Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - David Wain, Katie Rich, Hannah Pilkes

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Director/actor/writer David Wain joins Scott once again to talk about his Fruit Loops sponsorship, being in a Freaky Friday situation, and submitting himself to the Guinness Book of World Records. Then, Scott’s mom’s friend Leia stops by to talk about what’s going on back home. Plus, Scott’s neighbor Susan Christmas drops by to talk about how Paris has changed her.

["Comedy Bang Bang"] Wash your ass before feet, you'll be smelling sweet. Wash your feet before ass, you'll be shitting out grass. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Eh-huh. All right, thank you to Gout Girl. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about that, Gout Girl. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

We're in the ninth hundo, episode 800, and I wanna say three maybe. Welcome, we have a great show. Coming up a little later, we have a friend of my mom's is gonna be here, that's interesting. We also have a neighbor. Huh, okay, wow, the booking department is really, really gone downhill since we moved to my home studio. But yeah, that'll be coming.

And then before we get to them, by the way, my name is Scott Ackerman. Before we get to them, we have another neighbor here, a neighbor of mine who happened to fill in at the last minute when our main guest of honor bailed last minute. And I hesitate to say I called you up because it was really a mere text. But I know this guy, I can always count on him. He gets back to me right away and he's so passionate about comedy and art

and the arts in general. I mean, I would include drama within that, although I can't say that he's trafficked necessarily in the dramatic arts as much as he is known for his comedy. But he is a director, he is an actor, he is a producer, he is a writer. He's all of these things and yet a great human being as well. That's right. Wayne Scotting is back. It's my neighbor, David Wayne.

Hey, Scott, I'm here and this is just amazing. It is amazing. For you, that I'm here. Yes, it is. I know I can count on you, David. You know, you said I'm a writer, a director, an actor, a producer. All of those things are true. But what I think of myself is as a communicator. I see. A storyteller. I love to tell. I love stories and I love telling them.

And I don't think that it's emasculating when people call me a storyteller. Like, I'm, you know, in a library. Those are the old molds. I feel like I've heard of elementary school teachers who are men. Then it's there. We are there. We have got doctors. They're still men, right? Yes, of course. But they have many assistants and some of them are women now.

Incredible. It is such a beautiful time. It's such a wonderful time of change in a time where we're all like reexamining things and saying, like, oh, where do I fit in into this new paradigm? And and and tomorrow, things will be different. They're even different from yesterday, but it's just so exciting. Isn't it? I don't know that are things different from you? Oh, yeah, they are different from yesterday. I now remember what happened yesterday and they are different.

Yeah. I mean, you probably had something different to eat, didn't you? Hell, yes. What did you have yesterday? What did you have today? Yes, yesterday I had ar repas. Oh, and today I had ar repas. Oh, OK, so it was it was feminine yesterday and masculine today. That's what I'd like, just like the elementary school teacher. That's right.

And that is what we're trying to say here is we're not here to thrust our fists against the posts and say that, hey, we we want everything to be the way it used to be. We're embracing change, aren't we, David? Was the guest of honor that didn't come, Tom Cruise? Yeah, that is such a bummer. I am not a good one of the best. One of the best actors to be named after a car feature cruise. I mean, his original name is Tom Cruise control.

Yeah, but the studio, it's like, we need something snappier. Yeah, exactly. It's like, but Tom Cruise control. He's like, hey, watch me and just like relax. You don't have to worry about, you know, stepping on the gas or anything. I'll do all that for you. That it would be just the racing movies, which it's great with. I mean, let's let's run them down. The racing movies, you have Days of Thunder, Days of Thunder.

The need we even go on. I don't think we need to. The list could stop at Days of Thunder. It could stop right there and be like, this guy's name is obviously Cruise control. He doesn't need to do another racing movie for me to know that Days of Thunder is the one that I can think of. Exactly. Are you do you view your work up there in the pantheon of, you know, the top guns,

the well, I think what back to the futures. The most popular movies ever made. To me, I would put myself more in, you know, there's Hitchcock, there's Spielberg, there's Godard, there's Renoir. There's Chavoux, there's Juan Du. No, but seriously. Oh, wait, those were jokes. Not really jokes, but just it's basically.

You're being silly, I guess, is if they're not jokes necessarily. Can you break down comedy for me? Because all right, you're you're one of the masters. And I would love to hear the process behind what you want to have a seat. And I'll. OK, yeah, I'm sorry. I've been standing at attention this entire time. Have a seat and I can explain. I mean, first of all, let's let's just break it down.

It's an interesting what is comedy? What is comedy? I don't know that I've ever been able to figure it out. So I would love to hear. Oh, no, I wasn't asking you. Comedy is thought. Think about it this way. If someone has a thought, I'm going to go to a store and I'm going to buy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

That's a weird thing to buy at a store, right to say. I mean, a restaurant that still is kind of weird, but I get it. And that's comedy, my friend. Oh, OK. I walked you down that garden path just enough to slam the wooden door in your face. Have you ever gone to a store and bought separately peanut butter and then jelly and then bread

and then made the sandwich right there in the aisles and then brought it up to the front and said, OK, charge me for this. Well, sometimes what I often do and you know this is I'll go and I will scoop out a little peanut butter onto two fingers from the jar. Not three like Ron DeSentimonious with his pudding. Forget it. No, I'm more on the left wing. Yeah. OK, you're a two finger guy and then on the left hand.

The other two fingers of the same hand. So I'll use my index finger and my ring finger and my my pointer finger. Yes. So the the finger and the pointer to to get the peanut butter and then the jelly I'll scoop out with my pinky finger and my ring finger. I see. And then I have the two. You are wearing so many rings right now. I have to say when you call it a ring finger.

And by the way, that's the thumb you're pointing to. Yeah, you have it. It looks to be like you have five Super Bowl rings on there. Well, I so it's a technicality because I only participated in four Super Bowls. Right. But then my buddy, Lyle Alzato, gave me his his ring. Oh, OK. In what way is that a technicality and not just a gift?

Well, it's just that people see and they're like, oh, my God, five Super Bowls. I'm like, no, thank you. But no, it's four. I loved your participation in the four, though. Yeah. Well, you know, the NFL, that's honestly, I think of it as a whole nother life. Like that's a different person in a way. Yeah. The national football.

I can't I don't remember all the ins and outs and right. You know, it's been a few years. The alphabet soup is sort of in my past. So I can't tell you everything that it NFL GBTQ. It's like, what? Come on. Too many initials these days. It's like, hey, I liked it when it was just J.R.R. Tolkien's or H.R.R.

Puffin stuff or Martin or whatever the Game of Thrones guy is. Did H.R. Puffin stuff write Game of Thrones? So I was yes, I'm in the store and I have the a little pile of peanut butter on one set of two fingers. And then right next to it, I have a pile of jelly on the other two fingers. And then I grab some bread out of the of a bag of bread.

Yeah. And I bring all of that. There's a bread and bags. Yeah. Which in strange. It's like, hey, what if we put this in a can? And how come we never say bigger than a bread bag? Yeah. Or why don't we ever say smaller than a bottle of Tabasco sauce? These are the kind of things that I don't know why Congress is bullshitting around with Ukraine.

I don't know. I, you know, sometimes those guys and I sometimes, and here's my opinion, David. And I don't know whether you would this is probably too harsh and you would you want to back off from this. But I'll say it on Mike, sometimes I feel like the circus went to Washington and they let the clowns out and they all stayed behind. And the rest of the circus, like, picked up stakes and moved on to other other cities, other states, other territories.

But the clowns all just like stayed there and they just started running. Washington. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You know. I have an I have a I either agree with you or disagree with you, but I'm not going to say it on a hot mic. But if you cooled off the mic, I would tell you. Yeah, I'll put it in the freezer for a little bit. All right. And when we come back, we'll see.

Is the mic cool now? OK, yeah, let's take a break. We're going to come back with a cooler mic. We'll be right back with more David Wayne and we're back. And we've frozen the microphone. Is it still operational? I oh, I don't know. Oh, OK. No, yes. OK, yes. OK, great.

So it's a very cold mic right now. I wanted to tell you then that I agree that the circus went to Washington. You agree just up to there? Well, that that's the part that I was afraid to agree. Because it's historically accurate. Like you could there are playbills. There are probably articles articles written in the Washington Post about like, hey, circus in town.

Like that might have been front page news back in like 1913. It's like, what I know, I know it's in the Washington Post. But it still feels touchy to me. And I don't I'm not into it. I'm not into saying it on a hot mic. Yeah, you know, that's all it is. But I think what part of what you're getting to about Congress. And I I hate to say this, but I kind of feel like a lot of the work they do is to feed their own fat cats in Washington agenda.

