Club Random with Bill Maher - Chris Distefano | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: January 21, 2024

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Oh, you really don't know anything about Pop. No, I told you, I don't know. Okay, you're never getting on real time. Club. Chevy Chase, Robin Williams, and they treated him as a peer just based on this little 200 seat nightclub. Club Render. It's about time we met.

Right to see you. Mr. Bill, how you doing, my friend? Nice to see you. Feel good? Thanks. I mean, you've been sat down yet. Yes, I feel, how do you feel? What are you about a size 34 waist?

Yeah, 30, yeah, well that's a little big for me, 33. Oh, you're European size. This is a very odd way to start to get to know a young good looking man. What are people going to think out there? They're going to think that it's sort of a setup here. It's club random, dude. You know, I randomly picked a sexuality to start the show. The gayest I ever feel in my life

is when I'm in Los Angeles. Well, wait a minute, I resemble that remark. No, but it's not, you know, it's what it is. I get it, everybody's got stories. You know, I had one opportunity out here a few years ago, I had a sitcom pilot and the head of the department over there was gay guy. And he wanted, you know, he would always flirt with me

a little bit, talked about my shoulders. He wanted me to wear a little bit tighter pants. So I called my father back in New York and said, what do I do? My dad said, listen, you know, you wear a little bit of tighter pants and you do what you gotta do for the family. Show him a little ass.

Is that true? Yeah, it's true. Or is that a bit? No, I will not, Bill, I promise you, I won't, I'm one of those guys, I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you the truth. When I do bits, they're on stage. I don't like to do the bits on the pod. Alright, we don't have to have a duel about it. Jesus Christ, where's my second? What's the second? I'm sorry. Let me haveaculia. Should we? Yeah, don't say it like I need some ticula to get through suffering your stupid stomach. No, I'm not suffering.

Dude, you look like you look like my aniline. My aunt? I got an aniline. She's got the same haircut as you. Oh. But it's a compliment. I guess that's more of a slim on her, really. Exactly.

No, we've been telling you, we've been saying, anne-Aileen. She's watching we've been sent once him No, okay. We've been saying yes. No, no, no, we've been saying my anne-Aileen looks like Bill Morris since you become you know well known oh Yeah, and then I got another aunt aunt Janet looks like Ron Perlman. Uh, not so Rhea Perlman She looked like Ron Perlman. Oh, not Rhea Perlman. He might not be sick if she looked like Ron Perlman. I went and said to this girl, and I don't think she was this actress, and she was like 40, and I said, she was like bitching and moaning about like, you know, how Hollywood discards you when you're, and it's true, it's not nice. And I said, please, you could still play the Angelo. And she started to laugh and I went, oh wait, I meant to say you could still play Maya

Angelo. And she didn't think it was very funny. Bill, can I say something right now? It's an honor, of course, to be on this pod with you, and I really do mean that, truly. Oh, thank you. It is. You know, I'm from New York, New Jersey. Anybody who makes it from the original 13, fan. I, I,

Colonies, you mean? Original 13 colonies. To me that's a matter of... That's a pretty broad grouping that you're, that's... That encompasses a lot of people. If you're from the original 13... That's not really a great compliment. When I find out of guys from the original 13 colonies,

I like you and I support you. That would be South Carolina. From South Carolina, all the way up to New Hampshire. So as long as you're from South Carolina, you're a made man. Made man, I'm freedom first, okay? Every code to every phone door I have is 1776. And that's how we roll.

I'm not political at all, I just love my country. As you can tell by my haircut, I really love this country. I do too. Yeah. We're not going to argue about that. No, not at all. I mean, I'm always bitching and moaning about how much I don't like to live in this country where if you don't agree with somebody,

you don't wanna breathe the same air. You know, as someone once said to me about some being at a party with someone else who didn't have the same politics and it's just not gonna get solved that way. And the specific thing about America, I've done many pieces about this. I just ask for perspective and a little education for the people who are talking about America

in such an ignorant way. It's like, I'm not blind to all of our problems. I just have the perspective of knowing what other countries are like. And you don't. I could just tell by your non-facts. You don't know what you're talking about. And I, please, I've heard people say they want to move. I mean, I hated that in the 60s, like love it or leave it.

That was the exact opposite of how we felt on the liberal side, but the liberals changed. And I would never say to somebody love it or leave it. But if you're rooting against it, or if you have no perspective and think it's the worst place in the world, yeah, I don't think that's a kind of person who's gonna build a better country.

Well, here's the good news for you. Is you're a guy you've always been the same. You stuck to who you are and you just kept, no matter, the country was changing, but you stayed who you are. Because I remember 15 years ago in the neighborhoods, I was from like Ridgewood, Bushwick area, Queens, Middle Village, Glendale area, it's like cops,

firemen, blue collar, part of New York, there was a time when the country was changing, people, I remember my friends were like, fuck Bill Maugh, what does he gotta say? That fucking lesbian, what does he gotta say? Lesbian. No, no, because the country was going the other way. But now you just stuck to who you are,

and now those same guys are like, you doing Bill Maher? That guy's a fucking hero. So you just stuck to who you are, and that's the good news about you. Right, well. You're trustworthy. Yes. Yes, where I've gained conservative fans,

it's because I refuse to get on the crazy train all the way to Woketown. And I've made a whole thing about trying to point out constantly how wokeism is different than old school liberalism and blah, blah, blah. We don't have to go through all that political chaos here. Sure. I was going to say. I don't think your friends are probably people

I wouldn't like because, and maybe they do vote for Trump. I would tell them, you know. Most of my friends are felons, can't even vote. Really? One is definitely a felon. He cannot vote. But the other ones, I would say. Why, are you hung out with the bad crowd?

No, not necessarily with the bad crowd. It's the neighborhood. Again, it was from the old school, kind of old school New York neighborhoods. Yes. It's interesting. We should pause here to tell Mid America. They probably think, if they know anything about geography,

Queens, New Jersey, we are both satellites of New York City. We're probably equidistant from the heart of Manhattan. And yet, I think think we're old apart. Because just like listening to you, that accent, I don't have that accent. That is a Queens, New York accent. You sound like that and I sound like a regular, normal person, a radio announcer,

a person who enunciates and speaks clearly for a living because New Jersey, you know, we don't talk from New York. Yeah, we both live about 20 miles away from Manhattan, but I fixed your boiler. My family and I we fix your boiler. We put the floors in in your house. That's who we are. We take care of your garbage. Thank you, Mr. Ma. You tip me at Christmas, sir. But I was saying it's an honor to me and I really do mean that but it's an it's an as equal honor to be sitting in the chair

that Richard Dreyfus sat in on this podcast. I would assume that you have every guest come on or multiple guests. I'm telling you Bill, I'm being honest with you. We're comedians, right? We're jaded when it comes to laughter. And even if I think something's funny, even if I watch a joke by you or a joke by,

you know, another community aspect. No, when I laugh, it's an honest laugh. When I laugh, it's an honest laugh because most times when I'm laughing, it's I'm laughing, but I can't get the full way there because I'm like, shit, why didn't I think of that? Or damn, he's so much, we have this thing. Or something's not funny.

Right, but with Richard Dreyfus, I was truly like it actually broke kind of parts of my personality and my girlfriend wife was screaming at me. She was like, you're gonna wake up the kids and I was on the floor like Richard Dreyfus was on the floor. And what I thought was amazing about it is your commitment to just keep talking to him

no matter how low on this seat his head was. Well, if people didn't see the episode, Richard Dreyfus who I have the greatest respect for as an actor and an activist. Wait, before we take this poker up his ass, let's give him a little flowers, okay? But it's true. I did a special with him in 1987, a young comedian, and he was at the height of his power as a movie star. So his passion was politics.

I mean, I got to give him credit. He's not some celebrity who didn't do a lot of reading and thinking about stuff and he wanted to do a special on the 200th anniversary of the Constitution, which was passed in 1787. That's really when we became a country. Now, no network executive is gonna hear this pitch and say, what? What are you gonna dress up and fucking powder wigs and reenact this signing? What could be duller than, but he was a movie star.

And it was in 1987, I guess, Stevie, you can't even imagine, I'm sure, I can't even remember the kind of shit that was on them, they just had lower standards, because there was less competition. Dude, when he was here, and there was a part of the podcast where he's talking about his Puerto Rican 19 year old girlfriend and introducing her to the Queen of England,

and then you say, and how old were you? And I think he's gonna say 22, 23, he goes 37, I almost crashed my fucking car. Well, what people remember about that also is that he had, I think, a back issue. He did whatever, dude, it was great. I wanna go ahead and ask my doctor for the Richard Drivers. You know, he was, look, we all need to make ourselves

be in the feeling no pain mode. Sometimes I know I do. And so he just was, you know, sliding in the chair. No, but Bill, what we were seeing is this. The time when where your knee is was where his head was. I just want to show that to people or if you're listening, imagine. Yes. Where Chris's, imagine. Yes. Where Chris's knee is.

Yes. But he wasn't out of the chair. No. That I would have put a stop to. Yes. No. But he picked himself up. It was like a metaphor for life.

He kept drooling and melting down into the floor as we all do. Yes. And then would pick himself up. I see it as a triumphant piece. I said, I'm looking, you know, my girlfriend's Puerto Rican and I'm showing her, cause she's yelling at me and waking the kids up.

I said, Jazz, look at this. And she's watching and she like doesn't get it. I said, Jazz, how funny is this? She was like, there's something wrong with him. I was like, yeah, that's the point of it. I was like, don't you see the genius? Bill is not, Bill is just, Bill is maintaining eye contact with him and no, no, no, no, no, no, how low he goes. I was like, don't you see the genius? Bill is maintaining eye contact with him

and no matter how low he goes. I was like, don't you think that's great? And she was like, just go to sleep. She doesn't hate him. Yeah, some people don't like performance art. Yeah, she didn't get it. Right, and that's fine. Let me ask you this.

I wanna ask you this as a guy who's made it as, you know, I mean, there's no really objective measure in this. To me, as a fellow comic, I mean, you know, there's no really objective measure in this. You know, to me as a fellow comic, I look up to him like, Bill's made it as far as you can possibly make it. He's at that top. Do you get a lot of grief or any problems from family members or friends, from certain things you've said throughout your life, like ruin friendships? Or have you ever felt like I'm doing well, but I also feel like a pariah in a way to my family. Like my family does not like this at all. No, of course, this, you know,

I started in the clubs in 1979. It was a different comedy world. I mean, the world of family wasn't that different because I was just fortunate. I had two parents who they were sort of, they let me have that space. Like, the period we're talking about is like when college is ending. And it's like, okay, so, you know, we all knew you were going to go to college. That was sort of like day reger, so I did.

And yeah, I'm glad I did. Okay. But then, you know, it comes like your last year and to their credit, they didn't, like, what are you going to do? It's like, he'll tell us. And I just, like, literally didn't really say anything except I'm moving in, you know, trying to get an apartment in New York and I did get a rent-free situation where you have to do some unspeakable thing

for the price of, but the pleasure of staying at something that was about as big as this area we're sitting in. But, you know, fuck. What were we talking about? Well, I was saying, because I there's, I was wondering because like, you know, now comedy, right? Like I'm pursuing what I love in this, right?

I was a physical therapist before I had this, you know, I had to get a doctorate degree to become a physical therapist, went to school. You're an MD? Doctor of physical therapy, DPT. So I have a clinical doctorate. Gym teacher. Gym, exactly.

Yeah. Okay, absolutely. Yes, yeah, thank you. Yes, I work at the planet fitness up the street. So but you know, what is it? Planet fitness. Yeah, they give pizza to everyone walking in out of the gym on Friday. I swear to God because the people look like planets. So so so, so I, I, you know, went through school,

did all this, made my mother proud, right? And then I pursue comedy, right? And in the beginning I'm doing comedy, you know, I get on all these things, Letterman and all that stuff. And now I'm at the place where comedy is really going, you know, well for me. Fantastically well. But my, I feel like my family,

with the exception of my father, I feel like my family, with the exception of my father, I feel like my family almost presents me like I'm like a porn star, like because I cursed a little bit. Really? Yeah, so I was wondering if that was like a similar thing amongst all comics or did my family just fuck? No, your family's a bunch of dicks.

Well, of course that's not it. I told you, mom. My parents gave me that space to like come to them. So I was well out of college and had moved into that horrible apartment, not apartment like Cubby Hole and someone else in a rich person's apartment. And like it was only, I think maybe at Christmas.

So I'm out of college and I graduated early. So I'm out of college, and I graduated early, so I'm out of college almost a whole year. And they just really, because I didn't ask for money, and I just kind of like, you know, dribbled it out one night, like, yeah, I'm working at the comedy clubs, you know, just like, and they were kind enough, you know, so they must have been like suspecting that,

or I don't know, maybe not, enough, you know, to they must have been like suspecting that, or I don't know, maybe not, but you know, they just let me have the humiliation that is that first year or two of comedy is nothing but humiliation of every sort. Like you can't even get on stage when you do, you suck. You know, people think you're just, it's almost embarrassing that you're trying. Yeah. You know. Well, I think too, think too, when you were coming up,

you only had like the medium was stand up. There wasn't, you weren't filming everything you were doing and talking for hours. So now, so a lot of times I'll say something going into a bit or have a half baked idea on a podcast and I'll tell a story, changing names that like a family member was involved in that I think is funny. And then they get upset.

But then on the same token they like want tickets to the shows, so I'm like sometimes I'm conflicted like I was getting screamed at on Thanksgiving by my family screamed at for how awful my comedy is. The assholes out there who have nothing better to do, the perfect people who never do anything wrong, they live to see things that they can make into something. But you're a good man, Bill. You are really a good man. Oh, well, thank you.

You do have Founding Father energy, too. Anyone ever tell you that? Founding Father. You do. You feel like, like I feel like if we were going to have Founding Fathers today, you'd be in the running for one of them. I would vote you for one of them. You mean like to run the country to like run the country?

