Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Best of 2019 Pt.4

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

Happy New Year from Comedy Bang! Bang! Scott and Paul F. Tompkins continue the Best of CBB 2019 countdown as they countdown the final FOUR episodes as voted by YOU listeners. This episode is brought to you by Dashlane.

The burgers while the grimace grabbed your grapes Ronald McDonald watched it all while Mayor McCheese filmed the tape welcome to comedy bang bang that's a longing that's okay you know it's a fun thing with the McDonald land characters I think you'll change your mind once you hear who submitted it oh thank you to shitty butthole I know almost didn't pick it because of that but I did and there it is welcome to comedy bang bang this is the best of comedy bang bang 2019 part 4 of 4 if it ain't man don't fix it yeah yeah I guess

that's what I'm gonna say yeah if it ain't broke don't say thank you Paul that'll be all for you welcome to the show my name is Scott Ackerman I'm the host of comedy bang bang I've been hosting it almost every week for the past 10 and one-half years or or 10 and 7 12th of a year strange strange strange to think about isn't it what Scott may adventure what a long strange trip it has been it really has I mean when who said that the grateful dead who said that the great dad does he sing Jeremy I was thinking about that the other day Jeremy been a long time since we done that one oh been a long time been a long time been

long lonely lonely lonely lonely dah dah dah dah dah dah dah by the way this is someone's first episode of comedy banger is singing right off the bat I'm glad everybody's a fucking Scrooge about it you know it you know why because they can't sing yeah they have no joy in their lives they should visit each other or a Christmas Eve hey hey what's up Jason hey John thanks for coming over as a ghost they should they're both ghosts yeah let's kill them both oh no we have to stop making these jokes especially once it seems like we did something yeah I don't want to leave any evidence

I don't want to leave any evidence by the way Paula Cole yeah I did not know this I got a live record from Peter Gabriel from the early 90s nice of him to send he was so nice you know of him I thought you would love this Paula Cole album no I and there's someone singing on almost every song I look it up it's Paula Cole and that's how she got her start she does that in where of all the Cowboys guys she does yes but uh that's fun to suddenly get a job and you're out there tour in the world with Peter Gabriel and singing duets with him and then it fun and then you record your own record and Dawson's Creek goes hey I want that

and that's the story of the story of Paula Cole no one knows more about it than me Jason Momoa Jason Momoa loves Paula Cole I love Paula Cole don't I I love her I write proper love Paula Cole I'm starting to realize why the fourth of four best is the least listen to we have should be the most star power definitely you got Jason Momoa you're not listening make sure you include in the metadata Jason Momoa guest stars all right all right all right all right what have we got yeah the best of comedy bang bang part four I realize you stopped talking and I was just taking the cup up to my lips to take a drink bring that cup up to your

lip Sally Jim that did it thank you take a long deep draft of water mind you don't get the water boobs what is this episode three I'm not gonna do that revenge of the Sith Star Wars by the way Star Wars by the way okay we covered it Star Wars by the way I think we were doing these best of two years ago in Star Wars by the way yeah now here we are Star Wars by the way I talked about my love of the character of Ray yes that's right out of her proud of Ray I'm proud of you Ray Ray I'm proud of you maybe that's why I wasn't invited to the premiere of the new moon because I was yelling at the screen during the

last premiere I'm proud of you well this is a different director is it not yeah this director he don't care for me the previous director knives out fucking love that movie and I was out that's right up your I saw yesterday I would right up my right up the old a hole out it loved hey you snuck something in there I did that was rude mm-hmm but I would imagine you would have been good at any of those parts but as the part James Bond played James fun that's what I'm thinking of I thought he was great he was really I thought he was great yeah he's singing along to the car the right losing my mind yeah not

looking right oh oh really funny it's great I'm having remembering it yeah go see it knives out good movie what's your favorite movie this year I haven't seen it at this point it might have been that it might have been that okay I don't go out to the movies that much yeah you let the movies come to you yeah yes I do you hire all the actors yes so do the movie for me you get the grips all the way yes assemble assemble in living room please now I've never seen this movie and I wanted to be very good I wanted to be exactly what you did everyone try the very best and now take me to Avengers Land I don't know what adventure

lands why very different movies I think any movie with the Avengers is an adventure land you're taking a trip to true my favorites this year as a press time I didn't ask you didn't ask okay it's a press I know I want to know though I like parasite I like book smart haven't seen parasite haven't seen book smart those are both great but I haven't seen a lot at this point but I like those two I like us I like I liked us I forgot that there was this year yeah I like a vendors endgame obviously and but I still have not seen quite a bit of the movies that are out there so are you gonna see that new dramatic ghost

busters zero last ghost busters yeah but 100% more kids 100% you think people complain about this ghost busters I don't even want to get into it of course they will somebody cares their kids I did as a joke and people got mad at me well which is so weird to be like defending a movie from a joke defending a movie from a joke yeah like you don't know what it's gonna be like like my friend my friend is movie friend is movie your friend is joke don't be me do movie with joke I the one thing about democratizing the internet and you know the social media making everyone out and even playing even playing field it is

weird to me that everyone now is a media critic yeah like I it's always been I think people's hobby or like people go oh it would have been fun to be a movie critic now everyone is one everyone's had their opinions but no one else had to hear them before yeah now we have to hear all of our opinions all the time all the time every day is all it's opinion day and there's nothing we could do about it we're forced to be trapped oh well well opinions speaking of it and being over soon that both ties into our countdown because these are the opinions of the listeners of what the top four episodes of comedy bang bang are of this

year and it is also going to be over soon yeah all it not soon enough I'll tell you that much take a look at the runtime of this episode it is a long one but let me just explain the concept of the show because even though this is the least listen to episode of our our countdown it is undoubtedly someone's first episode comedy bang bang is a show where I host it and I talk to celebrities actors comedians musicians and I also have comedians on who are playing fake people they're playing characters that's where I come in I'm Paul F. Tompkins I'm one of those people some see the best one so I mean you have been on the best of every

single year we've been doing it and that cannot be said for everyone everyone can boast such an achievement I wonder if there is anyone who's made an appearance on the best of every single year I don't want to know I don't want to know Andy Daly as he maybe would be the closest Jason Manzprints I don't know one of those two maybe I bet I bet Andy I'm not sure I mean there been some years I think where Andy was doing review where he was too busy to do the show haha we're not busy fucked up we're not busy we have all the time in the world oh no my wife my wife my wife remember that guy my wife she was my

life which guy was that my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife my wife what was that we have as a previous it was a commercial like it was an anti smoking commercial maybe where the wife smoked herself yeah but it was us talking about it singing my way and we say yes on a previous best of yes for sure for sure we've circled back true all the favorites will know boy well this we're so this episode are the top four every year we put out this episode are the top cheese you know when you make fun of me you try talking this much and be co here's a Bert Ackerman logic on me yeah yeah like he says talk about

George Bush yeah this seems like Obama managed to do it for eight years without settling a fucking way he's reading a prompter no but this these are top four and these are top these are tough for it cannot be denied about this we're doing every year we put out a poll where people can vote for their 10 favorite episodes and we tally up the results and we then look rank them in order descending order from 15 to 1 and so we're doing the top 15 this year and this episode will be doing 4 3 2 and 1 now this is sad because this is the first year since we've done the ranking that the ranking has not been

done by Ranking Roger that's true he has passed away he came in X toaster and lead singer of English beat yeah he would come in and he would rank the episodes for people don't know that he did it for him he would do it for everything like best of the decade yes best of the rank things he would do all top-ten lists for movies yeah he would do them separately for each person yeah this is like he never got to finish his ultimate goal which was ranking everyone in the phone book I came in by the way at I was like 258,368 I was like in the thousands oh you were up there really wow yeah he loved you yeah

yeah and I loved him I'm gonna miss him forever I liked liked him I wish you'd said something when it told him because he felt the same way about you well I could have been ranked higher you go I'll say number one and obviously if you've been hearing all of these episodes Paul and I have taken out an entire day to tape all these and at this point we are not coherent and I think this is the fastest we've ever done it we've been racing through them and I still feel like we've been here for 40 hours well normally we've taken we took a lot we would go off-site and take a lunch break this time we had the food came to us

much like these movies come to you it's it's wild what a time what a time it is well I mean just someone here at Ear Wolf went out and picked it up yes but another I think that helped maintain the energy yes probably not who knows we'll say we're I think last year we walked to a restaurant and then walked all the way back like be you like cavemen but we did meet a baby do you remember that no I don't what baby did we meet we we went to the restaurant nearby here and then someone that I had worked with on the LA complex yes was there with her husband Georgina Riley right she's there with husband Mark O'Brien another actor right

and they have a baby who presumably is going to be an actor I hope so and we met that baby and that was a good meeting it was a good meeting yeah yeah I feel good about that baby we had a general we had a general with a baby baby made a great impression yeah now another staple of these episodes is that we played the snowman game this is one of the year you think this is the final snowman game okay I think so we could play one at the end of this episode as well if you do not get selected okay now here's what it is for people who for some reason don't know what this is it's a snowman toy it's a singing and dancing

snowman yes he's he's a jolly little fellow he's got a rosy cheeks for some certainly is a hat scarf he's holding a candy can I would say his cheeks are about to melt they're so rosy do you think like there's a person trapped inside and their body he's showing yes it's like starting to melt the snow I think no I think there are snow capillaries and veins all made out of snow snow organs snorkeling snorkeling snorkeling board mr. policeman I give you all the clues so you press his little fat hand and then he has a fat shame this you can't hear me fat fat fuck he's singing to a fat fuck in here

he said shut the fuck up maybe you'll be called you better so you press his hand and then he spins around all these things let us know let us know that so he's during this song he stops four times at a different place and if he if he's not on you looking at you it feels so good feels so good so this and he's never looked at Paul he's not this not this round he's looked over Paul's shoulder certainly shoulder but he has never looked and gazed into Paul of Tompkins lovely brown eyes green eyes I'm not sure exactly you really don't know what color my fucking eyes are how long we've been fucking you can't move

by the way you've moved into where he actually now you need to move back to where you were trying to get I'm trying to get video yeah but you got to get it if he looks at you not it okay are we ready yes here we go all right we're taking video press this little fat hand press his little fat hand here he goes he's now see now he's spinning around spinning around and he looked Sam got it Sam got it and now no it's a no one to the corner good it's not looking good I don't know maybe maybe oh he's looking at Kevin this is your last chance Paul unless we do it at the very end no buddy all right let's do it at the end just to

see if you can get it all right speaking of getting it let's get to our number four episode what do you say this is your number four number four oh oh this is episode 579 from December 17th it's so so early so early before the curious clump so before the curious clump now what we do is we the eligibility period is Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving every year that's right so this is December 17th so this may have been the earliest episode that we have in the countdown that's a while maybe we will see we will see this is episode 579 from December 17th this is the 2018 holiday spectacular sure oh sure I mean it's

unfair there's so much good stuff so many great people every year on comedy bang bang for the final regular episode of the year I put out a big call to our favorites to see if they can come at a certain time and all join in on what turns out to be 20 people talking over each other oh yes and then all of the men once once the two women are gone all of the men who really come into their own as screamers by the way not everyone that I invite shows up and not everyone who says they're going to show up comes that's also true and that certainly happened this year it's it's it's booking things is tough it's tough

