Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Adam Scott, Will Hines, Suzi Barrett

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Adam Scott Aukerman are back together again! Friend of the show Adam Scott joins Scott to talk about the U2 biopic announcement, the first ‘sclusie behind the Party Down revival, and the alternate t...itles for his Apple TV+ show Severance. Then, shoe designer Thomas Mashed-Potatoes stops by to talk about his love of Oxfords. Plus, novelist Mariska Beenaboutta drops by to talk about her first romance novel.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 What were those two birds doing with one stone anyway seems suspicious, I'm glad they're dead. Welcome to comedy bang bang. Okay, interesting, interesting. Oh, by the way, thank you so much to Joey O. Tweets, Joey O. Tweets for that catchphrase submission and welcome to comedy bang bang for another edition. And I gotta say, we are still technically in the backyard, but we have moved indoors because what is this, wet day? No, we all know wet day is a week away. But it is raining, wet weather is pounding the Southland here. And so we had to move it indoors, hopefully our streak will continue of good shows. But if not, it's because we put a ceiling above us. And speaking of ceilings, we have a great show. Our first guest has crashed through the
Starting point is 00:01:15 ceiling of from non fame into fame and done so very adroitly. He has a by the way, coming up a little later, we have a shoe designer and a novelist, but no one cares about that. We want to talk to the Hollywood stars and the stars are back. That's right. He has a show on Apple TV plus called Severance. It sounds like you're going to say something like something in addition to a show on Apple TV. A show on Apple TV plus a show on Peacock? That would be great, wouldn't it? Sure, yeah, I'd take them both. Why don't you move that a little closer to your mouth? You don't have to move the entire mic stand, but just the literal actual thing that you're talking to. How is that? Oh, much better. I love that. I love it too. Say, can you say every word in the English language
Starting point is 00:02:07 and we'll test it out. Okay, I'm going to start with numbers. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 28. Those are all words. They are all words. I just took care of those words as well. But you're saying them as numbers because you're going to have to repeat them once you go alphabetical. Right, because they're in quotations and then I'll say the word versions later. And by the way, say every homophone as well. So every what? Homophone? Homophone, homophone, homophone, homophone. Okay, thank you. That's all the homophones. Thank you. Thank you. You said about five of them, so I appreciate that. That's right.
Starting point is 00:02:40 But he has this show. It's called Severance. And please welcome back to the show, Adam Scott. Hello. Hi, Scott. Hi, it's great to see you again. You too, man. You too, man. You too, man. Remember our old show? By the way, a lot of you too news. Really? What? I don't know. Oh, there's the biopic. The biopic that is so weird. What's going to happen in the biopic? Like they're going to struggle for two years and then become incredibly famous? Who's going to play us? Seriously? What if I played you and you played me? That would be fantastic. How are you going to get into character? This is how I'm going to play you. I'm just going to be constantly jerking off.
Starting point is 00:03:19 Because if they make this biopic, and I'm not saying it definitely will happen, but there is a chance. Pretty good chance. Pretty good. I would say. Like 100% chance, I think. Well, at least 101% chance. If not 110, which we all know is the standard for percentages. That's right. Anything below 110% chance is like a 2% chance. Yeah, exactly. But you're saying 101% chance that we're at least in the third act. That we will figure into this story prominently. Pretty prominently. Like on the poster instead of you two. It might actually get more butts and seats.
Starting point is 00:04:07 Oh man. But what could possibly happen in this biopic? We did text about this. The iPhone thing would be like the late second act. Darken out of the soul for that. That's right. No one wants our album on their iPhones. That's right. And they go walking in the rain, soul searching. There's that scene like that Truman Show scene that's in every movie where something happens on live TV where you just suddenly drop into a bar and then someone's house and then an old man by himself watching TV and you see everyone getting the album on their phone and freaking out.
Starting point is 00:04:42 And then the two people that are happy about it are you and me and we're like, yes! And you're on a plane as I recall. You're like, I don't have Wi-Fi on the plane. I'm going to wait until I land until I get it. And that's like our third act. And then the plane explodes and the movie ends. The day the music died. I remember when I saw the Truman Show I was very upset that they kept going back to the same people because it made it feel small. Same. And I was like, why not get instead of keep going back to the same three people watching this thing? And then I realized how expensive that would be.
Starting point is 00:05:18 But also it's like it kept being a person in their bathtub watching Truman. Right. And that's dangerous. Yeah. To have that much electricity in here and it just puts me on edge. You don't want your audience worried about the old man in the bathtub. Exactly. I mean, you've heard of Save the Cat. That's exactly right. It's your screenwriting book title. The Old Man in the Bathtub.
Starting point is 00:05:42 You don't want the audience to worry about the old man in the Bathtub. That's right. Adam, you're back on Comedy Bang Bang. It's been a while. It's been a while. A lot of people saying, where's Adam? His show came out. Where is he? How come he's not on the show? I hope they're not fighting. I hope they're still tight with each other. Explain yourself. Well, you know, well, truly though, the reason was because I was, when the show came out,
Starting point is 00:06:15 I was shooting Party Down. Yes. And we didn't have, we tried and couldn't find a day to do it. And I have a no pink bow tie rule here on the show. And while I shoot Party Down, I wear a pink bow tie 24 hours a day. Exactly. Everyone knows that. Yeah. And how did that go?
Starting point is 00:06:31 Can you give us the first sclucey on what happened, who's playing who? The scluce on that is that it did not go well. Really? Oh no. I mean, everyone is such a big fan of that show. I know. It's a bomb. And it just, like, what happened? Just like bad writing, bad directing, bad acting? The writing was bad. The writing was bad. And we all got together and kind of looked at each other and thought,
Starting point is 00:06:56 it's been 12 years for a reason. Yeah. That's the thing. You guys stopped doing the show because you hated it. So then suddenly to be back. We didn't like making the show. We didn't like each other. I mean, we were fine with each other. Like, you're fine with each other, but the literal process of making a show,
Starting point is 00:07:12 like having to stand in front of cameras and stuff like that, just sounds so draining. It is. It's exhausting. And sometimes you have to wake up early and get in a car and drive there. Yeah. Sometimes you have to wake up at like 10.30 a.m. They just assume you have a car, first of all. Yeah. It's like, hey, ask me. I mean, yeah, I do, but I'd love to be asked. Yeah. You know what it is? It's manners.
Starting point is 00:07:37 Do you have a car? Do you have a gas tank in the car? Is does it have gas in it? Does it have all four wheels? Three simple questions. Are there four wheels on it? That's a perfect example of the kind of shit that you have to put up. That's why people get up and slap people at awards ceremonies.
Starting point is 00:07:54 Because this kind of crap. Weird reboot of the slap, isn't it? Sure was. Speaking of reboot. Yeah. Now, so party down, not going to come out. Is that basically what I'm hearing? You know what?
Starting point is 00:08:10 Unfortunately, it will have to come out at some point. Yeah. That's the way it works. That's another thing they don't tell you. This is going to be released. Right. Yeah. 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:23,880 Because you would love to have the option of like everyone has a bad time.
Starting point is 00:08:23 You look at each other and go, yeah, forget it. Let's burn this to the ground. That's not an option. Anyway. So when does it actually, when do we have to watch this thing? I actually don't know. Really?
Starting point is 00:00:00 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:37,960 It seems like the line. It's exclusive. No, I really have no idea. Really? No one ever came up to you and said, hey, by the way, Adam, this is coming out in September. This is going to be awesome. Nope.
Starting point is 00:08:46 No. No, one person. Not one person. No, I really don't know. I think they're just figuring out when. They're like, hey, clear Labor Day, because we're going to be fucking putting this out. You're going to gather your family around. It's going to be so fucking awesome.
Starting point is 00:09:01 Because Labor Day is, you know, famously the best day to put a TV show up. Well, that's great. You have two TV shows. I remember the day when you had none. Me too. I remember those days. Yeah. Like three months ago.
Starting point is 00:09:18 Well, also when you started, because you thought you were going to be a movie boy. A movie boy. That doesn't. Who doesn't love a movie boy? You became a TV boy. A TV boy. The boy of TV. First, I was a candy boy.
Starting point is 00:09:34 You're a candy boy. I thought I was going to be a movie boy. For people who don't know, and you haven't heard our other show about various bands, Adam started on the Santa Cruz Pier as a candy boy. Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Beach Boardwalk, sorry, as a candy boy. And explain what a candy boy is. A candy boy is literally what they called us.
Starting point is 00:09:51 We were the boys that made the candy at Marines. Still there. You can go, and there are still plenty of candy boys there right now. There are candy boys there dressed in white, making taffy, and waving to tourists. Are you in the Candy Boy Hall of Fame? Do they have headshots up there of all the candy boys who have made it? Or do they consider what you've done to be selling out? They put up pictures of candy boys who actually make candy now.
Starting point is 00:10:18 Who remained candy boys throughout their lives. Yeah, that's right. I'm persona non grata. Do you go there every single time you go back to Santa Cruz? Every single time. Because I know you're probably incognito when you're wearing a baseball cap. Slowly lift up the baseball cap and then take off the fake beard, and you're like, guess who? Hey guys, it's me.
Starting point is 00:10:41 And they just continue making candy. So candy boy to hoping to be a movie boy, but then kind of going like, well, you know, Krampus and all that. But hey, TV Boy is where it's at. Now two TV shows, one of which is called Severance. And the season finale of which comes out this week. That's right. And Severance is about the age old question.
Starting point is 00:11:07 Is it not, how do you separate work and family? Yeah, it's a very, very, it's that question we all, stay up all night thinking about. Sure. All night. Yeah. It's family work. How do you keep them apart?
Starting point is 00:11:23 Even the words are so similar. Family and work. They rhyme. I know. So it's hard to say one without saying the other. You can't. You can't. It's just too, it's too hard.
Starting point is 00:11:34 So it's like, I have to go spend time with my work. I mean, my family. I'm going to go put my work to bed. I mean, my family. I'm going to bring my work on vacation. I mean, my family. It's just the things that we all say every single day. And so finally, when someone else, and I don't know,
Starting point is 00:11:54 I don't want to know who, but when someone wrote this show, you must have been like, whoa. Yeah. That was my only reaction. And it, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:11 I can only imagine. And the next thing I knew I was on the set making it. But they asked about the car. They asked about the gas tank. They did. Yeah. Okay. They did.
Starting point is 00:12:21 They said, do you have a car? Does it have four wheels? Does it have a gas tank? Is there gas in it? And when all of the answers to those were no, they said, okay, we'll buy you a car. We'll buy you a gas tank. We'll buy you four wheels.
Starting point is 00:12:34 Four wheels and put gas in all. That's right. So now Ben Stiller directs this show. Does he not? Now I gotta ask, did he have that jizz in his hair from something about Mary the entire time? No one knows that that's still there. That's how Ben works.
