Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Kumail Nanjiani, Taran Killam

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani joins Scott to talk about the new season of Only Murders in the Building, his new stand-up tour Doing This Again, and the full names of his TV and film characters. Then, doll maker Longlegs drops by to talk about the recent movie based on his life, how he celebrates Christmas, and his new cybertruck. Plus, Kumail and Longlegs compete in an exciting game of Would You Rather!Get tickets for the Comedy Bang! Bang! Into Your Mouth Tour 2024 over at https://CBBWorld.com/tour Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/cbb and code CBB.

If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me. Hey, get back here with my prosthetic arm. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Chicken Wing Supreme, Chicken Wing Supreme for that catchphrase submission and a little too wordy for me. Prosthetic is hard to say when you're a man built like me with a faulty tongue. A tongue that doesn't wanna do what the brain wants it to do.

But the hunt continues for a new Catch Race submission. Thank you to Chicken Wing Supreme and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. We have a wonderful show for you today. Today we have an actor slash comedian and we have a toy maker, I believe, or a doll maker here as well. That'll be coming up soon.

But let's welcome our first guest here to A Block. He's an old friend of the show. He is an end comedian and a standup comedian who brilliantly segued into the acting game. You know, speak the speech, I pray you, as it comes trippingly off the tongue, the immortal bard. You know all the works of him, obviously.

So you're not speaking until I actually introduce you? Well, I don't know the rules. There are no rules, my friend. Rule number one, there are no rules. Romeo and Juliet. There you go. The star-crossed lovers, of course. Macbeth.

I believe that was Hamlet. Oh, our other guest is here as well. I'll introduce you in a second. I'll stay out of the hay block, but when you said there were no rules, I thought I'd jump in with a little bang for you. That's a good point. That's a good point. Our dollmaker guest is here and wants to talk, but...

I think dollmakers got some slashes after it, too. He's not just a dollmaker. I guess, although I don't really quite know how to describe him. Dollmakers burying the lead, I would say Satan worshipper. Satan worshipper, sure. I don't like to bring in what, you know, people's worship. I mean, I guess we could- Sure, I worship, but I also work very close in hand with the dark one. Okay. Right, right. He's proud of it. Yeah. Who do you worship? And serial killer? No, let's leave that out. Uh, Karen Bass. That's my... Karen Bass. Mayor Karen Bass.

Sure hasn't cleaned up the streets like she promised she would. Is that what you're trying to do now? Yes. I'm doing so many things building to the big day. The Dollmaker's got a lot on his plate from what you say. It feels like it's a high effort, just talking is a high effort task. That's true.

That's just excitement sweat. Okay. Okay, that seems a little more than excitement sweat, quite honestly. It's also exhausting. Yeah, you're panicking, man. What is your heart rate right now? What have you wanted to hear? You showed up exhausted.

God, can I take your blood pressure bite? What is your heart rate right now? What have you walked into here? You showed up exhausted. God, can I take your blood pressure bite? I'd love you to take my blood pressure bite. Oh, look at me. I seem to have been wearing my long legs today. What if I break my own? I feel like you gave away who he is. But we'll of course be talking to him soon. No rules. No rules, of course.

Just right. He is a part of the new season of Only Murders in the Building, season four, which is out now. A couple episodes have just dropped and he has a new tour called Doing This Again, which starts anew this Friday. Please welcome back to the show, Kumail Nanjiani. Hi. Thank you for having me. So great to have you. Yeah. Welcome back. Thank

you, man. Welcome home. Can you imagine if you consider this to be home? I love Scott's podcast studio. I mean, my house is okay, but I really feel like myself only in Scott's. What's strange is it is my home. Yeah, it is your home. I mean, it's lovely. It's really, really nice. Do you watch movies on this thing? I do, yeah. It's called a TV. Uh-huh, okay.

You should get flacked. Don't they have curves? Yeah, I know. They used to be, but... Welcome to the 21st century, Gryll. Okay. Let's welcome our other guest since he's been talking. He's a doll maker, a slash Satan worshipper. Oh, I'm into so many things.

I'm so happy to be here with the almost birthday boy. I mean, you just missed it, quite honestly, Long Legs. I don't know about you. Is your birthday coming up? No, no he's a birthday based serial killer. Yeah. Only one particular birthday too. Yeah it's like April 14th or something like that. Yeah the day before tax day which is like I'm too busy personally. Yeah we got a lot going on. Prepping my taxes, doing e-file. Yeah honestly if you're gonna kill me before I get my taxes done, thank you. Yes, please.

Oh, please. I'm doing you a favor. Yes, exactly. Thank you, Long Legs. Yeah, welcome to Long Legs. Hi, Long Legs. Oh, I'm so happy to be here, such a fan of the podcast. Are you really?

I listen all the time when I'm doing my carvings. I don't know if I like that. I hope I'm not inspiring to you. No, certainly. Oh, certainly. Every time I hear you chuckling away, I know that the corrupt souls that are listening are deserving of the beautiful punishment that's coming on the big day. I guess that's kind of a compliment. It's not really. He's saying your podcast makes him want to kill people.

I guess, but I mean, you know, Ozzy Osbourne was, they talked about how he committed, you know, was the cause of serial killer. Yeah. I mean, so many of us are completely ineffectual in life. Having any kind of result is great. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Bon Legs, welcome to the show. Thank you. So happy to be here. Sorry, I couldn't wait till B block. That's all right. Are you a fan of Kumail's here? I am such a huge fan of Kumail. I have been since brother nature.

Oh yeah. Brother nature. You don't know brother nature. I don't. What was brother nature? Brother nature was this movie. It's maybe you mean mother nature. No, that was the joke.

Oh, what's the joke? That was the one joke. It was also called brother in laws. Right. And that joke was, yes, The joke was broken. That was the one joke. It was also called Brother-in-Laws. Right, working title. Yes, that joke was instead of brothers-in-law, it's brother-in-laws. Okay, I guess that's kind of a joke. Brother-in-laws, yeah.

Brother-in-laws, so they broke laws in the, is this a film or is this a TV show? It's a film. It's a film. It's a family summer romp. Okay, all right. To be honest, Gamail, I missed this one. I'm sorry. You did? I did, yeah. You're the only one who missed it. Let me bring this up.

Huge hit. Massive. What's it called? Brother Nature? Brother Nature. I don't know why this is so hard for you. You know how mother is in relation? I actually think the first time I laid eyes on Kumael was obviously Portlandia. And I had the good fortune of shaking his hand at the premiere and telling him I thought he was so wonderfully funny. You were at the premiere of Long Legs? I was. I'm a friend of Fred Armisen. It's not Fred. This makes sense. Yeah, exactly. You never know if it's like a band person, you know, is it a member of the Damned or is it Long Legs over here? Yeah, he. You never know if it's like a band person, you know, is it a member of the damned or

is it long legs over here? Yeah, he collects us, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. Yeah, totally. Collects wandering souls. Yeah, fit right in, nobody blinked. Well, I got to see this brother nature. Apparently this is the moniker of a internet personality known for his viral Twitter videos.

That's not what this is. That's not the Brother Nature I should be watching. I'm just gonna subscribe to this guy. Brother Nature movie, it stars Taron Killam and Bobby Moynihan. I heard a story about one of Taron's films the other day, but I'll have to talk to him about that when I see him. Ask away right now. I could ask the Dark Lord what he knows.

I'm now realizing this is in an episode yet to come, so I don't want to be, you know, the, uh, one of the three ghosts of Christmas here. Spoilsport. Exactly. Oh, Spoilsport, that's a good serial killer name. That's another Taron Killam film. Is it really? In development. No. Spoilsport would be a good serial killer name. That's another Taron Killam film. Is it really? In development. No. Spoilsport would be a great serial killer name. Does he just kill like sporting people?

Oh, this is good. I'm actually, this is actually where I- He's sort of the Dexter of big game hunting. Yes. And he cuts them like a fatal wound, but then he leaves them to bleed out and spoil. Longlegs, you have good ideas. Why aren't you like just in a writer's room instead? I'm trying, you know? Apparently stay alive till 25. Well, the strike to get a packet together.

The strike. Did you know how much Duncan Crabtree made last year? 1.2 million? While we were out there on the picket lines. Did he really? He did. What do we think about this? Why do we know that? They just reported it a couple of days ago. Who did?

The press. It came out in the press. It was me! What? Long legs? I'm doing all sorts of mischievous strings in anticipation of the big day. It wouldn't surprise me if your movie was shot during the actual strike too. Like you were a bunch of scabs.

Now that's evil. Yeah, a bunch of scabs. Spoilsport is... Wait, so Long Legs knows about the movie? Long Legs knows about your own movie? Long Legs knows all. Are you... So are you the official Long Leg legs or were you in the movie?

