Club Random with Bill Maher - Video: Whitney Cummings | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: February 18, 2024

The hilarious and provocative Whitney Cummings and Bill on the engaging personality of Jeff Bezos, Bill’s favorite Whitney bit, late night hosts who laugh at everything, the ways you can be turned off by a date, why toxic masculinity is necessary, the words we can’t say anymore, the one thing you can’t get cancelled for, that thing female comedians have to worry about that men don’t, how men used to openly assault women in movies, Bill’s admiration for Arnold Schwarzenegger, the undeniable creepiness of Shirley Temple movies, and tons more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Fanduil Casino's exclusive Live Dealer Studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning in an exciting Live Dealer Studio, exclusively on Fanduil Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario, gambling problem, go 18665--531-2600

or visit connectzoneterio.ca. Please play responsibly. I can't believe how well you're channeling the male point of view in a way I've not heard a woman do. Well, I think you do something that I really appreciate. I'm at the point where I go, you know what? Come at me, because when this story is relayed, you will look ridiculous. Hi.

How are you? Do I stand? Can I do I stay seated? I'm... You should definitely stand. Like I'm King Charles. I'm in a full panic. Bad reference, he just got cancer. Oh, is that... oh. No, I just was... I wouldn't think of that, but now that I said it, he just got cancer. Oh, is that, oh. No, I just was, I wouldn't think of that,

but now that I said it, it just reminded me, you know, he just was diagnosed with cancer. Sorry, see, I can't be here, I have to leave. I feel like I'm on the most high stakes date of my life. I'm so stressed out, I'm sweating. Why? Because. You, of all people, I feel like you're one

of the most confident people in show business. Oh, it's an act. Well, isn't everything an act in show business? Yes, yes. It's like, you know, who can act the best? We're actors. I think I... Not us, comedians are not actors.

That's true. Sometimes people say to me, you know, out and about, oh, you're an actor. I'm like, not only are you wrong, we're just insulting, but I'm the opposite of an actor. Yep, we're the- Not that I'm insulting actors, but I am the opposite. And you are too.

We are truth tellers. That's true. We don't conceal, we reveal. And I only get cast to play myself, and it's never acting. If I'm passed out. Right, even on your titular sitcom, you were mew. Yeah, I was who I was at that time. Yes.

I look back and cringe, but... Really? I think the goal is to always look at a previous iteration of yourself and cringe a little, because that means you've changed. I thought that show was funny. Thank you. I appreciate that. I mean, people loved it.

Who cares if... I mean, of course we're all evolving. Yes. I mean, cringe, we're all evolving. Yes. I mean, cringe, like these people who are like in interviews, very common thing to say is no regrets. I'm like, what? Who says that? Everybody.

I've heard it a million times. Like, no regrets. I guess it's, I don't think they mean, I think what they mean. Should have them. Of course. Yeah. Again, I have zillions of regrets.

That's my favorite is when you're talking to someone and they're just like, those mistakes made me the person I am today. And I'm like, yeah, that's the problem. It made you this person. Well, no, they can't make you better. Come on. I mean, like, I very often felt guilt, really,

not really justified because I couldn't help it, but about being in a relationship with someone as the years went by and being like much better than I used to be and realizing, oh, I learned that on somebody else. Some other poor chick. But that had to have me dumb at it. But she got something out of it too.

I agree, but I'm just saying out of it too. I agree. But I'm just saying, I feel bad when I look. You learned it on her? Was this a sex trick? No, no, learning how to behave with somebody. You have to. I mean, we're all dumb when we're young. Yep.

But I can think of like specific things, very specific things. Like what? You know, like, oh, I don't know, stupid things. Like, I remember once- Because you're my hero in terms of like, as someone, this is why you like my sitcom, because I played a character that never wanted to get married. Right, right.

The commitment phobia thing. So I'm an aspiring commitment phobic. Right. Help me. I've always objected to that term. I've been called that. I remember I used to to that term. I've been called that. I remember I used to say, well, I don't like sushi. Am I a sushi phobic?

Right. Or is it just my taste? Why is my taste worse than yours? Sure. And it's also interesting because I've been accused so much in relationships with people where people are like, you just have an intimacy issues. I'm like, no, I just don't want to be intimate with you. Right.

You have commitment phobia. No, I don't want to be intimate with you. Right. You have commitment phobia. No, I don't want to commit to you. Why can't you be the problem? Why am I the problem? Be someone I want to commit to. But do you have a hard and fast rule about not wanting to commit? I don't.

That's sort of what's happened. I think there's a confluence of things. I grew up around a lot of acrimonious divorce. So as soon as things started getting hard, I kind of go like, why, we're dying. We don't have to do this. Like we don't have to put ourselves in a cage here and do this.

If this is bringing out the worst version of me or there's something about me you don't like, I think I really tend to go, this is something I'm willing to change about myself. This is something I'm not. Right. And I just go like, because if I do change for you,

or I'll be pretending, and then I'll just resent you anyway, and then I'll be- So true. And then I'm fake. So I'm big on just going like, look, like we're all looking for a needle in a needle stack. And I think most people aren't a match.

Like what are the chances that we would have found our sort of perfect match by now? I also think it's like, you know, this whole forever thing was, marriage was invented when our life expectancy was what, 20? sort of perfect match by now. I also think it's like, you know, this whole forever thing was, marriage was invented when our life expectancy was what, 20? I don't even think it worked then. Yeah, well it was like a landsharing scam, right?

It was about titles. I mean, I used to say when people would say, my relatives, I think they were befuddled. But I remember saying this when I was young and I thought it was very funny. I'm like, why aren't you married, Billy? And I'd be like, well, I can't because I must form an alliance with France.

And... And they would be like... I can't find anyone in LA with any land. Like, what are you talking about? Well, unless I marry the Duke of Boryone's daughter, our countries will sadly be at war. Yeah, yeah. And they would just look at me like,

I don't want to waste a marriage if we're not going to merge empires. Billy's trying to be a comedian. But also I do think though, some of the anti-marriage sentiment might be a little bit elitist, because I do know people that are like, ah, if I married, I get to live in a house, if I'm married, I get to live in a house.

If I'm single, I have to live in an apartment. And it's not about gold diggers or anything like that. It's about just going like, you know, we save money on taxes. There's lots of incentives. We get health insurance. It's very easy for us to sit here in our Hollywood, wherever we are. Hollywood museum with the stripper pole.

Right. And a chair hanging from the ceiling. What's that one? Oh, that's Timothy Leary signed that chair. He burned a hole in it and then they signed it. So it's an art piece now. I could probably sell it, but I would never. Never.

What is the most valuable like sentimentally piece you have in here of all this paraphernalia? Yeah. I don't know. Besides the toilet paper, I just flushed. I never really thought about that. It's all this stuff that didn't fit in a real house. I kind of like it more. I kind of like this place more because it can't be ruined.

It can't be destroyed. I mean, look at it. It's like a, you know, you can party here and not, I don't like, you know, I don't like highfalutin parties. You don't like having to, I don't like to go to someone's house where it feels like a museum where you can't enjoy yourself or your word,

you're gonna break something. I mean, I had a birthday party here on the 19th of January, just like 20 people, close friends, had the best time. And the next night I went to, I guess I can say, a Jeff Bezos' party, which was like, you know, the most A-list of A-list people there. I was very flattered to be invited, but I had a better time at my party.

No, that's because I don't know those people as well. But I mean, I like a down and dirty party and a down and dirty room. So Bezos, so you... So how much longer is Lauren Sanchez in there? Do I have a job? I didn't see them at their own party, but I got there late, I guess.

You've interacted with him? Yes. When you meet him. They could not be more engaging. I mean, personally, I mean, obviously he's a political figure now because he's the richest man, right? And owns the Washington Post and like, you know, labor issues. I mean, I've criticized them for environmental issues.

Sure. That's my big issue with Amazon. It's like, and nobody talks about it. The amount of garbage you create by sending your pants back and forth eight times to the cat. I'll get a pen? One pen. It'll come in nine layers of plastic, a bag and a box. That whole thing. I mean, I feel like that, I've done a couple of things on it, but I never hear anybody else like, isn't that like the main environmental problem we have? Well yeah, but it's also, it's like, well then I'd have to drive 20 minutes to write

a, I guess we're just behind the field. Right, no, no. I mean, like, it's, I'm not saying he's evil for, I mean, he's obviously a genius who figure out a weight, I mean, come on, to sell everything to everybody. Mm-hmm, everything. Everything, like over 20 million products they have. Everything to everybody. I mean, you know. It is tricky though because like they have a,

you know, they make television and movies and stuff now and it's kind of hard as someone that makes television to be in business with them, because whenever they give a creative note, I'm like, you guys are a grocery store. Don't try to give me a note on comedy. But as a person, what I like so much about him is that, no pretense, very up, very high, just like high energy, happy,

obviously in love with this girl. That is not a fake of any kind. No. you know, very up, you know, very high, just like high energy, happy, obviously in love with this girl. That is not a fake of any kind. No. And like, looks in the eye, you know, like some people at that level, you don't feel like they're really tracking what you're saying.

They're like kind of in their own world. Sure, sure. And this guy, like, no, I mean, I have a conversation with him, he hears me, and, you know, loves new ideas, you know, he have a conversation with him. He hears me and loves new ideas. He's one of those kind of like nerdy guys who are like, oh, I gotta write that down. That's a great thing.

I mean, people like that are engaging. I was curious when you meet someone who's built this giant empire and you're like, I get it. There's something different about you than everybody else. And like, what is that thing? Well, he just, I I mean that was the business genius of seeing where the world was going. Mm-hmm.

You know, I mean to me the most prescient thing anybody ever said was Andy Warhol, everyone's gonna be famous for 15 minutes. I mean we were on The Tonight Show once together. Together, yes we were. Remember that? That was a lot, yep. Oh yeah, that was amazing. Tonight Show once together. Together, yes, we were. Remember that? That was a lot, yep. Oh, yeah, that was a thing.

I do remember that. Yeah, but that was our, and that was Jay Leno. I worked at Johnny Carson. You're too young for that, but in that era, I mean, there was Johnny Carson and whatever sacrificial lamb was going up against him. That's who talked to people. Now, podcasts are like, I don't know how these,

I mean, I guess I do, they do funny, good professional shows, Jimmy and Jimmy and, but like, as far as just talking to somebody, that used to be something we thought only a couple of people in the world can do. That's right, that's right. That's right. Otherwise we're gonna get 10 people

that type the script, what you say, puppets. Well, Alan Thicke tried to defeat Johnny Carson, but once again, there's only one person who can talk to people, Johnny Carson. And now it's like everybody. Can talk to everybody. And there's, you know. Isn't it wild that we used to sort of prepare seven minutes?

Oh, so we prepare. I mean, was it seven? I thought it was six. Maybe they- Yeah, I mean it was, you know, and then you'd have the second segment and you'd have eight minutes to get everything and you need to say for the year.

It was so nerve-wracking. Now I'm like, I'm out of things to say. Wasn't that show nerve-wracking? Like what you just said, like to have to like, you know, get it to the, you know, work on your set and you're, and then try to make it, if you're sitting, make it sound conversational and, and knowing that, yeah, it was a high wire act

in that you could, I mean, certainly I knew comics who like bombed like the first time and then never recovered, career-wise, ever. And it's tricky because I always felt like I needed to make a choice when I went out there, which was always like, you know, maybe this was more so with Letterman and there felt like such a big difference between Letterman and Leno, which is sort of an interesting dichotomy in terms of as a performer. But you had to go, do I want to make the audience laugh, or do I want to make you laugh?

And making a comic laugh is sometimes a little bit different than making an audience laugh. So I'd sort of go out there and be like, I got to get this laugh. But then Letterman, it was always like, he was hard to crack a little bit. So I'd be like, if I don't get them on this, at least he's laughing. And then they'll know it's funny because he's laughing.

