Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 782: Lost Limbs and Shattered Salsa Jars

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at today that you're hearing. This is Thursday, August the first, but we're recording it Thursday, July the 25th.

Who knows what will happen? Cecil between now and then won't matter. Won't matter because we're doing a funny show and funny show. This is the goofy. This is not, but I just want to say if there's levity here, that's unwarranted. We don't know. Don't blame us. But you know, the thing is, according from the future, the thing is want to say if there's levity here that's unwarranted, we don't know. Don't blame us. But you know, the thing is, the thing is though, in the past couple of weeks, in the past couple of weeks, there is no reason for levity at all. So I mean, now it feels

like there might be. So who knows? Let's have some fun Cecil. This story comes from Fox, New York, shattered a salsa jar causes $20,000 in damages at Massachusetts pool. How many questions do you have right now? I'd tell you what, man, the amount of money to, I know that glass is dangerous in a pool, right? Because you can't see it. Right. You can't see it. But don't they have like those fucking Roombas that can go around there and suck all that shit up or what? Cecil, I love you, but you're way ahead of yourself right now. Who's eating salsa in a public pool, man.

I was thinking of one of those floaties with the bowl of chips and then it's got a thing for salsa right on it. You are a baller motherfucker. If you go to the goddamn municipal pool and you're like, bring me the goddamn Tostitos, bring me a fucking jar of salsa. You're walking around with your fucking sun hat on, getting your fucking sunburn on with a fucking jar. I'm not gonna stop gobbets of salsa falling into the water. This is more of like a, like an indoor pool too. So you've got to go spend a minute in that shitty shower

for a minute before you jump in. They won't let you jump in unless you shower first. You know how many public pools have this sign and they're like, you must take a freezing cold, horrible shower. The one that I grew up in, if you didn't come out wet, they would send you back in. Really? Yes, they would. The lifeguard would be like, Nope, get back in there, if you didn't come out wet, they would send you back in. Really?

Yes, they would. The lifeguards would be like, nope, get back in there. Your shorts aren't wet. I don't even understand why that is. Like what is happening? Are you to wash away your poops or something? Sarin or something? What is happening?

You've got to take a decon shower before you get in the chlorinated pool. It's like when you're a new fish in prison and they throw the D louse And then you cry yourself to sleep and then you get to go to sweat afterwards That is I haven't thought about that in years But I have fucking like I have walked past that and been like no because the first couple times cold It's so cool. It's like they set it to stun, dude. It's ridiculous. And it is like, I've taken so many cold showers in my life because I, not on purpose.

It's not cause I want to. You're not doing like the Wim Hof method shit. Like we're just like cold plunging yourself in your shower or whatever. Although all the athletes do that shit, I won't do that. That shit makes my heart stop. Let's pause it. Have you ever done a cold plunge or whatever. Although all the athletes do that shit, I won't do that. That shit makes my heart stop. Let's pause, have you ever done a cold plunge? So I have done, the only time I've ever done

what I would consider a cold plunge was when I did the Tough Mudder and I was like, I will never put my head under that cold water ever again as long as I live. The gym that I went to. Was ice water essentially. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Like I read a bunch of stuff and it's all very suspect about whether or not it actually

has any like real long lasting benefits. A lot of top athletes do do it. But I think that a lot of top athletes also wear like K-tape. Yeah, well a lot of top athletes, they fucking like knock twice on the fucking... You'll see the cupping... They have like special socks and stuff. You'll see the cupping shit on their arms. Oh yeah. There's a lot of junk science.

They do all kinds of that stuff. There's a lot of junk science and the bro science. But like I was kind of curious about the cold plunge and then I joined a gym maybe two years ago before I had the home gym at my new house. I joined a gym that had a cold plunge and I was like, okay, it's here, it's in the locker room. So I do my workout and everything,

but here's the shit part. Like you do your workout at a gym gym, and then by the time you're done with your workout, and then you walk and get your stuff, and you walk out of the fucking, and you go to the locker room, you're starting to cool down already. So it's not like you're like finished your workout

and you're fucking still smoking hot, like boiling sweat hot. You're starting to cool down, your heart rate's good. And then I would get in that cold plunge, and I would just sit there. I'd be like, okay, I'm just supposed to sit here for like. And then I would get in that cold plunge and I would just sit there. I'd be like, okay, I'm just supposed to sit here for like three minutes up to your neck in this cold plunge. I never got a fucking benefit whatsoever out of it

except for shivering. Except for being really cold. Just being like, yeah, this sucks. It's hard to breathe. When I was in Norway, we went to a spa and we were in a whirlpool and then you could go into a room with snow and ice, and it was minus some degrees in there,

and you could stand in there. And so I did that a couple of times. But again, it's just, I'm just really hot, and now I'm really cold, and it's weird, because my body doesn't know what to do, and then I just go jump back in the other thing. But another thing too, one of the reasons why I had all those cold showers,

because when I go to Pennsic every year, they wouldn't, for years and years and years and years, people didn't have their own shower. Now there's a bunch of solar showers and people bring propane tanks and they have their own like little shower. They build a wooden shower. Almost every camp has their own like wooden shower. But back in the day, when I was first going there, that was a novelty. Most people didn't bother to do that. They would just use the camp showers because they are, they were numerous, but after a big battle you'd come down and there'd be a line out the door and there's not a lick of hot water. So you'd go in there and you'd just be like, you'd have to psych yourself up.

