Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, James Mannion

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

Sugar Hill Gang founder Cal Solomon returns to talk to Scott about his encounter with a genie and his time in the CIA. Then, concerned citizen Peanut Parton stops by to reveal the truth behind Dolly Parton. Plus, TV personality Alan Stubbs of Antiques Roadshow drops by to showcase his professional appraising skills.

Panic at the Disco, uh, no thank you, I'll panic at home for free by looking at the news, welcome to comedy bang bang. What's that? That is, oh hello, hello sir, please step into the light, tell me who you are. Oh sorry, should I not talk this soon? You can talk anytime you like. I've never been on the show this soon before. Yeah, hello, who, uh, please sir, come out of the shadows.

Well you know who I am, not from your voice. Oh you're playing, I get it, I'm sorry, I'll play along. I did, there's nothing you play along with, I have no idea who I am. Here I am, I'm a mysterious stranger. You are mysterious, you are a stranger, you're in the shadows. I'm coming up now out of the shadows and into the light. Hi Scott, it's me, Cal Solomon. Oh, Cal Solomon, our old friend, hi Cal.

It's good to see you. It's good to see you. Were you booked on the show today? No. Oh okay, well do you want to be on the show today? I was in the neighborhood and they said, hey, can you be on the show, celebrities don't do it anymore. That's true.

And I said, well, do I count? I am a founding member of the Sugar Hill gang, then I told the whole story. Oh okay, oh I'd love to hear some of that story again. No, come on, really? No. You know it by now? I do. The business is out of the way, Cal, before we talk to you though, if that's all right.

Oh, so sorry, should I go wait in the lobby? No, please, that's where the after party is. Let's, first of all, I want to say thank you to Call Waiting for Godot for that wonderful catchphrase submission. What that was was a catchphrase submission, see, for maybe a year of the show in its early days I used to say my catchphrase, What's Up Hot Dog, which was the genesis of which has something to do with being in a 7-Eleven and about to be going on to Jimmy Pardo's podcast, Never Not Funny.

I told whatever story it was, I don't remember. I didn't catch a lot of that, but a catchphrase is like that. But you know Jimmy Pardo. No, that was part of the thing I didn't catch. Catchphrase is like Dino Might or Saka Toomey. Yeah, did you have a catchphrase, Cal? Did I? Like, what's something I said a lot?

Well, my name is Cal Solomon, I'm here to say. You know what? I've never worked that into a rap, and maybe I should, maybe there would be a good starting point for that. Yeah, it should be because it's so easy to rhyme with a word say. There's, oh, I'm coming up short, too. Me, too. Complete blank.

I'm going through every letter, all I can think of is G. Puree. Puree, thank you. Perfect. Okay, great. I usually saw my raps with, have you ever gone over to a friend's house to eat? Oh, that's right. Maybe that's your catchphrase.

I feel like that's somebody else's. That's taken by the rest of the Sugar Hill gang. Kind of like Big Bank Hank. Yeah, exactly. One to Mike. Sure, one to Mike. Was that a one with a dirt, like the, oh, Niders or was it? No, it was Wanda, like looking around with Wanda.

Okay, so it wasn't like Wanda, like WandaVision or a fish called. I don't know what that is. You don't know what either of those are? You got to see both of those. I'm not real good with pop culture stuff. Well, I would say a fish called Wanda is maybe not in the popular culture necessarily, as much as it was an alternative fringy movie that became a sleeper hit, but WandaVision definitely is in the popular culture.

We're all talking about it still a year after it came out. What is it? Okay. Do you know who Wanda is? Like can you narrow it down? Like Wanda Mike? Is there a last? No, that's Wanda Mike.

Wanda Maximov. Have you ever heard of her? No, was she like a princess in Russia or something? Almost, pretty close. She was something called the Scarlet Witch. What do you mean she was something called them? She was like a boat? She was a boat and we all watched a TV show about a boat.

So this Russian lady turned into a boat and then what? And then she meets an android. Like a robot. A robot, yes, exactly, yes. With a soul, however, and I believe the infinity gem inside his forehead. What? Why do we watch this? It sounds stupid, but I'm saying someone has never heard of any of this.

I mean, I'm intrigued. What's weird is how quickly everyone was on board with it. I mean, like me knowing about the vision, reading Marvel comics. Who's the vision? That's the android that I'm, the aforementioned android. Oh, and his name is the vision. The vision, yeah. Does he have visions?

No, but he can see through his eyes and that's why they call him that. Okay, but I mean, I'm not trying to find fault with anything, but I can do that too. Well, maybe your nickname should be Cal Visions Solomon. Oh, and then he's the vision to separate. Like he's the vision. Yeah, he's the vision. I'm just vision. He's the lord of all of the people who can see.

Cal Visions. You know, Cal, it's, my name is just Cal, but you know, Cal's vision. Isn't it short for California? Haven't we talked about that? We've talked about it. I don't know if I signed off on that, but I do remember we talked about it and I wished we didn't talk about it. Oh, okay.

Let's never mention it again. And I only have two wishes left, so please don't make me go back. Just wish for more wishes. Is that allowed? It is allowed. They say it's not, but it is. It doesn't feel sporting. I know.

I know. What do you think your other two are going to be? Gosh. You don't have to commit. I guess, uh, I would wish this is, this is not an official wish. Okay. So Jeannie, if you're listening. Don't tell me.

Where did you meet this Jeannie? First of all. I was walking on the beach. Just the other day. You know, this was years ago. Oh. I have been holding onto these wishes and then the California, California case should talk about that so much.

I was like, Jeannie, I wish we never talked about this anymore. And then, um, and then, uh, and the other two, I'm like, oh no, okay. I was a bit of a, I probably could have dealt with that. I didn't need to make a wish. So this is a beach, Jeannie? I, well, I found the lamp on the beach. Oh, okay. That's where he ended up.

I don't know if, if he got turned into, you know, like it got sucked into the lamp on the beach. Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be funny? He was just playing along on the beach. Here's what I assumed. It washed up from a far away shore. Oh, yes.

Yeah. Um, do they get sucked into the lamp or do they go in there willingly and get trapped in the lamp? I felt like because you released them, because you released them from the lamp, what happened over there? A mic fell to touch something and I got scared like I was in a haunted house, but it was just bowl of grapes. So I would keep those for our guests.

Feel free to have any, any light. It's so hard because when you see a bowl of grapes on a table, you're like, oh no, are you going to turn the lights off and this is a haunted house or those just for me. I peeled them as well. I think because the genie, when he comes out, he's like, you have released me from the lamp and now I give you three wishes. So I think they don't want to be in there. Yeah.

I'll pick that up from context clues. But then who would they give wishes to if they weren't in these lamps? I guess nobody. That seems unfair. Well, I don't know how taxing it is for the genies to give wishes. Oh, that's true. Because they, do they physically have to do everything themselves? Oh, I never thought about it.

Like behind the scenes. Like do they, in order to go back and behind the, behind the genes. Thank you. That's the Vidal Sassoon story. Is that something? Is that his name? Oh yeah, he had genes. That's right.

I forgot that he had genes. Or Calvin Klein. That would have been better. Calvin Klein also had genes. Yeah. Levi. Nothing gets between me and my Calvin's or Calvin's, right? I remember it from before.

Yeah, you did. This is very good. You're doing really well, Calvin. Thank you. I've never been, please call me Cal. Cal. I've never been, I've never been in this position before. It's very exciting.

So when the, when the first person people are hearing. Yeah. Well, I was the first, but you, you're the first. Well, the first guest I meet. Yes, exactly. Do you think people hear my voice and they turn it off? I don't know. I think that happens with every show.

So don't take it personal. Do you think I'm divisive? Uh, no. I mean, you're not derisive, which I really appreciate sometimes talking to a guest who's not mean to me. Oh no. Does that happen? Yeah.

It happens all the time. You wouldn't believe how many times it happens. Why would people be mean to you? You're the host of the show. You're being nice. Thank you so much, Cal. I appreciate that. I have anything less than respect and friendship to offer for you and admiration.

I would assume. Sure. I admire you. Yeah. You're doing your thing. Usually I admire you. No. Why?

Do you really? That's very flattering. Well, because you're one of the originals. I mean, let me explain for the listener. You're one of the original members of the sugar hill gang. Yes. I was, I was. By the way, if you not heard of them, it was not a rampaging group of street thugs.

Made out of candy. Made out of candy. Is that what you said? Sugar Hill. I mean, if you could imagine the gang, why don't you read into the rest of it? It's a weird thing to hear when you don't understand what the person's referring to. Made out of candy. It's just, knock me for a loop.

Yeah, that's right. But he was one of the original members of the sugar hill gang, which is a hip hop collective from the pioneers from the 1980s, where you thought you were in the sugar hill gang. I was let go from the group before they recorded their first album. And before they even knew you were in it. There was some confusion about that. Yeah. On your part.

I think on both of them. Well, they pretty much knew they were the sugar hill gang. Oh, for sure. They definitely knew we are the sugar hill gang. Right. And then I believe you, you slipped a note under your next door neighbor's door. Wasn't it, wasn't that the case where you were like, hey, when is rehearsal? And then he moved away two days later.

Well, what happened was, you know, I was, I can't believe I'm telling the story again, but it was, it was a backyard barbecue in New Jersey. And I was, you know, I was neighbors with Wonder Mike. Wonder Mike, of course. And I, or was it Big Bank Hank? I don't remember myself. It's been so long. And so they all started, they started at one point, you know, some of the party moved

indoors and people hanging out in the living room. And Big Bank Hank and Wonder Mike started rapping. And I'd never heard this before. Right. And a lot of people had. It was new. It was just the members of the group and me. And I thought, I mean, this group.

Because you started doing it very softly along with them. I was, I was, I was doing that thing. And I'm embarrassed that I do this, but I'm one of those people that when people are talking, I try to mouth their words along with them. Right. Like almost like you're in a play. Yeah. But I don't know what they're going to say.

But I feel like I'm trying to catch up with my lips. Right. With their lips. Well, I'm trying. Their lips are way ahead of me. Sure. Yeah. With your lips to their lips.

Then to God he is. Yes. Exactly. And so I thought like we're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it. And then, you know, I was, I would ask questions about it and they would just like stare at me, you know, over the ensuing weeks.

