Club Random with Bill Maher - Howie Mandel | Club Random with Bill Maher
Episode Date: May 23, 2022Bill Maher and Howie Mandel (new show "Bullsh**t the Game Show" on Netflix) randomly riff on how close Howie is to becoming Howard Hughes, the childhood trauma that gave him OCD, why Bill jumps on a ...trampoline every day, the impact of luck on a show business career, cancel culture and the war on comics, Howie’s first time on stage and the birth of his famous rubber glove bit, and saying goodbye to Gilbert Gottfried. Stay to the end and see Bill extend a very special invite to Howie.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Can I just say something?
I love you and I'm prefacing this by no, I love you.
I think you're bright, I think you're funny.
I don't get a chance to talk to you.
This is fantastic.
I love you too.
No, I really do.
I do.
In fact, so much so that I'll get back to this because I jump all over the place.
But in the last couple of months, and I know you don't, I'm not talking, I'm not bringing
up anything you do on your other show,
but you have referenced me.
And you always say, many times.
Yes. And you referenced me.
I did my special.
Right.
And we all want to raise a bunch of howey Mandelts.
Correct.
Can I just say something?
Yes.
I took that like a badge of honor.
I was so moving.
Well, so I loved it.
The first time I, yes. Okay.
The first time I referenced you was early in the pandemic. Right.
And it was much more involved, but I was the same premise that
but it was so respectful to you because and this, see, I have proof that I love you because
it's on tape and you could see it. And I remember it was like, you know how you're Mandel, we all know how we, we all love how we. Right. I said that. But I don't take it. I know, I know.
And then I said by his own admission, and I quoted you, right, saying, I wouldn't wish this
whatever the quote was, you know, because I know it is a burden. This is a fucking burden.
Right. I wouldn't wish this on my wife's body. So I'm. And you're a very smart guy who knows what he's saying
that was not a slip of the tongue.
And I'm glad you've mentioned it many times.
But every time you mention it, I get a barrage.
And I don't know if you get the same thing.
I get a barrage on social media.
Do you know what the fuck he said about you?
Do you know he's putting you, like it's so miss, miss, miss.
Well, you can't.
Interpreted.
Right.
As far as like making fun of your mental health.
I don't do the show or say the things I say
for the benefit of slow people who can't follow
interesting conversation.
I just don't.
That's why we're here at Club Random.
We don't have dummies here.
And I, you know, I can't stop the dummies from coming.
Well, I wanted to come here to tell you that I love what you do.
I watch everything that you do.
Thank you.
And I did not expect, I've never been, you've never invited me over.
You've never invited me.
This sounds like the beginning of the Godfather.
No, but this, look at this place.
This is, you never asked me to come for coffee.
And I had come here on there, my daughter's wedding.
You do it at the pressure.
I remember you're watching your son.
You're doing pressure.
That is not justice.
Can I just say something?
You're a mother's talent.
I have a buzzer.
I would send you on to the next.
I'll take you to Hollywood.
You're going to Hollywood.
I must say, pursuant to this theme that we've struck out on, this little endeavor of sitting
here and doing this podcast is been the number one reason of wonderfulness is because there
are so many people, not so many, but Dr. Drew was here and I'm Corolla, Mike,
people who like, I like, and I'm not young anymore.
I've known them a long time,
like I've known you a long time,
and I never really knew them.
And in an hour, I feel like we took our relationship
from nice, nice, nice to here.
How I know this person, you know?
And you could talk about anything here.
That's why I wanted you here.
I wouldn't invite someone here who I didn't feel that way about.
But I got to tell you.
This is not a place where you're gonna, you know,
you know, I'm not gonna interview.
It's not a, you know.
No, it's just hanging and I love this.
Yes.
See, I'm a recluse.
I am.
I don't know that people know that about me.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
I wouldn't fur that from the disease.
Right.
But you're not gonna be a coachella. No, I've never gone. I wouldn't fur that from the disease. Right. But you're not going to be in Coachella.
No, I've never gone.
I have no desire to go.
It doesn't even sound like a body surf.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Not going to surf, surf.
No, I don't want to touch things.
The point is, that's why I was scared being here.
I didn't know I thought this was going to happen.
So don't pass the joint.
No, I'm so right now.
I mean, the clove.
No, I was a big smoker.
Oh, really?
Yes.
So I'll tell you that.
I'm halfway through three stories,
and I haven't said anything.
But that's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying.
I am.
That the clove in.
COVID fucked me up, Riley.
And because of you don't want to be how he handles it.
And my panacea was, you're holding it.
You know, I was smoking a lot.
That's my brand, let's see you.
Yes.
But I smoked a lot.
I can't do anything in moderation.
Is that right?
Nothing.
So I would, if I smoke, I have to smoke till I'm not conscious.
And if I can't get enough pot till I'm not conscious,
I would take a drink.
And then if there wasn't enough to drink,
I would eat like seven gummies.
And if I'm not, until I was,
so I was, I can do virtually everything in moderation.
Really?
Let me just a careful type of person who doesn't like to induce pain or things that could make
me unhappy in my life.
So, yes, I agree.
But sometimes I'm unhappy and I don't want pain or anything, so to be number unconscious
is an easier place to be, right?
Can I use your mind?
If you can, you'd be a miracle worker.
I'm a mess.
Spare a minute to use your mind.
Go ahead.
Wouldn't it be weird if, like, I'm going to be 67 this year?
Me too.
And I've been going to be 65.
Oh, next.
You born in 55?
56, January.
I'm born in 55.
What year?
November.
So we're two months apart.
We're two months apart.
But wouldn't it be weird if...
We could have almost crawled out of the same womb. Yes.
Thank God we didn't.
We poor woman for two months.
Yes.
I don't want to share a pussy with you.
But the point that I'm making is that for 66 years, I have suffered and I'm medicated
and I go to therapy and I've talked to a psychiatrist.
Wouldn't it be weird if I was totally cured cured like right now on your podcast by you?
Well, now that we've built it up this way,
I realize it's really not that impressive,
but it's kind of impressive.
What were you gonna say?
The Queen of England?
96.
Yes.
Jane made it.
C-1.
COVID.
Well, it's not the fear of COVID.
Oh, it's not the fear. COVID. Oh, it's not the fear.
You know, it's the fear, well, it was,
you see, I have fear of just getting,
I got COVID, by the way.
And I'm here.
Everyone has COVID.
Yeah, I do, this is my second day,
this is the second day I have been negative.