You'd be like, all right, I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I'm going to go, I'm going to go. And then you jump out. It was the worst, dude. So bad. So bad. It's the worst. If that was the So bad. So bad. Fuck that. It's the worst.

If that was the price of admission to swim in the municipal pool. Oh my God. I would be like, yeah, I don't want to go swimming. I don't want anything that bad. As a kid though. Yeah, as a kid it didn't matter. But I will say this, like when I saw this, the amount of work they had to do is they had to drain the entire pool.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know how you get salsa. I mean, I figure there's an figure there is enough chlorine to beat salsa. I feel like there's, if you put them in a fight, there's gonna eventually be. Unless there's a lot of salsa. It's gotta be like a truckload of salsa. Something else just occurred to me.

Imagine a salsa jar right now. Picture the salsa jar. And you're in the pool, presumably, with the salsa, and then you drop it. How does the glass break? I think what happened is it broke on the side and it fell in the pool, presumably with the salsa and then you drop it. How does the glass break? I think what happened is it broke on the side and it fell in the pool like it slid. Like, you know, you're walking with it.

Okay, so you're walking around with your walking salsa. Yeah, you just walk in salsa. Yeah, okay. No, now it makes sense. You got your walking salsa. You're patrolling the pool edge with your walking salsa. There's a guy skipping tortilla chips across the pool. Someone on the other side just catching him. rolling the pool edge with your walking salsa. There's a guy skipping tortilla chips across the pool.

Someone on the other side just catching them. You gotta use the scoop ones, they catch air better. Oh, this is great. This is from techcrunch.com. Crowdstrike offers a $10 apology card to say sorry for the outage. Did you see how bad it fucked everything up? Like the world stopped. Yeah.

Like the world stopped. What about your business? Did your business? Totally fine. Yeah, we had no problems. I didn't even, it's funny. I didn't even know it was happening. And then we were recording Dear Old Dads and Eli was talking about it on the show.

And he's like, oh, I thought you guys would be screwed over. I'm like, no, we evidently don't use that. It's the one time we didn't get fucked Yeah, I think like some I think some banks might have used it But I think mostly what happened was is like the airlines and things They like sent that patch through and that fucked everything up and so like blue screen everything shit And they cancelled there's actually a visualization of all the flights across America And how it very much reminded me of how 9-eleven when 9-eleven happened and there's actually a visualization of all the flights across America and how

it very much reminded me of how 9-11 when 9-11 happened. And there's just like no flights. Like, well, then you see it start to see them like disappearing, slowly landing. Oh, yeah. Right. And then nothing comes back. And it's that's it. That's the end of the flying for today.

I did see a funny like meme or whatever it was that was like, Southwest flights were still able to go because they use ancient technology built by the Romans or some shit. It's like- They use an abacus and an old guy in one room. They don't assign seats, although I saw today that they're gonna start- I saw the same thing.

They're changing, they're gonna change their- I don't know how I feel about that as a person who has a lot of Southwest points and some affinity for that airline. I don't know how I feel about that. As a person who has a lot of Southwest points and some affinity for that airline. I don't know how I feel about that. Do you normally muscle yourself into there or do you get on like the premier boarding or whatever? I pay the extra like 15 bucks to get the like early board

or whatever and then that guarantees you a spot in A or B. And then I just do it for me. And then like, if like Haley and I are both flying, then I'll'll just put my bag there and we've never had a problem. We've always been able to sit together and get a, like I don't really care too much about the seat either. I just want to make sure she and I are sitting together on the airplane. I don't care front back. I'm never going to get the good seat. Like I'm never going to get the front, front, front seat. Or that or no. So from what I can get sometimes, but it's that it's the, it's the one where the emergency exit. Oh that, so front one I can get sometimes, but it's the one where the emergency exit.

Oh yeah, that's the one, somebody comes in and just tags that one right away. Yeah, that one's like immediate. So, but yeah, CrowdStrike's giving away a $10 oopsie pants gift certificate. We talked about this, and I don't remember what the story was, but we were talking about something like this a while back where we had said,

just don't do anything. Like, this is insulting, right? I forget what it was. Somebody gave a $5 gift card to something in the past and you and I were just like, just don't do anything. If you're gonna do, don't do anything. And then the worst part is, is that they send this money out. They say, yeah, hey, Uber Eats on us.

You get a late night snack or a coffee on us. We're so sorry for grounding all our air traffic in the United States. I know we stopped America. I realize that that's trillions of dollars that we wasted today, but we just wanted you to get a coffee. And then people went to go redeem them. And because there was so much traffic to redeem them, Uber eats like frozen their cows. So people were going and saying,

this is like fraudulent, it doesn't even work. Well, plus like, wasn't it something like 60 million computers were affected or something? I don't think everybody got a $10. I think they probably sent it to certain people, but not everybody. Right, because I was thinking about that too. It's like, I don't think you spent $600 million

at Uber Eats or whatever you'd have to do. Yeah, but if you have like two people or three people that are subscribed to your CloudStrike from that one particular work that are the people who handle that security protocol for your work or whatever. There was a woman who managed the company before I got there that had the job I have now. And she was notoriously cheap.

