Club Random with Bill Maher - David Mamet | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: January 7, 2024

David’s secret to his writing, Bill’s viral editorial on the Middle East, why David loves Shia laBeouf, David’s take on the invasion of Cuba, how the economy is still standing, David’s suggesting for making golf better, David’s take on critics, Bill’s love of David’s movie State and Main, the phrases David invented in the language, the Alec Baldwin accident, Bill’s take on Barbie, David’s love of dolls, David’s respect of the audience, Bambi vs. Godzilla, the best job in the world, why actors like to perform David’s scripts word for word, why David is sober, Bill defends America, and aw f**k it, if you’re still reading just watch it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Turn regret fist into Wendy's Fresh for 5 Breakfast. From 630 to 1030 AM, get a breakfast biscuit with a fresh crack Canadian egg, savory sausage, or apple with smoked bacon and small season potatoes for just five bucks. Taxis extra at participating Wendy's, terms and conditions apply. Do you think Alec Baldwin was intentionally shooting that person? There are the stories that we tell them, there are also the stories that we don't, so I don't know what happened on that set. You hate Titanic. But it's not, we're not at a caprio going through different rooms while he's drowning,

saying I will find it. Clare Nioh. Dave, are you behind that wall? I'm sweetie. How are you? How are you? Thank me. Are you kidding me?

God bless you for what you said about Israel. That's, that's out to a Jew that's ethical. Yeah. So, and then just, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Well, had to be said, you know, the motto of my old show, Politically and Correct, was somebody's got to say it.

Well, a lot of things have to be said, but a lot of me. But, yeah, I mean, it'd be a lack of any attempt in the media to go into the history of the Middle East and this conflict or any sort of perspective. Yeah, I thought that was a very special season, you know, after the strike, we got back just right after we got back, That's when the attack happened. Yeah. So it sort of was anti-Semitism was the issue that dominated a whole half of my year, which is, I never thought that would happen in 2023.

Well, I got a friend of mine. Maybe he's been on your shows, and he's easy. You combat federal and the idea. He lost an arm. No. They brought him back in combat. And he was in Gaza the day after in combat. He's back here now. And he said, as bad as the attack was, the reaction of the world was worse. Exactly. It's interesting. There was two shocks. The first shock was that, wow, Israel got penetrated like that. Yeah. The one thing we thought they were really good at,

that was a shock. And then the other shock was yes, that you could just feel it viscerally, that it was a case of people being exultant that there was an excuse to say, fuck Jews and hate Jews, which is odd because they were the victims of it. But of course, it's easy to turn it around and it is a complicated situation. But to use that as the jumping point, like you could see if it happened the other way,

that would be the jumping point if they attacked somebody else. But to be the victims and then right away go right to it, it would be like if Bush or somebody had said, the FBI will hear from us soon. And then Ben Laden's a great guy. I mean, the turnaround was the shock to me, especially on campus. Well, yeah, but I mean, the universities have been falling apart for a long time.

There's no purpose for them anymore. And so what they've been selling especially since the GI Bill is, we'll do anything you want to get your ass in here. You don't want to have grades, no grades. You don't want to study any, you want to study some ayodic things. have you want to do with that spot? Just give us your money. I've been banging that drum for a long time and I know you have and I think one like bright spot in this is that to the people who had been saying to people like me, and I guess you too, like, what are you talking about?

College is great because this is certainly this idea that one thing that's always on a sellably great thing to do is to get more schooling. You know, more college is the more time you spend in front of some kind of blackboard, the better person you are, and it's just such bullshit because there's nothing behind that if what they're learning is bullshit, or if they're being indoctrinated into actually terrible iniquitous stuff. The only thing is in our business,

I got it and I'm sure you got it and the way the people used to get him, the kids showed up whether it was you, me or some kid, some guy or some girl and said, I wanna work with you, you said, I'm not hiring anybody. Second day, I wanna work with you. You said, I'm not hiring anybody. Second day, I want to work with them. I told you I'm not hiring.

The third day, you say, fuck it, go get me a cup of coffee. And the next year, the kid is on the social producer in the third year. He's a director because he showed up. He got the coffee, right? Right. He got the call sheet, right? He stood around. He learned, he kept his mouth shut and eyes open. Yeah, and that's education Which is very different than schooling

That skill is something I feel like that has atrophied in recent generations. Well, it has they they want to be like the producer in a year Yeah, but also people think that they can enter Vertically that rather than starting at the bottom and carry in coffee, they can go to a school which is going to teach them to act, direct, produce, blah, blah, blah. And then carry that over there. But I got people come to me and I'm sure you do too. They got a master's degree and anything. I'm not even going to read further on the resume.

So Jesus Christ, you just wasted your youth. What are you going to learn about our business from going to a school? Nothing. You always, in your books about the show business, talked so finally of your crew. And of course, you see it in your movies because you use the same people all the time. So you must love them. I mean, it must be like, oh, it's like every year, I take a Hawaiian vacation, like it was a working vacation over the years. Did it for 12 years, and I took a whole bunch of people every time,

made it into a fun thing, but it was work. And I'm guessing that's like your movies. Well, I used to, you know, everybody knows each other. But also, I just did a movie, I hadn't done a last movie I did. I just did a movie with Charlotte Buff, just wrapped it last week. Really?

Yeah, but before that, I did a movie with Charlotte buff just wrapped it last week. Really? Yeah, but before that I did a movie with a magnificent. That interesting. I'm being... No, I believe you. I'm just saying that as an actor, I've never worked with a greater actor in my life. I work with everybody. Come on. And as a human being, he's just a magnificent human being.

So I hadn't done a movie in 10 years. last year, why do you think you're such a reputation as such a dick? I have no idea. I do know. And I thought by not talking out of school. No, you can't share. Oh, good. That's not about him. Because I have the unlimited respect. At one point he hit bottom, okay? Yeah, okay. Right, well, I love to hear things like this because I don't trust anything I hear, especially in things like this and people. And then it happens on this exactly what happens.

You get to know them and you're like, what are you talking about? Why? And they're just projecting whatever their shittiness is on somebody else. Of course, there's something else. What did Shaya do that he got me trouble for? Oh, I'll tell you one thing.

He was, I mean, again, this, I was just rhetorical. Oh, no, but there is something. And I would defend him on it because when it sounded like he was a dick, he was with a pop star and MFK twigs. It was his girlfriend. And she was, I think, in her early 30s,

she wasn't a kid. And she liked me to him and talked about things like he would yell at her. It's real dickish male behavior. Again, this is just one side of the story. But in the piece, she says, I could have left anytime. I had a townhouse in London. And I'm like, why am I reading this then?

Did you see this thing with this kid is filming himself having sex on the table in the Senate? You didn't see this? Where do you see something like this? Fox, right? Who would ever watch anything else? It's all over the conservative.

Wait, this is what? He's the staffer of a Democratic Senator who goes in with his boyfriend to the Senate whatever room. Clockroom. Yeah. No, it's not the coast. It's right there on the desk where they have all the meetings in the middle of the night. They get naked and kabonga, kabongaa kabonga. And is it video of it? Yes, videos going around them. The

kid is now saying that he's a victim because love is love. Wow. The same John Federman wasn't there to lend one of those kids a sweatshirt, huh? Well, exactly as if that weren't bad enough. But did you know that there's also a black and white film with Eleanor Roosevelt having sex on the steps of the Lincoln Monument? Yes. So, do we surmise that Roosevelt knew she was a lesbian when he married her and married her anyway because it's just what you did? Wasn't it his cousin or something? It was cousin. Yeah. So it wasn't who knows? I mean, you know, he was, curiously, he was a president and he was also a pussy-hound. I mean, go know, right? Roosevelt. Well, yes, but I mean, you know, men of power like that usually are. I mean,

you know, men of power like that usually are. I mean, I think Nixon was like a, and Reagan were not, but like a lot of them are dogs. I mean, Clinton was the, you know, for Hillary. I mean, she once said, he's a hard dog to keep on the porch. Well, but somebody, and it might have been you, it might have been you who said Mr. of Clinton that that JFK had it off with Marilyn Monroe. I'm just saying, was that you, he, what's what's the got? What's the job? Mr. Clinton JFK had it off with Marilyn Monroe. My thing about that was that I compared Clinton with JFK and the point that if you're going to be a man of power and get laid, at least in JFK's era, he was getting the most sought

after woman, which I guess is what the king should get, whereas Clinton was getting the chunky check who brought in the mail. Yeah. But aren't you doing a JFK movie? No, I can't talk about it because my moral say, so I can't talk about it. But if I were to talk about it, I'd turn your hair. But I think Harry Levinson is direct. I wrote this great, great JFK script Because the guy came to me through my friend, Joey Montenna, and Joey Montenna knew a kid in Chicago,

who was part, it's called Nikki Salosi, and Nikki was part of the Giancona family. And Giancona were the guys, and they ran. Oh, sure. Well, San Giancona and Kennedy shared a mistress. Exactly. Is that this candle? One of his main, yeah, that's right.

That's right. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah, that's candle. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah, that's candle. That's right.

Yeah, that's candle. That's right. Yeah, that's candle. That's right. Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle. That's right. Yeah, that's candle.

Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle. Yeah, that's candle in Cahood's because Kennedy, Kennedy family, you know, just like the Bidings, there were always a bunch of crooks, right? Well, certainly the fortune came from a crime, bootlegging. Yeah.

Right. And also he was a stock thief, Joe. He was rigging the stock market and then they made him head of the SEC. But in any case, well, yeah. So, Kennedy's made a deal with the mafia. The Joe Kennedy said, I need you to steal Illinois. I need you to go to Jimmy Hoff. I will need to steal Illinois to make him president. What do you want? They said, we want Cuba back because they lost Cuba in 1959. Yeah. Cuba belonged to the mob.

That was their Las Vegas Times of Billion, plot of Godfather too. Exactly. So they owned the whole country. Right. So the Kennedy deal was, okay, we'll give you Cuba back if you get our boy in. So they got Kennedy in. And then they half-stage this invasion of the Bay of Pigs. And it was put together by the CIA by the Mafia, which was, wasn't unusual because they did

the same thing in World War II, the OSS, which was the precursor to the CIA. And the Mafia got together at Lucky Luciano and the invasion of Sicily. Okay, so the CIA and the mafia and the Cubanos got together to stage this invasion of the Banx pigs and Cuba. And the idea was these guys would land on the beach and then they would say this is a popular uprising. They would call to America for help and America would send an air power. Okay, so good. They put the whole thing together. They staged the invasion. They call it help. And Bobby Kennedy says,

the Jack, you know, you don't really want to do that. So they all either died on the beach or died in prison. So the CIA was very mad. Well, I mean, certainly that is the upside of what happened. I don't know if we know for sure where the fuck up came. Maybe it is Kennedy just at the last minute losing his nerve and betraying these people. But there was also a power struggle at that,

this is four months into his administration. There was a power struggle with the CIA, which was of course in many ways more powerful than whose president, because they're continuously there, and they have shit on everybody, and especially him. I mean, there was just so much shit to be had. I'm sure Wartabub Kuber, who was director for life of the FBI. But Kennedy was in this power struggle with the CIA at the time, and so like a CIA operation, they could have fucked it up to make him look bad. Well, here's the thing. People said, there's the, the Godfather is our national myth, right?

Correct. It's the best movie ever made in America. It explains everything. And Kay and Al says to Kay, he says, we're going to be legit. We're going to be just like senators and congressmen. And she says, well, senators and congressmen don't kill people. He says, oh, now who's being naive? But people don't realize who've been around any kind of power, even the even in our business, a lot of people have a lot of power, but nothing like the government. If people are sitting around, all I gotta do if I'm the president,

you say, how about this son of bitch, all I have to do is this, and some will kill him. Well, in some countries, that's Putin's country. I don't think it's not easy in this country. You think it's not easy? It's not easy anywhere. People, and you think they do it?

