Citation Needed - The Conch Rebellion

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

The Conch Republic (/ˈkɒŋk/) is a micronation declared as a sarcastic secession of the city of Key West, Florida, from the United States on April 23, 1982. It has been maintained as a tourism booster for the city. Since then, the term "Conch Republic" has been expanded to refer to "all of the Florida Keys, or, that geographic apportionment of land that falls within the legally defined boundaries of Monroe County, Florida, northward to 'Skeeter's Last Chance Saloon' in Florida City, Dade County, Florida, with Key West as the micronation's capital and all territories north of Key West being referred to as 'The Northern Territories'".[1]

This winter, take your ICON Pass North. North to abundant access, to powder skiing legacy, to independent spirit. North where easy to get to, meets worlds away. Go North to Snow Basin. Now on the Icon Pass. It's time to gather loved ones together for all the holidays' best spread. Lins has great prices on all your favorite Thanksgiving items. From delicious turkey with all the fixings to mashed potatoes and yummy pies, we have

everything you need to create your perfect Thanksgiving dinner. Whether it's cooking the traditional meal, completely store-bought, or a combination of both, your best holiday meal starts here. Learn more and start shopping today at LensGrocery.com. Lens, where delicious begins. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'm going to be leading this effort to distract everyone from the fact

that Eli's not here and aiding me in that effort are three men who have airtight alibis for the evening of July 26th, Heath, Tom and Cecil. Thank you. Fuck yurt is my airtight alibi. I was in a fuck yurt. I saw him in the fuck. You're I'm just I'm going to start live streaming my my life preemptively at this point. Just sure.

Yeah, I really would love it if once in a lifetime things stop happening four times a week. That would be amazing. Wouldn't it? Speaking of which, writing sketches, way harder than Eli makes it. Look, we just need extra help on that front right now. This is a good time to remind you how awesome our patrons are.

I didn't even write that one. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of this show. And with that out of the way, tell us Cecil, what person plays Sting Concept Phenomenon or Ven? What we'll be talking about today Today we're gonna be talking about that conch rebellion

All right, so Tom you took time off of being I fucked by the news long enough to read an essay about this Are you? Ready to tell us what it said. I sure as hell am Noah All right, so what was the conch rebellion? Oh, let me hop in. I'm going to give Tom a break here. So as I sit on my Adirondack chair of Tristes that I own, I stare out on the post-apocalyptic wasteland of human society, now utterly bereft of any semblance of virtue whatsoever, a ball of tumbleweed rolls by. I think about what we once had and a single tear slowly rolls down my cheek.

Speaking of which, the Conf Rebellion is a thing that happened. Awesome. Tom, you're like, you're like halfway to a Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You're like not a full Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You're like a half way. I got a gargle with more ham and then I'd be right there. I think that's how you do it. Yeah. All right.

It was good. It was good. I'm not going to lie. It's good. Not great. So Tom, same question. Yeah. As we near the end, as we, as we near what feels, as we near what feels like the collapse of our democracy and the pending civil war, which will follow it.

Feels like now would be a good time. I got a splinter on my Adirondack chair of Christesse. I would never sit in an Adirondack chair. All the new listeners just shut this thing off. New listeners. I guess that's pretty optimistic. Go ahead, Ty. It does feel like now might be a good time to pause and reflect while there's still a somewhat functioning United States of America.

And what better way to reflect on the collapse of our fragile social collective than to dream of the possibility of leaving. For some of us, we've asked around and no one will take us in. Perhaps that is why some of us, me, dream about taking the best parts of this country and just fucking leaving, of going out for milk and never coming back, of succeeding in order to succeed. Okay, so are we all picturing a Bugs Bunny with a saw type scenario? Because I'm in.

I was! We haven't tried that yet. It might work. Have you been to Key West? You'll likely have noticed the signs at the airport welcome you to the micronation of the conquer public. That is to say if you flew in, which most people don't. In fact, almost all people who enter or leave Key West do so by driving in across US route

one. That is because route one is quite literally the only route in and out of pound. And since Key West pretty much exists entirely off of tourism, being able to get large numbers of people in and out of town, that's a pretty big deal. So when the US border patrol with no prior notice to anyone set up a roadblock across from Skeeter's Last Chance Saloon.

