Club Random with Bill Maher - Nikki Glaser | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Bill Maher and Nikki Glaser randomly riff on how Bill’s Hawaii trip saved Nikki’s relationship, why Nikki has never seen the Godfather, how Blake Griffin dissed Nikki, the biggest compliment a man ever gave Nikki, who Bill considers his kids, Nikki’s edgiest topic in her new stand-up special, how old she was when she learned to flirt, and Nikki teaches Bill what gorillas eat.

Hello, huh? Hello! No, no. Aloha. Aloha. Everyone has been on the trip. Aloha. Forevermore greets as Aloha.

Aloha. Oh, no. Hopefully we didn't fuck up our mics. No, I meant to hug you in a way that didn't touch us. All right. Well, tell me now if we are the gods. So look who's here. My little girl.

Oh, that's so sweet. I have, I mean, we were in Hawaii together. I miss you. I know that sounds evocative. And it is. Oh my God. You have to hear these stories of people. And I have so much to ask you because we were there in December. Yeah. Then I watched your reality show, which was shot before. Oh my God. So it's like one of those serial episodic shows with like six months earlier, right?

Oh my God, yes. Exactly. It just wrapped right when we like went on that trip. Is that right? Yeah, pretty much right before it. Okay, so I've acquiring mines wanna know. Oh, yeah. Because I saw you on the trip with Chris.

Yes. And I felt I knew a lot about you and him. Yeah. And then I saw him spending a week. But then I saw the backstory. Yeah. Your trip was what really made us go. Okay, let's say we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

Like, we were still kind of deciding on the trip. Yeah. We almost did make it on the trip. We almost broke up right before it. And then we went on it. We had such a good time. And we just, It is the best trip ever. We're both such fans of yours.

And so it was so cool to feel ourselves around you, this person that we both have in common of, like, you know, our sense of humor and what were the things we are into in media kind of connect us. And so to share that trip and then to become friends with you over it. And for you to like him, it just made me see him in the light where I was like, wow, this guy's fucking great.

And yeah, it was just the best trip. So it was really about me. It was. It always is. Bill. Even I know it's awesome. I know.

We're going to have a lot of good times here. You know, isn't this place great? Oh my God, it's awesome. I know. I can't believe it. We're gonna have a lot of good times here. You're gonna party here, right? Like this isn't just for- I party for years here. That thing's in a row.

Oh, this is in a row. Oh yeah, I've had this house for almost 20 years. I cannot believe backyard. I cannot believe this house. I mean, I don't really saw it coming back. I live next door. Yeah, no, I know't really saw it coming back past. I live next door. Yeah, I know I know. I saw that.

I didn't even live here. You're like the minimalist style that I saw through the window as I walked past. And then your backyard is so gorgeous. No, no, that's that. You can't see my house from where you came from. I can cross the yard right here. Well, your neighbors have a great place.

I don't know. I am the neighbor. That's the boy. Your place. And your backyard keeps on going. Well, anyway, you got a nice place. The point is, I'm realizing right now that this love story that I'm going to get to the bottom.

Yes. And I'm glad it sounds to me like there's been a happy ending. Yes. Oh my God, that's fantastic. Okay. So and apparently it was really a three-act play where I- You were a man if we could have captured that. They would have loved that. Yeah. What? Just going up to a wedding trip with Bill Marr, I mean, they were dying me to involve my famous friends and like, you and I just weren't that close at that time. Otherwise, I would have been FaceTiming you ever you would have been a a main character of the show if you wanted to be. No, I'd you know, of course, would you ever do a

reality show? I don't do FaceTim and- This is kind of like a reality show. Yes, well that was my idea. Was to like, I said podcast they look horrible. It's just like they're very stilty. They're just in somebody's house. They got a big penis mic in your face, you know, it's just terrible. I said, podcast, they look horrible. It's just like they're very stilty, they're just in somebody's house, they got a big penis mic in your face. You know, it's terrible. I said, I had this place, it's cool. I could like actually put a little money into like, just doing it really right with no one's in the room

and you don't even know where the cameras are. Yeah. And we're getting high. But a real, actual, no, of course, I could not do that. I'm just, you know, it would be fascinating. Like a document like a documentary about you. I would love to watch an HBO documentary, like following you on the road or on the, even.

Yeah, that's actually a great idea. That could be kind of fun. Yeah, I mean, we would love to, I love to pull back the curtain. And this is what this is, really. Okay, so, just easier to do a reality show. You don't have to pay rent at all, and you can be high, it's more at bill.

Yeah, that's it. Let me, but wait, you're not gonna get me off this track, because I'm so curious, I haven't seen you in a couple of months, so I'm dying to find out. Okay, now let's put the timeline together, like they do when they ruin the Godfather's.

And they put the God, you'll be seeing they make the Godfather saga. And of course Godfather II takes place both before and after. Oh really? Yes, which is why it's so great. Oh. You never saw the Godfather's?

What are you a fucking communist? I saw. What? I saw this a while ago. Oh my God, what a dick. I know what a dick. I know. I can't even, I can't even do it.

I'm gonna call Chris and tell him not to marry him. I don't think, I don't know. We'll get married. I mean, it's not. But the Godfather, come on. I know, I know. And the most embarrassing part, I can only want to say this because it's just so, it's so.

I auditioned for a movie recently with reading with Francis Ford Cobra, just called in, no, no first audition, just that you and five other people auditioning for this metropolis, like his movie that he's spending all his money on and has investors. And just, because he wanted a female comic for this role,

didn't get it, but maybe because I didn't watch. I just didn't. I didn't do my research, I didn't have time, and I certainly didn't lie to him about it. He didn't ask me, but yeah, it's, I'm bad about that. I know there are many things that I need to catch up on, but it was so, it was incredible. Well, with him. Reading with him, looking at him in the eyes, and like up on, but it was so, it was incredible. Well, with him.

Reading it with him, looking at him in the eyes and like, doing a seam where I'm crying, it was awesome. He was like, do you want to read with this guy or with me and I'm like, with you, I'm never going to get to do this again. I'm not getting this part. You're insane to ask me to come here. You iconic figure who I've never been bothered

enough to watch his main movie. I mean, so, David is going to mean so much to me, but not today. Oh, I can say is. I know. Chicks. I mean, something is gonna mean so much to me, but not today. Oh, I can say is. I know. Chicks. I don't like violence. I don't like violence.

I don't like gun violence. That's why I can't watch the sprannows. I can't watch the wire. I can't watch any. Breaking bat. I can't watch any of it. I really can't. I just...

Come on. I know that I would love it. That's my love madman. Nothing fucking happens. There's no jump scares. Well, it's a different... I love madmen, nothing fucking happens. There's no jump scares. It's just a thing. Well, it's a different, I love madmen too.

Oh, it's great. Oh, I agree. But I'm safe in knowing that it's gonna get their head blown off. It's very different than the Godfather. You can like both things. I do it. I believe, I know I would love it. I just have to be in the right state of mind.

And I, um. But also, like compared to the violence that's in movies today, it's very tame. Well, I don't want any of that bill. I don't want. Okay, but people do get's in movies today. It's very tame. Well, I don't want any of that, Bill. I don't want. Okay, but people do get shot in the mafia. I know, but I don't want to see it. I really don't want to get it.

No, but that's not the focus of the movie. If you can tell me when it's going to happen and I can look away or put a pillow over my head, I'll do it. No, you have to get over that. I don't think I'm going to be scary moments in movies. The pillow is not the answer. What I do is I blur my eyes.

I came up with that trick back when I was very ashamed of being a scary cat. I would learn how to, I can blur my eyes enough that I can't. The pillow is like vaccines. The fight this battle internally, when it inside of you. I don't want to.

I know that I'm missing out on good stuff, but I really, I have weird fears. There are things I've never seen, you know, sense and sensibility. And I'm like, Oh, you know what I've only done? Pride and prejudice. Have you seen Pride and Prejudice?

Oh, I love Pride and Prejudice because, here and nightly, is that her smoking hottest? Oh my God. That's a yes. I only watched that movie. I've only seen that movie in the clips of just her and Darcy and it's all YouTube compilated into the hottest scenes. And I masturbate that movie. I've only seen that movie in the clips of just her and Darcy,

and it's all YouTube compilated into the hottest scenes. And I masturbate to it. I'm not even joking you. It's so hot and it's just their hand will touch. Just linger and it's hotter than porn to me. Oh, that movie. I don't know if I can go that far, but she is lava. She is amazing.

