Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Live at The Belasco w/ Lily Sullivan, Paul F. Tompkins, Claudia O’Doherty, Andy Daly, Carl Tart, Tim Baltz

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

Recorded live from The Belasco in Downtown, Los Angeles as part of the Netflix Is A Joke Festival, Scott welcomes to the stage pizzeria owner Tony Sony, world records custodian Fred Guinness, Claudia O’Doherty, politician/game show host Chip Gardner, athlete/actor O.J. Simpson, and podiatrist Harry Footman. Get tickets for the Comedy Bang! Bang! Into Your Mouth Tour 2024 over at https://CBBWorld.com/tour

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, which is the podcast you're listening to. And what you're about to listen to is the first live episode of 2024, the first live episode we recorded just last week. This is live from Los Angeles at the Belasco Theater, and it's just a taste of what's to come in the Bang Bang Into Your Mouth 24 Tour, which starts in June, very, very soon. We hope to see you out there. It's Paul F. Tompkins, myself, and the CBB All-Stars. We're going to be going to so many cities. We're going to Boston, Brooklyn, Philly, Washington, DC,

Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. We're going to be visiting all of these cities. We hope to see you out there. For tickets, go to cbbworld.com slash tour. That's comedybang bang dot com slash tour. And you can get tickets for almost all of those shows, although some of them are sold out. Get the tickets while you can. We're going to be so happy to be out there to see all of you this summer. And so without further ado, this is live from Los Angeles, Comedy Bang Bang. Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend

Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend

Come and be my friend Come and be my friend Come and be my friend What the fuck is going on here? These are Primozitos. Oh my God. They're on their way? How do you know, sir? He gave me a, I don't know, for benefiting the doubt. Thank you so much. I gotta do this, hold on one sec.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Richard Nixon is trying to kill me in my sleep. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Can I still jump? I don't know. Testing it out. Thank you to Alfredo Salis Fuentes, Catchphrase Superstar, for that. Hi guys.

You gave me a real friendly like, hi. I appreciate that sir, welcome. Welcome to the show. What are you drinking there? Coke. Wonderful. Enjoy the show. And your Coke.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Los Angeles Sold Out Show. My name is Scott Aukerman. It's so wonderful to have you guys here. The fact that you remember us and you keep coming back to these shows is incredible. We have a great one for you tonight. A little bit later. We have an actor, I believe. We have someone in politics. We have another actor. Who else? Check my notes. A podiatrist.

Good show. No, it is going to be a good one. How many of you have been to a Comedy Bang Bang show? We love it. Our super fans. How many people have been to one of the shows on the Netflix is a Joke Fest yet? Ooh, this festival is a disaster. But QB is here. The Netflix is a Joke, period fest. fest, mascot, QB. We all remember Vincent from the Just for Laughs fest,

who resigned in disgrace. But now QB, we love him, or her, or them. Hi. The sound person like approached really in a startling manner. Netflix is a Joke Fest. Wonderful to be here. We have a long history with Netflix in the sense that our TV show was on there for years

and then suddenly wasn't. Why? No one ever told me. Sold out show, and this is technically the kickoff to our tour. Thought he was sitting down, just checking things out. Making sure everything's copacetic over there. Everything was, it seemed like. I love that. Very friendly interaction between the two of you. Wonderful. It is our, we are also celebrating our 15th anniversary this week. We have been going so long that some of the first podcasts like Serial and Conan and Smartless,

we've been going longer than they have been going put together, which doesn't seem possible. You may ask, what am I doing up here? I'm just stalling until everyone gets settled, pretty much. We have a great show. Some of your favorite performers are here. If you've never seen a comedy bang bang show or listened to the podcast, essentially this is an unplanned conversation. I will bring on guests like a talk show.

We've not discussed what we're going to talk about beforehand. The minute the performers are allowed backstage, we put noise-canceling headphones on them. And we bind and gag them as well, so there's no communication between any of us before the show. So are you guys get, are you guys get ready to, boy, this is the first show. Are you guys get ready to start it? Are you get ready to start it? All right. Let me bring out our first guest, essentially a co-host for the evening. We first spoke to him with our good friend Jake Johnson when his mother, the publicist, thought she was calling the Sony lot and instead turned out she was calling the proprietor

of Pizza Place. Please welcome to the show Tony Sony! Oh my god, wow! Look at this crowd! Oh my god, what a biggest crowd I've ever seen in my fucking life, this crowd! Wow, the size of an audience. This crowd, how you doing, Skyler? Oh my God, I'm gonna come on and pinch your cheeks. I'm gonna pinch your freaking cheeks.

Give me that neck, I want that neck. Are you strangling me? What do you wanna do with it? I just think, give me your love and touch. Give me those ear lobes. Alright, Tony, keep your hands to yourself. Look how far over we are. You're really backing away.

Be careful of this area. We don't want to fall off the stage. Yeah, okay, okay. When do we sit down? My, my gams are... Your gams? Tony, you are an Italian-American gentleman. You're not a woman. May I remind you? My gums are raking. Oh, God. Getaway sticks?

All day long, I'm making the pizza fly. What'd you say? It's a good sign that we're saying, what did you say so early in the show? Hey, I'm just trying... Sit down, sit down. Okay, I get to sit here? Is that your water right there? It is, but if you need it. Yeah, I'm gonna need it later.

When I'm making the pizza. Did you know something? Did you know you're the love of my life? I don't think so. I think your wife, you're a married man. Oh, no, I hate my fucking wife Don't make me you don't get me started on my freaking wife You also you you also have a gumma My mom oh

Most beautiful woman I ever seen in my life. You're right scouts. She's a love my freaking life I look her in the eyeballs. I say do you know that every day is a blessing with you? And when I wake up, I think, thank God that he put me here with you, with your head on the pillow like that. You know, usually when you have a guma, the relationship is you do your business with her. I don't know what you decide to do when it comes to business with your guma. Oh, what are you talking about?

You mean talk for hours? I guess, in addition to other things. But then you leave and you go back home to your wife. And you wake up with your wife. I don't want to talk about my wife, OK? Freaking Nobel Peace Prize winning wife. I don't want to talk about her. She won the Nobel Peace Prize? She won the Nobel Peace Prize.

For what? She cured a disease. Did they get the Peace Prize? The Nobel Peace Prize for that? Maybe. Yeah, there's peace now. Nobody has to deal with the disease anymore. What disease did she cure, if you don't mind me asking? It was a butt disease. You know she's a butt doctor. Proctologist, you mean?

She's a butt doctor. She invented, you remember, she invented BBL. The Brazilian butt lift. Yes. Right, yes. I told you, I gave you a nice deal on BBL. I may take you up on that, because's a long tour and these chairs are not that comfortable. You need some more cushion back there. I see you. I see you. I say, Scott,

come on, please. Let me give you a BBL. Let me get some meat on that thing. So she is the creator of the BBL and there was some sort of butt disease going on? Yeah, it was such sad stuff that butt disease Took out so many likable people Kim Kardashian. She's dead. I Hadn't heard the news. She died RIP to a real one Yeah, it was a body double at the Met Gala. Really was it? That's right, yeah. That little sweater she had over that big sparkly dress. All a body

double. So you're really into Fatchet? I, my Gu-Ma loves fashion, okay? That's right, lean back. Let's stretch out a little bit. This is a good impulse. I wish I didn't wear this little shirt. Maybe you should have worn your apron tonight. Yeah, well, so obviously, you know, I do stand up at the freaking pizza shop, right? That's right, yeah.

We've talked about this. Tony here is an amateur comedian. Yeah, amateur, sure, right. Look at me in front of this big fucking crowd. Love them. I like this crowd. Wow. I think they're here for the show, not necessarily you.

In fact, you were not advertised. No, wait. This is a Sony sponsored event. That's right. Sony is sponsoring this. Sony sponsored this. Sony's So New York Pizza? Yeah.

I use my wife. I use my allowance I get from my wife. One million dollars a month. I says, what can I get for this fucking theater? What can I put up that the people would like? He says, how about a couple of speakers? So you just rented these speakers right here? You're welcome.

How's the sound everybody? It sounds fucking great, doesn't it? Everybody's like, wow, that's the best sound I ever heard in my life. Sound of a microphone. Now you make pizzas of An unusual size. I make pizzas the size of your fucking head Scott. Biggest pizzas you ever seen in your life. These are small pizzas. They're huge. We got, what do we got? We got cheese, size of eyebrows. Eyebrows, what?

Eyebrow cheese, size of your eyebrows. Size of your eyebrows. Yes. The slices or the actual block of cheese? The chunks of cheese, the size of your eyebrows. You know what I'm talking about. No. Okay.

We got, what else we got? We got sauce. Look, I'm like, you have to lean back with me. I'm just trying to mirror what you're doing. I realize that this is how I talk in the studio. What else? We got sauce. We got pepperoni sizing your eyeballs.

Did I say that? Those are small pepperoni. Those are like micro pepperoni. Biggest pepperoni you've ever seen in your fucking life. And we got a new topping, Scott. New topping? Really? This is huge news. This is... Wow, listen to the crowd. Oh gosh, they're free. Oh my God, I can't fucking wait to hear. We got side of Parmesan. I thought you said topping. It's on the side?

We got the most beautiful, biggest side of Parmesan you've ever seen in your life, Scott. The size of a jar. It's fucking unbelievable. People come in, oh, I can't wait to top my pizza with some light. Tony, I just, I don't think these are big pizzas.

These are, you keep saying they're the biggest ones. I truly don't think so. Fucking huge, all of New York. We won biggest pie contest in 2002. Right after 9-Eleven. I know that's what you were thinking. Okay, sure. I know that's what you were thinking. In the shadow of 9-Eleven.

Oh, God. People were still reeling, but New York was coming together. It's only 7-23. I gotta mention 9-Eleven. Before the show gets going. I just, Tony, these are small pizzas. I certainly don't think you hold the world record for pizza size. What do you think the biggest pie in the world is, Scott?

What, the size of a wheel? The size of a fucking umbrella? What are you thinking? You know, I have no idea honestly, but there is someone we could call to find out. Who in the world would know something like that? Wait, Brett, is it possible to make a phone call from the stage here? Could we call Fred Guinness? Could we call Fred Guinness?

