Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Paul F. Tompkins, Erin Whitehead, Ryan Gaul

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Wet Day co-creator Paul F. Tompkins joins Scott for the 3rd annual Wet Day celebration! They chat about the origin of Wet Day, different types of liquids, and new Wet Day traditions. Then, underwater treasure hunter Brock Lovett returns along with Ursula to talk about their recent encounter under the sea. Plus, barber Bernie Cutch drops by to talk about his traditional barbershop services. Happy Wet Day to all and many Urkels as well!

Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang. Liquidy, leaveings, we are soggy once again. Rejoice in the moist. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to You're In All Cakes for that catchphrase submission.

Very apropos You're In All Cakes, because it is... Wet Day! Wet Day! Once again! Oh! Third annual Wet Day! Can you! Third annual wet day! Can you believe it?

Can you believe it's here? I can't believe it. It came so suddenly this year for me. My favorite time of year. I was so dry for so long, and then just suddenly today I woke up, I was wet. I start in October, I start sort of, I don't know. Moistening things?

Demoistening things, so that they can be, I can like moisten everything for wet. Oh God. You want to be as dry as possible. Yeah. As before. And then what day Eve, of course, begins midnight. That's right. Wet, wet day Eve, uh, midnight of wet day Eve.

It begins the, or, uh, yeah, midnight, midnight on wet day Eve. Right. That's when I will turn on the shower, full blast. Full blast. I'll put all of the stuff I own in there, and then I climb on top of it. Electronics. Everything. Absolutely everything. Just a gigantic mountain of things. Yeah, because then I can buy all new electronics. That's what's great. We love to shop. America has a shopping addiction. Yeah. Well, we hope you're celebrating wet day

out there with us. We know you are as a matter of fact. And I want to introduce my guest. He is here for the third annual wet day celebration. He is the co-creator of wet day as a holiday. I mean, I don't know if he's the sole creator of it as anything else, but as a holiday, he's the co-creator of wet day.

I think that's safe to say. Yeah. And please welcome back to the show, Paul F. Tompkins. the sole creator of it as anything else, but as a holiday, he's the co-creator of Wet Day. I think that's safe to say. Yeah. And please welcome back to the show, Paul F. Tompkins. Scott, it's great to see you again. So good to see you, Paul. Thank you for having me on the show. I'm the wettest I've ever been right now. Same.

I mean, I thought I couldn't top last year's Wet Day. I'm sopping wet. I am soaked to the bone. Yeah. I believe I have pneumonia. Yeah, I'm sick. Yeah, we're going to die for this. I am soaked to the bone. Yeah. I believe I have pneumonia. Yeah, I'm sick. We're going to die from this. I'm shivering.

We're elderly men and we should not be doing this. No, I'm shivering. I'm starting to feel very warm. I just feel cozy and I just want to like rest. Well let's take it, by the way, it is also wet day shares a day with Haley Joel Osmond's birthday. Yes. So we want to wish him a happy wet day and an even happier birthday. Happy birthday second. Yes, exactly. We want to, of course, oh God, it's that pneumonia. We want to, for any of you who don't know what

we're talking about. And I can't imagine you don't. If you don't celebrate wet day in your own houses for some reason or another. If you're an ET who just got here to planet earth and you need to know about our customs. And you're pretending to be a human, trying to acclimate yourself, trying to fit in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't because of your weird head and long neck and little stubby body. Well guess what? This'll help knowing what wet day is.

Yeah. Because eating Reese's Pieces is gonna be enough. Ah, ah. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. Here's what happens, wet happens, like gump happens. Also, you should watch our after show, watch what happens live. Yes, please. We're gonna be doing that live

no matter when you listen to it. Yeah, and it's a show where we get drunk for some reason and we invite a bunch of weirdos. We celebrate alcoholism. We celebrate alcoholism. We celebrate alcoholism. We have alcoholics on the show. Yep. Former, prior, current. Current, yes. Yeah. Whatever stage of alcoholism they're in.

It's fun to get them before they're fully blown. Yep, in turn. What happened was approximately three years and three months or so ago. And brrrr, months ago. Oh, I said the years. Why am I? Paul and I were on the CBB Best Of episodes. I forget which year, but you can do the math yourself. And we talked about how, how did wet day come to be? Well, wet day came to be because we realized that

after April Fool's Day, most people have dried off from the pranks. Yeah. And they need to get wet again. The bucket, the door jam. The bucket. Yeah. And they need to get wet again.

They need to get wet again. And so wet day was born on April 10th. They have enough time to get dry that nine day period. That's more than enough time. Sure, I hope so. For the types of April Fool's pranks that involve water or any kind of liquid. Sure.

No, I mean, hey, I want to look, sure, we celebrate water on this show. Hey, sure. Of course we do. Water is one of the best things to get wet with. Yes. It's 99.5% of the planet. That's right. Our bodies are 99.5% water.

That's right. If you touch anyone a little bit hard, they will just go sploosh and dissolve into a puddle of liquid. At the very least, your fingertip will come away damp. That's right. Depending on where you touch them as well. Right. Hello. But we love water, but we don't want to discount

the other liquids out there. No, beer. Liquid soap. Liquid paper. Sure, we'll take a liquid paper. If you want to douse me in liquid paper today, I love it, it's wet day. Do you think Elmer's glue is not a liquid?

You're wrong. That's right, just pour crazy glue all over your friends. Yes, Gorilla Glue! Shout out to Harambe. Oh yes, Harambe, R-I-P. Did the R in R-I-P stand for Rambe? Oh, you're on board. It's H-R-I-P. But you're on board. Okay. It was the H-R-I-P. But no, enough about Harambe because today is wet day and I don't recall Harambe ever being wet.

No, I don't think so. He was one of the driest ass monkeys I've ever seen. I mean, he entered the wet t-shirt contest shortly after. That's true. Yes. And he won. And by the way, wet t-shirt contest, perfect way to celebrate wet day. Perfect way to celebrate. And you know what? Everybody wins. That's right. The viewers, one of the women.

You know, the wet t-shirt contest. Yeah. It's not, first of all, it's not about how wet your t-shirt can be. No. And that's what we like about them. It's about the jugs. That's right. And that I feel like wet, you know, wet t-shirt contests have been just so kind of, you know, commercialized. Yeah. And that is something Paul, I wanted to talk to you about. Oh, please. Do you feel wet day is too commercial now, especially with all of the wet day merch that we've started? There's all this merch now and it didn't used to be that way. And we're the ones who started it. It used to be about. We're the ones making the merch. Yes, it used to be about getting soaking wet. Yeah. Celebrating liquids of all kinds.

Sure. And now it's about t-shirts and. And swim trunks and towels. Swim trunks and towels. And the towels are like, that's something to get dry with. I don't know what, how did. Kind of the opposite of wet day. Yeah, I mean, yes, it says these towels

will get you as wet as you can possibly be or something to that effect on them. To me, that's like getting a crucifix on Christmas. That's right. It's like, hey, this is the thing we're going to kill this guy with. Yeah. Who's just born today. Well, the crucifix means he's on it. Right, yes.

Not a cross. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Crucifix, of course, the idolatry of the Catholic Church. Sure, of course, yes. This is not part of wet day culture. No, no, no, no, no, no. Jesus is not involved. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Crucifix, of course, the idolatry of the Catholic Church. Sure, of course, yes. This is not part of wet day culture, right? No, no, no, no, no. Jesus is not involved? No, no, no, no. This is a side topic?

This is my culture, Catholicism. Oh, okay, great. And what we do is we worship idols, a graven images, even though the Bible says don't do that, but we think because it's Jesus Christ, you gotta be okay with that. That's true. Yeah. And of course, cannibals, because we consider the Eucharist to be the with that. That's true. Yeah. And of course cannibals, because we consider the Eucharist to be the actual body of Christ.

Right. You know what? I gotta say, Paul, I don't like talking about Jesus because he is one of the driest Bible characters because he walked on water. He wouldn't soak himself in it. That's true, but when he was pierced by the Roman soldier in the side- He spurted blood.

Water came out. Oh, really the side, water came out. Oh, really? Oh, interesting. Well, you know, we've established before Jonah, one of the wettest Bible characters of all time. Oh my God. Oh my Lord. This guy was in the ocean, then he was in a whale?

It's like... You think it's dry inside a whale? It is not. Hell no. No. With all the acids and bodily juices flowing. If you swallowed a fly, of course, perhaps you'll die. But that fly would be like a Jonah,

and he wouldn't be like, oh, it's the Sahara in here. He'd be like, gross, it's wet as hell. So I don't like talking about Jesus, but one thing I did want to mention is we had established wet day Eve is celebrated two months before. Pete Slauson Yeah, of course. And what I've said comports with that. Jared Slauson Oh, okay. Oh, okay. They fit together. Okay, wonderful. So, January 10th is wet day eve.

Pete Slauson Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao. And I have been wet as a judge. Jared Slauson Of course, the decorations… Pete Slauson I have been wet as a doornail since then. The decorations, we string together popcorn and ice cubes. We have a wet day tree. We get the wettest tree we can find. By the way, it's just the wettest tree you can find. Any kind of tree.

We're not saying that you have to be out there with sopping wet trees. Just the wettest one you can find. Yeah, but it has to be wet. Well, it has to be somewhat wet, but it's like if you live in a dry area where trees are only, you know. A dry area. Yeah, exactly, just nominally wet,

then get the wettest one you can find. Yeah. You put it inside your house and then open the window and bend it so that it leans inside. That's right. You put it inside your house and then bend it so it leans inside? I don't know.

I think you put it outside your house and you bend it so. Outside the house. Outside the house, that's right, bend it so it leans inside. I don't know. I think you put it outside your house and you bend it so- Outside the house. That's right. Bend it so it leans inside. Yes. Because who wants a tree in their house? Not me.

Especially a wet one. Not me. Exactly. Even though we love wet day and everything it stands for, we throw in a wet tree the house. Jim Belushi, grand marshal of the wet day parade. There are three wet ghosts- Three years running.

Three wet ghosts and wet bed sheets who visit us on wet day. That's right, it's disgusting. One is Ted Danson and the Lady in Creepshow. And then Leslie Nielsen, also from Creepshow. That's correct. Of course, what do we do on wet day? The Lady from Creepshow. Her name lost to the...

Probably Christine Forrest. But we don't know. Do you think so? We don't know. Forrest get wet. Forrest get very, very wet. Yeah, they're just standing out there. The rainforest?

They are... Ever heard of it? They are the cover for other things. That's right. Yeah, they're the things that let other things be dry. Yeah. What do we do on wet day? We take a longer shower than usual, 30 minutes exactly to the second, that we're saying. That's right.

You have to use an atomic clock. That's right. You have a big wet meal, mainly soup, but you can squirt some mustard in your mouth. You can squirt some mustard in your mouth. You know what I mean? Sleep in a tub, a full tub, of course, full of water or whatever liquid you choose. That's right. Visit wet places, toss water balloons into local businesses. That's right. Visit wet places. Mm-hmm. Toss water balloons into local businesses.

That's right. And they love it. They love it. Take the ink out of a pen, fill it with water, and then put that ink into squirting flowers. Do just sort of swap them. Just switch, yeah. Yeah, just switch them. We sing wet day carols.

