Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2015 Pt. 4

Episode Date: December 31, 2015

At long last, the conclusion of the Best of Comedy Bang! Bang! 2015 countdown with special co-host Paul F. Tompkins is here with your Top 3 episodes of the entire year. Thanks for listening and Happy New Year!

Dark is the color of my coffee, jittery is the energy it gives me, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Benicio Del Borro for that catchphrase. He's having fun with the name. He's having fun and that's what we're going to do on this very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. That's right. We'll recount down your top three episodes of the year of Comedy Bang Bangs. Don't listen to this. Not of everything. Yeah, not of anything in the world. There's a meat the press in there. So someone has watched one episode of Meat the Press that is so good, it's better than the entirety of Game of Thrones. Absolutely. It's so good at Merritt's inclusion in a top three countdown of episodes. Of episodes of

anything. Podcasts, television. Oh, a weird, a psychotic break that I had. Sure. That episode got in there. Are you speaking of Scott? Scott? You're Scott Ockerman. Yeah. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. Yeah. I'm your co-host for these countdowns. Yeah. You're the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Yeah. I'm not. No, you're not. You're the host of Spontaneo Nation. That's right. I show up for these parts. Yep. And speaking of countdowns, not only are we counting down. I'm an interest peaker. An IP. I also peek in the shower. Oh, no. Have you been? When I wash myself. How am I supposed to wash myself? Oh, without peeking. So when you're in the shower, you have your hands over your eyes and you peek through the little

cracks. Oh, look at that. I have, I wear glasses in the shower. Okay. But I've painted eyeballs on. Okay. So it looks like I'm looking straight ahead, but then I'm actually like who are passing by going, oh, he's fine in that shower. He's got his eyes open. Everything's fine. My shower is street level. And it's outside of my house. Oh, sure. Yeah. And it's not a shower. It's just a hose that I put over a fence. Sure. Of course. This is a good story. I'm learning a lot about you. It's a great story. Oh my gosh. So not only are we counting down these episodes. Yes. Yeah. Come on. We're also counting down the hours to a new year. We are. Because this is New Year's Eve. Is it not? Yes. And I did want to ask you something. Yes,

sure. Maybe it's much too early in the game. But I thought I'd ask you just the same. Sure. What are you doing? New year. New Year's Eve, Giz. Saves it. Saves it every time. Giz saves it every time. Saves it every time. What are you doing, New Year's Eve? Obviously, we're not taping this on New Year's Eve. You're listening to it on New Year's Eve. We taped this in the past. What are you doing? What will I be doing? What will you be doing? Will you be awake at the stroke of midnight? I will be, yeah. My beloved and I, we often travel, J. Jane Jameson. She hates vigilantes. Sure. We travel back to Los Angeles on New Year's Eve from South Carolina. One memorable year, we rang in the New Year at baggage claim at LAX.

10. Was anyone shouting that? Here's what happened. We were like, such a long travel day. Was it delayed? Was everything delayed and everything? I think there's probably a delay. Okay. So people are not stoked to be there because they had hoped to get home earlier. No, no, no. It's us and a bunch of other people standing, waiting for our bags. It took a long time and then everyone's just. Gotcha. I don't know why it's a gotcha, but it is somehow. You dared to say something. I tried to slip that comment phrase. We were standing at our baggage claim. Everybody's miserable. And then we heard out on the sidewalk, somebody went, Happy New Year. And then we all at baggage, they looked around and she was like,

Oh, it would be so baller if you were to just turn to the person next to you and give plan a big kiss on them. Like that picture from World War II. The sailor and the nurse. Yeah, sailor and the nurse. Sailor and the nurse all around the house. Here's what they do when they try to catch a mouse. Sailor and the nurse. Sailor and the nurse. Yeah. Perfect. Moving on. Perfect. Guys, stick that in garage band. Isolate it. Put it on a loop. Go fuck yourself. Put it in rock band. Put it in rock band. Play along with it. Oh my God. See if you can win. See if you can win. Oh, it's good now. It's good now. It's good now. It's smart that we take these all in one day. You know what? It's good now. It's good. It's good now that we do

this. It's like a twilight zone. The cornfield. Yeah, cornfield. It's good. It's real good. Stuart, cornfield. It's real good. We just, that's right. For red hour. It's real good. Look them up. From old school. No, no, no, everybody. Cap driver in old school. Zoolander 2. Out soon. What are we doing? We're counting down your top three. Who are we? Who are we? Okay, let's start at the beginning. The Big Bang. There it is. We have the, what you guys do for Comedy Bang Bang. This is your first time listening. What are you doing? This is insane. So what, well Scott, somebody probably said, you know what? I'm going to listen to best of number four. If you're going to be my girlfriend, you've got to get into this comedy podcast. I like so much.

Boy, that is the recipe for disaster. Indeed. And we are the cooks. Yes, sugar to taste. A Dirt Francis mystery. A horse has been killed and cooked. Is it Dick Francis or Dirt Francis? A lot of horse mysteries. A lot of horse mysteries. I think more horse mysteries than actually occur in the world. Do you think the detective in this series of books, like when the phone call comes in, he's like, another horse? You got to be, I mean, after the first one, I figured I retired. Okay. Because I used to work at a bookstore. Right. Every one of those fucking books has a horse and a jockey on the cover. Yeah. How does a guy go, you know what, I'm going to write a bunch of horse mysteries. Is the detective a jockey?

I just, I don't know. I've never read one. Are the horses, do they talk? Is the horse the detective? Wait a minute. What are you trying to tell me? Is he the burger? Give him some peanut butter. Maybe I'll make him talk. Oh my God. Is it Dirk or is it, I bet it's Dick. I think it's Dick Francis. Let me look it up. Ah, look up for time. I'll tell you what, look up horse and then Dick and see what comes up. Oh, good idea. Oh, no. Giz. Giz. Giz music. So we're counting down, people vote on their favorite comedy bang bang episodes of the year. We count them down. This is the top three. These are the best of the year.

And you know, a lot of, a lot through the year, through the years, I never let you down. What's that? The tone of the song is like, here's the great things I did for you. Hey, guess what? I never let you down. You fucking let down bitch. How dare you. You let yourself down. I'm not the one who did it. Go make my pizza. Get Dick Francis on the case. It's Dick Francis, by the way. It is. Wow. And is he a horse? Did you find that out? Okay, look it up. Let me just ask you. Look it up, Polly. Look it up. I'm gonna ask Google. Is Dick Francis a horse? Ask Siri. Look it up, Polly. Look it up. Look it up, Polly. Look it up. Look it up, Polly. Look it up. Okay, here we're gonna ask Siri. Here we go.

Siri, is Dick Francis a horse? Oh, good news. It just says yes. Yes. Oh, it was a question. Hold on. There we go. Come on, Siri. Don't embarrass me in front of everyone. Siri. How can I help you? Is Dick Francis a horse? Checking. Here's what I found on the web. Well, the first thing is Wikipedia. Okay. So, presumably that will tell us whether or not. If Dick Francis is a horse or not. Dick Francis obituary. Uh-oh. Sorry, Dicky Boy. You're dead. Are you a dead horse? Glue factory for Dicky Boy. Oh, there's a picture of a man and a horse. I don't know

which one is Dick Francis. Oh, well, we don't know. We'll never know. Dick Francis lost that race. We shot him in the head. Let's just assume he's a horse. Okay. The court stipulates Dick Francis is a horse. And blowing nose and blowing nose. Blowing nose and blowing nose. Blowing nose and blowing nose. Oh, very good. All right. Why don't we get to it? What do you say? Yeah, man, let's do it. Let's get to it. Come on. I want to get to it. Let's do it. This is your episode number three. Number three. All right. Here we go. This is the third most popular Comedy Bang Bang episode of the year, and this is episode 355. Scott, can I stop you right there?

Yes, please. This has been a year of many, many good episodes. Many good episodes. This is maybe the best year of Comedy Bang Bang yet. Some people say that, and I appreciate it. I, you know, I've been working hard on it, but they're only as good as they can be when you do them. They're all improv, so you never know. Well, you took the fun out of that. Go ahead. Blp. No. Uh, it's been great. I mean, I think this is the best year. I really do. So many great people have dropped by this year, and so many good classic episodes, I think, and these three are among them, definitely. But this is number three. This is from June 8th. This is an episode entitled Kid Detectives. Kid Detectives. Now, what this is, is Thomas Middleditch, of course.

You heard him earlier. Immediate fan favorite. Immediate. From the moment it was released, it was bestowed upon him. Fan favorite, you are. I remember it was released, and the fans got together, and they said, we got to put out a press release. Here we go. Attention. The two all people who listened to the thing. What are they talking into? Mr. Microphone. We'll be back to pick you up later. Good looking. We'll be back to pick you up later. So the two people who can maybe my favorite reference of all time. Oh my God. No one would ever. It's the most dissapointing gift to get. The most misleading commercial I think I've ever seen. Mr. Microphone according to the commercial, if you had it, you could walk by someone's radio and talk into the

microphone, and your voice would come out of their radio. And so it's like a guy had a Mr. Microphone and two good-looking women are driving like in a jeep, an open-faced jeep. An open-faced jeep. Excuse me, may I order an open-faced jeep? Do you remember that episode of Mash where Klingor ate the jeep? Oh yes I do. Open-faced. Open-faced, of course. But two women in a jeep are driving by, and a guy speaks into his microphone and goes, hey, good looking. They all look around like, what is this? And then he's like, I'll be back to pick you up later. Or maybe he was in the car. He was in the car. Okay, sure. But whatever. But anyway, the point of this all is you then order the Mr. Microphone, and I ordered one. Did you have one? No, I did not. Okay,

you order it. I coveted it for sure. You order it, and what do you find out? That it will only be picked up on radios that are tuned to a certain station, and that certain station is in the lower frequencies in like the 87s or 86s or whatever, where no one would ever tune their radio to. So it's like fun, if you tune your own radio to it, then you have a little loudspeaker. Then you have a loudspeaker, the end. Or you play, you want to put it in another room. Like if you're, here's how you think when you're a kid. Right. I'll tune the radio style. I'll put it in the other room, and then I'll pretend like I'm in a news announce, or like, oh, aliens of land. Or I'll make fart sounds when someone's just down. Or that. Or that. But that's the only difference

in our childhood. That's the only fun to be had with this thing. Yeah. You can't do the, hey, good look, and I'll be back to pick you up later, scam. What about the guy who was dancing down the street singing jingle bells, holding his radio? It's like, we need him to sing a song. It's got to be the public domain, though. Yeah, what do we got? How about jingle bells? How about this melody? Wait, not any other note? Just the one. Okay. Yeah, I'll do it. I blame the actor in the commercial too. I blame all of them. They should not have agreed to be in it. They're all, none of them. They're all complicit. They're all complicit. They're all complicit. I don't want to hear, I was just following orders. Can I tell you another misleading one? For me as a child,

more misleading than the Mr. Microphone. Okay. There was a toy called Big Track. Big Track. It was like a futuristic tank kind of thing. And it was, it was battery power. And the idea was it had a keypad that you could program it to do different moves and stuff. So you could program a, a sort of a course for it to follow. Okay. And on the commercial, the kid is playing with it and he's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, presses on the keypad. And then Big Track like goes around, it starts to go down, like it looks like it's going to go down some stairs, but then it like backs up, turns around, goes the other way. Backs up, turns around, goes the other way. That's right. That was, you remember the song? Yeah, of course. Like at one point, it goes by

the, the family cat and then it turns and shoots a laser at the cat, which was just like a little light flashed and then there was quite a great noise. Like, boop, boop, boop, boop. And the cat like jumped out of the way. I think the cat just sat there. Yeah, sounds like a cat. When you actually got the toy, which I did. And I was thrilled to the gills to get this thing. Oh my goodness. There's, you can't figure, it takes so much trial and error to figure out the distance. Oh, you have to pre-program everything? Yeah, you pre-program everything. Oh, man. Meanwhile, you're cat is sitting there going, well, come on. I'm waiting for my scene. Get back, jump back, turn the other way. That's what I call the big track today.

