Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2016 Pt. 3

Episode Date: December 26, 2016

Scott and Paul F. Tompkins continue counting down The Best of Comedy Bang! Bang! 2016 episodes as they go through numbers seven through four on the count down as well as number two on the Best CBB Live episode of 2016 as voted by YOU. You’re welcome!This episode is brought to you by Squarespace ( www.squarespace.com code: BANGBANG), Blue Apron ( www.blueapron.com/CBB ), and Leesa.com ( www.leesa.com/BANGBANG ).

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Squarespace. Whether you need a landing page, a beautiful gallery, a professional blog, or an online store, it is all included with your Squarespace website. Start your free trial today at Squarespace.com and enter offer code BANGBANG to get 10% off your first purchase. You've heard of Asimov's three laws of robotics, but I bet you never heard his fourth law, which was mostly just how to clean their robotic sex holes. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Bernard Shaky, another catchphrase superstar, thank you so much. And I picked that because of Asimov. Right. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for the third of our best ofs, third of four. And if you were listening to, by the way, I'm Scott Ackerman, your host, and if you were listening... By the way. By the way, very important to say. If you were listening to our previous installment, speaking of Asimov,

we sang our wonderful Christmas hit, which took over the nation called, Please Don't Joke About High Robot This Christmas. That's right. I hope that you sang it with your family around the hearth. And listen, it's not just for Christmas celebrators. Nope. It can also be Hanukkah. Because it's talking...

Yeah, well, that's true. But also, it's not just for Christmas Day because it's saying, This Christmas, don't do that, which can be any time of year from December 26th on. That's right. A year-round class. It can go from December 26th to December 25th. But no one sang it on December 25th. Do not sing it on December 25th.

Because it's Christmas already, you doidoys. You do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I'm the Scott man. Remember that guy? No, who's that? This guy called himself the Scott man, and he had a song. And it's not Scott Man Crothers? It's not Scott Man Crothers.

How dare he? Scott Man Crothers was just a Scott man. He wasn't the Scott man. He made the mistake of not calling himself the Scott man. He's one of several Scott men. Yeah, the Scott man was a guy who had this weird novelty hit where he's scattered like crazy. Okay. And the backstory-

And that wasn't sustainable for a long music career? Well, the backstory in that guy was that he was a lifelong stutterer and worked to cure himself of his stutter or manage his stutter. Well, scatting is the stutter of music. Is that-do you really feel that way? I really do feel that way. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry if it's just the way I was raised.

You tell it like it is. You say what's on your mind, and you say what everyone else is thinking. Uh-huh. And in this PC culture, it's kind of refreshing, isn't it? PC culture is the biggest threat to America today. What about Russia? I mean, that's up there. But honestly, those red cups-

Red cups at Starbucks that don't say Christmas on them? Usually I like a red cup. Right? You know, at some sort of like keg party. A red solo cup. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. Put my lean in it.

That's a great thing in country songs is-modern country songs just name checking things. Things, yeah. We all-these are things that exist. Yeah, exactly. Here's what you like. I like this, like that, I like the other thing too. Here's some country people from long ago that I talk about. Yeah.

Hit. By the way, Paul of Tompkins is here. Hello, Paul. I am me. I am me and I am him. I like me. My wife likes me. You-you both like you.

That's from plain strange automobiles. Oh, is it? Very sad scene with Judkin. Oh, yeah. Rest in power. Rest in power. He's pretending his wife's still alive, right? What about Rest in Poutine for kids and people?

Hey, hey, hey, I like it. Rest in Putin. Rest in Putin. Putin. Putin. Putin. Wouldn't be Putin. Wouldn't be Putin.

Wouldn't be. Nagada. Nagada. Nagada. Nagada. That was the thing that came up a lot on tour with me, you and Lauren, was we kept doing Danny Garvey's Jordan Pusher. Why?

I don't remember that. I don't know why. We were? Nagada. Yeah, it was-it was a thing that would come up periodically. It wouldn't linger. Nagada. But it's-

Nagada. It was, like, not like the Grand Berries. Well, that was- They had to. They had to literally. It was compulsory. Yeah. It's an Irish thing.

It's in their culture. Nagada. Nagada. Nagada. So, Paul, we are-it's Monday. We just had Christmas and, of course, Hanukkah. Still going strong. Still going strong.

We're the Throws of Hanukkah. We were in the Throws of Augie Doggy for a while, and now it's in the Throne-throws of a Honey Doggy. Hope you're enjoying your Honey Doggy. Yes! I love Kosher Honey Doggies. Kosher Honey Doggies. Oh, every year at this time.

Kosher Honey Doggies. Now it is. You gotta be tearing me down. What, uh- Did I do for Hanukkah? Well, I'm glad you asked. I, of course, lit the candles. I said the prayers.

Yep. Uh, I- What are your prayers? Socks and underwear. Oh, okay. What are my prayers for Hanukkah? Yeah. I hope that things continue to go in a good way for the Jewish people.

That's right. And what way is that? Up, up, up, baby. All the way to the top. Yep. Through the roof. Jews and people. Jews.

Through the stratosphere. Jews through the stratosphere. I like it. Jews through the stratosphere. Next year in Israel. Jews through the stratosphere. Two great slogans. It's the natural, I feel like, Jews through the stratosphere is the completion of the

phrase. Next year in Israel. Jews through the stratosphere. Jews through the stratosphere. What, uh, what, New Year's Eve coming up, obviously. What do you do in New Year's Eve? Uh, maybe it's much too early in the game, but I don't know. I thought I'd ask you just the same.

What do you do in New Year's Eve? Turn right back around. Yeah. I don't like to let anyone know my location. Oh, you're very secretive. I am not going to be in this country. I'll tell you that much. Are you worried about, uh, murderers?

I am. Yeah. I'm mainly worried about manslaughterers. That's why I'm taking along my friend Jessica Fletcher. I forgot about manslaughter. It was eight million years ago that we talked about it. Oh my God. Remember when we also taped the Christmas episode this morning?

Scott and I have spent a calendar day together. Oh. Manslaughter, she wrote. Manslaughter, she wrote. Good stuff. We got it. Because it's a Christmas tradition. You got it.

Come on, man. And we, we flirted with it a couple episodes ago. Mr. Microphone. Yes. The year. 1985. 1978. 1978?

I looked it up. Let me, let me be on. Okay. I looked it up, Scotty. I looked it up, Scotty. Can I, can I fill people in on what we're talking about? For the past couple of best ofs, we have strangely hit upon by mere coincidence, we talked about the Mr. Microphone commercial

from the 70s and 80s on two separate occasions for some reason. And to me, I have to say one thing that I am very disappointed with in the holidays now that was one of my favorite cherished traditions is I would watch the holiday episode of David Letterman and I, and I would look forward to three things. I would look forward to Jay Thomas coming out and telling the Lone Ranger story. That's right.

I would look forward to him trying to hit the pizza and meatballs off of Christmas tree with a football. Football. And Darlene loves singing like Christmas. That's right. No. Christmas baby, please come home. Oh, that's right.

So sorry. Those are the, and I would always love to see whatever art direction they did. I remember one year the person playing saxophone on the saxophone solo, a big giant throne turned around and he was sitting in it and he got up and danced around. These are the things that I enjoy. When I realized we had somehow inadvertently hit upon our own

Christmas tradition by merely by chance talking about the Mr. Microphone commercial on two consecutive best of episodes, I realized we had to keep it going. And I realized we had to, and this, and here's what it stems from. There is a phrase in these commercials. Paul, maybe you want to say exactly what it is. The phrase is, hey, good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later. Sometimes I'll, sometimes we'll.

And I'll tell you why I know that. In previous years, and this comes up, we'll say, hey, good looking, I'll be back to pick you up later. And hey, good looking, we'll be back to pick you up later. And that just came up two different years and then we broke down the commercial and our problems with it. Now, I have not seen this commercial in 30 years. It has just been seared into my brain.

Me too. And my issue with the Mr. Microphone product is this. I would watch the commercial, and this is what I would imagine, is that I would be in a situation where I would buy a Mr. Microphone, I would find some good looking women walking down the street, listening to their radios, and I would turn on my microphone and take over their radio, and out of their radio, they would hear my voice and I would say, hey.

Your message. My message. And I'd be on message and on brand by saying, hey, good looking, I'll be back to pick you up later. And I was very disappointed when I got a Mr. Microphone that it does not broadcast to random radio signals. That would be insane. Yeah.

If you could usurp anyone's radio at any time. It's not Mr. Pirate Microphone. No. It's not some sort of Christian Slater pump of the volume situation with Pirate Radio. No. One had to turn their radio to a specific frequency on the radio dial that was normally very, very low, like 86.9,

something that no one would be listening to. Because there's nothing there. There's nothing there, and that's why they pick it. It is attuned to that frequency and said, pick 102.7 or something like that. You'll kiss FM, something everyone is listening to, but no, they pick it very low on the frequency. So it only works if you turn your own radio onto this and it will be broadcast on this.

And this was my issue. I had been watching this commercial for years and years. Because they did use the same commercial for a very long time. For a very long time. And I had imagined in my mind a situation where I would be throwing my voice like a ventriloquist, a Mr. Microphone Ventriloquist into other people's radios. Or like a terrifying big brother who controlled all methods of communication. Sure, certainly.

One of those. Yes. Now, I've talked about my disappointment with the product two years in a row. And it came to my attention through sharp-eared listeners. Bats. That the commercial does not imply that you would be throwing your voice into another radio. It implies that you would have your own radio and turn it up so loudly that when you said, hey, good look, and I'll be back to pick you up later.

What are you doing? Cody, this is the literally tenth time you have interrupted our show by watching something on the computer while you are supposed to be recording the show. It's sort of astonishing that you still have a job here. You're one of our oldest employees. And I love you. This is your most reliable trait, by the way. This is something that you do.

I cannot fathom it. I cannot fathom it. I'm right in the middle of one of our cherished Christmas traditions. Cody, people look forward to this all year long. All year long. And here I am in the middle of it. People have just gotten their families gathered around. Around the heart.

I'm about to make a mea culpa apology. And this has been a long time coming. Three years in the making. Yes. And now I have to hear about Steph Curry. What do you have to say for yourself? I'm so sorry. Thank you.

I mean, that's a start. That's a start. And it may be, quite honestly, a finish. We'll see in 2017. I do not have the power to fire you. Full disclosure. No one in the room has power to fire Cody. That would explain a great deal.

But look, one can only control one's own radio. And one hopes that one has a loud enough radio. As scripture tells us. That one can turn it up loud enough to broadcast one's own voice to a good-looking woman as one passes by one. And that would be so distracting to them that they would look up. That's so distracting. One would think that they would have their own radios that they're listening to and not hear something like this. Although when you are listening to the radio, one should be attuned to the noises around them, especially if there are cars about.

Yeah, if you're walking around carrying a radio, holding it right up to your ear. Sure. As pop culture in the 80s and 70s showed us. A lot of people would do this. A lot of people would do this. You must. Right up to the ear. It's your responsibility to be alert and aware of your surroundings.

With one ear. With one ear. Listen for car sounds. So. And even if you're indoors, look, there are a lot of news stories every year about cars crashing into mini-marts. Yeah. Houses. Yeah.

I saw straight out of Compton, those guys. Very first scene. Boom. Boom. Right in the living room. Now, can you imagine, you're in your living room, you're listening to your radio, you're not paying attention because you're like, oh, I'm in my house. I'm in my house. Of course a car is not going to come crashing through.

That's what you have to pay attention to the most. Most. Because that's what you least expect it. One ear. Always for car sounds. Always for car sounds. So then what, you're going to let yourself be manslaughtered? And then Jessica Fletcher has to come in on her goddamn bike.

Vehicular manslaughter, she wrote. And investigate. Oh. Oh, not this Christmas. So look. So what happened was. So here comes the big moment everyone's been waiting for. I got this news.

I heard, hey, you're wrong about this commercial which is seared into your brain. My brain specifically. I've watched this. My brain. So many times I've watched this commercial and that was my impression of the Mr. Microphone. I've come to realize that, no, when you watch the commercial, I pulled up the actual commercial and I think this cannot be the version that I watched so many times. Here's the version that I remember that's seared into my brain.

Is there is a young lady walking down the street. There are three guys in a convertible. They have a Mr. Microphone. The one guy says through via his car radio. Right. Hey, good looking. We'll be back to pick you up later. Okay.

Now see, that is the version in my brain too, but the only one, the original, that is online. There are two commercials that I found online. The only one that features a car of gentlemen saying that they never show the women. They never show the women. You just see these three assholes. Hey, good looking. We'll be back to pick you up later. Yes.

And I thought to myself, can that be possible that we are remembering women, beautiful women, walking down the street and then them being a reaction? But maybe. Here's what's very, I think, a comfort. How progressive that commercial was back then. To not show. Not show the gender. The gender.

They didn't show the gender of the person. Oh, that's true. That was the good looking one. Maybe. You're right. That's true. That is a great question. So it allowed you to put yourself in, if I may, the driver's seat.

What if you were that man with the Mr. Microphone? Who is the good looking person you're seeing? You know, these days it's anything. Is it a table? You know? It's like, who knows what people are in love with these days? I don't know. I don't think they were yelling at a table.

Maybe he's going antiquing. He's like, hey, good looking. I'll be back to pick you up later. Like people have put their stuff by the side of the road show. I don't know. Anyway, I think there has to be a later version of this commercial where you see the women. I can see it in my mind very good. I can too.

But here's another thing that I found out about this year, that there is a theory. I have always said, ever since I was a young man, the Berenstein Bears. Yes. Oh, yes. We've talked about this a little. I talked about this on my show with someone else. We may have talked about it on tour and that, or maybe we did not talk about it. I don't remember talking about this with you.

Okay. I've read this, but okay. So I've said the Berenstein Bears forever. It was growing up. I was shocked to find that it is the Berenstein Bears. I thought it was the Berenstein Bears. Oh, the mummy. Hold on.

Let's look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. It is the Berenstein Bears. Why does that sound familiar? It's the Berenstein Bears, but I have always thought it was the Berenstein Bears. Sure, because that's a name that you've maybe as closer to a name you've heard before. Yeah.

