Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Jon Hamm, Paul F. Tompkins, Jessica McKenna, Zach Reino (Going Hamm)

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

This is part 4 of our "Going Hamm" series, originally episode 540 titled "Low Five." Actor and longtime friend of the show Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame joins Scott to chat about his new film Beirut, breaking the internet, and his middle name. Then, Al A. Peterson aka The Smooth Criminal returns to talk about the number one reason why people use his services to fake their deaths. Later, park ranger Margery Kershaw stops by to tell us about being transferred from her beloved Pinnacles National Park. Plus, Pokemon trainer Dash Grabum arrives to talk about his journey to become a Pokemon monster. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, this is host Scott Aukerman welcoming you to this week's Bonus Bang! This is episode four in our Going Ham series, which are featuring episodes that had our good friend Jon Hamm from Mad Men, amongst other things, I believe a double Emmy nominated. I believe the Emmys already gave him one or didn't give him one. Now that I'm realizing when this comes out. Good luck to him though. This week's episode is number 540. It's called Low Five.

It was released April 8th, 2018. It features Jon Hamm and myself, and we're joined by Paul F. Tompkins as Al A. Peterson, Jessica McKenna as Park Ranger Marjorie, Kershaw and Zacharino as Pokemon Trainer-Grabham. Now if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB Archive, you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com where you can find every episode we've ever recorded, as well as every single live episode. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

Until then, enjoy this bonus bang! Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bangivernick returns to doing our cash phrases. Welcome back. Comedy Bang Bang for another week. This is exciting April. These are no April fools for this show. We have an exciting show. Scott Aukerman, I am your host. Coming up we have from movies and television actor John Ham will be here.

Actor John Ham. Actor John. My first name is actor. Oh he is here. Yes actor John Ham. Do you know by the way... A terrible first name. What was his name?

Something... Justin actor? Do you know Justin actor? No. He's a great actor. I think we all know Justin actor do you know just So John is here welcome to the welcome back to the show Oh, it's so nice to be here new film Beirut coming out this Friday. Yes It will be it will be coming out. It will be seen. Yes It will be enjoyed people's eye receptacles will be they're gonna be

filled with the sights and sounds of a political thriller set in the 70s would you suggest that people the 1870s who the 1870s really in Beirut really no it wasn't a city state really or part of Lebanon wait a minute I'm looking at the poster here and you're wearing sunglasses well you're right then I'm sorry it was it's in the 1970 sorry, it's in the 1970s. Oh, it's in the 1970s. I was completely confused. By the way, is sunglasses on a poster, does that automatically mean the 1970s? Probably.

Like the poster for vinyl, do you remember that television show? There were definitely sunglasses. I believe that was Bobby Cannavale with sunglasses on. Just with a big sepia-toned set of sunglasses. Yeah. Barry, would you, do you think it would be a great way to watch a movie? Reflected in someone's sunglasses. No, I think it would be a terrible way to watch a it would be backwards And you have subtitles you would have to read them backwards and you can't that's right Are there some titles in there except for Leonardo da Vinci?

I Think he can read subtitles backwards in sunglasses. It's a shame that he was not around to see movies with subtitles I think he might have invented sunglasses though. Really? Well Da Vinci invented the helicopter. Did he invent UV protection? The elevator? He invented ultraviolet protection. He well at least he knew it was bad for you So he knew sunglasses were bad for you No, that ultraviolet radiation was bad for you. But he invented sunglasses without UV protection. It was difficult. It was, of course, Renaissance Italy. Remember all those years you wore sunglasses without UV protection? Remember all those years you wore sunglasses and didn't watch people's movies in them? Remember those years, but

now everything is different. You can do it. What if someone were to watch Beirut on a phone reflected in someone's sunglasses? Would that be a good way to watch it? I think it would break the internet. Have you ever broken the internet by the way? Just when Kim Kardashian put that thing on her tushy. Yeah. My boner was, it just broke my screen. I've never broken the, I'd love to break the internet.

I wish the internet would break and go away. Well then, uh, this podcast would not exist And I think the price would be too high. To be fair, I think we, this one, we're safe. This part of the internet, this corner, the CBB, the ear wolf corner. This is okay. That would be the one corner you would keep. We would keep that corner. Okay. Just keep that corner. Let's keep the sensible, funny, nice, friendly,

fun corners of the internet. But you know, there can't just be one corner of something. You need at least three corners if you're in a pyramid, you know? You're right. Alright. So what other corners of the- Keep the porn. Okay, porn and Comedy Bang Bang universe.

Then that's two. That's two. Two points establish a line. That's all we need. The internet is a- Can you have two corners? I mean, maybe if it were- no, I mean maybe if you know I mean I guess not you're you need at least three hold on I guess yeah you need three we need

one more corner in a corner you make another corner yeah what's the third corner third corner I'm gonna say iBooks iBooks so all books are just books that are in the iBook format well yeah or ebooks what's the right word Ebooks probably audible.com is a sponsor occasion. Just audible. We just keep auto what about but you may need Squarespace In order to make websites, right? You know, yeah, so we'll get four corners. Let's keep the four Let's keep it for audible Squarespace porn and comedy bang bang. Then again legal zoom.com Now we're in a whole Pentagon But that's okay, I like being in a Pentagon. I don't mind that. You ever visited the Pentagon?

These are good questions, right? I have never been to the Pentagon. You've never been there? I've seen it. I'm driven by it. It's imposing. It's, uh, you never know what side you're on. You know what I mean?

Exactly. I think I'm on the front side, and then you're like, oh no, I'm on- Or is it the back? Yeah, I don't know. Is there a front or back of a Pentagon? I think it would be interesting if this- The point has'm on the front side and then you're like oh no I'm always at the back yeah I don't know is there a front or back of a Pentagon I think it'd be interesting if this point has to be the front the staple center were a Pentagon I think that would be cool there should be more Pentagon there should be more Pentagon buildings it is a great because you're right what's the point yeah

literally literally and there should be more pyramid hotels like the Luxor Luxor like they make the Luxor and then everyone is like this place is everyone's like this amazing this is this Luxor. Like they make the Luxor, and then everyone is like, this place is- For a hot second, everyone's like, this is amazing. This place rules. And then they realize, like staying in a pyramid is probably not fun. Also, probably-

Because literally you're kind of leaning at an angle. Probably a waste of space too. So much wasted space. Like the air rights to that. It's terrible. There's, but at the Luxor, is there one room at the very top? If there isn't, then what is the fucking point?

I would love to stay there. If you're listening, if the Luxor people are listening. David and Louise Luxor, if you're listening. John and I want to take a trip to Las Vegas. We- On you. On you, we only need it for seven nights. That's all we need.

Only a week. Only a week, one week. There's 52 of them in a year. Yeah. Deal with it. Yeah, 51 other get that you can sell this room 12 feet of Hilarity yes, but stay in the I'm 6-2. What are you five? I'm sick. You're not 6-2. I have six do Wait, you're 6-2. I'm 6-2 and a half. Fair enough. Okay, so okay, so we just well over 12 12 feet 4 and a half inches Yeah, 12 and a half feet 12 and a half feet prior twelve and a third feet. Sorry of

of hilarity of hilarity entertainment interest and marginal Ridiculousness we're gonna need we're gonna see all the shows all of them not not just the Luxor shows We want all the Cirque du Soleil's we want want love. And all we want, really, is to stay on the point. That's all we want. We want to stay on the point. We want to get on each other's shoulders, see if we can touch the tip. That's all we want, and we need seven days to do it.

Why won't you let us touch the tip, Luxor? Come on, Luxor. Tell us about Beirut. Beirut is a story that takes place in the 70s and 80s. And it's about, it's a serious movie, which is, it's kind of nice because it doesn't, it's fiction, but it takes place in this kind of... It takes place on Earth. It takes place on Earth. So that's real. Yeah, it's real, but it's fictional. It's a fictional story. It's based on true events, but didn't actually happen. It takes place on Earth, and this is an Earth with trees and seas and the same seven consonants. Yeah, oh yeah.

Trees and seas. Trees and seas. It's not on Pangea. Sure. It's basically about like what went wrong, how it started to go wrong in the Middle East. Okay. What we kind of messed up. So this is the tipping point the tipping point of where the PLO started to gain power and Israel Started to sort of dominate in the region and and what the US did and did not do

Correctly and my character is kind of a conflict Negotiator who who go who gets assigned there to sort of figure it out and does it with varying degrees of success. So in some scenes you're really successful and you high five everyone in the scene. A million high fives. And then other scenes you're like,

dang, I did not do that well. You know what happens, low fives. Low fives, yes. What if low fives were, whenever you failed, you're like, all right, everyone, low five. Well, sorry, guys. Let's low five this out and try to do better next time. I heard that any time you pass a tree or a sea in the movie,

you say, oh, look at that. Is that true? In Beirut? Yes. You'll notice it. And it's a fun Easter egg. I think it's fun for the fans It's good. There's so many Middle Eastern fan like fans of the genre Middle-eastern movies or movies named after Middle Eastern places What are these movies named after Middle Eastern place? Well, there's obviously Roman J Israel Esquire, of course We all know the area of Roman J Esquire.

And there's Beirut and I think there's That the wonderful movie Egyptian times. Egyptian times, yes, and the Prince of Egypt. Prince of Persia. Prince of Egypt, I think is a thing though, but Prince of Persia. Prince of Persia is definitely a thing. Jake Gyllenhaal played a Persian. But Prince, isn't Prince of Egypt a Dreamworks animated film?

Sure. Thank you very much. We can't Prince of Egypt a DreamWorks animated film? Sure. Thank you very much. We can't agree. We can all go around and. It seems like it's a mistake though to put out two films called Prince of Persia and Egypt. Well, it seems like they're definitely stepping on each other's toes.

That's true. Speaking of stepping on each other's. I'm sure by the way, a delightful soft shoe with a curly tip. That's true. Did you know that? The Aladdin shoe, they call it. Of course.

