Club Random with Bill Maher - Guys We F****D | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

Thursday drop! Two guests for one! Bill and comedy-podcasting duo Krystyna Hutchinson and Corinne Fisher go deep on vital topics like Bill’s main news source, the cult of Beyonce, an important examination of the song No Scrubs, the old standards of certain types of behaviors by men, how many words dogs know, the specific things our bodies can handle, how everyone drove seatbelt-less and tanked in the past, the dangers of new medicine, and so much more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Every single situation under the umbrella of sexuality dating and relationships that you could possibly think of, you think you run out of things to talk about, there's so much. Do we know everything? We really don't. But there's something there. There is just way more to mind by health. Hello. How are you? What a pleasure. Because in my den of iniquity. Hi. That's a great name. Hi. Nice to meet you. How are you? Great. How are you? This is the a pleasure. Because in my den of iniquity. Hi, that's a great name. Hi, nice to meet you.

How are you? Great. Heran? Heran? This is the most magical place I've ever been. Oh, I'm so glad you said that. No, really. I really mean it. That's pretty cool. Thank you.

I don't think you're being physician. No, my inner child. No, I love this. Christina's not sarcastic like that. It's why I did it. It's why I, I mean, I'd be here anyway. I think you figured out life. I definitely haven't done that.

Don't have kids. Yeah. Work hard. Live, let your inner child play for the rest of your day. Well, I figured out life for me. I mean, everybody's different, right? I mean, that formula, you're right.

They kind of like sum me up, but that formula wouldn't work for everybody. I guess not, but no. The society's very like, hey, have kids, society pressures people with the two things. So that's you two never gonna have kids? I might, I have to meet somebody to want to procreate with, but I would.

Yeah. I would, I heard being pregnant makes me excited. So you don't want to just have a turkey baster in a... No, but you know what? I mean, because like women do not need a partner these days to... Oddly enough, I found out that's how I was conceived. Yeah. Yeah, and my parents never told me.

And my dad's not my biological father. Found out three years ago through a 23andMe test. So, it's in that one. Does it change anything in your life? No, it's just really bizarre thinking you were biologically related to a guy that you're not biologically related to. Right.

That's very bizarre. My brother, I have an older brother who's both of their kids. What does he look like? Like he could be your father? No, actually my older brother always told me I don't look like anybody in my family and that I was a mailman's kid.

You know who's- He was right. You know who's definitely not the biological son of Prince Charles. Yeah. Right? Yeah. There's a lot of kids running around

who aren't biological kids of people. He looks not the stable boy, but he was something with horses. Of course they're British, what isn't. Right, right. But he was some sort of equestrian, something, I don't know. He was always like with hay in his hair by the table.

And he's playing like Harry looks just like him. Yeah. Do you know I found out that I didn't know? Chloe Kardashian and OJ? Yeah, that's what I was just saying. I didn't know that, everyone else knew that. Well, I mean, it's not confirmed. I think their lawyers could come after us

if we're like, that's definitely true. I didn't even know that was a thing. Well, find out if it's true if she stabs Tristan. Hey. Oh, that's good. Nice. Oh, Jay, that's my girl. That's very funny.

Yeah. Bill, that's a bit. What's a bit? Oh. That's hilarious. Oh, thank you. Well, you know, it's like you start out in life, like I did. Like everything when you're a young comic, at least in my era, you know, you just, everything

was a bit, you know. And now it's like, I'm not going to remember any more bits. I'm just going to do them at the time. Really? That's how you perform these days? Well, apparently I just did a bit. You did? No, no. Okay. Who's pussy? Who's pussy? Fill it in, let us know. I can't hear you. That's why we're here. We're here for this. We love gossip. Really? Yeah. Of course you do. Yeah, gossip is fun. I love gossip. I want to know like what

Justin Bieber eats. You know what? It distracts you from your inner pain too. I know all the gossip and always have and people find that very odd. You know, don't you read all the time? Yeah, I read the Enquirer, I read the Globe, I read the Star and I read every fucking week and I have four years. You read those things? The ones you get in the grocery store line? Absolutely.

And I've had since the 80s. When I get on a plane, Saturday morning sometimes, if it's all the way back east, after I worked a full week here, edutating America. Thank you for that. Real time, thank you. Thank you.

And I'm going out to fucking Cincinnati or someplace to do stand up. I'm not happy to be up in the morning. Who is? Not me. I'm not happy to be on the plane even though it's mine. You own it? I never bought it. I could have a- Listen. I always, yeah. You don't want to own a plane. It's too much. Then everything is your problem. Right. It's similar to a boat, how like docking it

becomes a whole financial problem. Even worse, because you have to clear, you know, you'd have to pilot to your problem. Right. Parking it, you just can't park it anywhere. All this logistics. Fuel, landing rights, you know. Landing rights, oh wow.

