Club Random with Bill Maher - Martin Short | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: January 28, 2024

Bill and Martin Short sing Sinatra's A Man Alone, the biggest A-lister Bill has upset, why the left can't keep their right-leaning friends, Kanye’s new platinum teeth, Bill's North West joke that Marty loves, Marty’s imaginary TV deal at age 14, how Bill manifested his dream of being on TV, the time of day when Bill thinks morbid thoughts, Marty's diary the day Kennedy was shot, Gavin Newsom on Real Time, why Bill never liked Marilyn Monroe, and the genius of Dana Carvey. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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go 1-866-531-2600 or visit connexontario.ca. Please play responsive. You kind of have a history of like turning things down. Yeah. Right, that you should have, what is that about? A fear, I think. Club Randal.

We have had unbelievable lines where there have been people that laughed and the laughs we've had. Club Randal. We have had unbelievable lines where there have been people that laughed at the last we've had. Clarendon. How are you? I'm good. Hi, William. Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, please. Listen, for this kind of money, it's so exciting. See, I knew it, maybe. Because you give millions of dollars to candidates and to give me nothing to take an... And by the way, thanks for the Uber. I'm funny to say to this guy. I've given millions to Canadians.

You have? Well, I mean, when you play Toronto, the taxes are pretty high. No, you poor thing. No. Oh my God. So you finish like if you're playing 3,000 people, let's say an O'Keeffe Center or whatever,

you leave with nothing probably, right? Well, it's Canadian money, so it's practically worthless. That's nice of you. No. You're not to be invited back. No, I always love playing it, but yeah, well, that's every state, don't you? When you see your taxes, you in see.

I have no interest in money. Well, that's very Canadian. Well, it's also because I didn't grow up, I grew up with some money. My father was a big steel executive and so. And you have a lot of money. So you don't have to worry about money. It's the people who don't have money

who worry about money. Yeah, what's that about? That's so weird. It's like, I wanna say guys, just dip into your inheritance. But they look at me like I'm weird. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I love the fact, I was talking about this is something.

How much are you worth now? Let me guess. Well, first of all, even if I knew to the penny, I wouldn't say, well, here's what I will say that I think. What about, where's my rum? Rum. I had rum once. Here, this looks like rum.

Look at that, there it is. You mean this big giant brown bottle you couldn't find? No, I know. What'd you just ask me? How much you were worth to this cent? Oh, what's interesting though about that, I don't know exactly, is that when I was, I remember my first, like being in my first house.

It's like a high school drink, isn't it? Uh, no. Yeah. High school drink is like Southern comfort. Yeah, it used to be Ryan Ginger too when I was a kid. But like, when I used to reconcile the checkbook to the penny, to the penny, you know, the, I mean reconcile, what does that mean?

Like the checks come back, the checks you wrote and then they come back. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And you look at your own checks. Yeah. And I would, so I could have told you in, you know, 1985 or something, like how much money I had to the penny?

And if it was off, you know, I'd do something about it I that's what Steve said at once we were like in you know We had finished the show we're now in the private plane. We're flying along and I I said to him I Said did you used to like Like he he still can't believe you always says can you believe this plane? You know, he's been he still can't get you. He always says, can you believe this plane? He still can't get over how great it all feels. But he said, oh, he said in the early days, he used to be with a little calculator calculating,

you know, how much you'd made that night. I remember my father and you know, we have so much in common. Like, for example, we both think you're great. No, but like, so many things when I think about my childhood, I think about your autobiography, which is fantastic. I must say, perfect title also. But I must say, Colin, my life is a humble comedy legend.

But I remember my father doing, after church on Sunday, we would stop at the Sinclair station, the dinosaur gas. Yeah. And which ironically, since it comes from dead dinosaurs, Corbin, you know. So maybe that's why they named the company that. But he would do the, we would pay for the gas, which was probably 29 cents a gallon or something. And he would have mileage.

It was on the back of an envelope. He kept an advisor up there, and he would take it down, and there was a pencil, and he would figure out the mileage, how much gas was going, whatever calculation it was, whatever 29 cents it was going to save him. It was very important that he do that every second. No, is that because he was worried about money or just didn't want to waste it? Both, you know, just like an obsessive about,

he grew up in the depression. People who grew up in the depression do tend to. Oh, absolutely. You know, be just very, you know, my father. It is also interesting that generation, they weren't concerned about, you know, was this fulfilling, they were just trying to get food on the table to feed their children and feed the family.

Yes, yes, and, you know, when you've gone through that, I've been saying to somebody here recently, I'm so glad that I had the experience of poverty. I didn't like going through it, but I'm very glad I had it because it makes everything true. Well, how poor were you? I mean, you weren't poor.

Poor, and it's funny, you don't, poor, like, by any definition of poor. You're talking about when you're a young man out of the house. Yes, yes, by any definition of poor in America, not poor in the world. No, you can go to Cuba. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...

I'm sure there is. I'm sure there is a difference. There's so much of a headache to poor people. Yeah, right. I know. Poor people. Yeah, the bill hovels. Yeah, I got it.

Shanties. Okay, yeah, dirt. We get it. Good, good, good, good. But in America, if you consider living in shitty apartments, I mean the worst... Yes, I had the first step above homeless. Just the horrible apartments, bugs, no shower, really humble.

And also just having to watch the penny. I used to, my first year in comedy, I would go home on the weekends because I couldn't get on at the clubs on the weekends. That was for the big acts. I couldn't get on the week either, but I was at least possible. You know, you could go on at two in the morning

in front of a drunk. But so I would go home on the weekends and I would, my mother would save the newspaper all week and I would read them over the weekend to save a quarter to buy the New York Times every day That's poor. That's poor. So how much would you be making a week? Nothing from comedy yet. Not the first year. Nobody has hired you to do any, you know And if you went on at Catch a Rising Star you got

Cab fare and a hamburger. So at some point I was starting to get that, but it's hard to live on cab fare and a hamburger. Although I feel like I did. See, mine was the opposite. So my, you know, I was still in our family house after my parents had died, because my mother died at 17, my father died at 20, and I was the youngest of five.

So, but we still had a housekeeper. So I'd say- Wow, you had a housekeeper? Oh yeah. So I said to like Phoebe Harris, her name was, and Phoebe would say, now you're going out tonight, do you need, I said, I'm bringing some people back, but don't worry.

So we'd come back at 11, about 12 of us all drunken stoned, and there'd be a full tea service set up on the dining room table. You know what I mean? She wasn't quite understanding the group I was bringing back. Is this in the book? I must have missed this. No, I might have left that out. Seriously?

I don't know. I can't remember that. Because I don't remember that. What I remember is that you and I, it's like these parallel lives that we were living in our bedrooms in two different countries, like the thing with the tape recorder. Yeah, yeah. When I got that tape recorder, the Wallinsock tape recorder, that my father who worked in radio, he got it, you know, but it was like, you know, shoebox size.

Right. And I would tape the songs off the radio. I taped Johnny Carson's art fern sketches and transcribe them word for word. Oh, I used to write, because I had an imaginary television show in the book, and I would write a thing for TV Guide, highlights, bottom. Marty and Tony sing medley of songs that weren't nominated, you know, that kind of thing.

No, it was so, and I even had a goose neck lamp that I'd put up, because even then I knew I needed lighting. So I'd put it up and I'd record my show and then. Record? Yeah, I would, I was on. Video? No, no, no, audio. Audio, you have to take the recorder.

Yeah, I had a reel to reel, but I also had a little one with the applause on it. So I would stop and then. And then I would have, and then I would, I was even then at 15 into Sinatra, so I would like September of my years I would you know, but I had to sing in Frank's keys. So it go I Still have recordings of this

You know and I'm singing songs about songs and love ago Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do always been easy to do for a single man. Like now I listen to it and it's like perfect. I talked about this with Seth McFarlane recently, he's the third person in the world who knows this album. Is that true? Yeah, well who does? It was a, again. It didn't even really sell at the time, was Rod McHugh? Of course not.

It was a concept album put out in 1969 written by a gay poet, Rod McHugh, a gay poet. And it's a theme album. Now it's like perfect for me. A man alone learning... So not at the time would have said, I want to do the recording of that marvelous gay poet. Exactly. He probably would have said other things that were not politically correct. I don't think Frank would have done well in the age of wokeness.

No, no, I don't think so. I can't say you're a $2 broad. What's this talking about? I know, I used to, even that has changed so fast. I used to have a joke about Steve that I said, you know, Steve is so amazing because he, even when we go to a restaurant, he always knows the waitress's name. And what's amazing is that A, he knows their name,

and B, that they're all called Dollface. And you can't even say, you'd have to say a server now. He says Dollface? No, he does it as a joke. But I used to have a joke in our show, like at the end, because we kind of merged shows. I had my own show and Steve at a banjo show and eventually we merged them.

And you know, in my show, a woman would bring out a glass of champagne at the end and I'd say, I like my champagne, like I like my women, compliments of the Capitol Theater. And then someone came up to me and said, you know, you can't do that anymore. And I said, but everyone is laughing. Everyone is laughing at that. Why can't I do it?

Oh, you're so 20th. Laughing? Have you seen comedy lately on Netflix and a lot of the places that have some of the younger comedians. Laughing is, that's frankly kind of corny. Like doing jokes. I'm getting laughs. No, it's about feelings Marty. Maybe you should catch up with the times. About how you feel about things. I'd kill for it to be about feelings. It would be so much easier. I could bring up my parents. My parents died.

You lost everybody. I lost everybody. You could do the Victimiest Show ever. You lost everybody before their real time. Your brother, your mother, your father, your wife, all the most important people in your life. It's amazing that you perfectly balance between the right amount of grief and the like, no, but I'm still Martin Short and life does go on. Well, in a weird thing with my, you know, my wife was different. We were together

for 38 years. That's that horrible tragedy that I still live with. My parents and my brother, it was a weird thing. I don't know why, because what I knew with it at 20, I knew something that no one else at 20 knew about loss and death. So I think in that thing, you know, if I'd become a drug addict and a drunk, they would say, well, you know, because he lost his parents and brother. So what's my excuse? I don't know. No, I think that it just, for me, it was kind of, I don't know, it wasn't, you know, also 1970 in Hamilton

there was no, you didn't go to a therapist, you just rode your bike and tried to figure it out. And that kind of muscle, you know, protects you your whole life. Why do you think two 15-year-old boys who cannot understand this man's point of view at all, he's looking back on his life. He was 50-ish when he recorded it. And it's all about, you know, everything is very wistful about decades.

