Comedy of the Week - Hennikay

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

Bill Bailey stars as Guy Starling, a middle aged man who, after 45 years, and for reasons quite unknown to him, is suddenly revisited by his imaginary childhood friend, Hennikay.When Guy’s great business idea – developing a phone-based app designed to stop people using phone based apps – unsurprisingly fails, he needs to find a job. And so he attends a sales seminar with Shining Path, who are apparently, "the number one providers of after-life finance packages in the UK".However, his attention is constantly derailed by the constant chatter of Hennikay, his imaginary childhood friend, who is still determinedly living in his head. And if that wasn’t enough, he also has to cope with Tony, his old boss, who is also there, competing with him to land a job.But try as he might, Guy really can’t get enthused by the idea of a career selling pre-paid funeral plans to the people of Maidstone. Was this what he thought his life was going to be, when he and Hennikay were young together, way back in 1976?Acclaimed comedian - and Strictly Come Dancing champion - Bill Bailey leads a series cast which includes Tony Gardner and Elizabeth Carling in this warm, funny look at childhood, adulthood and some of the follies of modern life, where a man with a confused child in his head might just be the sanest person in the room.Written by David SpicerGuy: Bill Bailey Hennikay: Max Lester Tony: Tony Gardner Stacia: Rebecca BoeyProducer: Liz Anstee A CPL production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts A UK citizen. Imaginary, yes. That's right. Good. And your current position? Standing up. Self-employed. And is just yourself here today? Yes, absolutely. Just me. No one else at all. I'm here alone. Just me, I and no one else. Except me. Well that's all good Mr Starling. If you just want to make your way through to the conference suite, get yourself settled and the seminar will be starting in just a few moments.

Thank you. And good luck! We don't need luck. We're brilliant. This is going to be great! Great? Are you mad? Oh no wait, sorry, that's me, isn't it? I mean, I'm the one with the eleven-year-old imaginary friend in my head, aren't I? Not you. Hmm? Are you listening to me, Hennekay?

Huh? Nice. Now I'm being ignored by my imaginary friend. Are you saying something, Guy? I'm saying... Oh, look, it doesn't matter. I'm really excited. About what? About this. It's exciting.

No, it isn't. Then why are you here? Because I need a job. So I have to sit through this pointless sales training day being taught stuff that I already know By people barely older than you are They look older than 11 barely no that definitely older than me a bit all right But Hennekay you've been 11 years old since 1976. I know. So you should be nearly 6... over 50 by now. But I'm not.

I know you're not, but I don't know why you're not. Nor me. And I still have no idea what you're doing here. I'm learning to be a salesman, like you. I'm not a salesman, I'm a marketing executive. I'll be one of them then. It's fun, like going to school. And you think that's fun, do you?

Yes. I've never been to school. Well, I have, and I can assure you it's hell. I can also assure you that these training days are pointless and you're not going to learn one useful thing by being here. And... What have you got there? I've got pens, pencils, coloured pencils, coloured pens, pencil sharpener, felt tips, ruler, rubber, compass, protractor, set square and...da da!

A gonk? For luck. Do you like him? Hennekay, where did you get a gonk from? I dunno. I thought I might call him Mr. Gonky. What do you think, Guy? I think you're as mad as I am. Well, slap me sideways and call me Shirley. Guy's Starling. Tony! What are you doing here?

Same as you, except for the obsessive talking to myself bit. Need a job? Hey! Just till I get my feet back on the saddle. He just sat on me. Right. Same as me. I've got sat on me. Right, same as me. I've got feelers out. Right on top of me.

Waiting for a bite? Yeah, me too. Rude. Scoping the landscape? Casting the bread? Good move. Have you been casting the bread then? Oh yeah, I've been casting a fair bit of bread.

Have you? Damn straight. And scoping? Here and there. I'll just move then, shall I? How about feelers? One or two. Good man. Any bites?

