Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - 15th Anniversary: Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Lily Sullivan, Tim Baltz, Shaun Diston, Vic Michaelis, Lisa Gilroy, Will Hines

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Scott celebrates the 15th Anniversary of Comedy Bang! Bang! with special guests Jason Mantzoukas, Original Fig, underwater creature Neptuna, social media manager Francesca Bolognese, Randy Snutz, Jeffy McSaturday, Quiet the Mime, Scott’s Nana, and The Bronze Boogie Boarder. Thanks for listening to CBB for all these years!

Thank you Reggie Watts. You know, when you think about it, Willy Wonka was a pretty unorthodox guy. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Darren Hicks for that catchphrase submission. I mean, I guess you got to agree with the thesis. I guess I don't get it. I mean, is it? Hey, No Dings. Oh. Comedy Bang Bang is the world's first dingless podcast. You're willing to say this is a no ding zone. This is a no ding zone.

We established it, I believe a gentleman by the name of August Lint helped us out in that regard. And we established we are the world's first dingless podcast. That being said, there was just a ding. There was just a ding, but it was brought by one of our guests. Sorry, man.

Shimmy! I forgot I'm on Ring-A-Roll. Shimmy, you can't just come in barge. I mean, first of all, you did barge in here. Yeah, I'm on barge. You didn't just enter. Are you a door-to-door ding guy? Yeah, you need some dings?

Just dropping dings. I gotta go. Oh, he's always gotta go. Gotta go. Wow, what a guy. What a guy. But yes, Comedy Bang Bang. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Ackerman, the world's first dingless podcast.

There have been podcasts before like Serial and Conan O'Brien, obviously. Full of dings. Yeah, full of dings. But we were the first podcast to be able to, yeah, of course. We can't get rid of those on Comedy Bang Bang, unfortunately. Oh no, Comedy Bang Bang, unfortunately, present company included. Full of ding-dongs. And emphasis on dogs.

Oh no, well, let's talk to this guy because he is our first guest and he is, look, one thing I wanted to say about today's show, before we get too far in the weeds about it, this is a very special show. You wanna know why? Tell me. It is the 15th anniversary episode.

Wow. Wow, 15 years. Wow, and it's crazy. When you, you look great by the way. Thank you. When you started, you were 45. Sounds like you're teeing something up, okay. You were 45 when you started?

You look fantastic for 60. Thank you so much. You're not incredibly far off. That's why usually exaggeration works if you go really far. But look, 15 years ago, it was 2009, we started this show and we're in our quinceañera. And yeah, we've all put on pretty dresses and we're taking pictures by the fountain.

I love this. 15 years truly is, just for a moment, insane. Yeah. Have you ever done anything for 15 years? Well, I mean, how did this get made is 14 years. Yeah. So this, I feel this way about- Is it sad?

You'll never catch up to me. Wow. Isn't that interesting? Unless you finish before we do. That's right. I don't think I'm going to finish. Can I finish? I don't think so.

Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Thank you, Ross Perot. Of course. Why doesn't he come back? Oh right, he's not with us anymore. I guess you could say that about a lot of people. But honestly, why doesn't Dana Carvey

just live life as Ross Perot? As Ross Perot. We loved Ross Perot, Dana Carvey we love too, but. Why not give us a reality show where Ross Perot, we find out what he's up to now. Live a couple of years as Ross Perot. Yes, you know Do you know? Let me introduce our first guest he is he mentioned it he's one of the hosts of how did this get made? and

He has other stuff. He's on the new Star Trek Prodigy show. And he was in a movie called, was it? Was it Silence? What was it? What was it called with Marky Mark? Martin Scorsese movie, priest movies.

Adam Driver, Andrew Garfield. Adam Driver was in that too. He was in Silence. He's a priest. Is he an Italian priest? Going, hey hey Gucci. Hey, Ferrari. Ferrari.

Jesus Christ. I'm just gonna move this accent into Ferrari if you don't mind. I would, I'm desperate for a movie where Adam Driver plays an Italian character and he interacts with Russell Crowe's Italian priest character from The Pope's Exorcist. Desperate for this. Who he. And then Russell Crowe as Dr. J from the Pope's exorcist. Desperate for this.

And then Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from The Mummy too. Okay, great. Get them all involved. All the Russell Crowe accents? Well then I'm throwing in Russell Crowe as Zeus, his Greek accent, which was absolute insanity. Yeah. Please welcome to the show for the first time Jason Manzoukas.

Oh no, no, not for the first time. You've been on several times. Yeah, I think this is my third time. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, welcome back to the show. What a delight. So great to have you on again. You know, it's really fun. It's great. I know every couple of years when I get that call, do you want to come and be on Comedy Bang Bang? I'm like, wow, I would love nothing more. Three times. So every five years you've been on the show. Yep. It's wonderful to have you. Uh, Jay, Jay Dog. Oh, Scotty. So good to have you back. 15 years, you've been with us ever since the first year,

I believe. I think maybe the second year is my guess. Were you ever in the radio station? That was the first year. That's the first. My first appearance was myself, Natasha Leggero, and Bob Duker reading A Ship Called Hope. Boy, wow.

I found a video of a child on YouTube reading A Ship Called Hope to her school. Oh no. As like a, in like a- Like a show and tell. Like a presentation or like, yeah, exactly. Like a recital or something. Wow. And it was wild.

Was it inspirational or? It was incredible. I was like, this is awesome. Wow, I would love to see that. But please don't send it to me. I'm not taking any submissions at this time. But Jason's- I'm already turning it into something.

Hey, no dings. So many dings. No dings. Shimmy, are you back here? Sorry, man. We don't want dings. I forgot my charger. This is a dingless spot.

You forgot your charger to make more dings? Yeah, I can't make those dings. Get out of here. I'm available for technical support. Oh August, hello. August Lint is back. What are you doing here? What? I'm sorry, I just heard that this was not the dingless environment it was meant to be. Well, I mean, unfortunately it's not on my end and the technical end. It's Shimei over here keeps bringing him in. Oh, he's just shadowing me. What, he's shadowing you? Yeah, in the door-to-door ding business.

He's been having ding problems. You're gonna start putting dings into things? Yes, I can put ding-dings in or put ding-dings out. Okay, we don't want him in. All of the time. You put the ding-dings in, you take the ding-dings out. You put the ding-ding-ding and you shake it all about. Jimmy, I've never said this to you before, but you gotta go.

I gotta go. Well, where he goes, I go, and so good-bye. Where we go, why we go, oh. You know what? They make a, I will say they make a very good team. W-W-G-1? W-G-A? Don't look that up. Ha ha ha ha. Well anyway Jason, look it's the 15th anniversary.

Who knows who's gonna drop by? Well I do know one person who's gonna drop by. You do have an open door policy. So you know anybody might join, or nobody, it might just be you and I talking about Batman Off World, the new comic book from DC I have not read that but we can cover that on our comic book show if we ever do it but no one wants to hear that I don't think so and nobody's interested yeah but we do have I do know who our first guest is he is a I don't believe you two have ever met before he is is the owner of a Gestemini liquor and scratcher. And please welcome back

to the show Original Fig. Hey Scott, thanks for having me. Hey, so good to have you. Jason, nice to meet you. Great to meet you. How are you doing guys? I'm good, yeah, 15 years. Have you ever done anything for 15 years? How long has Gestemini liquor been open?

Oh, I took it over for my dad when he retired. Oh, he did? What was it called then? It was called the same thing. Oh, because I thought you called it that because you're a big true crime fan. The Bible is the original. It's my favorite true crime book. So you named it as a kid?

I named it as a kid. So even as a kid that was your favorite book a kid. Oh, I don't even have a kid. That was your favorite book. I've been a true crime buff forever. I feel like I was the first one. Yeah. Well, those are some of the first crimes. That's right. Exactly.

I mean, like a lot of crime. Eating that apple. Is invented, yeah. Well, eating the apple makes us aware that some of these things are crimes. Shout out to Cain and Abel, first murder. Yeah. Best to ever do it, I would say.

I mean, to gain the knowledge between good and evil. Kane like invented the genre of murder. He did, yeah. Not even Satan did that. Like honestly, even Satan was like, whoa, dude. We wouldn't have Hannibal Lecter, but for Kane. Yeah, it's fake crime. Oh, interesting, that's fake crime.

Yeah, I'm not as interested in that. Interesting. You're not interested in fictional characters, I guess. I mean, I like some fictional characters. Do you like Iron Man? I like the theater. Iron Man is- You like the theater. Iron Man is like Vin Diesel, right?

Boy, would that be great. That would have been awesome. That would have been awesome. In an alternate universe, yes. It's like a cartoon. Yes, essentially. Yeah, yeah, kind of like. Yeah, it is.

I mean, most of those movies are cartoons. Right. That trick us into thinking they're live action. Because every once in a while, they take off their face plate and you see like a real actor's face. You think they're tricking us? I think they're tricking us, yeah.

So, and that's a real crime. I never thought of entertainment in that way before that it's a trick. Oh yeah? It kind of is, yeah. If it works well, they've got you fooled completely. I just thought they were trying to entertain us. If you enjoy it and are entertained, you've been made a fool.

Yeah, you've been conned. You've been embarrassed, shame on you. It's disappointing to find out. Yeah, that's why Jason and I, we go to movies and we go, boom, this sucks. Yeah, nice try, turkeys. What if a movie doesn't have any special effects in it? Is it still a trick?

Yeah. I can't think of a movie that doesn't have special effects because even an edit is a special effect. Sure, or just like the actors pretending to be people they're not is a lie. Yeah. Well, I know that. I mean, I know they're not really people.

So if you saw a documentary that was all in one take, sure, that's fine. But I mean, I'm going into the movie knowing that it's fake. These are people pretending to be other people. The story's made up. But you're telling me they're trying to trick me? Yeah. I mean, it's a lot like when you know you're being conned, supposedly, but they're setting you up for the bigger con.

I don't follow that at all. I'm sorry. So these are common, they count on people knowing that they're being conned. The first con is an obvious con. So why do they go along with it? They go along with it just because they know. They're like, okay, now I want in on the con to con other people. The mark thinks they've outsmarted the con man.

Sure, sure, sure. You ever see the sting? Cons, layers of cons. You ever see the wrath of con? Arnold Schwarzenegger? Just about. Con Air? The hairdryer?

Oh, yeah, actually it is that too. How did they get away with that? Yeah, that's a good question. Was that just product placement? Was Con Air the movie supposed to be a play on Con Air, the hairdryer? It was, yes. But how did they get away with it?

I don't know. But for real, were people meant to think that? Wait, it was? Yes. Why would they do that? That can't be right. It is right, yes. Because Con Air has existed,

the hairdryer brand, for a long time. But I mean, you know for a fact. They're like, hey, you know it'd be funny if we called it Con Air, because it's convicts on a plane. I don't know for a fact, but what else could it be? There's no other reason to call it Con Air other than it's a parody of Con Air.

I guess my mind won't, yeah, it's not. My mind won't let me accept that. No, I agree, because it only works if you think of it as convicts in the air, con air, the way it would be like that's the airlines name or something. Right, right. But to be like, oh, and it's clever because people will think of the hairdryer.

And that doesn't work for me at all. I think that they hoped people would think they were in a giant floating hairdryer. Or do you think- Ooh, now that's a trick. They were like, people would think like, oh, let's go see that hairdryer movie, because that would be a draw. I love drying my hair.

Have they made a movie about it? I will say that explains why Nick Cage's hair looks like that, is there's no hairdryer in the movie. Just long, wet, and stringy. It does, but it blows in the wind. Oh yeah, it does. I remember this movie now. You do remote, yeah, yeah.

Great Dave Chappelle movie. One of the best. Yeah, Nutty Professor. Sure. I'm trying to think of it. Sleepless in Seattle. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I love this film. No, it was You Got Mail. You Got Mail! Yeah! That's right. He's Tom Hanks' guy. Yeah. Boy, I wish the Mail still said that.

And A Star is Born. You wish the Mail still said that. And a star is born. You wish the mail still said a star is born? A star is born, yeah. You wish your email said you've got mail? Email or regular mail. If my mailman came around and said- What, did your regular mail ever say you've got mail? The mailman.

Sometimes he would be funny, he'd go, you've got mail. Do you know your mail carrier's name? I do. I don't wanna say it here on air. I don't wanna give away my assassination coordinates, but. Uh. Is that what they're called now?

Assassination. Because they would be taking you down for political reasons. Is that what your message boards are saying? Anybody know the assassination coordinates for Scott? We've had the same mailman at Kissemini for as far back as I can remember. I can't believe he's not retired yet. His name is Jojo.

Jojo? Oh wow. Sometimes he carries the mail in his mouth. Why? Because he's carrying coffee or something? No, he's a real guy, but he does, he's sorting through the mail and he'll just put some in his mouth as he's rummaging in the bag.

And it's like, I don't like it either, but you can't stop him now. And now the mail, as he gets older and older, the male gets wetter and wetter. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah, does he ever like, does he have dentures? Does he ever accidentally leave them in like a letter when he delivers?

It happens. You know what's tough about that is like- One time he bit his own hand, they fell in there and he didn't realize it. And he was reaching it for a package. He's like, ah, there's a piranha in here. Pfft. and he didn't realize it. And he was reaching it for a package. He's like, ah, there's a piranha in here. He also sounds like he's halfway to the loony bit. Or is he just really old and maybe his dementia or something?

He has his bad days and his worst days. Oh geez, that's not good at all. It's tough because he's probably leaving like his biological evidence everywhere he delivers. So if any crime happens in any house on his route, his DNA will be all over the place. Do you know, Jason, I take it as a statement from him saying, I'm not gonna murder you.

Yeah, here's my DNA everywhere. That's how safe you can feel with me. His tooth imprint on your electrical belt. Here's my dental records right on right on this envelope here is blood here blood Yeah, sometimes, you know, he gets like sores from drinking too much grape juice. Oh I don't think I've ever good drink that much grape juice Okay. Yeah If you're drinking grape juice all the time, do you sell and drink grape juice at Gethsemane?

We have grape juice, yeah. Oh, okay. I mean, we have wine. I mean, that's grape juice in a way. Boy, speaking of the Bible, in Gethsemane, they were drinking wine, right? Let's dig into it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. A lot of wine in the Bible.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of drunkards in the Bible. A lot of drunkards. A lot of it makes sense when you're like, oh, these guys are just half in the bag all the time. Noah. Well, you gotta remember too, this is an era where nobody's drinking water.

There is no drinkable water. Some of the only things you can safely drink is wine and beer and these kind of things. I'm thirsty, better wait for these grapes to ferment. So the whole Noah thing was him just drunk off his ass, going get in here, animals. Yeah, maybe he told, God never spoke to him. So the whole Noah thing was him just drunk off his ass, going, get in here animals. Yeah, maybe he told, he like, no, God never spoke to him. That was just his idea.

Yeah. No, I mean, I don't think God ever spoke to any of these guys, right? What about that bush? The bush, you can't explain the bush away, can you? The burning bush? Yeah. What a powerful thing for a God to do.

What a terrifying thing to see it must've been. Oh my gosh. Well, cause it's so dry out there, you're like, Oh, we're in trouble. Who was smoking? You know, and then people start accusing each other. Yeah. And who's that bear who's who doesn't like a smokey smokey. The one you think he's the one who doesn't like forest fires. I mean, all of them are a little upset about it. There is like a, I wonder if they'll ever try and put Smokey together with McGruff the crime dog.

The crime dog, yeah. All of the- Anthropomorphic animals who don't like crimes. Correct, who are kind of trying to keep a watch on things. Do you remember when they did that like sort of photo realistic Smokey the bear, Smokey bear by the way, his name is Smokey bear. He's not Smokey the bear?

He's not Smokey the bear. Oh really? This is a Mandela effect. Really? Yes. The Mandela, okay, let me tell you The bear, Smokey Bear by the way. His name is Smokey Bear. He's not Smokey the Bear? He's not Smokey the Bear. Oh really? This is a Mandela effect. Really? Yes. The Mandela, okay, let me tell you about the Mandela effect.

Please do. CERN, you know CERN? I don't know CERN. The space? Space thing? Yeah. The space thing? What is CERN, Jason?

I believe CERN is the space department? No, isn't it searching for extraterrestrial life? It's like a super collider or something. Oh, okay. That's SETI. That's SETI, you're right. I apologize. CER searching for like a super collider or something. Oh, that's steady. That's steady. Yeah. I apologize. CERN is like a super collider. Got it.

Go ahead. Okay. And so it opened a rift and it caused our timeline to like ever so slightly. Just reset itself. Yeah. Reset itself in various ways. Oh. And this manifests itself in spellings of things.

Oh. And this manifests itself in spellings of things. The names of articles that you think are in a phrase but aren't anymore. Like Mr. Rogers saying, it's a beautiful day in this neighborhood rather than the neighborhood. Also Nelson Mandela dying in prison. So it's chilling to think about.

I'm so sorry to interrupt you. Yeah. Mr. Rogers saying this neighborhood So wait, I'm sure you think about just what I'm so sorry to interrupt you. Yeah Mr. Rogers saying this neighborhood instead of the neighborhood that's fucking me up, right? Exactly. It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood. Yeah, I That means he's excluding you. Yeah, he's saying the neighbor where I am. It's beautiful Only beautiful here when he would say the, I thought like, oh, that's like all of us. That's not, yeah. We're here with you. I figured he lived near me.

