Citation Needed - The Barefoot Bandit- Colton Harris Moore

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

Colton Harris Moore (born March 22, 1991)[10] is an American former fugitive. He was charged with the theft of hundreds of thousands of dollars in property, including several small aircraft, boats, and multiple cars, all committed while still a teenager.

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you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, a podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. This is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Heath and I'm joined by four guys who just traded foot jobs with our bare paws without thinking about the vibes of the podcast we're about to report together. Noah Cecil, Tom and Eli. This is the kind of pre-show content you're missing by not being patrons y'all.

There's content. Who's happened? There is. Yeah. I actually have a bare arms fetish because I'm American. Sure. Damn it. Sure. Oh, no.

Heath, I definitely thought about the vibes, but still very happy with my choices. He's too. High five, Tom. Yeah. Here we go, buddy. High paw. Low paw. More like it.

Am I right? We're going to make it work. We're going to make it work. Get the good vibes. Good vibes. I like what you did there Tom. Nice. All right Also, tell us what person place thing concept phenomenon or event are we gonna be talking about today? We love you patrons Today we're gonna be talking about the barefoot band All right. So who was the Barefoot Bandit? And to what extent does America need heroes, Tom?

To a very large extent, a big, very, a lot. Huge. We need heroes. Look around at what's on offer from many corners of the world. You won't see a whole lot of great American hero choices. And while today's story isn't about someone I would personally call a hero, yes I absolutely would. Not because anything he did was particularly moral, even morally defensible, but because

some people exude a level of competence and balls that you cannot help but admire. I am of course talking today about Colton Harris Moore, aka the Barefoot Bandit, and about 20 Teens folk legend, hero villain, and international fugitive. I already knew about this guy. I've written like half this essay already. Oh no! I took half of your essay! Okay, see so how much can I pay you to ruin the opening of that monologue by titling this episode, Jeffrey Epstein?

That's my question. I'm actually going to pay you for that. That's genius. Thank you. Now here's the thing about Colton. His life was pretty much shit. There's no other way around it. And although I promise that the story will veer into territory so insane, you'll likely think I'm making some of it up. A guy like Colton doesn't come from a comfortable and happy home. Yeah. And when Tom is talking shit about how uncomfortable and unhappy your childhood home was, I was

gonna say no cages for the monkey. Growing up on Kamano Island in the Puget Sound, Colton was born into poverty among riches and beauty. The Island itself is a gorgeous picturesque place full of unbelievable natural beauty, wilderness, and the summer homes of the wealthy. Though Colton was the furthest thing from privileged. The furthest thing would be like him, his thing, but in an ugly place. So we're going to give you second furthest at best. No, I get it.

My wife grew up next to boat houses that are larger than her actual house. It's like where JD Dance lied about where he said he was from. Yes, right. Yeah, from. Yes, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Colton's mom was a lifelong unemployed alcoholic who smoked and drank while pregnant and didn't see much need to stop when Colt was born. His father was a frequently imprisoned abusive alcoholic who came and went until he went

one last time and stayed gone. According to Colt's mom, his final departure was likely because, quote, he didn't want to live so far into the woods and away from beer. Okay, that's a weird problem. He's just like, every week I got to fill up my red wagon, my radio flyer with cases of PBR and wheel it home from town. It's ridiculous. It's bad for my health is what it is.

The mother and son survived in a trailer in the woods together though mom wasn't much help in the care and feeding department in that she frequently forgot to care for or feed herself. Did she have a monkey? Tom already said we're not allowed to do essays about ourselves so if you have to call back seats. My mom is actually from this area too. Oh this is shocking.