Well, they create themselves a big fucking problem. God, Skeeter's Last Chance Saloon. Key West sounds like it's littered with places called drippy Dick's Ball Shack. You know? I'm sorry. Do you mean it sounds like it's in Florida? Yeah, because yes, it is. And it is.

It is. It's the tip, the unprotected tip of Florida. It's the smegma of our nation, really. Yes, exactly. You see, two years prior to this roadblock, an international crisis was caused when Cuban refugees emigrated en masse with around 125,000 arriving in Florida in just six months. This event, known as the Mariel Boat Lift, ended in October of 1980, but Cuban immigrants

continued to arrive in Florida. And the US Border Patrol used that event as their excuse to set up this roadblock on Route 1. What they were mostly doing was looking for drugs and illegal immigrants, but what they were also mostly doing was strangling the ever-loving shit out of Key West. Anyone attempting to cross the roadblock had to show proof of citizenship and allow their vehicle to be searched. Except Route 1 was not an international crossing.

This was just a domestic American road that if you happened to be on, suddenly was being treated as if it were a border crossing. Okay, obviously the people getting stopped forgot to mention the inalienable right of three dimensional locomotion enshrined in the secret part of the constitution. Fucking idiots. You just say that and they have to let you go. The law. Secret law.

The Border Patrol is the largest police force in the United States. Do you commies want us to have the biggest thing and not fucking use it? What is wrong with you people? Very predictably, people traveling about within the borders of their own country did not often carry their papers around with them just in case authoritarian fascists wanted a hassle. And so this non-border border crossing roadblock was a complete clusterfuck. Delays on Route 1 would back up, sometimes paralyzing traffic for as many as 19 miles

and causing delays that lasted for hours. Orlando's like, y'all need the border patrol for that? Shit. Sissies. A tourist seeking to enjoy perhaps a pina colada, an adulterous affair and getting caught in the rain turns their attentions to more accessible points on the map. Key West began to hemorrhage money.

Just another example of illegal immigrants ruining the American economy. Okay. Also people who want pina coladas deserve whatever they get that's bad. Gross. I'm going to take out a blender now and make you get the fuck out of the bar Everything you drink tastes like it was stirred with a bonfire log It does it's delightful and you just pour it from a bottle into a fucking glass and you're done The bartender here advocating for the loss of his own job It's yeah, it's not the taste. That's the work for Heath.

He's like, no, fuck you. You got a prep pina colada mix. You need like Coco Lopez in a fucking weird batching. These gallons of this gross line for this work. Wait, get out of here. Order a grown up drink. I should be clear here. Route one and the keys were very certainly being used to smuggle refugees and drugs.

Nobody disputes that, but the borders patrol job. It's to really patrol the borders and route one was not a border. The mayor of Key West, Dennis Wardlow, didn't really give two shits about whether Cubans and cocaine were making their way up Route 1. His job was to get tourists back into Key West, getting their sunburns, duking in the ocean and emptying their wallets. Wardlow contacted the local county sheriff, the state representative, and even the governor to find out who ordered the roadblock.

No one knew and no one had the authority to close it. Okay, clearly the deep state. True. That's it, close it. Finally, the mayor contacted the captain of the border patrol directly, and he was told that the illegal domestic roadblock being manned by border control agents outside of any border

was, quote, none of his business, end quote. Well, this did not sit well with Wardlow who replied, don't tell a conk it's none of your business. They call themselves conks. A conk is what residents of the Keys call themselves. And even though the key is fantastic, are known for being laid back and quirky, it turns out they can also be feisty and quirky.

Wardlow consulted with local business leaders and tourism boosters. By the end of the evening's conversations, they were mulling over what to do about the quote, attack on Key West's sovereignty, end quote. Nice. And if you, like me, are wondering- Conquer.

Conquer. Conquer. Conquer. Conquer. Conquer. Conquer. Conquer. Conquer. like you're wondering, that really is the key to it. And if you like me, if you like me or wondering just how sovereign key West could possibly get while you're about to find out. All right. Well, it looks like the border Patrol has pushed Florida Man too far.

We're going to need a flag. What? Why do we need a flag? No one does what we're about to do without a flag, Larry. It just isn't done. Frank, I know you're a huge vexillology nerd, but we don't always need a flag. This is too important for us not to have one. You are gonna need a flag when we started our boating club.

