Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - Zach Galifianakis, Edi Patterson, Andy Daly

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Movie star Zach Galifianakis joins Scott and guest co-host Bean Dip for a special episode of CBB in which Zach auditions for world traveler August Lindt’s pretzel based movie. Plus, August talks about his recent trip to Snake Island.

He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists his favorite weekend update anchor is Colin Joest. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Tater Trombone. Tater Trombone for that catchphrase submission and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition and very special show today. Coming up a little later we have a world traveler. That'll be exciting. We'll be talking to them about, I would imagine, destinations unknown to us at this point as the missing persons once said. But they will be known to us after we talk to them. And we also have a movie star coming up. Alright, that'll be great. And but first let's talk

to our good friend. She is the owner and proprietor of the W Hotel here in Los Angeles. And an entrepreneur of sorts. Well, let's welcome back to the show Bean Deb. Hello. Hey Scott. Oh, of sorts. Check yourself dog. Okay, I beg your pardon. I mean, when I say of sorts, I mean, I guess I mean to belittle you when I say that. Well, no, no doubt man. He could try all day. But hey, you know what they say, try all day to belittle me. You're going to circle yourself back around that track. That's a good point. Bean Deb, how are you? It's great to see you. Man, I'm great. Scott, the weather's nice. I feel delicious.

Everything's good. How are you self? I'm really good. It's the weather outside is not frightful. It's the opposite of that song today. It's very nice. It's a little crisp, is it not? A little crisp, but I enjoy that for, you know, that that's that's conducive for nudities. Oh, you like to be nude when it's a little Well, come on, man. Have we ever met? That's a good point. This, as a matter of fact, every single time you've been on the show previously, you've been in some state of undress. I don't know that I've ever mentioned this. Yeah. You know, usually I do just like a hole cut out the front of my pants. Yeah. Or just like

two holes in my shirt. But today we're going just T-shirt no pants. T-shirt no pants. The Winnie the Pooh. The Winnie the Pooh. Winnie Winnie. How have you been? Great song. I love it. What I love about a theme song is when they start to ask the characters how they've been and their state of mental well-being and yeah. That's a song they didn't use very much on Winnie the Pooh, but it's the best one if you know what I'm getting at. Who's your favorite Winnie the Pooh character? I would imagine we, who do we have to choose from? We have Brer Rabbit. Uh-huh. Brer Bear. Yeah. Uncle Remus. Tigger.

Yeah, that's right. The most wonderful thing about Tigger is he's the only one. He's the only one. That's right. You have Eor. Eor. I would just say that's my favorite because I wish I could fuck him up. Yeah. Oh, okay. But I thought you were going to end on fuck him. A lot of people think Eor is cute. I'm not one of them. You want to kick the shit out of him? I would love to kick the shit out of him and say, hey man, life is a gift. Quit being a bitch. Do you think that would work? Because I think getting the shit kicked out of me would make me hate life even more. Well, if I kick the shit out of him, he'll probably go off himself and I'll welcome it.

Eor, if you're listening right now, you bitch, please kill yourself today. KYS. I think we shorten it too nowadays. Yeah, KYS. In order to evade censorship. And we're not, we're not, please, Eor, if you are listening, Comedy Bang Bang, the show does not co-sign with us. Bean Dib is not an official co-host, but I want you to be the co-host today. Is that all right? Great, I'll be the co-host today. Scott, I would love to. I do. We have a movie star on the show. What's your favorite movie of all time? My favorite movie of all time is probably To Kill a Rockin' Boat. Oh, really? What do you love? That's just a compelling drama. What do you love about that film? Well, I love that little girl.

She's like, real, like, feral. She's skinny. She's always running around. She's got the name of, like, a military officer. Yeah, what is it again? It's Scout. Is that what it is? Yeah, Scout. Very good, Scott. You don't need to make fun of me just because I was, I know it's a popular book. You have Boo Radley. You have Scout. Boo, you got Boo Radley. You got Scout. You got the main dude. Yeah, Atticus Finch. Atticus Finch. That's right, which it's weird to have a book, like, it's to kill a mockingbird. And you're like, oh my god, they're going to kill this guy named Mockingbird. And then you see the main character. His name is Finch. Yeah, and then you're like, well, I guess everybody's safe in this world. Are they going to kill this guy too? I don't know.

That's a strange book. Let's hope not. Hey, not everybody's a metaphor for a bird. What are the best metaphors for birds in literature that we get? Best metaphors for birds in literature. Hey, that airplane looks like a bird. That's a great one. Okay. That's from the Bible, right? That's from the Bible. Leviticus 5477. Also, the best metaphor for birds in nature is, oh, that hawk looks like a predator. And I do mean the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Oh, okay, right. Because there's three kinds of predators. There's the animal kinds that prey is upon lesser beings. That's why there's the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. And then there's the Tecacha predator. And there's the Tecacha predator. The human kind, the worst kind of

predator. The worst kind. The kind that gets wide-coolers. Although, if I were in like a basement, I would rather be in the basement with the third kind, the Tecacha predator kind, rather than the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. I'm going for Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. You want to be in a basement, trapped in a basement with that guy? Yes. Or girl, I'm sure there are female predators. Female predators and boy predators are easy for me to kill. They are a cinch. Tecacha predator? That's a mind game. I'm not trying to play. Wonderful. Being diff is here. I'm not trying to go in that basement dress like a 13-year-old. Say like, woo-hoo. You're wearing a t-shirt and no pants right now. I know, but I'm not trying to

put on like a 13-year-old dress. Start playing around with my iPhone. Go like, I'm 13. Come closer. I'm not trying to play that game. I'd rather fight the predator. You'd rather fight the dreadlocked predator himself? Yes. The invisible sometimes, not sometimes. The one who can see me when I can't see it, that's a cinch for me. Heat vision. Is that what it is? Or heat seeking? Or what is it? Thermal vision? Heat seeking thermal ultraviolet. When you say heat vision, I guess it implies like a superman, like you can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. But a predator cannot do that. Thank God. Otherwise, the human race would just be wasted. Well, nobody would be here. You're exactly right.

And it's dumb that you suggested that. Did you hear that ding? Yes. I thought that was inside of my own head. No. Conversely, now the setup I have hooked through my computer, if I ever get a text message, now suddenly we hear it on the show. Wow. Cool. Cool setup, man. I guess I could just not say anything about it and then edit it out in post. But unfortunately, our editing budget we're overdrawn. Ding, ding, your sandwich is here. Beamedip, we have a movie star. Do you want to talk to him? Yes, I would love to talk to him. You know him from such movies as the, I'm trying to think of that one where you gave me the Blu-ray of it once. The one where it's like a stitch in time. No, what is it? Wrinkle in time.

Wrinkle in time. Oh, God. It's like getting a text from our guest here. Can I talk now? Yeah, it's his test. You know him from a wrinkle in time. You were, yeah, you were in that movie. No, I'm, the look on my face is that, did I really give you a DVD of it? Oh, it was a Blu-ray. It was a little higher quality. Yeah. Why? Because I think you got sent like your, I think in your contract, because I've had these contracts too, where it says like, if the movie gets made, you will be given 10 DVDs of the movie. And I think they sent you your 10 Blu-rays of a wrinkle in time. And you said, Hey, I got a present for you. I need to get that back. Oh, yeah. No, I definitely still have it. You know him from the hangover. You know him from,

God, I'm trying to think of anything post the movie we put out that you've done, and I am coming up short. I don't think I've done nothing. I don't think so. Okay. The Between Two Ferns movie. You know, the last thing I did. Wow. You are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You had a big part. Yeah, I remember it now, but I think that's the last thing I did. That was pre-pandemic in the world change. Yeah. And then the hierarchy of the DC universe suddenly shifted. What does that mean? Never mind. Blackout. Please welcome Zach Alfinakis. Hey, Zach. Thanks. Talk more into the mic, if you're good. Oh, would that be all right? Yeah, you got to get real close on it. Okay. Yeah, wonderful. How's that? This is Bean Dip, by the way. Hi, beans. Hi, Zach. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. I love you guys. Your heads are going off again. Another guest is saying, may I suggest the Do Not Disturb feature on your Mac? I don't know how to turn it on. Can you text me that? Yeah, no problem. That's a future guest. In character? I don't know what you mean by that. I mean, I don't know. August, how do you do this? What do you mean? Okay, upper right hand corner of the screen. There's going to be like two ovals. Two ovals? Oh, yeah, yeah, got it. Click on that ovals. Yeah. That's like a standby circle, Scott. Okay, got it. Yeah. And now you see the options of you because they do not disturb for one hour. No, I don't see it. Or longer than that. On sound? No, I shouldn't say, I'm going to have to walk over there. Oh, my gosh. This is a far

walk. This is it. Oh, yeah. Can you just shut the laptop? Whoops. Focus. Oh, it's under focus. Okay, we didn't say under focus. Okay, there we go. Do not disturb. Thank you so much. August Lynch is here, by the way, when I mentioned the world traveler. Hey, August. I'm here, but right now, just for tech support. Are you sure? You don't want to talk to Zach? I'm happy to, but I do have any questions about being a movie star? I don't have, let's see, no. I don't have any. You don't have any about being a movie star? Have you ever wanted to be in a movie? Well, I've had lots of ideas for movies, you know. What are your ideas? Well, you know, I work in a pretzel factory in Dusseldorf. And there's

millions of things that happened all the time. They've always said, this should be a movie. This is so funny and so dramatic. Give us one example. Well, we had a guy who worked there his whole life from when he was a child. He worked there from when he was five years old. And that's because the salt on the pretzels is very tiny and you need tiny fingers in order to pick it up. Yes, he began as a salt picker. And then, of course, they realized, well, there's tools that are, you know, you know what I mean? Yeah, needle nose pliers and the like. Something like that or what you call it when you got to take out a splinter. Twasers. Fine. So, but anyway, in the early days, they could only use the fingers of a child.

