Citation Needed - Tarrare

Episode Date: October 25, 2017

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarrare   Tarrare (c. 1772 – 1798), sometimes spelled Tarare, was a French showman and soldier, noted for his unusual eating habits. Able to eat vast amounts of meat, he was constantly hungry; his parents could not provide for him, and he was turned out of the family home as a teenager. He traveled France in the company of a band of thieves and prostitutes, before becoming the warm-up act to a traveling charlatan; he would swallow corks, stones, live animals and a whole basketful of apples. He then took this act to Paris where he worked as a street performer.   Skit song: "Sonatina in C Minor" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

And this one right here. That's a microphone. Okay. What about this one right here? That's also a microphone. Okay. Okay, tone, snippy, I'm learning. I'm learning.

Hey, have you guys seen Eli? Uh, no. Why? I just saw this week's episode. It's about tarar. Tarar? Who's tarar? Yeah, who's to?

He's a guy whose name I can't pronounce. He's French, he ate a lot of stuff. Okay, well, I mean, that obviously can't be like it. It included a baby? I will check the playgrounds. I'll go to the hospitals. All right, I'm gonna go back to Chuck E. Jesus. Hey, Tom, it's Noah.

If Eli shows up, do not let him in the house. No, I said, do not. I know that's what you were gonna do anyway. I just, I'm reinforcing that. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed! The podcast will re-choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and That's how it works now. I'm Cecil, and I'll be the sneeze guard to this buffet of buffoonery, but I can't do it without some food for thought.

First up, two gentlemen who stopped listening and started staring hungrily around the room, the moment I said buffet, Ethan Tom. So what? You lost me at... hello. I'm... I me at hello. I'm really hungry. I'm really hungry. No, it looks like a chicken dinner right now. It's mostly finished, but still really. You know, I gotta say, like with these intros, I'm getting, I'm getting really frankly tired.

I tired. It's mostly, it's not the insults, my heart is failing. I can feel it. I'm very tired. And also joining us tonight, two gentlemen for who all you can eat is a condemnation, Eli and Noah. I just don't eat anything that a living thing may want to be best friends with. Is that so hard? I'm sorry. I was busy playing checkers with my pet, so be in Sammy. What were we talking about? Great.

Now I'm going to starve today. All right, before we proceed, we need to thank our patrons. Speaking of food, they're the ones who keep us fed. Tom and steak, Keith and ramen, Eli and kale, and Noah and sweet, sweet hatred. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show unless you're choking on a pretzel, in which case you'd want to pledge before you turn blue. So go to patreon.com slash citation pod right now. And with that other way, tell us Noah, what person, place, thing,

concept, phenomenon or event. We'll be talking about today. We will be talking about today. We will be talking about and nicely done. I pretty much nailed it. I tried a little bit before like three seconds before we started recording. I said, Oh, it's not tarara. I fuck. Let me check. But yeah, tarara was a showman soldier and historical figure allegedly born tragically too soon for the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. I just real quick want to say that when I read that the first three times, I thought it

said snowman instead of show man. Bravo, sir, would not be less believable than what we end up with. But Oh, did he have a corn cob pipe and a button notes? And Eli, you you stumbled through this in a desperate act of plagiarism. You haven't tried since college. Are you ready to find and replace our ignorance with some knowledge? I resent that accusation, Cecil. In fact, I begrudge it. I object to it. I object to it.

I send it again. That's resend. Never mind then, Ritthron. Okay, well, that was nonsense. Did you plagiarize yourself? What's just happened? It's useless. He, they told him to get a thissar,

so he bought a genetics lab and started mining amber. There's no help. She's a dancer. He's spared no expense. He's a dancer. So tell us, tell us Eli, who was... Taa-ah. Also perfect. Well Cecil, he's a fascinating character from history.

