Club Random with Bill Maher - John Waters | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: July 16, 2023

John Waters and Bill Maher on how models stay skinny, John’s love of joyful creepiness, how Divine wanted to be Godzilla, why only bad movies should be remade, John’s new book Liarmouth, why people steal luggage at the airport, John’s idea for very special Christmas ornaments, and Bill’s pitch for a new Quentin Tarantino movie.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Clown right now. Johnny Boy. Hello, sir. I can't get up once I sunk in this chair. I want to see Richard drivers in this chair. No, oh, you have to. Was he here where he said all this stuff about being vomiting from the new Academy?

He just was, he was horizontal for a lot of reason. What does that mean? I sat down and it's like, I have to see it to believe. Really? But he didn't adapt to it. He just was very loose that day. I mean, he would slide with me. I would be talking to like a head there.

And then he would get back up in the chair. I mean, he's just like big. Like your tongue hangs. I wish I was not loose all the time. Although, I don't know if I feel much less stressed at this age than I did when I was young. I think I do too, even though I'm busier than I've ever been in my entire life.

Well, that's part of the reason why. What makes you stressed? I know. I don't this. I know. I suppose to me, I always say that I'm not gonna retire except I was just in France. I couldn't say that.

There it'll set you on fire. But you're gonna retire. But so I said that when I say on my show when I die on stage you can take selfies and the only next thing is if a dig up to have sex and I say oh alone. No, if that happens. Oh wow. You never know what's gonna happen.

But yeah, I feel like the stress in my life was definitely in the earlier years because you're all about, oh my God, am I gonna be a failure? Or like, how am I gonna eat? Yeah, you know, I never worried how I wanted it. I used to just whenever I was hungry, I got little bag of planters, peanuts, and they always filled me up. Now what I want to do, I've read,

have you ever heard of this is true, you know more models than I do, that models now the skin England's eat paper towels soaked in water and that fills them up. Bring all the brawny. And then they just shut out the paper. I don't know. Well, they must. They must. Or maybe they get maybe they get the kind that you know that's environmentally correct. You know that vanishes in your system. I have not heard I never heard that and also models a long long time ago. I realized that was not really a great avenue to pursue even for a hound such as myself. Well, I heard I was in here and I did the pose, but on the stripper pole and they said no one else has ever gone to that pole here. Well, maybe not on camera,

but I have never done a strip. I bet you have. I never have. Isn't that a great triple pole in front of my old. And I was at the playboy mansion. And what would I do at the playboy mansion, but I was there once. Well, half what's not half a very important voice back when nobody was talking about it for gay rights. Yes, yes. And he also hired me. I loved working for him. He paid well, I even ran up the end.

I was on Playboy TV. I had some show where they did vintage porn. And I remember that. You know, I like that. I forgot that. You know what I'm saying? I liked it. I forgot about, yes, I forgot about Playboy TV. I remember having a meeting at the Playboy Mansion about Playboy TV. Because I was like the only guy in America who had it.

Because here's what it was. It was, we're admitted it. Well, that's the thing. Like married guys couldn't get it. Because the wife is like, really we're getting Playboy TV. Yeah. And by that time porn was free. Yeah, so I don't get that either.

You need a guilt tax. Porn free doesn't work. I know. Now it works for me. Well, I don't think free. You can type in Clarence Thomas naked in a good will box and it comes up without buffering. That is discouraging.

Used to have to go into boner world bookshop and slink over to the creepy clerk and pay for it with a stolen credit card and jerk off all night. You can't do that anymore. And you certainly were a pioneer, which explains all the arrow marks on you. You certainly were a pioneer of that milieu. Which, that you? The milieu of creepiness, that joyful creepiness. I mean, when I see in the news, like on an almost daily basis, stuff about drag queens, I think, wow, John Waters was like a half century ahead of his time on the dry Queen's them were square and divine was the first one that dry Queens hated divine because they thought he made fun of it and they were scared of them

But now you know, yeah, I like drag kings are more interesting to me because they're like look like boys. I'd like and then I find out oh So divine is a man. Yes, divine was not transidol. He was a drag queen proudly. He didn't want to be a woman. He never dressed as a woman, except when he made money. Like, RuPaul.

And the one thing, RuPaul is a great key to his success. RuPaul has a great look as a man, too. Most drag queens do not. Interesting, because I remember having RuPaul back on Polit in Iraq, which was, you know, I loved it. And then I, many years later, I saw, I guess I don't follow the show like he does it. And I saw that look. And I was like, wow, right. He can completely look out of the dry. He can be completely two different people. He calls

it work clothes. That's what the vine calls it too. Divine, I always said, he want to be a woman. He want to be Godzilla. We thought him up to scare hippies. What do you, what do you think about this? I mean, I think what they really call this is intersectionality. Like, we're talking about how RuPaul could be in the world as a drag queen and also as looking like a regular normie. He was also black.

I'm sure he also had friends who were not. This is intersectionality. They seem to pit the groups against each other. No, I'm against that. I said, my show, we're weakening the pervert brand. We used to hang out all together. Why are we fighting? I don't care what anybody wants to be the only thing with a transmit of some of them needs stylists That's the one thing and I'm all for it. I don't care when I'm at you said I don't care what people want to be

I think they can change every day, but it's then I sort of think am I a woman ever thought that before but it seems like Everyone is now. You seem like in rich kids schools, they're all none. But you're not, there's nothing about you that makes me go, oh, he's a woman. No, I don't want to, but then. And maybe I, I don't like, I look for the proton but mine's the royal we, and they don't have that to check.

Well, I mean, I can tell you're not a woman because you like guys. Yeah, but you know, the real, and this is true, Christine Jorgison, who was the first trans I ever knew about in my life and the greatest headline ever that they could never get away with today was GI goes abroad and comes back abroad, which is a great, great headline. But she is D. I always, yeah, Christine Jorgasin always said she wasn't there because she couldn't have sex with a man until she was a woman. That I understand in a way, that explains something.

Sure. Yeah. But what I'm talking about with the insinsectionality is not just the acceptance of we're different. That's not what they're fighting about. They're fighting about who is more of a victim because of how many boxes you check. I mean, they have fights about like, well,

well, you're talking about who, who's gay? Like black lesbian women. Like if you're black, and a lesbian, well, that's two points. To me, I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian, bro. I always say, gay men need lesbian help. I'm too nilly. I can't take change a fuse box. I need a Lesbrow. I always say, gay men need lesbian help.

I'm too nilly. I can't take change of fuse box. I need a lesbian to help. Oh, I see. And lesbian's like to fix things. Wow. And they're really good. So I'm always like,

I've got gay men too. I've got you. Let's be the only one. I can't change a fuse box. I mean, I always got along with lesbians. And gay men didn't use to, but I don't know why, because they were the first people that helped start

Act up and their friends weren't dying of it so they were really brave and started up so these days I don't know I live in Providence town, which is you know, there's a lot of everything there's straight people too Straight people get along well too. That's what I like everybody together. I was never a separatist. We all hung around together Right all the people that didn't fit in their own minorities, didn't fit, we had rich white kids with black kids downtown that were gay, they were, who cares? We all got along together and took acid, and it was really nice.

And also, when you're talking about who's a victim, who got shit on in life. I mean, there's so many ways it can happen. Besides just what the things you can quantify as, okay, I'm not of the majority of people the way they have sex. I'm not of the racial majority, but you could have like a great personality and the white guy could be, you know, a boring white guy. Well, I said his progress to say there's bad game movies, there's untowelted African-American

rappers. Right. I think that's progress to say there's bad game movies. There's untoward to the African American rappers. I think that's progress to admit that. But I'm that's why I'm against homeschooling because I think yes, high school is horrible for the fun people later in life usually, but you got to learn how to fight. You got not I don't mean physically. You got to learn how to outwit them. You I was so crazy that the kids would beat me up. Thought I hated authority more than they did, but you can't tell your kids that today.

