Club Random with Bill Maher - Whitney Cummings | Club Random with Bill Maher

Episode Date: February 18, 2024

The hilarious and provocative Whitney Cummings and Bill on the engaging personality of Jeff Bezos, Bill’s favorite Whitney bit, late night hosts who laugh at everything, the ways you can be turned off by a date, why toxic masculinity is necessary, the words we can’t say anymore, the one thing you can’t get cancelled for, that thing female comedians have to worry about that men don’t, how men used to openly assault women in movies, Bill’s admiration for Arnold Schwarzenegger, the undeniable creepiness of Shirley Temple movies, and tons more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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go 1-866-531-2600 or visit connexontario.ca. Please play responsive. I can't believe how well you're channeling the male point of view in a way I've not heard a woman write. Well, I think you do something that I really appreciate. I'm at the point where I go, you know what, come at me. Because when this story is relayed,

you will look ridiculous. Clarenda. Hi. How are you? Do I stand? Can I do I stay seated? I'm like. I think you should definitely stand.

I'm like. Like I'm King Charles. I'm in a full panic. Bad reference, he just got cancer. Oh, is that, oh. No, I just was, I wouldn't think of that, but now that I said reference, he just got cancer. Oh, is that, oh. No, I just was, I wouldn't think of that, but now that I said it, it just reminded me, you know, he just was diagnosed with cancer.

Sorry, see, I can't be here, I have to leave. I feel like I'm on the most high stakes date of my life. I'm so stressed out, I'm sweating. Why? Because. You, of all people, I feel like you're one of the most confident people in show business. Oh, it's an act.

Well, isn't everything an act in show business? Yes, yes. It's like, you know, who can act the best? We're actors. I think I... Not us, comedians are not actors. That's true. Sometimes people say to me, you know, out and about,

oh, you're an actor. I'm like, not only are you wrong, we're just insulting, but I'm the opposite of an actor. Yep, we're the- Not that I'm insulting actors, but I am the opposite. And you are too. We are truth tellers. That's true.

We don't conceal, we reveal. And I only get cast to play myself, and it's never acting. If I'm passed out. Right, even on your titular sitcom, you were Mew. Yeah, I was who I was at that time. I look back and cringe, but. Really?

I think the goal is to always look at a previous iteration of yourself and cringe a little, because that means you've changed. I thought that show was funny. Thank you, I appreciate that. People loved it. Yeah, who cares if, I mean, of course we're all evolving. Yes. I mean, cringe, like these people who cares? I mean, of course we're all evolving. Yes.

I mean, cringe, like these people who are like in interviews, very common thing to say is no regrets. I'm like, what? Who says that? Everybody. I've heard it a million times. Like, no regrets. I guess it's, I don't think they mean,

I think what they mean. You should have them. Of course. Yeah. Again, I have zillions of regrets You're talking to someone and they're just like those mistakes made me the person I am today, and I'm like, yeah, that's the problem It made you this well know they They can't make you better. Come on. I mean like sure like I very often felt

guilt really what not really Justified because I couldn't help it but about being in a relationship with someone I often felt guilt, really, not really justified because I couldn't help it, but about being in a relationship with someone as the years went by and being like much better than I used to be and realizing, oh, I learned that on somebody else. Some other poor chick. But she got something out of it too. I agree, but I'm just saying, I feel bad.

You learned it on her? Was this a sex trick? No, no, learning how to behave with somebody. You have to. I mean, we're all dumb when we're young. Yep. But I can think of like specific things, very specific things.

Like what? You know, like, oh, I don't know, stupid things. Like, I remember once- Because you're my hero in terms of like, as someone, this is why you like my sitcom, because I played a character that never wanted to get married. Right, right. The, the commitment phobia thing. So I'm an aspiring commitment phobic.

Right. Helping me. I've always objected to that term. I've been called that. I remember you used to say, well, I don't like sushi. Am I a sushi phobic? Or is it just my taste? Why is my taste worse than yours? Sure. And it's also interesting because I've been accused so much in relationships with people where people are like, you just have an intimacy issues. I'm like, no, I just don't want to be intimate with you. You have commitment phobia. No, just don't want to be intimate with you. Right. You have commitment phobia.

No, I don't want to commit to you. Why can't you be the problem? Why am I the problem? Be someone I want to commit to. But do you have a hard and fast rule about not wanting to commit? I don't. That's sort of what's happened.

I think there's a confluence of things. I grew up around a lot of acrimonious divorce. So as soon as things started getting hard, I kind of go like, why, we're dying. We don't have to do this. Like we don't have to put ourselves in a cage here and do this. If this is bringing out the worst version of me

or there's something about me you don't like, I think I really tend to go, this is something I'm willing to change about myself. This is something I'm not. And I just go like, because if I do change for you, or I'll be pretending and then I'll not right you know and I just go like because if I do change for you or I'll be pretending and then I'll just resent you anyway and then I'll be so true and then I'm fake so I'm big on just going like look like

we're all looking for a needle in a needle stack and I think most people aren't a match like what are the chances that we would have found our sort of perfect match by now I also think it's like you know this whole forever thing was marriage was invented when our life expectancy was what 20 I don't even sort of perfect match by now. I also think it's like, you know, this whole forever thing was, marriage was invented when our life expectancy was what, 20? I don't even think it worked then. Yeah, well it was like a landsharing scam, right? It was about titles.

I mean, I used to say when people would say, my relatives, I think they were befuddled. But I remember saying this when I was young and I thought it was very funny. I'm like, why aren't you married, Billy? And I'd be like, well, I can't because I must form an alliance with France. And they would be like.

I can't find anyone in LA with any land. Like what are you talking about? Well, unless I marry the Duke of Boryone's daughter, our countries will sadly be at war. Yeah, yeah. And they would just look at me like, I don't want to waste a marriage if we're not going to merge empires.

Billy's trying to be a comedian. But also I do think though, some of the anti-marriage sentiment might be a little bit elitist, because I do know people that are like, ah, if I marry, I get to are like, ah, if I'm married, I get to live in a house, if I'm single, I have to live in an apartment.

And it's not about gold diggers or anything like that, it's about just going like, you know, we save money on taxes, there's lots of incentives, we get health insurance. It's very easy for us to sit here in our Hollywood, wherever we are. Hollywood museum with a stripper pole. Right.

And a chair hanging from the ceiling. What's that one? Oh, that's Timothy Leary signed that chair. He burned a hole in it and then he signed it. So it's an art piece now. I could probably sell it, but I would never. Never. What is the most valuable like sentimentally piece

you have in here of all this paraphernalia? Yeah. I don't know. Besides the toilet paper, I just flushed. I never really thought about that. It's all this stuff that didn't fit in a real house. You know, I kind of like it more. I kind of like this place more because it can't be ruined. It can't be destroyed.

I mean, look at it. Yeah. It's like, you know, you can party here and not, I don't like, you know, I don't like highfalutin parties. You don't like having to, I don't like to go to someone's house where it feels like a museum where you can't enjoy yourself or your word,

you're gonna break something. I mean, I had a birthday party here on the 19th of January, just like 20 people, close friends, at the best time. And the next night I went to, I guess I can say, a Jeff Bezos' party, which was like, you know, the most A-list of A-list people there. I was very flattered to be invited,

but I had a better time at my party. No, that's because I don't know those people as well. But I mean, I like a down and dirty party and a down at my party. No, that's because I don't know those people as well. But I mean, I like a down and dirty party and a down and dirty room. So Bezos, so you... So how much longer is Lauren Sanchez in there? Do I have a job? I didn't see them at their own party.

But I got there late, I guess. You've interacted with him? Yes. When you meet him. They could not be more engaging. I mean, personally, I mean, obviously he's a political figure now because he's the richest man, right? And owns the Washington Post and like, you know, labor issues.

I mean, I've criticized them for environmental issues. Sure. That's my big issue with Amazon. It's like, nobody talks about it. The amount of garbage you create by sending your pants back and forth eight times to the ... I'll get a pen? One pen. It'll come in nine layers of plastic, a bag and a box. That's a bad whole thing. I mean, I feel like that. I've done a couple of things on it, but I never hear anybody else like, isn't that like the main environmental problem we have?

Well, yeah, but it's also, it's like, well, then I'd have to drive 20 minutes to write it. I guess we're just going to have to feel up. Right, no, no. I mean, like, it's, I'm not saying he's evil for, I mean, he's obviously a genius who figure out a weight. I mean, come on, to sell everything to everybody? Mm-hmm, everything. Everything, like over 20 million products they have. Everything to everybody. I mean, you know.

It is tricky though because like they have a, you know, they make television and movies and stuff now and it's kind of hard as someone that makes television to be in business with them, because whenever they give a creative note, I'm like, you guys are a grocery store. Like, don't try to give me a note on comedy. But as a person, what I like so much about him

is that no pretense, very up, very high, just like high energy, happy, obviously in love with this girl. That is not a fake of any kind. No. you know, very up, you know, very high, just like high energy, happy, obviously in love with this girl. That is not a fake of any kind. No. And like, looks in the eye, you know, like some people at that level,

you never, you don't feel like they're really tracking what you're saying. They're like kind of in their own world. Sure, sure. And this guy, like, no, I mean, I have a conversation with him, he hears me, and, you know, loves new ideas, you know, he's one of with him. He hears me and loves new ideas. He's one of those kind of like nerdy guys who are like,

oh, I gotta write that down. That's a great thing. I mean, people like that are engaging. I was curious when you meet someone who's built this giant empire and you're like, I get it. There's something different about you than everybody else. And like, what is that thing? Well, he just, I mean, that was the business genius

of seeing where the world was going. Mm-hmm. You know, I mean, to me, the most prescient thing anybody ever said was Andy Warhol, everyone's gonna be famous for 15 minutes. I mean, we were on The Tonight Show once together. Together, yes, we were. Remember that?

That was a lot, yep. Oh, yeah, that was a thing. I mean, we were on The Tonight Show once together. Together, yes, we were. Remember that? That was a lot, yep. Oh, yeah, that was a thing. I do remember that. Yeah, but that was our, and that was Jay Leno. I worked at Johnny Carson. You're too young for that, but in that era, I mean, there was Johnny Carson and whatever sacrificial lamb was going up against him.

That's who talked to people. Now, podcasts are like, I don't know how these, I mean, I guess I do, they do funny good professional shows, Jimmy and Jimmy. But like, as far as just talking to somebody, that used to be something we thought only a couple of people in the world can do. That's right, that's right.

Otherwise we're gonna be, get 10 people that type you script what you say, puppets. Well, Alan Thicke tried to defeat Johnny Carson, but once again, there's only one person who can talk to people, Johnny Carson. And now it's like everybody. Can talk to everybody. And there's, you know.

Isn't it wild that we used to sort of prepare seven minutes? Oh, so we, and we prepare, I mean, was it seven? I thought it was six. It was like, yeah, I mean, it was, you know, and then you'd have the second segment and you'd have eight minutes to get everything and you need to say for the year. It was so nerve-wracking.

Now I'm like, I'm out of things to say. Wasn't that show nerve-wracking? Like what you just said, like, you have'm like, I'm out of things to say. Wasn't that show nerve-wracking? Like what you just said, like to have to like, you know, get it to the, you know, work on your set and you're, and then try to make it, if you're sitting, make it sound conversational and knowing that, yeah, it was a high wire act in that you could, I mean, certainly I knew comics who like bombed like the first

time and then never recovered, career-wise, ever. And it's tricky because I always felt like I needed to make a choice when I went out there, which was always like, you know, maybe this was more so with Letterman and there felt like such a big difference between Letterman and Leno, which is sort of an interesting dichotomy in terms of as a performer, but you had to go, do I want to make the audience laugh, or do I want to make you laugh? And making a comic laugh is sometimes a little bit different than making an audience laugh.

