Comedy of the Week - Fags, Mags and Bags

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

The hit Radio 4 series Fags, Mags & Bags returns with a 11th series with more shop-based shenanigans and over the counter philosophy, courtesy of Ramesh Majhu and his trusty sidekick Dave.In this fourth episode of the series, Alok-Pocalyse, Ramesh must contend with nonplussed members of the Lenzie Local Traders Association who call for an immediate meeting to try and clean up the mess being caused by Danny and Alok’s stag and hen party business.Set in a Scots-Asian corner shop and written by and starring Donald McLeary and Sanjeev Kohli, the award winning Fags, Mags & Bags has proved a huge hit with the Radio 4 audience. This brand-new series sees a return of all the show’s regular characters, and some guest appearances along the way.Cast Ramesh: Sanjeev Kohli Dave: Donald McLeary Sanjay: Omar Raza Alok: Susheel Kumar Malcolm. Mina Anwar Danny: Kulvinder Ghir Bishop Briggs: Michael Redmond Mr Hepworth: Tom Urie Bra Jeff: Steven McNicol Kyle: Pierce Higgins Nathan Laser: Gavin MitchellProducer: Gus Beattie for Gusman Productions A Comedy Unit production for BBC Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. It's summer in Britain and the crimes are just getting started. I found another body. Stream the best of British crime drama only on Britbox. Don't miss new seasons of acclaimed series like Blue Lights, which Time Out calls Belfast's answer to the wire. Back up, back up, Ivan!

And The Responder, starring Martin Freeman in his international Emmy award-winning role. I can feel it. I'm gonna crack. Stream the best of British crime drama on BritBox. You know, this is why I want to be a detective. Watch with a free trial today. BBC Sounds Music Radio Podcasts Fags Mags and Bags Written by Sanjeev Kohli and Donald McCleary Episode 4 A Lockpocalypse

Oh hello Lorna Morning Lorna, business or pleasure? Lorna McKillip, Lenzie Trumpet. Bit of both Dave. I'm buying my dinner tonight from your freezer. Do you have anything dinosaur themed? You wouldn't know it to look at me but I'm dinosaur daft. I'll go and have a look with my eyes but I'll need my legs to get there. Eh? Eh! Right, let me just don my journalist hat. It's not a real hat, it's just made of mind juice. Mind juice? I just mean it's not real. Right, that's it on now. Lorna MacKillop, Lindsay Trumpet,

is Fags Mags and Bag still a horror judgment shop of shame? Absolutely not, Lorna. I would like your readership to know that the judgy judgy judgings committed by my wife colleague Malcolm… Sars every boss. …that resulted in the loss of the biggest one-day chocolate sale in the history of Lensy, Hamda, was merely a one-off blip flesh in the hat, lonely nor but never to be repeated in the hat. Yes. I'm going to Aladdin's Fancy Goods later

to report on the biggest one day chocolate sale in the history of Lensy How the... He's got one of those big massive balloon men that you always get outside cash showrooms I love them! What are they called? I don't know

I don't think anyone does Call yourself a journalist? You pure weight-choose token He's also got Mary Sandeman aka Annika coming to sing a song. I'm hoping that she'll sing Japanese boy with a kimono and chopsticks in her hair as that would be a cultural appropriation shock horror that would stun local passersby and well-wishers. Hovered it!

Incidentally, how are we spelling habda? Breaking news! Fags, Mags and Bags does stock dinosaur themed freezer goods. We've got Vesta Vindaloo Velociraptors, Chicken Tikka Tyrannosaurs and Donner Diplodocuses. Diplodocay. Excellent. I'll have the Vesta Vindaloo Velociraptors and the Twix.

Lorna MacKillop Lindsay Trumpet. Oh, and please let Lindsay know that bags, mags and bags is a shop and not an arena of judgement. Will do. It'll be on page seven next to the Sudoku. I like Sudoku. Would you like me to report that? Sudoku daft Lindsay resident in heartwarming puzzle paradise. Would you print that?