Almost certainly fantastical, definitely tragic, but all we really know is when the moment he was born, the boy could eat. Okay, sounds great, but I'm real. Why don't I get an essay? I should get an essay. Yeah, we've been over this. I told you, you'll get your essay

when we get back the hostages. This is simple stuff. I'll give you six of them for a short episode, six for a short. I demand a sketch where heath is a hostage negotiator. Come on. It's so great actually. Ah, they said no. I'm taking a nap. I quit the negotiator. So Terriar was born in the French countryside around 1772, but his date of birth was unrecorded and we have no idea if Tara was his real name, his nickname, or much like the rest of this

episode, just something he made up. Something tells me that this is going to be the thesis of this episode. Eli Bosnick, when you absolutely, positively don't care of your acumen. Thank you. Thank you. Take for example the second line from the section of Wikipedia on his childhood quote, as a child, Tahrir had a huge appetite and by his teens could eat a quarter of a bullock weighing as much as Tahrir himself in a single day. Now, no, no, no, many of you might say, hey, that is almost certainly not true. Me, for example, I would say that. When I, I just just start, I'm already confused. A quarter of the bullocks like when you're

eating ass, it seems weird to partition it. Well, to you, I say you ain't heard nothing net. Okay, wait, so dawn to dusk or 24 hours to eat a quarter of a steak. That's a whole cow. Yeah, that's a good question. Like, if he finishes it, does he get his picture on the wall or like, does he get to eat it free? Like the people demand to know.

Let's take his a t-shirt. These are the mysteries that will remain on the edit page, Tom. The mysteries that will remain on the edit page Tom anyway back to my lies anyway to his ravenous appetite and his ability to eat all the fish in the ocean in a single sitting his parents kicked him out of the house and he roamed the countryside with a band of robbers and

prostitutes it's a weird business model for for both of those jobs, actually. Where they all just robbing and fucking each other just out in the woods. It sounds like you're making the shit up. It sounds like everything you've said so far. I don't know, it's so much better than that stationary band of robbers. Like it's nice where the service comes to you. You know, indeed, indeed, it may be made up, but I wasn't the one who did it. Anyways, eventually tired of, I assume, losing the coin flip of whether he'd be the robber

or the prostitute that week. Sorry, Tarrar, it's had again. Well, tired of that happening, Tarrar, left the gang, and worked as the opening act for a traveling charlatan. Charlatan? According to the article, yes. According to the article, quote, ta ra would draw a crowd by eating corks,

stones, and live animals, and by swallowing an entire basket full of apples, one after the other. Land quote, duck. Very small rocks. Yeah. Confirming what we already knew, that the 1700s was probably super duper boring if an opening

act could be a guy eating a lot of stuff you probably shouldn't eat. Yeah, you know, we still do that. Like now, right? It's on TV, competitive eating. The Heath and Wright story. It's perfect. Listen, I could easily finish a quarter of that little Japanese guy who eats the hot dogs coming up.

I could have been during the contest. I could eat all 75 of his hot dogs, whatever it is, and him. No problem. He's a quarter easy. He was, you know, when it comes to cannibal turduckins, he's the turkey, damn it. Anyway, so soon, to rar, struck out on his own and worked as a street performer in Paris. He was fairly successful until one day the act went wrong and he suffered severe intestinal obstruction. No, shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no He was rushed to the hospital where he was treated with powerful accidents and made a full recovery. As a means of showing thanks, he offered to eat the surgeons watching change.

He's seriously refused. Oh, wow. That's a weird form of payment. It seems like if he's going to offer to eat something in exchange for services, he can make a better offer than your watch. Yeah. Yeah. That all wrong.

Yeah, I just watched you empty your ass like a semi automatic potato gun. No, I don't want you to do that with my watch. Awesome. Why would I obviously I want to see this watermelon and a deck of cards. A day later, he cracks up in the watermelon. Was this your car? So, so okay, Eli, what does this guy look like? I'm picturing Heath.

Does it Heath? Does he look like Heath? Oh, worse. Okay. All right. This is fun. Fun show this week. Fun stuff.

One running joke we're doing. No, his appearance and bearing is one of the most amazing things about him. Oh, really? If you said he had seven heads and ten horns, it would fit the theme of this episode. Slightly less convincing of a lie, Loa. Slightly less convincing of a lie. So despite his crazy diet, he was slim and of average height. At the age of 17, he was just one hundred pounds. He's described as having an abnormally wide mouth with almost invisible lips. Hmm, pretty, pretty mouth.

