Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2015 Pt. 3

Starting point is 00:00:00 By the power of Merlin Streep, I podcast you out, Matt Demon. Interesting. That was a catchphrase by Soda Pop Cat. Soda Pop Cat. Now that's interesting. I want to know more about the Soda Pop Cat. That's the show. Is it a cat who likes Soda Pop or is it a cat made out of Soda Pop? Oh man, that would be so delicious.

Starting point is 00:00:44 Or is it just like a drink a cat? Is it just like a cool guy who likes Soda Pop? Maybe Jazz, Jazz, Jazz. By the way, we've been talking a lot about Figuren Dan and the modal nodes. Yes, we sure have. Are we singing quite a bit of his work over these past few years? By the way, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We've been singing a lot.

Starting point is 00:01:01 Someone alerted to me, is this true that the style of music in the original Star Wars that Figuren Dan and the modal nodes plays is Jizz? What are you saying to me? I think that in the Star Wars like press materials and all of that. No. No. They called it Jizz. There's no fucking way.

Starting point is 00:01:20 I'm going to look it up. I'm going to look it up. Cantina Band Jizz. I refuse to believe. I'm going to look it up. Cantina Band Jizz. Oh, I did not expect that. Uh-oh.

Starting point is 00:01:34 I'm glad that we're sitting on opposite sides of the table so I cannot see what you're seeing. Listen to this. Jizz was an upbeat swinging genre of music most notably performed by Figuren Dan and the modal nodes. Oh, most notably performed by them? And the Max Rebo Band. Subgenres of Jizz included the styles of Jizz Wall, Abade and Glitz.

Starting point is 00:01:55 Also Jazz was slightly similar to Jizz. How does Jazz sound somehow filthier than Jizz? Yeah, Jazz. I'm going to Jazz, babe. I'm going to Jazz. Stop it. I'm going to fucking Jazz. That's from Wikipedia.

Starting point is 00:02:09 Yeah. Well, they can go fuck themselves. How is it spelled? J-I-Z-Z. J-I-Z-Z. Come on. Come on, guys. I think the slang term Jizz was not popularized back in 1977, perhaps.

Starting point is 00:02:20 And so they call it. They're like, yeah, I know. You know what I mean? I think that's George Lucas being like, I think it's funny that they played Jizz. I would, I can't, I don't like this. I think Lucas is a nerd who had never heard that term before and was like, it's funny because it's like Jazz. Do you think somebody played a trick on him?

Starting point is 00:02:40 Like somebody called it Jizz and he was like, oh, that sounds good. I think it was someone playing. Why is this the accepted impression of him? Oh, they're under Lucas. Oh, sorry. It's mortified. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I mean, it's all a brief history of Star Wars and Jizz from BuzzFeed is something

Starting point is 00:02:55 that just came up. It's, yeah. It's crazy. Hey, BuzzFeed, take an hour off. One hour. You didn't need to make this list. One hour out of the day. You didn't need to make this list.

Starting point is 00:03:06 Oh my gosh. Anyway, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We are here for another week and we are counting down your top episodes of 2015, your top Comedy Bang Bang episodes of 2015 and on the show today, we're going to do six, five and four. We're going to do six, five and four and these are good eps, I got to say. I have to say, these are good ones. They are, what was Harris's joke, Omar? It's like Omar and Mike taking out the trash, they're good eps.

Starting point is 00:03:39 We may hear from him a little later and I have, of course, Paul F. Tompkins. Have I introduced you yet? No. I am a stand-up comedian. You're a figment of my imagination as well. That's right. I encourage Scott to be a good boy. Yes.

Starting point is 00:03:56 It's interesting. I have never listened to this podcast back. I imagine it's just me talking and then short bursts of silence before I try to interrupt the person again. A little background of me. I am a bug wearing a top hat. And you're a singing bug as well. You can always let your conscience be your guide.

Starting point is 00:04:17 Oh, I'm no fool, no sorry. I'm going to live to be 103. I ate the cart of all my enemies. I have the power and their intelligence. What's that? That's me imagining you. Yes, Paul F. Tompkins. I got no strings to hold me down.

Starting point is 00:04:39 If people are listening to this for the first time, they just got their new iPods on Christmas. Explain who you are. My name is Paul. Yes. I am a comedy person. Yes, queen. I do stand-up comedy. I do TV hosting of comedy show.

Starting point is 00:05:00 I do TV hosting of comedy show. This is getting very Hollywood handbook. I do TV hosting of comedy show. It's good now. It's good now. I have my own podcast here on the Ear Wolf Network called Spontaneous Nation where I do more comedy things. And I do on comedy bang bang from time to time.

Starting point is 00:05:22 I do comedy character. Both with K's comedy character, a cavalcade of comedy characters. Triple K. Hooray. Finally. Bring that bell. Jump for joy. White man's day is here.

Starting point is 00:05:34 Jesus. No. It's not that kind of a show. Not that kind of a show. While we were working on Mr. Show, I want to say this was the third season. Yeah, this is before I got there. Yeah. When I was on the outside looking in.

Starting point is 00:05:48 We had seen some documentary. Like in trading places looking at those old guys eating. That's right. And remember I was eating a salmon through my Santa Claus beard? Yeah, of course. That image of Danakwrit eating that salmon, that raw fish through his beard and like the strands of beard are getting in it. Is that really?

Starting point is 00:06:05 It haunts me. It makes my teeth hurt. Everything about it. It's so bleak. Putting cotton through your teeth. If you're going to the dentist. Cotton if you're lucky. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:15 Cotton if you're lucky. That's another T-shirt. That more applies to the T-shirt, I think. Yeah, that's true. Well, it's pointing at itself. But the ear-wolf T-shirts are well made. Are they not? They are.

Starting point is 00:06:27 They're very well made. Yes. Cotton if you're lucky. What the fuck? I don't know. What the fuck? We're talking about Santa. I can't walk it back.

Starting point is 00:06:35 Oh yeah. Mr. Show. Yes, Ring That Bell. There was some documentary about white supremacists and at some point they sing this song that begins, Ring That Bell, Jump For Joy, White Man's Day is here. There's no way I could even begin to tell you the rest of the lyrics. Some of the most hateful, maybe the most hateful stuff I've ever heard about. Meaning you've committed them to memory, but you're just not going to say them?

Starting point is 00:06:58 Absolutely. Burned into my brain forever. Forever. And the worst part is, sometimes that will get stuck. It's a hauntingly beautiful tune when you can separate the lyrics. Beautiful. It's very joyful. I forgot about Max Rebo, who was the plush toy from Return of the Jedi.

Starting point is 00:07:52 Really? Just that blue elephant thing? I don't know. Let me look him up. I'm not sure if I'm remembering him. Max Rebo. He plays the keyboard thing? Oh, that dude.

Starting point is 00:08:01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just looks like a toy. Just a big toy. The nice and huggable, plushable. Max Rebo. Toy. Toy. Toy.

Starting point is 00:08:12 The toy. Hi, I'm Max Rebo. Hi. Won't you like to hug me for a good night's sleep? Once you want to take me home, I'm Max Rebo. Wouldn't it be nice to have me in your bedroom late at night? I play around next to that, like, long penis-lipped singer. Yeah, size noodles.

Starting point is 00:08:27 That's right. She's got a big penis and then lips on the end of it. With a real live skin flute. It's like, what if a vagina was on the end of a penis? That's what her whole thing is. That's the miracle of life. Yep. Here in the Star Wars universe.

