Citation Needed - The Battle of Agincourt

Episode Date: August 9, 2017

The Battle of Agincourt (/ˈæʒɪnkʊr/; in French, Azincourt French pronunciation: ​[azɛ̃kuʁ]) was a major English victory in the Hundred Years' War.[a] The battle took place on Friday, 25 October 1415 (Saint Crispin's Day) in the County of Saint-Pol, Artois, some 40 km south of Calais (now Azincourt in northern France).[5][b]Henry V's victory at Agincourt, against a numerically superior French army, crippled France and started a new period in the war during which Henry V married the French princess Catherine, and their son, Henry, was made heir to the throne of France as well as of England. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Come on guys, this is gonna be fun. I guess so. Come on, it's for the show. We're doing the Battle of Aging Core this week. These authentic outfits are gonna help us get into the spirit. All right guys, let me see him. Come on, let me see. Here's some fame.

Okay, you know, this is a pretty good first try. I mean, obviously Eli, you have the pauldron on your knee. That's actually shoulder armor. So you're gonna wanna move that. And it looks like the elbow cops a little tight, but we can let that out a bit. No big deal. Okay, how do I let it out?

No, no, no, no, no, we've got it. I got a blacksmith I can hook you up with. It's, it's, it's a- You have a blacksmith? Well, I mean, not A blacksmith, but okay, multiple blacksmiths. What? Joining this part of your life. I, this is coming to tell me, let me look at you.

Oh, you like, of course, your Gorge is under your doublet. Let me fix that. No, none of these words. No, seriously, I don't know where you think you're going to touch me right now. I'm not touching your neck because you're all neck, but come on over here for a second. Don't worry, you're going to get used to it. Everyone line up for your on over here for a second. Don't worry. You're gonna get used to it. Well everyone line up for your milk leg shots and we'll get ready to go.

Okay. Do you have a soy one for me? Hmm. Sadly, good gentle. Why distribution of soy milk is out of period. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed! The podcast where we choose choose subject read a single article I thought it was a lovely just the tone and you know Kaden's of the way I said it and it was it was normal rushed

Hello, I'm glad to see I'm not gonna be the only bitch. You want on this? And welcome To citation needed You should rush this is the pace. This is the podcast where we choose the subject read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because America is great again. And that's how it works now. I'm he and I'll be helping us retake castle gray skull this week, but I won't be storming

it alone. Please welcome the first wave in the assault, our Ram men and our king Randor, Tom and Cecil. I don't make it to the gates every time, but when I do, my penetration rate is quite high. It is banging your face off of him in his crotchess. Get stuck in it. It's hard to get. Extricated. Well, it's good to be the king. And also joining us tonight is the second wave, our Beastman and our Skeletor, Eli and Noah.

I assume on Beastman because of my communion with the world of pugs. That's not why. But yeah. I just want to point out the skeleton or no. Skeletor was fucking ripped. He was, he was a jacked man. He was a jacked man. Yeah, that's the thing. And he wrote that great book about who stole feathers.

He's a lots of good points. All right, before we get started, we'd like to thank the citation needed army of patrons for making it all possible. If you'd like to join their ranks, just pull out your wallet and scream by the power of paywall. We'll give you all the details at the end of the show. Alright, well, I'm pretty much done working because I'm the host guy this week, so please don't involve me in your weird little conversation about uh...

Cecil's wet dream or whatever it is all right with that out of the way tell us Eli what person place thing concept phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today today Cecil will be talking about the battle of adgen core and we will be struggling to keep up. Like a Kenyan at a marathon. And Cecil, you read the article on Wikipedia and no doubt reenacted the whole thing. Are you ready to bring us back to the 15th century?

I'm only doing it if you guys wear the costumes. Oh God, that this shit again. All right. Hey, the costume. Oh, et cetera. You made this cod piece to roomy on purpose. What does mine have a cock cage and that doesn't even seem necessary?

I'm weird. It's a financial chastity belt, Tom. Oh, right, right. Um. It's a medieval chest to the belt, Tom. Oh, right, right. Um. It's a medieval pre-dub. You can only get 40, 50%. We're going to see if a kid who like cereal can fuck that cage. Got to listen to the whole show otherwise it's just a weird thing I said. All right, so, see, so tell us about the Battle of Agincore.

You have to call bear. You have to call bear. It says in the parchment that I gave you. Dude, where'd you get animal skin? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Fine. Okay. Good day to you, Harold.

