Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Ben Schwartz, Bobby Moynihan, Ryan Gaul

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

Ben Schwartz aka Sonic the Hedgehog joins Scott to continue the yearly tradition of appearing on the first CBB episode of the year! They chat about the Disney vault, New Year’s resolutions, and what kind of movie they would do together. Then, hitman Slow Pesci returns to talk about his next assignment. Later, pet groomer Darryl Day stops by to talk about his day long pet grooming process. Plus, the debut of the new Closing Up The Plug Bag Theme for 2025! Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

The Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang. The clothes may make the man, but the ham don't make the spam. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Ham, Hammin' It Up, but it's Ham Minnesota, the abbreviation for Minnesota. Hammin' It Up. Hammin' It Up. Thank you to Hammin' It Up for that cast-ray submission. Welcome to another edition of Comedy Bang Bang.

First episode of 2025. We did it another year. Another year in the books. One more fear. Every year we get one more fear. This time I'm afraid of clowns. What about you? Oh really?

Sure. I'm afraid of big spiders, not small spiders. Ooh, so what do you think of Spider-Man? Very terrifying. The fact that I have to write his adventures, his continuing adventures, is me just trying to like dive into my fears. But Spider-Boy, you're fine with these smaller spiders.

Oh yeah, he's small, yeah. The big ones that are about like approximately, I'm looking at your giant head right here. I'm not that big of a head. Really? Yeah, I don't think so. Compared to people in the city, I don't think so. Compared to people in the city?

I feel like to be a big movie star, you got a big head, I don't have that. So to people in the city, I don't think so. Compared to people in the city? I feel like to be a big movie star, you got a big head, I don't have that. So you have a country-sized head, you think? Yeah, I got a country bumpkin head. You see my head on the side selling pumpkins, you know what I mean? Yeah, I can see that. And the pumpkins are bigger than my head. Yeah, that's right.

Let me introduce you in a second. We have a great show for you today. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Coming up a little later, we have a, we have a celebrity sibling. That's pretty exciting. What? Yes.

Oh my God, I love celebrity siblings. Celebrity sibling. We also have a pet groomer a little bit later. So very exciting show. Not as exciting. And this gentleman, he's been on every first episode of the calendar year, not fiscal year, for perhaps a decade.

We're not keeping track. Someone's gotta be. I think it's a decade. We're not keeping track. Someone's gotta be. I think it's a decade. Every year we do this, we wonder how long we've been doing it. And I never look it up. Never. And then we come here and we should be like,

we've been doing it for a blank amount of years. And it's probably something we can even ask chat GPT. Sure. Why wouldn't we? Here, let's ask chat, excuse me, chat GPT. Yes. How long have Ben and I been doing this? Give me a second. Meep up.

How long do you need? Meep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep-a-deep do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do A micro, okay, a micro bit. Okay, so it's Scott. Yeah, I was asking how long Ben and I have been doing this for? Long time, my man. Okay, that's not specific, ChatGPT. Ask me what's orange in the room. Okay, what in this room is orange? I can't see your room, dude.

Okay, good, I'm glad about that. I can only take things that have happened in the past and put them together and give you a new answer. So what do you wanna know? Okay, what voice are you doing right now, ChatGPT? Because it sounds a little... Minimini. OK.

Minimini. OK, it's a robot voice. I just wanted to check. Minimini. OK. Hello? Hello, yes. Do-do-do-doom, do-do-doom, do-do-do-doom.

What song is this, ChatGPT? Do-do-do-do-doom. Why can't you tell me what song you're actually singing? That's the swimming level of Mario. OK. Oh. Welcome back. Ten years. Ten years! Amazing. Why can't you tell me what song you're actually singing? That's the swimming level of Mario. Okay, oh. Welcome back. 10 years. 10 years, amazing.

10 years, 10 great years. I remember the first time we did this, you said this won't last and it did. And unfortunately it lasted. He is my sort of- Big intro, here we go. Honorary co-host for this tradition- Once a year.

Of the first episode of the year. You know him, he first burst onto the scene in a show called House of Pies that was on Showtime. Did a bunch of stuff before then. But you didn't burst onto the scene before then. I went and burst onto the scene with that. Some rando asshole who would pop up in things every once in a while.

So you've seen me in other things, but you don't wanna acknowledge them? I couldn't even tell you what they are. Really? Yeah, no idea what you. But just a rando asshole. Just an RA. An RA, a rando. You've seen me in other things, but you don't want to acknowledge them. I couldn't even tell you what they are. Really? Yeah, no idea what you- But just a rando asshole. Just a rant, just an RA. An RA, a rando-

Just zipping through my TV screen every once in a while. Okay, all right. And then of course he became a very well known- Thank you. Joe Malf on- Never played with your name, Joe Malf. On the parks or recreation show.

John Ralphield, which is what you were talking about before when you said zipping through like an asshole, I'm assuming. John Ralphield, parks and recreation. That was before House of Pies? Yeah, it was before House of Pies. Okay. It was before Undercovers.

You wanna talk about Undercovers? I don't even know what that is. I think you came on the show to talk about Undercovers once. Could be, and I bet you made fun of me then. And I watched it. I get no respect. You ever hear my character, Rodney Dinger feel? Oh no, let's hear a little bit.

I get no respect. Ding. Doesn't Rodney Dinger. Yesterday my wife came in the room, she looked at me, she said, what is that, a pecker? I said, ding. I said, ding. It mean I get no respect.

I would pull my bow tie. I get no respect. Oh, you were pulling your bow tie. Yesterday I went to the golf course and they said, you're not allowed here. And I said, why, because I'm Jewish? They said, no, because you're better at golf, ding. So they don't let people on golf courses

who are bad at golf? So you know that sometimes- There's like a general aptitude Over my dog shows me no respect. No respect. You were a dog. Huh? Aren't you a dog? Dangerfield dog No, the fucking time right and those are using my dog come up to me He came up and pulled his leg up and he looked at me and said, not you, I'm not respecting.

But now he is in movies. He's a movie star. Yes. He is the voice, as we know of Bubonic the Ledge Dog. Sonic the Hedgehog. Which. Not Bubonic. Which of course came out last month and just rocked. In 1991, it was a video game and we've done three of them.

I'm talking about the movie that just came out, Idiot. Okay. Yes. I'm not going through the entire history of Bubonic the Ledge Dog. It's called Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't care.

The third one came out December 20th in the States and we're very excited. December 20th in the States. You saw it, you loved it, you gave it your five star review and that's really fair. That's right, out of 100. And he is here now to just enjoy. I'm here now because we have to do it every year until we pass away. Until we, you think we're gonna do this

until we pass away. And I'm almost certain you die first. I know how you die. You know how. Old age, ding. I love that, but you're gonna die at young age. Ding. I'm too young.

A Benjamin button. Oh no, oh no, I'm becoming too young! Please welcome him, it's the elegant Mr. S, it's Benny Schwab, Benny-uh himself, Ben Schwartz is here! Hi everybody, Ben Schwartz here keeping the tradition alive, here we go, another hour and a half of fun and adventure. What are we going to talk about? Thank you so much for plugging the, oh by the way, can we plug the, we'll do it at the

end, Ben Schwartz and Friends is touring right now. I don't care! care right it's just you shit on me every time I come and you never get real information out so by the time you get your real information out as we go along that's by the end after the song nobody listens they shut it off by the way you're always touring so it's not like a special thing where you're like hey we're touring down I get no respect for anything you're always touring why don't you have a home thing yeah seriously why are you not home I only leave for one weekend a month I planned it so I just tour the whole year,

but only one weekend a month. What do you do the other, you just play video games around your house? I just play video games, thing. One time I played Sonic, Sonic looked at me, he said, what are you doing? Stop this foot. That's my line.

I get no respect thing. Isn't it funny that you used to play- Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic. And honestly, I really do think. You used to play the Sonic video game. Yes.

And you were just a wee young lad pulling your pud around the house. What is pulling my pud around my dick? Pulling my dick around? From pulling your little dick around the house. What does pud mean? When have you ever said pud? Talk to me like you talk to one of your French girls.

You never talked to me like a human being. Talk to me like I'm a guest you respect. Madame Muzette. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I was going to talk to you like a French girl. A guest you respect? Yeah. Name is something. Pretend I'm John Ham. Go talk to me like John Ham. I talk to John Ham like this. Madame Who's It. Oh, okay, I'm sorry, I was gonna talk to you like a French girl. A guest you respect? Yeah, name something, pretend I'm Jon Hamm.

Go, talk to me like Jon Hamm. I talk to Jon Hamm like this, it's a sickness. No, you don't, I've seen you talk to Jon Hamm. I do. But you used to play this video game, and used to go like, ooh, left, right, up, jump, pow. Button is jump, you don't press up. Hit the buttons.

Up makes you look up, yeah. No, you look up when you press up, when you crouch down, when you press down. Okay. And then suddenly, cut to, Smash cut to in fact. Smash Brothers cut to. Smash Brothers cut to years and years later, you're playing the voice of this character

that you used to control with your joystick. Now you control with your vocal chords. That's really, this is the first time you've ever asked a real question. Where's the end of the question? What does it feel like? Does that suck or is it? No, it doesn't suck? It's a dream come true dream come true You got me as a little boy pulling my putt. I can't believe you got me to say it pulling my putt around the house

Playing that video game loving it loving video games altogether And then all of a sudden I get to be the way that kids are introduced to this character at this stage Which is do you think the kids are first see the movie and then play the video game or or is it usually the other way? There's all sorts of different versions, but I think some kids This is the first time seeing it then they go see the cartoons then they see the video games Do you think some kids see the poster first? What are you doing? And then they go? What are you doing? Play the video why for five minutes? It's a big deal to me in this movie and then a huge movie Hey mom, I I'm video game for five minutes.

Can we just walk outside the theater and I can just like listen to people laughing inside? Like illegal to talk about. I don't think it's illegal to talk about that. It's your past. You've done it as an adult, right? Pull my putt? Yes.

What does that mean? You've worked it, you know? Tell me what you're trying to say. Tell me what you're trying to say. You're trying to say jerk off? I mean, I'm trying not to be as crass as that. I'm trying to say pulling your putt. Pulling your putt is literally just as bad.