Oh, we're losing our minds. We really are. Okay, did we do it yet? No, we didn't. We were going to get to it. So it's number three. Number three. This is Kid Detectives. So Thomas was, people kept asking me, get, get Thomas back. When are we going to get him back? He's back. Paul, if Tom gets it on too much. No. Paul, if Tom gets it on more, they say. Oh. That didn't happen. I think what, what the situation of this was Thomas and Lauren were at a show at an improv show and they started improving these characters for like five minutes. And then I think it was Thomas called me up and said, me and Lauren want to do a show together. And I was like, oh, okay, what do you want to do? And he told me what they were. So these guys are on as themselves because they,

they had the Silicon Valley season finale was on that week and Lauren was in Jurassic World that week. Oh, that's right. So they were on as themselves, which was, which was rare, strange for Lauren to do. But that was really funny. And then the next, next segment we came back and here are the characters they're doing. The Kid Detectives, this is your number three. Number three. These are a couple of interesting young children who have their own business we'll talk about. I want to welcome JJ and Murphy O'Malliman. Hey. Hey. Are you saying hey to each other or? Oh, yeah, we haven't seen each other in a while. Oh, hey. Hey. Yeah, we haven't seen each other in like, I don't know, 20 minutes. Turn your focus to me and say hey to me. What do you say? Hey. Hey. Okay. Yeah,

when an adult says hello or introduces you, it's customary to bow. No, no, you don't have to bow. Please stop that. Please. You're doing like a Japanese half-bowl. Please stop that. I recently learned that. Yeah, from the Japanese. Uh-huh. Yeah. Now you got, you kids, how old are you guys? Well, I'm 10. You could say I'm eight. Okay, I will say it because it's the truth or are you like? No, you could say it, but I'm really 11. We're having fun. That's a lot of fun. We like to have fun. How, what was the distance in between your births? Was it nine months or was it a year and a half or? Yeah, it was about nine months. My parents, they did it once, they had me, and then they did it again and had him yuck. So what's your number? Yeah, I remember them doing it. Murphy,

what's your birthday? It's September 6th. Uh-huh. And so JJ, that would make yours then. 9-11. Okay, that makes sense. All right, so now you guys have an interesting business, I know. You could say that. Yeah. Wait, so do you or don't you? We do. Well, we think it's pretty normal, but I understand that. Not a lot of kids do it. Yeah, well, not a lot of kids have businesses, nor are they entrepreneurs. Yeah, I guess that's true. We've been trying to get this business off the ground for a while, but it's really working out now. Yeah, it's really humming. So you guys have gotten it off the ground. Yeah, it's flying. Yeah, are you incorporated or what do you have, an LLC or? I don't know, how do you answer that? Do you just cash under the table?

Grown up questions make me nervous. Look, we just get monies from the people. Do you accept travelers checks, diners club? Just dollars and cents, sir, please. Dollars and cents, okay. Look pal, it's just a detective agency, that's it. Okay. We're kid detectives. You're kid detectives. Yeah, sobbing crimes and making people do time. Yeah, hard time. You're putting people in jail? Meaning your testimony, do you perform citizens' arrests or? We lock them up in the slammer. Built our own jail in my dad's basement. What? Yeah, it's cool. Okay, I don't know that it's cool. How many convicts do you have? We got three rotting right now. Yeah, serving their time. Everyone is rotting, technically. Yes, so. Wow, what a creep.

From the moment you're born, your body starts decaying and dying. Hey, this guy's making me nervous. So, well, that's adorable. So, other than the locking people up, I believe you're depriving them of their constitutional rights by locking them into, or are the police aware of this? No, the cops don't know. Did you notice our uniforms? Yeah, we don't have any uniforms. We're in street clothes, cities. Wait, what did you say? Do you notice our uniforms? And then you, of course, said, of course, we don't have any. Did you notice them? How could you? They're non-existent. Yeah, of course. Very good. So, if you were to have uniforms, our uniforms are shorts and t-shirts. Just kid clothes, buddy. Okay, yeah. So, how did you get interested in this? I mean, this is an

interesting occupation for a young child to be in. I mean, a lot of kids, they're out there on the playground, or they're like, hey, I love my dolly, I like my Barbies. Well, we'll tell you. One night, a couple of our friends dared us to go an old man withers his old abandoned house. That's creepy. Yeah. And we said, I don't know, that looks, this is scary. Now, is that a direct quote? Yeah. That's why you were stuttering like that? Is that exactly what you said? Well, our knees were knocking, sir. Oh, okay. Certainly. Sir. Thank you for that modicum of respect directed at me. Yeah. So, they dared us to spend one night in there, and we did it, and there was a ghost, and we found out that all it was wanting was just to

know that people really remembered it. Okay. All right. So, a real ghost. Yeah. Are you guys nervous right now? Yeah. Just talking about it. I'm scared, just thinking about the ghost. Yeah. Well, we had our notepad and our flashlight, and a bunch of marshmallows. And our backwards hats. Okay. So, did the marshmallows come into play ever? We ate them for sustenance. Yeah, you big dumb toy toy. Okay. I thought maybe you used it to catch the act of play. Okay. Act of what? Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. Who is this guy? Now, I don't know that this is detection work as much as going into a house and just seeing a ghost. Well, we haven't told you about our current crime. Did you guys hear that? By the way,

there was like a door squeak. That's what made me stop at my words. Yeah, stop. Right in my words. Yeah, because you said your current crime, but you must have been current crime stopping. Yeah, we're on a case right now. Yes, case. Okay. What is the case you're on right now? Well, somewhere in the city of Los Angeles, there's a guy who's skinning women alive. And we're skinning women alive. Yeah. And we've come across a couple of skinned bodies still sort of in their last moments of life. They've been flayed. Yeah. And we're taking it upon ourselves to figure out who did it. Yeah. How did you come across these bodies? I mean, one is weird enough, but you've come across more than one? Well, the first one was our mom. Yeah, and we sure do miss her.

Okay. But don't worry. We put her out of her misery real quick. We put a bunch of salt on her. Yeah. Wait a minute. That is not putting. She shrunk up like a slug. That's not putting someone out of their misery. That's lengthening their pain to put her out of, you know, I would have grabbed a brick or something and bashed her in the head or something like that. Hey, that's her mom. Okay. She tried to put a salt lick. Yeah. Okay. So this was the first case. This was the first instance of this happening. Yeah. And then, you know, well, we wandered her on town, kind of sad, kind of missing our mom. Yeah. Our dad wasn't around. Ever since that happened, he's been on the lam. Yeah. We wonder who did it to our mommy. And so we went out searching

and we found other ladies from her book club who were all flayed and dead. Yeah. Other ladies from her book club. Yeah. Okay. So we think it has something to do with the book they were reading. Yeah. What book were they reading? A Tale of Two Cities. Did you hear that? Is that that ghost again? Ghost. So they were reading A Tale of Two Cities. They were reading A Tale of Two Cities by Dickens. No. An updated version. By JK Rowling. Okay. And are all of the women, you went around to the women in this book club. Why did you go to the first one, by the way? Well, we wanted to see if maybe they knew who killed our mom. Yeah. Okay. These are her closest friends. Yeah.

Nancy, who's the first woman we stopped at, she was always really nice. She took us in when we were running away from our dad sometimes. Oh, okay. Because sometimes our dad would chase us with a knife and say he was going to skin us. Oh, okay. Well, that's interesting. But moving on to the case, what Nancy is the first woman you dropped by and where was she? Describe the scene. Well, we opened the door and then we went through the hallway and then we went to the kitchen, which was covered in blood and the skins. And she had hostess cupcakes. Yummy. Cool. So we had a bit of a cupcake right there and then. Our mom never let us have those when she was alive. Yeah. So we split one and two and then each had a half. We don't want to overdo it.

So you had a quarter of a cupcake. No, I said half. Oh, I thought you meant you split one and two and then each had a half of that half. I had an eighth of an eighth. Math is getting very complicated for me right now. All right. So you haven't seen the body at this point. No, sir. And we went upstairs to her room and we went in her bathroom and she was in her tub. Yeah. Any water in the tub or I would imagine there's a lot of blood. Just blood. Yeah. Just a whole lot of blood. And her face with no skin and no nose. How did you recognize her? How did you know it was Nancy? She was holding the buck. Yeah. And she was still alive. Oh, and she said my name is Nancy in case you don't recognize me. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like you were there. Oh,

I mean, were you there? Well, no, I have an alibi for that night. Where the heck were you that night? Well, I have an alibi for May 31st. How do you know what day it was? What? Okay, Marv. Good cup, bad cup. Okay. Take notes. All right, Mr. Want a snack? Yeah. Yeah, I would love a snack. I mean, do you have any kind of like dry peanuts? Sure. I'll get some from 7-Eleven. You be bad. Now, listen up, bozo. Hey, where were you? I have a red nose because all my capillaries in it have burst because of my drinking. Doesn't mean that you can call me bozo. I don't suppose you were drinking on the night of June 6, 19. I'm back. What date are you talking about? I'm talking about the deity invasions again. She said it was May 31st. Oh, sorry. What were you doing on May 31st?

I mean, I was sitting around at home by myself, not calling anyone on the telephone. Oh, he was going to say killing time. Oh, let me see your wallet. Oh, certainly. Here you go. $2? $8? $12? $100? $112. One plus one plus two, that's four. Four Washington Lane. The next clue is in the White House. Let's go. Four Washington Lane. You guys are going to be lost. What are you talking about? No, no, that's not where the- Lost. Lost the show. John Locke. L-O-S-T. Four letters. Four letters. Four Washington Lane. The next clue is at the White House. Let's go, guys. Sounds like you just want to go to the White House and you don't know where it is. It is. It is. Four letters. Four Washington Lane. The White House. The next clue is at the White House. We have to

go. What are we doing? We're wasting time. Let me give you a tip. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That's where you want to go. So you know the location we have to go to for the next clue. I don't think there's any clues at this White House. I think we were right. The clue is at the White House all along. Yeah. Just because you stress something doesn't mean that it makes sense. It sounds like the clue is at the White House this whole time. Okay, no, guys. Wait, there's a White- We live in a White House. Mom? Dad? Who killed Mom? Okay, guys, what? Looking through my notes, pictures, drawings of Mom. She's dead. Who did it? Okay, can I say something about your deductive reasoning skills? If you gotta. Geez. I don't know that you're that good at this. Okay. Hey, we've solved a

bunch of cases. Yeah. Who are the three guys in the basement? Well, one's our principal. Okay, by the way, are these guys that your dad just chased around with a knife and locked up in the basement? No, our principal was really mean. So we locked him up to teach him a lesson. Yeah, and he was also spying on kids. What crime is he spying on kids? He poked holes in the bathroom wall, and he put his eyes behind the holes. Yeah, and then when he was getting ready, he shoved his wiener in there. At what point was he good and ready? When he said, I'm good and ready, here comes the wiener. He sang the dreidel song. He said, and when it's good and ready, I'll shove it through the wall. He said, dreidel, dreidel,

dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it's good and ready, I'll shove it through the wall. Okay, it's a strange catchphrase for this guy, but yeah, well that's what Mr. Salberg gets. But you need to know what his penis looks like. Oh, okay. A dreidel. Yeah. He was plenty of thin coming out and then got really wide and then pointing at the bottom. Yeah, and it had all those symbols on it. Oh, okay. Like none. Yeah, he was a dibbak. Okay, so this was the first guy that you put away? Yeah, you could say that. Okay, is it true? Yeah. Yeah, well the first guy we tried to put away, he ran, so we shot him. Oh boy, what was his crime? Running away. Was it sort of a stand to your ground law kind of situation? Look, when two kids of the law come up to you and start

asking questions, don't run away. That just makes you look guilty. Okay, what were you asking questions about? Well, where's the nearest peanut store? And like, what do you do if you wet your pants but you don't have new ones? Yeah, and how can you cry as quiet as again? And like, what do you do if you're dead? Come smack you in the head? Yeah, and if you shaved half your head by accident, how long will it take for the rest of it to grow back? And if you have a scrape up your back from being whipped, what does that mean? Yeah, and how long would it take to peel off all your fingernails and it will hurt? And then he ran away. And then he ran away from you two weird creepy kids and then you brought out a gun and shot him in the back? Yeah. We're not creepy, we're detectives. Yeah.

