Club Random with Bill Maher - Henry Winkler | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: September 8, 2024

Bill Maher and Henry Winkler on life from the Fonz to Barry to Henry’s recent memoir. Why Bill don’t write a memoir, Bill invites Henry to Vegas, but Henry wonders if his wife would approve, Israel, Gaza and the right to defend yourself vs. the human cost of war, longevity in show business, Henry's escape from being typecast as "The Fonz" and his ability to stay relevant, Henry’s story about losing it when acting in a play, Henry’s love of the meerkat, how marriage is like living in China, Bill explains the ick, and why Henry never had a doggy door.  Get $77 in casino site credits at https://www.goldennuggetcasino.com with code RANDOM Go to https://www.RadioactiveMedia.com or text RANDOM at 511511 to save up to 50%, today! Get 15% off OneSkin with the code RANDOM at https://www.oneskin.co/ #oneskinpod #ad Follow Club Random on IG: @ClubRandomPodcast Follow Bill on IG: @BillMaher Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/ClubRandom Watch Club Random on YouTube: https://bit.ly/ClubRandomYouTube Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Download today. 19 plus, Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to conneixOntario.ca I was not hirable. People said, oh, he's so funny. He's so great. But he was the Fonz. He was the Fonz. Thank you for saving that story for me. That's awesome.

Thank you. And it's real. It is real. Wow. Henry? Yes? Are you really here? No.

Ha ha ha. How you doing? Oh, wow. I am sensational. It is a pleasure to see you. Did they tell you it's airing on St. Patrick's Day? No. I just like color.

Oh, you do? Yeah. You always dress like that? I I dress in color. Yeah, I do well, I didn't expect you to wear a chatter like a Muslim woman in a No, I tried that it just too damn hot in LA And the socks I see are also I like socks Right these I got in Australia when I toured with my book.

Yes, let's get to the book. So let's do the plugs right away. All right. But did you read it? Not yet. Then that's for you. Okay. But I heard great things about it.

Thank you. This is the kind of book I get to read when the season ends because during the season, I have so much... You know what I am. Yeah. I mean, to try to keep up with season ends, because during the season, I have so much, yeah, I mean, to try to keep up with all the news and all the people and all their opinions. Especially today, as we record this. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, and this is a memoir? It is a memoir. It is, my son Max, who is our youngest child, said to me, dad, you've got a lot of stories. You should tell your stories. Right. And I said, I can't really do that because I'm dyslexic. So I met a man named James, and I flew him out here. I didn't know I had to fly him out here and feed him three times

a day. Who is he? He's a writer. Oh, to help you with the book? Yes, and we spoke for about 70 hours and then we cobbled the book together. So I'll tell you why I would never write a memoir, I think, because I just read Streisand's, which was awesome. And I just read Woody Allen's, which is awesome. Right.

Mine is not either that long or that controversial. No, but here's what spooks me about it. OK. When you write the memoir, and they're both 82, I think. So funny, some similarities, because they both grew up in Brooklyn, same age. When you write a memoir, it kind of is saying, I'm done with the living part of my life.

Not necessarily. Well, I mean, very few people. And that is to you, and I understand that makes you uncomfortable. Well, I'm still having a great time. No, I know. But like when you read a book and the person is 82, you don't expect to turn to the last page

and see and read part two of this when I'm 150. It's like you're not going to write part two after 82. And I don't want to ever say, announce to myself or the world. Like, I'm writing the memoir, it means I'm kind of done. And again, you're not done, you're kind of peeking. I'm having a great time. Well, I'm having a great time now. At the same time, I do.

And at the same time that this comes out in paperback, because if people found the hard copy a little heavy to carry on a plane, it is in a beautiful blue, the cover of the, I'm not kidding, it really, it goes with everything. Why not the pants color for the book? You saved that for the pants? My 40th children's book is coming out a week before.

40th? Yes. You've written 40 children's book is coming out a week before. 40th? Yes. You've written 40 children's books? I have. Well of course they're short. And there's only a few words to them because they're for fucking kids. Well, you know what, you might want to look at it.

You'll write one in the afternoon. I'm kidding you. I know you are. Because that's you. You're funny. My daughter, Zoe, sends her best. She never misses a Friday night. Oh, that's awesome.

I love that. I want to bring families together. And you do. And I do. You do. But, okay, so being Henry, and then my plugs are, I'm at the Orpheum Theater in Memphis, September 28th is the standup, of course.

Taft Theater in Cincinnati September 28th as a standup of course, Taft Theater in Cincinnati the 29th. I remember first and second at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand in Lost Wages, Nevada. Do you ever get to Vegas? I do, I get there about once a year, maybe once every two years. What do you say we go together and hit the Spiriment Rhino?

Okay, so what I do- Would you do that? Would you go to the rhino with me? I don't know what the rhino is. Oh, come on. I've never been to a club. Any kind of club? I've never been to a club.

You know, that's not true. There was a club years ago that every 20 minutes, like moist, cold steam came down. Yeah. I've been to places like that. I was just at a restaurant in Miami that did that, that blew like fucking exactly what you described, like every 20 minutes.

And we're having dinner and it's like a disco in there. It's like loud as, and this is a restaurant. And can I also say, Bill, that I mean, I don't drink, but that's only because I'm not good alcohol in my body. But I could not pay $1,500 for a small bottle of whatever it is. I'll pay. OK. Absolutely.

First of all, you could. I'm sure you're very wealthy. No, no, no. It's not a matter of that I can't afford it. It makes me crazy. Well, if you don't even know what the spirit rhino is, I'm hesitant to ask what my next question was, which was gonna be, would you wear the Fonzie jacket?

No, because it's so hot in Las Vegas. Not in the club. But that jacket is in the Smithsonian. It's a strip club, you could give it to one of the dancers. It's a strip club. Yes. I can't go. Why? in the Smithsonian? It's a strip club. You could give it to one of the dancers. It's a strip club. I can't go. Why?

Well, my wife, Stacey, would not be happy with me in a strip club. And that's where you and I are different. Because you're not married to Stacey. I'm not married. At all. Well, I mean. Have you ever been?

No. Because if you're married. Were you ever? Well, I mean, I'm punching 70 in the mouth. I think it's a... You don't look 70. Thanks. You don't look whatever you are either. You look great.

I'm 79. That's amazing. You look better than me, because you look, I would guess... Bill, you look great. Early 60s. Thank you. Well, I owe it all to... To what?

The Spirit McRyno. No. Look, we all have our... Do you have a piece of that club? No, but I'm taking a few pieces out. With you, yes. Very well, good timing. I'm not kidding.

That was great. Thank you. What is in that? What are you drinking? Tequila. Oh, all right. Why? Well, it's cloudy.

Doctor... I'm drinking still? Well, it's cloudy. Doctor. I'm drinking still water. It's not cloudy. Doctor, maybe you can tell me what this cloudy sensation is in my urine. There's clouds in my coffee, as Carly Simon said. Yeah. But no, I've never been married

because I'm just not the kind of man who can be told where to go and where not to go and some guys I'm not I'm not criticizing that we're all just individuals and different. No, I just and I admire that you know That about yourself. I'm a lone wolf and I have a tiger like I have to like stay I'm like Willem Dafoe and I'm like Willem Dafoe in Platoon where he's like, no, I can get there faster on my own. I got a travel light. I mean, some people are like that.

I know other people like, I've known men who like, absolutely hate it if they get divorced or something and they're waking up alone. They really don't, they like to meet the day with a person next to them. And even share a kiss, which I think is gross after sleep because of the breath and everything. Yeah, but not everybody has bad breath in the morning.

Oh, please. I have met some people who don't. That's like saying my shit don't stink. Is that true? No. Oh, yours does. No, I'm just saying it's like one's shit doesn't stink. To say that somebody's breath.

I have experienced a Good breath in the morning. Who are these women? My wife That's why you married her and then one of the reasons Well, we all got a list no there was a Barbara who just like never brushed wouldn't talk to her again is it Really? No, I made that up and how long you've been married forty six years who just like never brushed, wouldn't talk to her again. Is that, really? No, I made that up. And how long have you been married? 46 years.

Wow. Yeah. And still the breath is good. So you were at the height of your fame when you got married? Yes, I was a candle on her four-year-old son's cake. I was a candle on her four-year-old son's cake, the six million dollar man and the Fonz. I was a candle on his cake.

And we met in a clothing store. Wow. And I took her to see a movie in Westwood, where our first date. So you just met by happen chance? I was there buying a jacket. I could afford the jacket. So this was like a meet-cute?

I think so. I asked her. As they say in films. I said, which one do you like better? I held up two jackets. She said both, because I found out that she actually was the publicist for the store. It was the Jerry Magnan very high-end boutique.

But you didn't ask her this question because you really wanted the answer so much as you were macking on her already, correct? Yes, that is true. Okay. I didn't care what she said. Right. I just wanted to meet this gorgeous redhead.

I see. Oh, red gorgeous redhead. I see. Oh, redhead. Yeah. I see. Yeah. And then it just, and how much? Are you going to last this, you're not gonna fall asleep?

Last. Oh sweetheart, you're adorable. Yeah. Am I gonna last? You've just put so much of several and drops. Well, that's not, there's no drugs in there. That's just a clean way of drinking soda. Oh, instead of having chemicals. Oh, that's that's to iron out the tequila. I just put in there.