Some hosts, I feel like, lose credibility on the laughing thing because they laugh at everything. I don't think Letterman really did. Not Letterman and not Carson. That's why you could achieve both those things by making Johnny laugh. If Johnny laughed, the audience was like, well, fuck, that must be me.

It must be me. It must be me, I must be done. It must be me. Johnny loves it, I fucking love it, because I love Johnny and Johnny's the man. So I think I would go in that direction, but... Like, right now... If you laugh at everything, you know, if you're just a gigglebox,

like, some hosts just are. I know it's about daytime. Lots of. And don't you think some of them laugh harder at things that aren't funny just to make the person feel confident? I feel like it. You're like, why is Jared Butler killing? Right.

With Jay Leno. Like I was definitely funnier than that. What? Like why are you being hard on me? What a perfect name for that joke. What a perfect, perfect name. Jared Butler, right. Like that story about doing pranks on set, to that joke, what a perfect, perfect name, Gerard Butler Wright. Like that story, like about doing pranks on set,

you know that was a dog shit story. You know what I'm saying? That's hysterical. Yeah, but you're gonna give me a hard time and make me sweat it out? Oh, I remember backstage and you'd hear the band when you were about to go on, and just that kind of that forties,

you know, like I felt like I was shipping off to Pearl Harbor the next day. It was stressful. It's always like half debutant ball because every, you know, as a comic, like you're in the clubs, you know how to make people laugh, you know how to sort of like, you know, do what you do.

But no one prepares you for the walk from the curtain to the couch, where you're like, do I do a funny walk? Oh, you for the walk from the curtain to the couch where you're like, do I do a funny walk? Oh, no. It took me so long to not be like, I need to like do a funny walk, like air guns or something. It was like, I remember there's always a dude who pulled the curtain for you.

And you just felt like they were shooting you out of a cannon, you know? But you always had to pretend the audience was a surprise. You'd be like, what? Yeah. Like, there's no funny way to walk to the couch. It walk just an audience, but I felt like that walk takes forever. It just felt like the bull in the bullfighting ring. Yeah, I just it just was like kind of it.

But I'm not the sound of that band again, that that if it had been a different, more modern band, but that Johnny, I'm telling you, I felt like I was such a thing as a modern band. But the journey, I'm telling you, I felt like I was. There's such a thing as a modern band. 1941. Yeah, it's always like a, brrr, really. Is that a recorder? Like, is that, are those the symbols? One person's just holding the symbols on one finger. Arriving in Pearl on December 6th, how you build?

I suggest sleep late the next day. It's a Sunday, I'm sure nothing will be going on. It's also, and then it's like you spend so much time getting great as a stand up, and then you're sitting on a couch, I mean, not to go like, being a female comic's different, but I'm like, I should wear a skirt, and then I'm just spending all this time

trying to not share and stone the audience. And I'm, you know, so I'm kind of just like being awkward. You're right, tougher for you. I mean, no, I wouldn't- No, it is. It is. There's a, there's a's another level that you have to consider that I never did.

They're gonna pick on physical stuff more. Like, and part, look, a lot of that comes from women. Women, that's how boys said, women hate each other. So, you know, a man walks. I hate myself. That's how much women hate women. No, you don't. But a man walks in. I hate myself. That's how much women hate women. No, you don't. But a man walks in a room, we don't even see him.

Women, it's just, a woman walks in and it's just, you know, well, who's she thinking she is? What, why not me? You know, it's like, there's always this picky, and it's this natural instinct to pick, pick, pick. And I think we're kind of wired for that, yeah. You had to deal with that, and I didn't. I mean, I, you know, wore a little monkey suit

from the young comic days you know my some my wardrobe to cringy but you know it was the 80's. Yeah, I think it's also. You know it's like you want to dress nice and presentable you know I think there's this trend now where you know comedians just like Adam Sandler gets to dress like that you guys can all just wear gym shorts on stage you know it's like what he's and that you want to it's just like there's a like Adam Sandler gets to dress like that. You guys can't all just wear gym shorts on stage. You know, it's like the hoodies and the-

Why would you want to? It's just like, there's a like, you know, I remember being at the comedy store on New Year's Eve. I normally will do, I know you do big New Year's shows, you know, a theater or something, but I was just at the comedy store and there are these people, they're dressed up, they're in their sequin dresses and they're in their suits

and these comedies just one by one are coming out in hoodies, t-shirts and they're- It's horrible. and they're like you guys pull it together. This is New Year's Eve It's New Year's Eve guys, you know and I just remember me like these people have bought tickets three months ago They dressed up. This is their special night, you know It's and you're just like looking at a notebook in your sweatpants, you know So I always do try to you know really dress up But sometimes I think when you wear a dress or wearing heels as a woman, you might come off bitchy.

What did you wear that night? We were on together. You want to dress? I always had a rule that I would wear like the Michelle Obama-ish, those dresses that would go right under your knee. But you're showing leg. Yes.

I was not. Yes, I would try. But it was also so annoying because you'd have to do this weird cross. Right. And you'd have to lean forward. And then it just looked like I was trying to show I would try but it was also so annoying because you'd have to do this weird cross right and you'd have to Lean forward and then it just looked like I was trying to show the host my kids It took me a while because otherwise you're here. It's it's kind of a nightmare Frankly, I know I'm trying to be sympathetic

I get it like I never had to think about any of that and then I started just wearing like pants and then like an to think about any of that. And then I started just wearing like pants and then like a blouse. No, and also like, you wanna be pretty because you are, so like why hide that? And it's also an asset in show business. But then you don't wanna be too pretty because you don't wanna make the women

who are not that pretty mad at you. I'm in LA six, we're good. We're good. I love that, okay. Oh, I did a whole thing once when Amy Schumer put out that movie, it was good. We're good. I love that, okay. Oh, I did a whole thing once when Amy Schumer put out that movie, it was good. I feel pretty.

Yeah, and they just, the woke assholes just shit all over it. Because Amy wasn't, they thought she was the, they were saying she was too blonde and beautiful and not, like, and her whole act is like not that. Right. Like her whole act is kind of a throwback to. Yes, they were like, she's basically an erection. She's not a terrible looking person.

No, no. She's perfectly handsome woman, but, but you know, Phyllis Diller wasn't that ugly. Carol Burnett wasn't ugly. That's what they did in those days. I mean, compared to Margot Robbie, we're all pigs. So I think it's like what the, you know, I think it's all, that's all relative,

but it is fascinating that. But they just, they do look for that. They are looking to find something to pick. Sure, always. Especially with a woman. So. It's interesting, yeah. I mean, it's, I kind of never want to play the,

it's harder to be a woman card because also I do find that stand up, even though there's so many less female comedians for I think a litany of reasons, it is in a lot of ways has a lot of stereotypical female qualities. It's like you're complaining. What does? You know, doing stand up.

You know? Really? Yeah, you know, you're emotional, you're sensitive, you're complaining about your marriage, you're complaining about how hard it is. You know, it's kind of- You're talking. That's our thing.

Talking. That's our thing. Women are talking. Okay, yes. So. You're rambling on and on. Yeah, you're right. And then we think we deserve to get paid. Women are talker. Okay, yes. You're rambling on and on. And then we think we deserve to get paid for what we're saying.

Right, right. You know, and so I think, you know, although there's less women, it is, that's our thing, you know? Complaining in front of everybody. Right, I never thought of it that way. Daggering and calling people out on how ugly their clothes are.

That's special you did, what was it called? like, I'm your girlfriend? That was great. Thank you. The one I always quote and I always love, you should tell me what the specifics is as I fuck it up. But it's about, I don't know why it comes up, but it does. It always reminds me of that bit you do about, you were in love with this guy, you wanted of his baby, and then he tripped over a flagstone. Oh, god.

And you were like, and it's like, it's so lizard brain true. So tell me the story, the real story. The real story is, so it's about sort of our primordial reptilian brain. Yeah. And sort of the older I get, the more I've just surrendered to there is just certain ways we're wired as humans,

whether it's to be pugnacious about politics or sports or be tribal or be turned on by a certain thing in bed or who we're attracted to. You can talk all day about you should be attracted to this person. You should want to be with this person, but we're animals. Exactly.

You know, and so there's certain things, you know, biology is sexist, full stop, you know? And so I was dating this guy who I was very into, and I like a very dominant man anyway. Like I like a dominant. You need one. I like a toxic masculinity is my kink. Right.

So I'm trying to cancel it. Well, I can't see somebody who was passing out some weak shit even lasting a day with you. You need somebody pretty strong. I am into that. Yeah. I'm into that. Because you're a woman.

Because like you're very strong, but to be in that woman mode, which is sort of your lizard brain, of having somebody dominate you, I mean, like, you know, sex is a little male dominant usually, not in a horrible way, but like, that's, you know, that's the biology. Yep.

So you need somebody, okay, so you're, you know, what does it do? So it's my professional life, I'm a boss, I have employ, you know, I sort of, but in my- But was this guy dominant? Was he- He was dominant? Until he tripped? And I guess there was a time where guys were wearing

like lace up boots for a minute, I don't know. It was like a booty of some sort, and I knew when we were leaving the hotel room, I was like, this is bad, this booty is bad news. Like, this butt, I already- Like there was foreshadow? Well, there was like a lace up, I just was like, this is. Really? I already, this booty. Like, there was foreshadow. Well, there was like a lace half. I just was like, this is not.

That was already bumming me out. And I was like, I can get past the boot. And then we are walking through, I guess, like near Chinatown when there's those like cobblestones. And he just tripped, didn't fall, but you know those trips that go on for like a while? Right. And it's almost worse when you catch your stuff.

It'd be better if you fell, frankly, like hard. He kind of just like went on forever and tried not to fall. And I just instantly fell out of love with him. And it wasn't, I wasn't a choice. I would love to be with him to this day. It just gets it's, it's just like so right to the truth. What's the female equivalent? Like when we burn the casserole?

Like what would make you just, from a primordial perspective? That's a great question. I have to actually think about that. Like an instant turnoff. Like a mustache? Ooh, like in the lighting you see like a mustache? Well, certainly that is a different category.

Like you know in certain lighting you just like see that happen to me once. Facial hair. I could tell you a story about that. Of course nipple hair. No, but the fate that that happened. What is it? I'll tell you in a minute.

Please tell us about this trans prostitute. I will, I will. It was 1988. But first, your question, I think one thing that certainly does that is weakness. Like if, you know, guys do things like, you know, the girl breaks up with them or they break up and then like he wants her back

and she's not going for it, so like he has his mother call her. You know, things like that that are like, or he cries. Like if you think that you can get a girl back with sympathy, with being weak, with being pity me, I'm gonna kill myself if you don't. Or that is like the automatic, now you turn, it's like, it's one thing if the pilot light is still on, I always say, like that turns the pilot light off.

Now you cannot relight this for an hour. No, if you wanna get me back, that's- Fuck me over a grain of stone. Like don't, like you can cry once when your mother dies. Don't cry. I mean, and I'm not a crier anyway, except like in movies. Even if you do cry and I,

do you really want me to pity you? I think conflating love and pity I see a lot of people in relationships doing this. I've done it before don't look I'm not saying be fake strong But you know if you're not strong in certain ways, and I'm not like I'm no Marine. Hmm. Okay But you're pretty tough. But yeah, you know just normal American lucky guy never had to go to war tough. Don't fucking cry about your problems. Don't bitch about them.

Take care of your... Unless a person can actually help you with a problem. I mostly have not... And women have complained about this because women always want you. They're a little like the Godfather. He wants you to owe them. They want you to bring their, your sorrows and so you get deeper and more intimate.

You know what I mean? That's what women mostly want. It's like, tell me more. And you can never communicate enough. No, I don't wanna know anything about you. What? You're a different breed. I would like you to remain a stranger for as long as we're together.