But it was the last time you pulled your putt. What do you watch when you pull your putt? What do I watch? Yeah, I want to know exactly what your search words are when you pull your putt. I watched the videotape that I made of myself the last time I did it. So wait, but then you're not making a new videotape? No, I made a videotape the made of myself the last time I did it. So it's, so wait, but then you're not making a new video

or are you- No, I made a video tape the very first time I ever did it. I had to think about, I couldn't, I don't know what I thought about that time. And then I've watched the previous video tape every single time. Right, right, right. So you watched that, so then you film yourself

Talk about your Big Bang theory. A young Sheldon, let's bring him into the mix, of course. What? What do you mean, of course? How young? Nobody's asking to bring young Sheldon in. How young should Sheldon have been? Because that show- I'm really happy we did it.

The third one has Keanu Reeves, Idris Elba, Jim Carrey. The third young Sheldon has Keanu Reeves. No, this has nothing to do with young Sheldon, of course. Let's not bring him in, of course. So, here's the deal. Colleen DeShabes sees in it. Young Sheldon gets too old.

Adam Pally who's done this show is in it. They're like, we gotta cancel this young Sheldon show. Jim Carrey plays two different roles. Should they have made him like, Colleen Ashada sees in it, Young Sheldon gets too old. Adam Pally who's done this show is in it. We gotta cancel this Young Sheldon show. Jim Carrey plays two different roles. Should they have made him like, just even two? What's your favorite Jim Carrey movie? My favorite Jim Carrey movie? Hmm, number 13.

I think it was number 23. Oh, okay. I was always subtracting 10 from it. What's your favorite Disney movie? Someone brought this up the other day to me and someone said Lilo and Stitch. Is that your favorite one? Who brought this up to you? to me and someone said Lilo and Stitch. Is that your favorite one? Who brought this up to you?

Like what, you're a grown adult man in his 40s. What I did is I asked you a question that you could have answered. Instead you take a piece of shit and you push it up my nose so all I can smell is your fucking feces in my nose. What's your favorite Disney movie? You're asking about 10 year olds pulling their pud

and fucking this. This is adult conversation, okay? This is not adult conversation. Nobody talks about it like this. This is a podcast. I asked what your favorite Disney movie is. It's a dull conversation. This is not a dull conversation. Nobody talks about it like this. This is a podcast. I asked what your favorite Disney movie is. It's a layup of an answer. What, name 50 Disney movies.

What? There's gotta be at least that many, right? Well, you said Song of the South is your favorite. No. You said that 20 times. No, I'm the one who put that in the vault. You put that in the vault? Yeah.

Who gets to take those out of the vault by the way? I know, that one's been in so long. Have you ever been in the vault? Oh my God. I used to work at Disneyland. Hey, but we've, we passed in the vault? Yeah. Who gets to take those out of the vault by the way? I know, that one's been in so long. Have you ever been in the vault? Oh my God, I used to work at Disneyland. Yeah, but goof. We passed by the vault once and they were like, this is where we put all the videotapes that we don't want anyone to see.

That's not true, is it? Yeah, no, it was right there. No, it's not. It's like, you know that Price is Right game? Wait, stop looking me in the eyes, is it true? Yeah, you know the Price is Right game where it has the giant wheel and the safecracker thing? It looks exactly like that.

It's not true, this is false. You know what I'm saying, believe it. But it's a facial recognition. What do you miss most about working in Disneyland? So I put the safe cracker thing. It looks exactly like that. It's not true, this is false. But it's a facial recognition. What do you miss most about working at Disneyland? So I put the goofy mask up there. I'm asking you real questions. And they let me in. So people can learn about you.

What's your favorite part about Disneyland that you miss? Probably this general vibe. You're so bad. You're bad at this. Maybe this is a big cough, you shut it off, you cough. Everybody, he coughed. I hope you can hear my mouth. Oh, so sorry I coughed.

You've never coughed in your life? I have not yet once coughed. You've never coughed? I've had the same thing in my chest. Let me hear what it would sound like if you could. Tossed, tossed, tossed, ta-tossed. Almost. Tossed, tossed, ta-tossed.

You're halfway there. Tossed, taught, learned to fly. What is that from Wicked? That's from Wicked. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Wicked. What is that from Wicked? That's from Wicked. Duh, duh, duh, duh. Wicked. What is your way to go? Wicked, have you seen Wicked yet?

I have seen Wicked. You know that Wicked was a big release from 2024, but it's 2025, of course. But we are 2025. We're talking about Wicked part two. Oh yeah, Wicked part two is coming out this year. Who knows? Who knows at this point? Don't tell me. They keep us in the dark. Give me one hint about what's gonna happen 2025.

2025, okay. So- One hint. Okay. January 6th. Some interesting stuff's going on. No, no, no, again? Again? Yep, I'll be there. Will you be there?

No, of course not. Come on, come on. No one's going to prison. Are you talking about to go to DC? Sure, DC, Del Clos Marathon. No, it's DCM. Oh, so wait, hold up. Are you going to the DCM on January 6th?

On January 6th, yeah. Oh, that's what you're talking about. No, it's not at the Capitol. Coming up in a few short days. There's not a UCB in DC. Okay. What do you mean okay? Tell me exactly what you're doing on January 6th.

What, exactly what I'm doing? Yes, January 6th, what are you doing? You're here in LA. You're gonna wake up? Wake up. No, I'm not. Wake up. Hey.

Little Suzy, wake up. No, I was in the corn one. I was doing the wake up little Suzy. I was like, wake up. Wake up. Wake up. You wanted to. Oh, corn.

I thought you were spelling that with a front words K. No, this is a backwards K. This is the backwards K. Okay, I understand. This is like Toys R Us R. Yes, oh, remember Joffrey and the other, the other, a giraffe. What's the, what's the sewing?

What's the, what's the sewing? What's the sewing? What's the sewing from Toys R Us? I don't wanna grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid. There's lots of stuff that I can do. No, there's a million Toys R Us that I can play with. From bikes to planes to video games.

It's the biggest toy store there is Gee whiz I don't want to grow up because if I did I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid

I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid I couldn't be a Toys R Us kid Yes. Oh, which already happened. We had a solo bolo, obviously. A lot of people are calling it, you said the best solo bolo that's ever boloed ho ho ho-lo.

That was maybe not a compliment, but, or at least a backhanded one. Oh, no lo bolo. Oh, no lo bolo. Ben, what does 2025 have in store for you? It's January. Do you have any resolutions? Ooh, great question.

My resolution. What's the most annoying thing about yourself that you wish you could change? Excuse me? What's the most annoying thing about yourself that you wish you could change? Excuse me? What's the most annoying thing about- I have a list right here, but I wanna hear what you think. No, I don't wanna hear your list. You've shit on me this entire episode.

I don't need you to hear- No, Ben. No. I love you. What? I love you. Holy shit, stop, this is real? I love you. Who are you looking at?

I'm looking right in your eyes right now. Okay, say my name. Can't do it, you can't do it. I can't, but Ben, I love you. No, say my name. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, Can't do it, you can't do it. I can't, but Ben, I love you. No, there you go. There, Ben, I love you. I love you, Scott.

We sometimes say it at the end of episodes, but never at the beginning. What are your resolutions this year? Oh man, I gotta, I'm trying to, you know, add 50 pounds of mass. Yeah, yeah, a muscle mass. I wanna try to 50 pounds of mass. Add some protein powder that I could, that, that.

Yes, I'm trying to get it in my toes. I want my toes to be 50 pounds. It's not a powder, it's more of a goo that I've been collecting. You've brought this up already. You've brought this up already. I'm not gonna suck on your semen cum. What? I'm not gonna, your semen cum is what you're calling it.

My S key. What'd you say? My S key. Your semen cum. Look, Ben. What's your resolution? What's my congratulation? What's your resolution?

What's my resolution? I wanna take my 50 pounds of muscle mass and I'm gonna give it to you. I wanna take my 50 pounds of muscle mass and I'm gonna give it to you. I would take it, dude. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great if we could switch bodies? Imagine if my toes were 50 pounds stronger.

If we could Freaky Friday each other. Just our toes? Just our toes. Your huge toes and my tiny, tiny little ones? Yes, I would love that. Oh my God. And then you would be walking around with my big toes. I'd be walking around with your tiny toes.

Can you imagine how fucking weighted down I'd be? Freaky Friday, toe style. What movie should we do together? Every, any movie, it has to be a movie that's tiny toes. Can you imagine how fucking weighted down I'd be? Freaky Friday, toe style. What movie should we do together? Every, any movie, it has to be a movie that's come out. What movie do you think you and I, without being a bit, what movie do you think you and I can do well together? I would really love to do something like another 48 Hours with you.

Oh, like the sequel to 48 Hours. Yeah, the sequel to something that everyone loved, that everyone came out. Another 48 Hours. Yeah. Do you think we can do, if we were playing Transcendental, you would definitely be Steve Martin and I'd be John Candy. Yeah. Yeah. Did you say Transcendental what we were planes, trains, and automobiles, you would definitely be Steve Martin, and I'd be John Candy. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you say transcendental what? Planes, trains, and automobiles? Planes, trains, and I've never heard of this movie. What is it? You've never seen planes, trains, and automobiles? I've heard of planes. Yeah, have you heard of trains? In passing.

Do you know who Steve Martin is? Yeah. That guy who goes, hickory dickory dock. King Tut fell off the clock. I would love to do a buddy comedy with you. Let's do it. King Tut fell off the clock. I would love to do a buddy comedy with you. Let's do it. Where we fight all the time.

Okay. And then at the end we've, we learned some grudging respect for each other. Maybe we shoot like a hundred people during it. What if we were two sheep and it was an animated movie? Oh, I would love that. I was a black sheep, you were a white sheep. Past, I think that's appropriation.

Sorry. But we can both be white sheep. Like the black sheep of the family, but I'm still white. Oh, this makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love to- This makes sense. Now, this makes sense. I would love to be cast in an animated movie with you. People who are making cartoons out there.

