Comedy of the Week - Jazz Emu: The Sound of Us

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

Jazz Emu sets out to write his friends the most romantic song ever created, in order to save their crumbling relationship and make everything in his friendship group nice again. Digging back into his alternative musical archives, Jazz takes inspiration from Barry White, George Michael and ACDC in order to learn about what makes a song romantic. Armed with misguided understanding and unerring confidence, Jazz is ready to blow some minds. If music be the food of love, it’s lunchtime. Or something like that?Jazz Emu: musician, 70s lothario-type, ex-Hollywood foley artist and internationally renowned idiot. After a long career in (and often out) of the spotlight, he has decided to present a radio show in order to connect with the average Joes (and Janes, and other boring names) and bestow his expert knowledge of Sound upon the universe.Written by Archie Henderson and Adrian Gray Starring: Archie Henderson, Adrian Gray, Emmanuel Sonubi, Lorna Rose Treen, Cody Dahler Produced by Sasha Bobak A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Simple Evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. People of this room, please welcome to the stage,

Jez Emu! Mr. Emu! Mr. Emu! Are you happy with your latest album release? Is the Pope a Catholic? What an incredible album title. My music isn't afraid to ask the difficult questions. And? He is.

One question. Ah, Mr. Emu, come in, come in. Your custom is always a pleasure. Your usual VIP table is ready in the back. Can I get you a drink? I'll take a tea. Iced. Long.

And island. And the inaugural Nobel Prize for Cuckettish Cheekiness goes to... Jazz Emu! Mr. Emu, do you accept this award? Maybe. Oh, it's you. I didn't see you there. Which makes sense, because this is a radio format.

My name is Jazzy Mew. Musician, esteemed celebrity and activator of the Bognor Regis Christmas Lights 2014. And again in 2014 when they didn't come on initially. You may also know my portfolio of global smash hit records from across the decades. I've also been generous enough to write lyrics for other artists' work over the years. such as the Bee Gees' chart-nuzzling single of the 1980s, Ha. I truly am a master wordsman... Wordsman... Wordsman Smith. So, all this success in the music industry,

why record a radio show? Well, in this day and age, it's easy for normal people like you to feel distanced from celebrities they admire like me. In this series, I'll be letting you into my life as a musician to show that there's no hierarchy or judgement separating stars from the insipid plebs.

Here you go, Uncle Jazz. Use your drink. One malt whiskey. On the rocks. No ice. Thank you, Bonson. You can put the pebbles on the chaise long. You're just in time. I'm recording the introduction for the radio show. Oh my god, amazing. Testing. One, two, welcome to the International Radio. Just a little further away from the mic for the radio show. Oh my god, amazing. Testing, one, two, welcome to the international radio.

Just a little further away from the mic, probably, Bonson. Dear listeners, allow me to introduce to you my nephew slash manager slash manservant, Bonson. I took Bonson under my wing after my dear brother's passing. He really has proved himself valuable at keeping me on the straight and narrow. Oh, thanks Uncle Jazz. Let me tell you listeners, there are few people in this world I trust with my life, and Bonson keeps them in a list on his phone for me. I just wanted to say, Uncle Jazz, it's...

Now be quiet. I'm introducing the show. People of the world and surrounding areas, I am Jazimu. This is my Bonson. You are humanity. And this is the sound of us. That's the sound of you. The sound of me. My name is Jazzy Mew.

And this is the sound of us. I received some terrible news this week. My dearest friends, Angelica and Bradbury, who've been a couple for over a decade, recently moved in together and it's been putting a huge strain on their relationship. Oh, Bonson, this news of their relationship collapse, it's broken my heart. And as a sex therapist who is UN certified... I thought you weren't certified.

UN lowercase. I felt it was my duty to go around and help them out. It was time to show these average Joes just how down-to-earth a celebrity can be. Well, here we all are. It's so important to get some time alone in peace, isn't it? To re-establish

intimacy. To just absorb the quiet sound of each other's company. To just let things sit. Can I have you a chair, Jazz? Thanks, but no thanks. You know me, Bradbury. I'm more of a recline-on-the-table kind of guy. Could you pass the mustard? No problem.

I just think you'd be more comfortable sitting. Why do you think you have the right to control everyone around you? Oh, so now I'm the one that's controlling. That's rich coming from you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, my beloved friends. I know communication between you both has been difficult recently. But if there's one thing I know as a sex therapist,

and there is only one thing, it's that it's always better to get everything out in the open. So, Angelica, the truth is, Bradbury isn't sure if he ever truly loved you. What? He told me himself. Chas, what the actual hell? Come, come, Bradbury.

You did tell me you were saying that with confidence. I said in confidence. Oh, you know what? In hindsight, that does... I can't believe this. Twelve years, Bradbury. So, just to be clear, when you said, this is between us, you weren't talking about the breakfast bar we were sitting at? Get out.

With pleasure. How was it with Angelica and Bradbury? Deeply troubling, Bonson. It looks like helping their relationship is going to take more than just my formidably potent communication skills and my radically incisive perspective on the perennially fragile human condition and my concise use of words. But what? How about a song? You could write one to make them fall in love again. I don't know if I can, Bonson. Oh, nonsense. What was that quote about your latest album in that music magazine?

This album has the power to ignite any emotion in the human psyche. Five stars. You're right. I did say that to the interviewer. But, Bunsen, I'm not sure I can do it this time. Oh, snap out of it, man. I'm not strong enough, Bunsen. Pull yourself together. I can't. Please stop slapping me.

I'll try. Look, you are Jazz Emu. You've made some of the most romantic songs of the last century. Like that George Michael song you produced. Ah, yes. This Christmas released a year before his song Last Christmas. He was still in a relationship when he wrote this one.