And like I heard stories about this exact thing she was notoriously cheap. And like, I heard stories about this exact thing where she would make the staff work. Like, you know, they'd be like, I need you to come in, work late, come in over the week. I need you to work Saturday and Sunday. We got to get this thing done. We're in the middle of this refi crunch. Going to need everybody to put in 70 hours, 80 hours this week. And her thank you would be like, seriously, like a $5 Starbucks card for people. I got you all five and she felt so magnanimous handing these things out. And it's exactly your point. Just don't say anything. Don't do it. Just say thank you and mean it. Don't do that's

a lot better than a fucking. Here's an insult. Cause it's a nothing. It's essentially a nothing. I'm going to say thank you and put my balls on your head. Even if it was a $20 gift card, it's still, it's, I mean, that's not even, it's not even what they're making per hour. So like, why would you do that? It's nothing. It's nothing. It's literally nothing.

So this story comes from Kyro7. Yikes. Human finger, I gotta read this whole article. Yeah, it's pretty short. Human finger found in Tacoma driveway, ID'd, returned to owner. Cecil. Hold on. who's knocking on your door? You're gonna be like, do you have nine fingers?

Is your name Count Rugen? You killed my father. It's just like, it's like the fucking count from Sesame Street, but he's only like, eight. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah! It's just screaming. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, It was in the air the entire fourth. It was spinning in orbit. And then it finally re-entered Earth's atmosphere on the fifth. I wonder how much of your job on July the fifth is just driving around, returning fingers like you're fucking...

I don't know how true this is. Finger dash. Grub nub. No, but I saw stub. But I saw, I saw fucking this. I don't know how true this is, right? Cause like you see things on the internet and somebody says, this is this. Right.

So you have to believe them. Cause I'm not a, I think a radiologist looks at the x-rays and shit. And they showed, here's a radiology of a night at the emergency room on July 4th, is what they said. So it's just images of hands. And it is so fucked up. But again, I don't know, it could be like, this is also the radiology of the people who work down by the fucking like Stamp factory or whatever you know it could be collected over the last 10 years. I don't know I have you have to trust what the poster says exactly right yeah, but if true right if true

holy shit, dude like Missing digits and crushed shit and the entire part of the middle of the hand is just like fucking like all the bones are in different places and like it's crazy. It's a horror show. And the thing is like you can tell just by looking at it you're like holy shit that's fucked up but it's also not gory because you're not looking at it like you're just like oh my god is that fucked up though. Yeah, that's fucking nuts and the worst part is they still waited six hours in the emergency room waiting room. I think they got their belts around it like a fucking tourniquet.

Tacoma Police Department officers responded to a report of a finger found in a driveway in the 800 block of South Pine. I also am not sure I'd call the police if I found a finger. Yeah, I don't know. I don't even know what I would do. I don't know what. Same thing. If I walked out of my driveway. First thing I'd do is look for a phone I could open. Wouldn't you be tempted to pick it up and point to things with it and have fun with it?

Like, like, like wake up your wife like by poking her with somebody like a finger. Put her on a necklace and be like, I can make as many wishes and then keep curling. Look, I'm just saying finders keepers. I feel like there's a lot of untapped fun in a random finger. Yeah, yeah. That's a that's a finding finger. That's not a returning finger. All right. In one of those claw games.

If you find enough of them, you've got all three. Oh God. Responded to report of a finger found in the driveway, the 800 block of who cares. According to a statement by someone that doesn't matter, that person provided an update in a statement to my Northwest Thursday that a person saw the story and called it Pierce County medical examiner's office, which had taken custody of the finger to claim the finger. What, what, what are you going to do have like a, like a, like a solemn burial, like a little hamster, like a little man's box, like one of those small shovels. This is my wife's favorite one.

You have to play like taps on a kazoo. You've flushed it down a tiny toilet. It gets stuck. You have to take a tiny plunger. The man identified himself by his surname and admitted to losing multiple digits, quote, messing around with some fireworks. Did they canvas the area? Just like three or four people trying to like recreate it. You see like a chalk line of like, there's like one over here, one over here.

You walk in, your hands all like fucking missing, multiple fingers. What I wonder is, did he find all the fingers? I don't know, Tom. I cut a tip of my finger off cooking this last, I think it was December. Maybe it was like the previous December actually. And I nipped the tip of my finger off, it was my thumb. And I had to sit in the ER for a while

until they finally saw me and they had to like bandage it multiple times. And when they bandaged it, they bandaged it so it was shit that stuck and they had to tear it off. It was fucking awful right hurt like a motherfucker I can't imagine what that feels like if you just don't have anything left like I mean I would hurt just a little bit of the tip was off and it hurt like a motherfucker I can't imagine be like yeah it's down to the

second knuckle like what the fuck it's a big enough deal to play just the tip It's a big enough deal to play just the tip. So this is, this gets even crazier. So Muse didn't provide the identity of the man who claimed the finger in the statement. It did explain the latent prints on the recovered finger correspond with the information. So they made this guy, this guy shows up with a hand full of bloated up finger missing parts. And he's like, I think that one might be mine. They're like, we gotta match it up. Dude, is there a line of other people?

