Club Random with Bill Maher - Bert Kreischer | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Bill Maher and Bert Kreischer randomly riff on Bert’s favorite joke, how Bert found the end of his Russian mafia stand up bit, Bill’s love of Bad Santa, why Bert took his daughter out of a woke L.A. school, Bert’s love of D.C. cab, why Bert doesn’t follow politics and Bill’s warning about that, whether Jesus existed, and how Bert ran a marathon after partying the night before. 

My wife is like obsessed with you. Oh, I know. She calls me all the, oh, wait, that's the wrong way to start and relate to it. No, I, first of all, I'm so thrilled to have you at a bar because I know you know your way around at a bar. I mean, I, I already have a drink. Yeah, I just pointed. I'm waiting to sip it for you. I was going to have this, you know, drink much, right?

You know, sadly, I do not. That's the right way to do it. But, you know, it's, yeah, absolutely. It's strictly a function of like, you just can't have everything in life, and you can't be 66 and drink a lot. It's just you not look 66. Well, that's, I thank you.

It's part of the reason. You just can't. Yeah. And so, you know, and, you know, I smoked for 20 years, that was stupid when I stopped. You're right. Yeah. When I stopped doing that, I was like,

everything that I thought I needed it for, I didn't need it for. Now, it's not the same with liquor exactly, because cigarettes do nothing for you. They don't make you high. It's not a hydro. It's a stupid addiction, because at least liquor does something for you. Yeah, I used to tobacco. That's so stupid. That was the funnest. Yeah. I miss it

so much. Really? I miss smoking. I smoke too. I miss it. The idea of like having something to look forward to, like a treat where you go, ooh, I can have a cigarette. Why would that be a treat to chew tobacco? I don't get. Oh my god. Why do I go up in the South? So that's the, like you've ever been on the road when, like back when you do the road road, and you'd get done radio, and you'd get in the elevator to go to your room, and you go, Oh, I haven't jacked off here today.

I'm like, oh, I guess I gotta treat you come on my way. I need to be doing radio, too, to be availing myself of this treat. I just, I was, there was a comic, I think his name was Chris Rush, something like that. He was, I had one album, he listened to his kids. I think it was him. It might have been somebody else. And he had this bit about, you know, if you, people who say, when you masturbate, you kill,

you know, so many sperm. And I was like, I was the Ickman of my block. I remember it was, and I feel like if there is a hell for a killing's berm, I mean, I jerked off like, I mean, 20s, tens. Does it ever taper off? Yes, but way later than I thought. Really. I mean, way later it's tonight's broad.

And certainly not completely. Yeah. But yes, oh, absolutely. Oh, hi. There was... I thought I'd be done by now. Like, when I was a kid, I was like, it'll be out of my system when I'm turning 50, right? There was decades when I couldn't sleep before I came. Yeah. Usually jerking off sometimes sex.

Sometimes both. Couldn't get out of bed. Certainly in my 20s, I seem to remember always waking up jerking off, going back to sleep. This is the life of a comedian. And then waking up for good. But like, oh, I'm up.

I could jerk off. Oh, that now I'm back to sleep. You're picking off next to me sleep. So that was at least, you know, and then of course, I, you know, up late and as you had to get up early for some reason. So you've taken that point, you got to jerk off before that. I mean, you know, it adds up.

Any one jerk off moment stand out to you. Well, you know, Walter, I've got a couple where I like gave up. I, this is Edwin Orboro. And we're here talking with, uh, no, uh, any jerk is. Do you ever remember like, do you ever, do you ever get caught? No. Cod.

Like walked in on, no. Was David Telljug, my mom walked in on me. I was like, help my I'm a little girl. David tells you, my mom walked in to me. I was like, help, my hand in dick or fighting. I'm sorry. My other hands distracting the ball. My balls the way I like. There was another comedian. Oh, was this the miss of time?

This may have been Ed Bluestone. No, no, I think it was like it was Bob Shaw. I don't know. It could have been Al Jolston. I don't remember this one, but this is a great joke. He said, I used to jerk off into a tissue, right? And then fall asleep and the tissue would stick to the end of my dick.

And when I woke up, I'd have a heart on it. It looked like my dick was surrendering. And that great. Yeah. What do great. Great. Yeah. What do we need material for? We can just quote other people. Dude, my favorite thing in the world is when someone tells you, like, you've heard the

Goverkoffer joke of the gorilla and the lion. Probably. What is it? Where the lion's drinking and water? Oh, pretend I'm, act like I'm vuking you. No, no, no, no, drinking water out of the stream and the gorilla sees his tail up. So he comes up behind him and gives him the old liberati real quick, right?

Lion pops up and starts chasing him and these chasing him through the woods and the gorilla runs up on a big camp. So we real quick, puts on like a camp, like a safari hat, grabs the New York Times and sits by the campfire. The lion comes running in and he goes, hey, have you seen a gorilla run through here?

The gorilla goes, you mean the one that fucked that lion in the ass? And he goes, it's in the papers. I love when you get, like, especially when comics, because comics will put their spin vibes. I was my favorite thing when I got into comedy, was, like, discovering Mitch Headberg or a tell or those guys through other via other comics. So, like, you ever do the Mitch Headberg joke?

No. It was my favorite. So, did you ever hear this one about the animal kingdom? There's a lion fucking zebra. He goes, oh my God, it's my wife. I like I'm killing you. Oh, my God. I'm killing you.

Oh, my God. Who's the one? So where did, go ahead, go ahead. Actually, where did you apply your trade when you started? Where did you hone your craft? Where were you bad? New York. Oh, New York.

I did stand up. I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine as the number one party animal in the country when I was in college. And I tried to stand up once in Tallahassee. And then I'm good. I gotta work tonight. I mean, I actually brought weed too.

I watched. Yeah. I know brought weed too. I watched. Yeah, I know, right? Your joints look pretty fucking thick. Well, thanks, man. The, my joints are not quite as thick. They're tiny. They're like little dog walkers. Yeah, why?

Take the light. Oh, I'll see you doing one more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just not one of your fucking hawkers. Why, because you're thinking it'll get you too high to work? When I get too high. Define too high to work. I think in paragraph form, but I can't get it out.

Like I have a paragraph idea and I go, oh no, this is so brilliant. And then I can't get the words to get the paragraph out. Oh wow. Just thinking in paragraphs at all is kind of impressive. Sometimes it's nice to work high or drunk for me, because I fuck up my act, and I'm fucking up my act. I'm forced to write in the moment,

and it gets, it'll help me take a boring joke and make it better. It sounds like the beginning of the Maritala More show. What was that? You know, make it thick and something day, and make it better, make a boring joke. Yeah, I had a joke about my daughter asking me about time travel, and I had another joke

about her keeping her deodorant in her refrigerator. And I got drunk on stage one night, and I flipped off to one accident, and then I had to fix it, and then fixing it, I turned it into one bit, where I had the tag, and the tag was, I told you I was in, you know, someone time traveled to where I told you I was in line,

now listen to your dad's gonna die, we can save his life, I need you to put your daughter in refrigerator. And there's a great tag to the other one, and I was like, I would never, I needed to get drunk and kind of get confused on stage. Yeah, so you're a tinker. Yeah. You like to, yeah, me too.

I love the feeling. I love the feeling. So I decided to tell a lot, pretty much to tell stories. I know. And so I love the feeling of finding the end of a story. Finding, fucking up a little bit in the beginning and then saying something that doesn't matter or saying something differently and then at the end going a story. Finding, fucking up a little bit in the beginning and then saying something that doesn't matter or saying something differently

and then at the end going, oh shit, I can pay that off and now I have an end of the story. This is fucking amazing. Well, I mean, and look, endings is how you separate the men from the menches in show business. Maybe in every other discipline in a life too, butches in show business. Yeah. Maybe in every other discipline in a life too, but definitely in show business. Everybody has a great idea, or maybe a hundred,

maybe a whole notebook full of great ideas for a movie. But do you have the ending? Yeah. Can you stick the landing on it? Because lots of movies could greenlit and made, and they still haven't figured that part out. Yeah. That's what makes it a satisfying experience or not.