So I'd sort of go out there and be like, I got to get this laugh, but then like Letterman, it was always like, he was hard to crack a little bit. So I'd be like, you know what, if I don't get them on this, at least he's laughing. And then they'll know it's funny because he's laughing. Some hosts, I feel like, lose credibility on the laughing thing because they laugh at everything.

I don't think Letterman really did. Not Letterman and not Carson. That's why you could achieve both those things by making Johnny laugh. If Johnny laughed, the audience was like, well, fuck, that must be me. It must be me. It must be me, I must be done. It must be me.

Johnny loves it, I fucking love it, because I love Johnny and Johnny's the man. So I think I would go in that direction, but... Like right now... If you laugh at everything, if you're just a giggle box, like some hosts just are. I know it's about daytime. Lots of.

And don't you think some of them laugh harder at things that aren't funny just to make the person feel confident? I feel like it. You're like, why is Jared Butler killing? Right. With Jay Leno. Like I was definitely funnier than that. It's Jared.

Like why are you being hard on me? What a perfect name for that joke. What a perfect, perfect name. Jared Butler, right. Like that story about doing perfect, perfect name, Gerard Butler Wright. Like that story about doing pranks on set, you know that was a dog shit story. That's hysterical. Yeah, but you're gonna give me a hard time

and make me sweat it out. Oh, I remember backstage and you'd hear the band when you were about to go on. And just that kind of that forties, you know, like I felt like I was shipping off to Pearl Harbor the next day. It was stressful. It's always like half debutant ball

because every, you know, as a comic, like you're in the clubs, you know how to make people laugh, you know how to sort of like, you know, do what you do. But no one prepares you for the walk from the curtain to the couch, where you're like, do I do a funny walk? Oh, you for the walk from the curtain to the couch where you're like, do I do a funny walk?

Oh, no. It took me so long to not be like, I need to like do a funny walk, like air guns or something. It was like, I remember there's always a dude who pulled the curtain for you. And you just felt like they were shooting you out of a cannon, you know? But you always had to pretend the audience was a surprise.

You'd be like, what? Yeah. Like there's no funny way to walk to the count. It's just an audience, but I felt like a- That walk takes forever. It just felt like the bull in the bullfighting ring. Yeah. It just was like-

It's kind of it. But the sound of that band, again, that if it had been a different, more modern band, but that journey, I'm telling you, I felt like I was- There's such a thing as a modern band. 1941. Yeah, I'm telling you, I felt like I was. There's such a thing as a modern band. 1941. Yeah, it's always like a, brrr, really. Is that a recorder?

Like, is that, are those the symbols one person just holding the symbols on one finger? Arriving in Pearl on December 6th, how you build? I suggest sleep late the next day. It's a Sunday, I'm sure nothing will be going on. It's also, and then it's like you spend so much time getting great as a standup, and then you're sitting on a couch, I mean,

not to go like, being a female comic's different, but I'm like, I should wear a skirt, and then I'm just spending all this time trying to not share and stone the audience. And I'm, you know, so I'm kind of just like being awkward. You're right. Tougher for you. I mean, no, I wouldn't-

No, it is. It is. There's a, there's a's another level that you have to consider that I never did. They're gonna pick on physical stuff more. Like, and part, look, a lot of that comes from women. That's how boys said women hate each other. So, you know, a man walks.

I hate myself. That's how much women hate women. No, you don't. But a man walks in I hate myself. That's how much women hate women. No, you don't. But a man walks in a room, we don't even see him. Women, it's just, a woman walks in and it's just, you know, well, who she thinks she is? What am I meant by that? You know, it's like, there's always this picky and it's this natural instinct to pick, pick, pick.

I think we're kind of wired for that, yeah. You had to deal with that. And I didn't. I mean, I, you know, wore a little monkey suit from the young comic days. Some of my wardrobes are cringy, but it was the 80s for fuck's sake. Oh, I think it's also, it's like you wanna dress nice and presentable.

I think there's this trend now where comedians just, like Adam Sandler gets to dress like that. You guys can't all just wear gym shorts on stage. You know, it's like the hoodies and the- Why would you want to? It's just like, thereler gets to dress like that. You guys can't all just wear gym shorts on stage. You know, it's like the hoodies and the- Why would you want to? It's just like, there's a like, you know, I remember being at the comedy store on New Year's Eve. I normally will do, I know you do big New Year's shows,

you know, a theater or something, but I was just at the comedy store and there are these people, they're dressed up, they're in their sequin dresses and they're in their suits and these comedies just one by one are coming out in hoodies, T-shirts and they're- That's horrible. And it's one by one are coming out in hoodies really shirts and they're like you guys pull it to get this is New Year's Eve it's New Year's Eve guys you know and I just remember like

these people have bought tickets 3 months ago they dressed up this is the special night you know it's and you're just like looking at a notebook in your sweatpants you know so I always do try to you know really dress up but sometimes I think when you wear a dress or wearing heels as a woman, you might come off bitchy. What did you wear that night? We were on together.

You want to dress? I always had a rule that I would wear like the Michelle Obama-ish, those dresses that would go right under your knee. But you're showing leg. Yes. I was not. Yes. I would try.

But it was also so annoying because you'd have to do this weird cross. Right. And you'd have to lean forward. And then it just looked like I was trying to show, I would try. But it was also so annoying because you'd have to do this weird cross. Right. And you'd have to lean forward. And then it just looked like I was trying to show the host my tits. It took me a while, because otherwise you're here. It's kind of a nightmare, frankly.

I know, I'm trying to be sympathetic to that. Yeah, you can't do this. I get it. I never had to think about any of that. And then I started just wearing pants and then like a blouse. No, and also, you want to be pretty because you are so like why hide that and also it's also an asset in show

business. But then you know want to be too pretty because you know want to get make the women who are not that pretty mad at you because they have an LA 6 we're good. We're not that. I did a whole thing once when Amy Schumer put out that movie. It was good. I feel pretty.

Yeah, and they just, the woke assholes just shit all over it. Because Amy wasn't, they thought she was the, they were saying she was too blonde and beautiful and not, like, and her whole act is like not that. Right. Like her whole act is kind of a throwback to. Yes, like she's basically an erectile. She's not a terrible looking person.

No, no. She's perfectly handsome woman, but you know, Phyllis Diller wasn't that ugly. Carol Burnett wasn't ugly. That's what they did in those days. I mean, compared to Margot Robbie, we're all pigs. So I think it's like what the, you know, I think it's all, that's all relative,

but it is fascinating that. But they just, they do look for that. They are looking to find something to pick. Sure, always. Especially with a woman. So. It's interesting. Yeah, I mean, it's, I kind of never want to play the,

it's harder to be a woman card because also I do find that stand up, even though there's so many less female comedians for, I think, a litany of reasons, it is in a lot of ways has a lot of stereotypical female qualities. It's like you're complaining. What does? You know, doing stand up.

You know? Really? Yeah, you know, you're emotional, you're sensitive, you're complaining about your marriage, you're complaining about how hard it is. You know, it's kind of- You're talking. That's our thing.

Talking. That's our thing. Women are talking. Okay, yes. You're rambling on and on. You're right. And then we think we deserve to get paid. Women are talker. Okay, yes. Rambling on and on. And then we think we deserve to get paid for what we're saying. You know, and so I think, you know,

although there's less women, it is, that's our thing. You know, complaining in front of everybody. Right, I never thought of it that way. Dagging and calling people out on how ugly their clothes are. That's special you did. It was like, I'm your girlfriend? That was great.

Thank you. The one I always quote and I always love, you should do it, tell me what the specifics is, I fuck it up. But it's about, I don't know why it comes up, but it does, because it always reminds me of that bit you do about, you were in love with this guy, you wanted of his baby, and then he tripped over a flagstone.

Oh, God. And you were like, and it's like, it's so lizard brain true. So, tell me the story, the real story. The real story is, so it's about sort of our primordial reptilian brain. And sort of the older I get, the more I've just surrendered to there is just certain ways we're wired as humans,

whether it's to be pugnacious about politics or sports or be tribal or be turned on by a certain thing in bed or who we're attracted to. You can talk all day about you should be attracted to this person. You should want to be with this person, but we're animals. Exactly.

And so there's certain things, biology is sexist, full stop. And so I was dating this guy who I was very into. And I like a very dominant man anyway. Like I like a dominant. You need one. I like a toxic masculinity is my kink. So I'm trying to cancel it.

Well, I can't see somebody who was passing out some weak shit even lasting a day with you. You need somebody pretty strong. I am into that. Yeah. I'm into that. Because you're a woman. Because you're very strong, but to be in that woman mode,

which is sort of your lizard brain of having somebody dominate you, I mean, like, you know, sex is a little male dominant usually, not in a horrible way, but like, that's, you know, that's the biology. Yep. So you need somebody, okay, so you're, you know, what is it?

So it's my professional life, I'm a boss, I have employ, you know, I sort of, I sort of- But was this guy dominant? Was he- He was dominant. Until he tripped. And I guess there was a time where guys were wearing like lace up boots for him. I don't know, it was like a booty of some sort.

And I knew when we were leaving the hotel room, I was like, this is bad, this booty is bad news. Like, this butt. Really? I already, this booty- Like there was foreshadowing? Well, there was like a lace up, I just was like, this is like, there was foreshadowing. Well, there was like a lace half. I just was like, this is not,

that was already bumming me out. And I was like, I can get past the boot. And then we are walking through, I guess, like near Chinatown when there's those like cobblestones and he just tripped, didn't fall, but you know those trips that go on for like a while? Right. And it's almost worse when you catch your stuff.

It'd be better if you fell, frankly, like hard. He kind of just like went on forever and tried not to fall. And I just instantly fell out of love with him. And it wasn't, I wasn't a choice. I would love to be with him to this day. It just gets it's, it's just like so right to the truth. What's the female equivalent? Like when we burn the casserole?

Like what would make you just, from a primordial perspective? That's a great question. I have to actually think about that. Like an instant turnoff. Like a mustache? Ooh, like in the lighting you see like a mustache? Well, certainly that is a different category.

You know, in certain lighting you just like see. That happened to me once. Facial hair. I could tell you a story about that. Of course, nipple hair. No, but the fate that that happened. What is it? I'll tell you in a minute.

Please tell us about this trans prostitute. I will, I will. It was 1988. But first, your question. I think one thing that certainly does that is weakness. Like if guys do things like, the girl breaks up with them or they break up and then he wants her back and she's not going for it,

so like he has his mother call her. Things like that that are like, or he cries. Like if you think that you can get a girl back with sympathy, with being weak, with being pity me, I'm gonna kill myself if you don't. Or that is like the automatic, now you turn, it's like, it's one thing if the pilot light is still on, I always say, like that turns the pilot light off.

Now you cannot relight this furnace. No, if you wanna get me back, that's- Fuck me over a grain of stone. Like don't, like you can cry once when your mother dies. Yeah. Don't cry. I mean, and I'm not a crier anyway, except like in movies. Even if you do cry and I,

do you really want me to pity you? I think conflating love and pity I see a lot of people in relationships doing this. I've done it before too. Look, I'm not saying be fake strong But you know if you're not strong in Certain ways and I'm not like I'm no Marine. Hmm. Okay But you're pretty tough. But yeah, you know just normal American lucky guy never had to go to war tough. Don't fucking cry about your problems. Don't bitch about them. Take care of your...