Over here. Some nibbles? Me too. Lots of nibbles. Come on, Mr. Gonky. But promising? Oh, God, yes. Promising, I should say, sir. The ducks are out there just waiting to get in a row and start quacking up the same hymn pole.

Right. But till then, I thought... That's what I thought. Will you two be quiet? Just to keep my hand in. Exactly. I think we're about to start. OK, welcome everyone.

We're going to get started in a couple of minutes, and so everyone please get yourselves settled down. My name is Stacia and I'm going to be your course trainer and facilitator during this sales training seminar today. I've got some introductory handouts here, just take one and pass them on please. So who were you talking to? When? Just now, you were talking to someone.

He was talking to me. No one? Hennekay. Still doing that then are you? Yes. No? Guy, are you still struggling, maid? Have you been struggling, Guy? No.

With the voices? You've been hearing voices? No. Why didn't you tell me? You know you can get help. I don't need help. I'll help. I'm not seeing anyone and I don't hear voices and I don't talk to people who aren't there.

Except for me. If you say so, Guy. I do. Oh, I give up. But all I'm saying is that maybe you should think about it. There's no stigma in getting therapy these days. Larissa and I did couples therapy for ages. And what did you learn?

Well, apparently it was my obsessively jealous nature that was exacerbating the root problem in our marriage. And what was the root problem? Her infidelity. Although it was my constant suspicions that were driving her into the arms of other men. Right. And so you the root problem? Her infidelity. Although it was my constant suspicions that were driving her into the arms of other men. Right. And so you sorted it out? Sort of. She left me.

For another man? Several. I'm sorry. Thanks. But at least I know why. You should try it. Infidelity? Therapy. Right. Shh! We're starting.

Okay, everyone. Welcome to Shining Path. Today is your induction, your introduction and your welcome to our family. We're joining a family? Shhh! I didn't say anything. Because today you are taking your first steps along our Shining Path. Yes, we are a company. We're a very successful company, listed on several stock exchanges around the world with a dedicated, talented and expanding sales force, which you are about

to become a part of, driving our multi-million pound global turnover. Wow! But we are also a compassionate and caring family. Gosh! Who have been providing the reassurance and security of flexibly-costed, pre-paid funeral plans individually tailored to suit every budget and belief system since 1997. What? Now, if anyone has any questions, anything at all, just ask.

Oh, Miss, Miss, where do babies come from? Henneke! She said if anyone had any questions, to just ask. Be quiet! I didn't say anything. No one? Then let's start peeling the onion, shall we? What onion? Shining Path has been voted one of the top prepaid funeral finance plan providers

three years running. APPLAUSE It is one of the most popular and trusted funeral finance providers in Europe. It is also the name of the official Communist Party of Peru, but let me assure you that is a totally separate organisation. Now, before we circle back and take a deep dive into the granular detail, we're going to start with a 360 helicopter view of the overarching landscape, starting with the ladder of expectation and how we climb it.

Write this down. Ladder of expectation. Position, condition, permission, commission. And that's what we mean by pre-perceptive anticipation management. Remember, don't over sugar the lollipop. Just keep those optimal gateways open and people your universe with positive-facing benefit-centred options.

Guy, is school always like this? Pretty much. Because action with traction equals transaction. God, that's good. Write that down. And there's no sale in maybe. Genius. Write that down.

Any questions? Oh, don't. Oh. Don't what? Right. In that case, before we take a quick break, I'll leave you with something you should always carry with you as you move down that shining path KTS AAS FAP AAT Keep things simple and as straightforward as possible at all times Write that down

Well, I have to say, I am very impressed by this. Me too. Really? Absolutely. This is a woman who really knows how to get her low-hanging ducks to wash their own faces. And catch the grease pig of opportunity. I tell you, Guy, this is smart marketing. Smart marketing.

