Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 805: Stargate Kentucky and a $2 Decillion Dollar Fine

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

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Ontario. This episode of cognitive dissonance is brought to you by our patrons you fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political,

and there is no welcome mat. Today is November 14th. Cecil, it's out Thursday. Yeah, but we're gonna, this will be airing the following week. So what is that, the 21st? Yeah, but here's the thing. It doesn't even matter.

These are evergreen, silly ass stories. It doesn't matter. This, that is the beauty of doing this show, Cecil, is it comes out when it comes out. It's recorded. Doesn't matter. What's our first story? Russian state TV airs Melania's Trump's nudes on prime time.

Are we worried about what day that happened? I'm not. I fucking love that they air this on fucking Russian television as just like a quick little message to Trump. Yeah. Hey, just so you know, just so you know, we really, like literally anything you do, we control.

Yeah. This is such a fucking power move by Russia. This is such a power move. It's like, hey dude, got naked pics of your wife on our TVs over here. Anyway, who's the bitch now? It's like having a fucking really awkward kiss with her right in front of us. That's crazy.

I mean, it's like a gross thing to do. It's really gross. It's a gross, obviously objectifying thing to do. But hold on though, like to be fair, we have seen Hunter Biden's dick as well on Congress, on the congressional floor. So, I feel like it's up to... Perfectly appropriate use of governmental power and authority. I feel like it's up to Russia to create deep fake pictures of the two of them. Yeah, man.

We've... Fake boobs. Yeah, and Hunter, it's crazy. No, but I feel like at a certain point, we've passed a certain level of decorum with the way in which we allow and what we allow people to see. I mean, when Marjorie Taylor Greene

is doing that stuff on the floor, who cares? And this is something that she got paid to do and was public anyway. Yeah, it's not like these are not. This is not shit that was locked in Melania's laptop that she handed off to a fucking repair guy who we then scoured and sold to the New York Post. Right, right, right. Yeah, this is this is like it is very hard for us to clutch our pearls as a nation any longer and be scandalized. Right.

Yeah. It's like we're already doing the credit. We already have the Jewish space, later's lasers, you know, hunter Biden's fucking revenge porn at Congress. Like at what point can we be like, well, but you guys, there's no, but you guys anymore, that's it. We're the bottom. no, but you guys anymore. That's it. We're the bottom. We're done with you guys.

That's it. We're the bar that everybody else has to climb under. And there is no more decorum. So this is fair game. Dude, you remember, do you remember like when we would watch like TV of like other nations, like parliaments and they were like yelling at each other and other, and then like Obama did his State of the Union, and somebody's like, liar, and it was a scandal. It was just like the whole world basically was like,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh for the days. Yeah, I know, I know, man. Oh for the days, Cecil. I saw their debate, Mitt Romney and Obama's debate, and they gave each other a bro hug afterwards. And I thought, man, they look like they just seriously got done playing 21 at the Y and they gave each other a hug afterwards. Like great job, catch you next week, bro. We're going to do pickleball next week. It's like ridiculous level of, you know, just, I don't

know, just sportsmanship in some way. Right. It's almost like they're fucking professionals. It's unbelievable. Like professional colleagues are just like, yeah. And if Donald Trump had a pen, he would have killed Kamala Harris on that stage. He'd have killed like Hannibal Lect beans just in case, you know? This story comes from the standard North Korean troops have been allowed access to the internet and they are addicted to porn. Looking at Melania's pictures. My favorite, my favorite is that it's not just addicted.

This tweet says as a result, they are gorging on it. They are and gorging on it. Gorging on pornography. Just like standing there, just like spinning, just like scrolling with their phones as fast as they can. Hey, it's hard work, you know. It sure is. I love the idea that like, the North Korean troops,

they're like, okay, we've had a total information fucking lack for like decades. Like we haven't, we don't know what's going on in the world. We don't know like what shit tastes like. We don't know. And you're just like, okay, here's a, I'm just gonna look at these. I look, yeah, there's a whole world of information

out there. I am gonna stroke my dick till that thing falls off. Yeah, these guys come back and they're like We found the clitoris and then someone's gonna take them into custody And like run them into one of those within that big hotel where they store And you can't come out anymore now bringing state secrets or whatever. I'd be like, no man, you can't come out anymore. You're bringing state secrets back. But craziness to see that North Korea has joined the fight. A weird 10,000 troops just popped over to Russia and it's like, I don't, this feels intensely dystopian, like intensely, maybe, I don't know, this feels like there's a, there's a domino.

