Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2019 Pt.2

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

Happy Holidays (and Boxing Day) from Comedy Bang! Bang! Join Scott and Paul F. Tompkins as they countdown numbers eleven through ninth of the Best CBB episodes of 2019 as well as the number one LIVE episode as voted by YOU listeners. Tune in next week for Part 3! This episode is brought to you by Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order.

Tickle me Bobbo's and call me Marie, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Commander Ostego. Commander Ostego. Congrats on your promotion. I feel like people are now shooting to be an Alamone Tony character by you. Not gonna do it. Commander Ostego, try again. Sorry Commander Ostego.

Alamone Tony is something we may be talking about later. Maybe not, who knows? Who knows? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Part 2. I'm gonna take you to Part 2. Won't you take me, what? That is a big audio dynamite reference that I believe you ask about every year when I do it every year.

Yeah. This is Part 2. Another tradition. Yes, Kevin is showing me three fingers up. I believe trying to communicate that it is Part 2 to me. No, he's just mistaken. It is Part 2. Why would you think it's Part 3?

I don't want to hear you on mic. He's just mistaken. But this is Part 2. He's just mistaken. Episode 2, as they call it. Part 2 of 4. We are counting down your Top 15 plus 1 live episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. And on this episode, we are going to be hearing your choices for the 11th, the 10th, the 9th and the live episode.

So, shut up and take your medicine. Yeah. This is it. Kevin, are you embarrassed that you got it wrong? Or were you trying to communicate something different? He's proud that he got it wrong. All right. He's just saying, oh, just move on.

He's like puffing out his chest. Like, yeah, I got it wrong. He loves it. Weird. He loves it. What a weirdo. He's like strutting around like a peacock now. He's high stepping.

Look at him. Murder up. Murder up. He's off stepping. He's hot stepping. Hot stepping. Welcome to the show. My name is Scott Ackerman and I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang.

I'm Paul Tompkins and I'm the guest of Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, sir. You are. And we do this every year. This is the 11th time we've done it. The show has been going on for 10 years and seven months at this point. Weird. Weird stuff.

Weird stuff. That is weird. Wild stuff. What a life we have lived together. It's true. It's true. And separately ain't nothing to sneeze at. No.

I think I almost think that the lives we've lived separately are even better than the life we've lived together. Probably. Yeah. Because most of the life we've lived together has been in this room. Yeah. We've been, Scott, by this point we've been in so many different. Kevin is gesticulating so wildly at this moment.

Stop it. He's like going, he's like doing this. What is, what's going on? I don't know what is going on. I don't want to know. Ryan is cracking up. I don't even want to know and yet they're, they're moving around. They're like laughing themselves silly at this point.

I don't know. I don't know what's happening. They're treating us like Hollywood Handbook treats them. I don't like it. I don't know that reference because I don't listen to Hollywood Handbook. You should. It's fun. No, thank you.

The boys. Those men. Welcome to the show Comedy Bang Bang. This is episode two or four. If you did not hear the previous best of episode, let me just break down a little bit of what you're going to hear. Comedy Bang Bang is a show, a comedy show where I hosted every week and I have comedians on and actors and people promoting things, musicians.

They play themselves or they are interviewed as themselves and they are themselves during the show. I also have comedians who are on as fake people or sometimes they're real people, but they're not the people that they say they are. Does that make sense? No. Break it down. So let me use the Werner Herzog analogy again as I did in the previous episode.

Paul F. here sometimes plays Werner Herzog on the show who's a real person, but it is not Werner Herzog. It is Paul F. Tompkins playing Werner Herzog. That's tricked you. You are also a leprechaun, are you not? Yeah. I know that's reductive. They love playing tricks.

We love playing tricks. That's leprechaun's whole things. Playing tricks. Playing tricks. Don't throw shoes at me, then I have to repair them. What a strange bit of folklore. Yeah. Well, how does, what twisted mind comes up with something like that?

It's always, I feel like legends like that always come out of somebody who doesn't want to do something. Yeah, like I don't want to fucking repair these shoes. Hey. Just wait for leprechauns to come along and throw them at them. They have to do it. Really? Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. That's weird. Okay. So I'll just take my shoes. Well, I wanted to use them tomorrow if that was, but I'll just, so I'll just see a leprechaun. Hopefully tonight. You might.

Probably. Throw it at him. Yeah. And if he doesn't repair them, you get his gold. Well, that's cool. That's a pretty good deal. You have to find it. Where?

Wherever he's hidden it. Where does he usually hide it? Someplace tricky. Huh. Huh. Huh. Hoola lah, sex. I imagine like a fancy handwritten font.

Oh yeah. Hoola lah, sex. I think hoola lah is very fancy script and then sex is like 70s sort of. Yeah. You know, like. Now we're designing the shirts. I love it. Yeah.

Makes it easier. Get a little off the top and design feet. Yeah. Um, this, what we're doing here today. Oh yeah, I described the show. So that's the show essentially. We're going to be hearing clips from the shows where comedians are playing these fake people. And we have a good time and we do this every year and you have a good time listening to it.

Yeah, so shut up. So stop bothering us. I hate this battle that we go through every year. And now Kevin by the way is like sipping from his mug like he's baby Yoda over here. He's doing it two handed. He's baby Yoda over here. Like a baby Yoda over here. But that's the thing.

He's stealing focus so much. He's like lifting it up. Like he's lifting baby Simba and the lion king above his head or something. Um, did you know I'm a year older than baby Yoda? When they're talking about like boy, he's so old to be that young. They say baby Yoda is 50 years old. Yeah. I'm like baby Yoda.

You are a baby. I said you're the baby Yoda of the alternative comedy scene from the mid 90s through now. That's right. I have gigantic eyes and ears. I'm touching stuff in the ship. I'm not supposed to touch. You're not supposed to touch. You're wearing a robe.

A bathrobe. I would love to wear a bathrobe all the time. All the time. Yeah. Use the access baby. As easy as he once said. About bathrobes? Is that what you're talking about?

I think it was about sweatpants or something. I can't recall exactly what it was. So squalid. Easy access. So, um, Paul's taking a little drink and Scott was talking at the same time. So that dispels that rumor. It's true. I'm not doing the polytopics character.

That's right. And Scott is not a wooden dummy. Not at all. Not the least. A little bit. No wood anywhere near my body. None of your bodies made of wood? No.

I'm allergic to wood. All wood. All wood. Yes. Trees. I know what you're saying. Like trees? Yeah, trees.

Cause there's trees. That's where wood comes from. There's trees in the city. Yeah. Trees in the city. Yeah. Two. Which character are you?

I'm a Samantha. I'm a Maple. So, essentially what happens on these episodes is this. Paul and I descend into madness doing it over several hours on one day. Yeah. Yeah. So, these come out on four separate days over the course of two weeks. But what we are recording takes place in one long ass recording session.

And so, by the end of it, by episode four, we don't make any sense. Neither do you. Yeah, neither do you, listener. So, fuck you. You don't make any sense either. Yeah. Why should we? If you're not going to make any sense.

You can't expect to bust our asses. Why should we bust our asses to make sense? Stop making sense. Dollars and sense, my dear boy. Cha-ching for these t-shirts. The original title of that film. Yep. All the t-shirts.

Oolala sex. Oolala sex. That's going to be a big seller. Oolala sex. I think it is. And the four billies. That actually is one that I think. I make an amendment to the four billies.

The Noah's Ark panel should have like a circle as if indicating that's the goats. Just circles the goats. In like red. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, we are talking about this. We are talking about.

We knew we would get to Cosby. We're doing the top 15 this year as well as one live episode. We had a separate poll for the live episodes, which we've done maybe 12 of or 15 somewhere in that range. 12. 12. How do you know? I missed the first part of your sentence.

You're just saying 12. I was talking about disciples. Yeah. Of our Lord. Yeah. Yeah. We've done 12. We've done 12.

We counted him down. Number one with a bullet, Judas. No. That's surprising. Come on. Peter is number one. The rock upon which Jesus built his church. Certainly.

But he denied Jesus three times. Yeah. How can he get number one? None of the disciples are perfect. Well, Judas is the most famous, so he gets number one. I think he should be 12. I think he's the least disciple-y because of the trail. Because of the whole silver thing.

Thirty pieces of it. Thirty pieces of it. I wish I could make him number 30 for all of those silver pieces. Yeah. Number 30 and then number 11, Thomas, the doubting disciple. Who are the mid tier disciples? I don't even remember some of Luke. Luke.

What did Luke ever do? I can't remember who the 12 apostles are now. Because the authors of the Gospels. Yeah. I don't know if they're all apostles. Right. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John. I don't think John was a disciple.

Don't look at it. Get away. They run. Yeah. St. John to the divine. I don't believe so. I don't believe so. Anyway, it's been way too long since we've been in a church.

Yeah, man. It's been a while. Let's go to church tomorrow. Do you know what? I loved Midnight Mass when I was a kid. Yeah. Loved it. You live-tweet Midnight Mass on Christmas, do you not?

I do sometimes. Christmas just happened yesterday. So, Merry Christmas Boxing Day to you. Merry Boxing Day to everyone. Occasionally, these episodes land upon Christmas or Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. This year, they do not. This is the 26th.

This is Boxing Day. It is Boxing Day. Yes. Did everyone get a box? You're just talking about Christmas. Yeah. Get that box instead of get that bag. I want that box.

I want that box. What's in that box? What's in that box? What's in the box? That's what I do every Christmas present I open. First I hold up paper. What's in the box? Then I open it up and I say, oh, this was in the box.

Thank you. Gloves. I start with gloves. How many gloves do you own? Three. If I could ever find that fourth one? Oh, man. I have a few pairs of gloves for a person who lives in Los Angeles.

Yeah. I can only find occasion to use them if I ever travel outside of town. Exactly. Have you ever worn a glove here in Los Angeles for any reason? For the stage, of course. For the stage, oh yes. Saying the role of the glove man. Yes, I am the glove man.

Hear me, hear my words. My hands, are they not warm? My phone, can I not use it? But in your personal life, I don't... You're a person who would wear gloves and I don't know that you ever... It just never gets that cold here. It never does, doesn't it? When I wore it when we were in New York, it was very cold.

I wore gloves there. Yes. That's usually when I will buy a glove. I'll find myself in a... Last year around this time, I was in Tokyo and it was very, very cold and I was like, oh, shit, I need gloves. And then I'll have to find a store that has them somewhere. See, we have a banker's box with all our winter accessories.

Oh, and your phone. That, no. That's a safety deposit box. Oh, okay. What's a banker's box? When you get fired, it's this box you put all your stuff in. Banker's box is like a pre-made file boxes and we have scarves and hats and gloves in there.

Scarves and hats and gloves. Fun. It is fun. It's a fun box. But you hardly ever get that box down because... It's a fun box. It's a fun box. I don't even wear a scarf usually.

I should wear more scarves. I will wear it. Scarve is a good thing to have here because it can get cold. It can get a bit chilly. And you got to protect your neck. Yep. Wootang. But the only problem with weather in Los Angeles, and I hope we're making everyone jealous

and want to move here, is the fact that it starts off hot and then when it comes around to be time for a scarf, you haven't left the house with a scarf because it started out so hot. Am I making sense? Or have I stopped making sense? No, you have started making sense. Finally. It's true and you have to plan ahead because there are certain times of year where you

know desert, climate, it's going to drop down to get cold. How cold do you think it's going to be here tonight? One. Oh, an elephant walked in the room. All right. Do you want to get to it? Should we get to our first clip? Yeah, man.

I want to and we should. Let's get to it. This is your number 11. Number 1. 1. All right. Clip number 11. All right.

Clip number 11. Sit down. Sit down. Shut up and be played. Clip number 11. This is from episode number 500 and 89. 589 from March 4th. 589 episodes.

This is the one. It's the one that's called episode 589. This is an episode called Werewolf with All. Scary. Werewolf with All. This is scary. This is a frightening episode. This should be.

The title alone is giving me the chills of the grave. Joe chills. I'm going to drink your blood. I'm going to drink your blood. I'm going to marry your mama. Ocean's 11. Second Ocean's 11 reference since we've been going. In as many episodes.

Second Caesar Romero reference as well. This is an episode called. Did you play the Joker in Batman? He did. Do you like that? What if Adam West drank his blood? Drank Caesar Romero's blood. In heaven.

Now that they're both dead. Finally, I can drink your blood. What if you got up to heaven and they were like, look, I want to do this on earth, but finally I can drink your blood. There's no rules here. You can do whatever you want. Heaven's great. It's the opposite of hell.

Let me drink your fucking blood. There's just anarchy up there. There have to be rules in heaven. That's my heaven. There's got to be like some sort of, I mean, there's a caste system, certainly. What if do what thou wilt is the whole of the law. So just anyone's doing anything. That's right, man.

