Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Bonus Bang: Rhys Darby, Paul F. Tompkins, Matt Apodaca (More-imony Tony)

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

This is episode 2 of our "More-imony Tony" series, originally #654 airing May 10th, 2020 called "LasSie is Benji." Actor and comedian Rhys Darby (Flight of the Conchords, What We Do in the Shadows) joins Scott for a SFX showcase and to wonder if aliens exist. Alimony Tony shares his signature song parody process, and local grocer Albert Roe returns to protect his neck. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/cbb 

Hey everyone, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman, host, and welcome to this very special second episode of our bonus bang series, Morimony Tony. Now you know what bonus bangs are. They're the episodes that we've previously recorded in previous years that we're taking out from behind the paywall over at CBB World.

And this particular series, Morimony Tony, it focuses on our favorite episodes with the unlucky in love, or perhaps lucky in love, depending on who you talk to, parody singer, Alimony Tony. And this week's episode is number 654, originally titled Lassie is Benji, and this was released May 10th, 2020. It features Reece Darby, Paul F. Tompkins

as of course Alamone Tony, and Matt Appadocka as grocer Albert Rowe. Now in this episode, Alamone Tony deep dives his parody writing process. It's basically song exploder for a parody of a parody singer. Now, if you like what you hear and you wanna hear the entire CBB Archive,

you can become a subscriber, of course, at CBBWorld.com, where you can find every single episode we've recorded over the past 15 and a half years, as well as every single live episode, including all of our 2024 tour. We're gonna be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

Until then, enjoy this bonus bang! If you have red hair, were put up for adoption and sing for no reason, you just might be an Annie. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah yes, thank you to Gino's GOOCH for that wonderful catchphrase submission. Thank you Gino's GOOCH. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. And this is a rare, rare Comedy Bang Bang after dark. We so seldom record them at nighttime, but nighttime is the right time of course.

And as Arsenio Hall once said, it's a night thing, mainly due to the fact that his show was on late at night. Well, welcome to the show. This is a night edition for us. We are certainly morning in America, but it is not morning in America for us. However, for one of our guests, it is the afternoon because we have such a drastic time difference and that'll be very exciting. We'll go through exactly what the time difference is.

This is gonna take up the majority of the interview, I would imagine, just figuring it out and laying down. Well, if LA time is this, what is New Zealand time? That'll take a good 25 minutes, I would imagine. My name is Scott Aukerman, I'm the host of the show, and we have a very exciting show coming up a little later. We have a grocer, someone who owns a grocery store. We also have, I think this guy is independently wealthy.

I can't remember if he has a job, but we'll be talking to him. And by the way, I'm not talking about you, Reese, although you may be independently wealthy. I have no idea. I haven't looked up celebrity net worth at this point of exactly how much you have in the bank. But if you wouldn't mind disclosing that information during the interview, we certainly can do that. I mentioned his first name.

He is our first guest. He is coming to us from New Zealand. He is a wonderful comedian, a wonderful actor. You know him from such shows as Flight of the Concords, a great movie I just saw for the first time the other day, Hunt for the Wilder people. You know him from so much stuff. He has a new podcast which may be out already, may be coming out soon. We don't know. That's going to take up another good 35 minute chunk of the interview. It's called aliens like us and maybe that means that aliens don't despise us. Maybe they just like us, I don't know, or maybe

aliens are similar to us. That'll take up another chunk. Please welcome to the show Reese Darby. Welcome back to the show. Hello, Reese. Thank you. Thank you for having me. And yes, that title, it's the old Derby double meaning. What? The old DDM? Yeah. You're kidding me. Oh yeah. How did we get one of those so soon?

Well, I saved one for you guys. What exactly is the double meaning? Describe the two meanings because I'm not sure what the word double means. Okay, well for Americans, let me Describe how this works. Okay, so there's one meaning that the phrase can mean I'm on board Okay, so just that's pretty ordinary average. Yep. I'm saying something it has a meaning and When you double it now, this is a this is particularly in the in the Derby double you And when you double it, now this is particularly in the Derby double, you get more than one meaning out of the phrase. Now this is so good for the economy as well, as you can imagine.

Well, you're working smarter, not harder. Am I right? Absolutely. So I try to put double meaning into a lot of things, giving the population more chance of understanding it, putting it in their own basket. You can, you can, it's the yin and the yang of speech. What are some of the other projects you've been involved with that have double meanings? I'm really fascinated with this. Well, one of the, one of my

early shows, Walkin' and Talkin'. Yeah, which it was a fairly obvious double meaning, you know. What was the double meaning, you know, you're walking. What was the double meaning? You're definitely, I can picture it right now. You are walking while you're actually talking. Is that one of the meanings? That's right. But the other meaning, which was, it's quite complex, but I'm talking specifically about

walking and talking. You're talking about the show that you're doing? Yes, so the show itself, I would be talking about talking and the subject of walking. Now there was only two episodes. Is it possible to walk about walking? Yeah, I think so. I mean, well, at least I thought so,

but the show got canned on episode three when I did just do the walk about the walk. So in the middle of episode three, they just canceled it. I didn't know a podcast could get canceled like that. It was one of the only mid-episode cancels that New Zealand's ever had. Because I, look, I've canceled my share a podcast in my day as a podcast in Presario but you usually wait until the episode is aired you bring someone in you lower the boom actually there's this guy in the office who usually I make do

it this guy Matt and he's the guy he's he's kind of our who is the guy in in in Moneyball who basically oh yeah my second my second favorite Mr. Bean movie Billy Bean he he would call people in and he would just say you've been let go of the team he wouldn't give any sort of like you know preamble or anything like that he just got bad news out of the way. A cold let go. Yeah. Which is different than a cold let go, which was John let go in his early movies. Wait, did he die?

Oh no, no. Well, as a press time, you never know what's going on. Look, we just heard about Roy from Siegfried and Roy. I mean, it's a terrible time here in America. It's a horrendous time. So now what is the show about? Are you an alien in it? Are you the titular us? Well, yeah. I mean, here's your double meanings coming through. And I'm thinking now it's possibly a triple meaning because I myself am an alien with regards to living in America, an alien

with exceptional abilities as per the visa requirements, which then gave me, you know, the green card. And that is, by the way, something that you need to prove somehow that they don't just give green cards to anyone you have to have exceptional abilities. You do. Are you tested during that process? Yeah well they I think there's some really heavy googling that they do. Okay. Because yeah I had to put a lot of fake stuff up online about you know projects I've done. Obviously I put out Walkin' and Talkin' one of my other shows which was cancelled as well, Fishing for Answers, which was another double meaning show. It was a fishing show.

And yeah, so but I... But there's no Devil Went Down to Georgia style like face-to-face comedy off that you have with another entertainer where you prove that you're more exceptional than they are. Oh no, you've got to do that. Yeah, I had to go to San Francisco and do a sound effects off against Michael Winslow, which of course was- No! Oh yeah, that was tricky.

What, so what put you over the top? And first of all, what did win? Is it like a spelling bee where you get the same sound effect and then you say, use it in a sentence? I wish, I wish in fact. I would pitch that for the next meeting. But no, we just sort of jumped on stage together and we did sound effects. He would do some great stuff with his, you know, the loud halo.