You know, I was, I was, I was,
I was positive.
And you kept the booking. And a man of honor. the second day I have been negative. You know, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was positive.
And you kept the booking and a man of honor.
Yeah, but I've been, I was positive for like three weeks,
but I wasn't that, but just recently.
Yeah, right.
Cause it, it's not that.
I don't like, it's the, so OCD,
right.
A obsessive compulsive disorder is just this,
when you are cognizant of the fact that your thoughts
and your fears are not making sense, but you can't stop that thought or that fear, and
it becomes repetitive so much so that you have to, it stops your life. See, I know that
shaking somebody's hand. Right. It's a kind of exquisite torture
when you're one half of your brain knows something,
but the other half can't follow it, right?
Or can follow it, but you can't do anything about it.
Like, I can say in the midst of any of these things,
I can go, this is fucking nuts.
This is fucking, and that drives you.
I understand I've used this analogy
before, but how it used was a,
Yes, I brought him up in that same editorial
where I brought you up, it was a very intelligent man
who ended his final years,
the lone in a room naked pissing into bottles, right?
I can't tell you how close I am to that
every waking moment of my life.
And the thing about it was one of the many things
that I talk about and I have throughout the years
is germphobia is not the biggest issue I have.
It is repetitive thoughts and rituals
and things that just stop me.
But sometimes like anybody else,
if you shake somebody's hand and you feel it's a little bit,
so you go, oh, it's a little clammy.
And then you can move on in your life.
I go, it's a little bit clammy,
and I go, I'm gonna go wash my hands.
And then I go wash my hands and I go, you know,
I didn't, I didn't, I don't think I got everything.
And then I gotta go back and I go back and I go back.
And I could spend hours just, and at the same time,
simultaneously, I'm going, are you fucking nuts?
Nothing's going to happen to you, Howie.
And even if you did get a cold from this person, what the fuck are you going to do?
Get out of the bathroom, stop screaming at everybody, stop locking yourself away.
And I don't have the power to stop myself.
And therein lies the rub.
Yeah, that's kind of a torture. So what happened during COVID was there was
some comfort in, you know, ever been making fun of the fact that I, that I, you know, fist bump,
there was some comfort in my world going, howie, don't worry about it, howie, the queen, she's fine,
howie, nobody is sick to win the whole world shut down.
Misery doesn't love company. And I was in the most miserable place in the world. And it was this
nightmare that I couldn't get out of. And the only way that I could possibly shut down was just to
blackout. What do you think plants such a thing in your brain? Where does it begin? You're right from the beginning with you?
Like, why? Why?
I think what got in your brain?
I'll tell you. I know exactly what got in my brain.
Really? Yes.
And what?
OCD. I'll tell you.
OCD is, you know, the inability to...
It's like a skipping record, right?
Regardless of what the thought.
Somebody has to walk in a door.
They have to tap the door three times
and they can't walk into a room.
They tap at three times.
My germaphobia, I had OCD,
but how it was gonna affect me was molded by when I was five years old.
I was in Miami and I was sitting on the beach and I got bit by a sandflot.
And the sandflot laid its larva in my hand.
I didn't know this.
And I had like these mosquito bites when I went home.
And they were really itchy.
I remember being a little kid and I would scratch the mosquito bite
and then I'd watch the mosquito bite crawl away under my arm.
And then all over my body, I had these things growing under my skin,
and they would scratch away.
So my mom took me to a dermatologist.
The dermatologist went fucking nuts.
He goes, this is great.
And we're having an international dermatology convention
this week.
Can I bring your son?
And they brought me, I'll never forget this.
They brought me, I've probably five or six years old.
They brought me and I'm sitting in, it was kind of like, I'll never forget this, they brought me, I've probably five or six years old, they brought me and I'm sitting in,
it was kind of like, I guess it was a theater
and they put me on a gurney,
they tied me down to the gurney,
they took off my clothes,
I'm standing there lying there in my tidy whiteies.
And the guy explains that we haven't seen this
in humans before.
This is cattle, get this disease,
where sams lives lay their larva under the skin.
And people are asking questions,
what do you think you're gonna do?
He says, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get rid of them with liquid nitrogen.
And they brought in a tank.
Liquid nitrogen is like dry ice.
It's like crazy cold.
I have no, I'm not a science major,
but they freeze it, but essentially they burn it.
I had no anesthesia or anything, and he starts dropping the liquid nitrogen on these bumps.
And I remember a blood curdling scream, and I look at my skin, it was sizzling, and these
larva bumps were bubbling up, and they were blistering. Like he was burning me alive.
My mother screamed, ran up, ripped off the, they had me tied down so I wouldn't move under
this thing, took me to the car and took me home and it wouldn't take me to the doctor.
And then every night what my mom would do, we would pick one, and she took a dry, rough cloth.
Every night, at first, it started really good.
You know, it felt good, and she would rub it and rub it and rub it and rub it until my
skin would break and bleed, and the eggs, the larva, would come out.
And over the, it took a year to get them all, we would do one a night, and they were all
gone.
From that time on, I never wanted to touch anything, and that's embedded in my mind.
I don't want to touch anything after hearing that story.
Sorry.
I know.
It's just funny.
It's so harrowing.
It's so traumatic.
Well, and also, yes, it's...
Honestly, it's traumatic just listening to it,
because you realize that the littlest thing
that you could not in any way prevent.
So as a control freak, this makes my alarm bell school off
because I guess I could prevent this
if I just never went on a beach,
but that's not gonna happen.
I go on beaches, you know?
But it didn't have to be sand crabs or whatever it was.
It could be anything that could happen tomorrow.
But I think the PTSD of it all is the fact
and maybe triggering my OCD is the fact that if I shake your hand
and I feel a little bit of sweat,
then my mind goes to, there is something in my skin.
There's something on my skin.
There's something foreign there.
It's going to get in there.
And it's kind of like if you go to war, if somebody slams a door, it's not a gunshot.
But again, I think this is still we're describing this phenomenon of one part of your brain.
Right. Understand. It's the discussion we're having. And the other part, the lizard part,
shall we call it?
Yes, you know.
And I'm just wondering if there's a way to hypnotize you
or something so-
We've tried everything.
I've tried everything I've tried to know.
I'm sure you have, of course.
And I've gone everywhere.
You know, that saying of ignorance being bliss is,
it's true.
Right.
I wish I was ignorant.
I wish I wasn't aware of who was at last.