Sure they do, of course they do. Okay, let's go back. So, Biden, you think Biden has done that and had people killed? I doubt it. You don't doubt it. No, it's I doubt it. But what I'm saying is when people have this much power

and there's this much at stake, well, the genius of Obama was he stopped us talking about billions and started us talking about trillions. So when there's that kind of money at stake and anything, there are very few people in the world that you can't buy off your threatened death. Well, I don't know if Obama did that. Of course, inflation is always slowly raising the numbers. You know, when my father was a child,

the bread was a nickel or something. Okay, so it was going to get to a trillion. And the reason it got to a trillion is because the previous administration completely fucked up the economy. Obama, if you may recall, came in at an incredibly disastrous moment that was so easy to fuck up.

And lots of people suggested he don't fuck it up like, like, let GM die. No, no, I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself well. I didn't say that he was a no good son of a bitch. I didn't say that whether he did or didn't cause inflation. I said he altered the language. Prior to Obama, nobody in 20 years would ever use the phrase, a trillion. I know, but that's because there was a crisis. And by the way, the first, the tarp bill, they purposely avoided that. It was $780 billion.

This was in 2009, and even that made Jois drop. Now they write $2 trillion like it's in 2009, and even that made Joys drop. Now they write $2 trillion like it's the dinner check. They fucking, they don't, I don't know how this economy is going. I honestly don't know. Well, nobody does, but see the old, the terrible thing is, all they need to do that is ink.

I know, but the way it just, I've been hearing people say the sky is going to fall because of this since Ross Perot, member Ross Perot made his whole fucking raise-on-detre about the debt, and the debt was like two trillion dollars or something. And here it is, and it's ten times that much, and the sky never falls, but I guess, you know, we don't know the future, but either the sky is going to fall because of this, or then fuck it. Well, look at the sky is always falling over something or other.

You get to be my age very old indeed, and you look back and say, wait a second, everything was always at variance with everything else. One generation lived through the Depression, they lived through World War II, they lived through Korea, they lived through Vietnam, They lived through segregation. They lived through racism and lynching. This, depending on where you're standing, human nature is a series of people fallen down on the job. Yes. But I mean, speaking of living, I can't believe when I heard how all you are because you look like you're in your fifties No, I'm 76, but I sold myself. I sold myself sold to the devil. What did you do? I sold I sold my soul to the devil Well, yeah, that makes sense

But you know what it was I once wrote for television You did yeah, I did television. Oh, yeah, you won't have the you You and I wrote Hill Street Blues. Television. Oh, yeah, you wrote in the Univision. The Univision. The Univision. I wrote, Hill Street Blues. Wow. And I wrote the Shield. You wrote everything. I'm telling you. And you don't seem to slow down one bit at 76. Because you just are a machine. I mean, books, plays, movies. I mean, TV, you just...

Well, it's because of golf, right? People said to me, all through my life, why don't you take up golf? Right? And I said to them, listen, I feel about golf the same way I feel about homosexuality. There's nothing wrong with it. It just doesn't appeal to me. Right. I couldn't agree more on fucking golf. I know. I know. And I know lots of people who swear by it. And you know, I think it's like anything else. If you're good at something, you want to do it. I didn't really give myself a chance.

I guess I played when I was a young teenager for a little bit, but it just seemed like a lot of effort to get to the next opportunity. It's like, skig's the worst for that. Like a half hour to climb back or get back up. But I developed this thing, I was trying to sell it to the golf companies the way to make golf more. They didn't buy it, but I still retain the rights,

but they aren't gonna do so. Can I tell you what it was to make golf more accessible? Make the fucking hold bigger. You know they you know they did that in baseball. They did? They made the bases bigger. They did? Yes. Well you didn't know that. No. We don't want baseball. Oh yeah well I got my heart broken 1969 by the Cubs right when they gave five minutes. I remember that year, that the Mets won, my team. Five in a row. Five in a row, they gave it away.

So I couldn't watch, again, until the, when the Cubs won. And I must admit, like a lot of old-style Chicagoans, I was a little bit upset that the curse was no longer operative. Was that Ernie Banks in Ronsanto? Oh, yeah. That was that team. Yeah.

And Billy Williams. Yeah. And Ferguson Jenkins. Oh, yeah. That was that team. Yeah. And Billy Williams. Yeah. And Ferguson Jenkins. Oh, yeah, it was a great deal. And I was working right around the corner from that time, right around the corner from Rigglyfield, but they broke my heart. Club random is brought to you by The Stash Monkey.

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Terms, conditions, message, and data rates may apply. Well, I don't know, but you always seem to have stuff in the pipeline. My producer, when you did real-time a couple of weeks ago, said, oh, I saw his play in Venice, Henry Johnson, and so I said, I never even heard it was on. I would have liked you said it was amazing. I mean, you do, obviously can turn out something like that and not even care if the word gets out about it because why did I hear about it? Bad publicity. We had, you know, what we didn't do any publicity,

it was a, well, there you go. It was shy about, no, we just, everything was a hundred seed theater. So we sold out every house, we couldn't have done it forever. So it was Shia and Baal, Evan Johnekite and Chris Baal, and Dom Hoffman, but they all went on their sites. So the thing is, I just got so sick of dealing with the fucking press for 50 some years of my professional life. I said to hell with it, if I can sell every ticket over here, they can go to hell. Right. Well, I can't argue with you about the press. They have not,

I don't feel like they've ever really got me, not to the level they probably could have. But, you know, maybe it's our charming personalities and something to do with it as well. But I agree with you. I'd rather like be myself and lose that part of it than have to go through life always working on egg shells and kissing up to them. It was almost liberating when I got to that point where I realized, oh, okay, the New York Times is never going to understand me. Yeah, the other thing, I'll pick a part. No, no, that's my statement. The other thing in addition to being somebody said, what's the one thing you need to be able to do to write theatrical criticism? And the answer was insufficient talent to write sports.

So the other things they've always been for sale. Who the press? They've always been for sale. Oh, well, what do you mean for sale? In the sense that you can bribe them to. Of course, you could. To get a good review. Of course, you could. Did it whatever you want. The more, I mean, there are business right back in the days when people read newspapers, the more money you've spent on advertising, I don't think that's true. What? I don't, what?

I know it's true. Because when I was working in New York with Joe Papp was a great producer and it really revolutionized what he did was he co-opted the press. Clive Barnes was the critic of the New York Times. And you think you could bribe Clive Barnes? I know you could, but I don't think they gave him money. Really? I don't know that they gave him money,

because I don't think he was that smart. But what they would do is Joe would say, you know, I'm convening a bunch of people in Venice, Italy next. And I'd like you to come and give a little speech about blah, blah. Would you do that? Of course, you bring a friend, anything you want in the hotel. And that's also what the movie business used to do.

They used to bribe all the critics and put them on a junket. What about Vincent Canvey? Okay. What? What okay? Yes, he could be bribe. No, I don't think so. Let's go.

You don't have to bribe anybody, but it's a good idea. I come from Chicago. The question is always, who do you got to pay to do what? I just did a cartoon fairy white has got this belong to free person. Yeah, I love it. Thank you. I'm the resident cartoon. I see it every Friday. So my cartoon last Friday was Santa. It's called Christmas in Chicago. Santa's talking to this little girl. He says, ho ho little girl, what would you like for Christmas this year at Dal? She's got a fistful of dollar bills.

She says, make it a pony and there's more where that came from. You know, I put yours up that you gave me. I saw that, I'm flattered. That's, I love that. It's expensive. So the question in Chicago, which was a complete machine town.

Of course, Richard Daly is. Of course, you know. Who do you got to talk to? And so somebody said, and I agreed to it, who would want to live in a town where you can't fix a parking ticket? What do you think about what Chicago is now?

It's a hellhole. It's the democritic cities are dead. They aren't dying, they're all the Democratic cities are dead. They aren't dying. They're dead. They're not dead. Question, although it's not dead. It's not. It's not. They're really. Well, obviously, we were, it's not literally dead because there's lots of life. Okay. I'll tell you why. Living their best lives, they're every day. And there's lots of problems with it problems It's the murder some murder capable of the world

It's a murder cap of the United States in any case there with the woman left a white sock game God forbid Forgetful she's driving home on the Dan Ryan Expressway and these two rival gangs were having a shootout bang bang Car to car car to car they caught her in the shootout and they killed her. So the car, the police only, I don't even think they were indicted, the police said the gangs were engaged in something called mutual combat and it's a shame she died. So this is an effect, the first overt confession by an American city, that it's an open city. You know what open city is? The Nazis don't own it. The Americans don't own it.

Nobody owns it. There's nobody there. Well, I mean, for years, there are certain people I would call the usual suspects on the far left who would object if you talked about no go zones in European cities. And there's definitely no go zones in European cities. No, in the sense that like London, Paris have muslim ghettos that neighborhoods, whatever, maybe they're lovely, but they're, you know, there is almost Islamic law in the neighborhood.

I saw a piece on 60 minutes and there's a woman walking down the street and she's got a short skirt on and they're all the men are yelling at her how wrong that is and she's like, this is fucking London. Yeah, not anymore. What do you mean? Oh, London, not anymore. Everything changed. Dead like Chicago. What? It, London, not anymore. Everything changed. Dead like Chicago.

What? It's a dead like Chicago. Well, look, it was the archbishop of, I believe, of Westminster, not of Canterbury, but it is an opposite number. Like five years ago, it's obvious that we're going to have to have Sharia law in England alongside of British law. Yeah, there was a guy named Ahmed Jury, I think he was, he spoke on the radio for a very long time and they were always the British authorities were always like right on the fence of, do we arrest this guy? We want to have free speech, but this guy is like putting it right up to

the line and they finally did. I think he's talking about the archbishop. Check it out. You people check it out. Check out. The archbishop of whatever the other guy is. He was up there with Canterbury. Not Captain Ray. The other guy. They have two of them. He said that it's obvious that we're going to have to have Shurea Law also. No, I'm saying this guy, I'm Akman Shurei. I think that's the name. He was basically advocating Sharia law. And basically to take over, I mean, look, people, again, the usual suspects hate to hear it, but Islam is a supremacist religion. Now, all religions are to a degree.

All, if you believe in a religion, you're gonna go, well, that's, of course, that's the best religion there is. Well, you know, it's about what happens when I die. I mean. This is the ultimate faith. Of course, I like mine the best. But some people are just a little more militant about that and a little more upfront about, well, the world is okay now where it's only partly Muslim, but we are moving inexorably and we must tour the world where everyone is Muslim. They'll all be happier.

Now again, Christians kind of believe this too. You certainly see a lot of Christians at Christ's camp and those kind of places who would say that. We have the truth. They think they have the truth. But Muslims are just a little more serious about. Yeah, especially coming out of Iran. They want to have a global caliphate. I get it.

But something occurred to me on the way over here. I say, what is bad enough for these young savages who go and they rape women to death and then set fire to babies? And I figured it out. You know what it is? As martyrs, when they die, they go to heaven and they have 70 virgins, okay? So you know when I know back in the days and when there are teenagers, to get the panties off of even one virgin. It's going to take you all my. Get the panties off

of 70 fucking virgins, you're going to be one person. I think back at like that moment where I actually did get the pennies off the first. I know it's one of the most amazing things in a guy's life. And one of the most loser-ish. I mean, of course, you're terrible at it. You don't know what you're doing. I mean, this was this is before they had invented pube, you know, shaving the pubic hair. So it was just a big bush. You know, we never got, we never got like sex education in my school. So you're fumbling. It's like, I know it's around here somewhere.

And I couldn't, you know, I did not, I don't think I'd ever been introduced at the time to the, the clitoris as a part of the female. I didn't, I wasn't that I couldn't find it. I didn't know what some balls to. I thought it was a building in Greece. I just that does not bring back good memories. Like I know that when that's supposed to be the the Sun and Bonham of the heaven, like I'm with a bunch of virgins, every time I think that I just laugh, because again, I had just not a good experience with, I mean, who does a good experience

losing their virginity? Well, the other thing is when you were kid and it takes you forever to get the girls panties off with her consent, it's now fucking noon and you don't even want to get laid on your butt just thinking that. Where did the years go? I mean, I feel like I was just watching Glen Gary Glen Ross for the first time. Like, I mean, I think that's where I was Alec Baldwin.