Of course, you can't just take off and land, it's not like a fucking limousine. Do you have, yeah. So anyway, point being, I don't want to read the fucking newspaper at that hour. That's my guilty pleasure. And I've had people actually try to, celebrities try to shame me, like, you shouldn't patronize that, you know, they show pictures of our children. Well, too fucking bad.

Right. You know, it's not fair. And lots of things in life are not fair for different sets of people in different circumstances. This is your cross to bear. We all have something. That's the celebrity injustice. I'm so sorry, this is your thing.

Right, right, right. And then what do they say to that? Want to hear some other people's things? Cause everybody's got some. Yeah, I guess the worst ones. Which is your one, it sucks. Sorry, life sucks. I'm not gonna stop reading the inquire.

Right. So I know all the gossip. You can test me. Wow, that's really impressive. And I love TMZ. Wow. You love them. Have they been good to you? Yes. So good. They show a clip of mine, like, every week.

Wow. Cool. You know what's TMZ? No. I love the television. I just got rid of this. I get all my TV news from TMZ. Well, I know someone who used to be a pop rod.

They like to be called street journalists. I know a street journalist and that's, I'm big into like pop culture. And I love street journalists because that's how I always know when celebrities are in New York and he gave me the exact location of Justin Bieber. And I met Justin Bieber because of TMZ kind of. So that was a goal of yours?

That was a big goal of mine, yeah. Don't you lose a bet? If it makes you happy, if it gives you a little joy. What? The tabloids. Oh. If it's like your thing, fucking do it. Exactly.

Do you like reality TV? Fuck them. Plus it keeps me up with lots of people who are my friends in the business. Why don't see off in that, if I don't see them that much, it's like, oh look, Woody Harrelson's in London. I haven't talked to him in a couple of months.

I see that, it's like, oh good. I thought the inquire stuff was untrue, like it was all untrue stuff. No, absolutely not. Some of it is, well, you have to know how to read it. Like if they say you're dying, get a buy a coffin. You're dying, you're definitely dying. Really?

Yeah, because that one, it's easy to quantify. You can tell when people, I mean, just by a look sometimes. You know, there are people who, I mean, my doctor, a lot of doctors, I think, just could look at you and tell you a lot of things just by looking at you. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, and one of them is, you're almost dead. You know, with your... Your energy reeds? No, it's not a good thing. But you know, so that but romantic things. No,

you could tell when they just make it up. It's like, oh, we have a picture of them together. You know, the one that like was the outlier there was Ben and J. Lo getting back together because normally that's exactly what they would write just making it up. Now that Ben and J.Lo are both single, they're back together. So when I first read it, I was like, oh, this is what they always do. This is completely made up because it's plausible and we have... And it's what we want. And that one turned out to be true.

That one actually turned out to be true. Yeah, so you're like, eh, the boy who crawls about the ground. It was like a broken clock twice a day, you know? So, but yeah, I love the tabloids. That's, I wouldn't have guessed that. That's very surprising, but in a fun way. I'm doing this show. Yeah, good.

What else makes you happy? Not that it's really a show. But, yeah. Some people do say that about podcasts, yeah, we know. But that's what's great about it. You know, who wants to be performing all the time? Do you have a favorite celebrity that someone who you haven't been able to meet yet?

Favorite celebrity? Well, I'm not even, I mean, I can't think about it or who I'm like trying to meet. I would love that. I mean, they're like, oh, I just gotta meet. I can't, I'm sure you can make it happen. I mean, there are people, the Martin Short, that's really, Oh, okay. No, oh, I just gotta leave. I can't, I'm sure you can make it happen. I mean, there are people, Martin Short, that's really, Oh, okay.

No, I'm kidding, he's a friend of mine, but I do adore him. Right, right, right. I mean, if I didn't know him, I would be all over sucking his dick metaphorically, of course, about his career, but I have dinner with him every once in a while. Oh, that's, you can promise me to.

And so we just know how we feel about each other, but there are people like that. I mean, I always say show business, it is full of bullshit, but the cream does rise to the top in general. Yeah, good. That's good to know. Very few people have long careers who suck.

Anybody can be like, you can have a minute. You can have a moment. You can have a year, a few years, but directors who are doing it, actors who people want to look at for 30, 40 years. I tend to think they are the best that we kind of mostly have to offer. I know that somebody was like, boy, that Spielberg guy,

he kept getting to make the movies I wanted to make it. I think I could have made them better. No, I don't think you could have. Right, no, he's doing a good job. That's longevity, that's well learned. I mean, who do you like? Who's your show besides Beyonce? Beyonce is, to me, the epitome of human potential.

I have a Beyonce tattoo. Oh, my God. I knew you would say that. You, like TSC, though. I mean, I knew you would say that. You know TSC though. I mean, I think she's very talented. And I think more than just very talented, I think she's always been so classy.

