Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2012 Pt 2

Episode Date: December 31, 2012

Wait no longer as the conclusion of the Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2012 is here! We’re counting down the top five episodes as chosen by the listeners and of course more special b-b-b-bonus clips. Join Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins to see which episodes went head to head for the number one spot and we’ll see you in 2013!

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by the hit IFC series Portlandia, returning Friday nights on January 4th, 2013. Two back-to-back all-new episodes will launch season three with hilarious guest stars like Patton Oswalt and Jim Gaffigan. That is Fred Armisen and Kerry Brownstein's hilarious IFC show. Make sure to tune in and visit IFC.com for more information. We are counting down the top five episodes of Comedy Bang Bang of the year from five to one here on today's special Best of 2012 episode part two. All of that and more all on today's! Happy New Year! Just kidding. Hey, welcome to the show. You got them! I don't like that. What a piece of work is mad. Welcome to the show. This is Comedy Bang Bang for another week and

this is a very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. I am your host Scott Ackerman and this is very special because this is part two of our Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2012 specials. Wow, we have One Dune, right? One Dune as Frank Herbert. As Frank Herbert hoped to see before his death of sand poisoning. That's right. They used to sandboard him because he was a terrorist. He wouldn't give up his secrets about this world he created. They'd say, where is Dune? Lead us to it. Sorry, made it up. Poor Sand down his mouth. Andy died. Oh well. He was ahead of coming. Let me introduce who you're listening to, by the way. This is professional comedian Paul F. Topkins. That's right. I get paid for it. My co-host for the entire program. Hello. Perhaps you heard our part one.

I bet you did. I hope you did. If you didn't and you are listening to this, I mean sure, this can be the first episode you listen to. Absolutely. No problem, but I would say go back and listen to part one. And you know what? I would say if they started with the Best of part two, they're kind of a little bit savvy because they're saying, hey, I want to hear the best. I don't want to hear the 10 through 6. Why don't I cut to the very best and why don't I fast forward to, you know, like number one, 10 minutes left so I don't have to wade through. They're like, hey, let's cut to the chase here. Hey, hey, hey, cha-cha, cha-cha, hey, hey, what's your favorite dance, cha-cha? How many years do you think it's been since anyone has imitated Dennis Miller?

A decade? I know that at the office it's been probably one day. Really? For me. So anyway, Paul, let me just explain briefly if this is someone's first episode, what they're listening to here. Oh, for them? I thought you were going to explain it to me. I can explain it to you. Do you not know what's happening? Scott, explain it to me like I have no idea what's going on. Paul, I don't think you have any idea what's going on, do you? I don't. Okay, let me explain. Comedy Bang Bang is a podcast and it is a great podcast and maybe you've heard about it and maybe you heard, hey, it's really great but you don't know how quite to get into it because you look at our vast archive. Or you're skeptical and you say, you know what,

I'm not going to listen to your vast archive, I'm going to listen to this best of and then I'll make my own decision. That's right. So that's why we put these out at the end of the year, to highlight the best moments from the show and these are all voted on by the listeners. These are people that have done the work for you of listening to the show and it is an arduous, tedious task. That's right, I do not recommend it. I don't know why any of you are. If there was a separate subscription feed for just the best of episodes, so that twice a year, you know what, that's the problem is most people just want the best of episodes and they subscribe and then they have to listen to all those other ones and then they end up voting on them. But yeah, everyone

votes on their 10 favorite episodes of the year. We take the top 10 of those votes and we play them back to you. We've already heard 10 through six, including some bonus. And we're going to have, in this episode, we're going to break it down from five to one, including a couple of bonus clips and I know. I think right now people are saying that's impossible. To do what I just said? To do what you just said. It's not. In fact, it's so possible, we're going to prove. We're doing it not because it is easy, it is easy, but because it is hard. That's right. Before this decade is through, we will count down from five to one. The decade of 2002 through 2012 is correct. I guess I should have said 2003 to 2012, shouldn't I?

Who cares? You know what? It's not as much fun. Don't write me any letters. Don't ever. Ever. Print is dead, so stop printing and stop cursiving. But you can get me on a loophole. Oh, I thought I could. The kind you'd see in cursive. So let's get to it. What do you say? Let's start. I'm not stopping it, Scott. No, I'm trying to say enough with the bullshit. Let's get to it. Yes, I know. I understand, but I'm not the impediment here. It's the listener. It's not that I'm saying you're in the impediment, but I wish you'd stop impeding this. Have you ever wanted to hear a podcast of two people who are really mad at each other and put you on brave faces? You know what? Now I do. I would like to listen to a strain.

Mad at you, cast. Not mad about you. No, mad at you. Mad at you. And it stars Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt. Oh, and she's naked like she is in the sessions. That's right. Oh, that would be my favorite part. Did she get naked in the sessions? Oh, yeah, all the time. Every scene. What? Yeah, she's naked in every single scene, including the guy's funeral at the end. Spoiler. That seems improper. Improper? Who are you all of a sudden? I was trying to say improper and inappropriate at the same time. Impropriate. Let's get on it, Wikipedia, dictionary.com. Come on, Wiktionary. So this comes to us. This episode is coming to us at number five. Number five. That's right. Number five. That's right. That's right. Number five.

Singers. Stop singing number five. This is episode number five, and this is episode 167, an episode entitled New No-Nos. Are you ready for it, Paul? Yeah, I am. This one, Jesus Christ. This one really killed me. Yes. This is another episode with Marissa Wampler. We talked about her on the previous best of episode last week. Marissa Wampler is our CBB intern who gets on Mike. This is the second appearance in the top ten for her. People love her. A comedian named Gerard Carmichael also is in this. A great comedian, young guy. It was very funny on this episode. But I want to highlight the section of the show where, upon our old friend, Paul Rust comes in. Good ol' Rusty. Good ol' Rusty. What is stronger than iron? Rust, I say. Oh, that's like a riddle

from the Hobbit or something. That's right. In theaters now. 48, I say. 48 theaters? 48. I only see it in 48 theaters at 48 frames and in the Continental 48. The contiguous United State School. So this is a section where Paul Rust comes into the show, and he's a comedian in his own right, and he has a feature called New No-Nose, the titular New No-Nose, and this is one of, in my opinion, one of the funniest things I've ever heard on the show. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that it was happening, and I couldn't believe how much it was making me laugh. So enjoy that. This is number five. Number five. All right. Well, I want to get to my next guest here. He's a friend of the show. He's been sitting patiently here.

First of all, I want to say his name. Paul Rust, you've been on the show several times. Got it. Good to be back. Thank you. And Paul, you're a comedian here in LA. Stand up. Stand up and when I, and maybe Gerard, you're probably influenced by his work a little bit. Yeah. I have always said to me, I've been following your career very closely. I know what you're going to say. I remember the first time you came up to me after you saw my first set. I said, you seem like a young Bill Maher. Young Bill Maher. You said, I forget, I might not be getting the exact words right, but it was something like you put everything and anything in your crosshairs, and you don't hold back. I like to look at comedians and see what

they're putting in their crosshairs, and it seemed to me like you were putting everything in there. Well, and specifically mores, would you say? I think that was a big part of what I loved about you, is you were just taking a lot of mores. A lot of social mores, and just shoving them right in my crosshairs, and taking them down one by one. Dealing with mores for the first time since Dean Martindale with them. Yes. That's a more. I thought we were talking about more eels. You took that trip down to the aquatic center. Yes, yes. Yeah, the aquarium. Yeah, I love. That field trip. Beluga whales. Anyway, move on. Yeah, I'm peeved off, Scott. I'm always P.O. Tickshaw. You're cheesed. I'm cheesed. I'm a myth. What are you mythed about

right now? What's cheesing you off right now? Well, that's a good question, because it brings me to, you know, my probably my most popular segment, new no-nos. Good afternoon. That's a no. Yeah, new no-nos. All right, new no-no. If you have a baby and it starts crying on the plane, then we have full permission to make that baby fly the plane, right? Yeah. Yeah, you don't like the flight. You're crying so much. Okay, congrats. You're the new pilot, baby. Yeah. Wouldn't we like that? Yeah. No, no, no. No, no, no. If you have a next door neighbor and he gets to feeling like having a little weed whacking session in the morning, then we should have full permission to pay you to do it. Yeah. If you like it so much, I'll pay you, buddy. Every morning. I'll go over

to your front yard and how much do you think a weed whacker costs, Scott? A new weed whacker? A couple hundred dollars. Okay, I'll give him two hundred dollars. You could buy a new weed whacker. You like it so much? How does that help your problem? New no-no. I'm scared. I thought weed whacker was in your window for something. Me too. I've had a few of those sessions in the morning myself. Oh, God. Hey, how many of you guys have been to a coffee shop before and you got to wait 30 minutes, huh, to get your coffee? Yeah, that happens. Not often, no. Those long lines. Okay, new no-no. If I have to wait 30 minutes for my coffee, then I should be allowed to take 30 minutes to drink it. You can. You can take as long as you want. I've been in there for

hours. Tip or tat, people. Sorry, Starbucks. 30 minutes waiting. 30 minutes drinking. They don't care. You can stay there as long as you want. Bring your laptop. These are the no-nos. Okay. You know, this stuff pisses me off, but it pisses us all off. Yeah. I get people coming up to me all the time saying, thank you, man. New no-no. Wait, that was one? New no-no. You guys ever been in the movies before and you got that guy in front of you text in the whole time? New no-no. I should be able to draw a picture of you. When I go home, I should be able to sit down and just draw a little illustration of you text. You can. You can do that. New rule, new no-no. Wait, is this a new rule or a new no-no?

New no-no. Oh, God. Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake, okay, people. So all you health nuts who eat pounds of cornbread every day because some nutritionalist told you it was, it was healthy. It was a vegetable. Yeah. Well, sorry. You better be putting the candles in and start singing happy birthday because it's a cake. New no-no. Cornbread's cake. All right. I like that too. You guys ready for that last new no-no? Let's do the last new no-no. New no-no. Goldilocks in the three bears. Not an appropriate bedtime story, right? Right. Scary. Too scary. New no-no. That was it. That was really dramatic at the end. No consequence. No elucidation upon why. What happened to good night mood? Now I'm done. New no-no.

New no-no. Wow. All right. New no-no. He really took us on a ride there. Unpeaved. Unpeaved, guys. He's so cheese-dough. He's so cheese-dough. He's so cheese-dough. Miffed. How do you come up with your no-nos? Well, I'll go out into the world and, you know, I just let, I let the gripes come, you know. What a great way to live. Are you actually angry at any of these things? No. I like to think what I think makes people angry, and then I like to think of what the solutions they'd most like. Right. You're a pretty easygoing guy. Yes. Yes. Yeah, nothing really ever gets you angry in your personal life. Except for texting during movies. Oh, I heard that one. New no-no. No, no, no, no. That's an old no-no. That's an old no-no. No, no, no, no. What was your situation growing up? Well,

families, you know, that's the new terrain for me. That's the, you know, I do a lot of things of... You're delving into that. Are you doing family counseling? Mainly for the benefit of my new no-nos. Yeah. New no-no. Okay. If you're my dad, then I should be able to make you my son. Makes no sense. If you call me son, then I should be able to adopt you and call you son. Okay. Good. Raise you. Sure. Support you. Sure. Feed and clothe you. New no-no. Dad's the son now. Okay. Good. I like it. Do you hear the truth in his voice? Oh, my God. I'm afraid. I'm afraid right now. I'm like, I have closed off body language. I'm about to curl up. I'm just worried people are going to take up my crazy ideas and actually implement them. Yeah. Yeah. Are you afraid of

that or is that the thing you want most? It wouldn't be good for society. Yeah. I mean, you think this loon should be running things? No. I mean, I just stand off to the side and make jokes. I mean, I thought about public office, but yeah, my maniacs would vote for me. I know that. Of course they would. Leave that to the clowns in Washington. I think, you know what? Yeah, they're bigger clowns. I think the circus, you know, on its travels, I know it was going from town to town for a while, and I think it made a stop in Washington and stayed there. Stayed there. Yeah, exactly. That's where you see what I'm trying to say. Yeah, yeah. Because clowns are running one. Yeah. Yeah. Well, to continue the train theme, I think when they were handing out

brains, I'm not for sure about this, but I believe some of those politicians thought they were saying trains. Yeah. And they said, no, we already have trains. We don't need brains. We don't need trains, so keep going. Keep going with the brains. Keep, move on, because we have trains. Oh, man. Because we, as politicians, have trains already. No, no, no. Oh, you haven't. No, no, no, no. That's copyrighted. So is Whoppin' Up. It's my, it's, Dennis Miller's got his rants. Yeah. Bill Maher's got his new rules. Yeah. And I got my new Nellies. No, no, no. Stop, sorry. No, no. Can we cut that out? Is that new Nellies? Let's cut it out. We'll cut it out. Don't worry. Number five. All right, boy, new Nonos, huh? Something about that segment reminds

me of something, but I can't think of what it is. Maybe the theme song? I don't know. It's the kind of segment that makes, like, listeners were telling me that they were walking around their house just saying it for weeks and weeks ago. I can absolutely see that. No, no, no. I hate it and love it at the same time. By the way, if you liked New Nonos, go listen to our holiday episode that came out a couple of weeks ago where Paul Rust has some new, you know how he called them new No, No, No's. Yes. Well, they are new Ho, Ho, Ho's. That's right. Christmas New Nonos. Yeah. It's based on Santa Claus. Yeah. The Santa Claus myth. He's known to say Ho, Ho, Ho. Yes. The myth of Kris Kringle. Kris Kringle, St. Nick, Old Scratch, Beelzebub.