I know. I thought he was like welcoming me into, like now when you hear me saying, we're all in the same neighborhood. But when he says this neighborhood, I feel excluded. Yeah. But he didn't say it, right?

No, he does say this now. No, he doesn't. But of course. Is he still making shows? Scott, this now. No, he doesn't. But of course. Is he still making shows? Scott, this is. I saw that documentary on him, I don't remember, in the Tom Hanks movie about him. Does that exist?

Tom Hanks dressing up as Mr. Rogers? Impersonating him? Yeah. Try to walk into Mr. Rogers' bank? Cash some checks? Anyone who does, like Jamie Foxx should have done that with Ray. He should have like tried to go into the bank and go, hey, I'm Ray Charles.

Hey, I'm Ray Charles from four years ago. Can I take all my money out, please? At what point will one of those performances tip into just touring as that person? Like when does Austin Butler just start touring as Elvis? When does Austin Powers? Honestly, if Austin Butler did that, I think it'd be good. I bet it would be pretty good. I'd go see it.

Yeah, skating around. We're trying to do stuff like that. Jace, you don't know this, but at Kissemini Liquor and Scratcher, we try to do- You do theater productions on a makeshift stage? We try to, you know, because the liquor store is like the hub of the neighborhood. You know what I mean? It's where people go to have real conversations about stuff. Of course, like every American town. Exactly. Every American town. At the center, there's a post office, a town hall, and a liquor store. It's news, gossip, it's politics, it's philosophy, it's everything. And so we try to get the,

get some art involved in the community as well. So we've done a lot of plays there. We clear out some of the aisles and move the shelves back a little bit and then we build a stage out of cases of beer. And we've done some ambitious stuff. We did Miss Saigon last year. How did you land the helicopter?

Yeah, what was the helicopter? You know what we did? And this is, you're gonna like this because it's like Hollywood tricks, right? Okay. Here's what we did. We did like a toy helicopter. Okay.

But we lowered it, like right in front of the front row. Oh wow. So it looked bigger. A giant. Forced perspective. Yeah, forced perspective, exactly. It's like Indiana Jones's boulder. Exactly. Yeah, another lie.

That perspective was forced. Yes, upon the audience. And here's what they did with that. They made a small thing look bigger by putting it further away. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Well, that was ingenious. How did it go over? People loved it. Was it all Asian cast? Okay, well. We transformed it to another location to avoid that. Oh, okay. Did you call it Miss Saigon or?

We did call it Miss Saigon, but we spelled Saigon differently. Oh, okay. Interesting. P-S-Y. Oh, okay. G-O-N-E. Oh. Oh, wow.

And then we had a few nods to Gongerl in there as well. Smart. I love that. Like really mixing it up. The Sesame Street Muppet? Chef Gonger? Nevermind. Chef Gonger?

I don't remember him. I have a kid now. Mandela Effect. You are making the wrong... Gonger and Cookie Monster are both chefs. Oh, got it. Chefs? Chef it. Chefs? Do you remember when he used to.

Chefs, Chef Shellyos? Before the Mandela effect, he used to be Cookie Gentleman. Oh, really? And he would offer people cookies. Oh, how nice of him. Oh, that's really nice. I prefer that, actually, to the guy who's always taking them. Instead of gobbling them up like a monster.

That's right, and Kermit died in prison. Oh, whoa, well, for crimes against humanity. He was framed. Well, guys, we need to get to our next guest, if that's okay. Sure, this is very exciting. By the way, I would love if the Muppets next movie was an adaptation of The Fugitive starring Kermit.

Sure, you know what? I heard somebody- That's not a bad idea. I heard somebody talk about this on a podcast recently and it struck a chord with me. You listen to a lot of podcasts. I love podcasts, yes. True Crime Podcast. I listen to them in the store. True love podcasts, yes. It's great. True crime podcast. I listen to them in the store,

true crime past, hey shout out to all my murderinos out there. But I heard a guy say that when he was a kid and he saw the Muppet movie, that it disturbed him to see the Muppet's legs. Yeah. And I relate to that strongly. Yeah, I remember that.

It's unsettling. As someone who watched so much Muppet. I was excited because you never got to see him. So I was like, hey, show me a little bit of that leg. I don't think I knew it was, what? Show me a little bit of that leg. Hey, hey, camera, tilt down a little bit. They never would.

But as, yes, as a regular viewer of the Muppets on Sesame Street or the Muppet Show, to then see them flopping around with those, especially Kermit with those skinny little legs. Come on. Like, hey, what about leg, especially Kermit with those skinny little legs. Come on. Like, hey, what about leg day, Kermit? Yeah, hey, hey Kermit, how about juicing? How about getting some of that,

how about getting some of that steroids? You know who don't skip leg day? Fozzie. Because first, first you see Kermit riding that bike and it's like, I don't like this. It's too insect, insect-y, you know? But then you see Fozzie dance around like, uh-uh, I don't like this at all.

But then you see Rolf's legs and you're like, give me this. Yeah, look at those getaway sticks. Did that happen? I don't remember that. No, no, no. I mean, he's always at the piano. He's always at the piano.

He's probably pressing the pedals on the piano, you gotta assume. I'm fine to assume that, I don't wanna see. I mean, I'm hearing these notes sustained, so he's doing something down there. Well guys, we do need to get to our next guest. It's been eight years since we've talked to him. Scott, can I say thank you for having me

on this very special episode. Yeah, it's so wonderful to have the original Fig, yeah. So eight years is more than half the time we've been doing the show, so that's really interesting. Were you about to say you've been in business? Yeah, but more than half the time we've been in business, he is an underwater creature from the lost city of Atlantis I'm so excited to receive my invitation. I'll be here as quickly as I can.

Oh, as quickly as you could. Because you missed wet day by... What? You missed wet day by over three weeks. What day tomorrow? Uh... Is it today? No, no, April 10th.

What? We're in May already. Yeah. Yeah. How long did it take you to get here? Yeah. A long time. I wonder if this is anything to do with climate change or daylight savings. The two things that can make someone late. I don't know.

I'm just trying to help the guy out. He seems so distraught. Cardiff Drift. Oh, yeah. Card Oh, yeah. Oh, the date line. Oh, you must love Dateline. Hold on. Neptune. Of course. I love Dateline. Oh, it's great. What? Um, do you think you got Mandela affected? I don't know what else you should probably explain it to him. Do you know who Nelson Mandela is? Who? He's a land creature. I live in the city of Atlantis.

I am not familiar with the land of your surface life. The best way to describe Nelson Mandela is he's a guy who lived on land. You start there and then zoom out. Oh, of course. But yeah, I wouldn't know much about it. Okay, well, Neptune, it's great to have you back regardless of if it's belated for wet day or not.

Well, it's wonderful to be here. The invitation I received was a printed invitation and it was rather smudged by the time I got it. So is your mailman JoJo too? Yeah, actually. JoJo makes out, he's way down to Atlantis. That's the name of my mailman. Wow. Well, it's wonderful to have you, Neptune.

I mean, the last time you were here, you had come to warn us of an impending war between- And I am still warning you, Everett Scott! That's why I was looking forward to using the occasion of Wednesday... ...to renew my warning to the people of my land. You have to renew a warning? Evidently. Like renewing your vows? Well, no, it's different from that.

Or renewing your license, I guess. Still, also never. It just means I'm warning you again. OK, what was the war between sea life and... He's getting so animated. He's getting very agitated, I should say. This was my plan to sort of celebrate with him, play along, and then at the right moment get serious.

I will say the floor is soaked. Do you want to put towels down? He's getting drier and drier. I'm worried about him. How long can you be outside the water? I don't know. You've never tested this? I am curious.

I'm curious two things. How long can you stay out of water, and how robust will that voice be for that length of time? I also don't know Moment to moment is a test of my abilities But I would appreciate having someone dump a glass or even a bucket of water I don't think we have a bucket but I'll take it in any vessel. Is beer. Okay? No Are you nursing a beer over there? I brought a case for everybody. Oh, okay

Case for everybody. That's awesome. We're getting a new stage. Oh You're getting an official stage No, just different brand of beer We should I know comedy bang bangs going on tour or we you should play Yeah, get so many. Oh, we should buy your liquor. I would love them. Where is that located? It's somewhere Yes on 3rd Street. All right Do you have any salt water liquid left? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So what if you mix it up real good? I guess I don't know how to do that I get a spoon and stir it around you'll never dissolve salt in the water. I never will no Go challenge challenge except gauntlet picked up

Well here let me let me throw some of this on you Okay, I don't think I just can be choosers here. That's gonna be my- I never begged. I mean, you were down on your fish knees. My celebrity beverage is just gonna be salt water. Oh, yeah. Like everybody's got their signature vodka or gin. Yeah, why can't we drink salt water?

I think it's water. It kills us. Oh, that's- Are you gonna have on a label, like, for we drink salt water? I think it's water. It kills us. Oh, that's right. Are you gonna have like on a label like for gargling purposes? Yes, for gargling purposes only. Or for keeping. For breathing. For keeping underwater people alive.

I gotta ask Neptune, this war that is supposedly coming, the green sea life and humanity, how are you guys gonna all survive up here? I mean, you haven't lasted 10 minutes without me throwing water on you. I know, the plan is not for the secretors to invade the land. The plan is a coordinated attack

when you're on your so-called bones. Okay, so when we're on like hovercrafts and jet skis and stuff, you guys are gonna- You went right to hovercraft. Right, yeah. Hover hover crafts and jet skis and stuff, you guys are right to hovercraft. Yeah hovercrafts and jets He said boats And you spoke

hovercrafts and just imagining like the summers that this must be taking place in the summer Neptune and Neptune original fig 70 garden and scratcher Are you is it only people that are on boats or you have no plan to come on to land to do anything? Of course not. The plan is that all of the creatures of the sea are talking about whales, are talking about sharks, are talking about arctomuses, ants, plants, and things you haven't even heard of. Things we haven't heard of, oh, like,

there are things that, yeah, I mean, it's a lot of us. From the depths of the darkest deepest parts of the ocean. Neptune, tell me it's not gonna involve those fish with the flashlights on their heads. Of course it is. They're like transparent. Those are different dudes. The guys where you can see their brains.

Oh yeah. No. All you can see their brains. Oh yeah. No. All of my brain visible friends. Wait, Neptune, I'm so sorry to ask this question, but are you here because you're warning us because you don't think what your people are planning is good? Of course.

You are, you're a- Pro-humanity? Yeah, you're a piece. Cause you sound real angry. I have spent the last eight years working so hard to keep my people peaceful, to prevent the creatures of the sea from rising up against the people of Earth. But no like you failed? Every day is like, uh, like any day I go to bed and there hasn't been a war between the sea people and the land people is a miracle.

What's a bed? It's a water bed, right? Of course it's a water bed. By default. What else would I have to do? How can you help it? How can you help it? It's a water bed. And I use one of those

weighted blankets. Oh, okay. I keep myself. A water bed under the water has got to be the wettest water bed. Yeah. And unbelievably warm. I would almost think, underwater, the really, what a cool thing,

unique thing would be an air a dry bed an air a bed filled with air yeah oh yeah so unique like an air mattress yeah didn't you see Godzilla minus one I did not they defeated him with air mattresses first they sunk him with bubbles. Then they're like. What? Yeah, this is true. First, they were like, this is just their big plan. Who, by the way?

The scientists. They're defeating Godzilla, we presume? Godzilla, yeah. No, Godzilla. No, these are two different movies. You're thinking of Godzilla X-Kong. Yeah, where they collab. That and Godzilla minus one are two different movies.

Two different Godzilla movies that came out in the span of a few months. Did you think they just get two titles? Yes. That's what I thought. Yeah. I don't know if that really happens, does it? Two, yeah, I mean, I guess,

Live, Die, Repeat. But they changed it. But they changed it only when it does. Ghostbusters Afterlife. Star Wars and Star Wars Episode 4. That's true. So you do know some of our movies. Yeah, so it's interesting. Your references appear to be from the 70s. You're dialed in completely. But if it's modern times, you seem to have a dad's or uncle's understanding of modern

culture. I'm going to ask you a question. Are you familiar at all with Dread Zeppelin? I am. It almost. I was. Transient they were like a legitimately good way man. Good stuff, yeah. And Torch Elvis was a talented Elvis of ours. It was, yeah. They were great.

Shouldn't have worked, but it did. It did, somehow it worked. How have they not come back? Why aren't they playing the circuit? First time I ever saw myself in a tiny club and the guitarist had big long sideburns and we thought that must be the Elvis impersonator. Oh boy. And then Tortellvis came in from the back

and just with the cape and just was a big spotlight. They might be the reason they're not together anymore. Tortellvis saying all the time, hey man, I'm the sideburn guy. Get rid of those fine sideburns. You don't think he was in all the time, hey man, I'm the sideburns guy. Get rid of those five sideburns. You don't think he was in on the entertainment trick? You don't think Tortell was in on the entertainment trick? Like you go out there with the sideburns and then we'll blow their minds

when I come in front of the back. Right. I doubt it. It's if you're listening to Dread Zeppelin, like, you know, obviously in underwater circumstances, is there just not compelling bands where you are? Like, are you having to listen to Surface? And are you listening to them in those shower speakers down below the seat? Bluetooth battery low.

We do have those. Remember that band, the Aquaman, where the octopus was playing the drums? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. We're all tired of the lapses. I can only imagine, huh? So, hey, here's my new album.

It's 31 tracks, they all sound the same. Oh wait, what am I thinking of? Just drums. Wow, watch out. Watch out. Nevermind. I don't want to upset the Swifties. Oh wait, what am I thinking of? Just drones. Wow, watch out not gotten Scott's multiple texts about which are Maddie Healy songs and which are Joe Alwyn songs? It's more Mandela effect.

Don't you remember Taylor Swift was a country star? I swear to God, I remember Taylor Swift doing country music. I remember when she wrote the movie Argyle and these are these were irrefutable facts Did you not do not hear the repeated rumor that she wrote the movie our guy why would they blend that on her? What did you do before the movie even came out there was a the Swifties thought that she had written the upcoming movie, Argonne. Do you think the Swifties are playing a joke? Oh, wow. I would love it if the Swifties had like real sense of humor.

You're gonna call us crazy? Guess what? Guess what? We're gonna start tricking you. Well, look guys, we have to- They have the power. We have to take a break. Is that all right?

Can you stick around, Neptune or? I suppose I'm- Yeah, we should probably find out more about this war. Yeah, when it's happening. I know! How do you keep distracting me? The war is happening! Okay, we gotta hear about the war,

but we do need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna have more with Jason Madzoukas, more original Fig. Hopefully Shime won't come in with those dings. We'll also have more Neptune. Gotta stay out! Okay, thanks Shimi. What did you say?

Gotta stay out. August Lens. August is still shadowing Shimi. And also we have Neptune here to talk about the war between these surface dwellers. What's this coming? Any minute. Oh, okay.

Well, hopefully not during these ads here because we all have to listen to those, but we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah more Comedy Bang Bang after this! Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here from the How Did This Get Made podcast. Also, Original Fig. How you doing? Doing great. Doing great. I was talking to a listener. Oh, okay. And what productions do you have coming up? You did Miss Saigon. Do you have something coming up soon with a new stage? Yeah, we're gonna do, you know, 12 Angry Men.

Sure, yeah. Obviously, now you can do it with, it's not just men, you know, because we're past that point in history where only jurors could only be men. Yeah, that hasn't really made a lot of sense, right? Like, it seems like a lot of the women would be free to be jurors. Well, they have to take care of the home. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I hasn't really made a lot of sense, right? Like it seems like a lot of the women would be free to be jurors. Well, they have to take care of the home. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I guess that's the assumption.

So are you still doing 12 of them? We're gonna do 24. 24? 24 angry people. Cause now it's in the future. Smart. Oh, where juries are. Where every jury's twice as large. Yes. Twice.

Because they, because- Neptune is here, by the way. This is a world where the only political leverage in America is each successive president keeps back in the Supreme Court. Oh. So then it trickles down to all courts. Trickle down theory.

Everything gets bigger. There's like three, four judges for a case. Oh, it's like that, what's that TV show where they have three judges at one time? The Voice? I would love it. I would love it if The Voice was just like, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy. There's a judge show with multiple judges?

It's something like bench. Like a tribunal? Bench court or something? That sounds exciting. It's not. But it's still like people have to have receipts hot bench hot bench Summer in the city Neptune is here and is here to talk to us

Is that part of your thing or What's your favorite pig out food or? I have been bringing the Hillelwales for years. Are you single? What do you ask me? What's your favorite pig out food? What's your guilty pleasure movie? Stop trying to distract me! What's your guilty pleasure Sunday after? The Hillelwales are attacking speed boats! We'll get, for Neptune, we'll get to that.

We'll get to that. To be fair, I feel like they've stopped doing that, haven't they? Yeah. Did we stop it or did you stop. We'll get to that. To be fair, I feel like they've stopped doing that, haven't they? Yeah, did we stop it or did you stop it? Only through my efforts have they slowed down attacking speed boats. All right, well we got to get to this plan, but before we do we need to bring in our next guest. She is a social media manager who is here to give us tips about how to use our devices and how to, I guess sort of like what August Lint did in telling us how to get rid of all these dings, but she's here to help us with all these with tips.