Brett's giving a thumbs up the other guys going Is it possible to call Fred Guinness because he's in Ireland right now, I'm not sure what the time difference is Oh, wow Ireland home of home of the bread That's what they always say home of the bread bread. Never been but boy do I want to go. I feel like you said bread the first time and then burg the second. I'm... What are you looking at my lips? Yes I am. I got implants. Yeah. You have lip implants? Yeah. My wife you know she fucking does a BBL. She has extra silicone, whatever. She says, where you been? Where you been?

You haven't been here. OK, fine, whatever. I've been working at the pizza shop. She goes, why don't I shove this in your lips? OK, I think it's ringing. It's ringing? I assume it's ringing. It's ringing? I assume it's ringing. Oh, okay.

A graphic came up on the screen. Brett, is it ringing? It's ringing. Hello? Hello? Hello, Fred? Hello? Hey, Scott?

Yeah, Fred Guinness? Yeah, man, it's 3.30 in the morning. 3.26, I would imagine? Yeah, man, it's 3.30 in the morning. 3.26, I would imagine. Okay, okay. What's up, man? I'm sorry, Fred, I don't know what hours you keep. I always thought you were...

That's all right. I thought you were a night owl, but I apologize. I had a Guinness Book of World Records related question for you. Oh, yeah. We've been swamped lately, Scott. There's been so many records lately. Really? Like what? Oh my God. There's been some updates on a few. We got a update on the oldest niece. Let me ask you, Fred. Yeah. Do you qualify, in order to qualify, does your aunt still have to be alive?

Yes. So then wouldn't there be an oldest aunt's record as well? Nope. Wow. Everybody's so prejudiced against aunts, you know? Nobody registered. You got to register to break a record. And this niece, she wanted it bad. So how old is this niece, if you don't mind me asking? She's 81 years old.

don't mind me asking. She's 81 years old. Okay, I mean that's old but for a niece? Yeah, but her aunt is 165. And she didn't register? Didn't register. She didn't want it bad enough. Man. That's a missed opportunity. We got another one, the fastest wheelbarrow. Pfft. Can I guess what speed? Sure. Price is right rules? Absolutely. One dollar.

I don't get that. I'm sorry, you're in Ireland. I keep forgetting. There's an American television show called Price is Right. No, no, no. I know what the Price is Right is. I don't know how $1 is a unit of speed. You don't know what $1 is in relation to the Price is Right? Come on, man.

Scotty. I'm sorry. So let me guess. 10 miles an hour? 15. Wow, dang. That blew me out of the water. Who's out, Tony, Tony!

Hey, how you doing, Fred? What is up, my man? My man told me, what kind of bread you eating right now? Oh my God, that good Irish bread. I knew it, I can hear it in your mouth, I can hear it rolling. I know, the first, I keep by the by the bedside in case you know wake up in the middle of the night I get a little peckish oh I'm so jealous

Wow sounds unbelievable I can't wait to go something you've never been to I want to come over I know I want to go the sand. What? The sand I believe. Oh yeah you gotta see the Irish sand. Tony we're at the sand. Tony we had a question about a particular. Red you said pony because you're obsessed with me. It's fine. Well, maybe I was talking to you. Have you ever thought about that? Whoa, wait, what was that? Tony, we had a question. Oh, okay. Yeah, we had a question for Fred. For Fred. Fred, here's our question. What is the world's biggest pizza? biggest pizza?

The world's biggest pizza was constructed in 1999. And it measured the circumference of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. That's a big pizza. That makes sense. Yeah, and then rat-dated. Wow. That's a big pizza. That makes... Yeah. And then rats ate it. Wow. They descended upon it from every burrow.

They heard about it in other burrows? They called each other. I remember this. I remember. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was disgusting. Wow.

And then they got into the biggest... Then they set a record for the biggest rat king. How big was this rat king? I'm gonna say 250,000 rats, all tied by the tail. I seen one of those before. It's a scary thing, it's a scary monster. Only way to kill it, whistle them soda pop. That's right, yeah, you pour soda pop on the Rat King.

The bubbles make them go crazy. That's right. They burp themselves to death. Yeah. Really? You want a sad sight seeing those rats. Do you have rats in your... So many fucking rats. How big are these rats?

Oh, these rats, the size, the biggest rats you've ever seen in your life. They're the size of a tissue box That's kind of big Nasty nasty, but I make friends I got my friends The rats yeah You have to have a couple red friends, you know keep the rest of my leg. Yeah. Yeah, see he knows friendos How old is the oldest rat friend? The oldest rat friend, hold on a second.

Are you flipping through the book right now, Fred? Yes, exactly, yes. Oldest rat friend. Oldest rat friend is the actor Rupert Everett, and he is in his 50s. So he's a friend to the rats. Yes. So okay, it works both ways. Great. Yeah. Oh, did you want to know what the oldest rat friend who is a rat? Sure. I'd love to know that. Or a friend to humans that is a rat. Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, okay, sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Seven. Whoa, that's the oldest rat I ever heard about.

Seven? Seven. Yeah. How long do rats end up living? Hundred years. And the seven year old is the oldest one you've ever heard about? Come on, Tony. Well, I poured the soda pop on mine, so I've only met the

youngins you know what I'm talking about. I think I know what you're talking about. Tony is a famous rat murderer. Tony's a famous rat murderer is that what you said Fred? Yeah. Yeah. Not the most famous rat murderer though. No. Famous for rat murder or can you be famous like, you know, a Jay Leno type and then... Oh, that's a good question. I'm not sure why I'm putting killing rats on his name. Oh, I love Jay Leno. You do? Really? Yeah, I love his outfits. Canadian tuxedo!

His big fucking chin! It's not part of his outfit. No notes. Perfect. No notes. Did you find what you were looking for in that book? Yes. The oldest rat friend who is a rat friend to humanity. Wait, did we move on? Was there another question?

Oh no. Yeah, that one was a hundred, right? Yes, but no, he was not. No, Tony, that's you. The brown rat lives two years and a black rat lives 12 months. Whoa. 12 months. Why so long for the brown rat? I think they just know how to live. You know what I mean?

They just don't stress. They smoke. They drink wine. Yeah. They got that. They're living in a blue zone, you know? Have you heard this? No.

No, what is that? I seen it on TikTok before, my Guma shows me. Basically, if you live in a blue zone, you're eating a Mediterranean, a lot of light fish. Maybe a little rice here and there, maybe a chunk of bread, maybe a little bit of wine. But you're just, you're baking in the sun, you live longer than anybody. It's facts. These are facts.

What? Skin cancer. Alcoholism. Oh my God, he kills my bus. Fred, that's your name. Yeah, Fred. Yeah. Can I, can you, do you, I mean, we're in the middle of a live show.

We're calling you from the Belasco in Los Angeles. Oh, cool. Yeah. We, we, we're trying to set the record for, for rowdiest crowd. And one guy, one guy chipped in. Wow. That's not bad. Not bad, but I'm afraid that the record is still held by the crowd from January 6th at the nation's capital.

Damn. It'd be hard press to find a route of your crowd. They stole podiums! I might steal a cube. I don't know. Wow, look at that thing. I wish you could see this cube, Fred. The biggest cube you've ever seen in your life. Are there some of the famous Netflix cubes around?

Yeah. There's one at least. Maybe there's more. Maybe there's like a cube hunt going on backstage. Oh, please let there be a cube hunt going on. My favorite kind of fucking thing is a cube hunt. You guys ever seen a cube this fucking big? Let me hear it.

Listen to that crowd. How did we do, Fred? Sorry, still got to beat the QAnon Shaman. Well maybe someone will jump up here and steal that. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Hey Scott, we got some new dark records unfortunately. New dark records.

Oh, oh yeah. Okay, now if you haven't heard Fred Guinness talk about the dark records. These are unofficial World's records that are in the book. They're they're in a special book that we keep at the Guinness headquarters Okay, can you can you tell us what these are? Just tell you a few longest drowning Oh these are? I'll just tell you a few. Longest drowning. Oh no. It's supposed to be really painful when you drown, isn't it? Oh it's not good. Yeah, this was a woman named Agnes Semple and she was on vacation in Greece and she drowned in the Aegean Sea and it took all day long it was 12 hours. You mean to tell me she drowned in a blue zone? She drowned in a blue zone, yeah.

So they're not all perfect. Was she eating right at least? Oh no, she looked gorgeous. Oh, that's nice to hear. Very well preserved. That is, that's awful. Twelve hours. Did she keep like getting like almost out of the water and then drag back in? What happened? She was just sinking so slowly.

Did it start at her ankles or? Well, I mean, I guess it always does, right? Unless you jump in head first. So when do you start the clock, Fred? It's when it's when the water gets into your lungs. Oh, okay. Oh, yes. So the water was just trickling in there. And then eventually, you know, she got topped off. She sounds full of water. Tony, you've nailed it. We got another one here. Most candy denied to children. Most candy denied to children. Most candy denied to children.

Yes, there was Easter Sunday 2018 in Minneapolis and there was a guy dressed up as the Easter bunny for a sort of church event after services and he just wasn't feeling it that day. And the kids were so mad. He had a huge basket of candy and he would not, there was approximately 200 children. And that is the largest amount of children that have been denied candy by one person. Tell me something. Did he at least give the kids some eggs?

Nope, not a thing. But he does not hold the record for most eggs denied to children. Who holds that dark record, Tony? Late to President Gerald Ford. I knew I didn't like him for some reason. Yeah, after he retired and left the White House, when kids would trick or treat,

he would offer them a hard-boiled egg, and then when they reluctantly opened their bag, he would say, psych, and then throw it over his shoulder back into his house. Over his shoulder? Yep. He didn't care. Wow. Wow. Any, do we have any more dark records, Tony? Yeah. What's your name?

Least lovable. My name is still Fred. You gave him an authority. Least lovable pet. Tony or what's your name? My name is still Fred. Least lovable pet. I'm interested in this one because I think I have a lovable pet. Yeah. Who got this record? Well this one is a tie, a very rare tie for any kind of world record.

And it is all snakes. What are they? Ball snakes? All snakes. I don't know, I met a snake or two I liked. Liked. Not loved. That's right.

You're supposed to love a pet. Yeah. You ever have a snake? I have a ball snake, if that's what you're asking. But we can talk about that backstage. No, no, please. I don't want to hear anymore. Will you wrap your balls in a snake?

Never mind. That's what he does. Fred, any more dark records there or? Just one more. Drunkest surgeon. Now this better go to my wife. Is your wife a surgeon, Tony? Yeah, she does BBL. She's a butt surgeon.