We have wet ass pussy, of course, is a very big one. It's like the jingle bells of wet day. It truly is. And it's a little kids know it. They love to sing it. They love it. Of course, we also have going to make you sweat by CNC Music Factory. That's right. Of course, Keith Sweat, anything by him.

Anything by him. Bringing in the sheaves. Even though it's about wheat, you can pronounce wheat as wet. Bringing in the sheaves. Uh, even though it's about wheat, you can pronounce wheat as wet. Wet day gifts, a wet car with a wet bow. Water bottled. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. Uh, so many things we can do on wet day. It's, and I feel like I feel like it's now just spreading throughout the country. I know there are wet day celebrations out there. Oh, absolutely. There are wet day parties.

More and more people are celebrating it. And it's very exciting to see it take off. It never really happens where a new holiday is created and people are, you know, cause you always hear about this blank, blank day of this, you know, it's like national pie day or whatever. I hate blank, blank day of this. Yeah.

Give it a rest. Give it a rest blank, blanks. It's not gonna happen. Yeah. Plus it's just one day. Yeah. Do you think wet day should be a wet week? Here's what I think.

This is a holiday, an American holiday that- Love it or leave it. I think we've also established is worldwide, right? I think so, but started in America. It's a global holiday. Much like jazz. Yeah, global holiday that started in America, much like jazz. I saw a lot of them.

Of course you did. Yeah. Remember when he loved jazz so much in this musical that he talked about it while jazz was playing? Right, yeah, I do remember that. It was a musical. It was good. So I think it has the potential, and I think it's not just potential, I think it's on track to kind of replace Thanksgiving as the premier American holiday.

I think so. And honestly, I don't think anyone's going to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. We don't like it. Why would you? Here's what you know, here's what's dry, turkey. Oh God, if I have to eat another dry ass turkey. Yeah. Oh my Lord. And you know what else is dry? Your elderly parents and their skin. What if we're now,

get a parody of what's supposed to be called dry ass turkey. Dry ass turkey? This is actually, do you wanna mail that to ourselves? Will he allow himself to say ass? I don't, I think he said it once. He said it once? Maybe he was talking about a donkey though. In his Shrek audition.

I don't know. We'll find all this out, but I think, I think instead of like, look, honestly, Thanksgiving always ends up on a weird day, a Thursday. Oh, so weird. Wednesday's so easy to remember? April 10th. So easy, nine days after you're wed on April Fool's Day. Exactly. It's the same day every year. And like Thursday, having things on a Thursday,

first of all, that's must-see TV night. Yeah, I mean, I gotta watch my shows that night. I gotta watch my stories. What's on must-see TV these days? What is on must-see TV these days? What is on must-see TV these days? I think it's Urkel's Revenge? I think so, yeah. He finally gets revenge on all those people who thought he was a nerd. Urkel has a list of people. He just kills them one by one?

It's kind of like Kill Bill. Yeah, he kills them one by one. And he says, after each murder, of course, he says, did I do that? Yes, I did. He waits for an answer from the dead body. And then he goes, oh, that's right. You're dead. Yes, I did do that. I love that show. There was one where he forced the victim, I think it was Carl, he forced him to say, did you do that? So he could say, yes, I did. Yes, I did. And right then he like blows him away. I's so, and I love that episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the first minute of the first episode. I cried.

Yeah, and then he just sits around for the next 29 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he thinks about Urkelbot. He's like, why'd I do that? Did I, why did I, I should be a millionaire. I'm a fully functioning Android. I'm a child.

Urkel, not officially wet day canon. But his name is so close to snorkel. I think we include him. I think, you know, honestly, Jim Belushi, you haven't been reppin' wet day. But Belushi sounds like a splash, right? I know. It sounds like somebody's doing a cannonball. But he hasn't gotten himself involved all that much.

No, he just shows the end of his cigar and how disgustingly he's stopping what it is. And why aren't we replacing him with Urkel? Let's get Urkel in here. I think we should, absolutely. Belouche, you're out. Urkel, in. But Urkel, we need you to be out there

doing some outreach for wet day year round. Not just on wet day Eve, which as we've established is January 10th. That's right. But out there year round. And you know, I think no one likes Thanksgiving. No one. It's too close to Christmas. Yes. Wet day's perfect. It's in April. Ain't shit going on in April. We can also get rid of April Fool's Day, which who cares? Now, of course, then the whole reason behind wet day won't exist anymore because it's when people have dried off. Well, but Christmas used to be a pagan holiday. You know what I mean? Like, holidays can... That's also true. But I think Thanksgiving, let's take, let's do this. Let's not celebrate Thanksgiving this year.

Let's make a pact. On board. And instead we'll just kind of try to remind people about wet day on that day. Yes, try to. Yes, we don't have to succeed. Let's make our best effort. Let's just kind of like show like one of those iPhone

sort of montages that they create for us of us. Oh, yeah. Us very wet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll post those on Thanksgiving. Yeah. By the way, the music choice is always on point. Oh, so good.

Yeah. And there's never one very odd photograph that doesn't belong in them. No. Like a screenshot of a thing you were thinking about buying for the house. A lamp gets in there. Celebrating with friends. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling.

Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Wow, I mean, it's already off to a great start this wet day. Love it. Oh my Lord. Love it. And, you know, I mean, what will wet day be in the future? Oh my God, Scott. Well, first of all, it's going to be even greater because of the

polar ice caps melting. Oh, that's right. Even more water. So wet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No more of that ice. See, that's the thing. Ice on wet day. If you order a drink at a bar, you better order it neat. Cause we don't want to see any frozen water in there. We want that water to be just straight out of the tap. If you have to have it on the rocks,

please wait a half hour before you drink it. Thank you. And you know what? Waterworld should be the wet day movie. Yes, and it should be- The entire world is water. It should be where everyone goes on wet day to Universal Studios, the Waterworld attraction. That should be where everyone goes on wet day to Universal Studios, the Waterworld attraction.

That should be absolutely. And everyone, you know the splash zone, the first three rows where everyone's like, oh, I don't want to sit there. No, everyone clamors to sit there. Yes. And you know what? For people who don't celebrate wet day, this is like Jewish people on Christmas, instead of going to a Chinese restaurant, you go see the Dune movies.

Have those movies for all of your weird non-wet day traditions. Instead of going to a Chinese restaurant, you go see the Dune movies. Sure. Have those movies for all of your weird, non-wed day traditions. If you insist on not observing, this holiday, which is open to everyone, regardless of race, creed. You don't have to believe anything. I don't care about your creed. You know, we get it. Jewish people, they don't celebrate Christmas because they don't believe that Christ was

actually the, you know, the dude. Born. Born. Yeah. They think he never got born. They think he never got born? Yeah. Interesting. They think he's still waiting to be born in heaven.

Oh, okay. This is weird. Anyway, we get it. Look, I'm no religious scholar. This is what I've gleaned. Okay. So we get it. You have beliefs which preclude you from celebrating wet day.

We get it. We take anyone in wet day. You don't have to believe in anything. Like Scientology. Yeah. You can still practice your own religion and be a Scientologist. Exactly. So we, Scientologists celebrate wet day with us. We would take any Scientologists. If you're in the Sea Org, sure. The Sea Org is the real wet day organization. You have signed up to be a member of this organization for a billion years. Why not have a holiday?

Yeah, once a year, one billion times in a row. Sounds good to me. Celebrate wet day. Man, it's wonderful to be here. It's wonderful to be wet with you, Paul. It's wonderful to be wet with you, Scott. You're my wet day family. Wait, we don't have to celebrate wet day

with our wet day families though, right? We can celebrate wet day solo. You're my wet day family. Wait, we don't have to celebrate wet day with our wet day families though, right? We can celebrate wet day solo. You can celebrate wet day solo. This is the, oh, God damn it. This is what's so beautiful about it. Yeah. You can celebrate wet day in any combination of people. That's right.

And you don't need someone to get you wet. No. Get yourself wet. And if you have, you know, some fizzle. Wet yourself. Wet yourself. If you have some... Yeah, wet your pants! Wet your pants! It's right there! It's right there! Wet your pants today!

It's the thing that takes the least amount of effort! Yeah! Just wake up, wet your pants... Let it happen! ...and get in the shower! So much of our lives is trying not to wet our pants. This is the one day... If you think about it. This is the one day where you can just let it flow.

Oh my God, how often in your life are you like, I have to get to the bathroom. I gotta get to the bathroom. Yeah. Come on, come on. No, just let it go. Let it happen. Let it go.

Let it go. Let the urine fill up your pants. I don't remember how the song goes. No, that was it. We should pair it to you though for wet day. Another good one for Weird Al. Oh, that's true. Weird Al, would you please consider one day a year

calling yourself Wet Al? Just on Wet Day. Just on Wet Day, Wet Al Yankovic. Yeah, he'd love it. Because I'm wet. I'm wet, you know it. Please everyone send this message to Al on all of his socials.

Please, he would love nothing more. He would love it. He would love to celebrate wet day with us. Well, Paul, I know you have to go, but- I can stick around. You can stick around? Yeah. Oh, okay.

I might be a little quieter than usual. Oh, okay, that would be great. Yeah, yeah. But I might find something to say. If I look up from my phone occasionally. Okay, so you're gonna be here for the rest of the show on your phone. I'll be scrolling like hell.

Almost silent. Yes. Okay, great. Well, when we come back, we do have, we have a very great show today. We have- It's very great. We have an entrepreneur who gets back- You're letting entrepreneurs back?

Yeah, 2024, entrepreneurs are back. Wow. Yeah, I was kind of like, why am I, what is this rule that I have where I can't have entrepreneurs on the show? It was crazy. It makes me hope that Gene Simmons will one day realize- One of our greatest entrepreneurs.

He can give free rides. Oh, okay. Yeah, he wouldn't mention other products or artists or whatever because no free rides. Yeah, remember the Mr. Show movie when we wanted to not even use them in it, but just people dressed as them in a cameo and they asked for $150,000.

I was not privy to that discussion. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. We have to take a break. When we come back- We have to. We have a wet entrepreneur. We also have a little later a barber who I would imagine slaps, you know, cologne on people on wet day. We got to talk about that blue liquid. That blue, what is it? Oh.

What is it? What is it? We have to talk about it. I don't know what that is. You don't know what, what is it? That's very scary to me. What is it? Stop it.

You have to listen to the show more often. Oof. I just found out you're letting entrepreneurs ride on it. You haven't listened all of 2024 at sea. Where's little Gary? I know. He's a very wet person too. He is very wet, right?

He's not food. Well, so many people thought he was food. They were popping him in their mouths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just, you know, got tangentially wet. He's covered in saliva. He's covered in it, so we should invite him. But he's not here.

But we have a wet entrepreneur. We also have a barber. This is very exciting. Happy wet day to all. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Wet! Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Paul F. Tompkins is here and has his phone.

What's up? Yeah, he's got his phone in his hands. He's just kind of reading. Got my phone in my hands. What are you scrolling through over there? What do you got? Terms of service. You actually read those. Cover to cover. Got my phone in my hands. What are you scrolling through over there? What do you got? Terms of service.

You actually read those. Cover to cover. Okay. All right, well, Paul's gonna be in the corner this entire episode, but we do need to get to our first wet, wet guest. And this is very exciting. He is an entrepreneur of sorts.

I mean, I guess he doesn't really own a business, like at least a storefront, a brick and mortar. That's right. Um, but he, he, he's self-employed. Yeah. We should say. That's right.

