Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2017 Pt. 1 - Nagada: A Star Wars Story

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

This Christmas Scott and Paul F. Tompkins give you the gift of the Comedy Bang! Bang! Best of Countdown! Join them as they countdown numbers sixteen through thirteen of the Best CBB episodes of 2017 as voted by YOU listeners. Plus, Scott and PFT sing a very special Christmas song!

Pop the bubbly and play the boobly, the holiday season is upon us, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. That's right, the holiday season is upon us. Thank you so much to Gizzy Snizzy, oh boy, for that catchphrase submission. An audible groan from our guest who had the mic down by his belly button. Did you think that your mouth was down there? I thought what if you could hear I was hungry? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, a very sp- uh, yes that's right, that's your personal welcome to our guest, and now welcome to all of the listeners who make up the grand sum of the people listening to this show. The grand sum, welcome.

The grandson of the people listening to this show. Thank you for making up the grandson, one of my favorite stories. What if people fucked during this episode and then their kid fucked and then a grandson was born? Like within the span of the episode? Sure, why not? That seems unreasonable. Look, it may be a lot to expect, but come on, listeners. We'll never know if you don't try.

That's right. Please give us a grandson. We've been waiting. Hold on, I want a grandson. I don't want to die before I have a grandson from this show. I don't want to die during a grandson happy. I don't want to die, I'm going to go in there. I want to live forever. I want to live. Light up the sky, like a flame. To life, to life.

L'chaim. Oh, also Hanukkah. Also Hanukkah. That's a holiday. Also Hanukkah. By the way, and we'll introduce you in a second and myself, is Hanukkah still going on at this point? I admit that not ever having celebrated it. Do you mean in 2017?

No, I mean today is of course Christmas day. Is Hanukkah still... Is the festival of lights in the midst of it? It's eight crazy nights, right? It's eight crazy nights. So I believe it might be over by now, right? It might be. Engineer Cody Ryan, could you look up what day Hanukkah begins and ends 2017?

That would be a bummer if Hanukkah were over by Christmas and everyone's celebrating Christmas and then you're like, well, I don't get to celebrate anything today. Isn't it nice though? Isn't it nice? That's not even a song. Isn't it nice? Oh yes, it is. Send in the clowns.

Send in the clowns. Are we a pair? Are you an au pair? Isn't it rich, right? Yeah, but so what? Isn't it cool? I wonder if isn't it nice, isn't a lyric in it. Also, Engineer Cody Ryan, look up, isn't it nice and send in the clowns?

Just isn't it nice? Lyrics. Wait, do you have it? Yes. So here's what I'm saying. You have your Hanukkah celebration is in the clear of Christmas, no overlap so it's more special. No overlap.

No overlap. Then you're still going to die off. Is that one of the new Star Wars characters, no overlap? Lord no overlap. Lord no overlap. Did you read that article? The Popeye wrote? Did you read that?

About spinach. But then, you know, the nutritional properties. That's all he ever writes about. Oh my god, yet another subject, Popeye. Ryan, what do you have? Another article about, when's Hanukkah beginning in? Boy, I see you fiddling with those levels. Hanukkah this year is Tuesday, December 12th to Wednesday, December 20th.

So it's over. It's over. Hope you all had a great Hanukkah. Hope you had a great Hanukkah. I hope the one good gift was really good and I hope the seven practical gifts were useful. Were very useful. I'm assuming underwear. That's what I would get every year.

Socks. Underwear and socks. Mom, dad, buy me the underwear and socks during the year. You're saying you give that every year for Hanukkah? Yes, that's the one Hanukkah gift I would get, even though I didn't celebrate it. Basically, I think they were trying to say change your underwear once in a while. We used to get pajamas every year. Really, that's very nice.

My ex-girlfriend Coolop got me pajamas this year. Matching pajamas between me, her, and our dog, Georgia. What kind of pajamas? What did they look like? I didn't look at them. I kind of went and gave her a little nod and then went about my business. Okay. That's just customary in our house.

Have you been visited by those ghosts yet? I hope to. I have been visited by those UFOs we've seen up in the sky. That's right. Three UFOs that teach you the true meaning of space. And then we look at them and say, wait, how's it moving like that? That's not like a normal jet fighter, the three o'clock. What I was going to ask is, did you read that article about the two characters in the recent

Star Wars films named after Beastie Boys songs? No, I did not. Apparently, JGL, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, is in the new Star Wars film. Apparently, everyone has a cameo in this. Remember when they used to just be populated with classy British actors or whatever? Every jerk who is friends with the director gets to be in this. It's also robbing extras of the coolest thing they would ever do. Oh, instead, Justin Thoreau gets to be in this.

Oh, great. That was him. I knew it. Yeah. So JGL is playing the voice of the kind of fish-like character who complains about the ship that landed, which sicks the police on, oh boy, the spoiler territory, by the way. These are not important plot points. But he plays a character in-

He plays a whiny fishman. He plays a whiny fishman. And instead of having that be his name, whiny fishman, he's called Slow and Low. Slow and Low, which is named after a Beastie Boys song, which the previous film apparently has a Beastie Boys named character of the same race. Are they races or are they alien? When you said different alien, do you call it a race? I do.

Yo, is this racist? Anyway, I find that sneaking Beastie Boy illusions into Star Wars, like, you know what, Scott, I don't mind it. I think it's fun. Do you? You know what I mean? I think it's fun. Where do you draw the line?

Like, you know, M&M references? Yeah, that's exactly where I draw the line. Okay, that would be exactly right. I don't want any aliens. They stand. What if, in the new Star Wars, there was just an alien named Stan? And another alien named The Moment. Here's Han Solo.

Here's Chewbacca. Hey, Stan. Get over here. Barca, Chewbacca, Chewbacca. That's Stan. You should be in these Star Wars films. Scott, that's what I'm saying. You know what I mean?

I could have been in there for some, what, Edgar Wright's in there? He's not even an actor. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig is in there. And it doesn't mean anything because he's wearing a helmet. That's right. Just stick someone else in there. I can't believe they had Bill Cosby in the latest film.

Bill Cosby is in the land. And it's like, haven't we, in Hollywood, turned our backs on NBA? Exactly. This is the way out of the Star Wars? He gets to be in Star Wars? He's playing a stormtrooper. He comes in and says, you'll see, Captain Phasma. Phasma.

We got chocolate cake for breakfast for these prisoners coming up. Four slices. Shom, shom, shom, shom, shom. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. The, uh, very special, by the way, this is episode one, not like Star Wars episode one, The Phantom Menace. That's right. This is episode one of the best of 2017, episode one.

We are doing four episodes comprising the best of 2017. Should we give these episodes subtitles? I suppose we should, much like a Phantom Menace. Yes. Uh, okay. Now, should they be Star Wars themed or should they just be subtitled, uh, just whatever we think? I think just whatever we think.

Okay. So do we decide on these now or do we decide on them at the end? I think we decide on them now because it could be aspirational. We can live up to it. Scott, you read my mind. Okay. And should we do these, uh, together at the same time or should we come up with it one word at a time?

Do you mean like a countdown three, two, one, and then we blurred out what we think is subtitled? Yeah. Forgive me. Don't you know it? Uh, program you're on, my dear boy. Um, the callbacks to the early episodes are the best. By the way, we have not, and in this climate, we have not sung Jeremy Piven in a long time. It's very true.

Uh, you know. It's very true. That, by the way, for recent listeners of the show, that came about in the early 100 episodes, I believe, when Paul, in character, I believe said, does he sing Jeremy Piven? Zach Galifianakis. Zach Galifianakis said it. Does he sing Jeremy Piven? Does he sing Jeremy Piven?

What does Jeremy Piven mean? Does Jeremy Piven sing? Yeah. Because we had mentioned him singing something. That's right. And then you and I said, does he sing Jeremy Piven? Yeah. And then we started to sing Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven to you.

Which now, though, we can we sing Jeremy Piven anymore? What's so funny is, of all the, of all the sexual abuse allegations that have come out, Jeremy Pivens was like just a blip. They were like, yeah, yeah, we get it, yeah, okay, lock him up. I figured. Yeah. Lock him up. I saw entourage.

Yeah. I get it. Yeah. I just assumed. When are all the other entourageers going down? Exactly. Do you think, do you think Turtle is innocent? Turtle seems like a nice guy.

Of all those guys. Turtle seems like a nice, the nicer fellow, although who knows? I mean, Turtle maybe seems like Justin Actor, who got put into this thing. Who's Justin Actor? Justin Actor? Yeah. Does he sing Justin Actor? What a great name.

Justin Actor. I'm Justin Actor. Hi, I'm auditioning for the new Star Wars. I'm auditioning for the new Star Wars. I'm waiting for the role of Stan. Rishabhoko Haka. Oh my God, that was amazing. We normally don't do this in the room, but you've got the part.

Can I? Hmm. You can't do it. I was going to request one more. No, we don't. Okay. But if you want to do one more, I would love it. I mean, you're Justin Actor.

Okay. Let me do one more. I'm Justin Actor. Reaching for the part of the snap. Grisha Mova. Oh, no. I've lost it. Okay.

Do I still have the part? And this is why we don't do it in the room. We really need to sleep on this. Unfortunately. Okay. Justin. Sorry. Let me put on the mask.

Yeah, please. Go ahead. Okay. That is just a George W. Bush mask. That's right. Is that? I don't know why. George W. Bush is canonically not part of the Star Wars universe.

He was in Game of Thrones. That's true. You got me there. Remember? So can I? Yeah. Go ahead. Hit us.

Justin Actor. Grisha Mova. Now it just sounds like George W. Bush. You're doing an actual impression. I know. How about a George H.W. Bush? Can you do one of those? Grisha Fadafaviv.

Are you going to do it? Nagada. What if the character's name was Nagada? Nagada. Perfect. Why don't they do that? Nagada. Who references old SNL sketches.

Yes. Dana Carvey gets to be in it. Nagada. Lousy House pet. Shopping broccoli. That's a perfect Star Wars name. Dana, you know, he's back with Secret Life of Pets. He could be in a Star Wars film.

I would love it. If he had Wayne's World hair. I like that him being in Secret Life of Pets is his entree into being in Star Wars. Why not? Hey, he's proven that he's working. He's still a working viable commodity. At this point, why not? By the way, my name is Scott Ackerman.

I'm the host of the show. Oh, by the way. And we're doing the best ofs where this year we're counting down the top 16 episodes of 2017. Is 16 the most episodes you've done a countdown for? I don't know. That's an interesting question. I was looking up a lot of stats last night, but you really are.

Boy, I never realized how interesting Paul was. Fascinating person. By the way, speaking of interesting, this is, if you've never listened to the show before, this is the show where we talk to interesting people and I believe our countdown will really prove that to be true. Because a lot of interesting people have passed through these halls and have won. A lot of boring people, too. Yeah.

I mean, honestly, we're doing a top 16 out of what? 60 episodes? Yeah. That's only like a quarter of them. The rest are horrible. Here's what people should know. If these episodes that we're going to count down clearly the best episodes. Clearly.

The other ones? Don't bother. Not worth your time. Nagada. Nagada. A Star Wars story. By the way, this is episode one. Nagada.

A Star Wars story. There it is. There it is. There it is. Wump there it is. Or that's not bad either. Episode one. Wump there it is.

How about episode one? Wump let the dogs out. Wump let the dogs out. Let history be the judge. Episode one. Wump let the dogs out. Let history be the judge. Let history be the judge.

Great. A Star Wars story. A Star Wars story. By the way, did you see, oh yes, you went to the premiere of the new Star Wars. Oh, did I? Yes, I suppose I did. Yeah, Paul F. Tompkins is a famous actor and comedian and internet personality. That's short.

Podcast host. Yes. Raconteur. He was in the Raconteurs. That's right. And playing Jack White. Jack White was too busy. He had too many projects going on.

That's right. So Paul was like, let me grow a crazy mustache. Hey. That's what I'm assuming. That's what you have. I know. That's just my regular mustache. Did you always want to grow a mustache?

Yeah, I did. Really? Ever since you were a little kid? Yeah. I, mustaches were common when I was a little kid and I thought they were very cool. As common as the Grammys won by the Rapper Common? That's a, that's a Bang Bang television show. Line, I have to admit.

Did it make it to air? It did make it to air. Sorry viewers. Sorry. Sorry. And then, but as I was growing, as I was, you know, able to grow facial hair, it was not a common thing. When you were able to.

Yes. Yes. No one had mustaches anymore. It was being by the ladies, the ladies. That's right by the ladies. Hey ladies. Hey ladies. What about that for a Beastie Boys reference in Star Wars?

Right. Hey ladies. This is, this is Admiral Halladys. That's actually not bad. A rep who I've picked out. Ladies in the place, we're calling out to you. They fit that line of dial. Admiral Halladys in the place, we're calling out to you.

As you can see, the plans for the test are after max. You sound really, you should be in one of these films. I'm telling you. You went to the premiere at everything where you like tried out some of these lines on Ryan Thompson. Yeah. During the movie. People were mad.

I bet. Yeah. Um, so you wanted to. Daisy Ridley pinched my leg really hard to make me stop. Really? Like we were in church. Sexual harassment. Well, she didn't demean it in a sexual way.

Oh, okay. Still, there's a power dynamic there. She's the star of the movie. Now, you know, my fondness for her. And I walked past her at one point and I was very excited because I had to. We talked about this on a previous best of you felt proud for her. Yes. Yes.

I love that character. You love the character. I, you know, uh, I was watching. I watched the first one the night before I watched the night before. First of all. How was it? He was a lot of, a lot of disgusting toes. I have to admit.

More than 10 or? No, about 10. Right about 10. Yeah. Right on the money, I believe. Um, no, I watched the first one the night before and, uh, then I, uh, that I watched this new one and, uh, yeah, boy, that's, it's such a, how amazing. I remember when I was young, Star Wars was something all the little boys liked and I

dressed up like Luke Skywalker. I dressed up like Han Solo. Uh, and, uh, for Halloween and, uh, then that is our personalities right there. Not for Halloween. Oh really? I just did it. You're sort of dressed up like Han Solo right now. I just got a white shirt and a vest.

Yeah. I, I, my mom made me a costume, made me a Han Solo vest and I wore, I think, a white turtleneck. Ah. Um. Why? You wanted to cover up the old Adam's apple or? Yeah.

Is that the only white garment you had? I wouldn't be able to think I was a woman pretending to be a man. So. It was a whole victory. Very progressive. It was a victory of Victoria. Right. So, um, I, and I had a, like a plastic, um, it's like a Caesar Romero mustache.

Joker thing. Yeah. Exactly. And I had a, um, I had a, uh, Ray Gunn, you know, um, Ronnie Ray Gunn will Nancy and I remember. What? He's debitating the other guy. He told George HW, George HW Bush was, that's where he got it from.