I don't know. Heaven sounds boring. Doesn't it? Like, I like, I like here. It's like, you go to bed and you wake up and you do a bunch of stuff. And then you go to bed again. It's like, it's, you know, I wish you'd said this before I wasted all my money on indulgences for you.

Oh, no. I went to Pope Francis and I said, I want to buy my friend Scott's way into heaven. You did? You went all the way to Vatican City? Yes. Take me down there. Take me down to a Vatican City. Vatican City where the popes are green and the popes are pretty.

I want to go. What about the two popes? What about the two popes? Hey, look at these two popes over here. The movie. The two popes. That's what it's called. The two popes, the movie.

I saw a poster for it where the one of the quotes from a review was an undeniable triumph. Wow. What a weird thing to say. Like if anyone denies me like Peter denied our Lord. Yeah. Talk about undeniable. Our Lord. Our Lord wasn't even undeniable.

Those guys knew it too. Because Peter did it. They're like, I'm pretty sure that it was you. That it was with Jesus. He's like, oh. To ask someone three times, you're basically like calling bullshit on him. Yeah. Like they knew the first time.

I'm going to ask you one more time. And give me a fucking straight answer here. Do you know this guy, Jesus? I don't know him. I only want to know what you have done. I went into Get 70. He went into the proper thing. I've been in that show.

I did probably 60 performances of that show. What did you play again? I played Anas both times. I was in two different productions. One in 1989, one in 1991. Which one, Anas is? Anas is one of the priests. Caiaphas is right-handed.

What do we do about Jesus of Nazareth? How do we handle the cup of the king? Great voices. Yeah. What's that? Great voices. Great voices. Good oldies.

The two of us? Yeah. No, I meant us. I meant us imitating them. Okay. So this is Werewolf With All. And the two performers other than myself who are on this episode are Pat Noswalt and Andy Daly.

There we go. Heavy hitchers. Heavy hitters. Now, Pat Noswalt comes by the show. He's been on the show many times. He comes by the show honest. He comes by the show honest. I believe the first pairing of these two people was early on.

I can't recall what episode it was, but Pat and Andy like to do it together a lot. Six. So they've been doing it for 10 years at this point together. And on this episode, Patton came by to promote AP Bio and it did not work because it got canceled. But it got picked up by somebody else. It got picked up again. Yes.

So, you know, stars out there come on the show and your show can get canceled. Great show, by the way. I really enjoy AP Bio. It's a great show. Great cast. Great writer, creator who's been on the show. Mike O'Brien has been on the show several times and a lot of good people over there. So Patton.

Not good enough to put us on the show. No, certainly not. Could be that good. I mean, I know I'm offer only, but how about one of those offers? So Patton is himself and Andy Daly is playing one of his oldest characters who's been on the show many times. Dalton Wilcox, poet laureate of the West. And the one thing that you have to know about this episode is previously Patton and I got

into some sort of a discussion regarding the movie series King Kong and all I remember from it is that we were discussing whether King Kong had done anything wrong. Whether or not he can be blamed. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. That's all I remember, but it comes up in this clip. So let's hear it. This is your episode number 11.

Number one. One. He is an author, primarily a poet. Please welcome back to the show. This is Dalton Wilcox. Welcome back. How's it going? Hello, gentlemen.

Hello. Hello, Dalton. It's great to be here. Hi. Nice to see you again. Well, for sure it is. I can't remember. Patton, have you ever met Dalton?

I think I did. We made the one time. I was on the show with him a long time ago. It was fascinating. Right. Okay. Yep. Well, I'm excited to be here.

And there's a hell of a lot going on with me. A hell of a lot going on to tell you guys all about. Okay. No. I mean, I'm anxious about it because I have a lot of stories. But they were just telling me outside, you guys was having a conversation regarding the subject of whether that King Kong had done anything wrong. Oh, that's right.

Now, for those of you who have not heard Dalton Wilcox, he is a poet. He is a cowboy. Cowboy. Cowboy poet of the... You're underselling my qualifications. Oh, sorry. Oh, do you want to... Flainwood-Leon and Seltingly.

Thank you, pardon. Well, I'm just merely working off of memory. Do you want to... Keep big in my pardon. I'll see if I give it to you. I am the poet laureate of the West. Wow! I have been referred to as that by myself.

By yourself. Yes. And sometimes others. I am the... But when they do it, it's usually he calls himself the poet laureate of the West. I've heard it in a context like that from time to time, or other things like he considers himself to be a poet laureate of the West. Well, it is ever saying, in my opinion, he is.

Has anyone offered that opinion yet? Has anyone offered the opinion that I am the poet laureate of the West? I've certainly heard the opinion that I believe I am, and that is a commonly expressed opinion. I am the most celebrated collector and chronicler of the wit and wisdom of the West that the world has ever seen, and that's a fact, and you can look that over in the World Book. That's right there in the World Book. I am also the author of... Cyclopedias, and maybe I've missed that World Book.

You don't know the World Book? Maybe not. No. It's got everything in it. Everything in the world. Well, they wouldn't call it the World Book. Well, let's... They put it in the World Book.

Are you talking about the internet? Yeah, well, they did put it on the computer. Is that what you're asking? Okay, I don't know what I'm asking. Because the World Book is on the computer. That's true. All right. It's on all of them.

CD-ROMs? You can get it on any kind of a ROM. But anyway, I have written... You know, I'm the author of the book, You Must Buy Your Wife, At Least As Much Jewelery As You Buy Your Horse, and Other Poems, and Observations, Humorous, and Otherwise, From a Life on the Range, as well as the follow-up book, You Still Have to Buy Your Wife, At Least As Much Jewelery, As You Buy Your Horse, and Even More Poems, and Additional Observations, Humorous, and Otherwise, From a Life Still Being Lived on the Range by Dalton Wilcox,

who wrote the first book, who also wrote the first book, excuse me. But then this is by Dalton Wilcox. By Dalton Wilcox. After the Dalton Wilcox. That's correct. By Dalton Wilcox, who also wrote the last book by Dalton Wilcox. By Dalton Wilcox. Okay.

Yeah. I know what you're talking about. So we, of course, we know these things about you. Yep. Yeah. And those books are available for pre-order... They're poems. ...on Amazon...

Hang on. Pre-order so they haven't come out yet? Or... I don't know what it means, but they're available for pre-order at B. Dalton's and at the Amazon books. All right. So you... I thought...

Yeah, I thought these copies had come out already. Well, they've been out a long time. Oh, okay. So they're available for pre-order. Well, as far as I'm concerned, you could still pre-order because you haven't gotten it yet. Do you understand me? Yeah. Okay.

You're right. Yeah, as a point. Pre-delivery order. Technically, that's pre-order. Yep. Okay. Yeah. And then, of course, you got to order it, too.

These are poems that you wrote about, about your life on your trusty steed traveling across the American West. They're not all about me on my horse, but they are mostly primarily due to take place in the American West. The real West, goddammit. Right. Not this bullshit West that we're in now, this goddamn Hollywood West. No.

And one thing that I wanted to mention, and this ties into what you wanted to bring up, is that a lot of your poems have to do with you encountering people along your various travels. Not hateful, my friend. I wish I was encountering people. Yes. Well, in my eyes, or at least at first glance, they appear to be people, and to you, you find them to be monsters such as vampires, wolf men.

I can't recall if you've ever wandered into meeting a Frankenstein. Certainly I have. Really? A Frank. Absolutely. One of my most famous poems. Made up of various body parts. One of my most famous poems is titled, I One Time Killed a Frankenstein.

Really? And I've encountered numerous Frankensteins. This gentleman is an unfortunate condition of my life that I am plagued by vampires, and also mummies, and oftentimes werewolves. And these, they tend to congregate in the Western part of the United States. Well, I'd reckon they're probably all over the place, but I, because I happen to be in the West and where I find them, I'm very, very, very vigilant about monsters. I always have my eye out for it.

Matter of fact, I killed a Cyclops today. I killed a Cyclops earlier today. Really? Here in Hollywood. Here in Hollywood. What were the circumstances regarding this? Yeah. Well, what do you mean?

It was a Cyclops. So it's the kind of circumstance you'd expect. So did the Cyclops come up to you? Did the Cyclops approach you at all? Well, I had called him. Here's what it is. Wait. Yeah.

I got a flat tire on my truck. Okay. Well, I don't know if you guys know anything about trucks, but it's just like you usually run on four wheels. Well, it's just like a car. I was going to say just like a car, except it's larger. You can keep things in there. That's a truck.

And we have them out in the real West. And anyways, I was driving my truck and I got a flat tire. And that'll happen because it's, I don't know. I don't even know if you gentlemen know anything about cars. Well, the tires tend to be inflated to a certain level. That's right. They're full of air. That's right.

I'm surprised you know that. They're made of rubber, these tires. Yeah. Sometimes, yeah. And from time to time, you'll get them, they'll go flat on you. And I called up a tow truck, come out. You don't have to explain those by the way, I know that you were about to, but we know all about those tow trucks.

You know what a tow truck is? We do. They also work with automobiles, so Patton and I are locked in on that. Yeah. All right. You're surprising me with your breath of knowledge. Anyway, guy comes out and I didn't even think anything of it at first, but he's got an iPad, John.

I didn't even think one thing of it. And he starts changing my tire and he did it. He put it up on the jack and all that stuff and he changed my tire. And then I said to him, well, thank you, friend. Have a good day. He tells me he wants 50 goddamn dollars. Surprisingly cheap for a tow truck. Yeah, that's a deal.

50. 50 dollars is cheap to you gentlemen. I don't know. Are you a AAA member? You don't understand. I had the spare tire on the truck. Sure. He's not providing the tire.

He's literally just providing the labor. Why didn't you do it yourself? What if you already had it? Yeah. If you're this cowboy, don't you know how to change a tire? Yeah. Listen, gentlemen, if it was a horse, I'd know how to change his shoe. But I'm not going to mess around with this goddamn by the side of the road here in Hollywood

with all you crazy drivers. So you needed someone's help. Bicycle, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you don't know how to change a tire. God damn it, I know how to do it. I sure as hell don't. You don't want to be bothered.

Not only do I know how to do it, but I stood over that son of a bitch's shoulder and I told him again and again how he's doing it wrong. Oh. And he was. I just for that I would want 50 dollars. Yeah, exactly. There's a number of ways. It's doing it too slow and sloppy.

How long was he there? Well, he took him like 15 minutes, I'd say. Anyhow, 50 goddamn dollars he wanted. I told him I'll give you five. Did you mean give him five like, like, you know? Well, that's what I was going to do. If he had agreed to the five dollars, I would have slapped him five and sent him on his way. But he didn't agree to it.

I thought for sure he's going to say, all right, that's fair. And I'd say put out your hand. I just gave you five. It was a deal. Yeah, but it didn't work. And that son of a bitch got real hot under the collar. He starts getting mad. And that's when I realized, God damn it, Dalton, why didn't you say it?

Son of a bitch has one eye. This is a goddamn Cyclops. The Cyclops. And how did you, how did you take care of the Cyclops? Well, I was concerned because I, I, I, I, there's no time to waste. Once you've gotten into a altercation of any kind with the Cyclops, it's just a matter of time before he's smashed a rock over your head. That's the Cyclops.

They don't have extra ordinary strength. Yeah, sure they do. They do. God damn Cyclops has built the pyramids. I don't know one thing about Cyclops. Well, I got, all I know is they have one eye and maybe they're taller than other. They've built the Acropolis of Cyclops. Well, hang on.

I need to, I'm sorry. He had an eye patch. Oh, yep. So he had to, a Cyclops just has the one eye in the forehead. Uh-huh, right. So it sounds like this guy had two eyes. Did the Cyclops mention having just taken a trip to the optometrist at all? Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, he said something about coming to an eye doctor, but that's, yeah, I think that's what I mean is optometrist. He said, excuse me, I'm just coming to an eye doctor, but I, and I just thought, I don't have time for small talk, change my time. You didn't have time? I had no time for small talk. Anyway, uh, you're, you're, you're positing that there was an eye under that patch.

Or they're you, what I'm saying is that it was a side, he would have just started with one eye and that's it. Right. And this guy sounds like he started with two. Well, do you think if someone loses an eye, they turn into a Cyclops? Is that? I don't think that. Fucking idiot.

But the extent of your ignorance about Cyclops is, well, he's been extremely ignorant. I apologize for Patton. Patton, I'm going to have to ask you to tell me down below. If you was a Cyclops and you didn't want people to know you was, I think a real good strategy would be to put an eye patch over the blank place on your head where an eye might plausibly be. Understood. Where a second eye might plausibly be.

It makes sense. I'm saying if I was to lift up that eye patch, there wouldn't be a goddamn eye under it. Could you lift up that eye patch? Well, now this is, here's the story. I could see that son of a bitch scanning around for a rock to smash over my head and I said, I don't have time to waste. You were okay with the rock being smashed over your head. You just didn't have time for it.