Starting point is 00:08:43 Hey, welcome. Do they call it the Star Wars universe, do you think? Yeah. No, I, well, we use all the force awakens. Sure. And there's a point where Han Solo says, I haven't seen anything like this inside of the Star Wars universe. They all look around and go, man, these Star Wars.

Starting point is 00:08:56 Can I confess to you? Yes, please. Yes, my son. Here, stick out your tongue and put the communion wafer upon it. The communion wafer, the Holy Eucharist. The Eucharist compels me. Is that something? That's right.

Starting point is 00:09:08 No, that is something. It's a t-shirt. Yep. The Eucharist compels me. That's a t-shirt. When I was watching Star Wars, the Force Awakens, the character of Ray, Episode 7, played by Daisy... Fwentis.

Starting point is 00:09:20 Daisy Ridley. Yep. I guess this speaks to where I am in my life, that I felt very paternal towards that character. Oh, you're like, watch out, Han. Well, it was not so much that I was worried for her. I was proud of her. Oh, yes. Is that weird?

Starting point is 00:09:43 Yeah, I understand. Like, she's a beautiful young woman, but I wasn't having... You weren't like, oh man, I'd love to be John Bogea or... Yeah, I wasn't having a crush on her. Yeah, yeah, it was more like, I'm proud of you. Yeah. And I was like, I would like to walk her down the aisle. And I hope you do.

Starting point is 00:10:00 Would that be weird? If you're out there, by the way. I don't even know if she's single. And by the way, if Tatiana Maslani is a fan, maybe she is, you know? Tatiana, if you get married, I would be honored to walk you down the aisle. Yeah, but first, Daisy Ridley. But that's where... Well, look, they're all my daughters.

Starting point is 00:10:15 That's how I feel about it. They're all my sons. All these young... No. No sons. I don't feel patrolled. You know that reference, though? You're all my sons from the play, all my sons.

Starting point is 00:10:25 I believe the last line. I've never seen it. I'm not familiar with it. They were all my sons. Is that truly the last line? I think it was, yeah. I believe it is. It's right off, right before he's let off to jail.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Spoiler alert! That's a big spoiler. Yeah. Also, I don't know who is let off to jail. For war crimes. Is it their dad? Yeah. All the son's dad?

Starting point is 00:10:43 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he... Spoiler alert. He made his riches during the war, selling shitty parts for planes that all fell out of the sky. During World War II? During World War II, I believe. And he did this on purpose.

Starting point is 00:10:58 They were purposely... Yeah, on purpose to make more money, he did shitty parts, and then it's a family reunion. It's a family reunion. I haven't seen this in 25 years, so I'm maybe getting some of the facts wrong. But I believe all of his sons come back, and they're like, dad, you're a shitty dad. And he realizes that all of the kids who died in World War II were his sons, and he should have felt paternal towards them and not had done what he did. What?

Starting point is 00:11:26 I'm sorry. What did it take for this guy to feel that way? Maybe one of them committing suicide? I don't know. It's one of those big, like, you know, everyone yelling at each other plays. That was a very popular style for a while. You know, like, let's get everyone in there, like, long day's journey into night. Let's get everyone in a room and have them yell.

Starting point is 00:11:42 Everyone gets a speech. Yep. An actor's dream. Oh, speeches. And by the way, it is not an actor's dream. When you get a big monologue and something, are you ever like, who, boy, I cannot wait? No. You know there's actors who are fucking surreal.

Starting point is 00:11:55 I'm sure there are. But when you get the pages, aren't you like, oh, fuck, I can learn a monologue? Oh, God, I'm a fraud. Of course I have that reaction. As am I. As am I. We're all frauds, dear boy. All right.

Starting point is 00:12:08 What are we doing today? God, I don't know. But sorry for spoiling all my sons. Yep, sorry about that. But it's better than Star Wars spoilers, ain't it? But it is true, though, that I don't feel paternal towards any actors. Yeah. Young men.

Starting point is 00:12:21 I don't feel that way at all. No, no, no. It's only young women. Well, it's because they've been. Good for you. I'm proud of you. It's because they've been underrepresented in certain genres of film. That's probably.

Starting point is 00:12:30 You know what? I think you're fucking right. I think it's because we're seeing more heroic characters. Who, you know, someone who's not just going to be a person who's like, oh, I'm going to run around with this. It's also because I was a young man and like gross. When? You fucking got me.

Starting point is 00:12:46 I've known you for 20 years. I don't think you've ever been one. Oh. Oh. My life. All right, grandpa. Speaking of your life, let's hear a little bit of it. Grandpa's sweater, too.

Starting point is 00:12:59 You are. All right, let's get to it. We're counting down your best episodes of the year and this. Oh, God. This is episode six. Number six. Cheers. Cheers.

Starting point is 00:13:14 All right. This is episode 349. Yeah. This is two before the first episode. No, no, no. Not the first episode, but two before the CBB, the movie episode that we heard earlier. Okay. This is May 4th.

Starting point is 00:13:28 May the 4th be with you. Very forced day. They call it. Star Wars Day. They call it. I'm going to force you to hear about Star Wars today. That's how you interpret it. Yes.

Starting point is 00:13:38 This is the sixth anniversary show. The sixth anniversary show. A big milestone. Big milestone. We had been doing the podcast for six years at this point. That's what that means. And this, okay, here are the stars on this episode. Hey, shut up, Scott.

Starting point is 00:13:54 How do you determine? How many years we've been doing this? No. Well, I look at the sun. No. Is it the anniversary of the very first episode being released? Yeah. Well, it was live.

Starting point is 00:14:08 The very first episode was live. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. It's basically the final Monday in April or the first Monday in May. Somewhere around there. Do you remember the exact date of the first one?

Starting point is 00:14:20 I believe it was April 30th. It might have been May 1st, I can recall. Okay. Yeah. And six years since that first one, does that... Do tell. Well, I'm going to ask. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:14:34 Oh, please. Thank you. Is that significant to you? Is it amazing to you that you've been doing it six years? I think so. You know, when I was doing the old... Oh, boy. Forget it.

Starting point is 00:14:51 I sneezed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I sneeze. I'm a human being. I'm sorry. With a codon. I'm a human being with a codon.

Starting point is 00:15:02 Do you want me to apologize? Like, what's your name? Lorraine Braco and Goodfellas? Yes, please. It's Seed, you know what I'm talking about? Yes. Yes, go ahead. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:15:15 I think when I was doing the old comedy Death Ray Live show, I remember at the second anniversary, I was kind of saying, oh, boy, that's about all I got in the tank. Really? On that, yeah. And then I remember we did the fourth anniversary and people were chanting four more years

Starting point is 00:15:30 at the anniversary show. And I was like, God, I hope not. And then... God, I hope not. I don't... I just... It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work.

Starting point is 00:15:40 But those live shows, especially. Mm-hmm. Those were a lot of work. Yes. For not... I mean, I guess you can say there's a ton of reward in the sense of I got to laugh and hang out with people. Yeah, but it is a different thing

Starting point is 00:15:50 because the live shows, it's night and day from doing the studio. Night and day. You are that one. Sinatra? Mm-hmm. You are that one. I got to change it.

Starting point is 00:16:04 Yep. Listen, baby. I'm making my own. Mm-hmm. I'm an unpleasant guy with a beautiful voice. I'm going to let you know about it. Get tired. Instead of hiding it,

Starting point is 00:16:14 I'm going to flaunt it. I can't remember if this was a... Happy hundo, Frankie. I can't remember if this is an actual thing. That Sinatra said, or if it was my friend Tony... Tony. I'm imagining a Sinatra-type thing.