The girls along the way, there was a girl in Portland. Portland, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. We used to court on... Yeah, it's all about, it was weird back then. Nothing we could relate to. No, but but but also even in his album September of my years he's 50 talking about yes, but we didn't but that's not the one we clung to no no no no we love this man alone.

I know every word and also it can make me cry and there was yes and there was poetry that Frank read, not sang, in between, and some of it's very dark, empty. Empty is the sky. Empty is the sky. Yeah, then there's a song, but before that it's like empty. And then there's one about, I can just about get through the day, but then I make me nervous. Well by the way, that's kind of brilliant, isn't it? Not for any particular reason. It just sometimes catches you and follows you around like a woman when she wants something.

You remember that line? Absolutely. It was like, well, there's a little hint that the author was a gay guy who was like, oh, girlfriend, when you want something. No, I never interpreted that way. Well, no, now I do. Now that I know that I was a kid. Well, I think even as a kid, I understood the Rod McEwen angle, although maybe you think

they printed that back then? Would they even have said? No, no, no. Would they have said homosexual? No, no, no, he never would. I never knew he was gay. Till now? Well, no, no, he never, I never knew he was gay. Till now? Well, no, no, I'd heard Whispering's.

Right. In the last decade. Cause everyone's Whispering but Rob McEwen. I saw you at the Globes. Yes. You're such an A-lister. It's very nice that you would still slum here with your old comedy friends.

Well, I just wanna see how you're doing. Cause you're always, you're in those smoky clubs. Yeah, smoky clubs. No, you, you are, yeah, you're an A-lister. Wait a second, why, like your crowd is- Like you're not an A-lister. No. In what way you're-

Well, I don't know. Other than you don't know anyone. I know them. They don't wanna be with you. Some of them don't know anyone. I know them. They don't want to be with you. Some of them don't. Yes, that's true. Who's the biggest A-lister you've pissed off? There are woke assholes who, like a lot of this town are woke assholes actually, who

like they really think their shit don't stink and they don't know a lot again about stuff, but they definitely know what they should know. And people who don't agree with that, they just don't wanna be around. They don't wanna breathe the same air. And you know, it's not like I'm a Trump or something. I mean, those people they wouldn't even talk to. And I think that's a very bad thing for this country

when you don't talk to each other. No, it's insane. But there is an insanity also about facts don't matter anymore, the alternative facts approach. On both sides. Yes, worse on the right, and they invented it. Yeah, but you know, I do think that's different. You can say on both sides everything, but when it's here and here.

No, no, no. Well, I mean, yes, I always say, the right is worse. It's still worse to deny democracy, but, you know. It's not even democracy billed. That's conceptual to a lot of people who don't understand it. It's denying January 6th. It's denying just the alternative facts. Yeah, absolutely.

Well, I don't think anyone was harder or meaner on Trump or more Pressy into about how he was not going to leave office. So really what my my I watch as you know, I'm a fan I know and I watch you every week and you said that you were the first person to say it and Everyone would be on your show saying well. Yeah, they were all poo-pooing. Yeah. Yeah There was so much poo-poo around that stage. And it's only because in fairness to the poo-poors, it seems so improbable. It seemed like a fact that they would go even Donald Trump wouldn't have the capital storm. It was so obviously inevitable. Yeah. He's not a guy who changes. No, the one thing you can say about Donald Trump is he's transparent.

But here's what they say to that about, like, you know, denying facts. And I understand it to a degree because I spent a long time lecturing the Republicans on how ridiculous it was to deny what was happening with the environment and global warming. And now I have to talk, and they would say, well, you know, climate change is just a theory. And now there's people on the left who think that biology is just a theory. You know, it's that kind of stuff. Men can have babies kind of stuff that makes people go, Trump is nuts. That's true.

We know that. But this is a different kind of nuts that's closer to my house because my kids are coming on from school and they're like, am I queer? Because it's great that we could let kids come out and be themselves when they are, but it's gotten a little like entrapment with the FBI. A lot of times they catch a terrorist group, the FBI, and it turns out, well, these guys really weren't going to do anything, but an FBI agent got in there and kept suggesting it.

Wouldn't it be great if you showed the Infidel a thing or two by blowing up that bank? I could get you some explosives. This is called entrapment. Right. Okay, so it's like, because we have this principle that you shouldn't punish for just accepting the suggestion because the suggestion is a little leading. I think that's somewhat what goes on in schools. That's what some parents are complaining about.

It's like, we're not against homosexuality, but when every book is, you know, Bobby can wear a dress, the kid gets it in his head, you know, and it's a confusing time. I mean... No, no, no, I'm saying I know many, you know, I raised my kids in the Catholic schools. You did? Not intentionally, but the school was close to us and it was the best school.

It's always the best school. Yeah. And so we said, and then I didn't realize, of course, because I went to public school that, you know, by eighth grade they want to go to high school with their friends. So suddenly they're all in high school, Catholic high schools. But I have a lot of good friends who are Republican, who are Catholic, and they don't like Trump. They don't like him, but they think the left is nuts. Exactly. That's what they always say to me.

What you don't get about us is we don't like him either, but he's a bulwark between this kind of crazy stuff, because he just looks, you know, he wants the old America and there's some bad things with the old America. But now it's different, Bill. Now, this is not Trump in 2016. This is really, really, really unleashed Trump. And it's more, I think...

I think he's exactly the same. He was... Everyone's going to be Stephen Miller. If he's exactly the same he was it was everyone's gonna be Steven Miller If he's reelected president, it will be it will be well It's definitely gonna be worse because he already at least a phonic will be VP You're gonna have Steven Marger secretary-state Marger Taylor Green well like an opportunistic infection He has learned and what from the first time he has grown stronger as infections do. No, he's not the problem. He's mentally unstable. Very much.

It's the people around him that should be ashamed. The Ted Cruz, the Josh Holt. Maybe they should be ashamed, but it's very much about him. It's all about him. It's so funny. Like when Biden was elected, the whole deal kind of was like, just vote for me. I know I'm not perfect. I'm this old dude. Nobody really likes me. But here's the deal. If you elect me, we can stop thinking about Donald Trump. That's not... What we do still is think about... He's out there every day. It just never stopped. I don't think he...

You know, I'm kind of obsessed with CNN and, you know, all the networks that... Not, you know, but I'm news obsessed. But even in the last month, I thought, okay, let me guess. Trump, Hunter. Okay, I can't do it. I need a... Why do you still watch all that news? It's bad for you.

I know it is. No, I'm shocked. I never watch cable news anymore. Really? Or any news, I used to watch the nightly news for years. Would you get your information, make it up? I talked, I'm hearing, that's it, I'm hearing. It's whatever I'm hearing.

What I'm hearing. Well you need more than that? No, you don't, no facts, no facts, I'm hearing. No, from reading, don't. No facts. No facts. I'm hearing. No. From reading. Reading people I respect.

Right. You know, I'm the newspaper. I'm much as... I don't want to get started on the New York Times, but that's just not the paper it was when I was a kid, and it's annoying in a zillion different ways. But they still have... Yeah, but that's like an older guy. You know, when I was a kid...

No, no, no. The paper was what I liked. Well, I could actually show you passages from...because sometimes I've saved things, when I was a kid. No, no, no. The paper was what I liked. Well, I could actually show you passages from, because sometimes I've saved things and I look from passage from 1990 to something they would never write today, and then they write stupid things today. It's a completely different generation that has a completely different idea about journalism, and the opinion page is every page.

That is a fundamental difference. I did not change, Mr. Short. They changed. The front page used to be just the news, just give me the facts. The headline today was something like Trump's victory, something the nation's psyche. What the fuck are you... That's not a headline. What was it?

That your lead... It was like Trump's... Trump's... He just won Iowa. Yeah. Trump's victory, like something... I forget what, something in the nation's psyche. Oh, you mean... So, yeah, I see what you mean. So, it's like an's victory, like something, I forget what, something in the nation. Oh, you mean, so yeah, I see what you mean.

So it's like an editorial as opposed to just give me the facts, ma'am. That's just somebody's thought. That's different and fucked up. So what's your favorite newspaper? Where do you get your favorite? Oh, I don't have a favorite newspaper. They don't, USA Today probably, but I very rarely see it. Jay Leno used to call it America's school newspaper.

Such a perfect description of it. But I don't know. I don't get it from newspaper. I like the free press. That's my friend Barry Weiss, her organization. She is fantastic. Yes. She and her wife are amazing writers and

She's a great podcast. Yeah, it's the whole thing is and they have writers I like I love Andrew Sullivan is on my first. I love it. Yeah, I mean people like that who are sensible They're all liberal. They're all by any standard, liberal. Well, Andrew, I thought, was conservative. You know, I think he's pretty, he was, again, they switched the goalposts. I think he's always been, yeah, a little right of center. He is a devout Catholic. But, you know, he's, I don't know.

I don't remember where he was in 1990 or anything, but I think he's always been a sensible guy. Maybe he, you know, people change a little, but no, I just think he's reacting as I am to the times and to the changes on both left and right. No, I know, I totally agree. I actually agree. No, I do, I do.

I agree that it's a struggle. That's why I, you know, a lot of people can't keep their, if they're left, they can't keep their right friends. And I totally think that's a mistake. Well, that's what I'm saying. Yes, that's horrible. And, and, but I also understand the frustration from the right to the left and left to the right,

obviously, left to the right. But to get back to what brought this up, you asked me, like, are there people in this town who would... Oh yeah, that was a... Yeah, at the... No, I think I asked you. Who's the biggest A-lister you've pissed off? That's what we started.

Right. I can't think. I don't know. I don't know directly, but, you know, in general, you just know. I mean, I've had some pretty famous actors here, and it's like they live in a different reality sometimes. Artists, like, thinkin' ain't their big thing, a lot of them.

It's what, with notable exceptions, but like, they perceive reality like artistically. I've known this, I've dated artistic, like dated women who are artists and it's like, okay, the way we just get information and process it is very different. It's an artistic interpretation. And I can't live in that world. I like reality, you know?

And you're a very reality-based star. And a great star, as Don Rueckles would say. You're a great star. Thank you. Well, this is so weird reality-based star. And a great star, as Don Rickles would say. You're a great star. Thank you. Well, this is so weird to be a star. But you are one of the few celebrity panel, we have on the panel, we have on real time, very few celebrities do the panel.

You can do, anybody can do a one-on-one and it doesn't, but you can go from crazy man, you to like in 30 seconds, you're making a really salient, serious point. That's a skill very few people have. That's why very few celebrities do the panel. I mean, most of them don't. Are they scared to do it?