Yeah. You know, it seems like Aladdin, a lot like Michael Jordan, should have had his own line of shoes after that movie. Yeah, I would have thought. With the big curly tip. I mean, first of all, they look remarkably comfortable. Incredibly comfortable. I would wear those on the regs with the children's.

And on the court. And on the court. And on the court. John, you're obviously an incredible actor who is in many films. Tag coming up a little later in the year. Yeah, Tag coming out in June. Coming out in June. And I doubt we'll have you back on before Tag.

Yeah, don't sell yourself short, Scott. I might come back. I might come back. I might come back regularly. Yes, I would love it if you were here. I'm a longtime friend of the show. You are. You are. Early adopter. I believe episode maybe 18 or something. When we were on terrestrial radio.

Yes, exactly. Remember those days? Indy 103. Indy 103.1? Yes, of course. So you've been a long time friend of the show and also I believe a personal friend. In the area. A personal friendship. But I've always wanted to know what is your middle name?

My middle name? Are you okay? Wait, I think our next guest is trying to get our attention somehow. Yeah, what is happening? I'm in fact doing the opposite. I'm trying not to get your attention. Well, you failed. You failed.

Low five. I do. Low five. Low five, please. I cannot low five you, I'm sorry. Really, John? You and I are going to have to. Okay, there we go.

Thanks, Scott. Thanks for not leaving anyone hanging. Bit of trouble with this chair, I apologize. What is going on over there? It's leaning back despite my will. Well, are you okay? Are you gonna be alright? I'm fine, it's just a little uncomfortable. Well, we may as well introduce you. I'm not sure if you know Jon Hamm here. I don't know if we've met. No, I don't believe we've met, sir. This is, he's been on the show several times. Oh yes I have.

He's more commonly known as the smooth criminal, but his Christian name is Allé Peterson. Or is it? Oh that's right, you may have changed it. I may have. Because I am a criminal. That's why I'm the smooth criminal. But it doesn't sound that smooth if you're introducing yourself such. Well there's more to the story.

Fair enough. Do criminals really introduce themselves as criminals? Exactly! Or do they try to get away with it by saying, I'm just a businessman? I'm a genuine criminal, I guess you could say, because I admit that I am a criminal. Fair enough. Fair enough. At least you're honest.

You're honest until you commit crimes. That's right. Well, even my crimes are not... Well, no, they're pretty dishonest. You're sort of an anti-hero, in a way. I like that. Let's say I am. Okay.

And of course the smooth part is that my body is entirely hairless. Oh. Unexpected. Yeah. I thought it was that, that malevolent voice. Oh, that's just a side effect. That's a byproduct of the shaving? You should have heard me before.

Really? Can you do an impression of yourself? Poss should have heard me before. Really? Can you do an impression of yourself? Possibly? I could try. Okay, let's hear it, yeah. It's been a long time. Hey guys.

Oh no, we couldn't have. No, no. Al. The smooth criminal. Al, Al. No, no, what? I much prefer the smooth voice. Please, yeah, we much prefer your smooth voice.

That's much better. Now speaking of Al, Al's middle name starts with A. That's true, and your middle name starts with A? Starts with D. Yes. Okay, so like the after death. My middle name is, yeah. Anno Domini.

Anno Domini. My middle name is Daniel. Daniel, ah. Al, your middle name? Should I tell? I've never divulged it before. Yeah, we've never spoken about this. That seems like a question that...

I mean, I feel like we're on the topic. It just seems like it might be nice. Well, all right. I hope this won't lead to my getting caught by the authorities. I think that Alan Peterson would fart. You think my first and last name are probably more of the... Yes, it's probably more of the clues. I don't think it's going to tip the scale. All right, if you must know, Amadeus.

Amadeus? Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus. Rock me. And by the way, this is not your Christian name? You chose this one? It may or may not be. Right, we'll get to that in a second. My middle name is real, though. I was named after Saint Amadeus.

Oh, okay. I took that as my confirmation name. Let's talk about, for those of you who have not heard Al before He's been on the show several times. You're the smooth criminal And you have a business explain your business as briefly as possible. Oh, you're from Florida, correct? Oh, that's not correct No that you may be I'm just trying to nail you down regionally. Oh, I bet you are

Must be thinking of someone else I must be thinking of someone else. I believe you're thinking of our good friend, J.W. Stillwater. That's exactly it. Oh, the crime fighter? Yeah, he's is. The amateur crime fighter, J.W. Stillwater. Is he on the lookout for you? I was going to say.

He probably is. I am a wanted criminal. Sounds like rival, a rivalry. He sounds like rival. He sounds like rival. Low five, John, for that. Sorry. You're doing a lot more low five since the last time I've seen you.

Well, we just started it, probably at the beginning of the show. So Al, tell us about your business. You want me to nutshell it for you? Nutshell, please. I help people fake their own deaths. Right. And the process... Process? Yeah, I mean, that's good enough.

I thought you wanted... I was under the instructions to explain it very briefly. Slightly more information. The process by which you do this. I have people shave their entire body, and then I furnish them with a new passport. You furnish them with a new passport. Yes. Furnish? Yes.

OK. What's the problem? Well, it just seems like maybe you just, I don't know, is that furniture? I think you could use the word furnish. Fair enough. But it's interesting that furnish certainly has. Furniture sort of co-opted it, though.

Do you think when David Furnish walks into a room, he says, this room is now furnished? I think he absolutely does. You've been furnished. It is interesting that furniture co-opted the word furnish. It's not like you call furniture like give, you know? I would go down this road. Okay, let's go down the road.

Scott, I'm gonna need a lo- five on that. Okay, here we go. Let's go down the road of your business though. You shave people. I shave people's entire bodies. Why is the shaving? It's to change your identity. That's what I did. I faked Alopecia to get out of a long-term relationship. You were in a relationship with a woman. What was her name? Carlifer. Carlifer. And she, you did not want to be in this relationship. And what was the main reason? I got cold feet. I, you know, we were together for a long time. We were college sweethearts. Right. And things got serious. It was time to either get married. Put up or shut up. And I chose to shut up in the form of shaving my entire body, telling her I had alopecia, hoping

that she would be too shallow to continue the relationship. She surprised me by being a better person than I even imagined. And I disappeared. Right. Taking with me. She was ready to accept you as a perilous. As a propitiaed man.

Of course she was. Carlifer's a living saint. Yes. And then you disappeared with her favorite hoodie. Yes. And she's been searching for you ever since. That's right. Due to love or the hoodie, have we ever found that out?

I guess I'll find out when we finally meet up. She's sort of like your one-armed man. But does she have both arms? I'm sort of her one-armed man. Is that true? The one-armed man didn't chase the fugitive. I thought that he was chasing the fugitive. Wait.

He was the fugitive. He was on the run. Fugitive was running from everyone, except for one the run Fugitive was running from everyone except for one person fugitive was running from the one of why didn't they call the one-armed man the also fugitive? Because he's running from the fugitive. He wasn't a fugitive from justice, but you want much like furniture He one can be a fugitive the here's the thing The fugitive was chasing the one-armed man to prove his innocence. Oh Because he had seen his wife murdered the one-armed man to prove his innocence. Oh. Because he had seen his wife murdered by a one-armed man. By the way, we don't give that one-armed man

enough credit. No kidding. That must be difficult to murder someone with one arm. If Hattie had two arms, that's a done deal. You could have blended right into the ground. Blended right into the thing. This guy really, he knew how to hide. You think he'd wear a fake arm to murder someone

so that people are like, no, he definitely had two arms. He definitely had two arms. Yeah. He couldn't be a one-armed man. Well, but that does seem strange though that he would just have one arm hanging limply by his side. Not defending himself with it.

One floppy arm. It was the floppy-armed man. His hand might be turned around the wrong way. That's not an arm. That's a weird... Why was he wearing one glove? Michael Jackson? Fair enough. His hand might be turned around the wrong way. That's not an arm. That's a weird. Why was he wearing one glove?

Michael Jackson? Fair enough. Did Michael Jackson kill the fugitive's wife? Ooh. Reopen that gold case. Do you think Michael Jackson had a- Let's get Quincy Jones on that. Did Michael Jackson have a fake arm?

Are you a fan, like I am, of Quincy Jones mysteries? What about Quincy Jones medicine man? Somebody write it, please. So, so, and one other detail I want, I did want to, cause I'm barely- I wonder what it could be. I'm barely remembering it. But how did Carlifer get her name? The name Carlifer is a clumsy portmanteau of her parents' names, Carl and Jennifer. And did this ever come up in the relationship of discussion?

Well, Scott, as a matter of fact, it did. You know, when I was meeting Carlifer's parents for the first time, we'd been dating for some months and I met her parents dinner at their home. And what you have to understand is she comes from somewhat of a troubled home. Her mother is of course a vermouth alcoholic. Right. That's a hard one. Yes.

That's a lot of bottles. She drinks bottle after bottle of vermouth. They're so small. The bottles are small. They're not big. No. Even so small. Bottles are small. They're not big. No. Even if you go to a Bevmo or a Costco. You're not going to get a liter of vermouth.

No, you're not. And you shouldn't. No, you should not. And her father, of course, is a sniveling, spineless worm. Right. So Jennifer wears the pants. Well, when she can get them on properly, she's not passed out drunk from vermouth. So Carlifer was sort of in a broken home,

didn't have a lot of parental guidance. That's right. And then you came over to meet them. Yeah. And what was your reaction to them? Well, I met her father. Her mother, of course, was in the kitchen on her eighth bottle of vermouth, burning the dinner.

What was she cooking that night? I think it was three towels. Oh, no. I think she'd had three thick and thirsty bath towels folded up in the oven. Now, we had never spoken about that before. That's new detail. I was going to say, no sauce?