Oh, I guess that counts. You would accept it if it were in the book. Yeah, if it were like, you know, least impressive surgeon, sure. So who won drunkest surgeon? A guy named Sergio Fatimono, and he is in Tuscany, and he just drinks wine all day day and he's a thoracic surgeon and he is very he's as drunk as he is he's surprisingly good at heart transplants Wow Wow what a name for a surgeon Sergio you couldn't make it up. Certainly not on the spot. Well, Fred, this is such a service you're doing for us to tell us about all these world records. I know it's 3 now 41 in the morning there in Ireland, but do you think, I mean, we're doing a big show here.

Do you think you could stick around and... Oh, yeah, I'll help now, you know. Yeah, yeah, just chime in occasionally. All right. That's not a direction, by the way, when I say occasionally. As often as you like. No, no, no. I meant that, you know, given the nature of this, I'm sure it'll all go swimmingly.

Well, maybe you set the record for most chime-ins. I don't know. Yeah, I would love that. Oh, I wasn't contention for that. Let's see how it goes. All right. Well, Fred Guinness, everyone. Wow. From Ireland's. Enjoy the bread over there. Love it. Love the bread.

Well Tony, are you ready to get to our next guest? Absolutely. I can't freaking wait. It's a celebrity, right? It's a celebrity. A big freaking celebrity? A huge celebrity. One of the biggest celebrities of my fucking life look we're in Los Angeles

Oh, and you know my Rolodex, baby It's for a celebrity get them into there Hey, that's one chime in name the biggest name that you're counting name the three biggest celebrities you got in your Rolodex three biggest Yeah alive You're counting. Name the three biggest celebrities you got on your Rolodex. Three biggest? Yeah. A lie, because several of them are no longer with us. Boy, it's been a bad year, hasn't it? It has. It has.

Kim Kardashian, we lost them. Yes, of course. RIP. Yeah. And then the handjob man was recently referenced almost in a rap song. Yeah, the Handjob Man. So close. Inches away.

Inches away. Can we get him to get a mention? But this is a bigger star than all of them. They've only done one live show before with us. It was a special one, and that was in I would say a different continent yeah which is international international which is where they're from oh did we give it away who is it to give us a guess one two three pit bull what ladies and gentlemen, Pitbull.

Pitbull! No, no, no, no, no. Mr. Worldwide is not with us. Where you want me to sit? Where do I go? Here? I don't care. I'm having enough trouble with my part of the stage.

I love you, okay? You're the love of my fucking life. I love you, I love you. We love each other. Okay, we love each other. Everybody stay calm. All right, all right. They're one of the biggest stars here in Los Angeles, you're gonna go crazy when you see them.

Please welcome Claudio Doherty. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh my god! Wow! Wow!

Wow! It is so lucky I heard you introduce me because we were having such a loud cube hunt backstage. Were you? Yes. How many cubes did you hunt for? And then how many did you find? We were hunting for 17 and ultimately we found zero. But there was a lot of yelling, Scott.

Wow. We were yelling a lot. Yeah. Where do you think they're hidden? I couldn't tell you. Everywhere I haven't looked so far. Yeah, that's it. Tell me, did you check the bathroom?

No, that's a great idea actually. I'd love to go to the bathroom. I'd love to go to the bathroom. I do need to go to the bathroom. Do you need to go right now? We'll wait. Yeah, I think I can hold it. Okay. No, you go, go.

I'm, bring the microphone. I'm too excited. I'm too excited to go to the bathroom. I mean, I am in shock that I'm here. Yeah, very exciting to have you. We we I mean, you've been on the regular show quite often, but then you were on in Sydney, Australia years ago. Right. Which is where where you're from.

It's where I wish I was right now. OK. I'm trying to get back there, but my mom keeps sending me back here. Right. Did you, can I ask, did you win another? Don't even ask. Well I was, I mean this was very recent. I was taking my evening stroll out by the Velasco Theater because there's no greater

place in downtown Los Angeles to walk. I love downtown, it's so beautiful. Beautiful! It's a beautiful place to be. Every part about it, every street corner. The smell. Wow, how did they get it so clean and nice? It's so relaxing down here.

And so, you know, I get a text alert on my phone and thinking what the hell is this I thought my phone was on silent that's unusual for you to have a very unusual after midday I'm not getting any tests after like noon or yeah midday midday do you say that in America? Midday. I... Well, I speak Australian so I know it's... You... What's... Do you have like an Australian accent you can do, Toni? Yeah. I knew I'd have to bust it out at some point. I just want to say midday, right? Oh, she said midday.

She knows it. Yeah, she just said midday. I was right here. I can hear it so much better when it's in my own accent, when it's in a perfect version of my accent. That was pretty good. It blew your fucking mind, didn't it? It really did.

And now you're Italian again, and I'm confused. But I guess you're just an Italian chef stand up. Yeah. Who can do Australian accents? Yeah, well, yeah, I studied abroad there. Excuse me? I studied abroad. You studied abroad?

Yeah. Okay. Why can't I say that now? Who did you study? Who was she? I studied, um, I studied Maryland. Whoa. Love of my fucking life, Maryland. The best brought around.

Do you think she's ever had a BBL? She's had, she had a lot of work done. Did she? Yeah. No. No, his job. Before and after videos all over Instagram. I need to see this. With my own Yes. No. Nose job. Before and after videos all over Instagram. I need to see this.

With my own eyes. Okay. You should check it out. But I was actually walking around, because I love to take a walk over an evening. Sure. Downtown. The best place to walk.

And I'm scouting out restaurant locations. Because I've quit acting. You've quit acting? Yep. Well. It wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. No. I mean, you know, I've seen you in some television shows, like Love and...

Killing It. Yeah. You were, I want to say this, you were killing it and killing it. You were blowing my fucking mind. Oh my gosh, you're getting so sensual with me. Well, I'm touching you now. Oh my gosh you're getting so sensual with me. Well I'm touching you now. This is sexual harassment from a man like Tony's son. Oh is it? Okay. Yeah you gotta be on your guard. So I shouldn't like it. No I don't have I don't arrest I have a daughter. I have a daughter.

Oh I'm sorry I didn't know you had a daughter. Oh you're innocent. I'm fine yeah totally fine. I have a daughter too. I have a daughter and I have a mother so I get to touch whoever I want Okay. Yeah, me too That's awesome. Okay. Fine. Yeah, this is scary By the way Fred Fred Guinness is on the phone with oh You have a daughter. Do you have a mother? I? Did have a mother I don't know where she is. I Do you have a daughter? Do you have a mother? I did have a mother. I don't know where she is. I do not have a daughter, but I do have a fish.

Is the fish woman or man? Is that Claudia? It is. Claude, what's going on? I'm just, well, I was going for a walk nearby the Velasco Theatre and I got a text alert that I'd won a Netflix is a joke competition so I really didn't expect to be saying Scott and of course Tony and you won the Netflix is a joke period fest yeah competition yeah you can only enter it

if you've got your period yeah so But did you have a heavy enough flow that they said, we got to text her? Yeah. That's not how you win. Well, yeah, because it's like, essentially, if you soak through your pants, it touches the phone and then it sort of sends a sensor through to them. So you're telling me you were walking around beautiful downtown Los Angeles. Yeah. Having bled through your jeans.

Bled right through. And all of a sudden your phone goes off. Yeah. You won Netflix is in a joke period contest. Yes. You got to come in, you got to hang out with these two handsome gentlemen. Wow, good for you.

That's exciting. So it's all just so many twists and turns. I can't believe it. That's incredible. Who notified you? My phone. Yes, I understand. But who was communicating via the phone to you? Oh, well, my mom.

Oh, you have a mother? She runs a lot of competitions and enters me in a lot of competitions. And I have amazing luck. But I was trying to move back to Australia to spend more time with her and the rest of my family. And she said, even though I've quit acting, I had to come back here and open up a restaurant. What a restaurant, you got a restaurant? Yeah, it's called Creamies.

Creamies? Creamies, what a beautiful name. It's a Red Zone diet restaurant. So we just have, it's just like, we only have fettuccine, Alfredo, and chocolate milkshakes. That sounds so fucking good. Sounds like I've been eating there for the last three years. So what, you put the fettuccine in the milkshake?

No, that's crazy. We have the fettuccine in a shallow, wide bowl so it gets cool as quickly as possible. And then we have a chocolate milkshake on the side as a refreshment. And also all of our locations will be in the direct sun. Well, you're talking, am I on a patio when I eat here or am I indoor?

It's patio exclusive, because we're very COVID aware. Tell me something, are we close in this patio? Am I close to the road? Am I close to cars and bus? We've got our eye on you locations that are in the middle of roundabouts. That sounds fucking gorgeous.

It's gorgeous. There is no shade. Tell me something. Tell me something. Tell me something else. Isn't it close to the bathroom? There's no bathroom. There's no bathroom. You can't go to the bathroom. So it's similar to how I feel right now.

There's nothing I love more than having a big milkshake and no bathroom anywhere near. And don't forget, the pasta's pretty liquidy too. Oh, so it's a liquidy Alfredo. Oh yeah. Because people are like, actually it's just butter and cheese. No, this is cream.

It's a lot of cream and cheese. What do you got for dessert? This sounds amazing. Ice cream sundae. Oh wow. It's Creamies. So there's no fruit. There's no fudge.

It's just ice cream. Any, you know, it's cream. Why do you call them sundaes? Because we have them. Because. Are you only open one day a week? Yeah, sundaes. Yeah.

And so it's like the sunniest sundaes, which actually would be a better name, but it's you know It's a red zone diet. It's a red zone restaurant called Creamies. Yeah, this sounds amazing. How's it doing? We haven't opened yet. Well, I'm scouting locations looking for something in downtown Los Angeles Great idea eating on the patio on the streets of downtown. Exactly. Sign me up. Yes. That's what I'm thinking. You might, you know, like see a Laker passing by and like catch his eye. Exactly.

And then you could fall in love with the Laker. Yeah. If he likes creamy food too. I bet he does. I bet he slurps it up. You got a Carbohol right before those games, you know. You do. You've got a provolone before those games?

You've got a provolone. We should put provolone in the Alfredo. That would be an interesting twist. You've got a provolone before those games. You really do. May I take this moment to ask if we could have more in the monitors? Yeah, I feel it.