This will get you high. And I'm guessing this is not for you either. No, I can't appreciate you putting up with my terrible habits. Yeah,, but I'm very happy to be here. Well. And we're also in your fun room, and apparently you're having fun. Fun room, I am. I love that. That's a great, I'm gonna call it the fun room. Well, look at it.

No, it is a fun room, you're right. It is a wonderful place to have people over. And I do, and well before we built the cameras into the wall so we could do this, I was often sitting in this exact chair just talking to somebody. Unfortunately, they were not nearly as interesting as you half the time because they were just- That is so nice of you to say.

But it's true. I get to do what I always did in this room, but now, last week it was Quentin Tarantino and the week before that it was, I don't know, it's such a great thing to be able to- I had lunch with Mr. Tarantino in Israel three years ago. First time, no, I met him at Adam Sandler's wedding. He was there, and I saw him years later in Israel. Well, he loves to take people and rehabilitate

their careers, not that yours needs rehabilitation. I could use it. If he's watching, I'm an actor. I mean, if anybody who's at 79 and working, but like you have one of those careers that I would say, I'll probably leave a few people out who should go on this list. But there's a very short, select list of people

in television who the American audience has just said, "'We just keep wanting to see them, "'so put them in whatever.'" Michael Landon was one of those. Always had his, Ted Danson is another one. But like always has something going on. Like they just. Ted and I were on Paramount at the same time.

On? Cheers. He was doing Cheers and I was doing Happy Days. Oh, they were both Paramount shows? Wow. Different networks, though. Different network. Right.

Oh, I remember when I was in college at Cornell, and it was not a happy experience. I'm sorry. Why, it's, you know, it was the passage of life. Did you graduate? Of course. Yeah. In seven semesters, not eight. Wow.

Right out of money. Got it. I'm a pot dealer. Not much has changed. Anyway, no, I don't deal with it anymore. I deal with it. Yes. But happy, I was, you know, a strange kid.

I did not strange kid. I did not make friends. Where did you grow up? I grew up in New Jersey. In New Jersey, what town? A little town called Rivervale. No one ever heard of it. One of those thousands of bedroom communities that were populated.

After the GI Bill, my parents bought their house for way less than what a car is now. Right, that's amazing. After World War II. Oh yeah. What things cost now? Yeah, I think the house was $24,000. Yeah.

It's amazing. Couldn't get a hundred. I had my first conversation with Stacey. I got for $75,000 in Studio City. $75,000 in Studio City. $75,000? $75,000. Wow. When in 1975ish. Well, that must have been a shithole because like my first house, which is small, like as small as you can get, like starter house in the mid-80s was over 200, and that was like the lowest end of the market. Right.

It was a wonderful little house in Studio City. Barbara Walters came and interviewed me there and literally said, you have no library. How can you live here with no library? And I said, easily. I'm having a great time here. I mean, she meant like a formal library. I think so.

I mean, I'm certain you had bookshelves. I had bookshelves. Yeah, okay, that's what most people have. They don't have a full-on library. I thought that was weird. Yeah. Okay, so, and you're now what? You live in a big baller mansion

with a shark tank and all that shit? You know what, I don't have a shark tank, but I watch it. But I do like, the house we live in now is large enough so that our children and grandchildren can all come and be happy. Oh. Yeah. That sounds like my perfect night, too. We owned a house.

Bill, I don't mean to interrupt you, but we owned a house in Bel Air that had too many rooms and I couldn't go and use all of them. It made me crazy. I owned a house in Bel Air that had too many rooms and I couldn't go and use all of them. It made me crazy. I never understand people who want giant houses. I mean, you want space. I'm with you. But like, I always call them the where's the gift shop house

because like you walk in and you wanna say where's the gift shop or kitchens like you walk in and you want to say, where's the gift shop? Or kitchens that are bigger than this fucking room. And also you don't sleep well in a giant bedroom. The more womb-like your room is. I agree. You just want to be comfortable. People are such fucking pigs.

It's also very hard to cool a large bedroom. Right, high ceilings, that kind of shit. Yeah. So. Yeah, I love our house. But if I just can finish that thought about, like, I will not interrupt you. No, no.

I'll speak to you when I'm complimenting you. There are just not that many people who the American audience has said, you know, like, OK, we saw them on Fonzie, but now we want to see him again. And then there's, you know, arrested development. And we still want to see him. And then Barry, you know, like, they just want to follow you as they watch you age and, you know,

grow into some completely different person. I'm going to interrupt you now. I am very grateful. You should. I do not take that for granted. No, you shouldn't. It's rare. I'm knocking on interrupt you now. I am very grateful. You should. I do not take that for granted. No, you shouldn't. It's rare. I'm knocking on wood right now.

It's rare, especially since you did one of the most Houdini-esque escapes that you can do in show business, which is get out of massive fame in a typecastable role. That's a Houdini-esque. That was hard work. Oh, I know. That was sometimes painful. I'll bet.

I was not hirable. People said, oh, he's so funny, he's so great, but he was the font. He was the font. And I could not get hired. And one of those periods was when I started writing with Lynn Oliver, writing children's books because I could not get hired. And a friend said, write books about your dyslexia for kids.

I said, I can't do that because I'm dyslexic. Oh, so you're dyslexic. I am very. So that's probably why you're in the library. What point is it? Reading was difficult. No. You know who I like to read?

Dan Silva. He writes, Daniel Silva writes thrillers about a man who is the head of the Mossad. Oh. Yeah. Your team requested a ride, but this time not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your team to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your team to your Uber account today.

So this is the second time you mentioned Israel. Yes. So that was the first time I ever went. I would not go to Israel. I was convinced if I stepped terra firma on Israel, I stepped off the plane, onto the tarmac, a war would break out. Why?

I don't know why, it's a tick. That's more than a tick. Yeah. That's psychotic. Yeah, well thank you. What, why you stepping off the plane? No, no, not me, just- Oh, just bad timing? Bad timing.

Well, it is- No, I wouldn't cause the war. Oh, I see. I would just be in the middle of it. I thought they were like, fuck the funds, it's on. Hey, Henry's on. Henry's here.

Allahu akbar, the funds. This is the last straw. The funds is in Israel. Now we have to get them into the sea. What about their prime minister? Are we allowed to talk about that? Of course, you can talk about anything. That's what I love about this.

I really think that he knows if God forbid he steps down or the war is over, he's in jail. I mean, that's possible and we hear that a lot. I mean, it's interesting. I believe it to my core. Yeah. Well, you don't know what to... I mean, that could be the case.

You don't know what's in a person's heart. Whether that's true or not, you can still be supportive of the decisions he's making, which I am. It's very naive, I think, that this could go any other way. And any other country in the world would not be expected to act any differently. If you get attacked, you get to fight back. And the war doesn't end when you start fighting back, which they always want with Israel.

You know, when somebody— You know what? A lot of what you're saying is true. However, I think that, you know, there are parents, there are families that are hurting because the hostages are not primary. Yes. And it's the job of a statesman and a leader and a prime minister to think long-term and not just short-term.

Like, if they don't eliminate Hamas, then— They're not going to eliminate Hamas. Hamas is an idea, not a group of people. That's a bullshit thing. It's not bullshit. Well, let me tell you something. They've said that for years. I just read, I think, Sam Harris on this, and he said it right.

I know Sam. OK, great. I like Sam. Love Sam. Great. I'm glad we both do. And he said this thing we've heard a lot of times, you can't kill an idea.

He said, well, we did after World War II. Until now. We did kill a lot of Japanese, and that was unfortunate. But I mean, if you do kill enough lunatics, and Japan was led by lunatics, died of the last person, and a lot of suicide bombing and all that, very similar to what we see with radical Muslims.

Suicide bombing, cult of martyrdom. OK, so Japan became our good friend So let's not pretend that you can't actually get to the root of this. It is difficult I'm not pretending no, no, no, but truly believe no in this particular case You will not you don't think that all those people that are now Homeless and their families are are destroyed. You don't think that they are now Hamas again? I think you have to make calculation. Of course, absolutely.

That is going to happen. You are also recruiting. So you want to kill every human being? No, no, no. Is that what I said? No, but I think it is what you were leading to. No, it is certainly not what I'm leading to. What I'm saying is-

If we kill enough of them, we're gonna end Hamas. I didn't say that either I think you did. No, I didn't you said it you want to play it back. Yeah, I didn't say that I didn't say I did not say if you kill enough of them that were the Hamas is a note what I said was the idea that you can't kill an idea. Oh, that's what I said Yeah, that's what I was objecting to and I was was quoting Sam talking about the fact that after World War II... You know, World War II, we did not kill Nazism. Yeah, we did.

Except for... Like a moment. But... It's back almost in every country. Back in a tiny fringe. I mean, if you expect perfection, you're... I don't expect perfection. Well, then it's a silly argument.

I believe. Well, that's not true. Well, it is. But I believe that we are going to experience another Kristallnacht and could very well experience it here. Well, there's a lot of anti-Semitism, and that comes from people like Hamas. Yeah, I see. So I mean, again, when you think, when you're a leader, you have to think

long term. Right. If you don't know, they prosecuted this war for 11 months, as we're recording this in September of 2024. So, they're at the final stage. They're in the South. Yes, there are probably still, I don't know, 80, 90 hostages left. Right, 100. It's horrible to think of the situation they've been in and if we can't get them out. So in other words... Again, if I could just finish. Yes, go right ahead.

