Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2017 Pt. 3

Episode Date: January 1, 2018

Happy New Year! Scott and Paul F. Tompkins continue the Best of Comedy Bang! Bang! 2017 countdown with numbers eight through five as voted by YOU listeners. Stay tuned for Part 4! This episode is brought to you by Squarespace (www.squarespace.com code: BANGBANG) and Leesa (www.leesa.com/BANGBANG).

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Bought the farm, chilled the beans, took a rain check and shot the breeze. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang and thank you to Mondo Mudbutt for that catchphrase submission and may I say, happy new year. Happy new year. Happy new year. Happy new year.

To all the quatens be forgot and never brought to mind. Shut all the quatens be lower. Why are you, oh my god, are you yawning in the middle of a song? I triggered a yawn. Oh, triggered. Trigger warning, I yawned. I yawned.

I yawned. I yawned, yawned. I yawned, yawned. I yawned, yawned, yawned, yawned, yawned, yawned. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Oh my gosh, and happy new year to everybody. 2018, can you believe we made it? I can't believe it.

Looks like we made it. Ebony each other on the way. Do you say ebony other on the way? Yeah, ebony other on the way. What else would the lyrics be? It's the sequel to ebony and ivory, in other words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Songs should have sequels more often.

Might even be a prequel. Well, you know what I like is the answer songs. The answer songs are great. The, of course, Papa just wants the best for you. That's right, Danny I. Yellow. But what are some of the other answer songs that you can think of? Well, here's what's weird about that one.

So Papa Don't Preach is, I'm not gonna have an abortion. Right. And then the dad is like, please have an abortion. Please, I just want the best for you, honey. Oh, have an abortion. I love you, please have an abortion. Don't give me a grandson. Hey.

Hey, by the way, if you're listening to this for the first time, please give us a grandson. When are you gonna give us a grandson? When are you gonna give Paul and me a grandson? Do you think people fucked the last couple episodes? Oh, that's my greatest wish. The idea of someone having sex. While listening to this makes me sick to my stomach.

Oh, me so horny. Oh, oh, me so horny. Oh, me so horny. Do you think that song holds up? I think it does. I think it's fresh as the day it was recorded. Welcome to the show. This is, by the way, best of 2017?

That's right, it's 2018. How is that a by the way? By the way. By the way, here's what this is. Maybe the most important thing of all. By the way, it's kind of like red hot chili peppers, by the way. Well, what was he saying?

By the way, I might, I might be in love with you. I don't ever wanna boo. I don't ever wanna boo. I don't ever wanna boo. You ever go through a chili peppers phase, Paul? Every morning. Every goddamn day, every morning music. Wake up thinking of the red hot chili peppers.

Ram-a-la-ma-ding-dong. No. That's your alarm, right? Can I tell you, I, the other day, I shoved. Were you walking down the street just the other day? Who's lying? Oh, I was walking down the street just the other day. I shoved my wife awake.

You shoved your wife awake? No, Paul, don't. I had a wife. I'd only had it for like barely two hours. Before you just shoved it away. Shoved it away. Shoved it away, shoved it away for that. Shoved it away, shoved it away.

I shoved her awake because I was having a dream that a Freddy Krueger-like zombie was coming after. It was a zombie that also had- Had Freddy Krueger knives or face? Both, Freddy Krueger knives and face. He looked kind of like that character from Guardians of the Galaxy that dude- Vindu or whatever his name is, the blue-

Yeah, what is that guy's name? Win, Win Blue? Jeremiah? I think it was like- It might have been Justin actor, I can't remember. Oh, Justin actor. Oh, Justin actor. I mean, it's played by Justin actor.

Right. But I, this guy was getting closer and closer to me. And I- Get a little closer. This dream is heating up. And he was slashing at me and I shoved him. Right. And I-

You shoved Janie? I shoved my wife, I shoved Janie. And I heard her cry out. And she was like, what's wrong? What's wrong, what's wrong? And I was fucking freaked out, freaked out. I'd never done that before. So paging Dr. Freud, what does this mean?

You consider your wife- I think my wife is a monster. To get her away from me. I agree, honestly. I never want to say it because it's tricky when you tell your friend something true about that person's wife, but I've always thought that Janie is a monster, yes.

She's a monster and I'm scared. Can I tell you something I'm proud of? Yes. The reason I was confronting this monster is because I was giving some time to some older people to get away. Oh, so you're a hero in your dreams. In real life, not at all.

I shoved my wife. I, you know, I don't know. I've been so irritated with older people like being stuck behind them driving or being like stuck behind them on a plane. I can only imagine if that's- Being stuck behind them in life? Your parents?

When are they gonna die? Why can't I be older than old people? When do I get to be the oldest one? You know, we were talking in one of these last episodes about how things like being in a Star Wars film is something that you never imagined you could ever do. Yes. Do you think you will ever get

to be the oldest person on earth? Like how weird- Yeah, absolutely. How weird would that be if I were like, I'll have pumpkins now as the oldest person on earth. I don't think it'd be that weird. I think it's going to happen. And how old do you think you'll be when that happens?

97? 97, so okay. So anyone older than Paul is gonna die by 97. Wow. That is too bad to know. But I hope it happens for you. Too bad to know. Too bad to know.

That's what I wrote in your yearbook. You are too bad to know. The sequel to bad know. The bad in the know. We were talking about too fast, too furious at lunch, Paul. You can't deny it. That lunch was a mistake, by the way. Why are you-

I think we should have plowed through. No, I was dying. Were you dying? Yeah, I need to eat. I need to eat. I not need to eat. You had tater tots. I did, I ate anyway, which I shouldn't have done.

What is the name of tater tots? Why are they called tater tots? I did a fun thing where I had two sides. They're called tater tots because- Sounds like every story. They're the children of potatoes. They're potato children. Yes.

They're potato children. They're potato children. I like that. They were in the common vernacular tater tots. I like the idea that two potatoes, if you rub them together long enough, just tater tots will fall out. Yeah.

I like it. Fall out of the womb of one of the potatoes. I love it. And then you eat it. Yeah, and then you eat it. And then you eat it, and then you die. First you eat it, then you die. It's like the ring.

Ringu. Ringu. Ring it all. By the way, that's a character. That was who was in Guardians of the Galaxy. Ringu. Ringu. Blue Ringu.

Blue Ringu. The blue ring. I'm going back someday. Come what may to do, blue Ringu. Where the fishing boats. Certainly that is true. By the way, this, another by the way, by the other way, I am Scott Ackerman.

By the way, do you know what song that is from? I don't. It's probably from a song called, by the way. Sound familiar? It's sound familiar. It's not by the way. Sounds familiar? God's blood familiar?

All you sang were like basically three notes. So I know. Oh, by the way, I sang three notes, but also sang words. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah, thank you. No, I have no idea. What song is that?

It's the song coming up close by Till Tuesday. Oh, okay. Some of Amy Mann's earlier work. That's right. Of which I am not incredibly, incredibly familiar. Get familiar with it. Really? That album, I love.

It's called, is it called? It's called Weird Till Tuesday and We're Here to Stay. I was walking down the street just the other day. I think it's called Welcome Home. What is the name? I can't remember the name of the album now. I don't know. Engineer, Cody Sam, please look up.

I'll look it up. Amy Mann. Sam, don't worry. I'll take care of this. Paul brought his own computer, by the way. Just to look things up. Speaking of by the way, by the way, I am Scott Ackerman and my co-host

for these best of episodes. This is best of 2017, part three. I was right. Welcome Home. Welcome Home. So it's about The Olive Garden, like a concept album? Yeah. It's all about The Olive Garden.

My favorite track is Your Family. parentheses when you're here. Pastaliano, what was the festival that when I worked at The Olive Garden, I was a waiter at The Olive Garden? Hospitaliano, that's what it was. The Hospitaliano Festival. I thought there was something else

that I remember from the commercials. There was like some sort of pasta, pasta fangu. No, that's not right. That's definitely not right. Pasta up your ass. Paul F. Tompkins is across from me. Welcome Paul. Scott, thank you for welcoming me.

What a pleasure it is to be here. 2018. 2018, let's talk about it. So far? Pop music, yes. So far, so far one of the best years ever. Do you think so? I mean, what's happened, this?

It's one of the 2018 best years ever. Mm-hmm, yes, definitely. Because that's before Christ shit, GTFO before Christ. Before Common Era is what I like to say. Mm, so is that a different way of saying BC is before Common Era, really? But I was always taught too that it stood for Christ.

Is that not? It does. But guess who says it? Our old friends, the Jews. The Jews. The Jews. The Jews. The Jews.

Hey, what do you think about Mike Ditka and the Jews? The Jews. The Jews. Remember David Schwimmer and the people who are socialists himself? How can I forget David Schwimmer? So plaintively, crying Jews, Jews. Oh, okay, that's what you're saying.

The Jews. And we were on a break. The Jews. The Jews. We were on a break. We were on a break. What are we doing? It's a new year.

It's a new year. Yes, true. It is a new year, but we are still counting down. Because of the vagaries of the Judeo calendar, that's the type of calendar we're in, right? Roman calendar. Is this the Julian calendar that we're in? I don't know. I don't know.

Boy, this is common knowledge that we should have. We should know. These are things that a human being should know. But we've been focusing on other things, like who are all the members of New Order and stuff like that. Exactly. Who are they? Bernard, Bernie Sumner, Peter Hook, Hookie, Jerome, Jerome, and then, of course, Josh.

No, because of the way the calendar fell this year, normally we're hitting the next year on our last episode, but we still have a couple left to go in the rest of 2017. The first one fell on Christmas. Go back and listen to that. And then part two was last Thursday, today. Monday falls upon New Year's Day, and we have one more coming up on the fourth. This Thursday will complete our countdown. May it be with you.

Yes, that's right. Yes, that's right. Let them work. I ever tell you, by the way, Mark Hamill wrote to Bob Odenkirk when I was working on Mr. Show. Mr. Show was a semi-popular sketch show from the 90s that I was a writer on. Critically acclaimed. Bob Odenkirk, who's currently on Better Call Saul, was one of the stars.

Calls are in movies now? He's in the post with David. The hell? David and he are buddies in the post. That's a mistake. It's obnoxious. It's obnoxious. Why are we buddies in a thing?

Seriously. What the fuck? It makes no sense. Did you see, in Nick Kroll's animated show, they drew two characters based on us. Are we the voices? Is that true? I think so. Oh, that makes me very angry.

Oh, hell no. How many hours do we have to work together? We've eclipsed everything that Bob and David have done. Seriously. I remember Bob and David did 30 episodes of Mr. Show. That's bullshit. On my third season, I hit 31 to 50. Bye-bye, Bob and David.

Bye-bye, David. What if that should be a character? Bob-bye, David. Bob-bye. Yeah, why not? He's Josh. Oh, Bob-bye, David. Why not?

They're both in the post. Steven Spielberg film. Oh, shit. If you've seen a Steven Spielberg film, you've seen this one. But what are we talking about? Oh, yes. On the show, Mark Hamill, I guess, wrote to Bob and David wanting maybe a son, if he has a son, or a child was interested in the show or maybe he got into the show, I can't

recall. But he wrote requesting videotapes of the current season that we had just completed. And I was pleading with Bob, I said, please include a note that says, may the fourth season be with you. And Bob was like, I'm not going to do that. Come on. Just kind of piss him off. Piss him off.

I'm like, what do you care if we piss off Mark Hamill? He's a great guy, I'm sure. But what do we care? We've never met him. Well, Bob had never met him. It's not like he was his personal friend or anything like that. And I, knowing what we know now about Mark Hamill, where he's like this goofball, lex cool shit, I bet he would have loved it.

He would have loved it. He would have loved it. He would have. He would have loved it. Tell him, fucking Mark Hamill would have loved it. He would have loved that shit. He would have eaten that shit up. If you opened that fucking box and he saw that note in there, you would have fucking

loved it. Open your box, Mark. What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? What if the note said, may the fourth season be with you? And it was just, what if the ball throws head? By the way, spoiler alert for seven, but I don't think people are going to be returning

to seven. You named the movie. It would have been fine if you hadn't named the movie. They suddenly get to what's in the box. I think I remember this from the comedy Bang Bang. No one's going to be going back to seven anymore. Seven is a weird sort of comfort movie. Well, you got, well you got spacey in it now.

Oh, the space. The space. Oh, you got it. You can't watch a movie with the space anymore. You can't watch a movie with the space. Seriously, if it's a classic movie and you didn't know what was going on with space, can you re-watch something with space and have like usual suspects? You know what I mean?

Let's say you gotta hanker and watch K-Packs again. Sure, why not? You're like, I gotta see it. Or pay it forward. The shipping news. The shipping news. The shipping news. The shipping news.

The shipping news. The shipping news. Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice. I don't know. I don't know either, Scott.

I don't know. I don't know. I love Baby Driver. I love Baby Driver. You know? Can we watch that anymore? You want to come over tonight and watch it? Oh, I forgot the spaces in that.

The spacey's great. Spacey's great. We've established. I don't have any plans. That's right. We were talking during the break. I was like, do I need to hustle Paul out of here? And I was like, I think he had plans tonight.

And then I remembered that we had, we had had this scheduled last week or the week before and I felt terribly ill. And you had plans that night. I believe you were going to see the Digiashir artist. Correcto Mundo. Thank you. Fungi. And you have no plans tonight.

So we're going late tonight. What if we did past the countdown? We just did two more apps. Two more apps. I would love it. Got to bank some. How fucking insane will we be? You got to bank some.

You know what? I, what I realized last year when we did these best ofs. By the way, if you've never heard the show before, Paul and I have for years now, maybe six, seven years now have done these countdowns together with Paul, who, if you've never heard the format of the show, I am the host of it and I speak to celebrities. I am the guest of it. But Paul, you're quite often and most of the time playing characters. It's very true.

You're playing fake people. And a lot of what you'll hear on these clips are comedians playing fake people. But last year when we did the best ofs, we did it right directly after the giant two and a half hour Christmas episode. That's right. What a day. What a day indeed. What a day.

What a day it was. Sometimes, and this is not telling tales out of school, but sometimes I'll tape three episodes in a row. That's nuts. And what's weird is the third one is not good. No, you would think the third one would be terrible, but it usually varies. It's usually like, oh man, that middle one was terrible, but the first one, you know, who knows?

Sometimes the punchiness, it's fun. Sometimes it's fun. It's a lot of fun. You're shooting down the walls of Hardink. Bang, bang. I am the warrior. Shooting down the walls of Hardink comedy, bang, bang. She should do a remake.

That's fun. She should do a remake for you. Just for me personally. Yeah. She's just singing it in my face with her onion breath. How much? Why do you assume she has an onion breath? Can I tell you though, there are some, sometimes I see actors on television and I think, I

can't get it out of my head. I bet he has bad breath. Yeah, sometimes. I think about that with just human beings in general. I think it's when people have certain voices. Yeah, like a denihie type. No, you know what? I never thought about his breath, but I will say watching Battlestar Galactica.

The bald... Edward James? Oh no, Edward James almost. I was like, I bet he has bad breath. And Edward James, by the way, we're big fans. We love your work. Absolutely. But...

Stand and deliver. Stand and deliver. Yeah, yeah, your money, all your life. How great would it have been if that film had that song as a theme song? Yeah, it would have been great. And the whole cast sang it at the end. Two cameras, most like the last American version, no wonder I think you have a 40-year-old version.

Yes. Where they sang Age of Aquarius. That's right. That's right. Paul, what's your favorite comedy movie of all time? Of all time? Of all times. You can pick any time period.

Shit. 1981, for instance, would be a time. I feel like you're leading me into something. No, I do know what you picked when I hosted a series at the, well, I can't even mention the Santa family anymore, but I hosted a series where comedians would show their favorite films and we would discuss them afterwards and you remember what you picked. I believe I picked Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Pee Wee's Big Adventure, which is one of the more delightful experiences you'll have in

a movie theater if you see Pee Wee's Big Adventure. It was fun to watch it with a crowd of people laughing and enjoying the film. A lot of people I bet have only seen that film in their living rooms or livings room. Or living spaces. If they went to a living space or if they saw trading spaces and then in trading spaces somehow Pee Wee's Big Adventure was playing and Paige was like, hey, are you excited for trading spaces to come back by the way? The TV show?

No. I've never watched it. Never watched it. That's Chip and Joanna? Probably. Yes. No, just not Chip and Joanna. Which one is them?

Which one is them? Which one is them? Now, which one is them? Which one is them? Which one? Who is them? Now, I do beg your pardon. Which one is them?

Who are we? Are we sort of doing Senator Tankerbell? A little bit. A little bit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, how did Bob ever think of Senator Tankerbell? It's so indelible. I mean, he's probably high.

