Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Aisling Bea, Paul F. Tompkins, Madeline Walter (Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber)
Episode Date: July 11, 2024This is part 6 of our Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber series. Comedian and kind person Aisling Bea joins Scott to talk about the new season of her Hulu series This Way Up, the new Disney+ movie Home Swe...et Home Alone, and to perform obscure song impressions. Then, songwriter Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber returns to promote a very good television program. Plus, ad agency creative director Brenda Tattletale stops by to tattletale secrets about products she’s worked on.
Transcript
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Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman,
host of Comedy Bang Bang,
and welcome to another bonus bang,
bonus bangs being, of course,
episodes that we've previously recorded
that we're re-releasing from out from,
from out, from out, out from, out from,
behind the paywall.
And this is a good one.
This concludes our series that we are calling
The Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber.
This is episode number 734 called Elderly Whisperer.
Elderly Whisperer.
And this features a friend of the show.
She's a recent friend of the show.
She's been on it exactly once.
She's a member of the one-timers club, Aisling B.
It also has Madeline Walter.
And as she's playing Brenda Tattletail.
And it has, of course, Paul F. Tompkins
as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
This is a really fun, fun episode.
You're gonna enjoy it.
And of course, if you like what you hear
and wanna hear the entire CBB Archive,
you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com
where you can find every single episode that we've recorded,
including all of the live episodes.
We're gonna be back next week with a new episode of CBB.
Until then, enjoy comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang,
comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang,
comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang.
Like my mom on her birthday, stuff me like a turkey.
My mom was a turkey.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.
Hmm, interesting.
I mean, apropos for the season, certainly,
but does it make sense?
Like my mom on her birthday stuffed me like a turkey.
My mom was a turkey.
Okay, yeah, I guess it does.
Thank you so much to Ska Lap Drums,
Ska Lap Drums for that catchphrase submission.
And by the way, speaking of catchphrase submissions,
I beg of you, we have several catchphrase superstars
out there submitting regularly. Can anyone else please submit? I love the catchphrase superstars,
but I don't want to constantly rely on them. And you know, you have people whose names
are like, you know, Butt Fart Island is submitting a lot, you know, it's like, I'd rather just
stay away from these.
That's actually an old German name.
Is it really? Yeah, they're going to email in angrily. Excuse me, it's like I'd rather just stay away from these. That's actually an old German name. And is it really?
Yeah, they're going to email in angrily.
Excuse me.
That's actually my name.
Oh, my God. You do a great German accent.
Oh, I don't. Is that a popular thing to do?
Yeah. Yes.
Is it? Well, I mean, it's it's not.
I don't think you can be canceled for it.
Yeah. Yeah.
One of the last few bastions of the things you can do.
In fact, I might even continue with the rest of this interview
and see how it goes down.
You do a ton of accents and I'll introduce you in a second, but before we get to your
introduction I want to talk about your accents.
The silliest one is the one you were born with.
You are an Irish lass, are you not? And that is what we're hearing.
Tis true, tis true, Scott. I am an Irish lass from Ireland.
There are certain, and I'll introduce you in just one moment.
Oh, keep it, maybe or never.
I, you know, I did that with Samantha Bee.
We didn't say her name until it was the very last thing we said on the show.
We said Samantha Bee is here.
But there are, there are gradations of the Irish accent.
Is there not?
Because you can say Irish is gradations.
People sometimes go like, I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know if a gradations is a technical term in linguistics for like.
It should be though.
Do you agree with that?
At least?
At least do you agree with that, Aisling, or are you going to be difficult at every
turn?
I do disagree. I think radiation suggests more difficulty for an American to understand.
Is that what you're trying to suggest?
You're going to have to put this in some kind of way I can understand.
Now that's an American accent, is it not?
As in normal.
Yes, the baseline.
Baseline mainstream accent is American.
So I'll translate sometimes.
I suppose, yeah, it depends on where you're from.
I remember I lived with my grandfather who had Parkinson's
for the last two years of his life.
And when I first moved in,
I couldn't understand what he was saying
because his speech had gotten very difficult.
And by the end, there's this film,
I can't remember what it is, but I'm pretty sure. Cool Runnings? No, no, we're
no way close there, Scott, but great to guess before any clues have been given. Okay, I
just, there was this movie. I thought there were some clues, context clues. There was
this movie. Oh, you mean Cool Runnings? No, it's with Antonian Banderas and there's a
montage of him slowly learning the language.
Is that what it is in the past?
He just sits around a fireside with a load of people who've captured him and he sort
of watches over the night and then eventually he's like, but it's a little bit of a beast
to do it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, the 13th warrior?
Maybe.
As in he just learns the language of his captors quickly.
I don't know. Yeah, I'm searching through the Rolodex of Antonio Banderas being captured
with captors movies. And all I can think of is The Thirteenth Warrior. But then again,
it must be that one because it sounds like it was a bit set in the past. Yeah.
In the modern day tale. Perhaps, perhaps.
But over our sequence of time, he eventually learns his captor's language. And I'm not saying
my granddad was my captor in any way, but over a sequence of time, eventually learns his captor's language and I'm not saying my granddad was my captor in any way but over a sequence of time I just suddenly
started becoming like an elderly person whisperer and to this day it's not even
an old Irish person if there's an elderly person struggling with speech I
get it I can hear them I can hear what they're saying
and you know what I want to just you, what did you just say right there? I don't even know what I want.
I just wouldn't mind a bit of dinner.
Right. Okay.
Interesting. I would love to, I would love to grow old
and have you still, you and I still be friends.
I'm assuming we're going to start a very close friendship right now.
Yeah, but it sounds like what you're looking for is a nurse, an Irish nurse.
Could be, yeah, perhaps.
I will introduce you.
Of course, we have, she is a stand-up comedian.
She's an actress.
She's a panelist on panel shows.
She is a writer and a producer and she has a...
Kind.
Oh, and now we're just listing, like, emotional qualities?
I thought we should throw it in because I don't think people focus on those things anymore.
Oh, okay, she's very kind, she came in with a smile, she is a light bubbly presence that
fills up a room.
Oh my god!
Those are more important than jobs, right?
I mean, when we die, we're gonna be, you know,
people aren't gonna be like,
oh, it's too bad another actress died.
No, they're gonna say, oh, what a wonderful person she was.
Where are we gonna get them now?
Are we gonna fill those void characters in movies?
But she has a, the second series of her show,
This Way Up is on Hulu right now,
and I would imagine the first series is as well.
Yeah, thank God.
It's not like when the second one goes up,
they go, hey, delete that first one.
If you didn't catch it fast enough, sorry guys.
Yes, the first series and the second series
of This Way Up are all on Hulu.
This Way Up, and we'll talk about that in a second,
but she also has a new movie on Disney Plus
called Home Sweet Alabama. What is it? What
the hell is this movie called again? Sorry, I laughed very close to the mic there and I feel
like that might have been. No, no, no, no. We actually you want to be right up on these ones.
Oh, do you? Yes, much better. There we go.
Yeah, it's called Home Sweet Alabama Home Alone. I think Disney will come in and say something nasty
to me if I don't say that properly. Home Sweet Home Alone. Home Sweet Home Alone Alone. I think Disney will come in and say something nasty to me if I don't say that properly.
Home Sweet Home Alone.
Home Sweet Home Alone, which I saw last night.
Did you with your kids?
No.
I banned them from the room.
I'm like, get out.
Daddy's working.
Got to watch this goddamn movie.
Isn't it weird that the idea of a grown man watching it on his own in a room?
Isn't that terrible? Yeah. That's where we've gotten to. You forgot idea of a grown man watching it on his own in a room? Isn't that terrible?
Yeah.
That's where we've gotten to.
You forgot to say a lonely man.
Oh, a lonely, a lonely home alone lone man.
Yes.
Watching home sweet home alone alone.
But please welcome to the show for the first time and I'm realized that we didn't have
the conversation where I exactly nailed down how to say your first name, but I'm going
to give it a go here.
But please welcome Aisling, no, Aisling B.
Yay! I took a try and here. But please welcome Aisling, no, Aisling B.
Yay!
I took a try and then, it's that AI of it.
It is.
That's what I said to Hayley Joel Osment once.
Yeah. Because of his movie AI.
For Honey Joel Osment, as we might say.
Yes, he really put the AI in Hayley Joel Osment, didn't he?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Scott, that's very good.
That sounds like a fake laugh.
Yeah, no. I'm tired of people coming in here and fake laughing
at me.
Do you know what? I stopped halfway through my laugh out of respect because the first
part of my laugh was at the joke and the second part was me as a colleague going, give me
a little support.
Well done. Yeah. I'm like, that is lovely.
Appreciate it.
And yes, Ashling B. It, Ashling B. Ashling B.
It's actually the gradations of my name
because of my culture.
Yes.
So it's gone too far down the gradation
of what you would enjoy.
It's like Ashley, but it's with a Ling instead.
Ling at the end.
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
But what fools you is the way it's spelled.
It's a tricky business.
It's like some sort of puzzle or some sort of maze.
And if you get to the end and you say it correctly, you win.
Yeah. It's like, it's show business is a tricky business.
So why not have a name? That's like, you know, a bit difficult.
This name says, Hey, pay attention to me.
Yeah. Or don't try. Just skirt over it somehow and see if it doesn't come up.
Now I watched this movie last night, this home, home alone.
So fuck home sweet home sweet home. Now I watched this movie last night, this Home Alone, fuck, Home Sweet Home.
I'm not going to help you because it teaches him how to fish and then forevermore he'll
I love fish.
Own a butcher, fish butchers.
But it's a, I guess it's a, well it's said in the Home Alone-iverse, certainly,
because there's a character from Home Alone. I'm not going to say who.
I think we're allowed.
You are allowed.
Devin Retray, the actor Devin Retray.
Yes. He plays the brother of McCully Culkin's character.
He is now all grown up.
He's the person that you want to see if you're going to see one of the actors
from the original.
He's very funny. Yeah, he's a really good actor. But this
movie, I turned it on for research because you were gonna be on the
show, but then it has a lot of our buds and homies in it and I really
enjoyed this. It's got Rob Delaney and Ellie Kemper are the two, they're the sort of
the Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern of this movie. You have Andy Daly, you have Pete Holmes, you have who?
Kenan Thompson.
Kenan's in it!
Tim V. Simons.
Tim Simons, of course! Friend of the show. Has he been on the show?
Ali Mackie, being hilarious. Who else is in it? Oh, God, this is it's almost like name one
person or 12, isn't it? I mean, I guess we don't have to name every single actor who's
in the show. But but I was laughing. I think it's funnier than the original. And as far
as I'm concerned, like it has actual good jokes and good performances. Oh, okay. Yeah,
I really enjoyed it. So check that out to everyone.