And then it's like the pork barrel goes back to their districts and it's not about the people's needs. Huh, that's an interesting take. Yeah. OK, I can I mean, I definitely see where you're coming from on that. I guess I I'm trying to wrap my mind around it as I'm thinking about it. And yeah, I mean, it's pretty smart take before the break, though. I was telling you about what I do when I go to the store. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Finish your story because, you know, I to be honest, I kind of thought it was done because it has a beginning, a middle and an end. No, it did not get to the end. I'm sorry. I know something that there's a thing in that I do this. I know as a filmmaker and I know a lot of the audience may not know this because they're not professional. Some of it's something called a false ending. That's right. So this is like, you know, the credits suddenly come up and they're like,

oh, no, no, no, no. Captain America still is going to say like, oh, here I am, you know, after the credits. You this is a post credit scene with peanut butter and jelly in most movies after the credits come up, then after the credits, Captain America comes up and says, go who I am. Yeah. All right. Well, you know, here's my point about the Marvel movies is they make you sit through 10 minutes of credits. Just put those scenes in the movie. Right.

You know, like, let me leave. The scenes about who the gaffer was. And I don't want to know these things. It feels like a Hollywood secret. I'm not, you know, I'm like barely in showbiz. Do I need to know who this guy is? And also get the fuck out of here. There's so many people work on those movies.

I think it might be easier to list the people that did not work on the movies. I'd like to be in those credits, but I am not working in movies. But in all seriousness, just in case anyone's maybe listening from the Marvel group, that's obviously not true. I do think it would even, even with the numbers of people that work in movies, it would take longer to list the people that do not work on the movies. Although you could there's there are steps you could take. You could like just have a website that had all those names

and then just list the website. Boy, wouldn't that be nice? You know, you know, how about let's take this into the 21st century. A QR code. Sure. If it would be like this was Robert Downey Jr. And if you want to know anything else, here's the QR code. Yeah, anything. If you want to see the movie, here's the QR code.

Yeah, wait, we're almost there, aren't we? But because with phones getting smaller and then suddenly they get there, now they're getting bigger. Right. And then then I had smaller and it's like now they're bigger. But then movie screens are getting smaller. But then I went to and I'm actually the other I'm like, movie screens are getting bigger. It's like, guys, make everything one size.

And what's the deal with everyone wants their hair to grow long? And then at one point it was like, oh, let's cut it as short as we can. I want everybody wants to be like Divo, you know? Yeah. Now everyone's like, oh, I want to be like Jim Morrison. It's just it's like guys pick one and then we can like, oh, my God. Do you hear that? Oh, my God. Is that the ghost of Jim Morrison? Is that the government because of what we said about the clowns in Washington?

Oh, you know what? Actually, that could be the government. I know the government is often listening and you might not believe it. It's not the conspiracy theory, but the government is often listening. And usually if you say something that they don't like, they'll just put a big rumble near you. Yeah. Before we get back to your story, do you believe in UFOs? You know, it's interesting that you ask that because, I mean, like, let's break it down. UFO. You. You. Unidentified.

Hey, you. Yeah, you. And then it's like flying, unidentified, flying, I believe. It's like, OK, I already like, yeah, I've not identified things in the world. I'm constantly looking at things going like, what the fuck is that? And no one is around to tell me. So it's like, yeah, I get it. There are unidentified things, but then put flying in there. It's like, but if you're at a different level.

Didn't our Kelly already say it, I believe I can fly. So that's already obviated. Yes, it's already like we've done that. And then object, it's it's objective. So exactly. They should call them UFSs, you know, like you have an identified flying subjective because it's like we can't agree, can we? Or UFD, unidentified flying duty.

Anyway, so I don't like it's not that kind of show. I was saying before the break, I've told you that many, many times. So I have a pile of peanut butter on one set of fingers. I have jelly on the other set of fingers. I go up to the cashier and I have the bread that I took out of the bread. We're in the 12 items or less line. Isn't it always the way you're in the 12 items or less line? You look down at the person's cart in front of you.

And it's like you're counting and you're like, is that that can't be 12 items. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12. OK, I should stop there. Right. 13, 14. What? Get the fuck out of here. Oh, is two cans of juice? Two cans, you know, birds. Hey, where's two cans?

Same when you need them. Yeah. And then you look down and there he is. Fruit loops right in the cart. Don't get me started on fruit. That's actually that I know we're joking around. But that does hit a little. Yeah. Well, it's not. You're not supposed to call people crazy anymore or say, that's insane.

No, but it's not that it's not fruit loops. It's just that I actually had a sponsor deal with Fruit Loops in it. You were sponsored by Fruit Loops? Well, it went really bad. It went really sour. I noticed you're you're wearing like almost like a racing jacket and it has symbols on it that you've crossed out and like put a marking pen all over. Is that fruit loops underneath there?

Fruit loops was going to do a sort of a life sponsorship thing with me. Life for life. And it's basically like I had to wear head to toe, fruit loops gear. And then head to toe. Yeah. And then they but they were going to, you know, pay me for the, you know, a $20 a month stipend for the rest of my life. I mean, that's not bad. When times get lean, you can rely on that 20.

And we had, so we had talked about it in the paperwork with lawyers, went back and forth for probably about 15 months. Oh my God. And it was these lawyers these days. Well, I have the time I think they're serving the lawyers, but they're the ones are getting paid out here. Yeah. And so I ended up spending about 300,000 in legal fees.

No. So far. So far. Oh, it is still ongoing. Well, no, the deal went bust. But I'm still now working out the paperwork just to nullify the deal yourself and get myself out of it. And so I still have to wear the clothes. Just you're still. Oh, OK. But this is your workaround is I'm going to cross off your logos.

Yeah, I'm going to wear it, but I'm going to have some dignity, dude. I mean, this has just been brutal. You're also wearing a very large beak, like a two cans beak. Yeah, I have to do that, too. I mean, just until it's completely nullified, just to be safe, it's just been brutal, man. This is terrible. How long has this been going on? I got to say, if anyone's getting in the business with the Froot Loops people,

like, run the other way, man. Yeah. I mean, the actual cereal company. Oh, the cereal is fucking great. And that's why I got in business with them in the first place. Like, I love. I didn't think they really do a good job. Really good. Like you eat Froot Loops and you're like, oh, my God, this tastes just like fruit. No, they just they do a good.

They just do a good job. They just do a good job with it. It's like there are so many products out there that you go like, yeah. Oh, really? That's what this is. The three musketeers. Oh, I'm biting into this and it's not three people. It's chocolate. It's like, right. Come on. But sometimes, you know, they do a good job with it, but they're just not good people. And that's what I learned.

And it was really sad and it really sucks. And I really don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry. So I get to the cashier when I have my peanut butter and the bread. And I give it to the cashier and I say, here's I need a sandwich. Can you make the sandwich for me? Can you? And you. And meanwhile, you have the peanut butter on your fingers and the jelly on your other fingers.

And I say, can you, yeah, can you like slide it off my fingers and put it on the sandwich? Sort of like a credit card going through a machine or something like that. Yeah. And then cut it in half for me. And they say, you can't, you can't like take peanut butter out of a jar that hasn't. Was it the jar that you were buying or was it? No, no, no, I just took it out of the jar and left the jar on the shelf. Yeah. And they say, A, you can't do that.

And B, we don't make sandwiches for you. This is just a store. But she did have a knife and was able to cut it if no. If A and B were to be able to be. Well, yeah, she has a knife just on, you know, on the necklace, obviously. Right. And so what I did, what I say is, I know you're not, it's not normal, but what's it worth to you? You know, and then everyone has their price. Everyone has their price.

And that's what I find out is my money talks. Yeah. And bullshit, you know what it does. Bullshit walks. That's right. So anyway, I slipped two bucks to this woman. And then next thing you know, she's doing my thing with the sandwich. Yeah. And then that's, that's, I forget what this question was. Did you end up reporting her to her bosses?

No, I reported her to the AFO. What is the AFO? Because we talked about UFOs recently on the show. I think it was a couple of weeks ago, maybe, or it was a recent episode. We were talking about UFOs and how they, you know, they're flying and they, you know, maybe they shouldn't be called UFOs and maybe they should be called UFSs or something. It was a recent episode.

It's the American Fortnite organization. Oh, OK. And they, how often do they meet? They meet every fortnight. Oh, OK. And a fortnight is two weeks. Is that right? Ish. It's an oversimplification and it's not, it's not worth getting into. Right. But if you, it's easiest just to say yes.

Is it at this point, it's like, if someone says, hey, can we meet in a fortnight? Just wait by the phone. Yeah. It's like, I just, whenever they call, then go meet them. But I mean, people are like, oh, for nice two weeks. I'm like, you know what? We don't forescore, you know, that our honest Abe is a nickname for one of our presidents. I believe he was the 15th or 16th Abraham Lincoln.

Sure. A guy who ruined big tall hats for anyone else. Right. Because he had, he wore a stovepipe hat. First of all, he's got just the chin beard. And he's like, hey, everyone, look at me. And then enough people were like, I don't care that he's like, puts a giant hat on top too. It's like, come on, bro, needy much, you know.

Well, I think, though, that he understood something that it took centuries for everyone else to catch up on, which is branding. That's true, because you, honest Abe, you look at him and it's like, he tried to get known for his honesty. You know, he's like, oh, yeah, I chopped down the cherry tree and I cannot tell a lie and all that bullshit. And then it wasn't sticking. People are like, no, that's George Washington.

And nowadays we think about the cherry tree and we're like, oh, George Washington, it was actually Abe. So we tried to get known for that. And just, and he's like, I got to do something with the image. Let me ask you something. Yeah, if you see an old man sitting on a couch, shirt off, watching TV in the dark, chips, crumbs all over him. Right. And he's watching TV and he's just got stringy hair. Is this in my house?