Starting point is 00:16:28 But he would tell somebody to sit down by saying, Get tired, creep. No, that is not a thing. I love it, though. It's great, isn't it? Get tired, creep. It seems like a rat-packy thing to say.

Starting point is 00:16:37 I do like his vocal flourishes in some songs where he'll end a song with a very curious turn of phrase that's not in the lyrics. My favorite being in the song, it's on the Come Fly With Me album, which is a thematic album. Great album. All about going to different, you know,

Starting point is 00:16:52 ports of call. I'm sorry to be sniffing it. No problem, no problem. And there's... You can use this if you like. Oh, that piece of print-outed paper? It's print-outed paper. That'll be pleasant upon your nostrils.

Starting point is 00:17:04 Oh. That's my Star Wars ticket. Truly pleasant upon your nostrils. But on the song, it's so nice to come... It's so nice. You're so nice to come home to. No.

Starting point is 00:17:17 You'd be so nice to come home. It's so nice to go traveling. It's so nice to go traveling, is that it? But it's so much nicer. Yes, it's so nice to get home, is what he's saying. He ends it by saying, take off your slippers, put on the fire.

Starting point is 00:17:34 Things like this of like, oh, this is going to be fun to do. Sure. And then he ends it with, make a pizza. Make a pizza. Make a pizza, which is so much work. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:51 So much work. I mean, maybe he had a wood burning oven, and presumably he had a staff. Sure. Yeah. Oh, I forgot. He was singing this song to his staff. To his staff.

Starting point is 00:18:00 Yeah. Make my pizza. Now. Cheers. Still, love it. And I sing it all the time, and cool up laughs at it every time she hears it. So, hey.

Starting point is 00:18:15 All right. This is the sixth anniversary show. Listen to the stars on this. We have Paul F. Tompkins. Lauren Lapkus. Hey. Neil Campbell. Mike Hanford.

Starting point is 00:18:26 Joe Wenger. Paul Shearer. Aaron Whitehead. An amazing assemblage of comedic talent. And this is one of our, when we do the anniversary shows, I get a lot of people, a lot of comedians here,

Starting point is 00:18:39 and people, you know, we sort of do it in 15 minute shifts. You know, like, hey, here's your 15 minutes to shine. And people are encouraged to stick around the entire time if they want to. You always do that. I believe in this one,

Starting point is 00:18:51 you were playing Cake Boss, and Lauren was playing Ho Ho, which is a new character that she started this year. That's right. Whom we will hear from a little later in the countdown. That's right.

Starting point is 00:19:02 She's Santa's naughty elf. And, but I want to highlight three other characters on this episode for their inclusion. Two of them were created just for this episode, and they've gone on to be, no, I'm sorry, one was created for this episode.

Starting point is 00:19:19 Two have been created this calendar year, and this is the only time we'll hear from them, but they've popped up in episodes. And then there was one who was on one episode previous. So what we're going to hear is, you'll hear Cake Boss,

Starting point is 00:19:31 myself, and Ho Ho. We're going to meet a new friend, Neil Campbell, playing a gentleman named Maxwell Keeper. That's right. A fan favorite is safe to say. He's just a guy who works at the Longo Watch Repair

Starting point is 00:19:44 in Florida, right? So we're going to hear the entire first appearance of Maxwell Keeper. We're also going to hear a new friend that we met this year. It's Mike Campbell. It's Mike Hanford.

Starting point is 00:19:58 These are my employees, by the way, that I see every day. Your staff. Make me a pizza. Make a pizza. Jizz. I wish he would end with jizz. Jizz.

Starting point is 00:20:10 There's no one better to end a song by saying jizz. I think he said jizz on stage. It's up to you. New York, New York. New York. New York. New York.

Starting point is 00:20:19 New York. języate. New York. New York. New York! New York. New York! New York!

Starting point is 00:20:27 New York! New York, New York, New York! New York! New York, New York, New York, New York! We have Mike Hanford playing John Lennon, who I'll explain him. He came on in the American football episode in January. Mike Hanford does a passable John Lennon, and his back story is that... A serviceable John Lennon.

Starting point is 00:20:48 A gentleman's serviceable John Lennon. Another fan favorite, and this is his second appearance in his previous, he explained that he was dead for five years and decided not to be dead anymore. He's just been hanging out for the last 25 years or so, or 30 years, just kind of hanging out and asking people not to let anyone know that he's alive. Including his wife, Yolkona. So we'll hear from him, and then we will also talk to Brad Hammerstone, Joe Wengard as Brad Hammerstone.

Starting point is 00:21:18 Yes, yes, yes. Who, his first time he was on the show, the previous year, he was doing a character who is a real man's man, who you then find out is a duck. That's right. And in this one, he's playing a particular duck, and it takes me so long to catch on as to who he is playing. So let's hear that. This is your number six.

Starting point is 00:21:37 Number six. And I have a great person to introduce here on the show now, new to the program. Do you want to introduce yourself, or should I just say... Yes, it is I, the timekeeper. Of course, the timekeeper. Welcome to the show. Yes, I observe and celebrate time. Yes, of course you do.

Starting point is 00:21:59 And I was so excited to be here as you, to know that you are here celebrating the passage of time. The sun has, or the, or we've revolved around the sun. I don't know how. Yes, the earth has revolved around the sun six times. Yes. Go work, Copernicus. How many times does the moon do it?

Starting point is 00:22:17 A million. That seems inaccurate. It was really fast. Yeah, so yeah. I've been around longer than all of you guys since Native Americans. Yeah, have you observed, how old are you timekeeper? I am 31 years old. You have such an ancient, ancient voice.

Starting point is 00:22:34 Oh yes, and I wear this midnight blue cloak. Yes. With a star-field lining. Yeah, why are you, I mean, you're just a guy. I thought you were like in your fifties maybe. I thought you were 85. No, no, I'm 31 years old. Okay, well welcome to the show, you're just a dude.

Starting point is 00:22:52 I observe time, I celebrate time. I work in my brother-in-law's watch repair store. Oh, is there a lot of call for that these days? Oh yes, yes, people get their watches repaired. Not a lot of people watching, watching wearers. No, wearing watches though. Oh, there are businessmen and status symbol seekers. They love having a timepiece upon their very wrist.

Starting point is 00:23:18 Like James Bond or something? Yes, yes, and then when it's in for repair. The most famous watch wearer in history. Every time there's a new James Bond movie, it seems, that's when I see the most watch ads. And it's always like him wearing it. That's a fair point, you know. I never see watch ads until every three years

Starting point is 00:23:36 when a Bond movie comes out. But yes, so when they have their watches in for repair, I call them to let them know what time it is regularly. That's what makes you the timekeeper? No, that's just how I pay my bills, but I'm over the timekeeper in a general sense. Wait, so this is part of the service that you and your, who are you with again?

Starting point is 00:23:57 My brother- Your brother- Brother-in-law, yes. Brother-in-law. Desmond Longo. Okay, are you married to Desmond's sister? No, he's married to my very sister. Did she change her name to Longo?

Starting point is 00:24:13 Yes. Oh, that's nice. What was the maiden name? Tim E. Keeper. Wait a minute. Your name's Time? Her name is Eleanor Keeper. Oh, okay, what's your name?

Starting point is 00:24:23 Maxwell Keeper. The Time Keeper. Oh, okay, very good, very good. Thank you, thank you. I thought it was going to be Tim E. Keeper. I wish I, I asked my parents if they could change it, and they said that was something I had to take care of myself. Why didn't you do it?