Wow, let's see. Look at me. I have to tell you what women are like. I think we have. I think it's important to maintain a little mystery. I think that one of the biggest mistakes we make, I made a movie about, based on a book called The Female Brain Hot Take, I believe in gender, and cancelled. But I think one of the biggest mistakes I see people making is like your boyfriend is not your girlfriend. And we try to make our, when people are like,

I just, I wanna marry my best friend. I'm like, well, that's gay. You're gay, we're not friends. We are not friends, we're not homies. I'm not gonna tell you anything I think on a daily. I don't wanna know what you're thinking. What are you thinking about? Please don't tell me, because I know it's someone else and I've accepted that. So I think that a daily, I don't want to know what you're thinking, what are you thinking about? Please don't tell me because I know it's someone else and I've accepted that, you know?

So I think that a lot of people are just not in radical acceptance of our nature and I think if you want the kind of man that's going to be dominant, you're not going to be able to spend 30 minutes talking about like Lindsay's wedding shower. You can't have, you don't get to have both, you have to pick one. I couldn't agree with one. And you have plenty. So I really work hard to it. I feel very lucky because we have this ecosystem

of like comic friends and I try to keep my friends, my friends and then my man is my man. No, I resent anyone who judges and of course you get judged a lot if you're as old as I am and never got married and also like don't, what they would call, age appropriate dating. It's like, fuck you.

I don't tell you who you should be attracted to. Like everything in culture is, sex, romance culture is, I was born this way. Exactly, great, I'm behind that. You were, exactly, you were born this way. This is what my truth is. This is what, it's like, what about my truth? That's your truth then, yeah. That's my truth, that's it. I was born this way. This is what my truth is. This is what, what about my truth? That's your truth then, yeah.

That's my truth. I was born this way. Also, I mean, the age thing, I mean. And by the way, most men are attracted to younger women. Yeah. It's like, again, the lizard brain. Yes. This one will be good mate to help each child.

Yes, yes, yes. That's it. Again, yes, yes. Again, I can't control that anymore than you can control puking when your boyfriend slipped on their cobblestone. Yeah, but also we don't spend any time talking about a lot of women are attracted to older men. And that's always, has always sort of been my thing.

And I wanna just, we should just, can we start a podcast called called It Was A Different Time? I find myself always going, it was a different time. It was a different time. When I was 16, I dated a guy who was like 30 and like that wasn't weird. And when you grow up without money, your parents encourage it.

Like you need someone to pick you up from school. You like need someone to get groceries. Like it's not weird. And also like, yeah, I look back and I'm like, yeah that guy was kind of a creep, but so was I, I was creep too. I was preying on him in a lot of ways, you know? And I was using him and it was, you know,

was I conscious enough or old enough to make that decision for myself? I don't know. I mean, my mom's argument when I talked to her about it later, she was like, I was way more worried about you dating guys your age, you know? Because they're smoking weed and driving drunk. And you know, so it's a nightmare for anyone

to date anyone, let's be honest, at any age. But I do find it. Well, especially at the young. And those young, I mean, we're talking about teenage, early 20 years, I feel women had all the advantage at that time. First of all, I didn't know enough to know how to deal with them, all this stuff we were

talking about before, the stupid mistakes you make. Not just if you were lucky enough to finally have a girlfriend, but just trying to get one. It was just, you're at the horniest time in your life with the least ability, at least for me. I think kids got more sophisticated in general in that way, but I still think, you know, it's still, of course you can see this with the porn and everything else. Most men, young men, they're fucking frustrated and horny, just like I was most of the time.

Because why would a 21-year-old woman want to be with a 21 year old guy who's an idiot and has no money and no food in the house. Comes in two seconds. Doesn't matter. Right. She can be with a guy who's 35 who's still in prime of his life. Yeah.

But he's got a car. Who has a globe. I learned about the world. Yes. You know, like I actually argue that I'm smarter and more interesting because I dated older guys back then. Of course you are.

Of course. You know what I mean? I dated a guy who had a Wendy's franchise. He had a Wendy's. What do you mean? I just mean I learned how to like run a business. I would like go with him to his work, you know, whereas like most people my age were just like smoking pot

and, you know, playing video games. Right. Since you were in high school? Yeah. You were in high school when you were going up. How old was he? Oh, it's like 30, maybe. I was trafficked. I'm coming forward.

Now, was he really the owner or was he just the regional manager? Honestly, I've got to be clear that he worked there. I didn't do anything about it. I just loved it. You went back to your 16-year-old self where that was a big flex. It was by the way it really was. He had an ultima.

Your guy had a Wendy's. When you first said, I thought he owned the whole Wendy's thing. And you're like, oh, the guy who owns Wendy's. Yeah, he's got to be a billionaire. No, no, he's just got the one franchise. He did make me fuck him with pigtails. Is that weird? Really?

No, I'm joking. I love to look good when I go out, and Roan is here to help. Roan's commuter collection is the most comfortable, breathable, and flexible set of products known to man. And here's why. Rhone helps you get ready for any occasion with the Commuter Collection, which offers the world's most comfortable pants, dress shirts, one-quarter zips, and polos. You never have to worry about what to wear when you have the Rhone Commuter Collection. Rhone's comfortable four-way stretch fabric provides

breathability and flexibility that leaves you free to enjoy whatever life throws you away from your commute to work to your 18 holes of golf. With Rhone's Wrinkle Release technology, Wrinkles disappears as you stretch and wear the products. It's that easy. Rhone is 100% machine washable so you can ditch the dry cleaner altogether. And even after wearing Rhone all day, you still feel fresh. The commuter collection can get you through any workday and straight into whatever comes next. Head to rhone.com slash random and use promo code RANDOM to save 20% off your entire order

when you head to r-h-o-n-e dotcom slash random and use code random. It's time to find your corner office comfort. Now that Valentine's Day is over, that doesn't mean that you just let yourself go for the rest of the year. And that starts with your skin. Well, support for today's episode comes from one skin founded by a team of four female PhD level

longevity scientists with over 15 years of experience studying the biology of aging. It's all about what they call health span. After testing thousands of peptides, these gorgeous youthful scientists, these babes of the biome, discovered something called OS1. Their flagship product, OS1 Face, is clinically proven and improved firmness, fine lines and overall tone and appearance. As your current skin regimen clinically proven to reverse the molecular age of your skin, I highly doubt it. So give one skin a try and see the difference.

For a limited time, our fans get 15% off one skin with our code random at oneskin.co. One skin is awesome and absorbs fast and leaves your skin super soft. Also, it's fragrance free, not like those other perfumey products. One Skin is for everyone that wants to prevent or reverse the signs of aging with a groundbreaking approach. One Skin addresses skin health at the molecular level, targeting the root causes of aging so skin behaves, feels, and appears younger. It's time for you to experience a new skin health routine at a discounted rate today.

Get 15% off with the code RANDOM at 1SKIN.CO. That's 50% off 1SKIN.CO with code RANDOM. We only have one body, one skin, and only you can choose to make it better. Age healthy with one skin. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsys? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsys? My dad's been talking about Rebelsys. Rebelsys?

Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that's... Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsys is right for me. Rebelsys. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. By the way, I just would like to say that I'm terrified to be here. I'm actually pretty terrified of you.

Really? Yeah. You don't betrayed at all. Aren't you having a good time? I'm having a great time. And I'm shocked. And you're doing it without drugs. Without drugs. You don't do drugs.

You know what? We had a good run with the drugs. So I had never really done much. Me too. I grew up in an alcohol comb. And I was always like the sober driver. I always went the other way with everything. I was actually like way too obsdemeous, frankly.

And I was never the person that could go on stage and drink. And I was like, I work at night. I feel like I'm a girl, I gotta work twice. It's hard to get half as far. I gotta be good, I cannot screw up, can't be sloppy. And then, I wanna say a year and a half ago, I decided, why don't I start smoking weed? I can chill out a little bit.

I'm a little neurotic, I'm a little high strung. California weed's wild. So, whereas a lot of people just relax, I started looking for the Scientology ships. I scheduled a call with the Maritime lawyer to try to find Shelley Ms. Kavage. I mean, I think I just, it kicks. How did we get to Scientology?

I snowed weed. Did I just? What did I say? Really, did I miss it? Did they edit this? Are we editing before we even... We just jumped universes. Yeah, there was like a jump cut and I think we're in live TV right now. Not that this is TV. So I just am saying I get like manic and wanna start solving like crimes. Oh I see. Oh I see. When I smoke weed.

Well that's probably why true crime podcasts are so popular among women. Why are they? That's a great question. Well I think it's like, isn't it the biological basis for why we rubber neck when we drive by an accident and like have to look? Why women?

Why is the true crime podcast? It's where the most murdered isn't in our way of like studying and like studying up on, you know, the fact that we're prey. Well, you're the most murder. I wouldn't say the most murdered. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, we are.

We're the most. I'm kidding, I love it. Annoying, so how could we not be? I surround myself with women. I think, yeah. It's easier, it's better, it's funnier. Yeah, that's what I hear. They're nicer.

Can I ask you a question though? Pretty here. When all that like me too stuff started happening, there were less people were hiring women. It actually seemed like it backfired in a lot of ways, like, in terms of people were scared to hire women. Yeah. Did you feel like, you know, I know people

that started making offices that were like glass, you know? And I just feel like it made the guys that didn't behave like that, like, extra sort of scared. And I just feel like it made the guys that didn't behave like that like extra sort of scared. The only hiring I do at my show is writers. That's my domain. And I think right around that time I added two women, so it couldn't have been on my mind.

And all the other hiring, I have no idea. My Achila has done that for me forever. I don't wanna be a part of it and it's good that I'm not. Like have your holiday parties changed or you're like we're not hugging anymore? No. No, first of all, it's a cool group. We're a very cool group.

I mean, on this subject, which I think you're getting to, I am paranoid about hiring. That's one reason I don't want to be part of it, because with the way people are now, especially the younger generations, like we're a happy group, and we have been for a very long time, and we have functioned really well together.

It's amazing how many people are there for over 20 years. Cool. People don't want to leave. We're okay. And all it takes is one stupid fucking Uberwoke. Dork. Person who thinks they're a social justice warrior,

but they just want to stir up shit. I got in trouble for saying Merry Christmas on the set of Roseanne. That kind of shit. Somebody like that on the set could be poisonous. It used to be the other way who was poisonous. They'd be the most conservative person. Now it's this dipshit.

So like. I find it's always someone that's a trust fund kid, an only child or anyone from San Francisco. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's, you know, I think it's spreading, unfortunately. Because I have now with hiring, there's a couple of questions I ask,

which is, did you play team sports? I think team sports players tend to be a little better, you know? Can you ask that? Yeah. So like, oh, did you play any sports in school? Tell me about high school, you know? I'm surprised there isn't a log in, so. We're up on a farm.

Interesting. If someone accuses me, I can just accuse them of raping me. So I have some leverage. If someone, like what? But he raped me. Oh, you don't believe women. I don't know if we want to put this in the book. I don't know if we want this in writing. I mean this is more of a you know outside the meeting kind of a thing.

Okay. And then did you grow up on a farm? Like people that worked on farms they're just like I think better with teamwork they're more humble and then people that didn't grow up with money. People that grow up with money. I mean, you certainly couldn't say in an interview what religion are you. You could not say that. I find it interesting that you can say,

did you grow up on a farm? Or tell me about your upbringing. Like, do you have animals? Do you have someone that you believe? I'm surprised you can ask anything because somebody will connect it. Somebody will say, farm, what were you implying? That's, they'll find a way know, they'll find a way to,

they will find a way to, I can't even imagine how, but they will find a way to connect that, or did you play sports back to racism? But I think, oh, interesting. Yeah, they will, what are you saying? You're right, you obviously didn't. Yeah, they will just, they just are looking to start shit. But also if they do, I'm at the point where I go, you know what, come at me.