I don't know what to say and especially this time of year and and there are a lot of lonely guys who have nothing better to do than come to the show but um this year they're only on this episode that we're about to do has some great people Jason Manzukas was on this Jessica McKenna who we talked about earlier in our countdown John Gabriel Lauren Lapkus Mike Hanford Nick Weigar Paulif Tompkins Ryan Gaul Sean Distin Thomas Middleditch Tim Baltz Wilhines and Zeke Nicholson they all made appearances on this episode and what we're gonna hear we're going to hear four clips sort of a representative I know one of them is

which one do you think I think there's a song involved yes there is a song involved yeah yeah yes so what we're going to hear is these are the four clips that I pulled but of course the entire two two hour 15 minute episode is all great but the four clips first we have we've talked about John Gabriel's as intern Gino a bit but we haven't heard a clip of him so we're going to hear his opening I'm gonna say opening gambit salvo his opening salvo what intern Gino who is a character that John Gabriel does which is not too far from his actual personality an exaggerated version of John and but he's he's great

he's one of our favorite guests and people love him and so we're gonna hear him for a bit then we are going to hear Paulif Tompkins here and Lauren Lapkus as Santa Claus and Big Sue now Big Sue is a character that Lauren has been doing a lot and Santa Claus is someone that Paulif Tompkins has been doing and on this episode they both got together and teamed up that's a superhero team up crossover of this then we are then we are going to hear this was a very popular segment we're going to hear Thomas Middleditch come in as big dog big dog that's right and that's a very funny clip and it was so funny for

it's literally five minutes but spawned a best-selling t-shirt and a terrible t-shirt which is the ugly shirt we've ever put out and I love it and then the final clip we are going to hear is Nick Weiger and that's the aforementioned song and that is something that we normally do on the Halloween episodes but the Halloween episodes basically have gotten too difficult to schedule everyone's sort of schedules have gone off so have become so different the participants who have traditionally done those episodes are now scattered to the winds in terms of scheduling that they're just too hard to pull off every

year so we haven't done them for a couple of years but on this particular year people were so upset that Nick Weiger did not do his song that year that we invited him to do it on the holiday episode so let's hear those these are your favorite clips I don't know if these are your favorite clips but this is definitely your top four episode this is your number four I do have to say Gino that we've been getting complaints from some of our female guests that you been pouring water on their shirts as they enter into the building yes and that's because their shirts first of all some of them are coming in in dry

sweaters and with you can't have that much static around equipment like this yeah it's much safer to be wet around this that's why I heard you say out in the lobby we got a wet down that wool yeah wet the wool baby I got a wet that wool this is not a Jersey Shore situation this is this is not the don't you ever fucking I'll never go to the Jersey Shore oh well that's right you're from the South Shore of Long Island Nassau County what do you have out there do you have a Jersey Shore tight place yeah we have a fucking beach you mean we're a fucking island we got Jones Beach we got Long Beach we got

Lido Point Lookout which is the best Robin Moses how would anyone get there Jones Beach Field 6 if you wanted to take the train to Jones Beach how would you do it you could jump on the Long Island Railroad at Penn Station hit Jamaica Rockville Center Baldwin Freeport Merrick Belmore Wanto Seaford Mesa Piqua Mesa Piqua Park Amityville Copaig Lyndon Hurst and Babylon baby yes but you get off at Belmore and the train down there but that's how the rest of the train line sure yeah yeah have you ever gone further than that do you fall asleep and like wake up someplace that you were like just in

Connecticut yes I fell asleep one time and I woke up and I was in the Montauk lighthouse I was inside I was inside and I only when I found out I was inside light house because I opened my eyes at the same time as the light past me and I thought I was dead oh gosh yeah oh yeah don't go to that yeah that bright light and then I was fucking remissed to find out I was a lot you really miss I was upset that when I found out you wanted to be dead at that moment I was like well I'm dead it's easy I kind of like did you feel a sense of relief yeah I was long before you realized you weren't dead it was six days six days so you

were you thought the lighthouse was some sort of heaven yeah and then I started to be like this feels like a very specific pattern and I hear I hear things and I the weather's changing and I'm getting hungry yeah and I thought I would be dead so you went into acceptance very quickly in the dabda oh you got what's the dabda the denial anger the seven stages of trail seven stages I think it's yeah I believe it's bargaining bargaining that's right betrayal well you didn't even know dabda you don't know that dealing with grief oh how are you feeling I'm just betrayed I'm in the betrayal phase I turned my back on my

own grief I've been betrayed but you just went through them really quickly got right to acceptance like oh yeah I just assumed I was dead so I was like it just be easier if I'm dead now so that makes easy on whom on yourself or on your me for sure don't feel that way during the holidays well once I wasn't dead I would have been very sad for us yeah was it it wasn't because we didn't know about any of this happen right right to be honest I don't know when we would find out that it had happened because Gina was so infrequent here yeah that's my that's my bad because I'm dealing with some medical issues back home really

what's going on for yourself or for someone for myself I have like a constant pink sock but you know I'd know I don't I mean I there's some problem with your laundry what no it's yeah no it's I wish God help me if I could just have a problem another problem with my laundry wait what's your first problem with the laundry I get the dryer in the washer confused all the time and I was in the dryer first and then it just heats up all the filth on it and it stinks up my whole house and you're going to school sopping wet I'm going to school sopping wet hey but no static shock baby yeah got a wet that whoa keep the whoa wet baby

but what's the problem with your oh I have I have a sock you sock yes I've near constant pink sock which is no I don't know that's a prolapsed anus oh yeah so you're saying what it looks like sticking out of yeah I have a little tiny tail you have to keep it in a bowl of cold water so that nothing happens to it okay anything does it grow like one of those little sponges yeah like shrinky days no I guess those are the opposite you gotta put those in the oven if it's not in if it's not in water and like lint gets on it then oh no yeah you don't want to get lint on your pink sock you're walking around your

university sopping wet with a bowl of water and your prolapse anus next to you yes first of all it's a community college yeah I'm driving my Jeep Wrangler shitting on top of a bowl of tepid water with my pink sock in it and then I can you just soak yeah can't you can't you like just soak it before you soak something your underwear is something that yeah I try I've tried everything but it's you know because it's like a burn is it the kind of thing like a tapeworm come you lure a tapeworm out of your mouth yeah you get a tapeworm to like eat it back in like I can't is it your body gonna suck it back in it some one

of the best ways to get it back in I've learned is one gentle peg just to be pegged gently one okay couldn't you or you can hold a vacuum to your mouth like a high-powered vacuum okay like a shop vac like a shop vac if you put it so you're saying you just have to get the right amount of pressure from your mouth yeah to draw your prolapse anus back and what whirls it back up like you can't just finger that right back oh no you can't but you should wear a glove and it's got to be a big thing did you find like a foam finger like if you can get a glove over a New York Giants foam finger it really gets it

back in there if it doesn't fit you must yeah Dean Cook would love this you'd be like I bought five in the pink he came once when Dane was performing at Hofstra and then yeah and then he started doing you know shocker material concurrent cook act yeah in every city that he gives college tourgasms well let me say I had to do this because when I married you I aged so rapidly I wanted to figure it out and kind of do a calendar that made up for it so I have a special gander from a magical aging yeah now I what I try to tell her is yes you do look a lot older personally I like it you are immortal now so that's

not bad right you look almost exactly like his previous wife and you know what they say you know it's interesting we don't like she passed we don't care what I'm she passed she did have some of us care more than others she passed the road sound on her way to hell okay have you heard my new laugh I guess I haven't already none of you say funny yet this is not a funny show it's about long dumb road I'm so proud of her oh oh oh I'm crying with laughter he really you literally are oh my gosh I'm crying well miss on the third how a moth came out of your mouth finally I've been trying to get rid of that also you see my tears

individual snowflakes each unique one different than the last do you have any special powers yep what's this we love each other we love each other so much I love this man he's the most generous man I love what attracts you to him what every year every year he gives gifts to kids for nothing yeah all they do is be good can I ask a question Santa do you do you have children from your first marriage and how do they feel about you getting married you're gonna bring this we did not publish this give you a list of topics we want the greatest wait did you write up a discussion you publish your publicist oh I'm sorry give you a

list of topics we don't want to discuss that being one okay he can go ahead he's a grown man you have children I well I had children had yes oh wait are they passed it passed away no they're adults no they have they have disowned they've disowned you they're not happy with my new life it's the same as it's been I just haven't seen the same as it ever was this is my beautiful wife and hello so I mean are they upset that your your previous wife passed away is that they are upset that I remarried so quickly my first wife was not quite dead but the marriage was dead for you marriage had been dead

for come on so you you were happy happy come on can you have a little life I can't how did you meet we had a friend's house oh wow mutual friend yeah mutual friend I hate him though but he's a friend more of a friend of me for sure absolutely whose house who anyone we know yeah you know him you know everyone knows everyone is the most famous reindeer of all oh wait Rudolph dancer yeah no and I will tell him you said that this fucking hysterical you will hate that don't please I can't make things hard for me I'm texting him I can't be bad with you oh oh oh that's fucking hysterical so where do you know Rudolph from from ever

well from my childhood first of all he landed on my roof went clip-clop all night fucking long my dad went fucking a shit shot the shit out of his leg no one even tells you he only has three that was a weird year we lost Rudolph for for a good week and a half we didn't know where it was the last week and yeah my chimney he tried to get in to get revenge they're not supposed to go in there I know I'm not supposed to be his handlers wouldn't even fit yeah he's not smart of course we hung out for you guys the nose is the brightest thing about him I hate him but he's hysterical but I hate him but he's all right he's not so

bad sometimes that's funny shit what do you mean well he's just funny shit like he's okay like a clown like monopoly like he's gonna put yeah and then you just each other and love bloomed the two of us I was struck by I was struck by her right away she was eating a pizza oh yes I was housing it I lifted it up and then have a game the whole thing did not kind of do dry order bit the bit the triangle part open up my face through yeah like one of those for those cats and bread is on Instagram and I wanted to be a meme because I was really struggling with my business and I was trying to become a meme and get really

money so I really wanted to get really money my bank account be really money yeah at the time is really empty and memes are a good way to do that and I'm not the gold digger but I did find a great guy yeah but you guys have no money you're not selling anything you know just everything I'm sorry I don't understand how you don't get let me tell you something can we live thousands of years old no one makes me do anything I don't want to do okay cool all right there's no sense to curse like see your like see your kid he's okay okay nobody makes you see your do you want to leave you want to leave you're gonna get some

cold up your fucking ass should we go should we leave no guys please don't let them ruin this for us we are here to promote our business okay copy jokes done there call one nine nine nine carpets rugs down there go one died died died carpets rugs oh this is humiliating for you why is it also isn't that like a 25-digit phone number yeah we're at the North Pole idiot oh the whole rug store has been re-located on Christmas you know that's where we live you deliver on Christmas Christmas it's when we're out and about free shipping free shipping right down

your chimney and if you don't want to come to your front door we'll have you sign for it free shipping for rugs is wild it's a very heavy item we can do it well does it come in a very small box a surprise I just noticed something when we will all woke up from the stream there's someone new sitting here in the room what's up dude it's me big dog how's it going big dog big dog we've never met before no dude I just stumbled on it here with a steaming hot plate of nachos went to crutch town what crunch town I don't go to crotch town on nachos I crunch them crunch like crotch yeah I did they're looking pretty soggy but have it for a

while oh yeah I keep these nachos moist and wet and then I crunch like a good wool sweater you got to keep it moist and wet oh well wet baby oh baby you guys are talking my kind of sauce big dog Santa Claus North Pole hey what's going on how do you how are you able to crunch the nachos if they're moist and wet you're skilled nachos like I am crunch just about anything I could crunch moist towel it moist toilet hey come on come on jeez some people you apologize I'm sorry big dog okay big dog don't hold no grudges I didn't know that about big dog it's written right on his shirt are you kidding I wasn't