I don't have time to recover from a rock being smashed on my head. Take me an hour. An hour and a half at least. Anyways, I pulled my six guns and I fired a silver bullet right into his heart. Oh, wow. I dropped that Cyclops down and then I'm about, I'm about getting ready to get out of there, right? Sure.

Time to go. But I did think, well, let me just confirm my suspicions and I lifted up his eye patch and that son of a bitch had gone to the extent of carving a hole in his goddamn head and putting in there a fucked up look at eye. And I thought to myself, this son of a bitch, he's under deep cover as a human. Wow. Going the extra mile. Extra goddamn mile.

Wow. Incredible. Where was this? Was this over like on sunset and like over across the street over here? Because I heard a news story about someone with a gun. Oh, did you? Well, you know where I was. I was down at Garagolch.

Oh, of course. You're always at Garagolch. It's been a time whenever I come to this gun-pursacting city. Nice karaoke over there. It's the only place where I feel at home is Garagolch. Yeah. Well, I would imagine why. The Denny's there.

Yeah, the Denny's. Yeah, the Denny's. Lots of good folks over there at the Denny's. Oh, we got the Denny's, the Thristy's. Well, since they closed the Pioneer Chicken on Pico, there's really no, that's the last question. You got that right. Yeah.

You can see Morton Downey Jr.'s autograph in the sidewalk. You know, it's really weird how adults here, I just re-watched The Ballad of Buster Scruggs on Netflix. You must have loved that. I did. I cared for it. Yep, I liked it. You did?

You liked that? There were no monsters in that, as I recall. No. So, was that factually inaccurate or is that kind of how the West was? Well, no, that was, yeah, I mean, chances are, essentially, you say there was no monsters in that movie. You believe there were. I believe there were.

Where were you? I don't remember them. I don't remember me. You have to know to look for them. The fellow at the bank was a Tin Man. A Tin Man? What? Is that a type of monster?

That's a type of monster. Is that from Wizard of Oz? Tin Man was a monster? Yeah, the Tin Man was a goddamn monster. I just thought he sang and wanted to be in love. Well, this is a goddamn problem all the time with the movies, gets us back to King Kong. They are always constantly depicting monsters in movies in various favor of their lights and glamorizing the monster lifestyle, and that's a prime example.

I guess the Scarecrow would be terrifying if you actually met him. Trying to imagine it for a moment. You're walking down a brick road of any color, doesn't have to be yellow, but in your imagination you could make it that. And all of a sudden, a goddamn man hops off of a pole and he's full of straw. That's a goddamn monster. I wouldn't tell him, come with me, I'm going to the green city, I'd fucking burn him alive. Wizard of Oz would be very different where you just started, although I would like to

see that movie. I would love it if you landed in Munchkin. How would you, wow, your journey to Oz would be amazing. First of all, the Munchkins, just them, you'd take out your six shooters. You'd have to wipe out that whole village, right? Just genocide of the Munchkin people. Yeah, I wouldn't have wasted so much time getting around to killing that witch, neither. You seem very concerned about wasting time lately, since your last appearance.

Is something going on? I'm real busy, I've been busy these days, I've been real busy. So, no, but it's more like you don't want to get monsters to jump. Once you know there's a wicked witch hanging around, you know, you don't have, don't goof around. Who cares, who's on whose side, let's just kill them all and let God sort them out. Precisely. Once that wicked witch shows up, starts talking about my dog, I'm going to kill him. Do you have a dog?

Do you have any pets? No, I don't have a dog because the chances of a dog, you know, morphing into a vampire are strong. Right, or merging with some sort of satanic spirit and... Yeah, unfortunately, it just happens. I mean, it doesn't happen every time, but one in ten. What's the safest pet to own then? What's the pet that leads likely to turn into a monster then? To be honest with you, there is no, you cannot get rid of the risk.

Then a pet is going to shapeshift into a monster of any kind. You might think, because I had a collection of butterflies at one time and they all turned into monsters. I just, I had to tear off their wings one night. You ever think this has got me, this has led me to start thinking about Kujo, the satanic dog. Oh yeah. What about, do you ever think that your truck might be a monster, like Christine, you know? Oh, wait a minute. It's got a flat tire.

I think about it all the time and that's why I leave it locked up every night in a vault. I keep a truck in a vault. I keep a truck in a truck-sized vault, which I had to make space for. Is this like the Deal or No Deal vault? Or that the banker sits atop? I'm not familiar. Is that Howie Mandel? He's not the banker.

No, no. Howie Mandel, not the banker. No, no, no. Although, what a twist that would be if suddenly the very last episode of Deal or No Deal. He's been the banker all along. Wait a minute. Son of a bitch. That would be terrifying.

Yep. Let's get back to King Kong. What did you want to say about that? Hey, stolen goddamn woman! What do you mean he didn't do anything wrong? Son of a bitch stole a goddamn woman for whatever eight purposes he had in mind for her, which, by the way, we never did know. And I'm fine with that.

Kill him before we find out what he wants with this woman. You seem to have a sliding scale of morality, I would say. What do you mean by that? You're stealing the lives of various things that you... Monsters. I'm killing them. Making the world safe by slaying monsters. To him, this tiny woman could be a monster.

You're telling me, boy, you're taking the monster side in this one. Sure, maybe monsters do regard us as monsters, but it's our job to know we're not, and they are. Okay, I'm not a monster. I know you're looking at me with a side eye right now. Oh, man. Very suspiciously, you know I'm not a monster. You've been on this show several times. Yeah.

I think, you know, I have. I've met you a number of times. If you're a monster, your attack is slow. The slowest. I mean, you've been on this show now for ten years almost. Playing a very long game. I've been playing a long game, which I wouldn't... Trying to lure you into a false sense of complacency, perhaps.

Yep. But no, that's not me. I'm merely a human being. Have been ever since the day I came out of my... You know how babies are born? Mother's vagina. Well, it doesn't always go that way, but I understand that's how it works for you. Oh, yeah, I mean the stomach, yeah, sometimes, yeah.

Well, just to be safe, and no offense, I am going to bury a stake of wood in your heart today. Please don't. Not at the end of the... Wait till the end of the show at the very least, if you're good. Of course, I will. I'll wait till the end. One. One.

Oh, number eleven. How did you do it? E-O-Eleven. Third Ocean's Eleven reference. Paul and I saw that movie together. Yes, we did. The original. Which is why we keep referencing it.

The original. It's a strange movie. It is a boring movie. It is too... It's very boring. Plus hours. Yeah. And it's unlike the...

These are the Ocean's Eleven series that Steve directed. Steve. He did a good job of those. Those are all exciting, for the most part. And the original Ocean's Eleven is boring. Yeah. It's boring. It's a bunch of rich people hanging out together.

Barely trying. But there's no fun to be had in any of the heists, and they take a long time, and they don't do them simultaneously, they do them one at a time. It's also... A key part of the heist is based on the flimsiest idea of there being a standard of how long it takes to sing the song Old Lang Syne. I don't recall that, really. Yes.

While everyone is singing that song... Eight minutes and twenty-three seconds. Somebody asks, one of the characters says, how long does it take to sing the song? And then it has an answer. That it takes like one minute and forty seconds. Oh, one minute and forty seconds to sing Old Lang Syne. In one minute and forty seconds, they can do these parts of the heist. That is ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous. But check it out. Imagine if you were singing Happy Birthday, and you're like, we got to hurry. We only have this amount of time to sing it in. Doesn't make any sense. But Caesar Romero is very funny in it, and at a certain point says, I'm going to marry your mama, and then snaps while extending his fingers. Yes.

Which we all instantly tried to do. Trying to do after the show, and I've been trying to do it for twenty-some odd years now. It's very hard to do. How about if our old friend Dallas Reigns incorporated that into his... I wish! Dallas, we know you're listening, because you've been changing it up just for us. There's no other excuse!

There's no other explanation for why he's changing up. Maybe some people have snitch-tagged us talking to him or something, but... Don't snitch-tag, guys. No, snitch-tags get snitch-tags. Yeah. All right, that was episode eleven. We got to go to a break. When we come back, we are cracking the top ten.

This is exciting. We're going to see the TT. Oh my gosh. Here we go. Here we go to a commercial. How fun is this? Welcome back, Comedy Bang Bang, Best ofs. Welcome back, Best ofs.

Can I introduce you to a game? Sure. By the way, you took out the snowman over here. Yes. I thought you were going to introduce... I thought you were saying, can I introduce you to a friend of mine? Well, in a way. The office is decorated for the holidays.

With care. Well... Well, they hung the stockings with care. The stockings were hung with care. Everything else is just like in a pile. Yeah. It's out of the pile. It's just a pile of Christmas decorations.

We discovered this while recording the neighborhood. Listen, this snowman toy... New episodes coming out in 2020, I hope. That's correct. That's right. Well, season two in 2020. Great. You press this little snow hand, and then he sings, let it snow, and he swivels.

He turns around. Oh, okay. When he ends up looking at you... If he ends up looking at you... If he stops... Because he stops. Okay. So if he looks at me while...

While in motion... I think he turns four times. Okay. And then stops... I shall turn four times. I shall turn four times. I tell thee this. But when he looks at you, it's very satisfying and weirdly validating.

Okay. All right. So it's not a game. It's just something fun. It could be a drinking game. It could be. But we're not going to do that. We're adults.

I mean, we brought some Boone's Farm. Yeah, but to sip. Sure. We're not going to be drinking. To savor the taste. All right. Here we go. All right.

Here we go. All right. Oh. Oh. Oh. He's turning around in a circle. He's not looking at me. I'm looking at you.

Nope. And now he's going to turn again. And now he's looking at Kevin. Wow. And now... Oh, he's turning again. He's turning left. He's going to get dizzy.

He's looking at Ryan. Look at it, Ryan. Ryan waved. He gave his Ryan wave. Last one. Last one. Oh, nobody. Oh, nobody.

Nobody. He's not looking at nobody. Well, I... We'll play again later. We'll play again later. I want to feel that feeling. You too. I want to feel that feeling.

I'm not going to lie. I'm mad that he didn't look at me. I know. I'm furious. I'm furious at you, too. I don't blame you. Where are we? Oh, yeah.

We're doing the top 10. We're cracking the top 10. We're cracking the top 10. We're cracking the top 10. Here we go. Here we go. Let's get to it. This is your episode 10.

Number 10. All right. Episode 10. And... It can be said about this episode. Well, I'll tell you one thing. It is episode number 625. And it is very recent.

It is from October 28. So it's out of that curious clump. Mm-hmm. But just a couple months later. Just a couple months later. And this is an episode called Petite Modeling, Petite Modeling, which probably does not tell you what it should. I will say, we've had conversations about the titles of the episodes over the years.

And my theory was that certain episodes were not being voted for because people could not tell what they were from the title and the performers. So this year, I have been working with July, who does all of our descriptions, or at least most of them, and Great Guy. And we've been trying... July. Summer. The curious clump.

The curious clump. Yes. He played one of the clumps. The curious... The most curious one. The most curious. He played Mama. You know, Hercules, Hercules.

Hercules, Hercules. Hercules. We've been... We did this year to try to make the titles a little more descriptive of what people would remember from the episode. So for instance, the Chastman family, it probably... In the past, we called... We titled the episodes based on something someone said, like a bit of dialogue or something.

Fun. Fun. Which we did on Mr. Show. We did on Mr. Show. The episode titles would come from a line of dialogue. Yes, from a line of dialogue. For instance, on the previous episode, Bean Dip and Randy Snut's Return, that's what I said.

I believe the title originally was just That's What I Said, because that's what Tim says over and over. But we adjusted it to say, Bean Dip and Randy Snut's Return, so people would know what it was. Also, we put the descriptions on the poll this year, which was very helpful, I think, for... I bet it was. I bet it was.

So, but this one, Petit Modeling, when I say the title, at this point, I'd stopped caring about it and was not adjusting the titles. But this one, it's called Petit Modeling, I believe, because of one of the guests, Claudio Doherty, who, Claudio is a great comedian from Australia, who is very fun. She plays herself on the show, but she plays sort of an alternate version of herself, where every episode she comes on, she essentially, she started coming on Comedy Bang Bang, saying she'd won a contest to be on, and the more you dig into it, the more you find it's just her mother trying to get her out of the house, trying to get her sending her to the US, ostensibly

saying Claudio won a contest just to get her out of Australia so she can be alone. Which if that was happening in real life, that's sad. That's a sad thing, but here on the show, it's funny. I can't account for it. Here's what I like about comedy, is that it takes things that are sad, but then the thing that makes them funny is that they are so sad. Here's my equation. Comedy equals tragedy.

The end. Yes. So on this episode, Claudio, previous to the clip you're going to hear, Claudio came on talking about how she was on a go-see, which is a modeling term. She came on here talking about this. We talked about how she has become a petite model. Her mother got her into the petite modeling industry. This also has John Gabriel on the episode who plays Intern Geno.