You have to think in terms of long-term and numbers. Like those 100 people, we wouldn't want anyone to die, but what if we let Hamas off the hook and then it gets worse and 10,000 die? That's how... Ten thousand... Well, in the future. In other words, if they are able to stage more attacks. I see. Ten thousand more Israelis.

You've gone, yes. You've gone this far for 11 months. And my question to people who have this argument is always, do you know what's going on really underneath Gaza with all the tunnels and how close they are? I do not know. I don't either. But you know who does know?

The Israeli Defense Force. Now, are they perfect? Absolutely not. But again, they're not the ones purposely killing civilians. They try not to kill civilians. If you can't understand that difference morally, then you're very morally confused. Are you watching the same footage I'm watching?

You think they are trying to kill civilians? I think that it is indiscriminate. That's what war is. War becomes that. There is no war you can name that didn't. Sherman burned Atlanta to the ground and it wasn't just the military people he was killing. It's a shame, but again,

there's a very simple solution to this. Stop attacking Israel. Right. Jews used to know this. Right. Okay. Still love you. I love you. Okay. I'm glad we can talk. I have no judgment about your point of view.

Great. And I not of yours. I disagree a little bit with what you're saying. Yeah, that's okay. I don't think that the head of Israel at this moment is a soulful human being. That may be true too. I didn't say he wasn't, and I didn't say even that he might not be doing what you suggested he might be doing. What I was saying is even if those things are true, it could also be true that this is the correct policy, which I believe it is. I think you've gone 11 months to do this.

Let's finish it while we're there. Okay, how does it finish? Tell me that. How does it finish? Is there a... What do you see? Is that you have extirpated enough of Hamas that some other entity can be brought in

to rule that country. Because that was always a coiled snake right at the foot of Israel. You can't live like that. There's only one side in this who wants a two-state solution. That would be at least part of Israel. Maybe not everybody in Israel, but they've certainly offered that many times.

Hamas has been very plain. They do not want a two-state solution. They want a solution where all the Jews die. Again, Jews used to be kind of on the page that this is a bad thing. Again, we can disagree. Oh, I think the Jews are on the page that it's a bad thing. Well, you're, okay, let's just say I'm not even a Jew.

Right. But let's just say you're more equivocal about it than I am. You are an atheist. Yes. That's right. Sure. Yes. And I went and we made the movie Religious. We spent 10 days in Israel.

Right. All over. And it was fascinating and eye-opening, and I'm so glad I did it. Right. And... Historic. I also find Israel to be one of the most delicious countries I've ever been to. You're talking about Gal Gadot?

I'm talking about that great, delicious food that is Israeli. Delicious food, the Jews? Delicious food, yes. Oh, I missed that. You did? I mean, I don't really remember the food. You know what I remember so vividly? And it was like, oh, such a memory.

The last day, we were filming in a place called Megidda, which is where the Bible says the world will end. It was the perfect place. It's a ruin to shoot this and do my final monologue. And it was a long shoot day. And at the end, we were all starving. And we went to a restaurant. And this is in Palestinian territory.

And the bodyguards were very nervous going into this restaurant. We're all starving. And they spent an hour in there, an hour, before we could even just go into the restaurant. And then when we got in there, they were happy to sell us the food, and we were happy to eat it. And it just made me think politics, you know? Like, you could make this work.

It's not impossible. But some people don't want to. And mostly the people who haven't wanted to are people like Yasser Arafat and other people, dictators in the Arab world, and people who have their own reasons. I mean, the West Bank was in Jordan's control for 19 years, from 1948 to 1967. If it was so important to the Arab world to have a Palestinian state, why didn't Jordan do it? And why didn't the other ones demand they do it?

Why didn't they? Because they wanted it as a problem that they can focus their citizens on so they can go on and have brutal dictatorships. Sounds kind of like our politics. Not as worse. Ours is not quite that bad. We could get there. We definitely could get there.

We only have, what, 60 days. Why are you expecting the worst in the election? I know I don't. I am very optimistic about our country and that most of the population has got to see that we live a pretty great life. Oh, I'm so on that page. It seems like to me also for you, I don't know, but this is why I love doing this. I find out we can in 90 minutes cover like a whole lifetime when we should have been friends.

Yes. Okay. My guess on you is that you're judging from seeing you publicly is that your default setting is just very optimistic. I mean, you're just very... I'm very optimistic. You're just...and that's what people love about you. It just, you exuded, and it's very-

You talked about my career, that I went from project to project, and there were droughts. Of course. Where I was distraught. Right. I was dismayed. And, you know, and then you you get and still had optimism you had optimism

I see myself as that toy, you know You blew it up and and when I was growing up there was a cowboy on it and you punched it It went down and came right back to center. But you know that toy I know vaguely of it I don't know toys to wobble. I Don't have kids never know. So right. I mean I can imagine it goes down and it comes right back. I get the concept Yeah, that is my that is the way I live my life Right, but I I wish I could have been the ghost of me back then not that I would be a ghost But younger wiser me who the ghost of me back then. Not that I would be a ghost, but younger, wiser me

who didn't know this back then, but if I did, I would have told you and spared you this. Like, very often someone does a hit TV show and they're famous from it, but they get typecast and then they never recover. The difference with the Fonz is all that was true, hit TV show, famous for it, but the level of fame was on a rock star level.

And if you- Until it wasn't. Wait a second, it was on a rock star level, which is unlike those other, in that category that I'm in. Therefore, even though you wandered in the wilderness, the public, when you get to that level, is always gonna wanna come back to that. They're always gonna wanna come back

to someone who was on a rock star level, whether it's Lindsay Lohan, whoever it fucking is. When you get that high, you're kinda always guaranteed to come back. But you gotta do the work. You gotta work for it. Right. Yeah, no.

But they do wanna see you because it was so big. Right. And that's what the Fonz was. Like very, very few sitcom, TV, or TV characters in any way. I mean, I was, when Quentin was here, I was saying, you're one of the few rock star directors. It's just not a category that has a lot of people in it.

And you were like a rock star sitcom. It almost isn't compatible. Well, I love doing it. I love it. Yeah, it all fucking came out the right way. I was gonna say before, when I was in college at Cornell, I did not have much going on in my life. Certainly no women.

Right. But why is that? If you are very, you have a tremendous amount of charisma. So how is that possible? Did you just hide it? I was. Were you scared? Very, pain bad bit.

Painfully shy. Right. Like... Oh, you made up for that? Of course, I did. Right. But painfully shy, stupid. You're not stupid.

I was, as we all are at 20. Right. Painfully stupid. I've talked about it here before. I thought I, whenever I couldn't get over with a girl, I thought, I'm not good looking enough. Now I look at pictures of myself. I thought whenever I couldn't get over with a girl, I thought I'm not good looking enough. Now I look at pictures of myself. I was very good looking.

I was at it completely backwards. My personality was the problem. I thought that was perfect. You thought your personality was perfect, but you were not good looking. And it was the exact opposite. Like that's what I mean, stupid shit like that. And also there were very few

One of my favorite phrases that I hate that is true is Youth is wasted on the young because I wish I knew then as you just said I If I knew you I could have saved you right you did say that I It makes me crazy That we have to go through so many steps to find the wisdom. And also that you, it's ridiculous that you gather it all and then just when you have it all then you're gonna die. Yeah. It's like it's such a waste.

Yeah. I don't think it's a waste. Well, that you collected all this in the brain, and then after all that collecting, it's useless because you're dead. I do forget names now. My children do wear name tanks. I don't think so. You don't look like you don't present as old.

You know, people either present as old or don't. This was Biden's problem. He was almost the same age as Trump, but he presents as old. People either present as old or don't. This was Biden's problem. He was almost the same age as Trump, but he presents as old. Yes, he does. You don't present as old. So that joke does not land with you, but name takes. Because it just is not. No, but here it is, Bill.

Here's the truth. There are times when I cannot remember somebody I know and it literally kills me. You mean come up with the name? I can't come up with the name. And I have to sound it out. And then I blurt it out in the car going home. That's everybody all through your life.

That didn't just start when you got a little older. I've always done that. I knew my wife's name. I really did. No, I mean, you have to forgive people when they do that because we've all done it. We've all had it done to us. You know what I don't forgive? I don't forgive people who don't see you,

who don't acknowledge your existence. That kills me. Like what is it? People who brush you out of the way. Who does that to you? Oh, there are people who have done that to me. Name two. The first time I met a man who's running

for president at the time. Who? Trump. Who? Trump. Trump? Yes. Rushed you out of the way. I met him at a ball, at a big event, and he literally pushed me out of the way

like the president or the premier. Montenegro. Yes, Monterey. That was, that should be shown every day, every hour. Why? Because I think it is the very definition of a soul. Yeah, we already know that about him. Okay.

I'm bored with that. Okay. I made all those, nobody has been meaner or more. I want to say, your intake of whatever it is you're having. What? I'm having two drinks. I had one and now I'm having another. Yeah, what is that? What does that do?