He would do a lot of good megaphone work. I brought in my doors opening. I'm famous for creaky door. You know, that kind of thing. That is the longest, creakiest door I think I've ever heard. That is a master class in a creaky door. Thank you. The longest I've done is three minutes 20 and uh wow. Unfortunately yeah that show was cancelled too mid mid creek uh which was disappointing. Wasn't that show called Dawson's Creek as well? That's another that's another show no this one was called yeah that one I'm still working on that one That's actually the name of my creek here on the property

The previous owner the John Dawson sold me this land for very cheap And then unfortunately died in the creek. So there's something we have. Oh, no He sold it to you and then died before he could vacate the property Yeah in the creek and he's still there now So it's... So what sound effect was it that put you over the top with Winslow? Because Winslow has the motorcycle.

He has... I'm trying to think of some other famous Winslow's from those police academy movies. I have, of course, the Doppler effect train, which I've done many times on the show that... Ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning. Oh yeah. Yeah, well he did he yeah he did trains he also did and the various motor vehicles but I I blew the audience away

with my helicopter and I think that was the that was the clincher Rick could we hear a little bit of the helicopter right now yep here we go so this was the clincher. Rick, could we hear a little bit of the helicopter right now? Yep, here we go. So this was the Hughes 300 coming in. Okay, imagine it. Here we go. So that was my, that was the green card there, right there. That was right there.

That was right there. I remember the guy at the back standing up, just applauding and he actually yelled out green card. I couldn't believe it. So that was my end. Well, that's amazing. I mean, we're so glad that you are, of course, able to work as an entertainer here. You've been in so many great things over here.

And this podcast, you're, so is it about, and I have no information on this podcast, so I'm going blind. So I'm just gonna ask you the dumbest, treat me like I'm the dumbest idiot you've ever met. And explain this podcast to me and kind of try to sneer in your voice if you could, like you're tired

of dealing with this dumb idiot you know just treat me like that if you could okay i'll try my best you fool look it's basically about aliens okay aliens are like us because aliens are us because aliens are us, we like aliens because they are us, it is us we're liking. Now, going back in time, which by the way aliens can do, specifically if they are us, one of the theories about UFO craft is that they are time travelling humans from the future, and there is a lot of evidence to support that. The other theory that we bring up, ancient aliens, you would have seen that, or at least heard of that TV show, ancient astronaut theory, the idea that in the past...

I'm sorry, treat me like the dumbest idiot in the world. I've never heard of that TV show. Okay, okay, well come... Okay, sit down for a start. Sit, stay... I'm sorry, sir, I'm sorry. I've been standing down. Okay, stop touching me. Now just sit down. Have a glass of water. And put your headphones on and turn your microphone around the right way. That's it. Put your shirt back on. Good. Good boy. Okay. Have you heard of aliens? Uh, I don't know. All right, we're out of time.

Okay, bye. If you could be a guy who's out there in the world, hopping from dimension to dimension, would you? Oh yeah, you kidding me? That's my dream. I was not kidding you, but now I feel insecure. Like I should have been kidding you, like I should have been joking. You've made me feel small, Rhys. So this is a podcast that stars you. Is it just you?

Is it just you talking the whole time or do you talk to other people? It is me and a series of mirrors and microphones and audio equipment. Michael Winslow's there and of course, you know, the US government green card officer. He's there in the back, really, the entire time checking up on you? Well, he pops in from time to time and just checks on the level of my hilarity. And if it slips, he sort of pats me on the shoulder and just whispers, Remember that green card deal we had? So currently, what level of hilarity are you at? Like, what percentage are you at?

I try to keep it a solid seven. Seven percent, really? No, seven out of 10. Oh, oh, okay. So 70%. I guess so, if you put it into percentages. But yeah, I have a couple of co-hosts. Buttons, you would have heard of him,

and Ethan Edenberg. So those, and I've got an American, and Buttons is an alien like me from New Zealand. So that's us three, Ethan producers. And then we have regular guests. Some are irregular, but most are fully regular. Well, I gotta say, I'm jealous of you because I've been doing the show for 11 years now.

It just seems like my guests, like every once in a rare while, I get a great talent like you, Rhys, who is, it just delivers and is truly exceptional the way that it says on your green card. But then I get these irregular guests, these, if I could be frank, just these weirdos coming in here all the time. I don't know how to keep them out. I mean, do you have like some sort of vetting process or? What is that? That's my phone. Oh, your phone's ringing? Oh, you do you want to take that or? Hello?

Hey there. Just checking up on you with the green card situation. You're dropping to a six. Now I just want you to get through this podcast. I know it's not easy. It's not fun, but it's just part of the requirements. If you could just push it up to a seven, possibly an eight, and then we'll let you through to the next round. All right, it's green card John out. Wow.

Sorry guys. Yeah, so that's okay. Who was that? We didn't hear any of that on my end. Oh, green card John. It's my green card. John was checking up on you. He is thorough. He's, he's great, but he never lets up like every day when I wake up, there's often a message on my phone. He's just, I've got to stay at a solid seven, as he he says and it looks like we're slipping a bit here. So if we can get a bit more hilarity out Scott, that'd be much obliged. Scott Benner I'll definitely try to.

I don't know that I can supply any on my end. But do you have to be funny while you're sleeping? Does that tie into the average? Like do you have to be at a 10 when you're not sleeping because when you're sleeping you're at a one or? Scott Benner He wants to be funny when I'm in the lucid dream part of my sleep. So yeah, every few hours as I'm waking,

I need to sort of be funny in that sense. So I try my hardest. I have a notebook next to my bed with funny ideas and that I look at and try to make those ideas come true in my lucid dreams. That's when I hope to sort of actually enter other dimensions. Oh okay. So most people when they're dreaming they wake up, dream of something funny and write it down in the notebook. You keep funny things in the notebook

by your bed to look at when you wake up. That's right. Interesting. That's an interesting process. Well you know we learned so much about the man behind The work that we've come to know and love here. Aliens Like Us is a podcast. It's out there. Where can people get it? I guess anywhere podcasts are or is it a patreon or what? How do people listen to this? This is a Spotify exclusive podcast So yeah, it's mainly on Spotify It sounds like it's exclusive to it. Just from context clues that I picked up on. They, yeah, there's some subtle clues coming through here.

And this is all stuff I've been told to say. But yeah, it's all out there now. We've got 10 apps. You can binge the whole thing. And we have amazing guests. We've got Jim Jeffries, you can binge the whole thing. And we have amazing guests. We've got Jim Jeffries, who I know you guys know. We've got Jack Osborne, who's a big believer in UFOs and stuff.

Really? Yeah, absolutely, for realsie. And also, we've got a plethora of actual legit UFO people that weigh in on the phenomenon. So yeah, it's a lot of fun. Did you get that Tom Delonge guy on there? I bet he's someone you want on, right? Yeah, I'd love to talk to that guy. He's very much down the rabbit hole and was trying to dig as much as we can to find him. He's in hot demand. So I'm thinking if we go forward into the future, he'd be a hot guest for sure.

I think you could probably get the other guy from Blink 182 easier. Oh yeah, we've had the rest of them. Sure, yeah, of course. But Tom, he's a slippery guy. Now what do you think about, we were talking about this the other day on the show, but it's not NASA. Who's in charge of Area 51? But they basically released all of these tapes saying like, oh yeah, here's all of our archived UFO tapes. Go crazy! Yeah, we have no idea what they are and they might be aliens, who knows? Did you get a chance to look at those? It's subtle.

I've got a big laughter on the other end there. I think that's a future guest. It's one of the things while doing the show remotely, I think our future guest sounds like he's a big fan of what's going on. Oh, okay. Well, that's good. If that gets us up into the eight zone, I'd appreciate that. In In fact that's what I used to do when I did my stand-up if it felt like it was slipping I'd just laugh heavily myself on stage and it's

you know how it's kind of addictive everyone would just start laughing eventually and I'd sort of sometimes I'd close on that just a big laugh. Maybe we could close on that for this episode I think that might be a good laugh. Maybe we could close on that for this episode. I think that might be a good idea. I think that would be perfect. Honestly, it's working on me already. Oh, please. Wonderful.