Yeah. So three pale boats rampant. That's okay. You made us a flag when we started that geocaching group and earth proper surmounted by crosshair sable. Right. And now this one look, it's totally called for. It's as you're a con shell proper, radiating 13 rays. What? It's just, your flags are a little bland, man. Yeah.

Yeah, we should add like behind the shell, like a shaker of salt. Yeah, Jimmy Buffet reference. Love it. Yeah. What about like a cheeseburger there with like a palm tree to something like that? There you go Absolutely not we will not create some kind of horish brunch Bloody Mary with everything known to man sticking out the top of it Okay. All right. Love those Jesus calm down

We'll do your shell flag Azure a conch we heard you man. Yeah got it flag. Azure a conk. We heard you man. Yeah, got it. You know that shell position like that. It kind of looks like a. No, let's stop on my joke in a second. Okay. All right. Sorry. I'm Heath at the end. This winter, take your icon pass north. North to abundant access to powder skiing legacy,

to independent spirit. North where easy to get to meets worlds away. Go north to Snow Basin. Now on the Icon Pass. us. We're back when we last left off the feds were poking at a people known for fighting alligators to get their cell phones back while naked on meth. So how did that work out for them, Tom? Judging? Whatever.

Well, the mayor Wardlow, a local attorney that they managed to rouse from his hammock before noon and pilot David Paul Horne flew themselves off to Miami to seek an injunction from a federal judge. The judge denied them that injunction, likely imagining that the small town mayor would limp his way back home. Instead, gathering reporters around him on the courthouse steps, Wardlow announced, quote, tomorrow at noon the Florida Keys will secede from the union, End quote, but just to prove they weren't fucking around. According to some guy who managed to squeeze out a book about a pamphlet sized event, quote, the first act of rebellion occurred before they

had even returned to Key West. Orin, a seasoned pilot buzzed the roadblock on their flight back into the city. That's it. He buzzed it. It doesn't feel very helpful. They're flying along and he was like, okay, I got this. These cops, they're,ed it? That doesn't feel very helpful. They're flying along and he was like, okay, I got this. These cops, they're going to be at the roadblock and I'm going to buzz them. They're going to scurry away like ants when you spit on their hills.

It's going to be awesome. Are they scurrying? No? No? All right, let's do a real thing. We'll do a real thing. We'll do a real thing. Dude, Liffleby, did you pinch your fingers and say you were squishing their head? What the fuck is wrong with you? I was squishing their heads, Dye. What? Once back within the borders of their newly conceived micro-nation, Wardlow anointed around

thirty of his closest friends and associates with new cabinet appointments in their burgeoning government, including appointing a secretary of underwater affairs and a minister of nutrition. That was actually code for killing Castro with a poison. In Florida. Okay. I further declared that as executive of his new nation, he would of course insist on negotiating only with then President Ronald Reagan or absent Reagan's involvement, Vice President Bush.

Bush is like, yeah, no, meet me by this grassy knoll over here. I have a great spot picked out. Now at noon the next day, as promised, Wardlow and his cadre of fresh ministers and secretaries gathered before reporters, flabbergasted federal agents, and throngs of supporters at Clinton Square and there they announced that they had officially seceded. The American flag was lowered from the flagpole in a new flag, the flag of the Conch Republic, which they managed to create and whip up literally overnight, proudly waved overhead. Dude, OK, like thanks for making the flag, but it looks like a vagina flag.

Like I told you to face the open part of the shell away. You could it would clear. Ah, like, no, I'm I like it. You look stupid. You look stupid. Wardlow then read aloud the Conch Public Proclamation of Secession, which read quote, we serve notice to the government in Washington to remove the roadblock or get ready to put up a permanent border to a new and foreign land.

We're not equal. We'll get out. It's as simple as that. Big trouble has started in much smaller places than this. Fucking little China. Some residents of the keys were so fired up by the cause they offered to enlist in and in one instance, create and staff the new nations air force. Some local nut job named Tony who owned a biplane,

offered to fly his plane over the roadblock and bomb the area with conch fritters. Word of the impending bombardment made its way to the Admiral of the local naval fleet who begged Wardlow not to mobilize his formidable appetizer based air force. Okay. I feel like you just let him do it. Right. Just have some buckets. Sure. Throw some dipping sauce in the bottom of those buckets.