Did you have a good time making it? It's first of all, I got to ask, is it was it shot in
England because so no, so many Montreal, we did have a good time as much as he can have
a good time. But we started it in take yourselves back to February when you could cough 2020. February 2020, no.
So you guys are getting all the all the like news of the day.
Yeah. While you're making this fun family film.
One of the last scenes I did was in an airport with 800 supporting artists,
aka extras to anyone who's not in showbiz.
I mean, who are those people?
But and I was really why do they bother?
Yeah, I know. You know what I mean?
Suppose someone needs to.
I mean, what are other jobs?
Well, I I have to say, I have to I have to give shout outs to the
the listeners of this show who are mainly just like plumbers and janitors and stuff.
Like we took a poll recently, we took a survey.
It's all like people who clean shit for a living is like, OK,
I guess that's our demographic anyway. So I hope.
Actually, real skills, though, to be fair.
Like, I often think anyone can do it.
It's just we don't want to.
That is not true.
Anyone can. And we say sitting around talking into a microphone
with no great plan.
Nobody else could do this.
I think that's a special skill, whereas anyone could just like wipe
shit out of a toilet.
Do you see the people who survive if you ever watch any apocalyptic movie? It is never the
performers. I actually, I would like to see that instead, a Walking Dead type series where
it's just like a band of actors who have, actually I think there was a, I'm saying actually
by the way, not your name, but I turn around like a dog when I hear actually, I'm like, yes, all the time.
What about love?
Ashley, about me? Yes. Yes. Love, Ashley.
Is that a thing?
Should that be a thing? I wish it was love, comma, Ashley, love,
or just love, Ashley.
Like in its direct order.
Yeah. Yeah. What do you think about that?
To work that way, though, because people love that movie in your home country.
It's not my home country, it's the United States.
Wherever, you know, wherever they made it.
Oh Scott.
Good to him getting cancelled in Ireland.
Oh no.
A lot of plumbers there.
Oh my god, Scott.
What a to do.
I do think they're very valid.
Oh, there is a, love actually is very important.
I think you were, here's a weird thing
I'm gonna try and predict.
Were you about to suggest the book Station Eleven,
where a band of actors sort of do survive a pandemic?
Sure.
Oh, okay.
No, what are you talking about?
I could see your eyes go black.
I'm playing along, but I, but you weren't really your eyes went dead.
Station 11.
It's called is it station 11 and it's being turned into a TV series, which is out soon.
And it's a brilliant book.
And it was a New York Times bestseller all about and it was it came out just before roughly
before the pandemic.
And it's all about like a a cough wiping out the population.
And you know, I was one of those people who watched Contagion and everything as soon as the thing hit just to kind of get ahead of what was going to happen.
Yeah, although this one didn't come from, you know, pork. I don't mean to spoil the end of
Contagion. I mean, of course it came from, you know, people having sex with bats in China, but.
You know, we're just pork with souls.
So it did come from pork. That's a good point.
Yeah. We're all just pork with souls.
We're more pork than dolphin, you know?
Good point. And I always say that.
Have you ever tried to bounce one of those balls on your nose?
Well, not enough about my social life.
What?
Hey!
Hey!
Yeah!
Hold on, I'm gonna run around the room
and high-fiving everyone.
Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, hold on. I'm going to run around the room and high fiving everyone. Oh, man, that was satisfying.
Um, but yes, I would like to see the show where the actors survive, like whatever.
I feel like there's a Walking Dead season where the dude with the lion.
Oh, oh yeah. The guy with the lion.
Oh, oh yeah. The guy with the line.
Yeah, that, but that, but there was a further walking dead season where like
a violinist survived and, and I was just like immediately annoyed by him.
Maybe the zombies couldn't, maybe the zombies couldn't handle going near
his like pity party.
It's harder for me.
It was the world's tiniest violin.
Well, music does soothe that savage breast, does it not?
My two are always soothed by my two savage breasts.
What's your favorite song of all time?
Savage Garden.
Yeah, it's good.
Because it reminds me of my savage breasts. And how soothed they are.
And how soothed they are by music all the time.
Savage Garden, where do they go? Are they alright?
I hope they're okay, although you know, you don't expect really a lot of those people who were doing it 30 years ago to really still be out there sometimes.
Or did they just do one? Like if you can get one hit, oh, imagine that life.
Man. there sometimes, you know? Or did they just do one? Like if you can get one hit, oh, imagine that life.
Man.
Just like, cause I could still say,
I wanna watch, I wanna watch them be a fan.
And you know what the song is.
You're not like, what's that?
You're like, oh yeah, he lives in.
Especially the way you're doing it,
I mean, you're doing a spot on impression of it.
Oh, that's my skill is impressions of songs
that no one cares about.
What else do you have?
I'd love to hear them.
Oh, you probably don't know.
Do you know moving, M People? M'd love to hear them. Oh, you probably don't know. Do you know moving and people?
And people, they were big.
Moving on up, I'm moving on up.
Time to get ready.
Nothing can stop me.
Great.
I suppose throw out one, Scott.
Any song?
Okay.
Do you do any Spice Girls?
Oh, I can do specific people within songs. Okay. Do you do any Spice Girls? Oh, I can do specific people within songs.
Okay.
Sometimes like, I'm giving you everything that you can be. Yes, I swear.
That's a bit, that was supposed to be Sporty Spice, but it didn't work out because I had too much natural wine last night. You sound good. Are you an actual singer?
Oh, no, it wasn't one of the bios that you listed out.
No, it was not. But I would love to add it to your repertoire. I mean, you're actually
really good at it.
I just thought maybe Mel B in one.
Mel Brooks?
No, not Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks, who had that song.
What if he came out with a big press release? He's like, I'm 98 years old.
I now want to be known as Mel B.
And I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
Yeah, no, I can't think of one of the songs quick enough.
Go on, go do one.
I do. Let's see. I do Edwin Collins.
You want to hear a little bit of that?
I absolutely don't know who Edwin Collins is.
From Orange Juice?
What? Here we go.
Melville really helped her like you. I know who you mean now.
I know who you mean.
Okay.
How about Brian Ferry?
Here we go.
I never meant to hurt you.
Lovely.
I never meant to make you cry.
Oh lovely.
What do you think?
That's made me think of, I remember when I was a kid, I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl.
I was a little girl. I was a little girl. I was a little girl. I was a little girl. I was a little girl. to make you cry. Oh, lovely.
What do you think?
That's that's made me think of
I remember I used to try and do all of the people in.
Do you remember that charity version of It's Such a Perfect Day?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they'd throw and, you know, it was a good kind of like
Bono would come in and go, oh, it's such a perfect day.
And then someone would come in and go, I, it's such a perfect day. And then be someone coming on, I'm glad I spent it with you.
And it was just like, what note do they give everyone to make sure?
Such a perfect day.
You just keep me hanging on.
Who's that? I love that one.
I don't know that one, but I knew I was in there.
Can you do M people doing perfect day?
Oh, it's such a perfect day.
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Or any like maybe an Ellie Golding who I have become pals with who's very sweet.
But good disclaimer.
Oh, it's such a perfect day. You just keep me hanging on. You just keep me high.
And then there's just a little nap at the end.
Oh, I love it.
We have to talk about
your show This Way Up.
Oh, please.
Because it is out on Hulu now.
And you spent last night watching it alone, didn't you?
No, no, I brought the kids in for that.
Come on in, kids.
I'm done watching Home Alone.
Now, this show has Sharon
Horgan, the great Sharon Horgan, who of course people know from Catastrophe and so many great
shows and, but this is your baby. You created this, right? And you are the star.
Well, no, come on.
I mean, stars shine bright in the sky and you certainly are amongst them.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to think of myself as a giant moon.
Never know how to predict it.
Ruin everyone's emotions.
What is this show about?
Give us give us the sort of elevator pitch meets
extended remix of the elevator pitch, if you know what I mean.
How to engage Scott pitch in watching it.
Yeah, and if my eyes ever kind of drift off to the left, you're losing me.
Oh God.
Do something to get me back.
Okay, but right now I'm focused.
I might have to sing, can I sing my way through?
Sure, sure.
So this way up, okay Scott, stay with me.
I'm locked in.
It starts off in a rehab facility.
Oh, women and emotions, what now?
It says Scott's imagination.
But it's basically the story of two sisters getting through life.
So it's a hard one to explain, you know, there's no...
Are the sisters in the rehab facility or is it only one of them?
So it starts after, I suppose it starts after the catastrophe, as it were, if you're to
connect it to catastrophe and Sharon.
And really it's just about a sisterly relationship.
Sometimes you're like, oh, nothing happens.
But I wrote a show where I hoped it would make a comedy about loneliness because it's
one of those subjects that feels like the opposite of comedy.
And you know, I mean, everyone's writing about mental illness these days, just like, do something new.
I feel like everyone has it.
Am I right?
Yeah, especially after the pandemic.
And what I felt was...
We've all undergone such trauma.
We don't even realize it yet.
We're all walking around like going like, why do I feel so shitty all the time?
It's because it's because we our lives were have been horrible for us for a number of
years and slowly but surely like sort sort of water drops of pressure therapy
and I think we're all a little bit scared to say we feel bad
because we know so many people have had it way worse
but it doesn't mean that what maybe happened hasn't very much affected you.
And I suppose what I wanted to do was try to make a show that would be accessible and funny
rather than deal with the subject matters in such a maudlin fashion because that's not
how I get through life or do it or any of my friends do.
So you've dealt with this in your life and you found yourself dealing with it with humor
and you said, hey, what if I filmed this?
Yeah, just put a camera on it.
Maybe we could get two cameras,
depending on, you know, if we're improving.
No, only one, okay.
Single camera shoot.
One day we had the budget for that,
but this is not America where we made it.
So I wrote it all by pen.
By pen, really?
You don't final draft, nothing?
No, I absolutely final draft.
That was me making a gentle gag.
Oh, Scott Kibbup!
I don't understand humor. I'm sorry. Unless it appeals to the plumbers and janitors who
listen to this show. You got to dumb it down for them.
It's about someone's life going down the toilet and trying to flush out their mental
health. A bad mental health.
So you and Sharon are the sisters, the aforementioned sisters.
Exactly. And one other thing I wanted to do was show people who were funny and make each
other laugh, what the characters are. Because sometimes what I felt I would often see was
characters who would make the audience laugh, but in the serious situations. Whereas I wanted
to write funny people being funny with each other and making them laugh. So Onya, my character
who I play and that's spelled A-I-N-E with an accent over the A.
Oh my God.
Okay, Scott, stay with me.