We keep the creeps off the streets. I see, I see, I understand. But we do pack heat. Oh, okay. Yeah, we shot him with a potato gun. Oh, okay. Okay, well that's not that bad, right? It broke his skull. Oh, and lodged into his brain? Yeah, and he's allergic to potatoes. Oh, okay. Which we knew. Okay, so this is premeditated. Yeah. Oh my gosh. We're not clutching around. All right, so you, so that was the first guy and then you moved on to your principal and then there were a couple others and then no. Yeah, also we solved the crime of who stole the treasury from the student body at our school. Oh, who was this? Well, it turned out to be class president, Jeanine Garoppolo. Jeanine Garoppolo? Yeah. Yeah. We let her become a famous stand-up

comedian. Yeah. Wait, so was she sort of like, you know, how they gave Dr. William H. Cosby a honorary doctor? Was she honorary class president of your, because she was so famous? Yeah. Did she go to your high school? No, we're not in high school. We're in elementary school. Oh, that's right, you're in elementary school. Yeah, you big dumb, donk, donk. Well, I mean, yeah, okay. I'm Scott Ackman. I'm a pig. Come on, come on. I'm a pig. I just want to eat popcorn and gold. You know what? I don't really appreciate that kind of characterization of me. You know, I mean... Let me roll around the mud. Okay. That was real. That was really good. Yeah. We've seen you. What? We've seen you roll around the mud. Yeah, we saw you in front of your

house. How have you seen? One, two, three, cherry face lane. Yeah. What have you guys been doing there? Well, we've just been following clues. Let's just say you're on the suspect list. Yeah, we didn't want to tell you, but you're our number one. Wait, is that why you guys are here? Is that how you got on the show? Is because you wanted to interrogate me? You could say that. Yeah. You could say that. For words. For Washington Lane. The next clues at the White House. Guys, guys, no. Take us there, Mr. Ockerman. No. Come on. Let's drive. I can't tell if I'm... It won't take that long, sir. I can't tell if I'm a suspect in this crime or whether you just are looking for a field trip. Well, both. Because the fun part about searching for clues is that you get to learn

lessons along the way. And what better lesson to learn than our nation's history at the White House? Maybe we can meet Mr. Obama. Oh, cool. You guys are interested in history? I mean, obviously, you know a little bit about the invasion of Normandy. Oh, man. Gold, Juno, sword. Those are all the Commonwealth and British beaches. Cool. All I care about is the Challenger Exploding. That's all you want to know about? Yeah. That's the only piece of American history you're interested in. Yeah, and I haven't learned much. Man, she loves that Challenger Explosion. Okay. I watched the video over and over. Okay. Yeah. The night our mom died, that's all she did. The night that lady who was a teacher who had a dream died in a spaceship, I knew

it would be the best video I've ever seen in my life. Okay. All right. I have to ask you guys, are you really trying to solve this crime of your mother being flayed alive and eventually leading to her demise? Well, wouldn't you want to solve it if your mommy was flayed? Wouldn't you want to know who did that to your mommy? Sure, but are you sure that maybe you guys didn't, you know, do it? We never had sex. No way. We're brother and sister. That's my sister. We've only finger banged. Yeah, that's my brother. I really jerked him off. Okay, guys. Wait, you're ten. So? You're ten. She's eleven. Okay. And kids got to get it on. All right. All right. Guys, guys. There's one thing we know. Kids got to get it on. After you poured salt on your mother,

you guys didn't do any like weird stuff over the body, right? I mean. Not weird, unless you think it's weird to ride her like a pony with my brother's arms around my waist. Okay. I don't know where that falls on the weird spectrum. I'm not really sure. I've never imagined it. I was just holding on. It's sometimes the ride gets real bumpy, so I got to grab her breasts. It's cool. All right. Number three. Oh, so good. So good. We didn't even get to the special mind control powers that Thomas's character had, where he says he broke a dog once. That's coming up in that. So go back and listen to that complete thing. It's very, very funny. And so many people constantly tweeting to me, Lauren, and Thomas about Four Washington Lane.

Oh, me too, by the way. I wasn't even in. I had nothing to do with it. But I feel like anything, anything I've ever tweeted that had the number four in it, someone who would... It gets stuck in someone's mind. Wait a minute, four Washington Lane. The next clue is in the White House. So good. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have your top two episodes of the year. We'll be right back. Are you listening to the words coming out of my mouth? Hey, everyone. Just want to remind you, we've stocked up the Year Wolf store with lots of stuff to wear, hang, or give this holiday season. Check out the new comedy, Bang Bang Hoodies. A limited edition screen printed poster, or our instant classic Haynong Man, or all joking

a salad tease. Each sale supports the show and helps us employ a guy named Nick that chips all this stuff from a bunker in LA. Hi, Nick. Support Year Wolf and Comedy Bang Bang by visiting yearwolf.com, click shop, and get 10% off with the code bang bang. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Paul F. Tomkin. Hey, that's me. You're Scott Ackerman. I am. I recognize you from the money. From the money? You're on money, right? I'm on money. Yeah. Yeah. I decided. That's what all the money I get from Year Wolf. Yeah. Well, that may not be valid outside of Year Wolf bucks. Yeah, Year Wolf bucks. They're only valid here in the Year Wolf studios to spend on things. In the company store. Yeah. It's a lot like the Wheel of Fortune, the old Wheel of Fortune,

when you could just buy things that were. That was the best when they would take up so much time. They would have all this stuff. I mean, the people would, I guess there was a time limit on it, right? Because the people like, I'll take the, I'll take the vases. I'll take the. They instilled a time limit in it mainly because people were like, maybe I'll get the, should I say chips? Dining room set. Cheers. Cheers. Terrible prizes. It's strange how slow that show used to be. But then again, it wasn't loaded with ads back then. So like they barely have enough time to do the episode now. Think about everyone shopping every time someone won a clue. Shopping. Women be shopping.

All right. Let's get to it. Let's. Let's do it. This is your number two. Number two. All right. This is an episode, episode 336 from February 22. This is an episode called not farts and procreation 4. Oh, very special episode. VSE. I want to say VSP. I don't know why. Maybe the P episode. Special VSP. Let's call it a VSP. Yeah, it is a VSP. I like from now on. This was the, what's the thing that comes to mind when you think of this episode? It was the fourth in the farts and procreation series. Well, that's the, the most, the thing that most people think. I guess so. Yeah. What a weird question. I don't know how to answer it. No, of course, this was our good friend, Harris Whittles, his last episode of comedy bang bang ever.

True. True. That is not the first thing that comes to mind though. No, what is it? Well, I mean, I don't know. I guess it's the way you asked that question was I feel like I was, I was assuming, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I don't know what the fuck you were thinking either. Do you know what the fuck I was thinking? I know it's kind of easy. That's what you were thinking. For those of you maybe new to the program who just started this year, a gentleman named Harris Whittles was a regular on the podcast for several, several years. He's in the television show as well, playing a couple parts, probably most importantly the temp who was taking over for

bookie for an episode. And by the way, I don't know if I've talked about this, but on that last day that I talked to him when I was at the wedding, I talked about it a little bit in the intro for this episode where we recorded this episode that you're going to hear a segment from like five days before Harris passed away. And then I don't know, was that close? Yeah, it was that close. Five days. Something like, I think it was five or six days before. Then two or three days later,

I saw him at a wedding and we talked about what we talked about and you can listen to this episode and hear the intro for it. But also one thing that he was, he'd been trying to get me to do was bring his character back on the TV show as a regular. As a regular. As a regular, yes. He wanted to be on the show every episode. And I kind of wish I had honestly, but he was really making a hard sell for that while we were at this wedding. Yeah, he's like, I don't think I can come back, you know? I mean, I'm trying to do him, but I can't really do him.

It's a little cosby. You know, Ben Carson with The Pyramids and The Brains. I love brains. I want to open up as many skulls as possible, don't you know? Don't you know? Don't you know? Anyway, so yeah, we recorded this five days before Harris passed away. If you're new to the show and you don't know the whole history of it, Harris was great. He was not only on this show a lot, but he and I had a separate podcast, the Analyze Fish podcast that we did, but very few episodes.

You're part of the Analyze Fish family. That's the extended Analyze Fish family. But I feel like we only did six episodes maybe, and you did two as part of, you were analyzing the movie Jaws. Yes. Analyze Fish. Yes. And he and I were analyzing the band Fish.

That's right. One of the strangest podcast switcheroo's in history. Some people not happy about it. Nope, but in the story and history of podcast switcheroo's. That was one of the strangest. He was also on You Talking You Too to Me a couple episodes of that and very funny dude and who, you know, when we've seen it since he passed away 10 months ago now, we've seen how his influence has kind of extended from parks and recreation,

to humble brag, to his stand up, to these podcasts. And so, you know, we talk about it in the episode. I didn't know whether to release this or not because it was so fresh, so fresh and so clean. Where's that drop? But I'm glad that we did. And honestly, I am because, and I talk about this a little bit in the episode, when we had a get together at my house where a lot of his friends came over to our place to talk about him right after it happened, a lot of people were saying how they had been listening

to his podcast episodes just to, you know, hear his voice again, hear his sense of humor. Everyone was quoting all of his Harris' phone corners. So, you know, I'm glad I put it out and I'm glad, you know, I'm glad you put it out too. And I think it really was, I think it was helpful for those of us that knew Harris. And I didn't know him as well as you did. But Harris was a guy who in my life was somebody that I was always happy to see, that every time I saw him, he was just a positive force, you know what I mean?

Like, I always had great conversations with him and it was like a little bit of joking around, but we could have real conversations. Yeah, he was a real guy. Yeah, he really was. And he liked, he really liked to engage with people on a human level. I would always go pick up, he would dog sit Rocky several times and I would always go pick him up and I would always leave like an hour and a half in that, so I could just kind of like sit down with him and chat with him.

Yeah, he was a really good and sweet guy. And so in addition to helping those of us that knew Harris, and it was great to hear that and it really was helpful to hear that. I think that it helped a lot of people who were fans of the show, who only knew Harris through his work. It would be weird if he just disappeared too. Yeah, absolutely. It was kind of like we had this one in the chamber, so why not put it out?

Yeah, and I also think for a lot of younger people who are comedy fans, who maybe haven't experienced this kind of loss in their life yet, that it was helpful to kind of hear this after that happened. I don't know, just to ease the pain a little bit. Well, I'm glad people liked it. I'm glad people voted for it. And when I put it out, I was kind of like, do I even put it in the voting?

I almost feel like it's like to vote on it is, but at the same time, who cares? It's not number one. It shouldn't even be number one. It's like to sympathy vote it is not the right thing to do, but it is super, super funny. And I'm going to play the first segment from it, not in its entirety, but quite a bit of it.