You would just be some of- Like started a new country, a better country. The country would vote in, you'd be like a John Adams type. George Washington would be like Leah Thomas from The Penn Swimmer. You would... The one I'm thinking about.

Yeah, George Santos would be Alexander Hamilton. Well. You know, you'd have, but I just feel, I'm saying you're smart and what you're a guy, here's a compliment to- Are you Don Rickles? No, here's a comment from one of my friends, we call him the worm.

He's a real conspiracy theorist. He told me this, I swear to God, he told me that standing in your producer, Chuck's from Middle Village, we were standing not far from Elliott Avenue, which is a big stream middle village. And I told him I was doing your show and he said, you know why I like Bill?

And he's being dead serious because of all the Hollywood stuff. Because you know why I like Bill? He looks like a guy that probably, I would say almost 100%, never fuck the kid. He looks like a guy that probably, I would say, almost 100%, never fucked a kid. Well, that's true. There you go.

So you're 99% sure you never did, and that means you're a good guy. Because they think everyone in Hollywood's having sex with kids in these neighborhoods in New York. I, yeah. That's fun. I'll never understand why you'd even want to have sex with a kid. I don't want to. I have kids. I don even want to have sex with a kid? I don't want to. I have kids.

I don't want to have sex with any of their friends. You know, that's the thing. It's like you can't, and this is a credit to the human race in this regard, you can put checks on yourself for barbaric behavior, which we're not on from the beginning of mankind's long crawl to civilization. I mean, for most of our time, you know, animals basically have sex by rape. They don't fucking go out to dinner first.

Dude, you go to the Sahara Desert, it's rape all day. All the animals are raping each other. There's no consent. Exactly. And humans were those animals until very recently. So it's to our credit that we went, no, you know what, let's find a different way. We share an appetizer, something. Yeah, you say like that.

So, yeah, well, you say like that. That's the Queen's verdict. We should do a show about the suburbs of New York. We should. Because boy. You never come back? It's a great, it's a, uh, course. Northeast? You know, I had a very sentimental journey, funny you should ask, about a year ago, about November, so a little, over a year ago, the house I grew up in, I visited that hadn't been to that. Right, owned by Indian people now. No.

No? In New Jersey? No, a lovely couple. Not Indian. Not Indian. Really? A lot of Indians in New Jersey, love Indian people. They call, I love Indian women, chubby Indian women.

That's my vice. Really? My girlfriend gets very upset when I talk about it. But yeah, my friends used to call me Chrissy Calcutta because of how much Indian woman point I watch. So you have a girlfriend and kids, but you're not married. We're not married, but I think I should probably do it. It's serious enough now.

When you put it that way, who could resist? I'd like to see you on one knee. Yeah. Honey, I just think whatever you say. I'm not going to get down on one. I'm going to get down like Richard Dreyfus to propose. Just the head. Just the head.

Would she find that funny? She probably would. I think she's just put up with me. I think she's just stuck with me now at this point. But I'm sorry, you were talking about your New Jersey house that's not owned by anyone. I'm prying into your personal life. No, you could pry all day, I don't mind.

I'm an open book. And you've had two kids. Well, that's a cementing, bonding sort of thing between two humans I hear. I would say it's relatively serious at this point. Right, I mean that's why I never took it past dating. Yes. I mean, I like, that's what I never like took it past, dating. Yes. I mean, I had serious girlfriends, you know,

but that's still dating. Yeah. You know, because in a woman's mind, you're either dating or you're, if you're not married, you're what I call on the path, you know, which is like, oh, they have steps of, you know, living together, pre-engagement, engagement. There's a whole thing.

And I always take a canoe going down the river and wanted to always get off before it gets to the falls. Yes. Well, dude, I would tell you. But that's me. Other people love it. Other people love going over. I would say to you, there's a great joke

by comedian Ted Alexander. He had a joke paraphrasing. He was like, you know, I'm 45 years old. I have no wife, no kids, I made it. You made it, sir. You've made it. Oh, thank you. No wife, no kids, you have made it, sir. You're successful. And this is why you have my vote as Founding Father. Thank you so much for saying that, Fred. It's a beautiful honor. I think that all the time. It's a beautiful honor. I can't really say it out loud, but honestly, when I hear every single person I know bitch about either their marriage or their divorce or whatever, I just think, yeah, I made a

lot of mistakes, really a lot of stupid things I did in this life. I mean, I am not a quick learner, but I do get it when I get it, but I'll admit that. But that one, yes. Oh, which one were we talking about? No, I'm saying you, like, even like, look at how beautiful your life is. Oh, that one of not marrying or having kids, the fact that I was able to do that, yes,

because I would be miserable. Look at your life, how beautiful you have, you have this, you have this beautiful property. You live on. If you had married a kid, I mean, you'd be living on top of a fucking Sabaros right now. She wouldn't take it everything.

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Yes, low East Side. Okay, so I moved to New York, grew up in Bergen County, New Jersey. I'm sure you're familiar. Of course. Rivervale was my little town. It was just leave it To Beaver, Will. Well, it was ridiculous.

And I was mid-century, you know, this is 60s, 70s. Very innocent. No racism, because there's only one race in town. No drugs, you know, just leave it to beaver. My father worked in New York in radio every day commuted there, right? So then I go off to college and I always want I knew I was gonna make commuting when I was 10. Wow. So I was always thinking about this. So I'm in college and I'm like all the time I'm in college. I'm like what am I doing here? This is theoretical. I'm not trying to get a job with this.

I should be doing what I do and I once even went up at the poetry reading and tried to do some material just because I was chomping into bit to get my... So I lived in New York that moved in with the rent-free Hubble. And then I had another Hubble on 8th Avenue. Oh, shit. That was my main apartment. I had one apartment in the edge of Spanish Harlem, 99th Street, a five-floor walk-up, no shower. Oof. You know, okay, then I had my...

Where did you shower? There was a tub in the kitchen. You put one of those. Oh, shit. I love that I lived through that though. It's beautiful. It really is. It's so good to have had that.

It really helps you enjoy when things are easy. Yeah, and you work through all that. There was like the pain and the gain kind of thing. So then I had my main apartment was 8th Avenue between 55th and 56th. Oh, nice. So not a terrible neighborhood. It's a little north of Hell's Kitchen. Right. But three blocks from the park.

Right. It was a nondescript kind of, you know, once in a while there was a bum bashed out in the foyer. It's New York. You know, sometimes with a needle in their out in the foyer. It's New York. You know, sometimes with a needle in their leg. You know, you just... It happens.

You know. You're having fun. You know, what... What are you going to do? You're in New York. What are you going to do about that? I mean, I guess I would call the super. Yes, yes. I mean, I guess I don't you know, I would call I would call the super

Yes, he filled me with You would get on it right away. Yeah, he'd come out and a wife beater with chunk let those on and fucking kick them into the street That's what you do. Do you remember Freddie Prince who that was sure? Well? I know Freddie Prince, Jr. You know, but his father his father. Well, I know Freddie Prinze Jr., you know. But his father? His father, I just know from the TV shows and stuff. Okay. Oh, so you do know?

Because I- I know more Freddie Prinze Jr. from She's All That. That's why she jerked off to me. But I was in my prime, I want to be a comedian adolescence when Freddie Prinze was broke. And he was like, it was very different to have like, you know, first of all Puerto Rican. Sure. You know, that was like, they were all, the Liberals were all clapping themselves on

the back. Yeah. We've done a funny young man and the fact that he's from Puerto Rico doesn't make me like him any less. You know, just very like, ooh, we got, and of course that was tragic, he killed himself. I think it was a mistake, I think he was so zonked out. He was depressed and zonked out and just, you know, you can be so fucked up,

you don't really know what you're doing or you, and he could have had a, but when I was starting out, he was, that was a sensation that he went on the Tonight Show, so different, and his big catchphrase was, to the point here, the super. The super was always saying, he's not my job. That was his catchphrase.

It would come back in his act. You know, it would, you know, what do you call it? Callback. Callback, yeah. It was, that was his, hease. It would come back in his act. You know, it would, you know, call back. Call back, yeah. It was, that was his, he's not my job. He's not my job. Now, what, let's talk about, because we've been trying to get to it for 20 minutes, what the hell with this couple with the house in New Jersey? You went back, you said it was a sentimental story. It was. Well, I mean, that's the house I grew up in.

Right. Okay, so. And by the way, what would you do if you found out Freddie Prin Prince Jr. killed himself after you read your 10-year-old poem? OK, so I go back to, so one of my two friends from young childhood, one was my neighbor, and his parents still live there, as they did when I lived there. Is your friend still with us? Or is he no longer with us? I mean, they're still with us. They're in their 90s. Wow, they're still with us. Yes, and they I lived there. Is your friend still with us? Or is he no longer with us?

Yes, he's with us. I mean, they're still with us. They're in their 90s. Wow, they're still with us. Yes, and they're in there. They must be boosted. What do you mean? Vaccine.

What? Oh, the vaccine. The double booster. Yeah, let's not get to that. No, no, no. I don't care about the vaccine at all. Oh, good. Yeah.

Okay, I guess I don't want to like argue that. I don't care. The doctor told me I've had chlamydia enough.. Oh good. I guess I don't want to like you. The doctor told me I've had chlamydia enough. I'm good. So yeah, so he's teased a little younger than me but basically my age we grew up together. What is he doing now? He's a drummer. Oh that's good. Drums and Broadway shows. Beautiful. Very creative guy. Both two creatives and there's two creative neighbors what are the chances? Yeah, yeah, my family and their family were very close. It was great.

When they moved in, before that, there was a cop who beat his wife. My mother had to help. What do you do, not beat your wife? My mother had to help her move. I remember that. It's horrible, but that's what the cops do. That's who you want to be, the cops.

Yeah, that's the second. It's horrific. I'm not pro boned, but it's like, you know, if a guy's hitting his girlfriend in high school, this is who we get for the cops. That's who we get, that's who we want. It's not who we want, but it's like, you know what I mean? What do you want? You want fucking anarchy like you have now,

get the cops out there, start throwing some shit around a little bit. I feel like I'm in the role of the Cinderella Christian after that. Ladies and gentlemen, don't mind my dummy stupido and the stupid things he said. My goal for this podcast is to have Chuck cut more shit from my episode than the Richard Dreyfus one.

Oh no, no, no, we ain't cutting shit. No, don't cut it out, I don't care at all. No, no, no, that's the great thing about a podcast. Look, I mean, none of us can or should say anything, but I feel like there is a difference in the medium. Real time is just a different animal. Sure. It's the one I love the most.

Sure. It's my real baby. But there is a difference in what you can sort of like just brain fart away. That's not a brain fart kind of show. Whereas this is. I mean, I think we know. It's not a brain fart kind of show. Where is this? I mean, I think we know. It's wall to wall.

Yeah, that's why, like, you know, I know you've had him on the show and I'm good friends with Jimmy Kimmel, you know? And when I talk to him and hang out with him, we're fucking dying, laughing, talking about funny shit, but then on the TV show, you know, you have to stay a bit in a box. I get it. It's a produced thing, but that's why with you, it's so awesome to just cut it loose, because this is like what real comedy is. Yeah, and also I wanted to do this

because most people are not political. Yeah. Like, this is great talking to you. I'm in a blast. Yeah, I couldn't care what your political views were. But right, but you wouldn't be right for real time. Right. You know what I mean? Because I don't know how the background politics.

Well, I mean, we could talk at the, you know, yeah, I mean, you don't really have an issue, you know, like that would be the top of the show. Fuck is that, I'm not right for real time. What the fuck is that about? Well, you know what I mean? I can't get on real time now. Because you said you're not political. Yeah, but so what?

I'll come on the show show throw it around a little bit Yeah, that could work to work why not do a little bit I mean that that's what my old show was. Did you ever see that show politically incorrect? Oh, dude, we okay. Everybody wants your shit. Okay, so that was where you we'll mix the experts in with the Why not bring that back every night when you come bring in a fucking idiot and that's me. Well, start talking to fucking someone of these one of these presidential candidates and about the real issues when Bill Burr was on the past when he was on the show at one point he

goes. I feel like I'm in high school and I didn't study for the test. It was and I don't try to do that. But it's just a show, it's a different show for a specific audience that, you know, that's their interest. I'll get on real time one day. One day we'll do it. We'll develop a relationship and then we'll see what happens. You know, that is such a mature attitude.

I'm not sure I would have had that attitude at your age. We'll do it. That's the exact right attitude, which is like let things evolve organically, they will. Let it just happen. And you're totally right about that. That's it. Control the, all I can do Bill,

ready for this, control the output, not the outcome. I'm all about my effort. What the results? I don't know. I'll just try to give you the best I can and we'll see what happens. Well, it's going great for you. I mean, easy for you to say that. You're like selling out radio. That's like not a big thing. Hey, whatever happens, whether I sell 20,000 or 22,000,

I'll just accept it. The good thing about where I'm at. I mean, you're very fortunate that you were born, you know, I mean, you worked, yes, but same as me, like there is a part of comedy you just have to be born with. You can't just want to be a comedian. There are people who do and then Chester's will open schools for comedy and you cannot teach the bottom line of it.