Of course. And they should be. They're idiots. Well, this is why the A-listers don't like you. Because you call them idiots. Well, they are. Well, not all of them. There's a few.

Well, of course, there's idiots in every industry. It's just here they speak. That is true. It's like, no, and they're all just so indoctrinated into kind of like the same group think. You just really need to chisel the prior way in there and try to get like just some other thought and you know it's okay but yes that is one reason why.

Well we started with me at the Golden Globes and I'm on the A-Lister. That's how we started. You are such an A-Lister. You're at these things. You're in the company. Well because I'm nominated. What am I supposed to not show up? I know but I'm just saying your whole, I'm trying to give me a compliment.

I know you are and I'm not accepting. I know and it's, look I'm not accepting. I know. Look, I don't miss this at all. I remember all the years I went to the award shows, oh my God. And you could not wait to get home and rip off that fucking monkey suit and eat some food. And it was just like stop smiling. It was exhausting, not like I'm complaining about my life.

Yeah, I know. I know. It's been a horrible day. Yeah. about my life. Yeah, I know, I know. It's but a horrible thing. And you're in a taxi, you know, and you're surrounded by a chair. The next day when I was in the shale mine with the pick, I was like, this is better. No. Okay, I understand how privileged I am. Okay.

But it was gross. I will tell you, the Golden Globe this year, it was... I don't miss that world. It was insane how many famous people were there. And maybe because of the, I don't know, it's the first award, I don't know. It was packed with every table was legendary. Yeah, biggest show business was fired for six months

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I killed it here, something interesting. That's so cool. I know it isn't. No, it isn't. Are we gonna say? It's filled with love. It's filled with love. You know I love you. I do.

We have dinners. You know, Ladolce Vita is back. I was there just recently yeah it's hipper I I didn't see a big change except the carpet was that really there's a carpet I tell you the closer six months putting a carpet playing a detective really paid off thank you so much I'm no fool yeah like I'm looking everywhere. But, um, oh, and, you know, even though, or who you're up against, you're up against somebody who beat you, but it's like... Oh, I lose all that to the bear.

Not the bear. Yeah, I guess I got... Jeremy Allen White. I got to catch up with the bear. But, um, it's so... The whole concept is so silly. Like, just to... The competition... why is it,

like two completely different universes and we're trying to compare them. I know, I know. It's all promotion for you. It is, yes. No, Madonna once said it to Kanye West. I read, she said, you don't go to an orange show expecting justice.

And that's really the, you know, so. Kanye had all his teeth removed, I heard, today. Are you, is this a... No, no, and putting a platinum like the Bond villain. No, I'm serious. I'm serious. Wait, had all his... I know I have all my facts, but platinum teeth or something. Had all his teeth removed?

Yeah, I did. It always amazes me when people do cosmetic things that have serious repercussions for actual health. Well I've always been amazed by tattoo because I look at myself in the 80s and I have like Robert Culp glasses and a Beaver Cleaver hairdo and I think, what if I had tattooed that look on my face in 1982 and that was the look for ever? I know, could there be anything stupid

than to lock in your feelings in ink at the age of 20? That's right. But of course, that's it. You know, it was one thing you said that was really, I've quoted a million times, about, you said, when I was 12, I wanted to be a pirate, but I'm glad my parents didn't cut off a leg and take one eye out. Yeah, I know. But that was the trans thing, and look, we don't want to get in on serious

issues here. You're a big star, you're a fantastic star. By the way, I didn't say you did, I'm an A-lister. You are an A-lister. And you, you know, and I don't think it's just because you're a power couple with Meryl Streep. I mean, that's certainly. You're not a couple, we are just very close friends. Oh. Yeah.

Well, you should because there's nothing more powerful than Hollywood than a power couple. That's why they always... Work for the Bertons. They always worked for Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. It worked for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Everybody, they're like an electron... Roseanne and Tom Arnold.

And a proton. Like, they need to... They circle each other until they... I'm not quite up on the chemistry, but... She was gonna say it was like but there's something about it. It's like being with a scientist. An electron and a proton have to find each other. And they just have to find each other.

And they do. Because look at Timothy Chalamet and Kylie Jenner now. And by the way, I know you don't think so, but they're going to last. Yeah. Somebody had a joke. Because if they break up, I gotta look in the mirror in the morning and say, what do I believe in anymore? Somebody tried to sell me a joke.

I didn't do it. Maybe I should have, about when Rihanna and ASAP Rocky got together and the joke was, and that's how I predict this will end, ASAP, Rocky. And that's how I predict this relationship will end, ASAP and Rocky. I know what a great joke, I remember a great joke you did years ago,

when you, I guess Kanye and Kim named their first child Northwest. Northwest, yeah. Yeah, and you said, I can't, and you know she's gonna be an actress. And I can't wait for the casting director to come in and say, you know, I'm sorry we've gone in a different direction. I said that. Yes, it's a joke for yourself. I have zero recollection of that. That is great.

Yeah. Well, I have some great monologue writers. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, I have some great monologue writers. Oh my God. Yeah. It really, really, really is a great... It's a perfect concept. You know, as you know, I used to do politically incorrect with you. I don't know that.

You don't remember that? Do you remember that sign? What sign? That sign right there, that giant politically. It was there. I was on with Sarah Ferguson once. Sarah Ferguson? Princess. Princess?

Oh. Yeah, the Duchess of York. I got in trouble on a show. Yes, you did. That was the one. Let's not go into it. Okay. We don't need to go into it.

But I will tell you, you said something was a little controversial. Yeah. More than a little. And then you turned to me and said, aren't you gonna say anything? I said, I'm not gonna say anything. Yeah.

Well, you were always more mature. Oh, that's what I was gonna say. Like you and your room, me and my room. Now, my room was like honestly not much bigger than this configuration we're sitting in now, just this square. I literally was able to paper my wall once with something I made. Okay, so I'm in my room and you're in your room and you're actually doing a show. You're dreaming of show business, but actually doing a show.

I had a deal with NBC as 14. Imagine. And even then, I knew I was on Tuesdays at 8 p.m., but every other Tuesday, because I needed time for my film career. Oh, what? I used to sit on the back of a bus. This is true. A back of a bus, you know how a bus,

like the backseat window is like that? Yes, I know a bus. Well, I don't remember. I remember of a bus, you know how a bus like the backseat window is like that? Yes, I know a bus. Well, I don't remember. I remember I was poor, unlike you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little Lord Fauntleroy. And, but I used to pretend I was in a private plane. And wave.

No, it was so imaginary. Wow. Okay, but here's the difference between us. I think, I don't know, maybe you did the same thing. I did not have my own show in my little room. We were both dreaming about show business. I channeled it differently. What I did, beginning at the age of 12, was masturbate.

And the fantasy was always that I, at 12 years old, had a talk show. And it was in a tent in the book. You were masturbating. Yes. I had a talk show. I'll wait and see. Let me understand how this works. It was in a tent in the book. You were masturbating. Yes. But not to a pretty girl. Oh, yeah.

Masturbating to all the guests who were coming on my, or who were fans or whatever. But I imagined I had a kid with a talk show. That was like the hook. And it was in a tent. We shot it in a tent in my backyard. And this is why you're masturbating? Yes, because you have to have a scenario when you're masturbating, don't you?

I consider myself one of the saner masturbators in the world because I have no weird fantasies. Mine were just like, oh, this super hot chick digs me a lot and wants to fuck me. I mean, that's healthy. But what does that do with a talk show? Because why else would a super hot chick want to fuck a 12-year-old?

Because, oh, you mean, you had that kind of power. I had a talk show. I had a show. I'm saying, you did your show in my room. I did mine in my mind and it was all about I think my Story is the story of a very healthy young man who would eventually end up in show business. I think your story is more Perverted and and it's not no no. Oh, it's odd. It's not no no no no no no no no master bait to like oh because I'm now

Johnny Carson and Angie Dickinson wants to have It's odd. No, no, no, it's odd. To masturbate to like, oh, because I'm now Johnny Carson and Angie Dickinson wants to have sex with me. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it is. And by the way, the perfect name. And why is that unhealthy? I didn't say, did I say unhealthy? Yeah, kind of.

I meant just sick. Don't confuse my words. I'm not a big, literate guy like you. No, you're not. Anyway, no. No, you are. I bet you. I'm not a big, literate guy like you. No, you're not. No. Anyway, no. No, you are. I bet you.

I shut up. I bet you. I'm drunk now. Fuck you. Oh yeah, you're Bill Moore. Who cares? I thought this was America. Yeah, where will my freedom go?

Well, you put, come on. One thing I love about your show with Steve, besides the fact that I've watched it twice, it just kills me both. No, you can watch that show twice, it's funny the second time. Oh, I thought you made just two episodes. Even though, no, I'm talking about your stand-up show. Oh, my stand-up show. The special, the special with Steve.

The other show I watch also, but I don't watch it twice because I know who the murderer is now. Okay, but you guys play red states. We play everywhere. You play everywhere, and we need more of that, not specifically for me, I'm not gonna do it, but people will go out there and the audience can be guaranteed an experience where they don't have to think about politics every fucking second and we don't have to shoehorn politics into every...

That is true. That is true. I do think that the audiences at this time, especially when you said don't watch network news all the time at CNN, they need a respite. They need to breathe in, breathe out, and not be told. And not have the audience be told, you're stupid because you don't agree with me. Especially with comedy.

Yeah. You know. So, I mean, I have a, like, I'll do a joke, an innocuous joke, like, you know, Steve and I are like, we're a team, we're like Trump and the My Pillow guy without the sexual tension. Yeah, that's an easy joke.

Yeah. That's a silly joke. Right. You can dip your toe there and it's, I'm just saying, we do different things. This is the exact opposite of what I'm doing, but it's ironic. We both attract a mixed crowd. You just don't know who in your crowd is for which side, but I guarantee you both sides are represented in that audience. I think so. But I guarantee you, both sides are represented

in that audience. And you're all, and I'm amazed that we play all these different states and the audience are all the same. Right. And they are a mix of political. Of course they are. Okay, but that's not the case with a lot of things

that are going on now. A lot of shows, there's no mixed crowd at Coachella. You know, there's not a bunch of fucking stuck up their ass Republicans there. What I do is, like, now I do get a more mixed crowd. It's still, I would say, 70, 30, but, like, that's good. Because that way, you know, the conservatives, they get their jollies laughing at making fun of stupid woke shit, and you know, the other people get there, Trump is an insane, horrible human being, and we can't have it again. And they all, they can laugh at each other's jokes against them, so to speak. And that is a greatly satisfying thing in my career at this point, to be able to attract

a politically mixed audience. And do you play every state? Do you play every state? I just probably have played every state twice. I think of you as playing every state. I, name a state you think I might not, I may not have been to- North Dakota.