This is, of course, Harris, Whittles, as well as Adam Scott and Chelsea Peretti. And Chelsea's, I was listening to it last night, Chelsea's in a great mood and so funny. And Adam, of course, is great. And we're just having a really, really good time. So this is not farts and procreation four, the final one in the quadrilogy. And here it is.

This is your number two. Let me introduce you collectively. The Farts and Pro crew is here. Hello, guys. Welcome to the show. It's been too long. It took four years to schedule this. Yeah, we've been trying to schedule

this fourth one since the first one. Has it really been? How long has it been since the last one? Who cares? I'm not a fucking historian. Whoa. Well, I am. You definitely were not in the calendar year of last year.

I think it was the summer of the year previous, 2013. So we're going on two years. So I know what you did that summer. I know what you did that summer. So wait, I know what you did that summer. I know what you did that summer. But what did you do last summer? Should we just talk about what we all did last summer?

Sure, why not? I don't remember anything. I put on a spooky mask. I killed a bunch of teenagers. Wow. The air conditioning ended right as there was a pause. It just literally took the air out of the room, man. Guys, what is happening?

First of all, you're all here. How do you feel about Parks and Rec ending? I mean, Adam, no one knew who you were before then. You had tiny little pop-up rolls and Veronica Mars. And of course, you were in the summer. You were Mr. Building. Was it Saved by the Bell? What were you in?

What? You played Mr. Building. Yeah, so. That was pretty well known. Thank you, Chelsea. And you used to get a handy every week on Tell Me You Love Me. That's right. You were Jack A.

That's right. Jack A. off on 227. Jack A. And so this was a career milestone for you. And then Harris and Chelsea, I mean, you were both you know, writers of note perhaps and tinier projects, but this has made your careers. How do you feel about the end of this program?

Adam is crying. Adam, what's going on? Where are you? I mean. I hope those are tears of joy. Well, it's hard. What is? Oh, my God.

My penis. And that makes you cry? Why are you crying though? It's natural. Has it been four hours or more? It makes me so happy. So they're tears of joy. It's hard.

Okay. All right. How seldom do you get a hard penis? You cry every 20 minutes. You get a hard one every 20 minutes and you cry every 20 minutes? Is this year round or just during pilot season? Well, for me, 20 minutes is two weeks. Oh, my God.

Okay. All right. Oh, well, times a flat circle. Oh, my God. That's true. Yeah. I think I left my... Oh, no.

What's going on? What's going on, Julie? Share it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Chelsea has not stopped taking things out of bags. She has two bags. First of all, she has a bag inside her bag. She took that out.

And then she has a sunglasses bag inside that bag she took out. Can you play that Eric Abadou bag lady song now? Yeah. 00:47:45,500 --> 00:47:46,060 Thank you. Speaking of bag inside a bag, there was that baby that was born with a baby in her belly. What? What?

In China, it was the 200th reported case of it. Really? So some of... Opulation out of control. Yeah. That's like babies having babies. Literally. Yeah.

Total jinx. God, what are the... Doctor probably didn't know whether to slap it on the fanny or congratulate. Or abort. Or give it an abortion. Or slap it on the fanny, then give it an abortion. Do you understand how small that coat hanger is? That's not how they do it at a hospital.

Was that... Was that... Was the baby inside the baby? Was the tiny, tiny baby? Was that one dead? That one, the baby inside? No. Actually, she just graduated magna cum laude.

Wow. Yeah. They're gonna abort it with a Barbie coat hanger. I like this, yeah. I like this line of thinking. I love this. This is good, good, good. This is a rich mind.

Stay in this. Let's live in this. How do you feel, guys? The show's ending tomorrow. Empty. I'm... It's sad, but it's also happy because it's still good. What's still good?

The show. Oh, you think so? Well, how do you... Well, how do you see left? I don't know. How do you feel, Harris? I'm sad, but happy that everyone's enjoying it. Yeah, he took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh, Jesus. The reluctance. Why can't you guys just for once say, look... It's sad. I haven't learned how to connect with my emotions. Look, it's sadder when things are canceled prematurely. I feel like this is like when an old person dies, you're like, well, they had a good life.

Like, parks, I feel like they had such a full... It was canceled at the right time. Yeah. It wasn't canceled. It wasn't canceled. I mean, technically it was. They didn't want any more episodes. They chose...

We chose to walk away on top. Harris is crying now. You didn't choose anything. Harris, come on. My penis is hard. Oh, man, this is unrelated again. I'm crying. You're telling me that if they came to Mike Shure and said,

hey, you know what? We actually want more than 13. We want 22, and we want another season. That happened. They were like, we want four more seasons. Bullshit. And Mike said, nope, walking away. Bullfucking shit.

And I was in the room. It was me, Mike, Les Moonves. He's not even on NBC. You just wanted to be there? And I was like... Is he like Uwatu the Watcher? He's there for important events. Exactly.

OK. And I said, Mike, we can't walk away. We got stories left to tell. Harris, new fashioned writer. Yeah. And then Les was like, dollars, baby. Come on, I want those dollars, baby. Boku Dolores.

And I killed him. So what really happened? You were playing guitar. Les Moonves. He's dead. He's dead. How does Julie feel about this? I don't know who that is.

Julie Chen? Julie Chen, only one of them. Oh, yeah. She's a parking spot. Where? She does. At Radford. I will straight sit at that parking spot.

So does Les Moonves. He does. He does? At CBS Rad? Oh, because it's CBS. Yeah. Well, that's fantastic. CBS, no.

CBS Radford. The CBS on Radford Street? No, it's the studio pharmacy. A pharmacy. Do you know CBS Pharmacy? They have on at Laurel Canyon and Ventura. There are two CBSs right across the street from each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bananas. But I think, yeah. Well, it's cool because if one CBS doesn't have your, if you're embarrassing, Jesus, then you go across the street and you buy your what fucking Maxi pads? Christ. Or you keep getting an embarrassing disease over and over and you have to get your pills.

You alternate so they think you have the clap only once or twice a year instead of like every three months. Is the clap still? Clap is still a thing. Measles. No, measles is the new thing. But you know, gonorrhea is still a problem, guys. Are you guys anti-vaxxers?

I don't know how I feel. I assume it's good to get vaccinated just because all the measles photos I saw. You were a real hot button issue these days. Isn't it? Yeah, but I want to casually throw my hat in the ring. I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole. Why? Harris, you love controversy.

Oh, not this. This is too rich. Harris is controversial on everything else, but now he's suddenly death mute and dumb. That's controversial. You know, like don't forget that or something. You're being ableist. I learned that from Tumblr.

Yeah. So anyway, the show's gone. Good riddance. You guys are fine with it. Perce. Oh. Yeah, you know what? Something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

So you guys play that in the final episode? The time of your life. We just air that music video. The full 21 minutes slowed down. Although it's an hour. You're right. It's an hour. You guys have an hour finale.

What do we have planned on the finale? By the way, by the time this airs, there will be a very special guest who will have made an appearance. Meaning on last week's episode? Yeah. Who? Do you know who I'm talking about?

You guys can just say it. If it's who I think, then you're not really able to be discussed. Genuine was already on it. Yeah, you're right. You guys can just say it because it aired last week. All right, we'll say it. Nick Offerman.

Yeah. Why are you guys being so cagey? Because it's not. You're not privy, bro. Oh, shit. But it happened last week. It happened last week. Get privy.

I think. I don't think we can even. Okay, it's Lenny Crabs. Get privy with it. Whoa! Lenny Crabs. And Katy Perry. And Left Shark.

Yay. Left Shark? Do you not know about this meme? No. Hashtags. Oh, dude. What's that? Can we stop the show?

Yep, here we go. Click. All right, what do you got, Harris? Left Shark was Katy Perry's backup dancer at the Super Bowl. Oh, right, right. And he was doing crazy stuff, like dancing all weird. So what happened? Well, Left Shark, it turned out, was a serial, convicted serial pedophile.

No! No, that's not what happened at all. But you mentioned. 00:54:09,180 --> 00:54:10,940 You're just like, I didn't hear that. You mentioned serial and I got excited because that's my favorite podcast. I love serial. Oh, my God.

That is fented podcast. You know what? That got me so addicted to podcasts. What's your favorite serial pedophile? Mine's Jim. It's just Foam Corner, by the way. Let's hear the Foam Corner theme. Here we go.

Oh, fuck, man. Have a sense, Foam Corner. Let's do it. Let's do it. Come on, Have a sense, Foam Corner. What? Yo, come on, Have a sense, Foam Corner. Foam, give the phone.

It's a Foam Corner. That, of course, is the Foam Corner theme by Reggie Watts, who is concluding his run on Comedy Bang Bang. It was announced last week, who's replacing him, Kid Cuddy. We're very excited about that. And he's got so much, thanks for all your tweets about that. He's got so much excitement about the new gig and a lot of enthusiasm.

So I'm looking forward to him being on the show. Harris, you got some Foam? Yeah. So, okay. You know. Oh, boy. You know. You know in the...

Stick the beat. You know, like... Oh, boy. You know, there's candy and... Is this Harris' meltdown corner? I think there's candy in mints and bathrooms sometimes. Yeah, I know that. And then, well, that's like...

This is the last place I want my, like, open food is around all this shit. Where do they have open mints in a bathroom? They use, like, in fancy... The fancier the place, the more open the mints are there. No. Yeah, just like... But they're usually in wrappers. I'll give a fuck.

You can wrap it in a fucking... Jacket. That's not enough. Yeah. Do you think the shit smell wafts over to the mints? Is that what you're concerned about? No, it's that literal particles. Like shit molecules.

Yeah, I never eat in a bathroom. Yeah. Here's another one. Pussy. Coins are so worthless now that it's gone from... You can keep the change to... Can you keep the change? Wow.

That's like a Drabble cartoon. I enjoyed it. When is it not okay to jerk off to someone based on, like, memories? Like, I got a really good movie theater blowjob in eighth grade. And I feel like that's a... What are you doing in eighth grade that that's what you're doing? I know. That does seem young to get a blowjob.

That wasn't even my first. Really? How many? That was my 97th. What? But do you think it was 97 different women? Yeah, it was the year 97, coincidentally. Wow. And ever since, I've tried to get the amount of year.

So you've only had 15 blowjobs this year? Well, I'm hoping that they find out this year is only one AD. Because... What? I don't know what you're talking about. Because I've only gotten one. Oh. So the, like, some sort of new calendar?

You know who it was from? Who? Me. Really? You can suck your own dick? Yeah. Bro. Check it out. Bro, that's amazing.

Check it out. Can I see you do that? Wait. Oh, my God. Your dick is like a straw. You're sucking, like, jizzing right out of your ball sack. Finally, people talking about dicks. Yeah.

Chelsea, you want to weigh in? Love them. 00:57:46,540 --> 00:57:47,420 Sometimes. They're okay, right? Sometimes. Yep. I have a question about...

They're shaped like that. I have a question. The competitors come out. Historically, that is true. You have a question, Adam. Question. Can I talk? I have a question about your eighth-grade blowjob.

You said it was really good. Was it really good because you were in the eighth grade? Or do you think now it would stand up to all of the blowjobs? Would it stand the test of time? Having the penis you have now, would it still be a good blowjob? I think it was... I think it was really good, but yeah, you make a valid point. How old was she, by the way?

She was 79. Did you come to the movie theater together? Yes. Was it your grandma? Did you come together? Not my grandma. Yeah. Did you do anything in return?

Tell the story, bro. It was oddly, I laid down on the dirty-ass floor. What? No. I swear to God. Really? Was it the front row? Was it giving you flashbacks, too?