Her grace. But women have got to get over there over the top. Like, she's just, she's a, why? I mean, it's just, you just do. It's just, it's just not, it's a, why? I mean, it's just, you just do. It's just out of proportion and it's not helping anybody. But that's like met in the Godfather. Right, right, right. I mean.

What are your feelings on the Godfather? I like it, I'm not like this. Okay, right. I don't get like this. I'm not having a Don Corleone tattoo or whatever. Do you have a role model? A role model. She's my role model too.

Like that's why I look up to her. Like that's why I, I think putting people on a pedestal that's very dangerous. But she's like a role model for me. I love the way she conducts herself. I've never. I said that, she's classy, yeah. Yeah.

So, but really, I see her live. Yeah, if you see her live, I promise that, she's classy, yeah. Yeah. So, but really, I see her live? Yeah, if you see her live, I promise you, you'll at least go, oh. I'm a fan, I have her in my iPod. Okay, that's a start, that's good. It's a start, to what? To this enlightenment of the Beyonce. It's like, when it gets into deification,

you gotta, you'll lose me. It is, it's where it feels like it's creeping into that area. And it's like, you know, we don't want that. We want it. Humans are humans. Beyonce isn't my Beyonce though. My Beyonce is Spice Girls, so that's different. No, why is that?

That's from a youth thing. Yeah, I mean, I really do feel like, in a way, I got to become a Spice Girl. Like you're a kid. Like the Beatles for me. Yeah, but not like, but I do feel like my version of like a strong woman, I got to become a spy. Like you were a kid. Like the Beatles for me. Yeah, but not like, but I do feel like my version of like a strong woman, I got to become, my dream was to become a spice girl and I don't mean that and like I got to become a singer and a choreographed dancer.

I mean I got to be a woman in the way that I want to be a woman. So to me that's what a spice girl is and I got to do that. Really? Well if you look at the lyrics of the spice girl songs, like they're very empowering. In a time where a lot of pop songs were like, does he love me? Cause if not, I'm going to kill myself. Boy bands.

Yeah. What's the one song I have of theirs in my iPod? Want to be. Want to be probably. One of the most recognizable pop songs of all time. No, I think it's a different one. Say you'll be there. Giving you everything.

She'll sing them. She's the singer. So I'll say the name. I'll sing them. Yeah. That's the, that you honestly do have great taste because that's the singer, so I'll say the name. I think it's that way. She'll sing them. Yeah. That's the... Honestly, you have great taste because that's the best Spice Girls song, even though it's

not the most famous song. So that... So, boy, I'm learning that they have quite a hold on... I thought the Spice Girls were almost more like a novelty act, but apparently they... They sold out Wembley Stadium right before COVID three times. Well, novelty acts do that and then dry up and blow away, but they seem to have more of an emotional hold. And you're not the first people I've heard

of your generation, young women, who I think have that same feeling about the Spice Girls. Adelnas. Yeah, well lyrically. Adel, okay. The concepts lyrically that they talk about, and that when Beyonce was in Destiny's Child, they were very much like,

hey, if you disrespect me, fuck you, I'm out. And that's not, you didn't hear that in pop songs very much. You just heard Co-Dependency. And I'm obsessed with you. Wasn't TLC kind of a lot of that, wasn't it, before the, or maybe the same era? Yeah, they were, TLC was another one. You remember that?

I remember that. Salt and pepper. I remember thinking, you know, about the guy who didn't have the nice ride and I'm like, well, I'm not. A scrub is a guy. Not everyone has a nice car. You know, maybe, you know, fuck you.

No scrubs took you down. Yeah, never. I mean, I wasn't born with a silver spoon and, you know, I bought my first car. It was $400. What car was it? It was a 66 Falcon. Wow. This was 1974.

I was a senior in high school, and I bought a car for, no, $500. And sold it a year later for $400. Wow, why'd you sell it a year later? Because I was going off to college. Oh, okay, OK. Yeah.

It was such a piece of shit. I mean, either one of us bought that car. Right. Me or the person that sold it to. And I think the answer is $500 and $400. There you go. That's amazing. It was just horrible.

It stunk. Yeah, I don't think the problem was that people didn't have an ice car because in no scrubs, it's like, it's a scrub as a guy who thinks he's fly. But Dan has the crappy car, so I think it's someone who thinks they're a lot better than they are. Yeah, look, I mean, men have so much to make up for. I never, I never...

Right. I never... I agree. Let's start. Love that, love this. So I never begrudge, you know, when you want to, like, okay, now you'll be mean, yeah. Okay, you got it.

Well, yeah, I mean, women do bad things, too. 100%. But men, the problem is that we are a young species. Very. And being a young species, we are still savages. And being still savages means might makes right a lot. Men are the stronger, more powerful ones physically. So women have borne the brunt of this species being young and still savages.