Legitimately, like when I'm writing something,
writing the character's name is the hardest thing.
How did you come up with it?
The reason it's Onya and Shona
is because I wrote it for me and Sharon
and AI is the first two letters of my name
and SH is the first two letters of Sharon.
This is easy now.
Yeah, I got to most of my days. All I gotta do is write it for, okay, so.
Scoot.
My next movie, Keanu, I guess the first two names are K,
or two letters are K-E. Ken and Scoot.
Ken, yes, Ken and Scoot!
Me and Keanu!
They'll never know.
I want that to be the title too, Ken and Scoot.
How legitimately, how surprised would you be if within nine months
that movie was suddenly on billboards?
Not at all. I'll just be really annoyed if I can't even get like a casting.
It just suddenly suddenly I thought of the names that it just came to me
and it all came together so quickly.
But Ken and Scoot does like I'm walking around L.A.
at the moment and there's billboards everywhere for red notice. And I can see Ken and Scoot does, like I'm walking around L.A. at the moment and there's billboards everywhere for Red Notice and I can see Ken and Scoot. Yeah,
Ken and Scoot is the spiritual sequel to Red Notice in a lot of ways when you think about
it. Ah boy, well, but yes, it is called this way up. This way up is out and because when
you look at something, it says this way up on a
box because you don't know what's inside a lot of the time and something fragile
could be inside and that's sort of like with humans or life you've really
thought about this oh my god this way up is on Hulu right now two series are out
right now and of course home sweet home keep. Alone is out there on Disney Plus.
We have to take a break if that's okay,
but we have a big show.
Coming up a little later,
we have a creative director at an ad agency.
Have you ever spoken to a creative director
at an ad agency?
I have many times and they use more words than me.
It's great.
It's fun?
Yeah.
Okay, we're gonna have fun.
We also have a writer will be coming up next.
So that's interesting, right?
You're the writer.
We might have something in common.
You probably do have something in common.
I think this is a person who's written a few things.
A few things that have been mainly-
Well received?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
A few things that have been on the stage.
I think, oh, we wrote a movie that was out
a couple of years ago.
We'll talk to him about that. Anything involving animals? Cause they're the only ones I watch. No, yeah, I think he know, a few things that have been on the stage. I think, oh, we wrote a movie that was out a couple of years ago. We'll talk to him about that.
Anything involving animals, because they're the only ones I watch.
No, yeah, I think he's done something with an animal.
Yeah. So, yeah, we'll talk to him about that.
We will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang.
More Ashling B. We'll be right back after this. Woohoo!
Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.
Ashling B is here this way up on Hulu, Home Sweet Home Alone is here on Disney Plus.
Also you can get her, was it a quarter hour
of standup on Netflix or?
I thought you said court order.
I was like, oh, don't mention that.
Was it a court order?
Have you ever received a court order?
Yes, I did jury duty just before the pandemic hit.
Really? Yeah.
Who did you send to the electric chair?
Well, you know what?
He didn't deserve it, but I wanted to see what it was like.
If you are in there in that jury, you so seldom get the opportunity
to sentence someone to death.
I would just be so tempted to do it.
Well, they did not appreciate it when I stood up and said, death, your honor,
about a sort of minor drug offense,
because also it's not an option in the UK, but that didn't stop me trying to give it a go.
So you did it in the UK, really?
Yeah, I did it in the UK.
And do you know what was weird?
I thought I watched an episode of Schitt's Creek
where someone got called up for jury duty.
And I was like, hmm, I wonder if that's a thing
that happens in the UK.
And that day the letter came through.
Whoa. Yeah, it was really weird.
That's like when you are watching something on TV
and suddenly all of your like Twitter
suggestions, it's like they're listening to you. Yeah, the government algorithm, which surely can't be a thing.
Did you get vaccinated?
Okay, yeah, they're listening to you.
The radios are in my blood.
Oh no. Well, look, we have to get to our next guest. He's a writer and you're very excited
because you're a writer. So, oh, he's been on the show before I'm remembering.
He's written, let's see, he wrote
this thing called Phantom of the Opera.
This is the worst introduction you have ever given me.
And that is saying something.
I'm sorry.
I just, yeah.
And now that you're speaking to me,
I'm remembering your voice.
Scotrick, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, you're a great writer.
Is that better?
Oh, thank you.
Do you think so?
Am I really that good?
Why are we, as hosts, forced to give compliments
during introductions?
Can't I just be factual?
Do you know why?
And it's a bit of showbiz, if I may pass this on to you.
It's to make people interested
in the person you're talking to.
I've never had that skill on this whole show.
No, I noticed.
Oh, hello.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Aisling, this is, maybe you've heard of him.
Yeah, have you seen him on television or something? I'm so sorry. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm so starstruck, so I'm sorry, Aisling, this is, maybe you've heard of him. Yeah, have you seen him on television or something?
I'm so sorry.
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
I'm so starstruck, so I'm gonna be able to.
Oh, you're starstruck by him?
Yeah.
I am immortal, my dear girl.
I put on my medals and my ermine cape,
just like anyone else would.
Wow, it's truly an honor.
Cause I- Really?
He must be like a big deal where you're from or something.
Cause here we only know him as a podcast
guest on this show
What are you? What are you doing? I mean what else have you done?
That's really done well out here that that cat's movie, but I don't think you've been on that was not
He who must not be named that was not my fault. Is that the Voldemort of your entire uvra?
Yes, it was never made to be captured on film. It's unnerving.
Well then why did you sign the rights away?
Well, money.
Oh, okay.
I have a castle or two to upkeep, dear boy.
Do they pay you in pounds?
They pay me in gold.
What?
I am paid in a chest. It's like the pirate's chest you see in a fish tank, where it's overflowing with gold.
Do they have one of those scuba divers next to it too?
He that's who delivers it.
He's got the big circular helmet
with the window in the front, yes.
And he's like, blah, from your agency.
Yes, and the bubbles are flowing up.
They should bring those back.
You know how they keep bringing back old cars
and put like new inside them?
Have they been cancelled?
Well Lord Andrew.
Hold on a second. I'd like to speak to the young lady.
Okay.
Oh my God.
Did I detect it sounds like an accent?
Yes, your honor. Yes.
And are you from Ireland?
I am. I am your honor. Yes.
How do I put this directly? Which one?
Oh, the free one.
The southern one.
The southern republic. I might get in trouble for actually saying that.
I see.
The Republic of Ireland, the south.
Well, as long as you're close to the Queen geographically, that's all I care about.
You've been near her at points in your life, I would imagine.
Oh, let's go around the table and say, what's the closest we've been to the Queen?
Oh, I love this game.
I'll go first.
She stood right in front of me and put a sword on my shoulder.
Yeah, I don't think that we're going to have similar stories to that.
Yeah, she put a metaphorical, I suppose.
Well, historically, her family would have put a metaphorical sword
in my culture's back.
Oh, here we go.
I'm just bringing up relevant news.
The world's title is violent.
On The Walking Dead.
And nevermind.
You ever watch The Walking Dead?
Have I watched The Walking Dead?
I would love to see you on that as an actor.
Doing what?
Being yourself. Playing a zombie. You wish to see you on that as an actor. Doing what? Being yourself.
Playing a zombie.
You wish to see me playing a zombie.
Maybe you'd get there, but I mean,
I would love to see you for several years on that show,
just playing yourself like you'd.
With me and Rick and Carl?
So you'd do it.
I'm aware of every property
that could potentially be turned into a musical.
I'd love, maybe if you were in it, Sir Honor Webber, that you could like have a band of
zombies that you treat like cats and train them like the cats to sing.
Well that's certainly what I would do.
They creep out from behind corners.
Exactly.
I'll say attention everyone.
Now it's time.
I've prepared a little show for you.
Because they've never established if the zombies can or cannot sing on that show.
Like that has never come up on any plot point.
No.
No one ever asks them.
It's not a very singy show, is it?
But it could be if anyone were to ever just be like,
I wonder if these zombies can sing?
And then suddenly they go,
Yeah, I was waiting for you to ask!
They'd be like,
Are you blind when you're born?
Can you see in the dark?
What song is that?
That's from Cats.
Oh.
You didn't know that?
You wrote it.
I didn't.
I need an Irish whisperer sometimes
to tell me what's going on.
Well, here's an old man for you to interpret
what he's saying.
You're not an elderly whisperer, are you? Yeah, I am.
All right, tell Scotrick what I'm saying.
Okay.
Oh, oh, he would like to tell you that you shouldn't host anymore.
It's time to go.
That's exactly it.
Yeah, that sounds like something that he would say.
Remarkable.
It's something I did say.
He and I have this contentious relationship on this show.
Do you know why?
I have never been able to discern why you...
Because you're a very rude young man.
There's someone else who says you're a very rude young man on this show.
Almost like their catchphrase.
You're a very rude young man.
Yes.
Well, you're not very respectful.
I beg your pardon.
And the way you introduce me, and the way you speak to me on a microphone.
Well, it's been a while since you've done anything of note.
Oh, now, come on.
We just talked about Savage Garden earlier on and how their legacy lasts forever.
That's the same with Sir Honor Lord Webber.
Thank you, darling.
I mean, you had that one song about like cats memorizing things.
What was it?
It was like,
Now, this is your being deliberately obtuse.
Not deliberately.
This is, it's deliberate and I know it's deliberate.
I know you're a little theater boy and I know you know all the songs.
Do you know all the little theater boys out there?
I see all the little theater boys.
Are you like Santa Claus or the little theater boys?
I watch over the little theater boys. Are you like Santa Claus or Little Peter Boy? I watch over the little theater boys
through the eyes of various actors.
Well, it's good to have you, Lord.
Oh, it's good to be here, sarcasm.
What are you doing here?
I would like to promote something.
Really?
This is, and this is not even my own project.
Oh, how generous of you to promote someone else's.
One must give back.
Okay.
Like, do you give money to charity and stuff like that?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Yes.
I would like to promote this program that I've recently seen, and I think people need to
see it.
I found, do you know this thing called Netflix?
Are you familiar? Yeah, I mean, do you know this thing called Netflix?
Are you familiar?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know whether they call it that
in other countries, Ashwing.
They call it Not Flux.
Not Flux, really, yeah.
See the weird differences.
Well, it's the accent.
Yes, Netflix, it's this, now here's why it's called
a Netflix, is because it's on the internet,
and flix means movies sometimes.
Oh my God.
Yes. Oh, I wondered.
And so you go, rather than going to a theater
to see a motion picture, you would go to your computer
and see one there.
But why did they call it that before you could watch things
on your computer?
Yeah. What are you saying?
Well, it used to be they would mail it to you.
Why didn't they call it mail flicks?
