Club Random with Bill Maher - Rachel Bilson | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: December 17, 2023

Bill and Rachel Bilson on: the insanity of giving jokes away for free on Twitter, when Whoopi attacked Rachel, the concept of being “manhandled,” Rachel’s comment about a man’s partner “number,” the behavior of married people, how pets can destroy a relationship, the importance of parenting, the right age to give a kid a phone, the meaning of “clap it out,” and how dragon flies stay in tandem. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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There's a lot of classic movies that I've never seen. It's hardly a classic movie. Hi. How you doing? Well, nice to meet you. I've been a fan of yours. Oh, my God. I read about you controversially and I say, you know what? I have to, I am Hollywood's ombudsman to when people get into trouble.

Yes, of course. I've rehabilitated many people like Kathy Griffin and not that you need rehabilitation. I'm sure. But when I saw you get into trouble for something, we don't even have to talk about it right now. We can. I was like, oh, I always wanted to meet you. You're good at what you do.

Thank you. And your podcast, what it's just girls, right? No, it's actually not. It's a little girl heavy, but it's not just girls. Oh, I thought it was girls like talking about the thing that only they can say. We do do that a lot. But yeah, no, we have everybody. It's just kind of like, why can't I say it? Say Say what? Whatever. Yeah, why can't you say it? I'm asking, what ever girls are saying that I'm not supposed to say, why can't I say? I feel like we make too many, you know, lanes and lines like, how could you possibly, those are lady who wrote a book, a lady, a fine author.

Yeah. Who wrote a book? What was it called? Oh, it's called American Dirt. Okay. And it was a white lady who imagined what it would be like to be a Mexican immigrant, you know, which we used to call empathy. I think the noble thing, it operated too until the world came down because like, how

could you, white know, no-pre-diet too, until the world came down, because like, how could you, white lady, know, like, can't, but I'm imagining to try to, like, get under your skin and not feel in a sympathetic way. Right. I mean, it's like the same thing, even with acting, like, you know, nobody can play anything else. Same thing, right? Same exact thing, right? It's just, there's a lot of sense to it.

Right, God forbid, you're in West Side Story. Right. Because next thing they'll tell us is, you know, street gangs don't dance. They should, you know? I really feel like they should. I think I would solve a lot. But yeah, I think that it's just all part of it.

And there's just so much sensitivity. You have to be so careful and all of that. But. Have you run into that and acting like anything that you like, And there's just so much sensitivity, you have to be so careful and all of that. But... Have you run into that and acting like anything that you, like they said, well, you can't do that because you're this? No, not yet. You know, I think that there are people that, like,

you can't play, let's say, you're in a wheelchair or something. No, well, you know, like, you can't... Definitely, no. Definitely. They'd be very mad at that. They'd be very, very mad, which,. Well, you know, like, you can't, definitely don't, no. Definitely. They'd be very mad at that. They'd be very, very mad, which of course, you know, but then you look at all the things that have happened

in history with movies and whatnot and performances. And so it's like, where is the line drawn? I don't really know. Well, it's also, I think, bad for the people who are actually in the wheelchair, or trans, say, like, you're not supposed to play trans unless you are. But that's not a good deal for the trans person or the wheelchair person. If it works in reverse,

you really only want to play? Well, I guess you only can't. But that doesn't have to be the focus of the- It doesn't have to be the focus. Right, right. I mean, for a long time in every movie where there was a, you know, needed a computer with, it was always a guy in a wheelchair. I don't know why they got that into their head,

but I think they first- I'm trying to think of movies. Well, the first time I saw it was, Kevin Costner, not the guy'm trying to think of movies. Well, the first time I saw it was Kevin Costner, not the guy in the wheelchair, of course. No, yeah. He's in his white navy uniform. What was it? Oh, God.

It's really good. It's really good. It's not a few, that's Tom Cruise, right? A few good news. Yeah, that's Tom Cruise, that's Rob Cruise. It's a uniform, but it's not that. No, this is like, no way out, maybe. Yeah, exactly.

I won't be able to think of it. It's him and Gene Hackman. Yeah. And they think he's a Russian, he's in the Navy, but they think he's a Russian spy. Mm-hmm. And then he is. Oh, sorry.

It's boiler-ruler. If you were gonna watch it. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of that. But I can take sure a lot of men, like Kevin Costard Tom Cruise and the uniforms on movie posters. I think that happened a lot when I was growing up. What was that? Just like a lot of men in uniforms on movie posters. Yeah, I think still. I think you know what? I think maybe you're right. Well, now the uniform is probably spandex, because they're superheroes.

And you know, when I was younger, that was, I guess they made superman movies like every five years, but it wasn't. Right. It wasn't a thing. Wasn't the Marvel universe. Right, so the, no, no universe. Right.

So the people who, you know, were the heroes, were people who could, you could relate to. Right. You know, you can't be Spider-Man, although plenty of kids fucking, you know, yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think looking up to superheroes is a little. There are even movies, at least one or two I've seen, where people, I think they're comedies, but they like get a super power, there's something uniform thing and they make themselves, but they're just the guy who works at the 7-11, and then at night they go out and I bet you people

really... 7-11. Whatever they are, And then they really want to live that life. I mean, men, you know, they say men are in more crisis now than women. Why do you think they say that? Probably too much drugs. Well, then that's always right. No. Well, because of what we're talking about a little bit, like men feel lost because there's

not a place for them to be heroic anymore. They don't, and society is geared much more toward the skills that women have. In other words, we're not in a musli society anymore. Men used to work at the factory and the plants. And now it's more office work and computer screens and communicative is important. It's an information economy. It's not a mill economy. So men lost the thing that they were good at.

Grunt work. Yeah, they're good at swinging axes. Right. Yeah, I mean, I think that, I mean, I think there's truth to it, and I think because society has changed so much and it's like, oh, I invented an app and I made a billion dollars,

and then all of a sudden they're now, you know, most powerful or whatever, you know, where they feel like a man because of money, right? I think, I mean, that's probably always been, but I feel like now even more so, because you look at people like Elon Musk or whoever, you know, and they're doing all these things that are just making billions and billions,

and then people are looking up, not everybody, but some looking up to that. And it's a different thing. And I think that- I look up to that. I mean, we all, and it doesn't look up to like billions of dollars. Not, not. I've learned to like use Twitter judiciously now. Like, I did a long one about after I saw Barbie.

Yeah. I guess that's going back some months. I did one after a Republican debate. And then I post stuff that, you know, just, like you say, you're using it to be your own publicist and tell people what, and they want to know. Yeah. But I used to, like, every day try to, like,

okay, I'll feed the beast and tweet out some funny little thing. I mean, they're looking for that for me. And it's like, it's just not worth it. The problem with Twitter is anything I want to say on Twitter, I can't say on Twitter because they'll just savage you. And the way the society lets the, I'm quite sure they're a small minority, but so powerful, control everything and control what people think and how they follow like fucking sheep. So it's just like, yeah, could I amused like 95% of you with no problem with some little thing and by it, well, they, it's a free joke. I remember David Letterman's old girl, Merle Marco, and I shouldn't identify her that way.

She's a genius comedy writer, but that's how people know her. But her books are hysterical, and she said, you know, I finally figured out Twitter. People will read my jokes for free. You know, and yeah, exactly. So it's like, I'm doing this for free, but then I got to take all the shit

because you got bent out of shape about nothing. You just look for things to bitch about. And other people are too intimidated to go, that's a stupid thing to bitch about. It's just safer to go, yeah, exactly. I feel the same way. Right. Right, we should not have non-dwarves playing dwarves

or dwarves playing non-dwarves. I can't remember what it is, but whatever it is, I'm on the right side. Right. Right. We should not have non-Dwarves playing dwarves or dwarves playing non-Dwarves. I can't remember what it is, but whatever it is, I'm on the right side of it. Because I'm an ally of dwarves. I feel like you are. I am. Right? I'm an ally of everybody.

You have to love everybody. Almost everybody except like, you know, what? The rear guard, maggot, nuts. We're all, I mean, the way they go after normal liberal people like us, like as if we're conservatives, because we don't quite come up to their stupid,

unnecessarily, stick up your ass, regimen, fuck off. So, oh, let but bring perfect segway. You can see this show has great preparation. Oh, that's how I roll. It's perfect. But the thing that got you. Yeah, yes, yeah. The last one about.

