Club Random with Bill Maher - Jack Osbourne | Club Random With Bill Maher
Episode Date: August 8, 2022Bill Maher and Jack Osbourne randomly riff about Jack’s true love of being married, where Jack met Bill before he got sober, the Congresswoman in a thruple, the best dating app strategy, Bill’s ap...preciation of Sharon Osbourne on Real Time, how many times Jack has seen Ozzy Osbourne in concert, how Jack used Religulous to save someone from religion, Jack’s theory on ghosts and their existence, how Jack rescued orphans in the Ukraine, and why Bill can’t sleep in Europe.Â
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Hello Bill Ma.
How are you?
Good, sir. How are you?
Hey, listen.
Sorry, I know I just met you.
But before I forget, because I get to drinking and I do.
Okay.
Please tell your mother.
I'm going.
She loves you.
That was the first thing she said to me when the cold was coming into the...
Please, again, before I forget, because I know I will, I tend to do it.
But I had such a great time when she was on real time.
And she did as well.
Nothing pleased me more than to kind of fucking, you know, come to her defense.
Yes.
And, you know, we texted a few times, you know, I always let friendships evolve.
Yeah.
I don't force them, but just tell her, yes, I could tell I liked her right away.
I knew I would. She's my kind of person.
She was very grateful for...
We'll all get to get some time before we're dead.
Yeah.
So how are you?
Can I get you a drink?
I'm good.
I've got one right here.
Cheers.
No, no, alcohol.
No, I do not drink, but I've got a spot in money.
That's so funny.
I always say the kids always do the opposite of their parents, right?
Usually, right?
I mean, don't you think that is something to do with it?
Yeah, but the irony is though, we have, I have been totally
fucking wasted in your presence before.
You have?
Oh yeah.
I don't remember, because I must have been wasted in my presence.
Probably, yeah. In my youth, I used't remember because I must have been probably in my presence. Yeah, in my youth
I used to frequent I Sutton mansion in the playboy mansion. Yeah
Yeah, and I was there, but was serving drinks or something. I don't remember being at the playboy mansion
No, no, so you're talking about the parties the parties. Yeah
People I say that biggest people
Like live there or something like Jimmy Cahn, I think, in the sevens.
Right.
And of course, I only went to the big party.
Because they were fun.
Because they were fun.
And it was like four times a year.
Yeah.
But of course, every time you go,
they get a picture of you.
Yeah.
So it does look like you live there.
Pretty much.
Back when people actually read Playboy magazine.
Yeah.
And so.
Yeah.
And then, and then, and then,
and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then. And then, and then, and then, camera phones ruined everything.
Why?
I don't know, it just, it felt like,
when, like, it, like, the Playboy Mansion was fun,
and then when everyone had iPhones,
it no longer been, it no longer became about, like,
going to the Playboy Mansion having fun.
It just became about people taking pictures
of the Playboy Mansion.
Yeah, I remember in the, the later days.
Of course, this, what I call the dead bowl era.
You know what that is in baseball?
No.
Okay, so you're fucking like half British or some shit.
You don't get these references,
but the dead bowl era in baseball
was like before Babe Ruth came along.
Okay.
They called it the dead bowl era
because no one hit home runs.
Like Ty Cobb would lead the league with nine.
You know, first of all, the ball was different.
Okay.
That's part of it.
And they just played it a different scrappy or kind of game.
And then Babe Ruth changed everything.
But for me, the way we mentioned the dead ball error was like when he got married.
And then they had the, by the way, did you see the sign?
I did, yeah.
Playmates at play.
That was the one that you was on the driver.
When you made the car, when you made the car.
Do you believe I wound up with that?
How did you get that?
Auction.
Shut up.
And it wasn't that much money.
Wow.
Under 10 grand.
For that iconic sign, I bet you, it's worth a lot more already. Yeah, I think that they but when he died
They auctioned off like I'm with a catalog and I'm not an auction person
But somehow they I guess they figured because
I live there that I would want to see this shit and And it was, I mean, it was like everything the guy ever wore.
I mean, his fucking jockstrop, his socks, his, I mean,
they've like, when they cleaned out the closet,
they cleaned out the closet.
Wow.
And it was, you know, a lifetime, you know,
his car is his, you know, I'm sure there was the,
you know, the silicon they had lying around.
They used in the lab and the stuff they used to bolt the tits
under the real housewives.
But when he got, when was he was like 60 something?
Yeah.
And then, so that sign came down,
and it was children at play,
because the kids were young.
Yeah, the new era.
Are you around that age of Marston and Cooper?
Yeah, I'm within a few years of Cooper, I think. He's a great guy. Yeah.
Looks identical to his father. He does, yeah. Like a clone. Like almost a, I mean,
spooky. And he's very much like his father, cerebral, you know, kind of quiet,
not uninterested in pussy- But he's married.
I don't know.
Was he getting into politics at one point?
He's engaged.
Yeah.
That I'll say that.
I think he's an interesting guy.
But anyway, I think the dead ball arrow was when he was married.
That sign came down.
Children at play went up.
Of course, it's like when Vegas tried to be family friends.
It's the playboy mansion.
Don't be the opposite of what you are.
Exactly.
Know your brand.
Know your brand.
Try to play it the playboy mansion just doesn't quite hit the same.
Your father doesn't want to go out there and sing.
It's impossible.
Zella baby not to cry.
Exactly.
He said off a bat.
It's just plausible.
And tomorrow.
Going to give them what they want, you know?
And that's, yeah.
Oh well.
Anyway, so that was like, and then he came out of,
well, the marriage, and then he came out,
and that must have been when you...
Yeah, like early 2000s, I started solid.
Right, I think.
Right, because he was, I think,
newly single, like late 90s.
Yeah.
And we had that weird thing with the twins.
Yeah.
Well, he had like multiple, oh, well, it kept shifting. Yeah. Remember you had that weird thing with the twins? Yeah. Some...
Well, he had like multiple...
Oh, well it kept shifting.
I have...
And then with the show, it was like...
I roll the Christmas cards and it's like, one year, it's like him with three platinum
blondes and the next year, it's like five and then it's like seven and it's back down
to four.
You know, it's like you...