And you're not selling things to people, goods and services, but I guess you are selling things once you retrieve them. Yeah. I guess it's like a retrieval service. Right. But for yourself. I find the thing and then I'll sell it to people

if they're interested in buying it. And by the way, I'll introduce you in a second. Okay. Are you ever hired on a reward basis to find something? Yeah, this happened a lot, yeah. Oh, okay. So it's not you just finding treasure and then fencing it in other words.

It's both. It's both, great. Look, you not you just finding treasure and then fencing it. It's both. It's both. Great. Look, you can hire me to find treasure, but when that's not happening, I'm still looking for treasure. Oh yeah. All the time. All the time. Every day? Every damn day.

All right. Well, let's introduce you. He is an underwater treasure hunter. And I guess famously for people who haven't heard him on the show before, he was on the hunt for a certain. The core de la mer. Certain diamond, the core de la mer. The heart of the ocean. The heart of the ocean, of course. I guess most famously seen in the movie Titanic.

Yeah. Which I know is a sore spot for you. I'm not ready to go back to Titanic. You're not ready. No. Meaning the movie or would you go back to the actual underwater? Any day of the week, but the movie? No.

Yeah. It's too painful to watch. They made a fool of me in that movie. They did. They did. They did. They, I mean, I mean, we've talked about it on this show, but. She had that necklace the whole time.

The whole damn time. And all she had to do was like rip open her blouse. She threw it away. Like she was Superman or something. Just give it to me. Yeah. She threw it in the ocean. Why are you doing that?

I was just there. You were like, not even two feet away from it. No. Most of the time, you were like almost nose to diamond with it. I didn't get to smoke my cigar. How wet is the end of your cigar, by the way? It's pretty dry. I'm so sorry.

Unless I find treasure. If I have a successful treasure hunt, then of course I light up my famous cigar. That's right. That is my little reward. What is more rewarding than a cigar? Do you actually like- What a treat. Do you like treasure or do you just like the cigar? It's like when I would drink martinis and I would just like, I really want the olive. And then I realized I just like olives.

That's a weird, what's wrong with you? So I threw the vodka away and then I just eat olives. Had you never seen olives in a store before? I hadn't. You thought it was the only way to procure olives was to order a martini? Come on now, you're being reductive here. I'm saying that I was like, oh, I'm being reductive.

I like martinis and then I realized I only enjoyed them for the olives. I don't think I'm being reductive. I think you're insane. Okay, look, I'm gonna kick you off the show. Hey man. I'm just gonna talk to Paul. You can try it and then it's game over man.

What would happen if I tried hitting you? I'd hit you back. That would be two hits, me hitting you? It would be three hits. Okay. You hitting me, me hitting you, me hitting you again. Oh no, do either of us hit the floor or did he hit me? Eventually you will hit the floor.

Okay, just from two hits? I you will hit the floor. Okay. Just from two hits? I will keep on hitting you. Oh really? So this is more than two hits. It's gonna be 10 hits. 10 hits. Me with one, you with nine.

You're hitting me. What's the ratio? Okay, here's how it goes. You're hitting me, me hitting you, me hitting you again, us trying to hit each other at the same time, but we hit fists. Okay, so that's two. You trying to hit me again, I duck, you hit the wall.

Okay, so that's set, we're up to seven at this point. Me hitting you with an uppercut. You go up like two inches off the floor. Oh, okay, okay, but I don't hit anything, so now we're at eight. Then it's your feet hitting the floor. Okay, and then what? This is the tenth hit, this is the last one. Then it's you hitting the floor. Got it.

And your whole body. A whole body, so other than feet, the bottoms of the feet, cause I guess the bottoms of the feet would be. No, no, no. The bottoms of your feet will stay on the floor. What? Ouch! And your ankles will break. Oh no!

I don't want that to happen. No, you don't. I'm not gonna hit you. Yeah, that's right, man. Okay. Brock Lovett is on the show. Hi everybody. Hi. It's me, Brock Lovett is on the show. Hi, everybody. Hi.

It's me, Brock Lovett. You're the wettest guest we could think of. I love this day, man. Yeah. It's one of my favorite, you know what? It's my favorite day. You haven't been on the show before to talk about it, but you, I mean, I've thought about you.

I've been celebrating. I've thought about you every wet day. Boy, Brock must be like a pig in shit today. I've thought about, well, depending on how liquid the shit is, yeah. Pigs also like mud. Yeah, they do, yeah. Why don't we say a pig in mud? It's like a nicer way to say this expression.

Do you think if a pig could understand English and then people said you're happier than a pig in shit, the pig would be like, I beg your pardon? I like mud mainly. I'm just trying to cool off, dude. It's not like it's my favorite thing. It's like, this is how I reduce heat in my body. Exactly. Brock Levin is here. Also, I'm very smart. Stop eating me.

Didn't you read that Charlotte's Web book? I'm friendly too. Turned a lot of people vegan, I believe. Charlotte's Web? Yeah. What? Yeah, because they like that pig. What's his name? Wilbur? Wilbur. Yeah, they like that pig so much. His friend Charlotte. Yeah, they like him so much.

They read that as a child and they can't ever imagine eating another pig. Where are you getting this data? This is, look, I'm briefed on, I get the presidential briefings every morning. Oh, wow. Yeah. Also you carry around that football.

But it's just an actual football. It's an actual football. Yeah. It's Nerf. It's Nerf. It has a timer on it though. Nerf is fun. Nerf is really fun. Great invention.

And you know what's great in, at a pool party is to get the Nerf ball sopping, sopping wet. Love it. And throw it at someone. Oh, and you see the droplets coming off. And then it hits someone in the face. It's heavier than normal. Absolutely.

And you see an explosion of water. Absolutely. Oh, you see the droplets coming off. And then it hits someone in the face. It's heavier than normal. Absolutely. And you see an explosion of water. Absolutely. Oh, it breaks their nose. And they're not really hurt. Well, yeah, I guess. Yeah. Depending on the angle, yeah. Yeah, but it's great. Remember when Marsha got hit in the football on Brady Bunch? I do, yeah. I'm old enough to remember that. I'm old enough to remember when

Marsha got hit in the face with the football. What's the cutoff for people knowing about that, do you think? I think the last people are about to die. Oh, come on. I think millennials know about it. Do you really? Yeah. They should turn it into a meme.

It's a great meme. You know what would have been better? My face. What's that? Blood. Blood. Well, this is before you could show any blood on TV. You weren't allowed.

Yeah. You know, famously, uh, uh, Lucy Ricardo was pregnant for the first time on TV, but they wouldn't allow her to have blood coming out during the, uh, during the birth. They wouldn't show her bloody. They did show the birth, but they did not show any blood, no fluids of any kind. It just came out as a pristine, like almost doll like ceramic baby. They did show the placenta, but it was all rinsed off.

Brock, it's great to see you. Happy wet day to you. Happy wet day, man. Uh, it's great to see you. Happy wet day to you. Happy wet day, man. Thanks for having me. Many Urkels to you, of course. Oh, many Urkels to you. Yes. And what has been going on with you?

Obviously, for those of you who are not familiar with Brock's adventures. My CV. He goes under the sea every damn day and he looks for wet treasure. He will not touch dry treasure at all. No, I hate dry treasure. Treasure is better when it is wetter. Don't you agree? Of course. Now, what about a buried treasure? I guess- Buried where? On a desert island, maybe. If it's deep enough that the sand is like damp. Right, and then maybe some gets in there.

I wouldn't say no. You wouldn't say no to that? Yeah. You wouldn't kick that out of bed for eating cracker? Also, if I'm digging a hole and the waves come in and it's just close enough where some water gets in there, that's great. That's fine by you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll always start digging there if I'm on land. Right, yeah, yeah. That's a great place to dig, yeah. Oh man, it's a great place to dig. If you're ever on land, just dig as close to the water as you can. People like to dig in the sand, and like little kids, they got their dumb little pails and shovels and whatever,

and they're making sand castles. I'll go to just where the water, where that line is. Yeah, the dark to light rig. The dark to light, and I'll start on the light, just on the other side, because I know when that tide is coming in, some water's gonna get in there. Yeah, that's wonderful.

I can't wait! Can't wait. How often are you on land, by the way? Probably four days a year. Four days, yeah, I love that you come to us on these four days a year and you're on the show. Yeah, why not? I dock at Marina Del Rey, and then I drive up here.

Sure, it's fun to take a drive every once in a while. Because then I get to rent a car, it's real fun. Do you get reverse seasick when you're on land? Do you get land sick? Oh yeah, malditeer? Yeah. Yeah, that could be terrible. Absolutely.

Yeah, I just feel so still, it's weird. You spend your life almost being rocked to sleep, you know, by the ocean. Yeah. Rock me in the cradle of Abraham, you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. Rock my soul there. Yeah, of course. That's what you mean. Well, it's great to see you. What's been going on? We haven't seen you in a few months. What has been going on with you down there in the depths? Have you picked up any interesting treasure? I would love to hear about this.

I've gotten some good treasure. Great. Like a bunch of doubloons, of course. Okay. Man, doubloons are all over the place. Can you cash those in at like the Coinstar? By now, yeah. Great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're everywhere. Coinstar finally recognized that these things are around and they should count. Right. Yeah. So you can put them in the coin star. That's great. They made a bigger slot. Oh good. So you can get them in there. Some of them were thick. Yeah those are thick as the blues. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. I found a bunch of like rubies. Oh good. Some diamond chandeliers. Oh wow. Yeah I love, I mean those would primarily be in the ballrooms of ships.

Absolutely. But if those ships sank, they're down there. Cha-ching, dollar signs in my eyes. Wait, you have turkeys in your eyes. Get those out of there. Get the, you know, when you're hungry and you see the turkeys? No, something else turns into a turkey. You don't have turkeys in your eyes. Well, if the reflection is in your eyes. All right. That's a technicality. I'll allow it.

I got your ass. Watch yourself, counselor. All right. I will do. Yeah. I found a lot of, you know what? There's a lot of skeletons down there. Yeah. Can you catch those in at all? Do you take any with you? If they have gold teeth, yeah.

Yeah. We've got to bring in the whole skeleton. What if they're famous skeletons? Do you ever check like an ID bracelet on them or something? Like the elephant man bones I would imagine would be worth something. Yeah, but they're not underwater. Famous people aren't. Who's the most famous person to ever drown and we haven't recovered their bodies.

Well, Dr. Skeleton. That's true. Yeah. Of the celebrity toilet. Of the celebrity toilet. Yeah. He drowned. Yeah. Although I heard that he might've went to an island, and nevermind, anyway. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Most famous underwater skeleton, probably Aquaman, who was a real guy. Yeah, he was. He was not a superhero. No, that's the thing, he was introduced in the, probably the 40s in the comics.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had a normal lifespan, he was dead by 1955. Absolutely, yeah. And he's down there. But he, oh, he. He was dead by 1955. Absolutely. Yeah. And he's down there. Oh, he's down there all right. And that's a skeleton I would love to get ahold of. But yeah, he was just a guy who actually could communicate pretty well with fish in a rudimentary

way. Using sign language though. Yeah. Using his hands as flippers almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. FSL. Yes, exactly. Um, and he looked nothing like Jason Momoa. No.

