Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Dan Wilson, Paul Rust, Christine Bullen, Charlie McCrackin

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Singer-songwriter Dan Wilson joins Scott to talk about his favorite song he’s ever written, 10 Things I Hate About You, and performs songs off his new EP “Dancing on the Moon.” Then, Cecil Sotheby of Sotheby’s Auction House stops by to share a list of celebrity items that are up for auction. Later, recent widow Myrtle McGee drops by to talk about her previous 17 husbands. Plus, Cordwood Pete Bunyan stops by looking for lumberjack work.

You can paint a whole zebra with half a can of paint. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. I never really thought about it that way, but yeah, you can. Thank you to Hugh Junderpanz for that wonderful catchphrase mission, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition, very special, first week of October edition. We only get to celebrate the first week of October once a year on Comedy Bang Bang, and we're doing it today. Beginning of Q4, as we call it here, Q4, quarter four, and we have a great episode for you.

By the way, my name is Scott Ackerman, I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Coming up a little later on the show, we have someone who works in public relations, looks like we have a recent widow, ooh, I wonder how recent, boy, that's going to be a bummer talking to them, but we also have someone in the lumber industry, so you can see exactly what type of show this is, but before them, celebs are back, celebs are back. There was such a long fallow period of time when we had no celebs on the show because no one wanted to come to my backyard where we were taping the show, but now we're back in studio, celebs are back.

And we have one of our favorites here. This is his second time on the show, returning guest, and you know him as the lead singer and songwriter of the band Semisonic, and you know him as the songwriter of such iconic songs as Adele's Hello, and he has a new EP out called Dancing on the Moon. What? What? These are three surprising facts. Please welcome Dan Wilson.

Hello, back to the show. Thank you for the welcome back. Yeah, so I guess I'm like an old veteran now. You're an old favorite, yeah. Well, a lot of people don't know, we've talked about it a few times, is we do first and last episode the first time you come in. And then the last episode. Yeah, so this is still, this was from years ago, yeah.

We record first, it's a lot like rent checks, you get first month, last month. So bleak, it's like knowing the day you die, it's not something you really want. But I guess that you planned recording this new EP Dancing on the Moon, which is coming out this week? Years into dance? Yeah, you gotta have a plan, you need to know what's happening in Q4. Yeah, it's great to see you. So good, I was so thrilled when Word came through the wire that you were requesting

to do the show again. Yeah, that was the one last time. I can never quite tell if anyone has a good time or not. That's interesting. And I kind of left that one going like, I hope he had a good time, but who knows? So I'm glad to see you. Oh, I had a really good time last time. Oh, good.

Oh, by the way, I didn't write hello by a dollar. Oh, I'm sorry, which one did you? Someone like you. Someone like you, that's right. And a couple others. But you can just say hello. I mean, I could say that I wrote it. You said hello to her?

And also it fit in with your sort of upspeak of... Yeah, thank you for not correcting me in the middle of... Hello? You did write closing time, though, which is... Yes? I did? And someone like you is just as good as hello, right? Right on.

Right? Was that a number one? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How many weeks? I actually don't know. You don't know. I would love to know.

And the internet knows, so we don't need to know. The answer is out there as easy as pressing a few buttons on that thing you keep in your pocket. Out there, yes. But, I mean, incredible career. I think I talked about this last time you were on the show, but my wife and I used to listen to the All About Chemistry album a lot when we were first getting together. And it was our anniversary the other night.

We were driving to dinner and I mentioned you were going to be on the show again. She goes, ooh, let's listen to him on the way back. Oh. It was very romantic. I love it. Yes. Wonderful songwriter. Tell me about Dancing on the Moon.

Did you have to actually take a trip on the Jeff Bezos rocket ship or anything in order to do research for this or what happened? Sadly, no. I didn't get to go on any billionaire trips like that. Yeah, I can't say much about the song because for me, one of those songs that just happens in a flurry and it's almost hard to take credit for it. So a song is called Dancing on the Moon, then you called the entire... Again, we called the EP Dancing on the Moon mostly because it's my favorite song on the

EP. Oh, great. And it was... I really wanted to capture a kind of almost like a romantic couple in outer space, isolated but together at the same time. Are these aliens or are they a human with a really hot alien girl? It's like your neighbors, but they're in spacesuits. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Just average people. Did you record this in a spacesuit? That must be hard. No, but I did the video and I rented a spacesuit and a bunch of my friends texted for the video and a bunch of my friends texted me and said, Dan, I've never seen you look more naturally yourself. Maybe you should have bought that spacesuit.

I know. I should have instead of renting it. But you don't have a closet big enough. It's a lot of... The backpack is huge. Right. The boots, it's just a lot. So you made the video for this actual song, Dancing, which is your favorite song.

And a lot of people say that songwriting is a lot like having children. You can pick your favorites. You can, really? But you're not allowed to say, right? No, but you can, but everyone has their favorites. Wow. Yeah, I have my favorites, but it's almost like, if I said my favorite is Dancing on the Moon and you said, oh, well, my favorite song of yours is Closing Time, I'd go like,

what, you don't like Dancing on the Moon? I'm hurt. Yeah, exactly. Do you have a favorite song you've ever written and was it one that you sang yourself or was it something that someone else sang? Wow. These are basic questions, Dan. No, no, that's a good one.

I should really use... Like, really, if you do any press at all... I should look within once I should introspect more. I appreciate you making this your first stop on your press tour, but these are the kind of things people are going to be asking you. What kind of Naval Gazer do you think I am? No, I don't know. I mean, there's a couple of semi-sonic songs that I really love.

There's one called D&D, which I... D&D, Do Not Disturb, which I had no idea what it meant. I thought you were talking about D&D, Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, so a lot of my nerdy friends thought so, and they were like, yeah, it's finally... Finally, he does one for us, bro. But that song is essentially about putting on the Do Not Disturb and just... Yeah, let's just be alone. It's a little bit like Dancing on the Moon.

It's a little bit like the same theme. I don't know. I have... I really love Not Ready to Make Nice that I did with the Dixie Chicks, kind of because it was so useful for them. It did something really, really powerful in their sets for the tour that they went on afterwards. It was a way to state their case, and then they would...

If they didn't want to explain, they just had the song. Did you ever go see them live, and then while they're singing that song, you're like pointing at yourself and then making the writing motion? Nobody knows. Nobody is good enough at hieroglyphics to understand that. I think I believe my wife and I's favorite songs would be The Act Naturally is, I think, number one for us, and then One True Love, I believe. Those are our favorites.

One True Love has Carol King on it, so how could you not love that? That was the band's secret crowning glory because none of our rock friends thought it was cool at all that we had Carol King on, but we knew better. Well, it kind of recontextualized her for me, too, where I was like, oh man, because it was 2000, I think that record came out. It was like, oh wow, I haven't thought about Carol King in a while, but here she is guesting on this great record, and then I tried to replicate her backing vocals when we were driving home the other night, and I did not succeed.

Does that surprise you? Well, she's hard to beat. Yeah. But I tried. I came close. I got 99% of it. That's called hubris. A lot of people know you, of course, from closing time, which is, I mean, as opposed...

I guess Adele's song would be your biggest hit, but the biggest hit that you sang is closing time. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah. I mean, it's interesting because I've written so many songs, and it's not like a noticeable percentage of them do well. On average...

Like you've written probably... Nothing happened. You've written 500 songs, and three were huge. Yeah. So the median is... So you view yourself as a failure. Yeah. I've failed most of the time, and then once in a while, this insane thing happens.

And every single time you write a song, you're hoping that it's number one for 20 weeks or whatever. Yeah, and I'm like the parent who thinks this one is the best one ever. Finally, I've said it all. But when you wrote closing time, were you running around? I'm assuming you're in an apartment at that point. Are you running around your apartment just high-fiving imaginary people going, I fucking did it?

No. It's funny because I still haven't... I don't have a banger meter in my brain that says, you know, smash or whatever. Bangdarr. Bangdarr. I don't have Bangdarr, but I do have a cryptic one, which is, I can't wait to play this for my friends. Oh.

But I never link the two. Like, I'm always like, oh shit, I have to play this for my friends. But I don't go, and that's the... That's the obvious for single, yeah. It's the tell, yeah. I like it to be one of your friends where you're calling them up going, let me play this song I just wrote five minutes ago. I like to be in that category.

