Citation Needed - The Cadaver Synod

Episode Date: August 16, 2017

The Cadaver Synod (also called the Cadaver Trial; Latin: Synodus Horrenda) is the name commonly given to the posthumous ecclesiastical trial of Pope Formosus, held in the Basilica of St. John Lateran in Rome during January 897.[1] The trial was conducted by Pope Stephen VI (sometimes called Stephen VII), who was the successor to Formosus' successor, Pope Boniface VI. Stephen accused Formosus of perjury and of having acceded to the papacy illegally. At the end of the trial, Formosus was pronounced guilty and his papacy retroactively declared null. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Okay, Eli, what did you want to talk about? I was really clear. I mean, really clear. I know. And him not being allowed in meetings. I know. Right? Yeah.

I seconded. Okay. Okay. Guys, I know we're trying to ramp up publicity for the show and I thought this week, what better way than for me to get us a famous guest? It hasn't worked in the past for us. Oh, dude. Seriously, what is, what does that smell?

What does that smell? I know our other shows are atheists. I figure, hey, what better way to boost this one than one of the four horsemen of atheism? Wow. Wait, really? Yeah. How did you get, Harris?

You could have got dockens. None of us are women. That's true. Yeah. So it's like old grass. Denet? Denet, dude, that's amazing. Denet is awesome.

He's like the- No. What do you mean? I don't understand what- Tada! It's Hitch! Oh, Jesus. No!

Oh, Jesus. No! No! Dude, we are so screwed. Come on, guys, this week is the cadaver sonat. It's perfect. We're C.J. Whirlin. How did I end up?

C.J., I'm garbage. I will die. Come on, guys. Come on. Hit slap. Hit slap. Garders, not. Don't slap me with the dead body of my heroes.

If I had a nico. What is happening? Well, somebody tell me who this guy is, I have no idea what's going on. Well, it was, it was Christopher Hitchens. Christopher, the kid with the bear? Welcome and hello to Citation Needed. Hey, turns out that is as hard to say as Eli makes it look. The podcast where we choose a the subject read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. No illusions and I'll be acting in the role of the crypt keeper this week, but you can't have a tale of terror without a frightening cast

of characters and boy do I have a plethora of those first up the Wolfman and Frankenstein are podcasting Tom and Cecil. I'm going to presume in this one that I'm the Frankenstein here, not because I can't grow a proper beard, but because I know you have created things helpent on my destruction. Kids, kids, am I right? Kids? I want nuts. That's just me. And I'm on the werewolf because I'm mutilated, a little old lady late last night.

I assure you, that was a one-off It's Chicago in your white seat. So doesn't matter. You're in the clear There are rules there are rules and regulations and of course also joining us tonight my two favorite blood suckers He fed right in Eli Bosnick You know what I've been getting into recently scabs right in Eli Bosnick. You know what I've been getting into recently? Scabs. I like wet and dry at the same time.

You wet and dry like combo, you know what I'm saying? Fun times. You make a couple of payday loans to your business partners and the name calling it just a gig. You didn't use anything anti-Semitic. So I mean, I feel like I owe some credit here, Eli. Come on. Now, before we dig into today's subject, I'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons, specifically Cynthia, who's suggested this week's topic in the July suggestion box. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show.

Unless, of course, the zombie hordes have already broken through the barricade, in which case, go to patreon.com slash citation pod and give whatever you're aren't leaving to your family. And with that out of the way, tell us, Tom, what person plays think concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? That would be the could never sign on. Sinon. Sinon. Sinon.

I think you nailed it all three times. That right? Yeah. It rotates. You have to change it. Every third. You get it. It's all the moves.

Nope. Well, now I feel like this is the wrong question. Eli, you chose this subject to assume to put your own actions in context. So are you ready to look better by comparison? I'm just saying I never put any of mine on trial. Boom. So tell us, Eli, how do you decide which words you're going to capitalize when you write the scripts? And also what is the cadaverson? It's every third. It's like synop. You just split it over and I just let the keys take me away. I'm like, I'm like steamy wonder. The cadaverson ad is the time, the Catholic church dug up a dead Pope and put him on trial for perjury. No, all right. I quit the show

trial. You don't know the half of it. I'm only a little aroused right now. Just a little, the only one. I'm not. Well, no, I mean, I'm around eight thirty. I'm around either. And not just because my balls get me there for free, like a true a third, true a 30. I still quit, but I'm listening. All right, Eli, it looks like Heath's going to need it. So you want to give us some background? Uh, yeah. Okay.

