Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - 13th Anniversary: Dan Lippert, Stars, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Tim Baltz, Ego Nwodim, Shaun Diston, Will Hines
Episode Date: May 2, 2022Scott celebrates the 13th Anniversary of Comedy Bang! Bang! with co-host Bill Walton, music by the band Stars, fan favorites, plus newcomers! Special guests dropping by include visual artist Big Chunk...y Bubbles, social media expert Francesca Bolognese, Richie Castlebaum, Pastor Pasta, Garry the Gardener, and punk rocker Keith Stanley. Thanks for listening to CBB for all these years!
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Nothing steams my beans more than dad's ass and damn jeans.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week, a very
special week.
This is the 13th anniversary episode, yes we have been going at least once a week for
13 years now and something else to celebrate, we are back in the studio, we're back in the
ear wolf studios, we have four walls around us as well as a ceiling and the most important
one of these surfaces is this floor so we don't fall straight to the center of the earth.
Welcome to the show, we have a great one, a lot of great people are going to be on the
show, my name is Scott Ackerman of course, we have some incredible guests on the show,
coming up a little later we have a social media expert who gives tips, we have a punk
rocker, we have a visual artist of sorts in a way, and we also, you know, it wouldn't
be an anniversary episode if we didn't have a special musical guest, as Don Pardo said
on Saturday Night Live.
Please welcome Torko and Amy from Stars, the entire band stars, hi guys.
Hello world, hello America, hello people who like funny things.
All the ships at sea, so good to have you guys back on, it's a great pleasure sir.
The new record is called from Capelton Hill, is that how you pronounce it?
Correct, that's how you do it, where is Capelton Hill?
It's just like, it's a place I've gone every summer of my life, my mother went every summer,
it doesn't change, it never changes, like nothing ever, they can't ever build there because
there's so many crazy building laws, and all the shops are the same, and it never grows,
and it just never changes, and like everything changes, everything is so annoyingly changing
constantly, more often than not for the worse, and this, so from Capelton Hill it's just
the idea of like, there's a place that doesn't change, and it's in your head.
Well that's fantastic, you have this great new album, you're going to be doing songs
from the new record here for us, very special treat for our anniversary episode.
We are so excited to play here.
Is this the anniversary in the sense it's the first time you did a show was on this
date 14 years ago?
Yes, 13 years, well we're starting our 14th year so this is our 13th anniversary, yes.
So yeah.
Congratulations.
Thank you so much, yeah.
I mean you guys have been together longer.
I mean 22 years, yeah so obviously we're much better than you, but it's not a competition.
I think it is, I think it is.
If you win it's a competition, okay, I correct, but you guys are going to be here the entire
show doing songs for us, and we'll check back with you a little bit later.
But first let me introduce, he's been on the show now for a few years, he is a basketball
legend, he is a fellow broadcaster which is why I want him coming in here in A Block in
the co-host slot.
Please welcome back to the show Bill Walton, hello Bill.
Oh yeah, 13 and feeling me, Scotty Ops.
Turn down your phones everyone, turn down your phones.
Wow.
How are you Bill?
Oh what a fantastic day, what a fantastic 13th year, I cannot wait, I have already mangled
my microphone stand.
You spoke so loud the microphone stand broke, is that what happens?
An old cartoons when people sang opera glasses would shatter, when I speak microphone stands
go slightly awry.
This is one of the great anniversaries, is it not?
One of the best anniversaries.
He just set you up here.
One of the best we've ever seen from the silver anniversary, which is one of my favorites.
Let's see that to the...
I know we all need to help out, we all need to chip in, the anniversary party.
Oh yes, one of the great slow played marvels of theater.
Written by, I believe the fantastic, let me pull this name out real quick, he did betrayal.
He's not a house painter, but you take off a letter and he's...
House painter?
Oh I'm sorry, no in the painter word.
Oh yes, Herald Paint.
One of the great...
And we take a quick beat as the jokes would do if you're in the theater school.
Herald Painter, pause.
One of the great painters.
Yes, one of the great painters, but he did not paint houses, he painted emotional trauma
onto stage as played by some of the fantastic's, not...
Not Joel Gray of course.
One of the great grays!
From 50 shades of to...
To Zenatomy!
Did she play Michi?
Zenatomy is Michi!
Bill, it's so good to see you, it's great having you here, what have you been up to, can I?
Happy to be here, well we just exited March Madness, the commercials were on one this year,
I was loving the commercials, and we're into the NBA playoffs, and they didn't make any new ones,
so we're stuck with the old all-state and AT&T commercials that we've been watching on and on for days!
Are you broadcasting, are you announcing any of the games?
They will have me in the national games.
Oh, I'm so sorry, just the regionals.
Just the regionals, and I accept it as the fate of a man who challenges social norms on Mike.
Right, yeah, I mean are you out there wearing the tie-dye shirts and the...
Oh yeah, I'll wear tie-dye, I'll wear my bikini.
I'll wear my bikini, because you gotta show everybody that this is a fun thing we do basketball.
Yeah, basketball is fun, the game is fun, exactly.
The game is fun, it is meant to be joyful, it's just a few boys throwing a little round thing into a bigger round thing.
But as we've discussed earlier, the most orange ball, in sports?
Scott, did you see March Madness this year?
I missed all of March Madness, I didn't see it very...
You had the March Madness of your own, did you not?
Do you mean COVID?
Yes, you had the March Madness that now goes year-round for everyone.
But they made the ball orange-er this year.
I saw that, some people sent that to me, I was so excited.
The first thing I did is I called the TNT ColorCorrect guy and I said,
You bumped the orange just too much, bro.
And he said, I don't do ColorCorrect on live games.
And I said, am I a mistake?
What if there's a five-second delay so the person can constantly be ColorCorrected?
A fantastic suggestion, because if you watch something, if you go from the bright, beautiful courts of the Charlotte Hornets
and then you switch your TV over to the Brooklyn Nets, you feel like you went into a sepia game
and you need a little ColorCorrect and not confuse your little peepers.
Can it get even more orange is the question?
Because they've pumped it up almost as fur as they can go, as they say in Oklahoma.
To me, that's a Hadron Collider situation.
Yes.
Where do we want to touch the untouchable?
Do we want the ball to get so orange that the earth could be sucked unto itself inside of a Wilson basketball?
That's a good point.
Wilson!
Weird that it was a volleyball, but named Wilson.
Oh wait, but they make volleyball.
Is that what it was?
After the movie they had to start.
They're like, oh man, we're leaving money on the table.
Well Bill, it's so great to have you.
You're going to be my co-host, is that all right?
I know, my one, two, three, Scott Ox and Bill Walton.
So now, Bill, are you ready to bring on our first guest?
I would be happy to do that.
Okay, well, he is a visual artist and he works within the medium of bubbles.
Wow, if it's Kirby, I'm going to lose my damn shit.
Kirby, meaning your enthusiasm?
Oh.
Kirby, your enthusiasm.
I can't even say it the right way.
Wrong way.
No, Kirby, the little pink fat guy who, you might select him in Super Smash Bros.
Oh yes.
Right, right, right.
No, it's not that guy.
It's not Kirby.
No, I'm so sorry.
And I apologize to the listeners as well.
It's actually big chunky bubbles.
What a typical introduction from you.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Lucky 13.
Many hamburgers to you, of course.
Many hamburgers to you.
Big chunky bubbles.
Big chunky bubbles.
That's my name.
I feel like I haven't spoken to you since, perhaps, a live episode three years ago before
the pandemic.
I don't keep track of when I talk to you.
Surprise, surprise.
Who do you keep track of that you talk to?
Well, my wife, my kids.
Give me the stats on your wife's chats.
Well, you know she's past.
Oh, that's right.
What happened there?
I still talk to her.
Oh, I see.
Do you make a trip out to the graveyard or do you just do it around the house?
Oh, fuck.
Which answer would you like to make fun of more?
Mr. Sensitive.
I just find it interesting that most people, you know, they think that if they're not in
the graveyards, you know, like 10 feet radius of the actual.
How do you 10 feet?
What are you?
Who's feet?
Six feet.
Sorry.
Who's standing six feet away from the grave to talk to it?
I mean, meaning they're six feet down.
Six feet under, my dear boy.
Yeah, I get that.
One of the great series finales of all time, wouldn't you say, Scott?
Sure.
Six feet under.
Oh, from the end of Lost, which we all loved to the beginning of Lost, which was a finale
to my free time on Tuesday nights.
So big chunky bubbles.
How is your pandemic?
We haven't spoken since before.
How is my pandemic?
Yes.
What do you want me to ask you?
Have you gotten less good at interacting with people since quarantine?
You're trying to say that, of course, it was bad.
Of course it was.
Well, that's not strictly true.
It was actually pretty good for me.
So then it's a good question.
Shut up.
Why was it good for you, big chunky bubble?
Because I was, you don't have to say my whole stage name every time.
I'm sorry, PD.
You can call me PD.
That's my name.
Oh, yeah.
PD Amin.
PD Amin, yes.
PD, first of all, before we go into how your pandemic was, which I hear is pretty good.
For new listeners, you are an artist.
There can't be new listeners to this show.
No, we're just shedding listeners like the virus.
Like the uterine lining.
You are a person.
Why is that the first thing I think of when I hear the word shedding?
I don't have a period.
Why should I be thinking that?
Why does that rattle it around in your nose?
I don't like it.
Oh, big chunky.
Everyone should be sympathetic to the shedding of the uterine lining.
Yeah.
It affects at least half of the world's population.
Well, it affects the other half of when you can have sex or not.
And a little lesser about Scotty Boy.
Not for Bill Walton.
I'm in there a day and night shed or not.
It's not about sympathy.
It's just I don't want to think about it all the time.
All the time?
Well, when I hear the word shedding.
How many times are people saying shedding?
I don't know a lot.
I know a lot of people who have snakes.
Okay.
That's another thing that I want to talk to you about at some point, but not today.
Sure.
But you are an artist.
You perform at children's parties or just parties.
I'm a children's entertainer.
What distinction were you going to make?
I can't remember if you've performed at adult parties either,
but you simply do children parties.
I primarily at children's entertainer.
And you entertain them by making giant bubbles.
They're big chunky bubbles.
That's right.
That I make out of soups and stews.
Instead of soaps.
Instead of soaps.
And maybe there's a stews parallel as well.
Instead of soaps and so, stews?
I don't know.
You really don't.
You're making soups and stews.
Yes.
I'm making soups and stews.
Then I make bubbles from those soups and stews.
They are bigger and chunkier than any other bubble.
That's right.
And it doesn't...
I know it is.
It doesn't go well.
You've scalded how many...
Hey!
How many children have you scalded with?
I have never, well...
With your piping hot soups.
I have hardly ever scalded anyone.
Because I issue warnings at the top of the performance for people to stay back.
Also, I know what I'm doing.
It's my trade.
Right.
Yes.
So how many people?
How many children?
Five!
That's not bad for a whole career.
At one party or at five different parties?
At five?
At three different parties.
Three different parties.
So two at two of those parties.
You want me to give you the breakdown?
Yes, please.
Well, it would have to be two.
Two at one party.
Okay.
Two at another party.
Yeah.
One at the final party.
At another party.
Yeah, what I said.
Yeah, exactly.
At another party.
Congrats.
Did you say the final party?
Are you not doing this?
The final party where somebody got scalded.
I am still in business.
You are.
Yes.
So tell me about the pandemic.
What happened?
Why was it so great for you?
Well, at the wet markets in Wuhan.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
Wait, how much do you know?
Zero.
I mean, I know that the pandemic, they say it started there.
Well, the thing about wet markets is there's a lot of bubbles and bubbles pop.
I didn't think about that.
No, whatever it is.
So you were there.
No.
No.
What happened?
What do you mean?
Do you not know anything about the pandemic?
I was thinking that you were saying you were the person who brought it over here to the
state.
Why would I?
Hey, let's say I was.
Why would I tell anyone?
So what are you trying to say?
I thought you were just completely ignorant of what happened.
Oh, I think you were going all the way back.
Yes.
God damn it.
I hate you.
I hate you too.
Why did you come here?
I don't.
When you know it makes things hard for you?
Because I'm trying to promote my business.
Always, always be promoting.
But on the first three episodes.
All right.
I figure maybe other people will be checking back in.
They haven't listened in a while.
They're like, did it get me better?
So why was it good for you?
Because of Zoom.
I was doing so many Zoom shows.
It's so much easier because I don't have to go to somebody's house and set up my
terrines and pots, and I can just do it in my own home.
That's right.
And there is no fear of injury when it's over Zoom other than to yourself.
Yes.
And as you know, my arms are completely burned.
Yes.
What are you wearing over them today, by the way?
A shirt.
Sometimes, didn't you have those long fingerless gloves as well?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Did they make those fingerless, those long sexy gloves in fingerless?
Like opera gloves?
No.
I'm thinking of when you're a dancer, sometimes they would take leg warmers and put them
around their arms.
Why would I do that?
Because you're an entertainer.
That was almost hurtful.
Why would I do that?
How many things are almost hurtful in the world?
How many things are almost hurtful?
More than you think.
Yeah.
Stefan is one.
That's true.
Steffi Graf, almost hurtful.
Almost hurtful.
Yeah, just two steps removed.
So you were doing Zooms and were you getting a lot of them?
Yes, people were bored out of their minds.
And word got around.
I briefly went viral in Turkey.
Wow.
I have a lot of Turkish fans.
Okay.
So you did a lot of work over the pandemic.
This is great.