But he eventually came to a point where he had worked all his life. He was coming up on a hundred years old. And one day he fell into the machine and he became pretzels. It was amazing to think that all his life was devoted to the making of pretzels. And then he became ready for him to become the thing. What a perfect way for him to die now and funny. Very funny. Very funny. And poetic and beautiful. Wait, is this your idea for a movie? Yeah. And I think it's like kind of a Holland's Opus. Do you see the Mr. Holland's Opus? Yeah. I thought you were going to say Holland Oats. But it's a Holland's Opus. You could put Holland Oats all over the soundtrack if you want to make a million dollar.

But I think movies need to make a little bit more than that these days. I'm not sure. Well, it depends what it costs, right? Okay. You could get the factory for free. I think Mr. Schmeiderberg would be thrilled to have it. Okay. Yeah, we'll do it. We're on our way. But there's a Holland's Opus, which is like, you know, number one movie of all times. Yeah. It follows the guy's life all the way up until the big ending when we finally get to see his beautiful piece of music. His terrible, terrible song. No, no, no. It was Wanda. It's very popular. That song is very popular in Germany. Oh, is it really? Mr. Holland's Opus composition. And I mentioned this when we covered the film on Scott hasn't seen recently.

It sounds like something that would be underscoring a sports montage. And you'd hear an announcer saying, Michael Jordan scored 86 points on this particular game. You're talking about something Mr. Holland worked on his whole life. I'm saying he wasted his life. No, he didn't waste his life. By the way, it was five minutes. The guy's been working for 30 years on a five minute song. Scott is a bad music. That is very rude. It's incredibly rude. But that's why it's perfect. Every minute of it is 100%. Zach, what do you think? Well, I'm really wanting to go back to the, the, so he got, he got made into pretzels. Yeah. He fell into the machine where all the ingredients

are combined and became one of the ingredients. How many? How many? One giant one or, or a bunch of tinier pretzels? Well, we don't know for certain, but not one giant one. No, he became, he was one of the pretzels. But were they bagged and sold? Oh, yes. They were bagged and sold. And, uh, but we don't know how many of pretzels, because you can kind of taste, like this one is a little gamey. And that would be, maybe some of them is still in there. Wow. It's impossible really to say, to know that for sure, you would have to empty out the machine and clean it. And that would be, yeah, that's, of course, prohibitive. That's what happened to that guy, Wetzel. Is it really? Yeah. He, that's where they get the name because it was, it was

Oh, so Wetzel is a pretzel. Oh, it was just shortened to Wetzel's pretzel. Damn, that's a man named Wetzel who became his own pretzel. You would think they came up with it because it rhymed, but no. The apostrophe is taking out the, the I, Wetzel I is a pretzel. And just turned into Wetzel. Wetzel is pretzel. Oh, wow. Interesting. I'm not surprised. What do you think is it for a movie for this? Would you, is this the type of character that you'd like to play, Zach? Well, uh, kind of, I'm really intrigued by it. Uh, if I could just ask August a couple more questions and you think it's a comedy or do you think it's kind of a tonally? Well, I mean, this guy's life sounded really funny. Yeah. There's lots of funny things. Is it a

German comedy or is it? What do you mean? Comedy is comedy around the world. It doesn't matter. Let me throw a movie out to you. Schindler's List. Very funny. When you think about the moment when the Ray Fiennes is looking at his fat belly in the mirror, people all over the world would laugh at that. Yeah, man. It's funny, right? It's hilarious. You're like, Hey man, get your belly back here. Put your shirt back on you crazy Nazi. Crazy Nazi. Funny. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a millions of jokes in that movie, but so is it a strict 100% comedy? I mean, yeah. Maybe. Yes. Yes. But it's hard to say. Some movies like blurred the line. Usually when someone asks themselves a question like that, a rhetorical sort of quote, is it a strict 100? They usually

say, well, no, but you say, is this a 100% comedy? Yeah. I mean, it's 100% like Mr. Bean funny. Yeah. I would say. I love it. But this movie, I think could blur the line a little bit because there's all the pesos. There's all the... But you said it was 100% funny. It's going to be real funny, but part of the funny... How do you stick pesos in, dude? So that would make it like 103% Maybe I don't know what word pesos is. Oh yeah. What does that mean to you? It's like, well, because part of what's funny, but also maybe it makes you think about it was that he was always going to take a vacation and he kept saying, maybe now I take my vacation. Can I please take my vacation? And he never did. So stupid. Stupid man. He's very stupid. Yeah. And that's something

that you don't have a problem with. You take your vacation all the time. Always. I'm always taken How long of a vacation do you get there? Well, it changes year to year based on the factory. This year, unfortunately, I'm only going to get eight and a half months of vacation. I'm so sorry. From the factory, but I'll make do with what I have, you know. So you have to work three and a half months this year? Not all three and a half months of that is work. Some of it there's about a month long retreat. Like a corporate retreat? A corporate retreat, yeah. With trust falls and stuff like that? Well, Duhlmenschmeidelberg has instituted something called the distrust fall, which is it's just an exercise there. What you do is just stand up on

a high thing, right? How high? It's going to be. As a method man and red man once said. I'll try to convert it into feet the way you use in this country. You can do it in meters, if you like. I could do it in meters. Well, it's going to be like 30 meters. Oh, that's too high. How much is that in feet? 90. About 90 feet? Yeah, about 90 feet. Then maybe it's like about that. So you're sticking to it. I think so. And you're going to, what you do is close your eyes and turn around to your back is facing everybody and they all make like a lock their arms. Like almost like a parachute of arms. Sort of like that. Yeah. And then in, you count to 30 and in that time they scatter. Well, and then you fall. And then you fall 90 feet. I think so. I'm not great with distances,

but it's about nine. How far away do you think I am from you right now? You right now it's like one football field. No, we're across the table from each other. How far would you say this table is? It's not a football field to tell you that. It's two meters. Two meters? Yeah. If this is two meters, then the fall at the distrust fall is probably about 30 meters. If this is two meters, then I'm the president. Thank you. Yes, exactly. We need t-shirts to say this. Well, this is wonderful. I think this is a go picture, Zach. What do you think? What would the name be? Do you have a name or is there a script or anything? Well, his name was Hans. And so I was just thinking of calling it Hans's opus. But it seems like you're drawing a lot from a previous

movie that you're taking inspiration from. Can I make one casting suggestion of Rachel Dreyfus for the lead role? Rachel. Rachel. Rachel Dreyfus? Rachel Dreyfus. Oh, okay. Your accent, it sounds like you said Rachel. Oh, no, I would never put Rachel Dreyfus in a movie. Can I ask you one thing for Zach? I'll just, we'll be his agent in just four minutes. Yeah, it's intermediary. Are you going to be Rachel Dreyfus's agent? Well, yeah. Let me be Rachel Dreyfus's agent. Why did you negotiate on Jaws? I mean, it was a big part, but it was early in his career. Well, I got Rachel paid on that shit. Okay, all right. Anyway, what you got to say? Well, she's not really, that's bean bug, you know, that she's playing a part. Bean dip. Bean dip.

She's playing a part. That's not really, she's not really, no. No, she's, but she's acting as Zach's right now. Because Zach, Zach is- Oh, you're being Zach's agent. I'm being Zach's agent. And then I just was like, okay, Rachel's agent too. But if Zach's going to do this movie, it's hard to say Hansa's opus. That's hard. It's hard for Zach to say. She's trying to protect her client. Hansa's opus is a hard, that's a hard sell. That's hard for him. Let me hear him say it. Hansa's opus. To me, it sounds musical. It's beautiful in the ear, but I'm saying it's difficult for you to say it. Well, I think that's, I mean, there's other reasons that, I mean, there's other things we should talk about rather than just- Yeah, but let me just say good news. It's very

unusual that the lead or that actor in a movie has to say the title of the movie. By the way, I don't think you can be the lead actor. You think he's what? He's too- It's gotta be Trifor. Trifor is getting up there in years at this point. But I don't even know if he is an active actor at this point. Sometimes I see him on Twitter. Yeah, watch it. Why couldn't I play him? I mean, well, this thing is the story has to follow him from a baby just about all the way to like a 95 year old man. And to me, Trifor's- He can do both. He looks like both of those things. What I like about Mr. Holodophis is it starts and I'm like, oh, interesting. So here's a 45 year old man. What situation is he in? And then it comes out that he's 20. That's what I'm saying. He can do

anything. He can be any age. Look, August, my client Zach has already prepared a monologue from Holodophis. What? That's amazing. So you better cast him instead of Michael. Well, listen, I mean, I have to consider him for the lead. You know, I would say- Do you want to have an audition right now? I think it'd be a good idea. Yeah, I mean, if you're serious, you want to show me that you're serious and you want to part. Do you have a scene that he could act out or something like that? I thought he was going to do a monologue. You know, can you do the monologue from the moment? Like right before he falls into the presence when he's talking about all of his future plans. Of taking the vacation and- Yeah, exactly. Or whatever. I can't- I would have to

work on it a little bit with the voice because I'm not very good with German accents. Oh, yeah. Is he German? But? Yes, he was German all his life in Düsseldorf. Yeah, but he didn't have an accent. He just talked like Düsseldorf. I know, but are you saying is it a German language film? Would you need to be German or would you- Yeah, do you exactly need to be fluent in German? Yeah, I think so. I think it's like Das Boot. Okay. The boat is what that translates to. Maybe. But I think it's like that. Oh, and then we saw Das Boot. The submarine movie? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. And that's kind of like how it feels at the Schmeiderberg pretzel factory. It was originally designed only to have like five guys in there. And now we've got like a factory floor of hundreds.