Please welcome Francesca Bonaise. Oh my god, every time with a fucking tip. I don't give a tip. You must have one tip though. Yeah, my tip is go kill yourself. Wow. Wow. K-Y-S. You must have one tip though. Yeah, my tip is to go kill yourself Wow K. Y. S. Scott are you are you gonna take that tip? I'm gonna pass on that tip. I have a suggestion for you Scott. This is how I see you going. This is how I want you to die. Oh, great, alright.

Go on! You get the chopped up into 100 different pieces. Okay, how does that happen? Does someone do it or I do it myself? No, it just happens. You go to the deli, we have you put on a slicer. Am I doing like those Jersey Mike commercials that Danny DeVito does where he's like,

gets too close to the slicer and then. You love Jersey Mike. I love a Jersey Mike. My second favorite, J.M. Jack McBrayer, number one. Yeah, I want you to get sliced up into a bunch of really skinny pieces. Really thin slices, like really delicious looking. Very skinny, like a perfect turkey sandwich, it's so small.

And then I feed you to rats, and then they kill themselves. Oh, okay, wow. So you make a sandwich for the rats. Yeah, it's a beautiful sandwich. Are the slices stacked up all nice? Oh, it's so nice. Or do you do that ratty? Fold them over? Yeah, where you get it.

Oh, yeah, no, I do it nice and pretty for Scott. Wow. The most beautiful sandwich ever. Did you just wink? You just, I saw it too. I just wasn't, I wasn't sure who it was for. Or if it was a general wink to the roof. We gotta make this a wink-less podcast

as well as a ding-less podcast because. Why? I get to wink that all the time by you. Jimmy. Yeah, what's up? Can you do anything about winks? Of course I can. You just have to change your settings!

Okay. Gotta do! Francesca, what's going on? We haven't seen you in a while. I know, I miss you. Oh! I miss every moment about you. Well, I know.

Oh my gosh. What have you been up to? For the listener who doesn't know who Francesca is, Francesca worked at Bed Bath and Beyond. Bed Bath and Beyond, they did it. In like customer service, oh, that's what it was. Well, I did a social media account for them, but I didn't have to run the account.

What I did is I responded to comment on the account. Let's say for example, I don't know, Instagram, for example. Sure. And then I go in the comment and I say, I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I bought the refrigerator. I opened up the freezer. That's probably in Beyond.

I don't think, I have never seen. My guess is. Maybe I haven't made it down to the basement levels, but I have not seen. I don't think appliances are part of it, but maybe it's covered in Beyond. Okay. I went to Bed, Bath and beyond, I bought a car.

I bought a Hyundai Sonata. I buy a Kia, I open the door of the funky refrigerator, and inside I find a bunch of tiny little buns of hair. Buns of hair? Tiny buns. Tiny buns of hair. B-buns of hair? Tiny buns. Tiny buns of hair? Top nuts cut off of people's ass heads. Oh.

In the freezer. In the freezer? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- Neptune, you don't like to hear about freezers, right? You don't like to think about the water of the earth freezing. Oh, well, I mean, up in the poles where it's supposed to be cold, that's fine.

But you ever read that Vonnegut book with ice nine and a cat's cradle? No. I read a God bless you, Mr. Rosewater. Reckless of Champions? Slice fine. Welcome to the monkey house. That's it. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I know audiobooks for sure, but... You should read audiobooks. Why, thank you. I've been told that before. I don't think that's a compliment, but okay.

But like a seahorse? How many fun seahorses? I'm not making fun of them. They're very sad. Do they speak English? Sure. Just wondering. All right, anyway, Francesca,

so you would write to these people. Yeah, so I respond to comments like that and I say, okay, Braxton from New Jersey, I'm so sorry you buy a refrigerator with a bunch of top knot in the freezer. You find a hair? Because you a piece of shit. why not take your family of four, go drive off a cliff in your kiosk or rental? So you would tell these customers that, and then they would retract their claim? Or?

No, no. No, they would just feel bad about it. How do you find out what they drive? I go to their Instagram. I see the picture of the smiling family on a vacation in fucking Hurricane Utah. Where? Hurricane Utah? Hurricane Utah? Hurricane Utah? Hurricane Utah? Near Zion National Park? Could you spell Erkin? Yes, H-E-R-K-A-N.

Oh, got it. I think we're putting too much of ourselves out there online. Exactly. It's so easy for you to find out all this information and then use it to weaponize it. That is how a lot of true crime stories start, is the person has too much access to the victim. Never post when you're on vacation. is how a lot of true crime stories start. Is the person has too much access to the victim.

My ears are perking up. Never post when you're on vacation. So you do like a deep dive on these people if they say, I found Heron something. Yes. I find out where they live or where they work, how much money they make. Then you can do like a targeted roast.

Yes, and I say, I'm so sorry, Daniel, for your job working in marketing Fucking Any place really lots of places have marketing Spectrum of corporation Marketing department of the spectrum. Okay. Okay. Well, we just. Our interest has peaked.

Yeah. Is it? It is. Your mind are blown. My question for you, Francesca, is having now shared time with you multiple occasions, it seems like a lot of Bed Bath and Beyond products are finding, people are finding hair in them.

Yes. It's funny you know that, yes. Is there an epidemic of? Now, how, what's the, where's that originating from? Yeah. You mentioned top knots. And I, yes, so those appear to be coming straight off of scalps.

Yes. Yeah, I know. It's not just like, oh, there's sweepings of hair from a barber shop. Sure, yeah. This seems like people are- Was it like a massacre of the cast of Bonheads? Amy Sherman Palladino's ballet theme show?

Starring Sutton Foster? Absolutely. That's right. Yes, well, you know, people think it is Mr. Beyond. Wait, there's an actual Mr. Beyond? Yes, Mr. Beyond. What? CEO of Bad Mr. Beyond. Yes, have you spun off a?

No, we gotta do a CBB Presents True Crime podcast with the original Fig. Hosted by the original Fig. I'm gonna hold you to that original Fig. We just made it happen right here. Okay. The crimes of Bed Bath and Beyond. You have your first source.

Yeah, your first source. Mr. Beyond is behind all this, it sounds like. Mr. Beyond, he hates hair. He hates hair! Really? But he love it too. Okay. Alright.

He hate it when it on the head. Oh, he love it when it in the products. He love it when it's stuffed in a pillow or in a fridge. But he likes to be able to see it. He likes to be able to see it, because when it's on your head, you can't look at it at the same time. Exactly, yeah. You can't even see it when it's on other people.

But is it only, is it- Don't know about that. This is a weird. Oh, do you guys have hair underwater? Okay. Sure. Yeah. And it like flows in the water.

It's like, but it looks beautiful. Do you have clothes down there or are you just wearing them here? Oh, uh. Did you like steal them off a clothesline or something? Not off a clothesline. Oh, where? Are you like a shape of water?

Oh, no. Okay, you're not like an abyss creature. You're not like a. Are you a splash? Oh, good one, yes. Or an aerial. I'm a man from Atlantis. I'm not a splash.

A manlantean? Well, if you like. But you're not a mer-man, because you have legs. That's correct. Although splash, she had legs until she got wet, but we've dumped water on you. Nothing changes when I get wet or dry.

Right, are there mer merpeople down there? And are they allowed to have sex with a mermaid? Don't be ridiculous. That is absurd. So you look the same underwater and out of the water. We probably should have asked him about the war. So Francesca, do you... Have you met Mr. Beyond? Yes, I am very close with Mr. Beyond.

We are... Yes, we have a hot dog. Whoa, dang! Holy shit. Dish sister? Yes, we had to eat it with our fingers. Spill the tea. Is that why you have such a short pixie cut?

Yes, he cut off my hair. He shaved my head. We have sex in the hair. Okay. It was fine. Not the best sex I ever had in my life. Who was the best sex you've ever had in your life? Just a quick roll in the hair.

Oh God, who's the best sex in my life? Biden. Who had sex with Joe Biden? Which Biden? Or Hunter Biden. The old one. Could be. Not Dr. Jill Biden.

Dr. Jill Biden. Yes, it was Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden. Wow. Was it on an Amtrak train? Yes. She went down on me five and a half hours.

Five and a half hours. Too long. That's a half hour too long. That's longer than the trip from DC to Delaware. That is not a half hour too long. If anything, it should be two, three hours more. I don't know. You lose your stamina, Scott. It might not have been the Oceala.

True. It was the local stuff. Shark attacks are up 150% of the Northeastern United States. Weird. But here's my question, still you haven't answered it. Are you single? Guess I'm single. What are you looking for in a partner?

Wimped feet, wimped hands, gills. So you're superficial. So you're super superficial. Oh, come on, Jason. Are you saying gills. So you're superficial. So you're super superficial. Oh, come on, Jason. Are you saying gills on the body or named Gil? Gills on the body, so they can breathe under water. Okay, so you're not interested in a dry lander. Absolutely not.

What do you call people on, I'm just saying dry lander. Yeah, is there like some sort of pejorative term for, you know, like muggles, you know? Just land dwellers. Why is muggle pejorative? Well, I mean, you know, it's kind of looking down. I don't think muggle is, oh yeah, I see what you're saying. Scott the Love, J.K. Rowling.

Yeah. Have you seen what she's been up to lately? No. I haven't checked in with her in a while, but. You forward me a lot of her stuff and say, see, she gets it. I am on the same email chain, by the way. And then it's just hentai.

Sometimes I get an email, please, Francesco, come to my house. I'm having a six course dinner. Every course a piece of shit. Tyree on first course. I don't know how this got started by the way. What are you talking about? When you first started, I was eating a salad that night. Backstage, now I see inside your little tray.

I don't know why you thought it looked like shit or it smelled like shit. Your face covered in shit. Get away from my shit, no I'm eating it. Don't take it in. I don eating it. Don't take it. I don't know, I don't know. You know that's not true, it's okay.

So this is where you were working, was Bed Bath & Beyond. Have you moved on? I got a new job, yeah. You got a new job, where are you? I got a new job. One of them won't make him sick. Yeah.

That's. I believe our friend Rudy North sang that originally, but. Francesca, what song were you doing? What what song were you doing? new job concrete jungle New York New York, and we were all doing you want a new drug by a Lewis. Okay. It's almost like there's an age game It's almost almost like our song doesn't matter to anybody below a certain age.

Francesca, what do you know about Dread Zeppelin? Tortell this Charlie Hodge. What is Charlie Hodge? He's the guy who would deliver towels to Tortell. Oh, okay. I worry for you guys. That's his stage name, Charlie Hodge? Yeah, I think it's based on the real assistant.

The James Brown guy who would come and put the cape on him? No, but based on Elvis' version of that. He would come with towels and water and stuff. I'm sorry, I fall asleep during this conversation. You know, Carl Jha, Jopal Joe? All the members. Ed Zeppelin. So where are you working now, Francesca?

Oh, sorry, I wake up, oh my god, I'm so fucking boring for like ten minutes. Um, let's see, where I work now, I do a job at the Subway! Subway! Wait, dude, the underground? Eat shit! So you saw Scott eating so much shit that you were like, I wanna work where people are forced to eat shit. I say, I have a lot of experience, you know. I work with Scott Ackerman sometimes.

They say, okay, please get in here. We need you near the ship. So what do you actually do for Subway? Or do you make the sandwich? Are you a sandwich artist? Are you a sandwich artist? Do you grind up the yoga mats? It is so funny you say that.

No, I responded to social media, but everybody complained, I found a yoga mat in my turkey. You know, uh, I find a fish inside of my beef. You know, a lot of people- Somebody find a fish inside their beef? I find a bone inside of my loaf of bread. A lot of people thought that the tuna wasn't actually tuna. It is not tuna. It's not tuna.

I mean, Neptune. Neptune, what do you think about that? It's right there in your name. Do we eat tuna? Oh. Don't eat tuna. They're wonderful people. No, they're fish. They're fish, but yeah.

And sometimes when it's sushi, we eat them raw. Oh my God, that's my favorite. At least do them the dignity of cooking time. What can we eat from the sea? Sometimes we take their eggs out and we eat those eggs. Just as a garnish. I honestly never thought about this, but any cannibals out there,

if you're gonna eat me, don't eat me raw. Please. Put me over a nice open flame. Do me the dignity of roasting. Do something like, give me to Francis Mollman, the guy who cooks over fire in Argentina, from that episode of Chef's Table that was just... This is very specific to you, Jason.

Him throwing meat on a fire. I'm just picturing him throwing big meat on a fire. Like just on a campfire? Yeah, like on a big giant bonfire. No, like grill or anything, he just throws it on a fire. There's some stuff on there, but it's really just, it is crazy. Unfortunately, this is not a dread zeppelin.

This is not something the whole office can agree on. I'm okay. I'm hoping people get turned onto this because it's nuts. Yeah. Sorry, I fell asleep again. What are you talking about? So this is great. I can't believe dread zeppelin.

Dread zeppelin gets universal understanding. And Francis Maulman is a zero. Well, sure, you got cheese. You got fresh cheese. Rasta Limon. Ja Ja Gabor. That's Ja Ja. Ja Ja Gabor.

Thank you. Oh man. Ed Zeppelin. What does Ed Zeppelin do in the band? Was he the bongo drummer? Okay. Yeah, oh do you, we have a bongo drummer who comes on the show every once in a while.

Oh, Joe Bongo. Joe Bongo, yeah. Oh. Good friend, friend of the pub. Do you like bongo? I mean, obviously the octopus who does the drums down there. That asshole has four sets of bongos and he plays all at once.

Yeah. Yeah. And he makes such a hot shit. We should probably. Shannett Tuna, have we gotten to, what do you do for a living? I have a saltwater taffy shop. I would think that would be very normal.

I think that you could just call it a taffy. Did you say taffy or tuffy? That's a taffy. We probably should talk about that word. Francesca. You're in Subway. I am in Subway. I still do social media for Subway now. Oh great. Okay.

So not for the actual account. What kind of things do people... What tips do people... What tips do people somebody says i found fish in my beef people say i find bone in my i open my philly g6 sandwich and i find a entire salmon an entire sam head and all eyes with a bone and eye with a skin i say okay Chad I So sorry you get off your workout that fucking LA Fitness And you so hungry for a sandwich at 11 a.m Cuz you wake up a fucking for okay time to eat a sandwich 11 a.m That feels disgusting yeah anything pre noon I'm not eating real food if I if I you are in a subway before noon

There's something very wrong. I worry for you I don't know if you've been up since 5 a.m. I can't do it. I can't eat a sandwich before noon I feel like a monster. I see some ice is cut in there. He said, please give me the breakfast I love the subway breakfast. I love the wrap with the egg and the cheese I even know it tastes like cardboard shit! Please I'll have two! Anyway, he's like, I want more Southwest sauce! Anyway!

Yes, anyway! Reset! So they complain, I say, okay Chad, you're a life in this piece of shit. Why you not take your kettlebell, go shove it so far up your ass, you puke out that pair of dumbbells that hit you in the head as you fall down the cliff and die? And what good does this do though? So on the way up, the kettlebell separates into two dumbbells. Yes. I'm so glad you caught that. Oh, yeah.

It's a very important detail. Did it boss us in some way? Are they cool with you doing this? Do they know you're doing it? They have no idea I do it. I make the cookies. It's my day job. Oh, that's your actual job. Oh, so these businesses you've worked for,

we've never talked about this. They have no idea you're doing this? Oh, no. This is my free time. That's why I'm not... So, wait. You're doing it from your personal account. You're answering these messages. Yes. But they know with me. They know I work for them. By the way, have you started... You must have your own Instagram account where you're actually doing this to Subway and Bed Bath & Beyond? Yes. I go, you know who this is? Francesca Bolognese. So people can look you up. You're getting really full of yourself.

I am? You know who this is. You know who this is. Like, you know what? What are you talking? I bet you could have seen this coming. It's me. It's me.

Francesca Bolognese. You should say, and I, of course, I'm Francesca Bollinesi, like Nick Lachey does. Yeah, you should also come in like Christina does on that one commercial where she says, "'Hi, it's Christina again." Again. What?

What is that? From, you know, Christina LaMusa, or whatever her name is. Oh no. Is she in Dread Zeppelin? I don't. I don't. You know her and Tarek. If she's not in Dread Zeppelin? I don't. I don't. You know her in Tar-

Tarix ex-wife? Who? Who? Who are you talking about? You know from the show where they would flip or flop. Is this all- Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. But she has a commercial on now where she comes in and the first thing she says is,

Hi, it's Christina again. I thought it was like all my children or something. I thought it was, yes, I thought the person, it doesn't matter. Flip or flop? Flip or flop? Flip or flop,, I thought the person, it doesn't matter. Flipper flop, flipper flop. Flipper flop, yeah. No, no, it's three words. We live in houses. It's three words.

No, not flipper. No, it's three words. Not flipper, it's three words. Do you know flipper? Flipper was a hit, but then flipper was a flop, the movie. Oh, what? So then they thought of flipper flop. With Paul Hogan.

You must stop eating fish. You must stop warming the oceans. The war is coming! We'll do all that, but have you ever seen Flipper Flop? We live in houses up here, you know. What? We live in houses. They're like, uh... Well, fucking congratulations.

What do you live in down there? Is what I, like... We live in goddamn houses in Atlanta. Okay, sorry! What have they made of, Carl? He really is such a condescending piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're a great guy.

You're a great guy. I'm really, I'm really. Neptune, Neptune. What? Why does SpongeBob live in a pineapple-shaped house and everybody else's house is shaped like a house? I am so fucking tired of people asking me questions about SpongeBob.