And then I heard they were going to the studio and I did. I put a note in the mailbox of Big Bank Hank or Wonder Mike and said, Hey, what time? And he, he, then we, we had a serious talk. Oh, you had a serious talk because the last time I believe we talked about this, you said the minute he got that note, suddenly a for sale sign went up outside. No, I mean, that seems very quick. Now I would chalk that up to coincidence. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I did. He did move away. Right. But we did have a serious talk. What was the serious talk? I don't think we've ever talked about that. Well, he said, look, Cal, you're a nice guy. You're one of the good ones.

We, we like having you as a neighbor, but I think you misunderstood you're not in the sugar hill gang. Really? And I said, I said, are you sure Big Bank Hank or Wonder Mike? Because I remember when we were all doing it and it was really flowing and everybody was feeling good. We were rapping about, you know, going over a friend's house to eat and the food is less than, you know, what you want it to be.

We were talking about how big our TVs are. We were talking about how they were in color, you know, things like that. And things that back in 1982 or so or 81. Yeah. And he said, we're braggers. I think they kind of still are. Right. If you have a color TV, if you have a color, well, do they even make my TV's anymore?

I had one in 1982 or 1983 and I felt like they were on their way out. I still have one in the kitchen. You do. Really? But you bought it back in. 1979. Right. So it's a wonderful TV.

How big is it? It's a Zenith. It's a little guy. It's one of those little ones in the kitchen. Yeah. I'm going to be there myself. OK. You wanted to say something, but Cal wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do that. I'm Cal. So, um, yeah. So I said, but I was there and he said, he said, Cal, man, we didn't know you were there. Didn't even know you were at the party. No, he really? Maybe. I think he knew I was at the party.

He didn't know I was in the room when the gang was beating. Did you bring a side over that day? Of course I did. Of course we've ever talked about that. Potato salad with raisins in it. Why? It remained untouched. Everybody was too polite to eat it.

They were like, no, somebody, I don't want to be. If I know if I eat this, I'm going to eat the whole thing. Too polite to eat it. It seems like to be polite, they would eat some of it. Too polite. Too polite to eat. This is not a bad rap. What's that?

You ever heard of Too Vigint to Quit? It rings a bell. For somebody who wants to be a rapper, you really should learn about the history of the media. Well, I mean, I do know the history. Sugar Hill gang. Sure. But then it stops there.

And the food just ain't no good. They're one song. I mean, to be fair, I don't know any more than that one song by them either. But I know Apache. Apache? Apache. Jump on it. Jump on it.

Oh, I don't know that one. Apache. Jump. It samples. I don't know. I can't remember what the song is, but it goes. Jeopardy, baby. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

No, it is close, though. Boy, they could have used that for a follow-up single. I'm in Jeopardy. What? Like, I'm pitching titles right now. I'm in Jeopardy. I'm in Jeopardy. And then you use the song.

Sure. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It happens a lot in hip-hop. That also sounds like the Twilight Zone theme. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. That made it sound more positive. That's like if the Twilight Zone theme was fun. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

It's a nice show where I didn't expect a nice thing happens. Hey, he found his glasses. He can read all his library books. And everybody came back to life and they're like, we're going to let you read. Here, take all the money in this vault. You've been trapped in here long enough. Boy, he was great. Burgess Meredith?

Oh, one of the best. Rocky. He was a... What's Rocky? Rocky is either my previous dog who's deceased or probably more famously a film franchise starring and sometimes written by Sylvester, a.k.a. Sly, a.k.a. Handle the Shaft. Stallone. Oh, okay.

Work the Shaft. Sorry. I remember seeing Post-its for that. Post-its or Post-its? Post-its. Post-its. 1976. Strange if you saw a Post-it, someone saying, hey, go see Rocky.

I saw a Post-it. Rocky by Sylvester Stallone. Yeah, you should see it. Really, you don't know anything about much, do you? I don't really go to the movies that much. I do watch some TV. Dynamite. And, you know, I do look at Post-its when I see them on the street.

Sure. They're free. Post-its on the street. Post-its on the street? Yes. I don't know that song. What song? Post-its on the street?

Never mind. You're doing a lot of never-minding. It's making me think something's wrong with me. No, not at all. No, you're great. We love you, Kat. You're great. Post-its are free.

Movies are expensive. Let's meet in the middle. Okay, TV. Sure, exactly. You got to buy a TV, but then the TV is free. That's the thing. What if you just bought a movie theater, then you could see every movie for free? Oh, I don't know.

Doesn't that seem like it would cost a lot of money? I don't know. Well, buying a TV seems like it would cost a lot of money. It does, but... Yeah, but I'm not anymore. I'm an older gentleman, and I'm in a fixed income. I can't afford to buy an entire movie theater. Aren't you selling your house?

We talked about the museum last time you were on. I was going to make Convert My House into the Sugar Hill Gang Museum. And also Nature Conservatory or something? Yes, there was also going to be Nature Conservatory. Where everyone was as small as a bug? Uh-huh. And this was all canceled due to lack of interest. Oh, no.

We tried to still talk about it on the show. Oh, I know. And it didn't drum up any interest. Actually, anti-interest. Oh, no. We're selling it. You better not do that. Oh, you better not.

One guy says you better not. Oh, you're late. Oh, wait. You don't even own that house. Nope. You said you did. I guess because it feels like my home. It is rent-controlled, so that's good.

Then you can't do it. Yeah, that was just of his argument, too. We could have saved so much time talking about this the last time you were on the show if you just said, by the way, I don't even own that house. So, I mean, I hope that doesn't mean that everything I've said on the show, if you just pressed a little more, you'd find out that it wasn't what we're talking about.

Oh, no, no, no. I think we've pressed certain parts of this story a lot. Was there any more when you were talking to Big Bank Hank, AKA, or Wonder Mike? Wonder Mike. I remember one of them said to me, hey, you got a lot of hot, but I don't think you're going to make it as a wrap,

but you should stick to your day job, which at the time was I worked for the CIA. What? We have definitely not talked about this. Never? Never. I'm surprised that it hasn't come up. The CIA out there.

The Central Intelligence Agency. That's right. You were thinking, I was going to say, a different thing that CIA stood for, but no, it was the one you're thinking of. Out there in New Jersey, what were you doing for the CIA? I mean, it's been so long.

Can you talk about it? I was based in New Jersey. Yeah, I got fired. Well, I'm not fired, but I got as good as fired when they moved me to New Jersey, because for a while I worked in Washington, DC, and I was supposed to watch this couple that live next door to me,

and I didn't do a very good job, it turns out, because they turned out to be Russian spies. Wait a minute. They were constantly, I mean, when we finally got into that house, it was full of wigs and glass. And spirit gum? Spirit, the house reeked of spirit gum.

I don't know how they live there. Don't like to imagine there. I think that you were dramatized on the television show, The Americans. What? I think you're that, who's that dude? No, they were called the Russians, right? Oh, no, it was an ironic title.

They were Russians pretending to be American. Is that why you never watched it? I forgot you could do that. Yeah, I think that you were like the big, beefy, blonde guy who befriends them, their neighbor. I did use to have blonde hair. Oh, you did?

What happened? Well, I got older. Oh, you mean it fell out? No, it's gray. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. You've worn a hat every single day. You're wearing a hat that just says the word wrap on it. Because I love wrap?

And by the way, it looks like you took a W off of it. Was this like a green room gift from the show, The Wrap? Can I be honest with you? Yeah. Yeah. And you saw that and said, boy, if I take the W off. Exactly. And so I got a steam ripper and I just went to town

and got all those little threads out there. That's why the wrap is a little off-center. Anyway, I don't want to bore you with stories of me being in the CIA. Oh, I would love to. I mean, we've talked about the Sugar Hill gang at length so many times. Have I told you everything about this?

I mean, this was a new wrinkle, the fact that you got a stern talking to by, not even stern, really, a nice talking to. No, it's very gentle. He's very nice about it. And I mean, anyone would think I was a delusional weirdo, but he treated me like a real guy. That's so nice.

But then moved away. Very quickly. How did it end? How did the conversation end? Did you say anything? Oh, I think I said look one. And these words might sound familiar to you. OK.

I said look one to Mike or Big Bang Hank. I know I'm not very good at rapping, but I think I could get good at it. Yeah, you've said that so many times. And then he looked at me for a long time, no words. And then he shook his head and he patted me on the shoulder and he walked away. Interesting.

And you were in his place or he came over to your place? We were sitting on his stoop. His stoop. OK, so. And he just walked back in the house and I sat there for a good while. It got dark. Oh, really?

Yeah, got dark out. Was this the summer or was it the winter time? Oh, so this is late. And the lightning bugs were coming out. And you could hear the ice cream man in his truck. Doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle. At night? Yeah, night.

Night ice cream. Yeah. You never had night ice cream? I mean, once the sun goes down. Maybe this is an east coast thing. But when the sun goes down, the ice cream man comes back with special nighttime ice creams for adults. After dark.

In the shape of dildos and stuff like that. Oh, no. Just more sophisticated flavors like dark chocolate. Oh, I see. OK. Hazelnut. Yeah, stuff like that. They made a toffee fave bar, an ice cream bar.

Really? Toffee fave, as you remember, it was too good for kids. Oh, right. Yeah, I do remember that. It was an adult candy bar. Yeah. And I remember, you know, because I was an adult at the time when that candy bar came out, but I had a little neighbor

who was a little boy. And boy, he'd see that commercial, he would be in rage when they would say toffee fave's too good for kids. It would make him want it, right? Yeah, it made him want it more than anything. And then did he ever have it? Then he once I tried it and he didn't like it much. I hope he's tried it as an adult.

He should. He should. Man, I wish that we could order some right now. Can you order candy bars? Yeah, probably. You can get anything these days. Really? Just get it delivered?

Like what? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to take time out of our conversation. If I wanted a fish, I could order that? Yeah, you could. Yeah. What kind of fish do you want? Don't wish for it.

No, you don't know. Okay. This is not an official wish, Genie. Here's my workaround. I say, I long for. Oh, well, I would long for like a nice salmon. Just a salmon, a sockeye salmon of some sort? Sure.

I mean, does it arrive the way it is in the water? Is it cooked? They usually cook it. Yeah. I mean, although sometimes I think you can get it from the market where it's just like Instagram. Oh, wow. The wet market?

No, no, not the ones of Wuhan, China. What is a wet market, by the way? I don't know. Have I been to one? I don't. I'm not sure. What if you've been to one and you didn't know? Yeah.