I'm very worried about falling and I can't even articulate exactly how that domino works. I, you know, the, with Trump in office, there's, there's no, I don't think there's a limit to the number of troops that he'd allow on that other side. Right. Like at a certain point there would be some intervention by our government or somebody, some spokesman for our government to be like, if any more troops amassed there, we're going to have a real problem, right? But I think with Trump in there, cause I, you know, his, his magical solution for solving it was just to call up solinsky with Elon Musk To say hey, bro. Can you just stop and let him have what they have?

Yeah, that was his magical solution that he could end it in 24 hours He said I would end the conflict in 24 hours. It has been much more than 24 Surprise surprise Ukraine is like we actually thought of that and it turned out we wanted to maintain our sovereignty and our territorial Authority it turns out that's been on the table the whole time We know that we could always surrender Like literally that's literally been their plan the whole time. Okay a Hundred percent like without us involvement though Ukraine is yeah is is, is fucking bone. Fucking bone. Yeah. And, and Elon's gonna doge that out of there. He's gonna, well, he, he's the head of that department of governmental efficiency now,

which has two people. Which is amazing. The redundancy department of efficiency. It's fucking amazing. But, but they're gonna, they'll gut the shit out of that stuff. They'll say to people, you can't send that money over there. Oh yeah. I think, I think a thousand percent. Plus like if you're Elon Musk, if these, if

strategically what you want to do is just give this to Russia. Yeah. Like Ukraine relies on Starlink. Without Starlink, they cannot fight. They have no communications network. It's easy. So he'll just be like, they cannot fight. They have no communications network. That's easy. So he'll just be like, yeah, we'll just fucking shut it off. That's easy. And that's over. Damn.

Because that's the kind of power one dude should have. Yeah, no, absolutely. We're doing a great job. We should make sure that that guy has unlimited money and unlimited power. You imagine? For real! We've got a situation where one guy could be like, you lost a war, click. I just pressed the button, you lost a war. I feel like next week, someone should just deliver him the sword for Castle Grayskull.

And the castle. And just be like, no, man, you could have it and Barbie's dream house. We'll put it right next door. You could have the whole thing. The whole thing. Yeah, he gets that awesome shit from G.I. Joe that I could never afford.

He gets the hovercraft or whatever. all right, this story's from fortune TGI Fridays is worried. It won't have enough cash if customers redeem $50 million in outstanding gift cards that don't expire. Here's a, here's a tip for you. TGI Fridays. No one was ever going to read read TGI Friday's. A TGI Friday's gift card is like a food poisoning hand grenade. You know? Like they hand-tune it. It goes off later, but it was the first place I ever got actual food poisoning. I feel like if you give it to somebody, you're not allowed to wash your hands before you give it to them.

I feel like if you give somebody a TGI Friday's gift card as a gift, you're not going to be invited back next year. I feel like if you give them a TGI gift card, they have to eat guacamole off of it. It would still taste better than their chips. Are you kidding me? Be like, yeah, we dropped this on the bathroom floor. You have to eat guacamole off this thing we dropped on the bathroom floor you have to eat you the best thing on your menu You have to eat Coquemoli up this thing we dropped on the bathroom floor, bro, sir

Would you like this thing from the bathroom floor? Would you like one of our loaded baked potatoes? I'll eat your fucking gift card from the urinal 100% like get out of here Jesus Jesus! This is the grossest stretch try. It's so bad! So which is worse, it or Chili's? Because I've gotten food poisoning

from Chili's every time I came here! Every single time! We've got to do a little ranking because in my mind there's three big national absolutely horrible low rent places. Applebee's? It used to be Beneg, but they're gone now.

Yeah. Like, I don't know why, but I always liked Bennegan's. It was fucking horrible. Yeah, it was just the same. It's the same as just the pub version of the other two. Yeah. All right, so there's Applebee's, Chili's, TGI Fridays.