Mephisto. Mephisto. So tell you what, Paul, what do you say? Let's take a break here for a second. All right. I got you on my side now. Now you're ready. Why wouldn't you take a break? You work too hard. You gotta take a break. Come on. You gotta take a break, you know? I mean, I love you, you know? I mean, we're going out, you know? You live with me, you know? That's our Woody – by the way, if you didn't hear part one, that's our – we've been doing Woody Allen impressions as we record these. So helpful. So let's take a break. When we come back, we will countdown from four to your number one right after this. From four to your. Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here, and I just want to remind you about the TV show where the

dream of the 90s is alive on Portlandia. That's right, Fred Armisen, friend of the show. Carrie Brownstein, not friend of the show, but friend of me personally. They both have this amazing sketch show on IFC. It's always entertaining, Emmy-nominated sketch comedy, and it's returning to IFC for a third season. Two brand new installments will kick it off on January 4th, okay? You do not want to miss out. Spend your Friday nights with Fred and Carrie as they run the streets of Portland with old new friends like Chloe Sevignier, Roseanne Barr, Bill Hader, Juliette Lewis, Patton Oswald, Jim Gaffigan, and, of course, Twin Peaks' Kyle McLaughlin as the mayor. I cannot tell you how good this show is, and it is going to be even

better this year. Make sure to tune in to the Emmy-nominated series, Portlandia, every Friday night on IFC, and visit IFC.com for more information. Comedy Bang Bang, welcome back, and Comedy Bang Bang, welcome back. You got it. You heard it here first from me and not Paul. That's right. You heard it from me second. You got welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. Second style. Why don't you go sit in an empty pool and be sad? We're having fun. We're counting down from five to one here, and we just heard number five great clip with The Womp and New Nonos, and tell you what, I think it's literally there's no other number I would rather do at this point than number four. Yeah. Number four. Number four, that's

right, and this comes to us from episode 148. It's an intriguing number. Yeah. Now let me set this clip up a little bit. This is from an episode called Wipe Out. Oh, yes. Yes. Now, I had my good buddy Jason Manzugus on the show, a hilarious guy. He's hilarious. A hilarious guy who from, he plays Rafi on the lead. He plays Rafi on the lead. He plays the dictator's best friend. The dictator, the Sasha Gohan, Sasha Gohan, Baogu movie. From the Hobbit. Now in theaters. The Sasha Baron Cohen movie, The Dictator, he plays Sasha Baron Cohen's best friend. He's an enlightened. He's so great. He's a miserable office worker. He plays a weirdo on Parks and Rec. He's just one of my favorite people and actors. Yes. And I enjoy doing the show with

him. And all of a sudden, in the middle of the show, we have another guest. Let's promise to always introduce who Jason is. Yes, no matter what. No matter what happens. He deserves that. He deserves it. It's fun to say his name, and it's fun to provide his background. It's fun to talk about his credits, so I say if we ever mention him again, let's, and I'm not saying that we're going to because who knows what's left on our countdown. But please, let us make that dear promise to each other. Yes. A promise is made. A New Year's promise. So anytime you talk about Jason Manzookas, you should talk about his credits. Absolutely. No matter if the person with whom you're speaking. It takes a village. Knows who Jason is or not. Yes. So I was talking

to Jason and the other guest that came in was a fellow named Dalton Wilcox. Yes. Now Dalton Wilcox is the self-proclaimed poet laureate of the West. Yeah. He is a poet. He's a cowboy. He dressed like a cowboy. He had spurs. There is a thing called cowboy poetry. Yes. And these guys have competitions every year and stuff like that, and he is the poet laureate of the West. Yes. He considers himself the best at it. And we will hear how the title of the episode got its title, the title, the titular wipeout. And we will hear a lot from Dalton Wilcox. And let me also just say, we mentioned him earlier, Andy Daly, who is a great, funny guy, improviser, who's on the show a lot doing various characters. He has been on the show several times, and I just

want to give you sort of the backstory on him. All of his characters, somehow by the end of the episode, they all talk about how they're going to commit suicide. Yes. They announced their intentions to self-merc. Yes. So Jason and I thought that if we ever had Andy on the show again, that we would kind of figure out why this was happening. So that's all I want to say. But this is our number four clip. Let's hear it, number four. Number four. You know, I've often been called the poet laureate of the West. How often? How often? Oh, my gosh. How often? Yeah. It's hard to calculate how often. I've been called between just loose conversations. So you haven't been keeping a running tally? You know what I haven't. Have you called yourself that? Is that what's

going on? Well, I'll be perfectly frank with you. I've referred to myself as the poet laureate of the West on many occasions. Were you like the king of pop, Michael Jackson, who tried to get that going by his lonesome? Well, gosh, I don't remember who it was who first called me that and called it me. It called me it and printed it. It might have been me. What kind of publications in print? Well, I've printed out a newsletter and I'm bringing it to your own publication. So you've been called the poet laureate of the West by yourself in your own publication. I believe it was me who first called me that and has been calling me that. Is this an online publication? I wish. Nope. I printed out and I handed out at Hoedowns and Rodeos and Campouts. Do you have

any kind of centerfold in there for Jason? Like anything in the... Any Beves? Is your newsletter having any Beves in it? I heard you talking about Beaver before. I don't care for that kind of conversation. I apologize for that. This is the program you're on, buddy. We tend to let it all hang out here. Evidently. Evidently. No, it's my newsletter is just I'm a celebrated chronicler and collector of the wit and wisdom of the Wild West out there and the range and the planes and birds. So this is kind of a bygone era or is this the Wild West that's currently happening? The West is very much alive and well known. Still, as long as there are cows that need wrestling up there will be cowboys. How long do you think that'll be? I've figured that'll be

forever. I reckon that'll be until the earth crashes into the sun. Well, that's not going to happen. You don't think the earth is going to crash into the sun? Sir, I do not. That's what they say is going to be the end of the humankind. I don't know. I think that something's going to crash into the earth before we crash into the sun. That's what no, that's precisely what I'm saying. A gigantic meteor will crash into the earth and then that will... That'll kill us all. That'll be the end. It's not the crashing into the sun part. No, there will be survivors. Let me tell you why you're wrong because we will know that it's coming and we will move underground and we'll protect ourselves and that and there'll be cows down there underground and we'll need cowboys

to wrestle them up and there'll be cowboys. I don't see this happening. I think at that point, once we're living underground, we are cannibals. Yeah. I think the cows are gone. Everything's gone. We are cannibals. This is like a Mad Max scenario. It's not going to matter because within a year, the earth will have been knocked off. It's actually by this meteor. Wait, within a year, you say? Well, I said, well, it's going to happen right away, but it'll take a year for us to fully... Oh, okay. Not within a year from right now. Crash into the sun. No, I don't have an accurate prediction as to when it's going to happen. I bought property up on top of Mount Kilimanjaro because when it happens, all of a sudden the oceans rise, it'll be beachfront property.

Okay, I'm done. What happened? I thought you were going to go through the whole song. Now you're going into a different song. I might. You started with Wipeout. Is that Wipeout? I believe it is. Okay. And then you went into a totally different song. I do love that you expected us to rescue you from that. I wish the people at home couldn't have appreciated the dance move. I wish the people at home could have seen the look on his face that was screaming, help me. I've started something that I don't want to keep going. Oh, that was... That's a lot of fun. All right, we'll be right in. What is your relationship to Gouchos? I beg your pardon? What's your relationship?

Questions. That's fine. Scott, thank you so much. We're getting to the heart of them. I don't know what you're talking about. We're digging into the meat because I swear to God, I don't know what you mean. You don't know what Gouchos are? I sure don't. They're out there. Jason, please. Gouchos are... I believe aren't Gouchos Mexican cowboys? Yes, exactly. Mexican cowboys. What's your relationship to them? Something like that, right? Oh, that's not what I call them. Oh, no. What's going on here? I don't call them Gouchos. Oh, boy. Got them Mexican cowboys. Oh, boy. This is taking a dark turn. That's not what I call them. Okay. I got a number of names for them. Yeah, I'm sure we do, but we... That's... Oh, let's... You know, Jason asked a

lighthearted question that, you know, where... Well, you got your answer. Lightheart. Oh, boy. It's also the name of a Steely Dan record, guys. What's that? Goucho. Pretty great record. Yeah, pretty great. Let's talk about which album is the best by Steely Dan. Let's rank them. Let's count them down from one. Count down to ecstasy? Yeah. Count them down from one. I think it's Cozy, Fan, Tootie, Fruity. That's a squeeze album. Come on. Oh, shit. You can't slip that pass by me. What? I thought I could. What did I just say? You can't squeeze that pass by me? Oh, boy. So, Dalton, tell us why you're here. You... I've got a book coming out and I'm promoting my book. It's called You Must Buy Your Wife,

At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations, Humorous and Otherwise from a Life on the Range. That's fun. That's the title of my book. It's... Title's a little unwieldy. I beg your pardon? The title's a little unwieldy. Well, I looked at how much room there was on the cover of your average book and I says people aren't using that space efficiently. Most people use 10%. That's precisely right. You know what I mean? They put a picture on there or something. I want to communicate to folks a whole lot of different interesting things about what they're going to find in this book. Most people put a picture on their cover of their book. I say put a thousand words. Well, I just... All evens out. Because a picture's worth a thousand

words. Yeah. Terrific. Wow. Just terrific. You know, Jason, I need a little more support from you. You need support from me. You know what I mean? You're the one that decided to a cappella sing Wipe Out after... The last two things that I've done. The last two things that I've done. Congratulations to yourself for a bit gone bad. The last two things I've done. Let's count them down from one. Wipe out and number zero. Number zero. Picture worth a thousand words. You have just... Shit. I'll go negative one was the Oscar... 12 Nights of Oscar Contra. No, you back me up. He did that. You did that. That was nice. You never did get to all 12 Nights of Oscar though. I hope we do revisit it later in the broadcast. No, we just may. Dalton, I am certain we will. Okay, good. I'm glad. Because I think

as far as I know, it only got up to negative six. I believe it or seven. A long way to go. And a lot of... A few of them were absolutely... Dalton, shut up. I want to hear your poetry. Do you have any goddamn poems to tell us? Sure I do. I got a poem here called The Lonesome Cowboy. Here we go. The Lonesome Cowboy. Is this an exclusive? Yeah, it's an exclusive. I never... Yep, that's right. It comes out in the new book. Nobody never heard of it before. No one's ever heard of this before. All right. Exclusive here. Comedy Bang Bang. This is a world premiere. Exclusive. Anything you want to say, Jason? No. I just am baited breath. All right. Baited breath. But you can start listening now because this is where it

begins. Live tweet. Here it goes. Live tweet this poem. Yeah. Feel free to do that but don't give away the ending. A cowboy is a lonesome man. There's none more lonesome in the land. He rides atop his only friend. His horse, a companion on whom he can depend. His woman may be miles behind him. Sadness and desperation may find him. But a cowboy whose wise will turn to the earth to lend him solace and even mirth. The earth from which all beauty springs, such bounty forth she always brings. He'll dig a hole with cracked scorched hands, pour in all the water that hold demands until that hole is moist. Just right. The earth will never put up any kind of a fight. His cries of joy no one will hear. In case I am not being clear, I'm saying that cowboy is going

to fuck a hole in the ground. We all do it. That's what I've found. Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell can fashion a land Virginia well. If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds, there'd be cowboys growing everywhere across the plains like weeds. That's the poem, the lonesome cowboy. There's a point early on where you rhyme him with him. That's what you're glomming onto. I think you're wrong about that, my friend. Might I just say that the end of the poem was where my attention was piqued. What happened? The part where the cowboy is making love to a hole that he digs in the ground. I rhymed behind him with may find him. That's a secondary rhyme.

That's allowable. You know what? That took me out of the poem. You didn't hear anything after that? Nope. What happened afterwards? Let me just summarize. This lonesome cowboy is hoping that cowboy clones will grow out of the earth from where upon the spot upon which he is masturbating. Dalton, is this a... It's fascinating. Poems are open to interpretation, but that one is all wrong. Because what Scott was just describing sounds like some sort of sci-fi cowboy poem. Oh, I don't go for that. No, absolutely not. Like the pod people of the plains. That you know, in some ways an artist hates to explain his work, but I will say that it's...

I don't hope that cowboys will grow out of the ground and it has nothing to do with masturbation, my friend. Absolutely nothing to do with that. Well, as I look at it now, it appears as though the cowboy is having sex with the ground. Is that a form of masturbation, though, if there's not another human involved? How dare you? Wow. This is the cowboy's lover is lady earth. But wait a minute. I'm not... Listen, you're a cowboy. I don't want to put this on you. Don't put anything on me unless it's a 10 gallon. This... I'm with you, buddy. See, that's the sorts of witticisms and observations about life on the

range that you'll find in my book. You know what I'm not seeing in this poem? Which is called, you must buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse and other poems and observations humorous and otherwise from a life on the range. Yeah. But who? But me, Dalton Wilcox, cowboy poet laureate of the west. Self-declared. So, wow, that's... It's a lonely life, huh? How often, how many times a day do you think about this? About what? About suicide? Yeah. Gosh, how many times are there in a day? Wow, that's a great question. Yep. You know? That could be the title of my next book. How many times are there in a day and other observations humorous and otherwise from a life on the plains? And that seems to

have a lot of this book's titles. Yeah. Do you get depressed a lot? Sure I do. Always depressed out there with your horses, your only companion, and vampires killed your wife and now apparently maybe even your girlfriend and it's hard work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jason, you think about it? Andy, are you okay? What are you doing? My name is Dalton Wilcox. Andy. Andy. I got to ask you a question, Andy. What are you talking about? It's like... This is your 10th appearance, 12th appearance on the show for a character who would like to end his own life. I'd like to point out Dalton Wilcox didn't bring it up. Andy. He didn't bring it up, but it was going to. You jumped to the chance. That's called yes and everybody understands that. Andy. We're here because we love you.

We're here because we love you. We're not taping this episode. What? The cameras aren't on. The Dustin is not real. Well, then how are people going to know to buy my book? You must buy your wife. Andy, there is no person. There's no book. Andy, is everything okay? What's going on? I was listening to a number of past appearances. A lot of people would not notice this unless they're super fans of the show, but Andy Daly, comedian, who's sitting across the table from this. I don't know who that is. Nope. It's you, Andy. I don't know who that is. Every time he's on the show, he alludes to committing suicide in some way or some form. Every character you portray is a cry for help and we are here. I don't know who you are. I don't play any characters. Andy, drop it.