Okay. But there's a lot of songs, it's a heavy responsibility. I'm okay. I'll listen to the 490 second shitty ones. This is the 12th bad one in a row. Don't call again unless it's really good. Did you, because you were on major-ish labels, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Right? I've been on major-ish labels. I've been, it's like going over to the other side. Right. You can't be on six major labels and say you did great, but that's what I did. Yeah. You had minor experiences on major labels.

Exactly. Brief forays, flings. Was there ever an experience where they were like, hey, this is the single, and you were like, this person's fucking crazy? Well, that has happened. And also, well, when closing time, I've had both sides. When closing time, when we finished that record, Feeling Strangely Fine, we sent it to the label. They said, we can't put this out.

It has no singles. And it had three songs that charted really well, including that one. But at the time, they said, you've got to go back and do more songs so we can have some hits. And I was like, basically, because my whole approach to music has always been, how can we scam someone into giving us a budget so we can record more? Right. So this was like a win for me.

I was like, yes. They're going to give us more money to go into the studio. That's how I felt about the Between Two Ferns movie was like, they're like, I got to say, we don't like the ending. You have to shoot more. I'm like, all right. Right. Yeah, we get a lot of money.

I can go back and fix other things, too. My manager, Jim, said, no, unless you think you can beat those three songs, you know that the label will pick the ones that they commissioned, no matter whether they're better or not. So you held out. So we just turned off our phones and disappeared from them. And then closing. Oh, you turned off. You had phones back then.

Yeah. This is like 1997. Barely. How do you turn those off? You unplug them from the wall? Well, like get the house? Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. And this came up recently in my life. You were on the 10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack. And what was that song that was? Is it FNT? FNT. When you wrote that, were you like, I'm the acronym guy, DND, FNT. This is my wheelhouse now.

If it was a brand, I didn't really protect it very well, because those are the only two I did. I was wondering why you gave up so easy. I didn't realize that it was my look, and instead it was just a flirtation. But of course, I just watched that movie for the first time for my other show, Scott Hasn't Seen, where I watched movies that I haven't seen before. And suddenly that song started playing, and I'm like, there we go. There's my boy.

I'm locked in. There's my boy. There's my friend who's going to call me and play me some nice songs. My teenage daughter recently watched that. Do you have 10 rules about dating her? How many rules is it? Seven? 10 Things I Hate About You?

No, no. There's a... Never mind. There's a sitcom about dating my teenage daughter. How many rules? I'm going to look this up now. You go ahead and talk. You find it.

I'll just babble. You go ahead and talk, and I won't listen to you. My daughter and her friends were watching 10 Things I Hate About You for... I don't know why or how that happens in the current culture, but they were. And they were stunned when I started singing. They were stunned, and she was stunned. Oh, really? I just read, briefly skyrocketed, and I was back to normal.

Like, no. You're an idiot. Boy, so what are these eight rules? I don't know that we ever found them out, because unfortunately, what's his name, passed away before that show ever got to the rules, I believe. What was his name? He played Jack Tripper on Three's Company. I read that such a wonderful career is reduced to me not remembering his name.

John Ritter. Of course, John Ritter is. He had eight rules for something? He had eight simple rules for dating his daughter, his teenage daughter. This is so alarming, I can't even get... You should write this song, though, because the rules were never explained. It sounds so offensive, even just to mention it without knowing what it's about. But when you think about songwriting structure, eight rules, you can get through those in

like two verses, and then a chorus. I mean, this is like not a bad idea for a song. But wait, are we talking, like, who in the world would date their daughter? I don't understand. Oh, I see the misunderstanding. Well, what is it going to be? These are rules he's telling to prospective suitors for dating my teenage daughter. Oh, well, even that sounds bad.

Okay, okay, now I get it. Now I get it. I'm sorry. So wait, the entire time I was talking about this, you assumed that he was making rules for himself to date his own daughter? Yeah, I was feeling so harmed by that. I was, though. I was like, what the fuck?

What am I missing? Do you have teenage daughter or daughters? One. I have a 25-year-old and a... 25-year-old. 15-year-old. Do they understand what you do? I mean, they obviously understand what you do, but is it just like, are they proud of...

When something like Adele comes out with a big hit, are they telling people at school do you know, like, yeah, my dad wrote that song? Are they embarrassed? Are they proud? Like a combo. Like a combination of deep embarrassment and occasional pride. Can they even enjoy listening to a song that you wrote like the rest of the world does? See, I like to think that secretly they like it and they just make me think that they don't.

I like to think that underneath the sneering and the disregard is kind of respect. Yeah. I think that would be cool to say to you, although it would be terrible if they were suddenly that song comes on, they go, my dad wrote this, and they're like, that song sucks. And then they feel bad about it. I think my daughter's friends were too polite to say the song in 10 things I hate about you was bad. I don't think they thought it was bad.

I think they were enjoying the movie. Was it FML? What is it again? TNT. TNT. No, not TNT. It's FNT. Yeah.

TNT. What if you wrote... D-H-L. Here's my new pitch. TNT. You write a song about the Turner... TBS. Turner Broadcasting System.

I'll just do only songs with, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Finally, a recipe that I can follow. Wonderful. Well, Dancing on the Moon is out now, just came out a couple of days ago, and you're here, you're going to be doing songs for us. I'll do a couple songs.

Couple songs. That's incredible. And you're going to stick around and be sort of my co-host. As long as I can. You're the Ed McMahon to my... I don't know who else, but... I'm the fern. Not Johnny Carson.

I'll be one of the ferns. Okay, great. Well, wonderful. Next, Dan Wilson is here, Dancing on the Moon in stores now. But let's get to our first non-musician guest, of three non-musician guests. Nice. Okay, he is in public relations. I mentioned this, and I've never met him before.

I don't believe. This is my first time. Hi. How are you? This is Cecil Sotheby. Hi. Hi, Scott. Hi.

It's so great to meet you. You know what? It is so... It is lovely to meet you and lovely to meet you, Scott. Thank you so much. It's our pleasure. For having me here. I'm a fan of the podcast.

Oh, you are. You've listened to this, hopefully not the early episodes. Even the early episodes. Uh-oh. Don't cancel me. No, no. I thought you meant for their roughness, but I liked seeing how slowly it became a polished jewel.

Thank you so much. Not too slowly, I hope. I thought we did okay. Oh, no. The jewel was polished very quickly, Scott. Okay, but it was unpolished for a few episodes, though. But then it was a quick polish. Yes, but an unpolished diamond still sparkles.

That's a good point. Would you throw a diamond in the trash because it hadn't been polished? No, only if the trash was other diamonds. It was actually a fake trash can where you kept your diamonds to throw the scent off of burglars. A burglar would walk by and say, Mary a diamond in there. Good point. Good point.

Cecil, why are you here? Who are you? Well, all this talk of diamonds, you must know that I am a collector of just an appreciator, a curator of rare items. I, my name, is Cecil Sotheby as in Sotheby's auction house. Oh, so are you one of the... Yes. Oh, okay.

Yes, my great-great-grandfather was Terence Sotheby. Oh. And he began... Was he the guy who started Sotheby's? Yes, he began the auction house. Have you ever gone to a Sotheby's auction before? No, I see the real estate signs every once in a while. I'm like, oh, that house must be fancy because it has a reputation for being like the fanciest

stuff. And they're very, we're very choosy about who we give the brand to. The real estate was one of the rare offshoots. So we haven't, it's the auction house and real estate. Oh, okay. So where are you involved in the business? Public relations. So that's why I come here and...

So you're the... I saw on the media list, Cavity Bang Bang, I said, I'll take that one because I'm a fan, so I wanted to come in and meet you. Thank you so much. When you say you're doing public relations for Sotheby's or it's Sotheby's branded public relations? No, we're having an upcoming auction. Oh, that you want to get the word out about?

Yes. Oh, great. Let's talk about it. And I think your listeners, anybody would have a lot of interest. And I actually brought the catalog here. Oh, okay. I brought a catalog for you. Oh, thank you.

Oh, wow. My own copy. Did you bring one for Dan? Dan, here you go. Here's a catalog as well. Yeah, I noticed you brought that third catalog and you weren't offering it to him. I apologize if you were keeping that in reserve for something else. Well, we have an expression, we at Sotheby's have a catalog, threes.