Did he do stuff before that or would he, did he do stuff with me before that? No. Like, was that where we first saw him? I mean, I feel like that. No, no, no. He played, he was in one of the original Tom Clancy movies. Oh, he was a movie star. Oh, he was a star right there. Oh, okay.

I felt like that was what made him a star, that speech. Oh, go on. What? No, no, kind of. I thought, I mean, first of all, I'm talking about the, you know, coffee is for closures, which has become like an iconic line. You ever know when you're writing it, if it's like you think it has a chance to like, become a guy. Well, you know, I just saw a network again, Pat Hachaev's, which is a new patty by the way. He's a great guy and that's a terrific movie and I was the

only thing I was ever envious of other writers, other than their money, was the fact that he wrote a phrase that became part of the American language, which is, I'm mad as hell and I'm just not going to take it anymore. But then I did wag the dog and that became part of the language. Yes, right. That's actually in the dictionary I would have heard. Is it? Well, I think it is because it's a concept.

It's absolutely, I'm sure it's probably in the dictionary. Yes. To wag the dog is to, you know, they'll define it. Yes. That's a big, but what's the one you did with Alec Baldwin? It's like a frothy, I loved it. It's like a... Oh, Staten Man, right? Yes, Staten Man.

Staten Man, he plays... So great. The concept is so great that they... To get it to the two Americans, the movie company is shooting in a small town. So you mix the... It's great. Well, the thing is, they lost the movie company goes on low-key. And he's the movie star He's the movie star and the reason they lost their location is he's a pedophile The he's in the thing with Julia style. She's a young underage girl. He's the movie. Yeah, she's the girl

It and he's drunk and the car goes out of control goes upside down and he He gets out of the car and he looks around and he says, wow, so we're shooting. I said, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I said, let's do this. Get some of the car, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, get out of the car, look around and say, well, that happened. So he gets hysterical, laughing, jumping, open, don't that's kind of become a catch phrase to him.

Well, that happened. That was like the first time you bet. Oh, I think I saw that and thought it was making fun of the fact that it was like a cliche. No, it became the cliche from that. I don't know what that was. And so even my book I said that I always wanted when I've die people to say, we will not see his like again, we'll never see his like again. But then I thought that's insufficient. I want them to say what they said after they burn Joan of Arc, which is we have just killed a saint.

So that's what I want them to do. The sole job, I see, who put the match on Joan of Arc. Don't you think it's ridiculous that they went after Alec Baldwin for just an accident? Or am I just naive about sets? But like, I just never thought it was like one question. Do you think Alec Baldwin was intentionally shooting that person? If the answer's no, why all the bullshit? Well, here's an accident. I just finished shooting a movie. I love being on the set with the

crew in the cast. It's such fun. It absolutely makes up for having to deal with the son of a bitches in the studios and the producers, right? Who couldn't find their ass with two hands and a guard dog. But being on the set is just such fun. And one of the things is you're a family there. You're all engaged in the same thing. And nobody knows what happens on a set who wasn't there. They just don't know. So anything you hear about someone say of this that time, I would doubt it because the people who know don't tell them, the people who tell don't know. Also, we tend to protect each other.

Right. And the other thing is, there's, I don't know if you had this experience, but I have a direct a lot of movies and so forth. There are the stories that we tell them, there are also the stories that we don't tell. So I don't know what happened on that set. Oh, I see. Yeah. I don't know what happened on that film. Oh, I see. Yeah, because, you know, I said this to you like a half hour ago, you really looked at me

like I had two heads as exactly what I'm talking about. I said, you probably love working with the same people. And if this caravan sort of mentality we're on the, you know, we're going out again with the caravan. And yeah, I, it's almost like having an urban in a band. I was like, yeah,

what a great feeling that I'll never know. The feeling of like you're with five other guys or women, whatever, but you're playing instruments and it's working together. And it's the best, right? But here's the thing. So I say, I just,

I just directed this movie and aside from the cast who I know, I didn't know anybody on the crew. I knew the department heads, but I didn't know anybody on the crew. I knew the department heads, but I didn't know anybody. And it was no different than making a movie 50 years ago. It was the same e-foss on the set that they grew up sharing. So that we were, it's like, you know, people in the military, man, your knowledge of like movies is just encyclopedic. Like where do you see all these, so many movies you cite in your book from like the 30s and the 40s? They don't show those movies anymore.

Like when I was a kid, that's what would be on the 430 movie. There's no, you can go through the 50 channels as I do often, like once a day. What's the, are they showing it all these movie channels? No, no, no. And there's never anything that's old like that. You got to go on YouTube. And you know, if you go on, can I, yeah, can I say YouTube? Yeah, I did.

What do you mean? The thing about it, we're on YouTube. But on YouTube, they got every, a lot of them, a lot of it's stolen or borrowed, but they got every movie ever made. So what I do is you say, geez, this, what, look what they're suggesting, this movie with yourovon Mitchell. I never heard of Yovon Mitchell before. I don't, don't, don't, that's a good movie.

Go on your little device. All the Yovon Mitchell movies I want to see them. So that's what I do in the evening with, with my wife. You watch it movie every night. Oh, yeah. Except she's a, she's addicted to British experts. You know what you mean? It's 85 fucking Brit standing in front of Stonehenge

talking funny. Oh, but you cite many British movies. Yeah, I love many British. Oh, sure. And there's somebody who you said was like the greatest actor ever I never heard of him. Who was it? I can't your life, say maybe.

Yeah, that's uncomfortable. Yeah, but he liked me. Okay, your lives, they maybe. Or on convolver. So they like me. OK, we never, we don't know who these people are. And then I know you said you hate Olivier. No, I didn't say I hate Olivier. Olivier did a good thing. You can't stand his acting. No, it's not a very good actor. But here's the thing.

But you know that that's a contrarian view. So what? I used to write for the Guardian Guardian newspaper in London and I took off on Olivia and I said I'm gonna tell you the best actor in the world is and I Says I know you've already beat me to the punchline. It's Tony Curtis. They said Tony I love Tony Curtis. I suspect I'm sure yes. If you look at some like it. How does the best? Oh? Amazing comic performance the Boston Strang how does the best Oh, amazing.

comic performance. The Boston Strangler is the best macabre performance. The sweet son of six. There's a spectacular actor. But Olivier did two things. One of them is he revitalized the theater on stage. He was a great stage director. But the other thing he did was he did a couple of magnificent performances in the movies. One of them is as Hearstwood, Insistic Harry, and the other one is as Archie Rice and the Entertainer, and the other one is great. But he also starred in and directed Henry V, which is superb, and started and directed Hamlet by William Shakespeare, who is, of course, a Jew. William Shakespeare? Oh, you knew that. I did not. Velvus Spirstin? Wait, you're kidding. No. And what's the evidence? Well, it was Samuel Johnson. Someone said, someone has said that in 1642,

Shakespeare is dead for 30 years. And someone said to Samuel Johnson, the great Samuel Johnson, Dr. Johnson, how can you say that Shakespeare was a Jew? And he said, no she gets rights that good. You've heard the headlines, inflation is unchecked. The dollar is collapsing. The government is printing too much money.

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or 33% off for 3 or more displays. Did you see Barbie? 9C Barbie. Do you want to know what I said about Barbie? Hit it. I went to see it in the theater. Okay, there was such fuss. And I blew off with the strike.

And I wanted to like it. And I didn't hate it. It was amusing, visually very, very entertaining. But the premise of the movie is that we live in a patriarchy. And in the movie, Barbie barges into the Mattel headquarters, her makers, and the board of directors is 12 men, because we live in a patriarchy. But I got home and I was like, well, there's actually a Mattel company. You can actually look up what their board of directors is. Yes, the woman who's been the head of Mattel for 60 years. I think that CEO is a man right now, but the board was like

six and six. No, but before that, the woman who was the head of the company. Maybe. And anyway, and then I looked up like what are the figures on women on boards? Well, in the last year, like 2021, they had stats for it. It was like 45% of new board members were women. So to say, to base a movie on the idea that we're living in a patriarchy, when by the very company that you're depicting in the film, you're lying about it.

You're projecting this depicting, rather this company as a board of twelve men, and that's not the world we're living in anymore. So you're making a, a kind of a lie of a movie. Also, she's out of drawing Barbie. Don't get me wrong, I love Barbie. I never had, you know, my sister had Barbies. I played with them, okay. But really, you played with dolls? sister had Barbies. I played with them. Okay. But really you played with dolls? Kidding. Why? Well, because I wanted to be more ecumenical in my approach to childhood. As a child, you do this? I think so. I like Barbie. You know why I like putting on her shoes. Can I say that? You absolutely can say anything here. It's a safe space. Oh good.

Legs were out of drawing. If you look at the proportion of her legs, the 33% too long her legs. She was tall. Yeah. No, but wasn't that she was tall as you're just out of drawing. Well, I mean, she also had like an 18 inch waste and a 38 inch bust, you know, I mean, mean, this was the complaint women had about Barbie for decades that she was creating a unrealistic goal for women to feel like I had to attain, and that you could never, and of course you can't, because it's a fucking doll. Of course you can't have an 18-inch waist. Of also, we had dolls of all of the cowboy heroes and the horses and I love them too.

I still have my GI Joe. Who you? But did you have the Long Ranger and Silver? No, that was out of doll, no. Oh yeah, they had Long Ranger dolls and the little horse put them in the fucking horse. I remember the TV show when I was very, very young. It was like one of the first shows I saw, Hi-O Silver, right?

I was super aware, yeah. Right, and my father, who was in radio, he had done, performed, what is this called? Who does that? One-range-er. In radio, like in the 30s. Or the 40s, something like that.

Yeah. Like in the 30s or the 40s, something like that. Yeah. Mm-hmm. The radio days, I feel, very brief. You know, they went because TV came in like 1950, right? People in the 40s, 50s. Okay. So, and the radio didn't come into the 20s. That's right.

So, right. Okay. So, it really had like a short reign, like when we were just hearing. Yeah. And now with like this, what we're doing, like most people will not see this. Podcasting is a just a, it's almost like old radio. Really? Oh, that's great.

But the thing about radio is you could do it in the car, and you could also do your nails while you're doing a do-the-crossword puzzle. I think Marshall McCleoon would have said it was either a hot or a cold medium. No one knew what the fuck he was talking about. No, we do know that. But we know it even by a cold medium television. In other words, like movie stars, you know, they very often walk down the street and I mean, some of them are of course very

identifiable, but some of them are like, hid behind their characters and so forth and people just don't stop them or they just see them as something sort of remote. Whereas TV, it's in your living room. It's like at the end of your bed, like you're watching it between your toes and people think they know you. But we're the second, but there aren't any movies anymore. People still go to the movie theaters. I saw Barbie there. Yeah, it's kind of coming back, but yeah, I mean,

look, I'm as bad as anybody. Like I saw Oppenheimer, but I saw it in bed because I saw the first eight years of it. Did you really see it? I saw 10 minutes of it. You didn't like it. Here's the thing.

Here's ancient movie. You know, I don't want to piss on somebody's career, but like you're probably buying so many 12 times over, they're welcoming too. But ancient movie wisdom is how do you make any movie better? You know? Got the first 10 minutes. Exactly.

I read that in your book. Sure. Cut the first 10 minutes. Every movie that I see in my wife's season, a lot of people say, they say, where's it? Why don't you start the movie there? Well, I mean, we talked about this in real time a few weeks ago. Your thing also about like,

movies almost don't need dialogue. Yeah. And I think you're working to an audience who you imagine is as smart as you are, and we're not. No, no, no, we do need the first 10 minutes sometimes. Sometimes I need 20 minutes. I drove my car, I didn't get off the bus as we say.

I've never met a stupid audience other than in the boardrooms of the great over here. Audiences are not stupid. And the visuals are stupid, but the combined audience is not okay. Explain that to me, Rich. Sure. Here's what I do. How can we we can we can sit sit here asian complain about how stupid, you know, the American people are and, you know, us too. Let's, I don't think there's something. But, well, some, I mean, the Democrats, yeah. They're educated. Definitely uneducated.