How would they know to mail it to you?
The you you would ask them for it.
How would you do that?
Write them a letter.
I think you would write them a letter.
Sometimes a classified ad in the paper.
Santa Claus principle.
What is this?
Looking for.
You. Movie. Me.
Person who wants to watch it.
That's neither here nor there.
The point is you must see this show,
and it's an American show, so you should be proud.
Oh great, okay, I'm already proud.
It's called F Circle, R Circle, I Circle, E Circle,
N Circle, D Circle, S.
Take me through that one more time.
F Circle, R Circle, I Circle, E circle, F circle, D circle, S.
Okay. Yes. I think I know what you're talking about and I don't know that it's pronounced that
way. This is one of the greatest programs since M asterisk, A asterisk, S asterisk, H. H. H to make
you feel it hurt. Thank you so much, Laurie Webber.
Do you want to take this, Aisling?
I'm not sure if I've gotten it right, because I'm not great at spelling, but is it about
how like no one told me things were going to be this way?
Have you seen this program?
Well, maybe. Your life's a joke, you're broke, and your love life's...
Your love life's DOA!
Sorry, D period, O period, A.
It's like you're always dark in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year
I'll be there for you
Oh, this is... I'm so glad someone else has seen this.
Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
What's that?
Is that the show?
I don't know what that is.
Is it an aphorism, an Irish aphorism?
I just thought that was what I thought it was.
Oh, well, you know, it's always sunny in Philadelphia.
That's what they talk like.
No, this is a show.
It's about six young people
and they are friends with each other.
They visit with each other in their little homes
all the time, they're always getting into scripts
and scripts.
One of them has the Rachel haircut.
Yes, Rachel does.
Yes.
Would you have seen this?
Yes, yes, no, I have seen it.
It's actually an older show.
It started in the 1990s.
That explains a great deal about the way everyone is dressed.
Yeah, with the big floppy hair and the giant sweaters.
Big floppy hair, gigantic suits when they dress up.
Right.
A lot of boot cut.
Well, I know.
OK, so it's been around is what you're saying.
It's been around. Well, I know. Okay, so it's been around is what you'll see. It's been around, definitely.
It's been around.
Yes.
But here's one other thing that's kind of germane
to the discussion of it is-
Is it also Jemagesty to the discussion?
Yes, of course.
Whatever happened to you?
Jemagesty Jackson?
Yeah.
So he's still around?
I imagine he's still out there.
Jemagin, you too? Hi, Jemagency Jackson? Yeah. So you still around? Imagine you still out there somehow? Jemagine you do?
I Jemagine.
It's actually not called F circle, R circle, I circle,
E circle, N circle, D circle, S.
Well then what is it called?
We actually take the circles out and just call it friends.
I do know that show actually.
Right, actually. Right.
I mean, I assumed they were friends and that the title was trying to say this in a roundabout way.
Yes.
It's a sort of if you know, you know, sort of insiderly.
Like I've yes, I've cracked the code, but has everyone?
The friendship circle is extended to the six of them, certainly.
I assumed the circles in the word friends came from the friendship circle.
Because there are six circles and there are six friends.
There are seven letters in friends, but there are six circles and there are six friends.
And they have their names start with with let's see, R.
The six letter.
And who else do we have?
RRMCPJ.
RRMCPJ.
RRMCPJ.
RRMCPJ.
This is a clue.
Purge.
The purge.
Rook-a-Purge.
We should all do the purge. This RRM CPJ. RRM CPJ.
This is a clue, isn't it?
The Purge.
The Purge.
We should all do the Purge.
Oh, the Purge.
Oh, I do love the Purge.
Do you have Purge Day where you're from?
Well, of course we do.
Well, not that everyone knows, but yes.
There's a, it's a certain,
a certain class is entitled to Purge.
How many commoners are you allowed to kill on Purge Day?
How dare you?
It's the one thing we don't do.
Now we are allowed, but we don't do it.
You refrain from doing it.
It's simpler than done.
Yes.
And you sing the classic,
Happy Purge Day to you.
Happy Purge Day to you.
Did you know those elderly crones who wrote that?
Mildred and Patty Hill?
Yes. Yes. Did you know them personally? So tires wrote that? Mildred and Patty Hill? Yes.
Did you know them personally?
So tiresome.
All they care about is money.
Money, money, money.
What is money?
What is money about a bunch of castles?
Who cares?
Have you ever traded a castle for something else?
Yes.
Great.
So you love friends.
I do.
And which one is your favorite?
And by you describing it, you're probably going to say the title of it.
I don't know if you have ever seen the titles of these things.
Which is my favorite friend or which is my favorite episode?
Which is your favorite episode, yes.
Oh, the one with the...
The one with the...
What happened in it? The one with the ugly naked guy.
Why do you like that one?
Because it's rightfully calling out someone in their own home for being ugly and naked.
Do you have drapes in your castle?
Of course I have drapes.
Draperies, yes.
From floor to ceiling.
Really, that high?
Yes, where the windows are quite high.
So why would I have a drape that goes up to halfway
to the window?
Like a pencil skirt or something.
A pencil drape, no.
I'm just saying no one in your next door castle
would be able to peer into your castle
and see you being ugly.
Well, no, because I own the castle next door.
You do really? Side by side castles?
I feel so embarrassed.
I have castles on either side.
Whoa. And I live in the middle one.
But what about on the either side of that one, the one on the right
and the other side of the one on the left?
It's just Cliffs.
Really? It's just Cliffs.
Richards. I'm on a pro...
If you like Cliff Richard, I'll remember Cliff Richard.
Remember him.
Look, he was a friend of yours at some point.
I knew Cliff, yes.
Who have been some of the, have you ever been starstruck, Andrew Lloyd Webber?
Have I ever been?
By anyone?
No one's ever asked me this.
Thank you so much.
You don't need to insult me by saying no one's ever asked you this.
I mean, you've been on the show for 12 years.
I'll come up with new questions at some point.
Do you know, I didn't even think of you
when I said no one's ever asked me that,
but thank you for calling attention to it.
You're a terrible host.
But I know, but this is a great question
for all the fish butchers out there here.
Have I ever been starstruck?
I mean, I'm very starstruck by talent, you see.
I love when someone's talent, they could be hideous, but I very starstruck by talent, you see.
I love when someone's talent, they could be hideous, but I am starstruck by talent.
Pure star quality!
Like Sarah Brightman.
Sarah Brightman, oh, I love her.
She was so talented.
She was so talented, is she still?
She still is so talented.
And I may, I may be, and she's not married to me anymore.
No, she is not.
But we were married and we loved each other and it was a torrid, torrid romance.
Yes.
She was in Phantom of the Opera.
Yes, she was.
She played the lady Christine.
Christine Ampore. You play the piano, you play Christine Ampore in Phantom of the Opera.
The Phantom of the Opera is here.
Now that is a direct lyric.
Do you know what I'm saying?
It's not obtuse.
Here I am, the Phantom of the Opera.
None of this this way up type symbolism in it.
You know what I mean?
But then it is because where is the Phantom of the Opera?
He's up.
Inside my mind.
He's down.
First he's in the sewers, then he gets inside your mind.
So he's down, then he's in someone's mind, which is about head level.
Yes.
And then he goes up to the chandelier and cuts it down, so he's up.
I mean, it's implied that he cuts the chandelier down.
He doesn't have henchmen, does he? Like in Batman?
Here's what, here's what.
Now this is, would you like to hear a fun secret
about the Phantom of the Opera?
Yes, oh my God, showbiz celebrity gossip.
Hi, looky are we.
What I always meant to imply is that that chandelier
was going to fall anyway.
Oh, so he just lucked out?
It was very old, the opera house.
And yes, it was, it was all it's like down to a thread.
So but maybe he blew on it or something, like especially hard.
And no, just a coincidence.
That's really well, you're allowed one of those in each script.
Are you? Thank you.
And then you have to work it in from there for honest.
Yes. This is the holy law of the theater.
Oh, wait, did it just fall down by itself
the first time you were doing the show, like on
opening night and you just kept it in?
No, that was planned.
God, there's so many showbiz secrets.
Oh my God, incredible.
Now Ashlyn, darling, what brings you to the United States of America?
Well, hopefully to meet big celebrities like yourself.
You have a secret.
Wait, I never said who I'm...
Like me, I mean star of Kevin Scoot.
Sorry, big celebrities. Like yourself, Andrew Lloyd Webber. But just to promote my television
show this way up, which I'd love you to watch. There's some miners singing in it every now
and then.
I've seen this show advertised on some boxes.
Yes, yes.
It is.
That's where I spent the budget.
This is very exciting.
Wait, were you moving someone out of the castle for pizza and beer? Like one of your friends?
I don't know what those things are. You don't know what pizza and beer are?
Pizza. Pizza. The Italians came up with it.
I don't think so. It's sort of like a cheese board on the bread already there. It's like if someone made the platter out of something edible
and put a nice cheese board plus the meats
all together on one thing.
Cold or warm?
Warm.
Definitely warm, yeah.
If you do it right.
So that's not something you're used to, like a cheese board.
At like 800 degrees for like, you know, eight minutes.
Well that's too hot.
Oh, for eight minutes.
I thought it served 800 degrees
and I was going to say, that's too hot.
But this sounds deuce and clever.
You should have some.
Is this what Patrick Stewart was talking about that time?
Yes.
He told me he'd just tried it, so it's new.
New to him, certainly.
New to the world's age, yes.
As old or older than friends?
Probably older.
Probably older, I think ancient Roman times.
Oh, that, I was going to say the 80s,
but you're saying ancient Roman times.
80, minus 80s, BC, yeah.
Yeah, I think I saw one on an early episode of The Simpsons
before Friends came out,
so I definitely think it predated.
Thank God you're here, Scott, for history reasons.
Yeah, definitely.
I think Bart said one was cool or something like that.
I don't know.
Oh, and then the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Yeah.
They loved it.
Yeah, although they may have just loved manhole covers.
We've never quite figured that out.
I haven't got a sort of word you've said.
Do you know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
You should hook up with them.
Do I know who?
Here's a bunch of descriptors of them.
They're teenaged. Yes. Already I'm off board. They're between bunch of descriptors of them. They're teenaged.
Yes.
Okay, so they're...
Already I'm off board.
They're between 13 and 19 years of age.
No, thank you.
Okay.
They're mutants.
Doesn't sound good.
Their bodies have mutated.
From what?
In a certain way.
I'll tell you.
Well, from some ooze, my dear boy.
And then...
Luckily, it's all PG.
They're mutations.
Of course, yes. But that's already face of poo. They still have really tiny dicks. from some ooze, my dear boy. And then- Luckily it's all PG, they're mutations.