And just like the can of beer, none of that annoying glug. So that's what I thought about watching that. But it's better when he was hungry, his extra stomach skin would hang so loosely off his body that he could, quote, wrap the fold of skin from his abdomen around his waist. Okay, still not impressed. Make your nipples touch behind your back, then get back. I've sent you pictures twice. We keep, we keep deleting them.

Ladies, but when he was, me and Tom deserve an episode. We give up. But when he was full, his abdomen would apparently descend, quote, like a huge balloon and quote. Okay, that sounds like a horrifying lie. You have to want to believe, Seesaw. Thank you. Tom, thank you.

All right, well, honestly, the story checks out. This is where I actually googled it. But I'm still like 50-50 that Eli published a Wikipedia article months ago just for today. Yeah. Oh, who would make a website just for a thing months down the road? It's simply not me. Keep this in, keep it in.

You don't know why yet, but keep it in. It's a fun part of it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Just keep it in. It's gonna be great. Anyways, it gets worse. We're all about it. Just keep it in. He's gonna be great. Anyways, it gets worse.

It continues. Apparently, the skin of his cheeks was wrinkled and hung loosely around his face like jowls. But when he stretched it out, he could hold 12 apples in his mouth. Wait a minute, is this, hold on. Is this gumbee? Are we just doing a show on gumbee?

No, actually, the most feared competitor in the history of Chubby Bunny. He was live bunnies. Yeah. Chubby ones. According to the article, he was always hot and sweaty. He smelled terrible and after he had eaten a visible vapor, would rise when his body was burned. What? Did eaten a visible vapor would rise when his body was what?

What? And you could not be within 20 paces of him or you might pass out from the stench. Okay. All right. Fine. Not gonna be pig pen. Now we're doing a show on pig pen or he or he's still he's. I don't know the difference. I do resemble many beloved cartoon characters. Thank you. Thank you. So I couldn seeing couldn't be hired today feeling great. Feeling great. I'm having a good day. Exactly. But see podcasting wasn't a job back then. So ta- car joined the French Revolution Army. The problem was the food rations weren't enough for him because of his giant appetite.

He would perform manial tasks for other soldiers, food scavenged dung hills for scraps. But he was still starving to death. Finally, it got so bad that he was sent to the military hospital suffering from extreme exhaustion. Ah, stuff shell shock. I guess I got, I got, I'm a little confused by this. Finally, it got so bad thing. He, he scavenged in Dung Hills for food. And then there's a finally it got so bad moment. That was the finally it got so bad. We found that it's that part. I don't know though, the corn's usually in pretty good condition. It's sharing is caring. So while at the hospital, he was given quadruple rations,

but it still wasn't enough. He would eat other patients' food. He would eat garbage. He even snuck into the apothecary at the hospital and ate the poltices. Still better than the dung hell. I get the hospital. No, they make good dumplings.

Yeah. The doctors at the hospital decide to put him to the test to see just how much he could eat. They gave him a meal that was meant for 15 soldiers, two giant meat pies, four gallons of milk, a plate of salt, and a plate of grease. He ate the whole thing and immediately fell asleep. The old Italian grandmother is there. Monsha.

Wait, wait, he finished and fell asleep. Did he eat the meal or fuck it? I, which one? Well, can it be both? I mean, if you go in the right order, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm doing the math here. Four gallons of milk, 15 people. That works out to 34 fluid ounces of milk for each person in this meal. Yeah. This is starting to sound fishy.

Oh, it's starting. Yeah. This is the math is what clue. No, the 34 fluid ounces of milk. I mean, if one person was going to drink that much, but 15 of the give me a five. Yeah. Start out like a super big gulp of milk covered now and again. Whatever.

I had my suspicions as well, though, but this next part, I believe, will convince you that this story is entirely true. So one time they gave him a live cat and he ate it while it was alive. Oh my God. Yeah. The stuff is like scratching the shit out of his face.