I'm the long legs. The movie's based on my life. I see. So Nick Cage is an actor who played you. He lived with me for a year and a half to study me and I think he did a pretty great job. You think he nailed you? Got the essence of you?

He kept saying, you're kind of just like Michael Jackson with the pink nose. And at first I took offense to that, but then I realized he's comparing me to the King of Pop. That's a good point. What about when he would break out into song out of nowhere a few times? Is that something that you're long-lost? Yeah, that's something I do. A little carpool karaoke, for sure. So many gifts. We built this city! Oh dear. We built this city! Ah! How was Nick Cage as a roommate? You know, pretty tidy. Really?

Okay, and how are you going, Mike? Pretty tidy, and I'm a huge comic book lover, so there's Superman paraphernalia all over the place. He's got his Superman bed sheets. But he doesn't respect personal space so much. He likes to really inhabit the role. Right. You know, a lot of people were saying that, you know, when you were in the store in that movie, Long Legs, that you had sort of a JD Vance going to a donut shop thing about you.

Okay. Sure. That's good. There are a lot of similarities there. And, C'mon, what'd you think? How long have you been working here? Okay, good. Okay, good. Okay, good. So whatever makes sense. Yeah, whatever makes sense. Just put in some maple bars and a bear claw and a cream fill, whatever makes sense.

I've never had an issue ordering donuts at a donut shop. I know exactly how to do it. I know exactly what I want. I'll take those. I'll take those. Yeah, those look good. I'm going to see him at the firefighters unionizing. I haven't seen this. Yeah, they't look good. I'm going to see him at the firefighters unionizing.

I haven't seen this. Yeah, they booed him. He gets booed immediately and he goes, I hear there's, all right, a fan, maybe some people who disagree. He calls them haters. Yeah. Some haters. You're more comfortable in your own skin than he is.

How is that, Longlegs? Where does the name Longlegs come from? It has to do with the cinematography framing. Does it really? Is that why you're cut off at the beginning of the film? Yes, yes. Because it shot, it's low budget, they couldn't afford a higher tripod. They couldn't find sticks.

Oh no. They had very low sticks. The best they could do was a double apple. Oh my God. By the way, spoilers for Long Legs we should mention. I mean, have we spoiled anything? I guess the fact that he's a Satan worshiper. Yeah. Yeah. We've spoiled it in the way where it's like those highlights magazines where

all the clues are spread out. Yeah. Like looking at it, it doesn't really make sense. Yeah. ESPN highlights magazines. What do you think about that? Is that true? I don't know. Oh. I don't know if it's true or not.

I'm just saying it. Find the top, find the difference in these top 10 catches. By the way, Spoilsport, I am going to use in my Spider-Man stuff, so I'm circling that right now. I've come up with three villains on this show just talking, so I'm definitely going to use them. Spoilsport is a great villain. It's pretty good, right? Is he like an evil Casey Jones maybe?

He's just Casey Jones, that's what I was gonna say. Yes, I don't know about that, but look up Spoilsport Marvel. Oh no, Spoilsport already exists. There's a Spoilsport Marvel already? Yeah. Spoilsport was born an advanced generation mutant and is the younger sister to the mutant dragon wing?

Come on. Dragon wing and spoilsport. Two things that go great together. What is the theme? All over the place. Those are flavors on Hot Ones, I think. Joe Biden, go on Hot Ones, your last day in the office. What do you say? What could it hurt? Might be your last day in the office. What do you say? What could

it hurt? Might be your last day in the office and on earth, who knows? Kumail, tell me about, first off, the Doing This Again Tour. It's coming out here. How many dates are you doing? I'm doing about 12 or 13 cities this year and then another 12 or 13 next year. Wow. Yeah, I haven't toured in 10 years. I kind of hadn't been doing stand-up in a long time. So that's what doing this again is. And started up again in the strike last year that we were talking about. That's right. And then, yeah, liking it, loving it, going to all sorts of places. Check me out.

What are the, are you going to any cities you've never done before that you're excited to go to? Well, I'm doing, I've never played Minneapolis before. That's a great comedy town we just played there. I've heard, where did you play? We were in St. Paul, right next door, but we played at the, I forget, it's a wonderful theater that used to have all the public radio stuff out there,

but let me look it up while you talk. True story. Yes. I was about 36 years old before I realized it's not called Minneapolis. Well, Long Legs, that just sounds to be par for the course with you. Do you think that was a Despicable Me based city? We played the Fitzgerald. But not that.

The Fitzgerald. See? That's classy sounding. I've never done Minneapolis. I'm doing Atlanta, which. Tabernacle. Yeah. Tabernacle. Great venue.

Love it. City I love. You know all these places. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm doing Portland. I'm doing. Where are you playing in Portland?

Phoenix. Portland. I am playing Revolution Hall. Revolution Hall. Two shows. Two shows. That's right. That's how they do it there.

They don't have any mid-sized venues. So you gotta play two shows. Yeah, I'm doing the Moore. The Moore, we just were there a couple of weeks ago. I think we have the same agent. Van Coop, yeah, we probably do. The Fillmore in Philadelphia. Oh, that sounds amazing.

Lincoln Theater in DC. Just for the alliteration alone. Yeah. Wow, these are great places to see standup comedy, great place to see Kumail do it. What are your topics these days? You haven't done it really in a long time. What do you, I mean, what's on your mind?

Well, what's on my mind? What's eating at your craw? I don't know, man, just random shit, you know? Yeah. Like a lot of strike-based humor, to be honest. Very inside baseball. Are you doing all the synonyms of strike? Like humor, to be honest. Okay, good. Very inside baseball. Are you doing all the synonyms of strike? Like you're doing it about the labor strike,

you're doing striking matches. Yeah, yeah. You're doing karate chops. I'm just looking at strikes from every angle. Love that. Is picketing, is it called picketing because of a picket fence, right? Like you're keeping. I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know long legs, I don't think it is. What the fuck are you talking about, long legs? Stay in your lane. Long legs, come on, man. You know, I mean, what? And what's the deal? What's the deal with the signs? Oh, so you're trying to do stand up now?

I'm just spitballing. What's the deal with what? With signs. With the signs. With the signs. You know, yeah. Brilliant aliens come from across the galaxy. Signs existed before. And their one weakness is, sorry, wait, what was the galaxy. Signs existed before. Sorry, wait, what was the topic?

My mind wanders. You're not talking about the Shyamalan signs film. I know they're one week, they go to a planet that's made up of two thirds water and their one weakness is water. Why do they even want to come here? It's ridiculous. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

And by the way, you know what the dude in Unbreakable's weakness is? Water. Water. What is going on with Shavon? What's up Shavon? He doesn't like water, man. Talk about movies with a bad third act. Long legs.

That sounds like you're criticizing your own movie. When you point a finger, there's three pointing back at you. Oh, long legs, we love you, even though you're an eccentric guy. So you said aliens coming here talking about picket signs and it just happened to also align with movie signs? Oh right, we were talking about the picket. I think I was going about flourishes on signs,

on picket signs. Like how much work do you really wanna put into this? You know what I mean? Have you ever been part of a union, Long Legs? Yeah, what union are you? Dollmakers union, yeah, Dollmakers local 175. So you hang out with like the Cabbage Patchmakers? Yup, that's right, Cabbage Patch.

That's one of the few dolls that became a dance. That's what I always say to them. One of the few. Way to go. One of the few topics of conversation with those guys. Those pricks. Do you know the people who did Pound Puppies? Yeah, yeah, Barb and Kester at Darnwall.

Yeah. Kester. I I like that work. Yeah. You have any pounds? Great series. Is there a true story? Before I arrived here, I stopped by the guitar center to pick up some picks. And I watched an 80 pound husky grab a little chihuahua dog in its mouth and shake it to it fro as its owner screamed horrifically. Oh no.

No, it was wonderful. Cause I'm long legs. Your long legs of course. And I like things that are adorable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was the dog okay? I think it was definitely whining. I'm sure you just went into the Godard Center without checking up on it again.

I froze. I froze. It's fight or flight. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I was definitely winding. I'm sure you just went into the guitar center without checking up on it again. I froze. It's fight or flight.

I'm not much of a dog person myself, more of a doll person, as you know, and kind of like backed up into the corner and the owner of the Husky had to tackle it to the ground and hold it down and started cursing at it under its breath. So that didn't feel like a healthy relationship. Do you think the cursing at it under its breath so that didn't feel like a healthy relationship. Do you think the cursing at it worked? Like what? Like fucking get the fucking dog out of your fucking mouth you bitch? Nosva, norahkto, eetorahkto. Okay, stop, long legs. We don't need any of your satanic curses.

Don't finish the sentence, please. If you want long legs to curse ya, you know we will. No, please don't. You're doodling a pentagram as you speak. Please stop that. That's true. No, please don't. That's a good point. You're doodling a pentagram as you speak. Please stop that. Oh, come on. Don't finish the big point.