Which one? You, right, there was, who are you, who are you feuding with now? Oh, oh, whoopee. Whoopee Goldberg. Yeah, whoopee came after me. I feuded with her many times. I'm sure many people have, but I would imagine. I don't ever want to or try, and I actually don't take the bait.

But she, look, look, they have a show five days a week. Right. They got a... They get sent, like, here are the headlines. Right. Here's the clickbait. Choose something to talk about, right? It has to be one of it.

So, it's good. You gave her something to... I gave her something to talk about. Right. Right. Yeah. And that's the same thing with me. I gave her something to talk about. Right. Right. Right. And that's the same thing with me. I think they do. And you know, she sends her peace and I like her.

There's no, there's no, there's no feud there. We don't have, you know, and also I'm always preaching. People don't have to agree. They don't have to. They don't have to listen to them. And they shouldn't. Right? We're boring.

Yeah. But it is, and it is also exasperating and infuriating when people, they just are so stupid and they pick something and they talk about it stupidly. And then you have to like, oh my god. I know. That's just, and again, I don't think the vast, vast majority of them mean it. They just don't want to get on the, what? They just have to have something to talk about.

And also, no one gets canceled for being too woke. Right. That's the problem, is that it's just safer to go, yes. I, what was your thing? The, the, the first thing. I have so many bills, so like when you say no, I know. No, the one that, the one that she would be called me out on. No, no, no.

The first thing. Yes. Well, there's like the big dick thing. There's the man handled thing. I mean, really? Man handled. Okay. Yes.

Man handled. Yes, Bill. Let's talk about being handled. That's right. That's what I read in an infuriated. That you just said something that you like, when you're fucking, you like to be man-handled. Like 95% of women do. Well, yes.

You know what, I would just like to say to all of them, if you're lucky enough to have some girl agree to fuck you, then the woman wants you to do it properly. Like a man. Like not like a boy. Like a man, you don't like boy. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic.

Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic.

Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. Like a man, not classic. That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's

right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. But in the context of the conversation, it was just like, we were just talking. And it was, I was being like, you have funny and like comically, but like, there's no apology necessary for any of it. I know, I know, it's hard sometimes though to not. You know what I mean?

It's hard not to throw things at the wall. Yeah, speaking of the wall all the time. I mean, just... Because of the double one of, it's true. Yeah. And it's unnecessary to get upset about it. So, yeah. You know, it's like the hypocrisy of that. Like, not only shouldn't you be bitching about this,

but you know you're not even right. Right. Right. And if you don't like to get manhandled as a woman, yes, there's what the fuck is wrong with you. How dare you. I'm out. Yeah. No, you know, of course there's always, I get it, kids, there's always a spectrum of everything in human sexuality. Yes, yes. I think the spectrum they don't talk about is the super horny people, but I'll get to that in a minute.

No, please do. But there are definitely all the way from over here is what's her name and she's asexual. I don't know. Okay, I'm asexual. I don't know. Okay, I'm not gonna say because I don't wanna say it if I get it wrong. Oh yeah. Then, you know.

I wish I could help you out. Not Ellen or Roosevelt, she was a lesbian. No, there was this celebrity who's famously asex. Okay, meaning you have, it's not that you're gay or you have no interest. It's you have other interests. Right. Right.

I'd rather be stamp collecting or. I like that you go to stamp collection. Sports or. Point collecting stamp collecting. Yeah, wine tasting. Wine friends. I have dinner. Food.

Food. You know, a lot of people are asexual, not by choice. Oh. But these are people who really, yeah, they're just not that interested. Right. Other interests. And on the other end, you have lymphomaniacs. Yes.

They're a truly such a thing. They're not that good. Yes. I mean porn stars are generally, it's not just, well, it is that. I mean, they're paid a pittance. Yep. They just, they are addicted to sex. Yeah.

And not all. I don't want to... No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But yes, certainly not. There is a form of that. I have a best friend who was in a relationship with the porn star for a very long time. Really?

Yes. She didn't know he was actively doing the porn while they were together, but... Come on. ...that's where it got. How did she not know? Isn't it stuff to be seen? I'm in... Yeah. I don't, you know, maybe turn a blind eye. Like one of those things. I'm not sure.

Is it friendy years? Yeah. Yeah. Good friend. Yeah, one of my best friends. It was an interesting story. I guess everybody has their blind spots. Everybody has their blind spots, you know? I mean, it's, yes, that was an interesting one. Fucking a porn star and not knowing. Not knowing. Well, no, I mean, it's yes, that was an interesting fucking a porn star and not knowing Not knowing well, no, I will say when the movie came out. What did he say? You mean one of the hundreds Whatever is this is it when there was actual movies or this like recently this was like recent

Oh, so videos that but somebody must see it and go There's Ted someone did see it was like There's a and go, oh my goodness, there's Ted. Someone did see it and was like, there's Ted, there he is. Hey. And someone did see it and discover it. And we're like, hey, you know, and we looked and like, that's his fucking hair, like right now. That's definitely current.

And so she discovered it that way. She knew he didn't the past. So in all fairness, she knew he had been, but didn't know he was active. But she was not a porn star. No. Because we often porn stars marry each other. Is that right?

Of course. Okay. You know, like actors. Like actors. Yeah. For fuck's sake. Yeah. Right, but not you.

You've never been married. What happened? What's going on there? Not interested? Not for you. Well, let's look at what the possibilities could be. Okay, let's do it. Because one of the possibilities though, is, you know, would make me really not feel good

about myself. Why? Well, what are the possibilities I didn't want to, or be, no one would have. That's the implication of be. When you ask that question, the implication is maybe no one would ever have wanted to get married to you. No, I automatically assumed it just wasn't for you. I'm fucking with you, but, but I mean, it is funny. People are so locked into, I think, the, or- I've never been married.

Never been married. No. I have a kid. You have a kid at an old, yeah. Right, and I've had long term. Right. Well, I mean, it turns out how long, how have a long term. I have a kid. You have a kid, and yeah, right, and I've had long term right well I mean, it depends on how long how long your term was long term meaning I was your long was your sentence Yeah, I had one term one term for

But this is going back Like late 80s and early 90s for five years. Okay. is that your longest? Yes, I was in my mid 30s. It was like the time to get married if I was gonna do it. Right. You know, nice and fertile. Yes, you know, you're just, anyway. Five years and.

Sliding doors, you know, didn't happen. And I mean, look, I didn't have, because I just never really could convince my own self, I could do it. And I was right. Right. And yet stupidly, after that, I did, I say stupidly, kind of, because I did get into other long-term

serious monogamous relationships for three years, two years, three years. Yeah. And I must have known that if I couldn't make that one work, the long one at the time that was right, and she was great, then was it ever gonna be, did I ever really change with not being able to look in the mirror and go,

are you sure you're gonna be okay with only fucking this person for the rest of your life? And I never got that. The mirror was like, the mirror did aspited. I mean, at least you're honest with yourself. Exactly. Right?

And being true to yourself. Although there are relationships long term that you could, I'm sure, have an open one. And then it's just, you know, no need. Well, I feel like my line on that is always, nobody's that cool. Nobody's that cool. They're not.

I mean, it can work for a bit, but it's hard enough to, long term, yeah. Somebody's always not getting enough water as my friend, Paul Reiser, said about showering with another person. Someone's not getting enough water. I love that. I know, it was a another person. Someone's not getting enough water. I love that. I know, it was a great joke.

That's great. And like, somebody's not getting enough dick in a threesome, just the sex. Well, unless it's two guys one girl, then there's too much dick. Well, I bet your pardon. Don't bring unnatural acts into this sacred... I feel this is a safe space.

It is a safe space. It is a safe space. You're in the nest. Yeah, well, it's not for everybody. Anyway, you were right. Yeah. I'm here to tell you about the manhandler. They should never have taken any shit for that. It's also the busy bodies.

Like what fucking business is it of yours? Why do you even get into this? Club random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. Another year is almost in the books and it seems like every year we go, well, things can't get any crazier and every year we turn out to be wrong. It seems like just a year ago,

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Oh, okay. Get right over there. It gave this trouble. I want to gallantly throw down my... It's very... It protects you exactly. Yeah, I just thought it did. Yeah, but I think that it...