Williest thou speak of the legend of the battle of Asian core forthwith. Oh, Jesus, I just want to chime in and say that I have been inside an actual woman. I'm just saying before this goes too far, like the last time you were inside a woman and involved in lotion and a basket. It's still inside a woman that counts.

She's holding that card little dog that does count. Don't you make me hurt your dog? All right, no, we're okay, sorry. I thought that was the battle of Asian Corps. I thought that was the end acting it right there. All right, let me let me. Good morrow to you. So, I treat you to the one tail of a great king.

Henry the fifth and his valor on the field of combat. Oh, I'm having those. You can juggle for money, but you have to wear bells flashbacks. I was having a you can do magic, but you have to wear a bathroom flashback. Our jobs used to be bad to do the battles. We had bad jobs. Okay. All right.

Okay. So the battle adging core was a battle in the hundred years war. And the hundred years war was a conflict between England and France that lasted 116 years for those of us pedantic enough to point that out. Am I the only one now worried that Noah just had a bite his tongue so hard he might have lost it entirely? You're going to be a leave. He just came from that.

He just came from that. He's just here me biting my tongue when he does the added on that actually. So, you have no idea. He had the whole fist in there for a second. I was watching. For a second. I think his war also wasn't really a war in the way we would think of it in modern times.

It was a long conflict between two states that erupted into battles throughout the whole history. And as you can imagine, you can have a lot of fucking battles in 116 years. Okay. Why talk about this one then? Okay, so I think the real reason is that it's an underdog story. It's got a cocky overpowering group getting defeated. And there's something of a social message that we all find somewhat satisfying, rich people losing to the lower classes.

Gross. It's also the setting for the St. Chris Pins Day speech in Henry the fifth. And so there's some historical significance around it. Oh, Henry V was was that play by Salieri, right, Eli? Frantz is bacon, I think. I will Christine Chubbuck this podcast. I will Christine Chubbuck this podcast. It's not your birthday. Someday it'll be my birthday. Somewhere. My only only one here that doesn't just automatically love the underdog, I mean, there's a reason they're losers, right? And it's not because they're like secretly super great, right? When it comes, we're talking about like war and it's picking sides in a war.

I'm a fair weather fan. Like who's waiting? I'm on that side. So the hundred years war at this point is entering its 70 eighth year. The Iraq war prequel. And every the fifth is the king of England. And he shouts across the English channel, I'm the king of France. And no one hears him because it's like really far away. It's like a little Scott declaring bankruptcy. So he sends for a herald or a raven or something and he tells him that. And then like idiots, the French sign for those process servers are nothing if not

persistent. I know this. Hello, friends. Yes. Damn it. So the deal is that he's not going to say he's king. If the French give him 1.6 million units of money and they're calling him crowns at this point. And then on top of that, he wants them to let him marry the king of France's daughter and they need to throw in another two million crowns for the dowry. In return, he gives back six French states. Right. To which the French responded fine. Yes, yes.

And let's get to the other way. Now we surrender to Hitler to never that happens we said just please nobody punch him it's very important what's the high ground here and by the way if any French politicians are listening I too am the king of France but you can have it back you can give it to macro for five easy payments payments of whatever you got on you No, just nailed us five payments of cheese bread and super long cigarettes. I call them against I get cigarettes I got some mine. I get the cheese then fantastic

I wanted the cheese and then you get off and enough on our podcast guys, but I feel like that one really nailed it I didn't get anything perfect out often enough on our podcast guys, but I feel like that one really nailed it. I didn't get anything. Perfect. So Henry said that they owe him ransom for a guy they captured and returned. The guy was pretty important. It was John the second, the King of France. And the French hadn't paid up in the 59 years that they had him back probably because his freshness stayed on his headstone said he expired in 1364, which is 51 fucking years ago. I feel like Henry didn't really get ransom. He has the hostage back and now he's sending them like a picture of a newspaper from 50 years

ago with a bill. What is he doing? What? Right, that's not how leverage works. Like you're supposed to send back an ear, maybe a finger. This is like kidnapping, what a one shit. Take a fucking study class.

They're like cutting up illuminated manuscripts and pasted them to gather and send it to them. So the French counteroffers, they say you're clumsy. Yeah. You can have the girl, the woman, you can marry the daughter of the king and how about 600,000 crowns, that's a lot, right? And then he disagrees and he invades. He sells this park to himself.