We are just emerging from that now. It's like we're getting to preteen years of humanity. Yeah, right. That's how it feels. Right. I will say doing the podcast that we have for, we've been doing it for eight years now. And one of the first things that we were, that was introduced to us as concept,

we started getting emails from people asking for advice. So in our inbox, we get like thousands of emails every week. All over the world, people old and young, every single situation under the plan, under the umbrella of sexuality, dating, and relationships that you could possibly think of. You think you run out of things to talk about, there's so much.

One of the things that- Well, that's great that they're turning to you. It's really cool. Yeah. It's really an honor. Very cool. I hope it's great. I like it. It is.

Absolutely. No, it's a lot of pressure though. You know, when people are asking you large advice. So what would you rather be doing? Have no pressure and sit around bored and, you know. No, please, I thrive on pressure. Yeah. Great. And I've experienced adult emotions as a child,

so like a lot of childhood trauma. So I'm very much like, hey, life gets dark. So I already kind of knew that about life. And so when people can come up to me and say, tell me pretty horrific stories, and I'm not weirded out, I'm like, oh my God. No, that happens, it happens. It happens, it's the awful thing that happens, and it sucks.

But one of the things, one of the most common emails we get is, I was raped and I never told anybody. The amount of times that we've gotten that email, it like, as much as I know that bad things happen in the world, I'm like, this is really fucked. To the point where I ended up seeking out a volunteer position at Bellevue Hospital

to become a volunteer advocate for emergency room people who will come in, who were sexually assaulted or experienced domestic violence, that shit is real, man. Oh my God, and it's so common, and there's so many types of situations where... And I'm just obsessed with figuring out, how can we get a handle on this?

I don't know. That's what I said before about, we're just at the infancy, the beginning of that post-savage era. You know, it's still going to continue for, you know, it's like you don't wipe out all crime. Right. No. But for the first time, it's like so socially unacceptable. And it's interesting to see what terms are being developed

in the vernacular to describe certain things, certain concepts, certain feelings, and two, that have recently come up. And I know that there was a movie about this a long time ago, so the word has been around, but people are now using it frequently as gaslighting. Gaslighting and love bombing Are you familiar with love bombing?

Of course. Yeah, and so these these are tactic I didn't even know what these words meant until you know a couple years ago and when I did Love bomb. Yeah That's a different kind of love. I'd love to No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I know no, I'm a I am Very anti-love bombing. I was just saying to Jack. He's about to get married and I said, you know stretch it out You get you're in the floor. Yeah, you know, he said I'm on the road a lot. I might take her with me I'm like don't

Have the best sex is like You're coming home from a long trip sex. Yeah, you miss each other. Right. Gotta miss each other. There's that country song. How can I miss you if you won't go? Yeah. You know, you gotta put that, if you don't put that in the relationship, I mean.

You need separateness. That is vital to your own existence and to your sanity and your soul. And missing. Yes. Well, I love being separate. I've never lived with a partner and I never intend to. Yeah, me neither. I like solitude a lot.

Like a dog is my, a dog in me is, that's my max. I've maxed out at the dog. We're perfect for each other. Yeah. I did hear a little never talk about. You'll never talk about who, like how you live your life. And I was like, honestly, that sounds really nice. That sounds good.

Well, again, it's so, there's nothing more personal or individual than how you wanna live. And who you wanna live with. Yeah. I'm with you. You know, it would be tough without dogs because there is a presence and it is a, you know, I always say just cause they don't talk

doesn't mean they can't. Correct. Apparently a dog can learn up to like 75 words. Our friend is a dog trainer, and I speak to my dog the same way you would speak, or they tell you to speak to like a baby, not in baby talk, but in full sentences. I just try to use the same words over and over again.

But you can't talk to them about scheduling matters. No, you can't. It's not gonna count. You can't. I talk to Kevin all day. Kevin, my dog's name's Kevin. Minus Sir can't. You can't. It's not gonna care. You can't. I talk to Kevin all day. Kevin, my dog's name's Kevin. Minus their Alfred Hitchcock, so.

Yeah. Yeah, we got dogs, we gave him human names, we started talking to him and that's, yeah. You couldn't even live with each other. No, I honestly, oh, her and I, I could live with a roommate who I was not romantic with easier than a romantic roommate because you can close the door and go in another room

and you're not forced to over communicate everything. You can just take some time off and the other person's not super offended. But yeah, I haven't gotten it. I wasn't getting in huge fights when I lived with roommates. Obviously, I've lived in New York City since I was 17, so I've had my share of roommates.

I know, whatever. I mean, I've lived with someone just briefly for a few times. You did? A long, long time ago. Romantically? Yes. How, for how long?

I think each time it was for about a year. Okay. But I mean, we're talking about 1986 and 1992, I think there's something, you know, a very long time ago. Mm-hmm. And there is that, I mean, for some people, it's just the easiest thing in the world.