I don't know what that is or what they're talking about. You know Dread Zeppelin. I know Dread Zeppelin. You don't know Mandela. I know what that is. Oh, what are you talking about? You know Dread Zeppelin. I know Dread Zeppelin. You don't know Mandela. I know a few variables. All right, well, look, we need to get to our next guest. Oh my God. Okay, fine, we can get to someone else, I guess.

Yeah. I first got to know this gentleman when he had a job replacing the ice in the urinals at my favorite restaurant, Domiano's. D'Omeos. D'Omeos, sorry, yes. What did the pandemic do to your fucking brain? I got mom brain right now.

He had the long COVID for sure. The longest COVID. Billy Joel. I'm sorry, it's called Daddy-omeos? Dadomeos. Dadomeos. Dadomeos. It went out of business because their takeout sucked.

2020 was hard for a lot of people. Yeah. Let's think back to it. What's that? Deedadudeos? No, Dadomeos. Dadomeos. Is there something, am I mandelling my own mouth?

Is it Deodorios? Now, I'm starting to get the impression that you guys are fucking with me. Oh no, we're sorry to do that. Sorry. But let me welcome to the show, please welcome Randy Snuts. Oh nice, finally a welcome. Hi, Randy. Just seven minutes of shitting on my head.

Just kidding, thanks for the welcome. I'm hungover right now. What's going on? Why are you hungover? From Twisted Fest. Oh shit. Oh you guys had Twisted Fest recently. I don't know when this episode claims to have been recorded, but... I'm confused about that, too.

The canon for me is that it's being recorded on 420, and I'm very upset that you invited me here. I beg your pardon, Reddy. I didn't mean to invite you on a day that was so precious to you. Yeah, because this is the people's Christmas. Jesus rolled out of the tomb, took like 17 days, and then hooked back up with the apostles and lit the fattest spliffs. I did not read that part of the Bible. I mean, original Fig here is a Bible enthusiast.

Yeah. A bibliophile? Hey, yeah, I never made that connection before. Yeah. But I guess I'm a bibliophile. The original book. It means the book. Yeah. Anyway, he loves the Bible. Hell yes, we're rocking and rolling.

Momentum is picking up. We're making connections. It didn't stop short the minute you started talking. As a true crime aficionado, I feel like Jesus's trial was a kangaroo court. I feel like the charges were trumped up. Get him a new trial. And I think they executed an innocent man.

That's what I've been saying. He didn't even have time to appeal. No, there was no appeal process. I don't think he even had legal representation. Yeah. Absolutely not. He rode a donkey into town for Passover. Put him on the fucking cross! So you know Jesus.

I know Jesus. And you know, above, did Jesus go to Atlantis? Did Jesus go underwater? Yeah, you ever make it down there? You walk underwater, right, though, Jesus? Was he too good for it? Oh yeah, if he walks underwater, does that mean you like him or you hate him?

I don't like them at all. Like, come on in, man. See, we don't like him on wet day because he refused to get wet. That's right. I don't like him either. You're on record not liking Jesus. I'm not a fan.

I think it was intentionally provocative to ride that donkey around. When, I have a question. He was asking for it, is what you say? I have a question. And also, look what he was wearing. Us humans, when we die... Crumped up. We assume we're going to travel up to heaven in the clouds.

Do you think you're going to travel up as well to the clouds or just up to the earth? We have a heaven that is just below the water line. Oh, wow. In the ocean. But couldn we have a heaven that is just below the water line. Oh, wow. In the ocean. Couldn't you just swim up there? I mean, you already made it up to here. So you had to go through heaven to come to this podcast recording?

Well, yeah, but it's like when you go in a hot air balloon, you pass through heaven. You pass the clouds, that's a good point. Oh, thank you. All right, well, we'll get to the war in a second. But yes, hi, Randy. Oh, no, I'm too hungover for you to direct questions. Randy, who played Twisted Fest?

I'm so curious. Twisted Fest was sick. The live stream is probably not still available because this is a different date. Don't get hung up on the dates. I'm so frustrated and hung up on, I'm too hung over to not get hung up on stupid stuff. Yeah, so you had a great night though.

Yeah, absolutely. We pre-gamed at McCoskey's, then we went to Twisted Fest. We partied with the witch, she cursed me, and then when she uncursed me, it was like, fuck it, we're gonna party like it's, I don't know, a couple years ago. Wow. Like 2020?

Pretty cinematic. Yeah, like we're partying like it's February 2020. Oh man. We did it, Joe. We 2020. Oh man. We did it, Joe. We did it, Joe. We did it, Joe. Do you remember what a great month that was? Absolutely. We, I saw the Invisible Man that month.

You did? Yeah, at the dome. The old show from the 70s? No, the, what's the name for Mad Men? The Elizabeth Moss. Was there a TV show, The Invisible Man? I don't know, I got Mandela'd again. You know what I saw in The Sphere?

Invisible Mandela'd. I saw The One I Love with Elizabeth Moss at The Sphere. Whoa. Elizabeth Moss, Mark Duplass. You saw this at The Sphere in Vegas? Vegas? One night only. At The Sphere?

There was a mistake, we're playing The One I Love. 2015's Hot Mumblecore Classic. St not one, but two Elizabeth Mosses. Not one, but two Mark Duplass. Plus plus plus I do plus. Yeah. The Duplassie Duplassie high. Yes. Were you a Degrassi fan? Oh, my friend Aubrey. I got Degrassi high a few times.

Oh, hell yeah. You know, I did. I tuned in for a second thinking it was some kind of like weed show. Oh yeah. And then you were like, wait, Spike's pregnant? I don't understand what's going on. I need to smoke. How'd you get that extra large Smith shirt to wrap around her belly? Nevermind.

Go back to the Dren's Upland roughs. Hey, Jason and I are on the same page. We're good, we're good. Yeah, I guess I don't watch as much children's television as you do. Get on board, my guy. So. I'd love to introduce you to Bluey.

Bluey is a very good show, very emotional. Bluey's fantastic. I put Bluey on the iPad for Carissa any time she's acting up. Oh really? Yeah, I give her CBD treats fantastic. I put Bluey on the iPad for Carissa anytime she's acting up. Oh really? Yeah, I give her CBD treats and I just put Bluey on. Nine minutes at a time, it lulls her. Chris is not gonna show up here, is she?

I hope not. You know he's based on a real dog. Who, Carissa? Are you fucking kidding me right now, Randy? Who's this? Oh no. No, I'm too hungover for this. I ask that she not be here.

I'm sorry everyone. this is Karissa. Do you have a last name? Varakis. Karissa Varakis. Are you Greek? I'm Albanian, Greek, born to back. Are you from Dune? Are you BA Varakis's sister?

No, but I have hooked up with guys that look like that with the bald heads. You know what I'm talking about? Were they all smiling? They look like toothless babies. What's the name of that family? The Harkinins. Harkinins.

Yeah, I hooked up with them. Cool. You hooked up with House Harkonins? Yeah. Harkinins you two. God, this is so awkward to be around my current boyfriend and all of my exes. I don't think I'm gonna Oh, don't do this.

Hooked up. By the way, this is Francesca Bollini. We have, uh, Hi, how you doing? You are so beautiful, wow. Oh my God, no, you're so hot, it's crazy. I never said that about other girls.

Is that what girls say to each other when they meet? Are your tits real? Yes, my tits are real. Are your tits real? My tits are fake. Oh my God. They're moving away from the microphone and kissing. Anyway, guys.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm so hungover. Okay, cool. All of my land dweller exes drowned. Oh no. Wait, so you have been with land dweller... Oh, wow. Land dweller.

So you would like pull them into the water and think that it would work and then they would drown? Yeah. A lot of times they wanna come into the water with me. So it's sort of like a splash thing where, I know we keep referencing splash, but Tom Hanks, that guy who dresses up like Mr. Rogers. Oh, from Asteroid City.

Yeah. He- It's interesting what you've seen and what you haven't. He gets lured, Darrell Hannah promises him that he can become Merman. He gets lured down there and that's the big happy ending of it. Would you tell your land dweller?

What I did that a couple times, let it start to feel bad. Wait, okay, hang on a second. I'm starting to think that you might be the beginning of the war. You might be slowly killing land dwellers by seducing them into the water, drowning them. You have murdered multiple land dwellers.

This might be- Multiple by three. That's a multiple of three. I know, I know. But nowadays I say, please don't come to the sea with me. You will drown. And sometimes they listen, and sometimes they don't. Randy, did you ever swim? Yeah, absolutely. I had a doggy paddle.

I mean, that's not really swimming. That's it. It'll get you out of a big jam. Yeah, it'll get you out of a jam. Save your life. You need to know more strokes than that? Yeah. Tell me what's your favorite stroke?

Back. Back and back, front, back, front. I like butterfly. Butterfly? Yeah. So you back, front. I like butterfly. Butterfly? Yeah. So you got big shoulders. I do. Take off that itchy jacket and show us your shoulders.

Here we go. Cheers. Whoa. Man. That's gotta be from both swimming and I'm assuming from like lifting like pegs. With all those cases. Absolutely.

All those cases of beer. I swim 90 minutes every day. 90 every day? 90 minutes every day. YMCA or where are you at? Anywhere I can. Anywhere I can. Anywhere you're at.

Other people's pools? OPB? OPB. You ever see that movie? Do you ever see that movie The Swimmer? No. Burt Lancaster? Burt Lancaster?

Sure. Oh no. He like swims through everybody's backyard to go home. We gotta do a Scott Hasn't Seen About That. Sure. Role play. Role play. Role play.

Role play. Role play. Role play. Roped you into two different choices. I would love to, sure. I talked about that movie. I swim 16 hours a day, I'm not a man, but that's where you live. Why do you have such skinny arms? Why are you so cocky about it though? You're such an asshole about it, you live underwater. I just can't stand somebody bragging about swimming for 90 minutes. What's that?

I gotta say, Neptune, for a guy, I would think you would have swimmers' bod or something, but you're kinda punchy around the middle. Not that I don't, you know, mention everyone's bodies. By the way, be careful, this could turn around bad on you. Scotty's fat-shaming again. I'm just saying, I'm surprised for someone who swims 16 hours. This is a real

swimmers' bod. I assumed it was just because the Smith shirt was too big. Oh, yeah. So where I get my clothes when I come up on the head is I steal them out of the bags of people who have fallen asleep on the beach. Oh. Beach sleepers?

That's right. Randy, favorite hangover food? It's got to be a burger. From or any burger? Preferably homemade, a smash burger. Mm, you smash your own burger. You're smashing at home? Yeah, with my hand on the griddle.

Oh no. Okay, so you don't have a weighted. Can I see your hand? Oh my God, that thing is just like. Only one hand is like so tough. Oh yeah, and the other one's filled with boils. Oh my God. Karissa, do you like that? I mean, being touched by those two ants?

I love it, yeah. But I do miss you if that's what you mean, Scott. Oh no, we never hooked up. Here's what's interesting though, and I don't wanna, you know, whatever, but I know that Karissa and Randy have a history, but Francesca's giving Randy crazy energy. Like flirtatious, like fuck me eyes all the way.

Yeah, why are you doing that? It's super crazy. Francesca. You ever think of cutting your hair? Wait, you wanna cut hair too? What a weird pickup line, but it's working. I'm into this. Yeah, I mean, I thought about it every once in a while.

You ever think about putting the hair somewhere else? Sure, yeah, I wouldn't it every once in a while. Do you ever think about putting it in your hair somewhere else? Sure, yeah, I wouldn't want to. Give me a pair of scissors, I cut off your hair. She's sitting in my lap. It's hard to say no. Yeah, I mean, you got to get a haircut at least once every six weeks. Just let her snip a little. By the way, you know I'm very small.

You know I'm only one foot tall. God, this is really doing it for me. Short girls. I can climb inside of your butt. You can climb at City My Butt, what? You can Asteroid City his butt. Asteroid City my butt. I can climb inside of your butt.

Make a little house. Neptune, would that be a nice house? That sort of like, sound like the beginning of a song. Like a Ween song, right? Make a little house. What are you asking me if I would be a nice house? You're the expert on houses. I don't know anything about a house inside a human ass.

Well, would it look like a pineapple? If you want to, there's a war coming. We don't have time for the war. Move, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wait, I got a good one. Move that bass. Guys, do you party? Like, is there alcohol underwater?

Oh, yeah, man. I need a little hair of the dog that bit me. And trust me, the dog got very close and it bit me many times last night. I have a taste of what that site got a Spanish shepherd. Sounds great. I don't know. So you drink human alcohol. There isn't like saltwater alcohol. Yeah, sure, but human alcohol's better. Everything's crunked there.

You can get drunk there under the sea? Big time. Well, guys, we do need to take a break. I just want to say Dreadread Zeppelin has 16 studio albums and five live albums. What? I know! That is the most shocking thing that's been revealed

on this episode. We gotta get him on the show. We gotta get him. I am so flabbergasted. That is truly shocking. Yeah! Well, look, we have to take a break, but when we come back, you guys are sticking around, right? Sure. Yeah, we have to take a break, but when we come back, you guys are sticking around, right?

Sure. Yeah, we have a few more. Maybe Neptune, yeah. Okay. I'm not gonna have to roll. Okay, we'll see, we'll see. But don't go before you tell us about the war. The war is coming!

Okay, well, we gotta take a break before you do. When we come back, we'll have more from Original Fig, more Jason Mandukas, more Neptune, more Randy, we'll have more from Original Fig, more Jason Manzoukas, more Neptune, more Randy, more Francesca, and of course, more Carissa. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

Jason Manzoukas is here of the Maine Manzoukas' is at- Sure, Massachusetts. Massachusetts Manzoukas' is, very hard to say. We also have Original Fig is here, and he's eating bar snacks that he must have brought from Gethsemane Liquor and Scratcher. You know we have exclusively off-brand snacks. That's right, yeah, what brand are these?

Take your time. These are dragons. Dragons. They're like Funyuns, but. But they're a dragon. But dragon, dragon themed? No, more like it's a drag. Oh, oh, got it.

Instead of being fun, yeah. Got it. Oh. Jason just got it. Jesus Christ. Here's my question. Turn around, by the way, and close that door, if you would, while you're talking.

What's that? Nevermind, go ahead. I will in a second. Keep the bathroom door open, please. I love the smell. That's what Scott's thinking right now. No, it's just for the echo, because your voice is very echo-y.

Oh, I'll wait then, because it's about to be closed. Okay, here we go. And action. Where'd you get those dragons? Oh, these are from the store. Oh, okay, got it. Great question. Ask the answers.

Worth the wait. I bought them from Gethsemane Liquor and Scratchers. Oh, well here's the question I'm gonna ask. We have top shelf liquor and off brand snacks. Have you ever had somebody win big on a scratchers? Oh yeah. At the store, have you ever had a big winner? We have had one huge winner.

How big? Five dollars. Oh, that's so for scratchers. I thought you were gonna say five, 10. Five dollars is actually not, I mean, like that's the biggest one you've ever had? Well, because most of the prizes are more scratchers. Sure.

Yeah. So you're giving away a lot of them. But I mean, sometimes you can win $500 and stuff on that. Oh, that sounds nice. It does. And speaking of sounding nice, we have Francesca Bollinesi over here. You like my voice?

It's so beautiful. We also have Randy Snuts is here. What's going on? We did it again. We still did it, Joe. We did it, Joe. We also have Carissa is here. Hi, Scott. Hey, good to see you.

So good to see you. And Neptune, by the way, is here because... Why? I guess trying to warn us about something that's happening. Can you please reopen the bathroom door? I need easy access to the faucet. Okay, yeah. No problem.

I need to stay wet. Neptune, is it possible you could go back home, like through the toilet? Oh yeah, I can. There has to be a hole. But yes, I can do it. In the toilet? At the bottom of the toilet? Oh yeah, I can. There has to be a hole. But yes, I can do it. In the toilet? At the bottom of the toilet, there needs to be a hole.

I don't know if that's standard. No, that we, yeah. I think it is. Okay, good. That's all I mean. And then I can get to the ocean. And that's one of the problems. Your sewage system leads to our habitat.

You must stop polluting the ocean. Well, you're probably shitting in your own ocean. Yeah, but that's different. Hey, do you ever see any of those big albino alligators down there? No, alligators are not in the ocean. No, in the sewer. In the sewer.

He talks to me like I'm the dumb one. Hey, you ever? You guys are a good duo. I would listen to this podcast of the two of you trying to solve underwater true crime. Do you want to guest on my true crime podcast? Absolutely. Just completely. The first thing is we're going to investigate the Bed, Bath, and Beyond mysteries. Mr. Beyond is to blame.

Who is this shadowy figure? I introduce you to him, I make a connection, you know? A connection is made. Thanks, Elastica. If Francesca is on the show, you might have to modulate her voice if she wants to be anonymous. Yeah, that's true.

Oh yeah. Although she doesn't work for a, Bath, and Beyond anymore. No, I don't work for him. She's gone beyond. I never worked for him technically. Oh, you didn't even work there? As a pro bono. Oh, okay.

Well, look, we do need to get to our next guest. Who's that rapping at my door? Excuse me, hey there, buddy. Hey. Hey. Hey, buddy, it's me. I'm here to me. Hey there, buddy. Hey. Hey. Hey buddy. It's me. I'm here to fix your Pac-Man machine. Oh, uh, you're here to fix it. I mean, yeah, you're calling for repair on your Pac-Man machine.