Of course, yes.
But that's already face of Perun.
They still have really tiny dicks.
They-
I got it.
Why did you?
I just to clarify for the listeners
in case you didn't know what she was talking about,
tiny dicks.
They're also ninjas.
Do you know what ninjas are?
I know what ninjas are.
How do you know what ninjas are?
From the Mikado or something.
And then they're turtles as well. Turtles?
Turtles, yes.
Well, it's always nice to see a turtle.
Isn't it though?
Yes it is.
That sounds like the start of your new musical.
Oh, wouldn't that be?
Wait a minute.
Is this property available to adapt into a musical?
I think so.
I mean, look, I mean, Sprague the Whisperer, I don't know if you know who he is, super producer.
What, is he here?
He's somewhere around, I think.
No.
But why, he-
Oh, he's-
I think you-
Stay away from him.
You don't like him?
No, it's not about like or dislike, stay away from him.
Stay away from him.
He's very dangerous.
What do you mean, he's a great guy.
We have a show together, he and I.
Oh no, Patrick, oh no.
Have I fallen in with a bad lot?
He is, you know he's been ostracized from England. Oh my God.
From an entire country?
The Queen herself gathered all of the lords
and knights together and said,
you must turn your backs, shun this creature.
Do not let him come back to England. What? How did they get them all together? Was it like an email or? Yes, shun this creature. Do not let him come back to England.
What?
How did they get them all together?
Was it like an email or?
Yes, she sends an email.
Wow.
And you know what?
The queen does not BCC.
And it's fine because everybody likes each other.
Everybody makes jokes about not BCCing.
And it goes on.
What have I?
Anyway, we have fun.
Anyway.
Where did he end up or where did he punish him to?
The last I heard he ended up in some sort of
cave. The Sprite cave. Yeah, that's where we record our show
together. That's where some of the Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles sort of live.
Well, yeah, I mean, well, they're in the sewer. They're
not. Oh my God, Ashleigh. A toilet cave? What is the sewer,
but a cave for the toilet? It's a toilet cave. It is like a
it's like a toilet highway. Yeah. In a way, a sewer.
Yeah. When the sewer goes back to ancient Rome, is it as old as pizza? Well, actually,
you'll like this because their names are from not ancient Rome, perhaps, but Renaissance
era names. So they're called the sewers. The turtles. The turtles, yeah. The sewer turtles. They're called Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe.
Rachel, Joey, Scottrick, this is the friends, these are the friends you're listing.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, no.
Who are these?
They're called Michelangelo.
Michelangelo is the one.
Michelangelo?
Michelangelo.
I should have probably done it in order.
So wait, Donatello does machines.
In order?
Yes.
Donatello? Michelangllo is a party guy.
He's a party guy?
That's not right.
Raphael is cool.
Raphael!
He's unfortunately rude.
Michelangelo is a party dude.
He should be called Scotric then.
If he's rude.
Oh my God, that was such a burn.
Roast!
Get some aloe vera.
I'll roast every one of you. That actually hurt my feelings, Andrew Lloyd. Oh Scotric. That was such a burn. Roast! Get some aloe vera. I'll roast every one of
you. That actually hurt my feelings Andrew Lloyd. Oh Scotrick I'm so sorry. I just meant
to gently tease you. No but that one cut me to the quick. It was no it was just a jolly
jape. I know but sometimes I feel like you don't really enjoy being on this show. Sometimes
I feel like you don't enjoy being on the show. Red Hot Chili Peppers, have you ever adapted their works?
What's that?
It's a lot like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a way.
Now we're talking about food.
We're talking about men as well.
Wait, so Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello.
And these are the names of some turtles who have been mutated whilst in their teens and then studied to become ninjas. They have not aged out of it like Minuto as well.
They're still in their teens. That's good to know. They're now sort of problematic older
turtles who you know have some views from the 80s and early 90s.
Problematic older turtles!
Well I'm very intrigued by this.
Neo-Nazis in a hatush. I thought you would be.
That's why I brought it up is because I think you would be perfect for adapting their escapades
and exploits onto.
I'm going to study up on these.
And the next time I'm here, which you will never know when that will be.
I mean, I saw you on my booking. Can will have. Can't you preserve some of the mystery
for the fish butchers out there?
Is that what they call plumbers out there?
Yes. In English fish butchers.
Cockney Ryfugslat.
That's what I call my gynecologist.
Oh, that sounds strange.
Butcher.
And my last boyfriend.
Here it comes, a fish butcher.
The next time I'm here, I will have some teenage mutant Nergal tits.
Nergal?
You're already sort of like wrapping and slicing it up just like they did.
Do you speak of rap?
I have a project that I abandoned years ago, but something I heard recently, this property has been revived.
Really?
It is a musical version of this, I don't know if you know this film. I saw it a few years ago.
Okay. Cool runnings?
Oh, God.
Not cool runnings. I haven't seen that yet.
Someone's going to mention cool runnings on the show and I'm going to be right.
No, this is a family film that I understand there's a new version of that's coming out
soon.
It's called...
Oh my God.
Is this going to be...
Here's the concept.
I don't know if this is the name.
The concept is there's a child.
He's alone at home. I think he might be talking about your movie. Scott, what is she saying?
I don't understand Irish accents. We were just whispering about how excited we are to
hear about whatever it is you're talking about. Oh, thank you. Yes. It's the concept is a
child alone at home. His parents have
forgotten him. And I think they have too many children, Catholic probably, no offense. And
they forget one of them, then he must defend his home against some bandits.
This is the 13th warrior. Oh, he was captured.
So they find.
With Antonio Banderas? Yes. What happens in it? The 13th warrior! Oh, he was captured. So they find...
With Antonio Banderas?
Yes.
What happens in it?
He's captured by captors.
I think he is left home alone.
He understands.
He's like in a castle, certainly.
Yeah, he can't really speak the same language as them.
Are you thinking of Ballistic Colon X Versus Ever?
That might be it.
So, the child, he's at home. I just have a few songs. I'm going to sing a song called, I'm going to sing a song called, I'm going to sing a song called, I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called,
I'm going to sing a song called, I'm going to sing a song called, I'm going to sing a song called, I'm going to sing a song called, I'm going to sing a song called, Have I gone insane? Wow, what a couplet.
That's incredible.
Thank you.
Amazing.
Thank you, darling.
How long did it take you to come up with just that couplet?
Oh, well, I do my work and my dreams.
Mm-hmm.
And so that took me, I would say, one REM cycle.
Okay.
Wow, okay.
My eyes probably shifted to the left,
and then that popped out, and then to the right,
this one popped out.
This is when the little boy, he's being attacked
by these bandits, these wet bandits.
And they're called that because their appetite
is wet for banditry.
Well, they also slip in the snow a lot.
Anyway, go ahead.
I would make them the slippery bandits then?
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Okay. All the snow bandits? I think his story checks out a bit badgerous, Scott. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Okay.
All the snow bandits.
I think his story checks out about badgers, Scott.
Yeah, okay, I'm sorry.
But imagine, darling, so close to being a loyal servant
of the crown.
Separated by an ocean.
So Kevin is his name, and he is setting up
all these booby traps around the home.
And the bandits are coming in, and he realizes what he must do, and he is setting up all these booby traps around the home. And the bandits are coming in
and he realizes what he must do and he raps.
Oh, good, finally.
I'm home alone and must defend my castle till the very end.
I'll do my family proud by Jove
and save my parents' treasure trove.
No time for raps, must set my traps
and thus I'll get these bandits wet.
Wow. Oh!
Wow!
Oh!
Oh my God.
Obviously there's a dance.
Oh, okay.
Are they dabbing at all ever?
Everyone is, everyone is dabbing.
Oh, all throughout the entire song?
And then they do a breaking dance.
Oh, wow.
And then, but of course there's a song
from the point of view of the bandits.
Yeah, that's good.
And this one I believe is sung by Marv.
And this is a show stopping ballad.
There won't be a dry eye in the house when Marv sings.
His, a single spotlight is shone upon him, and Marvin sings.
I've been struck in the face by a paint can.
I'm waking up cold to be sure.
Is my vocation a scourge from the nation?
What am I banditing for?
Oh my God.
I am legitimately crying right now.
There's not a try. I'm in this house.. There's not a dry eye in this house.
I mean, I can see his point of view.
In this house?
Our eyes are wet.
We cry at things.
That was stunning.
Wow.
Thank you, my dear.
You know, I wanted to tell you that Ashling here,
she is, should I tell him, should I tell him?
Watch this now, she's in the sequel to the movie
you're talking about, Home Alone.
She's in the new one that's out on Disney Plus right now.
And I do an English accent in it,
so you can understand what I'm saying.
May I, may I, yeah, just a bit of it.
Yeah, let's.
My son is home alone, and I need to get back.
Oh my word.
Yes.
Sounded exactly the same to me.
Indecipherable.
I almost stood up and started to sing
God Save the Queen, my favorite song,
which you've never asked me.
To sing?
You've never asked me what my favorite song is.
Oh, I asked,
I asked you over here earlier what her favorite song is.
Such a standard host question.
I know, I should have asked you.
Scott, you're so bad at this.
Mine is Jeremy Piven.
Does he sing Jeremy Piven?
He does. Jeremy Piven.
Now, Ashley, what did you say was your favorite song?
Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, favorite song. The Irish Rover. What's another one? The rocky road to Dublin. You're going
into a cake trance. I always went into a cake trance. Oh my God. He's looking through his internal Spotify.
Oh.
And flicking through all the algorithms.
I was going into my Spotify palace.
Well, Andrew, if I may call you in.
I beg your pardon, you may not.
I'm sorry, I just slipped out.
When did you get so casual, Scott?
I beg your pardon, Lord Webber.
May I call you that?
Yes. Thank you.
Lord Webber, may you stick around?
We have another guest coming up. May I stick around? But will you? I will. that? Yes. Thank you Lord Webber. May you stick around? We have another guest coming
But will you I will okay great we have we're gonna be talking in Ashlyn's talked to one before and she said it was fun
We're gonna be talking to a creative director of an ad agency when we come back. I've heard of them never met one
Has anything many many layers between me and they can only imagine like being as rich as you are
that you have like-
You can only imagine it.
Like you've paid for some sort of like external ad blocker
where you never see any ad anywhere.
Like even a billboard.
Who talks about these?
Like in that, you know in that black mirror
where you can like turn off and block people
and they just are fuzzy.
Black mirror?
What are you talking about?
Do you know what Black Mirror is?
It's like Friends, it's like the one where anything goes wrong.
Can I propose, by the way, I have an idea for a super, this is going to be an amazing franchise.
Oh great.