For me, it's like, you know, I just felt like I'd had to, I was never quite comfortable. Yeah, because their energy is there, being the only thing. And you feel like you have to announce what you're doing or justify what you're doing. Or if you wanna eat dinner, you gotta go, how many you wanna guess. The word you want to eat dinner, you got to go, how many you want, I guess.

The word considerate comes from the word consider. Yeah. Like just consider and like when I'm alone, I don't have to consider you. Right, that's lovely. I don't have to consider you at all. And that's, it doesn't make me a bad person. I just don't want to consider all the,

and when I, to me, it makes it better because when I am with you I Am extremely considerate because I've stored up the considerate my consideration Yeah, I like and you're not on my nerves. You know and I want to be considered. I want to be at my best Can we be at our best and then go our separate ways? I mean 10% I would estimate a and then go our separate ways? I mean, 10%, I would estimate... Uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh.

I would love to hear this stuff. Modest estimation. Love to hear this stuff. 10% of your life, everyone's life, you are disgusting. Oh, okay. Bathroom? Mine's like 30. Oh, God.

Living alone is a gift. I look like a troll. Disgusting. I, I... Sleep is disgusting. It can be disgusting. Oh, sleep. How's sleep disgusting? Sleep is beautiful. I look like a troll. Disgusting. I... I... Sleep is disgusting. It can be disgusting. Oh, sleep. You sleep disgustingly? Sleep is beautiful.

You can't help it. You do too. You think you wake up fresh as a daisy? No. But I don't think I wake up disgusting. I don't. Yeah, you do. How do you know? You in my bag? Like your breath smells.

Exactly. Yeah. You think anyone... You want to kiss someone who's been sleeping for eight hours? Really? No. No discussion. Okay, well then you woke up disgusting. You think anyone, you want to kiss someone who's been sleeping for eight hours, really? No. No. Okay, well then you woke up disgusting. I don't want to kiss them even if they had

nice breath in the morning. I don't want to wake up and kiss another human. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except my dog. Yeah, dog, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean. I guess you sleep disgusting.

I wouldn't say disgusting. Sleep makes you disgusting, it does. Because during the night your body is repairing, but it is also, shit is in your eyes, your breath stings. I see it in movies. People wake up and they kiss each other. And I'm like, I throw up a little in my mouth and I'm just watching it on the screen.

It's making me sick. Is that why you only lasted a year living with somebody? Like, because you're like, this is so disgusting. It's just phenomenal. Well, morning sex always was an issue because like. I don't like it. I don't like it for some of the reasons I think that. Not good.

I mean, morning stuff. And you have to pee. Peeing. Camping in the water. Bad breath. Like there are many, there's a scene in, oh, there's a scene in Bridesmaids. But it's the thing where she's in bed with a guy.

Right. In this case, it was John Hamm. Yeah, okay. And she gets up, she sneaks out, goes to the bathroom, does her makeup, and then pretends that he wakes up next to this perfect look. Right. Oh, I've done that.

Because I guess we are discussing. Oh, I just sleep with makeup on in the beginning of a relationship, and then I go, I'll get a facial later to take care of how bad this is gonna do a number on my skin. Well, here's the thing, I get beat up. And my father worked nights, he was in radio. He got up at noon, went to work at three in the afternoon,

drove from New Jersey Suburban to Midtown Manhattan, worked on the radio when radio had news every hour, and then drove home at 11 o'clock in that era, tanked every night, because they would go to the whole whole and have martinis and get in the Chevy and just drive up the Palisades Parkway. And it was always fine. Just sucked it up. Yeah. Thank you Jesus. Yeah. I mean that's just the error it was. Yeah. Yeah.

And so he, I was in bed by the time he got home. I never saw my father during the week. Because I was a kid. Yeah. I was fine. Yeah. He never was there for dinner. Right. Yeah, yeah. He never was there for dinner. Right. So it was great for this because I could not tell him because I was more ashamed that, I mean, I was, some guys get into a fight. I was not in a fight. You got your butt kicked. The dog should beat that and we had never got off a shot.

And, you know, I did not want him to know. And my mother, I didn't go to school because my face was fucked up. My mother called and said I had bronchitis. Even my sister doesn't know this, by the way, because she was off at college. This was her freshman year at college. So it was just my mother and me.

And my father must have known, because my face was still... He didn't say anything? No, because she must have told him. Oh, like don't embarrass you. Right. Like, he doesn't want to think that he didn't say anything? No, because she must have told him. Oh, like don't embarrass you. Right. Yeah. Like he doesn't want to think that he didn't live up to his manhood.

Right. By fighting more effectively. That's what was in my 14 year old head. Right. Did he, did he, he obviously gave you a sign that he would have judged you? No. Like they really taught you less than the previous.