Right? Those guys must have been so high. They must have been so high. Nope. In fact, it was very difficult. But where are we talking about, oh, yeah, trading spaces, trading, oh, Peewee's Big Adventure. Yes.

Most people have only seen it in their homes and with comedies, a lot of times you can watch a drama in your home and I think still be affected by it, but comedies are great to watch with crowds. So that's what we were trying to do with that film series and it's so much fun to see a film like that with a crowd. Yes. Another one that I enjoy very much is The Wrong Guy with Dave Foley. I showed that as well with Dave Foley and Dave Higgins.

Very funny movie. Yes. And just came out on Blu-ray. Blu-ray, yeah. I got it myself. Check it out. Let's give a plug for that because that's really one of the funnier movies of the 1990s. Comedies are tough because they don't hold up so well and so it's hard for me to remember,

it's hard for me to think of comedies that I liked, say, when I was a kid that I would still say today, oh, this is really funny. I will say in that series, I asked a variety of comedians to do it. I did some of the UCB theater as well and it would run the gamut between people bringing films that they were very familiar with and still held up, such as Tom Lennon brought Man with Two Brains, which is great until the video game part of the end. And then Bob, the aforementioned Bob Odenkirk, Star of the Post, brought Bananas by... I love you Woody Allen.

I mean, I love you, you know. And it ate shit. No one laughed. At all. At all. Wow. And I remember Bob came up afterwards and we were supposed to talk about the film and he was like, well, I mean, obviously I liked that better when I was a kid.

I guess it doesn't hold up. I don't know. And I guess he probably hadn't seen it since then? I don't think that he had seen it since then. I hadn't seen it since maybe I was 16 or something like that and we were like, and this is, you know, before, I mean, it wasn't, you can't even make that excuse. It wasn't before everything went down, but it was before, you know, everyone had turned against Woody Allen.

Everyone's like, oh, cool, Woody Allen Classic. And just did not work. Yeah. It did not work at all. I remember, I used to love Take the Money and Run. I can't imagine, I wonder if it would hold up at all. I think when you're young, as the killer said, you're just so happy that people are being silly.

It's like people being silly in a movie because movies and entertainment in general are just like tedious affairs, you know, with people being very serious. The Supreme Court decision just came in. The Supreme Court decision was Supreme Court. John Kerry reporting for duty. Justice Alito. Just an actor. And your host, Justin Actor.

But movies are so dreadfully serious. So frightfully serious. That when you're a young person like ourselves, where we're just like, come on, and can't everyone lighten up and be funny, you know, you're just delighted by people acting silly. Yeah, because it's, you know, listening to grown-ups talk and it's boring, they talk about the weather. Yeah. Exactly.

You want to see somebody clown around up there. Now, the one adult that talks about the weather that's funny is Dallas Reigns. Of course. Of course, here in Los Angeles. I've august. I don't love him. I don't love him. Fist pump.

What he does is, Dallas Reigns. Dallas Reigns is a local K-A-B-C weatherman. And he's telling you, I'm going to talk about the weather later. These are like three or five second promos for the news that night. Here's some, I'm teasing weather topics I'm going to be discussing. By the way, in Los Angeles, how is that a tease for, oh man, I got to catch that, weather? You know, shouldn't they be teases about like, you know, disaster just happens in whatever. Disaster teases.

Disaster teases. Disaster teases. Disaster teases. So then at the end, when he says, at 11, he reaches out with his hand, he grabs some air, makes a fist, and turns it around and shakes it at the camera. And shakes it like, like, I got you, air. Triumph. You're not going to escape the fist of Dallas Reigns.

Infectious. Sixth Emperor, Tyrannus. He's great. Catch. There must be a supercut out there of Dallas Reigns. Oh, I hope so. He's great. And by the way, Dallas Reigns, if you're listening, we'd love to have you on the show.

And Paulie, you're going to look up supercut Dallas Reigns. And you're going to look up supercut Dallas Reigns. Supercut Dallas Reigns. What if it's just pictures of him looking supercut? Just like a, like a 12 pack. Damn, Dallas Reigns. Damn, Dallas Reigns. He's a good looking man.

He's, for what he is, which is a man, he's good looking. You're right. Dallas Reigns. Damn, Dallas Reigns. Daniel. Damn. What are you, uh, take us through the, damn, damn. You got it again with the white vans.

That's weird. Why were you doing that before? Was that on an episode? I don't remember. I think so. Damn, Daniel. It was John, John Hurt doing that. Damn, damn.

Damn, damn. You got it again with the white vans. It makes me laugh. I don't even know if I've ever seen the original Damn Daniel video, but that makes me laugh. I know what it is because I'm plugged in to popular culture. What do you got? You got a supercut? Doesn't look like it.

Really? Not even a single, like. Doesn't look like it. No. Yeah. What, what weather forecast? My seven days series at 11. It's weird that there's so many clips of him.

Really? Of this weather man. Yeah. It's strange. There's a lot of clips, but not the clips of the promos. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Or you're just looking.

What are they clips of? Describe some of these clips. It is honestly like, here's one latest weather with Dallas Raines. That was posted a year ago. Why would someone post the weather? Well, it's like the, the website, I guess the ABC7 website posts them, but then they just leave them up. They leave these.

Come on. It's eating up your bandwidth. Bandwidth is a precious. Come on. This was Dallas Raines 30th anniversary forecast. I think he did special anniversary weather. Yeah. It's just, hey, all of it rains.

Happy anniversary to me. Dallas Raines praising God for the weather. Okay. That, that I want to hear. Can you play some of that? FSU. Some university. Hey, FSU.

Son of a bitch. Oh, somebody posted something called funny weather. And did they just saw him and was like, that's a funny weather. Oh, he does a lot of different hand gestures. A lot of fist pumps. It's almost like the, it's, you can plug that in by the way. If you want the, the ox core. I might.

It's, well, you know what? This is kind of the super cut of him doing it. Okay. Where'd it go? Where did it go? Where did it go? Where? Where did it go?

Where did it go? Where did it go? Where did it go? Where did it go? Where did it go? Where did it go? Where, where did it go? Where did it go?

All right. We're going to plug it in. Plug it in. Plug it in. What'd it do? All right. What do we got? Here's Dallas Reigns.

Is that turned up, my man? All right. Here we go. Dallas Reigns. Dallas Reigns under the, under the caption funny weather man. Which is accurate. Posted by BBFlyman. BBFlyman.

Is it plugged in? Okay. It is plugged in. So shut the fuck up. Okay. So here's what he does. It is a three part gesture. Three part gesture.

One part. He points. Then he puts his, all his fingers out. Okay. Then he does the fist. Points. Points. Then flat hands.

Points with one finger, flat hand, and then the fist. Then the fist. Yeah. Do you remember Caesar Romero in Ocean's 11? Didn't, didn't we see that together? Yes. He did the thing. I'm going to marry his mama.

And he does the flat hands and snaps with it. He snaps somehow. Yeah. It's a weird. Snaps and does the, does the flat hand. The flat. Everyone knows who he means by the flat hand. That's palm down.

Palm down. Ass up. That's the way you like to fuck. That's the way you like to fuck. The flat hands, obviously. Caesar Romero does it. Do you remember when CJ Craig did the flat hand in the office? No.

Everyone gathered around. Oh yes. CJ's doing the flat hand. The flat hand. Oh, the flat hand. Oh, my greatest ambition is to do something as good as the jackal. Why don't you just do the jackal? I should just do the jackal.

Did you hear, Scott? I'm going to do the jackal. You should do, you should just do it and put it on YouTube. Just you in an office. Just me doing the. Lip syncing to the jackal. Barely any movement. I've never even heard that song, the jackal.

I never had either. If you don't know what we're talking about, we're talking about the jackal. Anyway. I hope that clears it up. Go fuck yourself. So we got a point. We got a flat hand. Point.

Flat hand. Then the Tiger Woods. The Tiger Woods. It's not even a fist pump like Tiger Woods. It's just a. No, it's not a pump. It's a victory. We're doing it.

It's almost like you squashed a bug and you're taunting it. It's like you squashed a bug. Squashed a bug, turning it. Bug swat. Dallas Reigns, look him up. He's one of America's greatest treasures. Dallas Reigns, look him up. Thank me later.

Love to have you on the show, Dallas, if you're listening. Love to have you, Dallas. Fritz Coleman. No, sir. You are cordially disinvited. I hate to diss Fritz Coleman, but I once was watching my public access on cable. Just the other day? Back in just the other day.

I was walking down the street strangely enough. And I, uh, it was public access and they were showing, this is in the 90s. They were showing his one man show. It's me, dad. Is that what it's called? It's me, dad. Have I ever told you about it? You've seen it then.

I've seen it. Yes. You've seen it. Okay. I used to have a VHS copy of it. Mama. So the very end, all I saw was the very end. I tuned in and saw the heart breaking moment of it where it's getting.

I'm sure it wasn't funny because he's a stand up comedian, right? Yes. Was it supposed to be a funny, you know, like hearted. It was a serial comic. Right. But the very end is where, you know, in every one man show, a little rain must fall. It's very true. And as the tears do, and he was, he was talking to his unborn son, I believe, or his son.

Stillborn son? Hey, wake up. Wake up. It's like slapping him. I'm Fritz. I said it would be like this. I'm Fritz. No, he's talking, he's talking to a kid who either is about to be born or he's, he's

leaving this whole show right as a testament to his child. Something like that. Something like that. Don't remember. And I remember the, this is the very end of the show. And he's saying like, when I look at you, you literally rip my heart out of my chest. I was like, stop looking at him. Fritz, this has gone through rehearsals, dress rehearsals, enough performances where

it's been a success enough that someone says, hey, let's film this. Yeah. And no one has ever said to you, you don't mean literally, by the way. Your baby is not literally ripping your heart. You figuratively ripped the heart out of my chest. Which does not sound good. No, it doesn't sound good. But Fritz.

For that reason? For that reason you are just invited. Dallas, hit us up. What's weird is that show opens with, he's got a mouth full of blood. He does? Really? Yeah. You're going to say like a mouth full of beans or?

Just pouring out of the corner of his mouth. And then he says, oh, hello, I didn't see you there. Oh, what's this? Oh, I seem to be bleeding from the mouth. Does he like put on other hats? And I feel bad, I feel bad talking about a living person who someone, look, don't be a Twitter snitch. Don't write to Fritz.

Yeah, don't be a Twitter snitch. And say that we talked about him and then he listens and I feel bad. Like Fritz, you've been a part of my life for decades. That's right. Not that I watch the news. Every single day. But you know what I mean? Like you're a cultural icon at this point here in Los Angeles.

It wouldn't be the same without you. It wouldn't be. And you don't need two jerks like us who are just, you know, want to be comedians, you know, sitting around talking shit about you. You're a success. You're, I wonder how much money. Well, let's look them up on comediannetworth.com. All that said though.

Can you do it, Sam? Look up celebrity. What after? Celebrity network. I feel bad talking about Fritz. Honestly, let's look up how much money. I have had the experience several times over the past couple of weeks and I realized it, where I've felt worried about celebrities.

And I felt like, oh no, I hope they're, I hope they're doing okay. I hope they have enough money. And I've looked them up on celebrity networks to be like, oh God, I hope they're okay. And the aforementioned Danny Aiello is one of them. Danny Aiello. I saw Danny Aiello. Was that what I wanted? No, you were not.

But I saw Danny Aiello in an older film that I was watching and I went, oh no. Is Danny Aiello still with us? All right. Possible. Was that Hudson Hawk? I wish. Fritz Coleman. Look up Fritz Coleman.

No results. No results. Fritz, are you okay? Has he been erased? Oh no. Fritz Coleman, no results. Has he been erased from the internet? We're the only people that remember Fritz Coleman.

Oh no. Maybe we're crazy. No, but Danny Aiello, I was like, oh God, is he dead? I looked him up, not dead. And then I thought, he hasn't done anything for, and he used to be in everything. Yeah. Every movie that you saw in the late 80s through the 90s, it was a quality film if Danny Aiello was in it.

Once around, he's great in that. He plays Holly Hunter's dad, which two very dissimilar actors, you can't see the lineage. Was he in Proboros Akairo? Was he? I believe, yeah. He did a woody. He did a woody. But then I realized, if he's still around, why hasn't he done anything?

He did do a movie last year, 2017. But I started getting very worried, like, oh shit, is he okay? And I looked him up on Celebrity Net Worth. I'm like, God, I hope Danny Aiello isn't scrambled. Aiello isn't scrounging around for money. He's an older gentleman. Maybe he's in firm and he can't work anymore. How much engineer Sam, how much does Danny Aiello have in the bank?

But you're the only person who pronounces his name that way, by the way. What is Aiello? Aiello. Aiello. It's like Nick Wilder with Cameron Diaz. Diaz. Well, you know, for a long time, I was saying Gal Gadot, and everyone would laugh at me, and now people have finally come around that that's how you say it.

Is it Gadot? It's Gadot, yeah. And anytime I would say people would go, huh, thinking I was making a joke. And I'm like, no, that's how it's pronounced. What do we got with Danny Aiello? Celebrity? Three million. Three million?

He's got three million. He's fine. He's fine. Although I will say, I think my net worth is estimated at over a million or two million or something like that. That isn't not true. But maybe it's just, you know, what you got floating out there. You know what I mean?

It's an estimate based on all the time that I have been alive and working. I actually think it's based on debt. Factoring in like, he probably had a paper route. Did you ever have a paper route? Never did. I did. The register, Orange County register. Not fun.

You know that whole scam of where they make you pay for the papers that, you know, like you're supposed to, as a kid, keep great track of how many actual papers you need delivered, and you're supposed to cancel the paper for people who cancel. What? Do you not? No. Okay. So this is a big part of paper routes or routes is that the register makes the person

who delivers the papers order the amount of papers, and then you sell it to the people. And you're responsible for paying for these papers no matter what. So if someone stiffs you, your problem, you should have collected. If you did not cancel their paper, or if there was a mistake of, you know, like, oh man, I ordered, you know, nine papers too many. That's your problem. You have to pay for it. And they charge you, oh, I'm getting some late breaking information from engineer Cody

Sam. Uh-oh. Heightweightnetworth.com says for Fritz Coleman, how much do you think? And what website is this, heightweightnetworth.com? What do you think a Fritz Coleman should, like, what's, what's fair, what's fair, what's fair. What's his weight? His height weighs 190.

He's a thin gentleman. He's a thin gentleman. What do you think he has and what do you think is just and, and what do you think he's worth? Like, if you were to hear what amount would you go like, yeah, I can see that he's been working for a while. That's what he's, that's what he deserves. 12 million dollars. Is what he deserves or what he has?

What he has. And what do you think he deserves? One million dollars. What is surprise you, sir, to say that heightweightnetworth.com? How wet is he? Did I see a wet? Soaking? Splash mountain level of wetness.

20 million dollars for Fritz Coleman. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that's too much. You did it! That's too much. That's too much, Fritz. Now I don't feel bad. Get the fuck out of here, Fritz. You are re-disinvited.

Re-disinvited. Does not list height or weight, apparently. Too bad. So sad. I bet I'm right, though. I bet you are right. Does not list amount of wetness, either. Okay, we need to get to our countdown, Paul.

I forgot about that. Yeah, we're doing a countdown here. I forgot about the countdown. And that leads us to, today we're going to be counting down episodes. And by the way, you all voted for this. The eligibility period is Thanksgiving of 2016 through Thanksgiving of 2017. It's not a calendar year. It's, that's the year.

It gives us time to tally up the votes and prepare the clips. And so this is what you all voted on. I mentioned it before. Over 40,000 votes for these episodes and some tight, tight races on our, on our previous episodes, some tight races. I will say one through eight, we're, we're pretty consistent from the very beginning of the countdown. They did not move.

They were by, by large, they were the most popular episodes. So this final eight, there's no doubt about it. No doubt about it. I will love these apps. There is a disparity of votes between eight and nine, where I would say nine through 20, nine through 23 were all very close. Sometimes even one vote between them determined their ranking out of 40,000. Isn't that crazy?

Sometimes one vote. Crazy. But one through eight were solidly since the beginning of the voting through the end of voting, the most popular episodes. And do they remain in those positions? They remained in their order. Yeah. Exactly.

So these, there is no dispute about these eight. This is their undeniable ranking. If I'm not in any of these, I'm going to be very angry. You might not be in any of these, but let's, let's find out. Okay. Well, I'm already getting this. Let's get to it. This is your episode eight.

Number eight. All right. Episode eight. We were just talking about, what were we just talking about? I know we have a lot of topics, but we were talking about something that C.J. Craig. The Jackal. The Jackal, of course.

Now, what does that make you think of? Well, it makes me think of a time when we were in this very room. This very room. With some very special people. That's right. And those people, it will not surprise you to learn after giving you that hint are the stars of this episode. This is episode 478 from March 27th, an episode called Spank Me with a Feather.