Unless a person can actually help you with a problem. I mostly have not... And women have complained about this because women always want you. They're a little like the Godfather. He wants you to owe them. They want you to bring their, your sorrows and so you get deeper and more intimate. You know what I mean?

That's what women mostly want. It's like, tell me more. And you can never communicate enough. No, I don't wanna know anything about you. What? You're a different breed. I would like you to remain a stranger for as long as we're together.

Wow, let's see. Look at me, I have to tell you what women are like. I think we have, I think it's important to maintain a little mystery. I think that one of the biggest mistakes we make, I made a movie about, based on a book called The Female Brain Hot Take, I believe in gender, and canceled.

But I think one of the biggest mistakes I see people making is like your boyfriend is not your girlfriend. And we try to make our, when people are like, I just, I wanna marry my best friend. I'm like, well, that's gay. You're gay, why? We're not friends. We are not friends.

We're not homies. I'm not gonna tell you anything I think on a daily. I don't wanna know what you're thinking. What are you thinking about? Please don't tell me, because I know it's someone else and I've accepted that. So I think that a daily, I don't want to know what you're thinking, what are you thinking about? Please don't tell me, because I know it's someone else and I've accepted that, you know? So I think that a lot of people are just not

in radical acceptance of our nature, and I think if you want the kind of man that's gonna be dominant, you're not gonna be able to spend 30 minutes talking about, like Lindsay's wedding shower. You can't have, you don't get to have both, you have to pick one. I couldn't agree more.

And you have plenty. So I really work hard to it. I feel very lucky because we have this ecosystem of like comic friends and I try to keep my friends, my friends and then my man is my man. No, I resent anyone who judges and of course you get judged a lot if you're as old as I am and never got married and also like don't,

what they would call age appropriate dating. It's like, fuck you. I don't tell you who you should be attracted to. Like everything in culture is, sex, romance culture is, I was born this way. Exactly, great, I'm behind that. You were, exactly, you were born this way. This is what my truth is.

This is what, it's like, what about my truth? That's your truth then, yeah. That's my truth. I was born this way. This is what my truth is. This is what I, it's like, what about my truth? That's your truth then, yeah. That's my truth. That's, I was born this way. Also, I mean, the age thing, I mean. By the way, most men are attracted to younger women. Yeah. It's like, again, the lizard brain. Yes.

This one will be good mate to make healthy child. That's it. Yes, yes, yes. Again, I can't control that any more than you can control puking when your boyfriend slipped on their cobblestone. Yeah, but I mean, but also we don't spend any time talking about a lot of women are attracted to older men.

And that's always, has always sort of been my thing. And I love, I wanna just, we should just, can we start a podcast called, It Was A Different Time? Because I find myself always going, it was a different time. It was a different time. When I was 16, I dated a guy who was like 30 and like that wasn't weird.

And when you grow up without money, your parents encourage it. Like you need someone to pick you up from school. You like need someone to get groceries. Like it's not weird. And also like, yeah, I look back and I'm like, yeah that guy was kind of a creep, but so was I. I was creep too.

I was preying on him in a lot of ways, you know? And I was using him and it was, you know, was I conscious enough or old enough to make that decision for myself? I don't know. I mean, my mom's argument, what I talked to her about it later, she was like, I was way more worried about you dating guys your age, you know?

Because they're smoking weed and driving drunk and you know, so it's a nightmare for anyone to date anyone, let's be honest, at any age, but I do find it. Well, especially at the young, and those young, I mean, we're talking about teenage, early 20 years, I feel women had all the advantage at that time.

First of all, I didn't know enough to know how to deal with them, all this stuff we were talking about before, the stupid mistakes you make. Not just if you were lucky enough to finally have a girlfriend, but just trying to get one. It was just, you're at the horniest time in your life with the least ability, at least for me.

I think kids got more sophisticated in general in that way, but I think still think, you know, it's still, of course you can see this with the porn and everything else. Most men, young men, they're fucking frustrated and horny, just like I was most of the time. Because why would a 21-year-old woman want to be with a 21 year old guy who's an idiot and has no money and no food in the house. Comes in two seconds. Doesn't matter. Right, she can be with a guy who's 35,

who's still in prime of his life. Yeah. But he's got a car. Who has a globe. I learned about the world. Yes. You know, like I actually argue that I'm smarter and more interesting because I dated older guys back then.

Of course you are. Of course. You know what I mean? I dated a guy who had a Wendy's franchise. He had a Wendy's. What do you mean? I just mean I learned how to like run a business. I would like go with him.

Oh, I see. I would like go with him to his work, you know, whereas like most people my age were just like smoking pot and you know, playing video games. You were in high school? Yeah. You were in high school when you were going up. How old was he?

Oh, it's like 30 maybe. I was trafficked. I'm coming forward. I need help. Was he really the owner or was he just the original manager? Honestly, I'm not even clear that he worked there. I didn't do anything about it. I just loved it.

You went back to your 16-year-old self, where that was a big flex. It was by the way it really was. He had an ultima. You're a guy, had a Wendy's brand. When you first said, I thought he owned the whole Wendy's thing. You're like, oh, the guy who owns Wendy's. Yeah, he's got to be a billionaire. No, no, he's just got the one franchise. He did make me fuck him with pigtails.

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By the way, I just would like to say that I'm terrified to be here, I'm I'm actually pretty doing great, I'm pretty terrified of you really yeah, you know, it's right at all having a good time, I've all I'm having a great time and I can shot and you're doing without drugs without drugs. Without drugs. You don't do drugs. You know what? We had a good run with the drugs.

So I had never really done much. Me too. I grew up in an alcohol calm and I was always like the sober driver. I always went the other way with everything. I was actually like way too abstemious frankly. And I was never the person that could go on stage and drink.

And I was like, I work at night. I feel like I'm a girl. I gotta work twice as hard to get half as far. I gotta be good. I cannot screw up. Can't be sloppy. And then I wanna say a year and a half ago, I decided, why don't I start smoking weed?

I can chill out a little bit. I'm a little neurotic. I'm a little high strung. Yeah. California weed's wild. So whereas a lot of people just relax, I started looking for the Scientology ships. I scheduled a call with the Maritime lawyer

to try to find Shelley Ms. Kavage. I mean, I think I just, it picks. How did we get to Scientology? I smoked weed. Did I just? What did I say? Did I miss did I miss, did they edit this? Are we editing before we even, we don't edit this show, do we?

We just jumped universes. Yeah, there was like a jump cut and I think we're in live TV right now. Not that this is TV. So I just am saying I get like manic and want to start solving like crimes. Oh, I see. Oh, I see.

When I smoke weed. Well, that's probably why true crime podcasts are so popular among women. Why are they? That's a great question. Well, I think it's like, isn't it the biological basis for why we rubber neck when we drive by an accident and like have to look?

Why women? Why is the true crime podcast? It's where the most murdered isn't in our way of like studying and like studying up on, you know, the fact that we're prey. Well, you're the most murder. I wouldn't say the most murdered. No, I'm kidding.

Yeah, we are. We're the most. I'm kidding, I love it. Annoying, so how could we not be? I surround myself with women. I think, yeah. It's easier, it's better, it's funner. Yeah, that's what I hear.

They're nicer. Can I ask you a question now? Prettier. When all that, like me too stuff started happening, there were less people were hiring women. It actually seemed like it backfired in a lot of ways. Like in terms of people were scared to hire women. Yeah.

Did you feel like, you know, I know people that started making offices that were like glass, you know? And I just feel like it made the guys that didn't behave like that, like extra sort of scared. And I just feel like it made the guys that didn't behave like that, like extra sort of scared. The only hiring I do at my show is writers. That's my domain. And I think right around that time, I added two women,

so it couldn't have been on my mind. And all the other hiring, I have no idea. My Sheila has done that for me forever. I don't wanna be a part of it and it's good that I'm not. Well, I have no idea. My, Sheila has done that for me for ever. I don't wanna be a part of it and it's good that I'm not. Like have your holiday parties changed or you're like, we're not hugging anymore? No. No, first of all, it's a cool group.

We're a very cool group. I mean, on this subject, which I think you're getting to, I am paranoid about hiring. That's one reason I don't want to be part of it, because with the way people are now, especially the younger generations, like we're a happy group and we have been for a very long time and we function really well together.

It's amazing how many people are there for over 20 years. Cool. People don't want to leave. We're okay. And all it takes is one stupid fucking Uberwoke. Dork. Person who thinks they're a social justice warrior,

but they just want to stir up shit. I got in trouble for saying Merry Christmas on the set of Roseanne. That kind of shit. Somebody like that on the set could be poisonous. It used to be the other way who was poisonous. Maybe the most conservative person. Now it's this dipshit.

So like. I find it's always someone that's a trust fund kid, an only child or anyone from San Francisco. Of course. Well, I mean, it's, you know, I think it's spreading, unfortunately. Because I have now with hiring, there's a couple of questions I ask,

which is, did you play team sports? I think team sports players tend to be a little better, you know? Can you ask that? Yeah, so like, oh, did you play any sports in school? Tell me about high school, you know? I'm surprised there isn't a log in. You grew up on a farm.

Interesting. If someone accuses me, I can just accuse them of raping me. So I have some leverage. If someone, like what, but he raped me. Oh, you don't believe women? I don't know if we wanna put but he raped me. You don't believe women. If we want to put this in the book. We want this in writing I mean this is more of a.

Outside the meeting kind of a thing. OK and then did you go about a farm like people that worked on farms they're just like I think better with teamwork, they're more humble and then people that didn't grow up with money people to grow. I mean you certainly couldn't grow up with money. People that grew up with money. I mean, you certainly couldn't say in an interview what religion are you. You could not say that.

I find it interesting that you can say, did you grow up on a farm? Or like, tell me about your upbringing. Like, do you have animals? Do you have someone that you believe? I'm surprised you can ask anything because somebody will connect it. Somebody will say, farm, what were you implying?

That's, they'll find a way know, they'll find a way to, they will find a way to, I can't even imagine how, but they will find a way to connect that, or did you play sports back to racism? But I think, oh, interesting. Yeah, they will, what are you saying? You're right, you obviously didn't. Yeah, shit like that.

I mean, they will just, they just are looking to start shit. But also if they do, I'm at the point where I go, you know what, come at me, because when this story is relayed, you will look ridiculous. I think most people are reasonable. I think we hear from the fringes the most. Like when HR called me to tell me I was in trouble

for saying Merry Christmas, they were like, hey, so like they thought it was ridiculous too. And I confronted the person, and I basically was like, you're dangerous to everybody in this office. I mean, that's a good story, and I'm glad it came out that way for you, but I am not as sanguine as you are

about the idea that the ridiculous don't have fans, the other people who are ridiculous. Yeah. And ridiculous stuff does land sometimes. But with ridiculous people that we don't want anyway, right? Like, here's the problem with the ridiculous is that I've said this many times, no one ever gets in trouble for being too woke.

You can't get canceled for being too woke. You can't get canceled for saying. But isn't canceled a good thing at this point? Doesn't it just help you? I sure have. Name one person that's been canceled and it's actually hurt them. You know?

I can name 50, Roseanne. Let's go. Okay. Al Franken. Are you serious? I did work on that show. I did work on that show. I did work on that show.