People don't know anything. That's why I have to be putting all this information out about the Israeli conflict, because they have no idea about any of this stuff. So uneducated, and yet you're right, when they get as a group, somehow I think this, maybe it was used, that it's like individually still put, but together with genius.

Yeah, that's what Billy Wilder said. Billy Wilder, okay. Yeah, and it's true. Why? How does that happen? That's excellent question. How does that happen? It happens because we're heard creature. Has to be somebody to do it that, yeah.

And what I'm doing is the same thing that you're doing, right? As we talked a little about this on your other show, you're always thinking about what can the audience absorb, not in terms of information, but almost in terms of rhythm. The joke has got to be on the right rhythm because you're identified yourself with the audience. Most people can't make a movie because they can't even tell a story. How do they tell a story? Say, you know, this may be right.

But, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and also they have no idea about placement. Comedians, certainly, you see this all the time when we're starting and we get hired to do like corporate things, you know, the $300 and you, this is their like when we're starting and we get hired to do like corporate things, you know, the $300 and you, this is their like fucking convention. So you're talking about a bunch of plumbers

or insurance salesmen. And of course, so you're being introduced by a amateur. And very often they'll be like, we have a young comedian here, Bill Maher. He has worked on the tonight show three times like they've sent your name in the middle of the introduction. They don't even notice it at the end, so that just trails off,

and then you have to walk on like a fucking monkey. It's, well, so, here's the thing is that, I used to drive a cab for a living, right? I did everything for a living as a cab driver, and I stopped being a cab driver when I realized that I could actually write something that people would pay to see. I had a little theater company in Chicago.

I said, geez, I'd rather do that. I mean, I like driving a cab, but I'd rather write stuff for a living. So my study has always been how to please the audience. And it hasn't been how to pander to them because there's nothing to pander to. They're pretty smart. They are smart with that. And especially when you say, you're right, like, you can almost not cut too much because they're always ahead of you. That's absolutely correct. So that if you could do the other thing and say, Jesus Christ, make them listen, make them listen, make them wonder, and then pay it off. So they said, Oh, my God, He paid me off here. I'll listen again.

It's the same thing you do in a routine. You build up to a joke, you do something that they didn't expect, and now they're all on, do that again. Yeah, I feel like, sometimes when I'm working on, I like working on a show once a week, because I could like start on the editorial at the end, the thing we were talking about before, but that I just did on a Monday and each day I'm editing it. And like it's almost like getting, okay Monday, it's very crude, but I have all the pieces. And then it's just like in the editing room, I would imagine, it's really fun putting the pieces

in the right, it's like a puzzle that you're, it's like those paragraphs in that. That's great. So that's what dramatic writing is. It's structure. You like writing about, I mean, this is the one you were just on for every one going, I remember reading Bambi versus Gonzilla and finding out in the book, I thought it when I started the book, I'm like, oh, let's see what this metaphor is. Then in the book, you say, no, it's actually a short. It was a what? A short. It was actually a movie. Oh, of course it was. I mean, of course, who the fuck knows this? Everybody knows. Nobody knows this.

Only you know these things. Okay, so what is that? A short of Bambi. Everybody can look it up on YouTube. It's called Bambi meets Godzilla. Okay. It's a black and white cartoon. Here comes Bambi.

Trititrat, trititrat, trititrat. Up on the top of the hill. Uh-oh. Here comes Godzilla. Boom, foam, foam. Godzilla stomps Bambi into strawberry jam, roll credits. That's right. It's seven seconds long. Yeah, you know.

Did you know that Bambi was a boy? Do you know that I'm an animal lover? No. I'm a Peter Bord member. You are? Yes, so like... I love him too. You know what I love? And he could like the medium rare ducks with orange. Okay. I said I talk about this. No trigger. No, just to eat them. I understand. And I eat them too. But I

feel terrible about it. And I only eat cows that died from natural causes after resting comfortably in a private room at Cedar Sinai. Well, I always say, and I have these, I think, disagreements with the pit of people who are vegetarian, but I love them. But, you know, pit of stands for people for the ethical treatment of animals. I'm not sure it's unethical to eat them because they eat each other. I object to torturing them while they're alive.

As long as they're alive, do we have to torture them right before we, and it's not good for us. A lot of the reason why people are in such bad health, why something like COVID happens is because we torture animals and keep them in conditions that make them diseased.

And they pass that disease onto us when we eat them. Well, my house, we always, what I figured out, because we had chicken once in a while, right, like three times a day, but found out that non-ethically treated chickens, you know what they do? They take them and they nail both of their feet to the floor and they force feed them, but with an ethical treat of chicken, they only nail one foot to the floor. Adam, I don't find this funny. I really don't.

I can't, this is, this is, like, yeah. I don't think it's funny to torture animals. I don't think it's so heartless. I love animals. We've got two huge poodles, and we have a step poodle that over there, house all the time. Okay, but you have to love the ones that aren't cute either.

I do? You do? No, I love old dogs. Cats, of course. Yeah, but that's the one. Again, you've picked out the one super cute category. Dogs? Yes.

No, but cats are the, of course, the souls of the evil on dead, but I love dogs. Crazy. And I know, like, kids either. You have kids there at home? No, no, they're all over. Your kids are all grown up. Yeah, they're right. You're an empty nester.

No, I'm an empty nester. But so these kids I was just making a movie with, it's just like going home again. I mean, I could have been their grandfather. I might be their grandfather, I don't know. It was such fun to see the tradition continue. People like that who know about this industry and serious, I mean, Shia, whatever he is,

as a person, I'm glad Shia Buf, whatever he is as a person, I'm glad to hear he's a nice guy. Certainly was, you know, somebody was at the top of his craft. And people like that are usually very aware of the history of the movies and who the players are. So for then, kids that age to be working with, you must be, they must be very excited and nervous about it. I don't know, but I'm sure they are.

Well, here's the thing, if you're the director of a movie, a director of a movie, as long as television, everybody there is two things. They're there because they're very good at their job. And because they want to please, and they, a lot of them have been abused by unfortunate attitude on the set, by directors and what the fuck they're doing. And directors who don't know what the fuck they're doing or producers, none of whom know what the fuck they're doing, they can cause an atmosphere of anxiety. Right?

So, one of the things that any good director has good director, has to do is calm everybody down. So, everybody knows their job, right? You made a mistake, big deal, we'll fix it. We got all the time in the world. And to let everybody know that you understand what they're doing and value them for. Because you do, because there's only one person on the set doesn't have to know the fucking thing that's the director, because everybody else knows their job. So if director actually knows enough to say, thank you, everyone's gonna be happy and then they lose their anxiety. It takes a while, but they lose their anxiety.

But a director has to, are you kidding? Doesn't the director, isn't he, isn't the movie essentially the work of the director. So he's... Well, yes, he has to know more than anybody, yes, to know what the fuck he's doing. Yes, to know, but most movies are a crock of shit,

because the director... And we do what he's doing. Also, well, you and I have some very different view. I can't try to remember that some of the things, some of the movies you're shit on, or said were great that I was like, wow, I love Dave, but like, oh, Titanic.

Yeah. You hate Titanic. It's loadsome. It's great. It's fucking great. Okay. We'll go and see a night. Did you watch it all the way through?

I think I might have. But it's, it's like Leonardo DiCaprio going through different rooms while he's drowning, saying I will find you Okay, I get it, but the original Titanic movie is called a night to remember. I know exactly great movie I bet it's not as good, but I'll for you. I will watch it So what we've talked about something else. Why what oh, yeah, the Television said direct a lot of television. They always say, what does the director do in television? A director is the guy who brings the script downstairs.

That's not. I'm talking about episodic television. Oh, okay. Because the crew is there all the time. The cast is there all the time. The director can't do every one. So the director is coming downstairs and saying, this is the next thing and all the crew is there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, set up. Well, I did sitcoms. So I, and I know what a sitcom director does. He tells you when you are standing in a scene with a mostly other people who are talking to have an activity. Yeah, okay, so big deal. Listen, some directors really know, here's the thing, some directors

are really good at what they're doing, which is directing a film. Some directors come to that bringing one specific skill, for example, the good with the camera or the good writing dialogue or the good directing actors or the good planning out of saying. But no director knows everything on the set, because the knows everything on the set because the other people on the set, the the costume were the makeup person, the continuity person, the DP, spend their lives doing that one thing. So the director's first job is to make sure that everyone is on the same page. They have the same vision and then let them do it. See, it's so hard for me to relate because it's, you're describing it's like

the ultimate collaborative experience. Yeah. And stand-up comedy is the sort of ultimate lone wolf experience. I mean, you know, like musicians, of course, there's many reasons why committee interjealousy of musicians, but what musicians are jealous of us is when we travel.

And so as we, I play the same theaters as bands, and you can see they were there the night before, there's the whole thing is a big, you know, Misha Goss, like moving amps and you know, dozens of people, and we just show up, no sound check. They say, do you wanna do a sound check? I said, you have a microphone,

and can you see if a guy talking to it causes problems? Because that's what I'm going to be doing. Well, there's the biggest scam in the world, right? It's not Obamacare. No, it's the sound check. Every fucking time you go to a sound check, they tune the thing, they tune the thing, the thing, big fucking deal. You show up, it's got a full room, it never sounds like that.

So why do the sounds check? Are you talking about like, where are you, like when you're doing speaking event? Not so much that is music, you know, my wife's a musician. Okay. Sounds like the fuck. Right. Turn the thing on. Let's see if we can hear you.

Well, anyway, but you, you are an actor, right? Aren't you? Didn't you? I said, I said to my friend, William H. Macy, you know, I'm the first one to say I'm the worst actor in the world. He said, no, you're the second one. So I was, I started out as an actor, went to the neighborhood playhouse, school, over theater in New York, but I couldn't act, but I liked watching what the actors were doing. I was trying to figure out from a long time ago, 50 years ago, what actually was happening between the between the actors. And when I realized was when I started writing, that's all you got to do.

Get somebody knows how to act, give them the fucking script, let them talk to each other. That's going to be just fine. Yeah, I get it. I think there's more to it than that. Well, you may, but as I said, I've been living up the house as money for a year, because I figured that out. I know, but it's like saying, well, they just say the word, you have the words, or words that they were written by someone who doesn't know what they're doing or doesn't have the word, you have a though words are, you know, words that we were written by someone who doesn't know what they're doing or doesn't have the talent or their words written by someone who is entertaining to other people. Yeah, sure, but the actor can't do anything about that. If the words are great, it doesn't need the actors help and if the words aren't great,

the actor can't help it. Do you make the actors say precisely word for word? Some directors like Woody Allen famously just tells them, you know, just to, you know, and the, doesn't it to be word for word? Just in, you know, here's, here's a very good answer. I just came up, I even like it. I don't make them say it word for word. They're happy to say it word for word.

Oh, cause it's good. I make the greatest compliment. Right. So it says, yeah, sure, I'll say that. So what if somebody deviates to you, stop them and reprimand them? Well, here's the thing. What I'm actually doing, I'm going to blow my cover, right? I'm going to do it on your show. What I'm actually doing as a dramatic writer is writing free verse. What's actually happening is an epic poem that's been in two or three parts

so that one person is finishing the other's sentence and it's all rhythmic. So if something, so the reason, because it's rhythmic, it's fun to say, right? But the actor doesn't have to manipulate or he's not coming up against a boulder so that it's very rare that an actor is going to say, wait a second, this line doesn't work. And because that's very rare for an actor says that I'm going to listen to it. And I'm going to say, oh, okay, let me work on that.

Man, I, you know, I was an actor. Like, when I, we all started out as all of us, and there's been the early 80s comics and we all wanted to then get on a sitcom. So yeah, like I made my living more as an actor like in the 80s. Never really got into it, but I would come back at a retirement to do something. I mean, it's not too late for us to work together. I couldn't do, go ahead. I couldn't. Go ahead. late for us to work together. I can do, go ahead. I can't do, go ahead. No, you think I can't do this thing you do?

