Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2018 Pt. 2

Episode Date: December 27, 2018

Scott and Paul F. Tompkins continue the Best of 2018 Comedy Bang! Bang! countdown with numbers ten through seven. You’re welcome!

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Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Yep. You know, at first I thought that sounded rude. You were petrified. That was a clip that we played on the last episode. But then, it's nice. Yeah, it is nice. Thanks to Call Waiting for Godot

for that catchphrase submission. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 2018, part two. We, what's going on? Part two. We're doing it. Part two. We're gonna take you to part two.

Part two. That is a big audio dynamite reference. Bad. Yes. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 18. Thank you. Best of 18.

I imagine I put a little apostrophe before 18. Comedy Bang Bang has put out 18 episodes. These are the best of those. These are the best 18. Let's say hello to everyone. My name is Scott Ackerman. Welcome to the show. This is part two, of course.

Scott, introduce me. I'm kinda, I'll get there. No, but tell him away. Tell him away. Right now? I was gonna give you a nice big introduction that was just, talk about a lot of your... You want me to say some nice things about you?

Do your thing, do your thing. Paul F. Tompkins is here. Yeah. Oh, so you're not, no nice things. No, I figured that you wanted to be introduced. I said do your thing. And it just seemed to me like you were gonna be upset if I didn't introduce you right away.

Well, I'm upset now. I didn't know about the nice things. Okay, let me try to do the nice things. He was not a good start. Law and Order, nor 30 Rock. These are the nice things? These are the nice things. He did not sully those wonderful television programs.

Oh, Scott, you are doing me dirty. No, of course, we all know Paul F. Tompkins from his many appearances on this show, but his wonderful career, off mic. And on the boards. Of course. Broadway. And the old Globe Theater. Oh, the old Globe Theater.

Have you ever done a Shakespeare play, Paul? No, I never have. I never have. I would love to see you in one. Really? Yeah, I would. I think it would be really fun. You could do like a two-month run.

What is there a Shakespeare? Two minutes later. I don't know what any of those words mean is the problem. Okay, you don't know what run means. Four suits and shit. Oh, those words. Yeah, Shakespeare words. Thou.

Thou just means you. Dust. Does. Oh, this is easier than I thought. Yeah, all you gotta do is like. Then me thinks. I think. What?

These are easy. It's one to one? Yeah, that's all. There, does it solve it? Is there a part in a Shakespeare play that you were like, that you've ever been like, all things being equal, that would be fun to play that. I mean, I guess like Richard the third.

That'd be fun. Would be fun. The hunchback of England. I mean, it's such a, there's a lot going on there. Yeah, what is it? He wants horses and all sorts of stuff. He loves them. He loves horses.

He loves using horse guy. Horses may come up a little later in our countdown. Oh, that's right. Are we gonna talk about Red Dead Redemption 2? Yes, we are. A thing that's on the edge of my brain all the time. Did you want to play Shakespeare's Red Dead Redemption 2? I would do as well.

I would love to. The second? To assay the role of Red Dead Redemption the second. Oh man, I think if Shakespeare were alive today, he would be writing video games. For sure. He'd be writing cut scenes from video games. Oh, how the soul has slain me.

He would talk exactly the same. Oh, I must eat. Oh, I die. I die. I must pick and eat these herbs to restore my dead eye core. That is the type of specificity that only a true player would offer to that drift. True player.

I'm a gamer. You are a gamer. And I feel like it's about ethics and journalism. Yes, you're a big gamer gay person, are you not? Big gamer gay person. Oh, love it. And I'm a QAnon guy too. Oh, I love the idea of QAnon.

It's great. But there's some secret guy out there who's giving us all the secret dirt. Guys, I got some new secrets for you. New secrets. The new QAnons are here. The new QAnons are here. Me, QAnon.

Are you ready for the latest secret? Yeah, here's Trixie. Is he not? Welcome to the show. What we're gonna be doing this episode is we are, I touched the flame just to see if it was hot. I touched the flame. I touched.

We have some fake candles here. I mean, they're not fake. They are real, but they are not fire candles. They are battery operated. This is interesting. Yes. Are they real candles? They're, I mean, the wax is fake.

They're shaped like candles. The light is fake. They appear to be, the wax is fake. The light is fake. And thus I spake. The candle's fake. You gotta do Shakespeare, my man. You were born for.

Gotta do it. What about like the Tempest? You wanna play, or no, King Lear. What about King Lear? That'd be fun. Oh, you gotta pick somebody up. Picks? Oh, oh, oh, I thought you meant like

on the way to rehearsals. Yeah, you had a carpool. All those three daughters, you gotta pick them up every day. Doesn't sound fun to me. It's where the Shakespeare wrote that into. Who, so ever, plays the Mad King. You see the Mad King?

He must just carpool with his daughters. Or else my curse is upon you. Shakespeare curse. No, not the Macbeth one. That's you guys. That was not me. Not the Wandering Jew curse. Oh, Wandering.

Wandering Jew curse. Wandering Jew curse to me. Wow. You should play Shakespeare. I think that would be fun. Like we should for fun, maybe do a reading of a Shakespeare thing one night. That would be fun, right?

Maybe one of his comedies or something. My fear is that I would be absolutely terrible at it. I think all we would have to do is study it for months and months and months. That sounds good. And work with acting coaches. Man, we're doing this for free, right? Oh, of course.

Sounds good. I think it would be fun. I did Midsummer Night Stream when I was in college and that was a lot of fun. And I did Romeo monologues. Banished head. Oh no, what did he want banished? He, I believe Romeo is banished himself.

Oh, he got banished. He was complaining about it. That's what Shakespeare is, is like people complaining about things. Romeo going banished and he kicks a rock. Banished. Is it Romeo or is it another dude? No, I get Romeo and Hamlet confused.

Well, they're different. They are different people, right? They're not even in the same movie. Oh man, what an amazing movie to have the whole Shakespeare extended universe, all those characters together. The Avengers of Shakespeare. The SCU to have like,

if they did like a Justice League or Avengers. Oh my God, that would be amazing. With Shakespeare characters. You just have like, Lady Macbeth, just totally, you know. The powers of persuasion. Out Brief Candle to the last syllable of recorded time. Is that her?

I know she's out damn spot for sure. Out damn spot, that's what I meant. What is the Brief Candle? Time, what is it? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, to the last syllable of recorded time. I used to know all these things. Blah, blah, blah, to the.

Wait, if we could do that, then I'm in for the Shakespeare thing. My old teacher had a wonderful expression he coined called bard-libbing. Which was if, yes, if you're ever on stage and you can't remember your next line, you just say things like, Forsooth, how does one,

and just kind of like ramble on it. I can't imagine all the gates of heaven ooped for me. It sounds good. Until you can finally remember it. I would like to do that. I would love to do like a mash-up, or a Hulk's mash-up,

Hulk mash-up of all these Shakespeare things and you know, just like. All these Shakespeare things. You're a big Blink 182 bit. I love them. Scored by the music of Blink 182. Shakespeare Avengers. Shakespeare Avengers scored

by the music of Blink 182. Blink 183. What a weird night at the theater that would be. But god damn it, we couldn't pull it off. Gotta make it happen. I think that would be a lot of fun to do. There I have several one night only things that I wanna do.

Of course there's our little shop of horrors. Of course there is. That we've been threatening people that we were going to do a night of for years. Yeah. And then there's the Rocky vs. Rambo stage reading. Oh yeah, why doesn't that happen? Well, I wanna get Stallone involved.

I wanna get Stallone to read one of the parts. Is that what's holding it up? Yes, honestly. I wanna get it to you. Are you ever prepared to let that go or? Is that my one condition? I think it's a deal breaker. Is it your one condition?

Okay. No, it's just the time of doing it. I would love it if Stallone would do it. If we did it for charity and he were to do it and maybe Nick Kroll does the other, does either Rocky or Rambo. I mean, he seems to have a terrific sense of humor about himself and a terrific sense of humor in general.

He probably does. Probably. I think it would be fun. Those are my top three charity one night only events that I wanna do is Rocky vs. Rambo, Little Shop of Horrors and the Shakespeare Avengers scored by the music of Blink-182. And if someone else can be in charge of any of these,

I'll show up. Who's in the Shakespeare Avengers? Lady Macbeth. Polonius. Hamlet. So you were taking like- Rosengranz, Guildenstern? No, come on. If we're real, I mean, are we gonna do this?

The real Avengers? Are we gonna do this? Okay, okay, okay. You gotta have Hamlet. Gotta have Hamlet. You gotta have Romeo and Juliet. Yes. You gotta have King Lear.

Yeah. I think Lady Macbeth over Macbeth. Yeah, you're probably right. Lady Macbeth. You gotta have Bottom. Yes, absolutely. And Famous Power Bottom, Ebenezer Scrooge. Throw him in there.

Throw him in there. This, I like this a lot. That's a good seven. Wait, who does update? Who does update? Yeah. Colin Jost? Colin Jost, yeah, but throw Colin Jost in there.

I don't want him in there. All right, I like Colin. He's fine, but come on. That's a- Big bang bang fan. It's a bridge too far. It's a bridge too far. Who else, there must be one we're forgetting.

What about one of his comedies? His comedies, the lead characters, they're not as well regarded as those other ones. I guess maybe Richard III would be in there, but we gotta get- Richard III, yes. We gotta get more women than Lady Macbeth and Juliet in there.

Who else do we have? I guess maybe instead of- Oh, Beatrice from Taming of the Shrew. Yeah, yeah, she's good, right? She's a powerful lady. She's a powerful lady. Okay, put Beat, is that her name though? See, that's the thing, if they don't have a name-

I believe that it is. Is she like Black Widow though, or she's just- She's just what? She was barely put in there just to get, you know, like no one really knows her, although she'll have a movie of her own. Taming of the Shrew's pretty famous.

Taming of the Shrew is, but Beatrice, I'm not sure that, I mean, there are probably Shakespeare fans out there who are like, Beatrice, of course, but like- Probably Shakespeare fans screaming at their iPods right now. But me, Beatrice doesn't like, oh, you know, like if you were to say Hamlet,

everyone, you don't even need to say Shakespeare. At least the titular room. Yeah, everyone knows who that is. If you were to say Romeo- All the rest of these are title characters. Yeah, there's never been another Romeo, but Beatrice- And there never will be.

Other than Caesar Romeo. What if it was called the Taming of Beatrice, the Shrew? See, that is, and that I've- Why don't we just call her the Shrew? Okay, the Shrew is in there. Great. No, that's been my opinion. If you want to be nominated for Emmys,

if you're an actor and you wanna be nominated for Emmys- You better make a pretty woman your wife. You should always insist that the show be titled after your character. Because then, because Nurse Jackie, Dexter, because any time you go out there and present on the Emmys, and when I say present, I mean, stick your asses out on the Emmys. Stick your red ass out there

to let everyone know you're ready to mate. They always say like, Nurse Jackie herself, Edie Falco, or TV's Dexter. Can I tell you something, Scott? What? This is a name that changes all the rules. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? No.

Valerie. Val- But that was her real name, though. It was her real name, but it was also the character's name. It was Valerie Jarrett, right? She plays- Valerie Jarrett. I thought the picture was right.

She had that whole career as a sitcom star before she went to work for Obama. Valerie Harper. Valerie Harper, right. Was the star of the show that became the Hogan family. Right. Valerie Harper had a contract dispute. And I think-

And they were like, you can't fire Valerie. I think, yes, I think she thought like, there's this fool proof. She's like, look, this is my show. Yeah. Boing, she's gone. The Hogan family. Sandy Duncan is in.

Sandy Duncan is in. To win. And they didn't call it Sandy. No, they didn't. They called it the Hogan family. Because like, let that be a lesson to all of you. Aren't they calling it the Conner family too, the Roseanne thing?

The Conners, yeah. There's a precedent. There's a precedent, but the Hogan family was canceled. Like right after- No, it was not. Hogan family ran for a while. Did it? Yes, it did.

Let's look this up. How long did the Hogan family, we're looking into the control- Both looking at the booth and no one's in there. And everyone's just like leaving. All right, we'll figure this out. Sam's back with a bowl of popcorn. That's what you went to go eat?

Popcorn? That's not gonna give you a filled up stomach. What am I trying to say? That's not gonna give you a filled up stomach. Let's talk about recent TV trivia. I feel like we've talked about I Dream of Jeannie and Valerie. TV trivia?

Yeah. Is there a recent show that has any kind of trivia that you know? We talked about Smash though, that's send me recent. Smash is pretty recent. There was an episode of 60 Minutes on the other night. Okay, let's talk about the trivia.

I heard that- Was an Oprah Winfrey a 60 Minutes contributor for a while or is she still one? Was she? I think she's like, it's like one of those things where like, I'm Mike Wallace. I'm Lady Bird Johnson.

No, who am I thinking of? No, it's Lady Bird Johnson. And I'm Oprah Winfrey. Remember me? Well, here's what's weird. The Hogan family? Yeah. They're not listed in IMDB.

I bet if I put in Valerie. Then it would, oh really? Is this a Mandela effect? Oh no, is this a Bernstein Bears? Does everyone know it as Valerie? That is interesting. How do you IMDB this if- 1986 to 1991.

1986. Yeah. 86 through 91, five years. Six seasons. Six seasons. How many of these are Valerie seasons? How many of these are Hogan family seasons? I don't know, man. Why don't you look up the Wikipedia and not IMDB, bro.

All right, man. I'll look at the wiki. By the way- Meanwhile, Sam is just eating popcorn. Not one to help us at all. And no one cares about that. Just munching on popcorn. Like we're a movie or something.

Munching on popcorn. He's behind this like large rectangular glass. And we're just a movie to him. And he's just eating popcorn and enjoying himself. Yeah, we are like a little movie to him. We are, the best movie. Oh, I like the sound of that. All right, what do you got on the Hogan family?

Hogan family, originally titled Valerie and later Valerie's family. That's right. Because they did a season of just where they were grieving her. It aired on NBC from 86 to 90 and then on CBS from 90 to 91. What a tumultuous show this is.

It had its ups, oomps, downs. It was Valerie from 86 to 87 and Valerie's family from 87 to 88. Okay, so one year with Valerie, one year without Valerie where they didn't have Sandy Hogan, right? Sandy Duncan. Sandy Duncan, Sandy Hogan. And then what are we talking?