Oh, great expression, of course. And if there's four people, then we just say five and rhyme it with Sotheby. Oh, and then you keep one, yeah, in the car. Yes. But we have a very exciting auction of celebrity items. Memorabilia? Oh, wow. Yes.

Items owned by celebrities. Owned by. Yes. And their estate, if they've passed on or if they're alive, not to speak so coarsely, but they, of course, they put up their items for auction. They get some of the money and our auction house, and then the person goes home with a beautiful piece of it. I know how auctions work.

Scott? If only your razor wit could be on the auction block. Oh, well, I need it in case I do more of this show. Please don't ever give it up for auction. Okay, thank you so much. So what are these items? You know, the last time I ever did anything like this was back, right when we started the show back in 2009 of Paul Scheer and Rob Hubel and I went to the Michael Jackson auction

of all the things from his life that were going to be auctioned, which they pulled before they actually auctioned them. Do-do. Do-do? What? Do-do. Excuse me. Do-to.

I don't remember why there was some sort of issue where they were like, we don't know who actually owns these things. So they pulled everything. But it was fascinating to go look at the things. That was mainly a lot of unique items, you know, like a Peter Pan headboard. I remember it was one. Yes. I mean, those are more eccentric items.

But at the celebrity, you know, they're fairly, what's interesting, if I may say. No, let's get to the interesting part. They're quotidian objects. They're everyday objects. It's just the fact that, oh, yes, this celebrity must have owned this and held this at that point. That gives it the. So for instance, for example, we have a.

Thanks for dumbing it down for us. He said, for instance first, and I was like, what is he talking about? And then you change it to, for example. So I appreciate that for the lay people out there. I was going to start with IE. Oh boy. Don't do that. But I dumbed it down before even that.

A pair of Cary Grant's cuff links. Wow. Well, Cary Grant was one of the most dapper celebrities. Movie star incarnate. He kind of exemplifies old Hollywood glamour. Yes. Nobody better than him before or dare I say after. Really?

So you think that was just the apex? Just in terms of movie star charisma. Okay. So his cuff links. Along with a tennis racket owned by Marilyn Monroe. I had no idea she ever even played tennis. I don't think there are any pictures of her playing tennis. Well, she wanted to.

She took lessons and she bought a fine tennis racket. She wanted to practice in style. So we have that up for auction along. But she didn't keep it up. She didn't ever. You said she wanted to. Oh, she took, when I spoke to her estate, I did ask. I said, how many lessons did Miss Monroe take with this?

For real? And they said, um, they said Cecil. I said Cecil. They said Cecil. If it's more than three, we'd be shocked. More than so. Okay. It's like, unlike when she went more than three.

She's held this racket for approximately, lessons are typically 45 minutes. About two hours and 15 minutes of her life. Right. But it has the story attached to it. What? The story you just told me? Yes. I heard this story on the podcast.

About the guy mispronouncing your name? Yes. Okay. And of course the story that Marilyn, she only took three lessons and she gave it up. And look at this racket. Okay. Well, this is good. And it's not just movie stars of your.

It's a present day movie stars like Vin Diesel, a cigar box made of mahogany. Okay. Great. Mahogany. Has he inscribed it with anything or is it? I believe it was a crew gift. Hmm. So it's Fast and Furious branded?

Yes. Next on the list. This is from the Duke. I don't know if you remember John Wayne. That's my impression. Stick them up, partners. Stick them up, partner. I'm here already.

Yeah. Get out of the way. The Duke is here. Yeah. He is. He's right here in front of me. Scott went somewhere. Okay.

Now he's back drinking water. I wondered where Scott went because I thought it was John Wayne. He, through his estate, we got a pair of his motorized boots spurs. What? Motorized boot spurs? Yes. You can just say spurs, by the way, in the description, by the way. Well, what makes these an interesting object to be sure, an interesting item to be sure,

is most spurs are not motorized. Oh, I know. That's why you had to say motorized boots. Yes. Boots spurs because... Wayne said, why can't my... Why do my spurs have to move according to how I move my... Can't they move on a motor?

Right. So he had some Hollywood wizards cook up some motorized boots spurs. An interesting item, such as a Meryl Streep. Are you a fan of Meryl Streep? Interesting items such as Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep's item. You're moving on from the motorized boots spurs so quickly. It's very, very...

It's almost as if you're embarrassed. There's lots of items to catalog. I'm now looking at this catalog there. You took so much time with these first three, and they were so uninteresting that I figured, that's the pace we're going to go at. But no, you were... You expected two normal ones. And then at least by the third one, I mean...

No, no. Three normal ones. All right. Let's run through these. Well, you'll be very excited to know that we have... And we couldn't explore any of these. Feel free to talk about them. Meryl Streep, for auction, she has her a wedding dress caked in slime.

What? Why? From Death Becomes Her or something? Her first wedding, she got married in the Bayou. And so it... Oh, green swamp slime has covered her wedding dress. From tip to tail. So she got married in the middle of a swamp.

Her first wedding? Yes. There's pictures. There's pictures. Meryl Streep, down in the Bayou, it was a people cover story. Cover story. They paid for it, if she agreed to have her wedding in a swamp. This doesn't sound like Meryl Streep.

I mean, any part of it. It was for a role. Wait, this is research. It was method. She was doing it as research. For what role? Swampy Lisa. And in adaptation, she follows Chris Cooper through a swamp, through the Everglades,

which is like a swamp. Okay. I don't remember this movie, but I mean... Would you be interested in an item like this? No. I mean, if it were from a famous movie like Wizard of Oz, like The Ruby Slippers or something, that's the kind of thing that I... Oh, yes.

It's iconic Hollywood lore. I don't even remember. I mean, Meryl Streep's done a ton of movies that I couldn't even list them all, but Swampy Lisa, I don't even remember this one. That was a spec script I wrote for Meryl Streep. Oh, so she never even made it? You're a writer? Well, I'm from the Sotheby's...

That doesn't explain it. Dynasty. Yeah. Well, we take a portion of all the auctions we sold, so... That doesn't explain it either. Well, let's just say we're sitting on many cans that look like trash cans, but are filled with diamonds. But why are you a writer?

All you've mentioned is your job and why you're rich. That was my previous career when I was a writer. Oh. I wrote a spec script called Swampy Lisa. We got funding. Meryl Streep committed to the part. She said, am I ready to be like Swampy Lisa? I'm crying.

I'm crying because I'm going to breathe out what I love. Swampy Lisa. I get it. So this is how you came into possession of this wedding dress? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please stop crying, sir. This is embarrassing for you. It's mortifying.

Well, I know maybe you're disappointed that it's not a piece of like a prop or a costume from a movie, but neither is this item. But I think you might like it. Great. Despite that, Morgan Freeman's levitating deck chair. And it's not from a movie. It's just his, he had a levitating deck chair at home. Yes.

Like levitating in what way is this? Off the ground. But how does it do it? Is it like what kind of, I don't think that things levitate it. Other than those like jet packs on the water, you know, that are, have you seen those? Yes, sort of propulsion system. Yeah, exactly. Well, I asked, I was able to speak with Morgan Freeman.

Oh, okay. And I asked him, how does this work? The levitation. And he went popcorn power, my boy, popcorn power. So I guess there's curls of popcorn that pop inside. Weird guy. Levitate the deck chair. But I have not heard of popcorn power technology at this point, but interesting.

All right. What was that? Popcorn power technology. Oh, you whispered it. I couldn't even. No, I didn't whisper. I was saying, I said it pretty much just at the volume in cadence I've been speaking in. Yeah, so did I.

What? I think you blew out your own eardrums. Did I get louder? I think you did. Yeah, I do. How many more do you have? Well, we can run through them very quickly because they are very amusing. For instance.

How quickly can you do this if you had to really guess? A minute. A minute? All right. Let me put a minute on the clock here. All right. Let me, I'm opening my phone. I'll give you 60 seconds and you're going to edit in real time.

Whichever one's that you, okay. Are we ready? Here we go. Celebrity auction list, Gwen Stefani's autograph poster of Top Gun Maverick, where she forges Tom Cruise's name. Jimmy Carter's apron and chef's hat made of a rare translucent metal. Katie Couric's brigade of water powered tanks. Wayne Gretzky's personal collection of Polaroids with him dressed provocatively as a basketball.