So Heath has a different sleep schedule than me. So whenever I text him, he'd be asleep and that sort of turned out to the joke. He like, when do I, I, I, like, I meant about the dug up dead guy. Oh, well, they are similar stories Noah, so you're wrong to show him down, but you are correct. Some background would help. Yeah, this is why I'm the host on our show. For now, I'm gonna dig you up, take your host.

What? I like that, but did you say that you'll outlive know what I don't fund a pretend fund pretend my my my fucking retirement plan is smoking my I feel like that's a race neither one of you is going to win I'm just

so the origins of the cadaverson on have two major influences. First, the fact that late ninth century, early 10th century Italy looked a lot like the late season episode of Game of Thrones. Yeah, it could swing a dead pulp without hitting a computer-generated dragon, right? We're thing to do. Thanks for giving away the entire theme of my upcoming rap video, Cecil. Jesus, you're supposed must be a surprise.

No, I just want to chime in and say, really impressed by the dancing in that video. Thank you. All those torque shops came in really handy. For just something. It's like a broken metronome. Just click, click, click, click, click. You got that upside down one, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Don't say that. You know the sound it falls on the table. And secondly, that's because the popes were really sticking at this time to the whole this guy talks to God thing. So when one pope did something you didn't like, you didn't get to be just like, ah, never mind what Steve said, you had a good one, try or burn him and shit, which turns out very hard to do if he's dead.

It seems like that would make it easier, but you've been that hard to go, whatever you say. Easier to catch him, right? You know, so I gotta get away. I mean, you let him dry up a little, go match like Pope, so it's like match like Pope. I was really only one way to find out and settle this.

Like, don't we have like a leftover Pope still laying around? Nobody's using any more? Yeah, he's still alive. Oh, we have deathmars too. They're not using the dead one. Yeah, they're not using the dead ones. And they're not using a live one. Yeah, right.

So we have, we have to just hang it out. We can run this. This is science guys. Absolutely. And it's just being a way of it. We have a way of it. We can run this. This is science, guys. Absolutely. And it's just being a good originalist. You're really doing more puppet stuff with Scalia's corpse. Is what I'm saying.

That's how we intend to. All right. Now, obviously, you had Cecil and me at late-night century, early 10th century, Italy. So, watch a little at history, Honestila. I will know. And don't worry, Heath and Tom. If I can work dating women with much younger bodies than mine in to keep your attention, I will have the body gets to all day start to smell weird. See Eli. Yeah. Remember that middle school cafeteria smell?

Sorry. Well, we talked about John Bene Ramsey. So our main character and soon to be corpse defended is a pope called for Moses. Voted class of 858, most likely to have his name co-opted for a future X-Men villain. For Moses, sounds like a sexually transmitted disease. Oh man, he lied just called. I have to get tested for for Moses. Again, I have got to stop eating ass on the first day. Not working for you.

I'm pretty sure the ass germs are still there on the second day. If they were there, I don't think that's dangerous. Not if you clean your plate. What? What? Now we know how Cecil gets a second date. Ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway, while everyone tries not to dwell on the image

of Cecil eating ass, why would you want to not? I can't actually reach my beard. Not. Cecil. Bummer. Like sitting on a brillo pad, like you know, shoe shutters. They have it a nice hotel.

You just push the button and lower yourself onto it. Anyway, for Moses, became Bishop of Porto in 864 during the pontificate of Pope Nicholas I. He's the sports reference that means good. I'll fill this in later a I don't understand anything that you just said They had a no clarity to the situation mini either Tom mini either way. He's the black person of bishop many of the way he's the black person of Bishop is that what you mean? Yes.

Yeah, okay. They'll do. That's a positive, I'm saying. They're good at sports. Yep. He is the Martin Luther King Jr. of sports. I feel okay. I don't know if he was.

All right. Sports, okay. He doesn't sports Pope. That's okay. Nothing in the rule books is a Pope can't play sports. Airblood seven takes a swift downward dream. That's okay. Nothing in the rule books is a Pope can't play sports. Airbud seven takes a shift our dream. Anyway, for most is carried out missionary activity among the Bulgarians.