Starting point is 00:24:40 Yeah, you just go to the courthouse. I wish I had the time. Why aren't I running? Guys, hurry, I'm running. Yes, I've spent all my time observing. I leave none for myself. Right, so you and your brother-in-law are at this, and that's part of your duties at the shop.

Starting point is 00:24:55 He repairs watches, and while people have their watches in for repair, I call them regularly, every 10 minutes or so, to let them know what time it is. What time is it? That's the song's watch. What time is it right now? Right now, let me check the sun, yes. Wait, this is how you're doing it?

Starting point is 00:25:11 Is this why you say 10 minutes or so? Yes, yes, I look every 10 minutes of sun time, and I call them, and I go, well, it's now 310. You're in a watch repair shop. There's plenty of what? Well, broken. That's the least reliable place to tell a time. Hey, it's got an accident.

Starting point is 00:25:29 Shut up for a second. Yes, sir. Can we role-play one of these phone calls? Like, let's say I'm a customer. I dropped off my watch at Longo. This is exciting. This is like watching an improv show. Yes.

Starting point is 00:25:40 What are you talking about? Improv show? No, neither of you? Neither of us. What's an improv show? Oh, you say neither. He's a bitch. You got it.

Starting point is 00:25:48 He's got a cloak. I want to be the receptionist. Oh, okay, yeah. Let's all get it on it. Yeah, okay. I dropped my watch off, and so you're calling me to tell every 10 minutes? Yes, yes. To tell me what time it is.

Starting point is 00:26:00 Yes. All right, so the phone rings. Hello? Hello, this is the Time Store. I have Maxwell Timekeeper. No, we're talking Timekeeper. Put it right through, please. Oh, what's that?

Starting point is 00:26:08 I hear some chatter in the background. I have the Timekeeper on the phone for you. Yes, please put it through. Okay. Yes, hello, Timekeeper? It is now 9.20 a.m. Honey, who are you on the phone with? Hold on a second.

Starting point is 00:26:20 That's my wife. Honey! Who's on the phone? Is it for me? No, dear. I'm talking to the Timekeeper. My watch is still in the shop. Who's the Timekeeper?

Starting point is 00:26:28 He's the guy who calls me every 10 minutes. Did you take those boxes up from the basement? Yes, dear. I asked you 20 minutes ago. Have you done it? Yes, I got two phone calls. So I know for sure. So it's done?

Starting point is 00:26:39 Yes, it's done. Completely? Excuse me, the Timekeeper doesn't have time for this? Oh, I'm very sorry. Would you like to talk to him again? Yeah, I guess in like 9 minutes. Okay. Very well.

Starting point is 00:26:47 You're very agreeable. I'll sit and perform one of my favorite activities for 9 minutes. Wait a minute, so this is the only client at the Broken Watch Factory? No, no, no. I would think you'd be doing this every single minute or so. This was a role play of the first customer of the day. He probably says that to like make the customer feel like they're the only customer that is, you know.

Starting point is 00:27:17 Oh, I see. But in actuality, how many people are you calling? Oh, upwards of four a day. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I said... Scott. Yes? I was getting emotional.

Starting point is 00:27:30 Oh, stop crying. Okay. Tears all wipe away or suck back in. Oh, how did you do that? Just practice. Really? You can practice to do that? Practice makes perfect.

Starting point is 00:27:43 Oh, that's a great point. You should make a cake that can suck back its own tears. But so first I have to make a cake that cries. No, T-I-E-R-S. Oh. And that's been riddle me this. Riddle me. Riddle.

Starting point is 00:28:01 Oh, this is a good song. Riddle. That was a good song. That's a good song. Oh, another edition. Oh, my gosh. Now we have two that's a good song. What?

Starting point is 00:28:15 Yeah. Anyway, what were you saying about that? Oh, six years is one of my favorite amounts of time. Really? Why six years? Oh, which is so much can happen in the six years. A child could age from zero to six. That's true.

Starting point is 00:28:33 A sports team could develop a dynasty. Oh, like I'm trying to think of one, like the Showtime Lakers? Yes. Okay. Yes. So much can happen in six years. It simply is one of the greatest amounts of time there is. How did you arrive at six years being one of the greatest years of time?

Starting point is 00:28:53 It's just how you have a favorite color, a favorite direction for the wind to blow. It's just one of those things everyone has. Well, mine's east. Yes. I'm southeast to leave myself. Mine's up. Oh. What's up?

Starting point is 00:29:07 What's going on? What's going on? God, actually, you don't have a favorite direction to wind blows? Or a favorite amount of time. Okay. Well, let me think. Remember in the seven year itch when Marilyn Monroe's dress went up? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:22 Yes. Another great amount of time. Yes. Sorry. That's been taken. I said my favorite direction was up. Yes. So you're copying Ho Ho.

Starting point is 00:29:30 No, you were just, I thought you were talking about your favorite Pixar movie. Yeah, I like that too. Okay. You probably like that first 10 minutes, right? That's your favorite part. Yeah. Oh, you watched. I like the first part where the lady dies.

Starting point is 00:29:40 Everyone's sad. The part where everyone's happy the dog talk sucks. But it is your favorite movie. Yeah. Timekeeper. Yes. Yeah. Cake boss.

Starting point is 00:29:50 Do you have a least favorite unit of time? Oh, definitely. Hmm. 12 minutes. What? 12 minutes. Yes, I've never been fond of 12 minutes. A real NBA quarter, I call it.

Starting point is 00:30:05 Yeah. So you're a basketball fan, I'm getting. Not likely. Wait, yes or no? No, an NBA quarter, I hate. But you, this is the second basketball reference you've made. It seems like it's on your mind a lot. Yes, it is.

Starting point is 00:30:23 I shan't remember that. Where did you go to school? Did you like graduate from high school even? Yes, Tallahassee High School. So your class meant to like you or were you annoying? They hated me. I was voted most likely to be the timekeeper. Is that because you walked around saying you were going to vote?

Starting point is 00:30:44 Yes, it was a right in category. And it got one? Yes. Yeah, that was from you. Yes. Okay, yeah. Did you earn any other superlatives? Least liked.

Starting point is 00:30:56 Was that a right in category as well? Yes, yes. And how many votes did that get? What? My sister. Oh, your sister. Oh, Eleanor. Eleanor Longo.

Starting point is 00:31:08 Eleanor Keeper Longo. Nay Longo. Wait, no. Nay Keeper. All right, don't attack the cake posh. Nay Keeper. Pourses are Nay Keepers. And that has been Riddle Me This.

Starting point is 00:31:21 Riddler. Oh, this is a good song. Riddler. That was a good song. That's a good song. That's a really good song. Wow, a third one. I love it.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Oh, amazing. We're just going to keep adding on to this. Well, my goodness, Timekeeper, was there anything else you wanted to say? I love you. Thinking of time, it's... Don't get too excited. He's really interested. It's been about...

Starting point is 00:31:51 It's been what? Oh, enough, enough. It's been about five months since we said hello to this gentleman. A wonderful amount of time. Yes. How many NBA quarters would that be, I wonder? May I have one of your calculators? What do you guess?

Starting point is 00:32:07 What do you guess? It's about 122 NBA quarters in a day. Carry the one, do the two over the three. Goodbye, listeners. That's an open John song, isn't it? Yeah, goodbye, listeners of this podcast. About 3,980 NBA quarters since we've seen this gentleman. What the wait?

Starting point is 00:32:36 Don't we'll describe your sort of bio? Biography. Well, you know, I could describe it, or I could just say my name, but I'd rather just describe it for you. I played in a rock band. These will be the clues I'll give the listeners. I played in a European rock band with two guitarists, one bassist, and a drummer, and that drummer's name was my very best friend, Ringo.