Yeah, but we're in the middle of a show. You called and said that Pac-Man was fucking Mrs. Pac-Man. Oh, uh, you said that in the call. You left a long message. It was like Pac-Man's fucking miss Pac-Man pissing on miss Pac-Man. Pac-Man is licking Pac-Man's fucking Ms. Pac-Man, pissing on Ms. Pac-Man. Pac-Man's licking Pac-Man's feet. He's licking his own feet.

He's licking his own feet. Yeah, that's a problem. I'm assuming you're getting this repaired because you're spending too much time playing Pac-Man. There was a lot of stuff about how you're not getting a lot of work done because you're sitting by the Pac-Man machine, jerking off.

It was a long, long message. These sound exactly like Scott. Do they sound like Scott? No, these stories sound exactly like us. Who do you sound like though? What's your name? My name is Jeffy McSaturday. McSaturday? That's right. Okay, no relation to Jeffy McThirday. No, no, that's a different guy. Were you guys expecting him? Well, I was told that's who he would be appearing earlier. No, no, no, it's me, Jeffy. Hey. Jeffy McSaturn.

What's going on in here? Why, there's a lot of people. Oh yeah, this is, we do a podcast here. Do you know what podcasts are? They're sort of like Pac-Man, but you know. Oh, I love podcasts. Oh, you do? Yeah, listen to Doughboys.

Oh, okay. The Flager Ones, Podcast the Ride. Yeah. Do they ever drop the act? The Flager Ones guys? Podcast the Ride, they never drop the act. Yeah. Did they ever drop the act? Did they ever drop the act? Podcast the Ride, they never drop the act. Okay. Love Podcast.

This is comedy, this is comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang? Yeah, CBB sometimes. 15th anniversary show. 15th anniversary. 15th anniversary. Hey man, well congratulations, I never heard of Comedy Bang Bang, but congratulations.

Have you heard of Conan O'Brien? Oh yeah, the inventor of podcast? Yeah, yeah, okay. I heard of him, I heard of Conan O'Brien? Oh yeah, the Adventure podcast? Yeah, yeah. I heard of him. I heard of him. 15th anniversary. Hey man, congratulations. Hey, thank you so much.

I'm celebrating an anniversary myself. Oh, what's your anniversary? Well, I did get married 36 hours ago. Oh wow. Wow, you're on your honeymoon, Brian. Oh yeah, yeah. I'm not on my honeymoon yet, but just getting some jobs done before I get out there. I appreciate you coming so quickly. That's what she said. Alright I was gonna stop because you

said something like that on the message you left. I would appreciate if you came very quickly pun intended. I bet that's what Scott says to himself after he's finished. Do you talk to yourself when you jerk off Scott? When you're watching your Pac-Man screen. Here we go, Scott. He does it himself. He goes, you can do it, buddy. I believe it. You can do it. You know how they say that some people have like a personal internal dialogue?

What's yours when you jerk off, Scott? I don't know what you're talking about. You don't have an internal dialogue? Personal internal dialogue. I know what it is. I got a voice memo from Scott one time and accidentally record while he was masturbating. He butt dialed you?

He dick dialed you probably. He's just jerking off. Here we go again, probably. He liked you, he's drinking up. Here we go again, ooh. Sounds like the Inspector Gadget theme song. Jerking off again, ooh. Scott likes to do this, ooh. Here we go, oh no. Randy, why do I keep inviting you on this show?

Hey, you invite me on 420, this is what you're getting. Yeah, I guess so. The voice memo, I got the voice memo from Scott while he was jacking off and it was like, hey, I'm gonna move my, please move that fin around. Oh yeah, I love the way you move the fin. Fin? Oh, those gills. Oh yeah, like the gills.

What do you think of me? You don't have fins, right? Yeah, look. Oh, oh, hello. That's a black sweat, right? Yeah, look. That's a dorks over there. You don't have fins, right? Oh, oh, hello. What the hell did I walk into?

A lot of colorful characters in here. Oh, yeah. I'm just a normal guy. You're a normal guy. Yeah. So you're going to fix the thing? I'm going to fix the thing. Let me just get in there.

Let me get my tools and let me get in there. You brought your tools? I brought my tools. That's right. All right. Okay. It's not really? I brought my tools, that's right. All right. Here we go. Okay, it's not really working right now. Just give me one second. Try a different tool.

It was working before. Have you entertained what's wrong with it? No, I'm gonna get in there and see what's wrong. Let's see here. Okay, wait. Let's go. All right. Okay.

My tools are very quiet. Oh. All right, I'm looking at them. I mean, you're not fixing this right next to the mic. Hold on, hold on. So it's an appropriate volume. Oh yeah, that's fine. Okay.

If only there was an auxiliary tool that could help him out. No, they don't got that kind of thing. But uh, hmm. Shit. So mostly just ratcheting is what I'm hearing. So just quite a lot of ratcheting. Just getting in there and ratcheting. Hold on.

I'm getting pretty close to figuring out what's going on. Okay. Hold on, hold on. Okay. Do we need to hold on?'m ratcheting, hold on. I'm getting pretty close to figuring out what's going on. Getting pretty close, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, so just a little more ratcheting. Yeah, I think you guys need to hold on. You should just get a drill, and you could just like, like, you know, zz, zz, zz. You think I should get a drill?

Well, these machines are very delicate. Hold on, oh, there we go, hold on, hold on. Mm-hmm. Okay. It's like when the plane lands. Mm-hmm. It. It's like when the plane lands. Mm-hmm. It's so interesting. Like, we were all having such an interesting conversation, but someone to come in and do

some work, we're all captivated. Yeah, no, it's just, I mean. Yeah, just, uh, I see it was wrong here. Oh, what is wrong? Yeah. Mm, you got a malfunction in here, Scott. Oh, that's, I mean, I told you that. And that, because that, I will, that just sounds like a jackhammer.

Hold on, let me see, let me see. Hold on. I'm getting closer to see what the malfunction is. Okay. Yeah. No, that's when you say I see what's wrong. It's not. You have a problem. Classic, classic situation. I see what this is. This is not going to be too hard to fix. Oh, good. Hold on. Hold on. I'll hold on a little bit longer, but. Oh, that's not good. It's starting to sound like an exotic bird. What? That's not good. What's not good? You figured out what the problem is?

Yeah, Pac-Man is going on strike. Oh, no. So that's why he's getting all this fucking pissing in now. He's basically look, Pac-Man is going on strike. He's tired of you jerking off onto the machine. Oh, wow. He's the one who started doing it. So just this amount of drilling.

You realize that these the problems with the machine are psychological. Right. Inside of Pac-Man. It didn't sound like it, but I was communicating with Pat. It's oh, that's what the drill sounds like. What the drill sounds like. I mean, you got it. How many languages do you speak? Do you speak Pac-Man?

I have so many languages like Colin Farrell in Sugar. I haven't seen it. In the movie. That's a new one. I haven't said that one yet. He has a new Apple Plus TV show. In the limited series Sugar. Oh, it's fantastic.

I don't have $500. He's a polyglot. Did it get better after the first 20 minutes cuz that's when I tapped it I heard it has a terrible twist that ruins the whole series. I didn't notice How much is Apple Plus underwater? It's free way tap water cable Are you watching all the Apple Plus shows including the one about them searching for John Wilkes Booth after he shoots Man Hunt. Man Hunt. Or the one starring Michael Douglas

where he's Benjamin Franklin. Are you worried there's too many women on screen? Watch Man Hunt. Are you a dad who wants to watch the History Channel but what if it came to life? Man Hunt. I'm watching all the things you just mentioned. Are you watching the morning show that poses the question,

what if Elon Musk were attractive? No. I got a question for you guys. Yeah, what's that? Apropos of nothing, you guys ever heard of Radio Dread? Is this a Dread Zeppelin themed radio station? Oh, no, it's a reggae radio head cover band. Oh, we got, oh guys.

You guys ever heard of Radio Dread? Neptuna, how long are you here on the surface world? They do a real skanky karma police. Who is their lead singer? It's a Jai York Jai York, you guys have heard of a bread. Is he an Elvis impersonator though? Is he an Elvis impersonator? Yeah, I'm not I don't think so. I think he sounds more like a Barrington Levy. And for that reason, I'm out. I have tickets to see them at the swimming pool. Are any other sharks still in? Sharks?

Oh, OK, Scott, have you heard of that show, Shark Tank? I've heard of it. Do you feel like that's some sort of appropriation for them to be calling themselves sharks on dry land? I do, and I also think you land dwellers have invented enough shit. Okay. Probably should ask about that war. So, Jeffrey.

It's Jeffy. Jeffy. There's no R in the name. Why is... No, I got it. Okay. Just wanted to let you know. Alright, no, I understand. It was deliberate that the R was left out for my parents They left it out. They didn't just call you a different name

Well legal name is on my birth certificate It says Jeffrey and they crossed out the R across it why would they do something? I just wanted to make sure people do what the day was um so they wrote out Jeffrey, but then crossed out the R Okay, that's right. Oh, that's how I have to spell it at all about my path You have to cross out your own arm. You have a strike through on the R? That's how I have to spell it at all, my past. You have to cross out your own arm. So you have a strike through on the arm? Yeah, it's pretty complicated.

Yeah, I got to do a lot of control shift X on a lot of my documents. Why is Pac-Man on strike? Oh, that thing. So Pac-Man is on strike. Let's pick this back up. One, because Scott is doing a lot of jerking off at two. Pac-Man is, he is accusing the ghosts of being. Inky. Inky. Inky being inky, inky, blinky, pinky, stinky. He is

he is saying that they that they are racist. They're racist against what? Black people. As far as I remember there aren't black people in Pac-Man. No, no, no. That's why it's so racist. That's why it's so racist. Apparently, so their hoods have been, I guess, softened off. They're supposed to be a lot pointier in the game. Oh, they're clan members. Yeah, they are clan members in Pac-Man. And Pac-Man is just...

Wait, so they are racist. They are racist. And Pac-Man is very upset that you seem to sympathize with the ghosts for some reason. Like, you go around not eating the ghosts. You decide to leave the ghosts and let them live and instead just jerk off onto them. What's going on with that, Scott? I look-

Actually, I wasn't on board for this, but now I am. What's up with that? What is up with you, Scott? Why are you jerking off to the racist ghosts? Ghosts and back? Yeah. This question cannot be ignored. There's just something, it's something going on.

It's finally time to address this. It's been 15, 15 years. We've been waiting 15 years. Why are you jerking off to the races, ghost Scott? This explains so much. I just wanna say, I think that's really hot. Oh, thank you, Carissa. You think that that's hot?

Yeah, I think that's like super hot and cool. Randy, what do you think about this from Carissa? I mean, it makes sense, cause that one voice memo that I got from you where you were like, hmm, what's David Duke up to? Better check on him while I masturbate and Chris was like, this is hot. I'm like, you're not supposed to hear this I'm not supposed to hear this. I don't want I don't want these dick dials Scott I think the only way that I can fix this Pac-Man machine is if you go on the record to denounce racism Scott I'll do it on record. Yeah, I'll do it on my I can fix this Pac-Man machine is if you go on the record and denounce racism, Scott.

I'll do it on record. Yeah, I'll do it on Mike. I'll do it on racism. Put your hand on this Bible. Okay. What kind of Bible is this? King James. Okay.

But is this one of the new Trump Bibles? Oh, no, no, no. It has the lyrics to- This one's signed by Trump, but it's not one of his. Make sure it's not a copy of Moby Dick. Okay. Hold on, hold on. Let me look in here.

Nope. Nothing about Ishmael or anything like that. Nope, nope, nope. Nothing like that. So put your head on. Hold on. Let me look in here. Nope. Nothing about Ishmael or anything like that. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nothing like that. So put your head on it. Okay. All right. Here we go. I need you to denounce the racist ghosts in the Pac-Man tabletop game. I? Oh, I thought you were repeating after me. No, I just say this? Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I, Scott Aukerman. Gotta use the middle name. Scott David Aukerman. Wow, so embarrassing David. What's embarrassing about David?

Most embarrassing middle name. Your last name sounds like a beat sauce to me. What? Do you have a middle name Francesca? It's not that common in Italy, but I'm curious. Yes, I do. What is your middle name? It is Francesca Calamari. Calamari, It is Francesca. Calamari.

Calamari, okay. After St. Calamari? Calamari, linguini, gnocchi. You must stop eating calamari. Con cacio, seven. What about the one octopus though who like bangs on the drums? Would you mind if we ate, we could eat him.

I don't think he deserves to be eaten. I would just like him to retire from music. He must be so tender from banging on those drums all that time. Just the opposite. His tentacles are pure muscle. Oh, no. Scott is hard.

He's rock hard. I, Scott Ackerman, Scott David Ackerman, renounced the race. Oh, I can't do it. Oh, I knew he would. I love him do it. I do. He loves you. I love him too much. I'm going to have to. I know you don't love their racism. You just love that.

I just love them. Yes, exactly. All right. They're just hate the racism. Love the ghost. You could just separate the racism from the spooky. Yeah, exactly. Are the ghosts in Pac-Man?

Are they like defending the dots from Pac-Man? Are they there to? They're just there to get him. I think I don't think they don't care about the dot. They don't care about the dots. They Are they there to? They're just there to get him, I think. I don't think they're protecting. They're not protecting anything. They're just threats. They don't care about anything.

These are wanted, just straight up capitalist, racist motherfuckers. They are, yes, they are pro capitalism. That's what the game has always been about, right? I mean, come on. I mean, you guys are looking at me like I'm crazy. That's what the game has always been about. Well, if Jeffy McSaturday, yes, and not Thursday.

What did you write down? McThursday is something we have to cross it out. This is a Mandela effect. We both wrote Jeffy McThursday. Maybe for some reason, maybe you used as we were told. No, my dad is Jeffy McThursday. He was, of course, born on a Thursday. My name is Jeffy McSaturday.

When were you born? On a Saturday night. Oh, Saturday night. That's right. Okay. So you come from like a culture where what seems like the last name is actually the first name. That's right. But Mick.

The Mick has to be a part of it. Mick is the same. Mick is part of all of it. That's right. Very interesting guy. Can you stick around? You're so interesting. Oh, absolutely.

Thank you so much. I absolutely can. Okay, great. The beginning of I believe many. Many appearances. Repeat appearances. I heard that you so much. I absolutely care. Okay, great. This, the beginning of, I believe, many repeat appearances. Many appearances. I heard that you were handing out CBB specials before I walked in. Wait, there's already an action figure for Jeffy McThursday? Because I feel like there's a lot to talk about.

Crossed out Jeffy McSaturday? I feel like I could go into classic arcade cabinets and sort of maybe talk to some of the fun characters that live inside them. I don't know. Such as? I don't know, like, oh, you know, Gallagher. The comic Gallagher?

No, no, no, Gallagher. Oh, Gallagah. Gallagah. No, no, no, it's Gallagher. So this is a game where they put, so first of all, it's like- Did Gallagher in the Mandela effect used to be called Gallagher? No, no, no, this is Gallagher. It is a Fruit Ninja-esque game where you basically are smashing watermelons with a big, no, no, this is Gallagher. It is a Fruit Ninja S game where you basically are smashing watermelons

with a big hammer and stuff. And you gotta tell a joke and then you could smash a watermelon. Okay, maybe. Who's your manager? My manager's old Spray to Whisper. Oh, good. I know him really well.

I'll contact him. You know him? Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. We'll see what we can work out. All right, he's waiting in the car. Fig, do you have a manager or? No, I am a manager of sorts. Well, yeah, you manage.

I manage a lot of the performers at the liquor stores. Oh, you do, really? Oh, yeah. How much commission do you take on that? 1%. That's generous. 1%. I will patron the arts.

Anybody come out of that scene that you're really proud of or you wanna turn people onto? Bernadette Peters. Great, lover. What about 100% of Bernadette Peters? That's good. What about that guy who created the Jeremy Renner app?

He's fallen on hard times. Oh, has he really? Yeah. What's going on with him? He got chewed up by his hand bony. He's okay now though. He's fine now. Yeah, yeah, he's back to making that mayor show

that no one watches. Jeremy Renner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about the guy who made the app. Oh,ner? Jeremy Renner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about the guy who made the app. Oh, I thought Jeremy Renner made his own app. He's an app developer? No, I don't think he knows how to code, dear. Learn to code, dear.

Wait, so he got chewed up by his Amboni, the guy who made the app for him? That's, I mean, that's, this sounds like a- They always tell you to get off the ice, but I'm very clear. You go ice skating a lot? Neptune? You go ice skating a lot? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr up by you know large vehicles hmm this is interesting sounds like something you and Neptune could investigate story it also sounds like a fun game you could maybe program into a classic arcade I don't know I'll talk to Sprague about

this but we do need to get to our next guest she or, I'm not quite sure, but has been on the show before. Please welcome back to the show Quiet the Mime. Bonjour, c'est Taka, ça va? Hey, quiet. They call me Quiet the Mime because I am Quiet the Mime. How are you doing today? Doing really good.

Really good to see you, Quiet. Great to meet you, Quiet. Oh, how are you doing? This is Jason Manzoukas. I'm Jason Manzukas. A pleasure. I don't think we've ever met before. No, I watch Percy Jackson. Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you so much. I mean, even Neptune, you must know about Percy Jackson. Of course, I'm the Olympians big fan. Oh, wait, I know the Olympians. Are they friends with Percy Jackson? Yeah, they are, yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. And you are Léfie Pép are, yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

And you are Léfie Pépier, oui? Oui. Wank. Wank. Okay, wow. We last talked to you quietly with, I believe our friend Edgar Wright. Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah. Or what did you call him? Edgar, correct. Edgar, correct, yes. But you are a mime. I'm a very good mime. Very good mime. Wank.