I'm like, ooh, I'm feeling very soggy at this market. I feel, I mean, obviously when I was in the CIA, I was all over the world and I feel like a wet market. I don't remember ever using that term before, but I think it's any market where they sell like food and stuff. Like stuff out of the package? Yeah, like meat, like out of the package. You think they buy it at the supermarket,

then they take it out of the store? Where it could get rained on. Oh, you know what it is? It's any market where there's no umbrellas. Oh, that's probably what it is. And they could call the rain at any time. I'm looking it up, actually. We're going to get a fish?

It's a marketplace selling fresh meat, fish produce, and other consumption-oriented perishable goods in a non-supermarket setting as distinguished from dry markets that sell durable goods such as fabrics and electronics. I feel like that was my first thought. That's what a wet market was? I wouldn't call something like a fries electronic store a dry market, though.

It is, though. It is? Especially with electronics. You got to be careful. You got to keep them dry. Yeah, you ever get that TV of yours wet? Of course. I mean, it's in the kitchen.

It happens. In the kitchen? Where is it right above the sink? Well, sometimes I have to put it in the sink if I'm using the counter space to chop stuff up. Because usually on the counter, next to the toaster. Well, TVs were big back then, too, like in terms of depth. True.

I mean, this is a little guy, but it does have much back. Yes. And you got to be careful. A little in the middle, though. Yeah, it's a little. In the middle is where all the TV guts off. Sure, yeah. So that's not big.

Yeah, of course. And so I would keep it on the counter. And then sometimes let's say I'm going to chop some celery. I'm going to make a nice tuna fish salad. Put raisins in that, by the way, Cal. All the time. And so I need to move the little guy, which that's what I call the TV, is the little guy.

The little guy. And when I turn it on in the morning, when I'm having my coffee, I say, good morning, little guy. Oh, how nice. Well, I mean, for a lonely bachelor like yourself, I mean, that can be, it can feel like companionship. Yeah. And when I, when I say good night, I turn it off.

If I'm having like a, you know, and I have to do an asanka, something like that before I go to bed. Then I watch the TV and I'll watch the evening news. And I always turn it off before the American flag comes on with the national anthem. And when I, when I turn it off, I say, good night, little guy. And I wait until the little dot disappears entirely. Before I go to bed.

Now, is that him sleeping? Or is that the television basically like dying for the night? I think it's both. I don't think of it as dying for the night, but just resting and recharging for the next day. Okay. So that's a lot like sleeping. Yeah.

So like what I like about the old TV, the little guy is that you turn it off and then the whole thing shrinks. Yeah. It like goes into like a line and then the line goes into a dot and then the dot fades out. I wish TVs did that these days. Why don't they? I'm nostalgic for that.

It would be so great just to see like everything just shrink, go into the dot, the line, the dot. TVs are too good now. I see, when I see, if I go to an electronics store and I see the new TVs. A dry market. I fit. Yeah.

When I go to a dry market and I look at, I can't help but look at the TVs because they're big. And, and. This is a good wrap. Hold on. Hold on. Let's turn this into a wrap. When I go into a dry market.

Okay. I can't help but look at the TVs because they're just so big. Okay. Hold on. You're flooding me with information. Have you ever gone into a dry market to look at some TVs? I see the TV and the TV's big. And I say, oh geez, I can't look at that TV.

Look at that TV. It's a big TV. The color's so clear. The coverage is so bright. I feel like I'm inside the TV and a big fish is going to eat me because it's an ancient thing playing. Okay. All right.

Okay. Okay. No, we, yeah. I lost it. You lost it. You definitely, you, you had it pretty good for a while. I felt like I was doing pretty good. Although you kept saying TV all the time.

TV with TV a few times. I couldn't think of anything else to rhyme it with. It's hard. It's hard. Maybe me. I should have then say and puree. Oh, we talked about that before. Yep.

Today. Hey, there's another one. That rhymes too. That rhymes too. Should I try that one? Sure. Okay. Well, my name is Cal and I'm here to say that today is a good day for a puree.

A puree today. Don't mind if I do. I like to have it and he has a shoe. Oh, no, I lost it. Well, I mean, you actually completed the rhyme. You said a shoe, but then you got very sad when you started talking about a shoe. He has a shoe because I was picturing, it became too real in my mind. I was picturing just handing somebody a shoe and then I saw the look on their face.

It's like, why are you doing this? A lot like when you handed a wonder bike or big bank hank that salad, potato salad with all the raisins in it. Oh, everybody looked at me at that time. And I now I understand. They weren't like, they weren't being modest about wanting to eat it so badly. They were disgusted. Yeah.

By my potato salad raisins in it. Why do you put those in there? Texture. No one wants that texture. Well, Cal, work on those raps. I always am. You always, I mean, do you do it every day? Every single day I practice my raps.

For how long? Two hours. Two hours? How many did you get out? How many raps do I get out? Zero. Why don't you write them beforehand? We talked about this before.

And I feel like cheating. Everyone does it. When I would watch one to my big bank hank and the other one, they would just spit them out. I know. But even the guys who like, you ever see that movie Eight Mile? No. You should see.

If you're interested in the art form, you should see. Is that one where it's like a cartoon where miles come to life? Miles come to life? I know they make cartoons now where things come to life that aren't alive. So it miles like eight mile friends that they come. Do you mean like the mile markers? Or do you mean the literal miles? I don't know.

I haven't seen it. What are you talking about? I don't know. You're talking about a guy named Miles. No. Who's dead and comes back alive. It would be like a mile, the unit of measurement, but it comes to life. I don't know.

Okay. All right. Anyway, watch Eight Mile. You'll figure it out. You're saying it's not that. It is not that. It is about the neighborhood of Eight Mile in Detroit. Oh, okay.

Sure. And there's a famous rapper M&M who is getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year. What does the M stand for? Marshall. And then the other one stands for Mathers. So he's Marshall and Mathers. Yes. That's his government name, his Christian name.

And he decided to turn that into a gnome de plume of M&M. Standing for Marshall and Mathers. Marshall and Mathers, yeah. But not like, yeah. I never thought about my names as needing an and in the middle. Like what is my name? Well, it's two, Cal and Solomon. But that would be a great middle name for someone if they wanted to do it.

Your name would be Scott and Aquaman. Yeah, it would. Thank you for remembering my name. A lot of my guests don't remember. How could you forget the name of somebody you're sitting across from? Well, I mean, that's a good question, but Cal Solomon is here. You're having fun. I am having fun.

We are having fun. I like to have a little good natured. I like to have a little bit of fun while we do the show. But then we get down to business and we get down to brass hacks. Got to do it. Cal, can you stick around? Because I know you didn't plan on, or I didn't plan on you being here. And I don't even know if you planned on being here, but you are here.

It's going to be another four hours before my bus comes. Okay, good. Where are you taking your bus back? New Jersey. So the bus to New Jersey comes around every four hours? Every four hours. And it's an express. Really?

Los Angeles to New Jersey. Three days? Three days. Wow. Just strange. How do they switch off the drivers? Like speed style? It's the same guy every time.

Speed style. Speaking of speed. Oh no, do you think? I think no one can drive for three hours straight without taking some sort of... I saw a lot of drug abuse when I was in the CIA. Well, next time you come out, I want to do some follow-ups about the CIA. It's boring. But I feel like I saw the Americans, so I know almost everything about you.

Oh no. That's not good to hear. You don't come off great. Oh no. I mean, you come off nice, but sort of like a buffoon who they pulled one over on. Did they at least give me a cooler name than Cal Solomon? Yeah, I think... Let me check because I'm pretty sure they did.

I don't know what the guy's name is. And you were known as Cal Solomon by then? You weren't going under an alias in order to... Well, that's my born name. Of course, I'd use many aliases, but not to these neighbors. Right. The name on the show was Stan Beeman. Stan Beeman?

Pretty close. That's a lateral move at best. Yeah. In fact, that final episode, yeah, I don't know. Oh no. You look like a fool. I don't want to give any spoilers, but... Like in real life, what happened to me?

Yes. I don't know if it's better to have lived it or to watch it played out by a guy named Stan Beeman. So Stan Beeman was fired then? And then... But before that, thought he was a member of the Sugar Hill gang because that never came up on the Americans. No, that's too bad.

Because you were fired after the Sugar Hill gang business, right? No, I was fired before the Sugar Hill gang business. Right. Okay. Yeah, that's why I was in New Jersey. Oh, right. They didn't reveal that we get sent to New Jersey, did they? No, they did not.

Okay, you just did that. Cut this out. Okay. If you would. I mean, it's your show. I think our editing machine is broken. Oh, no. Yeah.

That's bad luck for me. You know what's not broken is our commercials button. Oh, good. And we're going to have to take some of those right now. You can stick around though, because we have a... I didn't hype who's on the show a little later. We have a concerned citizen and a TV personality. I got three hours and 50 minutes.

Okay, great. And then it's back on the bus. That's right. We'll be right back. This is Comedy Bang Bang. I didn't introduce myself. My name's Scott Irving. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Hi, Paul Solomon. Hi. Formerly Californication Solomon, but the genie. And this was my question earlier. Does he physically have to like fly around the earth like Superman did to turn back time? That I don't know. Okay.

I mean, he's a genie. He is a genie. I assumed it was all magic. I never imagined it was physical exertion. I think it might be. Otherwise, they would just be giving wishes out to anyone who wanted one. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, so I wonder if he did it. Apparently that was, we time traveled that change had never happened. Yeah. And technically, you shouldn't be remembering it. I'm going to have a word with a genie. Some sloppy work by that genie. You shouldn't be reinforcing it about bringing it up again. Make sure it's not a wish, though.

It's not a wish. Oh, I long for you to stop talking about it. We have to get to our next guest. This is a concerned citizen. And this is, I wonder, I mean, there's a lot to be concerned about these days. Sure. You know what I mean? Your concerns, Cal.

Oh, the Russians, of course. Sure. They never fought for my thoughts. Of course. Well, I mean, they made a complete fool out of you. Okay. The two in particular. Yeah.

They ever contact you ever after that and say, hey, Cal, we're totally sorry about all that. Well, they never said sorry, but they would send taunting videos to me. Taunting videos? Yeah. Like what? I don't even have a computer. Oh, so were these camcorder videos or these were? Well, they knew that I had the little guys at TVVCR.