Drop that accent. You need to face what's going on. You can't stop me from killing myself. I'm going to jump out this goddamn window. Don't jump out the window. No, no, no, no, Andy. Oh my God. He stayed in character the whole time. He did it. That was the most bravest death I've ever seen. He stayed in character the entire time. I don't even understand what I just saw. He just, he went out the window. I just, I really thought we were going to confront him and he was going to, we were going to tell him we loved him. Did we ever tell him we loved him? We should have told him we loved him. He was my best friend. He was your best friend? In some of his characters were. I mean, he was an acquaintance of mine. Wow. Wow. That is intense. Well, that's too bad,

huh? That is too bad. All right. Well, I guess there's only, hold on. Somebody's joining us. It's me, Don Jamello, theatrical director. Andy, how did you survive that? Andy. Andy. What are you talking about? Andy. Andy. Stop it. Stop it. Why are you guys calling me Andy? How did, I know we're only on the first floor. How did you survive that? What are you talking about? Oh wait, I just answered my own question. We're on the first floor. I totally forgot about that. And when he fell, maybe did that knock him into Don Jamello? Oh my gosh. Guys, I don't know what you mean, but I've just stopped by here. Are you promoting something? Nope. I just want to jump out this window and kill myself. No, don't, don't, don't. Andy. Andy. Oh my god. Oh my god, he did it. He did

it again. I'm not as concerned. I don't want to look out the window. Oh, he's back. Hello? Who's here? Who's this? It's me, Hot Dog. How's it going, you guys? Hey, I know you. Why did you drop eyes? Just here to kill myself. Oh, there we go. Oh my god. I'm not as concerned because I love that it's happening again. He falls a lot longer than what I would consider to be the first floor. Who's this? It's me, August Lint. How do we know? The original suicidal character. Wow. What a treat. What a treat for the fans. So many suicides. Daddy Mahoney out the window. Daddy Mahoney, there he goes. Wow. Oh no. And historic. Oh no. I hope the next guy doesn't have a bunch of heavy coats on. Bill Carter, trainer to the stars. Oh, he's got two. Wow.

Oh, boy. Bill Carter. I wish I could remember his website. Trainer to the stars. Oh wait, who's here? The Irish guy with the poems. Out the window. Doesn't even remember his own name. Wow. Okay. Well, hopefully one of these days Andy will come back in here. Really genuinely worried about it. And I'm the British guy who made a brief appearance. Oh, the YouTube guy that writes YouTube's bridges. Jump out the window. There we go. All right. Well, what a show, huh, Jason? Wow. Crazy, huh? The thing I'm a little worried about is I don't think we got through to Andy. I don't think we did, but at least it was entertaining. At least we did it. And a treat for the fans. A cavalcade of Andy daily suicidal

characters. Number four. Yeah, Andy, RIP. RIP, possible? RIP, possible? Andy daily in the grave now. That is, yeah, it's a shame too. It's a shame. That's why it hasn't been on. His television show on Comedy Central will be airing posthumously in the new year. That's right. His show, what is it called again? Review with someone's name. Forest something. But it's coming on Comedy Central next year in 2013. Andy, one of the funniest guys in the world. Living. Living, of course. And Guy, I said, of course. Yes, that's true. Yeah, so many disclaimers for him. So many qualifiers. Tell you what, why don't we take a break? When we come back, we will count down from three to one. What do you say, Paul? I say, let's do that. Let's do that now. Boop, three. Bro.

Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman here. And if you're like me, you're sitting around with probably 25 to 50 great website ideas. You have so many ideas you want to get them out, but what's the worst part of having a website idea? Translating it and actually making a website. Oh, it's so hard to do. Well, guess what? Not anymore. Our friends at Squarespace, you know what that is, a do-it-yourself website builder that allows you to make a website or blog in just a few minutes. They have a great product. They give you a free domain name, they handle all of the hosting, and they have 24-hour customer support. Bother them at any time. They legally have to take your call. Everything on Squarespace is drag and drop, so it's incredibly easy to use. You can drag pictures

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best value with unlimited pages, galleries, and blogs, unlimited storage, bandwidth, and contributors. You know what? Enough talking about it. Go to squarespace.com slash bang bang to start your free trial. No credit card required. And then once you get on there and you're going to want to decide to purchase it, click enter an offer code below the pricing at checkout to enter the offer code hot dog to get a 10% discount. That is squarespace.com slash bang bang offer code H O T D O G. And I'll see you at Squarespace. Comedy bang bang, welcome back. Again, I'm sorry. You're stepping on my lines, mister. I don't know why that happens. I don't know why that happens. Hey, mister. Awesome power. No. Who's his name? Ace Ventura. Oh, Ace Ventura. Hey, mister. Do you remember

there was a Mr. Show wrapping party? Oh my gosh. Paul and I used to work on Mr. Show together. Yes. Not at the same time. Well, I mean, you were sort of acting on it. I was acting on the season when you were writing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. But there was a wrap party for one season. Was it the end? Was it the last season? Well, the last, the very last season we had Corey Feldman's band play. Yeah. Yeah. And it was a bummer. Well, yes. Along those lines, there was maybe the season before they had hired. Lookalikes. Two Ace Ventura lookalikes. And Michael Jackson lookalike. I think the Michael Jackson ones were the, were the Corey Feldman. Okay. The Ace Ventura lookalikes. And they were meant to roam the party and

entertain us. Yeah. Yeah. So it was, yeah, it was, but it was kind of fun. I enjoyed hearing all their catchphrases. For how long? Oh, righty then. Yeah, baby. They would do a crazy laugh for whatever. Do you fancy a shag? My wife. Someone requested a strung together clips of all the times we say my wife on the show. A super cut of those? A super cut of my wife's. And I can tell you, I do not want to go through and look up the time code for all those. Who would? And also just hearing it by itself. It's just, it's all going to sound the same for the most part. It's just going to be my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife. There, you just saved everybody a lot of time. Yeah. But if you want to make a super cut,

have at it. I just, I can't do it myself. Hey, if you're a mentally ill person, here's something to occupy your time. Put down your perpetual motion machine and work on this for a minute. Stop looking at people as if they're the devil and plotting ways to discourage them from the earth. Scourge them. Scourge them. What is going on with your mouth? I'm hungry. I haven't eaten lunch yet. To scourge. To scourge. Remember from SNL? That great sketch. To scourge. To scourge. To scourge. Hey, Paul. Before we get chacha. Hey, chacha. Before we get back to our countdown, I think it's time for another bonus clip. This bonus clip comes to us from episode 161. And 161, I believe, was our, it was the episode

that we premiered during the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. The Comedy Bang Bang TV show, I haven't mentioned it on this particular episode yet, but it premiered on IFC in the summer of this year. Thank you very much. I would have loved to have appeared on it. Too bad you weren't. Unfortunately, our good friend Andrew Lloyd Webber, he was on it and Cake Boss was on it, but we'll try to get you on there in season two if there ever is one. I hope so. If there ever is one, I would love to appear on the show sometime. Okay, we'll try for that. Action. Well, but yeah, so what am I saying? We didn't do a robot. Well, actually. Guys, if this is your first episode listening to the show, I apologize. And if this is your last

episode listening to the show, I don't blame you. I understand. That was fun, though. I enjoyed it. And hey, I hope that if it's your first time to the show, you're enjoying us having a good time. What's more important to people consuming entertainment than that the entertainers themselves are enjoying themselves? That's right. When I watch The Deer Hunter, I want to know that Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro had some laughs on the set. Yes, they had a great time. Well, how often do you think people laughed on the set of The Deer Hunter? Oh, so much, I bet. I bet every take it was just like, I can't do this. How about that movie, The Rabbit Hole, with Aaron Eckhart and Nicole Kidman that was about a dead child? Do you think that anyone laughed once?

Do you think there was any bloopers? Like where somebody's like, you're blaming me for his dooth? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said dooth instead of death. Do you think that in Dune, did they ever say like one down instead of one dune? Probably. Oh, that's a blooper I want to see on the David Lynch cut. Do you want to see the David Lynch dune bloopers or do you want to see the TV movie miniseries dune bloopers? Both next to each other and on top of each other. Now we're talking about a supercut. I can get a hide. Oh, what are we saying? Oh, this is a bonus clip. I don't fuck it. It's a bonus clip. Yeah, it comes to us from episode 161 when the TV show premiered, our good friend Tim Heidecker from Tim and Eric, awesome show, great job. He hides. He came by

Reggie Watts, my one man band leader came by. Also Andy Dailey was there and John Dailey, the Dailey twins. All the Daileys. The Dails. They were both there. That's rare that you have both Daileys at the same time. Oh, yeah. I mean, they kept leaving the room and coming, you know, then the other one would come in. Yeah, I don't know. Curious, sir, and curious. It was. Anyway, so this is from episode 161. Tim Heidecker, he is gonna, this clip, he tells us all about his new projects and you hear Reggie Watts and I. This guy's always got something going on. He's got something going on in this. And speaking of Woody Allen, this is, I don't want to spoil it, but he's got a new project. Why would you spoil it? Don't spoil it for people. I love you. I love you.

Why do you want to spoil? We're living together, you know? Come on. I'm a weird sociopath. I'm incapable of feelings, but I love you. Come on. I want him to be a friend of the show. All right. So here we go. This is a clip. Anyways, but yeah, so China was cool. I could talk about that a little bit if you want. Well, I mean, we don't have to if you, I mean, you obviously just got back. Maybe you want to process it a little bit. You want a little wrestle with whatever you were dealing with over there. No, I mean, it was, it was like a, for me, it was like a dream come true, I guess. Yeah, but we don't have to talk about it. A lot of people like to internalize those kind of things and they don't

like, you know what I found is a lot of people, if they share experiences, they're no longer their own, you know? So we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to talk about it. I do. I want to tell people it's kind of cool. It's kind of cool. It's actually kind of cool. It was cool? Yeah, I went to, it was a Woody Allen movie. You were doing a Woody Allen movie? I actually booked a Woody Allen movie. Congratulations. He's doing those in China now. Well, this film takes place in China. He had his European period. Yes. Well, no, okay. Let's see. He had his American period. Right. We all know Annie Hall, for instance. Okay. In my opinion, that's when he started to become a little bit more of a serious filmmaker. You know, maybe it's just me, but for me, that's

where he sort of put a side, you know, the kind of broad comedy and he just delved into more personal themes. Definitely. I mean, that might be just me, but so then he went to England and he did some films. Matchpoint. And maybe it's just me, but for me, he really kind of reinvigorated himself as a filmmaker then. Sure. He'd been getting into a little bit of a rut, but you know, in my opinion, just my personal opinion, he just sort of sparked into something that was a new kind of. And then he went over to Europe, you know? Yeah. Vicky Barcelona? Vicky Barcelona, Forget Paris. A couple other great movies. The Rome, the pizza, Rome. Down Under. Down Under in Rome. No, no, that's quickly down under. Is that what it is? But this is, this is his first

movie in China. It's a completely, it was a completely new experience for him and me. I'd never been there. And it was a small part, but they wanted everybody there for the whole shoot. Oh, I understand that. So you've done a Woody. That's, that's so, that's every actor's dream. It's called Ching Chong Matinee. And it's, I don't know, it's going to come out probably in the fall. Ching Chong. Ching Chong Matinee. Matinee. With Howie Mandel, Tony Roberts, Jackie Chan, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Alexander, and myself. Tony Roberts is back in Woody Allen. That's big news. Yeah. It's cool. It's like, it's, it's B&W. It's silent. It's, it's being black and white. Yeah. Cause he kind of, he was at the, Woody told me the story. He was at the Oscars

and saw the artists like for the first time. At the Oscars? Yeah. Did they play, they played it after the Oscars? He had saw the clip at the Oscars. A lot of people don't know that, you know, right after the Oscars, they play the best picture. They have a screening. Just so, yeah. Yeah. The camera, the TV can't show it because they don't have the licensing rights. Sure. Anyways, he was kind of blown away by the way that looked and the whole style. Well, it was black and white and it was silent. Yeah. So he wrote this script about a bunch of Chinese people that do a opera in, based on the Kung Fu Panda, the cartoon. The cartoon movie, The Dreamworks, Kung Fu Panda. So they do, they, they do an opera

based on that movie. Okay. But it's silent. The movie is silent. Yeah. So why, okay. Right. So it's just all of you, all of the actors open their mouths and pretend you're singing and, and what. And it was like, you know, he's always kind of pushing boundaries and we all were made up to look like Chinese people. Okay. So, but now Jackie Chan, does he play the panda then? Because I would imagine he doesn't need the makeup. You know, he plays the president. He plays President Clinton, who comes too. What's this now? You're getting emotional. Yeah, we'll get you that coffee. Don't worry. But so he plays, he plays President Clinton,

who comes to the, to the aid of the panda, I would imagine. No, he's going to the premiere of the opera. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. So it's not, it's not Jason Alexander is like the, the, like the woody character in the, in the movie. Got it. You know, so he's like the main actor in the opera. So it's, and he's got like very neurotic and as falls in love with Jennifer Aniston, who plays them, the, the female lead. Right. Right. But the female lead in the Kung Fu Panda opera. Yeah. Okay. And I play it just a stage hand. I'm like, I have no lines. Well, nobody has any real lines, but I'm just, I'm on screen for like four minutes. Four minutes. What if you don't have any lines? What are you doing on screen for four

minutes? That's a long time, actually. Yeah. Well, I mean, throughout the whole film, like there's four, four moments where I come out, four or five moments where I come out and move scenery around. Oh, okay. And I give like some looks, like sort of like classic comedy, like double takes and stuff. Okay. What's going on on, I mean, can you spoil it? What's going on? I probably shouldn't. I mean, it's like, what do you keep things so segregated? So like, I don't know what anybody else is doing really. Like there's a lot of innuendo and a lot of rumor going around about what's going on, but it was fantastic. And there was like two hours, like three or four hours of makeup, like getting it on and getting it off every day.