That's something I've been feeling the whole time. I'd like that too, please. You need that too, Fred? I wouldn't mind it. Yeah. It sounds bad. What? Why would you say that to me? Are you talking about the sound? Are you talking about the... No, no. I'm talking about the idea, of course.

Creamy. You just said you've been eating like that for the past three years. I don't believe you at all. But I don't want to. No, you do. That's... Okay. Audience, I'm calling believe you at all. But I don't want to. No, you do. That's, okay. Audience, I'm calling on you. Wouldn't you love to spend a Sunday at Creamy's?

Yeah! Wait, I got a question for you. With this red zone diet, how long you live until? 50 max. Whoa. And things go really south at about 41. I'll also, but like, do we really wanna be alive that much longer?

I know, that's disgusting. Come on, guys. Scott would be dead. I'm 29. I think you've been eating too much creamy food. Or not enough. You wanna die. I wanna die? I don't think you've been eating too much creamy food. You're not enough. You want to die. I want to die? I don't think you have-

You want to die, right? ...the concept of this restaurant down in your mind. Well, Claudia, good luck to you. Thank you so much. Hope to see you there. I would love you to come to the opening Sunday. Do you want me to cut the ribbon? Exactly. And the ribbon, of course, is a big long fettuccine noodle.

Wow. Yeah. So that's right. I wonder if it's going to be the longest noodle in the world. Fred, do we have any data on the longest noodle in the world? Yeah, it's only three feet. But that's, you know, that's long and that would be long enough to cut in a ceremony. You gotta admit, that's a long noodle.

It must be hard to make anything longer. I mean, I would be impressed by it. I'll give it a go. What about the largest? I mean, do I need a big pair of scissors or? Because it's always disappointing when like you see an opening. You know how many grand openings of supermarkets I go to? Of course. Did you go to the new Air One in Silver Lake? Hell yeah baby that was a huge day circled in red on my calendar. Did they use a fettuccine noodle as its...

They didn't use the... Wait a minute I like the word fettuccine. You like the word fettuccine? Yeah I thought that Clonny was gonna say fettuccine and I think that sounds adorable. Aww. No, I'm a grown woman. I would never do that. I said fettuccine noodle. Normal style.

I apologize. Okay, thank you. You don't have a daughter, so just back off. Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah, come over here, Claudia. Come here. I'll take care of you. Don't you worry. Yeah, we'll take care of you.

Don't you worry, sweet little head. We'll give you both sides of a massage here. Yeah, safe here. You know what? Later on, I'm going to pick you up. What do you mean? I'm going to hold you up. Just I'm going to pick you up just to make myself feel better, you know what I mean?

Oh, I do, yeah, I hate that, but okay. Do men, I have a friend who's very tiny and men always pick her up. Okay, so she's- Which is very annoying to her. Yeah, it's horrible. You have a tiny friend? That's amazing.

How tiny are we talking? I don't know. 4'10"? The way his eyes moved. 4'10", no way. I'm not gonna go and say 5'2", something like that. Something like that. Something normal.

But Claudia, back to my point, I hate when I go to a supermarket opening and they have the big ribbon and then they take out just like a normal pair of scissors and then they cut it. It's not okay. I want the giant ones. You need the ceremony of a giant pair of scissors. I understand that completely, but unfortunately we will be doing the fettuccine chopping with

a big sword. Big sword. Whoa, big sword. What kind of sword are we talking, a pooh dao or like a, what do you mean? Yeah, pooh gow. You into swords, Tony we talking, a Poo-Dow or like a... What do you mean? Yeah, Poo-Gow. You into swords, Cicione? Yeah, I got a whole collection back at home. How many swords?

I got one, two, three. I got about three swords. Fred, I gotta ask, is that the biggest collection of swords? Nope. Medieval times in London, England. There's a medieval times in London? Oh, I'd love to be there. You'll never compete with that. Flagship restaurant. Flagship restaurant. Really?

So a sword, though, is it big compared to swords or just, you mean, big like a sword? No, it's big compared to swords. Really? Yeah. It's about four times bigger than your regular sword. So it's heavy. But you're a strong guy, right?

Sure. Yeah, I could pick up a... But because it's such a floppy fettuccine noodle, you are going to have to really chop it really fast to make sure it doesn't just like... Sack. ...roop underneath the weight of the sword. It makes me think it's going to hit the ground, this noodle. I envision it hitting the sidewalk as it gets cut.

I know. The problem is it's so heavy. So it's like it might bounce back and sort of chop you in the head. But you see, you just have to be really careful. But I know you- Do you wear a face guard at all? Of course. Can I really?

Yeah. But it will be hard to eat through. Put on your face guard. What? What did you just say, Fred? I was doing a little, I was quoting another Fred in a manner of was doing I was doing a little I was quoting another Fred in a manner of speaking. I was a little rock lobster for a put on your face guard I'm just driving. I always thought he looks like the guy from French Stuart from third rock from the Sun

100% they look really similar Fred. do you quote exclusively Fred's? That's right. So Fred Durst's? Fred Durst. I wanted to call Robert Durst so bad, but I couldn't make the lateral move. Frederick Douglass? I just remembered there is, I have quit acting, but there is one role I'm hoping to play that I would come out of retirement for. I have quit acting, but there is one role I'm hoping to play. What is that?

That I would come out of retirement for. Ghostface from Scream. It's better than Ghostface from the Wu-Tang Clan. Yeah, because normally for people, when they want to be him, they say like, hello, Sydney. But I know what he actually says. Oh, OK. Listen to know what he actually says. Oh, okay. Listen to me, you little fucking bitch!

Isn't that exactly it? Wow, that's... That's to Drew Barrymore, right? That blew my fucking mind. Really good. So, you know... I love classic lines from cinema. Exactly.

Are you gonna be, what, self-tape in audition for something like this? I don't even know if they're looking for people right now, but I just thought there's probably quite a lot of movies and shakers in the audience tonight. Yeah, anyone here from Miramax, Harvey Weinstein's company? Oh, please let there be somebody here for Miramax. Nobody who wants to sign me in my stand-up, no?

We'll get to your state. Do you want to do some stand up at the end of the show? I'd love to do some fucking listen to that. The crowd wants it. Wow. They're begging for it. Yeah. Yeah. I thought a couple of jokes. I'd love to hear it.

I love stand up. I love to do. Yeah, I love to listen to it and laugh at all the jokes and hear the observations. It is entertaining to me, so I would love that. Do you love improv shows too? Yeah, big time. They're so concise and everyone knows what they're doing. It's really a lot of fun. You feel like, yes, I should have come out of my house for this. This is not about just these people

fulfilling some kind of thing they always wanted to do since they were kids. It's good, it's good. You kind of trailed off there, Claudia. Everyone, Claudio Doherty is here. This is a huge, huge treat. Thank you so much. Honored.

I'm honored to be here. Do you need to go backstage for a bit or are you okay with it? No way. I'm going to ride this thing through. You know what? You go ahead. You take a piss right here. We won't look, right?

We'll all turn our backs. Nobody will look, okay? You need to change your tan, whatever you need to do. Are you on your period right now? I'm allowed to ask, I have a daughter. Of course I am, I was the one that won that competition. I just want to make sure that you are still on it, I don't know, these things, they come on and and off Michael Ma's suddenly she's in a mood. It's like okay Yeah, well why don't we get to our next guest We were talking about Miramax, which is one of the great Hollywood companies and This is one of the great Hollywood politicians. He was the mayor of Hollywood as well as a game show host. Please welcome Chip Gardner! No, I... Chip Gardner everyone! Thank you everyone! Thank you! What a crowd. What a wonderful night. What a wonderful streaming service

Netflix is. Hello Scott, Antoni and Claudia. Hi. How do you? Hi. Excited to meet you. I'm excited to meet you. Jeff are you forgetting someone? A bigger pardon? Are you forgetting someone? Yes. Fred Guinness. Oh I know! Fred I was going to say hello to you a little bit later. Oh I didn't realize I'm sorry that I messed with your timeline. No it's fine. Hello Fred. Goodbye. Fred, uh Chip rather. It's great to see you. It's wonderful to be here. I haven't seen you in quite a bit, I feel. Seems that way. Yeah. Now, to catch everyone up, you were the mayor of Hollywood. Scott, I seem to have to correct you on this just about every time we run into one another. I have never been the mayor of Hollywood. As a matter of fact, there is no mayor of Hollywood.

It is an honorary position. There is an honorary mayor of Hollywood. This person is appointed by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. I have been lobbying for the position since 2008, when it became vacant through the death of Johnny Grant. He was called back to hell in 2008. And I've been trying to get his job ever since then, and they've appointed no one to the job in all that time. Do you have any idea how many years it's been since 2008? Too many to even count.

I'm going to say it's been 20. You're very close. It's been, would you have a guess? 18. Oh, even closer. I'm gonna go 28. Good Lord. Whoa.

It's been 16 years. 16 times around the sun. It's been. It's been. It's been. I don't know why they're clapping, Scott. Neither do I, honestly. And they still won't give me the job, but there's been some movement on it, Scott.

They're having, oh good for you, okay. It's one of the things I'm here to announce tonight. I have two announcements. Two announcements and then you're out? Just two, I want more. I love announcements. Any way you could think of maybe eight more. Good Lord.

Probably. But here's the first. I have managed to install three loyalists on the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce who have promised to vote for me as honorary mayor of Hollywood. Stephen Mel of Mel's Diner. Over there on Hollywood and... Vine. Vine.

Right? No. No. Highland. Highland. Highland. Highland and Hollywood. He's a Hollywood business owner, as you know. Sure, Mel, yeah.

Dolby O'Reilly of the Dolby Theater. I always assumed that was the last name, like Thomas Dolby. A common misconception. And of course, the afore-greeted Fred Guinness of the Guinness Museum of Records and Things on Hollywood Boulevard. Really? So Fred, you're on the Hollywood, what is it, the council? Hollywood Chamber, why can't you keep it in your head? Because I don't care.

Ah. The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. Chamber of Commerce, Fred Guinness, you're on the Chamber of Commerce. That is correct. Even though my residence is now in Dublin, Ireland, I do retain a seat on the council. That's right because he's a business owner in the heart of

Hollywood. Because the Guinness Museum is right there on Hollywood and Highland. Where it routinely kicks the ass of Ripley's believe it or not. That's correct and I must visit the Guinness Museum for at least six hours per calendar year. That doesn't seem like a lot. It's not. But you know what? When you're in there, it feels like forever. So are you doing it like 20 minutes at a time over a long span?