Can you give me a favor and touch this black pen? I want one of your good ones. And then right in front of him, like right in front of his face, they take the dead finger and they're just like, rolling it. Yeah. I'm gonna roll this thing out real quick.

Like this has been a while. This is not a reattaching finger. No, this is just a sentimental finger. Again, maybe his wife wanted it. We've been through a lot. I've had it since I was a boy. This is, I finally grew it, this is one of my adult fingers.

I wasn't expecting to lose my baby fingers like this. It's like Deadpool, There's a tiny little Growing up. This is the best line of the whole thing Tacoma police said there was no blood around the finger and it appeared to have been Possibly left on the property by an animal perhaps a bird Some pigeon is flying around with your fucking hand or whatever It's flying around with your fucking hand or whatever It's like pizza rat the pigeon I like to think I like to think there's like a chipmunk stuff

He's got two fingers I can't believe he ate the whole thing. it's amazing, dude. God, it's so funny. America! Holy shit, dude. Oh, God. You got that fucking missing finger plays that Lee Greenwood song. Like that's just proud. There should be a green, a Fourth of July greeting card that comes with a finger. And an electric.

And it just never stops playing and you eventually have to throw it in the garbage in your garage. and an electric, darararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar And then I've got to wait for the kid to be done with it and take it out to the garage and throw it Screaming fucking banshee shriek in my garbage can and I didn't realize that I guess I hadn't seen one in a long time I'm also play for days I'm also really cheap and I only go to like fucking Walgreens to get people cards So I'm like whatever they have been like CVS and shit. Yeah, they have never seen one Yeah, wow, so stories from BBC, Australian surfer's leg washes up after shark attack. There's a lot of dismemberment this show, it turns out. There's a theme.

There's a theme. This guy's out surfing, shark comes up, great white shark comes up, noms his leg. Nips it at the butt. How fucking insulting that he spat it out. That's the thing I immediately thought was like, if you're gonna fucking bite off my goddamn gam, eat it! Eat the fucking leg, man!

It's like somebody taking the choicest piece of food at a potluck and leaving it on their plate. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You take the fucking good edge of the brownie and you're just like, nah. I nibbled on it. I don't want it. I don't want it, no. They They're like they put it on ice or whatever they're deciding whether or not they can like glue it back on or whatever they do

I don't know if it's good these articles not clear whether he's got his fucking peg back or not. I don't think I think because the way the article sounds it sounds like he was he he barely made it out of the water right and then someone was luckily there and put it I hear you bleed a lot when your whole leg gets like a lot Like a lot god. I was giant. I was it. I was such a giant like coward when like that little piece fell off my finger I was like a cloud. I was like oh fuck this hurts And I was like I couldn't imagine losing more than that. Like that's enough.

Like I wanna die before anything else goes. For real, I listen, there's a podcast I listen to for fodder for citation needed, but it's called Real Survival Stories. And all the time I'm like, I would die immediately. I would die because I would want to. Like this shit happened, like a shark bit off my leg. I'd be like, blah, blah, blah.

I just drank right in the drink right soup in that bringing that water into my sweet lungs to die I'm not like bravely climbing onto my surfboard and paddling to shore Yeah, and having a stranger put a dog leash or whatever on my fucking stump and being like I still love sharks cuz he's in his natural Environment I'd be like kill me this hurts so bad Jesus Christ you kidding me. I was just laying there and some guys taking a small seashell trying to kill Him over the head. I'm like I'll show you how to give me a show. Give me it Oh, I don't want to survive that shit. I don't either dude I fucking don't either like it's that is this is a that's so crazy that that a fucking

Shark would just fucking be able to nip the whole thing off You're gonna bit his fucking leg off But then like not like take him with it like because it to me that feels like such a traumatic event That there would be some sort of writing yeah something and then I would imagine you would probably Sounds like you'd drown, but this guy's just like no I got to my board and I got well and I think I would drown. Yeah, you would drown this guy's tough He's got off his shit. Yeah, I Australian. This is a fucking flesh wound Yeah, you can hop around on the other leg when he got out. They just squeezed the spider Walking in a week rubbing a kid no over thing. It's fine. It doesn't matter

Doesn't even matter tape aoo on the bottom of their stories from the BBC. I gotta put this guy on the screen because he looks like a guy who would steal $4,000 electricity. Electrician stole $4,000 of electricity from his neighbors. He was shocked. Yeah. The neighbors didn't even put up any resistance. Hahaha. They had to meditate about it. Just, ohm. Hahaha. See, that was a stretch. See, I pulled a little.

You're really trying on that one. I wasn't positive about that one. I read this and I was like, yeah, that's about 10 months of electricity in my house. That's what they- My electric bill is a fucking million dollars. I read this and I was like, yeah, that's about 10 months of electricity in my house. That's what that my electric bill is a million dollars. Kids don't give a shit. They never leave either. They're always there.

They never go anywhere. And then they're online or whatever. And so that wastes money. Like Donovan's like running like nuclear fallout experiments or some shit. I don't even know what's going on over there. That room glows and pulsates. Yeah, $400, standard electric bill. That's a regular electric bill in our place.