looking down there I'm a gentleman this t-shirt available in the shop in the e-woolf store big dog don't hold no grudges that's where I get all my brothers can I get can I get Kirk's Kurt's or whatever printed her can I get a silk screen on the court you sure can absolutely nothing sticks to thick foam better than work I want to get a picture of a big old plate of nachos fully dressed with fully dressed not naked not just no way man I want them all what do you want I want them sour cream I want them salsa you know I want some gawk and you know I want some cheese and you know I want a half gallon

of blood did you guys all hear that last part that was the only thing the top on the court we can very last thing you said I thought was unusual like a red sauce yeah cuz I love a round pie with a tomato we all know that about hold on if you're in the mood pepperoni you could maybe some blood here maybe hold on I like milk sometimes cookies on the side our new friend our new friend our new friend back if you switch it's a wolf wolf you know it oh my oh it's spelled wrong we have to ask you I got each it on my right arm and who did that on my left and these are all catchphrases

for a new character already four to five catchphrases you just throw those arms up when you're on your bicycle depending on what the person behind you just did girl you know it dangerous dangerous the amount that you're adding so quickly too much I love nachos I got a couple catchphrases rollerblades with triple the wheels what if your blades don't got 12 wheels you're not playing right tell you that much right now so not too much character is overwhelming I like nachos why are you swindling jigsaw puzzle and you've all fallen asleep that was all real you big dog is real yeah big dog

actually the most in the dream we in the dream big dog is I will say a large dog and big dog had four ponytails braided into each intricate little braids you all look different in the dream world than you do in real life your your emotional truth is now apparent big dog is a big dog yeah I brought you here to a special part of the dream is the cave of catchphrases cannot pick up a couple more you have any room in your inventory you got anything catching your eye like what's this one make America great before you all wake up I wanted to give present here is the plate of the most perfect nachos you could ever imagine the

nachos of your dreams the nachos that could not exist in reality careful if you bite into those sometimes they're ironic bite it ironic nachos I mean ironic nachos I'm gonna climb inside these nachos are so dang big in those giant olives are dripping with blood dogs in is a little dog in the nachos his lipsticks out like mr. Lenin I am a songwriter I composed the monster mash in 1962 popularized by Bobby Boris picket that same year however he did however it was not my original version of the song that became a mega hit he made some tweaks to it he made some tweaks the lyrics were sanitized to please the

studio fat cats and my original vision studio was this hat was this this was a Rista records no Tori is for having the kind of guy that does the research the most brutish record Leo's not so much a wing in it kind of guy research like the opposite of big dog I am sitting in his blood very unsettling well it was also on his nachos did we explore that at all you wrote this song and then ever since then occasionally I'll see you in the autumn times yes you say you're writing a new version of this a new song yes so I came on a performed at the first year the original version of the monster mash right the monster fuck I

returned six times from the sense this is the sixth time I've been on the show this is that original appearance this is the seventh appearance right and each time I tell you I've written an entirely new song and I don't yeah and then you sing the exact end of being the same monster I've done that I've pulled the wool over your eyes several times yeah and I got a little wet so yes well I have finally come up for the Christmas time for the holiday time I have come up with a completely new song that I'm going to debut here today and it's not for Christmas it's for another winter holiday it's for Hanukkah Hanukkah okay

well we've talked a lot about Christmas and yeah I'm here so wait who's Rudy you're doing Rudy yeah that's a very Jewish rudimentary north I'm going to get together yeah that's candy so before we get into the song yes I do want to hear it yes when you go on the show and you say you're gonna do a new song right and you do the same song you've always done and Scott calls you on it what is your justification for singing very apologetic right well I've always said it was a at first I said it was a spiritual sequel and then I said I was doing different riffs on the same subject matter right it was just a new shiny new coat of

paint on the same old car but it is is it the same exact song every single time well I'd argue there are some major variations although I believe some kind soul layered each version on top of each other and you do not deviate in the slightest I think they're different song I'm not interested it's it's on it's the holidays it's you know the end of the year I'm not interested in a Halloween song I'm interested about the festival of light this is about the festival of light although it does have you know my subject matter my bread and butter is the spooky genre so Christmas Carol has ghosts in it I understand so this is my

new song haunted car they will be debuting my normal a backup singer scare line my granddaughter passed away however yeah she passed away this past year and she is in hell now but she committed a lot of sins but my my grandson my grandson is here so to back my grandpa to back me up I love you to kill him thank you for being here hello I get to hang out with you oh killian if you met Beth you're about the same age what that girl over there in the corner I think the boy is it a boy or a girl I'm a boy that girl in the corner doing donuts in a real car yeah yeah this is really dangerous even just the

exhaust in a Celica so Leo you have you have a new song this is a completely new song my favorite songwriter so this is a new song it's a thing thank you for saying that I am one of your favorite songwriter you are I pray I love the one that you've ridden well this is well that hurts me you know we've talked about so fucking sorry I've lived a long life and I've been dead before I'm sorry John we were once contemporaries time has aged you are frozen in time you're ageless I look great what a weird thing to acknowledge that is true we were sort of racing to write the same song and I just couldn't

get it done we were doing a spook we was called spooky walk and it was about a ghost who got legs and walked around why why would he need to we can fly did I you'd have or they they can float around so it's like a sort of scary little mermaid that's right okay look Leo we got to get to this we'll get to the song Disney found the notebook this is called this is called haunted car haunted it's my spooky Hanukkah song for the festival of lights all right festival of frights if you will I was working in the lab the first Hanukkah night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight for my monster from his slab began to rise when

suddenly to my surprise his trousers dropped right to the floor with his bottom bear he ran to the door I said Frankenstein what's gotten into you he said my dick is hard and I need to screw he did the fuck he did the monster fuck the monster fuck it was a graveyard fuck he did the fuck that monster sucked and fucked he did the fuck he did the monster fuck part 7 haunted car from my laboratory I heard quite the racket deep in the castle the vampires jacked it the zombies all fucked in the graveyard grass man wolf down Frankenstein's they did the monster fuck it was a graveyard fuck those monsters sucked

and fuck they did the fuck they did the monster fuck the beast all fucked as the orgy spread bigfoot gave the headless horseman head jerked off in the castle monster Frankenstein gagged from the jizz in his throat the fucking was wet there was spooge like mad Egor decided to fuck his own dad the mummy let out a horny moan when my business bear tits turned his dick to stone they did the fuck they did the monster fuck the monster fuck it was a graveyard fuck those monsters sucked and fuck they did the fuck they did the monster fuck and Frankenstein's pride was

horny as hell the hunchback went bareback and rang her bell she got titty fucked by a giant spider jizz made the streaks in her hair much wider she fucked every monster come one come all her three holes were filled like a bowling ball and all skeletons boned his undead bride Frankenstein just jacked off and cried it's now the monster fuck and it's a graveyard those monsters suck and they fuck now you should fuck now you can monster fuck part seven hauntica thank you thank you for the applause thank you for the ovation mazo Leo can I say something please that's the same fucking song you've

been singing for seven years yeah I felt like I knew the lyrics to this me too but I loved it I I've never seen him sing it before he gets quite in he's really into it super relaxed very casual I feel like I was watching an intimate act number four and those were presumably your favorite clips they were certainly the clips that I pulled after listening to the entire episode you said you like this episode so I had to listen to it well a lot of people don't know that I spend days pulling these clips yeah and listening to every episode twice why do you do that I don't know surely someone else could do that well yeah

you don't trust them no I don't you don't know them I I've never met them so someone is doing it but because you don't know them you won't meet them you refuse to meet them because I don't know them but you can't know someone so you meet them everyone you know sure sure are you saying you're saying you you know people that you haven't met would you say meeting someone one has to be in physical proximity so for instance if you had an online friend who lived across the country have you met them no you haven't you haven't even even someone you've known so you shake a person's hand and look them in the eye you haven't

met that person okay and I when people when people write me an email and they're like it's nice to meet your electronic but you we haven't met we haven't met we met electronically look me in the eye spit in my face I love it trample on my balls a sick freak I want to be humiliated shit on my chest by the way this is I have to say that this particular episode of the best ofs is maybe the dirtiest episode of the best ofs we've ever had and you'll hear that in future clips those not just because of what we just no but because of the clips I listened to all four of these clips in a row and I was like boy this

is a dirty episode all right we need to take a break when we come back we are going to have the top three the number three episode I can't believe we have gotten so high I won't believe it you and I have gotten so high we're high we are rolling right now I want to just roll through the weekend all right we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this comedy bang bang we are back and we are up to oh we're rascals and rapscallions and we're mr. g we're up to time let's hear from our old friend with the weather we're up to the top three Paul this is top three no playing along I get it top three serious business top

three serious business top three sb mm-hmm this is crazy this is crazy I just met you this is great we're doing drew now hey this is crazy crazy Drew Tarver has one of his things he is to point out the insanity of a scene while it's happening this is crazy he always says this is crazy in his southern accent it's very funny we love it all right let's get to it this is your number three all right remember Paul remember how the previous episode we listened to number four was 579 from December 17th yeah of course so I've been thinking about yeah well this is episode 578 it's one before from December 13th a week prior not even a week four days prior

boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy this came out as a bonus episode but but but bonus exactly do you remember what this episode is could you even hazard a guess why would I remember by the episode number I don't know maybe you're a weirdo well I'm not I'm normal this is an episode called right off the batman hmm okay okay I take your word for it and do you want to know who's in this episode hit man we have a man named Bobby Moynihan and a man named Paul F. Tompkins me that is right this is one of your episodes Paul how do you feel about that I mean I feel you you're saying in such a sinister way it makes me feel like I feel guilty about it I actually feel pretty good you

feel naughty that your episode got into the top three okay so there there is perhaps no more combination that says comedy bang bang like Bobby Moynihan and Paul F. Tompkins would you agree uh second dead second dead second dead oh second it two hours it's an epidemic the the combo of Bobby and Paul and myself has appeared in many best ofs over the years started I believe with the time Bobby yes episode whose sequel also was number one on the countdown and yes I believe we did four of those perhaps we did the subsequent ones not number one but still placed did very well did very well did very well uh Bobby really funny guy uh and um we scheduled the three of us together and of course we never know what's going to

be done or who wants to do whom or who zoom in whom and uh Bobby came in at this particular time and uh you said you wanted to do uh Cal Solomon yes and uh Cal Solomon is one of the original members of the Sugar Hill gang uh a very gentle guy one of the only characters that you do that actually gets along with me yes including the character that you play in real life Paul F. Tompkins and uh Bobby came in and he wanted and he said he wanted to do Batman and I didn't really know anything other than that and then he hooked up his iPod to a cord here we gave him the ox gave him the ox cord and uh uh he uh uh by the way earlier in the episode I believe we talk about how Cal Solomon's full name is californication Solomon yes which I did not enjoy you didn't you didn't

like that being put upon you I didn't want that I didn't like that being put upon the character oh I see yeah so is that not it's is that no longer canon I mean that's a for the that's that's for the public you just have not mentioned it since then or you have I've avoided it you've avoided it like the plague and you've called me californication Solomon I said you can call me Cal okay so now I know it bugs you guess what's gonna happen well this is why I didn't say anything haha um why did that that come up again I listened to the clip the other night but it was it was I don't remember I think I think we were talking about californication we always are I think we were and someone said wait is that what Cal assured for and you said yes so who could that someone have

been Bobby I think I think it was you oh maybe me I don't know who knows maybe whoever could listen to an episode like this um I will say occasionally when we play these clips I will take uh various sections of an episode and edit them together as if they are all happening in real time does that make sense sometimes you'll hear the chime sounded that means like a little time has passed yeah but occasionally I'll take you know two minutes from here two minutes from there two minutes from there and edit it together as if it's this a six minute chunk that is happening in real time sneaky son of a bitch I cannot do that with this because the music that Bobby is playing underneath everything makes basically editing together sections of this impossible yes so you're