30 seconds. Mariah Carey is auctioning off a box of her own bones she had removed. Author, John Grisham's action figure still in their original boxes. You want your own Darby Shaw and Gray, grab them of your own. Heidi Kluth's handbag has become anthropomorphicized. Five seconds. One more. Uh, Sinead O'Connor's hairbrush.

Never used. Okay, okay, okay. Sinead, I got to ask Cecil. These are all fake things. Yeah. What are you doing? Why are you doing this for attention? That was thicker, Scott.

I wanted to get in here. I told you I was a fan. Okay, Cecil. I do work for Sotheby's though. Okay, you're going to be fired after they do this. Probably, but daddy will rehire me. Okay. All right.

Well, we're coming up on a break. Dan, how are you feeling about following that with one of your new songs? Oh my God. What are we about to hear? I don't know. Suddenly all of my music seems so somber. It's a jarring transition, I realize. My fingers are numb from laughing.

Okay, here we go. All right, this is Dancing on the Moon. The time. Sidewalk seems like a faded memory and a rolling stone. Now they cut me like a knife. If it isn't real, why does it feel like we're living it? Dancing on the moon. Venus and Mars for an audience.

Now we're on our own. Nobody else in the universe. Dancing on the moon. You and me waiting on the world to turn. Turn again. Turn, turn again. Dancing on the moon. You and me waiting on the world to turn again.

All those plans and the infinite demands of every day. Far away, they look so small. Empty sky, but we scream into the silence anyway. For someone to hear the call. If it isn't real, why does it feel like we're living it? Dancing on the moon. Venus and Mars for an audience. Now we're on our own.

Nobody else in the universe. Dancing on the moon. You and me waiting on the world to turn. Turn again. Turn, turn again. Dancing on the moon. You and me waiting on the world to turn again. Turn, turn again.

Dancing on the moon. You and me waiting on the world to turn again. Dancing on the moon. You and me waiting on the world to turn again. Bravo, Dan Wilson, Dancing on the Moon. Alright, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more from Dan Wilson, more from Cecil Sotheby, and also a recent widow

and someone in the lumber industry will be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back with Dan Wilson. He just treated us to his favorite song on his new EP, Dancing on the Moon. Is that track one on the EP? It's not. It's track three. Track three. See, this is, you know, albums

that usually start with the best song, right? Yeah. And then they get worse and worse and worse until then. That's not really how we planned them out. But yes. But you know what I mean? They're always like, we've got to grab someone's attention so put the best one.

Whereas like if you go to a movie, it's usually like kind of slow at the beginning and then gets really good at the end, right? Wow, that's amazing actually. I hadn't really thought of it. In fact, like if I listen to somebody's album, I'm in the car, I start listening, I'm like, this is so great.

It's awesome. Then like four songs in, I get to where I'm going and I turn it off. The next time I get inspired to listen to the same record, I start from the beginning. Start from the beginning, exactly. Drive for 18 minutes. Well, that's why.

I've done the four songs. That's why I think musicians need to time their records out for the average car trip. Totally. You know, which is why. That's what an EP is. This is an EP. And so, yeah, this literally will take as long as any car trip.

From my house to this studio is my EP. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. We also have Cecil Sotheby's here. You're not going to say anything. Oh, yes. You backed away from the microphone. No, yes.

I'm glad to be here, Scott. Thank you. Yeah, I just wanted to include you. Oh, and I love the song. It was beautiful. Thank you. Are you messing with him the same way you were messing with me earlier with all your fake products?

No. My sincerity to you, Scott, wasn't fake. Okay. But your products were fake. No, they weren't real. Wait, I'm confused now. From the twisted mind of Sotheby's. Okay, like Danny DeVito?

That's the brand. That's always been the brand. All right. Well, we need to get to our next guest. She's a recent widow. This is terrible, but we'll talk to her about this. Please welcome Myrtle McGee. Oh, hello.

Hi. I am absolutely delighted to be here, Scott. Oh, good. Well, first of all, my sympathies and my condolences to... No need. No need? No need. No.

I have had 17 husbands. Oh. And I've never been divorced. Oh, so 17 of your husbands have passed away? Yes, they've all passed over the years. Oh, I'm so sorry. And, you know, some people would look at it as tragedy, and I just...

I really live by the old saying, it's better to have made love and lost than never to have made love at all. I don't know that that's the saying, but... Yeah. So, how long were your marriages? They were varying lengths. I mean, you know...

I would hope so. If they were to the day, that would be so strange. And many of them... I lost them in really tragic, tragic ways, but I really... I still look at my life as I've been very, very fortunate to have loved so many people, and not only my husbands,

but I've had a veritable plethora of affairs, you know. Oh, sexual lovers? So I was going to say, like, you've had sex with at least 17 people, but your numbers are actually even more than that. I see many high-profile Hollywood elites as well. In fact, some of the people that Cecil here mentioned from his list...

Oh, from my auction list. Yes, absolutely. You carry crayons? I recognize carry crayons. You know, I... You're an older woman, we should say that. I don't know if we... Anyway, we got that from the voice,

but you have that kind of, like, old woman voice. I'm in my mid-80s. I don't tell anyone the number, but I do. I will admit it's my mid-80s. You don't look a day over mid-40s. Oh, wow. You are a sweet young man. You don't look a day over early-80s, I would say.

I'll take it. I'll take it. Yeah, no. Kerry, you were talking about his boot spurs. And I, you know... John Wayne, but yeah. John Wayne's boot spurs, yes. And...

Kerry Grant's cufflinks. Kerry Grant's... All the same. Oh, yeah, all the same. The careers of these men don't matter to me at all. What matters to me is how they were as lovers. And both of them were excellent lovers. In fact, you know, if...

I'll use a euphemism to say, I put those boots right under my bed. Oh, with the motorized spurs. Oh, yeah. So you... What did they call sluts back in the 40s? Oh, boy. A flusy...

But I'm fine with any name. You know, don't... It doesn't bother me. It's not a slut. It's honestly, it's someone who's just proud to be in your... You're sex-positive. Absolutely. You're the original sex-positive person.

The original. I pioneered sex-positivity. Yes. And if falling in love 17 times means you're a flusy, well, then... Call me. I'm a flusy, too. You're falling in love 17 times?

Yeah. Are you married? I didn't even... This hasn't come up. I mean, I'm not really interested, but are you married? I'm interested. I am currently married. Current?

Why do you say it like that? Currently married. Oh, I'm sorry. Happily married. Okay, yeah. That's different. Yeah. I'm not interested anymore.

All right. So you've been with a lot of men. I've been with many men. And many of them have gone in very tragic ways. Right. 17 of them. 17 of them. But have your boyfriends also died?

Oh, no. But I've just had affairs here and there and around those marriages. Okay. But no, my husbands have all died rather tragically. I would say that. I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, that's okay. Yeah.

Who was the first, if you don't mind asking? Arthur. And Arthur passed. Oh, gosh. Let me think back in my memory. It must have been winter of 68. And it was our first Christmas together. More recent than I thought.

I would have thought, yeah. Yeah. And well, I am old like this. I know, but I thought your first one would have been. Oh, my first was even older than it could have been. Because you're a 28 or so? My memory is, yeah. It is what it is.

Okay. Yeah. It was our first Christmas together. And it was purchasing mistletoe because he thought we could have some fun little smooches under our little archway. And unfortunately, he was crushed under a cast iron stove in the loading dock of a Montgomery Ward. Oh, no.

What was he doing in the loading dock? He was trying to purchase mistletoe. I think he was in the wrong place. I don't think they sell that yet. The loading dock. Not in the loading dock. No. The signing on that one was that they gave me that cast iron stove for free.

Oh, okay. And I still have it. Do you still have it? Yeah. I can make a batch of moist muffins in that cast iron stove. Oh. And it's like the auction now. It's an item with a story.

So somebody comes over. Absolutely. She's the cast iron. What a way to see the bright side of the accessible. I knew we'd get along. Same. Same. Okay.

So that was the first. That was the first. Is that the most gruesome way? I can't imagine being crushed to death by it. Oh, gosh. No. That was the most gruesome. Let's see.

My second has been Remington. He was hunting in the Amazon and he accidentally sucked in on a blow gun. Oh, that's it. You're supposed to blow out. You're supposed to blow out, but it's so tempting because it looks like a giant straw. Exactly. And he just sucked in and he took a poison dart right to the trachea. Oh, no.

