Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Lauren Lapkus, Kristian Bruun, Paul F. Tompkins, Tim Baltz (Totally Todd)

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

This is part 5 of our Totally Todd series. The Maple Leafs haven't won the Cup since 1967. "2016 Tour, Toronto Pt. 2" is a special episode of Comedy Bang! Bang!, the 4th episode of the 2016 tour. Hosted by Scott Aukerman, it stars guests Todd (Lauren Lapkus), Kristian Bruun, Garry Marshall (Paul F. Tompkins), and Guy Le Biscuit (Tim Baltz). "2016 Tour, Toronto Pt. 2" was recorded on May 6, 2016, at the Convocation Hall.

Hey everybody, this is Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and welcome back for another episode of Bonus Bang Totally Todd. This is of course our series where we re-release episodes from the vaults that we have previously recorded, and these are focusing on my nephew Todd, played of course by Lauren Lapkus. This is episode five, and this week we are re-releasing a live episode from The Vault, specifically from our show in Toronto in May of 2016. This is from night two. We did two nights in Toronto where my nephew Todd makes an appearance, as well as Christian Brun, Paul F. Tompkins, and Tim Balz. This tour was a lot of fun. We're on a tour currently that you can come see us at. You can get tickets for that at cbbworld.com slash tour.

And we're excited to give you a little taste of what it's like to see one. And if you like what you hear and you wanna hear the entire CBB Archive, you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com where you can find every single episode we've recorded, including all of the live ones. We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, and simply enjoy this

bonus bang. Toronto! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two!

Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two!

Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Toronto night two! Hold on, hold on. The Maple Leafs haven't won the cup since 1967. Weird catchphrase. Seems antagonistic.

Thank you to Dr. Grindher? Heavens. Toronto, how you doing? Wow! Beautiful sold out crowd. And what is your story? Beautiful sold-out crowd. And what is your story? Oh, I'm talking to you. Don't ignore me.

You look like a convict in a pastel prison. in a pastel prison. You're all on notice! Any of you motherfuckers use these doors here, you're talking to me! Speaking of which, who was here night one? The man with the box is back. Dare I talk to you?

No? Yesterday you wouldn't even tell me your name. You did tell me your name? Hold on, I'm going to... You did, sir? I did. Ernie. Ernie is your name. Thank you, Ernie, for whatever it is you're doing. You're pointing at the box like that explains it.

It does not. I'm fascinated. What could they be paying you for? To push the button? Oh, are computers so uncivilized? We haven't figured out how to push buttons on them now automatically? Good shrug. Good shrug work, Ernie. Ernie, thank you so much. Two n- yes. Two nights in a row, Ernie has been away from, I'm assuming, his family?

For this bullshit. This school literally has a cobweb on it. Like this is a dusty old haunted school or something. Is this school haunted? Is there a ghost on this stool? Holy fucking shit, man! Ooh, this is spooky. Oh, this is spooky. It's so wonderful to be here in Toronto, especially for a two-night stand.

We were here a couple of years ago. It was one of the best, most fun audiences we had. Thank you so much for coming out and making us feel so special here. We have the day here, which we don't really have a lot on this tour, we're kind of like getting up in the morning, going to a new city, doing the show, leaving in the morning, so we have the day here. So Neil Campbell and I, by the way,

big hand for Neil Campbell, so great. We, you know, we're a little homesick, so we did the most American thing we could think of. We saw Captain America and just fucking fist pumped the entire time, high-fiving each other. That's where we're from! ["That's Where We're From!" laughter continues to play in background.] Um... But, uh... Are there any Tracy Reardon fans here? ["Cheers!" applause continues to play in background.]

She's not here tonight. But, interestingly enough, if you see the film, Captain America Civil War, Captain America himself says her famous catchphrase. At one point he's talking to the Scarlet Witch and he says, help me, Wanda. As her name is Wanda Maximoff, I was so tickled by it. And I just thought if there are any fans of this show here in the audience or listening

abroad, if you go see Captain America, just as an homage to her and this show, if when he says that, if you could just yell out, that's gotta hoit. It can be softly. I think it would be a great way to locate fans of this show. What else did we do? We all ate dinner down the street at, yeah, a fan of dinner? Someone whistled. Woo, I did that too.

We ate at a place, I don't even remember what it was, a steak place. Anyone know a steak place? Keg, that's what it was, yep. Haunted place. And this so rarely happens, one of the guests on the show. I won't embarrass him. He paid for dinner at the end of the night, and you know, everyone always makes the joke of,

oh, if I had known you were going to do that, I would have ordered more. And I realized, wow, I ordered the exact perfect thing. I had steak, lobster, and two margaritas. I was like, I got you fucking good. That never happens. So that was dinner. How we doing up there? That sounds terrible. Having a bad night?

Whoa. The silence is deafening. Oh, you're back. The silence is deafening. Oh, you're back. Were you just pressing a button to mute them? How we doing up here? All from this side though. Nothing from over here. Interesting. One guy let out a woo. Just like, all right, you want something out of me? Is there anyone up there I can't

even see? No, there's not. That would be the worst seat. It's bad enough you guys get to look at my little butt all night. You guys get the front. Oh, now you're back. Guys, we're gonna have a good time tonight. We have several of our friends are here, a couple of people who aren't on the tour as well are here. I think we're gonna have a good time.

You guys ready to have a great time tonight? Yeah! Let's get started with the show called Comedy Bang Bang, a podcast that is being taped right now. Now, along with traveling, I've left a lot of my responsibilities at home, but there is one responsibility I could not leave at home. I had to bring him along with me. He's my sister's boy.

Please welcome Todd. Hi. Watch this. Gotcha! You told me to watch it. Yeah, and you did. You liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. to watch it.

Yeah, and you did, and you liked it, freak. Todd, are you having fun on the tour? No. I'm sorry that I had to bring you. Yeah, you kept me in the hotel bathroom the whole time. Well I only have one king-size bed. Yeah, well, let me sleep in it. No, that's weird. Well, it's weird to have to sleep in the tub.

The tub, it's nice and concave. It's almost shaped like a human body, almost as if human bodies were meant to go in there. It's fine. Thank you, yes, it is fine. Yeah. We're traveling around not only the United States, It's fine. Thank you, yes, it is fine. We're traveling around not only the United States, but also Canada a bit. Are you seeing a lot of the world?

Yeah, I've seen a bunch of really cool stuff through the no window in the bathroom. Let me out! Do you want a window in the bathroom? Well, I want to go outside. This is the most outside I've been, and I'm inside. You're in a stuffy school room. Yeah. Oh, I hate school.

Pfft. Sucks. Well, I brought you here so maybe you could do your homework while you're here. This is a learned environment. So boring. I hate my homework. I have to write a paper about my favorite relative,

and I don't have one. What about your uncle Scott, who treats you to trips around the world? Oh yeah, you want me to write about you in my paper? You'll get arrested. Everyone knows you're a big pervert freak. Please don't give people the wrong idea. I'm not...

You spank me for fun! Well, at least I don't do it as a punishment. Ugh. It's not fun for me. I hate it. How'd you sleep last night? I heard you screaming for eight hours straight. Hell.

I had a bit of the night terrors. Yeah? How did you sleep last night? I heard you screaming for eight hours straight. Hell. I had a bit of the night terrors. Yeah? They only come at night. Well? It would be strange if I had them during the day. Sometimes you scream during the day. Sure. That's when I'm napping.

What are you thinking of in your dreams? What's so scary in there? What are you thinking of in your dreams? What's so scary in there? I'm just, you know, I'm thinking of when my sister would come back and take you away from me. And you'd be so sad? I'd be so sad. Yeah, right. You want to get rid of me so bad. Alright, I'm thinking about murdering people. That's cool.