Because when this story is relayed, you will look ridiculous. I think most people are reasonable. I think we hear from the fringes the most. When HR called me to tell me I was in trouble for saying Merry Christmas, they were like, hey, so, like they thought it was ridiculous too. And I confronted the person, and I basically was like, you're dangerous to everybody in this office.

I mean, that's a good story, and I'm glad it came out that way for you, but I am not as sanguine as you are about the idea that the ridiculous don't have fans, the other people who are ridiculous. Yeah. And ridiculous stuff does land sometimes. But with ridiculous people that we don't want anyway, right?

But like, here's the problem with the ridiculous is that, I've said this many times, no one ever gets in trouble for being too woke. You can't get canceled for being too woke. You can't get canceled for saying- But isn't canceled a good thing at this point? Doesn't it just help you? I think- Name one person that's been canceled

and it's not like her, and it's actually hurt them. You know? I can name 50, Roseanne. Let's go. Okay. Al Franken. Are you serious? I did work on that show.

I did work on that show. Sillions of people. Of course it's hurtful. I'm talking about like comedians, like I think for the most part it gives you publicity and then if you're able to like stay funny and it works for you. It depends.

Louis C.K. Cause also Rosanne was on an ABC show, that was Disney. It's different than being like a YouTube standout. Louis C.K. has to release his movies like on the internet, as opposed to where he might be with studios. Woody Allen can't get a movie made. Aziz Ansari lost a couple of years. Yes.

I know Chris Hardwick. I don't know him romantically. I know him as a person. He doesn't seem like the bad guy. Well, by the way, the Chris Hardwick thing was, I mean, incredibly ridiculous. Like even when you read that statement. I, we have the same management.

I happen to know the kind of money and deals that were lost. Of course. Yes, no, I agree with you. I was just defending how ridiculous that was. I guess, and this is the difference. Are you going to be losing network stuff? Yes, losing network stuff, I think always. But I think the people like a, you know,

like a Shane Gillis or something who was fired from SNL. Yeah, they're okay. And he then became a giant arena act. I think if you're a stand-up comedian, I should be more specific. I think it kind of helps you, because people go, I wanna know what this guy's gonna say.

Let's just agree it can work both ways. It really, so if you wanna take that, if you wanna flip that coin, because it is a coin flip, because none of this stuff ever makes sense. It's never logical. But I think it's if dicks are out, or if it's like race,

that's going to be a little bit different than going like being weird in a meeting or asking somebody if they've played sports or something like that. Because I think this... Well, yeah, I'm just saying that we live in this world where it's kind of like we made society, all of society, a courtroom where they used to always say, it's not what's true in a courtroom, it's what you can prove, what you can get a lawyer to convince people of. Sure.

And I feel like that's what cancel culture is. The people really believe some of this shit, do they believe Al Franken is a monster who shouldn't be in the Senate? I love Al Franken. But it would just, it's just too hard to stand up and go, no, I'm with Al Franken. You're with the person who touched a woman's back. And you know, so it's just easier to go path of least resistance.

I don't want to like, I feel bad for you Al or whoever it is. I'd like to stand up for you, but then I'm the one who they're gonna yell at me too. I don't want to be yelled at either. So it's a lot of that. So you don't really know which thing, I always say it's like the angel of death

passes over certain houses. That was Passover, you know? The Jew holiday, Passover, like the, that's what they put the Mizzuzza on the door. The tunnels? No, the tunnels, that's what's going on now. on the door. The tunnels? No, the tunnels. That's what's going on now. The New York tunnels?

Now this is like, now this is like ancient Bible times. You know how Jewish people have the Mazusa on the side of their door? Okay, that was from, I forget the story in the Bible, but the angel of death, they wanted to have a way for the angel of death who is spreading a proper vote who is titled death, pass over their houses, they wouldn't kill them. That's what Passover means. Pass over my house and don't kill me. Some people live in that house.

Charlie Sheen lives in a huge mansion called Passover. They just, whatever he does, they just pass over. And God bless him. He's like, you can't. See that's my thing about like, do people really get canceled? I see what you're saying, but I think that someone like Louis C.K., who's selling out Madison Square Garden five, six times, it's like he was doing like a tiny FX show that was winning awards.

Right. I think it, I think. No, no, it helped his, it probably helped his personal appearance. And his touring, yeah. But he, but it, and it hurt him in movies where I think he would rather be. Oh, really? Yeah. I think it hurt him in a business where most he would rather be. Oh, really? Yeah. I think it hurt him in a business where most people

have a lot of skeletons, and they have to sort of sacrifice somebody so that they have some ostensible self-righteousness. It's like Disney's like, you're canceled. It's like, well, you guys have dicks in your cartoons, so let's all just calm down. I mean, the castles are made of dicks. So this is not something you worry about. See, it's easier. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. I mean, I'm like, everything. No, I always say it, like, I better be good

because they're trying to get rid of me. Who's they? Dorks. Yeah, but Dorks have power. I mean, why are we giving them more power than they deserve though? Well, who's we? We're not.

Okay. But other people are. Because I do feel like, you know, the people that are, the, you know, whining woke Dorks are fringe and those are the people that are, the whiny woke dorks are fringe, and those are the people that are gonna have the loudest voices on Twitter, but then all the reasonable people.

But they do get people fired, and off shows, and preventing them from having deals and contracts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, look, Woody Allen, I would say two out of three of his movies are horrible. Can I tell, okay, I'm so glad we could have done this. But the one out of three is. I don't think he's that fun.

I mean, I don't think his movies are that funny, and I think he just makes too many of them. He makes exactly. To me, that's also part and parcel of being an artist. That's what an artist does. No, he's a funny kind of a person because he's, on one hand, an artist. On the other hand, he's like Mr. Clockwork.

He like should be working at the, you know, government patent office because he does, he did for like 50 years, two movies every year. We would shoot them in the spring and the fall. I would write them in the winter and the summer. And you know, and one out of three or four was good. And it was the, but you can't make that many movies without repeating the same themes over and over. And some of them are so unwatchable,

but he still should be able to make a movie. Is it's like this is just the biggest witch hunt of a non-story. I think also, and this goes back to my, what we were talking about before with Dominant Man, I don't like to watch men be weak. And that's always been my problem with Woody Allen. I'm like, you're scared of a lobster?

Like pull it together, dude. Like I think there's, it's just kind of like. Well, that's a common path. But you're now Woody Allen, like get it together. You know when he was playing that, what you're describing here, that guy, the lobster beginning, you know who he was doing by his own admission? He wrote about this, Bob Hope.

He grew up on Bob Hope, you know, and Bob Hope, who by the time I was even a kid seeing him on TV, thought he was corny and crappy, but he did when I went back and saw, when he was young and did those road movies, there was some charm there and some funny stuff. He had a funny kind of, he was the coward character, coward and you know, a little bit of a, you know, he was Ski-V. And Bing Crosby was the, you know,

the ladies man and he always, and that was a funny duo. Now that men actually wear v-necks and have man buns, it doesn't hold up as well. Back then, when men were probably more men, it was refreshing to see a vulnerable man who was insecure, but I think now that guys now will be like, can I kiss you?

And you're like, what? Well, the coward character is funny. It's funny to be a coward. Yes, but now that everyone's a coward, maybe it just doesn't feel as sexy. Right, and no. You know what I'm saying? Well, it was never sexy.

That was the joke. Bing was the sexy one. Bing was the sexy one who got the girls. And he was the schemer and the coward. I'm always fascinated though by his movies. Like the wardrobe for women is always wild. You know, like in Annie Hall, like why is Diane Keaton a trans man?

She just dressed... She always hurt you. I know, I think it's kind of fascinating. And then in every other movie, the women just dressed like Jane Goodall. They're in like cargo shorts and like brown tank tops. You're right. I know.

What is that about? I've always thought it was weird. The only sexy outfits were really Scarlett Johansson and Matchpoint. I don't mean she can make anything sexy, but she's in cargo shorts. She's dressed like Laura Dern in Jurassic Park. Whatty Allen had an unconcealable boner for her.

Yeah, no shit. He could not conceal. It is so obvious that in all his movies, he's like, I gotta work with Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson. Let's go to Barcelona. No, no, no, just Scarlett Johansson. Okay.

I mean, how could you not? And if you read his book, did you read his book? Sethers? No, no, no, no. The one he put out just a few years ago, his life story, you would love it, I think. It's so fantastic. It's called Apropos of Nothing.

Of Nothing, yes, okay, okay. It was some, I think the publisher dumped it because of, again, is this America where we get, no it's not. Okay. You know, nobody, two police investigations, it just, it decries credibility that a 57 year old man would suddenly take up child molesting.

It's just not something that, in a house with a bunch of other adults in the middle of a divorce proceeding, he just isn't that guy. But don't you think a lot of times, and I don't know the answer to this, I don't know, you know him, I'm not weighing in on this. I don't know him, never met him.

But don't you think sometimes when something happens that people are mad at you about but they can't get ya, and then another thing happens, they'll blow that one up. So him marrying the daughter, that wasn't illegal, he creeped everybody out, and then as soon as something, he did it. He's guilty because that thing before was weird. And Mia Farrow knew that, I think.

But exactly, once he was a creep for, yes, doing something that, well, I'll just quote Sunyi, it's a little offbeat. That's what she said. That's what, I love that, I love that. She's like, you know, everyone knows, oh, you're nuts about this. Yeah, it's a little offbeat, but fuck, I mean, love is love. Sure, sure.

You know, you should be happy when you find it. And of course, does he not get anything from standing the test of time? They've been together 30 years. They have raised two stable children. You don't get any points for that. Yeah, well, he works with Scarlett Johansson all the time. He can do it. I mean, I don't think he would be.

Everybody has a screen crush, but he did seem to be particularly like, I cannot hide what a heart on I have for this chick. But it's, I mean, yeah, that is tricky because I think you go, oh, he knew her when she was young, you know, but I also think, like, you know, I think it's good, forget his case. I think it's good that there's a little more awareness about pedophilia these days.

I think there wasn't enough focus on it for a while, and maybe there's now, you know, people. But I'm not sure she was literally, I mean, legally underage at the time. She was close. I don't remember the exact specifics. I think when people are Asian, we just assume. Let's be honest.

Like, she's 12. She's 46. Like, okay, but the way they got, first of all, he knew her, yes, when he was at the dinner table, he never lived with me a fair. He never lived with that family. He was never their father. They didn't see him that way. Okay, so, well, that's true. He never lived with me a fair. He never lived with that family. He was never their father.

They didn't see him that way. Okay, so, well that's true. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Okay, all right. So then like one night, like, you know, he goes to every Nick game. Huge Nick fan, floor seats, Nick.

He said, and again, this is why some of his movies probably suck, he has said in interviews, like, if I think I could get a better shot, a better second or third take, but the Nick game is starting, I'll go to the Nick game. Okay, all right. I like that.

But it's a little fuck you to the audience. Okay, it's like, I could make this great for you, but you know what? It's honestly, when I watch his movies, I'm like, I feel like this was for you. I feel like this was like a play made for you. It may be more for my generation. But like, Blue Jasmine obsessed.

Incredible. So that was great. Loved Blue Jasmine. Love, love, love. I also like that he put dice in it and showed that dice is an amazing actor. Right, that's that one. Yeah, that was, yeah.

It was amazing in it. Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radio Active Medium. It's February, and if you didn't have a date this Valentine's Day, you need to step up your game and make your business do better. It's time to do something different that will enlarge your sales and acquire new customers by partnering with shows like mine. You'll love the lower CPMs, elevating your brand in a space away from your competition.