Do you think Reagan thought that impression was hilarious? Like when he saw Dana Carvey, obviously, obviously, well, he had nothing else to do. Yeah. He's retired. He's losing his mind. Well, flip on the old boob tube. Anyway, so what musical guest. So I was trick or treating as Han Solo and I remember a lady asking me who I was supposed

to be. And I said, who are you? Vest guy. I said Han Solo and she said, well, where's Gretel? Ah, what a dumb old lady, a stupid old lady and you still remember her now. I hope she's dead. I could see her mind in my, oh, dead and I hope her children are dead and I hope their children are dead.

Guess what they are? Oh, I took care of it. Oh, I never forget and I never forgive. Kill shot straight to the head. Um, and I'm to blame. So but what I was going to say is when I was when I was young, it seemed like exclusively little boys like Star Wars. Do you remember any little girls like in Star Wars?

And that's not me. I don't. It's not me trying to say like you could only like Star Wars as a boy, but it just seemed like it was kind of a guy thing, presumably in the seventies of where like guys like Star Wars. But here's what I would say. Please don't. I think that too late.

I said it. Okay. It's on the record. I think that like all kids were, must have been captivated by it, but because your, your friends are probably little boys. Right. And so maybe that's maybe you're talking about it with them. I, it just, it, I never, but I had friends who were little girls.

That sounds weird. Um, I, no, I just don't recall ever hearing like any of my fellow female classmates ever getting excited and saying like, let's talk about Star Wars or whatever. And, and mainly what I'm trying to say is it, I don't know that there were any characters that they could be excited about portraying on Halloween or there were some friends. Female character. Yeah. The whole thing.

Yeah. I guess, you know, the one interesting thing about Princess Leia and the first one and certainly is her hairstyle where you could kind of go, oh, that would be cool. Star Wars is popular. I could do my hair in those cinnamon buns. Okay. Yeah. I'll do that for Halloween.

But it's not like she ever did any, I mean, she had, well, she had a gun. I don't know. She kissed Luke for luck. She hugged Chewbacca. She hugged Chewbacca. After the Death Star was blown up. My point is, and this is all coming out like I'm a terrible person probably to people who were like, huh, I was seven when Star Wars came out and I loved it.

But I just, I really enjoy seeing Daisy Ridley up there on the screen because she's like doing these amazing lightsaber battles and she's jumping around. She's fantastic. She's awesome. She's fantastic in it. And it, when I went to Disneyland last year, there were so many girls dressed as her. She went to Disneyland dressed as her because there's Star Wars land and you know, you get to meet the Stormtroopers and all that.

And I had just never seen that growing up. It was very much like, wow, this is awesome. And then I also, in watching the new Star Wars film, I watched it with my ex-girlfriend, my current wife, Coolop. And the former comedy bang bang actress, Kelly Marie Tran, plays, what does she play? Chip? What is her name? Chip.

Chocolate Chip. What is it? She plays Chocolate Chip. I don't remember her character's name. Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros.

Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros.

Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros. Bros. That's a great subtitle for the next Star Wars. It's Bros. Yeah.

Bros. Bros. Bros. A Star Wars story. Episode two. Episode two. But there were so many great Asian characters in it and Kelly Marie Tran, which by the way, is a new story about Kelly Marie Tran and it's one of her only credits was Comedy Bang

Bang before getting Star Wars. Right. And I've told this story to you, but we really liked her on Star Wars. No, we really liked her. No one did. We liked her on Comedy Bang Bang. She was in the Brody South Dakota episode. And we really liked her, so we asked her back to be in a different role and her agent was

like, oh, sorry, she's in England doing a movie. And Neil Campbell laughed and said, ha, it's probably the new Star Wars film. And we laughed like, ha, that would be funny. Can you imagine? Nothing. She was untalented enough. There's no way. But just like how weird that would be if we, if like doing, you know, out of anything

you could do in England, doing the new Star Wars film would be like a one in a million shot. Well, it's also even, even us being in show business and living here, that is still, this is the thing we grew up with. It's impossible. It's impossible to get into. It's impossible to get into. No.

It's like those things that meant a lot to you as a child and it's like when the first person that I knew who became like an SNL cast member, you know, or these things that just seem out of reach to you of like, that'll never happen to anyone I know. But it was crazy when it was announced that she was going to be in the new Star Wars. But my point being that my current wife, Kulop, is an Asian person and I saw her getting into Rose and her sister's story and being touched by it in a way that I think that maybe she hadn't even been in Star Wars, you know, when you read those, the stories about Rogue One and the people who, how I believe Diego Luna is at his name, how he has an accent

and people with accents were thrilled by that. And anyway, so it's a wonderful time to be a Star Wars fan, I think, unless you're a jerk on the internet. Did you enjoy the movie? I did. Yeah. I thought it was very weird. I thought it was so much fun.

But I don't want to spoil any of it. I think it's an oddly written movie. But I did enjoy it. And speaking of really enjoying it, apparently with the Comedy Bang Bang podcast, people really enjoyed this year because this is the most competitive year. Is it really? It has ever been. Most votes?

Most votes, we had close to 40,000 votes, which is... That's insane. It is insane. Why are 40,000 people doing this? I don't understand. Have I introduced you yet, though? No. Aha.

You felt it, right? I did. There was some unfinished business. There was a disturbance in the force. This is where we get the votes. Across From Me is a person who has been on the show quite often, and he is always joining me here for these End of the Year episodes as himself. He usually portrays several different characters on the show, but on these End of the Year

best ofs, he is himself, and it is my pleasure to be across the aisle from him. Once again, please welcome Paul F. Tompkins. Tisha Maka Frothalakaban. You've got to be in one of these films. You've got to be in one of these films. You're amazing. There's hardly any left. Well, I mean, out of the main ones, don't you think after nine, they're going to be

like, hey, guess what? 10, 11, 12, coming up. Oh, well, not... I don't... I don't know. I think they will. I mean, they can. Maybe, I don't know, like George Lucas with, I mean...

I don't think so, right? I mean, if they want to remain true to the idea that George Lucas lied about and said was his idea all along, that was a nine-part. He did lie about it, by the way. That's no way that he... I remember, in fact, that when pressed on those details, and we're talking a lot about Star Wars on this episode, but when pressed on those details, I remember the original trilogy, one, two, and three, was supposed to be exclusively about R2-D2 and C3PO.

Yes. Well, I don't remember... It was going to be, like, hundreds of years beforehand. I don't remember that it was supposed to be about them, but that they were the... I remember the idea... I remember those were the only characters that were going to be in all of them. In all of them, yes. And that just was thrown out the window.

It was like, I'm really interested in how Darth Vader became evil. Oh, really? I'm interested in the grain policies. Oh, boy. What if that were the episodes 10, 11, 12? They get back to the grain... Let's get back to these grain policies. I bet they do do...

There's a character. Admiral Doodoo. Eventually, isn't it just going to get to, like, bleep blop and fleet flip? I don't think it'll ever get to fleet flip. I think it will get to bleep blop, but I don't think it'll ever get as far as fleet flip. I just had a hot tea string in my mouth and could not answer with any degree of quickness. Hello. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Paul of Tompkins is my name. Paul of Tompkins is here, and we're going to be counting down the top 16. I don't know whether that is the most we've ever done, but what's interesting is in 2015... No, sorry, 2016, we counted down the top 15. And now in 2017, we're counting down the top 16. At what point will we catch up? Well, at this rate, never. That's true.

I doubt we'll be doing 18 episodes next year. If past is prologue, then there's just no way. There's absolutely no way we'll ever do it. So at this point, we'll never catch up. We may as well not try. But this year, we're counting down the top 16, and this is very exciting. 16 episodes to choose from. And now, Paul, it should be said that you were in a lot of episodes this year.

I actually counted them up. You were in 11 episodes out of our 60 or so. And you do not know what episodes made the countdown. These are always a surprise when I reveal them. Always a surprise. Sometimes hurtful. Last year may have been especially hurtful to you. Didn't like it last year.

Right. Didn't like it. You were in a few of the episodes that... A few. But you were not in the top episode. No. You did not claim the top spots. That was Kid Detectives 2, I believe.

Not a fan. I get it. I get why people like it. But it's just so easy. So you have no idea if you were even in any of these episodes. I have no idea. And you know what? My expectations have been lowered.

They have been lowered. Because of last year. Good. Good. So now we can just have fun this year. And whatever... Maybe I'm in one. Sure.

No. I'll still be mad. So this is not a pleasant experience for you to undergo. Is that right? No. No. I mean, it's not totally unpleasant. There's pleasant parts to it.

Okay. Like when we... When I forget why we're here. And we're just goofing. It's fun. Goofing around. Well, let's get back to goofing then. Let's not talk about the countdown yet.

Tell me about your 20... Is this... It's 2017. Yes. Tell me about your 2017. How was it this year? What a year. It simultaneously went on forever and also flew by at a breakneck pace.

Doesn't it seem like... It just seems like no time has elapsed. And yet it's been excruciating. Yeah. It flew by, but yet I felt every second of every minute of every hour. It's crazy. Of this year. Yeah.

Yeah. This has been a very odd year. Yeah. I think for me, not a lot has been going on in terms of professionally I've been doing the podcast, obviously. And then we released, at the beginning of the year, I was doing the Michael Bolton special for Netflix, which is still on. People can watch it for Christmas.

It has Santa in it. There you go. That's right. Michael Bolton's big sexy Valentine's Day. And we released that in February. And then I've been working on a lot of stuff behind the scenes that has not come out. BTS. And so it's felt like I haven't had much of anything going on career-wise, even though

there's been a lot happening behind the scenes, as I said. But then personally, I believe just the state of the world has been, every day it seems like you wake up to new news of political policies that are oppressive to your friends. And it's, but more than that, it seems like we're living in, they say it is a curse to live in interesting times. That's right. It's a Chinese curse. Those Chinese.

Man, they knew how to do it. They sure did. Remember those gypsy curses that were just like thinner? Yeah. But then the Chinese, they knew how to do it. That's because the thinner, you had to touch somebody. Right. Yeah.

You had to like stroke their face. That was a big part of that movie, Thinner. She's just like casually, inner my dear boy. But the Chinese curse, you could do it. You could do it over email. Yeah. Hey. Re, Colin.

Yeah. Cursed. May you live in interesting times. You could text somebody. You are. Cursed. May you live in interesting times. But as in the United States here, if you live here, but I know we have plenty of fans

out there in. Norway. The Canada. The Germany. The Germany, the Australia. But in the U.S. here, it's almost like we've been in this soap opera of, you know, you and I were probably too young to really clock Watergate as it was happening. Yes.

Didn't really understand what was going on. I remember it sort of hearing about it like people would talk about it, I go, yeah, right. You knew it was maybe a scandal, but then didn't really know exactly what it was about until maybe high school or something like that. This feels like we're in the mid, like I don't, I feel like Aerosmith, I don't want to miss a thing. Every day I'm just like fascinated by what's going on because, you know, it could be the destruction of the very idea of the presidency.

And much like Aerosmith, I feel like I'm honking on Bobo. Great point. Great point. And I'm glad we got to it. So, but how about you, Paul, for this year? How about me? Personally been... Personally, a wonderful year.

My wonderful wife and I have a very nice life and I got to see a lot of friends. I stayed home more than I usually do. I didn't travel as much. That's right. Last year we were out gallivanting across the globe. That's right. And this year we did not do a tour. Homebodies.

Just right. Pure homebodies. Yeah. And it was nice. Hang out with people and see people and it was richly rewarded by that tactic. I did get to work on some unusual thing that did an episode of NBC's Blind Spot. That's right. It was just on a couple of weeks ago.

That's right. And my sister-in-law texted me very excited about it. Oh, that's very nice to hear. I did an episode of Black-ish. I did that show Life in Pieces that our friend Colin Hanks. That's right. Yeah, that's a great show. All characters were...

Characters welcome. People said all characters were welcome. But on every show people were like, oh, we got to bring this character back. And it's like, that won't happen. Any time I've guessed it on a show, they've said that. It's never happened. I told you about Brooklyn Nine-Nine where we did Coolop and I as well as Eugene Cordero. We all did the season finale of season four.

And I caught up with Dengore in the break in between seasons and he was like, we've been breaking story here in the writer's room. There is literally no way we can do the season premiere without bringing your characters back. We have not been able to figure out a way to not have you guys back. It's not a promise, but I mean, literally, we have to have you back. Last I ever heard from it. The best was I appeared on the Sarah Silverman program every once in a while as a policeman

J. Johnston's partner. And every time I would be there, Harris Whittles would say would tell me about all the ideas they had for my character and that none of which ever happened. Right. How many episodes of that did you do? Oh, not that many. Maybe four. Maybe not even four.

Really? I did. I played two different characters on it. One of my few friends who's put me on their show. Good old Sarah. Her show, I love you, America, is out there right now, a little bit of a plug for her. It's out there. It's just like the truth.

Look out your window. What if that was the way that you had to watch TV? You had to look out your window? Yeah, like everyone, for some reason, people were, when the TV was first invented, people were like, let's put these things outside. But you stay inside. Yeah, you stay inside and you have to look out the window. Can you go outside to watch it?

It's just not customary. It's just not what people do. It's not traditional. The very first person who put up a TV was like, this is going to look great in the yard. I feel like it would be difficult because of all the natural light around that. It'd be difficult to see the picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You also would probably be tempted to look at the beauty of nature rather than...

Well, that's the thing. You're thinking, well, I should be out there frolicking around. Sometimes when I get home, and I come home after a long day, I plop down on the couch, I turn on the TV. Sometimes I'll look just slightly to my left and see nature's wonder, and we have a wonderful view. You do. And I'll be like, why aren't I looking at that?

Well, you know, we have a missing wall in our home. So a lot of times... Have you ever found it, by the way? No. A lot of times, I can't remember if the house is like that when we got it. Yeah, I think it was there when you bought it because I remember. I feel like we wouldn't have bought the house if it had a missing wall. Yeah.

No, I remember going over there and going, I love that wall. So you remember seeing it? Yeah, I remember seeing the wall. Yeah, and then the last time I was there, I was like, what happened to that wall? Yeah, the wall's gone. And so I'll be watching TV, and sometimes, you know, like a stray dog will come into the house. And I think, I should be out there with that dog running around.

Right, yeah. I certainly shouldn't be in here with him. He's terrifying. He's covered in grease, and he's snarling at me. Why is he covered in grease? He's been sleeping under cars and stuff. Hanging out with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. I'm covered in grease.

You can just tell he's been watching grease a lot. Yep, just covered in it. All right, so this is what this is. We, Paul and I are going to talk, we're going to chat, we're going to countdown. Have fun. We're going to have fun. We're going to talk about the best of 2017. Oh, food is churning.