I don't get why he didn't just move to Utah where it would have been total.
He's socially acceptable at that point.
He could have married all of them.
He didn't want to marry them.
I mean, that would take the fun out of him.
Ha-ha-ha.
It's like he's these...
I hear about these thruples, you know,
that you're gentle millennials.
Yeah.
Remember that Katie Held, you know who that is?
No, she's a con...
She was in Congress.
Oh, that's right.
She was in my friend's district in Valencia.
Correct.
Yeah.
Yeah, local.
And like 32, do you remember?
Yeah, and she had the full throttle going on
with like a member of her like, staff and...
Right.
Yeah, that was weird.
And I was like, but it was like a marriage, you know.
They were living together and, you know, I was like, but it was like a marriage, you know, they were living together and, you
know, I was like, leave it to millennials to take the fun out of three sums with a lot
of rules about who gets to do the dishes, you know.
But, but, um, well, we're bringing that up.
Oh, the three, half with this, uh, heroms.
I just thought, you know, I loved him, but you know, now a lot of stuff
is coming out. I don't know who knows what's true. It was a different era that doesn't
excuse some of the things that, you know, may have gone on. I don't know. But he was certainly seemed like he wanted to be a gentleman.
I don't know what went on behind closed doors.
Well, yeah, and that's the thing.
You never know what it goes on.
Like anyone's closed doors.
But there is, I always, you know,
that is that strange thing of,
oh well, you know, he's dead.
So how does he define it?
Exactly.
You know, what do we go,
dig him up and yell at him?
Yeah.
You tell me.
The guy lived a long time.
There was plenty of time to turn around and be like,
hey, this asshole did this.
Yes, and also a lot of the women who were his girlfriends
and hung around, they do have, I mean,
I've certainly met a lot of them.
They were around.
I mean, they weren't like embittered and, I mean,
I guess there's some and maybe they have legitimate stories, but I don't think it was from him.
You know, people will cause me was there a lot. I mean, you know, I don't know. I don't
think half was preparing the ketamine or whatever. But he was, you know, it was a less a fair, anyway, I always thought in his later years, it was less cool
than his early years when he never left, which was what made it so cool. Like I don't have to leave.
Everybody comes to me. Everybody comes to the playboy mansion, especially the Chicago one.
Yeah.
And then you'd see him at like the Garden of Eden and Ike Club like, well,
I'm here. How fucking cool. We're at a nightclub. A shitty fucking disco where douchebags
are roofing chicks. Yeah, it's been in 10 grand at a table. It's like, you know, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I don't think it was even that,
but so you went to those parties and you were single, obviously.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, at that time, sure.
Had a lot of fun. It was great.
And then you got married?
I got married in 2012 and then in 2018 and then engaged now.
Oh, yeah.
So you like being married?
I guess it would turn out so, yeah.
Yeah.
That's not exactly a ring.
No, you know what it is, I, my, my, my photo.
Honey, it would turn out so.
The way you say it with that British lilt,
how could anyone deny it?
It's charming, I mean, I'm sure.
But some people it's just their personality,
like they don't like to wake up alone.
I was like King Bachelor for the longest time.
I was a King Bachelor, I had a great run,
I had a good like 12 year run,
you know, just like tearing it up and,
and, you know, is it wrong, I'm still doing it.
No, it's great, Like hats off to you.
Like, like, like, captain, my captain.
It's like, go for it.
No, it's not like that.
But like, it is, it is, I often think about like, you know,
yeah, when you're a bachelor like that
and really just militant about it.
Yeah.
It's kind of like Halloween, you know, like,
you're getting a lot of candy.
Yeah.
And if somebody says, well, you know,
there's no law that says tomorrow can't be Halloween too.
It's true.
It's so true.
I mean, I, I mean, like in the year that I was single
between, you know, you know, divorcing my acts
and me and my fiancee, I had a lot of fun.
And then I realized, you know what, I kind of
Enjoy trusting this person a bit, you know, it's that weird thing of like and then I've like dealing with that kind of
I tell you what the dating apps I think are kind of amazing and the sense that like there's like documentation of what the
interaction is with the person. It's not like, you know, I'm gonna kind of meet you, Erra.
What do you mean?
Because I'm not of this Erra.
Well, I am not of your people, you know, Millennial people.
So this is all, you have to explain, uh, you know.
I like this, I like the safety of it in the sense that, like,
hey, I matched with this person on a dating app.
It's very clear that I'm on a dating app,
she's on a dating app, there's no confusing
about what we're doing here.
Go back even before that.
You pick up your phone.
Yes.
Okay.
It's very much an app.
It's very much like ordering an Uber.
You've got the magic light box in your hand.
Yes.
It is like ordering an Uber, right?
Oh, I see.
So you're just...
You're going like, I like you, I don't like you.
Of course, yeah.
Are you talking about Tinder?
No, I did, I did Raya.
I met my fiancee.
But isn't that like, that's Tinder for like the cool...
Yeah, it's like exclusive Tinder.
Okay, yeah, I know they tried to get me on that.
I was like, you...
Bill, you'd have a lot of success on that.
I don't give a shit.
I will, that will never. I'm not looking for success. And I, it's just, first of all, the idea in this world where everyone is faking.
They're masters at faking who they are and what they look like.
You can't even get what they actually look like.
No.
But I'm going to make a date with someone.
I'm going to make a date with someone. they're masters at faking who they are and what they look like. You can't even get what they actually look like.
No.
But I'm gonna make a date with someone.
No, I don't think so.
See, I could tell you through the whole strategy.
The strategy is you meet someone, you chat to them on the app,
and then you agree to have a little FaceTime combo.
So then you can see, all right, which,
there's always a 20% scale.
They either look 20% better than that picture or 20% worse.
Wow. What kind of an idiot makes them look worse? There's always a 20% scale. They either look 20% better than that picture or 20% worse. Wow
What kind of an idiot makes them self look worse? Yeah, well, no, they make themselves look worse than they are
Well, they end up looking worse than they really are
But then they just you know, they can take bad pictures
But if you can't make yourself look better
Then you're that should say something about their IQ. Yeah, you're going out with oh, yeah
So you did that so you did that for a year.