Let's start best to worst. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you what's best. Here's the thing. Like... Do you want to be slapped in the nuts or kicked in the nuts? I don't know. I don't know that you could ask me to go to any of those. I would.

I would probably be like, you know what? I'm actually just going to stay at home. I'm not hungry. And eat raw garbage. Out of the garbage can. They're all so bad. So I used to love buffalo wings. I used to love them.

Yeah. And then I got them at Chili's one time and I got so sick. So unbelievably sick. I shot myself home. I like left and then I jet packed myself home with the food poisoning. I landed at home and then I never ever since then if I smell buffalo sauce, I get a little, I get a little sick. Uh, T first time I ever got food poisoning was from a chicken fajitas at TGI Fridays.

Bad time. A bad time was had by unpleasant. That's unpleasant too. Because when you vomit, it's sizzling. I had to drive home. And I'm like, I had about an hour long drive to get home. And I'd started to get sick. I'm like, fuck, I should go home. And so I'm driving and I'm driving and I'm... I bet you were sweating. Dude, I was pulling over and getting sick bad.

I was both then sick out of the pot. It was bad times. It was not a good drive. It took me a lot longer than an hour. It was so bad. It was so, you could give me a gift card for that place. You gave me a fucking, just shoot me again in the eye with a BB gun. That'd be better.

I'd rather eat in like the monkey cage. I feel like it'd be cleaner. This story is from Oosa today. Ohio family. Ohio family builds a 50,000 pound star gate with dial home device to scan the cosmos. All right. Let's put it on the big screen. This is a wholesome story.

This is, and it's also awesome. Look at how fucking awesome that Stargate is. The one thing that is interesting is that this guy, he starts watching Stargate with his kids and doesn't really care, but his kids love it. So he's like, well, let's watch all of them. And then he watches all of them and he's like, well, my kids room, we're not hanging out as much anymore. You guys want to build a stargate?

They're like, yeah, we'll build a stargate. So he doesn't just build like a balsa wood stargate. He builds a structural stargate. One that you could probably build something like a whole house on. Dude, I think like if his kids had agreed to hang out with him longer, he'd have built one that actually like transported him. He's got one that actually works. Like as somebody with like teenagers that are getting older. I feel this It's like what do what I got it. What do we got to do in a little time with you?

You know like going to build a fucking stargate a bill that you want me to fucking learn to play magic again, then no Probably real interested like just spend a little time when your kids are little to like oh my god I can't wait to spend time with you and And as they get older, they very developmentally are like, I'm bored of you. I don't wanna be around you. But you're just like, well, but that hurts my heart. Every time you're walking around the house to cats in the cradle.

Yeah, man, it's like, fuck. Fuck. And the worst part is now they're interesting. Yeah, right. You know? Now you wanna talk to them. Now I'm like, oh, I like this better. And they're interesting. Yeah, right. You know? Now you want to talk to them. Now I'm like, oh, you're like, I like this better. And they're like, you're old.

Yeah. Yeah. Man. You know what you need to do to help me, you know what'll bring them in is just keep on telling them how much they used to suck. That's gonna bring them in. I got Finn into weightlifting

and now Finn is stronger than I am. Oh wow. And like, he's 18. So it took him like 40 seconds of like- Sure, cause he's made a gristle. He just made out of like 18 year old stuff. So he's just like, he's like, his numbers are bad. And like he's been stronger than me for four weeks, right?

His number's just fine, but he's like, but he's makes a big deal out of it. So I was like, last time I saw him, I was like, hey man, you want to work out together? Thinking like, this is clearly a shared interest, right? It's clearly a shared interest. And his first response was, I don't know if you can keep up, dad.

And I was like, oh, you fucking son of a bitch. He like choked you out. You son of a bitch? He choked you out. Choked you out. This Stargate, here's what I wanna say. Guy doesn't want anybody around him. He's mad, because people are starting to come

like take pictures of it. Turn turn into a fucking wedding destination for real Oh many people do the nerd weddings would be like easy, bro. I will fucking get out my cosplay fucking stargate I will make all my bridesmaids and groomsmen come as like the fucking army that fucking Walks me could you imagine how many people you get at your stargate wedding charge a stargate? fortune That's it. That's it. I feel like I feel like the glory hole needs a stargate hole Why don't we have the glory of this looks like a big glories us? It's like a fucking a giant So it's like a space glory. Oh, that's a biggin. That's an optimist. Oh, it's gonna come

You have no idea and that's there's someone on the other side and they're coming through and you don't know. I feel like we should rent out Glory Hole Studios for weddings. You know? Why not? Let's get a Glory Hole wedding. That's classy. Absolutely. Which side of the wall does the priest stand on? I got to put this one on the big screen too, just so you could go ahead. It starts from the register. Russian court finds Google $20 decillion. Guys, I'm going to read this in numbers.