But that's the whole thing. And the whole thing with our podcast and I know you're so good about just having a space to talk about whatever it is, you know, and it's just like to come under such scrutiny and like in the spotlight for something like that was, it was kind of mind blowing. And you're right. And I'm fucking right.

And you're right. And it's not, it's not,. It's not even a minority opinion. And again, I was saying before, the full spectrum, all the way from asexual to them from maniac and everything in between, I get it. But why pick on people who are somewhere in that spectrum? Right.

Wherever it is, even if only 10% of women like to be manhandled. They should have the right to say so. In fact, if it was 10% they'd probably defend you, because then you were a man. But you're not a minority. No, I don't think anyone I talk to you agrees. Well, I'm not saying everybody, but there's a lot of support behind it. If you just, if you just like look in the media and shit, you would think we were all now. Okay, you were trans or fluid or spectrum, something. We're just, but really, I don't know, I feel like, first of all, humans don't evolve that quickly. Women as I, as I see around me, they're kind of the same as they always were.

They're mostly into guys, not all. And I don't, you know, lesbians go to Lesbian bars or something, I'm never gonna see them. So I, but I understand that that's a real thing and they're out there and great. But like most, I mean, the bachelor's still on. The golden bachelor is now on. Every bachelor is like 15.

Every version of the bachelor. So there's gotta be something to the same old. Right. And it is, they still women and they still want the roses and the man handling. And the man handling. This is what you're trying to do. They do not want someone, if you're, okay say, if you're gonna give up the pussy,

you do not want someone to do it badly. At least then do it correctly. Don't pass out. You're gonna take the time. Right. Don't pass out some weak shit. Right. I really respect everything some weak shit. Right. I really respect everything you're saying.

I mean, I'm just backing you up. I appreciate the support. I really do. I appreciate you appreciate. It's nice to be nice to the nice. No, but it's such a silly thing. You know, it is. Even like what what be called me out on.

Okay, so what was that? She said, now, the whole conversation, if that? She said, I said, now, the whole conversation, if you listen to it, I said, I think it's weird if a guy's in his 40s and only slept with like a few people. I maybe said four. I met more like two. And then I backed it up and I was like, hold on.

I take that back, that sounds judgmental. What if they were married or long-term or just only a bloomer like that's totally fine. So I like backtrack. Some people, okay, there's another one in there. I mean, of course, this is completely antithetical to my own life. Yes. But there are people who I've heard men say this, and there's some backing to this scientifically that if you just have, start with one person, stay with that one person, you don't, for the rest of your life,

are always tempted by this idea of there's others because something about some mental barrier there, there is the only one, where it's like, if you have, if you ride away, you have three or four lovers, you're like, oh, there's already a relativity to sex. Right. That you can never erase. Like it could always be better or be different, you know. Yeah. I think it's stupid, but. If I'm just trying to say,

there is, but I get it. So you back to that. I was actually, even in the conversation, right when she called out the one line, I was like, hold on, if you're gonna take the time to like call me out, almost felt like shaming, you know, weird, because that's like a big thing now, you know, like, shaming, whatever. I was like, hold on, but if you listen to the whole conversation, I immediately say, wait, I'm not judgment. I'm all about whatever works for people, you

know. It was just like, I was just fucking shooting the shit and just being like, and I, and also it's like, and I've gotten into, I mean, I lost the whole show for something that everybody knew what I meant. And didn't even say what they were, they were implying something. But there's no benefit of the doubt. And that was like 20 years ago,

given to people who just like, I know what they meant. Yeah. Of course you do, you fucking phony. You absolutely know what they meant. You're lying. I normally don't respond when I get called out for things, right? I shouldn't. I don't.

Don't give them the satisfaction. Right, I don't. But then again, it's like, all right, well, if you're talking about my podcast and I said something, let me respond because it's just gonna like bring more people to maybe hear the conversation in the first place. No, just strategically. Should be sending them a fruit basket.

I should be sending what be a fucking Christmas present is what I should be doing, you know? Look, you got on this show. I got on this, I got on this fucking show. I should have brought you a fruit basket. I will, I'll send one. Um, yeah. It might be.

Score myself a fruit basket. Poppownies, but you know, so, so why did your marriage not work? I wasn't ever marrying. I mean, you're, you're, uh, with the long term. Yes. I mean, it must have been long if you had a kid. It was 11 years. 11 years. Can't hear like, does that, are you okay?

Do you need, and you're already sitting there. No, but that's like, you know. It's long. Yeah, that's a definition of a long term relief. That's probably the average of what a marriage lasts. Absolutely. I'm pulling that out of my ass. No, but I think, but I mean, 11, 13, like, you know, it's like, it's like, it's

like, it's, I mean, first of all, they identified something called the seven-year-ich. Yeah. Back in the 15th- That was the Marilyn Monroe movie with her skirt blowing up. That's right. That's right. Yes, you've never gotten there. No. No.

No, and anyone who gets there has my respect in a certain way, but also, I mean, first of all, again, back to the spectrum, we all have, we're all different places on the spectrum. Some of us are, I know, plenty of guys who are like, there's something they've never had sex, they're just not, that's not the main thing in the marriage or the life. You know, I asked a friend, a very old friend and I said, you know, this is, I don't know, 10, 20 years ago, but we were already in our 40s or 50s or something, and I said, what, you know, I guess we were talking

about marriage and shit. And I said, well, what is meant, you know, your sex life like now, honestly, I can talk to you about it. I wouldn't ask this to a lot of people. And he said, sex is like a pleasant surprise. And I thought, that is not good enough for me. I just, and I mean, a lot of people,

there's truths a lot of people, there is completely sexist marriages. Then there's, you fuck on your birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day. Well, I can't say that's sad because the people that have that, it's their thing. See, it's like every time you say something. Exactly, and I'm saying people on that end of the spectrum are different than say Mick Jagger. Right.

Yes, completely. Correct. I was staying at a hotel in Amsterdam in 1999. Yeah. At the same time as the Rolling Stone. Oh my God. And I remember just looking at the window and seeing this parade all day long of girls going into that hotel.

Oh! I didn't know you were going to say going into the hotel. In and out, like him. Sorry. going into the hotel in and out like him. I mean I'm just saying some people are more revved up that way. Yeah. And some people also just don't you know. Everybody's different. They can't, some people can accept like and again I don't want to be judgmental, but like, perfunctory sex. That's a really funny word.

Yeah, okay, married sex. No, I'm sure there are some married people who are, you know, really lighten it up. But in general, I don't think I'm the only one who has experienced a diminution in, you know, passion as things go over time. Right. Especially if you see each other every day.

It's very common. Every day. Yes, it's very common to kind of fall into a pattern or whatever. And I think that is the majority of people in long-term. But I have friends that are married and they're still like three times a week and you're like, that's fucking, that's a lot for a long-term marriage. And how do you know this? Because they tell me because I ask the question, well, I'm there. Just because they tell you, doesn't mean they're like, no, I know the ones that are lying and I know the ones that actually do. Because there's definitely ones that are lying about it. But you have to admit, married couples are absolute geniuses.

They can be fucking beefing with each other, like incredibly when they go out in front of other people. They are now a team again. Right. Because, like how many marriages blow up and everyone's like, I did not, I'd know. I didn't see it coming. Like they keep it under wraps.

What do you think that is? So well, because they're embarrassed by it. Oh, right. Like a failure thing. It's like a failure thing. And so would they, and you think, oh my God, this couple, I thought they were like so. Doing great.

They put on just such an amazing show until it blows. And then it's like, what? Marrow Straype has been separated for six years. No, that's right. Six years. No, it happens all the time, but I've seen it happen to people in my life.

And I'm like, I'm not a naive guy. Right. And you have no idea. And then I'm shocked. Married couples are... Yes, well, we wouldn't know, personally. I feel like 11 years, you know more than I do. I definitely know more than you do.

And a kid. And a kid, yeah. I have a few things on the train pole. Yeah, for sure. I didn't even live with the five-year? Yes, the last year. OK. And that's why it ended.

It's not really why it ended, but it's like, it's like, people do things to save the relationship and they're usually the worst things you can do, like have a baby or let's move in together. I mean, it's like you're doing the opposite. It's like when doctors used to put dirt in the wound. It's not helping. You know what I mean?