No, my father wasn't fucking the great Santini. Okay. He was fucking cool. Yeah. You know, I mean, he was Irish. He had his moments. But, you know, he, no, he was, they were enlightened for the 60s, parents. This was 1970.

Yeah. They were, but she must have said, don't say anything because he's apoplectic that you will be disappointed. And so he didn't. That's sweet. And I stayed out of school that week with my bronchitis. And then went back and I was a little more careful about the jokes I made.

Yeah, yeah, that'll do it. You know, I'll save this to when I get to catch a rising star. Right. This'll work good at the improv. The comic strip. You guys, you were in clubs, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we tour.

We'll be in clubs tomorrow. Improv tomorrow, yeah. Together? Well, we open the show together a lot of times, but we do stand up as separate comedians. I know you do. Yeah, I've been going on the road solo doing an hour, that's a fucking, whew. An hour, doing five hour shows over a weekend

is really awesome, it's really fun. It's a really fun, athletic, mentally athletic thing. What's that, two Friday and Saturday and one Sunday? One Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. Thursday is the best night. I remember that era in my life and it's like, I'm so glad I don't have to do that. I mean, just theater in and out.

One nighters are the drinks. You might find it exhilarating, I would find it just. It's tiring. Well, I don't like to do my set, certainly not more than once a night. But even after the second night, I'm done for two weeks. Because my material, I want to be familiar with it enough to do it great, but not bored

with it. Being bored with it is a death sentence. And I had it fine-tuned to the max of where a set can be. And there's just something so satisfying about that. Taking something and refining and refining. And I mean, I'm a tinkerer. I mean, some comics- Word economy.

You have good word economy. Word economy. Yeah, right. That's a lot of it. It's what you're getting that set down to. Just like that's one of the main principles of any art form. A statue has no extra clay.

A great novel has no extra chapters. Chapters have no extra paragraphs. Paragraphs have no extra sentences. You gotta be able to kill your children. Kill your babies, yep. I mean, what are the- Yeah, I went to edit a film school and it was big. Like, if you ever watched the director's cut of a film,

it's always trash because they wanna keep everything. And that's why you- Sometimes they- And sometimes they- The customers! It's always trash because they want to keep everything and that's why you sometimes the Customers correct cut of the film is trash because they kept too much right movies are generally too long Most things are generally too long. Yeah great to meet you Our time is up. I'm gonna go jump on your trampoline. No, no, I do have a trampoline I saw I really wanted to trampolines at the back. I'm a child. Oh your trampoline though. No, no. I do have a trampoline. I saw, and I really wanted to jump on it. Trampolines are the best.

I'm a child. Oh, you're up there, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I had a three, two and a half story apartment on 34th Street for 11 years in Manhattan. And I lived in it with a boyfriend, and then I broke up with him, he moved out,

and I had this huge apartment to myself, and I converted the loft, there's a loft on the third floor, and I made it like this Alice in Wonderland themed, I put, I wallpapered it, I bought all, I went to thrift stores and all these vintage prints and just put, I covered the ceiling and flower vines and I just smoke weed and read books in there and it was, it was the time of my life. So what years are we talking about? 34th Street?

What years? Yeah. I did, that was like three years ago or two years ago. Oh, three years we talking about? I'm 34th Street. What years? Yeah. I did, that was like three years ago, or two years ago. Oh, three years ago. Yeah, I did this, yeah. I just moved to Brooklyn. I was like, was that when you were a grown child? So you don't live out here? No, no.

No, we live in New York City, yeah. Oh. Do we have to leave now? Is that okay? No, I mean, I'm surprised. Have you ever, where in New Jersey are you from? I'm from New Jersey. I lived in New York twice. Yeah. Oh, I know, I'm surprised. Have you ever, where in New Jersey are you from? I'm from New Jersey. I lived in New York twice.

Yeah. Oh, I know New York. Yeah. I like the energy. I like the, you're always in someone's way. I kind of like that. I hate that. That's what I hated.

People would say, yeah, I get all my energy from the people on the street. I'm like, I use all my energy trying to get by these people on the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I moved to LA and I loved it from the beginning. It's beautiful. I mean, also, you can do this.

It's much more conducive. It's also more of a boy's town. New York is a girl's town. New York, I understand why women want to live in New York. Women rule New York, I think. They do because there's not a lot of guys to date there. So, yeah, that's true. Is that what it is? I find there's so many guys in New York to date.

Just, I mean, yeah, I don't know. I go through a lot of guys in New York. You do? Yeah. Well, I'm starting to again. Yeah. I feel like there's a lot, the ratio of like badass chicks to badass dudes. I feel like there's more badass chicks there.

I think that's so true. Yeah. I think there's more badass chicks there. I think that's so true. Yeah. I think there's more badass chicks everywhere, though. True. Every time I meet someone's boyfriend, I'm disappointed. Yeah. And every time I meet someone's girlfriend, I'm much more often impressed than I meet a boyfriend.