Now, there's a theory online. Who owns their name? It's Stain. It's crazy. There are so many people apparently who think it is the Berenstein Bears. Yes. Spelled S-T-E-I-N, not A-I-N, which is what it is. There are so many people that think it is the Berenstein Bears that they believe time travelers

have gone back in time and changed it to Berenstein Bears. Why? And we all still retain our memories. Why would they do that? I don't know. But that is what I think may be happening here with the Mr. Microphone. And some of you people out there may be able to send us a later version of this commercial. I'll talk about the later version that I did find in a minute.

But the version that I saw from 1978 is so old and shitty that it can't be the version that we saw so many times as a kid. Can it? Why? Why can't it be? It looks so bad. It starts off with two just dopes going, hey, what do you got there? Oh, Mr. Microphone.

Oh, I heard of that. It's so bad. Here's all I remember is the guys in the car and the ladies who apparently did not exist. And the guy with his radio on his shoulder who is walking on the street singing Jingle Bells. I don't know about Jingle Bells. There's a guy, there is an African-American gentleman who's like dancing with his ghetto blaster next to his ear and singing into a microphone at one point. I think there must be a version from 1983 or so that upgraded all of these scenes that

we're just not saying. This is a mystery for next year's best ofs. Hopefully some people will do a little research. Now, I was like, this can't be the commercial that I've seen. So I did a little research and I found a version from 1981 or two, which upgrades the look of the commercial considerably. It looks like a professional commercial again. But the hey, good looking, I'll be back to pick you up later, is said by a child on a

bike. Now, I think then that's a reference to the original iconic commercial and they were having some fun with it. They're having some fun where they were saying like, oh, even kids can be. Even kids want to fuck. And that's what we want to say this Christmas, even kids want to fuck. So let them. Let them, moms.

Let kids fuck each other. What if it was like one year on January 1st, 2017, every elementary school. This is a purge scenario. It's not even a purge scenario, but it's like on January 1st, everyone said, look, we know it's New Year's Day. Get your kids in school. I know they traditionally have it off on January 1st. Get everyone come to the school because we have something important to say.

And every single principle of every single elementary school said, guys, it's no, we're not going to look down on you guys anymore. In fact, we encourage you, all of you kids fuck each other all the time. All of you small children, you are free to be sexually active. Do whatever you want. We're not. There are no rules anymore. But look, the only rule is it's got to be consensual.

It's got to be consensual. Of course. And have fun. And have fun. What do you think would happen? What do I think? What would happen? And how would they all coordinate?

Like, would the parents all go along with it? Yeah, they all. Well, if all the schools got together and said, it's okay. Oh, the other weird part about this. Anyway, yeah. The other strange part about this second Mr. Microphone commercial is there is a section where it is a group of Hispanic people sitting around and it says, Senor Microfono S numero uno.

Very weird. And do they, are they then singing a song in Spanish? They're not, they're like going, yay, into their own, or they're going, I don't know. They're just cheering for the Mr. Microphone. Yeah, for the Mr. Microphone. And then there's another scene where a 12 year old girl is at her birthday party and she has a stack of presents and she's opened 10 of them and nine are Mr. Microphones. And she opens another one and goes, another Mr. Microphone.

Yay. And everyone cheers. That's, that, I think at that point, the makers of Mr. Microphone were being. They're stretching the truth. The truth. A wee little bit. Come on guys. A wee little bit.

Come on guys. Wow. Now, do you have anything to add to the Mr. Microphone mythos? I, I was obsessed with it as a child. Never had one. Never had one. Yeah. I don't even know if I ever saw one in person.

I don't think I had, by the way, the actual legit Ronco Mr. Microphone. I believe I had my sister, I believe got a Barbie version and I was like, oh boy, one of these that I have coveted for so long. So I could tell women everywhere that I was going to pick them up later. So that you'll never know the powers of the real Mr. Microphone. I don't know what radius it would broadcast to. So much is. Probably miles.

Probably. Yeah. I assume. I mean, I'd love to wonder having never experienced it. Yeah. That's true. I want to look up those commercials because I, I have not, I also have not seen them in 30 years.

You'd be shocked at how bad the original one is. It is so shoddily made. There has to be a version from later on in the mid 80s that we watched. I don't know. There has to be. I pray, I pray there was. This is my prayer. All right.

Well, we did it. We talked about it for another year. There we go. The tradition has been fulfilled. Yep. It's time to get to our countdown. Light another candle. If you're, if you're listening, this is of course our third episode of our best of

countdown. The top 15 comedy bang bang episodes of the year. And we, in our last episode, we cracked the top 10 on this episode. We'll be hearing from episodes seven through four, seven through four. And additionally, this year we have been counting down the top four live episodes of the year because we went on this multi country tour to the Canada as Lisa says. And Australia and the UK. And of course the US.

We did. Of course the US. Don't forget the Motor City. Hey, what about New Orleans? All we need is music. We love it. Century Boulevard. We love it.

Look at that bum over there. He's still on his knees. We love it. We went to, we did 40 dates this year. So we did so many of those that we decided to count down the top four live episodes. So we'll be hearing our number two live episode this time. So that's exciting. Are you ready to get into the countdown?

Yeah. Okay. Let's hear. This is episode number seven. Number seven. All right. This is episode number seven and we've been talking over the past couple of episodes here that the early episodes don't get a lot of love.

We do the countdown from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. And it's understandable. And it's the way of life. It's the way of life. It's the way of life. People like the more recent things that they've heard because they're more fresh in their mind and they forget about how good the older episodes are. You know, it's kind of, this makes me sick because people, this disposable culture where

it's like, no, no, no. I want it out. I want it out. Not violent crumble. Instant gratification. Make me come. Make me come. Anyway, you know what I'm talking about, Paul.

I feel like that took a sharp turn. But weirdly, this particular countdown, a lot of the early episodes are represented. It's almost like people have been keeping track of those early episodes saying, I got to remember to vote for them. They took your admonishments to heart. Now, this is all you want out of entertainment is that the people that provide the entertainment that when I scold someone, they scold you and it sticks. So this is episode 390 from December 7th of last year.

Whoa. That's right. That is, this is the earliest one, right? This so far is the earliest episode to make it to the countdown to make it to the, I mean, that's right after Thanksgiving, which was the countdown. Punch. And I do have to say, this is the earliest episode. So.

All right. So. November 30th, fans. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Gilly. This is an episode called The Oh Hello Show. What's this one all about?

What do you think it might be about? Probably Jason Manzookas. I'll do as usual. No, it's not Jason Manzookas. It is our good friend. Eugene Merman from New York. Oh, sure. Eugene Merman, every once in a while, he'll come out maybe once a year and he'll do an

episode with us and he came out this year in December and did one episode with us. Eugene, it's fun and he's funny. I like being around him. I like it. I like everything about it. I like you. I like you a lot. I love you.

I love you. So it's Eugene Merman and it's also Nick Kroll and John Mulaney. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. At the time they were just about, at the time they were recording, I believe they were just about to go out to New York to do the Oh Hello Show off Broadway. Yeah, and everyone told them, don't do that. Don't do that.

That'll never amount to anything. What are you talking about? Yeah. And instead, it amounted to everything. Yeah. Because they are currently in the middle of a sold out Broadway run, which is acclaimed and has been extended. And here's me.

I'm wearing a barrel with suspenders. Is your name J.C. Petty? Sure it is. Do you know that old joke? No. Guy or a kid probably, I don't know, I heard it when I was a kid, so maybe I'm imagining it was a kid.

A guy or a kid. Walking down the street, see someone with a great shirt on, says, where'd you get that shirt? And the person says, oh, J.C. Petty. And then walks down the street, sees a guy with a great pair of pants, goes, oh, I love those pants. Where'd you get them?

He goes, J.C. Petty. Walking down the street, sees a guy with a pair of shoes, hey, where'd you get those shoes? J.C. Petty. Sees a guy walking down the street, he's got a barrel with suspenders. What's going on with you? My name's J.C.

Petty. People have stolen his clothes. People have stolen his clothes, you see. One eye at a time. I submitted that. They've remained in the area. Would it surprise you, Paul, to learn that I submitted that joke to Reader's Digest laughter is the best medicine as a child?

You know what I'm talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about, and I remember doing shit like that when I was a kid and how important it was. Yes. Scour Reader's Digest every year. To see your name in print in a magazine? Oh my God, how amazing would that. And now our names are in print in magazine, and we throw them away.

We're like, oh God, another fucking magazine. It disgusts me. I need more room in my apartment for cat skeletons. So laughter is the best medicine, humor and uniform. That's right. I can't remember what the other ones were. There were a few, and that was all I would read Reader's Digest for. It would be those five pages of jokes that they would have.

Anyway. What was it like abortion doctor? Abortion doctor? That was not a section in Reader's Digest. It was jokes that were overheard at an abortion doctor. Oh no, they were medical jokes. They were medical jokes. They weren't about abortions.

But they were overheard at abortion clinics? It was very specifically overheard at an abortion clinic. Okay. I don't know that you're remembering this right. I remember they were funny jokes. Let's listen to this. This was Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, of course, playing their characters, George and Gil. Very popular now.

They're on Broadway, which is no surprise that they've been well-represented on the countdown here. And we're going to hear a little bit of Gil and George talking about what they've been up to back last December. This is your episode seven. Number seven. When we walk in a room, no matter what we think it is, you go. You say yes.

You say yes. Sit down. What are some of the situations you've walked into rooms? It's not been what you expected. Oh boy. Well, we thought we were on Wheel of Fortune once. What it turned out to be? It was the support group.

For parents who had lost kids to drug and alcohol. Drug and alcohol. Yes. We thought it was the taping of Wheel of Fortune. Okay. And how long did you think it was still a taping of Wheel of Fortune? The half hour. Wheel of Fortune's a half hour.

So when it hit 31 minutes and you said, wait a minute, this can't be Wheel of Fortune. No, this poor woman who is just bereft is not, she hasn't touched a single thing and turned over a letter. I turned it Gil famously and I said, I don't think that's Vanna White at all. That was famous. Yes. But you know, but we have had, we've had our run on TV as well, you know, we had a game show that was stupendous.

What game show? You know what? You know what? So Gil was the host and contestants would come on, this was back when you could smoke on TV. Oh, great era. And they would try to guess what I knew. Okay.

Yeah. And so let's say, I'm the host, I go, oh, hello to you and welcome to, you know what? And the contestant today is Scott Sorserman. Oh, I'm the contestant. Oh, great. Okay. Great. Do you do vetting process?

I did. Yeah. I guess I was on a word with that. Pre-production meeting with a producer. And I painted online on Fifex for now. And I'm in costume too. You're wearing a cow costume? Yeah.

And that's not even a part of this. I do know. Don't high-head S when you're the loser that want it to be on you, you know what? I'm sorry. So here we go. Hello. Alright. Thank you for having me.

Scott. Gil, thank you so much for having me. Oh, such a much way you hail from. Hi. I'm from California. California. New Mexico. How about it?

Alright. Okay. Our first, so Scott's here for the guests and so, guess what George here is thinking? Scott. Yes. I know something. Do you know what it is? You know what?

Gil, can I ask you one question about the game? Absolutely. Am I just supposed to guess anything he knows or what he's thinking right now? That's the game. If you win and if you win, you will get a 1982 Chrysler New Yorker. And 82. When was this game show on? 1981.

Oh, wow. So it's a future class. Next year's model, baby. Okay, great. I mean, we were playing with catch money at that point. Okay. So I'm supposed to guess something you know. I know something, Scott.

But do you know what? Two plus two equals four. That's not it. You lose. Thanks for playing. That's the game. Wait. So you don't.

That's the whole thing. You don't know that fact or that's not the fact. I'm still confused on the rules of the game. You saying I'm a fucking idiot. I don't know. Two plus two equals four. I know that. Okay.

So that is in the realm of things. But it's not what he's thinking. That's not what he knows. Okay. So you're thinking of a thing. Can I play again? Of course. Okay.

We will play for a long time and with the same player. Yeah. This is why the show is canceled almost immediately. When you say almost, how long did it take? During a run through. Okay. We were getting it on its feet and the head of the network back then, Sy. Sy Fartman.

Sy Fartman. He came down and he said, no, guys, I told you no. I told you no. Two noises in his name. Yeah. Well. That's how you knew he liked it. That was if he liked it.

That was a compliment. He did not want to hear what he sounded like if he didn't. He'd light up four cigarettes and then throw them at you. This is not for the classic network. Okay. This is for at the time, like a high school TV station. Oh, were you guys in? No, this is way after you guys were out of high school.

We were teaching. George, at that point, you were still at SUNY Yankees? No. I was a shit story professor at SUNY Yankees, uh, Go Zebras for, you know, five years and then I left because of some stuff, you know, but that's all unsealed documents, so that doesn't matter. Sex, sex for great. But that's a set.

Yeah. But that's a set. You had limitations on that. But that's over now. Yeah. That's not a problem anymore. And at that point, I was teaching performing arts at, do you know the school fame? Yeah, I do.

Yeah. It was called anonymous. Oh, okay. So the exact opposite? Yes. It was for people with no shock. Ugly kids. Ugly untalented.

Okay. What were the productions like? I can only imagine. We did Oklahoma. No, Oklahoma. No, Oklahoma. It was opposite productions. Yeah.

Okay. What about Jesus Christ Superstar? Did you ever do a production that was a lot like that? We did a similar one, but it was called Moses Struggling Actant. Okay. What about the Phantom of the Opera? I can't imagine there would have been... We did.

We did. The good looking guy that's allowed to be at the opera. So the opera part was not opposite. That's interesting. No. Because the opposite of a Phantom of an Opera is a guy that's allowed to be at an opera. Oh, you're thinking stupidly that it would be the Ghost of the Ballet, but you don't get opposites and you don't get basic things.

And then guys and dolls, we did chicks and teddy bears. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's... That was a straight line. I'm interested in that one. I would have liked to do. And instead of Les Miserables, instead of Les Miserables, we did Los Homies.

And there was three homies having the best day of their fucking lives. Wearing high black socks and a shirt button to the top. And real long shorts and flippies. Yeah. They're flip flops. Yeah. Naiman and the musical will tell you what the opposite is. Oh, sure.