That's right, check this out. You can generate up to nine times more leads by combining the power of audio and video channels with text messaging and generate an ROI as high as 5, 6, or 7 to 1. I have no idea what ROI stands for, but I do know that a high one is good. Like me. The best way to achieve goals is through the team at Radioactive Media, airing spots nationally on podcasts, terrestrial, satellite and radio.

Club Random has been partnering with Radioactive Media since the beginning of our show and they are killing it for us. Radioactive believes so much in the power of audio marketing, they put their money where their mouths are by advertising on my show right here, right now. Radioactive Media has an exclusive deal to promote your product or service on Club Random with me and save up to 50%. Just lock in your first campaign this year. Radioactive Media has an exclusive deal to promote your product or service on Club Random with me and save up to 50%. Just lock in your first campaign this year.

To find out all the details and receive a few Club Random goodies thrown in, contact Radioactive Media. Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text the word, random, to 511-511. Discover how audio marketing can surpass your current strategies with new and innovative ways that sound better. Go to radioactivemedia.com or text random to 511-511. Text random to 511-511 today. This save up to 50 percent.

Terms, conditions, message and data rates may apply. True detective is back. Deep in the Alaskan Arctic, two detectives are in search of answers regarding a group of missing scientists. On the official True Detective Night Country podcast from HBO, unpack each episode of True Detective After It Ares, with perspectives from the cast and crew, including Jody Foster and Kaylee Reese. Listen to the True Detective Night Country podcast wherever you get your podcast. Stream the HBO original True Detective Night Country exclusively on Max.

Okay, I'll be at the Hobby Center for the Performing Arts in Houston on March 2nd and on March 3rd, Performing Arts Center El Paso, Texas. And on March 23rd, the Jackie Gleason Theater in Miami. Come out and see me, you'll laugh your ass off. You know, it used to be completely acceptable in movies punching a woman in the face? And I don't mean from a hundred years ago.

Listen, I was just watching The Verdict. You know the movie? I don't remember it. Great movie. Probably around when you were born, 1982. That's when I was born. Perfect, it's your birth movie. David Mamet, the brilliant David Mamet.

I mean, nobody writes a screenplay like him. Paul Newman, Paul Newman got his victory lap from that movie. He'd already been a big star for a long time, but I remember a cover, a Time magazine, it was just like his big fucking, hey, we've loved you all these years, you're the greatest Paul Newman. And then he just became salad dressing guy.

Yeah, well, you know. Good for him. Good for him because you can't, he got out at the right time. Okay, so in the movie, Paul Newman is a down on his luck lawyer, you should see it, it's great. The other law firm turns out the girl that Paul Newman has been fucking, she's a plant from the other

law firm. Yeah, to get information. So he's very mad at her. He doesn't trust these hos. And he just walks into this place where she's waiting for him to have a drink and just in the face. This is 1982, 1990. She at least Russian. No. 1990 the movie. I can't remember the name Richard gear and Andy Garcia it's great internal affairs cop movie really good. And Andy Garcia.

It's wife in a restaurant when she's and James Bond night. Okay this is going back with 1969 I think Sean Connery no on her majesty secret service the the guy had a cup of coffee in the franchise George Lazenby and Diana Rigg wants to go on the mission with him but it's too dangerous she's arguing so he punches her in the face just to shut her up so he can get out the door and go on the mission by himself. That's so amazing about this. I mean, just saying.

When you see in the movie, it's one second, right? And it's just a quick scene, move on. We've made movies. This is a script that's been around for years. They had to bring in a stunt coordinator. They had to practice this stunt for days. They had to shoot 50 tapes from 50 angles. Like they had many times to rethink this.

Like 200 people were sitting around like, yeah, this is working. Like we really. That's so great. That's exactly the point I'm always trying to make. Everybody was looking at it, was appart it to it, and nobody thought it was wrong. I do this theme all the time.

You know, slavery in the Bible, million rules against it, none of them are, just don't do it. Well, it's like, in Justin Trudeau, that black face, many people were involved. He had no friends. No one was like, are you sure? Right. They were putting it on his hands.

Everybody thought it was cool. Yeah. So if everybody did, you just can't pick like that. I'm obsessed with when people say, like, is Hollywood creepy? I'm like, you mean the business that was built on the back of a four-year-old toddler named Shirley Temple? Yeah, it's a spooky business.

I don't know if you've rewatched a Shirley Temple movie lately. I wouldn't say the business was built on her back. And why did they abuse her? I mean, when you watch these movies, have you seen? I've never seen a Shirley Temple. That's a good thing. That's a good thing. Right, good answer.

I was not interested. Well, first of all, if some younger people even know who we're talking about, she was a child star of the 30s. Is that probably, yeah? Yeah. But she's a sexy. I mean, she's like child's daughter of the 30s. Is that probably, yeah? Yeah. But she's a sexy, they're teaching, I mean, she's like twerking on these,

she's always at war. Twerking? Dude, she's always at war on a ship with a bunch of men, there's no mom in sight, there's no like babysitter or aunt. Right, she was, it was a adorable wife. I don't know what. See, she had dimples and she's like in these little outfits, like, good ship. I don't think they saw See? But I mean my. She's in dimples and she's like in these little outfits like.

Yeah. Like um. Good ship. I don't think they saw anything perverted about it. If you watch. This was the 1930s. If you watch, Good Ship Lollipop. Good Ship Lollipop.

She's licking lollipops on top of like sea men. Right? Sea men. Yeah. Like she's dancing on them. There's 50 men on this ship. Really? Yes, they're holding her, passing her around.

And at the end, they take a cake, and they put the cake in her face, and she has icing on her face. Dude, it's wild. Oh, I have to watch this. No, it's bonkers. And watching it, I'm like, so there was no woman on set that was like, um, this is how she,

her costume is like a little skirt, and then her little diaper like shows. And she's again like four. Like she's very young. So maybe four. So that means if she's shooting the movie before, that means she got cast at like two. Well, she, well, or six.

Because she's probably playing younger. She came in and says, I'm six. I can play four. I can play four really. Give me four, really, give me a chance. Just let me read. You'll think of. Just give me some of those Mary J. So yes, so if she was cast,

if she was shooting at six, that means she was cast for the movie at like four. Because you have to understand there's rehearsals, there's costume things. But she was a big star for. Someone said make the skirt shorter. Okay. She was a big star. You're right, she was a big star.

Like, again. She was like there, she was the Marilyn Monroe of the 30s. She was, no, no, no. She what? I'm telling you. She was the dog adult. No one in that era.

I mean, you're right. There may have been. There was Sophia Barbarra of the 30s. They thought that she was the, most Americans thought she was the most wholesome thing How in that era, I mean, you're right. There may have been- There was Sophia Barbarra of the 13th. They thought that she was the, most Americans thought she was the most wholesome thing in the world, you're right. There were, I'm sure, many perverts who got off on-

Would you go see a movie starring a four-year-old who was tap dancing? Yes, that's, again, what's the name of the show you wanna do? It was a different time. It was a different time? I was 16. It was a different time. It was a different time? I was 16 It was a different time in the the 1930s. Have you ever been entertained by a four-year-old?

Like have you ever genuinely been like this is great? But I hate, no, but I don't like children. I've never I've never been around I'm never around children It's the one consistent thing thing in my life didn't want them didn't like them when I was one don't like them now Never got married never wanted it. Okay, so, but people do love children. That's like the most universal thing. They fucking love children. You know how I know they love children?

Even fucking celebrities do it. Even celebrities have children. Like you'd think, I'm a celebrity, what do I need that for? But like, even they do it. I could have a giraffe. That's how I know that it's a powerful thing that most people like to have. You mean having their own.

Yes. I don't like other people's children. I think if you like other people's children. Lots of people like old children. That's weird. Yes, if you're Michael Jackson, it's weird. It's not weird. It's normal.

Not the one thing is better, but it's like that is more the norm. We are not the norm just as far as numbers. We are not the one thing is better but it's like that is more than or we are not the norm. Just as far as numbers we are not the norm the norm is a baby comes out and 9 out of 10 people be like oh great look at that a baby like I don't think that thing with it. I swear to God, I think most people are like. Oh like I want to watch that toddler act for an hour and a half. It's one thing to be like, that's so cute, but like. They do, they think it's adorable.

No, they're not going to go to a movie? Whitney. Imagine getting in a car, putting pants on, going to watch a child dance for an hour and 40 minutes. You could redo Shirley Temple today and make it a hit again. It's universal, it's timeless. People love children, they think small children are adorable in the way I see every dog.

And I go, hello animal, and I wanna just talk to it and pet it. And I just wanna get to know every dog I see on the street. Sure, sure. Okay. And that's what they people are with children. I think, however, I find it very weird. Like that, remember the Sound of Freedom movie

that came out and it was all about the sex trafficking stuff. Okay. Okay, big, big, huge, huge movie. It was like kind of fishy because Hollywood distributors wouldn't pick it up, but then we found out later that the guy that it was based on, he was kind of a con artist, but you know,

it was about raising awareness about child trafficking internationally, sex trafficking. Couldn't be a more important issue. Not sure if a movie or raising awareness is really going to do anything about it, but still, you know, it was massively popular. People should be aware of that. Yeah, massively popular. And of course it needs to happen. Very glad the movie was made, but I was kind of like,

isn't it a little weird that a movie about objectifying kids, cast kids to play the sex trafficked kids in the movie? Like what does that audition look like? What in the hell else could you do? CGI, midgets, I don't know. Something else? Puppets.

Anything else? Claimation. I don't know. Like I feel like we have the chance. Team America puppets. Don't you just find it weird that child labor is outlawed, yet Hollywood uses child actor? I think child acting is just odd.

Well, prostitution is outlawed, but if you do it in front of a camera, you're a porn star. It's the same thing, you're being paid to fuck. Sure. But we're filming it, so now, you know. Also, like, acting on the street without a camera also probably outlawed. Loitering, I mean, doing anything on the street,

doing any job on the street without a camera is gonna be weird. Any performing on the street. I don't think people like Mimes on the street either. Jugglers. What were we talking about? Kids being cast. Kids. I don't think kids should be the street either. Jugglers. What were we talking about? Kids being cast. Kids.

I don't think kids should be in movies. Wait, Shirley Temple. I'm telling you, most of America went to see that and thought it was just adorable and delightful. In the 30s. Innocent and you're right. I'm sure. Kids worked in factories though.

We now know they have like minds and memories and shouldn't wear makeup. Didn't Jean Benet Ramsey fix this? Exactly. I don't, I think we're weird about child pageants. Did she wear makeup. Didn't Jean Benet Ramsey fix this? Exactly. I think we're weird about child pageants. Did she wear makeup, Shirley Temple? She wore blackface in a movie. Like Jean, like...

That's different. Trudeau level. Right, I know. Up to the lash line. Right, but that's not makeup. I mean, it's something. And back then I knew shoe polish, yeah, whatever. I know, but it's not, it's a different thing.

You have to wear makeup even when you don't wear makeup. Even worse. Yeah. So Shirley Temple wasn't wearing makeup, it's fine. In one, she's doing blackface, in the other, I'm saying did they put makeup to make her look sexy? Like, I, they did.

Yeah, she was a sexy, she was a star. Well, then I'm gonna watch those moments. What do you mean? There's a movie of her in a diaper and another four-year-old dressed in a brothel as like horse, a saloon horse. Have you seen all our movies? Oh, I mean, pedophile.

What do you watch? You watch them on YouTube? Well, no, I've started just because I've sort of been doing forensics on child acting in movies because I think it's kind of a horror show and while that we do this, I got kind of obsessed with the Britney Spears thing and how we sort of like watch these children get publicly super famous and no one feels bad for someone That's famous even though it is right traumatizing on the psyche and usually doesn't end well for people. Well, you know

They really treated Judy Garland bad. I don't know a lot about that Judy. Oh, oh in the Wizard of Oz Speaking of getting well, I mean she was a child star, but she was like, unlike Shirley Temple, I mean, I certainly hope nobody abused Shirley Temple. And by the way, she grew up to be a Congressperson, Shirley Temple Black. So I don't, I don't. So she did go crazy. I don't feel like.