But now that it's, I mean, I don't want to say it's winding down necessarily, but we
were back in the studio and people aren't doing, I know that people aren't doing as many Zooms
as they did that first couple of months.
Are you still, are you getting out there and doing them in person?
I am doing some in-person shows, of course, with the distance that I require.
It makes it a little more, it makes the show less fun because people are so far away.
They can't really get the full range of the bubbles that I'm making.
Yeah.
How far away do people need to be?
60 feet.
60 feet away.
That seems, it's, yeah.
That was the, that was the recommendation.
60 feet.
So yeah, I mean, other than if you were to supply every party goer with an iPad and you
were live streaming it from your own camera or something like that.
Why wouldn't I just give them binoculars?
That's cheaper.
Maybe you have a bunch of iPads lying around, but I don't.
I actually do.
That's my other show.
Well, that's fantastic.
I'm not one of these out of touch entertainers.
Right, yeah.
I know how much milk costs.
How much does it cost?
$10.
For how much?
For a lot.
I have to buy a lot of milk to make some of my stews and chowders.
That's right.
And you're making them from scratch.
You're not just buying them out of the can.
I make them all from scratch and look, you're not supposed to eat them, the ones that I
make.
Right, because they're, they're more viscous or.
They're designed for, for show biz.
They're not designed for taste or nutrition.
Right.
And are these your own recipes or are these passed down to you?
Some are mine.
Some are my grandmothers.
Really?
Who is Grandmother Bubbles or Grandmother Amin?
Grandmama Amin.
Grandmama Amin.
Yes.
That's what we would call her.
Oh.
My other grandma was named Mrs. Doubtfire.
Oh, really?
No relation.
To who?
To the movie.
Oh, well.
Based on a book.
Did you know that?
By Sapphire?
Mrs. Doubtfire.
Based on the novel.
By Sapphire.
I found out that was based on a book and it blew my mind.
Crazy.
What was the book?
Yeah.
I hope that Robin Williams still did five minutes of impressions of cartoons at the top.
Yes.
Where they've already animated the entire cartoon and then he has to come in and do the voice.
And they say, stop improvising.
We've already done the cartoon.
And he still doesn't get it even though it's his job.
So, congratulations.
I mean, the fact that you went viral with these non-edible soups.
Is that ever a problem where someone eats a soup after a bubble pops and you're like,
no, no, no, you're not supposed to.
After a bubble pops and you think they're gasping at the air like a fish on the land.
I can only imagine that the drive-thru.
Yeah.
And you're like, no, no, no.
You're not supposed to.
After a bubble pops and you think they're gasping at the air like a fish on the land.
I can only imagine that the droplets fly out much like the COVID droplets fly in our shed.
Well, thankfully I've stopped using bat in all my recipes.
Oh, yes.
Okay.
Yeah, there was a period.
For Halloween, I wouldn't make a bat chowder.
Well, big chunky bubbles.
It's a pleasure to have.
You're already winding down.
Why do you?
What else do you have?
What else do I have?
We went through so many detours thanks to you talking about my grandmothers.
Let's get to what you want to get to.
That's what I'm trying to get to.
I want to let people know I've started doing shows for grown-ups.
Yes!
What?
Yes!
This is unprecedented.
You've never done this.
That's right, Bill.
If you come to one of my shows, I'll make sure to stack up eight regular chairs for you to sit on.
Oh, baby, baby!
I gotta say, edible or not, those soups are going in my mouth the second the bubbles are here.
No, no!
Yes, sir!
Try and stop me.
Well, I've started making new bubbles that...
New shapes of bubbles?
New shapes that are only suitable for adults.
These are a little salty.
Boy!
Well, they're definitely salty.
I mean...
Your soups are.
I don't know why I still season them.
I don't need to.
Yeah, since they're not edible.
But what shapes are the mind's reels when I think about it?
Well, I mean, you can imagine some of them, right?
Like giant balls?
Yes.
I mean, most bubbles look like giant testicles.
Two together.
Two together.
But the secret is you can't have them interlock, because that's just two bubbles that are interlocking.
You have to make it...
The two bubbles have the same relationship to each other that human testicles would.
Right.
Okay, do you ever do just one ball and you're like, this is Hitler, and you get a big laugh?
Why would I ever introduce Hitler into the show?
Because you're a weirdo, BCB.
I'm a weirdo?
I haven't mentioned Hitler to you once.
Seems a little weird, like you're a denier or something.
Of what?
Of Hitler?
You think it would have come up?
Hitler never existed.
No, of the Holocaust.
There's no such guy.
He's like Jeepers Creepers or whatever.
Well, that's incredible, and how have they been going over?
Is the purpose of this to titillate and to make people, I don't know how else to say it,
but horny while they are watching your show?
I mean, that's not the purpose.
To me, it's no different from a great painting of the human form.
It's not supposed to make you what you said.
It's supposed to make you appreciate art, but unfortunately, that is not the case,
and it makes people very around.
Really?
Yes.
This is like an aphrodisiac, though.
I mean, I guess in the way that pornography is.
Yeah.
Pornography is maybe the best aphrodisiac.
It's number one with a bullet.
Well, this, look, I'm not telling you how to market things, but I think you could do
something to them.
I think you could sell this to people who want to start an orgy, people in the lifestyle,
people who want to do a sex party, you know?
What do you mean sell it to them, like a kit?
No, no, meaning you go perform this to them, and then that gets them in the mood,
and then everyone just starts taking it.
Now, I know you think you have an idea of what an orgy is and who's going to be there.
I have a vague one.
Yeah, but let me tell you something.
In reality, you don't want to go to one of those things.
Really?
Really?
Thank you, buttholes.
Thank you, Bill.
I appreciate that.
Are there non-butthole orgy's where you're like, okay, everyone just cover your buttholes.
What are you, we don't want to see you.
Are you talking like the cat's cut?
Yeah, exactly.
Non-butthole orgy's.
Like everyone just put a patch over those.
Like a sign at the door?
Yeah, exactly.
Where are you, Quincy Jones?
Remember, we are the world.
Yes, maybe already goes at the door.
Maybe already goes at the door.
Do you think anyone did?
I don't know.
I mean, it seemed like everyone had a good time.
We're talking about that we are the world video, by the way.
Oh, yeah.
What are the great bring-togethers of all the big celebs?
From live aid to a butthole-less party.
So what has happened at these parties?
People just get too turned on and an orgy breaks out?
Is that what you're...
An orgy breaks out, but certainly people start to neck.
I don't think that's the worst thing in the world at an adult party.
It is when you're trying to perform a show and nobody's paying attention.
I guess so.
I also disagree.
I think people necking around me is worse than if they just started fucking.
Like, what's going on?
There is something that's gross about people really kissing each other.
You're just standing there and they're going at it.
Yeah, kissing like you kiss in the first three months of your relationship
and then you never do again?
Never again.
Although my wife and I, we kissed passionately for the entirety of our life together.
I'm so sorry.
How did she pass away again?
I don't remember.
I sort of remember it was...
I think it was my fault.
I think it was a stew.
It was a stew-related death.
That means you've properly grieved.
If you can forget how your loved one died, it means it's not...
One day you'll realize you've just forgotten how she died.
Shut up!
Of course, I saw the miserable children we've made together.
How old are they now?
Robbie, Bobby, and Tag.
Oh, right, Tag.
Tag was the youngest, is that right?
Yeah, he was in an accident.
Oh, right.
Sorry, a surprise.
And how old are they now?
Because I haven't seen you in three years, I think.
They're three years older than before.
Okay, great.
Congratulations to you.
Thanks.
Have they gone to college or anything like that?
None.
Are they of age, though?
No.
Oh, okay.
I'm not going to tell you they're age.
I know you.
What do you think I'm going to do with them?
You're going to make fun of their ages.
I'll never tell.
Who are you?
Brittany Murphy?
Every...
I'll never tell.
I remember that.
That's the only thing I remember from that movie.
I don't think I saw it.
Scott hasn't seen it.
Oh, I saw it.
Oh, you did?
Really?
I couldn't even tell you the name of it.
I feel like it's an O word?
I don't know.
It's not gothica, but it looked like gothica.
It was around the same time.
Yeah, that font.
Oh, yeah, gothica, Halle Berry.
Yeah, with a beautiful cover of behind blue eyes from Fred Durst and Company.
Oh, why?
You're a Durst fan?
Oh, are you kidding me?
One of the great friends of all time from Scooby's best friend to E. Mercury.
Was that his name, Fred E. Mercury?
Yes.
I've been saying it wrong this whole time.
Yes, you shall find E. Newman's brother.
Oh, really?
He's also one of the great Durst of all time from the San Francisco comedian Will to murderer
Robert.
Yes, one kills on stage and the other kills anyone who found out that they killed before.
And one kills someone's hopes of getting the million dollar prize on who wants to be a
millionaire.
Oh, was that?
That was Will Durst.
Okay, Will Durst, yeah.
He gave the wrong answer.
So confident, too.
As a phono friend.
Well, Robert Durst used to go to those and always do the wrong answer in the ask the audience.
He was such a fucker.
That's the worst thing he ever did, right?
Ask them all, of course.
Well, P.D., now I'm winding down?
Is that all right?
Yeah, sure.
All right, we have some other guests.
Listen, I want everyone to know I'm doing these shows at American Legion halls across the
country.
Only American Legion halls.
Only at American Legion halls.
Is that a budgetary issue or are you just-
What are you trying to say?
Nothing, sir.
Oh, I like this.
Is this how you would prefer to be talked to, sir?
I don't hate it.
Well, don't get used to it.
I did immediately.
Yeah.
We have to get some other guests.
Can you- I hate to say this, but can you stick around?
I have to.
You have to, for what reason?
I call a rideshare service and they won't be here for another two hours.
Oh, no!
Which one is this?
It's- you've heard of Uber Pool?
Sure, yeah.
This is Uber Bus.
Oh, God, they're picking up a lot of people.
They're picking up a lot of people.
They're picking up a lot of people.
And you're at the tail end.
Yeah.
It's better than being at the front end, right?
I like riding on the bus.
I'm talking about a human centipede.
Well, you certainly changed it up in a hurry.
Because we weren't talking about that before.
Anyway, I'm sorry I'm so weird in not bringing up Hitler and human centipedes.
All right, well, let's get to our next guest.
Good.
I talked about her at the top of the show.
She's a social media expert.
She's here to give us some tips.
Please welcome back to the show Francesca Bolognese.
Hello, Scott.
Hey, Francesca.
Hello.
Happy to be here.
Oh, my God.
So great to have you.
Just kidding.
I got your stupid email.
You wanted me to come begging me.
Oh, please, please.
Come on, the podcast.
It's a big important anniversary.
We need a woman.
I'm now really regretting having two specific people up at the top of the show.
I think she's dynamite.
And I have to say it's been a very typical podcast so far.
You talk about RG, you talk about Dinosaur.
When white men get together.
That's what happens when body starts laughing.
Hitler.
From doing the wild thing.
What are you doing?
Tonelook's wild thing.
Tonelook.
One of the greatest tones.
Oh, yes.
From Polly Walnut's friend to Tom Hanks production company play.
Oh, yes.
Very good.
Thank you.
Francesca, it's so good to see you.
You're a social media expert.
You give tips to people on how to...
Wow, wow, wow.
How many times I have to tell you I'm not an expert and I don't give a tip.
Oh, I guess one more because I thought that was what your whole thing was,
was you go around giving tips to people.
No tip.
No tip.
I guess I am an expert sort of because I work in social media or I did for a long time.
And now I specifically work for Bed, Bed and Beyond the corporation.
Oh, Incorporate.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
If you remember the other time I was on, I tell you that I work a different job for
Bed, Bed and Beyond the...
Yeah, slightly, yeah.
You don't remember?
I semi-zone out every time you talk.
I have to admit, so...
But it's so nice.
Oh my God, he admitted.
Thank you, Tim.
Now, a lot of people are just the tip.
You're the opposite.
Not to bring it back to the punitive.
Oh my God.
We're talking about dick all the time.
Yeah, we're going to talk about dick sometimes.
Yeah, let's talk about small all your dickies.
Your dickies.
Oh, did you pull my pants right now?
Your dickies are pretty small.
Well, yeah, it's podcast dick.
It gets smaller when you're potting.
Everyone knows that.
We're talking about penises on the show because it's the 13th anniversary.
And if you take a 13 and you tilt it 90 degrees to the left, it looks like a penis head.
I guess so.
Okay, okay.
So, yeah, so you can see how...
Everybody just took a break to draw a 13 and tilt their necks.
I guess.
You know, I was prepared to talk about dick, so it's fine.
Oh, okay, good.
So, how is Bed, Bath and Beyond corporate working out for you?
I mean, that's such a great step up for you, isn't it?
Well, so, you know, they basically have me in different things.
So, last time I work at a high school for Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Oh, right, yeah.
I work in other facets for Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Most recently, though, they give me the motion and now I work in the store.
No!
In the store!
In the store!
In the brick and mortar!
No!
I work in the store!
No, this is terrible.
It's the worst job I could ever imagine for myself.
What did you do to get the demotion?
Well, they say that I was a too mean to people.
Oh, that can't be true.
Online and at the high school.
And the other job I had that I don't remember.
Right.
I was not very nice.
So, they say, okay, they demote, demote, demote, demote.
And then I end up at the store!
No!
No!
So, this is terrible.
I mean, I don't know that that's the right move on Bed, Bath and Beyond's part.
You treat people so poorly, they're going to put you out there in customer service.
So, is that what you're doing?