Oh, he played Geno on this one? He played Geno on this one. And we're not really going to be hearing from John that much. That can't be true. Whenever John is on the show playing Geno, usually we start with him as Geno and he tells a little bit about his life. We're not going to be hearing that in the clip. Because also Ben Rogers was on this show, a really funny guy, but he won't be in the

clip because he's been introduced yet. His character has not been introduced yet. I get it now. This episode was voted for, I believe, because of Wil Hines. Now Wil Hines has been on the show for two years now, three years, a great addition to the roster. So funny. One of my favorite people to do the show with, always, just a master improviser has literally

written a book about improvising that you can read, great, great guy as well personally and so fun to do the show with him. And I just wanted to highlight him because I think a lot of times he, I don't know what it is, his episodes aren't flashy maybe or something. He's just like so solid and funny in them that a lot of times we don't talk about him in the best ofs. This episode certainly was voted for because of what he does in this episode. Now what happens in this episode?

Now hold on a second. Yeah. How do you know this? I just... You never talked about this before, but now all of a sudden this year you're saying here's why I think people voted for this. I've talked, I mean I've talked about it a little bit before. I don't know about this.

This is something's up with you. I have been going to the Midwest, going to diners, and talking to swing voters about why they voted for their episodes. So you're talking to real listeners? Yeah, real listeners. The real listeners in the heart of this great country. Yes. And you're like, when are you going to stop listening to the show?

I'm like, I don't know. I just like it. I mean, yeah, it's not, maybe the host doesn't act, you know, in a way that I think is all that great. And they don't know, they don't really hear the host when you ask these questions. I find that weird when people say, I've been listening to the show for three years and I just saw a picture of you and you're not what I imagined you to be. Google is out there.

Just look up a picture. Google is out there. If you were ever listening to a podcast, and maybe there are people like this, if you're ever listening to a podcast, wouldn't you look up a picture of the person you've been listening to? You know, I've, I thought that too, but then I realized I don't always do that. Yeah, I guess so. I don't always do that.

It's just sometimes it takes me a while to look up the person. I mean, when I was a kid and you would listen to radio DJs, I would always imagine they were the coolest guys in the world. Like they'd be wearing like a leather jacket and sunglasses radio DJs, absolutely disappointing looking. You look them up. They're always these gross slobs. Kevin and Bean, those guys here at the world's famous K-Rock here in Los Angeles.

Those are just like normal guys. But usually or striker, but I had the same thing. Striker looks cool when I was a kid. Striker, he's a K-Rock DJ. He's like one of those like kind of Orange County guys who actually is like a good looking guy, I think. Yeah, though, that's what I I got shadow Stevens. I prefer shadow very handsome father of actress from 21 Jump Street, I believe.

All right, Amber Stevens, I believe. OK, but I prefer it when they look when they are the slobs, though, because then you see like these good looking DJs and you're like, they're the snobs. Yeah, they're there. It's got to be slobs versus snobs. I'd rather be with the slobs than the slobs. Exactly. I know that's going to surprise people because I dress like a slob.

But I'm a slob at heart and in practice. Yeah, I'm disgusting. Why are we talking about DJs with their voices? I don't know because people don't know what you look like. Oh, people don't know what I look like. Yeah, anyway, I find this hilarious. Look me up. Will Hines is great. He here's what happened.

He he usually I would say he comes on the show with an idea. Will definitely comes on with an idea every time. Yeah, we played the Chastman family on our last episode, where you guys had no more than the idea of you were a family and you and you were going to find it in the moment. We almost did. Will comes on with an idea, but he is such a master improviser that he is willing to go wherever the idea takes him.

So or wherever somebody else forces it, someone forces it. So I remember a previous episode where he was talking about how he was, I think, a motorcyclist and he and he casually threw out that he does it on land and sea and we wondered why he did it on sea, which led him down a huge rabbit hole of going on cruise ships and riding a motorcycle around them. And that became the primary focus of his episode. Something similar happens here right off the top of the episode.

And we never got to his idea. So you can still use another time. He he came back as this character on the holiday episode last week. And I was talking to him and he's he loves doing this character now because we never get to his actual thing. So he came on as a physical therapist, which we never got to. So this is a very enjoyable clip. Let's hear it. This is your number 10.

Number 10. Please welcome to the show Stanley Chamberlain. Hello. So nice to be here. Thank you, Scott. Very nice to meet you. This is Claudia. She she won a contest, but not a contest to be on this show. Oh, OK, as she has previous. Oh, here's some water coming. Oh, gosh, thank you. Coming to you. Does Gina or intern?

Thank you. Oh, you're really doing it. Are you a medical doctor? Yes, that's right. I'm a physical therapist. I'm fully trained in all medical school. That's right. I went to I went twice. You went twice. Yes, meaning two days. You like it so much through it twice. I went through Johns Hopkins initially and it was hard.

So I went again through Southern Connecticut State University just to crush. Oh, OK. So wait, you went through it once and graduated, but then you wanted to do it and have a better time. Yeah, I wanted to I like doing things once I know what's coming. I'd like to ask a question. Then I would recognize that question and you can you know what's coming. OK, why is his name Johns? Oh, I think it was just more than one.

Is it like Ruth's Chris? No, I think it's like attorneys general. I think it was this more than one John, whose last names were Hopkins. So the judge. So it's much like Whoppers, Junior, where you pluralize the first word rather than Hopkins is the modifier of the multiple Johns. Got it. Is that the most boring answer I could have given to that?

Did it come up in your classes? Is that something every year at the initiation, they would go over the naming scheme and what Johns Hopkins meant. They would correct people if this were to this medical school. Initiation. Yeah, it was initiation. That sounds intense. I mean, just like orientation by a little.

No, it's not an orientation. It's an initiation. They bring you below ground. Oh, scary. Blindfold you. They blindfold you. This is why I wanted to do it over at a different university. I get it.

They blindfold you and everyone's acting. And you start to ask questions. You're like, what's this about? And they're like, shut up, shut up. You don't be dumb. Don't be dumb. There's a lot of pressure to not look dumb at Johns Hopkins. Oh, I bet, yeah.

And because it's incredibly competitive medicals. Oh, of course. Anyone who looks dumb, yeah. Great lacrosse program, too. Of course. And so you go underground, you're blindfolded, and you take all your clothes off. You feel as if getting beaten by what you assume are Oakleaf.

You take off the clothes. They say, take off your clothes. They don't strip you. No, you have to do it. You comply. You have to comply. I think it's. No underpants.

You have to take your underpants off. Dongs out. Dongs out. And you're being beaten with. Why do you assume they're Oakleafs? To me, it felt like Oakleafs. No, I thought you said Oakleafs. I thought you meant Oakleafs.

No, that's what I thought you said. What did you say? Oakleafs? Oh, Oakleafs. Whatever there's two things that I could have said, whatever the most boring one is, the one that I said. Oakleafs. Does that hurt?

Yeah, do that. I mean, what would hurt more? Oakleafs, I feel like would hurt more. They're hard plastic. Hard plastic. You get hit with those croquis. You know, those things that hold them on. If you're jet skiing, those things fucking hurt.

Is that no plastic bag? So you're down there and you don't know what's going on. You're 18 or sorry, 21 years old and and you're terrified and you don't want to look stupid. You're like your imposter syndrome is big. So off come the clothes. Off come the clothes. Rather, you don't want to not fit in.

You'll assume that this will make sense. And maybe. You would rather people look at your tiny, tiny penis than to seem stupid. Yes, which I do have. Oh, shoot. I forgot I have that on my name tag. Tiny, tiny penis.

I do. I'm so worried about the size of my penis that I just like to get it out there. Yeah, I thought it was. I wondered, you know, what the arc light were on their name tag is their favorite movie. I wonder why you had tiny, tiny penis under your name. Well, as Tom Hopkins, you have to have your favorite organ.

Much like arc light. And yours is tiny, tiny penis. Yes, I like tiny, tiny penis. Did you have to describe it thusly or? Well, I don't like large penises. Nor do I like unremarkably sized ones. Oh, so this is your favorite organ on anyone. That's right.

But you happen to have it, which is how I do it. Lucky. That's why you like it so much. There I am, underground. Is that even a scene? It's an initiation, Sarah. Wow, I'm hooked. So there I am.

I'm underground. There's a babbling brook somewhere. Where's deep underground? Inside. I'm sorry. You know how you can tell? I just have one more question. Sure.

Are your balls normal sized, or do they make? My balls are normal sized. So that makes the. Normal sized for a tiny, tiny penis. No, normal sized for a regular penis, big, relative to my tiny, tiny penis. So that makes, that throws the second time. Which makes them look even smaller.

Forced perspective. Okay, yeah. It's like, yeah, but part of the petite modeling. Yes, I understand that. It's sort of like I have a petite penis with regular sized testicles. So there I am. Cool.

There's a babbling brook and. So we've know we've walked very deep, because it's like we're not just in a room or a basement. We've got this earth. So is it cold or hot? Cold. Okay, so you haven't gotten towards the center of the earth. We haven't gotten that far yet.

Okay. But then. Did you ever get that far? Yeah, he says yes. We enter into an elevator, and they bring us down several miles. Wow. We come out into, now I never saw this,

but it felt like I was near a something very warm, I assume, magma. The core. The core could be. The core center of the earth. Yeah. And still I'm worried about, you know, I'm like, I hear people asking questions.

Are you hearing like a rustling of creatures that are down there with some sort of like. There's some sort of. Underground language? There was a society of worker race. You knew it was a society. Well, I can hear them having exchanging protocols. And like, I can hear sort of like.

So you knew there were laws and repercussions for breaking the laws? I heard a trial. One of the worker races must have like, somehow insulted another member of the worker race. And an impromptu trial, they spoke sort of a broken English. Oh, okay. It insults me, insults me, you did.

How can we miss? And the other was like, sad, no, unfair, unfair. Wow, okay. And I was like, what's going on? Did they learn the language? Did they ever talk about this? Did they learn the language from the top of the earth? I'm assuming they either learned it from us

or there's a common source that taught both of us. Okay, interesting. Yeah. Jesus. Could be Jesus. Could be Jesus. Could be Jesus. Could be.

I didn't rule him out. They never mentioned Jesus? He did not come up. He didn't come up. I mean, I had the blindfold on. I didn't interact with the worker race. Now you don't know, did they have religion or was maybe down there by the center of the earth,

religion isn't even a thing. They did have religion. They did have religion. They're Presbyterian. Oh, they are. Isn't that interesting? That is interesting. Did they go door to door evangelizing or?

I just heard them talking about there. I happen to be a Presbyterian. Do they have doors? I heard a door. Okay. So they were said. I heard a door open close. And an elevator door.

This is your first day of medical school. First day of Johns Hopkins. Your 21. I got dropped off by my dad because I was too scared to go on my own when I was 21 years old. Your dad moved you in the grad school. My dad moved me in the grad school.

So you didn't need a ride. That's cute. You could have driven yourself. I could have driven myself. But it was like, you know, he dropped me off at college. Do you hang your posters and stuff? Yeah, I put up my Reservoir Talks poster. What about your Farrah Fawcett?

I put up my Farrah Fawcett. Yeah, and I had a Jimi Hendrix. Oh, that's cool. But he's playing a band with John Lennon and Buddy Holly. Do you have the poster of the little Vietnamese girl running from the carnage? Yeah, I have that too. That's my huge Black and White poster.

Do you have a Blacklight poster? Was that the Jimi Hendrix one? Yeah, and I also had a Kiss Army. Oh, okay. With the Spirit of 76 one, where they're all dressed up like confederate. This is their in Central Park, and they're using their superpowers to save people.

Oh, okay, got it, got it. Anyway, there I am. But you're nowhere near there at this point. Nowhere near that. Like, that was hours ago. Those are your touchstones. That's what... I'm away from my comfort zone.

Your dad's gone. My dad is gone. Long gone. You're totally away from your home, but... Yes, yes. Thank you for appreciating this. Wow. It was so disorient.

Honestly, being naked was the least of my work. Sure, yeah. That was the least. Because who knows, you may be left there. Yeah, is this... Are you part of this new society that's... Or old society? Do I have to join the worker race?

However age it is. Does the worker race have clothes? They definitely had clothes because I heard them arguing about pleats. Oh, that makes sense. So I know they had khakis. No, that just came up. That was a side argument.

They're like, you're gonna wear that to be a lawyer? And he's like, I can wear what I want. I'm a lawyer. Okay. There's like, it's pleated, that's out of fashion. He's like, shut up, I know what I'm doing. Were you passing by these arguments, or these are just happening right next to me?

They seem to be walking along beside me. Oh, okay. So this is some sort of like walk and talk, like a sorghum. It's really hard to picture. Yeah, I think you're doing a great job. I can really visualize it. I keep imagining it's hot, but it's cold.

