Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Langston Kerman, Will Hines, Ronnie Adrian

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

Comedian and actor Langston Kerman joins Scott to talk about his new Netflix comedy special Bad Poetry, how John Mulaney got involved to direct it, and what role he would play in John Wick. Then, Sci-Fi writer Alan Freeman stops by to talk about his new series of books. Plus, Kilgorious Van Helsing drops by to talk about his synthetic blood business. Get tickets for the Comedy Bang! Bang! Into Your Mouth Tour 2024 over at https://CBBWorld.com/tour

Comedy Bang Bang! Murdered my family once, comedy bang bang. Murdered my family once, shame on me. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Dantastique, Dantastique for that catchphrase submission. And well, we hope that's not happening to you out there in podcast land, your families are safe and sound. My name is Scott Aukerman.

We have a wonderful show coming up a little later. We have a science fiction writer. This is very exciting. I don't believe it's Worsen Scott Card or who's that guy who did iRobot? Please don't joke about iRobot, especially not in the holidays. But we have a sci-fi writer coming up.

We also have a scientist. Wow, a lot of science based. One takes science and turns it into fiction. One takes science and turns it into fact. That'll be coming up a little later on the show, but before we get to them, sounds like a very dry show, maybe a boring show, honestly, but-

Yeah, this sucks so far, if I'm being honest with you. Well, I mean, now you're critiquing my performance. I didn't like the original read. I don't like how you're explaining it. Okay, all right, let me do take two. Hey, everybody! Before we get to them,

finally some levity, because before we get to those two, honestly zeros coming up. Yeah. We have a wonderful comedian. He and I go way back with each other to when you first moved to LA, I don't know. I think it was before LA.

Before you'd even moved here. Yeah, I was still living in New York City when it all, when we all came together. We did an MTV pilot. Nailed it. Nailed it, never got officially ordered to series. I don't even know if they finished editing it. They did, they did, they did. But, and then we segued from that

into working on the Oscars together. That's right. Where neither of us really got anything on. You more than me. I got the wording of one joke on. But he is a wonderful standup comedian and actor, and he has an incredible new standup special on Netflix coming out August 20th. It's called Bad poetry. Please welcome Langston Kerman. Yeah

He's firing real guns in the air, how did you get him to sound like that? Cuz normally they're big big bang. This is a silencers Langston great to have you on anytime. I have you on the show, people think it's, when I put your Instagram handle on, people assume it's me doing one of my fake names on the TV show, they go, Lang Stonkerman. Oh. But it's Langston Kirk.

They're like, this is too stupid of a name to be, to be a legit person. And unfortunately folks, I'm real. Yeah, how long have you been a real boy, by the way? Because I know you were telling me for a while that you grew up not a wooden puppet, but like sort of a vinyl. It's a fine cloth.

Oh, okay, yeah. And my papa made a wish and- What was the wish, if you don't mind me asking? Does this tie into your story at all? I think he was just deeply lonely. It was less about a real boy as much as it was just give me some companionship. And yeah, have they made a Pinocchio, uh, uh, movie where it's a sex doll and then they make a wish and I guess that would be not yet, but I think we're progressing.

What page are you on on the screenplay? If you're in the eighties, you're in the home stretch. If you're in the tens, I don't know if this thing is happening. It might not happen. We might not make it through. You ever stall out on a script around page 10? You're just like, oh, it's probably because this doesn't need to be a movie. I've stalled out in the outline more than anything where you're like, oh boy, this second

act really isn't resolving itself very quickly. Second acts are hard. Why bother? I say cut straight to the third. You know what I mean? That's where all the fun stuff is. The first stuff, it's like, everyone loves first acts because it's like setting up and world building

and all this stuff. Second acts are such a fucking drag. You know, that's what makes those John Wick movies so cool is they do just cut the second act. They're like- Yeah, it's all third act. It's set up and then he just shoots people for 40 minutes and then he cries and then he shoots some more people. I think you should be in the John Wickeverse.

I like that. Yeah. Let's do that. Just like some dumb shoot who gets shot in the head right away. Oh. Okay. Well, we had very different visions for my participation. Oh, really? What did you think of it? I don't know. I thought I'd get to wear a cool suit and shoot back. Well, you can wear a cool suit right now. You don't need to be invading the John Wickerverse to do that. I just get shot in the head. Boom.

Hey, excuse me. Whose credit card do I have? He's just a meaner John Wick now. He didn't give a fuck who he kills. Langston, tell me about the special. You, is this your first special or is it? It's my first hour special. That's incredible.

Yeah, it's fine. 60 minutes? 52, 53, something like that. What if, see, I don't like that. You don't like that. What if the show 60 minutes came out one week and was just like, we only did 52 this week. That's right.

You know what I mean? It's like, guys. Do you think that's where the Andy Rooney contribution sort of lived? I think so. Honestly, since he passed away, I think they've been like, how do we stretch this shit into 60?

We need a humorist. Oh, you should be on the new 60 Minutes. I like that. Yeah, some should be on the new 60 minutes. I like that. Yeah, some dumb shit gets shot in the head by Leslie Stahl. So tell me about the special, it's called Bad Poetry. And it's your first hour. That's right.

And it's on Netflix. We shot it in Chicago. In Chicago. Yeah, at the Green Mill. And surely whoever directed it must be some anonymous no-name person. I got bad news, Scott. Oh no. He's pretty famous.

Oh no. He's a pretty big guy. No. Who is this? His name is John Mulaney. Oh, wow. And this is his first foray into directing specials. So this is a big deal.

Oh, into directing specials. I don't know that he's, I mean, maybe he's got some shorts out there. I don't give a fuck. We're talking specials here. I want to see those shorts. So he directed your special. How did this happen? It's a very odd story.

I cold emailed him one day. Did he know who you were? We had a little bit of a rapport because he was a big fan of this show, Bust Down. Yes, Bust Down, which we talked about on a previous episode of this show. Nobody else talked about it and that's why it's canceled. But, oh dear. And I went to the premiere. You did.

And that was a huge help, I'd say. Wasn't really. That was that big bump that we needed was you at the premiere. Chris, what Chris did tell me that he was looking over at me the entire time while I was watching it, wondering if I was going to laugh at any of the jokes. I was like, what do you care? He's like, no, we all love it when Papa likes what we do. I was like, all right.

Um, but, uh, he loved bus down and then I reached out to him knowing he sort of had this production company where he was doing various projects and said I had a thing that I'd been working on and then he didn't reply for months and then he did reply and it was good news. Why those months though? Quiet. Very quiet. Did you figure, and this is what I have whenever I email someone and they don't get back to

me, for a long time I'd go, no, they hate me now. Yeah. Well, I've irritated them. The nice thing about, and I'm sure your personality is the same, is it only takes a few hours for that to kick in. Oh, well, I fucked up emailing that person. Okay, well, I won't go to the clubs anytime they're there. And I suppose that can be a life. time they're there and I suppose that can be a life. So, two months later, does he say, oh, apologies, I was mulling this over for two months?

No, he just said, I'd love to. He said I'd be very into this and that was all I needed. I had to speak to my clergy person, I needed to discuss with my family. I talked to my council. Yes, we've all come to the decision. I had to speak to my clergy person. I need to discuss with my family. My counsel. Yes, we've all come to the decision. I can direct this. My consigliere feels that this is the right choice for you. So he says, yeah, we want to do it, but I also want to direct. Is that? No, that came later. He was like, I'd love to produce it. And then, and then as I got closer to the date and was starting to think about. Maybe he just needed to file all those like

You know all the all the paperwork to be incorporated for his business. That's right He immediately just on the man I want to do this but I It wouldn't be proven to email it back until all the proper paperwork is done. Yeah, I He eventually was very excited to volunteer his services as a director. I'm no fool. I took him immediately. So what do you got close up medium shot and wide? Yeah, and I think there's it's a five camera. Okay, so then one on the audience one roving on the audience.

We didn't do audience. Oh, good. No audience. Nobody gives a fuck. I hate seeing the people in the audience. It's like it feels like you're trying to convince me that you're doing well in a way that we don't need. Also, like comedy audiences are generally pretty ugly. They're uggo. And if I, they're just such uggo's like put a bag over it. And I, and let me say my fans, especially ugly.

No, come on, like you're one of the most handsome people in comedy. I, I, I know you're a married man with a nice child that's around my child. Two children. Two now, yes. Yeah, as of a month ago. As of a month, oh, congrats, I haven't seen you since then. Thanks, yeah. But...

And there it goes too. Okay, yeah, but all I'm saying is I bet that you get a lot of ladies out there sitting there in the front row, kind of like doing the Harrison Ford writing messages on their on their eyelids, nature sleep mask. I didn't know which Harrison Ford we were going to talk about. You know, you know, that guy he played that guy who was like, he was like from he's from the middle of the country, like the flyover states, and he would go around and he'd like, go, go into caves and shit like that.

I got nothing here, Scott. Yeah. Uh, the fugitive. The fugitive. Oh, that one. Dr. Richard Kimball. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, so, uh, so let me, where are the other two cameras then? You got a close, you got a medium, you got a wide. And then you get a little bit of, uh, the, the side angles. Side angles. You get some, you know, I don't know, you got a wide. And then you get a little bit of the side angles. Side angles. You get some, you know, I don't know, 45 degrees in there. Hell yeah. Yeah. You really give them a taste of everything.

Man, so there's not a bad seat in the house when you're watching a special on Netflix. Not when you're watching the special. When we were shooting it, there were a few bad seats. It's a very small room and an odd, and an odd configuration. What room did you tape it in? The Green Mill. It's a cocktail lounge, most famous for, it was where Al Capone used to hang out. Oh, wow. I saw the movie about it where that guy's on death row and Tom Hanks is the prison

guard and- Different green. Different one? That's the Green Mile. Oh, oh, okay. I thought you were just pronouncing it mill. Michael Clarke Duncan. Yeah. I pronounced it the French way. The green me.

Me. Me. Me. Of course that's French folks, we all know. We all know. And did you shoot two, look, we're really getting in the weeds on how this is shot, but did you shoot two performances,

edit them together, or did you just use one? We shot two performances, edited them together. Seamlessly? What if you were wearing a different outfit? Both of them. That's what Beyonce did for her Coachella documentary. I grew a thick, thick mustache between shows, and you will be able to tell the difference.