Well, Aliens Like Us is out there, much like The Truth was out there on the X-Files, which was a show about aliens. So the connections are there if you look for them. And all 10 episodes are available to binge right now. Best way to hear. Best way to hear. Bingey. How long are-

Remember that dog? Benji, yes. Do you remember the movie For the Love of Benji? No, didn't see that one. That was one of the sequels to Benji. I believe there was Benji, then maybe Benji Returns, and then the third one in the trilogy was For the Love of Benji. That's funny.

Which is sort of like an epithet almost, like Benji is tantamount to Jesus Christ, you know? For the love of Christ! Yeah, he's really been elevated there. I wonder if anyone's actually binged the Benjis. Oh, I would hope so. Done a full Benji, Benji, Benji. Benji might have been the Jesus of dogs when you think about it I mean no other dog really has had so many movies

Done about him. Just like if you if you discount Lassie for sure Lassie out Lassie was a TV star though. Did he have movies? Yes, he did Scott oh he did he had movies who can forget Benji That was a bit See you're getting confused that was actually That was a Lassie movie That was one of the Lassie movies Benji. Yeah, that's that's where they went wrong with the guy

His first movie was called Benji. See, yeah. I feel like Lassie was a TV star. It's so hard to translate, you know, and like segue from TV into film. Obviously, you don't have that problem. You are the star of both the small screen and the... But with screens getting smaller these days,

sometimes the screens in your house, you know, on TV are bigger than the screens in the movie theaters. That's controversial. I barely wanted to say it, but... It's getting weird. It's crazy. Well, Rees, Aliens Like Us is the show. It's out there. Apparently, Spotify loves it so much they want to keep it to themselves. So you must have an active Spotify account or at least be sharing a Spotify account. Do you want to give out your Spotify account just so people can share it? What is that? I'm not, I'm not, not sure. It's just your password. Like probably your

Spotify password is probably the same as like your email password. So if you just tell us that. Lassie is Benji. Okay Lassie is Benji. Anything capitalized there or? The last S in Lassie. Okay the very last S. The last S of two. Well wonderful. Aliens like us people can binge it right now and Rh, Rhys, can you stick around? We have another guest that we want to get to right now. Absolutely. Well, you know, I don't know whether this next guest has a double meaning to his name. I'm excited to find out. As far as I know, he has one single name, and it has to do with one characteristic of his personality. Now, Rhys, this is a guy who's been on the show a few times before, and I can't remember exactly anything about him other than he has had a

lot of ex-wives and he pays a lot of money to them. Please welcome back to the show, Alamony Tony. Hello, Tony. Oh, Scott, what a pleasure. Thank you for having me back on the program. It's so good to see you. Reece, great to meet you too. Thank you very much for welcoming me onto the show as the second guest. This is very exciting for me. It is very exciting. Now, Rhys, have you heard of Alamoni Tony before? He's sort of well renowned in the state. I'd be extremely flattered. Oh, come now, you haven't heard of Alamoni Tony. Perhaps you've heard of my alter ego, my musical alter ego, Weird Amoni Alamoni Tony, where I do song parodies under the nom de satire Weird Amoni Alamoni Tony.

What were some of your famous song parodies by the way? Well none of them were famous as you recall all of my YouTube videos have one view, and that's me checking to make sure that it's been uploaded properly. And what I do is I take popular songs, much like Weird Al Jekovic, I take popular songs of the day, and I rewrite the lyrics to make them amusing and not what the song was originally about.

Do your parodies actually, like Weird Al's, he usually rhymes his words, his new titles rhyme with the old titles. So like, another one bites the dust, he does another one rides the bus. Do you follow that logic with your parodies? I often do, sometimes I do not. Really? So what in the-

Well, we're really getting the info here, aren't we? It's sort of an insight. Well, what? Name a song, name a song and I'll tell you what the parody title may or may not be. Okay. How about Lady Gaga's and Bradley Cooper's Shallow? Shallow. So, you take the house, how does that go?

Shallow, shallow, shallow, shallow, shallow. Can I say it seems like you're stalling for time? No, I'm thinking. Is that the same thing as stalling for time? I'm not quite sure. Well, I guess one could think while one- I feel like my process is very transparent. I'm repeating the word shallow over and over again

and saying, what does that rhyme with? I don't think that it's stalling for time. I'm literally trying to think of a word that rhymes with shallow I know you like to accuse people alright this is not one of those instances okay well maybe you could start at the beginning of the alphabet transparency is important yes aloe oh there we go right there perfect perfect so I've got a you know the song is about I've got a bird and i have to put our audit and i had a dot dot dot dot close to it so the best it happened so that i thought

for the al o dal okay but you're you're trying to make where where's the al o al o where's the al al al al al al where's the al al al al al al i fall for the al o dal la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la It's a fun process. Reece, do you have a favorite song that maybe he could parody for something? Well, I've always been a fan of Return to Sender, you know, the Elvis. Return to Sender, Elvis Presley, wonderful song. Based upon the wonderful post office. That's right.

It was one of the few songs, please Mr. Postman. One of the other great post office songs. Can you buy me a roll of one cent stamps? That's right. Forever and ever stamps. Saluting aeronautics, the song. Elvis Presley tribute stamp. Elvis Presley actually sang that song. Elvis Presley tribute step do da do da see that's a song parody that's a bonus. Let's see. Return to center. Okay so what would be a song parody title that would not rhyme but would be a parody of... Seems like there are way more words that you could use for this. Exactly. Well that's the thing. That's the thing, I have to go through the alphabet

for each individual word. So, return. What rhymes with return? Wait, so I thought you were trying to think of things that did not rhyme with return. Exactly, so I start there, and then I say, okay, use that one. Okay, it seems to me like you could start in the dictionary

and just go word by word like a and then aardvark. Now I use the I use the Sherlock Holmes deductive reasoning method which is I take the possible eliminate that I'm left with the impossible. Okay all right so what rhymes with center? So what rhymes with what rhymes okay now you're gonna head yourself because center is at the end so we need to know where the sentence begins and so we start return. We're doing every word? Well, that's what I, this is what you asked me to do. And this is what I'm doing. This is my process.

Okay. I thought you were more interested in the creative process than actually coming up with a song. I guess that I found in this interview, I'm more interested in the results. Oh, I see. Well, then I could come back later and give you the results. Oh, I see. Well, then I could come back later and I'd give you the results. It's gonna take you that long to think of a word that doesn't rhyme with sender or return? Well, because first I have to come up with the words

that do rhyme, eliminate them, and then I... Let's go through a vendor, fender, gender. Out, they rhyme, out. Lender, mender. Can't use it, can't use it. Pender, pretender. Is hender a word? Probably not.

So you can't- Now see, this is the problem with the alphabet method. Sometimes you stumble upon words that aren't real. And then what do you do? You get stuck on those for a while. You say, well, hender, is that a word I don't even know about? What do you do? Because it does rhyme, but it's not a real word, yeah.

And hender's son is a name. So if you're the son of Hender, was Hender one of those jobs like Smith where there was a town Hender? It's like, oh, you'll have to take that to the Hender to have it hended. And that job fell out of favor. Speaking of John Lithgow, Harry and the Hender sons.

Was he in that? I was not speaking of John Lithgow, were you? Before you came on the show, we were speaking of John Lithgow, were you? Before you came on the show, we were speaking of John Lithgow. I think I've spoken of him in my life, if that counts. What were the things that you said about him? Did you see that new John Lithgow show? It's called Third Rock from the Sun.