By the way, I'm starting this. Yes, the kids changed hot to fire because that was so original. Oh, lava good. Right, so I thought, you know what, fuck you, I'm gonna up the ante, lava. That's what I'm gonna call. That's so good.

I think so. I love it. I'll use a tool. You know where they find lava? Hawaii. Hawaii. And there we go. We're back to Hawaii. You know where they find lava? Hawaii. Hawaii. There we go. Back to Hawaii. Okay, so my analogy with the Godfather was, yes.

They should just, you should never do that. They showed the beginning of part two which takes place at the earliest and then they showed the regular Godfather and then the parts in Godfather too, which is a place after. There's a reason why he did it this way, because the past comments on the future, okay. Okay, so, but let's fuck that up and do it with yours, because it's not the Godfather, it's just your life. Yeah.

So, I'm watching the reality show, which is before Hawaii. Yes, it's like, welcome home to Keyglades, or it's on E first season, available now. Beautiful. On PCOCK. If you want to go watch it. No, you should do that. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm so bad at doing that. No, you're good at that. I'm really not, though. You're bad at watching movies. I'm so bad at self-promote. But I just feel like if I, oh, I'm the worst at it. Well, I enjoyed the fuck out of it, so that's a good endorsement. Well, I really, you watching it and liking it, and I'm endorsement. Well, especially after I had come to know you so well,

when you're going away with someone for a week and their boyfriend, apparently we have good news. You know, of course I was curious. And then of course you, you're adorable. So I just loved it. I felt like I know your parents. Now you told me a lot about them. Yes, I love you.

I love my ass. Oh my God. Right lot about them. Yes, I love you. I love my ass. Oh my God. Right, well, I go out of the house with Mar. Yeah, I'm gonna go to St. Louis, I think, next year or sometime soon and they will definitely come. They will. I love that. They've seen you so many times, it's it's it's it's it.

I love the episode where you played your hometown. Oh yes. The one where you went to Chicago and fought Chris after. Yes, finally, gave in to that after abstaining for a while. It was interesting. So, okay, so here's the thing. At the beginning of this, you go back to St. Louis. This is Chris who I adore him.

I do, I do. He adores you to that. Yeah, I love your affection for him. And so, well, how can you not? He's like, I can see why he is the guy, you know, he checks all the boxes kind of guy. He really does. He's great looking. He's all the boxes kind of guy. He really does. He's great looking, he's super nice,

it's more like a lot to me. Yeah, oh my God. I mean, I could see why it would be crushing if you couldn't make it work with him because there's probably not a second place contender. No, there's not. We know it's not Blake Griffin. I remember that story.

I saw that shot. Oh my God. Didn't you tell that Howard Sterns? I remember that story. I shot that shot. Oh my God. Didn't you tell how it turns out? Yeah, that could have happened and I followed up 100%. Oh, I'm the end. But I am not someone who followed. No, but the end of the story was that he sort of insulted you,

but then asked if you... Yeah, yeah. I got a DM later on that was like I'd be down if you're down essentially. I love that. He said the people have spoken which everyone it was talking like Blake you need to come on Nikki threw herself out you come on you got to do this and he just wrote the people have spoken in my DMs which is pretty hot DM. That's pretty good one. Wow that's very charitable of you because it also could be taken as very arrogant. Of like, I guess. It really is. I know it is. I mean, you need me as your shrink.

You need to come here more. So I'm here. Yeah. That's what I feel yielded. Look, I got you back together with your, you're really good. I'm straightening out on Blake Griffin. I am the indispensable person in your life.

I'm not even kidding. You bill one time, I liked this guy so much and he could not compliment me. Never, he was the one I would hook up with. So I knew he found me sexually attractive, but he could never say it. He would never say, like, God, you look good. Or you just, nothing sexual when we were talking the phone, it was long distance. And when we did hook up, and one time I was so desperate for it, I used to face time

with him. And when I would open up the freezer and stick my white t-shirt with no bra on in the freezer before I answered the phone from them. If I knew he was going to face time, so I would be like nipping out through the shirt. So it would be so agree just he'd have to say something like you can't miss it. So cool. I'm just desperate for this guy to say anything and he would never say anything and then one time I was just so sad, I got off the phone with him, and because I had to go, I was going for a run,

it was getting dark outside, and he goes, yeah, you should go. And I was like, really? And he's like, yeah, I mean, you're pretty rapable. And I blushed. I was like, that's how starved I was. And I knew immediately how sad that was, that I was like, oh my god,

he acknowledged someone wants to rape me. But I really, that's how starved I was from affection from this fucking idiot. Well, I see, I find that one less offensive than the Blake Griffin one. Yes. Because you're right. There's, there's, because you knew this guy.

First of all, you know he's not a rapist, right? He wasn't. Right, but he was just saying other men might want to rape you. What I was like, it's a compliment that, yes, if you are one of the woke who's always looking to be offended, you can always find offense in anything. But if you know someone's intent,

if there were no other actual rapists around, I wouldn't have been offended. And he's right. No, I'm saying, but some people would be. Oh, of course. And I'm saying, I find the Blake Griffin one more offensive because it's actually demeaning. And it's the kind of thing, not to knock him, I like him,

but like you say when you're 30, you're just stupid. Well, I was like really horny for some reason. I said stupid things like that too, thinking I was being funny and it was like looking back, it's like, oh yeah. You know what I read it as though? Okay, yeah, maybe I'm not gonna get into admit like I want to fuck you. Maybe I won't get that out of a DM, but him saying to me the people of soak and whatever

the fuck you said, he still wants to and that's really all I need. I know. Exactly. That's really all I needed. I don't want to fuck him. I just want to know that I could. Like it was like check, okay, I got it. Right.

And then, you know, never falling through. Which is, I'm glad you brought that up. That is a key thing with women, I've noticed over there. I know they're perfect ethereal beings. Yeah. No argument there. Of course. But boy, do they like doing that?

Like, even if they don't wanna fuck you, they want to know that you would. Because being fuckable is valuable. I know. But... Yeah. And it just, it means we're still alive. And we still have some power over you guys.

You know, we still have... The ray is working. I always call it the ray. Like this... Like... Like, you know, hot chicks. They just have... It's like they have this thing that can shine in the guys.

If they just shine it for five seconds in their eyes, they can get the drain thing. And at some point when you feel like that ray is flicking, flickering. Oh, it is us. That's why I- You don't want to have the ray. That's why I'm funny is because I know the ray

will flick, like the ray is flickering. I knew it would flicker. I didn't want it was shining the brightest. Right now. ray is flickering. I knew it would flicker. Even when it was shining the brightest. Right now. Oh, thank you. I mean, I have full-hearn makeup and I'm feeling good. But you just look, you go glowy. Oh, thank you.

You're not with China. I'm really like ovulating to be honest with you. There are a couple days a month where you are like walking on the street and you just get you just can tell that you're more, you just look sexual to people and you're not even doing anything different. But it's because we're probably, I'm cycle. I know I should know this from eighth grade gym class

when we had the health section. Oh, no, you shouldn't. I mean, it's just time. But like, ovulating, this is when your body can make, That's when you can conceive a baby. Making eggs. No, that's when it's ovulation.

Of course. That's time to, That's when if you come in me, you're gonna get a baby. So that's when we're peakulation. That's time to, that's when if you come in me, you're gonna get a baby. So that's when we're peak attractive. I've seen many sitcoms where the couple was trying to have a baby. And the man is like taking her, or she,

or he, one of them is taking their temperature because I guess it elevates when you're, Yes, maybe, yeah. So, you're literally hot. And it was like, fuck me now because my temperate so That's exactly a voice thinking it's like really I use an anal thermometer so it is kind of hot Of course I do we we we talked about I mean I mean I knew more about you and anal before I got to reach time.

I tried to get people in. By the time we landed in Honolulu, I mean. I'm not trying to titillate. I like, I don't know. No, no, it was very real. I just like talking about sex and I like hearing what people can do and I like, it's endlessly fascinating to me. I don't think I'll ever bore up.