It took about six months in between the shows. This is not economical. This doesn't make sense at all. Why'd you do this? And what do you cover in this special? Did you shoot it before your newborn? Before the newest child arrived. Uh, uh, so it's a lot of, it's a lot of parenting, but, but maybe

parenting with a little less perspective now than I even have. But, but I think it's more just about, uh, I think it's more just about, I think it's about just the big questions of the world. What does it mean to be a decent person and how do we pursue that as human beings? Wow. Okay. This sounds like a lot of meaty, rich material. Oh no, I talk about my penis quite a bit. Oh good. How is it by the way these days? It's fine.

From what I hear, you penis quite a bit. Oh good. How is it by the way these days? It's fine. When I hear you've used it twice. Well, this is very exciting, bad poetry on Netflix and did it wet your appetite? Do you want to make more specials then? Or are you out of the game? I'm not one of these guys who desperately wants to keep going all the time. There are some people, my friends, who like they immediately finish and they want to go back out on the road and are on the hunt to make the new hour and I don't give a fuck. Well, you have a newborn too. Are you out there... Are you one of these guys who's like, honey, gotta go travel and get all the material?

Not yet, but I won't let this kid hold me back at the when the time is right. I'll I'll abandon them for sure. Look, the kid's going to be an epo baby. OK, so they're already going to have all the advantages. May as well put some disadvantages. Where's daddy? Hey, isn't your dad the dude who got shot in the fucking face and John Wick? That's what they'll say. And he'll be like, hey, I don't want to talk about that.

I'm here to talk about my own project. Well, this is very exciting, Langston. I've been meaning, you know, I want to spend more time with you. We live relatively close to each other, but we only see each other during podcasts and one birthday party. Podcast season and of course one child's birthday party. But this will be like, I get to spend an hour with my buddy Langston. That's right. Yeah. I should make spend an hour with my buddy Langston. That's right. Yeah.

I should make us an hour special and send it to you. Just me, you know, wandering around the house. I'd like that. What do you think you do? Is that you think you're special? Would be just five cameras in different rooms. Are you going to address me specifically? Are you sure?

Why not? You're the only person that watches. Well, this is great. Bad Poetry on Netflix, August 20th. We need to get to our next guest. Yeah. And this is very exciting. Are you a fan of science fiction?

I'm such a fan that I sometimes shorten it and I call it sci-fi. Whoa. Yeah. Is that, are you expecting that to catch on? Should I also do the same or is that? I'm not sure. I spell it S Y F Y.

So, and I'm about to copyright that. So, but we have a sci-fi writer here. That's exciting. Yeah, it's very exciting. I know I said it wasn't exciting at the beginning, but that was just for laughs. We're putting on, well, I mean, we're putting on kind of a show right now. He's probably a Yeah, it's very, I know I said it wasn't exciting at the beginning, but that was just for laughs. We're putting on it. Well, I mean, we're putting on kind of a show right now. He's probably a dry, boring writer, but, uh, you know, we have a big stand-up comedian here

and a Hollywood TV actor and possibly movie actor, uh, where he dies very suddenly. Fingers crossed. But let's get to him. He is a sci-fi writer. Please welcome to the show, Alan Freeman. him. He is a sci-fi writer. Please welcome to the show Alan Freeman. Hello. Oh boy, here we go. Already. It's nice to be here, Scott. Thanks for accepting my request to appear on your show. I personally didn't do it. My producer put this together, but my producer said you had an interesting CV, as they say. I'd like to think so.

This is Langston, by the way. Langston Herman. Langston, how are you? My name is Alan. How are you, Alan? My name's Alan. Good to meet you. Good to see you.

Yeah. Have you ever seen stand-up comedy? Have I ever seen stand-up comedy before? Yes, I've seen stand-up comedy before. I think he took that question personally. Yeah. Just, I mean, like, any examples of it at all. I mean, I'm not an aficionado.

Well, you can't say, like, oh, yeah, I've seen stand-up comedy. I saw Seinfeld reruns. He would do it at the beginning and the end. That's not really like seeing Seionado. Well, you can't say like, oh yeah, I've seen standup comedy. I saw Seinfeld reruns. He would do it at the beginning of the end. That's not really. Yeah, that doesn't count. Okay. No, I've seen like actual, I've seen specials on television, I guess, as the prime.

What's your favorite one? If you don't mind, Richard Pryor live in concert. It's been a while since I've seen a special. Can you do some of those jokes for us right now? I think, let me bring him through my head. I I'd like them verbatim if you could. Is that possible? I think I'd be doing a disservice to Richard and myself if I did that.

Point taken, point taken. Well, it's wonderful to have you on the show. And I used to be a big fan of Johnny Carson. Okay. Not really a standup, but- From Lincoln, Nebraska. Is that right? Yeah.

Yeah, he has a big festival out there. Yeah, we gotta get Max back on the show. We gotta get Marks of Backstreet back on the show to talk about that festival. Well, I guess I've sort of let the cat out of the bag a little bit. I'm a bit of an older guy. Okay.

And I'm sort of trying to, with this appearance, Scott, kind of get my career going again. Oh, okay. I had a lot of books published, but it's been a while and I'm trying to sort of get back in that when was your heyday of you early 70s Okay mid 70s. I had a number of sci-fi books back when the industry There was just more books being published. Yeah, there was kind of a world where sci-fi books You'd see them just sort of in the airport with sort of lurid covers and there was almost, that's kind of gone now.

You consider them to be lurid. You didn't like these covers. I thought they were sort of in bad taste, yeah. Were they too naughty? What was it? The audience for sci-fi readers at that time was mostly young teenage boys. And so the covers would be sort of like guys with lasers and voluptuous alien women. Yeah. It seems like young teenage boys and then like older libertarians. Yes.

Yeah, that's right. With beer. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Well, you know what? This is kind of accurate if you think about it. I'm making fun of it, but it was my heyday. I had a real connection to those guys.

Probably my most famous book is the Quantum Soldiers series. Oh, that sounds so cool. I love, hey, I love that you're even these were soldiers who existed in more than one place at the same time. So they could fight multiple battles at the same time. But as they as they spread themselves out over the instances, they would get less substantial. So it was like a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy. And they'd be there. And so they had to, they couldn't push themselves too far, but sometimes

to get their mission, they'd have to be in so many places at once that they would risk all of existence. Would they be splitting their consciousnesses? That's right. And, oh, wow. So they, how, how difficult- They'd only have certain memories. So one would only remember being a teenager. One would only remember being in their twenties. Wow. So one of these soldiers would be like, I came out of my mother's womb at 20. Yes. It's like, that's all I remember. That's right. I

don't know if they would actually tie it to the womb so much, but yes, it could be. One of those soldiers only has memories of jacking off constantly. I guess so. Yes. Theoretically, they could choose to siphon off a version of themselves that only had the jacking off memories. But this is like Tony Hale where he doesn't have any memory before he was 12. Is that right? Yeah, isn't that strange? And Tony Hale is the person I should know? I'm trying to think if he was in Richard Pryor, Live on the Sunset Strip. He wasn't in Live on the...

Was he not in that? Live in Concert. Live in Concert, that's right. Veep. You know Veep? Love Veep. He plays the character in Veep. What does Veep mean to you?

Veep means a show that I watch with my wife and she's really into it and I sort of catch up on the days to doke. Okay. Okay, yeah. I mean, he was in it. I don't know that you would track. Well, I'm sure he's a great guy. Yeah.

Anyway. Glad to hear it. So you- He only remembers stuff after he was 12. Yeah. He basically is like a quantum soldier. He might be a quantum soldier out there. I mean-

There might be a Tony Hale Prime out there. He gets so much work, I wouldn't put it past him. Yeah, he's splitting, he's splitting something up. This man could be quantum. Yeah. This man could be quantum. See, that's it. And that's what makes great sci fi is there's a premise you have to buy into. That's right. But then everything else is pretty realistic of like, if that is true, what else? That is a great way

to put it. Wow. I'm going to write that down. You haven't thought about this? I haven't thought. I've never thought. I'm more of an instinctual writer. Oh, you're not packaging it And I don't outline I start with a moment. That's interesting and I just go and cool What how does quantum soldiers start quantum soldiers starts with two guys who are like hey Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Oh wow, and they realize they're the same person That's cool, man. They they had split and forgotten they were each other. Can you imagine walking down the street and then suddenly you're looking at yourself? Yeah.

And you have no memory of any of this? You know what's funny? That's the exact same way that Sister Sister started. Oh, right. It started in Tumeri. Tumeri. Was this before 1973, Sister Sister? It was after. Were they in Richard Pryor? They weren't in a concert with Richard Pryor either. I have to look into that. I have to look into that.

Yeah, they go out shopping with their separate parents and then they're at the same place and they're trying on the same outfit and they look. Do they assume it's a mirror at first? They assume it's the mirror. And they do the whole mirror exercise. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, you've got my face, I believe is. And were they revealed at some point to be quantum?

I don't know that. Maybe in the last time they got revealed at some point to be quantum? I don't know that, unfortunately, I think they got cancelled before. Maybe all twins are quantum? I don't know. Did your soldiers do the mirror thing? You know, the old, I love Lucy? Just like hold up their hands and do that? Yeah, hold up their hands and then- That doesn't translate well to prose novels. If you just sort of say one person waves their hand and the other one waves their hand in the same- I would love to see prose novels of I Love Lucy.

Yeah, that'd be pretty good. The chocolate. I didn't have that in there, but you know, if I ever bring the Quantum Soldiers back, if there's demand, fingers crossed, I would- How many books would you sell of all of your books? How many copies? I would, you'd sell, there were somewhat modest numbers. We'd sell a few hundred thousand copies. Whoa! Amazing. That's not modest at all. Okay, great Well in the in the book publishing world, actually, that's that's that's that's no that's you know

That's not like a clan of the cave bearers, but if I'm to understand you now, you're you're not doing the same numbers I haven't had anything published since 1979. Did you have a deal with a publisher? Yes that ran out Yes, I had to deal with quasar publishing which is a sci-fi imprint out of New Milford, Connecticut. Oh, okay. Contract ran out and... Had your books been declining in sales up to that point or? They had been a little bit.

They'd fallen off. Because it's so strange to sell those kinds of numbers and then just... Well, those are in my prime. By the late 70s, it was down to about 10,000 copies. Then I had one that was only 5,000 copies. What happened? Why did you start selling less and less and less? I guess I was out of touch. I guess I just... Did you keep writing, like, references to Richard Pryor, like, in concert into your... He did not factor into my work directly.