And you came on the show to perform your act. Wank. And how'd that go? Did you get a big push from it? Oh, so good. They had me headline JFL this year. Wow. They called me and they said,

you come on in and you are headline JFL this year. Wait a second, wait a second. That's not why it closed down, is it? Well, I was emailing them and I said, will you give me a few dollars to come out here? And they said, okay. And so they gave me $800,000. And apparently that was sort of what they had for the festival.

Was this a decimal error? They accidentally gave you $800,000? No, I asked for $800,000. Oh, you asked for it. I love that. Yeah, well, you asked for your value. You know your value. Yeah, I just had a whole festival with the Gonova. Maybe I would have handled You know your value. You know your value. Exactly.

Had I known the whole festival with the Gonova, maybe I would have handled it on Petite Difference, but I did not. Yeah. So what did you do with the 800 grand? Oh, you know, a little bit of this diversify, how do you say it, the investments. Yeah, but then,

sure. A bunch of financial stuff we don't need to know, but that's great. Well, no, I can tell you. Oh, okay. If you want tell you. Oh, OK. If you want to know. Yeah, sure. So I sort of put half of it in some,

we don't need to talk about it. Oh, OK. I think that's best. You have a financial manager that handles a little bit. It really looked like we were going to go deep into it, and then panic set in. Yeah, like I took out my notes thinking this is going to be good for me to get some financial advice.

I would love to know. I just need a little financial guidance, but then I got nothing. She said, no, you're like so tired. I say, okay, let's move on. Oh, it's on us, it's definitely on us. I'm tired. So Quiet, what are you up to?

I mean, you did your headline JFL. Well, no, the plan was to debut my new act. Oh, okay, you have a new act. You got a new act. What is that? Don't worry. You got a new act. I love the shot, I want a new drug video that's from the perspective of a sink underwater. Yes. What? Never mind. Your accent is so sick, it is so hard to understand. So without the festival, where will you be?

Premiering. Yes, now where will you be performing or premiering the new act? What's it called? Oklahoma. Is that the name of the show? Sexy Oklahoma. Sexy Oklahoma?

That's where you're doing the show or that is what the show is called? Why, that is what the show is. Oh, wow. So you know how on Broadway there was a show that was sexy Oklahoma? I saw it and I said, wow, that is pretty fun. I think I want to do that, and so I bought the rights.

You bought the rights to this other show that had nothing to do with yours called Sexy Oklahoma? What do you mean it had nothing to do with mine? I don't know. Okay, well. What are we talking about? We're talking about my show. So, I did a debut at JFF. Oh, okay. So, Sexy Oklahoma, that was a musical, right? Why? Okay, so how do you incorporate that into your your mime? Or you just bought the name? No, so here's how it works, right? This isn't gonna be another financial advice thing where you just give up halfway through, is it? No. Okay.

Tell us. So here's how it works, right? Miming is just visual, right? So I started off by sort of pioneering a new kind of miming where I talk about what I'm doing, because then people know, then more people can participate, right? If I'm doing this, it's like, oh, what are you doing?

It's like, oh, I'm feeling the wall now, and then everybody can participate. And then I added a new layer to it, which is I get an actual wall and I feel the wall Oh that for the mime for D my four-dimensional mine and then what people said this is really fun If only there was another layer to it and so I say okay. Hey, I do a musical I suppose Okay, I'll memorize words maybe and then I'll take that on the road. Quiet, I'm sorry, can I ask a question? Oui.

What's the fourth D? In the 4D mind, what's the fourth D? Un is movement, right? Yeah, so the first dimension is movement. Okay. D, we have sound. Sound. Okay, movement sound.

The dimension of sound. Oui, we have three physical things, items. Sound. Okay, movement sound. The dimension of sound. We have three physical things, items. Sure, okay. Yes. Okay, we have the first and most important dimension. Personal finance. Financial stability. Ah.

Oh wow. Wonderful. That's sort of the part of the show where I say, how much do you think this costs? And then people sort of shout out numbers. Oh, there's like a guessing board. It's like Price is Right. Oh my God.

Do people get to run off stage with a little name tag? How did you know? A game show element? Whoever guesses closest gets a small portion of the $800,000 game. But without going over. Well, if they go under, then they have to go back to their seat.

They're so embarrassed. Oh my. Do do do do, wow. Oh. Wow. Well, this sounds great. I mean, where can people see this? Two days a week. Two days a week. In Alameda. Oh. Wow. Well this sounds great, I mean where can people see this? Two days a week. Two days a week.

In Alameda. Must be nice. Oh wait, I guess I only do this one day a week. I was gonna say. How, I'm curious, how sexy is sexy Oklahoma? Okay, so you know the songs, I play guitar and I sing them sort of like this, oh what a beautiful morning. Whoa. Oh my god, I'm soaking wet. Okay, so you know the songs, I play guitar and I sing them sort of like this, oh what a beautiful morning.

Whoa. Oh my God, I'm soaking wet. Okay, clean up. So are you, Neptune. What happened? I want to throw some water out of it. Pac-Man's going crazy in it. As you can see, my hair is a little longer now, so I switched that back and forth. Okay, sure.

So that's sort of the big part of it. So it's half musical, half prices, right? All mime. All 40 mime. Mime is a wish your heart makes is a big thing that I always say. Yeah. How does that go over? Huh?

How does that go over being a mime also singing? I think it goes over well. I think people start out confused and then sort of see it and go, okay, this is better than Mime, I think. I think most people interact with Mime in the park, right? What? What? We should be the confused.

I love what's happening in the background. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Neptune has called up the- Neptune has hijacked my television.

Neptune is really good with technology, I gotta say. I'm shocked nobody has thought to do this. Neptune has hijacked my Apple TV and has brought up the picture of Huey Lewis dunking his face into the, I guess the sink. The sink in the, I guess the sink? The sink in the, I need a new, I want a new drug video. I'm sorry, it's just nobody seemed to know

what I was talking about. Can I say, you sound so confused when I talk about adding a sort of a visual medium to something that is usually in a different medium, which is what I'm doing. It just happened right now. It's a podcast, correct? And we're showing photos, so I think that it's good.

Yeah, we gotta figure out a way to post that photo during the actual show. If only August Lint were here. That's no problem, we can figure that out. August, you're here. Wait, where's Shime? Yeah, you got the airplane coat? Oh, there he is, Shime.

Hey, Shime. Gotta go? Yep, knew it. Well, quiet the mime. It sounds great. I mean, I'd love to see that only two, why only two days a week? Will you tour it? Will you tour it everywhere?

Well, that is a wonderful question, but my wife. Oh, you're married. Of course. Oh, okay. How long, congrats. Thank you, 36 hours. Jeffy. Wait a minute.

I was just gonna say Jeffy also a newlywed. Hey, man, congratulations. Wait a minute, are you guys married to each other? Wait a minute. I was just gonna say Jeffy also a newlywed. Hey man, congratulations. Wait a minute, are you guys married to each other? Wait a minute. Jeffy? Wait, he said wife. Donna? Oh.

Well, this is embarrassing. No, I don't think so, I don't think so. Oh yeah, I don't think it's a bad idea. For a second I was like, wait, you do look like Donna, but no, no, no. No, and my wife's name is Yesica. So that's what we call her. Oh, okay, yeah. So, but did you. So that's a good time. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So, but so, but did you get married at the exact same time? Oh, I got married at the Huntington Garden bathroom. Oh, okay. Okay. Why the very different wedding? Oh, yeah. The wedding. Oh, it was beautiful. Toilets were flushing as I was saying my vows. Do you like that? Oh, yeah. I love what toilets. Okay.

So for us, it was when the sink was going, we washed our hands. That sounds beautiful. Yeah, there was no water coming out, people sort of just did this. Just mind, they just mind it. Yeah. Can I ask you a question, Quiet?

Sure. What do other mimes think about you? Cause I feel like you're pioneering the game in a way. Yeah, you're sort of like Penn and Teller when they would give away the secrets to tricks. People were at first, I think unhappy, and I think it was because of the money I was making and so sort of for me... About 800,000.

Yeah, well that's something I think... Is that the only money you've ever made from any performance? Well, here's the thing. Mime, you do it for the love of the arts until all of a sudden the art doesn't pay the bills. You got a wife and she's going, hey, I'd like to go to Tahiti. Wow, dodge the financial question again. I want to go to Tahiti. That's the financial question Randy take me to fucking Tahiti. Absolutely not. I'm not leaving the country with you. You cannot be trusted quiet You speak French, right? Yeah, of course

You know that Randy actually is fluent in French because he got hit in the head with a French bug Yeah in high school. I woke up. I woke up and Jeff are like or a mom Come on detail Yeah, in high school. I woke up and je parlais couramment. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Comment dit-on? Tu parles français, Randy? Ouais, je suis en vacances, je lis Françoise Sagant. Don't you also sing in French too sometimes? Bien sûr!

Allez venez, milo! Vous asseurez à ma table, il fait si froid! Ici c'est confortable! It's so comfortable here. You guys are like Colin Farrell and Schurr. Gotta watch this. No spoilers. Well, quiet. This all sounds wonderful. Thank you.

I root for your success. Do you? I'm excited to see this show. Buy six tickets. Okay. I'll buy six tickets. Do you? I'm excited to see this show. Yeah. Buy six tickets. Okay. Yeah. I'll buy six tickets. How much are tickets?

$300. And here's the thing that I do with them. That's not bad for a Broadway show. As soon as it comes in. I take 20% and I put it, who else is on the list today? Yeah. Okay.

That sounds good to me. I mean, I'll buy six tickets. I'll buy six tickets, absolutely. I'll go with you, Scott. Wow. What's that? I'll buy y'all I'll buy six tickets. I'll buy six tickets What's that I've been taking it I want you fitting The price is right, okay for okay, I want to do 20 tickets for 10% of all profits I want a royalty for every ticket I buy I want $1 back and I'll give you 5% of what's in my wallet You're out. I'm quiet. If you'd like to come to 3rd Street do your show at Gethsemane, Looker and Scratcher I'd be honored to have you. What kind of lighting setup do you have? We have overhead fluorescent lighting

We can also record the show via security camera lighting we can also record the show via security camera no no I was in and then I was out unfortunately I think for my mime being the sound is the most I'm in I want six tickets and all I ask are mp3s of the sexy versions of those Oklahoma songs girls I can do that for you like like what's the sexy versions of those Oklahoma songs. Of course I can do that for you. Like what's the sexy version of Judd's song at the end? Yeah, poor Judd, old Judd is dead. Poor Judd is dead, poor Judd Fry is dead. So we start to have word for word, copy the new Broadway cast recording.

So if you listen to that, that is exactly what it sounds like. Oh yes, I'm fired up. Oh, so we don't have to hear you sing it. We could just go. Well it's important, I feel like you lose something in my mouth at all by not watching me do it. So we could probably just have them in post

to just drop the song in from the original cast recording right here, right now? Sure, yeah. Here we go. No, don't do that. And press play. All right. Oh, what a beautiful morning. We do it last five years style.

We do the first song last. Oh, what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling. Everything's going my way. Tell me more, tell me more. I love that edition. Would you like to come be in the show? I've never performed before.

I love to do it. You're a little busy doing my podcast. That's right, I'm sorry. I'm slammed right now. Quiet. Okay. How would Oklahoma sound all from say, Oh, I could tell you a little bit like this. Don't don't don't don't don't just reason fee key. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no don't like to say the word no. When there's a man who says hello, I try to do the same. That's beautiful.

It was really filthy actually. Oh really? It got a little too sexy at the end. Annie makes this guy cum. It ends with cum. It's the same word. That's interesting. It's a cognate. What? Are you familiar? Like table, Tom? A cognate? Cognate. What? Get your mind out of the gutter. Just kidding. Get it back in there. The gutters. You're talking about the cum gutters. We weren't talking about anything like that. You must stop with the cum gutters, dummy, you're coming to the ocean.

Oh no, cum gutters are just six pack abs. Oh, I thought it was a gutter, that little cum went to the ocean. No, no, we're not doing that. All right, thank you. Okay, yeah. If people come into the ocean though, does that impregnate people in your world?

Great question. Oh. Uh. How do you think I was born? I don't know. Tell us. Part man, part fish. Figure it out, you guys.

So someone was having sex in the ocean. Right. And then suddenly it spilled into a fish and that's how you were born? That's exactly right. So not somebody having sex with a fish. Oh, that's the sad thing. No, just jerking off into the ocean. And my mother swam along at the wrong moment. Or the right moment. Or the right moment. Maybe she's looking

for it. No, it's terrible to be me! Are you the only one of your kind? No, there's so many of them! Do people ever tell you sound like this guy Davros? Never know who's that. From Doctor Who? Oh, okay. Go ahead. That's not what I'm saying. No. No.

Davros is not a Dread Zeppelin style. A common reference. A question in Neptune if it's okay. What? Kiss your nip tonight? What? Kiss. One question. Quiet has a question for? One question, one question.

Quiet has a question for Neptune. Oh, for Neptune. We should go for the process as well. So I was a little curious, is there a special school down there for like, have fish, have people like- Like School of Fish? Like School of Fish?

The band? Three strange days? Yes, there are schools of fish, and there are schools of fish. So the school of fish will go to a fish school. Oh. And then they'll come home by way of the school. Is everything down there like a fish pond and everything? Like we think it is? Like in the movie Shark Tale? I've not seen it. You know how they would pay with clams. Oh yeah, well our currency is seashells.

Oh, okay. I put about half my money in... We don't have to talk. So not send dollars. We're edging on financial advice around. Boy, this is not a financial advice podcast. We keep getting so close to being Planet Money. I'm so close.

Well, look, guys, we got to get to our next guest. Yes, it's David Brancascio. It's wonderful to have you. It's Guy Rizdal from Marketplace. Marcus Lemonas over here. Oh, the prophet? Yeah, he's here. It's very special. It's a 15th anniversary show,

and it's very special to me to be doing something this long. So I wanted to invite someone who is very special to me. Please welcome my Nana. Hello, Scott! Happy birthday! Hi, Nana. Finally 15. We didn't think you'd make it.

Ah, Nana. The show is 15. I'm a little bit older than that. Happy birthday, Scott. It's not my birthday. Happy birthday, Scott. Thank you very much. Wonderful to have you now. I'm a little bit older than that. Happy birthday, Scott. It's not my birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you very much.

Wonderful to have you now. Now that you're finally 15, I can tell you a few things, boy. Oh, gee. Okay. What do you want to tell me? Hopefully, I don't know any of it. Well, your mother made me promise I wouldn't tell you until you turn 15. Oh, okay.

Happy birthday, Scott. Sure. All right. But yeah, tell me. What do you have? Okay. Well, have you ever wondered why your crotch hurts all the time? Mm.

I guess, yeah, sure. Something, well, it's Nana's secret. You were in a motoscootoo accident. A motoscootoo accident? A motoscootoo? A motoscootoo? I said what I said. Bitch.

Oh, bitch. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nana's very salty when she gets like this. He was in a moto-scooter after this, but he was just a baby. And all of you at his birthday party with the gall to laugh at him. He walks around with a throbbing ache in between his legs

from the moto-scooter. That is, by the way between his legs from the moto-scootoo. That is, by the way, why we named you Moto-scootoo. I think my name's Scott, actually. Did you shorten it or? Happy birthday, Scott. Happy birthday. They changed it at Ellis Island. Oh, okay.

We changed it after the scootoo accident because we didn't want you to be reminded of it every day. What kind of accident was it? I was riding the motor. You were just a baby, Scootoo. You went flipping head over handlebars. Your junk got tangled up in the spokes. The handle went up nip-a-nip. The skin burst into high oblivion.

Oh, I don't remember any of this. Well, you were just a baby, Scott. You don't remember your penis getting caught in the spokes of a motor, Scootoo? No, I don't remember any of this. Well, you were just a baby, Scott. You don't remember your penis getting caught in the spokes of a motoscooter? I don't. That would be like, I would feel like the most, the first memory you would have. I'd be like, core memory.

I don't remember this. No, I feel like I... Isn't this what put Motoscooter out of business? Yes, exactly. It was a premier Italian company. Like Ferrari? Yes. Motoscootoo, the bike of the streets.

For babies. The bike of the streets. For babies. So I was driving. Oh man. Oh, you weren't just driving it. You were making it sing. It sang? It's nice to hear.

I hope it was sexy. Oklahoma. Nana, can I ask you a question? Of course. Are you one of Scott's friends? Yeah, I suppose. We're friends. I guess there's a power dynamic between us

now that I'm your employer. It's true. Well, you know, your boss could be your friend. I guess. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's rare. Yeah.

Although I could fire you. So that's always hanging over you. Oh, I'm not going to. I'm very happy with you. I haven't even done a job yet. Nana, where are you from, dear? I'm from, well, I'm from, I'm a mixed kind of, I guess, what's it, England?

Right, Scotch? Yeah, I mean, yeah, English. You think you have a lovely speaking voice. There's a bit of a lilt to it, you know. Yes, I'm from the greater European continent. You're from the continent. Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah, that big one.