You like that? I can relate. You and I have more in common than I think you might think. Oh yeah, right. You're so old and I'm so young. I'm new-bile. How old? I'm new-bile. Todd, can I just tell you that's not a word

that young gentlemen like to use about themselves? I'm new-bile. Got my little hairless body. that young gentlemen like to use about themselves. MARISHA and SAM and MARISHA laugh I'm nubile, got my little hairless body, it's so nubile. Look at my little dick. You don't have a little dick. Ha ha, I made you say it. LAUGHTER Todd, explain, for those of you who don't know Todd,

explain what happened to your penis. Okay, well, my dick was regular size. What does that mean when you say regular size? Middle school size. And then I went and made a wish on a machine genie. That's my favorite David Bowie song. And then I wished to be big, and I got got big overnight and I grew up and I was like a big guy and then it all went away and I got back to small but my dick stayed big.

Why do you think that happened? We've never discussed why. I mean we just kind of took it as fact of like oh yeah that's what happened. Why do you think it happened? Why do you think I got small again? I know why you got small again, you. Or do we? I don't.

I don't. Did you wish to get small again? Well, I kind of started missing home a little bit, but my home was my mom, not you. And when my new fuck buddy dropped me off, I. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you had a new fuck buddy? Yeah, I met a lady. She was really hot.

She was like 38. And we boinked. So you're not a virgin anymore. You could say. But is it factually correct? I'm not sure. Wait, you don't know if you had sex or not? Well, I don't know if it counts. Why? What did you...

I put it in. It counts. Okay. But I didn't say where. Oh, okay. That's true. It could be the refrigerator for all I know. I put it in her attic.

Wait a minute. I've heard of the basement. A woman's like a house. She's got the front door, she's got the back door, she's got the attic. You could just say you got a blowjob. Whoa, I did? Yeah.

Oh shit. That sounds cooler than I put it in her attic. It does? I got a blowjob, it hurt. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. She was all teeth.

Ha ha. Ha ha. Was this a famous person by any chance? Yeah, it was Elizabeth Perkins. Ha ha. From the movie Big? Coincidentally. Ha ha.

Ha ha. Is that her thing or something? I guess she's got a fetish. People who used to be small boys who are now... Temporarily big. Does she own the Genie Machine? Oh! She tricked me.

Hmm. I feel used. Really? I feel used. Really? I like it. Okay, no, no. That's not what sex is supposed to make you feel like. Hey. Hey, yes.

You know how I said I was hairless? Is that weird, considering my dick is old? Well, is the area around your dick old? It's wrinkly. Still can't tell. Who knows? Maybe it's wrinkly. Ha ha ha. Still can't tell. Eh, who knows. Maybe it's better. I don't have to shave. Wait, you're gonna start shaving?

Yeah. Ha ha ha. I can't shave my face yet. Are the rest of the kids in school, are they shaved? Or... Yeah, they're all pretty shaved. Ha ha ha. You pervert. You freak.

You're leading me into asking these questions. You said, are the other boys shaved? No. You freak, you're nasty. I feel uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but yeah, I looked. Is there any place that you want to see when we're out here on a touring around? Yeah, there's a lot of cool stuff I want to see.

Do I get to go to every city? Yeah, no, you're here with me the duration of time. I don't want to pay for a babysitter. Oh, great. I want to want to pay for a babysitter. Oh, great. I want to go to the Cheers Bar in Boston. Yeah, I don't want to have my first beer and get drunk. Wait, you never drank a beer when you were big? No, I couldn't.

My ID was small. You have a tiny ID? My hand got bigger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

Yep. Sure does. So you, so okay, so you've never had a beer before. Yeah, what's it like to get drunk? Well, it's pretty fun. I mean, until you do it for 30, 40 years straight. Yeah. Then it's a little depressing.

Oh. Well, I'm excited. I think I'll be able to finally be my then it's a little depressing. Oh. Well, I'm excited. I think I'll be able to finally be my true self when I drink alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, you know they say it's truth serum. Yeah, what do you think you're kind of hiding right now? That I'm gay.

Let me give you a tip. You're not hiding it. When you just say it like that. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's right. We've talked about this before. I keep forgetting. Yeah, I came out once anyway, but I kind of went back in.

Yeah. I would imagine a lot of the other people at school are not as accepting of it. Oh, they just don't like me for who I am. Not because I'm gay. There's a bunch of cool gay kids at my school, but I'm annoying. When you let them know you're gay, do they say, oh, that makes you a little more tolerable? They're like, we're not going to make fun of you for that

because we're not like that. We're not intolerant like that. We just hate you because you're a dumb ass. And then they punch me. They punch you? They punch me in my dong. It's a big target. Yeah, but it's so hard it knocks them out.

Are they making fun of you because you have a rock hard dick? Yeah, and it's 12 inches. You know, you're saying that you grew into be a man, and that's why it's 12 inches? Most men are not 12 inches. What are you trying to say? I don't know. I'm wondering how you got a 12 inch.

I guess I'm just lucky. Oh, and I did a lot of stretches when I was big. I put weights on the end of my dick and walked around. It works just like when you stretch out your earlobes. Never goes back. Real rubbery. Babes love it. But I hate babes.

It's almost like you forgot that for a second. Yeah. I'm so used to being in the closet, you know? Yeah, I do know. It must be hard. You know what that's like? Oh, come on. Come on. Hey, I heard your playlist in the car. We were driving around and every song on my iPod was basically like, I'm gay. Well, it didn't help the very first song. That was the first thing that was said. It was from the musical Fun Home. And then it was the dad being like, I'm gay. And then you had like a thought bubble that was

like, me too. And I was like, me too. But I'm afraid to tell you. You've told me so many times. I just forget because I don't care. Oh, is that because you're so tolerant or because you don't care about anything I say? I'm just not interested in anything you tell me. God, that's so mean. I'm not mean. I'm just a very stern, you know, spoil the rod, spare the child. That's how I feel. Spoil the rod? That is my point of view. You have to spoil that rod.

Spare the child. Spoil the rod! This is so dirty right off the bat. I apologize to anyone. Don't you know who you're talking to? You asked me to come out first. You love that dirty stuff. I need to keep an eye on you, young man.

I was being bad back there. What'd you do? Uh, I did something to Neil What did you do? I kissed him You kissed Neil? On the cheek. On the cheek. Okay, how did he take? He was sleeping Why why is he sleeping immediately after he gets off stage? He was so tired from performing. He was just tuckered out? Yeah. It was so cute. You really should not kiss people without consent.

Oh, really? Yeah. I think that anyone in the world only should kiss if they look at each other and say, I consent to kissing you. And then the other person says it and then they kiss. That's very romantic, don't you think? Like at the end of a date, you have to go through all the paperwork?

Check off some boxes? That seems safe, you can't get in trouble that way. Yeah, a lot of boys at your school, I would imagine, kind of flirt the, or skirt the line, or flirt the line. What's the phrase I'm looking for? Toe the line? Walk the line? Fuck the line?

I don't know where your sentence is going. But I would imagine that's a tough thing to learn sort of the rules of conduct. Yeah, it's hard to know what someone wants, you know, when you are trying to get with them. Because, like, not everyone's really outward about their feelings, especially when, because I've been in the closet for a while because I'm gay. Yeah, I know. But it's hard for me to know how to say how I feel to someone because I'm not used to

it. Do you want to maybe role play a little bit and see? You want to pretend to be someone that I have a gay crush on? Yeah. Okay, Uncle Scott. This is not weird. We do it at home all the time. You always make me. I have to do this twice before I going to be someone so cool. What's up, babe? Hey, Eric.

Todd. Oh, you know my name. What's up, Broseph? Guess what? Cool high five you got there. Thanks. Guess what? Chicken butt. Yeah, you got there. Thanks. Guess what? Chicken butt.

Yeah, you're right. No, something else. I'm too embarrassed to tell you this. Oh yeah? Promise you won't laugh? Uncle Scott! I told you not to break! You never break character!