Played it. South Dakota. Yes. I don't think I played Wyoming. I don't think I played Wyoming. I don't think I played Wyoming. I played Idaho. I played Boise. You go to Boise?

I don't think we've, I can't, you know, I don't. Were you too good? Why, because you're an A-lister? Oh my God, whatever. Here's the thing. First of all, in every state, there's going to be people that love Bill Maher. No, really, I'm serious. There are going to be a state. No state just has one...

No, absolutely. That's why I play all over and so do you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just saying, it's important now... What are you doing? ...cutting off the ash part. How come? How come? Because I don't want to smoke ash. You did in the old days. I love jokes that are just rhythm.

There's no meaning there. It's not a hidden meaning. Nothing, it's just, you pulled it off with just talent. Yep, thank you so much. No meaning. No, it had no meaning. No, just talent, just it looked like it should be funny. It was a yes.

Couldn't get a reaction and then people in the way home might say. Exactly. There's no joke there. It's like I'm what a con man does. I'm the way off the used car lot. There you go. What were we talking about? It was so important to me.

Playing different. I just think it's important that we not give up on the idea of as ridiculously polarized as we are, of trying to get back to some, I can sit next to the guy who, yes, even a Trumper, they're half the fucking country. You know what? Try to understand more than just condemn. I get it about him too. It's been eight fucking years now. Just kind of accept. Like like he's a liar.

Yeah, I know, I did 10 editors about that before, you know. It was hip to call him a liar. Well, just whatever. I mean, when he sued me, I had a whole big thing. Maybe it was before he was, anyway, point is like. What happened to that lawsuit? This is already baked in the cake. Can we move on to just.

But what happened to that lawsuit? It just gets thrown out by the courts. So what happens? It was hysterical. I mean, he was suing me because I said his mother was an ape. It was fucked by an ape. A orangutan. It was fucked by a orangutan. And then he produces his birth certificate in court to show that the mother wasn't... I mean, he really did that. At a time, right after he forced Obama to show his birth certificate. So I literally

forced him to show his birth certificate in a way that no sane person would have ever done. But I mean, does it get thrown out of court? How does it work? It went to court. He wanted the five million dollars. I said, I will give you five million dollars if you can prove your mother wasn't fucked by the rangitang. You said that. Yeah. prove your mother wasn't fucked by the rangitang. You said that. Well then, no I know, yeah.

And then he literally went into, I have the letter, I prize it, it's one of my prize possessions from the lawyer, Mr. Trump was legally married and they show the, I mean it's just insane that because he wanted his $5 million and the judge of course read it and went, get the fuck out of my court. Good. Good, good.

Yeah. That's one of the bad parts of our judicial system is that there's almost no penalty for just trying anything. Absolutely. Agree. And the appeal on top of the appeal on top of the appeal. But just, you know, like I can just say, you know, Martin Short is a cannibal. I happen to know it. I saw him eating human flesh. You and Hollywood, his A-list friends, you decide if you want to stand behind him, but I saw him punching our army hammer once just to get to a rib.

No, and he's not a cannibal either. But like, I could say that. And like, if then youth take me to court libel and like I am not accountable, I've lost work over this. I was doing a commercial for Kraft Foods, that went away. And you know. And would I win? Would I win?

The judge would throw it out probably, but there would be no the judge would throw it out probably But there would be no penalty on me for having done that to you it was it would be like hey, I took a shot Yeah, yeah, I knew it was bullshit. I took a shot job. You got me. Okay. I'll try to get in and that's why What if I'd lost work? What if I'd actually lost the craft service? actually lost the craft service contract. To hell with you. I don't know, you know, I mean obviously different cases result differently, but in terms of... And you're no big legal mind.

I'm not completely ignorant of it. Did I say you were ignorant? I said you weren't a big legal mind. Ethley Bailey and you are never used in the same sentence, let's put that way. No, but you were ignorant? I said you weren't a big legal mind. Effley Bailey and you are never used in the same sentence. Let's put that way. No, but you know what? I've learned, and this is, don't say that I'm on some sort of anti-expert diatribe,

but yes, that's true. We have become too skeptical of experts, but we should be skeptical of experts in general. I mean, I certainly feel like this is proved over and over again in the medical field, like doctors, you know, they disagree with each other. We obviously don't know lots of fundamental things like how do you cure cancer and why do you get it. Lots of stuff that is fundamental that we just don't

have a handle on yet. We're trying, but so don't come to me with, well, the experts, which ones? Because I can come up with experts who disagree and they have the same degree. I kind of go with the majority. You know, you're always going to find a doctor that says blank. Not just a doctor. I'm talking about three... But if it's 3% versus 97%, I'm gonna go with the 97%. Well, it's not 3%. Well, let's say it is.

It's not, it's not... If you get something and you go to a doctor, they, it's something like complicated, they will always say, get a second opinion. That's true. And okay, well, why does that work for you personally, but not in general? Because I think there are second opinions.

Exactly, there are second opinions. It's not 3%. Because I've had this happen and it's never the same opinion. In fact, it's very often the exact opposite opinion. So I'm just saying, experts, and legally too, I don't know, I'm not a lawyer, but I just know that the legal system is never about the truth. It's just about what you can prove. And if you have the money to keep hiring the lawyers.

The money, who the judge is that day, what his biases are, what did he have for breakfast, you know, lots of things. You're right, not a great legal one. But instinctively. No, the instinct's there. It's always been there. I'm not wrong. I did a special one, a stand-up special,

and that was the title, but I'm not wrong. I feel like that really stood the test of time. I feel like that a lot. Like people are like, oh, Bill, how can you? Yeah, I know, how can I? But am I wrong? Right? I mean, isn't that what people like about it?

Did you see the poll? I'm like the most trusted man in America now. I could show you two. Is that true? Right? I mean, isn't that what people like about it? Did you see the poll? I'm like the most trusted man in America now. I could show you to. Is that true? Yeah, well, they did a thing. It was a headline. I'm gonna show it on the show Friday.

It's just like, you have the most trusted media like more than like Tucker Carlson and Jake Tapper and like, yeah, it was some poll. Well, I think probably because you go in both directions. And I mean, sections. Yeah, because I. No, I mean, you go in both directions because you don't, I mean, Tucker just defends one idea.

I say what I think about both sides. And both sides, you know. And I think that is a very, I mean, that's kind of what you've always done. It is what I've always done. It's just that in years past, the left gave me less to work with. They are the comedy fodder, the political parties.

And Obama was not funny, which was great. He wasn't a buffoon, and he wasn't crazy woke. He spoke, he has great quotes against, well, this woke shit is hurting us and gotta stop. That's not what, I'm a liberal. I ain't this other stuff. And so there was less to make fun of. Then around the time Gen Z becomes ascendant, and there's a guy who wrote a book about this, that's when you see just a real change in like sensitivity and just lots of stuff that went way into crazy town.

It is always a pendulum that kind of writes itself at one point, but it has to go over here, seems to land in the place of Muslim. But the problem is that we thought the millennials were where the pendulum was up here and it would backlash with the Gen Z. But actually the pendulum just went all the way up to the top. No, but even look at cancel culture. It is subsided, don't you think? It has not. You don't think so?

Of course not. I mean, all you have to do is, I was just talking about this with Harvey Levin on his thing tonight. Before you got here, it's just potluck. Some people, like they can say almost anything and they skate. And other people, you know, just, it's you I think could get away with anything. Not anything, but like- Is the whole A-lister thing? You have A-lister, great goodwill, funny, and you know, there's a humanity. You don't stay on the scene as long as you have.

Like, very people are working at your age of 87. 88, thank you. But thank you for going under. That's very kind. I bet you you will be working at 88. George Burns was? Yeah, I think you have to quit when the voice gets all shaking.

I think that's when you have to leave. I could do this all night, but just from my point before about modern medicine, like we get, we ramp romanticize how much better it is than it was in the past. Yes, it's great. We don't rub dirt and wounds anymore and stuff like that. Leading, leeches are up. We don't put, you know, wooden teeth in people's mouths, but that was not that one. Don't talk to Kanye. Right. He's got the titanium.

All back. Thank you. Right. But yes, we're the best we've ever been. We're still like at the beginning of really understanding how it all works. Besides the big diseases, there's like thousands of ones. They call them rare diseases that people get shit and they just don't. That's not even on the in pile. No, I know. Because we're trying to figure out these biggies.

And I mean- I was hearing a podcast today and Mark Ruffalo was on and I didn't know the story where he talked about having a dream, because he had an earache. He had a dream that he had a brain tumor, and then he goes to his doctor and said, I know I'm an actor and I had this dream, and he had a brain tumor.

Oh really? And he had a brain tumor. He lost hearing one ear. It was benign, but it, and affected his face. This is when he was like 33. And he found out about this because he had a dream about it? He had a dream about it, yeah.

And the dream was so convincing that he just thought, I know I'm being an idiot. And he kept thinking, I know the doctors think I'm a moron actor, but my doctor said, all right, we'll do a CAT scan and you'll see that it's just on your head. Right. And they had a mass.

And it wasn't in his head. It wasn't in his head. No, but it's an amazing story. And he said his wife's blood cap is... This is something you don't want to get. I don't want to get that. Right. No.

I don't know what I want to end up getting. You don't think about it. No. Come on. Why would we think about those things? I mean... Oh, I actually don't. I, you know, because I'm still, you know, I'm 73, but I'm not particularly aware of that. You know, I'm not like hobbling or I'm still running around on the stage in a nude suit, you know. And so I have no perception of that.

Okay. But you know the line, and not that everything revolves around a man alone, but you know the line and not that everything revolves around a man alone but except when the darkness comes, right? Yes, I know that. Except when the darkness comes. Yeah. I stay busy, I'm not morbid in general, but like when I get up in the middle of the night to pee as we all do. Not me.

Really? No, so once in a while. At your age you don't get up in the middle of the night. I just go in the bed. Ah! That was not what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be a positive thing. It actually turned out to be even more negative. No, no, no. I actually, go ahead. Let's hear about all your prostate problems. No, I'm just saying that's when I think morbid thoughts. I don't know why.

Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know why that moment of the day, I guess because you got up in the middle of the night, you were sleeping and then now you're not saying, you know, it's gonna have to get back to sleep. And yeah, that's when it's like things like that. And it's like, it's pointless to think about. See, I don't think about it.