Okay. So they would send a videotape. There's a VHS cassette tapes and it will be them doing great raps. What? About how great their life is in Russia. No. I mean, I can understand maybe they think like, oh, this guy's interested in rap. Will kind of like do something nice.

You think they mean it nice? They could mean it nice. Yeah. It sounds like a nice thing. I mean, if someone were to send me a funny video of them rapping something, I would laugh. Like if one was titled Cal Solomon is a fool, what would you think? Oh, then I would think that they're definitely talking to me. Like that's on the spine of the tape.

Oh, really? Did they do like artwork on it too and like a cool, a cool like hand? Sometimes. I think the husband does the artwork. Oh, really? Yeah. When the wife does it, it's just like plainly written out, but the husband like put some doodles.

She was all business. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were nice neighbors too. It's too bad. Yeah.

It's too bad what they did to you. But this is a nice person and we'll find out what they're concerned about. Please welcome to the show, Peanut Parton. Hello, I'm Peanut Parton and I can't stop farting. Oh gee. And you're rapping. Are you taunting him? No, it's not funny.

I'm not taunting anybody. I'm not even taunting myself. Oh, is this a real thing? Yes, I can't stop farting. I can't also can't stop getting migraines, doing little heart attacks, falling down, having bad balance, pissing myself, throwing up. I'm in bad shape, Scott. Oh dear.

Oh, okay. So you're, I'm guessing from your physical appearance in your- I'm from Tennessee, yes. Oh, yes. But you're also- Wow, good eye. You're also an older person. I'm a little older.

I'm a little older. I'm older. I'm older. I'm older. I'm older. I'm older. I'm older. Wow, good eye.

You're also an older person. I'm a little bit older, yes, but ageing, nothing but a number, baby. Yeah, but what is the number and what, it's pretty up there, right? Well, no, it's only 82 because, well, are you familiar with the Parton Scientific Trials of 1946? No, I mean, I haven't been reading the medical journals at all. That's where how come I'm born and why I'm here? And why everything is hurting, Scott.

Okay, so you were six years old at the time, if I'm doing my math correctly. Well- If you're 82. No, because I wasn't the first one that was born. Oh, this makes sense now. So you couldn't have been six years old, that's right. Yes. Right.

So because are you familiar with Dolly Parton? Yes, she's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame right there next to whoever we were talking about before. Go write hot chili peppers? Well, she will be. Well, good for her. I hope they don't get them confused at the museum. Well, the other ones, you know, not so lucky because, you know, before Dolly, you know

how she was because she was made from the scientists. What? Hold on. Back up a little bit because I haven't heard this story. Dolly Parton, American Treasure. Yes. Writer of both Jolene and I will always love you on the same ass day. She wrote both of those songs.

It wasn't an ass day, it was a Thursday. Oh, okay. Really, a Thursday for all that to happen to her. Her husband leaves her. Well, she's the perfect woman, Scott, isn't she? You've seen her before. Blonde, big bosom, little waist, big bum, right? Right, yeah, little in the middle.

So she was made by the scientist. Really? So this is like a weird sight. A weird sight. You think a woman like that could be born of a natural birth? No. I guess, I mean, she is gorgeous, right, Cal? I mean, maybe she's a beautiful lady.

Yeah, so you have heard of her. You haven't heard of a lot of things about Dolly Parton. Sure. Which song is your favorite? The one about the, have you got some gingerbread? I ain't you got no gingerbread, I ain't you got no candy, ain't you got an extra bed for me and little Andy. Does that appeal to you because of the sugar hill gang type stuff?

You're interested in things about sugar. I never made that connection. That's two things. But before there was Dolly, well obviously they tried a few others, didn't they, Scott? Okay, so if I'm hearing you correctly and I want to not only hear but listen, you are saying the Dolly Parton was born out of scientific experiments in the 40s? Yes, the scientists, they were all men and they wanted to have the most beautiful woman

they could show, ingredients of all her characteristics. Where did they get like a Frankenstein's monster, but where did they get all of these characteristics? How do you grow these in a lab? I don't know, Scott, Petrie dish? Petrie dish, oh, so it's, oh, got it. Grow it under a light bulb, hot one. Okay.

And then all the different kinds of girls were born, but it took them a few to get Dolly right, didn't they? And so now nobody gives a hell shit about peanut parton and no one taking care of me. So you are kind of like Dolly Parton's sister, is that what you're saying? No, we call ourselves the previous partons. Oh, so you're Mach 1 or? No, I'm number 6 or 7. She wasn't the first one born, remember?

No, I was, first one was Gunk. That one didn't live very long. Gunk was mostly blood, but we remember Gunk because she was the first. Oh, okay, so Gunk was the first. Yes. Then there were two through five. Yes, then there was Darlene Parton. Darlene?

He was really close, but she didn't have the dimples, so they shot her in the head. Oh, God. She didn't have the dimples. Just because of the dimples? How did they know that they even wanted dimples? I mean, until you see Dolly with the dimples, you don't know you want them. Why is it a tricked woman? That was part of the ingredients.

Oh, dimples are part of perfection. Yes. So she didn't have dimples, and so the execution style just... Yes, when Darlene came out, they said, voice of an angel, big breasts, little whites, all that stuff, but when the dimples weren't there, they put a code, end of a revolver to her forehead. The business end.

And they executed her. In front of everyone? Well, I wasn't born yet, from a Petri dish. Well, I guess I don't mean everyone who's ever lived. I just mean in front of everyone who's there in the room. Yes, and then that's right. I wasn't there. Sure.

Were you born yet? No. How old are you again? Oh, I'd rather not say. It would make it easier for some of my opposite numbers in Russia to track me down. It seems like they know where you are. They're sending you these videotapes. Well, those two, sure.

You don't think they've told their friends? No, I think they're honorable in certain ways. Okay, yeah. That was sort of what the show was about. So then two through five, two had the, what was Tuesday again? Darlene. Darlene. He was gunk and then Darlene.

Gunk and Darlene. It was a big jump between the first and the second. First one really bad, mostly. First one was just blood. Second one, perfect other than the dimple. So trash. Okay. And then what was three and four and five like?

Three was Heidi Klum. Oh, wow. She's out there in the world now. She likes Halloween costumes too much. That was her fault. Yeah. And then I think number four was Mukali Koken. Wow.

He was too short, of course, and the bosoms weren't big enough. Sure. But he had those cheeks though. And then by then they weren't doing executions anymore either. Oh, by then, by then. Because actually funny enough, the CIA had started watching, keeping an eye on the dumpster. And saying, well, where this one come from, that's not right. So just looking at the dumpster.

Yeah, because that's where Darlene went. And when they noticed Darlene show up in there, they said this girl's nearly perfect except for no dimples. So trash. But then three and four didn't end up at the dumpster because we know who they are. Heidi Klum and Mukali Koken. That's right. And because the CIA was sitting out by the dumpster making sure nobody was getting thrown in there. So the scientists didn't do executions anymore.

So they let them go off and be models and actors. If I work for the CIA, that would be the worst job to have to watch a dumpster all day. Although not as bad as what you did. I mean. I mean, letting two Russian spies steal all of those secrets and wear all of those wigs. How many wigs did they have? I lost count after like 200. So like an entire wing of their house just devoted to wigs.

I don't really want to. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to bring this up. So, so two was of course Darlene, then we have Heidi Klum, then Mukali Koken. Who was number five? Well, you're looking at her. Oh, you were five.

Peanut parton. Peanut parton. And this word, they went sideways, right? Right. Because they had made in Mukali and they said he don't have the hourglass figure. And as you'd noticed, you've looked at a peanut before, correct? How have you looked at a peanut? I've seen tons of peanuts.

Still in the shed. What does it remind you of? Still in the shell. It kind of reminds me of Mr. Peanut. No. It reminds you of a beautiful woman's body. Oh, right. That was a nice figure.

And the titties on top, the waist, the buttocks. And all of the like indentations, sort of like pop marks. And so they thought for, they were trying to make their perfect dolly. And so they, they bred me into Petri just with most of the peanuts for the shape. No. So they, they cross bred to your DNA with peanuts? Yes. Oh.

And that's why how come now I'm a severely allergic to peanuts and my skin is so crunchy. We're all allergic to the things that we are. That's right. That's why you must never eat human flesh. That's right. And you become a Wendigo. I'm little too. I'm little too.

So that's why they would be calling me peanut part. And then I was a, you know, all the scientists, they were fan of me. I say, oh, there's peanut. She's a little cute. So you still keep up with the scientists? You're still seeing? Oh, Ryan. Ryan, though.

So you're on a first day basis. Ryan, Kyle, Megan. They must, you're 80 something. Supposedly. Actually, you're more like 70 something. And they must, they must have been at least 20, 25 years. I mean, I can't even imagine being a 20 year old scientist and working on this. So there, I mean, they're in their hundreds now.

Yes, they are. But they all, did they take some sort of like anti-aging serum or something like that? You don't even want to know the stuff they were cooking up in that Petri dish. Impossible combinations. But they're still around their front row at all of McCully's movies and Heidi's shows. Row. That's a bad, that's a bad row in your, the movie theater. She gets there a little earlier.

Depends on the theater, right? Well, sure. Well, I wouldn't want to buy one of those theaters. Premier theaters, that's big, right? What? Let me ask you, what, McCully, Coke and Heidi Klum? Was that always their names? Or did they have names before that?

Well, before that day, we're Hottickly and Parton. And McCully, Coke and Parton. Because they ain't name us all. We all have, we're part of the Parton experience. Oh, okay. So, right. The previous Partons. The experience.

Previous Partons. And was Dolly's next or? Dolly was number 82. He took a forever together. Wow. So what, what is the difference? I mean, obviously your voice is terrible. But my singing voice really good.

Oh, really? Oh, let's hear it. Yeah, that's something they nailed on me. Let's hear it. I mean, do you sound just like Dolly Parton? I do. Do-Leen. Do-Leen.

Do-Leen. It's really good. Were you singing Do-Leen? Well, sure, that's my problem. I got the voice, but I couldn't get the lyrics. Oh. So they nailed the voice, but lyrically. Lyrically, I cannot understand a single lyric.

I can't memorize them. Don't know what the words mean. As soon as it's in melodic form, I don't understand the language. What about Tiny Dancer? Tiny Dancer, do you want to dance there? So you don't hear Tony Dancer? No, I don't hear anything in that one. So then, wow, so you were pretty early.