The writers room at Parks, all we did was listen to Harris tell stories about himself. His blowjobs were a big hot topic. It was just nonstop. So wait, you laid down... Why did you lay down? But once again, he's asking me questions. Well, who brought up the blowjob, though, to be fair?

I was in foam corner. You're still in foam corner, by the way. Wait, we're all in foam corner. Yeah, oh yeah. We're in the middle of foam corner. But to tell you a story, you laid down on the sticky floor and you weren't even in the front row? No, we were like third to last row.

Third to last? Why did you lay down? You know what movie we were seeing? What's that? Half-baked. That's just a fun detail. It's not that fun. Very good.

And then half-baked. And how did you get... That's an R-rated movie. And I tell you, I was half-baked. Uh-huh. Was this in Texas? Yeah. Okay.

So it's like legal. To get a blowjob in a movie theater? In Texas, yeah. This was 97, mind you. Okay, so then... But wait, I don't understand why you laid down. Why couldn't she just give you a blowjob? Because this was pre-lifting armrests.

Yeah, but she just gets in front of you. But if your penis is big enough... Like Sheen, yeah. Oh, never mind. If your penis is big enough, bro. It was a child's penis. Well, still, at eighth grade, you have a full-size man's penis. I used to be self-conscious about the pubes I had.

So I put my dick through the hole in the boxers. Oh, my God. For the blowjob? Why? You had too much pubes? Too much or too little? It becomes it. Did you have too much pubes?

No, not enough. I would have loved more pubes. Oh, you were like bald? Then I proceeded to get way too hairy all over, and I was like, those were the days. And then did you give anything back? Did you...? I think I fingered her, but at that...

Oh, how generous. Yeah, but at that time, you think fingering is just like... How giving? She throws your genitals in her mouth, and you're like... Yeah, a bad job, too. So I didn't know about clits at the time. You were laying on your back,

so she was laying on top of you? She was like... Yeah, but did she remain seated? You cannot... No, she was on the ground, too, on her knees. Like downward dog yoga. And then for the fingering, did you get back in your seats or did you remain laying down?

Fingering was pre. Okay, and then you go... Let's take this to the floor. So her blowjob was a thank you for the fingering. Those are nice clothes. They'd look a lot better on the floor, with you and them, and me, also. In my clothes, with my boner sticking out of my boxers.

Did she say, hey, do you want to take these off, or did she think you were being secretive? What's funny is there were three of us there. What? Yeah, it was me and her and then her friend. This gets worse. Where's her friend? Her friend was just like kind of sitting there.

Oh, my God! And if you're listening to this, because one of them is not alive anymore. Wow, Jesus! Oh, God, why are you crying? This is fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harris, which one died?

The blowjob one. Oh, God. Not during. That's nice, though, that you're respecting her memory. I know. This is horrible. What happened to her? I cannot get any more specific.

Yeah, please don't go into any more specificity regarding this issue. But what about the friend? Where's she? Because she sounds down to clowns. I have to go. Where are you going? Harris is like pounding the walls, crying right now.

Chelsea, I'm sorry. Anyway, do you want to finish that foam corner joke? So you're thinking about a dead... Yeah, so basically... When is it okay to... You take the change. You're right. That is why it's even more specifically fucked up,

because she... It was in eighth grade and she's dead. Well, I mean, I... Is that okay to jerk off to? Is that a question? I don't know. I don't want to answer to that question. I sympathize or maybe empathize with you

because one of my first junior high school crushes that I sat behind, and she would wear these tank tops all the time, and this was in the eighth grade as well, and just a blossoming burgeoning body, she passed away as well. Really? And is that okay?

Yes. You know, you guys... And I'm not joking at all. Adam is deadly serious, by the way. I've never been more uncomfortable in a room. Please tell me you jerk off to a dead person. My first... My first girlfriend.

Yes. Just like four days before you and I went up to Sketchfest, I found out my very first girlfriend just died. Yes, Jesus! I'm not kidding. These things happen in three years, that's what I'm saying. These things happen, and the older we get,

the more it will happen. It is so sad. So when is it okay, like, should we let their memories live on by jerking off to them? Chelsea, weigh in. We need a female perspective. I just don't jerk off to specific people. Really?

Groups of people? You do it to a feeling? No, it's to imaginary situations, not to... But imaginary people? I feel like guys see a girl on the subway, and they're like, I'm gonna jerk off to her later, or they have an interaction, and they're like, I'm gonna jerk off to that later.

I don't know how most girls are like, I gotta only speak for myself. You concoct imaginary people of your own devising in alternate universes. Is this really the goal here today? To talk about this? It is now. Why does Adam have his hands folded like a creep?

That is so creepy. It's like church hands. I never trust church hands. They are church hands, and they're perched right above. They're not in his lap. They're right above. I am through my body language,

telling you I am paying attention, and I am considering. I'm a safe person. I'm a safe person to share this with. That's the message. I can honestly say this was my goal today. I'm sure. Chelsea, when you pass away,

do you want people thinking about you like sexually? Wow, that was, she was really, you know what? Sex with her was great. I'm gonna continue thinking about that. Or do you want people to? Let me reframe the question. Okay, here we go.

If you guys, if you knew that every time you jerked off to a girl or someone that you knew, they would get an alert sent to them. Oh, or they would die. Why'd you still do it? They usually do get an alert from me. On Ambien. On Ambien.

A text. Shout out to Ambien. Yeah. So wait, anytime even like someone pops in your head accidentally and you would say, oh no, I don't want an alert sent to that person, I'm gonna. No, you can cut it short.

Okay, but if you choose to proceed, they get an alert. There's like a seven second delay. Okay, so if you actually like climax, they get an alert. If once you start touching yourself, it's over. They get the alert. I think, I don't know. I don't know.

I would like, there are- It would be a way of flirting. It's like sending a link. I think it's flattering as fuck. If I got a text that was like, this girl's masturbating to you right now, I'd be like, awesome. Don't you think girls would be getting alerts

constantly all day, every day, where they would turn them off? What if you hate someone and you're like, ew, get me out of your fucking disgusting- Yeah, it's like someone stalking you or something. Stalking you or something. Still kind of cool. Who's that?

Your men's okay stuff. Is it Adam? Nope, this is gonna sound weird. Okay. Hugh Laurie. You hate him the most? Yeah. Why?

Never met him. If he jerked off about you, it would freak you out. Or you would think it's cool. No, I like Hugh Laurie. I actually have no opinion. I just pulled around a person. Don't you think much like an annoying Google alert where you're getting too many responses,

women would just eventually turn it off? In this scenario, no one has the power to disable it. That sounds like the woman has to be- It's almost harassing, right? It's not her fault. I mean- Yeah, don't you think men would then jerk off intentionally in order to send an alert like a nudge?

It'd be like some kind of harassment. Yeah. And is it an alert on your phone or do you just see it like terminate or like in your eye? You see the picture of the person? And are you a cyborg in this scenario? I don't know, but I like your attitude of like just, I'm interested.

I'm interested in this technology. Yeah. I'm just thinking about all the girls I know that would get alerts and everything it would do. Are your phones hooked up to your penis, by the way? I need to know from a girl's perspective if that's a good move. Because I have done that. Here's the parallel.

Of course not, Harris. Here's the parallel. It's not at all. Telling someone I had a dream about you. Like that's what is a real-life, actual situation that people do. If you go, I had a dream about you. The person's like, okay.

Yeah. Although I've had that with women who I know for a fact are just not interested. I've had women go, oh, I had a dream about you, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it doesn't have a, like, oh, scary. And it was like, I didn't like it. Right, that's true. Well, that's just been something.

But I feel like generally people know that it's flirtatious to say that. Unless you do have an open relationship. I mean, like, openly disinterested relationship. Right, right. Okay, so. So just if you have a crush on someone, tell them just fake it and say you had a dream about them.

Fake it till you make it. So is the phone, like, does it have a jack to put your penis in? How's it attached? Is it attached through Bluetooth? Do you get like a Bluetooth thing in your penis? It's all virtual. Hate to disappoint.

What does that mean? I know you want a Bluetooth attachment for your scrod. I just want, like, a scrod. A scrod. Scrod? Scrod, is that a word for it? Wouldn't it be scrote? It seems like a Shakespearean word.

Like a scrod piece. Well, scrod is dorks backwards, and dork is a whale's penis. It's not dorks backwards. It really is. When you think about it, it is. Scrod. It actually is.

It is it. Number two. All right, that was it. There we go. There we go. Numero. Doslo. All right, we need to take a break.

When we come back, this is very exciting. It's all been building to this, Scott. We will have your number one, the most pop, and everyone knows what it is at this point, but we'll have your number one of the year when we come back. Hey, everyone. Scott Ackerman, host of Comedy Bang, getting here, and I am excited to introduce you to howl.fm,

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and the AV Club and Super Ego right now. And with the promo code CBB, you get a full month of free trial. Just go to howl.fm, enter code CBB at checkout, and remember, you can use howl on your phone or your computer, but you can only use my promo code on the howl.fm, the website.

So go to howl.fm, that's h-o-w-l.f-m, use the promo code CBB for one month free trial of howl premium. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi. And we're getting to it, man. We are getting to it. We're fucking doing it, man.

This is it. Can I say something, Scott? This is it. Make no mistake while you are. This is it. The way is over. Terrible to do with Michael McDonald's songs. No, it's Kenny Loggins.

Is it? Is it both of them? Is that it? Is it both of them, maybe? Wait a minute, let me look this up. No one can tell what the future holds. This is it. Make no mistake where you are.

Kenny Loggins. Dick Francis. Featuring Michael McDonald. Okay. It's a team up. It's like Captain America's Civil War. Oh, Civil War. This is it, Civil War.

What if it came out and it was, this is it, Civil War. With Kenny Loggins. With Kenny Loggins versus Michael McDonald. I don't agree with what the government is trying to do. They're just trying to over sing each other. Hey, shut up. No one can tell what the future holds. Here's the thing.

I'm proud of us. We said we were going to do this. We said we were going to count down to number one. And guess what? We fucking did it. We fucking did it, man. How many people, Scott, would you say listening to this said, they're never going to do this?

They're fucking, they're going to give up. They're going to quit. They're cowards. They'll maybe make it to number two. Remember back when, in like, I guess the 40s or the 50s, when the worst thing you could call someone was a coward? You're a coward. I think it was farther back than that.

I think it was because of the war, though. I think. Oh, sure. You see it in a lot in comics of like, I never knew that you, like, you know, if Mr. Fantastic, he has a plan to defeat the thing, but it involves them running away. Immediately someone jumps to, I never knew you were a coward. I think what was worse was during the war,

people who were shamed because they were physically unable to go to war. Like, oh, 4F. Oh, 4F, huh? You don't care about your country enough to have a functioning heart. I'll give you 4Fs. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. There we go. Classic 40s talk. Tell you what, we got to get to it. Let's go to your number one. Number one. All right, you know what? I want to do something special for this number one and call someone.

Engineer Cody Ryan, could you make that call if you could? This is unprecedented. And we'll see exactly what happens. Here we go. Calling. Here it happens. Hello. Hey, Nong Man.

Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. Hi, Jason. How are we? Oh, Jason Manzuchus says, I live and breathe. What a wonderful treat. Oh, what a delight. Most wonderful time of the year.

Where are you? Why could you not be in the studio here? I am in New York City. Oh, New York City. Our nation's capital. I don't know about that, but okay. Let's not look into it. Where are you going?

Where are you located in New York City? Address, please. I will just give you, I am on the lower east side current. L.E.S. L.E.S. So you're a- Yes, gentlemen. You're a lez.

Oh, he got you. He fucking got you. I'm deep in the lez. Jason, he got you. What are you doing out there in New York? It was your birthday, was it not? Today is my birthday. Today's your birthday.