I think more like, you know, Guy at LAX and, hey Grimly was my brother. You know, like Garp or something. I think about that. Oh. That's so funny. Morbid, but funny. Thank you.

Right, right. Somebody who- You never know. Right. Well, they don't usually assassinate, not to undercut your A-list status, but people quietly up your status. Not that you haven't done very well at show business, but you're just not on the Gandhi

level. You know what I'm saying? You're not Gandhi. According to you. You're not John Lennon. According to you. You're not Lincoln. You're not a friend of mine.

I know. You're not Abraham Lincoln. You're done amazing. You were an American cousin that night, weren't you? What? I'm not American cousin. Thank you. See, I'm a amazing. You were an American cousin that night, weren't you? What? I'm an American cousin, thank you. See, I'm a historian. I see.

Yeah. I went, I started a diary, you know, as a Canadian, but I started a diary the day Kennedy got shot. And it was a made up, like a diary, like I made the pages and did the lines, you know. And it's the opening is November 22nd. President John F. Kennedy was shot by some in quotes, not. Ha that in your childhood Canada was, it was much more of a different country. America and Canada became very similar. I mean just like a big blue state now.

Yeah, but it was like in your day like you couldn't get certain products that you'd see on the mass. Oh, Bosco. Bosco. When I first came, one of the first things I did when I went to Buffalo from, when it was supermarket, just squeezed that Charmin. It is soft, I thought. Why, because you didn't get it then? We didn't get Charmin, we didn't get Ipanna toothpaste, and we didn't get Bosco. And these were, I only watched American television through Buffalo, so I never watched Canadian

television, so I was dying to get these things. It is amazing that period in the early 70s when you were in Godspell and the amount of talent that came out of that, like, milieu, the Toronto, not just all the SCTV people, but like Victor Garber, right? And Paul Schaefer, and right, Gilda Radner. Gilda, well we all did this production of Godspell. Ivan Reitman, the director, wasn't he? Who? Ivan Reitman.

Ivan Reitman, I met him at McMaster University at school. Okay, I mean it's like, there was a real flowering. It was kind of a little bit like Paris in the 20s. I mean, there was all the... I remember meeting Danny Ackroyd and he just was always working on his car. Do you know what I mean? He was not... But I met Danny at Gilda's birthday in...

Because I have a slight rain man thing. It was June 28th, 1972. And now we were rehearsing God's spell and Gilda's birthday and Danny Ackroyd and his then comedy partner, Valerie Bromfield, played Gilda's parents from Detroit and stayed in character the whole night. And I thought, who are these people?

And then I remember now I was dating Gilda and I'd be driving her white Volvo and Danny and Valerie would be in the back and I deliberately get lost because they were so funny. I didn't want to let them, I mean, I had never experienced anyone who improvised on that level that those two did. You know, the best pot never leaves the home country.

You know what I mean by that? No. Well, like the best comedy is in the back of the car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No matter how much we try to bottle it and put it out for sale. And in your case, try to get more than just a hamburger at the Combi store. The best pot never leaves the country. That's what I try to do with this.

It has been such a joy to sit with you, because you know what? We don't get together enough because we're also busy with our own lives. What makes us get together is it's a job, not even a job. It's just like it's something formal. No, but you and I have had that. Many times. We've had dinners. I've had many. We're just, we've funnied each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying, would we just sit here and get drunk? Which is what I really want to do with you. Yeah. We don't do that. So it's great. We... Hollywood.

Well, that means... Might be an offer. Yeah. That means it's time for our lightning round. Exactly. That's my old answering service. You should just have three words on it. Do you remember dates like that? You just said I'm sort of a rain man thing.

Yeah. Like June 20. You said June thing. Yeah. Like June, you said June 20th. Yeah. I remember dates. I'm not good at math, but dates stick in my mind. Oh, I, I... Once I know your birthday, I never forget it. I don't know your birthday.

March 26th. I'll never forget it. See? What is it? What? Well, that was too easy. Yeah, that was good. Come on. That was too easy. Yeah, that was good.

Come on. That was very good. That was professional. No, no, you're good. That was professional. You're good. I've always said you're good. I set you up like a fucking...

I know. I know. I know. I don't remember theaters, but I remember dates. I can remember... I would say to Nancy, you know, when do you think we first went to Paris? And she'd say, I don't know, 78, 82, and I would know the month and the thing.

On the same way, on the same way. I could name, yeah, and I keep a- And Steve and I will say something. Oh yeah, I remember that part of you had, it was 1989. He just looks at me and says, fuck you. Cause he can't- Also, if you name a movie, I usually can get the year. Like I usually can remember the year of the movie.

Okay, love story. 70. Very good. You agree? Yeah, no, I think it's 70. Yeah, or maybe 71. No, I think it's 70. Yeah, or maybe 71. No, I think it's 70.

Okay. Did you ever see one of the great... Raging Bull. Oh, Raging Bull would be 84. 80. Really? Yes. See, this is not my...

But did you ever see the Carobernet? Carobernet on their show did a great love story parody. And the premise was she's now collapsed and she's got the long hair. Hello, Preppy. And Harvey Corman came in and he's in full skates and hockey equipment because he was a hockey player in the movie. And he says to the doctor, how was she doing?

He says, she's got five minutes to live. He goes, oh, he says, hi honey, how are you? Can I get you anything? And she said, I'll have a four minute egg. And he goes, that's cuttin' a little close, isn't it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Does it hold up? No. The short answer, no, and I'll give you the longer answer. I wanted to show it to somebody, you know, who wasn't, shall we say, alive when it was made. Okay, so I don't know why it came up.

I think we found the book in my house. And it was, I just thought, oh, you know what, I got recheck this out, because I remember what a phenomenon it was. Oh my God. In that year. It was just like the biggest thing. It's like, oh, what the fuck is all the fuss about? And I watched it. I am a hard cry in life, but an easy cry in movies.

Like, I'm embarrassed at some of the movies that have succeeded in making me cry. There's a certain way. Mad, mad, mad world? No, no, that made me pee my pants because it was three hours long. But love story, nothing. It's for a story that's a tearjerker.

It is the least tearjerky movie ever. It's sad, but just not like the kind of sad that's like, oh, lots of things are sad. It's like, you know, like, which guy's the way you look at pork people? You're like, oh, you're sad, you're sad peasants, but I'm sorry, you know, I didn didn't I never lived your life. No, yeah Not my monkey, not my circus

Moving on No, well love story. I mean I think nothing. I just got it was like yes She what if you saw terms of endearment again? I did see that recently. Oh come on that didn't make you cry First of all, I didn't I remembered what I remembered from it was, again, this is 1984. That's correct. Thank you. Thank you, Alex.

And what I remembered, it was like the movie of that year. We were all coming all over this one. Okay, I forgot exactly what it was about. I remembered Jack Nicholson as the astronaut. Yes. And the one line I remember then, I remembered one line and I loved it again about, you know, he's with Shirley McClane at the restaurant. That's right.

Ordering a drink. You're gonna have a lot of booze to kill the bug that's up your ass. Yeah, that's the right way. Exactly. Remembering. Okay, so. But you the right way to remember that. Exactly. Okay.

So... But you didn't cry at the end? I forgot that the plot was, once again, America has this love story, no pun intended, with like, killing young girls. I was like, how do we get them sad? I have this perfectly healthy young girl, and then suddenly... Well, it was based on a book, as you know. Love Story?

Yeah. Eric Segal. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't have a love story, but... Love Story was a huge book first, Eric Segal. Yeah, Eric Segal. It was like this Yale professor. He did Jonathan Segal.

It was such a... It was like a hundred pages long. It's like this... The flimsiest thing, and for some reason America went apeshit over the story of Oliver. He's rich, a preppy, you know, and played by the gorgeous Ryan O'Neill in the movie. And like a big mansion house. And the father, Oliver, blah, blah, blah. Ray Maland.

Yeah. You're right, it was Ray Maland. Okay. And she's of course the Italian girl, was it, from the other side of the tracks? Yeah, low. Yeah, low of low stature, but great character. And of course they fall in love, and then the father,

I will disown you if you, she's Italian, we can't have an Italian in the family. But he changed his tune at the end. He did? Well, when she's dying, he became nicer to the sun. You know. I thought you meant pause. No.

No, no, no. Because wasn't he stepping out on her? I mean, after she got sick, not before. Oh, no, no, during, yeah. Well, you know, he's a guy. Well, come on, she wasn't able to put out. No, no, no, he was very loyal to her. Yeah. Ryan was great in that. He was very loyal to her. Yeah.

Ryan was great in that. And then he was great in Paper Moon. Yeah. And What's Up Doc? And What's Up Doc? With Streisand. That's a great one. That's a... A... Not just an homage.

I think it's a remaking of a... Bring Up Baby. Thank you. Yes. Look at you. Bring Up Baby. It made a 1936. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Do I have another rum and coke? I think you should have a double. Unless you have to or want to go. I never want you to be here if you don't want to, but I will tell you that I have an unadulterated view

that I would love to have you here more. Because I don't see you enough. I would come here every day. I'd live here if you'd ask. That's ridiculous, but can I make you a drink? No, no, I'll do it. Look what I'm gonna do. No, get your filthy fucking hand.

That's some Jerry Lewis. I know it is. Jerry would do that. I watched the Nutty Professor. Now, okay, let me ask you this. Jerry Lewis. I'm gonna name some famous comedians or comic, I'll name anyone. I'm gonna name some famous comedians or comic people.

I'll name anyone. And you have to give me on a scale of one to 10, 10 being the highest. For example, Mike Nichols. We're talking about comedians? We're talking about anyone, but Mike Nichols. Like I would go 10. 10 is high?

Yeah. Okay, I may be telling you. No, no, no, no, 10's low and one? Yeah. OK, I'm maybe 10. No, no, no. 10's low and one's high. I mean, what happened? I let this. Mike Nichols, yeah, well, I would certainly put it at a 9. Because like, did he have a period of greatness

from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, the graduate? I seem to remember. Those are the first two films, but then, you know. But like, Angels in America was good. Working Girl, you have. I'm not sure. I'd have to watch Working Girl again. Mike Nichols to me was someone in my life

that I knew for over 20 years, 25 years. And every time I was at a dinner with him, I'd pinch myself and I couldn't believe. Because when I always think that- Making my point about A-list, like there's nobody more A-list than Mike Nichols. Yeah. I once had an art opening and Mike said, where are you staying? And I said at the Essex House. And he said, no, but really.