Sorry, Paul. I'm remembering why we're here. Can I bring the mood back? What would bring the mood back if you could? I guess hearing a funny clip. Hearing a funny clip? Okay, well, why don't we get to it? Let's get to, by the way, these are all voted on by you, the listeners, 40,000 votes.

And the eligibility period is Thanksgiving of 2016 to Thanksgiving of 2017. That gives us a little time to compile the clips and tally up the votes. Exactly. Your top 16, let's get to episode 16. Number one, six. All right, episode 16, and you would be interested in hearing a funny clip. Is that correct, Paul? Yeah, I like that.

I like funny clips. All right, well, this episode is, the one that kicks off our countdown is definitely a funny clip. Countdown kickoff. Yes, we got a countdown KO. This is episode 474, and this is from March 6, and this is an episode called Liquid Mealspheres. This sounds familiar to me. It should sound familiar to you, Paul, because Paul, you are in this episode.

Oh! Is that the Lion King? What is that? No, it's like a soccer. Oh, is that a soccer thing? I've never watched the game. I don't even know how it's played. It's like a soccer chant.

How do you play that game? I would imagine you pick up the ball and you throw it around. When do you pick up the ball in soccer? I'm trying to think. I know there's a hands thing. I think it's like, you have to, there's like a thing you have to say in order to be allowed to pick it up with your hands. Like, handsy!

Yep. And then the character of handsy shows up. Hey, I'm handsy. Hits a jukebox. Yeah, grabs your ass. Hits a jukebox, which then magically, your ass is grabbed, like Franzi. That's right. All right.

This is episode 474, the 16th episode on our countdown, Liquid Mealspheres, and this episode has Gilly and Jacobs, I was going to say, speaking of sorry, this episode has Gilly. She comes on, but once a year lately. That's true. As a matter of fact, I tried to text her about a party I was having about a month ago and never received a text back, and I believe it bounced back. I think she's changed all of her information. Oh dear.

I don't know what's going on. So we'll have to find that out before Love. She is the one of the stars of Love on Netflix, and we all remember her from Burt Wonderstone and Community, and she has been coming on to promote Love every year, around the same time every year. This year, she came with the other star and co-creator of Love, Paul Rust. Prust. Prust, as we call him.

And Paul was on here, and I don't recall whether this is the regular Comedy Bang Bang debut of this character. You debuted this character in Portland, I believe, in a live episode, but I don't remember if this is the first time you were on the regular show, but this is Big Chunky Bubbles. Paul is playing Big Chunky Bubbles. Now tell us about Big Chunky Bubbles. Big Chunky Bubbles is a children's entertainer. He makes bubbles.

He's a bubble artist, and he makes bubbles. But with soap, right? Not out of soap. Out of soap. What? Out of the soups. I'm shaking my very core. Out of soups and stews.

Out of soups and stews. He makes big, chunky bubbles. Right, and he's not a successful children's entertainer in the least. No, he's not. Well, his act is terrible and a little dangerous. And he's a very unpleasant person. Because I believe this may be the first time he's ever been on the countdown. Describe how you came up with this character.

We were on tour in Portland. By the way, it should be said that if you're listening to Comedy Bang Bang for the first time, and this may be Merry Christmas, this may be some people just got iPods or iPads and are trying to figure out what a podcast is, and we were, by the way, very blessed to have been one of the most downloaded podcasts on iTunes this year. Congratulations. Maybe you're looking at popular podcasts, and the show's format is I'm the host, Scott Ockerman, and we have guests on the program.

Some of them are real people, some of them are celebrities, and some of them are comedians playing fake people, and that's normally what Paul does. Paul comes on as a fake person, and this is one of your characters that you're playing. Yes, and this is a character that I made up when we were in Portland. On that tour, we were doing, you know, a city a day for almost a month, and so, you know, we were doing established characters, all of us that were doing characters, and then after a while. You and Lauren.

Lauren Lapkus was also on the tour, and you were both tracking not only your own characters and what you would do in each city, and you, Paul, had been tracking it from the two previous tours as well. Yes. Because you don't like to repeat a character. I try to repeat as little as possible. Because if someone, say, in Chicago has come to see Comedy Bang Bang, and they love a certain character that you do, and you haven't done it, you hope to, at some point, hit that

character for them. Well, if they're in another city, and we've been there before, and they say, well, I saw these guys live once before, and he did the exact same character. He did the exact same character. Yeah. That's something you want. I would like to mix it up, yes. Right.

So you had a Google Doc where we were keeping track of what characters we were going to do, and we discussed it every day, because we wanted to make sure that there would be at least, like, an old favorite, yeah. Because between the two of you, you would sometimes want to try new characters or characters that weren't as established, but you wanted to make sure that the other person was playing a favorite. Yeah. And then towards the end, we didn't care anymore.

Right. But in Portland, which was towards the end. The Paul F. Tompkins story. Towards the end, I didn't care anymore. That's every project you've ever done. That's a Star Wars story. We were at a restaurant, and it was the, me, you, Lauren, and Tim Baltz was there. Yes.

Tim Baltz came. Yes. Tim Baltz came on towards the end of the tour for the last few dates as we were running out of steam and needed some fresh energy. And he really helped. He really helped a lot. He did. And so we were at a restaurant, and I was, I didn't know what to do.

I was really, you know, felt like, oh, I feel like I've done everything so many times. We had two shows that night as well. And this was the most tired we ever were. Yes. I remember being on stage in the second Portland show, and this is one, by the way, that Lauren had to, oh, turn that phone off. What do you say? Thank you.

This was one that Lauren had to leave in the middle of the show because she had an audition the next day in California that she had to get up at four in the morning to fly back to California and then fly back to Seattle to meet us back on the tour. So I remember being on stage on that second Portland episode. And was that the one that you were doing, Andrew Lloyd Webber on or something and literally falling asleep? Me too. I've never been in that state.

No, it was crazy. It was crazy. Like, any time I wasn't talking, I would start to nod off. I would start to nod off and all. Yeah, I've never. And I think we talked about this when we did commentary on the best of, on the tour, that you and I, without talking about it, that second show, we were trying to, like, just create energy.

So we were, like, running around and stuff. We were trying to role play and, like, I think we were like, let's reenact when you get knighted. And that'll get us on our feet and try to get some adrenaline going. So we were, it was the, it was, we only had a couple of days left on a long, long tour. We've been away a long time and you were looking for things to do when we were at this restaurant and what happened? There was a description in the menu of something.

It must have been a super, is it? It must have been. You know, I mean, it couldn't have been a charred meat that would have, like, And it was described as having big, chunky bubbles. Which is not appetizing. No. And the phrase really leapt out at me. By the way, I wish we could remember this restaurant so they could put up a plaque or

something as the, the genesis of this character. Absolutely. I remember you saying big, chunky bubbles and I forget if it was your idea or our idea, but we said that should be a character that you do tonight and we dared you to do that as a character. Yeah. And you had to come up with this character out of whole cloth and it became a huge hit. It was, that first time was so much fun.

It was a really unpleasant character and a lot of weird stuff came out because I didn't have that much planned for it. So in the course of the, the interview portion, we learned a lot about him. Now we set up a lot of your characters, by the way, are very antagonistic towards me. That's true. Mainly because that's a fun dynamic to play on stage and a lot of these have been born out of on stage things and it's, it's not fun on stage for two people to agree. You know what I mean?

It's true. But I have to say that big, chunky bubbles really takes the cake and unpleasantness towards me. He's the most unpleasant. He's the most unpleasant. I think by the end of a tour where we were doing this once or twice a night, all of your characters being so mean to me started to really wear on me. I started actually getting insulted by the end.

Well, now here's the thing. A lot of the characters don't start out unpleasant to you, but they become very frustrated with you. That's right. And because of what I'm doing, I'm doing it intentionally. So I have only myself to blame. Big chunky bubbles, however, comes pre unpleasant. He really does.

Out of the box. He's unpleasant. Some of this episode, we're going to start off first with Paul Russ doing a little bit of his signature comedy, bang, bang segment, which he has done throughout the years on the show. It's always wonderful to have him back doing this, a little something that he calls new no-nose, which is based on Bill Maher's new rules. Oh, yes.

And then we're going to then segue into big chunky bubbles coming onto the scene. This is Liquid Meal Spheres. This is your episode 16. Number one, six. Well, look, it's safe to say there are things that I don't know how else to say this, but they irk you. Irk? How about cheese off?

Oh, OK. OK. How about rattle? OK. How about miffed? Oh, boy. Hey, is there anything you want to say retroactively? Like start the clock.

OK. Keep that clock going. The clock has started and it shall continue. So what are we doing here? What is this? New no-nose. Oh, shit. All right.

Let's see if you remember how to do these. Guys, sit. Sit down. You don't even get to stand. You know, they don't even know what to do at home. New no-nose are, everybody's got those things that sticks in their crop. Yeah. I set up rules, new rules.

Wait, but they're not. I do some new rules. No, no, no. They're not new rules, though. I call them new no-nose, but they are new rules. Oh, no, no, no, no. Where I, it's my idea of, hey, if I ran the world, Scott. Yeah.

And God save us if you did. Yeah. Oh, boy. What a weird world that would be, right? Yeah, from the twisted mind of Paul Rust comes Planet Earth. I've already felt like I've been living in the twisted mind of Danny DeVito, you know, watching movies like Throw Mama from the Train. Love it.

Wait, so this is something women like? Women love Throw Mama. Don't Throw Mama. Throw Mama? Is it Don't Throw Mama? Throw. Throw Mama. They want to throw Mama from the Train.

But then they don't later on. Spoiler alert. Throw, or my mom will jump off the train. So new no-nose. We don't have a cousin Louie. There's a cousin Louie. So this is something, you're making fun of him for imitating Gandhi in UHF. And you're imitating?

I didn't make fun. Debatable. Debatable. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Debatable. Mm-mm. All right.

Back to the new no-nose. Start the clock. Restart that clock. Two. Five. No, no. You guys had to deal with quicksand. Everywhere I go, there's a pile of quicksand.

Look out. There's some quicksand. I'm sorry. Last time I checked, that sound wasn't. That sound. Sand. That sand. That sand wasn't quick.

It moves very slow. You get sucked down at a slow pace. How about quicksand is fast sand so you die quicker? No, no, no. Fast sand. Okay. No, no, no. Bricks.

Mm. This is hot. People always complaining. Why's a brick gotta be square? Why's it gotta be a little wrecked in the shape of a rectangle? Okay, close, sir. Well, for all of those whiners and complainers, I got an idea. Bricks that are circles.

No, no, no. Circle bricks. Is this just an idea for a product? No, no, no. Okay. Is anybody else headed up to here with fire hydrants? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Every corner I turn, every street I'm on, I gotta go look at a fire hydrant. And guess who only gets to use them? Firemen, right? Yeah. Well, I got a little idea. I got a little notion. I got a little hair up my tiny little asshole. I think in addition to firemen using fire hydrants, firemen's kids should.

No, no, no. The kids run the hydrants now. I like that one. So, big chunky bubbles, what are you up to now? I mean, obviously, I haven't seen you in a few months. Yeah. Have you been out there entertaining the children? Or you're always an innovator.

You always have things going on. It's been a really fallow period for old big chunky bubbles. Yeah. I haven't had any gigs. Kids not having birthdays in these months? They seem to be having birthdays, but I don't seem to be hired to entertain them. What's your website like? What's your online presence?

Do you have a landing page? I do have a landing page thanks to Squarespace. Sure. I didn't even know what it was or what it did, but it came for free. And I was like, all right, good. Free with the service. So, yeah, what's it like though? Is your phone number there?

Is there a way to contact you? I mean, I tried to do something artistic with it. And so my website, my official homepage, is basically a treasure map to the information. That's the treasure at the end of the trail. Okay. And how do people solve it? Stroke that treasure. How do you keep saying stroke?

Because treasure trail. I just thought of dicks. I don't know. Are you constantly thinking of dicks? Not always, but sometimes. So how do you solve the treasure map? There's a list of three dozen instructions. Oh boy.

That's way too much. I advise people to print it up. People don't want to print up a website in order to solve a riddle. Well, then they don't want to contact me. Well, they don't, and you were seeing what's happening. No. Your business is just lying fallow. I'm an artist, and I try to make everything I do artistic.

Well, something shouldn't be artistic. Something should be simple, right? What? Name one thing that shouldn't be artistic. Sometimes soup. Sometimes the most simple of soups. A broth. What do we think of broths?

It's like the precursor to a soup. Boom. Okay. It's like what a soup could be, but you have to put a bunch of stuff. It's just, you know, water. Basically, it's chicken flavored water or whatever. At what point does something become a soup from a broth? When you put one thing in it?

Like a stone. Yeah, anything. Like if you put some chicken in it, is it then, is it a soup? If you put one piece of chicken, is it a chicken soup? No. It needs multiple pieces of chicken. That's a garnish if it's just one piece of chicken. Okay.

So two pieces of chicken. Minimum five. You know your soups. I have to admit. I have to admit. My soups are inside and out. Wait, I'm having an idea here. Uh-oh.

When I was a child, someone hired a clown for my classmate's birthday party. Oh, how original. But hear me out. At the end of the party, he revealed to the birthday girl's grandmother that he was also a stripper. So I was thinking maybe you could, yeah, this is a true story. Hold on. Uh-oh. In front of the children, you revealed this?

I heard it. And how did this come up? Do you say, oh, BTW. I also could end the day by stripping right now if you were to pay me extra. Granny. Yes. Okay. Did we call her Granny?

Did she take him up on it or? That. You don't know. I don't know. Mm-hmm. I went home. Okay. I kind of thought that he was going to end up stripping at the same party.

That's extra. He was going to be instantly engaged in his second capacity. I met that guy before. That clown once. Really? Yeah. And I was like, how do you figure it out? Like, you got to do two different things.

It seems like it's complicated. There must be a lot of paperwork. Mm-hmm. And he said, no, it's very easy. I just go, you want the bozo or the blow Joe? He would be the one receiving the blow Joe. So not a lot of paperwork then. Zero.

So, but Gilly, why were you, why did you bring this up? Well, I think that you should really expand your notions of your operation here. Well, for your information, miss, I'm not only a bubble artist. That is my primary art. It's true. But at the end of every party, I let any grandmothers know. By the way, I also can sculpt things out of meat. Sculpt out of meat.

Yeah. That's great. I'm not trying to stand in the way of your meat sculptures. Good, because you can. I would simply suggest that in addition to offering soup bubbles at parties, you have a clown there. He could really. Wait, you want to find this clown who's a stripper?

Is that what I'm getting at? Yes. You're just looking for this clown that's a stripper that excited you so much when you were a kid. Yes. You've been searching for this clown ever since. Been thinking about it nonstop. Okay, look.