I get signed on to that. Yeah. I get that. Yeah, especially in your age group, because men take an impossibly long time to mature. I agree. Wow. We are on the same page. That time to mature. I agree. Wow, we are on the same page. That's a wrap.

You are a wrap. You are a wrap. Oh, a wrap? Oh, you're gonna be here for hours, kiddo. What, no. Are you kidding? When we were locked in place. Yeah, I know, we were gonna run through the garden

and I was like, oh no. When the car pulled away, they were like, see the never. They're like, see the never. It's comfortable. I hope you packed a lunch. And then you made an appearance. I was like, this is a prank show. You and Johnny Knoxville were going to come out. Really? They didn't.

But seriously? I love just walking in and finding two interesting people. Oh, yeah. I didn't see that. Best friends only. Drink what you like. Say what you want. Oh, that's great. Have you ever read Dr. Joe Dispenza? You know what?

I love him. The person who does my hair, who not that my hair needs a dozen, Oh, that's great. Have you ever read Dr. Joe Dispenza? He, I love him. The person who does my hair, who not that my hair needs doesing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. Recommended that book. He's got a lot of good ones. I got it on Amazon. Is it the placebo effect? He's written a couple. It was thick as a brick.

I mean, that book is dense. A lot of science shows. So, if you could sum it up to me in one sentence. He's basically human being. Human being, no inquirer. I absolutely am a big fan. I absolutely will. When you get into a state of meditation,

you achieve brain-heart coherence, which means your heart is actually beating at the rate that it should be beating so it can pump blood to all of your extremities in the way that your body can heal itself. We have cannabinoid receptors in our body naturally. We have opioid receptors in our body. I know I do. Right. I have a bunch too.

Boy, are they receptive. Yeah, it's great. I love giving them more to do. They put up a welcome banner. Welcome cannabinoid. Yeah, I have a codependent relationship with my cannabinoid receptors. But he basically says when you achieve a state of meditation, you achieve heart coherence and essentially you can heal your body. You can heal your body. He healed himself from a spinal cord injury

in ways that medical western medicine is baffled. But really because when you go to a doctor in America, you give your power away to them and go fix me. But that's not how it works. Again, on the macro level, this is all about the mind-body connection, which is a fundamental principle of holistic medicine, which I subscribe to in general.

I mean, I have cripples with it, as many I do with Western medicine. But that, one of my big problems with Western medicine is that they do not allow for, or countenance in any way, the mind-body connection. If you can't quantify it on a chart that we measured, and it's not that simple. And I can give you-

Very close-minded. 200 years ago, pretty much the main medical remedy was placebo. People thought. Right. Because they actually were doing things that were counterproductive to your health, like rubbing dirt into wounds. Stupid shit. But because people thought, he was a doctor.

And was doing, they actually got better, in spite of the horrible thing that they were doing. They actually initiated their own healing process mentally. Yes. So it's a little like the ghosting, you know, like, do we know everything? We really don't. But there's something there. There is just way more to mind, body, health. The unconscious. And what role that plays is enormous. There's a, do you know John Sarno? Who that is? Okay, he died a few years ago, was famous enough to get a biography in the New York Times end of year. These are the important dead people issue. He was a very, very famous and very celebrated New York surgeon.

Did all the sports teams or some of them back surgery? And at one point he said, I can't do this anymore. Most of the people I'm operating on, it's not about their back, it's about their mind. And he wrote the book, Healing Back Pain. And then like all doctors, he wrote the same book a few other times. It's different titles. But you know that. And the basic idea was that the subconscious is giving you pain. Now it's real pain, but the subconscious can cut off oxygen. The autonomic nervous system, that's the nervous system that we have that we don't think about. It's breathing.

You don't think about breathing. All the functions, yeah. It's flight or fight. Why do people go white when they're scared? Because the blood drained out of there? Because your odonovic nervous system said, we need it in our arms and our legs. Yep. Your thinking brain shuts down, yeah.

And so it can cut off oxygen and give you pain. And the reason why it does it is because that way you're thinking about your back pain instead of your divorce or your mother or whatever your unconscious is trying to. And isn't it wild that somebody would get a pill for back pain instead of your divorce or your mother or whatever your unconscious is trying to. And isn't it wild that somebody would get a pill for back pain instead of actually getting to the root of the problem? Or surgery.

Yeah, that's crazy. Which doesn't, you know. When that the back pain was the body's smoke signal. That's not of something to cover up with a band-aid. When they do surgery on most discs and that stuff, I mean, they're shaving a part of you, right? Yeah. So that they're not rubbing together. Right.

But the two things that are rubbing together, they haven't stopped that movement. You know? Yeah. A friend of mine said it's like they fixed the leaky pipe or they cleared up the puddle on the floor, but they didn't fix the leaky pipe. Yeah, the source.