It is the most endlessly fascinating subject. Yeah, I'm glad you agree. Oh, absolutely. And that't think I'll ever bore a thing. It is the most endlessly fascinating subjects. Yeah, I'm glad you agree. Oh, absolutely. And that's why your specials great. Because you can talk about it for most of the whole time. Yeah. And it doesn't wear.

It's not like, oh, this subject more on this. No, because there's always ever more to say about it. Yes. I think my favorite line was, because of the way you got to it, what is my pussy in the Wung Tang, Wung Tang clang? Oh, yes, yes. Like I'm talking about toilet papers. I get it in my arm and I'm.

Well, it's not ruined it. But it's an HB, it goes on HBO 16. Yeah. Yes. Saturday, July 16th. That's very exciting. I just did my 12th. Oh, I'm like, I know.

And you, Congratulations. And I was probably about your age. I got to see it right before you taped it though. You were like getting ready. That's right. In Hawaii. Yeah. That's right. It was so fucking tight.

I mean, that was, it was so great to watch you there. Oh, that's it. And just go up all high and just like, I can't believe you do stand up high. And that's the only time you get high. Like you are so fencing to me. It's not exactly the only time. Well, you didn't have to podcast yet when you told me that, but that was so fascinating to me.

I definitely don't do it for real time because that's serious. Because why not? It's my real job. You know, I try to tell it, I'm so happy people are liking this podcast, but I try to tell it, I'm so happy people are liking this podcast, but I try to tell them, you know, if someone likes the podcast, I did it because there are people who really,

I don't know how to say this, but they're just not into what's really going on, the more serious things in the world to, I don't know why, it's such a fucking funny show and I'm explaining to you in ways anybody could understand. I'm doing all the work for you and it's still too much for a lot of people. Still too much, yeah, you're so right. So like when they talk about the podcast. No one's making it more palatable than you.

Yeah, and yes. But I get it, you know, if I start talking about Mitch McConnell, there's many people there. I don't know who the fuck that is. I may have heard the name and it's like, okay, I can't go I don't know who the fuck that is. I may have heard the name, and it's like, okay, I can't go all the way back to explaining who that is. Right.

So, yes, you're gonna lose a lot of people. So, but when the people say to me, you know, like they like this, of course I love it. But it's not like a, like this show is so much fun, and I love that we can do this. But I never had a family or kids. Real time is my kids, you know. It's like if you don't watch that show,

you don't wanna meet my kids, which is fine because I've known a lot of people who, I didn't wanna meet their kids. You don't wanna meet their kids, yeah. It's fine that you don't wanna meet my kids, but we can be proud of. But that's the thing I'm most proud of. And we can only get so close if you don't want to meet my kids.

Yes, yes. We can get close, but not completely close. If you don't have, if you don't as a friend of yours, or as a fan have an interest in that part of what you do, the thing you do, that you've done the longest and that you've perfected and that you put the most work into.

And that's, and that you're not high for. And it's much more meaningful. And I'm hopeful. And on a good day, we're putting a lot of ideas in the water that do get picked up, and they will not mention the show that Dernot speaks its name. But yeah, it's just a whole different level. And it's like senators and governors. And it's just a whole. It. And the, you know, it's like senators and governors

and you know, I mean, it's just a whole. It's your Godfather. It's a whole, it's my kids. Yes, it's your kids. But, you know, this is like my weekend in Vegas. I know, that's why I do all this, and that's why I do reality shows, that's why I do podcasts because it's easy.

It's fun. But, you know, you have. It's hard because it, you know, takes time, but it's when compared to real time, then what goes into that kind of show? Oh, my God, my life is so... But you have that ability of, like, a lot of really great comics

who can, like, take subject matter that everyone can understand. But also, never insult the intelligence of the most intelligent people watching. Oh, that's nice. It's so true. I mean, and that's so on display in that special.

Oh, thank you. That means so much. It's true. I can't stand being talked down to when I go see anything. I'll walk out of movies. I'll stand up, I think, can be so pandering. And so I'll watch my really smart friends just do the lowest brow stuff that I know. Just I just see it all the time.

Like people appealing to the easiest thing, and I do it sometimes too. It's even in that special. There's a couple lazy moments where I go, well, you could have fucking tightened that up. That was a lazy transition that had no substance and like you could have had a joke there, Nicky. But.

Well, Nicky, you know what they say? No work of art has ever finished. It's just a bed. have had a joke there, Nikki. But. Well, Nikki, you know what they say, no work of art is ever finished. It's just a bed. Oh, God. I mean, I really got to be more okay about that. That's shit. It's, it haunts me. Okay, but you do talk in a lot about fucking your parents.

Now, when you were doing that, did you say to yourself, boy, this is an area that's been picked over by a lot of times. Maybe I should stay away from this. Or did you say, I'm the one, yeah. Fucking your parents. I mean, I don't know. It just, I was gonna like skip that part of the special,

even though I opened with it. And I, for a while, the version that I was messing with had that totally removed forever. And then I was like, that is so weird. And I haven't heard anyone even get close to anything. No. This fucking fucked up. It kind of really just, if you make it past that, you can get through anything.

And it's right at the top of the special and kind of shows you what I'm about. And it proves my point, which is I'm not doing things to be shocking, which I think so many people dismiss female comics or any comics that talk about sex or costs or whatever, as taking the easy road out, but it's like, this is just the stuff that makes me laugh and makes me think. And it's just what I want to do. Well, I must tell you that the more things change the same, no, that's not what I'm talking about. I've always thought that quote was too long anyway. No, that's not what I'm gonna say. I've always thought that quote was too long anyway.

We all know what you mean. The more things they think. I'm just like doing that quit-do on Twitter when they put the things together and making it shorter. Yes, exactly. The more things change the same. We are supported by wine enthusiasts. You know the old saying, wine, women, and song?

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any other way, this was always the way and just accept it and do better next time. Like it was never gonna be different. Even if you rewound, whatever state of mind you were in, you couldn't work harder in that moment. Or you weren't. Oh, I see what you're saying. Well, I certainly, I'm seeded my love

for Sam Harris to know man, or woman he's the best. He is. But I, he really is. So I think what we're saying is, I'm always beating myself up for like, why this thing you learned last week, you didn't know 10 years ago. Yourself?

Yes. Oh, interesting, because you're so forgiving of other people who just learned something. I love your theory of- I've learned to be that, yes. What is your theory on that? I remember you saying there was a time

where I learned good- That's it. I love that. That's the good-sp learn in life is a version of that. You just learned it on that day. So, somebody doesn't know something. Don't yell at them for that. Okay, this is the day you learned it. No, you might try them and I'll say, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. You just learned it on that day, you know, so if somebody doesn't know something don't yell at them for that Be like, okay, this is the day you learned it. Now you might child them and alone say it's a little late You're 26 you should have known the three branches of government by now, right? But you know what you're living a dumb country and the education That's why I've seen the godfather like it's a thing. It's the three branches of government I know I should know it. I know I should see. I feel like I'm dodging conversations about it constantly so people don't know that I don't know about it, but I know enough references that I can get by and kind of, but yeah, I, so that's where you beat yourself up as things where you go, oh, I didn't know that, and you kind of catch yourself being like,

oh, fuck, I should know. Not just no, yes, I mean, but also just behavior and just ways to live, you know, big things. They're like, oh, I could have been living like this 10 years ago. I'll give you an example that is more mundane. It's not as deep and psychological as most of them, but like two meals a day. I started eating two meals instead of three about, I don't know, three, four years ago.

And I could have been doing that my whole life. It's three meals a day is just something somebody pulled right out of their ass. They just made it up. There's nothing in our history or medically, why you need three. I mean, one would probably be stretching it a little. Right. You're going to be pranking her. Probably what most people eat now because it it a little. Right. For us, probably what most people eat now because it's a fucking fat country. Uh-huh. But it's a country of addicts and food

is the cheapest and most unregulated drug. It is a drug. It's a drug. But I'm like all other drugs in drug war times where they were societal protests against using them. This, they laud you. Now, I mean, it's so reverse, that it's body positivity. But don't get me on this, because-

I mean, I can't, well, it's funny that you should say that you are like, wow, I could have been doing two meals a day. I just started eating three meals a day and it changed my life. And that's so funny. You're really eating. I stood as little meals as I could, just to always stay thin, always feel like I was,

a good woman is a restricting woman, a woman that's not indulging. So then I suffered because I was always hungry or I was always like, oh my God, I just ate too much because I would overeat because I starved. So I wasn't, it didn't fit my lifestyle to skip meals but I just didn't know any other way. So now you're more normal, you're sick.