No, I want to hear about that. Nonstop. I want to hear about the meat sculptures. You make meat sculptures. I take the biggest hunk of meat I can find. How big are these hunks of meat that you're usually finding? Like a rack of ribs or what are you doing? No, like a side of beef.

A full side of beef. If I can get my hands on one, sure, but it's expensive. Right, so you're bringing these. You're not saying, hey, what meat do you have around the house? Well, they don't always want the meat sculpture, so it'd be foolish for me to bring my own meat there every time. Right, okay. So I usually ask, if you happen to have a side of beef, I'd be happy to make a sculpture

for you. And what kind of thing can you make out of a side of beef? You ever seen the Eiffel Tower? I have. Let me see. I went to Paris. I stayed right there in the middle of Paris. Scott, I'm sorry.

Forget it. Forget it? Paris. Oh, Paris. Great. Was that a play on the famous movie everyone knows? You're on fire, Paul. Everyone's favorite Billy Crystal Deborah Winger movie?

I really wondered what it would look like if it was. I thought we'll always have Paris. That's just the saying. All right. Eiffel Tower. You saw the Eiffel Tower? I did see the, I'm remembering now I saw the Eiffel Tower. It was an Eiffel.

Is there a gas leak in here? I don't know what's going on right now. I'm so happy. Like a virus. It's spread to Gilean. So look, so you make the Eiffel Tower. Yes. Okay.

You might be reset everything I ever say. All you said was you ever heard of it. We go up down this Laffy Taffy Road and then you come back to me and you're like, what are you all about again? That's the whole show. Every time? Yes. Who would listen to this?

What if you had a dog that also made bubbles, but they were fart bubbles getting back to my earlier point. Are you looking for ideas? Is that what this is? He doesn't have any work. Is this like Shark Tank? We're supposed to be pitching you things? Why are you mad at me?

I thought that you came in here wanting to talk about something. I did. And then this one keeps telling me first she's going to be my competition. Then she's pitching me ideas. I got to involve all these other people and animals. Do you have a pet, by the way? I used to have a dog. Oh, what happened?

Can you take a guess? Died? Yeah. Wait, but from soup? Yeah. Oh, no. Dogs love meat soups. They love it.

Yeah. They love nothing more than meat. It gets them crazy. And they love, they love, they love, they love some vegetables too sometimes. Yeah, sometimes. I mean, some dogs just eat anything you put in front of them. Yeah. And so what happened?

Well, I was practicing a new bubble. Oh, the bubbles are in shapes of things that exist already or just in strange oblong shapes that look cool. There's only so many shapes you can make a bubble go into. Well, you could do like a Mickey Mouse where it's like, ooh, one big bubble and then two bubbles on top of it. Yeah, I've done it. Yeah.

Right, right. Do you get sued by the Walt Disney Corporation if you do a Mickey Mouse soup bubble? They've tried. But I say, here's the thing. I always say, oh, it's just a coincidence. That wasn't supposed to look like that. It's their fault for making Mickey look like something. That's right.

Yeah, I say, how come nature's not suing you for Mickey Mouse looking like three bubbles together? But no mouse looks like Mickey Mouse so nature can't sue Walt Disney Corporation. Exactly, and that's why they don't probably. So you're making a new bubble and it exploded on your... It looked like a cat head. Oh, no. I made as close as I could two triangular bubbles on top of a spherical bubble. Wow.

My little dog just chased after it. Damocles. He went crazy for it. Damocles. He landed right in the vat of soup. Oh, no. It was terrible. It smelled delicious.

You didn't eat the soup after that. Of course not. Okay. He never eats soup, Scott. Okay. Then two reasons not to. I don't like soup and also my dog was in there. Number one, six.

Oh, boy. What an epi. What? What an epi. What an epi. What an epi, Penn. Did someone say epi? Oh, my gosh.

It's classic Jarls. Yeah. I thought I heard the name of the sword being mentioned. Oh, my God. We hardly ever get to see you anymore, Jarls. You came on about a month ago for the new listeners. Jarls has been wandering the hallways here for years. I can't find my way out.

And he can't find his way out and he just comes. That's what I said. And he has a very small throat. That's right. The opening to my throat is very small. So it takes a lot of effort to push words out. Is your throat big but the opening is small? My throat's regular size.

Regular size. Yeah. You've measured it and it's all. I measure it every day to see if it gets bigger or smaller. Right. But it stayed the same. Stay the same. And eventually at some point are you not going to be able to breathe anymore?

Probably not. Or are you just turning blue? I'll just turn blue. That's what you'll know. That's it for old Jarls. And do you want us to like have a spare ballpoint pen at the ready so we can stab you in the throat or something? To try to clear the airway? Like from Mash?

Yeah, sure. That one episode where Father Mulcahy has to do the tracheotomy. Why did he do it? He was out in, I don't know. Seems like a Hawkeye thing to me. They weren't together. It was just Father Mulcahy and this wounded soldier. Do you remember when Hawkeye before he joined the Avengers he was on Mash?

Yeah. Anyway, Jarls, what are you doing here today? I'm going to get out of here. Oh, okay. It's so good to see you. That's the sound of a door slamming. Wow. It sure is.

You were stunned speechless by that, Paul. I couldn't buy. I've never seen such a person. He comes by every once in a while. I think we've seen him six times or so. What was the last time you were here? I've never seen him. I feel like he was here when Sarah Silverman was on a few weeks back.

Yes, yes, yes. That's right. I gave her a chance to check her phone. Which she then did quite frequently throughout the episode. Although she was into it, it's just some people you got to check your phone. There's a lot of business. Some people you got to check your phone. No, honestly, we're so grateful to have anyone who decides to come on this show.

A lot of people say like, hey, why don't you have this person on more? Or why did you do this episode without this person or what have you? The way the show is booked, it's very difficult to book because it's an hour and a half of someone's time. Sarah Silverman, she's in the middle of production on her show. I love you, America. She had to check emails because you can't be out of commission for that long. There's people saying like, what do you think of these drapes for the set? Exactly.

What do you think of this couch cushion? Any episode that you listen to is just merely because those were the people who were available. They're all like 10th choice. Look, we have to take a break. That was a fun, funny bit of business. You liked it. Big chunky bubbles. Always great.

Gillian, a wonderful addition to the Bang Bang universe. Think about her making, it's going to be soon, her final appearance on the show. That's right because it will be the final episode of Love and we will never have her back. We'll never see her again. She's retiring after that, right? From us, I think. Okay, good. All right, look, let's take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have episode 15 and we will have the debut, the Comedy Bang Bang debut of a very popular character, so that's very interesting. So we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Podswag. The holiday season is in full swing and Podswag has the perfect gifts for any of the podcast lovers in your life, from mugs and posters to stickers and teas. Right now we have the Calvin's Twins tee, the Timekeeper tee, or you can get the Is That a Shirt shirt? There's also a CBB t-shirt of the Month Club going on next year that you can sign up for.

Head on over to Podswag.com slash Bang Bang to see for yourself. That's Podswag.com slash Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Best of 2017, part one. What was our sub title? Nagada. Nagada. Let history be the judge. A Star Wars story.

I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi. And well, that's pretty good. So in the top 16, you're in one episode. That's pretty good. Wait. Are you calling it right now? You're not in any more of those.

Is that true? No, of course that's not true. I don't know. Honestly, you don't know. That is very true. You were in 11 episodes. You know you're in one, at least. How many out of the top 16 of your 11 do you think that you...

No, come on. How many? Let's... Just take a shot. No, come on. Just take a guess. It's embarrassing no matter what. Just take a guess. Two.

It's more than two. We're not going to do prices right though. Nagada. Nagada, nagada. Let's get to the next episode on our countdown and this is episode 15. Number one, five. All right, episode 15. This is interestingly enough.

The last episode, Liquid Mealspheres was from March 6th. This is from the 6th of the previous month. Just four weeks earlier, February 6th. This is Quiz Knows What Quiz Did episode 469. Up top. Do you still get to do 69 jokes when there's a 469? I don't think so. No, really.

It just has to be 69 proper. God damn it. It seems unfair. I know. I know. That's why people... Well, because then it was like 690. You know what I mean?

I mean, honestly. It opens up. It's not pure. Then you'd have 690, 691, 692. All the 69 jokes that could be made. Yeah. By the way, how did that ever become the greatest sex joke of all time? I mean, it's pleasurable, but it's more trouble than it's worth.

It's pleasurable, certainly. We've all done it a bunch. What was the last time? This is a serious question. What was the last time you did 69 jokes? Oh, it's been a long time. Been a long time. Been a long time.

Been a long time. Been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. 6169. All right. This is Quiz Knows What Quiz Did. Let me run down your participants on this episode. This is John Hodgman. John Hodgman.

Jay Ho. Is that what his friends call him? Yeah. Sure. And that's what the public can call him, if you can catch him on the streets. And if you do, if you do, you get his gold. John Hodgman made the first of two appearances that he made on this program in a calendar year.

That's the most he's ever done in a year, right? I believe so, yeah. Usually we get him once every other year or something, but he, I don't even know why he was here in the beginning of the year. The second episode he was on, he was promoting his new book. I bet he was first promoting his tour. Oh, possibly, yes. Where he's performing what would become the book.

Right. Now he is, in my opinion, of the guests who are themselves, just celebrity guests who play along. He is the quintessential good comedy bang bang guest, I think. Interesting. He plays along very well. He adds to the fun a lot. He is very funny himself and can set up others to be funny.

Always a pleasure to have him on the show. And this one, by the way, this was, I've been tracking the voting. I believe voting was up for maybe a month or so. Oh, I've been tracking Santa. Oh, really? On your Santa tracker? He's very close. He was supposed to come last night.

Oh, shit. Did he forget? Did you, when you were opening presents this morning, was anything there? Maybe this thing is broken. Oh, shit. You got to fix your Santa tracker, bro. This says he's over China. Oh, wait.

Did he text you a curse from China? Let me see here. What do you say? Oh, Santa. Oh, Santa. Why would he do it? You rap scallion. Is it rap scallion or scallion?

Rap scallion. Rap scallion. So the scallions are a part of this. Yeah. Why are scallions in an insult? They're the only vegetable that can rap. What was one of their famous raps? Well, my name is Onionan.

I'm here to say it's fun to rap in a scallion way. That's right. Yes, that's right. Okay. So John Hodgman is on this show. We also have Zeke Nicholson. Zeke Nicholson is playing Dr. Green. Now, Dr. Green is a character who is a medical doctor out on the Venice Boardwalk.

Whom everyone thinks must be a weed seller because of his name and because he's from Jamaica. Yeah. He insists that he is not. He insists he is not. He's just a regular, he's a psychiatrist. But he's very frustrated by the situation. And this is the debut of Carl Tartt as chief. Oh, wow.

This episode is the debut of chief. And this was a very late, I've been tracking the voting, as I said, and this got a late surge of voting. I think a lot of people in the last two weeks were voting for this episode. They were reminded how good it was and they shot up. And frankly, it caused some of the ones at the bottom of our countdown to go down, never to be heard from again. Oh, damn.

We can talk about that. You took them off the feed, right? Yeah. No one will ever listen to these. So we're going to hear the debut of this character. Zeke and Carl have been superstars for the show this year. Why are you doing it right next to the mic? What are you talking about?

You're doing this intentionally to fuck with me. I'm doing it. Why would you say that? I don't like it. Zeke and Carl, great guys. Great guys. They're wonderful improvisers from the UCB Theater here in Los Angeles. They're on a improv team called White Women.

And they're great guys. And they did the show a lot this year, including our live show that we just did, the Peacast Blast. That was so much fun. They were really fun to do it with. And this is the first episode. Carl just kind of came in with this idea. He was like, oh, I'm going to play chief from the Carmen San Diego show.

I didn't really know what it was. But it has captured America's hearts and imaginations. So let's hear it. This is your episode 15. Well, we have to get to our next guest. She is a business woman. And I'm always interested in talking to business. I wonder if it's a small business woman or a large business.

I'm always interested when someone has the gumption to start thing. I mean, Dr. Green, you're a businessman. So I mean, you'll have a lot to talk about here. Please welcome chief. Greetings and salutations, Gum Shoe. Oh, hi. Hi. Hi, chief.

Very nice to meet you. This is Dr. Green. This is John Hodgman. Hello, Gum Shoe. What's that word that you keep saying? Gum Shoe. Gum Shoe? Yes.

What? It's a kind of a detective, like Johnny Hunchman. OK, yeah. I know what a Gum Shoe. Maybe you're just talking to Johnny Hunchman over here. No, I'm talking to all of you, Gum Shoe. OK, well, I don't know that I've... You are now a part of ACME Industries.

That is the business that I am in, solely based on finding Carmen Sandiego. International Thief, runabout, runamuck, Carmen Sandiego, Gum Shoe. OK. Wow. Oh, OK. We've been enlisted, I guess. Oh, yeah, Carmen Sandiego. That name is ringing a bell for me, although I can't quite place it.

She's a thief. She's been all around the world, and I need you all to find her. OK. Gum Shoe. OK. ACME Industries, you say? Yes. Is that a private detective agency?

It is, Gum Shoe. OK, got it. Great. You're already on the case. Not a governmental arm, not a member of the intelligence community. No, if we actually ever caught Carmen Sandiego, we'd be arrested. What? I don't want to catch her then.

Too late. Too late. Too late. Too late. You're all in, Gum Shoe. I don't have a lot of motivation at this point to do my job all that well. What if I showed you this picture of her? Oh, that would be helpful, because I recognize the name from something.

I can't remember what it is. I'll show you a picture of the International Thief, Swindler, Swingbat, Carmen Sandiego. Swingbat? Do you mean Dingbat? No, Swingbat. She loves playing baseball on the island of Cuba. Oh, the island. That's right.

That's my island. No, it's not. Jamaica and Cuba, the next tornado of us. I don't think so, Gum Shoe. Try again. Oh, wait a minute. That's you. Yes.

You're wearing a red familiar sort of fedora. A red fedora and a red jacket. French coat? But under that red jacket are two supple breasts that I hinted on finding. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What is your motive exactly for trying to find chief? Is that your name?

Yes. That's your Christian name? Yes. Do you have a surname? Or is that your surname? That is it. That's it. That's all we have.

Just chief. That is all my name is. It's chief. Because I'm the chief of the industry. Is it chief like share or the chief like the edge? The chief. All right. Okay.

And you say it's chief because you are the chief of ACME Industries. What was your name previous to that? Chief Junior. Chief Junior. Okay. Did you inherit your title? Yes. From your mother?

My mother, who was a single mom, founded ACME Industries for me to catch the worldwide common thief, Carmen San Diego. Oh, Toreas, swing that. And your mother wanted you to catch Carmen San Diego, but it seems your motivation is to take off her jacket. She be looking for them supple boobies. Supple breast of a thief. I don't know where she stole them from, maybe from God above.