Just hate the teachers and you won't get beat up. So, but I learned my way how to get through it, and you didn't, and everybody kind of has to. Why were you mocked in high school or something? A little, but not really, because I just wanted to beat Nick. I didn't care what they thought, you know? I wanted to get out of there, but.

I got this shit beat out, I mean, once. I never did. I could always wanted to get out of there. I got this shit beat, I mean, once. I never did. I could always talk my way out of it. Yeah, this, I feel like I talked my way into this one. But did you ever beat the shit out of somebody else? I never did that. Absolutely not. If it was a fight, I was, I could do it with words, but not.

And I wouldn't even give myself enough credit to say I've been in a fight in my life. What's not a fight? I had the shit beat, now, to be once in my life. Oh, that happened fight? I had the shit beaten out of me once in my life. Oh, that happened to me. I got jumped and beat. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, for having a black woman as a date in Baltimore.

Is that right? I'm shocked. You went out with a woman. Yeah, I had a girlfriend. You did? A long, long time ago. This is before you knew what you really were. I knew, but I was playing the part.

Well, I was, who knows. She was fun. She was in my movie. It's a great time, a great time of her. A Jeff Sachs with her. Yeah. How you did? Well, it depends, well, which one of the girls?

I had a couple of girlfriends. I know this seems so naive. I'm sure they sound like such an idiot off the turn of truck, but like, how can you get a heart on if you're not attracted to, like, I couldn't get a heart on for a man. Well, you say you actually did for a woman. Well, when you're 15 and 16 and 17, heart comes quickly. And of course, if you're looking at a hamburger, you get a heart on it. And there's an easier place to put it with a woman.

But, well, I don't know about that. Not easier? with a woman. But, well, I don't know about that. Easy, not easier. The mouth of a, I've meant a vagina or an ass. Oh, I was talking about something else. Well, there's many different holes that can be, you know, I know, but that's what the, but the tightest one is the one you use.

Speak for yourself. Well, I guess the, yeah. I mean, so anyway, I understand that because there's a point star, I know who's really good, who is straight and he's a game point star. And I said, well, how do you get it up, then? You just shoot it up before. What do you mean? You know, you can shoot your dick up and stays hard for 50 minutes. Shoot your, you mean a needle? Yeah, that's what Harvey Weinstein did. Remember, they all said about. Oh, yes. Well, that's for people who are like, what's the same thing?

You can do it if you don't have to. Anybody can shoot a I never knew that. I never knew that till this side. How do you think they get it hard? All night and sit there with hideous men looking at them. You know, they get that needle out. This is where their work, it's like medicine for work. It's everybody, there's modern science is a great thing. It really helps people. I, it certainly helps, yes, with stuff like that. What do you think when you see like, I mean, we certainly see this in the heterosexual world,

like, um, share recently had a boyfriend who was good for old chickens make, oh, a soup. I said that. I'm looking, that's from that. I'm looking for people that like Gerrit Hall, general men and grammar, puts Grammys. And the last thing is hospice eggs. I hope I find a hospice egg. I'm getting there, I'm 77. That is so funny, a hospice egg. Yep, that's next.

No, but like, and then neck-rofelia. I think they, which I steer performing. I've said that on your show before, I think. But, okay, I think they broke up. I've read that too, but like share, I've been. But okay, I think they broke up. I'd read that too, but I like share. I've met a lot of her. And I think she's great, but for her. And Harvey,

Levin was here and he was telling me about like when AIDS was ravaging in the 80s and share was like the best person. Like she went and visited people. So the Elizabeth Taylor, they all, the mother like me. But share did it like without any publicity about it. and share was like the best person. Like she went and visited people. So does the battalion. Yes, but like, but she shared it like without any publicity about it. And yes, Elizabeth Taylor was great too.

They really did that. Yeah. But okay, so I think and Madonna, I certainly have seen with guys 40 years younger than her. So, I mean, I think, you know, I don't care what people, some people like old people. I had a boyfriend once it was always with older men. And I said, well, I said, because I'll always be younger. Well, I don't, well, I'd explained it. Oh, I don't have a stupid question.

I know. It's a people thing. It's a, it's a physical thing, which is, it's certainly, people like old people. It's just what your just what your love map is, Dr. Money, the crazy ecologist from Baltimore that got in so much trouble on Oprah. He was my friend and he wrote a book called Love Maps that you're born with a type. And you got to figure out that type. If you keep falling for it over,

I'm going to bring you misery, you got to change it. But sometimes you really still want that always. And everybody has a love map. Well, that's exactly, and that's, I mean, this is my story, and I'm sticking to it, you know, but it's not just how someone looks. I mean, obviously people were all cuter when we're younger, but, you know, people can be attractive into age,

but it's more of like a, I guess, Shwada V, maybe would be the right phrase, just a, there's something about being in your 20s. You just haven't been shit on enough, perhaps, in life, and you just have this optimistic, great looking attitude. But maybe you want to meet somebody older that can show you things I've seen. Exactly. I'm saying from, I'm talking about it from my point of view to the, and they quite the reverse. And the thing is, if I can't be young my whole life, which I can't,

the next best thing to me is to be around it and then feed off it like the vampire I am. Right. We, whenever I hear any people my age, saying, oh, they didn't have as much fun as we did with young people. That means you're an old fart and have no influence anymore Right because you have to keep up you get youth spies. I read music reviews. I have spy on people I Eve's drop. I mean you must have so many younger people who

adore you and and so I bet you you spend a lot of your time like I do. Not with people my age. Not that I don't love my old friends, but yes, but I just came back from a week in France. I did a book tour and the French have always been so great to me and the kids were 20. They weren't even born when I made my last movie. All the young boys were giving me French poetry. They were like a dirty overlaid. Well Well, you are. No, I didn't act on it. Okay, I know. But come on over miles and read that poem, though, I didn't think. But that's what I'm talking about.

It's so great that you've feathered your nest all these years and you have this body of work and, you know, celluloid is forever. So it doesn't matter if they were born like 50 years after the movie was made. And then here you are reaping in later life, the fruits of that with the thing that is so hard to get, unless you've done something like that when you're older, which is why else would, I mean, 20 year olds would norm,

if you were just John Waltman walking down the street in Paris, the young 20 year old guy's not gonna be giving you poetry. No, I mean, but in France, it's always been, I went there for my 70th birthday and I took five friends and we went out the first night and walked across the bridge and a kid on a bicycle, rode by us, did a U-turn and came back and said, welcome to Paris, Mr. Waters.

I thought, this is a Woody Allen Allen movie to somebody pay him to do that But it was true. It was just so great. I'm so happy for you that you got to see that. I'm happy for me. Yeah You see my version of my I said to Debbie Harry recently aren't we lucky she just came back from a huge tour where she's so respected and doing it Aren't we lucky that we live long enough to see this? You know? Is she one of your buddies? Yeah, she's a great buddy.

And you know, I always joked him though. Yeah, she's doing great. And she's lasted forever. She can sing every kind of music. She never, she had a movie career. And she did. She was the same thing. She didn't wait until something didn't work. She tried something else.

It's just as important. And what's she doing now? Singing, she does tours and giant stadiums. Is she dying? Yeah, yeah. Blondie had just like, with Blondie, sometimes, oh, definitely, but they just did it in London.