I want to read this to you. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's see if I can get, if I can get the computer to do it. Russian court finds Google dollar 20, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. That's amazing. So yeah, it's, it yeah, it's a lot of fucking zeros, my friend. That's all of it. Do we have any more zeros?

It's so funny. They're like, yeah, we sued you for the moon. It's so much money. They're saying that it is such a laughable amount of money. There's never, there's nothing they don't make think the world doesn't make a Tiny percentage of this like the tiniest of the 1% of the like the GDP of all of the Activity of all human beings is not equal to this dollar. It's not how good Google Russia More than all the GDP activity of the entire human race.

That's insane. You would have to like lasso Mars and be like, it's yours. Yeah, you just have it. I got it. That's all yours. If you're Google, you'd be like, okay, bro. Yeah.

You know what I would do is I would write them a giant oversized novelty check. Well, at least they could take Google's desk. You know what I mean? A Kentucky man was declared brain dead. Then he woke up moments before donating his heart, his sister says. Whoa, that's a, that's a hell of a day. That's an exciting day.

I'll tell you what though, you know, you gotta, it's gotta be a terrible position to be in for the doctor Who's gonna be replacing or pulling those organs out to put in somebody else and like hold on a second and they walk in the other room with a pillow Sorry this happens all the time like if you're the recipient donor The recipients lay in there like with this fucking thing open be like you're gonna get a kidney soon They're like a doctor that person's awake Give me a minute and then they just take the pillow and they walk in the other room They just like you just have like the technical now we have an extra kidney

You just say this like other like please stand by yeah, I think all problems like stand by Yeah, all right, and now we do not have a problem. We played the national anthem How disappointing to be like, all right, so fuck, he lived. I should be happy, but like, I wouldn't be. I wouldn't be. If somebody came to me, if it was me and they're like, Tom, yeah, sorry, we got a heart for you. They're like prepping my shit.

I'd be like, oh, I'm going to live. I'm going to live. And then they'd be like, actually, the donor lived. I'd be like, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. go get that thing. Call up your best friend, be like, is there any way you could like Nancy Kerrigan his heart out of him?

I feel like it, yeah, right? Like if this happens, maybe can't you like thunder dome it out to see who gets to keep it? Yeah, right? Be like, all right, we're gonna sew you both up. Climate change, a problem so huge, how could I ever make a difference? I'm Marco Ciarnoved, Climate Reporter for the Toronto Star.

I meet a lot of smart people doing really inspiring things in this space all the time. Small things that add up to big climate benefits. Small things, big climate, wherever you get your favourite podcasts. The Climate Solutions Podcast is brought to you by SmartFlow from Enbridge Sustain. Get ready for a Las Vegas style action at Bet MGM, the king of online casinos. Enjoy casino games at your fingertips with the same Vegas strip excitement MGM is famous for when you play classics like MGM Grand Millions or popular games like Blackjack, Baccarat, and Roulette. With our ever-growing library of digital slot games,

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario Now you guys have to fight her all right You're like it's like whoever fucking wins gets it gets to shot hard center one hard Man we dropped in a volcano. It's on fire. We wasted the whole art Do you remember remember from that movie that that guy gets his heart pulled out and he's still alive like there's like Say that it was like a fake thing though that he was doing like did they ever say it was fake like he was doing Like like the fake psychic surgery stuff on people. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I know that they lower them into a volcano afterwards.