That's right. Spank me with a feather. Now let's, let's do a roll call of who we have. Obviously we have, Paul F. Tompkins was here. Here, present. We have Lauren Lapkus. This is her second appearance on the countdown. Absent.

The two of you were playing Chasmin and Sonny. Yes. We have two people who I mentioned on an earlier episode. There are people who are on TV shows who sometimes stumble across the show and they become fans and they want to be on it. And these two are no exception to that rule. We have from Orphan Black, we have Tatiana Maslani and Christian Brun. That's right.

The dream team combo. Yes, indeed. Two great people who became friends on Orphan Black, Tatiana played the titular Orphan Black. I don't even know if that's true. Yeah, sure. Maybe it was. Was she called Orphan Black on it?

I don't know. Yes. No. She played a variety of characters. The phrase Orphan Black to my knowledge. Was it ever spoken? You know what? I still haven't seen the final season.

I haven't seen the final season either. I have a downloader and I haven't watched it yet. As do I, my good dear boys. But Christian played one of the clones' husband and they became fast friends. Yes. They love hanging out together. And they're a very, they're a very good comedy team on the show. They were very funny.

They played, the characters that they played, he played the husband of the funniest clone. Oh, the husband. Oh, the husband. We've talked about that on previous episodes. And they've done the show several times and they, I don't know, even know how long they've been listening to it, but they listen to a lot. And that's always fun when an Emmy winner and a guy who was sitting next to her or near her.

And by the way, he's on a different show. Like she only had the one show. Yeah. He had two shows he was juggling. He was Constable Johnstable. Constable Johnstable on the, the, the art of murder. The art of, of, of, hey, manslaughter. It's a bad deal.

And he just, and spoilers for any fans of that show, whatever it was, he, he went out, he died in a hail of bullets on that show. So he's, he's no longer on that. Yeah. All of them to the face. All of them, right? He's just like pizza face. It was, it was, it was something like 70 bullets to the face.

So he's no longer on that show, but he's on some other show or something. And then she, he was on, he was on, he was on, he was on, he was on, he was on, he was on Handmaid's Tale. Was he on Handmaid's Tale? Yes, he was. He was on Handmaid's Tale. What do you play on it? He plays a creepy doctor.

Ah, that's really, that's his wheelhouse. Creeps. We like to tease him. We like to tease Christian. We hang out socially. We know he's listening. We know he's listening. He's a loser.

That's the thing. We know he's listening. We know this loser listens to the show. Tatiana, she probably dips in and out. But Christian, Christian is like waiting for midnight for these things to drop. I'd lose her. And Christian, of course, like he joined us on tour in Toronto and so much fun. Great guy.

We had dinner at the keg mansion. And I mentioned the jackal because this, I don't know whether it was this episode, but we all watched the jackal. It was this episode. It was this episode. Because also Mary Holland. Mary Holland is here as Janice Cramps as well. It was a very special episode for me.

But, but I think there was one the previous year with Janice Cramps as well. Was that the previous year? I think it was the previous year. I think this is the second one that she plays Janice Cramps in. What was her thing the second time? She did not have the baby. We'll hear it. But this is her second appearance as Janice Cramps.

This is blowing my mind. Yes. It's, I mean, like we said, this year went by very quickly. But this is the time that we watched the jackal. I believe this is the time we watched the jackal. It came up off-mic and some people had not seen it. So we watched it. So we watched it.

I posted a picture on Instagram. Of everyone who mouths the gate. Yes. Yeah. So we're not going to hear that part of it. Go back and listen to it. But we are going to hear, this is Paul and Lauren as Chasman and Sonny who are a, have been on several episodes before.

They are a couple of radio personalities. Morning DJs. Morning DJs. Based in Washington, DC. Based in Washington, DC who do a show personally for the president every morning. And parts of Asia. Parts of Asia. I forgot about that.

So this is Spank Me With a Feather. Great episode. This is your episode eight. Number eight. They've been on the show a few times before. That's right. That's right. They are, of course, a morning duo.

Of course we are. Of course we are. In the market of Washington, DC. And around the world. No, but mainly DC. That's right. Washington, DC. And I think almost all of Asia.

That's right. Almost all of Asia. Which is a lot of the world. Please welcome back to the show Chasmin and Sonny. Hi, Daddy. Hello, everyone. Scott, thanks for having us back on your program. We love it here.

We do. Do you really? Thank you so much. Yes. It's a safe place for us. We're scared. It feels good in our blankies. We're in a big snuggie right now.

That's right. You could have knocked me over with a feather when you guys hopped in. We tried to. You brought several feathers over here. And a really big one from an ostrich. It pecked me on the head. Boy, doof today. Doof, it said.

Dinf. Out. Do you guys remember? I went cross-eyed. How are you? Wait a minute. There are cartoon birds floating above your head. How are you achieving this?

Achieving? Make it stop. This is not your doing. This is not Sunny's doing. She has a rare disorder. Some sort of cartoon disorder? Yeah. Well, I'm no doctor, but what happens is,

sometimes cartoon birds appear above her head that other people can see. And he sometimes plays doctor on the radio. It's true. Wait a minute. I have to look into people's pants. I'm not wearing any. You're looking over here. That's right.

So you're safe from me. You're looking over here at Sunny and you're imagining a big turkey. Sunny. Me? No, I mean, Sunny, you're looking at Christian. Yes, I'm hungry. How do you know what Sunny is imagining? Because it's visible to who?

Much like her cartoon birds, it's visible to other people. What you don't see is that you have lipstick and a dress on. Do you guys remember? Bravo, boom. Do you guys remember Christian and Tatiana over here? Oh, of course. We remember all the people we've blessed with our presents. Let's run them down.

Who do you got? Them. Them. Every president of the United States since John F. Kennedy. Including Trump. That's right. Now we have a new president, so you guys have, of course, performed for him. He requests very specific programming.

Exactly. He's the only one who's ever installed a call-in number for our station. As you know, there's a radio in the White House that's broken. And so it only gets our program. Right. So the president must listen to us. Yes, no choice. Right.

This has all been talked about on previous episodes. Yes, but this... I know. We like to explain. But... It's fun. This president's got a very specific request. Yes.

He called us up and said, Please, will you tell me bedtime stories in the middle of the day? Oh, so he likes to take a nap in the middle of the day? No, he remains wide awake. But he likes to hear bedtime stories. Yes. He puts a blanket over him when you do that. We don't see him.

We can't see anyone. We're both legally blind. This is a new wrinkle. What? Is it? We've never discussed this before? What? I do wear thick glasses, but I'm legally blind.

I wear actual Coke bottles with arms on them. They're protruding out. Wait, with arms? They're Pewe Herman doll arms. That's right. They used to say something, but the string broke. So he made a new thing. That's right.

Glasses. So how did you guys get... Was it just a deterioration of your eyes? It was a monumentous deterioration of our eyes. It was just monumentous. I remember we were sitting under the blanket. We were trying to read a coloring book. Yes.

First of all, not colorful enough. It was very dull. First complaint, only black and white. Just seemed like line drawings. I didn't understand the point. Why did they call it coloring book? And then I remember trying to read what was written underneath the picture, which I could barely make out. And I turned to Sonny and I said, Sonny, can you make heads or tails of this?

And Sonny said, I can't make heads or tails of my own body. And then I farted from my mouth. That was a separate issue. Things are mixed up in there. As you can see, my heart's on the outside. Right. Yeah, I can't see that. If it stops, do you want me to reach over and just pump it a few times?

Sure. He'd love that. He's very perverted. Sonny, can I ask, how do you defecate? Well, here I go. There she goes, like a champ. On command, at least. Let it be said, I did not command you.

He texted me. Can we do something about the little poop that just fell out on the table? You want it? No, no, maybe like Sonny will sign that for you. I'll sign it with perfume. What does that mean? She's got a perfume pen. I actually started a company.

Perfume pen. It's a perfume company. We started it together. He's modest. That's right. I'm the CEO and COO. We used America's favorite scent. Which is?

Shit. So you're going to sign the little shit with shit smell. That's right. Signature shit. It smells a lot like real shit. Why do you think that's America's favorite scent? Have you been there? Have you ever been to America, Scott?

Take a look around. You're not very cultured. Take a look around with your nose. You'll find that the smell of shit is everywhere in the United States. It's President Trump's favorite scent. Oh, really? Yeah. He loves it dookie in his mouth.

Doof. Every bedtime story we tell him has to end with, and then the guy ate shit. And then he says, no, I'm happy. Interesting. The interesting things you hear about, you know, historical facts about our presidents.

So interesting. It's interesting the things you hear about historical facts about our presidents. You can't predict them at all. So guys, it's so good to see you. I mean, I believe we first met when Tatiana and Christian, you were here. Is that right?

Can that be possible? Yeah. That is possible. I'll take your word for it. It's true. We'll submit Scarstail. Sonny, I'll take your word for it too. Is Scarstail your manager here?

Oh, yeah. Oh, he's not here. Scarstail our producer. He's not here right now. Not right now. Who knows what he could show? Anything can happen. What have you guys been up to?

I mean, obviously Trump's in the White House now, so you have added duties, but no kidding. You said it. But what's going on with the show? Are there changes for 2017? Well, we were a little worried about the ratings, so we decided to just mix things up a little bit. And so we brought someone else on board

to just kind of be our foil. You know how it works on radio shows? You have the two people who are the main people, and then you have a third person. Like a dumb person. Yeah, you can actually do without them. They just served to make the other two people, the main two people look good.

Right. Yeah, you could just make fun of them. So who is this person? Well, his name is... Grover. Scarstail? Grover Scarstail. Grover Scarstail.

Oh, no. I thought I heard Scarstail. No, his last name is... What a coincidence. No, his name is Grover Scarstail, but it's just his last name. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Is this Scarstail? No. No. Go slow down. Stop. No. Stop. No.

Stop. Very different stuff. No. I'm sorry. You got to listen. Stop. Silence. I'm sitting.

Hey. Put a bone in his mouth. His panting. And thank you later. Okay, I'll sit down. Dump. I'll sit down. Here's the thing.

Scarstail's first name is Scarstail. Grover Scarstail's last name is... Is Scarstail. Grover Scarstail. Oh, what's his first name? Scarstail. Scarstail. Grover Scarstail.

It's a little confusing. Okay. So we have a producer's name is Scarstail, and then our foil's name is... Scarstail. Grover Scarstail. Grover Scarstail. What is Scarstail's last name?

Who? Your producer, Scarstail. Scarstail. Scarstail. Scarstail. Scarstail. And Scarstail. Grover Scarstail.

Yes. That's okay. And so they're not related. Different last names. Oh, very interesting. And does Scarstail have actual scars? Or do you... Either of them, I guess.

Well, we do. We had a knife fight last week in our vault. Oh, gosh. On the weekends, we sleep in a vault. It got very contentious when we found an Olympic gold medal, and both of us wanted to keep it. That's right. What was it for?

What event? It was Bruce Jenner's triathlon medal. I don't know who Bruce Jenner is. He was a man who ran in the Olympics. Oh, okay. Yeah, someone in history who doesn't exist anymore. Yes. Okay, right.

I mean, if you want... Wait, wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. Everyone. Hold on, PC crowd. Please. Should I have said it was Caitlyn Jenner's medal?

Yes. Okay, I'm sorry. It's a whole new world, and we're old-fashioned people. Bruce won it. We're trying to navigate the rules. What do you want? We're trying to navigate the rules. We're just trying to be right.

I didn't realize that we erased... I'm sorry, Caitlyn. Caitlyn won it. Back then. We just want to make sure that we're being... You know, you can't get anything right these days. Okay, I'm... Look, I...

What you're not supposed to say is, President eats poo? Is that bad? Am I punished? Do you want to be punished? Loved me up and spanked me with the feather. Very ineffective. I don't like being spanked.

There you go. Well, I apologize. So you guys were fighting over this medal... Yes. ...for a triathlon or something? Yeah, we both wanted it. Because it's worth a lot of money. Okay, sure.

It's our retirement plan. And then we stabbed each other. Several times. Mm-hmm. Where? Mostly the abdomen. Yep. Few times in the face.

Got me in the neck. Oh, yeah. Look at that. God. It's a perfect circle. He used a pencil. It was a knife fight, but at times we did switch it up with pencils.

Really? It was getting too dangerous. Well, you know, we're at a bank, so they had very pointy, pointy, always sharpened pencils. You know how banks have tons of pencils? Sure. Yeah.

This is a typical bank. Yeah. Filled with sharpened pencils. Number eight. Okay, episode eight. Okay. So fun. Paul, you made it back on the countdown.

Well, I'm glad. This is your fourth episode. Okay. In the top 16. Congratulations. Is it my final? It may be. I don't want to give it...

By the way, if this is your first episode, Paul does not know what the countdown consists of and what episodes are where and where they are in the rankings, which leads to wonderful surprises some years and one year, maybe last year. Bitter disappointments. Bitter disappointments.

Now, if I'm not in the final seven episodes... Right. I'm going to be very angry. Okay. Should I tell you now? No. No. Okay, but you're just going to be angry.

I'm telling you now. Oh, shit. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we are going to have an episode which has become a yearly tradition. Every once in a while, we have... I know what this is.

Oh, every once in a while, we'll do an episode every single year around the same time. And we have one of those. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Happy New Year. It's not just what Frosty the Snowman says when he comes to life. It's what we're all going to be experiencing

in just a few days. Well, support for today's show comes from Squarespace because they know if you're ready to start your new business, why wait for the new year to set your plans into action? Why? Why bother? Do it now. Do it now.

Do it now. Do it now. The future is coming. You can make it brighter with Squarespace. Squarespace has beautiful templates. That's one thing. If you're going to have a website up there on the Internet, you don't want it looking kind of shabby.

You know what I mean? You want it to be sparkling. You want it to be new. You want these beautiful websites that Squarespace has created using world-class designers. That's right. They don't get any jerk to go create these templates. They get world-class designers to do it,

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It's all optimized for mobile right out of the box. There's no box, by the way, I don't think. That's an interesting question. I would love Squarespace to answer that for me. Is there a box? Do you get a box sent to you? Sometimes, you know, these kids on Christmas, they spend more time playing with a box

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use the offer code BANGBANG to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That is Squarespace.com, offer code BANGBANG. Comedy Bang Bang, Paul F. Tompkins is over here. Comedy Bang Bang, Paul F. Tompkins. That makes sense. Comedy Bang Bang, Paul F. Tompkins. Yeah.

Kapal, Kapal, Kapal. Kaskap. Welcome back. We're counting down your top 16 episodes this year of 2017, and we just heard episode number eight with Tatiana and Christian from Wharf and Black, and I hear that movie stronger. She's really good in. I read a review.

I never got to see it. About the Boston Marathon bombing? Yeah, it's the pre-Fontaine, where two movies, the Deep Impact to the Armageddon. Right. Where Patriots Day. So they were stronger than Patriots Day, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

For some reason, they were just like, they came out at the same time. I hear she's very good in that. I want to check it out. I'll always go with the Mark Wahlberg choice, though. Yeah, that's true. If it's a thing where it's like Wahlberg or what's his nuts, who is this guy anyway?

I don't know. Jason Bourne? Heyman? Jason Bourne? Jason Bourne. Who's starting this film? What's his name? Jason Link?

Jason Link? LinkedIn? LinkedIn, Jason LinkedIn. Yeah. Always go with a wall. What about this All the Money in the World, right? Where they replaced Kevin Spacey with Christopher Plummer. Yeah.

But they left Mark Wahlberg in there. Yeah, what the fuck? It's like, hey, if you're going back in. Look, if you're rolling up your shirt sleeves, take walls out of this. Right. But he's wearing glasses, so I think he's playing a smart person. I don't know.

I, you know, when he asked for forgiveness for Boogie Nights. He asked for forgiveness. Yeah, he said that he hopes God forgives him for making Boogie Nights. Come on, man. There's so many other things. Yeah, about it. There's good vibrations. Gotcha.

There's your Calvin Klein ad. There's your third nipple. He has a third nipple. Yes. Where? On his chest. Chest? Yeah.

Is he right in the center? No, not right in the center. Oh, that's a dream. I think it's like under one of his pectorals. God damn it. I like it. It means he's a creature from hell. Speaking of hell, let's hear a hell of a good episode.

Thank you. Pulling my fat from the fire. Spill in. Spill in. This is your episode seven. Number seven. All right. Episode seven.

I mentioned before the break that this has become a yearly tradition. Yes. And you said you thought you knew what it was. I thought I did. What is your guesstimation? I'm not going to say. Uh-oh. You tell me what it is and then I'll tell you what I thought it was.

I will tell you. I'll tell you it is an episode from April 10th. Does that give you any? No. Episode 481, much like our last episode. These were pre-episode 500. And usually in April, what comes out in April on HBO, but it is a little show called Silicon Valley.