So this is going back quite a ways. Some of the other words would be tender. Can't use it. V, vendor, obviously vendor. Can't use it, can't use it. I'm running out of ideas. Is that about all? Wender, someone who wends their way. Wender, can't use it.

Okay, Rhys, do you have any on your mind? We're still stuck on sender, are we? Exactly. We need to eliminate the words that rhyme with sender so I can come up with a word to put in its place that in no way rhymes with limbo. We haven't even approached return at this point. What about, all right, well, what about blender? Blender! Can't use it.

Can't use it. All right, so that's gone. That's gone. As a shame, That was a good one I was a really if only this were one of the songs if you see you see if this was if this was one of The songs where the title rhymed Traditional we'd be halfway there Live it on a prayer

But unfortunately not a parody by the way what you just did that was just a reference no, that was not a parody That was a a parody, by the way, what you just did. That was just a reference. No, that was not a parody. That was a classic word association, which I have to do in order to check my mental faculties. I do a little home psychology, and I look at old stains and see what pictures I see of them. What else do I do? I think about my mom. A lot of classic psychology stuff.

That's my process as well, by the way. I think about your mom too. Hey-o! Right? Scott, I think you're making a joke. You were making a joke. I could tell by this, the hey-o at the end. Yes, so a word association, very important. I will think of a word that I'll try to immediately think of a second word. So I wake up and I think, all right,

here we're gonna start the word association test. And I say cat, and then I basically say dog. Because I associate dogs with cats. Because they're mortal enemies. Why, because they chase each other all the time or? They're constantly chasing each other. They're at war. Almost like aliens and predators.

Almost, I was thinking more the Likens and the vampires from the Underworld series of films directed by Len Weisman. Another, by the way, previous guest on this show, Len Weisman. Len Weisman has been a guest on this show. Interesting guy. He likes sex parties and stuff like that. Reese, have you ever been to a sex party? A Hollywood sex party? Not one of his.

Have you been to a New Zealand sex party where everyone knows each other? Yeah, it's a little harder to have a sex party here in New Zealand. Because the sex is more difficult or yeah, there's just fewer choices. It's a smaller population and it's like, oh, you again. Everybody knows each other and even if you wear the masks, there's only one mask shop. And so you go in there and everyone knows which masks have been taken. Who has which mask? Oh, has John got that? Is he? Oh, Mary's got that one. All right. So, and you can tell in your head who's who even through the masks. One of the things I tell people when they come to this country, if they come from another country,

I say, welcome to America. Please take full advantage of our many mask shops. Don't let yourself miss out on an opportunity to buy all sorts of masks and take them back home. Even just browsing, they're fine with that. You can browse around and look at the masks. Some places will let you try them on, some places won't let you do it because they're worried about germs. And it turns out those people were right. I think a lot of the current situation we're in is people trying on elaborate masks. And now look, we all have to wear masks.

What an ironic turn of events were they of Ron Sirlings, The Twilight Zone. I think that it was once they put a Halloween superstore that was open year round, suddenly like it just opened the floodgates to germ city. You know, I think the Halloween should have remained at the store level and they should not have gone super because that they couldn't control it it's it's like our friend Jeff Goldblum from the dinosaur movie saying oh I'm from the fly no this is a different Jeff Goldblum well look am I being ushered off the stage did the Sandman come in and I heard your

distinctive well look, and I thought, well, that's Al Bontotini. He's done. No, no, no, no, no. You're not done. When Scott gives the well look, that's it for you. You've got to get out. No, no, no, no.

I'm just saying we have to take a break. So I wanted to give you some time to really perfect your return to center parody. Oh, OK. That does not rhyme. I do have a lot more to say about Jeff Goldblum and the dinosaur movie. Hopefully there's time for both in the next segment. Okay, well you can certainly talk during the commercial about it if that gets it out of

your system. No, I need people to hear it. We also, we never even got into my latest marriage and divorce. Well that's the thing, your whole deal barely has anything to do with song parodies. No, it doesn't. But that's the thing you're most interested in. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll talk about Alamoni Tony's most recent wife, and we'll hopefully get an answer as to what words do not rhyme with return and sender. And we'll have more Rhys Darby here with us. And and coming up a little later a grocer. So this is a star-packed show So you do not want to miss a thing from this. We'll be right back more

Comedy bang bang we are back here. We have of course the great legendary all the way from New Zealand itself Restarby is here with us, his most recent podcast that has not been cancelled mid-third episode. He got all the way to 10 episodes of this, it's called Aliens Like Us, it's out there, it's a Spotify exclusive. Welcome back to the show, Reece, great to see you. Thank you, Reece. Great to see you. Reece S Thank you. Thank you. Jared S We also have, and I've given him a lot of time. Apparently he has more to say about Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, which we want to get to as well.

Jeff Goldblum Oh, Jurassic Park, that's the name. That's the name of the dinosaur movie. Thank you. Jared S But Alemony Tony is here, aka Weirdamony Alemony Tony. Hello. Have you been thinking up various possibilities for what this song parody could be during the break? I'll be quite honest, I haven't been.

Uh, I've been- Why? We're wasting time. This is the whole purpose of taking the break. I know, I got so hung up on- At least he's honest. I got so hung up on trying to remember the name of the dinosaur film and I wish I'd just ask someone. I wish I'd just ask you what was the name of the dinosaur movie anyway because I knew it wasn't even the dinosaur movie.

That's a different film I think. I wish I'd just said what is the name of the dinosaur movie and then you could say Jurassic Park and then I went great, great, great. Now I've freed up some head space to really focus on the Return to Senda non-rhyming parody title. All right. So, okay, so we're in rough draft stage at this point, but- Can I say, this is actually more difficult than I thought to come up with a title that is a parody of

Return to Sender and yet the title does not rhyme. I could do five of them off the top of my head. Let's hear them. Meat and potatoes. Wow. Well, that's pretty good. Meat and potatoes. I like to eat for food. Right? Here we go.

Gyms and restaurants. Gyms and restaurants? No, I don't think that one works. Okay, sorry, but at least meat and potatoes. Try to sing it. So you said you could come up with five. Gyms and restaurants. I will, but you're cheating a little bit because return is two syllables. So you want to stick to the syllable count. I don't want to do this at all. Then why are we doing it? Well, you, this was something, Scott, you'll forgive me. You seized on this idea, you wouldn't let it go,

you were like a dog with a bone. And then I was trying to be as polite as I possibly could. And yes, I'll admit right now, I was stalling for time, not when you thought I was, but other times. When I started talking about Jeff Goldblum, the dinosaur movie, that was me stalling for time. And of course, I remember at some point it was Jurassic Park and I pretended that I didn't know. But I don that I didn't know.

But I don't want to do this. It's making me feel very small and stupid. Okay. I apologize. I don't mean to make our guests feel that way. By the way, meat and potatoes does not fit into the syllables. And yet you thought it was okay. So I, you know.

Meat and potatoes. It does fit into the syllables. Return. Meat and potatoes. It does fit into the syllables. Return. Meat and potatoes. We're just going to start saying meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes. It needs work, but it is workable. It's workable. Thank you, Reese. Thank you.

Thank you. Look, I feel terrible, Scott, I feel terrible about this. I feel like I, I inserted my song parody sideline into the main hub. This side dish became one of the mains. Exactly, that was not. If you're watching Top Chef, that is a bad situation for the chefs because.