Yeah, and then met my,
I've been out the aunts and they're like,
there were just women who knew you from
your public persona and thought,
oh, that's a cool guy to go out with, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I could say that, you are a cool guy to go out with.
You know, well, you're, you know, you've got,
first of all, like, for the crazy upbringing you had,
I see you on the MTV show.
How old were you then?
Oh, started when I was like 15 or 16?
Yes, I mean, which is what a tender age
to be on a reality show.
Yeah.
I mean, it's amazing.
You're not on top of a tall building
with a high powered rifle or some shit.
You know, but, you know But you came out very normal.
Yeah, I think I mean, I think a stint in rehab and then kind of stay in sober and realizing
there's a whole world out there outside of LA.
But isn't that day regurgur for everyone in your coterie?
Yeah, pretty much.
Getting this just from euphoria, but I think it's the normal progression.
Yeah.
I don't think that's that weird.
But it's like what I was saying when you first walked in about like kids, Rebell, whatever
your parents are, you don't want to be that.
I remember once with Ray Don Chang, you know Ray Don Chang is?
No. Oh, wow, that's sad.
She's the daughter of Tommy Chong.
Okay.
Yep.
Of Cheach and Chong.
Yep.
And she had a very fine acting career.
Yeah.
She's probably as kids now and stuff, but you've recognized her.
She was in some really good movies and I don't know why we were in, I don't know.
We certainly wasn't dating her.
I would have loved to, but I don't think I was in her league. But we have some reason
in the back of a car giggling with some other people. And I remember she said, my father
was so disappointed when I told him I stopped smoking pot. And it was this, it's like,
yeah, whatever the parent does, the kid wants to do the opposite.
Well, at least one of them.
Right.
Why, your siblings are?
Oh, no, I just, you know, it's usually, you know,
the boys get the, you know, my sister had a,
both sisters by kind of foray into me, you know,
went to the music route and tried to do that.
And I was always like, never doing that.
Osborne show was a little like the monsters.
A little bit, yeah.
A little bit of a monster.
And we had the Adder's family analogy,
the Monsters, we had it all.
Oh, you did.
Yeah.
It was like, the crazy thing is we just
passed the 20-year anniversary of when it had.
Right.
I remember it was huge.
It made MTV.
It's second, you know, the MTV music obviously, but when they went into programming,
that was a, that was the show that stamped them as, oh, now that it's this different, but
also successful network.
Yeah.
And then I think Jersey Shore came.
Yep.
Soon after that, they had a time there when they were the hot network without, without,
but their original brand was to get back to that.
Yeah, yeah, it was fun. So, um, but do you think you're you're I mean, where are you now with
the family? Good. Yeah, yeah, great. Everybody's good. Yeah, everyone's good. You never you were
never like bitter that like, oh, you put me on that show. No, no, I was because because for me,
it was like I did the show and, you, and I got paid handsomely for it.
And then when the show ended, it was like, you couldn't, or what do you want to do now?
And I kind of fell into doing a lot of travel shows in England, and I traveled the world
for six years straight.
Really?
Oh, yeah, I went everywhere.
Traveled the world for six years straight?
Pretty much.
I wasn't in one place in one of the six weeks, but.
Home money.
Where'd you go? Oh, man. I went to... The only continent I didn't hit was Antarctica.
Seriously? Yeah.
Yeah, I was just talking about...
You were just using the money you've made?
No, I was making travel TV shows.
Oh, you're making a drive, of course.
So I was doing... I did a show called a adrenaline junkie and I...
I mean, New Zealand, South America, I drove to Mongolia from London
once, that was fun, that was a long drive.
Okay, you can't fool me, you can't, I guess with the channel.
Okay, so the channel into France.
France into Central Europe, Central Europe into Ukraine.
Through Ukraine.
Through Ukraine.
Right. Central Europe, Central Europe, into Ukraine. Through Ukraine. Through Ukraine.
Right.
Yeah.
And where you go through the stands, Isaac Sam?
Yeah, it was back in Stan, Kazakhstan.
And then China.
A little bit into China.
A little bit.
And you end up in Ulan Bah Tor.
Yep.
How is Ulan Bah Tor?
So when I was there, it was kind of,
I guess they had just opened up a lot of the mining
and so a lot of money was flooding in, a lot of Australian and American miners were over there.
I mean, how are the gateclubs?
Oh, the gate, they were real pumping.
It was wild.
Is there such a thing?
I'm sure there is. There was a lot of undergroundness, you kind of get that vibe.
I'm okay. I mean, you're always, I mean, it is a Muslim country.
No, Mongolia.
I don't believe it is.
I actually, you know what?
I wouldn't be surprised if it was, but I think it is.
Okay.
I never heard, I never came across many mosques
or you didn't hear the call to prayer or anything
when I was there.
But it could be, yeah.
Yeah, I'm, Yeah, that's interesting.
Usually I would...
It was very like when I was then, this is early 2000s,
it was like the, they were still in that post-Soviet era
like time warp, well, like...
Sure, they still are.
Yeah, there was like buildings half bill
and big giant statues of whatever...
Fairbanks, Fairbanks,ix, Alaska is in the same era.
I played there once.
Really?
I loved it.
It was so great.
I played two cities in Alaska, like 10 years ago.
One was Ferbix, which I think is the big city.
Yeah.
I don't think it's the capital.
The capital might be Juneau, I think.
Yes, it is.
You can't even get to it.
I mean, you need like Lyrobot.
Almost a dog sled to get the fucking capital of Alaska,
but Fairbanks, and what's another big?
The Anchorage.
Oh, okay, Anchorage is one of them thing.
Fairbanks was the first one.
That was like a western show.
Seriously, it was like outside.
It was raining, western show. Seriously, it was like outside.
It was raining, they didn't care.
They stood outside in the mud.
I remember walking through mud outside to get from wherever the dressing room was,
to the stage.
It was fantastic.
And they were enthusiastic,
whoever comes to do this show.
But then Anchorage was like the land that time forgot.
It was the 70s.
Everything at the restaurants, the hotel,
everything looked like it must have been,
I don't know when the oil man started or stopped
or whatever, whatever reason.