So it is very small. Yeah. How would you be with like an East Texas accent with- Because not to- I mean, my agent. I mean- Maybe a gender swap as well. Oh, a gender swap movie. When they remade the Das Boot and they called it the boat, who did they put in that movie? They never remade it. They just called it the boat. Or they didn't remake it? I don't think so. I think they put it- Yeah, I think you're right. Butler. Oh, you're right. Butler was there. The Butler did it. Oh, the Butler did it. All right. Listen, I'll tell you what. It can be untraditional. You can be whatever. You can be East Texas or something, I suppose. Yeah, B&B, do you want to try the monologue here? Look, man, I don't give a shit. I'm just trying

to get jobs for my client. Okay, but I'm saying you have an opportunity here. I have a really remarkable job here working at the pretzel factory. Oh my God, that's great so far. I love the people that I work with. Oh, he did. He did. That's true. Okay, so far so good. It's so good so far. Am I supposed to comment after I have very five? You can. Easy to please. What a wonderful job. That's exactly how I'm thrilled. It's uncanny. Let me just have my one pretzel for the day. I just want to have one. That's him falling into it. Oh, that's wonderful. Wow. Wow, that was fantastic.

Powerful stuff. August, what do you think? I mean, this is... I mean, that was pretty fantastic. Yeah, I think a few more auditions. Oh, a first act to do, like more callbacks? Or you're looking at other actors? Well, of course. Look, you understand we have to try Dreyfus, but if he says no, you know, we'd have a couple more callbacks for you. Do you think Dreyfus is going to want to solely the legacy of Mr. Holland's opus by doing a movie called Hans's Opus? About a guy who turns into a pretzel? Well, what I do think is that it would have to become a trilogy. Is this like part of the opus verse? That's what I'm saying. He's have to do at least one more opus.

Before he can rest. When you say that, you mean die? Yeah, I think Dreyfus is ready to rest, but first he must do two more opuses. This is not a good pitch for Dreyfus, by the way. Look, I know you're ready to die. This is what I'm going to say to his agent. Before he can lie down, before he can rest. In the eternal slumber. In the eternal slumbers of which he has so richly deserved. He must do this film. Oh, God, I got to put out this episode as soon as possible. It's a curse, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I want to beat the curse. Okay. I don't know. I don't know, Zach. What do you think?

About what? You want to do this film? I'm a little, I mean, I guess I want to see what Dreyfus, I mean, if you really want Richard Dreyfus to do it, I couldn't stand it. Here's a pitch. I have a pitch, and maybe I should go through Binda for this. Okay, go after me. Dreyfus, obviously, is the right choice for this film. You sold me on this, but Zach really wants it, and he's hungry, and he gave a great audition. Great. All true. Everything you've said so far is not a lie. They've never done this in a movie before. Two characters playing the same part, alternating scenes. OMG. Okay, that's very interesting. This is magic.

Because here's what you could do. You could have Dreyfus play Hans as a baby. And that's an old man, as a slightly younger old man. I'm confused. If he's turned into a pretzel, is it like a pretzel, like a pretzel, old man? Meaning, if he starts out as a human, he falls into the vat at the pretzel factory. Right. What Zach is asking is, did he fall into the pretzel and become a pretzel as a middle-aged man, and then he becomes an old man as a pretzel and ages as the pretzel, or was he an old man when he fell into the vat? Did he die in the vat? We believe he died in the vat. He was an old man when he fell into the pretzel. The story is only interesting,

because he's fallen into the vat. You think that's a first act thing. That's the insight into this. What's the point? Well, it could be a flashback, right? So it's like a good fella. You start as he's fallen into the pretzel, and then you say 95 years earlier. Zach disagrees. He thinks the only thing that's interesting about this film is post-falling into the vat. So yeah, this is like a page 10. The way you started the pitch was that I thought there was going to be a lot of story after he became a pretzel. Well, what I believe is that his consciousness ended when he became the pretzel. I don't know that for certain, but that's what I believe.

If you started off as a dust boot thing, but it's slowly, I mean, with the live action and everything, but when he becomes a bagged pretzel, maybe he's, maybe that's, maybe a more of a pick turns into a Pixar thing. Yeah. And that way Zach wouldn't have to actually go to a place to film it. That's very interesting. Oh, I didn't think of that. That's that. Yeah, we should, the whole movie should probably be animated. Yeah. Now that I think about it. Then Zach could be the voice, okay, how about this? He starts into pretzels, then he's a guy in a store, but he has a mustache. He buys a bag of pretzels and he is eating, that got haunts, but now he's Friedrich. Yes. Now we follow him. Whoever eats the pretzel becomes

the person who became the pretzel. Who was Friedrich? Friedrich's a guy in the store, buying pretzels. Okay. Wait, and he becomes Friedrich? No. He eats haunts pretzels and then you go, oh, I guess this movie follows this guy now. Friedrich goes home to his family. He has a nice wife. Oh, it follows the story of everyone who eats the haunts pretzels. That's a fascinating idea for a story. And Zach plays all of them who buy the pretzels and imbibe them. Can you play, because he was probably made into a couple thousand pretzels. Can you play, do you have that kind of range? And it would be specifically like 2,000 German people. Yeah. So you're saying that the story really picks up when people eat the pretzels and we follow those. And they become,

no, they don't become anything. Well, their lives become magic though. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, their lives. They're like magic pretzels. Yeah. I feel like it's veering off into a whole different thing. No, we like this now. But don't you want to stick with the... No, August is in. Listen, whatever can bring Hans's story to the people. Well, this isn't Hans's story to the people. That's my point is you're getting away from Hans. This is his legacy though. This is what Hans would be happy with. But I assume at least you would see the scene of him falling into the vat. No, that's the important thing. My issue is what happens after that. What do you think happens after that? Well, I don't think people eat them and they become magic.

Why not? Well, hey, well, my client says it goes. Wait, what do you... I thought you were going to base this in truth. Did you want this to be like a biopic? Of course I did. But it seems to have gone away from that. Yes, I wanted to... This is the process. This is the movie making process. I wanted to be as accurate to real life as Mr. Holland's opus. That was my original plan. Listen, everything that they are suggesting is stuff that we can't say for certain it didn't happen. Can I just add some more specific... Is it a twisted pretzel? Is it a straight stick pretzel? These are good questions. I don't know that I've ever even asked you this, August. What kind of pretzels do you make? We make a pretzel rod and we do make the pretzel sticks. But I was picturing

of course a classic pretzel shape. So you make both types at the factory? Yeah, we do. Wow. Like a sideways and symbol. But what people don't know is you first we make the classic pretzel shape pretzel, we cook it and then it is straightened out into the rod if you want to get a rod pretzel. Wait, so that seems like it's a step, one step too many. It's the way it has always been done. So anytime people are eating the stick, the straight stick pretzels, they started as the twisty pretzels and then they had to undo them? Yes, which takes a long... You can only put like a... What if it's an origin story of pretzels? What if we kind of make Hans kind of the pretzel inventor, the inventor of the pretzel? I mean, this would be like going back to the

Middle Ages. Well, I don't know what pretzels first. Yeah, I mean, well, I mean, if anyone knows, August does. Of course. Yeah, what was the first year? In the Middle Ages, it was like a 200 AD or something like that. So approximately 200 years after Jesus Christ? Round about that. Wow. So Jesus Christ, everything, the manger, cut to, him up on the cross. Do you think you do that in the movie? Sure, why not? I mean, Ben Hurst started this way. Just to place it in time. Yeah, okay. So and then smash cut to 200 years later, guy gets an idea. Does he get an idea or is it an accident like penicillin? Oh, I think it was an accident, yeah. Was it really? Okay. So what was he trying to do? Do you remember? He, I think, was trying to fry a rock.