Four years with Sandy? I guess four years with Sandy. How, I mean, what are the decisions? The people you meet in heaven. What are the decisions they're making? Like this concept is too good to let go. This concept of a family. Exactly.

Who's on the show that they couldn't let out of their contract? Maybe, is Joey Lawrence on this? No, Jason Bateman was on it. Jason Bateman was on it. Okay, that's when you got a Bateman. You don't want to let him out of your contract. You'll move heaven and earth.

Keep that Bateman close to your heart. Keep your Bateman's close. Valerie Harper, Sandy Duncan, Jason Bateman, Danny Ponce, of course. Of course. Jeremy Licht and Josh Taylor. Who are these people? Who are these people?

Who are these people, Seinfeld? And we're back to Seinfeld. And Seinfeld is also in the Shakespeare adventures. Of course. Seinfeld and the soup Nazi. Yeah. Yeah, he'd be there. No soup for you.

Yeah, he'd be there. Come on, he'd be there. He'd just be there. Maybe he's the Thanos. So all of the Shakespeare adventures unite. With heaven and earth and Seinfeld. And they're defeating the soup Nazi. All scored to take off your pants and jacket.

That's right. Oh, I want to do this. We got to do this, right? We got to do this. Don't we got to do this? We got to do this. Don't we got to do this? Yeah.

All right, that'll be coming up next holiday season. We'll put on it. Big Christmas event. All right. It'll be like, you know, like. Instead of P-cast. Yeah. And we'll do it at Radio City Music Hall.

And then we'll show Pete's Dragon. Yes. As a bonus. That's not what you're paying the tickets for. No. For Pete's Dragon, but it's a good bonus. Yeah. All right.

Guys, today we are counting down the episodes on our previous episode. Go back and listen to that one. If you haven't heard that one. Yeah, man. What are you doing with your life? You just want to hear the top 10. Why would you start with this?

You don't want to hear 11, 12, 13, and 14. You're only shooting yourself. Come on. Go listen to those. Those were funny episodes. But on this episode, we were going to be counting down 10, nine, eight, and seven. And these are all episodes that were voted on

by you, the listeners. At the end of last year, we cut off. What am I trying to say? At the end of this year, we put up the page. Can I say, you asked me that a lot and I never know. What am I trying to say? Yeah. I know.

It's a mystery. It puts me in a bad position. I'm sorry to put you in that position, Paul. I apologize. I accept your apology. The guy who apologizes for tiny microaggressions that the other person made. So you all voted on these episodes.

We did about 60 episodes this year and you all voted on, we got over 36,000 votes this year. Wow. 36,000 votes. That's a lot for just, I mean, considering, you know, you got to go to a website and press buttons and all that kind of stuff. That's not a bad amount.

Scott, let me ask you a question. Yes, sir. Now, full disclosure, I have voted in the past. In the past? What? For your own episodes? Well, obviously. Well, I'm not even going to try to do that.

You're trying to bump your numbers? Yeah, of course. I'm allowed to. Have you ever voted in any of the best tests? I have, have I? There might have been one year where I was like, this episode was one of my favorites and I can see the results.

And people, we've talked about the various reasons why people vote for certain episodes and why they don't vote for certain episodes. Some of it comes down to the title. If a title reminds them of what was in the episode in the particular way that- Or if it reminds them of a lost love. That's right.

If like, say an episode is called Jennifer Mandrel and you used to date someone named Jennifer Mandrel. I mean, you may vote for that episode. Exactly. And you may be a redneck. Occasionally, I will see an episode is not getting its due and I may have tried to bump up the votes in the past

and voted for it a few times. Maybe, maybe like about four years ago. I did not vote for any of them this year nor I believe the previous two years. But it was an interesting insight into the man and thank you, Scott. And I'll see you later. Wait, now you're leaving again?

Gotta go out on that. There's no way I'm gonna top it. All right, let us tarry no further. Let us get to your episode 10. Number 10. All right, episode 10. This is episode 566, which- And we're in the 500s.

I believe we will always be in the 500s on this countdown because- There's a lot of episodes. Episode 500 was on our previous countdown, so we did about 60 episodes. And we ended the year on about 577 or so. All right, this is 566 and this is an episode called The Calvin's Triplets.

Oh boy. The Calvin's Triplets. Let's talk about these guys. This is the third in a triptych or triptych. How does one say that? Triptych. Triptych. Triptych, this is a triptych. This is a trilogy that started several years ago.

Approximately, if I had to guess, we did the first one of these six years ago or so. In a humble cabin with a dirt floor. Maybe five years ago. Two guys, Taren Killam and Paul Britton, whom you would know from Saturday Night Live. Taren has a show out there right now called Single Parents on ABC that he's in.

They were on Saturday Night Live together and they enjoyed each other's company so much they wanted to do an episode of the podcast together. So they came. So they did. So they did. And the end. All right, let's get to that clip.

No, they came and did a hilarious episode called The Calvin's Twins where they, and they didn't have anything planned. They just, I remember, I said, okay, what do you guys want to do? And Taren turned to Paul and said, I was thinking about something where like people, these guys raise horses.

And Paul said, okay. And. Is that, I mean, is that what he sounds like to me? Okay. That's what he sounds like to me. It's a little. Okay, Mr. Killam. Oh, wow. Anything you say, Mr. Killam.

This is demeaning. No, and those guys just rift a hilarious episode where they were horse fight promoters who also owned a bee honey farm where horses punch each other to death. That's right. And they were twins, even though they had separate names, Beaver, Hope Hawks and Chico Hands.

That's right. Collectively, they were known as the Calvin's Twins. So they did that episode, which was really, really funny. And then last year we did, and it was a long time in between the sequel, but we were able to get them both together again. And they did another episode where the Calvin's Twins returned.

And they brought in Ryan Gall, who was a hilarious guy that we have both worked with, a cast member of the Bajillion Dollar Properties with you. That's right. Really funny guy, and he knows Taryn and Paul, and they said, hey, can we get Ryan involved? So he came in and played Bisbee St. Hancock, who was their arch rival,

who then ended up realizing at the end of that episode that he was related to them. And Ergo, we now have the Calvin's Triplets, and of course we had to get together and do another episode. So we are going to listen to this. This is just part of the episode. This is the beginning part of the episode, pretty much.

This is your episode 10. Number 10. Welcome guys. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And we brought in Petunia. Oh, Petunia's here. Petunia. Calm down there, Petunia.

Calm down. Easy. What a sweet, sweet little bitch. She's a champion, but she's a lady. You ever dressed up as... Oh yeah, as a stormtrooper. That's like a Star Wars. From Star Wars?

Not a Nazi. Not a Nazi. No, no. I don't want to paint the wrong picture for anyone. That's right. Like a Star Wars. Like a Stormtrooper Star Wars. That's right.

Yeah, so... Kids love it. They come in and you can sell it to them. You can say, would you like to ride a stormtrooper? That's right. Miss B is a huge Star Wars fan. Is this part of your business now? Is riding the horses that are going to fight later?

Well, that's one thing. We have a meeting every Monday morning now at 11 p.m. And we talk about... Pre-Prayer. Pre-Prayer. Pre-Prayer. Is that Monday morning, you say? Every Monday morning.

At 11 p.m. You guys have a very unusual sleep cycle. We only follow a Greenwich Mean Time. We never change our clocks. That's right. We think daylight savings is a hoax. It's a hoax and a scam. There.

Thank you, Chico. So, and you guys have a meeting. We think of creative things we can do to... Expand the business. Help our business thrive. Yeah, and this is one of the new ones is, hey, why aren't the kids paying to ride these horses before they knock each other to death?

Right. Well, first of all, your options decrease by 50% post-fight. Pre-fight, you got the pickings. You got two options there because you never ride a horse. Like, more than 20 minutes out from fight. Because as soon as you ride a horse, and it's before 20 minutes, before they're in fighting mode, they just become a riding horse.

There's just a riding horse at that point. They're not a fighting horse. That's right, and then, but if you were in that 20-minute window with that horse you've been training and breeding and prepping for the fight, they'll hold on to that. The brains can't fully form and go like,

oh, wait, maybe riding's what we're supposed to be doing. That's right, horse never forgets. Does it cause any sort of cycle? Within 20 minutes of a fight. Right, then they do forget. Just because... Then after the 20-minute marker, they definitely forget what's the premise

of what I was explaining. But never... Brains just get it right. Never forgets. You guys gotta get it on the same page on one of your Monday morning meetings at 11 p.m. This is why they take so long. That's true, but we set up some horses

with all sorts of different costumes. Different scenes. You name it, we can have a horse ready for you if you call ahead. Because Chico's a hell of a seamstress. I have been showing her in a semen since I was a young boy. You've been doing what with semen?

Semen, it's a verb. Yeah, I heard you. It's what a person does when they're making seams. Do you call that semen? Oh, I see, I see, yeah. So you've been making semen how long? I've been making semen with my hand since I was a tween. Yeah.

A twink. A twink. I said twain. I'm sorry. Get that twink off your brain. Sorry, I was just... He wouldn't know what I was thinking. Get that twink off your brain.

Your mother was so proud, because he was the first to be semen. He was poor mama, God rest her soul. God rest her soul? Who? Bisbee. Bisbee is, we discovered. Did you do a 23 and Me?

We did a three and Me. We did a three and Me. It was just the three of us. It was a little cheaper. And did you guys semen into anything, or did you? We did, Chico made us gorgeous suits, and he was semen all over us. That's right.

We went in, because we did it in a doctor's office. We were straight to the sauce, a blood tester sauce. Was there anything on your face? Oh, we did these wonderful hoods. He was semen from like our chin. The semen he did was at our chin, and it went straight to the crown of our head. We, the semen that he did around the crown of our head

was just people, we were walking down the street, and they'd be like, they got some good semen on their heads. It was great semen. It almost came right down along the cheeks. That's right. Down the chin. Like a gambit hood of semen. Like a gambit hood of semen.

Gambit from X-Men. And by the way, Chico. Is that the, that's official, what you call like a murder of crows? Exactly. It's like a gambit hood of semen. Oh man, that was a gambit hood of semen. And I look divine.

And so you found out you are officially, last time you were on the show, we didn't know if you had the same mother. Yes. Right, so you do have the same mother, and what did she used to, she was very proud. You were saying of Chico over here? Of Chico, because he was such an early semener.

Yeah. I was tapped at a young age to sew together all sorts of costumes for the Halloween's and other pagan holidays. And, and other. None of the Christian holidays? No, none of the Christian holidays. Are you guys not religious?

I don't think that's ever come up here. Well, we pray. Yes, we pray every. Yeah, I was gonna say, we pray, but to different gods. Different gods. Right, yeah. And a different God every day of the week.

Right. Polytheologists. Cover your bases. That's a baseball term. I don't know if you guys follow sports. Of course we do. Of course. Of course we do.

Of course we do. We are. We're sportsmen ourselves. We are the premier horsemen in all of the Florida panhandle horse fighting. Right. Divisions. But wait, do you guys also have like a horse baseball league?

We have a softball league. Softball, sorry. Yeah. There's only three of us. It's co-ed, it's recreational. That's right. But there's three of you. But we brought it, we have some horses play with us.

Oh, okay. Is that what Petunia's doing here today? Is Petunia a fighting horse or a softball horse? Petunia's a champion. Oh, Petunia, Petunia, Petunia. Oh, she's getting humble. She's getting humble. Turned her face in the corner.

Petunia, Petunia, you look at Scotland. You be proud. You look at Scotland. You look at me. Okay, she's looking right at me. If Petunia, have a granola bar, Petunia. Have a kind bar. Calm down now.

So the business is good. Your business is horse fighting and sometimes riding and sometimes softball and business is good. Business is boom and boom. You've rebranded. Cacluman, ship shulman, make more rumin because we're bringing the boom in. Oh, here comes the boom in.

Oh, thank you. Oh my gosh, look at this. That's been there now. Of course, Chico, Seaman, that whole thing. Seaman? Okay, I don't think I'll go with this. courtesy of Chico and Seaman. Oh, that's fine, Seaman.

He did. This goes perfectly on my tits. It's a half shirt. It's a half shirt. Just a little half shirt. That's right, you little half shirt, the bottom. So you just got Seaman all along your man tits. But that Seaman does not touch your stomach.

No, no, thank you. And we're very particular about that. So thank you for this. Last time we- Going under boob. Yeah, last time you heard- That's great under boob. I've not been complimented on that.

Scotty, I've seen a lot of hosts on the boobs. Wait, you're doing other shows? Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. Your business has gotten so popular, you're doing other shows. We're on a press tour right now. Really?

A junket. Okay, so what are you here to promote then? I mean, obviously you brought Petunia here. There must be something really sensational going on in your careers. This is exciting. I mean, last time you guys were gonna have a horse off, you guys were fighting.

We didn't even know you were related now. We know you're related and business is great. So what are you promoting? Well, here's the thing, Scotty. As you know, we've put our lives into horse fighting. I do know that. Our lives have been devoted to it. Into our professions.

And as we've said, we've expanded, we've branded, we've left-handed, we've pan-panded, we've bejambered, and we've kind of become celebrities in our own right. That's right. That's true. We got that big dick energy from the horse fighting circuit and people wanna know all about us. Okay.

We're a trio of swamp donkeys, if you know what I mean. No, I don't. Should I Google that? Hung like a swamp donkey? You've never heard that. I've never, I'm gonna- Swamp donkeys have just ridiculously huge flasks. Yeah, nothing is coming out of here.

You got, well, you gotta bang it, baby. Oh, but look, it does say, it does say, did you mean picking bucket? Oh, just because that was your last search. That was my last one. Yeah, they're wondering if I meant the other thing that has, yeah. So- We got offered a juice box commercial.

What? That's right. Okay, and mozz, I'm sorry? Mozz. Mozz, oh, like the applesauce? No, not just applesauce. They do a cranberry apple or raspberry apple. They don't just do applesauce, they do mozz.

Okay. They do mozz juice. In fact, they're sodding them. They do mozz applesauce. Okay, so they do mozz applesauce. So did you take the commercial? Sorry, well, that's those are the sides that we would be faxed.