I had many ideas back. I mean, this is what I'm thinking when you're younger, you're like, I don't want to do everything, I'm going to direct movies. I'm going to say, be thankful you could do a few things in show business that people like get in a room. Don't be greedy. I'm going to record a jazz album. No, you're not. And you don't you know don't be greedy yeah I'm going to record a jazz album no you're not

and you shouldn't and I shouldn't even direct a movie you know I mean I don't it okay but like you so you know I remember I did have I have I could tell you right now some very great ideas I had for a movie but I couldn't think of the ending. And that's why I'm not in the movies. It's a, I have a story that's very popular about me getting involved with Russia Mafia. And I thought the ending was, I thought the ending was tonight you party with us, you know, I thought that was the ending.

And it just never, the audience tells you like, that's not it, that's not it. And then one night, Drunken Columbus, I Say this inconsequential line, but it's second I said it. I went Fuck that pitch. This is Russia. I just needed to get out of it quickly because I was taking too long as soon as I said it I went and it's like the greatest feeling. I don't know It must be what it is fishermen when they hook a fish or you know when tiger hits it clean or whatever Yeah, exactly except we don't have to kill something. Yeah, I don't like a fish, but I mean, I'm eating fish

so I'm not being a hypocrite about it. Somebody got that fucking fish. But yes, exactly. I mean, it's orgasmic in a way that even an orgasm, it's a little more ordinary because like, you know, even the lion and the zebra and the Aper having orgasms, but they can't do this. Yeah, you know, I mean it's, but I assume that lots of people in there, whatever they do

for a living, there's their version of that. You know, there's- Oh, I don't think so. No. I don't think my dad has it. He's a lawyer. No. I don't think. No. There's something my dad has it. He's a lawyer. No, I don't think.

No. Yeah, maybe you're right. I mean, I feel like we're always saying we're lucky. I mean, people in job business are always patting themselves on the back, giving themselves awards, talking about how much they affect the world. I dismiss 99% of this shit. I mean, I really do. I think art does not affect life that much.

It's great that it's some, we need something to relieve our misery. And just laughing is, you know, I could make the case that that's actually a purer form of medicine. But of course, music is primal. And I mean, I would hate to live without music. But it doesn't solve world problems. No. Like hippies think it does. Like John Lennon definitely thought it was going to solve. It's not the only one. I mean, I love Bono, but I think he thinks that. I mean, it's just part of it.

I find it to be a little egotistical. It's like, yes, what we do is important and changes the world. It really doesn't, because I think it would have done it by now if it, you know, if it could have solved World Hunger or whatever. I mean, I mean, live aid, they did, I'm sure, raise money and get some food. And I mean, it's something like we wouldn't have raised money anyway. But yes, okay, you can make your contribution.

But laughing, like when I've watched something before I go to sleep, it's like, if I can get a laugh. Like a real, real laugh. When was the last good laugh you had? Last night, bad Santa too. Oh, I haven't seen it. I haven't seen bad Santa one. What an asshole.

Really? I haven't seen bad Santa. No. What a dick. I haven't seen bad Santa. Why, you a dick. I haven't seen bad Santa. Why? You would love it. It's right.

I just haven't. There's a lot of things. I never saw the sopranos. It never saw the sopranos. It's so consumable today. Both of them. Really? Well, I mean, he's a drunk who's bad.

You know, he's a sad, and the first one, he's a department store of Santa. It's hysterical, you know, good with kids. As inappropriate as you could, what do you drink? With the killer. Oh, okay. You have what you want. Yeah, they put it in here for me. What the fuck is that shit?

I have no idea. This is the key lime dude, key lime is my favorite. It's got a little bit of a duplicated fat. No, you guys bought it for me. Oh, yeah. You guys are both, you know, I'm by the way, it's all in my fanny pack. I brought it all in my fanny pack.

Oh, okay, but you wanted it. Well, I wanted it. Kassamy goes says, I just switched over to Kila and I fucking love it. Yeah, I switched to Kila a while ago only because I thought it might be slightly cleaner. I think it's a little cleaner. And I noticed that I have a whoop and my recoveries are through the roof. Like my recovery when I sleep, they are in the green now and it never was that. I think the sugar is from vodka would keep me awake at night, wake me up.

Well, we just talking about hardest we ever not bad Santa. Oh, yeah, very good. So, yeah, I mean, he's a drunk and there's a, well, midget, I'm just going to say it because because after movie is making fun of, I mean, it's so politically incorrect. Yeah. And the midget is playing fun of, I mean, it's so politically incorrect. Yeah. And the midget is playing the elf, you know. So it's a black guy as a midget

and Billy Bob Thornton is this drunk and red neck. And it's just, it's a scream. I'm gonna see it. And it is, of course, a kid involved and then the second one, Kathy Bates is the mother. That's even more foul and wrong. It's just wrong. It's kind of stuff that makes comedians especially laugh because, you know, it's that old WC field client about to make a regular person laugh, you just have to dress as an old woman

and fold down a manhole cover. But to make a comedian laugh, it has to really be an old woman. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's kind of like that. really be an old woman. Yeah. You know, yeah. And that's kind of like that. Yeah.

I mean, this is the, it's so wrong. And you know that so many people would object to this movie. But that's why it's funny. And yeah. We did a movie in Serbia of, you know, about a year ago for three months. And I'm listening, listening to Rogan on, you know, going, trying to go to sleep. So, first day before shooting, first day before shooting. And Rogan's like, man, no one makes movies that go fucking hard. Like, go hard.

Like, really, like, if you're making a comedy, it's gotta, you gotta take big swings. And I fucking woke up in a panic. And I was like, our first scene is a big swing. And I was like, I fucking started texting the producers. I was like, we need to rewrite it. We need to make it better. We need to, if we're gonna make a movie,

if you're gonna see a movie where your favorite comedian is in it, you want him to punch you in the dick that first scene. And so we, The whole thing. Oh yeah, we wrote a lot of it, but we wrote that first scene. So is this out yet?

No, well, no. Oh, so, but you It's about me and Russia and we're kind of waiting what for this few crazy. You're happy with the way it came out. Did you feel like you finally did get the big swing? Yeah, I feel like I feel like it's the it's funny it's I never want to act. I had no interest in acting. I thought it was I really thought it was like silly that you would do it. It is. That someone would tell

you what to say and then you say it and it's easy. Yeah, it's not like rocket science. And then and then having done it, I fucking loved it. It's so much fun making that movie that I literally was like, put me in a, I don't want to be cast in a movie. I have that weird thing I think it's a comic, because I don't want to be put in a trailer and told him when to come into set. I want to make a movie.

Like I want to make the movie and be a part of it and sit in the tent and watch takes and then give notes and like that's the fun part, but I fucking. Sounds like you want a director movie. No, I don't want to direct. the movie and be a part of it and sit in a tent and watch takes and then give notes and like that's the fun part but I thought it sounds like you want a director movie. No I don't want a director. I just want to be a producer. Oh, I want to be the guy who can fall asleep in a in a couch in the tent and wake up and be like no, no, no, but the director is doing to make so all the decisions. He's directing. I worked with the student Peter Tensil watching him direct he was it was so Everything was so micro. He had every better me

Yeah, and not you're just like paid such attention to detail. I don't have that brain. I mean even a bad movie takes A hell of a lot of work and a hell of a lot of attention to detail and and and a lot of people worked their hardest to even come up with bad, that it just looks like a movie. It may not be great, but it follows this continuity, that movie that,

who's this guy, to Stone to think of his name, but he made a movie about a guy who got financing and he was like a nut. Oh, the the escape artist? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. James Franco. Yeah. James Franco. Real story. Yeah. And it just shows what a movie would like look like if you were just this moron who wasn't, you know, thought he was making a movie, but... Yeah. So, you know, if you're gonna make one, yeah. And you're right about directing.

You can't sit on the couch. No, no, that's... That is a... Only do the movie and sleep thing. Dude, I... There's no life. Are you right? I walked away from that, and I said to myself, I'll never shit on another

movie. Like I would just, me and Todd would podcast with Tom Sigerah, and we would talk reckless about movie stars and fucking movies we saw and just try and make it so fun. And then you make a movie and you're like, I'll never do that again. The amount of work that goes into making a movie and knowing that like, there's people that like commit, you know, four months of their lives to a movie and knowing that like, there's people that like commit you know, four months of their lives to this movie and I never make a fun of another movie.

Right. Good. Yeah, I mean, look, I can make one of a lot of movies because a lot of movies are shit. I can make fun of people stand up special very easily. Yes. I mean, there's a lot of times I invested, even if it's the first half hour before I give up on it. I'm like, okay, fine, you robbed me of a half hour of my life.