This is perfect. Save yourself a stop. I was, I'm picturing this exhausted Navy Admiral going like, all right, so no, but you see how we have to shoot down planes before we see if the things they're dropping on us are dangerous Right you do see that Right load the remoulade cannons One guy's like moving his head. He's like fuck was that a blooming onion? That was huge Jesus

Ward low then properly declared war on the United States He made this declaration in the time honored tradition of the nation of the conquer Republic by breaking a stale loaf of Cuban bread over the head of some Navy guy wearing Navy uniform. Nice. Just so much planning to make that work logistically. Like you're meeting a Navy guy. You got like the bread up your sleeve.

It flies out like jet Li with the sword. When you get close enough, just run away, dive into the bushes. I immediately, the very first skirmish between the United States of America and the conquer public began. Now I do want to offer some military perspective here. In 1982, the United States had somewhere in the neighborhood of 60,000 nuclear weapons at its ready disposal. But the Conch Republic was undeterred and they bravely pelted federal agents, Navy

sailors and Coast Guard personnel with bread and conch fritters. One guy always takes it too far as pouring croutons and the end of a shotgun. Larry, settle down. Calm down, man. The violence lasted around one minute, after which Prime Minister Wardlow immediately surrendered to a nearby naval officer and then promptly demanded a billion dollars in foreign aid compensation for the siege and as war restitution. You may be shocked here to learn that Ronald Reagan did not write a billion dollar check to the island nation of the conch Republic. Yeah, but self-conscious about the signature.

I get it. I get it. Yeah, well, self-conscious about the signature. I get it. I get it. But all the fuss and media attention did lead to the removal of the roadblock on Route 1. So, so far this is Cog Republic 1, America 0. Okay, so I have not read ahead, but here's what I'm going to guess. The Reagan administration starts arming and training the guy who lost to Wardlow in the last mayoral list at this point. Now you might imagine that the story of the Conqueror public would be over, but it actually gets kind of weirder from here and possibly much darker.

Oh my God, they did arm the opposition. The media attention from this was great for tourism. And now that you could actually drive down to the Keys without getting hassled by the man, now was a good time to capitalize on recent events. Souvenir passports were issued by the Concrepublic Secretary General. For prices ranging from $100 to $1200, you could buy a Conqueror Public Passport for either citizens or diplomats, which is funny, until you remember that everything in the world is fake and stupid and made up.

Okay. Also, I propose nothing. Check out patreon.com slash Heathvania Passports. Very reasonable prices, right? Yeah. Super fun. Heathvania's flag is an actual vagina with an arrow pointing to the top and a motto that says never forget right there What do you mean pop

The Cog Republic Secretary General decided to try to use his invented nation's passport to travel and he did successfully come on 30 nations including Russia all this is made up what's all made up that's cool sexy what's that arrow pointing to? I don't get it. Do you have it upside down? He also used his Conquer Public passport, which he had issued it to himself to re-enter the United States on five separate occasions. Wow. Hilarious, except that it is possible, though not confirmed, but possible, that 9-11 hijacker, Mohamed Atta, used a passport issued by the Concord public to enter the U.S.

Now, when I say this is possible, what I mean is that, according to the FBI, definitely someone named Mohamed Atta definitely did do that. Okay, but that's just how FBI people say Muslim guy is like a general term All right, I'm not saying we deserve Jesus Christ Tom you're saying it's possible but but not concrete is what you're saying Inclusive But not concrete is what you're saying. Inconclusive. Come back to me. Come back to me.

I'll be in the third one later. We'll get I have concubine. I just have to get that into the. A piece between the US and the conquer Republic has remained pretty stable overall, but no peace between powerful nations endures forever without moments of stress. In September of 1995, a local radio station broadcast plans by the U.S. Army's 478th Civil Affairs Battalion to conduct a mock assault on an island in the Keys, but the Army wasn't saying which island.