What are you two on about? Us two? I mean you guy, this is smart marketing. Smart marketing. What are you two on about? Us two? I mean you. Me? Yes. And me? Just you. You said two.

I said two. I was talking French. I didn't know you spoke French, Guy. You're a man of many talents, Guy. La plume de ma tante. Alright, no one likes a show off. So how's life been with you since the old company folded? Good, really good. Great, in fact.

Guy, why don't you tell him? In fact, never better. You've had no money, been lonely and been missing your old friends. And been eating Weetabix every meal. Brilliant. Great. Me too. Great. Great.

Why don't grown-ups just tell each other the truth? Of course I kind of miss Marika. It would make everything much easier. Ah, Marika. She was great, wasn't she? Great. Good old Marika. Just tell him. And of course...

What? Tell him. I kind of... Missed you too, Tony. Did you? Of course I did. My old mucker, Tone. Tell him. I kind of missed you too, Tony. Did you? Course I did, my old mucker, Tone. Really?

You missed me? Yeah, sure. A bit. Huh. OK. Now ask him. So? So?

Did you? Did I? Miss me? You? Yeah. Erm... He's going to lie. So... did you... did I... miss me? You? Yeah.

Erm... He's going to lie. Tell you the truth, mate. Please do. Being completely honest. Why do people say that when they tell lies? I've been a bit busy for all that. Right.

Unbelievable. Sorry. No, no. Understood. Me too, really. Stop lying. I mean, I missed Mariko. Oh, of course. A bit. Absolutely. But only when I wasn't busy.

Right. But apart from that. That was it, really? Yep. Busy, busy, busy. Yep. Yep. I give up. Anyway.

Yes. I think we're about to... Yes. Time to... Crack... Yes, time to crack on. Absolutely. Cracking on. Yes. I don't get it. Let's take this offline, start lightbulbing and have a little thought shower.

I want you all to ask yourselves a question. Oh goody, a quiz. I want you to ask yourselves, what is the thing I worry about the most? Finding a severed head in the toilet. What? The one thing that really makes me the most anxious. Just imagine it, Guy. Opening the lid and seeing a murdered head staring up at you, just as you're about to tinkle. What are you on about?

That's right. The thing I worry about the most. You worry about that the most? It's death. I was nearly right. The thing I worry about the most. You worry about that the most? It's death. I was nearly right. Our own death. Or the death of a murdered head in a toilet bowl. And the fear of leaving our loved ones to pay for our funeral.

Or take our murdered head out of the toilet bowl. Henna Kate, will you just be quiet? Shhh! And that is where a Shining Path pre-paid funeral finance plan comes in. Don't shush me, Tony. Then stop talking to yourself. Shining Path prepaid funeral finance plan comes in. Don't shush me, Tony. Then stop talking to yourself. Providing peace of mind and allaying those terrible anxieties and fears.

I think my answer was better. And for a slightly smaller monthly direct debit arrangement than many people may think. I think your answer was mental. Shhh. So, let's examine the cost value benefit ratio. I'm bored. And if anyone has any questions, anything at all, just ask. Don't.

People are anxious, and that anxiety is our friend. We can use it... Guy. ..harness their unease, their disquiet, their fear, and use it to drill down and focus in on our preferred ideal end-sale scenario. Guy! Because now we have their attention.

What? And their focus, which is on that sad scenario. What is she on about? The grieving family. Pre-paid funeral plans. Widows. What's that? Orphans.

It's a plan where you pay for your own funeral. Left alone. Why would anyone want to do that? Bereft and grieving. Because Henneke, sometimes you have to look forward in life. And worried about their future. funeral left alone why would anyone want to do that bereft and grieving because Hennekay sometimes you have to look forward in life and worried about their future to death yes and how they've been left with debt I look forward to things like Christmas and insolvency and birthdays and possible financial ruin

and not finding a murdered head in the toilet obviously that but not my own funeral and that is our optimal closing zone. Who looks forward to their own funeral? So stay on message. Well no one looks forward to it. Don't drop the popsicle. So why pay for it? Spank the orphan.