It's you're doing the opposite of what would help this. You should get away from each other. Right. Not have a baby. You know, we thought the baby would bring us together, but it just sat there crying. It didn't lift a finger. It's like you're placing the bed. Is what it did. Have you ever had a dog with a partner? Oh, well, I don't know. I thought you just get to do you have a dog? Like I definitely always have dogs. Dogs are one. Do you have a dog?

Dogs are wonderful. But a shared dog, I mean, that's the next step of commitment. But I'll tell you something. What? You know what? What? Pets. Yeah.

Aproposal, we were just talking about. Yeah. And I love pets. I'm a Peter Bord member, have been since the night. Absolutely. Animals is my love. But when married couples are in that phase where they've lost this bark, pets are actually not good. I've seen it. You know why? Because the people put all their affection into the pet. To the pet.

Like, a lot of it is like, even if you're not fucking like rabbits anymore. Yeah. Okay, you don't have to hold hands and touching it. But when that goes, you know what I mean? Yeah. And it goes into the pet. Yeah.

I've seen Mary, where each one has their chair and each one has the pet in their lap. Yeah. And the focus is going wrong. You can have some kids too. Yes, how about it does. Right. I have news for you. I forgot about children.

Children, little people. Literally all of you go into that. That's right. Yeah, I mean, that's just the truth. And I mean, that for me at least. No, that is the way to be a mom. You know what? You've got to do it all the way.

That's right. A lot of our problems, I feel, in society is bad parenting. It just all starts with bad parenting. I mean, it's the biggest thing. And for me, it's always number one. That comes before absolutely everything. And that's why it was so hard to figure out, even coming here, and for me, it's always number one. Like, that comes before absolutely everything. And that's why it was so hard to figure out,

even coming here, because I, you know, it's her and a single parent and like, you know, logistics and whatnot, but it's the most important thing in the fucking world. And just creating this human. I'm sure she's safe even though you're here, right? No, she's actually in the car. She's on her iPad.

She didn't leave her on the road. She's just directing traffic outside. No, I'd say you put a screen in their hands and never get in. Oh my god. They don't even know your God. She could be sitting like right here on her iPad and just have no clue. It'd be like yeah, I'm fucking manhandling. She would have not right over her head. So she's a good kid. And yeah, that's the most important thing in the fucking world. You couldn't, I wouldn't. And you know, the girl? Yeah. She just turned nine. Oh my gosh. I know. She's getting old. It's kind of crazy. Well, it's certainly, it's certainly not too young. I mean, I say this like, I know it. I think it's not too young to be cognizant of all the prenicious things

that are out there in our society. I mean, obviously she, well, I don't know. Does she have a phone? No. Oh great. No. Oh, but a lot of nine-year-olds do. Nine?

I couldn't agree with you more, but you think parents? I mean, yeah, look, and there's certain situations that you might need it. Like if they're always away from the parent or home into contact, they're, you know, and they have watches or whatever, I don't know. But no, I'm holding off on that for as much as,

she doesn't even get her iPad. She only had got her iPad like for airplane rides for the longest time. And then, you know, her friends are playing games to play with them. So of course I'm not gonna be the parent. It's like, no, because then they just want it more. And so we have a good balance.

I mean, she watches TV. I, that all that stuff, I get it. I support people like screen time, screen time, but I'm like, if she wants to fucking watch TV, I watch so much TV as a kid and I'm fine. TV is fine. It's the phone. It's the phone.

That's the portal. It's the Instagram. It's the, you know, I don't want, I can't imagine like, she's gonna have to go through high school With Instagram and like all of that and I just it scares So what about when you talk about like racy things? I know What is that initial with you? Yeah, but you think about it. I mean, I didn't think about it It does someone brought it up to me. No, it's like

But what would be wrong if she heard a discussion about pushing the thing? I would tell you, my mother is the most open, my whole life, to a fault. OK, she'll be like, cuddling, gist, and like whatever. And I'm just, you know, when I don't want to hear it. But I think in my daughter's obviously way too young now. But when she's of age, I want to have that open relationship

to be able to talk about everything, because how confusing is it if you know nothing? And like a safe space, just like everything else, I want her to be able to come to me with anything. You know, when you want to protect them, like my mom put me on birth control when it was the appropriate time. It's just like certain things. What was the appropriate time? It's just like certain things. What was the appropriate time?

Well, 12, no. Um, I'm just kidding. No, but I was young and, you know. Hey, it's better to be yes. It's better to be safe. It's condoms and this and that if you have a boyfriend. But what are you saying about kind of Linguist that it's as long as you use the proper word?

Then it's fine. No, do you know I said that on the Wendy Williams show? I used that word and they cut like she freaked out at her face when I said it. Is it like a long? Yeah, because I use the proper term because my mom wanted. What did she want you to be more gutter-o? Yeah, she wanted to be like, fuck, look at that pussy. Like she would have been fine with.

Um, no, but because I said that and she cut it out and her face was in such shock, but that just goes to show society. It's like, why is that considered a bad work? And what point making about it? I don't even, yeah, why was I even talking about it? It was really the question and I can't tell you the answer because I got a question about it. Okay, okay. Yeah, that we got on to these. I got to, I, something got, oh, you're perfect when to ask that. I thought this for a million years. Uh-oh. I never ever asked this to beat. I got to, I, something I, oh, you're perfect when they asked it. I taught this for a million years. I never ever asked this to anybody. Okay.

So like, you know that thing, they were saying about a guy doing the alphabet. Yeah. What can you tell he's doing it? When he's doing it? When they get to pee. And if you, you know, no. No.

No. No. No. You're sure? I mean, I've never. Nobody can. I'm sure, you know, if you put it in my head, the next time it happens, I'm going to be paying attention. And like, all right, here we go.

Next comes L. Right. I mean, I've never, but if you're aware of it, maybe. Do you wonder that? Do you do that? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, some women who are like, we're like, all right, and they're just going along with them. And they're singing it. Not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, know that thing. Also, if you could find out for me, does it have to be the English alphabet? Because I feel like,

I'm still doing my favorite. Well, Chinese, I mean, there's some very elaborate, oh my God. Characters, I believe they're called. So again, you're not now, it's not saying it. Yeah, the characters are like a tiny thing that looks like a little house would feel better on your pussy in a fucking cell. It's a detail.

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It's like there's certain things I don't want her to hear until she's older, obviously. And even now, friends of hers can Google my name, and I'm like, oh, fuck, like what? It's going to come up in the Google alert, quote, whatever. I'm just going to have to cross that bridge when I get to that again. Yeah, I don't think it's gonna be a big thing. Because first of all, I mean, nine,

whatever you're talking about, the kids already know, and they're- I had this conversation recently, my friend's 11 year old boy, we talked about it on the show this week, or whenever, it was like, clap it out. That's what they call sex now. I mean, clapping and hell. I don't get it. I don't. What do you mean? I'll get it. Clap it out. Meaning what? That's what they call sex. I know, but why? Listen.

What? What do you mean? What? What is they're like? Oh God. They're like, you know, when people are having sex. Oh, it sounds like clapping. Sounds like sex. Like when you're, you know? Okay, you're clapping. The boy, they're like 11 and that's what they're saying. They really come up with it. Yeah. Yeah, clap it out.

I know. I was like, what do you mean? They're like clapping. Yeah. I know. I know. I know. Clap it out.

They have all the terms keep changing. I don't know. I can't keep up. That's like the least one that bothers me because it's not really... Well, so this fact that 11-year-olds, and they're not doing it, but they're talking about it, is more of the point than what the word is.

Right, and they're talking about it in a way that is not romantic. But I mean. Well, it's been through your asking, I'm sure. Clap it out, yeah. I mean, that doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me.

Yeah. It's just that they're very, you know, and asking questions about all those things. They do amuse me the way they will like change something ever so slightly and think that they invented it. Well, that or that the old way is so horrible. I mean, we say fire now, not hot. Oh, wow. Oh, right.

That what a leap you made. What a... I'm a man, you mentioned. Yeah. I know. There's subtle change. But every, that mean that again, is a huge thing that's going on now.