Makes soda? It makes- Those drips? Those drips. No, I call it rhino juice. It's what we drink before we go to the club. We're going to the club later. No It's just yeah, what club you go to here? Oh, I don't go to any club here

That's not the kind of thing you do in LA. It's kind of thing we're gonna do in Vegas. Yeah, which a wife doesn't have to know Yeah, well, she knows everything. She knows everything. It's amazing and you're okay with that. Well, you know what I am It's like living in China. No, not exactly And you're okay with that? Well, you know what I am. It's like living in China. Not exactly. Not exactly. Very similar.

I'm not kidding. Surveillance state. Yeah, I know. But no, I don't have to make little toys. I know guys who, when the phone rings, they go, oh, it's the boss. Yeah. But you know what? They say it like, yeah, like, oh good.

But you know what though? It gives you peace of mind. That's great. It not only gives you peace of mind, it is something that you have to establish is part of your life. The woman is the CEO of the Winkler life, of my wife is the CEO of our life. Woody Allen made a great movie called Whatever Works. Right.

That's it. Yeah. Larry David basically played the Woody Allen part and I thought it was one of the better. I don't know that I saw it. You never saw Whatever Works? I'm not sure I'm gonna look for it, but I didn't see it. You like Woody Allen, huh?

I do. Okay, great. I love him. That's one of his better- Have you interviewed him? No, but we are- You're working on it? Efforting him. He's not against it.

He is a fan. Okay. And I'm a fan of his and a defender. Okay. I'm a fan. I mean- Oh, come on. Oh, no.

I'm not gonna get into that. Okay. I am not gonna get into that. Okay. I am not gonna get into that. I did, however, see that Mia Farrow is on Broadway. Yeah, well, I'm sure there's been many. Listen, I just saw that yesterday. I thought I'd mention it. I like personally going.

I like going to the theater a lot. It's one of my favorite things. As a matter of fact, on my bucket list is to get back to Broadway. And yet you're heterosexual. I am. I know married 46 years. Yeah. You want to get, oh my god, why do you want to go on Broadway? You know what Bill, I've never done it. No and I never. But you do stand up. Yeah that's different. No it is not. I'll tell you how it's different. Okay, tell me. I don't have to memorize lines exactly...

But wait a minute, what are your jokes? Your evening is constructed. It is. It's constructed. That's different than memorizing lines word for word. No, it's not true. Yes, it is. It is not true.

It is not different. Trust me, I know, because I've done both. If one word is out of line, your joke will fall on its face. That's not true. It is not different. Trust me, I know, because I've done both. If one word is out of line, your joke will fall on his face. That's very true. Thank you. But as a comedian, they don't fall out of place. You're right. That can happen.

Because you know your stuff. Yeah, but it's not this. I want to tell you it is thrilling. It's not word for word. It's thrilling. But you know what? OK, I'm going gonna tell you something. You don't get paranoid that you would go up on your lines.

I have. I have. What could be worse? Not being there. Really? Not being in that play. And what happens when you forget your lines? I'm able to improvise.

So I get there somehow. Wow. Yeah. You mean you just fumpfer around? I fumpfer around. Does the audience know this? When my audition for the Yale Drama School. Do they know the fumpfering? No, they don't.

The fumpfering goes unnoticed. Now I will tell you. There are two things I want to tell you. One is when you're on stage, yes, you say the same thing over and over again, but for the first nine months, you are always discovering something new. You say something and it hits you, oh my God, I have a whole other vision of how to attack this scene. Okay, that's number one.

Number two, I'm on stage with John Ritter, rest his soul. We're in a Neil Simon play. I did not do preparation. I didn't take my time to concentrate on what I was about to do. I walked on stage and for some reason I burst out laughing and I did not stop. And now John, and I have the first line of the play is it a comedy walk in on John in a dining room and he now is walking me around the set going you've got the first line come on what are you doing now he's slapping my back and all I am doing I cannot stop laughing. What year did this? 2000.

Okay. In 2000 and that play ran for nine months. So you did eventually get back on track. I got back on track. What did you say to him after or he to you? I apologized to him. Was he mad? No, but I was disrespectful to the play, to my fellow actors.

But you weren't trying to be. You weren't trying to be. I was not trying to be. No. I did not do a concentrated preparation of get yourself together. But that's a human error. Yeah, but you know what? That's not an error you want to make. Well, that's...

I'm not allowed. I will not give that to myself. Yes, of course you would say that. And that's why you are in this town, like one of the very few people who everybody likes. I hear Harvey Levin talk about you all the time. Harvey, I know Harvey for many years. Oh, I love him. He's been at my dinner table. I like him a lot. Oh, I love him. Yeah. And he loves you table. I like him a lot. Oh, I love him. Yeah.

Yeah, and he loves you. And you can tell, but you just have that reputation. But my wife knew him before I did and introduced me to him, you know. But okay, so you're doing the play nine months. Right. Nine months in, you discover how it really should be done. Do you feel bad about those audiences

who came for the first eight months and they saw the shitty version? No, because I made them laugh in a different version. I'm just finding it. I did not. But I will say that you, when you're on the stage, we were in a theater that was the music box, which is a kind of a smaller theater. There were a thousand people and you can feel if an audience is with you, an audience wants to see, an audience says show me. Or they're coughing when they're really bored. You know what, Neil, this is how brilliant Neil Simon was. He watched every preview. If he heard somebody cough, he rewrote the scene

so they had no time to cough. I'm not kidding. He wrote the cough out. That's awesome. That's so. It was unbelievable. Thank you for saving that story for me. That's awesome.

Thank you. And it's real. It is real for me. That's awesome. Thank you. And it's real. It is real. Wow. I watched him. He knew every line. And there, that's one of the reasons I know about your timing and your presentation of whatever the monologue is that you're giving to the audience. But stand up. Come on.

No, I'm sorry. First, it's so difficult. I don't think I could ever do it. Henry, I love you. But don't argue with me about stand-up, but I want to because I know it and you don't I've done it You you keep on saying that but it's really you're so definitive about what people know and what they don't know Well, no, but in this case, I always say I know something are you with me about anything except me? I know I know me you don't know I wouldn't argue with me about anything except me. I know me. I know me. I wouldn't argue about you with you. I'm seeing a different you than I have seen.

Like if you say, I like to kiss in the morning, I'm like, great. I take you at your word. I'm seeing a completely different you than I have seen on TV. Of course, that's why we do this. But don't argue with me about me. Why don't you let some of this humanity come out?

Sometimes I think you don't listen. On TV? On TV. Oh, you're so wrong about that. Am I? I'm the only talk show host who does listen. Oh my God. I just listen to different people, some of whom you don't.

But we're not in the room. Who you don't like because they don't agree with you. No, no, no, that's not true. Okay, maybe it's not. That's not true. You're right. I admire that there are lots of people on your show I don't agree with you. No, no, no, that's not true. Okay, maybe it's not. That's not true. You're right. I admire that there are lots of people on your show I don't agree with,

but they are interesting to hear their points of view. I do listen on remote. Okay. I really do. Okay. I mean, I am never afraid of dead air. That's not that we have it, but that's the reason. That's pretty lively. You know what is great? That's not that we have it, but that's the reason. That's pretty lively.

You know what is great is your interview with whoever it is in the chair before you get up to meet the panel. Yes, the one-on-one. Oh my God, those are great. Thank you. I appreciate that because I feel like I don't get the credit I deserve

as a one-on-one interviewer. You know what, you don't need the credit because you live it. Yeah, you're right It's right there. How long have you been on that show? How long have you been on TV? I'm gonna embroider that on a pillow. How many years? I've been doing real-time for 21 years Oh my god, and politically incorrect for nine years before I know so here it is 30 years 30 years you get the credit Oh, I do because other people have fallen down

and are left in the dust and you're there for over 30 fucking years, give me a break. Yeah. That's credit. And it was always. You know what, you just have to look at it differently. Oh, I do look at it that way. Yeah, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I think that I hit a nerve and I think that that bothers you, not me, but that it bothers you that you think you don't get the credit. And I'm telling you, nobody survives 30 years and that is the credit. That is an award. Well, both things are true. That is everything.

But as your new friend, let me tell you exactly what percent, because what we're talking about is what percentage of that bothers you. So if you say that bothers me, you're right. Now, if it's something I thought about every day, and some people do obsess like that, then I would say you have an issue. Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. The Daily Grind is back. It's fall, people are back to work, and Halloween is right around the corner where you get to decide what costume you get canceled for.

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that sound better. Go to Radioactivemedia.com or text random to 511-511. Text random to 511-511 today. Terms, conditions, message, and data rates may apply. What makes this podcast different? And there's a billion of them. The room. The room is so fun. The room. Everybody should be in this room. But also, like, we're not young. We don't have time to bullshit.

We are not young. That is true. So if you want to see two people, like get to know each other deeply in a really short amount of time, listen to this podcast. This is it. Like we're doing. And it's exhilarating.

It is. It's like there's sex and then there's mental ping pong. Those are the two most exciting things in the world. And I'm not gonna have sex with you. I have one more, thank you. No, no, really, because that would hurt. But can I just say? Oh, you don't know the half of it.

Fly fishing for trout. I'm going fly fishing. I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding. All right. So you made me spit a little on that. Yeah, I spit-taked. Yeah, but that was just a bit dribble. Yeah.

Because I didn't want to spit. Yeah. You didn't think I was going there. What about it? Fly fishing? What about it? Oh my God! The Fisher Majesties. But why are you suddenly bringing it up? Because that's another thing that takes a great deal of passion and concentration.