And physically, I mean, it's weird that they were able to nail it other than the dimples for number two, and then they got it so far off with you. They were far off with McCully, too, let's be honest. Well, true. But he got the blonde hair. I got the blonde hair, but I only got four or five strands of it. I got the dimples, but they're too deep. They hurt.

They're like someone took a knife to your cheeks. Yes, they're like other little mouths. It's like someone did a joker on you or something like that. Exactly right. Why so serious? People are starting to make, but I didn't get it. You don't get it? Any time someone sees you, they say, why so serious?

Like you're doing a fun joker costume? That's right. They just think, oh, that's been a part, and she's a little clown. She's going to cheer us up. Wow. So what have you been doing this whole time? When did they let you out of the, I'm assuming this is a secret lab out there? Yes, in Tennessee.

In Tennessee. Yes. And you know, they let me out. Yeah. Because, you know, the CIA was on dumpster watch, so they couldn't fold me up and put me in there. Right. And I was a fan among, you know, Dr. Ryan, Dr. Kyle, they all thought I was a good time.

You know, and so they let me out and I've been having a pretty normal life except for now. I can't stop farting and pissing myself and all my organs are feeling because they didn't do a good job. No. Did this just start happening or has it been happening since you were created? Well, it's just recently. The thing they forgot to give me.

I guess that's what I was asking. Yeah. Or since you were created. It's getting worse lately. Because you see, they forgot to give me on a bum hole. Wait, they forgot to give you an entire. They forgot to give me on a bum hole. They forgot to give you one.

Yes, and since. Would you like me to tear you a new one? Oh, Scott. I would like that very much. You didn't know how to answer, right? Because I have been eating regular cereal stuff like that. Sure. But it's not going anywhere.

It's all just collected. It's filling me up and I'm full. And that's hurting. Wow. And so now, you know, I'm reaching a stage in my life. That's why I wanted to come on the show, Scott. Ask anybody out there if they got my same blood type, which is peanut butter and blood. See if I can get a butthole.

Like a transplant? Sure. I need stomach. I need apples. I need tongue. I need everything. Are you sure you're not just getting older? I mean, when people are, you know, however, you know, I mean, however old you are, it

seems more like 76, but, you know, I mean, like our organs start failing. Oh, okay. I'm sure it's normal like that, Scott. Were you raised in a warm Petri dish? No, you're right. You're right. I don't know. She's got you there, Scott.

Yeah. You're privileged. I'm sorry. Well, so if anyone out there, I don't think anyone's going to have your particular blood type though. Why? How come? Cal, you a peanut butter, don't you?

I mean, sometimes with raisins. She put raisins. Yeah. So? But I don't know. Although peanut butter raisins might be good. It's not bad. I mean, with bananas, it's good.

Sure. I don't know if I eat enough peanut butter to meet your needs, but does it need to be a transplant? Can't they just drill one in there? Yeah. I think the butter is the only thing you can drill into someone that they don't already have. How can I drill into someone?

A what? A stomach? A larynx? These are all things I need. Right. Couldn't they do some sort of like Wiley Coyote Roadrunner thing where they draw one on you and it just, then it works? Sorry.

I'm sure she's heard that before. Pardon me. I'm coming on the show to talk about a series. Pardon you. Parts in the interruption. You should have a show. Okay, I'll take this one. No, no, no.

My first guess is an ignorant man who only watches Looney Tunes. Hey, everyone. I think that's you. She was taking a dig. Damn. I don't know what to tell you. I don't think that you're able to transplant an entire hole. I mean, it's the absence of something.

That's the issue. I mean, it's a little more than that. Do you have anything inside you? Any guts? I got a lot of guts. Yeah. Too many. And they're all twisted around each other.

Oh, sorry. My stomach is wrapped around inside of my larynx. Oh, no. And my titties are on my butt cheeks. My teeth are in my dimples. Oh, God. It's been a nightmare. And it didn't work out.

But you know, I see Dolly Parton on stage just hooping it up. Yeah, she's got it all. And I'm sick to my stomach because, you know, she wouldn't acknowledge the previous Partons. And you ask her about it. She'll say, oh, no, I'm just a regular girl not made in a lab. Not even in like liner notes on any of her albums. She's like, oh, by the way, the 80, you know, one previous Partons. I want to give a shout out to them or anything like that.

Nothing. You know, she doesn't. But actually the song nine to five was written about. Really? Stumble out of bed. I'd better come into the kitchen. Put yourself in confusion. Definitely lost it.

Yeah, those lyrics have just slipped away. I know that feeling. But the voice is gorgeous. We can't deny that. No, we can't deny that. I mean, I gotta say, titties on an ass would be not bad if you're hitting it from the back. It's kind of like you're getting the best of both worlds.

Scott, my whole body is in pain. I'm sorry. I would take that into account. But you know, you need to go to Tennessee and get yourself a job in a secret dumpster lab and you can cook up whatever kind of woman you want. Sounds like not a bad idea. But Scott, promise me this. You will reckon with the previous versions.

The ones that don't go away to have big home alone franchises and German fashion modeling shows. It seems like, I mean, OK, number one was just blood. So no life to that. Gunk. She had a name. Gunk, I beg your pardon. And then of course, Darlene.

Yes. Shot execution style. No dimples. No dimples. And then every other one is still alive? Still with us? Yeah. Mostly every other wonder could be one sitting at this table right now.

What? OK. The shaggy defense. Who? You ever see Scooby-Doo? Yeah. The dog. And he solves supernatural crimes.

Well, I mean, they turn out not to be supernatural as to not scare children. Oh, right. That makes sense. So just scare them for a little bit. It's to excite their imaginations of like, oh, maybe ghosts are real. And then suddenly it's like, no, it's just a... Then at the end, talk about insurance. Right.

So I'm trying to understand, and I'm not asking as a CIA guy, just asking as a regular person. I'm trying to understand the quality levels. So first, just blood. Then... Darlene. Perfect. Darlene looks exactly like Darlene Bonn except... Don't say perfect, Scott.

I already told you about the dimples. I beg your pardon. Although I would have kept her. Quite honestly. Right. Then... Well, at that time scientists had a hard time finding perverts like you to take the rejected science experiments.

I mean, I don't think that I'm perverted when I say that if I saw Dolly Parton walking down the street without the dimples, I would say that's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. But okay. Agreed and disagree, Scott. All right. Then you got Heidi Klum. Especially if the titties were on the ass.

Anyway, go ahead. Then you got Heidi Klum. Too tall. An absolute disaster. Too tall. But she's a pretty lady, right? She's a model, I think. Sure.

Yeah. Then Macaulay Culkin, he's a little boy. Too short. Little boy with red cheeks from slapping them too. Then it's like 70-something more. It seems like they were so close on that number, too. What number were you, dear? Well, they don't...

You're a six or seven, didn't you say? Yes, but they don't tell you your number because that's where you get your power. Oh, sure. So that's why how come Dolly wrote nine to five because she was number 95. Oh, even though you said that she was 87, six or seven. Interesting. My brain doesn't work. I've just got my organs remanded in a war-patriot dance.

I gotta give her a break. But, I mean, it's making me question everything you said. The fact that you've... That's also a fair point. Made several mistakes. Sorry, he nut. My memory's not good. I wouldn't deny it.

Yeah. And do you think that's because of the lab? They gave you a bad memory? Yes. They didn't want me to remember what Ryan, Kyle, Megan were up to. But I still remember. Megan. Yeah, Megan was one of the scientists.

Really? Yeah, girls can be scientists, didn't you know, Pervert? Not back then. I suppose you want to know if her ass was part of her titties as well. Didn't you ever see Hidden Figures? They weren't... That was the whole plot of the movie. I can't watch a movie, Scott.

I'm blind. No. I'm so sorry. Nothing's working as it should be. I suppose you didn't notice I don't have ears either. No, you're wearing headphones. Why do you have those on? To cover the fact that you don't have ears.

Because you know how birds have little holes on the side of their heads? Yes. That's me too. That's Peanut Burton right there in the nutshell. No pun intended, of course. No pun intended. Of course. Would you say that your strongest thing that you got going right now is your voice?

I would definitely agree with that. Because I can hear you? I can understand you? Yes. And my singing voice is gorgeous. Your singing voice is perfect. I would almost rather you sing everything than hear your talking voice. Okay, that can be arranged.

Yeah, but then I wouldn't understand you because the lyrics are off. And it just comes out like, you know, a little bit of, oh, the letter D is the only one I can do. Oh, okay. Let's hear it. When I'm singing. Oh, okay. You're also sort of doing the letter E. Are you in touch with Dolly ever or is she just ignores all of you?

You think Dolly wants to reckon with me and the previous partons. I sit front row at every single concert and I hold my sign. That goes good in a concert bad at a movie. Would you agree? And it's expensive too to get front row. Every time. I have to fundraise all year to get there. And then when I do, I hold up a sign and I say, Dolly, you remember me, don't you?

What is the fundraising entail? Well, I come on shows like this and I ask for either organs or money because my organs are hurting and I don't have any money. All right. So, I mean, we'll save that for plugs, obviously, for the fundraising. Oh, I'm sorry, Scott. We just want to hear your story now. We don't want to get to the business. So you sit there and does she ever see the sign?

Does she ever, you know? She sees it. I see a quiver in her lip and I see her little knees start to knock together and she titters on her, on her high heels, her little ankles are snapping. I can see her breasts swelling and her hair gets all sweaty and as she starts to go scratching at her eyes and I can tell it's making her uncomfortable. Really? But she never ignores. She never points at you. She never acknowledges you or anything like that.

Why would she, Scott? Well, see, why are you doing it? See, if there's no chance of her ever acknowledging you. Because I got to do some sort of peanut dream. Yeah, that's true. We all do. We all have our peanut dreams, don't we? We all got to do some sort of peanut dream.

Mine is rap. Maybe, you know, Cal, first of all, I'm wondering why you've never wished to be an actual member of the Sugar Hill gang. Retroactively. It feels like cheating. It feels like cheating. Okay, well, all wishes are sort of like cheating. Yeah, but some things are more, you know, some things are who-kissed. I guess.

Yeah, but I'm wondering if you could use one of your wishes for Peanut Parton here. Wow. You know, I mean, she's got her peanut dreams. And you've got two wishes. It's true. I mean. Okay, Peanut, just so there's no confusion, tell me what you long for. Oh, what don't I long for?