I don't remember the movie because I think I only saw it once when I was a kid. I remember that movie and I think that they... I don't think it's ever implied that it was fake. I think they implied that they reach in if somebody rips your heart out, like, that's it. Like, I don't care if you lower me into a volcano after, it's fine. If somebody rips your heart out,

I wanna hear your mixtape. So. This story's from Oregon Live. This is the most American headline. This is 100%. People from other countries are gonna be like, what the fuck just happened Ambulance hits Oregon cyclist rushes him to hospital then sticks him with $1,800 bill

So mean this feels like entrapment This is a good business model. I want to roll to this poor guy. Look at this poor guy They really fucked him up man. They fucked him up going slow, too Yeah, that's the thing like this guy's going like the ambulance is going five or 10. This guy's going five or 10, but he's like, he's on the doorless floorless model, you know? So like getting wailed by something that weighs that much. Do you ever get worried about driving your bike anywhere? Absolutely. I ride almost entirely on trails. So like there's multi-use trails and I ride, but there are parts of those trails

that you have to be on the road for. You know, like to get from a junction to a junction. And yeah, I hate it. I literally hate it all the time. So if I want to go to a trail near me, I have to ride through sort of my subdivision and then I get to like a trailhead, but it's across a very busy road.

And I'll see bicyclists when I'm driving, all the time just cross without the crosswalk. And I'm like, absolutely not. I never cross, never ever ever do I cross without a crosswalk. No, I try not to. Like if I'm out like way early in the morning and you can see in both directions.

Yeah, nobody's around or whatever, yeah. Then I'll do it. But it's different. I'm talking about people that are literally driving. This is like a 60 mile an hour road. Yeah, man. That's fucking damn. And you can't tell how far away people are or how fast they're going because sometimes

people go up to 80 miles an hour on that road. Yeah, man. I got lost on a ride. So the trail that I like to ride, I get lost every time in the same section. So I've actually stopped going up that far north because I can't figure that part of the trail out. And the last time I got lost, and I have like fucking GPS and shit mounted on my bike,

still didn't fucking help me at all. So like, I was just like, all right, well, I just need, I know I need to go south and I'll pick it up eventually. And I had to ride for, I don't know, six or eight miles. And what really makes me nervous is not the road crossings. It's like, you're riding on the same road. And you can't be on the shoulder

because the shoulders are shitty for a bike. Like they're not, they're not like well maintained. Yeah, they're all like. And you got these people coming by passing you. And some of them will come way close, man. On purpose close. You know they're doing it to be a dick. The first week we were out here,

maybe it wasn't the first week. Maybe it was a dick. The first week we were out here, maybe it wasn't the first week, maybe it was within the first say three months we were out here. There was a story of one of the guys who's sort of famous, a famous, it's only in old timey times can this happen. He was a famous architect. So one of these old famous architects,

he helped design part of O'Hare. So one of these old famous architects, he helped design part of O'Hare. So one of these famous architects, he lived in my area. Within the first, and he was an older fella, like in his 80s. And he, within the first, like I say, couple months we were out here, there was a big news story on how he got fucking absolutely clipped by a bicycle and killed him. And I was, I was thinking to myself, I was like, here's the thing. These roads out here, they are, they don't have sidewalks. I live in unincorporated, you know, all the busy roads out here. I just stay away from them. I don't want to, I don't want to get clipped by some car. Like I just, I just don't want to, I just don't want to do it. When

I was in Chicago, I, I rode my bike all over the place in Chicago, but I was also real careful in Chicago all the time. If I could get there and it was out of my way, I would use the protected bike lanes whenever I could. If I could get there and I knew I had to go all the way up to Milwaukee to start going up, even if I could cut my way across easier in other streets, I wouldn't do it.

Yeah, man, fuck that noise. I almost always use the protected bike lanes whenever I could. Bike lanes, if they didn't exist, and then on rare occasions, if I didn't see a bike lane, I would ride a street that didn't have, but it was pretty rare. I didn't go down a lot of streets

that didn't have bike lanes. When I first took up the hobby, I joined some, there's a lot to learn. So I joined a bunch of like I first took up the hobby, I joined some, cause a lot to learn. So I joined a bunch of like Facebook groups and stuff to like learn stuff. And if you're on any of those groups, like every week, somebody gets hit by a car. If it's a big enough group with like 10,000 members, I'll imagine. Yeah. Every week, somebody gets hit by a car every week, like not every week, but very often, like they'll put up those ghost bikes.