What for? You're just playing a stage hand. I was playing Chinese. Oh, Chinese stage hand. Yeah. So they have the prosthetic eyes and the, and what else? Skin coloring and the, and the wig and everything is all very. Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't, you're not even going to recognize me. I look completely different. Like it's like a real Chinese man. Gosh. That's, I guess that's exciting. I don't know. Reggie, what do you think about this? Have you? I think it sounds, I mean, I really enjoyed Tango in Paris tonight. I think that it's last time going Paris. Yeah. That was a good Woody. I love Woody's. Well, yeah. I mean, he has not, he has yet to make a bad movie. You know, they've all been good. His track record. He's 100%.

Yeah. He's, he's like, he's like a track team that wins every match. That's how good his track record is. I'm happy to be back. I'm happy to be a part of it. Yeah. Are you reading from a press release? Yeah. Well, yeah. What, so why did you pull out a piece of paper as you started saying that? Because Woody, the last thing he said to me, he drove, he, we all sort of took the same flight back and we were getting dropped off in the super shuttle. And he said, make sure if you're going to do any podcast today, make sure you just say whatever I just said, which was have a great, I had a great time. It was a great experience. So it was a lot of it. A lot of the cast are doing podcasts. That's generally what happens when you come back from an overseas shoot. It's sort of as

a standard. You just leap right into podcasting. Standard operating procedures. You just, SOP. Yeah. What, maybe I could get Jason Alexander on the show or Howie or... Where do you see Howie Mendel in this movie? He plays the panda. Oh, he's the panda. Yeah. But he's a panda in the opera. What does he play in the behind the scenes? Well, that's the thing. It's a little bit like, it's like what goes on behind the scenes of a Chinese opera in Beijing. And it's unbelievable. The food and the people and the... The food is a big part of this. Yeah. It becomes that movie Big Night. Yeah. About the dinner that... Yeah. Stanley Tucci. Touchy. It becomes all about the food, the Chinese food. Okay. Because Woody became obsessed with Chinese food. He loves

New York Chinese food, of course, Chinatown. Sure. You'd have that on Christmas a lot, I bet. And every night after a shoot, we'd go back and he'd order takeout and we'd watch Bob Hope movies and just have so much fun just talking about the great work we did that day. So it sounds like the plot got derailed somewhat just by his love of Chinese movie or Chinese food, rather. It just got derailed to where the... How much of the movie is about Chinese food? That's the thing is he... If you know anything about Woody is like sort of... There's a script and there's an idea, but that he's so willing to let things go wherever they go. So if you know, Annie Hall, the classic story, that that was not what the movie was supposed to be about.

Right. I remember that Diane Keaton, she walked into a scene and she just rift, my name is Annie Hall, and he said, we got something. We got something here. So that's what it became. And I think after a couple of days of shooting with this opera and the silent stuff and Woody and the producers, Chinese producers were kind of like, what is this? This isn't working. So then it became about improv and became about takeout Chinese. And Jason is such a great improviser. And he is. He's one of the best. He could do the Woody things. So he'd be like, he'd be riffing on Woody, Woody-isms as we say on set. Like this Chinese food is worse than Auschwitz. Everybody would be screaming.

What would Woody do when he would riff stuff like that? Would he laugh? He'd scream. He'd be like, this is the best. Would he like high five anyone? Yeah. I mean, he just would start running around screaming. Like he brought one, one was funny. One day it was funny. I can't remember what Jason was. He was very tired. And he was pit. He was actually pissed. Oh, Jason was? And he said, Jesus. And Woody said, thought he was hurt himself in his headphones. He thought he and he started screaming and just jumping up and down. We were all laughing. That's a funny story. That's a good story. That's a real, that's one of the best stories I think I've heard. One of the best show business

stories I think I've heard. At the very least. Yeah. You have to be there, of course, but you know, not really. No, the way that you, the way that you told it. Jason just go, Jesus. And you know, Woody, and freaks. Yeah. And his headphones come because he wears the headphones. Oh, as a director and everything. Yeah. Monitor sound. Yeah. And he just starts running around. He ran right out into the street. Right out into the Chinese streets. And he said, I'm home. He goes, I'm home. Finally. Is he moving there? Who knows? But bonus. Clip. Wow. Oh, such a great clip, huh? What a bonus that was. It really was a bonus. It was extra. It really was a bonus. Yeah. All right, Paul, it's time to count down. We're now at

our top three, Paul. Can you believe it? I can't believe it, Scott. Voted on by the listeners. My life. What's happened? I'm an old man. This episode, it's time for number three. Number three. Number three that, oh, we're here at it. And a lot of people, when this came out, they said, could, can you top this episode ever? I remember these fools. This, this may be the best episode of all time. No, it came in at number three. It's relegated to the three heap. Three, three, three. Guys, I apologize once again. I do not for this one. Oh, good. No, I think that was better than the last one. No regrets. Because it's better because we said three Pallotte. Yeah. The rule

of threeps comedy rule of threeps. All right. The threeps, the threeps. Speaking of threeps and things that rhyme with threeps. This is the episode called out of bleeps. Oh, this is a fantastical one. This was a great episode. Truly. Amy Polar from Parks and Recreation. Absolutely hilarious. Old friends. All-time legendary hilarious. One of the funniest people in the universe. Absolutely. Living. And she's a friend of the show. She came and did this. It's true because Sam Kinneson has passed. And so she, you know, she moved up a ranking. So she's the mental, yes. She was on the TV show and she graciously spent so much time filming with us. And that episode of the TV show is one of my favorites. This is one of my

favorite episodes of the podcast. This is an episode where first she came and before this clip she came and we talked about Parks and Recreation a lot. And our good friend Jason Manzuchus is also on this show. This guy's hilarious lunatic. He's, you know him as Rafi from the league. That's right. You know him if you saw The Dictator with Sasha Baron Cohen. The dictator's friend. He's the dictator's best friend. And he's, Jason is one of the funniest people in the world. Boundless energy. And so the two of them bouncing off each other previous to this clip. Old Improv Buddies from New York. Already. That's a great show. Yeah. Right there. What can we throw into that mix, Scott, to make it even better? Well, all of a

sudden then we throw someone by the name of Tom Likis. A disgusting radio host. Who used to be on KFI. And where is he now? I think he has a podcast now. He talks about it in this clip, I believe. So Tom Likis gets thrown into the mix and has a little sexual connection with Amy. I don't want to spoil it, but why would you spoil it? Why would you think they got a section action? A section action? Yeah. Sexual connection. But let's hear it. This is your episode three. Your episode three. What am I saying? Like Star Wars here. Speaking of Star Wars, episode three. No, this is your number three. Let's hear it out of bleeps. Number three. All right. Well, let's get to our next guest here. You know him as the host of a certain program

who was on KFI and then CBS Radio. Talk radio personality. Currently moving over to podcasts, I believe. You got it. Please welcome Tom Likis to the show. First time on the show. Thank you, son. Son. You got it. Here we are in Hollywood, California, coming at you with a Tom Likis radio program on the Year Wolf Comedy Network. No, this is not the Tom Likis radio program. One Tom, hundred Tom, hundred Tom is your toll-free telephone number. We're taking calls and putting bitches in their place. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. This is gonna be a... I've never heard your show, Tom. How long has it been on the air? Oh, it was all the questions. How long has it been off the air? Well, that's not really... You know what I'm talking about. I don't think he's answered

anything clearly at all. Listen, I am the professor in the class of the session. Are you ready for Likis 101? Well, I'm excited to meet Tom because I've heard... I bet you are, dear. Because I've heard his show in a lot of cabs. I bet you have. Do you get off to it? Um, no. Women love me. You know what I'm talking about? Because my wallet is well hung. Oh, you know, I find that most women aren't really attracted to someone because of money. You know, it's really personality. Oh, sure. You sound like a shrieking shrew. You're calling it so I can't see it, but I bet you're a big one. No, no. Actually, she's right there. The woman who is speaking. I know. I can't see her over the phone, but she sounds like a real porker.

She's sitting right in front of you. One and one half foot away from me. I don't care. I'm going to try to not... You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to practice some Buddhist stuff I've been working on, trying to not engage, not get hooked by this guy. How did you get into Buddhism? Did you ever understand? It got into me. Amy, do you have a little book of Buddhist saints? I do, and they might apply. Do you rub his belly? Yeah, see, this guy's going to hook me a little bit. It's going to be tough, but I'm going to try to just stay in the present moment. You know, sweetheart, samsara is nirvana. That's what I tell all my bitches.

So, for people who don't know who you are, you are a talk show host that, I guess, you're disgusting? Is that how you would describe yourself? I don't describe myself as a man. It was broadcasting. And you're a man... That man could relate to. You're a man-themed show, in other words? It's a man-themed show. I never had any problems with ratings when it came to men. Right. You know what I'm talking about? Well, you know, I find that most women... What? I like the same things these guys like. It's not like I like all gender-specific stuff.

I'm sure there's something... Of course you do. Of course you do. You like everything but in the receiving end. I know women better than they do. Because I've been siding racks and porking butts. Oh, boy. Porking butts? Well, see, if I had a women thing... If you know women more than they do, I would think you would be porking vaginas. Not only have I been porking butts, I started a factory farm for it. You know what I'm talking about? No. I got butts lined up like, like,

hillshire farm pork cutlets. Is it organic? Everything I do is organic! Amy, you must like some, you know, female-specific things. Sure. I mean, I guess I do. You know, I love... I mean, I, you know, I'll watch Sex and City on reruns. Of course you will. And then you expect that lifestyle for the man that you're dating to support you and have you live that way like you own the room. I don't know what kind of women you've met, Tom, but actually all the women I know are very

self-sufficient. All the best women in the world. I'll promise you that right now, sweetheart. Are you married or...? I'm not married. I don't believe in marriage. Really? Marriage is for women to get their hooks into a little bit of it. Into a what, though? Into a little bit of it.

Into a little bit of it? Into a little bit of it. What if...? Let me tell you something about men. By the way, if you're... I don't want any little kids out there when they go on the broadcasting. Very important to know that you can put the letter L in any word of the word. Learn how to roll your tongue. I was going to ask that because a lot of times you're saying something that makes sense.

Please don't call. There's no phone lines. There's no phone lines. You don't call. We got lines that we got bitches and chains. We don't have anyone. I feel like I feel a lot of pain from Tom. You know what I mean?

I feel like he's having a... He's kind of... I feel like he's striking out because he's been hurt. Oh, yeah. What's your background? I mean, did you ever... Have you ever been in love? I convinced myself that when I was in love, I used to be a loser. I used to fall for women.

At least turned me down. And let me tell you something. After I developed Like Us 101, everything came back to me. I'm scoring with chicks whose mothers turned me down. Oh. What's Like Us 101? And then I'm dragging them around in front of their mothers and making a big scene about how I've degraded their daughters.

That doesn't sound healthy. Doesn't that turn you on, Scott? Actually, it kind of does. Man, do you like degradation? To have that kind of power over a little woman? What is Like Us 101? I confess that I am sort of ignorant about your broadcast. I don't really know that much about you.

You don't need to know about me. All you need to know is that your dick needs to be slobbed. And if you're going to slobby right, you're going to be a real slobby like a toilet couch. Like Us 101, the way that men learn how to live sex with women. Because that's what men are better to do. I feel like I'm doing it the right way. I got married. I'm having sex with my wife.

Oh, oh. You got married. You're doing everything that your wife wants you to do. I've been there, friend. Let me tell you something, son. Pretty nice, yeah. Yeah, let me tell you something, son. She will poke holes in those condoms and you will have a baby and you will be hooked for life.

That's what women learn genetically. We're actually trying to have a baby. We're having trouble with it. I know holes in the condoms necessary. How do you learn something genetically? We've been trying for about 15 months. I think if it's genetic, it's really innate. You don't learn something genetically.

I've got the microscope. I got the microscope. And I'm at a microscope. And I'm looking at the microscope. But then on the genetic level, the subatomic level. And I've seen, I have seen the scapes, the female chromosomes have. The scheming. Down on the chromosome level.

Scheming chromosomes. See, what I hear from this is, Tom is, I think Tom's still in love with his ex-wife. That's what I hear. I'm sorry, Tom, but you've talked about, you've been there before and I'm, I'm assuming that means you've been married before? I would not say, I don't love my ex-wife. I, what I do is I have a series of Google alerts. Just to make sure that I'm fully informed of how much of a bitch she is.

Just in different spellings in case someone spells. Let me make something very clear. I don't have an ex-wife. I have a room full of ex-wives. That's how popular I've been. Why do you marry them? And if you just, I don't get it. There is nothing to make a bride feel more submissive than knowing on her wedding day

that you're going to dump that bitch. We'll be back with more of your calls. No, we won't, no we won't. We don't have any calls. We're not taking a break. We'll be here a little louder, but your won't never. Let's take a look for some of our sponsors. Deadbeatdads.com.

Deadbeatdads.com. If your son is going to grow up to be a man, he better have an example. Log him in at deadbeatdad.com and get 50% off next time you push a woman. I just want to make clear, if you're just tuning into the show for the first time, because you saw Amy a big star, your favorite television stars on the program, you know, you love her, her light, her life on Parks and Recreation. This is not the kind of person that I want on this show. And this is, I mean, he's interrupted this program.

Scott, we were in negotiations for three months. You tried to keep me off the air just like CBS Radio did, but guess what? The people rose up and demanded it. You may not like what I do, but you're going to love me or you're going to hate me. And that's why people tune in. I kind of hate you. And you keep tuning in. Just so I'm clear on that sponsor, deadbeatdads.com,

you log the name of your child into the site. You put your name, you put your child's name on the site. So the child, so now you, you, the dad, are registering. So it's for deadbeatdads. Are you registering? You're voluntarily registered as a deadbeat dad. So if you're interested in being a deadbeat dad, the first place you would look would be deadbeatdad.com.

If you need, if you need somebody to pick up your kid from an adjacent county where there's an outstanding warrant and you can't cross that county line, other deadbeat dads will step up to the plate. Oh, okay. All I hear is please love me. Please love me. I mean, that's just all I'm hearing. You know, I think Tom is an empty vessel.