Sorry! I'm asking, hey, you promised not to laugh, this is really embarrassing. Yeah, I promise. Well, my dick's 12 inches long, and what's embarrassing is that when it's hard, it's 12 feet long. And I can climb it like a rope. I'm so embarrassed. Hey, Todd. What? You'd make an excellent burglar. Whoa, cool. You could swing it up those tall buildings.

Do you think I could steal your heart? You know, put my dick inside you, grab your heart with it, pull it back out. Okay, okay. I'm out of character now. Sorry. I got so comfortable with Eric. Is there a boy named Eric that you know? Yeah. He's really cute. What's his last name? Um, Roberts.

Eric Roberts? Yeah. We went two different ways on that. Eric Roberts. Is he related to, you know... Julia? Sure. Or Eric. No, it's Eric Roberts. Wait at your school. He went back to middle school. He never graduated There's some sort of Billy Madison situation. Yeah, and he likes the teacher

He likes the teacher. Yeah teacher younger than him. Yeah, she's the hot lady from Billy Madison what yeah From Ed. Yeah, and modern family. She's a modern family. What? Yeah. From Ed? Yeah. And Modern Family? She's on Modern Family? I think so. I never got to see that. Yeah, you're not allowed to watch TV. I can't watch anything that's currently on.

Nor repeats. I know. You can watch future shows if you can find them. Uh-huh. What a riddle. How am I supposed to do that? Well, figure it out young man. Go to the studios, get the tapes, watch them. Could be, could be.

Guess I figured it out. Show a little initiative. Well, I'm sorry that you're in love with an unrequited love out there. Everyone's got to go through that at some point. You're so wise. Thanks. You've never said that to me. Well, you know, I think maybe you're growing up. Maybe you are ready for high school.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I think I want to stay in middle school forever, if you know what I mean. I think so. Yeah. All right, now we have some more guests that we have to get to. Oh, good company. I don't allow people over normally. You never let me see.

You always have to lock me in your room when you have company and you have dinner parties. Yeah. By the way, I lock you sometimes in the bedroom and when you're sleeping on my bed... Huh? Even though you're supposed to sleep in the dog's bed, I've come in and caught you. The dog's too big, there's no room! The dog's too big? The dog takes up the whole bed!

You're bigger than the dog! Push the dog over! I don't want to be rude! You don't want to be rude to a dog? Yeah. I have morals unlike some people. You have dog morals? Yeah.

Because you treat people like shit. I love dogs, though. I respect them. Yeah. As fellow predators. They have human eyes. So do humans. Yeah.

It's more meaningful when they're in the dog. I guess you're right. But when you're on my bed, what kind of mattress do you sleep on? A Lisa! Oh, by the way, now that it's come up, thanks to Lisa, our sponsor for this tour. It came up so organically. Yeah. It's what I sleep on. It came up so organically. Yeah.

It's what I sleep on. It just popped right in my mind there. All right, we need to get to our next guest. Is that all right? That's all right with me. It is, okay. Do you want to introduce him or do you want me to introduce him?

I'm scared. Okay, I'll do it. Don't worry, don't worry, Todd. It's okay, Todd. I'm scared of public speaking. I'm so, you've been talking for the past half, and you're jerking off with a microphone. I'm wagging it.

There's a difference. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no guest, your family. Aw. Our first guest is on a TV show that films right here in Toronto. He is on a show called Orphan Black. Please welcome Christian Bruhn. You talk on the floor, Mike. Hello. Oh, it's a hot floor, Mike. Hello. Oh, it's a hot floor, Mike. It's very hot.

Hello there. Hi. Todd. Hi, nice to meet you. What do you do? Yeah, I love fist bumps. Okay. Cool.

Yeah. You love fist bumps? Yeah. You look like you've never fist bumped in your life before. I love them, though. All right. Well, we can do more later. Oh, we can? Yeah. You look like you've never fist bumped in your life before. I love him though. Alright, well, we can do more later. Oh, we can?

Yeah. He's nice. You're a very well behaved boy. Whoa, tell him. He's a very well behaved boy. And what evidence are you basing that upon? The last minute. The last 60 seconds?

Yes. Where you walked out here, picked up a microphone. That's the only evidence. That's it, yeah. Okay, let me tell you, he is a very bad boy. No, I'm not. He's got great posture. Thank you.

So he can't be that bad. I have a back brace. Oh, it's a back brace. Did you say bat brace? Yeah. Like when Bane broke Batman's back? What? Nevermind. It's a movie reference. Yeah, like when Bane broke Batman's back What It's a movie reference I wish I could see a movie

You don't let him watch movies. That's terrible. Yeah. No. Well, I mean, you know, they're a bad influence on him Mm-hmm. Yeah, have you ever seen a movie? I can't remember Billy Madison and big That's it yeah Christian speaking of movies they have actors in them and you're an actor. Yeah, that's a true story. Great. So now, our next guest. No, it's great to see you. Last we saw each other, you came down to LA. You were in a show with some other friends of ours, Chasmin and Sonny. Yes, that's right, yeah. And Scarsdale, their producer. And you tape the show Orphan Black here in Toronto where you play the role of Sammy? Donnie.

Donnie. Whoa. You watch it, obviously. Oh yeah, big fan. Yeah. And you're an orphan. No. I mean- Are you? Well, you would know from the show that my mother's been on the show twice.

Yes, your mother. Yes. Played by Veronica Lake. mother. Yes. Played by Veronica Lake. Yes! Yes. It was wonderful of her to come up and film our show. To come up from the grave. Yeah.

Yeah. No, obviously I'm a big, big fan of Donnie and the Gang. That's the show's nickname, right? Yeah, it's like Orphan Black, Cole, and Donnie and the Gang. Whoever wins, we lose. Trying to slip that into every show. Are you in between... Are you having a stroke?

Yeah, are you in between... Are you having a stroke? Yeah, are you okay? Put a spoon in his mouth. Put a what in my mouth? Put a spoon in your mouth. A spoon? Yeah. I don't have a spoon.

Stop your stroke. Does that really work? Mm-hmm. A wooden spoon, maybe. Yeah. Slap him with a wooden spoon. On the forehead, like where? Yeah, on the forehead and the butt.

Oh, okay. He'll come back to life. It and the butt. Oh, okay. He'll come back to life, it works every time. Oh, you've done this before? Yeah, he just, he totally glazes over and doesn't know where he is. This is probably a bad time to do that. Yeah, no, on stage, yeah.

I'm sorry, they never tell you how bright the lights are. Yeah, it kind of burns. I was just watching Joy on one of the planes over here and they do that typical scene of they never tell you how bright the lights are. I think a lot of people saw that movie here, right? Big Joy fans? Yeah. Can I tell you something, Christian? Please, please do.

Stop pandering to these people. They're the enemy, right? They're the enemy, yes. You must conquer them. Good, yeah. What does a guy like you do for fun? I mean, we know what you do for work. Obviously, we're big fans.

What? We know all about the spaceships and the, you know. Yeah, it's sci-fi, but there's no spaceships. How do you know? I mean, you're not wrong. Maybe in the next season if we get one, we'll have spaceships. That would be interesting, wouldn't it, if just a spaceship landed in the middle of episode one. It's a bit of a departure, but yeah.

And just everyone was like, well, let's worry about this now. Yeah, I'll pitch that to the writers. Let's put all this clone bullshit aside, like we're being invaded by aliens. So you have watched it! Clones! Did I say? Oh, okay, I must have seen one episode then, yeah. What do you do for fun?

Well I like to go on canoe trips. Whoa, cool. With your friends? Yeah, with my friends. Oh, must be nice. Just a bunch of dudes in canoes. Sounds like a good time. Yeah, it's nice to get back to nature.