Maybe, hey, maybe I should have. You know, maybe I, you know, should have written some mud bone into the book and other Richard Friar characters would have taken off. I'd love to see a mud bone series out there. I have these books that I wrote toward the end of my career that I'm looking to bring back. And to be honest, I'm too old probably to write anything new, but I have these books on the shelf that I had written that I'm like, hey, these are just sitting notes. Let's get them out. So I have a new deal with TriStar books. TriStar, is this unrelated to the movie production? Yeah. Okay.

So TriStar only copyrighted their name in movies. They blew it. They forgot to copyright for book publishing companies. Fucking idiots. That's true of a lot of book publishing imprints. Yeah. There's Touchstone books. I'm going to make a- Handmade films books.

Disney books? I'm going to make them. Disney books. Yeah, there's a Disney books unrelated to Disney. I'm going to make a Penguin's films and see what that does. Wow. Oh my God. Yeah, you could go the other way. Yep.

I have bad news for you on Max coming up this fall, the Penguin series. Oh no. Oh, fuck. It's all about these book publishers who fight Batman for some reason. I have bad news for you on Max coming up this fall, the Penguin series is coming out. It's all about these book publishers who fight Batman for some reason. I don't know. We have to take a break, but when we come back and we talk about these ideas that you have,

is that okay, Langston? I'd really love to hear some of these new books. Can I just say, by the way, you guys are so nice. Oh, thank you so much. You're really being so generous today. Honestly, we thought you were gonna be just a snooze-a-thon when you... I heard you say that a couple of times.

Yeah, I didn't mean for you to hear that. That's all right. You know what, I'm not the most exciting guy I guilty as charged. That's okay. I'm a writer, I sit at home, I keep to myself. If you called me a dud, you're not far off. So you don't have nothing interesting about you,

your home life or anything like that? I mean, I'm interested in it, but you know. I bet after selling 100,000 books, you fucked quite a bit. That's not the way I lived. Oh. Did you buy anything? I had a wife, I was married.

I suppose we had some celebratory rolls in the hay, I guess. What happened to your wife? She's passed on, I'm afraid to say. That's quite all right. What happened? I'm not sure, actually. She vanished. That sounds quantum to not sure actually, she vanished. That sounds quantum to me.

Okay, hold on. We have to take a break, but when you say your life is not interesting. It's not interesting. Okay, let alone I... That's quite a tease for B-Block. Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Buddy, let's get that commercial going.

Yeah, let's get the commercial going because I got to follow up on this. We'll be right back with more Langston Kerman, more Alan Freeman, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Langston Kerman, Bad Poetry, Netflix, August 20th. I'm rushing through this. Fuck it, Scott.

Yeah, you don't care if anyone watches this, right? I don't give a shit. No. Okay. Yeah, we got to get to Alan Freeman. Let's go. Yes. Alan Freeman, sci-fi writer, writer of The Quantum Soldiers, books one through 10.

And victim of a disappeared wife. Well, I'm sure- You're not the victim. I mean, I've lost my wife, but I was not hurt. You're collateral damage. Yes, that's right. Your wife is perhaps the victim. I assume my wife is dead. What happened? How did she vanish? What were the circumstances? This is every day, it was just a normal day. She was going out to do some grocery shopping. She did this every day?

No, but this was- Do you not have a refrigerator? We had a refrigerator. She would, I guess- Honey, get us four eggs. I'm gonna eat three of them. God, you guys got so many ideas. And then you're on your own.

I gotta write these down. These are great ideas. No, what, I'm gonna eat three of them. God, you guys got so many ideas. And then you're on your own. I gotta write these down. These are great ideas. No, so it was a normal day. This is the type of thing she would do.

The type of thing she would do, yes. And she was going out grocery shopping. I said, great. We talked a little bit about what she should get. So you had a discussion. She wasn't technically like, you didn't delineate the housework in terms of like, you know, typical male female gender roles.

Not necessarily. She likes to cook. Sorry. Liked to cook. Right. And therefore she liked to do the shopping, so she'd get what she wanted. But she would still check in with you about what your preferences were. I'd just be like, Oh, can you think of anything? What else should we get or whatever? We would sort of check in there. I cleaned the house. I would take care of that. And it's cool. We did it. Did you keep it nice and tidy? I could have done better. I'll be honest. I could have done better. All right. Maybe that's why she disappeared.

And the only thing that was a little strange is right before she left, and I didn't think anything of it at the time. She said, be seeing you, which is not that strange but not her normal way of saying goodbye. She normally says- This sounds an awful lot like a guy that I talked to recently in Atlanta who his wife disappeared in- Is that right? Yeah.

And she said something slightly different as well. Is that right? Well, I have to look that up. I know, I didn't listen to that. I've only listened to a couple episodes of this show. I remember this. You say that something very similar to this? This was in Atlanta.

Your live show. Yeah, yeah, it was a live show recently. I haven't listened to any of the live shows. Oh really, it was in Atlanta though. Yeah. And you're such a big fan of Atlanta. The show, the city, everything. I should have.

Yeah, everywhere, yeah. 360. I should have checked, everywhere. Yeah. 360. I should have checked it out. Interesting. I'm just saying there seems like a rash of these going on. She says be seeing you and what happened? And then she waited a while as if she was waiting for a response from me and I just said, okay.

But I didn't really, you know, and then she went to the grocery store. Yeah, there's no like a common retort to be seen. Yeah, it's just sort of, she's, it sounded oddly British. Yeah. Oddly British. Had she ever sounded oddly British before? She's never said she's from, she's from the middle of Maine. Okay.

She couldn't be farther from Britain. I guess she could be, but she's pretty far from Britain. I mean, that's pretty close to Britain. I guess it's pretty close. That's as close as we get to Britain. Yeah. She walked outside, big flashlight. She didn't walk across the water to Britain, did she?

I don't think so. Although she's gone, so maybe she did. Okay. All right. So then she walked out of the house. That's the last time you saw her? Lightning bolt, and then she just- Lightning bolt?

There was a lightning bolt and she kept walking. Whoa. There was a lightning bolt and that didn't scare her to go back into the house. She just kept walking. I noticed, I just was like, I didn't even know that it was cloudy outside. But it's one of those like summer storms, you know,

where there's a blue sky. Are you sure she's not like have Shazam powers or something? Where she said the word Shazam and- Scott, that's a great question. Did she say the word Shazam? Or do you know she had Shazam powers that were activated by a different passport? I wish she did.

I wish that was, I wish I was married to Shazam. That'd be great. I mean, we all. Come on. Who doesn't want to be married to a little boy hiding in a big man's body? And I remember that this was December 2nd, 1980. And the reason I remember that is that is the day before I began my relationship with a girl in our housing development that I started, she started mowing my lawn. You started a relationship the day after your wife disappeared? A 12 year old girl came by the day after my wife disappeared. Okay.

Nothing weird. It sounds weird. Scott, we got him. We got him on tape. We got Okay. Nothing weird. It sounds weird. We got them. We got them on tape. We got them. All right. FBI come on in. That's not me. This podcast has been a 15 year sting operation.

We fucking got them. This is a different time. Kids would go around asking to do chores. But what kind of relationship? It wasn't a relationship at first. You just said asking to do chores. But what kind of relationship? It wasn't a relationship at first. You just said, hey, Mr. E.D., do you need your leaves? At first.

Leaves raked. Are you saying a business? Hopefully for not another six years. Okay. Six years. What's that? Like, hopefully for not another six years, was it a relationship?

There was no romantic relationship ever. It was just a friendship. A human interaction. I see, I see. She became a friend, frankly. At first, she was just like a daughter A human interaction. A connection. I see. She became a friend, frankly. At first, she was just like a daughter of a family in the neighborhood. She would do odd jobs. And she became a friend.

Yes. Same name as my wife. Both were named Nancy. Both were named Nancy. Interesting. Yeah. And I thought that was strange. And then, you know, meanwhile, the manhunt is on.

My wife never came back from the grocery store. We should call it a womanhunt or a personhunt. We should. You know, meanwhile, the man hunt is on. My wife never came back from the grocery store. We should call it a woman hunt or a person hunt. We should. You know what? When are we finally changing that? Yep. After the FBI comes in and gets you. Yeah, we're going to give them a tip. We're going to speak to them about changing some of their language. Let's talk to your superiors about this. So, how strange. The man hunt is on. Meanwhile,

you have this 12 year old girl, Nancy, is mowing the lawn. She's mowing the lawn. She's raking the leaves, is doing, paying her a little bit. It's not you do the kids in the neighborhood. They come to work. Is she doing this every day or? Every couple, mowing the lawn like once every two weeks. Okay. Raking the leaves only in the fall a couple times. Okay. So you're only seeing...

We would chit chat and stuff and I'd ask about school and how her family was doing. She had her two brothers and eventually became friends. What was it about little Nancy that you enjoyed? What was it that- I'm just a precocious child. She was this very comfortable around adults talking. That's always very striking when somebody's young and they're just sort of very verbal, very like self-possessed and sort of, you know, professionally offering her, you know, yard abilities. Looked just like my wife. Looked, wait a minute, looked just like your wife. Looked a lot, not just like my wife, a lot like, I was missing my wife, so I was probably

projecting, I was like, gosh, you know, she looks, she looks in a strange way, like a little version of if we'd had kids, maybe, maybe this would have been our- So this is maybe comforting you at a time when your wife was missing. In a way, yes. And yeah. Well, it's- And she's still my, and she became my assistant. She became my, she helps me with my work. Oh, you still work with Nancy today. Still work with Nancy.

How old is she now? Let's see. She is, she was 12 in 1980. And so, you can figure that out. Yeah. So she must be 56. Yeah. Yeah. She's had a life.

And how old are you? You're... I don't like to say, in the sci-fi business, sometimes there's a lot of ages. How old were you in 1980 though? I was 35. 35. Okay. But I won't say more than that.

That's fine. Great. So you're, yeah, you yeah, you're definitely getting up there But a lot of sci-fi writers were you know, Isaac Asimov was who you were thinking about before with iRobot. Yeah What about him though? I think he's dead. Oh, no. Okay. Well, you're saying a lot of sci-fi writers are dead Lot of them are dead. A lot of them have I've outlasted a lot of them is what I'm saying of my generation Yeah, not that I was ever in Isaac Asimov's league. What group has more dead members like Elizabethan poets or sci-fi writers? Probably Elizabethan poets. Yeah. I would... I think so. I would guess. That's a good guess.