Yeah.
But Alaska is interesting.
I mean, you'll see a moose walking down the street.
Oh yeah, and you gotta run for those things.
Everyone's going to be gone right in their car.
Yeah. In case the moose attacks. Yeah kill you. They will come right in their car. Yeah.
In case the most attack.
Yeah, exactly right.
The Grizzly comes poking around.
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There are lots of those post-soviet states, countries now.
Yeah.
That I better still locked into that era.
Yeah, Kazakhstan was...
Kazakhstan totally.
Right.
I mean, that was because there's a little more money in Kazakhstan,
so it was still just like... And you, speaking of because there's a little more money in Kazakhstan, so it was still just
like, and you, speaking of weed, you drive down the streets in Kazakhstan and you will see
huge fields of weed.
It just grows naturally there.
And they just leave it because it's just everywhere, but it's really frowned upon to
smoke it.
So no one does.
I want to, they sell it.
They don't.
They just leave it.
It's crazy the amount of weed you see growing in Kazakhstan.
But they must know that there's a market for weed.
Someone must.
Maybe it's because the penalty for getting caught doing it
is prohibiting it.
That's probably what it is.
I mean, they just sent the right.
Yeah, lots of other countries in the world are, you know,
they're not like, they're just rougher.
You know, they just kill you for stuff.
You know, so people, you know, and people, you know,
I was always, Saddam's a big argument with us,
is like, you know, like me, but who keeps the shit
to show level?
Yeah.
You know, you people have no idea what kind of tinder box I'm
sitting down.
You just don't know.
I'm going to find out.
I did.
It's got a trip.
You know, that's the thing that power back you in Israel.
So, I mean, this is why I have never traveled the world
like that because fuck, I don't want to be in places that make
me uncomfortable.
Otherwise, no one is the world.
You know, even where I did
use to travel, I went to Europe in 2010 and 2015 and I'd been there in, oh, I don't know,
99. The first time I think I was in London was 84, the first time. You know, travel, you know, it's a travel.
It's, but the last time I did it, I would, I've less than I actually toured in 2015.
I did shows in the cities that speak English or American comics do it.
And I enjoy the experience, but you know, after you get to like the fifth of the six city,
it's like, okay, what's so different about Oslo?
It's a people, there's a lake.
There's buildings, there's a town square.
I can't forget the town square,
is there all over the yard?
That's quite a town square.
I was like, I could be home.
Wait, you have quite the compound here, Bill.
Why would you ever want to leave?
Yeah.
Well, I love this room.
This room is pretty cool.
Isn't it?
Yeah, this is a good, this is a good, uh...
I wish we could have the music playing,
but of course we can't,
because we're taping a conversation,
but it makes such a difference.
It goes with everything,
but just imagine it in your head.
Yeah, I mean, you guys have fun in it,
I feel like this is a good...
Oh, I have for almost 20 years have fun in here. I feel like this is a good. Oh, I if I have for
Almost 20 years really I decided it's like well as long as I'm having fun in here anyway. Yeah
And this way I can summon people I've always wanted to talk to like you Yeah, well there we go and you answered the subpoena I did yeah, we appreciate that and
What could be better? What could be a better way to spend Wednesday
between like five and seven?
I mean, what the fuck are you gonna do?
On a Wednesday between the five?
Talk about the hump of the hump day.
You know?
Yeah.
And, you know, I barely drink anymore,
but this is when I allow myself a cocktail or two.
Hump with a humpy.
Yeah, but you never miss them.
No, I don't.
It's never, I mean, listen, there are times,
I'll take the only time I miss drinking,
is I spend a lot of time outdoors,
like climbing, camping, all that stuff.
At the end of the day, after I've been like climbing
with friends and everyone would sit around the campfire
and everyone have like a glass of whiskey or a few beers.
Only then would I ever miss it,
but it's just not.
I know it doesn't agree with me.
I do weird shit when I drink,
and it's best that I don't.
And this relationship you're, you're so you're engaged.
Yep.
You think if you went back to it, you'd fuck that up.
Oh, probably.
I mean, I have a hard time not fucking it up, Soba.
So, oh, really? I mean, I have a hard time not fucking it up sober. So
Really? Relationships are amazing when they're good.
And it's and it can be it's a lot of work, you know, but it's great.
So now you're saying that we're I'm like, I'm already out.
You know, no, you had to have had a girlfriend.
Of course.
Okay. Of course. Okay. Of course.
Of course.
I've been some serious relationship.
Not a lot, but yes, of course, but what you just said, it's a lot of work.
Yeah.
It's a lot of work.
For words.
But when I, but when I can't, now I, you know, I'm, I'm already just throwing the towel.
Right there.
We haven't even started the conversation, doctor.
And I already threw in the towel because you said that you played the trump card right
out of the deck.
And I like my work, but it is work.
And then I can't have more work after work.
But my kind of thought process is, if it's easy, you wouldn't
respect it. No. Really? The stuff that's easy? I don't know, I always find it. No, I love
easy. Okay. Well, like with people, I love easy. Yeah. Like I see no virtue. No, I get no
boner of any kind, mental or physical from drama or being difficult or playing hard
to get is fucking boring.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, play hard to get.
You won't get got.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, some guys are different.
Some guys love that, you know, probably pretty boys.
Oh yeah.
You know, where's guys like us.
You couldn't just like, get on Rea,
I guess you got it.
Yeah, you know, it worked all right for me.
What if they meet a girl named Rea?
That would be very good for you.
Yeah, that would be super confusing.
Yeah, that's some layers right there.
I bet you people are gonna name their kids
when they meet on Rea.
I bet you you'll see that.
Yeah.
Like in 20 years, that would be a very popular name I bet you you'll see that. I'd be like in 20 years,
it'd be a very popular name.
Did you see that article that came out?
The guy he delivered his babies,
wife had a baby in that car,
and they were in a Tesla,
and it was like auto driving to the hospital
while he delivered.
And they named their kid Carson,
because he was born in the car,
Carson.
Oh, that's not the least clever thing I've ever heard from social media quite frankly.
Yeah, I got a chuckle out of that. Yeah, I mean believe me, there's way worse reasons and way stupider names.