Yeah, sometimes when you're in the canoe, do you all just sit like this, like one person right in front of the other, with your legs around each other? No, we rent like, there's usually six of us and we rent three canoes. It's two to a canoe, one in the front, one in the back. You should get less canoes it's two to a canoe one in the front one of the back you should get less canoes you think there should be six to a canoe yeah six to one we also have a lot of like camping gear and you know we got to bring that with us and bags and stuff yeah and food like how many go in a bag we have our own bags we do two in a tent three tents do

you ever like do home movies while you're out? Like filming the trips, you can relive it. What? I mean yeah, we've got cameras. We'll take the odd picture or video. Take an odd picture? It's not that odd. It's us swimming or canoeing. Yeah, naked right? Well yeah, that's part of getting back to nature. You gotta strip off a bit and feel the sun on everything. Can I go camping, Uncle Scott?

No, Todd. Ugh! So unfair. Especially not with Christian here. No, I'm fine with that. No offense, I just, I don't think it would be appropriate. Well, I mean, you don't know Todd. You've been out here for five months.

He's very polite. Stranger danger. For me or for you? Who's to say? Okay. He does have shifty eyes. Yeah, always darting back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Like he's Michael Corleone about to shoot the police captain. Exactly like that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't feel good I'm a barf oh Christian so you're you're in between seasons right now yes but the but the season the fourth season just started airing yeah last night was the fourth episode really Really? Yeah. Fun fact. Very fun.

It's a really fun fact. Woo! What do we have in store for the people out there in episodes five through ten? I'm trying. Yeah, it's okay. You don't have to. That's fine. Nobody watches it up here.

What does Donnie up to? What does Donnie... He jerked off on camera last night. Really? In the episode? Did I watch this show? He literally jerked off. He literally...

Oh, meaning there's a figurative way to do that. Yeah, like this. Yeah, that's it right there. That's cool. What was it like? Was it nerve-racking for you as an actor? It was a bit awkward because I had to... Can I talk about private things with him? Is that like...

Oh, yeah, it's totally cool. It's kind of like, it's blue. It's a little blue? It's a little blue, but it's business talk. I'm really clean, so I don't know if I can handle it. Right, OK. All right, I think you can. Go ahead.

OK. I'll allow it this once. Yeah. When you're on a set full of people and you've got to do nudity, they make you wear, it's, well. What is it? They call it a, it's called a cock sock. Boying, boing, boing, boing, boing. Oh.

Oy. Can I ask, they, they make you wear it. Yeah. Yeah. What? You don't want to. I mean, I, I, hm. Uh.

But it's. Under penalty of... Union rules, maybe? Union rules, expulsion. All I'm saying is you have to put everything into a pouch. You have to. Yes. And then cinch it tight. Right.

So the pouch doesn't come off. Uh-huh. Are you okay? Yeah, my eyes just fell out. Oh. Okay. It should be your ears. Eh.

And so, yeah, and then you don't show, it's like a flesh-colored bag, and you put everything in it, and then you can do the nudity. You can walk around people. By the way, your penis is now 12 feet long. Yeah. He just described a vagina, so it's shrinking back.

It's a 12, it's a... Flesh-colored bag. In the bag you put everything in. It's a 12, it's a... A flesh-colored bag. A bag you put everything in. It's a bit drier. A bit drier, ugh. Even worse. So anyhow, how do you act it out then? Like, I mean, if you're wearing a bag, like, what do you do?

You mime it. Yeah, I mean, my back was turned to the camera, and so I just... The French art of pantomime. Yes, yeah. So you go totally silent, you paint your face white. No, no, I'm not in white face. If you're doing mime... Well fair enough, I mean I just mime the motion. Oh.

Yeah. And you're like, I'm in a box and I'm jerking off. Yeah, I mean... I like how you frowned and got sad when you were jerking off. Is that what normally happens for you? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah, it's true. You've seen? Not on purpose.

I walked in once. He was crying. At least it was only one. Oh god. Screaming too. That was a day terror? Yeah. Yeah. He walked in once. He was crying. At least it was only one, oh god. Screaming too.

That was a day terror? Yeah. Yeah. That was his fantasy, I guess. To what end though, why were you doing this? I can't give away all the plot. Were you trying to make another clone, or what was happening?

The character of Donnie was doing some investigative work. Okay, enough said. Cool. Well, fantastic. We'll have to check out your little program. Where you jerk off. Good plug. That's all it's about. Where you jerk off. Good plug.

That's all it's about. Will you let Todd watch it at least? No, no, no. That's just rude. That's terrible. So mean. Christian, I can only watch shows that are in the future. So if you can send me any episodes that haven't come out yet, I can watch them. Yeah, I've got screeners. Yes! Damn it! Yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. When you say you've got screeners, is this just the outtakes of you jerking off? From my perspective, it's on Snapchat. I'll take it, I'll take it. Okay, great, yeah. All right, well you got me in a loophole, so that's all right. Yeah. We need to get to our next guest, but hopefully you guys won't just get up and walk out. Yeah, I'll stick around.

You'll stick around, okay. Todd, you have to stick around. Is this a chore for you, Todd? Yeah, I was gonna go do tool, go do tool. What? Bye. Oh my god, he just laid down and went to sleep. Wake up.

Wake up. Whoa. I was gonna say I was gonna do cool Toronto stuff. Now you live here in Toronto. I do. What is there cool to do for a man like Todd? A man, thanks. Do you like baseball?

Yeah, sure. I love the stuff. Yeah. I mean, I'm not fully convinced, but you could go see a Jays game, a Blue Jays. That would be neat. Yeah. Wow. You could even drink a beer there, probably.

Huh? Yeah. I'm really excited about drinking beer for the first time while I'm on this tour. Did you say you can eat or drink beer? Pretty sure I said drink. Did I say eat? I don't know. I'd like to eat a beer and watch it fall out of my mouth.

Okay, yeah. We can probably find that in Toronto. We've got everything here, right folks? Cool. Oh right, they're the enemy. I'm sorry, I forgot you're in. Are you one of Toronto's best native sons? I would think so.

I don't know. I was born and raised here in the city and not like North York or or Scarborough Yeah, totally. Mississauga Yeah, I'm from North Toronto That's very good Thanks Todd I'm down with you. Cool. That's not how you do that.

That's how we do it in Toronto. Oh, is it? Is that how it is? Yeah. Let me try. You do the maple leaf on the fist. Yeah. Hell, hey.

Does that mean what I think it does? Yeah. All right. We need to get to our next guest. He is a director. That's interesting. Maybe he can hook me up with a job. Yeah, and he has a new movie in theaters right now. It's called Mother's Day.

Please welcome Gary Marshall. Oh, wow. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a nice... Gary. Thank you, what a nice... Hey, what's going on everybody?

Good to see ya. Scott, thanks for having me on your program. What a pleasure it is to be up here in Toronto, the New York and Los Angeles of Canada. ["The New York and Los Angeles of Canada"] ["The New York and Los Angeles of Canada"] What are the other cities, then? What's Vancouver?

Oh, boy. ["The New York and Los Angeles of Canada"] The Burbank of Canada. What what are the other cities then what's Vancouver? Oh boy? The Burbank of Canada That's accurate What thanks for checking my math I Did the math That's right. This stool is shorter than yours. How did you? That's right. This stool is shorter than yours. How did you connive me into sitting lower than you? It's status, listen son, I've been doing this,

I've been doing this a long time, I've been around many, many years. Let me have this one moment where I sit in a stool slightly higher than yours, it's not gonna kill ya. I'm sorry, you're right Mr. Marshall. Please call me Gary. All right, I will. Gary, it's so great to see you, especially on such an auspicious week.

I mean it's not opening weekend certainly, but it's second weekend, which is great for any BO. Box office. Yeah, you're using the terms. I don't know if everyone knows these showbiz terms. You know, of course you know. I know them, yeah. But not everybody knows.

We shorten box office to BO. Box office is the money that is, it goes over the transom of the box office window. Once it crosses that line, it's ours. We shortened it to B.O. from box office, from the money that comes into the box office, from we have a movie in the theater, people have paid money to see it,

they surrendered that money at the box office, and were granted permission to enter the theater to view the film, this is capitalism. That was too long. People deemed it too long. It's good to shorten things. It's good to shorten things. If they're too long.