This hasn't been done.
Maybe the ad exec will like be able to market it for you.
Shall I wait?
Yes, wait. This is a great tea. A little teaser.
Yes.
All right.
How could you eat your pudding
if you haven't eaten your meat?
Oh.
Look, when we come back, this is very exciting.
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is going to please us
after this tease.
Yes.
With this incredible idea for a franchise.
You will be most gratified.
I hope he's not just gonna pitch McDonald's
because that has actually been invented.
I know, but does it have pages?
You mustn't say the name aloud, it's bad luck.
I beg your pardon.
But we'll be talking to a creative director
at an ad agency when we come back.
This is incredible, we'll be right back.
You are more excited to say creative director
of an ad agency.
You've been on the show so many times,
I've just inured to it, but I mean,
I've never spoken one.
Why?
I will keep delaying the break.
We're on a break.
No, that's not my favorite show.
All right, we're gonna be right back
with more Ashling B, more Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.
Yeah.
Comedy Bang Bang, We're back.
Aisling B is here this way up on Hulu right now, as well as Home Sweet Home Alone.
Work alone. Getting fluid.
On Disney Plus.
Do they call plus something different in England?
What you mean? Like Disney additional?
I don't know. I mean, you know, or do they put the OU in it or, you know, whatever you guys do?
Yes.
P-L-O-U-S.
Plus.
Dizzy plows.
We also have Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber who just spoke.
Hello!
And you continue to speak.
Hello America, your sweet little colonies.
And this only is local.
Is that correct?
Do you look at America as like the one that got away?
Always.
A lot like Sarah Brightman.
If, well she didn't completely get away.
What happened between you two?
You dropped a chandelier on her.
Time to say goodbye Sarah Brightman.
A lot like Home Sweet Home Alone.
Yes, very much so.
They ripped you off.
No, is there a chandelier that falls on someone?
Are you going to watch it?
Of course I am!
Then there is, yes, the yes there is.
They ripped your silly ass off for this movie.
It is a bit like Phantom of the Opera, the whole setup as well.
The whole setup?
The whole thing.
Some of it takes place in the sewers?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, the sewers in my mind.
In the sewers of my mind.
Wait a minute, Phantom of the Opera takes place in the sewers,
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles takes place in the sewers, these guys should meet!
You only like toilet things.
Yes! I'll be there!
Toilets going to the sewers?
What is this, a crossover episode?
Maybe.
I like it. I like it. In fact, I think I like it. I like it. I like it. In fact, I think I like it.
We have to get to our next guest, but you have an idea on tap.
You're going to pitch it to the next guest.
Much like Body on Tap, that shampoo that had beer in it.
And people were told on the advert, please don't drink the shampoo.
So now you know what beer is.
You caught me out.
You've drank one, haven't you? On your 13th birthday?
I've seen it. On my 13th birthday.
13th, I said. What did you say? 13th.
That's what I said. What did you think I said? 3th. No I said 13th. This is where accents come into play.
We're gonna need your help. We're gonna need your help Ashley. I shall act as a translator.
All right well uh we hopefully our next guest doesn't have a bizarre way of speaking uh as
sometimes is the case on this show.
Sometimes, not always.
People come in here with strange accents all the time.
Hopefully our next guest does not have one,
but this is so exciting.
She is the creative director at an ad agency.
We never get this opportunity to talk to anyone like this.
So this is very exciting.
Please welcome for the first time on the show,
and hopefully not the last, Brenda Tattletail.
Hi.
Hi, Scott.
Hi.
Hi.
Talk right into that thing right there.
Brenda?
Oh.
Brenda Tattletail.
Get right on.
Brenda Tattletail.
Yes.
Is that the traditional way?
Yes, Tattle plus tail, no hyphen.
Oh, no hyphen.
No, no hyphen.
I was wondering if your husband's name was tail.
Well, no, actually, I am a funny story.
I'll be the judge of that.
Well, my husband's last name is Jones and I actually gave myself the last name Tattletail
because what I do is all about branding, as you know, and I'm always telling everybody secrets
about the products we are working for. I'm tattling about my brand.
Okay, let me see if I can.
Just run that past us one more time.
Maybe say it a different way too, just so we can.
I understood.
Okay, see?
I'm the whisper I could understand.
We're familiar with the tattletale.
Cheeky little secrets about the brands you promote.
Yes, I'm like, nobody tell on me if if I make. OK, pretend I'm McDonald's.
McDonald's is like, we pretend to be the Scottish place.
Please wait.
Pretend you're a restaurant.
Correct. Pretend I'm a game.
And as McDonald's, I'm I am saying
don't be a town.
You don't even you don't even have this in your mindset, do you?
I do. OK, I have this in your mind set, do you? I do.
Okay.
Everything is in my mind.
I'm understanding, Brenda.
I don't know what your guy's problem is.
I beg your pardon.
So a public restaurant is saying I'm a tattletale?
No, it's no.
It's not a tattletale.
Saying don't be a tattletale.
Don't be a tattletale.
Don't tell on me that I have terrific hamburgers,
milkshakes.
What is the motivation then?
Well, if you have something good, you want to keep it a secret.
And my job is to keep it a secret.
I have never heard someone on this show from the first sentence who made less sense.
What are you?
Well, no.
What is your best quality, Scott?
My best quality?
Oh, I'd like to hear.
Because I thought advertising was tattletaling on secret.
It is.
I'm the tattletale.
Oh, yes, now I get it.
Tattletaling or is it just spreading the word of something good?
Well, it's tattletaling.
That's why I said it.
I'm not a liar.
She's tattling the tails.
The tails are the products.
Hold on, hold on. She's tattling the tails. The tails are the products.
Hold on, hold on.
She's tattling them.
But if I may.
Yeah.
I believe that the concept of the tattletale
is they are saying something
that you don't want them to say.
Let me ask you something.
Did I not disrupt your idea of both what a name is
and what the purpose of advertising is?
Not true.
Is that not disruptive?
Oh, so a disruptive idea is an idea
that makes you think about something differently.
It makes you look twice and say, I'm paying attention.
Yeah, so like a car, for example.
Are we familiar with a car?
Well, I know what that is.
Yeah, yeah.
The automobile.
Henry Ford's invention. Yeah, exactly. It's the thing my chauffeur drives. Beautiful I know what that is. Yeah, yeah. The automobile. Henry Ford's invention.
Exactly.
It's the thing my chauffeur drives.
Beautiful bit of fact there.
We understand, yes.
And so a car, well, we're normally driving on the road,
stopping at a stop sign.
Yes.
And so if I want to disrupt the idea of a car,
if I'm trying to sell you a car,
make you look twice at a car,
I beg the question,
what if we put this car in the forest?
Drive it around some trees.
Maybe a road through the forest, I'm not insane.
Oh, okay, so you'll pave like a road
or at least clear some brush.
Yes, yes.
What about one of those gigantic trees
that you can drive a car through?
Yes, see?
All I want to do.
Are you in advertising?
Those trees that were?
No.
Could I be?
Very disruptive, very disruptive. Well. Let me, were? No. Could I be? Very disruptive.
Well.
Let me, just so I'm clear on this concept.
Yes.
Why do we want to disrupt the idea of a car?
Well, because everybody's seen a car.
And if I want someone to purchase a car,
I want them to think twice, say,
oh, a car can drive in a neighborhood,
but it can also drive in a forest.
Brenda, what are some of the products that you've worked on? Oh, this car can drive in a neighborhood, but it can also drive in a forest.
Brandon, what are some of the products that you've worked on?
Oh, this is exciting.
Oh, I'm so thrilled that you asked.
You know, we are a world-class advertising agency.
We've worked with a number of brands.
We were the agency of choice for Kia from 2006 to mid 2007.
Kia and Peel, is that what you're saying? I'm not Kia. It's a car. Oh, is it that? No, that is Kia, Kia, Kia, Kia,
Sanford and Sun based on step two and sun. It's because you put your Kia into it. Oh,
that actually that now that I think that's that accent coming out, you put your Kia into it.
Kia into the car, yeah, that would be a disruptive idea.
Or if you don't like your enemy, your Kia car.
See, again, everybody here is,
you could work in advertising,
you absolutely could work in advertising.
But you do.
But you do, yeah.
I do, yes, yes.
Tell us about it.
Um.
Um.
So you worked on Kia from Super Mario Kart.
I'm still not quite knowing what's going on.
That was a big account,
and then they went in a different direction.
And since then, you know, we work on,
we did a campaign for Coca-Cola in Canada briefly.
We do Sniff Sniff.
Oh, the seas.
Yes, Coca-Cola.
Can't believe that.
In Canada. In Canada. My word. One of theiff. All the seas. Yes, Coca Cola. Can't believe it.
In Canada.
In Canada.
My word.
One of the provinces.
Uh huh.
Do they call it Coca Cola there?
Coca Cola and Canada.
I don't know, I only, we did print campaigns.
Oh, you never have to.
You did prank campaigns?
Print campaigns.
Oh, print.
That's better.
That's what I heard too.
Aren't we familiar, a magazine?
Of course I'm familiar with a magazine.
Wait, you've read a magazine?
I've seen a magazine.
It's shiny.
Yeah, it's a rectangle.
It's very glossy.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's a rectangle.
It's a rectangle, yeah.
Often a picture on the front,
sometimes a lady, sometimes a room,
depending on what the magazine is.
Those are the two things on the cover of magazines.
Yes, a lady.
I'm so mad.
I'm surprisingly accurate of magazines.
So our most recent work,
I don't know if you've seen any of the, we did all of the social
for Snip Snips.
It's a barber shop.
Snip Snips?
Yeah.
That's a great name for a barber shop.
You did Snip Snips?
We did the social for Snip Snips.
And it's a barber shop?
Yes, it's a barber shop.
That I wasn't clear on.
Yes, well.
But you did the social for it.
We did the social.
So I don't know if anybody caught a little Facebook ad for a buy one, get one free haircut.
It's one, it's one barbershop.
Oh, I think I saw that.
Are you from, do you live near Montclair?
I live in Claremont.
They're right next to each other.
Okay, no, Montclair is, it's on the East Coast.
It's Montclair, it's New Jersey.
This is a barbershop in New Jersey.
Oh, I thought you meant the Montclair out here. The Montclair pens. Oh, that's also, yes, it's New Jersey. This is a barbershop in New Jersey. Oh, I thought you meant the Montclair out here.
The Montclair pens.
Oh, that's also, yes, that is also different.
Oh my God.
Okay, so we're talking about different things right now
and you're talking about something else.
Well, exactly. That's three things.
Yes.
I have to say, was it, I remember that ad
and it said same head only.