Starting point is 00:12:58 Yeah, Ben directed it. I can feel you pivoting towards a serious answer. I'm very interested. I should say Aifa McCartle also directed three of them and did a great job. Which three? Number four, five, and six. Numbers four, five, and six.
Starting point is 00:13:12 Really? Which are words? They are, yes. Thank you for saying those. Was Ben, what was going on with Ben during four, five, and six? He disappeared. Just off the grid?
Starting point is 00:13:23 Yeah. Does he do that a lot? Is that when the numbers four, five, and six come up? Any time they come up? Well, half the city disappears when those. Really? Yeah, you didn't. Half of which city?
Starting point is 00:13:38 You filmed a New York City? We filmed a New York City. All of New York disappears? Whenever there's a television show filming. Yeah. And they get to episodes four, five, or six. Half the city disappears. Half the city.
Starting point is 00:13:50 Which half? Is it like not the upper west side? Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, thank goodness. No, just half the population just disappears. They go to the Hamptons. Oh, I see. Okay, so this is the summer?
Starting point is 00:14:03 This is summertime. Oh, okay, got it. I understand. I understand what's happening. And it just coincidentally coincides with four, five, and six of all TV shows. Right, yeah, the schedule. Yeah, you start with one in January
Starting point is 00:14:14 and by the time you get to four, it's summer. Yeah, yeah. And what's, I mean, this show, God, you know, you gotta tell people what it's about. Don't you? Really? In a situation like this? Yeah, it's science fiction, like lasers and lasers.
Starting point is 00:14:36 Space monsters and shit like that? Monsters and spaceships and different planets. Every episode, we're on a different planet. Wow, really? So one's in our solar system? That's right. Okay, so you go from Earth? No, it's, there's a, you get a chip in your brain
Starting point is 00:14:55 and you go to work and you don't know who you are in the outside world and then you leave work and you don't know what you did at work or what your job is at all. So you're- So you don't have that stress of like, oh gosh, I can't, I'm spending all night thinking about what I have to do.
Starting point is 00:15:11 That's right. But at the same time, you have no idea what you do for a living? That's right. You can enjoy your personal life and focus on your work completely. They're totally separate. No, this TV show doesn't make sense
Starting point is 00:15:23 because I think that like so much of your identity is wrapped up in, you know, how good you are at your job and stuff like that. So it doesn't make sense. And I don't think this is a good TV show. Well, that's the initial knee-jerk reaction that- Wait, you're saying they deal with that on the show? That I would expect you to have.
Starting point is 00:15:41 That is what they deal with on the show. Whoa! No, that's what's explored. Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting. Oh, okay. I was thinking that if they were not to bring that up
Starting point is 00:15:52 and everyone just has a good time the entire time. Yeah, no. That's not what happened. So you're saying it's a bad thing. Well, it's not necessarily a bad thing, but you know, there might be some conflict involved in, you know, exploring that scenario. Still, you know, when I think about like,
Starting point is 00:16:09 I can only imagine that I would be at work and not knowing I have a family and like be hitting on everyone, you know, who's there at work and stuff like that. So that's why it's a bad idea. So when you would be at work and cut off from the outside world, you would just be a total horn dog.
Starting point is 00:16:25 So is every character horny all the time? That's what I'm getting at. It's just a bunch of horn dogs. Oh, man, I'm so glad we get to say horn dog today. I thought we wouldn't. I thought we wouldn't, yeah. Do they consider calling the show the horn dogs instead of whatever it is called?
Starting point is 00:16:41 There are a bunch of titles. Oh, okay. And I'd be lying if I said horn dogs wasn't one of them. So what are the other, I mean, what made the top five? Well, why don't you guess? And I'll tell you if you're right or not. Okay. Peculiar jerk and his wacky neighbors and friends.
Starting point is 00:17:03 Yeah, that was on the list. That was on the list, really, okay. That was on the longer list, which was three titles. Three titles. Oh, wow, that's a super long list. Okay. The Ugly Man has a decision to make. That was actually on the longer list than the...
Starting point is 00:17:19 Than even that one? Yeah, it was four titles. Four titles, wow. The feckless cuck... Can't seem to figure out his shit. That was number two. That was number two. That was number two.
Starting point is 00:17:35 And then what it ended up being? Severance was... Severance was number one. Severance was number one. That's so interesting. And they just went with number one because we ran out of time. Oh, yeah, totally, yeah. Oh, let's just...
Starting point is 00:17:46 Which is, by the way, Halloweah R.E.M. came out with that out-of-time record title, did they know? They were out of time, literally. They really were out of time. You should have called it out of time. That would have been a good idea. Although people would have thought it was about time travel. Well, we can always change the title of the show.
Starting point is 00:18:01 That's the thing. Not enough shows change the title in the middle of the run. That's right. You know what I mean? And I think, first of all, it's a good trick to try to trick people into watching something if they're not. That's right. Or repeating their viewing experience of the show
Starting point is 00:18:16 because they think it's a new show. They think it's a new show. And so they watch the first season all over again. That's right. This is a good idea. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to call Apple TV.
Starting point is 00:18:24 Plus, I'm going to tell them that idea. Who are the people over there hanging out with Tim Cook all the time? He's confusing, right? Because his name is Cook and then he works with computers. It's like, change your name to Tim Computer. Yeah, but who knows? Maybe he's a terrific cook. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:18:42 I don't know. He could be. Did he cook for you while you were hanging out with him? Mm-mm. No. This is weird. I know. Like he's a weird guy, right?
Starting point is 00:18:49 Well, no, not necessarily. I just think that if your name was Scott Bicycle, you know. What would you expect to see me on every second of the day? I would expect you to at least acknowledge that a bicycle is something that people would expect you to be right. 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,200 So like if I were to come up to you and say, hi, my name's Scott Bicycle.
Starting point is 00:19:13 It's just a name. I'm not on one right now. These are my legs. So Tim Cook, to put everyone at ease whenever he meets people, I'm sure he says, listen, I know you're expecting me to be making a baked Alaska right now. Well, not only that, but he works with Apple. Right, which is a food.
Starting point is 00:19:30 Which is a food? It's like, dude, come on. It's computers. Yeah. And it's freaking everyone out. Yeah. This is a problem on the show. This is a huge, a huge issue.
Starting point is 00:19:41 Everyone was so confused constantly if Tim Cook was making a meal or not wherever he was. Because I'm sure he was never on the set. But no. But you're constantly getting intel, I'm sure, about what he was doing, where he was. I think it was more, we were all just wondering, I wonder if he's making something delicious right now.
Starting point is 00:20:00 Were you constantly going to craft servicing? Tim? That's right. Anytime food was around. Tim, is that you? Well, this sounds like a great show. And one that people definitely should be watching and binge-ing, binge-watching, you know, at least binge-watching one episode at a time.
Starting point is 00:20:21 Binge viewing. Binge viewing, another great way to watch it. You could also do sort of mini watches, which are like one minute at a time. And, you know, you could also consider it your job and then do what Severance does, which is watch it as a job and then go spend time with your family and never think about it again. And figure out how to get paid for watching it as a job.
Starting point is 00:20:45 You know, you could also pretend that it's a, what was that network called, where their shows were five minutes, a Quibi show, and just watch it in 10, 12 minutes. Everything technically is a Quibi show if you just watched 10 seconds of something. That's exactly right. You know what I mean? Quibi, good idea. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:09 Right? Sure. I mean, 11 minute shows. Sure. Why not? What could go wrong? What could go wrong, you know? But Severance is not 11 minutes.
Starting point is 00:21:20 It is, as a matter of fact, more in the 60 minute range and 60 minutes. You will not spend better elsewhere. It is a fantastic show. I'm sure once I watch it, it's going to, I'm going to really mean that. No, I'm glad that it created that impression. I mean, it seems like quality TV, the reviews have been good. People are saying like, wow, Adam, you know, he was once known for light comedy, doing parks and recreation and party down and just sort of like, you know,
Starting point is 00:21:56 spending his time doing that kind of thing. And now he's known for whatever this is. And it's, you know, some really good reviews. I couldn't dream of a better review than that. That is, that is, that is what I've been waiting for. It's an actor's dream. Is it not? That's right.
Starting point is 00:22:13 Well, shall we see you at the Emmys this year? Do you think, do you think this is the year where finally Adam Scott gets recognized and... You know what? I don't think so. Okay. I don't think so. But now, can I keep you to your promise that you made about the Oscars, if you recall? Of course, of course.
Starting point is 00:22:34 The Emmy is going to be tough. What was the, remind me of the promise? If you won an Oscar, you promised our listeners that you would go on stage and say, I'm going to shove this up my butt. You know what? That's less crazy than what happened last night. Yeah, that's true. Ah, well, Adam Scott is here.
Starting point is 00:22:57 Severance is the title. It's also the show and... It's also the show. And the new episodes come out on Fridays. This Friday is the final one. The season finale, but hopefully not the series finale. Am I right? I hope so too.
Starting point is 00:23:11 There are nine episodes this season. So if you want to catch up, there are eight. And then the final one is on Friday, which would make nine. And that's the whole season. Yeah. So if you could... I mean, it's Monday today. There's four days until Friday.
Starting point is 00:23:25 Two hours a day. Is that too much to ask? No. That's two thirds of a Batman. It's nothing. Have you... Did you see Batman yet? I did.
Starting point is 00:23:32 I haven't seen it. Oh, cool. John Turturro's in it. He's on Severance. Oh, yeah. He's great. Christopher Walken is on Severance. That's right.
Starting point is 00:23:41 Patricia Arquette. Patricia Arquette. This is like a real who's who and you. Yeah. It's... And Zach Cherry. Zach Cherry. Britt Lauer.
Starting point is 00:23:49 Okay. Tramel Tillman. Now we're just saying names. Yeah, I don't know who any of these people are. So do you ever arrive on set? You're like, I don't belong here. I'm a piece of shit. Here I am like talking at John Turturro,
Starting point is 00:24:00 one of the greatest... And Christopher Walken too. And Patricia Arquette multiple... Did she win multiple Oscars or just the one? Still. She won an Oscar and Emmy. And Emmy, yeah. What hasn't Patricia Arquette won?
Starting point is 00:24:12 Yeah, exact. I mean, I guess the Tony and the Pulitzer. Pulitzer, yeah. She will. She will. Spike Guy's Choice Award. It's coming. Oh, man, that guy's Choice Award.
Starting point is 00:24:23 That is elusive. Yeah. What about the Espeys? Maybe she'll win an Espey. Oh, yeah. Someday. What do you got to do to win an Espey? Just like running back.
Starting point is 00:24:31 Yeah. Or do a really incredible dunk. Yeah. She can do it. Dunk the basketball. She... I'm sure she... I mean, she's...
Starting point is 00:24:37 How long... Yeah, this is a serious question. How long would it take Patricia Arquette, who's so adept at doing anything? Seems like she can do anything. To learn how to dunk a basketball. You know? Ten minutes.