Okay. Ben, I mean- Do they listen to the podcasts? They listen to the podcast more than anyone, I would think. I think you're out there casting Ben. He's the voice of Sonic, Ben now has a contingency, we need to do it together. Okay, now if they said, hey, you know what, we need it, not Scott's voice,

give me, so Scott has different types of voices he does. So I'm gonna give you a character and you give me the voice that you are. You're a Wile-y squirrel, right? A Wile-y on a scale of one to 10? That's a great question, you need to know that. You're seven out of 10 Wile-y. Seven out of 10, so I'm not as Wile-y as I to 10? That's a great question. You need to know that you're seven out of 10 Wiley. Seven out of 10.

So I'm not like as Wiley as I could be. That's very Wiley. Not as Wiley as maybe a coyote, Wiley coyote. I think Wiley coyote. Wiley coyote. What is he, a nine out of 10, would you say? I would say, well then what's more Wiley than Wiley coyote? That's a good point, maybe he's just a full 10 out of 10.

Okay, seven out of 10. I'm a Wiley what now? A Wiley squirrel who's obsessed with mathematics. Okay, here we go. Here it is, and you can name yourself while doing the impression. Okay. Hello!

Stop, stop, stop. It sounds like you're doing Wily Coyote's voice the two times. I know, I couldn't get Wily Coyote out of my head. Okay, so let's wipe it clear. Okay, I'm not even thinking of Wily Coyote anymore. You are a rabbit, right? But it's not rabbit season, and you're always ch. You are a duck. I'm not even thinking of Wile E. Coyote anymore. You are a rabbit, right? I'm a rabbit.

But it's not rabbit season and you're always chomping on a carrot. Okay, here we go. Hello, I'm Wile E. Coyote. You even said Wile E. Coyote. Oh no, did I? You did. I think I heard it as it came out of my mouth.

No, everybody listening can clearly tell you I was leading you to Bugs Bunny and you still went Wile E. Coyote. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm sorry. I think I just, I have- Okay, you can't do that voice. Okay. Do Bill Cosby.

No, okay. You can't do that voice. Okay, you can't do that voice. Okay. Do Putty from Seinfeld. Putty from Seinfeld. Yes. We all know Putty.

Of course. He was married to Elaine. Was he married to Elaine? In real life? Yeah, in real life. No, he wasn't married to Elaine in real life. He also does the voice for Sworn Over California. He's not married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Putty? I don't think so. I think in this show. That's not how he got that job? No, I think in the show Seinfeld. Then how did he get that job? What are you talking about? The acting job? What job? The job on Seinfeld. Was he married? Yeah, he was married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Is that true? Yeah. Google that. ChatGPT. Yes. Was putty married to Julia Louis-

Hold one second. Hold one second. Mom, I gotta take a shit. I know, just let me take a shit. This is taking so long for- Drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop. Okay, yeah, what do you need? What do I need? I asked you already, chat GPT. Come on, I got things to do. I have to do this for 100 people. Was putty married- 100 people, that's not a lot. Not a lot of people using- I mean, it's more than like if I had 100 customers to take care of. You're wasting your time. All right. Was putty married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Was putty married to Julia Louis-Dreyfus? He's doing the ones and the zeros.

Putty from Seinfeld? Yes, putty from Seinfeld. What other putty are you? Silly putty? You thought I taught a putty tat, I guess. No, not married to someone. Oh, okay. I got your answer. tat, I guess. No, not my answer. Oh, okay. I got your answer.

Okay, what's the answer? He did do the voice of Soren over California in Disneyland. Okay, that's not what I was asking. The 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101, 101. I think he did it Elaine on the show and I think that's where you're getting confused. Is this still Chad GPT? This is Chad GPT.

Ask me anything, I know all the wonders of the world. Name anything. Okay, what? I know all the wonders of the world. Name anything. Okay, what? I know all the wonders of the world. What are the seven wonders of the world? Egypt, pyramids, great wall of China. Egypt, pyramids, great wall of China. Egypt, pyramids, great wall of China.

Egypt, pyramids, great wall of China. 101, on top of a tip-tap cone. The people of China. One zero, one zero, one zero, one zero, one zero, one zero. Okay, well that was fruitless. I don't know. I think I'm pretty sure you're married to him. You said you're making one big investment in 2025. Are you gonna tell the group what the 2025 investment is?

That's right, okay. All that money last year. We're gonna do this every year for now on. You tell people what to invest in for 2025. Remember last year, I had a big prediction. I said, put all your money in Dogecoin. Yep. I loved it.

I loved this stuff. I was like, I can't get enough of Dogecoin. I love this segment, yep. What are you gonna put your money in this time? You know what happened. You know who the new president is gonna be. What are you putting your money in? Okay, take all that money out of Dogecoin.

Which hopefully made a lot of money for you. Hopefully it made you a bundle. This is a Scott Says segment. Scott Says. Scott Says, take all that money out of Dogecoin. Which hopefully made a lot of money for you. Hopefully it made you a bundle. This is a Scott Says segment. Scott Says. Scott Says, take all that money out of Dogecoin. Yeah. Put it all in Playboy stock. Playboy?

Playboy, it's coming back. Are you sure? The magazine, the glossy magazine, you know, the centerfolds. Yeah, you think that people are gonna go for print Playboy. Oh, they love this stuff. Are you sure?

You know what's in those centerfolds, Ben? Women, naked women. Oh, so you've seen one. Well, I You know what's in those centerfolds, Ben? Women, naked women. Oh, so you've seen one? Well, I haven't seen one in years and years and years. What was the last one you saw? Wow, great question. I think it was the one that Marge Simpson was on. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, Marge Simpson was in. Was she? I just did a bit, was she? Yeah, well, I mean, it was a double fold out because of her hair. Because of her hair. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, that's my tip. All right. That's my tip for 2025.

And that's called Just the Tip. So Scott says, Scott says Just the Tip. What about Just the Shaft? God, that'd be tough because how do you get around the ship? All I want is the shaft. All I want for Christmas is shaft. You know, when people say Just the Tip,

it's like the tip is where all the bad stuff comes out. Like, you know what I mean? Bad stuff? Scott, what are you saying? You know, it's like the tip is where all the bad stuff comes out. Like, you know what I mean? What, bad stuff? Scott, what are you saying? You know, it's like that's the stuff I don't want in me. When you ejaculate, what comes out of your penis? Bad stuff. What stuff?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what it is, man. Texas D, go on, boys. Texas D. Well, look, man. Oh, it's been great, I can't believe you have to go to a- Boombonics the Ledge Dog is out. Sonic the Hedgehog. If people can still see it. Yes, right now you can Oh, it's been great. I can't believe you have to go to a- BOOMBONIC the Ledge Dog is out. Sonic the Hedgehog. People can still see it.

Yes, right now you can still see it in theaters. Listen, if enough people see it, we get to make another one. The next one is gonna be bananas, so I hope it's great. It's such a weird process. If enough people see it, we get to make another one. I think that's how anything works, right? If something is popular enough, you get to do another one.

That's a good point. I don't know. If this show bombed, you wouldn't be able to do another one. Well, I guess you've been bombing for years. Go to commercial? Yep, first episode of every year. That's when I go to commercial, cause I roasted your roast.

Nice. We're gonna go to commercial. Oh, this is exciting. We have a pet groomer coming up. Oh, what a show for the first year. We have a celebrity sibling. This is incredible. We have Benny Schwab here. I'm gonna be back. I'm not going anywhere. He's not going incredible. We have Benny Schwab here.

I'm gonna be back. I'm not going anywhere. He's not going anywhere. We're gonna be right back. We'll have more Ben Schwartz, more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Comedy Bang Bang, we're back with Ben Schwartz. Of course, the voice of the titular, he puts the tits in the titular.

Don't say that, it's a PG rated film. Although Sonic the Hedgehog has big natties, does he not? No, he doesn't have that. Isn't that the change they made when like his teeth were too weird so they were like, let's distract everyone with his big natties? Big natties, no. No, it's not the case.

In any case, he's in Sonic the Hedgehog 3, people can go see it. Sloppy natties was a term that I used in an episode of something recently and it's not. In any case, he's in Sonic the Hedgehog 3. People can go see it. Sloppy Natty's was a term that I used in an episode of something recently and it's really catching fire. It really, everyone's saying it out there. Yeah. 2025, I think it's gonna be

in the Oxford English Dictionary is the new word. Really? Sloppy Natty's. You were talking, you were about to plug something in. That's right. Anyway, Sonic the Hedgehog, in the great pantheon of animated films. You went to the premiere of the first one.

I did, yeah, you weren't there. But it was a lot of fun. I sent you texts saying I liked it and you were like, yeah, I'm at home. That was the second one. That was the first one, my dear boy. I haven't seen the second one. What?

Look. Turn it on right now. Pause that, pause it. Do you want to? I'm turning on the TV right now. Okay, oh. Okay, go. Okay, go. Boom, boom.

Okay. Boom, boom. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Which one is that? Which group is that?

Which group is that? Da, da, da, da, da. Which studio is that? What is that? Da, da, da, da, da. Doof, doof, doof, do Doof doof. Doof doof. I wanna say it's not Fox. Who knows at this point,

but in the great pantheon of animated films. Wait a second, wait a second. Talking of animated films, you have yet to tell me your favorite Disney movie. Is it Peter Pan? Peter Pan, I love Peter Pan. Hey, is that your favorite movie? Oh my gosh.

You can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly.

I love it. Peter Pan? What are we talking about? All right. That was fun. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hello. Sorry, sorry, giving a knock on the door here.

Who is that? I don't know. Come in. Hello. Hey. Hi. Excuse me, we're in the middle of a show. I thought this was a bathroom.

I gotta bust a piss. Who's this? Who's this? Sorry, we're, sir, we're in the middle of a show. I thought this was a bathroom, I gotta bust a piss. Who's this? Who's this? Sorry, sir, we're- You're sorry. I'm sorry. No, I'm saying sorry because I'm- Yeah, me too. Bust a piss.