That could have been entertaining in some way, and it was just fucking awful. Yeah. But what am I gonna do? I went to saw Rocky Orr at picture when I was a kid, and I find this to be so funny and no one ever fucking sees the comedy in this. We were in Tampa, and I went with a bunch bunch of dudes and they said it's such a cool experience

and we went into a bad neighborhood movie theater. So it was like 50 black kids sitting up front. So when the guys came up front to start acting, the black kids just started heckling the Rocky Horror picture show actor actors. But we're not saying we're black kids is necessarily a bad place, right? Let's get you not canceled. Okay, yeah, but it was, where we went was. I was saying it was a rough neighborhood.

It was a rough neighborhood, yeah. Yeah, it was a rough neighborhood, whatever, whatever. I don't know how to talk anymore. I just say the thing that's real. Okay. Right, by the way, you're the fucking reason for that. You, I've been in Finland for years, for too long. You've said shit that is so real that I go,

that I go that everyone, dude, I can't even, like, I would go off on a tangent for the amount of times that my wife goes, hey, I need you to watch this. It's a clip of you interviewing fucking, just everyone. It's, you're very prolific and you're very dialed into, you know, there was a period where me and my wife

thought we were losing our minds as Democrats in LA. Right. Because all of a sudden we were like, we didn't feel connected to the, we would go to these school functions and the way people were talking was so crazy. So crazy that we were like, are we not, we went to a thing for Georgia

to go to high school and they said, things like school seems pretty good. And then they're like, is it true you make the boys sit on the floor and the girls can stand on chairs and yell at them and oppress them and they're like, yes, that is true. And I was like, what the fuck?

And then like, are you, is it true that you have the white kids sitting on the floor? And people of color yell insults to them, and they go, we do, it's to teach them. And so you see parents nodding like, that's really smart. And I'm just sitting there with the angle and, well, I'm not sending my kid here.

No, I have no fucking way. Bart, I can tell you how many times I've heard a version of this story from parents. Apparently, I am the whisperer of the people tell there because I guess they've seen me talk on TV. And, you know, I do have a common theme that, like you said, a liberal in LA and you feel like some sort of an outsider because it's, it's interesting to be liberal and woke. And this kind of stuff that we, you know, woke,

I have no problem with the term when it used to just mean alert to injustice when it became about this nonsense that you're talking about now. And for people who think, oh, you know, they exaggerate, well, it's not everywhere, nothing is everywhere, there's a thousand, a thousand different schools who do things differently. But for people who want to pretend

that this kind of nonsense isn't going on, that's equally with your head up your ass. You're not seeing what's really, and you're right. And the parents who not along. And this is something else I've heard from a lot of parents who are, again, I'm the confessor here. And they're telling me about what goes on in their schools and how they, yes, I need to pull them out or just have to like, you know, one was about like my kid came home and said the teacher says, we can't do Thanksgiving. You're not supposed to do Thanksgiving because of what we did to the end.

And, and, you know, the mother just had to say, we're doing fucking Thanksgiving. Okay. This is just insane. And but there is something going on with sort of high income, white liberal people. This sort of like racial self-loathing that is not helping any real problem. It's not giving any black people anything

that society owes them or improves lives. It's just about, I mean, what is this with standing on chairs and yelling at children? They did, they did for Christmas parade, the Christmas special, the kids, I don't think Aloe was in like fourth grade, third grade. Me and my friends, Sandy had eaten edibles than I before, right?

And we'd all had been over to her house, her house had made a big dinner, we eat edibles than I before, and we wake up, and I first thing I get from Sandy is, are you still high? And I said I am. And she says, we have this Christmas fucking thing we have to go to. So I tell the end, I go, I maybe shouldn And she says, we have this Christmas fucking thing we have to go to.

So I tell the aunt, I go, I maybe shouldn't go on a little high. She was, hey, have a coffee, you'll wake up, we'll see you in there. So me and Sandy sit next to each other in the auditorium. I now have a coffee in me, but I'm still very high. Sandy's still very high. She's 100 pounds less than me. We have the same amount of headables. The kids get up and they sing the 12 nights of Christmas on the first night of

christmas. No, no, no, no, no, what's the mocking bird? You know, the one mocking bird. Parterge and a parrot parrot a parterge and a pear tree. Yeah, whatever. Taylor song. So Trigid a pear tree. Yeah. So they sing that song, but to make it woke, they change it a Jewish shit, right? They go, we'll sing the version of the Christian one, but we're gonna put Jewish stuff inside there. Why does that make it more woke?

But the person who wrote it was unfamiliar with Jewish belonging and just named things in a deli. And we were crying. I was, and I'm still high. I'm sobbing laughing of black and white. Oh, and just name things in a deli. And we were crying. I was, and I'm still high. I'm sobbing laughing of black and white cookie, of three months, the ball soups.

I mean, it was just how to like a really aggressive order from a fucking, and I was crying laughing. This is what I always say, my message to liberals, attention hole food shoppers. When you do something that reads exactly like an onion headline, yeah, stop. I mean, that's a, it's a comedy. They don't, they're doing comedy. They have reached the love. I can't like parody that. The black and white cookie, the multiple, if I was doing a bit about what you just said,

you were saying, that's what I would write. We had, we had this was... I'd add Dredel. That's not that. They had no Dredel. There were no Dredels in there. They should have been. They, we had a, we had a, and maybe an island was in fourth grade. They had a, the first dance they were teaching,

all the kids of the Fox trot, right? So they taught all the kids the fox trot and all the parents are gonna Sitting on the toilet watching kids do the fox trot on stage big round of applause Milk and cookies after so Right before it starts they stop everything I mean we need a group meeting with the parents teacher comes out says I need to apologize I assumed everyone's gender. And I, and I, they're in fourth grade. And I, I, I set them up, boy, girl, boy, girl.

And I now know that that is, there's a step. And now, so clearly some parents will lift them up, right? So, but now they have all the parents around. And they're going, so we're, we're not gonna have a dance today. We're just gonna let them dance free dance on stage and it's not gonna be the Fox Trap what they learned

because we can't, we set them up, but I need to know that everyone's okay if they just do that and not the Fox Trap. Now I get to listen to parents, grandstand their politics, like, you know, actually we're very big in the LBGTQ positive, whatever community. And I just need you to know that as an ally,

that I thank you, and then they get to me. They go, Christchurch, are you cool with that? And I go, listen. I think she's in fourth grade. Right. I don't care if she dances with a boy or a girl, just as long as it's white and the fuck. Ah!

They go, holy, and my wife is out. He's comedian, he's comedian, he's comedian. That takes both. Oh, I did so much shit at this school was, it's fun to be put into it like a group of people that don't know you don't. I want to do that thing like in a beautiful line when they put the pen. Remember that? Or he puts the pen down to make sure it's real?

No, because he's like giving him props for like figuring out the great theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm saying just for that, saying that in that room, I'm giving you the pen. Oh, that's pretty awesome. Because I'm sure that they've talked about that ever since. Oh, it was a comedian or not.

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your vision a reality. Fast. Visit SignalWire.com slash random, to sign up for a free account and get an additional 5,000 video minutes for My oldest corner call is next year. And I really miss those times where you're forced into situations you don't want to be in. Right. And forced to, and, and peer pressure to be, to think the group think, think like we all think. And yes, this is, you know, you said your wife and I watch, I guess, real time and see we talking about this. And yeah, I hear it a lot. Like there, there is just this oppressive atmosphere of group thing and it's in most of other TV shows. And people are like, is it me? Am I nuts? And yeah, that's, I love it when people talk to me like this because it's like, no, you're

not nuts and I'm not nuts. Yeah, the world is going a little nuts. I watched what's her name, Barbara Streisand. Beth Middler tweeted out. Yes. And then Mark Hamill's in my movie. Mark Hamill plays my dad in the movie. Well, that's a good get. And yeah, and then I see him like her tweet.

And then I immediately was like, oh, mother, more important marks, the sweetest guy in the world. He just doesn't say anything wrong with the statement, like women usually have vaginas. There is nothing wrong with that statement. It's like, again, it's like, it's so through the looking glass, so much of this stuff.