You're in front of house?
I am in front of house.
I show people where the towels are.
Is that the number one thing people want to know?
They walk in and go, where are the towels?
Like, I don't want to go through your whole maze of this Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Just point me right to the towels.
I'm sopping wet.
Yes.
They go, I am so wet, I went to the beach.
Where is the towels?
I go, look at the stupid fucking little signs.
I'll six assays towels, you stupid fucking bitch.
Oh my God.
Why you know?
People fall down the cave and die alone at the bottom of the cave.
Oh man, that would be a horrible death.
What about where they shot Click?
Does anyone want to know where they shot the scenes from the movie Click where he goes into the Beyond section and sees Christopher walk in?
I never see the movie.
It must be because you're foreign, because Click is huge here.
Yeah, they don't show that in your training at all?
The entirety of the movie Click?
No, for the training, they basically have us go, just stand in the stock room for 15, 25 hours.
Really?
Stand up straight.
They want to know how long the shift you can work.
Oh, okay.
This is a standard practice for American corporation.
Right.
Where did you tap out at what hour?
I made it a two hour.
Two hours, really?
So you can only do two hour shifts?
Yeah, I only do two hour shifts.
Can I take a nap in one of the dog bed?
Oh, okay.
Right there in front of it where the customers can see you.
Does that count as the bed part or the beyond part?
That is a beyond part.
That's beyond.
Oh, shit.
Bill, are you all right?
Well, a dog bed is beyond.
I mean, beds in the name.
Oh, shit.
I'm shocked.
If a dog walked in there, do you think the dog would go to the bed part looking for a dog man?
I don't know.
If a stupid fucking dog come in, I don't know where the little dog is.
I don't know where the little dog walk to, but I would say it's not going to be much smarter than another human coming in and walking around.
So probably just aimlessly wander around for two and a half hour.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Yeah.
So what else is in the beyond part?
I've never realized, because I go in there and I can see the towels.
I can see the bedding.
I can see everything that goes in the bathroom.
But then like, I'm just confused as to what the beyond is.
It's a lot of all different type of thing.
We have a purses.
Pencil sharpeners?
Pencil sharpener.
We have eraser too.
That's new.
Erasers are new for Beth and beyond this season.
Yeah, this is a brand new.
Very exciting stuff.
Are they like general erasers or is it like Soda Stream or Keurig is making erasers now?
Yes, it's a lot of different companies getting into different things.
Getting into the eraser game.
So like a big pen.
Who do they think they are?
David Lynch?
Or Arnold Schwarzenegger and Vanessa Williams?
Big pen make a bra.
Oh, because of eraser head.
I got it.
I wish I could click my butt way back about 30 seconds.
What did you just say?
I said a big pen.
Big pen makes bras?
Big pen makes bra, because if you remember, big pen make a pen for her.
You remember?
Oh, yes.
I love them.
Very cool.
What was the difference?
It was slightly thinner?
Is that what it was?
Yes, it was very skinny.
Very weak.
Very weak pen.
Very pink.
To imply that hey, I'm not going to be writing anything important with this.
Exactly.
Just for writing Aaron's short little thing on a post-it.
A note on your husband's lunch bag.
Yeah, grocery list.
People go think women write.
Right, right.
So now they start making bras.
Yeah, they make a bra for her.
Wow.
I know.
It's crazy.
You are freaking out, Francesca.
Well, this is the main thing, though.
Now that I work at the store, I make not a lot of money.
And the manager is a fucking asshole.
Make me do, make me be nice to people for the first time in my life.
I have to be polite.
Or else what?
Or else, I don't know.
But then beyond, demote me again.
Yeah, I mean, what's even lower than the store?
I mean, like...
The bathroom.
Oh, God, that would be horrible.
Just the work at the bathroom.
Cleaning toilets?
No, just hang out in the bathroom.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that would be the worst.
Make sure that everybody going properly.
Which location?
Which location are you at?
Wait, hold on.
So people use the bathroom and then you watch them?
I just hang out in a public restroom at the corporation.
Make sure everybody battle movements going pleasantly.
How do you do this?
Is it like a check-in?
I never do this, by the way.
Oh, okay.
I have not been demoted to this, but these are here.
And when you were working there, I'm sure there were people there who...
Oh, yeah, when I go to the bathroom, everybody would say,
everything okay?
Oh, my God.
Are you sure this is a paid position or just other employees asking
if your particular shits are going well?
I don't know.
But I think it is a paid position.
Do you make weird noises when you...
Then I go...
People go shit.
Well, most people do it silently.
Like, it doesn't cause that much...
Silently.
It's just a silent...
Perfect silence.
I bet you're quiet when you have sex, too.
I bet you're fucking silent.
You don't have to be when you have sex.
But when you're shitting, it is a little weird to be like,
ah!
Okay, well...
I don't know.
Which location are you at?
Can you say?
Yes, I am at a bit better than me on the Hollywood.
Oh, wow.
You're really freaking out.
The one on Vine?
Yes!
Ah!
Every detail is frightening to you.
Wow.
What's the worst customer interaction you've had?
Well, I think because I had to be nice to this one girl.
Her name was Jenny.
And she came in, she said,
Hello, my name is Jenny.
I'm looking for air purifier.
I say, well, okay, Jenny.
Why not go to the aisle with the air purifier?
See, it's been very nice.
Yeah, okay.
I say, why you now walk to aisle five
where you find the air purifier?
She walk over, she can't find it still.
She says, excuse me, excuse me.
Where is the air purifier?
I cannot find it.
And then I say, listen to me, little stupid little bitch.
Why don't you drown yourself in a blender?
No, chop up your head.
Oh, no.
First drowning and then having your head chopped off.
Yes.
Wow, that's a terrible way to go.
Make a smoothie out of your head.
Oh, God.
Francesca.
Yes.
Have you seen the HBO series My Brilliant Friend?
No.
You remind me of this one character, Leela.
She's so mean.
Oh, my gosh, thank you.
But it's unclear whether or not she is the brilliant friend
or her friend, Lanue, is the brilliant friend of her.
You have a lot of free time to watch this HBO show.
Why is that?
People watch TV shows.
Still, like an entire season of one?
Are you saying because it's in another language
and that's impossible for you to imagine?
No, I didn't realize it was another language
because I haven't had time to watch it.
Have you watched Old Enough?
I've one episode.
Best show of all time.
It doesn't seem like a show that you would enjoy, Francesca.
I have to say.
I like to watch A Little Kid.
Yeah.
Because it's before they become a super stupid.
Right.
Right on the cusp.
And they're about as tall as you because aren't you four?
Yes, I'm one foot.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, I forgot.
Well, Francesca, thank you for being here.
It's great to have you.
I'm so sorry that you've been demoted.
It sounds like your life has been going horribly.
The stores are back open.
So you have a lot of time to be talking to these people
that you detest so much.
Yes.
Well, I'm happy to be here to help you out.
Your podcast.
It's OK.
We needed a woman.
So I appreciate it.
You're welcome.
Well, can you stick around?
We have another guest we have to get to.
Yes, I guess.
OK.
Well, he is, I don't know.
And you know, this is...
Why don't you ask people if they can stick around?
Because a lot of times people think that they,
whenever the interview is done, they just get up
and they just turn around.
Why don't you tell them beforehand,
take care of that housekeeping off my...
Why don't you get your own fucking podcast?
Maybe I will.
Oh, God, I'd love to see the numbers on that.
Oh, I bet you would.
So anyone can stand and listen to your voice
for more than five seconds.
Hey.
Hey, what?
That went a little far.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it's more personal than we ever did.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Petey.
I can't control the way I sound.
I'm sorry, Petey.
I don't mean to come at you about things you can't control.
I'm sorry, too.
You can control your weight, though.
You're super fat.
I used to be really thin.
Remember that?
I was shredded.
That was part of me.
But now, apparently, I'm this.
We have to get to our next guest.
And a lot of times on these anniversary shows,
we have returning favorites,
but I don't know anything about this person.
I just have a name.
He's just walked in.
Please welcome Richie Castlebaum.
Thanks.
Thanks for having me.
I bet you know a lot about my dad,
because he's put so many excellent legendary characters
into the CBB canon.
Oh, no.
Rich Castlebaum, one of the legends of comedy bang bang
early days.
Oh, wait, you're Rich Castlebaum's son?
I'm his son.
Whoa.
Okay.
I guess you could call me a legacy character.
He couldn't be here today, so I'm here in his place
to talk about some of his legendary characters.
Yeah, what happened to him?
I mean, he was on so many times in the early years,
and then just stopped booking him?
What happened?
No, he just got so big on his own that he just,
he went off, you know?
Right.
And then he came groveling back,
and you said, fuck off.
I haven't heard from you in a couple of years.
I sort of remember that.
Yeah, you got too big,
and then something happened to his career,
and he had more time.
Yeah, it was one of the early Snapchat viral videos.
Someone filmed you from across the street being,
fuck off.
You think you're too good for me?
Right, yeah.
Fuck off, Rick.
I sort of remember that, yeah.
Yeah.
But hey, it's great to have you on the show, I mean.
Hey, it's great to be here with such legends of the game.
Are you a comedian as well?
No, absolutely not.
I did get a development deal from Warner Brothers
through my dad, but no, I'm not a comedian at all.
Awesome.
Right.
What was that, a first look deal, a blind deal,
blind script?
What was it?
A first look and a blind script?
The first look and a blind script deal?
Wow.
It's called first look, it's about blind people.
It's capitalizing on CODA.
It's the CODA wave right now.
Right, yeah.
So it feels like they were like, this sounds like Oscar Bate,
you're on.
Right, you're fired.
So what is it?
Like CODA is all about a girl who sings in her family who is hearing impaired,
can't hear her.
What is this for blind people?
It's the exact same thing, but for blind people.
Oh, singing too?
No, no, no.
It's someone watching a concert and they're there with their blind parents
and they're just narrating what's happening.
Oh, but I mean, at a concert, people are just kind of standing there playing their
instruments.
It doesn't seem like it's as big of a tragedy or at least ironic as CODA.
You've never been blind.
We got you.
I can close my eyes though and it's practically the same thing.
No, it's not the same thing because then you have visions that you've already seen before.
I didn't come here to talk about my development deal.
I came here to talk about my dad and his awesome character.
The amount of times that sentence has been said on comedy bang bang.
I mean, Scott constantly trying to talk to business when we're trying to talk family.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm sorry, yes.
I found the opposite.
Some of my dad's classic characters, like Mr. Fiddledy Diddledy, who used to go,
so like some just a nice boy, how do you like your coffee?
Oh yeah, I remember that guy.
The biggest characters from early CD.
Only one episode, but yeah.
That was his thing.
We only did one episode and then people talked about it forever.
Right, right.
What else did he do?
I did Pearl S. Wisdom.
In your future, I'm seeing a bunch of bullshit.
Wow, that was such a good impression.
I remember that episode.
The early years, yeah, were really different.
Yeah.
Where were they?
I don't know.
They were exactly the same.
Then you'd be like, I hate your guts.
Why did you come on the show?
Right, yeah.
Exactly.
What else?
I mean, those were two big characters.
I'm shocked you want to hear more.
Sure, why not?
Oh, okay.
He did Sufjan Stevens.
What fucking state are you from?
He's from New York, that's better.
I don't know, who knows.
He claims to be from every state.
This was like the 80s when every standup was getting a sitcom.
Yes.
This was the early Cody Bang Bang where everyone wanted a catchphrase, right?
And your dad would come on and try out his catchphrases.
A lot of people had catchphrases on the show in the early years,
in the first couple especially.
He had a big strategy.
He was like, I come on, I get my catchphrase on there,
and then I become a legend.
Right, yeah.
And he did have these catchphrases that you said.
And he is a legend.
Although, to be honest, I don't really remember him.
I've been sort of saying like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I don't really remember him being on.
That's ice cold.
That's ice cold.
I mean, it was 13 years ago.
Do you remember what you had for breakfast, you know, in 2009?
Yeah, but I have the same breakfast every day.
Greek yogurt with berries and cashews.
So yeah, I do know what I had for breakfast 13 years ago.
Okay, I stand corrected.
Wow, an early adopter of the Greek yogurt trend.
Or were you in Europe or Greece?
Yeah, 13 years ago I was living in Greece.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Doing what?
Just cashing in my dad's checks.
Yeah, why?
Okay, and he's rich, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
See, this is the thing.
You're pretending you don't know his whole career.
Yeah, it's good to hear jealous.
Yeah, I mean, the Green Eyed Monster,
it attacks us all, does it not?
Mostly you.
Shut the fuck up.
Fuck you, shut the fuck up.
This is my fucking show, that's why.
Fuck you.
Fuck you?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you?
No, fuck you.
Fuck you?
No, fuck you.
Oh, gosh, this is classic stuff.
This is classic stuff.
Do you have anyone can get fucked?
Do you have any more?
Sure.
And you catch phrase born before my eyes.
Everybody can get fucked.
Do you have any more characters you want to talk about,
or are you...
My dad's characters?
Yeah, I mean, you keep pulling up your phone
like you have a long, long list of them,
but it could just be three characters long.
No, no, no, no.
We're closing in on the end.
It used to do...
I took a peek.
I scrolled to the bottom,
Danny fuck sticks, I can't be under arrest,
I was just fucking these two sticks.
Okay.
But those were his catch phrases, you know?
The characters were as rich and deep
as anything in modern American literature.
Right, and why don't you do characters?
I mean, you've been doing these voices,
good impressions from what I understood.