Greater European continent. That's why. Ah. Not the lesser European continent. Of course not. Was there anything else you wanted to tell me on my 15th birthday, or was that it? Yeah, why did you feel like it was that important to tell him about his painful crotch? We wanted to wait until he was 15 so as not to, you know, bottle up his brain.

But now that you know the truth, it's also, you know, it's time for 15 year olds gonna start having sex soon. Do you know what sex is, Scootoo? I have an okay idea of it. He has no fucking idea what sex soon. Do you know what sex is, Scootoo? I have an okay idea of it. He has no fucking idea what sex is. Say what you think it is. Francesca, come on, be cool. I tell you something, he needs help. I think it's when a man and a...

Oh my God. Oh, fuck. Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz. Scott's shorts are getting... Smoke is coming up Scott's ears. Ticker tape coming out of his mouth. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Okay, okay, it's when when Scott I'll help you it's like when a man's if a man had a meatball and a woman was spaghetti and the And the meatball was going into the spaghetti the noodle was opened long ways and the meat was going in not ravioli But long long ways. He's the story of my birth by the way

That's you keep saying long ways the noodle has to be long ways for it to work Not ravioli not ravioli. He's only long ways for it to work. Not ravioli. Not ravioli. He's only 15. He doesn't know about the ravioli kind yet. Happy birthday. Hey, Nana. So wonderful to have you.

She's leaning in for a kiss. Kiss me, Scott. Oh, god. That's the Motoscootoo seal of a groomer. I feel like I'm in Oklahoma. Wait, are you a rep for the company? They knocked all his little baby teeth out too. They never grew back.

And the adult ones got pushed so far back up into his brain, that's why he can't think a bad thought. You understand sex yet, Scott? I guess so. It's like lengthwise. It's like your laptop there. You got a screen and you got a keyboard. Sure. If a woman was a keyboard and she tapped on the computer,

oh, it would feel good for the computer to feel those keys click into place and the computer would see everything the keyboard was doing. You understand now, Scott? That's sex. That's sex to be on a keyboard, got it. Sex is like a microwave, Scott. It gets so hot, but the handle's not hot.

What's up with that? Wait, is this stand up? That's a great question. Is this, are you working out stand up? Real question. No, I'm not. Scott, have you heard about this? Have you heard about this?

Scott. You're flipping a notebook over and back and forth. Why are you just pouring through the notes app? Wormed out our own microphone. You think I have a a stand up this fucking guy's asking where I'm from? Oh, where are you from? Where are you from? Are you doing crowd work now? I was not doing crowd work, I swear. Hey, hey, you fucking baloney man.

She's pretty good. What do you mean calling me baloney man? What's your favorite food then if it is a baby? Nana destroys heckler. Go on, say you want to talk during my set, say what's your favorite food then? So, I guess pizza? Pizza's like sex. Oh, the meatballs are on there and the cheese is under. And when it's cold, it's not that cold.

And when it's crusty, it's in you. That's sex. You sound like how I was born again. Am I bombing? Yeah. We like impressions. Nana should be on SNL. I agree.

You ever auditioned? A lot of people have been saying that. Why is Nanna on SNL? What do you mean? Well, the contract isn't very good for performers, I'll say it. You know what? In all honesty, Nanna would be better off skirting the- Nanna doesn't seem to be hurting for work. Nanna doesn't need SNL. SNL needs Nanna. I'm looking forward to SNL AI. Yeah.

I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. Nana doesn't seem to be hurting for work. Nana doesn't need SNL. SNL needs Nana. I'm looking forward to SNL AI. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm gonna be plugging stuff in there.

All my favorite featured acts. Bring back Belushi. Yeah, Belushi and Jimmy Fallon. They can't stop laughing. Do you hear that new Drake song that uses Tupac AI? Happy birthday Scott. Happy birthday. Do you hear that new Drake song that uses Tupac AI? Go on. Happy birthday, Scott. Happy birthday. Listen, now that you're 15,

there's also something important I've got to tell you. Okay, I need to know these things. And now that you've entered puberty, do you ever notice you can make things happen with your mind? Oh, like Carrie? Things with my mind? Like, for example, you've got a wife that's too hot for you and you've got all these performers working

You're gonna get a nice check I'm a hairy wizard. You're a hairy wizard, Scott. I didn't know that. I'm making all this happen with my mind? Yes. Oh my God. The past 15 years has all just been some sort of mental projection. This is an end of saying elsewhere situation.

Yeah, my boy that everything is happening in a snow globe. Hold on, hold on. Am I real? I hope so, original Fig. I mean, I want to go to Gethsemane Liquor and Scratch her someday. I just want to exist. I don't know now if I'm real or not. You're real, but you'll have to say goodbye to your friend because he's leaving tomorrow for his new school,

the American Society for Magical Podcast Hosts. Say the real title. That's what the school's about. Don't be shy. Say the real title. That's what the tools are. Say, manna, don't be shy, say the real title. Ha, ha! You'll get sorted into a house with a bunch of other wizards that the podcast hosts.

Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan will be there. Conan O'Brien, of course. Of course. The smartless gang. God, I'm getting so wet. The dude from Prison from Serial. Dax Shepard.

Yes. En question, what house is the Call Me Daddy women in? Yep. Well, there's only a few houses. There's Hufflepuff, Huffleclaw, Hufflebitch, Bitchlepuff, Huffletits, Griffinhuff, Huff and Griff, Dorenpiff, Pissindoor, and Bumbledore. Barstool.

Yeah, there's only a couple of. Yeah. Scott's gonna be in Pissindoor for sure. Yeah, Call Me Daddy will be in Huffle of them. Scott's gonna be a pissin' door for sure. Yeah, call me daddy, I'll be in Hufflepoo Tits. That's right. You'll probably be in Puffle Bitch. Like your great-grandfather. First one to have a podcast. He had a podcast? Yes, it was most called out on a radio signal. It was called, Help, Help, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, Help Me, help me, help me, help me, help, help, help me, help, help, help, help me, help me.

He was on the Titanic. Oh, poor great granddad. Yes, but oh, he got the listeners. Oh man, did he get off or did he die there? I have a friend who's been looking. That's a gross question. Did he get off? Did my great grandfather get off?

Please tell me. I have a friend named Brock who like goes down there every once in a while. Goes down there, Jesus, slow down man. Did you ever go down there, great granddad? You have to stop visiting the Titanic. Why? Because leave it alone, it is ours, we have claimed it.

Have you met Brock Lovett? No, not to my knowledge. Oh God, you'd love him. The war is coming between us. We don't have time for the war. We don't have time for the war. That's another thing, Scott. I wanted to tell you now that you're 15,

you should know that a fish masturbated on a sidewalk and your mother walked by at the wrong time. No. Yeah, that's kind of how it happened. I'm half man, half fish as well? You gotta do it 23 and Neptune. Oh, we're like What? Not related

Don't you see you're more alike than you are different Don't you see and that's the EA and that's the thing that the ghosts in the Pac-Man game don't understand right And that's the thing that the ghosts in the Pac-Man game don't understand. Right. They're both like Pac-Man's round and then the other guys are mostly round. Yeah. And if you invest your money properly.

Oh, what? Where? Tell us, tell us. Where? Tell us. Oh, it's good. Where? Achoo.

Oh, you gotta cover your mouth. Oh my god. Sneeze all over the microphone. Well, Nana, it's great to have you. Can you stick around here? Happy birthday, Scott. We have one last guest. Happy birthday to the show, of course.

Here's a little card with a little bit of money in it. Oh my god, there's $800,000 in here. Yes, that's right. Where are you getting this kind of money? Well, I invested in a long-term savings account, an RRSP. What's that stand for? Achoo and all that.

Hey look, Neptune has brought up Dred Zeppelin on the TV. That's what they all look like. Isn't it exactly what you thought they would look like? There's the gang, the Elvis. Yeah, Elvis would be there. Dred Zeppelin, John Paul Jones, Charlie Hodge, Jop Paul Joe. A real band that does Led Zeppelin songs in a reggae style. Sorry, I fall asleep again.

The most boring fucking shit I've ever seen. And there's the octopus you play. It's the drunk. Oh, this is what Scott is horny for. This is hentai. Is that hentai? This is a hentai. I've seen Aquaman.

Those are tentacles. I was watching hentai when That's just a little stupid. He sees a Hentai. I mean, those are tentacles. I've seen Aquaman. Those are tentacles. I was watching Hentai when I was watching Aquaman. Oh my God, Randy's rushing back to the mic. I was in the bathroom and I heard Hentai. You really did come tearing out of the bathroom. I got piss all over my legs. Is he gonna own it?

Is he finally gonna own it? Neptune is soaking up all the piss. Oh man. All right. I'm gonna go finish. It's used water. Oh man, Neptune is some kind of piss freak. That's not canon, right? Whatever. Neptune, did you ever see Waterworld? Oh, you bet I did.

Was that exciting? Did you ever see Waterworld? Oh, you bet I did. Was that exciting? Or? Actually, I didn't make it all the way through, but it was interesting. I enjoyed it. I liked it. I had one webbed finger. How far did you get?

About half an hour in. You missed a lot of stuff. Yeah, you missed, I think Jack Black is in it, right? Jack Black is in it. Did you even see Dennis Hopper at that point Oh, sir. Have you seen the the Universal stunt show couple times? You probably pop up in there everyone if you set up clothes, they throw water Only show I can really see

They just throw it on you. You can recite it from memory. That and Blue Man group where they give you a poncho in the first few rows? Yeah, but that's for paint. And Twinkies. At this one, one of the Harlem Globetrotters comes out with a bucket and he winds up and then he goes, this time it's for real. And then he throws water on you.

Please stop looking at me. I was so excited when the bucket came to me and the Harlem Globetrotters, but it was just a baby. A cool joke. Yeah. That's why you're a Washington General's fan. Home is room for the generals. Well, we have to get to our next guest.

He is, well, there's no other way to put it. He's a traveler. Welcome, a traveler. Behold. Behold, panelists, tis I, the bronze boogie border, a galactic traveler who has abandoned his responsibilities and needs a place to crash.

We turned you down. You can talk right into the mic if you like. You turned me down? Okay, good. Wait a minute, the brawn will be born? Behold, a lot of headphones came off the ears. My apologies. Where are you traveling from?

I'm traveling from the farthest reaches of space. I was the servant of a world eating entity and I abandoned my post. What's that mean? Well, trying to judge the quickest way. Abandoned my post? Abandoned my post. No, that I got.

You got that part, oh, okay. What's the world? Yeah, I mean, I had responsibilities. No, no, no, I got that. You got that part. I mean, a world eating entity. What does that mean? the world eating entity. A world eating entity, a giant genderless creature. Genderless?

Well, well, actually I never thought about it until this moment, but I- Did you ever see it having sex with anything? No, no, I never did. But sex is not a great gender, so I'm wondering, did you ask? Well, you know, I'm just, I'm realizing now it was a humanoid creature of indeterminate gender.

But your second descriptive word was genderless. That was number two. I was high on the call sheet. I've never described him that way, but I was- Yeah, I wouldn't describe anyone that way either. Well, that's not what I mean. I was going to say giant humanoid man, right? But then I was summoning my image of It

and realized, well, it's not really male presenting. Does it have a codpiece or anything? Is it covering genitals at all? It has a big belt, but I would not say codpiece. He does wear a belt. So you said It. Well, I said, yes, I'm sorry. It wears a belt, thank you.

Is pronoun, oh no. Well, it never gave me pronouns. No, here she, it never, it never. They never. They never presented pronouns, correct. One more second, so. I really am sorry to get on this. This is very gonna be a lot of fun.

I cannot wait to watch everyone use they, them the whole time. With all of these old fucking white guys. Yeah. Yeah, okay, you know, it eats is okay. Yeah. Stop distracting him. The thing he's describing eats worms. Well, that's what I want to ask about.

Yes. So this creature. Entity, yes. Sorry, entity. Sure. Is giant. Just because he doesn't have gender, we don't have to call it a creature.

Why me? The creature's not pejorative, I don't think. Okay, all right. Wow, we're really hung up on this. But it's big enough to eat worlds? Yes. You mean like planets? Correct.

So did it come from a gigantic planet itself? Its origin is unknown to me. What about Uranus? Oh, I love it. I love it. All right, do you and this creature ever make jokes like that? No.

I wish we did. It's a very cold, well, it was a very cold and business-like relationship. My job was to scout planets for it to devour. Oh, okay. That's not good. No. Yeah, it seemed, what are you doing here,

if you don't mind me asking? So I quit. Oh, you quit? Oh, okay, so you're not scouting for him. After how long? Oh, a couple millennia. I went at it for went out for quite 2000 years. That's a long time. I know. I know. Not really a couple of millennia. How did you quit? Was it like a, how long ago did you quit? I call it the will any earlier today. I gotta tell you what's up that you sound like a bad person.

What are you saying? 2000 years. You scouted out planets for this guy to eat. How often was he eating? It took you 2000 years to say, maybe I shouldn't do this anymore. How often was he eating? Like three times a day, like us humans do? No, no, no, no, not that often. How often could he go on a planet?

Twice a week. Twice a week? Twice a week. For 2000 years. Yeah, give or take. How long is a week in the, where he lives? I don't know, I don't know how to answer that. Two days?

Monsieur, monsieur, en question. So you say you are a time traveler, why? Yes, what? So okay, you say you are a time traveler. Did you say you were a time traveler? Space traveler. Space traveler. Oh, a space traveler.

A herald. Okay, well then, the question does not matter. Correct. What were you gonna, a harbinger of that? Space is time. Yeah, space is time. If you The question does not matter. Correct. What were you gonna, a hotbringer of that. I'm gonna have you bring to this time, space is time. Yeah, space is time.

If you were gonna ask a question on that. What I was going to say, if you did happen to move through time and space in an interesting way, why are you- On a bronze boogie border? Correct. I was going to ask if you came back to this point in time and space for a particular reason, why here?

Yeah, why are you here? I think she's gonna- Are you gonna restart JFL? I'd love to. I'd love to restart JFL? I'd love to. I would love to restart JFL. Please bring back the kegs. I don't know if they're looking- I wanna see Vincent again.

Oh, Vincent, we miss him. I mean, I am a professional scout. It's not usually comedians. So you could be like a talent scout. I would think yes. I know a manager who's looking for a, you know. Hey, hook me up, but I'm fond of the people of this planet, I find that.

You've been here before? Oh yes. Scouting? Scouting it, yes, yes. Come on, bro. I'm sorry, I know it's not cool. Wait a minute, this is just what we need, to unite land dwellers and sea creatures

against the common foe. This is like the end of Watchmen. You think we should attack him? Wait, wait, wait. What are you hinting at? Slow down, knack-a-boy. This is our common enemy, this guy? No.

So where is you? No, I quit. I quit earlier today, like six hours ago. That's exactly what the person who is here to bring about destruction would say. Oh, come on. Don't start playing that game. I bet you do this all the time.

You're scouting right now, aren't you? No, I mean, I can't help it. I'm on autopilot a little bit with scouting, but I don't do it officially. What's the criteria you're looking for? You got a lot of flesh walking around. Oh, this is this guy's a fucking creep. This guy's a perv.

He's just coming. He's just coming to check out our flesh and then let someone else eat us. So this is a child's birthday party! This is not a... I'm not scouting in a sexual way. I'm scouting for resources. Oh, don't worry, they just want to eat us. Yeah, you're the guy that Dread Zeppelin sends into the audience

to take all the hot girls backstage. Oh Scott, quick, get in my lap. Nan'll hold ya. Nan'll keep ya here. On my previous scouting missions, I did pay great attention to Dread Zeppelin. Oh did you? I did. Is that what kept you away from him?

Yes! I was like, the power of this band might defeat you, oh mighty one. And he listens to you, or they listen? They listen to me, yeah. Wow, I knew it. He heard you, fuck off. How many minutes did it be?

Two minutes? So your boss, like, my boss, yes. Yeah. Wow, I knew it. He's already fucked up. How many minutes did we eat? Two minutes? So your boss actually chews up planets like knife and fork? The mechanism is it descends to the surface with a great machine, which drills to the core of the planet and converts the resources into pure energy, which he absorbs into his chest cavity in a horrific process, causing the death of every living

creature on the planet. I missed a couple quips, but... No, we're just referencing the song, Pure Energy. We just made the exact same dumb joke about a song. Pure Energy. Pure Energy. He sucks out, it sucks out like the Earth's core. Correct.

It would, it would have, yes. That makes everybody die. And yes. En question. So then why does it matter what we are like? Well, how... Christian, quiet. Because remember you came around and you saw the zeppelin and the nolova. Dread Zeppelin frightened me. So then why does it matter what we are like? Well, how do you think? Because remember you came around and you saw the zeppelin and the...

Dread zeppelin frightened me. Well sure, but why does it matter if he's drilling through the car and just eating the resource? Occasionally there have been times when we have picked a planet to devour and the planet's guardians will rise up and defeat my boss. Like antibodies in a way. Yes, in a way, yes. When a cancer tries to disease. And we all know how well that works. If you think of the Earth's core more like

the French word core, which I believe is heart, the heart of the Earth. Gar. The heart of the ocean. Thank you, Quiet. Like the cord of the mare. The cord of the mare. The heart of the ocean.

I know not this word French. I know not why you people need to divide yourselves. Why are you talking like this now? I don't know, I'm getting into it. Why are you talking like this now? I don't know. Why do you have this now? New speech? Yeah, new cadence. I've been doing this the whole time.