I would guess. Yeah. Of course, Shakespeare was the original sci-fi writer. Wasn't he though? He was. When you think about some of those things like the guy with the donkey's head. Yeah, guy turns into a donkey. The Tempest. Oh, the Tempest. Tempest. Rage, rage, lightning bolts, rage. Yeah. Was that in there?

Uh, probably. Rage, rage, lightning bolts, rage. That was either in there or that was a funny stroke, I would say. Well, what an interesting thing. And so is that also one of the reasons you're writing Dried Up? She's in. Yeah, I think so. When my wife left, I kind of I got demoralized. Yeah, it seems like I lost. I lost my inspiration.

You lost your sales were going down anyway. Quasar didn't mind letting me go, but I didn't. I haven't written anything since 1980. Oh, man. And do you do you have any kind of inkling what happened to your wife? Any other clues pop up ever? I, I, I, I can, I think that she either left me that she was sad or unhappy with the marriage in a way that I didn't appreciate or some freak accident happened

and the body was never recovered. Because when the lightning strikes, yes, you still see her walk. There's more walking that- No, no, no. I didn't see her. The second the lightning strikes, she disappears. Lightning strikes, I looked out there to see if she was all right. Didn't see her anywhere.

Wow. Hold on. So the lightning might have struck her is what you're saying? I assumed the body- You didn't see her, so you assumed it was fine? The lightning struck and I was worried. I went out to see, but there was no body. There was nothing.

She just died. You're like, well, maybe she was vaporized anyway. I just thought I guess that just somebody's got to mow this. I saw the lightning strike outside. I didn't see it hit the ground with lightning vaporized bones. I, I don't know. Yeah. We got to look this up and maybe you're a sci fi guy. Yeah.

Have you looked this up? That's part of the science of the science. I have looked it up in a, in a up and a lightning bolt would not vaporize bones. Okay. It would char you. You'd be charred like a piece of wood in a fireplace. Right. Wow.

I can tell you, which might have I just pitched a couple of the books that I'm trying to bring back just a couple real quick. That sounds good. So these are just going to be available. These are the ones you wrote back in the late 70s. I wrote these back in the day and now Nancy too, gosh, what a terrible name for the word, but Nancy too has recommended me that we're gonna put them out there with TriStar, not the film production company.

Okay, so here's some of the books we got. I Have Possessed My Husband is a novella that I'm going to. Yeah, what is that about? Novella, why make it a novella what I'm going to novel why why make it a novella I just didn't have enough idea to keep going but that's about a woman who possesses the body of her husband special I'll get those seven minutes Credits length longer than I care to admit I Was like milk this for all it's worth. Special shout out to extra key grips that weren't involved.

Live in concert, the credits are like one minute. Oh, fuck. I'll never be richer. All right, so that, what is this about? That's about a woman who possesses the body of her husband and takes over his life. Okay. What gave you that idea? Uh, just came to me, it's this pretty sci-fi thing, just like body swapping, just kind

of like gender roles. Reversing, yeah. Yeah, it's like a pretty typical, you know, is it a robot? Is it a human? The man's a woman. Are those the two genders, robot and human? Robot, human, or the four genders in sci-fi are robot, human, man, woman. Okay. Um, the brain swap, uh, how I took over my husband's brain was my second book. That was the second book that you...

Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. This feels, um, eerily close to the first. A little similar. Maybe there's some overlap. Well, I ran out of ideas with that one too, so, you know, I was kind of in a little rut. Uh, this next one, this next one's, one's different. It's the octopus of jealousy. The octopus of jealousy. That sounds intriguing. What do you mean by that? Octopuses or octopi rather, are famous for having eight limbs, eight

appendages. They're really known for it. And they're also quite intelligent. They're not really known for that as much as the eight appendages thing. They're known more for the eight limbs. I think they're known for eight limbs and then being pretty yummy and then maybe smart. Tending to those gardens, maybe? That's smart, yeah. That Ringo once said.

Ringo. Him I know. Who were you talking about when you say Ringo? I'm talking about Ringo, the guy in my neighborhood. Okay, no, we're not talking, we're a different Ringo? I'm talking about Ringo, the guy in my neighborhood. Okay, no, we're not talking, we're a different Ringo. Okay. All right.

Well, the Ringo I know is great. What's he do? He makes jewelry. Oh, wow. That's nice. Like rings? Like rings, he likes rings and stuff. Yeah.

Oh, cool. He's getting old. He's got like a backup guy who makes the rings. Does he have a catchphrase? Does he say like, peace and love, peace and love, no more autographs? He doesn't say no more autographs. Yeah. But he says, here comes trouble a lot. I don't know if that counts. This might be the same Ringo actually now that we're talking about it.

He's a very sweet guy. Yeah. He's a very sweet guy. Does he ever go out during the summer and travel with an all-star band? He's gone in the summers. I don't keep track of him. I'm not that close to him. Okay. Yeah. The Ringo, the guy who makes rings. Yeah. The Ringo, the guy who makes rings. Okay. The Ringo, the guy who makes rings.

What else do they have? Wear sunglasses. Yeah. I don't know. Dyes his hair? He dyes his hair, but I don't like to call it out too much. I don't think he likes when you call it out. Guys dealing with aging, you know what I mean? They're just, they're doing...

Yeah. Look, it comes for us all. There's a point in one's life where one looks in the mirror and says, do I die this shit or do I just keep it going? Langston, what are you looking at my hair for? I was going to ask. The octopus of jealousy is about an intelligent octopus that comes to earth and fakes its death. Oh. Okay.

Interesting. To get away from a relationship on a previous planet. So it's an alien octopus? It's an alien octopus. So the humans called it an octopus because it looks octopus-like. Oh. It's not truly an octopus.

We don't have the word for what it is. Comes to Earth where it's maybe at the top of the food chain or from its planet where it's at. Top of the food chain, the place where it's hunted. Hunted and. Yeah, but it would rather stay because it had a lousy marriage on the planet it came from chain or from its planet where it's at top of the food chain, the place where it's hunted, hunted. And yeah, but it would rather stay because it had a lousy marriage on the planet. It came from it. So don't we all relate to this? Yeah. Amen, brother. I'd rather go to a planet where I'm being hunted than go through therapy.

This octopus spaghetti again. Yeah. No, thanks. You guys get it. Yeah. That's right, bro. Let's high five. Oh, great. Well, yeah, that's all I got right now. Okay. For my books, yeah. Those are the three books. So you came on this show to promote three books, two of which are novellas which have the same premise.

Yeah, they're pretty close. They're pretty different once you get into the details. The same starting point, same starting point. Yeah. And then The Octopus of Jealousy. The Octopus of Jealousy is your most unique sort of premise. You like that one? I don't know that I-

You're intrigued by the title? I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. I'm sure you're intrigued by the title. That's the same starting point, same starting point. And then the octopus of jealousy. The octopus of jealousy is your most unique sort of premise. You like that one? I don't know that I-

You're intrigued by the title? I'm certainly intrigued. Intrigued by the title. We have to read it in order to- Can I get a pull quote from you for the book? Hey, interesting stuff. Okay. Boy, if I saw that on the back of a book, I might read it.

Make sure you put more than three dots for the ellipses. Yeah, so it might have skipped over. So it's really, a lot has been left out. Yeah, that I really have to think about. Interesting stuff, six dots. I can do that. Yeah, interesting. I can do that, Nancy would like that.

So let me ask you a question. Sure. These two books about like, hey, I took over my husband's brain. Right. Why do you think that popped in your head? That's something I started thinking about soon after my wife vanished. How soon?

The next day. Whoa, pretty immediately. So not the day of? Not the day of. The day of I was like, where'd she go? What's going on here? Did she say she was going somewhere? Did I check the calendar and she's going to her sister's? The next day we got serious about calling the police and saying, hey, I think something's up. Next day you got serious. Well, you waited a day before you...

Well, the police say you have to wait. Although if they don't find them within the first 72, then... We didn't know that then. We didn't have the same knowledge of crime that we do today. That's true. But that day I got the idea for my novella. Okay. The woman who took over her brain.

Was that the day that Nancy came over as well? Same day. Same day. Same day as I met little Nancy. And just for my own edification, did little Nancy pitch in? Was she? She did, She helped out.

With the, with the idea. She, I, she was like, Hey, Mr. you look sad. And I just, just to entertain her as like, well, what would you write Nancy? Just to kind of keep, you know, just to be. So you're still working, even though your wife was, the manhunt was going on. I guess it's a little cold. Still got to put in eight hour workday. Still, you know, you're working through the grief.

Through the, otherwise I'm'm just gonna sit there worrying. We all grieve differently and- Yeah. I don't know that that's our right to judge. I got a lot of work done in those first couple of years. Not successful work. None of it was published, none of it went anywhere, but I was still, yeah, but-

Grinding. Nancy helped me out. Nancy helped. Yeah. Interesting. And no books after that, but Nancy really wants you to publish these. She's saying, why not? You know, like self publishing is easier than ever.

And then we got this deal with TriStar. So we're just like, why not get those books out? And you know, she's been your assistant, even though you haven't written any books and you haven't worked. She's been like handling my affairs. Like she handles the residuals. And to be honest, she helps around the house. How do you pay her?

I pay her, she takes a commission of my residuals. But you haven't been working and you haven't published. It's not a great deal for her. It's a bad deal. But she's happy with it. She's happy with it. She's married and she's got kids and it's sort of like a part-time. Who's she married to?

She's married to a wonderful man she met at college, this guy named Sidney, he's a printer. Graphic artist, I guess he'd call it. So you- Yeah, those feel different. Yeah. Well, I think in my brain, when he first starts stuff over, he's like stuff printer, I was like, oh, you're a printer. And I was like, oh, you old man.

You wanted to make sure we know he's not making t-shirts and stuff like that. That's right, yeah. He's like, yeah. So you guys were out of touch when she was in college? Yeah, we lost touch a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting, Langston.

It's interesting stuff. I told him a bit of a dud. I'm so sorry. Just trying to get these books out here. I think this is a fine conversation we're having and I'm a little curious about this Nancy character. Honestly, okay, here's where my mind goes. Yeah. Okay, sure.