You'd be like, I don't know who that is. Right. But you would recognize him if he's in the whole suit and he's got a white beard and it's Colonel Sanders, you know, and he's got the whole thing. True. So that's the point. He would maybe have to have like a bucket of chicken and have like one piece of chicken out. And I would kind of put it together from there.

But that is just an object lesson in branding that I share with all my students. Yeah. Where are you teaching these days, by the way, because that is something I wanted to talk to you about at the TFL. What is the TFL again? That is the Tennessee Fountain School. Oh, the Fountain School. Yeah. And it was called TFS for a while, right? But they changed it to TFL.

Yeah, because there's another TFS. Oh, what was that TFS? That's the Tennessee Fountain School. It was a lot of confusion. Yeah. So the Tennessee Fountain School is TFL. OK, got it. Yeah.

Woo, woo. Some good stuff. Really good stuff. Really good stuff. So did this happen to you, this peanut butter thing, recently? Or is this just one of those apocryphal stories that? No, no, no, I do this, I don't know, once, once or twice a day. Once or twice a day. Yeah, because this is what I mean, it's a good meal.

By the way, when are we going to start doing recording the podcast? I'm going to press record in a second. OK, cool. Yeah. David, it's great to have you on the show here. And you're obviously not here to promote anything because you have nothing going on, right? I'm here to promote it, telling a story and why it's so great.

You know, right. And also to tell you that John Wick, chapter four, is a ballet of visual choreography that I loved. Now, hold on, hold on, because this is the first true thing I've said. This this is this is an action movie. It's not a ballet. This is a movie with guns in it and with killing and stuff like that. So it's not a ballet.

So I'm very confused by what you're saying. It's like a ballet because of how beautiful with like how beautifully it's choreographed and how cool it is. And how what they do with the ballet is normally have someone really cool in them. And that's yeah, like, think about it, the fonts. That's true. One of our best ballerinas was in the Nutcracker. If you remember the original, you ever go up and you see that bronze fonts there in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Well, they have the bronze fonts at the steps of the library in Philadelphia. Because it's like, you know, Sylvester Stallone and Henry Winkler, who are great Italian-American actors. Yeah. Yeah. If they just swapped those statues, what do you notice? Oh, my God, it would be like Freaky Friday all over again. Have you ever been in a Freaky Friday situation? I've been in one of those things.

Yeah, where I did wake up one day and I was my dad and my dad's body. But it was it was, you know, it's nothing happened. Did they make those movies and it's nothing like that? You know, what was it like for you? Because it's like the movies are very exciting. They're they're it's always funny. It's like, oh, we got to get back into dancing on the piano in the store. So like, it's, believe me, real life is a lot less interesting.

Is it just boring or it's it's not that it's boring. It's just that it's, I guess the word is it's it's like it's fortuitous, maybe, or it's it's ponderous. Oh, OK. It can be exhausting. Right. How long were you stuck there? Probably about nine, 10 seconds. It's usually what it is. So I didn't have time to, like, try stuff out and, like, you know, see what.

Yeah. Oh, what's this body like? Well, my mom doesn't recognize me. It's my husband. Right. Yeah. That's that's all the movies. You know, right. So it's just nine seconds. Yeah. And then suddenly you were back in your own body. Yeah, I didn't even it was right.

It was I was waking up and I didn't even open my eyes. Were you did you switch locations as well? So yeah, I was I was in I was in my father's bed in his body with my mom, OK, for nine seconds and then came right back. I don't know if that's technically a Freaky Friday situation, because to me, Freaky Friday situation is you wake up in your own location and you are your father and your father wakes up in his own location. And he's you.

I don't know. This sounds more like a mental swap, like a transference of consciousness to me. I think you're dead wrong about that. Or maybe you're right. It's what you're one of the two. I'm one of the two, definitely. Or is there a third? Oh, oh, there's a parent trap situation.

Maybe you were in one of those. Well, you know, sometimes it's like, is it win or lose? But maybe the only real way to win is not to play the game. OK, think about it. Shit, I'm against nuclear war, by the way, really. I feel like like when you when you say that, what do you mean by that? Because there are so many different types of nuclear war. It's like, OK.

Well, I don't want I'm against nuclear winter. OK. And I think that there should be a freeze on any nuclear bombings. OK, you know, because, for example, if if the Russians nuked us, yeah, then we would just nuke them right back, I guess. I mean, I haven't really thought about it that way. And so I'm again, I've come out against nuclear war and I'm also against cancer.

OK, are those linked somehow or are those two separate thoughts? Well, it's just that these are sort of stands that I've decided to take in. You've become an activist a little late in life. Well, I didn't want to say late in life. I don't mean you're dying soon. No, God forbid. I just mean that, you know, look, maybe at some point the singularity happens, we all transfer our consciousnesses into computers and we live, you know, long, long lives.

But as far as I'm concerned, you're over the hump. And you're probably have less time in front of you than you have behind you. Scott, I know you're joking and I know you're, you know, you're trying to be funny. It's your podcast and you have every right to do that. But I got to say, you mentioned the singularity. AI, something people are really talking about a lot these days. I thought it was Al. Oh, no, you read too many newspapers and don't listen to enough radio.

Oh, yeah, AI. It's AI. OK, yeah, because the L type written does look like an I sometimes. And I can understand that. But you would chat GPT guy. Yeah, I'm I'm one of the workers. Are you writing a script right now? Oh, you do the L. I thought it was all I thought it was all computer generated.

And that was the whole part that was the whole point. Obviously. Oh, that's a joke, obviously. Oh, there's a bunch of us. It's mostly like writing teams. It's comedy writers who aren't doing something that day or that moment. And then we just, you know, I've been too busy. I haven't gotten the call, but I haven't been as busy. So like it's like a dollar for 20 minutes of writing out.

That's pretty good. That's almost 2K and Sam money. It's a lot of work, though, because you have to Google very fast and then type very fast. This is a lot like if you're a phone of friend for who wants to be a millionaire. Have you ever you ever done that where it's like they call you up and they go, OK, 30 seconds on the clock and then they read the question to you. You don't have time to Google it, you know, right?

Not much before you have to blurt out an answer, you know, or that app that they have where you do a trivia contest and how fast can you. Yeah, for the question. It's like the on who wants to be a millionaire, the fattest finger competition. Where it's like. What about those competitions where it's like who's who's the fattest man? I always lose those. That's I think you're thinking of the Guinness Book of World Records.

Yes, exactly. Right. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, you I know it's that's one of my favorite days when the new Guinness Book of World Records gets delivered and I look, I read it cover to cover. I'm like, I'm in here, am I in here? I'm always hoping world's fattest man. Well, I submit myself every year for it. Yeah. And every year they're like they always type back a very.

They're very nice. They're not like the free loops people. And it's a it's a handwritten letter from them signed and it says not even close. Try again next year and you submit yourself in every category. Is that right? Well, I do a lot. I do the mouth with all the cigarettes and, you know, the tallest building. How many cigarettes were you able to fit into your mouth?

Well, this year I was able to do like 14 cigarettes. I mean, you know, cigarettes go. Once again, I got that very nice letter, but it said not even close. Yeah. Wow. So. But, you know, I hope to see you in there someday. Yeah. And I think you'll get there. Do you know what I think you'll get there for most Grammys? I hope so.

Because right now I'm, let me count, I'm at zero right now. And I do believe John, who has the most is like Jay-Z or John or Beyonce just tied someone right for most Grammys. Well, I mean, if you're talking about a word show, I don't know if you know what happened with Will Smith. And I heard about something called the slap heard around the world. Does that have anything to do with him? Pre-cisely.

Cisely. Wow. Setting it up. Well, actually, what I will tell you, because people probably do know about the slap, but at the Super Bowl, Janet Jackson was doing a dance routine. And this was this was I think it was this year or last year. Was it televised or was it she just showed up and started doing a dance routine? Out comes her tit. And her flappy jab.

What was the euphemistic explanation? A wardrobe malfunction. Oh, OK. OK, you know, sure. Let's put a little human error in there as well, because as I recall, I do remember seeing this. Justin Timberlake may have triggered some of this. Somebody needs to get into this and now. And I wouldn't mind seeing a meme.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing a meme, too. I haven't seen one today. Have you seen any? I'm not seeing any. I've looked a lot. I've really tried. I went on to the Internet and I was like, find me any meme. And I struck out. What did you talk to Siri?

Just show me one meme. I asked Siri. I asked Alexa. I asked chat GPT. I asked Google. I asked Bing. I asked Alta Vista. And none. It just came up short of everywhere, really. I wrote M E M E, which is how you spell meme. Yeah. In the search box. And it said no results.

Are you sure you didn't just write M E and then a space and then me. So like me. It could have been because that's that's part of my vocal warmup before I do this show. Can you share your, you know, that's sometimes that's the behind the scenes shit. Sure. Yeah. I'd love to give you a peek behind the curtain. So basically before we start the show, approximately 10 seconds before I press record, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. And is that the Jones vocal warmup?