Of course it's hard to. I'm talking about comedians. I think for the most part it gives you publicity and then if you're able to stay stay funny and it works for you. It depends, Louis C.K. Cause also Roseanne was on the ABC show, that was Disney. It's different than being like a YouTube standout. Louis C.K. has to release his movies like on the internet

as opposed to where he might be with studios. Woody Allen can't get a movie made. Aziz Ansari lost a couple of years. I know Chris hardwick. I know him romantically and I know as a person he doesn't seem like the of a bad guy and the the but the Chris hard work thing was I mean incredibly ridiculous like even when you read that statement I we have the same management happen to know the kind of money and deals that were lost.

Of course. No, I agree with you. I was just defending that how ridiculous that was. I guess, this is the difference. Are you gonna be losing network stuff? Yes, losing network stuff, I think always. But I think the people like a Shane Gillis or something who was fired from SNL.

Yeah, they're okay. And he then became a giant arena act. I think if you're a standup comedian, I should be more specific. I think it kind of helps you, because people go, I wanna know what this guy's gonna say. Let's just agree it can work both ways.

It really, so if you wanna take that, if you wanna flip that coin, because it is a coin flip, because none of this stuff ever makes sense. It's never logical. But I think if dicks are are out or if it's like race that's going to be a little bit different than go like being weird in a meeting or asking somebody if they've you know

played sports or something like that because I think this. Yeah, I'm just saying that we live in this world where it's kind of like we made society all of society a courtroom where they used to always say it's not what's true in a courtroom it's what you can prove what you can get a lawyer to convince people of sure and I feel like that's what cancel culture is the people really believe some of this shit that they believe alfrank is a monster who shouldn't be in the Senate.

I love Frank and but it would just it's just too hard to stand up and go no I'm I'm with Al Franken. You're with the person who touched the woman's back. And you know, so it's just easier to go, path of least resistance. I don't want to like, I feel bad for you Al or whoever it is, I'd like to stand up for you, but then I'm the one who they're gonna yell at me too.

I don't want to be yelled at either. So it's a lot of that. So you don't really know which thing. I always say it's like the angel of death passes over certain houses. That was Passover, you know? The Jew holiday, Passover. Like that's what they put the Mizzuzza on the door.

The tunnels? No, the tunnels. That's what's going on now. The New York tunnels? Now this is like, now this is like ancient Bible times. You know how Jewish people have a Mazusa on this side of the door? Okay, that was from, I forget the story in the Bible, but the angel of death, they wanted to have a way for the angel of death who was spreading a proper propo to his titled death, pass over their houses.

They wouldn't kill them. Sure. That's what Passover means. Pass over my house and don't kill me. Sure. Some people live in that house. Sure. Charlie Sheen lives in a huge mansion called Passover.

They just, whatever he does, they just pass over. And God bless him. Unreal. I mean like. See that's my thing about like, do people really get canceled? I see what you're saying, but I think that someone like Louis CK who's selling out Madison Square Garden five, six times, it's like he was doing like a tiny FX show that was winning awards. I think it, I think it helped his, it probably helped his personal appearance and his touring.

Yeah. But he, but it hurt him in movies where I think he would rather be. Oh, really? Yeah. I think it hurt him in a business where most he would rather be. Oh really? Yeah. I think it hurt him in a business where most people have a lot of skeletons and they have to sort of sacrifice somebody so that they have some ostensible self-righteousness. It's like Disney's like, you're canceled. It's like, well, you guys have dicks in your cartoon, so let's all just calm down.

Right. I mean, the castles are made of dicks. So this is not something you worry about. See, it's easier. It's better to be a woman. It's always better to, whatever. Well, of course, the worst thing you can be for cancel friendly is me.

White, male, over 60. Unmarried. Heterosexual, unmarried. I'm like, I'm over five. I'm like, everything. No, I always say it, like, I better be good because they're trying to get rid of me. Who's they?

Dorks. Yeah, but Dorks have power. I mean, why are we giving them more power than they deserve them? Well, who's we? We're not. Okay. But other people are.

Because I do feel like, you know, the people that are, the, you know, whining woke Dorks are fringe, and those are the people that are gonna the whining woke dorks are fringe, and those are the people that are gonna have the loudest voices on Twitter, but then all the reasonable people. But they do get people fired and off shows, and preventing them from having deals and contracts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, look, Woody Allen, I would say two out of three of his movies are horrible. Can I tell, okay, I'm so glad we could admit this. But the one out of three. I don't think he's that fun. I mean, I don't think his movie's about funny, and I think he just makes too many of them.

He makes exactly. To me, that's also part and parcel of being an artist. Sure. That's what an artist does. No, he's a funny kind of a person because he's, on one hand, an artist. On the other hand, he's like Mr. Clockwork. He should be working at the government patent office,

because he does. He did for like 50 years, two movies every year. We would shoot them in the spring and the fall. I would write them in the winter and the summer. And one out of three or four was good. And it was the, but you can't make that many movies without repeating the same themes over and over. And some of them are so unwatchable, but he still should be able to make a movie.

Is it's like this is just the biggest witch hunt of a non-story. I think also, and this goes back to my, what we were talking about before with Dominant Man, I don't like to watch men be weak. And that's always been my problem with Woody Allen. I'm like, you're scared of a lobster? Like pull it together, dude.

Like I think there's, it's just kind of like. Well, that's a common. But you're now Woody Allen, like get it together. You know when he was playing that, what you're describing here, that guy, the lobster beginning, you know who he was doing by his own admission, he wrote about this, Bob Hope. He grew up on Bob Hope, you know,

and Bob Hope, who by the time I was even a kid seeing him on TV, he thought he was corny and crappy, but he did when I went back and saw, when he was young and did those road movies, there was some charm there and some funny stuff. He had a funny kind of, he was the coward character, coward and you know, a little bit of a, he was skeevy and Bing Crosby was like,

you know, the ladies man and he always, and that was a funny duo. I mean, now that men actually wear v-necks and have man buns, it doesn't hold up as well. Back then, when men were probably more men, it was refreshing to see a vulnerable man who was insecure. But I think now that guys now will be like, can I kiss you? And you're like, what?

Well, the coward character is funny. It's funny to be a coward. Yes. But now that everyone's a coward, maybe it just doesn't feel as sexy. Right, and no. You know what I'm saying? Well, it was never sexy, that was the joke.

Bing was the sexy one. Bing was the sexy one who got the girls. And he was the schemer and the coward. I'm always fascinated though by his movies. Like the wardrobe for women is always wild. You know, like in Annie Hall, like why is Diane Keaton a trans man?

She just- She always hurt you. I know, I think it's kind of fascinating. And then in every other movie, the women just dress like Jane Goodall. They're in like cargo shorts and like brown tank tops. You're right. I know. What is that about?

I've always thought it was weird. The only sexy outfits were really Scarlett Johansson and Matchpoint. She, I don't mean she can make anything sexy, but she's in cargo shorts. She's dressed like Laura Dern in Jurassic Park. Whatty Allen had an unconcealable boner for her. Yeah, no shit.

He could not conceal. It is so obvious that in all his movies, he's like, I gotta work with Penelope Cruz and Charlie Johansson. Let's go to Barcelona. No, just Scarlett Johansson. Okay. I mean, how could you not?

And if you read his book, did you read his book? Sethers? No, no, no, no. The one he put out just a few years ago, his life story, you would love it, I think. It's so fantastic. It's called Apropos of Nothing. Of Nothing, yes, okay, okay.

It was some, I think the publisher dumped it because of, again, is this America where we get, no it's not. Okay. You know, two police investigations, it just, it decries credibility that a 57 year old man would suddenly take up child molesting. It's just not something that,

in a house with a bunch of other adults in the middle of a divorce proceeding, he just isn't that guy. But don't you think a lot of times and I don't know the answer to this I don't know you know I don't not weighing in on the okay, but the don't you think sometimes when something happens that people are mad at you about but they can't get you and then another

thing happens they'll blow that one up so exactly and marrying the daughter that's what it wasn't illegal exactly to everybody out right and then as soon as he did it. Exactly because that thing before was weird and Mia Farrow knew that. I think you know. But exactly one once he was a creep for yes doing something that well I'll just quote Sunyi, it's a

little offbeat. That's what she said. That's what, I love that, I love that. She's like, you know, everyone knows going nuts about this. Yeah, it's a little offbeat, but fuck, I mean, love is love. Sure, sure. You know, you should be happy when you find it. And of course, does he not get anything from standing the test of time?

They've been together 30 years. Totally. to save stable children you know any point well he works with Scarlett Johansson all the time he can I mean I don't think he would be but he has a screen crush but he didn't see he did seem to be particularly like I cannot hide what a hard on I have for this chick but it's I mean yeah, that is tricky because I think you go, oh, he knew her when she was young, you know, but I also think like, you know, I think it's good, forget his case.

I think it's good that there's a little more awareness about pedophilia these days. I think there wasn't enough focus on it for a while and maybe there's now, you know, people. But I'm not sure she was literally, I mean, legally underage at the time. She was close. I don't remember the exact specifics.

I think when people are Asian, we just assume. Let's be honest. Like, she's 12. She's 46. Like, okay, but the way they got, first of all, he knew her, yes, he was at the dinner table. He never lived with me a fair. We never lived with that thing.

He was never their father. They didn't see him that way. Okay, so, well, that's true. He never lived with me a failure. He never lived with that thing. He was never their father. They didn't see him that way. Okay, so, well that's true. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Okay, all right. So then like one night, like, he goes to every Nick game,

huge Nick fan, floor seats, Nick. He said, and again, this is why some of his movies probably suck, he has said in interviews, like, if I think I could get a better shot, a better second or third take, but the Nick game is starting, I'll go to the Nick game. Okay.

All right. I like that. But it's a little fuck you to the audience. Okay, it's like, I could make this great for you, but you know what? It's honestly, when I watch his movies, I'm like, I feel like this was for you. I feel like this was like a play made for you.

It may be more for my generation. But like, Blue Jasmine obsessed. Incredible. So that was great. Loved Blue Jasmine. Love, love, love. I also liked that he put dice in it and showed that dice is an amazing act.

Right, that's that one. Yeah, that was, yeah. It was amazing in it. Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Medium. It's February, and if you didn't have a date this Valentine's Day, you need you didn't have a date this Valentine's Day, you need to step up your game and make your business do better. It's

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True Detective is back, deep in the Alaskan Arctic. Two detectives are in search of answers regarding a group of missing scientists. On the official True Detective Night Country podcast from HBO, unpack each episode of True Detective After It Ares, with perspectives from the cast and crew including Jody Foster and Kaylee Reis. Listen to the True Detective Night Country podcast wherever you get your podcast. Stream the HBO original True Detective Night Country exclusively on Max. Okay, I'll be at the Hobby Center

for the Performing Arts in Houston on March 2nd and on March 3rd, Performing Arts Center El Paso, Texas. And on March 23rd, the Jackie Gleason Theater in Miami. Come out and see me, you'll laugh your ass off. You know, it used to be completely acceptable in movies, punching a and see me, you'll laugh your ass off. You know what used to be completely acceptable in movies punching a woman in the face? I don't mean from a hundred years ago. Listen, I was just watching The Verdict.

You know the movie? I don't remember it. Great movie. Probably around when you were born, 1982. That's when I was born. Perfect, it's your birth movie. David Mamet, the brilliant David Mamet. I mean, nobody writes a screenplay like him.