Oh, did you think we were, we're practicing our sides. Oh, okay. We got an audition for it. Oh, yes. Maybe we were lying a second ago. We submitted for an audition. You submitted, I remember the last time you were here,

you guys went to a lot of auditions, I believe. That's right. We've auditioned for hundreds and hundreds of different movies. Juice box commercials. Juice box commercials, TV shows. Mm-hmm. Our agent told us that we had to categorize ourselves,

something specific, so we said- Are you a film actor or are you a TV actor? We said juice box. Okay, so can- We checked that box. I love that. A juice. What did this audition, how did it go?

What was it like? What did you have to do for the audition? Do you- Shall we do it for him? Sure, sure. And obviously you'd have to imagine, I am on top of my brother's shoulders. Right, yes.

With a gigantic trench coat. Because as I recall, you have trouble with the words, is that what it is? That's right, that's right. And you- Very camera shy. You'd ever have to whisper up to him? That's right, and as you receive,

you're a tiny man as it is. You're a tiny man. And when the breakdown came out, it said this is a two-hander. That's right. They absolutely refuse to see more or less. Yeah, sometimes they'll do that in audition and specify how many hands a person has.

That's right. And so they were looking for one person with two hands. Correct. And I'm Chico hands. And you're Chico hands, so you just thought, hey, this is where I live. This is meant for me. But if you listen last time,

you have no interest beaver in acting. I remember saying that, Scott. You want to support Chico by feeding him the lines. When your brother and partner in crime and business co-board have a dream. Oh, Scott, you haven't been reading the research. Oh, no, did something happen over the last year? Well, we don't want to talk to him.

Allegedly things happen. There's no proof, but we have been accused. Okay, well, it seems like it would be an open and shut case if there's zero proof. Let's just say that Russian oligarch. Well, so Chico, these folks got some loose lips too. Oh, okay. Chico, you've been telling people about this?

I maybe might have whispered something while I was falling asleep after praying to my God Poseidon. That might have happened. You whispered to whom? Was this someone with you? Whomever I had dialed on the telephone. You dialed to me? Allegedly. Wait, are you after you?

You dialed 911. Oops. Wait, so you, let me see if I can figure this out, this story out. Did you have a guilty conscience? If anybody can, it's you, Scott, man. Thank you so much, Bever. Did you have a guilty conscience

and you called 911 on yourself and your family? Maybe. And what exactly happened? Well, there was an officer, came over to you. No, I know what happens when nine, I mean, what did you actually do? Oh, I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking about these. Well, the horse is out of the stable, Chico.

Go ahead, this is a safe. Scottley is a friend of the family. Sure, which horse was out of what stable? Let's just say, well, Cinnamon was out of the east stable. Cinnamon had gotten out of the stable. Okay. That's not illegal right there. What might have happened is that,

We do have a saying, when Cinnamon's out of the stable, bad news for everyone. That's what I am trying to tell you. Okay, I'm gonna Google that. That's a simple. Yeah, absolutely not. I'm coming up. Mama's favorite apron.

I was like 5% through that. Oh, gee. That's all right. It's 20 times longer, wow. So, so far, I've heard nothing illegal, Chico, so you're gonna click. Well, what happened was a wealthy Russian man contacted us about horse fighting.

Some sort of oligarch? Yes, I think it was, an oligarch. Okay. And wanted to inquire about perhaps franchising. Going international. A horse fighting arena. Really, so with this, purely a licensing deal, putting your name onto something,

or did they want you to come out and develop it and build it from the ground up? It would have been a licensing deal. That's right, we trusted this man. Why did you trust this man? Very rich. They say, when you're with oligarch in your family. I had no idea.

So this Russian person came out. So, so far, cinnamon is out of the stable. And you know what they say when cinnamon gets out of the stable? Yeah, I've heard about this. That's trouble, and that's what I'm trying to tell you. 5%. So, continue. So put on your hat, get ready to look for him,

because if you don't find him. 10%. There's trouble in the horizon. In the horizon isn't just for everyone's eyes. 15, yep. It's a trip to Downsville. Too funny. And if you go downtown, you're gonna find other people

who are looking for trouble. 25. 25, hold on, hold on, hold on. Makes it with cinnamon who's looking for trouble, and you got a tornado. 30. Trouble. Oh.

Now. Get a third of the way through the same. Now, also. 33 and a third. Okay. 33 and a third. 33.33, repeating. The mountains are after the horizon.

35. 35, 35, yep. And they're looking at you like, hey, I didn't ask for this. 40. And then, but you say, I didn't let him out of the stable. 45. But the stable wasn't locked, says everyone.

Well, the stable wasn't latched, is how it goes. We, you got halfway done, start over, start over. I don't think we have started over. This is gonna go to the entire show. You didn't even get how the stable gets latched. Yeah, I'm just telling you what they're saying. Right, yeah. But yeah, this is on your mother's apron.

It was. Oh yeah. Beautiful, beautiful scene, all over our mother's apron. Embroided and seamed. Tiny fine print. Finest semen on a mother's apron. You could ever ask for. Number 10.

Who? I mean. Funny stuff. Did they all know each other from Groundlings? I can't, I don't know where Taren knows Ryan from. I thought it was from Groundlings. It might be from Groundlings. Yeah, I know that Ryan was in Taren's.

They knew each other before that movie, right? Yeah, Ryan was in Taren's movie that they directed. But I mean, they did, yeah, they've known each other for a while, I think. I think from Groundlings, but yeah. We'll never know for sure. They're really funny together. Scott, I'd like to introduce a new tradition here

on the best ofs. Can I just say one fact about the previous clip before we do that? Okay. You have to listen to the rest of that episode. That was just pretty much the beginning. Eventually, Chico gets married to the Russian oligarch's daughter, Marinka,

in that episode. And we make a lot of side bets, a lot of really funny stuff happening in that episode. All right, Paul, do you wanna start this new tradition now or after the break? That was a good fact. Let me start it right now, before the break. All right, here we go.

I'd like to read the call sheet order for Bajillion Dollar Properties. Okay. Number... You know how interested I am in call sheets. Now call sheets, if you don't know what these are, this is the bit of information that goes out to every person working on the crew and every actor

to let you know what is happening the next day. And the actors are listed in order of importance to the production. That's right. So when you have a show like I did, you're number one on the call sheet. That's right. For the entire time.

So, on Bajillion Dollar Properties. This is no different. It's the way we did things. No different than any of, why would you do something different for a show like the Bajillion Dollar Properties? Show, exactly. Eighth most important.

Eighth most important. Eugene Cordero. Okay, well, he was not one of the original cast members. That's right. He came in a little later, so I understand that. That's right. Seventh most important. Okay, this is where we get down to it.

Dan Adute. Why? Sixth most important. You think they would go in alphabetical order? You'd think, but they sure didn't. Maybe reverse alphabetical order. No, they went in order of importance. Sixth most important, Ryan Gall.

He's number six. Fifth most important, Drew Tarver. Wow. Incredible. Incredible. He's probably number one on the call sheet for his new television show, which comes out on Comedy Central next year.

Fourth most important, Mandelman. Really? Yeah. Okay. Third most important, Tim Baltz. Huh, okay. Second most important. Okay, we only have two left as, yeah,

and I believe, okay, I think I know who this'll be. Tony Newsom. Tony Newsom, number two. Congratulations to her. And most important, Paul F. Tomkins. Number one on the call sheet. Number one on the call sheet. Number one in our hearts.

Number one with a bullet. Now, what's interesting to me about this call sheet is of course you were gonna be number one because you're the boss, you had the most experience, and you were the person hired to anchor the show. So of course you have to be number one, but the other six were hired as equals. So I wonder who made that order

because it certainly was not me. I'm curious about it myself. I don't think it was Coolop. It probably was random, but why wouldn't they do it in some sort of alphabetical manner? Could it be the order in which people were hired? No, because I believe Dan was hired first.

Wow, and the first shall be last. Scripture tells us this. Maybe that's, oh, that might've been it. Maybe it was in the reverse order in which they were hired. So they were like, they knew how many people they had. Right, and they kept saying- So they're like, okay, he's in-

Why wouldn't they make Dan number two? They'll build the pyramid on his back. That's hilarious to me. Poor day. I think I was hired last. You were hired last, but you were the anchor of the show. Exactly.

Congratulations to you, and I do believe that at our household yesterday, we received a package in which that call sheet was put into a Christmas ornament. That's correct. So and- The bajillion dollar call sheet has been the subject of much discussion over the years.

Has it, really, between the actors? It's a reference. It's a frequent reference. And so I gifted everyone with an ornament of the call sheet. It has a- And a magnet. It has a prominent place.

Oh, really? You can turn the ornament into a magnet. There was also a magnet in the package. Oh, there was. I hope you can throw it away. No, I didn't open the package. All I knew was I saw Ryan Gull had put up an Instagram of it.

That's correct. And so wouldn't cool up. I saw the package was from you. I knew what it was. And then cool up, opened it, started laughing, put it on the tree, but I did not see the magnets. Delighted that it was on the tree.

The magnet was in the box as well. I hope I pray. I will bring it up to her when I get home. My sincere hope is that you find that magnet. I believe that ornament is right next to our three-dome ornament, which you also made for Lauren and I and gave to us last week. I'd like to make ornaments for people.

That's fine. I didn't know that you could. Well, I just send away to a place. Yeah, but I didn't think that you had the ability to do that. I don't. I made my assistant do it. Good for you.

That's what they're for. All right, look, let's go to a break. A wonderful tradition. You're saying this is a tradition that we're going to do every best of now? Is read the order of that call sheet? I'm in. Great.

I think that you're thinking of a Simpsons episode though, not Pajillion Dollar Properties. All right, let's go to a break. When we come back, we will go through to... The other side. We will die and go to heaven. We'll be right back. Yeah.

This holiday season, Ear Wolf wants to spread some cheer. That's right. Cheer Wolf, if you will. We've got special episodes all over the network just for you. Who do we got? We got Andrew T. and Tani Newsom talk to Coolop Velisoc

about holiday racism. That's fun on Yoast This Racist. On unspooled, take a deep dive into AFI's favorite Christmas movie, It's a Wonderful Life. Off book has not one, not two, but three holiday-themed musicals for you to indulge in. Surprise, all the special holiday episodes with special guests are out from behind the paywall

as a gift to you. You can also check out a very special improv for humans episode, Best of the Bible. On my other show, are you talking REM me? The Scots, me and Adam Scott, talk about every REM holiday single released and of course, nothing else. Sean and Hayes hit the slopes with Adam Pally

on a very festive episode of Hollywood Handbook. On Beautiful Anonymous, Chris Gethard is taking calls for New Year's resolutions from you. Tune in on Ear Wolf's Facebook page. Marissa and Lister get a special listener call-in with a heartfelt proposal on Womp It Up, followed by the Christmas Womptacular released from behind the paywall.

And if that's not enough, check out even more special holiday apps from How Did This Get Made, Getting Curious, Who Chartered and Freedom, Happy Holidays, Happy Listening, and a Merry Cheer Wolf to all. Yeah, we are here. This is the best of Comedy Bang Bang 2018. Number two, part two, part two of four.

Remember when Hot Shots made a second movie and they said instead of calling it part two, let's call it part duh, because that's not, people don't do that. Duh. Right, I think you could also take it that way. Yeah. So they were having fun and we're having fun.

That was a lot of fun. I did like the Hot Shots movies when I saw them. I don't remember much about them. I remember I went to one of them with my mother and we saw it at the Cypress Cinema and we laughed. I always enjoyed that going to a movie. And laughing? And laughing with my mother.

We would occasionally go to movies together and I remember a couple of instances where we just had a really good time. Three Migos was one and I had seen it already. I went to a, I feel like it was a screening before it came out. Is that even possible?

I don't know. But I do- Did you go to the premiere of Three Migos? No, Paul. Of course I did not go to the premiere. Heaven forbid. What a precocious child. But I saw it.

I remember the night I saw it. Two things of interest happened. I went with my school trip. You know, guys, I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm drunk. Let's go to the movies. Three Migos? We're in.

I went with my friend from school and he drove, I believe he had a Mustang, as I recall. Oh, shit. Like an old, like 60s Mustang. Yeah, man. And we, first of all, we watched Three Migos and the reels were out of order. This is before films were projected digitally.

I've heard you talk about the story. So the reels were out of order and I, at a certain point in the movie, we started thinking like, this feels like I've missed something, but it's, the jokes are, it's a pretty random movie. So I was like, maybe not. Maybe I'm just not getting something.

And then midway through that feeling, suddenly they switched reels and started another reel of the film. And it went backwards in time. I was like, oh, I understand. They mixed up the reels on this movie. Someone's incompetent. Still just as funny though.

And I loved it. So I took, I told my mom, oh my God. You took your best gal out of the movies. I saw the funniest movie. We got to go see it again. Saw Three Amigos. Hot Shots was another one. And then I also remember I went to Paul Blart,

Mall Cop with my dad. And we laughed ourselves silly during that. I, one of my fondest memories about my dad, who was a very reserved person, was we used to watch SCTV together. Really? Late at night on Saturdays? The Friday night ones that were like 12, 30 at night

were 90 minutes long. Wow. And I remember sitting in the kitchen with him watching on this little TV. With Dinah? Well, someone was in the kitchen. I know. So you would sit in the, and the TV was in the kitchen.

There was like a little TV in the kitchen. We watched it together. Were you on stools or, or, or how were you sitting? No, we have like a little kitchen table. Kitchen table. Okay, got it, got it, got it. And that's where all TV was watched in your home? No.

That was, we had a, we had a big TV in the living room. So why are you not watching it in the, in the living room? Cause it was late at night. And I think my mom was asleep. I don't want to keep people up. I see, I see. So watch it on the tinier TV. Yes, which is further away from,

farther away from where people were. Got it, got it. And we would, we would watch the show and laugh and like look, like that kind of laugh where you look at the other person. Right. Because you can't believe how funny it is. Interesting. We have to check in with each other.

What was your favorite SCTV moment, if you can recall? Oh my God. I, I don't know the, I don't know if I could pick one. I, I loved that show so much. And I got, I got it on DVD and was afraid it wasn't gonna hold up and it held up. It was even funnier to me. I have to do a big rewatch of all of those because.

I would like to rewatch them. I have the. And kids in the hall too. I would like to rewatch. Yeah. I have, well, now kids in the hall is, they have the complete set out there. SCTV, it's harder to get because they only have sporadic episodes out there on DVD.