You know, I'm kind of, I mean, I don't mean this like, I'm kind of stupid and like, I don't really pay attention to politics very much. I don't know very much. I don't really care about a lot of issues like the Trans stuff. I don't like I go sure whatever like I like I'm we're fans of umbrella academy and if Elliott page wants to be Elliott page. I got you back. I sure are right. I think you look like a better dude than me to be honest with you and so and and so I got you back. I just don't think about

it that like trans I don't I think about Eskimo's more than I think about Trans Beating. No, I'm sure you have to. That's the thing. It's like their attitude way that far out there on that left fringe, whatever that is, that's going on there. Their attitude is like, it's not just, if you're liberal, first of all, I think they should begin with, if you're a conservative, you're not the enemy. Yeah. You're just somebody I disagree with, but also being liberal is not

enough for them. Their policy is you have to turn your life over to this. And it's like, no, I know exactly who I am. I know who raised me. I know what they taught me. I know how I've treated people. I know how I think. I know how I would act in any situation with people of color and minority. I have no problem with me. I know me. Right? I don't need to have this hectoring voice like you're not doing enough. I'm doing all I can. What most of us are doing. If you're asking me, am I going to turn my life over to you for this? I'm not. I can't. And a lot of people can't. That has to be enough. And that goes for a lot of these sexual, racial issues. And know, I've said this before in the air, people who are, you know, struggling white people, they don't like to hear the word privilege,

because they don't feel privileged. My wife's family. My wife's family is, is, I'm like, my wife's dad's going through a a-fib thing with his heart. I mean, I don't think my father and my father will all over. See this? But he's not a very educated man. Not a very learned man. Doesn't read a lot of books. Oh, I take that as a challenge.

You're gonna make him my biggest fan. This motherfucker. He's gonna be watching everything I do. I mean, when he talked about his heart situation, he's like, no, when Iup take a quarter-range grip. I turn out to screw, you know how I do, baby? I'm talking to my wife. He's like, and that's my, yeah, I'm red.

No, I got a better one. I'm always a, and, but I'm watching him go through the medical, like, through the hospital system. And I know how kind of fuck that is. Quote unquote for people of color or women sometimes, my bodies, and I go, it also happens to just my, my wife's dad, like a, I mean, redneck, for all intents and purposes.

The town is 1200 people, that just isn't, like, it's, it's, I look, I went to get a tooth filling thing and the guy goes, hey man, we're gonna have to apply your molars and break your jaw. And I was like, what the fuck? And he's like, yes, it happens. And I was like, I'm definitely getting a second opinion. But that, I said I'm getting a second opinion

because I had the money to afford whatever the fuck. Of course. And so like, I have the money. I have, I call my agent. I said, I need a good, the good dentist here. We're called everyone. And then we go to a dentist. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Some people view are a person that trusts a system, maybe a Canadian or like like you know my wife's dad He just goes he's been through like nine tests now on his heart trying to figure it out

He just trusts a system as opposed to me. I go fuck that my privilege will get me the best doctor to figure it out I am even more out on the spectrum than that probably I am a true medical skeptic Which doesn't mean I'm a crazy person. No, some people think that, but I think I'm much more sane than a lot of the things, because I truly believe what people do, because mortality and sickness health is the scariest issue there is. So, they just want to believe that there is a priesthood in white coats who have all the answers. And I have spent an enormous amount of time on my show

and stand up everywhere, anyone who will listen, preaching the idea that no, they're mostly not trying to fuck it up, although there is corruption also, there absolutely is. But they just don't know a hell of a lot. That's why the phrase second opinion is here because it's an opinion and one isn't good enough. They're all always guessing. So of course, when somebody says to you, we have to break your jaw for a bad tooth. It's like, I can only imagine the amount of people, because they don't estimate this at all, who die every year, because of medical decisions that in the present are bad decisions and another, probably millions

when we find out in 50 years things that we're doing now. Oh, so I got hit in the mouth of the baseball bat when I was 11, right? And I was born without a name on my teeth. Explains a lot. I'm a my dad drank a lot. So, no. So, but what they did to my teeth, you know,

40, 35, 39 years ago is, I mean, Stone Age shit compared to what they do to teeth now. Like they would never do to teeth today what they did back then. Back then, they shave your tooth into a post and they put a cap on it. Oh, it's, if my real teeth are basically just little sticks of teeth to put a cap on, because that's what they did back in 1984, whatever. I had no, no McCain when they sold my cavities in 1964. So, are we doing, are we, are we big dickin' these other

old medical hits? How's that? Yes, no Nova came. God damn it. Where did you grow up? No jersey. Oh, okay. But that's, my father was cheap and he went to a,

his friend from the army was a dentist. And he lived right down the block. I remember riding there on my bicycle in the freezing cold. Something they never would let you do today. Yeah. Ride your bike to a place alone as an eight-year-old. Yeah.

That's who we were. People were just rugged. I remember rugged. You got the privilege to leave the neighborhood on our bikes. Oh, yeah, go anywhere. And once the... It wasn't like, you can go down to the end of the box. It was like, no, leave the neighborhood,

and then you could go five miles out. I used to come home from school every day, would fly up the stairs to my room, which was smaller than this bar, but it was mine. Yeah. Just this space was about the size. Get into my play clothes, fly out the door. My mother never once said, where are you going?

Where am I going? I'm doing kids shit. That's where I'm going. What the fuck is it to you? What do you do between three and six? I don't know, I don't care either. I'll see you at dinner where we'll talk for five minutes. And then I'll fly out of that room.

And you know, what? The moments were so important. Why should you find me? The moment we were, is that you had weird opportunities with older kids, weird situations where like, but I don't think my girls have that. I don't, like I grew up in Florida, so like you got into the lake or you got into a swamp

and they'd be like, hey man, shoot that frog or something with a BB gun. A swamp. Like yeah. You literally grew up around a swamp? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We grew up, we had a little lake and then in the middle of our subdivision, there was like a swamp where my buddies

is this what we come to have known as swamp people? Is that, I mean, that's what we got there. I grew up, I grew up with some fucking red necks. I remember the first day when we was so, the neighborhood. How is this swamp effect your view of life? I think it was a great place to hide. In the swamp?

It wasn't a swamp as you would imagine. It's just an area that was lower water level line. And but not deep enough to be a lake. And tons of trees. Creatures that lived in there. Oh, fuck yeah. Well, mocks and gators. Monsters, I understand monsters

well we when we moved in the first day we moved in this neighborhood shout out to Faircloth States in Tampa the older boys from the other neighborhood came over to ours and we were all playing it someone's house and they were like and they're you up front you are and they're like hey man you got to the count of 10 we're gonna hunt ya. I like you. I don't want to be hunted. Like hunger games?

Yeah. And they just went 10, 9, 8, and then we, me and this dude, hid in a house that was being built, we hid in the chimney until sunset, where we climbed up the chimney and Cisr-Fucked each other, facing each other, listening to these kids, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, go back to scissors fuck. Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, I missed something in this story.

So you're young, you're gay? No, no, no, we climbed up a chimney, right back, feet on the wall, back, feet on the wall, and then we sat me in this kid, his feet on my side, on my feet on his side, facing each other inside the chimney. Why was that necessary? To hide in, as we go to hiding spots. No, to like, be rubbing your dick suddenly.

Oh, no, no, we were literally fucking each other. We were just, that's the way we were standing. But why was that necessary in this situation? I don't know, it's really what's going on. Big, it's that there was no necessity. I'm gonna have to read something into this person, May change your career and your marriage, certainly the direction of this show.

Yeah, I would love that. I have many stars about childhood, but they don't include that. And then we got into the tree fort and I had my fist up his ass and wait, but we're playing Catwais in Indians. It wasn't the actual, I was just trying to show you the art. I knew you'd understand Cesar fucking,

so I knew you'd get the top of each other. You know, never top, no bottom back then. Okay, let's just say we had different upbrings. Yeah. Okay, so now, as they... You and DC Cab. Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck, man? Like that, you know, that was like, that was like...

I was 27, it was my first year out here. I got the part really my first day in LA. No. Yeah, I was doing my third tonight show. It was New Year's Eve going into 1983. So Joel Schumacher, the director of the movie, saw me on this tonight show, New Year's Eve. And then in January, they had the casting and he wanted me for that part or a bow.

Certainly, I got it. So I mean, maybe he wanted somebody else and I did a better, I don't know. But that's, yeah. I've Google that cast a lot. Oh, I mean, Mr. T. Yeah. Gary Busey, yes.