They're beautiful. I never really thought about that. I guess our bodies sort of are stolen from God in a way. When I was in the pool looking up and got inspired by God, I was like, God, I got some good ideas. I like the theological implications that we have stolen our bodies from God. I do like that. God wants them back and that's why we die.

God wants them back and that's why we die. And he finally catches us. Right. And God, by the way, is a terrible detective. Because even though he's omnipotent and omniscient, he can't be like, I don't know where those guys are. He stole those bodies. Either that or babies who die are very clumsy at hiding their tracks.

Nah, me, Mel was not a clumsy baby. That's assured. They die. They are clumsy at hiding their tracks. Agree that. So wait a minute. You like her boobs because she's a thief? You're saying?

That is not the point of this. She's a thief. She has gone around the world. It seems like it's the point of this. She's gone around the world shaking that beautiful round bottle. Okay. What? What exactly has she stolen?

I mean, if you want me to find her, Johnny Huntsman, world's greatest detective. Millions of world artifacts, gumshoe. I'm glad you asked, Johnny. All right. I think you're going to be my star pupil of this round of gumshoes. Wait, there's rounds? Yes, of course. She's always stealing something else, and we can never seem to catch her.

This seems like an exercise in futility. What? Nothing. So she steals world artifacts? Yes. Like what are some of these artifacts? Like the Statue of Liberty? Recently, Carmen San Diego was spotted on the Mississippi River,

stealing the Grand Arch of St. Louis, the gateway to the West. Whoa. That's quite a heist. She always has helpers in every town she goes in. Oh, gosh. West of that, we call it vibrate. Let me just say that if she is capable of mobilizing a team of helpers to steal the San Diego, I'm excuse me.

The San Diego. The San Diego. You're mistaking the gateway to the West. Her surname for what she stole. If she has a legion of helpers that she can mobilize to steal the St. Louis Arch, I don't think three guys on a podcast are going to be able to catch her. Oh, but you're wrong, Mr. Hoffman. She can be caught and she will be caught because she leaves a trail everywhere she goes.

For example, in St. Louis when she stole the gateway to the West, the big Arch of St. Louis. We know what that is. She left a pair of nice Victoria's Secret thong panties. Gross. I don't. I'm really wondering what. And I will get her. Why?

Do you have any authority to catch her? Why? I mean, it sounds like you're just like attracted to this woman and you want to date her. I am authorized by Acme Industries LLC. You started that. Once again, a private company, not a member of the law enforcement of any kind. A citizen's arrest of some sort. That's a citizen's harassment.

Can I ask you a quick question, Chief? Please. Somewhere I remember a while back at Carmen San Diego, she moved beyond just traveling around the world stealing stuff. She moved to traveling in time and stealing stuff. In time, really? Yeah, where in time is Carmen San Diego? Not my jurisdiction.

There's a different. I am not a time cop. I am not a time cop. I only stay in this realm and run my company. Acme Industries, gumshoe. But great inquisitory question. Okay. I love those types of questions.

But what if Carmen San Diego, you'll be looking for her in this realm, and she'll be in a different time period? Oh, she'll be here. She'll be here. I smell her when I go to sleep at night. I have a bag of her hair. I have a bag of her hair. Where did you get that?

Someone would have had you shaved her. She shaves herself. Is that where she wears that hat? That's one of the clues she left. She shaves the side of her head like a modern day millennial girl. She's cool. Do you know she wears that hat? Her long hair is just connected to the hat.

Oh, okay. It's fake hair. Oh, all right. How did you know that? How did you know that, gumshoe? Are you holding out? Are you one of her minions? I knew it from the beautiful island of Jamaica,

where she has been caught on a bobsled team in the 1988 World Winter Olympics. Yeah, that's right. Carmen Sandiego inspired the John Candy character. Yes, she was the coach. How did you know that? How did you know that? Oh, gumshoe, we're getting so much closer to finding this woman.

What are you going to do when you catch her? I'm going to lock her up in a basement and softly kiss her golden thighs. Look, can I ask you something, chief? What about women that are acquaintances already of yours? Or maybe dating sites? What are you inferring? I'm implying something.

I don't know what I'm inferring. I'll tell you what I'm inferring is that you're in love with Carmen Sandiego. What? I'm no lesbian, Scott Huckerman. You're not? No. Why can't I have no time for a sexual relationship with anyone?

My job solely surrounds me catching Carmen Sandiego gumshoe. So you're asexual like Jughead? Yes, just like Jughead. Do you know Jughead, by the way? It was the movie about the Marines. Starting Jack Gyllenhaal. Number one, five. Ah, yes.

So good. So, so good. Very funny. Lots of laughs. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Good guys.

I'm glad that they're on the countdown. Zeke and Carl. Absolutely. I'm glad they're represented. They were hilarious this year. And there's so much fun to play with. And yeah, it was so much fun to do that live show with them with Carl doing chief and Zeke doing both of them.

Boneweave. Yes, that's a different character that Zeke does that they play together really well. And you know, as the show progresses, we've been doing it now eight and a half years. The people who used to do it all the time at the beginning, they get too busy. And so we all...

Not me. Nope, you're still around. I always seem to have plenty of time. Hey, you did a blackish this year, though. And wait, was Bajillion, by the way, was it all filmed prior to the beginning of the calendar year? Or did you have... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay, yeah. I think... Oh, I don't know. I don't even know, yeah. But there was... We did talking head stuff because I had a fake beard. Oh, right, right, right. So that was after the holidays, yeah.

Season four, hopefully we'll be out there at some point. But seasons one through three, available on iTunes. There we go. Certainly never too late. But it's always great to have new people coming in and being big hits with the listeners because then... I don't know, people enjoy the show.

I don't know where I was going with that. It keeps the show young. Keeps the show young. You make me feel so young. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we are going to have your episode 14. And this episode is... This episode has a personal connection to me.

A very personal connection to me. Are you on it? I am on it. Yes, that's what I'm trying to say. I figured it out. Actually, all of these episodes have a personal connection to me. All right, we're going to be right back with your episode 14. This is Comedy Bang, Bang.

Hey, Paul, I have a question for you. Yeah. And you're not going to like it. Well, thank you for your honesty. Because honestly, I have always thought that you're a coward. Just a yellow belly. Really? Yeah.

What do you think of me? I've always just figured you for a coward. Isn't that obvious? But I have to ask, are you... There's no other way to put this, really. Just ask me. Are you looking to take your podcast listening to the next level? I don't think you are.

I... You filthy... Hold on a second. Yes? I am, but I'm afraid to. Oh, I thought you were afraid to do it, so you were not ready. I am afraid to do it. But you're ready.

I'm ready. You're just afraid. Yeah. A very important distinction. It's like I'm standing on a diving board. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Much like that Elton John album.

Standing on a diving board, yeah. Standing on a diving board. Standing on a diving board. Oh, you did that. Paul? If you're ready to do this, take my hand. I want to guide you through this process. Oh, yes, spirit.

You have to. This is a future that may be, not one that will be. Okay. The one as big as me? Yes, that's right. Check out Stitcher Premium. Stitcher Premium, Paul. Stitch Premium.

Stats Preps. That's how we say it. That's how the cool people say it. What is it? Check out Stats Preps. It sounds magical. Stitcher Premium is, I don't know. I want to say a website or it's a conduit website.

I don't even know what this thing is. It's probably a conduit website. Something. I will definitely say it is something. It exists. One thing is not in doubt. It exists. That is the bare minimum for advertising on this show.

It has to exist. You have to exist. Stitcher Premium, nothing in this copy even says what it is, but I'm just going to assume you know. It's a place to listen to things. Yeah, you listen to a bunch of great hundreds of exclusive shows, bonus episodes, comedy albums. You can listen to all of the Peacast Blast,

which we did a couple of weeks ago on Stitcher Premium. Why? It was like a whole day. Well, you were there for a lot of it too, so you've already heard it. But for people who weren't there, they're going to want to listen to this. Well, that's fine for them,

but I'm not going to do that. All right. You can also listen to exclusive episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. How did this get made? Improv for Humans, Hollywood Handbook, Who Chartered and Playing Games with Jimmy Pardo. All on Stitcher. How exclusive are these?

So exclusive that barely anyone has signed up for this service. Oh, I like it. No, they have a great holiday deal going on for a limited time, and you're not going to want to miss this. Everything's free? No. Oh. I mean, that would be a great deal.

But I will say everything is 70%, meaning you get 30% off Stitcher Premium when you go to stitcher.com slash premium and use the promo code CBB30. I wonder what that stands for. CBB30. Okay. Comedy Bang Bang 3-0?

3-0? Yeah, I don't know. An odd... 30 stands for 3-0. I guess so. Yeah. But what is... Is the abbreviation for 3-0?

What does it have to do with Comedy Bang Bang? I don't know. Oh, 30% off. Why don't they call it CBB70? Because that's how much you're paying for it. That's not how people think of things. You're paying 70%? Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Kevin, change it to CBB70. All right. So if you put in CBB30 or CBB70, it'll work. That's not true. I'm getting someone shaking their head saying no. Yeah, that's not true. Okay. Try it out for yourself.

All right. Just go to stitcher.com slash premium. Use the promo code CBB30. That's the one that's going to work if you want 30% off. But if you want to pay 70%, use the promo code CBB70. Fair enough. Okay. Anyway, go to stitcher.com slash premium.

Get it up. Get it out. Get it out and get it up. Get it on over. Uh-oh. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Best of part one. By the way, if you're wondering about our schedule for the rest of the year, part one is today,

Christmas day, and then part two will be this Thursday. Part three will be on New Year's Day. And then part four will be... New Year's Day. That's right. Bono has come by the studio. It's so good to see him. What a pleasure it is to be here.

Simultaneously a good Irish exit and not really sounding like Bono. Oh, here's the expert. Morch. What? So the following Thursday will be part four, and then we're back to next year on the, what would that be, the eighth? Uh, we're back to our regular schedule. Yeah.

Yes, the eighth. All right, so we have gotten to that point in the countdown where we go to the next episode. It happens in every countdown, let's be honest. Several times. This is your episode 14. Number one, four. All right, episode 14. This is episode 489.

Do you know which episode this is? No. Of course you don't. Why do you keep asking me? This is from May 29th. Does that give you any... It sure doesn't, Scott. It sure doesn't.

Do you remember anything that happened in right after May 29th that may give you a clue? Well, let's see. No. Okay. Well, let me clue you in because I believe at the, at the beginning of June, a little, thank you very much, my dear boy, a little television program called Bajillion Dollar Properties premiered season three. Oh, shit.

And this is the episode called the Bajillion Dollar Properties Elevator Pitch. Yes. And Paul, this is your second episode. I'm very excited. This is one of my favorite times here in this studio. Really? Yeah. Tell us about that.

We talk about the participants. You have Paul here playing Orph Bergen track. And we have the cast, most of the cast, all but Ryan Gall, who was off shooting something, I believe. Most of the cast of Bajillion Dollar Properties, who have all become wonderful superstars on this podcast. Tim Baltz, Danadu, Drew Tarver, Mandelman, Tani Newsom, Eugene Cordero. And I mentioned the episode was personal to me.

My ex-girlfriend, Kulap Velisok. That's right. Is also on this episode. That's right. The creator of Bajillion Dollar Properties. Yes. And tell me about this episode. We, of course, invited everyone to do it, and everyone but Ryan could do it, which is

a lot of people. Yeah. And this is one of your favorites. Tell me about it. I knew that we were all going to be doing it, and so I texted everyone. There's an extensive Bajillion Dollar Properties text thread that's been going on. Now, this has been going on since the first season, right? Yes.

And I've seen some of it from Kulap. There's a very long, years-long text thread between nine people or something. Yeah. And we text each other frequently. Quite frequently. It's really, it's a delight. And I'm not, although I was executive producer, I've never been invited to this text chain. No.

We never thought to. And so I texted everyone and said, do you want to do like a group thing where we could all rather than have all these individual characters? Rather than everyone be introduced. Yeah. A lot of times when we have a lot of people on the show, everyone will be playing separate characters, and they will be introduced individually one by one. Yeah.

So this gave everyone a chance to participate equally, but not have to go through like the so much laying of pipe of who are you and what's your deal. So we could all be a family, and then we could each have our individual quirks. Individual quirks. So you are playing the Bergen track family familial band. That's right. Which is a, based sort of on the Trachtenberg, slideshow players, sort of a partridge family type thing as well.

It's a family that is very generous, that is all in a musical combination. Yeah. It was a mom and dad and a little girl, and they, they had these slides that were from an old like. Oh, sorry. I, yes. This is the Trachtenberg. Yeah.

And they were. Oh, I see why you said very generous. I was talking about the Bergen tracks. Oh, yeah. Like the partridge family. Yes. Okay, got it. So they showed these slides that were from, I think like a McDonald's corporate thing.

They would, as the lore goes, I believe they would find people selling slides in garage sales, like these carousels of the slides, and they would buy them and then write songs to the slides that they would find. And the little girl played drums. Right. And then. And it was forced to play drums. She was forced.

For what it seemed like to me. That's right. And it was an adorable thing. I never saw them before. I saw them live once. I saw them at the very end of their show at Bumbershoot one year, where I, because I meant to see them because I'd heard so much about them. And then somebody said, oh, they're on right now.

He's like, what? And I ran to this theater. I was on, chased by a ghost. I ran to the theater and got there in time for like the very last note. Mountain trip to Japan. Yeah, exactly. And people went nuts. And I was like, well, I guess I missed that.

The lead singer was sort of a Fred Armisen character type. Yes. And the little girl, who knows if she grew up well adjusted and enjoyed playing drums. I think she's arrested for murder. Really? Who's murder? Yes. Okay.

Uh, Keely Smith. Nicole Brown Simpson. Nicole Brown Simpson. She was the real killer. Whoa. Did OJ catch her? No. It's the.

Too busy playing golf. It's the great. It happened right before he got paroled. Oh man. Was he on the case? The Woody of Cotter? He was on the case as much as he could be from prison. Right.

Yeah. Amazing. So she murdered Nicole Brown Simpson. Yeah. So that's the back story of that's, that's what you pitched to the group of, hey, what if we were to all do this? Yeah. This is a busy, chaotic episode, a lot of people talking, but a very popular episode.

This was consistently voted on from the beginning of voting being open to the end. I'm very glad to hear that because I love these guys and it was so much fun to do this together. They, they really make me laugh and we have such a great time when we're all together and this was a ball to do. This was a literal ball. Yeah. You were all literally.

We were in a ball. In a ball. Yeah. Well, you do. It was very hard to mic you guys up. Yeah. It was like a big hamster ball. We were all in it.

We were all in it. It's made of hard plastic. We bumped into the walls. Is there soft plastic? Yeah. All right. Let's hear it. Let's hear your episode 14.