Stop it. You put too many sides on the pentagram. Yeah, thank God. This is the Minneapolis of pentagrams. Well, doing this again, you're out there, you're doing a bunch of cities, and then, you know, I would imagine that once you're done with that, you're never gonna film it, and you're never gonna put it out as a special. No, that's it. I want

everyone to forget about it. I just want to say the words and move the fuck on. And I had heard that this tour, you're trying to never repeat any word that you say. Yeah, it's very tough because I don't, I mean, I know a lot of words, but not enough to like not repeat them for an hour. It's hard not to say the more than once. Yeah, and so I hold my the. Okay, until the very end that people applaud. Minute 45 is the. I was gonna say by the time you get to Atlanta,

it's gonna be like poetry for Neanderthals. No, I don't mean show to show. Just within one show. Within one show, it would be impossible to do. Yeah, buddy, that's stupid. Come on, long legs. That's crazy. Yeah, I just use up words one show. Within one show. It would be impossible to do. Yeah, buddy. That's stupid. Come on, long legs. That's crazy. Yeah.

I just use up words per show. Yeah. Easy to do in one show. Yeah. You could do it in one show. Signs, signs everywhere. The signs, walking on the street. They be bashing my mind.

I love signs. Yeah, he's into signs. He's into signs. He just loves all the things. What about the, what was that lyric in that about the crazy long hairs need not apply? Yeah. We all remember that one. Did you take that personally, like Michael Jordan said?

Well, and I took that personally. I sent him a doll. Are your dolls sex dolls? I suppose they could be used for whatever the owner wants. I mean, any doll is a sex doll, technically. If you want to have sex with it. If I had a nickel. But I mean, not pound puppies.

Oh, they're called pound. Excuse me? Yeah. They're called pound puppies. The adjective alone. Okay, all right. Okay, look, long legs, we gotta take a break. Are you okay with this?

Oh, yes. I'm so excited for you to see what's coming during the break. Don't do anything weird during the break, okay? I love commercials the most. Well, I love to hear that because we're gonna do a few. Kumail, you can stick around. We're gonna talk about only murders as well here.

Let's do it. All right, we're gonna come right back. We'll have more Kumail, more long legs. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. No, no, no. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. We'll have more Kumail, more Long Legs. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. -♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na called Stand Up Live, and then after that, it's theaters and other places such as DC, Portland, Seattle, Minneapolis, Austin. Why doesn't our agent put us on shows together? We think, you know, half you, half me?

Yeah. This is the monsters of- How about we're on stage at the same time, speaking at the same time, and we do half a show, because then that's double show already. Whoever can pull focus more, the audience pays attention, or like this half of the audience pays attention to me. Yeah.

And then we just halfway through, we swap places and we perform to the other audience. We do the exact same show for the- Same material because they haven't heard it yet. I love this. Oh my God. Double the flavor. It's like the Mountain Dew of stand up routines. Long Legs has maybe like Code red, but they have like...

That's not a double the flavor. That's not their thing. You're thinking like double mint gum? Yeah. What do you mean? What are you talking about? You're talking about Double Stuffed Oreos? I find in terms of the soda scam, the soda spectrum, I find Mountain Dew to kind of pride

itself on more intense flavors. There's more happening. You got to do it. You got more intense flavors. There's more happening. You gotta do it. You gotta get going. You don't think it's more flavor. It's citrus, which alone means it's an undefined citrus. It's a puckering taste. So it's going to be, it's sweet.

It is a new flavor. So it's multiple things at once, and it glows green, and it's intense, and it's coming at you. Is that why your mouth is all red? You've been drinking too much code red. I've been gulping, oh my God, I gotta go to the bathroom so bad.

Just use the bathroom this time, because during the break, you're just. I left you a gift, and I'm gonna put it in a ball, and I'm gonna leave it in your house. It's not a gift, you just took a dookie on my floor. Okay, Long Legs is here. What's up? The movie's still in theaters, You get a cut of that.

Is it? I feel we gotta be pretty close to digital at this point. Okay, sure. I mean, with windowing these days, what is it, a 30 day? Yeah, what do you think of these theatrical windows getting shorter and shorter, Long Legs? Sometimes they're 15 days.

It's like Long Legs short theatrical windows. I think if they've got eyeballs on the project, that's worthwhile, but certainly you feel like long legs. You want to be in the space with the crap. Yeah. What do you think of the future of theatrical overall? I think that augmented reality is taking over in the next two to three years. I think that choosing your own adventure is probably upon us within the next five to ten. You should just be working in the movie industry. Why aren't you like killing people?

But then who would look after my precious dogs? I guess, I guess. Hire an assistant? Yeah. Are you available after the tour? No, I'm. He has assistance himself. Yeah, I'm a busy guy.

Will you share them? Will you do a Mountain Dew swap with me with your assistant? Yeah, Scott and I will share a stage and I'll share my assistants with you. I had a friend who had a movie come out during the strike, I believe. It was like a kayaking movie. Sure, sounds actually bad. Was it George Clooney? Kayaking movie?

What is the George Clooney guy? Boys in the Boat! Yeah, Boys in the Boat, baby. Boys in the Boat. I've never heard of Boys in the Boat. You've never heard of Boys in the Boat? Long legs approved! I gave it two long legs up! in the boat. Yeah, boys in the boat, baby. I've never heard of boys in the boat. You've never heard of boys in the boat? I gave it two long legs up.

Is that the best you can do? Because you only have two. That's not what we got two. It's all the dark. Okay, so what's the scale? Two long legs up, one long leg up. We got two long legs up, one long leg up, one long leg bent knee. Two bent knee.

Two bent knee. What's the difference between- One long leg bent knee. Okay, bent knee. Two bent knee. Two bent knee. What's the difference between- If it's charming, if it's a throwaway popcorn, I give it a foot flick. Just a little shuffle. Are you a foot guy as well as being a long leg guy? Oh, I'm an all kinds of things guy.

But yeah, yeah, I'm a foot fetishist. You're a foot fetishist. Oh yes, yes. Big defeat. That's why I asked you if I could record under the table. Okay, I don't mind. Oh great, someone took a dookie under here.

It's you, Longlegs. Oh, Longlegs, I tell ya. Also, Kamil, I want to talk to you about Only Murders as well, because much like Longlegs, the characters in Only Murders this year are making movies. Yeah, so Zach Alphanacus is playing himself. Is it a movie or a TV show? He's making a movie. It's a movie.

Yeah. Okay. And Zach, I'm sure has been on this podcast. Zach, yeah, I've been many times, multiple times. Yeah, well, he's playing himself on it. That's right, are you playing yourself or are you? I'm playing another character. Another guy, who's this guy? His name's Rudy, he's a-

What's his last name? I believe Thurber. Rudy Thurber. Isn't it odd how last names just are the first thing you forget about a character? I could not name most of my characters. I couldn't name my guy in Brother Nature. We've done this on the show before. Brother Nature. Yeah.

Some of them, I bet I'll remember some. Okay. That script was so thin. There may not have been a surname. Just come on. We're going to test you, but anyway, continue bet I'll remember some. Okay. That script was so thin, there may not have been a certain name to start with. Come on. We're going to test you. But anyway, continue talking about Only Murders. So they all go to Hollywood this year.

Yeah, well, Hollywood comes to them. So you have- Wait, the whole city moves? All of it. Text breaks. Don't you remember that time when it got really cold in the winter here? That's when we were going to New York. Everyone just moved.

Amazing. It's Eugene Levy. Guy is playing himself. Eva Longoria's Eugene Levy, guys playing himself, Eva Longoria playing herself, Zach is playing himself, and then me and Richard Kind are like new neighbors who are. New to each other or new neighbors to, to whom are you new? New to the people we know.

We're friends amongst ourselves. Okay. And we're new suspects. I'm gonna give you a layup here. Maybe we did. Obi-Wan Kenobi, what's your last name? Haja Estri. Yeah, see that's easy because it's a weird name.

It's a weird name. All right, most of these don't even have it listed. I bet I don't even, yeah, remember first names. You don't even remember first names? Okay, great, I'll try you on this. Who were you in the short Parking Spot? Oh, that's I was the guy from Eternalist. So, oh, you were Kingo. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. You wait. You were they allow. Oh, that's a Marvel.

It was a Marvel short. Okay. I thought someone just made you made a short film and cast you and you decided to play the Eternal. No, it was it was a spot. Who are you in the lovebirds? Oh, Gibran. Gibran, do you have a last name? It's not listed. No, I don't think I had a last name. You never had a last name.

Gibran Nee? Gibran Nee? Okay, the Twilight Zone. Of course, the famous first episode. Samir Wasson. Yes, that's right. Yeah. How do you know this?