You gotta have gravy. That's tough. I was going to say, no sauce? It's a... Ha ha ha. She... Oh, dear. You've got to have gravy. She may have ladled some conditioner on there. Oh, no. And so when I met Carl, Carlifer's father, I decided I'm going to test this guy's metal

and see who I'm dealing with. Right. Do you do that often when you meet a new person? You're a metal tester? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel like I've got the measure of a man immediately. Fair enough. I don't remember you testing my metal. I hadn't been metal tested on you.

Yeah, I don't believe you have. What? Surprise, you both have. What? Whoa. I did it in secret. Oh, no. I've got it down to a science.

Wait, you did it secretly or you did it hiding from us in secret? Both. Oh really? Yes. So we haven't seen you at a certain point. I was here before you were here. What? Yes, I was waiting for you.

He's always been here. Oh. And I always will be. Wait, you just live here? I live here inside the walls. Wait, have you met Mayor Junius Bobbledunery? Oh, is he a little tiny guy? A little tiny guy, yeah.

Yes, I have met Mayor Junior's bubble dutery? Oh, is he a little tiny guy? A little tiny guy, yeah. Yes, I have met him. Okay, great. So now you were testing Carl's metal. Yes. I want to see who I was dealing with. Right. Nah.

Nah. Nah, how'd it go? What was the results of this? Well, here's what happened. He held out his hand for me to shake. I took it, I squeezed, and I subtly bent him backwards using just the power of my hand. His spine backwards or he took a step back?

I forced him to shrink from me. Really? Yes. And I said to his face, Yes. And I said to his face, Yes? Carlifer is a clumsy poor manteau. And he thanked me for saying it. He thanked you? He got it.

Oh, what a worm. He realized he made a mistake. He's a coward, he's a coward. He's yellow. He shirked from you. Yes he did. Oh my God, what a worm. Where is he now, I wonder?

Probably in the same chair, waiting for his wife to sober up. Just eating a towel. Or a washcloth. Oh my gosh. How about if it's lunch time. Well. Well Al. Let's give it a medium It's it's so good to see you, Al. I mean, you're one of our favorite. It's good to be out of the shadows. Yes. You are. Are you getting out more? I mean, you've been this identity for so long. Well, you know, sometimes I put on disguises

just so I can walk around and be free. But it's scary because the police and of course, Carliver could be around any corner. Right. What kind of disguises are you putting on? Like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean? Exactly.

Are you working the stretch of Hollywood Boulevard? What do you mean? Just, you know, shaking hands and taking pictures? Do you know the man's Chinese theater? Yeah. I've heard of it, of course. Have you ever passed by it? I don't think so.

In costume? Because you should. Why is that? Might make a little extra dough. A little extra cash for you.. Have you ever passed by it? Mm, I don't think so. In costume? Because you should. Why is that? Might make a little extra dough. A little extra cash for you. What are you, walking past the theater?

Yeah, people will want to hand you money if you're in a clever disguise. You'll have to take a few pictures. Oh, I'm out. Oh, okay. I can't have my picture taken, of course. Not even in disguise. Not even in disguise?

Not even in disguise. Technology is such now they could remove my disguise digitally and know exactly who I am. There's an app for that? Probably. Then how do you handle your social media profiles? Oh, I have an intern do that. Oh, fair enough. That's sensible. I've taken on some interns.

Okay. So... They do the majority of the shaving. That's right. You're still faking it. I don't know why you have to fake it. It almost seems like Carlifer and the authorities would be looking for a hairless person. Scott, don't be absurd.

The interns don't shave me, I do that myself. The shaving of the clients, of course. Oh, I see, I see. I made that mistake too. And was there something where you shave everyone except for their buttholes? That's right, I let them retain the hair around their anus so they can still keep some of their own identity.

Yes, that's right. That only they will know about. Right. Is that just because of your butthole aversion, or is it? I'm not going to lie, that's a big part of it. Did you ever have a client in the initial stages who farted in your face, and you were like, OK. I can't do this anymore.

I cannot do this. This is a bridge too far. To answer your other question, the reason I keep shaving is because I love to swim. Oh, that's true. Saving precious seconds. That's right. What's your stroke? I love the breaststroke. I love the butterfly. I love the crab. I love the selkie. Dog paddle, number one with a bullet. Dog paddle's number one. Love it. Love it.

Really, it doesn't seem that fun to me. I'm probably the fastest dog paddling you've ever. Are you a distance man or a sprinter? Both. Both? I sprint for distance. What's your time? On Save the 200 Meter.

What do you do a 100 meters dog paddle in? Gotta be under a minute. Oh yes, it's, I think my last best was 29 seconds, but that was quite a while ago. I haven't achieved that yet. That is a very, very fast dog paddle. Very fast, especially for a dog paddle, yeah. Yeah, that's a very fast dog paddle.

My last time was probably 44 seconds. 44 seconds, wow. That's still an impressive dog paddle. What is Phelps doing? Like a hundred? Phelps dog paddle? A Phelps dog paddle probably goes in at about, low 40s, sure. Yeah. I mean, that's Olympic level dog paddling.

We'll never know because he refuses to accept my challenge. He will never do it. And by the way, you mentioned the selkie. Yes. Few people can do the selkie. It's very difficult. Ever, ever anymore. What exactly is the selkie? It's a stroke. Ever, ever anymore. What exactly is the selkie? It's a stroke from the 17th century

that nobody really practices anymore. And it's quite impressive. How to describe it, if you could. You start at the end of the pool. Sure, much like any. You jump in the pool like a human being. Okay. But then the idea is,

as you make your way across the pool, you transform into a seal. Oh! An Irish seal, I believe, isn't it? An Irish seal. So you have to sort of take on the affect of an Irish seal. The attributes of a seal. You also have to act out the transformation.

There's that. I mean, this is why, really, it's a very high degree of difficulty. You have to be both swimmer and actor. Yeah, sort of like the morphing technology that James Cameron invented for Terminator 2, Judgement Day. Or black and white, I think Michael Jackson's That's true, yeah. Some of the video. Now you're talking. Okay, you had no idea what I, do you not go see movies?

He is on the run. Except, you've been here in LA for a surprisingly long amount of time. The only movie I've ever seen is Blue Jasmine. Blue, Blue Jasmine? I can't stay at a movie theater for too long. Is that because of Dice Clay? I usually last a half hour. I think I have a friend who has only seen Blue Jasmine. Yes, Blue Jasmine, the Andrew Dice Clay movie. The Andrew Dice Clay movie, right? Ford Fairlane, Blue Jasmine. That's the extent of his filmography. And vinyl. And of course vinyl. Yes. You remember the poster to vinyl, right? By the way, sunglasses of course were invented a long time ago because Dracula wore them as we saw in that one film.

Oh, that's right, yes. You have seen more films than just Andrew. Well, I've seen a half hour of many films. Do you know my friend Tracy? Tracy Reardon? Who's that? She's a willful, ignorant child who, she can only see a half hour of films. And Blue Jasmine, I believe, is the only one that she's seen back to back.

Is she also a wanted criminal? No, she's not. I mean, I do believe she may be in trouble recently because Claire is going out of business. Oh. Who's Claire? It's one of her only jobs. One of her only jobs. She has several jobs, so it's one of her only ones though. She also works at Baskin Robbins. Who's Robbins? Do you think Tony Robbins? Baskin, I know. Do you think Tony Robbins? Baskin, I know. Do you think Tony Robbins is part of that conglomerate? Has to be. If he's not, he's crazy.

He's crazy. He's missing out. He's got to invest in at least 29 of those 31 flavors. Now you say your friend, the only movie she's seen back to back is Blue Jasmine. I believe so. And that's your experience as well? Well, I've seen Blue Jasmine all the way through.

That is probably what I meant. When I say back to back, I've seen Blue Jasmine all the way through. That is probably what I meant. When I say back to back, I mean all the way through. I didn't watch it twice in a row. I guess I mean the front being one back and the end being another back. Both backs. Yeah, everyone gets that.

That's English. If you see a whole movie, that's called Making the Beast with Both Backs. Well, Al, it's great to see you. How's your business going? Everything going well? It's going great. Yeah? People are faking their deaths all the time. What is the most, what is the reason, Well Al, it's great to see you. How's your business going? Everything going well? It's going great.

People are faking their deaths all the time. What is the most, what is the reason, what is the biggest reason you get from... Yeah, John, would you ever fake your own death? I would not. I don't, I want to live. You're on top of the world at this point. You say that now. Well exactly. So what is the number one reason people come to you? Here's why. I need to, I gotta get out. Money troubles?

Yeah, is it cash? Is it... Relationship? You'd think it was money troubles. Hmm But it's not oh, okay, I'll tell you exactly what it is After this break, okay, I guess we do have to take a break This is exciting That's a real cliffhanger. Yeah on the other side of this this, we're going to hear what the number one reason why people fake their own death. We'll be right back with more Jon Hamm, more Ale Peterson.

We also have a friend of ours, Park Ranger, coming up, Marjorie Kershaw, and a trainer will be a little later. So come on back after this, more Comedy Bang Bang. Bum-ba-dum-bump. Bum-ba-dum-bump. Yeah. Bum-ba-dum-bump. Bum-ba-dum-bump.

Bum-ba-dum-bump. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Jon Hamm. Beirut opens this Friday. How many screens? How many bang bang we're back here with John Hamm Beirut opens this Friday How many how many screens how many reels seven screens 42 reels? It's a long one. It's a it's a 42 hour movie Wow and it's because it's so in-depth sure It's all in one shot. I heard it's all in one shot. It takes place over So it only took 42 hours to film which is great It takes place over a 142 hour day There are a lot of extra hours in the day people don't know because they go to sleep, but there's like

People don't get it like it's like 18 extra hours you manage to stay up You can see all 42 hours of the day sleep must be nice. You don't sleep. I very rarely sleep Really? Why vigilance you're always on the run always on the run. You're just sleep? I very rarely sleep. Really? Why? I'm very vigilant. Because you're always on the run. I'm always on the run. But you're just staying here in the walls at Earwolf. There's a lot of noise here. Yeah, that's true.