Starting point is 00:33:02 Okay, I'm guessing you're John Lennon. Well, I know that because you're sitting... Because you can see me, sure. Yes, I'm John Lennon, that's right. How long since I've been on Scott? Yeah, I mean, you were on in January, as I recall, and this is Maeve, or Ma. Certainly is.

Starting point is 00:33:19 Yeah, what have you been up to? Now, we all remember your last appearance. You were talking about how you've never died. Well, I died for five years. For four years, I died. You know, I got shot through the heart outside my house, you know. Four years. Felt dead right away, buried, and then decided I've got to be alive again.

Starting point is 00:33:36 I like it so much. Okay, I answered all my questions. So four years, a wonderful amount of time. One could almost complete college in that time. One could complete the presidency of the United States. Or the presidential fitness test. It took you that long to complete the presidential fitness test. The visa to reach was hard.

Starting point is 00:33:57 Okay, well... I don't mean to distract. You don't? No, but I do frequently. Well, John, what have you been up to? Well, you know, I'm just sort of preparing right now to record an album again. What? Oh, wow.

Starting point is 00:34:14 A solo record? Well, you know, let me explain it, of course. I'm going to take a CD that I own and record it onto a tape so I can play it in my RV. Your RV? No, you know, I misspoke, you know. Okay, I don't mean to hold your feet to the fire. That's not allowed. So you're going to convert it?

Starting point is 00:34:34 You have a tape deck in the RV? Yes, it's a very old RV. So I guess I'm not aware of... I never came across this in the shop image catalog, the CD to cassette player. It's a pretty standard boombox that I've purchased. Yeah, why? Oh, so it's not even built into the RV. It's just a boombox that's in the RV.

Starting point is 00:34:55 I'm going to do the whole thing in my home, you know. And then bring it out to the RV, the tape, of course. Aren't you a multi-millionaire? Why are you buying such an old RV? I certainly like the vintage charm of it all, you know. That's what the V stood for. A vintage RV. That's right, I didn't want to explain it.

Starting point is 00:35:14 I didn't think we had time for that. We certainly did. We have all the time in the world. All right, Timekeeper, all right. We don't really. Oh, I'll get off the table. Did you lose all of your money when you died? Well, I misplaced much of it, you know.

Starting point is 00:35:31 Because right before I died, I was taking it out of the bank. Wait, a lot of people don't know this. Oh, yeah. You had bags of money when you were shot? Yes, I was taking it from my mattress to a bank. Yoko finally said, you've got to put this away. We can't get any sleep on this mattress. We've been doing too many photo shoots on this,

Starting point is 00:35:49 naked on this mattress. Well, it worked for a while because we were there so much, we were not leaving the bed. May I ask you a question about one of your songs? Yes. Eight days a week, typo slip of the tongue. What was going on there? Is that just a time question?

Starting point is 00:36:05 We were being very funny, you know, Ringo suggested it. I said, well, I brought him aside and I said, are you joking around? Do you know that it's not eight days? It doesn't exist eight days a week. He said, no, John, it's a joke. What about that song? What about that song simply having a wonderful Christmas time?

Starting point is 00:36:24 That one pisses me off. Well, that's a ball song. I'll leave that to Paul when he's in. You can talk to him about it. You weren't on that trick? You know, I'm fuzzy on what songs I wrote. Wait, were you on every single Paul McCartney solo record? I was at least in the room to watch him record.

Starting point is 00:36:38 Like, by the painting? Who was better at keeping time, Ringo or me, the timekeeper? Or Pete Best. Or Pete Best. Oh, that Paul Pete Best. Oh, tell us about it. We lost him early, didn't we? He didn't die.

Starting point is 00:36:55 He just quit. You might be thinking of Stuart Sutcliffe. Yeah, the bassist. I think I had this problem last time I was in here. You did. I can't remember those bloody drumists that we did. Well, it was a long time ago. It was back in the 50s.

Starting point is 00:37:07 Did the Beatles have different drummers? You know what? Oh, hello. You must be... I never paid attention. I would think you're young, not old. I'm a million. Oh, then you certainly have heard the Beatles then.

Starting point is 00:37:21 Too much time I've been on this earth. I listen to every song and notice who every drummer is. Hey, that's how I feel about Pearl James. It seems like you would have more time to do that. Timekeeper could explain it. What's your favorite song? Time is better. My favorite song is Elton John and Seeing That Captain Into Neal Song.

Starting point is 00:37:39 Love Will Keep Us Together? What? If it's on, if it's on Backspace. Don't go break in my heart. Elton John and RuPaul. Elton John and RuPaul, did that happen? Yeah. Why is that your favorite song?

Starting point is 00:37:52 I love it. Of all time. It's really fucking good. Did you just come? No, it's quiet. Time, time, time, time. Time out, keep it inside. Wait a minute, I thought this wasn't that type of show.

Starting point is 00:38:07 I'll put it back inside. No, you can't tell me one thing and then talk about come a few minutes later. No, you're just merely asking a question of what it is. Did you just come? His penis was out of the shorts. He's wearing shorts under his cloak. Board shorts. Are they from Old Navy?

Starting point is 00:38:30 Yes. $6.99. Oh, yes. Goodness. Well, we have to get to our next guest and he's a returning guest. He's been on the show once before and please welcome back Brad Hammerstone. Oh, thanks for having me back, Scott. I had to get back on the show.

Starting point is 00:38:48 Yeah, you had to. People loved your last appearance. Oh, that's not the reason why I'm here, but... Oh, okay, what's the reason? Wait, so... I don't know who this show is for or who's listening to it or what's happening with that. Right. You know, my...

Starting point is 00:39:04 Well, my kids found out that I did the show and, you know, it was before they were my kids, so... Wait. They loved the show. They were like, you got to get back on the show. You did the show before you had kids? Yeah. Yeah, okay, well... Before they were his kids.

Starting point is 00:39:19 Oh, okay. They were someone else's kids? All right, well, this is a long story, but... Okay, well, we got nothing but... Time. Did that put you over the edge? Oh, no, no, I'm... Did you enjoy that?

Starting point is 00:39:33 I'm now re-interested. Wow. That is gross. Do you like it better when you say it or when other people say it? Yeah. Please, anyone answer this question. I like just hearing it. Yes, others more.

Starting point is 00:39:48 I prefer it when another person says it. I already know I love time, but to hear others acknowledge it, it's reaffirming. All right, well, tell us this story about your kids. What happened here? All right, well, here's the thing. My cousin, he got called into the Navy, so... Certainly. And he has a couple.

Starting point is 00:40:07 In fact, he's got kids, but they're not actually his kids. I mean, as far as I know, he's just their legal guardian, but he takes care of three, you know, kind of small anthropomorphic ducks, and now I got to take care of them. Right. Now, you said your brother was called into the Navy? My cousin. Your cousin, okay. He was called into the Navy.

Starting point is 00:40:27 Where he joined up, I didn't get the full story. Who's your cousin again? I remember seeing something like this. He's wearing a Navy outfit. Yeah, my cousin's name is Don. Right, right. Yeah, Donald. His full name is Donald.

Starting point is 00:40:39 People who may not remember you from your last appearance, you're a man's man. Yeah, oh yeah. You're right. A real bro. Yeah, I'm here. Well, I'm a classic. I'm an old, I'm like a Don Draper, like what men used to be. You like tools and stuff.

Starting point is 00:40:56 Yeah, oh, you know I do. You know it. I don't understand them, but I'll try and use them. How about a football phone? Football phone? Did you get one free ever? Cool. I do a phone like a football.