Oh, I can do your thing. Of course you can. Here's the thing. I cast two guys as villain. I love comics, right? The greatest performance in the world is of a comic is Jackie Gleason and the Hussler. One of the second greatest of comics as actors.

Yeah, is Jerry Lewis King of Comedy. I did Steve Martin and Tim Allen, both portrayed villains. Yeah, they were fucking right. Tim Allen and Reddult. That's right. So you're on, my next, that would be fun. Yeah, I'm sure. that would be fun.

Yeah, I'm sure. I'll be great. I'm working on another movie, and I'm finishing up this other movie, about confidence, man. And you feel no like diminishing energy at this point? No, I'm listening. That's what I do all day as I sit in a room by myself. I read a little bit, I take a nap at right a little bit.

You know, if you write 500 words a day, that's 25 and it always sober. Sober? Sober. Oh yeah, no, like, you know, I took a super pot once. I'm me too. And I'm still hallucinating 50 years later. My lips have never touched alcohol.

That's amazing. You know why? It's because I put a fucking thing past the lips. Yes, I've read about you. You drank. Yes, I've been out to take a ride. I can't drink it. But that's amazing that you've never gone into drugs of any kind because you know, into drugs of any kind because you're hardly the first like esteemed like big-time, serious person writer to come to Hollywood, even though maybe you already were here, but I mean, I'm talking about the history of like F Scott Fitzgerald and all those great writers of that era

who all got seduced, right, to come Dorothy Parker every, nobody ever, I mean, even a Faulkner, didn't he write some shit? You did. I didn't get seduced. I just got paid. No, but I'm saying, when you read about most of those dudes, they coped by being drunk. No, they were drunk. Scott, I'm not talking about Dorothy Parker, but Scott Fitzgerald was a drunk.

But it seems like they were using liquor to cope with the things that you bitch about in those books. No bullshit. They were using liquor to get drunk. Okay, but yeah, okay. Well, getting drunk is fun, but it's also can be a coping mechanism. Come on. No, I don't need a coping. I do. You know, here's the thing. My people have been Jews for 6,000 years, right? No, I don't need a coping. I don't need a coping. No, but people. My people have been Jews for 6,000 years, right?

My grandparents all came over here with nothing. The civilization they left behind was destroyed. My dad was Russian. And Russia, Russian Poland, right? And indeed, Spain. And my dad was raised in poverty by a single mom, put himself through law school on the GI bill. I've had this wonderful career in this magnificent country

enjoying the liberties that a lot of men and women lived and died for, writing for a living. So I'm like the ancient Jews with the push card. I'm gonna sell everything on a push card, and if you buy it, I'm gonna go out and pull up and bring down another push card. I'm going to sell everything on a push card, and if you buy it, I'm going to go out and pull up and bring down another push card. And those Jews who started out with the push cards started the mercantile empires.

That's the thing that pisses me off the most about this dialect that's going now on about with the problems in the Middle East. The stunning lack of perspective and the the problems in the Middle East, the stunning lack of perspective, and the the kid, the college kids, who have just no idea how lucky they are. And I'm not a rar-ra America guy, you know, I don't get a boner when the blue angels fly over,

I don't give a shit about any of that. Don't? Have you tried Viagra? Viagra. Viagra. It's so funny. There's the blinges flying over you. But fuck them.

But I gotta say, but I do understand. I do have read the paper since I was a kid. I understand roughly what the rest of the world is. And it's just a little, like all these really radical things I read about how great Hamas is after the attack from a lot of professors at Ivy League colleges and big time colleges. And like a lot of them were, you could tell by the name. They were people, they were Islamic, they were from the Middle East.

And you know, like the guy at Cornell who said he was exhilarated by the attack. I mean, some really radical stuff. And then, you know, you're right about all this stuff in the article that they've said in the past. And then, not only it's the Jew hitting, but America hitting. I mean, really, really don't like this country. And I feel like it's very cheeky to come here, like, purposely, you came to a different country, your parents did.

You gave up your country. So you came to this one created by a completely different culture that you obviously want to be in, but you only shit on it about how terrible it is compared to the place that you left. Listen, it's easy to be a victim, right? You don't need anything except, you know, larynx. Okay, it's hard to create something. Right. I was very, very, very fortunate in that I got out of college with no skills and no support, whatever. So I always worked for living, I always work weekends and some was always worked for living at every job

in the world. And I figured out pretty young that if I wanted to take a girl out to lunch, I better make a little bit more money than I make it now. And then later on, if I wanted to buy a house or a car, I had to work harder. And please, people, which is what capitalism is about. You make money through supplying a need. I never took girls to lunch. You didn't. No. I just thought it was a dead end. It was like, you know, the only people were going to get laid after lunch. You have to be like really like what's one of those adonis guys. Oh, so it's all about sex. Of course. When I was like going out to meals with, you know, that whole certain point in my life where I was like, I will never like use dinner

to try to get laid again. I will go out to dinner with anybody who I like, who I genuinely like, I will never like use dinner. I'll try to get laid again. I will go out to dinner with anybody who I like, who I genuinely like, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship, but like to, you know, dinner dating was how I, when I was like in my 30s. That's what you did, 40s probably even. Of course. You go out to dinner as your calling card.

It was an interview to see if you want to fuck me. It's just not but what is that? It's terrible. I'm gonna tell you something that you know you never do I'm gonna say you're never too old to learn but probably you are too well I just I just learned this right I've been married to this Angel to 35 years and it was most beautiful person ever. And great in your movies. Oh, it's just such a wonderful act as a different date and man. Thank you. Just hysterically funny and I said to her one day, you know, you're so wonderful. You're the woman of valor. You're the girl of my dreams. I'm nuts about you. I miss you with the other room.

Why did you marry me? She said, I don't know. You seem like a nice enough guy. So anyway, I got a whole bunch of daughters and we're sitting around having a couple drinks and having dinners and we're talking about dating and taking people out to dinner, right? And I say, well, you know, to take the girl out to dinner to try to induce her to go to bed with you. Right. And they all looked at me blankly. I said, what? One of my daughters says, dad,

every girl has decided whether she's going to go to bed with you or not. Before you go out to dinner and there's nothing that's going to change your mind. And I looked at my three daughters and my wife and I said, what? They went, duh. Yeah, I wish I had known that too. Yeah.

I may not be just discovering this now, but again, I haven't actually done this in a long time. I mean, you know, there's a certain point where it just becomes undignified and it just, you just have to figure out something else. I mean, you could probably reduce all of men and women kind into ways that they, ways we need to mate and like, how do you get there? Like cops, I'll pull you over and make you flirt with me. You're scared of me. That's how I do it. And like, producers, I come out in a bathrobe and masturbate into the plant. That's how I do it. And like, you know, producers, I come out in a bathrobe and masturbated to the plant. That's how I do it. You know, whatever, whatever it is, everybody's got a way.

And it also changes through your life. I mean, you've been married a long time. So, you know, this is probably... I told you I did a play about Harvey Weinstein, right? They tell you this? Harvey Weinstein. But specifically him. specifically him. Yes. Ramana Clay. Yes, exactly. It was John Malkovich playing a Harvey Weinstein-like character in. And it was a play called Bitter Wheat. And we did it in the West End. It was a gosh, that was fun.

Was it before he was busted? Yes. But did it portray him as, well, we didn't call him Harvey Weinstein. No, but did it portray him as a rapist? Oh, yeah. He said, look, it was not even up to discussion. I mean, come on. Right? Well, certainly the rumor is about him before the Me Too movement began, I guess it was October 2017 with that story in the Times, was that he was a bully, that he was awful to people. You figured he was probably fucking around, but I don't think anybody. Certainly not in my circles knew he was a serial rapist.

I didn't know. I did a little bit of business with him. He was a bully, but so what? He didn't rape you. Didn't rape me. No, no. It's, you know, it's always been the secret sauce of the movie business from day one. His old fat Jews came over here and they said, Jesus Christ, I can have any shakes in the walls by putting her in the movies, time went by, time went by, and people said, yeah, I can have any shakes in the world by promising to put her in the movies. The problem is that everybody comes out here with stars in their eyes. And they say, well, Jesus Christ, you call yourself a producer, you call yourself an agent, you call, please, please help me.

And the person says, okay, they wanna be lied to, lied to them. But it is pretty amazing that certainly in that era that you're talking about the 30s and 40s and the Louis B. Mayer, you know, or the four carry ones. That's the way. We had all these people,

they had a little extra role come up and take dictation at four o'clock a day after. And that I did not know. Oh, yeah. Like all of them, like Warner and... Right. I mean, but that in that era, and I'm sure quite a few years after that, definitely many years after that, up until the present time to a degree, but certainly things have changed.

I mean, back then, it was just sort of day regur. A woman just had to walk around like, rape is something that could happen. There's no real recourse, just avoid it. Just try to not be in that vulnerable place. That was it because if it happened, I mean, unless they're all lying about that. Well, it looks the other thing is that the studio's own the cops, right?

They had their own cover up in the old studio days. It's just that society was ruled by men at the time. Men, it was a patriarchy again. It's not like Barbie got it wrong. It just got it wrong by the year we're in. It was a patriarchy, so they just didn't care. It just wasn't something that was prosecuted, like crimes against black people were in prosecuted.

And you know, you could just do things and that was just accepted. I mean, the Wilson things so look at. Some things get better. Everything got way better. My always, this point I stole that line from Stephen Pinker, but progressive phobia he calls it, that liberals are like, they have this allergy to pro, to acknowledging progress. Like somehow that makes you less of a person.

Like the worse I think, I think things are, the more morally superior I am to you. Things haven't changed at all. And of course, it's just such nonsense. You just look around you, just open your eyes, things are just completely different. There's still work to be done. Of course, there's always work to be done. There's always work to be done. Listen, you know what I correct to me the other day is this woke-isms, the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. But it occurred to me, well Dave, look on the bright side. No Dave, you can't look on the bright side because you're a Jew. Yes, but I will try to look on the bright side. So here's what I think. It's the one bright side of woke-ism. You turn on the television, you work

and watch and sports or something like that. All of the commercials and most of the people in the television shows are people of color, right? So it's bad for white actors, but I think other than it used to be bad for black actors, right? Big deal, right? Exactly. But the good thing is that white America gets used to looking at black people, not as Sydney pointier, not as Willie Best, but as people. And so that's really great. And that's been going on for quite some time. I mean, it certainly did not go on at all.

I remember during the pandemic, I rewashed all the old Columbus. And you cannot find a black person in that show. And this is the 1970s except for the cop who comes in and says, over here, Lieutenant, that was the accent of it. Yeah. Well, let's know. And now it's true. Like if a Martian came down and just watched TV for four hours, he would not think that African Americans are a minority in this country. And I'm happy about that. Like he said, turn about his fair play. Just don't tell me it's not happening. That's like, especially with all the race, just let's just live in the year we're living in and don't portray

the world we're in right now today as what it's not. Yes, it was bad. And it doesn't make you better to align yourself with how bad you feel about how bad it used to be. Yes, it used to be bad. And we didn't do it. But here's a phrase from World War II. You know where you find sympathy. It's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. What's that? My dad. He said that's what he learned in the army. Did your dad fight in a war? He had listed in age 17. He didn't get a war. World War II.

My father was in World War II. Oh, your father enlisted, but couldn't. Yeah. He enlisted and he had this... He signed up yet to get a letter from his mom. 17 years old. It was Pearl Harbor enlisted. And he had this thing work along with here to get a letter from his mom. 17 years old, it was Pearl Harbor and listed. And he had this thing work up along with his eye and they operated on, they fucked him up,

he spent the war and a bed in a army hospital, you know, near a death, but he always felt bad, he didn't get over. My uncle did, he fought in the battle of the bulge. I think my father fought that one too. You know, boy, that generation, my mother used to ask her about that. And she would always say, you know, this, because this is the greatest generation. She said, we weren't great until we had to be. You know, when the shit hit the fan, but she said, we were like, you know, kids with Bobby Soxers, you know, they went nuts for Frank Sinatra at the Paramount Theater, and you know, they were like lightheaded like anybody else. It just made me think like the events forged this in a generation. And the question is, would that happen to this generation? I mean, they're also just like,

but they're head in the clouds. But if some shit happened, what if there was like, what if we had a real war? You know, like Putin does some shit and then we do some shit and then we're fighting Russia and we're all going. Well, I think it depends on how much money the Biden's getting at that time from whom.