And now I just feed myself and I'm not focused on food. But you ate in Hawaii? Right, but that's, I started eating three meals a day in March or like in May of 2020. I like had a meltdown. So let's get back to this. To my boyfriend. We go, you go back home to St. Louis,

what month was that? 20, 20. March of 2021. March of 2021, okay. So at the beginning. 2020. 2020. Yeah.

Okay, so right, right when the pandemic hit. Lifted with my parents for 10 months. Right. And the- Did your show from my dad's? Yes, I remember. It's crazy. It was so cool. Okay, so, but the big storyline,

and it's the reality, I mean, we weren't making it up, is you'd known Chris for eight years. Yeah. I mean, on and off is a good way to describe it. It was on and off, yes. Okay, he's in St. Louis, you came out here. No, he was here. He was, he met in New York on my show, I had an MTV show

when I was my first TV show. And he was a supervising producer. I fell in love with him from afar. I had a crush on him the whole time. Didn't know how to even flirt. I was so awkward with boys. I had no experience really at all except blackout drunk sex and I had just gotten sober a year before I got this show.

Wow. And so he was the first guy I liked when I was sober and I was like, how am I even gonna have sex? How would I even gonna have sex? I would, I would, I would kiss someone sober. Like it was just foreign to me. Finally, someone coached me on how to flirt. And so he kind of knew that I liked him. And then we got together.

How old were you? 27. Like real stunt. So you knew how to flirt. No, Bill, I'm not kidding you. He thought he was gonna quit the show because he thought I hated him when I was desperately in love with him. Because I liked him so much I didn't know. I didn't want to let him know. show because he thought I hated him. When I was desperately in love with him because I liked him so much, I didn't know.

I didn't wanna let him know, so I wouldn't look at him. I would ignore him, I'd be kind of mean to him. I just, I couldn't handle it. He literally thought. Like a child. Like a child. Like a child, I was so stunned. Like he had in school, like a fourth grader would do that.

Absolutely. I don't like you. And my, I was crying in my showrunner's office. I guess it worked. And she was like, because I was like, he's flirting with the girl, like the wardrobe girl and I love him so much. And she was like, he doesn't even know you like him at all.

Nicky, we see you around him. And she goes, but I can take an order. So she goes, go to his desk right now. You're going to talk about the upcoming Logan Lerman interview that he's producing. You're going to sit at his desk until he knows you like him. You're going to touch his leg at one point for two seconds. You're going to leave that touch on. You're gonna touch his leg at one point for two seconds. You're gonna leave that touch on. Oh my God.

You're going to make eye contact longer than four seconds and you have to count it out. Like she taught me and I just did it. And then after that, he knew I liked him. And it really worked. Who is this person who told you? This is Kim Gamble, she was my showrunner, who was friends with him who was like,

just laughing at me crying. Cause in that, she goes, he would so like you, Nikki, is no idea. Wow. I never knew that part of it. Yeah. And so finally, I went over to his house. I invited myself over to his house. He was very hesitant because I'm the host of the show.

He's a producer on it. He's like, I'm not gonna make a move unless I know for sure. And I am sending him half signals. And so I go over to his house, I invite myself over to make chili at his place and I just am nervous on the couch next to him. He gets up to go the bathroom. I scoot closer to where he was. He comes back, he like scoots further away

and I'm like, oh, he doesn't like me. So then I just get cold and then I go home and I'm like, I'm over it. I'm not like, and this has been months of me loving him. And I go, I leave and I'm just like, it's not happening. I call all my friends. I'm like, he didn't get it and I'm done. And I go, I leave and I'm just like, it's not happening, I call my friends. I'm like, he didn't get it and I'm done. And I go to work the next day and I'm just like,

mad at him. And I'm not gonna fire. There's no like, this isn't me like me to him. I mean, I'm guessing in a some ray area, there is, maybe I was mad at this person because they didn't like me. He wasn't gonna lose his job because of it or anything. I had no idea that I wielded any power

in this moment of my life, but I remember the next night I gave him one last chance. He lived in Brooklyn and I was in Manhattan at the time and I was going to the comedy seller and to do it late night, I'd said it like 11 o'clock and it was on a work night, it worked the next day.

And I was just like, hey, are you in the city texted him? And he was like, no, why? And I was like, oh, I'm going to the cellar. I thought if you were out, you could just stop by. And he was like, I'll be there. And I was like, oh my god. And then he stayed the whole night.

And we, and Arty Lang really like gave me wingman to me by being like, hey, Nikki. And he's a huge Arty Lang thing. And he was like, are you playing? That's your friends with him. And I was like, wow. And then we walked out to 6-7-Eau. And then finally, and then I was adamant

on not making the first move because I am such a control freak. I always make the first move with guys. It never had worked for me. So I was like, I will not. He was going to kiss me first, which I never once let a guy kiss me. Because it just gets so awkward that I just want to control it. And so I just waited, kept my mouth shut,

and he did the hottest thing. He just goes, get over here. And he just grabbed my arm and just kind of tugged me. And I was just like, ah, and we made out. And then I was just like so in love. And six avenue. Yeah, and six avenue. And then I jumped into a cab and like,

fleed into the night. And I was just like, I got it. And I was, then I was terrified to do anything else with him. But shortly after that, we became boyfriend and girlfriend and then we broke up a bunch. Now in this episodic of this, we move eight months, eight years later. Eight years later, we created a show together

in Comedy Central, it was canceled, we moved in together, we got canceled shortly. Now, go to the part where you're going, where I should. I moved back to St. Louis. Right, after you've been on and off with him now for eight years. He is from St. Louis and he moved back home with his mom in St. Louis. We didn't meet to St. Louis, they're the band that make it- Right, after you've been on and off with him now for eight years. Me, me, me, me is from St. Louis

and he moved back home with his mom in St. Louis. We didn't meet in St. Louis. It was just random that we- So what I saw on the reality show is you're constantly saying, I'm not gonna fuck this guy again until, I mean, obviously you already have. Yeah, in a way, Pat.

Until, yeah, we're either gonna really be together. Or I gotta move on. It's been eight years. Yes. And your parents are saying this, right? Yes. It's not embarrassing, but it's like, it's either Fisher cut bait would be that,

pretty much. Pistach it off the pot. That's what I always say and he's just, so, I don't know that one. And it leaves off at a uncertain point. Yeah, we, because the show wrapped up and they, oh my God, the producers wanted us to have like this moment of a proposal or like, we're officially together. Right.

We just, we weren't there yet. We weren't there. And I was like, I'm not gonna lie. We did. We really needed to get away where we could connect and like, really talk about things. It hasn't been completely smooth sailing, but we are in such a good place right now. Imagine if you would actually dumped me out of that gig and did your dumb wanted St. Louis and never... I know, Bill, I'm so embarrassed.

I tried to... That's the... I don't believe in the universe, but if I did, I would say that's telling you. Oh, no. Like, right. Well, that was the best exchange ever with you as I tried to get out of the gig with you in Hawaii. And because I got it offered a gig in St. Louis,

that was just more convenient. It was a lot of money. It wasn't about the money. It was just like, it was right down the street. And I'm like, I'm like, I feel like so sweet. Hawaii, you're St. Louis. I mean, I know what more than 10 years you're intimidating.

You're intimidating. It's all your friends. I'm like, I get social anxiety. I'm like, if I can, it's more of that than like, what a great, if I would have known what it would be. Right. There's no question. I know.

I would turn down anything for that. I know. And I'm so glad I did, but you came back, I just loved your response of being like, oh, it's kind of shitty. And I don't know that I really want to be friends with you if you got it. Well, like, I can't say that I'm like a big fan of this,

of this and I was like, that's all I fucking needed. I love this guy, what an honest response. And I was like, I'm going. I mean, you know, you had committed to it and it was like I got something better. I'm like, and you just wrote and said, you know, I hope we can still be friends. I'm like, well, I'm not your enemy,

but is this really something that makes me want to start a friendship with someone? No, it's not. It's kind of a weasel move. But look, I'm not your enemy and I will never do anything against you. No one says that. And then everyone goes, it's fine, but I like that. And I don't want someone to even be on the fence without me. Because that's what would have been for the rest of our lives. It would have just, I've, what has seen you for the rest of my life. We would have nodded across the room. Yeah, exactly. I've been like, oh, or maybe would have just, I would have seen you for the rest of my life. We would have nodded across the room. Yeah, exactly. I've been like, oh,

or maybe in 10 years, we would have been like, okay, if we went, we're in some place where we wound up talking, we would have found we did like each other. No. But it was the easiest decision I ever made. Hey, you know what I always say?