My god that's crazy. No way. As you might expect, Colt had some behavioral issues, which is my way here of saying that he was essentially feral at school. Colt got into regular fights and refused to listen to teachers, but Colt's mom believed that Colt was best off left to his own devices. A parenting philosophy that probably only accidentally matched her desire to do nothing at all to help him. Colt spent his time reading obsessively about airplanes and spent days at a time living alone in the woods as a very little kid. And mom was cool at that because as she puts it Colt was always quote a little different

Which means that he was probably just fine living alone in the woods every couple of days She just throws a few handfuls of dry Cheerios in the yard for the feral toddlers that hang around the door Five o'clock toddlers are outside Cheerios. They grab the Cheerios and scamp her away back. She she wants to call him in. She just shakes the Cheerios. Crunchies, Cheerios.

Stands at the front. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Nicely done. That was good. I'm the only one. His first brush with the law came when he broke into his middle school. Though it's generally agreed that he began breaking into homes to steal food.

By the time he was 10 to get into the school, he used a lighter to burn a hole in a window and unlock it. What? I know. I didn't understand this. I genuinely, I did not understand. I, this is like straight up straight up. I genuinely, I did not understand. This is like straight up, straight up. I just wrote down what the thing said.

In the woods we make windows out of wood. I don't understand this. That's what it said though. So I went with it. Supposedly he used a butane lighter to burn a hole in a window and unlock it, enter the school where he stole a package of recordable CDs and a school laptop.

He was 12 and he was fairly swiftly arrested. All right. We heard you playing a track list that was way too emotionally thematic. Let us write to your door. You can't start with let's get it on. It's too soon. You got to build to that. What are you doing?

Well, before he was 13, he was arrested and convicted of petty theft and possession of stolen goods three more times. And this was back when we responded to a literal child committing crimes by punishing them and telling them they were inherently bad. So it's not a great start is what we're saying. Do I do that now? Okay. Just circling back, can you burn a hole in glass with a lighter? So all right. So I have spent more time holding lighters to pieces of glass than almost anyone alive. And my very nearly professional opinion, no, you can't.

That doesn't happen. Okay. So no, I read your joke and then I had to Google it. Some schools and other buildings use polycarbonate as the material for the windows because they're less likely to break so maybe it was that I don't know though I don't fucking know You for it is this fucking citation needed where you know read a whole book about this shit No, maybe it was locked with a screen window Right

Alright at this point Colton met his first and only friend out of paper. Nightline. I don't know. Our resident porness expert is weighing in. He ain't fucking listening. Oh, no, because that's what we call the hitch a tall window. Yeah, that's where the classrooms where the bugs done got in already. So it don't no matter. At this point, Colton met his first and only friend while in the juvenile detention system a kid named

Harley Davidson iron wing nope. No, yes for real. This is honest. God. This is his birth certificate No, yes a name what she got because he started off just as Harley Davidson But then he was adopted at his birth parents were Native Americans. They adopted him. They added Ironwing to his moniker. So Harley Davidson Ironwing took flight. Ironwing took on Colton as his burgling protege, teaching him how to pick locks and fence goods.

And Colton was reportedly a natural. According to a Harley Davidson, Ironwing quote, it is the greatest name in all of American history. Quote, he wants the same thing to just have money to sit on a pile of cash to throw it up in the air and have it showered down. Yeah. They decided on Harley Davidson because they couldn't find a used Indian.

Motorcycle joke. Yeah, they decided on Harley Davidson because they couldn't find a used Indian. That's a motorcycle joke, by the way. That's a motorcycle joke. It is. It is. It's a motorcycle joke. A Harley? That's Harley Davidson. Ironwing, by the way. Yeah.

Matt Colton on out on Kamano Island and the pair would go out and burgle the shit out of the town, hitting as many as 15 to 20 houses a night. The duo were a good burgle match. Burgled the shit out of the town, hitting as many as 15 to 20 houses a night. The duo were a good burgle match. Harley Davidson Ironwing was only interested in stealing cash, while Colton preferred cell phones, jewelry, and iPods. Though sometimes Colton just broke into homes to steal food or take a shower. And the pickings on the island were not slim.