But some things, some things are just right. Some things are just right. The perfect length like Mother's Day in theaters now. Yeah. What is that, a nice 93 minutes? It's a crisp 93 minutes. Just five reels and out. That's right, you see some attractive people. Hector Elizondo makes an appearance.

Before you know it, you're back home, it's like the movie never happened. That's the kind of movies I like to make. A movie where ladies see a commercial for it, you're like, did I see that? You wanna make a movie that when someone is just about to die and their life flashes before their eyes, it never comes up.

That's gruesome. Here's what I'd like to do. My goal is eventually is to make a movie that it gets into the theaters, and I see a commercial for my own movie, and I say, ooh, that's a good idea, I wish I thought of that. Uncle Scott, can I take my mom

to go see Mother's Day on Mother's Day? If your mom would actually come by and look after you, that would be great. That's my fondest wish. You should let this nice young man see this movie with his mother. What a sweet thing. He seems like a very sweet boy. He stands up and he bows like Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven, Jeremy Piven to you. It's beautiful. That's right. Send to public domain now. That's what directors sing

when Jeremy Piven is cast in their films. Yeah, it's a chore. Why do you think he's never been in one of my movies? I haven't got time to sing all day. Well, fantastic. I mean, congratulations on Mother's Day. By all accounts, it is- Thank you. People don't like it.

Everybody's having a great time writing their snarky reviews of Gary Marshall's Mother's Day like, oh this is a fun new thing we can do, let's talk about it, this is the worst movie. Look, these are the movies I make, I'm not trying to hide it from anyone, all of a sudden this one comes out, oh this is the worst movie we've ever seen, it's just like all the other movies I make. You think you're being cute.

It's not cute. You know, back when movies like Pretty Woman came out, the internet wasn't around, and, you know, no one knew. No one would agree that a movie was terrible. Yeah. We would just watch it and go, oh, that's terrible. It wasn't the national pastime to say this is terrible. Let's all make a gif about it.

Okay. Help, help. Calm down, calm down. He's screaming. I'll protect you. He's screaming, oh thanks. I'll protect you. I'm a loud guy.

I'm sorry son. So look, I'm not gonna stop making movies. I don't care if people are doing Peach and Periscope about how bad my movies are. I don't think anyone's doing Peach. Peach, no one uses Peach. Peach was around for a day. I just heard about it, I'm sorry.

I feel bad for Peach. Yeah, Peach sucks. One day and it was gone. Peach was a horrible app. What about Meerkat? Is that still going strong? One day and it was gone. Peach was a horrible app. What about Meerkat? Is that still going strong? I think Bono used to film the encores with Meerkat and then it was done. Gary, why don't you make a Snapchat video?

What did you call me? Gary! Please call me Mr. Marshall! You're a young child. Sorry. This is outrageous. Mr. Marshall, I have an idea for your next film. What is it, son?

Make it about Snapchat. So what, it's Snapchat day? He doesn't know. It's on your holiday! Here's what I do. Sit down, son. You're being very, very confrontational. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You're scaring me. I don't know why you're scared. Gary, should I punish you? Oh, please call me Mr.ational. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're scaring me. I don't know why you're scared. Gary, should I punish you? Oh, please call me Mr. Marshall. I'm in a state, I'm in an agitated state. I'm sorry. Everyone must call me, everyone must call me Mr. Marshall. All right, all right.

In the next 10 minutes. Calm down. Your Gary privileges are revoked. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Son, put the stool down. I'm not a lion What are you crazy dentist Geez now listen

Sorry, I gave you a great idea. I When there's a snapchat day, I'll make that movie is what I do. I make movies about holidays All right What about President's Day? It's on the list, look. I shot, I've already shot a bunch of them. Haven't even come out yet. I did them back to back Lord of the Rings style. Really?

President's Day, Labor Day. Yeah, I bought the title back from that depressing movie. I did St. Patrick's Day. I did, uh... What about Halloween? I did Halloween. Oh. It's an unofficial sequel to the Halloween series.

Oh, really? It's more... I got more murders than any movie that I've ever made. One? I rat... Yeah. One murder. Self-defense.

So, listen, I came up here because I'm gonna start One murder Self-defense So listen I came up here because I'm gonna start on Canadian holidays This is great first I'm gonna do this is great Canadian st. Patrick's Day that occurs in August in August yeah Really, that's right. St. Patrick's Day is so March not up here. I don't know if that's accurate Well listen, I'm gonna do one called Civic Public Holiday Wow That's a very

Popular day up here. We love it lot of fans. We love it. What is that? It's the first Monday in August. It's not a statutory holiday. And as such, only federal employees are required to give the day off. Now here's what's great. We set the stage for a Romeo and Juliet style love affair. Hmm.

Where there's a beautiful gal, she works in the post office. Guy works in the bakery, he's in love with her. She's got the day off, he doesn't. He goes in to mail some cakes? Yeah, that's right, he mails some cakes. But the post office is closed. She goes to the bakery because it's the day off. Finally she can go visit the bakery. He's not there, he's at the post office is closed. She goes to the bakery because it's a day off. Finally she can go visit the bakery.

He's not there, he's at the post office. Hector Elizondo shows up as the postmaster general. Why is he there if it's a day off? He's taking a busman's holidays, walking around delivering mail personally. It's like a gift to the community. He's sort of like Santa Claus on civic whatever it is day. Yeah.

Give me something, Gary. Oh, sorry, Mr. Marshall. You please call me Gary. Thank you, Gary. I was a momentary. Sorry, you're all right now? I'm fine, I'm fine. Can I call you Gary?

It's a good question. Sorry, you're all right now? I'm fine, I'm fine. Can I call you Gary? That's a good question. Let me ask you some questions. Okay. Are you respectful to your mother? Yeah. Is that true? I mean, she's not around, so maybe he would be. It's a form of respect.

To be absent from someone's life, you're not troubling them. I guess I never thought of it that way. More fathers should be respectful of their sons. Many of them are. Do you get good grades in school? No. All right, we're at one and one. This is the tiebreaker, worth 200 points.

This was for points the whole time? Okay, hit me. Hit me, Gary. Mr. Marshall? That's right. What do you wish to be when you grow up? Big. Directed by my sister? Guess what? You got Gary privileges. Yeah! Oh no!

Oh no! Stop flopping your dick around. It hit my leg. I'm doing the hula hoop. I'm doing the hula hoop dance. It's very disturbing that you have it out. I can't have it in. Oh, is that what that is?

Yeah, that's his penis. I thought it was a fun prop for your filthy show that you do. Oh, thank that what that is? Yeah, that's his penis. I thought it was a fun prop. For your filthy show that you do. Oh, thank you, Gary. Is that a compliment? Yeah. But listen, I'm not just up here to direct movies.

Really? As you know, I like to hunt monsters. Oh, that's right. You're a monster hunter. Never said I wasn't. Nor have I. So we agree on this. Yes, we do.

I heard about some monsters you guys got up here. In America, you know, all the trails have gone cold. Sure. You haven't found Bigfoot? Haven't found Bigfoot or Sasquatch? We have that. We have them. I know. I know. Yeah. I'm crossing them off the list.

Have you been over to Scotland? Have you tried to find Nessie? I have tried unsuccessfully to capture and exhibit the Loch Ness Monster. I do have hope I could do it in the future. But, not today. Not the present. I cannot do it in the past because that has already happened.

The present, I'm here with you. Here's what I'm looking at. Lot of lake monsters. We have a lot of lakes here. Well that probably explains all the monsters. Yeah. Where else are they going to live? Hi.

Let me talk to this guy, because he's a local. All right. I'll just be behind you. I'm assuming. And I'll just be behind Christian. All right, I'm glad we're all oriented in time and space. Todd, don't get behind Christian. Switch places.