Happy birthday. Thank you. Happy birthday to you. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Jason. Jeremy Piven went to UTA. Hey, look at every time. Jizz.

Oh, that was really great. Do you- for real? For real, man? That was. It was very good. I will say that when you guys sang the Star Spangled Banner, it was better. And last time we were together, but this was wonderful.

What episode was that again, by the way? Do you remember? Oh, boy. I was trying to think of that the other day. It was the one we did most recently. I can't remember what it was. Oh, yeah, yeah, the one with- Numbers can't lie or numbers-

Yes, numbers cannot lie. Which, by the way, is germane to this conversation because your number one episode of the year is, of course, I said it when Jay picked up the phone. It's Hey Nong Man. Hey Nong Man. Hey Nong Man. Hey Nong Man.

The catchphrase that took America by storm. I'm getting a lot of- I will say this, I'm getting a lot of Hey Nong Man on the streets of New York. By the way, we made this pledge to America. If you see us on the street and I pray that you do, come up to us and say Hey Nong Man. That's right.

We love it. We will always say it back. We will always say it back. One caveat to that. Okay. Upon us saying it back, immediately walk away. Immediately, immediately. Even sooner if possible.

Consider the conversation reset and walk away. Also, I have another caveat. We all get one caveat. Don't punch us in the stomach Harry Houdini style. Yeah, oh, that's a good one. That's a really good one. Yeah, okay, what do you got, Paul? My caveat, don't frame me for murder.

Oh, that's a good one too. Okay. All right, so- I would say this. I will say this, just for Paul's caveat, don't frame any of us for murder would be great. Oh yeah, thanks for including us. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's my caveat. Oh, shit. Everyone just won. Damn it. You guys should have thought ahead. So you can't punch any of us in the stomach. That's right. But you can frame Jason or I for murder.

That's right. Correct. Hey Nong Man, I mentioned that it was germane to this conversation because that last one that we taped is sort of a spiritual sequel to Hey Nong Man because in that one we spoke to the other side of the conversation than we did in Hey Nong Man because we were in Hey Nong Man, we're speaking to Mike the Janitor.

That's right. And in the last episode where Paul saying the Star Spangled Banner, we were speaking to what's his name? Atherton Witherflower. Atherton Witherflower who did the Life Swap, Wife Swap. That's right. With Life the Janitor.

We're doing in Margery. Yep. By the way, I got a lot of compliments on my rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Oh, yeah. Which I... Because it was legit beautiful. It was not to know.

No. It's like Heidi Klum or something. Legit beautiful. Like I know you're a model, but sometimes a model when you look at them, you know, up close is not that big. Like Heidi Klum is legit beautiful. Ew. He is a true, true beauty and some of these other models

look like a bag of garbage up close. They look like, what, is Dick Francis a horse? What's going on? You got eyes all over the place. Jason, can I ask you a question? Hold on, hold on, yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Do you know the mystery author, Dick Francis?

No, I don't. Oh, so you don't know. You don't know if he's a horse or not. If the author, Dick Francis is a horse? Yeah. Do you know if Dick Francis is a horse? Jason, you, we're at the... This sounds like, that sounds like we're little kids.

Right, going to the library. I am on the edge of something. I know I am. Look, this is the fourth, this is the, literally, we're going into our fifth hour now of recording these. So, wow. And you've gotten all the way to number one now. Yes.

This is number one. Yeah. How's it feel to know that you were part of the number one? You were last year too. You were great. You were last year with Andy Daly. Oh, that's right. That's right.

And were you the year before or two? I don't know. I don't remember. What was last year? I don't... Oh, last year was... I think it was Time Bobby II. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, last year was the Andy Daly doing several characters. Oh, episode 300. Got it, got it. And the year before was Time Bobby II, yeah. And the year before that, Time Bobby I, at least. Yes, that's right. So, Jason, we're tied for number one appearances. Although, I've been on three number ones.

What's your third? Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man, that's right. Hey, Nong Man. Hey, Nong Man. We've been... Look, if you haven't heard the Hey, Nong Man episode, you're about to hear a giant chunk of it.

You'll hear the... By the way, this is one week after Kid Detectives, which we just heard. So, we were in a... Oh, wow. We were in a good streak. A lot of these... It's interesting when we've been going back over these,

how close together some of these episodes were. Like, we'll hit two in a row that are really, really great, and then we'll lie fallow for months. Like, October and November. Oh, boy, nothing from there. I would like to say, because I know that... Oh, Jason, Jason, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, Jason. Sorry, Jason. Sorry, Jason. If you want to say something, please say your name first, and then what you're here to say. Yes. Hey, Jason Manzik is here. And you're here to what?

And I'm here to say a little something to you guys. I truly enjoyed being on the show so much this year, especially getting to do a bunch of episodes with you, Paul, which has never happened before and was an absolute delight. Jason, that was a treat for me, too. I'm so glad that it finally happened, and it was a wonderful experience for me as well. I could take or leave it.

So... Through you, sir. No, Jason, we talked about it earlier in this countdown. You were not privy to it about how great it was that you decided to do so many episodes, and you came to me early on in the years, said you wanted to do more. And it was great to have you on so often this year.

I love doing it with the both of you guys, and the number one episode can clearly attest to that. We're having a ton of fun on it. Oh, yeah. 2,000 pounds worth, I would say. Hey, Nugman. Hey, Nugman. Hey, Nugman.

All right, so in this clip, you will hear the inception of Hey, Nugman, which came about from me not hearing Jason correctly. Me being a dumb idiot. So a lot of times on the top 10, a lot of these episodes are voted in because of the character segment. This one, the character segment is great,

but the pre-character segment is so great, too. So we included a lot of the pre-character segment. So you'll hear just you and me, Jason, riffing back and forth. Okay. And then Mike the Janitor comes in. We don't get to hear a lot of his plot, which is wanting to clean up Garbage Island.

Go back and listen to the episode to hear kind of the ins and outs of his plot, but we're going to hear a lot of just kind of us goofing around and joking around. So how's that sound to you? Goofing jokes, love it. Yeah. You doing anything special for your birthday?

I'm going to go out to dinner with some friends. What do you eat? Pussy? I'm going to burn this city to the ground. Yeah. Yeah. Death to America. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. This calls. No, you got me fired up. I've been running the lies.

Oh, God. Okay. Okay. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. Hang on, man.

Hang on, man. 01:21:46,380 --> 01:21:46,940 Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. Oh, that was close. That was too close. Too close. All right, Jason.

Thank you so much for taking our call on a special day for you. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. All right. We are going to hear it. You ready for it?

This is your number one of the year. Here we go. This is Hang on, man. Your number one. Number one. You should have a season where you are tonight show style, like choosing who your successor is. And is it going to go to Letterman or Leno kind of thing

where you are, you know, who will get the shot? Who will take it over. I think I'm kidnapped and someone has to step in and they just get it. Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah. Great. I think it would be fun, wouldn't it?

I think 100% it would be fun. Just get some new blood in there. Yes. You know what I mean? I believe I've pitched you. I would like there to be an episode where I am like a Gary Shandling style guest host because for some reason you haven't shown up.

Right. You know. And if you want to make it that you've been kidnapped, that is fine. We're definitely thinking about that. We're definitely thinking about that. The reveal is that I am behind your kidnapping. Oh, I like it because you look Arab.

Hang on, man. Would you say hang on, man? I said hang on, man. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. New T-shirt. Hey, hang on, man. Hey, hang on, man.

You know, it's a classic hang on, man. This is a total hang on, man situation. Hang on, man. Oh, Jason, Jason, Jason. Scotty, Scotty. What's been going on in your life? I know you moved to an undisclosed location. I've moved to an undisclosed location, which is lovely.

I bought an undisclosed location. I have just moved into it. Very exciting. Does this place have a shitter? No. No. I bought a house that specifically just has it. It has an outhouse.

OK, well, that's good. Yeah, you don't want that kind of smell in that house. You know, and I don't want guests pooping up in my house. You know, so. That's one way to keep them out. So I have a cool, I have a porta potty out in the back. And it's classy. Oh, but it's a classy one.

I put a chandelier in the porta potting. Oh, yeah, you have those raised sinks. Yep. What are those called? I don't know. I had one once. Really? Remember when those were in Vogue?

I had one in one bathroom. No, I don't know what you mean. You know, the sinks that aren't. I know what you mean now. Yes, now that you've done a hand motion that tells me what you mean. Yes, I get it. So now that you know these things.

So don't make a jerk-off motion. Keep it classy, man. This is a fucking family show. People want to know. Who? About the fans. The fans are interested. You haven't been on the show in quite a while.

I know. It's been just about a year, maybe. I think maybe. But people want to know what you're up to. I mean, certainly you have your own podcast. I do. I have the How Did This Get Made podcast on the Ear Wolf Network.

Find it on iTunes. And you guys have not been in the same room together, nor will you ever be again. We just did. We just did two episodes live in New York all together. And they were glorious. Really exciting. Hercules in New York, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger,

which is in his first film role, which is legit terrible. Wait, so the rock was in Hercules, too. He was. He was just recently in Hercules. Interesting. So they both tried it out and it did not. Lou Ferrigno as well. Really?

Very famously. What is it about these muscle men where they go, you know what, I'm looking in the mirror and I think that I could play Hercules. I think that, I think everybody looks at a muscle man as like, what strong man can this person play? Well, you know, in a way, it's better than, you know, like what role realistically would people buy this person as?

You know, like more realistically, it's like every time Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a movie, you expect one person to go, hey man, what's up with your accent? Yes. Yeah. How am I supposed to believe? I mean, in this movie, he's meant to be a Greek God and has like.

But in something like kindergarten, copper, whatever it's like, hey man, how often do you work out? Are you like five hours a day? How do you even hold a job? I agree. Or how about twins where he is a straight up scientist? Where he's a scientist who has an Austrian accent and is built like a bodybuilder.

It's bananas, not twins, junior. Sorry, junior is what I mean. Junior, junior, junior, junior. That's the one where he gets pregnant with a baby. How does he do it? And then he processes as a woman in order to cover it. Does he stick his penis into his butt? Like how does it happen?

He sticks his penis in his butt because he's ovulating from his butt. Because he has a butt vagina. Is this what you wanted? Is this what you wanted? This is what I wanted. This is what you want out of a J-man. Do people call you the J-man?

People call me J-man or J-dog all the time. And by people, I mean you and I hate it. I will never stop. Never stop. What is happening with, you know, people are very concerned about your dating life. They want to know that you're happy.

01:26:29,340 --> 01:26:30,300 I don't think they are. They hear about you flipping through vaginas earlier and your career. Just flipping through like a paperback book. Like a Patricia Highsmith novel. What is it about paperback books that you just like flip through? You don't even read them.

Like a money counting machine. Yeah, like a, that's exactly like a money counting machine in a drug dealer's den. You've been flipping through vaginas like a money counting machine. That's $100,000. I like that image of you. But are you happy in your life?

Are you? I'm happy in my life. I am single still, if that's what you're asking. That's what the ladies want to know. The ladies are very innocent. What do ladies listen to podcasts? I don't know. Do ladies listen to this stuff?

Of course they do. Are there any women who tune into the comedy big podcast? We have wonderful, wonderful, I like to think this podcast in particular is all inclusive. I like to think it's for everybody. It is.

I know that. I feel like there are plenty of wonderful women tuning into this. And ladies, hello. Welcome to the podcast. Is that the way you talk to ladies? This is what I'm sensing the problem now. This is how I talk to ladies.