Like huge stadiums and getting amazing reviews and she's having really great time, you know. Yeah, they did a reboot of the movie American Jigalo. Yeah. Did you see, it was like, I didn't see. Why they should remake reboot of the movie American Jigalo. Yeah. Did you see? No, it's like, I didn't see it. Why they should remake the bad ones, not the good ones, they should remake ice castles and movies like that. Why? Oh, because they were bad the first. They were bad so they get a second rewrite, you know. Why would you make the classics over? And just ruin them. I'm always amazed that they keep making movies,

like some movies over and over again, and they're never good, like the great Gatsby. And the last time, the year in order to capriot one, because there was a red-frid one, and I think there was two before that. And I thought, well, maybe the book sucks. Well, some times, bad books make good good movies and good books make bad movies. That happens a lot.

Or maybe everyone was just, you know, it's amazing when you look back with anything cultural or with people's taste, like how much it changes. I mean, I very often, I'm watching, because I see some, I watch movies in the bathtub and all over the place. You stay in the bathtub that long? Why? You all wrink bathtub that long? Why? She's all wrinkled, and you get out.

No. You keep putting hot watering. No. What kind of movie are you watching? Oh, I think all movies are five hours long now. You think I'm watching the whole movie? Oh, you would be jealous. I watch the movies in half hour seconds.

Okay. I have hours a long time in a tub. No, half hour is the perfect time in the tub. Doesn't the water get cool? No. It's what? Have you ever taken a bath tub? I take a bath. I've been in showers for hours a long time in a tub. No, half hours a perfect time in the tub. Doesn't the water get cool? No. It's what? Have you ever taken a bath? I take a bath.

I've been in showers and two violent for me. I told you that before. I only take baths. I take a shower. Well, you have to take a shower first. No, no. I take baths and then I'm always in my hotel and the thing is that I have to have a hotel with baths.

It's getting harder and harder. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. They don't have them anymore. I know. They all, I guess, want us to stay at Airbnb or something? No, no, even in hotels, they don't have. No, I understand.

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This cancer you were sobbing, but today you weren't. That's the difference. That was a tear jerker. It was. And and and I liked it too. When I in spite of my everybody was part of me to admit, I liked it then because it was such a tear jerk, but it sometimes tear jerkers work and they are good. I found it...

Well, first of all, I didn't remember what even the story was. I remember it was Debra Winger and I guess Jeff Dengem, I'm a Charlie McClain in Jack Nicholson, of course, that I remember, the astronaut part, I can really forgot that the whole movie is that halfway through she suddenly has cancer Yeah, which is like the oldest trick in the book. I felt also now in real life this happened a lot of people I know suddenly I've cancer always happens in real but not when you're that young no Yeah, I mean this is part of the you know, let's kill the young girl genre in show story I just watched that again. Well, that was a howler then. I thought it was terrible.

I think then people thought it was terrible, but it's a huge hit. That was never, did that get Oscar nominations or anything, I don't think, did it? But you know what's funny about that movie is like, I am the easiest cry in a movie. Like in real life, very hard to make me cry. But like if you just push the right buttons and it's not even that hard, I will cry at a movie. Like in real life, very hard to make me cry. But like if you just push the right buttons

and it's not even that hard, I will cry at a movie. That movie, like nothing. It was, it's sad, but it doesn't do that thing. Whatever that thing is that makes you cry, it's just plain sad. And it was just like, also like I didn't really give a fuck up I do the one. They were like pre-gen Z's of that era.

Even though I ever saw a love story to be honest, I just heard so much about it that I rejected it before I even saw it, which was probably on the show. What about the song, Honey? Which song was that the song in it? Bobby... No, remember Bobby Goldsboro in 1968 had a number one hit called Honey. You don't remember see the tree how big it's grown. Now that you're cruning it, I'm having flashbacked. But friend, it hasn't been too long, it wasn't big. Oh, but I just remember all the great teen death songs in the 50s, like the one Tullara I Lover and the and the scene, the best one was where he digs her up and has sex, what do you remember that one?

There was a novelty song, I want my baby back, it's called. I got my baby back and you hear, girl, I'm gonna call for an open, and you hear him smothered and it's like, I got a baby back. One of the most shocking novelty hits and it was in the top 40 in America. Well, that just, I got my baby back. Yeah, see, you have memories of the 50s. I do not. Yeah.

Well, and that sounds like it might have been very formative in the creation. Well, certainly was at the time. I thought, what is this? You know, but all those teen suicide, teen angel, and all those songs that now you would never have a teen suicide song. So you're on the road that much. I do 40 shows a year. 40. Yeah, but you have a private plane. I don't, that's a big difference. He spits out. I have 40 shows a year. Plus I write books and do everything else just like you do.

We have many, many things. We're busy boys. That's good. So good. Yeah. I'm not ever bored. I don't understand people. Right.

Oh no. So open your eyes and watch people. I also have no I'm not ever bored. I don't understand people. Right. Oh no. Open your eyes and watch people. I also have no problem with free time. If I have like a month. Two, I have it. Yeah, it's not like I don't work seven days a week. I don't have to go anywhere. There's always have to go.

Really? I have fear of not flying. That's an awesome line. You know, man. And the other thing I thought today, the writer's strike, I wish they had that in high school. What do you mean? I would have to do my homework. You know, if you were a writer in the writer's guild and the writer's strike not, and you

were still in high school, you could not do your homework and it couldn't make you do it. So that's, I'm trying to think of good things. You know, as an optimist. I wish I could be sanguine about it at this moment, but it didn't. Oh, no, it's like you can't have a movie that's about ready to get made. And maybe they hired me to write the script for this. Oh, I can't do it.

I remember when you were on real time for this. I read this for that. I can't do it. So by the way, the thing about, and this is your book, it just came out in paperback. Lire mouth. Oh, it just came out in paper. Yeah, were you plugged in on, yeah,

it's so funny. And, you know, it's, I love a novel. It's too rare that I read novels, because I've seen a reading read. I really like them. I know, I like them too. They're just not enough hours in a day. But the thing about about she steals luggage.

Well, people could do that. And then this is before that guy in the book. He read the book. Godfrey. You mean the trans. The one that works for Biden that steals luggage. I think he read the book. What is his name?

Brenton, I think. Okay, I used to see on your show. No. But now he was a high level official. I think in the energy department, and the energy department is the department that watches over our nukes and matters nuclear. And he was like, he certainly was well-qualified,

but he was a full out wearing a dress. Full trans, but you shouldn't be stealing suitcases in, or, you know, and to me, I did know somebody that used to steal the flight attendants pocketbook always on an airplane. It's always in the same place. But what is this, but stealing the luggage, you can easily do it because they don't check it. And remember in the old days, you had a tag,

and when you got your luggage there, was somebody there that you actually had to take your bag, and then one other, you go in in. Well she has a fake chauffeur and everything that she stands there with. But basically you just pick up a bag and take it and then if you say anything you say oh my god I have the same suitcase. But where's your suitcase? You don't have one. You just you know you're not on the plane. You just go to the airport that morning. Oh. In the end where you live. And she would, but how can you get past security?

What, you, at the luggage claim, anybody can go down that flight. Don't where the luggage comes down. You don't have to go to the security where that is. You walk right out. Oh. So you just stand around luggage.

And you, especially if you have a fake shirt for or you point to one, they pick you up. And since the book comes out, I have been stopped for random searches more than usual. And I don't know why because I never used to get that. But this sounds like something that it's not something that a common thief does because they do. But now the problem is that cameras. So you have to go to different cities. You can only do it once or twice. But it seems more like a fetish thing. Like this person wasn't really looking to get rich.

They were looking because it's just like... Just think of it. Pot luck. What's in somebody's luggage? If you do a couple of day, I mean, think what's in a suitcase, really. What? Designer clothes. People, most people don't put their computers and stuff in there. But it's your underwear. It's your shadow.