And we're not, we're doing the show. So I shouldn't have done that, and I do apologize. I'd love to just talk about paying alimony if I may. Okay, that's your main thing. Could you explain to Reese who you are and what you do? Yes, Reese, my name is alimony Tony. I think my last name was Chacharote, but I can't be a hundred percent about that because it's been a while. And I've been married and divorced many, many times because I love paying alimony. I love it.

It gives me a real charge. And I have been married and divorced so many times, I'm starting to lose count. It's been over, I think it's been close to a dozen now. And the thing is, I'm independently wealthy because my mother invented gaseous paper. And I am worth roughly a couple trillion dollars. And so even though I am paying a lot of alimony, I'm not really feeling it. But I love writing those checks. I love paying alimony. And you, Tony, you enter each marriage wanting it to work. I have to marry for love.

As much as I love paying alimony, I must always marry for love. And every single, you're not gonna believe me, and I don't blame you for not believing me, but every single time that I've gotten married, I've said, this is the one that's gonna last. Reese, do you believe him? He, he thought you would not believe him.

Do you believe him? Well, he sounds like one of the few people that's managed to achieve that ultimate goal of having your cake and eating it too. Tony, I have to ask, has there ever been a time where, unfortunately, one of your ex-wives has gotten remarried and you no longer have to pay alimony? There have been some close shaves and certainly there was a there was one young wife called Jeanine and Jeanine did remarry but her husband died during the wedding so it was right after the I do's so she was officially a widow but it turns

out that a deceased husband his name was Walter he was penniless and a fraud and so I ended up restarting the alimony she had that marriage and so I was able to resume big alimony to Jadid. Where were you when when he died because I mean that's a little suspicious you love alimony so much he'd died right as you were going to stop. Hold on, Scott, hold on a second. I'm holding. I've never murdered anyone. I don't intend to start. I've never, and I, one of the few people that can- A lot of people have never murdered anyone, but they intend to start at some point. Yes, murderers. Future murderers.

They live their lives as people, and then at some point they say, I intend to do a murder, and then they do the future murderers. So they are people, and then they are future murderers, and then they are murderers. That's exactly correct. They start out as, we all start out as people. Then at a certain point, some people make the choice to become future murderers. So what I do is I think that you're born a baby, then you become a potential future murderer. Then you become a future murderer. Then you become a future murderer, then you become a murderer. So you're there when you're a baby is the only time that you don't have future

murder in your... It's the riddle of the Sphinx. You start out as a baby, you become a potential future murderer, you become a future murderer, you become a murderer. What about future manslaughterers? Do those exist or? Well I don't think it depends because a voluntary manslaughter is That's definitely a thing, but I feel like fewer people say I intend to commit manslaughter I think that's people that intended to commit murder and they didn't do it, right? Manslaughter is like the ultimate whoopsie when it comes to murder. Is it not? Yes, and yet to what a grim, even a grimmer name than murder.

Man slaughter. It's worse, it should be worse. Reese, have you ever murdered anyone or manslaughtered anyone? No, but I think he has a good point there because I have been at that threshold of becoming a murderer. Potential future murderer.

Absolutely. A PGM. As per his saying. Now what I've done, and this is something that other people could do as well, it goes in line with what I was saying before, but a notebook next to my bed, and I write in it, become a murderer. And then when I wake up in the morning into my lucidness,

I will then quickly cross that out. And I do that every night. And that's the only way I get through it. So you're writing things in that notebook that you intend to cross out and not do when you wake up as well. That's right. Okay, your process for your notebook is really, really intricate. I'm fascinated by this.

I get it though. I get it though. It's sort of like you have to come up with words that rhyme in order to eliminate them first. It's a lot like that. I don't want to get back on that. Can I ask Tony, are you ever trying to split up your ex-wives romantic relationships in a Mrs. Doubtfire style kind of thing where you're like insinuating yourself into their life in disguise. I mean I do love to wear disguises. I haven't worn them to the extent of to the purpose of breaking up romantic relationships. I do like to spy on people. That's my guilty secret. I do look I'm guilty. I said it was guilty. I do like to dress up in different

costumes and smile well we're back to the Halloween super stores here in these masks and look all of my disguises were purchased at a regular Halloween store it wasn't super it didn't need to be and but I my my ex-wives my former wives of romantic relationships and entanglements Usually the alimony that they get is enough to keep them from getting married because and this is not to say they're gold diggers They don't know none of these ladies know how rich I am until we get married And I don't I don't reveal it until well into the marriage either because there's no prenup I guess you don't want one because I guess the only prenup you would want is

I want to pay you alimony. That's a dirty word to be prenup. I don't like it at all. And yeah, so I, so usually it's come close a few times. Of course, you got married. But I will often times I will, I will, I will put on a disguise, one of my famous disguises, and I will go to a place where I know an ex-wife of mine is having dinner with a parable.

And I will, sometimes I will disguise myself as a fellow diner, sitting at a few tables away. This is one of your famous disguises, fellow diner. Famous disguise, fellow diner. That's one you can buy right out of the package. Uh, uh, at Halloween Superstore.

I was just going to say, I would point out that in New Zealand, and this is an information for you guys in America, if you do come here, disguises are illegal unless they are bought from the disguise shop. So if you visit, there's, there's, yeah,

there's 10 standard disguises. Fellow diner is one of those. There are others, there's king, there's witch, can't remember the rest, pirate. And so if you're caught wearing those, you can get away with it. But if you do not have an official disguise, then yeah, you're in trouble.

So it's gotta have the mark on it, the stamp that says, this is an official sanctioned disguise. Although I don't know how I would even make a fellow diner costume at home. I mean, that's not possible. You're better off going to the store. You're better off going to the store. And the quality is amazing too.

I remember one time I tried to make a homemade late to the elevator man costume. And I just botched it. It was not, you wouldn't look at this man and say, oh, he almost made it to the elevator. You would say, who are you supposed to be? And so you're better off going to the store. I'm trying to imagine that costume.

Does it have like wire in the ties so that it's like going behind you, like you're running towards the elevator and like the briefcase is half open and papers are spilling out or the briefcase is stretched out isn't it because you're trying to stop the door it's a great costume they're very rare those ones so Tony I feel like we're getting away from what you came here to talk about which is your your recent relationship came here to talk about, which is your recent relationship? Yes, my recent relationship, which has just ended. I'm so sorry.

Oh, well, thank you. Of course, it's a good news, bad news situation because I no longer have a love in my life, but I do get to pay that alimony, which I do love doing so much. This was a young woman named Linda and she and I met, we met at a restaurant coincidentally enough. I was there disguised. That is quite a coincidence. I was there disguised as a man asking to use a business phone and what is that? I love that disguise. That disguise is a man's suit of clothing and what you have to do is to sell it, you have to go up to the front desk of the restaurant and say, can I use your phone? That phrase comes with the costume, doesn't

it? On a card? Exactly. Like a word balloon coming out of your mouth? No, no, no, that's of course not. You have to memorize the phrase. How ridiculous. I apologize. I look. Excuse me, may I use your phone? And then, but here's the great part is if there's any follow-up questions that's all up to you. You get to improv it. So if they say, no, you can't, you say, oh, and then you can walk away or you could say, you can say, please, or you could say, I'm never coming here again. The choice is really up to you.

So I was there, so I just turned away from the front desk at the restaurant because the person did let me use the phone and let me tell you something, I did not know who to call. I didn't, it's never happened before. It's never happened before. And so I had to fake a telephone call, which is very difficult to do. Well, I would imagine that the telephone call

also has to sound important enough to use a business's phone. And that's a completely different costume, which I did not have. So I hung up the phone rather sheepishly and I turned around and there was this gorgeous vision in the front door of the restaurant and her name was Linda. I said, I was struck by her immediately. I said, excuse me, you didn't overhear my conversation about the phone, did you? And she said, I was struck by her immediately. I said, excuse me, you didn't overhear my conversation about the phone, did you?