Yes. Jones. Yes. Yeah. You know, Jones. I find that because, you know, as everyone knows, I was saying a big song and dance number in the recent Bob's Burgers movie. Oh, right. You know, that's so funny because I have friends who worked on that and got invited to the premiere. I didn't go. What do you think about a friend like that? You know, I think we're in Hollywood.

I know you're you have a lot of famous friends, Scott, partially due to this podcast, partially due to just, you know, the way just the way that my my style of French, the way you carry giving it is not transactional in the least. And so, you know, the last time I saw you. Oh, that's right. The last time you did a show. No. No, actually, we were at a premiere the other night. Yes. And we were at Bob Odenkirk's premiere of his. Oh, yeah. And would it surprise the audience to learn?

Did David sit behind me? No. Did he sit in front of me? No. He sat next to me. You were adjacent. Is that safe to say? I did sit. I think about the irony and the fucked up coincidence. I said, a J sent to you at the show called Lucky Hank. That's right. The letter sound. Hey. Hey, Jay. It's insane. Hey, hi, Jay.

That's so crazy. Do you think that's ever happened? I don't think so. And by the way, these were not assigned seats. No, you chose to sit next to me. I did. Well, I don't know that I. They were maybe the only two seats available. But I think I would. I'm glad I sat next to you and I really enjoyed it. I really did. And I enjoyed the experience of sitting next to a buddy watching a different friend. Right.

It was kind of like, where am I that I'm next to a friend? But then there's a different friend over on this big screen. Point being, I'm friends with Bob Odenkirk. That's that's where you're getting with. Yeah. Well, David, it's great to have you on the show. I know you're not here to promote anything, but we're going to have to take a break. Can you stick around? Is that possible? I would love to stick around.

And I'm just glad we covered what I needed to cover. Good, good, good. We have a friend of my mom's coming up and we also have a neighbor. Terrific. This is good. Maybe another neighbor. Another neighbor might live nearby you. All right, we're going to take this break. When we come back, we'll have more David Wayne. More Comedy Bang Bang will be right back after this.

Comedy Bang Bang David Wayne is here. David, you were talking about a sandwich earlier that you tried to make in the store. And then suddenly you've ordered a sandwich and it's about to come to the door. So whenever it comes, you're going to this. This is what you told me. This these are your words. You're going to go get it and then you're going to eat on Mike. Is that what you were saying to me?

I don't know who this Mike is that you're talking about. But yes, I guess I will. That's you know what I do. I come to Comedy Bang Bang and I do what we do here. I'm not this is not the David Wayne show. No, that'll be another time, another place. No, and are you working on the David Wayne show? Well, I do have my podcast actually debuts in a week.

Really? Which podcast is this? It's called VLAV. VLAVLAVLA. And is there a stage direction that says laughing? Yeah, it's called VLAVLAVLA. And then in parentheses, laughing. OK, interesting. God, I got to hear this. And it's just it's basically my take on neonatal diseases.

Oh, OK, well, that's all right. Well, it sounded really fun. I don't know if the title matches the subject matter, but I mean, this is your thing. That is the David Wayne show. That's that's that's coming up in a week. Right now, you're on Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, and your CBBT.

We're doing it. And it's it's just such a blast. It's a rush. It is a premium rush. I heard that we have a couple of guests that I'm just so excited to. Let's get to one. Yeah. How do you say? Yeah. She's a friend of my mom's. Please welcome for the first time on the show, Leela.

Hey, here's some rib tips. Your mom wanted me to bring them. Oh, thank you so much. And I do want some, David, I'm sorry. Well, you're really good. I know, don't they? Yeah. But I don't eat pork. Oh, I don't either.

Isn't that funny? These are the swine, huh? Yeah. Oh, these are vegan. These are vegan. Oh, OK. You can have some of these that you could eat them. By the way, no, it's because I love pigs, not because I don't like pigs. Wait, you you you would eat pork if you didn't. If you didn't like, I would.

I would kill and eat something if I didn't like it. OK, but you love it like I don't like chickens. I don't like cows. And that's why you eat them. That's why you don't. OK, interesting. Yeah. Wow. OK. Well, thank you so much for the rib tip. When when did you see my mom last?

Last week. Oh, great. How do you know her? I don't know that she's ever talked about you. Well, we used to work together. Oh, where? At the travel agency. Oh, OK. Her travel agency.

Yeah, which obviously RIP. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so I wanted to come by. I just wanted to let you know there's so much going on. Oh, back home with my with my mom. Oh, your mom's fine. What's going on? Why are you so obsessed with your mom?

She's fine. Oh, I'm sorry. They're meaning there's stuff going on back home with you. Oh, no, just in general. Just in general. Like, have you been there? No, I mean, I have to confess, I don't get back there very much. OK, well, you know, the chilies? Yeah. I mean, did it used to used to be a Fridays, right?

It used to be a Fridays. Yeah. And now it's a chilies. Now it's a chilies. Now it's a crematorium. Crematorium. Can you believe it? It's so interesting that nowadays in America, there are more people dying than eating at restaurants. Yeah, I know. So they had more of a need for a crematorium

than a chilies. That's so crazy. Isn't that crazy? A lot of people dying in that in that town or you know, the quarries there and such. Yeah, well, the chilies will give you a heart disease. And that's and that's what I say. That's why I made vegan ripped tips. By the way, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You made these because you said my mom wanted. Well, your mom wanted me to make them for you. Oh, you can rip up their vegan. Well, you could come to Janet Jackson, the paging Justin Timberlake. By the way, David, I wanted to tell you, I saw a meme today. Oh, oh, where'd you see one? On the computer.

Oh, I guess that makes sense. It was on the computer and it was, listen to this. It was the Flintstones. Remember Flintstones? That's good. Say no more. OK, so you're already your laugh. Pebbles, bam, bam, the rest. I'm sold.

Already you're laughing. Standing around a Christmas tree. It says, what are they celebrating? Oh, interesting. And it seems like it's the wrong month to be to be circulating this meme. But what do I know? I'm just happy to see it.

I'm feeling like the answer. It's Christmas. Yeah, that's what I said. And then you said it to the computer. I said it to the computer. And then the computer was like Christmas is a holiday that is celebrated on December 20th. Oh, OK. Anyway.

And then do you remember Christine from high school? Oh, no, then no. Oh, you remember she went to high school with you. She was blonde. There were a lot of blondes. She had the blonde, blonde hair, though. How blonde? Blonde.

Oh, no, yeah, I remember. You know what I mean? OK, so remember, so she got adult braces. Really? Yeah, she got adult braces. Because she had the straightest teeth I'd ever seen. That's what I'm saying. And anyway, so I think it's because she's getting a divorce.

Oh, that can happen. Yeah, so that's what's going on. You start just grinding your teeth. Yeah, bruxism. Yeah, so that's what's going on with her. Yeah, the UK, right? Oh, you don't tell me about it. OK, that's what I'm saying.

Are they still doing bruxet? I think they're like halfway through. And they're all like, do we need to do the other half? Or, David, what are you doing down there? Does she want to have a drink with me, Christine? Or is it too fresh? No, I think it's too fresh. She didn't bring it up.

Does she know David was going to be here? No, I didn't talk to her. I'm saying, I heard all this from your mom. Oh, OK, yeah. And then you remember your CCD teacher, Mrs. Caraway. So she is doing OK. She finally sold her house. Oh, I didn't know it was on the market.

I mean, I haven't been back there in so long. Yeah, well, she finally sold her house, which was hard to do because she did have a sunken living room. Oh, on purpose? Or? Well, she was on a sinkhole. Oh, God, it's yeah. You don't remember this?

I mean, I remember the sinkhole. I didn't know that anyone built a house on it. Yeah, so her living room fell into the sinkhole. And so then she had trouble selling it. Oh, I hope everyone was OK. Was her husband? Because I remember her husband more than her, really. Well, listen to this.

So her husband, he bought a shotgun. OK, I'm listening. And he put it up in the living room. Oh, like as a piece of art? As like a piece of art, right? And then he and then. It always confuses me because a burglar breaks in. First thing he's going to steal is that shotgun.

Is that shotgun? Well, listen to this. That's what happened. What? Yeah, they got robbed. The guy came in and he stole the shotgun. And this is poor planning. Can you believe that?

So that's well, I guess you did know that story. I mean, yeah, I guess. David, you own a shotgun? I do not own a shotgun, but I have an AR-15. Oh, good. Well, that's your right. It is my right, goddammit. And what does AR stand for?

It stands for AR, the Second Amendment. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. That's neat. And I think this year we're talking about getting an AR-16. Oh, wow. Yeah. Those can drive.

Yeah. That's right. And then, do you know, remember Frank? He used to work at the deli. Which, what did he do at the deli? He was Mr. Cacciatore. Yes, Mr. Cacciatore. He was the chopper.

You know this guy, David? No, I'm just guessing. Oh, oh, OK. That is crazy. It was Mr. It was Frank Cacciatore. I guess Frank Cacciatore is a pretty common name. Oh, yeah, it's pretty common.

It's pretty common. Every city has a Frank Cacciatore that works at the deli. Yeah, but anyway, so he ended up getting, you were talking about Gout earlier. Yeah. So he ended up getting Gout. OK. And ended up finding a cure for it.