I have more than underwear. I'd be really mad. That's why I always take anything I'm writing with me or anything. I'm not even memorized yet. They get nothing out of my food. Oh, mine. Well, they they've still one time somebody stole my lamar cream out of my suitcase on a check bag. That cost $250. Okay. I guess we have different ideas. Well, personal things. I guess you could blackmail people too, you know, right. But still, there are people that do still suit cases.

And there are people that, in airports, and since I trapped, they always say the first thing they tell you in high school is right what you know. So since I'm practically on an airplane every day, it was easy to do research about it. And I did know somebody that stole the flight of turns pocketbook always. And I was always so shocked by that that she would do that.

It's always in the same place. So what do you do? So if you're not, if you're only on the road 40 days a year, well, that's 80, because you're gonna go and come back. Okay. I know you, when you came to Baltimore, you went back the same night. Oh, right.

You're trying to play. Let it, but no. Put a crowbar in your wallet and rent the plane. What the fuck are you jokin' me for? But, so, and then what else do I do? Well, I do, here's where I've got the John Waters summer camp, which is three days where people live as my characters. I have, I host a big punk rock festival

in Oakland every year, so seventh year. I have the John Waters Easter in San Luis Obispo. I do birthday shows. The only thing I don't do is roundhogs day. And eventually I'm gonna do that, but then I'd have to do the same show I did two years ago, but then I'd have to memorize it again. But these are all things you do on the road.

Yeah. Oh, my right books, and movies. So, but that's a lot of days alone at home. You're so nice to them. Yeah, but I mean, like, I'm just asking you, like what you're, I'm curious, what you're like how many nights a week do you like go out to dinner with friends?

I would say, seven, I'm almost never home seven straight days in a row, but if I am three nights at least I go out to dinner. And I love to stay home. It's like, me too. And I also love to have dinner with my friend. Yeah, but I have dinner with my friends a lot You know, I'm in Baltimore. I have the oldest friends. I don't trust people that don't have old friends

I've had friends for 50 60 years me too. Yeah, I'm just saying so that's who I see Yeah, in Baltimore. Yeah, and I have an apartment in New York. I have friends in New York I have apartments and let's go have a soul circle of friends there And I live in Provincetown this summer, Francisco, I have a soul circle of friends there, and I live in Provincetown the summer, where I have a whole circle of friends. So you have five homes. Four. Well, three I own one I rent. So you divide your time.

Most I'm in Baltimore, but yeah, there's other places I go in, yeah, I'm going to say, yeah. I mean, if you own a place, you can consider a amount of time there. I was not much, I don't care. It's always ready for me. But cleaning, I have four sets of underpants, the key to happiness. I was gonna say, see, I could never do that,

to divide myself between places like that, because I have to know where everything is. I know where everything is. But, well, like, but you can't have four of everything everywhere. No, I don't have the exact same four under, but I have a whole set of underwear, I'll set a t-shirt, I have.

I feel like I'd be in one place and be like, God damn, I need those cuticle scissors. And they're... Well, I do have cuticle scissors in all four. Well, I'm just using that. Okay, whatever it is, a butt plug. My favorite one, I don't have any butt plugs. Oh, I don't have a butt plug.

I'll be honest with you, sex to you. Why don't you sing, yes, we have no bananas. Well, let me tell you something. Somebody once gave me a baby Jesus butt plug. And I threw it out because I was so afraid I'd die and people think I had a virile. But I say in my show, you should make hornaments. You should put them as Christmas decorations

and decorate them with your family on emphetamine. So there's a good thing you can do with every weird thing that people give you. But no, I don't have any butt plugs do I know I don't think so A butt plug is a misnomer is it not because it is I think it plugs your butt. What do you mean? Okay? Again, I am not the most learned scholar in this area, but is it not to most learned scholar in this area, but is it not to loosen the butt? No, I think it's attention or I think it's like, I guess if some people like to, well, I don't know how rude I can be, if you wanted to climax in some men like to get a finger up

there as something like that. Okay, correct me if I'm wrong. And don't play stupid. I'm not playing stupid. I am. Straight men like that isn't a butt plug to loosen. I don't think so. I think some people wear it all day. I don't understand that. My friend Pato says, look at that man. He has a butt plug on. I can tell like a banker sitting there. I don't know. But it's certainly not to plug something up. No, it's not to you for diarrhea. Right. So it's not a stopper. It's not a plug. And I think it is a

loosener. I think it's getting this from porn. I think, well, the thing that I'm amazed by about being here's a thing that gave me the I had never heard about squirting on women until I saw porn and I still don't understand it. And I say that basically, I've seen porn a bit though, that you should really develop that if you're out of with your gynecologist because think if there's an old boat of candle that's still burning, you can bang, put it out with 20 feet.

You can really be the hero of your family celebration at Christmas. You can't imagine why that's sexy. What are they squirting? Can you just tell me? I'm talking about like, you could year in and come. Oh, God, I hope it's not year in. Well, I think it is. It is partially. Yeah. Like during actual sex when they're having an orgasm,

I don't, I'm not the one you should know. I feel like I should make that Lucy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think there is you're an involved. Oh, God. You've been involved in shooting. You've seen, you have encouraged a woman to shoot. I'm not encouraging them.

It's just some women are very, I just never, gay men don't know about this. It's not telling you. I'm telling you. It wasn't for porn. I would have no idea. I said, Oh my God. What is that? But you know, I mean, this is disconcerting news because like, boy, sometimes it's like, you need the splash guard from SeaWorld. And if it's, if it's, I think it's a splash.

Anyway, Sean, I'm just, I'm the new thing she discovered, I'm 77, I'm just recording. That's crazy to me that you of all people. Well, I had her, but then I saw a porn of it. But somebody who's into so much more unnatural and crazy and freaky shit that had you know what I'm into. I've seen your movies. That's not as many Alphardiscogs that I don't kill people in showers. You know, just because it's a How do you know what I'm into? I've seen your movies. That's not as many, Alfred Hitchcock said, I don't kill people in showers. You know, just because it's like, I know movie doesn't mean I do it.

I know, but you're not really claiming that there's a complete disconnect between what an author comes up with and puts on film. It is what your idea is. I mean, everything's a little bit in your mind, but, you know, I have never eaten a dog tour. Right. I know, but no. But why?, but I have never eaten a dog tour. Right. No, but why?

But John Ford also never made a movie about that. I feel like you're different than John Ford. Not worse. Yeah, I always say that's probably true. I really got to catch up with John Ford because I keep hearing things, some various people that usually have cine files. But he does have this reputation as like,

oh yeah, I never know. I'm rooted for the Indians to kill them in all those movies. I know that America, you can't say Indians. I have a favorite thing, and I think he talked about, is Sashin Littlefether, who then... Oh, and Fennette, that she was a pretender, and they came up with that word. She's the Rachel Doazole of that movement.

Isn't that amazing? It is, but I say, people say to me in my show, I bring her up and they say, oh, you should give her a break. Why? I say, if I came out to Dishikki and saying, Misa Luba called myself a Caucasianot, they would give me shit. That's hysterical.

You know, but that's the next step. That's the only thing I could do. You can keep with her. I's his theory. You know, but that's the next step. That's the only thing I could do. You could pee with her. I may have told this story before, but I'm going to tell it again. When I read that obituary of Sushin Little Feather, I said to Quentin Tarantino, you have to make this movie where he loves to remake the endings of real events. The night she goes to the Oscars, they'd boo the shit out of her. John Wayne has to be restrained from rushing the stage.