And it's kind of always gone on, which is generations think that they have to, for their own identity to mean anything, it has to be very different or even better the opposite of what the people before. And that's where you get a lot of stupid shit, because if you combine that idea with parents who have given their kids no boundaries, then you get like more kids transitioning younger than any other country in the world. Maybe they're all worthy of it, but we're going a lot faster than even other liberal countries think we should go. And that's to me, that all comes from like mom and dad think

people are male and female. Right. Gross. Right. So I'm fluid and I'm, and you know, I mean, there are enclaves in like around where we live where it's almost like uncool. If you're not fluid. If you're, if you're just a heterosexual, it's just uncool. That's just a, I'm not saying there isn't such a thing. Of course, there is as trans, but like there is that element. And that I do think comes from, we just want to be different. You know what? My parents liked Israel. I'm with the people who keep women in Berkis, because I'm a liberal.

It's like, are you fucking nuts? Right. And I think it just comes from, I don't really know anything, because they don't teach anything in school. But I know what the opposite is. So I'm just gonna do that. I'm gonna do that.

And I don't really have to look it up, because mom and dad told me I was a genius, and I always got trophies. So, you know, I know everything. I know everything. Yeah. And in fact, people who, I know everything. I know everything. Yeah. And in fact, people who don't agree with me are committing violence.

Right. Right. You know, and I, you know, I'm like biting my tongue a lot because it's like, so you can't say much about any of this stuff, but I think with anything, and I'll just link this general with kids, whatever is popular or a trend or whatever can catch on like wildfires. Specy on TikTok.

Right. Which I think a lot of the kids are just constantly. Constantly. Yeah. I mean, I'm not on TikTok, but I know people you just get on there and it's just like constant and looping and can't stop. They'll never read a book again. They will.

They will. A book. Oh, I They will. A book. Oh, I love books. Me too. They're like, you know, not a digital book. But yeah, I think that that's just the day and age that it is now. And I think that they're just, you know, learning from. What do you think about like some of these cases of like where a woman, you know, got a guy, I can't, I don't know.

Getting canceled for what, what, what, what she said, what sounded like she called it out. She said, is it just a bad day? Sexual act or something? Well, I mean, a woman wrote a vlog. What did you like to get? Because I don't remember exactly. It was something about giving him a blowjob or something. No, well, yeah, there was that. But it was a whole block about how she was, I mean, she was, you know, saying I was abused in a way. I mean, it was a, it was, and Barry wrote the original piece in the New York Times,

which just said, no, this was a bad date. We've all had bad dates. And then I remember doing a long piece on it in my last stand-up special because it was just perfect comedy fodder, I thought. I don't know him, I wasn't doing it to defend him. We have no relationship. He seems like a nice guy and she was right.

It was a bad date. Like, all along the way, she was, it instances her account, by the way. There's not, this is her account. It's, you know, we went to dinner, he ordered a kind of wine without, he ordered the wine without consulting me on which one. Okay, kind of a dick move, you know.

But, and you could leave, you know, or you didn't have to go back to, you went back to his apartment. Right, didn't have. I remember I said he's five foot four, and I'm thinking dragger. And there was oral sex. And he didn't pick up on the signals.

And the signals, you didn't actually say no. Right. I mean, he should have picked up on the signals was the Just a bit and you know like okay, but Anyway, so And there's been other people who have been canceled same thing or gotten a lot of shit because women

I think Shyla buff we're not with the women, I think, Shia LaBuff went out with a pop star in them, FKA Twigs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I remember reading her piece. And she claimed he was... Well, I mean, a dick, and I think even he would have said he's a dick, isn't he? Right. A dick, like, I don't know. He seems to be even aware that he acts like a dick.

Right. Okay. Actually, you know. Yeah. But and she described, you know, he, he, I think, bent me over the car once yelling at me and stuff like that, which is horrible behavior. Yes. But you could then just go again. And she even says in the piece like, I had a townhouse in London. I could have left anytime and I thought, then why am I reading this?

Right. Right. Why am I reading this if that was the case? Oh my God. You know, I mean, you can't say anything if someone is a victim of whatever, you can't say anything that goes against whatever they're claiming or they're, you know, they're experienced, right?

But I am saying it. But you are. I'm saying there's a point where the woman has complete agency. Right. And I shouldn't be even aware of this thing because you had it within your power. It's different if it goes to, he locked the door. Then I'm with you. Right. Or he held me down. Right.

But if it was like, he wouldn't let me have male friends. Again, on you. the cost of control. I mean that's it. But it's in the app. You have the choice to not write. That's feminism. I'm powerful. I have the choice to go, I can't have any male friends. Oh, well, I'm gonna have one less now by. Right, right, yes, of course. And in a lot of cases, there is the option to leave some. Some there probably, there's other cases to leave some. Some there probably,

you know, there's a lot of cases. Well, again, if you not everyone has a townhouse in London. Right. Yeah. So why did the marriage, I mean, the non-marriage fall apart? I mean, no, it was just the time thing. Time. Time, you know, things happen, things change. It was, it was like, it was difficult. There were many difficult things and... I'm like, what's this secret? Like what are the people, or is it just their nature? I guess it's probably just their nature.

The people who do last, yeah. And seem to be happy. Yeah. I mean, everything, every marriage, of course, is going to have its bumps and its troughs. And I actually know very, very few marriages of any length who won't admit to having a very, almost, make a break moment. Right. Right.

Yeah. Where they did break and then came back. Yes, and you know, even in my long term, there was like a little separation, a little earlier on and then back together and then having a kid and then, you know, just different, he was from a different place and like wanted to spend more time there

and just like sometimes things just don't. Exactly. Exactly. Jell. Well, and things change. Things change. You know, I always think of the dragonflies that used to be right over that pool over there and that would be pool.

And I guess we killed them all, like we're killing all the species. Cause I don't see them all, like, we're killing all the species, because I don't see them very much anymore. But I remember there was, there were like from the 80s, one was like electric blue, like Michael Jackson's jacket. And one was like orange, like, like,

neonny orange, not Trump orange, good orange. And they would fly, always in these pairs. And they would see it all around it. And they would always in these pairs and they would sit all around it and they would stay in tandem. And I thought, well, that's what you have to do if you want to stay in tandem. Yeah. Like, that's so hard to do. It's so hard to do. Because, especially when people in the work that we do in particular, it's a lot of time away in whatever.

So if things, if there's differences, it just creates even more sort of separation because of the amount of time apart due to work and whatnot. So it's just... And we're not living on the prairie anymore. You know, I mean this... But if we were, I'd be manhandled. Yes, certainly would. Yeah, maybe too much. Maybe a little too much. You know, we aren't living on the prairie. And so there's

just so much stimulation. And, you know, and again, like we were saying before, the more lovers you've had, the more each is just numerically less unique. Mm, you think so? Well, I just numerically that has to be the case. Like if you've had two lovers, that the second one, it's like, you know, that's half your, but if you've had a hundred, you know, even, oh, obviously some of them weren't.

Great. But, do you have like, let me ask you as a man. Yeah, we're gonna have to cut out this for it. You just feel it coming. That's not. Yeah, great. Just getting it all gonna get him back. Oh, it gets you back.

Okay. No, but like as a man, because I wonder, right? Because like, you feel like, are there like standout experiences with a woman that you're like, oh, that was really bad? Yes. Sexually. Of course. But like, what makes it bad?

I think different things in different points in my life. I don't think the answer to that, there's not like one. Was the same when I was first having sex as it is now. What made it bad then, she laughed when I only lasted a minute. That's what it made. You know, that's not a problem now. Yeah, she laughed. Okay, laughing was a...

Well, I'm just saying things change so much. Sure. What makes it bad? Well, not everyone's a great kisser. Right. And kissing's a big deal. It's a big deal to people who think it's a big deal. I think I know.

Again, on the spectrum, there are some people that don't care about kissing. Right, sure. Or, and I think if you care about it, you're probably good at it, but it just, yeah, that would make it bad. I mean, that's a bad kissing. Or they can't be like that. Not being able to incorporate kissing into the love- Yeah, it's like a bad-

They're making symphony before and during. Right. Okay, that's fair. You're lucky after. You're lucky after. Ignacio, all right, that was great. Right. No.

But so that's like something. And then of course course it's really how much somebody's into you. Okay, it's not like a literal like anatomy thing. It is not an anatomy. I stand by that statement. No, it is not a totally anatomy thing, but anatomy does play a role. Right. I know that you get, just even get into bed with somebody unless you kind of like they're anatomy.