You just can't. Well, it's and it's good too because comedy keeps you humble and there's humility. I think like a lot about life, you know, what my daughter's to know, like, you know, you gotta keep humility and a likability about your life just does that sometimes. Like the same week, you know, September 22nd and September 23rd of last year,

I did Radio City one night and Theoretic MSG the next night. So that's 10, 11,000 tickets I sold, right? Huge. So it's great. Then the very next weekend, the very next weekend I do a show in Vegas. I sold 400 seats out of 2000. So right away, it's just a nice fuck you

where it's like, hey, level, don't think who you are. And it's always like keeping me grounded, you know? Right. No, that's exactly what it is. And your agent should have known that. Yes, he does. He did. But how do you But how do you how do you honestly this is an honest question because you know it's

like you know not given away info but it's like you're obviously doing very well you've you've worked hard for it you you've created the success how do you it I can stay grounded because there are yes I'm doing well in some it's is but I'm not a household name as you've become how do you stay grounded which is the most important part of comedy, is being relatable to the common man? How do you do that at such a high level? I mean-

It's an honest question from my seat. Really? From the dry fish chair. I mean- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Because you're humble and you don't know- Yeah, I mean you're exalted. You're making an issue out of something

that's actually a non-issue. I believe you're sincere, but you're making me too exalted to have this be a problem. There are show business lives that are so exalted, mostly musicians. People just go fucking eight bananas for musicians and music. It reaches you on a primal level and nobody else can really compete. I mean, yes, a handsome movie star, a beautiful movie star, but not even that.

Quite as much as music. I mean, they go apeshit for rock stars and stuff. Like on that level, this question is relevant. But you know, I was in Whole Foods the other day, it was not a problem. No. But no, I understand, but I guess like my point is like writing stand up material specifically, you know,

Elton John or Stephen Tyler can write a song about living the life and people love it, Bruce Springsteen, but you can't write a bit about you know kind of how successful you've been you have to be relatable to the common would you've done a great job of being relatable to the common man despite having immense success with some other comics some of your contemporaries when I watch their latest specials I'm saying I like your old stuff better

because now you're coming out to pyrotechnics and you're talking about your helicopter and the guy who just spent you know $150 to come see you with his wife is like I don't relate to this guy but yet you stayed relatable so that there's you've had to be cognizant of that. Yeah I mean there are different levels people have different ways of marking success. I mean, influence can be success, and money can be success, and numbers can be success. You have huge PA numbers. Right.

In certain markets. I don't play those arenas. But in certain markets. Okay, right. Exactly, but I'm saying. The original 13, that's where I sell. We're back to that. What are you?

I'm Colonial Chrissy. I was just gonna say, are you advocating for support of Retrash Mont? I come out to the National Anthem holding a bayonet. We return to the good old days of 1787. I mean, yeah. No, but I don't, it was just a kind of question, inquisitive question on my part, because it's just,

as someone, a peer of yours, but also looking up to you, I'm like, how do you do that? If I ever got to your level, I wonder how I would react to certain things. Well, you already passed me on one level. How? How many did you sell at? But that's one market in New York City.

Okay, but I'm just saying, it takes many forms. So I don't know, and there's so many things that go into, some people think there's just a giant success if they are doing something that they love. Other people think success is just always working. There's lots of show people like that. They will, you know, game shows or whatever. Not that game shows are bad or something to, you know, to look at. I'm not saying that at all.

But, you know, it's just, or even reality shows. It's just like that to them is success is, I work in this business. Right, right. Okay, I see what you mean. And then some people are just like, their success is my peers respect me. When the players vote, I'm on the All-Star team. You know, that's a type of success. Yes. There's many and then sometimes just like I'm living

baller lifestyle. You know, I got a jet and I got bling and I got houses and tigers. Well I could tell you that I don't want to be presumptuous here but I do feel like I feel like I really like you and I don't want to be presumptuous here, but I do feel like I feel like I'm I really like you And I feel like we'll hang again. I'd like to hang I I can almost guarantee it Yeah, I feel like you're the one who I bet you would be hard to get together with because you have a wife and kids I mean, we're all busy in our careers No, but I would come, I would just come, I would come hang with you,

but I would have to bring 25. And I have a very personal question, you said no limits, right? No limits, dude, you asked me whatever you want. So honestly, truth or dare, honestly, if you wanna do something, just say anything, but let's say this, like go hang out with him, put Omar on a fucking bender for two days in LA.

You have to run everything by your wife, or can you just like say, I'm doing it and that's not up for… I absolutely have zero free will. She 100% rules my life and Bill, make no mistake, if we become friends after this, you will get a text from my wife saying, hey Bill, this is Jasmine, can't wait to hang out with you. Oh. I can't, if I ever came here.

You're gonna give her my number. Dude, if I ever came in here, you would think I was coming with a caravan of Puerto Rican people. I would come in here rolling 40 Puerto Ricans deep and your liberal ass would have to say, open the door, let them in. Because she has many relatives? She built, let me tell you something, I'm going to get home in about two, three days from now.

I'm going to walk into my house. There will be three Puerto Rican people I don't know in the house that are family members. It's a beautiful part of the Puerto Rican culture, which I love very much, but it is honest. There are always multiple family members coming It's a beautiful part of the Puerto Rican culture, which I love very much, but it is honest. There are always multiple family members coming to my house. I have a big house. They come and they hang. I have no problem with it.

What town is your house? Are you in Queens? We were in Queen, we were in Staten Island, but then we moved to Queens. But now I'm thinking about moving back to Staten Island. You lost a bet? No, you know, I fucked up, dude. No, you know, I fucked up.

You know, self-sabotage is a real thing. I don't know if you're a self-sabotager. Oh, I am not. But I've seen it. I saw it in comics. I started with... I guess I could say this about him now because I dearly love him.

And he just died Richard Belzer. And... One of the best hosts of all time at the I heard he was the comedy people talk in New York about he was the host of Catcher Rising Star and the best guy. We called an MC. MC sorry yeah MC yeah. Well it's funny I started just when he was like sort of peeking at Catcher Rising Star he was like the big star waiting to break out to a new. So he kind of took me under his wing.

So like when he had MC duties, which he was doing just because they paid you $50 to do it, he was over it and he didn't want to do it. So he didn't want to show up at nine o'clock to start the show. So I covered for him and he took the money. As the emcee. Yes, because it was his night. Right. And he'd show up in the middle of the night and do an hour or two and then I would, you

know, he'd also leave and I'd do the end. So the place was run loosely like that. Right. So it was good for both of us. Right. But I loved him dearly. Yeah. And, oh, well, oh, self-sabotage. Yes.

There were some times, I mean, he was sort of like touted to be, you know, he was gonna be like the next biggest, like Richard Pryor level. They compared him to Pryor. And he hung around with people like Pryor. They, So cool. They, Chevy Chase, Robin Williams, Christopher Reeve, there was a little gang

there in New York and they treated him as a peer just based on this little 200 seat night club where it was the hip club, catch a rising star, owned by the mob. Sure. Was the rumor. Was the rumor. Rick Newman, the owner. When was that geographically? Was that also a date? First Avenue, between 77th and 78th. Wow. It's now a city MD. Oh, I don't want to even think. It's a Dwayne Reed.

Yeah, it's something horrible. It was great. But Richard Belzer did, I think, he could have had, I mean mean he became famous from the detective shows much more than what he really was a genius at. And I'm telling you, in that club he was a kind of genius, because he was everything. He was kind of Don Rickles, he had that, he would talk to the audience and was like just hysterical and mean, but like never seemed to like, you know, get beat up over it and go through women's purses in the front row. And he had bits. The thing was, he never once

wrote one word down. So, you know, he couldn't do like two shows because he wouldn't remember what he did from the first show. So he had these bits that were recurring. One of my favorite was like, you're just like, he'd be talking about one thing and riffing and he'd be like, and he had a band behind him, the house band always played for Belzer and nobody else, that's why we knew he was the king. So the stage was this big and somehow they fit a piano and a bass and a drummer up there. So he would be like, one of his bit much. Why do all singers give you this move?

Everything will be okay as soon as I get my neck fixed. That's such a silly bit. It was so great. But he would self-sabotage, you're saying? Yes, he would just like not, he had a couple of big ones I think he didn't show up for, that kind of thing, like a big level, there was some gig, like maybe it was the Schaefer Music Festival or something, it was a big gig.

And he didn't show up. But he was not, yes, I think he probably, I don't know, I mean that was a long time ago and I hope he'll know. Fear of success maybe? I felt like that was something, I mean, he was a complicated guy. Right. And, but a beautiful guy.

I mean, he was so warm and brotherly to me. You know, I was 24, 23, yeah, 23 when I got there. He was 35. To me, that was like James Bond. Of course. And he was 35. To me that was like James Bond. Of course. And he was cool. He wore black and Rick Newman, the owner worked black. And Mark Kranz, he was another hip cool guy who wore black. He ran the club and they'd all go out like a

little pack and you know I'd be like, can I come? No. Fucking dweeb from the suburbs in New Jersey. Go back to New Jersey. Yeah, your first year in comedy. Where do you get on the stage once? Yes. So I was not even in that world, but slowly I wormed my way into their hearts.

We are all comics. You can try to be charming in your way. So, Belser was just, I mean, he was something else. He was just, and just would blow you away sometimes with the talent on stage in that setting, but it was just not the kind of thing like moving a baby bird that falls out of the sky that you can transplant.

Right, like, you know, because for somebody, again, like me, comedy fan and all that, like, you know, you stretch all the way back to like the Johnny Carson days. So like you now sitting here, you know, a bit older, more established, do you look back at those Johnny Carson times being like, I cannot believe like, like I did Johnny Carson type, because I did David Letterman.

And for me, even though I loved and I was so appreciative of doing it, for me it's like, oh, okay, I just did David Letterman. Like I care and I'm appreciative, but I'm like, whatever. Sometimes people go, oh, you did Letterman, but is Carson different? Is it like, was Carson different? It was, you know, Carson was the biggest king

late night ever had as far as like the era, there was like three channels. So, you know, he would draw, there was, I think it's top year he routinely, this is like nightly drew 17 million people. Yes, cause there was nothing else to do. There was no video games, there was no fucking phones, there wasn't TikTok and a million distractions,

there weren't 800 networks. There was Johnny or whoever was the sacrificial lamb against them on the other network. And Channel 7 had news or some shit. So you felt it the night you did it, the next night you felt your career. No. It was just another, it was nothing changed.

Something changed psychologically, but it wasn't like, yeah, the next day I'm riding the subway and everybody's like, hey. You're the Carson guy. There was an error where that happened, but you had to do it like David Brenner was kind of the last guy to become a big comedic star

just from the Tonight Show. He never had a sitcom, you know. Right. Yeah, because what's fascinating to me is like you mentioned earlier on the show, and this is just the same with history as it goes. I love history. It's like, you know, you had said like, you know,

in the 70s, people were like, ooh, Freddie Prinze, a Puerto Rican, like trying to kind of shoehorn diversity in no matter what. And be like, look at us, we're heroes, because we're, you know, promoting diversity. And I would think, oh, that just started when I started comedy, but that's been around for 40 years. Just as, you know, 2000 years ago, they were having similar problems to we're having today, but it's been around for 40 years, just as, you know, 2000 years ago, they were

having similar problems to we're having today, but it's just they're wearing different uniforms and have different haircuts and different countries are in power. It's all the same. Some, I mean, 2000 years ago, some of it is the same. Lot of it is not. Well, if you listen to, like, Marcus Aurelius and you read some of that Stoicism stuff, I mean, they're talking about the same bullshit back then as we are today. Well, yes, most of all those ideas, that's true, like basic philosophical ideas, were

probably all thought of like before the time of Christ. And then later on, people added on little things or they argued about them. I mean, a lot of it is people in later centuries arguing about what they wrote, what did Plato mean, and some of it is just plain outdated. Some of it is, I mean, even Plato and Aristotle and Socrates, people, you know, they just, people didn't have the, certainly didn't have the idea that women were equal for a very long time. Yeah, they still don't in Middle Village

where Chuck is from. They still don't in a lot of places around the world. Yes. But in America, you know, that's my, one of my issues with wokeness is like, you're not better than me just because you always think things are worse, right? You actually don't have a good perspective on where on the scale are things perfect? No, and they never will be but really compared to the rest of the world and compared to what we were

10 20 30 40 50 years ago. It's like night and day. I lived through it. If anybody from 100 years ago, no matter what race or religion you were, came alive today, they would be in tears about how great the world has become and how much different things are and how much better things are. Right. So sometimes I'm like,

when I hear people complaining and yelling about our country, I'm like, I heard a guy, I was at a comedy club and I was doing a bit about diversity or whatever. And the guy was like, America's the least diverse place in the world. I said, where are you from? He said Sweden. I said Sweden. It's all fucking white people.

You have zero diversity in that country. What are you talking about? Actually, that bit is outdated, I hate to tell you why because Sweden allowed a substantial number of Syrians and Afghanistan folks from those two wars. And it's not. So now it's 99.8% white. Yeah. And it's not gone all that smoothly.

Yes, not great. As far as like, this is amazing. What's in my spill? Is this free? It's free, I see. You're not drinking any tequila. I'm the only one drinking tequila. Yeah.

I don't even know how to light this. I'm not a good with lighters. Can you light it for me? Yeah. Thank you. I got weird thumbs, look at that. The thumbs, I don't know how to fucking light shit What is that? Is that the Ridge wallet? What is that? That is a

Cigarette case what I feel like it's so sophisticated and yet it cost eight bucks on Amazon. That's it Amazon's the king Let me tell you I'd like to fucking suck off Jeff Bezos Who would it right you? You ever meet him? This is... Jeff E.B.? Yeah, oh yeah. He's probably a fan of you. I bet you Bezos is a fan of you.

He texts me from time to time when... Jeff E.B., he's a good man. I mean, I've seen him... For the right price, I'll fucking promote Alibaba all day though. Am I sucking on this side? Yeah. Here it is.

You do know the basics of your light one side and suck one side. That hasn't changed. I was a basketball player so I would get drug tested. I don't want to let my father down. My father was a guy. My father's a good man. He used to come from Staten Island. Ready for this? Take a guy. My father's a good man. He used to come from Staten Island. Ready for this?