Like Jason Momoa, it's sad. He wished he would look like Jason Momoa. He was, he was real butterface. Aquaman was a true Ugo. True Ugo. And you can tell by the shape of his skull. He was like, he was like an Ohio 2. No thank you. But so have you, you found rubies, you found skeletons, you found doubloons.

This is incredible. Anything else going on down there or? Well, that kind of a weird encounter. Oh. Uh, up above the, the, the... No, no, no. Where is this? Under the sea. This is under the sea? Yeah. Really? Under the sea.

Okay. What happened if, if you don't mind me asking? This is weird, but I met somebody. Oh, like a romantic partner? No, well, it's hard to say, but I don't think so. I don't know, I have complicated feelings about it. Okay, meaning you met someone you didn't, it's so interesting because the ocean is so vast.

So vast, man! You don't expect to run into anyone down there. Here's like the weirdest thing I ever see is like those dumb fish that you can see through or they have a flashlight on their head or whatever. Right, yeah. You know what I mean? The little lantern fisher, whatever they're called. Oh, that's a good name for them.

Yeah, we should call them that. I was calling them flashlight fish. Flashlight fish? Come on, man. You know what I should have called them was book light fish. That's what they look like. Oh yeah, they do.

It would be interesting to see a fish in the shape of a flashlight, wouldn't it though? Yeah. Interesting. That'd be a fish you would shape of a fleshlight, wouldn't it though? Yeah. Interesting. That'd be a fish you would become very rare, I would imagine. Why? Because they'd be so sought after.

You think that people, rather than using the fleshlight they can buy, they would prefer a fish that looks like a fleshlight. Is the appeal that it's alive or that it's organic? Probably the organic part of it because a fleshlight I would imagine is synthetic material. What's more romantic than the smell of a rotting fish? That gets me in the mood. They get one a day. They don't have to rot.

One a day plus five days. They're really rare. I'm talking about the fish thature in the deep, deep ocean. Right. Yeah. Wonderful. So what happened to you down there? Wonderful. So I met a lady. I mean, she's hard to describe. Oh, okay. Can you try or do you- Well, you know mermaids? Yeah. I've seen splash once or twice in my life. Which is it? Once. Yeah, I thought so. I once or twice in my life. Which is it? Once.

Yeah, I thought so. I don't remember it. So no, I don't know mermaids. You don't remember she ate the lobster, like with her hands? Oh, right. Yeah. She cracked it open with her teeth or something. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I did- John Candy played a real creep for some reason. He always dropping pennies just so he can look up people's skirts. Oh boy. I don't like that he did that.

Why- He made me laugh when I was a kid. I don't like that he did that. Why? Made me laugh when I was a kid. I know, but when I think about it now and he's gone, I'm like, they shouldn't have made John Candy do that. Yeah, I bet he wanted to do it. Remember Eugene Levy gets the nova cane in his leg?

Oh, that's right, and he can't walk. Oh, it's great. It's good. Kind of the precursor to all of me where Steve Martin has half of his body. Taken over by the spirit, a vengeful ghost. Exactly, yeah. What a terrifying movie.

Oh my God, a horror movie if I've ever seen one. But so mermaids are like, the top half is a lady and the bottom half is a fish. Oh yeah, that's right, yeah. So it's like a half and half. It's much like a half and half. Yeah. But this lady that I met, top half lady, kind of.

Okay. Bottom half, kind of an octopus. Oh wow, okay. Interesting. And what do you mind me asking what, I asked this about anyone in the story, what color was she? about anyone in his story. What color was she? Was it, I mean, meaning, was it purple like an octopus or? Oh yeah, pretty much purple like an octopus. But like also wearing a, like kind of a black

dress that covered all of the- The knotty bits? It must have been bespoke. It's gotta be couture. Was, did you have any jewelry at all? Yeah, I think like a nice necklace. Yeah. It looks like maybe, uh, some sort of a, uh, golds. Yeah.

Like a medallion. Medallion kind of. I mean, that's what caught my eyes. I saw the glint of gold and I was like, it's time to punch in, brock. Oh, you, you don't punch in until you actually see the- No, of course, I don't punch in. Oh, the clock. That's just a thing I say to myself

to get myself psyched up. Right. So interesting because I, this is- Gorgeous head of hair. Yeah. This is ringing some bells to me. Oh, really? Yeah, I think I've met this person.

Okay, let's say her name on the count of three. Okay, is it three and then we say the name or? It's three and then we say the name, yeah. Are we counting down from three or counting up to three? Let's count up. Count up from zero? One. Okay. Yeah, no, zero. Okay, zero. Negative one. Negative one. Okay, here we go. Negative one. Zero. One One, nose. What's that? You don't know what that is? No. Of course you wouldn't. Let's start again.

Okay. Negative one, zero, one, nose, three. Ursula. What? That's right. I've met this person before. Well, she's actually, she's in the car. Do you mind?

She's in the car? Yeah. Is she wet in there? I hope so. It's wet. Oh yeah. The car is filled with water. Okay, good.

Do you drive into like a river or something like that and fill it up with water? Not just filled up with the hose. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah. I mean, uh, could, could, uh, she come in? I think that would be great. Yeah.

Hold on a second. Oh, okay. Hey Ursula. Come on in. Well, well, well, well, you finally let me out of the car. Yeah, I did. I understand you've been here before. Oh, does that bother you? I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it. You know, I don't know why you're still hunting the heart of the ocean when you've got the octopusy of the sea

right in front of you. Hi Ursula. Oh, hello. Great to see you again. You remember being on the show? Absolutely, it was the highlight of my time on earth. I'm back under the water now. Oh, I see.

Which is not on earth. It's above the earth. It's part of the globe, I suppose, but certainly not on land. Yeah, exactly. When I hear on Earth, I think on land. Yes, same. We bonded over that.

Yeah. It's one of the few things we had in common. It's true. So you, Ursula, of course, we all know you. It's so interesting. You're both real people that movies have been based upon. Oh, thank you. Most people say that The Little Mermaid was based on The Little Mermaid, and I disagree.

I consider it to be a biopic about you. As the antagonist, I absolutely agree. Nothing would have happened without me there. Did you bond over that about having these depictions of you in movies? Yeah, like kind of being portrayed as an antihero. Yes, yes. Not quite being seen the way we were. Exactly.

All I was trying to do was find some treasure. You know, had I been in your movie, I could have sucked you under the sea, taken your voice and made you a merman. Then you could have gotten that necklace right away. Really? How would that have worked? I take people's voices all the time.

No, I understand that. No, I've seen that part of it. I? How would that have worked? I take people's voices all the time. No, I understand that. No, I've seen that part of it. I take their voice out of their lungs. No, I said, no, I know that part of it. How does he get- Out of their larynx, really? How does he get the Cordilla bear from that?

Just by being a mermaid. It's underwater, Scott. Keep up. Yeah, but I mean, the ocean is so huge. Well, because I would have been able to swim around- Immediately. Immediately.

You would have seen where it landed. I could probably swim pretty fast, right? As a merman? Very quickly. How quick? You know those videos where they show a bunch of animals racing each other, so you know how fast they can go and it's set to the same Katy Perry song? Oh, like a cheetah is always quite fast. Cheetah is always quite fast. But they did a fish one,

but there were no mermaids or merman in there. So we don't know how fast these things are. Well, let me give you an idea. Sure. You know how fast a shark swims? Yeah, real fast. Not quite that fast. So mermen and merladies, mermaids I guess, are unable to outrace sharks?

Oh, merladies. Hello 1955. Sorry. Yeah, get modern Scott, they're mermaids. But sharks can eat merpeople? Jocks can swim faster than a merperson. Why did you jump right to that? Yes.

We're talking about speed. Well, I just, if I were a merperson, I would want to be the fastest thing under the ocean so I could outrace anything. But you know, we don't have any, well, I say we, I'm not a merman yet. Are you considering being a merman? I'm thinking about it. You know, speaking of eating mermaids, if you want to... Okay Ursula, alright. Plant your poor unfortunate soul patch in my salty garden,

I wouldn't have a problem with that. Ursula, I got to ask, you seem to be wearing a dress, but it's connected to your tentacles. Are your tentacles part of the dress or is it just- Hey, man, you ever heard of gloves? This guy. Must be hard to get on. How much of me do you want to see, Scott? I'll show you whatever you want to see. Really?

Just know there's no un-seeing it once you- Is that a C part? SEA. SEA. Okay, got it. So you guys, you met under the sea and you hit it off, I guess, how did you communicate down there? Because Ursula, you can talk under the water, right?

Yeah, it's like, Scott, have you not seen my movie based on me? I have seen it, but I know you were talking to, what was her name, Ariel? Oh, you thought we were being dubbed like in a Dutch Pippi Longstocking? Exactly, yes. No, no, we were really talking. Yeah, you were just saying glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

And then someone from the Loop Group came in and. Ah! You know, they considered it doing that way, but we can speak both. We glug, glug when there's no humans around. We speak English when they are. We're very transversal. Very transversal.

I was in my little submersible and I have a speaker on it, an external speaker. Oh really? And I said, get in my little submersible. Is it the same technology that like those wireless speakers that you put in the shower that are waterproof? Exactly. Bluetooth connect. Is it hard to connect the, do you ever get down under the, underneath, you know, your

20,000 leagues down there and you're like, Oh, my Bluetooth won't connect. You don't go 20,000. Okay. Leagues is not a measurement of depth and you got to blame Jules Verne for that. I apologize. I've only heard it in relation to his famous story. Of course, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. It's a measurement of how far you go. Exactly. No. We merpeople use it as a ranking. Oh, really? What league are you in? Oh, interesting. Oh, if she's out of your league. Wow.

Not a thing you two talk about on Earth, I suppose. Do you have the movie, She's Out of My League down there? What? Starring Jay Barishel? That must've been stolen from a mermaid's laptop. I think Jay Barishel is a merman. Well, probably. Who probably did the little mermaid, like,

you know, magic trick that you did with Ariel. Yes, absolutely. He got legs. And you know how to use them. Somebody else is taking people's voices and giving them legs. And I've never heard him sing. I would love to hear him sing J. Berrishel.

J. Berrishel. So you guys struck up a conversation or were, Ursula, were you gonna kill him or what? Absolutely, with my giant vagina. I was hoping to lure him into my cave. And again, by that, I mean my giant vagina. I see. But I wouldn't really kill you.

I would just keep you there with the other little booger root vegetables I have growing there. The what? You know, all those sad little people whose voices I've taken. Oh, the poor unfortunate soul. Those people. Yeah. Yes.

So those people are all still up in there. Oh, all of them. So you're sharing space up there, Brock, if you ever consummate this relationship, or have you consummated the relationship? Hey man, look, I'm not hung up on body counts. You know what I mean? Like, live your life. I'm not going to...

Who am I? I'm not a saint. I'm not like- How many, what is your body count? My body count? Yeah. 600? 600? What? This is why you're not judgmental. I got a girl in every port, you know what I mean?

Bails in comparison to my body count. Oh, I'm sure. And let's not forget that when you're submersible, clunked out underwater. You used one of my electric eels for a jump stop. It's true. Oh really? Weird. I was trying to talk to her through the Bluetooth

speaker and it was that thing where it keeps just going, battery low, please recharge. And I'm like, I'm, you know, it's like, what happens in the shower? Like, what do you want me to do about it now? Stop saying that. We had a good laugh. We did have a good laugh.