Yep. The source. Have you read Wim Hof's book? Wim Hof, I know exactly who that is. So I've been doing the breathing technique in the past. Wait, wait, we gotta tell people Wim Hof, because people aren't there and I'm going, oh, Wim Hof. Every, I'm not gonna swear.

Wim Hof, oh my God. And then he went out and he's playing it. Thank God. He's a fun guy. Wim Hof is Danish. I fucking love that guy. Wim Hof, oh my God. Yeah, he's a funny guy. Thank God. He's a fun guy. Wim Hof is Danish. I fucking love that guy. Yeah.

Okay. Wim Hof, if you don't know, is a Danish guy. I don't know what the fuck he does for a living. But I know what he does. He proved that with just breathing, just intense breathing, like for like, you know, five minutes, like three times, 30 times, nine. Once a day, yeah, three rounds, once a day. You can, I mean, he climbed Mount Everest in shorts.

You can withstand incredible cold. He sat in ice baths. He's called the Iceman, right? Yep, yep. And he's taken other people with injuries, with auto-immunities, to climb mountains. Right. To climb mountains. To climb mountains that seasoned skilled mountaineers can barely do.

And he took these Joe Schmoes with health problems and proved that it could be done. This man is incredible. And it's, you're born with everything you need. Your natural pharmacy can be activated. You just have to know how to activate it. Like when you play Mario, the mushrooms and stuff, you have them on here. This may get taken down or some, just this, right? This simple person's simple truth.

It was my experience. But that's where we are in America. Yeah, yeah. Like we can't hear that anything bad ever happened from anybody. It's like it's part of your- Because people's nervous systems are in fight or fight. I've never been an anti-vaxxer.

I'm just like, I want the truth about it. So just don't tell me until you figure out cancer. Until you can tell me, oh, we know why you got it. And we know what to do about it. We're not there. Don't tell me that, please, just do what we say everything about it. You have to be skeptical.

Because I don't trust you. You've been wrong about too much. You don't know too much. And we don't know. I had to quit my dentist recently because he wanted X-rays every time I went. So that's unnecessary and I'm so bad for you. Yeah, the rays, yeah. I'm like, if I have a problem, I'll tell you.

Right. Then maybe you can do it. Right. You know, I don't want, it's like when the airline calls you. It's never a good thing. Never. I'll call you. It's never a good thing. Never. It's never for an upgrade. I'll call you if there's a problem.

But like, I don't want X-rays be... And their view was like, well, we know it doesn't hurt you. And, but you don't know. You don't know that, right? You don't know. There's a million different things that it could combine with, and it's obviously so bad we need a lead played and you leave the room.

Yeah. The nurse gets out of there and you're like, where are you going? Yeah, no, that's not. I thought this was safe. Okay. That's not good. So, you know, I don't know what that combined with

the fact that I ate a lot of tuna fish, right? With mercury or a thousand other things. Yeah. The plastic water bottles I drank out of and there was a BPH or what is the thing in the Yeah, the chemical. The chemical you and I mean, there's a million things. The electromagnetic energy, anything. Microwave cell phones.

Microwave cell, right, anything. And we just don't know. We just don't know. I never like to take a medicine like fresh off the market because like the OBGYN is always trying to give you something that they just invented. And they're like, no, this is great for you. I'm like, I'm gonna wait a couple,

even with like, I have Lasik, I wasn't the first person to get Lasik. You don't want to be the first person to put a laser in your eye. That's wild. I let other people do it, and then I got it years later, and I can see because of that. Yeah, I've had it three times.

Yeah, it's great. Wait, are those not, Sometimes you need a little correction, so. Well, nothing less, It was just cool guys. The less than they are young is nothing less. Yeah. Okay.

I think I first got it in 99, but I needed a touch-up. Yeah. And then after the third, when they're like, well, we can't do anymore. Oh, yeah. You got three, yeah. Yeah. And then I started wearing glasses, and it was a big emotional, it shouldn't have been. But to me it was just sort of, I don't know, things take on a significance they don't deserve,

psychologically it wasn't. Put some weight on it. Like A.J. 28 years without glasses and television and now I have to work. Like I couldn't see the prompter anymore. Right. No contacts?

I can't, no contacts don't feel good in my eyes. I can't never wear rings or, you know, I wear a watch here, I guess, just because I don't know, I'm dressing up for you. Thank you. I don't usually wear a watch, a new jewelry. You know, I don't like, I can't be in a, it's the same when I'm being alone, I think.

I don't like bracelets, so I don't like being alone. I don't like being adorned, you know? Right. I like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense. All right, well. I don't like being a dorn. You know, I like... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense. All right, well, I'm gonna go back to my day job. This is so cool.

Thank you. Thank you. All right, group hug. Group hug, that's fine. Got me old sitcoms. Yeah. Such a pleasure. Thank you.

I like it a bit. I like it if I could have done it all.