That's great, yes, it's like 10 months. 10 months. 10 months worth of time. It's crazy, because what he did was, he's an electrician, so he went and somehow got a feed line from their place and then hid it behind a picture. But if you were gonna do this, wouldn't't you have just for fun, just for yourself,

you'd laugh, wouldn't you have a picture of like a substation or something? Or Tesla. I would absolutely have a funny picture. I would have something. Yeah, no, I'm stealing this. I mean, it's a funny picture though, right? I'm stealing this. Do you remember back in the day, there used to be people who used to climb up

and do this with cable? Oh. Do you remember this? Yeah. So you're a good person, but I've never been. Like, did you ever have anybody offer to give you stolen cable? No, never.

Though, when my first apartment, there was this guy, David, he was the Comcast guy, and he came out to install the cable. And he's like, for 20 bucks, I'll just give you cable. And I was like, for 20 bucks, I'll just have cable. That sounds great. And so every month he would come by and I'd give him a 20 and he wouldn't disconnect the cable.

He just kept it hooked up. He just like had it connected. So I didn't pay for cable like my first two years. Well, I paid David instead of Comcast like a hundred bucks. I mean, look, if David isn't running this shit up the chain, that's untaping. That's right, yeah. He was just like, he's like.

Tom paid money, Tom made money. Yeah, did he give you all the channels? That gave me like whatever came with just keeping the cable plugged in without a box. Oh, well perfect. So, and I wasn't gonna get a cable box anyway, cause I was like, I'm not doing the premium. I was broke, my first apartment, I was super broke.

That was just the only way you could get TV. So I was like, hell yeah, David, here's your fucking 20 bucks. and he would come by and collect Every month I'd be like, hey man, he was a nice guy to give him 20 bucks He'd wander off with his 20 and I'd be like pay the cable bill I wonder if that dude had a bunch of people that I'm sure he did. Yeah, just you know, you can make you know if he can make 100 bucks 200 bucks a week. That's pretty good, especially back then, that's good. That's what I mean.

Like this was in the 90s, you know? This was like, maybe 2000. It was probably 2000 when I had my first apartment. Yeah, it was 2000 when you had your first apartment. Cause you and I graduated the same year. That's right. Yeah, so it had to be 2000. The summer 2000 is when I moved out.

Wow. So yeah. Yeah. So, well, but like what's funny about this story. But hold on. There used to be other people. So there used to be other people back in the day who had satellites.

Do you remember these satellites? They would buy these gigantic fucking satellite dishes. They were like enormous satellite dishes. And then they would point them up into the sky and then they would get every channel known to man. There'd be like 3000 channels and they'd have to figure out which ones are in English or whatever. Well, when I was at, when I used to work at Circuit City, we sold DirecTV because that

was a big deal. DirecTV and then whatever the other one was, there was another competitor. I had DirecTV for like four months when I moved out rurally until I was able to get Comcast. And you used to be able to get these like cheater cards. The chips, yeah, the cheater chips. Yeah. I never have you. Yeah. They were like, if you, if you knew a guy who could program it and they would get fried. So the, the, the direct TV company would send like a code that would fry them

every once in a while. So you'd get one for like a hundred bucks or whatever from some guy and it would give you like all the channels for a couple of months for a few months. Yeah. I remember I got my dad one once. So like I had one and it worked for like six months and then they sent the thing and it fried it it and then we just put in the one he was paying for and we were like Well, that was really We were just like we got all the channels were like there's still nothing we wanted to watch like it doesn't matter Yeah, you know the only thing different was like you got like the porn channels so like when I was like 20 I was like I got the porn channels. You know it's like it's fucking Beavis and butthead with the porn

But it was bad porn channels back then it was like I got the porn channels you know it's like it's fucking beavis and butthead with the fucking porn channels But it was bad porn channels back then. Oh it was like spice or whatever Yeah, it's just like once in a while you see a boobie Yeah, that's exactly right It's just as bad just as I mean you could you could have the same effect by just pressing your face up against the squiggly line Yeah, but this was back when the internet took you four hours to download a single nipple Yeah, you're like I want to see a titty and like the internet took you four hours to download a single nipple. Yeah. You're like, I want to see a teddy. And like the internet was like, yeah, man. God, I remember when first day I came out, you're like,

oh, can you look at girls? And I'm like, no, you actually can't. No, you can talk to somebody who says they're a girl. They're not a girl. Literally the only thing you get to do, because back then, if you wanted to download a picture of a person, you'd be like, nope. That's literally the only thing you get to do. Cause back then, if you wanted to download a picture of a person, you'd be like, nope, that's not happening. Literally never gonna happen. And the picture that you'd eventually get was like taken on a potato.

It's like a 240 by 140 image. It's essentially a postage stamp. You gotta put it in a microfiche machine to beat off. I mean, I still did it. I still did it. But it was a lot of work back in the day. That microfiche machine did less. Back in my day, he had to beat off uphill both ways in the snow.

God damn it. We were tougher when we were jerking off back in the day. They made this guy though, he didn't get in all that much trouble. They made him pay it back, but he's like, I don't have any money. It's like, give us like 40 bucks a month or whatever. You have to do it a hundred times. He didn't even go to jail. They're just like, and he's still the neighbor.