Starting point is 00:24:48 Probably ten minutes. Yeah, exactly. Severance is the title. It's eight hours of your time until Friday, and then it'll take another hour, so nine hours total. And... It's not much to ask.
Starting point is 00:25:01 This is Adam Scott. He's one of our oldest friends on the show. How long have you been on the show for 13 years at this point? Is that right? We're at work. Since you were a radio show. Yeah, since you were a radio program.
Starting point is 00:25:12 He wants nine hours of your time. I need your nine hours. He needs nine hours of your time. That's all I want. You're telling me you haven't listened to more than nine hours of him jabbering about... Exactly. About you two and R.E.M. and everything.
Starting point is 00:25:27 Now he needs these nine hours. You've listened to over nine hours of me talking about the very stupidest shit. Now I just want you to watch something good. For what? For nine hours. For nine hours. That's all he needs.
Starting point is 00:25:41 That's it. God, you've... I mean, think of the stupid shit you've done in your life for nine hours. More than nine hours. Do this. Do this for Adam Scott. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:50 Thanks, Scott. All right. Very good. Well, we need to take a break. Is that all right with you? Yeah. Oh, I'm excited about our guests. Yes.
Starting point is 00:25:56 We have a... Coming up, we have a shoe designer and a novelist. Oh. You ever read a book? Yeah, it's exciting. What's... Read a... A what?
Starting point is 00:26:09 A book? God, how do I explain this? Oh, are we going to talk about the Red Hot Chill Peps? Probably not. Okay. Okay. All right. Although, that album came out on Friday.
Starting point is 00:26:19 Oh, it did. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah. What do you think? Well, I'm... That's why I want to talk. Okay. I want to talk about it.
Starting point is 00:26:26 Should we talk about it on our other show? Maybe so. Okay, great. All right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we have a shoe designer and a novelist. This is very exciting. Our old buddy, Adam Scott.
Starting point is 00:26:37 He just wants nine hours of your time. Nine. He'll be right back. We'll be right back with more comedy, bang bang ever this. May. May. Comedy, bang bang.
Starting point is 00:26:50 We're back. Adam Scott, we have just been talking about the Red Hot Chili Puppers. These entire time. On and on and on and on and on and on. But we were also, to be fair, recording our other show during the break. Yeah, yeah. We did a full...
Starting point is 00:27:01 How many episodes did we end up doing? 14. 14 episodes, okay. On this one album. Yeah. Yeah. How many songs are on the actual album? 17, so.
Starting point is 00:27:10 So, yeah, we still have three more to go. We'll do that in the next break. Sure. But we need to get to our next guest. He's a shoe designer. Please welcome to the show, Thomas Mashed Potatoes. Hello, thanks for having me. Hi, Thomas Mashed Potatoes?
Starting point is 00:27:25 Yes, I'm so glad to be here. Interesting that it's hyphenated, I see. Yes, Mashed Hyphen Potatoes. Thomas, thank you. Yeah, this is Adam Scott. Oh, hi, nice to meet you. No hi, you too. I love your shoes.
Starting point is 00:27:35 Oh, thanks. Yeah, so you're... I'm a shoe designer. Yeah, Oxfords are my specialty. Oxfords, really? Yes, I like... What is there to design about Oxfords? Oh, there's so much.
Starting point is 00:27:44 Because aren't they... Don't they all just kind of come out the same way? No, no, no, that is a... Okay, what's the criteria that makes it an Oxford? Love that you're asking me. It is, you've got whether it's a wingtip or not. Okay. Another word for wingtip is a brogue.
Starting point is 00:27:58 Okay. So, a full brogue is if you have the full wingtip, like the many, many dots you know over. And a wingtip is, yeah, it's just like... The dots and the perforations, decorations. Is that braille? I've never thought of it as braille, but let me just check.
Starting point is 00:28:09 Let me feel this one. I believe this is braille. Could a blind man or daredevil or whatever, like go down there and feel a shoe and go like... A blind man or daredevil, either one, could equally do well at feeling the bumps on a shoe and trying to interpret them for knowledge. Do they actually say something though?
Starting point is 00:28:23 Like, hi, this is a shoe you're feeling. That is a great suggestion, and I've never thought of putting messages into my wingtip designs, but you certainly could. Yes, this one... The medium would allow it. The one you're holding now, does that have a message in it?
Starting point is 00:28:35 You're feeling it. I'm just checking. I unfortunately have inadvertently, it seems, I do happen to know braille, and I've never thought to check this. How did you learn braille? Oh, gosh, I was an overachieving Boy Scout. I just got every... That was a merit badge?
Starting point is 00:28:47 Oh, yeah. Braille's a huge one. Really? Sorry, are you fluent or...? Fluent in braille and ASL and semaphore. Really, that's the flags. The flags, yeah. They trade every Boy Scout and Girl Scout, because now girls are allowed in the Boy Scouts.
Starting point is 00:29:03 What do you think about that? I love it. You're frowning. I love it. I'm scared of change by nature, and also women terrify me. You also are doing a thumbs-down sign. I have some issues that are coming out.
Starting point is 00:29:14 Yes. I know that I should be into it. Let's put it that way. I get it. You were doing it like you didn't think anyone was going to hear it on the show, so it was like a safe space for you, so I'm sorry to call it out.
Starting point is 00:29:25 No, no, no. I appreciate it, because I'm in therapy to try to improve my admittedly very backwards and hateful positions on women and most social issues. But I know that I'm wrong and I'm trying to do better. Well, that's good. Thank you so much. But yes, I fear and loathe women,
Starting point is 00:29:38 and then also a shoe designer. Yes, but I love shoes. And primarily, which is more important to you, the fearing and loathing women or the shoe designer? Shoes. I mean, you're more into the shoes. I don't love the detestable and abhorrent part of my personalities.
Starting point is 00:29:55 And really, please, my intention is to be a good person. OK. Well, the best we can do is just keep trying and keep plugging away at it. Gosh, that is soothing to me. Yeah. I love a low expectations mantra. Well, wonderful.
Starting point is 00:30:10 So you're here. But I love shoes, yes. So wingtips is one way you can go. Also, the hue and color, there's a variety of browns and blues and blacks in your traditional Oxford. You know, I don't think that colors are necessarily, you know, when I say like, what is in Oxford? What are the criteria of an Oxford?
Starting point is 00:30:28 You don't think that is a part of what makes an Oxford? Yeah, like the Oxford's can be different colors. You know, a traditional Oxford tends to be from the blue, black, or brown hue. Certainly, you can have a green Oxford. Well, then what are we talking about? But the true Oxford aficionados will know you're taking a risk. OK.
Starting point is 00:30:47 You're taking a risk if you go into the green hues. But what is an Oxford? An almond hue is a classic Oxford tone. Stop talking about colors, please. Sorry, once I get going, I'm like a wind up man. What makes an Oxford is it's a hard shoe, right? With a hard sole. It's a hard shoe.
Starting point is 00:31:04 It's a dress shoe. It's a dress shoe. Yeah, it's a dressy shoe. But you can say that about a lot of things. What distinguishes an Oxford? Usually, it's a narrow toe as a traditional Oxford. If you've got a wide, fat toe in an Oxford, that ain't an Oxford. That's not an Oxford.
Starting point is 00:31:18 OK, maybe it's easier to describe what isn't an Oxford than it is to describe what an Oxford actually is. All right, no. For me, not for you, because you're a shoe designer. I got it down. I don't need to know exactly what an Oxford is. But I will educate you, the dummy, on what it takes to be an Oxford or not an Oxford.
Starting point is 00:31:32 So no representations of human faces. Some shoes have drawings of humans on them, or like... Drawings of humans? Drawings of humans. What do you call the old Michael Jordan Nike symbol? That's a drawing of a human. Oh, yeah, I guess so. I mean, not a face.
Starting point is 00:31:45 I mean, it's more of a silhouette, right? But any representation of human... Michael Jordan. Yeah, you can't... Adam, by the way, is posing in that pose right now. Yeah, just like that, Adam. That's exactly right. I literally can't think of another shoe other than Air Jordans
Starting point is 00:31:59 that have a drawing of a human on them. I feel like I've seen... I remember... Buster Brown? Hey, I don't mean to show my age, but in the early 80s, there was a whole happy day's line of shoes where you could get the fonts on the back of a shoe. What?
Starting point is 00:32:10 The back of a shoe. Ralph Malf on the back of a shoe. Ralph Malf on the back of a shoe. I picked Ralph Malf over the font. You didn't? I was a Ralph Malf guy. I liked George Harrison's My Favorite Beetle and Ralph Malf was My Favorite Happy Days.
Starting point is 00:32:23 George Harrison is not the Ralph Malf of... No, the Beetle. George Harrison is. Absolutely, he is the Ralph Malf of the Beetle. And Malf was constantly being told to sit on it. Yeah, so was George Harrison. No, he's at least the third most favorite Beetle of everyone. Yeah, and Ralph Malf is the third most favorite happy days
Starting point is 00:32:40 after Fonzie and Richie. No, you got Fonzie and Richie. That's the John and Paul, right? We agree on that. Sure, that's fine. But Mr. C. That's George Martin. You're out of your mind.
Starting point is 00:32:50 He's not in the band. No, but that's... Are you crazy? That's not... You're not even mentioning Mrs. C. She's not in the band? Sure she is. She's got a hatred of women.
Starting point is 00:32:59 Sorry, that's saying... Hang on. You're right. You're right, Adam. And thank you. Mr. and Mrs. C. are like the rhythm section of happy days. Yeah, interesting take.
Starting point is 00:33:09 So Ringo and Paul is what you're trying to say. That's right. Mr. and Mrs. C. are the Ringo and Paul. What about Johnny? What about Chachi? Johnny, that's interesting. I'd say they're like the Jerry and the pacemakers, like a spin-off that's inspired greatly
Starting point is 00:33:22 by the original ensemble. You know a lot about the beetles. It's almost like you have a podcast. I've never heard... I've got to be honest, I'm gleaning just from this conversation what they're about. Really?
Starting point is 00:33:31 I'm guessing. Off the dome. I heard somebody yesterday make fun of George Harrison. I was like, I got to work that in. Okay. I actually don't remember that. What was this person saying? This person, I was walking near a cabby
Starting point is 00:33:41 and he was like, get out of my cab. You're like the George Harrison of passengers and I could tell it was a pejorative. So I held on to it and I was like, I'm going to use that as an insult because I'm trying to whip you're smarter. Interesting cab driver. Anyway, oxfords.
Starting point is 00:33:53 So narrow toe, no human faces. No human faces, that's important. Oh, this was a literate cabby. He was an aerodike man. You can see he was really giving them the what for. And I got to be honest, the passengers seemed like they deserved it. You can't always tell when you're just walking by
Starting point is 00:34:11 in altercation, but this sort of seemed like two sort of Nair-Duel, Agro, Alpha, no good, no good. Okay. So the two Alphas coming at each other. They just, they had their chests popped up. Sometimes big dog got a bark. Sometimes big dog got a bark. Were they passengers with you in the cab?