Yeah. They killed it all first and biting it like shit. You gotta start with the pause. You gotta. I just had to try to put my cat into his little case to take him to the bat. You know, just I got a great image of this one now. He'll have like no more flesh on all your arms. He's like, no, that's gone now. I don't know that anymore.

I mean, to be fair, they did not give him a cat, the size of Noah's cat to eat. Otherwise, this is where he would have been like, great, I'm full. The end. But so they gave him a bunch of live animals to eat. For some reason, he ate snakes, blizzard, puppies, according to this Wikipedia article. Puppies?

He even, and they had to point this out. He even ate a full-sized eel alive without chewing. Okay, wait, people should stop asking him to pet set How are the puppies where they chow I love that without chewing was the modifier there got you know, because like it's up to the reader to the side of that makes it more or less weird and disgusting. The eels just like, dude, stop chewing. You're making this. And cradle the balls, please seriously. Every time he opens his mouth here, a dog bark. I'm currently eating. Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. Yeah. I'm creeping up on me.

Madagascar, Barkan, I like to have fun. I think it goes to come a giant lie. I don't know how I made it under Wikipedia. Okay. So this gets better. See, after a while, according to the article, while the military wanted to hire him to get back to work, his doctor had other ideas. His doctor proposed that they use his eating abilities for the war effort. Yeah, because there's nothing more useful in a war than something that consumes vast amounts of resources. see, they had the idea of making him a transporter.

They put a message, this is all in the article. I'm not imbeesent. Any of this, they put a message in a wooden box. They found the wooden box to tarar. And then they retrieved the wooden box from his poop. Two days later, they shut a fedam Mexican food. They could have gotten it out in 12 hours tops. But the message was legible so they decided he should be an intestinal carrier pigeon

of some kind again. So they fed him a plate of wings. Hold on though, I'm confused about the box. Also everything in this story, but why the box? Like, I'm pretty sure paper fits into other stuff that's not a written box, right? I mean, also you don't have to eat something for it to show up in your ass, just a little closer.

There's another way to get that to happen. But like, I'm just confused like, what happened to all the actual carrier pigeons they could have used? used like did they have to Like hold on to this guy and fly him around over enemy lines So can put a box of high school notes on a general's car Like a hundred carrier pigeons to one pigeon or like one message So the general of the army hears about this and he's like, I gotta see this

shit. So he does literally literally literally. And as a reward once Terrar eats a box and poops it out in front of him, he gives Terrar a wheelbarrow filled with 30 pounds of raw bulls lungs and liver as a reward, which tarar immediately ate in front of everyone. Because he had that first of all just laying around. And why would he eat? Why wouldn't they all just leave? That seems like a private moment at that. I'm just going to eat this 30 pounds of organs.

This is my time. All right, Eli, this is truly revolting. I'm sorry to have heard all of this information. I'm sorry you thought of sharing it with the audience was a good idea actually. Well, what if I told you that his career is a spy, his attempts to cure him and his most daring meal of all were coming up after the break. I'd say you're introducing a commercial break for our show the way people do it on TV, which doesn't make any sense because people don't change the channel on podcasts. So don't touch that dial, apropos of nothing. So you are the famous terror. Yep, yep, that's me.

I am told you are a man of unusual skill. Yes, I eat stuff. We have a very important mission for you. One's here. Terror, remember. Wow. of unusual skill. Yes, I eat stuff. We have a very important mission for you. Mongeu. Wow, really? Yeah, a mission. The Germans have built a new type of can. We have managed to secure the plans and build a model, but we need to get to the past depression lines without detection.

Z. Plans? No. The plans without the cannon itself are useless. We need a real thing. Oh, you want me to eat a cannon and shoot it out in France? Yes, yes. I'll do it. You know, I think this Wikipedia article might not have been super carefully vetted. I am so excited. I can't believe you got reservations here.

This is the hottest place in town. Right? I know. I just checked open table and they were available. I don't even mind that it's 1130. It's going to be great. I know it's like a midnight snack. Oh, oh, God, here comes the waiter, comes the waiter.