Yes, you can't walk in, well, we're not, I mean, we're not trying to put snips
in it's out of business.
You can't walk in with your friend
and both get two haircuts.
Same head, same day only.
Oh, same day.
Yes, it's disruptive.
Cause have you ever gotten two haircuts?
So you can get a trim and a buzz cut on the same day.
Exactly, exactly.
I've never gotten two haircuts on the same day
unless there was something wrong with it.
Oh, you have, really?
Yeah, just for fun, I'm rich.
That for me would be one of those things you don't ever associate as richness that you
could afford to get two haircuts because I'd be like, oh but your hair doesn't grow faster
because you're richer but maybe it does.
Well I couldn't speak to that. I haven't been awake for a haircut in quite a long time.
Oh, okay.
They cut it in my sleep.
When you're doing your best writing.
Exactly. I work, they cut. You're such a time saver.
So it doesn't cut into your day, your working day.
Exactly.
Well, I have a question about that.
Yes. Oh, you're asking me a question?
This is exciting.
Do you begin sleeping lying down
and does somebody come and prop you up?
Or on a haircut night, do you go to sleep sitting up?
They won't tell me.
And one time I tried to put a nanny cam in the room
so I could see what they do and they found it.
And I saw it was the barber walking right.
It was in one of my Tony's.
Oh, okay.
It was the barber, my sleep barber
walking right up to the camera going, ah, ah, ah.
The Dikembe?
He did it, he did it Dikembe.
Oh no.
He found your camera.
And then he smashed it. He smashed your whole Tony? No, he didn't smash the Tony, he pluck a Kimba. Oh no. He found your camera. And then he smashed it.
He smashed your whole Tony?
No, he didn't smash the Tony.
He plucked the camera from the Tony.
He plucked the camera, okay.
Those Tonys are sacred.
But he could smash a Tony, I've got tons.
Have you ever thought of turning that into a musical?
A barbershop quartet perhaps?
Yes.
Brenda Tattletail could do the advertising for it.
Do you want a job?
See, everybody-
She's gonna be our jobs if you're right.
Well, I did have to let everybody go
after we lost the Kia account.
And now that-
Wait, you're the only one?
Oh, you're the only employee.
So you're just looking for, wait,
is that why you keep saying that we could work for you
because you need people to work for you?
Just to be clear, I haven't said that to everybody.
I've said that to Mr. Lloyd Webber.
Oh, I just assumed that it was a blanket opportunity
for all of us.
I need you to match the fee I'm getting for this podcast,
though that's the only thing.
May I ask, Ms. Tattletail?
So you've lost two large accounts so far.
Well, two that I've mentioned, but it's a business that-
Coca-Cola Canada and Kia.
But there are others you have not mentioned.
Yeah, well it's, you know, advertising is a vicious business.
You're always getting business, losing business, pitching for business.
It's a business about pitching.
You said it three times exactly.
Yes, exactly, exactly.
So we've lost several accounts, but you always kind of make up the work later.
You get a snip snips.
What are the accounts that you have?
Do you still have snip snips?
We do still have snip snips at the moment.
Any other accounts that you currently have?
Oh, yeah, yes, of course, of course.
Name one other.
We have snip snips.
Yes, we have snip snips, that's correct.
We've talked about snip snips extensively at this point.
We have talked quite a bit about snip snips.
This could be another snip snips though.
Yes, we do, you've got me again. We do remember snip snips. She did mention quite a bit about Snipsnips. Well, I don't really remember Snipsnips. This could be another Snipsnips though. This could be a different Snipsnips.
Yes, we do.
You've got me again.
We do remember Snipsnips.
She did mention that there was only one Snipsnips.
Oh, there's only one Snipsnips.
In Montclair.
Yes, it's not a franchise.
And not the Montclair here either.
It's Montclair all the way over there.
It's in New Jersey.
I call it the second Jersey.
Mm-hmm, Pottery Barn.
Not the furniture store.
Pottery painting place next to snip snip. Oh wow
Okay, I'm fine. You can do a birthday as a new paint pictures of pottery or you paint pictures on pottery
Oh you paint pictures on potter and it's in a bar. Yes
It's I know it's in a storefront lovely storefront a table in the back for if you want to do a party there put a cake
This is the second time you've mentioned this is this an actual thing that someone would do I have a birthday party there, put a cake. This is the second time you've mentioned this. Is this an actual thing that someone would do?
Have a birthday party at a paint, a pottery painting place?
Yes!
Can I ask, where was your last birthday?
Pottery barn.
And it was, let me tell you, it was terrific.
It was me and my friend Claire and a couple other people.
From Montclair?
Claire, from Montclair.
Are you just, was your friend Monty there as well?
Are you just usual suspecting us right now?
Why are you looking around the room?
No, well I don't know,
because Montclair isn't written anywhere,
so I wouldn't, I would have to be looking
inside my own brain if I was usual suspecting.
In your Montclair palace?
Yeah, yes, I would have to be in my Montclair palace,
which would be a lovely three bedroom
where my family used to live, and right now it's just me.
And so-
Your family's gone too? I'm sorry to interrupt you, but-
No, but that's an awful thing. I would have skirted over it, but that's actually-
We don't paper over things on this show.
No, that's your death right?
We delve right into it.
Sorry to say dead, but-
This is the American way. I want to get right in there.
Your family are all gone.
Well, let's talk about my birthday party.
Oh no, Brenda, please tell us about your family.
That's so sad.
Scott doesn't mind things being sad.
Yeah.
We talked about your bummer over show earlier.
Exactly.
Depression and all that kind of stuff.
Being a woman.
Thumbs down.
You know?
Well, working in advertising, you have to spend a lot of time at the office.
And I was-
What are your hours?
My hours are 3 a.m. to-
It starts at three.
I wake up at three.
I wake up at three.
I'm in the office.
Because of depression?
No, because I have to be working.
I have my best ideas when it's dark,
but when it's dark in the morning,
I'm not, but I can't work when I sleep.
Unlike you.
Oh, okay.
So you're 3 a.m. to what what 3 a.m. To 9 p.m
It's brutal because as the creative director it is brutal, but I have to always be thinking of disruptive ideas
a b t o d i
Always be thinking of ideas.! Always be thinking of disruptive ideas.
Always be thinking of disruptive ideas.
Always be thinking of disruptive ideas.
Always be thinking of disruptive ideas.
You don't think you don't like it?
I love it.
Oh, you do?
I love it.
Why were you shaking your head and
decimbing us wagging your finger?
I need to put it on the whiteboard.
And I just, I want, I'm going to up your offer.
You don't even have to start at junior copywriter.
You can be a regular copywriter.
There's an opening.
We do have an opening.
I feel like I'm the prince and the pauper at the same time.
That's good.
And you're just constantly swapping places with each other.
Well, if I'm them at the same time,
I don't need to be swapping places.
But it's almost like you're like going back and forth,
like when you're closing your eyes in a Viewmaster.
Have you ever seen a Viewmaster?
What's a Viewmaster, Scott?
You know what a Viewmaster is?
Oh, you should make a musical out of these.
Russell Crowe was in it.
I don't know what that is.
Viewmaster and Commander.
Yes, right?
Yes, that was it.
Isn't that it?
Mm-hmm.
Well, so you have these two accounts.
Your family's left you.
All of your employees have been fired. I don't know if we've touched on this. It sounds so you have these two accounts, your family's left you, all of your employees have been fired.
I don't know if we've touched on this,
it sounds like you sleep in the office?
Well, I currently, when your office is your home.
Certainly.
And your home is your mind.
And your family.
And your mind is your ideas.
Yes, yes, but I did have a husband and a daughter,
they currently do live in Portland.
But it's-
Portland is a long way from Mount Cloud.
It certainly is, but that is another disruption that-
It sounds like your life has been
so incredibly disruptive.
You're not sleeping, you're sleeping in the office.
You're not near your husband and child.
You wake up at 3 a.m.
Yes.
You work till 9 p.m.
I work till 9 p.m.
I do take a lunch. I eat a yogurt at 3pm.
You're also very ugly.
I didn't want to say that before, but you're very, but I don't know if that's because of
your depression and because your husband has left you.
That's a bit rude.
Were you ugly before?
That's a bit rude, Scott.
Scott, she's in advertising.
She's not in front of the camera.
Just to say it like that.
It's not rude. I'm ugly. I love being ugly.
It's my favorite quality about myself. I have been ugly since I was a little girl.
That's early.
Yeah. Well, and I don't know if this is, if this sounds familiar, but I'm loving it.
I thought of that, but I was used to say it about being ugly.
What was going to say Brenda, do you know what you're starting to sound like? And I hate to
tie all these links up. Oh, no, please. Connections are advertising.
Over the opera. He was not great looking. Also, half of his face was not great.
He was half ugly. It's the whole thing.
He was half ugly. Also, also the main. He was married to his work.
He was mean.
Pushed people away.
The bottom half of his body to a scarred I had read.
Worked behind the scenes.
He wore a mask of trousers.
Oh, but well.
He could never wear shorts.
Where did he live though?
Where does he live?
Where did he live?
The sewers, wasn't it?
He lives in the sewer.
He lives under the opera house.
Oh, interesting.
Under the opera house.
In some catacombs.
Oh, well. Darling, it's better down some catacombs. Oh, well.
Darling, it's better down where it's wetter.
Take it from me.
He lives where those teenage mutant ninja turtles live.
Oh, lives where the sewers tend to flow.
Under the seahorse.
Well, I do, I have spoken of my house
and it actually is underground.
Amidst a great deal of dampness and sewage.
So I guess, I can't go, I don't like to go,
I live in the basement, I don't like to go upstairs
because that's where all the photos of my family are.
Are you obsessed with any ladies, young ladies
who are above the sewer life that you have?
Well.
Much like the Phantom of the Opera was.
Oh, yes. Would your husband and child be...
You're not just asking if you're obsessed with ladies.
No, I was.
We can have a side conversation.
We can all talk at the same time, can't we?
It's like a dinner party.
Anyway, guys.
We can all speak at the same time.
Listening to a podcast is like going to a party,
where sometimes there are side conversations.
You decide which one you want to tune into.
It's disruptive.
It is disruptive.
We don't like it, it's disruptive.
She's staring again.
Thank you, Brenda.
We're disrupting podcasting.
Thank you for disrupting this podcast.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, Ms. Tattle-T.
It is what I do.
Great, well hire Brenda if you want a mean,
ugly old lady in charge of your business.
We never said she was old.
We didn't say it, but it's true.
How old are you?
82.
I never would have known because you're so ugly.
How old is your daughter?
She's 40.
Wow, okay.
Yes.
She lives with her father in Portland.
Yeah, well, she-
How old is he?