I long for a stomach that could digest food. I long for a bottle that could poop it out. I long for a brain that had memory. A tongue that had taste. Ears that had earring and a heart that could veal. How about top two? A color TV. Oh, wow.

That should be easy for a genie. Yeah, I think so. Anything else? Can you do that? Can you fold two wishes into one wish and go like, oh, I wish for a color TV and something. As long as there's no period. I think so. I mean.

Just keep adding commas and be like, I'm not done. That's not fair. That's abusing the system. I'm not finished, genie. I would never speak to the genie that way. Really? Is the genie nice? The genie's very nice.

We have a cordial relation. Even though you keep him in the bottle still. No, I freed him from the bottle. You freed him from the bottle so he's just hanging out? He is hanging out waiting for me to wish two more things. I don't know. Do you think he lives in a cloud? Maybe the cloud.

With all our data and pictures and stuff? Yeah. That's why I won't get a computer. You don't have any nudes that you've taken? Scott, look, we're friends, but I don't answer. That's too far. That's too far. But you do.

I'm not going to answer that. But you do have some nudes. I'm not going to answer that. All right. I'm sorry, Cal. Okay, peanut. So color TV. That's it.

That'll be good. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. All right. So I still have a wish left for myself. That would be great.

Yeah. Would you mind if I took the initiative to wish something else for you? Sure. Okay. So, all right. I got to summon the genie. How do you do that? Yeah.

Does he say like, hey, if you ever need me, if you're ever going to wish for something, here's how you get a hold of me? Yeah. Oh, no. The way to summon him is I have to make a rhyme and rap form. Oh. Wait. So any rhyme?

I just have to complete a good rhyme. It's weird because I feel like you did a couple earlier. Did he come by? No. It has to be about him. Oh. About him. Team rap.

Okay. Well, let's do it. Do you want me to lay down another beat here or? If you wouldn't mind. Okay. Here we go. Do you mind if I help as well? Yeah.

I wouldn't mind. Okay. I have a gift of rhythm. You'll do the hook. You do the hook. Do you have a gift of what? Rhythm. Rhythm.

You do like the Faith Evans, you know, of the notorious B.I.G. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go. I'll jump in when it's time. All right.

Here we go. Have you ever had a genie as a friend and he gives you a couple wish? Oh, no, I guess. No. Really? Already? He gives you a couple wish. Couple wish.

Yeah. Not good. Not good. Do they have to be grammatically correct? Yeah. I mean, a good rhyme. Sure. Objectively good.

Okay. Well, even if you don't like it, you say, but it's a good rhyme. Right. Okay. Got it. Yeah. All right. Here we go.

Let's try one more. Sorry. Sorry, gang. No worries. All right. And your editions were, by the way, fart noises. Is that what you're doing? It's not a fart noise.

It's a fart. It's a literal fart. Okay. Got it. Here we go. And because I don't have a bum hoe. We're like him coming out of my mouth. Oh.

And I can do three at once because I got the dimples as well. Okay. Deep dimples. Deep dimples. Deep dimples. Deep dimples. Deep dimples. Deep dimples.

Hey, Genie. Deep dimples. It's me, your friend, Cal. I'm just calling. What you doing, pal? I'm hanging out at Scott's new show. No. That's new show.

Yeah. It's not a new show. No, it's not new. How many new compared to the history of the world? I don't think the Genie's going to give me that. Yeah. All right. This time for real.

Here we go. Okay. Here we are. All right. Here we go. It's starting to hurt me a little bit to do the two. Oh, Genie. Can you hear my voice?

Could you come and see me? That would be noise. I got a wish that I'd like to make. Not just for me but someone that you'd find in the cake. Her name is Peanut. You find a peanut? I mean... I think it worked.

Hey, what's up? Hi, Genie. How are you? I'm fine. How are you doing? I'm fine. How are you doing? I'm fine.

I'm fine. How are you doing? I'm fine. How are you doing? I'm fine. How are you doing? I'm fine. How are you doing?

I'm fine. How are you doing? Hi, Genie. Hey, girl. What's going on? It's good to see you. Hey, man. What's going on, girl?

Thank you for enjoying my life. I learned you summoned me. You did enjoy it. It was objectively good. Thank you. You find a peanut in a cake. Sometimes you find a peanut in a cake. I'm asking.

You find a peanut in a cake? No, not really. Oh, okay. It was just for dramatic purposes. All right, great. But listen, Genie. What's up? I think I'm ready to do my last two wishes.

Your last two wishes? Oh, this is big. This is big. Hell, you only got two left. I know. I know. And I'm not going to ask for more wishes. All right, good.

Yeah. I would have given it to you. You would have? Yeah. Oh, well. Are you not going to do it? No, it doesn't seem right. All right.

What do you want? How do you feel about it? I feel fine. Doesn't matter to me. You don't care? I don't give a shit. But then I have to keep asking you to grant the wishes. I love you.

I don't care. I'd like to spend time with you. I love you too, Genie. Yeah, but you're not going to do what you said. No, it doesn't seem right. And the man's word is his freaking bond. Yeah. What do you want?

Okay. This is my friend Peanut Plotten. Is it okay if I call you my friend? Peanut. Hello, of course. I'm everybody's friend. Are you really? You're not going to imprison me in a bottle, are you?

No, of course not. But Genie, do you know Dolly Parton? Yeah. She had three wishes once. She did. Yeah. What did she wish for? She wished for Dollywood.

And boy, I did a good job on that one. I got to say. Pretty good. Pretty good. She wished to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And then she came out and she was like pretending like she didn't want it. But that was just because she didn't want it. And that was a wish.

And she also wished for a leftover sandwich that someone had left in the refrigerator. She was like, I hope no one sees. I wish no one sees me when I take this leftover sandwich. You know, that makes me sick because she wished for Dollywood so she could have the play. You know, she's got, there's a big cemetery in Dollywood. And that's where all the previous Partons are here. Cemetery in Dollywood? No.

And they're unmarked, grived. Really? How many of the previous Partons died? Many of them. I said, I said it already! Well, I said most of them are still alive actually. I was confused, Peanut. I'm sorry.

I don't want this to wreck our friendship. That's fine. I'm everybody's friend. Am I still needed here? Yeah, Genie. Sorry. Why do I sound like I'm on a phone? I don't know.

But I get, you're magic. You can do whatever you want. It's sort of like I'm in the cloud is what I'm trying to convey here. The cloud? Yeah, the cloud. With all your data, with all your nudes, Cal. Come on, Genie. All right.

I got two wishes. Yeah, what's up? Now, these are wishes for my friend Peanut. Two wishes for another person? You're better man than I am. Oh, come on. I'm not a man, though. I'm a Genie.

You got me. All right. First, a color TV. One color TV? Yeah. Okay. Any specificity on the size or anything like that? Just something pretty bright because my eyeballs are getting dim.

Okay. Well, you can adjust the settings on normal TVs. There's a whole brightness like thing on there. You press buttons and stuff like that. Okay, but my wish is for you to do it. Well. Well, you don't have wishes, baby. Sorry, Genie.

She's new to the whole thing. She's new to the whole thing. I'll give you a little leeway on this. Now, I'll tell you this. The Genie does not do ironic wishes, but he does require specificity. Yeah. And also, I don't invent things that don't exist already. All right.

So, like, you're going to get a normal TV. That's true. But it has a brightness button on it, and that'll be good enough for you. Is that good, Peanut? Okay. Yeah. That's pretty good. All right.

Because, you know, I never had parents to give me Christmas gifts, so this will be the first kind of gift that Peanut's given me. Oh, no. That's so sad. That sounds like a real hard candy Christmas. And I'll even do, I know you would try to wish for something even though you don't have wishes of me to set it up for you and stuff like I'm part of the freaking geek squad or something.

But I'll turn the brightness way up on it. Thanks, Genie. Thank you. I appreciate it. Give her a break. I'll give her a break. She's fine. Where am I going to get this TV?

Fry's Electronics? The dry market, maybe? Okay. That's the Genie. I'm sorry. My bus is coming. This is going to cost me 1,300 bucks. Two and a half hours.

All right. Well, I'll get one for you. All right. All right. What do you want delivered? Oh, so I didn't realize there was more logistics. What do you want delivered? Oh, the television?

What are we freaking talking about here, baby? Well, I guess you could have it delivered to the dumpster out back of the science laboratory in Tennessee. Done and done. Where the CIA guys are? That's right. Okay, yeah. The one with the binoculars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dumpster with binoculars. Got it. All right. This is my final wish, Genie. Oh, my God. In this wish, I picked out specially for you, Peanut. It's a touching freaking moment here.

You guys are gazing deep into each other's eyes. That tick that I thought it was going to be. Yeah. It looked to me with a soulful mobilize. Yeah. No one's ever had a wish for me before except for, oh, Peanut, I wish you'd get lost because you didn't work out and you're not Dolly Parton. Those freaking deep dimples there.

These guys sounded so rude. I really wish we could have found stuff in that dumpster and closed them down. Guys, let's hurry this up. I haven't been talking a lot. Sorry. Let's start. We have to go to a break. Okay, sorry.

I thought you'd be impressed. It was a Genie here. Look, there are a lot of shit's happened over the years. Little people living in the walls and shit. So, oh, really? A little Genie isn't good enough for you. Okay. Genie, don't, don't, don't be too hard on him.

He has seen a lot of crazy stuff. Yeah. I've seen his nudes too. For freaking weirdo. Oh, okay. All right. This is my wish for you, Peanut. And I know you're, I know you're in a bad way and you could really use a break.

But, you know, I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but I do think this will be good for you. Genie, my wish is that Peanut be able to use an additional consonant when she sings. Wow. Um. Hopefully that gets you closer to the whole alphabet. Oh my goodness. Can I pick?

Oh. Can I pick the consonant? Oh, uh, hold on a second. I got to confer with my client. Peanut, what do you think? Any preference? Uh, I think Dailer's choice. I'm just happy to be here.

Oh boy. Well, Genie, it's, it's your decision. I'm going to pick. And Genie. Yeah. You're a nice guy, right? I'm a nice guy. Just like Don Rickles used to sing.

I love you. I love you too, Cal. I hope we can still hang out. Although to be honest, there's not really any reason for us to. It's like we're two people used to go to college together and then we get out of college and anytime we see each other, we just talk about our college friends. Yeah, that's too bad. You're my best friend.

You're my best friend too. I love you. But I'm never going to see you again after this. All right. So you know, I can already say D. D's, yeah. Uh, I'm going to give you a W. Okay.