going to hear one long and uninterrupted chunk and he was playing stuff from the batman returned soundtrack is that correct he played some stuff from just uh batman soundtrack including prince songs right and and the danielfman score from one of uh the batman soundtracks but uh this was just a blast to do and just super fun it was a lot of fun it was very silly very silly I don't even know why it came out as a uh a bonus episode other than just scheduling I had to get it out before the end of the year or something yeah I think we I feel like we had recorded it and it was in the can for a really long yeah that's right I think it was in the can for like six months for some reason I don't need yeah I had just because I was working on the between two ferns

movie I had recorded a lot of episodes and then I kept thinking it would come out and then I just kept having uh date specific episodes that need to come out where someone was coming on promoting something and then by the end of the year I was just like I can't wait any longer to I gotta get this batman episode but I will say that we've talked about well let's let's just hear it first and we'll talk about this after the jump here we go this is your episode three number three so in any case you thought you were a member of the of the group because you participated yeah yeah yeah and what exactly happened I thought we were on the same page is this is this music that you had brought what do you hear this is that not you doing that that's not me doing that is that you

doing that where is she who's this fellow where is she was someone just dropped into the room off my kind of a these terrifying oh my goodness it looks like oh my goodness he looks like some sort of a like a giant flater mouse he looks like like some sort of winged creature yeah I if I human certainly not if I were cowardly or superstitious I'd be terrified right now but you're neither no I'm regular you're an even keel you're just a regular guy I'm a bit cowardly and sort of superstitious so I got a little bit of fear I don't believe I am part of the cowardly and superstitious lot but I don't think I'm a criminal there is some overlap if there was a venn diagram of cowardly superstitious people and criminals certainly there would be a large

you'd see a big fat slice yeah excuse me where is she who is who where's who you are in human creature I'm no creature hi I'm Cal Solomon hi Cal nice to meet you hi I'm Scott auger bit of comedy baby no I'm aware big fan thank you so much that's nice to say that are you an alien whatever you look like a Martian who me are you from under the sea who me are you Poseidon yes you I'm Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman I'm Batman back did you say you're bad minton I am the creature stalks the night I'm bad you stalk the night that's a time of day I stalk it what do you mean the whole time well it just did whenever it's dark it's easy to stalk it I guess you always know where it's gonna be do we it's right after the shadows that's where it is in

nights in the shadows correct so wait is a shadow dark so during the day you as long as you're in a shadow you stalk it or if if it looks menacing yes okay well you look menacing yeah you're menacing if you don't mind my saying are you stalking yourself me yeah yes you why you keep saying who me we're talking to you I was sure open up your goddamn eyes then it looks like you have like a hey fuck you man oh a lot of language right off the bat get it that's a good one that's a great one I'm Batman Batman did you bring your own music what is this my own music this is my theme this is the Batman theme technically it's the uncredits but this is the themed abatement correct excuse me sir you're the are you there is she where is who are you asking about sir

Rachel I think it was Rachel Rachel was it Rachel Dawes Rachel Rachel oh Vicki Vale Vicki Vicki Vicki Vale she's great isn't she are you looking for one of playboy millionaire Bruce Wayne's girlfriends I yes I didn't realize that they were all that that would link me to him if I was just solely for his girlfriend Rachel Dawes Rachel Dawes is uh she was she worked in the DA's office I believe two different actresses played her I believe it was Katie Holmes the first one oh I don't and then I kill it all kill it all in a second not ringing a bell at all she she had a lot of opinions about the Rico effect as we all the Rico act I believe the Rico act which no one had ever heard of apparently in that film I'm here to stop it you're here to stop the Rico act that's why

I'm here to stop the Rico act Rico what does it stand for again uh real real real intense intense crime organizations yes the real intense crime organization and they are you should stop them in action I've had to take them down but now are you with the police sir no you must have a badge no I'm a vigilante like JW is still water the only badge I have is this this bad oh it's a bad it's a bad it's a badge that's the batch of badminton correct can you turn off your music did you bring this what my apologies it seems like it's just happening did you hook an iPod up or something where did this come from it comes from the night the night look welcome to the show Batman the music of the night like Andrew Lloyd Webber oh right wow what okay

where is she who Rachel Dawes or Vicki Vale Vicki but Rachel Dawes or Vicki Vale or a child Monica Sellis but where is Monica Sellis where is she why would we know why did you come in here it's not dark I thought she came in here no it's it's she didn't come in here I saw Cal outside and I thought he was turn off your music wait you was that my music you recognize me it was just about to get the funk up I don't understand you sorry that's my dance that's all I'm sorry the badminton did did you recognize me I did your Cal Scott what I tell you this is very exciting I don't think we've ever described you on this show how would you know what he looks like you're my first fan I'm a huge fan I have a picture of you over my Batcave wall over the Batcave wall so on the ceiling

it's it's 49 feet tall wow that's a big picture it's a giant picture where did you get this picture is there a google image search that you did or funny enough the Joker made it to piss me off but who did he know I was a huge fan the who no the no they I've never met them but the Joker who's this Joker the Joker is what's his name it's just a guy you know is a Joker gosh I mean there's a lot of backstory to this one thank you it was originally the red hood okay but before that he was uh all sorts of things uh what was his name are we talking wb here also because then then we got then we gotta do like the wwb the wwb jack napier right correct yeah okay jack napier then the red hood then the Joker correct okay so uh what do you like alan napier the the actor who

played alfred the butler of the butler on that old 60s tv show I can't remember the name of it I don't know what what are you doing here I'm trying to save the world you're trying to save the world the whole entire world the entire world what's the danger from darkness usually don't you I don't know a lot about the batman clearly uh I do know that he resides within Gotham city home of millionaire or billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne what I've never heard of him you've never heard of Bruce Wayne I mean his billboards are all over the city I've seen so many people boys in Gotham I always thought it was for Wayne's worlds so you do live you do live in Gotham I I'm not gonna give my address but but you don't commute wait let me guess but I have a I have many of you don't

live in blued haven no I don't I don't I'm just south of metropolis let me let me guess your address is it one bat cave way you can't do it where is she who Rachel Dawes or vicki veil we don't know with any woman any woman Nancy Odell Nancy where is Nancy Odell so she's out furniture shopping I think she is look you're here to save the world or a woman I don't you know I don't know what is I'm like here to save Nancy Odell from the RICO Act I don't I don't think that she's really involved with the really intense crime organization you don't need to think anymore for batman this year can I ask you batman what does the real intense crime organization act do sorry I can't hear you over this music one second can you say

that can you ask that again yeah sure absolutely the the real intense crime organization act RICO Act what what does it do it's like a mnemonic device that helps you know that our ICO stands for those words right okay so the act of remembering what is RICO stands for that's what the RICO Act is that what you were asking absolutely fantastic asked an answer thank you very much batman yeah you do you not add oh wait do you batman yeah you don't remember your own name sometimes do you have a different name or something that you go by name I'm sharp as a tech I'm a detective first and foremost oh a detective I don't have something like monk I don't have superpowers correct they're all the best two detectives top three detectives batman and monk what about

mortekai who's number three Columbus Columbus wait Christopher Columbus well I guess he found this great old USA wait a minute he had that weird eye what about Poro a fellow Poro fellow Poro fellow Poro he was a detective yeah he was he figured out his wife was cheating on him he had that evil friend that bird I would have thought he would have hired Jules Kroll for that bird Billy Drago that sounded like Gilbert Guthrie let me ask you a question you talk about you talk about monk and he's this great detective he's just as good as you the great monk detective are you monk oh yeah I wish I was why do you wish you were monk Tony Shalub killed my parents what what this is a scoop Tony Shalub killed batman's parents

we were at an opera and we came out after the opera and Tony Shalub was standing there there was an opera at Oprah's house there's an opera at Oprah's house up in Montecito up up up in Montecito and when we were exited we were laughing and sure it was a funny opera it was a hilarious opera did you have a happy ending like most operas do correct big big puppet dance number at the end puppets yeah there were puppets who was operating these puppets the the singers the singers were so it wasn't a separate crew for the puppets no no not like not like gentlemen in blacks no right so there's like puppets and then that so the singers so the opera was a whole other story yes I could get I mean I could tell you about that for yeah yeah

yeah let's talk about was it really interesting funny thing happened on the way to the opera oh really what was that what happened on the way you're not gonna believe because it sounds like a terrible thing happened on the way out of the opera they forgot the piano the big component of the opera every opera needs a piano every opera needs a piano pardon me while I drink some water of course are you this is your real voice obviously why wouldn't it be so on the way to the opera they forgot a piano and on the way out did you get scared if they forgot the piano it's terrifying to think of an opera without a piano correct no so on the way out they Tony Shalub was standing there or Tony Shalub now he was also an attendant

he was not standing there he was levitating three feet off what how with his powers he has powers Shalub powers his Shalub powers I didn't realize monk had powers I thought that that he had limit you know like oh see viability well now that's month the character but maybe Tony Shalub has powers that month is not half he was not made it abundantly clear he said I have Tony Shalub currently not monk he was not wearing a dress shirt button all the way up with no tie no what was he wearing you're not gonna believe this oh really a bad man a bad man costume he was wearing a bad man costume so wait a minute what it's very cheap it was a Ricky's number what year is this 1961 1961 so this was not positive I might be wrong there's a while ago

then this is so why it might have been like 23 years ago okay 23 years ago I think 61 I feel like Tony Shalub I'm not sure of his exact age but he would have been like a young boy I think yeah I'm not terribly good at math so wait if it was 23 years ago it would have been 1995 or so oh bad man word for it what if you use your powers of deductive reasoning your detective skills to deduce how long ago it was all right Alfred how long ago was it who Alfred Alfred my name is Cal yeah my name is short for Calfred is it not it's not it should be or calcified it's not it's not short for calcified it's not a californication

do the red hot chili pepper sing about you are you ever a member of the red hot chili is that song about you my full name is californication solemn it is we've never discussed this no no one ever asks you are californication solemn it's true and that is why i'm here why badman to stop you from from doing what you're part in the reco act why you're joining the reco act no no scott you got their main campaign song their song that they play you know when they recruit members reco act rallies oh no it's californication by the red hot chili pepper is it possible that a song that was written as a tribute to me by your good friend some neighborhood some neighborhood boys i thought you lived in new york i do but they were in my neighborhood once they're passing through

that's right they were on a class trip you know they all went to school together oh right were they off to see the lakers play at madison square garden the wonderful lakers of basketball to see the lakers so they wrote a song about you when they were based on a class trip when they were in high school yeah and they passed through your neighborhood i think on the way to madison square garden they had a dream of me a dream of oh yes they were dreaming of california dream of california really um so you're here to stop him though but badman i'm here to stop all evil i'm not a crime guy i'm not evil i'm just me you seem like a very nice man you don't even like cursing i i don't

do you look can what about the word what about the word anus i mean it's a medical term it's unpleasant but sometimes you have to say it but i think calling someone that is rude when do you have to say it you have to say like doctor there's a problem with my anus how often are you saying this well you know i'm no spring chicken so i go to the doctor for yearly checkups and sure you know there's a lot of times you know when you get older you have to attend to certain areas that you didn't have to so once a year you have to tell your doctor you have a problem with your well you know i it's more like i say do i have a problem with my anus and what does he say well he puts a camera up there and then usually he says no everything's fine like his iphone

does he remove this oh i'm assuming he does because if we could get some real-time pictures that would really help out batman's investigation here i'm usually asleep when it happens i need evidence to figure out investigations well i mean you can go to my youtube channel it's all all my colonoscopies are up there oh thank you that's nice so you it's you yes so it's you that's me number three there you go there you go um of course this episode famously caused Broadway actress Tatiana Moslini talks about earlier in the countdown to break in live theater in the middle of on the chasmin episode in the middle of her doing the Broadway show network yes there was a section and she talks about it on the chasmin family episode where she goes outside