Annie, get your gun. Oh. Bernie gets your gun. Bernie gets. How about Bernie gets? The subway vigilante. Oh, okay. They talk to the dog?

No. No. Oh, sorry. That's the son of Sam. I get them very mixed up. Well, you're not bright and you're not educated. But it's not a dig at you. Well, it seems like a very textbook dig at me.

I'm assuming your parents didn't have a lot of money or something. It's not a dig at you. They didn't work hard. I don't know how. Well, also, I didn't live in New York for a long time. Okay. Not very important in California. Well, and of course, that's your fault.

That's your fault. You know, we were lucky enough to be born not lucky. We were correctly born in the East Coast. Okay. And in New York at a time when guys like us in the 70s, when the son of Sam was doing his thing, you know, and he was a buddy, he was a friend, he was a dear friend. You guys knew David Berkowitz was a dear friend. David Berkowitz was a good friend.

We were better friends with his dog. People don't know the dog is David said that the dog told him to do the murders. Right. And what gets lost is that the dog could talk. Oh, that was real. Everyone thought he was hallucinating. No, he could talk. No, he could talk.

Yeah. But the dog was a pacifist. Yeah. The dog was like a quaker, kind of really into like peaceful non-violence. Spiritual guy. So the weird part of the story is that. Yeah. To throw the dog under the bus, frankly, it was kind of lousy.

And I said that to David the last time we visited him. When you visited him in jail. Yeah. We'd go to him in jail and he wants like candy bars and shit. And then he would give us some sort of arts crafts, you know, we'd get like, oh, great. Oh, another thing you made with toilet paper rolls. Oh, thanks. It's a cozy for my tea.

Yeah. You're a nobody and you're not famous anymore is what we would say the last time we visited. But he's more famous now that he's in jail. Is it? He stayed, that's the clean movie about him. That's true. I just want to keep saying musicals, little shop of horse. Okay.

The department store of dreams. Okay. And that was. And that was the musical we did about Bloomingdale's. Yeah. Bloomingdale's. You know how to blow my nails, blew your net meeting paint, blew. Exactly.

We'd put blue paint on our nails and then we would go to the Yaget, get you go down to the casting. Go to the 40 carat. And get Yaget. And you know. Yeah, I do know. And then look at close from Perry Ellis and think, how do you stay around? How are you still a thing?

Van Huston. Yeah. Who are your shirts for? No, miss. I don't want to buy this Nautica shirt. I want to know about the whole operation. My question is where did clothes go if they don't get sold? I guess these people who run the store can get them or they go into the remainder bin.

I think they just, that all those people get all the clothes that are stored. They probably go back and they burn them. That's funny. Burn clothes. Yeah, we would. But we did the bombing. What? Yeah.

What did you do? Are we allowed to talk about this now? Yeah. I think so. Enough times past. We were political subversives. Me and Gil and our friend Bernard, back in for about. You know.

Well, I guess. Is this Bernie Gates? No, but it's, everybody knows him now is Bernie Sanders. Oh. Wait, he's going by Bernie now? Yeah, he's going by Bernie. You haven't kept up with Bernie Sanders. He's in the new.

He's running for president. Bernie Bernard is running for president of what? The dandruff on blazer society? No. You're kidding me. No. He's running for president. Bernie, he goes by Bernie to sound young.

So Bernie Sanders. He's run. Wait a minute. Yeah. Yeah. Bernard. Bernard. Our equal.

Yeah. Yeah. In all sorts of ways. Oh, wait. So you guys were like the three musketeers? We were in the Burlington three. Right. We were part of the Burlington three and we bombed the Burlington coat factory.

The original. No. And they bounced back in a huge way. Well, they started that guarantee that people are going to like the way they look. That's Ms. Warehouse. That's Ms. Warehouse, which we also bombed. But that's because I thought that the guy that owned it was George Zimmerman from the Trayvon Martin case.

Oh. It really was a guy named George Zimmer, something else. Ah. The point of it is Zimmerman, Zimmer, Zimmer, it's Jingleheimer Schmidt. I blew up your store, sir, and I'm sorry. Oh, but you are, sir. You're apologize. I'm a monster.

I just don't want to get caught. People don't realize that G St. G's got a lot of remorse in him. So wait a second. Let me get back to this. We were three. We were the Burlington three. The Burlington three. I thought we might still be fugitives.

No, we're done. And Bernie is running for president. Bernie's running for president of the United States of America and he's got a great chance of beating like a suede jacket. Did he get some sort of amnesty or something? Well, what's the deal with this? I mean, I've been in hiding. You haven't exactly been in hiding, by the way.

That's true. No, you, because I would say you actually skirt a beautiful line between agoraphobia and egomaniacal rampages. Right. I won't leave the apartment for weeks, but I love to do panel and I really work on stories for it. But you still, you still want it, aren't you? Yeah, I'm wanting it in a couple different states.

Well, because I was the, I don't like to brag about it, but I was the founder and head of the Occupy Walgreens movement. You're not talking about Occupy Wall Street? No, no, love Wall Street. They keep this country moving. I like my money to grow in the bank. Fucking store Walgreens. Oh, what's, what's your beat?

I'm just, I'm so sick of the 1% Scott. The 1% of? Milk, 1% milk. I want 2% or I want whole milk. Usually they serve 2%. I haven't seen a lot of one. Add whole greens? Add whole greens?

Add whole greens. Okay. So, you know, the 99% of people want to be able to just buy razor blades and because of these fat cats, they're behind plastic and I have to flag down a guy with dreads tied in a ponytail. Well, now I can just. I'm gonna blow up Walgreens. You can just press the button.

What? It emits a high-pitched sound and someone comes over. Good. And then a dog runs over and then a dog comes up and tries to bite your face off. No, right? They don't like dogs in Walgreens today. You're breaking down. What is wrong with you?

He's, he's, come on. Gil, come on. I don't like being back in Los Angeles. There's pit bulls everywhere. Don't worry and you're not gonna see any of the raccoons. Yeah, you may see pit bull, although he tends to hang out in Miami. He's in Miami with the raccoons. There's a lot of raccoons here.

Yeah. You don't like raccoons? No, these people take them inside and they start shampooing them and everything. They seem so cute. And then they have those human gloved hands and they grab your eyeball and pop it in your mouth like a garlic stuffed olive. They pop it in your mouth? Yeah.

They make you a your own eyeball. Oh, no. Yeah. Well, then I'm going back to Vermont if we're allowed because I have fond memories with the health food store. Oh, we had, we had a. We blew out Bobby D's. Yeah, we had a health food store.

We had a rival health food store with Robert Durst. Oh, you knew Robert Durst too? You know everybody. Bobby Durst? Bobby D? Robert Durst. He's famous now. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He's on the jinx. Yeah. Yeah. He, Andrew Jarecki and Robert Durst, you have a real psychotic megalomaniac and then there's Robert Durst. Yeah. He was a good friend of ours, Bobby D. back in, in his Vermont days, we were up there

too. So he, yeah. So it's a funny story. So, okay. So we knew Bob Durst, you know, our mothers jumped up the same roof. So, okay. Cut to the 70s. Cut to from what?

From the jumping of the roof or? Beginning of time. Okay. Any story I'm telling, cut to the 70s. All right. So beginning time. They all begin. Big bang.

Look, the big bang. All you need to know, there is an earth. Now cut to the 70s because that's where my anecdotes begin. All right. Bobby Durst opened a health food store. So I said to Gilly, let's get in the rabbit. Let's drive down there and let's open up our own health food store. So we go.

And this is all just tiger milk bars at this point. That's what a health food store is. And we, and we bought this real hard, awful corn from this Indian reservation because these guys didn't know what money was. You know, we were giving them, you know, we were giving them little drawings. They didn't know currency. So I figured if we really cheat these Indians from their reservation, we could get food so dirt cheap that we could drive Bob Durst's store out of fucking business.

Right. So we started selling, you know, really rotten food to people, but we're making a profit. Yeah. These idiots don't know because that it's terrible. Okay. Because health food in general is terrible. Yeah. So it's such a new trend that they didn't know that we were selling old food and dirt.

Right. So Robert Durst comes over. He goes, you guys, you're driving me out of business, please. This is the one thing in my life that calms me down. I feel happy and content here with my wife. If I go back to New York, I don't know what's going to happen. Yeah. And I go, well, well, maybe we'll, uh, maybe we'll play fair or maybe you could suck a

fuck because life's a game asshole and you can kill or be killed. And I remember he looked at me and he said, I understand the next day. He's loading up a tractor trailer. The wife is crying. They're going back to New York. And we had a, it was a laugh and it was such a fun time. Was that the last time you saw him? Oh, no, we saw him in New York a few times or we said we saw him.

What is that? What do you mean by that? Well, he's mad at him. Gills mad at him because he stole his thing. What? What's your thing? What's his, what? What was your thing?

I don't remember. Well, burping? Yes. Oh, that's right. Okay. You know, everybody knows the guy's Robert Burps now, but that was me. I was originally the burp guy. If I'm, if I'm lying, I burp.

He starts burping. Yeah. You don't want to be known as that guy. Well, you take what, you know, you, you, you get your branding and you stick to it. A brand is a brand, you know? That's true. Yeah. Like, um, uh, is that your salmon on the comforter?

See, he's lying. You didn't even lie. You didn't even say yes or no. You just burped. The burp implies the lie, I think, right? Okay. But it doesn't, but it's not like, he didn't burp if he didn't do it. Okay.

Right? Like, uh, did you kill Nicole Brown Simpson? No. Okay. See? Okay. Did you kill Ron Goldman? See?

What were you doing killing Ron Goldman and not, I think the same person killed both of them. No. Oh, you don't understand anything about anything. Or Enthal James. Do you even understand what Brentwood was like in the nineties? Yes. In the Metsaluna scene. Do you know how many rivalries were going on in Metsaluna?

Okay. I guess I don't know. You don't know about Metsaluna. I have a restaurant. I have Ron Goldman worked at. I refuse to believe anyone needs an explanation of Metsaluna, the restaurant we're in Goldman with. Number seven.

Oh boy. Those guys. They can go for hours. And I'd like them to. They can go. I don't know. What were you guys doing? Nothing.

I'm happy for them. I'm happy for them. Paul, I'm grabbing your arm. Can I come and catch you for a while? Can they go what? I was going to say a mean thing and then I restrained myself. Why would you say a mean thing to them? Well, I mean, they're, you know, they got that Broadway run and I, you know, my play flopped.

What was your play again? It was called Hamilton's. Hamilton's. Hamilton's. Hamilton's. Yes. It was about Alexander Hamilton making the perfect salad. The inventor of the Caesar salad himself, Alexander Hamilton.

Alexander Hamilton's. And this came out well after Hamilton. Oh, so long after. Like it had been an established hit. Oh yeah. Everyone knew it. I'd never heard of it. And I thought this is the, the time is right.

The time is right. The time is right for having fun and to dance in the street. Don't forget the motor city. You see that video where they take the music out. Oh, I love it. I was just referencing it yesterday. It's, it's tremendous. It's so funny.

It's really my favorite viral video of all time. So good. Other than the Mr. Microphone. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're actually going to hear our live entry after this. This will be number three in our live entry. We will be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

Food. We all eat it. Controversial. I know. But a lot of people, when it comes to food, they don't quite know what to do at home. We all know that eating out all the time, it's expensive. It's probably bad for you. And you're not a Renaissance king to have food delivered to you all the time.

Or are you? Because there's a new thing in town. I'm very excited about. It's called Blue Apron. You guys know Blue Apron, fresh, fresh, high quality, tasting better ingredients. Is that a sentence? I'm not sure. But their ingredients taste better.

You can't dispute that. You want to know where your food comes from, right? Well, Blue Apron has a great impact on the community because they have established partnerships with over 150 local farms, fisheries, and ranchers across the United States. So as a result, seafood is sourced sustainably, under standards developed in partnership with the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Seafood watch? Very important.

Beef is raised humanely, chickens are free range, and pork is raised naturally. This food is great. Regenerative. Did I say that right? Do I always have a problem with that particular word? Regenerative. Regenerative. That it doesn't sound like it is right, but it is right.

Regenerative. No. Regenerative. Oh, Blue Apron, you're killing me. Why put in this word? It regenerates a lot. I can say that. Regenerative.

Regenerative. It should be like regenerative. I don't know. Anyway, these farming practices are dynamite and they are used for produce. Blue Apron can be delivered to 99% of the continental US and 99.5% of food deserts. Because Blue Apron ships the exact amount of each ingredient required for a recipe, they're also reducing food waste. So they're not sending you a bunch of stuff, you're just going to throw in the garbage.

Cooking together builds strong family bonds, and Blue Apron families cook nearly three times more often, and you're not going to spend a lot by eating out. So for less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-proportioned or pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious, home-cooked meals. Blue Apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals, so they set the highest quality standards for their community of artisanal suppliers, family-run farms, fisheries, and ranchers. What are some of the meals we have in December?

Red pork and braised cabbage with barley and glazed apples, num num nummers, Thai green coconut curry with sweet potato and jasmine rice, brown butter and chestnut gnocchi with brussel sprouts and pea shoot salad? This is high quality stuff. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash CBB. You're going to love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait.

It's blueapron.com slash CBB. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Comedy bang bang back here, I'm so sorry. You've been here this whole time. Wait, you feel like you've been doing the show alone? I mean... I'm not an imaginary person. You're not, Mr. Robot?

What if one of us was an imaginary person to the other? How weird would that be? And that when people were listening to these episodes, it was just me rambling for a long time and then taking long breaks for pauses. I'm the imaginary guy? In my scenario, but in the opposite scenario. But wait, what if I am imaginary? That's true.

I mean, you have all of the aspects of an imaginary person. What does that mean? You dress like an imaginary person. That's what I thought you had. You have a big beard. I don't want to have this beard. I know. What do you have the beard for?

This for a bajillion. Because last time, because first couple of seasons I had a fake beard, which added time to everyone's day. Yeah. And you weren't able to be an hour late. That's right. And so you wanted the luxury of blaming Obama for traffic. That's right.