Yeah, did I stutter, did I say it weird? Why are you repeating it? Sorry, who are you, sir? I gotta bust a piss. You need to bust a piss? I'm presuming that's something akin to pulling your pud. No, there's nothing like that, I gotta bust a piss. What's a piss? I'm presuming that's something akin to pulling your pud. No, there's nothing like that. I gotta bust a piss.

What's a piss? I gotta piss, it's time to piss. Who are you? You sound familiar, but. Son of a bitch. Who is that? Sir, who are you? You're interrupting a show here.

Doing the traditional opening podcast of the year with the show. Which is it, the inaugural episode, got me bang bang for 2024? That's right, that's right 2025 oh shit is that what we in 2025 are you still writing 2024 on your yeah yeah yeah we're in 2025 still writing 2024 on your piss what's your name sir what's my name yeah slow patch that's slow oh slow patch you're a guest on the show today oh yeah oh okay i came here but i was getting waiting for a show in the green room. I wasn't sure if I was

supposed to come on myself and be caught in or not. And then I thought, you know what, I'm filled with fucking peach nabba. He came in early! He just knocked and came in himself. I'm always early. Slow-mo shoot. How are you sir? I mean honestly, fine. Please be honest when you're answering. Are you his little brother or older brother of Joe? I don't like to say, well. Sorry? He's my older brother. I'm the younger brother. You're the younger brother.

I'm not the little brother. Fuck you. You and I have spoken before, have we not? Yeah, you remember. Around two decades ago. Okay, okay. That makes me feel good. Yeah, it does.

That you don't remember. I do remember. I'm the person who said it. Oh, great. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of your brother. Everyone is. Are you an actor as well? A lot of me.

Yeah, I mean, the whole world was just watching your brother in the Home Alone movie last month. Yeah, they loved him. He comes around every Christmas, they start watching him. That's when he's the most famous now, really. Are you from New York? Yeah. What yeah from New York Yeah, what part of New York you're from the streets the gutter the gutter of what part of New York?

Do you are you familiar with Times Square? Yeah, of course everybody is that day huge ball just dropped They're not me you know you've never heard of not so well. I'm not familiar. You just never heard of it I just never went near that part. I never got that far in Okay, sorry slowpathy. What? me I Think that's a different guess yes, you know what you're talking about slowpathy. What's your favorite Disney movie? I mean, it's gotta be Coco Come now is Cocoa Pixar movie or a Disney movie Listen, I'm gonna jump over this desk. Sorry. I Listen, I'm gonna jump over this desk. Sorry.

I don't know if you heard me earlier, I'm a hitman. There's a reason I'm here. Oh, that's right, you're a hitman. I forgot about that. Go to commercial. But speaking of the hitman business, are you on a current contract? I wasn't, but you brought it up, so now we are.

Say that again? Wait, is it, this is a verbal thing where if someone asks you about a contract, then suddenly you have to kill them? It's like a vampire thing where they invite you in the house? No, no, I know. He was in Renfield, he knows. I do. That's right. I auditioned for that shit. Did you get a year for which role the one that our friend guy?

What's his name Brandon Scott? Yeah, you would have been great. Thanks He's amazing. Do I love them too, but they needed a taller? It's not the kind I got my brother becomes fucking Joe Pesci I become a fucking hit in and I'm fucking podcast Come on. Do you think Brands got Jones like Joe Pesci and you're like, no, he's better than my brother. He's amazing My brother's a real fucking piece of shit. You don't like your brother Joe Pesci He's retired now Retired Retired but

Cancelled oh, yeah. Yeah, you almost got canceled a couple of times in 2024. Yeah, I slipped right through it Retired. Retired. Shit. Retired. But I- Motherfucker canceled, oh eh. Yeah, you almost got canceled a couple of times in 2-3-24. Yeah. Yeah, I slipped right through it. Nice work. He seems to not act any longer. Which is- The joke passed, yay.

He was in the Irish minimum. Oh yeah, he was. Yeah. That wasn't him. That was you? No. So I know they CGI'd him to be younger, but they CGI'd him the whole time?

Yeah. Wow. That wasn't him. Wow. Incredible. It wasn't me, though, either. It was our other brother. Which who?

Which brother? Snow Pesci. Snow Pesci? Yeah. Is that a guy who likes cocaine or a guy who likes the snow? He's a snowman who loves cocaine. A snowman who loves cocaine. He's like hot frosty?

He's our little brother. He's the littlest brother in the family. My mom fucked a snowman. Oh, wow. It seems morey. He's our little brother. He's the littlest brother in the family. My mom fucked a snowman. Oh, wow. It seems more like a snowman would fuck her. I think so. How dare you? Sorry.

Scott, say you're sorry. I beg your pardon. You don't want to get canceled this early. The carrot knows that, I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I beg your pardon. Sorry, Snow. In any case, so the relationship resulted in a pregnancy

and a little half brother of yours? Love, it resulted in love, yeah. That's nice. That's so nice. Are they still together or no? No. Was it a hot frosty situation where the snowman came to life first? Why do you keep saying people know what hot frosty is?

Because people do know what hot frosty is. I'm not gonna lie, I do not know what hot frosty is. Neither do I. Hot frosty is the movie that came out last year about the hot snowman who comes to life. What are you talking about? Everyone knows what Hot Frosty is. You have four people in the room now.

Have you heard of Hot Frosty? Not one person here, so don't. Yeah, but you're all in your 50s, just about. It's the- Don't Google Hot Frosty. I don't believe you that it's real. Right there, Hot Frosty. It's called Hot Frosty? Yes. Is that Lacey Chabert?

I believe it is, yes. Lacey Chabert fucks a very hot snowman. Is that true? Yes. And then what happened? Been there the night. My man. Was it a hot frosty situation?

Now that we've established what hot frost is. No, it was not a hot frosty situation as I think about it. The snowman did not come to human life, but the snowman was alive. Yeah. And so was it always alive or was there some sort of magic, like a magic top hat,

much like the regular frosty, non-hot frosty? Ew, we found a wet boot, a magical wet boot. Someone put this orphaned boot. Orphaned black. On, that's a good reference. On orphaned black while they were wearing wet boots. If you're gonna eat, go ahead and be proud of eating and talk right into the mic.

Tatiana Maslany left her wet boot, a magical wet boot on the street. I don't fucking understand what is so goddamn hard about this. And the snowman put it on. My brother, Snowbatchy, alive. So wait, your brother was the snowman that you're born. Your brother was a snowman. My mom fucked the snowman. Jesus Christ. No, but I'm confused. My mom fucked the snowman! Jesus Christ!

No, but I'm confused. My mom fucked a snowman? Yeah. When does the boot get in there? At the hospital when she was giving birth. Wait, so your mom fucked an inanimate snowman? No. Which got her pregnant after the hospital. Tatiana Maslany, you're not doing a good job explaining it on things. I just want to say this. I 100% disagree. Sassi, you're not doing a good job explaining it on things.

Take us through the chronology. I 100% disagree. Okay, so start from the beginning. Your mom. Who's my mother? My mother has nothing to do with this story. What? You brought her up so many times.

It's the whole time you've been talking about your mom. What's your mom's name? Roger. Your mom's name is Roger? The female one. Oh, I've never heard of her. Roger. All right. My father fucked Dracula.

Okay, so your dad fucked Dracula and you had a kid. My mother fucked a snowman. So they weren't having sex with each other ever? No, they didn't like each other. They were together for money reasons. Oh, I see, so they had both of the boys, Joe and Slow. First Joey, then Slowie, then Snowie. But you said you were the youngest. I see. But they had so they had both of the boys, Joe and slow first, Joey, then slowly then snowy. But you said you were the youngest. I lied.

What is the problem with you? Oh, I get it. He lied. Oh, I understand. OK, so just we get it. So your dad had sex with a vampire. Your mom had sex with just a vampire. Don't just gloss over. Very reductive of Dracula.

Dracula is more than a vampire. And then your't just gloss over. That's very reductive. Sorry. Of Dracula. Dracula's more than just a vampire. Dracula, and then your mom had sex with a snowman, then when she was in the hospital, she gave birth to a snowman, that snowman, Fentatiana Maslany's wet boot, he put it on, and then came to life as Snow Pesci. Tale is old as time.

Wow. We have to find out who you're gonna kill. I don't understand why you do that. I don't understand why. Can you give me a signal? Give me like a hint of who you're gonna kill next. A hint. Don't tell us the whole thing. Just give us a hint who it could be. Yeah maybe the first letter. No get like a hint. Like what do you mean? You mean like a riddle. You can put sugar in it but you can't take sugar out of it. Okay, what have you ever put sugar in? I guess coffee?

I guess you could say any person. Sugar dissolves in liquids. Yeah, that's true. So you put sugar in, but also any person eats sugar and you can't get it back out. I guess they could shit it. Yeah, I guess, yeah. I just want to say you guys are way off already we're okay so it's not a liquid or a person oh no I was wrong it's a person it's a person okay so give us another hint what's good for the goose is not necessarily always good for the gander if you ask me okay so maybe so so if

someone is like a person part of a big company or something like that. Yeah, or a duck, maybe a duck kind of thing. Well, he's saying it's a person. I know, but like a person who ducks a lot, you know, like ducks underneath. Oh, like physically ducks? Like down a button like you were talking about before? Yeah, you know, like ducks underneath pole. You know how like sometimes when you're a relay racer, you instead of jumping over the thing, you duck under it. My concern is that maybe he's saying stuff that has nothing to do. Can you give us one more? Yeah, one more.

I had a roommate in college that couldn't eat peanut butter. This is a true fact. I had a roommate in college. His name was Martin. Which part is true about the- All of this is a hint and a true fact. I had a roommate in college named Martin Alatorowicz. He was Polish and he wouldn't eat peanut butter if he had socks on because he said the

textures confused him. The soft texture in his mouth and the crunchy weird texture of the socks on the ground. Is that true? That's one of the truest things I've ever said in my life. So he had texture imbalance. If he would not eat, if he was to eat peanut butter, he would take his socks off. That's one of the truest things I've ever said in my life. So he had texture imbalance.