onto whatever street her theater was on and you can see the public passing by behind her she's doing a live remote and someone as batman walked by right i don't think you even saw that person on camera i think she was in her line of vision was in her line of vision and she started laughing she started laughing remembering this episode and it popped in her head i was just where is she and she started laughing in the middle of the Broadway show yeah and had to kiss uh tony goldwyn and was laughing during his mouth while she was kissing and this uh by the way this is we've talked about on previous best of countdowns that sometimes the earlier the episode is in the eligibility period the more people don't remember it

and these two episodes are practically the earliest you can be in the eligibility episode the holiday episode and right off the batman and they're very high on the countdown so what does that mean i think maybe putting the descriptions in has helped and or just these are undeniably great episodes who knows stone cold classics stone cold classics well look we have two stone cold classics to go stone cold steve classics stone cold steve austin is on the episodes coming up on the top no we have the top two episodes coming up after this paul do you even want to guess i i don't even want you guess i can't guess i can't don't make me do it all right we're gonna come right back we'll be right back with episode number two after this

come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on come on uh january 2020 chow chow chow chow do you know those commercials no i don't what is it it was for purita cat food cat chow and they took the song calendar girl how does that go february you're my blah blah blah march march you're my blah blah blah april you're also my blah blah blah may guess what blah blah blah but then there's june but then they so they took that song the curious clump and they made it calendar cat okay and so the lyrics were january chow chow chow chow chow instead of making sense out but it was different cats different beautiful cats beautiful and i guess they're also these cats are beautiful you gotta they're like legitimately

pretty oh beautiful like you look at them like you look at a human and you say oh that's for me by the way cats the movie oh they'll save everyone of us are you gonna go see it are we gonna see it together what's happening we'll see it together let's see it together i want to see it it looks just all right it looks bonkers yes so and and as a press time it is not out yet so we have to see it together i'm hoping that you have some time uh i'm hoping that you have some time dude i'm hoping you have some time at the end of this week or next week yeah but i do now listen scott i just want to point out this is the most in all of our time knowing each other that i've heard you say the phrase at press time i know oh you know yes i say you're aware of it i started saying it and

now i say it it's a thing it's part of your life it's a thing you say it's it's who i am now okay okay look look i love you no matter what okay thank you i love you is it bothering you i love you but i love love you i love you you know i love you you know i just uh you know um it's not it doesn't bother me i'm just i'm just realizing you said it more than i've ever heard you say well i think this is the most i ever talk about i i have to frame this as in things haven't happened otherwise people will be confused i would say the decades we've known each other are probably here to say a press time maybe four times before a day for this is five yeah so this is the most this is the most yeah great um um um um we are almost at the end of this does that excite you paul i get excited

i know that you've been trying to hide it how have you been successful with that i just can't uh i get it i get it i'm about to lose control but although that seems like a negative you must hate that i think if i monitor myself i like it hey mikey what happened to them the pointer sisters well i i will say i have a friend who lived in their old house and they had a house together all of them i think so or a few of them together and and uh apparently and this is an allegedly situation uh apparently in the basement uh it was a crack den and uh there was a lot of paraphernalia down there in any case otherwise a nice house otherwise beautiful yeah and like legitimately beautiful like a gorgeous house these other sounds you'd be like i wish you were a person

oh i love being inside you imagine if you're a person i was only that it'll be sex do you think sex to a house is people going into the house yeah i guess because a house can't have sex with a different house sex otherwise it's an apartment sex to a house who lost sex to a house because if it's if if two houses were together and inside each other they'd be an apartment building so houses need to have sex by people being inside them maybe it's furniture with furniture so true well no furniture is the butt plug of house sure it's the gerbil nobody no please no nobody nobody ever really did that right no of course not stuck a live gerbil in their rectum no and i and this the recent rash of gerbil uh gerbil disappearances has nothing

to do with an rr of gd yeah has nothing to do with me scott i never said that it did okay i just want to make it very clear it's very strange i mean there has been this recent rash of gerbil disappearance yeah we've all been talking about it a lot of people like what is this the leftovers but gerbils that would be awesome what if just pet scott raptured i gotta get to netflix across the street guys guys what if what if you go over there and they're like we were just about to put the oa back on the leftovers but for gerbils away get out of break away a better idea just came along all right we we have to get to it this is this is your number two number two all right number

two what could it be what could it be this is episode 588 from february 25 it's not part of the curious clump definitely not part of that curious clump clump is becoming less curious it really is that's as more more episode curiosity kills the clump nothing to do with it oh oh mama clump mama gliss she's dead gliss all right number two number two is an episode entitled little choices mm it sounds familiar sounds familiar because you might have i wrote it he wrote it no this is an episode with uh jason menzukas and thomas middleditch and myself and i mentioned very early in our countdown that thomas uh when he was on the show recently was campaigning for this to be voted upon and who knows if uh it affected its uh ranking uh only ranking roger

knows he took that cigarette into the grave he certainly did um but it is it is up there it is number two wow yeah squeaky wheel gets the grease it certainly does and it certainly did and this is uh but this certainly do but this is a really fun episode i really enjoyed doing this one and perhaps one of the hardest laughs i've had uh doing this show and in clit jason menzukas and i and thomas we all laughed maybe harder uh than we have in a long time on this um i'll try her i guess not everything has to pee about you well apparently it's not apparently nothing is nothing nothing good we just played your episode good didn't make you laugh harder than you have so this episode uh thomas came on and he's doing a voice of uh a youtuber a 17-year-old girl named

katlyn who uh comes on to talk about her youtube channel now what you need to know uh what's happened before this um clip or these clips we're gonna play a certain cross-section of it uh is katlyn right before this has talked about uh her most popular youtube video which is her burning her friend trish's hair off with chemicals that she has obtained with the help of her science teacher and her science teacher has taken katlyn out to his car in the teachers parking lot and opened up his trunk and he has uh stolen a bunch of chemicals from the lab and is basically has a bunch of nitrous and is and a bunch of chemicals and gives katlyn these chemicals and has helped her uh do this experiment and that was her that was her uh most popular video now um obviously this is an

improv show and thomas had no idea what we were going to talk about so uh we then get into uh talking about her second most popular video which is far more interesting and you're going to hear about that um so this is it this is your number two let's hear it here we go number two number two i guess like my second biggest um video on my channel was when i found the portal the portals did you say you found a portals porto portugal port you found a portals in your home your hometown no no like the portal the like you guys the game portal and i don't know what that is okay what what do you mean yeah i guess we're hearing you correctly portal is that what you said yeah like um i was outside this is a video on youtube of you finding a portal yeah you go to

katlyn you go to like uh it's called is this like when katelyn so fresh like logan what's his name found the suicide forest i guess kind of except i didn't make fun of it okay good so you go to katlyn so fresh katlyn so fresh and and you there's a video of you finding a portal what's it a portal like a do you mean like a tunnel well i know it's a portal it's been confirmed by uh guiness book of world records uh scientists uh no the elon musk the what if you were out there just confirming things by the way i would believe it i'm elon musk and i confirmed that all right it's like verified on social media it's just got like a musk check that gets a 9.2 on the musk mo meter yeah no it was by the mole man oh what's that now this is interesting it's like a mole man

you it's all in the video i mean if you want to like youtube search you go like no you should you should describe it for us just for those people because they're my people who don't uh who don't tune in don't have access to a computer maybe they have dial up okay well like sometimes like i'll walk in the in like this like path that's kind of near my house you know what i'm doing my this is yeah i'm doing my sky reviews and just like get away from like my parents or whatever and just like talk to the camera so you're talking about sometimes you leave the house and you walk down a path just like is it a is it a kind of a rural area that yeah it's like between some farmland and the reason you do this is sometimes you want to get away from your parents yeah and i want to record

on my little on my videos so you described leaving the house and walking down a path and the reasons why you do it great now continue i mean the only outstanding elements are mole man and portal yep i look i'm on board now your motivation rings true to me yeah you want to get away from your parents you know what you've made the individual universal because we all understand that impulse and that feeling of wanting to get away from our parents and walking down a path and feeling like looking at the sky gives you a little bit of scope and perspective on the life that you're living and now mole man well and portal i saw this rock this big rock and i thought it might get on top of right to get like a better clear clear review of the sky because there's this rock new

to you or or have you seen it a lot like i think you've seen it a lot never thought much of it yeah and i started one day inspiration struck and you said let me climb that rock well because there's some trees like blocking the view of the sky like and the like i just wanted to get a little bit more elevation i guess sure and then as soon as i stepped on the rock i slipped and then went on the other side of the rock and fell down a large hole and i slipped and slide slipped and slid and it was like this whole tunnel system and it was water it's all in the video wait was it like a was it almost like a water slide but a choose your own adventure water slide where like yes you instead of going down have you seen the video no i haven't seen the

video but you know in a normal water slide the lifeguard pushes you down and you only go down one slide yeah you could go down you'd sort of choose like multiple avenues to go down was it like in goonies yeah except as scott was saying like little choices yeah yeah there's how many how were the choices there was like eight there was eight and they're all called they're all called little choices there was a low apostrophe yeah there was like these little like they were labeled yeah these little little choices and so if we watch the video which obviously almost everybody listening has hopefully you'll pause like already like 400 million dollars we will see yeah uh little words pop up little choices yeah on these little they had these like little signs it sounds like a

video game well they there are these little signs and it's kind of like splash mountain you know or sure sure it's like a little wacky like it was it was wacky down there splash mountain though as far as i know they only have one yeah uh precipice i'm like this was goonies meets splash mountain with little choices but where do you but where do you end up is my question because what it sounds like to me no offense yeah it sounds to me like you fell down a well no it was like it sounds a little bit like you fell down which by the way you described it as you tried to step on the rock you went through the rock to the other side of the rock and fell down down a hole down the other side yeah i fell down the other side of the rock was the rock a hologram no i stepped on the rock and

oh you slipped on top of the rock and then i traveled down and then it was blocking this hole that was on the ground so where does the portal get like when i think of a portal i think of a portal to another dimension well i haven't even gotten to the portal oh wait you haven't gotten to the port this is just a hole in the ground this is a hole in the ground oh with little choices i'm telling you so wait i thought this was the portal no so someone in our dimension labeled these little choices like i don't know there was you we don't have any other choices and i don't know what one of the other choices led to other choices like there could be more than eight little choices i just experienced eight little choices and you made your choice how did you make your

choice yeah did you try and be morally uh upstanding or did you make choices based on were they based on morals or that okay i'll give you an example choose your own adventure you can choose the bad thing or the i don't know how you choose which port or which i'll give you an example like at one point and again this is all in the video like at one point the the like what am i trying to say like the tunnel to shoot like leveled out and so you sort of came to a stop and it's like wet you know it's like it is wet yeah there's like water everywhere the wet tunnel that you're shooting through yeah yeah so the water is helping you propel your journey yeah it sounds a lot like a water slide yeah and then you sort of you sort of slide out you stop and then there's two then

there's um two little tunnels that branch off and this says a little choice and then there's a little choice a little no it just says little choice little choice and then there's um like um like a tv and it played the last scene of what's that um Elijah would the good son okay and when she's on the cliff and she's got the two boys like holding the boys before they fall it played the last scene of the good son yeah and it cut before she made the choice oh and you're just supposed to say colkin or wood okay colkin or wood if you and you say one of them yeah you say it out loud and you knew that instinctually i just i said wood because i like his eyes are so big so you shouted out wood because on the screen it said it showed you this and then it you'll see it because