Thanks, Obama. And so I thought, well, I'll just grow a beard. It'll be easier. And it is. Does it hurt? But it's so painful. It's so painful because it's growing back into my face. Oh.

Yeah. That's no good. Do you have to cut it every day in order to keep it the same length? Or do you make the make-up? Not every day. No. It's, I think I've trimmed it a couple of times since I started growing in in August. But it's, it's, it's not uncomfortable or anything.

I just don't like it. Are you on the last day of shooting going to shave when they yell? And that is a season wrap on Paula Tompkins. I thought about shaving at the wrap party. Yeah. Oh, in front of everyone. About taking some clippers and yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It'll slow the party down for a good half hour. You don't think people love to see shit like that? That's right. When somebody gets a haircut, it's the best. Oh, wait. Are you just hanging around barbershops? That's why there's all these crowds around barbershops. That's why they have clear windows too.

Yeah. They know, they know what side their bread is buttered on. People love watching other people's hair go away. Go away. It's not going away. It's going onto the floor. Oh, I never thought to look down. Wait, you've never looked down on the floor?

I just thought, I just thought it went away. It just vanishes from your field of vision. I just thought it went away. I just thought it went away. Wait a minute. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. When people drop money on the grounds, do you think it just disappears as well?

Are you dropping money on the ground? Have you ever dropped money? Well, sometimes if I have too much money, I'm like, I gotta get rid of this. I'll just send it to the away place and I just let go of it with my fingers. Have you ever had a pet? Have you ever had a pet? Yeah, sure. What kind of pet have you had?

Birds. Okay. And cages, you know. Yeah. And they're in your... Yeah. All kinds of eye level. Oh, I remember having a cat that would appear and disappear periodically.

All right. I could do this for hours. Ah, I feel like... And we have a good time. All right. We have a good time. Hold on. There's more time for this.

Yeah, yeah. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, here's a serious entreaty to the audience. If someone could keep track of the sound effects we already have for the sound effects record. Yes. Yeah, what are they?

I know we have water being poured into a glass many times. Yes. So we have another, a number of options to choose from when we finally put the album together. Right. Of that track. Right. That's the only one I can remember right now?

Yeah, I know. Well, there's of course the train and the Doppler effect. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Okay. Okay. We got that. That's not the train? What do you mean that?

Are the train and the Doppler effect two separate sound effects? Well, the sound of the train is experiencing the Doppler effect. One could not literally record the Doppler effect without recording the thing that is experiencing the Doppler effect. Scott, Scott, I understand that. It was your phrasing of we have the train and the Doppler effect. That's what made me think that you have, in your mind, recorded two things. There's a track called the Doppler effect.

This is just combined. Okay. My mistake? There could be two tracks, one train and one passing train, which would... Did you see that viral video, two tracks, one train? What was your entreaty, by the way, it was... Let us know what tracks we already have. Already have.

Because we got to fill... We got to fill 99 tracks and we got to get to business on this. Because I would eventually like to put out a sound effects record. Much like, please don't joke about iRobot this Christmas, we need to get this out next year in the stores. No, we're not going to get it out next year. We're not going to get the sound effects record out next year? I don't think we're going to get 99.

Do you think that will be the last episode that we ever record? Yes. We'll just be a sound effects record. Just be the sound effects record. 99 sound effects in a row. Number one with a bullet. I think we said number 11 was the glass. Yeah.

Something like that. I can't remember. Anyway, please let us know. Because we are struggling here. Look, we got a lot of tracks to put down. I can't even think of that many sounds. How many sounds are there? Like I said, there's birds.

That's all I can think of. Water in a glass. The Doppler effect. The end. Princes train. Princes train? Princes train. I love that movie.

Look, we got to get to our next clip. We got... This is your number three. Number three. That's right. This is number three of the live tracks. This is an interesting one, Paul. This is...

Some of these picks for the live tracks are atypical. We did a ton of episodes. We did. You're saying some people made... Like the voters chose poorly. No, they didn't choose poorly. What's interesting to me is we did so many episodes in a row in the US tour. Yes.

And not a lot of those made it, but these little interesting ones, Montreal, for instance, with the oh-hello guys, Sydney, you know, out there in the middle of nowhere. And then this one, this is the only one you weren't at, Paul. This is live from Comic-Con, July 25th. Fuck this. No, Paul, come back, come back. No, I'm not going to talk to you. Come back.

Paul, come back. Do it. Do it. Come on. You just want me to talk? Yeah, you got it. You decide to go to New York. You were invited.

It's great. You were invited. All right. Enjoy, everybody. Okay, all right. Okay, this was live from Comic-Con. Every year I try to go down to Comic-Con and do an episode down there. Usually I'm down there for business and pleasure reasons.

And a lot of people are down there as well. And this time we had a great group. We have Lorne... Sounds great. We have Lorne Lapkis, Jason Manzuchus, John Gabris, our good old intern Gino, and of course Thomas Middleditch happened to be down there as well. And this sort of acts as a de facto sequel to the Kid Detectives saga because Thomas and Lorne decide to do the Kid Detectives together.

The best. If you're going to talk, talk on mic. I didn't realize I was talking. You realized you were sarcastically talking, didn't you? What? Feel free to chime in. Just do it on mic. You got it.

Now listeners will be interested to know that we had a couple of celebs in the audience watching this. We had from the TV show Orphan Black, we had Tatiana Maslany, and we all said Christian Brune. They were in the audience. They happened to be there for Orphan Black. And when they heard the lineup, they said, we got to get over there. And they came out and watched this episode, so imagine that while you're listening to

it. Hope they had fun. This is, you've picked it as the number two, did I say number three before? Because it is number two. This is. Even better. This is actually the number two episode of the live episodes. This is live from Comic-Con, you're number two.

Number two. JJ Murphy. It's so great to see you again. It's a pleasure. It's such a pleasure. The pleasure is all ours. The pleasure is ours. Just before this, I was showing my sister how far I can tuck my dinger behind my legs.

It looks like a real pussy. Yeah. I was so excited. I could tuck it all the way and touch the rail of my hole. That's where we're starting. If you go for the super deep tuck, it creates a little fold. Good tip. Which is nice.

Yeah. That's great advice. Thanks, mister. That'll come in handy later. Cool. All right. So, for those of you who don't know and haven't listened to their episodes, JJ and Murphy are a couple of kids who fancy themselves to be kid detectives.

Fancy ourselves. More like ourselves. Yeah. And actually, we got a hot new case. Oh, boy. It's a big one. You have a new case, really. Yeah.

Who's Mike do we need to switch out? I don't know. I think it's JJ's. Nope. I think you mean the other one. What's wrong with it? Hello? Yes.

Let me check these. I'm sorry. I forgot to do this part. Test. Check. One. Geno. Geno.

One. Geno. Your mic is fine. Mine's good. One. Two. Yeah. It's not me.

Okay. Okay. And sound speeds. So, JJ and Murphy, you have a brand new case. Yes, sir. Did you ever solve your first case? The first case was the case of your dead mother. Yes, we figured out that you killed her, sir.

No. You may have figured that out, but it was not the case. We'll let the course aside. Are you currently involved in illegal? I have a trial in 2017 regarding this matter. So, what is your new case? Well, we've actually got a pretty fun thing. Yeah.

We've been hired by the FBI. Wow! The Federal Bureau of Investigation. The very one. Yeah. They really liked our work, and they said, hey, we got a big case for you, and it's big. Oh, so big.

And then he showed us his daughter. And it was big. Wait, that's the case? He said, we have a big case for you. Look. Yeah. And we said, yup, and then he tucked it back in and then gave us the case files.

Are you sure this guy wasn't a female body inspector? Yeah. Because I got confused a couple of times. Yeah. I reported a terrorist to a guy selling t-shirts on the shore one time. And he was like, I don't know what to do with this. I'm like, well, don't wear an FBI tank top.

Well, that's cool. That's the reaction I was hoping for. Can I ask what was in the case files? Well, we weren't supposed to share it. Oh, is it classified? Yeah. But we kind of hit a snack. So we're hoping you guys can help out.

Crack the case. Okay. And the Federal Bureau of Investigation is located where? Florida. Florida. Since... Florida. What was that?

It was for Washington Lane, Florida. Florida. Duh. Duh. Duh. Florida. Oh. Florida.

Yeah, no, Duh. Duh, duh, duh. Now listen, sir. You're so polite. I've always loved that about you, too. Now listen, sir. The case involved a pretty high-ranking official in U.S. government ever heard of it?

Well, we're in the throes of an election now, so it's on a lot of people's minds. Yes, he's a senator. Mmm. The senator of Delaware. His name's Professor Buttskin. Wait, is that his name, or is that his code name in the case? Uh, Jason, you need to pay attention to politics,

because you've never heard of Professor Buttskin, senator of Delaware? He goes by professor, though? Yeah, why would a... Why would a professor take president over senator? His first name is Professor. Last name, Buttskin? Yeah, it's senator Professor Buttskin.

Of Delaware. Anyway, he lost his favorite jelly bean, and we gotta track it down. It was a cute little red one, his fave. It's so sweet, like cherries. Yeah, because that's the flavor of it. It... It was his favorite jelly bean.

Oh, yes, sir. Out of how many jelly beans does he have? The world. Yeah. What? It is favored in the world? What do you mean, the world? The world of jelly beans?

That was his favorite what? He's the senator of Delaware, sir. He knows a thing or two about jelly beans. So he sends you guys to San Diego, on the trail of a red jelly bean? Well, he sent the FBI on the trail, and the FBI outsourced to us kid detectives. And then we sniffed it out to San Diego.

Yeah. Okay, so you were in Florida originally. You bet. Yeah. And what brought the case here? Well, you'll never believe it. Try me. I would love to believe it.

You believe it. Well, first we followed our noses. Yeah. Yeah, we spent a good, well, 60 to 68 days with our noses on the ground, sniffing the grass and the dirt. And then we 69'd. On the 69th day.

On the 69th day, we thought, hey, wait, you don't have the jelly bean, do you? In your butt? Let me see. Yeah. What are my butt? And then I made sure I sniffed her vagina. So I smelled it real good,

and I didn't smell cherry. That's for sure. Oh, boy. That had layers. So after that. That had real layers. So after that body inspection, you were still no closer to finding the jelly bean.

But by the time we woke up, we were in San Diego. Yeah, because we... You guys are right. I am having trouble believing this. You woke up after the 69th day. We fell asleep during. It was so good. Wait, those two things work against each other.

It was so comforting, sir. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Sir, we've been doing that since we were little. In the womb. Yeah, ever since we had trouble sleeping, we always smelled each other's butts or vaginas. So you fell...

And we fell asleep so hard we flew across the country. Wait, meaning someone took you and flew you? I guess. All we know is that when we left the airport, a couple of men said, you're welcome. Mm-hmm. What did these men look like?

Could you describe them or...? Tall. Big eyes like aliens. Yeah. Bald. Like aliens? Yeah. Paper white skin.

Like aliens. Three fingers on each hand. Like aliens. It sounds like you guys are transported here via the grays. Um, no. You did the math. What math? I think the math is you guys smelled the ground for 68 days,

then sniffed each other's taints, and then aliens dropped you in San Diego. But you... The only thing on your mind is finishing this mission to find the chair. We gotta finish it or we won't get paid. Yeah. How much do you guys get paid for a case like this?

Mm-hmm. One jelly bean. Not his favorite jelly bean. Oh, no. No, no. It's any old jelly bean. That'll do, sir. Then we eat it like a lady in the trap.

How's that? We each take an end, and we chomp slowly while finger-banging each other. You chomp slowly through a jelly bean? Yeah. I don't know that there's... How many chomps can you get into a jelly bean? I don't know.

Ask an owl. That's a question for a cartoon owl. I finger his butthole and he fingers my vagina. What more do you need to know? I don't know. Anyway, we're hoping that you can help us find this jelly bean. What are the clues that you have so far? It's pretty little.

The jelly beaners. So far we know. It's little. It's red. This sounds like a job for the Clues Brothers. Clues Brothers 2000. That's my favorite. Little red.

Little red. Little red running hood. How many words is that? Four words. Four Washington lanes. But that can't be where it is. That's where he is. Who is?

The senator. The senator of Delaware is in four Washington lanes, Florida. Well, he's being captured by the FBI until the jelly bean has rescued. He's been captured? I thought he assigned you this case. I thought this was his case. I thought the FBI assigned you guys the case. Oh, no.

Wait, so are you guys reporting to the FBI or Professor Buttskin? We're reporting to the FBI. Agent. Agent? Agent. Agent. Agent. They have...

Agent. Agent. Is that a name? Agent. They describe their agents by how old they are. He's ancient. He was dug up from King Tut's tomb. Yeah.

So he's King Tut? No. He's... He's... He's an ancient... ...emojinhotep or whatever. This is like a who's buried in Grant's tomb kind of situation. I don't know, sir.

All we need to find out is where this jelly bean is or maybe we've been set up. Oh, no. Maybe it's here in this room. Who's got it? What? All right, dingers. Raise your hand if you got our jelly bean. Maybe you should...

Maybe you should look for clues. Hmm. How many people are in here? Yeah, how many boys? Someone said, I've got it. But that would put an end to all of this. If we found the jelly bean, what could we do next? Someone's about to give up their last molly.

I literally think someone is holding a jelly bean, which is unsettling to say the least. Bring it here. A loose jelly bean. A loose, a random... Bring it here. Bring it to us. Bring it to us. Bring it to us.

You know that not just any red jelly bean is the red jelly bean. This guy's wife was like, don't bring the fucking jelly bean to the show. He's never gonna ask for it. Okay, okay, hang on. Stay right here. Stay right here. Stay right here, creep. Turn around and face these people.

This is a skittle. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. No. No.

Boo. Do you really think we're that dumb? How dare you disrespect two incestual twins? These are two children that sniff each other's privates and are on a serious mission. And you're distracting them with a skittle, you asshole? Jesus Christ. These are kids. These kids have hopes.