Is that for my protection? I think you're a chaser. That's for your protection. Okay, thank you. I wanted to be chased. You did want to be chased. You got a little gleam in your eye. You're like, he's going to chase me down.

Everyone who's running from someone wants to be chased. What about escape criminals? They love it. It's fun. That's an interesting take, son. Thank you. Here we go. Have you seen in recent weeks this Canadian monster,

Cadborosaurus. Catborosaurus. Cadborosaurus, like Cadbury cream egg, but then Borosaurus instead of bird. Cadbury Borosaurus. I don't think that's a monster. That sounds like a dinosaur. Sounds delicious.

It's a sea serpent. Reported to live along the Pacific coast of the North American continent. Sound familiar? Ah. Maybe you're scaring the monsters away if you're talking around these lakes. What, they're like fish?

You gotta be so quiet? Oh, pardon me, your majesty. Wait, wait, wait. A monster scared by the human voice, some majesty. Oh, wait, wait, wait. The monster scared by the human voice, some monster. Wait, wait, wait. When you're out there chasing Bigfoot and all that, can you take us through some of your process? You're really into this role play.

I'm just wondering how loud do you get? How loud do I get? Yeah, are you, Christian may be on to something here. You're shouting at the monsters. You're shouting at the monsters. I'm shouting at the monsters. You're making all this noise, they're gonna run away. Yeah, pretend we're at a lake and Uncle Scott and me are the monster.

You're both the collective monster? Yeah. It's very rare to find two monsters in the same place. He's the front and I'm the butt. Get in the lake. Why you, oh I see how it's a big one. Are we in the lake now? For scale.. Get in the lake. Why you, oh I see how it's a big one. Are we in the lake now? For scale.

We're in the lake. We're in a little boat, okay? Okay. Is it a canoe? It's Canada, it's a canoe. Okay, it's a canoe. This guy. I'm just saying don't.

Okay, sorry, Meisner. All right, so we're in, we got all the high tech equipment. Beep boop, that thing goes. This one just like a circle on a screen, widens and widens. What are you doing? I'm just, no, I'm making it realistic. I'm in the stern, you're in the bow, so we should be facing this way. Hold on a second. No, you're facing me. You think you're making it realistic?

Yeah. Yep. All right. When are you gonna catch us? These guys are, these guys are still, they've been monsters this whole time. They're committed, they're committed. Well, Todd's less committed. Why can't we face each other in a canoe?

Just get into it, do something. I am into it, this is my tail. It just looks like you're fanning a fart, Todd. I am to... I'm killing two birds. Scott's doing a great job. He's got the double hands thing. Yeah, I see.

I see that. Grade three method. Let me just take a moment to say, fuck you, howl.fm listeners. I hope you enjoy paying for all these visual jokes. Okay so you've turned around in the canoe. Yes I turned around in the canoe. Is that impossible? Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! the goose bumps? Yeah, because he jumped on you, you couldn't see him. Of course he did. Yeah, but I'm just saying like on the day. I saw it coming, I wasn't scared at all. Yeah, but on the day I'll be scared. You'll remember this? You'll use this experience? This should be the movie, Gary. This is the movie. That was legitimately terrifying. Yeah. I did not expect to feel Scott Ackerman's crotch against my butt tonight. I can't believe that's true. Let me ask you. I don't know who you're slamming in that. Everybody! Listen, Scott Sun. Yeah. What do you think? Mr. Marshall.

Please call me Gary. What do you think the movie is? You said this is the movie. What's the movie? You guys in a boat together. You're fantastic actors. Great chemistry. Mr. Marshall. Undeniable. Please call me Gary. Me and Todd. Todd and I. We're in mocap suits.

Motion capture suits. What was that shortened from? Mocap is short for motion capture, which is short for do some motion, we will capture it with the cameras. Short for oh, hello, are you here to do the motion that we're going to capture for the movie? Please hang up your coat, we're gonna put a bunch of plastic stickers on you.

Do you have any plastic allergies that you're aware of? No. Also, we're serving some chicken that I think was made in the same place where some peanuts were. Is that gonna be an issue at lunch? And they shortened it to mocap. Sure. Sure. Film history deserves applause.

So why should I hire you two to beat the lake monster? Well, I mean, we've known each other a long time, so we've worked together. We have a lot of chemistry. You don't seem to care for each other at all. I hate him. But this would allow me to be with him all day, but far away from him the whole time. Because monsters are never together.

Because I'm the butt and I'm far away. Oh, you guys were one monster. Yeah. You didn't get that? I just thought they were two monsters. No, he was- That's why I was doing this. He was the head and she was the tail.

She? I was full. Wow, Gary the head and she was the tail. She? Ugh. Wow, Gary, you're doing it too. You guys are terrible to this poor child. It's a way to emasculate. This man in training. This is why I keep my dick out. I can't help it. He's very... Which was doing a better job as a tail than your hand

because it was behind you the whole time. I can't help it. He's a very nubile kid. I'm nubile. So yeah, I think it would be a terrible idea to cast you. All right. I just wanted to put it out there. Reject it again. I'm gonna get the British guy. He does them all.

Cumberbatch. Yeah. He mocaps a lot. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that about him. He's a big mocapper. That's his true passion. He mocapped his whole performance in the Sherlock show. Yeah. He doesn't look anything like that. No. He's like a short, like, two feet tall. That's very small. He's like one of those, what do you call them? Who are you asking? Todd. I...

He doesn't seem to know. No way, Uncle Scott. He doesn't seem to know. Well, good luck to you in your travels. Oh, thanks. Good luck to you. Well, good luck to you in your travels. Oh, thanks. Good luck to you. Did you have other monsters you wanted to talk about? Ogopogo.

What's that? Fan favorite. Like the boogie man? You know, he's another lake monster. Also Champ. Two people know Champ. Two people know Champ. Champ? It sounds like they like him.

I know, it's not the most intimidating name for a lake monster. A family pet. Yeah, he's like a golden doodle. Hey Champ. Hey Champ. Maybe that's how I'll get him. I'll just stand by the edge of the water and go, Hey Champ, hey Champ. I'll jiggle my keys.

Thinks it's time to go to the Monster Park. Treats? Oh, you're acting like a dog, that's fun. That tastes like a dog treat. By the way, Monster Park, that's a movie too. Is there a Monster Park day? I found my niche, don't you understand? I think in Quebec there's a Monster Park day. Oh, I hope so. Is that true? Do we have any Quebecois here in the audience? One lady down.

One. Yeah. Salut. Happy Bastille Day. There's a movie right there. There's a movie right there. Of course it is. That's a movie.

Of course it is. Well, you know what? No. Speaking of French things, we have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie.

We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. We have a French movie. Of course it is. Well, you know what? No. No. Speaking of French things... We have a French thing coming out, our next guest. A French thing coming out, our next guest. We need to... And you know what? He's a director as well.

What? A director like me? Yeah, of cinema. Can I get cast in one of his films too? This is a great night, I'm glad I came out. Son, son, your coming off is very needy. I'm between seasons, I have time on my hands. I understand, I've been an actor myself, I get the impulse, but you gotta reign it in a little bit, because it turns people off. You wouldn't consider yourself an actor? I just did. I mean, you're a guy who cameos and things.

I've been in a lot of stuff. Let's not get into IMDB comparisons, because I think you're going to go home sad. I think you're probably right. Alright, let's get to our next guest. Fine! He is a film director, and he's French. Those are the two things I know about him. Please welcome Guy Les Bisqueek! He's a film director and he's French. Those are the two things I know about him. Please welcome Guy Les Bisqueeq.

Bisqueeq? Hello. Bonjour. Bonjour, bonjour. Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour Canada. Bonjour. Bonsoir, bonsoir. Bonsoir Toronto.