And so the electric heel gave it a jump. Yes, Flotsam did it. Jetsam's really not cooperating lately. Do they like being called that or is that, I mean, are they, do they- A clever name. I know, I know. I don't love clever names for pets anymore, but remember I named them in the nineties. Oh, that's right. Too late.

But it's like if you had two cats and you named them garbage and trash. I would never now, but in 1992 I would have. It was acceptable back then. Of course. Yeah. I miss the nineties. I miss the nineties.

Oh, you want to go back there to when these things are acceptable. I would love to go back to the nineties. The nineties were great. My little broccoli, we agree again. I would love to go back to the 90s. And 90s were great. My little broccoli, we agree again. I didn't know you were going to call me that in front of everybody. Oh, are you blushing, broccoli? Yes, I am, Ursula.

Are you? Now we're using all our pet names, I see. I call it Ursula because she's full of coins. It's true. That's where that came from. So you guys struck up a, I guess, a romance and, uh, how did the interaction end? Not well. No, no.

If I could do it over again, I would. Really? If you could turn back time. Let's turn back time. If I could find a way. Let's do it. What happened? We. Wait, you're already to let's do it. Let's turn back time. Let's turn back time. If I could find a way. Let's do it. What happened? We-

Wait, you're already to let's do it? Let's turn back time. La la la, la la la, la la la. Well, you can't just say la la la and we go backwards. La la la, la la la. No, no, it's not happening. La la la, la la la, la la la. Nope, nope.

Here we are, we're in my sea cave. Wow. So I see you've got your bag packed. Well yeah, I gotta go sell my treasure. Oh, I see. Important things. Not like you have a treasure here. But I mean, I gotta make a living.

Oh sure, career over love. Look, don't cat in the cradle me, all right? Cat's in the cradle you. Am I your father now? I mean, I'm using the, look, it's nothing personal. I had a great time with you. I've heard this before. I do have a life of my own, you know?

This is us doing it again or are we letting them know what happened? This is terrible. No, honestly, you guys are just- We love and love. I thought we were in the past. No, you guys are just reenacting this for us. We're watching this. This is terrible.

I can't live through this again. Trauma on Pomp and Circumstance. Now we're back in real time? Let's do it a different way. You've always been in real time. Look, honest, I get the point. La la la, la la la la. La la la.

You didn't go anywhere. La la la la. Oh, so your bag is packed. Nope, I'm staying. Thank God. That didn't happen. I know, we're, okay, look, what are the rules? The rules are is I understand that you guys had a falling out, but I'm here to say that

it looks like you both really care about each other. And honestly, if you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. Oh. Wow. Comedy bang, want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. Oh, wow. Comedy bang bangs paying for a second date. How much did you think that would be? I'm going to say like we could go to a public pool. Oh, we had different ideas. How about a public pool in Spain? I don't know how much this network makes. They said they'd pay for it. It doesn't matter. Oh, we get to choose.

Yeah. This is the thing is, no one has really taken advantage of the fact that I put out this blanket offer and you can really drain me dry with it. I mean, it could be anything. Let's go to space. Oh man, on wet day to drain somebody dry? I know.

Let's go to space. Let's go to space. Space? A space ocean. Would you have to take a bunch of water up there? You need water to survive, right? Surely there's another ocean up there. There's gotta be.

It can't be the only ocean and the only beings in the whole universe. Space is infinite. Think about it. Yeah. Have they found water on Mars? I don't know. They keep saying maybe they're gonna.

You feel like they found ice up there? Isn't Mars for men? I don't want to go there. Isn't Mars what? They'd kick me right off. Maybe we should go to Venus. Yes, Venus. That's where we're from. There's gotta be plenty of water on Venus, right?

Gotta be. Why? Because it rhymes with penis and that's something wet? I guess. I don't know. But maybe it's so close to the sun that maybe it evaporates. I don't know. Oh, come on, man. Tudor seems like it would have water. Yeah. Dribbling and then then Drabbling. Lobbying all over the place. Yeah. No, I feel like we've tried to find other planets, you know, that we could survive on for a long time that have water. And that's the main need. Yeah, but you've never paid for it. So why don't you give us a ship where we can explore the outer

reaches of the universe? Yes, a bigger budget than NASA. I want more than diapers and dry ice cream, please. And this has got to be a waterproof ship because you have to take a bunch of water up there that you can... Look who had an offer and now is being picky, picky. Boy, oh boy, I guess we're not doing this. Fine, we'll go to the public pool.

Okay, yeah, great. In Spain. All right, fine, in Spain. Yes, we'll have to the public pool. Okay. Yeah, great. In Spain. All right. Fine. In Spain. Yes, we'll have ham by the pool. The rain in Spain on wet day stays mainly in the plane. I hope you'll stay there.

No, we're going to be on the plane for sure. I mean, do we have to go today if it's going to be on wet day? If it's, yeah, you have to go on wet day. This is the perfect day to do it. I feel rushed. This, see, I'm- This is the perfect day to do it. I feel rushed. This see, I- Yeah, this did happen real fast. So fast.

I'm guessing this is part of the problem. Is it neither of you wanna commit? No, I'm not, you know I have a life too. Hey man. You both have commitment issues. This is on you. Oh, it's on me? You volunteer to pay for this and then you,

I gotta say it, muddy the waters, and now we don't know what's going on. Muddy waters are fine on wet day, as long as it's wet. He's got me there. Yeah. Well, look, I'll think about it. Okay. Things are complicated for me too.

I've got people to ruin. I know. Spells to cast. Are you in the middle of like- Luring people to their deaths and so forth. Yes, yes. Are you in the middle of contracts right now where like, you know, certain days are elapsing and they're gonna- Oh yes. I need many mermaid middle of contracts right now, or like, you know, certain days are elapsing and-

Oh, yes, I need many mermaid signatures. I have things to do. Yeah, you guys, I really think that neither of you wants to settle down. Look, and that's fine. You enjoyed your time together. Batsy-turvy you are. I don't know why I-

What did you say? I sounded like Yoda. Are you Yoda, by the way? I don't know why. What did you say? I sounded like Yoda. Are you Yoda by the way? Because you're purple, not green. Purple I am. Oh! What's going on?

You have a case of the Yodas. I hate it when it happens with this. Oh dear. You have Yoda sickness? Sometimes when I come to earth, I get confused, I do. Dagobah, that would be a great planet for you guys to come to. Oh man, it's so swampy. Fours we could use in my pussy.

Oh dear. There's one cave you don't want to go into on Dagobah, but I think everywhere else is fine. That was like a Yoda fortune cookie. Well guys- Of course I use in bed. Guys we are running out of time for this segment, but can you stick around? We have another guest.

We have a barber. Just don't make me wait in the car again. It was getting quite hot in there. And Ursula, your hair, it's- Oh, is it bad? No, it's just a little longer than I've ever seen it. Oh yes, thank you. I've been growing it out.

I think it looks good. Thank you. I mean, if you got a gorgeous head of hair, why not flaunt it? Why not flaunt it? It stays white no matter what I do. I've tried to dye it, nothing sticks. Because it's wet.

And white. And magical. And you can mispronounce white as wet, and that's great for wet day. It's true. That's perfect for wet day. That's right. My wet, wet hair. It's a nice day for a wet wedding.

All right, that's another wet day Carol, I think. That's right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have this barber. This is very exciting. And Paul, you're still in here? Yeah, man. All right, great. And agree. But you're still in here? Yeah, man. All right, great. And agree. Oh, okay. Wow. This is incredible. It only took you the length of the segment to read that. We're going to come right back. We're going to have more from Paul,

more from Brock Lovett, more from Ursula, and a barber. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Brock Lovett is here. Yeah. And Ursula also here from the Little Mermaid film and Brock, obviously from Titanic, sort of. Oh, come on, man. I mean, you hate it.

Yeah. But people would know you from that. I mean, that's one thing that makes you famous. I don't like it. I mean, if they're this far in, you don't have to bring up Titanic again. I know what brings up, it's a sore point for you. Yeah, it sucked. Speaking of, do you think I should have saved any of those people? I was there.

Hell no. I shoved the whole iceberg in front of the boat. Really? Good for you. I mean, they were all rich assholes, right? Other than the people down below decks. Gotta feel sorry for them. I don't differentiate. One was a nouveau riche asshole, right? Other than the people down below decks. Gotta feel sorry for them. I don't differentiate.

One was a nouveau riche asshole, Molly Brown. The Unsinkable, of course. Yeah. I liked her though. Out of everyone in the movie, she's the one I didn't relate to. She was brassy. Did you see her on the way down when she drowned to death? Yes. I said- Or did no-

She famously didn't drown to death. That's right. Then nevermind, must've seen someone else. Did you hear about the unsinkable Molly Brown? She drowned to death. I mean, eventually she died. Yeah, but not. And we haven't talked about how. Like, what, did she have a heart attack or something? Do we know she did? Okay, man. I don't know what this is. I could be right, is what I'm saying. You better look it up. How did? Don't look it up in YouTube. I don't want what this is. I could be right. Is what I'm saying. You better look it up. How did... Don't look it up in YouTube. I don't want to hear an ad.

She died, let's see, would that be in personal life? Later life and death. She... Brain tumor, she brain tumor. Well, glad we got that on the record. But guess what? At the, uh, ceremony there was singing, but no eulogy. Okay. Not sure why that was important to put in there.

Is there anything under controversy? Nope. She was never canceled. It looks like legacy. She's got plenty. Well, look, guys, we need to get to our next guest and it's wet day, so we wanted to have someone on to really talk about those liquid substances,

especially the liquid that the combs go into. Oh man, I forgot about that. Yeah, the blue liquid, so many liquids to talk to him about. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Bernie Kutch. That's me. That's me. Hi. That's my name. Don't wear it out.

It's really nice to be here. Happy wet day. Happy wet day to you. Happy wet day. Happy wet day to you. Many Urkels to you, of course. Many Urkels. Many Urkels. I will miss Belushi. I was a Belushi guy.

Were you really? I was a. I was a Belushi guy. Were you really? I was a little bit of a Belushi guy. I gotta admit, I kinda was too, but he ain't out there reppin' wet day. Well, you know, there's always, maybe he'll, well, we'll miss him. Yeah, we will.

What a cool guy. Wonderful to have you. Oh, by the way, this is Ursula. Ursula, nice to meet you. Hello. You're a sea witch. I mean, we've never. Yes, it's not a bad word, Scott. I mean, it sounds meet you. Hello. You're a sea witch. I mean, we've never... Yes, it's not a bad word, Scott.

I mean, sea witch. It's a profession. It sounds a lot like the C word, you know what I mean? Oh, cunt. A cunt. Oh my. I don't know if sea witch and cunt sound anything alike. I mean, well, anyway.

But yes, she's a sea witch. She can... Do you think that show, The Seaward, a lot of people wouldn't watch it because they thought that's what the word was? What's the sea word? Was it that? It was about cancer. The show is cancer.

Oh, I thought it was the L word. But don't you think that's what they were going for? Well, I think they were trying to have fun with our expectations. But I think that a lot of people were like, well, I'm not going to watch that show. Yeah, if they just say that over and over, like you guys are right now. Sounds unpleasant. Yeah. Hey, it's great to meet you.

It's very nice to meet you. I am a barber. I am the owner of Bernie's Barber Shop. Oh, congratulations. Out of Scottsdale. Have you always owned it or did you buy it out from someone? No, I started it by myself, 1968. 68?