I do. I do know that one as well. Interesting. Okay. No this I do. I do know that wow Interesting. Okay Harmon quest. Oh No, Eddie lizard Eddie lizard, of course. That's right. Yeah interesting Yeah, most most of these do not have last names, but I try to get them stricken from the script. Yes, of course. There's Skip Marooch skip Marooch. Skip Marooch, he's coming back. Is he coming back? Bob's Burgers, I just did a new episode with Skip Marooch,

one of my favorite shows, one of my favorite characters to play. I love that show. That's a great show, of course, Tal John, one of the writers and producers. One of the great guys in our town. Yes, isn't he? Just a lovely, lovely man.

He's now talking about long legs. Yeah, all right, long legs. All right, long legs. We'll get to your projects in a town. Yes. Isn't he? Just a lovely, lovely man. He's out talking about long legs. All right, long legs. All right, long legs. We'll get to your projects in a second. All right, long legs. What do you have coming up? I'm doing Bob's Burgers. What?

Who are you playing? It's a cutaway. I play it to play myself. Okay, it's a cutaway. Sure. Sounds more family guy-ish, but okay. Yeah, I watch Bob's Burgers. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, you know all the characters. I should know. The whole family. The whole family. The sister that's the only Yeah, of course. Yeah. You know all the characters. I should now. The whole family. The sister that's voiced by a male. Yes.

Kristen Schaal. Of course. All of them. Schaal's. You've worn Schaal's in your life. I love a Schaal around fall weather. You've got a Schaal vibe. I'll show them Schaal.

You have like an. That would be my catchphrase if I have one. You have an autumawl vibe. I'll show them shawl. You have like an- That would be my catchphrase if I have one. You have an autumnal kind of thing to you. I'm the pumpkin spice of spooky Satan worshipping doll making weirdos. But then you strike during April? It doesn't make sense to me. I think it was March, right? Was it March? Well, you should know. Well you know they take creative liberties. Okay. So I'm the real Long Legs. Okay so what is your day? So it's either

Ides of March or Tax Day. It's Ides of March. I'm a Shakespeare head. That's why I couldn't stay quiet in the A-Block. Ah got it. Where are the Ides of March? Which is from? Of course. Lear. Oh, I know Julie Caesar. Julie Caesar. Yeah. Of course. That's the only one I've read. Okay.

That's the only one you've read. Were you reading it out loud? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Just to hear how it sounds. Yeah. I just wanted to get the rhythms of it. You know, of course.

I'm the only way to read Shakespeare. I memorized it. I didn't. Nope. Yeah. But I've had long legs. No. I bet long legs know some. Friends! Romans! Birthday girls! This is why you don't get cast more stuff. What are you doing the rest of the year when you're waiting for March 14th to roll around. Whittling, gluing, screwing, drilling, brewing, shoeing. Screwing and brewing. Screwing and brewing, bro.

I want to make a t-shirt now. Long legs summertime. Long legs in an inner tube. Just river float. With his fingers Richard Nixon style. And it just says screwing and brewing. Yeah, impenetrable shirt. Everyone's like, what the fuck is this shirt?

Okay, I gotta write this down, actually. Screwing and brewing, long legs. Long legs screwing and brewing. Richard Nixon hands. Yep, all right. I'm actually gonna make this. But please don't alert the long legs people. I'm actually gonna make this. But please don't alert the long legs people.

Yeah, I mean, like, do you celebrate Christmas long legs? Oh, I don't celebrate Christmas in the same way you do. Oh, I bet it's a little bit different. You don't know how he celebrates it. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, test me. Oh wait, sorry. Thank you. I meant, how do you celebrate it?

Cause here's how I celebrate it. I find a baby, I carve a doll. Already different. Is it okay? Okay, good, good, good. We're learning. Yeah, I just buy the doll. We're making each other.

I buy the baby, I buy the doll. I insert a dark piece of the devil's soul into a golf ball. I insert that into the baby doll. That's part of that movie, the golf ball. And then leave it for the baby's parents to buy. I look like a golf ball. I insert that into the baby doll and leave it for the baby's parents to find. It looked like a golf ball. I didn't know what was happening. That's not what you do. No! I literally make dolls! You don't have any of the inserting Satan into the dolls or anything like that? I wish!

You must have been aghast when you saw this movie and they're taking these liberties. I mean, huge swings. I make dolls, I go to farmer's markets, I got a nice little stand, I host karaoke once a month. You sell your dolls at the farmer's market? I do indeed. And how you doing?

How's business? Not great, not great. Most people when they go to a farmer's market, they're looking for like fruit. Produce. You know what it is? It's really more about the likeness. People want a doll that looks like them. That's how I advertise.

Get a doll that looks just like you. So do you make the dolls first and then you're trying to find the people that they look like? It literally takes me like three months to make a single doll. Yeah. At best, at best, if I backlog,

use my inventory, I can bring five or six dolls and then the hopes that someone attending that farmer's market looks exactly like those dolls, you know? It's you and far between. So people must come to your booth and say like, oh, can you make a doll that looks like me? And you're like, do any of these look like you? Yes, correct. And then they don't. Right.

And then they leave. And they get so upset with me. They go like, take the order first, Long Legs. Oh, oh, oh, I see. See what I do is I see the customer who looked disappointed and in anticipation of them returning, I make it all of that. You make them frowning at how disappointed they were. So you're just always a week behind.

I'm, oh yeah, five months behind. Yeah, three months. I know, I know my guy Scott, He's a math guy. He loves the logic of the math. Other characters say that too. I mean, other guests on the show. But so, I mean, long legs. So you're not a Satan worshiper. You have a- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't be a movie studio and rewrite my life. I love Satan. Okay, sure as much as any. I love doom and gloom, which is why Christmas for me

is going to a German Christmas market with my five or six dolls in inventory and just trashing baby Jesus in the manger. They should make mangers that are like, you know those rooms where you can go in and like break glass, break away? Oh, you could break manger. Just like hit go in and like break glass, break away. Oh, you could break mangers. Just like hit Jesus with a baseball bat.

Oh my God. I would appeal to some sick fucks out there. I'm sure those break rooms have like a Christmas theme. Yeah, why not? Like from, you know, mid November till second week of January. Same thing with Santa. Yeah, it's not exclusively religious. You know, you just do the manger, you just do Joseph and Mary and angels and sheep in

whichever parts you subscribe to. Exactly. And you swing away like my favorite movie, Signs. Enough about signs. Wow, man, you really love signs. You really find your way back to signs no matter what. I mean, I get it. I get it.

I mean, it's a... I was, I mean, you know, the, the, the, you're coming off of sixth sense and you're looking at the crop circle things and this guy's gonna have a take. Yeah. You're coming off of unbreakable. Unbreakable is great too. I love that movie too. And then you got the, the one where, uh, the, with, uh, you know, everyone in, in, uh, like,

uh, what am I trying to say? The village. The village. Thank you. It takes a village. The Village, right. And then that's around when everyone started checking out. That's way, it's a little ahead of it, yeah. Yeah, the Village is the one where they're pretending to be old. Old-timey in there. Old-timey, but they're still talking old-timey. They're in Mar-a-Lago, but they're pretending to be... They all decided to talk old-timey too. But not commit to it, which I found very reveal. Like Sigourney Weaver going like, what does thou mean?

Yeah, I mean, I get it. She's like, ah, come on, guys. She, the character doesn't believe this, the actress doesn't either. I don't know why, either like we're gonna go live in the middle of nowhere, also we have to change how we speak. We just had the hand job man, of course, Hailey Joel Osment

on a couple of weeks ago. And so my idea is to do a Cobra Kai with him where he's the sixth sense guy all grown up and he's still seeing the dead people and he's like, it's ruined his life. And he's just- Literally the most sellable idea I've heard in a year. I don't know why I keep saying it on this show,

but nothing funny about it. I wanna watch it. I'm excited to make it. Maybe you can get involved Long Legs. Oh, I would love that. I'll bring the sticks. Okay, I don't know what the sticks are. What sticks?

The tripod. Oh, so they can get- Oh, again, I meant part of the village. So you can shoot faces. Nothing makes me angrier than podcast hosts not retaining every bit of information we've talked about over the last meandering 45 minutes. Sticks has too many meanings, much like signs.

I meant sticks. So you could get those faces. The Noah Cahn album. Stick season. Oh Vermont, but it's a season of the sticks and I saw your mom, she forgot that I exist. Oh my God. Long legs.

Long legs, come on man. What else does signs have? I'm looking up Wikipedia here and let let's see, Signs has, Signs Film. Look for the disambiguation, disambiguation. Signs, of course, was a TV series, a Polish crime thriller series. Did you watch that, Longlegs? I missed it.