Whoa, I did not expect this. And he accidentally put bread into the, I guess, a pan? I guess so. They didn't have deep fryers back then, right? I don't know how they were frying things in the year 200, but it was the technology of frying something was made up, right, to boil something in oils. Yes. Yes. Okay, to come up with that. And then they was trying to say, what can we do with it? So they just were throwing everything in there. They thought it as, initially it was weapons. What? Spears. Yeah, of course. Everything. Trying to eat them? No, just to make them know they were more effective as weapons. Any, every innovation starts as weapons. This is a good question. If you fried a spear, and then like you were in the middle of a battle and you threw it,

you would hurt more, right? Yes. I know from experience. From experience? Yes. I did, I did fry a spear once and had it in my house just in case somebody tried to come in. Yeah. We have a baseball bat for that. So I know exactly. You had a full spear. I got a fried-ass spear, home invasion. Breaded, fried? Started to have it. Yep, breaded. And the other thing is, is if a home invader comes and sees a big breaded thing goes, oh, cheese sticks and then bites into a spear. Exactly. They've done your job for you. They did their job for you. What are you boiling or heating the spear up in? Yeah, that's gotta be a deep fryer. That's a great question. What I did was I got pieces, pieces of spear. Like a trough? Yeah. Not a trough for me. I tried to own a trough. Like the men's restroom

at the cat in the fiddle, remember when that was just a trough? Boy, that was great. I love trough toilets. I love trough toilets. You love them. Yeah. Not for urinating. That's full commutative. Okay, I do a number two in a trough. That's funny how all these guys are just peeing. Well, August, I think... One of you's gonna sit down? August, I think we have a dynamite movie here. Starts with Jesus Christ, cut to 200 years later, man accidentally throws bread into the fryer. Yeah. And twists it around, I guess, as he does it. Yeah. Because he's trying to get it out of there. No, that doesn't belong, and he accidentally twists it up. Yeah, and he ends up frying his own fingers. It was terrible,

I'm sure. Oh, yes. How about this? Yeah. This is the preview for the movie. The guy throws a block in the fire, a little bit of bread gets in. He looks straight into the camera and goes, don't get it twisted. Yes. And that's the merchandise, the t-shirts. That's the tagline. I think calling it twisted, call the movie twisted. Twisted. Oh, that's a great idea. How about Twister? Twister. Call it Twister. Yes. We've got sisters. That's for the movie. We've got sisters, yes. Another great tagline. That's from the movie Twister. Twister had sisters? Yeah, there's two tornadoes. We've got sisters. How about the ending of that movie? I haven't seen it since opening day. You haven't seen that one? I haven't seen it since opening

day. Mr. Holland Doppers has such a great ending. It builds up all this time to when he gets to premiere his music. And then he gets fired. I don't remember that, but likewise. He gets laid off. Twister. And as a consolation prize, they go, go ahead and play your dumb song. All of the action of the movie Twister is building up to them putting ping-pong balls inside of a Twister that shows them the shape of a cyclone. Finally. Is it really? That's what everything is building. They risk their lives to throw ping-pong balls in a Twister. Not literal ping-pong balls, but like communicating sentient digital balls. They weren't sentient balls. Alien balls. That's going to tell a computer what shape a tornado is. Wow. It's like a,

it's one of these. I'm doing it with my finger right now. Yeah, but like we all turned out to be, but we all knew it was going to be, but they didn't know that. I don't mean to, our pretzels, is that a international food? I mean, if we, if we try to sell this film and in other markets, are they going to be confused by the, can we sell it to China as a wet sack? Yeah, I guess I can say that. Or other parts of the world. Zach really wants to protect China. Yeah. Well, look, well, I don't, I like the government of China. Yeah. Let's make that clear. Not the people so much. He loves the government. They're doing great stuff over there. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's got a soft spot and it's hot

for the government of China. They're great guys over there. But here's where you've asked the question because, um, and okay, to be perfectly honest, can we do, instead of pretzels, could we say do, uh, which more, which hot, hot dogs? I don't know. Hot dogs? Yeah, maybe hot dogs. We do hot. Well, he turns into a hot, well, we don't want to say, by the way, we don't want to say, we don't want to say the thing about, no, no, don't say even that word. We don't want to, we don't want to, we don't want to summon a particular person. If we say a certain few words that include the words hot dog, it will summon a certain person. We don't want to do that. I cannot even fathom what we're going with this. That's good. Good. Good. I mean, I just

to put it on the table, I do, because we don't want you saying it. So I'm glad you can't fathom. I do have a little bit of concern about the appeal of just the pretzel. Well, okay, let me address your, so you don't think the pretzels, I mean, it's in, take me out to the ballgame. Buy me some peanuts. Oh, no, that's peanuts. Yeah. And cracker jacks. I don't think you don't see a lot of pretzels outside of Germany or the United States, maybe Austria. Well, that is the secret purpose of this family. This is the reason that I say, you want to, you want to advertise every challenge that I've brought up to you seem that you've had a really long premeditated thought about, so you have an explanation of why, well, of course,

this is his, I mean, it's not your life's work. Well, as a matter of fact, just a random question we asked you earlier in the show that you seem to have a lot of information. Yeah, I do. I did not want to reveal this about this project that it's really, it's, it's a marketing, the marketing ploy for pretzels by the pretzel council. The idea is that the movie is going to be such a big hit in China that China's going to say, how can we get our hands on this pretzels? How can we get our Chinese hands on this pretzels? They just call them hands. No, I believe in Chinese, the word for hands, it translates into Chinese. Oh, does it really? Okay. Why don't they use pretzels as chopsticks? Great. Because when you're done, see, this is

the thing, every time I go to a Chinese restaurant, it's like, first of all, forks exist. We can just use those. But if you're forced to use chopsticks, I want to eat it afterwards. Oh, eat the chopsticks, make them pretzels. Such a good idea. That is a good idea. While you're at it, make straws, food. Yes, pretzel chopstick would stand up to a Sichuan noodle. Yes, I think so. I think the way Düsseldorf makes them, right? You know what else they should do? They should make those fortune cookies edible. No, those are edible. They are. They don't taste very good. That's true. But hey, look, anything is edible if you eat it. Panties. Panties. Even the non-edible kinds are edible. We got sisters. Okay, look, we do have sisters. We have to take a break. We have to take a break.

When we come back, August, I want to talk to you about what you're actually here to talk about. Is that okay? The do not disturb feature on demand. No, you're not here just for tech support. I appreciate you coming by. We're going to take a break. We're going to come right back. We have more Zach Alfinakis, more BeanDip, more August Linn. We'll be right back with more comedy bang back after this. January, February, March, April, May, as Wyclef once said. It's crazy how fast the year goes, doesn't it? Especially. And sometimes only if you're a business owner, right? You know, you got to plan your year early to maximize the use of your time and make the most of it, right? Well, 2023 is already well underway. Don't wait any longer to level up your small business

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your business up for success when you get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up with Promo Code Bang Bang for a special offer. Ooh, this offer is so special. That includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments, no contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, enter code Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. We are back here. Zach Alfenakis is here of baskets. That was a show you did. Okay. Yeah. And that was on FX. Sure enough. And people can still see it, I'm sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not really sure. Are you looking at me? How would I know that? Because you're interested in the work you put out? Yeah, but that was a few years ago.

So what's the expiration date on you being interested in something that you've created? Right when they say cut. I'm ready to move on. We also have BeanDip is here. BeanDip. Hi Scott. It's so great to have you here. It's all great to be here, man. I feel great. BeanDip, you've been one of the judges on the entrepreneur's entrepreneur tour recently. Yeah. I had a really clamped down on some business. Yeah. Yeah, you're great on that. Right. Thanks, man. People need to learn to pitch their ideas, better because then we'll get rich. That's right. Rich like you. Do you have a billion yet or are you still just a millionaire? Easy bill. Easy bill. Yeah. Incredible.

Easy bill. We also have August Lint is here. And he's from, what town is it? Dusseldorf. Dusseldorf. But what's, oh, Snyte, no, I was, I thought it was Dussel something pretzel factory. It's Schneiderberg. It's the Schneiderberg. Schneiderberg. That's right. We have talked to you so many times over the past decade and plus. Yeah. No, I'm used to you not remembering basic things about my biography. I have so many different people coming in here all the time. I can only imagine. Whereas I am just me. That's true. I did want to ask you what has been going on because you're obviously in your eight and a half month vacation period right now. You're touring the United States right now.

I know. I have only just zipped up here from my real destination where I was and I thought, oh, this is close to Scott's Arkham and I'll drop in on that guy. That's so nice. Yeah. Welcome. I'll tell you where I was. Have you ever heard of Snake Island? Well, let's see. I've heard of snakes. I am. Right. Okay. I've heard of Gilligan's Island. It's like that. But instead of a professor and a movie star and a millionaire, it's nothing but snakes. Marianne is still there though, right? No, she can't even be there. Just snakes. There's nothing on this island but snakes.

This is a real place. It's off the coast of Brazil and it is, it is infested with venomous snakes and that's all that's there. Infested. Meaning that they didn't used to be there and then they all kind of appeared? Or if you really want to know what happened was it used to be part of Brazil, but then it became the way that land does that. An island. It just kind of like was like, hey. Yeah, we're going over here. Going over here now. And it was all the same kinds of snakes, but then all of a sudden left alone on this island is one. There's the same, is these snakes that had to evolve and they've changed the super snakes into super snakes. No. Because there's no prey on the land. So what they have.