Starting point is 00:34:25 No, no, no. I was walking by. I had nothing to do with any of these people. Oh, so the cabby wasn't yelling this at you? No, no, no. I was walking by. Do you not own a car? I don't.
Starting point is 00:34:32 I like to walk. I'm a shoe guy and I'm a foot guy. So you, when you say you're a shoe guy, you like to put them to work? Absolutely. I don't like to, shoes ain't being to be put on a shelf. You put them on your feet. They're not, they're not meant to press gas pedals
Starting point is 00:34:47 up and down and break pedals. No, you gotta get out there and it's for man and woman to walk around the earth. You must go through a lot of shoes if all you do is walk, if that's your mode of transition. I absolutely do. And a well-made shoe will last you. Even if you're putting serious miles on it,
Starting point is 00:35:02 you're going to get one to two years out of a good well-made shoe. Really? No, as you say, I don't walk around in my oxfords too much because that's a dress shoe for formal occasions. It's not a walking shoe. Oh, what are you walking? I walk in trainers as the Brits call them.
Starting point is 00:35:14 Or I'm so sorry, sneakers. Oh, God. It's kind of, you know, trainers makes more sense. Yes, yeah. But, you know, we don't speak that often. Where are you sneaking around to in your tennis shoes? Rarely at Faber. But training, you're running.
Starting point is 00:35:27 That's a form of training. You do that in your trainers? Exactly. Or any kind of athletic activity? Do you design these types of shoes that athletic shoes? No, I've done it as a matter of apprenticing my oxford skills. You mentioned the Air Jordans. Did you design those?
Starting point is 00:35:42 I wish. I wish. I went through a strict apprenticeship where you had to make a lot of Air Jordans as part of your certification. You had to prove that you could theoretically, if asked, make an accurate. Oh, so this wasn't even for the Nike Corporation.
Starting point is 00:35:55 They were just like, as part of your training, hey, make an Air Jordan. I apprenticed with a distinguished cobbler in New England. And he was great. And he would make you make every kind of sort of classic shoe. Oh, so what are the classics? What do we got here? Sandals.
Starting point is 00:36:08 Sandals. Air Jordans. Birkenstocks? No. This guy didn't respect Birkenstock because he was very anti hippie. So anything that sort of smacked. What did he have against hippies?
Starting point is 00:36:17 Oh, God knows. He didn't like drug use. Was it the culture? Oh, he was older. You know, he just never caught up. The long hair part of it? He just, you know, he was a real like pro-government. You stand up and you salute old glory.
Starting point is 00:36:27 What about the free love? Was he conservative? No, he was very conservative. Just a one woman guy? He had one woman. Yeah, I was married not happily. I mean, this guy had a lot of issues in his emotional life, which I unfortunately couldn't tell.
Starting point is 00:36:37 00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,480 What was going on in his marriage? I think they just weren't happy in, but they stuck it out because they came from a generation where you just, you don't give up. Right. And how did you? I had an affair with his wife.
Starting point is 00:36:48 Oh, God, what a mess. We became very close. And it ended my apprenticeship. Oh, no. So you never completed your actual apprenticeship. Did you have to start over with another, not only a new master? What do you call someone you're taking?
Starting point is 00:37:03 I think you do are supposed to call them a master, but nobody does that. Right, but not only a new master, but did you have to start over with a new woman? I did. I mean, I lost my relationship and friendship. And I felt that I had learned enough so I did not begin training a new,
Starting point is 00:37:16 from the woman and the man learning these shoes. Like, oh, I get this. This goes in here. I mean, look, she was very sexually adventurous. And I suppose I did learn things from her, but I did not see that as an apprenticeship. I see. I just saw that as a relationship of passion
Starting point is 00:37:30 that went awry. And I betrayed my teacher and I felt bad about it. I was not right to anybody. I was doing nobody any good. How long did you feel bad? A couple of days. Yeah. And then I was like, eh, you know what's done is done.
Starting point is 00:37:43 Case arrest. Yeah. On to more shoes. On to more shoes. So you've designed mainly you're an Oxford guy. Thank you. Right. Yes, mainly I'm an Oxford guy
Starting point is 00:37:53 and I have a little Etsy shop. Which is currently not up because it's been banned for hate speech. Oh boy. Not mine. Not mine. Other customers. I attract a lot of jerks.
Starting point is 00:38:04 And so they really why would you I mean, what is it about your shoes that I mean, you know what they say like, if you're a comedian who has like a shitty audience, you're partly responsible for it. Well, hey, I agree with that. I want to do better. I'm talking to my audience right now.
Starting point is 00:38:17 But you're talking about yourself. Oh, you seem to be a jovial fellow. I wouldn't think of you as someone who attracts a bunch of jerks. Yeah. But what is it about your Etsy shop that's attracting these people who are leaving hate speech? I have a lot of like aggressive
Starting point is 00:38:29 and preemptively defensive shoe names. Oh, like what? One of them is like the real side of the story wingtips. Another one is what the left won't say. And why are you? I don't know why I do it. I want salty names of brands to try to like get people. I'm having trouble with sales.
Starting point is 00:38:47 It's getting my attention. Yeah. Yeah. So and I don't even agree with those things. I you know it's. I can understand you pander to a certain audience. And that's what it is. It's pandering.
Starting point is 00:38:54 And so I'm not going to do that anymore. So my one of my Etsy shop is a lot back online. It's going to be perfunctory and unremarkable names only. OK, so. And I'm going to try to just make it on the quality of the shoe. OK. And are these shoes quality? I would say yes.
Starting point is 00:39:08 I mean, of course, that's subjective. Of what type of quality? Good or poor? I would say good. The high and good quality, the admirable and desirable quality. OK. And what makes them so good? They're well made.
Starting point is 00:39:18 They will last you a long time. They are fashionable. You can't just say what I say. Why are these shoes good? You can't just say they're good because they're well made. That's like saying they're good because they're good. Would you say that's a tautology? Perhaps.
Starting point is 00:39:30 Like how many dressy affairs would a pair of oxfords last me? Now, that's a great question. Thank you. If you had one of my oxfords, I would say it would work for you upwards of 50 dressy affairs. And you could go nuts. How many are you going to a year at them? Uh, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:39:45 No, you're you're you're not. 300 dressy affairs per year? Well, I consider every day except 65 a dressy affair during a year. Hey, you know, you're a dapper gentleman who wants to be well appointed. I do. Then I would say a pair of oxfords is perfect for somebody like you. Thank you. I would recommend an almond, hued wingtip or half brogue.
Starting point is 00:40:07 That might that might do you nicely. You keep mentioning this word brogue. Like it's something that you. It's an alternate word for wingtip. They say it in Britain. I keep forgetting I'm talking to America. So sorry. Wingtip is what I mean.
Starting point is 00:40:19 A half wing. But wait, you're American, aren't you? I'm American, but my my mentor mentor meant that's a better word than master mentor. He was British, British born and lived in New England. Really? Yeah. So did he know other famous Brits like J.K. Rowling? He knew a lot of them.
Starting point is 00:40:35 Really? It's a small club. Yeah, he knew Sir Paul. I don't know who that is and J.K. Rowling and who else was he was he? I mean, I can only imagine J.K. Rowling. She didn't used to be famous, but was he the inspiration perhaps for, you know, one of the characters in one of her books or something? Who's the big hairy dude that likes animals?
Starting point is 00:40:55 Hagrid. Him. He looked a lot like him because he had the big like poofy, you know, beard and he was a rough and tumble sort of salt to the earth energy kind of like I mean lovable. Oh, really? Well, not too well feet tall. Oh, no, he wasn't that. Is that part of Hagrid?
Starting point is 00:41:10 I believe sort of. Yeah, I mean, Adam has not finished the book series. Is that a reveal that he's not 12 feet tall? How many books in did you get? Like three. Yeah. No, he shrinks down. Yeah, he does.
Starting point is 00:41:21 Book four, yeah. It's revealed the halfway through that it's been forced perspective for that. Standing in the back of the room. It's just because Harry was always so small. But then when he grew up, he was like, oh, wait a minute, you're not 12 feet tall. You're actually just five feet. So it could be that my mentor was an inspiration for Hagrid. Interesting.
Starting point is 00:41:37 Yeah, but a warm fellow to his to his apprentices, unless they're. Was he the inspiration to for J.K. Rowling? Coming out and saying that wizards before there were toilets would just shit on the floor and then they would make it disappear. Did you say that? Yes. That's incredible. I don't think so.
Starting point is 00:41:55 No, I'm trying to think he had it. That was the beginning of her descent into madness. He used a toilet from what I recall. So maybe there was something between them. So wasn't something where she saw him shit on the floor one day and said, I got to use that? I have to admit that wasn't part of my relationship with him. We didn't explore his relationship. Was it part of your relationship with his wife, though?
Starting point is 00:42:14 I'm not going to get into the finer details of our sexual exploits, but yes. So a lot of like shitting on the chest and stuff like that. We went through a whole. We tried a lot of things that ended up not being for us, but we our motto was why not whenever it came to trying something that is like that movie. Yes, man. Yeah, exactly. Only it was more like yes, ma'am.
Starting point is 00:42:35 What a great film. Really good. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, ma'am was sort of my attitude towards her. But again, I regret the relationship. It was started under false pretenses and then nothing.
Starting point is 00:42:44 How did it? What do you mean it started under false pretenses? I lied to her. I was like, I am royalty. They were they were both angliophiles and I said that I was 25th in line for the throne and that began our romantic relationship. As an American, you're you were 25th in line. Yes, well, that's what I told her.
Starting point is 00:43:01 That must be hard to pull off. I mean, a lie like that. I mean, that's huge. I figured that number 25, she just be like, I guess, you know, he's like his grandfather was an Earl or something like that. And, you know, he's somewhere in line. And so because 25, I mean, like number two has been waiting for 40 years. Yeah, that's right.
Starting point is 00:43:19 But if you're an angliophile or you're someone who's into the to the royals, anybody, we just had someone on last week who is a royal watcher. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I bet you if I lied to this person and said that I was 25th in line, he would have sex with you. Yeah, I would imagine. I would imagine.
Starting point is 00:43:34 So and that would be under false pretenses. That would be I would if somebody wants to have sex with me, I want it to be because of who I am or the quality of my shoes. Perhaps if they're impressed with my how many times has that ever happened where someone wants to have sex with you because of the quality of your shoes? Oh, let me think about it. None. Oh, really?
Starting point is 00:43:50 Yeah, it's never happened. I said you were doing like beautiful mind style like math. I went deep because I've I've met people in the, you know, other shoemakers and shoe fans, which then became romantic relationships. But it was never my ability to make shoes. So shoemakers and shoe fans, they mingle? Yeah. Yeah, it's a pretty tight fraternity.