Right.
I wish I didn't understand what happened to me when I was a child.
I wish and I do suffer.
So when I hear you on television saying, we don't want this happening to other people.
Right.
And the reference is the how he manned out.
We don't want to raise that.
And I feel this way, like when I have grandchildren now.
And I was concerned. What, what do you mean?
This is depressing that my friends now have grandchildren.
I've had grandchildren for a year.
I've been married for 42 years.
Me too.
No, you have.
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You know, as a kid, I always dreamed that when they had grown up and I'd be invited
into these, I'd go, I'd have money and I'd be able to go into these clubs
and into these places and see these places.
I never dreamed that I would know somebody
that builds these places in his own backyard.
I certainly didn't build this.
I, this place.
But you have it.
I have it.
But I mean, it's not that impressive.
It's just cool.
But look at it, it's a little rat-scaler.
People call it a man cave.
It's not a man cave.
Man cave is, is for married guys. I don't know who you're singing bass on the wall. But look, it's a little rat-skiller. People call it a man cave. It's not a man cave.
Man cave is for married guys.
I don't know who you're singing bass on the wall.
I'm telling you that you're a whole little nightclub
and everybody's going, wow, and you have it.
I'm not gonna give away where you live,
but there are acres out there.
You have gardens.
You have, explain to me the, yeah.
No, I'm telling you.
You have a trampoline. I do have a trampoline. So what a trampoline is very good for your health the lymph system the lymph system
Are you're fucking with me? I am not fucking with you. In fact, you know, image
I'm not high, but the image of you alone on jumping up down on the trampoline is really I do and I want to laugh
I'm laughing on the end. I do it every day and this is the kind of thing that we can go.
Going on a trampoline.
Alone on a trampoline.
The Bill Mar story.
My career, my career, I haven't even happened down.
I haven't even happened down, up and down.
But you're just standing there, not smiling.
Nobody's there.
And first of all, it's good for the limp.
It's fun.
It's fun.
And you know, this is the kind of thing.
I am healthier than most people in this country
who like you laugh at me when I say things like that.
Oh, you're so funny.
I find it so interesting, body positivity,
obesity, the most unhealthy thing you can do.
But that's body positivity.
But if you like live very healthy, you're a health nut.
Aaron Rodgers, he's a nut, Kyrie Irving, nut,
Jokovic. These are nuts,
but they're not nuts. And there is a very good reason why you would want to stimulate your
lymph gland on a trampoline, because unlike the heart, the lymph does not have a pump.
And that motion is very good, and lymph gland gets rid of toxic material. Maybe there is an answer to your problem that involves alternative thinking to just the,
maybe there's a physical part of it, maybe it involves the lymph gland.
Maybe if you got on that trampoline, we would be having a completely different discussion.
I mean, can I jump on it later?
No, I wish I had jumped on this idea.
I really have.
That's what you should jump on.
It's so weird.
Like everything you're saying makes so much sense.
It does.
But I saw that on the outside.
I have to tell you that it went from a ridiculous image
that I couldn't get out of my head to, you just sold me.
I mean, the whole first home now, and I'm going to get a trampoline.
And I'm going to go, honey, I mean, that.
Absolutely.
Are you being serious?
I am totally being serious.
I'm not being serious.
Are you fucking with me?
I'm not fucking with you.
The trampoline, it's, look at it up on your head.
Get your magic light box and Google it.
It's, I'm gonna continue. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no would, you know, I'd probably, so people, because I asked everybody,
what is that trampoline?
They didn't know.
Nobody said he does that for himself.
But even if I just wanted to have it
for Jimmy Kimmel to come over with the girls on trampoline,
then it makes sense.
Then I wouldn't even laugh at that.
That is, the fact that you are going,
you know, I can't do the meeting now.
I got a half hour of jumping to do.
It's not a, or a group dance. I now. I got a half hour of jumping to do. It's not a...
It takes like a minute.
One minute of jumping at that.
Yes, that would be far.
Trampoline lymph.
I think...
I think if you...
If it Googled trampoline...
Trampoline lymphatic system.
There you go.
Are you being...
Bounce away lymphedema...
lymphatic trampoline.
And the health...
Perfect for seniors,
old people should be on trampolines.
Yes, everybody should.
Look at this, the benefits of the Belicon mini trampoline,
weight control, back pain, osteoporosis.
I was making cardio, the immune system,
but diet isn't even important.
But we got a bounce to health.
Yeah. Everything is important.
But this certainly, you never, see, here's the thing.
You never know exactly because my big theme of medicine
is that everyone overestimates how far we are along
in understanding the human body.
My view is that we're at the infancy.
Just because we aren't as dumb as we were 100 years ago,
we were just painfully dumb then.
And now we're just, not, we're very dumb.
So you think we're all gonna die
and you're gonna be on your trampoline alone?
No, I don't think I can prevent my death either.
But I'm just saying, as long as they can't figure your shit out,
they can't figure cancer out.
There's lots of stuff they haven't figured out.
I'm not saying, hey, you dummies, why don't you get on it?
I can't even approach the problem.
It's not my area.
I know about that. Did your doctor tell you to do that?
It's not that hard to find information like that.
But I would never put lymphatic system and trampoline
in the same search.
No, but if you, as I read one book on alternative medicine, you would have come across that.
Really?
Yes.
The trampoline, because I do read. It's a major part of like, I'm not made, yes, but it's something that every, I've read
it a million times in books that are talking about, how can we get away from the pharmaceutical
approach where everything is handled with either pharmaceutical or surgery.
How can we keep ourselves healthy
so we don't need these heroic incursions later in life?
And at some point, it's always just been the trampoline.
It's...
Don't put the fact that it was there
and we didn't know, the cure.
But I love the way you keep making this a great sketch
by coming back to that.
You're right, that's exactly how you make this
a great sketch.
You just keep coming back to every time I get old.
Oh, you might eat your...
That's the fucking point.
So you're, you're, you read it, it's real,
but you're still okay with mocking it,
because underneath you're the comedian,
and you see, this is the comedic route.
But they said like, that's what comes in.
That's what comes in. It's true, but the premise is too good.
Right, but a sense of humor is that you can sense the humor
in everything, in the darkness, in the reality,
in information, and my approach is always humor.
Okay.
Always.
And sometimes it gets me in trouble because then you have a great sense of humor,
the person that I'm talking to thinks that I'm belittling the idea.
Now, let's talk about how good it is to put vegetables in your head.