People routinely left their summer homes full of money and goods and nice cars and All of it was fair definitely so far my dad's just proud of me if I did a bunch of this stuff It should be legal to burgle summer homes during the winter like a hunting season The cops were not confused as to who was stealing shit night after night. Colton had used a stolen credit card to buy a bunch of computer stuff, and the cops found his stash of stolen goods in the woods where they knew Colton was camping out. But knowing and catching are two very different things. Colton Harris Moore, at 15, was 6'5", pounds, and was just a fucking beast.

And when the cops confronted him and they did several times, he just straight out ran them every single time. Just out ran them. It's super annoying to like shake the dew out of your three inch thick Sony VIO laptop before you could power up that nine inch screen. It just. Okay, this cop chase was the dream when we were kids,

we didn't really think it through, but we wanted this to happen because we're out in the woods and we thought we could like do stuff. You know, I'm picturing cops like hanging from vines that we fashioned into foot traps with like a boulder. Shaking their fists at you as you run away. And since Colton had lived much of his childhood in the woods and had pretty much lived completely on his own without a consistent place to call home, it was really hard for authorities to

track him down. One night he might be sleeping in an empty summer home, another night deep in the thick woods in the interior of the island or perhaps on couches of random people he had met, convinced to put him up. Police simply had no way to find him one day to the next. And I think we can all agree that that was what was important here, bringing this 15-year-old child to justice. Colton's break-in streak became more and more brazen, and he clearly began to enjoy

fucking with the cops. At one point, he broke into a cop car and stole the shotgun and laptop from the police cruiser. Another night, he broke into the fire station so he could steal their infrared cameras because he thought he'd be able to use them to see into houses and determine if they were empty or not. Wanted posters appeared all over town with the teenagers' names and pictures on them. All was going well until a neighbor, noticing the lights on in an empty vacation home, called the cops and Colton was finally arrested.

Harley Davidson Ironwing was also arrested and was sentenced and served a year in juvie, got out and pretty much just right away broke into a church safe during the service, which was stupid so he was caught and sent to actual prison for three years. Except that a year and a half into that sentence, he was allowed out for work release. And on that work release, he skipped out immediately when shoplifting and was caught and arrested yet again. Colton Colton was sentenced to three years in a juvenile detention facility. But 14 months after he was sent to juvie, he escaped out a window and disappeared into

the night, headed back to Kamano Island and began just burglaring the shit out of the place. I feel like anywhere else would have been better, but okay. Yeah. Now no one knew for sure that it was him, but it was absolutely him. And the news media went fucking bonkers over this. It was at this point that the mythology around the barefoot bandit really began to develop. And it was also when his mother began to be interviewed and this shit is solid gold.

I'm going to paraphrase a little bit here but I swear that I'm just barely paraphrasing. When interviewed about whether she had seen Colton, his mom said pretty much, The cops were big mad that I was harboring but that that's my son, so if he shows up and he's hungry, I'm gonna feed him and he's always hungry. Besides, I make good ass hash browns with fresh grated potatoes. I'm a good mom. Counterpoint, counterpoint. I feel like really good hash browns can cancel out years in neglect.

I think whatever you have to tell yourself, Cecil. That's right, buddy. If they're really good. You sure do. Yeah. Also, this is not Tom's mom, everybody. We figured it out. No, absolutely not. Fed her child. Reporter's still there. Colton yells from the woods in the back. He's just like, mom, the hash browns. I want them. Now. Asked about whether Colton would turn himself in. His mother said, quote, I really don't think he'll do it in the summertime.

Who wants to leave the warm weather and go to jail? So practical, right? Not Colton. It turns out Colton preferred instead to steal shit. And he was finally cited three months after fleeing juvie, tearing ass around in a stolen sports car. When the police gave chase, Colton led them on a chase before bailing out of the moving car, rolling across the pavement, jumping off and sprinting into the night, leaving

the car rolling along until it crashed into a dumpster. Wow. Cops walk over the dumpster. They get pulled up by vines. This guy's good. What are these even attached to? Oh, for the rest of the year, no one could catch Colton and he kept stealing and stealing pretty much pillaging the whole damn Island piece by piece.