Paul Newman, Paul Newman got his victory lap from that movie. He'd already been a big star for a long time, but I remember a cover, a time magazine, it was just like his big fucking, hey, we've loved you all these years, you're the greatest Paul Newman. And then he just became salad dressing guy. Yeah, well, you know.

Good for him. Good for him because you can't, he got out at the right time. Okay, so in the movie, Paul Newman is a down on his luck lawyer, you should see it, it's great. The other law firm turns out the girl that Paul Newman has been fucking, she's a plant from the other law firm.

Yeah, to get information. So he's very mad at her. He doesn't- Trust these hos. And he just walks into this place where she's waiting for him to have a drink. And just in the face. This is 1982, 1990.

She at least Russian? No. 1990, the movie, oh, I can't remember the name, Richard Gere and Andy Garcia. It's great, Internal Affairs, cop movie, really good. And Andy Garcia, pah, she's his wife in a restaurant when she's, and James Bond. Okay, this is going back with 1969, I think.

Was it Sean Connery? No, on Her Majesty's Secret Service, the guy who had a cup of coffee in the franchise, George Lazenby, and Dianna Rigg wants to go on the mission with him, but it's too dangerous. She's arguing, so he punches her in the face, just to shut her up so he can get out the door and go on the mission by himself.

That's so amazing about this. I'm just saying. When you see in the movie, it's one second, right? And it's just a quick scene, move on. We've made movies. This is a script that's been around for years. They had to bring in a stunt coordinator. They had to practice this stunt for days.

They had to shoot 50 tapes from 50 angles. Like they had many times to rethink this. Like 200 people were sitting around like, yeah, this is working. Like we really. That's so great. That's exactly the point I'm always trying to make. Everybody was looking at it, was appart it to it, and nobody thought it was wrong.

I do this theme all the time. You know, slavery in the Bible, million rules against it, none of them are, just don't do it. Well, it's like in Justin Trudeau, that black face, many people were involved. He had no friends. No one was like, are you sure? Right.

They were putting it on his hands. Everybody thought it was cool. Yeah. So if everybody did, it just can't pick like that. Like I'm obsessed with when people say like, is Hollywood creepy? I'm like, you mean the business that was built on the back of a four year old toddler

named Shirley Temple? Yeah, it's a spooky business. I don't know if you've rewatched a Shirley Temple movie lately. I wouldn't say the business was built on her back. And why did they abuse her? I mean, when you watch these movies, have you seen... I've never seen a Shirley Temple. That's a good thing.

That's a good thing. Right, good answer. I was not interested. Well, first of all, if some younger people even know who we're talking about, she was a child star of the 30s. Is that probably, yeah? Yeah. But she's a sexy, they're teaching,

I mean, she's like twerking on these men. She's always at war. Twerking? Dude, she's always at war on a ship with a bunch of men. There's no mom in sight. There's no like babysitter or aunt. Right, she was, it was a adorable, what?

I don't know what. See? She's dimples and she's like in these little outfits, like, like, good ship. I don't think they saw anything perverted about it. This was the 1930s. If you watch Good Ship Lollipop. Good Ship Lollipop, OK. She's licking lollipops on top of like sea men, right?

Sea men. She's dancing on them. There's 50 men on this ship. Really? Yes, they're holding her, holding or passing around and at the end They take a cake and they they put the cake in her face and she has like icing on her face I have to watch no it's bonkers and watching it I'm like so there was no woman on set that was like

Oh She her costume is like a little skirt and then her little diaper shows. And she's again like four. Like she's very young. So that means if she's shooting the movie before, that means she got cast at like two. Well, or six. Because she's probably playing younger.

She can't finish this one. She looks four. I'm six. I can play four. I can play four. Really, give me a chance. Just let me read. You'll a chance. Just let me read. You'll think of.

Just give me some of those Mary Jane's. So yeah, so if she was cast, if she was shooting at six, that means she was cast for the movie at like four. Because you have to understand, there's rehearsals, there's costume fittings. But she was a big star for. Someone said make the skirt shorter.

Okay. She was a big star. You're right, she was a big star. Like, again, I'm. She was a big star. You're right, she was a big star. Like, again, I'm- She was like there, she was the Marilyn Monroe of the 30s. She was, no, no, no, no. She was, I'm telling you. She was the dog-a-doh.

No one in that era, I mean, you're right. There may have been- It was Sophia Margarara of the 30s. They thought that she was the, most Americans thought she was the most wholesome thing in the world. you're right. There may have been. Sophia Barbarra of the 30s. They thought that she was the most Americans, thought she was the most wholesome thing in the world. You're right. There were, I'm sure, many perverts who got off on. Would you go to a movie starring a four-year-old who

was tap dancing? Yes. That's, again, what's the name of the show you want to do? It was a different time. It was a different time? I was 16. It was a different time in the 1930s. Have you ever been entertained by a four-year-old? Like have you ever genuinely been like this is great dancing? No, but I don't

like children. I've never been around children. I'm never around children. It's the one consistent thing in my life. Didn't want them. Didn't like them when I was one. Don't like them now. Never got married, never wanted it. Okay, so, but people do love children. That's like the most universal thing. They fucking love children. You know how I know they love children? Even fucking celebrities do it.

Even celebrities have children. Like you'd think I'm a celebrity. What do I need that for? But like even they do it. Yeah, I could have a giraffe. That's how I know that it's a powerful thing that most people like to have. You can have them their own. Yes. I don't a giraffe that's how I know yeah that it's a powerful thing that most people. They're all I don't like other people's children. I think if

you like other people's children to people like all children just that we're yes if you're Michael Jackson, it's weird. It's not weird, it's not it's what normal not the one thing is better, but it's like that is more than or we are not the norm. Just as far as numbers we are not the norm. Just as far as numbers, we are not the norm. The norm is a baby comes out and nine out of 10 people be like, Oh, great. Look at that. A baby. We're like, I don't think that thing with it.

10 fucking feet of me. I swear to God. I think most people aren't like, Oh, like I want to watch that toddler act for an hour and a half. It's one thing. They're like, that's so cute. But like, they do. I want to watch that toddler act for an hour and a half. It's one thing to be like, that's so cute. But like, I do. They think it's adorable. They're not going to go to a movie? Whitney.

Imagine getting in a car, putting pants on, going to watch a child dance for an hour and 40 minutes. You could redo Shirley Temple today and make it a hit again. It's universal. It's timeless. People love children. They think small children are adorable. In the way I see every dog and I go,

hello animal, and I wanna just talk to it and pet it. And I just wanna get to know every dog I see on the street. Sure, sure. Okay. And that's what they people are with children. I think, however, I find it very weird. Like that, remember the Sound of Freedom movie that came out and it was all about the sex trafficking stuff.

Okay. Okay, big, big, huge, huge movie. It was like kind of fishy because Hollywood distributors wouldn't pick it up, but then we found out later that the guy that it was based on, he was kind of a con artist, but you know, it was about raising awareness about child trafficking internationally, sex trafficking. Couldn't be a more important issue.

Not sure if a movie or raising awareness is really gonna do anything about it, but still. It was massively popular. People should be aware of that. Massively popular. And of course it needs to happen. Very glad the movie was made, but I was kind of like, isn't it a little weird that a movie

about objectifying kids, cast kids to play the sex trafficked kids in the movie? Like what does that audition look like? When and how else could you do it? CGI, midgets, I don't know. Something else? Puppets. Anything else?

Acclamation. I don't know. Like I feel like we have the tech. Team America puppets. Don't you just find it weird that child labor is outlawed, yet Hollywood uses child actor? I think child acting is just odd. Well prostitution is outlawed, but if you do it in front of a camera, you're a porn

star. It's the same thing. You're being paid to fuck. Sure. But we're filming it, so now, you know... Also, like, acting on the street without a camera also probably outlawed. Loitering, I mean, doing anything on the street.

Doing any job on the street without a camera is gonna be weird. Any performing on the street. I don't think people like Mimes on the street either. Jugglers. What were we talking about? Kids being cast. Kids. I don't think kids? Kids being cast. Kids.

I don't think kids should be in movies. Wait, wait, Shirley Temple. I'm telling you, most of America went to see that and thought it was just adorable and delightful. In the 30s. Innocent, and you're right. That's when kids worked in factories, though. We now know they have like minds and memories and shouldn't wear makeup.

Didn't Jean Benet Ramsey fix this? Exactly. I don't, I think we're weird about child pageants. Did she wear makeup, Shirley Temple? She wore blackface in a movie. Like Jean... That's different. Trudeau level. Right. I know. Up to the lash line. Right. But that's not makeup. Back then I knew shoe polish. I know, but it's not... It's a different thing. You have to wear makeup even when you don't wear makeup.

Even worse. Yeah. So Shirley Temple wasn't wearing makeup, it's fine. In one, she's doing blackface, in the other, I'm saying did they put makeup to make her look sexy? Like, they did. Yeah, she was a sexy bae, she was a star. Well then I'm gonna watch those moments.

What do you mean? There's a movie of her in a diaper and another four-year-old dressed in a brothel as like horse, a moon horse. Have you seen all our movies? Oh, I've read pedophile. What do you watch them on YouTube? Well, no, I've started just because I've sort of been

doing forensics on child acting in movies because I think it's kind of a horror show and while that we do this, I got kind of obsessed with the Britney Spears thing and how we sort of like watch these children get publicly super famous. And no one feels bad for someone that's famous, even though it is pretty traumatizing on the psyche.

And usually doesn't end well for people. Well, you know, they really treated Judy Garland bad. I don't know a lot about that. Judy Garland. Oh, oh, oh, in the Wizard of Oz. Speaking of getting obsessed. Well, I mean, she was a child star, but she was like, unlike Shirley Temple, I mean, I certainly hope nobody abused Shirley Temple.

And by the way, she grew up to be a Congressperson, Shirley Temple Black. So I don't think- But she did go crazy. I don't feel like- She thought she could make an impact in government. I don't feel like she presented herself as a traumatized person,

but Judy Garland certainly was, but Judy Garland was older and like in a more like, in that era, like the studio heads fucked everybody. Well, you know she got molested by the midgets on Wizard of Oz. This is true. Really? Yeah.

Molested by the midgets? They were like drunks. Oh, right. They would go up her skirt. Right. And then the director slapped her once because she couldn't stop laughing. The Wizard of Oz was a very fraught production. I would go up her skirt. Right. And then the director slapped her once because she couldn't stop laughing. She was like.

The Wizard of Oz was a very fraught production. I'm really obsessed with this. You know that the first witch had to get leave because the paint that they put burned her skin. Oh, right. Mm-hmm. The green. Yep, and then the guy that had the,

not the cowardly lion, the one that had the strings on his face, the scarecrow, like left permanent scars on his face. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, they didn't really. I think that man has black. We have to do to get the shot has black long. God forbid you were an animal.

Bad. I mean I've today still like the oh no animals were harmed in the making like really anytime there were an animal. Bad. I mean, I've heard today still like the, oh, no animals were harmed in the making. I'm like, really? Anytime there's an animal there. How did you get that horse to fall like that? Yeah, oh, God, I don't. This is actually my off-camera big cause. Me too.

Really? Yeah, and it's the one thing I can't physically make myself watch is animal cruelty. Like, I never would see, I love Steven Spielberg, I would never see C. Biscuit. I'm not gonna watch him, we'll be about a horse. Okay, so I'm a horse, I rescue horses. Oh, you do?