Everything happens for a reason. You know, everything reasons happen. I always mark things, people would say that. But in this case, it really worked out great because- It really did. Because I mean, of all the, I think we've been on this 11 years now that the Hawaii trip

that we're doing a new year is December 30th. Oh, Jeff Ross is doing it this year. Oh my God, fun. Jeff Ross and Monday Leedman, it's gonna be great. Yeah. Wendy. So December 30th in Maui, we always do. And then December 30th for you.

That is a fantastic show. Honolulu, you did it last year. It was so fun. You have such a great group of fun. Yeah, it was such a great group, right? Just great places to just, every part of it was fun. It was the plane. The plane.

The plane. Which you're so scared to get on a private jet with a bill in a bunch of his friends when you don't know any of these people and you brought your boyfriend who's not really your boyfriend and you're worried that he's, is he going to have a good time and then instantly as soon as that we got to the, before we even boarded the plane, you wouldn't even show it up yet and I was like friends with everyone. I mean, Jim and any and Cory and Annabelle and Mike Chris. Yes, your Chris.

Yes, your Chris. Christopher Kidree. Oh my God, everyone's so nice and his girlfriend. When I kept saying your Chris, my Chris, that's like, which, oh, my Chris. Yes, of course. So fun. The rapper is my Chris and the, that guy was your Chris.

So, so you had a great time with him and then I think it was like a couple weeks after that. So where are you guys now? We're boyfriend and girlfriend. Nothing together. No, not yet. I think that's the next move. In St. Louis. Yeah, in St. Louis. And you're going to stay there with him.

I don't know if I'm going to stay there, but we're going to stay together and find a way to make whatever. We're he might take some TV gigs here. He's on the radio there in St. Louis. And so we're, but we really are just talking about the future in terms of what our life will look like together. Cause I don't like work. I like him on the road with me. And I should tell him to text me.

He always says he loves me so much. But he never really, he would love. Yes, I remember I sent him that, something about my novel, remember he had a story and he got, I mean, he never got back to me. I think he's just, Oh, he's really bad at that,

but he's shy. And he's intimidated by you, but like, yes, it will get back to him. It's cool, yes. He checks you and he would love that. Well, I'm thrilled. And of course you guys were gonna be out here one way or another, a lot.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. You've St. Louis, great town, but you know, are you gonna, You get an abortion there anymore? I have. So, I gotta get out of that. Yes. Come on, both in show business. Yes. You have St. Louis, great town, but you know, are you gonna... You get an abortion there anymore.

So, I gotta get out of that. Yes. Right. Missouri. Yeah. Wow. I know. St. Louis's a hip place, but there are, there are four.

That is a, isn't Josh Hawley? Yes. Oh, come on. I mean, there are some, I hate to use the word redneck, but four, there's some fucking redneck. It's St. Louis, you forget that it's, that it can be like that, Missouri. You forget, you forget that you were a part of this,

the state that is the first to do everything that. I mean, the way your parents and Edelope Lehm, they could be living in Des Moines. Yes. Ha, ha, ha. It's, it's very close to Chicago. It's nice. Now I know that I can live anywhere. Like, I might go to, I was just in Denver and I was like, oh, I really like it out here. It's very close to Chicago. It's nice.

Now I know that I can live anywhere. I might go to Denver and I was like, oh, really? Like it out here. I might just move here. You must be thinking about D'Akinder at this point. What? D'Akinder, children. Oh, no, no.

I don't think of love. What about Chris? I mean, he's good with it. Never? No, we might like foster at some point or do something like, if I was good at playing it. Dad in a commercial, I would cast. The best with kids I've ever seen.

He just looks like the dad. He's good at playing with them. So if I do have kids, he's the perfect person to have because I don't really like to play with kids. And I want teenagers, I would love, I would be a great mother to like a teenager. That's a rough one, yeah, I have them. I know, I want teenagers, I would love, I would be a great mother to like a teenager. That's right, when you have them.

I know, I know that it's a word listening going, yeah, I'm sure you would love my daughter fucking cutting herself and telling me she's gonna kill me someday. People always say, you know, I always said it to me anyway, like when I would say I don't like kids, but when you have your own, you're gonna love.

And I always say, no, I will be the first guy to look in the basket and go, nope, still nothing. I know, and my friend Rachel might be the second. Has the greatest bit about that. She's a new mom and she's like, she keeps, she was so scared of being a mom who just didn't care for her kid, like would just not feel anything

that when she talks to people now, she's like, and I just love her so much. Like when I look at her kid, like would just not feel anything that when she talks to people now, she's like, and I just love her so much. Like, when I look at her, I like, I really do love her and people look. She says that people are like, yeah, duh, but it's notable, Tarkas. She was so scared she would be that way. And which I would be too. I, I love my niece and nephew, but this whole idea that I have to be a good aunt or whenever I feel like I'm failing as an aunt, I remind myself like, I didn't choose this, I didn't ask for this. I mean, my mom is about, you know. Let me ask you, you can choose that any way.

A cynical question. I'm certainly not the first one to think of this, but I've heard it before. Like, people who say that, you know, I look at the kid and I love him so much. Do you think a lot of that is sort of eco-tistical? Is this a Zoom? Yeah. You do.

I used to, oh, my dad always. That it's like it's you. It's you're mini-me. Is it really? Yeah. Sometimes I excuse my dad's love by saying, I just look like you a lot. I look like you.

I remind you of you. Right. You like yourself. And that's fine. I feel lot. I look like you, I remind you of you, you like yourself. And that's fine. I feel it, I feel my father's love. It's a reason why I do so many things in this world because my dad loves me unconditionally. But I really am a lot like him. And I think he likes it a lot about himself.

I'm only just a little suspicious of that. Not that it's not wonderful. Why wouldn't you adopt? But, XD, you know, if you love kids so much, and you care about children so much, why wouldn't you give, because of the, I once had a guy say, you know, it's just like you risk, like, you know,

the kid could have just a family tree of mental illness that you don't know about. It's just a risk. I respect that you would adopt Nikki, but I want my own kids, and that's why we can't be together. He was using his next excuse, because he just like got tired of fucking me or whatever,

you know, met someone else, but he was like, it's because you don't want kids and I was like, I would adopt and he goes, oh, oh God, yeah, I, it's so good that you would do that, but you still can't be together. And I'm like, but your family tree is, that should be deforest. Like you have more mental illness and alcoholism

and you know, just, know just so you need to that should be more of a worry for you but it's narcissism. I mean it's you got to admit it's fun to see yourself as a little thing and that's part of it. Right and I think it's also a little more. It's okay. Right. I think it's part of it. And it's also a little of people what people the most, of course, mortality. And it's a little, I'm not really dying because this is me. It's still me.

DNA. It's right. And it's sort of, I'm not, I am dying, but not, and, you know, but again, let's not set ourselves up here as child haters. No. And we're not, you know, we're not saying being a parent is a Selfish norses, but there is a little bit of that element Okay, there I agree with you when it was not just me and I don't think there's anything wrong with that

I think that parents would right. It's not that's not why I do it of course it is Right or you would adopt right? I'm sorry And I know that adoption, but that's expensive. What do you think a kid is? Right. If you can't afford to adopt, and to put up with all the red tape to get one, and I'm maybe it's a process that I don't understand and someone's gonna lecture me in my DMs,

but I think that the reason people don't adopt and they have kids is because you wanna see, you either wanna carry a child, which is a noble thing, and some women just yearn to have that experience. Or you wanna see, you either want to carry a child, which is a noble thing, and some women just yearn to have that experience. Yeah. Or you want to see what you look like as a little to you.