And he's still the neighbor. Yeah. He's still the neighbor. So now you still get to look at your neighbor and be like, good morning, Bill. You're going to steal anything else from me today, Bill? While you put your pork chop on the grill and you're like, I'm just going to stay out here so it doesn't disappear, right Bill? I would have the pettiest, most passive aggressive revenges against that guy constantly.

Yeah, for sure. I would take up like smoking cigars right under his balcony. Like I would do all, I would be the worst neighbor. Who's the worst neighbor you ever had? Worst neighbor ever was somebody who had a, this is a bad story for me, but somebody had a terrible car that had a car alarm that went off

anytime somebody sneezed around the block. Oh wow. Like just went off constantly, was constantly going off. And like at one point I walked out onto my balcony and I had an ice cream, like an ice cream bar, and that fucking car, car was a convertible, was going off again.

And I just was like, meh, and I just threw my ice cream bar in its car. I was like, cause he fucking guy, like it went off all the time, constantly. It was one of those really loud aftermarket ones. So that guy sucked so bad. That does, that sounds terrible. What about you?

I had fucking the bumpuses that lived next door to me when I lived rurally. They were just like, I literally put up a fence so I didn't have to look at their house. I remember this. Yeah. So like I just, they were, they were gross and they had like, they just kept on adding cars to their house where you'd just be like, like that one didn't work. What?

Can you just get rid of it? Cause it's just sitting there. Well that there's a looking car. No, I'm gonna get this other one. I'll hide the other car behind this car. And you're like, OK, no, man. But after a while, there was a camper, a couple of cars that didn't work deep into the yard.

And they're like in the yard. And I'm just like, oh, God, you people, like, what is the yard car? I'm just like, get rid of the car, man, like fucking cold, fucking victory auto wreckers. That's what's worth money. That's a Chicago joke, by the way. Only Chicago people would know the Victory Auto Records thing.

You can look it up on YouTube, though. You can get that one. You can find it there. That old car's worth money. That old car's worth money. And the door falls off on the guy. But, you know, I remember that, and it was just really unsightly.

And then they bought the house on the other side of me. So their kids bought the house on the other side of me. And their kids bought the house on the other side of me, and then they would walk across my front yard, and I was like, hey man, don't walk across my, like you walk on the street to your friend, like you don't walk across my front yard, like who do you think you are? You don't just come in my yard.

So I had to like tell them a few times, so they were just annoying more than anything else, but that was it. I never really had like super bad neighbors as an adult. I had really bad neighbors as a kid, but never as an adult. The worst neighbor I had was the car alarm guy. Mostly, there's like neighbor horror stories though, and this is one of them for sure. This is bad.

All right, this story comes from AP. Meet Crush, the rare orange lobster diverted from dinner plate to aquarium by Denver Broncos fans. It doesn't sound even the same orange. Come on. Is that not Denver Broncos fans. It doesn't not even the same orange. Come on. Is that not Denver Broncos orange? It doesn't look like a Bronco either. I don't know that I would notice that that shouldn't be eaten. Because here's the thing.

It looks like a, it does look like a cooked lobster though. It does. And I would be like, great, cook it. That's an eaten lobster, dude. It's a small lobster. I will say that's a red lobster lobster. It is a red lobster lobster. Because like, you're gonna pay $43 for a lobster

that you should pay $10 for. That's a red lobster lobster. It is a red lobster lobster. It 100% is a red lobster lobster. And what do you think that this, do you think this lobster has survivor's guilt that all his friends? Maybe he didn't like the other lobsters in the lobster bin or whatever.

Maybe they picked on him because he's orange. Right, yeah, he's like, fuck you! Who's special now, bitches? I'm fucking pinchy or whatever. The fucking Denver Broncos mascot or whatever. I'm going to ride a fucking Bronco next week. The fuck out of here. What I love about this story, I want to read part of this story real quick because there's

a part of it that just like I have to talk to you about. Crush will be examined by a veterinarian and after 30 days in court by a veteran, there's a veterinarian that's like, yeah, I know about lobsters. I went to fucking veterinarian school. Everyone else's dogs, cats, maybe horses, a fucking sheep. Some guy in the corner is like, I want to learn about the lobsters When is the lobster part of the program? Did they euthanize them in a big pot of water

And then everybody's like all right you can take your buys down in the like And then they come in a few minutes later and set up a paw print, they bring a drawn butter. Claw print! They bring me a claw print with a cracker! And then I'm like, here you go! You get the ashes and they're served back in the shell? They mix the ashes with a Mornay sauce? Here you go!

It's your mom's turn! Here's your pet inside a drawn butter. The veterinarian has to go in every day with a chef's hat on. He's got a stethoscope and one of those stick probes around his wrist that he carries with him wherever he goes. A veterinarian. Unbelievable. Oh, that's so good, dude. Oh, God. He spent a lot of time.

And to me it feels like that's a that's a good, dude. Oh, God. He spent a lot of time. And to me, it feels like that's an animal, though, that like all of the stuff on the outside makes it so there's no internal medicine that can happen, essentially, right? What do you do?

I can't be like, well, I got to open up. It's sick. I got to do like heart compressions or whatever. That's what I mean, man. There's nothing you I gotta do like heart compressions or whatever. That's what I mean, man. There's nothing you could, so I don't understand that maybe. What is the veterinarian looking for? It's a bug.