I mean, it was quite a bunch of screwball comedy people. Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett, that's the, that's the, was a, yeah, Charlie died young, you know, and was tragic. Adam Baldwin, who went on to do a full metal jacket, who Marsha Warfield. And yeah, I mean, it was, it's just really not my kind of movie. Of course, I was thrilled to do it. I was 27.

Oh, so it was a Hollywood movie. Hollywood one day. I was thought it was horrible. I don't I don't think it's funny. It's so basic and obvious. And it's just not my kind of movie. Why they want to stand it? I couldn't stand to watch it myself. Well, then why is it that a movie like that? People, the finds are my childhood. Where do you go? Fucking DC cab is the best movie ever. Because you were a fucking kid, so you thought it was good. I do that all the time. I watch a movie that I remember as good. And then it's like, oh, this stinks.

Yeah, because I watched it in 1970 when I was 14, and it's about Natalie Wood looking hot. It's a movie sucks. It was masturbation thought. Was you selling me flash dance dance doesn't hold up. It's funny. I saw it. Yeah, things never change. I saw that on the other day. I was flipping through and I stayed with it just long enough to get a look at the gentleman from Beels because I just remember,

oh, beautiful. Yes, there, there was a exotic kind of, I'm not even trying hotness to her. And I think, last time I saw her, she'd look very good. It was not the kind of beauty that faded, like, some do. It was kind of like made to stand the test of time. Yeah, yeah. Now I can stop thinking about women, so let's get on to something.

Or I'd like for police. We have a, I've been married 20 years, no, 18 years, I've been with my wife 20 years. But you never really stopped being a party guy, right? I mean, a lot of wives would have stopped that. Yeah, do anything. I quit drinking. So we broke up like four months in, and I quit drinking.

Because I've gotten, you know, it was one of those things where it was like, I was at a party or a dinner, and I had two extra drink, and then an argument started about politics, but not politics, but social politics. And I just was like, I don't really see it that way. And it got upset her friends. And then I was like, well, fuck him, they're fucking idiots, I'm not gonna give a shit.

And my wife was like, my wife had told me she loved me and I hadn't said it back. And so I was like, you know what, she dumped, you were married, you should. No, no, no, no, no. We had just been together for four months. Oh, I see. And so she dumped me. And I quit drinking.

I quit drinking. I got her back. And I said, maybe I said, I don't have never really needed alcohol to have a good time. It's just something that I really enjoy. I really enjoy alcohol with a sunset or with a sunrise or. With a joint. Like, yeah, with a joint like yeah with a joint like I love Fuck the sun when someone I don't care about the sun is out or not it's the joint and pot

I mean the joint and the alcohol that that is such a great one to punch I don't know what the fuck the chemical reason is but and I'm sure it doesn't work that way for everybody, but I always thought like pot plus liquor kind of equals acid. If not at the level I'm doing it now, but it could. I mean, you could really be so high on you. I remember a couple of times back early when I didn't really realize what was happening. And I remember thinking the next day, I think somebody slipped me.

You know what I was looking to slip my sorry ass, anything. I was just smoking and drinking at the same time, so I thought somebody fucking slip me something that made me trip. Yeah, I was tripping, but I wasn't really tripping. I love the excitement when someone offers you drugs. Like I love the excitement when someone's like, or alcohol, they go, hey man, it's like,

it's 10 o'clock in the morning and you're at breakfast. And then you guys want some drink and the guy looks and he goes, I'll get some of you on something. And you're like, the way your heart skips a beat, you're like, oh yeah, I'm gonna bloody marry. And then you get one bloody marry and then they're like, hey man, you wanna take this over to Pat's and we're gonna fuck a couple cocktails,

you're like, yeah! It's the greatest feeling. And we'd as that same, when someone pulls out a joint and lights it, that there's such a, especially post-COVID, when someone's like, like, hey, I trust you. I'm kind of cultivate that image. I don't, here's the thing, I don't have much of a differentiation, this can be problematic. I don't have much of a differentiation between what I show you on stage and what I really

am. Not that smart. Right. Me neither. Yeah. It's not about smart. You're plenty smart. Look how successful you are. It's that, first of all, honesty, I mean, look, people also hate honesty.

Nobody knows that better than me. But they also love it. Yeah. Some people hate it. A lot of people hate it because they can't take it. But the people who love it, when they do love it, you know what form it comes in, your mind, it's bracing. It's like walking out on a Christmas November morning.

It's like, who a little cold, but oh, it feels good. It's like, yes. Yeah. Okay, it's not like just sitting back into a comfy chair. It's a little better. It's stimulating little better. It's stimulating. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, being who you are and not changing that, it's not what they see in acting,

it's not what they sing in music. Everybody, in those fields is basically playing a persona. Yeah. I mean rock stars aren't really always acting like that and wear the fucking crazy outfits and flamboyant and the shirt off. Oh, you have the shirt off. I take the shirt off.

I live in my shoes. That example. But you know what I'm saying? Yeah. The comics, we can be like more naked than anybody. Yeah. You know, they talk about, you know, oh, the actor that was so brave

because they're performance. Yeah, but it was a performance. It was brave to, you know, not compared to a Marine, but neither a Wii, that kind of brave. But, you know, oh, she was so brave, you know, the beautiful actors who ugly's herself up for a part. I always say, you know, be brave if she stayed ugly. That would have been really brave if she got ugly

for the movie and had to stay that way for the rest of her life. That would be fucking brave. No, those have made out of putty, it came off. Yeah. But, you know, being yourself exactly and singing exactly what you think, especially that they get the classroom.

That was fucking crazy. That was, well, that's not who I was when I worked in a double channel, I was not that guy. Like on stage, I would always kind of clean it up and then I think doing podcasts and get back into standup, that was the funnest of like really focusing on standup is and I might be a little oblivious to the whole cancel culture.

I look at it like sharks, right? So like people talk about cancel culture a lot. The same way they talk about sharks in the summer. You see it on Fox News, you don't see it on CNN. Shark attack, shark attacks are up in Florida. I grew up in Florida and I swam with sharks a lot. Same way they talk about sharks in the summer. You see it on Fox News, you don't see it on CNN. Shark attack, shark attacks are up in Florida. I grew up in Florida and I swear I'm with sharks a lot. And if you focus on sharks, the ocean isn't fun. And if you focus on cancer culture,

comedy's not fun. Right. But if you just go, hey man, I might get bit. I'm cool with that. That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm out in the ocean. I go that,

the only way to really enjoy the ocean is to just go, I think I'm gonna be okay with sharks. Yeah, and you will be. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, unless you're very unlucky, or swimming, we just did this fucking fully loaded tour, right? Nikki was telling you about it when we were, yeah. And I had Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Joey Diaz,

Big J. Ogrison, David Tell, Chelsea Lynn, Fortune Feemster, Taylor Thomas, and Nikki Glazer. It's the greatest comics out there. And in that handful, in one hand, the most inappropriate, politically incorrect comics you've ever seen in your life. My daughter came with, my teen-year-old daughter who's like, woke as fuck.

I mean, that's that generation of course Comedy is the horse is the villain and her dad is the fucking Joker like it like they to joke about Elliott page is Sacrillage dad that's what she wrote her thing the jokes are one upsets me You go well that's kind of the the business I'm in that paid for this house to pay for the so I bring George on the road And she watches these David Tell. David Tell's like fucking right and I watch her and her best friend Daisy go like this and they're laughing but they're covering the phrase I go and I say, I saw you laughing at that trans joke about da da da da and George goes, Dad, hold on. The way

he says it, it's different. It's not, he's not, it's like he surprises you with the thing and I go, yeah, it's called fucking comedy. Exactly. That's what we do, baby. And the reason why it's so great is because laughter is involuntary. It's so, stop it.

So when you laugh, your mind is telling you something that you perhaps resisted believing, but it's like sort of trumping you. It's jumping, it's going around the gatekeeper. And these kids do need deep programming. And your daughter needs deep programming. She left. Joey Diaz, and I don't know if you She left. Joey Diaz.

Now, Joey Diaz, I don't know if you're familiar with Joey Diaz. Sure. But Joey Diaz is a few blocks from us. My daughter actually only know him as Uncle Joey. Wow. In like legit Uncle Joey. Right. She watched Joey Diaz's goes hard in the fucking paint.

Right. Like he says things that would have gotten him in trouble in the 90s. Okay. Yeah. And to watch them watch my wife cry laughing and to watch that and then my daughter George goes, is this what Joey Diaz says? And I go, yeah, she goes, Uncle Joey, this is, she's like, that is fucking hilarious.