68. So you've been in the profession so long, over 55 years. 55 years, and it is an old school, kind of traditional barbershop. You know, it's part of the reason I'm here is, it's not what people are looking for. They want something fancy and I don't, that's not really my game, Scott. And want something fancy and I don't, that's not, that's not really my game.

Scott, and that, you know, I'm trying to get people back into the, the mode of just coming traditionally, having the services of a traditional barbershop and putting aside this super cuts or super clips. Super cuts is too modern for you. Too modern. I mean, you go in there, you're not even getting it. You know, there's a difference between a barber and a hair stylist or stylist or, or some of these things. Sure. Well, but elucidate for me, what exactly would you consider the-

Well, you have to go to a completely different school. That's like a wet word. It does. Yeah. Yeah. It definitely has a liquid you in there. Yeah. So that's all right by me.

Elucidate. Cunt. Okay. No. Anyway, I guess- You say that word a lot when people walk into your store, because I think that would be all that we're known as the cuntiest barbershop. Yeah. Sign me up.

You're signed. Can I ask, um, so the shop started in 1968, but 68 were, were you the proprietor or was that like your dad or something? It was a family, family business. Okay. Cause you don't seem that, that elderly, frankly. I was, I was born in 19, I'm 55. Okay.

I was born in 1968 in the barbershop. In the barbershop you started? I was born in the, well, I started it as Bernie's. The day I was born, my, born, my father gave it to me, and my two uncles- So when I asked you whether you had inherited it or bought it out, you said you started it. I don't remember you asking me that, Scott.

All right. I don't remember you asking me that. But to be clear, you were born in the barbershop that your father- That's right. Owned, and he gave it to you. Well, he leased it, and that's why I was the first one to own it. The story gets worse and worse.

Imagine slipping out all nice and wet and landing in dry cuttings. Good grief, what a way to start. Especially on wet day. Were you born on wet day? It's like being tarred and feathered. Born on wet, I mean, April 8th. Oh, that's not, that's not wet day. That's two days shy of wet day, unfortunately.

Well, that's nice. So you want to be really, really dry then. What day is dry day? I mean, dry day, honestly, it's almost every day. Every other day, unfortunately. Oh, well, that's nice. So you want to be really, really dry then. What day is dry day? I mean, dry day, honestly, it's almost every day. Every other day? Yeah. Yeah. That's like when you ask your parents, when is

kids day? And they're like, every day is kids day. Can I ask you something? Yeah. When you go, when you have your hair done, when you, you want it either cut or trimmed, what is the experience that you are looking for? Well, you know, just me personally, I like, uh, no talking.

Uh, I've had, uh, I, I, I had some, uh, recently where I went into one place and had someone who really wanted to chat and, uh, and it took two hours and a person with hair like mine, it should be a 20 minute thing, I think. I agree. Well, it depends what services you're looking for. Oh, okay. We offer different services. What services do you have?

We can do any of it. We'll do cuts or trims. We do blowouts, shaves, grease outs, powders, massages, lubes and creamies, touchers, bleachers, nail clips. We do vein reduction with push. I don't want to be less vein. I'm not getting that. No, you wouldn't want that.

This is a traditional barbershop. This is traditional. Vein reduction. Vein reduction with wet pushes, scalp smokings, corner scrapes, under muds, vibration, cold stretches, two or four minutes. Oh. You can choose. We have mustache tails.

That's where you just sit there cold for a stretch? Cold, we chill you and stretch you. Oh, I see. Mustache tails, neck bunching, forehead milking. And we also have complimentary dig quill and a toy closet. Wow. We have a toy closet. That's a lot.

I mean, is it filled with toys? While you're waiting. Yeah, for while you're waiting. Little, fun little toys and knickknacks. I have a toy closet like that as well. Oh, I know what you mean by that. I know you do. Filled with the souls of mermaids. You know, for just one of your voices, I could make you into a merman.

Just putting it out on the table. How many voices do you have? I have one voice. Oh, okay. He only has the one. I just have one voice. That's the point, yes. No, I would not have to do that.

I would just have to do that. I would just have to do that. I would just have to do that. I would just have to do that. I would just have to do that. I would just have to do that. I would just have to do that. I would just have to do that the table. How many voices do you have? I have one voice. Oh, okay. He only has the one. Yes, that's the point. Yes.

Yeah. No, I would not be able to do what I love and that's take care of people's, you know, hair underwater. Are you kidding? Mermaids have so much hair. So much hair. How do you cut that underwater? That seems like it might be.

Where we don't have any barbers. I would think the scissors would rust and be, you know, unusable after a little while if it was down under the sea. Also, people don't know what to call scissors down there. That's true, yeah. What are those? Scissors. What you have to do is really is swim swiftly in front of a shark so that your hair gets in their mouth, but not your head. We lose a lot of mermaids this way. Yeah, well, you can't swim faster than a shark, so yeah.

It's very hard. I bet it's funny to see the shark going like, puh, puh. It's so funny. That sounded sarcastic. It's just my voice. Let's not fight again. I'm not interested.

And it's nothing to do with you or how much. I wish I had the courage to say that more often on this show. I think it comes through. You should. I think it comes through. It's the one thing you should be able to do all the time. I'm not interested. I'm not encouraged to say that more often on this show. I think it comes through. You should. I think it comes through. It's the one thing you should be able to do all the time. I'm not interested.

I'm not interested. This is what, when you come into Bernie's, it's a different experience. And I'm confused as to why people are choosing a sports clips. Well, sports clips is the best. Fantastic Sam. A fantastic- I hate when I'm getting my hair cut and there's no sports around me.

No, we have. Taking that half hour without sports. Yeah. That is just. Sports Clips guarantees there's gonna be TV there with sports on it. Do you have a lot of TVs in the submersible? There's not a ton of surface room, but four. Four and they're playing different channels.

Yeah. Different sports things. With the volume on. Yeah. Different sports. With the volume on. Yeah. All of them. All of them. This is the life down there. I can watch a darts tournament over here.

I can watch a spelling bee. You consider that to be sports. It's on ESPN. Oh, okay. If it's a competition, it's a sport. That's right. Right. The bachelor ought to be on there.

Yeah, really. I understand you have your- Deal or no deal island. Your loyalty to sports clips, but I'd like to invite you into Bernie's sometime in the- Let me ask you this. You say you're an old fashioned barber shop. Do you have sunbleached playboys on a little table?

Uh, yep. We have a couple in the back room buried in a little plant. To simulate the experience of finding porn in the woods. That's right. The experience of what? Finding porn in the woods. That's right. The experience of what? Finding porn in the woods. Oh. We send people in the back and say, dig away.

I tell you what, I am going to check out this barbershop before I have to go back under the water. You should, you should come on in. A lot of people think Bernie's is just for males and it's for anybody with hair. We're happy to, when you walk in, this is how it goes. You're immediately gonna see me go, hey. Oh no.

Hey, hi, welcome to Bernie's. That's friendly. A lot of places you go in, and there's some snotty little teenager at the front desk is like, do you have an appointment? We are walk-ins only. Walk-ins only, really? Only.

So I would imagine if I wanted to make an appointment in order to cut down the time I have to spend there, not able to. No, no phone. No phone? We have no phone. Wait, what if, I'm sorry, what if someone has a heart attack?

Well, I mean, you're kinda on your own. Why would you wanna make a phone call in the middle of a heart attack? Really? Good point, Urs. Thank you, Ursula. What were you gonna ask, Brock? I was gonna say, do you do that thing Urs. What? What were you going to ask, Brock? I was going to say, do you do that thing, do you have that thing, the massager, the

old metal massager, the vibrates and you, like after the haircut, you like rub the guy's shoulders. I always wondered about those. If you're the barber I went to one time, you go down on the chest. Weird. Where it's very intimate. Oh, for sure. And you're sort of thinking to yourself, am I being violated right now?

Absolutely. Is he going to go lower? How far down is this guy going to go? I have full on been accused of that myself. I get accused pretty constantly of doing what we know in the barber, the barber industry as cut humping or it's like a dry hump to the side of the body. And it's not controllable because I'm cutting hair. I can't control how close my body is to the person that I'm cutting. You're rubbing up against someone.

And I will, and yeah, I can't control if it is arousing to them or mostly me. And then by the end of the cut, they're- Three of my arms are around you and I didn't even notice I had done it. Oh my goodness. All that talk of dry humping. Yeah, take these away. I don't get to dry hump in the water. By the way, we don't like to hear about-

Never experience. We don't like to hear about dry humping on wet day. Okay? Just wet humping. I don't know. What is it can be? Sort of bad, I sort of do like it. Most humping is wet.

Well, dry humping is just an investment in a wet hump. Yeah. It's just, you keep your wetness to yourselves. It's a down payment on a wet hump. It's a wish your hump made. It's too wet, make it dry. It's putting it on layaway.

Yeah. It's putting your hump on layaway. And that's it. All right, I'll allow it then. Watch yourself, counselor. Thank you, thank you. So, I mean, we do have that utensil. We have every utensil you can think of.

Utensil. We have to clean it and the barbicide is what you guys. Barbicide, that's what we were trying to think of. Referencing earlier. It sounds like homicide. Hair murder. Patricide. It sounds like you'd kill a barber with it, quite honestly. Like Sweeney Todd, the dude on the case of Barbicide. Well, it is like homicide. Hair murder. Patricide. It sounds like you'd kill a barber with it, quite honestly.

Like Sweeney Todd, the dude that cares about the side. Well, it is like that. It kills all the germs and all the utensils. That's why they call it that. Why is it called germicide? Yeah, because it's doing the work, not the barber. Because it's specific for barbers. Do you know why it's blue?

Why? No. I don't know. I was asking you. Maybe so you don't drink it by accident. That's true. But it makes it look like so appetizing. Yeah, like Gatorade. Makes me want to drink it.

Well, it's flavored too. It is. It is flavored? It's blueberry. They shouldn't flavor it. They, you can get in any flavor you want. And it comes with a straw. It comes with a straw. So are you supposed to drink it?

That you're supposed to throw away. Yes. Are you supposed to drink it or not? And it comes with drinking instructions, which- That you're supposed to throw away. Yes. Are you supposed to drink it or not? And it comes with drinking instructions, which- That you're supposed to burn. Very small at the bottom, it says don't. But then it's a very long, it says put us four ounces in a muck.

Step two, bring it up to your mouth. I'm doing this off memory, so I can't- No, I know, and there are 20 steps from what I remember. Yeah, there are. Put a up to your mouth. I'm doing this off memory, so I can't. No, I know, and there are 20 steps from what I remember. Yeah, there are. Put, raise to your mouth. One. Step, oh, that was- What step? That was three.

That was three, sorry. Three, okay. We're on three. Hey, step four. Three. Use your tongue to moisten the top of the cup. Oh dear, my legs are around you again. Oh no. I don't know that we have time for the next 15 steps.

You want me to cut to the last one? Yeah, the Radiohead special, 15 steps. 20, drink it. Drink it. But then very small at the bottom, don't. Got it. Don't. It doesn't, it's not a great product.

How often do you drink this? All the time, I forget, but don't. Yeah. And I drink it pretty, pretty constantly. Yeah. Do you have some sort of intestinal issues or? I have three colostomy bags. Wow. Yeah.