You hear this, well, I guess the thunder clap would be what you hear. So you see a lightning flash. That's right. What if the lightning bolt hit your Nancy and she had made a wish right before, a la the movie Big. Cool. But she wanted a reverse big situation. You know what I mean? right before, a la the movie Big. Who?

But she wanted a reverse big situation. You know what I mean? She wanted a jib, where she's in a dead end marriage and she's like, oh my gosh, I remember when I was young and the whole world was in front of me and I could do anything with my life. And instead I made all these choices. I wish I was, I wish I made all these choices. I wish I was

Jib again. I wish I was young. I wish I could just mow lawns and organize the affairs of a sad old man. Well that's where it sort of falls apart because- Just to humor you Scott because you're so nice to let me on your show. Sure. I'm gonna text this to Nancy and just ask her, hey are you my wife turned into a little girl? I thought that's probably the best right was this result because I named Nancy would tell me okay She would tell you and I have a good feeling that even if she's not she's not gonna be offended I know Nancy so well then and I'm a sci-fi writer. She knows okay, so yeah, are you really just use speech to text? You want you want me to do that? You don't want me just to talk a lot while I type.

We want to hear it. We don't trust that. Okay. Hang on. I've been something else. Hang on. How do I do that? Got to hit this. You got to enable it.

Hold on. Okay. Hang on. Where's the settings? I got it. Just go to settings. Okay. Got it.

Yep. Okay. I'm there. Okay. Going to text. Okay. Right. Yep. Enable speech to text. Got it. Okay. Well, it's right there. There we there. Okay Go into text. Okay, right. Yep

Enable speech to text. Okay. Oh, it's right there. There we go. Okay, great. Okay. Okay Nancy it's Alan quick question. He knows who you are. Are you okay? Stop stop. Hold on You're right. Sorry. I got weird out saying it out loud. Sorry. I know It's it's a typical old person thing. I know, I'm so embarrassed. When my dad calls me, he says it's dad, and it's like, who else would this be? Of course, of course, got it.

Are you my wife? Wow, no, just like trying to- Sorry, back up, back up, back up, sorry. You're gonna wanna grease the wheel a little bit. No, no, no, you're right, you're right. I went too much, I overcorrected. Hey, how are you? Are you my- Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I're right. I went too much. I overcorrected. Hey, how are you? Are you my... Sorry! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I got it.

As soon as I said it, I heard it. Do you happen to be... Hold on. Hey, Nancy. It's Alan. No! Stop introducing yourself! The first part's okay? Okay, hang on. It's not okay! I got it, I got it, I got it.

Slightly weird question. Are you my wife? This part's okay. Okay, hang on. It's not okay. I got it, I got it, I got it. Okay, you got it. Slightly weird question. Are you my wife after she turned herself into a little girl? Question mark. It's kind of weird phrasing on it, but. I give it a seven out of 10. I'm going to send it. I'm going to send it.

You could send and then you could say, to clarify, are you my wife who was hit by a lightning bolt and turned into a young person? I already sent the first one. I'll send that one. All right, to clarify, are you my wife who was hit by a lightning bolt and turned into a younger version of herself? Example, big, example, Shazam.

Example, big, example, reverse big. Yeah, reverse Shazam. Example, Shazam. Yeah, reverse Shazam. Send. Okay. Okay. Now we wait. There's three dots.

Oh, there's three dots. Oh, she's already, she's already on it. Wow. So that makes a good assistant. She's always right there by her phone. She just said BRB. She said BRB. So she'll answer in a second, I think.

Oh. She's just doing something. She's in the middle of something. Yeah. That's an interesting reply because I think. Oh, she's just doing something. She's in the middle of something. Yeah. That's an interesting reply because I think no, no, an immediate no is what I would feel like a what you would expect. She's probably she probably didn't even read it. I just saw that there's a message. Okay, I can't just let you know I saw this, but I can't pretty long message. I don't have time to hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on.

Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on.

Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on.

Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Just hang on, hang on, you doing? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just connect to her on the phone.

Sorry, sorry. You're already in the middle of it. No, I'm not talking to her. What? Are you joking? Send. Three dots? No.

Okay. Wow. Nancy, what the fuck? It's Alan. I don't care if it sounds like an old man. What's going on? She's my wife? It's typing that in all caps. God damn it.

What are you talking? She's my wife? She's been your wife this whole time. Shut up the next day. You lost all your rings. What kind of crazy shit is this? What are you talking about? Okay, look, I really feel like you need to talk to her on the phone.

Can I go take a call? Yeah, we're coming up on a break anyway. I'm going to go. I got a call. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're gonna hear exactly. What the fuck? I don't know how to.

Albie takes the call in the room. This is exciting. I'm not sure, but we're gonna take a break. When we come back, hopefully we'll have some sort of an explanation about this. We'll be right back. We also have a scientist coming up and maybe he can explain why this happened

or how this happened. When we come back, we'll have more with Alan Freeman, more with Langston Kerman. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Bum-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Bad poetry. Bad poetry. Is the special approximately 40 minutes with 20 minutes of credits. I milk it, baby. Just bloopers. The entire time where you fuck up the, like every single one of your jokes. My pants split and everyone laughs.

You do a stunt incorrectly. Oh, yeah. You give a thumbs up to the camera. There's a lot of stunts in this special, I would say. We also have sci-fi writer Alan Freeman has just come back into the room. He's, have you finished your call, Alan? I gotta call her later. I guess it's true.

I guess it's true. Whoa. She verified a lot of things that only Nancy would know. This is so crazy. What? Like what? Just like stuff we said to each other about our honeymoon, like what? Dirty talk. Like what though? Like, Just like stuff we said to each other about our honeymoon. Like what?

Like what? Dirty talk. Like what though? Like I don't know if I wanna say. I knew you were a nasty motherfucker. It's not that nasty. Like what though? Just private.

You're my Barney Miller. What? We used to, and you're my fish. We used to cosplay as the characters from Barney Miller. Nobody even knows the show, it doesn't matter. Yeah, you're right. No one would know. It's a con-viner.

I didn't care for it. It doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. Yeah, you're right, no one would know. It's a con. I didn't care for it. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. So, I Am Spartacus, was that a little joke to each other? Oh. How is that a joke? It doesn't, I don't know, we just would say it to each other a lot. Like describe what makes it fun. We love that movie, funny like how?

Whenever we were impressed with each other, we'd be like, hey, did you clean up this whole attic? I'd be like, I am Spartacus. Would be like, that's, I know it's not funny. I wouldn't classify it as a joke as much as, oh, okay, anyway. It just matters that only we would know. Did she talk about, here are the questions I have. She's a 12 year old girl.

She makes a wish, she's a 12 year old girl. She comes back to work for you? Exactly! Why? I don't know. And then here's my other question. She gets married to another guy. Another guy, but comes back to work for you? Exactly! Why? I don't know. And then here's my other- She gets married to another guy.

Another guy, but she still hangs out with you all the time? All the time! It sort of seems like she just wanted you to be okay. This is the worst. Can I also ask, what's the deal with all your books about a wife taking over someone's brain? How does that... Yeah, that's hot.

Who knows? They work good. That doesn't seem to track. Look, I suck at this. I suck at writing. I don't need you guys to tell me that. My career is middling. That really feels like you were off base.

Well, I stopped working. You were trying to process this. Yes, that's so crazy. She gave you perfect sci-fi inspiration. And you fumbled it hard. I asked for her help. I don't know what to say. Dammit.

I was... Well, you were asking a 12 year old, my man. That's not, that's not smart for... I don't see this as a mistake in my career management. I have been cursed by circumstance. Little bit of this, little bit of that is what I see. You think a little of each? All right.

Well, this is very strange. Hopefully you can bring her back on the show next time you come back. I'm not going to maintain a friendship with this weirdo. Oh, you're going to cut her off completely? Yes! Wow. At least bring her back on the show. I don't know.

She's been your wife for some time and then your confidant for some time more. Oh my gosh. I'll think about it. Okay. I'll think about it. Interesting, interesting stuff. Do I stay here the rest of the show now?

Yeah, I think you, yeah. Technically you're contractually obligated to stay here during the show. I'm sorry you got all fired up. Yeah, well maybe that fire will help us out because we have another guest coming up. And it's a scientist. Oh, I love scientists.

Yeah, you like science. He is a blood scientist. Interesting. That's interesting. Please welcome for the first time on the show, Kilgoreus Van Helsing. Hello everyone out there. Oh, hello. And hello to us, I guess as well.

Yes, yes, you as well. Yeah, this is Langston. I'm Scott, our host. Hey, Kilgoreus. Hey, hello. And hello to us, I guess, as well. Oh, yes. Yes, you as well. Yeah, this is Langston. I'm Scott, our host. Hey, everybody. Kilgore is. But you can call me Kilgore. Kilgore? Okay, Alan Freeman over here. Greetings. Hello. Um, just found out he's the, I guess you are the victim of, uh, like a-

You don't need to get into a- Weird catfish situation? Having a bad day, that's all. Yeah, no, I heard, I heard you yelling. Okay. It was, that's all. Yeah, no, I heard you yelling. Okay. It was, yeah. Yeah, that sounds, I don't understand. Thank you, I appreciate that.

Yeah, I don't think. He said, I don't understand. But as a scientist, I will say, that I'm so surprised you're in this situation, it just seems like maybe she liked your companionship, but didn't want to. A sexual relationship? Yeah, what, a sexual relationship?

I don't need this analyzed by everybody. I guess that makes it. Maybe this whole, you're my Barney Miller, you're my fish. Yeah, she didn't, the role play really sucked for her. Yeah. If she could get out. Maybe she was tired of saying I am Spartacus,

which isn't even all that funny. Maybe in her mind she was like, this is not funny. He's not gonna keep doing this riff, right? Yeah, but he just keeps on doing it. Permanent, just hangs around. Yeah, I mean, I see you have a Planet of the Apes shirt on. Did you do the line, get your hands off me, you dirty apes or whatever?

Damn, she did that line. Oh, no, that's bad news. That's bad news for sure. As a joke. Sorry. As a joke, sure. You were saying. Yes, Kilgore, welcome to the show. So great to have you.

You're a blood scientist. Yes, yes. I didn't always used to be a blood scientist. I used to work in- What is the name of, what is the technical name for blood scientist? Blood scientist. Oh, oh, okay.