Oh, sure. Okay. Was that what you were thinking? No, it was not. Yeah, you were not thinking of that. No, it was not. I was thinking of something else. This is an episode called Silicon Valley Pooh Crew 3.

And now what happens every year is three of the stars of Silicon Valley, you have Camille Nonjiani, who also was in The Big Sick this year. A great film in my top 10 of the year. You have Martin Star. We know him from so many... How many great shows has Martin Star been on? Silicon Valley, Freaks or Geeks. And Party Down.

Like those three. And Party Down. Can you imagine having a career where you're on three of the greatest comedies? How about LaVar Burton, my friend, who was on Star Trek, Reading Rainbow and Roots? Well, I mean, yeah, Roots, I guess counts. Did you... Did you show? I mean, it was a miniseries.

It's not a show show. I was on television more than one episode. When did you see Roots for the first time? When I was a child. Really? A little boy? Yes, I was a little boy. Just a little, little wee laugh.

I was around my short pants. I had a slingshot in my pocket. You had mustache aspirations. Mustache aspirations. We sat in high school. No, sorry, junior high. Junior high. And I honestly, maybe I was a dumb kid or just self-centered or, you know, grew up in

Orange County and in lower middle class. I mean, my parents were simple country folk, but... You were like, why don't we have slaves now? No, I didn't. I guess I knew... What a great system. That's when the country was last good. Roy Moore.

Get the fuck out of here, Roy Moore. Families stick together. Did... I... Oh, there's a... Engineer Cody Sam is showing me his third nipple. That's right. And by the way...

Mark Wahlberg. It's not Sam's. By the way, you have a text from Brett Moore saying, nice. Thanks. Did you send him that picture? Yeah, interesting. Nice. Thanks.

Got a little J.O. material. I guess when I saw Roots, I knew that... I guess I knew technically what slaves... That there was slavery or whatever, but I don't know. I just... I didn't know the ins and outs of it, I guess. You know what I mean? No, but I guess I didn't know about the capturing and the ships, and boy, it was eye openings.

Check out Roots if you... If you want a little more info about a terrible time in United States history. But is that possible that I could have spent 12 years on the planet without really, like, kind of technically know... No, that's absolutely possible. Sure. Just technically knowing what slavery was. I don't know if I could grasp.

I mean, I... I don't know. I don't know when I became aware of slavery. Yeah. You know? But I mean, like, I guess up till then I had thought, like, oh, it was... It's like employees that you forced to be there, or, like, maybe that was the extent of what I thought about it, but I never thought about, like, well, how do they get them?

How, you know, terrible stuff. But LeVar Burton, great in that. Terrific. He should be in something else, shouldn't he? Yeah, he should be. He's terrific. We should put him in something. Or I don't know what I mean is people should put us in something.

Why aren't they fucking doing this? Moving on from slavery to solipsism. Glad we got back on track. Silicon Valley, Poo Crew 3, what happens every year, and this is the third year in a row when Silicon Valley comes rolling round. These three gentlemen are nice enough to promote it, and Zach Woods is nice enough to ignore all emails regarding it. I heard that he does not like to do podcasts.

I heard that too. Who knows? It's a shame. It's not a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. And he's such a great improviser. Have you ever improvised on stage with him? No, never have, and I never will.

That's a good policy. Because, no, I mean... It's honest. I've been in some shows, mainly Ben Schwartz's improv shows where... Snopants. Snopants, yeah. I last did one with Adam Scott. It was the two of us together.

And, man, he's good. He's... Yeah, that's what I hear. He's one of these improvisers. Seth Morris is like this, where a lot of improvisers kind of... Their minds go to the same kind of things. Pee-pee, poo-poo. Poo-poo, dicks, pussies.

But Zach Woods, man, the things he thinks of on stage are like it's from another... It's so fully realized and from another dimension. Wish he would do the show. He did the TV show. He was great on the TV show. But these three, Kumail, Martin and Thomas, come on the show. And Kumail has been on many, many times. Martin Star has been on a few times as well.

But what really... What we all love to happen is... Thomas Middleditch, who's another great improviser, just basically comes in and goes nuts. And does insane characters that he hasn't really worked on. I believe the first time we did it on the very first one of these yearly traditions, he didn't even know we had to do a character. And we just said, just do it. And it was this insane person.

And this episode is no exception. He plays Don Donaldson, who is an entrepreneur. And then it gets even crazier towards the end. I don't want to spoil it. Let's just hear it. This is your episode seven. This is Silicon Valley Poo Crew 3. Number seven.

Please welcome to the show Don Donaldson. Hi, everybody. Pleasure to be here. It's our pleasure to have you. This is Kumail. Okay, not familiar. What's wrong with your eyes? They burn. They burn or you have a burn?

My eyes burn. Nothing wrong with that. Just right now or all the time. Pretty consistently burning, yes. Do you mean like burning like they itch or do you mean like literal flames? They burn, damn it. What do you mean? What do you mean literal flames?

Do you see flames coming out of my eyes? Sometimes flames are hard to discern with a human eye. You can't tell when a flame is there. Sometimes they're see-through. Hey, buddy, remind me never to go to your house. Okay. Oh, are you okay? Wake up, wake up.

Oh my God, he fell asleep. When I laugh, I fall asleep. When you laugh, you fall asleep. What a horrible life you must have. That sucks. That was a laugh. Were you able to go see Trainwreck? Were you able to go see Trainwreck?

The movie or the book? Either. Would you go see a book? I just thought he was getting caught up on the vernacular. Oh, you thought it was my mistake. Yes, I didn't want to embarrass you. Okay, thank you. I appreciate that.

Yeah. This is Martin, by the way. Hi. Hi. How are you? Great. Good, good. Great to meet you.

I'm Scott. Great to meet you too. Yeah, welcome to the show. Great. If you need you guys, by the way, if any of you guys need a sort of like an air filter. Sort of like an air filter? An air purifier for your home. Needs sort of an air purifier.

Well, I was shopping online on Amazon.com and I saw these air filters, purifiers, you know, big units that you could put in your home plug-in and get nice air. Sure. I thought I could make one of those. Oh, you made it. Oh. Yeah, I got a bucket and some hoses and a bunch of sponges and if you breathe right through the hose, you get nice, clean air.

And mine are only 25 bucks. Okay. As opposed to the ones that are hundreds of dollars. Hundreds. You get two of them. You could easily rack up a thousand dollar bill and you're going to need two for your whole home. How many of yours do we need for the whole home?

Four to six. Okay. So, but that's still 150 bucks. But will you say you have to? I didn't come here to do math. Yeah. Does it depend on how many house guests you have? Because everyone needs their own hose.

Yeah. You need to breathe in. You need to carry it around. But it's a communal experience. You've been to a hook-a-bar, no doubt. Yeah. Good. Good.

So we're all on the same page. We're all speaking the same language, aren't we? Yeah, we are. Good. So you've been to a hook-a-bar. It's okay. I'm fine. You're fine.

You're fine. You're in a safe place. You're in a safe place. I'm sorry. I'm excited is my point. Okay. Because the way your point is full of opportunities. Your point is you're excited?

That's my point. The world is full of opportunities. True. For an entrepreneur, do you mean? Yes. Entrepreneur, inventor. Oh, are you an inventor? I've applied to be on Shark Tank, haven't I?

How would we know? Have you? Yeah. I don't know. The answer is not yet. Okay. Well, let us know when you do. I will.

All right. You an email. There is a scott.comedypingbong.com. Do you write emails or did you invent something that's different than email that works the same way? You're trying to make me say that I have, aren't you? I'm just you're an inventor. It seems like that's something.

Well, I have. You're trying to say that I have while I have. Turns out I've built something that's different but quite the same as email. Okay. So now my experience with email, I go, I turn on my computer. PC, personal computer. Sure. Or a Mac.

A personal computer is really any of the above. Oh, okay. You're operating system. How many computers are used by many people? I mean, technically my wife uses it. Is it still a personal computer? Yes. If it's your own personal computer, it is a personal computer.

I let her use it. Yeah. If I get a personal pizza, I'm eating that on my own. Yeah. Personal pan pizza. I'm not sharing that. You could share a personal pizza. No.

It's a personal pan pizza. Personal pan pizza. But other people could share. Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. This is the perfect segue to my email but not email. Okay. When I log on to email, I go on to a browser. Yes.

I go on to something, you know, one of the clients that I type in my email, I press a button. Yes. Send. And then it pops up on someone else's personal computer. I know how email works. Okay. Okay.

How does your email... Well, the personal computer debate is a perfect analogy to how my email now works. Okay. It's a communal experience. It's one word at a time between a set amount of friends. Okay. You get purple into your friends list. And then...

Sorry? Purple? You get purple. And then whenever you want to send an email, you invite which friends want to send an email with you. Okay. And then you'll contribute to the email one word at a time. But what are you typing into?

Huh. Like... Are you typing into a computer? Is a computer part of this? Not yet. Okay. Wait, so you get... Let me see if I can break this down.

You get... You find a friend... A set number of friends. There is a limit. Six friends currently. So up to six friends and they all want to have to email the same person the same thing? Six friends, then you're on the list. Then you send out an invite.

It'll say something like, who wants to participate in my next email. How do you send the invite? Is that through a computer? No. Do you need a bunch of friends to... Do you need a bunch of friends to send the invite? You know social media, they're not really your friends. They're just people you know.

Let's not debate that. That's not the issue. You're just people you know. You think I have 26 friends and so many followers I've got, I've got about three actual friends. Most of those guys, I met one night in Dakota, South. So you send an invite to your friends. Yeah. Do you have to send the invite one word at a time?

Good question. Jesus Christ, yes, that's the whole point. Whoever responds to your invite request, how many people are sending more than one word at a time? Martin. You know what I mean? Right, he said that every message is one word at a time. Are you writing two words at a time for your email?

No, you're not sending it. Yeah, I'm writing a lot of words at a time. By your standards I think a lot of words. Martin. Yeah. You don't type a word then send, type another word then send. That's too many emails. Oh, yeah.

No, you all get together and compose an email one word at a time. So before you send it. It's very easy. We can do it right now. Okay, let's do it now. Hold on. Do you accept Martin? Do you accept my friend request?

Uh-huh. Scout, do you accept my friend request? Scott. Yes, Scott. Comal, do you accept my friend request? Come on. Okay, great. Comal?

I didn't say yes. Do you? Yes. And now that another invite comes out says, uh, Martin, do you want to participate in the email? Uh-huh. Scott, do you want to participate in the email? How do I, do I say it to you personally or do I write back?

Yes or no? Yes. But I already, you're on my, you're on my friend's line. It's like the word email. He needs to ask your question. I brought you into the network. So we don't mess up this process. Keymail?

Keymail. It's email, but with the coup instead of the e. Coup email? Keymail. Keymail. Keymail. Cornwall, I said it. Anyway, do you want to participate in the next email?

Yes. Okay, great. You're a hard sell, but then you agree. Yes. That's fine. Really readily. So, let's say I want to compose this email to you, Mr. Reggie Watts. Okay, right.

Oh, my farmer band. You're a big fan. I'm a big fan. Have you heard of me before this? We got to hear this impression again. Oh yeah. You were doing the... You know, some Reggie Watts songs.

And then he doesn't make loops. Okay. Yeah. So you're a fan of Reggie. Did you know about me before? Who? You know, he was my fan. Score Borcoman?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not a fan. Oh. Not particularly. Of... Score Borcoman.

Is that... Wait, yes, you? Yeah. I'm sorry. Anyway, so this will be an email that Reggie wants. Okay. Okay. Dear...

And then you say something, Morton. Reggie. Perfect. Goodbye. I don't know what to add. Too many words. Too many words. Wait, wait, why did I make it...

Too many words. Why did I make it... Too many words. You gotta... You told me that I was gonna be part of the email. Yeah, but you didn't need to be. It was only three letters. Three words.

What are you doing here if you're not... Well, thanks for coming. Yeah, thank you. No. I just happened by coming around. Well, you said I was gonna be part of the email. It's great to have you here. All right, send.

What? No, I didn't get a... Does this happen? Is it about making people feel bad? No. You just gotta go with the flow. That's the point of the whole email. Let's try another one.

Let's try another one. Okay. All right, you wanna start this one off, Morton? Sure. Okay, who do we send it to? Who are we sending it to? That's up to you guys. Who do you wanna send an email?

We have to all agree on who... One of us just wants to send an email. But the person who... At first, it's the person who invites. So, first, you have to invite everybody. Okay. Sorry, I skipped a step. Go ahead and invite us all.

But we're already friends, so I don't need to do that again. Exactly. We're on the network. We've already done that. Shut... Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry, it's just like that. It's just frustrating.

You're always explaining. Scout, do you accept my... I do. My email request. It's like I'm on The Bachelor or something. Keramel, do you accept... Yeah. Don?

Yeah, of course. Great. Actually, wait a second. Let me just check my calendar. Is it occurring right now? I got time. Okay, great. Great.

Okay. Whoa. Okay, so start... I felt that in my spine. That was like a raptor or something. What the fuck was that? Sorry, I have day apnea. Go.

Day apnea. Wake apnea. What happens at night? I breathe clears in a baby. In a womb. I don't do well. So you have a lot of fluid in your lungs? A tremendous amount of fluid.

It's like the abyss, you know, when they get into this. Sure, yeah. Well, you know, we all... Are you gonna let Martin say his email or not? Okay, let's still listen to the email. John Goodman. John Goodman. All right.

Dear. R. What? He mentioned dear. Wait, hold on. Dear R what? Dear R. Beautiful.

You said what? Yeah, you said what? Yeah, you said what? Okay. So that's a question mark after that. Dear R what? Yeah, how do we decide punctuation? How?

You say it. That counts as your word. Okay, so this is still the first sentence. Dear R what? How? Okay, great. Calm. Dear R how?

What? Calm. What? How? Calm. Dear R what? How? Calm?

Like C-A-L-N? The computer's registering all this. You have to understand that when it comes to you, the first thing you say is what's gonna be put in. Okay. Period. Maybe start the algorithms up in there. Yep.

You got the algorithm? Oh, so you got it on a computer now? Yeah, well not. It's up here. Oh wait, you're running an algorithm in your brain. I don't know. I'm not an idiot. Please help me come right now.

Exclamation point. Okay. Oh wait, that's my word. Okay. Dear R several. Little. Sperms in this. Ballcage.

Is that one word? It's a hyphen? We'll let it go. Okay, thank you. How? Still no punctuation. Do. You all.

Y'all. Semi-colon. I can't believe. Not. Berry. Sand. Oh, so it's just sand. Whoever says sand gets to decide when to send it.

What if you type the word sand? I gotta be honest, there was no clarifying that. There was no way out of that. Okay, well isn't that a problem with your system then? I don't know. Shouldn't we have all decided what we wanted to say to John Goodman? Yeah, when you have an email to send to someone, presumably, you know what you want to say and then suddenly you're bringing your friends in and muddying the whole issue.

We're doing the initial round of fundraising. We're at series A's. Oh, this is what this is about. You're talking to three television stars here. And I'm being very generous when I say that about myself. I know you got money in the bank account. I know you're probably just sitting on some savings. Look, I like to be comfortable.

I don't like to worry about money. So yeah, I got a little something socked away. I don't understand what the technology is behind this. When we're putting in money. Yeah, we already own computers. What are we putting this money towards? To buy new computers? You want to get in the nuts and bolts of this kind of stuff and bore everybody.

No, we do. We want to get into the nuts. Yeah, if we're going to put money into this. This is theoretical stuff. This is bleeding. It's technology. It's not all going to be written down. So wait, are we paying for the algorithm in your head?

What are we paying for? Didn't you enjoy your experience? Are we supposed to pay? Didn't you enjoy your experience? Sure. Didn't you goddamn enjoy it? Put the knife away. Okay, okay.

I'm just saying. If you want trouble, we can make trouble. Let's de-escalate this situation, sir. That's fine. That's fine. Just give me that. That's fine. I just seen things earlier.

I've seen things earlier in my life that I'd rather forget. Everything's going to be cool. Everything's fine. We were just literally trying to find out what our money was going towards. But that's fine. The future, idiot. You're on the show. Speaking of the future, let's talk about its direct opposite the past.

Great segue. What are some of these things that you've seen in your life? How old of a man are you? How old do I look? To be honest, somewhere between two and 80? You're pretty close. Pretty close? 61 years old.

61 years old. So you were born in the 50s as a... A sting, AKA Gordon Sumner once said. If you were 61, what year were you born in then? I just got to think. Probably no. Come on. You should know what year...

I know. I just got to think. 56. Let's see. It's 2017. The king of rock and roll had just come out. Scanned a few months earlier. Ah, yeah.