I guess I'll try it. I feel, I feel a song burning up within me. Dowein, Dowein, Dowein, Dowein. That sounds really good. It sounds very close to Darlene. Dowein, Dowein, Dowein, Dowein, Dowein. Not bad. Do you think you could put them together?

Dwoo. Hey, I've done my job at Jeannie out. Bye, Jeannie. I'm going to miss you. Bye, Jeannie. Wow. Well, peanut. Amazing.

You can, you have another constant. No, I could probably get on stage and no one would know who's Darlene and who's Peanut. I mean, your dimples are so deep. I can see. And still not enough hair. I can see your skull. You could wear a wig. That's true.

Darlene wears a wig after all. She does? What? She wears a wig after what they made in the Petri dish of the wig actually and grows off her head. Next thing you're going to tell me that she wears a padded bra. No, she doesn't. No, she's perfect.

That's right. Okay. Look, we got to take a break. When we come back, this is exciting. Cal and Peanut, can you guys stick around? I have no way to go. Okay. Well, when we come back, we have a TV personality, an actual TV star.

This is exciting. We don't get most of those these days. You don't get most of those. You don't get most of them. We got one. Most would be half a million. But we got one. So very far off from most.

I guess it's a definition of what a TV personality is. Maybe there are probably millions of TV personalities. Mark DiCarlo from Studs? Sure. Why not? We'll see these days. All right. We're going to be right back with more comedy.

Do you have this? Comedy bang. Comedy bang bang. No, actually, I say that, Cal. I thought I would do it for you. Oh, thank you so much. That's so nice. But maybe you like saying it.

That was presumptuous of me. It's quite all right. You're like Jesus when he was carrying that guy on the beach. Which guy? Whoever, anonymous, whoever wrote that thing. No, the guy that wears the mask. Yeah, from B.P. from Deter Mask.

You know, actually, that poem was written about one of the previous partons, because I accidentally made an invisible one. Accidentally? Yes. Were they happy that they had cracked the secret of how to bend light into invisibility? No, because then he left and he did a bunch of assaults. Have you seen the movie Hollow Man? I did, yeah, with Kevin Bacon.

That was one degree. Oh, that was one of the partons and that was a mess up. Wow. Okay. Yeah, that's no good. He got invisible and went straight to sexual assault. I mean, I think they were trying to imply that the experiment had done something wrong to his brain.

I don't know. Honestly, anytime we made anybody invisible in the CIA, they always went to sexual assault. Really? Oops. Oh, no. I'm sure you can delete that, right, Scott, if any of you do. We're unable to, unfortunately. Please delete.

I don't think we can. Please delete? I'm already in a bad place with them. They're still mad. But they're not trying to assassinate you. They're not as mad as the CIA can get, right? No, they don't assassinate the little people. Like John F. Kennedy mad, you know?

Yeah. No, the CIA never assassinates anybody in the CIA. Oh, yeah, okay. Anybody else? Look out. Okay, interesting. Well, we have to get to... It is interesting.

That's interesting as well. And he's a TV personality. This is exciting. I don't recognize his name, but he'll be able to tell us what television show he's on. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Alan Stubbs. Hi, Alan. Thank you so much for having me. My name is Alan Stubbs.

Yeah. I'm here with Antiques Roadshow. Oh. We are in Los Angeles County. You're on the show Antiques Roadshow. I've seen that show. That's the show where... Well, it's a show where appraisers like myself...

You're an appraiser on the show. I'm an appraiser on the show. I wear a blue blazer and I have a badge. A badge? An appraiser's badge? I have an appraiser's badge. How often do people say, hey, I'm going to need to see the badge if you're going to appraise this for me?

They check the badge when we go on to the... It's usually a convention center or something like that. Do you mind if I see the badge? Because I'm... I doubt... I mean, not doubt, but I really want to just confirm that you are here. You want to see the badge? Yeah, I'd love to see the badge.

Is it something you have to carry with you at all times? It is something I have to carry with me at all times. If you're going to appraise? I'm not going to appraise anything. Oh, okay. Has it ever happened to you where you're out there and you're like, man, I wish I could appraise something, but I don't have the badge? I always keep the badge on me.

Oh, you do? Because I'm always ready to appraise. Even in the shower? Even in the shower. Okay. Because I mean... It's eliminated, probably. Yeah, exactly.

Is it a speeding ticket? Well, it has never gotten me out of a speeding ticket. Have you ever received a speeding ticket? I have received a speeding ticket. Okay, because I thought maybe you wouldn't know if it had gotten you out. What it has allowed me to do is to guess exactly how much the ticket is going to be for. Wow. And you do that by realizing how fast you were going and then multiplying it by the...

You know, thinking about the laws, praising how much of the speed limit I went on. Right, multiplying that by a factor. Yes. If you do it for the officer, then does that get you out of the ticket? Yeah. It does not get me out of the ticket, but the officer is usually pretty impressed. Okay, that's great. Can I see that badge, by the way?

Yeah, here you go. Okay, here we go. Oh, wow. I mean, that's an official appraiser's badge. It looks good. It is. It looks really shiny, by the way. Well...

The glare of it kind of got my eyes. Sorry. Yeah, move that a little... We should close the skylight, probably. Yeah, probably. I just love looking at all the smoke up there. I know. I love seeing that smoke.

One of these days, hopefully it'll be white smoke and then we'll know... Oh, a new pope. A new pope. Young pope. Is the building on fire? No, we're in hell. We don't need no water. Obviously.

And it must be nice to drive. I can't even drive because I don't have feet. But enjoy using your badge to get you out of all sorts of trouble. Everyone here with your working organs and everything going good for you. You stink like shit. Hey, harsh reviews, but tough but fair. Hey, so Alan, so you're on this television show. You appraise things.

What type of things? Because I've seen the show sort of where it's like... And it's baked into the title, Antique Roadshow. Where you're going out there to like people... Or people are bringing these things to you where it's like they find stuff in their garage. People bring stuff on the show that they have. Oh, right, Cal? Everything okay? I inhaled some water.

Oh, you inhaled? Oh, usually I would say drink some water to take care of that. But I mean, it's the thing that caused the problem. What do you do? Look, that's 22. Earth? I guess eat some grass. Wind would help a little bit.

Okay, that got it. That got it. Maybe it's the smoke. Yeah. So people usually... Sorry, to explain, our Smoker's Lounge is right there on the way. So it's right there by the way. I saw that.

It was really nice out there. It's sort of a throwback to an older time. Yeah, it really is. I mean, that's what it was meant to imply. It's just like a sort of loungy, like rat pack kind of vibe up there. Yeah. Oh, the rat pack. Lots of people come in bringing antiques related to things like the rat pack.

Really stuff that like Frank Sinatra has owned or touched or... Sometimes things he's touched. Sometimes... Just touched. Stuff that he's touched. Touched once? Or more than once? Well, stuff that he's touched, that's also 100 years old.

Oh, so I get it. Okay. So the Sinatra part of it isn't really anything more than just a curiosity factor. Yeah, the Sinatra part would make it a collector's item. It wouldn't necessarily make it an antique. Okay, what is an antique? Is there a certain age on it? So the traditional age for antiques is 100 years or older.

Although people are a little bit loose with that. Loose, depending on the item. Can I ask you when another year rolls around, like when 2022 rolled around, were all the people who owned stuff from 1922, were they all like, yes, we finally have antiques? There was a big flooding of the antique market of 1992 items. I don't know. Not 1992, but 22, yeah. But I would imagine January 1 is like...

It's a big day for operations. Huge day. Lots of stuff. New stuff. And you guys must be excited too. Oh, yeah. Because you're getting to see all this new stuff. We're getting to see all this new stuff and put numbers on it.

Yeah. Scott, what's up? I noticed that you're holding an interesting pen or a marker, some sort. Yeah. I have a whiteboard here. I write down people's names like yours, Alan Stubbs, so that I don't forget them. It's just kind of a dry erase marker. Scott, why don't you tell me a little bit about that marker?

How did it come into your possession? Oh, I mean, I guess possession is nine-tenths of the law. It's technically not mine. It would be the studio's property, but I am holding it. And I guess if I were to take it home, no one would really argue. But yeah, I was just kind of here on the dry erase board when I walked in. Wow. That's very interesting.

Is that good? Well, yeah. Is that good? Is that something that, I mean, are you trying to tell me that this is worth? I mean, it's not. Well, you're appraising it as we speak. I'm appraising the marker as we speak. It is?

I didn't even see it. I just realized that's what you're doing. I see it now. You're appraising this. I'm appraising it. What do you think? I mean, I wouldn't even think it's one year old. But actually, we haven't been in the studio for a couple of years, so maybe three.

So you don't know the age of it. No. You know, you got it from the studio. Do you know if the studio got it from a state sale, police auction, large sale gem? Wouldn't surprise me if they got it from a police auction, like a drug dealer. Are they going down there a lot to get stuff all the cheap? I mean, you know, with the budgets these days for podcasts, I would, and the amount of ads that certain podcasts don't get.

So it wouldn't surprise me, but I doubt it. I think it's probably just like from a save. What about having a Lisa mattresses? I know. Are they still around? Look, I'm a Saetva. How do you say their name again? I don't know.

They tell you how when you read that, and then you forget immediately. Boy, I wouldn't know. But we're a Saetva, Saetva family now. Okay. That's too bad because Lisa is one of the most beautiful names in the world. It is. Truly. Is there ever a Lisa Parton?

No. I think that name is too hot to be for a science experiment girl. Too hot. Too hot. Everyone knows Lisa is a notoriously hot name for hot girls only, who are only in their 20s and very hot. Yeah. Lisa Rena.

That's a good name. Lisa Rena, exactly. So, I mean, but do you think this is, I don't know the history of it. I don't know where the studio got it, but do you think, I mean, if I were to... Well, Scott, I'm going to tell you right now what it is. Oh, great. Why were you asking me all these questions if you know? Because that's what we do on the show.

Oh, drama. We like to ask people to give us a story about the items that they bring you. How was my story? Was it interesting at all? Oh, fascinating. Every story is fascinating to me because I already know the answer. Oh, fascinating how wrong I got it. Absolutely.

Okay. Well, tell me about that. Scott, that is a green expo marker. Dry erase. Low odor, it says on it. Does that have anything to do with what it is? Is that good? It's not about good or bad.