Oh, welcome to Charr. Can I interest you in Zikok-Del? I think we're actually ready to order. I've been browsing the menu all day online, really excited. Menu-Thik. What do you have? Okay, we're going to start with four gallons of whole milk and two gallons of chocolate milk.

Very well. And just a quick question. Are the River Stones local? Of course, from Z small creek in the back. Great. Great. Okay. We'll start with the basket of apples and River Stones.

Buffet and for your own play. Okay, um, is the toddler braised or is he pan fried? Uh, it's actually roasted whole stuffed with gaba-sh. Uh, fantastic. You had me at stuff with garbage. I'll have that. And the lady will have the message in the bottle. Ah, wonderful. And what would you like the message to Samadam?

Who can you just have the chef sign his name? I just don't remember this night tomorrow, is all. And they pop you out, choice, madame. And it's ads. Oh, we were thinking about the bag of live muskrats. But, uh, is that enough for two? Do you think we'll be full? Ooh, get these quapati.

Okay. Okay. Well, let's get the muskrats and, uh, the bowl of wine corks. Ooh, right? I should have this chef start your order right away. And it's all some dessert. Ooh, ooh, ooh, we'll have what he had. Would you like what he had or what he had after he had it?

Hmm. Surprise us. And we're back. Eli, when last we left, we had a man with Noah's physique. He's appetite and your personal hygiene about to become a spy. How's that? How's that going to work out? Not well, see, dog. See, the general who sends him out admits he's excellent at eating wooden boxes and shitting them out again. Pretty basic. He's like, right. Right. But he's not sure if he can trust him.

So he's like, hey, to hire. I have these super duper important documents for you, but they're actually just like a test message to see if he can trust him. So wait, wait, a man is pooping out a wooden box for the cause and you're just like, I don't know. I mean, insecure much general.

Really? He sneaks over the Prussian border and disguises himself as a German peasant. But there's one catch. He doesn't speak German, so he's catch. That's the one. Maybe they should have thought about that. Or given him a gun to just keep eating every other day. Also, it seems like he's not the best undercover spy, right?

He's just like, whistling along. Don't mind me. I'm just white dizzy glassbie with a plume of neat sweat vapor and a 90s flannel of skin up around my waist. And now I'm shitting out of wooden crate. Nothing to see here. Not a spy. So normal.

So they catch him, they search him, they find nothing, but then they beat the crap out of a mate, tell them what's happening anyways. So then, now that they know, they tie him to a toilet and depending on who you believe, according to Wikipedia. Not of these people, I believe not of the people right now. It's zero. I'm trying to bring some skepticism.

Either he poops out the box, they read the meaningless message or he poops out the box and then eats the poop. Either way, the Russians are super mad, so they decide they're gonna hang him. But then at the last minute, they decided to just beat the crap out of him. So after they rub him up, they just send him back to France. The cherry Lewis story. Toot soon. He hated everybody. He was the first to hate everybody. So to our gets back to France and he doesn't want to do the whole spy thing again. So he goes to the doctor and he's like, Doc, I don't want to be a spy

anymore. You have to cure me of my eating so much disease. Doctors not going to help there. You need a circle of closet gay evangelical Christians yelling at you to stop being hungry. So they try. Lawdenham doesn't work, but probably was a good time. Solid-boiled eggs, doesn't work. Tobacco pills, doesn't work. Vinegar, nothing works. No matter how much they try, they cannot keep them on a diet. Because they keep feeding them things.

Let's feel like at a certain point, soft oil legs have to work, right? It's a matter of degree. And thus a $64 billion a year business was where people, this guy couldn't stay on a diet when the alternative was shitting out cigar boxes in an active war zone. What chance do you have, fuck, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Chance, do you have fuck, I addkins and go eat you some bacon. She's enjoying your life. Always good advice. Eat bacon, but don't give up on the diet before you try Eli's vegan scrambled eggs with soy cheese and sand.