Oh, there's a Ted Lasso episode of Signs. You must have caught that. Oh, I loved that, yeah. He's so nice, isn't he? They were like, I ain't listening to no Signs. Signs he? They were like, I ain't listening to no signs. Signs just get in the way. I ain't never. And he's like, well, I gotta be honest,

if you look at a sign and if you give it a little bit of love, it could change your life. Wait a minute, he might be right. He points to that sign every day, so they must have made a whole episode about it. A bottle episode about the sign. Is it when he rips up the sign? Is that the one and then they put it back up? Yeah. I'm guessing that's a storyline.

Yeah, probably. It's a Johnny Lang album. You mentioned that already, right? Signs, signs. There's that song. There's a Drake song, Signs. Where do you fall on the Drake-Kendrick feud? I think Kendrick took it, obviously, but I have a soft spot for Drake. I don't mind good dance music. Sure. He's from the snakes. I find him to be entertaining. He's, he's, he's one of those sort of multi hyphenate child actor performer

turned pop sensation that I really have enjoyed over the years. Would you sell him a doll? Oh God. I love that idea. You should make a doll that looks like Drake in case he shows up. I'll make a Drake doll and I'll leave it for him and I'll tuck inside of a little ball some extra rap lyrics so if he's ever in a beef again

with Kendrick Lamar, he can go, A, A. A, A, A, A. What are some of the lyrics that you could write for Drake? A. A, of course. B? B? I ain't up to no silly, uneven tricks.

Gonna frame you out because I brought some short sticks. Okay. You have a very limited frame of reference. Everything is about, I mean, it must have been very disappointing for you. You go to this film, suddenly your first scene on screen, they're cutting your head off. It's so frustrating, you know, not even me, but my likeness obviously.

Yeah, exactly. And they had me in this old beat up station wagon. That was insulting. Yeah. I drive a cyber truck. Did you drive a cyber truck? I drive a cyber truck. We gotta get to this long legs,

because first of all, it's maybe the only- I'm not avoiding it. It might be the only- I went out of my way to bring it up. It might be the only car your long legs would fit into. That's exactly right. We gotta, we gotta break, we gotta delve into this. We gotta take a break though, okay?

Long legs, is that right? A break like my Cybertruck windows do if you apply any pressure. I guess so. So you like your Cybertruck windows do if you apply any pressure. I guess so. So you like your Cybertruck. Okay, we'll figure all this out. We're gonna take a break. We're gonna come right back with more Kumail,

more long legs. We'll be right back after this. No, no, no, no. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Kumail Nanjiani is here,

the Doing This Again Tour starts up for, from what I've been told, it sounds like about 13 days this year, about 13 days next year. Yeah, 13, 14 cities this year, 13, 14 cities next year, start off in Phoenix this Friday. This Friday. And then go all over the place. All over the place. Are you on a bus? Are you? No. No. Have you toured in a bus? No. Yeah. Ugh.

Can you imagine? No, I'm a grown man. I'm a grown man, I'm a husband. Yeah. Are you coming back after every weekend? Yeah, I'm coming back home. This is only weekends. Yeah.

The only weekends tour. I'm trying to make this doable. Yes. It's going back to stand up hardest part. It takes you nights away. Yeah. To prepare for it. Were you out like in the city doing- All the time. Yeah. Yeah. All the time. I got a show tonight in the city. Yeah. It's hard to do. Every night. Yeah. I just want to be home with my wife watching movies and playing video games. Why can't they pay us for that?

I would love to do like a 4 p.m. show. Yes. Oh my God, on a Saturday. Vampire Weekend started doing this. They did? Yeah, they would have matinees. I would love on Saturday a 4 p.m. show, a 6 p.m. show, you're done by eight, go have a nice dinner.

Thank you. Yeah. I love this idea. Because that's the other thing, now staying up late, you do a show, it starts at 9.30, 10 till midnight. I'm in bed long before. Are you getting the venue to deliver your food to the venue from a local restaurant or are you...

No, no, no. I don't eat. You don't eat before the show? Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's tough. Long legs, what about you? Do you eat before you make a doll? Oh, do I. What I do is I head out to the back alley behind my house and I rummage through my neighbor's leftovers that they put in their bins

and I cook up a delicious stew. And then I, too, play video games. Oh, really? What are you playing these days? Honestly, Top Spin 2K25. Is that one of those woke games? It's a tennis game. Woke games? Meaning you have to be awake while you play.

Oh, how is that a wake? No, there's a lot of people complaining about games these days. Yeah, that's right. A lot of people complaining about games these days. About everything these days. Are you really playing Top Spin 2K25? I sure am. My career is up to level 14!

Wow! What's the max? I don't know. And who are you playing? You're playing yourself? I design a character, lookalike person, yeah, and then you go and you do your training session and then you do some like exhibition events and try to unlock more points that way. And you do, you go to like Grand Slam tournaments. You gotta earn your way up. You can participate in the ATP where you can do the Grand Slam. It sounds like it happens in your show, the video game show. Yeah, I used to do it. Not doing that again.

Why not? Get back to it. Why would you do it again? Do 14 shows this year. Yeah, you're so busy. I genuinely do want to know. 14 of the 365 days this year here out on the road. You can record a podcast at 4pm in the afternoon.

Cannot stop complaining about it. Long legs, we gotta talk about this Cybertruck. Oh, I was gonna suggest it, driving out to Phoenix. That's a beautiful driving Cybertruck. There's no way it's gonna make it. Yeah, there's no, I mean you put it on autopilot, right? Right, you have to start, we get about 200 miles per charge. Drives you into the ocean instead, doesn't it? I mean.

Sometimes, yeah, sometimes just drives in circles. Sometimes it only will drive in the first. It'll drive to your ex-girlfriend's house. That truck sucks. I'll tell you what the truck will do. It'll drive you crazy. Okay, long legs. All right, long legs. She drives me crazy. Find you in Campbell's fan as well. Like no one else.

Actually, the first time I heard that was on Muppets Unplugged. Oh, so you heard the good version. And it's Kermit and Piggy and he goes, She drives me crazy. And then Piggy goes, These are good impressions, long legs. Yeah, long legs are good at impressions. I have a lot of time on my hands carving dolls

and playing top spin. You do Malaney? Huh, that's funny. Hey, you, what are you doing now? You've got to be what, 13? Very specific cut from Malaney's latest special you say you have a lot of time on your hands but it takes you so long to make a doll why don't you just like spend more of your time making these dolls making a doll

should only take a week right right first of all you should have the parts already to my think he's get my think he's get all cut up and splintered if I try to carve and whittle for too long. And then how am I going to play my topspin? What is topspin? Is that even a sport? What is it? It's tennis.

Topspin is the type of way you hit the ball. You want to hit a ball with an upspin. All right, I don't care. But it bounces faster. Someone's not watching the US Open. Anti-American! It's the US Open. That's the one anyone can play in?

No. It's open. Yeah, but it's open. That means that's the one anyone can play in? No. It's open. Yeah, but it's open. That means it's hard to get into. Wait, it's harder to get into when it's open? I guess. Yes. Yeah, US closed, anybody could, any of us could walk in.

Cause it's closed, everyone could. It's closed, everyone's welcome. Open? Oh, that's hard. So tell me about this Cybertruck, do you order it direct from? It's great, I got a new skin for it. What's the skin?

It's just dolls, just wooden dolls. Well, I gotta see you on the road. Did you make those dolls? I carved the dolls. I took the photos. I took it in to get wrapped after I, I was on a wait list for about eight months to get my Cybertruck.

And then once it came in, I took it straight to the, to the auto body shop and had them wrap it. Okay. And how many times has it broken down at this point? Oh, what's today? It's Monday, I believe. I would say on an average, it probably breaks down every four to five days.

Four to five days. Yes, it's an imperfect vehicle, but I'm an imperfect creature. Why'd you get so excited about that? I felt like there was a lull of energy in the last one or two. All right, all right, all right, all right. I wonder if this episode is pleasant to listen to.

I can't quite tell. It's like, you know how long legs your avatar was only in the movie during parts of it, because there's only so much you could really. Oh, yes. was only in the movie like during parts of it. Cause there's only so much you could really. Yes. I mean, it's been 48 minutes so far. Yeah, this podcast definitely has more long legs than the movie long legs.

So your car, the Cybertruck is, you parked it outside here? I love it, yeah, yeah. I had, it's self parking. So who knows where it outside? I love it yeah yeah I had I did self parking so who knows where it ended up. Is it self parking? I think so. You press the button and it goes like this? Yeah yeah well I press the button but I never wait to see where it ends up. You just jumped out of the car? I'm a busy guy Scott! Doesn't sound like you're that busy playing so much topspin. Yeah, that's busy. I'm doing something. What is your definition of, of, of what,

what qualifies as something like worthy enough to keep you working and spending time with family, not your hobbies. Oh, I spend time with family. The farmer's market. Oh, that's right. Yes. Where do you live by the way? It seemed wintery or you're in LA. Yeah, I'm just over there. Oh my God. I didn't know you were a neighbor. Why'd you take your cyber truck here? My development money I cashed out of Northern Oregon and you know, wanted to be close during development, during to read all the different drafts. And so sure, I got a place. You don't have to be close to read drafts.