That's horrible. Would you die? These details are so terrible. I hope it's okay for you to share these. Oh, no. Again, I have no, you know, I suffered the grief of it at the time and now I just look at it as a blessing to have been loved and loved that person. Yeah.

See, somebody worked through that process. The grief is very inspiring. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What about the third person? The third husband.

I just want to ask questions about each person. The third one was Orland and the. Orland. Orland with a D. He's sort of like Orlando. Sure. Take away the O. If you want to say Orlando, you just take away the O.

Like famous. The final O. The final O, not the first. Like the movie star, Orland. Jun's. Oh. You take out the O's. Got it.

You didn't take out the first one though. Stop. Stop. Please. You have to stop. I really want you to ask yourself, if you're going to butt in to the conversation, I really want you to ask yourself, is this worth it? Butt in.

Okay. Well. Let's see. Orland. Orland. We were skiing in the Swiss Alps and it was nighttime and we thought, you know, it would be really fun is if we just snuck onto the slopes and did a little sledding on our own. Oh, okay.

So we pulled off one of the, you know, around the poles for the. The slaloms? The poles that hold up the chair lifts. That's what it is. And there's usually some sort of padding on it. We took that off and we went sledding. Oh, okay. Using the pads as sleds.

We hit that very same pole. Oh, the padded lifts. Oh, okay. Off of. And so he was in front. That's like the most ironic way that any of your husbands have died. That is a very good point. If you think about it that way, that could, yeah.

That's like a short story by Henry. Oh, yeah. Oh, Henry. I understand. See, that was a good call. Well, okay then. Perk me up. Yeah, Dan's awake suddenly.

What? Well, how did your most recent husband pass away? Because you're a recent widow? Yes, recent. A couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago. Okay. That was in September.

You know, the thing is, is like when you've had 17 husbands, you can't mourn too long. Don't mourn for long. I bear black for a day and I move on. You have so little time left in your life, I would imagine. For sure. Yeah, I'm not going to waste it. Yeah, you're going to waste two years mourning this guy? Absolutely not.

Your 17th husband? How did he die? That was Mitch. And Mitch died. Mitch? He was, you know, it was. This is not Mitch from the Dough Boys, is it? No, not from the Dough Boys.

Well, thank God. But I do love him. Oh, he's really. I'll put in a word for you. You please do. You know, we were in a very competitive game of Chubby Bunny. What was Chubby Bunny? Chubby Bunny is where you try to fit a lot of marshmallows in your mouth at the same

time. Oh, okay. And so he was on a roll. I mean, this is a competing where you would stick one in a lot like the Indiana Jones drinking game. Yep, sure. It's like a hot dog eating contest except you're using marshmallows and you're not swallowing. It's like any competitive eating competition.

But except you don't swallow. The whole point is you want to see how many you can fit in your mouth at once. Right. You want to puff up your cheeks. And so, yeah. Like Marlon Brando and the Gods. Absolutely. Also a wonderful love of America.

Oh, what? I would imagine. Yeah. And so he had, he had 71 in his. 71. Right. And he started really flailing about and we thought he was celebrating because he had just been the world record and that was not what was happening.

Wow. The world record is 70. He joked it. Well, now it's 71. Now it's 71. Because he did do it. He did do it. Well, they don't say it's the world record for having that many marshmallows without

dying. No, absolutely not. It happened. He was alive when he put the 75. I guess he would stick, you know, 72 marshmallows in a corpse's mouth and beat the record. I think the rule is you have to be alive when you put it in. What about, could it be a dog? Is it like airbud rules as well?

Sure. Yeah. I'd love to see it. I'd love to see a dog put 72 in his mouth. Oh, man. But we could say, I mean, Mitch died doing what he loves the most. Oh, and he would be so happy if he knew that that's how he went. I mean, he does know.

Yeah. Do you think we have cognizance after we're dead? Or do you think it's just like a light switch turning off? Yeah. You know, I feel like there was some study done at one point where like someone who was running one of the guillotines back in the day had a friend who was going to get his head cut off. And so he and his friend made an agreement that when his head was cut off, he would keep

blinking as long as he could to see how long and it lasted for a while. Wow. What an interesting study. Back in the days when they had guillotines. I'm curious. You'd have to be really good friends with the person who's doing the study and know that you're about to, you know. What a great thing to have an agreement with your best bud at such a time.

Sure. Just keep blinking. And it was like 10 or 15 seconds. Wow. And you were going to say Cecily and you thought about what you were going to say? Yes. Well, I was wondering for when your 17th husband dies playing Chubby Bunny, is he aware that you've had previous marriages and that they passed?

There's nothing. There's nothing. I mean, you're telling a bunch of strangers right now. I imagine. And I've told about my affairs. Like I said, I'm sex positive and I really just, you know, I want to live my life to the fullest and my husbands have all understood that. And I like getting married because of the fun of the wedding, but you know, they're never

exclusive. Is there pressure in the way they go? Pressure. For the person like, oh. Oh, because so many interesting deaths. Yeah. Oh, is there? Yeah.

That's actually a very good question. Going out with a world record. And it's very possible that that's what he was doing. And he was old. I mean, I'm old, but he was really old. Oh, wow. Do you have your sights on anyone else? I mean, I have to say, you were talking about Vin Diesel earlier.

Yeah. I've always had my sights. I'd love to put his boots under my bed. He's very handsome. He is very strapping and big tall. It's interesting that he's named after the thing that you put into cars. Yes. That's what's the most interesting thing about it.

It is. You know what I mean? And that his first name is on the... The Vin Diesel, but I've never put that on. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. I wonder if his parents did that on purpose. What's his middle name, Driveshaft?

That's a great question. We should call him up and ask him. Hey, Vin. What's your middle name, Driveshaft? Click. So do you think that's achievable? What? With Vin Diesel.

I mean, for him, it's all about family. Oh, is it achievable? Of course, it's achievable. Yeah. I've mounted a lot of wonderful men in my days. Yeah. I have to ask you some things, Scott. Oh, please.

Do you have any refreshments? I am apporched. I have some water in front of you. I have some cookies. Oh, I would love if you have it just a nice tall glass of buttermilk. Buttermilk. Buttermilk. This is one of those old people drinks that I think my grandmother used to drink as well.

I would consider it an old... I just think it's a nice, really refreshing beverage. It's okay. If you don't have buttermilk, I will definitely take just a glass of heavy cream. Heavy cream. Yeah. I don't have either, honestly. What is buttermilk again?

It's like milk that's sour or something? It's pretty sour. That is the taste of it. It's more sour than sweet. Yeah. And quite thick. Quite thick. It's very thick, but boy, does it wet a whistle.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I have neither of these things. That's all right. I'll just keep drinking the water. Yeah. Yeah. We'll see.

Yeah. Yeah. Anything that nibble on? Just these cookies that... I hate to brag, but I made them. New day. Yeah. Yeah.

Homemade. I was hoping for a moist... yeast bun. Okay. I don't even know if this is an old person thing. This is a yeast bun. Yeah. It's just made of yeast and it's a bun.

I've had a yeast bun before. I've seen some. Yeah. It was spicy. Oh. It was too spicy. Okay. It's not normal for a yeast bun.

Someone must have put some hot sauce in it. Wait a minute. My yeast bun wasn't supposed to be spicy. My friend lied to me. My best friend lied to me. Who did you love the most? A lot like Dan's songs here. Like, what was...

Who did you love? Remington. Oh, Remington was your... Remington was my 9th husband. Your second? Oh, he was your ninth. He was my... He was a hunter?

Well, Remington the sick. I married two Remington. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I didn't make that clear. I didn't... I don't even know one Remington. And you married two? I married two.

Yeah. Remington. Wow. And I called him R2. Like after R2-D2? Yeah. That's why. Because he loved Star Wars.

He loved it. Boy, did he love Star Wars. Yeah. How did he die? He died by a ceiling fan. Next one, you mean? I really don't want to get into it. Oh.

That's the one that's still a raw nerve. Yeah, that was a tough one. I only saw the aftermath of it. Oh. It was not a pretty... You witnessed all the other ones? Most of them. Yeah, a lot of them I was there for.

Wow. Yeah. But to see R2-D2 is the one you loved the most died. Right. And the fan was still going. So, as you can imagine, it wasn't pretty. Yeah. The fan got turned off.