Ella Will Smith. She goes to Brando's house with the trophy and get shot at on his front step. I said make the movie where she loves strong women characters where she is Sashi Middle of other than Takes revenge on the entire Hollywood community who booed her. But she can't now because she was a fake. And that's the ending. And then it turns out she's not either going to be a great deal where she went and shot John Reign would be, you know, I'm sorry. He would be. Exactly. But you can't now because she was a fake the whole time. And that and you said on your show, didn't you say, so what if people can be a different sex, why can't

you identify with what race you want to be? Right. In a way, there's, you know, how far does it go either way? But like, wouldn't you love to see, I don't know, Russell Crowe as John Wayne? And I'd rather see Russell Crowe as a little sister. Sashine Little Feather could be played by like that girl who played who's Wednesday. Did you watch Christina Rishi? No, no, no, they've read.

I know they did it. Well, she was in it too. No, she was in another room. Yes, she was. She was in it. Yes, but she wasn't Wednesday. No, no, no. Wednesday was, I can't remember.

She's new. She was terrific and it was, she'd be a good sunshine little feather. But I think the story is too short because people only people remember are kind of our age and no one liked her that much. She was never. But it was a giant moment. Yeah, it was.

And the fact that Mike, when I did the thing on it in real time, the point I was making was, look where the liberals were 50 years ago. This was liberal Hollywood who boo where the liberals were 50 years ago. This was liberal Hollywood who booed the shit out of her and somebody shot out her according to her anyway. Well, we can't believe much. She said, gambling.

That's the thing. It's very possible. She made that up too. Because her whole family said, we shut up for years. But once she died, we said, we don't have a drop. But you like living alone, like I do, right? You could never live with somebody. Oh, I'd live with people. You have. For a long time. And they're always don't want to be in the public life, which I'm like Dolly Parton.

And then what these were, these were boyfriends and I've had the boyfriends relationship. But they have real lives and they're not in show business. They know I'm in it, but they're not in press, which is so nice. And what was the last time you were in one of those relationships? Recently. Really? But it ended? Hmm.

That's, I don't know about it. But it was not bad or anything. I mean, it's, um, but you don't seem like, I mean, I don't know you that well, and I don't see you that often, but you don't seem like someone who's ever been in some sort of, oh, this relationship is over. Well, it was me trough for too long.

I've had that. You really? Sure. I mean, I think, yes, and I'm seven or seven. Were you like mooped for a year? I wouldn't say moat, but I always just worked harder. But certainly I have been through emotional relationships, definitely. Haven't you?

Yes. Yeah. But I'm heterosexual. Well, you don't think home is a total of people go through. No, I'm joking, of course. No, it's not. That is the same. Exactly. I'm sure.

Love is the same. No, I remember when they legalized gay marriage, like not even the national one, but like somewhere, I forget, you know, it was going state by state, I think, for a minute. And it was some state that was not like one of the usual suspect, liberal states. And you saw like, you know, they had the film crew in front of the courthouse for all these gay people getting married. And it was like such an eye-opener that, you know, it was like, wow, gay, there's a lot of schlubby people who were gay too. Like, what you had a reception, we would think, because when we see the images on TV,

it's like, you're either, you know, riding a penis popsicle or you're gorgeous or you're like, oh, it's everybody. See, I hated every wedding I ever went to, straight or gay. I think it's like, I hate going to wedding. I was on a TV show where I played the groom Reaper where I was the one where they were gonna die each week so and talk about squirting it puts women in heat Like just being around it and also well not some of the women I know But it also is a way to really spend too much money and for what you know, but I'm for marriage I believe in it my parents had a really happy 70 year marriage. My parents had a very good 41 year marriage too.

So I believe in it. I believe it's possible. I don't get an open marriage, and I don't get married. And three times somebody's always the lettuce. I agree. Who wants to be the lettuce? Exactly. I could not agree more about it.

I don't get it. It's married. I don't get it then don't get married. I don't get it. I always said it's better for the ego than the dick. You know, like it's something you do when you're 32 or something around that and you think, oh, you're hot shit and you want to and you're right. It just it doesn't work. One person gets left out no matter what.

So then fuck a real sandwich. That's called splashing. That's splashing. That's fucking food. It's not easier. And you can be a pig about that. That sandwich was asking for it. Also one be terrible. One person is always jealous. Unless like, unless a threesome happens like completely spontaneously among the three people. What on the street or something? Well, I don't know. I'll spontaneously get an happen. You go over somebody another person wand in, trying to get a glass of milk and freeze.

Are you kidding? I'm sure it abysa in four in the morning when everyone's on ecstasy and out of the country. I'm sure the u-turns up the energy or something. Well, that's like three people just go, let's, I don't know you, I don't know you, and I don't know you. It's perfect.

But if one person is already somewhat involved with another person, there's going to be jealous. And if you're a married couple, and the one says, would you like to have a threesome? That means the other one is on the way out. Well, it means if two, a couple, if one of them says to the other couple, let's open a marriage and have a threesome. The person that said it is the one that wants to get rid of the other one. Of course. If you say yes, you're on the way out.

Right. That's right. No, it's just, it doesn't fit. And it's, I guess there are people who are poor. And I know now people that are in threesomes that are like married, like when you invite them, it's plus two. It's not plus one. It's, they are a, they would be offended if they, yeah, that were it. That's not plus one. It's they are a they would be offended if they yeah that word

I was right. Yeah, but you know, people like yes, I don't know any thruples. I know two. Can you describe them? Well, they're like two men to where they're all men to a man. Oh, they're all there were two men, three men together. Three men together. Like the three Spugies. No, there were three men together. Three men together, like the three stooges. I like the three stooges. Me too, because they slept in this, this is way before I even knew what a gaper was. They slept in the same bed.

And they would introduce each other as my partner, even though they were in no specific business. Well, they were in the business. My partner. I know, I love the three stooges. Still, yeah. I was able to move, it's no white in the business of Rosie. My part. I know. I love the three stages. Still, they'll never see the movies. Snow White and the three stages. No, three stages and song, the Hanay, the Olympics skating star.

Oh, of course. Why she made a three-stugious movie is what agent told her to do that? That's the oldest story in show visits. Why? Because that's the best offer she had that month. But she was a skating star. Did she need to make a movie? Do people need to go on the reality shows

at the end of their celebrity hood? No, it's a drug and they have to keep... They just want to stay in the public eye. Well, you feel that too. People say to me, haven't you had enough? No. Haven't you really had enough? No, but I wouldn't do a reality show

if it all ended tomorrow. I wouldn't like... No, I'd like try to get out as close to the top as I could I wouldn't do a reality show if it ended tomorrow. I wouldn't like, no. I'd like try to get out as close to the top as I could and not like slowly slide down the mountain. I'd go back and do, I was a puppeteer was the first job I ever had for children's birthday party. So I'd give a really fucked up one for the richest kid alive.

Just go in and do it just for him. That would be my last show business thing. A puppeteer once for one show. Again, the great thing is, you're, I mean, yes, it's not great to be our age, but we've settled that issue. We did it. They can't take it away. And if it ended tomorrow, yeah, we, we, I, I would be so sad because we're both still enjoying our work so much, but it was like Okay, I'm you know, I guess I'm just being greedy. It's not gonna get much better than this It's not gonna get career or mom. No, no

What else can and it's great as it yeah, I know about what else can happen I'm not an actor this I'm not a greedy guy. I don't know how to do this and be a singer I wish I could sing I would have exploited that already. But I have two Grammy nominees. I mean, I wish I was six too, but God fucked up. But, you know, what can I say? I didn't sing. Have you ever tried this thing?

Have you ever sang when you're show? I used to sing at the end of, I did a Hawaii show, 12 years, for 12 years, just stopped doing it on New Year's Eve. And we would always sing, smile, Charlie Chaplin's theme song. Because I thought, oh, I'm a comedian, I should sing a comedian song. It was 100 years old.