Well, they did, Rhino did a big reissue. But I think they only did the NBC ones. I think the ones previous to that are not available, unfortunately. But there's a lot of the NBC ones. Yeah. Those really old ones that I remember they used to, they used to run on PBS.

Yeah. I haven't seen any of that stuff in a really long time. Yeah. Maybe they're on YouTube. I found that all. Probably. Yeah. I'd like to see some. Like Harold Ramis was a featured performer. Yeah.

I would love to be in adjoining rooms with you, watching those. That'll be fun. I would love to be in adjoining kitchens. Why don't we go to the Museum of Television. And of Tolerance. Ask and of Tolerance. You watch SCTV in one, in the kitchen of one,

and I'll watch in the kitchen of the other. You go to the Museum of Television. I'll go to the Museum of Tolerance. And we'll. And say, listen. I want to watch SCTV. Me and my buddy are doing this. I want to watch SCTV in your kitchen.

In your kitchen. You have a kitchen somewhere, I'm sure. Like a break room. Of course they have a kitchen. I'm not going to disturb anyone. I'm going to watch you in the kitchen. Yes. The greatest is the Museum of Tolerance.

You're like, oh, how intolerant of you. To not let me do this. Those jerks over there, the Museum of Tolerance. I hate them. I hate them so much. I hate them. Fuck you. Fuck.

Yeah. Fuck you. Fuck. You think I'm intolerant? Fuck. Yeah. Well, speaking of fuck you, let us do the opposite to our listeners and treat them with another one

of our clips. I was afraid you weren't going to be able to pull that one out. I know. But you did it. It takes me a while. But, but, here we go. This is your episode nine. Number nine.

Ah, Nagada. Ah, Nagada. Ah, Nagada. R-I-P. R-I-P. In one of these clips, we talk about that? I'm not sure. I hope so.

I definitely listened to it. I hope so. It's in one of the episodes. But, not this one, because this is episode 572. So, six. Still in the 500. Six. We always will be.

Six weeks or so after. That's a weird coincidence. Six weeks or so after our previous clip, 566. This is an episode called Changerous. And the parties involved are two people by the name of Jason Manzukas and Paul F. Tompkins. And it was a party. It truly was.

Do you remember this episode, Paul? I remember that it asked the question, what if Michael Jackson had posted an album called Changerous? Yes. And we never got an answer. We never did. To that what if.

That is the first part of this episode. Now this is, quite often Jason will say to me like, hey man. Oh wait, that's Paul. No, he'll say like, hey. I can't walk into him. Who was the first person? Paul Scheer.

Hey man. Okay, not me. Hey, hey. Hey, how's it going? Oh yeah, definitely. This is more of Jason. Oh yeah. He'll say to me, hey, I wanna do some episodes.

We should do one with you, me and Paul. I'd love to do one with Marion Darcy. We heard that on the previous best of. And this was one where he said, the three of us have to do an episode together. And this one was a lot of fun. This was just from a couple of months ago. Yeah.

And what happens, previous to this clip is Paul, you were playing Button Willow-McKittrick. That's right. And how did you get the name for Button Willow-McKittrick? That is a sign on the highway here in California. I think if you're going up north, you will see this sign for two different places. One is Button Willow, one is McKittrick.

And one is McKittrick, and they're underneath each other? Yes. And I, from the very first time I saw that, it seemed like a name to me. And then. Seemed like a name to me. Come to find out.

It has been used as a character name, it's several times in several different things. Oh really? Interesting. That happened to me with my old movie, Canaan Roads, which is a, if you go north on the 405 or the 101 or whatever it is. If you're heading to Malibu.

Yeah, heading to Malibu. There's Canaan Road. And when I saw that, I was like, oh, that's a good name. Canaan Road. It is a good name. So I called the lead character and the movie that I wrote back in the day, co-wrote back in the day, Canaan Roads,

has not been produced. Almost got produced. Very close. Got a green light at one point. I thought you were going to say somebody else used the name, but they don't. No, no one's used the name. Please don't use the name.

You should not have said that. But you've mailed the script to yourself, so you're in the clip. I am, of course. Now, so Button Will and McKittrick, describe Button Will and McKittrick, if you will. He's from another planet and the future. Yes, from the future and another planet.

The planet's name is Earth. Earth. Earth, yeah. Right, yes, that's right. It's Earth with an extra T in it, I think. Right, something like that. And you're basically based on Mr. Mixleplic. Kind of, yeah, that and the Great Gazoo.

Who's the Great Gazoo again? He was the, the Flintstones, which was a cartoon about cavemen that was based on the honeymooners. Right. At some point. What if the honeymooners were in prehistoric times? Yes.

And we could just rip them off. Yeah. And no one cares. Exactly. At some point late in their run, they added a space alien called the Great Gazoo. In order to lure children into. I have no, yeah, cause kids were on board

with this cartoon. Well, I mean, that would happen sometimes with cartoons like Saturday morning cartoons where they would try to add an element in order to like freshen it up. Or I remember Scrappy Do was one of those. Yes. Which is like, kids need someone to relate to.

So let's put in a kid. They're taking that from sitcoms, which, you know, a running. And also Batman and Robin. Robin was added because they were like. Oh, yeah. These kids who read Batman are not relating to this elderly, wealthy, elderly,

wealthy, such like that. But I mean, why? Did kids want to relate to anyone in Batman? That's the thing. No, I want to relate to Batman. That's the thing I hated Scrappy Do. I hated Godzuki. I hated Robin.

Cause you don't want to, they think that it's the wish fulfillment aspect of it of like, oh, how cool that would be to be Robin. Yeah. No one cares about being Robin. They want to be Batman. He's not cool. They want to be Batman.

Yes. He's not cool. They want to be Batman. They want to be Batman. Yes. He's not cool. But there was also like Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch.

They're like, let's add a kid. These kids aren't cute anymore. We gotta throw out a kid. They're going through pubes. They're kiddin' there. They've grown pubes. They've grown pubes. These kids've grown pubes.

They've grown pubes. Let's get a kid without pubes. I didn't get that, but. Obviously, you can tell I'm doing the Donald Trump impression. It's Alec Baldwin's pitch perfect Donald Trump impression. That he did in all three pitch perfect movies. That's right.

Why did he do that? It was bookended by him. I don't know why. Hey, welcome to pitch perfect one. Let me tell you a story. Better but you're closer to the same. So the great kazoo was the space alien voice by Harvey Corman.

Oh. Who was observing. He was observing these guys and he called them dum-dums all the time. He would never interact with them? Yeah, he would with Fred and Barney. Okay. They were the only ones who could see him

because he could make his bells disappear. Okay. And he called them dum-dums all the time. Great. Okay. I wonder where the dum-dums part of it came from. Yeah. So pre, before this clip that we're gonna hear,

we've established you are Button Will and McKittrick. And you have established that there is a science prophecy in which the earth is in grave danger unless Jason Manzukas and I do something. I can't recall what it is. And we are going to hear this clip. By the way, I think previously to this clip also, it's been established that my nickname is Skittles

for some reason. That's right. And so when someone says Skittles, you'll know that that's a name that you and Jason were calling me during this episode. Let's hear it. This is your episode nine. Number nine.

I'm glad we got here and I would like to begin. All right, what side are you taking? The Godfather. Beats Queen. Beats Queen. Okay. Make your case, Earthling. I'm choosing to interpret this as the movie, The Godfather.

Versus the movie, The Queen. Yes. Okay. Okay. Now, The Queen. Sure. A great movie. That was The Queen.

The Queen. Yeah. Okay. And it was The Godfather. Yes. So. We said Godfather beats Queen. That's right.

But on Earth. Oh, I see. So you're saying. In the vernacular. I'm not allowed to. No, on Earth in the vernacular, if you're talking about a movie, like, hey, did you see Godfather last night?

Or did you see Queen last night? It happens all the time. Yeah. Now, hold on a second. I'll grant you the first one. Yeah. But the second one. The second one, I agree.

It's a stretch. No, I refer to the Queen as Queen. So here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to choose. Well, here's what I'm going to say. What about Godfather versus the Ban Queen? That's what I was going to say. Okay.

You can. Then why did I choose? I'm choosing The Godfather, right? What about Godfather's pizza? You can interpret Queen however you want. I think. Okay. Right?

It's up to interpretation. Is this what the argument is? First, make this case to me. Okay. Not to him. So is this a sign bar? I'm choosing to interpret. We're in chambers.

You're on it. Can I approach the things? Please. I'll allow it. I would like to take the point of view in favor of The Godfather. And I will speak to the movie The Godfather. However Scott would like to interpret the concept of Queen

is up to him. He can do the Queen of Sol Aretha Franklin. He can do Queen the Band. He can do the concept of Queen, the Queen of England, or any Queen, like the Monarchy Queen, like anything. That's the argument I think. I don't know. What do you think?

So noted. I wanted to do a gavel thing, but I don't have anything. You have a phone next to you. Just bang that on the table. Great idea. Classic Skittles. Okay. Then it will be your interpretation of Godfather

versus your, thank you, versus your interpretation of Queen. All right. And we're saying why it beats the other persons. I think so. Okay. You make the case for the superiority. Yeah, I think The Godfather is just a... Godfather.

If we're going to do this, let's do it. I think Godfather is a superior film that has affected and impacted cultural, like cultural understandings of family, of taking one's own life into one's hand to protect your family and forward their dominance. Much the way Al Queen could also do... Al Queen?

Queen. Everything is right to Godfather. Godfather has performances that are exceptional. It almost destroyed Francis Ford couple's life. He made... That's good. Here's what I want to say. You'll have your time.

Here's what I want to say. Apologies, John. Sorry, Skittles. Here's what I want to say. There is no doubt in my mind that Godfather is for everybody to take into consideration is a superior thing in their life. Be it the movie.

Be it the pizza chain. Be it the James Brown Godfather of Soul. Be it any of those interpretations. It is because the concept of Godfather is someone who looks out for you in your time of need. Someone who shepherds you forward when your parents die. Objection. Someone who is responsible.

Objection. Objection. Someone who is responsible. I want to see where this is going. Someone who is responsible for your spiritual well-being as well as your physical well-being should you find yourself in trouble. That is the job of Godfather.

And as such, I believe it is an invaluable position societally. Like our society is built on Godfathers, not queens. I rest my case, Your Honor. Well stated, stupid. Skittles. If you call me skittles, I don't know whether I want to do this. You know what that is. It sounds like sour skittles.

No. No. I'm sweet skittles. Do they make those? If I have to be skittles, I'm sweet skittles. Oh yeah, they make sour skittles. Oh, I want that. Oh, really?

There's a couple right here on the table. Excuse me, this is my time. Yes, please. You may proceed. Your Honor, we're all familiar with the concept of queen. Be it the band queen, Freddie Mercury, Brian May. Keep going. Professor and Marriott.

Whether it be... Can you name one more member of Queen, do you think? Roger Taylor. Okay. How about that? Great. And... Why did you leave him out then?

And a little basehead. A little basey guy. But we also have the movie... Was there a Roger Taylor in Queen and in Durand? Durand. Can you believe it? Weird. And I believe they played the same instrument.

The drums. But we also have the... Queen is the most powerful player on the chessboard. It can move in any direction as far as it wants. Sure, King is the one that we all want to capture, but Queen is the one where if you lose Queen, you've lost the game. You haven't. You've only lost Queen.

But you... Objection, Your Honor. You lose Queen. I'm speaking metaphor... You've not lost the game. No, we all know how... If you lose King... Your Honor, we all know how chess is played.

I'm talking metaphorically. If you lose King, you lose... Overruled, he is metaphorically speaking. But that... You can't use metaphor... He's said overruled. That's enough out of you. Please, Skittles.

Now we all know Godfather is a wonderful film. I'm not arguing that. 1972, a wonderful classic starring Pacino in his iconic career defining role until Scent of a Woman. That's right. Pre-yelling. Hua. Hua.

He did not say Hua in Godfather. That's a mark against it, I have to say. But Queen is so powerful. And really... Objection, Your Honor. I think you are forgetting about the scene where he says, Fredo, you never speak against the family. Your Honor.

Hua. Your Honor. Am I going to be able to make my case? Objection. Without interruption? Objection overruled. I'm going to ask you... Jason Menzuka.

Menzuka. Menzuka. To zip it. Strong words. But I appreciate it, Your Honor. Thank you very much. You got it, Skittles. After all, Godfather is a wonderful film, 1972.

But what happened in 1974? Godfather part two. And as every film historian will tell you, Godfather part two is superior to Godfather. So something has already beaten Godfather. So Godfather is not the most powerful player upon the board. But what about the sequel to Queen? Queen with Adam Lambert. Not as good.

So Ergo Queen is the best and Godfather is not the best Ergo Queen beats Godfather. I rest my case, Your Honor. Is anybody... Oh, I was going to say silence. No one's talking. Okay. First of all, I want to say thank you for your impassioned cases that you've made. Can I say, Your Honor, you're welcome.

Okay, Skittles. No. You're pushing it. Point of procedure here is... Have you ever seen anything involving a courtroom? What leads you to believe that this is the time we're all just going to chit chat? I'm clearly making a pronouncement. So, oh, that's what I...

Okay, got it, got it, got it. You earthlings have given me much to think about. And as much as you have both made wonderful cases, compelling cases, and impassioned cases for your cause, I do have a ruling. It can only go one way. Wait a second. Wait a second. Skittles, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Can we... Sidebar? Can we have a moment? Can we recess for approximately 120 seconds? A sidebar where it's just the two of you? We just want to reset. Not usually how we do things, but okay, I'll allow it.

Why are we... But why are we letting this time-traveling alien decide our fate, right? Yeah, what is he in charge of us? Because obviously, we hurt each other, we are friends, right? And we agree, even though we both said what we believe, that I am right. No. Wait. Obviously not.

You still think you're right. No, I definitely made the better case. I made a better case. You were so close to contempt twice. No. Listen, okay, you know what? Are you fucking kidding me? We got to get the people of this planet to decide what's right.

We got to do like an independence day kind of thing. We got to get the people of this planet. Where we all band together. I thought we had an agreement. And we forced this little tiny mother fucker out of here. Let's get this fucker in a shoe. Let's kill him. Let's get him in a shoe and kill him.