We will do if May Smith doesn't finish her thousand piece jigsaw of the man from Squid Game. Oh, and will you please ask Aladdin if he would sell Hitler a well-fired role? I will do. This has been Lorna McKillip buying her Vesta Vindaloo Velociraptors, which she will enjoy with some reduced sugar baked beans. Oooh! And mini sweet corns. Lorna McKellip, Lenzie Trumpet. Right.

Hopefully that will help to bring things back to normal. Can I just say, soz, every boss again. I didn't think my judgy behavior would have such a massive impact on sales. Lorna McKellip, Lenzie Trumpet. Yes, Lorna? One more thing. Actually actually two more things. Ramesh, can I get a comment on the fact that your brother that you don't get on with is

living in a big massive black bus with a jacuzzi in it right in front of your shop? No comment. Right. And do you actually have any reduced sugar baked beans? Are you judging me? Yes. Of course not. But Dad they're minging! Right. And do you actually have any reduced sugar baked beans? Eww! Are you judging me? Yes. Of course not.

But Dad, they're minging! To you they might be minging, but to Lorna they are a delicious sundry. Actually they are minging. I'm just trying to lose some weight. Dave, furnish Lorna with her minging but non-judgmental reduced sugar baked beans. Eww!...reduced sugar baked beans. Uuuh! Hello, Mr. Hepworth. Alright, Mr. H. Indeed. Right, er, can I have 20...actually no 40...actually no 60 Rothmans Kingsides.

Oh, is that you smoking now? Yes. Good for you. Bup, bup! Is that everything? Can I also have four litres of your finest Rasputin vodka? Is that you drinking now? Yes.

Good for you. Hup, snoop! Anything else? Yes, let me see. Yes, a copy of Over Sixties Wives, if you will. Is that you masturbating to Granz now? Yes. Good for you.

Hatch-lark! That'll be... Wow. £119.50. Well done, Ramess. You passed the test. Test? What test?

I didn't want any of those things. Lorna McKillop, you know Lorna McKillop, Lindsey Trumpet. She sent me in undercover. Well, not undercover because she asked me to be Mr. Hepworth, which I actually am. But she asked me to pretend to buy the most judgy, judgy items in your fine establishment. To see if you would judgy, judgy me. And you didn't. So, you know, grats. I shall spread the word through Lenzi. And Mumsnet.

I'm not a mum, but they don't check. Hooray! Yes, hooray. So you're not actually buying any of those expensive items? No, just my usual twicks. Right. Ah, yes, actually, I will take the magazine as well. Right. Six pounds, fifty-nine pence, please. Yes. Naughty, naughty, Mr. Hepworth.

Bloody hell! No, Ramesh, not bloody hell. The opposite of bloody hell. What would that even be? Oh, oh, milky heaven. Exactly, milky heaven. Because aye, you might have lost a big massive sale, and I will allow you a single habda at this juncture. Habda! But Mr. Hepworth just bought a twix. We've hit reset. Everything's back to normal and lensy.

Oh, er, hello lads. What can I get you? We've hit reset. Everything's back to normal and lensy. Oh, hello lads. What can I get you? Call this a shop! Call this a shop! Well, it is a shop. We sell a wide range of sundries, staples, not the metal ones, although we may have some in the back shop next to the mountain of ring-binder reinforcements. I use them as wartmoats. Wartmoats! Ha ha ha! Wartmoats! Wartmoats! Wartmoats! Wartmoats! Wartmoats! Come on boys, settle down. He's a good guy. He's my dad. Who's your daddy now? Who's your daddy now?

Is that your sister, Alok? She's well stacked. No offence, I would. No, no, that is enough. She's my son. Are you actually buying anything? Come on lads, here are the dog. We need to get back on the horse. Back on the horse. Back on the horse. Aye, you used twenty cans of Goblin Lager, four bottles of Pink Laser and, eh, mine's a baby sham. And whatever your daughter's, eh, mine's a baby sham. And whatever your daughter's drinking. I could go baby sham.