A lot of people shouting. Some people dying. So 42 hours. That's amazing. Yeah, it's a beautiful, beautiful film. And if anybody ever watches the whole thing through, they'll be transformed and incorporates I would imagine one sun up and one sundown. Absolutely Wow

That's what you want in a film, you know, you want to see the Sun go up you want to see the Sun go down Good night. Yep, exactly. We also have Al A Peterson here the smooth criminal and before the break. This is exciting What what man I was like, yeah, I was on the edge of my seat. Tenter hooks. Oh my goodness. He mentioned that the number one reason why people fake their deaths is not money, not relationships. It's actually something different. What is it? It's calling people Carolyn when their name is Caroline. Oh my God. What? That's, I've done it. It's embarrassing. And by the way, I've wanted to end my own life. Yeah. 100% correct. Oh my the way, I've wanted to end my own life. Yeah. 100% correct.

Oh my gosh, that... what a terrible situation to be in. You know you'll see that person again. Ah. Unless... ... Wait, what were you gonna say? Unless you come to me. Oh, I'm sorry.

Unless Al intervenes. Oh, got it, yeah. Okay. By the way, I've never done this before, but since we're talking about John's business, I'd like to talk about my business a little bit. Oh, sure. By the way, I've never done this before but since we're talking about John's business I'd like to talk about my business a little bit. Oh sure. Just a little plug. If you are looking to fake your own death, if you've called someone Carolyn and their name is Caroline, if you've thought someone was pregnant and you found out they're not at all. Said how many months? You can contact me, of course, through German Craigslist.

Really? The listing is in code. Craigslist? Craigslist. And it's in code you say? Yes, it's in code. In German? Yeah. And what is the code for people to, so that they can contact you?

Basically you just have to read all the ads. Oh, okay. Decode all of them. Figure out which one. It'll be obvious. My ad it's, you know, it's not, if you're just skimming, it's not obvious, but if you really read. Really read them.

Completely take in every single ad on German Craigslist. So it's not gibberish. It is not gibberish. But it is something that when you read it very, very carefully. It'll be like the ad is winking at you. I see. Ah, a little sly nod. I also include the emoticon where it's like the semicolon

and then parentheses. So that's a winky face. Yes, exactly. So you include that emoticon, which is just the one right side up. Yeah, look for that. Okay, got it. Right side up.

Right side up, head with winking. Right side up head with winking. Isn't, isn't, is that emoticon can be a combination of characters? Yes, that's what an emoticon is. Oh, I thought it was just one thing. Are you thinking of an emoji? Oh, I'm thinking of emojis. Yes, definitely. I love those. Do you like those? The early version of an emoticon. I don't like those because, you know, I wrote a screenplay for a motocon the movie It was gonna be live-action

That's tough did you say that several times in the script like hey by the way this is my to be yes on every page Don't forget Well, sir Ian McKellen. We, I'm so sorry about that, but no more time to get into that because we have to get to our next guest if that's all right. It's fine by me. I can't even stay for the whole show probably. Really? You have to go? Why is that? Well, he's on the run.

Thank you very much. I don't know why you keep forgetting this. He's literally looking over both shoulders constantly. Yeah, if someone were to burst in here, what would you do? There's four corners in this room, it's not a pentagon, nor a pyramid. Well, that's why I keep those smoke bombs. Smoke bomb and you're out. Smoke bomb and I'm out.

So if you're bursting into a room, block the door with your body, and don't be confused by the smoke. Why are you giving advice to people trying to catch me? Well, I mean, what I loved about the fugitive was Tommy Lee Jones was as good at chasing fugitives as Harrison Ford was at being the fugitive. So I want evenly matched. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yes.

I'm sick of hearing about the fugitive. It's very insulting to me. You brought it up, didn't you? No. Who did? You. You did. What?

You did, Scott. I don't know, it's a great film. I don't care. Al correctly informed us that we were wrong about the one-armed man's role, and it clearly knows a lot about both fugitives and the fugitive. How did you ever watch an hour television program

like the fugitive? I would of course record it and then fast forward to the commercials. Well that's still 45 minutes. You can only sit for a half hour at a time? You get the gist. Oh okay, got it. Also you can cut out the first five, 10 minutes

of any hour long show. Yeah, that's true. And you can follow along the first five ten minutes of any hour long show and you can follow along. It's all set up. Character development. All right well we do need to get speaking of character development to our next guest. She is a park ranger she's been on the show before. Please welcome back Marjorie Kershaw. Oh hi Scott. Hi it's so good to see you again. Good to see you. This is Al, this is John. Can I call you Al? Please, you can call me Al. When you call him. And what is your name again?

Marjorie. Any chance I could call you Betty? Yeah, that sounds fun. Only you though. So I can call you Betty. You can call me. Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al. That's great.

Oh, that's fun. You can call me by your name, by the way. Okay, you call me by your name and I'll call you Al. Okay, great. Wait a second. Which one's Al? You guys decide. Uh oh.

I believe I'm Al. I think I'm Al too. I think we're all Al. Yeah, I think moment to moment, anyone can be Al. This is a great way to blend in to the shadows, Al. That's true. Get a bunch of Al's. If everyone had the same name.

You get a bunch of owls, then no one knows who you are. And you're except you're hairless. Only get everyone to name their bodies. Well, I think you have some interns. But now Marjorie, I'm still the only one who can call you Betty. That's right. Even though you will refer to all of us as owls.

At any given time, anyone can be owl, but you call me Betty. Everyone else, please call me Ranger Marjorie. Ranger Marjorie, okay, I can't not even- You're a park ranger. I am a park ranger. Have you thought of shortening it to rangerie? Oh, that's a nice portmanteau. Or Rango, what about Rango? Why Rango?

Yeah, why Rango, Scott? I know you haven't seen that film, Al, but it's a great film about Johnny Depp plays a lizard. A lizard, a western lizard. Yeah. You know, if I were still stationed at my beloved Pinnacles National Park. Wait a minute, wait a minute, what?

Well, Scott, since we last spoke, I've been transferred. Oh no. No, you loved Pinnacles. I loved Pinnacles, the jazz hands of Central California. Right. And I. Why was it called that? Well, Pinnacles, the rocks shoot up

and it sort of looks like Earth's jazz hands. Oh, I see. You know, I was trying to get that going so we could get more up. Why was it called that? Well, Pinnacles, the rocks shoot up and it sort of looks like Earth's jazz hands. Oh, I see. You know, I was trying to get that going so we could get more, well, we don't have butts in the seats, more feet on the hikes. Boots on the ground. Well, that's a little scary, Scott. What a fun phrase.

I like feet on the trail. Feet on the trail. Feet on the trail, Scott. And I've been, if I were still at my beloved Pinnacles, Rango would be more appropriate. We had all kinds of lizard creatures, lizard friends there, but I'm no longer in such a warm- You had lizard creatures? Yeah. You know, lizard-

Avila monsters? Sure. Sure. Now I'm no longer in such a warm climate. Oh, I'm so sorry. Where were you transferred to? Oh, well now I'm one of the rangers at the gates of the Arctic, the America's northernmost and least visited national park. Oh, no.

Yeah, up there in Alaska. In Alaska? Well, I went to my superiors and I said, listen, I've been doing my best to keep people away from bees, but I think I'm ready for a bigger challenge. Please send me where there's danger. Now you thought a bigger challenge was like a bigger, something bigger than a bee? More bees! Oh, more bees!

Yeah. So wait, you just wanted to go to a place that had more bees per capita? Yeah, that's right. I heard that- What is the BPC up in the pinnacles? The BPC was 40 bees per person. Wow, that is too many bees.

That's way too many bees. Well, you know, and we need bees as well. We sure, of course. So I was teaching a respectful fear. 30 per? But please don't swat, you know, and we need bees as well. We sure, of course. I was teaching a respectful fear. Perdy? Per? But please don't swat. You know, we need bees. But Death Valley, there's 60 bees per P.

That's 20 more bees. That's a lot more bees. And so I was fingers crossed. You down with BPP? I was down with BPP. You know me. Sure, I do. And now I'm up.

Returning to the show. Where there's zero B per P, unless there's five B per P, if the B is bear, Scott. Oh, bears. So bears, so there's five bears per person up there, and what was it called again? Which park? Gates of the Arctic.

Gates of the Arctic, so five bears? Five bears per person. And by the way, you said this is the most, America's most northern national park. That's right. And by the way, you said this is the most, America's most northern national park? That's right. And least visited. And second worst. Second worst?

What's the worst? Based on... Congaree National Park in South Carolina, they can get the hell out of here. Who votes on worst? You know, it's one of those US news polls. Oh, okay. Where you're like, oh, if my alumni donate more, my college is ranked higher. But you know, you still, they do carry some weight, Scott.

Sure, sure. People look at those. They are, they are the taste makers. That's only the US news. It's the US news and world report. That's true. It's the world report, Scott. Betty, what makes a Congaree the worst national park?

Well, you know, them, they're about a hundred M per P, a hundred mosquitoes per P. Oh, that's a deal breaker. It's a swamp land. So, you know. But they're about 100 M per P, 100 mosquitoes per P. Oh, that's a deal breaker. It's a swampland. For a man with no hair. You're going to get covered. It's like the first Thanksgiving for those guys. Is hair like the first line of defense against mosquitoes? Yes, it is.

Absolutely. Yeah, think about it. Put yourself in there. Well, they don't have shoes, but put yourself in their wings. Put yourself in their Aladdin shoes. Oh, boy, I wish. So this is terrible for you. Do you have a family?