This is exactly what the problem is. This is what I think we need to do. Put it to a vote. You sneak up behind him. No. No. People can either support me or they can support you. That's what we'll bring our...

That's what we'll bring our planet together. You hold him by the two coats and I'll just take a knife. If we want to shiv him right into the belly and then he'll bleed out whatever kind of like science play he has. We get people to say, I'm with Scott or I'm with Jason and that's what's up. So you sneak up behind him. I'm growing impatient. Okay.

Are you done with your little... Yes. We're done. Yes. Recess is over. All right. So I'm ready to give my ruling. Skittles.

You're right. I don't know where that guy went, but okay. Keep looking at me though, but I really want to hear this ruling. I will. Okay. Godfather, it is an extremely important touchstone for you earthlings. It, in many ways, in all the interpretations, Godfather is soul, Godfather the movie, Godfather pizza, Godfather the guy who looks out for you and your spiritual well-being.

Sure. Important. Queen, all of the reasons that you cited, they all check out. I was especially moved by your queen sequel argument. Holy shit, I'm going to win. Mostly what I got to say is religion is bullshit. Queen beats Godfather. What?

It is so ordered. I demand an uprising. Look behind you. He's behind you. What? What are you doing? I got you. Let me go.

Let me go. Get him in the back. I won. I won. Holy shit. No. I won. I demand an uprising.

People, if you support me, if you support the Godfather, rise up against the monarchy. What is that? We will find his ship. Oh, he's dying. We will go to earth and we will destroy them. I've never seen anything killed before. Number nine. Oh, a good episode.

If I say so myself. I was, I'm very surprised that this is in the top countdown. Are you? Yeah. This is the God, that we just heard the Godfather versus Queen debate. Which now this is one of the few episodes in all my years of guesting on the show. Where I went in with literally nothing. Did you?

I absolutely forgot that it was happening. Yes. I forgot. It was a Saturday record. I don't think it was a Saturday. It was a Saturday. Was it? I'm going to leave.

I had not written it in my calendar. We had talked about it on text, but I'd never put it in my calendar. I completely forgot. I woke up and got a text from you asking if I was on my way. Yeah. Sometimes if it's like 10, sometimes I'll wait as long as 15 minutes. You're right. We recorded this on September 29th, which was a Saturday.

Yeah, I knew I was right, but thanks. Okay. At 2 p.m. Yeah. 2 p.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had totally forgotten about it. And I think I'd been up way late the night before for some reason.

I don't know if I was working or if I was just like. Red Dead Redemption 2. Maybe Red Dead Redemption 2. And so rushed over there. I might have just been like, have been awake for hours and completely forgot about it. I think you had completely forgotten about it. And you, but what's great about you, Paul, is as I said, hey, are you on your way? And you were like, no, I forgot about it, but I'll be right there.

Yeah. And you were over in 15 minutes. Yeah. And luckily I don't live that far. Right. And I just had no idea what to do. And I knew I wanted to do something new. But I didn't have anything.

And I really did. I looked at my phone. I keep a list of potential character names. And I saw that and I was like, I'll do something with this. I'll figure it out. Great. So Button Will McCutrick was born and you said you're surprised to hear it on the episode, but I think the.

Because it didn't feel, honestly, it did not feel that good at the time. I think because I was so unprepared. But the thing that I was so glad that we got at was the concept of, of that debate of does Queen beat Godfather? Queen beat. Yeah. I can't. I don't even think we played it in the clip of how we got into it.

But do you remember why we? I can't remember. No, I can't. Why? Why? But it was very fun to debate the merits of Queen versus Godfather. Yeah. There were so many things.

Everything that happened was, was, you know, an accident and, you know, just grabbing onto a thing that, that seemed intriguing that came up out of conversation. Like, you know, the idea that the earth is in danger. I think one of you guys might even suggested that or something. No, I believe it was you. You just said that us dum-dums, you had something important to tell us. I think, okay. And then I threw that out there and I was like, something will come.

Something will come. Of course. That's what this show is all about is something will come. Something will come. All right. Speaking of coming, a break is coming right now. And we have to get to it. So when we come back, we are going to go into your episode eight.

That's, this is fun. We're getting closer and closer to number one. I can't believe you. Here we go. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang. Hey everybody. I'm doing a bunch of shows at sketch fest this coming month. You'll hear about it at the end with the plugs, but I want to tell you about a special show

that I'm doing with my pal Mark Evan Jackson. This is Friday, January 25th at the Fillmore in Detroit, Michigan. Mr. Jackson and Mr. Tompkins. This is myself and Mark Evan Jackson doing a two man improv show. We've done it once before in Toronto. It was one of my top five on stage experiences in my whole career. It is going to be a lot of fun and it's a benefit for the Detroit creativity project. Please go to paulftompkins.com slash live for tickets.

Mr. Jackson and Mr. Tompkins one night only Detroit, Michigan, Friday, January 25th. We'll see you there. Comedy bang bang. Best of 2018. Must be jelly because jam don't shake like that. This is fun, isn't it? It's fun. Yeah.

Are you having fun? Are you having any fun? I'm having fun. What a weird song to write. What is that from? It's a song called are you having any fun? It's like an old standard. Is it from a musical?

No, it's an old standard. Well, a lot of those standards are from musicals technically, but you wouldn't know it because they're just like some play that you put on. I mean, it's like to take me out to the ball games from musicals. Exactly. It's from, of course, the... Ball game take me out. Ball game take me out.

Yeah, but what a weird song to say. Are you having any fun? Like some things don't need to be songs. You know? Absolutely. Some things don't need to be songs. Turning to your spouse. Turning to your spouse.

I think I'm turning to your spouse. I really think so. Hey, are you having any fun? That gives me a great idea for a song. No, it doesn't have to. It's a weird thing to ask. Are you having any fun? Are you having any fun?

Hey, in that, it's the holiday season, right? It is. Well, I mean, when people are listening to this, it's right after Christmas, but it is just the holiday season. That's the holiday season because New Year's Eve is coming up. Yeah, we're going right around the corner. But that song that goes, it's the holiday season and hickory dock. I don't know this.

You don't know that song? No, what is this? Oh, fuck. Okay, let me look it up. But what is your issue with it? What? What is it referring to? It's got a couple of weird moments in it where it's like, that's not a thing that people

just say. What does that have to do with the holiday season? It's the holiday season lyrics. It's the holiday season, so whoop-de-doo and hickory dock. Whoop-de-doo and hickory dock. Don't forget to hang up your sock because at exactly 12 o'clock, boy, they're really boxing Santa in to a very specific timeline. Yeah.

This is like investigators trying to box OG. They couldn't come up with a third rhyme for sock. So they got sock and clock. They start with hickory dock? Yeah. He'll be coming down the chimney down. He'll be coming down the chimney down. Who sings this piece of shit?

Andy Williams? Happy holidays. Oh, it's that song. Happy holidays. But what's the tune of this? It's the holiday season. It's the holiday season. Listen to this.

Whoop-de-doo and hickory dock. By the way, the previous verse does not even share the rhyme scheme of that verse. It's the holiday season and Santa Claus is coming back. Now you would expect it to be like crack, sack. Yeah. Here are the lyrics. The Christmas snow is white on the ground when old Santa gets into town. He'll be coming down the chimney down.

I would have thought like- This is the laziest lyric writing ever. It's the holiday season. Santa's back. My pussy in. My crack. My neck. My back.

You gotta lick it before you kick it, Santa. This is some lazy shit. It's some lazy shit, Anthony Williams. Guess who wrote it? C. Evercoop. He did. Why? Why would he do this?

Why would he do this? Just be the surgeon general. Why would he do this to us? Is that not enough for you? Who's the current surgeon general? That's a great question. I will look it up, Scotty. Look it up, Scotty.

Look it up. Look it up, Scotty. Look it up. You're never going to guess it. I'm never going to guess it. Never going to guess it. Never going to guess it. Never going to guess it.

Never going to guess it. Never going to guess it. I'm going to say it's- Don't look at the reflection in my eyes. I have a story to tell you about that. Oh, you do. It's somebody else's story, so I'll tell you off mic. Okay, great.

Someone else's story. Kenneth. The musical chess. I think it's Kenneth Lonergan. So close. Vivek Murthy. Vivek Murthy was my second choice. Ah, sorry.

You should have chosen him first. He was confirmed under President Barack Obama in 2017. Oh, he's still. Trump didn't put his own guy in there. Wait, hold on. He was replaced. No, he's replaced. No, you're right.

He is replaced? It's his even- Yeah, he was replaced under Trump. Hold on. Then who is it? Current Surgeon General is- Oh, some Jerome Adams. But he's not been confirmed yet.

Maybe we don't have one. He doesn't sound like a real guy. Jerome Adams. Jerome Adams. Meanwhile, Vivek Murthy. Why are we replacing this guy? He's perfect. Vivek Murthy, the Murthy group.

I just love you, you know? What about the Murthy group? Great stuff recently about him. So great stuff. Did we go to a break or are we back from a break? I think we're back from a break. We are back from a break. Yes, we are.

You're right. We're back from a break. All right. We need to get to the countdown. We need to get back to this countdown. Let's go to your episode eight. Number eight. All right, episode eight.

This is from earlier in the year. This is episode 541. Oh, now this one is a controversial pick. Is it? I don't know. This is an episode called Is That a Joke? Sounds familiar. And the people involved are Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch.

And myself, of course. And this is, okay, so Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch, they are touring the country currently. I believe they have four or five tour dates next year, where they, including, are they playing Carnegie Hall or they're playing Radio City? I can't remember. Carnegie Hall.

You know, I used to dream about the wonderful performers. No, performance spaces that, oh, someday I would play. And I've gotten to go on, and you and I have gotten to go on some great ones. The theater, the Ace Hotel here. The Great Space. The Wiltern. I was in that Mr. Show thing.

That's right. That was exciting. I think you were on. That was exciting. I just sang a song in it, but it was a lot of fun to do the Wiltern. And then when we were in England, we played that big, like, 1600 cedar.

We sold that out of, it was, was it the London Blade? No, it was the Shepherd's Bush. It was something Shepherd's Bush. And remember backstage, there were all these, on the walls, they had all the people who had played there. And it was like the Rolling Stones warm-up concert. And the Who warm-up concert. Like, they're not going to play their regular show here, of course.

But it made me feel good. Like, wow, I'm playing where the Rolling Stones played. Oh, their warm-up concert. But still, we've played some great places. Maybe we'll play Carnegie Hall someday. Maybe we will. Who knows? Yeah, we should.

Let's do it this year, this coming year. Okay. We'll play Carnegie Hall. All right. We'll put that up as our New York tour date. I'm in. If we do a tour. I'm in.

Okay. We'll do that. Definitely. But Tommy and Ben are out there touring the country right now with their Middle Ditch and Schwartz tour. And they came on the show to promote it. And when they're on the show, they basically just pick a crazy name

and then play these crazy characters who don't know each other. This show is no exception. This is your episode eight. Let's hear it. Number eight. I don't know what his job is, but his name is Leonard Stueltap. Hello, Leonard.

Hi. How are you? My name is Leonard Stueltap. Leonard Stueltap. What an interesting name. Oh, my God. Yeah, thanks. I'm from all over the world.

I was born all over the world. I was born in a plane. You were born in a plane, which was just kind of. So my head was born in Russia. My body was technically born in Switzerland. And my legs were born in Amsterdam. Amazing. So you have so many nationalities.

Oh, my goodness. Thank you for saying that. Wow. But your accent sounds very, very. Oh, I'm very posh. I took all the different dialects from all around the world. And I put them together in a beautiful stew. And here I am, Leonard Stueltap.

Leonard Stueltap. So it's so good to talk to you. Thank you for being on the show. Thank you. I don't know why my producer hooked you up with the show, but obviously you're here to talk about something. Well, I'll tell you what I do and then you'll know why. I'm a professional hooker.

A professional hooker? I'm a professional hooker. Don't call me a jiggler. I'm a professional hooker. Okay. I guess if you were not a professional and you were a hooker, you would just be like any of us, just having sex for free. That's a funny joke.

So I guess what I am is a funny joke. Oh, that's the other thing. I don't understand jokes. Oh, okay. So wait, do you just say that's a funny joke after every single thing anyone says just in case? That's a funny joke. Just in case someone says a joke, I say that's a funny joke.

Oh, it's terrible. When I'm doing a eulogy, I say it at the end also just in case. You know what I mean? How often are you doing eulogies, by the way? That's a funny joke. Like, I'll do a eulogy probably once a week. Once a week for people you know? You've got to get good at them.

It's just like a best man speech. So you're sort of practicing for the ultimate eulogy that you're going to get? When I prostitute, I end up with a lot of people who are deceased afterwards. And because of that, I have to be good at eulogies. You wind up with people who are deceased afterwards. Are you murdering them? No, I bang so hard I bust them open. Men, women.

Why would anyone hire you? They don't know. That's a joke. They don't know. It's not a joke. That's a serious thing that you're doing. Is that a joke? No, that's not a joke.

Right. So in my head, have you ever had sex before? Yeah, several times. I'm a married man. Oh, really? Who you married to? Kulap? Wait, how do you know her?

I just made up a funny word. So how long? What are you doing? You hit it 100%. Really? Kulap? Visa? No way, right?

Well, you got the last name wrong. Okay, got it. Cool. Can I ask you a question? Yes. What's it like when you have sex? What's it like? I mean, it's a loving, tender communion of two bodies.

Of course, of course. Commingling and almost becoming... Don't say commingling. Is that a joke? My question to you is, what's it like? It's, I don't know. It's like your private parts kind of tingle and then they sort of... I'll tell you what it's like to have sex with me.

Okay. Have you seen Avengers Infinity Gauntlet? Yeah. It's out by now, right? Yeah, it's great. Well, I mean, I don't think it's out by now. Imagine all the stones, all the infinity stones in my balls and every time I come, the power of all the infinity stones come together and burst through either your ass or your vagina.

That's, I mean, that's powerful. You're the Thanos of coming. You said it. I didn't say it. You know what I mean? Is that a joke? It's not a joke. Are you sure?

I didn't mean to do this. Because... Every single person that you've ever had sex with deceased? No, one person has not. Who is that? Ugh. I don't want to say his name because he's, he's a big celebrity. Who?