Right. You want to, and I get that, like when you're fuck someone, you want to speak something with them. And mold you. Yes. You know, and have, you know, I mean, like, I'm sure you know this, Nikki, in the Godfather. The God Don Corleone is just very disappointed

that Michael Corleone doesn't want to be in the family business. The God Don Corleone. It's just very disappointed that Michael Corleone doesn't want to be in the family business. Yes. But I have to tell you that. No, you know what? I found out though that kind of disappointed me because I'm a narcissist as well, and I would like to mold something.

I thought that you can mold a kid you adopt more so than I thought. A study came out that said that a parent's IQ will never affect the child's IQ through adoption. It's genetic. It is not nurture, it is all nature, IQ. IQ, yes. That was a bummer to me.

Of course. I didn't know that. I've heard that, too. I thought I could make someone a little bit more intelligent or, but you can't, you're stuck with what you got. Basically. Now, of course, like everything in science and medicine, they could come out tomorrow and say,

no, we did another study and we found out that's not true. Maybe you can fuck with emotional intelligence. I think that's the thing that I couldn't have a hand in. You can't, I mean, you're probably born with a certain size brain or maybe they're all the same size. I don't know why some are better than them. I do know that the reason why humans... Sam Godelas.

What? Sam Harris Godel. Yes, Sam was totally tell. Yeah. But he ain't... Without a single arm or like, not dammit that guy never talks with a pause. He ain't hearing any in a comedian.

So we got a few things on that. That's okay, okay, good. Did you know HBO Max had podcasts? I'm on my podcast, talking about the podcasts on my network. This must be what the metaverse feels like. Now go even deeper inside your favorite shows with audio companions to some of the most groundbreaking and award-winning shows on television.

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I do know that humans became the dominant species on the planet because for some reason, in evolution, our brains took a giant leap forward, whereas the apes did not. Apes are physically bigger, but their brains didn't, our, like for some reason, our calories started to go into our brains. Right. You know, like it all goes to my hips.

It all goes to my brain. What was it? Was it tools? Well, tools was a result of them having a brain. Right, but maybe tools opened up a world. No, the brain opened up the tools. Well, the chicken or the egg. It stays the different and the same. No, they were not a thought of tools.

Some big, big, big, bigger. That and the same. No, they were not a thought of tools. Some big, safe, and different. Get bigger. That's the thing. Think me. Well, what if a product values tools? The product values tool. Discovers a tool, Bill, and this tool where they use a piece of grass to root out some ants in a hole, and they're using the tool to lick the ants off the piece of grass.

All of a sudden, the use of that tool, which yes, their brain contributed to find the tool, that makes them realize other tools which then expands their IQ. It could be both. So you're saying that a gorilla could open a home depot? Is that it? Eventually that's what we did too. I don't know how closely related we are to clear that.

Is that a fact that gorillas use a stick to get ants and lick the mold? I don't know what you're sure about that. You're sure about that? It's apid as but that is a tool that is used by primates to, they put a little piece of grass in a hole and then they lick it off. It's true. I love the word primates.

Yeah. I do. So I was speaking of your primate. Oh, that was, that was, I just wanna get back to what they, that's good. Before we run out of it. Can I have like a one hit of that?

You can have one hit. I don't want to light a whole one, because I know I'm not making sense. And I will not remember my train of thought, a hurdle of a fuck you. Don't you have such trouble with short-term memory with these things? Like I'll be in the middle of... What was the question? Exactly. term memory with these things. Like, I'll be in the middle of... What was the question? Exactly.

You know what? That's all I want. I used to hang around with... That's good. At the end of his life, Dr. Timothy Liri. In fact, you see that chair that's hanging on the wall over there? Yes. That's a Timothy Liri.

And I say that because he burned a hole in it at a party of mine in 1992. Oh my God. With a cigarette. Wow. And because it had a hole in the chair, it was ruined. He signed it. Amazing. And now it's art.

And it's Timothy Larry. Have you done? He used to say to me, he said, you know, people would ask him, you know, has it affected your memory? He said, yeah, that's why I carry a pencil. And his point was, it's so much better to have the creativity and the thoughts of any idiot can write stuff down. I struggle with it. I struggle with the guilt I have about smoking weed and how it does affect my short

remember. I'll be on stage, hi, and I'll say to you, I'll be in the, oh yeah, because I go through, like when I was in Hawaii, I was on an abstinence train. I took nine months off a smoking weed. It was supposed to be for life, but you know, fit how it runs. And, oh, it's good.

It's a lesser of a few different evils that I can turn to. So I turned to it at times, but then it always ends up, I end up wanting to get high before I go on stage cause it's like, right before? Yeah, cause then it's like my mind's thinking differently and I'm like kind of excited. It's scary again like I get nervous. In my last special I told the story about the two times.

Oh yes. Oh yes. And the punchline of the one. It is a punchline. It's a great punchline, but it's an absolute truth. I was on stage and I said the word Obama and then thought to myself, is that his name? Dude, when you said that it's... And that is a real thing.

It's a real thing. One of those real stories, it turns into a great joke because it's just, I can't... So thank God for that moment. But I'm in how... Well, it was terrifying. It was so terrifying. But sometimes I feel alive when I'm in the middle of a joke. Terrifying.

I have to turn to the audience and say, what was I just talking about? And it's so embarrassing. But I'm in a show. It's all about open, different places. I'm in a show. This is what I do at all. Yeah.

But that's why I love Club Random. Yes. But when I'm doing real time or when I'm doing stand-up, I know I want to be Jackety, Split, Mr. Perfect. I don't. You know, are you that? But you said you smoke weed when you perform? Yes, I do, but not right before. Oh, split, Mr. Perfect. I don't, I don't. You know, I use that. But you said you smoke weed when you prefer? Yes, I do, but not right before.

Oh, well, when? But then I get tired, it's like two hours. No, it's, well, you know, it's the right balance. Tell me about your balance. You know, you see, I use that music stand with the, No, yes. So like, I know, I like to know, I like to really cover a lot of stuff.

I mean, your special was very tight, but of course when you do a special you probably had a teleprompter Yes, I did so you I see I like that kind of comedy. I what I hate is you know my least favorite two words in comedy are what else? Thank you What else and what else looking at the ground? What do you mean and what else? I love that you knew we're what else. And what else? That's why I have that music scene.

I always know what else because you paid to see. It is such bad. I'm going to frame in the best I can. You're either forcing it like you're acting like you're trying to pretend to be casual, which is so like cool. Or you really prepare. Exactly. That's why I take it. And I listen, I have a lot of what else fires off in my brain constantly during my set, but I grab I I know that there's something in my cloud of words or bits hovering over my head that I can grab from randomly. I have so many jokes at this

point that whatever and what you know what my new out for what else is, if there are any comics listening, that you panic about worrying what joke is next and losing your place and then you blank and the audience loses respect for you. Just say what, I always just go, what's true? And then it immediately gets you out. I'm high and I forgot what I'm gonna say next.

These pants are too tight and they're distracting me. and then it immediately gets you out. I'm high and I forgot what I'm gonna say next. These pants are too tight and they're distracting me. This guy, this hat, your hat is ugly. Like, whatever is true and it's instant release. Like, the audience, well, it will never fail if you say the most true thing to bail you out. And I always forget because when you're doing stand-up, you're trying so hard to convince them that you've got it

and when you start panicking that you don't got it, you're only, you look more panicked. And now I just have to realize, I have to let go, and just observe what's around me and just say it. And it will always get me out and get me to a place of calm. Okay, they like me again. Now I can kind of think and say what I want to say next. That is the natural thing I want to say instead of like grasping. So that's an instant out, just say what's true.

And I try to remember that during podcast, I mean, even like, press stuff gets me nervous. Like just this, this, thank God. I mean, I hate to say it. I was not nervous to come to this because we don't have microphones. It doesn't feel overly highly produced that I'm gonna be reminded I'm on TV constantly.

And also, I mean, I would have, pretty Hawaii, I would have been like just sick all day with nerves to talk to you. I mean, even doing your TV show, but then the second I talked to you, gone, because I didn't have any interaction with you, except on email before I did your show in person, even backstage. First time I talked to you in person, and see your face move. No, no, no. And, but you. Mary's very character apparently. But, but you aren't, because the, but the second I talked to you, I get exactly what your vibe is and I'm comfortable. Right.