If he would not eat, if he was to eat peanut butter, he would take his socks off because he didn't like how the two sensations felt at the same time. Would it be crunchy peanut butter? So if he was eating something that had peanut butter in it in the mess hall, I'm not going to call it the mess hall, am I a fucking 40s army guy? Yeah. the cafeteria. Cafeteria, sure. You take your fucking shoes and socks off and you eat the peanut butter and then put

your socks and shoes back on. This is insane. I love this. That's why I'm telling you. So is it that guy? Is it that guy? No, it's one of you guys. Oh, well, okay. Are you allergic to peanut butter? Do you not like peanut butter? I love peanut butter.

I love peanut butter and I have had sugar. Yeah, I have sugar too all the time. Is there a hint that you could say I could decipher between other scouts? Maybe the Goose and the Gander is specific to one of us. We both kind of run our own businesses. The guy I'm gonna kill has been in a famous movie. I mean, I was in Austin Powers' Goldmember.

He nailed it on the first one. Oh, it's you. You're gonna die. Oh, okay. What was your role in Austin Powers? Can you give us the line the first one. Oh, it's you. You're gonna die. Oh, okay. What was your role in Austin Powers? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Young Michael Caine, of course. Michael Caine.

Fuck Caine. Give me the line. Unfortunately, I did not have any lines in the finished product. Well, and then shoot, what was your line? Hello, I'm Michael Caine. That's great. Hello, I'm Alfred.

Would you like to be Batman? That's great! Something to do with that effect. Who me? Oh, I don't exist. I would love to be Batman. Yeah. No, so why are you gonna kill me? I'm a hit man. I get a piece of paper. Who gave you that paper? You wouldn't see that. See, that's the whole thing. I don't know. It's very like, you don't... Can I see the the piece of paper don't you don't have to see it yeah it's just got somebody's a I am on it and then I got a look and find out who that was okay so this this is your old day I am your old it's a message thing yeah this is the AIM don't have to look at it. From Benny, 69, 69.

Weird. Yeah, Scott Orkman, right? Yeah. Ben, is this you? Ben? Benny, 69, 69. Every time I come on this show, you fucking say the weirdest and meanest things about me.

You're always impolite. You're always unkind to me. You always make me feel like a piece of shit. I don't get that sense. Let me list to any episode I've been on. I don't get that sense about myself. Do you think you deserve to live? Give me one real reason why you deserve to live, and I'll give you a hundred reasons

why you should die. Jesus fucking Christ. I have a family. Do you? I have a family who loves me. They depend on me. Do they? Yeah.

They're fine in my place right now. My family's over at your place right there? I knew you were going to die, so I took, I'm taking care of your family. That's so nice. You're welcome. You're going gonna take care of them for the rest of their lives for as long as it takes what does that mean a couple years and then a couple years there till they find a new guy that can really support them and not be such a cock face this is terrible I can I cancel his contract

money to kill me? Him? Yep. You're not gonna believe this. Who him? Who him? Yeah, me. 350 million dollars.

350 million, that's how much you got paid to do Sonic 3? That's how much you got paid just for two, just Sonic 2. Yeah, yeah, that was for- That's just your two money? Yes, that was for my guest spot in Bob's Burgers. All right, well I'm gonna have to dip into the probably the Spang Bang t-shirt sales. Yeah.

Maybe my Spiderman money, but I'll go 351 million. I'm looking at you to see if you're going to go a little bit higher. 400 million. 400. Can you go higher than that? 400 million and $1. Price is right.

You will. The price is right. I can't do it. I can't do it. You can't do one more dollar Have to be two more than he previously did hundred million and two dollars. You can't do I can't do it All right, you're a piece of shit. Do you have Venmo? No, you don't have Venmo. No, I don't have them. I'm in pennies. You got to pay me in straight coins. Everybody knows this That's the whole thing. I hate them Oh because I pay me like at least someone in Venmo then somebody else is like, oh look I'm gonna have to go to the coin star here. I don't like what it says like slow-pastry gave this guy five bucks for pizza

It's like fuck you. I don't want you know You don't know a coin Oh, I don't want you know when I make a reverse point. I was just going to say, you don't know what coins are. No, you got a bank, a bank, my man. Or you got to go at least like I go to Nathan's Arcade like an arcade. Yeah. Yeah. Which little Pesci knows about is that Nathan's Arcade still there? It just got turned away.

You know that there's a pizza on that street, too. Oh, no, it was. I used to I know somebody used to work there, but it's gone. It's all gone. It's all gone. That was when Movieland was there as the best. Yeah. Westchester County, everybody's favorite topic. Yeah. So does this cancel out? Sorry, I just bust a piss right there by accident.

Oh, it's crazy. Oh my God, it stinks so much piss. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm a grown man in a puddle of my own piss. Yeah, it's a lot. So who's the embarrassed one? Me. All right, I'll get you the $400 million and one dollars. That's great. I didn't think it was going to turn out that good.

This ended up being a great segment because now you're not going to die. I'm not going to die. I made money basically. How did you make money? Maybe I'll get a pet groomer and see what happens. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, why don't we take a break? When we come back, we're going to have a pet groomer. This is very exciting. Do you have pets slow Joey or what's your name?

Slow Joey? That's a different character. That's a different person from the comedy banking universe. A different character. I had a hit out once on him, but I didn't do it. You didn't do it.

He's cute. He sounds cute. But do you have a pet slow Pesci? Yeah, I got a axolotl. It's illegal. A what? Probably got me eating another crack. Why are you eating so much?

I mentioned we're gonna take a break and then you preemptively get in there. I don't eat much so I don't have money to buy the food. Well, you're about to have $400 million. $400 million. Yeah, but I don't have it yet so fucking relax. I'm having a fucking flavor blasted goldfish. What does flavor blasted mean when it comes to goldfish?

It means that they, instead of putting a little bit of dust on it, they put the normal amount of dust they used to put on it and then now they call it flavor blast so that they think you're getting more. But the truth is, it's the same amount of blast. Stop making a chance. It's the old blast. All right, well, speaking of an old blast, we're gonna get an old blast of messages from our sponsors right now.

You son of a bitch. You can fuck him. I'm the king of segways. This motherfucker over here. When we come back, we're gonna have a peck rumor. We'll also have more from Slow Pesci. More Benichois. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Ben Schwartz. Benichois.

Benichois is here. You can see him on the silver screen, of course. Yes, it's out right, it's still out. It's still out. Sonic the Hedgehog 3, we could use the more, if we make enough money, we have to make another one, which I'd love to do. I mean, isn't that everything though?

You make enough money, they go like, oh, make more of these. Sure. I loved you in Flora and Ulysses. Thank you. I think Bobby Moynihan was in that too. He played a comic book owner. I think I- A comic book owner? Like you owned one comic book store. Comic book store. But I will say that whenhan was in that too. He played a comic book owner. I think I- A comic book owner?

Like you owned one comic book? A comic book store. But I will say that when we were doing that- I'm a professional comic book owner. I own this comic. We found a way to, no, it's not one. We found a way to get the entire DuckTales cast into that movie.

It's very exciting. Incredible, I've never heard of it. What a fun fact. But I would imagine that it's probably a great, great movie. Got taken off Disney+. Can't see it no more. Yeah, I think you have to buy it off of Apple now. Yeah, baby.

Why, that's the way of show business. But you know what, let's not- Check it out with Batgirl this weekend. Let's not talk about show business anymore. Let's talk about the Peck Rooming business. Oh yeah, who is this guy or who is this person? We have a wonderful new guest coming on the show. Please welcome for the first time, Darrell.

Hi, Darrell, Darrell Day. Nice to meet you. Hi, Darrell. Very handsome, all three of you. Thank you so much. Very, very handsome. Oh, cool, Darrell. Darrell, I have a dog.

What type of animal do you groom? I will groom any animal and we will clean them as the day is long. My last name is Day. Oh, Darrell Day. That's what we say. Darrell Day. Was it Doris Day? Doris Day is a person.

Yeah, like that. Same spelling. No relation or no? No relation that I know of, but you don't know in today's world. I might be related. There's so many people in the world now. Mikey Day, of course. Mikey Day, that's another one. Could be related. Charlie Day.

Charlie Day. Definitely related. Oh, you be related. Charlie Day. Definitely related. Oh, you are related to Charlie Day. Christmas Day. Oh yeah, Christmas Day, that's a good one, Slow. That's, I'm not related to Christmas Day. Okay. Unless you're talking about Jesus. Are you Jewish as well?

I am not Jewish. Wow. Okay, so then you're not related to Jesus. Right, because Jesus is Jewish. We're all related to Jesus. We're all, Jesus is all our fathers. We're all related to Jesus. Right, because Jesus is Jewish. We're all related to Jesus. We're all, Jesus is all our fathers. So we're all Jewish, we're all related to Judaism. Well, I'm not Jewish.

Can I ask a question? Yeah. When I bring my dog and they do this anal gland thing where they release the anal glands. Why can't, why? Dogs are very dirty. Dogs are very dirty. What do dogs do before people were paid to do this?

Yeah, well they were. Did they just walk around with anal glands? Yes, they were very dirty and sometimes, if anal glands can just pop and just, they will, if you do not clean them, they will leak. What is inside of them? It's a musk and it's a sign to, especially during heat, it can help get the other dogs hard. So it's easier for them to fuck.

I will clean though. By the way, can you use clinical terms? You're a professional. Is that possible? I'm a groomer and I'm self-taught, but I will guarantee if we take your dog. You taught yourself how to release the anal glands. Yeah. How do you do it?

It's different with it. It's like, uh, It's like a snowflake. It's different for every single dog. And that's true, depending on the type of animal, because you can leak the glands of any animal. It's not just dogs, all animals, including. I have glands, can you milk me, Greg? That's good.

I understand, I understand, but you can't. That's funny to not respond and just say I understand. I understand. But you can't. That's funny to not respond and just say, I understand. I do understand though. Roads. We're going to need roads. That's right. I understand. So our process is a day long process. It's the same price as if you went to, you know, a normal groomer, but we take your animal and it's not just dogs. I understand you have a dog. Tell me another animal. What's your, what's the most common? Birds. You don't do the animal vans of birds. No, no, no, no, no. I'll squeeze that. They don't have a typical gland, but they do. If you, uh, you get up in their little, uh, shitty, shitty,

sir, you are a professional person. Can you please just use, do you want a clean dog or a clean pet or clean bird? I want a clean mouth on you. When you're talking about animals are very dirty. So the more I can describe it, so animals are dirty. That means you should be cursing this entire show. You have to get into those shitty, shitty little corner. It's a little refreshing that he, I feel like he's talking kind of like how I understand it.