I can't recall. No. No, you're a solo. I'm a free bird. That's the life of a ranger though, I'm sure. You're living on the land. That's right. That's true. Do you know about when doctors, they have their match day, Scott,

and they get their coats, and there's an algorithm for what med school they're gonna go to. Do you know about this in the world? It's a real thing. Yes, when they graduate from medical school. Yeah, where they're gonna do their residency, they do matching.

So we have something very similar in the park system, and my beloved Pinnacles was my first choice. And the algorithm also matched you up with it? Yeah, they said, Marjorie, you're a perfect fit. Wow. And then I asked for more, you know? I didn't keep my eyes on my own paper, and now I'm up freezing my buns off, chasing away bears.

You flew too close to the sun. Clue close. Clue close. From Fatal Attraction. You don't know that reference, Al. I'm sorry. I mean, I know that reference, Al. I'm sorry. I mean, I know something about that film.

This is terrible. So you just packed up solo, but that's okay. Let's look on the bright side. Maybe it's not terrible. I mean, look, first of all, you're in the second worst. You're not in the worst. That's right. You could be covered in mosquitoes and living in South Carolina. That's right. Terrible barbecue and mosquitoes. Scratching like I got nothing else to do and drinking vinegar based pork. But instead. How's the barbecue up in Alaska? Well I'm trying.

What do you have a big green egg or? You know I'm smoking. Yeah I got one of those big green eggs. You have to. You have to. I gotta fill the time guys, because guess what? Grand Canyon, six million visitors last year. Gates of the Arctic, ten thousand forty seven. So what's the attraction? What's the killer app of Gates of the Arctic? Here's what it is. We have... Because I gotta say, I love the title. Yeah, Gates of the Arctic. It sounds epic. Sounds like you're going to step through and there's gonna be...

Hey, let me tell you this, a bunch of owls. You could go to Belgium, or you could go to a park the size of Belgium. Whoa! That is what makes our country wonderful. Oh yeah, and get this, it has no roads. No roads? None at all. Where we're going, you don't have them. Oh, that's a... Ranger of the future. Rangery, is it...

Rangery. Is this gates of the Arctic, is it just a big bunch of snow? Well, we don't always have snow, but there's a lot of snow, there's some lakes, there's some peaks. You can go camping, but there's a rigorous application process. Application process? Yeah, well, you know. To prove that you can weather the storm. You're gonna wanna go into the wild. Yeah, you gotta, we got, I can't be taking people out of the wild every day.

It's hard to find, Scott, it's Belgium. It's the size of Belgium. And is it only you or you the only? There's about 10 of us up there. And so that means just by us, not visitors I want you that's 50 bears okay wow so then 10,000 that's so anytime anyone comes they add five bears yeah that's how it works is there some sort of arrangement with the bears where I've been we're trying I've been trying to source out who the leader is where I can

maybe get that bear to respect me, but it's very hard. It sounds like you might be able to make friends, make bear friends. I might, you know, but y'all, I've seen Grizzly Man, you know, it's, you gotta be careful. I've never seen him. Be careful, be careful.

You don't, well I've always- I've never seen any of his films. Oh. Timothy Treadwell's films? Ha! Or Werner Herzog's films. Neither. Very short IMDB entry for David Treadwell.

Ha ha ha ha. So how have you So how have you been trying to find out who's the main bear? Who's the H-B-O-I-C, I believe. Head bear in charge? Yes. Head bear in charge? Well, I've been walking out and making grids. It's the only way to really cover such a large space. And I don't know if you remember this, but I don't like to talk about it since I am a federal employee and I do believe in the separation of church and state, but I am a devout Methodist. So I just go out... That's right. No, I'm not gonna talk about it anymore because you know I'm a federal employee and I believe

in the separation of church and state. But you needed to say that in order to... Well, I do go out and say a little prayer and say, please, H-B-O-S-H-B-I-C, please come find me. It's just a simple little prayer like that that I say as I walk in a great pattern, but please don't make me speak any more about my faith because I do believe in a separation of church and state. Have you thought about just tossing a bunch of meat out there? Well, all my meat's smoking, as you know. So it's not done yet. Yeah. You got a real low temperature.

I've watched enough cartoons. when that scent hits the bears they tend to follow it. They tend to float in the air. Thank you Al, that's what I've been trying. I've been trying because I don't want to waste the meat that I've been smoking so I've been trying can I set a trap of just a smoke-based trap and you know I got some good woods in there and not just one I got applewood I got some hickory.. Oh, you know I got cherry in there. Okay. Now I'm letting the meat speak for itself, Scott. Just basic soft.

I'm not getting fancy with the red. Can I ask also, like you're talking a lot of hard woods and you're in mostly a soft wood forest up there. That's a pine conifer based economy up there. Where are you getting this wood? Right. This wood is imported from, I do have pen pals at other national parks. Oh, okay.

We keep in touch. Who's your main pen pal? My main pen pal. Who's your HPPIC? Your head pen pal in church? My HPPIC is, he's a great guy of the name of Stefan, and he's in the Badlands. Oh, now that's a park. Yeah, that's a park.

Best guy in the Badlands, Stefan. Stefan's in the Badlands? Yeah. That place has everything. It's got cactuses, it's got lizards, it's a park. Yeah, that's a park. Best guy in the Badlands, Stefan. Stefan's in the Badlands? Yeah. That place has everything. Oh. It's got cactuses, it's got lizards, it's got wolves. It's got peaks, it's got trash can people. It's got groove, it's got feeling. So have you ever met Stefan?

Oh no, never in person. Oh. No, just a couple of PPPs. Sounds like you have a lot in common with this person. Oh, really, you think? I don't know, you're both park rangers. Mostly hardwoods. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. Well, I don't know, he's at the Badlands, Scott. True. I know, that's like after Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, and Yosemite, that's pretty much, that's the big time. You're definitely talking top five. Top five. That's the show, as we like to say, you know.

Yeah. Maybe, you know, those Utah ones, they really, they're a tough pack to crack into, you know. You got your Bryce, you got your Zion, you got your coral reef, You got your arches. You got your, no, capital reef. You got your, no way. Yep, yeah Al. How come at those gift shops, the little license plates, they're all Alan or Albert?

There's no just Al. And there's no Al A either. Well, I mean, I'm not gonna ask for the sky. Well, by the way, that's just Alabama. You know, I can report that. I can send that up. I think it's because most of us... I'm not looking for full-size license plates. I understand. I understand.

You want a vanity plate that you can put on your bicycle. I can put it on my bike. But wouldn't the authorities be able to track you? Right under the banana seat. What's that? Wouldn't authorities be able to track you? Right under the banana seat. What's that? Would they be able to track you through such a personalized license plate? Well, I'd cover it up with duct tape, of course. Then why have it?

I had no idea. He knows there. He feels it. Oh, why don't you just get Albert and cover up the Burt with a little bit of duct tape? It's the spacing is all off. Or cover the AL with duct tape because that's the part you want to keep hidden and then leave the Burt out there and people Just think you're a guy named Bert. Yeah, right around a bicycle. Give people the Bert. I think it's because I like

Please leave the Bert. I like Bert with a U Yeah, that's a mountain we can't climb Well, we can try we can but try we can try you know I think it's because a lot of people feel like they need permission to call someone out. Yeah, that's true. I think so. You know, nicknames do denote a certain level of intimacy, you know. I don't feel like we feel like we could just slap it on a plate.

Is your name actually just Al or is it...? Well, my name is... Oh, you almost got me. Ha ha ha! Dang! Well, Marjorie, this is terrible. I feel... Thank you for your support, Scott. It's been rough. Are you trying to get out of there or are you? Well, right now I'm trying to do my best to get

more of a feet on the no roads. Just feet out on the land. Cause I still believe, Hey, what if I can bump gates up in the ranger? Sure. Yeah. I mean, it might just be your duty. That's how I feel.

So I'm going to give it a couple years of just trying to get couple years well you know gotta see it through it takes time takes time how old of a woman are you again if you don't mind me question ask a lady I'm just wondering no it's all right no fair enough I'm 42 42 so you have a couple years before I never would have guessed that thank you what would you have guessed 29 well you know the life of a ranger a lot of outside work keeping the I never would have guessed that. Thank you. What would you have guessed? 29. Really? Absolutely. Well, you know, the life of a ranger, a lot of outside work,

keeping the skin young. Outside, the great, beautiful air. Thought that would actually maybe make it a little more leathery and rough. Scott, you know I'm walking around with SPF 30 in a wide-rimmed hat. That's true. Betty, let me ask you.

You were expert at chasing away bees and telling people how to keep bees away from them. Respect bees, you know. Respecting them, of course. Yeah, away bees and telling people how to keep bees away from them. Respect bees, you know. Respecting them of course. Yeah, don't swat but fear. But helping people with bees. Yeah.

Fear don't swat. What are your bear approaches? Oh my gosh, you know, what's tough about bears, I don't know if you know this. Is it that they're three times our size? Have knives on their hands? And you know, with bees only many stings with an allergy kills you. Any bear can kill you, any bear will do. And so, and what's different is they're different species

by species, I don't know if you know this, you know, you do different things for black bear, brown bear, grizzly, polar. And with grizzlies, there's really nothing you can do. What? Except for one tip I did find is they're very they are faster than you do not outrun them they will hunt you down and kill you and also they are in for killing for sport whereas most bears

and other bears want to kill to eat you. Wait but that's a tip that you're giving us? So I just want you to have a healthy respect and fear now the tip is they do have excellent speed. I'll just go right to fear fear but fear healthy fear fear Healthy they can they can run they can swim they can climb what they can't do is turn on a dime So what you want to do is just zig and zag as fast as you can interesting. It's good to know. That's a good tip That's a good tip for any bear though. No Scott! Because others can turn on dimes. Okay black bears you want to act big, maintain eye contact, slowly back up. Brown bears you want to play dead. Grizzly bears you want to, now I don't want to talk about my faith but you want to say a little prayer and get ready to

meet your maker but don't make me talk about it again. But you want to zig and you want to zag. You can zig and zag but as you're doing it please just confess all your sins because you're probably still gonna die. I think I'm right in this, and I think with polar bears, you just offer them Coca-Cola and you walk away. And that is true. That's true. Yeah, you see a lot of those up there? Not enough.