It's very hard. You are hearing what you want to hear, dear. I've heard of all before from people like you. You take a man out, you size him up and see how big his wallet is. His wallet. It'll, wow. Ellen, you try to dip your nylons right into his fucking butthole. Right.

What? Wait, dip them? How would one dip? Every woman was to dip nylons into my butthole and I've turned them down 90% of the time. Okay, first of all, I've never heard of that. Secondly, that 10%, you're letting women dip nylons into your butthole? And I'm doing great. I feel like that's something you want.

Let me tell you something. We do often talk about what we want as if we don't want it. But he is asking for what he wants. I feel like you're projecting a lot. I don't project anything. If anything, I am the screen upon which men project their fantasies. I don't know. I don't know.

A lot of men thank me verbally while they're scoring with chicks. Really? While they're doing it? Hell. A lot of men scream out my day, thank you, Tom. Blow me up, Tom, as they're getting blown. What's blow me up, Tom? They don't blow me up, Tom.

That's my website. Blow me up, Tom.com. And for a while, there was a denial of service attack. And we had to scale it back to blow me, Tom.com. But it's back up. We have blow me up, Tom.com. Well, blow me, Tom. Must have been a very, very difficult site for you to have.

Well, that's fine. But that was when I was off the air. That was when CBS bowed to the women. I never had a problem with male ratings. Well, like that clear. And I don't want to talk to you about hostile. You're not my sampling of my audience. You're a woman.

And you're a woman. You're a little woman. And you're too. You're a little. You don't bring your size into this. You're a dirty, you're a dirty, you're a dirty, little, hairy, little woman. Thank you.

I like that. Yeah, I do like that. You're a little piglet. And you're too big. You're just beaming from ear to ear. This is such a strange reaction. I don't know why, but I'm getting this. OK, this is going to be really weird.

You're a squealing little shrew. Guys, this is going to sound really weird. I'm a little attracted to Tom right now. No, don't fall into this. I don't know why. This is working. This is working. We're down here at Hollywood.

We're siding racks. This is activating your bad boy complex. There's just something about him talking to a little piglet. You know, guys like me who are nice to women, we can't get anything going. We can't have a baby even though we've been trying for 15 months. I'm a lovely, generous man, hopelessly single.

Do you want to go out on a date with me, A.B. Polar? No, I don't. I bet you do. Let me tell you something that's going to take you to the cheapest, dirtiest place off a Lincoln Boulevard that I can find. Well, it does feel like I deserve that. A Lincoln Boulevard?

Lincoln Boulevard. Santa Monica? It's the ch- No, it's Venice on the Los Angeles side. You got it. Okay, so just blow me up. adjacent to Santa Monica. Something about his confidence.

I don't know. I don't know. Plus, guys, I can't explain it. It's confidence born of insecurity. Let me tell you something. You know that a sad, insecure man is within here. You're right. You're right.

I may be sad. I may be insecure, but I get laid balls deep. You ever get laid balls deep, Jason? That meaning does my entire penis go inside? Like, and the balls? The balls go right in real smooth. So wait a minute. You have your balls in her vagina while she has her nylons

in your butthole? Or is this one? Are you looking under the table because we are getting it all? Who is? No, no, no. That's not true, Tom. We should clear that up then, but that's not happening. Oh, let me tell you something.

I have my feet wrapped around your buttocks. Does that hurt? How does that, what is that? How would that even work? Feet wrapped around buttocks? You have no idea. I understand my arms wrapped around your body. My legs wrapped around your buttocks.

01:14:56,800 --> 01:14:58,080 But my entire feet? When I get in a colloidal position with a woman. Colloidal? A colloidal position with a woman. Yeah. I unfold myself. Not unlike a decepticon from Transformers.

There are riches that come out. Which, by the way, are the bad guys. The bad boys in the Transformers universe. You better believe we're the bad boys. There is something about Tom. I wrote him off at first, but now I know. There's a decisiveness. Like every woman.

You see, you're listening out there. All the like-as-heds out there. You're listening and you heard a woman. Little, little, she didn't know what they're tracking to me. And that's what they'll say at first. And they'll slap you or they'll push you away. There'll be a sexual harassment lawsuit. But they will come around and you will come on their face

as they rip up that restraining order in front of you. Now he lost me. He lost me. That's how attractive they are. He lost me. You're a little man. Who knows a little man? I'm so sorry, guys.

Normally I would just bleep, you know, the terrible things he's saying out of the program. But we ran out of bleeps last week. You did? We're out of time for this segment. We bleep so much last week. We'll be back after another round of commercials. We're out of commercial.

We're out of bleeps. No, we don't. Bum, ba-do-do-do-do. This is, no, that's not happening. I'm the one who throws. You're listening to the top, top, top, top like a shoe. Bum, ba-do-do-do-do. I don't care for ba-do-do-do-do.

All right. All right, guys. Well, it's time for one of our favorite features on the show. And one of the first times we ever did, it was the last time you were on the show, Amy. And one top hundred, top hundred. Top is our toll-free telephone number. Not that.

01:16:26,640 --> 01:16:28,320 Open lines, open legs. Nope. It's actually time for the freestyle rap battle. Oh, I'm nervous about this. Oh, no. I'm afraid I might have a sophomore slump. Oh, you were so good last time.

The best that you were a goat. You were greatest of all time, last time. Thank you. I feel like I'm nowhere to go but down. But I'm really going to try my best. All right. So I have a suggestion from our intern Caroline. She has written it on a piece of paper.

I have not looked at it until now. And scorpions. Really? All right. Boy, this is terrible. Too specific, I would say. But all right. We're going to go to, I guess I'll start it off.

Let's see. Here we go. Turn me up. Turn me up in the headphones. Here we go. OK. All right. Well, my name is Rap and Scott.

And I'm here to say it's fun to rap in a scorpion way. Put them in a pail. Put them in a pail. Ooh, you got to watch out for the tail. It'll sting you on your finger. And other places of your body. Body, body, body, body, body, body, body, body, body. And then you'll be sick.

Then you'll be sick. You got to get your dick out over to the doctor. Dicky doctor, ticky tick doctor. Time to see the doctor. Get your doctor on. I'm out. Hey, woo. All right, Amy.

Oh, boy, this is tough. OK. Well, I don't enjoy exotic pets. You can bet all the rest. Better take my name. You know I used to have a dog. I used to have a cat. I used to do that.

I used to give them food. I used to change their moods. I used to be like, what's up, y'all? Let's go get some shoes. I used to buy my dog some shoes. And he would walk down the street and be, what's up, dogs are bitches. Female dogs are bitches.

I'm not saying something bad. Female dogs are bitches. I got my riches. You better take it and buy me some more cars so I can break the sound barrier when I drive fast. I can measure things, make sure that they last. I can talk about the future and the past because I'm on a buy a boa constrictor

and put it around my neck. Exotic pets, all the best. Exotic pets, all the best. Exotic pets, all the best. Come on and get yourself a white monkey. Yeah. All right, Jason. I didn't talk about scorpions.

I mean, it wasn't the theme. Jason, what do you got? All right. DJ Sucs, come into the table to tell you a story about a fable. The scorpion, the tortoise, one needs to get across the river. The tortoise, he can swim.

The scorpion, he cannot. The scorpion asks the tortoise for a ride and the tortoise says, but just sing me. The tortoise says, how can I trust you? And the scorpion says, come on, man, be cool. They get on his back. The tortoise starts to attack. The water, and he swims, and he swims, and he swims.

And the scorpion on the other side, they sting him. Boom, they're both drowning. The tortoise asks, why the fuck did you do them? The scorpion says, bitch, I'm a fucking scorpion. What did you expect? That's a fable on the table. Yeah. So many rhymes.

So many rhymes. No rhymes. I didn't do a rhyme, I did a story rap. That's a fable, that's a fable. All right, like us. My raps are fresh because my pussy is rotten. I get more pussy than your dad ever got. Oh, boy.

I'm hip, I'm hop, I'm down with the cool. I'm ready to bust it like a nut with a fool. Oh. Do-da-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're listening to a time like this program. Oh, boy. Yeah, Tom really got deep there, I guess. Yeah, you're really good.

Call condom jungle. Call condom jungle for all your jungle condom needs. Wait, what are your jungle condom needs? The jungle condom need is when you're going so far deep into that pussy and you know you're not coming out civilized. Yep, we've all been there. Number three.

Great episode. Great episode. For our listeners with sensitive ears, I apologize. There was some language in there. Got a little salty. Got a little salty, but that's Tom Likeis for you. Love him or hate him. That's how he's going to talk.

Usually it's hate him. Yeah, hate him. Yeah, 99.9% of the time. You should hate him. You really should. But hey, friend of the show. Why would you hate him? We are not even sounding like Woody Allen anymore.

Why would you hate him from beyond the grave? Goes to Woody Allen. These episodes that will occur or may occur. I don't know, you know, I just want him to occur. Just think that you and I. All right, sorry about that. Let's tell you what, let's regroup. Let's take a break.

When we come back, we are going to have your number two and your number one. This is our last break. We're going to have two and one right after this. Oh, my God. Hey, guys, Scott Ackerman here. You guys like comedy, right? I mean, you're listening to a show with the word comedy

in the title. Plus, you know, another word bang repeated twice. Well, I have a great new favorite comedy website that is a little guilty pleasure of mine. And what is it? It's ThingX.com. That's right, ThingX.com. It sounds mysterious.

What is it? Well, I'll tell you. The site is a collaboration between Adult Swim and the former writers of The Onion. What? That's right. You had me at former. You didn't even have to, you know, say writers.

I just, I love anything that is retired. Adult Swim, the former writers of The Onion, they've cooked up this site that features original comedy videos and articles with amazing comedic talent, including lots of Friends of the Show, OK? My friends and I were just watching the new series on cinema at the cinema with Friends of the Show, Tim Heidecker, and Greg

Turkington, a.k.a. Neil Hamburger. They are out there reviewing films like Twilight's Breaking Dawn, Part Two, Life of Pie, Red Dawn, Dawn. You can also watch interviews with another friend of the show, Paula Tompkins, A Lobster Man, and more. That's interesting. A Lobster Man.

I want to see an interview with A Lobster Man. Hopefully I've piqued your interest. ThingX.com is influenced by science fiction, horror, how-to videos, and everything you can find on the internet. So go there right now, ThingX.com, to check out Tim and Greg's on-cinema series, and more. I'll see you at ThingX. Comedy bang bang, we're back here with Paula Tompkins,

and we're here, man. We're in the last two. We're at the top two. This is the home stretch, I call it. Yeah, that's right. I'm at home and I'm stretching. That's how I picture it in my mind. Let's do the seventh inning stretch here.

Take me out to the ball game. Da da da da da da da. All right, enough. No, no, no, no, no, no, we're not gonna do it. I would've done it. I know you would've done it. For the record, I would've sung the whole... I know.

Okay. Threeps included. You sounded so weary. I know. We gotta get to our number two and number one, though. But you know what, before we do that, we don't gotta get to it, because let's do a... Buh buh buh buh buh.

Bonus! Oh, shit! I fucked it up. I fucked it up because I didn't say, I hate myself. Take two. That's just an addition to what's happening now. Here we go.

Ready? Take two. Buh buh buh buh. Bonus! Clips. So, this is a bonus clip from episode 184. This was... This episode came out the day before the election.

Wow. Can you imagine such a thing? When we re-elected President Barack Hussein Obamacare. Scott? I feel as if you're injecting some political commentary. Political commentary. I don't mean to do that. In fact, that's what this clip is all about.

You'll hear... Basically, what we have on this is Aziz Ansari from Parks and Recreation. It was on this episode. And my old singing group, we had a capital steps type singing group back in the day called the Washington Monugens. It's me. It's Bob Odenkirk, who you know from Breaking Bad. Saul Goodman, Better Call Saul.

Neil Campbell and Mike Hanford, we were all in this singing group where we sang political parody songs. And the goal on all of these was to never take a stand and never let the audience know how we felt about whatever issue or whatever person we were singing about. Yes, because you want to keep yourself out of the political commentary. You're just saying, hey, all of us... We don't want to lose fans. Yes.

You know what I mean? We want to decide that's 50% of our audience we're saying goodbye to. Absolutely right. You know what I mean? So we didn't want to do that. So let's hear... I thought it'd be fun to hear some of these Washington Monugens songs, which are quite simply terrible.

Oh, yes! Claps. I'm sorry Aziz has to be here to catch my angry spit in his face. You're not supposed to take a stand, Hanford. Who do you think you are? Michael Moore? More, more, more! Michael Moore!

Michael Moore! More, more, more! Michael Moore! Michael Moore! More, more, more! How do you like Michael Moore? More! Oh, yeah.

Good song, guys. That's it? You just said his name? Yeah. There's no jokes about... Speaking of people in the news, someone else we know has been up to a lot lately. Who? He said it, telling, why don't you sing it to people?

Alright, this is a fun one. Here we go. Ready? Aziz, hold on to your socks. Ready? Here we go. That was a whole song? No, I like how we end that one.

That was a whole song. That was it. That was it. Bonus! Clamps. Boy, what do you think of those, Paul? Terrible. Quite simply.

I called it. You know what you did? You were the first guy. But of course you were working from the inside out. That's right. Trying to make change from the inside. Alright, Paul, let us waste no more time and let's get to our number two. Yeah.

Number two. Number two, Paul, if you had to guess, I don't know, what episode would be in here? The end of Mash? The final episode of Mash, you think. Or are we talking about just strictly comedy bang bang episodes? I think at this point, we're just going to have to call from... At this late date? I'm going to say, I know there's one that I hope is not number two.

It is not. You know the one I'm talking about. I do think I know which one you're talking about because number two is a little episode called number 166. No, it is episode 166 and it's an episode called Farts and Procreation 2. Wow. Can you believe it? It's at number two.

That's right. Number two is Farts and Procreation 2. Risky episode because... It's a sequel. It's a sequel. The proposition is, can you recreate the magic much less improve upon the magic of the first... I don't even want it. You almost got me to say it.