Please, I mean... I don't want to say his name because he's a big celebrity. Come on, tell, I mean, you can't just tease us like this. Who is this? He may, ugh, I can't believe I'm doing this. Please, give us a little goss. Ray Bradbury. Ray Bradbury?

Yes. Writer of Fahrenheit 451? I didn't know that, was he? Dandelion Wine? Oh, I had no idea. Really? Did he ever speak at my college once? Oh, my goodness.

How was he? Was he as cool as he was in bed? Yeah, he's, I mean, I don't know how cool he was in bed. Oh, he was super cool. Because he's a science... He's one of those guys that puts on sunglasses and goes, let's do it. Do you know what I mean? I guess that's cool.

So, wait a minute. Because he's a science fiction writer, he was able to escape this sort of science fiction... I guess, I don't know. I gave him my blow and he didn't. You know what I mean? He didn't blow up. But I'm not here to talk about sex. I'm here to talk about my new passion.

Okay, good. Because I think we've gone about as far as we can go. Oh, really? With the professional hooker bar. What is your new passion? What do you undo these days? Oh, you want to hear about it right now? Yes, if you're here to talk about it, I want to hear about it right now.

Let us Terry know further. I create sports for babies. You create sports for babies. Yeah, do you like football? Do you like football? I love football. Oh, well, I have a football baby league. So, it doesn't sound like you're creating a sport as much as you're just organizing a league.

Right, I guess I'm more of a soccer mom than anything. Wait a minute. So, you're not creating new sports? No. Oh, yes I am. Do you want to hear the new sports I'm creating? Yeah, that's what I thought you were talking about. It's like baseball, but instead of a ball.

So, it's a stick sport. It's a stick sport. And a ball sport. It's a ball sport and a stick sport. The best combination of a stick sport and a ball sport. What are the things you love about all the different sports? Well, I love points. We've got it.

Okay, great. I love competition. Oh, my goodness, yes. I love that they normally don't end in ties. Yes, well, this one the only way to win is to not end with a tie. Okay, I love... Imagine if you will close your eyes. Imagine if you will a sport that combines baseball, football, soccer, and flying all at the same time,

but has nothing to do with Harry Potter. Okay, so not Quidditch. It's not Quidditch. Okay, so... By the way, there is a lawsuit pending on me. Okay, wait. There is a lawsuit pending. Everybody gets on their brimes, not brooms, brimes.

Brimes. These are flying machines? Uh, they fly, yes. Okay. And they get their balls and you have to take it and try to throw it through the hoop. Their testicles? No, that's a funny joke. Is that a joke?

That was a joke, yes. Okay, I wouldn't know. A broken clock is right twice a day. I have something very similar to Quidditch, but it's not quite Quidditch. Okay. Okay, and so everybody gets on their brimes. They go up. They try to throw their balls through the hoops.

Whoever gets the most Dingle Bops wins. Okay, what is this sport called? It's called Quidditch. Quidditch. It's spelled like Quidditch, but it's pronounced differently. The I doesn't have a dot over it. Okay, so it's Quidditch. Wait, is that a joke?

Because you're laughing. No, I'm laughing because someone tickled my foot. And I don't even know what that is. What did I just do? A laugh? Yeah, that was definitely a joke. So was that a joke? I thought it was a joke because of your laugh.

So it's Quidditch. It's exactly like, it's very similar to Quidditch. It's spelled the same, pronounced differently. Yes, but it's way less expensive. It's so expensive to pay Quidditch because you've got to get those brooms. Well, you also have to be magic. You use brimes, which exist. Oh, that's another thing.

I guess I'm magic. Wait, you are magic? I mean, obviously I thought that because of your, you know... Yeah, I blow people up in my cum. You don't think I'm magic? What are you, crazy? Literally, I orgasm in someone and they explode into a million particles and then start life anew as a tree.

You don't think I'm magic? Okay, I guess... How did you become magic? Yeah, I feel like my producer should have introduced you as magic person first. Oh, yeah, I guess. I don't know. I'm not your producer. I don't know why you're yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you. In fact, I haven't... You've got all the bullet points for your Wikipedia page, okay? I'm goddamn magic. I blow people up in my cum. I have a sport like Quidditch, but not really. And I organize leagues of football and baseball for babies. In what way are you magic?

Huh? I say, in what way are you magic? Close your eyes. How are you... Close your eyes. They're closed. Okay, open your eyes. Okay.

For those 10 seconds, your eyes were closed. The entire room was made of blue. And dragons were here. What? How would I know that? I mean, that's... Your eyes have to be closed. Wait, so no one can see your actual magic?

No, because your brain, you have to have... You have to focus on my words and my magic. Okay. Let me close them again. Okay. Oh my God, I can't, but look how many... Oh my God, look how many dumplings are here. Did you open your eyes?

I just opened them. Yeah, they all disappeared. There's no dumplings. They all disappeared. They were all here. How many dumplings were here? Look at me. Don't I look like I ate a bunch of dumplings?

Yeah, I mean, not really. I look similar, right? You don't really look different after you're done. That's what I do. My magic is the second your eyes are closed, I can almost do anything. Well, look, Leonard Stooltap. Leonard Stooltap, that's me. You're a very interesting person.

Magical abilities. Yes, magic when you close your eyes. You've had sex with Ray Bradbury, who's no longer with us. What an interesting person you are, but we do need to get to our next guest. Oh, there's another guest. I'm not enough for you? Well, I mean, I hope you stick around and speak to him because... Himmer, yeah, it is a him.

I don't have his profession here with me either, but I do have his name. Yeah, please welcome to the show for the first time ever, Mitch Slokum. Hi. Hi. It's so good to meet you, Mitch. Yeah, it's great to meet you here. This is Leonard Stooltap. Leonard, how are you?

Okay. What are you up to, Mitch? What's your deal? What's your whole thing? What do you mean? Like, oh, is this guy coming at me? Yeah, come on, get him in easy. Get me in easy.

Welcome to the show. What do you mean? Oh, what? Welcome to the show. Thank you. I'm trying to do some pleasantries before you have to immediately explain yourself. Okay. Well, now do I explain myself?

Yeah, please. I mean, if you're ready to. Okay. Well, I'm currently a stay-at-home father. Stay-at-home father? That's wonderful. How many children do you have? None.

I don't work because I was in a very bad horse accident, horse collision. Oh, no. You collided with a horse or you were on top of a horse? Four years ago, I was perambulating through a field, an open field. What is perambulating? To work. You were walking to a field? I was walking to a field.

Why not just say walk? Because perambulation sounds longer. Close your eyes for one second. Open your eyes. You just sucked 50 dicks. I'm fine with that. What are you trying to scare me? You're never going to scare me.

Close your eyes. Okay. Open your eyes. Got it. You just jerked off two dragons. Okay. That doesn't faze you at all? If that really happened, I am a god amongst men.

I vanquish two very powerful monsters. Vanquish? Well, when you jack someone off, that's a sign of power over the other person. Don't you know that? Yes. You're making the other person submit to you. I haven't found that to be true. If you ever want to show your dominance, jack someone off.

The unflappable Mitch Slocum. Yes. I was walking through the field in two horses. You're perambulating through the field? Well, I wanted to dump it down for this freak over here. I'm sorry. Why would you do that? Well, just, you know.

Anyway, I was walking through the field, perambulating as it were. And two horses collided into me. They were running very fast. Two? Were they coming at each other? It's hard to say. I mean, I looked to the left, and one horse said, you're next. I pointed to me, and then he pointed no behind you.

The horse talked to you? And then I turned around, and then the other horse was like, okay, buddy, you want to pinch me? And then they run into me. I tried to get out of the way, but it wasn't. How did you try to get out of the way? Were you trying to perambulate? I jumped, if you can believe it.

Whoa! How high? To try to make them hit into each other? Yeah. Well, at first I jumped forward, and I didn't go anywhere on account of my, as you can see, I don't have legs. Wait, but where are we? Oh, wait.

Hold on. That was because of the horse. I cannot see that. So this isn't how you lost your legs? No, no, no, no, no. This is just another weird thing to happen. A terrible accident. Okay.

This was a terrible accident in the field. Have you ever had two horses collide with you? No. I mean, what you're explaining sounds like horses acting like raptors, grouping up and trying to kill you. Well, just as they were coming, just as they were colliding, I turned to one and I said, clever girl. Is that a joke?

I don't believe so. So how were you perambulating to this field without legs? On my hand. Anywho, I lost my legs in a terrible wheat combine accident. Oh, yeah. Close your eyes. Okay. Open your eyes.

Okay. You had legs for a little bit. That doesn't bring me to tears if you're trying to make me emotional for one second. I'll get your emotion. I'll get your emotion. I'd love that. Here, tell you what. Close your eyes again.

Okay. Okay. Now try to walk while your eyes are closed. I don't believe I can. Open your eyes. I did nothing. You fucking idiot. Oh.

But you tried. You did try. I made you try. I don't believe I did. I think I was confused. Made you try. Wheat combine? Wheat combine?

Wheat combine. Did you work for a company that was threshing wheat? No, I was messing around. I really shouldn't have been there. Okay. I was putting stones in the gears. Was this a loose combine somewhere or a friend's combine? Are you an anti-wheat guy?

I was eight. What can a boy do? Oh, yeah. I put stones in the wheat combine gears. Play? Yes. And the farmer decided to teach me a lesson and he waited for me when I was on the gears and on the blades and he turned it on.

Oh, no. Wow. I mean, that's a hard lesson to learn. I learned it. You definitely learned it. I'll never do that again. Yeah. Have you done it again since?

No, but I am passionate about rocks. Okay. Passionate about rocks. Tell us everything. I like to collect the magma ones in the outer space ones in the sediment ones in the ones that flake in the ones that are hard and the ones that are crusty and the ones that charred and I like the rocks that go boom, boom when I take the rocks and I go zoom, boom down the hill.

I roll them down the hill. Big or small, it doesn't matter till they hit the man or a lady or a bus. I like it when they clang of the bus. Hey. Wow. Was that planned? That was incredible. That's what I say at the beginning of all my rock.

Okay. Do it from the beginning, man. Here we go. Wait, I can't. I've got a one limit. Oh, that makes sense. One limit is a rule. Yeah, that definitely makes sense.

So, you're a rock collector. You're sort of a geologist in a way? No, Lord, it's what they're called in the circuit. I had a couple of geologists on recently who were also singers. Who? Name the names. Brashford. Brashford, I know them.

Yeah, yeah. And Samson, I think? Samson, yes. No, I know them both. Yeah, they're married couple. Yes. Yeah. Yes, I've seen them at the rock conventions.

Yeah, right, yeah. They sing that one song that they barely know. Yes. Solid as a rock. It's also, it's very confusing. Rock conventions couldn't mean rock and roll music. Yeah, how often does that happen where you think you're going to, you know, a convention that...

And it turns out you're going to... It turns out it's a lot of blue. Just death leopard. Coachella. The amount of accidental warp tours that I've been to... I can't even imagine. I can't even tell you. Do you enjoy them, though?

Are you kidding me? Who doesn't like a little ooh-wah? A little long beach all stars. Did you ever go, is Lilith Fair confusing or no? Like the bodies hit the floor. Oh, wow, do you sing? I try to. Let's hear a little bit of it.

Disrespect your surroundings. Oh, you only know three words from each thing? Yeah. I do it all for the nookie. Oh, I know that one, the nookie. Let me see. Corn, you know any corn? All day I dream about sex.

Is that true? What? Are you big into sex? I'm celibate by choice. Oh, my goodness. We are polar out. Why? We are milk and cereal.

We are so opposite. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Here we go. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk.

You know, we should try that in a round. Would you care to? Okay, here we go. Yeah, you start us off. So I think, will I point? Or you'll just know. What do we do? I think it would on, milk and...

On and. Oh, to do, like, a row, row, row your bow? Here we go. I'm ready, I'm ready. Do you mind? I'll go after. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, milk and cereal.

Wait, do you want me to give a different time? Give me a second time. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. We almost did it.

I'd like to try again. Okay, ready to go? I'd like to make up new words to it. One, two. I'm laughing, it's too much fun. Is that a joke? Everyone, do a deadly joke. Are we in a joke?

D You know, have you ever had a dream in the morning where you can't wake up from? It sounds like this. It sounds like that's what that sounds like. That was a lot of fun. I loved it. Number eight. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So they're playing Leonard Stooltap and Mitch Slocum. I believe I mentioned Brashford and Franklin, not Samson. I believe it's Brashford and Samson is who I meant to mention when I mentioned Brashford and Franklin, who are from a different episode who may be coming up later on the countdown. Who knows?

Who can say? Who can say? Certainly not I. Not the likes of you. Certainly not I. Only God can say. Only God can judge us. Do you think he's out there judging us?

Yeah, I do. If I know. If I know. If I know. If I know. If I know. If I know. If I know.

If I know. If I know. If I know. We criticize you. Praise us. Yeah, just to judge us, just to judge us. Just to judge us. Just to judge us.

God, you created us. Just to judge us. We are going out of our minds. It's happening. We have. Look guys. We have one more clip before the end of this episode before you and I go on a lunch break. Look, we have another clip.

But let's before we do that, we have to go to a break is that right have to. When we come back, we're going to have Episode 7 on the countdown. This is so exciting. We're really getting to it. Number 11. Lucky. Number 11. We'll be right back with more comedy.

Bang, bang. Hi, everyone. Scott Ackerman here. Did you know, I hope you do, that in 2018, Ear Wolf published 1,785 episodes. That's over 1,591 hours. That's 66 days worth of podcast listening if you never went to sleep. Since you probably don't have that kind of time, all of the hosts and producers here at Ear Wolf chose their favorite episode of their show this year and made a playlist

for you. Go see if your favorite episode made the cut and check out some new shows. What better place to start than the very best episode of the year after all. I believe for Comedy Bang Bang, I might have picked an episode. I don't want to spoil it, but just check it out. Go over to earwolf.com slash pics. That's P-I-C-K-S to see all the selections. Again, that's earwolf.com slash pics.

All of these episodes are out from behind the paywall and Stitcher Premium members. There is a special version of the playlist just for you. Oh boy. Just search Stitcher or search Stitcher for Ear Wolf pack pics 2018. Thanks for a great year of podcasts. We want to hear your favorites. Tell us your favorite episode of 2018 with a hashtag, hashtag slash tag Ear Wolf pics. Don't say slash tag.