Because someone has to pay for it. Or drown the cat. Why? Because these things cost money. Just close that deal. Everything costs money. Yes, it does. Which is why I need this job and why I need you to shut up.

Just remember the mantra. So what do you need money for, Guy? For everything. T-D-I-T-M-I-T-T-I-H-T-D-T. To live. So you can afford to die? This deal is the most important thing that I have to do. Yes. Who else is going to pay for it? You?

Today. Me? Yes. No. See? Write that down. So... T-D-I-T-M-I-T-T-I-H-T-D...

You need money to live. So you can pay to die? T. Yes. OK, now we're going to assimilate our takeaways and do some role-playing. Ugh. Playtime! Ooh, goody! So, pair up and start helping each other navigate a sales scenario. OK, compadrinio, I guess that's you and me. I'll see if anyone wants to join us.

Great. Who wants to play? All in for war! Right, so you're the Sad Sack Mug punter and I'm the salesman. Really? Hey, I can sell coals to Eskimos. Just sit back and see how it's done. Okay.

Okay. Ready? Ready. Right. Here goes. Good morning, sir. You're looking good today. Thank you.

Now that we've established an intimate bond, can I ask you a question? You just have. Can I ask you another one? Again, you just... Can I ask you a third, uh, fourth question? Certainly. Tell me, sir, have you thought about your own funeral? Nope.

Well, I think you should. Why? You just said I was looking good. You are. Am I ill? What's wrong with me? Nothing. How do you know? Are you a doctor? No. Then how do you know?

I don't. Oh God, how long have I got? Give it to me straight, Doc. No, look, calm down. You're not ill. Are you sure? Trust me, I'm not a doctor. That's very reassuring. I just want to ask you one question. That's five questions now.

Yeah. If you could have anything you wanted at your own funeral, what would it be? To not be there. Guy, this isn't going to work if you could have anything you wanted at your own funeral, what would it be? To not be there. Guy, this isn't going to work if you're not going to be serious. I'm being totally serious. On the day of my own funeral, I want to be lying on a beach somewhere, sipping on a daiquiri. What flavour? That wouldn't be fussy.

I'd go for peach. Why are we talking daiquiri? I don't know! Shall I have a go? Oh, you think it's that easy, do you? I'm not saying that. You think think it's that easy, do you? I'm not saying that. You think you're better than me, do you? Well, alright then, off you go.

And good luck to you. Thank you. Good morning, sir. Forgive me for saying this, and I hope I'm not being presumptuous, but you strike me as a very intelligent, good and caring sort of man. Well, yes, I suppose I am. A strong and capable provider. I try.

And succeed, I'm sure. Well, yes. You, sir, are a man who supports the world on your broad shoulders. That's what people say. And who wouldn't let your family and loved ones worry about you even after you've left them. Of course I wouldn't. And in fact, would do anything to protect them. Damn right I would.

As I thought. You are a wonderful human being. I am. Just sign here. With pleasure. Boom. Okay everyone. I couldn't find anyone to play.

We're gonna take lunch there? Oh, dinner time! But before we do, are there any questions? Yes, I've got a question. No you don't. Yes I do. Anything at all? If you don't have enough money, does that mean you're not

allowed to die? What? If people don't have this plan thing, do they have to stay alive until they have enough money to die? No, I don't think it works like that. Anyone? But you don't know. No, I think.

You think? Yes. What? Well. I reckon you should ask the lady. Really? She said if anyone had any questions, they should just ask her.

Don't be shy. But that's what they always say to catch you out. She said anything at all. She did say that, didn't she? She did. Last chance. Do you think I should? I would.

I know you would. You should. Really? Absolutely, Guy. Okay, moving onwards. Excuse me. Er, Stacia. I've got a question.