Yeah, they're all. I mean there's a
Who named their kid Moroccan?
Oh somebody and it was like when I saw him like
and somebody. And it was like, when I saw him,
like, Momorako would kind of make sense,
but Moroccan.
You're applying that your child is?
You're using the,
jick-tival form.
I don't understand.
Yeah.
You know, put some celebrities,
famously go with some crazy names.
Oh, MG. Oh. Sometimes, and I guess the kid, celebrities, famously go with some crazy names.
MG sometimes, and I guess the kid,
you know, and when it's, sometimes it's a name that
bestows, you know, great grandeur on the child,
which I'm not sure is great as a child.
Yeah.
To name the child King Shit.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
You're great, you know, it's like.
If you don't do that, like your kid,
if you're famous and a celebrity,
and if you're remotely controversial,
why are you gonna name your kid a name
other than like something relatively normal?
Cause that kid's gonna experience a bit of trouble at school.
And now you're gonna get him a weird name,
it's just gonna get, you know,
that kid's gonna get the shit kicked out of him. But maybe that's what some of these at school. And now you're going to get him a weird name, it's just going to get, you know, like kids are going to get the shit kicked out of him. But maybe that's
what some of these kids need. But celebrity marriages are always going to be fraught, because
the difference between a lot of, not all, but a lot of celebrity marriages and marriages
is like, I had to say it nicely, regular married people don't have that many options.
But Ben and Jay-Lo do.
If they want to get together with other people or is trying to get to them, it's just different.
It's harder.
You're just constantly tempted by the grass is greener on the other side.
Whereas the guy at the office, it's like, I guess I could leave Gladys and fuck my secretary,
but she's no prize either.
Where else do I meet women?
You know, I mean, it's just, you're kind of like, you don't have that, you know, temptation
because...
Yeah. You know, who's getting with a Kenny Shoe salesman? You don't have that temptation because...
Yeah?
Who's getting with a Kenny Shuse houseman?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Someone might, you never know,
that could be a fetish.
There's a fetish for everything these days.
I mean, it happens in movies a lot.
People, like very ordinary people
get hit on by very extraordinary women.
I don't know.
I guess that happens,
but I think it's a movie thing.
And I'm, look, I hope that it seems to have a rather cynical,
jaundice view of just going into it. Oh, no. Well, so, you know, you got it like, you kind of
have a full head of steam, bro. If you're going to make it last at all. Oh, yeah, no, absolutely.
No, my fiance is fucking awesome.
And that's why I chose her,
because we chose each other, I should say.
I pick you.
You want to lie.
Bay of Thore and Bringer to my tent.
That's what they're saying in Mongolia.
Yes.
You know what they have over there?
Marriage by capture. Really? I think Mong man of gold. Yes. You know what they have over there? Marriage by Capture.
Really?
I think Mongolia, absolutely.
And definitely Kazakhstan, as Borat did it.
Marriage by Capture.
And they sometimes do it in modern day era.
I read a story.
Oh, it probably was five or six, could be ten years ago.
But, you know, 21st century. And they did it to the girl working in the video store.
What?
I love this confluence of the old and the new world.
Working in a video store, you know, that itself is a little out of date.
Yeah, but it's not bad for God's.
Yeah, they do it all right that.
I think that a copy of Le Leave the Weapon to VHS
that he's very exciting the way it's going around.
No, and I believe they the whole bag on the head.
I mean, it's marriage by capture.
You capture the member Borat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a man there.
And that was from, that's a Kazakhstan custom.
Wow.
And the fact that they still, I mean, it's not a common Wow, wow, wow, and the fact that they still I
Mean, it's not a common thing. I don't think please
Kazakhstan board of commerce. I'm not saying you're all going round you're gonna lose that sponsorship here
These three knuckleheads did that of course we have knuckleheads in our country crazy shit, too
But not barrage by cap. No that. That one we have not touched that with you.
Yeah.
But, you know, who knows?
Anyway, when were we talking about?
But my fiance, no, she's not,
all right, she did not capture her.
She did not capture her.
No, no, she's cool as shit, she's awesome,
she's an interior designer, she's awesome with my kids,
it's like, we just...
And you met on Ray?
We did.
Oh, you did?
Yeah, yeah.
And yeah, we just like, it's kind of like,
we're best friends and we hang out
and she likes doing the same stuff I do,
I'm interested in the stuff she does.
I'm always curious about that one,
the, she's my best friend thing.
Yeah, I'm not down with that.
You're not down with that?
My best friend is Jim Balloli.
And I know, I like to keep it that way.
Yeah.
And a woman can be certainly a best friend, a kind of best friend.
Yeah.
But that term to me, I want it to, it's something, no.
Some positions I want to be have a man.
Okay.
Because a man can understand another man in a way
and you know what I mean.
I still have guy best friends.
Right.
And I do a lot of the guy jokes and all that with them.
And you know, but she's still like hanging out with me.
But it may be like almost too much.
You know, time and, you know, I feel like we freight
relationships with so many.
Bill, I'm getting the feeling that you don't like being
your relationship.
Relationships, you know what, there are a lot of work.
That's not something relationship is.
And I love work.
No, no, I mean, look, marriages are lovely institution.
I just don't want to live in an institution.
Goodnight, late afternoon, but no, yes, obviously,
I've never gotten married, that's not coincidence.
And it is because relationships are difficult and I'm basically a loner.
I mean, that's really what it is.
I mean, I need way too much alone time to be in a relationship.
Just cannot starve a person as much as I need to. You know, my mistress is my work.
And that mistress never argues, never lets me down.
I've been fortunate because I do a job room.
You know, it's my show.
I run it.
I'm gotten my universe.
You know, I mean, I know not to do crazy things.