You found a cure for Gout? Yeah. What is the cure? This is amazing. She said he ended up getting out. Yeah. And it was just, it was positive thinking. And that's how he got, that's how he gout out of it.

OK. Well, good for him. Yeah, so that was cool. And then, Sarah, oh, I wanted to tell you, Sarah, the one of the, remember the girl, the brunette? This is all from my mom. This is info from your mom. Your mom wanted me to, you don't know.

She could just call me and tell me this. She says you never pick up. Yeah. So here I am. OK. All right. Anyway, so Sarah, Sarah, who? You remember Sarah, the brunette?

Would it kill you to pick up the phone once in a while, by the way? Thank you. Also, that's a funny tagline for something. Oh my, yeah, you're right. Would it kill you? Like one of your movies, maybe. Maybe that's funny.

It's like role models, too. Would it kill you to pick up the phone once in a while? Or like, you know, Johnny's Beef Buffet, would it kill you to pick up the phone once in a while? 1,800. Yeah, because I'm eating. Super Bowl 55. Would it kill you to pick up the phone once in a while?

War drop malfunction. That's a good point. So anyway, yeah, so the brunette, you remember her? I don't really, from where would I know her from? From high school. She was in high school with me, or she? No, she's in high school. She's in high school right now.

Then how would I know her? This is from your hometown. I don't, I have no idea. But tell me about her. What's going on? She won the spelling bee. In high school? Yeah, she won the high school spelling bee.

OK, so this was a high school spelling. It wasn't like all ages. No, spelling bees are never all ages. Why would you have an all ages spelling bee? That's not fair. The older you are, the more you forget. The older you are, the more words you forget. I disagree.

I know quite a few words. I can tell you, as someone who's older than all of you, you do forget a lot of stuff. Is that true? Yeah, I don't know who you are. I just might. This is Lila. Right, now I remember.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. OK. A decent point right here, David Wayne, he used to have a mind like a steel trap. Yeah. I would call him up and I would be like, hey, David, what's 2 divided by 2? You call David, you don't call your mom.

OK, I feel like this is, speaking of traps, this feels like a trap. Speaking of traps. Yeah. OK, do you remember that place in the woods that was all bear traps? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you remember that? Bear trap cove. Bear trap cove, isn't that funny? They got rid of it. They got rid of the bear traps or the actual land? Oh, yeah, they, they, they paved it over. I heard about that. They paved it over and they put up a parking lot.

They put up a, so people are parking in bear trap cove? It's such an in-game place for a parking lot. Isn't that crazy? In the middle of the woods? No problem. Next to a, next to a body of water? Yes, isn't that crazy? Oh.

Which I guess is what a cove is? Yeah. God, wow, that's incredible. And these are things you would know if you were more in contact with your family. You know, I kind of turned my back on that town. You know, there's a, there's another town that means a lot more to me these days

and that is a little town called Hollywood. Lady Hollywood, she is a cruel mistress sometimes, but I love her and I can't turn my back on her. Oh, speaking of mistress, Yeah. Do you, do you remember Frank Catchatory's brother? Is his last name Catchatory too? No, he took his wife's name.

He took his wife's name. Why would he do something like that? Because he's progressive. Oh, okay, what? Oh, is that his name? Progressive? Yeah, he's progressive, so he's Frank progressive. Oh, God.

And anyway, he's cheating on his wife. Get this. He takes her name and he cheats on her? Yeah, he's cheating on her and the girl's name is Gina Geico. Wait, her name is Gina Geico. Gina Geico. He's cheating with Gina Geico. So he's cheating on progressive with Geico.

Yeah, and he married into this family of the progressive insurance and he could have had such a great dowry. And he screwed up by cheating like a slap in the face to his wife. Like that's intentional. Well, speaking of, he did. He used to slap his wife.

Oh, what happened? What changed? She wears a mask. Like a Halloween mask? Yeah, she puts on a little mask. Oh, okay, what type of mask? A Halloween mask, you were right. When I say Halloween mask, they can be anything.

Or do you mean the movie Halloween? The movie Halloween. Oh, I see. So it's Michael Myers. That's the kind of Halloween mask that would protect you from getting slapped by your husband. I'm not going to put out a Richard Nissan, you know.

Richard Nissan? Richard Nissan, you know the. The car maker, yeah. Everyone talks about Ford versus Ferrari. It's like, hey, what about Richard Nissan? What about Joe Kea? Well, you know, these days, everyone wants you to wear. What about Joe Azuzu?

Remember him? I'd like to see that movie. What were you going to say, David, about these days? These days, everyone wants you to wear a mask when it's not Halloween because of social distancing. That's a good point. It's like, hey, what is everyday Halloween? Yeah.

And then, you know, Paul Reiser, not the one from Mad About You, but the one that used to work at the school. Yeah. Why is school related? He worked at the school. Well, we have the school. I remember it. The school's a big thing.

The school is the main industry where I grew up. I did not grow up with Scott or go to the school, but I just remember that guy. Do you remember the school? Yeah. I remember the school. Okay. Anyway, he has short COVID.

Oh, wait. So how short was it? He had it for about as long as you were your dad. So about nine seconds. About nine seconds, he had it. And then he got over it. And then it's gone. So he couldn't smell or anything like that?

He couldn't smell, couldn't taste. He couldn't breathe. I'm glad that only lasted nine seconds. He had a really sore throat. Oh, okay. But then boom, it was over. Boom. So he had short COVID.

Just bounced back. Wow. But he's doing okay. He's doing okay now. Yeah, he's doing good. Your mom lost weight. Oh, how much? She lost like five pounds.

And I says... That could just be the scale. No, I knew there was... No. When I... Last time I saw your mom, I knew there was something looking... Wait. When did you see my mom, dude?

I saw her probably, I don't know, an hour ago. Wait a second. I mean, we didn't do it on the show for 45 minutes. But I did a quick FaceTime on my way here because she was asking, are you doing the show? And I wanted to just make sure that she knew. It's so weird. Okay. I believe you though.

I mean, you have no reason to lie. No, I don't. No, you don't. Yeah. Why would you? But again, these are things you would know if you were just a little bit more in touch. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

These are things... Yes. Usually when I call my mom, it's just about whoever has died recently. Oh my God. Speak. I didn't even tell you this. What happened? My husband died.

When? Yeah. Can you believe it? Yeah. Yes. I'm so very sorry. It's fine. I mean, it was a long time coming.

But yeah, it was... How long ago? And how long did you... It was about a month ago. Okay. So the funeral is coming up. Approximately 30 days, 31. Somewhere in that range?

Well, it was February. So it was 28. Oh, it was 28 days ago. Yeah. So it was 28. Yeah. I can never get that straight. Is that fun?

Like one of the months has 28 days and the other ones are longer. But here's my point. Here's my point. It's like some days, some months have 30, some have 31. Like the ones that are 31. Take those days off. Give them to February. February is really lacking in days.

Yeah. I know. And so a lot of times it's like, hey, do you want to go on a date? And I'm like, not February. Not enough days. Yeah. It's like, I need time to plan this thing. Yeah.

One of your rings fell off. Yeah. It looks like that. Was that Super Bowl V? The one that you did not participate in? The one Lyle Alzado gave you? Yeah. Yeah.

He was a bad guy. Well, you know, every... People should not judge them their worst day, I gotta say. And he had... Like everyone, he was complicated. Yes. Sure. A lot of bad things about Lyle, but a lot of people don't know.

Every year on Halloween, he would go down to the docks and feed the chickens. Yep. Those duck chickens. Wow. I mean, that humanizes him to me. It was so sweet. And he would gather up newspapers. Some of those duck chickens.

Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of mental decline due to steroids, do you remember... Buddy Richards? Buddy Richards. That was the guy who, anytime I would see him, I would imitate Sammy Davis Jr. saying Buddy Rich. I would go, Buddy Rich!

Herds. I do that with my other friend, whose last name is Rich. Yeah. Anytime I think of her, I go, Buddy Rich in my head because of the way that Sammy Davis Jr. said it on one song. But also it's your friend. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Your buddy. Yeah. My buddy, Buddy Rich. Inplants. Yeah. Really, to make him bigger, I guess. That's the only... I mean, he didn't get de-planted.

So... But they're implants. Like, remember the Reebok pump? Yeah. So, if they go in... If bigger is in style, he can pump them. Oh, but then they deflate in case people are like, you know what, this guy... This is out of style.

Yeah. I thought that was kind of neat. It is kind of neat. Does it have a button the same way that the Reebok pump did? Yeah, a little pump. Just a little pump. Yeah. If I'm going out dancing, I'll hit the gym and I will pump and then I print.

Okay. So, you work out and then you... And then I shower up and, you know, wash up and, you know... And this is if you're going to hit the disco at night? Yeah. If I put on a new shirt maybe and hit the disco, yeah. Yeah. Huh.

Oh, speaking of hitting the disco... Yeah. What's going on? Do you remember that cat? Uh... You're going to have to be more specific. Disco the cat? Oh, disco the cat.

Yeah. Hit by a car. How's disco doing? So much tragedy. How is disco doing? Yeah. Like... It's a small business.