And at his whim, once he stole some guy's credit card, used it to order airplane manuals, had the manuals shipped to the restaurant owned by the guy who he stole the card from, used the tracking number to follow the package so he knew when they'd been taken inside. Then he broke into the restaurant and stole the manuals. Then he donated those manuals to the local bank just so he could break into their vault and steal them again. On another occasion, he broke into a hardware store. I love this.

And then he used the tools in the hardware store to break into the safe and steal the money out of their safe. And much of this, by the way, is on security cameras. You can watch some of this and in all of these robberies, he's barefoot. He's always barefoot. He's running from the cops and he's bailing from cars and he's breaking it pretty much everywhere just completely barefoot so of course the media in love with the story of the impossibly slippery teenage burglar story switched from calling him

teen Houdini to the barefoot bandit look Colton we know it was you. You left 16,000 latent prints at the site. Jokes on you. I spent my year in juvie chewing the skin off my toe pads in your face. Also, you're hanging upside down from a vine. But see, that's the difference between us and them. Gen Z just inherently understands Brandon. He knew he had to do something different. Gets it. making TikToks.

Yeah. At some point, he must have gotten lonely. So he stole a dog to hang out with him. But the cops were always chasing him around and finding his campsites. So eventually they find his dog and they impound the dog. At which point, Mom gets

interviewed again. And I love this quote from her. Quote, I tried to get the dog back and they wouldn't release the dog because the dog was evidence But I was like, how can a dog be evidence? He's not getting up on the witness stand and start talking Then Colt broke into the shelter where the dog was being held Okay, but the people who stole his dog had to feel as stupid as the people who were like trying to kill John Wick in the sequel. So like, you thought the steely guy wasn't going to steal the dog you stole from him? Oh, what's the solution to this pickle?

They have a thing I want. Whatever skill set will I rely on? Pickle. They have a thing I want whatever skillset. At one point while he's being hunted by SWAT, a van carrying a few small town musicians broke down just in the middle of nowhere. And they tell this story. It's fucking great in the movie out pops Colton who just wanders up to them out of the woods wearing a black hoodie, some cargo pants, he's barefoot, he's covered in mud. So naturally the musicians and the mysterious teenage woodsman strike up a conversation.

They end up picking Colton up, driving him away, smoking him up, and then letting him stay the night in their van before making him a nice lunch and sending him on his way. Two weeks later, band members watched the news and realized their hitchhiking new buddy was the Barefoot Bandit. Okay, but like, they may have not known which criminal they picked up, but they knew the guy was a fucking criminal.

Law-abiding citizens just don't fucking pop up out of the woods covered in mud and dressed all in black and barefoot. Okay, that was nice to the band to do all that, but at some point, one of them said, hey, let's take this feral kid into our van. And nobody heard it. Nobody was like, I bet they did hear it. And they were just like, well, now that you fucking said it, we have to.

You fucking idiot. Fred, stop. Do not give him Cheerios. He's going to be outside all night around don't name him We don't. You're my mom now. No, no, no, she's just bad. Now here, I have to remind you again that Colton was, from a very young age, obsessed with airplanes.

And while on the run, he'd used his downtime to study airplane manuals and play lots of flight simulator on his stolen computer equipment that he kept acquiring. So perhaps it should not come as a surprise. When in November of 2008 Colton stole a small single engine airplane. And again, remember he is 17 years old. I read a book about Colton. I watched that movie. I'm so excited. But before we get into the epic plane stealing career of this heroic hero of Outlaw Noblesse. We're gonna take a quick break.

Some opera of nothing. Sheriff. Sheriff, please. Sheriff, question. Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff,

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Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff, Although the perp is believed to be just 15 years of age, he has already committed hundreds of burglaries, expensive electronics, fancy cars. Hell, he'll even break into a house to feed himself or for the chance to bathe. Sorry, Sheriff, why does he need a chance to bathe?