Yes. It's not like hemo, you know, hematologist? Well, depending on, well, I work in a specialty of blood. Oh, yeah, it seems like then you would really know. The blood science I work in is making sure that we can get blood that isn't real blood, but it still tastes like regular blood.

Synthetic blood. Okay. Yes, but it tastes like regular blood. So what does regular blood taste like? Is it sort of copper kind of- Well, have you ever cut yourself and then tried to stop the cut by- By like putting your mouth on it?

Yes. Not drinking it, but like sort of trying to. You get a little taste. Sure. I wet my beak. Yeah, you get a little nip. Well, that's what it tastes like. It tastes like that. Tastes like that.

And we're trying to get that. Because if you get synthetic blood, a lot of times you can tell that it's not real blood. In the market that we're in, we're trying to make sure that the people who want to have real blood, i.e. vampires, if you're out there, we want to make sure that they get the blood that they need so they don't feast on actual humans because they need the real thing. So you are servicing vampires? That is the market that I am going for, yes. Vampires, I'm gonna back up a step.

Vampires are real? I'm banking on them being are. I'm banking back up a step. Vampires are real? I'm banking on them being art. I'm banking that they are. Have you ever seen one? And your story, it makes me feel like it's quite possible that there are vampires out there. When you hear something like this, like a Freaky Friday reverse big reverse Shazam kind of thing, it kind of opens your mind up

into the possibilities of wow. For sure. I mean, cause at first this is just me, you know, I see a lot of, I see a lot of material out there with vampires in it. So they have to be making that for somebody, right? Somebody has to have gotten these ledges from somewhere. Like the Twilight movies you mean?

I mean, Twilight and Interview with the Vampire and Bram Stoker's Vampire. I think there's a show. Dracula, I think. Blackula's another one. Blackula, Blackula blackula. Hey, I mean my blood is for everybody So if you're black in a vampire drink up drink up. Whoa, you want to give your blood to vampires? Is that what you're saying? I don't want to give my blood I want to give the blood that I make to vampires you like want to yes, but it's never happened

It hasn't happened yet, but just know that I have a lot in the lab and a lot more. So if you're an investor or if you're in a vampire that just wants to get it straight from the source, you can come to me, kill Gore Van Helsing, and I will get you what you need. No more humans do you need to feast on. Where do you keep the stuff that's not in the lab? I have a small little budget rental space.

Oh, you mean like a storage space? Storage space. So you never heard anyone describe a storage space as a small little budget. Well, cause it's kind of tiny. And you chose the longest way to describe, I think a storage space, budget rental. Well, that's what it was.

It's a budget rental. I don't know if you know, if you're familiar with the budget. I'm not really interested in your finances or... Oh, okay. Well, it's not me. Well, my finances are very little, but I'm really banking on this work. And you think this is going to be a big payoff? I think so. I feel like, I mean, put it in like this. Your story is a little different how it turned out. Sorry, once again, that that happened to you.

Talking to Alan here. Yeah, but in the same time, have you ever had somebody in your life who just disappeared? You wonder, where could they have gone? No. That doesn't happen as often. Wait, did my wife just, no, she's still around.

Okay. I think she's around. All right, but if you are somebody listening and that has happened, it's quite possible that a vampire took your mate. Sometimes, you know, people make plans and then they get ghosted. Is that what we're talking about? I've had that happen.

That's happened. Should we change this terminology to being vampire? I mean, you could be, because you guys are all being like, oh, we're being ghosted. This is something that usually could happen to anybody. And I'm saying that it's quite possible that the person really wanted to go out with you

or really wanted to talk to you. And then a vampire took them, drained their blood and then I don't know what happens after they do all their stuff. An hour ago, I would have been into this story. And so, you know, it sounds like crazy things happen. That's what I've learned. Can I ask you a question, Kilgore? Your last name, I'm presuming it's a full last name and Van isn't your middle name?

No, no. Yeah, that's my full last name and Van isn't your middle name. No, no, yeah, that's my full last name. Okay, what's your middle name? Anthony. Why Killgoreus? Are you embarrassed by that? Yeah, because my dad named me for a friend that he knew, that middle name, and his friend's name was Anthony,

but everything else is so grand. Kilgoreus Van Helsing, but it's Kilgoreus Anthony Van Helsing. Yeah, I can see that. But what I wanted to ask is about the Van Helsing part of it there. I don't know if you're naming monster movies. There's a very famous Van Helsing,

huge jacked man played in a movie. Yes, yes, yes. Called Van Helsing. huge jacked man played in a movie. Yes, yes, yes. Called Van Helsing. He was supposedly a vampire hunter. Do you know who I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. That movie was kind of based on my great great grandfather. They kind of butchered the whole legend.

Oh. Yeah. What did your great great grandfather do? My great great grandfather did hunt people back in the day who had fanged teeth. Oh Okay, so they could have been vampires and so this is kind of what I'm just banking on It was the fact that if it's in my legacy, I used to work in regular food So I used to make like almost like if possible burgers like impossible burgers all the type of possible food How do you make those? I always wondered. Protein, plant protein. Just plant protein, and then you like mush it up.

You just gotta mush it up. You kinda mush it up. You kinda mush it up. You gotta mush it up. Yeah, you kinda just mush it up, then put it into the sun a little bit to get that color right. Yeah, do you put it in like a mold

that looks like a pork chop or something? Uh, I mean, depending on the factory that you're in, but sometimes you have people that just do it by hand, but that's the more organic factories. Yeah. So you used to do that, but then you, the Van Helsing branding is strong. But it sounds like your great-great-grandfather was just hunting anybody with sharp teeth. He didn't give a fuck if they were vampires or not. I mean, you have to understand it's a different time. And in that time, if your teeth didn't

look pretty similar to other people's teeth, obviously you're different. I mean, dentistry back then was... It was crazy. I mean, you have to think of the time. Just putting leeches off. There were times where they were like witches where they would hunt witches. So obviously at this time that time had passed, but it's a new time. And if your teeth looked weird, something was wrong with you, so they drove a steak into your heart. Yeah, Kilgore, if I were a vampire and I was interested in this service, and then I heard that your name was Van Helsing, I wouldn't go anywhere near you.

That's a problem with the branding, honestly, is I would consider the blood to be poisoned or something. And that's the thing. If I were a Batman and you were selling Batarangs, but you were Joker Enterprises, I wouldn't go. If you were a Batman? Those Batarangs are go. If you were a Batman. If I was a Batman. There are a few Batmans out there.

If there were a species of Batman, then I was one of the- Check out the newest movie, it's The Batman. Okay, so he's the best one. But if I was just a garden variety Batman, salt of the earth, middle of the bell curve. Maybe your wife disappeared, but you're still the Batman. Why are you bringing that up again? Thanks to God. Sorry.

You're like finally you seem like you moved on. I know, but. I see where you're going with it. It doesn't track for me. I will say this. Obviously, yeah, sure. If you go by the Van Helsing of old, then it's like, yeah, there might be a problem. But I'm telling everyone right now, I'm a different person.

And I have no desire. If you're a vampire, I have there might be a problem. But I'm telling everyone right now, I'm a different person and I have no desire. If you're a vampire, I have no desire to kill you. Well, right? My thing is, if you're a vampire and you also don't wanna hurt humans, I don't want you to hurt humans. I don't even wanna hurt you. So drink my imposter blood

and therefore you can be able to live and be amongst us. I think that we all could live together. Yeah. That's beautiful. That is beautiful. I think that we all could live together. Yeah. That's beautiful. That is beautiful. I mean, they're up at night usually and I'm sleeping by 10 PM or something like that, but there's a little overlap there.

And we don't know what's true. We don't know if vampires can actually not go out at night. That's true. That's a good point. We know very little about them. We do know about the blood thing though? I do know that, yes, that is one thing that is very true about vampires.

Okay, but we don't know about blood. You haven't verified that they exist, that is one thing that is very true about vampires. Okay, but we don't know about the other. You haven't verified that they exist, but you are certain that... Yes, if there is one thing that I would bank my whole degree on. It sounds like you are banked. What was your degree in, by the way? My degree was in food science.

What is a food scientist? And now you're a blood scientist? Did you have to get another degree for that? Did you go back to school? I did not. I did not. So you're a blood scientist? Did you have to get another degree for that? Did you go back to school? I did not, I did not. So you're an amateur. You could say that, but how can I be amateur if I'm the only one that's doing it?

That's a good point, Scott. I don't know, I haven't, I mean, I looked. I looked on the internet, I looked at the trademark services and there was nobody else selling blood. Did you look up a little word called Morbius? Morbius. Morbius, I don't know why you would look up that word necessarily.

Yeah, that's not like a natural thing to type on your own. But yeah, you might wanna look up that. But so you get out of the impossible burger business, you get into the blood thing. Have you ever seen a vampire? What caused this? What was the impetus? Well, I think it's kinda my calling.

Okay. As a Van Halse thing, Oh. I tried so hard to sort of fight what the family business was, which is in the business of vampire and vampire-like things. You gotta kill vampires. That's your legacy. Sure! That in the old days, but we lived in 2024. You're probably great at it. You're probably super good at it. Like, how fast are your reflexes? Whoosh!

Oh my god. You caught the ball that I threw at you. That was incredible. I don't even know where you pulled it out from Hang on. I'm gonna try to bite you real quick. Ow! Stop it Stop it. What is wrong with you? Try to bite him without telegraph. Okay, right. If you tell him it's gonna That's my bad. Look, I don't know. Look, I've had a heck of a day. Listen, could I kill a vampire with my own bare hands? Heck of a day. Listen, could I kill a vampire with my own bare hands? Yes, could I look around this room and see a bunch of stuff where I could stab a vampire with

and fatally kill them? Yes, there's a ton of stuff. This, that, this, that. Usually you break it in half and it's got a pointy edge. I mean, I can make a shiv very quickly. What's the crossbow on your back for? Do you mind me asking? That is my right. Your right? Yeah, that is my right to have the crossbow on your back for? Do you mind me asking? That is my right.

Your rights? Yeah, that is my right to have a crossbow. Oh, I see. Okay, yeah. Second amendment. Yeah. He's an American first, Scott. I mean, somebody was, I heard somebody shooting guns in here earlier,

so therefore- That's a good point, yeah. We're all having fun. So I, you know, the crossbow in my bag is my right. You also have this big floppy hat and you have a cloak as well. It's the summertime. I don't get what's happening.