He's 75.
I married him.
Oh, okay, well, mid-December.
Cradle robber, cradle robber.
I've always been ugly,
but I used to have a very good body.
Oh, okay, but no longer.
Yes, no, no longer.
Now, as you can see, my body looks like pudding.
Is that when he left?
Like spilled, chilled pudding.
Oh, no. Spilled, chilled pudding.
Yes, because it stands upright.
Well, no, if it was hot pudding,
I'd be a puddle on the ground.
And as you can see, I'm sitting upright.
I do have bones.
You are.
That is one of your best qualities.
You are sitting upright and you have bones.
Yes.
See, OK, you can work at my agency.
All right, very good.
Well, nothing you said impressed me, but you did.
We're all going to be working there.
This is the last episode of the show. We are aboard. Thank you, guys. You tackled that, dude. We're all gonna be working there.
This is the last episode of the show.
We are running out of time, guys,
but we do have time for one final feature on the show,
and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs.
Why isn't there a timekeeper shirt on the CVB website?
Walt Tristan.
Oh, that was, gosh, that was very short.
That was Timekeeper Shirt by Prince Moonbeam. What is he saying?
Why isn't there a Timekeeper Shirt on the CBB website?
There should be, shouldn't there?
He's asking for merch.
You know what happens with that song is it's not that it's short. Songs can be short guys.
It's that it ends on an intake of breath and leaves us with a song.
Exactly. A lot like how Friends ended. Yeah.
In my opinion. Yes.
It's that fit. Do you know what I often thought?
This is my version of disruption, Brenda,
is that when you're talking or singing the song from Friends and you go,
So no one told you life was gonna be this way.
Yeah.
Only two.
Or even not even two, even like,
so no one told your life was gonna be this way.
Oh, I don't like it.
What if M band were to sing it?
It's chilling.
M people?
M people, yeah.
Who are these M people?
So no one told your life was gonna be this way.
Your life's too cold.
I wonder if I could do these people.
Try.
So no one told your life was going to be this way.
Ooh, let me try.
So no one told your life was going to be this way.
Now, Brenda Toddledale.
Two for one haircuts at Snips.
No, no, no.
Stop working for a moment.
We are in plugs.
Have fun.
We are in plugs.
It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
All right, what are we plugging?
Ashling, what are, obviously, This Way Up is on Hulu.
The Way, no, Wild, Home Alone, Home Sweet Home Alone.
Yes, Alabama!
That is out on Disney+.
And then, I mean, that's already a lot of people's time isn't it?
No, please. Look, plugs are for everyone and there are unlimited plugs when we're within the plug section.
So please plug anything.
Wow, not just for butts, for Christmas too.
Yeah, exactly.
Plugs.
That's me pitching for Brenda's advertising agency again.
Okay, well.
I'm telling you, you're all hired.
You're all hired.
What have I done?
What have I done?
God, I don't know what I've done.
So you didn't even have anything.
You wanted more plugs even though you didn't have it.
I know, I know.
I got panicked.
I was at two for one sort of thing and I was like, oh, well, if it's two for one at the
start, then I've got an extra voucher.
You want to slip something in.
Yeah, but anything coming up?
You could go on my Instagram.
Okay.
Isn't that Instagram?
So Instagram, Lord Webber is like a platform.
Instagram, Lloyd Webber. I like this.
I know what Instagram is. I have a Finster.
Oh, you have a Finster.
You have a fun Insta for your real life.
Indeed.
Are you out there looking at Instagram thoughts?
I try not to.
Well, I mean, once you click on one,
suddenly the algorithm sends you the ball.
When someone pulls a first trip, what is one to do?
Other than salivate.
Exactly. A Pavlov's thirst trap.
Lord Webber, what would you like to plug here?
Well, I'd like to plug this.
Do you know, this is a new thing I've discovered,
is that you can watch videos of things online.
No, stop it.
Yes.
Videos online, you say, like Netflix? Yes. No, stop it. Yes, videos online you say, like Netflix?
Yes, no, what?
Like commercials.
No, not commercials, they're all online as well.
That's disruptive.
I'll look into it.
This is just, they've already done it.
Why are you looking?
I'll look into it.
I'll look into it.
This is a site called Vimeo.
Vimeo, like video.
It's like video but with an M.
Holy shit.
Yes, and there's this chap called Paul F. Tompkins.
No.
Disgusting.
What he's been doing is he's been posting these shows
that he's done live and for a fee,
you can stream them in your video at home.
Okay.
For like gold, the way you're paid?
I can't pay with gold, but I have a workaround.
Ah, okay.
But anyway, how did you know?
Because I think that's how they,
you have to turn it into gold
and you put it into the computer and then-
And then they turn it into money.
Ah, like Michael Stiltskin.
Yes, exactly.
And also, if you can guess his name,
you can watch these videos for free. His secret name.
Really? Oh, Paul of Tompkins?
Yes. His fake name is Paul of Tompkins.
His real name is lost.
Paul of Tompkins.
Oh, you've done it.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I've heard about this guy.
We talked about him last week.
His name is Paul of Tompkins now.
Isn't that right?
Tompkins time.
Was he bequeathed an O?
He was bequeathed an O from weirdo Al Yankovic.
Yeah, he dropped the O in weirdo.
He's just weird Al now?
He's just weird Al now, yeah.
He returned to weird Al.
So, but Paul has Dr. Dement's original O from Dr. Demento
that went to weirdo Al and now to Paul of Tompkins.
Don't put the O in the link though, it won't work.
Oh, okay.
Yes, but vimeo.com slash Paul F. Tompkins.
Put the O in that though.
Put the O in Tompkins.
Take it out of F.
But leave it in video. The slogan.
But yes, and so you could see you could see the shows that he's done.
They stay up there for about a month and then the new ones.
Push the old ones.
They push the old ones out, much like our friends, the Inuits
push out the elders on an ice floe.
Oh, god.
Okay, yeah.
Is that real?
He's got such a way with words.
He really does, yeah.
But an even better way with music.
Listen to the music of my plugs.
Which is that you should go to vimeo.com slash paul of tomkins.
Vimeo.com slash paul of tomkins.
A lot of great shows up there.
A lot.
More to come as far as I'm concerned. M-T-C-E.
Exactly, all right.
Brenda, what do you want to, Brenda Tattletail.
Well, I, you know-
On a soft track mentioning why her name
was what it was mentioned,
then it didn't factor that much into the actual-
Did you expect her appearance to be all about her name?
No, I was very confused by it.
Go ahead, Brenda.
Well, I, you know, maybe I should take this opportunity to just once again clarify that my name is
Brenda Tattletail because I believe that a brand's biggest secret is the good qualities of that brand.
I'll use a different example, Jiffy Lube.
Okay, Great company.
And my secret is you can drive to me, I'll change your oil in five minutes or less. Shhh.
That's a secret.
What?
You just told everybody.
It's my naughty little secret.
I get this.
Because if everybody knows, we'll go out of business.
Why?
Because if everybody knows, you'll go out of business. Wait, I don't understand. We'll go out of business. Cause everybody knows you'll go out of business.
Wait, I don't understand.
We'll go out of business.
Makes less sense to me now.
I know, I get it now.
This is bad.
Now you get it.
Now I get it and you don't.
Oh, that is bad news.
I understand your, I understand your thing now.
Okay, anyway, go ahead.
What do you want to plug?
That's my plug.
That was it?
Yes.
Weird.
I'm plugging my name so everybody understands.
Okay, does that make sense to me?
It's important.
All right, well, I want to plug.
Well, hey guys, this is the last episode
that is eligible for the best of.
Oh, I see.
That's right.
Voting is now open for the best ofs.
It's from Thanksgiving of the previous year
to Thanksgiving of this year.
This is the last ofs. It's from Thanksgiving of the previous year to Thanksgiving of this year. This is the last episode eligible.
What you need to do is go head over to cbbworld.com.
The poll is up there now.
cbbworld.com has the poll.
Vote for your 10 favorite episodes of the year
and the best of will be out at the end of the year.
That comedian you mentioned, Paul F. Tompkins,
he does the best ofs with me.
Does he really? He does, yeah.
I may listen to this show.
Vote for this episode as well as nine other episodes.
And remember, your votes are what make it work.
We entrust you to really be honest with your episodes.
Don't Sanjaya us with these episodes.
It's a sacred duty.
It truly, truly is.
And we need you to take that
and be very, very serious with it,
but have a good time as well.
Like take it seriously, but you know.
Voting can be fun.
Have a laugh.
Do have a laugh.
I remember when I voted for Boris Johnson,
I was like, this is a laugh.
I went home and I told the staff what I'd done.
How did they?
Well, they laughed, of course.
Oh, of course.
I indicate when something is supposed to be funny.
Oh, it's very funny.
And then they know what to do.
With your money, so they know, yeah, so they know to laugh.
So head over there to cbbworld.com
and while you're over there, while you're down there,
check out all of our shows, or while you're at Brain Height,
like the three Phantom of the Opera levels.
Brain Height.
God, it's great when everything ties up cleanly.
While you're there, check out some of our shows.
This week on Scott Hasn't Seen, we watched Adam's Family Values with Lauren Lapkus.
That was a lot of fun.
And we have some other stuff coming up.
And Freedom! Freedom Season 4 has started.
And you can hear that here on Earwolf, anywhere podcasts are,
as well as you can listen to it ad free
on Citra Premium and CBBworld.com.
You like freedom.
I love freedom.
Freedom, I won't let you down.
That's a good George Michael.
I won't let you down.
That's a bad George Michael,
but a great Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Thank you.
All right, let's close up the old plug bag.
Yes. Of course, of course.
Bright.
Nice.
Bright.
Nice eyes.
Bright.
And he's bright.
Bright.
Nice eyes.
Bright. Niceives to grind. Knives to grind. Knives to grind. Knives to grind.
Knives to grind.
Knives to grind.
That might be a bit horny guys.
That's what it's hand-hold.
Knives to grind.
Knives to grind.
Interesting.
That was Grind F. Tompkins.
That's how it opens up.
It opens up.
Who will buy this wonderful morning?
That was Grind F. Tompkins by Harmless Villain.
Thank you so much to Harmless Villain.
Send on your plugs themes.
All right.
Well guys, thank you so much for being here.
Lord Webber, love you buddy.
This is the end of the show.
We'll see you next time.
Bye. Bye. Bye on your plugs themes.
All right, well guys, thank you so much for being here.
Lord Webber, love you buddy.
Come on, let's hug it out.
All right.
Post pandemic hug.
You're squeezing too tight.
There we go.
You're leaving ad prints.
All right, we'll see you next time.
Thanks, bye.
Bye.
time thanks bye