But we weren't talking about it. No, we were talking about wonderful things. You said sex. Oh, OK. Very, I mean, you're- I forgot what the other thing is. This is like how Kanye was. Like suddenly-

Kanye. Yeah, I mean, he was here. I was like, suddenly we're talking about Pete Davidson. It's like, what? We were never talking. Yeah. OK, fly fishing. Did you interview Pete? Fly, what we're talking about Pete Davidson. It's like, what? We were never talking. OK, fly fishing. Did you interview Pete?

What? Did you interview Pete? No, I'd love to. No. He seems lovely. I'm sure he's a very sweet guy. He's got his. The shoemaker I have trouble with.

The shoemaker? Yeah. Who's that? Kanye. Oh. The shoemaker. What's that? Doesn't he make those sneakers?

The shoemaker. Yeah. He's got a side gig as a rapper, but... I think maybe his wife should get dressed. Well, that's interesting. Interesting in the sense that some people just get away with things, other people can't get away with it. That is true. I mean, can you imagine if, say, just to pick a name out of a hat, Ryan Reynolds was making his wife dress like that?

I could not. I could not imagine that. Okay, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I could not imagine. Now, his first wife, not Ryan, the shoemaker I've known since high school, she is a lovely person. The fact that you think God is a shoemaker. I suppose he's a shoemaker, sounds Jewish, and he hates the Jews. But not in a bad way.

Not in a bad way. No, I talked to him. I tried to talk him out of it. Did you? You can't talk somebody who you can't. He listened. No, no. He's not maliciously evil. He's just, you know, he's got, I think, a little on the spectrum stuff going on and fed some bad information. And also, by the way, doesn't hold opinions that are exactly alien to lots of people in this country.

Right. They're exactly alien to lots of people in this country. There are lots of people who think the Jews are this or are that. And Jews are successful. And people generally... You know why? Because everything over the years, and we're talking centuries, people have tried to take everything away from the Jewish community. What they understand is, you can take anything I have, except what's in my mind.

That's so Jewish. Thank you. But great. Well, to give you a little perspective on the word that they love to use when they're in their encampments protesting Genocide, you know genocide Joe and genocide this okay even by Hamas's estimate What matches which is just for a minute which is their estimate and they're always full of shit But okay, even by the worst estimate the Israelis have killed 2% of the population. Poland-

And you're looking for, what do you think? Tell me a percentage. I'm just gonna finish this, because I have to. No, no, no, I'm with you. Because why bring up half the, okay. I'm with you. So 2%.

During World War II, or, and during it, Poland's population of Jews went from like 3 million to 5,000. Something like that. I may have those numbers slightly wrong. That's a genocide. I'm just talking strictly words have meanings now. Yes, they do.

Nothing, not a genocide. Even though the side screams it, that's a genocide, even though the outside screams it. That's a genocide. We've had it. And lots of people have had a bad run in this country. Nobody, not even black people in America, have had as recent a catastrophe number-wise as have the Jews.

That was in the last century. You mean in physical death. The Holocaust, yes. But in disrespect. Disrespect is not as bad as. In not being, in not, the, the. Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there and say physical death has to kind of trump not being respected.

As bad as not being respected is. I disagree, well it's not just disrespect. It's not just, oh you. You'd rather be dead than disrespected? Well, here's the thing, I'm not talking about a disrespect in I respect you or I don't. I'm talking about diminishing the ability to live a life. Yeah.

Again, I gotta think not allowing- Death is worse than not living, but not living up to your capacity because it is not recognized is a terrible thing. Yeah, I mean, it's not a competition, like who's had it worse, but I'm just saying there was no catastrophe to any ethnic group in the last 100 years worse than the Holocaust. I really think it's hard to refute that on numbers.

I don't know any Jew who wants to take over somebody else's life. I don't. As opposed to who? As opposed to what they say, you know. You, you, we're not going to whatever they were chanting with those tiki torches, looking adorable in their khakis. See, it's interesting. When you think of Jew haters, you think of the tiki torch people.

Some. When I think of Jew haters, and I understand those are Jew haters to a degree when I think of Jew haters I think of something I think far more virulent Okay, which is the campus protests and the people in this country now who are not just out there chanting For Hamas a terrorist organization that wants to wipe out and what? for Hamas, a terrorist organization that wants to wipe out and want, avowedly says they want to commit genocide on a group of people. That to me is the worst. No, tiki tortures, no, they're not good people.

Jews will replace us. They have a screwy idea that- Yeah, I don't want to replace anybody. No, I know. I'm just saying- I want to just enjoy- I'm just saying, there are Jew haters on both left and right. I think where we would differ,

because I think you're like very, like straight up on the left side, is you think the tiki torturers are the worst. No. And I think the campus morons. No, I see them as the surface, and just below that surface is everyone you're talking about

but the people on campus very often it's like a Volcano that hasn't broken the the the shell yet Or you think that's what's going on with the tiki torture I think they are just the what's going on with the tiki torture. I think they are just the, blblblbl, the bubbling. But like Trump, he's their hero. He doesn't hate the Jews.

He did more for Israel, and I fucking hate him too. I get it. But moving the embassy to Jerusalem, every American president said they would do it. They didn't. That's just a fact. And every nation, every people has the right to have their capital in their capital city,

what really is it. There has been a continuous Jewish presence in Jerusalem since like 3000 BC. If it's about who got there first, they're the Indians. So to say that, and his daughter married a Jew, their big hero is not an anti-Semite. And he's rich. He fucks around with lots of billionaire rich types,

and many of them are Jews. Business people. Roy Cohen was his hero. Oh, wait, no, that's Roy Cohen. He may not be Jewish. Roy Cohen? I don't know. I don't know.

He was... But it's C-O-H, that was hard to even say he was human. I think he was. Anyway, I'm not that worried about the anti-Semitism, although it exists on that side. I'm worried about the useful idiots who think that Hamas is some sort of trendy, like, counter-cultural group to get behind, fighting the man, fighting racism. No, that's a good point.

They're fucking morons. That's a good point. No, I don't know that they're morons. And they're dangerous. And they have professors on the campuses who say the most virulent anti-Semitic things who are exhilarated One of them said it my alma mater by October 7th. He was exhilarated So, of course if the professor says it how can you blame the kids? Right?

Well the kid that's not giving the kids any responsibility for their own thinking. I think that Take you know that I think that this country really needs to teach critical thinking once again. Well, good luck with that. Thank you. Because it's not, I mean, you see what's going on in the schools, nothing. I do. So your kids are how old?

My children are 53, 43, and 41. So you can leave them alone. I can, I do. I'm proud of them. Oh, so they're full-ass adults. And they are lovely human beings. And they have lovely children. That's interesting to me.

What's it like to have, as your children, people who are now old enough, to be the kind of person you would really be a friend with? Because when they're 10, they're not really you. You know what? It is relief. I feel relief that they are so lovely. I'm proud.

I am sometimes just in awe of how responsible they are on this earth. Well, you've probably taught them that. You should be happy with yourself. Well, I don't know. Whatever it is, they picked up the lesson, the mantle. That's what it is. Max said he was going to be a director

when I took him to see Bottle Rocket by Wes Anderson. And he kept his word. He is a wonderful director and showrunner. Does he make movies like Wes Anderson? He, when he did, when he made his first movie, he dressed in a suit and a tie like Wes Anderson. We got him for a birthday present, an autographed copy of a script from Wes Anderson.

What are some of Wes Anderson's movies? I just did one called The French Dispatch. He did Butter Rocket, which was amazing. And he is... What are some others? I mean, I feel like I get... there's a few of them that I get kind of confused, like Paul Thomas Anderson. No, that is a completely different director. I know it is and I should know this.

Yeah. And now his... Paul Anderson's wife is one of my idols. Why? Because she's one of my idols. Why? Because she's one of the funniest people on the earth. Is she in show business? She is in show business. Is she famous? Yes, she is famous.

She was one of the stars of Saturday Night Live. Who is she? Why are we playing 20 questions? Who is she? I'll get back to you on that. What it must be, public knowledge. It is. Who is she? You're putting me on the spot.

I'm going to- Oh, you did that name thing again. I did. Oh, I was going to tell you the funniest story. Yes, go ahead, please. So I'm not going to- While I'm looking up her name. I'm not going to name the person here,

but a huge A-list actor. Yes. Saw him at a part, there were some parts. Yeah, some parts, some events, something, something, something, I've seen him before. I like him, nice guy, great actor, great star. But you can tell when somebody like, they know they should know you. Right.

And they even know that they should love you. Right. But they really don't, you know, they're doing you. Right. And they even know that they should love you. Right. But they really don't. They're doing stuff. Right. OK. This is at a party. Yeah. And I could see it in his eye.

Like, we're going to have to say hello, but he can't come up with my name. And he just went, my hero. Yeah. But I want to tell you. I was like, what a brilliant out. It's so embarrassing. My out. It's so embarrassing. My hero.

It's so embarrassing. That's me. That's my name. Your hero. I was your hero. She is my hero. And I am. And I know her.