And I don't wanna do crazy things and I don't want to do crazy things
But HBO is marvelous. Yeah, and that's it. That has been their model and why they have been such a success
Not just my show every show there. They pioneered that everybody else finally caught on and imitated this business model of
Get people you trust and then let them do their thing and don't fuck with them with their network
notes and the blah blah and for years they own that also themselves as every year they had the best
shows and model the Emmys and finally the other networks were like okay I think I see what they're
doing. They're onto something. Right. Find people you trust and let them make the art that they make
and you know HVLOs had many flops, John
from Cincinnati, comes to mind. Yes, I do. And, good. You, that's, means you're experimenting
and trying. And that's what artists do. They sometimes flop. Yeah. This could be a
trying disaster. Do you consider yourself a comedian or a TV host or like what? I just did
my 12th stand-up special. I get that. I consider that a comedian or a TV host or like what? I just did my twelfth stand-up special.
I get that.
I consider that a comedian.
Oh, absolutely.
But would you also have a huge successful TV show that you host?
I can't be both.
Well, you can.
But when you wake up, you're like, I'm a comedian.
Absolutely.
Okay.
I wake up a comedian.
Okay.
Yes. guppa comedian. Okay. Yes, because I've never done any kind of show that didn't have good comedy in it.
I mean, I hate Ernest TV.
By Ernest, I mean, like, just, you know, I'm not going to name names, but a lot of cable pundits.
Yep. It's a lot of use, sir.
Okay. You know, if you had jokes in here, maybe you could get away with that, like,
everything shitty that happened in the world happened to you personally.
But if you're gonna talk about weighty things, yeah, make it if you can funny.
Yeah, I mean, make it, and there's a way you get at truth
better when you make something funny,
because, because laughter is involuntary.
So anytime people laugh, something in their mind is going,
oh, there may be some truth in that.
Yeah.
But, you know, that's why I get the big books.
Yeah.
You know.
And they're in the, the balles of cable.
And you're an HBS.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
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Ghosts.
Ghosts.
Because it's interesting, and I know
you're the guy to talk to about this.
Okay. Because, look, I made the movie religious.
I have a story about that.
Okay, let's hit your story.
I had someone very close to me at a certain point became a born again.
Did a handbrake turn to the right?
And I put on religious, religious for them.
Oh.
And they began to...
Oh, that's fantastic.
...degress out of the mindset.
Thank you for telling me that.
So thank you.
Oh, I've heard from, I would say at this point, because that movie's been on for 12, 13 years.
From so many people, the same kind of story, like in a way that's so interesting. I never hear.
I was a big conservative and I'm listening to you
and now I'm a flaming liberal.
You never hear people switch their politics.
People's politics, they're, but I've heard,
I'm telling you, it must be a thousand people
who've said, oh yeah, I'm religious and I saw that
and you're right,
what a bunch of bullshit. Much easier to switch them on God than Mitt Romney.
Yes, it's really. That's kind of odd, right? But, goes.
Again, made religious, kind of known as an atheist, and I am. But I also, in the movie,
I say, I preach from the Bible from the
gospel of, I don't know. I don't say, because that's even Richard Dawkins' position.
Yeah. Atheist just means not theist. Doesn't mean I have all the answers. So my issue with this,
and I've talked, I think, with somebody else here about this,
I know too many people who are intelligent people who have a ghost story.
Some, and I've, like, really bored down like, were you drunk?
Are you, no, no, I was not on Xanax, I wasn't drunk, it wasn't Amby, and I wasn't asleep,
you know.
And it's just interesting that, and I've always thought,
anything is possible.
We have five senses.
I used to say it's like five stations on a dial.
There are other stations that we don't pick up.
I know there are. I don't know what they are.
But we're not picking.
So, I'm guessing you're all in
on ghost. Well, but here's the thing. I'm very curious. I've had very strange experiences,
but I don't think it's as simple as we're experiencing the, you know, consciousness of someone who died in that space
and that haunting it.
I don't necessarily think it's that simple.
And, you know, I think it could be a couple of things.
You know, what if, what if, you know,
a lot of haunted houses that old and decrepit,
what if people are exposing themselves
to some mold, which is causing them to hallucinate?
You know, magic mushrooms make you hallucinate.
You're right.
What if long-term exposure to mold can do that?
Long-term, even shorter exposure to mold can kill you.
Yeah, exactly.
People die of sick house.
Yes.
I mean, if you ever see black on the wall.
Get out.
Yeah.
It's scary stuff.
So that's like one bucket.
The other bucket is like, what if there is some unknown,
undetected energy, which when you're exposed to it,
kind of like a electromagnetic frequency,
you experience hallucinations.
You know, that is one thing I think is entirely possible.
You know, we did it with what?
So like, think about what causes a hallucination?
What if, okay, so think about people that live
under power lines, then they get,
they have a lot of electromagnetic exposure, they'll experience headaches, they'll experience physical
symptoms.
What if there is some energy spectrum out there, we just don't know exists?
No, it could be.
And when you're exposed to it, you will have some kind of hallucination.
Oh, that's interesting.
I'm going to go with that.
Yeah, I mean, it's, and thank you.
All right, great to see you. Really nice. Yeah, I mean, it's, and thank you.
All right, great to see you.
Really nice.
What have you done?
What have you done?
But then there is that thing where people are like,
I saw my dad walk in the room and he's been dead 15 years.
Right.
I mean, could it be a trick, I guess,
but you know, I don't wanna be that guy who says, I can't tell how,
well, of course you can't tell how to do the trick, or else you'd be the magician.
But there are some things like, there are mentalist acts, like work, like, um, barbers'
tricellin uses one in their concerts.
Really?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes. Yes. Like, he comes out in the middle and does 20 minutes like, and again, I don't want to
be, oh, I can't tell.
But really, how could you do this?
He just, there are people in the audience.
You can, no one is that good in act.
You can tell they're not.
And he seems to know things that they're thinking
that I don't know how they could be communicating this fast
and have it written on the card already.
It's just too much.
I mean, there are scams that I get,
like the Gypsy, the Fortune Teller.
Some of that is just...
Suggestion.
Yes, it's in that new movie, Nightmare Alley.
Mm-hmm.
Have you seen that?
I have not.
But I know there's a new movie called Nightmare Alley.
Yeah, it's with Bradley Cooper.
It's the guy who did the one about the fish fucker.
Okay.
You remember what was that called?
Or is he fucking fucking the fish?
It was supposedly very, I don't know what it was.
It wasn't boring. Oh, the fucking, yes. The shape supposedly very, I don't know what it was. It wasn't boring.