It's almost like you decided on this cadence midway through your thing. You've been doing an accent the whole time, you think? This is the way I've been talking the whole time. Also, are you prepared to say English is canonically the language of the verse? When I came here before, everyone I ran into, that's what they spoke. I love that Randy needs to lean in. He heard French. Randy's waiting.

French and hentai. French and hentai, kach in French means body, kach means heart. Oh, thank you. It's all good. I'm gonna go back to looking at Scott's hentai culture. Can I ask you a question? Of course.

Is your boss gonna be pissed that you quit? Like, did you put in enough notice? Just the boss I don't know. I left a letter and just got the heck out of there. Did you trade your reply smash? Provide a replacement my my boss is an angry entity a vengeful creature They are not gonna come here to earth looking for So proud of him. I don't think they would.

No, I don't see how they would know where I went. So I covered... Did you leave any sort of, like, messages behind? Or is there a tracker in the device that got you here? No, I don't have a tracker in what I... There's no way for... Is there a tracker in the device that got you here? No, I don't have a tracker in what I, and there's no way for a... I'm gonna be honest.

You have a very strong smell. I think you smell really strong. I feel like your boss is gonna sniff you out. I do have a pronounced odor, yes. What is that from? Is that from where you're from or is that what you've been rolling around in? I've been rolling around.

Right before I came here, I went to a sulfur party. We don't have those here on Earth. Yes, you do. We do. You were at my wedding. That's crazy. Is that right? We had a ton of sulfur in the haunted bathroom. It was really fun.

I'm a sucker for a sulfur party. There's a whole thing there. Sulfur is going to change the way we treat depression. Psst. Michael, no sulfur. It makes me feel great. We were right. I am. We're sold out of boxes of matches.

That makes sense. Yeah. Okay. So you, you and the boss, do you live together? We used to live together. Yes. Like roommates. Yeah, correct.

Yes. Ooh, Neptune. I got very excited when we mentioned houses. It's just undeniably one of your things. What are the schematics of the house? Because if the boss is giant, you're like, how high are these feelings? Very high. I mean, I'm not great with estimates. How tall is this?

You're not great with estimates and you've been scouting planets to eat? Wow. I gotta be honest, you've asked more questions than my boss ever asked me. I didn't come back to my boss and say, I found a planet. Why did you work for this asshole? I don't know, you fall into a job, good, the benefits were great.

How did you end up there on the first place? Huh? How did you end up there on the first place? I offered myself in tribute to save my own planet. Oh. Wow. And did it work? Nope.

He double crossed me. Oh. So you were like, you were like. They double crossed me. I knew everybody was going to fail. I knew the moment, but now I get to watch it, it's so delicious. So you said it's better for my little planet to survive.

Yes. So I'll just make sure that countless other planets are just like. Sell out every other planet. I was the best scouter on my planet for resources. So you scouted already. I was an oil guy. You know, this guy gets worse and worse.

Oh, my Lord. Oh, you're a you're a villain. No, I don't. You are. You are a real. I disagree. And you give yourself a cute name, the bronze boogie board. Yeah, I'm thinking you're a boogie boarder. Maybe you're cool. You want surf, it's 420.

It's not my given name, I just am made of bronze and I travel around on a galactic boogie board. It's not even a boogie board, it happens to look just like a boogie board. So what is your name? Huh? Well it sounds like his name is the best scouter and you are the worst scooter. Fight! Nana is crushing. You heard about this?

Hashtag Nanna for SNL. It's been so long since I went by my given name, it's difficult for me to recall it. Joseph. It's, oh that, nope. Is it Boring Grad? Oh my God, I know what it is. Boring Grad.

Worst name of all time, David. Is it David? Is it David? No. Is that why you're embarrassed, Delos? My name was Rantunchin Philandemore. Rantunchin Philandemore. Correct.

And the way you say it is with a level of gravitas that has not been present for the whole show. Everybody gave this complete silence. Is that all one word? No, two words. Ran-Tun-Chen, Filandamore. Oh, you remember it. Yes, of course.

Now that I've said it, my previous life is coming back to me. Do you want to go back to your home? Oh no, I guess your home planet. The flashback noise. There's a mean old lady on a bike. I wish I could go back, but my planet was destroyed. Good. You deserve it. I don't deserve it.

I'm a good guy. You're a dick, bro. You're a villain. How is what you did any difference in what the boss of yours did? You're extracting your planetary sources. You're complicit. Yeah.

I suppose I am. You abetted these crimes. I- What do you do for work here? I just got here. I'm looking for work. I'm looking for a place to crash. I'm good at scouting land.

I want to crash in a coffin, dude. Yeah. You're a bad guy. Whoa! You're a bad guy. Fuck you, bro. That's harsh. I like the joke.

You die. You kill yourself in a coffin. That's really harsh, OK? I mean, at least the entity you worked for, I guess it had to eat planets. You didn't have to like... Does it have to eat planets? It would perish.

Oh, okay. Let me ask. What's the criteria for a planet to be rejected and has it ever happened? Yes. I don't know why you are angry at me at the prospect that no planet was rejected. Boy, this is episode one of the True Crime Podcast where you've got an accomplice under the microscope I've been listening for this whole time and you have not had this Just came alive you're serious you're you're telling me that I should be just as angry

I think weirdos as the guy who led a giant for a while. For what, 2000 years? 2000 years! Until earlier today. Countless genocides, planetary wipeout. I have a question. Speaking of wipeout.

How much longer did you go on working for him after he ate your planets? Jason's doing the wipeout thing on the drums, by the way. Wipe out! My employer devoured my planet 500 years ago, so I, 1500 years into my tenure. You worked for? So then he went back. He was like, you know what, actually? We went back.

They went back. And you were okay with it? I wasn't okay, but I had seen so much destruction, I guess I had become, you know... Inured to it. So you're like, you know what? I'm only gonna do 500 more years of this. It's when I started thinking I should stop.

I should leave this line of work. 500 years ago. Look, for my lifespan, that's not that long ago, all right? You suck shit. That's not fair! You suck shit! That's not fair! You suck shit, get in the coffin! Get him, Fig!

Kick his ass! Yeah, Fig, get him! Hold on, hold on. Fig? I'm not violent like you and your boss, OK? Whoa, I'm not violent either. I'm chill. Get him with words!

You think you're chill? Get him with words, Fig! Kick his ass with words! Roast his ass! You're a piece of shit. Oh, shit! Fig! Come on! Original're a piece of shit. Oh shit! Fake! Come on!

Original fake to you. Wow. Come on, original fake. Look, yes, okay, I've done wrong. I won't shy away. Oh, thank you! Thanks a lot for your acknowledgement. I'm fucking sick.

Turning over a new leaf, I would love to redeem myself. What did you think was going to happen here today? I don't know, I really thought... You're gonna get absolution from the likes of us? I heard this was a pretty chill crowd, and it was an open door policy. Nana destroyed a heckler earlier. Welcome to the roast of Vantallely Vintraliquas. It's impressively close.

I'll ask you, let me ask you a question. Do you know any boogie board tricks? That's aively close. I'll ask you. Let me ask you a question. Do you know any boogie board tricks? That's a good question. You can't. I mean, that's change a little. I know. I feel like we've been attacked. Jeffy coming in with softballs. I can do it. I feel like I walked in here to a line trying to give Rantunchen a lifeline.

Check this out. Here we go. I got one. What do you think of that? Oh, that was fucking racist My man, I can't believe you just did that It's appropriation it's racist and it's probably Can we not put that video on it cuz I don't I mean we should have known his last name is philander more On my planet, that's a noble name. This ain't right.

Why did you need to braid your hair? Good point. I tried to throw you a softball, man. Yeah, this is bad. Hang on. I'm getting an email. You're getting an email from who? From who?

Hitler? I don't know. I'm checking. Oh, man. Are you still on his email list? How'd you like to be the guy who has to teach Hitler how to use email? Let me guess, you came down here scouting the planet when Hitler... Outdoor making a judgment.

I gave you accents. You came down here scouting the planet when Hitler was here and you said, no, these people are all good. That's not how I looked at it. It wasn't because of, I did, I did, I was made aware of the presence of your Adolf Hitler, but that's not what made me think. You're so great. Like your Adolf Hitler.

You said to your boss, no, let's not get him. No, let's let him cook. Then you came to the U S and you saw them making the atomic bomb and you said, this is better. You're reading into, no, we don't get into this level of detail. It was more just like what resources are, you know, how many, how many creatures are on the planet that could be devoured? How much oil. You say it is in the middle of the planet.

Okay. So what was the last planet that you devoured? Why? Let me see. Why did you pick that one? The last one we picked was Venusian 2. Venusian 2? Venusian 2, it's around the star Alpha Centauri. So my assumption is you guys gobbled up Venusian 1. The few people that were able to get to 2 thought they had solace and you guys went and gobbled them up?

That is true, yes. You weren't full from devouring your anus? Ha ha ha! Fucking Nana. Nana for SNL. Come on! Nana for SNL. Come on, fucking get it to me.

I mean, imagine Nana on Weekend Update. I mean. Stepping up to the dais. Nana, the only boogie boards you ever ride are the boards of boogies coming out your nose. Oh! Oh! Wow.

That stinks. You stink. You're burnt. Honestly, the better move is to be a rider because then you get residuals. Randy knows a lot about the specific deal. Well, your actor must be the sweet spot though. Oh no, it's an ego thing.

Lose your ego, make more money, take it from me. Take it from you. Take it from me. Yeah, hey I got some ice over here, anybody wanna piss in it? Well guys, we're running out of time. I wish we could go on forever. We, at some point we need to get to this war,

but maybe we're gonna unite or something, but before we get to- Feels pointless after we got the worst monster in the world sitting here. I would not agree at all. But we only have time for one final feature on the show, and of course, that is a little something called Plugs. If I'm being honest, honest I'm so sad you have to go But maybe you'll have a plug or two for me If I'm being honest, honest

Song isn't sure nor is it sweet If I'm being honest, honest I hope that scot-think is a treat To listen to my voice and hear me sing If you don't have gloves, don't say that That was beautiful. That was Free Plugs, Please by Scott's Favorite Hentai. What? They got you, dude. The name's probably something else.

Scott probably just told on himself. The name is something beautiful. Oh, like he doesn't know you said it, like that kind of thing. It's a Freudian slip. Thanks to Scott's favorite hand tie for that. All right, guys, what are we plugging, Jason? You got anything to plug here? I mean, I'll plug the How Did This Get Made podcast.

Of course. Why not? Percy Jackson, of course. And Percy Jackson. Russell Crowe gonna get on that? Oh, I would love it. As one of the Olympians? Get him in there, get him in there. And I'll throw in Invincible season two on Amazon Prime.

Very well, all right. Original Fig, what do you wanna plug? I wanna plug a show that's on the road right now. It started right at Gethsemane Liquor and Scratcher. Really? Yeah, it's where it got its start and now it's like on tour. It's called Varietopia with Paul F. Tompkins.

Oh yeah. It's gonna be Sunday, May 26th at the Lodge Room in Los Angeles, then Friday, June 7th at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota, then Saturday, June 8th at the Riviera in Chicago. Very exciting, you gotta go check out this show. You have to check out this show. You gotta check it out.

You have to, that's amazing. You simply must. All right, Neptune, what do you wanna plug? I would like to promote peace between land dwellers and creatures of the sea, as well as patreon.com slash Andy Daily. Patreon.com slash Andy Daily. I guess so. That was respectful to put that number two.

I thought a lot about it. And Randy, Randy Snuts, what do you want to plug? I'll plug Shrink on Peacock and the Hey Randy podcast on CBB World. CBB Presents. That's right. Okay, Francesca Boulenaise, what about you? I want to plug Scott's restaurant where he served you six course dinner of shit. And then I want to blog, I want to blog Going Deep, and this book, Change of My Life on the CBP World.

Okay, and Jeffrey McSaturday, how about you? Hey, my manager wants to say something. Hey, Scott, Scott, hey. Spreg, Scott. Oh my God, I was just talking about you. Did I miss the pod? No, no, I mean, you're right at the tail end, but. Okay, so I could do my start my segment.

So what's the Ninja Turtles? Can we talk about the Ninja Turtles? No, we can't talk. No, we can't get into that. By the way, I think I have one of your clients here. Oh, yeah? Which one of our clients? I can't remember. Is it Fig? No, no, no, it's, it's, it's, it's, uh, McSaturday. Oh, McSaturday, that's right, yeah. I am also a client of Spring-Weaver.

Don't forget my engineer, Webber. I have also climbed the spring with you. Don't forget about Andrew Webber. I didn't know you had a manager. I've been waiting in the motor outside. Well, me and Andrew wanted to come in and plug Scott Hasn't Seen. Oh, thank you, Andrew. That's so nice of you. Accent, spring, accent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scott, Scott, Scott. Now Scott, is my action figure out at this point? No, but it will be very soon, yeah. Keep an eye out for a little black action figure. A black action figure. A black action figure out at this point? No, but it will be very soon, yeah. Keep an eye out for a little black action figure. Yeah, a black action figure. A black action figure. Yeah.

Is my action figure out? Not yet, ALW, but we'll get one out of you. Is my action figure out? No, but we'll get it. We'll get everyone's action figures. So none of them out. Is my action figure out? No, but coming soon.

Coming soon. I've seen a 3D model of it. Not 4 no, but coming soon, coming soon. I've seen a 3D model of it, not 4D, I'm sorry, quiet. Ew, what did you do with the model? It's up my butt. Well, I want to plug Scott Hasn't Seen, of course. Oh, okay, thank you. Great podcast. Great podcast. We do together, yeah, on Fridays.

Yes. Yeah, we just had Tony Sony on, talking about Madame Webb. Oh, no! And it's like, it's one of the longest, most in-depth interviews we've ever had. Sony said they were sending someone over. It happened to be Tony Sony. Well, that's wonderful. And let's see, quiet the mime.

What do you want to plug? Okay. So I would like to plug the CIT Platinum Savings Account. It is 5.5 AEPY for balances above $5,000. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, that's a great place to put your money. It's a good place for a high savings account. Fantastic financial, yeah.

Thank you, I got so nervous earlier. Yeah, and Nana, do you wanna plug anything? Obviously, hashtag Nana for SNL. Of course. Yeah. Let's get that out there for real. Yeah, uh, Nana, do you want to plug anything? Obviously, hashtag Nana for SNL. Of course. Yeah. Let's get that out there for real. Yeah. Dinosaur improv going to Chicago and Seattle and Portland.

And the Pacific Northwest, yes. And more importantly, I want to plug a birthday candle in your birthday cake, Scott. Oh, thank you so much. Everybody happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. To a moody, happy birthday. In your Everybody, Happy Birthday to you! Mootoo Mootoo, Happy Birthday to you! In your face, Patty and Mildred!

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Scott! Oh my gosh! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. I wanna plug, look, the Comedy Bang Bang Tour is coming out here 2024. In a couple of days, we're doing LA, but then, hey, we just added a Boston show.

We're doing two shows in Boston. There's one. How do you like them apples? Yeah, all right. We're doing that Wednesday, June 12th, and Thursday, June 13th. Then we're going to Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Washington, Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville,

Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. Too many. Too many shows, but we're gonna do them. And some of you hopefully will join us out there on the road. I'll meet you out there, Scott.

Will, you really? I'll meet you out there, Scott. Okay, Fig. As will I! Andrew, I would hope you would be there. Remember that show we did in Portland? So I, the bronze boogie boy. Oh, no.

Boo. No. Oh, fuck off. Kill yourself. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna close up the old plug bag before we get to that. Here we go. That was Too Scary Don't Carry by Brennan Shively. Thanks so much.

If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBBworld.com slash plugs. And guys, I wanna thank you so much. What a wonderful celebration of this show. Some old friends, some new friends. Neptuna, you're an old friend. You were here eight years ago. That was it until now.

I'll see you in eight years, guys. No, no, we wanna hear you guys' true crime podcast before that. Oh, yeah. Solving crimes above and below water. Wait, they have to solve them, too? No, I didn't realize we had to solve them. You don't know, I guess you don't have to. They're just talking about them.

You can profile them if you want. Whatever it is out there, man. Really, even solving them, you're gonna... I'm self-a-puttin' crazy. Just call me Sugar. We don't know what that means, we haven't seen it. You are a sugar superfans. I think Neptune has just lost their mind.

I went out of the water a long fucking time, man. Jay, great to see you. water along, fucking private. Jay, great to see you. Happy anniversary, Scotty. Jeffy, wonderful to see you. And Fig, obviously. Many hamburgers to you. Many hamburgers to you and many Urkels to you as well

for next Wednesday. Many Urkels to you. Yes, Quiet the Mime. Quiet. Wonderful to see you. Randy Carissa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then Francesca. Hi.

Hi. Great, I'll see you out there on the road probably. Cannot wait to eat shit backstage with you. Okay, and Nana. Happy birthday, Scott. Thank you, well you're not gonna sing it again, but I appreciate it. I'm glad you had a good little birthday party.

I knew you'd be alone, so I hired all of these people. You hired them all. From the insane asylum where I live. Oh no. I knew you'd be alone, so I hired all of these people from the insane asylum where I live. Oh no! I paid them to be here. That makes sense now. This whole 15 years makes sense. Alright, we'll see you next week.

Thanks, bye. Here comes the hero! Here comes the hero!