I love that porn. I'm gentle. Yeah. No, if I'm going Bulgarian, I want to see your bent over a pommel horse or the ballgang shoved up for Aspen. You do. Oh, no, you think a missionary position? I'm talking about drowning in the baptism. Okay. Yeah. That's good. That's better. I have questions about Tom's last sentence. Do you? I mean, I thought it was pretty clear. It's pretty visceral. Actually painted a picture. I just seems like a weird use for a ball gag. Does it? Because it can't. It's meant for a head. So it's like, I'm gonna go around the, I don't wanna get into it.

So, it does, what kind of loop you can get anything? It's about around the body. It's not about inside. It's about around, it just seems like a waste of straps. She's walking around looking like an octopus.

I feel like I said, I feel like I said you, do you. I'm gonna go. Out of the handles of the Pommel Horse come in? I feel like that should be involved. Good question. Good question. The show is about this. You need a lot of chalk.

But for Moses was so successful as a missionary that they actually requested him for their bishop, which is a huge deal. But the problem was during the second council of Nicaea, where they worked out all the unimportant shit, they decided a bishop couldn't leave his C. So he had to say no. Yeah, but he could have if Bulgaria was diagonal to Porto. I'm confused. Which musketeer are we talking about right now? Fifth one.

Fun side fact, the first council of Nicaea is where Santa slapped a guy for saying Jesus wasn't magic. That's your real idea. Google that shit. That's way more historically accurate than Kurt Cameron's retelling, I guess. So sure. Oh, more historically inaccurate than Kurt Cameron. So that's more realistic that somebody throwing away their computer monitors so they don't jerk

off to porn anymore. Also, I'm jerking off right now. Stop that. You can't be out of it. Just audio, right? Just the audio, no monitor. I do that too. I like to masturbate as a little sleep. It's like, you know, you listen to scrubs that you've seen before.

It's kind of like that. Jerk off just scrubs that you've seen before. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. I did just Google this, you lay it, it is. It's just Santa slapping Faye Dunnoway. He's the father, slap. He's the son, slap.

He's the Holy Spirit, slap. Still more historically accurate than Kirk Cameron's retelling. And now I agree with Cecil. Love that porn hub channel. Yeah. Also agree. Chinatown channels are the best. Guys, basically a job that we should check that China town channels isn't a slur because he sometimes throws them out that we're not. He's got the slur deep cuts. So then just give that a Google before we put that on the air.

So in 875 shortly afterwards, here's the first weird name by the way in the story. Charles the bald's imperial coronation. Formosus fled Rome in fear of the then Pope John the eighth. Yeah, Pope John a reptile dysfunction the eighth. Why there's no ninth for that. We should return to naming conventions like this. I like that. You know, you have to use a block party or something.

You just introduce to round and like, oh, here's Phil, the premature Johnson and Howard, the goiter Simmons Alexander, anal Fisher Stevens. You really get to know people. I mean, it would have saved me and Howard a lot of staring. That's all I'm saying. Yes. And me and Phil and Alex would have done a different formation. That's it.

Everybody wins. It's all I'm saying. Now, Firmosis runs away because John Athe was mad because the Bulgarians loved Firmosis so much that they wouldn't take another bishop. And John Athe took this as a sign sign that Formosis was like corrupting them and conspiring against him and the king, who, if I haven't mentioned yet, was king and still allowed himself to be called Charles the Bulb.

The person signed out so confused about that. So, so the Pope X communicates Formosis and two years later he makes it official. I don't understand. Makes it official. How would he? Where's varsity jacket to the big game? It's an honor, official, excommunication. Yeah, you know, you post pictures of you X communicating on Facebook,

but you don't change your relationship status. He gets it. He gets it. Do I? Do I? Yeah, it's complicated. It's complicated. Spoken, he gets it belong in the same paragraph.