I've seen this one before. But isn't that just French history and a nutshell there? How about I let you fuck my sister instead? Let me see a sister. I don't know. Move to France. Sorry, I was updating my vision board. Cecil, you were saying.

So he seages a port in Harfleur, but it takes a lot longer than expected. So with the ransacking season coming to a close, he's headed back to England. But instead of just going back out the way he came, he decides to swing a little deck. And he marches through another area called Kalei in Normandy. And what are the French doing at this point? The old rabbit season duck season, ransack season training. So the French are actually gathering more people for the army at this point, thinking, fuck this fucking guy. The army's meat actually on October 24th, 1415,

but the French army is in batter shape and is bigger. Crossfit squat jacks for everybody. The English have been marching here at this point for two and a half weeks. They've covered almost 300 miles. They have dysentery because they drank the water, I guess, and they have very little food. No, British people just have cultural dysentery. We've all seen their food, beans with everything, guys. Oh, breakfast beans. Right.

Right. I think the right amount of British food is very little. That's exactly the perfect serving size. So the French, on the other hand, decide to negotiate hoping to delay the battle a little longer. So more French troops can arrive. The English want a conflict where the French attack them and the French know it. So nothing actually happens the first day. Just the entire British army doing that like fake punch two for flinching face. But the French keep running away. All of them. Like, negotiate. They wanted to like, these are the, did they just send over some of their prisoners and stand there with their hands on their hips, expectantly like, well, I hope that worked. I gave them back to their prisoners.

So I hope it. So the battle actually takes place the next day, not at dawn because the French don't give no flux because they're waiting for 8,600 more men in three deployments. The area of the battle is an open patch between two forests. Interesting. Interesting. Could you give us the exact dimensions of the battlefield?

I am super curious. Metric, exact dimensions, if you could. I could, I can actually do that. It's a strip of land of about a thousand yards, which is 900 meters. Thank you. And this is the strip that the land. Yeah.

In 100 meters. I know under meter. We appreciate it. The Marines too. Yeah. So on the one end, on the one end is the French and on the other is the English. And then there's sort of be word there on the same. The post on the screen. What happened?

This is weird. What do we do? We'll go back. No, we'll go back. We'll go back. This was somebody fucking cannot bite to all the ones playing a game of mother May. Red Rover red Rover With the Duke of Gloucester come over. Yeah, so so the patch is about

750 yards or 690. Thank you Jesus. 50 yards. So the English have set up the sharpened wooden stakes in the ground at a 45 degree angle to stop the archers from getting run down by the cavalry. But since the French aren't attacking, they move their stakes closer in the range to try to go the French army into, like, coming at them, though. I love this strategy. Okay, I bet you won't cross this line in the sand, though. This probably is a loser one now.

Like, for fuck's sake, like, how long does all this shit take? Like, you set up a line of stakes and the fucking dirt using ye oldy tools, and then some asshole comes along and is like, no, move it over there. It's like some indecisive fucking housewife shuttling the fucking couch around the living room. Where the fuck is that? All right, got it. So we got the dimensions. It was 45 degree. And you said on the on the. I think you said 45, right? Some could be as low as 40 but really Would you give it could you give us that in radians? Just for everybody

I mean this is the bottom my heart fuck you I think that's pie over for everybody okay, so these armies These armies how big are we talking? These armies, these armies, how big are we talking? The armies size ones. So there's two eyewitness chroniclers of the battle that put the French side around 15,000 total and 10,000 total respectively. Some other accounts go as high as 50,000,

but I'm gonna use the middle number because it's still a lot of people and still a crazy underdog story. And it seems like, hold on, hold on. Eyewitnesses can't tell the difference between 10,000, 15,000, you just fucking 50% more. And then 50,000, like five, this is what we're basing our account of this battle.

I don't know, there were, there's either one guy there or five guys there, I, they use the same counters that Trump used for his inaugurations. Yeah, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair. Biggest battle, it's the biggest battle we ever had with the best battle. We'd never put down the white boards under the battle before the little smaller. Also armies were sometimes counted with all the supporting personnel included like cooks and blacksmiths and servants.

So I'm just going to focus on the numbers of the troops that are repaid. Oh, okay, because we all know the French had like four chefs for every soldierly. What am I supposed to fight before the souffle? Who's what am I fucking sex on? No way, Jose. Why would he talk like that? There's just some guy by the campfire chiding everyone in the battle. Like, keep it down, you animals. My soccer tour is going to fall. Wait, soccer tour? Soccer tour was fucking invented in 1832, Tom.