She's in my phone. That's how terrible this is. I'm going to turn all the cards over. Lucille Ball. No. No? All right. Give it a shot. However, Happy Days were shot on stage 19 on Lucy's side of the Paramount studio and it's where she invented the three camera format. How about that? That was great. So when you drove onto that iconic paramount lot under that paramount, I told my wife when they said, hello, Mr. Winkler. Hello, Mrs. Winkler.

I said, do not get used to this because there's going to come a time when I'm going to have to call to get a drive on. That's heavy, dude. It's true. No, it's very true. And you did? I did.

To get a drive on because you were auditioning for something? Auditioning or I had a meeting. I had to get permission to drive on the lot where I had an office for 14 years where I did Happy Days and produced MacGyver and sightings. Had no history. But that's very wise to be able to foresee that. Yeah. And to even say it to your partner.

I did. And how'd she take it? She could not. Bye. No, you can't believe that that is the truth. You know, the first night we went on a date, we saw a walkabout, the Nicholas Rogue movie in Westwood, and I said, you know, it's better if we sit

in the back of the theater. She said, why? Yeah. I said, I don't know how to explain it to you. Trust me, it's better if we sit in the back of the theater. She didn't know you were a giant star? She said, I don't know how to explain it to you. Trust me, it's better if we sit in the back of the theater. She didn't know you were a giant star? She said, why? And I said, okay.

And we sat in the middle of the theater. The entire theater stood up and came over to say hello. And she looked at me and went, oh. Right, that's what I mean, rock star. Yeah. That, yeah, that doesn't happen. Even in show business, that doesn't happen a lot. So then, how'd you get out of the theater?

We left during the credits before the lights came up. Then I drove her to, we were gonna have, at that time there was a restaurant called Le Restaurant, and we were gonna have dessert after the movie. And I'm waving. And she said, who are you waving to? You couldn't possibly know that many people. I said, I don't know who they are.

They're waving. I'm waving. Where did this chick grow up? Bulgaria? No, here in LA. I know, but she seems to know nothing. Her dad was my dentist. She seems to know nothing.

Her dad was my dentist. But why didn't she know who you were? You know what? I didn't ask her. I don't know. To this day? No. Now she knows. I know but like you never said to her, honey why on our first date? No. Why? Why don't you go there? I never. I don't want to and I don't need to.

You think possibly she did know and was faking it? You know what? I don't know that to be true. She certainly knows because I was a candle. She went out and bought me as a candle and put me on my kid and her kids came. Henry, I heard this. I've heard this from so many chicks. I was on a plane. I didn't know who he was. Yes, you did. Well, you know what? There's a lot of people I never know.

I just went to see, wait a minute, Paul Michael Anderson, right? Oh my God, you're still looking that up. This is killing me. Bill, this is killing me. You're as bad with technology as I am. I need to know. You know, when I get out of my car.

Paul Thomas Anderson, here we go. When I get out of my car. Yes, I'm listening. Sometimes the car says to me, Yes. You've left your phone, which I didn't. Right. It's because I have a

iPod connected there, and it thinks it's my phone right and I just want to say technology brings out in me something that Never happens in real life. I'm really quite even-tempered I don't yell at people and when my car says you left your phone, I'm like, shut the fuck up. Really? I did not leave my phone. And I don't talk that way to people. Here we go. Wait a minute.

This has got to tell me. Oh my god. I know. I know. I'm listening to every word. No. And I'm sorry that your car is so annoying. No, I want to get back to your first date.

That fascin to me. Because I've got to say. How does it tell me every single thing about this man and not his wife's name? I hope she is not listening. Google wife. Google wife. Google his name plus wife.

Oh, god, that's so good. Oh my God. Okay, wait a minute. Oh, I found someone dumber with technology than me. Thank you, Jesus. Well, I'm so happy that you said that, wife. I can actually spell that word. Yeah.

But, you know, we're all just humans with lizard brains. No, no, no, I'm with you. You don't even know where I'm going with this. No, I don't. I have a lizard brain. Okay, wait. And your wife does. My wife is a lizard?

No, she has a lizard brain, like we all do. I'm just saying, when you're with a guy on a date, there's certain things that go on that excite the lizard brain in the woman. And there's certain things. What do you think that is? Well, I'm gonna tell you. There's certain things that give her the ick.

You know what the ick is. No. What? I don't. I love it when I feel like I'm in a scene with you. Thank you. Because your timing is so good. You know, you hit that ball right back.

I swear to God, I don't know what ick is. Unless it's icky. Okay, the ick, it comes from that. The ick is something that a man... Would somebody in the back room tell me what this man's wife's name is? No, there's no one in the world but us. Okay.

The ick is when a man, usually a man, anyone can do it, but it's usually a man, does something so icky that the woman is permanently turned off. Like if he's mean to the waitress. Yes. Something like that. If he pays with a coupon. It's just the ick.

Maya Rudolph! Okay. Victory. The eagle has landed. Okay. Now I'm with you. I'm back 100% in this room. Okay. So Maya Rudolph, very talented. Oh my God. I think she's one of the funniest people on the planet. And I, she just is.

Anyway, the ick, that's the ick. The opposite of the ick is something that wetens panties. Right. And that could be. Being nice to the waitress. That could do it, yes. That's things like that, listening. Oh, I mean women are. Do you know, do you know Bill Moore,

when you have wet a girl's panties without seeing her panties? I think at this point in my life I have a good idea. You do. And I'm just saying, if I sat down in a movie theater and everybody started to get close to me, my panties would get wet. Gotcha.

I'm just saying it's a panty wetter. Okay. It just says, this is an alpha. Right. Right? I'm an alpha pretty much everywhere except my house. Just saying. Why go the one place where you don't,

no I'm kidding. But that must have been exciting for her. I guess, she married me. Right, how soon after that was? We have six and 15, 16. That must have been exciting for her. I guess. She married me. Right. How soon after that was? Three beautiful children. We have six and 15, 16s. So how long after that date did you get married?

Oh, I would say it was a little more than a year. We dated. We lived together. And that was big because she brought her son. Were you exclusive at the time? With her? From the moment you met her? Yes, I was.

Not from the moment I met her, but eventually, totally exclusive. Not from the moment you met her. No. I love it. I would be a liar. I was dating her and we were not exclusive. And you were dating some other people? And then we were exclusive.

Yeah, exactly. And then her son, who was four, is now 53, and my son. We're all playing a version of The Bachelor. Right. And there was a time you met her and you were giving out roses, and you gave out fewer and fewer until you just wanted to give her the rose.

That's right, I gave her the dozen. So what'd you say to the chicks that you let off? Oh, that's a good question. You know what? I don't know that I ever made that phone call. I don't think I ever. You just faded? You just faded away?

I faded. Oh. I think I did. That's low. Should I write them now? No. I would definitely do that. You would? Absolutely. Hey, I'm so 50 years ago. Yeah. I wouldn't definitely do that. You would.

Absolutely. Hey, I'm so, 50 years ago, I'm so sorry. You know what? I should have said something. That I was an asshole. But you know what? I started therapy about nine years ago with this incredible doctor.

And if I were to give her a present, I would have to give her the size of a skyscraper. And I am a different human being. I was, I was closed off from my emotionality before that. I feel the same way about pot. Mm-hmm, pot opens you up?

Well, apparently. Yeah. But what... Do you smoke every day? No. No. Never have. No. Doesn't work as good if you do.

No, that's true. You know, I smoked in drama school, and it was amazing. My first time was with Peter Covet, who unfortunately is no longer with us, but we then went to a rehearsal of Coriolanus. And Harris Yulin was the head of the Volshan Army, and Stacy Keach was his enemy. And we had swords and a sword fight, and I smoked before the audition.

What? And I hit Stacey Keech on the head, and I ran off stage and hid behind the scenery, and he came running off, who the fuck hit me on the head? I never told him until today. If he's listening, I was the one. And then you're gonna get together with all these women

who you should have called. I don't think I'm gonna get together. I don't think. I think maybe I'm gonna use your podcast to say, we don't see each other anymore, sorry. Right, like a civil suit. And I hope you've had a good life. Like a class action.

Yeah. You're saying to all the ones that I was seeing because I was a big star who they but do you think it? Made you more attracted to your wife that she wasn't impressed by you Do you know what I will say that there is a thing where you don't know? why say that there is a thing where you don't know why the young lady is with you. You don't know whether it is because you are a star, because you're on television, do they like me? And with Stacey, I was pretty sure it was the human being first. That's profound because, and it's certainly something I relate to.

I totally get it. Very much so. I totally get it. You know, but look, there's a lot of bad shitty things about getting older, but one of the great things about it is you're not, as we were saying before, young and fucking stupid. So you can see that a mile away. Right. Like no one can fool me on that.

Right. And I don't even hold it against you. Right. If that's who you are. Right. But don't insult my... I see you and we're moving on. Right.

And don't insult my intelligence to think that I don't see it. And it's OK. Right. We all got to make a living. Right. You know, I tell the gardener every time he's here, don't see it and it's okay, right? We all got to make a living right, you know I'd tell the gardener every time he's here don't kill the groundhogs You know, I have groundhogs you do and they ruin the lawn. Yeah, I'm like everybody's got to make a living Wow No, I don't know if I could be that big with the ground with the ground harp or the mole. I

Think they're the same thing. Yeah, maybe anyway. Well, the mole. I think they're the same thing. Yeah, maybe. Anyway. Well, the mole is blind. The groundhog, I think, can see. But I will tell you, I toured with this book in Australia, and I met a meerkat, and it was thrilling. What's a meerkat? A meerkat, I'll show you a picture. No, no, no.