Starting point is 00:44:08 And surety shoe fans. Yeah, fans. That's what I'm saying is, is like podcasters and podcast fans aren't always like. Oh, there's lots of shoe fans. Absolutely. Yeah. If you're a shoemaker. That's not what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:44:19 What are you saying? I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of shoe fans. I'm saying that that the podcast makers and the podcast fans aren't intermingling all the time. There's a clear divide of if you're a podcast guy, you're on this side of the line. If you're a podcast listener, you're on that side of the line. Unless there's a convention. Sure.
Starting point is 00:44:39 The fans at a particular. Yeah. You have like shoe cons or Oxford cons or trainer cons in Britain. And part of it is mingling, meet and greet, work the people, press the flesh, ask what their name is, make a minimum of five seconds of eye contact. Normal things that people do to appear normal. Yeah. You sound like you're training yourself to be a human being.
Starting point is 00:45:02 You know, I'm a shy person and sometimes it's difficult to meet strangers. I don't think I'm alone in this and I'll have little tips I have taken with me to try and try to be nice. Yeah. What are the tip? Minimum five seconds icon. Minimum of five. Repeat back their names to them as often as possible.
Starting point is 00:45:20 Okay. What are our names? One of you is Adam. Okay. And oh gosh, the other one is shot. It's very close. It's very close. Okay.
Starting point is 00:45:31 And I have noticed you have not looked either of us in the eye this entire time. It's so difficult for me. I want my five. Okay. Here we go. You looked away at two. So tough. It's tough.
Starting point is 00:45:45 Yeah. It's not easy. That's actually kind of a long time to make a concept. It's almost too long. If someone were to give me a type five, I don't know. Yeah. But if you were shoe fans and I met you at an Oxford con, I would really try to step up and be there and make the whole five.
Starting point is 00:46:02 Yeah. What makes a shoe fan? I mean, it's interesting because I wear them. Am I a shoe fan? Absolutely not. That is not even close to being enough. With the questions you've asked me, you gave away. I'm a sock fan.
Starting point is 00:46:13 You're what? I'm a sock fan because I wear those under my shoes. I don't think that makes one a fan. You must have an enthusiasm, a hunger for knowledge, a curiosity. I can tell you if I were to walk outside right now, especially because it's raining outside, I would put shoes on. That doesn't make you a fan. Listen to yourself.
Starting point is 00:46:31 You sound like a babbling idiot right now. Hey, now you're giving me the, I got that and you're not looking away. So how many pairs of shoes does one have to have to be a shoe fan? I think it's more of the emotion you have towards the shoes and not the quantity. Quantity could be a symptom of it. How many shoes do you own? Oh gosh, because I've made so many. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:50 Six? Six pairs of shoes? Six pairs. So 12 shoes in total? 12 shoes. And I love them. They are family to me and I rotate them in and out very carefully. And that includes the ones?
Starting point is 00:46:58 Like I replace them. Sorry, that includes the ones you've made? Yeah. Well, I've sold a lot of them. You know what I mean? Or I've given them away. So the ones that I have kept where I make a pair. I'm like, I can't give you away this.
Starting point is 00:47:10 These are too perfect. I can only imagine at them. It's like you have like, you do a take and you're like, guys, that one's for me. I'm going to keep this. I'm going to keep the film. That's right. I'm taking that home with me.
Starting point is 00:47:21 I'm going to wear it. I've watched television shows where a particular scene seems lacking. And I'm like, I bet the actor kept the good take. And so right. And I respect that. Happens all the time. I respect that. So yeah, you know, a shoe fan is the emotion and the passion
Starting point is 00:47:35 that you have. If you had more knowledge or curiosity about a shoe, I'd say you were a shoe fan. Who owns the most pairs of shoes in the world? I think Imelda Marcos was famous for owning lots of shoes. Right. But she's dead. Now, are you worried that if you were to own a lot of shoes,
Starting point is 00:47:50 you would be dead too? It only stands to reason. Let me follow this. So you'd think that the reason Imelda Marcos is dead is because she had a lot of shoes. I'm saying that it's possible. So let's do a Socrates thing. Okay.
Starting point is 00:48:03 Imelda Marcos had a lot of shoes. Yes. Imelda Marcos is dead. Therefore, having a lot of shoes makes you dead. Okay. Yeah, I guess that does follow. It does stand to reason. I've never before been scared of it, but now I am.
Starting point is 00:48:15 Yeah. So I think six, six is pushing it. No, no, no. I've kept it. I'm a man of simple means. I don't like to have a lot of possessions. I feel like that's not nearly enough for a shoe fan. I've had more in the past.
Starting point is 00:48:26 I once had like hundreds of pairs of shoes. Really? Yes. And I just, it felt excessive. And so I, part of my sort of becoming a better person when I realized I had a fear of loathing towards women and really just everybody. I, and I was like, I want to be better.
Starting point is 00:48:42 I want to improve. And I went into therapy and I read lots of sort of books on improving yourself. Part of it was like, I'm too attached to material possessions. Okay. So you got rid of it. I was like the hardest thing for me to get rid of will be the shoes. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:56 Did you save them for last or? Yes. That was the last thing. So you got rid of everything else? All my silks. Silks. Spices. Spices.
Starting point is 00:49:04 Bonds and investments. Are you on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria? I wish. What a life. Oh man. What a life. When you think about it, those guys had it all. I mean, one reason why you'd leave Europe to go over an ocean
Starting point is 00:49:18 that maybe doesn't go anywhere because your life is great. That's, that's a sure side of the people on those boats is everything was going right for them. Wow. But yeah, so I gave a lot up and the last thing was the shoes because it was, it was emotionally very difficult for me. But I, but I, when I finally did it, I did feel unburdened and I felt like this is, you know, I am really,
Starting point is 00:49:37 I'm really trying to become a better, better person. So the six you kept must really mean something then. Yes, they are there. There's five of the pairs are that ones that I made. And they're the six. And the sixth one, I, it's my Ralph Mouth sneakers from well, not nice. You can still have those.
Starting point is 00:49:53 Okay. Sentimental. They were a gift from my, from my parents. Oh really? Are your parents still with us? No, they're not. They've, they've, how do you say died? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:01 How did they pass away? If you don't mind me asking. Oh, they, they, they lived a long life there. Until what? No. So I was asking the opposite when, how did they die? How did they die? Not, not, did they live a long life?
Starting point is 00:50:15 Oh, until what? Not until like how long? No. Yeah. How did they die is what I mean. My father died of a heart failure and my mother was unfortunately vaporized. Vaporized.
Starting point is 00:50:25 What's happened? Well, I don't totally know. She, I think she might have been a spy. She got into some sort of altercation with a strange man who came to the door and vaporized her. But how did that. Jesus.
Starting point is 00:50:36 Pointed some sort of futuristic looking blaster and she just disseminated into Adams. Really? But she was already an old lady who had a great life and I was like, hey, it had to happen. Was there like a pile of. Yeah. Pile of, yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:48 I tried to reconstitute the ash. I tried to rehydrate the ash. By what? Pouring water onto it. I was distraught. I was distraught. That must have just made a mess. It did.
Starting point is 00:50:58 It was like, what did I, why did I think this would work? And did you speak to the man before you left? I couldn't. He ran off. He was like, she deserved it and left. And I don't know what happened. He said, he deserved it. I don't know what happened.
Starting point is 00:51:07 She was a mysterious lady with a lot of, with a lot of. But that's, that was his last parting words to you was she deserved it. Yeah. He was like, don't come for me. She deserves it. And he ran off.
Starting point is 00:51:15 And you said, okay. I said, I believe it. He had a real conviction about his voice. Yeah. Wow. And like, she was a 76, you know, and I was. That's not a battle to be like, yeah, it's fine. She was vaporized.
Starting point is 00:51:26 But it's, you know, you would, it's, it was sad, you know, and I miss her, but I wouldn't call it tragedy. How long were you sad? Couple days? Couple days. Yeah. You're a couple of days guy. You have to move on.
Starting point is 00:51:35 There's, you can't change the past. So what do you got in the, what do you got in the hopper? What are you, what are you designing? Well, once that Etsy shop gets back online, I'm going to do a beach, huge, half wing tip, Oxford. That is for spring only. And it's going to be. And Oxford's for spring.
Starting point is 00:51:52 And I got three sizes, weak, normal, and whoa. Weak is seven men or smaller. That's weak sized. And then normal is like eight, nine or 10. And then higher, bigger than that is. Whoa. I gotta say, if I were an eight and I'm wearing something that a week, that a 10 could wear,
Starting point is 00:52:11 that's not going to be comfortable. No, eight is weak. Eight and lower is weak. Nine, 10 and 11 is normal. And then. Okay. But nine, 10 and 11 all have the same size. They all have the same size.
Starting point is 00:52:20 Make it work is what I say. Make it work. Put some tissue in there. That's what they did in the old days of England. Put tissue in there. Yeah. Just, you know, stuff it. You know, you could, you know, or, you know,
Starting point is 00:52:28 whatever you got to do. So, so. Weak, normal, or whoa. Those are the three. Weak, normal, or whoa. But what is the actual shoe that you're, that you're designing? What do you mean? I mean, what are the features on it?
Starting point is 00:52:38 What are, I mean, is there a drawing of a human face? Never. I only do Oxford's. Okay. You do Oxford's. Yeah. So. Beach, huge, you said.
Starting point is 00:52:46 Beach, huge, half wing tip, spring dress shoe. Okay. What looks at spring? It's, is it the color? Is it? Descent. Descent. Descent.
Starting point is 00:52:56 The scent. Pine scented. Spring is pine scented. I think of it. I think of it as pine scented. Anything just trees. What is beach, huge, I mean. Beach, huge is like a, it's like a light brown sort of butterscotch.
Starting point is 00:53:07 Like a sand color. Yeah. Little, little darker, but you're on the right. You're on the ballpark. So a butterscotch shoe that smells like pine trees. Well, I wouldn't call butterscotch. It's beach, huge. Oh, it smells like pine trees.
Starting point is 00:53:18 But it's like a butterscotch. Pine scented, beach, huge, half wing tip, spring dress shoe. Ten bucks. That might be way too small or big for you. Or too big. Yeah. Or not necessarily. Sounds great.
Starting point is 00:53:29 So if you can get through the hate speech on your Etsy shop. Just for my customers, not for me. Not for you. And then that's been taken down. And I, which I endorse. Okay. That being taken down. It's great.
Starting point is 00:53:38 And how, and how do people get to this? I had no idea. Okay. All right. Well, fantastic. Well, Thomas, it's great to have you on the show. Can you stick around? Yeah, I got nothing going on.