It was 1956. Yeah. He'd come out with that old, you ain't nothing but a hound dog. Dog. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you must have heard that as a baby. As a baby, yeah.

As a man. Never heard it as a man. Never heard it as a man. That's why I don't really know it that well. Okay, sorry. I don't mean to bring up something that you don't know. That's fine. Okay.

I wouldn't hold that against you. Okay, so now in 56, you're probably too young to have gone to the Vietnam War unless you went as a young person and lied about your age. In 1966, I was 10 years old. Right. Okay. And in 1968, I was 12. Got it.

And that is when I went to Vietnam. I was a 12-year-old boy. I went on a student visa. You chose to visit. It was a student exchange program and there was one person on the US side, me, who signed up and one person on the Vietnam side, Dong Poc, who signed up. And we exchanged and we met once in the airport and I've never saw him again. He seemed like a nice boy at the time.

I remember thinking, I hope I get to play with him. Would it surprise you to know that he's on the phone right now? He's calling in. Dong Poc is on the phone. Here he is. I know this is a surprise to you, but I set it up beforehand. He's here on the phone with you. Hello.

Hello, Dong. Are you there? Wow, he's laughing. Dong? Hello? Hi. Hello. Hi.

Who is this? This is Scott Ackerman, the host. Oh, of what? Of Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. I love it. You do? You're a fan.

Yeah. It's great to... Hey, we have great news for you. Do you remember when you were around 12 years old, you had an exchange program with the market? Don Donaldson? Yeah, okay. That little boy.

Thank you, uncle. Well, he's not a little boy anymore. He aged at the same rate you did. He's the same age as you. Oh, yeah. We're about 61 years old. Oh, God. Okay, Dong.

Do you know what I am, Don? Do you know? I'm Vietnam's leading ladyboy. Oh! All right. All right, Dong. No, I run a whole ladyboy shop. Okay.

I'm afraid we don't have that much time to talk to you. What is a ladyboy shop? Yeah. You come in, you shop for the ladyboy. They come out with you. Okay, okay. Don't you want to come and visit? We don't.

Um, Dong is... Scotty, who else is underlying? Well, you're... Don Donaldson is underlying. Oh, boy. Hey there, how are you? Don pockets me, Donald Donaldson. Oh, so pleasure to see, hear your voice again.

Come to Vietnam. We have great time together. All right, I'll see you in a bit. Bye. Look me up, ladyboy. Premier. Premier ladyboy service. Is that a website we can go to?

www.premierladyboyservice.com. Okay. Thank you, Don. It's so great to talk to you. I sing. Can I please just do demonstration? I thought this was done. I thought it was done before.

Please, my big shot. Please, on radio. Wait, what's the demonstration? Oh, my singing. You won't see it if you come here. Okay, I guess so. I really don't know how much longer we... Wait.

But go ahead. Okay, that's about all we have time for. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Don, what a thrill.

I gotta be honest, seems like a pretty fun guy. Number seven. And there you have it. That's, uh... Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. And there you have it. That's, uh... That's a little glimpse inside the twisted mind of Thomas Middleditch. I mean, this guy's crazy. This guy's... He's crazy, you know? He's crazy, you know?

I'm crazy about you. Thomas, uh... Great guy. He's all right. Like a legitimately insane person. You... He's your arch enemy, so... Yeah.

So, like, I... You know, I think he's okay. You'll never forgive him for taking the top spot last year. No, never. But at a certain point, you gotta give it up. No, I... Here's... Here's me.

I carry these things around inside me forever. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. Right. Have you seen him personally since then? He was at a party I had recently. Um, I literally saw him there, but did not speak with him. And you avoided him?

I did, like the plague. How do you avoid the plague, by the way? I mean, I guess you don't, like, sleep on pillows that someone coughed on. Yeah. Like, it's almost like people are... That's honestly, that's all you have to do. Don't sleep on pillows that someone coughed on. But it's like someone's saying, like, you can outrun it or something.

Don't fuck a rat? Don't... Hey, if you're fucking a rat, don't fuck a rat. Great advice here in 2018. All right, we need to take a break. When we come back, we will have a very interesting episode with the debut of a new character. This is nuts. The debut of a new character for something that landed its number six on our countdown.

This is incredible. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Now, Paul, Paul, can I ask you a question? Sure. When I say Lisa... I say go. What do you assume I'm talking about when I say Lisa? The Simpsons.

The Simpsons. Yes. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Well, I'm not talking about... I'm not talking about the Simpsons, Paul. I'm talking about... And this is exciting. I'm talking about Lisa, the direct to consumer.

I'm going off the top of the dome because I don't see it anywhere on here. Direct to consumer, mattress, maker, majesty. Oh, they were named one of Forbes' top 20 startups to watch. That's right, a few years ago or something. It's Forbes tracking these every year. It's an honor. The new startups are here! The new startups to watch are here!

Oh, my favorite issue of Forbes! Think about a few of that 21st startup. Oh, man. I wonder if Ear Wolf ever hit the top 20, no. You say yes? It did? We're being told yes. Oh, dang.

Okay, thanks, Forbes. But I'm not here to talk about Forbes. I'm here to talk about Lisa. And what's interesting about Lisa is it's spelled in a weird way. It's not spelled the way you think it is. What do you think it is? I think it's spelled L-I-S-A. No, it's not spelled the way you think it is.

That's what I'm saying! It's spelled L... Follow-up would be normally an I. But it's spelled L-E. You would think S-A after that? No, another E! And then S-A. No, S-A.

Oh, you know my initials are S-A. So I feel a personal connection to this product. And Lee? Lee are my favorite type of jeans that I wear every single day. You're wearing your Husky Lee jeans. That's right. But we're not here to talk about Husky Lee jeans. Although, if they want to advertise, I'm not going to turn them down.

I'm not going to kick them out of bed for eating crackers. Ooh. Speaking out of bed. Speaking out of bed. Speaking out of bed. Speaking out of bed. And a bed that you can eat crackers in. If you eat crackers in Alisa, this is the magical part about Alisa.

They disappear. Let me tell you something. These will be the most comfortable crackers in the history of baking. Oh my God. You are going to just luxuriate on these crackers. And you're not... It's not going to be a princess-in-the-pea type situation. Because there's no peas.

It's crackers. There's no peas. Mind your peas and crackers, by the way. Look, Alisa, we've talked about ad nauseam on this program. But I want to go over it again. Because they are driven by this mission a better place to sleep for everybody. For everyone. For everybody.

Everybody. They don't care about race. They don't care about creed. They don't care about your occupation. They want every single human being. They probably do care if you're an animal. Like, I wonder if they would allow dogs to lie on mattresses. Or horses.

I bet they wouldn't turn an animal away from one of their mattresses. If a horse came to the dream gallery in NYC and said, I want to buy a mattress. You know what I bet they would say? I'd say you can try one out, but please wipe that peanut butter off of your mouth. Because it's going to get on the mattress. Because it's going to get on the mattress. Yes.

I know you needed to talk. They are driven by this mission a better place to sleep for everybody. And in fact, for every 10 mattresses that Lisa sells, what do you think? They count their money? No. They don't do that, but they donate a different mattress. Not one of the 10 that they sold. What if they donated one of the 10 that they sold?

They were like, hey, let me have that back and they donated. Oh, no. A clerical arrow. A clerical arrow. Hi. Is that a new Star Wars character? Yeah. I'm a clerical arrow.

Clerical arrow. They donate one mattress to a shelter through their 110 program. They also plan a tree for every mattress sold through their 11 program. And they donate 1% of each employee's time through their one 100 program to volunteer for local causes. It's these are three amazing programs and they're not confusing at all. Not to mention with patented universal adaptive feel. Lisa.

Are you kidding me? I came up with that same thing. You came up with universal adaptive feel. Why did I wait? Why did you wait? I feel like an idiot. Why did I wait? Why did I wait?

Why did I wait? Sweeney Todd. And now he'll never come again. Easy love. Hush, love, hush. Just thought New York City, the greatest city in the world. Just thought. Universal adaptive feel.

Lisa's designed for all types of sleepers and features three premium foam layers, including two inch of either a foam top layer for cooling and breathability, two inch memory foam middle layer, the middle layer. That's like if you're making a casserole, what's usually in the middle? It's like a sour cream. What's a casserole again? A hot dish. Oh.

Is that carpet? You thought casserole was carpet? No, I thought one of the layers was carpet. I'm not an idiot. You thought one of the layers of casserole was a carpet. What is, I don't know what's crazier. You thinking casserole was carpet? Here's what I think.

Okay, here's the layers of casserole. Because ground, cement, carpet, seal it. Okay, you are, you think your home is a casserole. No, you are, you could not be more wrong. You need to do a complete 180. I don't live in a casserole. Look, I don't live in a casserole, but I'm comfortable. We also have, look, we've talked about the six inch dense core support foam for durability

and structure. Thanks for sleepers of all sizes. That's right. And listen to this. This is new. I've never read this before. Lisa now is continuing to expand its empire of offerings to include the Lisa pillow. Oh, man.

I wonder if this has three layers in each pillow. Oh, floor? Nope. Ground. Nope. Cement? Nope. But I wonder if it has feathers in it.

I don't like a feathered pillow. They're always sticking into the back of your neck. I'm afraid it's going to fly away. Much like Icarus, close to the sun. Do they have a pillow filled with wax? Yep. They have a Lisa blanket? Is it like Michael Jackson's kid?

Crazy. They also have a Lisa foundation and a Lisa frame. Look, anything that's bed related, Lisa's getting into. That's right. They're not making enough money. I wonder if they donate pillows. What about pajamas? Do they make pajamas?

What about a wife? Do they make a Lisa wife? She's going to sleep next to you? Unfortunately, maybe not. The bride and Lisa. Hey, no wonder this is a Forbes Top 20 startup to watch. I mentioned that. Oh, I'm sorry.

Pardon my language. No wonder it's a Forbes Top 20 startups to watch. Like I said before. Try a Lisa mattress in your own home. This is a command, Paul. For 100 nights risk-free. Are you calling me to action? I certainly am.

They're available in the US, the UK, the Canada, the Germany, all online with free shipping. This 100% American-made mattress. I wonder how that plays in Germany. It ships compressed in a box right to your door. They love American stuff. They love it. And what's weird about this, Paul, they don't deliver it

to your neighbor. They don't deliver it. They don't, like, drop it off down at the bottom of a hill and go, you pick it up. They go right to your door. Oh, that is easier. It's so much easier. I was ready to go down that hill.

This is the opposite of what Kate Bush would do. Or you could try it at the Lisa Dream Gallery in Soho, New York City, and Virginia Beach. They have one in Virginia Beach. Crazy. How come my copy didn't say that? I don't know. I got the deluxe copy.

You did? You got premium copy. Premium copy. The sequel to Time Cop. And they have over 80 West Elm stores nationwide. OK, this is great. Get $100 off when you go to Lisa.com slash bang bang. That is L-E-E-S-A dot com slash bang bang.

Go to Lisa.com slash bang bang. You're going to get $100 off. And send me the $100. I'll take it. Also, why didn't Lisa want me to tell people about the pillows? I don't know. They're very stingy and miserly with their pillow info. Do they think my listeners don't use pillows?

They just sleep on a flat mattress? They won't get it? They just sleep on a point. Flathead. This pump. All right, we'll see you, Lisa. Thank you. We'll see you, Lisa.

Comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang. We're counting it down. Paul of Tompkins, for me, across the table, as he has so often been in the eight and a half years we've been doing this program, has quite often sat right where he's sitting right now. How many times have we done this?

Done the best ofs? Yeah, best ofs. It is the eighth year of the show, right? We have the eighth anniversary. Does that make it the ninth best of? I feel like we've done this before. Okay, so the show started in 2009. We had one in 2009, 2010, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17.

This is the ninth best of for our eighth, we've been going eight and a half years. So I feel like we didn't do it. I mean, I know we did best ofs the first couple of years, but I think I just hosted it. Right. This is maybe the seventh year we've been doing it? I don't know.

Lucky seven. Lucky seven. Lucky number seven. Lucky number seven. Just the other day. All right, let's get to it. All right. This is very exciting.

We're heading into the very upper echelon of our countdown. This is your episode number six. Number six. Number six. And I mentioned, Paul, this is the debut of a new character. You mentioned this was the debut of another character. And this is exciting. I mean, could you have any clue as to what this could be?

Is this somebody from Clue? Yes. Well, it's Mike McKean's character from Clue. He was playing a character the whole time as the gay FBI character, who then turned out to be straight in the, I believe, episode ending number C, where the very last line of Clue is, he reveals that he was playing a gay,

that he, that was a character. And he turns to everyone and says, and now I'm going home to sleep with my wife. And then it freeze frames on it. Like that's the happy ending. I've never seen that movie. It's Neil Patrick Harris was talking about it. It's one of his, I think it's his favorite movie.

I think it's his favorite movie. Yeah. It's a very interesting film. I almost blurred it out. That can't be true. You've seen other movies, right? But I know someone from another friend of mine loves that movie. And I think it is her favorite comedy.

It's interesting. It is a like typical drawing room comedy. It's not really a scary movie or about the mystery. It's about the interactions between the characters. Well, Michael McKean, doesn't he play one of the Clue characters? Yeah, but he's, but he's revealed. In one of the endings,

he reveals he was an FBI agent. Or in all of the versions. I think in one version, he figures out who did it, reveals that he's an FBI agent and not the gay. I think he's Professor Plum, maybe? I'm not sure. But he reveals that he's been playing a character

for much of the whole time and he solves the crime. I see. Interesting. Very interesting. Well. And speaking of interesting, let's talk about this interesting episode. This is another recent-ish episode.

This is from October 9. Just this past October. And no need to hunt for it because this is an episode number 512 called What's Your Aim? What's Your Aim? And Paul, would it surprise you, I believe it would because you have a look of confusion,

to know that you're in this episode. It would surprise me. This is Bobby Moynihan. Oh, sure. And yourself. Okay. In an episode where Bobby Moynihan premiered-

Aim, of course. Aim, meaning the AOL instant messenger. That's right. We were talking about it on the show. That's right. Bobby Moynihan premiered his character Slow Pesci. Yes, that's right. And you were playing Werner Herzog.

That's correct. Werner had not been on the show in quite a while since the tour perhaps. It had been quite a while. And it's always great to hear from Werner Herzog. You had mentioned to me that you had sort of stopped doing him for a while, so I was surprised when you said you wanted to do him.

Yeah, because he became Werner Herzog. He's got like a meme now. Yeah, Werner Herzog became like a meme and it sort of took the fun out of it for me. Right, when everyone thinks it's possible. Yeah. Well, they think it's possible. I want people to think things are impossible.

A bunch of Icaruses out here. Swings. That when everyone thinks it's like, oh, hilarious how Werner Herzog talks. Yeah. It's not as fun that you have been doing it for years. Yes, yeah. Or nine years at this point.

But we love to hear from him. And this episode turned out to be sort of an airside sequel to the Time Bobby episode, which is not what we were intending to do. No, not at all. We went into it just saying, hey, let's do something different. I think I texted you saying,

I think Bobby is not doing four of them. By the way, he wants to do a different character. So don't feel like you need to prepare Andrew Lloyd Webber. And you said, great, I'm going to do Werner Herzog. And then it sort of at the end segues into being a sequel to the popular Time Bobby series. Yes. Time Bobby one through four,

which have all popped up on our. Four of them? Yes. And each has ended up on the countdown. Very popular comedy bang bang series. This turned out to be somewhat of a sequel by the end. I don't believe we're going to play the end. I'm not quite sure.

But let's hear a little bit of this episode. This is Bobby Moynihan. We all know him from Saturday Night Live. Just left the cast to be in the CBS sitcom, Me, Myself and I, which he just left that as well. For a different reason? For a totally different reason.

And but great. One of our good friends and I love having the three of you. I guess when I say the three of you, I mean you and Bobby and me. This is your episode six. This is what's your aim? Number six. What about that?

That would be slow. Pesci. Would it be something if we were to like just. You can call me slow. Just slow. Okay. What if we were slow? You know what?

Call me slow Pesci. Slow Pesci. You know what? Call me Gary Marshall. Russ and Pete, did you ever meet Gary Marshall? Oh yeah. Well, I don't know if meat is the right word. What is the right word?

I was in the same room when a guy got shot when Gary Marshall was there. A guy got shot? Yeah. What's with the circumstances? My brother's an actor, you know, and I got to make the bills. You know, I got to pay these things.

So I was in the mafia for a little bit. Oh, you were in the mafia. Yeah, I was a hitman. Whoa. And I got a, you know, you don't, you don't get a phone call or nothing. You get a little piece of paper with an aim on it and you're going, you kill that dude.

So. Wow. Yeah. So I. You said name, right? Not aim. I'm sorry. You said name on it.