Stood the test of time and it was New Year's. You sang it by yourself? No, okay. We used to have like celebrities who were in town, always in town in Hawaii, in Honolulu and Maui, and they would Woody Harrelson help this steady vetter used to help this Sean Penn.

We had a lot of, I would bring people on the trip, it was a vacation every year. And I really enjoyed singing that. And for some reason, I can hit the notes in that song's mile. So I'm not a great singer, but it's not an abomination. And everybody else.

And of course, when you have people like Joe Walls came one year and played it with Eddie Vetter, it was magical just to, you see that. But you did this on TV or just in your life? No, no, no, no, no, this was a lot. This was my annual party. Yeah, well, it wasn't telebos. It was a no.

It was like you did this in your private life. I'm saying I've never sung in your show ever. No, God no. No, but if I had to, that's the song I would sing because I'm practicing. I think I should do it now. I don't think. I think I'm gonna show a see the USA,

and you should. Well, that is your wasn't singer. I know. She was. And now they have a lesbian golf tournament named after her. She wasn't a lesbian. I find that so amazing. The Dinosaur golf thing is the lesbian woodstock.

Imagine trying to have to explain Dinosaur to someone in their 20s. Where do you? Where do you mean? She was the female Perry Coma. She was great, Dinosaur. But then she dated Reynolds. How did that ever happen? I don't think the female Perry Como would really explain it to them. Perry, what would she be like today?

Perry Como, kids. He was the most, was he 50s, 60s? But he wore like, yeah, 50s, and he wore like card against what his mother loved. He was the nice, he was known as such a relaxed singer. That SETV once did a parody, I can remember it like it was yesterday, where it's a parry coma special, and they literally carry him in, where he's lying on a bed with his head on the side, and the microphone just propped up next to it. And he's singing celebrate. Roma.

Oh, no. Yeah, Perry Como. So, Dineshawar, I feel was a little hiper than Perry Como. I think she was by a lot. She was a Southern blonde, but not like dumbless other. And she was just like, she was very, she was wholesome. She was very wholesome, but kind of hot.

Well, she dated Bert Reynolds later, but I thought was very confusing. Bert Reynolds, kids, you should know. I'm not gonna go into Bert Reynolds, but he was the first male pin up and also hairy. I loved him. I love Bert Reynolds, because he was that guy when I was a kid who was like,

I wanna be him. I didn't, oh God. Why? I thought he was creepy like a swinger, like I don't know be him. I didn't, oh god. Why? I thought he was like creepy like a swinger, like a, I don't know, like he'd go to Plato's retreat. He did? No. No, I said he felt like he would.

And I always thought, I was like, he didn't. Not, no, I didn't say that. For Reynolds didn't have to go to Plato's retreat. Brent Reynolds didn't have to go anywhere. No, he was definitely a sex symbol. He was not to me. He was a straight bear.

He, what? He was a straight bear. What? He was a straight bear, hairy, very hairy. But isn't a bear fat? Yeah. Well, he was skinny one. They're all. I remember he coming out on the tonight show. No, he'd be snapping that gum.

He'd be chewing gum. And he had like super tight jeans and a super tight shirt. He looked fucking awesome and he was a full ass man. But he was a stud. He was a stud and you knew. Oh, he said, but he put a hung around with Trump. And you know what's so funny?

You know who he hung around with? He had a little coterie of gentlemen who he hung around with. All gay. Charles, you don't know this? No. Charles Nelson Riley. Yeah. I hope I'm not outing all of you.

I don't think it's a Paul Lins. Well, yeah, you're not outing Paul. Oh, guy, at the time he was not out. Well, he was about to that. You could be. He was not out. He was the center square on the Hollywood square. And it made a gate jokes though in a way.

Maybe it was. No, he was that you were receiving. America did not know Paul. He tried it. He was the center square on the Hollywood street. They would not have made that a gay man. They always said he died of poppers, but I read the, he did. I read the progress.

I really am a man. Of course I know, but like he, that killed him. Well, you can die if you do too many. I guess you can OD on poppers. How mortified. Right. It wasn't a thing in the gay community that you would snap it under your nose right as you were coming.

Well, right before you come, but straight people did that too. That wasn't just gay from a shoe. How I don't believe it. You never did poppers dreams. Not during sex. You never, I used to do it like in department stores with friends and like be crazy.

You never see that Laura's Von Trier's movie where they all acted retarded. You can't ever say this today, but they would go out in department Laura's Montriggers movie where they all acted. We tarded. You can't ever say this today, but they would go out in the department of the group. No, no, no, no. And then people would run from them. It's really good, but it's very politically incorrect. But we would just do it.

We did them on roller coasters, going up the hill, big hit, poppers, and then go down. You never did them for sex? No, it was like college, and it was the same stuff as Poppers, but it was a little packet. Anyway, it's an immunitrate. Amonitrate, it was the stupidest drug I ever did. I liked it. It was so short, it was like, how bad it gonna be was three minutes. But it was like you turn red, your heart would smell like dirty tennis shoes and you got

a headache. But it was fun. Why did you say it's fun? Because you didn't do it sexually. Dry it. All right. Well, I let's hold it too late now. No, it isn't. Go get something. Rush. It's going to go on the store. Go down the pink die. I'll deliver it. I'm going to put it all on the line, John, at 67 and do poppers now. What's better in Coke? You do one Coke, Lana Coke. I wouldn't drop that fentanyl. I wouldn't do that either. No, me either, but I'm saying.

But why in a department store? Just because it would freak people out. We would just go in there. Oh, why is that? And then just to make cause trouble. And then sometimes it would freak people out while somebody else would shop left because they'd be looking at you.

What do you think about this woman who claims that Trump raped her in a department? Well, my favorite thing, the Trump had the nerve about this woman who claims that Trump raped her in a department. Well, my favorite thing, the Trump had the nerve to say that historically it was correct that grabbing pussy was fine. And then had the nerve to say the female prosecutor, you're not my type either.

I couldn't believe he said that. And he's a free man. He said, I don't believe who a man. But that is amazing. He had the balls to say that. Well, balls is not his type. And who's his type? Who would be his type?

I mean, imagine blowing him. Oh my God, but a horrible thought. Yeah, no, that's true. But he definitely had a type. Yeah, he did. And look, I'm, let's see. Definitely he did, but I think. That's not who would be, for a woman, what type would like him? Obviously, gold diggers, I guess definitely he did, but I think who would be for a woman what type would like him obviously gold diggers

I guess you know But I you that you got to be deep digging deep to get gold for that. I no matter no amount of money would be worth it Well, I think when I mean when he was around when I was young he was a liberal He was in a studio of 50 cars exactly. Yeah, he wasn't this no, he wasn't this and everybody I know who knows him Everybody has said the same thing. he wasn't this. No, he wasn't this. And everybody I know who knows him, everybody, has said the same thing. He wasn't like that before he was president, and maybe he wasn't even like that off camera when he was president, but I think the presidency

made him that character. Well, he won that. Full time. What? He won by acting like that. Right, right. He followed the crowd that liked whatever, whatever got a good response at his rallies.

Like he was just like a comedian. He'd keep the bit in. But we do that too. Ex-I'm saying. We do that, but we're not the president. I know. Like if the bit, the wall, the whole thing, he didn't think about like, how can I solve them?

And great, he just one day said, we should build a wall and they got a huge applause. And he was like, oh, how can I solve them? And great, he just one day said, we should build a wall. And it got a huge applause. And he was like, I'll keep that bit in. That's all it is. That's all that guides him. People think, but, okay, on the woman thing, he's had pretty women.

I'm not gonna lie. I can't take that away from him. To me, a pretty woman would be like, Verushka or like Perushka. Remember her? No. She was a model in the 60s.