Just that, you know, if you see a bunch of army stuff going on nearby, that's none of your beeswax. Now this threat to the sovereign nation of the proud conqueror public would not go unanswered. Our bread shall rise again. We have the proof that we can defeat them. A call went up around the nation of the Conquer Republic to mobilize to defend their country against the impending invasion. President Clinton was officially notified of the Conquer Republic's intention to oppose

the invasion and the Conquer Republic Navy was called into action and put on high alert. What this meant in practice was that a handful of local fire boats and pleasure craft boated around a bit before ultimately settling on their battle strategy. Men commence naval maneuvers. Wait, what? We brought the floaty bouncy thing. We're going to look stupid. Get out of here with that. I want to bounce back one of their torpedoes, Larry,

and then we're going to look brilliant. And then we all play with that. I mean, we play with it. Oh yeah. Obviously. We're a country. Obviously brought all the hell way down here. And so it was that the second battle of the Conch Republic was waged.

Fishing boats playing Jimmy Buffett and pop belly divorce dads in ugly speed boats attacked the US Navy, pelting naval boats with stale Cuban bread and conch fritters, the traditional and powerful weapons of the proud Conch Republic Armed Forces. The Navy guys had no idea what the hell to do. Obviously, Who would? Obviously this is a bad look. Proportional response to conference. I don't understand how we deal with that. Crab cakes, crab cakes, crab cakes.

Because they're from Maryland. All right. Anyway, obviously it would be a bad look to just shoot up a bunch of white guys in sea rays for throwing baguettes and fried shellfish at the naval boats. Right? They can't do that. So the commander of the naval forces ordered his men to lay down their arms and he surrendered to the conch Republic Navy, Come on. Wielding loaves and fishes.

Man, though, we need a strong second amendment to protect us from the government. Guys are fucking shattered right now. Shattered. Men, don't don't throw any conch fritters until you see the whites in their eyes. Okay, that's that's nothing. Just just go home. Just go. Let's play on the bouncy thing. Let's play on the bouncy thing, that's nothing. Just, just go home. Just go. Let's play on the bouncy thing. Let's play on the bouncy thing.

That's fun. So you as ground forces playing invasion were no more successful. 200 locals stood in a line blocking the army's advance. And again, unwilling to massacre civilians just so they could play war. The army guys backed off. And the next day the United States Army sent a letter apologizing and stating that the military exercises, quote, in no way meant to challenge or impugn the sovereignty of the republic.

No, it took more than 40 years for the dude that ordered the Mylie massacre to apologize guys. I just I thought that was probably worth a mention here too at this point in the program. Later that same year our incompetent government shut down as it does from time to time and this resulted in the closure of the Fort Jefferson at Dry Tortugas National Park since the federal government doesn't keep national parks open during its failure shutdowns. The keys were losing $30,000 a day in lost revenue, a situation which they considered an unacceptable economic threat to their proud nation. Okay.

But it seems like those parks would become part of their new nation. That was very real, right? Like, okay. Did they consider laminating the passports to make it totally official? What happened there? The Concord public called once again on its Air Force, which was just some guy who owned a plane,

and they flew to Fort Jefferson. Once there, they located the park rangers and offered them a check to pay to keep the park open. Since it only costs about $1,600 a day to run the park. Park Rangers proved to be made of tougher stuff than the US Army and US Navy, and they repelled the Conk Invaders, issuing them a citation for trespassing and sending them home. Though charges would later be dropped.

Well, yeah, diplomatic immunity. Okay, that thing definitely turned into a conch fritter snowball fight for a second and it makes me happy. Like I'm certain that's what happened at a certain point. The last success of the valiant conquer public military against the United States occurred in 2006. The US has a policy that undocumented Cuban immigrants are allowed to stay if they make it to American soil.

So it was that 15 Cuban refugees braved to the seas and managed to make it to the abandoned seven-mile bridge. Border Patrol officials decided that that bridge wasn't base and it didn't count as American soil and so the Cubans could be fairly deported. Aconquer public officials knew an opportunity when they heard one and they dispatched a landing party to the seven mile bridge. Once there, the landing party planted dozens of miniature Concord public flags up and down the bridge, declaring that quote, since the federal government decided in its infinite wisdom that the old seven mile bridge is not a territory of the United States, Concord public is very interested. Guys, we have to do the flag.