They hope to solve a case and get their fingers in each other's wet, sticky holes. This isn't some bullshit zodiac thing where, you know, everyone's just solving puzzles on the fucking crosswords or whatever. This is a real fucking case. Wait, what's that, Gino? I don't know. Oh, so funny. Paul, I'm sorry you weren't there.

Yeah. Are you ready to talk again? Sure. I'm sorry. You chose not to come. Yep. What's wrong? What's really wrong?

It's great. What's really wrong? Yeah, everyone liked it so much. They liked it because it was funny. You thought it was funny. You were laughing harder than anyone while we were listening to it. You're rolling. Oh, I was looking at something on my phone.

What were you looking at? Funny video. A funny video of what? A baby and a dog. What are they doing? They're having a great time together. Snuggling. That doesn't sound funny.

It sounds heartwarming. It was funny and heartwarming. I mean, you were laughing so hard. That's how I laugh when my heart is warmed. Can I say you were also laughing anytime anyone said anything funny during the clip? It was just synced up like Dark Side of the Moon and Pink Floyd. I don't think so. I think Pink Floyd.

Remember when Dark Side of the Moon and Pink Floyd synced up and made that record that was so popular? All right, we need to take a break. We need to. When we come back, we will have the number six episode of the year. This is exciting. We're getting all the way up. And this one, Paul, I think you're going to like a little bit more.

I hope so. All right, we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang. Hey, everyone. We're brought to you by Squarespace today, whether you need a landing page. And of course, you and I both are smart and we know what that is. Whether you need a beautiful gallery, a professional blog, or an online store, it is all included with your Squarespace website. Squarespace is easy.

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your question, one of their team is always online to assist you. So start your free trial today at squarespace.com and enter offer code BANGBANG, you're going to get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace, set your website apart. Oh, we are back and, uh, boy, we are really getting into it here. Yeah, man, we are. We're going to crack the top five on this episode. Like, Scott, I'm proud of us.

I'm proud of us, too. We could have given up. How many times do we want to give up during this process? How many times, by the way, and we've edited all of them out. But after every sentence, we've checked in and said, do you want to give up? Yeah. And the response always is, I do, but we shouldn't. We shouldn't.

We need to keep going. Yeah. So let's keep doing that. By the way, do you want to give up? I do, but we shouldn't. We should keep going. Yeah. Okay.

So we're going to keep going. Let's get to it. This is your episode number six. Number six. All right. This is episode number six, and let me give you a date that it occurred. This is September 19. Let's see if you can guess what episode this is.

Okay. September, third week of September, what normally happens? Do I remember the very third week of September? What have we done the past couple of September? What happens every year in September? Think of Showbiz. The Showbiz Awards. Definitely the Showbiz Awards in the field of television.

The Emmy Awards. The Emmy Awards. Now, for the past couple of years, there's been a person nominated. There's been. There's been a person nominated, and everyone from the show comes up. Shut up. I know exactly what this is. What are you?

What is it? What's with you? This is going to be an episode with our friend Tatiana Maslani, Kristen Brun, Mary Holland, and myself. You nailed it. That's right. Episode 446 on September 19, scrounging and lounging. Scrounging and lounging.

That's right. Now, both of those guys have, look, they film up in the Canada. Look, they film up in the Canada. They're not down here all the time, although I do believe Christian is moving down here. When the show wraps. But they film up there in Canada. They're not here every week. We should, too.

You know what I mean? Most of Showbiz is here. Tatiana, they listen to the show. They do, yeah. Tatiana. Can we speak to you for one second? Especially like, they're probably going to listen because their episode is now in the countdown.

Tatiana, could you see us in your kitchen for a second? Will you take this podcast into your kitchen? Tatiana. Hey. What are you doing? Of course you're going to move to LA. What are you talking about? What's happening right now?

You belong here. You're living in Toronto the rest of your life? Come on. It's great, but it's time that you got to leave. You got to leave. You're always writing to me complaining that you don't get CISO up there and making me send you all the episodes to take my wife and bajillion. Just move down here where you can get CISO.

It's CISO all the time down here. And I know CISO has been promising to be up there in Canada for at least one calendar year. Do you want me? They're lying. They're lying. They are liars. CISO are the biggest liars in show business.

They lie all the time. It's disgusting. They're disgusting. Tatiana. You belong down here. You belong here. You're one of us. You've heard that song?

We love it. Century Boulevard. It's about Los Angeles. We love it. Did you not know that? What's about LA? It's about LA. It's about LA.

We love it. We love it. Listen. We'd love it. Oh. You know what I'm saying? We'd love it. Four times.

Touchdown. Come down here. So weird every day. Be an LA person. Get high with us. Get an LA person. Come do it. Get high with us every day.

Scott and I, all we do is get high. And then we record the show. And then we record the show. We can't do the show without being high. Listen. It's true. A lot of people say we deny it, but we get high. We get high before every show.

Every show. And we hope that you get high while you listen to it. And before you listen to it. This is what it could be like. Listen. I know what you're thinking. I'm asking all the time. No.

No. It's a big sprawling city. You'll never see it again. You'll never have to see him. Look. The minute that Donnie and Allison wrap their final scene, you never have to lay eyes on that motherfucker ever again. Yeah.

You don't have to go to the rap party because you'll be busy working on another thing. Yeah. You'll be. Look. They're not going to shift the rap party around your schedule. No. You're just the lead of the show. You just lead the show.

You're like. You play 18 characters. Uh-huh. You're like, check out the back of my ass, motherfuckers. And you're just out the door. That's right. And they have their little rap party. They're like, oh, what are we going to do now?

All of our careers are over. All of our careers are over. Meanwhile, Emmy winner over here, she gets to do whatever the fuck she wants. You should be down here. You should be. With the Emmy winners like myself. Yeah. And Emmy nominees like me.

Sure. So look, if you're listening, can we count on you? And we know you are. We know you are. Come on. You have nothing better to do. Well, all right. All right.

All right. Let's talk to Christian, too. Hey, Christian. Christian. Christian. Do you mind not texting us so much? Yeah. Could you listen?

You have that. What is it called? The Hardwick Mysteries? The Hardwick Mysteries. What? Stick to that. Yeah. You play Constable Johnstable or whatever his name is.

Constable Johnstable. He's got a trumpet and he solves crimes somehow. Trumpet. He's got a trumpet. The fucking trumpet, Christian. Listen. What's your problem? How about this?

You could start, maybe stay in Canada. You could just stay there. Bring that Nike swoosh show up there. I know you got plans to come down here. We have enough actors. Maybe, maybe like, you know, ease into it. You don't want to jump into the deep end right away. Put your toe into the water.

Yeah. Come on. You know what I mean? Okay. All right. Good talk. Good talk. All right.

We're going to hear this clip. Now, what's interesting, I don't know if this is in the clip itself, but we, anytime we have someone who is nominated for an Emmy and they, they, they tape the episode right before the ceremony, we like to joke about like, oh, what are you going to say when you win? And I'm not going to say that we didn't think Tatiana should win because I have always said that she should win that award because of just the, the sheer amount of acting she does. It's, and it's not done by tonnage, but it's, you know, I mean, she acts way more than any

other nominee, male or female. She literally does. I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's a, it's a singular feat. It's a singular feat. It's a really amazing thing that she did. But the Emmys are not really ever fair or just. So I, in my mind, I was thinking there's no way that, so we were sort of joking around, you know, like, what?

Now you include your win in that. Yeah. Exactly. No, there are a lot of people who would say it is definitely not just. And by the way, wins. But I, but, so we were joking around about what her, what her speech would be when, when she won. Well, even that we were joking about where speech was because it was coming up the day

after the board, supposedly she would win. And motherfucker, if she didn't win that award, I was on my feet cheering. So there were not enough chairs at the party. I was at. So you were already on your feet. I was already on my feet. Yeah. But I was cheering.

And what a great moment. And she deserved it. And I think the only time we will have had an M, a person who just won an Emmy and is on the very next episode of Comedy Bing Bing, because normally if you are nominated, when you come out here, especially from another city, you're in the middle of a whirlwind press tour. And you have to do so much while you're here that the fact that those two guys make time to do the show.

Make it a priority. And made it a priority is, is fantastic. So let's listen to this. And by the way, I also want to set up in this episode, Mary Holland has probably the best entrance of any Comedy Bang Bang episode ever. It destroyed me like nothing has in a really long time. She plays Janice Cramps. We're going to hear that entrance.

So this is your episode number six. Number six. Good luck to you. Have you ever broken anything else? I've broken that foot four times. Four times? Yes. Not swing dancing each time.

No. Different times, different ways. What were the other ways? List the other ways you've broken it. The first time I broke it was doing military stuff. You have to be more specific. Okay, I was doing it. Purely sexual.

I was doing it. Obviously sexual. It was obviously sexual. Military school, I was wearing combat boots that they fit me at the beginning of my first year when I was like a tiny little 13-year-old boy. By the end of the year, my feet had grown, but my boots obviously were the same size, so I slowly broke my foot over the course of the year. What the?

What? Yeah. So it was just... You slowly broke your foot. Well, I don't know. There was no moment where I was like, oh, I just broke my foot. It just like generally expanded. It was starting really hurting, really bad, and then we had an x-ray and they're like,

your foot's broken. Yeah. I was basically Chinese footbinding at military school. Okay. That's number one. But now you're the prettiest one. Second time was drunk and swing dancing as Dionysus. We've covered that.

Yeah. Third time was onstage in the middle of a play. I broke my foot onstage. I broke my toe backstage. Wow. That's not as cool as ours. He and I have a lot in common. I'm a girl, so it was different.

They don't allow women onstage. No. I was doing costumes. And the flit time, I don't know. What were you onstage? It was like this clown-based show. Okay, you are the worst. I was playing the personification of CNN in a play based off of No Logo by Naomi Cunningham.

How did you ever get on a show as cool as Orphan Black? You... Oh, my God. It was really political. Stick to the Murdoch Mysteries. Oh, my God. I'm sweating. I'm so embarrassed right now.

I was dressed like a giant microphone. That said CNN across it. Oh, Jesus, take the wheel. And there was another character who was a Nike swoop and another one that was a giant... A swoop? Yeah, and another one that was a giant can of Coke. It was based off of No Logo by Naomi Klein. We called it faux logo.

I believe it's a swoosh, by the way, not a swoop. Okay, it is a swoosh. Yeah, and that was with my own theater company. That was your own theater company. You were funding this. Oh, gosh. And you don't recall the fourth thing. The fourth time I broke my foot, it...

I thought I had repaired my foot and they had given me orthotics and I had worn them properly and I'd been so diligent and then like a year later we went and ultrasounded it to see how it was and they're like, okay, your fourth metatarsis is healed but your fifth is broken. And I was like, what? When did that happen? And then I had a different broken bone in my foot. I don't know what happened. I think I've...

Why don't you keep like a safe around your foot or something? Like, why are you even letting it out of the house? I gotta live, Scott. That's true. That's true. I've always said that about you. You are alive. I'm so embarrassed, I'm sweating so much right now.

I'm sure the coffee doesn't help. Let's get to our next guest and you guys are going to be really interested in this person and I know nothing about her. It's almost like when someone comes on like this, it's like, wow, there's a wealth of information I don't know and I get to now just feed on that like a succubus and just get all of that information out and just like rub it all over my face. All I have is her name. That's enough for me.

Please welcome Janice Cramps. Hello. Hi, I'm pregnant. Oh. Congrats. That's amazing. Thank you so much. Congrats.

Thank you. Thank you. How many... I mean, I'm three months in. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So this... So you're pregnant. Did you come here to announce it?

Yeah, I just wanted to talk about my... I wanted to talk about my experience of being pregnant and just what that's like. So you're a pregnant woman. I'm a pregnant woman. I'm three months pregnant and get this, get this, get this. I'm getting it. Your stomach gets bigger as the baby inside you grows. Yeah.

Can you believe that? Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Is that because the baby is pushing it out or is it the stomach is growing at the same rate as the baby? And it's so it's always... So that the baby always has like breathing room. You know what I mean? I don't, Scott.

That question is nonsense. As the baby gets bigger, the stomach gets bigger. So it pushes out almost like Christian's toe, his foot, eventually broke. If that were the case, wouldn't the baby's break like his foot? You know? I feel like the stomach is growing and the baby is growing as well and they're growing at the same rate. Here's the thing, Scott. I'm miming it right now.

Do you have a penis? You're looking right at it. Do you have a penis? You're literally staring at it. If you don't, then what is that? What is that? You're flicking it with your finger right now. What is it?

Why is it out of your pants right now? Well, that's how I do the show. I know, but it's creepy. Do you... Yes, I do have a penis. Is this a penis? Yes, stop. Is what I am flicking a penis or is it a pendulum?

Or is your penis a pendulum? A pendulum as in like in a clock? Yeah, the pit in the pendulum. Is it a girl in a pose? Short story. Okay. Is it a pendulum? No, it's a penis.

That's right. What point are you making right now? My point is, you know what? You just don't know what it's like when you're pregnant. I mean, you don't understand how that works. You don't understand what that feels like when you have life inside of you. So what is it like? So, well, I'll start by saying that I knew the moment it happened.

I've heard that. Yeah, you can really feel something attaches to it. To what you have inside. What do you have? For me, it's a treasure trove of eggs and goo and spit. Someone's spitting in there? All the way back there? I mean, look, spit comes from somewhere and I think it comes from deep in your vagina.

Okay. Okay. How do we spit then? If I spit out my mouth, where's that spit coming from? Yeah, it's a good point. Have you ever been out of a vagina before? Have you been birthed from a vagina? So we got it in our mother's womb.

I was from my mother's womb untimely ripped. Yes, that's how spit happens. Caesarean, what's up? Okay. Well, there's still spit in the womb. Okay. Is that what that fluid is? Yeah, spit.

Can I ask you a question, Janice? Have you been to a doctor yet? Not yet, no. I'm doing a full-on home birth. But you need to go to a doctor to find out if you're pregnant or not. Oh, no, I know because my stomach's getting bigger and I knew when he came at me. But usually at three months you're not really showing yet at that point. Oh, well, I'm really showing.

I mean, I don't know. Can I ask you a totally tangentially unrelated question? Absolutely. What's your diet been recently? Pasta, only sauce and a couple of chocolate cases, meaning box of chocolates. Oh, cases, okay. But you know, I'm eating for two at this point. You've talked about pasta now in a sexual way as well as your diet.