Oh my God. I really like, I will, I'll book myself a trip for a month in Los Angeles and I'll go in for like five minutes at a time. Even if you really try hard, you can't spend more than about 15 minutes in that museum. I got free tickets once, and I really got the experience of like, how much there is to see there, because I didn't have to stall

in order to make it seem like it was worth it. So I was in and out in three minutes. There you go. That's right. How long do you think you would have to stall to make it feel worth the I'm assuming $18? Like like I think you would feel like you would have to spend an hour there. Yes. You know, good luck.

Wait, this is on Hollywood Boulevard. That's right. And Highland, one of the most beautiful streets. You put your restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard. That's right. And Highland. One of the most beautiful streets. You put your restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard. That's an amazing idea, Tony. Thank you so much. Out on the beautiful sidewalk with all the gorgeous people. Is it sunny? It's so sunny and so nice and everyone is great.

And it's a perfect place. I love it. Yeah, great people. Full of Hollywood stars. All the stars are convening and meeting and hanging out with one another on Hollywood Boulevard. Batman. Batman. Minion.

Minion. Pikachu. I love Minion. Pikachu, yes. Superman. Dirty Pikachu. Dirty Pikachu. They're all dirty.

Welcome to Dirty Pikachu. They don't tell you when you buy one of those costumes how difficult they are to clean. That should be mandatory. Is that what you would do if you were mayor of Hollywood? That's one of the major things I would do as honorary mayor of Hollywood. A little tutorial on how to clean a mascot Custom you would give the now are you taping this and just showing it to people or are you actually going and giving this? Tutorial I'd have them over at the house

Mix up some drinks Would you have an event with multiple people at once or individuals one at a time? I think is the best way to get the message through that's lovely and I've only got one spray bottle of oxy clean one at a time it sounds very intimate well that's the idea what do you mean I'd really like to get to know who's in those suits. Are they coming to your house in the suit and then taking the suit off? Precisely.

What do they wear underneath those suits? Hopefully not much. It's bound to be hot. I can't imagine that any of them are anything but nude. Do you remember that movie, Anything But Nude? Oh yeah, I saw it three times in the theater. They had so many clothes on. I know, everyone did.

Yeah. And it was like a competition, right? That they were all in. It was like an Olympic style thing of like. Yes, it was a race across the country. You couldn't be caught nude at any moment. Yeah. Showering was a nightmare for the characters in the movie. But everyone was horny and so they were all having sex

and they would be disqualified. They were especially horny. And one of the teams put some sort of aphrodisiac in the drinks of one of the other teams to make them all the more horny. Bill Cosby was in this. Well, I wasn't going to mention. Oh, he was incredible in that. Breath takes.

I don't know what you will about the man, but he turned in a first grade performance in anything but nude. We can't take that away from him. Nope, they never will. Nope, never. Well this is exciting, so how many, but you have three people on the council. Yes, who will vote for me to be honorary mayor of Hollywood. How many seats are there on the council? Uh, 2,500. I didn't say I had it in the bag I said there was movement. Well it's three to twenty five hundred.

Well I don't know for certain that everyone else is going to vote against me. I'm hoping that those three will you know work the room a little. Sure yeah Fred is that something you're willing to do? I guess I mean I'll be trying in my way to whip up support for Chip. That sounds very noncommittal. No, no, Chip, come on. Trying in your way? Why did you qualify with in my way? Well, because I'm not the most persuasive guy, you know.

Like I'll probably go up to the people, maybe a few of them and say there's worse things you could do Sounds like Rizzo Only the girls laugh Only the girls laugh. That's a good movie too. Only the girls laugh. Oh Laughs when they laugh at the end all the girls Because they're holding it in for the entire movie. The whole movie, they held it in. And by the end, they all bust the gut. Let's hear from my guys, Grease Lightning.

All right, Fred. Well, Chip, this is very, very exciting. I know. Your first of 10 announcements tonight. All right, Fred. Well, Chip, this is very, very exciting news. I know. Your first of ten announcements tonight. Yes. Would you like to hear my second announcement? I guess so, yeah.

What do you mean you guess so? Is there something else you want to do first? No, I could vamp. Here's the deal. Jeopardy, you've heard of this game show. Yes, it was hosted by a man, a Canadian man. That's right, Alex Trebek. For a long time.

Who was also called back to hell, and ever since then. There was a brief period, I believe, of five days where a gentleman by the name of. Mike Richards? Fleming? No, I Googled him today, it was Richards. Not Michael Richards. No, not Michael Richards.

Mike Richards, not the hilarious standup comic Michael Richards. No, not Michael Richards. Mike Richards. Not the hilarious stand-up comic Michael Richards. Mike Richards. Things have been deliciously chaotic over there ever since Alex Trebek died. You've had that fella and then Mayim Bialik was in and out. She's gone now. Gone.

Now they've settled on Ken Jennings and we can all agree, he's shitting the bed. Ken's a very nice fellow. But I say this as a friend. A friend to me or a friend to him? He and I go bow hunting in the Angeles National Forest most weekends. But he's shitting the

bed on Jeopardy. So like, I'm sorry, guys. Folks, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I like the idea. It's an interesting concept of saying I'm saying this as. Folks, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I like the idea. It's an interesting concept of saying, I'm saying this as a friend about someone, to someone about someone else. Yes.

I'm saying this as a friend. Ken Jennings is shitting the bed. Yes, I'm saying as a friend. This guy sucks. Yes. He's my friend. Exactly. I'm curious as to what way is he shitting the bed in?

Well, it's just he's terrible. Like how? The way that he asks the questions sounds awfully smug. Oh, he's too smug. Yes. He's not asking the questions. Oh yes, he's providing the answers.

Providing the answers. Whoa, wow. But then sometimes if they don't know the question, he asks the question. By providing the answer. It's a very confusing show. It's too confusing for me. We still can't wrap our brains around it

after all these years. Yeah. And yet we tune in every night. I say, well, how about? And yet we tune in every night. Indeed we do. What is your announcement? Alex, you better. Do you know, wait, do you know what she just said? Did you absorb it that second time?

Is it important that I do? How many bang bang where every third sentence could be edited out? She said, and yet we tune in every night. I understood it just fine. On the second go-round. I just want to make sure that people are listening to women. I have a daughter.

Thank you, Tony. Good looking out. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you. Yeah, that feels good. I protect girls like you. I really appreciate that. I feel safe with me.

I can feel it. I've never felt so fun. I can feel safe with me. I can feel it. I've never felt safe on... I can feel it. Alex Trebek used to claim that he knew all the answers to questions. But did he claim that he would know them before he was given the answers? Yes, yes, that was his claim. But you could tell he was lying. But with Ken Jennings, it's true, and it makes him smug. So it's better to watch a liar. Yes!

Who's not smug. No, the host needs to be stupid, is what you're saying, right? Not stupid, but, you know, lying. Seeming as though he knows, but we know he doesn't. There's a fascinating tension there. Here's the point. My source inside Jeopardy says that they're talking about replacing Ken Jennings

and my name has been thrown around. Oh my goodness. Wow. Wow. Hatsy-matsy. That's huge. Pretty big. Thrown around in what regard?

Literally what I heard is your name has been thrown around. I'm assuming in the regard of let's get old Chip Gardner to host Jeopardy. But they could have just written your name on a ball and played a game of catch or something. You know, you never know. Why would they do that? Why would they do that?

Occam's Razor said that they were Talking about bringing me in to replace Ken Jennings Don't you think I guess there is a universe out there where they wrote your name on a ball and started throwing it around I guess I I I could ask for that clarification But it doesn't seem necessary. I don't know I think you should ask Alright, what I'm wondering is is whether it was two separate conversations. They were saying, we're gonna get rid of Ken Jennings, and then they were also talking about you. Like for instance, have you ever tried to get onto the set?

Oh yes. Have they, have they banned you from the Sony lot? I wouldn't say banned. Well, what word would you use to describe it? I would say, uh, I've been escorted to a different part of the lot. The outside of it? Yes, the outside.

Just on the other side of the gate. But I emphasize escorted. Can I ask... You say you have a source inside the Jeopardy camp, which is shot on the Sony lot. Correct. Culver City, beautiful. Have you just been talking to Tony Sony over here? Hey, yeah, we've been chatting.

Sure. As you know, you know, I have connections to the Sony. Right. Well, if you want to know something about Sony, you go to Tony Sony. That's right. That's right, yeah. I got a lot of cease and desist from them.

They reach out periodically. Hey, don't say that you're associated with us just because you have a pizzeria called So and Why, Sony. So I got you. Tony. So I got you. She's really got her finger on the pulse of the Japanese. Whoa, don't miss gender Tony over here. No, no, my ears, my ears.

Are you okay dear? He's a man. Not culture. What's the matter? Not culture. What happened? Tony is a full-blooded American male. Italian American male. Italian American male.

Italian American. I beg your pardon, I don't see gender. Now is that because, and I apologize for bringing this up, the car accidents that you had, that there's no other way to describe this fucked up your face? There are a few other ways to describe it. But yes, you're right.

One night on the Pacific Coast Highway, a jeep ran over my face. Oh my God. What you see now is the result of several face replacement surgeries. That's where they take the face... as the result of several face replacement surgeries. That's where they take the face of a corpse and try to affix it to my skull.

Oftentimes my body will reject the corpse's face. I think that's sensible. Can I ask a question? Yes. Yeah, this one's for Scott. Oh, thank you. Fred, I... Hi, Scott.

Fred Guinness, Get Book of World Records. When you paused after you said the word face, were you going to say off and then ship busted in with his explanation? I actually, and I know you can't see us right now, I was making the Nick Cage face-off gesture. I had a feeling, I had a feeling you weren't. And was unable to complete it. I had a feeling. You know, I'd never seen that film.

What? You have to do Scott Hasn't Seen. Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wonderful! More podcasts! Woo hoo hoo! Wow, listen to that excitement. Oh my god. Fantastic! So you... Will that one require me to miss dinner like this one did? What were you going to have for dinner? Some fettuccine and a milkshake? Wouldn't that be nice? Kind of refreshing?

Fettuccine and a milkshake? Yeah, fettuccine alfredo with a chocolate milkshake. That's a good idea. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake.