Oh, I guess he's a little neglected or something. I assure you though that my men are hot on his trail. We will bring him to justice. Sorry. Yes, yes. What? What are the police doing about the neglect? I'm sorry, the what now?

The neglect you mentioned, like from his parents? Oh yeah, well I think actually the news crews, they've been out to her house now a few times. I don't want to do it then. Sheriff, has anyone tried giving them food or putting them in like a new home or something? Now listen now, listen now, right now, y'all are focusing on the wrong thing here. This is a hard-denned criminal. It needs to be brought to justice. Is he though? Or is he just a starving child?

Sounds like a starving child. Sounds like he needs to be. He can't be both. That's exactly right. He can't be both. Sorry. Sorry. Now, god damn it!

Wait, Don, sorry. What now? Do you think God doesn't talk to us anymore because this is how we treat his children? Now, Chris, you can't ask that at every one of my press conferences. He's right, you do ask that a lot. Well, I wanna know! Get ready for Las Vegas style action at Bet MGM, the king of online casinos.

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BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. And we're back. When we left off, a 17 year old muddy giant towed into an airplane hanger, completely undetected. Post 9-11. An amazing heist. What's next, Tom?

All right. So completely untrained by anyone, he taxied this stolen plane down the runway. He took off and he was soon airborne. The barefoot bandit went on a two and a half hour joy ride using only the flying skills he had practiced on stolen laptops. The experience was pure joy for him. Well most of the experience. Colton's skills behind the yoke didn't, it appears, translate particularly well to the landing phase

of the flight experience. And Colton eventually crash landed the plane on an Indian reservation in the Cascade Mountains. Somehow Colton walked away unharmed. He was quite adept at the tuck and roll as we've already heard. It is true. Right? It's true.

As it's absolutely no one imagined that even the audacious 17 year old burglar would steal a whole ass airplane. Authorities had chalked up the plane theft and crash to drug cartels. On September 11th, 2009, Colton stole yet another airplane. Really Colton on 9-11? Right?

Not cool man. You have an opportunity to do the funniest thing ever Colton. Yeah. Funniest thing ever. There's only one of them now Colton. They won't ever forget Colton. They'll be a lot meaner to your mom in the news to see now. There'll be a lot moondr to your mom in the news. Now this time he flew only about 10 miles before turning around, returning the plane back to the airport he had stolen it from. He had stolen this plane at night and since he returned it, no one even knew anything had been stolen until much later.

A few weeks later from Granite Falls, Idaho, Colton stole yet another airplane, this time flying more than 200 miles before getting hit with bad weather. The weather forced Colton to take the plane down and he crashed it into a field that had recently been logged and was riddled with tree stumps. At this point, the media interviews the guy who found the busted up airplane and even this guy, you can tell he just begrudgingly admires this kid. Acknowledging the fleet of cops and FBI and Homeland Security and fucking dogs just crawling

up and down everywhere on the side of the mountain this guy says, that was almost silly. Two days had already gone by he ain't around here. Homeland Security deployed Black Hawk helicopters which combed the area with the best gear that too much money can buy. And still they found nothing. They determined it was Colton by the bare footprints he had left in the hanger matching the ones in the mud near the crash site. Oh man, that was a sick period of time to steal stuff though.

Right? Just take off your shoes. Everybody blames white Bigfoot. Right? Just, Oh no, it was hacky sack squash. All right. So the new rule though, when the cost of trying to find the person exceeds the cost of the thing that he just stole, like the thief just gets to have it, right? Thank you.

The government could just buy that dude an airplane. Seems pretty clear. By Colton Harris Moore, the Barefoot Bandit had somehow managed to become something of The government could just buy that dude an airplane. Seems pretty clear. By Colton Harris Moore. The Barefoot Bandit had somehow managed to become something of a local folk hero despite stealing from over a hundred homes in a pretty small area. YouTube is full of just terrible tribute music videos. There's graffiti about the Barefoot Bandit that pops up.