No, you get a piece of paper with an aim on it. You get the, hey, well, instant messenger handle. Yeah, that's what I got. And you have to do all the work figuring out. Yeah, I got to go through. I got to go find an old computer, hook that thing up, boot it up, boot it up. I got to say, past November, you're not,

you're going to be out of work. Oh yeah. That's why I'm trying to, that's why I'm over here. Yeah. Wolf trying to bust a piss and trying to get something going on. Right. Right. So you do know where you are?

It Wolf Studios. Yeah. Okay. Great. You know, I came here specifically. I'm trying to get my career off the ground. I'm trying to, trying to put it on the fast track. You may have come to the wrong place.

Oh yeah. You believe. She was like a bit more of a plateau. He's kind of, but not, but not bad. You know, but. You're just going to like, do you like coasting? Yeah, sure. That's my favorite thing to do.

Are you kidding me? I like, I'm like, my, my life is like a nice lazy river. Great. How, how passionately can you talk about mattresses? Let's hear. Ladies and gentlemen, I took a, I took a little nap this morning on a beautiful case for mattress and it was glorious. We're, we're a Lisa show here.

We're a Lisa show. I, that's what I said. Lisa Lisa Casper's Italian for Lisa. All right. What do you think about microbes? Just in general. This is not important. I think we all know what I think about microbes.

Your anti. I'm doing to do this hand gesture again. That's what I thought. Okay. So you got an aim handle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I get there and you know, I see the name and I do all the tracking. I figure it out and I get there and I'm like, all right, it's time. It's slow. You got to do this. This is your jab. This is your little jib jab. You got to go in and do this. So I take out the pistol.

Was jib jab a part of your research? Is this how you tracked? Yeah. Was it a jab name as well? That's how I found it. Yeah. That helped. And as you see the face on top of like an animated body dance.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm looking around and everybody's body is real. So I'm like, okay. All right. And that's not the way to do it. So then I see the guy and I'm about to plug him right in the back of the neck, right in the back of the trunk.

Is that a hit man style execution style? It's the worst idea. It causes the most blood. It's the most sound. Sometimes you hit the spine. Sometimes you don't. You miss it. You go straight through.

Then you live. But you know. Hey, you only live once. Interesting, right? You're going to do pop the guy in and go catch a movie real quick. No. Come on. Let's not be stupid over here.

All right. So you. Especially you. Especially me. Hey, come on. I said no teaming up against me. All right. All right.

The gun right against the back of his neck. He doesn't know it's coming. Gary Marshall comes over. He says hi shakes his hand. He's a friend of Gary Marshall. Oh, wait. Is this Hector Elizondo? It was Hector Elizondo.

Whoa. Gary Marshall's good luck charm Hector Elizondo. So Gary Marshall saved Hector Elizondo's life. I mean probably many times, but in this situation. I would think it would be vice versa. And that's why Gary keeps putting him in films, but no. He does it to protect him. Wow.

So he'll always be around him. Yeah. He almost never leaves his side. He got a little sidecar built on his own body. Really? Like a Batman and Robin style sidecar? Yeah. Gary Marshall.

But you don't see him in interviews. Usually cause it's only from, you know, like chest up. But down on his side is a little sidecar. Hector Elizondo is sitting there. Come to think of it. Anytime I've seen an interview with Gary Marshall. It's always been chest up. It's amazing.

It never occurred to me. I'm always like a lower that thing a little bit. And the reason is Hector Elizondo is in a tiny sidecar attached to his body right next to him. It is the sidecar made of some kind of organic material that is grafted onto his skin. Yeah. It's like a human flesh gangaroo bug. Well, Werner, I have a pitch for you. You're a current film director.

That's correct. And you will be until you die. Yes. Assuming you are still working on something. You may die in the next couple of days, in which case you would be a former film director. I may die in the next couple of minutes. Yeah. What's your AIM, by the way?

No, no, no, no. You don't want to kill him. Is that why you came here? Nah. Did someone put a hit out on? Nah. I came here to bust a piss. I'm just curious what's your AIM, though.

Can you? Slow, slow, Pash. You seem to have many different stories as to why you come to be here in the Earwold Studios at present. I don't think that's true. You said it's to bust a piss. You said it's to launch some sort of career. I mean, that's a B story at best. I worry that your true purpose here is more sinister than you have let on.

Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah, I don't get it. Slow, Sif. Yeah. Who told you about the Earwold Studios here? I mean, everybody, the word on the street, everybody's talking about it. People on the street?

Yeah. You walk down Hollywood Boulevard, everyone's like, Earwold, how old are you? So, I mean, I'm sort of with Werner here. I mean, we've been getting along so well. Oh, you are. But at this point now, I might have to change allegiances. What's your right? What's my A?

Slow, slow, slow. Slow it? Slow it? What? It's like a taxi. Would you excuse us for one moment? We have to have a... We're going to quickly go over here.

You can join us very slowly if you like, but we're... It's going to take me a while. Yeah, it's going to take you a while. My legs are weird. So we will walk over at normal pace to the other side of the room and... Yeah, sure. Yeah, no sweat. No sweat.

All right. Here we go. Say, Werner, I'm starting to suspect that slow... Pesci. Pesci. I want to say slow Joe. Yes, I do too for some reason. For some weird reason.

Yes. But it's slow Pesci. It's slow Pesci. I'm a different guy. I'm a different guy. Wait, can you hear us? No, I just heard... I thought you said slow Pesci, so I came over.

Oh, you're here already. We got to move quicker. I love that further away. I'll walk farther away this time. So, Werner. Yes. I think what it is is that there's a fellow named Joe Pesci and his name is slow Pesci, but it's the Joe that you want to follow.

But there's some reference to slow Joey that's in the back of my mind for some reason. I wonder if I want to say slow Joe Pesci. You could say slow Joe Pesci if you want, but it seems almost harder to say. Yes, I don't want to misrepresent. As a side conversation. Oh, shit, he's here. All right, let's get away. He's so close.

All right, let's get away even quicker. So, as a side conversation, I feel like slow Pesci. That was definitely the main conversation. Oh, yes, that was definitely what we wanted to say. This is now the side conversation. This is the side one. I feel like slow. I feel as if we are on the same page.

Why don't we at the count of three, we will say at the same time what we think. Okay, okay. One, two, three. I think slow Pesci is here to murder us. I was going to say one of us, but then you said us. He asked for both of our AIM handles. Do you think that he's here to murder both of us? That never even crossed my mind.

So it's like a twofer? It could be a twofer. I wonder if he gets paid for one. What day of the week is it? It's Tuesday. Oh, my God, it's two for Tuesday. Two for Tuesday. Oh, my God.

Oh, wait, he's here. Oh, it also could be double shot Tuesday. Oh, that's true. All right. Sounds even worse. We didn't really have a conversation. We were just walking. We were just taking a walk.

You didn't because you look like you were having a conversation. You look a little scared. You look like you were talking at the same time. I might have flapped the gums a little bit. Yes, we are guarding against the lockjaw. Yeah. Yeah, I know that's good. Doing our exercises.

Yeah. You know. I was just over here busting a piss, just being slow. He's over here. You seem to have a bit of a bladder problem. All I do is drink water. I would not deliver it. Yeah, you die.

I think so too. I thought that too. I stopped and then I said a word. Oh, what a... You waggled your eyebrows up and down. You love that shit. Yeah. Amazing.

Say so Pesci. Yeah. We have a couple of concerns. Yeah. I had a couple of questions that I asked you that you still haven't answered yet, but what are your concerns? It seems to be the same question, but directed at both of us separately. Yeah.

All right. Still a couple of questions. There's two questions. It might be the same, but there were a couple. Slow Pesci, I'd like to ask you a question. I hope I can rely on your kindness of strangers. You can always rely on that. That goes without saying.

Always. I always assume I hope I can rely on the kindness of strangers. Certainly. Certainly. But I do hope that you will be honest with me when answering my query. Yeah. I'm straight shooting. Complete candor.

That's what we require of you. No prevarication, no dodging. No beating around the bush. No beating around the bush. Are you here to murder us? I barely even finished asking the question. It was like he really wanted to tell us. It's the fastest he's ever done anything was answered that question.

Wow. That's incredible. Wait, I'm sorry. I actually just answered a question from hours earlier. Oh, wait. Are all of your answers from questions? I'm slow. You're on, like, tape delay?

Yeah. So sometimes, you know, when I got to think about something, it don't come out till a couple of hours later. Somebody asked me the other day, they were like, hey, you ever have a Brussels sprout? You were answering that when you said yes. I was answering that question because, yes, I love those things. Okay. Now, what was your question?

Is there, there must be a way to bypass the queue of answers to the questions. Like I think in an elevator where you could press a secret button and it bypasses the floors. Exactly. Yes. The express, if we could get the express answers, is there some way that we could do this, that we can achieve this? In fact, there is.

There is. I don't know if he's answering the question I just asked or if he's answering another stupid-based question. Did someone ask you something different about eggplant or? Yeah, a couple days ago. A couple days ago, okay. Now, is that the answer to the question you just asked? I think it may be about when he ate the said Brussels sprout.

Yeah, I was talking to Jay Davidson and he was like... Jay Davidson? You were talking to Jay Davidson? From the crying game? From the crying game, yeah. Do you mention anything about his own personal eggplant? Because that's... The famous one?

Yeah, you know, the one that if you... Did they go from the movies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the eggplant emoji. That's all that guy ever fucking talks about. You kidding me? Did they... Quick sidebar, fellows.

Sure, between all of us. Did the eggplant emoji appear in the emoji movie? And did they make, like, knowing, winking jokes about it? Did that change the rating of the film? Yeah, with the little water squirt right after it. Yeah, right next to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, that's where they went wrong.

The only part that went wrong. I'm gonna go say it today. Yeah, so, okay. And thus ends our side conversation. Well, let's get back to the regular one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To answer your question... Yeah, how do we bypass and get to the head of the queue?

Maybe if you would state the question that you're answering and then we would know which question is being answered. That's a... Yes, great system. How do you mean? I feel like he's answering Jay Davidson's questions again. I wish we knew how long this conversation with Jay Davidson went on. He asked me how to get to a Best Buy, and I didn't understand what he meant.

You didn't understand Best Buy? No, I said, hey, you mean... Or why a big star like him would be... Well, I don't know why he's gotta go to a Best Buy. Eating discounts. Yeah, exactly. Maybe he wants a great deal on a big screen TV. Yeah, get yourself over to, like, you know, a nicer place, you know, not like Best Buy.

Right, yeah. What's a step up from Best Buy? Bristol Farms. Bristol Farms. There you go. Of just things to buy. Where do you want to buy? I've met electronics, but now I want to...

So we're wondering, and we're wondering how we're ever going to find this out, we're wondering if you are here to murder us because, frankly... Scott, what if we were to write something on the bottom of a piece of paper and then have him write the answer? Oh. Now we're talking. That's a good idea. You'd like to be more immediate.

Okay, how do you want to do this? Do you want to... I want to take a piece of paper. Good. That's a great start. Right, right on the bottom of it. Yeah, that's exactly what you just said. Now you're just explaining it with words.

Who gets to choose who's going to write what, though? Do you want to... Well, first... Slow Pesci. I almost said slow Joey again. Would you please excuse... He calls it slowy Joey. Slowy Joey?

Sure, why not? Do you... Will you excuse us for a second? Uh, yes. Oh boy. Oh my God, this room is so long. All right. Okay.

What question? We should ask him the question, who sent you to murder us? Or does he get paid for two? That's... Why... Well, I'm really interested in that. I feel as if we must find out why this is happening. Perhaps we should ask him a question like, will you please not murder us?

Oh, that's a great question. What if he says no and then murders us? That's the fear. We'll say, will you please not murder us, parentheses? You can't say no. Look, I'm willing to try it. It's worth a try. Okay, so here's a piece of paper, obviously.

Obviously, here's a piece of paper. All right. Very soft. Why did you crumple it up? What's with all this thin paper? Very soft thin paper. Oh, no, he's caught up with us. Oh, there's a runaway again.

I was writing while I ran and now I've smeared the question. What does it say now? It says, will you please murder us? Oh, no. Well, let's give it to him. Why? Just to see what would happen? I feel as if you have just caved too soon.

Let's tear that one up then. Give me another piece of paper. Another piece of that thin paper that I love so much. Will you please not murder us? parentheses? Yes. Thank you. Okay.

I just want to make sure you remember that part. You cannot say no and parentheses question mark. Yes, perfect. Let's run back over. Okay. Hey, hey. Hey, what's going on? Slow magic.

We have a piece of paper with a question on it for you. We have thoughtfully put the question at the bottom and here is a pen. You can write your answer down. Thank you very much. That's a nice pen. Thank you. It's like a $3,000 pen. It was a gift from Klaus Kinski.

Really? He gave you a pen? Yes. In my heart, it nearly killed me. Oh, okay. You stabbed you in the heart with that thing? For my birthday. Oh, happy birthday.

Thank you. No statute of limitations on happy birthday. 365 days a year. Yep. All right. Do you want to read that piece of paper? No? Okay.

That's right. Wait, was he just answering another question from J. Davidson? Who knows? Okay. Yes, I was. But to answer your question, you'll hear that in a couple of hours, I'm guessing. Oh, okay. He answered.

No. All right. Let's read this thing here. Let me throw on my readers. Those are the thickest, thickest glasses I've ever seen. It's terrifying how thick they are. But there's sunglasses on the top. These are actually a windshield from a Cessna.

Oh my God. That's incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can burn through an ant with these things. Wow. You probably can. You can do that with a lot of things, probably. All right.

Let me just read this right here. He's reading it. He's reading it. We've done it. He's really reading it. He's really reading it. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet. Okay.

No, guys, please feel free. I love cinema. Guys, please feel free, if you want, by the way. And I don't mind. That stuff is fine with me. Okay. All right. Let's check it out.

See a little parentheses. Oh, thank God. He read the parentheses. He's got into the parentheses. All right. All right. Thank you. All right.

Would you be so kind as to write your answer on the piece of paper? Actually, with this beautiful pen here? Yeah. Beautiful pen. And then we'll read that, and then we'll know. Then we'll know. Okay. Let me just write the answer now.

All right. He's writing. It's good that we came up with that thing where he can't say no. That was perfect, Werner. I got to say. That was A plus. Fold it up. All right.

Okay. It's even thinner now that it's folded somehow. Slide it across. I can't fold a paper more than six times in half. I thought it was eight. Was it eight? Okay. But you can.

You can? You'd be stupid to try. You'd be stupid to try. Yeah, you'd be dumb to try. It's like trying to drink a gallon of milk. So everyone just gets embarrassed after eight? Oh, God, once you hit that seven, you're like, what am I doing with my life? What am I fucking doing?

Just because I heard this phone. What am I trying to prove? What am I trying to drink a gallon of milk? And then halfway through that, they're like, I'm a freaking idiot. What am I doing? Waste. God, I'm afraid to open the paper. Will you look at it?

Oh, my God. I'm shaking. I've never seen you like this. I'm trembling like a leaf. All right. Okay. Let me fold one. Why are you folding it further?

Oh, I'm trying to get to eight. Nope, you can't. I'm too embarrassed. All right. Let me unfold it. You're blushing. All right. Seven, six, five, four, three, two.

Nose. Nose. Sorry. One. It was a close one. It was very close. All right. It's been a while.

I heard that. It's been quite a while. Please not murder us, parentheses. You can't say no. That was our question to him. Yes. And then he has written his answer underneath. I'm going further down.

I, hmm, that's a promising start. Keep going though. Will. I write real slow too. I write so slow that you have to read it slow. You have to read it slow. I will. That's an even better start.

What's this word right after it? Not. I will not. Period. So the question was, will you please not murder us? You cannot say no. He didn't say no. He said, I will not.

Does that mean I will not murder you? We need clarification. Get another one of those thin pieces of paper. All right. Here we go. Number six. Oh, Paul, we did it. This is your fifth episode on the countdown.

That's exciting. I'm very happy. You only made 11 appearances on Comedy Bang Bang the entire year and five of them are in the top countdown. I guess I, I guess I just really, I tried. I tried my heart. You tried really hard this year. I will say that the year previous you did not try this.

Oh, God damn it. So now how many, what are we up to? We're up to number six. That was number six and you've had five out of the top 16. Okay. I'm just going to say. Yeah. If I'm not in any of the remaining five episodes.

Right. I'm going to be very angry. Okay. Well, you might not be. You don't know what's happening. That's true. When we come back, we are going to talk about episode number five. And this is a real nail biter.

Is Paul going to be angry? Is Paul going to be pleased? We don't know. But we'll have your episode number five coming up after this break. Yeah. Hey, Matt Bell, not the New Year's right around the corner. That's so true, Jimmy. And what better way to bring in the New Year, but by trying out a new podcast.