This is the Bajillion Dollar Properties Elevator Pitch episode 14 number one four. The group is the Bergen track family familial band. That's right. And please welcome Orph Bergen track. Hey, thanks for having us on the show. It's my pleasure to meet you. Thank you. It's nice to meet you as well.

You know, we don't get asked to do a lot of this stuff. You need to clear your throat before we continue it. That's it. Whatever you're ever going to do. Well, I can't promise that. Why do you throats get why do we need to re clear them? Is this a science show? This is not a.

I was not. This is not Professor Blasdorf. I'm not prepared to answer science questions. I'm sorry. Orph. That's what an interesting name. Orph. It's short for Orpheus.

Orpheus. Like Orpheus descending. Sure. I don't know. You don't know. It's a mythology thing. Okay. It's like the guy that blew out the sound or whatever.

He blew out the sun. Why is the sun still there? If you blew it out. I don't know. I didn't expect to be answered a lot of questions. Well, I mean, it's your name. This is like. You didn't expect to be answering questions?

Well, like these kinds of questions. This is like egepity, you know? I see. Well, I mean, some would think that it's your name and you would know a little bit about the history of it. Well, my parents died when I was very young. How young? Well, they both died in my childbirth.

When you were a new person. Yeah. They died. So your mother. My mother was dying in childbirth. My father saw where this was going and he just took himself out. Really? Yeah.

Like with a, I mean, this is probably painful for you. I don't want to. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, I never met these people. So what do I care? I mean, you probably met them once. Not that I recall. I mean, I'm assured that we have met.

Right, right. You know. But they probably mean as much to you as the doctor who slapped your bare little butt. Yeah. That guy still keeps in touch with. Oh, really? He's the one that named me Orpheus. What's his name?

His name is Orpheus. The name you have to. Really? Yeah. The exact same name? Yep. Okay. Are you a junior or I guess you can't be because you know.

No. I have my parents last name. Okay. What is their? Burgantrack. Burgantrack. Okay. And what's the doctor's last name?

His last name is Gashel. Gashel? Gashel. Gashel. Orpheus Gashel. Gashel. What an interesting name. What is his heritage?

I think it is. It's not one you hear a lot. What's his heritage? He's always from Maine. You keep in touch with this man for the past 62 years and you sort of know he's from Maine. Yeah, we mostly talk about baseball. Oh, really? Okay.

Well, who do you like this year? I mean, the Yankees are in first place right now. I love the Yankees, America's team. So we're a band, we're multimedia, we sing songs and we show slides of cave paintings and the idea is we talk about how the lives of the cavemen would be today in modern times. I see. And these are old cave paintings? No, the brand new.

So new cave paintings about old cavemen? No, about new cavemen. About new cavemen. I didn't realize they were new cavemen. Wait, we're not talking about the guy show cavemen. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Okay, please put them all down.

Don't keep them close to the chest. We live in a cave. You guys live in a cave? Yeah, in Central Park. In Central Park? Yeah. Please don't tell anybody. Look, I mean, I'm not going to.

It's a miracle we haven't been discovered in there. So I didn't realize there were caves in Central Park. Yeah, there's one. Wow. Keep out. So here's the band. It's my whole family. First we have...

The entirety of your family. There are no other members. There is one other member who's not in the band. More on that later. I thought you're calling me a moron. Sorry. Continue. The night is still young.

Right here we got... This is grandma. Grandma is the manager. And grandma of the band. This is my mother-in-law. This is your mother-in-law? Yes. Everyone calls her mama.

What? Mama, I'm introducing you. What? She doesn't hear so good. Okay, yeah. Obvious. We're out of sweet tots. Okay.

All right. I'll put in the order. She manages all the concessions and stuff like that that we sell at the shows. She manages them, but you put in the orders. Look, she's... I need a sour. She's getting on in years, right? She's not young anymore.

How old is she? I can't tell. She's in her mid-90s. Oh, gosh. Okay. She looks pretty good. Yeah, well, you know, I mean... We look the same age.

All old people, once you're past a certain age, you all look the same. You'll see. So, mama, how long... You've been with the band since the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. He says you've been in the band since the beginning. She heard me.

Oh, she... She makes that noise when she acknowledges something. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Now, I was married to mama's daughter. Okay. And all the kids are my kids with my previous wife.

With your previous wife? Yes. Okay. Is your previous wife with us? No, she's not here. No, thank God she is not here. So, she's the member of the family who is not here? Yes, exactly.

And this is my other ex-wife. Oh, you know, I don't like that word. I know you... My former wife. Okay. I'm no ex-wife. I'm a z-wife, baby, because I may not have been the first, but I definitely was the Omega. Oh, she's something else still.

Yeah. So, this is Kim Bega. Kim Bega. Yes. Okay, so you don't have the name... I don't have the name... ...Burgin Track. ...Burgin Track.

Yes, indeed. Formerly Burgin Track. That's who I was. Okay, got it. But we're still on good terms, so I'm still in the band. We're still on good terms. We're still on good terms. I still have your name on my debit card.

It gets me a lot of places. She flashes that debit card around. And doors open. I'm just saying, it helps to have a white-sounding name sometimes. You know what I'm saying? Bega, people don't know where you're from. They don't want to give you a line of credit. What is your background?

What is your ethnicity? Oh, arts and fine dining, baby. Okay, that doesn't give me any clue. She's very cosmopolitan. She's a citizen of the world. That's right. I've lived in Panama City and Panama City, Florida. Okay, interesting.

That tells me a lot. Who else do we have with the family here? Over here is Trey. Trey. Trey's the oldest boy. Hey. Trey, you say hey, which rhymes with your name? It does.

Trey is 48 years old. I'm 48. The eldest boy. I'm the oldest boy. So you had Trey when you were 15, 17, somewhere in there? I'm in my mid-60s. Right. Trey is 48 years old.

So. So you do the math. Yes, I did. Yeah, and then you asked me to do it again. Yeah, Giselle delivered me to. Really? That's right. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah, he's double that up. Was it in between the two games? Yes. Oh, my gosh. So he caught the second. My son, Trey caught the second game. Yeah, I was born right in their third base.

Did Giselle bring his glove so he could kind of. He did. He caught me better? He caught me, and then they wrapped me in the glove in a rubber band to sort of break the glove in. Yeah. Yeah, the oils. I was oily.

Of the placenta. The best thing for a ball glove. Yeah, I lived in that glove underneath a bed for about six, for six months. Yeah. Breaking that glove in. Yeah. How's that glove now? It's fully broken in, and I care what.

Soft as butter. As you can see, it's grafted into my back. So he's like a turtle. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. See that? I did not realize that when you walked in, but you have a full on just catcher's mid. Yeah.

Grapped it to your back. My goodness. And I'm a, I'm a guitarist. Trey plays the guitar. All right. Let's hear it. Let's hear a little bit of what you have. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. It's a little assist by Kim Bega. Yeah. We like to harmonize on guitar.

Not many people do that. You know Kim Bega's brother is Lou Bega. I didn't want to, I didn't want to bring it up. But yes, it's true. That's a big thing. I can't believe we haven't brought it up yet. We have not exploited that for our own purposes. And mambo number five is about Tim.

I'm sorry. About what? About Tim. It's about Tim Kim's brother. Tim Kim's brother, Tim Bega. Lou Bega wrote a song about his own brother, Tim Bega. And who do you leave out? Me.

What am I? The Latoya? Not anymore, baby. I thought for sure there was going to be a chord. There was, but things aren't always what they seem. Oh boy, that's the truth. Boy, that's a lot like that movie now you see me too. Oh, About Magic?

Well, Woody Arrelson plays Twins? You've seen it too. It's my favorite movie. Wow. Who else do we have here? Over here we have the Twins, Mack and Jack. Mack and Jack. Twins.

Oh wait, so you say Twins? Like that old commercial? And I say hello. They're 42 years old. 42, so you have them when you were in your early 20s. That's right, you did the math. Mack and Jack, what? They're short for Mackenzie and Jackenzie.

Hi. Be careful, you get the Mack and Jack attack. They are identical twins of different sexes. Yeah, okay. And yes, they are always in the nude. You do the science. Wait, so you're identical, but you're different. So yeah, I mean you look exactly the same, but you have boobs and you have an erect penis.

Well, it's very warm in here. Jack, should we explain it to him? Yeah. It's like the opposite of shrink. All these strangers with shrink. Well, let's get to the other kids. Okay. Who do we got here?

Over here we got the middle boy, I guess. Disappointment. D'Artagnan. D'Artagnan. Don't call him Disappoint. You stopped that. Disappointment. No, he's not.

Disappointment. Jinx, we said it the same time. No, you didn't actually. You actually did not say it at the same time. He's just so far apart from each other. Jinx. Jinx. I'm going to feed you a coat.

Okay. Okay, guys. I'm not though right then. I'm not a disappointment right then. You're not a disappointment, D'Artagnan. You're a good boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. D'Artagnan is the MJ.

He's the Michael Jackson of the family. Oh, really? For sure. Like the most talented one? Absolutely. The best singer? Yeah. I'm the smallest.

He's the smallest. Oh, I see. Yeah. That's a weird way to... He's also had the most plastic surgery. Yeah. I did my face. I did my face so I don't know what I want to look like yet.

Yeah, what ethnicity are you now? Because you're not the same color as any of these people. My eyes are from... My eyes are from... My eyes are from... It's hard for him to talk about. It's from Thailand by eyes. But then my lips...

I try to get my lips similar to the ladies in Florida. So he's got Thai eyes and Florida lips. Florida lips. Oh, that sounds like a great song. Hey, that's not bad. Let's hear a little bit of it. Thai eyes and Florida lips. I got Thai eyes and Thai lips.

Florida lips. Thai eyes and Florida lips. My lips are from Florida. Oh, Gushel. Wait, did you just say Gushel? Just a shout out to Dr. Gushel. And we both have stamps in our passport. Oh, that was...

Part of that was very beautiful. Hey, thank you so much. I would say mainly what... Shut it, shut it, shut it. Oh, the twins are still humming. What does grandma have to... Mama? Sweetheart.

Sweethearts? Sweethearts are on sale in the lobby. Now it's over. Perfect. Perfect. You're just doing reviews during the song. Most of us liked it out here in the audience. Trey does that to prompt the audience to clap.

So, Trey, you're in charge of shout outs and reviews of the song? Yes, I sit in the audience of all the shows. And I do. You sit in the audience? Yes. The guitar, yeah. And I go, this sounds honestly pretty good to me. And you know what?

I gotta get people going. It works like a charm. People don't even... They don't even think like, well, he's part of it. Yeah, I usually come in towards the back and I go, who is this? They're pretty good. Does anyone shush you while you're...

Yeah, they try to keep me quiet. I say, don't keep me quiet. I thought when I hear good music, I respond viscerally. And people have to give it up? He also... He buys all the merchandise too. It helps out a lot. Yeah, I buy all of our merch up.

You buy the merch. All of it. We have merch and I quickly buy it all. It snatches it off the shelves. What do you do with it once you bought it? I say, I got it all. Sorry, guys. You have to come to the next show if you want to get a sweatshirt.

That is less effective. But I think we're gonna keep it... This is a bad business model. Well, the results are not in yet. So far it hasn't resulted in a lot of repeat business, but we'll see how it goes. My nose is from Budapest. We still have...

Oh, that's not part of the song. We still got one more... Well, yeah. You just made them make up the song. We still got one more child. This is the baby. One more child. Hi.

I've been waiting here. I'm very cold. You've been very patient, son. Who is it? Well, who is this? Who is this little cute little guy? This is Gobo. Little Gobo.

Gobo. Little Gobo, what are the keys? Gobo's playing the keyboards like a cute little guy. Well, thank you. He's adorable, isn't he? How old is Gobo? He's 34 years old. 34.

He's the baby. I'm a baby of the group. It's a pleasure to be here. Thanks for having us. Would you like... Would you want to hear a song? Sure. I mean, a song with everyone or just you doing a song?

Just me. Oh, Gobo. He's a little charmer, isn't he? I waited here patiently. Gobo, play your... Gobo's trying to go solo. Gobo solo. Gobo solo.

Gobo go solo? Gobo go solo is his album. I just honestly... Gobo go solo? I was probably a good time to tell you guys. I just think they're dead weight. Gobo. Gobo.

We all agree, Gobo. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. No, it's not right. We go to concerts and then I start to play. And then... Tray goes into the audience.

Yeah, I've been helping out. Mama, I don't think is even alive. She's like half parrot. Gobo, this is very... Did you hear that? She acknowledged what you said and she's not happy about it. No, she's half... She's a fucking parrot now.

Gobo, is that any way for a young man to speak? Yeah, you're a little take. I feel like this when she'd go solo. Do his own thing. Yeah, thank you. You want Gobo go solo? Go go. We just got finished introducing everybody already.

We're breaking apart. Now listen, before the family completely breaks apart and they're always on the verge, this is what it's like to be in a family band for several decades. Right, so you've been around for a while. We've been around for a while. And this is the family familial band, the Bergen-Track family familial band. Is that because you're a family or do you just play four families? Both.

Extended families only. We just play four families. I'm no longer a part of this family, but still on good terms. So you only sell tickets to people who can prove they're a family? Yes. With that hard time finding success. We say, BYOB, bring your own blood. Yeah.

Right, and it's a blood test. That has caused a lot of confusion. Yeah, Maury's there. Maury is there. Maury Povich is at all of our shows. So if... You are the father. Admit it.

You get to go in. Admit it. Maury drinks at work. And admittance. Admitance. That's a direct quote. Maury is drunk all the time. Right, so that must be cutting down on your ticket sales

because I don't think I would want to go through that rigmarole to... Well, I mean, if you don't want to see a good show, you don't want to see a good show. Well, I mean, as much as I like my family, I don't know that I would want to... Whoa, who was that? That was me. That was you? Oh, God, are you okay? Probably not.

Dad, you can't die. Gobo, go solo. Gobo, whatever I told you, I'll never die. Yeah, that's right. Now, listen, what we'd like to do is... Because this is our last shot, you know, being on your show, this is the biggest exposure we've ever gotten. Okay, so you've been around for a while, you haven't had any success,

and you are viewing this appearance. We've had modest success. Well, what does that mean? I mean, it sounds like you're selling your own merch to yourself. We've played every riverboat casino in the nation. Every single one. Every one that's on trailers. That's right.

The dry land. Riverboat casinos that are out of commission. That's right. And they're in... They're up on blocks. Up on blocks. We've played all that. Have you been paid for these appearances?

Yeah. We broke even for most of them. We broke even. Because, you know, you have to pay for your own meals. And we're big families, so, of course, that costs a lot of money. Sure, yeah. And they never have casserole. It's true.