Yeah, that's my thing. Wow. Yeah. Rescue horse. And then during the Woolsey fires, I went up to rescue the giraffe Stanley, that's up in Malibu Safari, which was the giraffe from the hangover

that they say is retired and it's not. So I got very into this sort of... Tired. Yeah, just into this... Into the... Remaction. Who gets to have exotic animals. How many parts are there?

It's Hollywood, he was too old. And started showing... You stuck your neck out for him. Yeah, exactly. I did. And so I got very into that because there's a lot of animals that used to be in movies and now that it's gone out of vogue

to have animals in movies for a million reasons, there's all these animals that are really expensive to keep. So what people end up doing is like, assholes like Dan Bilzerian and stuff and these like dickhead billionaires will rent animals for private parties and stuff. So they're actually being abused even more now in a lot of ways because they have to find ways

to keep making money for them. Am I just losing, the man are just turning off your podcast right now. No, why? There's a female comedian lecturing about animals. Oh no, I'm so on the page with you. In fact, I'll tell you a funny story. I was at, very, very dear friend of mine,

one of the great guys in this town and he, but this is before he, I already won. Before he had his, you know, now he's lives in a nice mansion but he was like still in an apartment but he was a player already and he had this great party with all these stars and it was like a theme party but he like I guess it was I don't know but there was a fucking camel in the lobby of the apartment building.

And I said to him like, it's what? Was it Egyptian? No. Oh, that wasn't his car? No, it was just like a theme. And then there was a tiger, like, out on his, Not sad. on his porch, like his deck.

I'm like, you know what, this would make sense a little, not really, but if we had to, if you lived in some big three acre place, you were what, this would make sense a little, not really, but if we had to. If you lived in some big three acre place, you were in an apartment building, and you got a camel in the lobby. So like, I'm going around, and I can't stand that these animals are here. And I'm kind of like whispering in the ear

of all these people, some of whom were rather well known, about do you really think it's cool that they're torturing these animals? And eventually he comes over and he says, you're right, everybody's complaining I'm going to send the animals home. And just then our old Schwarzenegger walks in and he goes, I want to see the tiger! Can I tell you, do you ever get an offer in this business that makes you question your worth very deeply?

Like, I remember when I got offered Dancing with the Stars, I was like, it's over, you know what I mean? It's like, it should be, just like, oh, that's so nice that they thought of me, I'm just gonna pass, but instead I was like, I get to do it, I go to law school, I do what I do. And I remember getting a call. That's a huge show.

Yeah, but it felt like at the time, like, oh, this is like the end of your career, which it's not the case anymore, but I just, you know. I mean, yes, you could look at it that way, but I don't think, I think it's just more like, I think you should look at that positively, like you're enough of a household name of a draw, you know, of someone who, a broad swath of America,

because that is a broad swath kind of show. Sure, sure. And attractive and like, yeah, I would not poo that. It's like, you know, I got a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Is it kind of douchey? Yeah, but like. No, that's huge. That's massive. Oh, please, you could buy them. I mean, it's covered in a homeless man's ship right now.

And you could buy them, I think. Oh really? I think, I don't know, I probably, they'll probably hate me for saying this, but I feel like I've heard that. I don't, look, this is not fact, it's what I've heard. And also, you do see some names who are just completely. I agree, agree.

Who's Herb Winston? Yeah, it's always Herb. I think he's a guy who had a T-Brand or something. Yeah, it is pretty. But no, many of them are, I mean, I was thrilled to get it and, if only my mom and dad could see it. But one time I was offered, what was it? What were we just talking about before?

I remember what it was. I get the call. This was a low point. But Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to talk to you about writing a movie. I'm like, the twins reboot? Wait. True lies. Arnold Schwarzenegger did?

Yeah, an agent called saying Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the movie is, what's the movie? It's a movie about his two mini horses that live in his house, whiskey and sugar plum or whatever the fuck. So we both have Arnold Schwarzenegger animal abuse stories. As by the way a political genius expert, like I just would have loved to have a camera on you

when Arnold Schwarzenegger won governor of California. I love Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm trying to get him on this. I can't get him any or I can't get him on real time. It breaks my heart because I'm such a big fan, not just of his movies, but like, I mean, come on, talk about the immigrant experience. He came here with nothing but a loincloth

and a jar of protein powder. The guy is an animal. It became the governor and the biggest star. I just think he's also politically very reasonable. He's a, you know, look, I remember him making that speech at one of the Republican conventions. Why am I a Republican? And it was like, it's not exactly my philosophy, but I got it. I'm an immigrant and I want to be in a place where you have total freedom and you can get

as high as you want and you have not too many taxes and like to stop my freedom from, and the things of this nature, you know, and I just thought, it's a good sale for what a Republican should be. We do need that in the, Republicans of course have gone crazy off the deep end,

so has the far left. And he was like that kind of old school, very reasonable, good on environmental issues, good on social issues. You know, he's a California Republican. I just don't remember seeing him a lot. I don't remember seeing a lot of speeches. I don't remember.

Yeah, well, you know. Maybe I was just not engaged at the time. I'm never engaged with what the governor of Mar-State is doing. It's kind of a mascot role. I mean, it's like, you know, if it's big news, I'll hear about it. I do feel like things were going better, though, when he was the governor. Well, he got rid of the context.

Like, what were his things? I mean, don't get me started on this, state. I mean, look, I can hear the rain pouring out there. I know. I love it. I do, too. But it is funny that, funny that for the longest time, we thought we would never have rain again, right?

Here we are. Right? You've lived here for a while. How long have you lived in California? I've been here about 20 years now. 20 years. OK, so this last drought era, where it never rained and everything was brown.

You felt so bad for the coyotes and anything trying to get any. And now, it's like really, you know, we're washing away and it's like great. It's great. We need to replace the groundwater. But this is where it gets dicey because now everything's gonna grow and get very lush. So next year there's gonna be a higher chance for fires

because it's gonna all dry up. So that's when things get dicey, but I was reading somewhere that every 20 years, there's a rain for 200 days and we're close to that. We're close. My first year living here, it rained every day for the first month. Whoa.

And I saw that again 10 years later in the 90s. I love that. So it can happen. And it did teach me, I mean, I was a little gloom and doomy about the never, because it was like, okay, I get it, it's dry here. But this is me, I mean, I was a little gloom and doomy about the never, because it was like, okay, I get it, it's dry here. But this is like, you know, that movie where Matthew McConaughey

has to figure out how we go to another planet because where everything is just dry. And if anybody could figure that out, it would be Matthew McConaughey. Anyway, but like, and then, and then it started to rain again. And it just made me think, maybe we do drive ourselves a little too crazy when we don't have to.

You know what I mean? Correct. Maybe we do Trump same thing. Now like I back off none about how much I hate him and don't want him in his office again. But you know, if he wins again, I can't go through the same kind of stress. And I just can't like ride with every bump in his road.

I just have to be like- It's gotta be a level of surrender. Either wake me when he does blow up the world. Yeah. You know? Do you think there's any version of Trump's reign being something that's gonna wake people up, or I mean, my thing is it's hard for me to talk about

politics until there's some kind of election reform, or like, why isn't voting a national holiday? Like, why isn't, you know, there's just certain things that it's like, is Trump the person to reveal all these things that need to be reformed? Is he gonna reveal the issues, the weaknesses in the system? Do you see any silver lining? It's funny, because that's one of his big selling points

and people love it and it was kind of clever. I mean, he was bragging at one of the debates where they tried to get him on, you don't pay any taxes, you're so rich. And he's like, you're right, I don't. Everybody else would have been, oh no, I mean, he was like, you're fucking right, I don't. You know what?

Because I'm smart. I know how to beat the system system because I'm in the system. So I'm the only one who can reform the system because I know the system and I beat it every time because I'm the smartest. And it's like, there was a kernel of truth in that. He does know the system. He is inside of it. He knows how to play that stupid game where the rich people do get to minimally stuff like

that. And of course, he didn't reform it. That was the bullshit part of it. But he, but something like that could, I mean, Franklin D. Roosevelt was a rich person. That was sort of his appeal, the Democratic Party. Like, you know, you're the, the Roosevelt's, you know, fucking rich as fuck. There's an excellent, I mean, the Rockofo, and the Rockofo, same thing, Nelson Rockofo and that family

when they got into politics, same thing, like I know it from the inside, and I'm rich, and I don't need anybody's money. Sure, sure, sure. I'm the one who can, Kennedy- Sure, so I'm not owed to anybody. I can help the poor people, because I don't need money for money.

And no lobbyists can't buy me, and corporations can't buy me. You know, there's an amazing documentary called Hillbilly that I think not enough people have seen that is about sort of why Trump got elected. I have family that comes from West Virginia. And basically when Hillary said, you know,

basket of deplorables, she talked about coal. And that same speech, she said, you know, we're going to move to clean energy. The coal miners did the best they could to keep the lights on, but we're going to move to clean energy. And then he put a hard hat on and he went to West Virginia. So, I mean, he at least is smart enough, he studied Berlusconi, he studied Stalin,

he studied all these people to know, poor people vote. And- You think Trump studied those people? Yeah. I don't. Really? I don't think he's ever studied anything. It's all completely instinctive.

He has notes in him that remind you of Stalin and Berlusconi and frankly, Hitler. Not Hitler, kill all the Jews, Hitler, but Hitler master politician, instinctive politician who was crazy, because Trump is crazy, not like clinically kind of crazy, but has that instinct for playing on people's sense of being wounded and being owed something and resentment, the politics of grievance. And Hitler did that too. I think he reads a lot of Robert Greene too. Like I think he said, but maybe anything. He does not read anything.

He hasn't studied any of all these theories. He's never plotting. What do you think about the syphilis theory? That he has syphilis? That he got syphilis in the 80s and apparently having syphilis for over 25 to 30 years. Why wouldn't he have treated it? Leads to, cause he's crazy,

that leads to a certain, that kind of fluffy hair, orange skin, erratic, irrational behavior. I mean, it's possible, but I can't believe somebody with his wealth and access to doctors would have let syphilis go untreated. I saw that picture of his doctor though. Remember he had a... Right, that's crazy guys. I feel like that guy might have missed it. Right. Yeah. You're right. Maybe that's his Achilles heel because he also had this other... I remember we quoted it once in an editorial, this lady, there isn't,

and you know, it just shows anybody can get an MD, some crazy lady he was listening to around the time he got COVID. Yeah. And she was like, I mean, she was way off into like, I think like something like Space Invader kind of stuff. So yeah, maybe he's just an eccentric

who doesn't go to a normal medical doctor. Remember how like Steve Jobs would only eat orange food or something and he wouldn't get his cancer treated, you know? Well he got, okay. Narcissism does wild things. That's not fair to Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs did make a critical error, which he ignored. By the way, I think I conflated him

with Billy Bob Thorne just now. No, no. Was it Billy Bob Thorne, the one that only eats orange food? I don't know. I don't remember what. I've never heard that, but it sounds like something that I could think of, 100 celebrities.

Yeah, oh. That would apply to. Okay, so, but Steve Jobs, there was some eccentricity in the medical. Well, Steve Jobs got pancreatic cancer, and he tried to handle it organically. I understand that because I primarily go to a holistic doctor.

I think you have to have a Western doctor and there's Western doctors who I also appreciate and use very much because you need both. But he took a hard, there's an impossible choice. There's a survival rate of pancreatic cancer is like super low. It's very low. So if you do what they normally do, which is, it's like, well, we don't know.