Again, Cecil, please. Beheaded. I've asked to not go into this. I'm sorry. Beheaded or...? I can't. Shove it up an orifice? It's just...

Anyway. Okay. Sorry. No, I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring up R2. What year was that? That was in 83. 83?

Yeah. Okay. Interesting. So, Culture Club was on the radio at the time. Yeah. Culture Club, that's what was going on. 1983. 1983, Return of the Jedi would just come out.

Yeah, R2 was in your heart, but also in Jabba's castle. Yeah, in the zeitgeist at the time, you know? Yeah. I don't think he had a castle as much as he had a lair. You think? I hate to pick nits here with the Jabba the Hutt, but it was kind of like an underground cave more than, you know, I view a castle as being a protruding... A little higher up.

Yeah, a little higher. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of like how the Pantages is like the bottom of a big art deco building. What? I'm gonna have to ask. What? I'm gonna have to ask.

That sucked. Why did I say that? Okay. Now you're in your head, I feel like. I feel like I've gotten in your head. You're free to say whatever you want to say. Well, well, Myrtle, this is a terrible story, but you have a great attitude about it. Oh, I died.

You know, life's too short. It's too short. It's too short, although in your case it's been really, really long. And I hope it goes a lot longer. I still feel young and vibrant and virile. Yeah. How old do you want to be? I would love to make it to the 120s.

I know it's not common, but I think I have 40 good years in me. Yeah, definitely. What about the singularity when they upload our consciousnesses into computers? Yeah, I'm not gonna do that one. Oh, you're not doing that? Why not? I'm just terrified. Is the physical part of being alive what you like?

The physical pleasure? The pleasure. Absolutely. You can't make love in only in the brain. It's got to also be in the body. There's like USB ports and stuff. Yeah. I don't think I'd feel it in the same way.

A USB port can make you smell. Can't make you feel the air on your arms. That's right. Well, they don't have arms anymore. That's what I'm saying. Just don't put my consciousness... Talking to the mic. Don't put my consciousness in the singularity, Scott.

That's all. God, you're the worst guest we've seen in a long time. But you're one of the best guests, rather. Yes. Thank you so much. I'm delighted to be. I just wanted to come on and see if I could, you know, mingle and meet some people. And I'm thrilled to be in the room with these strapping young gentlemen.

Well, you consider us to be strapping. That's so nice. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You know, in your own right. Yeah. What does that mean? You know, I just...

I think everyone is very special and I find something good about everyone. And I am wearing my straps. Cecil here wearing these straps. All these straps I'm wearing too. You gave us nice compliments and then you backtracked and said, well, you find good about everyone and you try to find good about every single person you meet. So you were, like, struggling to, like, come up with compliments for us? I mean, if you really want me to come up with a compliment, I could.

But I just thought I'd leave it... You gave us the compliment of strapping. Yeah, I thought I'd leave it in strapping, exactly. And Cecil specifically is wearing a lot of straps. We could do some fun things with those straps. Proud of them. Yeah, it's almost like you're the Hellraiser or something like that. You have so many...

It's like S&M straps. We have Hellraiser's suit coming up on the auction block. Hellraiser's actual suit? Yes. Like what? The one he got married in? In universe. Not what the actor wore.

The one he got married in. The one he married. Merrill Street. He was the lucky groom on that bayou. Interesting, interesting. All right, well, guys, we're coming off on a break. Would that surprise you? No?

All right. Well, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more from Dan. You have a song that you're going to play at the end of the show. This is very exciting. Yes. We're going to have more from Cecil. But also, Merrill, you can stick around, right?

I would absolutely love to. And we have someone in the lumber industry. I've never spoken to anyone in the lumber industry. This is so exciting. It's a lumberjack. Could be. Speaking of strapping. Oh, boy.

All right, strap yourselves in. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, we're back. Dan Wilson, Dancing on the Moon is the EP.

People can buy it, I would imagine. Yeah. They can buy it, but really, they're just going to stream it. You think? Yeah. Yeah, I think if they really loved you, they would buy it. Don't you think? Turns out no.

Turns out no, but I'm not going to be picky. Yeah. I'll take whatever. Whatever streams you have. Look, when you've written a number one single, someone like you, the money doesn't even matter anymore, right? Hmm. It still kind of matters, I bet.

Right? Yeah, you'd still like more. Sure. As much as you make, we still all want more, isn't that right? We also have, Myrtle McGee is here, recent widow. Yes. Were you flipping through dating apps during that? I am.

I've been swiping right. Swiping? You only swipe right. Yes. Strapping. Strapping. Strapping. Strapping.

I'm like, count me in, count me in. I'm not selective because that way I make sure that I get, you know, a lot of lovers. Yeah, fantastic. We also have Cecil Sotheby is here. Scott, did you mean it when you said I was one of the worst guests you've had lately? Yeah, lately. Well, I'm striking lately from that sense. Well, okay.

All right. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get to our next guest. They work in the lumber industry. Very exciting. I don't believe I've ever spoken to anyone and we're going to find out if they're a lumberjack or not.

Please welcome to the show for the first time, Cordwood Pete Bunyan. You called me Cordwood? That is an insult to my size, Scott. I came on here. Oh boy. I'm sorry. I thought that that's the information I have in front of me. My name is Pete Bunyan.

Cordwood is an insult based on my small size. Someone must have written that down. Are you sure that you didn't tell my producer? That's how you wanted to be? I don't call myself Cordwood. I am Pete Bunyan. People call me Cordwood because Cordwood's small. So people do call you Cordwood?

Not to my face or I'll knock their head off. Big your pardon. I don't know why that's written down in front of me. I beg your pardon. I'll just call you Pete if that's okay. That's right, Pete Bunyan. Yeah. Sorry about the whole Cordwood.

I hated everywhere I go. My name arrives before me. Well, yeah, that's usually how it is. I'm sorry. But it's an insult. I'm sorry. I beg your pardon. I feel really, really bad.

But you can see why I would just read what's written in front of me, right? Sure. If you don't have any other sense, you're just going to read what you have. It's the first of five senses, sight. That's right. The very first one you develop. Yeah. I guess so.

Is that true? Sure. You can't tell because you're still inside a womb. Interesting. Well, Pete, I almost called you Cordwood again. Oh my gosh. Please don't. I'm going to cross it out.

I'm going to just cross that out so I don't ever say it again. Pete Bunyan, welcome to the show. Thank you very much, Scott. Is that your real name, Pete Bunyan? Yes. That's my birth name. Oh, it is. Great.

Okay. Because you know there's a famous Paul Bunyan. Oh, here we go. I'm sorry. Is that another insult? That's my big brother, Paul. Oh, okay. Yeah, Paul Bunyan, the famous giant is your brother?

Yeah, he's famous. Oh, well, I mean, I was going to say you're like a six foot four guy. Yeah. And you're calling yourself small? Well, compared to my brother. Oh, I understand. He's enormous. I understand.

I get it now because you're taller than me and you're talking about strapping. Well, you're just a human. Wait, what are you? I'm a folklore creature. Wow. A storybook man. I haven't read any of these stories. Oh, you never found my stories.

You probably read all of Paul's stories, but none of Pete's. I did. He made those giant flapjacks for everyone in the camp. He sure did. You know, I didn't get a one. That's why I'm so small. He ate up all the flapjacks. He ate them?

Yeah, when we were born. That's part of the story you don't read is that he just ended up eating them. They never even mentioned me. It took 20 storks to deliver him the day he was born, but no one talks about the two hummingbirds that brought old Pete. I mean, that's terrible to grow up in the shadow of a famous tree. Literally, I grew up in his shadow. Yeah.

I didn't see the sun until he moved away for college. Oh, what'd you think? It was so bright. The reviews are in. The sun is bright. I'd only seen it from a distance. I thought he was blocking it. Well, I saw, between his legs, you could see a crack of light.

And I thought someday I'm going to be where the sun is. Got it, got it. Wow. Well, so you are a lumberjack in the same tradition as your brother. Yeah, I am a man of the woods, and I am looking for work as a lumberjack. Oh, you are? I think I've got some work for you. Timber.

Number 18. Number 18. Yeah. You know, I wouldn't marry Myrtle, though, unless you want like a log to fall on you. No need to marry. Yeah. We can just have, make a nice love night. Well, that sounds good to me.