That'll, my foodboner went from 12 to six and like half a set. First of all, it's nutritional yeast, not sand, common mistake, and sand tastes way better. Second of all, watching Heath eat bad food is like talking to my father all over again. It's just disappointment and a lack of understanding. And then he dies. It's a whole thing. Anyway, boners going up and down. Yeah.

Anyway, Dara can't keep the diet. See, he's sneaking out of the hospital to eat garbage outside of butcher shops. He's fighting stray dogs for scraps. I'm all of this is real. He gets caught. It's all in the article. It's all in the article. It's real words on the internet.

Exactly. On the Wikipedia internet, which is all we ever promised them. All right. He even gets caught several times drinking the blood of other patients who are having their blood drained for medical procedures. Oh, come on. Finally, when he gets caught multiple times trying to eat the bodies in the hospital mortuary,

they decide to send him to a lunatic asylum. Now, they do this part. Now, what was the tipping point? What exactly, what, what you mean? Exactly, fighting the dogs. Hey, poor, so do tipping point? What exactly? What, what, what's your moment? Exactly. Fighting the dogs. Hey, corpses, do you have to munch? Yeah, exactly.

All right, Tarar. Now, I, I don't told you about drinking blood, needing corpses two more times and we're going to transfer you. You have, that's one strike. They set up a sting operation, a cop going undercover as a corpse. Okay, he ate my foot.

Red team go. Now we got to, I guess I undercover as a corpse. Okay, he ate my foot, red team go. Now we got the pants. I guess I could have just been hiding somewhere else, but we got him. However, and this is my favorite part of the story. While he's waiting for the transfer, a 14 month old child disappears from the hospital. And Tardar was immediately suspected.

Now, again, depending on the account, the doctor sort of either admits that he did it or is unwilling to say that Tarrar didn't do it. But either way, the hospital chef is now totally convinced he did it and they chase him out of the hospital to which he never returned because he ate a literal baby. He's walking out with a baby, security goes to stop him. What's that? Nothing. Nothing.

You have fucked up your life when you were kicked out of the insane atom. Okay, so he's been a carny, a spy, an eaten a baby, and next he runs for president. No, he dies. Oh, that's the libosic story, right? Somewhat anti-climate. Actually, exactly.. That's the libosic story, right? Someone anti-climactic actually. Exactly. That's the Anna Bosnick story. So mean.

She deserved so much. Sorry. That was just that was cheap shot. She did her best. Post the divorce going to get half my stuff, marry some cap aware instructor. She's going to be great. Anyway, only kind of because here's the 10 to the story. Four years after he gets kicked out of the hospital for eating a baby, the doctor who tried to cure him, turned him into a spy and then, of course, later admitted he probably

ate a baby, gets a letter saying that Tarar is in a hospital nearby and would like to speak to him. He goes and sees Tarar as weak and obviously dying. Tara explains that he's sick because he ate a golden fork two years ago. And he will not trust this doctor to remove it. Oh, she's cold. But the doctor explains to him that he has tuberculosis.

And he dies. Hey, Doc, can you remove my golden ass fork? No, pillow smother takes ass fork. Clearly, when it's Dr. Kaporkeon. That's clearly what happens That down right I mean you just sitting there checking off a list of shitty eight right before the pain started He's like fuck three bricks basket of corpse empty basket Golden fork live Marmos. Wait a second. Golden fork. Guys, it's clearly a story that was check-offs for. Can you read it in the first bag?

Is that the use? He's got to use it. All right. So at least the story had a tragic and gross end, Eli. Indeed. Fun fact, they did an autopsy and they found that tarar had a giant gullet and enlarged skull bladder and liver and that his stomach was Giant it took up most of his abdominal cavity and was covered in ulcers and filled with pus But they never found the for how great glad we do these Wait, I'm sorry. Did you think we were gonna be worried about the fork. Great, glad we do these. All right. That's awesome. Wait, I'm sorry. Did you think we were going to be worried about the fork, Eli?

Or all of a shit in the dead of a baby that gets eaten here? But this is the thread you really think needs to be tied off at the end. Whatever did happen to that fork. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club clothes. The fork was not found the end All right, you like if you had to summarize what you learn in one sentence what would it be if you can't eat them join them God delicious. Are you ready for the quiz as ready as tarar and then all you can't eat them, join them. Oh, God. Delicious. Are you ready for the quiz?