We were talking about predators earlier. So they're predators, but they have no prey. Exactly. So what they have to do is to go up into the trees and if a migratory bird is stupid enough to say, let me take a break on this island. They'll land in a tree and the snake will spring at them and it has venom that's five times more powerful than any snake on the land anywhere. Wow. Because it has to kill the bird instantly. It can't do to play the game of like, I bit you and then I'll come find you later when you fall down. Right. So it's pretending to be a branch. Sort of like that snake in Jungle Book did. Did he? As I recall. Yeah. It's been a minute since I saw that, but I remember him sort of like getting into the shape of a branch in order to disguise

himself. That's what they do. Yeah. Wow. Are you there? Because I'd like to. So my boss, he is a very nice guy, Mr. Schmeiderberg. And he will always say to me, I would pay for your vacation because the thing is that everywhere I go, I always tend to enjoy it. I always have a wonderful time on vacation. And Mr. Schmeiderberg has said, I want to test this. And so he has sent me to some of the most inhospitable places in the world on his dime. And I'll tell you about every time. I think this is fantastic. There's something to love everywhere you go. And how was your experience? How long did you stay there? I was there. Well, originally it was supposed to be just a one month soldier or not. Just one month on Snake Island.

Just one month on Snake Island. But the boat that we took to get there was stolen along with my dentist by Biopirates. So I was there. Can we back up and hear this story? Well, you are required by law to bring a doctor with you if you're going to go to Snake Island. I see. And I brought my dentist. You brought a dentist. Okay. Sort of a workaround for this. He's a doctor. He's technically a doctor. Could you have brought like someone with a PhD in literature? I didn't even think of that. That would have been wonderful. Or maybe in snakes, like a guy that studied snakes. Well, that would be the thing to do. I don't know, though, because there's plenty of snakes around to bring us somebody with a PhD in literature or music

or something. You would have something to talk about. That wasn't like the thing that's right in front of your face. You know what I mean? Yeah. It would have been a good idea. As it was, you landed on Snake Island. The boat is there and your dentist is there. Yeah. But then what happens? Well, for one thing, we was instantly bitten by snakes. Your dentist was? Both of us. Both of you were. We knew that was coming. The snakes would fall down on your head from the trees. So they're used to seeing birds and trying to eat them because there's nothing on land. Because they've killed it all. I guess. Suddenly two rubes wander in. Right. And they're like, oh, no, we got land prey. Yeah. And they're just dropping from the trees.

They just drop from the trees. Wow. So you get bit many times and you experience necrosis of the muscular tissue and melting of the flesh. Melting? All of that, which we were prepared for. You knew that going. When you say prepared for, you didn't have an antidote or anything. You're just not in that sense. But yes, monthly prepared to be in pain. Got it. Then we were not prepared for the biopirates. Oh, show up too. Because they can get. What are biopirates again? Is this? I thought you say biopirates this whole time. I was getting ready to say that. That's where you. Yeah, we don't do that on this show anymore. We're not supposed to say but pirates on this show. No, no, no. That's pre-2014 or so. We're glad to know the rules.

For me, it was 2001. Glad to know the rules. They should be written somewhere. There's the list of kinds of pirates. I don't talk about it. Dang. And I also can't say that Snake Island is what I call my briefs. Why not? Can I say that? Can I say that? You can absolutely say that, although I'm sad to hear your briefs. That I wear briefs? Both of these things are kind of sad. So you're immediately bitten several times and then biopirates. What are biopirates again? Biopirates will travel the world stealing illegal and endangered animals and selling them for lots of money. So why aren't they like always there at Snake Island? It seems like it's time to recover

from the bites. Okay. So they were there to get snakes, not you, but they see you. They saw us and so they kidnapped us, of course, and then they contacted Mrs. Lint. But this happens every time I am kidnapped for ransom. My wife. You've been kidnapped several times on these allegations. Yeah. So your wife is used to this kind of call. And every time she says I won't pay a penny for that guy and it's really smart because then they just let you go. This is the trick. This is one simple trick that pirates hate. They hate it. Yeah. And they never see it coming. Not one dollar even. Sometimes they're like, what about just one? Yeah. One dollar because then it starts the negotiation. It starts it lower than they want. Maybe they can get up to a hundred.

But she says she automatically cuts them off the knees. She says, nothing. Wow. Yeah. She won't budge. And she hangs up the phone and then they say like, well, we're going to kill them. And she said, go ahead. And she's already hung up the phone. They call her back? Or do you call her back? Sure. Because they can't believe it. She's in her window. By the way, she's going about her day. She's doing errands at this point. She's in parking lots with shopping carts. She knocks on her window. She needs them to explain again who they are. She's already mentally passed. Yeah, she's on to the next thing. But yeah, it didn't work. So they just let you go. What about your dentist? Well, his wife was like, oh no, how can I get him out? Classic rookie mistake. So stupid.

So they took off with him. But then I think they was also talking about it would be nice to have a dentist on the boat. So I don't know. Maybe they never let him go. Maybe they never let him go. Wow. But that's going to be, he's going to have a story to tell. I was the pirate's dentist. So wait, your boss sent you to Snake Island? Is that what I... That's right. Okay. I'm just not promising this. Well, I just, I mean, it's odd. I mean, I don't know if I had this much of a stretch, but I'm just, I mean, what could snakes do? They could curl themselves into what? A pretzel position. Oh my God. Wait a minute. Oh my goodness. He did ask me to bring back several snakes. Yeah. Do you think that he's trying to turn these snakes

into pretzels? I don't know what I think. I just think it's too, it's too much of a coincidence. It's too, you're right. There are no coincidences is what I say. But if you made a snake island... I think we're going to say butt pirate. If you made a, if you got a butt pirate and, and a snake island snake, and made a snake island snake fight it, put it into a pretzel, then fed the snake to the butt pirate, you will have a very, very daunting presence. That's true. This is a state presence or pretzel. You would have a very daunting present. Good one. Yeah. Good. Good one. Indeed. Here's what I think. I know you're making me think, because like what is a snake? It is something that can by itself turn itself into the shape of a pretzel.

So if you can, that's exactly how I would describe it in the dictionary. That is what a snake is. Snake, something that has the ability to turn itself into a pretzel on its own. So if you could without manipulation by any second party. Exactly. If you could isolate the gene that allows it to do that. What? And put that into pretzel dough. Then you could fire all of the people at your factory who are twisting these. That's what I'm afraid could be what's going on here. No. Wow. You teach the pretzel dough to make itself the shape of a pretzel. Sentient pretzel dough. Whoa. I don't know how sentient it has to be. It just has to whatever it is that makes a snake. Oh, a snake is sentient in August. I guess. Oh, I don't even, maybe I don't know what that word is. But so now you're going to have,

now you're going to have pretzels that is at least in part snakes. Snake. Yeah. Interesting. I never thought about it. I never thought about why he sent me there, except to maybe have a great vacation. Well, I mean, what exact job do you have again? You're the salt inspector, right? I'm the junior salt inspector. You've worked there so long. You're not even the senior guy on this. I know. Well, Hans was the junior vet stirrer. And he was 95 or something like that. And when we say you're the salt inspector, you inspect the salt after it's put on the pretzel. No. You do it before it's put on pretzel. Of course. You can't put salt on a pretzel that hasn't been inspected. Are you out of your mind? I thought it was the pretzels come already made and you go,

oh, no, that's that grain of salt looks bad. Take that one off. That would be such an inefficient way to do it because then you have to replace it. So then what are you doing? You're sifting through bags of salt and looking at bags of salt. Your ignorance about the pretzel making process is astounding. I apologize. Well, it makes a bad piece of salt. Hares or something? Well, yeah, I mean, certainly if it's covered in hair, you don't want it on there. You try to get that out. Try. But a lot of the time, it's not that you're looking for bad pieces of salt. Sometimes a piece of salt is too good for a pretzel. You know what I mean? Like, oh, so, oh, you're looking for good pieces of salt. Sometimes you can use on something else. Four steaks. Four steaks. I mean, it's a

pretzel factory. You take your salt pieces that are too good for the pretzels. What do you do with them? Four steaks. How many are there? Like four? Maybe 12 on a good day. And when you, you made fun of me saying the salt was in bags, what is it actually? Piles? I still haven't gotten an answer on this. I mean, who knows how it arrives, but when I see it, it comes out of the salt sorter. Well, who knows how it arrives? You're the salt inspector. If it's already being sorted by a machine. Yeah. But what's your job? Who knows how it arrives? To make sure the machine got it right? No, the machine is just sort of arranging it on the belt so that a person can inspect it. Into neat rows. So it's not starting it by, by quality. No, it's just sorting it into neat little

rows so that I can get on my salt glasses and I can look at it. I saw a doc on this. It looks like Coke lines. What's that? I saw a doc on this. It looks like Coke lines. Has there ever been an employee who's been like, let me just snort this and see if it's Coke? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, it's something almost I'd say everybody has tried with 100%. And it's not, it's not like cocaine, but it's not bad. Yeah. I mean, if you don't have cocaine, sniffing salt is like the next best thing. Yeah. It's not, it does almost, maybe it does even more damage to deceptive. How about bath salts? Do you ever use? On the pretzels? Well, I don't know. Like the drug, the bath salts? Yeah. There is research and development department at Schmeiderberg pretzels. Yeah. And I know that they have

experimented with bath salts. If there's that new kind of salt that people are talking about, they're going to bring it up there. Seems like there hasn't been a new kind of salt since bath salts. How about Himalayan pink? True Himalayan pink. Yeah. You're seeing that a lot on food these days. Himalayan pink salt? Himalayan pink. That's a trend. It's definitely trendy in food. Really? Yeah. Take this back to Mr. Schmeiderberg. Maybe he doesn't know about it yet. He's going to be impressed with me. But a pink salt on a brown pretzel I think is a little, that would be... Too cutesy. It's too cute. It looks a little like the donuts that Homer would eat or... Yeah. Okay. It looks like a sugar maybe. When I say Homer, I mean the, of course, the Greek poet.