Yeah, I almost got it. Ooh. That was... I treat you into being on this best of podcast and see if I can get you to say the word Fart. It's like I'm Mr. Missalplix. From the fifth dimension? Yeah. No, this is a sequel to an episode we did in 2011 which topped...

It was number one on the 2011 best of. Yeah, yeah. Farts and Procreation. This was the sequel to it and obviously we did not top it because it slipped to number two. No, but you almost met... I mean, that was a high order. Pretty high up. Pretty high up.

It's almost as high as you can go. Just about, yeah. Yeah. And this episode has three people from the Parks and Recreation show on it. It has Star Adam Scott. That's right. It has non-stars, yet writers, Harris Whittles and Chelsea Peretti. Correct.

Writers are not stars and nor will they ever be. The four of us got together and tried to recreate the atmosphere of the first episode that we all did together which was crazy and a wild loopy episode. I have a question for you after the clip. Okay, so this episode we tried to recreate it. First of all, let's hear just a brief clip before we get into the main clip. A smidgenette. Yes, because I believe we reference it in the main clip.

But this is a song that Chelsea and I recorded backstage at the UCB called To True Mon Frère. Yeah. To True Mon Frère. To True Mon Frère. To True Mon Frère. To True Mon Frère. To True Mon Frère. To True Mon Frère.

To True Mon Frère. Great song, right there. Undisputable. Already deserves number two. Absolutely. Just for having that song. I'll say it does. But this clip, this is, in the first episode, Adam and Harris debuted their characters,

Jack and Carl, two men who worked together at the lumber yard. That's right. So... What are their last names? There's Carl Sid Jr. and Jack Pieces. Or vice versa, I can't remember. I do characters. So in this clip, they're going to show us some new character work with some new great

characters. Yeah. And some brand new voices, some brand new physicality. That's right. I mean, they're going to give Adam Palli a run for his money. So let's hear it. This is from Farts and Pro 2. This is your number two.

Creek. Number two. Should we debut our... Because Harris and I have a couple new characters. Yeah. Oh, you have some new characters. Thank you. No wonder you wanted to get out of those skins.

So quickly. Yeah, we have new characters. Okay. These are two guys. Okay. And... Two guys? Anything more needs to be said about them?

They're two guys. So two males. Yeah, yeah. Okay, ready? Okay, great. Here we go. Debut of two new cracks. Slam open.

Slam open. Can't seem to make up his mind. Slam open. Slam open. Just walk in. Sit down. Sorry for opening and closing the door so many times. Yeah, I mean, this place is air conditioned.

Yeah, I have OCD. Oh, okay. I understand. Everyone has their problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi. Hey. Hi.

You're a male. Yeah. You're a guy. Yeah, we're two guys. Okay. Hey. How are you? My name's Blaze.

His name's Blaze. Hey, Blaze. What's your name? Scott Ockerman. Hi, Scott. Hi, Blaze. Hey. Three new cracks.

No, I'm just kidding. Blaze. My name's Chelsea. Oh, okay. That's funny. I'm Blaze. Oh, that's funny. Good joke.

Oh, thank you. Blaze, and what's your name? Rodney. It's Rodney Og. But my friends call me Rod. Og. Rodog. Rodog.

Okay. Yeah. Hey, Blaze. Hey, Rodog. How's it going? Great. Can I just say that you guys are both males? Yeah, yeah.

Neither of you are women. Nah, we're guys. Yeah. Through and through. Full on dudes. Through and through. Cool. So...

What's up with you? What's your story? What happens? Chelsea. Hey, let's... Why do we talk about... I mean, you guys are strangers to us. Maybe we should hear about you.

Yeah, it seems kind of intense to just say that to someone. Yeah, but you just meant... Blaze wants to know what your deal is. So, who are you? It's Rod. I don't know who Blaze is. It's Rodog. And I definitely don't know who Rodog is.

Rodney Og. His friends call him Rodog. I bet they do. Yeah. Yeah, they do. Are we your friends yet? No. I'm Rodney to you.

Okay, Rodney. Well, why don't you tell us what your deal is? What? We work... For our livings? Yeah. What our living deal is? Yeah, I mean, just what's your life like?

Oh, well, we... I guess the nuts and bolts, we work at... You know, those little things on headphones, like little plastic things that slide up and down to keep the headphones kind of together so they don't tangle? Yeah. To keep the blue streams either apart or together. We call them blue streams.

They're just wires. Yeah. Oh, okay. Sure. I guess I don't know that much about headphones. Clearly. They're called Clintons. All right, Blaze.

You don't have to be so hot. You don't know shit about Clintons. You probably don't know a lot about my deal. You put a Clinton on a blue stream, slide it up and down. All right. And so, you know, it takes a machine to make those. Okay. We make the machines that make those machines.

Okay. We call them... We call the Clinton, we call it a machine. Because what it's... Bill Clinton? I'm sorry? Yes, they're named after him. So you're not that far off.

I love him. Yeah, he's the best. He's like the first black president. And he played sacks on our sin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When he...

He died for our sin. When he was campaigning for his first run-up, by first, I mean the second one in 96. Sure. He came back... We all know what you mean. He came by the factory and said, hey, that's a great gadget you got going there. And we thought, well, we should name this after him. But we thought his name was Bill Clinton.

And we love Bill Clinton's cartoons, too. And Martha Plimpton was also a dear friend of yours at the time I heard. Yes. Yep. You know. Through the case, but... You totally know about us already. Well, I just put it together.

Your blaze and... Rod Niel. Rod Niel. Rod Dog. Yeah, I think we have a mutual friend. Who is it? Charlize? Do you know a girl named Charlize?

Like a blonde girl? One of my good friends. I only know one Charlize and she's a movie star. I know Charlize Heen. Yeah, it's Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen? Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen.

Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen. Heen.

Yeah. Charlize Heen. Yeah. Yeah, that's how you say it. Okay. Is he Armenian? Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen.

So we are friends with him. Yeah, he said a bunch of stuff about you guys. Like good stuff? Not all of it. No. What did he say that was bad? He said like you guys are ball hogs in basketball. When you guys play like on weekends.

I remember he said raw dogs are ball hog. Yeah. Yeah. And he said that Martha Plimpton hanged out with you but she didn't really like you. That's rough. What did he say? That's really shitty of him. That's really rough.

Why would he say that? That's just that it's hurtful. So guys what are you doing here? Oh boy. I can't tell she's crying because of that information she imparted. I'm about to cry outside. I love Martha Plimpton. I don't like no one she doesn't like us.

What's she do? She had a breakdown. Raising hopes, Martha Plimpton? Nope. Don't own a TV. Don't own a home. Oh. Yeah.

Well at least your priorities are in order. We live in the Plimpton factory. So you live where you work. Is it a work-live situation? Yeah. I just said we live in the Plimpton factory. A live-work situation. It's literally 5 a.m.

We gotta go to work. How do you know? How many hours of sleep are we gonna get now? A raw dog. How do you know when you're working and when you're living? Well we actually have a rule. If you're working you always have to have a hard hat on. If you're living you always have to have a margarita.

That's a great rule. Just for a life for anyone out there. I think that's a great rule. Actually our first album is called Artats and Margaritas. Wait you guys are musicians? Yeah. We have a bunch of albums. I didn't know that.

Wait. Blaze and Raw Dog? I had no idea. Yeah. Artats and Margaritas. Artats and Margaritas. Yeah. Okay.

Well... You should tell them the name of our second album. So the name of our second album. Have you ever seen a sunset? What is it? Shit. What is one? Actually it's fine.

The album is called You Gotta Check Out A Sunset. So I guess that definitely applies to you guys. Yeah. In parentheses if you haven't seen one. Blaze I'm gonna have to insist that you give us the name of your third record. Yeah you got to man. Oh the third record. When was the last time you guys went on like a super long walk through a city and then

just to the outskirts where it turns into either the woods, the desert or just like walking right into the ocean. Just depending on where the city is. I love that title. That's amazing. Very young. Wow. That's like Fiona Apple-esque.

Yeah. I gotta get back to my kids. How many kids do you have? 12. What are their ages? One. One. One.

One. One. One. One. One. One. One. One.

Eight. So wait you had, I don't even know what to call 11 identical. No they might not be identical he could have impregnated 11 women. Oh that's true. No I didn't. There was an 11 attempts. 11 attempts? 11 attempts to impregnate your wife once.

It's called an 11-a-tumplet. Okay. 11-a-tumplet. And then an 8-year-old. And then an 8-year-old. Wow. You're a little married. Is the mother?

No. No she's not. You have time to take that back. You can't take it back right now. We give you one take back in your improv. We had her artificially inhibited. You have one take back reminder. I didn't have sex with her.

We still got that reminder floating out there. I didn't have sex with her. But we did put eggs and cement in her. But raw eggs. OTB. So we did incubate the 11 children inside of her. Also at the factory we can do that. Yeah.

At the Clemson factory. It's sort of a medical. Okay. Yeah. Improv shows would be good if you allowed every performer one take back. I say no take backs. What's an improv show? Number two.

Oh. Great clip, huh? It was a great clip. Here's what I want to ask you. Yes, sir. I'm at your disposal. Did... Oh, this is that time of year where you have to answer any question I ask.

That's right. New Year's Eve. Yeah, it's full moon. Did it feel the same? Did the energy feel the same as the first time you had that combination of people? It was just as fun. I will say I love doing stuff with those three people in that combination. It was just as fun.

Obviously Chelsea is laughing so hard and I listened back to this last night and it's just as fun to listen to. She was trying to catch a plane, by the way, if you're wondering why she keeps saying... She was like going to the airport right after this and it was just stretching on and on and we were getting weirder and weirder and crazier and crazier. I would have died of anxiety if I'd been in that situation. Why would she ever schedule that? It was the only time that we could do it, to get these four people in a room together.

It's like Ellie's Comet, right? It's like all those times that you hear about like Paul McCartney was going to come over and over to John Lennon's apartment. That's right. You know when they were going to jam together but he never did. They were going to go eat instead some scrambled eggs. That's right. They were going to get together and just jam and hate each other like they used to.

Hey, John. I'm thinking of eating some scrambled eggs. Don't do it. I think you're a sellout for doing it. Oh, well, still me mum likes some. Why don't you eat poached eggs? It's more artistic. We've always hated each other.

Aren't you the biggest creep in the world? Isn't Ellie creep bigger than me? Go back and listen to the 2011 best stuff for more from those two. I forgot about that. But yeah, I mean, getting... Look, I'm just glad that we were able to get all four of us back in a room together. It could not happen. Some people said it would not happen.

Some people said it should not happen. These people were trying to prevent it from happening. It was like something out of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Codes. But instead we played some could have, should have, would have with you and we got us all back in the room together and that's what we heard. That's right. Well, Paul, I think that it is that time. Thanks for having me.

No, no, no, no, my friends. There is one number yet to go. Can I, before we get to this clip. May I have your impression of my favorite moment from the movie Lincoln? Sure. Where they're... Lincoln. Where Tommy Lee Jones is hurling around the craziest old timey insults

that even back then how can anyone be offended by it? And I like how they all start with like a will the respected senator from Des Moines realize that? Yeah. Like such preamble on his insults. And they're the most, they're the most florid, ridiculous things and I can't imagine even back then that anyone would be like this is an outrage that you said this to me.

I mean, you're in front of people. You say that to me? Yeah. And then everybody looks ridiculous, of course. Maybe that's why. They're all wearing foppish wigs. Yeah. But this...

And ridiculous mustachios. Tommy Lee Jones says something to this one guy and then the camera zooms under this guy and he goes How dare you? Hey, I guess if you're willing to talk that way I can see how you'd be insulted by somebody calling you some sort of addressed up dog of a dandy doodle. You think they'd just drop it for me and go, hey, shut up, man.

Fuck you. Has anyone ever said fuck you on the floor of the house? Whatever. I mean, has that ever happened? Oh man, I want to hear it. Has anyone ever said it? Has anyone ever gone fuck you? That's a super cut.

I want to hear it. Yeah. All the times fuck you has ever been said on the floor. Well, Paul, thank you for that. And that's all the time we have. We can't get to our number one question. Oh, I'm sorry you guys. I used up all the time.

No. Of course we have time for this. Fun. This is our and your number one. Number one. That's right. Number one. And it is from your 150th episode.

A very special episode called Time Bobby. And Paul, this is one of your favorite episodes. This is a personal favorite of mine. I noticed on Twitter you got out the vote. I did. You were beating the drums for this episode. I campaigned on behalf of this episode. Let me give a little backstory about the voting, by the way.

I wish you would. This episode and Farts and Procreation 2 were neck and neck. There was actually one vote separating them and being constantly swapped. All of a sudden Farts and Pro would be one vote ahead and then Time Bobby. Until you tweeted that you wanted people to vote for it and then all your fans came out and now it's about 300 ahead.

So congratulations to you. It worked. Well, I will say thank you to everyone who voted for this episode. I'm glad they did. This is one of my favorite episodes. I talked about it on the AV club. I guess what do they call that feature where I talked about

three episodes from it and this is one that I picked that I wanted to talk about. Podmas? No, not podmas, but something about like, hey, these are three episodes that I like from my podcast and you get interviewed. Anyway, you can check that out. Oh, yeah, that segment.

Yeah, that's up right now. I'm not familiar with that segment because I'm ineligible. You'll get there, Tomcast. It's not, hey, pick your favorite Tomcast episodes. Why not? That'll come. That'll come. They get to everything there.

No, this is one of my favorite episodes. Let me set the scene here a little bit. I had friend of the show, Andrew Lloyd Webber is on. That's right. He is the writer of such musicals as Phantom of the Opera. Yes. Cats. Jesus Christ Superstar.

Yes. Joseph and his amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Les Miserables. I assumed for many years until someone just pointed out to me like, no, it's not. It should have been. Yeah. Seems like it could have been.

Get on that KLW. Yeah. Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber, why don't you get on Having Written Les Miserables. Les Miserables, yeah. Or rewrite it. You know what I mean? Rewrite that shit.