No, it's hot at this point. Now it's hot. It is hot. Okay, right. We're trying to draw it, but I'm still stuck on your penis. This is all I have so far is this little tiny penis. Yeah, okay, well, that's pretty close. You've many attempts, I see.

Yeah, the vein format works for you? There's too many veins. Okay, I'll just knock down the vascular. Now what you've done is sort of the Thanksgiving thing where you've done the outline of your palm. Yes, because I'm going to choose one of these five, depending on the size. I was assuming pinky for a pinky.

Yeah, okay. And just add some like apple-sized balls right there. Oh, you got it. So what happens? Apple-sized balls boots with the fur. She hit the flow. Yeah, we're hitting that bolo, baby. Oh yeah.

This is a reference I don't know. So now what happens? What happens? You're naked. So there we are. So you're hearing these conversations. Into a chamber and the doors thunders shut behind us and they take off the blindfolds.

Around me are all the same people I entered with, the incoming class of Johns Hopkins. Has anyone dropped off at this point? It was roughly the same size. You don't know the other people, so you don't know. I'm not filling with them. They look like most of us are there. I think in the future, if you're going to do a radio show

or a podcast, I would introduce myself as something besides a physical therapist. This is fucking, this is super interesting. This is not what I came to talk about. Yeah, no, we'll get to what you wanted to talk about. I'm just saying. This is fucking wild. You have a documentary made about you.

This is incidental. This is a side story. I've tried to tell people about this and they're like, we don't care. Get back to physical therapy. We really care about it on this show. Well, I love it. I've been wanting to talk about this for years.

OK, yeah, please. Spare us no detail. So there's the dean. OK. The dean of Johns Hopkins. The dean of the workers union. No, the dean of John the worker race. Worker race.

I don't think they have deans. OK, so maybe the provost sort of situation. OK, so you didn't know what to call him. It's your first day. Well, this, I don't know what his name is. And you still don't know. I still don't know because he's got to introduce himself. It might be Dean.

It could be Dean Dean. Yeah, it could be. It's not it could be Dean Jesus. It's not eliminated. Yeah, we have no idea at this point. He's grown antlers. He has grown antlers. He hasn't put them on or he's naked.

Maybe there's some really intricate. Special effects. Prosthetics or some sort of situation. Movie makeup. It looked real and his face was beat red and he was and he was naked with and there was all kinds of insignias drawn on him. Oh, how are you?

Runes. Pentagram runes. Yeah, it might have been a pentagram. It was sort of like an illustrated man situation where he was just decked out. Wow. Still head on his glasses. Oh, OK.

That's one thing that you can never really go without. You know, as scary as you are, if you have bad eyes, you have bad eyes. You got to be able to see. I see one of those movies like Halloween or something and Mike Myers is like wearing glasses because, you know, every serial killer in these movies has great eyesight. And they never go to the bathroom.

In H2O, he gets lasik. They shoot a laser at him thinking they're going to kill him. And then he's like, yeah, I can see it perfectly. I'm like, you talk and he's like, I always have, bitch. He's his bitch? That movie answered and created a lot of questions. Scariest one. Yeah, everyone's still pissed at Rob Zombie for that shit.

I liked it. So now he addresses us as the fallen. We're like, what? He can't mean us. We haven't done anything. From where have you fallen? Yeah, from grace, from our humanity. You're in a prestigious medical program.

Welcome the fallen. We're in some sort of cement room deep in the earth. Wow. Then he just starts going over academic prerequisites, as if none of this has happened. He's like, you're going to need four credits of anatomy. You're going to need four credits of biology. You still have to tip?

That's it. Well, they're hard. Credits at Johns Hopkins. Four credits of tough biology. Yeah, yeah, four credit. I mean, just one credit of Johns Hopkins biology is like six credits somewhere. Oh, I've been in National Community College for nine years,

so I get it. OK, yeah. You're a fellow academic, then you understand. So you have a fairly comprehensive sense of biology, then. Yeah, we went way over biology than anatomy, which I, you know. So you know a lot about it. But it's the fundamentals.

I know everything about it. Anything you could ask me, I'm ready to answer. What is the human body's largest organ? The skin. OK, there we go. There he knows it all. Sorry, boring to be right, but my ego took over. Boring to be correct on the trivia question.

I understand. Yeah, that's how I went. Where was I? You were, well, the credits. Oh, yeah, we're deep in a cement chamber, and he's beneath the earth, and it's warm. Beneath the earth. Oh, yes, deep in the earth.

And he's going over, and then he's saying, if you want to change roommates, you have to go to this particular office, and it's all just very dry information. Do you even know who your roommates are at this point? No, we haven't been given a room. I mean, I went to my room, but I haven't met the guy. Nothing's been assigned.

We don't know anything. Right. I don't know where that is. It's reasonable, though, that he'd tell you that. I guess that's the kind of information. Did he tell you where the cafeteria was? No. Really?

That's the, yeah. Then he says, OK, and he goes over some other information and passes out some forms we have to fill out. We have to fill out a sexual harassment form. Did you have to fill it out right then and there? Naked? Naked. On my knees.

I put the paper on my knees, and with duty to pass out. I know almost about whether or not you want to be sexually harassed. Yes, you had to put a yes or no. Yeah, an option. Did he pass out? I said no. Sure.

Yeah, that's cool. See, I would have been fucked, because I always just click accept, accept, accept, accept. So I would have been. You would have been harassed. Deep trouble, yeah. You would have been very harassed. Did he pass out pens?

No. Did everyone bring them? How did you do that? One of the worker, I did see one of the worker races. One of the worker race came by with a knife, pricked our pinky fingers, and we had to drip blood onto the forms to answer it. OK.

So what are the worker races? Which is actually easier to do. What's that? What did the worker race look like? Rabbits. They look like rabbits. But they talk tall rabbits. So like, tumnus looking?

No, tumnus is more of a sader, traditionally a half-man, half-goat. OK, right, yeah. I believe a rabbit is, that's called Harvey or... Sure, yeah. That's full rabbit. That's full rabbit. This is, yeah, they were like...

You never go full rabbit. Three and a half feet tall, walking. Instead of hopping, they were sort of comfortably walking on their hind legs. So they're walking on two legs, not on four. Two on not on four. Bipedal, if you know. To walk on four legs would break the law, is that right?

Down there, yes. If you walked on four legs, you'd be jailed. How'd you know that, Scott? Well, I've heard stories of this type of thing. What the hell, Scott? I mean, I walk on two legs all the time, right? You were asking him questions as if you didn't know what he was talking about, and now you suddenly know.

Well, I just, I would assume for a race like that to walk on four legs would be some sort of, it would be against the law and what happens when you break the law? Sounds like maybe you've gone down there. I've never, I mean, I've not been down that far, certainly. I mean... What's the farthest you've gone?

I mean, it was, you know, I mean, maybe a few kilometers. Wait, you don't always walk on your two legs. One time I was at your house, sitting in living room, and you came down the stairs upside down in a backbend. I did, that's unrelated. That's due to an exorcist type thing. Oh, okay, I knew that. Yeah, it's a totally different thing.

Continue with your story. So what happened? Well, then it gets weird. Then it gets weird. Yes, because so after we get all this information and we're properly initiated, he's like, all right. Now, as you know, you've entered into an extremely competitive program,

and not all of you are going to complete and graduate. Did he do the look to your left, look to your right? One of you was... I was waiting for that, and he didn't do it. Oh, that's a classic. I know. Did he do bottle of red, bottle of white? He did, he first sang all of scenes

from an Italian restaurant. All of it, that's a seven minute long song. Oh, shit. Thank God it's good. Yeah, that's true. And he was good singing it? He was great. Wow.

He actually didn't have such a strong voice as much as he committed. Okay, that's all you got. Which I feel like is all you want. Any backing track? It's pretty much the same for Billy. No, no backing track, it was acapella. That's a tough song to do acapella,

especially the... Oh, he hummed all that. He hummed it. He hummed like the clarinet solo too. Was he imitating different instruments? Can I just say that it's so interesting me that there's follow up questions on this part of the story on how he sang Seat Room in an Italian restaurant.

I mean, I've always wanted to say this part of the story, but I've never gone down this... There we are in front of a stag elemental. Sure. But okay, yes. What was your question? He did all the different instruments. He imitated the instruments.

So when he's... Not all of them, but he would do like the prominent ones, like... So that's the clarinet, but then when it goes... Was he doing the piano or was he doing the horn section? Initially he would do like... He's like strutting around doing these like lunges. He's strutting.

He's into it. Lunges. He's into it. Yeah. And it was a relief because things had been so alien and strange that to hear a familiar song was calming. Sure, yeah. And I was like, maybe this guy's not so bad.

Okay. Maybe this is gonna be actually fine. Yeah. Okay, but then it got weird. Then it got weird. He said, you know you're entering a competitive program. And if you are a weak character, if you are of minimal talent,

you will not be able to survive. You must fight your way back to the surface. Fight your way back to the surface. Handed each of us a machete. A machete? And... Fuck yeah. Whoa.

This owns. And then he said, and then he said, the elevator that returns to the surface is powered by these gems. And the gems will only work once. Okay. And there's only 10 of them.

And there were 20 of you? About 60 of us. 60? Oh God. So 50 did not make it out? That's right. Whoa. Incredible.

And you're one of the 10. Yeah. And then after you graduated, you were like, I should probably go to medical school. I'm gonna go to another medical school again because I don't want it to be like this. Right. I was in Connecticut State University the second time.

So did you take out five guys or did you eat it in the restaurant? Or Uber Eats? Yeah, took out five guys. I ordered from five guys. They had a telephone service down there. Five guys delivered. Okay.

We all talked each other. It took a long time. We were like, Five delivery guys? Five delivery guys. Yes. Down the elevator? Five guys delivered.

They already had gems. I guess the guys from Five Guys had their own gems. So they couldn't go up and down all the time. They could just go up and down like crazy. They're delivering all the time. Well, we all were like, we're about to murder each other. Let's have a last meal.

Oh, really? So you guys paused. We were like, let's be civil and have a last meal together. It was a gentleman's agreement of like, look, this is coming. Death is coming to five sixths of us. Yes.

So we ordered five guys and we all wrote letters to our loved ones that we agreed that whoever survived would deliver them. Did you keep that promise? I did and that's why I'm here today. What? Again, I would say, put that in your bio when you come on to show like-

No, I still haven't talked about physical therapy. Wait, to whom are you delivering this letter? One of us? Claudia. What? What? That's right. Wait, who died?

I murdered a fellow contest winner. But not my family member. No. Oh, okay, fine. Well, they seemed very, you meant a lot to them. This person in there wrote a letter to you. They wrote a letter to you

and you don't know who they are. This guy's name was Chet. He said he won a contest with you some time ago. His last name was, I'm trying to remember, Wellman. Chet Wellman? Yeah. Well, here's this letter. He said you have to promise

to get this to Claudia Doherty. Whoa, okay. So I'm giving this to you. Can you read it out my eyes to her? I can't read it. Oh, I can see that your eyes look very sore. Yeah. Dear Claudia, it's me, Chet.

That's right, Acorn Chet. I don't know what you put that even mean. Whoa. I don't know what he's talking about. Do you know Chet Wellman? I do, yeah. And you know what Acorn Chet is referring to? That's a private thing.

Here are my last moments. It's actually kind of an aggressive thing for him to call me. Oh, it is? Well, he calls himself Acorn Chet. The reference that is kind of aggressive. Oh, okay. It's very Chet.

He seemed very aggro. If it makes you feel any better, he was the first to go. So he's aggro, but he's still, all of that was... He had like a lot of like Chet, just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. All of that was good training. Oh, we killed some good. We killed some good.

Me, Chet, me, Chet. And then you just... Slop. Yep, little tiny dick to me, slashed him right off. Cause my small dick, everyone thought that I would be unmanly, but I was actually quite handy with that. Plus also, you got your equipment tight. You know, you don't have any hangers for people to chop off.

That's right. I'm not as vulnerable. Small dick is actually the highest form of evolution. Yeah, cause all the big dicks, they would get like, whacked with the machetes and then they're in... My dick! And then they're looking down. Oh no, my dick!

My dick! And then they're distracted. Everyone's so concerned about losing their dick in the machete battle, but you, you have no concern. You're not even flopping around. You're not even risking anything. Except for them apple-sized, not even disturbing. Yeah, those balls, I don't know.

But that's full of testosterone. How many women got out? The women all survived. Okay, good. But they joined the worker race. Oh! They survived by bargaining their way to entering the worker race.

Well, I would have... Typical chicks. Yeah, I know, yeah. I would imagine the worker race needs more to, you know, to be more productive, they need more children, more offspring. They have to breathe, they have to breathe. Can they breathe with human women if they're rabbits?

That was the plan. I didn't stick around long enough to find out. So you never went down there again? No. How did they find out? I understand they're not wanting to go back. Yeah, I get that, yeah. But could you finish this letter from Chet?