Hey there, ladies. Oh, you listen to podcasts. If there were to be a female listener out there, and we're only saying that because that is your preference, but if there was a female listener out there who was, her preference was males, and her preference actually was males

who were a lot like you, who was into you, and were to reach out to you somehow, there's no way to reach out to you there. There is, really? No. How do you date then? How do I date then?

Without any kind of social media presence so that people can contact me out of the blue to let me know that they want to date me? Back when I was dating is pre-social media. And I got by just by walking around being handsome and people coming up to me. Now, did you say handsome or handsy? Hey, Nongman.

Hey, Nongman. I like that we are both writing the word hang Nongman down so that we don't forget it. I had fear in my eyes that I forgot it, and I pulled it out the last second. I'm impressed. And you used it correctly as well. But how do you do it?

How does a J-dog, how do you meet a woman? Do you see her eyes from across a crowded room? Yeah, I just go to crowded rooms and I look across them. And I see if anybody- Like shooting fish in a barrel. And I then, when I make eyes,

or when I lock eyes with somebody across the room, I walk across the room and I say, hey, Nongman. And then it's on. And then we're just like- And it's on like Nongman. It's on like Donkey Nong. Oh, boy.

Do you want paper? What do you want? Hey, you want paper? What do you want? Hey, you want paper? Who's this guy? Hey, baby. Who's this guy?

Is this the paper seller character that you've been working on? Oh, yeah. Is the office still on? I'm trying to get a job on the office selling paper. Severely disappointed. Really? Yeah.

Oh, wait. Do you mean an American workplace? Also office. Oh, bananas. Well, is this your banana selling? Hey, yeah, yeah. But you're, you know what? I would say that you're at the height of your powers.

At the height of my powers, but let's be honest, it's not cute anymore to be single, I think at my age. Right, yeah. I think it's not a cute thing to be a 42-year-old man who's single. But do you want- Probably not cute to talk about it on a podcast either.

Well, is that a fear for women who date you that you're going to be talking about them on these podcasts? That's all I do, bro. All I do is slay Tang and then get on the cast to talk about it. Slay Tang? Oh, bro, slay Tang. Oh, are you kidding?

Yeah, that's like- Hey, no, man, slay Tang? You know my new Ear Wolf podcast? What's that? Talking Tang. Talking Tang. Talking Tang. Although, no, I'm just doing like this.

No, I'm just doing Atomian's like this. That is one of the only podcasts with two apostrophes. Yep, talking Tang. Yeah. Talking and it's a, and it's an end. And it's, yeah, it's an end and then a start right next to each other. Those are perfect.

Those are like two boobs. By the way. Right next to each other. So that's the image. Can, will fans please make an image for Talking Tang, the podcast? And it's just two apostrophes. The apostrophes are boobs.

Yeah, so it's a closed one and an open one and they're just boobs. I would like that. Please, everybody, let's make that. And then maybe I'll make that podcast right after- I actually am very interested in that. Yeah, right after I make the other one that I think I came up with in How Did This Get Made,

which is the Chardonnay podcast. Oh, what is that? We all just drink Chardonnay and talk. That sounds like a dream. It's, yeah. It's like a ladies' book club. Oh, man, I would love that. What, uh-

The shardcast, I think I call this? Shardcast. That sounds disgusting, actually. But you want to be, you want to be married, even though- Want to be married. With the singularity coming. What is identity anyway?

And why should we be tethered to not only these bodies, but with other bodies? Oh, well, are we going to get into ex machina? What are we, how are we, how are we coming at this? Oh, with the singularity shame on you. Um, no, of course I want to be in a relationship. I'm, uh, you know, again, I'm middle-aged at this point. This is getting to be-

You hope. You hope. I hope. I hope, yeah. You may have been middle-aged at 23, for all you know. We simply don't know, which would only give me a few more years on earth. Yeah, 23 could have been your hump year.

Oh, God. When you think about, here, when you think about it, at what year did you have sex the most, and that is probably your hump year, and then you can calculate when you're going to die. Yeah. Why do you think that? Think of the year that you had the most sex,

where you were just talking Tang and just slay Tang. Oh, yeah, just talking Tang. You were just slay Tang all year, and then double that, and that's the year you're going to die, because that was your hump year. This is a good theory. It's a great theory, by the way.

And is it that you think, does your body know? Your body knows you're getting it out of the way. Your body is like, no, you're going to die at this point, so I'm going to give you, at the middle of your life, I'm going to give you the most sex. So I'm going to guess somewhere in my 30s. I'm good. I'm going to guess that I'm going to live to be

in my, then if your theory is true, somewhere in late 60s, I bet. I'm late 50s at best. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. Boy. Poor cool-up.

Poor cool-up. Well, you know, the widow cool-up. Look, when you're listening back to this after I've died, there's a lot of references to me dying. Oh, yeah. You know, if you're listening back to this after I'm gone, this is morbid. This is good, but this is what we want.

In all likelihood, this podcast will serve as you're living will. Speaking of which, do you have a do not resuscitate? Do you want to be? A DNR? Yeah. If you are felled by some accident that does not leave you dead, but leaves you incapacitated. I think people should use their own common sense on that.

In a vegetative state. Yeah. Where it's like, you know what? And not even like my own farts in your face wake you up from this coma. What happens? Oh, hey, does that what's happening? Well, how else am I supposed to wake you up?

Are you traveling around to your best friend's hospital beds and farting in their faces? It behooves me to try anything possible to wake you up. Extraordinary measures. One of my absolute best friends. And if my own farts don't wake you up. I would rather not be one of your best friends in this whole world.

Out of nostalgia, if nothing else. Then I don't know. Nostalgia for that night at Rob Hubel's bachelor party when we slept in the same room. Ugh, on mass. On the hardest mass possible. On the floor, like we were like 23. Fucking dogs.

Like we are too old. Dude, like we were kids. I stayed there one night and I was supposed to stay a second and I was like, I can't do it. I stayed two and the mats on the floor, I, it took me days to recover. Took me days to recover.

They were terrible. I didn't recover the next day. That's why I took off. But we cuddled. We did. And Aziz was in the same room. That, what a powerhouse room. It was a real name drop of people sleeping on floors.

Adult men sleeping on floors. Oh boy. But you know, so far that marriage is going well. So all the power to him. Absolutely. Congratulations. Do you, what do you dream of your wedding having? Ever since you were a little boy,

did you assume you would have like a white tuxedo with tails and a top hat? I feel like it starts with everybody skiing down a mountain. All in, you know, in a bride and dress, me and all my, everybody skiing down a mountain. Do people need to know how to ski or they're just like pushed into it? Yeah, I would hope so.

So some lessons after the curve. So lessons might have to happen or just everybody in the wedding party will just be shredding. Just naturally. Will just be natural shredders. Natural born shredders. Natural born shredders. Yep.

Who like to sleigh tang. Absolutely. And then I will, I will record, we'll get to the bottom. We'll say our vows. I will record an episode of sleigh and talk and tang because you know, this is the last, this is the last. This is the last one really. This is the last episode of talking tang.

Oh, series finale. Series finale because I'm getting married. So I'm not going to be talking tang anymore. What if you did though? You could still talk tang. I guess I could talk tang, but just it's all my wife's tang. Yeah. It's just like, oh well.

I would, depending on who you marry, I would listen to that even more. Oh, that's interesting. Here's the thing. I'm marrying the widow Coolop. Oh, you son of a bitch. All right, I'll listen. Because here's the thing.

If you haven't noticed, I have to take over everything once you die. Really? So this is a full life swap? It's like in the past when somebody would die and their brother would have to marry their wife and take over their responsibilities. I mean, I've heard of a wife swap. I had a friend once who did a wife swap.

Really? That turned into a life swap. Oh. Yeah, that's actually, he was a mathematician in Boston, I believe. Oh. And he became a janitor because he swapped wives with a janitor and he had to take over that person's life. This is Goodwill hunting style?

Yeah, it was sort of Goodwill. It was like a reverse. This is a Stellar Skarsgard Matt Damon Swaperoo. Stellar skateboard? Yeah, Stellar skateboard. I understand. Yeah, you understand how it is. But anyway, it's not worth bringing him up.

But it certainly wasn't worth derailing the show for him. No, but I'm happy to have another opportunity to put out into the world this Stellar skateboard situation. Certainly. So you would take over everything? You would what? My car? My shoes?

No, but I will take all of your comic books. Okay. Happily. You know what, actually? A room full of comic books that I love. Do you want those when I die? Yes. I can think of no one else who wants them.

I can think of a couple of people, but I would like them. All right, they're yours. Done. This is binding unless I change my will and you go into that big room with a lawyer. It surprises you. For something where my heirs have changed the will. Son of a bitch.

Oh, God, that would make me furious. And like Neil Campbell winds up with all of the comic books. Oh, boy. No, done. You got him. Great. You've been down in that room. Great, I have.

So I get the comic books, I get Bang Bang the podcast, Bang Bang the TV show, and Kula. Right? This is nuts. What do I get out of this? Sounds like I get all of them. Do I get anything in life? You get buried, dude.

You get in the ground. That's what's happening. Do you want to be cremated? Do you want to be buried? What's going to happen when you die? I think cremated. I think it's a weird waste of space to have graveyards everywhere.

I agree. Here's the only, because I feel the same. Put some condos up, baby. I feel the same. But here is the only thing that I do, that I can appreciate, in a way, is shouldn't we rot and give life to the earth? Shouldn't we decay and decompose and provide fertilizer for the earth?

They make fertilizer. You can go buy it. Because I also want to be cremated. But then I was like, oh, maybe I should just be buried in a shallow grave somewhere. Why shallow? So I don't know. So I can rot and people will smell it.

Full view? Like that. Yeah. A shallow grave just so my nose and beard are above the ground. The serving is your tombstone. Yep. I want to be frozen in carbon. I had hunts all this time.

With your hands out? Yep. Don't freeze me. Don't freeze me, bro. Hey, nong man. Don't freeze me. I'm really enjoying Hey Nong Man. Hey Nong Man is pretty fantastic.

You're really? Like, we are barely minutes into this and have come up with Hey Nong Man and talking Tang. And Slate Tang. What do you like about cereal and podcasts in general, Mike? Ooh, let's see. If I pass the time while you're cleaning up. Podcast in general, that's tough to answer

because I've only ever heard the one podcast. You've just listened to Cereal. Just listened to Cereal. I understand this American life is also a podcast. It can be. I mean, it also is on the radio. Vincent can be. And what's the show Washington Week?

I like that podcast as well. Yep. Very good. And Slate Political Gap Fest. And Slate Tang. Slate Tang I enjoy. Of course. Yeah.

Talking Tang. Talking Tang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you listened to Talking Tang? I've listened. I'm just getting into Talking Tang. What do you think of their logo? It's despicable.

Yep. I've never seen anything quite like it before. Yeah. It looks just like cleavage, those two apostrophes. There's going to be a bunch of episodes of Talking Tang where I'm just talking the Tang of women who are lactating. So the apostrophes are both going to be dripping milk. Oh, dear.

Yeah, dripping milk. Now, you had that experience before. You've talked about it on this show. That's true. Those episodes will be called Talking Tang, Colin, Drippin' Milk. Now, you know, I'm starting this. Drippin' apostrophe milk. I'm starting a podcast called Drippin' Milk.

Oh, what? Which is about from the time that I cleaned up a high school cafeteria and those bags, very thin bags. Just that one time you cleaned up a high school cafeteria? Well, one time in my life. Oh, OK. I did it for many years. OK.

How often would those bags be dripping milk? Every single time? Are you talking? 100%. Milk bags are notoriously rippable. Oh, milk bags. I like this kind of talk. Oh, yeah.

Big, juicy milk bags. You know what I'm talking about? Ooh. You guys are both disgusting. You big, juicy milk bags. Why are you constantly high-fiving? Yeah, because we're killing it. Because we're five high-fives.