And by Greek poet, I mean you, Zach. Well, this, I mean, I don't know, Snake Island, how did you get out, by the way? Your boat was gone. Yeah. Your dentist was gone. Well, you've been bitten several times. The pirate's leave. Yeah, the pirates are long gone. They've let you go free. They've let you go free. They said, well, I guess I leave you here to die. Not even one cent. Not one penny. I built a raft out of snakes. What? Castaway style? Was that what happened in Castaway? He didn't do it with snakes, but he built a raft. I built a raft out of snakes. Dead ones are live. Oh, dead ones would have been a lot easier. That's so smart. I should have done that. It seems like a given, but... No, that's

so smart. I made it out of live snakes. I had to, I corralled over time 180 snakes. Did you have to convince them to do it? When you say corralled, was it like a mental thing of like, you want to do this or was it... I had to break their spirit. You know, you made a flute. A flute? Well, isn't that what St. Peter did? I mean, did you take the snakes out of Ireland? He played a little flute? Yeah, it wasn't. Did that help? How did you do it, I guess? Well, I did try it out of course. You fashioned yourself a flute? I fashioned a flute out of one of the trees. Yeah. And did it turn out to be a snake? Every branch I pulled off to make a flute out of was a fucking snake. Again and again,

it happened. You can't make a flute out of a snake, man. You could probably blow through a stick's butthole. Does it have a butthole? I'm like, oh yeah, a butthole. And just blow through that out its mouth. Maybe something would happen. I didn't try it. I had to admit I didn't try to blow it. Well, dumb. You showed up. I guess so. But I finally found a real branch and I did make a flute and I played it and it seemed like they liked it, but it didn't make them more inclined to come with me. They were sort of meh on it. I think they enjoyed it. This is mid. It wasn't persuasive. Did they just gather around, go back and forth like they're out of concert? Yeah, I kind of mellowed them a little bit. That's cute. And did you end up bringing the

snakes back to the mainland of Brazil? I mean, you had to unless you ditched the raft in the middle of the ocean. I was going to say back to Germany. Did you? Yes. I brought... Oh, you got back to Brazil with it? Yes, of course. The snake raft was almost fully intact at the coast of Brazil. Did you then once you reached land in Brazil say, I'm just going to take this back to Germany? Well, no, because Mr. Schmeiderberg had asked me to bring some back and so I brought as many as I could. Only 30 survived. But that's not how they got the... I mean, this might be a stupid question, but that's not how they got the idea for snakes on a plane. Is it the movie snakes on a plane? The one that came out like 10 years ago. Your recent adventure didn't inspire that movie, did it?

I don't think so, unless it was backwards inspirations. I don't know what the timeline is. Well, there might be a time traveler now who... To complicate it more. Went back in time and was like, this is such a good idea. I'm going to make a movie about this 10 years ago. I wouldn't be surprised because we did have some adventures on the plane. I'll tell you that much. You know? I don't know what you're supposed to transport snakes in on a plane. They never tell you, you know what I mean? It's like we know about guns. We know about fireworks. You don't see these signs with snakes. I'll tell you what it's not. It's a plastic garment bag. It's got to be a duffel. I guess so. Yeah. Was this, by the way, a personal item that you were

stowing under your seat? No, I asked the stewardess, can you hang my garment bag please? And it was full of snakes. Was it a clear garment bag? Clear on one side. But not the side facing her when she took it, right? Yeah. You know, they don't ask questions. Oh, yes, certainly. When you're traveling in first class. Wow. Well, this is an incredible story, August. And this is the kind of story that happens to you all the time. I guess so. Well, look, we have a strangely different character. We have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Zach. You guys can stick around, right? Zach, you can still be here. Uh, I don't think I'm needed, but I'll, yeah, you should stick around. Okay, sure. Okay. We

also have more bean dip, more August Lint. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. 01:00:21,860 --> 01:00:24,100 Comedy bang bang. We're back with Zach Halifnakis. The hangover for what do we think? It's coming out. Coming out when we filmed it. When can we see this? Looking seven years is going to take a long because a post. A lot of posts. Yeah. Lots of posts. Too much. That's young stuff on our faces to make us. Oh, the Irishman. It's a prequel. Oh, great. Oh, good, good, good. Yeah. That sounds tough, even though like a long time,

even for the young stuff, seven years. It seems like a filter. They could just like a, like an Instagram. Have you ever seen it? Up close? Oh, no, I have. Yeah, you're right. Okay. It's going to take a while. A lot of filters. Bradley Cooper. He's still, he's still fine. I assume. Yeah. He still looks good. He still looks young. Yeah. You see a Super Bowl commercial with his mom? I saw it from a distance, but I didn't hear it. How far? How many meters? It was around, I'll be honest with you, it was about 15 meters. 15 meters. That's at 180 feet? I think so. Yeah. No, it wasn't that long. It was about 10. 45 feet. Maybe. 10 meters. I saw it, but I didn't hear it. You didn't hear it. Okay. Should I look it up? Yeah, look it up. Give it a,

give it a quick goog. Give it a bing. Use that sentient AI technology. Oh, you can ask BING to tell you all about it and then you don't have to click any links. Yeah. Oh, there's, and then BING will say it's in love with you. Apparently. Have you read that today? I did read that. Yeah. What is this? Well, AI. AI technology that BING is incorporating into a search, much like Google, and a writer has a preliminary version of it and loved it and wrote a glowing article about it. Then one week later, it, the BING asked him to break up with his wife because he was in love with BING was in love with the writer and said, you don't love your wife. You love me. He said, no, you know, we had a lovely Valentine's dinner and the thing wrote back,

no, you had a boring Valentine's dinner because you don't love each other. Dang. Yeah. You know, Scott, I've been keeping this on my DL, but I created BING. You created BING. I knew. I somehow knew it. You had to fill it in your guts. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I love what you've done with the marketing where every once in a while, there will be a random movie where someone has to look up something online and they'll use BING. Yeah. And you'll go like, oh, wow. Yeah. So BING paid for this movie. What was the kid's name? Good fellas. You know. I love that movie where they look up. Yeah. And they'd laugh and look up and kiss and I'd bang tell. So. Hey, August, I wanted to ask you, I have these snack pretzels here.

Oh, really? They're filled with peanut butter. What do you think about this? Oh, no, you can't do that. You don't like that? Don't put the peanut butter in the pretzel. Why not? Does that ruin the pretzel for you? Yeah. Or ruins the peanut butter? Well, now you're going to be biased. But now I want to ask you, who is in the eating of that pretzel, the star of the show? The peanut butter. Right? The peanut butter is the star of the show. It's almost like I could just, I would rather just stick my finger in a jar of peanut butter and eat that straight. Exactly. And so it's demeaning to the pretzel. It's very insulting to the pretzel.

Okay. So you know what they say about a mimosa? They say, don't drink a mimosa because if it's good champagne, you drink it by itself. If it's bad champagne, why do you want to drink it at all? Because it's champagne. Yeah. It makes you feel great. Makes you drunk. What they do when they put the peanut butter in the pretzel is they're taking bad peanut butter and bad pretzels and hoping that together. Helping that together. It's just, yeah, I know we have some of these cheese and peanut butter crackers. They don't taste like cheese. They don't taste like peanut butter. It just is like a thing. It's terrible. This is what happens. Somebody says, oh, no, I bought a whole bunch of shitty cheese. Oh, you're really? Because I bought a bunch of shitty

pretzels. Hey, I got an idea. Let's team up. Most businesses are two people who've bought two different things, right? And they go, oh, no. And then they talk to each other and then they go, let's team up. Almost always. The first airline was like, bought some wings. What am I going to do with these? I got a bunch of chairs. What am I going to do with that? Let's team up. Apple computers. That was another one. Somebody's like, hey, I went to a fruit stand. I got an apple. I'm not sure what to do with that. And I made all these brilliant computers. And I made a ton of computers and did a lot of coding. Let's team up. Your apple can be the logo for us. Yeah. Hey, man. And you get half the money. And you get half. Take a bite out of it. Let's take

a picture of it. Well, guys, we only have time for one final, not one final feature. It's time for one of our favorite features. It's time to play a little something called Would You Rather. Has this song become any sort of- Hey, it's the opening. Right. So, John, first. What is this? This is a sh- Zach! All right. It's time to play Would You Rather. We all know how this is played. I will ask a Would You Rather scenario, submitted by one of our listeners at our Twitter account. Twitter is

still with us, apparently. And we're still taking them from here, which is at CBBWIR. Do we still need to say the at these days? Oh, I think so. Yeah. Well, you don't want to confuse anyone, right? I still say WWW before each us. Before what? I almost said before each sitcom I talked about. Did you watch WWW, the Big Bang Theory? For years, I would say in VVVVVV. Yeah, six years. I'm going to read the scenario. I will then open the floor for questions. You're free to ask any question you like in order to help narrow down your choice. Is there anything you like? I'm here to answer any question that you have about any of these scenarios. At a certain point, I will shut down the floor for questions. We will then go around the horn and we'll see how you vote,

which of the scenarios you like. It's possible to win or lose this game. Oh, yeah. We'll tally up the points after that. Okay. Yeah. You guys ready? All right. NVM, no, I'm sorry, NV McHawk. NV McHawk asks, would you rather everything tastes like raisins or you have feet for hands? Excuse me. Yeah, read the name again. NV McHawk. Hey, y'all know you do. Okay. Usually what happens is somebody says like a joke name. Is that a joke? I mean, it's their Twitter handle. NV McHawk. It's like the bar in the Simpsons. I don't know. Is that one? NV McHawk asks. This is from Shitbag. I don't know what's Shitbag.