She thought she could make an impact in government. I don't feel like she, she presented herself as a traumatized person, but Judy Garland certainly was. But Judy Garland was older and like in a more like, in that era like where the studio heads fucked everybody. Well, you know she got molested by the midgets on Wizard of Oz. This is true.

Really? Molested by the midgets? They were like drunks. Oh, right. They would go up her skirt. Right. And then the director slapped her once because she couldn can stop laughing.

She was was a very fraught production I'm really obsessed with that you know that the first which had to get leave because the the paint that they put burned skin all right the green yep and then the guy that had the the not the cowardly lion the one that had the strings on his face the scarecrow left permanent scars on his face. Really? Yeah Yeah, they didn't really Have to do to get the shot

God forbid you were an animal Bad, I mean I've heard today still like the, oh, no animals were harmed in the making. I'm like, really? Anytime there's an animal there. How did you get that horse to fall like that? Yeah, oh, God, I don't. This is actually my off-camera big cause.

Me too. Yeah. And it's the one thing I can't physically make myself watch is animal cruelty. Like, I never would see, I love Steven Spielberg, I would never see C. Biscuit. I'm not gonna watch him, we'll be about a horse. Okay, so I'm a horse, I rescue horses.

Oh you do? Yeah, that's my thing. Wow. Yeah. Rescue horse. And then during the Woolsey fires, I went up to rescue the giraffe Stanley that's up in Malibu Safari,

which was the giraffe from the hangover that they say is retired and it's not. So I got very into this sort of... Tired. Yeah, just into this... We're acting. Into the who gets to have exotic animals.

I mean, how many parts are there? It's Hollywood. He was too old. And started showing... You stuck your neck out for him. Yeah, exactly. I did. And so I got very into that because there's a lot of animals

that used to be in movies. And now that it's gone out of vogue to have animals in movies for a million reasons, there's all these animals that are really expensive to keep. So what people end up doing is like, assholes like Dan Bilzerian and stuff, and these like dickhead billionaires will rent animals for private parties and stuff.

So they're actually being abused even more now in a lot of ways because they have to find ways to keep making money for them. Am I just losing, the man are just turning off your podcast right now. No, why? There's a female comedian lecturing about animals. Oh no, I'm so on the page with you. In fact, I'll tell you a funny story. I was a very, very dear friend of mine, one of the great guys in this town and he, but this is before he had his, you know, now he's lives in a nice mansion,

but he was like still in an apartment, but he was a player already. And he had this great party with all these stars. And it was like a theme party, but he like, I guess it was, I don't know, but there was a fucking camel in the lobby of the apartment building. And I said to him like, it's what?

Was it Egyptian? No. Oh, that wasn't his car? No, it was just like a theme. And then there was a tiger. Like, out on his porch, like his deck. I'm like, you know what? This would make sense a little, not really,

but if we had to, if you lived in some big three acre place, you know what, this would make sense a little, not really, but if we had to. If you lived in some big three acre place, you were in an apartment building, and you got a camel in the lobby. You know, and so like I'm bitching, so like I'm going around and I can't stand that these animals are here. And I'm kind of like whispering in the ear of all these people,

some of whom were rather well known about about do you really think it's cool that they're torturing these animals? And eventually he comes over and he says, you're right, everybody's complaining, I'm gonna send the animals home. And just then our old Schwarzenegger walks in, he goes, I want to see the tiger. Ha ha ha ha.

Can I tell you, do you ever get like an offer in this business that makes you question like your worth very deeply? Like I remember when I got offered Dancing with the Stars, I was like, it's over, you know what I mean? It's like it should be just like, oh that's so nice that they thought of me, I'm just gonna pass.

But instead I was like, I get to do it, I go to law school, do what I do. And I remember getting a call. That's a huge show. Yeah, but it felt like at the time, like, oh, this is like the end of your career, which it's not the case anymore, but I just, you know. I mean, yes, you could look at it that way,

but I don't think, I think it's just more like, I think you should look at that positively, like you're enough of a household name of a draw you know of someone who a broad swath of America because that is a broad swath kind of show sure sure and attractive and like yeah I would not to poo poo that it's like you know I got a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame is it kind of douchey yeah but no that's huge yeah that's massive oh please you could buy him I mean it's covered in a homeless man's shit right now.

And you could buy them, I think. Oh, really? I think that, I don't know, I probably, they'll probably hate me for saying this, but I feel like I've heard that. I don't, look, this is not fact, it's what I've heard. And also, you do see some names who are just completely. I agree, I agree.

Who's Herb Winston? Yeah, it's always Herb. I think he's a guy who ends your friend or something. Yeah, it is pretty. So, but no, many of them are, I mean, I was thrilled to get it and, if only my mom and dad could see it. But one time I was offered, what was it?

What were we just talking about before? I remember what it was. I get the call, This was a low point. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to talk to you about writing a movie. I'm like, the twins reboot? Wait. True lies?

Arnold Schwarzenegger did? Yeah, an agent called saying, Oh, wow. Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the movie is, what's the movie? It's a movie about his two mini horses that live in his house. Whiskey and sugar plumb or whatever the fuck.

So we both have Arnold Schwarzenegger animal abuse stories. As by the way, a political genius expert, like I just would have loved to have a camera on you when Arnold Schwarzenegger won governor of California. I love Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm trying to get him on this. I can't get him any or I can't get him on real time. It breaks my heart because I'm such a big fan, not just of his movies, but like, I mean,

come on, talk about the immigrant experience. He came here with nothing but a loincloth and a jar of protein powder. A guy that's an animal. It became the governor and the biggest star. I just think he's also politically very reasonable. He's a, you know, look, I remember him making that speech at one of the Republican conventions. Why am I a Republican?

And it was like, it's not exactly my philosophy, but I got it. I'm an immigrant and I want to be in a place where you have total freedom and you can get as high as you want and you're not too many taxes and like to stop my freedom from and the things of this nature, you know, and I just thought it's a good sale for what a Republican should be. We do need that and the Republicans of course have gone crazy off the deep end, so has the far left. And he was like that kind of old school, very reasonable, good on environmental issues,

good on social issues. You know, he's a California Republican. I just don't remember seeing him a lot. I don't remember seeing a lot of speeches. I don't remember. Yeah, well, you know. Maybe I was just not engaged at the time. Well, I'm never engaged with what the governor of the Crest State is to really.

It's kind of a mass-dial. I mean, it's like, you know Yeah, it's like it's big news all here about it. It's like things were going better though when he was the governor. Well, he got rid of the contact. But that did things I mean. Don't get me started on the state. I mean look I can hear the rain pouring out there now I love, I love it. I do too. But it is funny that, like for the longest time, we thought we would never have rain again, right?

Here we are. Right? Didn't you, you've lived here for a while. How long have you lived in California? I've been here about 20 years now. 20 years, okay. So you, this last drought era, where like it never rained and everything was brown and you felt so bad

for the coyotes and like anything trying to like get in you know and now it's like really you know we're washing away and it's like great I need to replace the ground water is where it gets dicey because that it's now everything's gonna grow and get very lush so next year there's gonna be a higher chance for fires because it's gonna all dry up so that's that's when things get dicey but I was reading somewhere that every 20 years there's gonna be a higher chance for fires because it's gonna all dry up. So that's when things get dicey, but I was reading somewhere that every 20 years, there's a rain for 200 days and we're close to that. We're close.

My first year living here, it rained every day for the first month. Whoa. And I saw that again 10 years later in the 90s. I love that. So it can happen. And it did teach me, I mean I was a little gloom and doomy about the never because it was like OK I get it it's dry

here but this is like you know that movie where Matthew McConaughey has to figure out how we go to another place where everything is just dry by anybody can figure that out would be the McConaughey anyway. But like and then and then it started to rain again. And it just made me think, maybe we do drive ourselves a little too crazy when we don't have to. You know what I mean?

Maybe we do Trump same thing now. Like I back off none about how much I hate him and don't want him in his office again. But if he wins again, I can't go through the same kind of stress and I just can't ride with every bump in his road. I just have to be like- It's gotta be a level of surrender. Either wake me when he does blow up the world. Yeah. Do you think there's any version of Trump's reign being something that's gonna wake people up?

Or, I mean, my thing is it's hard for me to talk about politics until there's some kind of election reform, or like, why isn't voting a national holiday? Like, why isn't, you know, there's just certain things that it's like, is Trump the person to reveal all these things that need to be reformed? Is he gonna reveal the issues, the weaknesses in the system? Do you see any silver lining?

It's funny, cause that's one of his big selling points and people love it and it was kind of clever. I mean, he was bragging at one of the debates where they tried to get him on, you don't pay any taxes, you're so rich. And he's like, you're right I don't. Everybody else would have been, oh no, I mean, he was like, you're fucking right I don't.

You know what? Because I'm smart. I know how to beat the system, because I'm in the system. So I'm the only one who can reform the system, because I know the system, and I beat it every time, because I'm the smartest. And it's like, there was a kernel of truth in that. He does know the system, he is inside of it.

He knows how to play that stupid game where the rich people do get to minimulate stuff like that and Of course, he didn't reform it. That was the bullshit part of it. Yeah, but he but something like that could I mean Franklin D Roosevelt was a rich person That was sort of his appeal the Democratic Party like, you know, you're the risk the Roosevelt's you know fucking rich as fuck There's an excellent I mean the rock rock Rockifold, and the Rockifold, same thing, Nelson Rockifold and that family when they got into politics, same thing,

like I know it from the inside, and I'm rich, and I don't need anybody's money. Sure, sure, sure. I'm the one who can have Kennedy- Sure, so I'm not owed to anybody. I can help the poor people, because I don't need money. And no lobbyists can't buy me,

and corporations can't buy me. You know, there's an amazing documentary called Hillbilly that I think not enough people have seen that is about sort of why Trump got elected. I have family that comes from West Virginia. And basically, when Hillary said, you know, a basket of deplorables, she talked about coal. And that same speech, she said, you know,

we're going to move to clean energy. The coal miners did the best they could to keep the lights on, but we're going to move to clean energy. And then he put a hard hat on and he went to West Virginia. So I mean, you know, he at least is smart enough, he studied Berlusconi, he studied, you know, he studied Stalin, he studied all these people to know like, you know, poor people vote. And...

You think Trump studied those people? Yeah. I don't. Really? I don't think he's ever studied anything. It's all completely instinctive. He has notes in him that remind you of Stalin and Berlusconi and frankly, Hitler. Not Hitler, kill all the Jews, Hitler,

but Hitler, master politician, instinctive politician who was crazy, because Trump is crazy, not like clinically kind of crazy, but has that instinct for playing on people's sense of being wounded and being owed something and resentment, the politics of grievance. Sure. Hitler did that too.

I think he reads a lot of Robert Greene too. Like I think he said, but maybe anything. He does not read anything. He doesn't read anything. He hasn't studied any of all these theories. He's never plotting. What do you think about the syphilis theory? That he has syphilis?

That he got syphilis in the 80s and apparently having syphilis for over 25 to 30 years. Why wouldn't he have treated it? Leads to, cause he's crazy, it leads to a certain that kind of fluffy hair, orange skin, erratic, irrational behavior. I mean, it's possible, but I can't believe somebody

with his wealth and access to doctors would have let syphilis go untreated. He saw that picture of his doctor though. Remember he had a, Right, that crazy guy. I feel like that guy might have missed it. Right. Yeah.