Um, but, but I was, I was nervous up to that point, but today I was just like, oh yeah, I got to go hang out with you. Oh, I was looking forward to it all week. Me too. Oh, of course. Okay, so the other thing about your special, I have to say, it's so, and this is what I was starting to say a million years ago when I said, you know,

when was that sentence that I contracted? The more things stay the same. Yes, the more things are the same. Like, I know there's been a lot of changes with fluidity and so forth. Yeah. And I'm sure we're all right thinking people who want everyone to be, There's been a lot of changes with fluidity and so forth. Yeah. And I'm sure we're all right thinking people who want everyone

to be whatever they want. We're all for that. You're tone, I don't appreciate. No, it's true. I don't believe you. But basically most people born with a vagina are what we used to call women. Okay.

And they have the same, like, God, just get me on trans rights. This is what I'm not. I'm just saying this is, all I'm saying is most, let's call them women classic. It's they have the same DNA or whatever's in their pit of their gut. And the reason I'm saying this is because.

It's deep in those guts. It's because... Open them guts. What do women have? Yeah. Your thing about, you know, not fucking a guy right? Oh yeah. You know, this, I could have, I could find a...

Not having sex until a guy loves you. Right. Yes, my rule. I could find a... Not I think sex until a guy loves you. Right, yes. My role. But a rule that I could find enunciated in the 50s. Right, it's a throwback. It was ever thus, and I have a feeling it will be thus for many, many years to come.

What do you mean? It is just thus. It is just part of women to want that. To want what? A guy who'll love you before he sticks his dick in you. Yes, but why is it not intuitive for us at this point as women? Why do we give it up constantly in our modern society? We give it up constantly before we get it.

Almost every time. We'll get to that. Okay. But first, I'm just going to continue on this for a second. I'm trying to... I'm trying to. Because there was a book in the 90s called The Rules. Oh, I know The Rules. And I think I would make many of them. Yes, well, the book, Getting To I Do, is very simple.

The book I talk about, my special Getting To I Do, where I get all these ideas. It's not dissimilar. Oh, it's very similar. It's along the same lines. It's these pathetic books that women pick up that are like, here's how you do it, ladies, written by two single women, or like two divorces. To what if we could, but I don't want to, you know, like, millionaire matchmaker.

That bitch knows what she's talking about, but you know, people, you can't always, people that know what they're talking about don't always practice what they preach. Obviously, like some of my best therapists have been fucking batshit. Oh, they're all batshit. But the woman who wrote the book I talk about

in my special pat, Dr. Pound Allen, she follows her own book and has a very great relationship and is just a very smart woman who, just made a lot of sense to me. And my mom always used to say, don't give up your sex, Nick, don't do it. Don't give up your sex. I was just always so gross to me.

Like what did that even mean? And I just thought it was the lamest advice. She was like, don't do it. And my mom was such a prude. And that's how she got my dad. She would not sleep with him. Well, they, what was the, they used to about the don't give up the cow.

Yeah, until you get them, the, the, you don't buy the milk. If you get the cow for free, what, you know, we're nailing them all. Yes, don't buy, don't buy the cow. If you get the milk for free, right, right, incentivize it. Like, I always tell girls that like,

if you think, because I used to be this world, that has one way friend changed through the eons. But no one is abiding by it. I got to find a different way through to these women. But I think they are. And I may have told this story before. So if I have a good tell it again. Yeah, just put it on the two times. But it's not really a story. But I when that book, The Rules was out. Yeah. I remember it was on my table at home and this girl picked it up and went, oh, The Rules. And she started to look at the cover and she turned it over and saw the two girls and went, oh, I could see why they need a strategy.

Oh my God. Exactly. Yeah. I need a strategy. I'm thinking. You, I need a strategy. You don't need a strategy. Yes, I do. Well, you certainly could get a lot of guys.

Yes, but not the ones I want. Not the ones I want. Not the ones I want. Not the ones I want. It's the ones I want. Like, I got him. But when I first got him, I have to say that I was not good for him and he was not good for me.

We are two totally different people than people we were when we dated back then. Like, I, we, those two people should never be together. They were bad for each other. Wow. But we have both changed and decided that we don't want to be those. And you're so far beyond, are we going to have sex or not? Yeah. But, you know what, I wanted it to be special with him

because we had not had sex since June of 2019, which was the longest we had gone, because we would always either get back together and start having sex or have sex just casually, and I really did not want something with them, and I would always end up falling back in love with them every single time. And he would always remind me, like, I don't want to be married. I don't want to be with anyone. And he felt, you know, there was anger in both of us that we hadn't talked about, and we

weren't going to address. But we were sleeping together because we have amazing, amazing time in the bedroom. And you like it in the naughty place. Yeah, he does, he's a very accommodating lover and I love him for it and it's always, What a hero fucking you in the ass. Now, why?

Yeah, look, once again, you're giving them the more really lazy event. You're giving them the more credit than he deserves. No, no, no, this guy, you're giving them that really lazy event. You're giving them that man more credit than he deserves. No, no, no, this guy gets credit. He fucking works. I don't, one time I remember when we were living together, he was horny and I was just, if you're horny for me, I will instantly get horny.

Like that makes me horny. Like, I'm never not in the mood, but for whatever reason, I just wasn't in the mood. So tired. And I was just like, babe, you can do it. But like, and I'm on my stomach sleeping and I'm like, but I'm just gonna in the mood, but for whatever reason, I just wasn't in the mood, so tired. And I was just like, babe, you can do it, but like, and I'm on my stomach sleeping, and I'm like, but I'm just gonna like lay here. Like, you, but you totally can.

And he goes, oh, and he goes, oh, as opposed to what? Because I'm literally lay there. I just like, I'm a spurious, submissive and bad. And so I just like, I mean, I like being tied up, but if you can't tie me up, like, I'll just be like, I get, like, I'll pretend like I am, so I don't have to do anything. I really like being serviced, and just like, I mean, I like being tied up, but if you can't tie me up, like I'll just be like, I'll pretend like I am, so I don't have to do anything. I really like being serviced and fully like not in control.

And it's awesome. And it's nice that he never makes me feel bad about that. I do work at times, but like, I bring it in other ways, but to not have to ever ride, I don't wanna fucking be on top. Literally ever, it doesn't feel good to me and I don't like it. And I get winded. When you say work,

I just heard a laugh. I heard a producer laugh. I heard a woman laugh because she's like, she gets it. That was the neighbor. Oh, wait, I'm the neighbor. Okay, so. Yeah, the neighbor.

Oh, wait, work. Let's define work. Being on top. Is that's work? Oh yeah. Oh my god, it is exhausting. It really hurts my thighs. It hurts my hips.

I like feel sore afterwards. Like I've been riding a horse. Like it feels, like it's disjoining. It's exhausting almost immediately. Like I just want to say, like I give it up to guys who do most of the humping and the work. So you like me? It is exhausting.

Like a missionary position is better for you because you're... No, I want to make it easy for them. So my favorite position, and I'm not trying to be titillating, I think it's just a good, this is just good information to have off the bed, I lay on my back off the bed, and they get to stand and just like be, like, right, hopping them, like, right where the mattress hits. Well... That's like the easiest for both of us.

I feel like the chances of the Family Research Council repeating this show anywhere. Who was the Family Research Council? Like a super Christian or a... You never heard of the Family Research Council. No, no. It's like with the judges. It's like with the... What the...

Yeah, exactly. This is totally a guess macho one. I'm sure I know. I shouldn't have said it. Well, they're just... I think the duggers were part of that. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah.

Everything is... No. They don't... They are not going to re-wound the segment as workers are. I think the doggers were part of that. Oh God, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, you know, everything is all, just saying. They don't, they are not going to re-wound this segment as work as a... Why should they? They are into fucking children. I was hoping. So that's not gonna work. Well, before we go to...

They're not all, not all of them are into fucking children. No, and the doggers may not have been associated with the family research council, but I can almost guarantee if they weren't, they were big feds, okay? They're all, I mean, if we're talking about super duper Christian times, I feel very safe on safe ground,

saying that they're in that particular part. You know, I just, I cannot stop talking about sex, especially with all the Roe v. Wade stuff. I'm so glad the special is coming out because it is kind of in your face sexual and I'm just tired of, and I dress, I'm a little kind of hot in it, which was like a choice for me because I'm so glad the special is coming out because it is kind of in your face sexual and I'm just tired of, and I dress, I'm gonna look kind of hot in it, which was like a choice for me because I'm always like,

I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be titillating. I'm not trying to make anyone's dick's hard when I'm up there. I think it was very titillating and I think that's great. But hornyness and being enlapping, there are two different feelings and I don't wanna engage both. But I do like to look cute and have fun.