Plainly they don't know how to deal with it, Western medicine. Sure. So he was like, well, if that's a sure thing, I'm out. Why not try the other thing? I get really interested when some- But that didn't work either. I get interested when something

that works really well for somebody in their work or personal life. You know then is applied to another area of course the person who's like this is how phones should be and this is how you know he was such a perfectionist and you know he would drop the the first I was at the eye touch or whatever it was those tiny little things they would say this is the smallest we can get it and then he dropped it into a aquarium and then a little bubble came out and he went to get smaller there's air and there you know that kind

of mind yeah and then they stop production on everything that they were doing they're like well we've already made millions of these let's just release this right you know the next iteration will make smaller and he goes that's what other people would do that's not what we're going to do we're going to hold it for a year and wait and then when you get to his medical care. He's got the same whatever mentality makes him a genius in business is limiting in his personal life that I've seen guys who are like

geniuses in business this happens a lot who with women. We're like beyond our word. Yeah, retarded. You said it not me I did say retarded retarded. Yeah, it's a word you really need it's that it's I did say it. Retarded. Retarded. Yeah, it's a word you really need. I think we might have to claw that one back. I don't think it's left. It's not insulting. We're not insulting anybody.

It just is a language is a living... We're running out of problems as a society and we're making up fake ones, it seems like. That too. But language is a living, breathing organism. That's why Shakespeare is almost, you need a guidebook to read. When I was in school. There's too many words that aren't the same.

Teachers would say it. Of course, it's in movies. So it's like, so I think that when you get on the self righteous bullies, that's where I just go like, oh, this is the only way you could defeat me in anything. So this is what you're gonna use. Yeah, exactly. I'm not doing this, you fucking dork, play fair.

Cause everything that you're saying today is the right thing to say. In 10 years it's gonna be offensive. What were we talking about? Something was. We were at chief jobs. Oh, your friends that are business geniuses that are retarded women, are they single?

Oh, with women. I'm available, I like retarded women, are they single? Oh, women. I'm available. I like retarded men. As long as they don't trip and fall. As long as they're not clumsy, we're good. Can they walk down a street in New York without taking a dirt nap? But yeah, there is that for sure,

which is why I had asked about Bayes. Like you cannot believe how inept. Like, wow, you have this. It's so interesting about human beings. You could have this amazing aptitude in this other area. Super power that's a liability. And then, like, you see them just, they cannot talk to a girl, present themselves.

They just, yeah, I'm glad I wasn't a genius in anything so that I could like spread. I thought it'd be very hard to date you. I'd be intimidated to date you. I'd be intimidated to date you. I'd be afraid that you. Yeah, I'm a day at the beach. I mean, as long as you accept me, that's the thing. Is that women, it's like it's acceptance,

especially as you get older. I would say the two attributes I really prize in this period of my life, comfort and acceptance. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I backpacked through Europe when I was 21, but I'm right in different... But I find that you probably have very little patience for irrational behavior and so much love is irrational. Actually, I'm super...

I mean, look, I don't want to get too... I don't like to reveal too much. I do, let's go. But, you know, I would say, having, yes, we talked about this before, dated like in a way that was not age appropriate, you would be amazed at how much patience, like that is what brought out patience in me.

Like somebody who was like much younger than me, if they didn't understand something or know something, it was like, I completely understand that. There's no reason why you should and I'd be happy to help you understand that if you want me to, but I never pushed that on you. That was the Woody Allen character. Yeah, I want you to read these books.

The Shilpen Hollow way. It was like, I never wanted to be that guy. You know, who's like saying, you're not smart enough, you have to learn something. No, no, no, no. You know, I learned so much from people who are not age appropriate that I would never know about our culture.

Sure. Shit about the phones and slang and what people are doing. I mean, that's how I learned. Okay. And I want to learn. I don't want to be cut off from, but I'm not on social media.

Sure. You know, I don't see it on my phone. How do you meet women? Do people set you up? Well, that's not, we are not. We are not talking about that at all. There's no women in my life with me. I am dedicated to my mission is to heal America.

That takes all my energy and concentration. That's nice. You do have a mysteriousness about you. Good. But it's not negative in any way. It's very sophisticated. It's like, I feel like you take a lover. You know what I mean?

You're like Winston Churchill, just in a bathtub. Well, I hope I'm more appealing than Winston Churchill. I feel like they know the deal, you know the deal, and you're very adult and fair about it. I'm more romantic than that. Oh, nice. That track, that feels right. Yeah, but.

I feel like you don't make messes though. You just, you just. Correct, here's the thing. Don't lie to women. Can I tell you? Don't lie to women. They don't like it. I don't blame them for liking it.

I hate it also when people lie to me. Just don't lie to them in any way. And that can be lie by commission or lie by omission. Because you can lie by omission. That's right. Be honest with yourself. See, I went through phases. There was a time when I was still lying,

but it wasn't like outright lies. Well, if you're lying to yourself, is it a lie? An outright lie is, you know, a guy who's married, I'm not married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was never my lie. Okay, then there's the sly lie, which is like, you know, when I was maybe 25 or 30 and a girl would,

I was trying to fuck with saying that, you know, she likes kids, do you like kids? And I knew I hated kids, but I wouldn't say, oh no, I fucking hate kids, because I knew I'd never get anywhere with her. So I would be like, well, I'm not right now, but you know, maybe, you know, I don't know. Okay, and then there's be like, well, I'm not right now. But you know, maybe, you know, I don't know. Sounds whole hate. Okay.

And then there's just like, at a certain point, you don't lie. And it's really the way to go. Because that is the main thing that makes women mad at you is if you lie to them. And I don't blame them. And I think women are actually more reasonable than a lot of people. The people that I think are like women are nuts. I'm like, well, did you lie to them? Of course.

No, they really are reasonable. In general, I mean, there's certainly plenty of nuts. If you treat them in an adult way, I don't think you're even going to get to a point of relying to someone who's nuts. You probably wouldn't even let that, it get that far. I gotta tell you, you know, we all talk in the small community we're in and you know. I was heard not always but sometimes heard like oh Whitney you know she's kind of crazy. I couldn't find you more saying

talking I never really talk to you I couldn't find you more saying you seem to be completely like. find you more saying you seem to be completely. In charge of your ship. I would love to know the people who said that because I think that. I will prepare a list. I love I love a jarring compliment like that it's like you know everyone says you're an asshole.

I know not an asshole. It's just like like, not an asshole, just like the crazy girl. Like, you know when you- Like, it could be crazy. I think it's from things you yourself said. On stage? Probably, of course. Yeah. Okay.

I think I- Well, that's where it comes from. Okay, yeah. So be any female comedian is crazy, you know? It's like, I go to strangers for love. No, that's not true. Roseanne, that wasn't her thing. I don't think her. No one thinks she's crazy. No, that's not true. Rosanne, that wasn't her thing. No, no one thinks she's crazy.

I know she is, but I'm saying, but her theme wasn't, I'm crazy. Her theme was I'm a put-upon blue collar housewife. Right. That was her thing. And what choice do I have? And when I defend myself, I think we're also at a point where if you say something sane, you sound crazy.

And I think a lot of times in comedy, when you have boundaries or work hard, people think you're crazy. You know, like I always work really hard, I show up, I say hi to everybody, but I'm really usually not there to socialize for the most part. I'm really focusing on being on stage.

I like don't drink, I don't smoke weed at work. So I think people have always looked at me as this kind of like workaholic, super ambitious, sort of, and then I never dated a comedian. Like I kind of just had this Darwinian instinct that was like, do not piss where you eat. Very smart. Well, people are already saying that you're

Very smart. Sleeping with people and they're Very smart, because this, again, you'd be in such a no-win. First, I mean, if you fucked one, what's gonna happen if you break up? Then people are gonna start taking sides. Now you've started

a war. I'm already nervous enough in this hallway. And if you ever fuck two, then you're a slut who fucked everybody. Yeah, and then you'll die of AIDS. Right. That was very smart to keep that ledger clean. And who needs them? And it's like this isn't...

I'm sure there were better pickings, right? You dated some high profile people. I mean, I think for me, it was always just kind of like, this is hard enough, and this, I always saw it as a workplace. You know, I wouldn't get to see this person every night for the next 30 years, hopefully. You mean, because you still go to the club?

Yeah, yeah, this is the gym. This is, you know, I come here every night, so I'm gonna be seeing each other again. You do, you still do that? Still do, still do it. So many of you guys do that. I mean, I just don't get it. But I think that you doing your show is in a way

that's what you're doing. I don't have time. But that's what you're doing in a way. You have an audience and you're working on jokes and that's kind of your workout in a way. It's much more polished. But I think it's interesting because the part of the reason I still go to the clubs is something that I didn't

anticipate is, you know, because I think I can sometimes write at home of the reason I still go to the clubs is something that that I didn't anticipate is You know because I think I can sometimes write at home and go like this is gonna work like I have a general idea of what's gonna work And what's not gonna work But what sometimes I haven't updated my software on is how I'm perceived by the audience You know because I think the more successful you get the more known you get people see you as elite or they see you as rich Or they see you as successful so this joke you as successful. So this joke about like, you know, of the way you perceive yourself, that's funny because your perception

is gonna be a little bit incongruous with the audiences. And then it's like, oh, that kind of bombed. Oh, because they think that I'm, could have any man I want or whatever. You know what I mean? Or they're like, what do you mean when you were sitting in coach? Like you fly coach?

You were on Southwest. And then I'm like, why is this bombing? And someone will tell you, they'll be like, it just didn't occur to me that you fly coach, you are on Southwest, and then I'm like, why is this bombing? And someone will tell you, they'll be like, it just didn't occur to me that you fly Southwest. And so of course I do. So I think it's sometimes just making sure you're self aware. If that makes sense. It so makes sense.

Yeah, again, you have hurdles I have to, I don't have to think about. Okay, so who else called me crazy? I really like this. I honestly don't have to think about. Okay, so who else called me crazy? I really like this. I honestly can't think of anybody specifically. You just get a, you know, and I'm sure what, you think they don't have, you think I don't know what people are saying about me?

Of course I do. You know what's weird? And it's fine. You know what's weird? I don't, I've always been intimidated by you, but I don't, it's interesting. Where did that come from? Nowhere.

From what people say. It's just that, well no, it's I'm a fan and I've watched you and you're ferociously smart and you do this thing that when someone says something dumb, you cannot fake it. No. And you do this thing where you just go, where you'll just go, okay.

Like, you'll just like, it'll throw you and you'll decide in your head, it's not even worth arguing about this because I see you like deliberating and vacillating whether you should even retort it. And so you just go Okay, I should let it go more than I do because it'd probably be helpful in getting guest I love it because I think for you and I know you don't want to bring it up But in interview you did recently you were saying I think what smart people were thinking and I think if you weren't it would be like

Bill why are you doing this show or hanging out with somebody and you're being fake? I should that should be the whole show be like, Bill, why are you doing this show where you're hanging out with somebody and you're being fake? That should be the whole show. That should be all the show is saying what smart people are thinking. Saying what smart people are thinking. And that's what you're doing. It's almost like Mystery Science Theater.

Like I'm watching you sort of like narrate because I'm listening and it's almost like, you know when you're watching a horror movie and you're like, he's behind you. It's so frustrating to see the killer behind and the person doesn't know. And it's like, well, Bill, we're tuning in because he's our smartest friend.

And to watch someone else like swindle him mentally or get one over on him. What a great phrase. What's the point? Swindle him mentally. You can't hoodwink Bill. So it's funny to just watch someone try to make a point with you and you go, well, that's not true.