So you hate Biden. I don't hate him. He's an old hack. and how much money the Biden's getting at that time from whom. So you hate Biden. I don't hate him. He's an old hack. He's definitely an old hack. That's true. But an old hack can be good at times. Maybe yes and maybe no. You know, he's always been a bad man, his whole life.

Okay. In fact, these people asked me to write a movie about about his son, a woman, a club about his son, which I know. And I was thinking, Hunter, Hunter, an air duo, like crackhead. Yeah, so I was thinking about Hunter's talking to somebody, my Hunter-like person, talking to somebody who wants to get something from any hunters. Do you know who my people are? Do you know who my people are? And I say, I don't know who your people are.

Yeah, I know your people up. I know who you are. You're a bad man and you inherit of the bag. So, you know, there is that. I grew up in Chicago. These things don't shock me. Yeah, I mean, it's also a crime, not ad-ro, but trivial compared in my view to Trump's crimes.

Well, I don't know what those crimes are, but that's, well, that's trying to overthrow the government of the United States, trying to illegitimately seize power that does not rightfully go to you because you didn't win an election. That's what Trump's crime. And then he's being put on trial for it. It's going to happen by money. Well, we'll see. I mean, I know that with a trial, it's definitely going to happen. We'll see the outcome. Good. But the trial is definitely happening.

Listen, here's the thing. This is why the Biden administration has seen to it that we have peace in the Middle East. We have low inflation. The borders are closed. The cities are safe. And I think that's what is this a Fox News commercial. I mean, you know, first of all, all those things you ticked off. There's a lot of people. You aren't going to tell me that Trump is responsible for that. Of course you are. Well, I don't know what are we talking about, but you mentioned first inflation.

Well, inflation actually has been falling now. There was, look, there was inflation because we stupidly, and I know we agree on this one, COVID. We stupidly spent more than we did on World War II on COVID. I mean, that's pretty astounding. And of course inflation was also, but that spending on COVID came from both the Trump administration

and the Biden administration. They both, of course, sure. OK. So that's why we had inflation. Actually, the truth of the matter is, America came out of the pandemic with a better economy than all the other big boy countries. Somehow stock market just hit a high.

Unemployment is microscopic. Wages went up. They were completely wiped out by inflation, that's true. But somehow they now, it was in the paper last week, soft landing is what they're saying. There's not going to be a recession. That's not it. I mean, you know, you're piloting something. You're a fucking sullen burger trying to land this on the Hudson. A little credit. No. To whom? To Biden. He's a crook. But what about the economy, which affects more? Let me ask you a question because we say

there's no inflation. When was the last I didn't say no inflation But what was the last time you you could fill up your car and looked at it It's a lie. Do you or me that doesn't make any difference? Yes, doesn't make a difference. I don't want to go fill it up No, I'm saying that the price but on my corner of gas of seven have books a gallon, right? The price of gas affects everybody's and it and but you know who does not affect the price of gas affects everybody. Yes, and you know who does not affect the price of gas that much? Presidents.

Presidents don't really affect the price of gas. Everybody plays that political game, both parties. You'd think the president was out there with the long poles changing the number of the price of the gas. It's about supply and demand, like anything. And that is very often, is there a war in the Middle East? Yes, well, then, maybe Saudi Arabia is going to pull back and then, or refineries have trouble in the United States. But you're missing the point. The point is that the first thing that Biden didn't

when he came in was stop drilling for oil. We were a mass on that export and now we're in that importer. That's what drove the price of gas. But we don't need to be in that importer. We import a different, we make way more than we use because we're like number one in that now. But we, for some reason, there's a certain type of oil we'd rather import than use ourselves, it's complicated, but yes, we do export oil. And yes, I agree with you in principle that if, you know, it doesn't matter where the oil comes from if you're burning it. So why not us get the profit until we actually figure out how to get off oil?

Other countries have had this problem. Germany did it. They said, look, we're going to get off the oil and we're going to go blah, blah, blah, solar, this much nuclear, this much this. And they fell short. And what did they have to do? They had to go back to coal to fill up the gap because people are not going to sit in their freezing homes until you figure it out down to the last detail. So they had to go back to the worst thing. So I agree. It's silly. If you're going to use the oil, not to use good old American oil. It's not silly, it's stupid.

Because the people who are concerned about the environment, they say, well, no, no, no, we aren't going to use oil, we're going to use the oil. P.S. if they're concerned about the environment, something I've never been able to understand, like the Iran deal, whatever that was, is why America is opposed to nuclear, which would solve all of the energy problems. I agree.

Well, I can tell you why people are opposed because when it goes wrong, it goes very wrong. It's like marriage. When it goes wrong and it goes like super bad wrong, it's like the nightmare of all time. Yeah, but what France has been using it for 70 years? Yes, they have, but we've also had Fukushima. We've had Chernobyl and we've had three mile island. So, like, basically, every 20 years, we had a disaster. And, like, what I want to swim anymore in the Pacific Ocean,

I'm not sure because Japan released some of that into the ocean and I think it gets everywhere. Japan did that? Yeah, those swine. Is this why we bombed Pearl Harbor? No. So the Japan would have swine in the German. That's right.

Did you know, speaking of Japan, there was a guy who had a very, very high level sushi restaurant at Santa Monica Airport, really great stuff. And he got busted for sewing whale. This is true, whale. Yeah. He was selling whale, so he fucking killed a whale. Well, I don't know if he killed it, but he served it. But like how do you,

like how many people would you have to have to cut up the whale? Yeah, a lot of people. Oh really? But a lot of freezers. I know, but a whale's big. The wheel's very, very big, but he wouldn't have been, wouldn't have been discovered, but there was a guy broke his tooth on a harpoon. Are you setting me up for that for the beginning of that? Well, maybe yes, maybe not, but it's true of the whales.

Absolutely true. Many. They saw them in the office and saw them well. And they also used to sell these little crawfishes. You'd go there and the crawfish that cut their heads off and served them. And the crawfishes were still moving around. When you ate them was great. I hate to, I will not eat anything that's fighting me for my fork.

So, I have a place in Catalina, because my friend and I think that there's going to be another earthquake and a disaster. So we got a boat and we got a place in, a little place in Catalina, it's a bug out. And when we go to Catalina, I don't go that much because I hate boats, but you see the whales crossing. I know. And it's like, I used to go to Catalina for lunch, I'd say to win really? Yeah, with a girl.

No, I would go from, I'd go from San Amago airport. I used to go to for lunch. And they got an airport at the airport. There's a restaurant that used to be open, still may be 365 days a year. So we would go there on Christmas and New Year's and have a Buffalo burger. Do you celebrate Christmas? No, I'm a Jew. I know, but like it's also a national holiday. Oh, it's not a fucking national. It absolutely is. It'sational. But it's different. Christmas is different, excuse me. I was raised Catholic, but my mother, I didn't even know this until I was a young teenager, was Jewish, like her family was Jewish, they never went to temple,

so there was no formal training, but that's her. I told you, no, they're Jewish. That's her. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, well that they were average. So like, as a kid, you know, I was so traumatized by going to church. And like, so this thought of religion was just like,

pain, pain, pain. So I didn't like think of things like, why doesn't mom ever go to church with us? And, you know, so, but we had a Christmas party every year. But the people who lived in our area were my mother's relatives, not my father's, not the Catholics. They lived in Maryland or some shape. But my mother's family, they lived nearby, so they came over.

We had a Christmas party and it was Christmas with fucking Santa Claus and the tree and the presents and all the people there were Jews, or at least cultural Jews. And nobody told me or thought it was important that I know, and it wasn't important that I know. I think that's so much better. Yes, it's a national holiday. We didn't get all Jesus' see about it, but they also were aware that I was a kid who was being raised Catholic.

No, you're full of shit on that point of the... But we've been talking for an hour, so you're doing good. But there's an old joke about these three Jews when they're talking about how much of What bigger? Apicoros means on a prostate. How much is on a prostate? One guy says your chorus? Apicoros means an apostate somebody. It actually comes from the Greek Epicurian means I take a little bit of this I take a little bit of that. So one guy says I'm such an apicoros I think a little bit of that. So one guy says, I'm, I'm such an apicoros

that I don't celebrate the Sabbath. Because I says, I'm such an apicoros, but not only don't I celebrate the Sabbath, I eat pork on the Sabbath. I says, I'm such an apicoros. The order of getting pork on the Sabbath, I eat pork on yum kippur, and I suppose to be fasting. And the other guy says, you're not, you're not an apricot, it's your gory. So Jews do not celebrate Christmas. Your Jews celebrated Christmas. Why? Okay, we celebrate. Yes, we did.

Why am I apologizing for this? It's a national holiday. The whole country does it. It doesn't mean we're being so bad. Well, I'm an American citizen. I've been paying too many taxes for a billion years. I don't consider it a national holiday. Okay.

Well, I agree to disagree. Listen, the Jews, and this is my experience too, the assimilation is Jews. One of the say yes, they wanted their kids to celebrate Christmas because they thought they were being deprived, right? So what does that say to a kid? of great Christmas because they thought they were being deprived. Right? So what does that say to a kid?

It says something about being a Jew makes you deprived. So in order to make you undeprived, we're going to let you do what the Christians do. You know, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Well, that's true. You know, I don't know if we have to... I mean, that's one of my issues with progressives today, as opposed to old-school liberals. It's like they have to read, race into everything, and it's not in everything.

It is an important issue. It's not in everything. And I don't think that a kid who's not a Jewish kid enjoying a Christmas tree and Santa Claus. I mean, Santa Claus is a Christian, it comes from Christian myth, right? That's not, yeah. Okay. So you kids can't, you know, you never like, got your kids enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Santa Claus.

It's not, it's, it has nothing to do with genetics. It has to do with religion. No, Santa, I'm just asking you, like, you're saying that, saying that the, that, uh, Jewish kids, it's not a question whether people are genetically Jewish. You're on a different direction. The question I want the witness to answer it. Did you allow your kids to enjoy Santa Claus?

When they were a second, what a second. Did I allow them to, the Santa Claus? Yeah, Santa Claus, let me, let me refresh your question. You were saying that I deprived my kids from the, did you? Deprived them of enjoying Santa Claus. I didn't deprive them from it. I just didn't expose them to it. You might as well say everywhere. They must have seen it in the, not in the house.

Oh, come on. They must have, they must have had it. Not in my house. Oh, come on. They must have, they, they, they must have had the Michael Jackson blinders on. Let me ask you something. You think I should have, was it depriving my kids from enjoying Ramadan? No, but what's the difference? Well, differences, they are different. Well, first of all, okay, but there's a difference. It's something called the Judeo Christian tradition. We are linked together Jews and Christians Jesus, of course, was a Jew and if so, why the Spanish name? No old joke That's not bad. It was one of my first you know the old joke what did Jesus say to the teamsters? I'll be back soon or don't do anything to back to the moon or don't do anything to like a bad. All right. Well, I will be January 27th. Wow. We're in the year 2024. It sounds, it actually sounds like futuristic still

to me. San Diego Civic Theater, but I'll really be there. February 16th at 17th at the David Copperfield at the MGM Grand in Vegas, Mark II at the Houston Hobby Center. You ever go to Vegas? I went to Vegas. What do you see Martin to see? Oh, to see a Marty Short. To see Marty Short and Steve Martin. Doesn't half of things change, take place in Vegas?

They go to Vegas. Takes place. We actually shot at North Tahoe, but it's supposed to be a Vegas. Right. But oh, but it wasn't Vegas. No, it was the Cal Naval Lodge that used to be owned by the mob. And I think that what you let that Ellison, just Larry Ellison, just bought it. Yeah.