I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. I'm going to have a milkshake. fettuccine and a milkshake. Wouldn't that be nice? Kind of refreshing. Fettuccine and a milkshake? Yeah, fettuccine Alfredo with a chocolate milkshake

in the hot blazing sun. Is the fettuccine mixed in with the milkshake? It could be if you got crazy, but at the beginning of the meal, they're separate. But that's on the secret menu, maybe? Yeah, it's the secret menu. I'd like fettuccine with a milkshake. Milkshake on the side, please.

Is that how you order it? You combine them yourself. Yeah, it's up to you. It's America. That's not what I was planning to have for dinner tonight. But now you kind of feel hungry for it. Here's what I'd like to do with your kind indulgence. Sure. I would like to use this as an audition to host Jeopardy.

I'd like to play Jeopardy with the three of you. I have some questions prepared. Okay. I would love that. Oh, wow. And I... This is a Hollywood savvy crowd. We have executives from Miramax here,

from what I'm told. Really? And so I think that if the audition goes well, maybe we can get you in that room in Sony. Oh, fantastic. Absolutely, we get you in there. I know well, maybe we can get you in that room in Sony. Oh, fantastic. Absolutely, we get you in there, I know how. You're gonna get me in there?

Good, I know one way in, but yours is probably better. Fred, you can also play. I guess, well here's how, you'll have, say, say, say your name, say Fred if you know the answer. Fred. Good. And I guess, should that go for all of us? We'll all say our names.

We'll all say our names, instead of buzzing in. That's right. We say our names. You say your name. My name's longer than everyone else's. It's gonna take her longer. It's not fair. Why don't we call you?

Oh, is that the rule? We have to wait until the name is completed? I'll just say claw. There you go. That's good. Very good. And I'll just say claw. There you go. That's good. Very good. And I'll say toe. Toe?

Let me ask one thing. Much like Jeopardy rules, do we have to wait until your... Until the question is done. Until I'm done saying the answer. Christ, the answer. Okay. Alright, yes, you must. I have five categories. I have one question per category category because we don't want to be here all night Okay, you can name your dollar amount anywhere from 200 to $2,000

I don't care the numbers part of it is not my bag. When do you say the number? Hmm, when do you say the number you say I'll take potent potables for and then the number okay anywhere from two to two thousand Dollars and then at some point We lost most of that Okay, anywhere from two to two thousand dollars and then at some point two dollar We lost most of that I said I said I'll take potent potables for two dollars. It's a little early for that Fred and that's a little low I'm sorry. I thought you just said We should say I'll take potent potables for anywhere from two to two thousand dollars. Oh

Did I know you said 200? Thank you. That's what I meant to say. I didn't hear him say 200 I heard him say two to two thousand. Well, then since everyone else heard 200 Their lowest score will be 200. But since you heard two you can do two All right, great But that means the quest the answers are Substantially easier, is that correct? No. Not at all. Here are the categories. As you may have predicted, potent potables.

Hollywood heartthrobs. Rhyme time. World religions and ends in a-b. Ends in a-b. Is that ends in U-B? That's correct. A-b. All right, Scott, you go first since,

for, because, yeah, I said so. I'll take ends with a-b for, I'm gonna go with 2,000. Okay. Oh, oh. Oh, muchy, muchy. That's okay. Can't make it to the big concert?

You may be able to sell your tickets to this. Claw? Yes. What is stuff hub? No, I'm sorry. What? Toe. Anyone else?

Toe. Oh, toe. Ticketmaster. No, I'm sorry. To give master. No, I'm sorry. The category ends in a B. Fred. Fred. Yes, Fred. Fight club. No, I'm sorry, not fight club.

Scott, you have a good scar. It is a movie. What scar? Your name is one fucking syllable. You could say scott. You could throw the T's on there, I think. You're not a person. You're not a person.

You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person. You're not a person syllable. You could say Scott.

You could throw the T's on there, I think. What is Beelzebub? That's correct! Yes! Oh, wow. You can sell him your soul and your tickets. Scott, you control the board. Potent Potables, Hollywood Heartthrobs, Rhyme Time, and World Religions.

I'll take Rhyme Time for, in honor of Fred, $2. Very good. This is what Ohioans will shout when they see the Dark Lord assail Dayton. Toe. Toe. Skyline chili. No, I'm sorry. The category is rhyme time. Fred. I think that rhymed.

Yes, Fred. Oh, no. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You've got to be kidding me. That is incorrect. You don't think anyone in a movie would be able to do that? No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You've got to be kidding me. That is incorrect. You don't think anyone in Dayton would say oh no? They might very well, but it doesn't rhyme with a sale Dayton. Toe, toe. You can't go again. Oh, come on. No. Let him go again. Let him go again. Let him go again.

That's the problem. Alright, what? What? Oh, whoa. No, it's not supposed to rhyme with what Fred said. No. You're going to tell me nobody in Ohio is going to go, oh, whoa, while it's happening? It's not a question of what someone might or might not say in Ohio.

I think somebody else is going, Skyline chili, you shit your pants. Could you read the question again, Chip, or the answer, excuse me? Not really what happens on Jeopardy, but I will. They should though. Yes. I mean, why we can't see it?

I know, yes. You're right. This is what Ohioans will shout, and the category is rhyme time. This is what Ohioans will shout when they see the Dark Lord assail Dayton. Fred. Yes, Fred. Fred. Yes, Fred. Mark Ford. For Christ's sake. The answer is Hail Satan! Oh, that rhymes with a sale Dayton. Oh, yes. You should have said which words you wanted to rhyme with. I still think oh no is a great response. I think it was too.

I can't tell if you really found it that difficult. You know what, it's a bummer that you only did one question for rhyme time. That's all you got, one question for each category. I figure out how the category works, we move on to another category. I didn't get that last part. But you're right, they probably could all be rhyme time. All right, the remaining categories. Potent Potables, Hollywood Heartthrobs,

and World Religions. Do I still control the board? I don't know who controls the board. Yeah, I will. Why don't we let Claude do it? Thank you. I'd like Hollywood Heartthrobs for $600. All right.

If you accept Satan as your lord and master... ...you can spend eternity having this giant rebel fuck you east, west, north, and south of Eden. Claw, claw. Yes, claw. Who is James Dean? No, I'm sorry. Oh, man.

Fred. Yes, Fred? Who is Lucifer? No, I'm sorry. Oh, man. Fred. Yes, Fred. Who is Lucifer? No, I'm sorry. That's it. Toe, toe, toe. Yes, toe. I said sis before you said toe.

Why you leave that scene? You're all fucking. No, I said s. Who is Mark Hamill? No, I'm sorry. No. Toe, toe, toe. Yes, toe.

Timothy Chalamet. Ooh. No, I'm sorry, no. Toe, toe, toe. Yes, toe. Timothee Chalamet. Ooh. No. That would be great. We were looking for burlives. LAUGHTER A giant rebel. A giant rebel? He's pretty giant.

And if you read the lyrics to Big Rock Candy Mountain, pretty rebellious. On a scale of like Mark Hamill to James Dean? But Timothy Shall of Man. Also, Bear Lives was in East of Eden. So? So what? So what do you?

That was part of the clue. Oh, okay. Good Lord. I mean, when you said giant, I was picturing really, really giant. Her life is pretty big. Come on! What, is he five-eight? Yeah, but barrel-shaped. If you'd said that he was a wide rebel, I would have gone with it. Giant rebel.

All right. The remaining categories are potent potables and world religions. Potent potables. Yes. Oh, okay, sure. Potent potables for $2. All right. When the end times come, this beverage, served hot,

will be poured down your throat for eternity if you do not accept Satan as your Lord and master. Oh. Fred. I heard toe first. Claw. I quit taking attendance. We'll go in that order.

That's fine. Toe, Fred, claw, and suss. I'm gonna go with a beautiful silky tomato sauce. Incorrect. I think Fred was next. Fred? Coffee. Coffee.

Incorrect. I'm sorry. It's hot. What, what is chocolate milkshake? Oh, I'm sorry. What is chocolate milkshake? Oh I'm sorry, no that's incorrect. I just realized we haven't been phrasing these in the form of a question. Someone had, oh alright. I have. That's one of the problems with Ken Jennings. You've been doing so good over here, good job. Ken Jennings lets that slide? No, Ken Jennings insists upon it. It's a stupid premise for a show.

You'd be okay with it if people just... Who cares for Christ's sake? Okay, I'm gonna say it, then I'm gonna say iced tea. No, Satan's Jews. Ha ha ha. I've heard that tastes like a chocolate milkshake. Um, oh huh huh. You're in for a surprise.

I bet he doesn't come like, I bet the jizz tastes like blood or something, for Satan. Like a fiery blood, don't you guys? Probably. That's what I picture, I don't know, how much blood coming out his dick. They should let you have two goads at the questions. But ultimately it probably looks like Alfredo sauce.

Yeah, I think we can all agree. You're dead on with that. You're dead on with that. Piping hot Alfredo sauce. Finally, world religions. I think I'll just ask the question. Oh no, say the answer When the end times come the dark Lord Satan will force the Pope to kiss this part of his unholy body

Yes, but so I'm sorry what but all That's the biblical way to say it. No, I'm sorry. That's not what's on the Constitution. That's incorrect. I'm gonna go with, oh, toe, toe. Yes, toe. I'm gonna go with the belly button.

Incorrect, I'm sorry, no. Anyone else? Fred. Yes, Fred? His luscious lips. Whoa. I'm sorry, no, that's incorrect. Claw.

Claw, yes, claw. His claw. Actually, I didn't have an answer for this one. I just was curious to hear what you thought. They're all good. They're all good. I think you passed the audition. That was... Really?

I mean, I would vote for you. Is this an elected position? Yes. I need you all to vote for me as host of Jeopardy! You seem so annoyed at us, which was good, I think, for a host. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, you didn't come off too snobby. Right?

You didn't come off like you didn't know the answers, but you kind of know the answers. Right? Yeah. And you came off really stupid, which I think is good. Thank you very much. It's really good. I also had the idea that you would sexually harass the female members of the staff. I'm protecting only one here.

I wouldn't let them. That's right, Toby. Well, if that came through in my performance, then thank you very much. Chip Gardner, everyone. Amazing. Get out there and vote in November for Chip Gardner to be host of Jeopardy. Well we have an amazing guest here.