That you use simultaneously or are these? Well, I don't like to change it. So I just, I got three. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. Well, so. You do? You get that.

Most people are, they don't. On my ship, I have four beds. I have five right now just for seepage. So- You do? Yeah. You get that. Yeah. Most people don't. On my ship, I have four beds. I have five right now just for seepage. Beds? Beds. It cost me that. Oh, beds.

I wish I had beds. Nothing soaks up seepage like a bed. That's true. Well, what can we do to get people into your store? What can we do? Well, I'm store? I mean, what can we do? Well, I'm offering a coupon, a coupon. A coupon? A coupon, which is like a coupon.

Coofoofoo? Who can say what it means? It's like a coupon. Okay, what do you offer? A two for one, but you have to have them done at the same time. And two what? Two heads?

Two, uh- Impossible. No, two haircuts? Two heads. Two. Impossible. No, two haircuts. Two professional barber style haircuts. Are these two half haircuts? No, it's a full haircut. Okay.

It's a full haircut. That you share with someone else. No other people can be involved. It's one per person. It's one coupon per person. So you gotta get one haircut and then immediately get the second one? They can only be used in a row and immediately. Okay.

So you get your hair down to where you want it and then you get another haircut, which is less than where you want it. Can you game the system? Can you say, I just want to trim? That's what I tell most people to do. Just barely touch it. Say half of what you want or three quarters of what you want, and then say for your second haircut,

you say, I'll have just a little, I'll have a little trim this time. Now can you take a selfie of the first cut before you move on to the second? Because really that's all I needed, the online ah, ah at this. She's drying out on wet day? So much seepage. Wait, here, here. How do we wet her?

What are you looking for? Who said that? Siri, enough, it's wet day. We can't talk to you. This is a dingless podcast. What? It's not an interesting question. For wet day, Siri should change her name to Soggy.

Soggy, yes. Hey, Soggy. I can't believe a human robot tried to help me. I'm so flattered. My computer, by the way, squirted out water onto you. I didn't know it had the capability to do that. That's what you get when you're next to a witch. A sea witch. Thank you. Yeah. You're not one of those witches who's flying around on a broom. No, I'm not a Halloween witch. Their hair is terrible.

I hate land witches. I hate them. You can't. Okay, all right, Bernie. Yeah. So obviously you have this special going on. How long is this? Is it just this month or?

It's just on, it's on Tuesdays, Tuesday mornings. Tuesday mornings. Tuesday mornings. Tuesday mornings. 6 a.m. 6 a.m.? 6 a.m. Right on the dot. On the dot.

You have to be there on the dot. Can you come early? No. What time do you open? 8. But you sign up at 6 a.m. Okay. This is like an open mic?

It is an open mic. You have to do comedy while you're here. You have to do comedy? Well, to get the, you have to do a.m. And then- Is this like an open mic? It is an open mic. You have to do comedy while you- You have to do comedy? Well, to get the, you have to do a tight five. Wouldn't it be the first person who signs up, that would be it? Yeah. And they have to do a tight five?

How long does the haircut stay? I could do that, as you well know. That we well know. You did comedy last time you were here. Oh, last time? So you don't want to hear any now? Oh, sure. What do you got?

Listen, when humans say there's sand in my taco, they mean they're at the beach and some sand got in their lunch. Down here, there's sand in my tacos, painful and constant. Just as good as last time. Yeah, I would say so. Do you have another one? Well, on land, I started a wave and a few people stood up at a baseball game down here. I started a wave and wiped out the

population of a coastal city. Ooh, boy. Those are two different experiences. Better. Oh, is better down there? That's where it's wetter down there. Well, except my joke was better and wetter. Oh, got it, got it.

Jokes go better down where it's wetter. Yeah. Just wait and see. Yeah, you really, really, these kill underwater. Of course. I would imagine, yeah. Literally. They can relate to them more than we can, I would imagine.

I don't think I've ever started a wave at a baseball game or under the sea. Oh, try it, Scott. They're both fun. Do you think one guy could start a wave? Absolutely. Didn't you see when Harry met Sally? I guess, but it feels to me like it's a group of 30. One guy always has to.

I've still got it. One starts. No, I think they have an agreement. It's like 30 people all agree sitting in the same section. You think 30 people talk together and start it? No. And they all go, hey, we're all all agree to the same sitting in the same section. You think 30 people talk together and start it? No.

And they all go, Hey, we're all going to do the wave, right? Just watch. Do you think there's an email train? Oh, Ursula stood up and all of her eight legs. See? This is unfair. You have eight legs doing this. That's right.

Eight of me started it, but then, you know, you saw Brock stood right up. Yeah. Couldn't help himself. I forgot that the wave was immortalized on film and when Harry met Sally. I know. It was new then. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

It needed to be in the movie. So Bernie, you got that thing going for you, anything else? No, listen, I would love to have you all in. And I know it's a hike. I know it's a hike. Why, you haven't even said where it is. Yeah, he did, it's in Arizona. Oh, it's in Arizona. Why, what, you haven't even said where it is. Yeah, he did. It's in Arizona. Oh, it's in Arizona.

Landlot. Scottsdale. Landlot. Landlot. Scottsdale. What I mean is you didn't give the exact address. Oh, it's the- Yeah, that's what he meant.

Oh, I misunderstood. No, no, no, he's smart. It's one- You can't say I'm dumb. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Or are no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, The old, the cord pull. Give me your best cord pull. Just ripping the cord saying like, hey, here I am.

Give your best time to punch in. Well, you know, I was born in the seventies. You mind if I cut your hair while you do that? Oh, geez. That's what I'm here for. Excuse me. Okay, now you're, this is wet day and you are dry humping me right now.

Sorry. Give me just a couple of minutes. So the audition for the haircut happens during the haircut. I honestly, at the end of this audition, I'm just going to have a haircut and I'm probably won't need to come back. You'll see the haircut. You'll need to come back. Okay.

I, I'm not that stupid. So there's like a planned obsolescence in your haircut. Can you move your elbow? I'm sorry. Yeah. Just lift it up. Am I still supposed to be doing the jokes or?

Yeah. Get that joke going. Okay. So I was born in the 1970s, but. That's it. My, what's it? No, I'm just talking to myself. During my set? No, no, no, no, no. You go, you keep going.

You're going to wind up on a YouTube video. Tick tock. Yeah. Me smashing a guitar over your head or something. Jesus, I wasn't going that far. There was that famous media. Yeah, I know. But God damn.

You can, if it's easier, you can do crowd work with me. Barbershop customer destroys barber. Oh, do a crowd work. Yeah, can I just do a crowd work? Okay. Hey, where are you from? Scottsdale crowd work with you? Do a crowd work with me. Okay. Hey, where are you from? Scottsdale.

What do you do for a living? Excuse me. And. Ow. Sorry. I'm a barber. You nicked my ear. I'm actually a barber.

You're a barber? Oh, wow. Sorry. What's the most interesting customer you've ever cut their hair? I actually cut Nicholas Cage, but not the one you're thinking of. Which I'm thinking of the movie star. Oh, that is him. Oh, okay.

That is the one. Yeah, he came in. He came in and you cut his hair, really? Yeah, he was on his way to, he was auditioning for Superman. Right. And he said- This was a while ago. Yeah, he famously, this is in the 90s.

This was a while ago. And he was on his way to audition for it by way of Scottsdale, Arizona. So he was coming from New York, probably. He was putting himself on tape. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Yeah. Scottsdale has wonderful places to put yourself on tape. Is that true?

Oh, yes. Why do you know that? Oh, I watch a lot of behind the scenes. Oh, DVD extras. Absolutely. Yeah, those are fun. I have a, I have a joke, a starter joke. Oh yeah, let's hear some of your material.

Pull the cord. All right, here, let's try this. I know I'm a sea witch. Do you mind if I cut your hair while you do this? Oh dear, the timing really is difficult. Yeah, it's difficult. Yes, please cut. I know I'm a sea witch, but being in Arizona

makes me feel more like a sandwich. That a girl. That's difficult. Yeah, it's difficult. Yes, please cut. I know I'm a sea witch, but being in Arizona makes me feel more like a sandwich. Add a girl. That's it. Oh, add a girl. Oh, daddy. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Was that a compliment to the joke or is that, I don't understand. Why are you saying add a girl?

Imagine if audiences did that instead of clapping. Instead of laughing. Good for you. And you just add a girl. Add a girl. Oh, okay. What if they laughed at male comedians and said add a girl to female comedians?

Not surprising. Or if they didn't like the joke, if they said, I'm disappointed in you. You gotta smile more. Smile more when you tell that joke. Well, look, Bernie, I... You're gonna agree to... I am not going to. Well, look, Bernie, I- You're gonna agree to-

I am not going to- Well, your hair is half cut right now. Yeah, can you do the other half? Not until you come in. I'll see you at 6 a.m. on Tuesday. But you have the coupon. Okay, yeah, so I have to have this hair for a full- I mean, today's Monday. Do you mean tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow morning.

Oh, okay. You can drive back with mean, it's Monday, today's Monday. Do you mean tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow morning. Oh, okay. You can drive back with me. Scarlett, I think it looks grand. Oh, really? I mean, it looks kinda like your hair. I'd like to take a handful of that, shove you in between my eight legs, and see what you find.

Brock, she's cucking you. I'm into it. What? Brock, you're a cuck? Yes, we've talked about it. It's fine. Oh, well, hey, you've never talked about this on any episode. Don't cuck shame me. Well, Bernie, I don't know.

This isn't going to work out. Who knows? But, that's a great point. Who knows? Give it a chance. That's true. Who knows? Who knows?

I don't know. But we are, I'll tell you what, we are running out of time, but we only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called Plugs. Wet day is coming! The horse are getting fat! Pour a glass of water on a motherfuckers hat! If you have no water, a Roman Coke will do. But if you have no liquor, many hamburgers to you.

It's wet day at the churches. It's wet day at the mall. With wet day feasts of soup, because it's the wettest food of all. It's wet day at the hardware store And wet day at the zoo But my favorite place for wet day Is where I'm wet with you

It's wet day in Moldova It's wet day in Peru And don't forget Haley Joel Osment A wet birthday to you So leave the sinks all running Dip your sandwich in au jus Cause my favorite place for wet day Is where I'm went with you.

Where I've went with you. Wow. That was terrific. That was great. Is that the old Eaters? Yeah, it kind of sounds like them. The old Eaters. That was, it's, it's Wet Day,

a Wet Day Carol by Dan Luizel. Thank you so much to Dan. Boy, that, that sounded like, that should be in Greece or something. That's just truly one place one of the terrible songs in Greece with that It was really good. It really was. Oh, hey Paul. Yeah, I heard that song and I ran over that was that was terrific Yeah, have you met Brock who Brock love it? Yeah, you've never been on the famous treasure hunter. Yeah. Yeah, he's right here Wait, you know who I am. Of course I do, you're famous. Not because of, because of Titanic, yes. All right, man.

Did I say something wrong? I think, yeah, he doesn't like. No, it's fine. Sorry. I'm really, I apologize. That's okay. I don't think it's okay. No, he has a thing about it.

It's not your, I should have warned you. Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here. Uh, I'm very, I'm very sorry. Yeah. Uh, he's here. I mean, Brock, you're standing right here. Is this how you want me to talk? I'm leaving.