Take a ferry, two buses to come see me where I live with my mother in Ridgewood. And then he didn't have a job. And he wanted me to make the NBA, even though I was a scrawny white kid with psoriasis. He would want me to make the NBA. We would shoot 1,000 jump shots a day. 1,000 jump shots a day. 1,000 jump shots a day. And my father, with his two bum knees, would go get the rebounds at Farmers' Oval Park in Ridgewood

and he had a broom that he would hold up to mimic like seven foot NBA sized guys. So my father, he was very kind of, want you to play basketball. He wanted to play for the New York Yankees, didn't make it of course, and he wanted me to play ball, so I would never did drug.

What's the highest you ever got in the world? I was a division three, so the third division, but I was an all-American. So one of the top 10. In college. In college. So I played,

like I was, in my neighborhood, I was the kid that played ball. Right. So much to the point where my friends from the neighborhood would come see me do comedy. They were like, you don't talk about playing basketball. That was your, that's what we knew you as, as the after. I'm sure you're really, really good.

I mean, I play, I have a court here, I play every day. Let's play. But I'm sure you're real, yeah, I would. Yeah. I'm sure you're really good. And would. Yeah. I'm sure you're really good and it's the kind of the way sometimes you see somebody singing like in a restaurant and they're like, wow this band is awesome. Right. And they're in a restaurant. In the same way you can be like such an amazingly good athlete. Right.

Still not good enough. Right. To play on the professional level. So you broke your father's heart, you fucking prick. I'm a piece of shit. And instead I went into comedy, which to him is an art form, so I might as well have just been blowing the microphone. Really, he thinks show business is gay? That is really old school. He did, but he's come around now.

He's not first generation, is he? No, no, no, no, he's been here. Second, third generation. It's been here. Second, third generation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But from Italy. He's first generation Rikers Island. And, And,

Rikers Island, yeah. So he's, you know, it's great to have a parent, at least, you know, I get it. One thing I learned about embarking on this career is the people who are the closest to you, who love you the most, are gonna probably be the least confident in you because they are so worried about you not making it

and they just want what's best for you. Okay, but now you did make it. They might, you know. But I'm saying, I don't disparage my mother or my family for in the beginning trying to talk me out of it. Right. Because they were just worried, they wanted what's best for me. At that point I was like Matt, you know, I was upset.

But my father from the beginning was always like Chris, I have your back 100%. So I still to this day remember that like he was the guy sitting front row at the Maui Taco when I was doing open mics, you know, for nobody and I was a loser. He was like, I got your back, which I respect about him. And but that's why I made such a point about my parents and giving them their props. They respected you because it's not your thing is the more usual story. Parents are usually like, come on, that's a pipe dream. Yes.

How many people are going to, whereas my parents just let it happen. And like, they knew like saying, no, what are they going to say? First of all, I wasn't asking for money. Right. But they could have been like, oh, make something of your life. It goes quickly. You know, you're going to wake up in 10 years. And you, no, they just let it play out.

And I was on The Tonight Show three and a half years later. That answer your question about The Tonight Show was what were great about the Tonight Show. To your family, now you're in show business. Got it, right. It's like, that was like your graduation ceremony. Right. So for that reason, it was, you know, but it doesn't like make you a story.

It didn't in that era. You had to like, we all, all the comics, I started, we all wanted to get on a sitcom. That's what it was. That was it. It was, everything was in addition to something else. Right. And doing the Tonight Show was in addition

to get on a sitcom. Right, where now that's in my generation. And that's exactly what happened. Yeah, now. It was my, the 80s was sitcoms and silly movies. Yeah, yeah, now that's like, now it's like, I still want to do that stuff, but I know that it doesn't have the power it once was,

but I don't wanna do things to make money. I wanna do this. But do you wanna act? Is that it? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you sure? In my household, everybody loves Raymond, Ray Romano. That was the guy.

That was everybody. From my neighbor, there were two guys, Ray Romano and Colin Quinn. Everybody was like, Ray Romano sounds like us, Colin Quinn sounds like us. These were the guys. I love Ray. I don't know him that well.

Just had him on real time. Mm-hmm. Well, he made real time. Well, he had him. Yeah. Well, you know what? Fucking guy. He resisted it all these years.

And he was, and he's a huge devoted watcher. But he was like, I don't think I'm smart enough. But he had any of course plenty smart enough so are you yeah, if you're not interested in it. Why don't I come on and just start massaging the gas. I've been back to the physical therapy about that what about that's the bit I start fucking stretch and out and this is we're going to do we're going to do a gym teacher theme show

to we've got. Jim Jordan. We've got, who's the Jim Jordan? Yeah. We've got Dennis Astor. Yeah. We've got some of the Olympic coaches who went to prison. Yeah. It was just gym teachers. I'll come in there. I'll give fucking Mark O'Ruby a fucking tune up.

But who was I just saying? Oh, Ray Romano, I love him. Great, Ray Romano. And him. Great Ray Romano. And he had a movie, I just saw it, I liked it a lot. He's owned it in the neighborhood, Queens. But you know it's about the kid who's a basketball player. His son. It's very similar to your story.

He's a guy, see this is, I learned a valuable lesson. I learned a valuable lesson for the failure. Failure, I think, I want, I have children, so I want my kid, as much as a parent, you wanna protect them. I know that failure is good for them. The biggest failure I ever had is I had a sitcom pilot, CBS sitcom pilot.

2016, we filmed the whole thing, you know, Les Moonves was calling me personally on the phone telling me I'm gonna be the next guy that introduced me to Kevin James, they introduced me to Ray Romano. They said, this is CBS Royalty. This is where your show's gonna go. Chaz Pimentieri playing my father,

Annie Potts playing my mother, Diane Guerrero playing my wife. It was like the big, we were like, we're coming out strong. I had sold the show in the room to CBS, NBC, ABC, buying it in the room. I'm with the guys who created how I met your mother. CBS Royalty, I'm like, holy shit, this is gonna happen.

So we're going. What was the show about? The show was about my life. My life is with my girlfriend Jasmine. We, you know, very quickly, the second, third date, she conceived our daughter, our daughter, my eight year old. Yeah, right away. We met at this bar called Place to Beach.

I met her, I could not pull out, there's no way you could pull out, she's so beautiful. Then I was just like, bang, cannot happen. She said, Boppy, I let it fly. And she, and I don't wear condoms. I see. You know, how could you? Well, again, kids, my dummy.

Yes, I did. My dummy. Now apologize to the nice people. My dummy. Listen, if you're having sex with a condom, are you really having sex? Come on. And so as we all are, as I said, but- I was just going to say, you go there with that gross shit.

Too much, right? This is why my family's now proud of me. Are you on my mother's side now? Always been squeamish about shit and fart jokes. That's the last dirty joke I'm proud of me. I've always been squeamish about shit and fart jokes. That's the last dirty joke on the topic. I apologize, but. Lots of stuff doesn't bother me, but like, yeah. They're done.

That's the last one. That's my one issue with like family guy and Seth and I have talked about it many times. Like he loves shit and fart jokes. And I hate to like see a pile of shit. Yeah. And they think it's hysterical. Seth MacFarlane to me is one of the Seth MacFarlane, the guys, Seth MacFarlane and the guys who created South Park, those two guys are such comedy geniuses that they don't even get nominated for awards anymore because it's just

like everybody else but those two because they're just head and shoulders above everybody. That's always a dangerous thing to do. What do you think when you name 2 people in the same like I've had that happen to me. I just read a funny thing David mammoth said about it and one of his books and he was like whenever somebody comes up to me and says

you know I love what you're doing, you're just the best, you and, and then they mention another person. And he said, and it's always someone who I just fucking hate. You think Seth MacFarlane doesn't like Trey Parker and Matt Stone? I have no idea, but I'm just saying. You're so similar.

Again, I've had it happen to me and I've thought ill of it. No, Bill. Look, I love Captain... Kangaroo? No, what is it? Captain America. Team America. Team America.

Everybody has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. Oh, Team America World Police is one of the all-time Amazing. Greatest movies, hysterical. I'm amazed it still gets shown. It still comes on. It's amazing. Because it's very politically incorrect.

So I give them all that credit. I never really got into the show, not because, mostly because I haven't given it a chance. Because I was friends with Seth from way back. And I was like, no, I'm team family guy. And so like, let's just say I saved it. I mean, someday, because people do oftentimes say, you would like Seth Barak and I'm sure I would,

because I loved Team America. It's amazing, and it's one of those things where like, yet again on a podcast, I've regrettably said something about someone I love in a weird way. I love Seth MacFarlane. I love what he, again, he's a comedy genius. If I ever saw him in the street, I would never ever say that I love him.

I would walk the other way and fucking dive into traffic because I would never want to even bother him. Like, I'm that guy. I'm the guy who like, if I love you, I would never even, I wouldn't say a word because I'm like, I don't wanna bother you at all and then I would just push it down

and give myself high blood pressure about how I'm not a more strong-willed person and just tell the person I like that I like them. Why can't you fix these problems about yourself? I could, if you go to betterhelp.com slash Bill Maher. No, I know. We all have things like that. We're talking about self-sabotage.

I feel like Bill, and help me with this, I feel like I'm a guy who when I have peace, like when I have peace at home with my family, when I have peace at financial freedom, I look for the chaos. And for example, I had peace at home. Last year I had peace. I had a house with a great mortgage rate in a great area.

It was the house of our dreams. And I said, you know what? Let's sell this house on Staten Island so we can move to Queens so I can walk to a bagel store. I feel like I like this house in Staten Island, but you know what? I can't walk or get a coffee and that's really important for my creative process.

So now I'm in a situation where I'm gonna buy another house that's twice as much money, that's half the size, that's twice the mortgage rate. And my family has looked at me and said, Chris, why the fuck, dad, why did we leave this beautiful thing we have? And I have to kind of face the music of I self-sabotage and it used to be I'm just hurting myself but now I'm hurting members of my family

and I want to try to correct that. It's you're very fortunate that you're self-sabotaging with such a cushion. It's one thing to self-sabotage with no cushion. It's another thing to self-sabotage with, you know, mortgages that are less advantageous than others, but you're still living there. Right. You know? I mean, I remember...

But self-sabotage is... Yeah, no, that's... I mean, if it's really just to get a... It's beautiful that you don't... ...get a bagel, I mean, that is kind of weird. I don't know. I mean, I'd have to see where you lived in Satin Island. I want you to sleep over.

Well, we know that's not gonna happen. Why not? Oh, no. Bill, you would never do it? I would never do it, anywhere. I would never do Aaron B or no. You'd rather, when you go to another place, are you in a hotel or you're in Airbnb? Of course.

Not an Airbnb. What? What are you, a fucking migrant? Yeah, exactly. Like what am I, yeah, please, let me wash your pubes off the soap. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Eric Adams. I just, I don't, look, I don't get so many things about what you kids are doing, but that's really not...

Am I a kid to you? I'm 39. I'm grown. No, but I... Chuck was telling me I'm 39. He doesn't realize how young I am. I feel like my youth is ending now and my late service. Well, you're middle age. I am, am I middle age?

Of course. At 39, where were you at in your life and career? What were you doing? Do you remember? Politically, no, it's blank. 35 to 42, I don't know. Yes, I remember. What were you doing at 39?

Well, it was the third year of Politically Incorrect. It was doing really well for Comedy Central. The next year it would be our last year, then we went to ABC. So we were right in the middle of a good groove. Is that the year I was, okay, I was still living in New York, which I did not like. That's, oh, good. You got me back to New York. That's the second time this now. Okay. So the first time I lived on 8th Avenue between 55th and 56th, okay, across from the blimpies where I ate all the time. Love blimpies. They're defunct now.

I'm sure they are. There's no blimpies anymore. They all the time. Love blimpies, they're defunct now. I'm sure they are. There's no blimpies anymore. I like a good quiz note sometimes. But then in the 90s when I moved back to do politically incorrect. In New York. Because it was in New York, yes. It was HBO Downtown Productions,

their production company, and it was on Comedy Central, which was a new network with very little programming. Down on Hudson Street, was it? No, it was 23rd Street, was the studio. On the east side, Lexington, non-descript, but fine. So I would walk New York. Walking 30 blocks is not a big deal breaker if it's night.

You get your steps in it. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so that time, okay, so now it's the 90s, I'm older, I'm doing better, I've got a TV show, I still fucking hate it in New York. And I still never, I mean, I don't like, no, there look, it's my home, it's my home base, it's where my father worked, it's where my family's from,

but, and there are things I do love about it, but I never liked the weather. Right, okay. Too cold in the winter the winter, too muggy in the summer. My father used to say, there's 10 nice days a year. He ain't wrong. Okay, so then I don't like living in a building. I really don't like, it's just gross knowing there are people on the other side of a fucking wall.

It's, I know you're there. It just because there's this piece of one between us. I know you're pissing in the sink. I mean, whatever. It's just, it's a rope. Roaches, you can't stop roaches in New York buildings. And you can't, well, in my first apartment, I remember waking them up sometimes crawling on me.

Of course. So. You had a bathtub in the living room. Well, that was a different apartment. The one, that apartment oddly, although it didn't really have, yes, no shower, barely a toilet, really just a hole and a chain.

But it did not have roaches on 99th Street. Well, you look like you keep a good house. But the 8th Avenue one really was so disgusting. Disgrous, yeah. The 8th Avenue is still pretty gross. No, I mean the Roach situation. I mean, because you're, again, everyone in the building has to be perfect with their trash.

And they're not gonna do that? No, and the rats are in the walls, and I mean the Roaches or whatever. Super, it's not my job. Yeah, exactly. You can see how that was a great, yeah, very great. Well, it's just a great exit line, great. Well, it's just a great exit line. Yes

Recurring yes, my job is not my job. You know your girlfriend says, but he is not my job You just move it all around the cows. It's amazing Let me see this spell if you don't mind Do you what is in what is what do you think has been the worst year of your life? Is there one that sticks out? Great question, Merv. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

The worst year, I would have to say it would be the year where I was most depressed, traumatized, and that would be when I was 17, Okay. When my first girlfriend dumped me. Why'd she dump you? Cause I was acting like a dick. She was right to dump me. Okay. I had become like bored and complacent. Right.