Yeah. And you know. How do you deal with panda bears? Oh, what can't you do with a panda bear, Al? You just snuggle. You just snuggle, you cuddle, you give them bamboo, you watch how much they sleep, you say God bless you when they sneeze.

Oh, come on. Please don't talk about that though, because separation of church and state. Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, and I do apologize. You say Gesundheit when those adorable little bees. Wait, is that in your ad, by the way? That's one of Craig's last ads.

I do, the ad finishes with Gesund gesundheit in case you sneezed That's right well speaking of which we do need to take a break so people can get to sneezing during this break Oh my gosh, okay. We'll be right back before comedy bang bang Comedy bang bang we're back here with John Daniel Ham. Oh, boy. Sorry. Had that in the chamber. Al Amadeus Peterson and Marjorie. Oh, I don't know, you're middle. Oh, it's Sally Airy. Marjorie, Sally Airy, her, John. And it's time to... Is that spelled S-A-L-Y space A-I-R-Y?

Of course it is. Of course. That's beautiful. Beautiful name. Is it hyphenated? No, Sally was my middle name and... Well she spends a lot of time outside, so that's right. That's great. What an elegant portmanteau.

Thank you. I'm gonna bring you all my portmanteaus from now on. Sure. Portmanteau. Love judging them. Oh yes. I like it. We do need to get to our next guest.

This is exciting because, you know, bikini season is right around the corner and we all want to get into shape. So let's welcome... By the way, if you need help with that, it is bikini season. And if you need help with your bikini line, that is a service we provide. Other than the butthole. Depilatory services. That's right.

So sorry. No problem. He's a trainer. Please welcome to the show Dash Grabham. Hi Scott. Hi, so great to meet you. I'm Dash Grabham. Yes you are. You may have misunderstood what I do. You're a trainer right? I am a Pokemon trainer Scott. I train Pokemon. I catch them and subjugate them and train them for battles and we go on adventures across the land. What's his name? What is a Pokemon? Pokemon is a pocket monster, a small monster

that you can subjugate and catch in a ball. Where are you on this portmanteau, pocket monster? Oh, because Pokemon. Pokemon. Pocket monster. Pokemon, Pokemon. That one's on the line. I've seen a lot of them around your area. I'm not from around here.

Yours are weird, though. I will give you that. Have you seen them in the walls? Maybe you're just thinking they're Junius Bubbleduner. No, I saw a bunch of them outside. It would be Pidgey's where I'm from, but yours are different, and they don't have any of the attacks

that the ones that I have. You tried to catch a pigeon? Oh, sure. I caught like eight of them. They have basically no battle skills. They can run. That's a good battle. Or fly.

I'm pretty sure they can fly. That's a nice skill. Yeah, that would be pretty useful if I didn't have a bunch of bird type Pokemon, which I do. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Where do you keep all of these?

It must be difficult to store all these Pocket monsters. No see okay, so here's a pokeball and see you just click this and it gets real small. Keep them on my belt right here I only carry about six to eight of them at a time It's my battle lineup and the rest of them I put basically into the internet where they just live and sit around. Is it like Bitcoin? That's a currency that lives on the internet. It's a cryptocurrency. I don't think I can. I don't know that they have any. Is it more like Litecoin?

Is that another cryptocurrency? I don't know that any of them have. Is it more like Haracoin? I think of all of them, it's the most like Haracoin. Is it like the Charleston Chew, which is a new cryptocurrency based on Charleston Chew, the candy bar that no one likes? I beg your pardon. I should I love a Charleston. I should clarify it is It is like Bitcoin that it is very difficult to cash out because none of them as far as I know

Are directly exchangeable for a money of any kind. Okay, actually me ask you a question. Yeah, you said these Pokemon as you called them. Mm- them, they engage in battles all the time. I make them do it. Who are they battling? Other Pokemon. It's a big, big no-no to fight a person with a Pokemon. Oh, really? That's a crime. Yeah. A crime in, not in the United States. Well, a crime against nature. You don't have a lot of rules pertaining to Pokemon in this country. Yeah, there's not a lot of Pokemon law. Yeah, where I'm from is almost nothing but. Where are you from?

I'm from the Kanto region. Oh, OK. Of? Excuse me? The Kanto region of. Pardon? So you're from the Kanto region. Yeah, I'm from the Kanto region.

And you. Full stop. That's all you need. And you train Pokemon to fight other loose Pokemon or do people own and subjugate these Pokemon? Oh, thank you for asking. So the answer is both I love to use my Pokemon to fight wild Pokemon that I try to make faint You don't want to ever kill a Pokemon But once you make it faint or almost faint you can capture it and then you can take those Pokemon to poke at gyms All around the world and you can battle at those gyms against other trainers and take their badges

And then if you get enough badges you can become a Pokemon master and I dash grab them I'm gonna be Pokemon master. Where are you in the process? I have one badge How many do you need to be a master more than one? process. I have one badge. How many do you need to be a master? More than one. So two? I mean technically to be a Pokemon master you have to catch them all and this is where it gets so frustrating. This is what I've heard. This is what I've heard. You've got to catch them all. You have to. It is a compulsion and here's the problem. Originally when I became a Pokemon master I'm 11 years old. I started very very young. I was going to say yeah. How old would you have said? 29. I spent a lot of, I'm 11 years old. I started very very young. I would not have guessed it.

How old would you have said? 29. I spent a lot of time in the sun. You think everyone is just 29 though. Aren't they? I spent a lot of time in the sun and I don't wear sunscreen and my hat is always backwards. Oh no.

Cause that's the cool way to wear it. Oh boy, at least put on a sunscreen. I'm begging you. I don't need to because I have coughing and he can cast a smoke screen. Okay. Anyway, I forget what I was talking about. I don't need to because I have coughing and he can cast smoke screen. Okay! Anyway, I forget what I was talking about. Well, you were talking about finding other Pokemon and catching them all is very difficult.

Oh, yeah, because originally there were only 150, Scott. Okay. And that's like a big... Yeah, if one were to spend maybe 200 days, I can imagine one could catch them all. That's a legit amount of time. Two thirds of a year. Al, can I ask you what kind of day? You know, 42 hours?

Oh yeah, the 42 hours. The 42 hours day. A real day. A Beirut day. Yeah. 42 hour day. Just never sleep like Al over here. I don't mean to well actually all of you right now,

but 200 days is a laughable amount of time to catch 150. Okay, don't mansplain to us about, or kidsplain, I guess is what it is. Don't poke, poke-splain. Some of them are in Saffron City. I think maybe a young mansplain. Trainsplain, cause he's a trainer.

Oh, okay, trainsplain, yeah. Well, it's just that they're all over the world, it takes a long time. Oh. But there were originally 150, and that was doable. But wait, Jackie Chan went around the world in 80 days. Who? Jackie Chan, Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan Jackie Chan

Are you going to allow him to rock you? He and Steve Coogan went around the world in 80 days So it seems like it's a 200 days is you know would be if you got very lucky you could maybe do it How many but how many Pokemon are are in the Kanto region? Let's just say there are a hundred and fifty one Proper in the camp now in the Kanto region. So how many get a lot just in the Kanto region where you're from? Well, that's you all that we thought there were and that's what you thought you had to do to catch them all it turns out every year or so about a hundred and fifty more get released and they get this sounds Bananas weird every time.

I'm really only familiar with the first 150 after that. There's some weird, weird stuff out there, you guys. There's a bear, you would like that one. Oh, well, I have a healthy respect for it. You wouldn't like this bear. This bear, as I understand it, blasts fire out of its mouth. Oh gosh, well that is, I think that is the HBIC for sure. That would definitely be the HBIC.

Huge bear I caught. Um. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! You have caught and trained this bear. Oh yeah, I got it.

I have another, I have a water type Pokemon. Can I ask that bear, what is the name of that bear? Hmm? What is the name of that bear Pokemon? His name is sitting in the internet right now. Oh, the name of the species? An Ursaring. Ursaring.

Oh, that's clever. Makes sense. It's based on the Latin. He's a big bear. He's got a big literal ring on his stomach. Okay, on his stomach. How do you feel about that, Portmanteau? Gotta fly upside down, then.

Ursaring. Ursaring. One is part of his Latin name for bear, and then he has a ring around him. It's a portmanteau between Ursine and telephone ring. That's a clumsy portmanteau. Sorry, you've been judged, clumsy portmanteau. CP. Ursaring.

Anyway, I battle him, and now he lives in the internet. So how do you bat, because I thought it was against the rules to battle a human, for a Pokemon to battle a human. Or is it just frowned upon? No, it is, where I'm from, it is actually illegal to use the force of... In the Kanto region. To use the force of a Pokemon against a human.

But you're battling these Pokemon. Yes. Like, for example, I would have a Pokemon, I would probably, if I was battling you, for example... Wait, I'm not a Pokemon. No, no, no. You would be a Pokemon trainer. Oh, okay.

So I believe you would bring your Pokemon and then you would set them on each other. For example, which one do you choose? Out of my Pokemon? Sure. I'll choose Ursaring. OK, you're an idiot, because I'm going to bring a water Pokemon to that fight, but OK. Water, fire.

You bring, well, that's not your fault. You're a new trainer, I assume. Yeah, well, I have no interest in this at all, actually. Are you kidding me? It's got so much adventure! Dash, can I ask a question? Yes, please. Is this pogs? What is pogs? Ooh, you got it there.