Why shouldn't you? Because I'm a comedian, but I do like to look cute and have fun. Why shouldn't you? Because I'm a comedian, but I'm just gonna be funny, Nicky. And also, you're not always gonna be able to wear that. Exactly. Strike Wilde, Iron is a seven. Or is I should? I should.

And eight. As I've said to many girls who are asking me if they should get married, lock in while rates are low. Oh my God. That's really what you want to do. I know. Here's the thing is I know that I'm gonna age, like Robin Wright pen is my goal to age like her

and to say sexy. Well, like sexy for a certain not for you, but for a certain man, no offense bill. I've already passed bills cut off. And I don't take a that and i don't i don't care like that you're honest about what you like that is to me thank you so refreshing because this because there are people that are not lying about being in the older women they are in great absolutely more than ever

criminal if you do not have to do an older woman no you can't help with you like it's what you it's what your normal dna is telling you, most men are faking it, okay? I'm just not faking it. But yes, let me just say, I've noticed this trend a lot. Men are way more into older women than they used to be.

They used to be great. Especially, especially out here in LA. Oh yeah. That's a big thing. Maybe it's because the milves and the cookers.ers, the young girls have had a good for too long. Well, they, but they, Take them back to city. This is the city of young women since the beginning, since the 50s.

So yeah, I like it. And I'm sure. But we see where you see older women thriving sexually everywhere. This is, L.A LA is that kind of city. I'm telling you, it's because it's kind of... I love it. You're gonna move back. It's like a lot of pretty boys, you know?

It's like... Well, yeah, the way is like the older women. That dynamic... The stepmother... Well, I don't know, but that dynamic is reversed here compared to, I'm not reversed completely, but there's a lot of like pretty 20 year oldold boys who are with 40-year-old women. Yeah, I love it. They're Kate Beck and sailing.

I love these girls dating younger guys. What is this about you? You had something with the Kardashian. Even the guy on my radar. So stupid. What is the body thing? I just want transparency in what work women are having when they are, you know, the ambassadors of skincare products.

I want them to be completely transparent about the stuff that they use to look good. What is she going to get brought? Well, she has a skincare line that I would love to use. I can't wait to see. I like her. She once said, which I love so much in a Rolling Stone article recently, I think it was only some that she would eat poop every day if it meant saying younger. That's how important it is to her. She once said, which I love so much in a Rolling Stone article recently, I think it was the only zone that she would eat poop every day if it meant to say younger. That's how important it is for her. And that's a funny thing to say. Like, I respected it. And

I like, I watch her show. I like her. I have a particular thing about shit. So I can't do that. Okay. So you don't like that. One thing that I told you, I just don't like that. Oh, yeah. You and Chris share that. Yes. Yeah. I hate any shit jokes. Okay. So that's why it's, but it's a nice person. I agree. For Kim Kardashian to say that she would eat poop. I mean, that's a disgusting thing. For Kim Kardashian to say.

It's disgusting for anybody to say. So let's stop saying it. But it proves a point, but you're right. I know that you're thinking. I'm sorry. I won't talk about it again. And that's why you said pisser get off the pot. Instead of shitter get off the pot.

You were so cute that you modified every poop. No, I can say shit. It's not going to try to be crazy, but it's just gross. Shit. Why don't I explain this? I know. I'm sorry. Okay.

No. Well, you know what shit to me? You know why I like shit jokes? Because it is something we call to every single day. It is a part of our lives that are so shameful. And yet we all are doing it. And it's like, if we just talked about a little bit, we wouldn't like, we're not,

this doesn't mean we're gonna start feeding it. It's just, we're just gonna talk, it's a thing. It's a shameful, it's gross. There's a difference, it's not shameful. I'm not ashamed of the take issue. I feel like gross isn't shame or intertwined for me then. Well, that's something that really a shrink should talk about then that, that, that.

Well, you just unlocked it for me, Bill. Yeah, really. I mean, because they're not the same thing, that you're completely associating. I mean, that's, I think, basic fraudiness and or ericson and one of them talked about the anal stage. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Something definitely happened in mind. Right. Okay. And that affects your personality for the rest of your life. I mean, I'm anal in the sense of very neat, very organized. I'm not sure why they connect that to anal or why. Yeah, that's not the,

that probably the word didn't come from. I know, I think it might be that they, you know, look, my mother, I was a great mother, so I'm sure she kept me very clean, but I think it usually comes from, if you had a bad experience like sitting in your own shit or something. Yes.

That's where I think people want to play with shit. I'm not into that. Like, I don't like it. But like, anal stuff I do like, and there is a, and there is something happened then, because I remember, I remember waiting for my mom to pick me up. This is not gross.

I promise you, this is not gross. It's okay. I was waiting for my mom to pick me up from my friend, Kirsten's house and like, sitting, waiting on her front porch and she had like a, it looked like a butt plug, like as the, on the railing, you know, like the point of the railing. And I just remember like, just, you know, like,

we're just like kids bouncing around, probably like six or seven grade. And I remember it kind of went up my ass and I was like, oh boy, mommy likey. And it felt like, it instantly felt, that feels so good. Don't ever do that again. It was more so than when I would like hump,

like a bar as you do as a young woman. Or as you like, I was never, it instantly, so it wasn't thing for me, but I think it is for a lot of people. Young women like horses because, yeah, we were middle class, so it didn't, that was maybe birthday party a couple times It wasn't gonna be something I could really get into

But isn't that a thing that yeah, it's kind of like a vibrator to sit on a horse or something. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, I could see you girls definitely being able to come from riding a horse gymnastics What animal could you get on that would stimulate your asshole? Is there a different a camel? Something with some protruding thing on its back. I mean, porcupine. Oh God a segasaurus might be as a vegan. I couldn't but I will think about it later. All right, so Yeah, I think it's pretty good. Yeah, things are pretty good.

Yeah, very good. Oh, I feel better now. It's so fun to just have a fun hang and get worked on and it doesn't feel like work. All right, so tell your boyfriend, I'm so... I know, I mean, I usually use that phrase very like so I castically tell your boyfriend. I know, I love it. But in this case, like sarcastically. I know, I love it.

But in this case, it's very true. I'm sorry, I love that. I can't wait to have a lifetime of hangs with you. I'm so, reclempt, is that the word? Oh, yeah, I'll take that. I learned it from a sketch, so I don't know. Yeah, I'm so reclempt.

I think that's the word that you, you know, and Chris, that I was able to play a small part in moving that along. Absolutely. I can't think of two people who, like, you know, look better together. And he was so solicitous of you. I remember him taking the video when you were on stage. He was in the wings, like genuinely laughing at jokes.

He must have heard a thousand times. So many times. There were sometimes about him. That's, I genuinely laughing at jokes. He must have heard of thousands. So many times. There were some times about him. That's, I remember. I remember, right. I remember on that trip. It's such a trooper. People saying, like, wow, he really loves her.

Because, you know, that was my evidence. Like, wow, when you're laughing at the joke, you heard a million times. That's love. It's, and that is such an important part of our relationship for me is that he really just thinks I hung the moon in terms of like talent.

And sometimes I constantly doubt that about myself and I need, that's the most valuable, if I have that by my side the rest of my life, I'm gonna be like able to do anything. Someone that's constantly telling you, and you trust their opinion when it comes to comedy, telling you you're funny and that you can do anything and like knows TV, it just gives me so much confidence.

It's like Joan Rivers and Edgar and that came out all the way, that's a, you know, bad example, bad example. I was seeing Tessie, I mean, oh wait, that's like a name. Oh no, another bad example. I'm sure this one, Lucy and Gary worked. All right. Has it ever worked? No. All right, time to go. All right. Has it ever worked? No.

All right. Time to go. All right. I love you. I love you. All right. All right. Yeah.

All right. I'm so glad. This was so fun. I'm going to have the rest of us. I'm just going to walk in. You want to do it? No, no, no. I don't need to.

All right. I don't know. No, no, no, I don't think so. All right.