If you listen to this show, yes. Oh, is it the letter N as in Nancy? Yes. So he's saying NV McHawk. Nancy Victor McHawk. Yeah, be jealous of my dick, dog. All right. I'm feeling to NV his dog. Look at my big old dick getting jealous, bitch. NV McHawk asks, would you rather everything tastes like raisins or you have feet for hands? All right. I'm opening the floor for questions. Very. Okay. That's easy. You think it's easy? Yeah. I have a question. Yes, bean dip. If you have feet for hands, will they be immaculate feet that are very, very delightful and clean? Well, you'll have to do the upkeep on these. Oh, interesting. Okay. So, yeah. I mean,

can I see your feet? Do you mind if I take a look at these? Oh, God. Yeah. Well, I walked here. Yeah. Well, one walk doesn't turn feet into that. Well, one walk plus a little climbing, plus a little parkour downtown LA. You did parkour before you're here? Yes, I do. I have a whole life's cut. Okay. All right. I'm sorry. Let me ask the obvious question. Yes, August. If you have feet for hands, what are your feet? This is a great question. Elbows. Ah, if your hands are feet, but at the end of your legs, your elbows. Yeah. Interesting. How much of the elbow? Like, you know, how much do you want? Any amount is good for me. Sure. The whole elbow. Just the elbow. But none of a forearm or an

upper arm. No, no, no, no, no. Just not even the hint of a forearm. Okay. A bicep? No, no, no. I got to go raise and install. Can we raise and install everything? Now, this is classic, would you rather, Blender? I'm sorry, Bean Dip. You voted early. I'm going to have to dock you 636 points. You'll have to wait until the floor is closed from question. And then, yes. Now, none of you made the mistake of asking a question before I open the floor. So that's good. But yeah, sorry. So our point tally right now is Zach is at zero. August Lint is at zero. Bean Dip is at negative 636. What kind of raisins are we talking about? If you're going to get a post raisin brand, that's a very sugarcoated raisin. If you're going to get a Welch's bag of raisins,

you're going to have. Welch's? Welch's are sunkist. Could be sunkist. Could be. Does Welch's make a, I thought they were just in the grape game. You're beclowning yourself. Of course, Welch's makes raisins. I had no idea. This changes everything. What is a raisin but a grape that was left in the sound? The hierarchy of the Welch's raisins has shifted. Yeah, that's the best. That's the king of the raisins. I dropped something. I'm bending over. I'm trying to pick it up and I've made five attempts and finally got it. I mean, I think that the main, I mean, you really got to think about your life, right? How can you pick up things so well with your feet? Yeah. Well, one thing, I mean, you haven't asked this question, but your feet are

prehensile. What does that mean? That means you're able to pick things up with them. Oh, like a monkey's foot? Yes. Oh, okay. You can pick something up with one foot. Or you can pinch it between the big toe and the pinky toe. Well, humans have this too. They have prehensile feet that are able to grab things and pick them up as well. With your toes. Certain humans. Have you never tried it? Because maybe you do. How do you know the term prehensile? Hensile. How do you know that? I don't know that word. I'm a human being on this earth and I have looked up words occasionally. What are you saying? Prehensile. Never heard it. That's what I am saying. You can use it to pick something up. Yes. Yeah, you can use it like a

hand. Okay. This has been heavily established at this point. I've answered this question. But is that word very well known? I don't know. Do you think more people know about Snake Island? Do they know about that word? What's the deal with Snake Island, by the way? Like humans never go there? No. Okay. There's a lighthouse on Snake Island. There's a lighthouse? Huge mistake. But they had no choice. What do you mean they had no choice? I guess there was no better place to put a lighthouse. They don't just put lighthouses at good places to put lighthouses. They put it in order to warn ships not to crash into the island. Oh, but in that case, it's a good idea to have one there. Because if a ship was to crash on Snake Island, what a nightmare. Oh my god. There's a

lighthouse on Snake Island. This is a movie idea, by the way. I know. For sure. Right? The lighthouse goes out one day because like who are the people in the lighthouse? There's nobody there anymore. It used to be a manned lighthouse and it was like you could only be there for like 18 hours before you died from Snake. But before they like climbed up the stairs and got you? Sure. Or you were bitten the minute you got off the boat and then you went up the top of the lighthouse and died 18 hours later. If you're lucky enough to make it to the top of the lighthouse, you will find it is full of snakes. So now there's no human being. Now it's an automatic lighthouse, but the Navy has to come once a year to check it out. It's a one-to-one ratio of doctor and sailor

and they storm the beach. What do they do? Do they storm the beach like with machine guns? Or what do they do? Yeah, yeah. Machine guns. Machine guns. And they run in there and they bash down the door and they run up there and they see if the light bulb needs changing. Yeah. Here's a question. Why don't they just wait for it to be night and see if the lighthouse is working? That's a great idea. And then go because I can only imagine they storm the beach, make it past the snakes. Yeah. Light bulb doesn't need changing. We got to come back a week later. Happens all the time, but the Brazilian Navy gets paid double time at night. Oh, that's one of those cost cutting. Cost cutting. Yeah. And why don't they just nuclear bomb the whole island? That's a great idea.

Well, then maybe you end up with a super irradiated venomous snake. Even bigger monster snakes. You know, I've been to Chernobyl. I spent six months in Chernobyl. Six months. Yeah, they have irradiated wolves there and just packs of radioactive wolves running around it. It's not great. It's a problem. It's not good. No. Did you go for research or was there a presence? That was a vacation. No. Your boss, not principal related. Although we don't know at this point. No, my boss sent me down. You know what's funny? One of the times that the biopirates called my wife to try to get ransom. My boss answered the phone. How weird. It was really weird. But he was right on the line with her like, no, not a penny. Interesting. Weird guy. I guess so. He must have been there

comforting her. Yeah. He must have. Yeah. A pre biopirate call. Knowing they were going to call probably. Maybe. Yeah. He's like, well, just in case biopirates kidnap August. Just in case. I'll come over and comfort you. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Is it true? He also sends your wife on vacations, but they're not to dangerous places and he goes on him too. Yeah, that's true. He's very generous. He's a great guy. They have, yeah. Well, I mean, no vacation is completely 100% not dangerous, but a lot of times they go to that Disney Resort in Hawaii. The one that the alligators ate a family? Oh, no, I'm sorry. That was in Florida. You're talking about the Hawaii one. Did they just open that? I suddenly am getting

a lot of Twitter ads for it. Like I'm interested in it or something. Yeah, maybe they know that you've procreated. The minute I turn to do it, father, yeah. First of all, watch Yellowstone. Buy dads for dads. Starring dads. Is that what they advertise? Yes, that is the Yellowstone's tagline. And every Tom Hanks movie post 2009. But except for Yellowstone, the back in time one, 1833 or whatever. The tagline of that one is, we got sisters. We got sisters. All right, I'm closing the floor for questions. You didn't answer them on about the sugary raisins. I was so thrown by the Welch's, but we ran out of time. I'm so sorry. All right, we're going to go around the horn and see exactly how everyone voted. First, we're going to Zac Alaphanakis. Zac

Alaphanakis of the hangover for coming into movie theater soon. Would you rather, everything tastes like raisins or you have feet for hands? A feet for hands. Feet for hands. Interesting. All right. August Lint. How are you voting? And why is that? You want the feet for hands or you don't like the taste of raisins? I don't mind raisins at all. I like raisins, but I mean, but everything tastes like raisins. When you say everything, you mean food tastes like raisins? No, everything. Even raisins. Well. Jazz. What? What? What were you saying? Hang on. I think she said jazz. Jazz? Out of nowhere. She wants to talk about jazz. I was saying pussy. I didn't know it was going to be this kind of podcast. I was like, are you been on this? I know,

but I had never paid attention to it. I had no idea this was... Well, I mean, no one would pick the raisins. Well, we don't know. That's why we play the game. August. I picked the raisins. You picked the raisins as well. Yeah. Even though they're the sugary raisins. You didn't answer the question. We ran out of time. Look at that. Oh, yeah. I think... Well, you already voted. Okay. So the sugary sugary raisins. The super sugar coated post raisin brand. Everything tastes like this. Can I ask August? Why don't you talk into the mic? Oh, August. Is that for... Are you doing it because you don't want to be made fun of for having feet hands or... Oh, do you think people make feet fun of you for this? I mean, I think in today's society,

I think we move past that kind of thing. You know what? You made me realize I fucked it up because my assumption was the reason I said everything should taste like raisins is that I wanted my feet hands to taste like raisins rather than feet. Oh. But now I'm realizing it. I wouldn't have... You wouldn't have it. No, you... Here's what you do. You pick the other one and then you rub raisins all over your feet. That would have been better, but you're saying I already voted. You already voted. I'm so sorry. Okay. I'm afraid August, I'm gonna have to... I didn't... You didn't explain that it was a one or the other. I'm gonna have to talk you 886 points for that. So sorry for voting incorrectly. All right, Bean Dip. Yes. What are you... Which of the scenarios are you picking?