Sonjie! Rido, what are you in the market for? Oh bloody hell! Not on the chocolate stanchion, son. Keep your knickers on, grandad. Say sorry, Rido. Aye, what have I done? Oh no! I've got a very sensitive sick trigger! I have... Oh, we've got a Mexican vomit situation! Sanji, bucket, stats!

Sick! Better get some rennies in as well. What's the damage, boss man? Well, most of my chocolate stanch in you bloody mountain of vomit! No, you're a tool. I mean, how much do we owe you? We'll pay for the chocolate as well. I might fire into some of them. Disgusting! Fair play, Malcolm. The sick juice might not have penetrated all their apples.

I mean, I wouldn't take my chances in the Kit Kats. They were at the epicenter of the vomit fountain. But the crunchies only took a light spatter in a sick juice. Although, there is a rogue cube of carrot that somehow made its way to the Turkish delights. Stop saying sick things Dave! Right, well that's £235.52. There you go boss man. Keep the change. Wow! Right lads, back on the bus. Phase two of Ride-o-Geddon.

Ride-o-Geddon! Ride-o-Geddon! Ride-o-Geddon! Ride-o-Geddon! Rido Gedean! Rido Gedean! Rido Gedean! Rido Gedean! What's Rido Gedean when it's at its grand? It's just what Kyle's calling Rido's stag do. And Rido is what Kyle calls Ryan. We printed up T-shirts, all part of the service. Sorry, we? Yeah, me and Uncle Danny. He's running Danny's dues from the Sexy Bus just now, and I've been helping him out.

So these animals are living on the bus? It's cow single-beated doves. What are you complaining about, Dad? Look how much money they just spent. Fair play, Rammers. They just eclipsed Aladdin's one-day sale record. Lorna MacKillop-Lenzie Trumpet will probably be back in here to report it.

Yes Dave, and also to report on Lindsay's most egregious geezer of sick. I'm so sorry Malcolm. There's nothing left. It's just string now. Oh dry your eyes Dad, everyone's a winner here. These lads have got money and they're not afraid to spend it. Oh it isn't just about money son. That's where you're wrong Dad. It is just about the money. where you're wrong, Dad. It is just about the money. Uncle Danny's got a saying. It is just about the money. Is that the saying, though, son?

Yes. Look, you do realise that your uncle has been made bankrupt three times? Ah, he told me he'd bring that up. Well, he's told me all about it, Dad. He's a visionary. He was making hats for dogs fifteen years ago. And now every dog has a hat. It's not his fault he's ahead of his time. You have to speculate to accumulate. Oh, has he put that on a t-shirt, huh?

With speculate spelled S-P-E-C-U-L number 8? Idiot. Uncle's right. You are a dinosaur. You make me sick. Oh dear, what has happened to Alok? I know. He used to love dinosaurs. He had a diplodocus called Bernard he used to suck on when he was nervous. Pure stunk. He's in the thrall of Danny. This can only go badly. Aye, well, Ramesh, it's like on the Waltons. He needs to learn that lesson for himself. Yes, yes, I suppose, yes. Right. Operation Tidy Vomit Up. Huh?

Oh, is that a pair of glasses in there? Oh, I want my mum! Hello, Mr. Epworth. Epster! Hello, boys. Do you have any Tunnock's Cheekakes left? Yes. How many packets? Er, Mr. Epworth. Epstar. Hello, boys. Do you have any tunnux tea cakes left? Yes. How many packets? Er, 12.

I'll have, er, 12 packets of tunnux tea cakes, please. Absolutely, Mr. H. You know that we don't judge. Indeed. Although I wish someone would judge those animals out there. They have ransacked my self-esteem. Oh dear, what happened? A succession of ribald songs, all aimed at my size. Oh.

A sort of Eurovision of fat shaming. Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? You fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it didn't stop there. Who ate all the crisps? Who ate all the cakes? Who ate all the sausage rolls? Who ate all the pastel de nata,

which I believe is a Portuguese egg-based tart with a sprinkling of cinnamon? Oh. Who ate all the mini-Kievs? Who ate all the Findus crispy pancakes? Old school. Old school, yes. Who ate all the viennetta? Who ate all the arctic roll? Who ate all the Findus crispy pancakes? Old school. Old school, yes. Who ate all the Viennetta? Who ate all the Arctic roll?