Okay. Right? Yeah, but some anatomy you might not see before you're in bed with that. Correct. So. So you got his drip club And that's how you do it We have it all figured out. No, I think you know if you pass that barrier

Not got into bed, but someone is not attractive to you Then I think it's really you know love is sometimes in opposition to lust. For example, I think I like you is hotter than I love you. Even though I love you is deeper and more for love. Don't get me wrong. I love love. But I like you. That's hotter than I love you. Because I love you as like, it's better, but we're past that point where it's just a little bit more...

Oh, you've gone back. ...animalistic. Oh, okay. So you've said that I love you, but you've now regressed your love through... No, I'm just saying, in general, yes. Direct back. Even after you say I love you, you should say I like you and bed.

I like you. It's just it's like it it's just What's better? I like your dick or I know it because it's more honest like like is like Love is complicated. He like is not It's just complicated. It's like nice and cozy. What is like? Oh, it's hot. Sorry. It's hot. It's fire Maybe this is a man woman. Maybe this is a different men and women. No, like like I'm like I want to hear like but look it depends on who you are sleeping so You know nobody ever said I like you like first Before I love you. Yeah, every guy just jumps to I love you. I don't know Seriously, I like you

Yeah, I think people say I don't know not trying so I'm like I'm trying to think I'm gonna be a little I feel like it's a little weird not weird. I don't say weird, but it's a little unusual But we don't really know what's usual for other people. That is true. That is very true. Maybe you're unusual. I am very unusual. No, I don't know.

I feel I like you as a fairly common phrase. I'm like, I never hear that phrase. It's truly weird. I don't know. Who doesn't say that at some point? It's interesting. That's the word I want to use. I like you as interesting.

It's more interesting than I love you. Because I love you as like a fucking lot like that is deeper. That is something. But I like you as an interesting person. But I love you as also the one that unfortunately gets so overused. I mean, people say it. Some people say it literally every time they speak to somebody. It's at the end of every two minutes phone call. It's just, you know, I hear people on the plane,

I used to love you, love you, love you, like all. You're like, I think they get it. And do you, I feel like you maybe don't use I love you lightly. Correct? She shouldn't, right? Should you? Right, no, but I mean in relationship. No. And also the other thing

about love that's fraught is that it's got so many different meanings. I love that table. Okay. Well, that's a- So then you love that table then- Right. That's a long way from I love you meaning, oh, this is when we start talking about marriage. Oh, geez. Because that's where- Mary has to come with love. No, I'm saying to a lot of women. Yes. That means, okay, next is the ring. Correct. I don't know.

Oh, come on. No, I know you're right. I was thinking personally, I was just had a moment of, you know, you know, inspection for a second. Yes. This is, yeah. No, I, you're right. Yeah, goes from I like you.

I love you. To I like you. Yeah. I love you. Do I like you again? Do. Well, if you can in general retain the things from when you are courting after you're together for real, you're doing yourself a favor. I support that. I do. I genuinely appreciate you.

Yeah. Act whatever is trying to do. I genuinely think you. Yeah, act whatever it's trying to do. Okay. I think it's to keep the flame lit. You know, there's security. No, you're totally right. Because I'm thinking about it now. And like, I like you.

It's very like sweet and complimentary. And it's a little different. And that's why I say it. Interesting is the right word. Because it's just like. No, it's, it's sweet. That it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. For me.

It's caveman-y. It's caveman-y? Yes, it it's like just saying what you honestly are saying. I'm not saying I fucking love you, but we're fucking now and I like you. Every cave man. It's like, it's what they would say. It's like no woman is thinking, oh, he doesn't mean that.

They're thinking, oh, he means, I mean, I think he really does like me. You know, he, he, he, he doesn't mean that. I'm thinking, oh, he means, I mean, I think he really does like me. You know, he, he, he, he, he, it seems like he likes me. He's showing me, he likes me. He's showing me, he likes me. We're back to getting men in. We're back to getting, he likes me.

That's all it is. Exactly, if he didn't like you. You would not be happening. You would not be being men in. I mean, you would be being weakly serviced. I'd be getting the alphabet. Not the alphabet. English alphabet.

Before I got against a G and it's like, you know what, I got a big data part. This isn't happening. Where's this going nowhere? Okay, I've learned a lot. I have two. Oh good. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Well.

Yeah. No, it's interesting perspective. And you've answered a lot of questions for me that I've often pondered. Right. You know, about... No, I... My pondering these things too, because you're right. It is so hard to cross the divide between, I guess heterosexuals, you know, because we

do have different chemistry and hormones and things like that. So for sure. chemistry and hormones and things like that. So you have to like ask the questions, but those are not the questions you're supposed to ask. You know, I mean, another thing that atrophies in marriage or long term relationships is communication. It's not just a physical part. It's the fact that when a guy wants to have a real deep conversation about what's on his mind or what's going through his day, he goes to the bar with the guys. And he talks to them because he can be completely himself and honest. He doesn't do that with the wife because there's too many, they've had too many fights.

They had, there's too many little landmines that you know if you step on. So you can't like talk about your old girlfriend or something. So you wind up petting the pet instead of the spouse and talking. The two great things in life, fucking and talking. You're doing with other things. Right. That poor dog. Poor dog. How are you though with communicating with your partners? Fucking awesome. I'm gonna talk to you about 30 years.

I'm awesome. All I do is talk. What do you mean? How do I like it? No, with feelings or what? Let's say that because you're not much of the long-term relationship guy. So if you're dating someone, how are you with feelings like the I like you, the I love you, and what not?

Wait, what? I don't know what you're saying. I'll tell you what the answer is, I think. I mean, I don't put a time thing on it and relationships sometimes do morph. But if it's built and built on honesty and friendship, then people don't get mad. then people don't get mad. So it doesn't matter. What makes women mad is lying. Yeah, well, yes.

I wouldn't say that's absolutely accurate. Right. Yeah. So it's amazing how much good will you can buy by never being a fucking liar. Even if it's not what they want to hear. Correct. Yeah.

The great thing about being my age right now is that I mean, I have a built-in excuse for not being remotely considered for like a long-term life-long thing. And your excuse is? I'm old. I'm old You know, I'm not gonna be around for the long You know what I'm saying, right? So you've made it to this point where now you're like it kind of works for me It works for you because why change you like well because I was always Trying to like find a way not to be married and succeeded.

You'd yes, I would say you did. You've seen Man at me for this. I'm very mad. No. I'm not mad at all. No, I'm impressed. You stuck true to yourself. Well, but...

You're a good example for like, Sting. But look at all the people who... You didn't do anything for anyone else, is the point, right? Because I'm sure there's women that would have wanted that and you were like, no. I didn't like you. Well, I had much love in my life, but it did not, I'd never understood why would I like make this something that the

government would be involved in if it fell apart? That's lawyers and what it's like in my love life. I'm going to invite other people in my love life. No, no, no. Yes, I, and it's unpredictable. It is unpredictable. And so let's keep it. That's probably why you never got married, right? I'll tell you this. You didn't want to make it. I, yeah, you never got married. Did you want to get married? I mean, we were engaged at one point, but never married. But this is how I look at it, especially now in my life and everything. If I ever get to that point with someone where you want that kind of commitment, I would rather have a party, a ceremony, whatever, but none of the legal shit.

Like no marriage, no official, you know, because that's just papers and like government and whatever, like you're saying. Papers that caused you a lot of misery later. Not if they were just papers would be fine. It'd be fine, right. But yeah, I'm a big fan of like, let's celebrate. Like let's be committed, let's wear the ring,

whatever you call you my hot blah blah blah, but we don't need to do it the legal way because That's just I don't know I guess I'm more of like a romantic and in that sense and just like love and all of that See, I think I'm a I'm the romantic because I refuse to have a life that doesn't have real romance in it And I feel like if I was married, my life would be bereft of romance at this point. As it is in lots of the marriages I see with the dog on the lap. The fucking dog on the lap. The dog's on laps.

It's just alphabet three times a year in the dog on the lap. I get to me, that was not the life of. I was, no, you wanted. I feel like that's fair. You know? And that's all you're seeing. So what, so not, what? What? So what is your idea like, what if you could paint your,

your hallmarked channel, like perfect. Yeah. Like where your life is now, where it's going, what would it be? Romantically. Romantically. Romantic.

You know what? This is really interesting because I always thought it would be like the traditional merit blah, blah, blah. Now in my life, and having been, you know, a single mom and with my kid for the past like six years or so, I invite a relationship that doesn't have to be conventional or traditional. Like, if you have each other and you're committed to each other, but it's not the same like every day, in and out, routine, whatever, I'm so much more open to that and I never thought that that would be me.