i'm like recording the whole time right so it cuts and then on the screen we could just watch the video i'm far more interested in actually hearing about it so then it goes colkin or wood and i just like because i didn't really know what to do i said wood you just shouted it out what no i was like wood like that i was a little scared because it's like not every day that you go down a crazy tunnel with little choices and video screens but so in decades old movies yeah and so then like um one of the tunnels kind of illuminated like there was illuminated yeah there's like lights out i was like okay i guess that one so you were supposed to propel your own self yeah and then i scooted so how long did i take you to scoot this is a flat space at this point yeah kind of like

levels out and again just to be clear we have not yet gotten to the portal got it okay we're still in the midst of little choices but many there are eight little choices little choices total and this isn't this yeah what i at least said i experienced this is one yeah i'm not gonna give you all eight no no no we are going through all eight little choices it's on the video but i just want you to know though that this isn't even my most popular video my most popular video is the hydrochloric acid burn okay trish's head okay great i'm not i'm less interested in that than in the strange man made or human made little choices yeah waterslide that doesn't lead you to a portal it doesn't tell you okay in the in the well maybe there are some sort of visual clues that we can look at

but anyway so you you scooted yourself to the tunnel that illuminated Elijah wood for Elijah wood yeah was Elijah wood inside that tunnel or i've never met him if i would love to i think so then do you start descending again yeah and then there was like a whole another you know little choice are there are other twists and turns or yeah i mean it's like really wild any 360 loops or and no 360 loops but at one point um at one point it sort of stopped and then there was like a and like an inner tube and i had to get on that and then there was like a bit of a wider point at one point you you slow to a stop yeah and then an inner tube is just laying there or it's like tied up it's tied up it's tied up and and there's like a sign that says use me use me

oh this is very yeah i was gonna say this very lewis carol yeah anyway i got on that and then there was like a whole other section you went on the raft yeah it was on the little inner tube right it was wider it was a wider tunnel so you needed it but it was just wider right you need an inner tube uh in order to traverse that safely yeah okay so then what happens then seven other little choices seven other little choices and then i'm sort of illuminating it was always a binary choice it was this or that yeah and they were all like movies they're all movies oh interesting were any of them like it was all if i might ask were any of them based on sophies choice yeah was there a sophies choice i don't know i mean i definitely remember like

there was a like a pirates of the caribbean one where there was just orlando bloom and then johnny depp and then you'd have to say depper bloom depper bloom okay and you remember what you chose i chose bloom okay you chose bloom and do you remember what scene that was i don't i mean it was i think it was at the beginning of the first one look at the very beginning when they were still at odds with each other yes yes it was on the deck on that little dock and they're like oh my god you you and each time this seemed to be voice activated i guess i guess well actually i later found out oh you later found out yeah because after all the little choices i like um i came to the bottom and it was like sort of like this dirt patch that i was just our spat on it

sucked because like i'm all wet and like and blood yeah that's dirt now it's all muddy yeah and then there was like this i mean i i call it a portal it was like this opening in like spacetime where it was like swirling light i guess so it looked it was almost as if like a shimmering hole in the in the air like a little like a little hole like a little hole or a little hole like how big is the well i know is little hole because there's a sign called little hole dude it's just a little hole but that was the only choice the only choice was the little hole so you you dived through the way did you have to jump up yeah it was a little bit up up through the ground but i because sometimes you got to make a choice you don't just shoot straight into the

portal right i kind of like you get to crawl yeah well what if how high was it off the ground because i'm imagining if it were even like three feet off the ground you kind of have to jump into it and do a somersault out of it um it was it was around three feet but i did not have to jump i sort of just like climbed through i know where what did you hold on to where did the edges of the portal so the edges of the portal were tactile you could hold on to those uh yeah i think i remember yeah i sort of hoist myself but all the whole time i was like trying to do it like selfie style because i wanted to make sure sure yeah you're holding the whole time you're holding a phone this entire time i'm just trying to figure out and there weren't any sort of like handrails

for you no no so i was trying to like capture because you want like it's important to capture you as well in the frame sure to prove that it's yeah yeah so i'm like okay here i think i say in the in the video like okay i'm going through this little hole hey guys i was like hey guys i'm going through this little hole now uh i guess i'm somewhere underneath the earth how far down do you think that you would this is where you see like stalactites or stalagmites or like molten lava was it getting hotter magma i had to like pop my ears multiple multiple oh wow yeah wow so that's like quite deep in several hundred feet down i mean i guess it's i mean i don't know if you've ever been through like a subterranean web of tunnels with little with eight little choices

it's hard to tell where you have to be confronted with a little hole yeah at that point i was pretty confused okay so you're like hey guys i'm going into the hole yeah it's important to be positive can i ask before we talk about what you saw once you went through the portal yeah do you think that you made eight correct choices yeah or do you think that you made an incorrect choice and that's why you were presented with the hole i i don't know and i've actually like um it's so funny like i've been seeing a therapist over this whole thing because i'm actually really traumatic yeah i would imagine i mean i would think the first time i plunged down into the hole my brain goes oh i'm dead yeah no i was like initially scared but again i was still like filming so i just yeah i just

wanted to make it fun i mean the first time i see wood or colkin i'm probably thinking oh instead of saying what my choice is maybe i should try to climb back up through this i gotta get out of here this is dangerous no i mean those are all thoughts that you can obviously somebody set this all up and that's chilling this seems to be some sort of trap for miners yeah under 18 yeah those i mean those are all like thoughts that it's in some states it's pretty fun to like think about that like in hindsight it just in the moment you know you like want to go with the flow kind of now this story and i and i have thought oh my god what about all those other eight little choices and they have other choices there or yeah like colkin and all the other choices colkin depth yeah

where would you have landed up yeah would i get still get to the portal but under just different circumstances would it send you sell more elsewhere yeah or are there other little things at the end of them can i ask before we get to the portal too uh this town where are you from uh dane ohio home of the right brothers has there been a recent rash of disappearances um no more no more than usual like just the average so what is the usual to date no hi oh i think suffers from like six to 700 children missing a year i think it's considered normal that's like two a day that's quite a lot okay so we've gotten to the point where you somehow using the edges of the portal which seem to be acting as uh tacked out guardrails for you you're able to like hoisted myself hoist yourself up

into this portal what was that movie with like scarlet johansson and it's like she's like a killer loose under the skin under the skin have you seen that in that scene in the movie there's like it's like a black void sure when did the black void come about i haven't seen this film she lures a man it's a beautiful movie actually yeah she she um she i don't know how much to spoilers i guess for uh why does a void come around that's all we need she places people into a void that is like almost like black liquid almost it's like a black void but there is some kind of like liquidy mirror there's like a viscosity to it where people people are stuck in it you know people are stuck in it alive and she kind of feeds off of them yeah okay yeah so it was why do you

bring this up because that's kind of what i came into like through the portal you went through the portal into like a void yeah into a into a liquid yeah where you're able to breathe it just looked a lot like the under the under the skin scene okay and and just based on like there was so much movie stuff and like Hollywood references yeah eight little choices i honestly i think it was like a set a movie fan yeah whoever this is a movie fan and i know he is because that's when the mole man appeared so the mole man was in this void no no the moment was through the portal through the portal and he came up through the liquid and he was a little bit wet but it's like it dried off really quick oh interesting and are you breathing this liquid yeah i was able

to take oxygen from the liquid first like initially it was only an eddy pipe but he later revealed to me that he can control the height and he like dipped me in oh he dipped you in like a baptism no he could like he would it's like i'm jumping through the conversation like this is like a two hour long video by the way but like i jump we're jumping too far ahead at this point like if i won't go to the i won't for the conversation he's like you don't believe i can i said no i don't it was like i was screaming at the point and and then he's sort of like just like whooshed me through the liquid and then brought me back out it was like an example of his ever-growing power oh oh so the mole man is powerful i that's what at least he wanted to convey to me yes anyway so

he's like this like pink fleshy little man with like wearing clothes or wearing no he's not but but he's kind of like a beast as well like he's kind of like part mole does he have hair um a little scruffy little bits behind his ears and his chinny chin what about his genitals are they they covered in hair or yeah like sort of like a lipstick situation no there wasn't we're still not here he had enough hair this is a naked mole man approaching a 17 year old girl i want to know what exactly how he presents himself and he had enough hair that you couldn't see his genitals like the hair was longer than the genitals i guess okay well that's an unfortunate situation for him yes but you know we've all been there yeah did it give you a sense of where you were first i was like

what is this he's like we're in another dimension we're in the nether and the nether is what i call nether yeah so this is like the upside down in a way yeah i guess yeah i don't know if you've seen stranger yeah no i've seen i've seen like a lot of stuff how you're only a 17 year old girl how do you have so much time to watch i love watching i love watching culture i love watching it develop okay all right that's exciting so this is the nether yeah so he introduced himself as another dimension called the nether yeah and um and then and then he's like i'm super powerful like i control these lands and he was the mastermind and the the ruler of the yeah and then i was like did you have anything like what was all those little choices about like what's the tunnel

so he's like what are you talking about what little choices okay so he's he's either lying really dark about it or he has no idea what these are and then he was like oh how did he know to come to where you were did he like oh yeah he did he's like this liquid is like a spider web for me i can fill when there's disturbances in it and all that's right i during this break yeah i watched the video or scrubbed through the video yeah it's too long yeah it's a long one video can you see which tell me tell me what all those choices were well here's the thing here's what's interesting about the video you've seen it so which what were the eight little choices well here's let me explain the video and i think you'll see what the choices are i'm happy to explain all of

that yeah so in the video uh katelyn is indeed uh doing a sky review she's walking along she sees the big rock she goes up on top of the rock and she appears to slip and fall right and then for like a little over an hour the the phone is still recording but it's just pointed at katelyn who appears to be unconscious on the ground oh okay okay um and then a um a homeless man oh okay uh who is naked right yeah uh how long are the these pubes comes into frame he is genitals are truly obscured completely okay okay and he wakes katelyn up katelyn has some blood on her head okay and they do proceed to then have a conversation that is similar to the conversation that katelyn is telling us about now okay although she's talking about the little choice the little choices she's

talking about all this stuff and he is confused right i think that a lot of this might have happened during a blackout maybe you were concussed okay that's exactly what the mole man was talking about he said he said at the end when we were wrapping up after he like showed me you're wrapping how did you well you were wrapping up he had to show me like he said they call like the order of the marbles and he like showed me all these like little marbles and how they align and stuff like i don't really get it was like he said it was quantum physics oh i see and that's something to do with how he controlled his realm yeah and anyway he like made a bunch of marbles align and like and align and like make pyramids and stuff okay but then he was like now before you go

in order for this to seem plausible i'm going to have to make it seem like you dreamt it oh okay right and then he said so this i can't like the by the way the location of the tunnels and the portal these cannot be discovered by anyone in your realm you said that you said that before i let you go is it like a thing of like he's got other stuff to do or he's letting you go well like were you his captive or or is he like is he like okay well we're both busy look i got other shit i got it before i let you go i don't know i mean it was a fascinating conversation but i have moman business too well thanks for stopping by well yeah we have like we all have like stuff to do and you knew i was like probably running out of memory on my phone right oh okay i

don't know if you caught this part in the video you were scrubbing through scrub through i do sort of i do you know like i i remember everything and i remember at the end waking up and there's like this homeless guy there at the end i don't know if it if i got it on tape because i again i haven't seen it you just uploaded it right away like people have to see this but the but the homeless man he he looked me dead in the eyes and he he winks like this like okay i don't know how to describe that so that was your double blink and then you opened one eye yeah so it's a full full blank into a wing into a single eye and then he made a noise like uh and then you and then he said it's me oh boy it's me and what do you think that he meant the moman or you don't yeah who i don't