God, in Vienna. Fucking get your pastries right. What the fuck, man? Can I be corrected by not a guy? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Applecrackers over can we can we start Jesus Christ's Target hello and welcome to side dish needed Show where we read an article Everybody's it's called soccer torts from Vienna. It was made in the 1800s And they were usually about you know three centimeters by five centimeters Crossed the flight at a 45 degree

10 to 12 inches that That's bragging. I don't know. Really? You're not going to use the whole. That's your conference. Anyway, persistence. All about that. That girth.

Women love girth. Okay. So getting back to the battle of Asian kura. Exactly. How many of each larper are we talking about? All right, so the breakdown of the 15,000 troops is 8,000 men at arms or night type fighters. These are like guys with heavy played, big honken weapons. You get the idea. Nope. Then These are like guys with heavy play big honken weapons. You get the idea

Nope, then there are like a blue boo Pretty much like blue boo then there are 4,000 archers with regular bows and 1500 with crossbows And then they had two units of 806 hundred cavalry men Right and those ones go up two spaces and then one over I think it jump. Oh, it's great. If they have a funny hat, they go diagonally and also inside young boys. That's there. But at least you don't have to have them. So much cheaper than Warhammer. It's great. So on the other side, on the English side, they had 1500 men at arms, but they had 7,000 archers. These are English longbowmen, a much smaller force,

and also 1500 infantry attacking 8,000 is pretty much certain death or capture. You see, a night in good plate mail back then was basically a tank. There are a few spots that they're vulnerable, but for the most part, they can go into battle and get hit with pretty much everything and withstand it. So that's not to say the other people on the field weren't armored, and that every man at

arms had a full set of plate mail made by a good armor. A lower level noble might have had a set of plate that isn't up to these standards, and other soldiers of lower rank might have male shirts and a few hard armor parts over joints, but not something as elaborate as a full set of plate. So a good full set of plate made you very hard to kill. And it was also very expensive, which meant that people still alive on the battlefield after the battle are basically like tired turtles on their backs. And like, Mark, your brothers, if you have a turtle on its back, you can get coins.

Turns out their families would pay a lot of ransom to get these people back. I feel like families were tighter back then. If my dad got a ransom note for me, he would just like look at it and sigh, put it down, turn cops back on. Yeah. I'm like, I'm in a van 60 years, maybe. Give him a 50 year T bill or something like that. We'll figure it out. I find that's true regardless of how armored your child is. John, no, no, no, no, rams. All right. Well, uh, see, so it feels like we haven't even mentioned the positioning of the archers crazy, right?

So what's the archer situation positionally at this point? Get into a lateral. Is it a lateral? Do they shoot at a 45 degree angle for maximum distance? That's the best for distance. That's the most, literally no idea. What is the draw strength I'm not doing this

All right, so the French actually decide not to set up archers or Archers where they're useful, it turns out. For your information. Okay, okay, but I mean, are the sources good on that? Or are they a little doobies? Source wise. Perhaps I set up one archer or 5,000 archers. Are we, there's a error margin here.

The sources actually aren't great on this. Thanks for asking. I didn't think they were. I didn't think they were. It sounded a little crazy. And they're not great on why. There's two prevailing theories that there is either not enough room for them and the man and arms at the men and arms at the same time, or they just didn't think they needed them.

I mean, they had 8,000 men and arms. So later in the article, it says that the, they were set up initially to be in front where they should have been, but then they just had fuck it and they put them in the back. I'm not an ancient battle tactician scholar like you are, but I sort of feel like if you have, like, I feel like that was an insult. Like, the way I said that, I just feel like an insult. I just wanted to throw it out there. I just wanted to throw it out there.

Just say, like, if you fighty weapon guys, right? You should use them to fight the opposing fighty weapon guys. Like why are they benched? They skip practice or something like to being like, no, you didn't show up. Yeah, he's called the coach an N word. Or is like behind your infantry a great place for your artillery. It turns out not back then. No, it turns out no.

The French, if they stay and wait for the English to attack them with their men and arms, they're still going to wipe the floor with these 1500 English troops. And actually have to because the English are trying to get to the sea. Yeah, it sounds like it's about to get good. Sounds like something to craze like some interesting not dimensional related number. So actually this is this is where the St. Crispin Days Beach happens.