This is pre pandemic. It's been in the works for a while. I didn't know you could zoom from home. That's true. Zoom wasn't popularized until the pandemic. That's back when I was Skyping. That's true. That's a good point. On legs, that's a good point. Skype really dropped the ball in the pandemic.

Didn't they really? Well, they had such a head start on Zoom and then- Are you singing Axel F? Axel F. Axel F. Axel F. What was the sound that Skype made when you were signing up? OK, sounds too close to Axel F. See the new Beverly Hills Cop movie?

I haven't seen it because I heard he dropped the laugh. And for me, you only show up for the laugh. That's like you long legs. Yeah, I said he dropped the laugh and for me you only show up for the laugh. That's like you, Long Legs. Yep, I said. He dropped the laugh? Yeah, he doesn't really do the whole, he doesn't do the laugh. You gotta know what people are gonna see. You saw it? Yeah, I saw it. And what'd you think? It's fine. I don't remember any of it. Yeah. But I don't remember anything of anything anymore. Isn't that tough? I don't remember anything of anything. You know, like I saw Deadpool and Wolverine the other day, I don't remember any of it. I like that one. I think, spoiler for you.

Channing. Yeah, Channing Tatum was in that. Yeah, yeah. Here they are, gonna come on down here and stop on me and I'll make a big old name on myself. He did that in the cage and I was like, okay. That's fun.

You do a lot of impressions. I didn't remember, I never read Gambit in the comics as the firefly from Princess and the Frog, but okay. Princess and the Frog. I was waiting for him to say, don't make me lap my butt. Never seen it. You got to come on, Scott hasn't seen Long Legs. Yeah.

Talk about Princess and the Frog. I would love to. I always pick the best movies. You've never been on them. No, no. Of course not. I would love to. Just to clarify, you'd love to come on.

No. Yeah, what other impressions do you do long legs? You seem to, yeah, you're very talented. Yeah. Well, you know, I have a deep bench of X-Men characters because I don't know about you, Scott, but I loved X-Men 97. Oh yeah.

It's doing great. I thought it was great. So good. They're tackling the Genosha destruction. Yes. Yes. All that kind of stuff. Yeah, of course.

Yep. Got younger generations into it too. They're all about it. So we're going back. True fact, I have a friend who has daughters. Why do you keep saying true fact like the rest of what you're saying is not true? Because I'm just... Yeah.

They say I have a friend who has daughters as if it's like a big, you won't believe this. Incredible. This is true. I have a friend who has daughters. As someone who carves dolls and works farmers markets and eats trash, I'm just trying to relate to a couple of dudes around a podcast table. And you're a Hollywood producer, by the way, giving notes on drafts. That's true. Rachel drafts.

Okay, that's not a thing, but go ahead. It's the way we've detoured too much, but we bought a fish and named it Jubilee. Is the end of that story. So the friend was you with daughters? What? No, I'm long legs. Oh, friend was you with daughters? What? No, I'm long legs. Oh, that's right, you're long legs. Well guys, we have something that we have to do

here on the show. It's one of our favorite features and we do it every single work, every single work on the show? Every single work. Every single busy. Every doesn't count playing video games. That's right, but it's time for a little something we call Would You Rather?

I of Thundara, give me sight beyond sight! Who's that, Longlegs? That's Lionel. From Thundercats! Thundercats. That's what this music reminds me of! Thundercats, ho. Ho!

That's one of the rap lyrics I put inside the Drake doll. Hey, hey, hey, ho! Did you say ho? Ho? Hey, hey, hey, ho. Did you say ho? Ho? That's Thundercats ho. We don't call people hoes. It does sound like it's Thundercats ho. You call Thundercats hoes.

You Thundercats ho? Thundercats ho. It does sound like Thundercats music. All right, it's time to play Would You Rather. We all know how this is played. People send us Would You Rather scenarios to our Twitter or X as they call them now. Gonna give it to you.

And that is CBBWYR, comedy bang bang Would You Rather. And then every week we read these scenarios on the show and then I'll read it out loud. I'll then open the floor for questions. You are then free to ask me any question you like about in order to help narrow down your choice. Yeah, sure. You know, like what about this?

What about this? Sure. At a certain point, the floor will be closed. There will be no questions asked after that. Does that mean it's open? Are these tennis rules? Yeah. Much like the US open?

Yeah, if the floor is open. Yeah, the tennis rules are like open house like the US open? Yeah, when the floor is open. Yeah, is it tennis rules or like open house rules? It's open house rules. I'm not gonna say cookies or anything. Open's open. Yes, when it's open, it's open. And then you're gonna vote, we'll tally up the points

and we'll decide who wins. All right, how's that sound? Got it. Here we go. All right. And Avocado Skeptic writes to us approximately a year and a half ago and asks, would you rather be the least appreciated member of the Blue Man Group or get a notification

every time a corona gets its lime? Would you rather be the least appreciated member of the Blue Man Group or get a notification every time a corona gets its lime? I'm opening the floor for questions. What do you think Trump's chances are? Diminishing every day, I think. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long... Oh, long legs.

Long legs, you're a Democrat. Oh, I'm hardcore liberal. Really? I'm basically Satanic pagan. Yeah, it's true. I guess that is pretty left wing. All right, so yeah, that's a great question. Left wing is my other hot one's true. I guess that is pretty left wing. All right. So, yeah, that's a great question. Left wing is my other hot ones. Flavoured.

That's right. And you're ranking spoil sport and left wing. Yeah. Well, we're members. President Joe Biden choked on his left wing hot sauce in his final appearance of hot ones. And died right before the inauguration of the next president. Any questions? So you're you're getting an alert on your phone every time a corona gets this live,

you can't turn that alert off. You're not getting an alert on your phone, you're getting a notification. Someone's coming to your house and telling you. Someone's coming to my house, ringing the doorbell and being- Telling you, yeah. And you are not allowed not to take those notifications.

What if I'm not at home? They're gonna follow you wherever you are. So you're on stage doing one of your famous standup acts, which I, from what I understand you doing 13 or 14 times this year. Yeah, I'm doing this again. So like if it happened during a show and I would just have to sit here and let them in. And what did they say? What did they say?

They say, uh, Camille, Corona just got its lime. Thanks. Yep. And you have to thank them. Good. I'm glad that you're doing that. So, so then the only way to combat it would be to convince everyone that. To stop.

Putting limes. Using limes. Yeah. To use other citrus perhaps. Yeah. I mean, other lemon, lemon. I don't think it's such a, it's, it's pretty lateral. So you could put that into your, into your shows.

You could do PSAs for not putting limes and coronas. What's the other thing? The other thing is be the least appreciated member of the Blue Man group. Now, are you just least appreciated as a member or are you least appreciated in your life? This is a good question. Yes. No, you're least appreciated by every single person you know. So they have rankings of every person that they've ever met and

you're down at the bottom. So for instance, true story, Jason Sudeikis once auditioned and trained for the Blue Man group and didn't make it, which technically would make him one of the least appreciated members of Blue Man group or like, you know, part of the membership. I think it would make him not a member. Yeah. Or like David Cross's character from Arrested Development. Anyone that has had blue makeup on them they are technically considered part of the group. But the lack of the appreciation is not just like

you're not a good blue man, you're not good at anything. And everyone who knows you hates you the most. Yeah. Everyone who knows you hates you the most. Yes. So every single person in your life hates you the most out of anyone they've ever met. And it's like everyone who's ever been in the Blue Man Group, you're worse than all of them. Yeah. Well, no, you're actually the best at being the Blue Man Group. No, but in life you're-

In life, everyone hates you. But you're the best member of the Blue Man Group. Now, if you think about it, Blue Man Group, it's all over the world. So there's got to be hundreds, if not thousands of members, right? And you're the worst appreciated out of all of us. You're the least appreciated but human that happens to be a Blue Man Group member. Yes, exactly. Thank you, Long Legs. Thank you.

Yeah. Well, I think obviously you got to take- Don't vote yet. Okay. Don't vote yet, Long Legs. Oh, sorry, we're not closed yet. Even middle of the night, the corona people are showing up. Oh, the middle of the night, yeah, any time of day. I mean, obviously, like, the middle of the night here,

people are drinking coronas everywhere. Somewhere, it's five o'clock somewhere. I don't know why. What is the punishment for a body's natural fatigue? This is just... What do you mean? Well, obviously rules is rules. You want to honor the premise, but a human has to fall asleep.