Oh, no, I can only do the catch phrases.
I can't sustain any kind of character voice
for more than, I don't know, one or two sentences.
Right, and you've always talked like this?
Yep, this is how I sound.
Right out of the womb, I was like,
thanks, Doc.
It was a little cold in here.
Send me back into the womb.
You know?
I'm not willing to hear this.
I am an inspirer.
I am a man who brings the greatness out of men.
You've got a great character in you,
Mr. Castle Bottom.
Thank you, Bill.
We're gonna rip it out.
Let's rip it out of it.
We're gonna rip it out of you.
Like the uterine lining.
Let's see it shed.
Stop talking about uterus.
Every single one of you bring up a vagina
at some point already.
No dicks, no vaginas, no hitlers.
It's cancel culture all over the place.
Are you scared of cancel culture being a thing
or not being a thing?
I am scared of me being canceled personally.
Yeah.
Because of your personality.
Yeah.
But I'm a whole.
I think everybody gets canceled.
Everybody's so stupid.
Right.
I mean, you're one of those people who would be canceled
not because you said anything offensive necessarily,
but just because of your whole thing.
Yeah.
It'd be like rumors over the course of many years
that I am a terrible person.
Right.
The damn just breaks.
Like an Allen, Jimmy Fallon.
Or other Allens.
Allen.
Allen.
Two of the great Allens.
From Allen to Jimmy Fallon.
From a person's project to a non.
One of the great Anons from Allen on to QAnon.
Yes, so some of the scariest Anons out there
are the QAnons, aren't they?
Ruinning a whole letter of the alphabet
for the rest of us.
Yeah.
Let's get this character out of you, Richie,
as I look down at the page.
Let's get this character out of you.
I don't know.
Just throw out a name.
Any name.
Harry.
Harry.
Not bad.
Okay.
Nice layup to start it off.
Yeah.
Okay, Harry.
And what does he do for a living?
Let's say he's a carpenter.
Carpenter.
His last name's drawers.
Harry drawers.
Harry drawers.
This is good.
Because a carpenter would probably make some drawers
in some sort of a furniture thing.
Or, you know, at the end, when you open the drawers,
the chest, there's a bunch of hair inside, though.
Oh, that's true.
Wow.
Interesting.
I'm pulling stuff from my subconscious
because I'm such a huge fan.
Yeah, are you working her side of the street
a little too much, though?
Like, are you getting...
Are you feeling like he's...
Are you saying we're both hookers?
What do you say?
What do you imply?
No, I just mean, like, is that too close to what you do?
It's a little close, but at this point,
whatever you need, buddy, I got your back.
Okay, great.
I don't think a carpenter has anything to do.
Just kidding.
No, it's the hairy part, I think, is what she's...
I'm so intending...
Oh, the hairy part.
No, but that's the name.
I thought you was just kidding
about having your back.
Is that right?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
That's what I thought.
Let's do this.
Okay, so, please welcome to the show, hairy drawers.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Thanks for having me.
I just got here from my wood shop.
Why are you talking like that, Harry?
That's your dad's...
That's your dad's...
That's Shangy from Scooby-Doo.
Oh, yeah, I knew it wasn't me.
Well, it wasn't him.
If I heard you in the Bed and Beyond bathroom,
I would be like,
oh, my God, we need to call the ambulance.
Yeah, why do you talk like that, Harry?
Um, because I'm just a nice guy.
Bill, I don't know.
I love this guy.
This guy's got legs, he's got a voice,
he's got a double entendre.
Throw it down, big man, one time!
Yeah, I don't know.
I want Richie back.
Yeah, I got a bail on the guy.
It's just not my thing.
I got two sentences in and I got self-conscious.
Yeah, yeah, maybe, yeah, you're not ready for it.
No, that's okay.
I don't like the not ready for primetime players.
Hey, great, those are some of the most famous people
in the country right now.
Well, Richie, I thank you for being here.
Now, I'm gonna ask you this, can you stick around?
Absolutely not.
Someone else coming in?
Or are you just leaving?
No, I got a bail.
I absolutely got a bail.
Okay, I get it, I understand.
But we also, we need to take a break.
We need to do our form of bailing,
which is to take a break.
But before we do that,
we're going to be hearing a song from the band Stars.
Stars is here, the new album from Capelton Hill.
All right, so now let's go to them.
Stars, are you ready?
We are.
We are gonna play you.
We're ready.
It's called Build a Fire.
Build a Fire.
Now, is this about the television show Survivor,
about the fire challenges?
It actually sort of is.
It's about paranoia and capitalist threat
and fear of death.
So yes, it is about the television show Survivor.
You're describing all of my favorite songs right now.
You nailed it, Scott.
All right, well, let's hear it.
This is Stars.
Hit it, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Stars.
Put away the past and you try to go to sleep.
Time to build a fire.
Time to light it up.
Time to let it burn brighter than it's time to stop.
And then it's time to start.
I never knew you could be that way.
I never knew you would hurt me.
I never knew you could be that way.
I never knew you would hurt me.
In the empty city again.
Waiting for your passport.
Running from your friends.
Outside they're burning down the past.
They're dreaming in their sleep.
If they think it's gonna last.
The night goes 90 miles an hour.
Terrifying dawn is unfolding like a flower.
They live a life of quiet despair.
It turns to pull you in.
But they never find you there.
They never find you there.
I never knew you could be that way.
I never knew you would hurt me.
I never knew you could be that way.
I never knew you would hurt me.
I never knew you could be that way.
I never knew you would hurt me.
I never knew you could be that way.
I never knew you would hurt me, hurt me.
It's time to build a fire.
Time to light it up.
Time to let it burn.
Man, it's time to stop.
Time to build a fire.
Time to light it up.
Time to let it burn.
Man, it's time to stop.
Time to feed the fire.
Time to fill your cup.
And heat eats everything.
Man, it's never gonna stop.
Time to feed the fire.
Time to fill your cup.
The world will keep on turning.
It's never gonna stop.
It's never gonna stop.
It's never gonna stop.
It's never gonna stop.
I never knew you could be that way.
I never knew you could be that way.
Very good. We're gonna take a break.
We're gonna be right back.
More 13th anniversary comedy bang bang after this.
Comedy bang bang 13th anniversary episode.
We are back.
We have, let's see, Bill Walton is here.
Of course.
Wama-bama.
Wama-bama. Of course he's trying new things out.
Wama-bama.
We also have big chunky bubbles is here.
Do you want to say wama-bama?
I said it.
I know, but you could share it.
You want me to say it again?
Yeah, I'd like to hear it.
Every succeeding person has to say it one more time
than the previous person.
Another thing could have been taken care of off mic.
Wama-bama.
Thank you.
Francesca Bolognese is here three times for you, please.
It's me.
Screaming is a new thing, but say wama-bama three times.
Wama-bama.
Okay, thank you.
Two more and wama-bama appears.
Oh no, what happens when he shows up?
Or she.
Did they fight chumbawamba?
And someone gets knocked down, my friend.
Then what happens?
They get up again.
And Richie Castlebomb took off, so no big loss there.
And of course we have stars here
all the way from Montreal.
Oh, it's a pleasure and an honor.
Happy anniversary.
And now we have a returning
favorite here.
He is a
he's a clergy person
in the ministry
trying to get out there
and save people.
And also
an enthusiast of a certain type of food.
Please welcome back to the show
Pasta Pasta.
Pasta Pasta, sorry.
I could never know how,
never quite remember how to pronounce it.
And you say it like my
everybody is separate.
Also an enthusiast of pasta.
But I'm an enthusiast
because I'm a pasta.
What is that track for you, Scott?
I suppose so, yes.
And I apologize, I didn't mean to offend you.
But all God's people said fusilli.
Fusilli.
Now for those of you who haven't heard
Pasta Pasta. What the hell are you doing?
Yeah, go back and just pause this one.
For those of you who haven't heard, pause the episode
and go back and listen to the others.
Basically, you are a minister who also enjoys pasta.
Scott, why are you acting like you don't know?
Scott, I didn't come here
to be antagonistic with you.
Of course you didn't.
But it seems inevitable.
Why are you got to act confused about my identity?
I'm not confused.
Or am I getting the facts wrong?
You're getting the facts wrong.
You tell me. What am I not saying?
I love pasta.
I'm also a pasta.
Who preaches about pasta.
Yes, it's full circle.
Are you doing this on Sundays?
I don't know if we've ever talked about what day you're out there.
Sundays, Saturdays.
Sometimes Wednesdays.
Sometimes Wednesdays.
Other days I rest.
That's a lot of time off.
On the other four days he rested.
I have always thought that
being a minister or being a
a pastor or anything like that
you're working one day a week.
It's a pretty sweet gig, right?
I would say it's not a sweet gig.
And honestly Scott,
I don't mean to bring the mood down here.
We've been having so much fun.
We've been hearing music.
It's been music. You heard a song.
The two things. Music and a song.
Music is part of songs, generally speaking.
Some say they're synonymous.
I would almost say that
if a song came on and there...
Oh sorry.
If a song came on and there wasn't music in it
I would pass.
Just a cappella?
No, there'd be music in that.
You mean instrumentation?
Sure.
I do mean that. I like you today.
I like you too.
It's good to have you on.
Celebrating the 13th anniversary and you have something you want to bring?
This isn't so much a celebration
but maybe for my enemies.
My doctor has told me
I have 45 minutes to live.
No!
From now or from when he told you?
From now.
He said the minute you step on
and start talking on that podcast
you got 45 minutes to live.
This is like a speed situation.
This is a speed situation, Scott.
He said my cholesterol is so high.
From eating pasta?
From eating pasta.
And I said I am not going to stop eating pasta
over my dead body while I start eating.
Yeah, you brought some. You brought like...
a whole bunch of to-go containers.
Different types of pasta.
Anybody want to join me?
I'm going to have some of these gnocchi.
Yeah, gnocchi.
You're here with Francesca Bolognese
who I believe is from...
I am from Italy.
Italy.
Wait, you're from the restaurant?
The restaurant.
You were born in that restaurant?
I was born in the back
where they make the Parmigiano Rezac.
And your parents worked there?
Yeah, what was your mother doing back there?
My mother, she worked at the...
She was from Ohio.
Oh.
You don't have to enunciate it like that, baby.
I don't want to tell nobody what to do.
She was from Ohio.
You look so stressed saying it.
And she...
She used to help make the Parmigiano Rezac.
Basically, they get it shipped in from Italy
with the I.
And she would organize the big wheels of cheese.
So she was like stacking the wheels.
I am so glad we're talking about this woman's mother
when I have 43 minutes.
I am so sorry.
You're right, we need to pack everything.
I just got to tell you, I think it's incredible.
I beg your pardon, you're right.
We got on a tangent.
But I was going to say this podcast
really drained the life out of you, though.
Well, it was this podcast.
What happened?
You make me come on here and do sermons for free.
And it's not cool, Scott.
I'll pay you to do a sermon
if you just promise to live longer.
I can't make that promise.
The cholesterol is so high.
He told me it's so high.
He said my arteries are filled with Parmesan.
No.
Parmesan and carbohydrates.
They won't break down in my body anymore.
In the arteries?
In the arteries.
The capillaries.
The quadrants.
Even in the quadrants.
I'm not going to go full vampire,
but it sounds like
a little bit delicious.
I suppose so if you want to take a bite.
I don't have nothing to live for anymore.
But if I could share a word with y'all
about pasta.
Please, yes.
By my count, 40 minutes to live at this point.
Why don't you tell me a problem you're having
and I can say a word?
Occasionally I'll come to work
and there will be people at work
that I really, really dislike.
For example, who?
Who come on this show
and I really hate them.
They're not even giving a time to dance.
Yeah, I hear you.
Why should I dignify a man?
That's the problem.
I dislike my coworkers.
What makes you so special?
That sounds regular, but okay.
Sounds regular?
Have you ever tried praying to pasta?
I don't even know what that would entail.
Well, you get a bowl of pasta.
That exists already?
Well, you could boil it.
You could do whatever you want.
Could it be dry pasta?
You're going to have to cook it.
Do you have a kitchen in here?
I'd love to go in the kitchen and maybe make everybody
a little bit of pasta before I pass.
There's a kitchenette.
Chewbacca is here.
A kitchenette, will that do you?
A kitchenette, what is that, a female kitchen?
It does less work.
It does a little less work, gets paid less.
Yeah, well if there's a kitchenette,
I usually like my kitchen's male,
but I'll go into a kitchenette.
If I could just go whip y'all up some pasta.
You're going to spend part of your...
I mean, it takes about probably...
Being of service, yes.
Wow, thank you so much.
What are you going to make for us?
Well, everybody tell me your favorite kind of pasta.
Scungily.
Scungily, no.
Scungily, the blessed. Scungily, the sacrament.
I got the blues,
Kraft Mac and Cheese.
Blue box blues.
Well, I'm sad that you're dying,
so I got the blues.
You don't have to be sad for me.
I've lived a good life, please don't be sad for me.
I'm actually quite happy to pass.
Really? Where do you think you go when you die?
Hell.
Wow.
I'm going straight to hell, honey.
No.
You must be so scared.
Why are you so glad to die?
No, I'm not scared. I have met Lucifer face to face.
We went to elementary school together.
So you're happy you're going to die
because you're going to meet Lucifer again,
your old school job?
He used to bully me.
Then why are you happy to see him?
Well, because now I want him to see how well I've done,
how thick I've gotten from all the pasta I've eaten.
He used to call me skin and bones.
Is he going to get a Lucifer from a Lucifer's pizza?