So why don't we all sit in a semi-circle at the BF face fee? I mean, you know, that's kind of like BFF like like five letters away. It's pretty close. Almost turts worse than never. Heath almost turts worse than now. And let's listen to his rendition of Shakespeare while our audience takes a break, apropos of nothing. We few.

We. Happy few. Hey, sorry. Uh, yes. Um, kind of in the middle of, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, speech here. Um, I'm Alan. Hi, Alan. Yes, uh, sorry, uh, just quick, quick question, Governor.

When, when you say we happy few, uh, while we be happy, oh, Oh, because you will be one of the few. You on that day will point to your scars and low many, I'm sorry, my scars. What if we do want scars? I mean, it's a battle. Alan, Alan just told you. Right, sorry, busy, ruling, war. But, but, what, what we've, and to be honest, been quite a bit of ways, uh, what, what

if we don't survive this, uh, this year, bow? Well, then, you'll be remembered in glorious and phenomenal, uh, what if we terribly scarred for life? Well, what kind of, uh, veterans care can we expect? Ah, well, well, about that. We've got a family to think of, Mordy 14. Wow.

You are old for now. This story shall the good man teach his son, and Crispin, Crispin shall now go by. From this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remembered. We few, we happy, few we, band of brothers for he, today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother. Be he near so vile this day shall gentle his condition and gentlemen in England now a bad shall think themselves accursed. They were not here and hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks that fought with us upon St. Chris' Wednesday.

Yeah. Woo. Woo. Nice job, Eli. I'm not sure about the costume. I have told you this, my penis is a dead ringer for Henry the fifth, I will not compromise. So my looks like King Charles after the beheading.

Ah. No. Oh. Ah. And we're back. When we left off, we had a very good numerical understanding of the battle. There was a battle start. Good time again. Now, now something's going to happen.

Yeah. Something is going to happen now. So the English know they need to get the other side to come to them. So they pick up the stakes that they so lovingly jammed in the ground, they walk a distance toward the French so that their archers aren't range. They calmly pound the stakes back into the ground and they let off a volley of error. Those fucking stakes at this point, they better come and fucking hand it.

That's all I'm saying. We've got to get time. We've moved these fucking stakes three times. Also, also was that a rule? Like if they don't move the stakes, does it turn into like a backyard wiffl ball argument? Like we said the line, which is the second tree to the corner of the shed. We said, no, the second tree to do over, to do over. Now for what it's worth here, the French cavalry could have just decimated the archers

as they set up, but they didn't the French were surprised that the English didn't go full blown attack or the French cavalrymen were backwatering the horses or warming themselves by the fire or checking radditor something. Eating tiny little food, painting death metaphors, French thought. I'm just picturing them back there going like, hey guys, this is getting really hard to surrender to you. You want to get my head start maybe? We're going to have a steak sub of it. The rules of engagement, we're just confusing back that it's like, wait, we can only hack them to death from horseback after they shoot

arrows into our faces. Come on, like we're civilized. So once the English start shooting arrows, the French cavalry decides to attack a group into our faces. Come on, we're civilized. So once the English start shooting arrows, the French cavalry decides to attack a group of people shooting missiles surrounded by wooden spikes, and then by a forest. You can imagine it doesn't go well. It's adorable. Cecil knows so much about this stuff. He thinks we also know which side is winning now or losing. Right? It's like, it's like when people start asking me about sports, also know which side is winning now or losing or right?

It's like what people start asking me about sports. Like, what do you have in the big battle? Oh, good. Match up French and English. I don't know. Which side are you picking? So it's all about the coaches. It's all like, if they could just, you know what? If they could just stay healthy.

They could just stay healthy. Yeah. Yeah, if it's a game about to happen, they've still got something to prove. If it's already happened, they got some bad calls. And if it's an athlete, but can you do it when it counts? That's pretty much now. You know how to talk sports. Sorry. She's like, I didn't mean to throw off all your dark talk with sports stuff. You were saying about horses and costumes or something. All right. So horses, unlike people are actually much harder to armor dress up in general really like not just an ordinary

That's Better experience Better experience They mostly had armor on their head and a few other spots, but that's about it So when this several thousand longbowmen start losing on the Calvary, they probably aren't worried about hitting the man at all. You hit a horse with an arrow and it's pretty disinterested in the rider on its back and

continuing a charge for God and country. And not surprised even the French horses were quitter. Pussies. They're actually accounts of these horses bolting back through the French and infantry line and trampling their own troops, stupid fucking horses. Someone just sit down, light up cigarettes, start talking about being in nothingness. We news, we die, we win, they eat us. What does it matter?