I went, yeah, that's the whole point is that, and I watch these guys, Mark Norman, murder. Shane Gillis, dude, murder. All these guys, big jokes and Nikki, Taylor, all these guys are murderers, but they're saying the shit to 12,000 people in a minorly stadium that you're not supposed to say into a microphone, definitely.

And people are losing their fucking minds. And I go, well, as long as these 12,000 people keep showing up, I wouldn't worry about the sharks. But I wouldn't try that in San Francisco. There are parts of the country where you, like, yeah. No, no, it just absolutely would not. Yeah. I mean, there are not that there are in 12,000 people

in San Francisco. Especially lately that San Francisco is reminding the country that, yeah, we're not as crazy as you think. We, yes, are very left and we elected some people who are even more left than we are and we got rid of them, you know, because that's what they've been doing in San Francisco lately. Oh, you don't know any of that. I don't think it's a little politics at all.

Okay. Literally, if you don't say it, I don't hear it. Right. That's how it works. I mean, honestly, it's not one of my interests. Like I don't really give a fuck about certain things. So like, I also don't follow motorcycle racing. You know, there's a lot of things I'm not interested in.

Right, I'm pretty much interested in stand-up comedy. Right, me. Right. It's like, I feel like the news is like, we ever have someone go, him and can I say my vacation photos? You're like, am I in any of those pictures? I mean, I'm not gonna let you off the hook quite that easy.

It's not the same as motorcycle riding because it affects everybody's lives. It affects your kids. And unless people take care of a democracy, it'll go away. And we take for granted that we live in a very blessed atmosphere where we don't have to worry about our basic freedoms. But that's not the case in most countries in the world.

When people just don't mind it and let it go, it can go. I mean, everything that we said, it can happen here. Yeah, it can. Terrorism, we said it couldn't happen here. It did. A guy becoming a dictator, very close to happening. You may not be aware of this, but there's these things going on out called the January 6th hearings, but the day they did try to take over the country to steal the

country. And I mean, it was a lot worse and a lot closer than we thought, and he's going to try it again. Yeah. And I'm telling you, I can cannot quite let anybody off the hook who says, I don't follow politics and that's just a taste. It's also a responsibility. It's a little like not, you know, watering your lawn. Yes, it's not affecting me directly right now, but it's bringing the rice of the house next door down

and there's a little, yeah. I can understand good and out. We're not watering our lawn either. And that can be problematic. But you always buy it with me, Bert. I never let anything go by, but that's why you like me. Yeah. And by the way, it's perfectly within your rights to do that.

I mean, you don't have to follow it closely. It just eventually could bite you in the ass. Is that what you're saying? I would be the guy to bitten the ass because I don't. Well, no, it would bite all of us in the ass. I mean, if we don't watch, I mean, I watch America slow, I feel like America is just letting itself go

in every possible way. I mean, the education is just, it must be just at a level that I can't imagine what goes on during the day in a school because I see these videos I showed one on my show and in editorial, it just about a month ago. It's like Leno's old J-walking bit where somebody just asks somebody that TikTokers do it a lot. They're very basic questions. Can you name a country? And they're like, Africa. And you're like, that's exactly.

And I just saw another one. And it's like, they don't know anything. And I don't know how long a country can survive with this level of no information in the head. And because things are built upon other things, you know, if you don't know that there are three branches of government, you're not going to be threatened by the fact if one of them goes away. Hey, remember the old Got Milk ads? Well, times have changed and we are much more open as a society.

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And we're doing a show together. And I don't know a lot about politics, obviously. So I meet Cory Booker and he goes, he's like, hey man, I'm Cory. I said, oh, your rose already is boyfriend. And he goes, I am. I said, what do you do for living? He said, I'm a senator. I said, oh, I said, like, he goes on with politician. I go, is that, oh, do you make money doing that? He goes, he goes, yeah, I do. I said, what do you do in politics? He goes, I'm a senator. I said, what do you do in politics? He goes, I'm centurized. Is that the two people thing or the nine people thing? And he goes, looks at what it was all in. He goes, he doesn't follow politics.

He definitely doesn't follow politics. And he goes, that's the nine person thing. I go, cool. So you want to be president one day? You were kidding. I was joking. I go, you want to be president one day? And he goes, I just ran for president.

I go, did you win? I did. I did. Ah. And that's how I met Cory Booker. How do you win? I win. I win. I win. And that's how I met Cory Booker. That's fantastic. But there's, look, I... No, nobody deserves the piss taken out of the more than politicians.

Yeah. That's a fantastic story, a thing to do. But I would just say this, knowing that there are two senators is not something we can take for granted in this country. Yeah. And that's not even politics. That's civics. Civics is something they used to teach. We didn't teach it anywhere. It was a whole study. Oh, yeah. It was a whole field.

And it was just like the basics of government. That civics. Politics is what those two senators are doing now. Mm-hmm. That's politics. But this is just civics. They don't even know that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, some of these answers and questions like you said, like name a country

or you know, what was one of them like? What country is Venice, Italy and Paris? I mean, you can't make this up. Yeah. The level of ignorance is just stunning. So... My daughter just signed up for classes at her college for the fall semester. She was taking modern history or something, something like that.

Modern history. And I said, I'm really into history. Like, if I'm into one thing I love is history. I love... Me too. I love it. Oh. I'll tell you, I'm into one thing I love is history. I love it. Me too. I love it. Oh, there's I'll tell you I'm shot out to podcast to podcast. Noiser has the best. They have the thing about the dictators. It's so fucking great. Oh, good. The whole series on dictators. They have a whole series on daily history. Like like today. What was the thing today that happened? But why wouldn't you if you love history, why wouldn't you be interested in the first draft of history? Because what's today? Today is the day Andrew Hamilton got shot.

Today's the day Andrew Hamilton was the same guy shot. Well, it's a what? No, no, so what? Hold on, hold on. I know what? It's much more interesting. And so I find that so fascinating. I think it's because I'm getting older. You know what? I think there's something in me that the fragility of life history kind of really just puts it on display. Yes, and it also gives you a sense of perspective. You know, that's one thing that when the kids today don't study history, they have no perspective. This is one reason why they're so woke

because they have this idea that everybody throughout history should have been born with the same Sensibility that they were today and that's not how history works. No, it's an evolution just the way a human goes through an evolution It's like expecting yourself to have been completely mature at 10 To be like angry at Columbus, because he had slaves. Everybody had slaves back then, including people of color in other parts of the world. It's just what people did.

It's where humans were. Oh, yeah. But if they don't know that, they just have this judgmental, oh my God, Abraham Lincoln was a right, Yes, Abraham Lincoln. I think he did something for another race, but I can't remember exactly what. But my alma mater Cornell just took a bus down of Abraham Lincoln. For real? Yes. They're not the first. High schools have taken his name off it. Lincoln is not woke enough for these assholes. Well, we gotta get rid of some, I just watched the apocalypse though recently.

Oh, that was fucking, that's all fucking. When you see the just lack of, who was it, was it Carl and who did the bit about, about civil liberties? And he's like, they're not real. You're not, they're not real. They can be taken away at any time. And then when you start watching videos about,

like, they're just capturing tons of Incas, and then taking them into an Aztec temple and just murdering them so that their crops have been filled. And that life was so disposal. Yes, I look at my grandfather, stormed the beaches into Normandy, right? I like, we're talking like 80 years ago,

I mean, I guess 70 years ago, the idea that he was my dad got his journal and from World War II. And he guy rode every day about what was going on. And he was like, yeah, I guess we're going to a beach tomorrow. It like he literally had no clue what was happening. It was like, it can't be that bad, right? And it was like, no, no, in the journal, he's like, we're going to a beast tomorrow.

They put them on these boats from South Carolina and sent them right to England. They stayed on the fucking boats and then turned around and went right there. And, and, and, that's not right. Oh, yeah. I think that's, I don't know what, that's not what happened. The American forces were massing in England for a very long time. And all the soldiers knew, D-Day was coming.