But anyway, you were saying about excommunication? Right. So this is super important. According to some reports, for Moses was actually there for his excommunication. And according to those reports, he was like, oh, I'm so sorry, I'll never ever be part. But that is very

likely the result of the end of this story and is probably not true. I just, what's the big deal? Like if he doesn't hope right or whatever, you can just go back to being the emperor of Star Wars, right? I was part of Sith you. It's very different. Like a club. Exactly. It's like the boy scats. So, shirk lanyards and lampshades are too fast. What they made them out of isn't important. I got a drawer. So sure enough, John the eighth dies in December of 882. For Moses, reassumes his bishopdom at Porto, where he remained until surprise,

he's elected Pope on 6th of October 891. Which matters. Yeah. Which matters because for a lot of people, this was evidence that he was in fact trying to overthrow John the 8th and that he broke his promise to never ever be Pope, at least according to the people who are going to dig him up and yell the accusation of his corpse in like two minutes. All right, wait. So he was trying to overthrow a guy who died and now people are mad at him and they're going to dig him up and then be mad at his quote, the fuck is going on here? All right.

Well, as I understand it right now, we have a living pope who's last bossed in Likin very much. So when do we get to the part where they dig up a dead guy? My boss hates me. I can relate. Cecil, when I die, can you promise you'll scream at my corpse? Just isn't that every episode of Cognitive Visitors? Pretty much.

Well, Noah, we're getting there. Don't rush me. You wrote this script for me. You could have written me a different line to ask Eli. All right. No need to be metta Noah. You are being metta. You wrote this line. The line I'm saying now.

Eli's address is ****. And Tom is ****. Not anymore. No. Doesn't matter. All that's bleeped out anyway. And Tom is a f***ing... Not anymore? No, it doesn't matter, all that's bleeped out anyway. And with confidence that Eli's Address and Tom's Secret are thoroughly beaped out, we're all gonna pinch Eli a little bit while you enjoy our interstitial music and we move

to apropos of nothing. Come in. You called my lord? Oh, Eric, come in. Yes, you're holding us. So how's it going? Um, okay, I guess my daughter just turned four. Four. Wow. Crazy. They grow up so fast.

Tell me about it. I'm 13. So yeah, totally. Toats. So anyway, Eric, can I call you Eric? Yeah, you sure. I think you're God. So sure. Right. You do. I forgot about that. So here's the thing, East Mesh. Got this sonad coming up. Sinon Sinon. It's sonad fancy word for trial. Don't worry about it. I see. And I'm trying this dead

Pope. And there's like nobody to answer the questions on his behalf. You see. And, uh, and I was thinking, maybe, you know, you could me. Yeah, you know, you get in there, you move the jar around a little bit, wave the arms, guilty, ping-pong, boom. I'm not super comfortable popping a long dead pope. Okay, well, spoiler alert, E-dog, not gonna be a pope at the end of the trial, but if you don't want to help me, I mean, it's fine, I am God. But I don't, I'll help, I'll help, I'll help. Good. Now, about halfway through, you're gonna make it look like he gets a super embarrassing boner.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ And we're back in with Eli Thoroughly, pinched, we're ready to hear more about papal scheme. Sorry I cried so much guys. Sorry I cried so much. You cried a lot. A lot. And not necessary for you to beg. I mean, we're gonna get to the nipples eventually.

Yeah, and we get it. You have feeling in your nipples. It's not even a showboat. Check your live nipple privilege. Everyone has it so easy. So as I was saying, once he's Pope Formosa's crowned Lambert of Spoletto co-ruler of the Holy Roman Empire in 892, the problem was Lambert's father, second cylinder name incoming. You guys ready? Guy, the third of Spoletto seems lazy, just saying little lazy and already been crowned by John the eighth, which makes guy the third not happy. Did he just have like a bunch of crowns and a t-shirt gun or something?

Right. Actually, if everyone reaches under their chairs, you get a miter and you get a miter. Everyone gets a miter. I don't know. That was Oprah. Works like Oprah. I don't know. Any of this works. Did he make it to the back row at the Vatican? Is that that how you get crowned? When you're infallible, you can just, you know, I say there's no rules at this point, right? Up is purple now is in his quiver if he wants. So I feel like Lambert and Guy and James Comey are all about to get fired. That was pretty close, he's pretty close.

So afraid that everyone in that family is just going to be mad at him in 893, like a teenage girl, for Moses invites the Carolingian, funny name number three, all-nerf, the Duke of Corinthia, to invade Italy and receive the Imperial Crown instead. Jesus, it's like fucking ring toss with these crowns for Christ. For Christ's sake. Get a crown, you want a goldfish?