Local media become obsessed. His Facebook explodes. There's graffiti about the barefoot bandit that pops up. Local media become obsessed. His Facebook explodes. There's merch exploding. He was on the cover of People Magazine, GQ, Rolling Stone, and Maxim without ever posing for a single photo. Man, you could just make a bunch of money off feet pics, huh? Let me tell you. Money's OK.

You have to do it for the love of the game actually. That's right, yeah. A mom gave some serious- My son is called Arch Madness, everybody. Hey! That's really good. That's really good. A mom gave some seriously unhinged interviews at this point,

but like, I kind of love this lady as awful as she is. So let me offer you some of these gems. Quote, I always figured the cops would kill him. That's what happens. Then it's supposed to happen, but it won't change how proud I am of what he's accomplished. I hope to hell he stole those airplanes. I would be so proud, but I want him to wear a parachute next time.

He stole those airplanes. I'm proud of him because he's never had a lesson. He has evidently one of those phones like our president and can't be traced. I think it's a Blackberry. He's very smart. Two or three points below Einstein. Oh, okay. If you do it in the Trump voice in your head, it actually tracks. It actually does it very smart. Two or three points below I think I feel like Tom the reason why Tom likes her so much is that he has Stockholm syndrome from being a little she sounds good she sounds like home does she smell like doers? Guaranteed fucking teed, Tom.

Guaranteed. Golden Harris was now on the run for over a year despite being hounded by pretty much every possible authority in the United States and Canada. The whole thing became something of a game to Colton. The longer he was out on the streets and free, the bolder he became at one store. He burbled. He drew a path of bare feet in chalk on the floor, leading up to the door out with see ya see dash Y a printed next to the last footprint drawing.

Is he hopscotching to mock us? Phil, this is crazy. So remember everything that he had, he stole, including food, which sometimes many had to raid homes just to eat. And sometimes he targeted gardens and chicken coops. One couple whose eggs were burgled out of their chicken coop found barefoot tracks in the mud. And so local deputies, this is what the police suggested. Local deputies suggested that she make plaster casts all a big foot from them to try to sell them on eBay. And so of course they did.

And as of the making of the documentary, fly, cold fly, the plaster casts had not yet been sold. Only because they were no longer for sale as of this recording. It's his birthday coming up and everything people. Gotta snatch those up. Okay, I looked up Barefoot Bandit and I found lots of other stuff that's completely un-muted. Yeah, me too. It's buried pretty deep.

While on the run and being actively pursued by pretty much everyone with a badge and teams of bounty hunters now without one, he went to an animal hospital, left a hundred bucks with a note to use the money for the animals, and then he bolts. When the cops take the cash as evidence, mom donates a hundred bucks to replace it. So Colton was done with the small town burglary life, but probably because no matter how fast you can run, a small island chock full of every kind of cop imaginable is just a ticking clock no matter who you are and Colton had other plans. Leaving Kamano Island Colton began a journey across nine states covering 2,000 miles

commandeering a dozen stolen cars before making his way to Bloomington, Indiana. He had been looking for exactly the right airplane so he'd been going from airport to airport but he hadn't found exactly the right one until now. And he wasted no time stealing exactly the plane he'd been searching for. Oh, he fits right in in Indiana. Mike Pence made sure half the population is barefoot there. Holy shit!

1200 miles later, Colton 17 lands the stolen Cessna on the Abaco Island in the Bahamas. He left from Indiana, which means that at some point this kid from the middle of fucking nowhere was flying a stolen plane over the actual open ocean. So he wasn't just flying. He was fucking navigated. And just to keep his crash record complete, he crashed this one, too. The local officials say he crashed it quite delicately. Meow. Crashing quite delicately is landing.

I think these local officials are foolish. Yeah, that's where they work for United. Yeah The FBI knew where he was based on the emergency beacon locator and of course Burglaries on the island began within hours of the crash word spread that the barefoot bandit had made his way to the Bahamas So naturally Islanders quickly took up the business of making barefoot bandit tunes, now with more steel drums. He was now of course outside of the US, and this makes him an international fugitive. Just thousands of US Marshals following footprints in the sand.