Starting point is 00:53:49 We're going to take a break. We're going to come back. We have more Thomas mashed potatoes, more Adam Scott. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang. We're back. Adam Scott, star of Severance is on the show. And if you get a season two, are you going to get in there and be like,
Starting point is 00:54:10 Hey, I want to write the next season. Oh man, there's a ton of stuff I'm going to do. Because it must be so frustrating to have like, like you get a TV show. And it's like, Oh, this is going to be awesome. And then suddenly they send you all these pages of things that they're telling you you have to do. Yeah. Dan Erickson, who created the show and writes the show, you know, I'm going to, we get season two.
Starting point is 00:54:33 I'm going to just sit down and be like, Dan, listen, write, not write, whatever. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I'm just going to. Here's what the A dog is up to this. Yeah. I'm really going to get in the saddle and make some changes.
Starting point is 00:54:46 Mostly all having, you know, internal changes with me, but it's going to affect you and the show in a huge way. That's the way to do it. Yeah. No, that's what people want from an actor. Swing that big D.E. around, you know. Just really get in there and let everyone know how you're feeling about everything. Fantastic.
Starting point is 00:55:05 Well, the notoriously difficult to work with Adam Scott is here. Absolutely. And we also have Thomas smashed potatoes who seems, I mean, self-employed. So I don't know whether, I mean, I guess you were difficult to work with your mentor, but I've had mostly poor relationships with my co-workers. And also with women, it seems like, has a real huge issue, which we haven't even really gone into. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:27 Nor should we really. Nor should be, as far as I'm trying to get better. We have to get to our next guest, a novelist. This is very exciting. Please welcome Mariska Biener-Butten. Oh, that's close enough. How? I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:55:41 You told me how to say it, but I can't remember. Yeah, I've been about that. Been about that. Yes, been about that. It's been about that. It's Dutch. It means like within and without, like inside, outside. It's beautiful.
Starting point is 00:55:51 It's sort of like California Living, you know, where like you open up the wall. Yeah, like Alfresco. Why isn't your name Weird Alfresco? I guess because my parents couldn't choose their last name and because they probably did not want to name me a boy's name. And because in Dutch, we in Holland, we don't like to be weird. Oh, is that that's part of the culture? Sure, yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:18 I would say that's part of the United States culture too, which is why it was so refreshing when Al came out and said, no, I am weird. You think that Americans aren't weird? I think Americans are weird, but they don't want to be perceived as weird. That's so interesting. You find them to be weird? I think that you are always trying to be so weird. Like you have your flannel kind of slightly unbuttoned right now.
Starting point is 00:56:40 Yeah, that's right. That's so... And your pants, by the way, which if you could take that off, I'm so sorry. That's legitimately weird. I apologize for that. I think that's a salt. But the top part is just a little bit weird, isn't it? Yeah, the flannel shirt being unbuttoned is a little weird.
Starting point is 00:56:53 Well, with a t-shirt under, it's like you're trying to wear a dress shirt, but at the same time you're unbuttoning it, but then you're covering up your chest. Wait, so you think anyone who wears a shirt with a collar unbuttoned with a t-shirt under it is... Like with a t-shirt, take the t-shirt off and wear it like a normal Dutch businessman, which is like four buttons undone, no shirt underneath. That's a normal Dutch businessman. That's normal. So you're saying what I'm doing is sort of mixed signals kind of,
Starting point is 00:57:19 like t-shirt and a flannel, but I'm not committing to... I mean, I've never thought about it that way. It is mixed signals in a way. And it's a waste because now you've dirtied two shirts. Yeah, just... That's for sure. And you're wearing them both out, so you're going to... Your clothing budget is going to go through the roof.
Starting point is 00:57:34 It's like you're paying for twice as many clothes when you do this. That's right. It's just not practical. I never thought about it, but what I am doing now is freakish. In Holland, we have a saying that the tallest flower gets its head chopped off by the lawnmower. So it's a little bit like, don't stand out like you idiots. Just get low and just be normal for once. Get low.
Starting point is 00:57:58 That's a terrifying saying. Yeah, yeah. It makes me want to just stay quiet and stay low. Yeah. You see now why there aren't that many famous Dutch people. Yeah, or weird Dutch people. I can think of the little Dutch boy. Right.
Starting point is 00:58:13 And... Who was American. Buster Brown that you said before. Buster Brown, yeah, yeah. He was Dutch. I mean, he seemed Dutch. He definitely had a Dutch vibe. If he was Dutch, it would be spelled B-R-U-I-N, Buster Brown.
Starting point is 00:58:26 Like how Brown is spelled. Okay. So I can't think of a single other... See, I can't. I mean, was Hamlet? He was the melancholy Danish. He was Danish, yeah. Common mistake.
Starting point is 00:58:38 But anyway, sorry, that's just all about how my parents probably, why they didn't name me Weird Al. Right, yeah. Good answer. Good answer. Incredibly fair and generous answer to the question, why weren't you named Weird Al? So, Mariska, how do you say it again?
Starting point is 00:58:55 Been about that. Been about that. In, out, yeah. In and out, yeah. Well, that's not going to help me. Okay, yeah, sorry here. But you're a novelist. Yeah, I've just finished my first romance novel.
Starting point is 00:59:07 Oh, is that the primarily the... This is the genre that I've always wanted to work in. Oh, so you haven't yet. This is your first. This is my first. It's serious. It's passionate, very sexy, very sort of... This is like a way where you can kind of play out your fantasies
Starting point is 00:59:27 in a book while you're reading it, and you get to feel what it would be like to live this, this sexy life. So, could it be that a man who himself has made personal mistakes that he feels guilty about could read a romance novel and think, I am worthy of love? This could happen to me? Next time you try to ask like a hypothetical, don't point to yourself like that.
Starting point is 00:59:48 Because then it blows. It's a giveaway. Yeah, you were doing sort of the who has two thumbs in. And then, okay. And you was talking about yourself, this guy kind of thing. So, you guys could pick up that I was talking about myself? Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:59:58 But the answer is yes. It's for everybody. Men, women, yes. It's for men and women. Is that okay, Thomas? Yes. I say carefully. Yes.
Starting point is 01:00:09 Of course it is. Of course it is. 01:00:11,560 --> 01:00:12,440 Okay. I have learned to appreciate it. But that said, Mariska, are not romance novels mainly read by women? Sure. Yeah, that's a big part of the audience.
Starting point is 01:00:23 I think men maybe get a little bit bored. Like, well, I think like they like Playboy article length. They want like 30 seconds and then they're like, you know. That's Playboy article length, 30 seconds. Oh yeah, that's happened to Playboy. The articles have gotten incredibly short. So, there was one paragraph. It used to be that you'd say, oh, I read it for the articles
Starting point is 01:00:42 because the articles were actually good. Right. But they've like, they've like. Really shortened them. They've quibbified them. They're like, they're right down to length. Everything's been quibbified these days. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:51 I used that as an example. And I didn't know how long they were. I pictured them like a little blur. They are now. Like, oh, okay. They're blurby. I think. But back in the day, it was like, you'd go page after page.
Starting point is 01:01:04 Sometimes you'd go like 40 pages before seeing some fucking pussy. Yeah, no, that's a long time for men. Yeah. No, but so I think the women like the longer experience. They like the longer. They can spend the whole summer on the beach reading this story. Guys, this one is for men. Both can.
Starting point is 01:01:21 Yes. It's not exclusive, you know. If a guy has the patience to read something. Sure. Where it's like takes a long time before the dirty deed. And I'm finding that a lot of people like this book, they're all finding it very across the board. I'm getting great reviews.
Starting point is 01:01:35 What is the book? It's called the polder model. And it's. Polder model? Yeah. This is sort of a, it's a little bit of a play on words. So in Dutch culture, we have this concept, the polder model. The polders are like little islands off the coast.
Starting point is 01:01:50 Okay. And back in the like 15th century, all of them flooded. And everyone in the polders had to work together to unflood by digging canals and making windows. Okay. So. Got it. But in my story, the lead character.
Starting point is 01:02:05 What's the model? She's a model. So and she's from the polders. The polder model. I see. So it's not one word. It's two words. It's two words.
Starting point is 01:02:14 Oh, and sorry, the polder model is something we use now in banking and stuff to say, like, if we have to work together, we have to use the polder model. We cannot be my island. Oh, so it's a pun to play on word. It's a play on this. Yeah. That's funny.
Starting point is 01:02:27 Thank you. That's so funny. Thank you. Now that I know what it means, it's hilarious. It's, it's making me laugh. It's very, really, really, it's very funny. I like, I like, I like, this is what I like. I'm really laughing right now.
Starting point is 01:02:38 I love, I love jokes about banking. So do I. Yeah. So do I. So the lead character is a model, right? Wow. Good setup. So how, like, what are we talking in 10?
Starting point is 01:02:51 Of what? On a scale of one to 10, like, attractiveness. Oh, I mean, yes. Like, she's famous. She's a working model. She's in. Do the Dutch not have the system of rating from one to 10? That seemed to throw you completely.
Starting point is 01:03:01 Yeah, I've never heard that. Oh, how do you rate system? We all look very similar. So everyone's a 10? Yeah. There's no ratings at all for anything, then? Also, like, why, why? Just like, if you're interested in them, talk to them,
Starting point is 01:03:15 why do you need to, like. I guess in a country that has the tall, tall, poppy metaphor, you don't want to be a 10. Yeah, everything is, that's right. Everybody wants to be a 5. If you were listening to the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album, for instance, you would just say. It's fine.
Starting point is 01:03:29 It's fine. Yeah. And that'd be a compliment. That would be a good thing. 01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:33,880 Yeah, it's fine. So she's. So she's, she looks like everyone else.
Starting point is 01:03:35 She's a successful working model. She looks like everyone else. But is everyone a model then? I mean, they could be. They could be, but she just chose to be. She just chose to be. And, and she's doing well for herself. The book starts and we find out she is the woman on, on all of the,
Starting point is 01:03:52 the pamphlets that talk about what sort of banking plans you can get. Like how to use your card. So what, what is she doing on these? Like what are some of the poses she's doing? She's like in like an office and she's sort of reaching. Reaching for a bank card and she's looking like, oh, that's interesting. Oh, wow. You're interested in doing it.
Starting point is 01:04:11 You'd be an excellent model. Oh my gosh. You just haven't chosen to be though. That's right. Yeah. So she's like a super model then. That's right. She is super at her job.
Starting point is 01:04:19 She shows up on time. She does not complain. She's like. The main attributes of models. Yes. Yes. Yes. She's showing up on time.
Starting point is 01:04:27 Yeah. Yeah. And not complaining. That's right. Right. Wow. So she sounds great at this. So she's on this pamphlet and everyone has seen this pamphlet.
Starting point is 01:04:35 Yeah. And it's like, um, and she sometimes once in a while, like the pamphlet is copied onto the side of a tram or a bus. And so she's really being seen. So she's at a conference and she sees this man in the back of the room and she sees and they see each other from across the room. And he looks like pretty much everyone else as well.