They can't see it. You don't want to see it. Just describe it. They are... They're listening. They stand up on...and they see everything, and they are this high, and they stand on your head. You're talking about an animal.

I'm talking about an animal. How big? I would say they are a foot or a little more tall. Is it a type of cat? It is, no. It is not. The cat is misleading. It's like, yes.

The mere, I think the cat. Is it a mere cat? It's called a mere cat. No, but I'm saying. No, it's not just a mere. Is it a mere cat? No, it is not a mere cat. It is the most adorable animal.

That would be funny. It's a mere cat. Yes, a mere cat. If it was aerkat. Yes, a meerkat. If it was a cat that was like... Just meerkat. Exactly. Just meerkat. So unimpressive that people called it a meerkat.

Well, I'm not crazy about cats. I am not crazy about cats. I am a dog person. You know what? I've always said this. I'll say it again. Cats as a pet only make sense in a world without dogs. Yeah.

You mean, if there were no dogs at all, then you would have to have a cat to have something. Right. If that's the best you could do. But if you could find something that smothers you in love versus somebody who looks at you, you know, with the disinterested sneer of a supermodel. True. True. True. My first job out of drama school was I babysat two Siamese cats

who were bald. Black guys? They... Oh, cats. You mean like, a gactual cat? Siamese cats. Okay. And they were bald because all of their hair was on my clothing It was horrific

But did you answer my question about did not answer The Yeah, it's so hard to know But I guess after 46 years Yeah, it's so hard to know, but I guess after 46 years, I think the jury's in. The jury's in. That you went through good times, you went through bad times. Yeah, you do. And the same person was there.

Yes. You know. When every time I had a major crisis, Stacey was the first to be the support system. Yeah. And in the worst of times. Yeah, I've heard people say to me, like when you get sick, you're gonna want someone there. And I always say, when I'm sick,

it's the least thing in the world I want. You don't know that, Bill. I don't want someone there. Okay, you don't know that, because the fact of the matter is it might be so lonely and so fear-producing. I know me. Oh yeah, that's true. I don't like people to see me when I'm not at my best.

It's like there are times when you're not at my best. It's like, there are times when you're not at your best, like why inflict it on anybody else? I don't see that it's inflicting, but I understand you feel that way. Yeah. I mean, if I was sick, I would wanna be taken care of, but like I can't really offer anything and I can't pretend we're really having a good time. I'm not a good'm not a good pretender. Right, right. Okay. I'm not a pretender. Okay, so like

If I got the you know, I forgot the tube in me. Don't tell me I look sexy I get I it just what happens if that's not the only thing that someone who is there is going to say to you that They're not necessarily going to say it all depends on whether you're sexy or not. They are loving you and they want you to be comfortable. I want to make you comfortable. I will tell you I have tickets to the Philharmonic five times in the season. We go Saturday afternoon when we're not traveling.

And it is, it's uplifting, it is, I think everybody should go to a symphony hall, but be that as it may. I'm not kidding. It transforms you, Bill. We are so different. But you've gotta go there to know what I'm talking about. I don't, I'm not going.

On the way, very good friends, Frank and Lynn, we were talking about, at the end of life, do you want to be resuscitated? And we all said, no, except when I have witnessed a few people at the end of their life and the will to live, the will to hang on is so much stronger than when you are fully in your brain. And you say, no, I don't wanna be, don't resuscitate me.

There's nothing stronger than the will to live. Nothing. Which is why suicide is so funny. Not funny in a funny way, but funny weird. It's so funny. Not funny in a funny way, but funny weird. It's so strange. Because it's so against the primal urge. But can you imagine where the pain must be that someone can actually do it?

Do you remember the joke Woody Allen quotes in Annie Hall, where he talks about the, okay, when he says, you know, there's these two Jewish women, and they're eating the dinner that they've been given, probably in the Catskills, and they keep complaining about everything, like, oh my God, it was cold,

and the noodles weren't right, and this wasn't right. The other one says, yes, and the portions were so small. You know, it's like, and he was like, makes the announcement, this is life, you know? We do nothing but complain, but we want more of it. Right. And we do.

You just, you know. Well, I have to say, at this moment, I am so grateful to be on this earth. Yeah, you should be. I mean, you're vital at 79. A lot of people aren't even alive, let alone working and not, again, presenting as that age, which is great. That's about as good as you can do. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. But it is sobering. It's sobering. To have and feel the breath of death on your neck. It's not like- I feel it on my knees. I am not kidding. When I take the dogs down at about 10 o'clock at night in order for them to go to the bathroom,

you hear me walk down- Bathroom? 16, yeah, well, go outside. Why don't you have a doggie door? Well, we do do but that's locked Why because it's so scary at this moment in history You locked a doggy door. We do you think that not yes I do JD Vance is gonna crawl through your you know, what kill you on the couch. He could fit And I don't want to hear my couch. What are you afraid of crawling through the dog?

I don't know, but I don't want to near my couch. What are you afraid of crawling through the dog? I don't know I don't want to talk about it's too scary But anyway the the point of it is there are 16 stairs to go down and you hear oh oh, oh For 16 stairs what which is my niece. Oh, I see you're saying that. I'm saying that because it is shocking. Don't lock the doggy door. I mean, there's solutions. You cannot convince me not to lock the doggy door. I can't believe you think that anything...

When I get home tonight, when I get home after this wonderful chat, I'm locking that doggy door. But whatever is out there that's going to crawl through the doggy door and get you, wouldn't it get you when you're taking the dogs for the walk at 10 o'clock at night? I don't think in the same terms. And I feel pretty confident. Okay, well you do that and I will not poison the moles in my lawn. Thank you.

You know, people have to live underground. Look at Hamas. Yeah, oh my God. We're back to that. I just thought I would do one callback. Please. You wove it back in. You know, the weave.

I worked on sitcoms too. You did? I did three sitcoms. What did you do? I did a show called Sarah in 1985 with Gina Davis and Alfrey Woodard in Bronze and Pinchot. Gary David Goldberg, I'm sure you remember. He was a friend of mine.

OK, well that was his show. Amazing. Big show. Big. He's a, what a writer he was. Yeah, it was on in between family ties, which was. His wife, Diana, started a school, the Archer School. Oh, I see you didn't have to look her up.

No, I did not. And I want to tell you I'm grateful that I didn't remember Maya Rudolph's name is going to haunt me now for months. Let yourself off the hook. I want to. You know what? It's not possible. I'm a short Jew.

Disc full. Disc full. Disc full. I mean, there's only so many places. Can I change the disc? You know what? You're my hero. OK.

Just use that. When you see her, go. I swear to what? You're my hero. Okay, just use that. When you see her, go. I swear to God. You're my hero. But I have said that to her. The last time I saw her, she was having a meal with her children, beautiful children,

but the time before that was, I love music, but I can't make music, but I saw Brandy Carlisle live, which is something everybody should do. Again, you're always suggesting these things I'm not going to do. Is that true you don't go to concerts? I don't go to concerts. But if I did, I'd knock against her.

Have you ever seen Bruce live? Have you ever seen Bruce? Bruce Wings? No. No. Four hours, can't do it. No you ever seen Bruce? Bruce Wayne's? No. No. Four hours, can't do it. No, you could. Too old, have to pee. No, you could.

No, sorry. No, you could pee and he's still going. You would not miss a thing if you go to pee, but he is like magic. Oh, I'm sure. Louis Cabaldi, I'd like to meet him. Who's that? Louis Cabaldi is an English singer who's got Tourette's. And if he has an attack in the middle of his concert,

the audience keeps singing the song so that when he comes out of it, he'll know exactly where he is. What are you, trying to get a GLAAD Award or something? No. I'm just fucking. No, I'm telling you the truth. It's something, I just, I know. But I love. It's something, I know.

But I love, and Bruno Mars, you ever see Bruno Mars? No, but I was in his club. Oh, Bruno Mars. Where you would never go in Vegas. It's not a. It's not a. A strip club? A strip club, it's a club club.

Did you ever meet him? It's awesome. It's called Pinky or something. I only went once, forgive me, I'm a little stoned. I forget the name. But you can look it up. Bruno Mars has a club. It's got an amazing band.

It's got an old school feel. It's great. I know I'm doing a... He is absolutely brilliant. Yeah. He plays every instrument. And we saw him at the bowl. And he said something at the bowl.

And he said something that just stuck. He said, five years ago, I was down La Brea at a pub singing for 15 people. Really? And here I am. And this place is sold out. I saw Billy Joel. Billy Joel.

At the Unicorn, which was a little coffee house in Ithaca, New York when I was in college. Wow. Now, here's a great thing. Billy Joel, I met him and he said, my mom loves you and I sent her an autographed picture. You Jews really stick together. We do. But oh my God, is he unbelievable? Oh. I love people who make music. Look, I probably am going to get in trouble with some people for saying this, but

the American lyricists in pop music are better than the ones from, let's just say, other countries, in my opinion. I'm talking about Billy Joel, I'm talking about Bob Dylan. Elton? No, that's another country. Oh, that's another country. And he didn't write his own lyrics. Bernie. And that's my point.