Oh, the fucking, yes.
The shape of water.
The shape of water.
Correct.
The shape of water.
The fucking movie was a joke.
Yeah, I guess so.
I was not as bad as I thought it was me,
but I was expecting something horrible.
What a glowing review that.
Bill Mars is not as bad than I thought it would be.
No, this guy's a good filmmaker.
I mean, I'm probably not giving it enough.
It's, I think that was better than allowing.
But this new one, I think, is quite good.
He really stuck the landing.
And it's about a guy in a circus, like in the 30s.
And there's that element, too, of the he's being trained by someone who does, you know,
he doesn't mentalist act. And it becomes big doing it. I won't tell the home movie. And
a lot of it is with him, he has no special powers. He is just a master at noting, you
know, someone comes in with a sailor hat. You like the sea. You know, just, you know.
You're smoking a joint, you like weed.
Yeah, Johnny Carson used to do that character called El Moldo,
and he was like a psychic, and he went,
there's someone in the audience with an E in their name.
But that's a scam.
But this guy talking to people, 50 rows back,
and knowing, having written on the card,
but I just don't know how it's,
and it's just scary, first of all,
to think that someone can read your mind.
Yeah, when someone's just tuned differently,
you know, I mean, I cannot play music for the life of me.
But my dad, he's an amazing musician,
and he can write songs and whatever.
I can't fucking do that.
And to the life of me, I could never go,
oh, I could get on stage, memorize a song and sing it,
and have it be near as perfect to the way it was recorded.
Right.
I can't do that.
That's so far out of my realm,
and I'm related to that guy.
Right.
And so I think there's like certain people out there that just have these weird gifts.
Yes.
That science can't really prove because it's so subjective.
That one is a little easier to grasp.
The music one.
The music one, yes.
But why certain people have that?
Well.
And there's don't.
Here's my question about the guy who, the mentalist guy, like the real Bradley Cooper, who can do it,
like I've seen it done that I can't really explain.
If you could do that, this is really the best way
you can monetize that skill.
I know it's like, you can't make a lot of noise.
You can't think of that smart, but you can't think of a better way
to make a whole lot of money on this rather rare and
I would think very valuable skill maybe to another corporation that was wondering what Pepsi was doing
It'll call for espionage
I mean potent couldn't use a person like this. It's anybody. I mean, this is the best way you can do it
Yeah, you can make that's what makes that suspicious to me.
Yeah.
I just, well, I think it's, well, I mean, you say Putin.
I mean, look at Rasputin.
He was, you know, he claimed to be a psychic
and he controlled the Zahs before they got kicked out of Russia.
Rasputin, yes.
I remember his, I think his quote when he died was they pointed me, shot me, stabbed me, and drowned me.
And then seeing how unpopular I was, I died from a broken heart.
He was very witty, Rusty.
Yes.
Not so Putin.
No, no.
I always want to say, how about Putin on a shirt?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
What, you were there?
I was, yeah, I was just there.
I'm not bearing the lead.
Man, Jack, you gotta stop smoking, bro.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Okay, I was just in Ukraine.
I was just in Ukraine, yeah.
So modest.
Well, you know, I was doing charitable work.
I don't think you should flaunt charitable work.
Okay, but can I hear about?
Sure you can.
Yeah, so what?
When did you get back?
I go back on Sunday night.
Okay, so hopefully, okay.
So you've just met back four days.
Yeah, and you're doing this?
God bless you.
I'm just saying this because that's a rapidly changing situation.
Yeah. Hopefully when people are hearing us talk about this.
It's all over.
It's in a better situation than certainly something's got to be better than having your apartment
bomb.
Yes.
Yeah, it was, it was, listen, I will say this.
I went in over the Romanian side.
I was there working with an organization
that was trying to extract special needs orphans.
It sounds like a bad pickup line.
I was trying to rescue special needs
that happens out of a war-torn country.
I just, boy, I don't wanna get behind you online
at the pearly gates.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. But it was, yeah. I knew that guy from the playboy man.
Let me tell you about his younger days, because he wasn't so much of a fucking hero back then.
Let me tell you.
It sounds a lot more heroic than it actually was when I was there.
Just because of the evolving nature of war, like, or devolving.
They now are extracting the kids when I was there,
whether we're having a hard time finding them,
but I did we were in Ukraine.
This is an organization you've been in before this?
I had worked with a part of it.
It was two organizations that kind of came together.
Okay.
And the one that I was with was.
And I called you and said,
we need help in this particular.
They, I reached out to them, because I'm an EMT I called you and said, we need help in this particular day.
I reached out to them because I'm an EMT as well.
And I ain't like a modesty medical technician.
So like ambulance kind of stuff.
Don't forget that.
Good guy to have here at Club Ren.
Right.
You go.
I can keep you alive until the paramedics come.
Great.
I love making new friends. Okay, so how many
days were you there? I was there seven days. In Kiev? I was no. I was in Kiev. I was on the
west west side of the country. I see. So I was based in Romania and we were going in and out of
so was there fighting there? Have they been gotten there? The closest strike hit while I was there
was about 50 kilometers away
So far enough to where I felt okay still fucking Harry
I would have not I would not have slept for one minute
It was okay. I mean I didn't sleep in Ukraine. We slept in Romania. The hotel was okay
It was a someone's house that because everyone just opened it up. Yeah, like an Airbnb
Yeah, kind of yeah a refugee a B&B, I... See, I admire that so much as celebrity
who, you know, is not afraid to rough it.
I mean, that's as rough as it gets.
Yeah, I mean, it was, I just,
I'm so not the person that like,
if I believe in something, I'll go do it.
I won't post a fucking picture on Instagram
and be like, oh, I know.
Not many, I mean, Sean Penn is like number one
on my list of celebrities who walk the walk.
Yeah.
That motherfucker, he is a man of action.
He's like the, remember that commercial the most interesting thing, I mean, he really,
he was there. Yeah. Yeah. He's everywhere. Yeah. I was, I was in Haiti.
He gets people out of, and he really does it. Remember the El Choppo thing?
The hurricane.
See, it's like, I couldn't find him, but he could.
It's like a real life backman or some shit.
But few do that.