To that one I'm getting.
I just thought as long as I was going to go away.
I was going to go away.
I've got you going.
You put a carrot in your ass because hindsight is 20-20.
Oh, you didn't just make that up.
I've never put a character in this.
Oh, that's such an amazing joke, though.
Oh, thank you.
Hindsight S is 2020.
No, you're explaining it to me.
I mean, I just said it.
I know, but like, that's like you think that would take me to the room.
I don't, I like to.
That's a great joke.
I'm not, I'm not so funny around the house.
I heard up my ass because Hindsight, you time said, that's one of those really like,
who would call me now?
Certainly.
Who is certainly, I'm gonna, I don't know who it is.
I know who it is.
It's the people who make trampolines.
I gave them your number.
I know that I think as much as I'm making fun of this,
you know that I'm gonna have a trampoline in my backyard
tomorrow.
I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I'm looking for, that I'm going to have a trampoline in my backyard tomorrow. I'm so neurotic about looking for and I'm open to anything. I'm open to almost any.
Am I saying this is going to cure you? Of course not. But one less thing that I'm not going
to worry about my lymphatic system. Your lymphatic system is so important. I know. And people
don't, people underplay on lymphatic system. In fact, when they say how are you,
when the average person comes up to you and says,
how are you, they're not even concerned about just fatics.
I want you to come calling.
Can't you, do you know how to turn it on?
No, I don't know how to, there it is.
That's the problem.
People don't have to turn their front.
Okay.
But I had it on because you weren't here when this started.
I was like right on time, wasn't it?
No, no. No, you had people, this is your house. Okay. weren't here when this started. I was like right on time, wasn't it?
No, no.
No, you had people.
This is your house.
Okay.
And I heard people yelling outside.
So you have Bill?
Okay.
Does anybody have Bill?
So Mike went 10 minutes over, 10 minutes.
This is Chauvin's.
That's not that bad.
No, I don't mind waiting.
And then I was five minutes, well, you know, I was neurotic.
I thought it was a joke on me.
I was sitting here.
There's cameras.
There's lights. I thought you was a joke on me. I was sitting here, there's cameras, there's lights.
I thought you were gonna do something to me.
I felt I was gonna be left alone.
I always feel like there's a joke on me.
Well, I always feel like people are fucking with me.
Is that right?
I do.
I do.
Of course, you thought I was with the limp thing.
I always think it.
I didn't have a friend in the world as a kid.
And I just think that people were always there. either fucking with me or they're yelling at me or they're mad at me.
But howie, I have like, even if I was a bad person, I have so no reason to fuck with you.
Nor would I, out of respect. Even if, even if I didn't think you were a tremendous talent. And you know, like we started
around the same time. We did. And you know, there's 79. I started 77. But we're the same
age. So it was made for the same thing. And like, you know, it's a little like being in
the army where you go into battle and a lot of guys get killed. Right. And, you know,
we're like two guys who made it through the battle
Not that we're just heading into it now. No, I mean the battle of like show business
I feel like we're just heading into a battle. Well, we're both doing fine. We were
We're still working. That's what I mean. We're in show business. We're communicating right we succeeded. Yeah, we could afford afford a job. Okay. Well, a lot of guys didn't. I'm just saying it's so up. Well, you know,
there's a million reasons why it does it doesn't have an a lot of it is luck. Sometimes you're just lucky
and there are some very talented people who just were sort of in the wrong error or the wrong place
at the wrong time. And then where did they go? They stopped. Well, they did something else, but they put it.
That's stopped.
You didn't stop.
Well, don't you think that's what it is?
I always think the difference between somebody who is.
Come on, I'm trying to be nice to the losers.
No, I'm kidding.
But I'm thinking, no, but it's true.
Luck is an element.
It is absolutely an element.
Everything we do.
The fact that you cross the street
and you don't get hit by a car is luck.
Well, you know, it's a complete luck, fluke, wealth.
Like what makes a person wealthy?
Very wealthy, you talk about financially?
Yes.
Like, you think that's luck?
Well, I don't.
If you're born with rich parents, that's luck.
That's how you're born.
If you can throw a baseball 100 miles an hour,
you can make a lot of money.
That would not have made you a lot of money in 1780.
That was lucky.
You're right.
You're born in the right time.
It's fluke.
I mean, look at us.
We did very well.
But isn't it?
Why?
Because why?
We are jokesters.
You know?
You know what?
Yes.
Well, there was a time when that would not have paid very well.
But you know what it, but here's what I always say about success is most people in life,
our philosophy in life, I always talk about this.
You know what hump day, you always hear them advertise hump day.
Well, here at this color brand, then I would imagine that's every other day when you're
not on the trampoline.
But the connotation is Wednesday, you're halfway through a week of doing, of trotting along
in this shit hole of a job, doing what you don't want to do.
To maybe, hopefully, the brightest spot is to get to the weekend, to just not do the shit
you don't want to do, but not do anything.
Nobody, most people don't wake up in the morning, excited about something to do.
Even if that's something, it's even a stamp collection.
Nobody has passion about anything.
Most people don't.
You're supposed to go to school, you get a job, you pay the rent, you get married, you have
kids, it's not fun.
That's what you do.
That's the difference between a job and a career.
Right.
A job, you don't enjoy it, you're just doing it, a career.
But it doesn't even have to be a career.
I swear to you, I swear to you that I would be, don't sound like a happy guy, but I feel
happy.
There are portions of my life that are very satisfying, and one of them is comedy.
And when I found comedy by accident, April 19, 1977,
Yuck-Yuck's in Toronto, I got dare to go on that stage.
And I had never been on stage before.
I didn't aspire to be a comedian.
I didn't aspire to be in show business.
I didn't want to do it.
I also have ADHD, one of the effects of ADHD is you don't think of ramifications, you just
act out or react to.
And I said, okay, and thinking that the joke would be, I didn't prepare, thinking the joke
would be, they'd go, ladies and gentlemen, how do you handle it?
And my two people that I knew in the audience would laugh that I got introduced.
Why the fuck am I being introduced?
I'm not a comic.
And I went on stage, they went,
ladies and gentlemen, how are you, Nadella?
And I walked out the stage and then I realized
there's no, there's not a joke.
And I'm standing there by the mic
and I see the lights and terror just dripped through me.
And it was just terrifying.
I'm looking at all these strangers
and I started going, and if you look at all my old YouTube videos,
you look at all, I started going,
oh, okay, all right, okay, all right, what?