And she said, what? And then we were off to the races because I explained, I couldn't help it. I looked at her beautiful green eyes and I explained my entire situation to her. I explained everything about myself except being independently wealthy, of course. But I explained-

Did you explain the weirdo-money alimony Tony and how difficult it is for you to come up with titles? Well now, I did explain weirdo-money alimony Tony. She didn't have quite as many questions about coming up with titles as you did, so we did not get into that area of discussion. If only we'd been married long enough. But this was my shortest marriage to date.

Really, how long did this one last? Not counting the one that died. Uh, this, this, this lasted, uh, three full calendar weeks. And it was right where the quarantine happened. We got married the day before quarantine was put into effect. And then three weeks later, our marriage was over. That was the baptism by fire was being having to stay in the mansion and just be confined into those 28 rooms and

it was too much. We didn't we realized we don't really get along and so we had to we had put an end to it. She's lives here however. So did she, she's living there. I was gonna ask, you didn't kick her out of the mansion. No, now we're the best of friends. Oh. Now we're the best of friends. Yeah, all it took was not being married anymore. Yeah, and paying her, what kind of alimony

are you paying her right now? The usual, it's, what was it? $50, dollars a month. Wow. I mean, that's yeah. Fifty thousand dollars a month. That is $600,000 a year. That's a, that's a good amount of what?

And you're, and you're doing it for a dozen. I keep forgetting to do the math on this. What am I doing? Oh, well, I have it. I have the money. What am I, what am I going to spend it on? Do you know am I doing? Oh well, I have it. I have the money. What am I going to spend it on? Do you know what I mean? I'm so sorry that your relationship didn't work out and that you tried love once again. You tried to fit her into your clothes. Is that what you usually do?

I don't try to fit them into my clothes. What it is, is I keep a closet full of clothes for my wives, and the one prenuptial agreement we do have is, you have to return the clothes. And the clothes stay in the house, and I make sure that my future wife will be the exact same measurements as my previous wife. What was the measurement process like with Linda here? Did you measure?

Oh, I can eyeball it now. I mean, it's down to a science. Like, I can see, I can look at a woman and I can see whether or not she's going to fit into the clothes. Because you like them either big boned with very thin skin or you like them to be small boned with... I like a woman with either a lot of meat on her bones or very thick bones, not a lot of meat.

But they have to be roughly the same shape, sort of like that. It's gotta work out the same. Does it look like that snowman in the, hey, Mr. Police, you had all the clues? Does all your wives look like that? Do snowmen have bones? I don't know.

I don't know. Reece, have you ever made a snowman with bones? I don't know. I don't know how Reese do you have you ever made a snowman with bones? I don't know Yeah, you can use twigs and yeah various sticks as a skeleton and then put the snow over that It never occurred to me to do that now every time I see a snowman I'm going to wonder if there's a skeleton of me and what you can do do, and here's something fun for the listeners. So once you've done the skeleton using twigs, arms, you can do a rib cage if you like, you can then, as a bit of fun, put an apple inside the twig rib cage. And once it's all covered in snow, you can do that classic Indiana Jones thing and reach through into the snow

and pull out the apple. Wow. And you can have a lot of fun with that kind of if you're into the sort of evil voodoo Templar doomy dooms. That sounds horrifying to any children who are passing by. That's pretty bad, isn't it? But that's the sort of fun we have here in New Zealand. All right, well.

Well, okay. Look, we do have to take a break. Did you, I'm sorry about Linda, I'm sorry. It's great catching up with you, but can you stick around? We have a, we're gonna... I'd love to, Scott. It's wonderful to see you. It's wonderful to talk to other people besides Linda, even though we are dear friends, but we are, we are, we are the only people that we see. So this is, this is really thrilling for you. This is thrilling for you, yes. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Rhys Darby from Aliens Like Us. We'll have more Alamoni Tony, not from Aliens Like Us.

And we'll be talking to someone who owns a grocery store when we come back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. We have, of course, the great Rhys Darby from New Zealand, where apparently he is enjoying winter right now? Is that, do I have that right? Yes, that's right. We're getting colder by the minute. It's beautiful down here. Wow. And do you celebrate Christmas in the winter or is it a summer thing? That's a summer thing for us. Yeah, it's a very confusing time actually for our nation now I've heard about this because you will often have depictions of Santa Claus Chris Kringle a Surfing and things like that where because it's summertime and he's drawing the summer time antics and he's raised

roasting a weedy over the campfire and He's he's got he's putting a sunscreen on and the campfire. And he's putting his sunscreen on. And a little dog is pulling down his pants. And what are some of the things? Some of the things? Ice cream. He's eating an ice cream cone. There's got to be other some of things.

He's got a sunburn. Shaking out a towel. Shaking out a towel. Shaking out a towel. Because of sand. Sure, sure. Because at the beach. Some of these are not the most dynamic pictures, I think that you, you know.

Well, you've got, Scott, once again, I gotta turn it over to you. If you think you could do better with summertime images with Santa Claus, then have at it. I'm sure you can make five right off the top of your head. Listening to the Beach Boys. I love to see depictions of Santa Claus listening to at it. I'm sure you can name five right off the top of your head. Listening to the Beach Boys. I love to see depictions of Santa Claus listening to the Beach Boys.

That's how you know it's summertime. He's got his ear next to a radio. And he has a thumb's up. Must be Christmas. Must be Christmas because Santa Claus is listening to the Beach Boys in this drawing. Well Alimony Tony, you've been hearing him talk about summer and Santa here. He is also with us, but we do need to get to our next guest. He is, he's been on the show once before. He is the owner of the, I can't remember if it's a chain of grocery stores or just one grocery store, but he

is a small business owner, definitely, and an entrepreneur. Please welcome back to the show Albert Rowe. Hello, Albert. Hello, thank you for having me. Hello Reece, hello Alamone. You know, you can call him Tony. Tony, my man. We're friends now. I don't know that you can call him my man. That's the one thing that I think... He reserves that for his wife. You're right, that's fair. I should have. I should have did quote well from what I understand. Hey, look, what with marriage being, you know, the laws have gotten a lot looser now. You may be a candidate to marry Alamoni Tony here. I mean, you know, you have a nice $600,000 a year coming to you if you do that. Well, well, that's right. The laws have gotten a lot looser. You're right, Scott. It's the slippery slope, obviously.

Listen, obviously, yeah, you pointed out. Did you come here to talk about that? No, I didn't come about I didn't come here to talk about the loosening of the laws. I actually came to talk about some of the the law tightening that's been happening. Oh to talk about some of the law tightening that's been happening. Oh, okay. So the opposite. Laws are getting kind of strict in my neck of the woods. As you know, I am a grocer. I own a singular grocery store in Downey, California. Which one is that again?

It's called Kissy's Local Grocery. Kissy's, right. And is that over by, like, off Paramount? Where exactly is that in Downey? It's actually on Firestone and Old River School Road. Oh, OK. So just down the street from the Acapulco restaurant. Yeah, it's it's it's not quite close to the Acapulco, but you could. You can take a major street to get there.

So right before the six or five hits the five. If you get to the 110, you've gone too far. You've definitely gone too far. Yes. So I it's called kissies because as you know, I do kiss every single item in my grocery store. That's one of my personal touches. I, I, I polish them. So like take an apple, onion, banana. That's one of your personal touches. I'm sorry, just one of your personal touches is kissing each item in the store.