It's just about appraising the correct price. Okay. That is a low odor green expo marker manufactured in 2019. That is not an antique. Yeah, I didn't think it was. Okay. Well, I just wanted to make sure that you didn't have any ideas that you had an antique on your hands.

I don't even know. I don't even think they invented dry erase marker. I just thought you were asking me about it because it was a kind of rare type of marker or something like that. I saw it. I noticed it the way you were holding it. I was like, this seems like it might be precious to you. The way I'm holding it.

I'm holding it like I'm going to write something with it. Well, you're holding it like it's the most precious thing you've ever owned. I'm holding it like a marker. Anyone who will. You're holding it a little bit delicately. You're cradling it kind of. Okay, look. Is that what you do?

You just go around like to all your friends and you see whatever they're holding and you appraise it and tell them it's not worth anything getting their hopes up. That's a lot of what I've been doing lately. Really? Yes. What's been going on? I've been going around and making sure that people know that their stuff is just normal stuff.

Okay. Well, look, I mean, I realize it must get boring for you. There's only so many antiques in the world. Scott, it's not about boredom. What is it? What is it about? It's about past mistakes. Oh, no.

What happened, Alan Stubbs? There was a time when I wasn't always an honest appraiser. No, you were playing fast and loose just like whatever we were talking about earlier. I was playing fast and loose with the date rages of what constitutes an antique. I was playing fast and loose with whether or not celebrities touch something and whether or not that made something an antique. No, no. Why?

Why would you do it? Were you trying to look cool? Scott, it didn't start out that way. What did it start out as? From 2002 to 2007. Antiques for our show, myself included, which I was a part of systematically and deliberately overvalued the items that came on our show. Is that good?

Lisa? Peanut? She was just talking about Lisa. She was just talking about the mattress. The most beautiful day I've ever heard. Peanut, it was not good. Oh, no. I mean, when you appraise something, you're not paying them for it.

You're just telling them what you think it's worth and then they go out. I'm not paying for them. What do you know it is worth? Except in those cases, when I told them a number that I knew was wrong. And was higher than what it actually was worth. And so then they go out and they say, hey, this is worth this. And then what happens? And then they are humiliated.

Oh, the worst thing that can happen to a person. Scott, 15 years ago, I might have told you that that expo marker was worth $1,000. I don't know that I would have believed you necessarily. You would have taken that expo markers to a Sotheby's auction house to try to auction it off. And you would have been laughed out of the room. Yeah. And why would you do this? Because ratings.

Oh. You know, when I started appraising your marker and you started thinking maybe it was special. Yeah, you sort of tricked me and you got my hopes up and I really felt like maybe I was going to cash in. You had dollar signs in your eyes. I was about ready to end this podcast. I was like, the final episode. Wow. Here we go.

So you really fell for it. Yeah, I kind of did. Yeah, he got me. Well, we realized that if we just let people believe that what they had was worth something that they'd watched the show, that everybody would be. The people that you tricked would watch the show and it would add one more viewer to it. Is that what you're saying? People want to believe.

Well, everyone wants to see themselves on TV. I guess, but you could just tell them the truth and they would watch several of them. Well, if they found out this stuff was junk, they wouldn't watch the TV show. You think they wouldn't gather their friends and go like, look, we found out our stuff is junk, but look, we're on TV. This is cool, right? No, that's a good way to do it. Several of the people whose items we incorrectly appraised did become viewers of the show.

Scott, it was Mayhem. Yeah, I mean, I can tell from just the tenor of your voice. It's very exciting. With such regret. I don't know if you remember what we were up against back then. Ratings wise. Ratings wise, you probably have the American Idol show is out there, but I truly don't know. I mean, isn't Antiques Road show?

I almost said rodeo. People get that confused. People get it confused. Like an antique radio. Then I said radio. What's going on? We're saying words. We're saying words.

Hey, look, that should be the tagline of this podcast. We're saying words. We're saying words. But look, wasn't that a PBS show? Was it up against other PBS show? For our demographic, we were up against divorce court, which was really hitting its stride at that point. People were watching a lot of Seinfeld reruns and we just had to do something. Seinfeld had ended back in like 1998 or 1999.

It had just ended a few years earlier than that and people were really hitting the syndication sweet spot. Yeah, as we say in the biz. And we just had to do something to get people to watch. Okay. And so how much would you boost these up? Like by what kind of percentage wise or dollar amounts? How much? Well, that, for instance, that marker would probably...

Stop getting my hopes up. Is this marker worth something? This marker is... Watch the markup. The markup of that marker is zero. And I'm not going to get your... It's not worth anything. You could maybe get one dollar for it on Facebook.

If someone needed one? If someone needed one and they were looking for a marker... Like they were going to jam somehow and they were like, look, I'll give you a dollar for it. Yeah, they were like, I... I couldn't talk them up? I go, look, you need this and I don't need it. You might be able to talk them up, but that would be beyond the actual intrinsic value of the marker. Mr. Stubbs, I have a Petri dish that Dolly Parton pissed in.

You do? Why did she piss in the Petri dish? Have you ever been to the doctor, Scott? You have to piss in the Petri dish. I usually do it in a little plastic cup. Okay. Well, you're a big boy. Congratulations.

And they usually say, wait till midstream. That's the new thing they've sprung on me lately. Like, hey, wait a little bit before you get it. Because the first stuff comes out, it's just water. Well, is this a new thing? This is what it... Like suddenly I've been peeing in cups my entire life. And then suddenly my doctor, I'm there the other day and they go like...

And hey, wait till like, you got it going for a while before you put that in the cup. And I was like, is this new science that I don't know anything about? It's tough for me because it takes a long time to get out. Now we've had a lot of people come on the show with Dolly Parton related... Things she's touched. Things she's touched. She said that she pissed on this Petri dish. She pissed in it, to be sure.

She pissed in the Petri dish. Was this the Petri dish? I was listening earlier. It's the same Petri dish she was born in, yes. The same Petri dish she was born in. So it's got piss and a little bit of a tooth and a blood and a piece of hair. You can make a whole new Dolly from it. You can make a whole new Dolly from it.

A whole new young Dolly? Okay, perfect. Lock it up. With tits on her ass? This girl wants a baby Dolly. No, I won't allow it. I won't allow it. 20-year-old Dolly, whenever she got famous.

Even that's not great, Scott. What? I'm 29. Okay, well guys. I'm still in the window. Well, if you do, replicator, then you have to give us your word that you put her in the grow up fast microwave. Oh, you have one of those?

They are. We all went through it. Even gunk. So how old are you? Wow, dude. Is that why you think you're 80 when you're actually 76? I'm not very well because my brain's made of peanuts. I know.

So you're 80? Something like that. You were born before Dolly Parton, right? Oh, yeah, that's right because that was a previous parton. So that would make Dolly Parton's Petri dish less than 80 years old. Well, she's only 76 at the moment. She's 76. So her Petri dish was, how long was the incubation period?

Well, then they put her in the grow up fast microwaves. Let me do the math because they didn't want her to be baby. They wanted her to be hot girl already. So I think they whispered up to 16 and that was her first day of life. So she's actually 60? Is that what you're saying? No, 16. After the grow up fast microwave for the baby.

You're saying they took 16 years off of her life which would make her 60? No, she's 76. She's 70. Why are we arguing? I don't know. I love you, Scott. I love you too. I love you as a friend.

I love you as a friend. Anyways, I love you as a friend. What is the Petri dish worth? The Petri dish is not. And don't do it slow like that for suspects. Yeah, why don't you talk faster? We all know what you're going to say. You're going to say it's not worth anything.

Well, it's not an antique, first of all, because it's not 100 years old. Right. The Petri dish is old as hell. The Petri dish is actually made of leather. Now I would have known they got her a new one, but it's probably one they already had. That's right. It's the same one they've been using for a while and it's made of leather and it's from Victorian. So anything, no matter how commonplace it is, once it hits 100 years old, it's an antique?

If it's of good quality and has historical significance, that's the other portion of it. All right, but this sounds like it has historical significance. That's what I'm saying. A Petri dish. I mean, Dolly Parton was born in this. A leather Petri dish from the Victorian era that gave birth to Dolly Parton. And still has her blood and a tooth in it. And a hair.

And pee. It could go either way. A leather Petri dish. Well, tell us which way it is going to go. Well, I'm saying a leather Petri dish from the Victorian era. And area. And area. England.

No, it was actually British Columbia. Oh. Victoria, British Columbia. Oh, okay. Are you Canadian? Well, all of our sales are. Oh, okay. We got zipped into the microwave in Tennessee.

Got it, got it. For the accent as well. If it was just a Petri dish from the Victorian era slash area. God, speed this up. I am begging you. It would be an antique, whether or not Dolly Parton had anything to do with it. A note because it has. It's the pauses in between what you're saying too.

A regular. On the edge of my seat. Okay. I'm sorry. I have to explain all this because I can't. We don't have the Petri dish in front of us. I can't see it. If I could see it, I would appraise it immediately.

But the way you're appraising and I am picturing it in my mind. Yeah. So you're just a by sight guy. You can tell. I'm a by sight guy. I don't do appraisals over the phone. Very well. Oh, but you do do.

I do. But not well. Must have been a lot during quarantine. Yeah. Appraisals by zoom. Appraisals by zoom. And I had to make sure that they weren't like messing with the feed. Yeah.

You have laggy internet as well. I have very laggy internet. Yeah. That can be hard for appraising things. Yeah. You have dial up. Yeah. That's bad.

Why? Do you live in an area where you don't. I live in a. You don't have high speed. You don't have high speed. I live in a. Wait, are you a time traveler? No, I'm not a time traveler.

I just I haven't nothing about me has changed since 1996. Really? Yeah. So like your favorite band. My favorite band is. Blink 182. Okay. So they're early stuff.

They're early stuff. Before they sold out. Seeing their shows. Just their show. Right. Yeah. Yeah. When they were coming up.

Wow. So you're a real old school hardcore fan. I'm old school hardcore fan. Yeah. Wow. Okay. I notice you're wearing a Simpsons t-shirt. I've got a Simpsons t-shirt.

What were we talking about? I don't know. You were about to ask me that. We were talking about the Petri dish. We were talking about the Petri dish. So this is it's over a hundred years old. It's from the Victorian area and era. Now, if it were just a regular plastic Petri dish.

That was a hundred years old. Plastic. It would not. It would not necessarily have a. A. A. A. A.

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