Oh, okay, okay, okay, and my fear,
people started giggling at my fear.
So that was, that's me.
The origin of everything.
And I'm going, okay, okay, okay,
and they started giggling at my fear,
and then I started going, what, what, okay, all right, all right.
And I put my hands in my pocket, and in my pocket, I had rubber gloves because I,
if I'm out in public.
The first time?
Yeah, the rubber gloves.
Because I go to public bathrooms, I didn't want to touch anything.
Whoa!
So, of course!
Yes, that's right.
I take a rubber glove, I don't know what to do.
That was all making sense.
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
And I just pulled it over my head, I couldn't think of what to do.
I just want to fucking die, I want it to hide, and I pull it over my nose, and couldn't think of what to do. I just want to fucking die. I wanted to hide and I pulled it over my nose
and I'm breathing.
The fingers are going up and the audience is going crazy.
And I pop it off.
I blow it up and I pop it off my head
and I heard them all applauding.
I went, good night.
And I ran and Mark Brezzlin, who owns the club,
says you've got to come back tomorrow night
and I go to do what?
He goes, do what you did.
And I go, what the fuck did I do? He goes, no, it's great. And I started to do what? He goes, do what you did. And I go, what the fuck did I do?
He goes, no, it's great.
And I started going there.
And it was the first time in my life
where I got enveloped by, you know,
I felt, I never felt a room full of people
like enjoying my presence.
I never felt like just to be enveloped in laughter and joy.
And I promise you, if I was a janitor today,
if one time a week I could go show up at a club
and be embraced by an audience,
to me, I don't care about that.
And notoriety or how much money I have.
Laughter doesn't have to physically touch you.
That's why it's great for you.
It really is.
It is.
It doesn't touch me without a crush.
Of course.
But not physically.
You're right.
I never even thought of that.
That's it.
So that was, that's like this visceral embrace
that I've always, I'm looking for.
And now.
That's your breakthrough.
It is.
I'm sorry, our time's up.
No, and now it's harder than ever.
Now, and I swear to you, I want to be once a week,
but now I have a fear.
But the party of brain, it can still fucking think.
I mean, it must recognize that you, you know,
have stayed on television for, I mean,
the American public doesn't keep people around on TV in various
forms for decades unless they like them.
They just like them.
But I think, you might disagree with me.
They even like me.
I don't.
They love you so far.
The taste can go.
But it's because you enjoy what you do.
Of course.
And you're incredibly authentic to what you do.
And you're not a people pleaser as much as your bill pleaser.
And it just so happens.
Which makes me a people pleaser, right?
To the right people.
Right.
But people can smell the wrong people.
But there's always more people that don't like, you know,
I've told the story so many times.
I don't care about them.
The people that I like you.
But I become aware, you know.
You can't.
In the 80s when I hit hard. I mean, you'll piss off the people that do like you. But I become aware, you know, in the 80s when I hit hard.
Because then you'll piss off the people who do like you.
Right, but, but, you know, I tell the story many times when I,
when I finally, when I hit after I did my first HBO special,
I sold out Radio City music called Two Shows in One Night.
Wow.
In the 80s.
Yes, I remember with your sensation.
I was, not anymore, but I was.
No, no, no, no. Now you're, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, or wherever the radio city is in between shows and 7,000 people were coming in and I'm in the dressing room
and my wife and I are looking out the window and Manhattan
and there's 14,000 people in the street going in and out.
There's stanchions and there's cops and there's,
and my wife goes, this is all for you, this is all for you.
What are you thinking?
What are you thinking?
I mean, this is not even a dream you had.
It was just years ago, like, at that time, it was like seven or eight years ago,
you were a goof buff selling carpet in Toronto, like what are you thinking? And I said, if you
want to be honest, this is what I'm thinking, that this is a city of 10 million and 9,886,000
people don't give a fuck on here. Well, that is certainly looking at the bong as half empty.
Yes, it is.
But I'm always gonna get the bong.
Okay, but there's always more people
that don't agree with you, that don't like you,
and I rest on that.
I was not dwell on that.
That's great, Craig.
Okay, you need the trampoline.
I'm not a happy guy.
But let me ask you this, that that moment,
when you're at the Paramount Theater, like
Frank Sinatra, and you look out the window and they're all the Bobby Soxers lined up around
the block to see you. Maybe I'm mixing these two stories up. But I know you're in a hotel,
I know you're looking down on people. Not in a bad way, just from a measure.
Just a general. Right. And they're all there to see you. And you're, you said you were there
with your wife. On Heart of Hearts, did you think,
oh boy, I wish I was single right now,
because, I mean, you know.
No, I'll tell you, I'll tell you this is a,
you're not gonna believe this.
You're not gonna believe this.
You're not gonna believe this.
The germs, groupies have germs.
I thought that.
I thought that, but you know, you know what,
I know something, I've never been able to...
Get an erection.
That's a great game, Joe.
Just finish my sentences.
No, I didn't want to fuck anybody
that wanted to fuck me because I'm successful.
Oh, you definitely need my therapy.
Yeah, you're not gonna have to come twice a week.
I will.
But I didn't, you know, you know, I just wanted people to like me.
I just want to be, I want somebody to like me.
I don't want somebody to, to, you know what?
To want to fuck me because they saw me on TV acting like an idiot,
putting a glove on my head.
That's never been, I really crave people to like me.
Does that sound really weird?
No, that's common in show business.
I mean, I crave that every what nobody would be on this stage unless they crave people
to like them.
It depends on what you do with that, if it's like this.
I don't want to, but why would I wanna fuck somebody
just because they saw me on TV?
I don't know, but it's a very popular thing to do.
I can't.
Here in California.
I can't get, just in the world over.
I mean, people, come on.
I don't think this is about me.
When people enjoy me,
when I say fuck somebody just because they see a TV,
it's not only you.
You're not the only thing.
You made it about you.
No, I didn't.
I was, look, when men, you know, men, they're just scallow eggs.
And so, you know, you're a pirate.
I haven't heard that term, Scally Wags.
Well, I was trying to, you know, rape and pillage.
You know what, Harry, a lot of children watch this podcast. I want to complete it up for the men are scallywags.
They are.
And all of them should have to get it.
So, you know, so when they are presented with temptation from the opposite sex or today
the same sex, trans sex, I don't know, Whatever sex people on this pot, whatever sex is tempting to you.
You know, they have a predilection
through a history of being weak.