Who ate all the Vesta curry? Who ate all the boil-in-the-bag cod? Who ate all the twix? Well, which is probably accurate, as I do enjoy a twix or three. Actually, can I have three twixes? Of course, Mr. Hepworth, and I'm very sorry about all of this unpleasantness. Well, it's not your fault. Of course, Mr Hepworth, and I'm very sorry about all of this unpleasantness. Well, it's not your fault. It's not you wearing an only here for the beer t-shirt

and a hat adorned with three-dimensional genitals with a pair of glasses on them for some reason. Aye, that'll be for Dasbo. It's his stag, though. He gets it tight, cos, you know, he wears glasses. Anyway, that will be £37.14, please. Right. Better gird myself for some more co-ordinated fat shaming. Wish me luck. Luck! Oh, well, another bumper sale, Ramers.

Yes, but at what cost, Davos? Right, Mr Man! Oh, hello, Hilly. No season's greetings? Nope! Hilly is raging! Can't you see how elevated my eyebrows are? They're practically off my face Like two caterpillars hovering above my spam Which is ironic because I don't stalk caterpillars

I, Hilly Buad emergency meeting of the Lensy Local Retailers Traders Association. Stat! That means just now. Right. I hereby call this meeting of the Lindsay Local Retailers' Traders Association to order. And Dave, please note for the minutes that I'm studiously avoiding the mint Viscounts that Ramesh has laid out because I'm absolutely raging. And can you also add to the minutes that I, Brad Jeff out of Braz etc, am also raging etc?

I am raging etc. Davey knew. Can you also add to minutes he knew that I, Nathan Lazer out of Meat Solutions, am also raging in you? Truly noted. Is nobody having the vice counts then? All the more for me then. You don't deserve a mint-vice count Danny Margeau, if that's your name. You've dragged Lenzie through the dirt.

What have I done? They're anti-social. All your stag-do's. You've basically turned Lenzie into Megamuff, which is what people probably still call Magaloof. Good! Megamuff is good! Megamuff is where I did shots with Sam Fox and Michael Gove. What a night that was! But this isn't Megamuff, this is Lenzie. You're harshing the chilled out vibe in you. Aye, what he said. All that lout singing. Who sells all the bras.

Who sells all the bras. You fat bastards, etc. I don't know what you're complaining about. I happen to know that Darren Pockalypse bought ten pairs of bras and sussies to humorously parade about in. It was hilarious. Everybody thought so.

Well, I didn't. They came into my shop wearing said lingerie and sang some very disparaging songs about gourmet sausages before stuffing them down their tanga briefs and terrorising the Lensidans. They bought the sausages though, didn't they? They were themed artisanal sausages, works of art. They were specifically designed to evoke Jeff Goldblum. They were not designed to wave at harass mums in the school running y'all. And I sold them guinea pigs in good faith. And I happen to know that one of your so-called

do's has been racing them in a racetrack made out of old Dyson tubes and that. And alright, genius! Props to the Christastrophe for that. It's cruel. Guinea pigs aren't designed to race. You still took the money though didn't you? It's not the point. What are you all moaning about? Lenzy was a ghost town, deadbeat central. No offence, I've kicked it into life. And I put money in all your tills, and this is the thanks I get. Oh, that's about much to learn.

It's not just about the money, et cetera. That's where you're wrong. It is just about the money. I've got a saying. It is just about the money. Ramos, saying it is just about the money Ramos have you got nothing to say? Tell my brother two things because I'm not talking to him one eating five mint vials in a one hour will cause acid reflux right Danny your brother's saying that eating five mint vials in a one hour will

cause acid reflux, etc. And two, he knows exactly how I feel about the situation. We are pensioners running scared, young mums covering their children's ears, and a prophylactic full of faeces in the exhaust of Keith Futures Vauxhall Corsa. My brother has dragged Lenzie into the seventh circle of hell. Right. And two, Danny, your brother knows exactly... Do you really want me to say all that, it says? I heard him.