Don't say hashtag Ear Wolf pics. Comedy Bang Bang. Wow. We're really doing it. Scott, we're tearing through this shit. We're tearing this countdown a new A-hole. We're like shit through a goose. Do geese shit a lot?

Is that why that expert, or the, I guess when you're watching a goose, it's just like shit and constantly. They can't hold their grain. They love grain, but they can't. They just, it just goes right through them. It goes right through them like. Geese. Diarrhea.

Is it that, I don't know that it's. You know when you're. Well said, Scott. Sliding into home and you're feeling all that foam. Diarrhea. I think it said, it's not so much that they shit all the time. Why is that? Can I ask, why, what is the convergence of diarrhea and baseball that that rhyme?

You really don't know? No. You really don't know. No, I don't. Why? Scott, this is absurd. That rhyme, who, I don't understand, like diarrhea, diarrhea, when you slide, when you're coming into first and you feel your trousers burst when you're sliding into third and you feel

that big turd, although that's the opposite of diarrhea as far, you know, like why? Who was like, we, listen, I got an idea. Let's imagine baseball players have diarrhea. Now look, I'm a baseball fan. Sure. So I know this. You're Mr. Baseball. They call me Mr. Baseball.

And this is maybe a little inside that game. Sure. Which might be at certain points. In order to perform at the peak, at the level these guys are at, they all have diarrhea. Is it because of their dietary? Yes. I see. And the certain medications that one has to take, they're basically all on speed.

Yeah. Yeah. Diarrhea speed. The speed at which diarrhea passes through. See, that's the thing. I don't think it's that goose shit all the time. It's that they shit so quickly. They're just like in it.

They're just like, there it goes. So that's what it was. People were like, looked at that and said, wow, they shit so fast. Have you ever seen a goose like settle down on a magazine on a toilet? No, you haven't. No, no toilet for you. R.I.B. Oh, Paul, we're really doing it though.

You have to admit. I am compelled to admit that. Yes, we are. The power of Christ compels you to admit that we are really doing it. The power of Christ compels you. Why aren't TV preachers really a thing anymore? They're still there. Were they parodying so much that people don't take them seriously enough?

They were mortified. They were mortified. You know how like in the late 80s and early 90s, it was like, yeah, enough parodies of TV preachers. We know they're seedy. We know they're out. They're just, you know, they're for money. But it worked.

It did. It really worked. What happened was TV preachers, when they saw all the comedians make fun of them, they were like, let's lay low for a little bit and then we'll come back. People forget. All these hilarious parodies. It's going to become a hacky thing and then we'll wait until we'll write it out. And then when people kind of forget about it, we'll be back.

We'll be back. I meant for that to be, I meant for that to be at our Schwarzenegger and instead we'll be back is what I said. There's a way to do a Schwarzenegger and I completely missed it. What if, what if in that movie, he was like, we'll be back and then slowly into Frammy is a little hand puppet and you just end up just nods and says, I wish people could see what I'm doing. It's real good.

It's so funny. Your space work is exceptional. We have to get to our final clip of this episode, Paul, I can really see it. Yeah. I'm doing a puppet. It's exciting because this is episode number seven, number seven. All right. Number seven.

This is episode 574, Paul, the five hundreds are very popular this year. Not only that, but this is the final episode that was eligible for our countdown. This is impossible. From first to last, I believe the Bible tells us Bible, the alpha and the Omega 524, which was on our previous countdown, Mary Chunky Christmas. That was not our first episode eligible. I thought it was from first to last, but it's not. I think there was one or two before then, but this is the last episode that was eligible.

This is an episode called Conan never goes outside and the parties involved in this are Conan O'Brien. That's right. From the titular tonight show. No, of course he has his own show, Conan. Of course he has. Paul F. Tompkins. That's me.

Lauren Lapkis. That is also her. All of these people are involved in this episode, and this was merely a month ago, I believe, that we recorded this. It seems like only yesterday, but it was in fact yesterday and then three weeks. Plus about three weeks or so, or maybe four. Yeah, maybe four. Of course, this is an episode where our label mate, he is on the Ear Wolf Network, Conan

O'Brien, was making the rounds, doing some podcasts and agreed very nicely to do ours, and ... Well, you agreed. Was he nice about it? I'm not sure. I believe he complained about it on a different podcast. Hmm, seems unlike him. Well, I have run into Conan a couple of times here and there.

I directed the Between Two Ferns episode he was in, which was in the basement of the Tonight Show theater at Universal Studios when he was there for about six months. We filmed it in the basement there. So I'd run into him a couple of times, but I don't really know him. Does anyone? That's the whole premise of his show, that he has no friends. I guess I won't pitch that to him though. Hey, here's a pitch for you.

You got no friends. Nobody likes you. But it was a pleasure talking to him. Actually in these clips that we're going to play, we don't normally play a lot of the interview segment on these clips, but it was such a good interview that I wanted to play some of it. Why not? And we talk about the very topic that you and I were discussing not moments ago, SCTV,

where he tells John Candy stories. That's right. So we are going to play a little bit of the interview. By the way, if you're just listening to these episodes for the first time, you don't really know what Comedy Bang Bang is. Normally the show starts off with a real person, and I'm talking to them, and I do a little bit of an interview. Not too serious about what they're up to, and then we bring in fake characters.

So we're going to play a little bit of the real interview with Conan, and then we are going to play a section from you and Lauren Lapkis. You're playing Pat and Scott Hampton-Krat, two hoteliers. And after this later, Mary Holland plays a ghost. But instead, we're going to hear these first two clips. This is your episode seven. Big Beatles fan, do you like the Beatles? What happened there?

Did you just have a small stroke? Yeah. How did you get tiny one? So you've done no preparation. Oh, absolutely. You're not even sure who I am. I think that you are... You think I'm Bill Burr wearing a wig, don't you?

That's what you think. You think you have more hair than Bill Burr? I know I have more hair than Bill Burr. So let's talk about the podcast. I have more hair than Lucille Ball. Currently. Yes. Oh, God, why did you do it?

What did you remind us that she's gone? People need reminding about these facts, because otherwise they don't know. She lives on in our hearts, doesn't she? She certainly does. As long as they're on that tube, that flickering screen, they're still alive, I will live long after my death in 11 years. I will still be around because somewhere they'll be showing my show accidentally. Is that why everything's going up on the web?

You know, because... Preparing. Right. The end of days. It must be difficult, and this is leading you down another legal avenue here, but how difficult is it to get the rights from the NBC shows? You're not on a NBC show? No, no, that was...

It took us a while, but we... I get along very well with all the people that are there now, and it's a joint venture with them, and so let's say putting it up on the web makes us $8. They'll get seven of it. Okay, that's not a great split for you. I'm not interested in the money, I never was. You just want people to see it. I have never been paid for my show.

Really? Yeah, I've pretty much been an intern. So you're the opposite of Jay Letter, who doesn't spend his money, but he gets paid. If I could get money, I would spend it like crazy. What would you spend it on? Oh my god, it's amazing what I've spent it on. You're the type of celebrity that I can't imagine ever driving down the street. I don't...

It's funny when you say celebrity, I don't think of myself as a celebrity. You don't, really? I think of someone that interacts with celebrities, but I myself don't feel that way about myself. Obviously when you... I'm not in celebrity magazines, I defy you to find me. No paparazzi wants a picture of me. My plan worked perfectly. I get to be in comedy and I am completely uninteresting and remain uninteresting to anyone who takes

photographs of celebrities. And yet you probably have all of the annoying aspects of celebrity of, can you go down the street without people wanting to take your picture? I get a lot of selfie requests. How many do you grant? I grant every single selfie. 100%. That's not a joke.

That's not a joke. Really? And why is that? Do you see yourself... It takes a second. I do it and I know that... Yourself as a young comedy fan? I remembered when I was a young comedy, just fanatic and occasionally would meet a hero.

And I was not the kind of person to approach them, but if I did get the chance to, I did get the chance to spend a day with John Candy, who I had just idolized. It was recently the anniversary of his death, I believe. Or his birthday. Recently his birthday. One of the two. Coming or going. Why you cut in there?

I don't know. But that was your choice and you made it and now we're talking about his death. Interesting style. Lucille Ball, him. Yeah. But I got to spend a day with him. I'm going to keep going. I got to spend a day with him back in 1984.

And I remembered very clearly that he was everything I wanted him to be. He was just full of life. He was false staff. He was really hilarious. He was really funny. And I thought, if I ever get the opportunity, I really did think this at the time. If I ever get the opportunity to do what I would most like to do and I'm known for it, I want to be, when people are a fan and they meet me, I want to show them that it's a real

thing. I don't want it to be orifice. And no, no, no, that's how I act on TV, but I'm not really that person. So that's sort of almost a quasi-religious thing with me. Can you tell us one example of a story about John Candy where he, in the day, how many hours are we talking? I got to spend, I was in college at the time and I was running the humor magazine and I invited him to come visit our humor magazine because I just adored him in Boston.

He said yes, which I couldn't believe. I picked him up at the airport. He flew in. I remembered him to this day, I remembered him coming down an escalator, holding a paper back that he'd been reading on the plane. The minute I met him, I thought, oh, don't bring, don't be the nerd who brings up all your favorite SETV skits, but he's so friendly. I started, I just brought up, you know, the yellow belly was a skit where it came with

a song. It was a parody of a TV show about a cowardly, it was like his yellow belly and he's a cowardly cavalry officer who gets discharged for cowardice and it just shows him walking down the street and a woman and a little girl walk by and the girl says, I think that's yellow belly and he turns around and shoots them both in the back. It was the hardest I've laughed as a kid. You never saw anything that mean, that edgy, and there was a song. He's a coward, I brought it up to John Candy and he was delightful and he reenacted it.

And then I had been told by his people, you've got to make sure that John Candy stays on his diet. He's on a Pritikin diet. He's on a Pritikin diet and they sent me back then, I think they had to send it through the mail. This was back in the 1940s, but they sent it through pneumatic tube. Mail carrier on a horse. Yes, exactly.

I got this thing and it was like he can have four ounces of boiled chicken, no skin. He can have this. He can have that. Why are you in charge of this? Because I was hosting him for the day, so they wanted to make sure that I got him all the right food that he needed because he was on this really serious diet. So he shows up and the first thing he did is he said, hey, let's walk around. Let's get the feel of the city.

And he was this larger than life really fun guy. Come on. He kept calling me kid. Hey kid, come on. And I was like, oh, all right. I'm the height I am now, six, four, but I was about 155 pounds and just this big floppy thing of hair and super, it's just super skinny. I'm like, oh, okay, Mr. Candy.

And I'm walking along with him and the first thing he does is he goes into a pastry shop and he starts pointing to a clairs in the cabinet and he was like, well, I'll take that one. I'll take that one. I'll take that one. Give me two of those. Give me two of those. And they start putting all these eclairs and I'm getting really nervous and I'm really

freaking out. And he looked at me and he winked and he went, don't worry kid, they're pretty kind of clairs. And I was like, I'm in a show with him. I'm in a show with him. He lived his life like it was a show and everyone else was the cast. Yes, exactly. And I thought, that's beautiful. What a beautiful.

His life was, I mean, he was, that's a really special moment for me. And then recently, not too long ago, I ran into a woman who said, I'm John Candy's, I'm his daughter. And I remember that you hung out with my dad for a day or that, you know, I've heard you talk about it. And then she, we exchanged information and then she sent me a photo that her dad took of me. What?

On campus. Yeah. And it's amazing. Yeah. It's really sweet. And that he kept in his, his photo book. Or he never, or he never threw out any photo. I doubt it was that important to him because I was, I was just random kid at the time.

Incredible. Do you know, did he, he wasn't still with us in 93 or was he by the time you got your show? You know, he would, I desperately would have wanted to be a guest, but he passed away just a few months into our show. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, on that note. You did it again. You're incredible. You're incredible. I just have to say. Sorry. We'll be back to discuss both Kennedy assassinations. Well, we have to bounce to our next guests.

They are two hoteliers. And I believe I'm pronouncing that correctly. Does he want to say, hoteliers? Or is it always hoteliers? Some people say that and they're wrong. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's welcome them to the show.

They've never been on the show before. So this is an exciting opportunity to talk to them. This is welcome Pat and Scott Hampton-Kratts. I really had to read that. That's a lot of letters in that last name. We have to read it too when we have to introduce ourselves. We have to write it sometimes. How do you feel?

How do you think we feel? Pat and Scott Hampton-Kratts. That's right. That's right. This is Conan and Brian. Hello. Nice to see you, Pat. How do you do?

Which one is Pat? Which one's Scott? Well, I'm Scott. Well, I don't want to. Because you owe. Is it scatological? No. My phone name's Scott Trisha.

Yeah. Why would you go down the scatological route with Scott Trisha? She said it like, well, you know what I mean. My phone name is Patman. Like Patman? No. Like Patman Crothers. Oh, yeah.

Why are you getting me so long? That's where I went too. I thought he meant like Patman Crothers. I'm sorry. I've never seen The Shining, so I don't know who that is. Welcome to the show, guys. Thank you for having us, Scott. Thanks so much.

It's a pleasure to be here. Your hoteliers. What hotel are you in charge of? Hotel. Exactly. A hotel. A property. It's a property that we own that people can pay money to stay in.

I love a good property when I go on vacation. Conan, do you ever go on vacation? I mean, you must go somewhere. I do. What's your city of choice? I'm Nova Scotia. Nova Scotia. I only go to Nova Scotia.

There's a small shack there down by the water that I like to visit. It's very expensive, actually. Really? Do they keep it open for you year round? Is that? Just be ready to go at any moment. Any moment. What's in that shack?

Is it just? I'd rather not say. A table, a chair, and one rifle. Let's just say it looks can be deceiving. It looks like a very simple shack on the outside. Inside it's quite opulent. It's like the TARDIS. Yeah.

And it goes down many levels. It's a way for me, well, let's be honest, a world-renowned celebrity to get away. Now earlier in the show, you were saying you didn't consider yourself to be a celebrity and suddenly your world-renowned? It's just for saps. Scott, thanks for having us. Yeah, welcome to the show, guys. You know what I would say?

I would never as a host, Pat and Scat. I would never, ever, ever. This is not a competition between us. Oh, I think it has become much. I'm sorry, I'm turning your cone in. Yeah, thank you very much, Scat. Or I'm sorry, Scatricia, not for scatological. Scat.