It's a thing that I've heard and I'm never quite sure what it is. Oh, the stackable cardboard disc that you then hit over with this metal disc? Wait, why were you confused about pogs? Well, for for a second I thought you were talking about a polywag, which is a P-P-Polywag. That would be the clumsiest of portmanteaus. Quite a portmanteau. Yeah, terrible CPU. No, you're talking about stackable cardboard discs

that then you use a metal slammer. And then you... And you make bets and you can win other people's Pogs. Exactly, little slammer. Is it... you said polywag. That's what you would call it. Where I'm from, It's called a poly wag That reminds me of a story. I once heard about someone who was in the backseat of a car

On a trip with his friends and his friends a little baby son who had a polywarl doll And he loved this polywarl And so this person that I know was pretending to get the name wrong of poly world several times and the little boy was laughing. And then all of a sudden the little boy started crying out of frustration because this idiot couldn't understand that the name was poly world. And this is a friend of yours. This is someone I know. Someone you know.

Someone you've worked with. I can't claim friendship with anyone. Was it on video or? No. I don't, I guess I don't know this. This was a story that I heard from life. A story, oh, okay. I mean, I understand that.

It happened to someone I know. My favorite Pokemon that I use for most battles is called a Charmeleon, and if you called him something else, I would think that was rude, so I kind of understand. That's clearly a portmanteau between Charming and the Chameleon. He is kind of like a Chameleon.

Is his power to be Charmed. His battle skill is Charmed? Just charms you out of fighting. Or is it from Chameleon and Char, and he's a great barbecue master. He is a great barbecue master. He is a great barbecue master. He is about a four-foot tall fire lizard,

and I would say his main power is arson. Oh, well, I would just bring a water lizard to that fight. Yeah, that would be a good move. Is Chameleonair a pocket monster? Chameleonair the musical artist? Yes. I mean, he would be if I could ever catch him. He's a Pokemon?

No, see here's the thing. Well, and his power clearly would be just having a lot of money. You're not supposed to catch humans. And blending into it. The technology technically doesn't prevent you from catching anything inside of Pokemon. And subjugating them? You're just talking about slavery at this point.

This does sound very slavery adjacent. Okay, well we don't like to use that word when we talk about it. I'm sure you don't. Because these Pokemon are our companions, not our slaves. They battle with us sometimes by choice and sometimes begrudgingly, but we don't ever use the word slavery. You mean like picking someone up from the airport. Very much like that.

Like, you don't want to, but you're not being forced to. OK. Well, that puts it in perspective for me. So if I were to catch Chameleonair in a Pokeball, he's, I assume, a rap-type Pokemon. Sure. Were you going to finish that sentence? Tread very carefully. The way you said that may be very uncomfortable. We could have said a music type Pokemon, but he's specifically a rapper. Specifically hip-hop, yes. I don't think I want to catch him. I mean, honestly, that feels like that's what a criminal would do. A criminal would catch another human being instead of a pokeball. I'm not a criminal.

No, I mean, that's how it is. You're a criminal. Do you want to catch a chameleon air in a pokeball? Well, no, in fact, I'm trying not to be caught and put in a pokeball of sorts. Yeah, you're like a Pokemon. The prison system. The prison system.

In a way. You get in, you don't get out. Yeah. Could you try to catch L.A. Peterson here? Maybe you are the Tommy Lee Jones of this story. I mean, I could, but. Why are you encouraging this? Why are you reaching for your smoke bombs?

I gotta be ready. Is that a pokeball? What's in it? It's not a pokeball. What would be in it? It's just, I guess. You gotta throw it. Show me what rare Pokemon.

What is in a smoke bomb? Smoke. I'll battle your smoke. Ninja smoke. Wait, hold on a second. Is there a Pokemon with a giant fan? I mean, kind of? No.

There's a plant one that has what looks like a fan on his head. OK, well, use that one, maybe. That's the guy. You need that guy. What kind of fan? Well, it was more like a flower petal than a fan. But I figure you take flower petals

and you spin it around, that kind of functions like a fan would do. Yeah. The poor man's fan. Everyone calls flowers. The original fan. Flowers. Did you say poor man's fan?

No, no, no. It's not a clumsy poor man's fan., the poor man's fan. Did you say poor man's fan? No, no, no. It's not a clumsy poor man's fan. Oh, poor man's fan. Excuse me. By the way, poor man toe, you don't want anyone anywhere near that. Yeah, you don't want to put those in the Latin shoes. No.

No. Well, so how many Pokemon do you have? I have 12. 12. Yeah, you're not even close to catching them all. No, it's going to be a very long road. But I'll do it, because I believe in myself. Now you say you train these pocket monsters.

What does the training consist of? Great, so I take the Pokeball, throw it, and then they come out, and then I shout commands at them, and they do what I say. I see. This does sound very slavery adjacent. Yeah, it's very mean. It feels...

It's a partnership full of respect and trust. And what do you do for them? I put them back in the pokeball Well, we win battles together and then sometimes we eat a meal But mostly I keep them in the pokeball because they all eat the same thing and it's real boring to take them to a restaurant So you're only allowing them to eat every once in every rare wild You know the crazy thing Scott they don't actually need to eat if they're in the Pokeball. OK.

I've got some that have been in that ball for months. And if you take them out, they're like a little pissed, but they're physically fine. Is their favorite meal has to be a Pokeball, though, right? Yeah, that's right. Why is that boring? They love pokeballs. Who doesn't love a pokeball?

I know. I mean, you say that now. Like a Jeremy Piven. Talk to me on week three. Does he sing Jeremy Piven? Jeremy Piven, Clam Steeve. Let me ask you a question.

When the pocket monsters are in this Pokeball, are they in a sort of suspended animation? Stasis? I wish I could tell you. I've never been in one in as far as I know no human ever has been. Oh, well that sounds like that's something you should do. I mean it's so hard to catch them all especially if they keep moving the goalposts. You should be the first human in a Pokeball.

Oh, I should get into one? Just understand both sides. I think that's what we're talking about. If you were to get into your Pokeball, we would let you. I'll do it! Dash Grubham will catch himself! Okay. What do you need us to do? Oh, he did it. Oh, he just did.

That is amazing. How do we get him out? Yeah, we should have asked that before. He should have given us instructions. I don't know how to work this thing. He said throw it. Let's take a look at this. He said like throw it, I think.

Throw it? Alright, I'll throw it. Let's see. look at this. I just, he said like throw it, I think. Throw it? All right, I'll throw it. Yeah, I'll throw it at someone. Let's see. Oh, don't throw that. That's my smoke bomb. Oh, careful, careful. Don't throw the smoke bomb. Yeah.

All right, here we go. Ha ha, I'm free. Oh, wow. Whoa. Phew. What was that like? What was it like in there? Okay, you know how when you go to sleep and you.

I'm out. Oh, okay. Yeah, try to do something. Don't compare it to a movie either, because Al is going to have no frame of reference. Oh, okay. Geez. How do I do this? Okay.

Do you know how, well, for the rest of you then, you know how when you sleep it's like you're kind of aware of existence, but it's a little bit different? Sure. Sometimes you know you're in a bed. This is not like that. Oh, it's not like that. Oh, wow. So you can be back in, Al. I have no memory from what just happened.

Oh, okay, so the last thing you remember is you going into the ball. Going into the ball. And then I just, I felt a, I pushed right back out. How long do you think you were gone? I mean, it felt like an instant to me. Well, it was only longer than an instant, it was like 120 seconds or so. I feel like we didn't get a real accurate idea of what it's like to be trapped in the Pokeball.

Well, I'm gonna tell you, I do not want to go back in because I feel like I did not exist for that period of time. Well, so now this is what the Poke... Pocket Monsters must feel. Almost definitely, yeah. So does that make you want to release them? Reconsider? Not even a little bit. Oh boy. I just feel like you're really taking advantage of these pocket monsters.

Oh, for sure. You know how horses pull carts? Yeah. Are you all up in arms about how horses be pulling stuff around all the time? I mean, sometimes. You ask those horses if they want to pull carts around? I don't like the horses that do just the carriage rides.

Yeah. They're also fed very well. They're groomed, and they're treated very nicely. Let me ask you a question. They get to shit in the bag. You guys know fish? We should all be so lucky. But you know fish? Yeah, I know fish.

If you had a fish, what would your fish's day-to-day life be like? Well, that's, I mean, they swim around in their... Live in their best life. Swimmin' in the pool. My fish has been all over the world. But they don't know, because most of the time they're in a ball-questing station. She used to know that its own existence

was going on for most of that time, but it came out and got to experience parts of all over the world. I had a fish growing up, but it was an outdoor fish, so he got to just go wherever. Yeah, mine's an outdoor fish. So. You know, maybe you don't think these pocket monsters have sentience or a soul.

Oh, they definitely have both. OK, well. Then you truly are a criminal. You're a slaver. You're a slave owner. They're so happy. This sounds bad. How do you know that, though?

OK, well, you can tell when a Pokemon is unhappy because it doesn't follow any of your battle commands. Can one come out? Can we talk to one? Yeah, for sure. Which one do you know that though? Okay, well you can tell when a Pokemon is unhappy because it doesn't follow any of your battle commands. Can one come out? Can we talk to one? Can we talk to one? Yeah, for sure. You can't talk to them. They only say their own name over and over and over again. Okay, so that's gonna be hard to know if they're happy. Is it like I am Groot where it has different intonations? Yeah, yeah. It's just like that.

So you can translate? Yeah, for sure. Oh, okay. I guess we bring out Chameleon. I'll bring out my chameleon. I sure are. Sorry the chameleon. I'll bring out my chameleon. He's just gonna say chameleon a lot. Okay. Yeah bring him out. Yeah. CHAMELEON! I CHOOSE YOU! Chameleon! Hey, what's up, dude?