I don't mind your age at all. I'm much older. Oh, yeah. You're like hundreds of years old. Yeah. I was born in the 1800s, I think. Yeah. It's hard to remember.

I'm sure I was, too. Oh, my. Well, maybe we were neighbors. There's so few people in the 1800s. Everyone was neighbors. Everyone was nearby. So you're looking for work? Why don't you have work as a lumberjack?

It's my life dream to be a lumberjack. That's my whole family. We're lumbermen. You've never been one up to this point? By the time I get to where my brother had already been, he's already chopped down all the trees. With just like one swing of his mighty axe? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah. Is he still with us? No, he killed himself out in the Pacific Ocean. Jesus Christ. How did he die? Well, this was right before the Great Depression. He sunk all of his money into gold mines because there were no more trees to cut down.

Before the Depression? Yeah. So he never even lived. Is he the Depression? No. He lost all of his money first and he killed himself in the Pacific Ocean. Oh, just by walking into it or? No, I blew his brains out.

Why? How does it first of all? Because he was broke. He was the biggest man in the world and everybody loved him, but now he was flat busted. I understand that. My two questions are why did he walk into the middle of the Pacific Ocean to do this and where did he get a huge gun? Well, he used the same gun.

He used to kill Babe, the blue ox. Oh, no. Babe's dead too? Yeah. Oh, dear. He killed him and sold the heart to get the money that he used to buy the gold mines and then he went bust and he wanted to escape the responsibility and shame of financial bankruptcy. Okay, so why walk in the middle of the ocean to do this?

So it doesn't make a mess. I think he wanted to fall and probably kill Indochina with a tidal wing. He's a violent man. Why do we lionize this guy? I don't know. America loves big macho men. Yeah. Well, with all due respect, this is one person's perspective.

Perhaps one that is colored by feelings about one's brother. We don't know if when Paul Bunyan killed himself if he necessarily wanted to wipe out Indochina, just devil's advocate. Well, that's how it seemed to me. Having grown up with him, that is exactly what I think he would do. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. He often mentioned it.

Well, that's a good part of the case. It sounds like he didn't know it was called Indochina at the time. Yeah. I bet there's a bunch of people over there and I hope they die when I send a wave. Oh my goodness. So he's making a lot of cries for help. Yeah, I guess maybe. No, he's just an asshole.

I don't think he was cries for help. So you guys weren't close? No, he was always so far ahead of me. How did it affect your parents? Oh, my parents, they died early. Yeah, giving birth to Paul, I would say. Well, we're mythological. We don't get born.

We were carried in by birds, storks and hummingbirds in the light. But he left. So you do have parents then? We did. How does that work? Oh, they raise you. Someone's got to make them big flapjacks. Good point.

Yeah, and then when he left to go, he had chopped up all the wood in Maine where we were from. And then he traveled across the Great Lakes region. And then my parents died of being lonely. Oh, man. That's a terrible story. But they were together, right? They were together. How was that?

Not enough for them, though. It's just that Paul was gone. They liked him best. Oh, man. You know, when you were the parents of a celebrity and then the celebrity dies, they sort of, I believe they wished it was me. He didn't die. He just left.

Yeah. Did you know the Johnny Appleseed? Yes, I did. I know Johnny Appleseed. Oh, is he still with us? Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think he planted all the apples. Oh, and that's why we don't have any more apples.

I thought I had one the other day. Yeah, but those are old apples. Oh, got it. Got it. Got it. Yeah. Notice how you had to go to a doctor's appointment later that day. They've lost their power.

Oh, yeah. I also know his brother, Ronnie Applecore. They have different last names. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Why? Why do they have different names?

Yeah, why do they have different last names? Well, they serve different purposes. It's a story thing. Oh, it's a mythological. It has something to do with being part of American folklore. Yeah. That's got to be fun, right? You, John Henry?

Not for me. John Henry. He was an impressive man. Yeah. He's my one black friend. I tell you. You don't want to know what I'd do with his boots. Oh, really?

John Henry, boy. Oh. Hitting that railroad spike with one mighty swing. What about Casey at the bat? You know him? No, I don't know Casey at the bat. I don't have much time for baseball. Oh, OK.

What do you do? I do lumberjack sports, timber sports. Oh, OK. Even though you've never worked as a lumberjack. Yeah. That's right. I can't get work as it, but I can do entertainment. I see.

So you can do log rolling. Well, I don't really do it. I try watching. I announce and I'm sort of the mascot for the show. So you do play by play? A little bit. I'm more of a color commentator because I don't know the technical terms. Having never worked in the words.

Got it. And you're the mascot? You say you're like gritty? Sort of the mascot, everybody. They put signs up. Cordwood Pete, Paul Bunyan's little brother. They put a sign that this is Cordwood, even though you've asked them not to call you. Absolutely.

And everybody comes and asks me questions. Tell me about what it's like to live with Paul Bunyan as your brother. And I don't want to. I knock their hats off their heads. Oh, I've been asking you a lot of questions about living with Paul Bunyan as your brother. You're not going to knock my hat off my head, are you? I'm going to let you get them all out and knock your hat off once. OK.

I'm going to wait until you're leaving and you put your hat back on and knock it right off your head. That makes more sense. Wow. Well, Cordwood. Oh, I mean... Oh, God dang it. Put the hat on.

All right. Here you go. Slap. Ow! Ow! Pete, this is a terrible story. Do you think anyone's hiring out there? I can't find a one.

I walked all the way to Puget Sand. I didn't find one good tree to chop down. That's why I walked south from there. And here I am. And you're not like Paul, where you could do that in like three steps. No, I walked pretty much straight. And how long did it take you? Until, let's see, he got their...

Don't just give me the end date. I like the full amount of time is what I'm looking for. I got to Puget Sand around the year 2000. OK, but when did you start? 1800s. OK. Wow. Even for six foot four, you were walking pretty slow at that point.

You know, I have to ride my tiny donkey. Oh. You have to? Yeah, well, he's my friend. He doesn't serve a purpose. I have a tiny yellow donkey named Tamarack. How tiny? Meaning like...

He's about a foot tall. Oh, so that's small even for... That is... Yeah, donkeys. Yeah, he's real tall. I mean, you're a lot of weight for a donkey, that says. Yeah, he does carry a lot of weight. He gets tired fast, but he insists that I ride him.

Gotta take a lot of breaks. He insists. He insists. Yes, he does. What does he say? He can't talk. He's just cute as can be until you ask him to do work and then he frowns and falls asleep. Sounds like he doesn't want you to ride him.

I think he does. All right, let's agree to disagree. Well, this is terrible, but a call out to the lumber industry. If you're out there and you need... And you're looking for anyone to chop down trees. Have you ever chopped down an actual tree? Well, I don't know if it'd be called a tree or maybe more of a post. You chopped down a post?

I did. I have chopped down fences that I come across. But you come across? Yeah, because I'm walking across the country. Isn't anybody paying attention to me? I walk through the wilderness and I fight... Why don't you go around? Because the world should be open for everyone.

I'm against private land ownership and I think everything should be free. Are you... You're not a nimby, are you? What's a nimby? Not in my backyard. Oh, thank goodness. I was thinking of Nambla. Oh, please don't say that.

Not that. Please don't think of it. Don't even think of Nambla. I'll reverse think of it. Cast it out of your mind at this point. I'm going to think about Old Man. Oh, okay. I don't know if that solves the problem, but who are you thinking about right now?

Joe Biden. Two of them. Make an error. Okay. Well, look, I mean, Pete, I... You're learning. He's learning. I like it.

I didn't say cord wood. I said cord. Yes. Then corrected myself. That's all right. Yeah. Sometimes I wear corduroy pants. Yeah.

Good. I'm happy for you. It's cold in the woods. Are those warming to you? If you move fast enough. Oh, okay. Yeah, because they create friction. How could they ever find a tailor who can make pants to fit somebody who's six, four?

Again, Cecil, I'm going to have to beg of you not to interrupt the show anymore if that's the best you can do. Well, look, Cecil, we're running out of time. Are you sad? Well, I love you too. Oh, no, I didn't say that. We are running out of time here. We only have time for one final feature on the show.

That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Oh, that was CBB Raimi Mix by Rupert Holden, I believe, is how that's spelled, or Puppet. Puppet Holden. I think it's Rupert, though. Thanks so much to Rupert Holden for that wonderful remix. All right. What are we plugging? Obviously, Dan Wilson, Dancing on the Moon, available to stream now or to buy.