Are you reading my line? This is my line. Flash cards. Why are you arguing with me? Because you're doing the exact same thing. No, but I am willing to commit like long term and do that. I do like that. I like having someone, but they don't have to be there 24 hours a day, so it is a week.

That'll ruin it. I, yes. No, no. I'm trying to die. There was a relationship and then I always would think how do they stay married because he was like you know A way for work two months and then home for two months, and I'm like how did I do it? And now looking I'm like yeah, that's why it's Right, I mean because he was on an oil rig

That's too much No wonder you mad a headdough, you would have got home from that. That's why it succeeded. But as I've gotten older, it's just interesting how things, you know. Things change. Well, I mean, there's that famous book,

Passages. Life is a bunch of passages. So each time you pass through a passage, it's like, it's gonna affect you and your partner differently. Like, what is this passage? And sometimes you go like this. So to drag and fly it is like, you know, it can happen, but it's a. But it's you wind up extinct. Well, I don't know, your drag and flies are no longer around. I know. I know that's really sad and I see bees walking

Bees I know Bees walking There's nothing in center Walking be walking It's like you're not gonna get there, buddy It's like you're not gonna get there, buddy. You know, he's walking, I assume he's walking over to the plant to then crawl up to get them, come back to the hive and have to climb up the tree.

And it's like exhausted by the timing that's there. Those poor fucking walking bees. It's really not funny. It's not funny, it's really terrible. It's the planet. And we don't want to go there. We don't need to go there. It's a funny. It's really terrible. It's the planet. We don't want to go there. We don't need to go there. No.

But it's just the... I can't take animal suffering. Like, if I'm watching a movie... Yeah. ...with people suffering, I'm fine with it. But animals. But I can't even watch... I've never watched... What? ...King Kong.

Because of... He's an animal. Fantasy beast. That's how... But ape. Oh, he's an animal-like. He's an animal-like. He's an animal-like.

Godzilla. I don't want to see Godzilla get hurt. I don't. I know I respect that. I get it. The one what he's in. What? Planet of the apes. Oh, okay more apes

Yes, I Definitely not No, I'm with you as a kid. I couldn't watch movies where like if there's like a battle and a horse goes down I was out absolutely right. I have I have a real problem with Westerns. Especially the older ones, because I know what they did. Yeah, they treated the game at all. To make that horse go down. Yes. Yeah.

I shot a show last summer where I killed a dog. It was terrible. I had a very hard time with it. I have real tears. What show is that? It was a slot, no. What the fuck, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it?

I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it?

I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it?

I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it? I was like, what was it the show is called. What was the? It was like a different episode. Each episode was a different story. Oh God. But like were they in the future? I felt a lot of weed in my youth bill. I spoke a lot of weed tonight.

No shit. I'm hiding this from sitting with you. That can happen. And it's actually quite nice. You're welcome. Thank you. What was the fuck with that show called? What was it about?

Like who were the people in it? Were they lawyers? Were they futuristic? Were they? No, there's a story every episode and it's a different, and it's like, oh, they all go to court for like a crime or something to see if they're innocent or guilty and the accused.

Ah! Come here. Thank you. Oh, Come here. Thank you. Oh, she's that was terrible. Yeah, the accused. Oh my God. The accused. Anyway, yes.

And I was the bad guy. Oh. Yeah. It was fun. Except for the dog. Acting in the 80s. Yes. I did some, uh, two murders she wrote.

You did. Nice. So fucking did it. That's fucking pretty iconic. And one of them was like, no, I wasn't the big guy. I was, oh, I did a Max Headroom. I don't know if you can put that. Oh, of course I remember.

Really? Yes. Okay. So I was the bad guy I think. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I look back on my acting 80s life fondly sometimes, but so glad it never went forward that I was saying to do what I was meant to. I need to watch that now. I only watched your episodes.

Well, I did the iconic Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Of course, everyone knows, of course. And I did Peach and Man. Oh my God. Seven Academy Award. That's me. DC Cab. DC Cab, okay. That's a real movie.

That sounds like a real movie. DC Cab, it's still very popular. I was just saying earlier tonight that there's a lot of classic movies that I've never seen. Like, it's hardly a classic movie. Well, that's, I feel like it's a classic movie, Bill. It's, to a lot of people it is.

I mean, I love the director Joel Schumacher, my rest in peace. Oh. He was fantastic. And I love the people on it, Mr. T. And all the kids. Oh, my God. But I got to say, after all these years,

I just don't think it's a good movie. It's just not my kind of, I just don't think it's a good movie. It's just not my kind of, if I wasn't in it, and even in it, I can't even watch it really. You can't watch it. I, oh I would not watch it. Can you watch yourself?

Do you like watching shows or anything? No, I should, but I don't. You don't. When it's done, it's done. When it's done, it's done, and it seems to be working for 30 years. I mean, 30 years? What am I gonna fuck it up with?

The track record is like, you're pretty good. Maybe it would make it worse. I'd get self-conscious. I don't know. I believe that. I once in a while, you're forced to watch certain things clips and you have to pick something for a promo reel or so I do, you know, I can't avoid it completely, but no, I don't, I've never watched the show, like all the way through.

Right. Right. Okay. No. I mean, you no, I've never watched the show. Like all the way through, I'm like, no. Right, okay. No, I mean, you know, I think that's good. I only look forward. That's important. I can't, I don't get any satisfaction of memories, even though they're wonderful. What?

It's nothing. You have none. Memories, you know. The pot I get. The pot, or the age. Take have none. Rememories, you know. The pot I get. The pot or the age. Take your pick. No, actually, I remember lots of shit. Other stuff, I don't know. It is arbitrary. It seems what your mind retains. Yeah, I would say that's true. I mean, I have clear memories of like little moments that are like, why did I remember that? It's so nothing. That is so true. For most want for me anyway. Yeah. And like movies, I don't retain things like that, but there's little things that mean nothing. Movies, you mean seeing movies?

I can't retain either. I don't retain, like if I watch a movie and it's been enough, like, you know, even a few months, I won't remember a lot of it. But you like doing it, right? Making them. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. You look like you're totally at home in your craft.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're very natural. Well, thanks for saying that. That's very sweet. So do you. You look very at home in your home. I, but I don't have the, I'm not acting, you know, acting is...

You didn't the 80s. I did. No, but it's a lot. You're putting yourself out there every day, all the time, you know. Oh, it's a month of a place. I mean, don't to commence me. I mean, I was never really, I mean, meant to be an actor. It wasn't that hard to do the kind of stuff I was doing.

I also did a bunch of sitcoms. To be a comedic actor. Yeah. I was very successful. As soon as I got out here, I landed, chosen shit. But it was all on that kind of sitcom level. That's the best. sitcoms are the best.

It is gentleman's hours. Yes. And it's not, no, I was a happy with the best. It is gentleman's hours. Yes. And it's not, no, I was a happy boy doing that. Everyone is. I mean. But that's what we all thought as comics starting in New York, we had to do. We come out here and you do it tonight. You would say, I'm on. And I show Johnny Carson and then you do a sitcom.

And like, so this was like the path. Right. I was on the path. Yeah. So, you know, luckily the path ended and kicked me out of it. And I did what I was always meant to do. But, yeah, when you're young, it's so hard to like, well, really make good decisions. Well, yeah, because you don't know anything.

You really notice the older you get, you're like, oh, I mean women mature much faster. Yes, very true. That is not going to fight you on that one, that is very true. How many years head start? What? Do you think a man needs to be on a par emotionally with a woman? 33. I say 40.

That's bloody. No. I say 40. Yeah. That's bloody. No, I don't know. I think, you know, it is very true. But it's really individualized, I think. And I think some men can get ahead, especially in certain areas. Respect room.

Respect, once again, back to the spectrum. Everything is the spectrum. Everything is the spectrum. Everything is the spectrum. People are all over the spectrum. Yeah. Let them be. Let them be. Let them be. That's true. And accepting and...

But it is the exception for a man to be mature. It is certainly teens, 20s. Oh, yes. And then 30s and 40s, you're faking being mature, but you're really not. That's really when you're the most dangerous. Oh, geez. Yeah.

Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, yes. You're thinking, yes. I'm just going to say yes. If I had a lot of experience, I'm going to say yes. Yeah, you have enough to be dangerous. You do. No, no.

You have a car now in a apartment or a house. You know, it's just, you're just. The apartment. Well, whatever. Well, when I was in my 20s. Of course, you have an apartment. You have an apartment? That sounded so judgmental like I was thinking,

you know, and then once again, I would get fucking called out because like, what's wrong with the man and is whatever, having an, there's nothing wrong. Maybe you're in New York City. Maybe you just want an apartment. Maybe that's all the money I have to live. I can't afford a house yet, right?

A hundred percent. I like an apartment. I mean, I wouldn't want to go back to it, but I'm so glad that I had to live through a period of my life when I was absolutely by any standards that we would measure it, poor, like a four person who survived on very little money and lived in shitty places.

Not, I wasn't homeless, but poor. And everything was decided by how fucking poor I was, what I could eat, what jobs I could turn down, none. You know, that's how poor, I'm glad I had the experience. Right. That's very good. Yeah. It's very good to take with you in your life.

When was the OC on what year? We had our 20th anniversary. So you started in 2003? Three. Yeah. Okay. So I was, so that's my first year on HBO real time. So it was more.

I missed my chance. But that, that's what it would have been. I could have come on. For you to see, just, you know, I would have found my way somehow. Well, you are, you'd be a good broadcaster. You're very articulate, you know, you like poised, you know, you'd be good as any kind of, I mean, I don't know if you want to do that kind of work, but it's like, I don't know what I want to do. You don't? Yeah.

I guess I'm doing it. I guess being on a set. But you like being on a set. I do. I love it. I'm just, I'm kind of being funny. No, I do. I love it.

I love being on a set. It's been an interesting world opening up with podcasts and like actually interviewing and talking. Yeah. It's a different beast. And so, it's been fun. Here's what I remember about acting. Yes. I did like, you know, nailing the close up. I guess every actor does feeling like, oh, I got it. Yeah. But I never was, I guess smart enough back then to really embrace acting and then want to act in class or

anything. Like, if you asked me to do, if we did five takes, I'd do the same thing for myself. I was not at that other level where they can go there. And it wasn't my destiny. So, that's okay. But I remember liking that. What I really hated was make up on my face all day. Yeah. Sitting in trailers.

Yeah. Trailers. Like who's in trailers? People who are trailers. That's awesome. Yeah. It's got a fucking crazy, right? You're in a trailer.

You're in a trailer. And also like not being able to really relax because the lines would, you don't want the lines to go out of your head. I remember a lot of times, I'd, you know, you're concentrating so much and then you do that close up and then you have to turn it around

and do the scene for the other person. And even though I I did it the person. And even though I just did it, no, like now I'm, now I can't remember the line. Oh no, because once you did it, you're like, it's done, it's gone. Sorry. I mean, I got through it, but like, yeah,

I was fighting that. Oh, interesting. Yeah. But that makes sense, I think. So I never liked that feeling of, I can never really let go, even though they're gonna keep me here for five hours without doing anything.

Yeah. There is the other side of it that people don't, I mean, people talk about it, but like people don't know when they just fantasize about making movies or TV shows or whatever, it's just the time there is a long time, a long time that way you're not doing anything as well. That's what you're talking about.

Yeah, you have to really love, it's a little like skiing, you know, like, do you love skiing? I would have never been on skis and have no desire to do that. But I know that it's a lot of like, Mr. Goss to get back up the hill for just two minutes. Yeah. And then like, an hour later, you could go.

It's a really good analogy. Yeah. And acting as I remember it, and I remember John Cleese one said, it's like waiting, I think it was John Cleese. He said, making a movie is like waiting in an airport for eight weeks. Ugh.

That's actually, yeah. That's actually kind of accurate. And you can't, but you don't ever want to say, you know, it's again, the gratitude you get to do it. And. Absolutely. No one's holding a gun to our head. Right.

But that is definitely something that made my life so much better when I was not an actor and was doing first politically incorrect. And then this real time because they were all done in real time. So you know, that one was five days a week, so I had to get makeup on. But it was for, you know, I'd makeup on for an hour. Right. It was a half hour show. I like that the makeup is really what stuff is.

It's, I do really don't know. Like, I don't like anything on me. You know, no jewelry, you know, you know, chains or. Chains? Were you like considering rocking chains? No, I mean, maybe this, maybe it's, but why I never got married. You even wear a ring?

No. Or a a dollar chain. Dr. Neal. Dr. Neal. Oh. Dr. Do you think what? I don't know. Pretending you were my psychiatrist. Not that I have.

I thought you were actually a medical doctor. I don't know what I see. Removing something. I don't know. Do you have a, do you go to therapy? I had a therapist for like a few years and she retired and it was, I had a really hard time with it because I really liked her, you know. I think.

And she was hired? Yeah, what do you mean? Hired and then retired? Retired. Yeah, retired, sorry. She retired. She retired. She was hired and then retired.

But I loved her and it was my first experience having like a relationship for a few years and it was great. I'm a big family therapy and I think. Oh, you really? Yeah. If you find the right person that you kind of, you know, I'm a believer that if you want to talk to someone, go for it. But like, I'm...

You've never been in therapy. Well, you're not a fan. I'm not a fan. Yeah. Which is responding. I mean, I get it. Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't acknowledge it. It does good for a lot of people. Sure. I guess I always wonder like you strike me as somebody who's like, must have great friends.

I do have great friends. Okay. Why don't you just talk to them? I do, all the time. I know, but what's the difference between them and the... I will agree with you, because particularly, no, my best friend who does the podcast with me, Olivia, I like, she has now since, I don't talk to me, I literally, she gets everything and gives me maybe even more

than I ever had from anyone else. So I agree with you on that. And I'm not a big pusher like therapy therapy therapy, but I do think it can help. And I think it's not something to be, it shouldn't be taboo or like whatever. It's not taboo. It's a poity opposite.

No. The weirdo out here if you don't go. Out here, yes. But like some people are like embarrassed. Like, oh, they're gonna think I have issues or whatever, but everybody's fucking issues. What? Yeah, they're in therapy.

What here is this? No one thinks that. No one thinks that. It's, it's, it's, it's, I think there are people that could think that. I'm not saying, but I, I think that it can. Nobody you know. No.

Not even me. Not even you. You don't even believe in it and you're still. But if it works for you, I'm all accepting spectrum. Of course, of course. I was just asking, honestly curious question, which you did not answer. One of the questions. The question is, what is this, the for therapists providing that the other, that the friends are

not? Right. Well, my answer was, I don't know that they did. Or were like, I... You can't point to one thing like, oh, you know, everybody else missed this, but the therapist pointed out. I will say there were like, sayings, you know, that like little tidbits that I would get from her that I really liked, not to say that my best friend doesn't say that maybe just with different words, you know, that like little tidbits that I would get from her that I really liked, not to say that my best friend doesn't say that,

maybe just with different words, you know. Verbage. Verbage? I make a word. Verbage. Maybe I would win a board. But yes, so I, yes. But also, I think it's more the taking up the time

of your friend who's like kids and busy and whatever. So if you just have that other person to yourself that like, that's what they do, of your friend who's like kids and busy and whatever. So if you just have that other person to yourself that like, that's what they do, you know, maybe that relieves some. Yeah. Well, and also there must be a different mindset because you are in a place of business.

Right. Although my best friend is also like a life coach, so I guess it all folds into one. Yeah. Sorry, Olivia. I mean, I just never could have mentioned. So you talked to your friends. I talked to my friends.

Yeah, sure. About everything. Everything. Yeah. Sure. But even they are not going to come up with probably a better answer than I am. That's the thing I could never imagine with a therapist is like, okay, one of us knows Bill Marr really well, and I think it's me.

And yet here you, Dranger, who don't know all the, I have all this knowledge about me. You don't have, but you're the guy who's going to. But certain best friends might, because they're on the outside and be more observant of things that you might not think about. Absolutely. And I also acknowledge that that person can be. That can be an advantage, is that they're not, of course, in your head.

I just feel like, especially at this point in my life. Yes. You know, if you got to 67, you probably, first of all, are not gonna make fundamental changes. Well. I mean, that's that at all. Perfect cut.

Cut. Clive. All right. I'll let you go. That was fun. I just immensely knew I would. Oh, this was great.