Continue the letter, because it looks lengthy. Yeah, it is. Long. Dear Claudia, it's me, Chet. Now this isn't, let's just talk for a second. This is an insane coincidence that... No, I knew she'd be here. You came on it.

Okay, okay. I didn't even know I would be here. Maybe your mother, this is why she said you were here today. It seems like it could be, do you know my, do you know my mother? Do you know my mother? Not well. It's a quote that wonderful children's book.

Oh, I guess it's are you my mother. Are you my mother? Yeah. Are you my mother? I'm not your mother. That should be the sequel, do you know my mother? What about the children? They should go down in stakes.

It's a good one. Are you my mother? I get it, you're not my mother. And then the third one should be, have you heard of my mother? Each one is more removed. Does anyone have a mother? Sorry.

Okay. I want to, ah, you. The plot is really thickening. Yeah, it truly is. As thick as the pages on this letter, because this is seven pages. Oh, wait, there are many. That's eight point aerial font.

This is so much. That's very small. So, chat here is like it's a, dear Claudia, it's me, Chet, Acorn, Chet. Here in my last moments, I find my thoughts traveling back to that day we spent together. Oh, God.

Only one day. Yeah. Thank you guys, some more water, do you know? Great. You're going to need it, because this is a long, long time. I wish this wasn't happening on a podcast. Dear Claudia, it's me, Chet.

Okay, you don't have to go backwards. It's good for me though, because I'm getting a lot, because I keep missing the first couple. It refreshes the memory. Here in my last moments, I find my thoughts going back to that day we spent together when we won that contest

to run that radio station. I guess you want to contest a runner radio station or something like that. Yes, we did. And you and I were co-DJs for two and a half hours. Co-DJ, couldn't you just say they're both DJs? You don't need to like split up the duties of a DJ. Scott, I have some respect for the dead. I mean,

Have some respect for the dead. The 18 flipper and the bird, they don't call themselves co-DJs, do they? Well, since they had probably both met that day and won a contest. We would just like show whatever you... So you just split up the duties. If you share a chair, it's co.

Oh, okay. That's true. The conversation we had changed my life. And I never have felt as strongly connected to someone as I did to you that day. Oh, gosh. And the friendship I felt with you was reassuring to me that human empathy is possible. And I've thought of you every day

and longed only to meet you again. And now that I see that my life may be ending, I wanted you to know that it is you I'm thinking of. And then it's just the first chapter of Great Expectations. The whole first chapter. Yeah. So can I have that?

I need a calendar. Yeah, what is it? Call me... No, that's a Moby Dick. What is the first line of Great Expectations? It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. No, let's tell it two cities.

Yeah. Tell it Two Cities is the title of a real book? Yeah, why? Yeah, why did you, what did you think it was? Cause I've been reading this magazine called Tale of Two Titties. And I didn't realize it was a magazine. Yeah, it's a magazine.

It's a period. I've been trying to get through it. It's dense. How is tales spelled? A-T-A-I-L. Right. Yeah. Let me see the letter.

Okay, yeah, yeah. So it goes on my father's family name being Perip and my Christian name Philip. My infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So I called myself Pip and came to be called Pip and it goes on. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You brought that down. Wow. Well, it sounds like he was just stalling from getting machete to death. And Claudia, I- Did he have a copy of Great Expectations? Yeah, he was copying it down. He was copying it down.

Pretending that it was a letter. I bet he did. I bet he almost done. Give me one more second. I bet he didn't even really know Claudia all that well and he was just like trying to stall. Well, yeah, we really only knew each other for that one afternoon.

I'm glad to hear that because I murdered this man. I murdered this man. You killed one guy or several? I shouldn't say. Oh, but go ahead though. I killed seven people. Seven people, so someone else only killed three.

That's right. Wow. Wow, or one person killed- Did it change your personality afterwards? No. How do you know though? Well, yeah, like I said, I don't know what I would have been. Yeah.

Did you feel a change once you took the life from someone? I certainly was not, I wasn't, a certain fear left me. To see the light go out in someone's eyes and realize that their soul is no longer inhabiting this earth, that must prepare you for the medical profession. I think so.

And when we took our Hippocratic oath, they have a different version of Johns Hopkins which is like carry on the legacy of those you murdered by helping others. By helping others. That's what brings you here today. Wow. To give me that letter, or to read it too.

Have you delivered the other six letters? Nope. I'm keeping an eye out for them just to show up on podcasts. Had been going to open mics, hoping they get into comedy and to seeing if they start doing that. Okay, there are better ways to find these people

than going on podcasts. Sort of scanning the show listing page at UCB to see if any of them are on Herald Knight. Okay, yeah, it's gonna take you a while. Number 10. There we go. You know what, Scott? You promised that it was gonna be very enjoyable

and you did not lie. I did not disappoint and neither did Wil Hines. Promises kept. That was great. I just love the idea that in the spur of the moment, after saying initiation rather than orientation, he was able to come up with all that detail.

It's really wonderful. So, Wil, here's looking at you, kid. Our tribute to Wil Hines. It's a shame. It's a shame what happened to him. We can't do jokes like that anymore because they've come true. I know.

But with the elderly. All right. Who's the youngest person we've killed by talking? I don't wanna say. All right. Let's go to a break. When we come back, we're getting into single digits. Single digits.

Singedage. All right. We'll be right back with more comedy bag bag. Yeah. Comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang. Hey, that's the new theme song. Hey, is it?

Nope. Oh. Too bad. So sad. I really gotta take it away from you. There we go. All right. Let's play the snowman game.

He's spinning around and he has landed on. Oh, so close. He's splitting the diff of Kevin and Paul. If someone had walked in the door, if someone had walked in the door, that would have been amazing if like, Nobody. Like Lenny and Squiggy came in and said, hello.

Right? I mean, the more people you have, the more exciting it is. He's so close. No, just over your shoulder. Boulder holder. Come on, look at me, look at me, look at me. No.

Back of the door. Wow. All right, we'll get maybe on the last episode. He'll look at one of us. Maybe. Well, this is this episode, not the last episode, so let's get to it. This is still part of the episode.

Let's crack the single digits. This is your episode nine. Number nine. All right, this is episode number 592 from March 18th. This was... Not quite in the Curious Club. Just no, but just two weeks after the Werewolf With All episode.

And this is an episode called The Peanuers. Oh, I know all about this. Ah, The Peanuers. Yes, yes, yes. All right, let me set the scene a little bit. The participants involved are Langston Kerman. This was his first time on the show. Now, Langston, Langston's a great comedian and an actor.

He's on Insecure. And I got to know him because we wrote on... Did I get to know him on the Oscars? Did I feel like, or did I get to know him before? I don't fucking know. I don't remember, but we did work on the Oscars together. And God, now I'm forgetting. I'm sure we talk about it in this episode, so.

I know. I'm talking to myself, Paul. What do you think I'm doing, asshole? You talking to yourself? Yes, just now. Great, we should talk to each other. Why do you think I would do that? Why does Paul do this?

But Langston's great. Langston's really funny, and I want to have him back more often because he, this is such a good episode, and I was listening to this clip the other day, and he's a natural fit for comedy bang bang, an inquisitive guy who asks all the right questions. Yes.

Follow the money. We also have Ego Wodim. That's right. And Ego is, she's currently an SNL cast member, featured cast member, and she's very funny, and she's been on the show for a couple of years now, and actually toured around with us this summer as well. Yes, it was so much fun.

Ego's hilarious. Hilarious and great to hang out with, and very nice. And she, on a previous episode, last year, I believe, she came on as a character called Entrez Pineur. And we have a lot of entrepreneurs on this show. It's kind of a running joke because a lot of characters come in with a bad idea of a business. And she came in literally as a character

called Entrez Pineur, who was pitching ideas that already existed. Yes, all of her inventions are basically things that she doesn't know the names of. Right. And I guess she doesn't know exist already. Yeah, but we talk about it at the beginning of this clip. But on that previous episode, I believe it ended

with us riffing around and joking that she had a brother called Appetizer Pineur, because her name was Entrez Pineur. And so we were like, okay, next time you come on, let's bring your brother. And she likes to work with, as previously mentioned, he was on, playing OJ on our last episode, Carl Tartt. Yes, they're good friends.

They're good friends. And they've worked together a lot. And so Carl was a natural fit to do this with her. And this was just pure fun. I enjoy doing episodes like this because from start to finish, I love talking to Langston, and then these guys are so hilarious and just like a fun hour and 15 minutes

that never lags and is just so fun. And so we're gonna hear a little bit first from Entrez and then Appetizer comes in. Let's hear it. This is your number nine. Number nine. Entrez, last time you were on the show, the ninth anniversary show, as I recall,

you pitched a lot of businesses to us. I remember one of them was like a rectangular motorized propulsion vehicle. Sure, sure. Two to even seven people could ride in one of them. Right, and there would be the oldest invention in the world, the wheel. Yes.

That the caveman banged out with his bone. Right. There would be approximately four of those on. Right, on the underbelly. On the, yeah. On the underbelly. Under carriage, yeah. Under carriage, underbelly.

On the taint of the car. On the gooch meat of the car. And then we all realized you were just pitching car and in fact, you called it a car just now so you know what a car is. I've never heard of it, never heard of it. I've never heard of it, never heard of it. I don't have a name for it just yet.

I've heard, I've talked to you called it a car. I don't have, I don't have a name for it just yet but when I was describing it to some colleagues they had used the word car so I thought that's not a bad name. It's a shirt and sweet to the point. That's not a bad name. I can say most of those three letter words

are already taken. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like find any combination of three words that usually means something already. It's true. Hat, box. Bat.

Bat, I mean all these. Can. They're all great words and they're things that we use all the time. And they're all taken. They're all taken. So if you're out there trying to come up with a new invention it's like, what do you got?

Right, right, well I do wanna talk to you about something I have also come up with because I'm interested in investors. So Langston if you're interested in investing. I am an investor. Langston is so rich that he doesn't even know if he joined the WGA. God, it's meaningless to me.

Yes. Those dudes, who cares, write a check, forget about it immediately. Disgusting. Listen, I, this is, now this, hear me out on this one. I'm always, we're all ears. We're all very excited. With a cubicle type building.

So a cube meaning equal on all sides, all eight sides? Or is it six sides? I guess it would be six sides. Six sides, a cubicle type. Six sides. Six sides. Three times. Yes, that's the Fuji's.

Three times. A cubicle type building where if you're not feeling well, you can go, there will be people there who can assist you in regaining health. Determine what it is that's wrong with you. And then give you the proper kind of treatment that you would need to be healthy again. Okay, I'm gonna stop you really briefly.

Now, hear me out. Oh, I'm not gonna stop you. Okay, go ahead. Just go on and stop me. White man's playing me. No, white man's playing at all. I'm merely. I know the fans love when I talk about race.

I'm just, I'm person-splaining, okay? Okay, yeah, just two people talking. Just, let me person-splain to you that everything you've described other than the cubicle nature of the building, which most buildings are not purely cubicle. Interesting. Sometimes they're more what you would call

a three-dimensional rectangle. But it sounds to me as if you're describing a hospital. Yeah, I was thinking that. I don't, okay, what is that? I haven't heard of it. It's a building normally not cubicle. Okay. I was saying a rhombus.

Okay. Could be a rhombus. What a rhombus. How'd that look? Thank you for asking. It's sort of like what you were describing, but at an angle. A little tilted, but more,

I think the more important part is that it's almost identical to what you described of a space where people go to get healthcare. Right. Yeah, the shape of the building normally doesn't matter, although I would say the bottom usually has to be flat. Flat, yeah. Yeah, usually it's so.

The thing I wanna do certainly has a flat bottom. I would say it has a flat bottom. And that's not thick. No, no, no, it's not thick, it's unfortunate. No, it's unfortunate. The bottom, yeah, the bottom of what I'm doing is unfortunate, but. Most buildings, they have a bottom side too.

So you're not falling to the center of the earth. And the building is gonna have a slim waist. Big boobs. Big titties up top. Big titties up top. Big boobs. It's gonna be a thick building. Don't understand.

It's gonna have to contain a lot of people. Okay. Because people are falling ill left and right. Right? Yeah, they are, yeah. Tell me if I'm wrong. Okay, again, try to tell me I'm wrong a lot with that. No, you have found a market.

Okay. Definitely, but it is a market that is primarily going to these places called hospitals. I've never heard of that. You've never been to one. How can I be to something I haven't heard of? Have you ever been sick before? Sure.

And what happens? What do you do? What's your process? Well, first, I look myself in the mirror. And I say. You look yourself in the mirror is the first step. I look myself in the mirror. Because laughter is the best medicine, good answer.

You understand? That's what I've been doing. And that's what they've been saying for ages. And I think what if medicine was the best medicine? That's what I'm trying to say. But what I do when I fall ill is I look myself in the mirror and I say, is this really happening? Why me?