No, I'm sorry I didn't get to see him do the comedy that that was before my time with Elaine May. I've seen some questions. All this great, I have great copies of all the sketches. It was so sophisticated. When I see stuff like that, I think it's rueful because it's like, damn, I kind of wish I lived in an America where the audience was that hip and sophisticated.

And that smart, yeah. Yeah. And I think, you know, that audience still exists in the country. It's just surrounded by a lot more red and extra idiots. Well, I don't think we... But there is still a sophisticated audience there. I mean, my audience is only, I mean, I can't imagine anyone who you wouldn't describe as pretty sophisticated watching my show. They just would not be interested, you know.

If they weren't sophisticated. You have to watch... Oh, absolutely. To watch my show, you have to know things. Or else it's just like they're speaking Chinese. And there are many people in this country... I'm not knocking them. I'm just saying, like, if we're talking about the, you know, ACLU and NATO, they're like, what's that?

That's okay. But your show's gotten even more, you know, I'm not intelligent, but I mean, for example, when you used to have three guests, it would be two smart people and, you know... No, I wish I had done that sooner and we got rid of the mid-show guest. Right. And it's just me and two people and one up top. I'm excited Friday, Gavin Newsom is the first. Wow.

Isn't that a great out of the box? Love him. Booking, but like, you know. Well, he's done your show before. Who cares about that? I've actually said. Who cares about the country? I'm talking about the booking.

Yeah, I know. But I've actually said, you cares about the country? I'm talking about the booking. Yeah, I know. But I've actually said about Gavin Newsen. I said, you know, look, it's show business guys. Right. I mean, Gavin Newsen, he's killed him Bill Maher. I would actually say that. Right, yes. Because he has.

And, yes. And, I mean, I've been trying to get him to run for president for ten years. And this is a guy who, like, I can't wait to talk to him because I think we can have a very friendly chat about some of the things that drive me insane about this state, and I'm hardly the only one. We have an exodus, you know, of, you know, some pretty heavy hitters from here. Is he gonna be the first guest?

Yes, no, we could put him on the panel with carrot top. No, that's the old show, we wouldn't do that. That was the old show. Yeah, but it could be. That was where I was on, that's why I was on the panel. No, you did. I was the carrot. I was your carrot.

But that's the compliment I was giving you before. Very few people. Politically incorrect was a, of course we had celebrities. It was mostly celebrities. The whole point of the show was a train wreck to see idiots talk. That's not real time. So the very few celebrities who made it the jump from, and of course they're

not idiots, it's just that people want to, for this show, it's like yes, it's that rarefied people who are still pretty sophisticated and they want to see an adult discussion and no, I'm not going to stop and explain what NATO is. That's fine if you don't know, I'm not criticizing that. But yes, and you're not insulted because you would not watch. That's one reason I wanted to do this podcast because this is for everybody. I mean, it is not like other podcasts.

Have you done other podcasts? I have done a few podcasts, yeah. They don't feel like this. Because they're in the day. Well, actually, most of them I've done, well, I've done I've done Conan And that's in a studio, but you know you got earphones and microphones and people and it's just much more like an actual show This to me is much more like like oh, that's the camera there. I see right. This is much. Oh, we haven't started yet

You know I do have a life I Have a lot of a list was waiting for what I do have a life. I have a lot of A-listers waiting for me in restaurants. That is not what I've heard. Well... Oh please, are you kidding? You can't book me. Oh, I know. Yeah.

Now, isn't it great at our advanced ages? I mean, both of us are almost 40 now. Yeah, I know. That we can be doing so well because mostly people fall along the wayside and maybe we were never like the top of the heap. Who cares? That place is gross in too many ways to make it livable anyway. And we just like the little engine that kept going.

Couldn't kill us with a stick. Couldn't kill us with a stick. And here at you know hovering 70 And I'm 73. I'm your senior. I mean I look better, but I'm You look like you've been carried out of Shangri-La not me carried out of Shangri-La No, that's a clever joke think about it. I Shangri-La. See, no, that's a clever joke.

Think about it. What's the opposite, carried into Shangri-La? When you're carried out of Shangri-La, you suddenly age. Oh, I didn't catch that. You'd have to have read. I know what Shangri-La is in general, and there was a famous movie in the 30s. Is it called Shangri-La? It's called Lost in Something.

Yes, and it's like one of the old-time classics. Ronald Coleman. Yes, I remember renting it from Blockbuster. The film was in such bad shape that like a ten-minute part of it was just the audio. And they just showed a still. And it was just like, sorry, this film is from the 30s. So it hadn't been... Somebody did not store it well or. Lost Horizon.

Lost Horizon. Very good. Lost Horizon, it was made in 1936. It's one of the, and so we just sat there watching, yeah, this still for 10 minutes with the audio, but I don't remember. Oh, I was saying, so Jerry Lewis, the scale of one to two.

Oh, well, the Nutty professor That's that scene where he he Convicts his tell his demons to fall in love with them. You know, yeah, where he like He meets her at the purple pit of people people remember the Eddie Murphy one Which was great too, but in the Eddie Murphy one the professor, you know He's fat and then the formula makes him thin and in Jerry's He was just that nerd of a guy and then he becomes like the ultimate like coolest handsome Yes, biggest eco maniac in the world with the slick hair and the way Jerry kind of saw himself

Nothing like the real Jerry Lewis in 1863 No, we did we did a parody of it on SETV called the Nutty Lab Assistant. Yeah, I'm sure I am. And I was Ed Grimly, and John Candy was the head of the set. I vaguely remember this. And then I took the potion, and then I became John Cougar. He was before Mellencamp then. That John show was so creative.

That was great. It was. There was never a better show. Never one that I look forward to more than SETV. We did, I remember, we would do anything we want. I remember one time, one of the writers, Paul Flaherty, pitched, Mom's Dearest. It was Mom's Mably beating your child. And it was just a camera coming in on the on the house and you hear you know Paul was doing mom's baby

I'm on the my different show and I'm But it's called mom's dearest explain it to the younger people there was a movie called mommy Mommy dearest, but and there was a big what year was that movie mommy dearest. Oh, I bet it was 1981 I don't know I that one I don't know yeah I bet it was 81 I'm not getting a number yeah usually I do but I would guess 81 but I think it's it was also a big movie it was huge it was it was it was about somebody real like Joe Crawford yeah right and she beat her children or whatever. She went with a mental,

no mental hangers. That thing. And you know, she was this monster mother that like she'd look out the window, you know, mask, because she was a movie star and her kids would be swimming and exhausted. And then the one little girl at 10 would want to get out of the book.

Quit her! You know, she was a horrible monster mother, that was supposedly. Her daughter, Christina Crawford, had written a book called Mommy Dearest. Because that's what she was called. I got to look up... So Mom's Dearest was Mom's... I got to rewatch all of that CCTV. It's been so long.

It was really long. Some of them I still stick in my mind. John Candy coming out of the sensory deprivation tank with the music thumping and the smoke. It's like I saw it yesterday. Did you ever meet John? You spin top restaurant on top of the... Yes, that was the nuclear plan.

That's right. I played Johnny Nucleo in that. Did you ever meet John? I put it in a spin top restaurant on the top. Well it was Towery Inferno, that was the top. Nuclear plant. I feel it's just a bad idea from the start. Am I wrong?

No, no, no. But did you meet any of those cast members? That's so funny, you say that. In 1983, Kara Leifer and I were two of the comedians on the Young Comedian Special. Probably my first time on HBO. That was an HBO thing and they would have a celebrity. That year it was John Candy.

Really? And he was the host of the show and, you know, they probably paid him a hundred grand just to walk out and say, and here's another nobody you never heard of was starting out, but he's one of the funnier people in the clubs. Right, right. And there I was in my little suit and did my little shtick about Catholic father and Jewish mother and you know whatever it was. And I was thrilled.

That's where my mind was. That was like, wow, I was nervous. He's a star. I've seen him on TV. I mean, God, I would love to find a way to get back into that head. Just for like, just for an hour, just to remember, you probably had thoughts that if you could do that and go back, you'd go, oh my fucking God, really?

That's what was rattling around in my brain? Yeah. Well, I mean, but understandably, why wouldn't you be nervous? Why wouldn't you be excited? I mean, that's... And he was sweet, you know, and we had to do a little sketch. He was fantastic.

He was exactly what you hoped he would be. Right, right. A jolly, fun, fat guy. And funny and funny and loose. And funny and funny and fat. Well, you keep going to fat. I see him as a spirit. Yeah.

Well, he was... You judge people. That's different. I don't judge, but I'm not blind to fat. I see him as a spirit. Yeah, well I see him He was you judge people that's different. I don't judge but I'm not blind to people I do you know and there's nothing wrong with that but I mean it was a great Problem with the fat Catherine O'Hara have you met Catherine problem the fat character is that you can't like lose weight And not also lose your character That's see I think put yourself in a bind when you're like, if you ever got a trunk full of fat jokes and you lose 100 pounds, what do you got? Well, that's the Nichols and May used to have this thing.

They did this sketch where they would go, the next three sketches are about adultery. It's coming back, he'd say. And then they do this adultery in England, and these two people are talking, and Elaine would say, why it ran into fat piggy Trevelyan the other day. God, she's fat, fat woman. And he goes fat, troubling, oh, fat, fat, fat.

And they go fat, fat, fat for 100 times. And then there's a pause, and she says, actually it was fun to see if she's lost a tremendous amount of weight. And Mike says, how does she look thin? Fat, she says. Isn't it amazing that we can, like, I mean you were saying your list, put like Jerry Lewis and, who did you say before?

Mike Nichols. Mike Nichols. I mean, they're worlds apart. Like I would say so. Right. But we love them both. Absolutely. Right.

Okay. We should think that way politically maybe. You know, Jerry Lewis, I mean, he's Trump-y in many ways. He's so preposterous, right? In many ways. Like even the real Jerry Lewis. Yeah. And you know that somewhere is that tape

of the movie, The Day the Clown, cried. Yeah, I've been told a friend of mine has it. I hear A-listers can get it. I can get it. Can you? Sure. I don't think you can. I think you're-

No, I don't know if it's really assembled. Like three people have seen it. If people don't know what we're talking about. Oh, about it is assembled Jerry Lewis made a movie I know at the height of his egomania about a clown in a concentration camp that's right during the Holocaust right and he's like with the slick hair and practically and still keeping the rings in the barracks. It's just, apparently it was, and nope, somebody got to Jerry before he believes it. Jerry, I know I'm gonna get fired, but I'm telling you.