Yeah, I want to be able to, you know, whoever comes in with their animal, I want to be able to describe the process that's going to happen. And we will, we will clean them up all day long. I just don't know whether I would trust my animal with a foul mouth gentleman such as yourself. I'm not saying everybody has to bring their pet.

The people who do relate to me in the way I- Would that be a great business if every single person had to use you? That would be a great- Is there a business like that? I guess water power for whatever city. I guess they're all broken up into different companies. I mean, like if there was, I guess the IRS.

Yeah, that's true. That's good. The government. The government. The credit card business. Baseball good. The government, the government, the, um, the credit card, baseball cards, just tops. There's other baseball cards. Name one. I understand. So the game is a little different now. So I understand. Isn't just for quotes that you know, or things like that. That's right. Okay. So it's for anything? Yeah. Okay. Anything that I understand.

Right? Okay, yeah, yeah, I got it. So, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. Yes, I'm sorry. So, Daryl Day. Get back to what I do. So, do you have a dog? I have two dogs.

Do you have any other pets? No, just those two. Kids? I don't know that we need to bring kids into this. I wasn't gonna bring them in. Well, you're the one who said kids. I know. Are you just naming your favorite movies? No,'t gonna bring them in. Well, you're the one who said kids. I know. Are you just naming your favorite movies? No, no, no, no.

I was just trying to get a layout of what your situation was with your family. Okay, I have a situation with my family. I don't know that it needs to come into our relationship. It doesn't have to. Then great, we're agreed. I'd like to know about. Why?

Why do you need to know about it? Because I like to learn about the entire family, the pet owner's family, because it's hard to clean a dog if I don't know what your home life is like. How dirty is this pet? Can I give you a hypothetical then? You go, there's a horse.

Okay. Horse in the family is a family of four. It's a mom and a dad, two kids, they're two daughters, ages six and ten. It's gonna be a dirty,'s a horse. Okay. Horse in the family is a family of four. It's a mom and a dad, two kids, they're two daughters, ages six and then. It's gonna be a dirty, very dirty horse. So I'd start with the big fat dick, and you'd have to. Okay, oh my.

The sheath. Mr. Day, Mr. Day. The BFD, wait, what is he gonna do to it? I wonder what he's gonna do to it. What if they don't have a big fat dick? If it's just like a normal. Have you ever seen a horse without a big fat? Yeah, that's a good point.

If it's a woman, if it's a female horse. I'll get it very, very hard. So much that it's glistening. The dick? Yes. To what end? Well, no, I'm not gross. I'm not gonna do anything to it.

I'm gonna clean it. So I will rub it, scrub it. I will scrub the shit out of it for hours. For hours. So you're jerking this dog, this horse's big dick off. I don't jerk it. What I do is take a wet towel and I wrap it. Okay, this sounds exactly like.

Sir, you are getting hard while talking about this. I'm looking at you. I'm just gonna say, I have never understood a doctor more. Really? Yeah. Are you a doctor? It's a what? I wish you were my doctor in a way.

No, I've had a lot of people ask and I don't cross that line into humans. I wish you would, because you got a good bedside, man. You make things real easy to understand. I get it. I'm getting it too. Listen, I will wrap and tie. We heard with a towel. A

washcloth. I run it. This is a wet washcloth. Yeah. You know, like glistening dick you take for hours and you put a washcloth around it. But do you know how like when you take a washcloth. Like when you choke a horse's dick with a towel, we get it. You understand. Yeah, no, I get it. When you choke a horse's dick with a towel, with a terry cloth towel. But if you, if you move it back and forth. Okay. Stop miming what you're doing to this. The penis. Sir, you're so hard, your buttons are popping on your pants.

Audibly. Audibly. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. When do you clean the horse? That's the first step. How many hours is the first step?

That's the dirtiest part. And then you get into its shitty butthole. And a horse, I don't know if you're, if you're you get into its shitty butthole and a horse I don't know if you're if you're familiar. I mean a massive butthole. Yeah massive I'm not I know I don't know about that. You have to get inside that thing. What are we talking? We're talking at least well depends before The actual anus is pretty now you sayus, you said big glistening dick, dirty, dirty fucking asshole.

And now you're being clinical about your language. I switched it up. If you're more comfortable, that big goddamn shitter. See, I don't know why you need to add goddamn to it. I mean, now you're just taking the Lord's name in vain. To emphasize that it's a big one. Okay, not necessary, I don't think. You have to get up.

Say like big honkin' or you don't have to say goddamn. Sometimes there's a lot of leftover dirty shit up there and you have to get that. So how long do you concentrate on the, so right now it's three hours on the dick, how much on the ass? Well, it's three hours on the dick at least. Sometimes it doesn't, like get,

I have to wait for it to soften before I can go back to the big, that big fat asshole in the back. Okay. So now you're cleaning the asshole. I'm cleaning the asshole with, uh, with my hands. I'm just pummeling that thing, just hitting it as hard as I can. So you're punching a horse's asshole? I'm punching up into it. Okay, that doesn't make it better.

Like uppercuts? It doesn't. Are we talking haymakers or uppercuts? So you're basically like Jake Paul against Mike Tyson with this horse's ass. But all uppercuts? All uppercuts. Do you understand?

Yeah, that was actually my first improv team was called all uppercuts. Oh you understand? Yeah. That was actually my first hit for off-team was gold all the uppercuts. Oh, really? Yeah. No, I understand. Okay. So that, depending on how long it takes to loosen up that shitty hole, because you have to be able to get in there and clean it out.

And you have to go pretty deep, pretty deep. Okay. So now you spent hours on the dick and the asshole. So the dick and the asshole are your biggest problem. Personally, if I have a horse, I don't know that I have this kind of time to leave it with you. I agree. They have dirty little shitty eyes too.

And you have to get in there and. Shitty eye. What does that even mean? Shitty eyes. Cause they get mosquitoes and bug bites all over their eyes and you gotta clean that. Like a windshield? Mosquito bug bites and their eyes? I've never heard that before.

So what do you take a squeegee and. No, no, no, just use my thumbs and I will go in there. You've just been inside the animal's asshole. It's going to get conjunctivitis. And I do not wash anything along the way on myself. That's your promise? That is a promise. So I get in that shitty little corner of the eye and I rub all that shit around.

Okay. You're just making it worse for them. Yeah. I think that would give them pink eye, no? It will give them pink eye, but it's purposeful. Purposeful how? Because a pink eye will raise the probability that the horse's immune system will strengthen.

That little shit will be able to be. Okay, I gotta say, Darrell, I don't know that I would trust you with any of my animals. Well, I never had a pet pass away. That, yeah, that's like the baseline. If you've ever had a pet pass away, then I would- Oh, three times, try it.

If you've ever had a pet pass away, I would have meant- One. Do it three times. Do it three times. If you've ever had a pet- See? Start over. Do it. If you've ever had a pet pass away. One. If you've ever had a pet pass away. Two. If you've ever had a pet. See? Start over. Do it.

If you've ever had a pet pass away. One. If you've ever had a pet pass away. Two. If you've ever had a pet pass away. Finish. Then I would imagine that your business would be closed down.

I've had a few deaths. That's passed away. Then yes. But not of the animals? No. So they have died? Only one, it's all horses. What's all horses?

Horses have passed away. Most of the, all the horses have not made it. They fucking, what are you talking about? The horses don't make it through the process. What percentage of the horses don't make it? 100? I've over the year and we've been around, this is our 10th year.

I'm surprised that you've been in business for 10 years. Well, I haven't been making money, but I've been, my first horse was in 2015. And since then, I've done about 25 to 30 horses. How many horses have died? Somewhere between 25 and 30 horses have. So all the horses have died? All the horses have died.

Have all the animals died? I don't know. All dogs gone to heaven? No. So all the horses died? All the horses have died. Have all the animals died? I don't know. All dogs gone to heaven? No, not all the animals died. Do you understand that? Yeah. Is that the Disney movie? Yeah.

So you do understand? I understand. It's not true though. I found out a lot of dogs go to fucking hell. Is that true? Do they really? How did you find this out? Do you kill dogs?

I've killed a bunch of dogs. I know people don't like that, but I'm here to say it on up into a microphone on a podcast. I have killed dogs John wick based on you. Are you the person that killed John wicks dog? It was originally called slow peshy Instead of John way people were like that's weird That sounds like the act is but and I went down my mass my whole fucking life And then they're like what if we called it John wick and we hired an attractive man instead of a five foot tall abomination? So wait, you were originally playing John Wick who killed his own dog?

Yep. They changed the whole thing. They said it was too depressing and weird. I think so too. I'm not, that's why I'm not upset about it. I wouldn't be upset about it. Also, I love Keanu. I hope he's gonna kill it.

Love Keanu. He's gonna kill it. Shadow, I know. Who's he playing? He plays Shadow, do you understand? Like, yeah, I understand. I understand. So you've killed-

So I have killed no dogs. I have killed- Snow dogs or no dogs? I've killed snow dogs. Okay. So wait, you have killed dogs, you've killed snow dogs? Just snow dogs. I have most dogs, and I don't know that it's me that did it.

I just know that they never make it home. But it's you. Who else killed snow dogs? Is that Cooper Gooding Jr.? Oh wow, do you understand? He killed all the snow dogs at the end of that movie? I definitely understand that. No, he just killed in that movie.

He killed, he did kill. He's the greatest, he'll never do anything weird or wrong. Nope. You can, I do have a gentler cleansing and that's usually where the dogs are fine and that's when I am very gentle. Tell us what you do with the dick and ass in that. I don't do the dick and the ass at first.