Yes, exactly here in Los Angeles.
Local reference.
I mean, jokes aside, that's good pizza.
Here in Los Angeles.
Too spicy.
I like the spice. You don't like the spice?
It's not on her time.
I'm going to die.
This man only has 38 minutes.
It's a man. I'm a man.
I cook in kitchens.
But for the secondest podcast, I cook in a kitchenette.
Little bitch-ass kitchenette.
Here's the problem with Lucifer.
He made a pizza shop.
Pizza,
contrary to popular belief,
is not pasta.
It's not pasta.
It's similar flavors.
Usually in Italy, sometimes in Italy.
Italy.
Which one?
Italy.
Is that where I am from?
Yeah, but then now say the restaurant name.
She just did.
No, but she said that's where I'm from.
Italy.
Say the restaurant.
Italy.
Say them both back to back.
Italy.
Now it sounds western.
It sounds western.
Do you think they'll ever be in Italy?
Italy.
Italy.
My dad used to do an awesome character call to Italy.
Oh, you're bad.
I don't want to take up any time.
I am going to die.
Because I'm going to pass.
I don't think I see Richie.
I think I see a new really hungry guy
that just walked into the room.
Hungry stew?
Yeah, I could be like a guy who loves pasta and is super hungry.
Hungry stew.
Yeah, stew too much to like your thing.
Plus the Simpsons did this, right?
Disco stew was hungry.
This is crazy.
I'm about to pass away.
I'm sorry.
Pasta pasta.
What do you want to talk about?
This is actually crazy, Scott.
Literally insane.
I came here.
The doctor told me don't come here.
He told me not to come here.
He said it's not good for my health or my blood pressure
or my cholesterol.
I came here because I care, Scott.
Thank you so much.
I care about you. I know we've had our differences.
We have.
You're another one of these guys I haven't really liked all that much.
But we don't work together. I come here gratis.
That's true.
I come here gratis. Everybody else coming gratis.
Anybody getting paid?
When you're in the kitchen, could you make us some gratis?
You're an asshole.
Wow.
How do you like it?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend, I thought.
I'm going to just come out and say it.
You don't have much time left on this earth.
I don't.
You lose the filter.
Y'all want to talk about the Simpsons.
What was your favorite Simpsons episode?
My favorite Simpsons?
Episode?
Episode or person?
I like Bart.
What do you like about Bart?
Good character.
Probably one of the best characters.
One of the top five?
I like how prominent he was.
When you watch a show, you like whoever has the most lines.
I count episode by episode.
And over time, he had most of the lines.
Homer was really rivaling him.
Once they figured out what was funny about him.
Sure, sure, sure.
But I'm riding for Bart to the day I die.
Which is today in a couple minutes.
Oh no, ride or die with Bart.
I don't mean to make it.
I don't want to bring the mood down.
I want to talk about happy things.
Okay, talk about happy things.
Elbow macaroni.
That counts.
I think you would try to do a bit, but that counts.
That's pasta.
Pasta.
Lasagna.
Pasta.
My favorite pasta is a rice.
Aroni.
That's rice.
Yeah, it's not pasta.
Well, that's actually just going to go ahead and be...
No, that's rice.
Listen to the name, baby.
I'm the one from Italy.
But baby, it's in the name.
Maybe she's talking about the aroni part of it.
That's flavoring.
Oh, shit.
Did you just realize...
68 years on this earth and you just realized
rice aroni is rice and macaroni combined?
I'm going to make some phone calls, Scott.
Who are you calling?
I'm calling my chef.
And what are you saying to him?
Or her.
Thank you.
And she's cooking in a kitchenette.
Your chef is cooking in a kitchenette if it's a she.
Yeah, that's right.
If it's a man, it's a kitchen.
She wears women's bras.
She goes, we could...
Brows for her?
But pH ballots for a man, for sure.
Oh, okay.
And only a broad word.
Why are you such a freak, Scott?
I'm not a freak, I'm just...
Thank you.
This guy sucks, right?
You hated him.
I said he was an asshole, don't mean I don't like him.
And I didn't disagree.
We do agree on something.
This is just like the Last Supper.
This is the Last Supper, y'all on my...
Do you want something to eat, by the way?
Maybe we could make you something to eat.
I want a burger.
I haven't had a burger.
This is so unlike you.
No, I haven't had a burger in 61 years.
They're going to have to call you pasta burger.
No, they won't, over my dead body.
For one burger?
It should be in about 30 minutes.
Over my dead body.
I'm so sorry, where do you want your remains?
Oh, well, no, I want...
I want them to sell me in half.
Like Ed and the Jews should sell out.
Don't be so disgusted.
Don't be so disgusted.
I'm not disgusted, it's just a weird thing to do.
I don't look at me with disdain.
I have a good idea for you.
I think we make your body into a feeling
that we feel a totaline with.
A ravioli.
A human ravioli.
You make all the people you're close with
eat the ravioli.
So Scotty, you'll be eating it.
I don't think we're that close.
We are close.
I've been working for you for free.
I'm so sorry.
All you have to do is ask and I'll pay anyway.
For money?
Is that true?
Everybody here wants a little money.
I'm looking around at my friends.
I got a little walking around money.
What do you guys want?
Walking around.
Fifty-nine?
Add ten to that, maybe you got something.
You know what I'm saying?
You're a freak.
He's a freak.
You want to know what kind of bra the chef is wearing?
That's the first thing Scott asked
at every restaurant I've been to.
Excuse me.
May I see the chef?
What kind of bra do you have under there?
I mean, it's disgusting.
It's disgusting.
But I do want my body salt in half.
Half cremated.
And the top.
I want my arms rolled up into a pretzel kind of formation.
And then I want to be buried.
I like this showmanship.
Yes.
So if anyone were ever to exhume the body,
it would be like...
Don't do that.
It would be like, what are you doing in here?
You know you're not supposed to be in here messing around.
That's exactly what...
That's the only thing that stops a grave robber
is judgment from the corpse.
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely. But that's my diet wish.
I do like the idea of putting my body in pasta.
Would you eat my ass in a ravioli?
That question is for you, Scott.
I made direct eye contact.
I don't think so. Any part of that sentence.
Keep in mind I'm dying.
You are dying, but by the time you die,
you'll be dead and it won't matter what I think.
It will because I'm going to be watching down from hell.
You think you'll be a ghost? A hell ghost?
I'm going to be fucking too.
Because I couldn't fuck?
Well, because I couldn't fuck.
Once you get to hell, you can do all this.
Pastor, I never thought about this.
Can the people from hell watch us do?
Yeah, they watch.
Lucifer told me. He's seen all y'all fucking.
Really? What do you think?
He says, you got some work to do.
Me?
I actually got a text from him.
He said, Scott has some work to do.
I think he thinks his partner is happy.
He thinks his partner is happy.
She's been talking to me direct.
Who else has been talking to Cease?
He prefers me.
Oh, he prefers Lou?
Yeah, Lou.
Louie Cipher?
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, no.
You were dancing on the edge and I was like,
please don't say it, please don't say it.
You enjoyed his SNL?
You enjoyed his SNL set?
Who are your favorite hosts?
You're trying to get me canceled
right before I pass away?
I guess it doesn't matter.
Say whatever you want to say.
Favorite host.
Now, your big thing is pasta,
but you're a pastor, so remember that when you're thinking.
Okay, right.
Why, who would you say, Bill?
Oh, it's got to be Charles Barkley.
Why?
Oh, because did you see him elbowing Barney
in that sketch?
Oh, elbow macaroni.
Yeah.
Okay, so that makes sense.
My favorite hosts,
I mean, all my favorite hosts
are predators
and people no one's rooting for.
What if they got a predator from the movie Predator
to host?
That would be incredible.
It wouldn't be much unlike the way the show works now.
You know, Alien would text all his friends
and be like, they fucking got predators?
But then they'd get Alien next season.
We both top-line that movie.
They'd get Alien the following season.
I don't really watch SNL.
I'll be honest with you.
Not my kind of program.
Because it comes on right before church.
Literally a half hour before church starts.
A half hour before church starts.
And so I'm usually prepared for my sermons
and such.
I don't mean to bring the mood down,
but I am going to be passing away in maybe 20 minutes.
Yeah, it's coming up.
Well, no, I think you go a little more than that.
More than 20 minutes.
I think that's rude that y'all would have.
Yeah, we don't want you to leave.
Use your final moments here on mic.
If you're hungry, get your ass in the kitchen.
Hey, I thought we were on the same side.
We are on the same side.
We hate this guy.
He sucks.
Remember how annoying he is?
I don't think he's annoying. I think he's asshole.
Thank you.
So he's intentionally annoying?
Yeah, and that's better.
It represents a sort of an awareness.
But that's how you are, Scott.
Huh?
Maybe we're not so different after all.
You're willfully obtuse.
Should we be BFFs?
I love this.
BFs is okay.
Just best friends, but not forever.
Boyfriends forever.
Boyfriends forever.
I ain't that point, put a ring on it.
You never want to get there.
He don't value you.
You should make it a husband.
Oh, I...
Just in general.
Richie, just in general.
Richie seems to have tapped out.
I'm dying.
Richie is so disconnected.
Are you checking your stocks?
I'm just in awe of all the things.
I'm tracking all the things that could become catchphrases.
Yeah.
I'm trying to be respectful of the last few moments on earth.
The dying.
Do you have anyone you want us to contact?
Yeah.
Mr. Barilla.
Who's Mr. Barilla?
Create a Barilla Pasta.
I've never got to thank him.
What is the shape of Barilla Pasta?
It varies. It's a brand.
It's a brand. They got all kinds.
They got spaghetti, rigatoni, spaghetti.
And that's your favorite?
Yeah.
We've said this several times.
It seems like you know about three pastas today.
The last time you had a huge list
of about 30 that you went through.
Well, hold on now.
Because you underestimated me.
I don't get it.
No.
I want to just say no.
I don't like rice.
It is the enemy of a pasta.
That's right. Well, they're both carbs.
Well, all carbs are not created equal, Scott.
Okay.
You got your list out.
Cappellini.
Spaghetti.
Spaghetti.
Spaghetti.
But she can't tell it.
One thing I learned at Italy
is that you just added teeny at the end.
It's a new pasta.
Okay.
Have you ever had a martini bowl of eggs?
Yeah.
Hold on.
Hang on. I actually see Mr. Barilla
walking into the room right now.
Hello, Mr. Barilla.
Oh my God.
Let's check your sodium levels.
Oh no.
With my thermometer on.
No, he's walking immediately out.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry.
Everyone.
Everyone, I'm sorry.
I have some breaking pasta news.
What?
Most of the rice and roni products
contain rice and pasta mixture.
What did I tell you?
The pasta is either rosa marina,
rice shake pasta,
vermicelli, similar to spaghetti,
but thinner.
Oh no, I don't know.
Why did you kill her?
Sorry.
Why don't you respect me?
What about preschools?
Wait a minute.
No, stay with us.
Don't go into the red light.
I don't think he's dying.
Linguine.
Linguine.
Seems like...
What about quinoa?
You know you're killing him.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to make sure I know my pasta.
Oh my God.
Are you sure you're dying and you don't just have to fart?
Oh wait.
Wow.
I mean...
That's a fun character.
Maybe do something about farts.
Farting is good comedy.
It could be anything.
Like fart Phimpsen or something.
Yeah.
Don't have a...
Eat my farts, man.
Something like that.
But I think you need to work on it and come back with it.
You can't just launch into it now.
No, you're right.
I'll tune out for a little while.
Sounds good to me.
We've got fart Phimpsen coming up around the corner.
I think it's crazy that I'm dying.
You're not dying.
I actually think it's insane that I'm dying
and y'all just go sit up here and talk about
fictional characters.
Nobody else thinks it's crazy.
I'm the only one who thinks it's crazy.
I don't know that you're dying.
What do you mean that I have to fart?
You think my doctor told me
you have to fart in 45 minutes
and I misunderstood it as you died?
Yeah.
You think I'm stupid?
A good day, yeah.
What can we do for you to make your final moments comfortable?
How can we ease your suffering?
You want me to rub your tummy?
I would love for you to rub my tummy
and I would love for Scott to rub my feet.
You want to see a bubble that looks like a penis?
I do.
I think we all do.
Let me fire up my hot plate here.
How long is it going to take for this bubble to be here?
45 minutes.
Her heat doesn't even have 45 minutes.
What's wrong with you?
I'm sorry.
I know I got some big hips off me, but that is no reason.
You are thick.
I love to watch you walk away.
But I'm not going to, I'm going to die.
No, you're going to die right here.
Can you die face down?
That's the way that I like to see you die.
Okay, great.
I could do that for you.
Guys, this has been a pleasure.
I'm going to excuse myself.
I'm going to recuse myself from this bubble.
Wait, I have one more question.
What about Pharaoh?
No.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Are you leaving or are you staying?
I can't quite tell.
Well, I'm going to die, but I'm going to do that somewhere else.
That is not to say I won't come back to the podcast
in ghost form.
Do you promise to be a ghost next time?
I'll be a host.
Okay, yeah, take the G off.
Can we all make a promise?
A hell ghost.
Can we all make a promise to be ghosts after this?
Yeah, that would be great.
Wait, are you saying we should do a suicide pact
at the end of the show?
What did you hear?
So, well, Pasa Pasa is great to have you on the show.
Pasa Pasa.
Even though you've pronounced it Pasa Pasa.
Because I'm allowed to confuse people.
Right, but I'm the one who should be serving.