Bonsoir. Bonsoir. bonsoir Toronto. Bonsoir. Bonsoir. Bonsoir. Bon oui. It's a long show. Bonnui is only when you go to sleep. That's what I'm saying. Oh, you're telling everyone to go to sleep? I'm saying that they're already.

I must say it is an honor and a privilege to meet all of you, but certainly you, Mr. Gary Marshall. Listen, Guy, the pleasure is mine. I'm a big fan of your work. I think you're terrific. Thank you very much. Your favorite top three movies of you? All of them. They're all equally great.

They're great, Princess Diary, Pretty Woman, Bitches. Guy? Bitch? Bitches where? Oh, Beaches. Bitches where one of the women die. Bitches. That's right.

She die. She die. Went beneath my wings. She beautiful. Friend care for her. Watch her die. He's happy. Beaches.

Beaches. Okay. Now, Guy, you're a director. It's true. I'm a director. I came here...actually, I came here after my recent success at the Cannes Film Festival. You were at the Cannes Film Festival? Congratulations. Wow. You had a film premiere there? That's true. I had the film premiere and walked away with the sexy award. The sexy award? It won sexiest movie at Cannes award. The sexy award? It won sexiest movie at Cannes award.

And that's a real award? That's a real award. After blue is the warmest color, people thought, hmmm, let's have a category that's all just this. Just people, two people on a date awkwardly watching a movie, both of them thinking, I'd like to go home and masturbate to this. I think movies like that are generally more trying to get the people to have sex with each other afterwards.

Oh, not my movies. What's the title of your recent film that you were in Cannes with? Well, in French it's Un Moment sexy which translates to a sexy moment. And most of my movies are about a powerful sexy moment like this. And then it freeze on that and it go into one of our heads and you talk about how sexy it is. And then I talk about how sexy it is. In freeze frames? Yes, in freeze frame. And then I talk about how sexy it is. And in Freeze Frames? Yes, in Freeze Frames. And we use the song Freeze Frame.

By the Jake House band. Yes. All right, so it's sort of like, dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee. Bum-bow. Ba-da-ba-ba-da-da-da. And then my character says, my goodness, this is very sexy. I know we're on a date right now, but I want to leave and masturbate.

And then it goes to you. Wow, this is a sexy moment. I think I'm gonna go watch this guy masturbate. This is actually working for me. I'm already hot, I gotta admit. That's the best movie I ever saw. Better than Big? Yeah, for sure.

Or Billy Madison? Yeah. I like how the child on the panel has his penis out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they keep calling him a girl. So he's, you know, hanging it out. Yeah, he's got a show that everyone knows. Little mental trick.

Sort of like a mnemonic device to get us to remember that. Did you say mnemonic device? Yeah. I did. The mnemonic device is, he has a dick so that's a boy. H-H-A-D. That's handy. That's handy.

S-H-A-B. Ha ha, shot. So, it doesn't seem like in your film that you shot a lot of footage. No, no, we don't shoot a lot of footage. We do a lot of things that are repeating, right? I reuse footage, and I bring actors in, I do a lot of voiceover work, right? And I usually, I have a screen up in the voiceover booth,

I show them pornography, I get them all riled up. And then I just let them stream off conscious, watch another screen that has the movie on it, replay, replay, replay, porno, porno, porno, replay, porno, replay, porno, and then they say something like, God, this is sexy. And we go from there, we go from there.

It's organic, organique. So who starred in these films? Just a couple of people that really needed money. That's how I find them. The most raw, honest work is people who are desperate for something, you know? So then they're completely free and vulnerable, right? If you're desperate, you know? Like this young man who has his penis out of his pants.

Oh no, I'm not desperate I was thinking like Christian he wants work so bad he's on hiatus yeah well I mean I like yeah I mean I'd do a film I guess yeah sure you do a film I guess no yeah I would do about this I set your apartment on fire you have nothing no possession no place stay. Now I want you to do my film. Yeah, I can do it without the fire. No, too bad. I want to set it on fire. Is this a French way of working or?

It's my way of working. Okay, yeah, no judgment. It's called Le Biscuit Method. Le Biscuit, what does Le Biscuit mean? Le Biscuit means the cookie. The cookie, the little. so your name is man the cookie The cookie man the cookie man man look yes man cookie the cookie man If you were a cookie monster, I'd be slightly more interested

What about that, Gary? You know their address. Sesame Street. Well, it's a big street. That's true. I use a song as a mnemonic device to find my way there. You know, you might be shocked by this, but my brother's name is Monstre Le Biscuit. It's what's that? Monstre Le Biscuit.

That stands for- Monster the cookie? Monster the cookie. Why would your parents name him that? My parents were crazy sex perverts. Really? They taught me everything I know about filmmaking. They put a camera in your hands at a young age?

Yes, that's true. I went around trying to find the sexiest moments. Hmm. And then I started putting out films that were all called Sexy Moment 1, Sexy Moment 2, Sexy Moment 3. And people responded to them, mostly by masturbating. But you know, any response in this day and age is good. Bad publicity is good publicity, right? Bad horniness is good horniness. You know? And people watching things is powerful, right? Then you can send a message in there some way.

So if I use sexuality and yes, sex and yes, borderline pornography, which is what I'm accused of all the time, to slide in another message like, uh, public libraries are good. For masturbating or...? Sure! Whatever you take from it. If I set my movie in a public library, and I have two people making love in it, and you think, you know what, I should go to my public library more often, I have one!

That's right, that's right, yeah. Just to be clear, are you saying puppet library? That's what I've been hearing. Yes, you go to a library with your puppet and you make it read books. And you test out different voices with the puppet to read aloud the book. Do you have to do it really quietly? In the puppet library you can be as loud as you want. What other voices they can't hear? They can't hear you. Right yeah. What other voices do you try out?

Could we hear some of your other puppet voices? Sure just give me a book and I will read from it. Okay well here we go we go. Here's a book right here. Oh, great. Clifford rides the bus. How is he gonna get on? One of the things that's famous about Clifford... He's not on the small side. Hey, he didn't say rides in the bus. Oh, that's true. Spoiler alert. Okay, so Clifford rides the bus.

I pull out a puppet. There we go. I put it on my hand, I open, and I start to read. Is it rude to open the book with the puppet's face? That's a great question. Do they, that's like slavery. Yes.

I like to take status from the puppet immediately. Show him who's boss. Yes, by sticking something in its mouth like the corner of a book. Which happens in a sexy moment five. That early in the series. Oh yes. A woman stick a book, a corner of a book in a man's mouth, zoom in on his eyebrows, repeat eyebrows going up and down to bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam.

So is this supposed to make us go to a puppet library, put a puppet on and masturbate with it? Well, if you masturbate with a puppet hand, that's very disrespectful. Yeah, but the status. Oh, the puppet wishes the book was happening at that point. Yes we're nodding at each other. Yes, yes. We understand each other. We understand what Mr. Gary Marshall said.

Yes, and we show that by nodding. Everyone is picturing an erect penis in the mouth of a puppet. That's right. Yes. We show that by nodding. And everyone is picturing in a wrecked penis in the mouth of a puppet. That's right. Everyone. Thank you, Gary. Hey, it's the least I could do. So let's hear these voices. Okay, you gave me a one page book, mister. Sorry. That's also how it ends. One sentence. Wow. Crappy book.

Doesn't say who was saying it. Was it, were you saying that Clifford was getting on the bus or was the voice ordering Clifford to get on the bus? It was Clifford's master, I guess? Was there any pictures? There was a big picture of Clifford in the bus. He got in it! He was in the bus. He got in it! He was in the bus. Now we know.

Because the name of the book and the only sentence in the book was, Clifford rides the bus. So it was an action book. I feel like this book buried the lead about this gigantic bus. The only movie that I ever made that wasn't entitled A Sexy Moment was called Bury the Lead. And the lead actor died during the film, so we buried him and then a couple had sex on top of his grave. De de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de. That's a very odd masturbation film, I must say.