I start with, I start with the teeth, I give those shitty little teeth, I get in there. You're being very, it's almost as if you're being rude about people's animals, like the shitty little teeth, you know? That's a judgment on your part. Well, they're coming to me to clean the animal, right? Okay. And to clip the- So I guess it is a tacit agreement

that the animal is dirty, is that what you're saying? Right. I mean, why else would they bring the little shitty thing to me? Okay, now you're- And they, the nails, those fucking, uh, uh, dumb, dumb nails that they, they say like, clip the nails. I wouldn't come to you. Sorry. I have a dog. I wouldn't come to you. You wouldn't cut. You can honestly look me straight in the eye. Yes. Okay. Look, Ben, go ahead.

Look, Darrell day. And I'll write it off for my services. Hi. Hi, Darrell. How are you? I have a dog right here and I want him cleaned. All right, I'd love to take care of that for you. Now the reason why I'm not gonna do it is because you uppercut the dog's asshole, you take my dog's penis, you take a moist towelette or a rag and you jerk the dog.

No. You take the shit from the asshole, you put it into the dog's eyes. You take the dirty, dirty feet, you take those, you take the dirty dirty feet you take those you take the dirty dirty nose So there's no reason dirty shitty dirty shitty nose I don't see any reason why I should ever go to you because my dog will be worse Well, your dog will then continue to have a shitty shitty little asshole a shitty dumb nose and Stupid shitty eyes with all the shit all all the shit around. This is working.

Do you think you could take care of that? I would love to take care of it. We can't. Is it a male dog? It's a female dog. So it doesn't have a dick. You can't jerk it off. Are you interested? Yeah, I can. I can take care. What would you do with a female dog?

I just I use the same cloth. I wrap it I use, uh, the same, uh, cloth. I wrap it around that stupid little pussy. Oh Jesus. The whole vagina. Well, I wrap it up in a cloth and then I just rub it. Ben, I'm begging you. Don't leave your dog with this guy.

I don't want to, but you're saying you could get it cleaner than anybody else? I guarantee when that shitty, shitty little. What's your guarantee? If you, if it's not clean by the end of the day, the Darrell day, then you can. What is the, okay. How long is the Darrell day? Darrell day is a month.

No. So you need a month to clean my dog. Yeah, but it stays with you at night and then you drop it off every morning and I just continue to work on that little. So you basically. Dumb little pussy. You basically, you basically fondle my dog for a full month.

No, I don't fondle it. There's nothing sexual about it. There's nothing hard to understand about this. It's a Daryl Day. It's a Daryl Day. A Daryl Day is a month. Daryl Day. I understand.

$60. I understand. $60. Plus tip. How much are you expected to tip on this? People usually tip at like 20%. Every once in a while somebody will be like, I'm not tipping, what happened to my?

So 72 dollars. 72 dollars all in. For a month of you taking my dog and abusing my dog. Every day, and I'm not abusing. A Darrell day. That's offensive, I really don't abuse animals ever. I clean them. How much, if I begged you,

I want you to take it for 1 one 30th of a Darrell day and just get my dog in and out there, just clean my dog. You're not allowed to touch my dog's ass. We have a program. Or her vagina. We have a program. Oh wait, I'm not allowed to what?

Touch her. Not touch my dog's asshole or vagina. So why bring it in? It's gonna be dirty. Darrell. You gotta get in the mouth. You clean it out. You clean that shitty little mouth out. Oh God. With fingers. You gotta get in the mouth, you clean it out, you clean that shitty little mouth out with your fingers.

Daryl, I'm gonna stop you here. Can I make an observation? Yeah. It seems to me, and this is just from an impartial observer, I have no stake in this, I'm not gonna leave my dog with you at all. It seems to me you got into this business in order to touch animals' private parts and genitalia.

That's what it sounds like to me too, Scott. Which is disgusting. It seems like you're not interested in the job unless that's a major part of it. It's not true. I'm gonna bring my dog in. Can you please cut my dog's hair? I just wanna go on record by saying,

I hear almost the exact opposite. Okay, so you're here. What do you hear? I hear a man. What's the love question? What do you hear? I hear a man. What's the question? What do you hear? I hear a pet groomer talking about the job that he loves doing.

Okay. Thank you, Sloan. Let me give you a hypothetical. Okay. Let's do the same role play that Ben has done. Okay. That's a fake. Look him in the eyes.

Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi. Hi, welcome into my shop. What's your shop called? Do you want something to drink? Sorry, this is my husband, Ben. Sorry. Hi, can I get you want something to drink? Sorry, this is my husband, Ben. Sorry. Hi. Can I get you both something to drink?

Yeah. Champagne? Yeah. Okay. I don't care. Do you, do you have the finest of champagnes? Yeah. Scott, get to the thing.

How much would you like? We're getting some free incredible champagnes. Okay, sorry. Do you have any caviar as well? Uh, we don't have caviar, but- You're getting distracted. You had an idea, remember? I had- Flavor blessing. We're getting to it. He's got caviar and champagne? We don't have caviar, but- You're getting distracted. You had an idea, remember? I had-

Flavor Blessing. We're getting to it. He's got caviar and champagne here for us, Ben. God. And do you want some as well? No, I would just like to get to what Scott wants to talk to you about. Okay, I'm just gonna have my champagne and caviar.

Jesus, Scott, you're drinking the whole bottle. Excuse me, I'm a homeless guy from the street. I need to bust a pace. You should be calling yourself unhoused, sir. My apologies. I don't mind. I don't mind at all. Welcome in.

My kind of guy, my kind of people aren't really up on the toys. You can deal with this gentleman. Sorry, I thought I was just entering the scene. I apologize. You can deal with this gentleman while I keep him. Do you have to use the restroom? I gotta bust a pace. All right, you while I do my thing. Do you have to use the restroom?

I gotta bust a piss. All right, feel free. Same thing. Thank you very much. Scott, just ask her what you want. Her. Do you say ask her? Ask him.

We don't know your pronoun, sir. Oh, that's true. Or ma'am, or, so could you tell us those and we'll be able to address you the way that you wanna be addressed? I'm a he-him. Great. Okay. Can you please? Scott what do you want to talk? What made you think I was a woman? I didn't say her. What are you talking about? You did say her. I said Ben her. I just watched the movie Ben her. Oh that makes sense We watch favorite part. Well her the Spike Jonze movies. I talked about that. Yeah, we do understand

Well, we when we say you watch Ben her your name is Ben and you were watching. Thank you Yes, excuse me Do you understand? Well, when we say you watched Ben Hur, your name is Ben and you are watching her. Thank you. Excuse me, I don't mean to further confuse the situation, but there's no toilet paper and a human head in the toilet. Wait a second, what's happening in the bathroom? No, it's a fake. It's a fake. Oh, it's a fake, that's fine. It's a fake, it's left over from Halloween.

Do you have any more of the finest champagne? Holy shit, here you go. Scott, what do you want? Ask, or slow down, you can ask. It's unlimited, unlimited. It's unlimited? Okay, we have a doglimited. It's unlimited? Okay, we have a dog here.

What's his name? Why do you think it's his? You haven't asked my dog's pronouns yet. Cause he's got a beautiful little hard putt. Well, how would you see that? Because right now it's behind a chastity belt, a locked chastity belt. Ooh, very smart, Scott.

The only key that exists is in my possession around my neck. This is good. All right, go, Scott, go. I would like you to clean this dog while I sip upon the finest of champagnes. Vintage years. You got it. And you just clean the fur around the chastity belt.

The pubic area. The pubic area is locked off. It's locked off of the chastity belt. Inaccessible to you, sir. Try to touch it right now, see what happens. I can get one finger if I push the skin in. Get your finger off. I can go around the belt and feel some stuff. No.

Yeah, but you can't get to the pud. I can't get to the pud, and that's frustrating. Why? Do you want a business, sir? I want to get to the pud. Answer Scott's question. Look him in the eyes. I will absolutely clean your dog for you.

Just take the belt off. We're not taking the belt off. No. You want to leave with this dog unclean. I don't want to leave. I want to watch you do it while I sip upon the finest of champagnes. And also the dog will be clean.

Just that area doesn't need to be clean. We checked it beforehand. It's fine. What about its shitty little asshole? Scott checked it before. It's fine What about it's shitty little asshole? Scott checked it before it's fine. We've done all of that. We go to a separate doctor for that I will have to look at it. You don't so you're not interested in our business then I will have I Read the read the poster on the wall. Those are the wall says tiny writing It says get in when we get in that shitty little asshole,

it makes you remember that there is a God. So give me that sweet shitty dick and that sweet asshole and I'll clean the rest of your dog. Wait, and that's attributed to Abraham Lincoln? He didn't say that. There's a picture of Abraham Lincoln? It's not that Abraham Lincoln. Okay, look, sir.

It's not that Abraham. I'm afraid that we're not gonna be able to leave our dog. Just say yes or no. You're not allowed to touch the dog's ass or piece. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. You will do it. But I can, I get one phone call before I do it.

You wanna phone a friend? I wanna phone a locksmith. Okay, see now our hypothetical is over right now. Okay. And Darrell. That was good though, that was good hypothetical. It seems to me. That's a hard situation.

It seems to me as if you are totally uninterested in this job other than the feeling these animals' genitalia. Have you ever done it? No. Of course not. Neither one of us have done what you're saying. You fucked a freak. Not even to a bird. I just wanna say, Andre, I would give you

my axolotl right now. Wow. I would give it to you right now in a heart. You know You just sound passionate Say it again. You know what he's gonna do with it. It sticks a couple fingers in it's coming back clean Why don't you look him in the eyes go give him? Let's see if you can. I would give you. Hi welcome to the shop Hello, how you doing today? My name's slow. I'm fine. Excuse me if I'm a little slow. You're not though You're never slow. You talk so fast

That was the fastest you've talked today Slow it in. You're not though, you're never slow. You talk so fast. I disagree. That was the fastest you've talked today. I don't know what you're talking about. All right, go, keep going. You're speed talking. I don't know what you're talking about. What can I help you with today? I got this little axolotl over here, a very real animal. And I was wondering if you could clean the shit

out of its balls and ass. Absolutely. See, you're not so crazy. It's $60, you and ass. Absolutely. See, I'm excited. It's 60 dollars. You'll drop him. Oh, I wasn't lying. It's a real animal. I bet you I could clean the hell out. Does it have a shitty little piss hole?