He's dead. Yeah. I'm sorry. He was hit by a car. Cats get hit by cars and they turn out okay. It's not the stupidest question. Oh, my goodness. Disco's over.

Disco's dead, baby. Speaking of, I think my sandwich is here. Oh, is it really? I think I'm going to go... Is that a true thing? I've heard that. Okay. I don't see, but yeah.

I'm going to go see if I can find... Don't check it out. There's going to be like a little suspense and see... Okay. So... We don't... By the way, we don't know what kind of sandwich. I think we have a number set up to...

No, if the sandwich is here, we don't know what type of sandwich it is. This is exciting podcasting. This is kind of fun. This is pretty good. So, David, just for the listener, David is exiting the studio. Do you hear that? Did you... Foley.

Yeah. We have a Foley guy here. We have a big sandbox here and some big shoes and coconuts. That's really neat. Yeah. No, it's incredible. And David's going to come back. He's either going to have a sandwich or not have a sandwich and we're going to find

out if he does have that sandwich, what type of sandwich it is. This is exciting stuff. There might be a side. There might be a pop. What do you think? What kind of side would he have? Some sort of potato sandwich? Some sort of green.

Hey, it looks like it's here and it's in a brown bag that does not have any kind of branding on it. So, we can't quite tell what type of sandwich it is, but there is a big long receipt. It's almost as long as those CVS receipts. Oh, speaking of CVS. Oh, what's up? So, remember there was the CVS there? Oh, there.

Yeah. Remember there was the CVS down Main and Street? Oh, yeah. Main and Street. Yeah. Main and Street and Street Street? Yeah. Okay.

There was that CVS there? Sure. Yeah. I remember. Guess what? It's not there. Boxing Gym. Boxing Gym.

There's a guy named Jim. He stands outside it and he will fight anyone. Has anyone taken him up on this or? Thousands. Thousands of people. I mean, our town is not that big. It's helped tourism. Really?

So, people are just traveling from miles around just to fight the guy? Yeah. And does he won any of these fights? He wins all of them. Boxing Gym. So, why is anyone still doing this? Pride. Yeah.

When you say he wins the fight, does he knock them out or what are the rules of this fight? Yeah. Is it TKO? It's when you say, uncle. Oh, you have to say uncle. Oh, okay. So, he's gotten a thousand uncles. Sort of.

It sounds like an Italian family. Am I right? I hope Fred catch Dory is listening to this. I hope he hears this. Yeah. He would love that. What kind of sandwich have we got, Dave? We've got turkey with lettuce, tomato, mayo and mustard on a roll.

That's an interesting combination. Classic. Well, it's a classic, I think. Yeah. It's classic in the way that, you know, Turner classic movies, maybe. Or John Wick. John Wick chapter four, yeah. Yeah.

Which I was thinking about this, David. I don't know if you would agree with me on this. I saw John Wick chapter four the other day. I saw the day it came out and I was like, this is like a ballet. In a way. Oh my God. That is so funny that you say that. Yeah.

I felt that way about Pocahontas. The cartoon or the woman? Both. You felt it. You felt the woman was like a ballet. Yeah. As much as the movie was. I felt like she was like a ballet.

Interesting. Interesting. And that she was young and a little too young. A lot of ballets are young. A lot of ballets are younger and, you know, a little too thin. And skinny. And skinny. And they smoke.

She smoked a lot and she was, you know, adapted by a white guy. She was adapted. Yeah. By a white guy. Yeah. Whoever wrote the Pocahontas movie. Yeah. Exactly.

I don't usually get super personal on this podcast. They hit us though. This is what it's all about. See, this is what's great about Comedy Bang Bang is the level of comfort allows David to get a little bit more personal. But anyone who knows me in real life knows me that I've dated my fair share almost exclusively professional ballet dancers. That's right.

And your fair share, by the way, is not too fair because I haven't gotten my share. You've taken my share. I know. At least some for the rest of it. I don't leave them. I keep, I take them by the truckload and I make them all very happy. Yeah. Let me tell you.

You're like Ebenezer Scrooge is what it comes to ballerinas. Anyway, I have nothing further to say about that. Yeah. He's comfortable though, because he did take his shorts off to eat. He did. What? And those were short shorts, by the way. Very short.

I mean, nothing to the imagination. It was like that commercial, we love short shorts. We love short shorts. We like the Nair commercial or whatever. I remember that. And by the way, your legs are just completely smooth. They're so shiny. It is Nair.

It's a combination of Nair and Rogaine. Oh, okay. So you're trying to... Oh, you're trying to grow more hair. So you have something to get rid of? Mm-hmm. Oh, speaking of something to get rid of. Yeah.

All the garbage guys went on strike. No. Does everything smell? It smells like terrible. Ah. It smells like terrible. This isn't terrible smell. How long have they been on strike?

Since my husband died. So a month? That's too long. It's too long. That's why we're still at the moment. Did they go on strike because your husband died? That was a part of it. I think that was...

In what way was that? They were on a precipice. Well, you know... So wait, was it like a waiting for lefty type of situation? Where a lefty at the end is like, strike, strike, strike. And everyone joins him. I have not finished that movie. And now I guess I don't have to.

Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert for waiting for lefty. Yes. Play from the 1930s. About unionizing. Hey, if you haven't seen it, it's new to you. Sure. That's right.

That's another tagline you got to use in one of your movies. Yeah. Like John Wick 4. If you haven't seen it yet, it's new to you. Now you have a mayonnaise based salad. Is that too much mayo in one meal? I would say probably yes. This looks like a potato salad.

I did not order this. Does it taste like one? I'll let you know. We don't know if it does. Okay, the fork is going right into the mouth. That is a classic technique when it comes to eating. mayonnaise based salad. I think other people who are familiar with this podcast might think that it's a bit,

but no, I really am eating. Oh, no, no. We're not doing bits when it comes to potato salad. Oh, yeah. Speaking of method. Yeah. Have you seen Successions? The television show?

No. What are you talking about? The Successions family. Oh, the Successions. What's going on with it? You haven't seen them? No, not since I moved. They started a cleaning company that's rivaling Method.

Oh, Method Cleaners. Yes. Oh, good, good, good for them. I mean, there's enough cleaning, I would imagine, you know, with all the suits that people are getting buried in at the crematorium. Well, and all the garbage. Yeah. Constantly having to clean garbage off themselves.

You really should come home more, though. I, you know, I kind of left that town for a reason. Yeah. And we all know what that reason is. Why? What have people heard? It's not what we've heard. It's what we saw. Okay.

Look, Leila, I love catching up with you. Yeah. But we're going to have to take a break. Can you stick around, though? Because... Yeah, my flight's not for another three hours. Can I please ask just a quick question? Yeah.

How is it that we keep cleaning and then we never run out of dirt over all these centuries? That's a good point. It's like... Because it's not created or destroyed. All right. Okay, that's a good tagline for something. That created or destroyed. Yeah.

On week four. All right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we have a neighbor of mine is going to be here. Oh, I'm excited about her. Yeah. We have... We'll be right back with more Leila.

More David Wayne. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. Comedy bang bang. We're back. David Wayne is... He's got maybe, I would say, two, perhaps three bites left on this sandwich. You know him as the director of movies like Wet Hot American Summer. It surprised you to know that I was sent the script to Wet Hot American Summer recently

in book form so that it was for the comedy bang bang book so that I could compare the trim size. There is a book version of the Wet Hot American Summer screenplay and that is what I'm here to promote today. I forgot. Oh, you are. Okay. Good.

It came out a few years ago. Nobody bought it and I think they should. Yeah. There's one right in that cupboard right behind you. We also have Leila is here, a friend of my mom's and great to have her, but we have to get to our next guest. What? I'm excited.

This is a neighbor of mine, apparently. I haven't met everyone that I live next to, so I'm excited to talk to this person. Please welcome Susan Christmas. Hi, Scott. Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you. This is David.

Where can I put my white Russian in top? It's a hot white Russian? I'll hold it. Oh, thank you. You got it. Great. Thank you. Why are you able to hold that?

Oh, yeah. Is it too hot? You can put it down. It's very hot, but I got scabs. That must be... Don't follow questions. Yeah. Yeah.

Hi, Susan. Christmas. Great to meet you. Where exactly do you live? You know right where I live. I see you looking at me with prying eyes all the time. I don't know that I look at you with prying eyes. You're definitely in the neighborhood, though.

Oh. Right across the street. Oh. I've heard Scott talk about you. Yeah? Yeah. David, come on. Sure.

You're right across the street. Well, it's very nice to meet you. I don't know. Maybe I looked your way because I'm just looking around the neighborhood. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable or anything. Oh, no. No problem. I just...

I took note. Oh. I took note. Okay. I saw the eyes and they were prying. Hey, my eyes are up here, so I'm glad you were looking at them. That's a good one, too, for a movie. John Wick.

John Wick, my eyes are up here. Fantastic. I think that's not a bad one. That's actually a pretty good title for a movie. John Wick, my eyes are up here. Well, Susan, it's great to meet you. Let's learn a little bit more about you, where... How long have you lived in the neighborhood?

I've lived in the neighborhood about 30 years. Oh, okay. Wow, that's... You didn't know? Well, I just moved here. Well, he knows. He knows. He's seen me intimately and that's okay.