Isn't that weird? It's very strange. They never have casserole. It's very strange. What's the deal with that? I swear to God, no place in my name is casserole. It's dying. You guys like casserole?

Oh, I love it. I love it. What's better? Yes, casserole. Yes, mama. Mama. Mama. Remember the casserole you used to make?

Hot dish. Hot dish. Hot dish. Hot dish. She's from the Midwest. Hot dish. How does she call it that in the rest of you? She's from...

Because she's from Minnesota. Yeah, but it seems like if she was constantly calling it that while you were all growing up, you would also... It had breast milk in it. Yeah, there's a nice thick layer of breast milk in it. Oh, that's why you better let me have a casserole? That's the secret ingredient is breast milk. Okay.

Yes. Mama, would you like to sing hot dish? I guess. Yeah. Is this one that the whole band does? Yeah, it's all of it. This is the whole family sings hot dish, including mama. This is always a big moment when we bring her out onto the stage.

Trey, before the song starter, are you in the audience shouting what chord it is? Yes, I always get this band on the same page, and we never change chords in the songs. And also... But we do one surprise chord. What is it? F major seven, but no one knows when it comes. I don't know that one. Surprise.

It's true. All right, yeah, so this is called hot dish. Get ready, audience, because it's going to be so good. Turn your eyes to the stage. At this point, if I were in the audience, I would suspect that you were part of the show. Well, nobody has any clue, because I'm disguised. What are you disguised as? Batman.

Batman. You're wearing a Batman costume. You're wearing a Batman costume. Okay, well... I'm in full disguise, so nobody's got any idea. You're wearing a full Val Kilmer Batman costume. Yeah. I still, were I in the audience, I would say, oh, Batman must be in the band.

I don't think the disguise is... But nobody else on stage is dressed like a superhero. Yeah. He would make no sense. So he looks like an independent operator. Okay, so like a vigilante in the audience is shouting out chords. Exactly. Well, people don't think it's the real Batman.

Yeah, no. Okay, but... If any crime breaks out, I cannot help. They think it's just an audience member dressed like Batman. Have crimes broken out? Many times. Many times. It's a heavy...

There's mostly crimes in the audience. You know what's weird? There's a lot of blackmail that happens in the audience. Yeah. Some people blackmailing each other during the show? It's very... As a performer, it's very distracting to see people blackmailing each other in the audience. So they're passing back and forth notes that are cut out of newspapers.

That's right. That's red-skidnapping. That's racist. Yeah. A lot of people scream in the audience. Sometimes it's blackmail, too. I mean, let's be honest. Fair enough, but they can see each other.

So mostly they're just whispering, I'm going to reveal that information about you. If you don't give me $10,000. Got it. I hate to interrupt, but this is the longest intro to Hotfish that we've ever played. That's great. So far, it's perfectly on script. See, the baby is being a baby. Oh, I'm the only one who let people come out for it.

Ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball. Shut up. Oh, ball, ball. Is this part of the song? This is all part of the song. Yeah, this is all on script. So far, perfectly rehearsed. Perfectly rehearsed.

So the twins kick it off. The twins. Yes, we are. Who wants a hot dude? We are hungry. I want a hot dude. Huh? Casero!

She's switched now. Get out of the song. Where is he? Why is he in the middle of the song? Why? Let's eat that hot dish. Time to eat that hot dish. My neck is from Japan.

My neck is from Japan. Hot dish, Casero. Really waiting for that F major 7. You'll never know when it comes. There it is. I don't know. Do you know the power of a casserole When you see a dish so hot?

Do you know the power of a casserole A hot dish is what you've got? Ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay Okay, okay. Godly, that was so good. I want that on a CD. Too bad they're all gone. Come back next time.

Woah woah woah! That's hot dish. Number one, four. Oh, good stuff. Good stuff. Is it any wonder I'm crazy about them? It's fun. It's fun to be around them. It's fun to be around you.

It's just, it's fun to listen to the show. Speaking of listening to the show, though, we have to take a break where you can stop listening to the show if you want. But you are now released from your duty. You may stop, but we do have another episode coming right around the corner, and this is a... Where fudge is made?

That's true, and we're giving out fudge in the next segment. This is a very popular episode, and one I was listening to earlier today, it's very funny, so you're not going to want to stop listening before that episode. Nagawa. Nagada.

Coming up after the break, we'll have more of your countdown. This is Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. We are back, and this is the first episode of The Best ofs, and we're counting them down. We've heard episodes 16, 15, and 14. And let us tarry no further.

Let us get to your episode 13. Indeed. Number one, three. Alright, episode 13. Now, we've had one from March 6th, one from February 6th, then we jumped ahead to May 29th. Now we're going back to February.

February 27th, this is episode 473. Now, what's interesting about all of these episodes we've talked about today, they've all been from pre-episode 500, which is sort of where the demarcation point, there's pre-fontein, of course. And there's post-fontein. That's what the other movie about pre-fontein

should have been called, right? Post-fonteins. Him in Heaven. He can run as much as he wants. But angels fly faster, and they're always like, ah-ha. So true. Wow, that sounds like hell.

It might be hell. This is an episode called Tight Tort. Tight Tort. Now, let's talk about the participants of this episode. Now, our good friend Ben Schwartz. Sure. Great friend of the show.

You know him as the original voice of BB-8, and then Bill Hader got involved, and then they just were like, let's just put bloops and bloops in this thing. Yeah, what is that? I don't understand. So did BB-8 say words, and then they changed it? Yeah, I think it was like, hey, just improv,

and maybe we'll cut out the words and just use the inflections or something like that. I don't understand why there's two people. I don't know. Bill got involved, and maybe he was making bloop bloop bloop bloop while Ben was doing it. I haven't gotten the full story. I don't know what it was, but I do know

that they tossed it all out, and now none of them are involved in this new Star Wars. But you also know him from his hit show, oh, that's being generous, House of Lies, and we have... Being generous is a hit, or that they would know him from it. Either way, I'll take all comers.

He has a movie coming out with Billy Crystal coming up soon in 2018, I believe, where Billy Crystal plays his father. Is it called Jew the Movie? Hey, come on. That's not the type of humor we do on this show. That's not the type of humor you're known for. It's really not.

I feel like you were just showing off. It's really not. I was trying to act cool. Yeah, well, you don't need to do that. People like you for who you are. I'm sorry, everybody. So, Ben was on this show, and the other person on the show is Thomas Middleditch,

whom people know from as Paul of Tompkins arch enemy, and... That's right. My old rival. People know him from Silicon Valley and from these Verizon commercials that seemingly play every hour of every day. That's right.

When I was watching baseball this year on the At Bat Major League Baseball app, a lot of times they'll just run one commercial over and over and over again. And you'll just see the same one, just one Marine at home. There was a few games there where it was Thomas Middleditch and Verizon,

and I thought I was going to lose my mind. And guess what? You did. I'll do it. I'm crazy. I'm crazy. So, Thomas Middleditch has been on the show many times. He's appeared on our countdown.

He was in the top spot last year for kid detectives, too. Not to rub salt in the wound. He and Ben, a lot of people don't know this, but they improvised together in shows here in Los Angeles together. That's right. Called, I think it's called Middleditch in Schwartz, maybe?

I can't recall. I think so. But they do these shows together and they're very funny together. And I believe Ben said to me, hey, what if we're doing a show coming up at Largo? Maybe we could do an episode the next day together because they had never done the show together.

Now, Ben, primarily when he's on the show, he does it just as himself and he's just himself and doesn't do character work. But this is the only episode in which he has ever portrayed a character on the show. And this is called... And a character, I'm assuming, wildly different from his personality.

I mean, it's... he's got the qualities of his personality. Like, if you were listening to this, you would say, who is this? I mean, it is a little different, honestly. I know you're making a joke, but it is... I don't know. I did not remember this episode all that well.

So I did a refresher course this morning and Coolop came in and was like, who is this? And didn't know who either of them were. And I told them, I told her, and we were laughing ourselves silly as I hope that you guys will when you hear this. That's fun.

This is... Ben Schwartz has Marcus Quittlebit and Thomas Middleditch as Alan Buchanan. This is your episode 13 Tight Tort. Let's introduce you. He is an entrepreneur of a small business, I'm guessing. Please welcome Alan Buchanan. Hello, Alan.

Hi. Thank you so much for having me on here. It's been a while since I've interacted, really, with anyone. With anyone? Yes. Really? So you're a bit of an introvert or...

Not my choice. Are you perhaps even a gorophobic? Not my choice. Well, sure. I don't think anyone would choose either of those things. No, I'm not a gorophobic. I do like going out. I go outside with my dog muffins

and we stroll along the park. Okay. And I do... Does your dog stroll as well or is your dog just kind of... I think that is funny, but no, it gallops. You do think it's funny, though? I can appreciate it.

The reviews are in. I love this. I enjoy this. I love it when a guest comes on and tells me they think I'm funny. That's very, very nice. Thank you so much. What do you have there?

What do you... What's in your hand? Well, I do have a couple of jars of my jams and jellies and preserves. Oh, and these are things you bought or... These are things I've been making. It's been a while since I've had any formal level of employment.

I used to be a data entry specialist. Wait, so you specialize in that? I trained other people to enter data. What is there to know other than here's some data, put it in there. Spreadsheets. Oh, okay, yeah. So it sounds like there's a little bit.

Control X, control C, control V. You'd think paste would be control P, but it's not. It's control... It's control V, yeah. Well, probably because it's right there. Definitely because it's right there, but it is counter-intuitive.

It really is. Well, I mean, the whole QWERTY keyboard system is kind of... I don't know what you're talking about. Wait, you don't know what QWERTY is? Excuse me, sir. You can call me Scott. I'm the host.

I'm controlling the conversation, not you. I just think that you should know and the listeners at home should know that I suffer from... Who just came in here? It's me. It's me. What a loud room outside.

Sorry, apologies. Excuse me, who are you, sir? Me? Yeah. My name is Marcus Quittlebit. You're what? Marcus Quittlebit. Marcus Quittlebit?

Yes. Okay. And who are you? Why did you just come in here? That's insane. You must not have read the articles on TV. There was an article on TV? Many articles of me have been on a theory

of the different TV shows and networks. I'm famous for trying to become a superhero by being bitten by either a spider or rolling in toxic waste. Maybe you've seen my pictures. I... You know what? This is ringing a bell.

I saw... I think I've seen it. Oh, what is that? What is that in your head? Have you got some germs and some jellies? This is a raspberry jam. Wow. Now...

Is this part of your business, by the way, you make... Currently, this is my business because I have not been able to acquire employment elsewhere. Right. As I was about to say, I suffer from WCS.

What is WCS? That is wet crotch syndrome. Oh. It's not urine. It is hyperhydrosis of the crotch. Meaning your crotch gets very wet from perspiration? Yes.

There are no sweat glands down there. The sweat glands are in my armpits. But due to some severe burns I received as a child, my armpits are sealed over. And so the excess sweat drains down on my body and out of my crotch.

Anywhere from the top, the base of my penis, all the way back down to the start of my anus. What do you consider to be the base of your penis, by the way? Is that the bottom of the balls or is that the top part of the shaft?

The top part of the shaft of the penis where it meets the rest of the abdomen. This is amazing because for me, I actually, one time, tried to become a superhero by putting my dick inside of wax and lighting it on fire.

Oh, okay. I don't know how that would work. In a superhero, nobody can ever affect my penis. So for me... I guess there's a lot of crazy things that happen to superheroes. Like the flash...

Are you a superhero? Yes. In a way, yes. Which way? In a way, no. In a way, yes, you were a superhero or in a way,

it did affect your penis. Well, this is a two-step question and I'm going to hit you up with a two-step answer. First thing, what's the first question? How old am I? No.

Yeah, I would like to know that because you have sort of a childlike lisp. Let's say I'm three l, you think I am and I'll say it at the same time and we go one, two,

three, nine, three years old. You're 94 and you're three years old. I can never tell the age of a child. I find them absolutely missed.

You hate children? No, I just can't tell their age. Okay, but you are 94 years old. 94 years young. I've been doing it since before Stanley with Stanley. But your proportions

are small like a child. Yes, I'm small because I forgot to keep growing. Do you suffer from that comical disease Benjamin Button syndrome? Yes. Yes.

I try to get the younger I am. In a week, I'm going to be a little sperm. In one week, you're going to be a sperm. Yeah, it really gets faster at the end there. I can't wait.

Do you mind coming back in a week? I just can't wait to be king. I would love to. I'm sorry. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. Scott, what?

How do you know me? I've never introduced myself to you. I think I find that humorous. Oh, thank you so much. Wait, can you, I'm going to say a joke and you tell me if it's funny

or not. And you can laugh in the butt of many jokes. And I think it's done something to my human receptors if that is a thing. It just wears you down. I'm going to try to make you laugh

for real. I'm going to try to make you laugh for real. So this is sort of like an episode of make me laugh. I like this. I want to see if we really get that this is humorous every time.

60 seconds on the clock. Okay, here we go. You get $5 for every second you don't laugh. Oh, I'll do my thing. You got to look at me in the eye for when I do it. And you can't look away.

You're already checking. You're already checking. It's very exciting. Okay, that's exciting. Ready? Okay. I'm going to get the clock going. Okay.

You got to look in the eye but I'm just going to say some jokes and you got to not laugh. You just have to say that's humorous. Okay, ready? We have... Tell me when to start. 60 seconds on the clock.

Jonathan. Jonathan. Tell me when to start, Jonathan. Here we go. And start. Two bungers walking with Barb.

One bunger. Look at me in the eye. One bunger. You already left. Five seconds. That is $25. You want to play one more time? Well, yes.

I've been absolutely thrilled. All right. Do you want to bet your... No, it's not that you're excited that you're doing it. Oh. It's because you're laughing, I think. No.

It has been because I have been excited. Now, you can keep the $25 or you can go again. Or. And if you laugh before the 60 seconds, you don't get any money. But if you... But if you go above your five seconds,

then you'll win more than $25. Or do you want to keep the $25? I do need the $25. The jams have not been selling. Sure. I do want to talk about them. Sure. How much talking could you do about jams?

Well, there is a difference between a jam and a preserve. Okay. That's meant to be your rhetorical question. Anyway, do you want to risk it all? Yes. Okay. Here we go.

All you have to do is not laugh. Not laugh? I already laughed. Get it all out. Is this exciting, too? Get it out now and tell me when you're ready. That is terrifically exciting. All right.

I don't know why. All right. The clock's about to start. You have to... I can't do that with me. You have to not laugh. And you get a hundred... You get a hundred dollars for every second,

only if you last the entire 60 seconds. Right in the eye. By the way, you know that I, one time, try to inject my eyes with a serum that would give me super eye strength. All right. Here we go. Ready?