So they're like the white spray painted bikes. Some cyclists got it killed. I'm like, when I took up the hobby, I was like, I'm riding on trails. You fucking road cyclists are, that's balls I don't have. That's a lot of, that's a lot of hood spots. Yeah. Military.com, senior enlisted Marine reduced to Sergeant

for wearing unauthorized awards, including Purple Heart. Isn't that like taking valor out of your front pocket and put into your back pocket? Thank you. This is the way I read. I was like, this is a weird stolen valor in a, like, this is like stealing from your own bank. Like you're robbing your own account.

You're doing the chase thing. It's the chase thing, but with Valor. So you sign a check that you didn't actually have Valor for and then you deposit in your Valor account and then you take the Valor out and then Chase sues you after this. They're fucking gunning for these people. They are, they are absolutely suing people.

100% because they're idiots. Because it's fraud, because it's literally fraud. You dummy. How did you think you were to get away with that. Here's the thing. I just want to tell everybody. I know everybody listens to show. Doesn't need to hear this,

but do not follow anybody's advice on TikTok ever. No, never ever, ever, ever, ever follow anyone's advice. That gives advice on TikTok. If they do give advice, corroborate it in three other places that are not TikTok. There's no one cool trick to get free money. Yeah. That's not a thing. That's not a thing. But like this fucking weird stolen valor thing,

I read this Cecil like, and I was super confused. I'm like, how did he think he wasn't going to get caught? It's not like he like war is uniform and he's not in the military. Right. And he goes to the bar. There's other people there who know all this stuff. Boy, they all know you, man. They all know you man. They all know you They're like dude. You didn't do that thing that you're you've got a medal that says that you did a thing You'd be like yeah, I did that thing. We were all here, bro

It's like me walking on a podcast convention with a podcast award. Yes Super weird man. It'd be like bringing your own Oscar to the Oscars Although how great would that be? I am the best director What Although how great would that be? I am the best director. What? How great would that be? To just keep walking around the Oscars

with two fake Oscars and they should be really bad fakes. Dude, like really, really bad fakes. We have to work away into getting an invite to the Oscars and we have to set up a booth selling Oscars. And then we need, we need one guy in a gold suit. You can get your picture taken with Oscar. Oh, Oscar the Oscar. Oscar the Oscar.

Oh, and you gotta get like somebody else working the crowd of the trench coat full of Oscars. Just jingling and jangling against each other. Some guy pulls up his sleeve and there's just Oscars hanging off his arm. Ah, it'd be amazing. Oh my God. This is adorable.

So cute. It's adorable. It's adorable. This is an adorable story of porcine alcoholism. Which we should always encourage. This is from Newsweek. You can say you're essentially a bears fan. Newsweek pet pig breaks in a garage, gets so drunk on over his beer.

And the best part is, is like the pet pig has a duck friend. He does his best friend is a duck, a duck. So like the pig's name is strawberry. First of all, that's fucking adorable. The second is that they had beer stored in the garage and the pig broke in and it was good beer. Oh. He broke in and actually drank a decent beer.

I, you know, this would have been a tragic story if he had a break in and get drunk on like Natty Light. Yeah, get some bad beer. You know? Yeah. Like nobody wants it. Like nobody wants to like get drunk on Bush Light or whatever. We wish that on a pig.

I love interspecies relationships. I'm a huge fucking absolute nerd for when any of that stuff comes up on like our awe or anything like that. I'll watch any video if a duck cuddles with a cat, if a dog hangs out with sheep, if there's a turtle and like a small canary. I'm going to watch every one of those videos start to finish and I'll probably watch them twice. Do you know what videos in the same genre that I absolutely like I'm floored by is when like the animals just help or save another animal. Have you seen this? Oh yeah, sure. Yeah. Like I've seen so many of these little videos. I saw one

the other day of like there was like a canal and somehow, I don't know, there's like a fish near this canal and a snake comes by and slithers the fish back into the canal and then slithers away. And I'm like, all right. My work is done here. It was, I was like, that's a snake. That's a fish.