Starting point is 00:41:09 Wait, how would you answer the phone like a football? You know how like when football players get the ball in the game and they have to say hello, who is it? I don't remember this. Oh, I thought it was like you would answer the phone and say football speaking. Foot speaking, football. What I love about the football phone is you can... Yeah, your foot is shaped like a football. That's true.

Starting point is 00:41:31 Well, no, a football is shaped like a foot. We've established that. Your foot shaped weird and nasty. Well, you're very cruel. Hello. You're not the boss of me. Tick tock. It's been a while.

Starting point is 00:41:46 Drums. Drums. John, you didn't play the drums. I know I didn't play the drums. That can't be your catchphrase. Catchphrase is drums. It simply must be. Your favorite beatle is Ringo.

Starting point is 00:42:01 It always has been and it always will be. What about yourself? No, I put Ringo away before me. He kept the time. I don't know what my catchphrase is. It's probably, come on, fellas. Or like a... Yeah, I think it's more of that.

Starting point is 00:42:17 Wait a minute. I love Tim Allen how he makes those animal sounds when he's excited about tools. And that's what I do. Well, you make animal sounds when you're excited. I make an animal sound when I'm excited. Yeah. And I'm making the same sound that Tim Allen has made. Well, you're making animal sounds when you forget to make English sounds.

Starting point is 00:42:40 Okay. Human sounds. Alright, I'll take your word for it. Because I don't know if people remember your last appearance, but we found out something about you. Well, the last time I was on here, you're giving me a hard time about how I'm a duck and I'm actually a duck who thinks he's a man

Starting point is 00:42:59 or a man with a duck's brain. I'm here trying to help you out. Right. And that's what I get. And, you know, I guess nobody paid attention to that part of the podcast because things continue to go down the toilet for guys since I've been here. For guys. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:16 For guys. Okay. Because you got, you know, yoga pants. And Lena Dunham. Things are looking up for guys when women are wearing yoga pants. Okay. They seem too flimsy for me. Flimsy.

Starting point is 00:43:32 Because they can't keep their butts in. Yeah. I like, you know, I think either have your butt out or have your butt in. So, okay. You're very black and white about it. Your cousin, Donald, does his navy uniform have his butt out or? Oh, he's got it. Yeah, he doesn't like to wear pants.

Starting point is 00:43:50 He's a guy. He's a butt out kind of guy. So, in the navy, they're kind of relaxed about uniforms. Like, you don't have to wear pants. You don't have to wear pants. Waste down is fine, dude. All they ask is you wear the top. Yeah, the top part, you got to have it.

Starting point is 00:44:03 But I think you're going to be a lot faster and also more alarming to your enemy if you don't have your bottom half covered. Yeah. Well, if you're on a boat, your enemies can only see your top half. They don't know that you're pantsless. Unless you're doing a handstand. Oh, hey, John. That's a good point.

Starting point is 00:44:20 Really good point. Solid point from John Lennon. Thank goodness. So, what are you up to now, Brad? Well, I'm going around. I'm on the circuit. I'm giving seminars just trying to help. What circuit?

Starting point is 00:44:33 When you say the circuit, what are you talking about? Are you talking about different ponds? Well, yeah. I will go to the pond that I'm most familiar with and comfortable in. And I'm there for, I'd say, six months out of the year. Like a real man. Like a real man. And then it starts getting cold and gets cold around my pond.

Starting point is 00:44:52 You know what? I got to go help real men someplace. At a place where it's warmer, I got to go south. Hey, why don't all the birds that also do what you do, why don't they just stay in the hot place? Why don't we just stay in the hot place all the time? Yeah, it's like, why the back and forth? You know what?

Starting point is 00:45:11 I don't have an answer for that. God, if you went on vacation to Hawaii, wouldn't you miss your home eventually? I mean, you know, not if you move to Hawaii. Oh, well, that's a very good point. How I feel like a fucking idiot. Well, maybe it gets too hot. Maybe it gets too hot.

Starting point is 00:45:29 Too hot? I'll tell you what it is a lot of times. It's just like a bro code sort of thing, you know? Okay. Because I see a couple of my buddies and they're starting to leave and I'm like, I guess it's time to go and I guess we're all going to leave and fly in a B formation. Have you had any misadventures with your three nephews?

Starting point is 00:45:46 What? All the time, man. It's tough. But it's kind of, I like it because it's helped me find new dimensions of being a man that I had no idea about. Is stuff like hanging out at water towers? It's like mostly going on adventures. You imagine something as manly as that?

Starting point is 00:46:06 Well, I've gotten to trouble with a snow beast recently, so. What happened? Well, I'm a little hazy on the details. I believe we're looking for a crown or some sort of treasure. Right, yeah. Or it might have been one of my treasure maps got stolen, but. Well, you have a lot of treasure maps. Treasure maps you have.

Starting point is 00:46:26 Oh, I got tons of treasure maps, valuables. I have the first dime. The first dime? The first dime ever minted. How much is that worth? Oh, tons, man. Probably like over 400 bucks. Okay.

Starting point is 00:46:41 I remember when they made that. You were there? Yeah. Well, she's a million. He holds a million years old. Okay. And you're an elf? You betcha.

Starting point is 00:46:52 Okay. I'm a nutty elf. All right. Look at my butt. Okay, all right. See, I like this guy because this guy kind of does whatever he wants. Yeah, yeah. I continue with your line of questioning to Ho-Ho.

Starting point is 00:47:06 Now, Santa Claus. Yeah, what about him? Why doesn't he ever bring me what I want for Christmas to mind? Oh, well, I think I might be able to answer that. Does he not like bad boys or what's the problem? I like the bad boys. You're a nutty little boy and I give you presents. You ever notice what you get under the tree from me?

Starting point is 00:47:25 Knives and guns and cocaine and drugs. Yeah, that's not what I want. Well, that's what you're going to get, bad boy. Oh, I'm hoping for worms or bread. Sweet bread. It's not the old days. We don't give it oranges and shit. Okay.

Starting point is 00:47:40 Have you ever spent Christmas and Ho-Ho, perhaps you can verify this? Have you ever spent Christmas on Bear Mountain? Yeah, of course I have. Okay. Okay, yeah, I was wondering that, too. So these three ducks, they're your nephews? What? These three guys, they're your nephews.

Starting point is 00:47:58 Well, listen, they're my cousin. I don't know how my cousin's related to them. I think they're his nephews. They're probably my grandnephews. Okay, so I'm significantly older than my cousin. Right. Are they grandboys? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:11 What'd you say? Would you say they're grandboys? They're not my grandboys. They're my grandnephews. A term introduced earlier in this program? Yeah, grandboys is another word for grandson. I don't know. We've all instantly accepted it into our personal lexicons.

Starting point is 00:48:25 All right, well then. I guess we'll be asking you to shed some light on it. Are they grandboys or not? Hey, if I come flying in and this is the first time I'm meeting you and you say the word grandboys, I'm going to assume it means grandson. It's like bro code. Yeah, exactly. So you say you have accumulated some wealth.

Starting point is 00:48:45 Uh-huh. Do you kind of hoard your wealth? Do you kind of stitch you with it? Hey, look, that's the number one rule to stay in rich. Not spending your money everywhere. Can I ask you this question? Are you going to try and teach me a lesson? No.

Starting point is 00:49:01 Because this has happened to me once before around the holidays. No, no, no. A couple of ghosts tried to tell me to be less stingy with my money, treat my employees better, and I just didn't take. That was you? I thought that was Evan. Oh, wait. What?