It's not gonna work. It's the most monumentally inappropriate thing. I remember seeing Harley working in Paris. Yes. And I saw it with Nancy and I said, it's 1980, and I said, you know, we got to get there. We were in Paris. It's called Oboluge-Rey.

And they loved him in France. Well, right, and I said to her, we got to get there early, because I'm telling you, they're gonna make little lines. We got there with five people in the theater. Really? Yeah. And 15 minutes in, Nancy and I turned to each other

simultaneously and I said, isn't this great? And she said, do you want to go? So it wasn't working for her. I was loving it, oh, but at one point in that movie, someone says to him, oh, young man. And he turned. Exactly. I remember this movie.

He was like 62. He was 55. 55, I like it. And he was playing 19. I'm not kidding. He was playing the exact character he played at 19. I remember he was like a gas jockey at a gas station. That's right. Right? Okay. I didn't mean to do it. It's just like at 55. This is a problem in Hollywood. Did you see Killers of the Flower Moon? I did. Okay, great work of art. But like Leonardo DiCaprio is just too old for this part.

He's playing a like Doughboy who just came back from World War I, was he a general? He's 50. He's just- He's a good general. No, really. The part should be a 22 year old. The naive, like he carries out the evil.

You know, it is interesting. He's just ridiculously... I saw that film, but I must admit, maybe it's because he's a big movie star. That didn't enter my mind until right now. Really? Yeah. Yeah, and that is, and look, he's a great movie star and a great actor and charismatic, and I want to watch him for the rest of his career.

I've watched him and loved him in so many things already. Right. But he's too old for that part. It's not his fault. You know, Martin Scorsese comes to you and is like, hey, we've worked together a bunch. I got the Nero. It's, you know, it's gonna win all the Oscars. And, you know, would you... Yeah, but I'm sorry, that's just my honest opinion. That's why the A-listers have a problem with me with the Golden Globes. They don't like it.

Yeah, they watch the Golden Globes. You're gonna spout truth to them. Who comes home from the front lines at 50? You're either dead or a general, I'm telling you. It's ridiculous. You're dead or a general. And he, you know, also like, it would have been better. Why would the Indian girl fall for him so readily? It would have been better if he was like irresistibly studly at 25,

like the, you know, the guy who just played Elvis. Maybe he's like seen Titanic. It's ridiculous on a number of levels. Among them, the movie hadn't been made yet. Titanic, what year? The real Titanic? I went, this is so you. Oh, no, no.

Well, the Titanic is in 1912. But the movie is, I'll tell you exactly, it was 1998. Seven. I went to... Well, no, that's not true, because I saw it in 98. exactly it was 1998 7 I went well. No, that's not true because I saw it 98 I I went to the premiere 97, okay I went to Christmas. I went to the premiere December 21st 1997 Yes, I remember it And loved it always have loved that. And I was in London.

I don't get Avatar. You shot with Helena Bottom Carter. Do not get Avatar. I love Titanic. I do not get Avatar. I don't know why that's... Look, it's just me because obviously it's like the most... Other people liked it. Other people just loved it. First of all, I think it's basically cowboys and Indians. It's a little wokey for me because it's like, okay, the Navi, they're the Indians,

they're peaceful and loving and kind, and Indians that attack each other here and stuff like that. I mean, we're all humans. Okay, so, okay, in general, maybe they're a little peaceful. And then the bad people from the other planet or whatever, they come and You know like the people who are like the Navi would you live like the Navi? No, you don't want to live like the Navi. You're rich. You were born rich. You'll die rich

No, but if I was born a Navi, but it's what I know Yeah, I don't think you want to wipe your ass with bark and like... Sure I do. No you don't. You want electricity and you want a nice clean place to sleep. Yeah, but what if you don't know that? You know once you get electricity you go, oh this is great. But if you never had it, it doesn't matter. I am very of the...

Remember, the difference between you and me is I'm of the people. You must admit we have had unbelievable lies mainly not about success. Yes, absolutely. No, I know. About the number of dinners we've had, not just us, but in our life where there have been people that laughed and the laughs we've had. And that has been the luckiest thing of my life. When I look back on the people that I've worked with, you know, and, you know, then you go from S.C.T.V. and then suddenly I'm in a room with Chris Guest and Billy Crystal and Harry Shearer and that's SNL and then I move on to the movies.

And, you know, it's amazing. I remember the first time Chris guest is one of the funniest people in the world, you know. And when we were, I was just getting a gnome on SNL because I don't need it one year. I didn't gnome and he had just had spinal tap that summer. And there was a stage right behind us for the read-through, the big Wednesday read-through, and Chris and I are against the stage, and they only did that one year

where people could get up and perform their piece. And so two actors got up, and I turned around to look at it and I was Chris wasn't turning around I thought okay, who is this guy? Why wouldn't he turn around and look at these actors and when I turned back? He had written three flight options back to LA My script One day I said to me I was making this film captain Ron. He said Martin. Oh, I love that movie He said what's this film about? I said well, I play a man who inherits a boat who has two children.

He said, I didn't say mentioned spinal tap. He's also Nigel Tufnel, whatever. Yeah, he's the guy who says I wanted to go to 11 11 So now he's right anyway look so that's what I'm saying the success of our lives is how many funny Dinners we've been at I, it's one mark. I agree. When you come down to it, I think in life, I mean, wow, there's just a few things that really float your boat. And one of them is friends. Friends, hanging out with friends. Yeah.

Like, that's like sex conversation. Everything else is kind of secondary. Yeah, you can go bowling. You can go a movie I always said movies and theaters will never die out because it's something you can do on a date and not have to talk Mm-hmm There's lots of things you can do but like what do you do in like the first six months of a relationship when it's like super hot You talk and fuck. Then comes like hanging out with other people and like going out with, you know, more eating and like, you know, bowling and whatever it is. But like the real pure heroine is either this or sex.

Those are the two really get to my cerebral cortex. And when I say cerebral cortex, of course I'm speaking out of my ass. I'm not a scientist, but I'm just guessing that's a good place to be. Yeah, well, it's a hip little phrase that you learn once. Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a out and he picks up Stella Stevens and then they cut to, they're pulling up to like make out point. He's got her alone in his car and he just, he gives her the anchor she, remember? He goes, eh, wipe off the lipstick, shove up next to me and let's get started. And she gives him a big speech about, well, this is one kitten that won't be smitten, but you know, and he waits for her to finish and he goes, I said wipe off the lipstick.

And then he- Well, he's Mr. Hyde. Yeah. And then he convinces her. You know, he does his Jerry thing. Yeah. You know, he does his Jerry thing. Yeah, no, I mean, Jerry Lewis, I would put in that pantheon, but yes, also Mike Nichols,

who are some other people who you've- Jonathan Winters. Not so much for me personally. You personally? 10. 10. Yeah. For me personally, I'm trying to think, Johnny Carson.

Oh, well, I mean, that was a lot of my, that's like the Beatles, there's an emotional aspect to that. Absolutely. Because it was adolescence, you say it in your book about like the first 15 years of your life, you're just absorbing it all, and the rest of your life, you're spew- I remember him talking once and he said,

you know, he was just telling a story to Ed or something about, you know, dropping a friend off at LAX. Now I'm in Hamilton, Ontario, I'm 14. And I'm thinking, what would it be like to be Johnny Carson's friend? That's why I was masturbating about it. You're making my case for me. Yeah, but you were visualizing Johnny.

And that's the problem. I was not. I was visualizing myself as Johnny. No, I get it. If Johnny and that's that was not I was visuallying myself as Johnny now I get if I thought that I could put James bonds life in my back yard. I would have done that. All I had was like yes, I could be a talk show host at 12. I always said about masturbation there has to be a thread to reality or else you can't get off you have to have a I still a bit about like I can never

masturbate about like having sex with a girl in the middle ages. Because we're not in the middle ages. Like, if I see a movie about the middle ages and there's a hot chick, like, okay, what am I going to do? We've got a time machine. Okay, alright, I'm back in 1262 and I'm the jester at the castle and she's the serving. a comedian Yeah, she's a serving when I fuck her Serving when you know like like I can't master make my way back to that But like so in my 12 year old mind. I could have been With a tent in my backyard Seving sex with attractive women. Yeah, because they love a talk show host. Well they love a comedian.

Johnny was the greatest. Johnny was, you know, I didn't do it for a long time when I could have, because I was, and I realized because I was terrified. Because I loved him so much, and around, you know, 82, after I was on an SATV and I was asked to do it, and I thought, no, I'll just, I just do Letterman, because I'm an SATV and I was asked to do it and I thought no I'll just I just do Letterman because I'm too hip You kind of have a history of like Turning things down. Yeah, right that you should have what is that about a fear? I think really certainly with Johnny was Fearful. What about what it was the thing in the book were like everybody in that little troop went on to oh, yeah

Second City, yeah, I didn't want to do it. I was like funny, but I thought, oh, I gotta be funny at the end. And I know, I know. But I also wanted to be an actor, and I wanted to do plays. Again, that's why you don't tattoo things that that hate. No, I agree. Because.

Bad decision making. Bad decision making. It's amazing, anybody gets to 25. It really is in some ways. When you think about some of the things that were you... Oh, also I mean, you know, drinking and driving the car. We lived, survived that. Oh, my God.

I have a memory of leaving a party and swerving around a corner. I still remember it, because even then I was like, oh, something was wrong, you know. I'm 23. I have a memory of being in the woods behind my house. There was still woods. You weren't masturbating, were you? You know what, we used to bury playboys there. We would steal playboys, and then it'd be all mud on them.

But there was nothing to see back then. It was so tame. But no, we didn't masturbate in the woods. But we got this, this is college. And me and my friend who went to another college, but we were home on vacation. And we had this stuff, I guess it was the early form of poppers, you know poppers? Yeah.

You had poppers? Well, I think it was the same drug, what it was. And it was this, it was a bottle, like a little vial, not that little, and you took the top. Oh, you sniffed it. And sniffed it. Yeah. And you would turn like impossibly beat red and beat.

How old were you then? 19. Oh, you're 19, I thought you were 12 again. No, and you would laugh your ass off for two minutes and then it would go away. I mean, it seems like the potential to die with this shit. No, no, I think that was actually a liquid popper. It was.

But what if I forgot and swigged it? You know, or what if it just, I assume with the redness it was forcing blood, I mean, it would be easy to have like killed yourself doing really stupid things. And many, and people do, is the sad truth. People do all the time. Absolutely. You know, and they don't, I know, Freddie Prinz, do you remember Freddie Prinz? Yes.