No, that's where Sinatra was. There was some shit that went down there. Oh, it all went down there. But something with him. I think he had to sell it. Oh, yes, yes, Yes, yes, yes. He also is very pissed when Jack Kennedy did not visit him in Palm Springs. Of course. Which is all the area you're talking about. The Mafia, the that whole thing. So that's what the movie is about

that you can't talk about. It's about the, it's about from the Mafia's point of view. And it's Al Pacino. I used to be Al Pacino. I put this whole cast that I put together, but something happened to the movie. I don't know. But it's Barry Levinson. I believe this week, it's Barry Levinson. It's a week.

Yes, sir. But Barry did the best thing for me. I was in Lebanon for about years ago and calls up. He says, I got this, this is book called American hero. It's about a president who needs to go to war to divert attention from something that he's done. He says I want you to write it. I say sure. He gave you that idea. Yeah. He says you want he says I'll send you to book. I said no, I don't need to read the book. I'll write it. Yeah.

Goes to war because they catch him fucking a girl's cut. Right. Sure. It's okay. And so I think six weeks later, they were filming the movie. I sat right.

Six weeks later. I think, yeah. I think they were all set up with the new author. You were good. You wrote it that fast. What? You wrote it that fast. Yeah.

I mean, I kind of came together pretty quick. So here's the Neuros' story. I don't think it's in my book that I did a lot of movies with Bobby, the Untouchable. Did the Untouchables, where no angels, wag the dog, right? Oh, yeah. Two others that I did with them. In any case, I wrote this movie The Edge that it was eventually Anthony Hopkins and Alex. And before, Alex, it was about the big bear, yeah. So before the thing I did a reading of the movie,

Bob Diner wanted to do a reading. Okay, what's the reading? Sure. The thing you find out over the time is anytime a movie said I want to do a reading, they're never going to do a movie, right? Because it gives them an excuse not to do the movie, they're fucking around. Really? Yeah. I don't know why, but that's what it is. Because they all mumble, mumble, mumble, because they all know the reading of it for the first time. Couldn't it be just that they legitimately went into the reading, wanting to know what it sounded like, and then they heard it, and just thought, no, this is not for me.

If I wrote it, no. So anyway, we do the reading. We do the reading. And Bob comes up to me afterwards. It's very graceful. He's very gracious. He says, Dave, you know, it's good. It's really good.

It's really good. But I don't think it's me. I said that, okay, thanks for doing a reading. I appreciate it. No, he says, I want you to understand. I like it so much. But it's got to, I got to love it before I can put my hands on it. I only have so many and if it's not me and I don't love it, I just can't do it.

Are you angry with me? Of course not. He says, you're really not angry with me? I said, no, I'm not angry with you. He says, good, would you do me a favor? I got to squawk a shit, I'm supposed to start shooting on Wednesday. I'm gonna say, all the people should say, oh, I only picked from the finest. I only fleeced the greatest sheep.

No, this guy just likes to work. No, he's of course a brilliant actor. I love by Robert De Nirol, like we all do as any loyal American would, but he definitely wants to work. It seems like 52 weeks a year. And he's done a lot of movies that are just like, he's always good, but it's so, so. And as far as like being super picky like that, let me tell you, Casino, love the movie, love Scorsese, although Raging Bull, did we talk about this? Okay, not my favorite, but Casino, he's playing a Jew, and his greatest

actor is he is. I just, he, sometimes it's just in you, and he is not a Jew. Well, nobody can play a Jew except Roderick Crawford. Roderick Crawford, I know the name, I barely remember him. I'm petroleum, he's this big fat Irish guy, but he does the best Jew in the world in a movie Frank's laptop movie called Mata's a stranger where he plays a Jewish doctor. You should check that out Not as a stranger. Yeah, you know all these I love them

You know, that's that's what and the other thing I wouldn't even know where to Begin though. I guess, YouTube. Yeah. YouTube. So you're, as a gag man, you and me both gag men. You do the same thing. I do. If you're looking at a comic, you say, why didn't that joke work? It almost worked what's wrong with it, right? Of course you do. Yeah. I mean, so that's what I do with movies. I say, just, I'm looking at that movie. It didn't quite work. What would I, how would I fix it? And what, what is, you're saying the problem besides the first 10 minutes? The problem is that movies work.

Here's our movies work when the lights go down, we have their attention. The problem with movies to keep their attention until the end. You wouldn't get rid of the first 10 minutes of saving private Ryan, would you? No, that's the best part of the movie. That beach landing is amazing. It's magnificent. That's the best part of the movie. I love it all.

Yeah. I would combat as a kid. Me too. Vic Moro. Vic Moro and Jason as Lieutenant Hans. Oh yeah. It's Kirby and Little John and Cage, the squad. That, to me, saving private line was just like

the greatest, bestest combat episode ever. They have a mission, they're a squad, you know, it just was like that blown up too. It was marvelous, marvelously done. Oh good. So Titanic bad, but private ride. I can't take the bad. Listen, here's the thing, you talked about Barbie

and what you said was the visual blah blah. I mean, the point that talks about the visual blah blah where it means the movie's not fucking good. Well, yeah, I mean, that's, I was trying to be nice. And no, I mean, that's not true. There's sometimes a movie, it's that there would never be my favorite movies, but there are movies that are, yes, visually arresting.

But yeah, I saw at once. I'll never, I don't need it. But that's not the first thing people say. If they live the movie, say, Jesus Christ, you're going to love the Bob, Bob, Bob. He's great. She's great, Beverly Bob, but he boo. One doesn't say, yes, the visual blah, blah.

No, no. No, butiberty, Biberty, Boo. One doesn't say yes, the visual blah, blah. No, no. No, but you can like things for different reasons and some things can be not on the highest level. You know, I have, I use the old iPod for my music. I have over 4,000 songs in there. Are they all like five-star, no, but they're all good? Yeah, or they wouldn't be in there. I like movies like five star? No, but they're all good. Yeah. Or they wouldn't be in there. I like movies. I'll watch bad movies. I'll watch any movie. Which drives my wife crazy. Because I

like to see, I like to see how we did that. Why did that work? Why did that not work? You know, if it's a guy, a guy and a girl and a gun and it's black and white, I'll watch it for fuck and ever. But the theater, I'm just the opposite of it. It's no good. That's why I can't go because I can't walk out. When you start like a project, did it ever happen that you're like, oh, I'm writing a play, but you know what? This is better as a movie or the other one. It does.

Or a book, really. Yeah, sure. And you switch? Yeah, sure. Wow. Because it wasn't, because it was just something about it felt more like a movie at some point. Exactly so.

Right. You know, like I say, it's basically it's a push card. I'm going to sell you everything in a push card. I can. And then I'll sell you the fucking push card. Right. And I'm just asking about why youth, but that's again, you do yourself a disservice.

You also take obviously a great pride, as you should in the quality of what you're selling. It's not just about fooling us into buying it. You want it to be good. You want it to stand the test of time as so much of your stuff does. You want people to be talking about the plays as they do. People still talk, like I said, they quote that play and speed

the plow and Oliyana is back and you want a legacy. Everybody in show business does. I don't want to fucking legacy. I just want to pay my rent. My wife calls it. I don't believe you. I really don't. I call money shoe coupons. I got to go on. Michael, Michael, live in. Did you, did I to go out and make a, make a living. But did you, did I tell you about where I get my ideas? Did I tell you this one? People always say, where do you get your ideas? There's a little Mexican guy and he sells them off the back of his truck and then you see, you know, and Ralph's parking lot on Wednesday afternoon. That's where I get them.

How long have you lived in this California paradise that we find ourselves in? I moved to a bug 22 years ago. Oh that recently. I mean, so like a lot of the movies that you made you were not living in LA at the time. No, no, no. And I used to have to come out here for meetings and shit. I came out here from very few meetings. I came out here and actually they loved them, right? Really. They used to put the, if you were a writer or a Brit, they used to put you up at the Chateau Mérimon, right, which was heart and cold running junkies. You know, and I grew up in Chicago. I lived in all kinds of places. Their idea of what was a luxury hotel, living room hotel, was beyond, it was like cockroaches

on the floor, people screaming, they're guts out. You know, it's like the hippos spot in Hollywood. I heard that, yeah. I mean, for many years, my friend owns it, and he's a genius at, good. Yeah, it's like making a place. Hip, he owns the one in London, the children firehouse, same thing.

It's like the hottest spot. Well, good for you. So, I know it does look... I never wanted to stay there because I don't like a hotel. It's sort of like old and, you know, I want to block out the sunlight in the morning and I want the tub to look clean and it doesn't look like... Look,'t look like Barbara Stanwick died in there. Well, that's exactly what it looked like. I know, but I'm telling you, if you were to go to the lobby of the restaurant of the

Chantamuramon tonight or any night, you would see, like, I bet you your actress star daughter knows this very well and has been there. It's the kind of place where people like that, the young, exciting actors and actresses and the directors and all the beautiful people, I'm telling you, the shat-tum are mine. Good for them. But listen, I'm just telling.

When I first started out and showed, I was very successful writer and Broadway. And I came up to write a movie for Bob Ravelson and Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lang. And they put me in a postman. And they put me up at the chateau, which was, that was your first? Yeah.

So it was like, I think I said it was, and you've never been that way. I don't think so, I don't think I'd buy it. So it was a complete demotion for me to be a star. Well, you did it. So I'm going to see a card of you didn't think that way, especially a movie lover like you. Yeah, you're right.

So anyway, they put me up the Sish Hatto and Bob Waffles in the direct, they lived across the street. So we used to go to his house. And it was the first New Year's day that I've ever been in show business. He had a party which was Jack Nicholson, scap man, brothers, Hunter Thompson, the shining man. Yeah, right. So that was Hunter Thompson. Yeah, my introduction to the show business. What was he like? He was very quiet. Really? Yeah. You know, he was a madman in his life. I don't know. I just,

we, and thank somebody asked me to write an introduction to Fear of Molding in Las Vegas. So, I did. And that's a very good book. Fair, yeah. I love, I have to read him in Rolling Stone, you know. Yeah. I love reading that, they don't do that much anymore, but that kind of, I think they call it gonzo journalism. Yeah, sure. It was kind of new at the time and PJ Aorak, PJ Aorak, another, that was my favorite, like out that magazine era. The other thing, I've been working on this novel

for a while, I hope to. And a novel. Jesus. I do it for, I do it for a little bit. You do, you obviously got more than one like iron in the fire so like during a writing day are you working on multiple things maybe I just do whatever listen there's a guy used to be if you look at old movies black wet, the women's clothes were always spectacular, but equally spectacular with the men's clothes. I agree.

Because they had a bunch of pillars, maybe 500 of them. They were mainly Italian. And you can't get a suit made that good today anywhere. Also the cut. It's magnificent. They also had better designs, like old fops and 18thth century and the collars, I can't describe it well but when I see it I go whoa that is so much more interesting and cool than what we're wearing. Exactly so. So anyway reason I bring this up is there was a, I live in, I have

an office and it's wonderful block over in Santa Monica. Very interesting people there. One of them is a tailor called Enzo Caruso is about my age and is a genius. It's absolute genius. And like the old Italian tailors, he'd lend his trade over there in Italy. And I went in to say hi to him the other day and he's cleaning out the shop. He's retiring. You know, he's been, he's been, I've been there 45 years. I'm getting on to AD's retiring. You know, he's been, he's been, I've been in 45 years, I'm getting on to ADM retiring. And what I wanted to say to him, except they didn't want to get mushy was every day I wouldn't go and get a cup of coffee for 20 some years. He was always

at the sewing machine with his head down working six days a week. My heart just went out there and said, God bless you. You know, A, he's a genius at what he does and he's always like the guy in things change with the shoe. Exactly so. And so we, but now you met the other guy first. So that's kind of like, you know, the society said,

you know, you don't have to drive a cab anymore, you don't have to clean offices anymore. I tell you what, I'll pay you money to sit around the campfire and tell us a story. So I said, you know, although it's you, so thank you, Jesus, you know, I really appreciate it. I got a kick out of doing this. I'll try to do a good job. What about coffee? Coffee, yeah, coffee, well more a tea guy. coffee. Coffee, yeah, coffee, a more a tea guy. But this, you know, need any jolt to get the old writing muscles going. See, I always have to be on drugs to do anything valuable. Really, I miss, say, everything I do sober is much more passive. But like writing, stand up, fucking, like everything I really care about,

I much rather do high. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know, it makes a different person. And that, right. And like I feel like that coffee, the first couple of hours of the day, is that you know, you learn not to chase the high because that's what drug addicts do.