Scatological for short. Okay, well now, I would never have, he swiveled his chair away from you and addressed me. My chair has been right here the entire show. I heard a squeaking swivel. He swiveled it away, looked at me. I look at both of you and I say, you said it's not a real hotel. What kind of building is it? Thank you.

Do you want to take over for me? I would love to just add color commentary every once in a while. If you want to do play-by-play. Oh, happily. Okay, very good. Oh, good. Well, yeah. We have a home in Sandusky, Ohio.

That's right. And a home of Jerry Sandusky. Wait, they've named the city after him recently? I had a whole parade. To be fair, they named it long before. Oh, okay. It was named before and they're having that. It's named after the town.

Yeah. They talked about changing the name since then. Yeah, but it's a bureaucratic mess to try and get on that. It's too hard, too many IDs. It is. And a lot of pranksters are saying, let's call it paternal Ohio. Yeah. Like, that's a lateral movement.

What are you going to do? You've got to get updated all of your accounts online. That's right. That's right. Everyone would have to fill out a change of address for it. Everyone. And we single person. There's no point.

So we absolutely love it there, of course. We love it there, of course. So you have this house. Is it the house that you consider that the hotel or is it another structure? It's a structure that we use. It's a home. It is a home. And during the week, so we don't have any customers or patrons, as we so love to call

it. We stay there. We live there and this is our home. Yeah. When is the day we live there? And when is the day we live there? When we get a customer, patron, as we sometimes like to call it, we move out. We move out.

Well, we do it. We move out. We jump to the end. We pack our bags. We pack. Take a shower. First, we make sure. First, we wake up.

We don't need every step. No, first we wake up. We wake up. Eat breakfast. Eat breakfast. I'm always hungry. We both wake up hungry every day. And now we're brother and sister, which, of course, we haven't gotten out yet.

So we're very similar in our eating habits. Now, because when we were born in the room... I think everyone eats first thing in the morning, as far as... Well, we had the same mom. That's right. We come out starving. The first thing that we were born, we both wanted the tit. That's right.

There were two. Did one of you get left one and one of you get right one? No. I got left in the dust. You've been using that tit a lot. And I got it. Your whole life, haven't you? And I got it right in there.

You got me. You've been using that, right? She got me. That's not the first time you've uncorked that one. It's not the first time I've done any of this. It's true. We've said all of this before. You guys are reading this off a script, I don't understand.

Yes, we are. Yes, and thank you for saying your lines. We're five people, and we have a difficult time with strangers. Yeah. And we're both visual learners. Visual learners. Got to see it written there. Flash cards.

Flash cards are great. Yeah. Do you provide a service when people stay with you as a hotel would? Yes, we do. Turn down, turn up. So you turn down service. Turn down the TV, turn up the sheets. That's right.

So you turn the TV all the way down? Yes. When people say we need turn down service. We'll do what you want. We'll ask turn down for what? And then they have to be very specific. Is that how that song started? Oh, you don't know about that song.

Actually, I made a song about it. Oh, okay. It goes like this. You made a song? I was waiting to debut it at the show. That you're a debut in front of me is a surprise. Yeah, you love surprises. This is a debut of a song.

You know what, the spit is flying in this room. It really is. No one can see. A lot of people don't know this. We're almost 10 years into the show, and I've been spat upon so much. I need a salad guard of something. We both just got braces. You'll have to forgive us.

Well, yeah, so you have to understand. I actually, what I would got is this guard at the base of my teeth that blocks my tongue from going forward. Very difficult to talk about. I just got some old-fashioned metal braces, like from a museum. They have leather bands. Wow. So let's hear this song to debut.

I guess it goes like this. Turn down for what? I haven't figured out the rest yet. Oh, wait, that's the end. That's the beginning and the end. Yes. All right, well. I think you got a good start there, though.

Well, thank you. This is why you're very supportive, and this is why our family works so well together. Exactly. And why we decided to live together in the first place. Yes. You know, we moved out some. Have you ever lived apart, or did you move back in with each other? I moved out at one point.

Right. You stayed home with Mommy. Yes, I did. I stayed home with Mommy for several years. Is Mommy still around? Mommy passed. Mommy's passed, Conan. Mommy passed, Conan.

Mommy passed, Conan. That doesn't always necessarily mean that she's dead. That's true. I mean, people use that. In an entertainment context. I've been, yeah, past can also mean career on the wane. You know what I mean? A lot of people question, you know, who's past.

Oh, exactly. Is she's career, you know, but is she dead? Well, yes, she has passed. She has passed, but her career did die first. It's founder. Was she an entertainer? Absolutely. She was a magician.

Absolutely was. She was a stage magician. She was a stage magician. Yes. She never took it to television. No, no, no. The TV wasn't invented. Oh, this was before the 30s or so?

Yes. Yes, our ages. Okay. We won't be offended. I would imagine. We've heard it all. We've heard it all. We've heard it all.

From one to a million. I would imagine you must be around 80 or so. Yeah. What do you think? I think you're getting warmer. Uh-oh. When they walked in, I have to say, Scott, when they first walked in, I thought, I almost stood and said, thank you for your service in the Korean War.

To them both. And then I thought that might be presumptuous. Presumptuous or like saying to a woman, oh, a baby's on the way. Sure. You'd be shocked. One of the most insulting things you could do. If you'd said thank you for your service in the Korean War, I would have thought my son walked in here.

If you said thank you for being pregnant and I'm 85, I'd think, nope, that's just my hard belly. Oh. So you're not pregnant. I wasn't going to say that. No, Scott. No, that's just my hard old lady belly. She only had a rock hard belly.

Rock hard distended. Is it okay if I feel it? Yeah. I mean, I'm asking. I just want to make sure everyone knows that I'm... Feel it? Not going. Oh my God.

That is... See? That is, well, that was a very fake sound. But yeah, that's exactly how it... The way it sounded is just how it felt. And it opens right up and I keep stuff inside. Oh my... Look at that.

There's some sort of trap door in there. Crazy. Like a marsupial's pouch. Yep. Yep. You want to see? What do I got this time? Oh, can I get?

Yeah. Alarm clock. Nope. Polly Pockets. What is it? Polly Pockets. Polly Pockets, what is Polly Pockets? It's an old toy from the 90s where you'd open up a little shell and she'd be inside there.

So you're very old but you refer to something from the 90s as being old. Yeah. Can I turn it over to you, lawyer? Thank you. Well, it's one of those really old toys from the late 90s. When I was 70. Our mother forbade us to have toys until we were in our 50s. Oh, see, okay.

And why do we have fun? Oh, but we finally got those toys. Oh, we finally got to play with a little hoop and a stick. Some around 1988, you finally got to play with toys. Ball and Jack. Strawberry Shortcake. Jack. Cabbage Patch Kids.

Yep. Alarm clock. Flume. Phomo. Why are you here? Yeah. Okay, so you did like that interview question. Well, I thought in a way it was refreshing because it's like he opened a window and just

this gust of air came in. Why are you here? You're two hoteliers. Speaking of opening a window. We're here to tell you we're opening up our house for services. That's right, which includes windows. Doors, windows. That's a pretty good segue.

And you will leave. Where do you go when you leave the house? That's the only question. Let's say I check in and where do you guys go? We evacuate. Well, you have. We evacuate. We evacuate our bowels.

Okay, your bowels. Then we do that first. I take a big dump. Not to be confused with my name. And then we leave. We leave. So you leave them with a dump. No, I flush the toilet.

Of course he's in the toilet. We flush the toilet for each other. Of course we do. But the general environment is such that a dump has recently been evacuated. You can say that about any place. Yeah, everywhere you go is probably right. I guess so. So we evacuate.

Of course we have to stay on the premises, though, because in case anything goes wrong. Where do you stay? You stay on the premises in a guest house? Yes, exactly. You have complete freedom in the house. You have privacy in your own entrance. That's right. You have your own, and you have your own bed.

You have your own front door, your own back door. And if you don't look out the back door, you won't see us. Are you right outside the back door? No, it's connected to the door, and it's actually a room in the house. So it's an adjoining room. Yes. So it's not detached. But there's a glass door in the kitchen.

You can see right into it. It's separated. If it leads into, I'm sorry, but if it leads into another room, it's technically not the back door. It's a door that leads into, I'm sorry, but that's just the truth. No, no, no, I understand. No, you're the lawyer. People get confused about this a lot. They get confused about who's the lawyer and who isn't.

What it is, is there's a very thin strip of backyard. It's a very thin strip. Perfect graph. How thin? Like a Brazilian wax? Brazilian wax on a pussy. Yeah, it's exactly the same. Hold on.

You said it first. Hold on, Scatricia. I didn't want to say that. You said it. He said Brazilian wax, but he didn't say pussy. You said pussy. Okay, I would not, bro. Brazilian wax.

Yeah, it's as thin as an eyebrow. Scat, I'm sorry, but for a 92-year-old woman, I find some of your language offensive. Well, I've been on this earth long enough. I can do whatever I want. I feel like you're on the right. She is our elder. Use some salty language. Look, you want to say anything bad?

I'm open for it. Wow, you're sort of coming on to me. That's the vibe I'm getting, Scat. Hey, take it away as you will. My brother here likes to interpret everything I do as coming on. Not to him, of course. Never to me. But he thinks I'm a big flirt.

You are a big flirt. You know the chore. No, I'm not. You've never been married? Well, no, I haven't. I've been married for 35 years. And he still is, sir. It's not beautiful.

Yeah, well, I assumed when he said that he didn't just get divorced. Where does she live? She lives in her home. She lives in her home. Yes. And you two, you live with your sister. Well, of course I do. Okay, but you've been married.

You have to braid my hair, obviously. Have you ever consummated the marriage? Happily married. Have you consummated the marriage? You mean fuck? Okay, if you're going to... Say it plainly, Colin. I thought I was talking to Scat for a second.

Look, we're folks. We've been on this earth a long time. When you say consummate, you mean fuck. That's right. You don't have time to mince words. No, no time. It's like a great comedian once said, you know, if you say the word consummate,

that just makes me think the word fuck. So why don't you just say the word fuck? Who's at the bells? Louis C.K. No, that was Bob Newhart. Oh, I'm so sorry. You mean Louis C.K. fans? Love his early stuff.

Not so much recently? No, yeah. Number seven. Ah, good clips. Good clips to us all. Good clips to all of you. And to all a good clip. And good clips to you too.

And to all your family too. And God bless you and have you around. I still remember my, I think I was the baritone in our four-person acapella group that would wander the Sacramento Mall and sing dressed in, of course, Dickensian garb. Of course. I as notorious power bottom,

Ebenezer Scrooge. But I still remember my baritone parts of all of those songs. I think we had a repertoire of probably 15 songs that we would wander around doing. And I still remember. And God bless you and have you a happy new year. Which is the baritone harmony.

I talked about this on another podcast. We got this with my friends. Well, where do you hear? You won't be upset. With our friends Hal Lublin and Mark Agliardi. They have a podcast called We Got This where they settle, they try to determine, you know, the, you know,

settle arguments to determine the best of this, that and the other thing. Right. And so we were doing an episode about the best, the best songs for Christmas caroling. Not the best Christmas carol, but the best song for Christmas caroling. Right.

Not the best Christmas carol. Yes. Not the best person who played notorious power bottom Ebenezer Scrooge. That's right. Not the best part of the movie carol that came out around Christmas time. Right.

No. Definitely not. And I was reminded of when I was in high school and we did the, was it, I think it was Annie get your gun. Annie get your gun. That's right. Just squeeze musical.

You have to squeeze juice. There's a song. There's a song in it called, I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night. I don't know that one. I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night. And so we, I was, my character was in the chorus for that.

It's a whole big group number. And periodically I remember out of nowhere that we had to sing at one point, sun morning and moon night. That's all I remember. Sun morning and moon night. But the great Natalie Walker, who is a terrific actress and

she's been on New York with her recently. I did. That's right. Did you sing Shallow with her? She sang Shallow together. Yes. She posted a video either last Christmas or a couple of Christmases ago.

Last Christmas. She posted a video. That's right. She sang just the alto part to her school's arrangement of that Mariah Carey Christmas song. Right. Yes. Very recently, a bunch of kids did that on stage.

They did just that part. Just the alto part? Yes. Of the song. Yes. And I. I love that. I think we did that on what I did for love,

maybe the chorus line when I was in choir. I think it was like, love is never gone as we travel on. That's beautiful. It really is. I don't even need to hear the rest of the song. Did you, when you were in choir, did you, I mean, this is how you drum those melodies into you is

you work with a piano player and they plunk out just your part and you have to memorize just your part. Okay. I've, for years, and I still, because I still work with Evan Schlatter and, and try, in order for me to learn harmony, I have to listen to it over and over and over again. Like I'm, like I'm being brainwashed in a cult.

Right. Yes. I have to, there's no other way. I don't pick up on them quickly. Right. And so Evan will like sometimes try to give me a note if we're rehearsing or something. It's like, that doesn't, that doesn't help me at all.

Right. But it's, yeah. A pitch pipe sort of works for me. It is interesting though, because if you hear it along with everyone else's part, it's very difficult to learn. Yeah. So you just have to hear it.

It's isolated. Like it's the melody of the song. You gotta keep them separated. Hey, hey. Oh, give it to me, baby. All right, all right. We're going to be counting down the top offspring songs. I think we just did.

Numbers one and two with a bullet or with respective bullets. All right. We need to close this out. It's getting to be lunchtime for us. And it's the end of the episode for the rest of you. It's pretty fly for a white guy. We are going to have two episodes next week where we count down the top six on Monday.

We will be counting down six, five and four. And then on Thursday, the following Thursday, three, two and one. Contact. What could they be? Contact. Do you want to tell me right now? The feeling.

You don't know. I keep the secret. It's the motion. You think I didn't hack into your fucking phone, bro? Whoa. Yeah. I'm a phone hacker, bro. Are you jacking into the mainframe?

I'm jacking into the mainframe. Johnny Mnemonic? Yeah. Straight face. All right. We got to go. But we will see you on Monday, New Year's Eve for the rest or for the continuing part of our countdown.

Part three from Paul F. Tompkins and myself. We. Baby, it's just too early in the game. Oh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same. What are you doing? New Year's. New Year's.

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