He's like, no. What is an invasion invitation look like? Like do you get a and guest for your army? You can't get no matter what though. I don't think that you can get the save the day because that's like a spoiler alert. You know what I mean? Usually you get a guest or if you don't ask like a good boyfriend,

he gets it. Again, he gets that. Some of my friends are poor and it's complicated. This is a very long tail marketed episode folks. So fun side fact number two and funny name number four, Arnolf would later overthrow his uncle Emperor Charles the fat and become the king. Yeah, yeah. And that would make him the king of East Francia, which again, I think members of our cast who had the nickname, the **** far into their adult life will appreciate it. All right. And Emperor, okay, I'm Charles the fat.

This is a doxy episode. We're going to have some beeping again. See, so just the heads up need more pinching though, more pinching less doxy. I said we'd get to the nipples. Don't rush me. Very defensive about that. Very. So back to the story, sadly for Phrymosis, Arnold's end agent failed, but guy the third dies shortly afterwards. So for Moses tells Arno like, Hey, try again in 895. And early the next year, he's like a second shot. It's got like a, like a, like a, like a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a Roman Empire. Jesus, did he just have a fucking full-time crown smith at this point? What do you want as number?

I think you're jealous. I already have two. I feel like I could have just flashed my mobs and he throw me a crown like it's Marty Grisges. I got lots of beads in the world. All right. Now, Eli, I don't say this lightly. At this point, even I'm getting tired of the

political machinations of a guy named Arnold. And I, as Eli has written in here for me, care about the moon going behind the sun's shadow. I'm gonna leave that. And instead, I'm gonna say, make with a dead guy, bro. Okay. Okay. So Arnold and Firmosis die within months of each other in 896. And Firmosis was succeeded by Pope Boniface VI, who dies himself two weeks later. Not a great year to have any of these guys on your fantasy team, you know, but also, he's nearly all of Europe had these guys

on their fantasy team. Just, who do your celebrity death pool though? Well, okay, so at least now we have an abundance of dead people to choose from, I guess. That's true, we do. The problem is Lambert and his mother who it turns out Lambert. Lambert. Lambert. Lambert and his mother who it turns out were not mad.

Enter Rome around the time that Stephen the sixth becomes Pope and they're like, Hey, I'm here to be Holy Roman Emperor, like the guy before the guy before you promised me. It's Stephen's like, yeah, well, he's dead and I assume everyone just kind of like stood around shifting foot to foot until someone was like, you want to dig him up and make you holy rowing at Byron? Dig him up and man fuck up and make him hold it up. I mean just the ones we both said. Yeah, it's good.

It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good.

It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. Then that too. If we both said fuck, I just wanted to be like, do we both say fuck him? We did. All right, you would be mad. I thought you didn't say, okay, no, so we're fucking him. That's locked in.

I have love for you. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Can you imagine the punch- I'm just like high school biology class. Just, mm. Wait, wait. Describe your high school biology class. It sounds squirtier than mine.

What was happening there? You didn't dissect a pulp, too? Should've gone to Catholic school. He should have gone to Catholic school. I feel like my whole life is squirtier than yours. Squirtier than yours for your guys is biography, your whole biography like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Twins. But you're both Danny DeVito. So the question, so the question of who suggested up digging up the dead guy has actually been way

more difficult to determine than it would be for say members of this podcast. I will stop when they catch me and not a minute sooner. Experience proof that's earlier than Eli was stopped anyway. Why why was it difficult in this case? Okay, so up until the early 20th century, everyone assumed that Lambert and his mother forced the then Pope, Steve and the Sixth to do it and to reassert his claim on the Imperial Crown. And maybe also get some revenge on the dead guy, who would promise to go to prom with two girls as a bonus.

Well, I just wanna be clear here, if you're schlepping around my fetted, putrescent corpse, I'm the one getting revenge, right? I don't know this now. Or maybe everyone's enjoying it. I'm like, when, when, how are we doing? So fair, fair.