They were just, and the Nazis knew it was coming. They didn't know where. That was what the shell game was. The Nazis were like, are they gonna attack up here? Are they gonna attack up here? Are they gonna attack in Normandy? But they were all, my father was in World War II. Okay, he wasn't on the beach in Normandy,

but he was in the Allied force that was in Europe soon after. He was part of it. I'm telling you, they knew, the soldiers knew. The he knew you just go, I mean, like, he didn't think he was going to the beach like with me. No, no, no, I don't think I know. I might have misrepresented that. I might have misrepresented that. A castle. And, you know, you were going to have the little like a dog pulled up. I don't think I think my point was, I don't think he knew it was going to be

literally things down. Swoom, swoom, swoom, I don't know how bad it was. And that's why one of the probably the greatest war movie I think, Saving Private Ryan. Can't watch it. I fucking kills me. The Private Ryan. I mean, to know that that's, to know that, yeah, it's in life.

It's like the first season of fucking Game of Thrones when they cut Ned's head off. And you go, what the fuck? Right. And that's life. Is that the first season of fucking Game of Thrones when they cut Ned's head off and you go, what the fuck? Right. But that's life. Is that one day, yeah, cool. One day you get a phone call. And one day the fucking plane goes into the tower.

That fucking, I think that's what fascinates me about history is that there is like a real fucking fragility of it that I just, I'm faster. But you just know that today's newspaper is a history book. It's just one that was written yesterday. That's the thing. You know, this is living history. So I think, you know, since you're so interested in history,

I bet you at some point, you will see that continuum because you will trace history right after the present and then you'll be like, oh. And last month, interesting too, and last week, and now I got to know it right now, or, you know, but I agree history because it's people. I mean, I get it if your mind works mathematically, scientifically, that's not never was my bail awake. But I just never understood why everyone wasn't more like, oh, history, of course, because it's stories. Oh, it's stories.

That's why I love it. Yes, you're a good story. It's good to tell. James, you're telling me a good story about history and I am fucking in. I heard about the first aborigini that killed a settler in Australia back in like the fucking, back when like, and then this guy became a legend.

But you tell those stories and I think it's cause it gets punched up over years. Over you give it 200 years at breeds and you're like, no, no, no, no. And he was like seven feet tall, you know? I think that's what, the story of the day of the news is never as good as seven years ago.

The history is also a game of telephone. Yeah. You know, it's just the things. We, you know, what, when you think about what is suspect just from what people talk about contemporaneously, what must it be like from something 2000 years ago? You know, I mean, I don't know what your relationship is with Mr. Jesus Christ, but just for example, like I know people get upset. I was too fucking movie. Trust me, trust me. Trust me as a dude who has hardcore panic and rituals through religion. I watched it. I was like someone switch him. Yeah, but like

there's not, we don't know if there was a historical Jesus, there could have been, you know, I mean, whether if you think he's God, okay, well, that goes, that's a whole different discussion and it's not a discussion at all, it's a belief. But like, was there a historical Jesus? I mean, there's a lot of people who are like, how dare you even ask that question?

Of course, there was. No, not of course. There may have been, there may have been an actual just, and it may have been a completely fictional character. But that's everything from, but no, there are some things we know, there are records. We know there was a Julius Caesar. There absolutely was.

Absolutely was. Of course, and there was a Neuro and there was a Charlemagne. And, you know, there are many people we do know that Cleopatra, these people did exist for sure. They can't hold a bit lying, but. Wait, so we have, like, this sounds crazy. I'm not a human assist. So we don't have, like, proof there actually was a Jesus.

No. No, I mean, all we have is five people talking about it. And what's suspect is this? Jesus dies. You're gonna fuck me up now. You know you're gonna fuck me up. I hope so. Jesus dies in 33 AD, right?

I mean, we started accounting at time. It was one of my first jokes. Like, boy, you know you're big when they start counting time again. Okay. Uh, followed by, I'm still writing zero on my checks when the year one, that was another joke. I had my very first five minutes.

Okay, so, um so he dies in 33. He dies in 33. What, he dies. I know because he has 33. He's in that, that was like, why? 33. 33, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking 33, yeah.

He dies in 33. Right, he dies in 33. No, this is, when he turns the gas on, we going to part of like a 33. Right. The, the gospels are written from 70 AD to 110 AD. And they, so none of the gospel writers were contemporaneous with Jesus.

Yeah. They didn't know him. People think that because some of their names are the same as the apostles, but they were not. And you didn't live, no one lives 70 years back then. Yeah, sure they do. Absolutely. Oh, Abraham.

No, the Greek playwrights lived in the 90s. I mean, the normal human lifespan, if you don't pollute your body or, yes, back then, you could get a splinter and die from that. But they were immune systems were so much better. Yeah, you could live to 100 easily. And some of them did. No, of course, many, many, many didn't because you had to get kicked by a horse or, you know,

there were diseases that they didn't know what to do with plagues. But yeah, you could. So, no, 70 AD is what I'm talking about. That's when the first gospel is written. That's the gospel of Mark. So he didn't know Jesus, he did Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, none of them knew Jesus. Those books were written from 70 to 110 AD. Wow.

They were saying Paul, he lives 20 years earlier than the gospel writers, much closer to Jesus' age. He's writing in the 50s with the leather jackets. No. No, I'm talking about it. I'm talking about it. Yeah, happy day. No, no, I'm talking about actual 50s.

And he knows nothing about Jesus. The gospel writers have all this information about the manger and, you know, like the father, the mother, the carburetor, all this biographical detail. St. Paul doesn't even imagine that he lived on earth. He's just like a god-like figure, okay? So it's odd that the people who seem to know Jesus better lived much later. And the person who could have been aware of Jesus

in the flesh, St. Paul in the 50s, he doesn't even think Jesus is a humanly figure. It's very odd. So what is it about, like if you had to say that, so I just listened to a documentary on, or podcast on Joseph Smith. Sure. And that was more recent.

What is the common denominator between, is it just that you get a couple special dudes and then they're so enigmatic that everyone tells stories about them and then goes, like how do you become Joseph Smith? Well, Joseph Smith was a straight up con man. That is crazy. Crazy con.

And just, Mormons are, Mormons are the funnest people to be around in the day at night, a snooze. It takes annex, go to bed, you can't drink in front of them, you can't stand up and drink. Yeah. I love Mormons, I love Mormons, but yeah, I think that's sometimes, I think you could get a party out of a Mormon in the right setting. They pillage.

I know that firsthand. I think they're like the preacher's daughter, they can get wild. I've never, I've party with a bunch of Mormons. I think they always, they're fun with jumping out of planes and fucking back your son-in-law. I think you get him in the right mood and it's all like city. I think you could have a good time. But I mean, to answer. Go back to Joseph Smith. Yes. Okay. So that's just straight up con man. I mean,

that's just crazy. A guy who just was like, you know what? I could get people to believe anything because they will. If I just say it's a religion. I mean, that's that's Elron Hubbard too. He was a science fiction writer. And he just went, oh, if I say this's a religion. I mean, that's that's Elrond Hubbard too. He was a science fiction writer and he just went, Oh, if I say this is a religion instead of science fiction, I can make a lot more money and people will follow me. I won't just be an author. I'll be a prophet. I'll do that. Yeah. Just the same thing. Just a straight up con man. Sorry, I meant. But Jesus, I would not, and Saul Jesus, or whoever created him, whichever what it is, by putting them in the same category, that's not a con. That was a completely different way of looking at what happens in the afterlife.

The recent Christianity was successful, was in an empire that was mostly slaves. Here was something that was telling you in the afterlife, things get better. The meek will inherit the earth. This is what was revolutionary about Jesus' message. This is why it caught on. It's like, boy, life here sucks, but the real kingdom is in the after party. This is, that's why you've got to be. Yeah, that's why Jesus called on. Now, how much of it is real? I don't believe in God's and that stuff, but that's philosophically why. And that is sort of a beautiful message that the meek are really as strong and have as

much dignity, the poor has as much dignity as the rich and the powerful. You know, that's why they, I mean, of course, the masses like that message, and they didn't have that message before. Yeah, my dad worked for the church. That concludes this TED Talk. My dad worked for the church of Scientology, when I was a kid.

Why? He was a Scientologist? No. Oh, but he just worked for the church. He worked for the church, worked for Elrond Hubbard. He defended someone, so that someone tried to escape for the church. He worked for the church. He worked for Elrond Hubbard. He defended someone, so that someone tried to escape from the church and was like, hey man, they're horse shit or whatever. Am I dad defended that person against the church?