Starting point is 00:49:15 Okay, never mind. I'm just getting something. It's like the first penny dropped. I'm a small business owner. I have a mouse that works for me. He has a crippled mouse son, and that's all I know. The name Brad threw me off there. Yeah, sure.

Starting point is 00:49:34 But let me ask you, because maybe he has a nickname that other people, he earned from his habits. I'm totally on board now. I get everything. Do you ever put your money in a pile? I got so much of it, man, it can't fit in a pile. You ever put it in a room and jump into it? Yeah. That's why I was coming.

Starting point is 00:49:54 Are you Scottish? Yeah. You couldn't tell by my slight Scottish bird? I like your little round glasses. I have a tip of your nose beak. Thank you. I like your top hat. Well, all right.

Starting point is 00:50:06 You guys are all seeing me for what I am, I guess. Yeah, I guess so. Finally, we can see your attributes. Number six. Okay, first of all, I was correct about James Bond and his watches. You made fun of me for that. I'm talking about James Bond wearing a watch. Several people sent me pictures of it when the James Bond movie came out.

Starting point is 00:50:29 You made fun of me in that clip about how I made a reference to James Bond wearing a watch. You said, oh, sure, he wears watches famously. And I said, no, anytime there's a new James Bond movie. Yeah, they have an ad. They have ads. You're saying it like, you're like, yeah, they have an ad. No, but it's not like when you think of James Bond, like, oh, the watch guy. Well, that's what I do.

Starting point is 00:50:47 Well, you're insane, is my point. But several people sent me the watch ads. Of course they did. Twitter snitches. Fuck all of y'all. Your snitches get Twitter snitches. But here's the picture of James Bond wearing a watch. That's not them.

Starting point is 00:51:00 They're like, excuse me, sir, here's a picture of James Bond wearing a watch. If it please you. Secondly, by the way, John Lennon talked on our recent Christmas episode. You should check that he returns on that. Going into more details regarding his RV. So check that out. Which very fast, by the way. Very, very fast.

Starting point is 00:51:18 Goes very fast. And so it took us, I think, a long time to catch on to who Brad Hammerstone was trying to say he was. Took some of us. Well, he hit on Scrooge. Last time. He hit on, yeah, it took me a long time. But he hit on Scrooge McDuck. Earlier on than we remember.

Starting point is 00:51:33 But a lot of people think he started out as Launchpad McQuack. And we coerced him into Scrooge McDuck. And I haven't asked Joe about this. Hold on a second. Yeah. The fuck are you talking about? Well, a lot of people think he started trying to say he was Launchpad McQuack. Stop right there.

Starting point is 00:51:49 From DuckTales. Why would I know what that is? Well, that's my point, is I think our common reference, you and I. Scrooge McDuck. Is Scrooge McDuck. So we steered him into a Scrooge McDuck. And even that is like, I kind of remember Scrooge McDuck for when I was a kid. Right.

Starting point is 00:52:03 I've seen images of comics. Yeah. I mean, like I've seen images of him around. Sure. Moving images. Yeah. You know, 24 per second. And they did.

Starting point is 00:52:13 Movies. Yeah, that's what I meant. When you say him around, what do you mean? Like he's hanging around. There were comic books and stuff like that. And I've seen pictures, like drawings of Scrooge McDuck in things. Him hanging around. Him hanging out.

Starting point is 00:52:27 What are you doing? It's just a weird way to put it. I've seen pictures of him around. Like he's hanging out. And someone took a surreptitious picture of him like, ooh, I got one. It's not pictures of him. It's like paparazzi like, ooh, I got a Scrooge McDuck. No, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:52:45 No pictures of him being around. That's what it sounds like. It's pictures of him around the world. In life, I've seen pictures of him. You've seen him around the world. Scot, you're being willfully obtuse. Make a pizza. Jizz.

Starting point is 00:52:57 Make a pizza. Make a pizza. All right. We have to get to a break. Wait, wait. What? You have something to say? I don't know DuckTales.

Starting point is 00:53:07 I know. No, you don't say it. Launchpad McQuack. I know. I had to look at it. But that's who, that's what I was playing at the other night. And that's who Coolop was like, oh, he's Launchpad McQuack. He's like, oh, I'm going to launch it up.

Starting point is 00:53:19 And some of the details, early details line up with him. So I don't know. We'll ask Joe about that. Let's ask Joe. And very quickly. The only time Joe's repeated a character on the show? I believe so. He always does something new.

Starting point is 00:53:29 So yeah. And he's been, I would love to have him on the show again, but he's been really busy. He's been hired as a writer on The New Girl. And so he's not been available to come in, but hopefully we'll get him in and come the new year. New girl. New girl?

Starting point is 00:53:41 New girl. Okay. We have to take a break. In fact, we will have your fifth most voted on episode. Hey, everyone, just want to remind you, we've stocked up the Ear Wolf store with lots of stuff to wear, hang or give this holiday season. Check out the new Comedy Bang Bang hoodies,

Starting point is 00:54:00 a limited edition screen printed poster, or our instant classic Hanong Man or all joking a salad tease. Each sale supports the show and helps us employ a guy named Nick. The chips, all this stuff from a bunker in LA. Hi, Nick. Support Ear Wolf and Comedy Bang Bang by visiting EarWolf.com, click shop and get 10% off with the code bang bang. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with Paul F. Tompkins.

Starting point is 00:54:23 I am back here with Scott Ackerman. And we're co-hosting the show. We are, isn't that fun? Which means we repeat every single thing that the other person said. Isn't that fun? We repeat things when someone says it and it gets repeated. And then when someone says something, here I will repeat it. If you say something, I'll repeat it because that's what we do.

Starting point is 00:54:41 Hope you say something, I want to repeat it. I want to repeat the things that you say when you say them. Okay, we need to break out of this immediately. We are getting into our top five here. I mean, I've heard of Chris Rock and his top five. Yeah, our top five? And his top five. Yeah, he has that movie, Top Five.

Starting point is 00:55:00 Yeah. Yeah, no. Why was it called Top Five? Because he walks around saying, hey, Top Five this, Top Five that. And everyone's like, eh, leave me alone. That's not true, is it? Yeah, it is. He's like, whatever.

Starting point is 00:55:11 Like Top Five Rappers. Jerry Seinfeld talks about his Top Five Rappers and mentions Wale. Because Wale made a record called Seinfeld or something like that. Anyway. I'll never see this movie. Okay. It's a deal. A bargain is struck.

Starting point is 00:55:26 And I will have. You've seen it for both of us. That's true. I was watching for two. Did you say that when you. I rubbed my belly the entire time. What are you talking about? Are you enjoying this?

Starting point is 00:55:37 I live there in your belly. Yeah. You're my imaginary friend. Do you remember when Kulap asked you, what is Paul gonna come out of your belly? I do. Speak of coming out of or coming on bellies. We have to get to your. Your.

Starting point is 00:56:00 Number five. Number five. All right. This is episode 342 from March 30. And this is a little episode that I like to call and is formally titled. Formally titled actually. Not formerly. What if every episode went through several titles?

Starting point is 00:56:19 Every year they all got retitled. That would be a great way to trick people into listening to a new one. Absolutely. To an old one. I mean. You should be doing that. You should be doing that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:30 You should be doing that. Yeah. This is something currently titled and formerly titled a Silicon Valley P-cast. Yes. Yes. A simple title. Everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say it. And this has Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Star and Thomas Middleditch.

Starting point is 00:56:53 Is that all? Yeah. Classic Jarls comes through. This I also think was the first time I did Jarls interrupting the podcast. You want to explain Classic Jarls of what we've talked about them a little bit? Yes. Allow me. Cue the music.