There's a lot of George Clooney, I know, has gone to Darfur.
I mean, that's not a, you know, you need a connecting slide like to get there. That's, that's no, so Burbank right to
No, I'm gonna use being over 60 is an excuse why I can't be I can't I have
I can't but you provide a service in another way. Exactly my That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
You help in lighting people.
Well, you know what?
There's also an old saying, don't pity the martyr.
He likes his job.
Well, yeah.
And that's it.
If you are suited to, whatever way you're suited to serve,
and you have to know, if you're going to be like,
impossibly uncomfortable, you can't do it. You're just not built for it. So, you know, if you're going to be like, impossibly uncomfortable, you can't do it.
You're just not built for it.
So, you know, I'm not built for it, but.
Yeah, I just never like try.
I'm telling you, even when I traveled in the highest class
places in the best European capitals,
I was still kind of miserable because I never really sleep.
Yeah.
The jet lag I never recover from it.
It's always something I want.
I mean, travel can be great.
It can also be like trying to peel an orange with a can opener
at two in the morning.
And just wanting to go home.
And that's me.
I didn't want to go home.
You know, I have this saying with my fiance,
I just want to be comfortable. That's it. I just want to go home. You know, I have this saying with my fiance, I just want to be comfortable.
That's it, I just want to be comfortable.
Now, what about this kind of ridiculous traveling
that you do now that you're going to be married?
Well, I travel a lot, yeah, it's just kind of,
it's what I've always done.
You go away from your parents, you come out a little bit.
You know, and the kids,
You must have talked to about this.
Oh, what, going to your, going to Ukraine?
No, no, the idea that you travel
and you're gonna be the husband
and you must have talked about,
are you coming with me?
Yes.
Can I come with you?
We should be better if I didn't come with you
because absence makes the heart grow fonder.
It's a bit of both.
You went and filmed,
she'll come out with me on the road
when we're doing ghost hunt stuff.
When I did the show with my dad,
my kids would always come out because it was,
can I make a suggestion?
Sure.
Okay, I've said this before,
but I'm gonna say that I always bears repeating.
No matter who the two people are, I believe
there are only so many fucks in the can.
Yeah.
Look at that.
I made a cell right away.
And then you're always trying to get a couple.
So my suggestion to be is when you do your thing, don't take her.
Save, spread it out. Don't burn it out. You probably burned out a lot of it already.
Kids you fell in love and you probably like jumping all of each other all the time, spread it out.
Okay.
Leave, leave, you know, like forget the writer,
I think I was humminglier, somebody who said he would always
like, he would quit writing for the day,
he would leave, he'd leave something like half of a sentence
in the typewriter so that he came back to it.
Oh, interesting.
Leave something in the typewriter. Okay, leave something in the typewriter. That that he came back to it. Oh, interesting. Leave something in the typewriter.
Okay.
Leave something in the typewriter.
That's an interesting theory.
I'm not opposed to it.
And, you know, she does not travel everywhere with me.
But, yeah, I'm, you know, I think she's...
Because people might be on something that they're building on.
Yeah.
I'm just telling you, bro.
Because, like, people who, like like work and play together?
Yeah.
Oh, it rarely ends well.
Rarely ends well.
Don't you think it's a poor idea?
Yeah, I just, I don't think I would ever work with my partner in that, like, full time,
a little project here and there.
Like, we're redoing a house right now together and that's working together and that's about as much as...
Well, redoing a house is domestic and I can see how that could be kind of cute.
Yeah. Have you ever re-done a house with a woman, Bill?
No, but I moved into one with one once and it was 1992. Oh. And it was, I remember we had a boombox player, I guess,
before we got the stereo system in or something,
and the album of choice while we were unpacking
was Madonna's erotic.
Oh, okay.
Do you know that album?
I know of it. I'm gonna count say I've listened to it a whole bunch.
It's really good. I mean Madonna never struck me as like the warmest person in the world,
but man, you can't front on the as far as making great records, especially dance records.
I mean, and well into the 21st century.
When many of my idols of my youths,
either weren't working or they just lost the magic touch,
not all of them, but it's hard.
It's hard to be a, I mean, your father's still,
that he's still fucking like, goes out and fucking,
yeah, sings paranoid and yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know, it went cold with him around.
Do you go?
Oh, yeah, I mean, I've been to thousands,
I mean, I've been to so many of his concerts.
I've been, I've been to thousands.
Enjoyably?
Yeah, it's great.
It is.
Especially, I think the old way.
Where are you during the concert?
I'm backstage floating around.
Backstab.
But I'll go out to front of house and, you know,
that's my thing.
If I'm gonna watch a show I wanna be in,
like as close to the mixing desk as possible.
Really?
Yeah, because that's where the concert is mixed to the desk.
So the sound guy out there who's, you know,
you know, making it sound good,
he's making it sound good to his position.
So if you're not right where he is, it sounds like shit.
But why is that interesting to you?
More than like the show itself.
What, where I sit and watch it?
Because I'm like,
Because you've seen it in me.
Yeah, and I want to, if I'm good to watch it,
I'm like, all right, I want to hear it, it's best.
I see.
I see, okay.
Who else do you watch?
Who else is on your playlist?
Oh, I mean, if I'm gonna go to a show,
which I don't, I don't go to many shows anymore,
I'm like, I've, that's another one way.
You can, you have only so many shows in the can.
Before, before it's just like, I, yeah.
I'm, I'm like, I'll, it's, yeah, it's gotta be someone
I really love, like I love TOOL.
That's like, TOOL.
TOOL.
Great band.
I, I know other people who said that.
It's one of the best live shows you could ever go to.
But it's heavy metal, right?
Yeah, it's heavy, but it's very cerebral heavy metal.
It's not.
Well, I got to give them a shot.
I must say that I was turned off by the name.
I just sounded douchey.
But that's why they named it douchey.
I'm sure they did.
You know, sometimes you can be as the British say,
to clever by hat.
Alright, I have to go back to my day job.
What a pleasure to go to know.
Great, absolutely.
Right, absolutely.
Isn't it?
What else would you have done?
I would have gone home and complained about the construction.
I know.
I would have gone home and complained about the construction.