That's right. I kiss each item in the store. That's right. I kiss each item in the store, and then I polish it off again so it's nice and shiny. But as you know, going to the grocery store right now, I don't know if you've noticed, Scott, it's a little different. Well, OK, yes, I have noticed that. Reese, I don't know if in New Zealand, actually you're not dealing with the,

the virus is kind of going away there, is that right? But here- Yes. Yes. Here in the States, it still is rampaging through our cities and our neighborhoods. Just rampaging. It's simply rampaging. Wow.

It's on a rampage. It's tearing through our country like a tornado. Yes, it is like a hurricane that's just sweeping up everyone in its path. It's like a Dwayne Johnson movie. It's like a volcano. A Tissue Mini. Sure, of course. So going to the the grocery store, yes, it's a little bit different. Do you want to talk about how that's affecting your grocery store? Well, it's not really affecting my grocery store. Before we get into that, can I ask, what are some of the other signature moves? Yeah, we gotta hear about these other personal touches. I'd just like to hear two more personal touches. Two more personal touches? Great,

there's no door on my store. There is not a door. Oh, I love that rhyme. Yeah, well, yeah, it is a rhyme on purpose. There's no door at the store, and that store is Kissy's. That's written on the window. There's a lot of things written on the window at my store.

That is not one of my personal touches. It is just something that happens to be part of it because my store is made of glass. Right, Yes. You're uh, there are no actual Walls that are not not see-through. It's sort of like uh, willy wonka's glass elevator in there like everything is see-through Yes, but those are not personal touches. Those are not personal. Those are not personal not having a door personal touch stuff written on the windows Not a personal touch. No, it's just the betcha that's just part of it. Like that, you just have to take that as part of it. That just happens.

That's just part. So there are things that are part of it and things that just happen. Yes. And do you have something written on the window of like if you've gotten to the 110, you've gone too far or there are instructions like that? Well, so that's not written on my window.

That is written on a window closer to the 110. So if you're close to the 110, you do see that. You will know to go all the way back. OK, got it. But do people know that it's connected to Kissy's? Or do they just see written on some other window, you've gone too far? So you've bought other properties,

and you're advertising on those properties that it is not your main property. I haven't bought, I have not purchased property. What I have done is taken up vandalism. I have vandalized these are homes like our local other businesses. So you've taken up vandalism. I've taken it up and can I say I'm loving it. Yeah, it's fun.

Absolutely. I see you. I love to vandalize. It's very fun. But that you know, people sort of know me as like the town vandal. So instead of being the grocer who owns the thing, they know you as the town vandal. Well, you know, if you could pick what you're known for, I obviously would pick that I would be the grocer. But you need a better publicist.

You need a better publicist here because I mean, you know, kissy you, you are a mad who says you kiss each item in your grocery store, but you're known as the town vandal. That's right. Yeah. And you know, I, if I could have it the other way around, I absolutely would, but it's just, it's just not my place There are other things about me that you know, you might remember Scott Jeff Bezos is my dad. Yeah, that's right You're Jeff Bezos son. I forgot about that aspect of your personality. Jeff Bezos is my dad and all of my cum is feminine

Okay, I did not remember that and still don't remember it. I I only shoot wise Okay, I did not remember that and still don't remember it. I only shoot wise. Okay, right. Okay. So if you if anyone were to marry you, and I can't recall if you have a significant other much like Alamoni, Tony did at one point. I have 10 daughters with many partners. Oh, that's right. So you've never gotten married. So you you only have 10 daughters. That's right. But do they work at the store? I can't remember. They do work at the store, but they work in the back because I will not have them seen. So what you have to know about obviously this coronavirus, as we're calling it, I'll call

it a debacle, it's changing the way all these stores are operating. You got your Albertsons, your Ralphs, your Vines, your Safeway, Gelsons, Pavilions, Stater Brothers, Sprouts, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Winko, Kroger. They're all following the CDC guidelines, keeping six feet of distance. Publix. Yeah, Publix is another one. Yeah. Did you mention John's, which basically bought a bunch of Vons restaurants and then only

replaced one letter? Yeah, you know what? Yeah, John's is doing this as well. And it's Harris Tita. Harris Tita, Super A. I think he's doing it. Tita? It's Harris Tita. Oh, well, Harris Tita is doing it too. Who's Harris Tita? Is that what you said? That's what I said. They're also doing it. Sure. So they're all, they have the... I've lost track of what they're doing now. What are they, what are these people doing? They're keeping six feet distance in the line. They're, you're limiting items such as toilet paper, you know, things that are deemed essential goods, meat. How about

ACME? ACME? ACME also doing it. Wow. We, it's fair to say that if it's not Kisses, they're doing it. Yeah. Which could be a slogan for you. Well. Bristol Farms. Bristol Farms doing it. The store from NBC Superstore doing it.

Now I think that should have just been a store. It should never have upgraded to a superstore. They got huge. They got too big, too fast, and we all saw it coming. But these other stores, they're making me look like not just the town vandal, but the town fool. They're making they're all coming for my neck, Scott. Oh, I'm glad you finally said they're coming for your neck,

because as I recall, that was one of your catchphrases. The last time you were here. It's almost as if I stopped saying it. But I do remember that that is the thing that i always say uh... they're all coming from a nectar all following the cdc guidelines the whole guidelines and you know i'm just a local businessman i don't have

the capital to keep up with these big corporations so it right now you are you are to be fair jeff bezos is son yeah look i come from immense wealth, but Tony. Is Pavilions also observing these six folks? I don't know that we have time to get into every other store. If these stores keep coming up, I'm going to, if you keep asking me this, Tony, I'm going to assume you're in the pocket

of one of these grocery stores and are coming for my neck. You don't want to be coming for Albert's neck here. I promise, these grocery stores and are coming for my neck. You don't want to be coming for for Albert's neck here. I promise Albert I'm not coming for your neck. Gelson's are they doing it? He mentioned Gelson's. Oh you did mention Gelson's. I apologize. 365 is doing it. We don't have time to go through the whole list. What are you, if it's not Kissy's they're doing it, what are you doing instead? Well I'll tell you what we're doing, Scott. We haven't changed a goddamn thing. Okay.

Okay. Because the Kissies guarantee is if you want something kissed, you better come to Kissies. I'm kissing all the stuff and I'm still kissing all the stuff. Can I just point out that you're, the Kissies, the Kissies guarantee just sounds like a piece of advice. If you want something kissed, it's just, yeah, it's more like a helpful hint. Nothing's being guaranteed at all. in. Okay, well maybe... Nothing's being guaranteed at all. Well, the Kissies advice... Okay, you're calling it advice now. I'll call it advice. If you want something kiss, come to Kissies, and if you want it kiss, I guarantee it'll be kissed. What if you

don't want something kissed? Then get the fuck out of my store. Wow. That's just how it is, and you know, it Wow. That's just how it is. And you know, it's, we're- That's written on the window? I'm just hoping that people are trying to, yeah, that's written on the window, the wall as it were. I'm just, you know, cause people, I don't know about you or anybody here,

we're all trying to just live according to Jim. Our- We're all trying to live according to Jim, You know, our, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a want. I'm doing it. I'll give you a damn kiss. Sure. Can I ask, have you contracted the COVID-19 virus? Many times, and it's fine. So you're transmitting this to every customer with every product on your shelf. Are you coming for my neck, Scott? No, I am not coming for your neck. I apologize.