Do you think that there's a connection there in terms of a fetish or is that right? Yeah. That's a beautiful question. Are you a linguine lover? Sure, I love some linguine. I mean, I guess, you know, I've never thought of it as a sexual fetish, but I suppose, yes, pasta goes in my mouth and in my pussy hole in more ways than one. Wait, and how many ways?

More than one. Two? Wait, like in the pee hole and in the regular hole? Look, now when did this become about my sex life? You started. You started. Here's what I'm worried about. Okay.

When did you start eating for two, the minute that he ejaculated? Yeah, that night. That night. Because I knew I was like, I just got pregnant. And to be clear, he did that inside you, right? He did what? The ejaculation. The ejaculate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was inside me. That was inside your vagina or your mouth? Because he was soft, like noodles, so there's like kind of a... It was inside the bedroom. Inside the bedroom, but what part of your body was it inside? It was on... Did he just ejaculate into a sock inside the bedroom?

And that's what makes you say it was inside? I mean, yes, there was a sock involved and maybe, you know, but I'm pregnant. And that's the thing about pregnancy is when you're eating for two and you have a baby growing in you, you start to notice emotional shifts. So like immediately that night when Marie threw that sock away, I was like, well, I'm pregnant. Well, here I am pregnant, full of a baby. Let's eat. Full of a couple of babies.

Let's eat. Let's like get this. You think you have a couple of babies? Yeah. Did you do anything with the sock after you threw it away? Did you go and retrieve it? Yeah, I got it up out of the trash can. I just...

Why are you keeping tabs on the sock? Because of the science, Scott. I'm interested in science. I'm an actor. I learn things. Weirdo. I study. What do you want?

Put it around your broken foot? Maybe. It would give me some support. Weirdo. Maybe it would give me some support, Scott, unlike you. A big stiff, crusty sock? Yeah. It would bind to my foot like a cast.

That's right. I apologize for him. Thank you. Thank you. Janice. No, I apologize. You're apologizing. Okay.

I'm apologizing for you. I take back my thanks. I take back my thanks. Well, it wasn't... It was in reference to you, but it wasn't for you. I retrieve the sock. Okay. I put my hand in it and made a sock puppet,

because that's the first thing you should do when you find a lone sock. This one was full of semen. So I put my hand in it and I talked like a little sock puppet. So it's almost like a puppet that swallowed. Sure. I don't know why you've run out of patience with me. Sure.

Whatever. And then I... You know, there's something about... Here's the thing. All the women in my family are so fertile. Like, they always have been. And I've always known that as soon as I'm around... Sex.

Sex, sperm. Yeah. Semen, spit, sauce. Yeah. All the S's. That there I am. It's like osmosis. You can get pregnant by osmosis.

So you've been pregnant before? I've been pregnant before. You have. I'll be pregnant again. So you have children. Well, they never resulted in births, no. But I did bring them to term. Okay.

What does that mean? I don't know what that means. It means... What does it mean? It means, I guess, in the past... Okay. Final cop to it. In the past, my prior babies have been...

Have been just weight gain. But I think this time is different. I think... Wait, so the previous babies, when you say you brought them to term, you ended up just losing weight and then... After nine months, I lost some weight. I joined a gym and lost some weight. Okay.

So, you know, at the nine-month mark, when I knew I wasn't going to have a baby, I said, oh, this is... This is a problem at this point. It says this must be weight gain. But you're feeling the feelings of pregnancy. So, your last name, Cramps, was that like you had a family member

in like Medieval England who was famous for having cramps? Yeah, it was almost like their job was to have cramps into birth babies. Is that just like something that genetically your family goes through is having cramps? Maybe you're feeling your family cramps instead of being pregnant. Oh, like phantom cramps? Yeah, ghost cramps.

Oh, you said that so fast. Well, Cramps is Maurice's family name and I married into the Cramps family. Oh, right. Okay. But I will say that, you know... And Maurice is not related to you before marriage. What was your maiden name?

Whoa. Cramp. Just one? Cramp? Just one. Yeah, not plural. Okay, so this is two different families. Wait, were you both Cramp?

And then you married and became Cramps? That's exactly what happened. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay. Meet the Cramps. Meet the Cramps. Oh, boy.

Right. Summer blockbuster comedy hit. Yeah, well, I'm not sure. And Eastern box office darling. More like a horror film that won't end. Anyway, okay. But I know that I'm pregnant at this moment. I know that this one is a baby.

Why don't we take a test? This one is triplets. Okay. Triplets. I'd be happy to take a test. Okay, here we go. I've got one in my pocket here. Oh, you carry pregnancy test with you?

Let me open the package. Oh, my God. This is just your standard P, P test. Wait, this is... What? You've unwrapped a quiz. Yeah. This isn't a pregnancy test.

She can't just take a quiz. No, it asks you, are you pregnant? Yes. Circle Y or circle N? This is useless, Christian. Yes, I'm circling Y. I'm circling Y. Okay.

And there we go. You're pregnant. You're pregnant. See, I told you, Scott. It's legit. All right. Okay. I guess so.

I told you all. I guess so. Have you told your husband? I haven't yet. No. Okay. No. Has he inquired about the old midsection?

He did say to me actually yesterday when I was having a nice cup of coffee in my living room. This is the morning? With a book of poetry. This is the morning. He did come into the kitchen and say... Poetry right in the morning. He said, why the fuck are you getting so fat?

And I said Maurice. I didn't answer him. Can I ask what ethnicity is he? Caucasians? Okay. This sounded like you're doing some sort of a... Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

He's Caucasian. Okay. All right. Do you feel a pressure to continue his line? To continue... He seems like a forceful man. It's kind of both. It's a bit of a...

It's both your line though also. It's her line too. Right. But you know, a man wants to find a fertile woman in order to continue his legacy. It's almost as if he doesn't exist if he doesn't have someone to reflect that back upon him. You know, it's interesting you bring that up because he did the other morning when I was having a cup of coffee in the kitchen. This is a different morning?

This is a different morning. I was writing a book of poetry. Can I ask you a different question? Were you just reading your own book on this next day? I was rereading it just to make sure I was happy with the poetry. Okay. He came in and he said, you better give me a male heir. That's what he said to me.

Right. So I knew that, you know, I think there is a pressure there. Yeah, it sounds like it. And I think, you know, but ultimately it comes down to, as a woman, do you want babies? As a woman. That's what it comes down to? Do you want babies? Do you feel like you can will yourself to have babies?

Oh, yeah. By just wanting, right. Oh, yeah. If you can dream it, you can do it Walt Disney. I don't think that's the exact quote. That is the exact quote. If you can dream it, you can do it Walt Disney. Wow.

He said Walt Disney. He said Walt Disney. That's a very interesting quote. To make sure that everyone attributed it. I think he ended most his quotes with Walt Disney. Yeah. That's right. Well, I mean, congratulations in six months on either your weight loss or a baby.

Well, nope. Maybe triplets. Triplets. Yeah. What are you going to name them? We did the test. I'm going to name them Christian Scott Tatiana. Wow.

Wow. Oh my God. Thank you so much. Wait. Is that after us? No. Oh. Okay.

Good Lord. Sorry. No. I just think you go on this. No, but no, but it was a bit strange because like. Those are our names. I don't know if you've been paying attention. Oh, I haven't.

No. I'm Christian. Hi, James. I'm Scott. I'm Tatiana. I'm pregnant. Okay. Okay.

Number six. Oh, so good. So right. So just. So just. All right. We're mad. I got to tell you we're only halfway through this episode.

What? That can't be true. Let's let's take a break. When we come back, we are going to hear number five and then number four in the countdown. So if you're excited, we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang. Lisa gives you 100 nights to try your mattress risk free. And for every 10 they sell, they donate one to a shelter. So go to lisa.com slash bang bang.

L E E S A dot com slash bang bang. Enter promo code bang bang at checkout to get $75 off. Comedy bang bang. We're back. Comedy bang bang. Power wheels. Welcome back. Paul F.

Tompkins here. And we're cracking the top five. I'm Paul F. Tompkins. It's just, I feel like if someone was, someone downloaded this, they fast forwarded to this point. You say Paul F. Tompkins here.

They think you're like broadcast style. Yes. They would misunderstand. I was saying Paul F. Tompkins here and referring to you is located here, but I am not Paul F. Tompkins. Certainly. Nor would I ever pretend to be Scott Ockerman here.

Look, there are certain situations where maybe I would pretend to be Paul F. Tompkins. Let's say you called me up and you were like, Scott, I can't get home. And Janie is expecting me to make love to her. Of course. God. We, would you mind, we keep it very dark in the house. Yes.

It's pitch black in there. Slipping into the side door. Like a cave. Yeah. Slipping the side door. Go under the covers. Yeah. Do what you need to do.

Do what you need to do. Do what I need you to do. And that would be the only, one of the only reasons to pretend to be. See, I feel like you're, you get off on talking about this shit. Yeah. Well, at least I don't get off on doing it. What? Are you accusing me of liking having sex with my wife?

Yes. You dirty pig. Dirty pig. All right. Let's get to, let's get, let's crack the top five. This is your number five. Number five. Okay.

This is. Okay. Okay. This is an episode from June 20th. So who knows what's going on. This is episode 429. 620. An episode called almost mandatory.

And these are two people named Jason Manzuchus been on the show many times. Many times. And of course, Thomas Middleditch. Sure. Now his third appearance on the countdown. Great. Now what are you, now, why are you upset at Thomas Middleditch? You know, it just seems like there was a time when people really enjoyed my work on the

show. And now it just seems like. You've been on, let's count how many times you've been on the countdown. You literally. This year? This year? The one we just played with you. The historic rap.

Great. That's number one. Montreal. Perfect. Number two. Love is thicker than water. Number three. So good.

Number four. Sydney. Number five. Right. Well, the tour ones don't count because well, oh no, because I guess they do because there was one that I wasn't on and then I made it into the best. Scrounging and lounging six. You've been on the countdown six times so far.

Why not seven? Well, maybe you will be. Oh, you think? I think you might be. All right. This is almost mandatory. And this was, yeah, Jason Manzuchus and Thomas Middleditch and Middleditch who we all know from Silicon Valley.

This is the titular Silicon. He is playing an improvising character named Edmund Carlisle, a British fellow. And this is all improvised obviously and never been on the show before. And this is just all off the top of the head. Wait, what? The character had never been on the show before. Never been on the show before, nor since. And this is all just something new.

So for those of you who say don't do so many sequels. You know, all the stuff that you've always done, this is all brand new. There you go. So why don't you take this and choke on it? Seriously. Bitch, Ben. Choke on it, bitch. Little Jesse Pinkman for you.

Choke on it, bitch. Listen. Mr. White. Mr. White. Mr. White. Choke on it, bitch. I felt I had a better grasp on it. You guys and I in the countdown more.

You know, this guy lost it too. Wow, it's very elusive. The Jesse Pinkman, very elusive. Speaking of the elusive Mr. Pinkman, let's hear him not be in this episode. This is your number five. Number five. You're living a life that is so rich. You've got the hobby shop.

You've got your amateur barrister stuff going on. You're here on a case. And then you're also doing reenactments. That must take up all of your time. So any reenactments of future events? How would that be a reenactment? That would just be an enactment. Wouldn't that be a prophecy of some kind?

Now you're starting to think interestingly. Have you ever thought about enacting prophetic scenes from future events? I've never thought about it. What about the book of revelations? If you were to reenact something from the book of revelations, that's a prophecy. I suppose that's true. So it would actually not be a reenactment. To branch out.

I must admit, I don't have all that much more time to bring out more reenactments. Because these three things, the reenactments. And then there's my sex parties. Oh, you also have sex parties? Quite a lot. Did you attend host both? I host. I'm the grand chancellor of the West Cocksburg...

You have these in West Cocksburg? Well-named. West Cocksburg fuck parties. Fuck parties. Wow, so you guys leave nothing to the imagination. You're the grand chancellor of the fuck parties. Yeah. And what do you like to have sex with?

Anything and everything. Really, really, really. And I do mean that. So this is, I'm assuming, because you're having sex with anything. This is an atheist organization. Quite. It is godless and proud. So, in a typical sex party,

what do you normally have sex with? Whom do you have sex with? What do you have sex with? I have a follow-up question, but go ahead. Well, it's hard to say what's typical, really, because each time it's been something different. Of course, the standard guy, girl, trans. But then I've had sex with...

Wait, guy, girl, or trans? Trans or trends? Trams. So that's a three way. Which way? Which one is it? Self or trans? This is a GGT.

It's all of it. And then, of course, I've had sex with a bowl of jello. Of course. I've masturbated on a small patch of carpet. Sure. That would be a terrible sex party, as far as I'm concerned. How many people are attending? There's just four people?

No, there's a whole, it's a whole squad. Is it like an eyes wide shut kind of situation, or is it like a bunch of gross, a bunch of gross slobs on treadmills? I'll tell you, fellows, if you're not, if you're trying to get a list of names out of... No, no, no, no, no. It won't happen.

Well, that's okay. We wouldn't know any of them anyway, unless they're celebrities. Well, describe one of these people you've had sex with. All right, okay. It's got short hair, or he's quite tall. Hosts a podcast. He's got light gray.

He wears a lot of light gray with polka dot shirts. Wait a minute. I'm looking down. Sounds a lot like Scott Arkerman. I went to England last year. I certainly didn't participate in any sex parties. Did you go to any sex parties? No, I did go to one party.

In Coxburg? In Coxburg, and there was a guy, now that I think about it, there was a guy rubbing up against the carpet, but nothing else unusual happened. Hmm. You sure? I don't think so.

I mean... It's all right, if you don't want to say, if you don't want to say, hey, come on, man, you and I... Is that how this connection was made? Because I was wondering how Edmund found himself here. Come on, Edmund. No, we can stick.

You've blown up my spot here. We can stick with the amateur batterist. Let's just talk about the amateur person. I have to talk about how you want to... I'm sorry. Look. I thought it was a special time. Well, I was on vacation with...