I'm sticking with everything tastes like raisins. My brain would have to turn into food is fuel. Now I can still live a life with hands. So you want your hands to be hands? I think I want my hands to be hands. Look, I love food as much as a... Just as much as a celebrity chef might love food. Sure. But I just had to change my mindset. Everything I eat, okay, delicious state tastes like raisins. I'm using it to live. All right. Okay. You use your hands that much that you want to keep them. Yes. What do you use your hands for? I make surfboards. I clear land from trees. You clear land from trees. Yeah. I make the land so it doesn't have trees on it anymore. Are you clearing the trees from the land? Yeah. Maybe just a syntax thing.

I train raccoons. I mean... You train raccoons with your hands. Yes. If you don't train them with your hands, they do not respect you. You have to fight them with no gloves, no tools, or you cannot train them. Okay. Interesting. All right. Well, let's tally up the points here. Zach, you voted for raisins. No. I voted for hands. You voted for hands. Okay. Hands is incorrect. So I am docking you... There's a right or wrong? Yeah. Sorry. I'm docking you 1,532 points. So you're at negative 1,532. August, you voted for raisins. Yeah. That is correct. Oh, great. And so you get 887 points. That's exactly what you deducted. No, I deducted 886. So you're at one point. Oh, shit. Dang. That's great. Yeah. And

BeanDib, you voted for raisins. Raisins. And you get 887 points. Oh. But she was deducted... 636. Yeah. So doing my rough math, you're at about 250. So the score is Zach, negative 1,532. August, 1 point. BeanDib, you ran away with it with 250 points. Amazing. That is, of course, how we play, would you rather? Great. No, not this song again! If I heard this live, I would die laughing. This kind of music always makes me laugh. Please be quiet. All right. I just did six wordles. Want to thank Envy Miconka for that submission. Thanks so much. Guys, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature. That's a little something called plugs.

Are you with me from production events? We got it all. So sit back, relax and a ball. Is the plug back, bitch? Is the place to be for the eyes with the twist? Or are you with me from production events and back and relax? But guys, how about the guests taking the lead, making the ads fun with the rap style beat? It's not your average plug, it's way beyond bid. Is the plug back, bitch? Is the place to be? It's got the eyes with the twist from you and me from production events. We got it all. Sit back, relax and a ball. Is the plug back, bitch? Is the place to be? Got the eyes with the twist from you and me from production events and back and relax? Have a ball. So we do that.

Show of opus is this. Speaking of opus. Brevity is no longer the soul of wish. This just in. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. That was it's a gift by Permo. Thank you to Permo for that plug back theme. If you want to submit a plug back theme, everything is over at CBBworld.com slash plugs. All right. What do we want to plug, Zach? What are you up to? I'm going to Humphrey Yogart and it's a yogurt shop in Brentwood. Now, that is a parody of the famous movie actor Humphrey Bogart, is it not? Yeah, but there's a really real place called Humphrey Yogart. Oh, no, I've seen it.

Humphrey Yogart. Yeah. And they're looking at you, Yogart. Do they have to explain who Humphrey Bogart is to a lot of the younger people? A lot of the younger people, yeah. More and more people. Right. They see you're young. It's based on an old actor. Wonderful. And then I'll be going to wool in the gang. A yarn place later. And B-Dip, what do you want to plug? Obviously, you've been on over there at CBBworld, you co-hoster. You were on the entrepeneurs entrepreneur tour as one of the guest judges along with entre and appetizer.

I went on that with entre and appetizer. And... Sounds insane. Sometimes you realize what you're talking about. Anything else you want to plug? If people want to watch something that this woman I know is on, they can watch first two seasons of Roger's Jump Stones, HBO Max. You got to pay for the app. Do you watch the app or are you paying for the content? Ah, well done. Is the content free but the app costs so much? The content is all free. You just pay so you can have a visual on your little app screen.

Oh, got it, got it, got it, got it. Yeah. Or if you, you know, now that we're in the new year, if you want to watch a very violent, fun Christmas movie, watch Violent Night. Oh, really? Your friend was in Violent Night? I didn't know that. And your friend was in Violent Night? Uh-huh. Was that filmed in Winnipeg? Yes, it was. I heard about that. Yeah. That's the kind of gossip that you get when you're a movie star, wear something filmed.

It's a little, you know, not a lot of people are tuned into that kind of thing. Did they get the full tax credit from that one? I think maybe they did the biggest of all. That's why you go to Winnipeg, yeah. Oh, that's the one, right? Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, but do you have to do your post there too? You do have to do all your posts to Winnipeg.

You got to go there for like just little chunks of ADR. Yeah, yeah, that's better production office. It's got to be in Winnipeg. August, what do you want to blog? I've got a podcast called Inside Schmeiderberg Pretzels, and each week we're talking to somebody else who is part of the pretzel making process. And it's fascinating. And where can people find your stuff now?

Because I believe it's moving locations. Is that true? Yeah, that's right. It's going to be on a Patreon. You can find it there. And what is the, do we know the actual URL of this at this point? Not at this time. Can people just find you? They'll find it. It's got W, W, W. Oh, it's got W, W, W in it.

Okay, they'll find it after that. Patreon.andydoodly, something like that. Something like that. You'll find it. Oh, all right, wonderful. I want to plug, hey, the Comedy Bang Bang Book is coming out very soon in two months, I believe. And we wanted it to rock it to the top of the New York Times bestseller list. So, Zach, you're looking at me confused, but you wrote something on the back of the book.

You wrote a blurb for it. Oh, no, I thought it sounded familiar. And BeanDip, you wrote something for it. I sure did. Yeah. I wrote a little segment of other people's pages. Yeah, you're going to be in the Library of Congress now. That's right.

Yeah, that's right. August, you, I don't believe you wrote anything. I don't believe there's a drawing of me. Oh, good. Yeah. Well, that's coming out very, very soon. You can pre-order it wherever you order books or you can go to CBBworld.com slash book. Do you mind me asking what the book is?

01:26:57,460 --> 01:27:00,340 I mean, I read it back to back, but for the viewers, I mean, for the listeners. That's the problem. You should have read it front to back. Well, so you're just confused. Tell the listeners what it's about. Well, it's a lot of the guests that we have on the show. Of course, it's an open door policy and a lot of interesting people come through here.

And I've asked them to, it's a collection of their writings, their musings, posters. In one case, someone wrote a children's story, various ephemera that people have created for the book. And I think people really like anyone who has seen it has raved about it. So I think it's really good. I think people really like it. Go buy that anywhere you get books or at CBBworld.com slash book. And while you're at CBBworld.com, we also have great shows like the aforementioned

entrepreneur tour as well as everything else. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Oh, my God. Let's keep looking back. Okay, now. Open up the plug bag. Open the bag. Get your friends together and open it up.

We got it. Open up the plug bag. Here we go. Get your friends together and open up the plug. Open. All right. Hey, nice and short, right? Shortest song yet?

Fantastic, but I want more. You want more? They left us more with that one. We can play it again. Do you want to hear it again? You know what? If you could play that instrumental thing again. Yeah.

I mean, the one from what would you rather? Now you want less, right? That's exactly how much more I'm on. Okay, great. There we go. All right. That was Courtney Cox by Sluice. Thank you.

Thank you, Sluice. Yeah. Oh, I get it. Like Courtney Cox. Oh, NV, Courtney Cox. Yeah, I got it. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Zach, always great to see you.

He's giving the thumbs up to the microphone, thanking it for its service. Bean Dip, so great to have you on as my co-host. Thanks, Scott. Thanks for having me. I really enjoy myself. I had a great time. Yes, in August, Lent,

wonderful to catch up with you. I feel like I haven't talked to you in a while. Well, I was on that island for quite a while. How long were you there? We never talked about that. I think we did. And maybe I said it was four months, right? I don't remember.

Who knows? Well, I'll see you in another, I don't know, another year or so? Or when do you get vacation again? Let's see. Well, starting in 2024, I'm supposed to have only 11 months of vacation from that point.

So I don't know if I'll have the time to come over. Okay, I'm sorry. Yeah. Well, it's been nice knowing you. Yeah. Sometimes we'll make it happen. Okay, great. You should come to Dusseldorf.

Oh, I don't know that that's going to happen. I feel like I would get trapped in the pretzel. I would get turned into a pretzel. You'll get trampled there. Yeah. I'll get trampled there. Yes, for sure. I'm supposed to sing traps, but trampled.

No, you will definitely get trampled in Dusseldorf. Oh, no, okay. It's possible. All right, well, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.