But I also think too, like, I really don't know. Oh, he's got fucking lobster rabies. He's foaming at the face or whatever it's got. Whatever it's got. Well, I actually wonder about fish veterinarians. Because we talked for a while about rat veterinarians and people sent in messages and said they take their rat to the vet, even though they only live a couple of years. They're like, if my rat's sick, I take it to the vet.

Like, my rat's a part of my family. And I don't disagree because rat to me feels like a part of, probably would be like part of a family. They're really sweet. Yeah. All mammals kind of, if they grow up around other mammals or like other mammals, they'll get to like other mammals. And so they, that's why like you'll have a dog

and cat that'll sleep together or whatever, a goat that'll come into your house and cuddle with them too. But what I don't, I'm not sure about fish. Like what happens if your fish are sick? Do you call a specialist to come out and look at your fish and like, cause like you can't. Yeah, it would have to do a house call. I can't just take them and bring them to you. You

got this fucking giant aquarium you walk in with. You're sitting at the veterinarian's office. Somebody's got their dog on a leash. You got a cat in the carrier. Somebody's got a fucking giant fish tank on their lap. Every once in a while you reach your hand in there and pet the fish. He's a little nervous when he's at the veterinarian. He doesn't know anyone here. He doesn't like dogs. No, but I wonder like, clearly you gotta have a house call, but I wonder, do you call people or are you just like, you just know enough about fish to say, this is fucked or this isn't?

I'm curious, because I've never owned fish myself. The people I know that have, I've known people that have had big, nice, expensive aquariums and they're just like, they're just people who have to know a bunch of shit. You just gotta know it. And then if your fish gets sick, they're just like well that dead. It's fucked Okay, just fucked now. I see maybe that's not true. If you have these like super expensive koi or something

Yeah, because those koi can be like a million dollars No way what dude look that shit up like the most expensive koi like Google this thing like it's crazy There's some of these koi fish in Japan are worth maybe not a million, but they're worth a fucking astronomical sum of money. 20 grand? 20,000, what are the most expensive ever sold? $2 million. Wow.

That's a citation needed right there. Most expensive pets. Yeah. I'll do that in the future. It's fucking crazy, man. That's insane, wow. That's just a fish. Well, I would imagine those people would have that vet because you don't you don't invest two million

dollars in a thing and not have somebody who can come out. You gotta get coy insurance. Yeah. That's crazy. Coy insurance. I am curious. The policy's a little fishy. I am curious if people will actually if they had like a really expensive aquarium with a lot of shit Yeah, yeah, yeah, if they call people out to like they've got to have aquarium. There's gotta be like somebody who comes to your house aquarium doctor Yeah speaking of aquariums The stories from science that or cocaine sharks found in waters off Brazil Sharp nose sharks may or may not eat drifting bales of coke

But a positive drug test highlights the risk of pollution. Look at the schnaz on that thing. You know it's loving some coke. For real. I mean, for real that that that is definitely that thing's doing bumps. They do bumps off each other's snouts. This is actually kind of a shitty stuff. It is actually kind of like not. It's environmentally like. It's environmentally kind of scary. It sounds like there's just a bunch of cocaine pollution in the water and the animals get

it into their system. Well, it's because of, they were saying that there's raw sewage that sometimes can have cocaine in it. Then there's also plants that manufacture cocaine that dump their waste water into rivers and things. And so it doesn't actually go through any treatment. And so then it just winds up in the ocean and then you just have a bunch of sharks being like, hey man, I got a great idea. I don't know.

I don't know what it is, but I like swimming in this area. I've been chewing on my cheeks all day and they're bloody, I don't even care. I don't even care, it's great. But it's kind of crazy. It's kind of fucked up that there's enough pollution to make its way into the flesh of those things. And it also can, people who eat them can be damaged in some way because they're also ingesting cocaine too.

Does anybody have on their 2024 bingo card, cocaine sharks? Cocaine sharks. That was a movie. What other things? This is why I've said it before and I'm growing more convinced that I am in a coma. I've been in a coma for four years. This shit, none of this shit. Because it's too stupid to be believed.

It is too stupid. It's some dumb shit. My dumb ass brain would be like, hey, what about cocaine sharks asshole last week when I saw I Felt the same way the moment. I saw those people That were putting bandages on their own ears. Yeah After Trump got shot, I was just I just thought to myself come on now That is that's a level of fucking crazy that I never expected to see. And you would be hard pressed not to have that in a movie like Idiocracy.

Yeah. That would be definitely something you could easily see in Idiocracy. You couldn't put that in a drama because it's too stupid to be taken seriously. The world is now impossible to dramatize because it's like, no, we're living in a farce. We're living in a farce. So we would have to classify the world we're living in as an unserious thing.

That's why I don't think it's real. I'm not sure you saw anything because I don't know that you are. I think this is all a dream that I had. I think you're just a really convincing part of my dream. This is fucking nuts. This story comes from WTSP.com. Florida woman sued for putting concrete in neighborhood storm drain causing flooding issues. Why would you do that? It's not even that she did it. She hired a fucking crew to do this.