Should've ate it. I'd eaten both of them. This is from the Guardian. I'm obsessed with whale poop. It can be neon green, bright red, or even sparkle. I feel like we need to read some of this. So here's a guy, this guy. Looking way too happy to be swimming around

in love with whale shit. Obsessed with whale poop, so here we go. I first encountered whale poop 30 years ago. This is a sentence you just, when you start writing this sentence, you know, like maybe this is a point of self reflection where you're just like, you know, my life got weird. My life got real weird while I was working on a right whale research project. One of my first days on the water in the Bay of Fundy in Eastern Canada, we came upon a

feeding male right whale with mud on its head, a bonnet, a sign that it had been feeding at the bottom of the bay to come up to breathe and rest. Just before it dived again, it released this enormous fecal plume. Jesus Christ. At that point, at that point you should be like, the ocean hates me and I'm never going in the ocean again. You'd be like, I'm outta here baby. I'm leaving.

Why would you hang out? And he's like, oh, what's this? Cool. Somebody get a specimen jar. There were gallons of poop in that water. It looked like red floating bricks. The smell was overwhelming. If you get that poop on your clothes, you have to throw them away. You're never going to wash it out. Okay. Your job is weird. Your job... look, I get it. I worked at a Burger King, right?

I get it. I'm right there. Look, I see you. Eyes. I see you. And look, same thing happens at Applebee's. If you wear clothes there, you have to burn them after your shift. You can't wash them. None of those smells come out. And just like an apple Bees right after you eat

Whale it's just Ejecting audio and sometimes it looks like big red bread and it can sparkle who knows If you're interested in Whales though you can check out the citation needed this week because there's a whale one that dropped on Monday. Oh yes! So it's a story that inspired Moby Dick. Oh my god it's the precursor the original prequel. The prequel to Moby Dick the original story. It's a fucking crazy story. It's fucking insane check it out it's on a citation needed this week it's called the sinking of the whale ship assets. Yeah I just want to write I just want to read a little bit more because I want you guys to hear the fucking love

letter. This man is writing to whale shit. Yeah. Like just whale fecal plumes can be neon green or bright red at times. They sparkle with silver scales like the sun glinting on the water. Every whale defecation is unique. It's shit, my guy. Bro. That's a poopin'. I'm just gonna tell you, every human is too. Like every human defecation is also unique. It's like a fingerprint.

Okay, just use fingerprints. Okay, admittedly those big slates you have to roll the poop on to get the, it's not, anyway. When I was in Australia, I remember seeing wombats and wombats shit little like cubes. Do they really? They shit a cube. Yeah, they shit these little like... Yeah, no other way to describe it. Just like a cube of...

And it's weird because that's how their toilet paper comes to it. It's in a cube. That's a weird animal. It's fucking the whole continent. They just shit the cube. Just shit the cube. I feel like we need to look up to see what a wombat poop looks like. Look at wombat cube shit. Wombat cube shit.

I'm actually gonna type that in, Tom. Images, wombat cube shit. Holy cow, Tom, you're not wrong. Yeah, man, they just shit a little cube. They shit a cube? They shit little cubes. What? It's like a poop sugar cube.

So when they go, they get either one lump or two. I don't understand. I feel like they get either one lump or two. I don't understand. I feel like it's always a lump number two. It's always a lump number two. That's right. Well, I don't understand. I know someone's going to send us a message and be like, I know everything there is to know about Wombats.

And I will tell you why they have a trash compactor for a rectum. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. I don't know. We are all just like, doesn't make any sense. I don't know. We are all just like... Like the tube makes sense. A tuba poop makes sense. Because we are tubes.

Because it's a tube. It goes through a tube. Your whole body is just a tube with a fleshy coating outside. Yeah, no, you should not shit Adobe. Like that's not a thing that should happen. If I shit a cube, I'd be like, I'm going to every hospital. Oh yeah. Everyone. I'll fly to Mayo tomorrow.

Are you kidding me? I'm going to start with the closest one, keep driving out till someone gives me this. I got to put it in a baggie. Whatever, man. I got to take it with me. Because no one's going to ever believe me. Yeah.

Like, what are you going to shit, a pyramid next? A fucking rhombus? You crap it out, and you're like, aw, snake eyes. Fuck. Hey guys, fuck. We're playing craps. All right, that's going to wrap it up for our funny show this week. Come check us out on Monday. We'll have a full show, but we're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed.

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