Oh, hey, hey, man. Hey. Sorry we didn't know you were here. Oh, no, totally. I just wanted to know what you guys were talking about. I couldn't hear because you were whispering. Oh, nothing. He had a case of mistaken identity,

and I was saying, oh, that's odd that you would have a case of mistaken identity. Okay. We laughed. We laughed about it. Yeah, we had a good chuckle. It was good. Mine was sort of like this.

Mine would have been like... Oh, ho, ho. But we were doing those simultaneously. If you couldn't hear it. Yeah, so it was interesting. Anyway, welcome to the show. Let's get back to that amateur barrister stuff. That's a wealthy mine.

Yes. Wealthy vein. Wealthy vein. A vein? You know, of gold. Of gold, yeah. A veiny cart. This is like a...

Look, do you like varicose veins on your women? I... You know what? If a sturdy woman has some varicose veins, I think that's fine, but get her on the treadmill. Work them off. Sometimes I'll just fuck the varicose veins right off abroad.

You know? Just like bingo, bingo. It's out of it. Just like Back to the Future. They disappear. Yep, just fades out like the picture in Back to the Future. So what are you doing in America other than this case? Oh, yeah.

Are you having anything fun? Well, I'm going to the beach a lot here in Los Angeles, getting some sun. Do you do any fuck partying while you're here in LA? Oh, yes, naturally. I've been to a few. I went to an Alice in Chains fuck party. Is this the band Alice in Chains

or is this someone named Alice in Chains? That's what I was going to ask. Yes. She's quite famous in England. Is she? Alice in Chains. How do you spell her last name? C-H-A-Y-N-Z.

Zed. Okay, you are from England. I was going to say. I was sort of not really buying it for a minute, but then you said Zed. Well, she's a YouTuber. Oh, she is. I love YouTube stars.

Oh, you do? Is that what you look at for fun? Yes. Who's your favorite? Alice in Chains. Alice in Chains, of course. Who is that one who does Dear Fat People? That's so funny.

Oh, it's quiet. I don't know what that is. It's very funny. I like Rodney Positive. I like Teen Gentleman. Jenna Marbles. What about Jenna Marbles? By the way, these could all be real things,

and I would not know. That's the world we live in. Yep. Look, you can't know everything in the world. Rodney Positive? That might be a real person. I imagine it is. I hope it is.

You must assume that it is. When you are here in LA, have you seen any sites? Have you gone to any place interesting? I went to the observatory, the Griffith Observatory. Yes, and I went there and I said, could I borrow the telescope for a minute? Did they let you? Yes.

Oh, okay. And I pointed it down to downtown Los Angeles on one of the buildings. The big giant telescope that they used to look up into Mars and all that? Yes. You pointed that down into Los Angeles? Yes.

Wow. I saw in a building, I saw a young boy getting scolded. Okay. This is interesting. Okay. Okay, so this is- Was this part of your case? I can't say.

Oh, interesting. That's a smart move. Just buy on somebody to use a giant telescope for miles away. So this is downtown? This is somewhere in downtown? Somewhere in downtown. A little boy's getting scolded.

By whom? By whom? By an older woman. An older woman. She was wearing- This sounds like, don't stand so close to me by the police. Young teacher. She was wearing a dress and she had a hair up.

Okay. And you're- Are you an amateur lip reader as well? I am. You are. So what was she saying? She said, don't play with the water heater. Oh, wow.

Stop playing with the water heater. Stop playing with the water heater. What do you think that means? Well, I did see that in the background there was a water heater. Okay. Must have been mucking around with it. Okay. Well, this is interesting.

Oh, wow. So then- Quite. How did she punish him? Well, I just- She wagged her finger and then he held his head down. Not- He didn't hold it down.

But his head was down ashamed. His head was downed at the shame stand. And then she put- They both put the coats on and they walked out. So I think he just sort of had a talking to her and then that was that. And then they went out and had the day together. Okay. Did you follow them out the building and watch them?

The man at the observatory said, that's a time. That's your time. So they let anyone borrow that telescope for- Yeah, don't you know? You just got to ask. Ask. You almost had to ask, by the way. Yeah.

And not us. It's true. It's true. So how long was your time? How long did you have it? It ended up being about 30 seconds. Oh, wow. The first good 10 seconds was finding what I wanted to look for.

Okay, so 10 seconds looking for it, 30 seconds watching it. They've got these big cranks and you've got to, you know- Manually. Yeah, manually crank them around. Right, yeah. So it took a bit for the telescope to get there. Oh, it was 10 seconds you said? Do you want the play-by-play?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind it. It's not that well-documented. It's not that well-documented. Yeah. 10 seconds to get the telescope around. Yeah. Hold on, I've got it in my books. Okay, yeah.

Oh, my God, that is a giant book. Oh, wow, like it's a legend. Have you written out everything you've ever done in your life here? Barrister must always document his actions. See, it is part of the case. Look at this. Right, at 304 and 5 seconds, I had the control of the telescope. Okay.

And 304 and 17 seconds, I found the building I was looking for. And then at 304, 49 seconds, I was told to give up the control of the telescope. Okay, okay. 32 seconds, just watching it. Yes, and then at 305 and 1 second, I saw a small girl take a shit in the corner of the observatory. Whoa. Yes. Another mystery.

I don't want to be on that case. If they hadn't taken that telescope away from you, you would have missed that. Yes. You would have maybe seen the effects of it, smelled the smell. It's true. But I didn't need to see all the poo come out. Right. That is a giant book.

Can I ask you? Do people ever want to do like poo stuff and pee stuff at the fuck parties? It's almost mandatory. Oh, almost? It's an unwritten rule? Almost mandatory. How does that work out? No one's ever not done it.

You haven't had to make a rule. You're not going to make anybody, but it's going to get done. I haven't had to ask. I've said, I have one time, I have to come up to someone said, I noticed you haven't defecated or urinated anywhere. Would you like to maybe join in the fun? Oh, so everybody else was doing it for sure? Yes.

And it turns out, it was a good thing I came up to him because he said, I didn't know if now was the time. I said, of course it is. Look at everyone else. It sounds like a very supportive environment. Oh, it's very positive. Can I ask you this? I wanted to ask this earlier when we were having this conversation.

Does a reenactment ever lead to a period-specific fuck party? It's mainly why we do it. Okay. I was going to say, this dinner party one doesn't sound that interesting. There's no better way to get over the British Civil War than by fucking the people that you've been fighting all day. Then having the round heads and the royalists go at it fuck style. This dinner party one with the little person playing the dog, does he get fucked a lot?

It's mainly why we changed from dog to smally to make it less weird for the people who went into that. Do we have to have sex with it? Yeah. Because you do have to. I've noticed this book, you've written down, I'm sort of flipping through it here, you've written down almost everything that's ever happened to you in your life to the second. Yes, there's a lot there.

This is incredible. I mean, you can basically look back on your entire life and see everything that's made you the person that you are. But it also begs the question, if you're constantly reporting the events of your life, are you living them? I guess it asked that, but I think what's maybe more fun is actually like reading some of this stuff. Go right ahead.

Yeah, go ahead, here we go. Here we go. Have a look. All right, well, I mean, there's a lot. There's a lot. There's a lot here. And remember, all of the dates and times are going to be British. Exactly.

We have our own, we have our own time system. Well, I mean, it's exactly what everyone else's time system is. It's just... We're about seven hours ahead. Seven hours ahead, yeah. So, I don't think I have to necessarily adjust... You have to address that. I have to adjust it in my head?

Just mentally. So, you know... I can just read what's on the paper here. I don't have to adjust in seven hours so that we can relate to it, do we? 3 p.m. will still be 3 p.m. at the time. But just so everyone knows. I will have to say that it is actually more like 8 a.m. where we are. Just make sure people know.

Okay, all right. Because before I was reading times from here in LA and people... That was a given. All right. Right. Well, let me go back to the very beginning. Let me go back to the first page. Sure.

I mean, you... Sure. Oh, my God. This is... How old of a man are you, by the way? I'm... So... It's just the way that British people say 18.

Right. I am 18 years old. Okay. Well, I do not see that coming. Yeah, I've put on a few years in my face. I did not. I was going to say. You conservatively look 37 years old.

Do you put fake gray in your beard, by the way? No, it's just been a real... You know, I may seem like a happy-go-lucky guy. You do. It's just been a while to get here, you know? Yeah. Emotionally speaking. Okay.

Well, let me... You've had a hard life. Well, I think, you know, Scott's going to read something. Yeah, let's... Well, let me... The first entry here is actually September 3rd, 1998. Yes. And we have 4.01 p.m. and 20 seconds, which I guess would be 10.01 p.m. and 20 seconds

for our time to do. Now we know. Now we know. Here in California. Listeners, now we know. And make sure at home, wherever you are, you're adjusting Scott's information for the time that you're in. For the time where you are.

So if you're in Chicago, we're actually talking more like... Boston, or if you're in, I don't know, Australia? Iceland. Iceland, sure, yeah. It's just like other places. Do you think you have any listeners from Iceland? I would imagine, yeah. I mean...

I bet. If you're from Iceland, write in on the forums and, you know... Just let us know. Let us know. If you're from RecuVent. And let me know. I've had a couple of good fuck parties in RecuVent. Really?

Oh, yes. And definitely for sure, if you're from Iceland and you're posting on the boards, include a post from whatever dumb band you're in. Yeah, of course. Because every single person in Iceland is in a band. And there's a lot of strong men there. Oh, really? Ever since...

Strong men. Meaning professionally strong? Yes, because they had quite a famous one called Magnus for Magnuson. Oh, yeah. It was quite a bit strong. A bit strong. Didn't he win the strongest man in the world competition? Many times.

Yeah. And so now there's a big culture of these... Strong men who think just because I'm from Iceland, I can be a strong man too? Were there the closest language and culture to real Vikings? Oh, okay. So it's a bit scary. I did it. I went to an improv festival once and there was a team from Iceland.

Awesome nerd. I know. Total nerd. You think this guy's a nerd? Says the re-creator of 8th century dinner parties. That's a wave. That's a wave. All right, let me read this.

At least my little party's ending. Yeah, that's true. I don't think any of your improv festivals are ending and everyone having sex or anyone having sex. That's not true, but I will say the team from Iceland, like to me, appeared to be like a team of Vikings. They were hard drinking, loud partying, just rowdy. I really enjoyed them.

They were very funny. And there was like 16 of them. All right, let me read this. September 3rd, 401 p.m. in 20 seconds. I am born. Yeah. Just one sentence. I am born.

Yeah. Wow, that was your birthday. Yeah, I came out very well ahead in terms of reading and writing. Right, right. Wow. That's amazing. You're going to turn 19 in a couple months. Yeah.

Okay, wow. So did you write this the minute you got out there? You just wrote I am born. Be a barrister at this young age is almost impossible. Is that why you're an amateur? Yes, I'm studying for my barristers exam, my exams. So being an amateur barrister is on your way to being a barrister. It is not like a consolation prize for not getting to be a barrister.

Yes, there are ranks. Yep. There's neophytes, amateur, there's journeymen. Is there a professional? Do you ever get to go pro? There's master and grandmaster. Okay, wow. There's no professional really.

I'm still paid even as an amateur, but it's just my ranking. Okay, I see. I get this, I think. Let me flip through the book. I wrote that with my embryonic fluid. You did. Oh, wow. As you can see, it sort of looks...

Let me taste it here. I'll have to. That's all salty. That's very strange. Very strange. What a strange... Yeah, why would that be your... I hope there's nothing else in the book that one could taste.

Oh, there's quite a lot. Let me flip ahead to... Let's look at one of the more recent ones. Okay, this is all the way at the end of the book. This is June 17th, 2016. Oh, wow. This is just a couple of days ago. 6.31 a.m., which, okay, what would that be?

Wait, ostensibly you were here in California, though. Yes. Okay, so it's 6.31 a.m. here as well. Yes. Should we adjust it for England, though? Yep. It's just in case. Okay.

Just for our listeners in the UK. So that'd be 1.31, I would imagine. Okay. It's 11. 6 plus 7. No, that's 1.31. I believe it's 1.31, yeah. Okay, yeah.

I was never good at math. You're a dumb shit. He's 18 years old. Oh, that's true. When do you learn math? Later. 19. Yeah, no, in England you learn math at 37 years old.

Okay. This appears to be an strange fluid. It's all written in fluids? Yeah. Well, I mean, everything is, I think. I mean, other than graphite, I guess, when it's a pencil. Well, is that not just the fluid of the pencil? Is graphite not just pencil ejaculate?

I mean, if you handle it correctly, you know. If you handle anything correctly, you can make it come. It can be. I've always said that. Why have you been stroking my finger this entire interview, by the way? You'll see. Okay, well, we'll see. This is written in like a dark fluid.

Yes. And it just says, I am the God of death. I have enacted everything that I hope to enact here in the States. I have enacted my revenge. They are dead. They are all dead. Oh, yeah. I was talking, that's, okay.

That's my, that's written in my sheets. And I'm referring to it. Again, salty. I'm referring to the turds that I put out my butthole. So they're all dead because I flushed them and they're gone. You flushed them, but then what are you writing it in? So before you flushed it, you took a little scoop. Now, do you put the little scoop on your finger or do you like have like some sort of writing

implement that you use to like scoop it up? I normally do. For the bathroom, I didn't bring it with me. Because I think that's disgusting. Of course. Bringing a writing implement into the bathroom with you? I don't, I try not to do a lot of writing while I'm on the toilet. Sure.

But they were, Dave, I finally got them out. I finally flushed them out. Finally, how long did that, how long did that take? Those little turds were in there for about 10 years. What? 10 years. 10 years. Did you age test them?

I just know that I'll, you know. You just know when you haven't had a couple rattling around in there. You haven't had a movement about 10 years. Now why? Number five. All right. Number five. How about it?

How about it? Character? It wasn't on the show before. Now he's on it. Never will be again. Who knows? Maybe he will. Who knows?

You know, 2017 may be the year of Edmund Carlisle. No. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we will crack the top four. That's right. Your episode number four. When we come back with Comedy Bang Bang.