And I like it. There's a cring watch someone try to make a point with you and you go, well, that's not true. And I like it. There's a cringy awkwardness to it. Well, I mean, if Oma gets back to what we're saying about relationships and when make people manage you, just don't lie to me and I'll be the best host. But as soon as I smell your bullshit, then I'm going to stop the ferris wheel and make you get off and buy a cotton candy

and then tell you you're bullshit. Or I mean, I like these kind of guests. We had this, the governor of New Hampshire on Friday night and you know, happy warrior Republican can take a punch. You know, loves it when you just, a lot of them are like that, especially the Republicans. They do not, it's almost a badge of honor, like to get called on their shit because they're still sticking to it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So whatever bullshit he was saying, and after, he's like, I love it, you know. That's to me a great

guess because I can do that without worrying about like, you know, I don't want snowflakes. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. And so, you know, you're not gonna get everybody to come on a show like it. Certainly not most celebrities, not that we want most celebrities, because they're, they're- You get insane guests.

Too stupid to do it. You can do it. You're smart about this shit. What? Politics. My thing about politics is kind of, I mean, I grew up in DC, I grew up half in DC, like not being able to get home because Madeline Albright was, you know, like just, I went to school with like diplomats kids and lobbyists kids. Yeah, that's interesting.

So in a weird way, I kind of, you know, my mom, I went to both, I went to a lot of schools, got kicked out of a bunch of them. My mom did public relations for Neiman Marcus in DC. So like the diplomats wives would come in, you know, and I grew up in Neiman Marcus and in a Bloomingdale, she worked at department stores. So I would, you know, kind of see these people from the very early age as like human beings that were rude to the lady at the store, the rude to the girl in the makeup counter.

I'd go to a friend's house at school and the mom was a lobbyist who was a drunk you know I saw that like human being like bad parents and just shitty people so I kind of always you know had a bad taste in my mouth for politicians in general and never quite understood what kind of person wants that job you know well different types There are really sincere ones. They tend to be more Democrats.

I'm not just being biased. I think that's really true. Democrats are interested in the field of government, just like someone wants to be a cardiologist. And then don't you think sort of like any fields, you know, don't they say that at the top of any field, like 30% of people are sociopaths or something? Is it?

No, that would be insane, 30%. I think it's pretty high in like business. Well, refresh my memory on sociopath as opposed to psychopath. So apparently this is where I shine. This is, you know a lot about politics, I know a lot about mental disorders. And it used to be,

because also all these terms change every couple years, right? So I said multiple personality disorder the other day, you're not supposed to say that. And you're also not supposed to say spaz. I was calling myself a spaz. Can you say that? I'm sure, it's fine.

I can't spell it, but I can say it. And psychopath and sociopath, it used to be the main difference, was that a psychopath had an awareness that you were onto them, so they would overcompensate with grandiose gestures in some way, right? Whereas sociopaths just lack empathy and they don't really care

if you sort of know or not, right? Which one is Trump? He's all of them. He might be cluster B. I think there's something called cluster B, which is like borderline sociopathy and has like parasitic narcissism in it. I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

I can't stand to have these days people are like, he's a narcissist and he loved Bombed Man, he's toxic. And you're just like, okay, none of these are real terms. Like is this Instagram psychology? Have we ever been love bombed? I hopes, I mean, also girls are like, he loved Bombed Me and then psychology. Have we ever been lovebombed? I hope so. I mean, also, girls are like, he lovebombed me and then disappeared. I'm like, yeah, he met you.

He liked you in the beginning and then your personality revealed itself and then he left you. That's on you. You started to suck and he moved on to someone else. He's a narcissist. Oh, you're mad because he stopped taking photos of you in front of a wall of painted wings for your Instagram?

Who's the narcissist here? Like, what is this thing now when relationship goes bad, the other person is either a narcissist, toxic or love bombed? He broke up with you. So funny. It happens. Right. I want to tell you, he gaslit me.

No! What? He liked you and then he didn't. Like, he wanted to like you. You, like, I don't know what to tell you. You're right. I mean, I can't believe how well you're channeling the male. Sorry.

No, you are channeling the male point of view in a way I've not heard of women do. Well, I think you do something that I really appreciate, which is that you're like a liberal that calls out liberals. Oh, yeah. And I'm a woman that calls out women. Yes. Because I don't think it's fair to anyone to be like,

no, the girl in the Roselle Dayshirt knows what she's talking about. Right, no. You know, like she's a fucking mess, you're a mess. Right. You know, like I always say, like you guys think women are crazy, like we see the text messages she didn't send. No, no, I remember you mentioned the meat to

move in and I've probably been saying too much here, but I remember, okay, so this is 2017. Okay, so eight years ago, come on, give me a break. I was like, a completely different guy. But this completely. It was a different time. It was a different time. And this completely different guy.

Okay. Was going out with this, I was probably dating a lot at that moment, you know that's what I heard so it's like I was just amazed like I would say to some women who I knew at the time like we're younger. Harvey Weinstein they'll be like, who?

Wait, what? Wait, you were just taking out them and you just say his name? No, we would be talking. Oh. We're talking. I love to talk. And you would just bring up Harvey Weinstein?

Well, we talk about everything. A lot of people talk. Oh. You know, we're sitting at my bar in my living room, smoking a joint, having a drink, and talking. And what would they say about Harvey? Did they know? Well, that's the thing.

Like, first it was like, who's that? Oh, OK. Like, it was so not on their radar and so like something they didn't give a shit about. And then when I explained how he was, what he did, their reaction was always skepticism of the women. And I had to, like, And I had to explain to them, no sweetheart, I'm telling you, I get where you're coming from,

but no, this is really a bad dude. No, he really is a monster. Well, he didn't rape me, so it must not be true. And then they got it. And then it was like, oh, okay. I do honestly, if a guy wasn't a creep to me, I have a hard time believing he was a creep to anyone else, which is very messed up.

When someone's like, a Russell Brand was a creep, I'm like, I met him, he was fine. Right. I met him too when he was great. And if he didn't harass me, he must not, that's me? He was great. He didn't harass me?

Right. If he could resist around me, I'm pretty sure he could resist around you. It's just us calling the victims ugly. Women have egos too. I'm more than one time, not a lot more than one, but a few times I remember having a date with somebody and I wasn't feeling it.

So it was just fine. We just went through the night and then goodnight. And we kind of both knew I think at that moment that there wasn't fine. know, it was fine. There was an occultor. Yeah, there was, no. No, nobody liked that. I would never date anybody like that.

And then like I heard sometime later, them say that, oh yeah, we went out, but I dumped him or something. And it's like, no, you just, I did not want to date you after I went out with you once, but your ego had to say that you made the choice. Sure. You know, there's that too on the woman's side. Of course.

Which is fine. Of course. But I've heard that a couple of times. Yeah. Something I knew was a flat out lie. Yeah. Like how that ended and it was like, okay. Whatever you need to believe.

Right, if you need to believe that. You know what, Bill? What? Let her have it. Oh, okay. Whatever you need to believe. Right, if you need to believe that. You know what, Bill? What? Let her have it. Oh, I do. Let her have it. I totally am.

You get to live in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. I'm just saying, I'm making a point of it. Women have egos too. I'm trying to think if I have done that. I don't, yeah, I don't, it's tricky though, because it's like, you know, when you start dating someone, you're like, this is either gonna end or keep going.

Either way, this is a nightmare. Hot girls don't wanna fuck everybody, but they want to know that everybody wants to fuck them. Like, I've seen girls like, you know, just like, they will, there was an old actor on the hit, Sullivan Joe, the guy who spun the plates. And he would like, there'd be like eight plates.

And he'd have to keep going from one to the other to keep them all spinning on the end of these big poles. And I remember this girl who just like the improv and she would just like keep like eight guys around the room. All, she could go and give a guy like two minutes of her under-voted attention. Totally. And it would be like a, and then she'd go,

and then she'd go, and then she'd. And it's also tricky because you're like, oh my God, he wants to sleep with me. And you're like, but he also would like fuck a doll. You know what I mean? If that, like he would also like fucking a pillow. Of course, classic. You're not Jewish, right?

You know what? I am a quarter. Just found this out. Quarter, moms, dad, Texas Jew. So one of your grandparents. One of my grandparents. Yeah, Ashkenazi. Uh-oh, what happened?

No, I've just, I always thought it was amazing that Nazi is in Ashkenazi. What are the odds? Interesting. Like, it's complete coincidence that NAZI, where else do you see that? Except in Ashkenazi and Nazi. What does Nazi mean?

We don't say Ashkenazi. Say Ashkenazi. Right. Are the Nazis Nazis? No, it's completely coincidental. Nazi stands for a national socialist party, whatever it is in German. Of zany idiots?

Yeah, that's just how it treats you. Yeah. I love that if that just broke down to something super goofy. There's something wild that happens. I feel like the day you turn 40, you become obsessed with Hitler. That's what happened to me. I feel like the day you turn 40, you become obsessed with Hitler. That's what happened to me.

Oh, it happened long before that for me. Well, when I was, see, when I was a kid, I was a, I'm the child of World War II veterans. Whoa. And like in the 60s, mid-60s, when I'm a little kid, the television shows were about World War II. It was only 20 years old. It was still, It was still by far

the biggest thing that ever happened. And that generation was now, and they were like the millennials. Because they were kids when they were in the war in the 40s. Now it's the 60s. They're 40. Can you imagine this generation being drafted? No. And they're studying it. I mean, they can't survive a TikTok challenge. They're eating tide parts. and they're studying it. I mean, they can't survive a TikTok challenge. Right. They're eating tide parts. No.

Like. Well, the thing is that the military is a little different. There is always going to be people in this country, I hope, who are the military types. And I mean that in a really complimentary way. No, people who are, you know, same thing as in politics. There are people who do it for the right reasons. I mean, there are, after 9-11, plenty of people,

just guys who are just like, no, that's a bridge too far. And we need to kick somebody's ass. Yeah, fair. So there will still be military types, but yes, they need more than that. You can't just have, you need to, when the shit hits the fan, you need to like, like

sometimes draft people. And that kind of person who had to be drafted, no, that person is not going to survive the military. No. Or some will, maybe like, you know, two out of eight will. I could see that. But so you got obsessed with Hitler early. Well, because World War II was like the big thing.

That was Hogan T. Rose and it was McKellis Navy on the shows. That was Korea. Oh, what? That was later and about the Korean War. So, yes. So, like, and, you know, mom and dad were over there. My mother gave me a German bayonet that they had. That's not on the wall.

No. I think, I remember my father saying, we were going through some other shit like that that they had. Also, how did she give it to you like quickly? Well, that's the thing. I remember her, I'm very few memories of this early on, but I remember when I was seven,

I must have been aware of it because I wanted it badly. And I remember she said, you can have it when you're 13. And I remember she said, you can have it when you're 13. And I remember thinking at seven, I do remember this 13, you know, like, I'll never be 13. And it's interesting. I'll never get there. Right. I mean, when you're seven, you're like, why don't you tell me I'll get it when I'm a thousand. Yes, yes, yes. It is so wild. And now six years is like, you know, Nothing.

It'll go like, it'll be like in two seconds, I'll be six years older. That is so fascinating. And I hope you'll still be here. That is so crazy. But that is a kind of a suave and wrap up. Oh, are we, are we, well.

I was just getting, getting into this bayonet. Thanks for having me. I don't know how to, I don't know how to dismount this thing. I'm just more worried about spreading my legs for this camera. And we have bro hug. Oh, so we just, so we just have to go. Hey dude. Like ow.