Why is there only one set? Oh Colton, it's because I was carrying you. If planes can be stolen, then so can boats. Colton, it's because I was carrying you. If planes can be stolen, then so can boats. And so Colton started boosting boats and Island hopping about the Bahamas, but now he had a $10,000 bounty on his head. And for a while he was doing okay. He was stealing what he needed in order to eat in local burglaries, but he was a long way from home and he was alone and he was

bored. So not long after arriving in the Bahamas, he stole a boat just so he could skim around the harbor one night, yelling out to the locals who knew that there was a significant reward for him, telling him who he was and that he wanted to be chased. How do I know he did this? Because he said, quote, this according to the local officials, I'm the barefoot bandit, call the cops, call the FBI, call someone I'm bored. I want someone to chase me. And so the locals did.

Okay. So definitely some number of points below Einstein on the IQ scale. I just love that all of this shit is a call for help in the, and he just keeps overestimating the cops He's like, well, certainly they'll catch me for if I do this Now at first he handily outran the locals in their boats Which is incredible because he had no idea what to do in a boat and these guys have been driving boats about their whole lives And after boating about for a bit, he eventually ran the boat up back onto the

ground, bales out of it and begins sprinting through the night across the island. Locals were now chasing them. Island police were chasing them. Private security guards were chasing them. It was a full on Island manhunt. This is a fun story of white privilege that I would not like to examine. I don't want to think about what if Colton were black. I don't want to think about it. I managed to elude two large teams of men who were sprinting after him. He made his way back into the

water, slips in there, steals yet another boat. Now he's boating around at speed across the ocean without the lights on. He's trailed by cops and security. He's doing great for a while. But he doesn't know fuck about ocean shit. And so he fairly quickly ran up onto a sandbar. Now he's surrounded by the cops. He's stuck on the sand, but he's not completely aground. And Colton could feel the boat slowly coming loose from the sandbar.

And in a bid to buy time, Colton pretended he was gonna shoot shoot himself but instead he made for the throttle as soon as he felt the boat pull itself loose from the sandbar. Alright, you're obviously planning to hit the throttle. I can see your hand moving to the throat. You're in reverse though. You're not doing a K turn in a boat and out running us. That's not happening.

I desperately want his undoing to come in a situation where like if he'd had a shoe it would have saved him. Right. So I don't want to get caught like this. Honestly, it felt like he's about to like dive down and hijack a submarine. Like run away. The Bahamian boat cops were not falling for it, though, and they lit up the boat with gunfire, disabling the engines, and finally bringing the chase to a close. Local island cops had finally caught the kid who had eluded US cops, the FBI, and Homeland

Security. There is television footage showing a heavily shackled, very tall kid being led away in custody and, of course, completely barefoot. One of the cops runs away into the night. Okay. Now I'm it. Backwards. He's gone. A Colton had been on the run for two years, barefoot the whole time before he was caught Colton had stolen or damaged over $3 million in cash and property.

He had broken numerous laws in the Bahamas, but his bigger worries were stateside and he was quickly extradited to the US. He pled guilty to just a shit ton of federal crimes. He owed almost a million and a half dollars in restitution, which he plans to pay by selling the awesomeness of his story to 20th Century Fox. He was sentenced to seven years in prison and while there, he studied aeronautical engineering.

Okay, I would not trust his test scores though, FYI. I have a feeling you might cheat everybody. Right. I'm sorry, wait, so the punishment for stealing three million dollars worth of shit and joy riding around on airplanes for two fucking years is seven years in prison? Because I feel like you're gonna have to start doing this shit without me. Yeah. At least for the next nine years. in prison? Cause I feel like you're going to have to start doing this shit without me. I mean, this for the next nine years.