The lyrics, they're not horrible, but they're not on the level of- Are you saying Bernie did not write? Are you saying he did not write great lyrics? Let me say what I was gonna say. Absolutely, I'm going to stop now. Okay. There are lyrics that work with the music. Yes. Without the music, if you had just read them,

you wouldn't be that impressed. Okay. Okay? All right. Rocket Man, Rocket Man, it's called... That's one song. It's called Cold as Hell. That's one song.

It's just, you know... Did you ever hear the last song? Did you ever hear the song called The Last Song? It's on the album One. It is the last song. And it is a son talking to his father. Who wrote that? Finally, Bernie and Elton. Okay, well not Elton, just Bernie.

Just Bernie. Bernie, Elton never wrote a lyric. Okay, so, okay, you know, that's my opinion. I really think I could back it up in a literature course. But Paul Simon, Billy Joel, Jackson Brown, Bob Dylan. Brandy Carlile. That may be true. Oh my God.

And people would probably also say Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell. But I don't know her work that well because the music didn't make me want to listen to the lyrics. And if the music doesn't work then... All right. All right. So we're leaving... I have a great Joni Mitchell story.

I just feel like Billy Joel's lyrics, you ever hear Angry Young Man? Yes. I mean, that's an opus. A lot of them are. They are amazing. And they're just on a level of poetry that lives without the music.

Yes, I agree with you on that. I'm sorry, but a lot of the Beatles stuff does not live without the music. Somebody on Twitter... Hello, goodbye, goodbye, hello. Somebody today... You say yes, I say no. It's just not... All right.

It's just not something that lives... I love the song. Don't make me pretend the lyrics are anything. I understand. Okay. I'm with you. So that's my thing on... But today on Twitter, somebody said, do you really like the Beatles or do you like them because you're supposed to?

Well, that's not a hard question for me to answer. No. I met all of the Beatles except George. Ah. Yeah. I was very... When John Lennon came to the set of Happy Days with his 9-year-old son Julian. Holy fuck. When? Really? In the 70s? Oh, I have one of my favorite pictures of all time that I have.

So was this during the lost weekend when he was living out here? I don't know, but he was completely- Like 73? Yeah, no, it was a little later. A little later than that. But he came with his son, Julian, and he was very shy.

And I could not get him into a conversation until I talked to him about the song Mother, which was the primal scream on his solo album and he opened like a garden. Really? Oh my god. And what did he say? That it was so important to him that oh you actually heard it, you know it was so important to him that, oh, you actually heard it. You know, it was not the most popular song on that album. Do you know who covered that song? No. Streisand.

Wow. You should listen to that. Okay. Barbara Streisand did Mother. Okay. Because she had issues with her mother. Yes, she did. And so it's, but I mean, both of them are very powerful.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was a great album. I mean, he also had the song, God. God is a concept by which we measure our pain. One of the best lines he ever wrote. And then he goes through that long litany, I don't believe in, and he mentions like 20, I don't believe in Dylan, I don't believe in Buddha,

I don't believe, he mentions all the gods, and at the end is, I don't believe in Beatles. Wow. I just believe in me, Yoko and me, and that's reality. Wow. It was like his message to the fans. Yes. And then there's a great melody part after,

the dream is over, what can I say? The dream is over yesterday. And it's like, you know, you have all the old records, but the fucking Beatle thing is done. Right, right, right. Get on with your lives. Right. It's the 70s now. It was a really gutsy and also considerate thing to do,

I thought, to the fans, to himself and to the fans. Just to... How revealing, Jerry. Just what you said. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But that's great that you had that moment. I'm telling you. I met Paul on Lexington Avenue.

He went, LeFons. And then I swear to God. And then he, I've told this story before, he gave me his number. Wow. He said, we should get together. Wow. And I called him like an asshole. But I called him every 10 minutes

because it never picked up. And then, so if he's listening, That's what's dark. He could call me back, I'm an okay guy. I could name a couple of stars so that happened with me. Like, there are some people who are, they just, you see why they're so popular

because when they're with you, they just turn it on. And you're the only one and they love you and then you realize they do it with everybody. Yeah. But it's still a skill. It's still a skill. It's still a skill to be respectful and to be present in the moment.

Well, but also to, I mean, when we use the word charming, what do we really mean? We probably mean somebody really likes us. They're interested in us. Who's a bore? A bore is someone who talks about themselves. A charming person is someone talking about you. Right, right.

What a charmer. Yeah, because he was like, what are you doing? You know, like. Yeah, or he told a good story. You know who's like that? Who everyone says was like that, and I found like that before he was President Trump. Really?

Yes, everyone who ever met him says that. He had that thing. You know, like, you didn't think he was the asshole he became in office. He was like this guy who was like, oh, interested in you and looking at you and talking to you and complimenting you. Don King used to do it, you know.

Oh, wow. You're the greatest American. There are people who just like- He should have combed his hair. Make you feel like a million bucks in two minutes. It's just their skill. And then you realize it's just a magic trick they do on everybody.

But not necessarily a magic trick, because sometimes it is really fun to see who is in front of you and experience them for as long as you're together. I'm not kidding. I never think you are. I take you completely together. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I never think you are. I thank you completely at your word. I forget why we were talking about that.

I don't know why. It was important to me, though. It was important to me. It'll come to you, like Maya Rudolph came to me. Well, came to you were strong words, since you were on your phone for 20 minutes. I was. Not 20, but I was was I couldn't stop until I found I mean the woman I adore I know I could not find her name, but you in my mind personally called the NSA

I felt that that was a little over the top. Yeah, I will if I only knew Yeah, they probably are monitoring you because you're a big radical. Yeah. Well, I'm going to release you back into the wild so I can… What a pleasure this was. Yeah. I knew it would be. I don't know how long we've been chatting.

I don't either. That's an amazing thing. That's a good thing. Yeah. You have that with your wife still? I do. That's amazing good thing. Yeah. You have that with your wife still? I do. That's amazing. Yeah.

That's amazing to me that you can have it after so many years that you don't run out of conversation. No, but that is the humanness of the relationship. But like you said earlier that when you do a theatrical piece, you're doing it for nine months, you're still finding new things. To me, there is an analogy there with marriage. Because I know Yul Brenner, for example,

did 3,000 performances of The King and I. You mean he was still finding new things? You know what, there comes a moment. You think one night he just said, I'd love to do Fiddler on the Roof. You know what, I bet that's true. But that's kind of like in a marriage. He was great in The Magnificent Seven.

Yul Brynner? Yeah. Oh, I know somebody who knew him quite well. He was like everything you think, like a badass. Really? You know, like a badass. Really? Let's just say women, he was not now's man of the year. Right. Wow, I did not know that. Well, he was just a very macho guy.

But can I just say that- Who women could not resist. Wow. And smoked himself to death. Really? Yeah, Yul Brynner, yeah. I didn't know that. I think that eventually and smoked himself to death. Really? Yeah, Yule Brenner, yeah. I didn't know that.

I think that eventually doing that musical was not discovering something new, it was keeping him alive. You don't do something 3,000 times and still discover, you do it because it is keeping you in the forefront, giving you a living. Yes, giving you a living. Like that. I think Tevye did 3000 performances of Fiddler. Yeah.

I mean, also... Zero Mostel or... No, I think Tevye. I don't think Zero... Tevye is the name of the character. Oh. So you're talking about the guy from Israel. Yeah, Zero.

But oh my God. And also Matthew Broderick and... Nathan Lane. Nathan Lane. And the producers. Did producers for like a crazy long time. Right. And that...

Nathan Lane has the ability to make moments in between moments. He literally when when he says a joke, he can find another moment before he starts his next line. That is he's an amazement. Yeah, I saw him in. I don't go to a lot of shows, but I saw him on one called November Mm-hmm written by a mammoth David. Yeah So funny. Yeah, I mean you don't think of mammoth as the kind of playwright where it's like laugh a minute No, and he is yeah, at least in that one. Yeah, I mean that's a straight-up funny comedy with a lot of political

Overtones. Yeah. It's about politics. It's about an election and a politician. And that was Nathan Lane. And that was...I was impressed. I'm telling you, there are far and few between like that. He's a real throwback to the stage act. He's famous enough from work and television and movies,

but he is Yeah, you kind of have to see him live to appreciate the full. Can I thank you for inviting me here? Yeah. Oh, I Wanting to make it happen for the longest time I mean you're like one of those people who like I'm always all around and I'm sure we've seen each other at parties We never got to talk. We saw each other at a wedding, I believe. Not too long ago, maybe it was Carol Leifer. Oh, yes. Yes. Carol Leifer, one of my greatest, oldest friends

from the club days in New York. Really? She went to the clubs. Yeah, she was a comedian that we all started with. Yeah, she is great. I mean, she married a, I mean, her first husband, her first spouse. Right, her first spouse, yeah. Was, yeah, a great friend of ours, comedian, rich.

Like in 1980 they got married or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love her. She, I did a show. Everybody wanted him. We traveled around the world, in Better Late Than Never, and she was the writer who would watch the interviews and everything

and then run in and give you a line from what she just heard. That was like. She's the model for Elaine on. Oh, no kidding. On Seinfeld yeah sure I didn't know that the funny female friend yeah that's cool Wow all right well I'm sure we'll see each other again I hope so can I give you a hug? You can give me a blowjob? No I won't do that but I'll give you a hug