As ready as tarar and then all you can eat buffet. All right, I'll start. Of all the things that tarar did eat, which of the below could he just not stomach? A, eggnog. Get a baby, sure, but he's not a monster. Come on. Be salted licorice because digging in a pile of shit for food is still preferred over

this. Yeah. Yeah. Seeing the Apollon ice cream scooped singly wrong. That in an acid. No, not does that right or D horrifying New York style pizza. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Well, I can rule out New York style pizza because it's delicious and not menstrual soup. I can rule out salted licorice because I can't listen to your show anymore because we all cover the same story. So I don't, I haven't heard that food food yet. I rule out eggnog because I have not had that.

It has eggs in it. So I'm going to say, see, Neapolitan ice cream souped singly, which is the right way to eat it. Cause it's three or three. It's so, it's not. You're supposed to have it's cause you can't afford the flavor. You are a next question. How do you think ice cream pricing works Eli?

I think there's like a wholesale price for the amount of flavors per Yeah, you tell me we go to the store right now and we buy a child of vanilla and strawberry It's not gonna cost us more than a neopold tonight's home three of them. That's what yeah three. Yeah, not exactly a month for a second I just realized that. I got a question for you too. Which of the following is the most accurate description of Chicago pizza? A, hemorrhoids in a blanket. B, prolapse to anus parmesan.

C, obese hot pocket with diaper rash or D the aborted calzone holding the key to jigsaw's backdrop on your face That's gonna be E all of the above Correct Well, that's double point that's weird. That's weird. He didn't ask a question this week. Normally asked the question. That's weird. Okay, moving on He normally writes such good questions, though. Tom, am I wrong? I mean, it's really good. So good, but it's We just skipped it. It's so strange. Anyway, see some higher Seesahire, we're gonna mind. We'll just go right in the mind. We'll just go right in the mind.

We traveled around the world eating everything that wasn't nailed down. Tah-haa really felt at home where A entire Istanbul. B whole Buffalo, New York. Nice. C Hungary or D landfill Kentucky. Also known as Polka. That's a. See hungry hungry.

I know. Yeah, you have to be right. This is always, you're always right. You're going to be right this week. So you're good. You're good. I got it right. I correct.

This is how this system works. All right. I'm going to go ahead and break the mold, because no, he's paying attention to it in it anyway. So instead of asking Eli a question, I'm going to ask everyone else my question. Eli is not invited. That's a fun thing. I'm doing it. I have all the company checkbooks because they're in my home. So considering the vetting of this week's article, what will Eli's next essay most likely be about?

A, that one Canadian girl in junior high that let him finger her at camp, you know, B, his wife's orgasms. C, Joseph Koney. Or, you see, I gotta give that one a second. Or D, the size of his inaugural crowd. Now nobody knows what to do because I said everybody had dance and I like to, yeah, no, let's go with the B. Hey, see, all right, you guys obviously got a right. What have I fucking got around?

Hungry. Well, Eli, nobody manages to stomp you. So you get to choose next week's essayist. Mmm, I choose who I choose. Let me think about it. This isn't predetermined. I choose you. Oh, I'll choose he.

He's he. You're you're invited. Many people would say rising above. All right. So now I'll toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer in this week's Twitter question. Thanks, Cecil. Last week's question was, what animal transplant would you get if you had to get one?

Pick an animal in a part of its body and tell us why. The winner was at AtheistDom on Twitter with this answer. Panda testies. So my libido would better fit my social life. Thanks to everyone for submitting answers. This week's question is, which citation needed host would you eat as a baby and why? Just retweet or face book share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you Cecil. Okay, well, for Eli, Noah, Tom and Heath, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week. And by then, Heath will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can join in the hilarity with Tom and I over a cognitive distance. Or you can listen to Eli interrupt Noah while Heath makes puns on God-awful movies, the skating atheist, and the steps to pret. And if you'd like to help her in the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave it's a five star of you everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social

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