This is Hollywood. This is the land of stars and none brighter than our next guest. He's an incredible actor. I mentioned we had another actor on the show. He's an actor. He was an athlete. I don't know what he's been up to recently, especially in the last month or so. Please welcome O.J. Simpson. Wow. Wow. Hey. Hey, Velasco world. It's me, yours truly. Scott. Juice. I thought I'd be seeing you more recently. You heard the rumor.

I have, I honestly, and every time you're on the show, I leave and I think, oh, I gotta go check out OJ's Wikipedia page to see what he's been up to. And I always forget something comes up, but but you know I was a huge fan until probably, God, last week or so. No I want to say like 1993, somewhere around there. Is that when you dropped off? Yeah I dropped off around then. So I don't really know what you've been up to especially recently. Well recently there's been a nasty rumor that has been surrounding me. No, Jews. Yes. You know, you know these people in this media, I tell you Scott. They are relentless. They don't know they're relentless, Scott. They say the meanest things about you. They say the craziest things

and I for one am fed up because this one takes the cake. What have they been saying about you? These people have been saying I died. What? Yes! No! Can you believe that? Have you guys heard this? Chip Gardner?

I had heard that. You heard this Claudia? Yeah, I was really scared when you said he was coming out. Because you thought he was a ghost? I thought he was a ghost. Oh yeah, that's a reason to be scared of OJ. Well yeah. Go ahead.

Touch me. Touch me. Touch OJ. Touch me. OJ, I got a question for you actually. You got a daughter? Me? Yeah.

Yeah, two. Oh good, you're safe. He's double safe. Two daughters. Wow. So people have been saying you died? Can you believe that? Now, I've heard some wild things about me.

I've heard some wild things about me. I've heard that I quit the Hertz commercials because of a dispute with me and a PA. Ridiculous. Paposterous. And that's probably the nastiest rumor until this one it's definitely the worst one so terrible you had to live with that I had to live with that for years because those hurts commercials were in the 70s remember the 70s Scott not really oh man no Oh man. No, Scott, you remember.

You remember, Scott, you and I are of a similar age and ill. I really don't think so, Jude. Scott, you and I are rivaling each other in age. Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, you're pretty old, are there 69, 61? High five, Jude, 69. High five. Scott, you're gonna need to renew the domain. It's called Alkermann and OJ Simpson dot com.

I forgot that we got that. I won't be able to pay for a while. Why, what's going on? Perhaps the rest of eternity. So people have thought this is a true rumor. People thought this was true, but I'm right here high-fiving you, my best friend and confidant, Scott D. Aukerman.

I've always said it, I love you, Juice. I love you too, Scott. There must be no worse feeling than people gossiping about you and spreading a rumor that you're dead. I can't imagine anything that would feel worse. Nothing feels worse. It would be worse than getting your head chopped off. You would think.

You would honestly think. Wow. What a nice looking crowd of OJ Simpson fans. Yeah! Everyone here loves OJ. Let's go, let's pass a mic around and everybody say their name. I don't think we have time for that.

I don't, we don't have time. I don't know. We don't have time. 835. Do we not have time? Everyone's so hot, so fuckable. Fred, is this most fuckable crowd you've ever heard? I mean, going by sound, I mean, I'm getting there.

You know what I'm saying? I do, buddy. Fred, Fred, my old pal. Is that Fred Guinness? Oh Jack! Hey, Juice! How you doing, Fred? Hey, Fred, where are you right now? I'm in Dublin, Ireland, Juice. Dublin, Ireland. You know, Scott, I've been to Dublin, Ireland. Have you really? Wow.

Yes. Very rainy place. Yeah, washes everything away, you know, in a weird, odd way. So green, too. Everything's green. People love green over there. Did you try the bread? Did I try the bread? You know, when I was when I was in Dublin, I was on keto. Oh, so I did. You got to try the bread. Fred, do I have any new records Oh

Cuz you you had you had the one for like What did you do? You're like a running back or so. Yeah, the most rushing yards in one season. Can you believe it? That's the one incredible credible has anyone bested that since probably okay the game has Has anyone bested that since probably okay the game has The game has changed quite significantly since I was playing Scott was right there on the sidelines. Oh, I don't think so But they Scott bought the same car as I did a white Bronco They let they let the players run now What they let the players run too much before they would tackle them. And you back then they used to tackle them. They're just like, you want to run? Just go ahead.

Do it. Nobody's touching anybody. Nobody's getting in there. You got to really get in there and kill somebody. Exactly. Fred, what? I didn't hear what you just said. Fred, do you have those stats on if OJ has any new records? Do you have those stats on if OJ has any new records? There is one record. It's not that recent, but it is you are the only person who has ever been a record holder of this. Can't wait to hear it. It's most memorabilia recovered from a Vegas hotel room. Yes. Wow. Thank you Fred. If I may say so sir that was your finest hour.

Well you know what I would have to disagree with you on that. All right. That was probably my most, that was my worst hour, honestly. That was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. And those people didn't deserve that. Really? I'm surprised to hear you say that. They had your things and you wanted it. I wanted my things back.

And you went in there with a gun. But I did it in the wrong way. I should have just asked. If you did it again, Go ahead. How would you do it? If I did it, a lot of people think that I just ran in that hotel room like I was some sort of vigilante, but I actually have a lot of respect for law enforcement. If I didn't, no. Sure. Again. Sure. Because I did do it that time confession. Oh You heard it here first. I confess I did it. I got my memorabilia back The words people have been waiting to hear they've been waiting to hear it and then waiting here for a long time

I got it back. Can I say for all women? Thank you I got it back. Can I say for all women, thank you. Hey. You know, Scott and I have the same opinions on women. We... Love them. We absolutely love them. We love them. Take care. We love them.

Your catchphrase, finally. I've been waiting. Also, another nasty rumor that has been being passed around by the OJ Simpson fans of your show. So many of them. They love to live on Reddit. You know, they say the phrase wrong. Okay? Okay. They say things like, you take care now. That's, it seems like that's gilding the lily the now is

extreme. It's definitely gilding the lily a phrase that I use all the time. It's doing exactly that. I never add now to the end. That's honestly insane. It's sociopathic. You have to be a murderer to add now to take care at the end of something. You don't care when they take care? I don't care when. I want everybody to take care. I don't have, I don't want anybody to feel like they are pressed for time to take care. I've never said you take care now. I've never said you.

I say the general, take care. Take care. You said you take care. Never once. Never once have I said it. All right, we're gonna check the tapes. Check the tapes. Check the tapes.

Check all the tapes. Check all the tapes, yes. Should I do a Google alert on you or? Please do. You don't seem like a guy who would lie about something. I would never. The evidence is there. Whether it's been tampered with is none of my business.

Take care. What do you say to people, what do you say to people who feel that from you, the words take care sound like a threat? I think it would be much bigger of a threat if I said, you take care now. True enough. You take care now, Scott.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah. Scott. Oh my god. Wow. So, OJ. Netflix. My good friend Ted Sarandos runs that company. I heard about your friendship. Yeah. Yeah, he wants to give you an hour special. Oh yeah, and I'm taking it. It's going to be called, Take Care. Would you like to hear some of the jokes from me? Would anybody else like to hear some? Sure, yeah.

Yes. All right. So here's how the special starts. I got a flight to catch. Okay, you... the special starts with the audience just knowing that? Yes, because I say it. At the beginning of the special, my alarm goes off. Okay. Picture this. Your house alarm or your...

My clock radio alarm. Got it. Picture this. It it. Picture this. OK. It's 1994. OK. My clock radio is going. I'm just getting up from a nap. My clock radio is, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh.

You know what I mean? You remember those? Sure. That sound was perfect. Yeah. Took me right there. Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. I wake up, oh, I got to be at LAX. Oh, no. My limo driver's outside. I gotta be at LAX.

Oh no. My limo driver's outside. I already got my bags packed. You've just been taking a nap. I've just been taking a nap. All right. Are you saying this stuff out loud in the special to yourself?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm setting the scene. Okay. Okay, so we're hearing your thoughts. No, yes. Well, I do say one thing out loud. I gotta get to the airport. Okay.

I gotta get to Chicago. That's good, we know where you're going. We know you're heading to the airport, heading to Chicago. I run outside to my back house, I have a very large home, and I knock on the tenant's door, his name is Kato.

Don't know. I'm hungry, we should get some McDonald's. And then we go get the McDonald's and we return home, and by that time the limo driver is there. And as I open my door with my two luggages, I walk out to a bright light and the crowd is there. Wow. Yes.

That's cinematic. Cinematic, right? Yeah, I can picture that. Hey, Oji, in your special, is there empty seats like this right here? Yes, those will be filled with paid seat fillers. If anybody would like to be a seat filler for money, please let me know. Why go to McDonald's before the airport? There's one there. Too expensive. In 1994, a Big Mac meal was $8 at the airport.

Five dollars at a regular location. That's too big of a also Cato was hungry to oh he's not going to go to the airport with not going to the airport with me. He's not going to Chicago. Yeah, Cato is not a Chicago guy. I'm glad I asked he doesn't have that Chicago sensibility. Oh certainly not as I open the door to go and get the, the limbo drivers outside the theater too for a little bit of a joke at the end of the special.

But as soon as I walk out, I greet the crowd, they cheer, and I go, ha ha, good to see you all here. You ever be fuckin'? Yeah. That deserved more from this audience. Come on, do it again. Yes. A notoriously prudish audience for Comedy Bang Bang.

You ever be fucking... and the pussy fart... and you look down at the woman and you go, I'm just saying, take care. Oh, J. Simpson. Oh, my God. And... Wow. How could I be anywhere else if I was filming that special for an hour?

You can tell, you know what I like about that? You can tell you really like that. Wow. How could I be anywhere else if I was filming that special for an hour? You can tell, you know what I like about that? You can tell you really love women. Me and Scott Ackerman are always- Okay, no. Me and- No, OJ Simpson everyone, OJ Simpson. All right, I need to get our...

Oh, that's right. We have one last guest. Are you ready for one more guest here on Comedy Bang Bang? I've spoken to him once before, and this is actually apropos because I've been having issues in this department but he's my podiatrist. Please welcome Harry Footman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah. Yeah, thank you, Scott. Please, my father's name is Daniel Footman. Call me Harry. I did. Yeah, that's my name. So we don't have a problem. Yeah, we do not. How's it going?