It's the summertime. If I was a vampire, you have a sleeve of garlic. You have a sleeve of garlic bulbs. Like a bandolier across your chest. Because I eat at bland restaurants. So sometimes I have to sort of- Go to a nice restaurant that uses garlic one of these days. No, no, no, no, no, no.

The restaurants that I go to- They charge you for that? They do. So it's like extra garlic. It's like, this town is crazy. Guacamole is expensive, extra garlic is expensive. So it's just so much. So I bring a lot of my own stuff.

I'm a food scientist. Of course I'm gonna walk around with food. With cloves of garlic, of course. And what's in that flask there that you have next to you? Is it, it looks like a clear liquid? Yes, it's water that has been blessed by a priest. Some would call it holy water. Oh, holy, I've heard of this stuff.

I mean, I wouldn't go anywhere near you if I was a vampire. But how I carry myself in my private life is different than who I am as a businessman. We're profiling you. It's a lot like saying, oh, he was wearing a hoodie, so he's up to no good. Exactly.

You happen to be wearing clothes of garlic and have holy water and hospo. Exactly. Once again, all these, and I get whatever, I get the references. I get your saying. These are all things that in movies, usually vampires are susceptible to. But in real life, we don't know these things. The only thing that 100% factually that we know about vampires is that they drink blood. They drink blood. Everything else we don't know.

The garlic made up. Even the fact that they exist, we don't know. Yeah, even the fact that they exist we don't know. But if they did, we know 100% with no question, you can put your child on the line. They would be drinking blood. Let me ask you this. Are you seeing a lot of

drained blood victims out in the world? Is that a report? I haven't even heard about one, honestly. No, I'm not seeing this. I mean, I look at a lot of police reports. Exsanguinated, perhaps? Exsanguinated, yes. I look at a lot of police reports. I see a lot of different files. Why are you looking at all these police reports? Because I'm trying to see if there are people who have died You know like I get crime scene foes and things

How do you get him honestly like if I if I were to call up the police be like Do you mind if I check out a bunch of your reports? I don't know that they would let me and they don't they don't do That is this I don't but you have to know guys. Oh and who know at the police department Oh, I don't know anybody at the police department, but I know people who can get into the police department. Cause I can tell you right now, the police department is not as sound as you think it is. Well, that's the thing is a lot of people go like,

how do I break out of jail? Getting in is like no problem. They let anyone in. Yes. Yes. What's going on, Alan? Are you all right? I just, I can't even believe what I'm,

I keep thinking about every conversation I've had with this woman and it was my wife and she knew it Yeah, the whole time. No. No, we heard I would Doesn't feel crazy to you that I'm also wondering if she's a vampire. Oh, that's a good Do you want to text her? I guess hang on a second because this could be exciting Yeah, we have a good question. Why not? Do you wanna text her? I mean, I guess, hang on a second. Because this could be exciting for you. Yeah, we have a test subject here, maybe. I'm sure she's not a vampire, that's interesting. If she's a vampire, tell her that I have Impossiblood

at a reasonable price. Can I taste this stuff? Oh, I actually do have samples. I have some samples of everybody. Oh, that's nice. Oh, great. Yeah. I'd love to try some Impossiblood. Let me put it on my arm so I can simulate cutting it open accidentally. Oh. Okay.

Now, here it is. I think about this impossible blood Slogan, I can't believe it's not blood What's the uh it's Cuz remember like I can't believe it's not butter. Are you trying to get the same? Oh, just kind of are you worried that it sounds like you're just trailing off and you don't know how to continue Well, it was like vampire cadence. Was that what that was? Yeah, I'm not I'm not a voice actor

So obviously somebody I'm gonna pay somebody in the studio to kind of do the Langston is a he's an actor He's a stand-up comedian. He's used to speaking in the mic. Can you do that for me? I can't believe it's not blood Yeah, okay. Yeah, no, no problem. Yeah, I'll try that. I can't believe it's not blood I kind of get it when you said yeah. Yeah. Well, you do me a favor. Can you cut that up and send that to me? Yeah How much are you paying? Yeah, I before we start cutting I'd like I'd like you to cut a few checks Yeah, before we start cutting, I'd like you to cut a few checks. A few?

Daddy don't work for free. You know what? I appreciate your hustle and guess what? Once these stuff starts flying off the shelf, you will be compensated completely. Do it for the exposure. Okay. Well, let's check in with Nancy. Nancy, answer me. Are you a vampire? Are you just asking that? Just now. Well, I got caught up in the taste in the blood Hey, this by the way, it tastes it tastes. I mean a lot of garlic

Anyway, that's spicy it I worry that the garlic you're carrying around with you might have gotten into this batch Okay. Yeah that that actually could be a problem Yeah, because if and I realize you're saying that it isn't necessarily true, but if it is true, you just killed you just killed vampires. Yeah. Okay, sure. Okay. All right. Listen, now have I been working on different sort of types of blood for a vampire who was like, you know what, I like blood, but I also like blood with a little bit of flavor. It's like different flavors of hot wings. Lemon lemon pepper Yes, I mean that's what you do with the rest. Yeah lemon pepper blood would be that definitely and I guess We got we got them we got whatever you need if vampires used to be humans and again, we don't know anything

What's really true, but they might miss eating. Yeah, right food. It's like impossible burgers. Yeah Mm-hmm. You know what you know that you made, mm-hmm. Right. Well, you know that. You made them. Yes, exactly. Right, if you're a person that used to eat animals and then now you don't eat animals anymore but you still want to believe that you're eating animals, then you're gonna try the Impossible.

For me, it's a mental thing where I'm like, it's the domination over the animal kingdom is what I enjoy about eating. I hate the taste. You like sort of feeling like the top of the food chain. Yeah, I love this. I'm eating you. I mean, and that makes a good point because even for the Sapasa Blood,

on the second wave, once we start making some money, we're gonna... Where? It's just me right now. But you'll have employees. Of course. And what I want to do is then give it for vampires who still want to feel like they're out there hunting humans. You could do sort of like a laser tag kind of situation. Well, simulated. Simulated. But then also you can buy, you know, like they have like sex dolls that people have sex with. It's like that.

It's like that. But the dolls are filled with blood, but you could just bite the doll and make it feel like you're biting a. Okay. Seems like a human. Okay. Seems like a lot of work. Hey, did Nancy text back? Yes. Nancy says, no, of course I'm not a vampire that's so like you to be so easily fooled. Fooled?

What is that about? She really went back to talking down to you pretty fast. This is a strange woman. What did I ever do to this woman? I gotta say. She's so mad at me. I'm sorry. How do you feel emotionally about this?

I mean, can you imagine that you had, that was your wife and now she's married to somebody else who you've known, so somebody else's name, you know. I know it's not technically true, but I feel super cucked. Oh. Yeah. You're a cuck of the highest order, my man. I can see that. Yes, I feel like I'm cucked not just by my wife having sex with somebody else, but by going

to extreme lengths to escape life with me, but then making sure that I'm still a witness to what her new life is. No, at the end of the year here on Comedy Bang Bang, we like to rank the beta cucks who have been on this show, and you're number one at this point. I hate to say it. I would be hard-pressed to think of who's going to out-beta cuck me. Langston, I got to say, you're bringing up, you're a close number two. I'll be honest, I'm just happy to not be number one.

Kilgore, the container that you're selling this blood in, I also have a question about this because it's two lines that intersect and it sort of looks like the means and method of death that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ died upon. Oh, you mean the cross font? Yeah. I just thought that looked really cool. Yeah, it does look cool. It's awesome. Yeah, now everybody loves it. Yeah, but it's also in the shape of the containers, the shape of a cross as well. Yeah, it's easier to grip. Like it's easier to like walk around. It's pretty easy to grip this, you're right.

Yeah, I like how it feels in my hand. I honestly enjoy the taste. I worry for your customers. Yeah, your target market. And I understand all the worries and I could tell you right now, if you are a vampire listening and honestly, if you're a CBB fan, I'm sure you're out there. Yeah. And if so, if you are...

Got nothing to do but listen to podcasts at night, right when they come out at midnight. And this town, it shuts down at two o'clock. What are you doing? So if you're out there, you're listening. I can promise you, even though it feels like some of the things might be actually out to hurt you, trust me, that is not my intention. My intention is to serve you. What's this holy water flavored blood? Oh, that is for that. Because if it's true that vampires can't walk into a church, they still want to be like religious.

So it doesn't have actual holy water in it. I mean, no, it's a little sprinkle. Because it's like that thing where, you know how people like to punish themselves sometimes? Yeah. So it's almost like- It's a whole flagellation? If holy water hurts you, it's like, you get a little taste, it's like you whipping yourself or something.

Oh, okay. It's like how people order the spiciest thing on the menu. Right. And then all they do is eat food that's burning their mouth and they're crying. And you can't be actually enjoying it, but the feeling of having their mouth on fire is what's really... Also, I see that these are flavored with mustard seeds,

which in Europe was rumored to be a weakness of a vampire. Okay, I didn't know that you were gonna read my whole recipe when you asked me to show you my recipe. Yeah, they... Uses 10% running water, which is also a weakness of vampires, and wild rose and hawthorn.

Yes, and I can tell you right now, if you're a vampire, my product will not hurt you. And if you by some chance take my product and die or explode or however else a vampire would be gunned. No money back guarantee because I guarantee you that my product didn't do that. What's the guarantee part of it? The guarantee is that my product didn't do that. If you ain't dead, I guarantee it.

If you are alive after my product, that's my product. If you are dead after my product, that's not me That's not that's someone else. That's something else. You have to check I mean, I mean when you say you guarantee it though, what's the guarantee the guarantee is well All the things that you can check off one thing you can check off for sure is that well, I know this impossible I didn't do it when one gives a guarantee There's like some sort of recompense Scott. I don't think you understand. Yeah, there's like some sort of recompense. Scott, I don't think you understand. Yeah, there's like a no money back guarantee.

This is not a guarantee. I guarantee you bought the product and you're gonna use the product and not die. Yeah, the guarantee is if there's a list of things that you need to check off to figure out how did I die, the one thing that you can guarantee to check off is the fact that Impossiblood did not do it. In the instructions it says only to be used in direct sunlight?

Oh. Well, yeah, because we're all hot blooded. Oh. Right. So you got to warm the blood up. And nothing warms the blood up better than the sun. Hey, do vampires shit? It's a good question.