It peaks in the middle, apparently, with track three. I don't want to discontinue the brave souls who continue on to the end. The perfect amount, if you're taking a drive from Silver Lake to... It's the length of an errand. Yeah. It's the length of an average errand. No, then you can listen to it again. On the way back.

Okay, good. Where I'm from, Minneapolis, it's two errands long, in a sense. Two errands long. So you get halfway through Dancing on the Moon, and you're where you need to go. Okay. And then you drive back, having heard the second half of the EP. Right. Because things are not as far away.

And are you tailoring this for different states across this great nation of ours? I love the idea of promising that it'll be exactly the length of your errand, whatever it happens to be. Whatever you need to do, I'll make an album the exact length you need. You are not going to be sitting out in the car having to turn it off in the middle of the last song. No, it's going to... The minute you park, it's going to end.

I could have used a 200-year-long one to get across the country. That would have been great. A 200-year-long song? Could you even record that? I guess you... If it were electronic, you could just like... I mean, you could cut and paste sections and make it really long. So yeah, you can do it.

Man, you got to do that. Yeah, just make a few... A couple hours worth, and then just repeat it. Yeah, yeah, cut and paste. Oh, that would be amazing. 200 years long. But he might have gotten bored of... Once he realized it was literally just a lot of repetition.

It was just one minute, repeating over and over again. I only listen to fiddles and squeeze boxes, so I'm easy to impress. You know that we have more modern music out there now. No, I live in the woods. I haven't paid any attention to it. Okay, great. Cecil, what do you want to plug here? Oh, uh...

I'm Paul. What? I'm Paul Rust. What? You're Paul Rust? Yes, and I am promoting... Wait a minute. I'm going to get a good look at you.

Turn around. Cha-cha-cha. Paul? Hello. My friend Paul Rust. I was in the shadows the whole time, Scott. You didn't realize... Why are you pretending to be the Cecil guy?

We're Cecil. Sorry, guys. I did it to amuse you. We're so disappointed. Oh. Well, I'm here to plug... We loved Cecil. He's gone.

Never to return. Damn. We love him. I made sexual relations with your great-grandfather Terrence, and I wanted to talk about it after the podcast ended. Oh my gosh. He was a legend in his own time. The Sotheby's great-great-great-grandfather.

I know you're just Paul. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I guess Cecil's sort of a story but creature too. Yeah, he's entered some sort of mystical afterlife. Yeah. Okay, great. Well, I mean, you can plug something if you want to plug something. Perhaps I will.

Scott, I am a part of a podcast called With Gorely and Rust, and that's with Matt Gorely, and we discuss horror movies, and I'm also part of another podcast called Song a Week, and I do that with Michael Cassidy, and we're in a band called Don't Stop Roll Die. We do new songs a week. Oh boy, and aren't you on a Fox television show as well? Yes. The third season just started. September 25th, the Great North on Fox Sunday nights.

Hey, check it out. It's a really, it's a very special, funny show. That's Nick Offerman, and Will Forte, and... Jenny Sight. Yeah, and your fifth build? Or eighth build? What number are you on the call sheet? Do you mind me asking?

I'm much like a mutant duck. I'm seventh build. All right. What? You put me in a corner and I haven't get out. So, Paul, you're not that much different from Cecil, I'm seeing. I did make the choice in the beginning that Cecil was going to be more subdued. I saw you make that choice at the very beginning.

It was very... It didn't stick. Nope, didn't stick. All right, Myrtle McGee, what are you plugging? You know, I will say, I've been helping reopen a theater in Los Angeles, California called the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Oh, are you the one that painted it that bright color? I sure did.

Oh, wonderful. Yeah, I went out there at night naked and I painted it up with my whole body. Oh, great. Yeah, it was such interesting shapes. Yeah, I thought it would be fun new take on things. Yeah. So, let's see. Well, it's October 3rd, so we just opened and I hope it went off without a hitch.

Great. Congratulations on the opening. Come on down, you've got shows. Shows are going to be planned. Okay. Peep Onion, what do you want to plug? Burning books. What?

And then reprinting them on more paper to drive up the demand for wood and paper. And maybe there'll be more lumber work for me. Oh. Also, there's a guy I like. His name's Charlie McCracken. I like his name because it sounds like an axe hitting wood. Huh. Yeah.

And also, he's got a Twitter, The Crackin' at The Crackin' and that sounds like it's not a lot of lumber stuff, but you can check that out. Sounds like Clash of the Titans though, in a way, yeah. Yeah, release The Crackin' and all of that stuff. And you can also watch AP Bio on Peacock. Oh, yeah. About every other episode. Oh, great.

All right. Well, I just want to plug. First of all, we talked about it last week, the Comedy Bang Bang book. You can pre-order it now. An incredible artifact. If you're a fan of the show, you're going to want it. Head over to CBBworld.com slash book for all the links, including autographed editions. You can hear the archives and ad-free episodes of this show.

We also have things like the Anti-Daily Podcast Project. We have my movie show, Scott Hasn't Seen, where we're in the middle now of October Shocking Tobor Frightening Fest, where we're watching scary movies. Paul, you should do the show at some point. Oh, perhaps I will. Okay. And this week, we're watching Old, M. Night Shyamalan's Old. So we'll be seeing that on Friday.

We just watched Hocus Pocus with the writer of Hocus Pocus 2, Gendi Angelo, last week. And yeah, so we also have three of them over there, and CBB presents this book, Change My Life. So much more if you subscribe for a year, you get two months free, and that is a pretty good deal. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. It's time to start to close it, but don't close it. You open up the plug bag. We're opening up that plug bag. And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world.

I'm talking open up the plug bag. I'm opening up the plug bag. You open up the plug bag as high as you can, then you open up your heart. Open up the plug bag. Open up the plug bag. Open up the plug bag. All right, that was where the plugs have no bag, remixed by actually Simpson. Thank you so much.

And guys, I want to thank you so much. Paul Rust, you pulled one over on us, but hey, I still love you, buddy. I love you too, buddy. It's so good to have you on. And Myrtle McGee, wonderful to meet you. So good to meet you. Good luck finding number 18. I'm on it.

Maybe this one, maybe you'll die before this one does. Oh, I don't think so. I'm going to live forever. You think? Yeah. Can we just decide to do that? Well, I said 120. That's still good.

40 years. 40 years in a world will be done by. Halfway through my lovers. Yeah. Oh, you're only halfway. Only halfway. I'm hoping that the lumberjack here is going to. Oh, yeah.

I mean, he is 6'4". Literally strapping. Literally strapping. Pete Bunyan, a.k.a. Cordwood. You look surprised that I called you that. Well, I thought we were done. Here we go.

I'm back. Yeah, you're back. I want to thank you for being on the show. Well, thank you for having me. And I hope I get a job from it. And if I do, I'll give you 10%. Wow. You know, most of my guests.

Honestly, Dan, I'd like 10% of the EP sales. Got it. Done. You know, now I think about it. Only fair. I should be getting paid when I have people on the show. Dan, Wilson, wonderful to have you on. Good luck with the career.

So happy to have you back. And are you ready to do another song? Yeah. Okay. Great. I don't have to twist your arm or anything, right? No, I'm happy to do songs. Yeah, great.

Wonderful. What I'm good at. Which one do you want to do here? I think, I think it's, I don't know. I think it's appropriate to do closing time. Oh yeah. We're closing the show. Okay.

What a treat. I think so. All right. This is Dan Wilson with closing time. One of his most famous songs. Here we go. Let you out into the world. Closing time.

Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl. Closing time. One last call for alcohol. So finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. I know I want to take me home. I know I want to take me home.

I know I want to take me home. Take me home. Closing time. Time for you to go out to the places you will be from. Closing time. This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come. So gather up your jackets. Move it to the exits.

I hope you have found a friend. Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Yeah. I know I want to take me home. I know I want to take me home. I know I want to take me home. Take me home.

Closing time. Time for you to go out to the places you will be from. Closing time. Time for you to go out to the places you will be from. I know I want to take me home. I know I want to take me home. I know I want to take me home. Take me home.

I know I want to take me home. Take me home. Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Yeah. That's very nice. Gorgeous. That's it.

That's it. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.