And then. So you think that this may be like a simulation or something where it's not really happening and it's like the matrix where suddenly someone's gonna red pill you, by the way. I'd love to red pill you before we eat. Sure. What does it mean to red pill someone?

Well, it's taken on some poor connotations lately. But yeah, yeah. I actually didn't know. I was just, yes, sanding my way through them. Comedy bang, bang, more sexual than we expected. What is that? And we're gonna red pill you by the end of the show. Is that what happens?

You can look it up after the show, but. Okay, never heard of that. Never heard of, oh, okay. Well, don't let someone do it to you. Okay. But what were we talking about? Oh yeah, do you think it's like the matrix where you have a different body somewhere else

and it's not really happening? I've never seen the matrix. Oh really? I've never seen it. But I do wonder when I fall ill and I start to feel weak in the knees, I say to myself, is this real? Is it real?

Is it real? And how do you determine if it is or not? Well, then I touch the mirror and I say, okay, we're here. We're here, we're dealing with this. You're touching something in your physical proximity to it might be a dream, it might be. Right, right. So maybe, if the matrix is a dream,

maybe I thought I was in it, but I haven't seen it to say one way or the other. The matrix isn't real. I wouldn't call it a dream Langston, right? No, it's more of a digital. Mental digital stimulation. Although when you say digital stimulation, that also has some connotations that.

This show is very sexual. You are feeling sexy today, Scott. I'm a horny. This is a bit, well, speaking of ten of a horny, I'm a horny. Speaking of horny, speaking of horny. Yes. I have another invention.

I'd like, if y'all don't want to invest in the cube, like treatment center. Why is the cube part of it so integral to? Well, I'm learning new shapes now. You told me rectangle, you told me a rhombus. A rhombus, rhombus. Okay, understood. Rhombus is something that would clean up your hospital.

Okay, oh, okay. Well, I. She doesn't recognize as a name. I don't know what that is. You don't know what a rhombus is? What's your new invention? My new invention is for horny people. Okay.

Horny men. It's a, it's like a balloon. You've cut your market in half immediately. You said horny people and then horny men. Well, because it's particular. Okay. It's like a balloon. Okay.

You would put atop your little man to protect you from diseases. So you don't have to go to the cube. So I'm also kind of undercutting my own business. Yeah, like if you really wanted, and I think by the way, what you're mentioning is a condom. What is that?

That is a latex, or if you're allergic to latex, perhaps a. Lamskin. Lamskin protective covering for your little man. Okay. Or a big man, depending on how horny you are. And who you are. How thick you are.

You know how it grows, then changes shape, depending on horny level. Changes shape. Changes shape. You do a rhombus sometimes. A changes shape. Okay, so. And it protects your man and also protects.

The recipient of your love making from any secretions that may come out of the, what I call the Cyclops Hole at the very, very tippy tip. You call the pussiest Cyclops Hole. Oh no. Oh, you mean the head, the penis head. The penis head has a little ovular opening. Oh, the Cyclops, I see.

I've never seen a Pintus, but. You've never seen one? Never seen, I've heard of them. Wait, but. These I've heard of. You already planned an invention despite not having seen it. I've heard of them though.

I have male friends. I've heard of them. And you're an older woman and you've had relationships with women than your whole life for a week. No, I've had relationships with men. Oh, but you just have never gone downtown. Plutonic, yeah, no, I don't go downtown

and they don't visit me there either. Would you say which base, which base have you gone to? Visited, yeah. Home base. Home base. And what do you consider to be home base in a relationship with a man? A phone call.

A phone call. Where they call you or you call them. A phone, they call me. They call you, okay, so you calling them is what, third base? That's, there's a lady, yes. There's a lady that's really putting myself, yeah, that's third.

Right, but them calling you back. They call me back, that is a home run. That's a home run. That's what we call a home run where I'm from. We mentioned him the last time you were on the show that you had a brother. Right. And we don't know what he does

or what his life is like, but I'm here to interview him. But you brought him, we asked you to bring him here. Okay, and it took, I had to get in touch with him. I had to. That's usually the first step in trying to relay any kind of information with anyone. Are you guys as strange? No, we are not as strange.

Successful people don't have time for each other. I think that, we all know that, right? That's the excuse that I give. Successful. It's all my friends. I'm successful. You're successful, I'm successful. Let's just end it here.

Nuff said. So it took some work to get in touch with him. He has several assistants. He has several assistants coming up with a lot of, I don't want to paint him into a corner now. Sure, you don't want to tell us too much about his life. I've been there before, painted into a corner on the show. Oh, really?

Yes. That's right, but the last time you were on... Excuse me, not me, Aunt Repinua. I know a friend who was painted into a corner. Which friend was that? A dialect coach, Darlington Castle. Oh, yeah. That was a very unusual episode.

Painted deep into a corner. That was... Couldn't make sense of the shit. That was like, yes, and here's what you are. And how about this? So I won't paint him into a corner, but he has several assistants, a lot of business ideas. We're not as strange, but again,

successful people don't particularly have time. Sure, so you may not even know what he's been up to recently. I don't, but I know whatever it is, it's gonna be good. Okay, well, he's here to tell us everything about himself. We mentioned him on the last time you were on the show, and we begged you to bring him here, and he's here today.

Please welcome to the show, Appetizer P. Neuer. Thank you for having me. It is not good. Things are not okay. Things are not okay. They are not okay. Wait a minute, I thought she's successful, you're successful?

You thought that, but you thought wrong. He has so many assistants, no? And when he says thought wrong, he means T-H-O-T. You thought wrong, Scott. Is that a ho over there? He's calling a ho. Scotty, Scotty, you mind if I call you that? A sweat, Scotty, what?

Foddy? Scotty, Scotty. I'm sure I hit it. You mind if I say that to you, Scotty? If it makes you comfortable, sure, go, have a ball. Things are not good, Scott. Things are not good. Oh, Lord, you see.

Appetizer P. Neuer. Appetizer P. Neuer, yes, that's right. My mother, my Neuer, oh, how I love my Neuer. My Neuer, my Neuer, what field was she in? My Neuer. What field was Neuer in? Gardening. Gardening, okay.

Was she sick? And Aunt Trey ain't came to see her. Oh, you guys are estranged. We are. No, I wouldn't say that, I'm busy. We're not estranged, I'm busy. Oh, strange, she didn't even know that my Neuer was sick. My Neuer's.

My Neuer's sick. Throwing up all over the place, and let me tell you, it smells. It smells bad. You didn't know. I heard. You heard about the smell. On our way here, he told me some.

Oh, no. I've been taking care of my Neuer. And I had to move back home. I had to quit all my jobs. I didn't mention to you that my brother, an appetizer here. Before he found his true calling in life, he attempted to be a pastor.

Oh, you did, okay. So that's what, you have a certain cadence. This is a Martin Luther King sort of vibe. I attempted to be a pastor, but I couldn't do it because I started worshiping the devil. Oh, well that would get in the way. How did you end up with the devil? It seems that people at Baptist churches

don't like talking about the devil. Yeah. But I tried to convert him. You are actively trying to convert Christians into Satanism. That's right, buddy, buddy. That's right. I tried, I tried, and I tried. What was it about the devil for you that you like so much?

What? Have you ever seen the devil in a pair of dungarees? Low rise jeans. Oh, Navy bootcut. Low rise jeans. Number nine. Ah, yes. The Pinuers.

Now here's a little behind the scenes trivia for the gang. Okay. I came in to the studio. That's right. Towards the end of this episode. That's right. Paul F. Tompkins occasionally comes on as a character named... Classic Jarls.

Classic Jarls. Because he was Jarls and somehow we, your first episode, I believe, we said that was just classic Jarls. And so we started a hashtag, classic Jarls. Did I do Jarls or did I just watch a little bit? The, when you did Jarls the first time? No, no, no, when I came for this episode.

Oh, no, you just came in, I believe. You did Jarls, yeah. I did do Jarls? You did do Jarls, yeah, yeah. I don't remember doing Jarls, but I do remember this. That when it was time for plugs, and you're going around the room, you ask Langston, you ask, you know, Entree,

do you have any plugs, Entree Pinuri? Carl was on his phone and was not recognizing the name that he was being addressed by. This happens occasionally. Yes. I don't want to call out exactly who was on their phone during the show the most.

It's Carl. And Carl, and there's another person. I think I know who you mean, but everyone is now, it gets to the point where everyone is yelling, hey, appetizer. And he's not recognizing it, he's just reading whatever's on his phone. He's not looking up, he's not even,

he's not even curious about what the commotion is. Yeah, he does not care what's going on, mere inches from him. I never wanted it to end. It was amazing. Because every time you would think like, well now he's, surely he knows everyone's yelling. Surely he knows we're all yelling at him.

No, never, he never did. Yeah. Really fun. All right, we're gonna go to a break. When we come back, we are going to, I guess continue with the countdown, but we're going to do, we're gonna skip to number one, but this is number one of the live episodes.

Scott, you gave me quite a start. You arose with such a clatter. I want to see what was the matter at window times. Window times. Where's window? That's a. Where's window? That's a reference from,

I believe our first in procreation episodes. I'll tell you where for it. Never heard of him? Sure I have, all of them. Sure. All right, we'll go to a break. When we come back, we'll have your number one live episode. Comedy bang bang.

We are back with part two of the best ofs. I'm back, I am too. Paul of Tompkins is here as well. I'm also back with these. And this is exciting. This year we did a few, we went on tour and we called it our 10th anniversary tour. And Paul, do you think we're going to do some more dates

come 2020 or are we done? I would, we don't. Well, I'm trying to set them up. We did them. So I'm hoping that you will. Oh, oh. Wish we'd had this convo off of mine. We did.

And you agree? Wish I had been sober. Well, hopefully we are going to do a few more shows next year. Yeah, man. It's always fun, we have a good time together. We had a great time and this year was no exception. And I thought, you know what, most,

or all of those shows go up on Stitcher Premium where a fraction of our listeners are able to hear them. So I thought, why not take a poll of those people who were able to hear them so we could play a clip from the winner right here on air? Yeah, so let the rich people vote as well. Rattle your jewelry. So we put all of them up there.

And Paul, you were on most of them. I believe you did, you were not in the San Francisco show. I'm trying to think if there was any other one. This year? Yeah, this year. We, Clusterfest was the San Francisco show. Oh, yeah, I didn't do that. Cause the name is, it's an allusion to curse words.

Yeah, you don't like that. I couldn't do it. But other than that, I think you were in all of them. And Lauren, I think was, was in all of them cause she did Clusterfest. I should have looked up these stats, but yeah, but you and Lauren and I did, did. Almost all of them.

Almost all of them. And then we had a rotating group of people of guest stars who had come in. We previously mentioned Carl. Tarte did some, Ego Wodem. We had Andy Daly on a few of them. Sean Diston came up to Portland or happened to be in Portland and came and did both shows up there.

Yes. Yes, Queen. And so if you had to guess, do you want to guess what hit number one? The San Francisco one that I wasn't a part of. Yeah. No, of course not. That one was great though.

People should listen to that one. Do you know, it's hard for me to guess because they were all really fun shows. They're all really good. Yeah. Yeah. I just sometimes feel those live shows are us at our best. Hmm.

Yeah. It's the pressure of the audience. It is. I wish there was an audience here other than just Kevin. Hi. He's wildly gesticulating and waving. He has not relented.

He is. No, he must be exhausted. I feel like one of our family members has passed away or something. He's trying to get our attention. He's been like Kermit the Frog in his arms and not the meme with drinking the tea. No.

The meme drinking the tea. You have to be where is drinking the tea. All right, let me just reveal what has, witch cream has risen to the top. This is your number one. Are you still using that witch cream? You'll never be a witch. I want to.

They have such pretty noses. You're not a witch. You're me. All right, this is your number one live episode. Number one. All right, this is live from Chicago, that toddler in town. All right, so this. Oddling town.

This one was Paul, yourself, Lauren, myself, Carl Tart. Was there himself? Himself. And Jason Manzuchus happened to be touring with How Did This Get Made, his own podcast, at the very same theater the night previous. And I thought that was an amazing coincidence. And when I heard that, I reached out to him and said,

do you want to stay an extra night? And then the negotiations began. Of what it would take to get him to stay. Emotional negotiations. Exactly. Emotion. Emotions. Emotions.

And so he very nicely agreed, stayed in Chicago another night and gave the audience a thrill. And this was such, this was a crazy show. Yes. This was a really nuts one. And this was the premiere of what we call the Dink Dink Man. And let me, and it happens before this clip. And let me see if I can recall exactly what happened.

I don't, I can't recall if you were on stage at the time, but we were talking about, Jason was miming being in one of those walkers, the metal walkers that people use. Who these walkers use? Yes. Yeah. And he was miming it and he was making a noise as he was doing it, going dink, dink, dink,

as in the metal tapping upon the ground or something. And thus the Dink Dink Man was born? Do you remember anything about it? I think that I referenced it later. We do hear it in the clip, but that happened before this clip is we talked about the noise the walker made, dink, dink, dink. And I think we then.