All right. Here we go. No, you got to put the cup down. Locking our eyes. Ready? All right. Here we go. 60 seconds on the clock.

Look at me in the eye. I can't. Tell me when you're ready. All right. I'm ready to give a joke. Okay. Go. Two caterpillars walk into a bar.

One's like, oh, boy, I have a caterpillar. The other one's like, I'm down a trip. You're fired. That's no problem. Well, you still have... Look, you can... You have 45 seconds left. Okay.

Now in hindsight, all these previous things seem less funny. What? Oh, what was I doing? What? Laughing and giggling to that type of stuff. I don't understand it. What do you think?

Maybe it is funny and I don't get it. That happens all the time. Well, this doesn't count. You have 30 seconds. What do you want me to do? I'm hilarious. I'm so sorry. If we could talk about the jams.

You said you have 20 more seconds. Let's hear him talk about the jam. You have 20 more seconds to try to make him laugh. Okay. By the way, he's going to bankrupt me. Okay, listen. How funny would it be if it was hockey, but instead of hockey, everybody was on pieces of bread

and they were making them into butter? Hey, you make bread into butter. Oh, no. You can't. I'm going to lose it all. You can't make bread into butter. How much money did you lose? Oh, no.

Are you bankrupt? $300 every goddamn second. I made $36,000. Oh, God. Mr. Ackerman, thank you so much. No. Honestly, I have had a terrible year. Sorry, it's $6,000.

That's even better. No, it's $36,000. $6,000 is what you made. Well, either way, that's a tremendous boon to my bank account. This has bankrupted me. I've had a terrible year. My daughter passed away, drowned in a river. Oh, no.

Oh, no. My mother passed away old age. Yeah. But did they find her in a river as well? No, in a bed. But the bed was in a river. The river bed? Yes.

I tried to save that bed. I went in there to try and save it. Look, I would have recognized it. Why does nobody remember me? Can I say, when I ask you, is it in a river? You can't say no, it was in a bed, and then we find out it was a river bed. That is cheating.

Look. Well, I was fired from my job years ago. So that doesn't count for this year? Yes, but this year has been tough. I've been rejected from many positions. And of course, still no cure for my WCS. That's terrible. By the way, I have made a mess of your chair.

How do you stop it? Is there any way you can control it? I can wear adult diapers, and I do from time to time, but they are terribly uncomfortable. Are you wearing one now? No, sir. But you can wear pants over them. Yes.

By the way, I'm not sure if you knew that. Over diapers? Over the adult diapers. Yeah, so it's not like you... They don't look good. They look like you're a man with diapers. They slightly bunch your pants. Do you wear very tight skinny jeans?

Well, I wear normal fitting khaki pants with hammer loops on the side of the leg. Wow, carpet their pants. They're specifically khakis with hammer loops. You know what I could do? There's only a few companies that make them. I could make you a superhero outfit. List those companies, by the way.

Do you mind? Marshalls. Two more, please. Dickies. One more. And, ooh, what was it? Oh, American Apparel. Ooh, wow.

So you really do buy these pants? I love them. Okay. So look. Nice wide leg boot cut, hammer loop, cargo pants. Right. A nice one. By the way, this is more sweat than should be coming out of your armpits.

Yeah, they're very sweaty. It's very chilly in the studio. I know. I know. You can't just say it's being re-routed from your armpits at this point. That's the current doctor's theory. Now, there are 11 other people, from what I'm told, in the world with this syndrome. So it's pretty real.

Can I ask you a question? Because this is really what I'm thinking about. I think you just can't stop pissing your pants and you call it something else. No, no, no. Don't say, no, no. Because you look at you right now. You're pissing right now. Yeah, this doesn't look like sweat.

It has a yellow hue. It is not urine. It's not urine. It is sweat. How? Do you mind tasting it and proving it? Tasting in front of us. If it's sweat, then taste in front of us.

Could I taste my own sweat that's disgusting? Let me do it. Let me taste it. Because it's better than urine. Do you want to taste my... Maybe this is what it'll take. Maybe I'll become Captain Urine or something like that. Yes, Marcus.

This is it. This could be my chance to become a real Super Bureau. Don't be a Super Bureau. Why? This is not how it's going to happen. Give me it. Sir, I admire your enthusiasm. Oh my God.

He's rigging over. He's grabbing him and... I can't believe it. This has never happened before. What is it? Oh my God. Oh my God. Do you feel it?

Oh my God. With piss. It was piss. How do you know what piss tastes like? That's a good point. It's either dick sweat or piss. That's what we were trying to determine. I need another sip.

Partly penile sweat. It's crotch sweat. It's WCS. Quit trying to make me mad. Wait. You seem like you're getting slightly angry. You're accusing me of being a urinator and I'm not. You've never urinated.

Of course I haven't. How do you urinate? Is it different? Does it come out of a different spurt? No, it comes out of my urethra. What is so wrong? And what is the sweat come out of? My crotch from the top, from the base,

top part of my penis, where the shaft meets my abdomen, all the way around. Where the shaft meets the abdomen? Does the shaft not meet the abdomen? How was the meeting, by the way, did it? Was it a good meeting? What?

When the shaft met the abdomen? I am assuming that's funny, but I... I don't think you can assume that. It wasn't that funny. Your reaction was correct. I had an intimate encounter with a woman about two years ago. Wow.

Details. Give us the dates on the beat. This is three years after my wife left me. Sure. So your wife died? No. My mother died and my daughter died. Your wife is not dead?

My wife is now dead. Can I ask where she was found? Was it in a river? No. Where? It was on a boat. Floating in a river. That's in a river.

It's not in a river. It's on a boat. Sir, you need your ax checked. I need an accuracy check right now. Beniway. Yes, Beniway. I was with a... I was with another woman, a different woman,

that I met at a candle store. Oh, really? And we were intimate after about four or five days. Did you get any of the candles involved in this? Well, she did have some nice scented candles at home. Some candles that she made, but she was actually... Wait, she makes candles and she went to a candle store? She was at the candle store to buy supplies to make candles.

Why would they sell candle making supplies at a candle store? That's going to put them right out of business. It was one of those candle stores that had candles. That's like selling milk and sugar at an ice cream store. Ooh, that's a smart idea. Well, you go to an art store, you can buy made art, or you can buy the supplies to make them. Well, yeah, but you go to a museum.

Why are we fighting? They're not going to give you a bunch of watercolors. You take it up with candles, candles everywhere. Candles, candles everywhere? What's the name of your website where I can get jams and jams? I don't have the website. But what is the name of your actual company? What's the name of your company?

But it is Buchanan's Jams. Buchanan's Jams. Buchanan's Jams would matter. Well, it's actually Buchanan's Jams and then brackets or parentheses, jellies and preserves. Okay. Okay. What's the difference between jelly and jam and a preserve?

Oh, so now you would like to know. Well, I'm curious. I don't know that we have time before the break. You don't? Please. Okay. All right. I'll allow this one time.

Start it at the beginning of the break. Talk through the whole commercial. If you can get through it in 60 seconds. 60? That's all I get. Yeah, that's all you get. If you can get through it in 60 seconds, I'll give you $1,000 per second.

Or you can keep your $6,000. Did you ever see that Nick Cage movie? Explain it in 60 seconds? I don't believe I... Now, is that funny? I don't believe it is. Are you sure? Baby, I have no idea.

Nick Cannon, you said. Nick Cannon and Angelina Joe leaps? Do you want to risk your $6,000 to see if you can explain the difference? Yes. All right, here we go. Ready? And go. A preserve is the thicker of the three.

That's you're going to get your highest fruit count in there. It's almost as if it were a paste. Now, that's for real fruit lovers. Now, a jam is somewhere in between. 45 seconds. I know. A jam is somewhere in between. A preserve and a jelly.

You've got a little bit of jelly in. You've got a little bit of fruit, but a jelly. Now, that is really some gelatinous jelly. Halfway. Gelatin. You're not going to get any fruit chunks. You're just going to get sort of a gelatinous syrupy sweet. You've just talked about the texture.

You've literally talked about the texture. What is the actual difference? What's the difference? Where was my time? You have 15 seconds. Well, what do you mean? There's all types of flavors. Boys in berry, blackberry, raspberry.

Is the only difference to thickness and stuff like that? 9 seconds. 8 seconds. Not the way it's made? 6 seconds. Well, yes, but I can't get into it. 4 seconds. Those are the differences between the jams, jellies, and biscuits.

No! Dammit! How much money? Dammit! I owe him $16,000. Wow! What are you going to do? Mr. Aquaman, I can't tell you.

I was about to lose my home. Oh, God. I was default on my mortgages in my home in Arizona. Where is your home? Look, in Arizona. In Arizona. It's in a river, no. It's by a river.

Okay, look, look. Number one, three. Oh, yes. I stand corrected. Very, very fun. Two funny people. Good episode. That one has been...

That one really moved up and down the countdown. At some points, it was not in the top 16. At other points, it was even higher than 13. It's really been one that has fluctuated, but at the end of the day, that's where it turned out was episode 13. And that's really what it all comes down to, the end of the day. That is true. Speaking of the end of the day, we're almost at the end of this show.

Fuck. But this episode, in particular, but I did not want Christmas to pass without doing something a little special for the listeners. Yeah. You say that as if you don't know what I'm talking about. God, I do know what you're talking about, and I agree. I think the listeners deserve this. They deserve this.

Now, last year... Actually, let's talk about two years ago. Two years ago on these best ofs. I don't know what happened or how we stumbled across it. Do you recall the genesis of this? No, because it's a very twisted path. It was. I can't recall why we were talking about the movie I, Robot.

But we then implored people not to joke about it. I don't remember why. Yeah, I don't remember. I don't remember why it was important not to joke about I, Robot. I don't recall. But then we made a promise to each other that the next year we would sing a song called Please Don't Joke About I, Robot This Christmas. Specifically, it was Don't Joke About I, Robot At Christmas Time.

The rest of the year? Go crazy. And by the way, is that one day Christmas or is that the Christmas season? Which is happening earlier and earlier. We haven't defined that because there's a lot of people on Twitter who are taking things as jokes about I, Robot. And they're saying, I thought, you know, it's like you shouldn't be making jokes about I, Robot.

And a lot of people are writing to us saying, when can I, when's the cutoff? Yes. It's much like wearing white after Labor Day. When do I have to stop making jokes about I, Robot? I'm going to say it's the day after Thanksgiving through Christmas Day. Through Christmas Day, the end of Christmas Day. Yes. And after you've had your Christmas pudding, you know, at night, you can joke about it.

12-01, December 26th, go ahead. Have at it. Have at it. So coming up a little later today, you can joke about I, Robot. Yeah. But. If you stay awake long enough. And I hope you do.

I pray you do. I pray you do. Last year we sang this song, it became a big hit. You can go listen to it on Spotify, I believe. It was released to Spotify. And so this year, we all know not to joke about I, Robot. But this year, a little movie came out that captured my attention and caught my eye. And I realized that it's, it's pretty serious too.

And it's something that should not be joked about either. I think the audience deserves to know that when we were gearing up to do these best ofs, we were scheduling it. You asked me if we were going to do this song. This particular song, I suggested we do this song. And I said, well, yeah, if you write lyrics. Yeah. Because last year, you wrote the entirety of the lyrics of the I, Robot song.

Evan Sledder, of course, wrote the beautiful music and produced the backing track. This year, you abdicated responsibility of that to me. And I, I was glad. I was glad because I took it as a challenge because I love a creative challenge. And sometimes there, there's nothing better as an artist than receiving parameters because then there's nothing better. Honestly, there, sometimes there is. I remember, like, if you were just had to think of anything to do, you'd be like, oh,

it could be anything. But you know, someone comes to me and says, hey, do you want to do a Michael Bolton Valentine's Day special? Then it's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I get that. So that's, I received these parameters of this is what the song is. And I loved it. I just had fun. It was like a playground.

I just like, I had a ball with it. I created all new lyrics. Right. For this, the tune remains the same. That's right. But I created all new brand new lyrics about a movie that just came out that I hope you've seen, although if you haven't seen it, I don't know whether this is going to make sense or not.

But we're going to sing it now. And let's, let's not even say what the title is. Okay. Let's just sing the song. What do you say? Yeah. All right. This is about a current movie currently in theaters.

We hope that you don't joke about it. Paul, take it away. Hit it. You don't have to wrap a gift for me. And you don't have to put lights on a tree. But I've got one request you must not dismiss. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas.

That's the cruelest thing that you could do. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas. Because itanya would not joke about you. You can sing a carol in the snow. Gain a bunch of weight and laugh ho, ho, ho. And drink 10,000 mugs of Swiss mist. But please don't joke about itanya this Christmas. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas.

That's the cruelest thing that you could do. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas. Because itanya would not joke about you. I Tanya was released a couple of weeks ago and as of this recording has a 87% score on the Rotten Tomatoes Movie website. That means most of the audiences liked it just fine. There were way worse movies released this year. Justice League for instance. Maybe make fun of that one.

How about triple X to return to Xander Cage? No one wanted that. M Night Shyamalan split for crying out loud. Baywatch. Come on. Baywatch is better than itanya. Get out of town. So this year as you gather around the Christmas tree to open presents. Just this one time.

Don't joke about itanya. Give a man of snow a carrot nose. Squeeze the baby Jesus's little toes. But should you ignore my warning you'd be remiss. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas. That's the cruelest thing that you could do. Please don't joke about itanya this Christmas.

Cause itanya would not joke about you. Cause itanya would not joke about you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Please don't joke about it guys. Merry Christmas. It's a good movie. Thanks to Evan Schlatter for that beautiful music.

Thank you Evan. It's wonderful. The gift that keeps on giving. Speaking of the gift that keeps on giving. We're going to keep on giving these gifts to you this Thursday part two. And then New Year's Day part three. And a few days after that part four. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Hey Matt Bell, not the New Year's right around the corner. That's so true Jimmy.

And what better way to bring in the New Year but by trying out a new podcast. Never not funny. Now we're not a new podcast. But maybe it's new to you. We might be the oldest podcast on your wolf. Never not funny. It's been around like you say almost 12 years now. And some people are still not on board.

Which I find ridiculous. If you like people like Paul Tompkins, Scott Ackerman, Tignataro, I don't know. Andy Daly. Conan O'Brien has been known to stop by. Yeah. We have all the people you love on the show. Zach Galvanekis occasionally makes his face known.

He's on playing games. You know, I think if you are a little daunted by the two hour runtime of never not funny, check out playing games. It's a little half hour game show version of what we do on never not funny. It's a sort of more structured version of it. Give that a try if you like it.

Maybe jump on over to never not funny. Or you know what? Just go deep dive. Put the wetsuit on and jump into the two hours of fun that is never not funny. Never not funny and playing games. A better way to laugh. Ear Wolf. This has been in Ear Wolf production,

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