And being young did not know how to fake it. Right. Like we all do. So that was a traumatizing year for you. The incredible, to this day, and I'm gonna be 68 next week. You're gonna be 68? That's what I hear.

Bill, you look incredible. Well. No, no, no, no, Bill, Bill, let me tell you something right now. Oh please. Let me tell you something right now. I'm on the floor, like your boy, Richard Dreyfus, emotionally, that you are 68 years old. Okay, I didn't.

Holy shit. Thank you. No, no, no, dude, you look fantastic. Are you on Osempic? Tell us the truth. No, I'm not. I'm Osempic. Dr. Drew.

But to this day, I've had nothing more ever, more traumatic ever happen to me. And I've had pretty shitty things, but not. I've also been very lucky. So 51 years ago was your most dramatic year? Yes, because. That's beautiful. Because.

Good for you. I was like the first time you get dumped after you think, oh, I'm gonna be with this person and this is my girlfriend. And I just, it came as such a shock because you're just so young and stupid. Sure. So it's not like when you're an adult and you are a little more aware, the more times

you enter into a relationship on the poor side of it, the more you in a way debase how unique it is. Right. Whereas if you marry the first person you ever kiss and you know you don't ever perhaps. I don't ever know any different. Right. It's pathetic.

But people do. Yeah. So what's the best year of your life then? If you can imagine with all the everything you've lived through, if 51 years ago was the worst, then what would you say if you had to single it out is the best? That's really hard because at different points in your life, different things are important. So it's a little like comparing Babe Ruth and Aaron Judge.

You know, you could, but Babe Ruth played when they weren't night games. Right, the dead ball era. Well, he changed that, you could, but Babe Ruth played when they weren't night games. Right. The dead ball era. Well, he changed that. But yes, there was the dead ball era and also little mitts. They didn't they didn't wear real big gloves or mitts like the other oven gloves. Yeah. Well, they were with literally a mitt. So no wonder they caught less balls. You know, Babe Ruth's lifetime batting average is 342.

If he played today, it would be 100 points lower. Of course. So it's a little like that, comparing how you felt in your 30s because every decade you probably have. Okay, so what's been your best deck? Would you say, if you could, let's say you live to 100, which you might, because you look like a guy who might freeze himself. Let's say, would you possibly pull a Walt Disney?

No, but I'm certainly counting on AI to step up and, and, and solve this age thing. I think so. But, but I'm, would you say your best decade, if you could go back to any decade, would it be your 60s or 50s, your 40s? It was this one, because, This one, that's very interesting. I'm telling you, Bill, and a lot of people, I cannot believe you're 68. You are fantastic. I mean, I had, like maybe when I was in love in X year or X year, you know, and relationships tend to have a curve of like, you know, where they

kind of keep getting better and then, you know, at a certain point, you know, it's very hard to keep the passion at its boil level, especially if you start out that way like you did without a condom. Right away. Right away. I made it where from the first moment we met, I was like, there's no getting out of this. We are having a baby. Really?

You know what it was? That your opening line? You know what it was? You ready for this? I'm going to be vulnerable and honest with you right now. You ready for it was? And this is where the self-sabotage comes in and I don't regret it. When I met my girlfriend, the first moment I saw her, I was like, I felt a connection and a passion that I cannot explain.

Where I was like, it was something that fell from the cosmos and this is 10 years later, so I know it's real. So I felt something and I said, and when she told me, when she told me in the first 10 minutes, cause she's an excellent mother, that she had a child already, she had a four-year-old son. I felt like, and that kid's father was still in her life,

I felt like the only way I was gonna feel significant to her is if her and I had a child too. So most people say, because I was already, you know, doing well enough, I was already on TV, whatever. Not selling major tickets, but I was already like, doing okay. People think the story is, oh, she must have trapped you. She had a kid from somebody else already.

She had a, you know, okay job. She trapped you other way around, my friend. I trapped her because I knew. Why do anyone need to trap another person? Why aren't we starting off on a bad power dime right there? You cold? That not after you get to know me. Okay, no, you're bundled up right now.

Isn't it kind of cold in here? No. Dude, you're a 68 year old woman. But, what? No, it's always been that way. Damn, Mark. No, no, no, who care? Oh, look, look, I remember. We're done? No, we're always been that way. Damn. No, no, no. Who care? Look, I remember.

We're done? No, no, you're not done. I'm just saying, I usually forget to do this. Are these mine? January 27th. Let me read them. Let me read them. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll see it's potluck.

You'll see one of us. Okay, if you like both of us, I said you can't lose. But January 27th, San Diego, at the San Diego Civic Theatre. That sounds like you, but it could be me. February 16th and 17th, Las Vegas. Oh, this is me, David Copperfield Theatre at the MGM Grand. And March 2nd, Houston, the Hobby Center. And March 3rd, El Paso,

the Plaza Theatre Performing Arts Center. And where are you performing, Chris? There it is, Bill Maher on David Copperfield Theatres on the Epstein List tour. Who cares, right? Where am I, Bill? Yeah, where are you playing? I'll tell you where I'm not is real time with Bill Maher.

Oh, well, I thought you were into the organic. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Organically. I'm kidding. No, Bill, listen to me. Here's the thing. Maybe you fuck into the organic. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Organically. I'm kidding. No, Bill, listen to me. Here's the thing. Maybe you fuck on the first date, but I don't.

Okay, my friend. Listen, if you were Puerto Rican, I'd be fucking you right now. And, well, I'll be, you ready for this, folks? You ready for where I'll be? February, listen to me. Come out. February 2nd, the Rhyman Auditorium in Nashville. Ah, I played there many times.

Legendary place, beautiful. Love it. And then February 3rd, the Warner Theater in Washington, DC. And then February 8th, the Grand Sierra Resort, Reno, Nevada, and I'll tell you what, folks, I'll be open with you right now. I need your help. I'll tell you what, it's no fucking radio city.

The ticket sales are 50% sold, if that. Well, that's very honest. I've never quite heard anyone do a plug like that. That's refreshingly kind of beautiful. Either come to the show or I kill myself on stage. It's your choice, plug it on your hands. That's a very interesting way to do it. In fact, you might think about actually

putting a gun to your head. But wait, let them. I'll be rock hard on stage. But let them see you put a a bullet in there at least give them a shot. Let's do it and Then what am I doing? Am I sleeping over or what? No, I'm hanging out in the house. Yeah, do you have to go somewhere? No, okay. I'm supposed to what are you out here for? What are you? Are you doing? I'll do a Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow. I came out here for you I swear to God I came out here when they told me when Chuck reached out, I came out here to do this.

And then this Friday, I'm doing the Magnolia Theater out in San Diego. And then Saturday, I'm doing the well turn. That's awesome. That's a great kid. Well, you ever do the well turn? No, I don't think I've ever done the well turn. Well, it seems like I'm not doing it either.

I'm about 30% sold. I'm done the Nokia. That's about 6,000. And you sold that puppy? Yes, I did. Yeah, the fact that, buddy, I'm telling you, look at my LA ticket sales and we are not the same. Can I say something about, I know Jimmy and Aaron Rodgers,

both have sat there, both my friends, I know they're beefy. I love them both, yeah. And you know, I gotta say, Jimmy Kimmel is one of the sweetest, nicest guys, and I feel like I've not been as nice to him as he's been to me. I really mean that. I really think he's an awesome guy.

He's such a sweet guy. I mean, there's a reason why he has had the success he's had. And that was my old time slot, you know, that we did a switch. That was a hot slot. Jimmy is one of those guys who I've got to know him very well. Taking me under his wing a bit. I know he has.

And he's a really, really great guy. He really is. And a comic first. When all that Aaron Rodgers shit went down and all that stuff, like I thought he handled it good. And I texted him J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets, Jets, and he wrote back L-O-L. Because he's just a good dude.

Yes. You know, he's a good dude. Here's, and here's where, again, so that's Jimmy. I mean, I just think he's such a great guy. And again, you don't last that long, unless there's something innately about you that the audience, especially in these kind of jobs where you're just speaking directly,

you're not reading cards. I mean, there's things we do as a bit off the prompter, but generally you're just speaking. They have to feel like there's something they like about you, something that's real. And what he is comes across as just what he is, a great, funny, kind guy. So it bothers me that he's beefing with Aaron. And Aaron was, look, I love Aaron. You know him personally as well.

Well, he sat there. We are some pot of go on medical matters. Right. Jimmy, I am not. And that's okay. We don't know how to agree. I think Jimmy is way too captivated by orthodox ideology. And science is not religion. It's ever changing and should be looking at different ideas. And I think he's, that's my opinion, that he's way too indoctrinated into a certain mode of thinking and just ask Dr. Fauci, he has all the answers. And it is really, let's not to get into it. I've done it on many podcasts, but it's just not my way of thinking.

Aaron should not have made that original comment about Epstein. And you know, whether it's technically true what he said, I mean, technically actionable what he said or not, you know, Link. And also Jimmy Kimmel is like the last guy in the world. Yeah. Who would fucking be I might be. Yes. I wouldn't. Well, Middle Village doesn't think you were on there. What?

Middle Village Police does not think you were on there. No, I wouldn't be on there, but the idea that Jimmy Kimmel would be on that plane in that company, just first of all, he's a very successful guy. He's not a VAT stature. No. I mean, no offense, but he he's not, he's a very successful guy. He's not a that stature. No. Yeah. I mean, no offense, but he's just not of that stature. And he's not into, you know, creepy stuff.

Listen, I know Jimmy, you know, relatively well. He's, again, a genuine dude, a guy who, as I've said, when you get to know him personally, like if he had a podcast like you, it would be shooting the shit. It would be like Jimmy is one of the funniest guys you talk to, a guy, a guy. There's no way.

Even some of the people who online, who on social media, are like, you know, buy into the bullshit about Jimmy. It's like, if you knew Jimmy, you'd realize he thinks just like you, he acts just like you. He's just a great guy, funny guy. Well, he doesn't think just like me. He's way... Well, he thinks differently than you. I'm just a great guy. Well, he doesn't think just like me. He's way… Well, things differently than you.

I'm talking about the guys from Middle Village. He's to the woke of me. Right. Which is fine. And again, that is fine. Because that's America. That's the beautiful part of our country is that we can have kind of differences of opinion. Exactly.

And Russia, you can't do that. Especially when they're… Slight slider differences than the major ones. Like, we both don't want Trump to be president. Right. Okay. I do. You do? And that's okay. No, I don't.

I don't know. If you wanna be full. Yeah. Donald Trump, the thing is in New York for like- Queens Boy. Queens Boy, he's a Queens Boy. Donald Trump, when we is in New York for like... Queens boy. Queens boy, he's a Queens boy. Donald Trump, when we were little kids, there was a festival on Cross-Bade Boulevard. Like the festival of San Gennaro and his Don Cheech dispensing favors.

Yes. Is that really... We call it the Festival of January 6th. No, no, there was a festival. When we were little kids, okay, everybody, this is true. In Queens on Cross-Bade Boulevard out in Howard Beach, there was a festival. When we were little kids, okay, everybody, this is true. In Queens on Cross Bay Boulevard out in Howard Beach, there was a Howard Beach kind of festival, like fucking sausage and pepper stands

and Ferris Bills and all that. Where's Howard Beach like it related to Jones Beach? How, so Jones Beach is Long Island, Howard Beach is Queens. So further in. Howard Beach is like the Italian, real old school Italian neighborhood. And at that festival. So further in. Howard Beach is like the Italian real old school Italian neighborhood and at that festival. With the beach.

Right. I would always go, you know, my dad would take me and my family, we would always go and as little kids, John Gotti, old mob boss, that's where he lived, his stomping grounds, he owned Howard Beach and Donald Trump would always be there. And John Gotti and Donald Trump to a little kid, to a little 10-year-old kid, were awesome. Shaking hands, cotton candy, whatever you want. So the thing is, when you're from New York and the neighbor that I'm from,

all of us have like at some point in our life been around an event where Donald Trump has been there and he is a very, very, very in-person likable man. Totally. I met him twice. Yes. Once, the playboy mentioned, it was the Midsummer Night's Dream Party. Yes. So everyone is in either lingerie or men, some sort of sleeping attire.

Sure. And he had the power suit on. Yes. Walking around, did like a lap. Yes. In the power suit. Yes. And yes, I agree. He. Yes. In the power suit. Yes. And yes, I agree.

He was, and I've heard so many people say this in person, he was charming. Charming. In the sense that, and what is the definition of charming? Somebody who's interested in you. Right. And that's what we think is charming. And he was. It was like, you know, how you doing what, I mean, that is a way that a salesman ingratiates himself.

Right. But yeah, he was not the monster we saw so many times. I've made a choice, and again, this is just my choice. I'm not saying people at home should do this, but just my choice as a human being. If I don't know you personally, or if I've never met you, I don't really have an opinion on you. I can't go by the edited versions that the media shows me.

Like now I know you as Bill Maher. And I sat down with you for two hours and I'm like, you know what Bill? I like you, man. I was in your presence. I like you. I can't tell you if I like Zelensky. You're moving your jeans like you have a fake leg. Like it got blown off a numb.

And I don't know Zelensky. I don't know Joe Biden. I, to be honest, don't even know Donald Trump. So I can't tell you I have an opinion on them. I have an opinion on Jimmy Kimmel. I have an opinion on you. And I can tell you you're great guys because I've met you and I like you.

Well, okay. I like you too, but that's ridiculous. You absolutely can have an opinion on people in politics. But how do I know? Because there are certain things that they do that get reported in a newspaper, certain things that are incontrovertible, including quotes. But how do I know that you didn't, not you,

but the media didn't edit that and take words out? Okay, that's a crazy level of paranoia. I have many, many issues with the New York Times, but when they quote someone directly, I trust the New York Times is quoting the words exactly as they can. They are not doctoring it. So now.