What were you thinking, Guy? She said if anyone had any questions, that's what they always say, to catch you out. Why would she want to catch you out? And boy, were you caught out. It's just nasty. Hi, Stacia, I was just wondering, if someone can't afford the plan, does that mean they're not allowed to die? I mean Guy, what made you ask that? Good question.

It was a good question. It was a great question. And great that you asked it because now everyone knows who the idiot in the room is and the rest of us can relax a bit. He's very nasty too. You're not wrong. I know. You did us all a huge favour there. And that's why I like you so much. He doesn't like you at all.

I can always rely on you. Sorry. Hi. Hello. It's the lazy. Can I join you? Sure, absolutely. Please. Pull up a chair and welcome aboard, Stacia. I can call you Stacia.

You're Guy Starling? Yes, and you can call me Tony. I just wanted a quick chat with you. Excellent. Guy. Oh. Are you in trouble with the teacher Guy? Is that okay? Of course. Now you're for it. The thing is whenever I ask if anyone has any questions. Here we go. No one opens their mouth in case they look stupid. I warned you. But not you. Dumb dumb. You had a question. What? Yes, I did. Actually, I did. And you just came out and asked it.

I know. And it was a stupid question that made you look stupid. He's really not very nice, is he? You can say that again. And it was a stupid question that made you look stupid. But that's what I admired. Did you? Really? Yes. Because it was a question that no one had ever thought to ask me before.

I thought about asking it. Fibber! Sorry, I didn't catch your name. I'm Tony. Well, Tony. Enchanté. You didn't ask it. Well, of course I didn't.

Why not? Because it was a stupid question. No it wasn't. But was it? Yes. No. Wasn't it? No.

Oh. See? I thought it was at first, but then it got me thinking. Good, I think. Is it good first, but then it got me thinking. Good, I think. Is it good? Yes, because it got me thinking. What the hell are we all doing here? Now that is a good question. Ah, I know this one. Me too.

Hang on. We are fulfilling the customer expectation paradigm. Plucking low hanging fruit. Sweeping the opportunity landscape. Boiling the ocean. Maximising the real-time benefit returns. Slaying dragons of negativity. And generally, humping the mountain of indecision.

You actually wrote all that down. Every word. Yes, miss. Just like you said. So what does it mean? Er... No idea. Well...

You didn't write any of it down, did you go? No. I did all the writing for him. I know you didn't. Sorry. Really neatly. I was watching you. Kept it in between the lines and everything.

I'd say that customer expectation paradigm... I didn't know how to spell that one. That's pretty self-explanatory. So I did it phonetically. All the time I was talking, your face was a mask of boredom and disdain. And I don't know how to spell that either. Well, that's ironic. It was honest.

Real-time benefit returns. But spellings aren't that important. And you were the most intelligent-looking person in the room. I guess those are the returns on benefits, was I? You always are, Guy. In real-time. Sorry, er? You always are, Guy. In real time. Sorry, er... Tony.

Tony, yes. Could you do me a huge favour? Ah, I would be honoured. Your wish is my... Could you go and sit over there? Over... There, yes. Right.

No problemio, anything to oblige. My pleasure and privilege to... A bit further. ...radio. So, what are you doing here, Guy? Well, I'm scoping out the market whilst I consider how to expand my employment opportunity horizons and... Guy!

What? I said, what are you doing here today? Just tell her the truth. The truth? Yes. I need a job. And you think that selling people their own funerals is the job for you, do you? Well, it's…

Guy. It's a job. It's a lousy job. Yeah, I did wonder about that. Because I guess when all your satisfied customers are dead, there's not a lot of repeat business. And it's a horrible company. She said it was like family. Except maybe from Buddhists.