know or or the person who set up this entire adventure and then did you just follow the ribbon back to your house or you knew the way that he carried me and then when my parents were like uh what is this naked came to the door and they're like katelyn where have you been how long had you been gone this is an interesting question i don't know i mean it felt like it felt like forever but how long was it in real time i think it was like 20 25 minutes oh okay but here's the thing here's what's weird the video is three hours long okay yeah because the video is very long but it but it was really 25 minutes yeah hmm but they were worried sick and they were so grateful for the man to bring you're gone 25 minutes and they're worried sick well Dayton sounds like you

don't get a pretty intense yeah child yeah plus it doesn't sound like you get out of your house too much you needed an excuse of why you're walking along this trail yeah and i remember this just as as he was leaving like the homeless man like he returned me to my parents yeah and then leave you on the doorstep and ring the bell yeah well he's naked he was hold yeah exactly and he was holding me in my in his arms and he knocked on the door and like the door up and they're my parents and like oh my god katelyn you're here thank you thank you sir thank you for returning her and and he was like oh not a big deal i said nbd nbd do you have any pants yeah and then and they were like what do we call you and like what's your name what do we call you i think i was strange that your parents

would phrase it like that they're what do we call first of all they're they're just not they're not phased about the nakedness they're from Denmark and originally which is why they're not phased by the nakedness okay so what do we call you they're like what do we call you and then he's he said just call me m m m m m so like marshal mathers no no no no no no no no no no no you think he's the mole man no duh i am concerned yeah for trish's safety trish is fine trish is fine she's and i'm also honestly a little concerned with your relationship with your science teacher maybe you should try to lure your science teacher into this oh now this is interesting he should make some little choices yeah he's made a bunch of bad big choices it sounds like what's so crazy about having a like a

relationship with mr manfield a relationship what do you when you say relationship what do you mean mr m he's chill wait mr m yeah mr manfield m and m oh mr manfield mr m manfield wait you don't think that he's man now this is interesting i don't did this just got interesting did somehow his uh car full of chemicals and uh he's just a science teacher okay he's just a science teacher that if you do get in class he gives you a little like a ribbon a little if you do get in class he gives you like a little pink ribbon yeah like a little pink ribbon as a reward for just getting to class no if you do well in class if you do well if you do a good test like well on a test he gives you a little if you get air above on it he'll stipple a little ribbon so can i ask you

something where you mentioned ribbons earlier i hate to jog your memory oh yeah um and it seems as if you have a relationship with mr manfield mm mm do you think that he's the one who lured you and it seems like he has access to hundreds of children a year what are you saying do you think he's the is it possible is it possible that is the mastermind oh mm mastermind behind this very complicated rube goldberg-like series of tunnels that seem to be some sort of test upon a child's very soul yeah he would understand probably the choices that kids would make and also might have the understanding of how to dig elaborate tunnel systems without causing structural damage yeah i mean using chemicals just pouring them on the ground also can i ask you did he ever ask you

about your uh your opinions on several movies like like uh the good son or anything yeah we talk to movies all the time did he ever show movies in class yeah only when there wasn't that many experiments to do power to the caribbean yeah good son yeah what's that kevin costner one or the denis quaid one yeah what about keanu and the puppies yeah he did show me that all right you know what i'm starting to formulate a pretty clear opinion about what's going on yeah oh did also does he have uh hair all over his body um i'm not sure not that that's a bad thing no i guess not that that's at all any kind of i'm not sure i mean he's got a normal amount of hair on his forearms okay when the when the homeless gentleman who saved you and rescued you

when he brought you to your parents house yes in his arms when they opened the door what did they say to him oh hey mr m okay all right i don't know quite what to think about this story now this is like the usual suspect right going back over everything you've told us and wondering what's true so they your parents call him mr m all right yeah but then oh like what did they look we're not gonna figure this out today but i i do need to make a call to child child protective services i think and date no i oh my god number two what do you got what do you mean what i got is an email or the time i got no it was a text message okay

why would i look that long for the time scott i know numbers what are they yeah i thought so what are you gonna say fish okay not now that was that was number two number two yeah a very fun episode just obviously we go insane at the end silly fun with insanity silly fun uh thomas of course from silicon valley um which just ended and i i enjoyed the ending i thought they did a good job as they say they stuck the landing good for them good for them and good for us because we got to watch it um okay look i i gotta be honest with you after we take a break we're gonna hear the number one episode voted on by the public i appreciate your candor i appreciate the bottle

city of candor where's your brain look aren't you have a real brainiac in that i'm green and you've stolen a bunch of shrunken cities yeah all right let's take a break when we come back we'll have your number one here it is time to get it done we're counting all the way down to number that is one yes that's right we are back and paul we're here at the number one episode i'm sure by process or process of elimination people have their opinions about what the number one episode is you do i wonder if you are right oh i bet i do want to whisper it to me yes okay well we'll see won't we my dear boy i better be right oh shit you fucking laugh at me like that all right well let's get to it this is voted on by you the fans this is your number one

number one all right all right here it is you're gonna be very happy to hear give me all the usual clues all right this is of course episode number 616 the number of the marvel universe what it's earth 616 what is that true ellen more is the person who established that so yes and then everyone went along with it everyone went along with it earth number is 616 all right um out of how many the million endless number this is not the new 52 where it's 52 earths and that's it this is that what the new 52 meant uh yes that was dc wasn't it that's dc they had 52 earths uh in the uh multiverse which one of them was a bitch so in any case this is 616 and this you're going to be very happy to hear this paul this is from august 26th oh it's my favorite month for things to

be from now this i feel is part of the curious clump that's why you're excited this is part of that curious clump and what my curious clump theory still stands we'll be getting to that uh uh a little later but um this is an episode called memphis kansas breeze with yacht it's the one that memphis kansas breeze is on yes yacht queen this is um this is an episode with the band yacht jonah and claire uh and we also have shondistan we've talked about quite a bit and we have carl tart and drew tarver all people that we've talked about previously on that's right uh the best ofs uh other than yacht we haven't talked about them but yacht uh they're they're nice people they came in uh and played some songs off of their new record um and then uh shondistan came on

we're not going to be hearing a clip from him because we heard mainly some rudy north on a previous clip but uh he was uh playing an archaeologist little tony diamonds but the reason why people voted for this episode clearly this is one of the biggest fan favorites in recent history of comedy bang bang uh carl tartan drew tarver came in playing their country band memphis kansas breeze um and uh just blew us all away and immediately uh people said you know this is one of their favorite episodes and people were thrilled by this thrilled by this hilarious it's so funny and brad and nick who we talked to in the last best ofs they wrote these songs for these guys and um so look why don't we just hear the clip i can sit here talking

about it but let's talk about it more afterwards i have no reasons not to so let's do it let's do it this is your number one number one please welcome to the show uh their individual names are brantley al dien and harlin haywood this is memphis kansas breeze hi guys hey everyone how y'all doing how you doing thanks for uh coming over to our genre or having our genre yeah i appreciate it yeah well what do they call those graphs that have the circles that uh you know what i'm talking about yeah bend diagram bend diagrams yeah good pull i was gonna say pie chart i was gonna say aptitude test well you know country's been hot in healthy days y'all yeah you know our name is memphis kansas breeze yeah i guess it's cooling down the the hotness of country in a way yeah yeah it is a

little bit yeah yeah kind of crossing over you know you ever worry that breeze is gonna cool you down to where you no longer have any career or yeah you know sometimes if it did if it turned up to a wind we would be maybe a little worry right but it's just a simple breeze you know you could stand let me we get you know a little bit popular sometimes okay if a breeze comes you know we're the number one uh band for uh southern guys that watch stepmom porn yeah okay it's just a very popular genre yeah very specific but huge yeah you ever sitting in your house in your underwear and you got uh two windows open on two different sides of the room yeah i get that cross breeze going all of a sudden you just get a little yeah you know that just right over the top and you're

like well that feels good and then it's as fleeting as it was pleasurable yeah yeah that's a breeze and y'all think exactly y'all that is canvass memphis breeze memphis kansas breeze okay what is that are you from two different places we are yeah he is from you say that like it's the first time you're learning this surely that winning no no no no that was that has it been predecided yeah um he is from georgia and i am from Alabama yeah okay okay what does memphis kansas have to do with uh we just there is not a memphis kansas is there there's a memphis tennessee memphis tennessee and there's a kansas estate yeah we just like how those rolled together yeah and we like barbecue and there's memphis style barbecue and there is the whole state of kansas

style barbecue right kansas city barbecue is very popular yeah so uh uh you took those three words that you're very interested in uh two of them barbecue related and one of them a weather related weather and you came up with your name yeah we were gonna be called dry rub cloud for a minute there yeah we were trying to admit our names yeah but like hey i came up with that one well kind of it did kind of i was listening to y'all say that and it reminded me of see what happened i was building a computer in my house and i got shocked you were yeah why were you building a computer from scratch because i'm not gonna go buy one from some store no we got parts laying around yeah and pulled a motor out of a 1988 delta 88 and uh okay we put it inside of a toyota camry chassis yeah sure that

sounds like why why can't we get to the internet on this thing oh that's not working damn internet wouldn't work so i just figured it was just the wrong card we put it to the other camry should have probably did a hundred cars sure yeah yeah so you got shocked yeah i got shocked real bad and i was like i am a computer now yeah so you you thought you were a computer yeah well he came to i took him to the apple store i dropped him on the genius bar exactly like can you fix it i said my friend he ain't they're like he needs to go to the hospital and they took me in the back told me i was waterlogged oh i see so they weren't gonna cover it yeah yeah okay so apple care didn't cover you yeah but we're you know we're to promote our new album yeah we got a new album coming out and

we're gonna do some new songs how many albums do you have this is a new one there's a new one how many do you have in your design oh this is your first one it's a first one okay this is our first new album it's very new yeah it's your first new album and at some point it will be your first old album that is true yeah but this is new and it is for our first album it's called small town good times with family and friends and also it's a Saturday yeah we write songs about the three things that make life worth living okay let's run them down what do we got beer beer women women and big shiny trucks okay i love all those things go ahead and hit it for us here we go yeah all right harley all right brandy

give me an all right it's saturday night time to have some fun gonna drink some beers gonna shoot my gun then i notice the date's 223 and that's a birthday to someone special to me so i got some candles and i got some cake and i told everyone to meet me by the lake i got my truck four years ago today and that makes this the truck's birthday pick up truck birthday party everyone's invited the trucks hunt their horns and they get excited pick up truck birthday party having a blast i got him a birthday cake made again instead of party has the trucks wear traffic cones and instead of birthday clowns they hire a mechanic instead of singing happy birthday trucks honk their horns some do car alarms but most honk horns honk honk trucks birthday honk honk trucks birthday

honk honk trucks birthday yeah oh oh yeah we stopped that one quick amazing you seem surprised by how no no no that was that's planned our band stops we're gonna die our band is very through their instrument on the ground yeah he had stomped on them they immediately threw up that you gotta use those later guys truly beautiful harmonies i got it thank you so much we really come in with those harmonies that one is called truck trucks birthday it's called pick up truck birthday party yeah and uh you seem uh in disagreement about what it's called i well i thought we are calling it pick up truck birthday party okay but you call it parentheses trucks birthday yeah okay and you uh the in the lyrics

the uh the cake is made of gas that's true how do you do you know what i truck one of the gas well you know you put gas in the freezer it becomes gelatinous with the gel again did you know that you put gas in the freezer it becomes gelatinous you can't just repeat what he says like you know it he knew that i didn't know if you knew it we talked about i don't know if you know it i just i knew that how old is y'all truck make you pardon how old is y'all truck right oh 1989 yeah Chevrolet oh wow okay yeah yeah big three oh huh big three is it would you celebrate the trucks creation day or the day that you bought it we celebrate the day that we bought it so that's four years ago we bought it it was 26 years yeah a truck is not a truck is not a truck at conception it matures no yes when you