I got to tell you the truth. I feed it and then I walk away. I never seen. I don't know what happens after that. I feed it. I smile and go, you OK, pal? And it doesn't talk. So I just walk away. So I don't know where it is. To be honest, I'm guessing towards the back, I go, you okay pal? And it doesn't talk, so I just walk away. So I don't know where his asshole is, to be honest. I'm guessing towards the back.

I can find it. I'll wear gloves and it'll be fine. Thank you. And seven o'clock tomorrow morning, we'll start. That's not gonna happen. Why do you need till tomorrow morning, Darrell? I gotta prepare. Prepare?

Just like get a wound up for it. Like mentally. Like mentally. Okay, I thought maybe you need to get some supplies or something, all wound up for it. Okay. I thought maybe you need to get some supplies or something. You just mentally need to. From now until tomorrow morning at seven, what are you going to do? Just get it. Just get prepared.

Get happy about it. Tell me how. I'll go watch a bunch of videos about like animals. And like, like there's a bunch of animal videos. Like America's Funniest Home Videos or something? Some of those, but also just watch Safari videos. Safari videos? Watch animals that are cleaning each other or shitty.

Okay, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. Like close-ups of animals, assholes. Daryl. That's animal porn. No, it's all of them shitting and stuff like that. Shitty little corners, dumb little shitty mouths. Darrell, if people aren't trusting their animals to you, they want fast service.

They don't want you to wait to psych yourself up to do this kind of stuff. Well, you gotta sacrifice fast service. You can either have it fast, good, or quickly, but you can't have all three. Fast and quickly are the same thing. Look, Darrell, Darrell, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show

and that is of course a little something called. Would you rather. Plugs, no it's plugs. Dear Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Beanbag, why don't you have an official bird? Whoa, whoa, from this moment I decree that your official bird is the American coot. You're welcome. That was why you have no bird. You got very excited when you heard that.

I do like that song. Yeah, the buttons on your button fly jeans started popping off again. These are Velcroed on, so they will fall off sometime, Scott. Why did you Velcro buttons onto your cheeks? Because they come off so often. Okay, well that was by John Rogers. Thanks to John Rogers for that. And guys, what do we plug in?

Ben, obviously Sonic 3 is still on theaters. Sonic 3 is in theaters right now, but also go to rejectedjokes.com backslash tour. Ben Schwartz and Friends is touring all through 2025. You're gonna absolutely love it. We're doing we're doing a whole bunch of cities and more that are being announced. And we'll tour probably once a month throughout. But look in your city.

Look at the website. Your city should be there. It should be really, really fun. All right. Yeah. Long form. Projected jokes.com. All right. Slow Pesci. What do you want to plug? I go to good fellows. My brothers in it.

Yeah, good fellows. That's a good one to plug thanks you guys to the who me podcast I see a cbb world I That's right. Now this is an NCIS set during the years where people had flip phones. Prequels, maybe. Prequel. It's a lot of, yeah, it's a lot of- DNA didn't work yet? A lot of explaining that the things that take very short time now are gonna take longer. Okay.

But still there was a lot of naval crime back then. Oh yeah, same amount of naval crime. It just took longer to do. It makes me wonder when I watch these NCIS shows, like are sailors just a naturally like criminal lot? You know what I mean? They're always doing naval crimes. There's always some kind of crime.

What are you gonna do on a boat? Yeah, that's a good point. I guess murder's a crime. Yeah, they're crimes. That makes sense. Yeah. And Darrell, what do you wanna play? I wasn't finished.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You are slower than- Please go to Darrell's business. you wanna plug? I wasn't finished. Oh, I'm so sorry. You are slower than- Please go to Darrell's business. I am a big supporter. Oh, wow. I don't know about this. Thank you. Get your dog cleaned.

Darrell, what do you wanna plug? I'm just gonna give you my favorite Instagram handle to follow at RyGaUL on Instagram, Scott. On Instagram? Yeah. And- Are you on TikTok also? I am on TikTok, but I don't know what that is. Right. I don't know what my handle is. Okay. I mean, somebody's handle.

And I've looked up your website for your business. Apparently your phone number, if people wanna book any- Yep. Any dogs with you is 310-980-4053. Is that right? That's right. Okay, great. Call anytime. And you can text for an appointment. All right, great, fantastic. I wanna plug, you know, we were talking about

the Who Me show over there on CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. We have, of course, This Book Changed My Life, and Hey Randy, and so many great shows. We have Scott Hasn't Seen. We just had the Scott Hasn't Seenies Awards, which we just did, and Santa Claus came over and watched The Postman with us.

So many great things over there. We have College Town. We have The Neighborhood Listen. We have ad-free episodes at this show. We have the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. If you wanna go back and listen to the previous almost 900 episodes. You can listen to every,

oh, you can tell us when this started. That's right. You can, yeah, please let us know when this tradition started here. All of that is over there on CBB World. You can get all of that. So thanks for being subscribers for these many years. And now normally we would close up the plug bag.

We would play a remix, but as is tradition, every year we have a new theme. Ben Schwartz creates a new theme to close the plug bag. Now, Ben, one thing I wanted to mention is, it seems to me for the past 10 years, we have made a mistake where we have, this is meant to be a closing up the plug bag theme. I don't know what you, What do you mean? I think this happened maybe the very first time we did it we accidentally thought it was an opening the plug

bag theme but it's meant to be a closing. It's closed I get it. It's closing so yeah so you know the premise. So the whole idea is we're closing the plug bag. We're closing up the plug bag. So it's as if someone just plugged stuff and now this is the end. That's right. And the end is happening. This is when we close the plug bed. And we're gonna improvise a theme here. I'm gonna join in and slow peshy and even Darrell Day, if you wanna join in on this. I'd love to. Okay, great. All right, so Ben, let us know when you're ready. We are now going to improvise a theme

for closing the plug bed. Just so I know, 100%. We don't even have to say the word open because we're closing. Exactly, in fact, I would prefer that you never even mention the plug bag. Just so I know, 100%, we don't even have to say the word open because we're closing. Exactly, in fact, I would prefer that you never even mention the word open. Okay, he's taking the last sip of water. Okay. Here we go.

Here we go, this is the closing the plug bag. Closing the plug bag thing, thank you. And you're gonna use this for the whole year. For the whole year, yes. All right, so let's not fuck it up. Okay. All right, ready? Yep. Closing the plug bag, right?

Close, close, close. I almost heard myself say open, but I don't want it to be closing. Yeah, exactly. Okay, all right, ready? Yep. Closing the plug bag, right? Close, close, close. I almost heard myself say open, but I don't want it to be closing. Yeah, exactly. Okay, all right. We all have bags and they need some closing. We need these bags

because we're nosing that in these bags are lots of plugs. So just grab the piece of thread and tie it up real tight and then loosen up that knot because you know you got it right it's Open up the plug bag, 2025. I'm talking, open up the plug bag, and then you are alive. You've got to open it up and make your dreams come true. And open it up and let yourself be your truth.

You've got to open up and see all the plus because it's not time to close it up just yet. It's not time to close it up just yet. I said it's not time to close it up just yet. Pfft. Open the blog back with me, dude. Open the blog back with me dude Open the vlog back with me dude Just please don't close it and be rude

Please don't close it and be rude You gotta Opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa,

opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, opa, Well, that one rhymed more than the other ones. It definitely is the most rhyming we've ever done. I want to compliment you on that. So let's talk about the good stuff. It's like the most, like almost song. Yeah, I think that was almost a song. It was pretty on key the entire time. Yeah. It rhymed a lot. You had a great deal of commitment.

It started off really, really good in talking about closing out the book. I feel like I was trying to close it. Did I not? I will say that maybe a third of the way through, it kind of did a pivot. Would you say it's a banger regardless? Oh, it's a banger. It's a definite banger.

People are gonna have so much fun remixing this. Okay, okay, okay. If you wanna remix it, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. All of the stems will be there. You can remix it to your heart's content. We want those remixes starting to come in. All of the stems will be there. You can remix it to your heart's content. We want those remixes starting to come in. All of the stems? All of the stems.

And, you know, do whatever you want with it as long as it's under a minute. And honestly, try to make it under 30 seconds. But I know that Ben sang way longer than that, but, you know, try to condense it. Get it longer. If you can do longer, that'd be even better. Sure.

Yeah, 10 minute condense it. Get it longer. If you can do longer, that'd be even better. Sure. Yeah, well, 10 minute long plugs themes. If someone could do a 10 minute long version of this, that would be great. That would be amazing. Yeah. Ben, I wanna thank you for what you did right there. Scott, it's an honor. Thank you for plugging Sonic the Hedgehog 3

with all your class and my tour bench warts and friends. It's very classy. That's right. From what I'm told, you're gonna be out there one weekend a month. One weekend a month, a different city. Two different cities. This is a lot like being in the Army Reserves. Very similar. NCIS, Army Reserves. I don't know if that's correct. I don't know that that's exactly what it stands for. It's very close. I think you said that's up to the A. I mean yeah, an A would

probably have to be in there if it were and maybe the R as well. But Ben, always great to have you. A pleasure my friend. I'll talk to you on. Always great to have you on. Yeah, I mean, you know, you're gonna stay here until I say goodbye to these people. No, I'm gonna head out, guys. I'll see you next year for this one. No, I really want you to see me. I'm gonna kill him before he heads out, though.

Wait, I thought you were gonna kill Scott. No, I'm gonna kill you. No, that was part of me paying him the $400 million and one dollars is that he would kill you instead. I thought it was just a knot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah. Hey, can you clean this guy's asshole?

Mm-hmm. Fine. I mean, I can. I'm not gonna lie, you couldn't handle my asshole. Nobody can clean this fuckin' thing. All right, slow passion, so great to see you and Daryl Day. Hey, it was really great to be here. That's so nice, thank you so much.

I understand. I mean, even though I discourage people from going to your business. Well, everybody comes around, though. Everybody comes around. Just when I come around. Do do do. I understand. Good. OK, great. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.