To me, she, no, they were hair hoppers to me. All the way are hoppers. Hair hopper is a person that spends too much time on their hair without irony. What about ironing? Well, I have a book called Extreme Ironing. That's my favorite book. I own, this picture is of people ironing? Well, I have a book called Extreme Ironing. That's my favorite book. I own this picture of people ironing.

Oh, volcanoes, lava's going next. So on speedboats skiing, there is a book called Extreme Ironing. You should get it. It's really. Ironing, like ironing your clothes. Yeah, close. They're all on an ironing board ironing with the lava coming out. It's all pictures of extreme ironing. It's really there. It's not photoshop.

I think so. So the idea is that go with an iron and burn iron and then most dangerous situation. It's so good. I love it. There is no possible reason for this book to be human mind. There is just nothing to deprave or so delightful or weird that they will not have a thought of it and then done it. I know.

So how can anybody ever say their board? No, exactly. Not when there's extreme ironing in the world. I know. That is, wow, talk about ironing. But can you iron? Can I iron? If I have to, of course, anyone can if they have to.

I remember doing it many times. No, did I ever think I did it great and mastered the skill? No, but I mean, for fuck's sake, you know. If you can't like approximate it, no, could I do it at the foot of a volcano? I probably would not do nervous to do it properly. But okay, so wait a second. Donald Trump is in Bergdorf, right?

And he grabs pussy. And I remember, you remember Bergdorf, there was tiny little rooms with nobody else in them. Each designer had a little room. It was empty up there. But, so you're saying you think Donald Trump, as much of a monster as he is, would do that in a department store,

would actually rape someone. Like, because I read, what she said, she didn't say they were naked on top of the table. No, no, but she did say he penetrated her with his penis. I mean, that's full of rape. Yes, I just read it in the paper.

This is E. Jean Carroll, we're talking about, we used to have her on politically incorrect. I liked her a lot. And my amazing thing though, the thing I didn't know, that there were some other movies supposedly that the defense brought up that had that exact plot, which she said I didn't know that. Well, I can imagine there's somebody that's done everything.

Do I believe her? Can I do, yeah, I do believe her, yeah. It's certainly possible, but it just seems because so many other people said that whoever thought of why I would steam would have done that. All those things, all those times. But they was in a hotel room. This was in a department store.

But I think have you ever been to Bergedoff upstairs where the high fashion is, it's completely empty. There's just little cubicles that one woman that's rich enough to go in there. It's not like in the middle of a department store. There is fingering room. There are spaces for possible fingering to happen. Did you ever see something like that in the news that makes you want to like write a movie around it? Well, the dolly llama asking a child to suck his tongue.

Exactly. I mean, they're like the Pope's going to say, eat my ass to the next baptism. I mean, anything can happen. You read it. And you think, what was he? Why would he have said that? No, but drawn as you are to the macabre. There are stories like that that make you go, oh, I could weave a story. Like me with the Sashin little feather thing, if I was Quentin Tarantino. To me, I'm always inspired by something. You know, I save it in my bank of memories

that gets twisted into some other idea somehow. But certainly I read 15 papers a day. I go through them fast, some of'm on my phone, you know. Just looking at 15 newspaper. Yeah, but I don't read every story, but I'm lost. Oh, Lord, I'm all. And you know, why?

I get a life. If they're my soap operas. Like, what are some of these papers that I get? Every day I look at. I get delivered at home, the Baltimore Sun, the New York Times, the New York Post, the Wall Street Journal, the USA today. Then I read online, the London Times,

the Guardian, the New York Daily News, the Boston Herald, the Boston Globe. Oh my God. But I don't read them all. I look through them. I know, but you know, even that, it's daunting. And I'm supposed to be up on the news. I try, but man, the idea.

I just go through them, it's my soap operas. When do you do this? When in between, all day, in between the like, especially if I'm on an airport or I'm in a, you know, when I wake up, I look, when I'm right in the morning, I don't look at anything from 8 to 11 30, but before and after I do, you know, just during the day at some point, but before and after I do, you know, just

during the day at some point, if I'm, I'll tell you, I'm writing a gunnoose, it makes a cup of coffee. While the coffee's brewing, I look through a couple of them. You just, I feel like, I'm looking at you, you're like so smelt. I don't know if that's smelt. You're very smelt. Well, I don't go the job. I want the body of a 98 pound weakling. I just can't get it anymore. I just think you have a motor in you that churns like a lot faster. That's why you're skinny. That's why you read 15 papers.

I think some people just have a motor that works, that just my dog is like that. He just has a motor in him, he's 15, and he runs around here like, ah, Well, I'm glad I have that interview. Me too. I'm glad you do. I wish I did. You have it. Are you kidding me?

I have a TV show. And then when you're off, you go do a stand-up show somewhere. Yeah, of course. But you know what? You have to do that. Of course not. No, but is it in your contract, basically, that you all have to do stand-up?

Stand-up. In between. Oh, it's between, you know, who's hiring me? Me? Your show. It is something to do with between contract with who it's between you know who's hiring me me you show it is something to do with my show it isn't it doesn't away doesn't it helps promoted it um yes I think doing stand-up and doing real-time do feed each other I go to each city and actually yes like a politician it's shaking hands and supermarkets exactly I do you get a you get a feel for the country in a real

way that you do not. I mean, you sit in LA. And by the way, I think you see that in other people who sit home in LA or New York. And, you know, it's funny and kind of sad. All the things I used to be able to only say about the Fox News crowd. I can say about liberals now too. I used to always talk about the bubble that they were in and conservatives, of course, are still in a bubble, but so are liberals. And that's just a different kind of bubble. And that's sad about radical thing I can think is that I'm middle of the road these days politically, because both ends are so ludicrous. Yeah. That for once I say, oh my God, I'm not that good.

All the road is the most radical thing I can say because I'm so neat. You know, it's funny because, you know, not so funny. It's not funny. But what is kind of funny though is that even though like when you read 15 papers or even me just a few or none some days, it does seem like everything is flowing apart. And yet when you go outside, life goes on. Life looks life in America. No, I passed it. I just came back from Paris. The city was alive. It was, they recovered better than we did. Really?

I mean, it was the whole city, a lot of people everywhere, every cafe filled, you know, completely here. You go downtown in San Francisco. Now looks like, beginning of Bo is afraid. Have you seen that movie? No, but I, you should. It has some really great shit.

What is, what is it? Bo is afraid it's walking Venus, but it's three hours long. He's going crazy through the whole movie. But it's patty lapones great in it. No, that, I mean, look. They're all too long movies. I always say the same thing.

They all need an editor. You gotta kill your children. You have to have the guts to do it. You know, just get over yourself. But now they have to be taken seriously. They have to be too long. They have to be too long, which to me, all my movies, there should never be a comedy longer than 90 minutes.

90 minutes. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. There's no good thing as a good long joke either. No. I hate shaggy dogs. And also like very often comedies, like, you know, just silly comedies. But ones I've enjoyed,

there's really only a half hour that's good. It's a half hour to get into it, which is like, I don't need it. You should be three. For my old days, it's 16-millimeter film. Beginning, a middle and three acts. That's 90 minutes. But only the middle act is good,

because the first act is about Who they are? How does he you know black night? Why is he a black guy in the middle ages because he drank this water? I don't he's that's the funny part get him in the middle ages with the Celtic jersey on that's okay, and then the last half hour is resolving the plot. I don't give a shit How he's gonna make it work with the hero. It's what makes it hit. The first 20 pages they are saying. We'll always look at your movie, Meg,

because that's all the executives read. But the last 30 pages of what makes it a hit. That's what makes them out of the movie video. That's such a wise thing. It's true. I've said this before to people who were asking me about screenwriting, like, first of all, why are you asking me?