Never not funny. Yeah. Now we're not a new podcast, but maybe it's new to you. We might be the oldest podcast on your wolf. Never not funny. It's been around like you say almost 12 years now. Yep. And some people are still not on board, which I find ridiculous.

If you like people like Paul of Tompkins, Scott Ackerman, Tignataro. I don't know. Andy Daly. Paul and O'Brien has been known to stop by. Yeah. We have all the people you love on that show. Zach Galvanakis occasionally makes his face known. He's on playing games.

You know, I think if you are a little daunted by the two hour runtime of Never Not Funny, check out playing games. It's a little half hour game show version of what we do on Never Not Funny. It's a sort of more structured version of it. Give that a try. If you like it, maybe jump on over to Never Not Funny. Or you know what? Just go deep dive.

Put the wetsuit on and jump into the two hours of fun that is Never Not Funny. Never Not Funny. Never Not Funny. And playing games. A better way to laugh. Comedy Bang Bang. We're back here counting down the episode. Scott Ackerman here with Paul of Tompkins.

Hello. Engineer Sam has given me a little bit of trivia and he chose to do it off, Mike, but I'm going to bring your dirty laundry out here. Oh. But Paul, you have, we were talking about how many best ofs we've done together. Out of the nine. The very first one was a big group of people, but since then we have done it together. So eight.

This is our eighth appearance. Lucky number slate. This is the eighth. This is not the ninth. This is the eighth. This is the eighth. This is the eighth. This is the eighth.

My only phrase is the eighth. Mama, I want to hug you. He didn't even have the balls to say fuck. What a fucking creep that guy was. He was, wasn't he? Do you ever read those like no one here gets out alive or those bios or anything like that? People who are obsessed with Jim Morrison. What's that all about?

He's, what a tiresome dude. He was, I handsome, I guess, for a minute. Yeah. For, for a minute. I feel like it's all like. Then he got all booze bloaty. I feel like it's handsome, model-ish actors who won an edge. They, they read doors of perception and they love Jim Morrison.

That's right. You know? Jared Leto. The good old joke. The fucking, like, I sent you a box with a rat in it because I'm the Joker. I sent you a box with a rat in it because I'm the Joker. Jared, come on. Do you remember when Grover played the Joker?

It's so close to those names. Grover, Joker. I'm a midnight smoker. I'm a Grover. Because I'm Grover. I'm the Joker. Oh man. I'm also Bram Stoker.

This is Dracula. This is a great parody. We need to get to it. We need to get to the final episode we're going to be counting down today. This is your episode number five. Number five. All right. Number five.

Boy, we're in the top five now. It's crazy, man. It's crazy. It's crazy. A lot of good episodes up till now. A lot of good episodes. A lot of laughs. Oh, but now it stops.

It's all over now. Now that we're the best ones. This stinker got in here somehow. People voted like they were voting for San Jaya. It's weirdly, the second year in the row, we mentioned San Jaya and the voting. We mentioned it last year. Really? Yeah.

We were talking about how people voted for these episodes, the ones they like. And then you mentioned maybe some people were voting for ones they didn't like. And we said like San Jaya. It's just, see, here's the thing. There's only so many things in the world. Yeah, but I've had this experience where I'll record a podcast. Let's say I do one with you and then it comes out much later. And so I don't remember the things that were said, but I will anticipate a response.

Right. Like somebody will say something and me listening to it in the present, I'm like, it makes me think of this. And then me on the recording, I say that thing. That happens all the time where I'm like, damn, I bet I missed a joke and then I'll say it. Yeah. It's terrifying to me. Yeah.

But it's like, is that just, is that because it's buried in my memory? I think it's no. Or is it just the reaction? I would have the triggers that whatever the person previous to you talking, whatever they said triggers the exact same thing in your brain, which makes you think of the exact same thing. You are a snowflake. You're very unique.

You're more unique. The most unique. All right. This is episode five that people voted for. And this is from April. So we're all over the map. Thanks, April. Thanks, April.

April sent us in? Yeah. Thanks, April. First time long time, April sent us this episode. This is episode 484 from April 24. And this is an episode called Pre-Chowder. This is familiar to me. Because you're on it, Paul.

Yes. Come on. I'm fucking cleaning up. I'm fucking cleaning up. Yeah. The celebratory air horn. That's right. Wow.

So this is your sixth appearance on the countdown. That's very. I'm very glad to hear that. This is crazy. So we have Jason Manzuchus. And this is another one of his appearances. He's himself. Of course, people know him as Rafi from the league by what they shouted in constantly

every day. We have John Gabriel as Geno. Intern Geno. Turning to the countdown. And he's playing his Geno character. And we have you. Do you remember what you played on this? One of your all time classic characters.

KK. An all time classic character. One of the ones you've been doing ever since the beginning of this show. One of the very first you ever did. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Andrew Lloyd Webber is correct, sir. Thank you. Thank you.

I appreciate that. I must admit, I was unfamiliar with what happened in this episode. Oh, I couldn't tell you. I barely remembered what character. So I listened to it a little bit today. And I believe Andrew Lloyd Webber has an idea for a new musical and. Isn't that every time? I believe it may be every time.

But this, I was listening to this episode today and it really is like a, it's kind of like a pal around episode. It's very, it's very much like it's just four people enjoying each other's company for an hour and a half. Which is a gift to the world. There's not even a ton of plot in it. It just is us like riffing the entire time. And I believe you came a little late.

So it's Gino and Jason and I for a minute of it. But let's hear a selection of this episode pre-chowder with Andrew Lloyd Webber. He has an idea for a new musical. This is your episode five. Number five. Jason Manzookas. We all know from how did this get made? And he plays Rafi or something.

That's true. Did you play? I play Ralphie on the. Ralphie King Ralph. I play King Ralph in the King Ralph prequel series. Pre-com series. What? Nobody enjoyed that more than you.

Look at you. Your face is red. You are having a, you're like. I have to be honest. I have to be honest with you. I'm contorting my mouth a certain way because I, you may have noticed this thing on my lip. My breakfast exploded in my face five days ago.

I had a, it's said, the thing said egg and bacon muffin. Okay. Just like a regular muffin. I heated up in the microwave. This is in your home? This is in my home. Okay. I bite into it.

I hear a loud pop. Oh no. It explodes on my face, burning my face. Really? Yes. I didn't even notice. Okay. So in any case, so my, my words are coming out a little bit differently because it's,

it's on the, it's on the, the tail end of, of being healed. Wow. Check it out. Do you see it? I don't want to take it. I don't want Kevin to creep in here and take any pictures of this. Okay. By the way, I know what he's into.

Anyway. Creepy mouth wound. Creepy mouth wound tumblers. Wow. Can we take that whole breakfast thing again real quick? Oh no. Is it, are we not rolling? I'm not positive.

I was just, just unplugging and plugging in some stuff over here. I hope you're positive. Why? Oh, I'm positive for three things, but not the big ones. Don't worry. None of the ones at Starwood H. Oh, okay. Do you know, well, do you know Lombardo?

Yes. That is correct. Ginovani, I believe. Ginovani. Yes. Gino is short for Ginovani. That's what they cut it at Ellis Island. Oh, did you cut through Ellis Island?

Yeah. On a field trip in fourth grade. And they changed it. Yeah. And they were like, hi, I'm Ginovani. They're like, it's Gino. Welcome to America. They shoved me down the fucking, they shoved me down the entire flight of stairs in the

torch. Really? Yeah. That is quite a few steps. Oh, it was a lot. Wow. You're from Long Island and you commute out here every, yeah. I'm just catching Jason up on all this.

Oh, I'm familiar. Of course. I know. And, you know, he's around as an intern. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Some episodes you are here and you're not even on mic.

I know. Well, I'm talking the whole time, but you don't let me sit at the table. Right. Which is fair. A lot of people don't know that. You're here a lot. It's like how Reggie Watts used to sing the comedy bang bang theme song live. Right.

And then you have to run out every time. Yeah. You're here a lot. Yeah. Oh, I'm here a lot. Obviously, I'm working. I'm not just a comedy bang bang intern. I'm an eowolf intern.

Sure. I'm doing a lot of stuff. Yeah. I'm selling socks, selling who-charted socks. Cool up your life socks. Yeah. And what do you do for Katie Currac? Anything?

She doesn't need any help because I'm always in there and she just makes me do stuff like take my shirt off and spin around in a circle for her. Interesting. Just like, yeah, kind of eyeball me and stuff. I think she's into like skinny girls. She's into super, yeah. Speaking of a tube, by the way, you look like you've been through a lot. Yeah.

A lot of people call me Johnny pipe cleaners and I'm like, my name's Gino and they're like, it just works better if you say Johnny first. Right. I'm like, well, Gino pipe cleaners work. Let's not get into the semantical argument I have with my bagel guy. You're bagel guy. He's the guy. Ronnie at Bagel Town Cafe.

This motherfucker is in your grill when you're trying to say scooped out with chicken salad. He's like, scoop it out. Come on. You weigh nothing. I'm like, I don't need carbs. I'm looking for protein. We don't have to get into it. Are you paleo?

I'm going full paleo. Yeah. I eat honey exclusively out of beehives now. It's killing me. It's like Winnie the Pooh style. That explains a lot of that. Yeah. My face is pretty, I'm pretty rocky.

Have you ever gotten stuck in like a hole like Winnie the Pooh did? Trying to get some honey? Stuck in a hole? Wasn't he famously stuck in a honey pot? Oh, was it a honey pot? I forget. He was like, because there's not a lot of honey in holes. I thought that he went into a hole.

If you know what I mean. Come on. He's not in the hole. You're looking. Hang on. You're checking. You're checking all rogue holes for honey. I'm like, I'm in there just playing a little game I like to call.

Find the honey. I thought he got stuck in like he was trying to get a honey pot. I think that too. Yeah, I'm sure. The guy gets stuck there. He was dumb. Winnie the Pooh was dumb. Do you know, is that also why you're only wearing a top and no pants?

Yes. You're going full Winnie the Pooh? I'm pretty sure Paleo means you live as Winnie the Pooh lived. Pullio? I'm going full Pullio. I am hanging around with a nine-year-old boy named Christopher. A lot of weird looks. I think that's appropriate.

I think I should get this. And a donkey and a tiger. I have such a long, thin dick that not a lot of people even see it. Yeah. It's almost like two-dimensional. Yes. It's like fruit by the foot. Okay.

Welcome back. Welcome back. This is your fault. You know who you started it. You started it with pre-com. You're talking the talking tang in numbers. I beg your indulgence. Bisexual intern you have.

I apologize greatly. And Jason Matthews. Are you still on Ashley Madison? I am still on Ashley Madison. You're not married. What are you doing on there? I'm just looking to wreck homes. Looking to just get in there and destroy some people's lives.

I have a very specific fetish where I like to be fucking someone and have them accidentally call me their partner's name. It's very difficult to arrange. Is this due to your home life growing up with your different dads and all that? Yeah. We're all growing up in a broken home. And your home is literally broken. Yeah, it is.

Physically broken in half. Lightning struck the middle and it opened up. I live in a giant V where you have to leap across a chasm to get from my bedroom to the bathroom. A chasm. Chasm. That's how you say it in Long Island. Oh yeah, it's a chasm.

It's a schism or a chasm. And we have another guest on the show. This is a unique opportunity. I believe the two of you know each other. So you can continue to talk during this segment. Okay, that's fine. We know each other. I won't talk because I'm an intern but we'll see.

That's right. The aforementioned podcast musical semicolon comedy is... Musical semicolon theater. Theater, sorry. Although that's a good spin-off too. Musical semicolon comedy. Stop giving them ideas that don't feature me. How do you know this wouldn't feature you?

Oh, that's fair. It could. It could. I don't know much about comedy. Do you need a yawn? Sorry, I was directly into the microphone. I thought I was going to and then I didn't. Oh, those are contagious.

My sincerest apologies. Oh boy. He sincerely apologized. Come to some fucking slack. He is the host of that podcast, which I just mentioned. That's what he's most famous for. And nothing else. And he had a birthday about a month ago as well.

He shares a birthday with Steven Sondheim. And the aforementioned Lin-Manuel Miranda was celebrating it on Twitter as well. Oh, I got to check it out. Yeah, so please welcome Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yay! Hello, hello. Scott Rick. Yes.

Why did you have to mention Steven Sondheim? Well, I just find it interesting. You are both very accomplished in your certain field of work and you share a birthday. Yes, one rightfully so accomplished. The other accidentally. Just because we share a birthday doesn't mean you have to bring it up at every last return. I'm so sorry, but I just wonder if there's anything about March 22, 322 that lends itself.

Do you mean 223? Sorry, sorry. Yes, of course. Then lends itself to being good at the art of musical semicolon theatre. Well, let's see. You have two examples of people who have gone into the theatrical arts. One, very good. One, considered good by some.

So I would say the jury's still out, dear boy. Which are you? Which is which? How dare you! Which one's a Lord? Is what I would say. Hey, hey, hey. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, please put away your sword.

I don't know. Well, why do they give me the blasphemy? Welcome back to the show, Lord Webber. It's so great to see you. There you'll scot-rick. It feels as if quite some time has passed. It has been quite a while. How long would you say?

And why haven't you asked me to be on the program in all that time? I am so sorry. Who has been here in my absence? We've had so many. We've had a gentleman who's a rapper. We've had, oh, this guy, big chunky bubbles keeps coming back. The entertainer? Yeah.

He's all here. You do? Yes, of course. Haven't you ever seen his act? No, he just describes it. He makes these, there's no other way to describe it, big chunky bubbles. Yes, we know. Our soup stews and chowders.

One wonders when he comes on the show why he doesn't actually make some of them. He's never done that. That sounds amazing. He just described it. It's a visual medium, dear boy. Why would he? Well, I have eyes. Is that why I had to run out and buy all that chowder the other day?

No, I think that was a different reason. Oh, okay. That's the Yo Is This Racist guy, just slamming chowder at his podcast. Because what's better on a hot day than some hot chowder? Oh, yeah. Hot, thick, clam chowder. Nothing like nukin' a can of chowder and then holding it in a glove. Comedy bang bang.

Brought to you by Precum and Chowder. Oh, God. You like that one, Andrew? Whatever. Pre-chowder. Pre-chowder. Well, I've got to be able to do the job of getting a little racy with the boys. What if, before you made some chowder, there was just like a thinner layer of chowder.

It was pre-chowder. All right. That will do. It's pre-chowder and then you add the clams. Don't get me wrong. There's clams in the pre-chowder. Yeah, you gotta be careful. You eat the pre-chowder and it has clams.

Be careful. Be careful. If you made a batch very soon before, there may be a little clam. Oh, there's definitely still some clams in there. So hello, Andrew. You just... You don't have more? No, I don't have more.

Are you certain? Yeah. No, we're done on this. I could keep going, but it seems like Scott wants to stop talking about it. No, we're done. We're done. We're done. Lord Webber, were you?

Sometimes you have to fill the can up with piss to wash all the chowder out. With piss. Sometimes you need to fill the can up with piss. If this is your first time listening. Yeah. Goodbye. Welcome to the best episode of the show. Oh, I'm gonna check out this show.

I wonder what episode 499 is like. Lord Webber, what are you up to? What are you doing here? Well, you know, it's a bit embarrassing. I didn't realize that... Now, what's that? Why? See?

I'm sorry. What's the deal again? You're in contrary. Why? You're in a mood where you're being bawdy with your young boyfriend. You missed it. He, a muffin exploded in his face, so it altered his behavior. He got boot cockied by breakfast earlier in the week.

And it's now real, trying to really overcompensate. Under no circumstances tell me this story. What's going on with my lip here? I don't see any... You grimaced at me like a sickly wolf. That was legit a snarl, I believe. It's a face, when you do it, it's a face you otherwise never make. Which is interesting to see someone make a face that they otherwise never make.

That's true, who would ever make that face? I agree. What face have I never seen you make? I don't know, let's see. I've seen that one. That was when you were trying to make a bunch of pancakes in time for the kids who were visiting. The pancake festival you throw in your house. Honestly, that got shut down.

Did you have a comedy tent going on in there? Yes, I had a comedy tent, it was poorly run. But it was close to the music tent, at least so that everything was nearly inaudible. Which is what I want in my comedy. I want to be outside, uncomfortable, hot, and not able to hear it. Lord Weber, you ever do a music festival? I've done several music festivals. Which ones?

Let's see, Coachella. Are there musical festivals? Are there festivals where multiple musicals are going on on multiple stages all the time? That would be amazing, like Hamilton is top build on Saturday. But if you get there early enough, you can see Miss Saigon and then all the others. All the others. We did do one on the Isle of Wight, and it was a very ambitious idea. And the main problem was we had several stages set up with musicals happening concurrently.