Hello, I'm Chris Gethard. And here with me is dream analysis expert, Gary Richardson. And we are here to give you a taste of a brand new podcast called In Your Dreams, presented exclusively by the fine folks at Casper. We listen to the wildest, weirdest dreams that made it to us by you, our listeners. And we do our best to figure out just what those dreams could possibly mean. And look over the side of my phone set and there are QB Lewis in the news. You're saying this person might have interests in style and fashion specifically.

You can tell that from that voicemail. 99% certainty. Plus we'll be joined by some very special guests. The word mortality comes to mind. Mortality? Blood. Blood-tality. Subscribe to In Your Dreams right now on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thanks for listening. Good night. Comedy Bang Bang! Paul if Tompkins is here. I'm me. Across from me and... I love you. Boy, this is exciting.

The number four episode of the year. Are you excited? Getting down there, man. We should say this is number four. Number four. That's right. Number four coming up. We're in the home stretch.

We literally are. I mean, we'll really be in the home stretch on our next episode. Is it stretch or stretch? You thought it was home stretch? I thought it was more in the home stretch. Can I... There's a band that sings We Are Family. Who do you think they are?

Sly and the Family Stedge? Sister... Sister stretch? Oh, Sister Stedge. Damn, if you had known who sang that. Would have been good. I forgot. I forgot.

Why did I think it was Sly and the Family Stedge? The difference between Sly and the Family Stone and Sister Sledge is so razor thin. You know what I mean? The daylight wouldn't pass between them. All right. This is your episode number four. This is from May 2. And you know what happens at the end of April, beginning of May?

We go on tour. We did. Yeah. But before we did, we recorded this episode. This is the seventh anniversary episode. Oh, my stars and garters. As Hank McCoy, the beast would say in comic books. You were on this episode.

So are you happy now? Yeah. That's all it takes, Scott. Not really that hard to figure out. Jason Manzuchus. Oh, he's been all over this. Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah, I don't like that at all.

Horatio Sands. That's great. Sure, okay. Neil Campbell. This is his first appearance on the top 10. He's a funny guy. He should be on more. And he's in number four.

And we have Mike Hanford and Tim Baltz. Very funny. And Drew Tarver. Both of those guys from Bajillion. Bajillion cast members. My Bajillion friends. Very funny. That's right.

Work friends. This is, of course, we have Mike Hanford is playing John Lennon. Neil Campbell is playing the time keeper. You do your Tom Lennon on the phone impression. And Horatio is playing Shelly Driftwood, who is... Who even knows how to describe it. Someone amorphous character. But I enjoy him.

Absolutely. Gives a lot of directions. That's his one... That's his one thing. His one specific thing. A lot of directions. Let's hear it. This is your number four.

Number four. Did you like Elvis? I loved him. Yeah. Yeah, he taught me to dance. Did he? Right. Let's see a little.

Okay. Wow. Not bad. It's weird because Elvis was mostly known for his lower body dancing. And all of that was upper body dancing. He's like a reverse river dance. Yeah. Lower body.

Very still. No shoulders. Lots of shoulders. Yeah. And I apologize for the shoes on my feet. No, don't you... It makes sense to me. No need to apologize.

Now it makes sense. Now it makes sense. You probably thought I was a kook. I did, honestly. I thought for a moment that you might just be like a lunatic who'd wandered in here. No, I'm not. Shoes on his hands. But now I see you just doing dance moves.

The only way I know how, really. Is that why you're shoeless for that particular look with your white suit? Yep. For the dancing. Right. Because I'll walk across with my shoes in my hand. They said, you can't do that. When I said, well, I'm suddenly not putting them on my feet.

Where you would expect... You know that Abbey Road cover? You know where you're walking across the street? Now Paul's shoeless on that. That's meant to indicate that he's dead. It's one of the symbols. Was Paul dead like he was dead that afternoon? He was and he came back to life just like you did.

Is that where you first learned that people could do that? That's when I got the idea. I said, if I ever died, which I never thought I would. I did. You did, yeah. You did. You saw to that, right? Right quick.

Yeah. What do you think about that guy? Oh, you know, everyone... I can't blame him for being a bad aim. Wait, who was he? He was aiming for Yoko? I think he was at a target practice. That's what I always thought.

Outside your hotel? No, no, he was coming for you. For me? Yeah, yeah. I never met him. You know what was really interesting is James Taylor on Howard Stern this year said that he saw Hinkley outside the Dakota like two days prior. Really?

Like, and Hinkley said something to him or something like that. There was like, he was like around. What did he say? Like, hey, I'm going to kill John Lennon in two days? In two days. Be here or be square. Hey, if I was to kill, let's say someone wanted to shoot John Lennon. What's a good time to be here?

And James Taylor was like, oh, probably at a clock, man. Great James Taylor. Oh, phone's ringing. Uh-oh. Hello. Hey there. Hey, is this Tom again? Did you just do a James Taylor project?

I certainly did. Yeah. Hippy James Taylor. Not good. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Are you rich? I'm rich. Oh, that's a way to get him off the phone. Wow. He loves to say it. He does. Still just waiting for little Garrett to make an appearance.

Hey, John. Keep forgetting to ask. John, I have a question. Do you watch TV at all? When I can, you know, if it's at a hotel room, I'm saying. Okay. That's the only time because you don't have one on the RV. No.

So are you in hotels a lot? If the RV is broken down. Sure. I'll have to. Well, usually when it all kind of comes to shit right before I go into the, uh, try to jump over the Grand Canyon, the breaks usually go. Hold on a second. Don't you still live at the Dakota?

I thought you said you still lived at the Dakota. I live at the Dakota. You don't have a TV there. No. So the only way you see a TV is if the RV breaks down and you have to stay at some hotel. I cross the country, you know, three times a month. Sure. Right.

Why is that? By the way, just so you can jump the Grand Canyon? Well, sometimes I'm coming out to see you. Yeah, that's true. Sometimes I'm just taking a drive that, yeah, you popped in the right podcast or album, you can drive all day. Oh, are you big podcast fan? Just this one.

Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. Got it. And are you ever visiting Ringo? Is that why you do some of these trips? He's always so busy and he can never do anything. Now what's Ringo doing?

He's, oh, I'm so still mad at him. Yeah. He has your guitar. I got my guitar and I want it back because I want to make that country album. The Whistling Pete album. That's right. I was hoping the fact that you're here, you could debut some of the new Whistling Pete songs.

No, not going to happen. Okay. Well, you mentioned that you write songs for people on the street. Not going to happen. Right. But I will say this. Yeah. I came up with an idea that I don't need the guitar if I do a rap.

Oh. Well, hey, let's start the, this is the free, is it a freestyle or? I don't, you know, I haven't thought of it yet. Okay. Here we go. You haven't thought of it yet. Very definition of a freestyle. Here we go.

Oh, you know, hey, I'm John Lennon. How do you do? I just bought a brand new tennis shoe. Uh-oh. If you like tennis, you know how to find me on the court. Blimey. Blimey. What about you?

Don't help him. No, I need help. You know, rap is very foreign to me. Oh. That was about two rhymes? That's pretty good for your first time. Yeah, that was pretty good. Yeah.

I think that might be the first rap track where the rapper says, rap is foreign to me. They don't like to admit most rap I haven't heard. They're usually pretty boastful about how good they are at it. You don't have many people being that modest and saying, I don't know what I'm doing. But do any rappers really know what they're doing? The honesty of it is really refreshing. I think a lot of people will like that. Songs in general should start with that.

Yeah, it's very foreign to me. I don't know what I'm doing here, but I'm going to give it my best. Unless you're a classical pianist, that's it. Last time we saw you, you refuted time or you rejected time? That's true indeed. Renounced. Renounced. That's exactly what I wanted to say and yet didn't.

What's up with that? Oh, well. What's up with that? Yeah. That was an interlating interview question. I believe there was a post-credits tag where something happened as well. Yes, yes. And more shall be told in the future, a wonderful time period.

Sure. But for now, I'll just say that all is well in the world of time. Oh, okay. Interesting. Good news. So will this episode be a- But darkness looms on the horizon! Oh, no!

I was hoping that wasn't the case. I didn't see that coming. This is some Game of Thrones shit. Wow. So are you saying time is coming? The time has come for time to come! Oh, wait a minute. Ejaculate?

Time has come for time to come. Are you time? Are you the coming time? I'm merely an observer and participant. Like Uwatu the Watcher. Yes. Maxwell, can I ask- Forbidden to interfere.

Speaking of Prince. Except when he does in every comic book he appears in. Speaking of Prince, by the way, what's your favorite band? Morris Day. When Winnie went solo? Yes. That's ironic. That's not what I would have figured.

But I can't help it. He rocks! Oh, he's doing a disco dance. Undeniable. That's my biggest point. Take it everywhere. Undeniable. Well, thank you so much for being part of the Seven Years.

Seven Years is a wonderful amount of time. It is indeed. It is indeed. Farewell. No way! No way! Don't you stay! You're going to fade away there.

Swipped his cloak around himself? You're all the way here on the couch. By the way, this is a different cloak. Describe this cloak. Is this a celebratory cloak? This cloak has a red stripe to represent a certain battle I fought through recently. With Stripe from the Gremlins? Yes.

Stripe from the Gryllins confronted me. Said, I'll turn back of a clock in town. I said, Thee shall not Stripe! Oh, wow. And thoughts of battle ensued. Did this take place after the events of Gremlins 2, the new batch? It is true indeed.

Yes, it took place in the modern era. Really? But weeks ago? But weeks ago. So strikes? Weeks are seven days, Scott. And seven is the number of the day. Wait. Wait.

You have a number of the day? Seven is today's number of the day? That's right. Ding, ding, ding. Seven. You said the number of the day. What happened? Do we win something?

Is there a prize? What is this? Seven hugs. Oh, wow. All right, wait. Seven a piece or seven? Seven a piece. Seven that you're giving out.

Seven a piece. Teach. Teach. Okay. You've taught me so much, Scott. I could use you on my rap album. Now it's an album. Oh, my.

Wow. Oh, wait, an album. I want to just say, John Lennon, far be it from me to criticize, but your rapping was terrible. It was not good enough. Are you sure you should commit to an album? I'm not sure. But what I would do is write it down. That was on the spot.

That's the hardest thing you can do in the rap game. Do you think rappers rap on the spot a lot? Oh, I hope not, because we're paying hard money to the album. Yeah, it's like working on it a little bit. It's like going to an improv show, just write a funny show. Right, it's like those podcasts. Yeah, like an improv podcast. Just write a funny podcast.

Hey, I would like to hear you rap though, Maxwell. Don't make us suffer through your meandering with friends. Meandering with friends. That's good. It's my favorite podcast. I would like to hear you rap. Do you want to rap? Here we go.

Go ahead. Should there be a very topic? How about the topic of time? Oh, I wouldn't have thought that. Time. It's on my side. And so is my lovely bride. Or at least I wish she would stand there.

But she's away. She's not here. Okay, she don't exist. I wish she didn't. Then I would miss her. When she is gone away. I wouldn't cry like I do each day. Time.

Time is when I'm alone. Oh, no. Song break. Staring at the phone. He's doing his own hook. He's like Drake. Times when I'm alone. Then I go.

Look at the clock and I cheer right up. I am happiest when I look at the pop. I like clocks. Hours in minutes. One through twelve. Those are the numbers in it. I like to count the clock from one, two, three, six, five and rock.

And roll is not this song. This one's a rap. And it's gone too long. Alright, wow. That was fantastic. It should have been brief. You didn't even have to apologize for your rapping at the end. I haven't yet.

But I probably should. It's hard to be told innovations in rap. You do pranks. What are some of your pranks that you do? I pissed in my best friend's mom's face when she was over for Thanksgiving. Did she ask for it? Oh, no.

It was not funny until now. What was the setup? What was the setup of that prank? Like tragedy plus time. Yeah, I was like I'm gonna piss in your mom's face. And then he chased me up the stairs. I knocked his teeth out with my elbow. Yeah, a prank.

Knocked about four of his teeth out. He fell back and then I started pissing on his mother. And then his brother and his dad tackled me and punched my face so bad that I looked like a sack of potatoes. Were you a guest at his house? Oh, yeah, I was. It was Thanksgiving.

I was emotional for Thanksgiving because I don't have a wife or family. That's shocking. Was that during the portion where you were saying what you had been thankful for? That would have been a great time to spring it. Yeah, that's a great prank. Oh, you know what I was thankful for?

Oh, it's a piss in your mom's face. I did. I just pulled out my fucking... my pastry dough just went to town on her face. Pastry dough? Your penis does resemble unrizen pastry dough. You know what it looks like?

It looks like a roll of grams. Pillsbury grams. Unpeeled spiral package. It looks like a frozen croissant that has been left out on the counter to defrost. Okay. That's too far.

Personal. God, give you an itch, Jase. Did you say itch? Give you an itch. A seven-year itch. It takes the whole goddamn leg. My gosh. Number four.

Oh, right. Number four. A good number. Worthy number. It's in the top five numbers. Let's count them down. Number five. Number four.

Number three. Two. Number one. We forgot number two. Which would be number one? Even we got confused. We got confused during that bid. All right, we need to wrap it up.

We talked about Mr. Microphone. That was my one goal for this episode. Peaked early. What's going on with Steph Curry? What's going on with the game that you're watching? Anything happening? No. What do you mean?

It's not happening anymore? They called it off due to rain? Are they still making fun of his shoes? I had to watch it. We've been here for the entire day. I'm not even saying don't watch it, Cody. I'm saying don't turn it on in the middle. Don't turn the sound on in the middle of a recording.

First thing, check the sound level. Is this going to make noise if I turn this on? That's all. It's like a Russian stream or something. Say no more. Is Steph Curry playing in Russia right now? No. Wait, do you think he's behind the DNC hacks?

Oh my God. Steph Curry is our man? Steph Curry is influencing our elections via Russia. He's mad because everyone made fun of his shoes. We've got to end it there. We'll be back on Thursday with our top three episodes and our number one live episode and perhaps something else.

Perhaps. Bonus! That's right. We'll be back on Thursday. We'll see you then. Thanks. Bye. This has been an Ear Wolf production, executive produced by Scott Ockerman and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit EarWolf.com.

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