But if there's revenge getting, I'm just, I'm just saying. Right. That's fair. And that theory that was the Lambert who made the Pope do it makes sense. However, in 1932, historian Joseph Durr, funny names, pointed out that Lambert was at the Ravenna Council of 898, where the decrees of the cadaverson odd were revoked, and agreed to them. So if Lambert had encouraged the trial in the first place, it doesn't really make sense historically that he would later go to the nullification

and that nobody at that nullification would be like, hey man What not your idea in the first place Yeah, that does make perfect sound unlike the rough draft of this script, which is inscrutable gibberish I could read it. It's like a mystery as he's reading it. You're like, oh, that's what he was saying there. That's what that was. I know where it was. Exactly. I guess if you don't punctuate anything in every set, fuck you.

All right. Just one long sentence with random capitalizations. All right. Well, Eli, if I've told you in Tom once, I've told you a thousand times, I don't care whose idea it was to dig up the body. I want to hear what happened to it afterwards. Okay. So on to the sonat itself.

So probably around January 897, the new Pope, Stephen the six, ordered for Moses to be removed from his tomb and brought to the papal court for judgment. Okay. So what would the dimensions of a tomb like that be in 897? Cecil? That's a question. Do you want that in metric or do you want? I would like that in metric.

Okay, here it is. Go fuck yourself. Oh, a green one. So with the corpse propped up on a throne, a deacon was appointed to answer for the deceased pontiff. I gotta say, I feel a certain kinship, although when I'm inevitably judged dead riding on the throne, I suspect I'll have more in common with Elvis than hope for Micah or whatever the fuck his name is. I feel like a spatula would be needed if it were a hot day.

Is that why there's a spatula in your bathroom? You know, I was using it wrong. I've been using it wrong. I'm using that. I feel like not the right. I could die at any moment, not the right way. I don't want to say. Well, some of us might always die on the toilet, heathed, so weird, braggie thing for you

to say. Anyways, for Moses was accused, again, his dead body was accused of transmigrating seas in violation of canon law, of perury and of serving as a bishop will actually elame and because again, he totally was there for his excommunication and promised to never be a priest again. Laws, laws must have changed in 500 years. Columbus was never put on trial for transmigrating seas. Huh?

Transmigrant. Can you get some fucking killer money right now? See, so if you want the killer money, you know what you have to do. Or what Thomas do it right? I will turn that shit into smoke rings and blow it across the room like a hipster and a vapeshop for that kind of money. For Garas and killer money, I'll put my face into a bowl of it at a restaurant and blow like George Costanza. I don't care. I'm gonna be super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super super for a while. Can be hard to think about other things for a little bit. So eventually the corpse was found guilty because that Deacon who had to answer for him did a shitty job

and sources say that after the corpse had been stripped of its papal vestments, Stephen then cut off the three fingers of the right hand that had been used in life for blessings. This is why you never go with the public defense. This is why you never go with the public to find it. This is why. To be fair, I'd have a lot more negative shit to say about this guy if he was like somehow awesome at this. You know, we have a question. Just sticks his arm up in there, starts doing jalapeno on a stick and killing it.

Great, great, great grandfather of Jeff Dunham. You got it. The world's best comedian. So, after that, he formally invalates all of Fremosus' acts and ordinations, including ironically his own ordination because Steven the Sixth had been a bishop under Fremosus. Jeff Dunham, guy just walks over the prosecutor's table, starts questioning Pope Steve. Can a layperson be Pope?

No, I thought this was Italy. I mean, not Italy. So finally, the body was in turn to graveyard for foreigners only to be dug up once again, tied to weights and cast into the type of river. Did they actually troll with it or did you just fish from the shore? I was actually picturing like a chumbucket situation. Just popped out of the water. Just once, I want someone to play with my body as much as they are playing with this fucking tors.

Message received, Tom. Loud and clear wink Nudge Five fingers wing got it whoa All right, so did everybody live happily ever after from that point You like they did not as you can imagine Noah hearing someone dug up a Pope not once but twice and threw it in a river near where you live Trying to fit one of those big hats into a Britta Phil turtius

Just trying to fit one of those big hats into a brinna filter just People were so mad in fact You were slapping around in the water wheel All the kids are floating So they were so mad in fact that rumors circulated that for Moses's body after washing If I'm your home mom can I keep it up? So they were so mad in fact that rumors circulated that for Moses' body after washing up on the banks of the tibar had begun to perform miracles. Huh, washed up, miracles kind of like Tim Tibo. I feel like the miracle at this point is that there's even anybody left.