Starting point is 20:57:00 01:04:55,400 --> 01:04:55,720 Yeah. Same. And that's just where her eyes have happened to Paul. Paul is so good. Yeah. For no particular reason. That's right.
Starting point is 19:39:35 01:05:03,160 --> 01:05:05,640 And in and the next thing you know, they're both going outside at the same time and you go like, okay, okay, okay, they're going outside to talk to each other. Turns out they just both want to the cigarette at the same time. Okay. Yeah. Good. I was worried that it was going to be something sort of more spectacular
Starting point is 01:05:20 and I'm relieved to hear that it's business as usual. That's right. And they, but they, but they get outside and it's just the two of them. Right. And it's been a very nice stay up until now. I mean, just the two of them in their area. Like not in the entire world. No, that's right.
Starting point is 01:05:36 It's not science fiction. Yeah, other people are outside. Thank God you clarified it because I did assume at that point that everyone else was dead. Everyone was gone. Or when they walk outside. That's what I mean. It's just the smoking area.
Starting point is 01:05:46 That's right. I'm glad you're not my editor because I would not have liked to put that for every sentence just to clarify. They're not, it's only two people. I would be a harsh, harsh editor. I believe you. I would be a stern taskmaster. I believe you.
Starting point is 01:05:58 You'd be a long book too. Yeah. Well, I mean, for a lot of people, do you get paid by the page or? No, I just get, we all get paid the same amount. Oh, no matter what job you do. Oh, okay. I just, I don't know if this is off topic, but I'm writing a novel. Could I read just the first sentence and just hear what your guys' thoughts are on it?
Starting point is 01:06:16 Yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to hear a professional write. I mean, this is just for fun. I mean, we haven't even gotten through the premise of her book, but you're jumping in. I feel like I want to take over right now just for a little bit and then I will let it go. Okay. I only got to talk for 30 minutes. Sure.
Starting point is 01:06:29 Just real quick, just very quick. Sure. Sure. Yeah, because we have a professional writer here. You want to be a writer. Even though that never came up in your segment, but go away. It's a hobby and I just want to hear the Dutch take on it. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:40 Okay. So the storms passed quickly as did his love. It's not believable. Okay. The storms would not pass quickly. Oh, really? Is it, it's very stormy? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:51 It ranged like 95% of the time. Oh, right. And why, and why do we care about his emotions? It's the first sentence of the book. We don't even know this guy. This is a stupid book. I would not read it. Okay.
Starting point is 01:07:03 A little harsher than I thought was coming, but I appreciate the honesty. What if he changed it though to the storm did not pass quickly, but their love did? Now I'm in. So it was the unbelievable of the storm that took you around. Now at least I know it's a real story coming from a real place. 01:07:18,440 --> 01:07:21,640 It's professional feedback and it's incredibly valuable. It's painful and I am hurt.
Starting point is 01:07:23 But I do respect that. Are you willing to change it though? Absolutely. I'm always willing to change and improve. Since you talks about books, can I talk about the shoes I'm wearing? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll give you some feedback. You can tell me if they're oxfords or not because I could not tell your thing.
Starting point is 01:07:37 It wasn't clear. These are my work shoes. These are my professional shoes. They're lovely shoes. Let me just say right. 01:07:44,280 --> 01:07:50,120 They're like a like a fuchsia suede boot with like two zippers on each shoe. Absolutely not an oxford.
Starting point is 01:07:51 No, already not an oxford. Already just because the zippers or the fuchsia. You don't, I mean, that's that's not a traditional. I have seen beaches that have some. If you look very closely at some of the shells. If you want to tell me that's a beach hue, I'll let you buy in a technicality. Okay. But it's a boot with two zippers.
Starting point is 01:08:09 Two zippers on each on each one and then fringe on the top that sort of comes down over the zippers. None of these are very garish shoes. These are going on. These are my work. These are my work. David Bowie lyric shoes. But what's weird about the way you're dressed is it's not just the shoes. Like every part, I mean, like you're wearing a jacket.
Starting point is 01:08:28 It's all over the place. It's like almost like from the Wham. I'm your man video. This is a vinyl. It's very practical. It's like a like a pink pink and yellow vinyl with zippers. You said before that you don't like to stand out from. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:08:41 This is how everyone dress. You're like a very tall flower right now. Well, I mean. Here in America, you are. But you think we're weird because we don't dress like this. Well, look at him. He's got unbuttoned a little bit of his shirt, but there's a t-shirt on here. But you're wearing a multi zippered suede fringe.
Starting point is 01:08:58 What do you have against zippers? No, I just think it stands out. It's something that catches the eye. I think we're discovering something here, which is context. Okay. It's like the Albert Einstein thing. You cannot have hot without cold because you don't know what it is. Oh, I didn't know that was an ice.
Starting point is 01:09:16 Oh, okay. I think so. Wow, he was smart. Or there's a guy. He's the guy who stuck his tongue out in that poster, right? 01:09:21,240 --> 01:09:21,960 Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:22 Love it. That's his main thing. Yeah. Love him. Yeah, he's one of the best. Walk me through how you came to think that he was great from that picture. How many do you hear about all this shit that he was doing about like relative to what? And then like...
Starting point is 01:09:37 That's bad. But he's got a sense of humor. He's like, he's great. I love him. That photo was taken right after he discovered that they cracked the code on the atomic bomb. Oh, really? Yeah, they just caught it at a moment where I see out of context and it looks silly. He was really excited about it.
Starting point is 01:09:54 But he was like vomiting at the realization that's what would happen. But he looks like a silly, fun guy. God, it looks so happy. He's right before he vomits. He still seems cool though, I would say. I think he was probably cool. Wow. I gotta say, if I lived where you lived, I'd probably pick model too.
Starting point is 01:10:12 Oh, yeah. You know? 01:10:13,480 --> 01:10:14,680 But yeah. Does everyone, when you go out to dinner, does everyone like split the check or...? I mean, this is such a stereotype. But... Like, and we don't all go and play with two jump ropes.
Starting point is 01:10:25 But yes, we split the... Yeah, we split the check. It's just, it makes more sense. And how many jump ropes do you use? Two. Because that's the best number for jump roping. But why would I make you pay the whole check? That's rude.
Starting point is 01:10:37 And why would I pay it? I'm not that nice. You're not my boss or anything. That's right. Yeah, exactly. We should split it. We should split it. Nobody's breaking the bank here.
Starting point is 01:10:46 Right. So does everyone have tons of zippers all over their body? You cannot let go of the zippers. You just have so many. Like, it's, you're gleaming. Yeah. You know, yeah. You're almost like in this movie I saw starring Adam.
Starting point is 01:10:58 Hellraiser 4. 4? Yeah. The where he like has the head full of zippers? The pins, well, he's got, you know... And doesn't he have a CD shooting out of his head? He shoots CDs. I think he has a CD.
Starting point is 01:11:11 Yeah, he shoots CDs at people. That sounds nice. Yeah. Almost like you too shot that album into our phones. That's right. And we were the only two that were delighted. That sounds nice. I would listen to a CD shooting out of someone's head.
Starting point is 01:11:25 So they go outside, they decide to share a cigarette. They share one. Okay. And why is that? They go because they're going to touch. Oh, got it. Yeah. And because why spend the money on another cigarette?
Starting point is 01:11:37 Sure. We both have one, we'll share it. And all of a sudden it starts raining, like pouring rain on. Right. But this is to be expected because it rains. That's right. Like you say 95% of the time. And they were expecting it.
Starting point is 01:11:48 So they're both in their like vinyl, their like waterproof suits, head to toe. They're 100% protected from the rain. That's right. They're very dry. They've expected it. They've been walking around all day in this like crinkly sort of like construction pants, like a hazmat suit, you know? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:12:06 Sexy. Yeah. Well, I mean, we're getting there. But we, yeah, we want to get there. But it's sexy to, you know, when it's raining, it's so romantic, right? The mise-en-scene. Yes. That's right.
Starting point is 01:12:15 So they decide like, why don't we get out of here and go share like a romantic meal? Right? Okay. Okay. I hate to ask, do you think they'll split the check at this meal? Probably, yeah. Yeah. Of course they will.
Starting point is 01:12:27 Of course they will. This context. It's sexy. So they go to this little, like there's like. Just ask, why are you lowering your voice? It's the mise-en-scene. Oh, okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:12:36 Okay. You're setting the table here. Or we say mise-en-scene. Oh, great. They go to this nice little Italian place, little candles on the tables. They look at the menu. Oh my gosh. And they realize like, they don't have what we want to eat here.
Starting point is 01:12:51 This is stupid. Why would we spend our money? Do they not want Italian food? No. But what they want is like, they thought that they might have it, you know. You thought, have what? What they're craving, like the sexiest food, which is like a piece of salmon. Like a raw smoked salmon on like a hard toast with like a little bit of like dry butter.
Starting point is 01:13:18 And then like a cut in half, like hard boiled egg. And like a little tiny piece of iceberg lettuce. This is kind of turning my stomach. And then like a little, like just like a fingernail of onion. I don't know. Fingernail. That seems to be the worst of all worlds. One of those pieces of lettuce that kind of looks like the fake bushes in a train set in the electric.
Starting point is 01:13:45 Those like hard pieces of lettuce that are like. Parsley almost. Yeah. It's like picture an under the sea scene, like a set piece from SpongeBob. Like one of those like wiry pieces of that on top. Just that on top. They want that. They want to split one of those.
Starting point is 01:14:01 It's super specific. The eggs hard boiled, is that right? Hard boiled eggs and dry butter. Just like a, well, like, you know when butter, it has, it's been like in the refrigerator for so long. And you take it immediately from the fridge and put it right on. And it's just one of the hardest substances. It's hard and it's almost dry. The flavor is almost hidden at that point.
Starting point is 01:14:23 And this, and this is delicious to you? The best. You said a fingernail of onion. Is there something, what about that amount? Yeah. It's just, why waste the onion? You can get like 80 sandwiches out of an onion if you cut it this way. Because it seems to me like you're being critical of it.
Starting point is 01:14:40 And yet, this is delicious to you. I love this. What was critical? Sometimes I speak harshly, but I'm just being honest. But did I seem like I didn't like it? No, no, I mean, well, the way that you're talking about it. A fingernail of onion. A dry knuckle of butter.
Starting point is 01:15:00 Barely big enough to cover. Fingernails and knuckles. The words you're using are not appetizing. Hold on. The psalm is like wilted and like a little bit warm, but it hasn't been cooked. So you think it might be unsafe? Above room temperature for some reason.
Starting point is 01:15:19 Yes. And we don't know why. And it's barely enough to cover a little bit of the hard dried toast. Is it the intrigue of whether you'll get sick or not? Is that what makes this appealing? It's delicious. It's so good. Okay.
Starting point is 01:15:33 Little piece of ice cream. Okay, no, I feel like we have this in our minds right now. What? Get to the sexy part. What happened? So they go to the Albertine really fast because they've got to get all the ingredients there. That's a grocery store.