Now this next part is crazy too. A Boeing executive ends up becoming taken by Colton story and starts to mentor him vis a vis the aeronautical engineer. Wow. First truly dark turn to the podcast right there. And then one of the guys dead now he's dead. Everybody. He killed himself right Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Colton initially refused to do any interviews, but then his mom got cancer and Colton begins a media tour From prison to raise money so he could get more people to fund his go fund me to have his mom Cryogenically froze her fuck's sake. Yeah, I know but he never is it's her brain for science Yeah, I mean she can not come out like two points south of Einstein, so yeah, we need to know how

she did that. Just freeze her hash browns. You guys will be sad to know that he never did raise enough money and his mom died. It just was the regular temperature, just like the rest of us. A lady who didn't feed her kid died. Boo, boo. I'm kind of pissed I never got to try the hash browns. Good things.

I once released on probation. It turns out that it was really actually pretty hard to be a super well-known international felon on probation and still get a job designing and flying airplanes, but as of this writing, he is only 33 years old and I can't help but believe that for Colton Harris Moore, the sky is the limit. Nice. Such a good story. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

Loving moms will always remind you to pack your parachute. And are you ready for the quiz? Absolutely. All right. So let's start with a rewrite. How should this story have ended? A, he gets a pair of shoes and he realizes how much faster those are and becomes unstoppable. That's like the flash. Right? Yeah.

B, he stranded on the boat of the sandbar and suddenly a fucking motorcycle with wings comes down. It's Harley Davidson Ironwing swooping in to save him. Yeah. C, he meets cocaine bear and they join up to form cocaine barefoot bandit. They steal every picnic basket in the park. Create the ultimate citation needed episode.

Or D, certainly more than seven fucking years in prison. I will hard disagree with D. That's nonsense. Clearly he's a hero. He should have been given a medal. Key to the city. I like the Harley Davidson iron wing reboot. Yeah, that's correct. Actually, that is absolutely that's the end of season one and then season two picks up from there. Crazy. Insane. All right, Tom. That's the end of season one and then season two picks up from there. Crazy. Insane. All right, Tom.

What's the name of the movie about his life? A. My Theft Foot. B. Fantastic. Shoeless in Seattle. C. Barefoot Con's Cessna. Or D. Tootsies. Oh, shit!

That's gotta be Tootsie. Oh shit! It's gotta be Tutsis! Oh yes, absolutely, yeah, for sure. So, okay. All right, Tom, it's obvious that Colton has a ton of potential career opportunities out there. What should Colton do to earn his living now that he's a honest man? A. Spokesman for a sneaker company. Catchphrase. Yeah, this is better. B. Spokesman for a sneaker company.

Catchphrase. Yeah, this is better. C. Spokesman for a sneaker company. Catchphrase. Yeah, this is better. C. Spokesman for a sneaker company. Catchphrase. Yeah, this is better.

C. Spokesman for a sneaker company. Catchphrase. Yeah, this is better. C. Spokesman for a sneaker company. Catchphrase. Yeah, this is better. C. Spokesman for a sneaker company. Catchphrase. Yeah, this is better. B. Lie to a coked up Hollywood writer about how he was also a doctor or something and then he can star and catch me if he can too. C. Uberfeets.

Nice. Or D. Burlington Coat Factory. Because like, the second you walk in there, everyone who works there runs away. It's insane. Oh, alright. I love the catchphrase. Yeah, this is better. That's so good.

But it's probably wrong, right? No, it's not that. It's probably not right. I'm glad you liked that I answered it, though. Yeah. Alright. Eli, you have stumped him, I suppose. You're the winner. That. Yeah. All right. Eli, you have stumped him, I suppose. That's right. You're the winner.

That's right. He could sell foot porn and then he could become Heath's arch nemesis. Oh, that was actually actually pretty solid. It's on the back burner. All right. Noah does an essay. All right. Well, for Tom, Noah, Cecil and Eli, I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us. We'll be back next week and Noah will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to Cognitive Dissonance, Lawful Assembly, Talk and Ship,

Your Old Dad's, God of Movies, The Skating Atheist, The Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus. And if you'd like to become one of our beloved patrons, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at show notes, check out citationpod.com.