It inevitably, irrevocably, it'll please that. Okay. So the cavalry charge does not work out is what you said. No, the cavalry charge is fucking disaster. It turns out they wind up not doing much, except they churned up the earth with the horse hooves. You see the night before there was a rain delay and the lazy greenkeepers didn't get the tarp on the field of play and time.

And so the fields wet and it was also recently plowed. Wait, wait, what? And recently plowed? That's the way to leave the morning. Off to work. Tom's getting regular sex ladies. That's that's what the dead man. That seems fun.

He was marrying. It's been a while. Yeah, yeah, give it a year. Sure, get off on the toilet like a all this kind of comes into play right now. The French decide not to wait any longer and they start closing the gap between the two lines of men and arms and they start marching. Yeah, come on guys. The business and the melee weapons can't be less pleasant than just being friends.

I mean, but they're the only people in the world that don't speak English. They're not listening. Okay, so for anyone taking the SATs, Noah is to France as Eli is to Boston. Just a fun way to play along. It seems like a great plan. Like, how do you motivate the next set of troops for this? Like, hey, like all our horse guys now have sticks in their eyes. So, hey, you don't have a horse.

Why don't you go way through the mud yourself? You're like, give it a lot better than our horse guys. It's horse guys. Actually, clamoring to do this, see these people want to get paid. It says in the article, they all want to be up front so they can be the first to grab some noble in cash in. So there's a bunch of them all clamoring to march anyway. And many of the nobles want to be in the vanguard against the suggestions of many of the veteran nights.

Yeah. Again, look, I like money and ransoming people to the highest bidder as much as the next guy. But really like not being fucking dead. Like a much, much more like way more. So it's just a bunch of fat kids in metal suits wrestling their way to the front of a marathon. Basically, just trampling over the Kenyan's front. Where's a shot only constructed molasses silo when you need one right? It's a amazing story. So the good thing is that the French nobles probably have some great armor.

And now as I said earlier, people in good armor probably have very little to worry about. Errors are just gonna bounce off them mostly. But there are some spots that they're vulnerable. You can take one in the limbs that are not as heavily armored or in the eye slot. Niche but hot. Also. Oh, the Asian version is the best. Because of the different shaped eye slots.

Also, even if the arrow didn't penetrate, this would probably fucking hurt a lot. And this isn't getting plunked by one or two arrows once in a while. This is thousands of archers that are shooting their arrows at you and you're getting hammered the whole distance. So everyone's just like yelling at each other from inside giant metal helmets. Like I called front row. What? What?

I can't hear what you're saying. I'm taking off my habit splashes. Also, as I mentioned earlier, it's fucking muddy and these nights are up to their knees in mud. They're trudging across a battlefield, getting pounded in the armor with arrows. And needless to say, some of them fall and the crush behind them just tramples them because the people in the back want to get

some of that sweet sweet ransom money too. And the author states that some of these knights actually fell down and they drown in their own helmets. She's roused. It's it. Yes, that's what says. It's like it up time to avoid that, wouldn't you? Like you're watching mud slowly get higher in your helmet.

Maybe open the helmet. Open the fucking Iceland. Open the fucking Iceland. Yeah, well, but he said they were thinking, okay, do I die a arrow to the head crushed by my greedy teammates or drowning in puke mud and the spontaneous urine of terrified horses. G. Either way, I think we can all agree that the national football league sees no correlation between the battle field, like I mentioned earlier, I gave you the exact dimension.

So the battlefield is narrow. You can go back if you want and listen to that portion again. It was 690 meters. I think that's 700 yards. 700, 50 yards. Thank you. The battlefields, it's narrow. It's going to keep soldering on like these fucking dumb French people. So it's narrow. She's going to keep soldiering on like these fucking dumb French people.

So it's narrow. And it basically funnels the French troops right into the English and it doesn't really let the French use their superior numbers. So to summarize, the soldiers that fall probably die or can't get up. The soldiers that get shot also don't make it. And the ones that do make it to the English line are about as tired as forest gump after he carried his legless friend around all day. They finally get to the English. Fuck hold on.