The noise was deafening. I would assume so. You could not, it was unpleasant to attend any singular performance. And there was so much noise, it killed all the birds. No. Was this during something like Stomp? Was Stomp there? Of course Stomp was there.

Was Blue Man group there? Blue Man group was there? Bring in Da Noi's, bring in Da Funk. What about Da Funk? Oh, Da Funk was there. Both without. A musical theater festival, that's a lot of massage circles. I feel like that show, if it were just like bringing both Da Noi's and Da Funk, it would be a better title.

Well, you can't have them brought in at the same time, dear boy. Really? You must bring them in one at a time. Ah, separately. Oh yeah, they can't be together. I see, I see. If you've never seen the show in the first act, they bring in Da Noi's, and then they take an intermission. And they say, by the way, come back.

Come back, because we're bringing in Da Funk. Da Noi's will remain. In the old, when the show first opened, Da Noi's had to vacate the building. Wow. Before Da Funk was brought in. Really? Yes. Well, Da Noi's, I had read, there's a great book about this.

I had read that Da Noi's thought that he was the star of the show. Ah. And when he found out that Da Funk was coming in after here. Was the headliner. He was not. Da Noi's was told that the name of the program was Bring in Da Noi's. Full stop. Correct.

And it wasn't until he saw a poster on the subway that he realized he'd been duped. Ah, and the person said, you didn't let me finish. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Bring in Da Noi's, semi-colon, bring in Da Funk. What was this festival called, Lord Weber? It seemed so interesting. I mean, it seemed, a festival like that, I would love to go to it.

It was cold. You said it was going to be Isle of Light? Isle of Light. It was cold. Yes? I get emotional when I think about it. Oh, of course. I could see you recollecting.

It was such a wonderful idea. It was your idea as well. It was not my idea. Whose idea was it? It was the idea of every one of us who composed musical theater. We all banded together. The first time. Yes, he was there, of course.

Steven Sandheim, Kander and Eb, Rodgers and Haverson. Every surviving person at that time. And if they had not survived to that point, their robot doubles were there. So you've got like a Moon of Peridot. This was 1975. A robot, George and Ira Gershwin. That's correct. Jerome Kern.

Irving Berlinbott was there. Did you guys do Moving Out, Billy Joel and Chookbox? This predated that. Also, there were no juicing box musicals present. You don't like those? Oh, interesting. I do not. Oh my heavens.

You cannot just cobble together. Like a common cobble. I said this on the record. Which record? The record where I give my thoughts and feelings. Haven't you purchased that album? It's called Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. Is it a 45?

Oh no, it's double albums. Double LP. It's called Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. I sit on a chair on a stage alone. Is it like Three Sides Live? Three Sides Live. I just talk about whatever comes into my mind. My feelings on things.

By the way, you should do this. We should sell this. You should do a double album. I'm saying I've already done it. You have to survive somewhere. I don't know if the entire thing survives. We really should put out a special edition of this. 180 gram vinyl.

Come on. What? Just very high quality vinyl. He's a coke head. You just give me that record. I didn't realize you were a coke head. I'm super into cocaine now. It's brand new in my life.

I just discovered. How do you find it? It's terrific. I'm getting a lot done. It's wonderful. I'm getting a lot done. I've registered a whole bunch of new domain names. That's smart.

That's a good money maker. Take us through at least 15 of them. Okay. Scott Ackerman is a piece of shit. You can get Scott Ackerman as a piece of shit. .ninja now. Really? Is .ninja a thing?

.ninja is a thing. Reply all. Oh my God, of course. I think I also heard you then. That's probably true, Gina. So, Andrew Lloyd Webber, what was the name of this festival again? The name of the festival.

You'll forgive me. You're forgiven. It was called A Perfect Evening Surrounded by Water. Wow. By the way, that sounds amazing. That's a great festival. It was an aspirational title, of course.

That's what we thought it was going to be. You thought it was going to be a perfect evening. A perfect evening surrounded by water. And then the birds. So, every one of the shows started at the same time? We've used two. Are you sorry? You mentioned Robert Durst.

It's a trigger for me. Oh, sorry. I burp anytime I hear. I do apologize. We've used two usages of the word jinx. Yeah. Oh, wow. You jinxed yourself and a jinx.

And we had a jinx. Please stop saying it. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I've never heard you belch before. I never. It's never happened in public. You did it, Gino. They figured you out.

Killed them all, of course. So, you thought it was going to be. Are you guys still doing your jinx remake? We are writing. Your shot-for-shot. Shot-for-shot remake of that. Fictional jinx remake. Taking the documentary and turning it in.

Of the unlucky documentary, we call it. That's really, I love that as a move. Yeah. Gus Vanzantz going to direct it, we think. Perfect. He's the shot-for-shot guy. You see Genosaphat as the titular jinx. Oh, my.

As the jinx. Why are you working on something that makes you belch? He's the jinx. He's because it's worth it. I do it for the artistry. Art must be challenging. ALW, are you writing songs into this jinx? Yes.

I am. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. This is the line that's been crossed? Yes. Why are you wanting him to stop? We're having a great time. Did you want to talk about pre-com again?

No, I'm enjoying. I mean. Did you want to talk about getting a hot load of egg on your face? You turned this now into something that it was not. Mission accomplished. You weren't blowing an egg sandwich until it exploded all over your face and burned you. You shouldn't have told us anything about your personal life. I'm sorry.

Next time, I'll just keep it close to the chest. Number five. Oh, yes. A lot of burps. Yeah. Disgusting. Yeah. How were you able to do that on command?

Are you able to burp on command? Yes. I don't know. I command you to burp. It works. It's gross. I've never been able to do it. You're not missing anything.

Well, it was a coveted skill on the playground in the schoolyard that all my friends could do and I could never do. And they'd be like, just swallow some air. Never works. It has never worked for me. I can't cry on command as an actor. I can't either. Just an actor.

It's a terrible thing. I would rub the irritating stuff on the eyes. Still couldn't do it. Do you remember? We may have talked about this before. I don't know if we've talked about it on air. My interest has peaked. But on Comedy Bang Me and the TV show, one of the episodes I was on, there was another

actor. We were setting up some reaction to something that was happening and it was something emotional. And this actor said, do you want me to cry? And everyone on set went, whoa! Like sarcastically? No, they were like, oh my god, this is going to be amazing. And then this actor just had the makeup person come over and do the stick. Oh, right.

And it was like, oh yeah, well. Yeah, anybody could do that except for me. Oh, so you're saying even with the menthol stick? I put so much there. It was Onions episode. I don't know if you recall that one. The Gillian Jacobs, Jason Manzukas episode where it's flashbacks. I had to stand over a coffin and cry and say, why, why?

And we tried everything and nothing was working. It was terrible. Yeah, you just couldn't get it done. So you were getting just the stinging of your eyes but no tears? Yeah. And they were all kind of red, but no tears were falling down. They were like, that thing where you put it in to the eye and then it drips down, that would work, but then they would put it in and then they'd go, okay, let's roll camera.

And then by the time, so I would say, hey, do it the last thing, like roll already. Exactly. That's very basic. The one time I've seen an actor cry on command is Charlize Theron when we did a Between Two Ferns with her. And we had this gag where Zack was going to do an advertisement in the middle of it and we were trying to figure out what's the most inopportune time to interrupt her and do an advertisement.

And we were saying, oh, could you like cry about something? And she's like, yeah, I guess I could tell a fake story and just like cry at the end of it. We're like, really? Could you? And she tells the story and it's in the episode, you can watch. She tells the story about, I think, a dead pet and then she just bursts into tears and they're coming down and I'm like, oh, I guess she thought of a real thing or whatever.

We call cut and we go, oh, wow, was that a real story? She goes, no, I just made all that up. I was amazed. She sounds like a sociopath. That's what I'm saying, to be a good actor, you have to have problems, I think. Well, let me tell you this, Scott, be quiet. Okay, will do. Years ago, I had an audition for a James L. Brooks movie and I never got an audition

just before. What was it? I can't remember what it was. Whatever works is Larry David. There was one with Paul, Paul, how do you know? How do you know? How do you know? How do you know?

How do you know? How do you know? James L. Brooks' swan song. That was his last movie? I believe it was. And he's never doing one again? I don't think he is. Do you think he's not allowed to?

I don't know what's going on with it. We have a mutual friend that you should talk to about this. What's that? Okay. I got this audition and it's a very emotional scene. And so I remember at the time I was in a hotel room, I was doing a gig and so I'm going over the lines because I'm going to put myself on tape when I get back home, it was the year that I was living in New York.

And so I'm doing it and as I'm doing it in the hotel room by myself, I'm crying, right? Yes, yes. And I was like, oh my God, this is great. I can do this. I've never done this before. I've never accessed these emotions. So then I go to do it, I'm going to tape it with my wife, Janie, is going to read the other lines and then a friend of mine, another friend of ours was going to, a friend, Phil

was going to operate the camera and read a couple of the miscellaneous lines. And so as we're doing it, I am, I'm trying. Yeah. And it's not happening. You're forcing it, yeah. Meanwhile, Janie, off camera, she's crying because the words are so beautiful. She's like in it. You know what I mean?

She's more in it. She's not even on camera for this. And I was like, okay, well, that's... You know what it is? Interesting. I think I was talking about this in regards to Lauren Lapkis' and John Gabrus' podcast raised by TV, where I had to do a Will Smith scene from Fresh Prince, where they do a very special episode.

That's a feature on their show. And they gave me the scene and I didn't read it. I was like, oh, I'll just call it Read This. And then as I was reading it, I got so choked up and I started welling up because the words were... I was accessing the emotions for the first time. And then those guys were sort of like, Lauren was kind of getting misty and stuff. And I think the more you do something, the more you're just like, oh yeah, these emotions.

Where I was kind of like, I think I would be a great actor if you just put up cue cards and I just was reading everything for the first time. And then I could be in the scenes. You know what I mean? But do they do that for anyone? Let's try it. Let's do it. Let's see how it works.

Put us in something. Put us in something together. Have the cue cards. Can you fucking imagine? There have to be like a whole generation of filmmakers and TV makers who listen to the show, who grew up learning what comedy is, I don't know about that, but who have definitely listened to the show to put us in something. Can you imagine if we get put in some big thing, like we just get a scene because somebody

likes us and then there's real actors there and we demand cue cards. Thank you for putting us in this. Now get us our goddamn cue cards. We've never looked at the script. Of course not. I'm not going to read the script. What am I playing? I will say that was sort of like Reggie on Comedy Bang Bang would never read the script

and because he wanted to have those emotions really fresh. But to the point where you would have to tell him what he had to say in the scene orally, infurbly. Here's what you say. It's an interesting style. It definitely, but I am amazed at actors who can access that kind of thing take after take after take. It's crazy to me.

All right, we're wrapping it up here, but I did want to play something at the end of this episode. Oh yeah, you're just playing special things. This comes from an episode which did not make the countdown and was so close and was literally in the top 10 at certain points in the voting. And at the, just by the end of the voting, there was such a rush for voting for episodes that did make the countdown. It just slipped down further and further to now it's not in the countdown anymore.

But this is from episode 515 and we're playing songs here at the end. So I wanted to play something from an episode which did not make the countdown. This is return to suicide house part 666. And I don't believe, I was very excited when I saw it was doing so well on the countdown for so long because I don't believe any of the Halloween episodes have ever made the top. Is that true? I don't think so.

Some people should check on those stats for me, but I don't believe it ever has. And so I don't think that we've maybe never played this song on the best ofs before, so I wanted to play it. But let me set up a song. Is it a song I think it is? Oh yeah, of course. So let me break down the scene. So Nick Weigar, whom people would know from the Doughboys.

Doughboys. Doughboys? Is it Doughboys? I guess I've never really, I've just read it. I've only ever seen your print. I thought it was Doughboys. I guess it might be Doughboys. Okay, you're right.

People know him from the Doughboys podcast and he worked on Bang Bang for a number of years. I believe he worked on the third season and then got a different job for the fourth maybe, came back for the fifth, something like that. So he's around a lot. He was working on something with me this year, this last year. So really funny guy. And I knew he did this thing, this song that's a parody of the Monster Mash.

I think I knew it. And so I asked him to be on the Halloween episode. Like the first... There's video of it. There's video of it. Okay. There's a produced music video. It's something he's been doing for a number of years.

And so whenever we had this first Halloween episode that we did seven years ago or something, I asked him to do this song. And it's basically become a tradition every year, much like Letterman's J.Thomas, who'd RIP by the way, this year, he passed away this year when he would tell the story about the Lone Ranger. It's something that I look forward to every year, mainly because I enjoy him doing it, but I also enjoy hearing the contortions he goes through to try to make it fresh. Even though he's going to do the exact same thing.

So the characters machinations of tricking me into listening to it every year is always really fun. And I get to play Pist that he is doing it again this year. This is a parody of the Monster Mash, a song called The Monster Fuck. Basically what happens is he did it the first year and then every year tricks me into saying it's a different song. After you grill him to a lengthy degree, you're absolutely positive you're not going to do the same thing.

You're not going to do it. And he apologizes every year saying that he knows he tricked me the other years, but he's penitent. And so this year, and it's, by the way, also Caroline Anderson, I mentioned her on a previous episode. She was the writer's assistant on Bang Bang. The first year that he did it on Bang Bang, I think he brought her and Eva Anderson, who was another writer on the show, to sing backups.

And Caroline has just come back every year to do it. So this is the latest version of it. People love hearing it every year. This is the latest iteration of The Monster Fuck. I'm very excited. This is the world premiere of Scary Love by Scare Line. Is that your stage name as well? Yes.

Okay, Scare Line. Just Scare Line, like Madonna or Cher? Just Scare Line, yes. Okay, fantastic. So Scare Line with spooky love. This is exciting. Let's hear it. Here we go.

Comedy Fang Fang world premiere. Scare Line, scary love, featuring Leo Carpazzi. I was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight for my monster from his slab, began to rise and suddenly, to my surprise, his trousers dropped right to the floor with this bottom bear. He ran to the door. I said, Frankenstein, what's gotten into you? He said my dick is hard and I need to screw.

He did the fuck. He did the monster fuck. Come on. The monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. He did the fuck. That monster sucked and fucked. He did the fuck.

He did the monster fuck part six. Scary love. Part six. From a laboratory I heard quite the racket, deep in the castle, the vampires jacked it. The zombies all fucked in the graveyard grass. Man wolf down Frankenstein's ass. They did the fuck. They did the monster fuck.

The monster fuck. It was a graveyard fuck. They did the fuck. Those monsters sucked and fucked. They did the fuck. They did the monster fuck. The beasts all fucked as the orgy spread. Bigfoot gave the headless horseman head.

Swamp thing jerked off in the castle moat. A Frankenstein gag from the jizz in his throat. The fucking was wet, there was spooch like mad. Igor decided to fuck his own dad. The mummy let out the horny moan when Medusa's bare tits turned his dick to stone. They did the fuck. They did the monster fuck. The monster fuck.

It was a graveyard fuck. They did the fuck. Those monsters sucked and fucked. They did the fuck. They did the monster fuck. And Frankenstein's bride was horny as hell. The hunchback went bareback and rang her bell. She got titty fucked by a giant spider.

Jizz made the streaks in her hair much whiter. She fucked every monster, come one, come all. Her three holes were filled like a bowling ball. And while skeletons boned his undead bride, Frankenstein just jacked off and cried. Now you should fuck. It's now the monster fuck. The monster fuck. And it's a graveyard fuck.

The monster fuck. Those monsters suck and they fuck. Now you should fuck. Now you can monster fuck part six. Here you are. Oh, these monsters are depraved. Here you are. They're fucking and sucking with no regard for the world around them.

Christ has abandoned this place as these monsters fucking fuck. God. Whoa. Scare a line. Great job. You crushed it. I love that. I'm so proud of you.

Grandpappy's so proud. Really good. Okay. Ah, there it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is.

There it is. Always a good time. Thanks to Nick Weiger. All right. That's wrapping it up for today's New Year's Day episode. We have one more episode to go with our top four. Are you excited, Paul? Well, I mean, let me just say this.

If I'm not in any of the top four episodes, right, you might not be. And if I'm not, I want to, I want to let you down gently. I understand. Okay. Are you telling me for sure? I'm not saying you for sure, but I just want to make sure to adjust your expectations. I understand. But here are my expectations.

Okay. What are your expectations? If I am not in any of the top four episodes, okay, I'm going to be very angry. Are you going to hulk out? We'll see. Hulk out. Hulk out. family.

See you next time. This has been an ear wolf production executive produced by Scott Ockerman, Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson. For more information and content visit EarWolf.com. Want to hear ear wolf pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Ear Wolf Presents is full of great stuff like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peaks behind the paywall and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Ear Wolf. Starting January 21st, Ear Wolf

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