Well, you tell my brother that the 7th Circle of Hell is my favourite nightclub in Amsterdam, where me and Jan Leeming hammered Freckendales and Picklebacks at level 42's 50th! And it's not my fault he's so boring that he would rather be standing here scraping a living selling crisps and tights next to a calagas heater than living it up in the 20th century like the rest of us! Well, you can tell my brother that I would rather make an honest living

with the respect of my community than destroy it for a quick this thing buck. Yes, and you can ask Danny... Oh no, I can just ask him myself. I'm not not talking to him, you know. Danny, how long are you going to be parking that monstrosity of a bus on the high street? Well, I've got good news for you there. The bus will be gone in a couple of days. Really? Can you please ask my brother, really?

Yes, because me and my new business partner, Alok... Habda! Tell him Habda! ...have just taken out a lease on the old bubble tea shop. So Danny's Do's is relocating to Lensy permanently. Sorry, that should be Danny's Do's featuring a low apocalypse. Yeah. So, I may well be joining you at your next little local trader, whatever you call it, meeting.

So keep bringing the Mint Vice-Council, Ramesh. Ramesh, this is a disaster, etc. Disaster, Inyo? This can't be allowed to happen, Ramesh. You're going to have to have a word with him. Why is he even in, Lenzie? Oh, he's in hiding. He apparently got on the wrong side of a vigan gangster. Oh, which one? Was it Five Star Frank?

I don't know, Hilly. Was it Jackie Three Eggs? I don't know, Hilly. Was it Moran? Moran Bushtanzinger? I don't know, Hilly. I don't know, Hilly. I don't know! I don't want to know anything about my brother. He's not my responsibility! Uh, Jeff, where did you get that mint Vicante new?

Ah, I know Danny Medusa sort. I pocketed it early doors. It's not my first rodeo, et cetera. MUSIC So I'm thinking we put the adult ball pool there, near the door, so we can hose the sick off the balls. Good thinking. What, are you calling it again? Well, I was thinking. It's called soft play for kids, right?

But this is soft play for coked up execs who work hard and play hard. So we call it hard play. Genius. Absolute genius. I'll tell my t-shirt guy. And can I just check? Are you still on board with the axe throwing? I reckon if we knock through into the back we'll have about 15 feet. Oh, go for it son. You're a partner now.

Hello, Pocalypse. This is so exciting, Unc. Axe throwing in Lensy. I honestly thought I'd never see the day. Dad's not gonna like this. Well, I bloody love it. And I'm proud of you, son. Hello look. Oh, hi dad.

Denny? Oh, stooping to talk to your brother now, are you? I see no alternative. Son, what are you doing with that measuring tape? Just seeing if we have a long enough run for axe throwing. Axe throwing? In Lensy? What planet are you on? Dad, this is progress. You can't stop it. It is not progress. Axe throwing will be yesterday's news. Look at LaserQuest, huh?

Look at the feet-eating fish, look at fidget this thing spinners We're gonna make a killing dad, and you're just jealousy bum drops Yes well maybe in the short term you will make some money, but you will kill this high street Lensedons will go to the out of town shopping centres Where they will not be serenaded aggressively by a group of city traders singing Get your tights off all the lads, get your tights off other lads as they did to Keith Futures not only has he stopped coming to my shop

but he's had to seriously rethink his sartorial choices Well, you can always sell up but here to stay so you may as well get used to it So, this is really happening is it? Aye And there's nothing that I can say that will convince you otherwise So you may as well get used to it. So, this is really happening, is it? Aye. And there's nothing that I can say that will convince you otherwise?

Has there ever been, brother? Good point. Right. Frank, it's time. Frank! Danny! Yes, I believe you know Frankie Twolegs? Sorry, who's Frankie Twolegs? I'm Frankie Twolegs.