Weak.
There weak.
I can't be in horny and just wanna,
weak.
Fuck, I get that.
But there's something about,
you know, I feel, I don't wanna feel that.
Now I sound like a, I don't wanna be used. You don't wanna be used. I don't wanna to be I don't want to be used you don't
want to be used I don't want to be used I want you to like me if you're gonna
fuck me I don't mind being used just put me back where you from that's my
policy is a weird I've used very old-fashioned I guess I'm not a Scaliwag I
thought have you ever used that outside of this like have you ever said that
just really serious to somebody or you know that day that Dave is such a Scaliwag from, have you ever used that outside of this, like have you ever said that,
just really serious to somebody,
or you know, Dave.
That Dave is such a Scalliwag.
Well, you're saying, I think it's Scalliwag.
Well, I was excited,
I did this first time I've heard it in a long time.
It's Scalliwag?
I don't know.
I think Scalliwag is what it is.
I don't even know what it is,
and we could be canceled tomorrow for saying it.
We could be, I have no idea.
The people of Scalliwag.
Today's not Mr. Beer.
You want me to Google that?
I've Googled a...
No.
Okay.
No, no, no.
I don't see you often.
No phones.
No, I know, but the point is that I've never...
Well, fine, no.
The fact that I've spent this much time with you, I've never had to Google so much stuff.
Lymphatic system on these trampoline and a scallywag. And then if you look
if my wife looks through my history of what a scallywag in Lymphatic, I was at bills. I was
at bills. Why do you have trampolines in phatic system and scallywag? Mar, it's mar.
If that is the worst thing she finds on your phone, she's a very lucky woman because
you know, husbands have horrible things on their browser history.
I mean, that's a...
I don't have horrible things.
No, you never said that, like, you're single guy,
I wanna know, have you ever taken a dick pic?
No.
No, I can't imagine, like, if I'm not single or anything,
but I can't even imagine, like,
cause I'm so, I live so much, I'm sorry myself,
I can't imagine just the, like, so I don't know with,
like I would know, I'd light it.
I don't know how to, like where do you,
I don't know.
Is my, like, how do you even do that?
I'd have to hold it farther away, but that's just me.
So I see what you did.
But no, I, by the time they had dick pics on the phone, I was already old enough to know
this is a stupid idea.
And first of all, I don't think there's any woman in the world who ever wants for almost
any reason to get a dick pic.
What the hell are you saying?
I can't imagine.
It's obvious to people who are older, but I guess when you're in your 20s, you think this
is going to be just a winner.
And it's just, it's amazing,
you could be that stupid, but I know people
in their 20s are that stupid.
And people will be there in their 20s.
And they're older than their 20s, absolutely.
But not certainly by the time the phone was around,
I just wouldn't be, that's just who I am.
I don't understand.
It's just a gross imposition kind of a thing to do.
And it's eagle maniacal.
And if you want someone to see it in person, don't send the picture.
It's just hard to bring it.
It's a fundamental miscalculation of your core audience, which is women.
That is your core audience you're trying to reach.
It is a fundamental miscalculation.
And I think that of how that is going to be received.
But don't you think that the thought is this,
the thought is I want her to see my penis.
No, no, no, no.
But I just, that's what I want.
Right.
But I know here I have more control over lighting and angles.
Right.
To bring like if you know you're going to drop your pants, you don't have to set up lighting, you don. So to bring, like, if you know you're gonna drop your pants,
you don't have to set up lighting,
you don't have to change the lens,
you don't have to do that.
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Did you know HBO Max had podcasts?
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I don't understand the whole, this whole, this makes me feel old.
I don't understand the whole, this whole, this makes me feel old. I don't understand pictures anyway.
I mean, I don't understand the internet.
Like everybody's taking, you go into a restaurant, they serve food, and you could look at any other
table, and they're taking pictures of their salad.
You know, all this time, when things were served to me, years and years ago, when people didn't
have on the phone,
I'd never heard anybody at the table going, oh my god, does anybody have a job?
I mean, that's a millennial cliche. I think there was a time when they did that more.
I think it became such a joke that they don't do it as much anymore, but I mean,
but it's every picture. You're bigger.
Every picture. Selfies. Everything.
Of course. No, every, but sweetheart, it is not just millennials.
I mean, sweetheart?
Sweetheart?
Where do you get these?
I'm not even calm.
I mean, like everybody does it.
People are age, do the same thing.
They always need a picture.
No.
Yes, I know plenty of people like that.
You know, that's the thing I hate most. I don't like my picture taken. No, I'd ever... Yes, I blow plenty of people like that. You know, that's the thing I hate most.
I don't like my picture taken.
No, I don't either.
It's personal, it's unnecessary.
I can remember this role.
I have a memory, you know?
But who stands in front of the Eiffel Tower,
just still, and smiles.
Like, why does that...
What are you capturing?
Really, you don't do that in life.
You know, it bugs me as they tell the audience many times
before when I'm doing stand-up on the road and the theater don't take pictures. And then
you walk out and the, there's people taking pictures. I mean, it's like, of course, I hate
that with even that they record. I don't do it. And recording would be even more outrageous
because that's your house. Do you put yours in the, no, no, put it in a bag? Yeah.
No. No, that company doesn't he?
Yonder.
I think he's an investor in that company.
Well, I mean, that to me is too much of an infosition on my audience to make them put
their own.
Are you scared now?
Do you understand now?
No, but you know what, I was always one of the more controversial type of things.
That's why I'm asking you.
No, I mean, like, look, you can't go through what I do scared.
But do you not feel that, because I got to tell you
from the Academy Awards to what happened with
Chappelle at the Hollywood Bowl, I'm rocked.
And I'm rocked to the core in the,
you know, I'm a scared person as it is anyway.
And I worry anyway.
You don't know who's out there.
And you're a trigger even more.
Yeah, no.
And I think violence triggers violence.
That's a trigger.
I can see that's a triggering thing for you.
You don't think now that there has been a, you know.
I mean, there's this, I don't know,
there's like a dam has been busted or cracked.
Yes, I talked about it when Will Smith did it before this.
You know, I mean, that this war on jokes must end. But, but even if it's a war on jokes, it was cancel culture.
Now it is. I can beat no shit out of you guy because I don't like the joke. Yeah. I told somebody
today when we got into the business in the seventh, the worst thing that would happen was
somebody wouldn't laugh.
You might get heckled.
Somebody will get up and walk out.