I don't believe I have. I don't know what exactly you're talking about. What do you think I was wearing last night? At night? Nothing. Oh. I was wearing nothing. Okay.

That's what I wear in the shower. I like to dry out after showers and I don't have window dressings of any kind. Wow. Yeah. I mean, yes. I have been meaning to kind of let you know that me and some of the neighbors I've met in the area have been talking and wondering why you don't have window treatments. Yeah.

That's my prerogative. Hey, it's the way you want to live. As Brittany says. Yeah. You know Bobby Brown? You know Bobby? Bobby Brown? Tankino?

No. Brittany Tankino? Brittany Tankino. Yeah, she runs the guitar center. This is from my hometown. Oh, sorry. She wouldn't know. She wouldn't know.

That was cooled down substantially. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my God. It's like. Thank you. Yeah. Do you ever wear just like a silk robe before you disrobe?

I like to wear velour. I like to wear. I have questions. This is David. Oh, it's no problem. In fact, I encourage that. You need to put some pants on, sir. Put your shorts back.

Your sandwich. You finished your sandwich. Can you put your shorts back on? Yeah, I should because I'm feeling like this conversation with the neighbors is turning me on. Oh, wow. See what I like about that is the honesty because I feel like there's a lot of tension and I feel like it's not getting acknowledged, at least with David, where we're, you know,

addressing the elephant in the room and I can see that your shorts are off and I can see there's some raising of the nethers, you know, I've been around the block enough to just not bother trying to hide it. So yeah. Right. What's down the block? Right. I want more information on that, you know, the guy who's, you know, doing all the boxing.

Oh, oh. Oh yeah. Boxing gym. Boxing gym. Boxing gym. You'll never win. Yeah. You'll never win.

You'll never win against him. That's a great movie franchise. Boxing gym. Boxing gym. Boxing gym. You'll never win. My eyes are up here. I think you look really nice though now.

Thank you. Yeah. No, I've, uh, I chose to show my decolletage today. I like that one. I like favorite parts of my body. Yeah. You're, I mean, you seem very free with your body. Is that safe to say?

Yeah. Yeah. I got back from Paris and things sort of changed. Oh, when, when were you, do you want me to ask you about Paris? I mean, that's up to you. Um, You'll always have Paris. I mean, at this point.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. How, when were you in Paris? I had a layover in Paris the other day. Oh, where were you coming from? I was coming from, um, Trenton actually.

We did a big. That's, were you diverted? Was there some sort of, uh, Yeah, there was a swan. Up in the air. There was this one swan and you're in Paris. That was an airborne swan and we had a stopover in Paris. Actually.

Wow. Things really changed for me after that. I thought, How did you get out of the airport or, or. Yeah. For about 20 minutes. I went and went outside. I went to a Starbucks and beautiful gay Paris.

Okay. They have those inside the, the Paris, uh, I didn't see any. Oh, okay. Well, maybe it's, Maybe it's a predimulsion. A lay Starbucks. That's fantastic.

Um, well, well, I mean, So ever since you got back from Paris, what happened? Did things changed? I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm embracing myself. I'm embracing my sexuality. So you were not like this beforehand. Well, less so, less so. You know, I was letting myself air dry after baths,

but I think now I'm inviting him partners. I'm a widow and that my husband is alive, but our marriage is dead. Oh my gosh. Sorry. Her husband is, is dead. We should talk. Yeah.

It's your husband's still with you in the house. Yeah. Downstairs. Oh, okay. How many, how many stories is your house? Six. It's, I mean, it's more of like an apartment building or something like that,

which is why I was so confused. And it's segmented and it has like, uh, uh, numbers on each of the doors. Well, I bought the apartment building and I, I have all, I own everything except for two units. Oh, okay. They're squatting in those two. So you're waiting for them to get out before you renovate.

That's exactly right. I don't want to rush them. I understand. I understand. That's nice of you. Very Paris of you. I'll tell you, go to Paris and things change. That is fun.

Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, it's great to have a new point of view on life and to be inviting partners in. That's exciting. I want to cut you off here before, you know, it gets to that awkward question that I'm sure you're going to ask. No, I'm not out there looking to be a partner or a new partner in any kind of, uh,

uh, thrupple situation that's not, uh, that's not exactly where I'm at currently in my life. Why? Well, I have a new child and I'm, uh, you know, I don't think that that's the exact kind of role model I want to be for, uh, for my child role models too. Role models too. Well, that could be the next generation.

The babies is up here. We've talked about, uh, with doing the sequel role models being about you and your wife, um, uh, being role models for your baby. You've talked about this already. Yeah. When did you, when did you talk start about this? It was basically the chairman of universal call me and asked me if that would be

an area that we'd be willing to explore. Oh my God. I would be flattered. No, you wouldn't be in it. No. It would just be about you. Would I get to be in the credit? No.

I mean, it might be inspired by the life of Scott Ackerman, I guess. Yeah. But other than that. I take it is, is there a monetary fee that comes with that or? Um, yeah. It's like, I think I, it's whatever the standard is. I think it's like $250 or something like that. Oh, I thought you were going to say thousands.

Yeah. 250,000. That is just 250. To be, to inspire an entire movie. Okay. If you don't want the money, don't take the money. It's like, I, I, I'm not going to take the money and instead I'm going to sue your ass.

Good luck. No beef. Good luck. Cause I have a great lawyer that has been helping me out with the whole fruit loops. I know. That's why those are vegan. So Susan has a good point here.

No beef. No beef. Let's squash this David. Let's hug it out. Hey, where's the beef? Clara Peller. The original piss pig. That's another podcast.

Anyway, Susan, I got to say, if I can tell her, I love your tattoo. Oh, thank you. That is neat. I know. What is it of? It is. I can't really tell. It's of a swan.

Oh, wait, oh, you got it after the Paris swan. And if you'll notice it moves. I can't believe it moves. Oh, well, you're moving. When you're shimmy. When I move, it moves. Just like that. When I move, it moves.

Just like that. That is cool. Yeah. That is cool. Yeah. That's a lot like the, the dance, the hula dancers on men's biceps. I don't see the. The connection.

Oh, I, I feel like I offended you with that. I apologize. On a land of lakes, butter thing, you can cut out the knees of the woman on the cover and fold them up and it looks like it's her boobs. Yeah. When did you learn that? I learned it at camp when I was probably nine. That felt true.

It was very exciting. Yeah, but that is a neat, that is a neat trick. Thank you. I have a partner on the other side. Oh, there he is. By the way, you don't need to lift your dress down. Oh no, I wanted to show you. You've seen, you see, you should be comfortable.

I'm not comfortable, but. With my heaving bosom. I always thought about like, if a woman poses nude for playboy, then that means that she's willing to show her body to anyone. So that if you run into her on the street, you should be able to say like, show me. Show me your tits. So you see my centerfold. No.

You were in playboy? In 1977. Oh my gosh. How old of a woman are you? That math for a second. I'd love for you to take a guess, but let me just tell you, it's between 30 and 91. I'm going to guess closer to the 91, but if you were in 1977. I'm a tourist.

If that helps, I'm a tourist. That doesn't help. You're probably born in 1959, because you would have turned 18 in 1977 and then posed for playboy. He was always good at math. 63, 64? Yeah. 71.

Oh. You got to be. You're an old playmate. Thank you. Cryogenics. Oh my God. You use those or you just want to say that word? I just want to say it.

I just want to wrap my mouth around it. I get it. Cryogenics. That's how I feel about dovetail. One of the longest words in the English language. Mm-hmm. Ma'am, I don't want to sound creepy, but... Oh, he maimed me.

You got to miss. You look real good. Real good. I'm surprised how much... Everyone just watched me go in like this really slow. I think it's deep. What's the tattoo? What's the other tattoo?

You said it's a partner? This is a little bit of hair from my husband that I got implanted into my decolletage area. Oh, so it's not a tattoo. It's fantastic. Mm-mm. It's just a... It's just a tuft of hair coming out of your... Well, you know when you get your hair cut and they give you a little piece of adapter?

Yeah. Fantastic Sam's. Not since I was a baby. I have to say. And then you put it in the machine and you put it in and you get a lollipop. I... By the way, the Fantastic Sam's? Yeah.

Still open. Okay. All right. Thriving. Okay, good to know. So they gave you this tuft of hair after your husband had a haircut? My husband had a haircut. He had really long, gorgeous hair and he got it cut.

There was a time when we were really close. And so, you know, we saw Angelina Jolie do that with her. That was a vial of blood. Smoked very similar. And so we... The ones on the outside, ones on the inside. He's got my hair from another part of me and I've got his hair from up top. Is it pubic?

Mm-mm. Ow. That's another good one. John Wick. Is it pubic? It's got all the sequels lined up. I... That's a little less attractive than the nice swan tattoo, I have to say.

Hey, speak for yourself, mister. Okay. It sounds to me like David is kind of into you. I'm feeling that's what I'm saying. No, I agree with you. I'm just saying we should all speak for ourselves. Sure. That's true.

That's good advice on any occasion. So what... You're obviously a mainstay here. You've been here for 30 years. 30 years, I've seen the neighborhood change and change. Oh, yeah. And I'm running for city council. Congratulations.