That is a great question. Because all they drink is blood, right? I'm gonna ask Nancy. Yeah. So, this was my question about soup. Do vampires shit? This is Alan Szent. I wanna get in it.

This is my question about soup is like, you drink it, so do you pee it? No, I think you shit it. I think you shit it. Yeah, so I think with blood it's the same thing. Yeah, you shit it. Vampires must never pee, but they always shit? They're always shitting, baby. I mean, and I bet this shit, you know, like if you shit and

And sometimes it's red cuz you know, you're shitting blood. Yeah, I bet they do that all the time and it's nothing to them That's usually an anal fissure of some sort though. It's not the blood. The the shit isn't bloody. Oh, no, my shit is bleeding Your anus is bloody killed my? Do we have an answer from Nancy yet? Yes, let me see. They do. Okay, well, good to know. My husband is an expert in vampires. Oh. He told me. Okay, we got it. I really need you to come back with her at some point. I agree. Invite the husband as well. Yeah, and give me that address. I want to send him some blood and see what he thinks. I'm not... Look, okay, I will send you the address.

Appreciate that. Yeah, just share a contact. I'll invite him, Scott. I don't know what they're gonna do. Nancy and Sydney, they gotta come back and they gotta break all this. This is Sid and Nancy? Yeah, Sid and Nancy. Sid and Nancy! Hang on a second. Are you Sid and Nancy? Sid and Nancy? The famous Sid and Nancy from...

Hang on. Well, how do I say it? Sid Vish, yeah, I don't know. Are you Sid Vish's and Nancy Sponges? Sponges, I believe, yeah. Aren't they dead? When is this? Aren't they dead? They're both dead.

So my wife, I thought was dead. Yeah, his wife was dead moments ago. That's a good point. It would have been around the same time. It's right around then. Like when did- Was I married to a punk rock? When did you meet and get married?

It was before, in like 1970 we got married. Oh okay, so she's probably not the Nancy. Who knows? I don't know who these people are. I'm excited either way. She swapped into Nancy's body. I need you to come back and we'll figure this out, but we are running out of time guys. I'm sorry to say, but we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called Plugs. Give me those plugs. I want those plugs. I'd also take drugs.

But I mostly want plugs. Scotty Ox is my zaddy. He's staring at my big maddies. His nipples hard as rocks. Give me those plugs. Scot nipples hard as rocks. Give me those blood Scotty odds. All right. That was Big Natties by Dr. Ocho Diablo.

I apologize to the woman that got roped into that. Staring at those big natties, Scott. And guys, what are we plugging? Obviously Langston, August 20th is the day that everyone can watch bad poetry on Netflix. Yeah. Bad poetry on Netflix. It comes out August 20th.

It was directed by the great John Mulaney and it's going to be really cool and funny. And does he like step in and do like a half hour in the middle of your thing? So you're only doing like 10 minutes. Yeah. He went, Hey, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Hey, here's me. And if you watch this, is this going to fuck up your Netflix algorithm or it's, you're going to have the most beautiful algorithm after you watch it.

That I think it's really going to help you finally curate that algorithm you've been searching for. It's going to fine tune that thing. You're not going to see any of those weird Korean shows you've been trying for. It's going to fine tune that thing. You're not going to see any of those weird Korean shows you've been trying to cut out. Hey, and you're a bigot and you got to deal with that. This is the person. This is the person. This isn't me. I love Korea. Yeah. Both versions of it. And anything else going on? Oh, and listen to My Mama Told Me. It's a podcast that I host with my friend David Borey. We talk about conspiracy theories, specifically black conspiracy theories. Is Nancy black, by the way?

Could we get her on this? Nancy's not black. I'm sorry. She wouldn't be a good candidate. I think you should text her and ask before you... Are you black? Have you been wearing that makeup Eddie Murphy wore in that SNL short where he played a white person? Three dots. And Kilgore Van Helsing, what do you want to plug?

I want to plug obviously Impossible Blood. I can't believe it's not blood. Thank you to Langston Kerman for giving me my slogan for free We'll see pro bono wait right now. I mean like I said once it kicks once it kicks off So I'm definitely pumping that I'm working on the website right now But once that's up and running if you say in the slot where it says about discounts I heard you on CBB or something like that. Then I can give you a 10% discount on the first blood Seems like you could pay me with that 10%. Well, you know, it all kind of goes back into the business.

Is it a subscription service where you're trying to get them like 10% off the first month, but you got to give your credit card and then you got to- Oh, it's for sure, it's one of those situations where, right, it tracks only if it's something that you get every month. And obviously once you have my blood, you're gonna wanna continue to eat from it.

It's just basic survival. Right, and also I know I've been only speaking to people who are vampires if you're out there, but if you're a human that just also likes to eat blood, my blood is also for you. So Impossible Blood, it's for everybody. Impossible Blood is for the people. That's a different slogan, but it's-

Langston, do you mind saying that one? Just a- Do you want the accent or I just say that? No, no, no accent for this one. No accent. That's for everybody. Impossiblood is for everybody. Oh yeah.

They love that. Ooh, love the tone, love the tone. All right, one take. A smile in his voice. Just like Lionel Richie in the song Hello. One take. Is that what he did? That's right. A smile in his voice. Just like Lionel Richie in the song, Hello. One take. Is that what he did? That's right.

Whoa. God damn these dudes. Alan Freeman, what do you got? I want to plug nothing because my career is a lie and a joke. Normally I would plug the republishing of the Quantum Soldiers, but there's no point because my life is a shit. Honestly, it's a weird story that your wife came back and she wants you to publish these three books especially that seem to have nothing to do with her particulars.

Seems to be sort of inspired by, but not really what's going on. I don't know what- Like adjacent certainly, but not- I don't know what's going on. I'm going to be honest, Nancy sucks, man. I think so too. I would say you could do better, but you're pretty old. Yeah, you're right.

I think nobody would be better. I think it's be, you know what? I want to plug Richard Pryor live in concert. Yeah. It's on Netflix. It's a bit of a product of its time, but a showcase of an amazing talent. What if they suggested that right after Langston's special? They're like, you like good comedy?

Here's one equally as good. Here's one that aged complicated. Yeah, it's complicated. It's complicated for sure. I wanna plug the CBB Tour. And now this is very exciting. We have new dates. That's right.

New dates on the tour. We're doing a little bit of an East Coast thing. Let me tell you exactly what they are. Okay, October 16, Montreal. You've asked for it, you want us back. October 17, Troy, New York. October 18, New Haven, Connecticut. October 20, Tarrytown, New York.

And October 21st, we have Red Bank, New Jersey. Playing New Jersey for the first time. So that'll be exciting. These go on sale this week, and they're gonna go on sale the pre-sale, I believe is Wednesday, and with the code bang24, and then to the regular on sale on Friday. So these are all with Paul F. Tompkins

and the Comedy Bang Bang All-Stars. So head out and see us then. We also have UK dates. Well, first of all, we're doing the West Coast this weekend. Wednesday, we're in Sacramento. Thursday, we are in Oakland. Friday, we're in Portland for two shows. Saturday, Seattle.

Sunday for Vancouver. And then we head over to the UK and Ireland, and we're doing London, Bristol, Manchester, Glasgow, and Dublin. All of those can be found at CBBworld.com slash tour. I also want to talk about the action figures that the pre-orders are still up for. We have the Sprague the Whisperer and Big Sue action figures. They are out there. If you saw the Scott and JW Stillwater figures, you're going to want to get these as well. They'll be shipping in September next month. They are available for customers worldwide at shop.figurecollections.com with free shipping

with the US address. Or if you're in Europe, you get cheaper import fees at action figure seller dot com. And you should check these out because this is phase two. We have several more phases planned and these are very, very fun. I hope you enjoy these. All right, let's close up the old plugbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Oh, haunting. That was Good Morrow by Nels for Smells. I love that. Yeah. Put a chill down my spine. Wow. Guys, I want to thank you so much Yeah. Ooh, put a chill down my spine. Wow.

Guys, I wanna thank you so much. Langston, always a pleasure to have you come back anytime. This is so fun. So fun to have you and can't wait to see your special. I'm gonna have to though, because it does not come out till the 20th. And that Netflix interface where they give you early press releases

is impossible to crack. Yeah, they haven't even talked to me about that. Hell yeah. Seems like they're really banking on you guys just showing up. They really don't want anyone to watch these things before they come out. Nope. And obviously Kilgorven, Helsing,

so great to meet you and- Dude, stop trying to bite me. Yeah, what is going on? I just wanted to see, I wanted to test to see what your reflex is. It seems, here's what it seems like to me. You now realize Nancy is out of your life, and you want to be intimate with another person, and now you're like putting your mouth on Kilgore over here?

You are reading way, I'm just testing to see if he's a good vampire. Do I feel a connection? Yes. Is this a vulnerable time for me? Extremely. Well, what do you think Kilgore? I mean, if you're interested in Alan here, if you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. I'm too focused on my work right now to- I appreciate the honesty. That's fair.

Is that an excuse or because here's what I found. When someone's really interested in someone, all the sort of barriers between the relationship just sort of melt away. Work can be put aside if you really like someone. In honesty, if somebody became a child to get away from their husband and then sort of live kind of the worst period of her child's life from teenage years on again to get away from them, then maybe that

person is not the person for me. Got it. I gotta admit, it's not a great reference for me. My story. I hear you. Hey, is Nancy black, by the way? Yeah, did she ever write back? She said BRB, so I didn't get an answer on that.

I didn't get an answer. Be right back? Or black? Be right black. I'm not gonna, I don't want that screenshot out there. Yeah. Black right, baby. Alan, wonderful to have you on.

Please come back along with Nancy and Sid, I guess, Sydney? Sydney, yes. I, maybe, I don't know, I don't know. You don't even know if this person's name is Sydney? His name is Sydney. I don't know if I'm gonna come back. Okay, I wanna see you back here though with both of you guys. But I appreciate the invite. And don't even know if this person's name is Sydney. His name is Sydney. I don't know if I'm gonna come back Okay, I want to see you back here. I appreciate that Yeah, and that goes for everyone here. Please come back all of you and it doesn't have to be all at the same

You know moment it doesn't I mean now we'll only do this together, right boys. That's it I'm not coming back like a flu. Honestly, if this blood takes off, you're never gonna hear from me