had it fun fact scott for you scott and yacht uh that song right there has won every award at the cma's for the past three years yeah congratulate me just it's not even out yet we waited we're the only people at the podium that's the thing i think like sometimes the oscars come out and there's no good movies that year yeah just go back to the previous year give one you know to pull them back up on stage it's like a king of the hill situation you know you i don't know what that means you the game king of the hill like you fight on the top of the hill you stand on a hill okay because there's a movie king of the hill there's a tv show king of the hill it is a child's game where you stand on an actual hill okay and you are king of the hill until somebody can push you off oh okay so just

every year the the oscars or the cma's just goes like well nothing better came along exactly yeah we barely even left the stage we keep walking down the stairs but there we go again we turn around we go back up there takes you a long time to get back up there huh it does yeah i got a bad knee okay and i am a computer you still think you're a computer y'all can't tell did you know if you put gas in the freezer it becomes gelatinous okay i believe i heard that around the same time that you heard it oh i don't know i knew that i knew that let's go ahead and sing another one for you got another one for us okay let's go ahead and do one more go ahead and hit it bad oh just one more two oh yeah harlan oh yeah bradley you got time to give me one

oh yes god no all right there once was a girl truck who didn't get invited to the truck school dance no one asked her she had to stay at home alone crying tears made a gas the most popular truck in school invited her to the prom as a joke all the job trucks were gonna look at her and laugh at her expense but then the boy truck took off the girl truck's glasses and realized just how pretty she was he learned that you can't judge a truck based solely on its appearance because it's what's inside the truck that matters the most you gotta open up the hood to see what kind of engines inside then they both got elected king and queen of the truck prom dance truck prom dance truck truck prom dance to be me honk to be honk me to be honk me

honk me to honk me to be honk honk me honk yeah oh my god they should break those instruments and they throw them down that yeah they threw them down you dumped them in a trash and what was that one called all right that one right there was called it has an obvious title i'm wondering if you agree on it that was called truck prom dance parentheses girl invited to the truck prom dance i created these titles parentheses just like y'all had uh booty games the whole title is in the parenthesis yeah well that's uh that's a little bit of my doing uh as i i'm ai right yeah alan iverson and uh and how is the how popular is that one as popular as the other one or not as popular

dead tie yeah in a dead heat really you dead tie you can't that neck and neck really so it wins the exact same award photo finish with them songs and before you guys even say it yeah i know what you're all thinking we know what y'all think that was not directly taken from the plot of movie she's all that yeah it seemed very similar the uh rachel cook film uh freddy prince jr is he in that i can't recall we don't know what she's all that is all right that's a real thing that happened to an actual truck yeah yeah wow this is amazing i didn't realize that's got trucks make people so emotional yeah that tears in your eyes it's a real thing we saw we we used to be substitute teachers at a high school yeah yeah you would think you would think uh the trucks are the students and the

trucks would be the teachers but humans humans are the teachers and is this is this school before they get sold to the owners so that they're made at the factories and then they go through school you gotta go through school i told you we bought our truck it was 26 years old so it had already gone through high school college got a master's degree and so graduate school oh my god yeah yeah so do you guys have another song we do yeah we got one last one this is the last one i couldn't this is the last one couldn't get you to do two more no we're trying to leave it up to the imagination what the next one will be all right yeah let's go ahead and hit that all right brant lee oh right harlan i came home from work to see my wife crying on the couch

my wife is a truck and when she cries she honks honk honk truck wife said honey i'm pregnant so i held her by her side mirror which is her hand and then i gazed into her when she held eyes i said i'll be proud to be the dad of your truck baby then the truck gave birth right then and there out of her tailpipe which is her pussy squirting out the tailpipe what did i see a little baby truck that looks sort of like me it was a full-size truck covered in human skin it started screaming in a human voice it said please kill me i'm constantly in pain why do i exist please in my life i said no you're my son and i'm proud to be the father to this human skin truck baby human skin truck baby human skin truck baby skin truck skin truck human skin truck baby

yeah yeah to beep beep honk to honk honk beep to beep honk boop beep boop right left right left blinkers on the car thank you thank you so much y'all got me y'all got me to most of know right now hey thank you that got me thinking about my family yeah yeah and your father jim parson my father that that's on really touched me oh my goodness real song right and your mother johnny galecki right of course she changed her name can i ask why in the second song do trucks cry gas and in that song they cry by honking well you know trucks are you can't just trucks do different things oh i know all the same trucks are not a monolith okay so there's uh you know in between with trucks you know there's uh you're getting very serious here i think everyone

is wondering one very specific question uh so you are having sex with your truck remember we told you we were substitute teachers at a truck high school yeah well we slipped up oh yeah we you fell in love we fucked up you fell in love with some of these trucks yeah we was in there and they had that you know a truck with a step side yeah and got that like it's a real curvy truck and they're supposed to be showing those step sides at the high skin no they supposed to have rules against that they supposed to have on calves on the truck back cabs but you love your curvy truck i love my curvy truck yeah i gotta say you guys very much they'll treat these trucks and if they are people you've answered for morpheus and it's like it's always like a comedic hilarious comedic the

but you know we are real people you guys are real i can see you i'm looking right at you yeah i'm looking right although you haven't brought your truck well i mean here's what i here's what i know if you put gas in the freezer it becomes okay all right look number one there you go there that is how you do it truck birthday it's friday night truck birthday party um so good so that song was in my head for a really long time yeah and this specifically the part so i got some candles and i got some cake just that yeah yeah uh because normally if you were talking you would say so i got some candles and cake but to fit the meter of the song it's very soggy yeah yeah it's almost like you made two trips so i got some candles went home and went back and got some realized i should

get the things to put the candles on yeah um well that was great uh and we had such fun with these guys they came up to live in toronto in toronto they did they uh uh as bill riley did it they uh fucked it and did it live we fucked and did it live um and uh so yeah a clear clear favorite no no doubt that it would be a number one in fact let's in classic let's go through some of the stats oh do you want to go through some of the stats of the voting this year yeah okay i feel like it would be rude to say no okay we got over 30 000 votes this year nice and three out of four people voted for memphis kansas breeze 75 percent of the people voted for kansas breeze that's the best so it was it was pretty much a landslide um uh that one was the clear winner the entire time

actually the rankings did not move very much right from the the eligibility people voted for about two weeks this time and it was pretty much the same a lot of years they move up they move down you never know it makes it hard to plan this show but pretty much these episodes were pretty clearly um the in the order that they were in from the beginning i bet because of the descriptions maybe because of the descriptions it helped people um now people can't see how well the episodes are doing no rankings they have no idea they have no idea no um so let's talk about the months that had the most like the the greatest runs obviously those curious clumps that curious clump it's very curious to me august had three episodes in the top 15 three of the four eligible

episodes went ended up in the top 15 so that's a great clump um december january march and october each had two episodes end up in the top 15 decent clump february may june and july had one of their episodes end up in the top 15 not a great clump and then april september and november zero not even a clump not even a clump not even one yeah terrible clumping um so obviously the the greatest run in there was the june july august uh we got five of those episodes in the top 15 so that was pretty impressive there um as i said earlier uh two episodes from december ended up which you know was was pretty incredible because that never happens do you know what i think it is school vacation school vacation school vacation all the performers were off from school for the

summer oh and they had christmas break obviously that's what it is and then those other months everyone's back in school obviously this solves it all yes let's talk about certain performers um there are a lot of people who ended up in one of the episodes in the top 15 but these people ended up in two we have tim balts carl tart will hinds shon no sorry but these ended up in the top two we have jessica mackenna andy daily john gabris drew tarver and thomas middleditch they were all in two episodes in our top 10 now in three episodes we have tim balts carl tart will hinds and shon diston they all ended up had three episodes in our top 15 very nice very nice uh jason manzukas was in four of the episodes in our top 15 very nice and the undisputed winner in

five of the top 15 we have paul lefton himself made the most appearances in our top 15 well i couldn't have done it without having been on the show that's true and in fact you were in less episodes than you normally are in a in a in a year it's true i believe you were only on seven episodes and five of those turned out to be in our best thing well i'm glad to have been a part of such fun yes you're in the live episodes of course which sort of make up for it um makes up for it certainly so uh some good stats some good stats and thank you for providing those stats i always like to provide the stats yeah you do you do like to do that i do like to provide the stats yeah every party there's always like everybody be quiet shut up the party stats party stats of the hors d'oeuvres

put out well that is that's gonna do it another year in the books we did it man you know what i mean i mean uh it really uh it was a good year i thought oh the other the other stat i wanted to mention is a lot of years there are certain episodes that no one even votes for um this year every episode got a healthy amount of votes so pretty consistent year i would say so it looks like the one big stat that we can take away from this is love love the biggest stat of all i thought this was a great year i had a ball doing comedy bambing this year i hope that uh you all enjoyed it listening from from your voting it seemed like you did those are some great clips great episodes uh and uh you know so i want to thank you the listeners for for listening to it it's a pleasure to be on this

ride with you for however long it goes this feels like uh and you know an unending roller coaster sometimes with the ups the downs the loop-de-loops what's past is history the future's a mystery i am a history and you are a history okay she should have ended after the first two lines it felt like they needed two more lines and i guess i was wrong um paul i want to thank you for being a part of comedy bambing not only this year 2019 but also uh every year um it's uh you're one of the uh few people if not the only person where um can't imagine doing the show without you uh were i to have to sure would i soldier on and try to of course okay no but uh uh obviously doing these at the end of the year is uh a lot of fun but uh also your

presence on the show so much uh means a lot to to me and i'm sure the fans uh so thank you very much well scott thank you for having me be a part of this for so long i've said it before and i will say it again that the hours that i have spent laughing in this room i count as among the happiest i have spent in my life thank you paul thank you scott um and to the listeners of course uh the the mere fact that the show just keeps on growing and more and more people listen to it uh is is so flattering um so i really want to thank all of you for listening and i want to thank everyone here uh eddier wolf who makes the show happen um from the metadata to putting it up on the hosting files to the pinging of itunes no obviously they it's much more complicated than that but uh we've

had three engineers just even doing these best ofs they've been doing it in shifts why don't we do this in shifts yeah why don't we get substitutes okay kevin and you song in here everyone here at ear wolf uh who supports the show uh really want to thank you and um i think 2020 uh you know who knows what's in store for us but uh we're gonna need comedy for sure certainly this is gonna be a tough year i would imagine um but i look forward to doing it next year uh or this year actually because we're in january and uh we'll we'll be there along with you trying to make you laugh and get through whatever you're getting through uh every monday and occasional thursdays um so thank you all uh i also thank you all so say we all and as we do always we as we do all well first we one of

our uh one traditions we haven't talked about it of course is notorious power bottom eponese or screws we need to we need to mention him we should mention him just give me a shout out i wish we'd gotten him in during christmas week but oh well but here he is yes we're thinking about you evan these are screws we're definitely thinking about always thinking about you let's play this snowman game and see what happens one more time here we go here we go that is the thing that you need to hit in order to go all right he's singing the snowman is now twirling and oh right on paul right on paul amazing right on me yeah oh oh do kevin do sam come on guys come on here we go no to nobody one more one more one more look at the booth look at the booth you

motherfucker whoa right on sam kevin should all the quaintants be forgot and never brought to mind should all the quaintants be forgot and lives of old langzine oh we'll take a cup of kindness then for old langzine thanks everyone we'll see you next year bye