But a clip, sometimes a clip online on Twitter. No, what they can do. They're leaving out words or. No, what they, that's Twitter. Ton. Well, yes, that's why you should read a newspaper instead of get it from social media, because they can fuck with it that way. Now, what they can do in the New York Times, and what they do do, is

editorialize in the article. It should be reserved for the editorial page, but they do it on the front page and every page. So does the New York Post in the opposite direction. One of them is conservative and just gives you the conservative point of view, and one of them slants everything toward the liberal, democratic, and very often very woke point of view. And you, yeah, so they will quote the accurate thing somebody says, but the editorial part comes in with, well, he said four things. Which one do we print?

If you print one of them, it makes them sound stupid. If you print another one, maybe it sounds reasonable. Those kind of decisions are made, and they do affect how you see somebody. That's why you can't get news only from one source, unless you want to be in a bubble. And I do not want to be in a bubble. And my whole success, really, is about breaking through that bubble and being the anti-bubble guy. I don't have a team.

That's why I don't have a lot of support in, you know, like I will never get nominated for anything or, you know, never put me on a cover of a magazine, things like that, because that's like the establishment I Am not playing in there, but that's a safer and better way to go. It's more appease You know, it's a sacrifice. That's worth it. But but you have you what with the valuable lesson that I was getting to that I learned with this sitcom pilot that failed. Okay, I didn't have it didn't go is what the valuable lesson that I was getting to that I learned with this sitcom pilot that failed, okay, it didn't go, is what the valuable lesson I learned

is that you cannot put your hands, you cannot put your career in the hands of the media or the networks, you have to put it in the hands of your fans and you've done an excellent job of that. Is your fans are the ones who uphold you? Because as you said, you're not getting nominated for these things, but your fans don't give a crap. They're supporting you for you and that's a beautiful thing.

And I think we both understand you could not possibly do both. I could not possibly speak the way I do that makes them such loyal fans. And also be with Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. It's just two different universes. And I'm not picking on her, also be with Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. It's just two different universes. And I'm not picking on her, but I mean like there are people who are woke approved

and safe and then there are people who are the opposite of that. I noticed that they are mulling having Ricky Gervais back, which would be awesome because he is not. He is the one. I gotta give him a lot of props to be even considered. And he won the award this year, because he's out there as far as like,

you know, upsetting the woke apple cart. As a comedian, and I would assume you would agree, as a comedian to me, there is nobody better served for that Golden Globe spot. If we're just talking about Comedy Spits, then Ricky Gervais. The best, the best he was so great at. Ricky Gervais, when his shows, his scripted shows, when I watch Afterlife, when I watch Derek,

when I watch his version of The Office, I look at him and I say, you know, there's the Ray Romano's, there's the Jerry Seinfeld's, but when I watch Ricky Gervais, I say, you know, there's the Ray Romanos, there's the Jerry Seinfelds, but when I watch Ricky Gervais, I say that is a man. I as a comedian, I love his style and I love his unapologetic version of him. And that's a guy in that world, in that scripted world, I would kill for a chance to work with Ricky Gervais. To me, he's the best to ever do the scripted chill,

in my opinion, subjective opinion. Like the office. Yes, and Derek and the afterlife, his show Afterlife on Netflix to me was groundbreaking for me. It's the only comedy show that spoke to me as an adult where I was like, this man is just kind of helping me through depression and anxiety. And great that he can do that and still then do stand-up at such a high level.

Because that's something most, you know, Woody Allen, you know, was a great stand-up. But he didn't do it, you know, one year past when he became a filmmaker. Well, Bill, yeah. It was like, I want making films. I'm not going back to my high school. Well, that's the thing too about you. That's what the respect, at least from the comedy crew, about you is we know that you don't financially have to do stand-up, but you do it for the love of it.

And there's a deep appreciation in my seat and the driver's seat for you because of that. And I think the fans too, the fans who come, who are big fans of you know, you don't have to be performing anywhere. You don't have to do any of this, but you do it for the love, and there's a deep appreciation I have for that.

It's also for me almost like, you know, they always say you need a hobby. Now, that's, don't take that the wrong way, like I'm denigrating stand-up, like, oh, it's just a hobby. No, it's what I started out doing. Okay, it's the goose that laid the golden egg. And, you know, I feel like I've never been better at it. I mean, you asked me before about like, Carson, did you look back and hate it? Yeah, I hated some of the jokes I was doing. Because I got better.

But when you're younger, they let you get away with it. You're adorable, I guess. I don't know what it was, but some of them were funny. Some of them make me cringe. But that's the, I think, kind of thing about a great comic, is you, to Louis C.K., to Bill Barr, would look back at their old material and be like, ugh, cringe because you've evolved.

You know, if you're not looking back at your stuff from 10 years ago and not, and if you're looking back and be like, that was great, then you haven't evolved. No, see, I'm older than you. 10 years ago, I was good. 20 years, I'm talking about, you know, I started at 23. You know, I did my first HBO as a half hour special.

I looked at this funny stuff and all of it. It's just, and again, it's apropos of my age sometimes. I mean, I was in my late... 68. I was in my late 20s. Dude, you're my Harriet Tubman. So the stuff I was talking about was sometimes very different than what I would talk about today. And also, you just don't have the gravitas to speak about politics when you're in your

20s. You haven't earned the right yet. You haven't earned the right. And the audience is correct. You haven't. You haven't lived enough. Well, that's why the Golden Globes just happened. That's why I think Rick at your base is perfect for that. And to be honest, you would be good at that if you ever wanted to. Oh, I was so good. They would never dare.

No, because you're all contemporaries with these people when you have a guy, other people, who like the celebrities may not know, even if they're big names, it's like it's a tough thing because It's like, you got to be contemporaries with these people. But these people are very indoctrinated. Look, I love my show business compatriots. It's a wonderful business. Thank you Jesus for putting me in it, but I believe in Jesus by the way. We'll talk about that. Oh I'm reading the case for Christ by Lee Straubel. It's convincing evidence. Thank you Jesus for putting me in it. I believe in Jesus by the way, we'll talk about that. Oh.

I'm reading Case for Christ by Lee Straubel. It's convincing evidence. What do you think? I throw people out of the club here if they believe in whatever you want. I didn't, I went to Catholic School my whole life but after reading this book, Case for Christ by Lee Straubel, the factual evidence that he existed

is kind of overwhelming. I'd like to see that because the factual evidence that he existed has always been underwhelming. In fact, it's already... We're going to case for Christ. Yeah, I will. Give it a shot by Lee Schrobel. This is based on what?

Archaeological finds? Archaeological finds. No one's... Theological finds. Ivy... What are theological finds? The... Bill, ready for this? Yeah.

The... If I told you, okay, if I told you factual evidence about Alexander the Great, you would believe me. Okay, but even still, it's a silly point because who cares if Jesus lived? It's whether he's then died and was reborn and is, you know, up in heaven with his father who's really him. Okay. That's the part where the rubber meets the road. Maybe he existed. I agree. That's absolutely possible.

He may have existed. But according to Case for Christ, independent sources who didn't know each other, who wrote about him within 20 years of his death, talked about these miracles happening as in real time. Okay, well, again. And Alexander the Great's biographers, the earliest one was like 100 years after he died.

Chris, I'm gonna have to burst your bubble now because here's, I have to spit a couple of facts at you that are kind of under, okay. There's only two sources in the Bible. There's the four Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. There's also another guy, Josephus, who wasn't accepted, but read the case for Christ. Not in the Bible. But the Bible is itself an anthology.

They found some few decades ago, the Dead Sea Scrolls, which were other books that were just basically edited out. So right away, we know a person decided what constituted the Bible and just some stuff wound up on the cutting room floor. I get it. Council of Nicaea. I get it. Council of Nicaea, yes. 325 A.D. That's when they decided the Christian religion. I agree with you. Right. I do.

I remember that. I'm with you on that. But I'm telling you, read this book. That's Emperor Constantine. Shout out Constantine. Turkey, all that. Well, the first one. Constantine, Turkey, all that. Well, the first one... Constantinople. Well, yes, the first one to change the Roman Empire to a Christian Empire.

They decided all the holidays. It took three centuries. I get it. And listen, Bill, I'm with you on that. But here's the important point. Let's do it. There's only these five sources. A little bit more to kill, that's it.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I'm wrecked right now. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. I'm wrecked right now. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Good boys. Not contemporaries of Jesus, not even close. Matthew, so they lived from 70 to 110 years after him. I understand that. No, no, no, from 40 to 70 years after him.

But they got their information from Josephus who lived about 10 years after Jesus. So already we're into a game of telephone. Bill, yes, but I wanna make you let you point, but let me just quickly, the game of telephone, yes, I agree with you that point, but the game of telephone in Jesus's times, according to Lee Strowman, the case of Christ,

was the simple fact of we're playing the game of telephone, there's 10 people here. The game of telephone, as we know it today, is you say something in my ear and then it goes around 10 times and by the time it gets to you it's something radically different. This game of telephone, this ancient game of telephone was, but you tell it to me, then the third guy confirms what you said before it goes to the fourth guy. So there's a level of affirms what you said before it goes to the fourth guy. So there's a level of checking, checks and balances. Chris, you're working too hard. If you want to believe this, you should believe it. You don't have to convince me or...

I'm just convincing you of case for Christ. Or construct this scaffolding to which you hang this belief. Just believe it, it's all good. Don't come to me when you die at St. Peter's, I'm not getting you in. But you know,. Don't come to me when you die at St. Peter's. I'm not getting you in. But you know, I can't go there with you. It's just, you know, it's silly. Well, I'm just saying it's nice the idea to believe in something. I'm just trying. Trying it on for size. Here's also what's very interesting. And then I'll leave this subject because, excuse

me, I think I've bored the audience with this before, but. What do you think Barbara and Milwaukee gives a fuck? They turned this off, when they turned this off, when they found out I wasn't Ellen. Yeah, like that's the kind of audience we have. Your audience is great. So, you think they'll like me? St. Paul.

Good guy, St. Paul, aka Saul, and the capital of Minnesota. Is the other source of the Bible. Yes. There's Mark, Matthew, Luke, and John. I said the two names out of order, because that's the order in the Bible. The first Gospel, Mark, is 70 AD. Jesus dies in 33.

So that's 40 years almost after he died. So not contemporaries. Paul comes before the Gospel writers. He's writing around the year 50 in the 50s. So he's much closer to Jesus' time. So you'd think he would know more about Jesus than the people who came later, but actually, Saint Paul knows almost nothing about Jesus. He barely conceives of him as something that, as a person who lived on earth. There's no details about his life like they are in the gospels. So the people who came later know more than the person who wrote earlier,

just some food for thought. But, okay, I understand. But he does acknowledge at some point, right? Paul, AKA Saul, knows that Jesus existed. He talks about him. He talks about, I'm saying he conceives him as a Godhead. He doesn't have this, it's not the narrative that's in the Gospels of Jesus went around and he did miracles and he did stuff and everybody loved him and he gets quoted a lot.

He makes speeches, Blessed are the meek. You know, he has adventures. He goes into the desert. It's a whole thing. But what about? And then at the end, it's a whole drama with, you know, he's crucified. No, Paul doesn't know any of this. All the stuff that the gospel writers obsess about it

and that are his biography. It's a little strange. But maybe, but Paul, it's okay for Paul to be somebody who maybe, there was a lot of people who didn't like Jesus. You know what's okay? You know what's okay? What's okay is that some people believe in other people, Joan. That's what's okay. It's like that's you.

Yeah. I'm not trying to put it on you. I'm just saying what I believe in. I know. I know. I'm wearing a corduroy or shirt my mother got me for Christmas and I feel confident Is that really your mother got you this you ever been to Japan? No, should we go? No It's too far, but we're not we'll do it. We'll do a PJ. I don't go east of LeBrayer really well You don't go international. IBraya. Really? Well, come on. You don't go international?

I do not anymore. I did some engineering. Why, hon? Because it's just too stressful. I'm a nervous traveler, very nervous traveler. So travel has to be made super pampered for me. Or else I'll just stay home. The fact, the fact, the thing is about you bill was overwhelmed

no seriously from sitting close to you know if your fans know this value you're you're a passionate guy. And that's nice about you do it's not it's nice to see real passion from a guy. It really is thank you yeah, I mean I did some genuine is from a lot of people are disingenuous genuine passionate're a genuine passionate guy and that's very, I know the streets, you know, for going up in New York,

you gotta side of the bullshit, you're passionate man. Yes, and you know, when I get head up about something, it's real, I'm not acting it, because that I think is my bond with the audience. They know I'm never acting or faking it or pulling a punch and so, I think, is my bond with the audience. They know I'm never acting or faking it or pulling a punch. And so, you know, if I'm like, you know,

eh, it's real because I've certainly seen plenty of hosts like get way too fake worked up about something that, oh, I know you don't really care about it that much. It's just like, and they act like the issue is happening to them personally more than the whole country. It's just gross. And I always, you know, took the advice of, I don't know where I read it when I was a kid

thinking about being a comic of don't leave out the jokes. Always keep in the jokes. Always. Because that's the sugar. Always keep in the jokes. Always. Because that's the sugar that makes the medicine go down. You know, you don't ever, Lenny Bruce forgot the comedy, you know. It's happened, talk about self-sabotage. That's a way to do it.

Sure. Forget the jokes. Think you're too important to do that. Yes, some of my peers I'll see on social media, they'll make a political point, no joke. And I'm like, but it says comedian in your bio, where's the joke? My friend Jimmy Jet Blue could say what you just said, where's the material? That's why I think personally, what I would like to see in 2024, I know it's an election year, the presidential candidates, whomever they may be, should go on your show

and Joe Rogan's show. That's what CNN Fox News also go on them. But if you really want a genuine election, go on Bill Maher's show, go on Joe Rogan's show, and there you have it. Debate there. Let's see you did it again. What did I do now? You and Joe. See, no, I happen to respect Joe a lot. Sure. I'd like to. You were great on his pod. Oh, thank you, and I like him a lot.