Somebody will come up to you after the show and go,
what the fuck you saying that about my wife?
You know, open for a rock band.
You could have stuff thrown at you.
To get you off the stage.
Right.
It was more of a harmful, you know, soft beer bottles.
And now it's right in your face.
Yeah. And, but the right in your face. Yeah.
And, but the, I mean, the fundamental problem there, I think,
is that the younger generation does not understand free speech.
They were not taught free speech.
They are so fucking spoiled and entitled to them,
not having a moment discomfort
with something that they don't agree with
or that they find defensive or something.
That's so supersedes what we think.
But it's not only the young generation.
It's the most important thing, which is free speech.
Well, you know, you wanna know,
I think you spoke about this many years ago.
I did, many years ago.
And I think it's before we were all woke,
I stopped going to colleges.
Because, but you would think, when we started in the business, you wanted to colleges. Oh, yes.
But you would think when we started in the business,
you wanted to play the college.
And I did.
In the 90s.
And so did I.
And through the 80s, I get a tour with Mike Binder
and...
I did.
To their showmen, I'd go to the Fred party.
Right.
Like, what the college kids.
Right.
It was amazing.
And I would tour every college.
And then it was, I think it was in 90s,
when like the late 90s, when it started,
they were the first group that said,
you know, you can't, I can't remember what it was,
but you can't refer, whatever we were referring to,
whatever our culture was, whatever,
they were the first,
well, they, I mean, everybody stopped playing.
Even clean comics. No, yeah, it was just a tough place. Well,, they, I mean, everybody stopped playing even clean comics.
No, yeah, it was just a tough place.
Well, they just, but that, that, that, if that kind of seeped out into our whole world.
Yeah, a little bit.
That, a little bit.
Right.
People are getting knocked down because you can't say this.
You can't say anything about somebody without a piece of, you can't say anything about.
I've been banging this drum for a long shot. You can't say anything about.
I've been banging this drum for a long time.
Right, but you know, that is...
There are people who will literally take this side
that, oh, come on, there isn't really cancel culture.
Really? Just among comedians.
I mean, our dear departed, recently departed friend,
Gilbert Godfrey.
Oh my God, he got canceled for a joke on Twitter.
Many jokes.
But that's who he was.
But that's what comedy is.
Comedy is about the promotion.
I could go through it, Louis.
I mean, there's a long list, Rosanne.
Now, I'm not talking about, I'm talking about just, and there's a smaller list, but still a Z's of people
who are canceled, not even for behavior,
just because they were accused.
Well, or just we don't like the joke.
You know, Kathy Griffin, we don't like that joke.
I mean, that was from the right, right.
But I talk about this all the time.
You know, one of the highlights of my entire career
was coming out here in
you said you started in 79, were you out here? No, New York. Okay, so I was out here in 79 or 78,
and Richard Pryor was going on at the comedy store every night, cobbling together. Yeah.
Live at the Sunset's River, which are the seminal. Yeah. He kind of taught me, I hold them in such reverence. I watched him every night,
because I've never seen anybody really work an entire act from day one. And at that time,
you know, the context is different. You know, he was talking about Christ, and he was talking
about drug use, and he was talking about, he was standing on stage bandaged from being burned from, from, from, oh, so it was free-basing.
Right.
No, but, and he started making jokes about that and people were uncomfortable about that.
And I watched him go over the line and back and over the line and back, but it was the
safety of the comedy club.
And people understood that it was in the context of him. So go ahead.
When you say over the line, when he shot it as a movie, right?
Right.
Did he reel that back in?
In other words, he edited out what he saw as over the line.
He edited out what was a line even for him that was too far.
I don't know if it was too far as far as just didn't get a laugh.
It didn't work.
And my analogy to this is, you know, it's an art form, the ability to kind of cobble together
words and thoughts to touch other people's.
That's my story and I'm sticking with it.
Right.
And if you kind of use the analogy, the way painting is an art form, you need to take that canvas and you need to splash it with black.
And with that black, you go, that's a little dark. I'm going to shade this and put this in.
And then you create a whole picture. But if you're telling us we can't use the black paint, because that's too dark and that's too far, how do I shade?
How do I get to the point where there's humor? They're taking away our brushes,
they're taking away our colors,
they're taking away, there is really in comedy.
There's no such thing as too soon.
There's no such thing as too far.
Here, here.
No, but that's what,
if you think of what we're saying,
it's a sense of humor.
If you gotta find humor,
and if you look at the two masks
that are comedy and tragedy,
there's
really no difference.
One has an upside down smile and you have to find, and if you laugh, even if you're a kid,
if you laugh, you go to the circus and you laugh and you take your kid and you laugh at
a clown falling down.
What are you laughing at?
You're laughing at the misfortune of somebody you don't know with paint on their face,
and maybe fell in hurt themselves.
If you're telling a joke, the easiest joke, two guys walking a bar, it's not a joke,
unless something horrible happens to one of them, something embarrassing happens.
All jokes come out of darkness.
Yes.
That's where humor is most.
Yes.
And every joke, you talk about an embarrassing moment, you talk about how ridiculous something
is in the news, you talk about it's not out of nice, right?
Many jokes do come out of,
yes, joke come out of everything,
but I take your point.
You think there is no joke
rooted in just nice sunset.
I give.
There isn't.
I think I'm sure you could find something
because you could find humor in anything.
A pun is not rooted in darkness.
It's just rooted in two words sound alike.
Anyway.
Okay, but it's a, so I think it's a minor point.
I take your point, life sucks,
which is always your point.
It is my point.
Okay.
And in those moments, as somebody who suffers constantly,
And in those moments, as somebody who suffers constantly,
that laughter and humor and finding that little path out has been my bridge to sanity.
You should hang out with millennials.
Why?
Because they're always sad too.
They're always like, you know, everything is anxiety.
And I mean, I'm telling you, you get along perfectly.
Why? You're a millennial in an older man's body.
There's too much going in, there's just too much.
So how often do you do stand up?
Never?
Ever. Now I'm afraid, I do it a lot.
I was up until COVID, I did up to 290 years.
200? I did.
What? I was.
100, 150. Whoa! I was always on the road.
My office is right at Van Ays airport, so I would take off every night and go and come back.
Come back. Yeah. No, this side of Mississippi. If it's that side of the Mississippi, then I'd
stay in New York. But I was doing day. I was like, that's, that's like, no, like, let, let,
let, let, let, that's a ball or move to like do it that way.