You know, like if this guy had been in Fargo, they'd be standing together into the woodchipper piece. He'd be in the gather like a jigsaw bubble. I got an edge piece. I got an edge piece. Gotta start with the building. So this gets so bad that a public uprising

leads to Stephen being deposed and imprisoned. While in prison in July or August of 1897, Stephen is strangled. And then while and then while he's daddy escaped from Shawshank. Yeah, a poster of Pope formula 409 on his wall. Oh, the like the bogs characters way more interesting in this one. Interesting is the is it gave gay if the guy's dead? I feel like I've just decided.

These are the questions. These are the questions we ask that Garrison killed him all. He takes emails, ask Garrison killer. So in hopes of not getting strangled like his predecessor, Pope Theodore just second. He might. Pope Theodore, the second, conveyed a different sonad that annulled the cadaver sonad,

rehabilitated for Moses, rehabilitated for Moses, and ordered that his body, which had been recovered from the tibar, be re-barried in St. Peter's, Basilica in Pontifical Vestments. This guy's body is like a receipt, you didn't think you made. Just, uh-huh. Hey man, did you blow your nose in that? Ah!

And yes, we'll say that's mucus. Just, uh-huh. Just, uh-huh. Yep. Yeah, fuck you, Best Buy. Fuck you. No, this is my Fitbit from home. I made this at home, fuck you.

You have no way of looking this up in the system. What if I started to steal it? I think all of a sudden you'd find cameras. You big shitty story. I hope you have to wear a blue shirt forever. I hope you'd die in that blue shirt. Heather, and then they have to, and then they take up your body and pull you on trial.

So in 898, John the ninth also nullifies the cadaver sonad. It's just like the cool thing to do apparently, conveying two sonats, one in Rome, one in Ravenna, which confirmed the findings of theodore second sonad, ordered the act of the cadaver sonad destroyed, excommunicated seven cardinals who were involved in the cadaver sonad, and prohibited any future trial of a dead person. That's a rule now. Good. That's an important rule. The right of Haviest Corpsis. I'm man, I need to think until just a few minutes ago. I didn't even know the word Sinad, but here's the crazy post script. Pope But here's the crazy post script Pope surgeus the third who was Pope from 904 to 911 who as Bishop had taken part in the cadaverson odd sees everyone getting trouble and as a co-judge

overturned the rulings of theater the second and John the ninth referring for Moses's conviction and had a laudatory epitaph inscribed on the tomb of Steven six, who did the cadavers and not in the first stand to double stamp. He actually. I just, I was thinking about the tomb. So I want a chalkboard tombstone. You know, some people come later to make etchings of it. They just smeared around and feel terrible. I ruined it. I just, I love any payable bull that that also says also tell the future he was a dick tell And that is where the article ends so I assume the standing position of the

Catholic Church is that the dead guy had it coming you can't do it anymore but that one had it coming oh I said you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, what would that sentence be, Eli? If you're the king, you should get to pick your own nickname. Oh, I would be no other pretty good sized. All right. Well, now that you're an expert on all things Catholic, are you ready to face around a questions from our panel?

Ready is Lambert entering Rome Noah All right, I'll go first Eli True or false my favorite erotic film about the cadaver sonad is called Munger A true be false see none of the above It's true. Sorry, it's actually false, not a real movie made it up for this question. This is a bit we do when we make things up. Got it. This was supposed to change things originally. All come apart. All fall on a part. All right. Be like, while it isn't legal to put dead people on trial, what person

if dug up would make for a wonderful TV court drama, if tried posthumously. A, Steve Irwin. It'd be so excited. The Aninacole Smith. Gross. C. Joan Bene Ramsey. Not really dead or D. Jeff Sessions. Uh, definitely. You see, you tried to trick me with the C, but she's not really dead.

If you'd let me do the episode, I'd explain. So I'm going to go with D, Jeff Sessions. That's true. Two points. All right. Well, the cadaverson on may represent the most gruesome act by a Pope, but probably doesn't. It's far from the most fucked up thing a pope has ever done. So which of the following actual historical events represents the most fucked up papal

action? Was it a, selling the papacy to another bishop for two million bucks worth of gold, be inspiring that crappy showtime series, see the crusades or D heading up an international child rape, a ball and refusing to extradite the offenders while fighting to keep condoms out of Africa and gay couples out of each other. It's obvious. It's the showtime series. It was well done.