You're right, maybe that's his Achilles heel. Because he also had this other I remember we quoted it once in an editorial this lady There's it and you know just shows anybody can get an MD some crazy lady He was listening to around the time he got COVID. Yeah, and she was like, I mean she was Way off into like I think like something like Space Invader kind of stuff. So yeah, maybe he's just an eccentric who doesn't go to a normal medical doctor. Remember how like Steve Jobs would only eat orange food or something and he wouldn't get

his cancer treated, you know? Well he got, okay. Narcissism does wild things. That's not fair to Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs did make a critical error, which he ignored. By the way, I think I conflated him with Billy Bob Thorne just now. No, no. Was it Billy Bob Thorne, the one that only eats orange food?

I don't know. I don't remember what. I've never heard that, but it sounds like something that I could think of 100 celebrities that would apply to. OK. But Steve Jobs, there was some eccentricity in the medical. Well, Steve Jobs got pancreatic cancer, and he tried to handle it organically.

I understand that because I primarily go to a holistic doctor. I think you have to have a Western doctor and there's Western doctors who I also appreciate and use very much because you need both. But he took a hard, there was an impossible choice. The survival rate of pancreatic cancer is like super low. So if you do what they normally do, which is it's like, well, we don't know. Plainly they don't know how to deal with it,

Western medicine. So he was like, well, if that's a sure thing I'm out, why not try the other thing? I get really interested when some- But that didn't work either. I get interested why not try the other thing I get really interested in that didn't work either I get interested when something that works really well for somebody in their work or personal life. You know then is applied to another area of course the person who's like this is how phones should be and

this is how you know it's such a perfectionist and you know he would drop the the first I was at the eye touch or whatever it was those tiny little things they would say this is the smallest we can get it and then he dropped it into a aquarium and then a little bubble came out and he went and could get smaller, there's air in there, you know, that kind of mind. And then they stopped production on everything that they were doing. They were like, well, we've already made millions of these, let's just release this. And, you know, the next iteration will make smaller, and he goes, that's what other people would do, that's not what we're gonna do, we're gonna hold

it for a year and wait. And then when you get to his medical care, he's got the same whatever mentality that makes him a genius in business is limiting in his personal life. I've seen guys who were like geniuses in business. This happens a lot. Who with women were like beyond our word. Yeah, retarded? You said it, not me.

I did say retarded. Retarded. Yeah not me. I did say retarded. Retarded. Yeah, it's a word you really need. It's, I think we might have to claw that one back. I don't think it's ever left. It's not insulting, we're not insulting anybody. No. It's just as a language is a living.

We're running out of problems as a society and we're making up fake ones it seems like. That too, but language is a living, breathing organism. That's why Shakespeare is almost, you need a guidebook to read. When I was in school, there's too many words that aren't the same. Teachers would say it.

Of course, it's in movies. So it's like, so I think that when you get on the self-righteous bullies, that's where I just go like, oh, this is the only way you could defeat me in anything. So this is what you're going to use. Yeah, exactly. I'm not doing this, you fucking dork, play fair. Because everything that you're saying today is the right thing to say. In 10 years, it's going to be offensive.

What were we talking about? Something was... Chief jobs. Oh, your friends that are business geniuses that are retired women are they saying well. I'm available I like retarded men as long as they don't trip and fall as long as they're not clumsy we're good. Can they walk down a street New York without you take dirt out but yeah there is that for sure which is why I asked

about base earlier cannot believe how inept like like wow you have this and it's so interesting about human beings. You could have this amazing aptitude in this other area. Super power that's a liability. Like you see them just, they cannot talk to a girl, present themselves. They just, yeah, I'm glad I wasn't a genius in anything so that I could like spread.

I thought it'd be very hard to date you. I'd be intimidated to date you. I'd be afraid that you... Yeah, I'm a day at the beach. I mean, as long as you accept me, that's the thing. Is that women, it's like it's acceptance, especially as you get older. I would say the two attributes I really prize

in this period of my life comfort and acceptance. You know, I don't want to be uncomfortable. I backpacked through Europe when I was 21, but you know, I'm right in different. But I find that you probably have very little patience for irrational behavior and so much love is irrational. Actually, I'm super, I mean, look, I don't want to get too like to reveal too much. I do. Let's go. But, you know, I would say having...

Yes, we talked about this before. It dated like in a way that was not age-appropriate. You would be amazed at how much patience... Like, that is what brought out patients. you would be amazed at how much patience, like that is what brought out patience in me. Like somebody who was like much younger than me, if they didn't understand something or know something, it was like, I completely understand that.

There's no reason why you should and I'd be happy to help you understand that if you want me to, but I never pushed that on you. That was the Woody Allen character. I want you to read these books. I would never want to be that guy. You know who's like saying you're not smart enough you have to learn something. No no no no. You know I learned so much from people who are not age-appropriate that I would never know about our culture. She had about the phones and slang and what people are doing. So okay.

I mean that's how I learn. Okay. And I want to learn. I don't want to be cut off from, but I'm not on social media. Sure. You know, I don't see it on my phone. How do you meet women? Do people set you up?

Well, let's not. What? We are not. We are not talking about that at all. There's no women in my life with me. I am dedicated to my mission is to heal America. That takes all my energy and concentration. That's nice.

You do have a mysteriousness about you. Good. But it's not negative in any way. It's very sophisticated. It's like I feel like you take a lover. Do you know what I mean? You're like Winston Churchill, just in a bathtub. Well, I hope I'm more appealing than Winston Churchill.

I feel like they know the deal, you know the deal. And you're very adult and fair about it. I'm more romantic than that. Oh, nice. That track, that feels right. Yeah, but... I feel like you don't make messes though. You just...

Correct, here's the thing. Don't lie to women. Can I tell you? Don't lie to women. They don't like it. I don't blame them for liking it. I hate it also when people lie to me. Just don't lie to them in any way.

And that can be lie by commission or lie by omission. Because you can lie by omission. That's right. Be honest with yourself. See, I went through phases. There was a time when I was still lying, but it wasn't like outright lies. Well, if you're lying to yourself, is it a lie?

An outright lie is, you know, a guy who's married, I'm not married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was never my lie. Okay, then there's the sly lie, which is like, you know, when I was maybe 25 or 30 and a girl would, I was trying to fuck with saying, you know, she likes kids, do you like kids? And I knew I hated kids, but I wouldn't say,

oh no, I fucking hate kids, because I knew I'd never get anywhere with her. So I would be like, well, I'm not right now, but you know, maybe, you know, I don't know. It sounds whole-heat. Okay, and then there's just like, at a certain point, you don't lie, and it's really the way to go.

Because that is the main thing. Fageness is the enemy. The main thing that makes women mad at you is if you lie to them, and I don't blame them. And I think women are actually more reasonable than a lot of people. The people that I think are like women are nuts. I'm like, well, did you lie to them?

Of course. No, they really are reasonable. In general, I mean, there's certainly plenty of nuts. If you treat them in an adult way, I don't think you're even going to get to a point where you're lying to someone who's nuts. You probably wouldn't even let that get that far. I gotta tell you, we all talk in the small community we're in.

And you know, I always heard, not always, but sometimes heard like, oh, Whitney, you know, she's just kind of crazy. I couldn't find you more sane talking to you. I never really talked to you. I couldn't find you more sane. You seem to be completely like in charge of your shit. I would love to know the people who said that because I think that... I will prepare

a list. I love a jarring compliment like that. It's like, you know, everyone says you're an asshole. No, not an asshole. It fascinates me. Just like the crazy girl's like, you know, everyone says you're an asshole. No, not an asshole. It fascinates me. Not an asshole, just like the crazy girl. Like, you know when you- Like, it could be crazy. I think it's from things you yourself said. On stage? Probably, of course.

Yeah. Okay. I think I- Well, that's where it comes from. Okay, yeah. So be any female comedian is crazy, you know? It's like, go to strangers for love. No, that's not true.

Roseanne, that wasn't her thing. I think her thing. No, no one thinks she's crazy. I know she is, but I'm saying, but her theme wasn't, I'm crazy. Her theme was I'm a put-upon blue collar housewife. Right. That was her thing.

And what choice do I have? Right. And when I defend myself, I think we're also at a point where if you say something sane, you sound crazy. And I think a lot of times in comedy, when you have boundaries or work hard, people think you're crazy. You know, like I always work really hard.

I show up, I say hi to everybody, but I'm really usually not there to socialize for the most part. I'm really focusing on being on stage. I like don't drink, I don't smoke weed at work. So I think people have always looked at me as this kind of like workaholic, super ambitious, sort of, and then I never dated a comedian.

Like I kind of just had this Darwinian instinct that was like, do not piss where you eat. Very smart. Well, people are already saying that you're Very smart. sleeping with people. Very smart. Because again, you'd be in such a no-win. First, I mean, if you fucked one,

what's gonna happen if you break up? Then people are gonna start taking sides, now you've started a war. I'm already nervous enough in this hallway. And if you ever fuck two, then you're a slut who fucks everybody. Yeah, and then you'll die of AIDS. Right, and that was very smart to keep that ledger clean.

And who needs them? And it's like this isn't... I'm sure there were better pickings, right? You dated some high profile people. I mean, I think for me, it was always just kind of like, this is hard enough, and this, I always saw it as a workplace. You know, I wouldn't get to see this person every night

for the next 30 years, hopefully. You mean, because you still go to the club? Yeah, yeah, this is the gym. This is, you know, I come here every night, so I'm gonna be seeing each other. You do, you still do that? Still do, still do it. So many of you guys do that. I mean, I come here every night, so I'm gonna be seeing each other again. You do, you still do that? Still do, still do it. So many of you guys do that.

I mean, I just don't get it. But I think that you doing your show is in a way, that's what you're doing. Of course, I don't have time. But that's what you're doing in a way. You have an audience and you're working on jokes and you know, that's kind of your workout in a way. It's much more polished.

But I think it's interesting because the part of the reason I still go to the clubs is something that I didn't anticipate is, you know, because I think I can sometimes write at home and go like, this is going to work. Like I have a general idea of what's going to work and what's not going to work, but what sometimes I haven't updated my software on is how I'm perceived by the audience. You know, because I think the more successful you get, the more known you get. People see you as elite or they see you as rich or they see you as successful.

So this joke about like, you know, of the way you perceive yourself, that's funny because your perception is gonna be a little bit incongruous with the audiences. And then it's like, oh, that kind of bombed. Oh, because they think that I'm, could have any man I want or whatever. You know what I mean?

Or they're like, what do you mean when you were sitting in coach? Like you fly coach? You were on Southwest. And then I'm like, why is this bombing? You were on Southwest, and then I'm like, why is this bombing? And someone will tell you, they'll be like, it just didn't occur to me that you fly Southwest.

And so of course I do. So I think it's sometimes just making sure you're self aware. If that makes sense. It so makes sense. Yeah, again, you have hurdles I have to, I don't have to think about. Okay, so who else called me crazy? I really like this.

I honestly can't think of anybody specifically. You just get a, you know, and I'm sure what, you think they don't have, you think I don't know what people are saying about me? Of course I do. You know what's weird? And it's fine. You know what's weird?