Why?
Again, not great for the environment, but like again.
Oh, you mean like private?
Yeah.
Well, I would say how you're doing it, you said you'd come back the same thing.
Yeah, right.
What it with the baller that I'm flying.
Oh, yeah.
It's the ability at this age.
You know, if I have to go through an airport,
we can connect it to the same way.
We can't.
I'm the same way. I'm the flights. We're in the same car. We're in the same car. That's bothering me.
I'm the same way.
Scala-wag.
I'm the same way.
But you fly.
I fly it.
Absolutely.
So what, I don't understand your point.
I'm just saying, never mind, it doesn't matter.
It's just, there's some guilt about it, but I'm over it.
I'm not guilty.
I'm not guilty about it.
I go there and hopefully make a bunch of people happy.
Exactly.
And I make myself happy and I'm able to.
Exactly.
But I don't want to do it so much anymore.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of.
But that's a crazy amount.
I never did it that much.
Well, now I'm probably down to 30.
Well, that's, I mean, that's their COVID.
I'm from your own longest time. I know I mean, after COVID, I'm from your
longest time. I know I'm like, see you. I'm always in Hawaii over Christmas. And I
see you. Yes, you got to, we got to do it together. One year. You know what, what do you
want to know? I would love to. You want to know what this really makes me sad. You know, it makes me
sad. Maybe I'll do it this year. Do Gilbert died. So you know, I want to know something.
Gilbert was booked for that game. That's why I'm saying that's what Do Gilbert died. So you want to know something? Gilbert was booked for that gig.
That's why I'm saying, that's what makes me sad.
Would you want to hear?
I was on the phone with him when he got in the ambulance.
I'm the last person to talk to Gilbert.
Oh.
And Dara called me.
That is, and that is fate.
I don't even believe it, but if I get them on the show,
that is fate.
Really?
Is there a camera?
I hope so, because I just did a take.
Okay, I'm just saying.
Dara called me when he went to the hospital
and he was in the hospital and they put him in
into an aduce coma and she called me and she said,
how, what do you think I should do?
Bill Maher's office just called me to make travel arrangements.
Yes.
We have been, this has been the light in our life.
This is the one thing that Gilbert has been looking forward to doing.
What should I do?
And I said to her, don't say, you don't know what tomorrow brings.
He could wake up, don't take that away.
Let him think about that.
And then two days later, he passed.
But that's what, you have no idea what joy you brought him.
Just by offering him that gig, he was so looking forward to it. I was so happy. I was so hard
break out of the bag. Guys, you've known for 40 years, but you don't really know. That's the other
before. Did you ever watch his documentary? Yes. Before I did the, but I knew him from 40 years
ago from bringing him up
a catchurizing star. Right. We started at the same club in the year. Yeah. That's right.
I brought him up every night, you know, and we would often, we would sit in the back of the room
and laugh our asses off, literalizing other people's acts. I mean, it was, it was cruel. It was
like a mockery of what we thought were comedians who were like not so great.
It was the best.
He was the best.
Right.
He could do their voices and he could do their acts.
So, you know, but over the years, I've never really had a human conversation with them.
It was all in comedics.
You know, it was all laugh.
We would do bits and, you know, it was all laugh. And we would do bits and, you know, right,
we would just fall right into like making each other laugh
by, but that was just your life.
It was a shorthand that comics know.
I don't have to set this up.
I can just go right to this and then you'll,
but he was, but I thought in Hawaii, maybe that's what would happen
that after 40 years.
I love you.
He wanted to do this show. And he was all dirty, he was married and had kids,
and maybe he and I would have a great conversation
like we're having now.
Or if it wasn't, and if it wasn't,
then we'd just still have a great thing
because he's historically funny.
There isn't anybody that I ever ever remember.
But he's dead, can you do it?
Yeah.
I feel like you're asking me to do the Affleck commercial.
I feel like this is one of those.
I don't know.
He got fired from Affleck.
He tried.
I don't want to take his job.
I don't.
But this is like one of those things.
I'll be there.
I'd love to jump up on stage.
You know, you do play every island.
We play Maui on the 30th, December 30th.
And then you do the Honolulu New Year's Eve.
Always at the same place, right?
Always at the same place.
I love you, then.
We can, let you decide we can fly back
after the show on New Year's and be home at 9 a.m. January 1st
or we can stay over because I think the plan.
I'm on a good reservation, I'm there. I'm already there. I think the plan. I'm already good reservations.
I'm there.
I'm already there.
I'm not playing.
I'm in Hawaii.
I'm always in Hawaii.
The last time I was in Hawaii, I always see.
Can I put your name on the bill?
Let me ask my give you money.
Maybe not.
Maybe not.
Maybe not what you're looking at.
No, it's not about money, but maybe I'll write off my jet there.
Oh, Wendy Liebman, who's fed to this guy.
Is she okay?
She was in a car accident.
She was booked five years ago and got in the car accident.
And couldn't do it that year.
And now I said, oh my god, you're gonna...
You're gonna turn five years ago.
She got hit by a car and he asked for it.
You put a cigarette on your...
You got her died.
And Sagitt did it two years ago.
And he's dead.
So no. No, I'm not
no. The only thing I'll do that's even close to you. I'm staying home this
Christmas on my fucking trampoline getting my lymphatic system as healthy as
possible. Are you fucking kidding me? I gotta go work on my day job. This is over.
This is it. What happened? You just leave but you don't tell But this is over. This is it. What happened? You just leave, but you don't
tell me this is over. And then I'm again, I started in the room alone. I'm gonna give you
a big wet sloppy. No, no, and don't call me sweetheart anymore. I feel like the way to
get over your issue is by just a queen. I know. I got so much weird information. You have
no idea. And it's another thing.
I have this incredible fun.
This was so much fun.
It really is.
I do love you.
I love you too.
And I think you're one of the brightest, funniest,
most charming human beings.
And do you know what I mean?
And bands are relationship like more in the last two.
Loving Scallywags with healthy lymphatic systems.
We didn't know.
We hope. Scallywags with healthy lymphatic systems. We didn't, we hold.
We do.
We do.
We're in your backyard, Gona.
There's nothing cool about this, Gona.
Two more minutes and those limbs fly out.
Not you, Poffing.
Because you made me laugh, fool.
Okay, thanks. It's been Dax Taka, Meena.
because you made me laugh for.
Okay, thanks, it's been Dax Tarkin' Meade.
Closing up.