It doesn't count as dibs unless we put at least 20 vagina. You would have thought one would do the trick. Yeah. The U S government chose not to brave the withering fire of bread and fritters. And they seeded the bridge to the conquer public Anderson, the prime minister of the conquer public and then mayor of Key West declared that the bridge now officially a part of the conquer public quote, could be a model green community and quote, really since 2006, there've been no other

skirmishes between the United States and the undefeated military might of the micro nation of the conquer. Amazing. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? We are a nation held together by the thinnest of threats. Oh God, it's so true. And it's a great reading this article to convince you that that's interesting. So are you ready for the quiz?

I am indeed. All right. I'll start us off here. What is the best bread based weapon? A biscuit on us. It gets better. It gets better from there. B on a pizza. Sorry, sorry. That one's not good either way. It gets better. C, rye Edie's. OK. Or or D. Non-chucks.

They're all good. It's not so funny. It's obvious. You know, the whole goddamn reason for it was for non-chucks. So funny. As I was writing that, I was like, see, so it'd be so much fucking better. This, you know, it's more bread. He knows more weapons. I'm just never I never like Caesar would be so much fucking better this he knows more breads he knows more weapons

I'm just never I never felt so like in Man all right What's the conquer Republic's motto a? key pluribus unum be E shellfish not selfish see if at first you don't secede or D Live Fritter die oh fish. See if at first you don't secede or D live, fritter, die. Oh, oh, it's live, fritter, die.

Absolutely. 100%. Okay, Tom, got one for you too. Which of the following is the best claim to fame about the Florida keys that conch Republicans cling to so they can pretend to be part of history and culture. A, Ernest Hemingway lived there for a while, but he only stayed because he was literally too drunk to leave for about 10 straight years. Whoa. B, Hemingway had a polydactyl cat named Snow White with six toes.

And now the house he lived in is occupied by about 60 polydactyl cats descended from Snow White. That's too many cats. Every April, the Florida Keys has a big celebration about their fake independence. The Florida Keys has a big celebration about their fake independence and the festivities include performances of Conch Republic, the musical. That's a real thing that exists. They perform it during their 10 day festival every April. So just like imagine if Tom had been singing this whole time and dancing around to reenact

all the action. It's that they have that or D. Key lime pie. It's it's OK. It's OK. Oh, you live by it is. Fuck you. It's OK. Yeah, I can't. It's not even limes from.

I guess. Oh, fucking. I import their limes from like Mexico. Best of the pie say all pies are amazing and that's the best the pie I've never felt closer to you. You are never closer to you The show is over I quit the fucking job. I'm not doing the outro for you I have to declare you the winner now. I'm not doing it. I fucking strong. Hey, you're the winner Thank you. I Bet Cecil could name

least one I think a lot of different Definitely a schism in this podcast right now there need only be one I'm not with you on the pina colada, but I am with you on the key lime pie Fucking don't stand. It's fine. It's fine. If there's nothing else on the menu I haven't had a good enough like I buy there's a million other things. I would order over a key lime fucking routinely It's just like lime flavored Dan and yogurt, it's like gogurt, and then there's a man on the fucking get out of here. It's just like lime flavored Dan and yogurt

It's like go Gert, and then there's a pie crust is green No good key life is green woof woof Just never had good Alright alright well bite Tom you're next or whatever I don't know I just did an essay I'm gonna write about the goddamn glorious history of the key line by God there you go okay no is next all right I'm gonna do all right well for Cecil Heath Tom and usually Eli I'm Noah thank you for hanging out with us today we'll be back next week and by then I'll be an expert on so no I will not I will be I am gonna be an expert Cecil will be an expert on something else Cecil you're up next between now and then cuz you you can listen to us talk ship season liberally or dad old Lee or Or movie god-awfully check the show notes for links for our other shit

And if you'd like to help keep this show going you can win per episode donation at patreon.com Citation pod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can and if you'd like to get in touch with us check out past episodes Connect with us on social media or check out the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod Eli's favorite pie is three musketeers episodes, connect with us on social media or check out the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.com. Eli's favorite pie is three musketeers. He would have made it even worse. It's time to gather loved ones together for all the holidays best spread. Linz has great prices on all your favorite Thanksgiving items from delicious turkey with all the fixings to mashed potatoes and yummy pies. We have everything you need to create your perfect Thanksgiving dinner. Whether it's cooking the traditional meal

completely store-bought or a combination of both your best holiday meal starts here. Learn more and start shopping today at LensGrocery.com. Lens. Where