Reece, are you coming for Albert's neck? I hope you're not. Well, I'm devising a new show with a double meaning in the title. So I'm constantly, as you know, writing things down in my notebook, waking up, crossing it out, working out what my next move is. And yeah, I'll tell you this much.

I've got a few ideas. Oh really? So what do you got? If they're involving me, I'd love to know. Yeah, well, first of all, I wanna get that shop of yours shut down. I mean, that's not an idea that's helpful to Albert, certainly. That's my source of income here.

You're coming for my neck, Reese. Reese, you are coming for his neck. That's directly my neck. You in straight fit. I want to reiterate, I am not coming for your neck. That is the title of my next show, Coming for My Neck. Which may have a double meaning as well.

Yeah, it's a dodgy one. It's a shifty double meaning. Sure. Shady, whatever you want to call it, but I want you involved. Yeah, so you want my store shut down so I can work on the show. Yeah, that's what I'm offering you.

I want to, it's a deal. What do you say? I mean, this is quite an opportunity. This is, have you ever wanted to be in show business? In the business of show? I mean, it's something that a grocer can only dream of, you know? Every grocer wants to be in show business.

I mean, look. So what do you say? I mean, this is an incredible opportunity. I know you love your store. I know you love kissing inanimate objects. I don't know that you've ever kissed an inanimate object. I love kissing them. I know that you have 12 different daughters.

I don't know whether you're... Ten. Ten, sorry, ten. I don't know whether any of your ten partners allowed you to kiss them if they had the pretty woman rules going on during this. I do. You know, they don't have the pretty woman rule. I do.

And the first rule in that is that I do always snap at their fingers with a little box. Okay, sure, sure. That's the pretty woman rule. But are you saying that you like to kiss things but no one can kiss you? Oh, if you even come near me with your lips, I assume you're going straight for the neck and that's a chop. So you have never been kissed rules? You've never been kissed? I, you know, I've never been kissed and I'm also undercover at a high school. Okay, well. As a high school. Okay, well.

As a high school student. We don't have time to get to any of that. Okay. Are you sure we don't? This is, what a thing to drop in at the 11th hour. I'm having a lot of fun at high school again. It's better than you remember. Albert, Albert, can I ask you a sincere question?

Please, Tony. Gristides, are they observing your sister? Okay, look, we're running out of time here. Dwayne Reid is also doing it. Yeah, Tony. Gristides? Are they observing this? Okay, look, we're running out of time. Dwayne Reid is also doing it. Yeah, we're running out of time. We just have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called Plugs. You got buzzed, you got some buzzed, but take your hand You got buzz from the song, it's called Head Lice Oh wow nice and short that was Now You Have Head Lice by Family Man. Reese what do you have to plug? Obviously Aliens Like Us is a Spotify exclusive,

it's out there right now, People can binge all 10 episodes. Other than that, I guess I would only plug the one of the main stores here in New Zealand the mask and official disguise shop. Of course. Great. All right. Well, Alamoni Tony, what are you plugging? Well, I'd certainly like to plug the institution of marriage and the Tony what are you plugging? Well I'd certainly like to plug the Institution of Marriage and the divorce laws in this state in which I live. What state is that by the way? We've never established that. Oh yeah it's different from where you are. I would also like to plug a couple of podcasts if I may because you

know your show got me into, you know I'm a huge fan I loved I and you know the first time we met was because you chose my catchphrase of course to read on the show so I love podcasts there's two right now what I call the neighborhood listen starring Paul F. Tompkins and Nicole Parker where they take a post from the next door app and they use those for the as the basis for improv and then there's another one called Stay F. Homekins. That's also Paul F. Tompkins and his gorgeous wife. They're still married. Janie Haddad Tompkins and that's just them catching up

during quarantine on a weekly basis. It's an intimate conversation that you can have in the background. I feel like you're visiting with someone. Great, so those are some great podcasts to listen to. Your podcast plate is almost full but albert road you have anything to plug here that's a yes so they've made sure you come to kissy's we're not doing any of

that silly stuff that were not compliant with uh... cdc so if you don't have a mask you can just come right on and it's fine uh... it is this young this yet this young comedian i guess I can still call him young. Yeah, I'm not really sure about that.

Yeah, you know, he... The minute you said that, my ears pricked. I don't know who you're talking about, but I suddenly thought that was very braggy. You know, yeah, it gave, as I was saying it, it gave me pause and, you know, let's, I'll just call him a nice comedian. Rising star. A rising star. A rising star.

I would never say that about this person myself, but that's very nice. His name is Manapadaka. He has a podcast called What's With These Homies Talking About Weezer, where he talks to fun people about his favorite band, Weezer, and they don't ever really seem to also be on board. That's a very fun podcast. Do you know how he feels about the new Van Weezer songs that have come out? He hasn't recorded an episode, but I've heard that he is truly just loving every second of it and having the best time possible with these crazy,

crazy tracks. He must be very upset about the tour with Green Day that got cancelled. You know, I do have a good authority that he does have tickets for it and his date has not been moved yet and he's nervous. He's not's, it's not happening until next year. If it moves, he will go moves, but if it's on the same date, he will be there. And he will have to be late. Albert, Albert, food lion. Okay. Uh, I want to plug, um, you know what I just found out, and this is such a, a

bummer is that the comedy bang bang television show, which Reese, you know what I just found out, and this is such a bummer, is that the Comedy Bang Bang television show, which Reese, you were so good to appear on back in the day, it is being taken off of Netflix as of June 2, I believe. So you have just a few scant weeks, if I could implore the listeners out there of this show which are Legion to just turn on Comedy Bang Bang while you're in the house and you're not even watching TV just let it run because it'd be nice to get those

numbers up right before they take it down. Now the good news it's a real good news bad news bears situation where apparently some episodes are now up on Pluto TV where you can see bajillion dollar properties another show by the way Reese that you were on that you were so funny on oh yeah you can see bajillion dollar properties there you can also see some episodes of comedy bang bang but watch the entire season if you haven't gotten to it yet on Netflix all right let's close up the old plug bag. You start with a C when you want to close it up.

You lead with an L and then you open up the plug bag. Open it up, plug bag. Take your hand and open it up Then a ratio comes and that heat just says They loaded up my life to eliminate the paradise I've wasted it all my life, and it's an end of paradise Open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag,

open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag, open up the plug bag! Just keep it buckin', open it up, the plug bag! Open it up, the plug bag! Open it up, the plug bag! Open it up, the plug bag! Open it up! Alright, that's a new remix that was sent to us by Jonathan Astonish on Twitter Thank you so much

to him, that's a new remix of our closing up the plug bag theme. What did you think of that, Rees? It was intense To him, that's a new remix of our closing up the plug bags theme. What did you think of that, Rhys? It was intense. Yeah. A great length, too. Yeah, a perfect length when you want to be wrapping something up. Well, speaking of wrapping it up, I want to wrap up this episode.

Rhys, always great to talk to you. Thanks so much for asking to be on the show, and especially with such a large time difference. By the way, what time is it now there? We're looking at 20 to four now. Amazing. Yeah, we're doing really well, guys. Another hour and we can crack open a couple.

Alamoni, Tony, always great to see you. Your story is always fascinating I promise next time I won't get so hung up on the one minor detail of your life. That's all right Scott I understand you love music you love comedy it makes sense to me. Albert I hope that you don't think that I'm coming for your neck when I say thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you for having you know I say thank you so much for being on the show Thank you for that. You know, I was wondering where the rest of that sentence was gonna go and I was like this seems neck adjacent But thank you for not going all the way. I appreciate that. All right, I was gonna go on a rampage

All right, we'll see you next time guys, thanks. Bye guys thanks bye