I'm out. All right, put the route. Put the route. Just one more second. One more second. All right, we're fighting. We're fighting. We're fighting.

Very funny. A lot of people need to do that between billiard shots, man We're not all athletic You know, it'd be that like that one guy though upfront who's like not even winded just bouncing on his fucking toes and grinning and shouting beast mode And like posting for pictures the field is crossed and putting on Instagram Instagram like hashtag ready for hat-up battle hashtag rising grind hashtag Trying I call himself coach

To rest of us don't hang out with that guy. That's just you, Tommy. That's just you and yours not Flattering to me. That is not a flattering truth So the French actually do make it to the opposing line and they push it back or the line just fell back because the archers are basically right on the flanks of the French line. So the archers drop their bows and grabbed hatchets and mallets and other weapons and attack the sides in a sort of reverse jaws of life. It's like the same action as the jaws to the different result from life. The French should have shot the scuba tank like it works every time done. One thing to remember here is that the archers are not nobles. In fact, one of the accounts of the French thought so little of these archers that they

didn't even count their number. The French pretty much ignored the archers and well back then you just couldn't ignore poor people, I guess. Yeah, poor people were white for a long time, actually throughout like European history. There's a lot of parts of the world times from their white. True story. I don't even like to think about it.

Look, I get being a classist prick, but I think ignoring anyone that is shooting at you actively rises to like a new level of air. Like an Eli level of Erica. Okay, okay, first of all, big words from men who lives in Chicago, second of all, I hate poor people without discrimination.

I hate them because they're poor because they did a bad job of being rich. So Cecil, if you're going to pick one word, you describe this as a slaughter. Yeah, pretty much a slaughter, I would say. It's the battles raging. The archers come in from the sides and just decimate them. The King of England at one point, here's his brother, the Duke of Gloucester's injured. He grabs his peeps and he rolls over to protect him while those people pull the Duke out of the fighting. The King at this point gets hit in the head with an axe and it fucks up his crown on his

helmet, but he's totally fine. It sounds like bullshit. I feel like you just wanted an ax stuck in his helmet to look badass later. Right. Yeah. Like a bench warmer kid who like slides in the dirt after the baseball game. So his pants look like he played. Anything for the snow cone.

Am I right? You don't get a snow cone for that. Wait, wait a second. He wore a crown on his helmet. It's got to look silly as fucking an astronaut with a giant baseball cap. It was actually a giant novelty crown that he had on his burger can. Like a Burger King. I think if I had a fucking crown, I think that means that I'm'm in more of a super visory role in this battle. Like honestly, like what good is having the crown if it means you have to wait in among

all the people looking to score you to hold his ransom for your fucking crown. At some point, there's an attack on Henry's luggage caravan. His luggage carat, his wife must have packed before him. I'm not going be six. Okay, go ahead. You could carry on. You need two carrying suits. Two swimsuits. Two. Like, you're going to wear a swimsuit and then you're going to be like, but I don't want to wear the same swimsuit tomorrow. Everyone will judge me. So they actually take a bunch of his shit, including a crown, which was all fucked up, but he's the where.

No. Henry's pissed and he's also scared at this point. He has what is estimated at several thousand French troops in captivity. And the way it reads his prisoners outnumber his force by a lot. He also hears rumors that the French are mounting a counter attack and these prisoners could easily join in the fight. So he decides to kill them or kill a lot of them. All of this from lost luggage?

Like, can you imagine if they made them switch seats? Well, the fire was still between about it, yeah. All right, so killing all the POWs, is that like a normal protocol? No, it's not actually. It's not. It turns out that a lot of his nobles disagreed. They call this battle. One of the one of the one of the monocles is the

death of chivalry. Yeah. So it's a pretty pretty unshivorous to just murder the other side after they surrender. But he says either it's them or you and the English chose them. Well, and to be fair, we learned in 1940 that the French would have made the same decision if they had it on their side too Exactly So in the end the lowest estimate has the English losing six times less people than the French or 60 times depending on the other witness We don't know The lowest estimate would still be the same

Six to one. Is that what you're saying? Six to one ratio. Jesus. This is writing. 45 degree angle. 45. When does the battle start? So in the end, a large force of really heavily favored troops lost, and everyone remembers the battle when the cocky guy gets his. All right. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, Cecil, what would that sentence be? No, it would actually be two sentences. Don't count your ransom when you're fighting in the battle. It will be plenty left to pick through when the war is done. Nice.