Chameleon! Yeah, how's it hanging? Chameleon! Yeah, that's about right. Chameleon, are you okay? Yeah, are you okay? Chameleon! Yeah, I don't think I don't think Later do you just want to infer from that well? I know what he's actually all in the room We can see what's happening. I'm alien is crying It's crying, but not for the reasons you think okay? What it translate for okay, so charmeleon this one specifically is an arson type Pokemon

He's mad because he hasn't burned down a building lately. Charmeleon. So Charmeleon's shaking his head. Yeah, he's shaking it up and down. Up and down if you're tilted sideways, sure. Well yeah, that's Charmeleon. Okay, so you know how like in India, yes and no doesn't look like the same head gesture as it does in America. I don't, I did not know that. That's true. I did not know. First of all, where is this? India? India. I know in the movie gladiator they do thumbs up when it should have been thumbs down. I don't know about that but

that's probably right. Charmeleon. Yeah. I'll start the medical track. Okay. Charmeleon. Charmeleon. What is one thing that I could do to make your life a little bit better? Charmeleon. A whole bank? Charmeleon. You can't burn down a bank. Charmeleon. I know.

That felt to me like kill me. Yeah. Charmeleon. I did feel a lot of Charmeleon. Charmeleon seems to be really. Indian style saying no. Charmeleon, return. Wow.

There it goes. Okay, I don't feel like you were giving us the proper translation. I do feel like we learned more about the real situation with these Pokemon than you wanted to let on. And I think you need some serious soul search. Yeah, where are your parents in all of this? Dash. Oh, both dead. Oh wow. Wait, you're an orphan?

That must be hard. You're a dirty orphan? I don't know that I'm dirty. I mean, I shower, I think, you know, once or twice every month. So how do you take care of all of these pocket monsters? Oh, well, I win money in battles. You win money? Oh, yeah.

Who pays? The promoters. I didn't think this could get worse, but it did. It really did. OK, so there's someone on top of this pyramid who's taking children. Yeah, like- Is it David S. Nintendo? Someone's like a 12 foot 4 and a half inch on top of this pyramid trying to touch the

tip. Exactly, and they're- I'll get to the tip. I'll be the first child to touch the tip. I'll get to the top of the internet pyramid. Oh, this sounds- And get all the Pokemon. You know, listen, Dash, I know what it's like to feel like you're

defined by your job, but you do not have to do this to these poor Pokemon. It sounds like these promoters are subjugating you, and you're subjugating these Pokemon, and it's a horrible pyramid, and there is no tip. We need to break the site. We need to break this. Yeah, the tip keeps moving up and up and up. At first it was 12 and a quarter feet, now it's further and further. I mean, I never thought about that.

It's a movable tip, and I don't think anybody agrees with that. You want a static tip. We want a static tip. Yeah. The way I kind of always thought about it was I was catching best friends to go on a journey of a lifetime

and fulfill my dream. That's a lovely, lovely way to frame this argument. But you're keeping them trapped in a ball. Yeah, for sure. And they are constantly having existential crisis. I don't know that they are, and I've known Chameleon longer than you, so I don't think it's fair for you to all assume

that you knew what he was saying when I didn't. Dash, you're 11. We collectively are 29 years old. We have a little more experience in reading. All of our names are Al. You can call us Al. I can call you. You may not call Marjorie Betty.

I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am. I think we have a little more experience in sort of reading the emotional reality of these people. And Charmeleon was devastated. Let me get another one out then and maybe you can tell me that.

You pick. Okay, I'll pick. I should tell you though, this one's a straight up ghost. Okay, I'm a little scared but. It is a ghost. It's scary. Will he or she pass through us? It's not Sliming.

I don't know if it's he or she. Yeah, is it Onionhead? Yeah, AKA Onionhead. I mean, when it goes through you, you're going to feel something that I would say, yeah, is akin to slimy. Is it definitely going to go through? Oh, it is 100% going to go through.

All right, I'm nervous. I'm nervous. Can you pick another one? Well, let me frame this for a change. No, I can't. And here's why. I think that one thing that you're not thinking of now is all of these Pokemon that are in this balls are not

Walking around in the world or floating around as this one. Anyway, this is a ghastly. Let me take it out real quick I'm unclear as to what we're supposed to keep in mind I just want you to kind of like tell me what you think is going on in this guy This is this guy's this guy's name is ghastly. And I'm gonna be honest. Not ghastly. Not Gasleek. Gasleek. Although that's a crazy thought. It might be a ghost. It might be a collection of gas floating around. You know, it could just be Victorian houses, you know. Is this the Gasleek from season four of Community? Oh, I don't watch television. I'm too busy out in the world.

Could it be the ghost of someone who died from a Gasleek? I mean, honestly, I don't know. This one I kind of have trouble communicating with, which is why I thought it might be useful for you guys to ask these questions. OK, so let's get Gasly out here. OK. Gasly, I choose you, I guess my better judgment. Hyah!

What? Gasly. Whoa, getting real close, Gasly. Oh, wow, Gasly. This dude's creepy AF, right? Gasly, wait a second. Gasly, just please stay away from all of us. Don't pass through us.

I don't want to be slimed. No, she went right through me. Oh, you've been slimed. Oh, god, I feel, does it look weird? Cause I feel like I have slime on me. You're covered in ectoplasm. Oh, dang it. And I have an appointment afterward.

I know. I feel very funky. Am I wrong? It looks like it's having a real good time doing this. Gastly. I feel like Gastly is enjoying her time out of the ball. GASLY! Oh, okay, so you think Gasly's a girl.

Gasly, please keep away from me. These are new bonobos, James. GASLY! Oh, yeah, sorry. You just called fire to you just now. Nothing like a bully likes more than telling you not to do something. GASLY! Please, get her back in the ball!

GASLY! GASLY, return! GASLY! That was too close. Too close for comfort. Now, I think you can keep Gasly. Please get her back in the ball. Gasly. Gasly returns. Gasly. That was too close. Too close for comfort. Now I think you can keep Gasly. I felt like Gasly had a great time. Yeah, Gasly's over.

Maybe just have Gasly. Gasly's okay. Cause honestly, I don't know, we don't know what happens when we die. I mean, I personally think we go with our Heavenly Father, but please don't let me talk about it because I believe this. Please, no, no, no.

I don't wanna talk about it. Church and state. Church and state, but you know, we don't know for sure what happens, and this is a ghost. This might be preferable to hell Exactly. I know what happens to Pokemon. Oh, oh do they become gasly? Literally cannot die

Take them to a Pokemon Center and then so they're fine. They're in prison for life Look what this Pokemon? Gasly's a ghost. This sounds like an internment camp. A ghost of what? That's a good question. Okay, well we don't have time to get into it, we have to get going, but we just have one final feature on the show, it's a little something called Plugs. I want to give some love to whatever you do. I want to support you. I want to support you.

I want to support you. I want to support you. Ooh, thank you. That was I Wanna Support You by Mr. Pants. I think that was mustard, actually. Alright guys, what are we plugging? John, Beirut is out this Friday. Beirut out this Friday.

With Rosamund Pike. Rosamund Pike, myself, Shea Wiggum. A cast of literally... Of at least three people. Three. It's a 42 hour movie. Please plan accordingly. I would suggest eating.

I would suggest getting a good rest. Yeah, sleep for like five days before. Sleep for at least one 42 hour day. Hyperdate like these bears. Then in. Then enjoy it. It's gonna be great. I would also remind everyone to please get their taxes won.

That's right. H&R Block, ladies and gentlemen. H&R Block, that's right. One week left. One week left, yeah. Last week, guys, guys. This is crunch time. It's a federal crime.

This is the time, I mean this is where you live. This is my, you know, over time. This is where I'm like. This is exciting, man. I'm lining up the field goal, I'm putting it through the uprights. If you don't do it, you'll be convicted of a federal crime. John has some bad news for you What's that? they got you on film eating that guy's bagel I

Categorically deny that it's right there. I saw yeah, they released the footage. I will say It was a delicious bagel, Okay, maybe it was worth it. By the way, it was half a bagel. There's another half. You're eating it like a real monster. A real bagel monster. Starving. A monster you say? Maybe John is a Pokemon. A begamon? I'm going to go catch a bagel. Al, what do you have to plug here? Obviously, if you want to fake your own death, please do visit German Craigslist. Comb every single ad until you come to the one that ends in Gazoonite. That's an emoticon followed by Gazoonite. No emojis.

And also watch out for that movie. Maybe in 10 years they'll be wanting to reboot the emoji movie and then you can just slip the script to the emoticon movie in there Why would they go backwards? Well, I don't know. Prequel. First live action. It's like the Star Wars prequels. Marjorie you saved my film. Oh boy. Marjorie, what are you plugging? Please come to the gates of the Arctic. We don't have roads. We need more than 10,000 people this year. What do you fly into, by the way, if you want to visit? Where do you fly? Anchorage? Did someone BA Barakas you? Do you not remember?

Oh, no. You fly into the airport in Juneau, and then you take a series of seaplanes. Oh, gosh. Trees and seas? Guys, let's go. Yeah, please come. Come try my brisket. And, uh And Dash. I, Dash Krav-Mahm, now accepting all challenges for battles at the closest thing I could find to a stadium here, which is the Staples Center.

Oh, wow. So I'm gonna sneak in the Staples. Should be the Staples Pentagon, don't you think? Yeah, I mean. Should be. Coming right through that only point of a Pentagon, which is clearly the front. There are five. The one point of a Pentagon right through the front of it.

Right. I'll be battling anyone there. Winner keeps all the money. OK, great. So no date on that, apparently. But let's close up the old plug bag. Whoa, what a bag. It's time to open it.

It's time to open it! It's time to open up the bag! It's time to open the bag! Open the bag! Where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, where you're coming from, You know, hope they don't catch you. Oh, I don't think they will. Boom! Oh, smoke bomb! He's gone! How does he do that? Is he in the walls? Oh, I think that smoke has some cherry and hickory. That is acrid. Just acrid.

Marjorie, so good to see you. Good luck to you and Dash. I cannot co-sign what you're up to, but. Okay. All right, we'll see you next week. Thanks, bye. Bye-bye. week. Thanks, bye!