The question is, why aren't you? OK. I guess I'm in. You're just high-fiving yourself. You just clapped. Yours are too loud. Do you not know what high-fives are? Yeah.

You know, after someone gives a wonderful, you go see a band, and it's a wonderful song, and you high-five yourself. No, that's clapped. You clapped like you just learned how to do it. Like a little baby. No, it's because I'm high-fiving myself. Oh, hang on.

And you look amazed at the sound. You're looking down at your hands like you're trying to figure out where it came from. Guys. What do you want? Can I ask you? Yeah. Since I'm on the microphone, and I got this public form.

M-I-K-E on the MIC. Yeah, because dripping milk has not dropped yet. I would like to ask the help of you listeners, if there are any, to a great movie. Not worth it. Are you sure? I don't know. I thought not worth it at first,

and then I started thinking about it in the silence. Nope. And I was like, that might have been worth it. Nope. Hang on. Nope. Nope. I think so.

Hey, Nugman. I think it was pretty good. Hey, Nugman. I would like to ask, I like, Hey, Nugman is a kind of palate cleanser. Like a sorbet. Yeah, like resets everything. Hey, Nugman.

Resets, pieces. Resets, PCs? Do you say PCs? I do say Reese's. Reese's, feces, yeah. Have we talked about this? We haven't. Reese's, feces, okay.

Stop it. All right, but it isn't. Hey, Nugman. Hey, Nugman. Let's get back on track. Oh, hey, Nugman. We all three have to say in order to reset. All right.

Enough. No. No, only do say it. The discussion continues. Whatever it is. All right. All right. But we have all three cells.

That's right. So we can move on. All right. But I do say Reese's, feces. I would like to ask if your listeners would direct themselves on their computers, either desktop or laptop, to my computer.

You don't care about the style of computer. No, it doesn't matter to me. You know what? You think it could be on the sitting on a desk or on a lap, but still computer things. What about Mac or PC? And Mike, Mac or PC? Does it matter?

It does not matter to me. I, of course, don't use a computer. I write everything out long-end. Oh, wow. And I feel like it's not up to me to judge what kind of devices people like to use. Hey, if you've got a smart phone, if you've got a dumb phone,

if you've got a flip phone, if you've got a rotary phone, you carry around on a tray. Or a calculator or an abacus. That I don't like. We don't bring phones to people on trays anymore, and that makes me sad. What if it was just like a cell phone on a tray?

That would be fun. That'd be cool. If somebody was like a phone call for you. Was it like a cake dish above it? How about the cake dish? How about if you were in a fancy restaurant? What's that? What?

How about if you were in a fancy restaurant and you were getting a call, and then the waiter would take your phone from you, Sure. Go back into the kitchen and bring on something on a tray and then bring it out. I think that would have to happen. Why would you cut me off before I finished the idea?

Because I like cutting people off. That's his favorite thing. That's his favorite thing. It's his favorite thing. It's to come in with- Hang on, man. No, it's your favorite thing. That's what's annoying about you.

Get a reset going. Damn it. Reset the nine. Hang on, man. Hang on, man. No, I'm not interested in it. I want to keep digging in. He won't let the reset go.

I want to cal- Okay, hang on, man. Oh, good, okay. All right, back to it. Comedy bang bang. We're back here with Jason Manzuchus and one of my employees whose name is- On his chest.

Jan Jan- Oh, that's right. Jan the Mycuner? Is that what you were going to say? I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember your name. I'm sorry.

Why is- What is going on here? You know what it is? It's a power move. Oh. It's a power move. I'm too busy remembering the names of the people above the line. He feels like you are below him.

I think you're right. I think you're right, Mr. Manzuchus. And he enjoys putting you in your place. Well, I think there has to be a distinction between boss and employee. Does there not? Otherwise, if there's not respect rewarded towards the boss, then what impulse does the employee have to-

How about this? Yes. Earn that respect. Yes. May I say this? Earn that respect by going undercover, undercover boss, and learning who the little guys are who work here. That would be kind of fun to go undercover

boss at this eddy or wolf here. It would be- How would you accomplish the illusion? What would you do? I don't know. I think I'd have to go full sex change or something. I don't know. Okay.

Is this just an- This seems very extreme. Is this just an excuse to go get a sex change? Well, you know, look. Do you think anyone- It all happens in our own way. Sex change is a gigantic procedure. Do you think anyone ever embarked on that journey by saying,

I'm going to go get a sex change? You know what, today? What if it was, you know what, today? Didn't say anything to anyone until I was like, hey, listen, I'll be back in a little bit. I'm going to go get a sex change. I'll be back before dinner. And of course, big ups to people of all different stars and stripes.

Big ups. Big ups to all people of different stars and stripes is what you just gave the week that Katelyn-Katelyn Jenner has announced herself to the world. Big ups. You're giving big ups to her. People of all stars and stripes. I think something's legitimately wrong with you.

I think you are having a stroke. Maybe. Look, this is possibly my- Possibly? Hey, not man. Hey, not man. I think we should receive this series. Okay, thank you.

I think we should receive. Okay. Gosh. Number one. Oh, so good. We did it. We did it. We made it through another year.

It's New Year's Eve. That was so much fun. That was my first time. Doing the show with Jason. It was? No, you done some- Oh, yeah, but those are like when there's so many people. Yeah.

It's not quite the same thing. So just, you know, just how do you say three people? I was going to say one-on-one, but like one-on-two or two-on-one? How do you say three people? It was two-on-one when we ganged up on you. Yeah, no, you're- And you are always ganging up on me, by the way. That's what Jason brings that out in people, I think.

Yeah, yeah. Because you want to be- You'd rather be on his side. Okay, thank you. Well, because, because, otherwise, the other two people were ganging up on you. That's true. Well- Jason's very, he's very playful and very mischievous,

and it's always a lot of fun to play with him. Yeah, he's almost like a comedy Santa Claus. He's playful, he's mischievous, he puts his finger to his nose. He loves cookies. You know when Santa put his finger to his nose, by the way, and he flew away supposedly? Yeah. Do you think that was just an excuse?

He was like picking a booger and someone saw it? I think, no, I think that's actually how he flies. I don't think he can fly otherwise. I think he has to- So it's like the, the, the ignition button is in his nose or something? He laid a finger aside of his nose, Scott. Well, that's the thing. Was it like Jerry Seinfeld?

Was it a pick or was it a, you know? Like, was he picking his nose some kid saw it and was like, oh, whoa! I think there's a big difference between putting your finger in your nose and weirdly putting it on the side of your nose. No, but if you look at, look at, look at me from the side. Oh, and I think you have your finger up to the second knuckle. Okay, over there, right? So he's picking it like to the side and all the kid sees is this, right?

First of all, you got a microphone in front of your fucking face. All right, over here, I'm trying to- Okay, now I can see it. So a kid sees this. Santa sees, he's got his nose up there. He sees the kid and goes, I do this to fly! Bye! So he puts it all together instantly.

Yeah. Why doesn't he scold the kid for being awake? Well, yeah. That's a good point. All right, I guess my theory fell apart there. There we go. All right, that's how he flies. That's how he flies.

I rest my case. Well, I want to thank you, Paul, for being here. You don't have to do this. It's the last day before Christmas vacation. I get to do that. That's true. This is always a special time. This is a special time.

It's where we hang out for four hours straight. That's right. And riff continuously for it. And I love doing it. And I may listen to these. Have you never listened back to an episode? I do when I have to make these. That's the only time.

Maybe once in a rare while. Sometimes Coolop will listen to one in the house, and I'll dip in and out and hear a little bit of it, you know? But yeah, I don't really listen to it, no. But I do for the best ofs. I always catch up, and I'm always like, like I know in my head about the Santa Claus challenging me to a fight,

because so many people have written about it, and I go, oh yeah, I remembered it sort of conceptually. But listening, I was like crying, laughing to it last night, listening to it. It's really funny. It's really funny. So I always enjoy listening back to these. And this is the only time I really do it.

Well, if you know you're going to do this, you might as well just wait until you have to do it. But thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it. Scott! Oh, God. Thank you. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Some of the happiest hours of my entire life have been spent in this studio doing these shows. Thank you so much. I sincerely mean that. It's always so much fun. It's so much fun. And we're, and a lot of people don't know we're drenched in sweat when we finish every episode.

Every single episode. Every episode. First of all, we all show up in tuxedos. Of course, you have to. It's a podcast. By the end, drenched in sweat, ties are loosened. Who established the tuxedo rule about podcasts, by the way, because it is not convenient.

Was it Adam Carolla? Certainly it was Adam Carolla. Of all people? Absolutely. Yeah, of course he did. Yeah, I mean, it's like those weird rules of how you dress for dinner back in the 1920s. Oh, my God.

Can you imagine like somebody showed up in just a regular coat and not a tailcoat? Oh, can you believe it? My goodness. I threw my cold soup on the ground. But I do want, thank you so much, Paul, for that, for those kind words. I almost said wise words.

Yeah, wise words. But thank you. And most importantly, I want to thank the listeners who voted and the listeners who didn't vote and whatever intersection they have. The Venn diagram of those who voted. The overlap of the listeners who didn't. Very small sliver.

Very small. Almost nonexistent. No, but to anyone who listened this year, I really appreciated. The fact that anyone still cares six years on is unbelievable to me. So I appreciate it. And I appreciate your kind words that you send to me. I have not been very good about getting back

to anyone on Twitter this year. You've been busy. It's been a busy year, but I've been a busy year. But I did it for myself. But I do appreciate everyone sending me nice things. It really does make me feel like this is worth it. And is doing something nice for the people out there. The nice people.

Is it fun for you to do the show? It is fun. It is fun. But when I say worth it, I guess I mean that I'm not just talking to dead air. You're not just... You're imaginary. As my... Yeah, of course.

Everyone knows that. So when I'm talking to dead air, when I'm here in the studio. You want to know you're not, as my friend Casey says, shouting down the toilet. Yes. Thank you, Casey. Who's this Casey? She's a friend of my very funny comedy writer, Casey St. Orange.

Oh, great. She's one of the producers of Watch What Happens Live. Yes, I've seen her on Twitter. Yes, you have. I always thought it was Cassie. Everyone does because it's spelled weird. And even she will tell you that she wishes it wasn't. Well, she can do something about it.

Too late. She's a grown-ass woman. Too late. Too late. Too late. Too many forms. Ah, how many? One?

I bet there's... No, if you change your name. Yeah. How many do you have to do? Triplicate. It's not just the form to change your name. You then have to change every document. Every document you've ever signed?

Back to grade school? Yeah, back to grade school. No, all your social security, driver's license, all those things have to be changed. Yeah, I guess so. That's why Coolop did not take your name when she got married. Do you have to do it when you do that? Even?

Oh, God, that's a pain in the ass. Janie did it. And I don't know why she did it. I didn't ask her to do it. She's Janie Tompkins? I thought she was JJJ. She's JJJ had had Tompkins. And she had to change all that stuff,

and it was a gigantic pain in the ass. Why does anyone do it? Why does anyone get married? Nah, I don't know. That's a topic of another podcast. We're the wrong guys to talk about. Because we love our wines. Well, there's only one thing left to do, I think,

and that is, of course, it is New Year's Eve. That's right. And I think we should close it out with a little song. What do you say? All right, Scott, I couldn't agree more. Should all the quaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should all the quaintance be forgot and all of old Langzine? For old Langzine, my dear.

For old Langzine, we'll take a cup of kindness yet for old Lang. Cheers. This has been an Ear Wolf production, executive produced by Scott Ockerman, Adam Sacks, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit earwolf.com. Want to hear Ear Wolf pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you.

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