A human can only go so long before their body will fall asleep and collapse or become ill. So what are you trying to say? You're trying to say that- What is the punishment? Do people shake you awake? Oh yeah, of course. And if you are then induced into some kind of coma from which you cannot be awoken, does it just go on pause?

No, this is the good part about it. Or do you cease to exist? If you're ever put into a coma, this will wake you up out of the coma. So it's the one good part. Okay, so there's... The anti-coma corona curse. So it's the opposite of the corona. This is the good coronavirus in a way. All right, I'm closing the floor for questions.

Oh my God. Yeah, we're gonna have to vote with just the little information that we have. Let's go over here to Kamel. Would you rather be the least appreciated member of the Blue Man Group or get a notification every single time a corona gets its lime? I think I'm gonna go with getting a notification every single time a corona gets its lime. I think I'm going to go with getting a notification every single time a corona gets its lime.

Why is that? I love meeting people. Yeah, and it would suck to know that you're the person that they hate the most. Yeah, I don't want to be the person that they hate the most. And then, you know, this person, this notifier was coming in, maybe, you know, a different person every time, or, you know, I could head it off with those people. Yeah, exactly. All right. Good, good reasoning. All right. Long legs. What do you think? I think I agree with Kumail. I think I'm going the way of the lime, but then, um, what's the big, uh,

the farmers hate the people? Statue of Liberty? Yeah. What is that? Sorry. Did you close the floor for questions? uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I would, I would, Oh, Monsanto. Monsanto. I would get a job there and I would become a chemist and I'd learn how to design some sort of bacterial thing that would destroy the limes, create a Lyme coronavirus. Yes. But not for Lyme's too, for Corona sipping,

a virus that creates a form of corona that only affects lines Eliminating them from planet earth Good falsetto. Yeah, he can really bring it. Amazing. Well, let's tally up the points. Let's see, that's one vote for Corona, one vote for Corona.

Oh, you're tied. Wow, you know what that means. We gotta ask another question. Let's do it. All right, here we go. Here we go. Eye of Thundara, give me sight beyond sight! Oh, Snarf! Oh, Lionel! I hope that there's a time-breaker in this next question!

I hope so too, Snarf! What about you, Wile E. Kitt? Yeah! Whatever Kumail answers, I just answer the opposite! So then you don't have to answer another question! Oh, meh! And you, Panthero? Yeah, do Panthero. No, no, no, no.

No, I don't think that's a good idea! I think you should do Panthero. No, no, no! You should do Panthero. Please! Oh no! Panthero's sleeping! Oh no! Why would you... Why does that merit a no-no? We can't hear his answer.

Thunder thunder thunder cuts. Oh all right it's time to play our bonus round of would you rather. Uh this comes to us from oh my gosh long legs this comes to us from leg oh my gosh, long legs. This comes to us from Legbeard. Oh, I know Legbeard. You know Legbeard? I sure do. You know all the leg people? Oh yeah, yeah, we've got a Reddit thread. Oh, do you know like Daddy Longlegs? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, very well. Who's Daddy Longlegs?

I know every Daddy Longlegs there is. This comes to us from Legbeard. It's, would you rather have fingers that grow along your jaw like a beard or a small face on your thigh? Oh, okay. Would you rather have fingers that grow along your jaw like a beard or a small face on your thigh? I'm opening the floor for questions. Do you also have a normal face on your face? Or is that where your face is? That's where your actual face is.

Your face is on your thigh. So or is that where your face is? That's where your actual face is. Your face is on your thighs. Yes. So what's on where the face is? You just look like the Madonna character from Dick Tracy. The blank. Blank face. Blank face. The Madonna character. I don't think she plays Madonna. Spoiler alert! Did she play Madonna? Yeah. Madonna is the no face. Is blank face? I just saw this for my other show. It's no face, isn't it? No face. Yeah, something like that. I saw it for my other show. I did not retain that information't it? No face. Yeah, something like that. I saw it for my other show. I did not retain that impression. Sooner or later. Sooner or later, you're gonna be mine.

It's on time, right? Puck. That's a puck. That's a puck. Oh, you're doing Al Pacino right now. I want that Tracy. That! Big boy.

The beginning of that impression was silent, by the way, but just physical for us. There was lip smacking. If you listen back by the way, but just physical for us. No, no, no, no, there was lip smacking. There was. If you listen back to the tape, I made sure. I'm done. There's a bug. There's a bug. There's a bug.

Um. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, so you're just kind of. Big boy did it. Big boy did it. Dustin Hoffman? Yep. You do have a fingerprint on your,

on what is your face, so, a giant fingerprint, so. It's a fingerprint. Yeah. So you can unlock your phone without So a giant fingerprint. So. It's a fingerprint. Yeah. So you can unlock your phone without taking off your pants? Yes. Thank you. Long legs. I just wouldn't be able to unlock my phone without taking off my pants. Off my pants once.

Oh, that's the worst part. You think there'd be other, you need a hole to see. There are other downsides, but few lower than having to take your pants off to unlock your phone. But that does bring up an interesting point. You primarily need to wear shorts in this scenario. So you can see. So you can see, yeah. Because there aren't a lot of jeans that have holes in them unless they're acid wash, of course. But I guess you could create the reverse so fine jeans, you know, the Rhino Neal movie. So the second choice is really good for like a big hair metal band from the 80s. Sure. With the shredded jeans. Shredded jeans, yeah. Then the fingers that grow along your jaw

like a beard. Can you shave them like your beard? Yes, otherwise they grow too long. So you shave them. Long fingers? Yes, otherwise they grow too long. So you shave them. Long fingers? All right, long legs. You're not long fingers, you're long legs. All right, there's confusion in your branding, long legs. I know.

So you have to shave them, but they- Does it hurt like cutting off- It hurts like cutting off fingers. It hurts like cutting off fingers from your face. Yeah, and you have to save them in like an ice bucket. Why? Every day, because then you have to reattach them. Why do you have to reattach them?

Otherwise they won't grow back. You don't want them to grow back, right? Sure you do. You want the fingers on your face? Yes, you... part of the scenario is you want the fingers on your face. Can you get laser treatment as some do for beards or hair removal? Can you do laser fingers? Because this brings up an interesting point. You do? This brings up an interesting point. This is an interesting point. You could, but you want the fingers on your face. Oh. That's part of the scenario.

Oh, I see. You want them there. I see. So in that one, which is that we're also getting a brain that likes it. Yes. Oh. Is there a limit to the length of that the fingers grow? Like does it get to like ZZ Top and then it just stays there?

Or if you don't shave them, they like you're tripping over your beard fingers. Every day, uh, you measure ZZ Top's beards and if it grows even a millimeter longer than that, you shave them off. Yes. And then you have to clip the fingernails on your fingers. So we have constant access to ZZ Top. Yes. That's a plus.

That is a plus. That's the coma breaker of this scenario. And by the way, they have the eliminator there. They're able to just like do that little thing and it just appears with all the women in it. They just swing their finger and that's how it shaves off the fingers of your beard. Exactly.

They just don't clip their fingernails and they swing it fast enough and they slice the fingers from your jawline? Exactly. And then you hop in the eliminator. What can't you do? I know. Dusty. The other two. Does it go crazy as a man with fingers going off his jaw? She drives me crazy. Okay, now I'm doing you. All right, I'm closing the floor for questions. I'm closing the floor for questions. It's beard fingers and- Beard fingers and- Face on thigh.

Face on thigh. I'm gonna go to Kamel first. Well, I gotta go with beard fingers because you said it also comes with a brain that likes that. Yes. And I guess I could get into ZZ Top so I could be excited to meet them all the time. Yeah, and having a brain that likes something that other

people find is a detriment, that's fine. Yeah, who cares what other people think. Yeah. All right, long legs, what do you think? I'm a little torn to be honest, because I agree with the logic of Kumail's answer and also, you know, ZZ Top and just think of the cunnilingus. Do I have to? Yeah. Yeah. Take five seconds. Picture yourself.

I'm trying to picture. Picture yourself performing. This is the first time we've ever taken a moment of silence on this. That's interesting. You're performing cunnilingus on a beloved male or female. Sure. And you got ticklers at the ready. Right down there.

Right there. Kind of doing all the work for you. So if anything, Cunnilingus becomes this. You just rest your chin. You're like, how's your day? What you thinking? Is that pretty good? Sort of like when you go to the dentist.

Hey, what kind of food do you want to order after this? You get teeth whitening? Oh my God, did we move over the laundry? No, I'll do it after you're done I mean, this is a good point. So is this what you're voting for? Okay. Yeah now you're doing The john travolta saturday night fever point. That's a good point. That is a good point But my answer is i'm taking the tiny face on the thigh Because guys As we all know

I'm long legs. Oh, show them now. So it's a normal face on a thigh. She's got legs. Okay, long legs. Long legs. Out of anyone, you should be branded with ZZ Top. ZZ Top should sponsor you. He knows how to use them.