I'm not a screenwriter, but I did try a number of times. Of course, we did everything when we were young and had that kind of time and energy, and also idleness and nothing else going on. And anyone can have a good idea for a movie. Sticking the landing, that's where the pay dirt is. Most of the movies they get made don't have a satisfying ending. Well, they test them so much now, that's where the pay dirt is. Most of the movies that get made don't have a satisfying ending. Well, they test them so much now. That's the thing. That because of fatal attraction, the first movie

that ever changed the ending because of a test screening, then they think and it worked. Does that right? Now they think that every movie you can make a hit. Well, if that's true, there would never be a flop. Right. Also, like something that would be a satisfying ending, I guess, to a certain audience wouldn't be to me. You know, a real, actually. I like feel bad French movies with frontal nudity. Well, who doesn't, John? I know.

That's what I mean. I like a feel bad movie. Because I feel good. I like to go in and have movie horrified me or come out there and really like that. I like that. I feel like the best ones are not they don't feel bad, but they but they can be sad, they can be serious,

but they also aren't like so earnest. That's what I mean. That it's just about like now. Someone learned something so obvious. They lose it and they get it back and learn something. They used to be able to make it. That works. That is the thing that works in scripts, but it's what does the first act.

They have something they lose it in the second act and they get it back and learn something in the third. That is a hit like what? Every movie like what hairsprite and the musical. She is the guy I see. She lose the boyfriend. She gets them back and wins. Doesn't work with virginity though.

Well, these days you can days, it might because you can sell it back up. Fix it back up. Switch it on and put it on your head. Do anything you want. What do you think about all that? Or are you talking about that? Well, no, I'm talking about it.

Actually, sewing on body parts. Because. What to do it's fine. Of course, I'm not saying it's, we shouldn't be able to do it. I'm just saying, I feel like they're very cavalier about how, where we are medically. I understand why it might be.

It's a lot easier to take it away than put it on. It's not easy to do either when. Well, it's not easier. Anything you do to your body that's radical like that is going to compromise your health in a very big way. Everything in the body is holistically related. Are you and me, but then otherwise you mind, you know, seeing, okay, we're not gonna get into it. And that's and that's summit. That's to be considered. I agree.

But I feel like this part of it is not even considered. It's just like, oh, well, we'll snap on a penis. No, you won't. Well, that just snap that doesn't that's rare. Because that really doesn't work so well. Or either way, you're doing something that your body, it's going to have a medical repercussion down the road. I can't say, throw that on the... I can't say, throw that on the... If you want to go ahead and do it, I'm not saying that, that's not the issue, John.

Yeah, I'm not saying... Does it bad for you? But it also is kind of amazing though though that you can find a doctor these days who will do anything for you. I was reading about somebody who won Michael Jackson, you always could. Yes, right. Good point, Michael Jackson.

I always find a doctor that will give you what you want. If you doctor's up and you have enough money. Did you see the Ken guy? Some guy wanted to look like Ken, including having a Barbie doll crotch. That's from headwigs. I know. I know. But so, if anybody wants to have, I don't care. And if you, it's your body, if you want to screw it up or it makes you, maybe it's worth it to somebody.

How great is that? He's great. Oh, he's great. He's my friend too. You know him. John Cameron, he's great. He's my friend too. You know him. John Cameron. Yeah, he's great. No, we met one. But that musical is great. I saw it the closing night one, all four of the people who played a headwig on Broadway came out at the end and did it was really great. I saw it out here in LA. Yeah, it was. It first started, you know, a punk rock club just that I absolutely.

It first started, you know, a punk rock club just that I absolutely. Yeah. But I mean, the score. Yeah. Is. Yeah. That's great. And even today, he probably gets a little trouble for political correctness because it's maybe not so politically correct today and how radical it was when it first came out.

Everything. I mean, even Pinkflemingo, you know, you can't say the word fat anymore. Right. But you can't be it. And my favorite thing is, you can't say the word fat anymore. Right. But you can't. And my favorite thing is that you can't say manhole anymore. You have to say maintenance hole. So I'm like a threat person when I'm trapped in an elevator without a people I start shouting, mate, manhole, manhole, because you can't say it anymore.

So it's, it's crazy. And that's, that's why I say I'm in the middle. You can't say, uh, and that's supposed to say white paper. The one I heard on the radio the other day that someone still said white trash, which you definitely cannot say anymore. White trash? Yeah. That's the last acceptor. I didn't think it wasn't. Yeah, but you know, I heard it on the somebody saying the other day, I could almost guarantee if you said white trash, like we're saying right now, nothing would happen because everything is about teams.

You can't call trash anybody. No, I think you're wrong. You can, as long as you're making fun of the people who are on, if you're white trash, you could. No. If you are a trans, you can make trans shirts. No, a black you can make, but a jub is the same way.

Mostly. No. That takes part of the pressure off. I'm kind of school you on this. As long as you're on the team of the woke, you can't make fun of the things that they prize. As long as you're making fun of the stuff that the woke, the kind of people of the woke fight against, which are a white trash, I can make a thousand fat jokes about Donald Trump, you'll never see a complaint on Twitter

because the woke are the ones who do that. The conservatives, they may not like the fat jokes about Donald Trump, but they are a lot easier about just brushing it off their shoulder. And if you did white trash, they would be like, I wouldn't say it again because I know it isn't funny anymore to say white trash. I mean, Roseanne can say it.

Why? Because it's just not funny anymore because it's not new, it's old, and it's like. What about redneck? Redneck you can say. Especially if you were. Why, isn't that the same stuff? Well, that's not saying the word trash.

Right. Trash is looking down at the view of less, that's not saying the word trash. Right. Trash is looking down at the view. I feel less than other white people because you're poor. Yeah, I feel like white trash should be able to be used to describe a certain type of person of any race. The way Kant can be used to describe an ad. As you know, in England is like the nice symptoms or that you silly thing.

And here it's like the worst thing. But they don't take it literally. In other words, you don't hear when we say, Kant, it's a very bad word about a woman. In England, Kant is like, you silly idiot. Right. Yeah. It's not even obscene or like, well, that's what I think white trash should be.

I don't. And I think white trash is just a dated word that doesn't work anymore for human. Okay. Well, I'm not going to push it. But, well, I know you have to go to a book site. I'm going to go to book soup, one of my favorite book shops in the world. I'm going to love that you are always on the go. And then what, you're going to go to a great... I've got a San Francisco to march to do the San Francisco lecture with an Aubrey Aubrey Plaza is interviewing. Oh, I love her. Oh, and then I go home and then I go back. What about tonight? Well, I said we meet up at the Abbey. Because I get leave at 70. Oh, so what? We'll do some poppers. We'll go to rage. Oh, about grade 11. Oh God.

go to rage. Oh, about grade 11. Oh God. No, next time I see you when I do your show, which I think I'm doing in the fall, I want to tell me if you did pop. Okay. And then we're going to go to the open fist. Oh no, it's closed now. What was the one I like? The spotlight. That was the last one. I took a New York Times there once. And we did to do an interview with Johnny Knox on I we did our interview with the spotlight right before it closed. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you. This, you know, I never do this. I love it down. I know. It's been a great. A whole angels play. They took me to theirs and Baltimore. It was great. The house angel. See everybody loves you. I like, yeah, it was great to be in there. And they had axes on the wall. I said, what are they for? They said, in case.

Yeah, it was great to be in there. And they had axes on the wall. And I said, what are they for? They said, engage. What I have, that just stupid question. In case one, I didn't have to ask. Club, Brenda. All right, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I'm so glad you did this. You know, I never do this on a Monday. Club, Brenda. Do this on a Monday.