But if it had been somebody who I didn't like or respect, then you would have like done, you would have committed that mammoth crime. Yes. Yes. I love, you know, if somebody came up to you and said, oh my God, you are just my favorite comedian. You and, and like, I don't wanna say any names

because we don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings. But I'm sure you can think of some names. Yes. Of some, we used to call them hacks. Yes. Derivative is a word that came up sometimes. Right. And I worked with so many great comics.

And some who did not make it. I don't know if you had the same experience if you were in clubs for a number of years, where you got to know guys like a band of brothers, because you hung out every night in the clubs. Okay, and I still remember some of their acts, and some of the great jokes and what happened. I mean, it's a little like the army.

The guy next to you gets shot, the guy next to you on the other side gets shot. I don't know why some funny people didn't continue with that career. Maybe the material ran out or I don't know. Well, a lot of it is luck. Just the audience. Just like, I don't know. Well, a lot of it is luck is, you know. Just the audience, just like, I don't know. It's timing. Or drive and vision, like, or just luck, you know.

Life is timing, like Ronnie Dangerfield, who went on to become a legend. He was doing that I Get No Respect act for years and years and years. It wasn't until the movie The Godfather came out, which was all about respect. And he was the no-respect guy. Did he become famous in Rodney Dangerfield?

It was a timing thing, which is why I mentioned in the beginning of your podcast, you've become, you've just always stayed true to who Bill Maher is, you are you, and now the country is changing, but you're staying who you are and your numbers are going up because now the country has evolved to be like, we are aligning with Bill Maher because he's rational

and sounds like we all sound. But there was a time where you didn't to people. But you stay who you are. There was a poll, it was reported in media about, it was like right around Christmas that I was the most trusted. More than Rogan, more than it's- You were the most trusted. Yes. Yes. It said more than Joe Rogan and more than Jake Tapper. I believe it. And I like Jake Tapper. I like Jake Tapper. I mean, he's one of the few

talking heads on cable news that I like. He seems like he's just down the middle. I used to love Brian Williams. He was like, Carrie Grant doing the news. Right. But yeah, I mean, trust I think is something that you get like that because first of all, you've been around for a while, a long time, 30 years on TV,

without, with only a six month interruption, that's a long time. Yes. And you're right. And sticking to your guns. And also the both sides have gotten nuttier, way nuttier. Trumpism is nuttier and wokeism is nuttier.

So to be, I think, well positioned in the middle, I mean, of course, lots of people think I'm horrible because I'm in the middle somehow. I think I'm where I always was, basic old school liberalism, but the goalposts have moved around me. And Elon Musk made the same point. He drew it once. And there's lots of us who feel the same way,

like Barry Weiss and people like this, like she's not a conservative. Right. She's married to a woman. She's Jewish. These are not things that we've ever associated with. And we're not conservatives. Well, that's why I'm saying,

I'm like why I try to talk to my kids as a parent, is like just stay true to who you are. Don't conform to the world because the world is always ever changing, but you've always stayed true to who you are. And how old are these children? 13, eight and two. Which one is the one from the previous marriage?

13. 13. My stepson. Yeah. His stepson, 13. Great kid. That's a. Lefty. He could fucking solve a Rubik's Cube in six seconds.

He's almost autistic. Great, he is at the Rubik's Cube. I'm never gonna meet him, but you know. Why not? He'll come over. No, I don't. I don't like kids. But he's a good kid, he's a lefty.

Every parent thinks their kids a good kid. No, no, no, I'm not gonna go, I'm not gonna give you a dissertation on my children. This kid's a good kid, he's got great hair. You would like this kid. Okay, you would know better, Chris. And you would like his dad too, his kid's a good kid. He's got great hair. You would like this kid. Okay. You would know better, Chris. And you would like his dad too. His dad's a good guy.

How great is that? I'm very good friends. I'm very good friends with my stepson's father. How great is this? I'm in a great relationship where me, my girlfriend, wife, and my stepson's father all make decisions for our children together. Three of us.

So the... Isn't that nice? So things can work. They can work, Bill. I want you to have sex with a woman who has a child. I've had sex with a woman who's had a child. You think I've gotten 68 years old and never had sex with a... Bill, I can't...

There was a time when I was all about the single moms. I don't know, it just was a coincidence or something. How great are single moms? Circumstance or no? Like late 90s. Right. Mid-late 90s. 39, 40s.

Yes, but I just feel like I knew a few in that period women I dated who were single moms and they were still very young. You know, come on, everybody likes what they like. So, but the thing is, like, normally, a 22-year-old girl when I was 40, so okay, a little older, but I don't think that's really, I don't give a shit. It's all the drive-thru.

Please, Cher's boyfriend is 40 years younger. Dude, it's like, you know, that's not, this isn't medieval times. People should be able to just do what they want with who they want. If you're over 18, it's whatever you want to do. I'm not morally, but legally it's fine. You know what the definition of an age-appropriate relationship is?

Tell me. One that works. That's it. That's what's appropriate, what works. Anyway, you see, they have me like pre-defending shit because you're just so, your intent is always up for what these are. Don't even worry about it.

You're right. Bill, let me tell you something. I just like to say fuck them before. I like to pre-fuck you. Your fans are fucking right or dying. Exactly. It doesn't matter if fucking- You're so right.

If the New York Times or we never turned around tomorrow and said Bill Mars, your fans don't give a fuck. You're so right, Doctor. You Maher, and said, your fans don't give a fuck. You're so right, Doctor. You've created, you've put your career in the hands of your fans and not a network, and that's the beauty of this shit. Yes, you're right, no.

That's the beauty of it, what you've done, Bill. That was very profound. Billy Maher, William Maher, folks. He's a good man, he's a founding father. But what was I talking about there? It was something important to me. I don't know Come on. What were we just talking about? What are you gonna do? We're gonna go to dinner? What are we gonna do? No, it was like you can't you got to work. Oh

Yeah work you gotta work my vacation ended with a thud. Yeah What you want on vacation recently? No, well, we were off. We had off from our last show, it was December 15th, and so here it is January. Can I tell you something real quick? I'm sorry to interrupt. Your episode with Candace Owens was beautiful, because I know you guys have differences of opinion. Yeah.

But it was a great episode. Thank you. I'm going to tell you something right now. One of the most beautiful women in the world to me is Candace Owens. She's a beautiful woman. And I don't agree with all her politics, but just a beautiful person, a confident,

passionate woman, I love her. Yes, I mean, she is a, certainly. She's gorgeous, gorgeous, she's me. She's beautiful. I'm gonna get in trouble for this. Jazz, I'm in love with you, but it's okay to think other people are pretty once in a while. I think we got that.

Okay, no I can. I love her, I wanna make sure that she knows I fucking love her, because I know I need to get scissors to the throat again. All right. No, I can tell you're, I mean, you are, you're a lucky motherfucker because it's, lots of people find somebody great.

It's keeping it going. And it's keeping having passion at 10 years with them. That's what is elusive. what is beautiful about my partnership with Jasmine Is I know that woman has my fucking back? She will not let anybody right in between has my back and that's beautiful But excuse me as wonderful as the quality is of having your back And I agree it is a great one that I couldn't live without either if I got when I get serious with somebody. You will, in your 70s you need to.

Having somebody's back doesn't always make you deck heart. It's a different kind of thing. It helps that she's a gorgeous Puerto Rican woman. It helps, even gorgeousness has its limits. You know the old saying, show me the most beautiful woman in the world and somewhere there's a guy who's tired of fucking her. That's what my dad said.

Well, that puts me in good company. No, my father, my father's 76, he told me, Chris, here's the one thing I need you to know. My dad told me this. He goes, here's the one thing I need you to know is my brain, my male brain is no different than your brain. He goes, it's just when I look in the mirror, I have a dick that doesn't work. When you look in the mirror, I have a dick that doesn't work.

When you look in the mirror, you have a dick that still works. He goes, but I still wanna have sex with the girl who walks into the video store just like you. But I can't, because I can't get my dick up. But he said the male brain still thinks it's 25 years old. So he said, so just if you're happy with this woman, stay with this woman, build a life with this woman

You'll be okay. That's what he told me What's wrong with his dick? He can't get it up. Why? He too many meds is on blood pressure medicine diabetes medicine. Yeah, you're a healthy guy. Yes It's you got a healthy BMI. I bet your BMI is normal Yes It's pretty good. You know, it's like, to be president, you have to be 35, right? Which is, you think, what do you think about that rule?

It's a little. Oh, I think it's good. I mean, 35 is apt. I mean, please. What, should there be an age limit the other way? You can't be over 70. Well, no, because that's because that's a case by case. I mean, there are definitely people in their 90s.

I wouldn't think we should elect them president. But I don't know. Other cultures understand the benefit of having sage advice. And sage comes with age. And... Sage comes with age. Make that much. At least have someone around as the nester,

the wise old advisor who, I just feel like that would be a good role. You could have like some like president emeritus role. I like that. And some like Biden would be good for that. And then have a younger guy, you know, like Gavin Newsom running around. You know, somebody who looks great and is them

and vigorous and. Well, listen, again, I'm not political, but I'm not politically educated, certainly not as much as you are. You say things like that, and then you're mad at me for not putting you on real time. I'm not political, and I'm not politically educated. Bill, why can't I get on your political show?

Come on, Bill. What is the problem? What do I gotta do? Hold up. Is that because I'm white? Yes on, Bill. What is the problem? What do I gotta do? Why do I hold up? Is it because I'm white? Yes, that's what it is, you piece of shit. No, but is there, and I might be wrong factually, but we're in the election year of 2024.

Let me get a little bit. We're in the election year of 2024. Go ahead, light it up. Come on. What would be the crack-out? Okay. Has there ever been a time where there's no clear-cut candidate for who's representing the Repubbs, who's representing the Dems, this late in the year? Well, there is clear-cut. We exactly know who they are.

Is it Joey B versus Aniti? Oh, you really don't know anything about politics. No, I told you. I don't know. Okay, you're never getting on real time. You're not even allowed in the studio. You can't be in the... Ha ha ha! You cannot be in the crowd.

Come on! Wow. I'll put a new boiler for you. But you think it's Donny T versus Joey B? I can't even. It's not confirmed. Usually I don't ever talk to someone this stupid about politics unless they're 22 and they have big tits.

I am 22 at big tits. To the young kids. This is what a woman looks like in 2040. And just to save you some anguish when you're out at parties in South Worth and talking to people, museums, wherever you go, just to save yourself some anguish. Yeah, don't say it like it's somebody's unique opinion. So you think it's gonna be a Trump and Biden?

Yes, we all know it's gonna be Trump and Biden. Trump is beating his nearest competitors in the primaries by like 40 points. But they said in 2016 that Hillary Clinton was up by 80 points and Trump won. They never said that. You're getting the worst sort of information. I don't know what you're looking at. The New York Post. No, the New York Post didn't say that. Nobody said she was up by 80 points.

Jimmy Jepaloo told me that. Well, he's a moron. It's not close to true. Watching you take an ex-Jepaloo flight where your bags wind up. You know, Castro didn't win by 80 points. It's ridiculous. No, you cannot do real time.

I'm loving you here. But this is what you are exactly. Like I'm gonna make a flyer about coming on Club Random and use your picture. Hey, if you're too, if you're far too dumb about politics to go on real time, have I got a place for you? It's Bill's Bargain Basement Filings Talk Show. We will take- Get it off fucking real time. We will take mutants. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show.

Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show.

Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show.

Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. Let's talk show. on a podcast, I'm not sure what guest it was, but you said something about like, you know, you're like, hey, I'm happy I didn't have kids because kids now in today's world are different than kids back in the day. And I kind of appreciate that. I don't know.

I mean this as sincerely as I can. I don't think it's ever been harder to be a parent. For the simple reason is the one thing all through history you could do with kids is boss them around, which you totally need to, to keep them under control. And that is sort of verboten now. That is, I don't know how parents deal with the,

just the attitude and talking back and questioning everything and thinking they're your peers and inviting themselves into conversations. There's just like a host of things that didn't happen and I'm not against them just because they're different than the way I grew up. Some things are better, but not that. Not this fundamental relationship that, oh, a 10-year-old is just some smaller version of an adult. No, they're a child. They have a quantitative difference in what they're capable of thinking of.

You cannot treat them the same way, and they do. Yeah. So, my kids, you know, like me and my girl, we do the best we can with them, but there is times where my kids will talk back to us and we live in a parenting world where it's like, you know, my mom's mom would have hit, we're not gonna hit, because of course,

the new research teachers that- They'll call social services, that's what I mean. Yes. Is that you can't, not that you should be always hitting your kids, but I got spanked a few times and it was the right thing to do. Sure. So, you know, we can't do that.

You know, when we tell them, well, you know, when they talk back like saying like, hey, like you're grounded, you know, the research now will say, well, that teaches them that when they make a mistake, that it's these, they automatically get these negative consequences and that's not good for adulthood. So you start to say, okay, well,

what the hell then am I supposed to do? And I try to conversate with my eight-year-old just as I would conversate with you, but it's very, very, very difficult. And I think what's happening out with parents is myself included, is sometimes I feel like I'm not doing the best job I can to parent my children because I can't rear them the way my parents reared me.

You should never rear a kid. That is just wrong. Yes, you should do that. I don't even think adults should be rearing. And like I said, Middle Village Queens thinks you're in the 99% of people who don't do that. Yeah, well, they're right. That's your town?

Now, let me ask you this, Bill. If you had sex, I'm talking about, let's say you had sex with a gorgeous 30-year-old Puerto Rican woman tomorrow, okay? And she got pregnant. Would you keep it? Would you be a father at 68 years old? No, not at all. You don't want it anymore? I never wanted it. I avoided it, didn't I?