It's great to be here. I've enjoyed the show from the side. I don't need the reviews of the show. Yeah. I'm glad to hear it, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how's your foot? Well, I mean, it could be better. I mean, that's why I called you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want me to take your shoe off right now, smell your feet, lick your toes,

suck your toes, tell you you're a big boy. Yeah, let's get to it. No, I... Yes, Scott, if you want him to do it, let him do it. Come on now. That's what you said. I can pull up my text, Brett, put it up on the screen. No, no, no, no.

Scott begging me, please, I'll suck your dick if you suck my toes. And you wanted that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That does sound like Scott. It sounds like Harry, actually. That is classic Scott, actually. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, my fault, my fault.

That was me texting it to you. You can suck my dick if you want, but I'd love to suck your toes. That sounds a little more like... My fault, that was me texting it to you. You can suck my dick if you want, but I'd love to suck your toast. That sounds a little more like. It's called a 61, I believe. Scott, Scott, that reminds me of a lot of the parties we went to in the 80s, my friend.

I was not alive in the 80s. Okay, don't lie to these people, Scott. I'll tell you, your feet were definitely alive in the 80s. I don't know what that means. They look old. Yeah, they look like a corpse feet, you know, like a dead person's feet. Tony we're friends. I know, I like you.

I'm just being honest about your feet. Does the crowd want to see me warm up Scott's corpse foot by sucking his toe? You can't deny a crowd reaction like that, Scott. Scott's the only corpse up here. I wonder what's the world record for most toes in one mouth? Fred Fred he died No, I'm so sorry. I just that that whole exchange just put me in a reverie that I didn't want to go into Anyway the world record for most toasts, sucked simultaneously, is held by a blue whale. How many are we talking?

300,000 toasts. I can beat it. So is that 30,000 different people or...? It was the people who died in the Titanic. We're gonna need a bigger boat. Ah-ha-ha, juice! Famous quotes from cinema. I'm gonna need a bigger mouth.

But where there's a will will there's a way I'll take famous quotes from cinema for two dollars. I I'm not going to take my shoes off right here. I mean I call maybe is that from the graduate. I believe yeah. The graduate, I believe. Oh yeah. I've never seen it. Oh, it's good, it's good.

Dr. Footman, I called you because I wanted to make an appointment to go into your office and do this in a more professional manner. Right, and then I sent you a spam link that enabled your geolocation and I followed you here. Because I got to get at those feet. As you know, I asked you to stop making appointments because I lost my medical license after putting celebrities' feet pictures on wiki feet. I don't know why you say as you know.

I didn't hear about any of this. We've met before. Does this look familiar? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? He has no sense of who I am unless I'm down by his feet. Likely story. I would really rather go into your office, but do you want to do it?

Do you want to pretend we're in my office? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm just being a compliment. You and I are friends, that's why I had you on as close. Hey, you're the love of my life, okay? Who is Marcel Marceau? Alright, oh, we're already in the office. You just snapped your fingers. Did we teleport? Yes, we did, yeah, yeah. If you love something enough the way I love feet, you can teleport. If you love something enough the way I love feet, you can teleport.

You should be able to teleport based on loving your family, but it seems like you don't love them as much as I love feet. Which is okay. There are a few things I love more than my family. OJ Simpson. This panel of guests, I imagine, they rank higher. Okay. Let's get those itchy shoes off. My shoes aren't itchy, but can I sit while I do this? Sure, yeah. This is for the listeners at home. Wow. I'm looking at Scott's feet. He's actually taking his shoes off. What do they shoes off. What do they look like?

What do they look like? Is one okay or? Yeah, one is okay. I'm really worried people are going to be taking pictures of this. Scott, this could be very good for your career. I mean, right Claudia, do you have your pictures up? Yeah, I've got five star feet. So.

Wow. Five star feet. I would love to represent you. I'm an agent to Celebrity Feet. Do you have a daughter? Do I have a daughter? Yeah. A man like me, of course.

Okay. You're safe. It sounds great to me then. I was cursed with them. What? As a punishment for what a pig I was earlier in my life. It's amazing what a daughter could do. Having a daughter changes you as a punishment for what a pig I was earlier in my life. It's amazing what a daughter could do. Having a daughter changes you as a man.

Suddenly you're like, whoa, women are once a daughter. My wife was once a daughter. My my my grandma was once a daughter. My daughter, you OK? Still a daughter. Yeah. Yeah. You get it All right, Scott, let's see that itchy foot foot is not the itching isn't the issue. All right. Yeah, he's sliding off his sock Should I sing like happy birthday or anything while I do this? We could sing happy birthday to him, right?

I know, I don't want people to sing it to me. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Scott. Happy birthday to you. Whoa! That, oh wow. Why did we sing that? I think I was saying I was gonna do it like Marilyn Monroe

and then you asked them to do it, so I don't know. We should have done it much sexier then. We have to sing it the right way. Let's put the sock back on and do it again. Yes! Mr. President. Claudia's got it. Nice and breathy.

How did she do it? Happy birthday to you. But then when did she do it? Happy birthday. That's all I remember. You seem to know well. But she goes, Mr. President, in like a breath away. Oh yeah, Mr. President.

Happy birthday. I'm staring at you. Scott. So we... Scott used to date Marilyn Monroe. Let's cut to you. Happy birthday. Let's cut to the foot.

That's what he said. Okay, so I'm wiping the drool that's coming out of my mouth. These are five star feet for sure. Look at that. You see anything wrong with them? Yeah, there's something wrong with them. They don't have my mouth on them. What's the treatment for that, doctor? Let me get my prescription pad out here, and my pen, and I'm writing, stick the foot in your doctor's mouth. When should he do that? Let's see, for the listeners right here?

This was your choice. I knew it was coming. I knew. You gotta give it a little, you gotta give it. Don't use those horse perspective tricks. That's the most an audience has ever clapped for something they really don't want. Five cell phones went immediately up. You freaks.

See me after the show. Dr. Footman, you talk a big game, but then when it came down to action, you chickened out. It's true, it must have been the odor coming from the foot. No, but it's right, I'm a huge coward at the end of the day. Have you ever even put a foot in your Uh, no. You know what? I think today is the day. I think today is the day. You at least got to put one toe.

You got to give one little lick or something. These people are all paying customers and we're just supposed to be satisfied after that? These people paid a lot of money to watch you suck on my toes. Again, you would never recover. I just, I want to address the crowd, but also the panel of guests,

including one panel guest in particular. Let's just be clear that I have to address the crowd, but also the panel of guests, including one panel guest in particular. Let's just be clear that I have to go home and kiss my wife with this mouth. Yeah, don't worry, I thought about that part. I think your wife would take a little break. You guys would switch to hugging for a little bit. Sounds like she probably has this all worked out in her mind. Yeah, my wife's definitely thinking about it right now.

Scott, before I proceed with this, let me ask you, has your foot ever been in someone's mouth? I don't believe so. I think this would be a first. So it's clean. Yeah, that's how a foot gets dirty. There's been a vibe shift. It's clear now that Scott wants this more than me and I'm turned off. Scott wants this more than me and I'm turned off. Yeah. Of course, it's the chase.

Oh man, if this happened, I would literally die. Yeah. OJ, you love the chase, right? The thrill of the chase. Yeah. Absolutely. OJ, maybe you should fuck a toe. Not in a million years.

I would confess before I did that. All right, well, Dr. Harry Footman here. Cheers. Cheers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know,

it's such a pleasure to have you all here and I think that we promised we were going to end the show with this Tony Sony. I think it's time for you to do your stand up. Oh my God. I gotta get my joke. Oh shit. I gotta open up my Google doc. My Google doc. Okay.

Okay. Let's see what I got. Your Google doc is open. My Google doc. open up my Google Doc. My Google Doc, okay, okay, let's see what I got. Your Google Doc is open? My Google Doc, I got my Google Doc. My GuMa says she wants me to buy her more flowers. I say sure, I'll get you more flowers. You want regular gluten free, my GuMa.

Ah! Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ah. Oh, this is a crowd oh my god. My guma can't cook. The other day she made me a breakfast so bad I thought the piece of toast was an English muffin my guma. Wow this is really slayin' aren't they? Wow. My doctor tells me I need to go on a diet. Says I need to stop eating so many fried chicken bologna sandwiches. I says, Doc, please don't make me do this. How about I give up eating my grandma's pussy instead of my grandma?

My kind of stuff. You guys, you love that. Wow. My sex, you love that. Listen, I have to, wow. My sex life is so bad. It's so bad that my guma says she'll have sex with me when pigs fly. I says, well good news, I was on an airplane with a cop the other day.

Like what? Oh yeah, that got him going, that got him going. Let's see here. My guma. My guma. Oh yeah, that got him going, that got him going. Let's see here. My guma's so stupid. She's so stupid she thought Portugal was in Europe, my guma. My guma says she thinks Timothy Chalamet is cute. I said Timothy Chalamet. More like Piggy T.

Shallow Butt. My god. Can you say that? Can I get less in my monitor, please? Can you say that one again? Yeah, can I get less in my monitor, please? Am I too close to you? Let's see.

Yeah. Uh, Piggy T. Shallow Butt. Am I too close to you? Let's see. Yeah. Piggy shallow butt. Oh, please. One more time, please. You want the whole thing again? No, no, just the end. Just piggy shallow butt. Thank you.

Okay. My doctor told me I need to eat less red meat says if I'm one burger away from dying of a heart attack my guma My guma says I'm too fake Says honey the last I said sir her honey the last time I saw my dick was in 2001, and look what happened, 9-11, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, thank you, wow, thank you so much. Unbelievable. That was great.

Tony, Sony, everyone. That was great. Why are you making that face? The only one I didn't like, Scott, was the one about the police. Because as Scott and I always say, blue lives matter. If it weren't for one specific policeman, I wouldn't be here talking to you right now. His name is Mark Fuhrman. I've never heard of this guy. What'd he do?

He was a cop who saved my life, honestly, by doing something very unethical. When all of, for lack of a better term, what's the word, evidence was already there. He had to tamper with it because of racism. Did he? Did he tamper with it? He did. Did he? Go back and watch.

Alright. I'll be watching from heaven. Oh my god. Oh no. OJ went up to heaven? Absolutely. Take care! Alright, that's our show everyone! Andy Daly, Carl Tart, Tim Fultz, and Mr. Paul F. Torkin. Thank you very much, Los Angeles. We love you so much. Have a good night!