Why are you called Frankie Twolegs? Because the last guy that asked me why I was called Frankie Twolegs got both of his legs broken. That doesn't make any sense. Shut up, O'Loke! Where's my money, Danny? Well, that's the thing, Frank. I was just about to phone you. You see, I've got a new business partner,

O'Loke, here. And he's the money guy. So he's agreed to cover my debt. Haven't you, O'Loke? Have I? Great stuff. That's what I like to hear. That's all sorted out, Frank. Great to see you.

I've got to run. I love the air. Jenny buys the Aussie. Right. Bums, actually. And he's screaming, Sultan wouldn't eat my face, he's a good dog. And we all fell about laughing. And he's been called Degs in office ever since. Right. And does Degsie see the funny side? Oh, he loves it. He goes to Skeletor every Halloween, makes the kiddies cry.

But, you know, in a good way. Right. Anyway, thank you so very much for your help in this sensitive matter. Anything fairly. She knows that. Aw, thanks, Frank. Do you plan to feed Danny's face to Sultan? Do you want me to feed your Danny's face to Sultan? No. I mean, it is tempting, but, er, no. Right. Well, better get going.

I've got some business that needs attending to in Cumbria. Oh, business. Is that a euphemism, aye? Are you going to doff somebody up? No, I'm going to TBA Services. They do a lovely Cumberland hoop. Oh, the one that goes around. Oh, you love Cumberland hoop, don't you? Right, well, bye, Frank. Safe travels. Catch you later, Ilster. Love to Barbara.

Yes, and thanks again, Frank. And please, help yourself to any item from the newly-fabrised chocolate stanchion. Oh, thank you, Remesh. I'll have a a twix. Oh nice work, they have two legs. What of it? Nothing, don't feed my face to Salton. Oh and Er, Ily, will I take a Ritter's Sport for four hats? Yes, he loves a Ritter's Sport does four hats. Help yourself! Right. I'm off, Skye. Bye. Goodbye. Has he gone? Yes.

Hobbida! See when you said, help yourself there, you pure sounded like a Dalek. Help yourself! Right. I have some questions. Hilly, how on earth do you know such a dangerous man? It's through my brother, Four Hats Buidine. Of course I call him Michael.

He's in prison. Used to be the driver for Two Legs' bank jobs. Anyway, he took one for the team and is in for a ten year stretch. So in many ways, Frankie Two Legs is my bitch. Oh, you never let on that you had a brother in the criminal underworld? Well, to be fair, you never let on that you had a brother who's an arsehole. Hi, Dad. Hello, son.

Sorry, I was just hiding till two legs left. Does he still want the money? Don't worry, Alok. He knows it's Danny's debt. He's let him off with 2000% interest. Right, good. What can I say, Dad? You were right and I was wrong. Can you forgive me? Well, of course I forgive you. You're my son. Thanks, Dad. One more thing though.

You have to get rid of the bus. Do we though, Dad? What do you mean? Well, I had an idea. Ah, I hereby call this impromptu mobile Urta Jacuzzi Spa Day to order. Helloke, pass me my pina this thing, Kalada. On it, Dad. Anyone need a refill? Oh, how the other half live, eh? Living the dream, et cetera.

Living my best life in you. Will you shift up, Nathan? I'm sat on a jet. No! Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from is a comedy unit production for BBC Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring The News Quiz and Dead Ringers. Hi guys, I'm Ryland and this is How to Be in the Spotlight from BBC Sounds. It's the podcast where together we we're gonna hear what it's like to be thrust into the public eye.

["The New York Times"] It's summer in Britain, and the crimes are just getting started. I found another body. Stream the best of British crime drama, only on BritBox. Don't miss new seasons of acclaimed series like Blue Lights, which Time Out calls Belfast's answer to the wire.

Back up, back up Ivan! And The Responder, starring Martin Freeman in his international Emmy award winning role. I can feel it, I'm gonna crack. Stream the best of British crime drama on Britbox. You know this is why I want to be a detective. Watch with a free trial today.