Because you're a host.
You're a host.
I'm not a ghost.
You're probably going to hell, though.
You think so?
Check in with Lucifer, if you could.
Okay, well, he doesn't have good things to say about you.
Really? What's he saying?
He's talking to him.
Pleasure your wife?
Yeah, he has.
Or don't.
You're shaking right now.
You're literally shaking.
I'm shook right now.
You are actually shook by definition.
You're shaking.
Okay, well, I'm going to go pass away in the bathroom.
Bye now.
Come in there and check on me, please.
Yeah, okay, we'll do. Pasa Pasa, everyone.
Great to see you.
Rest in peace.
Rest in Pasa.
I got it out first.
I did it first.
Well, we have to take a break.
When we return, we'll have more.
No, this is my show.
You get your own podcast.
See if I don't.
Oh man, I would love to see big chunky bubbles.
Maybe a CBB presents episode with big chunky bubbles.
Oh, what? Does who?
Yeah, exactly.
All right, we are going to go to that break,
but Stars, do you guys want to do your second song?
You know it. Yeah, we're going to play Cable's Inhale.
This is Stars.
All right, let's hear this song.
The frost is settling on all the rooms around here.
Don't you remember what you said?
Two hundred days ago when everything was lost
And everybody closed the door
You looked at me under the lightning tree and asked me
What has all of this been for?
Wondered far out from Cable to you
Felt in the ditch from the start for that kiss
Road into yours that we all found
I felt in the eyes from home
Don't we?
I told you we were here to fight
I told you we were here to sing
I told you we were here to keep each other company
And it's meant everything
A million miles and I'll sleep
A million streets lost in the past
There's only numbers left to keep in our love
Even we are running fast
Wondered far out from Cable to you
Felt in the ditch from the start for that kiss
Road into yours that we all found
I forgot that we always were here
I said take me to bed with some hope
Kick up the quietness to keep us afloat
When we tip with the swing through the dark
Dream up the noise that'll cry from the start
Hand to heart
Sweeping up the ashes of the fire
From when we set ourselves alight
A different sea of faces singing all our songs to us
A different city every night
Close up the house for one more year
Wave to the lake and drive away
That feeling in your chest that isn't real
It's just the passing of the day
Wondered far out from Cable to you
Felt in the ditch from the start for that kiss
Road into yours that we all found
I forgot that we always were here
You said last half the kids ended up
Trait in the city for clouds in the sun
Mirrors reflect what's been left in the past
Whenever else it just might not last
But it's a start
Hand to heart
It's a start
Hand to heart
It's a start
Hand to heart
It's a start
All right, thank you stars.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.
Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.
Of course, Big Chunky Bubbles is here.
Where are you from again?
What's under duress?
Is that where you're from?
Under duress.
And we have Richie Castlebaum is here.
Yes, I'm here.
You are here.
Francesca Boulinet is of course.
Of course, I am here.
I never leave you, Scott.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Just kidding.
Oh shit, I fell for it.
And of course, Bill Walton is here.
Slam dunk, Curtis.
Pass to pass, I had to go, of course.
Stars is here doing songs from their record
from Capelton Hill out there on tour.
Now, what the hell?
What is that?
The best thing about being a gardener
is that I like gardening.
Hey.
Oh, I'm a gardener.
I'm looking my gardener.
Hey, hey.
Garden makes me feel good.
Hey, hey, hey, you.
You.
I'm still a gardener.
Hey, dude, dude, dude, dude.
Hey, what's up?
What are you doing?
Hey, I'm going to, hey, Scott.
What are you doing on a show here?
Scott, I'm your gardener.
I carry the gardener, baby.
I had to come blow some leaves, my baby.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah?
You're the guy who's been blowing all the leaves
the last six months of the show
when I've been taping them in my backyard.
By the way, Scott, where the hell are we right now?
What is this place, Scott?
This is the studio.
This is the year-old studio.
Did you just follow me here?
Scott, I am your gardener.
So I follow.
I put a tracker on your shoes.
What?
And I follow you.
One of those Apple tabs?
One of those Apple tabs on you.
And wherever you are, I'm blowing leaves, Scott.
Oh, my God.
I hate that sound.
What do you mean you hate that sound?
Scott, I'm kind of the fifth character of the podcast.
You're like what New York is to the turtle?
I'm the star of the backyard era of Comedy Bang.
You've been ruining the show for the last five months.
What have you been ruining the show?
You mean that dulcet tone that's just like a high-pitched whistle?
Are you the guy who's also been backing a truck up to...
Yeah.
And I've been hammering stuff.
I do a lot of...
Triple threat.
Scott, what?
First of all, I'm pretty pissed this is the first time I've been on the podcast, Scott.
Yeah, well, I haven't wanted you on the show.
It's an interruption.
Scott, I have a lot of interesting things about me that I feel like you have
interesting people on the podcast.
Well, look, it is an open-door policy.
It's open to anyone who wants to talk.
So, I mean, obviously, we have Richie here.
Yeah, I don't know.
Who the hell is this guy?
Oh, yeah, I'm about to leave.
Now, let me ask you, Scott, do you want me to keep blowing leaves in here?
No.
Do you want to talk about the interesting things about you?
Yeah, of course.
All right.
I'm fucking a Venus flytrap.
What?
I am fucking a Venus flytrap.
Is that not interesting, Scott?
Wow, he's achieved the great dream of mankind.
Please tell us more about making love to a Venus flytrap.
Everyone's seen one and wants to do it.
I mean, yeah, it's that flower that latches on to something.
Yeah.
And if you put a penis in there, it will latch on to, Scott.
Francesca, what do you think about?
Are we finally talking about penises again?
Well, yes, we are talking about penises, I'm sure.
I feel like everybody's trying to leave right now.
Yeah, it's really an important time.
You have an importance.
I mean, shift, I don't know, but I'm beyond that.
Wait, you have to go and Richie has to go?
I also have to go.
What?
Well, mostly just because I don't like you.
No, stick around, please.
I can.
I gotta go.
Unfortunately.
Because you don't like me?
I mean, I get to go because I don't like you.
Oh, I see.
OK.
I love you, Scott.
He just started.
I know I thought there was going to be a break.
You're like a Ross.
We hit it off, so I'm going to give it a ride.
I thought we were going to have a break.
Another interesting thing about me.
He's just going to plow through it, I guess.
I don't need human flesh, Scott.
What?
Really?
Yeah, I'm opposite of a vegetarian.
So for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Yeah, I skip lunch.
Oh, OK.
So for breakfast and dinner, human flesh.
Actually, I have a sensible shake for lunch.
OK.
Human flesh.
Oh, human flesh.
It's freeze dried flesh.
Where do you get the flesh?
I got to ask.
Scott, you do not want to know.
Come on.
I really do want to know.
OK, I get it from a monthly flesh subscription box.
Flesh subscription.
It's called flesh box.
Oh, OK.
I subscribed to that for a bid, and yeah, it was different than what I thought it was going to be.
Yeah, you thought it was going to be a flesh light in there.
You've got to find a penis fly trap, Scott.
Every month, a new flesh.
Are you sure it's not called hello flesh?
Damn, that's better.
You know, Scott, I'm also a gardener to the stars.
Really?
That's right.
What star?
Really passionate.
Oh, my God.
Well, I'm a gardener to stars for such stars as, you know, Kevin Spacey, Bill Cosby.
Oh.
OJ Simpson, and you.
Oh, jeez.
You guys all leave next door to each other?
Yeah, I feel like it's easy for me to just get them all in at the same day.
The house is pretty cheap.
I think the neighborhood, the market value, everywhere.
You want to ask me any questions about Kevin Spacey?
Yeah, I mean, what's he doing on, when does he do those videos?
He's making a video, Scott.
I wish I didn't like them so much.
What's he doing the other 364 days a year?
He's rehearsing the videos.
Oh, yeah, they're so good.
He's writing, rewriting, getting to write his room, breaking off a B-room, rehearsing,
doing pre-production, and then on Christmas Day, he comes in and he says,
well, hello there, or whatever the fuck he says.
Spacey Claus, we call him.
This is Spacey Claus.
He's pretty cool.
Really?
He's a nice guy?
He treats you well?
No.
He treats me pretty poorly.
Really?
What does he do?
Yeah, what does he do?
He makes me cut all his bushes into dicks.
And then sits on them?
And then he comes in and he slaps them around and sits on them.
And he says, thank God y'all can't respond, he says.
Allegedly.
Allegedly, this happened.
No, this happened.
I don't understand this guy.
Well, I don't know that I believe you.
I have all these stories, Scott.
Tell me a story, Dan.
Tell me any kind of story you want.
I mean, these guys are looking at their watching.
I got a story, Scott.
I got a little script I've been working on.
Oh.
That's right.
So you're a screenwriter as well?
I am a screenwriter as well.
What do you got?
It's like a southern thing.
It's a little something called the constant gardener, Scott.
Oh, OK.
I've heard of the constant gardener.
Yeah, but this is the constant gardener.
Wait, what did you say?
I thought you said caustic.
No, I said the constant gardener.
You said constant.
Oh, yeah.
There is a thing called.
There's a thing called that?
Yeah, yeah.
What's it about?
It's about a British dibble bat.
What?
Is it about a British dibble bat?
Dibble bat?
Is it about like water rights in Africa or something?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, it's something like that.
Shit.
All right, I'm across.
Yeah, you got to rewrite.
I got to rewrite that one out.
You know how I piss and shit in all your plants?
I could tell.
You could tell, right?
I'm gonna come over and be you stinky.
Oh, well, I've been pulling a wine steam in most of them, so.
Now, what the hell does that mean?
Getting out in a robe and just kind of let it swing open?
Yeah, you got to read up on that story.
You simply must.
I do not know how to read, Scott.
To be in polite society these days, you have to read up on that story.
I can't be doing that.
I'm in the gardens doing all the gardening, Scott.
Yeah.
How you liking your garden so far?
I mean, you know, other than the shapes that you've been cutting all the plants in.
Yeah, what do you call?
My butt.
Yeah, oh, is that what it was?
Yeah.
It's a butt and then there's two hands sort of spreading them open.
Yeah, turn around and yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
I'm doing like the Ace Ventura thing where he talks about his butt.
Yeah, it's a little straight.
Everyone thinks that Jim Carrey lives where I live, first of all.
And then they ring the doorbell expecting me to like come out in the mask or whatever
and say, smoking.
Yeah.
Did you know that Sonic 2 is going to be his last movie?
Yeah, I heard something about that.
No!
You know what they do?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Why is everybody screaming?
I thought he was back in action, you know, bringing out the old Jim Carrey.
Like Looney Tunes?
Yes, Looney Tunes back in action.
What a big, great turn of cartoons.
Like Space Jam and New Legacy.
Space Jam and New Legacy to...
Here we go.
Here we go.
He's doing it.
He's ramping up.
He's doing it to the family guy on Cartoon Network in the early 2000s.
Wow, he pulled it off.
He did it.
He did it.
I want to talk about the slap, Scott.
Oh, okay, sure.
What do you got on the slap?
What's that crazy when Will Smith slapped him?
That's all you want to say about it?
Well, I just feel like...
I know you're coming with a take about it.
I remember you emailed every podcaster trying to get on a podcast the week after a slap
and nobody had you on.
I was shut down.
But that's all you had to say?
Yeah!
Is it was crazy?
Well, I personally am glad to hear someone else thought that was unusual.
Was it crazy?
I couldn't believe it.
I feel like in memorial to that slap, I will be cutting a bush in the shape of Chris Rock's
surprised face.
Okay.
Would you like that, Bush, Scott?
To be honest, all the stills you see, he doesn't look surprised.
He looks just more like...
Yeah, when I watched it, I was like, okay, this is a weird bit they worked out before the
show, but then it seemed like it wasn't.
Yeah, I don't know.
It seems a little late to be talking about this, too.
What do you mean a little late?
Didn't it happen like a month ago?
It did?
Yeah.
I was just catching up all about Teemo stuff.
Really?
You would have this on Teemo?
Yes, well, it's hard because I tape four Family Feud episodes a day.
Oh, yeah.
I watch all those every night.
So to catch up on Family Feud, then I get to watch stuff like The Oct.
Do you fast forward through the commercials?
That saves a lot of time.
Oh, no.
I watch them at half speed.
Half speed?
Yeah, because...
It's slower.
It's respectful.
It's fun to see Milana Vientrauber, whatever, and all them safety team commercials.
Talking really low.
And she's just like, oh, well, don't you know, we all get their best deals.
That's what you're into.
I'm into the slow commercial.
Well, you're a weird gardener.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Well, I have a question for you.
Every time I come to Scott's house and I am in the backyard tanning...
You said that pretty weird.
You be out there tanning, I see you.
I always hear little kids nearby somewhere screaming their fucking head off.
Oh, yeah.
Is that you?
No, that's my kids.
I lock them in the truck as I work.
And they basically are screaming, daddy, put the window down.
Daddy, put the window down.
Oh, so you know, lower the window.
No, no, no, no.
I want them to get good at being hot.
It's very important for climate change.
It's an important skill.
Yeah.
If you're going to be taking over the family business, you got to be hot because it is
hot in your yard.
So leave your kids in your car with all the windows rolled up.
And that'll train them for upcoming climate change.
That's right.
Also, do not forget that I am fucking a Venus fly trap.
Yeah, no, that's very important.
And you only eat human flesh.
Let's see.
What else do I have?
Anything else?
You ever make a pasta stuffed pasta with a human flesh inside?