No, stay here. I'm going to send in a friend of mine. Who? He's a tugboat captain. His name is Ron Blackthorn. Ron Blackthorn? Ron, get in here. Oh, hello, you son of a whore.

How dare you? Ron Blackthorn. I serve at his majesty's tongue-boatery. I, it's great to meet you, Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang Bang. I wish I could say it was great to meet you, but I would rather strangle you to death. Please, if it's a binary choice,

just I would prefer to meet you to death. Please, if it's a binary choice, just I would prefer to meet you. Goodbye! Oh, okay. Glad he didn't strangle me to death. That guy left. Yeah, that guy left. He left with Brock? Yeah. We're not going to get closure on Ursula. Oh, no.

How are you getting home? I don't know. I guess magic. I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. Oh, all right. Oh, okay. I hope we're talking about something other than getting home. Is that a sea witch?

Yeah, it's Ursula, the sea witch. Paul, hello. Big fat. Oh, thank you. How do you get Paul's stuff down there under the seat? Oh, it's when I come up to land. Oh, okay. Yeah, one of those days you're at the baseball game.

I binged pushing daisies. Loved you on that. Oh, wow. You binged my one episode of Pushing Daisy. Over and over, I never saw another episode. I really appreciate that. Most people know me from podcasts. Oh, no, I hate podcasts.

No, really? It's TV without the looks. But I mean, you can just take them on the go with you. Underwater? Yeah. No. They sure are. Get one of those speakers. If there's a Rodcast, you can get podcasts under the sea.

Wait, wait, now I think I know what you're talking about. I have little sardines that whisper stories in my ear. This is what I'm talking about. That's what I have. Yes. Yes. We call them sardine casts. Yes, this is, yeah, we're talking about the same thing.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Idiot, idiot Ursula. They were also about the same thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. Idiot Ursula. They were also invented by Adam Curry. Yeah, that's right. Hey, we have a big announcement for plugs today. This is huge. Really? What is it?

Paul, you're part of this. Fuck! Yeah, that's right. Hey, I am here. Hi! I am here to announce the Comedy Bang Bang Tour 2024 to announce the Comedy Bang Bang Tour 2024 is starting. Dates are available. I thought you were going to say starting now and we had to scramble. Like the Amazing Race?

Yeah. Can I get a seat near the front of the plane, please? No, we're announcing the dates today. the 2024 Bang Bang Into Your Mouth Tour. Ew. No. Sorry. Is that true? Yeah. Boy, oh boy. You don't think to tell me beforehand? We can't talk about it? I have one conversation about this. It's only the branding on the ticket.

I like it. You like it? Well, you would. You're a little, you know, yeah, you're like yourself. Boy, I was just, yeah, I'm sorry. Really mean. Oh, did I, I thought we were insulting each other. No, I'm not stepping over these terms.

Paul, Paul, no, I'm so sorry. Well, you thought we were like at the table at the cellar. Look, let me treat you to two haircuts. I have a coupon. A coupon. Look at this kufufu. Well, here's what's happening. We are gonna be out there for quite a while.

We're doing 30 dates at least. Wow. We are starting June 13th in Boston, Massachusetts. Can you imagine going to a place like that? Car, yard. Yes, Harvard. Can you imagine going to a place like that? Car, yard. Yes, Harvard. All of these things. We're starting in Boston, then we go to Brooklyn,

Philly, DC, Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, going to all these places. Well, that's interesting, Scott. Oh, really? Because the Varietopia tour is also happening. What? Yes. I'm going to be in... Uh, Varietopia will be in... Brooklyn, Waldeboro, Maine, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Boston, Massachusetts, Alexandria, Virginia,

Philadelphia, Cleveland, St. Paul, Minnesota, Chicago, San Francisco, and Charleston. Wow! South Carolina. South Carolina. Those are great places to go! Yes. Now, some of those places, I'm going to be going to twice, be going to twice because of the two tours. Why not?

But not at the same time. Not at the same time, no. We won't be doing the show simultaneously. No. Nor concurrently. These two tours, they're gonna be sort of intersecting a little bit. Chris Cross, as our friend Alfred Hitchcock likes to say.

That's right. And our friends Chris Cross, they used to talk about themselves in the third person a lot. He's gonna make a way, I'm doing a good job. Yeah. But these are happening. The CBB tour starts in June, goes through the end of August or so. And when is the Vriatopia tour? It starts this month. It's already started. Already started? Yes. We just got back from Seattle. Wow. It was terrific. The Space Needle. Did you run into that?

Frazier was there. What? Yes. No. We sang that on the plane? Frazier was there. What? Yes. No. We sang Toss Allen scrambled eggs together. Really? Yes. That's incredible. People hated it.

I thought he moved back to Boston with his son. He did, but when he heard this show was happening, he was like, well, I have to go sing. Of course I have to go back to that. Um, well, these are, are two great tours and we hope you catch both of them. Uh, if you want information regarding the comedy bang bang tour, you can go to Well, these are two great tours and we hope you catch both of them. If you want information regarding the Comedy Bang Bang Tour, you can go to cbbworld.com slash tour and all the dates will be there. And I think the tickets might go on sale very soon, maybe even as soon as Friday. They have to go on sale very soon.

Yeah, I'm not quite sure. They may go on sale next week. They may go on sale Friday. Just keep checking cbbworld.com slash tour. And Paul, you're gonna be on every day of the tour. Every day, not the nights though. So when the show happens, you won't see me. You go to sleep at about 5 p.m. Oh man, I get exhausted just from doing all the stuff that I do during the day.

Traveling around with us too. Traveling around. So yeah, I will be on the tour for the daytime parts, which unfortunately do not include live performance. That's too bad, but I'll see you there. Sure. So go to cbbworld.com slash tour and you can get all the information about that. And we're going to cities that we have never been to. We're going to some cities we scheduled during COVID that we never got to. I'm trying to make up all those dates. So this is the most extensive, extensive tour that we've ever done.

And I'm very excited about it. I am too. You can also go to paulfthomkins.com slash live for the Varietopia dates and the Comedy Bang Bang dates. Hell yeah. Plan your life around me. Yeah, please.

Has there been anyone to go to see us in multiple cities? There was that one guy two years ago who came to see us in multiple cities and came to the meet and greets. I think like eight shows. Yeah, that was great. We'd love to see you out there. I can't remember your name, but we-

I can either, I wish I could remember. I wish I could remember, but we hope to see all of you out there. We're gonna have a lot of fun on this one. It's gonna be Paul and I and the bang bang all stars. We're gonna have a great time. So, fantastic. If I were you, I'd do it.

I would do it. I'd do the opposite of what George H.W. Bush did, which is not gonna do it. I would go out and do it. I would go down. I go down. Ursula, do you have anything you wanna plug? Well, you can watch my Twitter.

Watch it? I'll be touring from the chair in my apartment, staring pensively from the window, perhaps leaning against the kitchen counter. What is this x.com address? At Girl With a Tail, conveniently. You can also listen to College Town on Comedy Bang Bang World.

That's right, when you're over there looking at the tour dates, why don't you sign up and you can get great shows like The Neighborhood Listen and College Town and Hey Randy and Scott Hasn't Seen. So many. This could change my life and Who Me with the Batman and so many great shows over there.

Bernie Kutch. Hey. It's me, the Kutch man. I felt like I was walking into your store there. Hi. I'm doing a bunch of shows over at the Groundlink, so please come on over there. You are, Bertie? I am. I am doing them. So you're a barber and a Groundlink?

I am not a Groundlink, but I sneak in. I trade them coupons and they throw me up on that stage, give me a couple of wigs and I go nutty. What nights can people see? Uh, Thursday, Friday, Saturday is kind of rotating. So check it out on the website. They'll always let you know who the cast is. They'll always let you know.

They'll always. They're so nice. They never hide it from you. Union rules. They're legally obligated by the president himself. That's true. That's true. Follow me.

Everybody. Gotta make sure to tell who the groundlings are. You can tell people who the groundlings are. That's actually. And follow me. Everybody. Gotta make sure to tell who the groundlings are. You can tell people who the groundlings are. That's actually pretty good. That's pretty good. You can incorporate that into your act. Just steal his impression. Please, please, please follow me on Instagram at Rygall.

What does that have to do with you, Bernie? R-Y-G-A-U-L. Again, it's a client of mine. Is that the best way to contact this client? Yeah, since I don't have a phone number, I purposely didn't have a phone number at Bernie's Barbershop. If you're a barber, I think instead of clients,

you should go real old school and call them patients. Yeah, and put leeches on them. Yeah, technically they are, aren't they? Drain their bodily humors. Yeah, especially on wet days. They're foul humors. They're my patients. They are my patients.

Yes, they're all my patients. Well, that's gonna do it for Plugs. Let's close up the old Plug Bag. Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?

What is it? What is it? Open up the dark bag So, Dirty Pops Dirty Pops Oh, open up the plug bag. So dirty pop, dirty pop, open up your dirty pop. And that's how you open the freaking plug bag. Enjoy and tell me your plugs.

What is it? All right, there's the aforementioned what is it? Don't understand. Yeah, that was the name of this plug, it's Talking Heads by Jell-O-Pez. Thanks Jell Pez. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs

and upload it there and you can be heard on the show. And guys, I wanna thank you so much. Paul, what can be said, but many Urkels to you. Happy- Many Urkels to you. The happiest of wet day. I wish you the same and I'll see you in December. Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you then and not until then.

Nope. I mean, we'll be on the tour, but during the day. But I'm- I'm not gonna look at you. I'm sleeping also when we're traveling. That's right. And Ursula, I'm so sorry that we couldn't get a match together with you and Brock, but- Well, it looks like I've got new prospects.

Oh, okay. Bernie, Hutch, we're not gonna pay for a- A first date. A first date, we always pay for the second, but we need you to go on the first date. But you're driving her home, is that what's happening? I'm gonna drive her home. In my car.

Yes, I think your car goes under the ocean. Car's very wet. How wet, like what are we talking? On a scale of what? On a scale of like the Sahara to, you know, the Atlantic. It's probably Philly. Philadelphia is not bad. Philadelphia is pretty humid.

It's very humid. Is it filled with Barbicide? That's what it is actually, you know how the Wienermobile looks? Yeah. The hot dog, yeah. It's a jar of Barbicide. Mine is just a giant bar.

Like laid on its side. Yeah, and it has two bikes. It has combs in it, on its side. Yeah. That's cool. It has two bikes. It has combs in it? Like giant floating combs? What do you mean it has two bikes? Yeah. What do you mean by that? That's how it moves.

Also, it's not really a car. It's just a giant jar of Barbicide on top of two bikes. It sounds like a very heavy bicycle. Will I be peddling inside this hot dog car? Yes, you'll be peddling. Oh, is it like those, those, those barb bike things? Yeah. It's like a barcicle.

Yeah. A barcicle. You know, Ursula has. Barbicide like a barcicle? Yeah, a barcicle. You know, Ursula has- This is a barb- Barb-a-side-cicle. Barb-a-side-cicle. Ursula has eight legs, so she's a wonderful addition to- Yes, I won't get tired.

Yeah. This is fantastic. Just keep switching off. The more legs you have, the less tired you get. That's what I always say. God, add one more leg. I hate getting tired. God, add one more leg!

Before next wet day, please! Are you there, God? It's me! A guy who wants a third leg! It's me! Two-legged Margaret! Alright, we'll see you next wet day next year! Bye! Cunt.