What? Sorry, just thinking about that. You want to watch him Stacia? He does a lot of that. So Stacia, you're saying that Shining Path are... Callous, uncaring and heartless. Yes. Wow. So why does she work for them? That's a good point. What's a good point? Why do you work for them? I needed a job. And now I'm stuck, running recruitment days, training suckers to be as miserably unfulfilled as I am. But can I just say, Stacia, you do it really well. Sometimes I listen to myself and I have no idea what I'm saying. It's just a meaningless gabble, like there's someone else living in my head talking rubbish.

Can you imagine what that's like? Better than you think. I don't know what to do about it. Tell her, Guy, if she doesn't like what she's doing, then she should... Just stop. Just stop? Yes. Just like that?

Yes. And what would I do then? Anything. Everything. What's the thing you wanted to do most when you were a kid? I... When I was a girl, I wanted to work with horses. Then you should go and do that.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I don't know. She could find a murdered horse's head in the toilet. Well, if it doesn't happen, it'll be fine. You think? Trust me. You're very uncomplicated, aren't you? Guy.

It's unusual. Guy. You're not wrong there, Stacia. I'm sorry? About Guy, he's very unusual and quite uncomplicated. Guy. Are you saying it's a bad thing? What do you want, Hennekay?

No, no, I'm not saying it's bad as such. I think she likes you. So what are you saying? So? So you could ask her to be your girlfriend. Me? I'm not saying anything. I can't do that. Why not?

Because that's not what people do these days. Except that Guy is a bit... simple. And modest. With a lot to be modest about. Why? And odd. You could play kiss chase. Shut up, Henike. Which is why I admire and respect him so much.

Thanks for telling me that. I'm just saying. It's my pleasure. What? What are you saying, Henike? That I think you like her and she likes you, and so you should tell her that you like her and she can tell you that she likes you and then you can both like each other. Is your friend Tony always like that? Like what?

Too faced, insincere and disloyal. Yes. On a good day. He'll do well at this company. Thank you. Go on guy, ask her. Stacia. Yes.

I was just wondering... What? If, maybe, you'd fancy, I don't know, dinner sometime? Dinner? With me. Or lunch? Lunch? Or breakfast! Or breakfast? Breakfast! We've got loads of Weetabix! No, no, not breakfast, obviously. What's wrong with breakfast? Guy, are you hitting on me? No. Who told you that was a good idea? No one. Have you upset her? I don't believe it.

Look, I'm sorry. Really. I didn't mean to upset you. God. Bloody salesman. Now you're leaving Estasia? Yes. And I'm leaving this bloody company and going to find a new job. In a stables? No, in a glue factory. So there's going to be a vacancy? Well, that didn't go well, did it?

Interesting. Was that something you said? And I thought you two were getting on so well. So did I. Maybe you were a bit too... uncomplicated. Oh, shut up. Both of you.

Both of you? Is that more French, Guy? So, Guy. Why have we come back here? The lady you upset last week said it was a horrible job. I know she did. And a horrible company. I know. So why are we back?

Because I still need a job. Okay, I'll get Mr. Gonky. Good morning, everyone. Oh, great. I might have known. We're going to get started in a couple of minutes and so everyone please get yourselves settled down. What's he doing here? My name is Tony. Looks like Tony's got himself a job. And I'm going to be your course trainer and facilitator. But he's rubbish. I know. During this sales training seminar today. At everything.

I know. I've got some introductory handouts here. So why is he the teacher? Just take one and pass them on, please. Stacia said he'd do well at this company. And then we'll all start climbing the ladder of opportunity together. Guy, you were right. About what?

When you said these training days are pointless, it's all mad and it's wrong and it's totally not fair. Yep, but it looks like you've learnt three useful things by being here. Then we can take a deep dive into the crack of attainment. Hennekay was written by David Spicer, Guy was played by Bill Bailey, Tony by Tony Gardner, Stacia by Rebecca Bowie and Hennekay by Max Lester. The producer was Liz Anstey and it was a CPL production for BBC Radio 4. Best medicine, dissecting funny and fascinating medicine. I think pain management is the best medicine.

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