Yeah, because we have someone dying in the bathroom right now.
Now, I don't know anything about pasta.
OK.
You should have maybe asked those questions a little bit earlier.
Yeah.
Do you want to ask me about a flower?
Sure.
What do you think of the lily flower?
So beautiful.
The lily flower.
It's everybody loves it.
It's hard to spell.
I got to say, when you look at the actual genus name of the lily flower and you try to type
it in, it's just like L-I-L-L-L-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y.
That shit doesn't make any sense.
So it's kind of my least favorite flower.
Yeah, I got a question.
All right, BCB.
How do you feel about the corpse flower?
It's the famous flower that blooms very rarely.
But when it does, it smells like human flesh reading.
Yes.
Good or no?
Is that what got you into tasting the human flesh?
No.
Oh.
Idiot.
I'm sorry for that.
That's a weird question.
I feel like BCB was asking me an actual question.
You had to come up with some bullshit stuff.
I don't like it in you, but now I feel like I'm getting the vibe in here that everybody
likes.
The co-host is supposed to do here.
You're supposed to deflect all this, actually.
I can deflect it.
I can deflect it.
I can deflect it.
I got a new character.
I'm going to play the dick-sucking Venus flytrap, though.
That's pretty good.
Oh, I don't know.
No, no, I think it's good.
I like that.
Okay.
Fuck my mouth.
No.
I got to say that.
Please, I see you gardening.
Will you fuck my mouth?
I got to say that's a Daryl Hammond-level impression of Venus like that.
Oh, yeah.
Let me have it.
I'm the throat goat.
This thing is a keeper.
I got to say.
Venus flytrap.
Is that Fert Simpson you're talking to now?
Fert Simpson.
The best character in all of Fox Animation history.
Enough about that.
Give me your coat.
I'm the throat goat.
It might be the best catchphrase in CBB history.
That's all I got, Scott.
Yeah, I really should.
Fert Simpson.
Did Fert Simpson come on?
Yeah, Fert Simpson.
Is that the name of the Venus flytrap that wants to get mouthfucked?
I know.
His name is Fert Simpson.
I'm asking you.
That's a great idea.
See, this is the kind of next level stuff.
The Venus flytrap that wants to get mouthfucked is named Fert Simpson.
Hold on.
Something over there.
Hold on.
Let me get that.
Stop.
No.
I got to get it.
It's important I get the leaves because it's important that leaves cannot be on the ground.
Yeah, as well as pants.
We don't want those on the ground.
I say drop those pants.
I'll blow something harder than that.
I'm loving this.
Chomp, chomp, chomp.
Gary the gardener.
Yeah, Scotty.
Can you stick around?
We have one more guest.
Yeah, I think I can stick around, Scotty.
And maybe I'll come up with a couple more things.
I'll stick around too.
Okay, we have one more.
Come on, everyone stick around.
What do you say?
One more person.
So rude to leave.
Let me look at my clog.
He's a punk rocker.
Does that entice you at all?
I like that.
A fellow entertainer.
Yeah, let's catch him.
He's really strong.
And then, by the way, you'll get to plug things if you stick around.
So that opens my golden bar.
I got something to plug in my mouth.
Okay.
You don't have to stick around.
Talk about a CVV presents.
Let's bring him on.
He's a punk rocker.
He's never been on the show before.
Please welcome Keith Stanley.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Keith Stanley.
I'm a punk rocker.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I'm liking this guy's energy.
He's terrific.
No, no, no, no.
The story I'll be waiting for two hours.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
He's all keyed up.
What's going on, everyone?
Let's rock.
No, no, no.
Let's get punk rock, everyone.
Tear down the system.
No, no.
Holy shit.
This guy's sick as hell.
What's going on, Scot?
Hi, Keith.
Is that how you really talk?
Or just more real voice?
No, no last minute adjustment.
All folks, this is my actual voice.
Good to see you.
Very authentic, and it will sustain.
Hell, yeah.
My name's Keith, everyone.
Keith from the UK, I would imagine.
Is it with an F or TH?
Well, it's spelled on me, birth certificate or a TH,
but everyone called me Keith, and I'll roll with it.
That's the punkest shit I've ever heard about life.
Oh, it's very punk.
Birth certificate's a man.
Tear it down.
Burn down the birth certificate.
This is birth certificate in front of us.
I'll roll it.
And it's got something.
Oh, no.
You're going to beat that.
Turn your volume down, Scot.
For everyone?
Really? Wow.
That's better me now.
Oh.
No, I see you turning your volume down.
Oh, no, I am turning my volume down.
Too much punk rock for you.
Yeah.
Well, it's not that it's too punk.
It's maybe too loud.
Oh, shit, yeah.
Good distinction.
Yeah, so now you play punk music or you listen to punk music?
That's right.
I'll listen to it.
I'll play it.
I'll breathe it.
So he does all of it?
Wow.
Anything with punk rock music, man, ask me jam.
I'm a bass player primarily.
But I'll play anything a punk band needs.
I'll play a drum.
I'll play a guitar.
I'll play a, you know, a noise rock sort of synthesizer augmenting.
You got it.
Yeah, no, I hear the instrument.
Do I know any of your songs, Keith?
No, I'll refuse to release them publicly.
If you want my music, you got to buy it right out of me hands.
I'll press it only on old 78 speed acetate.
Okay.
I need a Victrola to play more music.
That's pretty punk rock.
That's pretty punk.
Come to me.
I've got a Toyota Celica.
Champagne colored Toyota Celica.
Come find me after me show.
I'll send it to you right out of me trunk.
And that's the only way to hear my music.
That's the only way to hear your music.
Wow.
Are you part of the great punk rock movement?
We were promised would come out of the Trump administration.
Some great protest songs that were supposed to come out.
What are you a riot for, or Atlantic magazine?
Are you a think piece?
Are you?
No, I'm a fellow entertainer.
Oh, what's your medium?
Big chunky bubbles.
Good for you, mate.
You guys should team up and do shows together.
What a big chunky bubbles.
You have such similar energy.
Because the man and the system has little tiny smooth bubbles.
Exactly.
And punk rock bubbles are big and chunky and they smell like tomato based.
You get me.
I feel like I want to join this band, too.
You're in.
I play a one note instrument that just kind of flies and is super loud.
Let's hear it.
Play something.
You want to hear it?
Okay, you ask for it.
Here we go.
Two, three, four.
Yeah.
Take that, the man.
Burn down our system.
Wow, we wrote a song almost instantaneously.
So Keith, what's going on?
Do you have a real job as well?
Yeah, I'll do every day job.
Thank you for everything.
Yeah, where do you work?
I'm a town planner for rich foods, Connecticut.
I'm in charge of overseeing zoning, commercial, residential,
protecting a two-acre zone that the rich folks like.
So you're protecting the interests of the rich people.
And they drive me mad.
And that's why I need to express myself at night with my punk rock music.
Right.
How many hours a week, though, are you doing your normal stuff?
One day job, 60 to 70 hours a week.
60 to 70 a week.
Wow.
I'll sneak out at the end and put in a cool 45 minutes at the punk rock club.
Right.
And I'll stick it to the man, something fierce.
So I should maybe describe you more as like a zoning guy.
I'm a punk rocker.
I'm a punk rocker.
Town planning is merely an avocation.
And by the way, you're from Connecticut?
That's correct.
Fairfield County, Connecticut, the most rich and austere of the Connecticut counties.
Can I ask you a city planning question?
Of course, but I won't pretend to like it.
OK.
So I'm a big national parks guy.
Sure, who is it?
Why don't we have more national parks in the middle of cities?
What an insane question, mate.
What are you saying?
We should set up a nature preserve in the middle of a commercial zone?
You promised the economy.
You need sidewalks, mate, and buses.
That's the heart of any good civic planning.
This dude's making a lot of sense.
He's a commercial player.
He's not a punk rocker, I mean.
I'm a punk rocker.
That's not very punk.
I'll tell you this about national parks, mate.
They're lovely, but they're sort of a bit woke.
You know what I mean?
They're performing.
I don't know.
Who raised the woke?
Everyone raised their hands.
Who raised the woke?
I'm not sure.
I hate the woke.
I hate you, David.
I hate walking.
I like to call them wokes like John Cleese does.
The woking dead is what I call them.
Right?
Yeah.
That's right.
So, you know, the wokeies, the walking dead.
You're having trouble with the accent, aren't you?
It's more real voice on that.
You're from Connecticut.
You admitted.
He admitted.
Yeah.
Oh, from Connecticut.
But punk rock is so strongly narrow.
When did you start talking like this?
Always, Scott.
What was the first punk rock record you ever heard?
I'll refuse to you send this accusation.
What was the first punk rock record you ever heard?
That I ever heard.
Yeah.
And when was this?
Um, Basket Case by Green Day this morning.
So, you just heard punk today.
So, you just heard punk today.
Song Green Day.
Name and their album Dookie.
What a punk rock move.
So, you haven't played any shows?
Yes, I have.
I did today.
You did this afternoon?
You played a punk show like a matinee?
Yeah, or played a punk rock show, a matinee,
in the outside of the parking lot of the town planning office.
Did you get the right permits for this?
Uh-uh.
No way.
I did fill them out out of habit, and then I tore them up.
At the last second, I strapped on my base.
I said, fuck you, rich fool.
Can I ask you a question?
How did you talk yesterday?
Like this.
Like this, let's say.
What's on this focus on my voice?
It just is so ridiculous.
It's very real.
Okay.
I beg your pardon.
I beg your pardon.
I've never heard a more real voice in my life.
So, you listened to Basket Case this morning.
Correct, yeah.
The rest of the album?
No.
No, just that one song.
I have a CD, right, in an old Walkman,
and I put it in, and it started skipping on track two.
So, I couldn't finish, but I was like, I don't need anymore.
Okay, so you listened to the one song,
you said, I like this lifestyle so much.
I'm gonna play, I'm gonna tear up these permits
that I made myself right.
Well, just out of habit, you know.
Out of habit.
Filled out the paperwork, out of habit,
or filled out the permits for a punk rock show
in the parking lot.
So, do you think this is gonna stick with you?
Yeah.
Have you done this with other types of music in the past?
I mean, are you kind of a chameleon?
Sure, yeah, I've had a bit of a couple phases.
Yeah, like what?
Oh, I was a bit Led Zeppelin fan last week.
Oh, really?
Sure.
What was your favorite song, or did you only hear one?
I only heard a whole lot of love, really.
Was it a dodge commercial that you heard it in?
Yeah, it was a dodge commercial.
And my favorite commercial jingle right was Led Zeppelin.
You were in the market to buy a dodge?
I've been looking for a good dodge for quite a while.
I didn't tell you in a second.
I said, don't get rid of the silica, but I stepped on your thunder.
No, sir, I appreciate you keeping track of me continuity, mate.
You can buy a dodge a bit better beyond in the beyond section.
Really? You can buy cars?
Yes, you can buy cars.
That's very punk rock.
It's a very punk rock.
I don't think that's punk rock.
That's very punk rock.
That's very punk rock.
What's punk rock about?
It's commercialism.
Punk rock's relative to the bass.
So if the bass is bed and bath, and then you've got a dodge truck,
that's punk rock, mate.
It's a big corporation selling something.
It is super punk rock there, I agree.
If you go into lots, if you went into the 1970s, right,
New York City went to CBGBs, and in the back there was a stock broker.
What do you think CBGBs is?
I think it's a deli.
So what does the C stand for?
What is it?
Cappacoli.
Cappacoli.
Yeah, the C and the B is...
Gabbagoo.
The same thing.
If you went in the back of a CBGB deli,
bread, and it's punk rock,
and there's a stock broker,
he's punk rock when he's in there.
Okay.
Because, you know, to be mainstream,
it's sort of like Paul McCartney's the most punk rocker
to beat us.
Oh, really?
Because he sort of dares to be square, you know?
You know, Joe Lennon, it's easy to be cool.
It's easy to be cool?
Because you're not.
What?
Wow, you reacted so strongly to that.
That's insane!
Do people think you're cool?
Yes, I assume.
How did you walk down the street and survey everyone?
What did your bosses think when you got this pink mohawk today?
They paid me little mind.
Yeah, I wouldn't really call it...
I felt they were strongly ignoring me.
I wouldn't really call it a pink mohawk.
It just looks like you used your hands
and pulled your hair to a point.
And your hair is thinning pretty bad.
It got that much of me.
Me and my remaining hair went to a midsection
and tell me it's not pink.
You can't tell me it's not pink.
I mean, your whole, the top of your head is pink
from a bad sunburn.
I grabbed, I grabbed, oh shit, I did sunburn me.
So I think people just thought
your entire thing is your sunburn.
I don't think so.
I took a can of bright pink spray paint,
sprayed my little comb over,
and it is bright pink.
Your little Larry David.
Yeah, it's a little Larry David.
God bless him.
What are you wearing?
A khaki pants.
Khaki pants!
And a polo!
And a polo!
Blue polo!
Yeah, polo under.
Now, how is that pink?
Depends where you are, mate.
You know, if you're walking down, you know,
Soho of London in like 70s...
What do you think Soho is?
I think Soho's sort of a...
I think it's a...
What does it stand for?
I think it stands for
so open, um,
hetero...
Hetero?
Okay, no, it's decidedly not that.
Ombres.
Soho!
Soho!
Why is everyone...
Very progressive heterosexual men.
Open my...
Don't be my friends, call each other
when we're rolling down the street.
So open hetero ombres.
Hey, Soho!
Hey, no Soho.
But listen,
why is everyone attacking this gentleman?