I don't, I've always been intimidated by you, but I don't, it's interesting. Where did that come from? Nowhere. From what people say. It's just that, well no, it's I'm a fan and I've watched you and you're ferociously smart and you do this thing that when someone says something dumb,

you cannot fake it. Right. No. And you do this thing where you just go, okay, like, you'll just like, it'll throw you and you'll decide in your head it's not even worth arguing about this because I see you like deliberating and vacillating whether you should even retort it. And so you just go, okay. I should let it go more than I do

because it'd probably be helpful in getting guests. I love it because I think for you, and I know you don't wanna bring it up, but in interview you did recently, you were saying I think what smart people were thinking. And I think if you weren't, it would be like, Bill, why are you doing this show? Or you're hanging out with somebody

and you're being fake. That should be the whole show. That should be all the show is saying what smart people are thinking. Saying what smart people are thinking. And that's what you're doing. It's almost like Mystery Science Theater. Like I'm watching you sort of like narrate

because I'm listening and it's almost like, you know when you're watching a horror movie and you're like, he's behind you. It's so frustrating to see the killer behind and the person doesn't know. And it's like, well, Bill, we're tuning in because he's our smartest friend. And to watch someone else like swindle him mentally

or get one over on him. What a great phrase. What's the point? Swindle him mentally. You can't hoodwink Bill. So it's funny to just watch someone try to make a point with you and you go, well, that's not true and I like it. It's there's a cringy awkwardness to it

Well, I mean if it's all my gets back to what we're saying about relationships and when make people mad at you Just don't lie to me and I'll be the best host But as soon as I smell your bullshit, then I'm going to stop the Ferris wheel and make you get off and buy a cotton candy and then tell you your bullshit. I mean, I like these kind of guests. We had this, the governor of New Hampshire on Friday night and, you know, happy warrior Republican can take a punch. You know, loves it when you just, a lot of them are like that,

especially the Republicans, they do not, it's almost a bad Germaner, like to get called on their shit because they're still sticking to it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So whatever bullshit he was saying, and after, he's like, I love it, you know, that's to me a great guess because I can do that without worrying about like, you know, I don't want snowflakes. To walk on eggshells. Yeah, no, no, no, no.

And so, you know, you're not going to get everybody to come on a show like it. Certainly not most celebrities. Not that we want most celebrities because they're- You get insane guests. Too stupid to do it. You can do it. You're smart about this shit. What?

Politics. My thing about politics is kind of, I mean I grew up in DC, I grew up half in DC, like not being able to get home because Madeline Albright was, you know, like just, I went to school with like diplomats, kids and lobbyists. Yeah, that's interesting. So in a weird way, I kind of, you know,

my mom, I went to both, I went to a lot of schools, got kicked out of a bunch of them. My mom did public relations for Neiman Marcus in DC, So like the diplomats wives would come in, you know, and I grew up in Neiman Marcus and in a Bloomingdale, she worked at department stores. So I would, you know, kind of see these people from the very early age as like human beings that were rude to the lady at the store, rude to the girl in the makeup counter. I'd go to a friend's house at school and the mom was a lobby'd go to a friend's house at school and the mom was a lobbyist who was a drunk.

You know, I saw them as like human beings, like bad parents and just shitty people. So I kind of always, you know, had a bad taste in my mouth for politicians in general and never quite understood what kind of person wants that job, you know? Well, different types. There are really sincere ones.

They tend to be more Democrats. I'm not just being biased. I think that's really true. Democrats are interested in the field of government, just like someone wants to be a cardiologist. And then don't you think sort of like any fields, don't they say that at the top of any field, like 30% of people are sociopaths or something?

Is it? No, that would be insane. 30%? I think it's pretty high in like business. Well, it might be more. Refresh my memory on sociopath as opposed to psychopath. So apparently there's, this is where I shine. This is, you know a lot about politics. I know a lot about mental disorders.

And it used to be, because also all these terms change every couple years, right? So I said multiple personality disorder the other day. You're not supposed to say that. And you're also not supposed to say spas. I was calling myself a spas. Can you say that? I'm sure, it's fine.

I can't spell it, but I can say it. And psychopath and sociopath, it used to be the main difference was that a psychopath had an awareness that you were on to them so they would overcompensate with grandiose gestures in some way right where sociopaths just lack empathy and they don't really care if you sort of know or not right when is Trump. It's all of them. He might be cluster B I think there's something called cluster B, which is like borderline sociopathy

and has like parasitic narcissism in it. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I can't stand to have these days people are like, he's a narcissist and he love-bombed me and he's toxic. And you're just like, okay, none of these are real terms. Like is this Instagram psychology? Have we ever been love-bombed?

I hopes, I mean, also girls are like, ever been lovebombed? I hope so. I mean, also, girls are like, he lovebombed me and then disappeared. I'm like, yeah, he met you. He liked you in the beginning and then your personality revealed itself and then he left you. That's on you.

You started to suck and he moved on to someone else. He's a narcissist. Oh, you're mad because he stopped taking photos of you in front of a wall of painted wings for your Instagram? Who's the narcissist here? Like, what is this thing now when relationship goes bad, the other person is either a narcissist, toxic or love bombed?

He broke up with you. It happens. I want to tell you, he gaslit me. No! What? He liked you and then he didn't. Like, he wanted to tell you. He gaslit me. No! What? He liked you and then he didn't. Like, he wanted to like you. You, like, I don't know what to tell you.

You're right. I mean, I can't believe how well you're channeling the male. Sorry. No, you are channeling the male point of view in a way I've not heard a woman do. Well, I think you do something that I really appreciate, which is that you're like a liberal that calls out liberals. Oh yeah. And I'm a woman that calls out women.

Because I don't think it's fair to anyone to be like, no, the girl in the Roselle Deschert knows what she's talking about. Right, no. Like she's a fucking mess, you're a mess. Right. You know? Like I always say, like you guys think women are crazy.

Like we see the text messages she didn't send. No, I remember you mentioned the meet to move in. I've probably saying too much here, but I remember, okay, so this is 2017. Okay, so eight years ago. Come on, give me a break. I was like, a completely different guy. But this completely different time. And this completely different guy. Okay. I was going out with this, I was probably dating a lot at that moment. You know. That's what I heard.

So, like, I was just amazed. Like, I would say to some women who I knew at the time, like, who were younger, you know, Harvey Weinstein. And they'll be like, who? Wait, what? You were just hanging out with him and you just say his name? No, we would be talking.

Oh. We're talking. I love to talk. And you would just bring up Harvey Weinstein? Well, we talk about everything. Like people talk. Oh. You know, we're sitting at my bar in my living room, smoking a joint, having a drink and talking.

And what would they say about Harvey? Did they know? Well, that's the thing. Like, first it was like, who's that? Oh, okay. Like, it was so not on their radar and so like something they didn't give a shit about. And then when I explained how he was, what he did,

their reaction was always skepticism of the women. And I had to, like, And I had to explain to them, no sweetheart, I'm telling you, I get where you're coming from but no, this is really a bad dude. No, he really is a monster. Well, he didn't rape me, so it must not be true. No, no, and then they got it. And then it was like, oh, okay. I do honestly, if a guy wasn't a creep to me, I have a hard time believing he was a creep to anyone else,

which is very messed up. When someone's like, Russell Bran was a creep, I'm like, I met him, he was fine. Right. I met him too when he was good. And if he didn't harass me, he must not. Right, right. That's me?

You were great. He didn't harass me? Right. If he could resist around me, I'm pretty sure he could resist around you. It's just us calling the victims ugly. Women have egos too. I'm more than one time, not a lot more than one, but a few times. I remember having a date with somebody and like I wasn't feeling it, right? So it was just fine. We just

went through the night and then good night. And you kind of both knew, I think, at that moment that there wasn't, you know, fine. You were saying Coulter. Yeah, there was, no. No, nobody liked that. I would never date anybody like that. And then, like, I heard some time later them say that, oh, yeah, we went out, but I dumped him or something.

And it's like, no, you just, I did not want to date you after I went out with you once, but your ego had to say that you made the choice. Sure. You know, there's that too on the woman side. Of course. Which is fine. Of course.

But I've heard that a couple of times. Yeah. Something I knew was a flat out lie. Yeah. Like how that ended. It was like, okay. Whatever you need to believe. Yeah, right.

If you need to believe that you know what Bill What? Oh, I do I why totally am you? No, no, I'm just saying I'm making a point. Yeah women have egos too. I'm trying to think I have done that I Don't yeah, I don't it's tricky though because it's like, you know when you start dating someone You're like this is either gonna end or keep going either way. This is a nightmare Hot girls don't want to fuck everybody, but they want to know that everybody wants to fuck them Like I've seen girls like

Just like They will There was an old actor on the end, Sullivan Joe, the guy who spun the plates. And he would like, there'd be like eight plates. And he'd have to keep going from one to the other to keep them all spinning on the end of these big poles. And I remember this girl who just liked the improv and she would just like keep like eight guys

around the room all, she could go and give a guy like two minutes of her undervided attention. And it would be like, and then she would go and she. And it's also tricky cause youvalued attention. Totally. And it would be like a magic. And it's also tricky because you're like, oh my God, he wants to sleep with me. And you're like, but he also would like fuck a doll. You know what I mean? If that, like he would also like fucking a pillow.

Course, classic. You're not Jewish, right? You know what? I am a quarter. Just found this out. Quarter, moms, dad. Jewish, right? You know what? I'm a quarter. Just found this out. Quarter. Mom's dad. Texas Jew.

So one of your grandparents. One of my grandparents. Yeah, Ashkenazi. Uh-oh, what happened? No, I've just, I always thought it was amazing that Nazi is in Ashkenazi. What are the odds? Interesting. Like it's a complete coincidence that NAZI, where else do you see that?

Except in Askenazi and Nazi. What does Nazi mean? We don't say Askenazi, say Askenazi. Are the Nazis Nazis? No, it's completely coincidental. Nazi stands for a national socialist party whatever it is in German of Zany idiots. Yeah. That's just how it.

I love that that just broke down to something super goofy. Yeah. Something wild that happens. I feel like the day you turn 40, you become obsessed with Hitler. That's what happened to me. Oh, it happened long before that for me. Well, when I was, see, when I was a kid, I was a, I'm the child of World War II veterans. Whoa.

And like in the 60s, mid-60s when I'm a little kid, the television shows were about World War II. It was only 20 years old. It was still by far the biggest thing that ever happened. And that generation was now, and they were like the millennials. Because they were kids when they were in the war, in the 40s.

Now it's the 60s, they're 40. Can you imagine this generation being drafted? No. And they're studying it. I mean, they can't survive a TikTok challenge. Right. They're eating tide parts. No. Like...

Well, the thing is that the military is a little different. There is always going to be people in this country, I hope, who are the military types. And I mean that in a really complimentary way. No, people who are, you know, same thing as in politics. There are people who do it for the right reason I mean there are after 9-11 plenty of people just guys who just like no That's a bridge too far. Yeah, and we need to kick somebody's ass Yeah, so

So there will still be military types, but yes, they need more than that You can't just have you need, when the shit hits the fan, you need to like, like sometimes draft people. And that kind of person who had to be drafted, no, that person is not gonna survive the military. Or some will, maybe like, you know, two out of eight will. I could see that. But so you got obsessed with Hitler early.

Well, because World War II was like the big thing. That was Hogan's Heroes and it was Michelle's Navy on the shows. That was Korea. That was later and about the Korean War. Oh, see? So yes, so I like, and you know, mom and dad were over there. My mother gave me a German bayonet that they had.

That's not on the wall. No, I think, I remember my father saying, we were going through, there was some other shit like that that they had. Also, how did she give it to you, like quickly? Well, that's the thing. I remember her, I'm very few memories of this early on, but I remember when I was seven, I must have been aware of it because I wanted it badly. And I remember she said, you can have it when you're 13.

And I remember thinking at seven, I do remember this 13. You know, like, I'll never be 13. You know, it's interesting. I'll never get there. Right. I mean, when you're seven, you're like, why don't you tell me I'll get it when I'm a thousand. Yes, yes, yes. It is so wild. And now six years is like, why don't you tell me I'll get it when I'm a thousand. Yes, yes, yes. It is so wild.

And now six years is like, you know, it'll go like, it'll be like in two seconds, I'll be six years older. That is so fascinating. And I hope you'll still be here. That is so crazy. But that is a kind of a suave wrap up. Oh, are we? Oh, are you joking?

Well, I was just getting, getting into this bayonet. Thanks for having me. I don't know how to dismount from this thing. I'm just more worried about spreading my legs for this camera. No. And we have bro hug. Oh, so we just... We just had a...

Okay. Hey, dude. Ow! Like, ow!