And one, and so then the church came and threw a bunch of money at him and was like, oh, we want you. Oh, anyone who can beat us. So I think my dad knew Elrond Hubbard met him, or you know, but I remember him and my mom's a lot like, I mean, So I think my dad knew El Run Hubbard met him, or you know, but I remember him and my mom's a lot like. I mean, there's like, my dad do not talk to anyone of these fucking dinners. I've ever seen that this video of Tom Cruise at a Scientology convention,

and he's up there on the st- Oh, yeah, he's here. Oh, with the metal? I think so, but he gives a big salute to the big picture of El Ron Hubbard. L-R-H, and you're like, wow, Tom Cruise, I mean, now riding so high with his billion dollar movie, which I'm sure is great. I haven't seen it, but I will.

I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I have a big fan of Tom Cruise, the movie star. Really? I think he picks great scripts. He's a smart guy. He's a fucking man. It's like you, to me, this epitomizes the mystery of religion. Like, how can a guy that smart in so many areas

then believe in Xeno and 12 trillion years ago and the galactic warrior and the volcano with the bomb? And like, this is like, are you kidding? The five-year-old can see this is both nice. Wouldn't it be nice? Wouldn't it be nice? Like wouldn't it be nice? Like I really honestly, I mean real serious.

I would love to have that blind faith. Do you wake up every morning, you go? Yes. Everything's gonna be fine. Sure. I'm just gonna go to a spaceship and then tear off my friends. Ignorance is bliss.

I wanna be ignorant. Well, I wanna be ignorant. Like that's the fucking joy of these. Yeah then they're off my friends. Ignorance is bliss. I want to be ignorant. Well, I want to be ignorant. Like that's the fucking joy of these, I'm trying my heart. That's why Bill, that's one reason my people do things like that. Yeah. I mean, as you know, Nail said, once a life with illusions is unpartenable

and a life without illusions is unbearable. And that's the dilemma we live in. It's you. It's, I look at you and like, Conor S. Thompson, those kind of guys that are just fucking real. You know, like, stand hope is that way real, you know. My heroes are who my heroes are. I can't help that.

Right. But then ultimately, I'm some guy that would, I would love to be fucking Tom Cruise and be like, not fucking Tom Cruise, but I would love to be Tom Cruise. Or maybe I'd, I bet it would be nice. Yeah, you could sissor with him. Yes, sissor, fuck with an elevator.

I would just love to get Tom Cruise on an operating table, because again, the brain is so good, and I would just be like that, wanna be that surgeon who said to him, Tom, there's just this one wire that's a little crossed in here. We're just gonna go in for a couple of minutes.

What if they give you that one minute, and then you're gonna be so good on it, and then he wouldn't be like, what if they could give you that wire thing? What if they go, hey, we can switch a wire, and you'll believe in God. Oh, you'll believe, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no say this, you know, you're such a successful guy, but you're known as a party or so,

I'm sure people come up to you parents and are like, don't you think you're giving kids a bad message by being Mr. Party animal? And then, but you sell out stadiums and you do all this stuff and kids will think being this way is the way to be. I mean, your own daughter, you said. I mean, what's that relationship like? Is that moving toward a place of more consolation or is that moving toward a place of, like,

I mean, Elon Musk's child just disowned him and took 18 years off. And said, I don't want the name. My name is at Musk anymore and I don't want to have anything to do and maybe that will change because 18 is... When you get 25, you're looking for fucking apartment. You're like, hi, my name's not really pulling traction on these fucking apartment. You're like, hi, it's my name's not really pulling traction on these fucking applications.

But yeah, in short, I'll tell you right now, and my daughter may not, my daughter may not be 100% comfortable with all this, but it's part of my gig is that I'm pretty honest about everything. We found out she smoked marijuana at one point. I did not handle it well. I didn't handle it well.

I know. I know. I know. She drank and smoked marijuana and she was 15, 16. I just smoke it with her. I because I'm not that dad. I ultimately I'm not that dad. I would love to be that dad.

I would love to be the dad that goes, Hey, kids, come on. We can smoke it with me, but you can't smoke it with your own flesh and blood. I know not that dad. I would love to be that dad. I would love to be the dad that goes, hey kids, come on, we can smoke it with me, but you can't smoke it with your own flesh and blood. I know it's, well, I got called hypocritical by a parent. I got called very hypocritical. Either pod is not a horrible thing or it is. And if it's not, then you can enjoy it with your children.

I think. But I don't have kids. I was raised, my dad was like, you don't get the twos, you don't get fucking, you don't smoke weed, you don't drink. That was how I was raised. And so I had this old school mentality in my head. So then it wasn't until honestly she came on tour with us. And she saw that I just don't ever want to look at my party and I smoke weed and I have

a good time. But I also get a lot of shit done. You're a terrible role model. Yeah, but I'm an anomaly in that. Not a lot of people, like last night we went out to Malibu, had dinner with the legendary me and Tom and talking about movies, selling movie and then I wake up this morning at 8 o'clock, I'm fucking benched. Two, fifteen, three times, five times. Like, I'm gonna get up and I work out,

I get my shit done. And there needs to be that fire under your ass. It drugs, I saw too many friends in Florida, drugs are not in front of everything, and drugs and alcohol. And then that was the answer for everything. And I just wanna make sure they know that, like, the work ethic is the thing

that allows you to do the drugs and alcohol. Like, if you bust your ass all day. Well, I must also say the sugar from the alcohol that was still in your body. Yeah, it's probably why you were able to bench press at five in the morning. But I've always been like that. I ran the LA marathon with no training at all.

I told Rogan, I can do it. He goes, you can't do it. So I can do it. I don't even train for it. I can just run out and do it. I'll part of the night can do it, he goes, you can't do it. So I can do it. I don't even train for it, I can just run out and do it. I'll party the night for it. Party the night for it, went out, did it, ran the LA marathon. You're not in bad shape.

I'm a pretty fucking fat. But in America? Not America. Not America. That's why I think I saw well in the middle of the country. They're like, he's hot. Well, you just look robust. You know, I don't think they know.

But with my daughter, it has been, with both my daughters, it's been a little hypocritical. They caught me smoking weed one time. Well, I had one of those fire pits with a gas fire in it, and I was smoking one of these little baby joints, and I saw them coming, and I threw it in there. You're doing it now. They're gonna see this.

They won't see this bill. Ha, ha, ha, ha, I love that. I love that, that's the obviously. I know demographics more than anything. They don't care about you, they don't even care about me and I'm their father. So listen, I know you, you haven't set it this door to night, is that what I was,

Yeah, what time? I don't know, I know. I know the clock here. Yeah, I've watched out. Yeah, I've said it's door. Okay. All right. Well, listen, you want to come down and do a spot?

I never get out of this door. Tell them I'm still bitter about it. In the belly room. We're in the belly room tonight. No, we're not. Yeah, I'm doing the belly room. I do the belly room every Wednesday night. I thought that was just for girls.

No, no, it's a no. No, the belly room is no longer. I thought that was just for girls. No, no, it's a... No, the belly room is no longer just for women. It's really fun. When did that end, like, 1990 and I fucking... Let me tell you something. When are you doing your next special? I just did one. I know, well, yeah, fantastic.

Oh, thank you. When are you doing your next one? Oh wow, 18 months? No. Have fun, have fun. No, 18 months. Book out the belly room, call Emily, do the belly room, and book it out for a month. Sweetheart.

It's so close to you and you can have fun. You got so much, I love it. I'm not me, sweetheart. No. You know that's a Bill Martin right there. That's a hard one. It's like being, that's like being called a bitch by Mike Tyson. Like, I'm gonna fuck him and you're asking you, like,

you, when you call me sweetheart, that makes my heart swell. Sweetheart, I am not doing the comedy clubs again. That's like going back to high school. I mean, I love you comics who do it. Good luck. I'm enjoying it. But I play theaters. I don't need to go to comedy clubs anymore.

I don't need to try shit out. I know what's going to work before I do it. I'm 66 years old. I've been doing this for 42 years. And I ain't going to the comedy store. I'm doing this for 42 years, and I ain't going to the comedy store. I've been in this for 42 years, Motherfucker. Yeah, so, all right.

Well, listen, I love this. Hey, let me tell you something. I'm going over here. It has been a real honor to be able to do this. Yeah, I knew it would. I had a feeling... I thought it'd be fun. Nobody comes here to Club Random,

who I don't think I'm going to have a great time with. I appreciate it. And it's also helpful to break it's mouth. Club. I love how you do my podcast. I will show called Flores Burning. We'll reach out to you, but there you are. Podcast King.

You're fucking right.