Starting point is 01:15:47 They're making it. They're going to make it. Okay. And so... How many pages into the book are we at this minute? We're at like 200. Yeah, it feels like it. It feels like a long 200.
Starting point is 01:15:56 But the climax is coming. Oh, okay. They get all the... Climax is coming at page 200? No, it's coming in the future. Yeah, the climax isn't here. It's coming. Great.
Starting point is 01:16:05 It's coming. Appropriate for a climax. Sure. So they get the stuff. They get into the checkout line. She realizes, I haven't gotten my paycheck yet for this period. And if you can cover me for half of this, I can pay you back.
Starting point is 01:16:25 It's good that a model's on a salary, right? Not just paid per gig. Sure. I like that. But that's everyone, I guess. And he says, okay, but let's think about this. Because he has his budget and he's like, I got paid yesterday. How long did they talk about budgets?
Starting point is 01:16:41 This is mind-numbing to me. Why? Right now. Why is this important to the sexy part? It's because it's like we don't just want to have the sex. We want to... Just get to the sex. Just tell us about the sex.
Starting point is 01:16:51 Okay, so we cut to... They're looking for a hotel room. Okay. To eat the food. Yes. Or they got the dry butter. They have all the ingredients, but they want to put it together in a hotel room.
Starting point is 01:17:01 Well, they need to because the egg is an egg, and they have to hard boil it. So they need to be somewhere where they can boil the water. Don't they have their own places? They do, but they're at the conference. So they're... Okay. And they haven't gotten...
Starting point is 01:17:14 And they haven't gotten their hotel rooms yet? Not yet, because they came straight to... They just got in that morning. That's right. Okay, this is what... You're the writer. You can change all of these details. Not now, it's written.
Starting point is 01:17:25 So they get to the hotel room. My editor barely read this. Okay. She was like, it's so sexy. You're the... Actually, this is the first time I'm hearing any feedback. Any pushback about this? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:17:34 Okay. I don't want to give it to you, but like, please. Okay. So they... So first hotel, too expensive. There's more than one hotel. There are six. Oh, sure.
Starting point is 01:17:42 There's three. It's like... It's then held there. It's like a beach town. So there's like three whole hotels. So they go to the second one and it's like, ah, it's a little bit like the lighting is very bright. It's like...
Starting point is 01:17:55 Not right to... Kizalech. Yeah. They're turning it down because of the lighting. Sure. Yeah. It's not Kizalech. And they're looking to boil an egg.
Starting point is 01:18:05 It's going to be the first time they share a meal. They want it to be just right. And they want bright lighting. They want just bright enough to see it, but also low enough that it's like cozy. Obscures a little bit. It's not... Sure.
Starting point is 01:18:19 Have you ever ridden... It doesn't exist anymore, but a Virgin America flight. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Anymore. Right. I wasn't going to say like Pegasus.
Starting point is 01:18:31 Well, I think that would be more interesting than what you're talking about right now. So they get to the third hotel. It's a brightly lit room with a stove top. It's lit just enough. Like a Virgin airline flight. That's right. I love those flights.
Starting point is 01:18:45 No stove top, but it has like a kettle, a plug-in kettle that you can boil and you can cook anything with this. It's amazing. Okay. So they fill a mug with... With boiling water. 350 pages just from that.
Starting point is 01:19:02 You keep making me skip ahead. Cut to page 500. What happens on page 500? They decide he has botched the egg. She thinks it is such a waste of her time to be with a man who cannot even cook an egg. She like gives him... What amount of time has passed
Starting point is 01:19:18 since they first saw each other? I mean, it's a little bit of time, like 90 minutes or something. Okay. And she leaves. So this book isn't even written in real time. It's less than real time. It's slower.
Starting point is 01:19:31 Well, because we have to hear their thoughts and we have to... Can we just cut to the sex? I mean, there's just... There is no sex. But never. Not actual sex, but it's the sort of the feeling
Starting point is 01:19:42 that you come away with is like, yes, like what is sexier than someone being honest about what they want and what he is, which is a piece of shit because why can't he boil a freaking egg? It seems to me like, Mariska, these books,
Starting point is 01:19:57 normally a romance novel is all about two people. They meet each other. They're hot for each other. Yeah, this is... They fantasize a lot about having sex with each other, but something's keeping them apart,
Starting point is 01:20:08 usually like some sort of relationship or their social status or something. Or the restaurant, the hotel, the Albertine, the budget and the eggs. No, let's see the lists of all the hotels and the eggs and all of that. That's the kind of stuff none of your audience is interested in.
Starting point is 01:20:19 They're interested in, are these people gonna have sex? And when they do have sex, is it hot sex? Is it everything they've imagined sex to be? Have you ever had sex? No. Why not?
Starting point is 01:20:31 Well, it's so much work. Take the egg in the hotel and everything out of it. You can't. Just go have sex with someone. It's so stupid, then you're just wasting your time for like what? Nothing, sex is a waste of time.
Starting point is 01:20:45 But it's a waste of time? Yeah, technically. Great, then I don't want to do it. Technically it is. I mean, unless you, like Adam, you have two kids, like those were the only times that were not a waste of time.
Starting point is 01:20:55 That it wasn't a waste of time. That's why those are the only times you've done it. But it's a fun waste of time. Look, Mariska, this book sounds horrible. I usually don't say that about, do we have the title of the book? The folder model. The folder model, yes.
Starting point is 01:21:09 They have to work together. They all work together, but nothing ends up happening. And is it successful anyone buying these? Huge success, yeah. Does everyone just automatically get a copy? What do you think it is, just like a communism or something?
Starting point is 01:21:25 I don't know. So everything is like this U2 album, do you, Adam? I guess that's the only way. Wait, is U2 just giving away their album? One time they did it. It's a somewhat long time ago. 10 years ago. All right, look.
Starting point is 01:21:38 We're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs. Giz. Oh, gosh. That was a real fake out. That got me good. Well, that's an inexpensive little tune.
Starting point is 01:22:07 That was Jake Jackhead with lovely plugs. Thank you so much for Jake Jackhead. All right, what are we plugging? Adam, what do you, what does a guy like you have to plug? Just severance on Friday, the final episode of the season coming out. And don't just watch that one, although you could, I guess. There are eight previous episodes.
Starting point is 01:22:25 So, and that's, do you think that's confusing? It could be, it could be confusing, depending on how it's explained. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like the way I'm explaining it is potentially confusing. Is it, do the characters kind of make this clear, though, that it's the ninth episode of nine?
Starting point is 01:22:42 Every episode, every character's first line is, okay, it's episode five, and this is what needs to happen. Okay, good. Good, that sounds great. Severance on it, and people have to have an Apple TV Plus subscription. On Apple TV Plus, and Plus, you can get a subscription quite easily. Yeah, and then you can also, like, you get video games and working out and stuff like that.
Starting point is 01:23:05 There's all kinds of stuff on there with that subscription. Anyone ever play a video game and work out while watching your show? That would be the trifecta for Apple. Happens all the time. Yeah, amazing. All right, and Thomas, what do you want to plug? I'm going to plug a podcast I'm a fan of called Screw It. We're just going to talk about comics.
Starting point is 01:23:20 Two brothers, Will and Kevin Hines, talk about comic books. I've really gotten into it, and... What do you like? I mean, what is a guy like you? I like how niche and alienating they are. They really don't let new people in. There's almost no explanation of the backstory of what they're talking about. They assume you've read what they're talking about and already know about it,
Starting point is 01:23:40 and then they reaffirm what you know, and I'm really into it. And they're... They don't take controversial stances on these. They pretty much just recap. They toe the party line, and they pretty much express what the consensus is on the things they talk about, and if you want to hear that parroted back, they're good at it. They're going over the Daredevil comic book series
Starting point is 01:23:59 Born Again Right Now, which is read by Frank Miller and drawn by Dave Masicelli in the mid-80s. It was a milestone, great superhero story that's only mildly problematic. So, you know, check out that podcast. All right. That's my recommendation. And Mariska, what do you want to plug here? It's a short film improvised by Susie Barrett and Rebecca Drysdale. Short, like five minutes.
Starting point is 01:24:22 Okay. Easy. So, this is Quibi. It's Quibi-length. And where do people see this, and what are they called? It's called Gum, and they can see it at whatisgum.com. Whatisgum.com? That's right.
Starting point is 01:24:33 With Rebecca Drysdale, a great talent. That's right, and Susie Barrett and nobody turd. Wow. And they work together, and they balance each other out. Okay, interesting. Well, I want to plug, you know, head over to CBBworld.com. I was going to plug this show called You Can't Handle the Sludes. Yes, I am a fan of that, too.
Starting point is 01:24:54 Oh, really? I should have plugged that. We just had a very funny new episode of that a couple of weeks ago, and we just had another This Book Changed My Life episode with Lily Sullivan, Randy Snutz episodes. We got some good stuff in April. We just, Sean Diston and I, we just reviewed the 400 Blows on our show, Scott Hasn't Seen, and people are really responding to that.
Starting point is 01:25:24 So head over to CBBworld.com, and if you subscribe for a year, you get two months free. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. And put it up. Take the other, put it down. You're gonna make a box. It's time to start to close it. But don't close it too much or you open up the plug bag.
Starting point is 01:25:59 We're opening up that plug bag. And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world. I'm talking, open up the plug bag. I'm opening up the plug bag. Open up the plug bag as hard as you can. Then you open up your heart. Open up the plug.
Starting point is 01:26:30 Man, hearing Dr. Sweet chat, the small talk robot say, oh no. It did, it delights me to no end. That was Dr. Sweet cha-cha with Oye Como Plug. Guys, I want to thank you so much, Adam. Always great hanging out with you. Are we, are we, I mean, I know you have two TV shows now. You don't have a lot of time. We ever gonna do another podcast together?
Starting point is 01:26:52 I think we should. Yeah. I think we should. Yeah. What about? I'm drawn a blank. Just about this. About Comedy Bang Bang?
Starting point is 01:27:01 Where we recap Comedy Bang Bang? Yeah, every episode. Yeah. That's a great idea. This is a great idea. Yeah. I'm committing fully right now. To all 751 episodes?
Starting point is 01:27:10 That's exactly right. Okay, fantastic. And Thomas, so great to meet you. Thanks so much for having me on. I love trying to reach an audience for my wares. Yeah, although even though you don't have any. I don't know how to get them right now, but it's, you know, I've piqued the interest
Starting point is 01:27:23 and I hope that people will search later. I look forward to it. 01:27:25,560 --> 01:27:26,280 Thank you, Adam. And then Mariska, bad book, bad writer. Thank you. You're really bad. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:27:33 Thanks for coming by though. Thank you. And it was a bad time. And I think that you have a lot to learn about hosting. Okay. All right, I will see you next time. Thanks. Bye.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.