Which is not a noise that a walker makes. No, but then I think we called him the Dink Dink Man. Yes. That became a runner throughout the show. I think that it was also a reference somehow to John Wick because he played the TikTok man. The TikTok man, and so he's the Dink Dink Man now. I don't know exactly what happened,

but the Dink Dink Man became a runner where Jason basically played an insane ghoul who would pop up. Yes, like an urban legend. An urban legend. So we're going to hear a clip from, I wondered how this show would play in an audio medium because there was so much physical stuff happening.

We were all acting out a ton of stuff. What happened was, what had happened was, we were playing bigger venues and the shows were longer because we weren't doing. We didn't take an opener this time. We wanted to give everyone a full show. And I think because of the length of time that we were out on stage,

we started acting things out more. We said the show became much more physical. Also because those stools are uncomfortable to sit on for such a long time. Okay. I'm just saying. And so we... And also the venues are big,

so we felt we needed to get a little more physical and so that's the back of the house could... But mainly the reason is, because once we started doing it, it was so much fun to do that we were... Every show. You look for any excuse to add something up. Every show like, well, let's act it out.

So that happens in this clip. But this one was particularly ludicrous. This whole episode is crazy. We're just going to hear a 10 minute clip from it, but... Just a brief 10 minute clip. I mean, it is briefer than most of the other clips. True. Let's hear it.

This is your number one live. Number one. Before we get to your new relationship, just to let everyone know who Big Sue is, you're an entrepreneur. You have a store, an emporium that sells carpets. Carpets rugs down there. It's got sopping wet carpets.

They're all sopping wet because the toilet's overflow. You've not been able to fix those. I haven't gotten them fixed. I keep shitting, Scott. It seems to me if you were to take the step of... So you keep using the toilets. I use them. What? If you were to take the step of fixing it before, like, in between.

Why would I? Where am I going to go in between? Oh, she's got you there, Scott. I live in the store, Scott. Yeah, but you're not continuously shitting all day long. I'm not? He thinks he knows me. What if you got, like, a... That's a big presumption.

What if you got a porta-potty for the period of time that the toilet is being fixed? You want me to shit outside? You're an animal. I also have an invention. I've been making out of my shit-wet rugs. An invention? So the toilets are overflowing with shit,

so the rugs are soaked in shit, not the water from the toilet, but the shit from your butt that's been in the toilet. The water gets in there. I would assume the water as well. Thank you. Who's he? This is our Alamone Tony. You're very supportive.

I'm not performing right. I'm Alamone Tony. Alamone Tony, Jim. Jacki Rone. Jacki Rone. Oh, okay. Yeah, I am so okay. What's your invention? Well, my invention is this.

So you know when you're shitting, and your body is an L. Your what? Your body is an L. Why would you put your feet out? This is more... Your body is an L. That's how you shit.

You're on the toilet. I'm usually, like, a lowercase h. I'm, like, a five. So we're all different. You're leaning forward? What do you do? Let me think about it. I'm a five.

That's how I shit. I'm an L. I'm like this. He does the pretzel. So rich. It's a rich... That's how a rich guy shits. He has time to kill.

I have an extremely comfortable toilet. And pennies fall out of your head. Wow. You're rich. I love a rich man. I'm wealthy, yes. Well, it's nice. I do okay.

Okay. But you, Sue, you're an an L. I'm an an L. I'm like this. But I always want to be like this. So I'm making... I'm cutting all the carpets up to make a big stack around the toilet

for you to put your legs on. You should just get a squatty potty. What? A squatty potty does exactly that. It's a thing that raises your feet up like this while you're on the toilet to make your elimination cleaner. Does it put your feet up to your ears?

It can, yeah. What? I got, I got, I won't fuck my invention then. Plus, squatty potties are normally clean and don't have shit all over them. And that's where my invention takes the left turn. Good business model. Thank you.

No, I meant the, well... Oh, them? Do you sell a lot of rugs? That's the biggest issue. We're having a liquidation sale right now. That's pretty liquid already. They're not on sale, right? Everything must go!

Please, God! Take the rugs. Take them. They're shaggy, they're wet, they're soggy. They weigh 10 times more than you want them to. Isn't that what they're proposing be replaced on the Statue of Liberty? Please take our rugs.

They're wet, they're shaggy. I thought you were picturing coating her in a rug. Well, yeah, because we gotta dress her up more. She's so drab. Big Sue, may I ask a question? The rugs, how are they displayed at your store if they're all tainted in this way? Are they just all laid out on top of one another?

Like the Princess in the P kind of situation? Have you been to a rug store? Yes. Okay, out of curiosity, what was it like there? Normally, I walk in, I mean... Do you want to act it out? Yeah, yeah. May I play the rug store proprietor?

Or should you have me? Well, this is a different rug store. This is a different rug store. Okay, because I don't want to... This is what I think a rug store is like, because I live in the middle of it. You can have a competing business next door, if you want.

I've only ever had rugs to live with. Okay, so this is the door to the rug store, right? Typical door. Jason, who are you going to be in this? I'm just letting you guys do this. Would you like to be an extra, be like another customer? I'll be a utility player.

Background artist. Can I be an extra? Well, certainly. Okay. I'm in here already. Yes. Okay, I'm a customer, I work for you. You're a dealer's choice.

You're a customer. Oh, thank you. I'm here behind the carpet counter. Okay. Oh, another day facing this dreary existence, working for a living. Do you have this in blue? Hey, pal, what can I help you?

You're looking for something? I don't have any money. Hi, can I help? Hey, friend, can I help you with something? I'm fine, I'm... Excuse me, excuse me. I've told you a hundred times. I've told you a hundred times

you're not supposed to be in here. Here, watch out. This guy's no good. What? I'm an honest merchant. You're no good? No, I am, don't believe him. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Don't believe the ding... Should I leave? No, no, no, please stay. I might leave. No, please stay, that's just the ding-ding man. I heard that he... He said you're a bad guy. No, no, no, he's a bad guy.

He tortures children. Okay. Don't go out at night because the ding-ding man is all bad. What? You just interrupted something terrifying. What? I can't go out at night.

It's a legend around town. There's a spirit called the ding-ding man. Do you guys hear that? Shut up! He steals children from their beds and he tickles their feet with a feather. This is terrifying. It's not true, it can't be true.

What does he do to adults? He mostly just says, don't worry about what I'm doing. Okay. The adult says I don't worry about it, so I really wouldn't have to worry. But that's a local vagrant. We call him the ding-ding man

because he looks so scary. Oh, no. Okay, well, do you have this one in blue? Yes. Okay, I want that. I'm interested. All right, I'll have... Why are you kicking water?

I don't know, his store is very messy. I'll have that sent to your home. Well, where do I live? Well, you've got me there. So you were just gonna send it to my home, but you weren't gonna ask for any of my details? I guess I thought we'd have more of a conversation, but things moved, they escalated very quickly.

Do you want me to tell you where I live? Yes, please, please. Excuse me. You seem very busy. Should I come back, sir? No, no, please, please. I'd love to sell you a cup, but I have to work all day. Now, where I live is very hard to find.

Okay. It's in an alley between two alleys. So I'm not a traditional home. Not exactly. It looks traditional. It's got a roof, two windows, a door, but it's very small for a mouse. Now, I am a lady with magical powers.

I zap down and become small and walk in. In there, I do whatever you do in your home. Oh, that's just the dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, that's the dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. We call them the dink, dink, dink, man. The dink, dink, man's not real. Oh my God, I make a delivery to my house if I can't tell them where I live.

Dink, dink, dink. Of course, I get very tiny. Of course. And I walk in and I take baths, sleep, nap. Right. The things you do in a home. Make dinner. Yes.

Order food from postmates. When you order food, what kind of food do you order? I order Chinese or maybe even Chipotle. Mm. But sometimes I order a pizza. Oh, pizza. Yeah. What kind of pizza would you order?

Are you ordering it for me? I could, if you'd like. You want to get on the horn? I could send the pizza and the carpet at the same time. Okay, great. I want a round pie. A little bit of sauce. Some cheese.

Maybe a pepperoni. Maybe some sausage for feeling nice. Hey, Tony, I got all those rugs organized in the back. I'm then about to go to lunch. You need me to do anything? Thanks, Carl. You're a good employee of my business that I have. Okay.

Well, Carl. I'm gonna go on my lunch break. Couldn't he help me? I've been sitting here for a while. Excuse me. Dink, dink, dink. You've been ranting about the dink, dink, man. He's right behind you.

Carl, that's absurd. What do you want? What do you want? What? What is it? I've tried running a business here. I'm trying to make a sale. You're making a sale?

By buying. It takes two people to make a sale. One person to sell, one person to buy. What do you want? You walked in here like you own the place. You don't need that. I never come out from buying this counter before. Oh, dude.

What do you think you are, sir? Look. You taking a video of this? Are you taking a video? Are you taking a video of this? I'm so excited. You're putting up a taking a video of this. Wow.

Who are you, the bagel boss? Listen, you're not my father. You're not God. And you're not a customer. Well, what do you want me to do to you? I hope you'll rush at me and fight me. Whoa. And scene.

Scene. All right. That's, that's. Wow. That Chicago is how a rug store works. Number one. Oh, there we go. Fun show to do.

No, wait, did you get the singers to sing the word live? No, I didn't. By the way, if this is the first year you're listening to it. Have I ever talked about these singers? I don't think we ever have. Okay, so the first year. Okay, as, as we talked about, you and I both grew up listening to radio

in the 70s and 80s and. Raised by radio. And there was this thing, and people had jobs just doing this where they, they would sing in these harmonies, things like, you know, 106.7 kiss FM or 102.7. And this was a job for people and they would all do it in harmonies

and they would all do these. And if you had a radio station, you could, you know, pay them to sing anything. Mr. G in the morning. And so. Mr. G. Hello, I'm Mr. G this morning time. Now let's listen to the topics of the day.

We have, of course, the elegance. Here's pour some sugar on me. Bye. Lady Wimper Smith on weather, on the tens. I beg of you, if you know me in life, do not divulge my identity. I must remain Mr. G, Mr. G in the morning. Oh, hey, Mr. Garkinsola.

How'd you do? Have him removed. Do you want me to take the trash out? From the studio, no one must know, I'm Italian. This is a guy who's second generation Italian-American, who doesn't want anyone to know. He's ashamed. Yes.

Why are we talking? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, I, when we were counting down, I think the first year maybe it was 10, top 10 episodes of the year, I looked, I was like, that was what I was used to. I just thought it was funny to find those radio people saying number 10, number,

because that went anytime on a radio when you had a countdown, they would use these. And so I don't know where I found them. I feel like I found them on Lime Wire or something. I mean, this is 11 years ago, 10 years ago. And so I found MP3s of these singers singing number one through 10. And we didn't have it up to 20, so when we do them,

we have to, when we do 11 through 15, we have to have them repeat the numbers, number one, five for 15. Anyway, I don't know where, if anyone has any MP3s of them doing 11 through 20, although at this point, it's fun and I don't know that I would change it. Do you know, here's the thing though. Because if you get up, if you start doing

a top 20 countdown, which I know you fucking will. Who, me? Yeah, who, me? I'm laughing in a Tony Goldman's mouth. What are you gonna do, number 10, 10? Yeah, that's true. No, they would probably go up to number 20. If you're doing-

You said you didn't have- I don't have, no, no, I don't have it, yeah. Oh, you're right, so I can never do a top 20. I can only do one nine. Yeah. Although number 10, 10 would be funny. What if I did a top 50? It was number 10, 10, 10, 10, 10.

I hate this. Here's what I'm gonna say. Or would it be number five? Oh, oh, I guess not. What if we got- Five oh. What if we got a bunch? Five oh!

What if we got a bunch of people together? And all saying it? That are people that are regulars on the show that can sing and we do a recording session and we do a bunch of numbers and words that you just have. Just have, and any word, I mean they would have to be common words of course. Like the word live.

Well, words that you say. The. Bonus, like where do you think you would use? Okay. Hey. Yeah, hey. Hey. Paul.

Why? Why? Bye, bye. But then would you be tempted to start using them in the regular show? Yeah, I might be, yeah. I know, and then it just turns into drops and. Yeah.

Pick up that toilet flush. All right. This is what happens, we're only halfway through. We're gonna be back on Monday with episode three of four and we're going to be counting down eight, seven. Six. And five. 309.

Yes, eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine, nine. We will be back Monday. Don't worry. Don't worry, don't. Look, at this point, we've recorded it already. We've been going backwards. We've been speaking backwards. Either way, don't you like us coming back in style?

It's really difficult to do. Sometimes I think I look like her, but my arm's been back. All right, we'll see you on Monday for part three. Bye. No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.