But why not round out the last 20 with a fucking little Billy Marr? Oh, like round out the last 20? Oh, God. You think you're making it to 90? Not with the way you smoke and drink. This is the first drink I've had. And the smoking I do is not harmful. I'm Bill.

I mean, it's not health food. You look fucking, I'm telling you, got a healthy BMI. I told you from the beginning you're healthy. You wouldn't have a kid right now today No, why would I? All the times in my life. I know I built because I don't like children Okay, I don't take any offense to that. I really shouldn't I don't I really don't it can have differences opinion Yes, this is a dumb conversation

Some people like children some people don't which is fine some people children, some people don't. Which is fine. Some people like pudding, some people don't. Who doesn't like pudding? Some people, some people don't like sushi, some people do. It's, that's life. So no. That's life. Why would I fucking want a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a Muelling puking complaining Entitled let me ask you this little monster Okay, but we're talking about children. Let me ask you this in your escapades, which we've all had it

What would you do if you found out that's your 68 years old? What would you do if you found out right now that back in the day? Let's say Jersey let's say even when you're 39 plus you got you got one past the goalie with a random woman We don't even know who she is, and you have a 25 year old kid that's a good kid, would you take responsibility for it? Would you say, you know what, I'm happy to be a dad to this person.

If there's a little Billy Maher out there. Okay, Dr. Phil, first of all, your use of the word escapades, I think exactly illustrates the difference between you and me. I'm a Janet Jackson fan, I love the word escapades. It think, exactly illustrates the difference between you and me. I'm a Janet Jackson fan, I love the word escapades. It's a great word, I didn't even know she was associated with. She has a song, Escapades, I love. Oh.

That's how you wanna know how you know I'm gay? I love the song Escapades by Janet Jackson. Oh, well, here's how I'm gay, I probably read it reading Voltaire or something. But escapades is a great word. You know how I know you're gay? Cause when you were 10 years old you read poems. Not poems, but I was a reader.

Anyway, like escapades, it's such a great word because it connotes that time of life. I mean, that was your meaning when you said we've all had escapades. It was a very charming way of saying, you know, you sold your wild oats or you, you know. Sure. Okay, my philosophy of life was always, wow, escapades are fun. Why do they have to end? Right. And that's where I am. That's where you are. Yeah. And other people are like, no, that's childish or whatever.

It's like, well, for you it would be. But I think there should be no moral dimension to that. It's just, again, people have different tastes. Different tastes? Very different tastes. What I can tell you. And different things that make you happy. What I can tell you, what I know for a fact,

is that you're happy at 68 with your choices, and I'm happy at 39 with my choices. Right, exactly. I'm happy being a father, even though at times it's difficult. I'm like, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my kids, and you're as happy as me, not having kids, and that's okay.

But I will say this about happy marriages, and there are some. A number of times I have experienced a married couple who I was friends with, and suddenly they announce they're splitting up. And everyone is like, oh my God, I thought they were the happiest people in the world. What the fuck could have happened? Because married people were kind of geniuses at keeping the lid on it until it absolutely explodes. that this does not sound like your situation.

Well, yeah, we're not married and the thing is the positive thing about the relationship I'm in. Is we've had public blowouts we've had family blowouts and the thing that I know about her now after 1011 years of being with her is that no matter how far apart we get, we always come back together and that has staying power and that's why now, because we had a baby right away. So sometimes people would be like, how could you not marry this woman? You have children.

And it's like, well, we had children so quickly and so kind of out of the blue that now I can tell you after 10, 11 years, this woman is like on my side. And now I can say, now I'm thinking the idea was like, you know what, I'd like to marry you. Yeah, it's kind of mean. Because it's come around. We've kind of had a lot of tests and I'm perfectly okay with knowing

and taking on the risk of saying, if we don't work out, that's okay too. I understand that. There's nothing like trust. Yes. And I trust you. It's only earned over a certain amount of time. You can have good instinct about someone, have a very good instinct about you.

But we shouldn't trust each other completely. We barely know each other. It's only ha- Well, yes, yes, but I also think that there's connections and energy is different. Like I would say, and I'm being honest with you, I'm being genuinely honest with you, I'm being truly honest, I trust you, I trust you, Bill Maher,

even though I've only known you for a couple of hours, in a way that I don't trust some of my friends I've known from childhood. It's true. Because there's a genuineness about you, where if I'm telling you, I'm willing to take on the risk, or if I went and gave you my trust and you somehow inadvertently fucked me over,

I would say I'm willing to take that risk still. And there's realness in energy. Energy is real. I'm glad you said that. Thank you. Would you like to invest in something called Schmo Coin? Yes. It's something I've been developing

that I think you are our perfect perfectist. Yes, listen to me. No, but- Schmo Coin is the coin. It's something I've been developing that I think you are our perfect perfectist. Yes. Listen, to me, small coin is the coin. You're absolutely right, I think. I will often thought the same thing that you can know somebody in an hour or two better than someone else who you've known for 20 years. Some people just never give it up. It's just their nature.

I knew comedian friends like that. We had amazing sort of comic relationships. We were always making each other laugh, sitting in the back of the room at Catcher Rising Star or The Improv, giggling. But did we ever really know because they just aren't, there's certain type of person just doesn't go there. At least not with me.

And I don't think with many Right. At least not with me. Right. And I don't think with many people. Right. And then there's some people who are like right away are like, no, I have no secrets. Yeah, because again, it's a genuineness. Because we don't. It's a realness.

Right. That's the thing. It's a realness. It's like immediately, even though you've only been in two hours, if you call bullshit, you'll call bullshit. Right. To my face, which I respect. Yes, I know.

You can take a punch. It's fantastic. Why not? That's the only way it can come. And so can I. I mean, I love to be forced to say the words I don't know. Sure. Because every time I say those words, I learn something.

Yes. Timothy Leary told me that. Timothy Leary. Good Irishman. You know who that is? No, you're... He was the guy who introduced acid to the sixties. He was the guy with the acid.

Oh, I watched the documentary where he was in. There you go. Yeah, Tim, yeah, I watched the documentary about psychedelics. Well, see, you're slowly working your way toward real time. Yes, a little bit. Well, psychedelics have taken a quick fair share. That's what I love about a podcast. If you listen to the whole thing, sometimes it's almost a thread that's like a doubt, it's like taking a quick fair share. That's what I love about a podcast.

If you listen to the whole thing, sometimes it's almost a thread that's like it was written into a script. The whole thing about you, I can't get on real time, and then me feeling bad, and me feeling bad, and me feeling bad, and then we find out, you don't even know about Trump and Biden. It was like the perfect ending to that bit.

To that bit. The way that came back around. And then fall and then. I couldn't, I couldn't have scripted it better. And then in two weeks I'm on real time. Let me ask you this Bill. And then, no, no, and then I know you're, I know when I propose this question,

you're gonna say I'm crazy, but I want you to just. Don't propose, I'm never getting married. Bill, I just want you to take me up on this and again this is something Tucker Carlson said I'm just putting it out there this is something that I read on multiple Reddit forums and from trusted sources and again I know this is absurd Bill listen to me this is absurd what I'm about to say your sources have proved themselves to be not trusted? Is there a possibility that this our existence as human beings is possibly? Aliens this is a me aliens are not up there or out there

They're right here in another dimension with their fourth dimension fifth dimension sixth dimension We are two dimensional three dimensional beings that we can't see this dimension where aliens can be right there, is it possible that we are, in fact, engaged in some type of prison planet where a fourth-dimensional, fifth-dimensional, sixth-dimensional reptilian being who really rules the world is feeding off our guilt, anxiety, depression, negative emotions to fuel themselves off our stuff. And we are actually in this prison planet and famous celebrities like Obama and Justin Bieber and people of that ilk have made a deal with these reptilian people to say, I will give you my soul to feed off my negative emotions

for perpetuity, but in return you give me, every time I die, I come back to a different part of history, which is happening all at the same time, I come back and I am as famous and successful as I was in every generation. No, I know what's absurd, but I'm asking you, is there any truth to that? Are you talking about the ballet parking guy?

Yes, I am. I'm talking about Chuck Lavella. He's not reptilian. Is there any truth to that, Bill, without making fun of me? Chris, I would love it. We just a minute ago were talking about trust. So I feel like I'm going to take advantage of that. I'm going to take advantage of what you said about trusting me.

Because you should trust me. I do. I have all these years on you, and this is more my area, you know, knowing things. It's the kind of stupid conspiracy theory nonsense that goes around on Reddit and right-wing websites and who knows, God, where else. And you just don't wanna be the guy. You're too good, you're too smart, you're too successful. You don't wanna be the guy who thinks this.

Anything is possible. I mean, Richard Dawson is the greatest atheist writing. Richard Dawson, no. Richard Dawson. Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawson. Daw. Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawson was the host of Family Feud. We used to try to kiss all the chicks on the lips. He's not the greatest A.P.ist.

Steve Harvey's the best Family Feud host of all time. That's probably true. Steve Harvey's the funniest guy of all time. Richard Dawkins, an atheist, and he says, you know, on a scale of one to seven, seven being absolute certainty, there's no God. I'm only a 6.9.

We don't know anything. Could it be lizard people? It could. It's fucking not. It's like, could you win the lottery? Yes, but you won't. It's not that. It's something we don't know.

But just because you don't know the answer to something, you shouldn't make up a story so you have an answer. No answer is a much more respectable intellectual position than making up a story. So Jesus, you can have that one. But not the lizard, Chris. Right. Not the lizard. You don't think that we're doing this as your friend.

This is not a rep. As your mentor. They're not. No, honestly, Bill, I'm ready for this. I'm telling you, I have told the public and I've told people my mentor has been Colin Quinn. You know Colin Quinn. Course.

Colin is a guy who's took me under his wing. You know, New Yorker, a guy, an original. Great guy, funny guy. I love Colin Quinn. But I would say Colin Quinn, even though you know we have a long standing relationship, but I would you are as much of a mentor in these past three hours. It's been three hours. It's been two three hours. Wow. We should we should. No, Bill, listen, it's up.. Obviously it's your show. It is amazing. But I enjoy

talking to you. I'm enjoying it too. That's why I thought about this just keep going. But it is amazing how the podcast audience likes long. It's funny when I started it, all of them were one hour. We used to do two in a day. It was too rushed. And I was thinking old thinking. I was thinking TV thinking I'm a creature of TV do an hour show leave them wanting more. No Podcasts audiences are like we're cheated after it really cheated. Yeah, it's so funny The the American attention span is either like three hours or six seconds. That's it. Cause I feel like your fans, right?

Who have followed you from politically incorrect to real time or whatever. The podcast though, your podcast fans who are, you know, of course, following from the TV sector, this format, they're so ingratiated to you cause they're like, oh, I feel like- It's so different. I feel like Bill's my, you know, family member.

And that's how it should be. And that's how it should be. And that's why I wanted to build this the way it is, where you never see cameras, you know, you're not, there's no other person in the room, it's just us, because this is like, as close as we could really be to doing it, if we were doing it without cameras.

I don't think I would have said one thing different. Oh, Bill. I don't think I edited one thing. I don't think I changed one thing. Yeah, my brain shut off about an hour and a half ago, but we're still doing the pod. Well, you've been great. Well, I'm unconscious.

If your brain shuts off and you're still this funny, and also, you like to talk to people who like, you know, you could tell they're tracking what you're saying. Like they look in the, and you are, and I do it too. Yes. You know, I mean, No, no, Bill. There are some people who you just talked to

and it's like, you know, we're kind of having two different conversations. The thing about you that I respect is, you know, and I'm sure you've heard this, I'm not saying anything abnormal, but I think there's some things that some, that a less kind of a, you know, plugged in person would look at you and watch Bill Maher,

you know, watch Real Time or watch this show and be like, oh, Bill Maher's so smug, right? I'm sure you've heard that word smug. And I would say when I watch you as a comic and someone who I look up to, I say, you know what, your smugness, that part of you, there's a likeability that comes out that's you remind me. You and Anthony Jesolik, you know, Anthony Jesolik. Anthony Jesolik to me is someone who I had one opportunity ten years ago. I'm sure he doesn't even remember where I got to open up for him at

Governor's Comedy Club out Long Island and His smugness came across so much that it was likable and it's a talent that is so beyond rare To the point that I've only ever seen you and Jess O'Nick be able to pull it off at that level. And, but again, the commonality between you two is the realness. That's why I think the show Real Time, no, no, no, no, it's spot on. Because I'm like, you know what, man?

I'd rather you tell me, I'd rather you tell me you're too stupid to get on Real Time than you say, you know what, yeah, sure, you'd rather you tell me, I'd rather you tell me you're too stupid to get on real time than you say, you know what, yeah, sure, you'd be great someday. And then I have a stupid about politics. Sure. And it's a show about politics. Right. That's kind of the key crux, Chris. Right. No, no, no. Okay. Great. And yeah, no, dude, let me tell you, you want to talk about state capitals or, you know, the kinesiology of human body, I'm your guy. No, that's a different show. You know, that's the one that comes on like 12.30 in the afternoon. You're hosted by a woman. There's a cooking segment and, you know, people live.

I'm on the view. Yeah, well, not the view, but, you know, those daytime shows have people like, you know, today we have a doctor who's going to show you how to to like, you know, flimber up and anyway. No, no, no, it's fine. Bill, I'd like to, I'd like to, if I won't get on the guesters real time, I'd like to come on and just be a part of it in the background.

I don't want to hang out, I don't want to sleep over. As I mentioned, you're not allowed in the building. I don't want to sleep over. You're right. I want to go into your house and find Richard Dreyfus with no pants. Here's what you were right about. We are going to be friends. I believe we are.

And we made a hell of a start. We couldn't do this on television. No, and we wouldn't do it for any other reason. Club. Render. I feel like I've known you for years. Right. And I've known you for three hours.

That's my superpower. What did you I've known you for three hours. That's my superpower. What did you have for a- oh, wait, wait, wait.