He's an entertainer, he's living his truth.
Leave him alone!
Yeah, I feel like everyone's trying to tell me
that I'm not a real punk rocker!
No, I think you are,
and I think Bed Bath & Beyond
is also a very punk rock.
I mean, the beyond section definitely is punk rock.
What about the bed section?
The bed's not.
The bed's square.
Going to sleep isn't punk?
Alright, think so.
Not at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Being awake isn't punk,
I'll tell you that much.
It depends where you are, Scott.
If you were in the middle of a New York marathon
and you went to sleep,
that's a punk rock, brother.
That makes sense.
It is true.
It is true.
But you know, and if you want staying awake
to be punk rock,
you'd have to go to a sleep in
a protest where everyone's sleeping for peace
and you stay awake.
That's punk rock, brother!
I gotta be honest,
when you started,
I feel like you were screaming.
Now you're kind of working your way.
You are just running out of steam.
You're running out of steam.
That's who Whisper almost.
The way you're describing punk rock to me,
it sounds like just not,
it sounds like being annoying.
You're an opposite guy.
Just a contrary individual.
I think you're more of a libertarian
than a punk rocker.
Not true!
What do you think about taxes?
I hate them!
Well, that's John Lennon.
No, that's George Harrison.
George Harrison.
He's very punk rock.
So you're like the libertarian
that we all work with at the office
who wants to talk to you
about libertarianism at lunch?
I disagree.
Me and the rest of me, Ron Paul fans.
I love Ron Paul,
but not for his libertarianism.
Oh, what do you like about him?
Two first names.
Two first names is great.
And one of them?
That's punk rock.
Paul McGartney.
That's right.
The most punk rock of the Beatles.
Who's the most punk rock comedian?
Bill Maher.
That's a great pick,
but I feel...
He makes too many rules.
I think they're new.
They're new.
Ricky Gervais breaks them.
Oh my gosh.
Ricky Gervais breaks the rules
that Bill Maher writes.
You never know what he's gonna say.
He tells rich people they're cool.
Then he tells handsome people they're cool.
You never know.
He's kissing the ass of the popular and the rich.
How punk rock.
I think there's nothing more punk rock than...
I don't think you've ever seen...
You've never seen Ricky Gervais' bit.
I've...
I've squished the channels
and seen him and I'm flipping by.
When you're looking for those dodge commercials,
so what?
Oh, I wish I could find a good dodge.
You gotta go to ispot.tv.
Why?
Don't say...
It's a website where you can see every commercial.
You search dodge.
Oh, you're doing plugs early.
Yeah, I'd like to plug ispot.tv.
Now, if you've shot a commercial
and want to know if you're getting paid properly,
you gotta start to count there.
Is it one of the great websites?
This is bleak.
Oh my god, ispot.tv,
one of the great websites
from redtube.com to google.com.
Just stitch your premium.
I'm feeling the most...
I know you're trying to wrap up.
Yeah, would it surprise you to know
that I'm trying to...
Sandman you off the stage at this point.
See, the problem is you're trying to wrap up,
so the punk rock thing to do
is to really stop that from happening.
There's nothing more punk rock to being told
to get off the stage.
You validated me, Scotty.
Boo, boo, you suck.
I love it.
You suck.
Why did punk rock show the Apollo?
The Apollo.
You went to the Apollo.
The famous punk venue.
The famous punk rock show would be so punk rock.
Oh my gosh.
Well, it's great to meet you.
Oh, thank you so much.
Keith and...
I tell you, this is a returning character.
He's a real guy.
This guy will be back.
He's gotta come back.
He's gotta come back.
He's gotta come back.
Yeah.
Keith and Fart Simpson.
Don't forget the throat goat himself.
The throat goat right over here.
Punk rock.
Give me that punk rock.
Oh, yeah.
More like spunk rock.
Like spunk rock, right?
Make the t-shirt.
Make the t-shirt.
The t-shirt's in production now.
Make the t-shirt.
All right, guys.
Well, we are running out of time.
I'm so sorry to cut you shorts, Keith.
Cut you shorts.
Cut my shorts.
Oh, Fart.
Fart Simpson.
We only have time for one final thing on the show.
That is a little something called plugs.
Oh.
Oh.
It's Patrick.
I don't have a headphone.
Oh, yes.
That was Evil Step Twin with Prince of Plugs.
Thank you to Evil Step Twin.
That was great.
Terrific.
Oh, you liked it.
Oh, okay.
Interesting.
That's not a slam.
I don't feel...
My taste is supreme.
All right.
Well, I want to say I have a very exciting plug coming up,
but I want to save that for the very end.
Let's, uh...
You're retiring.
Throw it down!
Big, chunky bubbles the roast of the century
to end the episode.
One of the great roasts?
One of the great roasts from, of course,
The Aristocrats Gilbert Gottfried
to Don Rickles,
making fun of black people in Asians.
Well, Bill, is there anything that you want to plug?
Well, I suppose I'd rather have 43 eyes.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're not doing would you rather.
No, no.
Oh, fuck.
This is plugs.
This is a different segment.
When's this coming out?
Bring that back.
Uh, so I would like to plug.
I'm going to biggrandaywebsite.com.
I believe at this point you'll be able to buy
live improv shows from the group Big Grande.
The whole premise of these shows is that
they are fully production-designed,
full hair and makeup,
but none of the improvisers knew what the set
or the other characters were going to look like
till they stepped on stage.
That is a 30-minute episode.
You can watch one of them for free,
and then buy the rest if you like them.
All right.
That's at biggrandaywebsite.com.
Correct.
Is that right?
Okay, fantastic.
I saw one of the great websites thing earlier.
Yeah, that's right.
I've never seen such remorse from a person.
Really?
You're in tears.
You're really mad at yourself.
You suck down onto one knee,
like Colin Kaeperdick could use.
You're crying.
Well, I'm protesting my own stupidity.
BCB, P.D. I mean, what do you want to plug here?
Well, I've started archiving my shows.
I unfortunately don't have my own domain.
It's been stolen from me.
No, someone took bigchunkybubbles.chunk,
or what are they?
Bigchunkybubbles.chunk.
Great domain.
There's some company that makes peanut butter out of soap,
and they were like, hooray.
Oh.
So go to paulftompkins.com slash live,
where you can see all of my erotic bubble shows.
Oh, fantastic.
I'm going to go there right now.
And Francesca, what would you want to plug?
OK, so first I'd like to plug Italy, the store,
slash restaurant.
And I would also like to plug,
this book changed my life on CBB Prosenta.
And, oh, a show called Killing It on Peacock.
Oh, yeah.
We just talked about that last week.
Yes, we did it.
With Claudia.
Claudia.
Claudia.
And then finally, oh, L-I-L-Y-Y-I-L-Y.
You're speaking gibberish right now.
I have no idea what you're saying.
All right, let's move on to Richie Castle Bomb,
or whoever you're playing right now.
Yeah, I'm back to my sec.
You're back.
OK, great.
I can't sustain fart fiction.
Yeah, you burned hot.
Like Icarus, you flew too close to the sun.
I'll plug the first one.
You should be famous for something else.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's the only thing we think of.
He was in prison with his dad.
That's interesting, right?
Internals.
OK, all right.
That's true.
Fair.
The Nintendo game.
OK, you're right.
OK, I'm sorry.
I'll plug the first two seasons of Righteous Gemstones on HBO Max.
Only the first two?
Yeah, just the first two.
People should stop watching after that?
Yeah, stop.
Yeah.
Wow, way to show that you haven't watched any of it,
because there's only two seasons.
I know there's only two,
but people are listening to this in the future.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, OK, in three years from now,
please watch more seasons.
One of it's like the future people from AI,
where they're just like these silvery ghost people.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
You've sunk down to one knee again.
I think I got dosed.
You fucked my mind and my bow.
Oh, he's back.
And listen to Hey Randy on CBBworld.com.
Oh, yeah, that's a good show.
All right, and Gary the Gardener,
what do you want to plug?
Well, so I did the gardening for a television show
on Hulu called Woke.
We were talking about it earlier.
We were talking about that word, yeah.
We were talking about it's called Woke.
It's not the Woke.
It's not a family of Woke people.
It's a fun show with LaMorde Morris
and a bunch of other people.
It's very fun.
And also, listen to this podcast called
Scott Hasn't Seed.
Oh, I've heard, yeah, yeah.
I think I'm on it, actually.
Are you?
I'm the titular Scott.
Really?
Yeah.
Because you're much more interesting on that show.
Oh.
I mean, yeah.
I feel like a kind of chill.
I got a lesson.
You might like talk about your life in a real way.
Yeah, I take a backseat to that.
And this break guy, I got to say, I love this guy.
Yeah, speaking of fake accents.
I mean, nothing, sir.
Hold on, Scott.
What are you saying about me?
Sprague.
We're about to record an episode in here.
Sprague.
I'm sorry, Sprague.
Yeah, I know.
I'm doing back-to-back episodes.
Yeah, you got that mind.
Meaning we're back-to-back while we record it.
Yeah, then we're going to take ten paces
and then turn around and shoot.
Pod.
Anyways, I'm out of here.
All right, Scott.
So that's all I wanted to plug.
Thank you.
Okay, great.
Gary The Gardener and Keith Stanley.
What do you want to plug?
Hello.
Oh, I've got two things to plug.
What's this accent that I'm hearing, Gary?
Sprague.
This is so great.
What do you think?
What do you think?
To be honest, it's one of the greatest accents
I've ever heard in my life.
Thank you.
You're sounding a little more like you
than you are of you.
One of the great accents of all time
from Oscar Isaac on the show, Moon Knight.
To that one above the O in Motley Cruise.
All right, well, I'm out of here.
Throw it down!
Yes, sir!
That was more of an oomolot, I guess.
Did someone mention Moon Knight?
Oscar Isaac is here.
Stephen Grant.
It's me, Stephen Grant.
How'd I get here?
I woke up.
The last thing I remember was falling asleep
in a museum.
Hi, Stephen.
You missed the date?
We had a nice date planned two nights ago.
Oh, no.
Absolutely missed it.
I'm sorry, I don't know what happened.
Hey, look, Gary, have you ever watched yet?
I can't be fucking with those spoilers.
Do you want to plug something, Keith?
I'll forget.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, plugger, you can't handle the sleuths.
I also saw a CBB presents
what a brilliant comedian named Will Wines
and also a second podcast he does
called Screw It.
We're just going to talk about comics.
Now, Scott, I don't know if you've got any
comic book fans in your audience.
I think, yeah, I think we have a few.
All right, well, they might like this podcast
where two brothers talk about comic books.
Is the brothers part of it?
Is that important to the podcast?
Not really, but it's the closest we have
to a hook they have.
You know I do the gardening for Will Wines.
Kevin Spacey, O.J. Simpson,
Scott Ockham, and Will Wines.
He's a deplorable and appalling human being.
But what a comic book authority.
Bye-bye.
All right.
Now, I want to plug.
I said I had a very exciting plug.
Guys, the Comedy Bang Bang Tour is coming.
I am announcing it here.
All of...
That's right. Scream.
All of August, we are going to be out
coming hopefully to a town near you,
and if you don't live in a town near
wherever we're going, move there.
The dates are not on sale yet,
but I wanted to let everyone know
that they perhaps are going on sale this week.
Perhaps next week, I'm not quite sure,
but I wanted to announce it.
All of August, Comedy Bang Bang Arthur on tour.
Come check it out.
So Jess, Mark, save the date on all of August.
Yeah, clear your schedule all of August.
That's not a busy month for people, right?
No, not in Italy, right?
Everybody goes away.
In Italy, it is a crazy time for us.
So August is slammed at those restaurants.
Okay, well, we're not going to Italy.
So don't worry about that.
And also, I'll plug CBBworld.com.
A lot of great shows over there,
including We Just Did a CBBFM with Weirdo Jankovic.
All right, let's close up the old plug bag.
Really dropped that name there.
I mean, he was on the show I'm plugging.
No, no, sure.
Is that it again?
Oh.
Stary punk.
Kind of punk.
Take one hand, put it up.
Take the other, put it down.
You're going to make a box.
It's time to start to close it.
I hope it's the whole song.
Oh, wonderful.
That was Say It Ain't Plugs by Josh Goodman.
Thank you so much to Josh.
And guys, I want to thank you so much.
I really appreciate everyone coming by.
Even you, big chunky.
Don't a hell.
From what I'm told, I will be.
So that'll make you happy.
And of course, before we close up the show,
we want to hear one last song from our friends and stars.
Happy anniversary, Scott.
Happy anniversary.
Here we go.
What's become of you in that day?
Painted the walls with all those pretty things you said.
I was the girl you were the one.
We were certain it would go on.
When we were happy, we hopped and turned the stars.
We said goodbye to the typos that killed it for you.
Unfold it.
We were rock of bullets.
We were the best of the pretenders.
All our bets on being forever.
Turn your face towards the sun.
Because the skies are hundred shades of honey.
I don't recognize that face.
Was it her or did she leave that place?
When we were happy, we hopped and turned the stars.
We said goodbye to the typos that killed it for you.
Unfold it.
We were rock of bullets.
We were the best of the pretenders.
All our bets on being forever.
Turn your face towards the sun.
When we were happy, we hopped and turned the stars.
We said goodbye to the typos that killed it for you.
Unfold it.
We were rock of bullets.
We were the best of the pretenders.
All our bets on being forever.
We made our bets.
We made our bets.
On being forever.
We made our bets.
We made our bets.
On being forever.