Starting point is 00:57:08 There's I don't believe. Classic Jarls. Okay. I'll try. I'll try. Don't talk about the music. Jarls was a character born. Stuff.

Starting point is 00:57:16 Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff.

Starting point is 00:57:24 Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. But the most interesting story about that session is that I was double booked doing another thing

Starting point is 00:57:37 and so I was trying to, I did not have a chance to eat lunch. And so I- Second most important meal of the day. That's right. Third most? Dinner. I- Fourth most?

Starting point is 00:57:53 Fourth meal. Didn't know- That's why they call it that. Did that catch on or did it not catch on? I know. It didn't catch on with me of course. I use it as a reference. I don't eat it.

Starting point is 00:58:01 It didn't catch on. Yeah. And so I had the fourth side at least to buy a sandwich. Fourth side. The fourth most important side of the day. Yeah, of course. In the six senses. Yeah, but anytime you see breakfast, that's important.

Starting point is 00:58:16 I bought a sandwich and brought it here to the studio and then at one point when I was hungry it was like, I'm going to eat my sandwich and I started eating it in the studio in front of other people. And then it was pointed out to me, hey, that's kind of a dicky thing to do because we would like to eat a sandwich. All of us have been here the entire time. I was worried if I- It had never occurred to me.

Starting point is 00:58:40 Who pointed this out to you? It might have been Amy Mann. Ah, yes. It might have been you. I can't remember. No, no, no. I bet it was Amy Mann. Amy Mann was, I think the first person I noticed looking at me as if I was an insane person

Starting point is 00:58:51 eating a sandwich in front of everyone. By the way, she was only here for maybe 45 minutes. So she could have like dipped out to get a sandwich in probably five minutes from then and she was going to be done. She could have done a sandwich dip out. The birthday boys and I were here the entire day and we talk about it on the commentary. We had a harrowing lunch experience in the middle of the day where we went to a place across the street that ran out of food or something.

Starting point is 00:59:13 It was very weird. I talk about it on the commentary, but basically what happened is we all ordered, they set down two things immediately that were like things they could prepare right then. And then an hour went by and they wouldn't even look at us. And one of the things was wrong, did not have noodles in it. It was like, it was ramen and they'd never put down the noodles. Now, but you guys ordered, two of the guys ordered peanut butter jelly sandwiches. Sure.

Starting point is 00:59:36 Of course those came right away. Of course. The rest of you ordered souffle. Well, they say allow an hour. What did you expect? What did you expect? No, it was the only time in my life I've done this where we got a few of the dishes and then at a certain point the guy said, this stuff's just not going to come.

Starting point is 00:59:54 And I said, you know what, and he said, and he gave me a bill and he gave me a bill for it. Only a bill? I'm just a bill. He gave me a bill for the complete stuff. And I looked at it and I said, you know what, I'll give you 20 bucks because it was a bill for like 80 or something and we only got a couple of things. So some people never got their food.

Starting point is 01:00:23 I just said, I'll give you 20 bucks for what we ate and he went, yeah, I had to try, and so the other guys went to Arby's across the street. Most of the birthday boys went to Arby's. That makes sense though. You can hear all about it halfway through, but the birthday boys should have just gone to Arby's people. Yeah. And I'm a ramen.

Starting point is 01:00:51 I'm a fancy ramen person. You're a fancy ramen person. They're like, yeah. FRP. Anyway, let me formally apologize to everyone for starting to eat that sandwich in front of them. I should not have done that, but I was out of my mind. That's what we were going through.

Starting point is 01:01:07 I was out of my mind. Yeah. So that was just a voice that I did. I don't even know why I started doing that. But Jarl, that's difficulty speaking. He's an old man or is he a young man? No, he's a young man. It's funny to me that someone, they had to push out their words.

Starting point is 01:01:23 That was the whole character. And so it was initiated on these DVD recordings, which have been delayed for a year now, are finally coming up. But you've done him all throughout the year. Yeah. Because we've recorded the DVD commentary a year ago, like this week, I believe. And you've been doing him all year. Anytime you're recording your own podcast, Spontanea Nation, in this room, you'll come

Starting point is 01:01:45 into the comedy bang bang room before recording. Because I always ask the people in the office who's in there. Right. And if they say comedy bang bang, I will always go in there and do. It's a character that only exists to interrupt comedy bang bang. Because you can't do it the entire hour and 20 minutes or something. It would be too difficult. Right?

Starting point is 01:02:03 I mean, I could do it, but I think it became a thing. It became an interrupter guy. Yeah. It became a thing where I love the idea that it's only for this. Right. For only for this purpose. Yeah. So we'll never talk to him all that much, learn his back.

Starting point is 01:02:16 He's good in five minutes. Let's take a little bit at a time. Little bit. This is the long call. I want the pill. I want the pill. I want the pill. I want the pill.

Starting point is 01:02:24 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want the pill. Oh baby, no I want the pill. I want the pill. Oh baby. Oh those little motherfuckers.

Starting point is 01:02:33 Oh the mama's gonna fuck a lazy. Get it out. Oh. Oh gosh. I want to go. Those mama's gonna fuck a lazy. My bitch's fucking crazy. Birdie.

Starting point is 01:02:43 Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie.

Starting point is 01:02:59 Birdie. birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie.

Starting point is 01:04:46 Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie, birdie, birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie.

Starting point is 01:09:11 Birdsie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie.

Starting point is 01:09:51 Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdsie. Birdie. Así is a birdie.

Starting point is 01:12:17 Birdie. Birdie. Birdie . Birdie . Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie .

Starting point is 01:12:26 Birdie. Birdie . Birdie. Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:12:35 Birdie. Birdie . Birdie . Birdie. Birdie . Birdie. Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:12:43 Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie. Birdie . Birdie. Birdie . Birdie. Birdie.

Starting point is 01:12:51 Birdie. Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:12:59 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:13:31 birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:13:55 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:17:15 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . birdie .

Starting point is 01:26:27 Cameraman . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:33:27 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Mackie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:37:47 Birdie . Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie . 01:37:52,900 --> 01:37:53,900 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:39:13 Birdie . 3 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:40:39 Birdie . Birdie . Woodie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:40:47 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:45:15 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:47:07 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:47:39 Birdie. Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:48:03 Birdie . Birdie . birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:48:19 Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:57:03 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 01:59:32 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdi . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 02:01:19 Birdie . Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 02:01:35 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdsie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 02:06:46 Birdie . Birdie. Birdie . Birdie . birdie. Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 02:09:06 Birdie . Birdie . There's never a man . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie .

Starting point is 02:09:14 Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Birdie . Want to hear ear-wolf pilots before anybody else?

Starting point is 02:09:54 We made a podcast feed just for you. Ear-wolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peaks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes, here at Ear-wolf. Starting January 21st,

Starting point is 02:10:10 Ear-wolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Monplacir's The Wokest, catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lechea. Also, hear upcoming pilots, The Florida Cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This week in sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag

Starting point is 02:10:28 Ear-wolf Presents. Subscribe to Ear-wolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera, or act one of Matt Bessar's punk musical, Stolen Idea. Just search for Ear-wolf Presents in your podcast app and subscribe so you don't miss an update.

Starting point is 02:10:49 Thank you.

Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2015 Pt. 3

The Best of Comedy Bang! Bang! 2015 countdown continues with Scott and special co-host Paul F. Tompkins as they go through numbers six, five, and four on the list of the best episodes YOU voted for. P...lease enjoy and we will see you on New Year's Eve for the final installment!

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