You can rewrite anything you want. No one can stop you. Do a reboot. That's right. I mean, the story's out there. Do your own music for it. Yeah, it's got to be public domain. Yeah, it has.

At this point in this economy, come on. Under Brock Hussein Obamacare. So this is at the beginning of the clip, I'm talking to Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber for a bit. And we're talking about his career. And then in the middle of the clip, a very interesting person comes in. An urchin.

A street urchin. We don't mean to spoil it, but yes, a little orphan from off the street comes in. Just a little guy. We talk to him for quite a bit. He's adorable. There is a very interesting ending to this and one of the best endings to any of our episodes, I believe, of all time.

So let's hear that. This is your number one. It's time, Bobby. Number one. So first, may I say, at this point, this is a rare that I do such a thing. Scottrick, you may ask me anything. Nothing is out of bounds. Nothing is off limits.

It's all fair in love and war and this interview. We may chat about this, that even the other thing, which I have here to for forbidden any journalist to ask me about. Right. All right. Well, let me try to delve deep then. I am an open book and lyrics. I would love to ask you something just maybe that no one has ever asked you

before. I dare you to do so. All right. Who would you say are the two main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar? This is an excellent question. No one has ever asked me this. Usually, everyone just knows. If I were to, if I were to state definitively who the main two characters are in Jesus

Christ Superstar. Also, you could expand it to main three, too. Oh, I like the way you think. This is certainly, this is two unasked questions in a row. The main two characters are in order, I would say. Oh, in order of importance or in order of appearance? Both. Okay, great.

No, I can't remember who appears first. Please don't hold me to that. I believe Judas appears first. All right. Then this would be in order of importance. Okay. In my mind. The curtain rises.

Yes. Lights up. Both of those kind of usually at the same time. Everyone is told backstage, stop whistling. Stop saying Macbeth. And then all of a sudden, Judas appears on stage. That's right. And you hear that famous refrain.

Always there are some booze in the audience. Yes, always. They recognize him booze. Then Judas twirls his mustache. That's right. He puts on his top hat. Yes. He stands up from the train tracks.

And then he... Where is Ty Jesus Christ? And he asks Mary Magdalene for the rent. That's right. She says, I cannot pay this rent, you ask. Yes. And he says, ah, but I am Judas Iscariot. And I demand you pay 30 rents.

30 pieces of rent. Yes. 5,200 rents. 600 rents. Yes. And then Jesus bursts from his ropes. And he says, Jesus smash. Then he goes on a rampage.

Smashing this and that. The military has called in. Yes, of course. And they start firing at him. But the shells just bounce off of his skin. He says, you make Jesus angry. Puny humans. Puny humans.

Yes. Then punches pilot comes in. Yes. And he says... And he punches punches. He punches punches. Who becomes a pilot, gets in a plane. But he can't fly it because he's so scared of the controls being dirty.

He keeps washing his hands. Yes, of course. The plane crashes. Yes. Jesus resurrects everyone for the plane crash. Smash cut too. It's 20 years later. The Skydead Corporation has taken over all of Judea.

Yes. Oh, my goodness. Now, many of you have probably not seen this program because you're not theater nerds like us. No, no. I imagine you like your sporting events. Yes. Crickets. Your North American baseball.

Your North American football. What's that? Football. Hmm. It sounds familiar. It's a game where it has a quarterback and he touches the ball with his foot a lot. Oh, you mean like English soccer? Yes, of course.

Yes. Okay. So, um, and that's Jesus Christ Superstar and there's the character. Okay, fantastic. Well, I have many more questions like this, so... I hope you have thousands of thousands. So, here we go. The more probing, the better.

Okay. You may ask me personal things. It doesn't need to just be work related. I'm giving you carte blanche. Okay. All right. Personal questions. How do you feel about the main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar?

Do you feel like they're the right ones that you picked and who are they? Do you know, Scottrick, I have conversations with the characters from my musicals. Almost every... Who's that knocking? This is highly irregular. No. This has never happened in the middle of the nigger. What?

Who's this little regga muffin? Hello. Look at this street urchin. Hello. Hello. Who are you, son? Speak up, boy. Are you Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Why, yes I am. Oh, it's nice to meet you. What a smart young child you are. Oh, my God. Hi. Hello. Hello, young man. I'm a fan.

You're a fan of the musical theater? Yeah. And my work in it in particular? Yeah. I was lost and I heard your voice out. I took it. I say you recognized my voice? Yeah.

You were outside of the building? Well, it wouldn't recognize that voice. Wait, hold on. I like the cut of this young man's jeep. I do, too. I do, too. But this is... You're lost in the building, young man?

I got lost. I'm so sorry. I was outside. I was so lost and I heard the voice. So I came in because I'm hungry. I was looking for scraps. How long have you been lost? For a couple years.

For what? A couple years, you see? Yeah. That's a long time to be lost, little boy. I don't ever watch your account. That's why I don't know the exact time. Do you know the day that you... Yeah.

You borrowed my calendar? It was the third really? Yes, there you are. The Andrew Lloyd Weathers calendar. Wow. What's on that calendar? It's huge. Look at this calendar.

What's on there? It's beautiful. So many days. Aside from the days, he scribbled little appointments on there. Tell us some of those. It's got one new topic of a film he's doing, first film ever. Oh, wait a minute. A new film.

This is a scoop. He's never ventured into that. I know, because I follow his work a great deal. Well, you've been gone for the last two years, though. How would you know if he's talked about it? Newspapers. Oh, okay. Do you see newspapers every day?

Yeah, that's what I sleep on, because I don't got a home. Oh, these newspapers don't have a date on them? They do, but I only got one good eye. Oh, I feel like a fool for asking that. Seems like plenty to read a date on a newspaper, though. I'm sorry. One good one? Yeah.

Seems like you could read a date. Kind of, but let's not get down to breath tax or anything. All right, no, I'm sorry to press you on this. Leave the little boys. You have to excuse me. I'm starving, so I'll get real on edge sometimes. Scotchery, do we have any food here at the studio? Just scraps, any kind of scraps.

I mean, all I have is sort of the fat that I cut off of my steak. That would be the greatest. I don't know. I don't want, you know, I mean, it's bad for your health. I don't know. I was saving that for my dog. He is a rag a muffin. I'm better than a dog.

I'm a human boy. He does outright dogs. All right, here, have my table scraps. Thank you. Here you go. Wait, don't, you're eating the foil. You're eating the swan foil, please. There's vitamins in the foil.

No, please unwrap it if you could. Okay. Yeah, okay. You're very hungry. Thank you so much. I haven't eaten in years. Wow. Is that medically possible for you to survive that long?

I don't know. I don't got a real doctor. Fair enough. That makes sense. We, see, we're just using, you know, using science that we know. But you say a doctor would be able to tell you if not eating. A doctor could tell you anything. It's the most trusted man in the business world.

And to be fair, Scottrick, perhaps we've become used to medical advances that have happened in the last two years. That's true. Perhaps we know that doctors can tell people that... Yeah, that's what I was saying. Yeah, so it's commonplace to us now, but for this little boy, He doesn't know. ...emerging from the fog of two years ago.

Hmm. Just a little bit. Do you remember it, 2010? Oh, I wish I could. Oh, no, actually 2009, because we take this in 2011. No, that's right. I keep forgetting that. Yeah, we take it a year in advance.

I keep forgetting it's 2011. Yeah. That's because I got your calendar. That's exactly why. It's a clever boy. Give him back his calendar. Give him back your calendar back. Yeah, I give you all these table scraps once as big as yourself.

Oh, thank you. Where did you get so many table scraps? I was just always carrying them around. Really? For what purpose? For just such an occasion. In case I meet orphans. Well, have my orphanage.

You could take me if you want. I could put me in musicals. Are you, dear boy? Are you an orphan? I used to be an actor. Is that so? Yeah. You've trod the boards.

I did musical theatre when I was just a baby boy. Is that... What productions would I have seen any of these? I was in Jesus Christ Superstition. Well, that's fine! Yeah. What role did you play? That's what Jesus Christ...

He's one of the... He's one of the main three! Can I... May I be condoned? Sure. He's the main number one. Wow! The most important character.

All right. Jesus Christ Superstar. So you played Jesus Christ Superstar, so... We just called him Jesus Christ in the musical. So can you sing one of the songs for us? I wore my coat with golden lining. I love it when Jesus wears his coat in that show. It's like he shows it off and he's really...

Because it's a big coat. It's real nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It must have looked even bigger on you. You're just a little baby boy. I still got it. What? I still got it.

Really? Yeah. Why aren't you wearing it now? Got stolen. Oh no! You don't still got it after all. I was on the street sleeping and a man took it. Now, they may ask you, young man.

What are the curious circumstances that led you to be a homeless little fellow? My parents were dead. Oh! So did you run away from an evil orphanage, a la Annie? Yeah, and a rich man took me in for a little while and they got me into a theater program. Oh, that's so nice of him. So that was nice. Sort of broaden your horizons.

I just wanted scraps. Well, I'm sure that if he was a rich man, you could have eaten anything. He was a very rich man. Ice cream sundaes? He gave me all the good food. Ice cream sundaes. He gave me a banana once. I put it on the ice cream sundae and that's how the banana spread got created.

I don't know if you know that fact. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. I have to ask you, young man. Well, the second time it was created. Oh, no further questions. So when you created it, when it became something in your mind? Yeah.

Okay, great. I had never seen one before. Okay. So you actually created it because you'd never seen one before and you were heard of one? Yeah, I create things all the time. I just created it. I can just, you know... Well, someone can invent something even if it exists.

Yes, if they don't know it exists, they think they've invented it. It's like someone who writes a joke that already exists. You still wrote the joke. Great minds think alike as they say. Yeah, baby. I just made that up right now. I'm sorry to tell you. This is the creation.

Your man, Austin Powers, has copyrighted that. What's up, Austin Powers? He was a great... You've been gone for longer than two years. A great agent, MI6. So what happened to the rich man, though? He put you into this theater program and then... He threw me away.

It was a little dumb stuff. It was crazy. Hello. So you were in a theater program? I was walking the streets looking for scraps in a very rich part of town. And the rich man picked me up and he said... I said, yeah. Okay.

And he put me in a theater program. Okay. But what happened then? I don't understand because you're under the care of a rich man. It seems like you... I get... Sometimes I can be a bit much. Oh, you're a handful.

Yeah. But Scotland is right, normally, for an orphan to become under the care of a rich man. It is a conservation devoutly to be wished by orphans. But you're saying it was through some personality quirk of your own? Yeah, I get stabby. What's that? What is that? No, I'm not familiar with American slang.

What does that mean? Cranky? I live on the street, so I gotta know how to take care of myself and be a tough guy. Certainly. Oh. And sometimes I get stabby. Again, I'm not familiar with this term. I think what he's trying to say, Lord ALW, is that...

Please call me Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Please call him that until he deserves the respect. There you go. You're welcome. What is your name on the way? We have a name after you. My name? Is it Fagan?

It's Forville. Forville. It's like Fival, but one less. So... Wait, what was I saying? Oh, Stabby. Stabby, I think what he's trying to say is he actually stabs people. Oh, yeah.

All the time. Is that what you mean? You gotta take care of yourself. You gotta know how to stab or else you'll get, you know... Are you carrying a weapon? Well, you're not wrong there. Are you carrying a weapon right now on your purse? I'm not carrying it.

It's in my pocket. What? You don't... Oh, semantics. He's got you. Okay. Technically his pocket is carrying it. My hands are all greasy from the scraps, so I don't want to get it out of the knife

because then the stabby won't be so accurate. And to be fair, you did make him unwrap the scraps. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, that actually is in our favor in case he wants to pull that knife. It may slip out of his hands. Why, why so ever should he want to pull that knife? No, you guys seem nice. We are?

I am. So did your father figure, the rich guy, I would imagine. No, he was nice. He was nice. Why, why, why, why were you compelled to become so, as you put it, stabby? He's got a mouth on him. He don't know when to stop. Is that so?

Why? What was some of the... You tell me to clean my room and I'm not ready to clean my room. Fucking please. Oh, oh, oh. Young man. Yeah. Forval.

Don't fuck with me. Forval. Forval, come on now. I mean, I hesitate to even criticize you. It's okay. I like your show. I'm a fan of the show too. Oh, wait, you know this show as well?

Of course. How did you get lost right outside my building then? I got lost all over the place, but right outside I heard the beautiful voice and I came to it. I didn't even know. It was like, it was pulling me towards like a rapture. So you've been gone for two years. It's 2011 right now because we taped the show a year in advance.

So how have you even heard the show? Have you been listening outside the door this whole time? Sometimes I'll just go up close to people's ears when they have headphones in, try and listen in on the streets. Oh, that's not annoying. Yeah. No, they hate it. Well, I curse those people.

You're an adorable little fellow. Thank you. I would be delighted to show you. Coming from you, that's a dream. I would feel much more comfortable if you disarmed yourself. If you just sort of put that out on the table and just... That's one. That's one large knife.

I wanted a butterfly knife. I invented that. In what way did you invent that? Because that's an actual professional knife. I just, I thought of it. So I bought it. You bought it. You didn't.

I mean... Well, sometimes I like to say that's inventing things. I'd never had one before and I'd never seen it. So when I bought it, I said, now this is something I could get used to. Young masterful. I'll ask you, when you say butterfly knife, are you referring to the shape? Or its purpose? I have killed many butterflies.

By knife? Yeah, because they don't know when to fucking... Oh, again? Young fellows. They just fly near you and it's in your personal space and you gotta teach these fucking things a lesson. Oh, please. Where did you learn this kind of language? The streets.

Oh, okay. There you go. Now you have it. Yeah, it's the streets. So what exactly... So did the policeman take you away? No, I ran out and grabbed what I could in my bendal and I went out into the streets. You grabbed your coat of many colors?

Yeah, Mike. I still had that. I said, break me my color coat. Now did you... And I ran out into the streets. The servants brought you... Yeah. And they weren't frightened of you from...