So like they came out and put a storm drain in her property and she's like, you didn't ask permission. And the city was probably like, it's an easement, stupid. We don't have to ask permission. And she was like, not on my property. She hired a crew of people. What's craziest is like that's there so it doesn't flood stupid. Yeah.

And then what happened? It fucking flood. Well, she even said, she told me, I'm going to read right from the thing. She reportedly told her neighbors, I advise you of this because once I close that pipe off, you will have a drain problem that will back up on the road and onto your property. So she intentionally knew she was causing a giant fucking problem. And she was just like, well, you can road and onto your property. So she intentionally knew she was causing a giant fucking problem. And she was just like, well, you can't come onto my property.

It's not my property. And they only find her like 300 bucks or something like that. Yeah, what is that? Why is that? $300? That's a lot, it feels like you're ruining the whole stuff. No, but it's $300 a day. Oh, okay, all right.

It's $300 a day until she fixes the problem. Okay, all right. So that actually- Well, yeah, and then she's got to pay to fix the problem. All right, okay, that's better, that's better the problem. All right. Okay. That's better. That's better. That's all that thing. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I miss the daily down here because that's what it's I face fines of up to two.

It's not a fucking insane thing to do. You told me stories, though, of back in the day when people were repossessing houses after the crash of the first housing bubble that people would do this to their houses. Yeah. So like people would do all kinds of spite shit to their houses right before they got evicted from their house, so they got foreclosed out of their house. So there was a whole spate of people. So it was not uncommon for people to damage the house

or trash the house or pull the copper out of the walls, but people would also take quickcrete and pour it down the toilet. And then it would go into the, and it would solidify and would clog up the drain line and ruin the drain line and cause unbelievable damage to that house, which was an insanely stupid thing to do because it's not like you do that and they foreclose on the house. They're just like, well, nothing we can do about it now.

They go after you for sure. Like they, like these people did not like get one over on the man. It's not like Bank of America was like, well, I guess we're just fucked. Bank of America was like, we've got the sheriff on our side and unlimited resources. And the other thing that they can do too is be like, well, we're going to sell the house now. And now the house is worth drastically less. And so you owe us the balance in between often, they owe the balance. So. In most states, not all, but in most states,

your mortgage gets wiped out through a foreclosure, but the note perseveres. And so you can owe the difference between what you owe on the note and what the value of foreclosure was. So if you trashed your own house, you're just making that gap wider. You're making it way worse. And they can pursue you on that judgment. I know that from experience.

They make it worse for sure. Speaking of making things worse, Cecil, this story is from... What is happening? Now Toronto. God, Canada, what is happening up there? This is the least polite thing. This is not polite at all. They should have been saying sorry. Oh yeah, you betcha. It makes no sense. Toronto building had to tell its residents to stop throwing feces at electrical workers. So power goes out in the building. Workers come out to fix the power. Residents, presumably angry that the power has been out,

verbally abuse the people fixing the problem, and then they escalate to throwing actual shit at those people. Here's what I wanna say about this, and the reason why I wanna talk about this is like, corralling, packaging your own shit is punishing you. Okay? That is never ever ever punishing someone else.

That's punishing you first and punishing you a lot. Unless you're just like fucking like put a rubber over your own ass and fucking squeeze out a deuce somehow. I don't know, but like genuinely there it doesn't feel like there's any way to do that. That feels like it would be clean and you would get away without shit on your hands. Yeah. Yeah. Without having to smell it and be involved in it. Yeah, dude. Also, isn't there a moment where you're packaging your own feces and you're like, I'm not sure this is a good idea. They're like Like there's gotta be a moment see. So we're like, this is, I've got something wrong in the brain.

There's something going on. Like I got there. There's not a pause of sober reflection. I gotta reevaluate everything in my life. I've got to just basically, I've got to go like watch that, that, uh, Asian woman rearrange your house or whatever. I gotta be like, there's something wrong with me, so let me watch this and see if I can turn this into therapy.

You've got to, like, find another outlet. I know the outlets aren't working, but find another outlet. You know, a couple times a week, I'll clean the cat box. And that is the worst job in the world. Because I have a little robot, but it still stinks. Right. It's still terrible. I still have to pull out a drawer full of poop and pee and wrap it up and then tie it

up and walk it out to the garbage. And in the bag itself, it still reeks. And when I throw it in the, it's been tied up in a garbage bag. And I open that garbage thing up, which already has one in it and it smells and I don't want to deal with it. I couldn't imagine doing this my own poop. Like I'm just like, no, I don't want it. I want to get out of my bathroom as soon as I go. They're like, if you're doing anything and you would be like, if someone walked in right

now, this would be tough to explain. You don't have a lot of, yeah. First of all, leave workers alone. Just leave workers alone. Obviously, right? So I'm just gonna say that. Leave workers alone. But also, if you wanna get back at somebody, like if you want like some revenge,

there are ways to get revenge that are still horrible and petty and mean-spirited that do not involve handling your own dookies. You know? You gotta take yourself out of the equation when it comes to the punishment, because you are punishing yourself. Jesus. All right.

That's going to wrap it up for our funny show. We'll be back on Monday with something new, but we're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptic screen. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil and and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupuncturating pressurized Stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain deadpan sales pitch late night info Docutainment Leo Pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage

Death in Towers tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, don't call me nuts, you're nuts, you're nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, The The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information

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