You'd be surprised. You'd be surprised. Yep, fair enough. Not if you say it twice. That's right. I should be saying, you'd be surprised. You won't be surprised. Or you could go like, you'd be surprised, you won't be surprised. Or you could go like, you'd be surprised, boing-oing. It should be like, ah, you were surprised. That's very good. That's very good. I'm going to put that in my next movie. When someone is taken by surprise by a sexy moment.

Like there's a tap on their shoulder and they turn around and it's a large breast. Ooh. Laughter Like Clifford sized? Laughter Because that would be surprising. And is it just one breast? Well, let's say that it's a female

Clifford's large teeth. Laughter A female Clifford? large teat. So it's a... A female Clifford? A big red furry dick? So it's red and furry, yeah. With a long nipple? It's a large beach's breast. Let me ask you this.

Questions from the great Gary Marshall? This is incredible. Is this breast connected to anything? Is it free standing? Believe it or not, it's connected to the largest penis you've ever seen. Yeah. Did I get the part? Do you live someplace I can burn down?

Yeah, for sure. Wow, this is incredible. I can only imagine what it would be like if the two of you were to collaborate. You know, I mean, maybe you could find a holiday, you could find a sexy moment. If we co-directed a film like the Coen brothers or the Wachowski starship. Are they still using that? Because if it's up for grabs. You want it?

You're a little upset you didn't think of it before then. How about this, why don't we call ourselves Schlumiel and Schmarzel? Oh, oh, even better, Haas and Feffer incorporated. That's fine, now I just need to find the sexiest holiday possible, right? Ooh, the sexiest, I already did Valentine's Day. So that's that. I don't think that's, that's not sexy, that's romantic.

What about an anniversary? That's very good. Anniversary day? Yeah. The day everyone got married. Is this, is this about the Moonies? Uh, yeah. Too old a reference. No, I got it. I got it!

That's weird for such a young man, that you would get that reference. I didn't get it. You're very sneaky. I got it. You're very sneaky. What about 4th of July? 4th of July is sexy, there's just like explosions. Yeah, fireworks, like what you see when you kiss someone you like.

Oh, that's so romantic, Todd. Thank you. Wait, I'm just a Canadian. Isn't July 4th Independence Day and isn't there already a movie for that day? Ooh, that's a good catch! Thank you, my neighbor to the north. You're welcome. But here's the thing, we've got our national holiday. Canadian Independence Day, yeah.

Well, it's just Canada Day. Whatever. We didn't really need to fight for independence, we just kind of peaceably did it. Because no one wanted to live here. I get it. Yeah, our winters are harsh, but the rest, you know, it's nice. We got all four seasons, goddammit. Now, Canada Day commemorates the day when everyone realized, ah, this is it.

We're just, we're here. I'm tired. Let's put this shit down. That's a pretty good holiday. Sounds good to me. It's July 1st. It's like a few days before July 4th. So it could work.

Sure, sure. So there's no confusion. Yeah, we didn't want to do it on the same day. Do you set off fireworks? Yeah, we do fireworks. Don't be so defensive, bro. We have a lot of fireworks, and we got everything you got, okay? Okay, alright, and nothing more.

Nope. And sometimes less less because the trucks don't want to come here also true yeah we got a lot of music you guys don't get you're missing one don't say the bare naked ladies well we have I mean you guys have heard a knback, right? Sounds familiar. And Avril Lavigne? Yeah. Yeah.

Aw, man. Drake? Drake, sure. Drake, sure. Right here from this very six. He knows it, he knows it. You did your research. But so what about Canada Day?

That would be a great, uh, it's a sexy, sexy holiday. It sounds very sexy. Very sexy, very sexy. What are some typical Canada Day celebrations? Drink a lot of beer in the sun. No, no, no, just one specific thing. One specific thing. I'm not saying what do you guys do.

I'm saying on Canada Day, what's unique to Canada Day? Let me make it simple. Let me make it simple. Are there opportunities for a large group of seemingly unrelated people to intersect at various points over the course of the day, and at the end, everything works out fine. And tell me there's something for Hector in there. There's a lot of hijinks, I can tell you that.

Ooh, hijinks. Yeah, all day, the whole country. Key, what do you think? Can you work with hijinks? I'm seeing a plot right now with some hijinks from some characters and then people watching fireworks and then every couple is kind of passive aggressively making love to each other like a true Canadian couple right you know passive aggressively being like

I'm putting it there and being like I like that but it could be better you know like not like I'm not asking you to flip me over, hint hint, you know? Is that passive aggressive? We have baseball, but you have passive aggression, right? Yes, yeah, precisely. I love French baseball! No, not we, I mean like America. Oh, I see, I see, alright, okay. What does Hector do in the film, though?

Hector? Hector. Hector. Elizondo? Ah, yes, Hector do in the film though? Hector? Hector. Hector. Elizondo? Yes, Hector. Okay, sorry. Well, I mean, I think he makes love to somebody. And then he gets trapped in a daydream of his own.

Really? Where he's, wait for it, making love to someone else. And then we go into that person's daydream and they're making love to someone else. A dream within a dream? Yes. He was fantasizing about being with someone who's fantasizing about being with someone else? Is this Inception? It can be, right? But we would have to change the name to Conception. It can be, right? But we would have to change the name to Conception. Ah! Right. Conception Day, Canada Day, it's the same thing.

Do people try to make babies on Canada Day? Yes, very much so. Do they really? Why is that? On Parliament Hill. Is that so they can be born in February? Yep. March 3. Right on Valentine's Day?

Yes, it's a Canadian gift to have a baby on Valentine's Day. It's very romantic. Really? Interesting. Wow. So what do you say, guys? I mean, your talents, your talents, and Todd's big dick over here? I'm right beside you. Yeah, put Christian in the Christian. There's got to be something for Christian. talents and you know Todd's big dick over here. I'm right beside you. Yeah put Christian in the Christian. There's gotta be something for Christian. There's gotta be something for Christian. What would Christian do? How desperate are you?

Well as Gary pointed out very desperate right now. Yeah. I see a very sweet scene on Parliament Hill. You're walking up. You've got a steam whistle in your hand. You're walking up, you've got a steam whistle in your hand. It's got a what? Steam whistle. A steam whistle? Canadian beer, Toronto beer. Oh I see, not an actual steam whistle. I thought that seemed strange.

Just in his hand, walking with a steam whistle? You can understand my confusion. You know what, I like that. Let's change it to a steam whistle. Alright. That has a little chain on it and when you pull it, steam whistle beer comes out. Into your mouth and you get a little drunk. And you finally reach the top of Parliament Hill.

And you trip and you fall right on Todd's erection. Tight. And then your blood runs cold. your angel is the centerfold. Can I say this? Instead of the Jay Giles thing to celebrate Canada, I think the song should be something by the tragically hip. Yes! Canadian band, right there.

What's that? Canadian band, Gary. Yeah, that's why I said it. Good job. No, yep. Well. Can you hum one of their songs? Yeah. Ask and answer. Great.

There we go. Okay. I assume you're not lying to me. I am not. Okay. Very good. Well, now that you know that, I feel comfortable moving ahead with this movie. Wait, so I get penetrated by Todd's dick?

I don't think it's that vulgar. Okay, so I trip. It's a 12-foot penis when it's erect? Yeah, yeah. So I trip up? That's right. You trip, you climb up the penis. foot penis when it's erect? Yeah, yeah. So I trip up? That's right. You trip, you climb up the penis.

And right when you get to the top, you look directly into the camera, your eyes get wide, and beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. All right, that's our show. Thank you very much. Paul Hopkins! Paul Hopkins! Christian Rhodes! Tim Fox! Command with the Fox! I just got off command, thank you so much!

Comedy Bye Bye! Comedy Bye Bye! Comedy Bye Bye! Comedy Bye Bye! Bye Bye! Come and see my dance!