Eli, I thought I was going to nail you with that last. Oh, I don't know. I always think I'm going to nail you and then I don't. It's sad. Stop getting separate rooms. All right, trying dead people for taking jobs they got elected to is fucking stupid and only a backward ignorant people who just weren't at all. Fucking civilized. Chad would even suggest such nonsense. So who are these fuckwits current living relatives?

A, bogans, B, carneys, C, people who drink agnog, A, sparse, or D, press materials. Okay. or D, Presbyterians. Okay, so bogans is a made up word. So is the last one, Presbyter, Proc Reliance. We're not the food show that's your show. So I'm going to go with B, Carnies. We don't do those foods. No, Ron, our show is the only one that counts. It is C, people drink, and that's fucking wrong. Our show is the only one that counts. It is see people drink and that's fucking disgusting.

That shit is gross. Okay, Tom, well, you stumped Eli first in the script anyway, which means you're gonna be a host for next weekend. For some reason, you still get to pick next week's essay, which is weird. This is a weird system that we have. I'm gonna to choose Heath because he suggested more pinching and the screaming of the lambs has nothing on Eli's

pinching. Similar noises though. Similar noise. Just a volume difference. All right. And I guess now we can toss it over to Cecil's wife Sarah for a last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks Noah. Last week's question was, which host could have swung the Battle of Ajan Kor, and how would they have done it? Our winner is, at Vaidon 13. Heath and Wright would set up a bar between the lines, distract everyone with his mad juggling skills, and get them all too drunk to fight.

And this week's question is, if you could dig anyone up from history to answer for their crimes, who would they be and why? Just Twitter share this post on Facebook with your answer to earn a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you guys. Thanks Sarah. All right. Well, for Eli, Tom Cecil and Heath, I'm no illusions thank you for hanging out with us

today. We'll be back next week and by then, Heath will be an expert on some mouse. You genetics. You genetics. Which I'm down then. If you'd like to indulge in the verbal acrobatics of Eli Heath and myself,

you can do so at gotoffemowies.com. The skeptic right now, this is K-thing Atheist. And if you'd like to enjoy the linguistic pratfalls of Tom and Cecil, you can do so on their show, Cognitive Disnance, of which Eli is now a full partner.

No, he isn't. He just got to write the outro this week and also wrote that part of it. And if you'd like to help me, this show go in, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star every where you can. If you want to get in touch with us,

check out our past episodes, connect with us on social media or check out the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod.com and remember, you should always do a thorough last minute edit when Eli writes shit for you to say. Pope Formosis. You stand accused of transmigrating seas in violation of canon law, of perjury, and of serving as a bishop while actually a layman. How do you plead? I plead not guilty.

Okay, wait, hold on. What? Deacon Eli, I told you just talk normal. Oh, okay, sorry, let's do it again. Let's do it again. Take it back. Take it back. Pope Formosis. How do you plead?

I'm not guilty. Look at me. I'm pope Formosis. How do you plead? I'm not guilty. Look at me. I'm Pope Formosis. I'm off. No, don't, you're doing a voice again. Don't move his head around like that either. Just stand next to him and answer normal. Just answer normal and don't do anything.

That's gonna be weird, because people are gonna wanna see his mouth move. They're gonna think, if I don't touch him, that's making it worse. Okay, I don't like to give notes, but you are sucking the realism right out of this whole production. Can I give you, can I, can we just do it again?

Sure. Roll it back one more time. All right. How do you plead not guilty? I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Can you stop? It's not Bill Clinton. It's Pope for Moat Bill Clinton is still alive.

That doesn't even make sense. Easy. God damn. Okay, one more time. Just do it. Normal. Okay. How do you plead? How the fuck do you think I plead? You fucking asshole.

I plead the fucking fifth, bro. Marky Mark voice. Really? I quit this. No. Oh, come back. Marky Mark is the perfect voice for him. Hey, hey, check this out. Look what I can do to his eye socket.

Oh no, what are you doing? Leave my eye socket alone. Oh no, get the fuck away from me. Ah, I beat up a Chinese guy. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!