I sure do. I carve dolls and I put little balls in their brain and I deliver them to house. Actually, I don't do the delivering of the dolls. I find a woman to do it for me. I don't exactly know why. It's a convoluted plan. Spoilers for long legs.

So, a lot going on. All right, well, let's tally up the points. Let's see, Kamel, you voted for the beard. That gets you one point. And long legs, you voted for the small face on your thigh. That gets you half a point. Ooh. Let me, so it goes one to one half.

Oh, Kamel, you're the winner. All right, sorry, long legs. That's all right, congratulations on your one long leg and a bent knee rating. That's of course how we play, would you rather... Thundercast! Petro, you're awake! Yeah, he's awake.

Petro woke up. Let's talk to him. Oh no! Mamra has suffocated you! Yes! Yes! Alright, what a game. That was gripping. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right, what a game. That was gripping. Oh my God.

So was this. It's gripping. I stopped that long legs. This is not a Zucker Brothers production. You said no rules. That's on me. That is on me. All right, well guys,

we're coming up here on the end of the show. We only have time for one final feature and that is of course a little something called Plugs. Plugs. I'm searching for it! You mentioned a plug back and then maybe we can remix this. Man, that was beautiful. Wow, that was CBB All-Star Quintet by Wow Machine Radio. That was beautiful.

That's what they said on the thing. All right, what do we plug in? Kumail, obviously we have the Doing This Again Tour. Yeah, go to my Linktree, Kumail Nanjiani, 13th, 14th, September. What else is on that Linktree? Phoenix. I think it's just this. OnlyFans? It's just this. Yes, my OnlyFans is on there. My ManyVids is on there.

That's just years in Bo De Mayo's. What I love about OnlyFans is it's only for fans. Yeah, it's not for like just people who are traveling through. It's like the US open of websites. Exactly. I have my many vids, which is just for my hardcore content. Right. And we have Only Murders in the Building, which is out on Tuesdays.

Is that right? Yeah, I start show up in the, I'm in it from episode three on. So this tomorrow, I believe. I think that's episode... I think tomorrow, yes. Yes, that's right. Yes, so I'll be... I'll show up in tomorrow's episode. Yeah, this is exciting.

Yeah, I mean, you know. Holy shit. You play a neighbor from what I'm told. Steve Martin, Martin Short. Yeah, how was that hanging out with them? They're the best. They're amazing. Yeah.

They're truly wonderful. I saw them at the Hollywood Bowl. Was it similar to that experience? They are always on at it. Meaning me watching them? Yeah, I did watch them like that with 3,000 other people. Good. Very crowded cast room.

I'm surprised I wasn't on the cast because it's a real murderer's row. Our long legs. Long legs. Now you're asleep. Much like who was that? Panthro. Panthro. Hey, Panthro woke up. I just remembered I left Panthro home alone. Panthro!

He's doing the home alone face, the hands on the side. A lot of what you're doing is physical today, Long Legs. You should have a YouTube page where you show videos. Speaking of which, Long Legs, what do you wanna plug? I hear there's a wonderful new show coming out on ABC called High Potential starring Caitlin Olson. Check it out.

I've seen this. Now, this is where she's like, this is like a Goodwill hunting type show, where she's like some dumb asshole who works at this place. And then she writes down on the blackboard, much like Goodwill Hunting solved that equation, she writes down on the blackboard like, hey idiots, the murderer is this person.

And then they're all like, who the fuck is this? And then they figure out it's her, and then they hire her to solve crimes for them. So don't watch, I guess, because it's all been explained to you. But that's exactly right. She has a high potential intellect. Right. And she is hired as a consultant for the Los Angeles Police Department to solve weekly murders. And why are you bringing that out? Why are you bringing that out? I love Caitlin Olson. She's a huge fan. One of the

greats. It's always Sonny. A stellar cast. What are some of the other characters? Well, you've got all the police office people who I don't think I've got my hands on one of those call sheets. But back home, she hires her ex, who's the baby daddy of her two younger kids, to look after the kids while she's solving crimes. And I think that that's played by the star of brother nature. Oh, well, Bobby Moynihan's in it. The second built star of brother nature. Why can't this guy like hold on to Caitlin Olsen? What's wrong? Why is he an ex-husband? He's a little hapless.

He's a little he's a little earnest and meaning well, but not as sharp. She's she's she's pretty sharp. I don't like the path lane. He's a bummer. Heard of well, but not as sharp. She's she's she's pretty sharp. I don't like the pathway. No, he's a bummer. Heard of gold, but dumb as a brick. Yeah, we don't like it. Let's shove this guy out of the show. Fire him. Fire him then.

Fire him. Sure. Why not? I want I want a character who's like exciting and can keep a woman. Yeah. You know, why do we want you guy? I'll keep a woman like a little. Well, I guess we were in the contract negotiations, and that's why this character got seven out of 13, P.O.S. Is that true? Yes.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Well, I want... True story. True story. I want to plug the Comedy Bang Bang Tour is still continuing. We're in the home stretch. We have one more week of UK shows tonight.

September 9th, we're in Bristol. September 10th and 11th, we're in Dublin. September 12th in Manchester. And then we have some East Coast shows in October. We have Montreal on October 16th, Troy, New York, October 17th, New Haven, Connecticut, October 18th, Tarrytown, New York, October 16th, Troy, New York, October 17th, New Haven, Connecticut, October 18th, Tarrytown, New York, October 20th, and Red Bank, New Jersey, October 21st. Come out and see those shows.

I didn't know you could say dates. Can I say dates, too? Yeah, say dates. Watch this. September 13th and 14th in Phoenix, September 20th in Washington, D.C. That's two shows. September 21st, Philadelphia, October 4th, Atlanta, October 26th, Austin, November 15th, Madison, November 16th, Minneapolis, November 30th, Seattle. I'm running out of steam. Yeah. You're the one who wanted to say these dates. December 1st, Portland. But you know how to say them. That's the first time I've said them.

And March 13th, if it's your birthday. Are you playing a show on March 13th? I want to, should I not? I'll make sure to make you a doll. Okay. With some extra picket line jokes and a little ball inside its brain. And get someone to give it to me for some reason.

Can we not provide sunblock for these people? You know, we're so well organized. And yet you gotta bring your own umbrella. I got one side for an umbrella, one side for my picket side, and then I don't have a third hand for my science DVD copy. Wouldn't that be great if we had three arms and hands? If I had my jaw beard, my jaw beard fingies. You can get my dates over at CBBworld.com slash tour.

Where can you get your dates? Just my Linktree. Your Linktree, of course. Kumail Nanjiani. But you want to come see those shows with us. It's Paul F. Tompkins, myself and the CBB All-Stars. These are the about the last shows we're doing for this tour. So we may have one other show coming at the end of the year, but you're going to want to see these because we're wrapping it up. And of

course, if you want to hear all of those shows, go over to CBB World and our Maximus subscribers can listen to all of those shows as we do them. They go up the next day. And so many great shows over there, Who Me With The Batman, we have Hey Randy and College Town Neighborhood Listen, Scott Hasn't Seen, where we see things like Pitch Black and-

Oh. Garbage Pail Kids. Garbage Pail Kids, of course. Go over there to CBBWorld.com and get us a picture and uh... Garbage Pail Kids! Garbage Pail Kids, of course! Go over there to CBBWorld.com and get a subscribership. You'll be glad you did. Alright, let's close up the flood, cause it's time to open it up Like another day, a little day, we open up the head

And now here we are with the flood I wanna hear all your blood, now's the time to Pantro, it's you! Ha you move in the freaky blowback. Give me back my sword, panthro! That's not your place! He's considering doing it. I can see your eyes are weighing whether you should or not. That was Close the Plug Bag,

the final battle remix by Rudd Rude. That slaps! That was great, thank you so much. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload it. And guys, I wanna thank you so much. Kumail, so great to have you back. Thanks for having me.

Loved having you and long legs. Long Scott. What? I can loop you into the WhatsApp chat. I would love that, I mean. You'll be known as Long Scott. Long Scott. Oh, have we got surprises for you. Okay, surprises like. I mean, you'll be known as Long Scott. Long Scott? Have we got surprises for you?

Okay, surprises like, I mean, I guess you couldn't tell me it wouldn't be a surprise. Well... No, I can't tell you. Oh, okay, great. Well, I'll just show up then. It's so great to see you. So good to see you too. And you should live down the street. We should hang out. I live right the street right there right there you're my next door neighbor well no no no no right there follow follow the point oh okay oh that's a good not a good point i made a bad point see you next time thanks bye