Okay. Wasn't he like 26 when he died? Yeah, and he was a giant star. If people don't remember in the 70s, the first Puerto Rican comedian and Chico and the Man Right, it was Sammy Davis who sang Chico and the Man could only know Absolutely And his catchphrase, he's not my job

Yeah, that's right Okay, he blew his brains out at 26. He was dating Victoria Principal, who was like one of the great sex symbols of her time. And he had a son. He had a son, I think. Freddie Prince, Jr. Right, right. And...

Was he only 26? He just was doing, was so, like, fame was like so overwhelming. He went right from the hood to fame. And, but I think he just was so out of it when he did that to himself that he didn't really know he was doing it. I mean, the life he would have had, you know, I mean he must have been aware of that. He was a bright guy. He had everything going for him. He was handsome and he was a star. He was the age when he died that they should have cast that Leonardo DiCaprio part.

There you go. Okay, why? Well, how old was James Dean was, 26 or something, wasn't he? I feel like the James Dean myth is all about him being dead, because like, I just watched Giant. Oh, he's great in Giant. I think he's great in Giant. I don't think giant is great. I

I've never seen giant. I was watching a Documentary about Rock Hudson, which was fascinating And they of course mentioned giant because that was Rock Hudson's big breakout role right? 1956 the year I was born so I thought oh, I gotta watch this movie from the year. I was born everybody talks about it. Wow if I was born. So I was like, oh, I got to watch this movie from the year I was born. Everybody talks about it. Wow. That was a slog for three hours. It's a long movie. Well, and it's like, look, it may have been great for its day. It's a real trick to age over 60 years. It's about racism in Texas in 1956. Right. And it's just very, it strikes me as very two-dimensional.

I guess it was daring back then. Elizabeth was cute. I never thought so. Really? Not my type. Do you know when I was 13, my friend Mitchell Rosenblatt and I were at, his uncle had tickets to see Richard Burton

in the Hamlet in Toronto. And we're in the King Adia Hotel, and a woman walks through. She has sunglasses. She gets in the elevator. And I'd never seen that she took out a key and put it in the elevator, so it was clearly a locked floor. And I said to Mitchell, I think that's a little,

I'm 13, I think it's Elizabeth Taylor, he said. I said Elizabeth Taylor. I think it's Elizabeth Taylor, I think. And then this door opens and she turned around. She was like 33 and she took her glasses and said, yes it is. Wow. We almost fainted.

Wow. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. I've learned through the years that I tell stories that I think are accurate. And then I find out they're completely inaccurate. Like I was having dinner with Nathan Lane and Nathan and I said, well, Nathan, we're other people. I said, well, tell the story about, you know,

when you were at the Ritz Hotel and Princess Diana was at the same restaurant and she, and you raised, and you toasted each other. You said that never happened. I was at the Ritz Hotel in Paris when she died. I didn't never, I said, I've been dining out in the story for 20 years. That's a pretty good Nathan Lane. Thank've been never I said I've been dining out in the story for 20 years. That's pretty good Nathan Lane. I got gifts. Yeah. But what were we talking about?

Yeah, I'm always saying that on this show. They have to put together a montage of that. That's one reason I love it. Oh Jack Kennedy. So this might be not accurate, but it's kind of accurate. And so Herbros married Lee Radswell. Her what? Herbros is director. Herbros. And he married Lee Radswell, her sister. Correct.

And so Steve at that time is doing Waiting for Godot on Broadway with Robin Williams, Bill Irwin, Mike Nichols directed it. It's the biggest ticket, you know, no one can get a ticket. It's a Lincoln Center. It's not a big theater and it's those two and it's 1989 or something. And so then he goes to the back. So anyway, Lee Radswell gets married, Jackie has a party at her apartment, and now, and this is where I could be wrong,

but let's say it's her apartment. And Steve goes to the bathroom and he comes out and Jackie is there, and he says, she says, I'm so looking forward to seeing Waiting for Godot. And he says, well, listen, Mrs. Onassis if you have any trouble getting tickets I can help you and she said I think I'll be okay yeah but she had kind of a kind of a very man they both she and Marilyn both spoke like it's 1960s we we need to, men cannot hear our

voices. It was, it's, I mean Marilyn Monroe, I'm sorry, I know she had a rough life and I feel bad about it like you do the poor people. But like she just, and every story ever here was that she was a nutmare to work with. Yes, it was because of the sadness, but it was you know She was drunk or she wouldn't show up or you know, they'd get three words out of her cut perfect All right, well pick up the rest of the I thought she was great. Well, let's here's what's interesting I thought she was great. I did cuz I'll tell you something about Marilyn Monroe and Kerry Grant. They never got an Oscar

Marilyn was considered just, you know, but they were never replaced. Who replaced Carrie Grant? Who never got an Oscar? Who replaced Marilyn Monroe? Johnny Knoxville. All right, Touche. All right, not my best guess, but...

No. Yeah, well, of course, no putty of Carrie Grant's stature is ever replaced, but were there leading men who came along? Ryan Gosling is doing it now. The Burt Reynolds did it. If you're talking about the good-looking guy who- Burt Reynolds was not Carrie Grant. Of course he's not because he's not exactly Carrie Grant, but if you're talking about

the good-looking leading man guy who plays against type and isn't just good-looking and an idiot and... And has some talent. You know who else? Who? Ryan O'Neill. That's exactly what he was doing. That's why they redid that movie with him.

Playing at the God, the... We all found... No, he was great. Mental fantasize about the great looking girl who doesn't know she's great looking. I'm sure girls fantasize about the same thing. The great looking guy who isn't an asshole like most pretty boys are who doesn't even know like in the one on the asshole.

And what's up doc, he's a scientist same as in the original right says by the way with what's up doc no, but he's a scientist right he's an egghead. So she's like he doesn't know he's a he's a gorgeous guy. This is ahead so she's like he doesn't know he's a gorgeous guy This is a fantasy. I got to see this film again But I'm saying people have done the Carrie Grand thing I'm saying he did it famous in 1934 until he retired at age 65 and 65. What was his last movie? Father Goose

Okay, let's say Karon. Close to last, Arabesque, with Sophia Loren. Oh, and Gregory Peck. Maybe, Spy Caper. Yeah, I know it's definitely Gregory Peck. Okay, well, I gotta see that one again, but like, yeah. Steve says in our show, I tell a story at one point with a lot of impersonations said see you do something that I don't do You do impersonations because I don't need to oh

That's I Get it, but I don't agree with it I mean impersonations are great like there's nothing's nothing I like. Who do you do? Who's your best impersonation? Oh, um, who do I do? Um, well, I've done, I've done my Gavin McLeod, I've done my, I've done my, uh... Everyone's asking for that, especially the college. Maybe my Jerry Lewis's buddy, loved, I don't know.

But impersonate, like on SNL, the best thing they can ever do for me is celebrity impersonation. No one is greater at that than Bill Hader. It's funny you mentioned that. The very first thing he ever did on SNL was Al Pacino in some sketch. It's unbelievable. And I was like, you got me from that. And when they do, and they don't do it enough, like celebrity impressions are just, that really,

takes a slice of life out. Well, I mean, I think it's, not everyone has his gifts, but even when Bill will tell you, if you have dinner with him and he'll tell you the story. Yeah, but everybody can do one. So just do it. No, but if he's telling a story, he doesn't even mean he just breaks in

and then Jimmy Fallon came in and suddenly he does and it's not just good, it's perfect. I mean Dana Carvey does that. Absolutely. He will like, when he goes into Dennis Miller, he not only does... It is brilliant. But not only does he do the voice right, he ad-libs like the jokes that Dennis would do that are like, kind of like what Dennis would really do. I remember when Dana did Johnny Carson.

Oh yes. Phil was doing Ed. Yes, Johnny did not like that. No, he didn't like it. But he did at one point and he got that quizzical look like. And they say Ed that we are slightly out of touch. And Phil goes, yes, peak to the 70s, sir. Yes, that was a real kind of gauntlet thrown down. That was within NBC.

And it was kind of saying, well, the Ancien regime has passed its prime. And that's cheeky to do an institution like that. But he didn't just have the impersonation, he acted it perfectly. That's what Dana's genius. Yeah, but I mean, the humor behind it was,

these guys are yesterday's news. And of course, most people in TV do go on a little too long. I mean these are hard jobs to give up. Right. I would hope. I did the last week of Carson. It was people were lining sleeping around the block trying to get seats into. That's the homeless this. Oh, who am I thinking of? No. No, but really, it was such an event. Yeah. Yeah, I remember Seth McFarland and I sang to him.

I had my writers and I worked hard rewriting the words to thanks for the memory. And we sang it to, we got in tuxedos and sang it to him. Jay never really quite got his due. As you know. He was just because he's just so so unself you know a grandizing. It's also Johnny there was only one talk show was a

different time exact yeah, there was only one mean he was the big one. There's a, there's a great Johnny Carson. It's a Thanksgiving one. It's just fantastic. I watch every Thanksgiving. Doc is on fire, and it's just Johnny and Doc. And Johnny says, well, I feel bad if you want to come to my house for Thanksgiving. And Doc says, well, what am I supposed to say?

No in front of 15 million people. Yeah, I remember that. And you go 15 million people? Yeah. I think there was one year they got 17 million. And this is at 11.30 at night. Yeah. Yeah, there was no Game Boys.

There was no internet. There was no recording it. And there was no recording it. And the other thing is you had to walk across the room to change the channel. Yes. I mean, that to change the channel. Yes. I mean, that's a big journey. Right. This is why it's so annoying when, you know,

the younger generation just won't learn about the past, but still make pronouncements about the present without any view of like, well, things aren't any better than they ever were. Yes, they were. Yes, they are. You know, they were. Yes, they are. You know, we were there. We were there.

We saw, we've seen a lot of change. And it's a little arrogant not to wanna even know about it. But, you know, they're very into this sort of feeling of wanting to be a social justice warrior. And the warrior is the part that they care about. I'm a warrior. sort of feeling of wanting to be a social justice warrior and The warrior is the part that they care about. I'm a warrior What the issue is they that they can get very foggy on that doesn't really matter. They're like now they're all for Hamas You know, it's like maybe do a little research on that one. Well October 7th was a long time ago.

Well... Alright, did we do it? I would do this, Robert, but I'm just going to, like, let you off the hook. I'm staying here, by the way, because this is... First of all, I can't get out. And secondly, it's so comfortable. Alright, I'm off. Look at that.