All right. It's good advice. All right. You ready for that quiz, Cecil? I am. I'm as ready as a Frenchman that just marched across a river mud. All right, you ready for that quiz, Cecil? I am. I was ready as a Frenchman that just marched across a river of mud. All right, Cecil, the French lost the battle of agoraphobia because they refused to take poor people seriously and they were greedy. So what are some common shorthand terms for this?

A, hubris, b, pomposity, c, arrogance, d, republicanism. I'm going to go D. I'm living history right now. All right, Cecil, after slogging through the indecisurable gibberish, there is information that you love the most. What should next week's episode be if we're going to follow the theme? Is it A, Eli's guide to celebrities who have killed themselves and or other people. B, Tom's tour of heavy things he can lift up quickly. See, he's got sampling in history hour. I like that.

Or D, people know a hates part one of 85. I feel like D is just a rip off of skating. He is so amazing. Two out of 32. Two out of 32. Shoot on the parts before being there. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go, he's scotch sampling in history to where that sounds fascinating

That's how fucking fascinating that is correct that is next week's next week is canceled and we're just gonna do that The whole week is canceled not just the episode okay So as bad as this was it was nowhere near the biggest embarrassment in French history So according to a 2017 French survey, I made up for the purposes of this question. What is the most humiliating thing about being French? She's the French so much. They won't learn fucking English.

A, the freedom fry thing. And Stung, when they let on, they tried acting, it was not a big deal. Was it B? The fact that there are iconic architectural structure is a fucking radio antenna. Is it a big one? Is see the fact that all of their restaurants have the kind of shit Eli eats or is it D a tie between every French military engagement since the Flemish whipped their asses in 1302. Oh shit.

Fuck. I think it's see the fact that all their restaurants have the kind of shit that you like. That is a good guess. That's what I was expecting, but no, it is the freedom fry thing. They're really, they're fucking clunky. They're not worried about that. My goodness. Well, these are people who eat snails, man.

The fried potato wedges all they had to hang onto. Only thing anyone else wanted to eat. These are people who eat snails, man, the fried potato wedges all they had to hang on to. Only thing anyone else wanted to eat. So, all right. No, congrats on being the only person to stump the expert. And that means you get to choose Eli as the essay writer for next week. Who would you like to pick? I will pick Eli as the essay writer for next week. And here's the Sinda with last week's Twitter winner and this week's audience question,

the Sinda. Thanks, Heath. So last week we had 2.3 million gallons of molasses covering Boston and we asked you to combine it with some other stuff lying around in the streets and offer up your best dishes. And this week's winner is at Conscious Deer 88 who had going for a recipe with molasses. Shoe fly pie. Now containing actual flies and molasses drowned resident shoes. We had a bunch of great ones but this is the only one that really made me hungry. So congratulations

at Conscious Deer 88. Alright now obviously the only reason the French lost is because the guys weren't there to help. So for this week's Twitter question, we want to know which citation needed host you think could have swung the battle and how they'd have done it. Just retweet this week's episode or share it on Facebook along with your answer for a chance to win. Win what? Quit asking so many questions. Back to you, Heath.

Alright, well for Cecil, Tom, Eli, and Noah, I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Eli will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, check out Tom and Cecil on their show that's as hard as three shows to produce, cognitive distance. They spend days and days ahead of time writing up their hilarious ideas. And also check out Eli, Noah Noah and myself on our three completely effortless improvised shows, The Skating Atheists, The Skeptocrat, and God All the Movies. We're exactly as funny as our laughter makes it sound, and if you'd like to help keep

the show going, you can make a prayer episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, or leave us a glowing review anywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us check out past episodes connect with us on social media or check the show notes be sure to check out citation pod dot com uh... jamaji That's not our question. Longtail marketing. of the mute. I'm gonna touch your neck because you're all neck. You guys can all just button a shirt like no problem. I love you. I love you. You're an a Gorge A neck armor. You have an 18 inch. You have to get one with like a strappy friend for fat thingy. Pretty sure. I need the gore jay would do. She helps.

Tom just asked the hire a shieldman to stand in front of the mask. You know, just like, sir, you're protected except for your neck. It's like that's my own god damn it. It took a spear to the throat. I mean, he literally couldn't take it anywhere else. I'm doing it. I'm gonna, the spear throw closed his eyes.

It stood in the other direction and hit him. The neck. you