They chase a high. Smart people like me, get the high and just's what drug addicts do. They chase a high. Smart people like me get the high and just can tell themselves it's not going to get better if you do more. That's every. Well, I understand. Right. But my see my problem is I've always thought there's fucking crazy. I probably am. You are a little. Yeah. So I don't need something to make me more crazy, or to take the edge of the beach. Right. Well, I'm working. No, I get that.

Whatever hamster is running around on a wheel inside all of our brains, yours is running very crazy. Your endurance has got a lot of energy. Well, here's the other thing. I always thought that everybody's fucking crazy, but to a certain extent, but I got to write it down. That's kind of a good, good note to get off on. Do you think? Are we getting off? Well, I don't know. I just, my, my horrors are going to keep talking after the audience.

Well, since there's no audience here, it's very hard to have that happen. But look, I can't tell you how excited I was all week to have you here that you were coming. Every day, I would, first thing I get up, I would check my phone. Is it gonna really happen? Like, wait, I know, it's true. I was like, no, Dave's a stand-up guy.

He said he's gonna be here, he's gonna be here. But I still was like, that's how excited I was about this. So I don't want to, you know, you've got a family, you've got, my wife's watching Scottish experts are doing it. We fucking hours of stone is it. But wait a second. This next movie that I'm going to put you in, I think you're going to like it. It's about these two confidence men who take a guy for a lot of money because they've discovered the lost Abraham Lincoln letter that proves that he was gay. Right. He was a, there's a group in Washington called the log cabin Republican. Oh sure. I'm sure it's, I mean, they're not that well known, but I guess you do. No, no, but they just

gay Republicans. This is something different. This is proofing that Abraham Lincoln was gay. No, I understand. I'm just saying not a lot of people know about the law of Kevin Republicans, but a lot, a lot of people played with Barbie and like to put shoes on their feet. I really do.

But I really like doing that. Again, you're in a safe space. This is the nest. But the theory, of course, beyond the log, they're the gay Republican group. But they also, I think, believe or it comes from that idea that Abraham Lincoln, yes, was gay. Now, I accept your word on the two people you told me who I didn't think were Jewish, but okay, I guess they're Jewish, who was it Babe Ruth and Amelia Earhart. Yeah.

Okay. But Lincoln Gay, it kind of rests on the idea that he shared a room or a bunker, a bed, or I don't know, an asshole, something with some other dude. But this was the 1850s or 40s or something. There was no Airbnb. That things like that happen. You just made do.

I don't, it doesn't mean, I don't, it just, I don't know, to say he's gay is like, I don't know. You're missing a book. And only we talk about all my No Rose, what, right? There's a black and white movie that exists of her having sex on the steps of the Lincoln Monument with Marie Curie who discovered radium.

Oh, that's a fact. Wait, you're saying this video? No, it's a black and white film, 16 millimeter film. Okay, of Oh, No Rose, yeah. Wait, somebody film, 16 millimeter, eight millimeter film. Okay. Of Eleanor Roosevelt? Yeah. Wait, somebody shot this? Yeah.

Come on. Yeah. Marie Currier has just... I know, Marie, I know who Madame Currier is. She and... And she died of it. And she died of it. And she died of it.

She did. She shows up the tour of them. We have a couple of drinks. One thing, let's do it. Why are you fucking with me? Oh, jeez. I'm like hanging on every word, like an idiot. Well, I mean, she was, you know, a well-known,

exactly so. I wrote this other movie that I mentioned in the book, but I got fired off of these cops. Right? It was a cop movie. Great script I got fired off of that cops, right? There's a cop movie, great script, I got fired off of that. And one cop is talking to a young kid, he says, listen, you come into the force, you're going to be cold, you're going to be hungry, you're going to be frightened, but you're going to get more pussy than a war rose of those.

Yeah. But back to my original question, do we think that Franklin Roosevelt knew and it was just something they went into at the beginning? Well, of course, Franklin, we are cousins and I'm a lesbian, but it's what right to do for the family. And it has been suggested for us that we be betrothed and I'm so we shall. And I will be a good wife to you and talk to the cold miners when you are in your chair. Get up.

You know, it's a very good rendition of everyone. It's spot on. And I can also do the walk. Anyway, but, or do we think that, you know, all right, Ellen, all right, I've been trying to get in your pants for quite some time. We'll get married and then it was revealed after the wedding. I don't know, you know, these old Yankees,

these swamp Yankees, blah, blah, blah. They lived to have sex with their children in the boat house. Yeah. Well, what, their children? Please. Well, no. I mean, there's certainly some, there is some amount of, yes, I mean, that's another thing, like we were talking about before, the what women had to put up with in Error's

past of just like, yeah, just don't be in a position where you get raped because it's not really illegal. So too with children. I mean, it was just not reported very often. I remember when Roseanne came out in the 90s and said, you know, I was abused and like, that's a very common thing. And I was like, really, I've never heard about it. And then over the next, I don't know how many years, I was like, oh, wow, she was at a her time and she was right.

And it's super common. I don't know how a human being does that. But any, I don't put an ending past what human beings will do. They'll put, they'll fuck anything. They'll eat anything. They'll do anything. That's right. This Lenny said, right? It's the guy Lenny Bruce. The guy he's out there, he says, men will fuck mud. He says, a guy comes home and his wife says, his wife, he says, his wife, how come there's no dinner at the thing? She says, oh, ask your mud to fix you the dinner.

Oh, my God. Well, you know, every year there's a certain amount of accidents, incidents, perhaps we should call them, where men are injured, their penis is injured because of what they stuck it in, including vacuum cleaners. Like 12 men a year lose their penis is the vacuum cleaning. Stop it. No, absolutely. Well, that's a great advertisement for the carpets weeper. Yeah, get a room bond. Say, make your reports of vacuum, come on.

Keep your dick. Oh, Dave, you're a funny guy. Yeah, you're a funny guy too. It's a pleasure to talk to you. You know, I've been feeling that you and I grew up in very different circumstances. You probably had a more hard scrabble. I feel like I had the last leave it to be for upbringing in America. I grew up in a Bergen County, New Jersey, like in the, I mean, I'm born mid-century, but like really was not a aware human until the 60s, but 60s, 70s, all white town. And this is New Jersey and then Alabama.

No, my high school, I don't remember any drugs, drug issues, like some kids were sort of rumored, maybe to smoke pot, but there was some degenerate to smoke cigarettes. They were like, ooh, they were like gang members, but no gang members. So there were no drugs, no racial strife, because no different races.

Not even divorce. Like that was odd. That was, I don't remember anybody getting divorced. Can you imagine, I'm sure there were. There were suicides. Where's the, did you have a happy childhood? Yeah, well, yes and no, no because I was never meant to be a child. So just the status of being a child did not agree with me.

I was never meant to be one, even as a child, I did not like children. They're so childlike. But I can't really complain because again, I had stability at home. Nothing super traumatic. You know, was I scared going to school? Yes, a lot because kids are bullies.

And back then they didn't care. They didn't like monitor that to shit and get like nutty about. Oh, bullying. It was just something that happened. And like the kids who were bullied were like, too bad. You know, fight your way out of a paper bag asshole. That was it. So I had a lot of upset stomachs going to school.

Am I going to be ostracized today? Am they going to bully me today? That kind of stuff. But that to me was normal. But I did not have poverty. I didn't worry where my next meal was coming from. I didn't worry that my parents were going to split up. I didn't worry that gangs were going to... What are I didn't worry that gangs were gonna. What are you doing in show business?

Assail me. But crazy. I feel like your life was probably different as a child. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But I always said nobody with a happy childhood ever went into show business. But maybe you're the exception. Well, it wasn't. But it wasn't. I mean, it was happy enough. It wasn't traumatic. But was I glad to get out of it and do I look back on childhood with fondness?

No, I really don't. Some people do. You know, they, yeah, I don't look back on, because I think it's always, I think it's, it's a traumatic time for everybody. No, some people think it's the best time because they're in a sense, you know, you didn't, you, it's good for us because we're ambitious. When you're an adult and you're ambitious, you can make your ambitions happen and that's

very satisfying and you do well and you get money, you get to live in California. If you're not ambitious and you don't do that, yeah, then the best time was 11th grade when you scored 28 points at that basketball game. Maybe so. My greatest achievement in life was that one's blocked upont under the lights in high school football at night. On purpose. Yeah. Ouch.

Yes. Yes, you were at a football team. Yes, exactly. Really? Football, you know, the team. What they... This Chicago high school. Oh, yeah.

Chicago was in football team And I was on the wrestling team. I was the editor of the paper and all that stuff. No, you were that kid in school I was on the debating team. No, but I always thought I was I was Always thought I was an outcast, but I just really sounds like you were running shit Maybe so. Yeah. No, I was not that I was a loser terribly painfully shy. Well, you got over that. I got over that. But I think maybe that they're connected.

I think maybe one reason why people like to go into show business is because it solves the shyness problem a lot in that you never have to introduce yourself to somebody. Because they introduce themselves to you, or they just say, hi, Mr. Marr. You know, that's great. But you know, the other thing is, I've done a lot of teaching in my life, and I always say, if I'm going to go in and say, they want to put a special group to talk to you after the thing, who do you want? They just give me the narrative wells, because the only people who are going to amount to anything. And thing, who do you want? I said, just give me the narrative wells because the only people who are ever gonna

were mounted to anything. And I think that that's true. Well, you know, you got, sometimes you have a little chip on your shoulder from high school. I mean, high school makes the man. It's not close. It's not the Freudian stage, zero to two 2. It's high school. I really think. Everything is either a reward or revenge for high school.

I think you're right. It's just a middle school. They don't even have middle school. I was like, good. It's a middle school high school. About formative age, past puberty, past the point where the opposite sex is at least for a boy is in the picture. Like, everything to me is colored by that. Like, how much, how successful you were, who rejected you, who made fun of you because you were a loser and, you know, why you couldn't get the girls that the, no, maybe that's just me. Maybe that's a 40-in-thing, everything, the dick, but like, I feel like so much of it comes

back to that. And I'm still not through with my revenge. And you're doing, you're doing very well. I'd like to say that on behalf of all of your many fans, we're very proud of you for all the time. You're happy childhood. Yeah. No, I mean, my, I can't believe this is happening, but my 50th high school reunion will be next year in 2024. I mean, that's hard to believe I'm out of high school 50 years. And there still has been nothing in my life as traumatic

as when my high school girlfriend dumped me in junior year. That bitch, that, it's exactly my point. Could you please write this and make her look really bad. And I'll do it. I promise I'll do this thing. I'll do that thing.

I'll do your thing. Oh, yeah, please do. I can do your thing. Yeah, I got to go home and unplug my wife and look at the fucking stone bench. I can't thank enough. Oh, you're so welcome. What a pleasure. I hope we do it again.

You know what they say in your high school yearbook, you always meet the good people at the end. Not that we're at the end, but we're not at the beginning. Well, what about the other thing is always the most likely to succeed and that up as, you know, in the Carter? Yeah, I don't wish that upon them, but it doesn't make me cry crocodile tears either. You know, I mean, there are factors in the opinion of whom. Yeah, no, it's like, it's like what a very good looking person is also talented. Do I hate them for it? Slightly. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I hope I see so many more of your everything. Skip the... Yeah, I mean, you're my hero because you're older and you're still doing it. you