No, they couldn't. I'm nice to them, but they know what they crossed me. May I say a sculpture? And of course, four will know this from his experience with this rich elderly man. Well, servants, they do their jobs and they do... If they're good servants, they do them impeccably well. It would be crossing a boundary for a servant. To presume.

To presume. Someone from the upstairs, for sure. You gotta know your place. You have to know your... It's true. Now on this, we do agree. I have seen downtown Abbey, so I know... Yeah.

Scottrick. Yes. Oh, my word. What's wrong? Even I know that. Like Vickerdale's on the chalkboard of my ear drums. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm talking about my favorite program, Downtown Abbey.

Oh, you said it twice now. Oh, God. He is... I love that show. I'm the biggest downtown Abbey fan in there. I'm getting stabby. I'm getting stabby. I don't want...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go for it, go. I won't bring it up anymore. Can I ask something about your coat? Sure. You say it's a coat of many colors. Yeah. Are you sure it's not just a white coat that has a lot of red blood stains on it?

Are you fucking kidding me right now? Don't fool. It's my amazing, technicolor dream coat. Steady. I just wanted to make sure that... It's just treadlight weight. It's all on the thing. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I think you do best to take the last advice. All right, we'll do it. There is blood on the coat, but it's of many. It's the blood of many. They play so different colors. So, wait a minute. Are you trying to say that Spock's green blood?

I killed Leonard Nimoy. Who is this? You killed Leonard Nimoy. This morning. This morning. Watch, watch. In 2011... In 2011.

I hope no one will ever hear of this. Okay, let me check. Excuse me. Oh, okay. I'm back. No, no one's heard of it. Oh, thank you. Next year.

That's okay. The guy in the movie's not the real guy. It's an imposter. Oh, my God. Because I think I checked and no one has ever seen the headline, director of three men and a baby has been killed. I heard if you watch that film, you could see the background of one of the scenes. Where Ted Danson is throttling Steve Gutenberg to death.

Saying, why did you make us have a baby? We're only two men. It's very early in the film. In the background, you could see Leonard Nimoy being stabbed to death. Oh, my God. There's a shotgun, too, for a second, but... Turns out it was just a cardboard cut out of William Shatner drowning his wife. Oh, dear.

All right. My wife. All right. All right. Let's get back on track here because we've gone off the rails. Good luck to you. A little bit here. I did have one question, though, for you.

For me? Yeah. You said I could ask about anything. Anything at all. Yeah. I have one really specific question about... I want to get deep with you here. Yes.

Can you tell me what were the colors of Joseph's coat? Of course I can. Let me see if I remember correctly. It was red and yellow, green, brown, scarlet, black. I think there was an ochre, peach, ruby. Olive, violet, fawn. Memory says lilac. Gold, of course.

Chocolate. Move. I think there was also a little bit of cream in there. Have I said crimson yet? I think there was crimson. Silver, of course. Something else from the red palette. Rose, azure, lemon, russet.

Great. Did you say crimson? I believe I said crimson, yes. He said it. Purple. He said it. Just let him do his thing. Quite, even though it's the absence of color.

Pink, orange, red, yellow, green, brown. Did I say scarlet, black, and ochre? Yes. You know what it is? I'm seeing them in my mind. And in my mind, Joseph is turning around. He's doing a spin, a 360. He's showing it off.

He's being a real dandy. I'm seeing them all over again from the beginning. I feel like you've forgotten a really important one. Did he say crimson? He said crimson. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Gentle, please.

This is most unseemly. This kid. Oh, blue, yes. I don't know why I couldn't think of blue. Maybe the most popular color of all. This kid bugs me. Stop being such a fucking bitch. Oh, please.

Why don't you practice your butterfly knifing for just a little bit? Let the grown-ups talk. Just try to stab around your fingers. Have you ever done anything like that? Mumbly pig. Yes. Are you really going to adopt this kid?

I've never been more terrified my entire life. You're not acting like it. I have to say that you're a very good actor. I'm trying to appease this monster. I think you'll be really good on Smash then. Do you think so? Yes, because I mean, I would never have guessed. Is it a bit of a cheat I'm playing myself?

I think it's not a stretch necessarily, but sometimes you have to ease into something. You know, I loved the player where they're all playing themselves and everyone had a great fun. I mean, it's a lot like how Chris Rock had to play a crack addict before he could move on to being head of state. Yes, that's right. You know what I mean?

He's wonderful in that film. He's so great. Wonderful. Scottrick, I need you to spear it to me away from the studio. I don't know that I have the resources to do that. What exactly do you mean? You said I'm an English lord, you simply must. Well, radio to a helicopter pilot

and have him throw down a rope ladder. We don't have one of those. I mean, we just have this sort of... I mean, we just have kind of a strange hatch that leads into a hidey hole, like a spider hole. Can I squeeze into this hidey-holing spider hatch? I guess you could, but I mean, the thing is... Okay, goodbye.

Wait, it's hidden. That's the... I'll find it. Okay. Goodbye. Well... I hope not forever. I hope not forever.

But goodbye. Okay. Hey, Fourville. Hey. So, how'd that game go? It went good. I think that was practice in my night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looks good. Where did my daddy go? Oh, you didn't see him go away? No. Huh. Yeah, you had your back turned. He must be going to get the room ready, the cage room. Yeah, that sounds good to you, huh?

Yeah, I can't wait. I'm gonna spend a whole year inside that cage. Finally feel loved and be just like a real boy. I say, is he gone? Oh, shit. Sartreck, give me the all-clear. Oh, my God. Sound the all-clear.

Scott, did you try to pull fast one on me? I didn't pull anything. I was... Surely he's gone by now. Oh! Hello, Fourville. Hi, Daddy. You were literally gone for 60 seconds.

That's not enough time to get rid of anyone. I just thought he would have killed you and got bored and wandered off. I hope that's not rude. You were willing to sacrifice me? Not willing to sacrifice you, but willing to turn a blind eye. Should you be sacrificed? You're not listening to me. No, I can't hear sometimes.

Okay. I hope this is one of those times. That's my one good ear. It seems like even with one ear you'd be able to hear. What? Never mind. Got it. So, no, I didn't pull a fast one on you.

I was looking in the same direction as you and this guy just like totally turned around. He tried to get out of here. This guy is a Lord Atroloid, by the way. Look, I'm not going to lie. I understand. Oh, yeah. Is that what adults usually do? That's my favorite, and I really wanted to live with you, but, you know, I got a lot

of baggage and stuff, so. For though it seems my most certain death, will you please let me adopt you? Oh, I know it. Oh, my gosh. This is the greatest day of my life. Please become my murderous son. May I reward? Oh, reward.

Let's see how it goes. Ward first. Yeah, like a robin type. Yes, we'll solve some crimes. Yeah. You feel anti-justice? Sweet. I got a sweet little outfit on, too, so.

Now that I see it, yes, it is rather reminiscent of your rags and tatters I just assumed were clothes that were wearing off of you are actually very carefully constructed, a robin costume. Yeah. Wow. This is amazing. I've always wanted to visit your place, and you've never invited me. Well, no. Surely you didn't expect an invitation.

You're on this program so many times. Yes, how many times have I been invited, dear boy? One. Yes, and this is that time? Now I would like to be invited to your place. Well, why don't you try bursting into my home a few times? Yeah, try it. And then we'll see how it goes.

It seems to lead to invitations. All right. Well, burst in and see what happens. Oh, I like this. So it seems like you have some sort of like little attack dog here at the ready now that you're going to keep in a cage and you're going to have to protect your house. Please don't talk that way about my ward. Who's also my Vihilante justice partner?

I mean, I thought that you and I were cool on this. Look, I'm terrified of him. Why did you say that you were going to adopt him? I'm trying to appease him. Are you going to try to ditch him? No, I'm going to try to escape at the earliest convenience, don't you understand? You're not actually going to adopt him? I can't know.

Why would I? He's a stabbing little maniac. Well, how do we get rid of this guy? I don't know. I think the only thing to do is to try to outreach him to one of these knives and kill him. All right, the knives are back on the table. Yeah. But I think the mistake that we made the last time was that we announced that we were going

to all reach for the knife. Yes, yes, I think you're right. But we should do a jump on him. Yes. We should reach for these knives before he does. So that way we have at least like a half second before he... I say, should we have a code word? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What should the code word be? A knife? A knife grab. Knife grab. Okay, so if either of us has knife grab, then we're both going to reach for the... Not a grab knife. This has to be crystal clear. Okay.

Knife grab. Knife grab. How can we remember that? You would have a knife. There has to be some mnemonic... Yes, a mnemonic device. Let's see. Let us know that when we grab the knife, we want to say knife grab.

Knife grab. The signal is a knife grab. How do we remember? Knife. To grab the knives when we hear the term knife grab. Well, K stands for kid. Yes, he's a kid. Yes.

N stands for naughty. He's a naughty kid. Yes, he is. Kid, naughty. I stands for I. I'm going to grab a knife. Yes, I am the person. F stands for friend.

He's not our friend. Friend. E stands for education, which is every child should have an education. Yes. So that would be very easy to remember. Also, every good boy deserves fun. That's true. Okay.

So that's... G. Yes, G. Go ahead. I did knife. You can do... Of course. F stands for...

G stands for... Gansooks. I'm terrified that this little child is going to stab me with a knife. Okay. I must rest the knife away from his control. Good. And therefore, gain the upper hand. Okay.

Fantastic. So remember that. All right. Sands for... Really? Don't you think it's time you grabbed the knife? Okay. Good.

A, we're up. A stands for... Here we are. A shame it would be. We're this little boy to grab the knife first. Okay. And stab us. It's okay.

And then, of course, that leads us to the last letter, B. B. Boy. Boy. Okay. So we have it for kid. Let's review. Kid.

Kid. Kid. Kid. Kid. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. This is your friend. E, every good boy deserves fudge.

Its true. And education. That's right. To all meaning. AẞI. G. Gazooks. Gazooks.

This little boys, we're gonna stab me. Steps, I have to grab the knife before he does and stabs me. Besides before he does and stabs me, yes. Knife, November. He was listening! He has one good ear! No! No!

I am stabbed! I am stabbed! I am stabbed! Oh my God. No! Help me! Help me! I am stabbed!

I am slain! Oh, herpity! I'm playing on your lack of a house! Number one. Oh boy, Paul. What do you think? Your number one episode. That I'm pleased as a punches pilot.

That, uh... The aforementioned punches pilot that we were just talking about. And there you go. I was pleased as he. As that great man. That this was, uh, number one. I enjoyed this episode so much. Yes.

It seemed like it was so much fun to record. It was. I can tell you that. I can tell you that from, uh, from me and from Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and from Bobby Moynihan who played, uh, the, the, the, the Urchin Fourville. I would say... And the real Andrew Lloyd Webber who we had. Yes.

I would say if I, if I were in Andrew Lloyd Webber's place, I would imagine I would say what a fun time it was and, and, uh, how, uh, the excitement of it, uh, just continuing that narrative and going on and not doing the games and just, like, just that crazy kind of riffing that just, um... And the unexpected ending with the mnemonic device, the knife grab and everything. Yes. All spun out of thin air and... Yes.

Were I, had I participated in it, I would say, uh, it's one of the most fun times I ever had recording a podcast. Well, uh, not for me, but hey. Well, dude, it was, you know, the apples and oranges to each his own. No, of course I love that episode and, uh, and it is, it, it rightfully takes the place or takes the place of number one. It takes the place at number one. It takes the place at number one.

There's no more number ones. Never. It takes its place. Well, I want to thank you so much for being my co-host for this, uh, these very two special best of episodes. This was a great year. You were the twoest special best of episodes. Oh my gosh, and I wish you'd been on it more this year, but, uh...

Maybe next year. Who knows? 2013, you know, and Scott, I would like to thank you for the, for the times that I have appeared on the show, um, have brought me, uh, a whole crop of new fans every time. And, uh, it has meant a great deal to me. So thank you. So much. Thank you.

Your participation in these episodes has meant a great deal to me. And, uh, more than that though, Brett, I want to thank you. More than that. Oh, I don't like that at all. No, but I do want to thank the listeners. We've had, uh, such a great year and it's been my pleasure to do both the TV show and keep doing the podcast while we were doing the TV show. Uh, it was my pleasure to do them all.

I feel like this has been the best year in comedy bang bang history, the, the, the history of comedy. The long, storied history of comedy bang bang. The one and one-half year. Yes. Stretching all the way back. But, uh, I think we're going to have a great 2013 and I think that there's going to be more comedy bang bang goodness to come.

And, uh, I really look forward to, uh, when it's time. Hey guys! Hey! Oh, wow! Stop, Paul! How you doing? Hey, it's, it's... Oh my god, it's weird how Yankovic is here.

Hey! Very exciting. I had to drop by earlier. What, what, where are you up to in the countdown now? Well, well, we've done all the way from ten to, to, to number, to the number one. Oh, I'm so sorry. So sorry. Where was I in the countdown?

I'm sorry, I missed it, man. I wish I could have ripped with you guys. I, which... You're up as well. Oh, it's not exactly like, uh, within the bounds of it. It's not necessarily one. Yeah. You know, it's not two.

It's not two. It's a big countdown. It's a lot of numbers. Are you saying I wasn't in the countdown? Oh, look. Out of the whole year? Well, we did probably 55, 56 shows this year. Yeah.

Let me, let me, if I can. Okay. What Scott is trying to say is, no, you are not in the countdown. Thank you, Paul. I never know how to say that. Yeah. Sometimes just the straight line, you know. Thank you, guy.

Well, that's great. Like, well, I'm in two-hour parking. I'm going to go before I get ticketed. No! There's a lot. No! No! I'll see you in 2013.

I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. Paul, don't leave. We love you. I love you. Why are you leaving?

Don't leave us. Come on. You're my girl. Don't lock. You're my girlfriend. You know, we live together. I can't. Paul is so hateful to me.

Well, Paul, I think there's only one last thing to do before we leave. I think you're right, Scott. Yeah. And that is play a little… Up. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-da-da-da-dada-dada-da-dada-dada-da-dada-dada-da-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada 3. 3.

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