This is big news. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, I... What's your platform? Mostly... By the way, 30 years is a long time for those other two apartments not to have moved out. I want to give them a minute.

Understandable. David dropped his potato salad, apparently, and he's... And now we're saying, look back at it? Yeah. And he's asking us to watch him while he does... Oh, no, he's going into a room. I think he's changing into his tennis outfit. You see, this is what happens when you book someone last minute and they take the place

of a guest who drops out mere hours before. Do you know what I like to do before I play tennis? What? Eat a big tub of potato salad and a thick old half a hoagie. I love a potato salad. I love a mayo base. I love a mayonnaise-based salad. I rub my calves with drawn butter every day.

Really? You're kidding. You're one of the most incredible moisturizers you wouldn't believe. And drawn butter is that you draw a picture of the butter and you rub it on your... You go to a red lobster, you ask them for the lobster and the side that they give you... Throw away the lobster. You throw the lobster in the garbage because who the fuck needs that? Am I right?

I'm saying. You ask for six... What are those called? Butter pat. Dreams? Or... All you can eat shrimp. Ramekins.

Ramekins. Ramekins. Corner. A great dress one time. Behind you. Uh-oh. We're six... Star 67 out of that.

Star 67. I was at a hamburger hamlet for a couple of days. For a couple of days? Oh, and you still remember all the lingo. Yeah. Oh, that's a root... Pass me a side of oysters with that shell. I don't know that that's actual...

At hamburger hamlet, they had oysters? Oh, we shucked them. We ate them. We shucked... I don't think this... This is a strange hamlet. Okay, I've been up in a hamburger hamlet. No, we don't have those in our town.

They've got six-dollar oysters. It's the best deal in town. Oh, that is a pretty good deal. Her oyster? This is not a good deal. Oh, no, that's a bad deal. That's bad. Well, you haven't tried her oysters.

They're big and sloppy. Do you still have an investment in hamburger hamlet? It sounds like you're still... I've got the deed to it. Oh, my God. He is... Now, that is a tennis outfit. This is a tennis outfit.

You're... It's surprising. Weirdly, you're dressed like a tennis racket. The crop top that's made of lanyard. Beautiful. I didn't know you had those at us. It's like a Halloween outfit, but you were like,

I'm dressed as a tennis. You know what they say? Tennis is my bag. Okay. Why did you add all the friendship bracelets? Do you need that for tennis? It helps me with my backhand and in my short game. You're also wearing a necklace that's half a locket,

like half of a heart. Who has the other half? Oh, that's cute, because it says love, and then one says love. So I bet it's love, love. Yeah. Is your tennis partner have the other half?

She looks like they're from the 1800s. I sent the other half to Madonna in the hopes that she'll call me. I know her. You know Madonna? You know Madonna? From where? Madonna Jones.

She lives... Oh. 1616. Now that I like. But I have to say, if you were involved in Playboy in the late 70s, that was sort of the height of things. Oh, I saw things at the mansion.

I'll tell you. I like that. Did you meet any... Come on in my house to... What kind of celebrities did you... Playboy show. Oh, the girl's... Oh, yeah.

Next door. Next door, right. I don't know if it's beyond that, but they... Too old. Oh, okay. Wow. Now the cat claws come out. Me out.

Rare. Oh, that made me sad. Oh, because of disco. Disco. Yeah. Did you have sex with Burt Reynolds? I didn't have sex with Burt Reynolds, but I did have sex with someone from my BART class.

Your what? What's a BART class? Is that where you learn how to talk like Bart Simpson? Or is it... You learn San Francisco Public Services? No, it's the train system in Boston. Say this. I'm a BART dude.

Don't have a cow, dude. Not bad. She's been doing good. Honestly, at some point, all the people who play the Simpsons are going to pass away. It may as well be you. That's why the Fox Network has invested in a BART class. Yeah, that's true. I'm getting the sense that David is about to walk out the door, and so I feel like we're

running out of time here. Do we need to do a number swap, you and me, or how do we... I think this is cute. How do we not let my departure end this show because there's so much to talk about. No, David, we're ending the show. Unfortunately, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called PLUGS.

All right, that was PLUG LIFE by a deadbeat milkman. Thank you so much to them. David, what do you want to plug? Do you have anything you want to plug here? I do have a new movie opening on Friday that I directed and I'm starring. It's called STOPY DANTONS. STOPY DANTONS? This sounds great.

It's about a funny teacher at a school named STOPY DANTON. It's so funny. When the principal comes in and says that they're going to shut down the schools, STOPY DANTON starts a whole campaign. Oh, so he's not funny anymore. He's like more of a... No, it's a comedy, but it's like he does all these funny tricks to keep the school alive. Oh, like a home alone type of, like he's tricking the principal and all that.

That's right. And I had a great group of kids that I worked with all from... Is it streaming? No, no. This is not going to be streaming. It's only in theaters? It's not in theaters, no. Oh, wow.

It's more streaming. No, no, no. Where are we supposed to watch this? It's not... It's really more defined on where it's not than where it is, so I'd rather not. Oh, okay. You get it. Yeah, no, that's neat.

I understand. I don't want to... Really, if you don't mind... STOPY DANTON, though? Honestly, if it's okay, it's all the same to you, I'd rather not talk about it anymore. It's just weird that you brought it up. Oh, wow. Yeah.

You really wanted to talk about it. Yeah, you talked a lot about it. Yeah, you asked me if I had something to plug. That's what I had to plug. You texted me earlier in the day and said, if you have an episode coming up that you could kick off the main guest, I really want to talk about Stopy Donton. And I did, and now I've done it, and I'd really like to move on. All right, we'll move on.

We'll move on. All right, jeez. Laila, anything you want to plug here? Yeah, I do, actually. There is a show that's going to come out on HBO Max called Kite Man Hell Yeah, and I'm so excited about it. It's called Kite Man Hell Yeah. It's called Kite Man Hell Yeah, and I think you'd love it, Scott.

I've heard about the show. I'm definitely interested. You should come back and watch it. Maybe with your family. It used to be called something else, didn't it? It did. It sure did. That's neat that you know that.

I do know that. It did used to be called something else. And I thought that was a bad title. It was. So we changed it, and Legal just said we can say that we changed it. All right. Wow. Okay.

And that's coming out on HBO Max soon. Is it weird if I want to plug my appearance on this episode? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, it's fine. Okay, so there is an episode of County Bang Bang that came out today. Yeah. And if you have a chance. Check it out if you want.

Check it out. Yeah. Whatever podcast player you have. Yeah, anywhere you get your podcast. Yeah. David, you can't leave. We have to take a picture. I'm ending the episode.

Okay? Can you stick around for two more minutes? I'm not leaving. All right. Susan, what do you want to plug? Oh, there's a show on Audible called Excessive that just came out that I'm in. You're in this, Susan? You're an actor?

Yeah, you are incredible, Susan. I am in that. Yeah. I'm doing a workshop at my house where everyone gathers nude, but nothing sexual, nothing silly. A lot of frump and wieners, like a HBO, real sex. Like is it a puppetry of the penis kind of thing? No, just taking each other in silently.

Silently. That is neat. Well, I got some time to kill before my flight. Oh, you're going back home. Oh, okay. Yes. No, can I stay here, Scott? You never offer.

No, I got to get to my apartments. It's time for my squatters to leave. Oh, sweet. Today's the day. Today. Okay. This is the life. This was today's the day.

It's too bad. All right. Well, I want to plug the Comedy Bang Bang book. It's coming out in just three weeks. Very proud of it. I think all of the fans of the show are really going to love it. I own this book and I'm so glad. Well, I gave it to you.

I mean, can you really say you own something when it was a gift? Well, I was going to say I like the book. You are standing up and then squatting down to talk every time you talk. Just sit down for a second. I know your sandwich is in your seat, but come on, the other half of your sandwich. I'm ending it. Okay. Anyway, go to comedy bang bang world.com slash book or anywhere books are Amazon, Barnes

and Noble, everywhere, Indigo and Canada. You can get the book. It comes out in three weeks. What store? Borders books. Can you shut the fuck up? Sit on your sandwich. All right.

Let's close up the old plug bag. Here we go. All right. Oh, thank you so much. That was floopy plug bag remix by Stellens Carlson Stellens. It sounds like one of his movies. It really does. David, I want to thank you so much.

Thank you for being here and hopefully you'll get to your tennis game. We'll see. And hopefully you'll, you'll win. Always a pleasure. I wish that for you. I wish you to win your tennis game. I'm honored to be your neighbor, just like her over here. That's right.

And speaking of which, Susan Christmas, great to meet you. Do I have time to read a chapter from my memoir fist? Fist. No, no. The name of it is fist. That's right. Isn't that a movie that Paley starred in? I don't know.

Oh, no, no. Sorry. Stallone did. I always get those two confused. Any Paley movie though, I will check out for sure. Any, any Paley? Paley. I always just put it on, just it's comfort food for me.

And Layla, please tell my mobile. I'd rather you tell her your damn self. Wow. All right. Can I fly back with you? Absolutely. I would love that. Is the seat next to you taken?

Never. Cause it's Southwest and I'm a farter. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.