This Christmas you became mine I know it's gonna last a really long time This relationship could never end in sorrow I'm totally sure You won't dump me tomorrow

You're right. I produced that romantic masterpiece. All I need to do is make the most romantic song this planet has ever heard, play it for Bradbury and Angelica, and reignite the embers of their passion. We've figured it out, Bunsen. Put her there! Can you stop slapping me?

It's such a slappable face. I'm sorry. We need to work out what makes music romantic. Bunsen, dig into my record collection. We need to analyse. Okay, romance, romance. Okay, this Barry White song. Ooh, feels so nice.

Both of your legs around my legs. Everyone in the bed. Two pairs of feet next to my face. Looking you in the leg. And up and down. Don't stop. Don't stop. Dear God, that bass line is sexy.

But I can't understand a word he's saying. As any great pop writer knows, lyrics bring the musicality to life. A good set of lyrics will always improve a song, as I will know from my time performing as lead vocalist for the London Philharmonic Orchestra. A bumblebee is one of with my performance in the Royal Albert Hall that evening. All the way through, he was weeping and shouting, There are no words. There are just no words. I felt so proud of you.

Next song, please, Bunsen. We need to analyse the lyrics. OK. ACDC. Let's play golf, if you know what I mean. I got a hole in one, if you know what I mean. She was shining my club, if you know what I mean. I got a hole in one, if you know what I mean. She was shining my club, if you know what I mean. My phone was in the bucket, if you know what I mean. And the hole was my ball, if you know what I mean. If that wasn't clear to you guys, no problem, I can clarify. My club is my dick, which is the shape of a flag.

The flag is her hole, and the hole is her butt. Those guys really got subtlety. Perfect. Right, we need sweeping strings, sexy bass, gently euphemistic lyrics. I think we're onto something here. Bonson, I'm going to the recording studio. Meet me at Angelica and Bradbury's in one hour. My dear friends, I've come to save your relationship with the power of...

Bradbury? Where's Angelica? She's gone to the airport. To the airport? No, she's leaving you. Now, Chas, she's just... No time for context. Monson to Heathrow. Hi there. Passport and boarding pass, please. Do you need me to take off my belt? No, sir. This is the check-in desk.

Wow. What a beautiful idea. It's so important to check in. How are you doing mentally? Wow. That's so kind of you to ask. Well, if I'm being honest, I've been feeling pretty invisible recently. Like, no one wants to talk to me. Look, Bunsen! There's Angelica! She's going through security.

Angelica! She can't hear me. Look, Bunsen, there's Angelica. She's going through security. Angelica! She can't hear me. Quick, grab that officer's security purse. We've got an important announcement to send over the tannoy. Oi! What the hell are you doing? The staff only! Oi! This is a passenger announcement.

Would my friend Angelica please listen to this romantic song I've written and fall back in love with Bradbury and make everything in our friendship group nice again? What the...? I've been thinking about you weekly Every Friday morning briefly I've been thinking about you weekly Every Sunday morning briefly Seven seconds at

11am I've been waiting for the right time To tell you girl I've been Thinking about you sometimes But all my Thoughts of you have come to find Me too and I'm not wondering if a Whale could make cheese Sometimes, but all my thoughts of you are confined.

Do what I'm not wondering if a whale could make cheese. If whales are really mammals, we could technically milk one. And give it to a cheesemonger. We could cure world hunger. Just imagine how much cheese we could make! Jazz, what the hell are you doing? Angelica, you sly dog. Did you steal a security pass too? You need to leave, Jazz.

Angelica, don't get on that plane. I'm not getting on a plane. Yes, I've done it. Bonson, feed me the celebratory Toblerone. Don't mind if I do. No, Jazz, I was never getting on a plane. I work in security checks at Terminal 3. I'm sorry? Christ, we've been friends for 15 years. How do you not know this?

Bonson, extract the celebratory Toblerone. Oh, Jazz, my relationship with Bradbury doesn't need saving. Sometimes it's just better to admit that you just need to end things. We've been drifting apart for years and it just feels like the right time. Oi! We should probably unlock the door. They're going to tease me, aren't they? Probably.

Gentlemen, before we make any hasty... Wow, I can't believe Angelica worked at airport security the whole time. I didn't even know. Am I really so self-involved? Do I not pay attention to other people? Not really, Jazz. If only Bunsen were here, he'd tell me straight. I am here. Oh my...

God, don't scare me like that, Bunsen. It wouldn't hurt to listen to people a bit. Have you not learnt anything from what's happened? Life's not all about you, Jazz. You're right, Bunsen. You've changed my whole perspective. I need to start really appreciating those around me. And I never would have discovered this without your insight. Bravo, Bunsen. Bravo.

Please stop slapping me. Force of habit, sorry. So there you have it, dear listener. Our first episode and a first glimpse behind the veil of celebrity mystique at the utterly relatable normalcy of my everyday life. And so you see that, at the end of the day, there is no inherent hierarchy between us all. Whether you're me, global superstar Jazzy Mew,

or you, the average Joe or Jane or some other boring name. Fare thee well, friend. Until next time, I've been Jazz Emu, and you have not. Jazz Emu, The Sound of Us was performed by Archie Henderson, Adrian Gray, Emmanuel Sanubi, Lorna Rose Treen, and Cody Darla. It was performed by Archie Henderson, Adrian Gray, Emmanuel Sanubi, Lorna Rose-Treen and Cody Darla. It was written by Archie Henderson and Adrian Gray. The producer was Sasha Bobak and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4.

If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast featuring The News Quiz, The Now Show and Dead Ringers. Hello, Russell Cain here. I used to love British history, be proud of it. Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, massive fan of stand-up comedians, obviously, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor. That has become much more challenging, for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius,

the show where we take heroes and villains from history and try to work out were they evil or genius. Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed. But if, like me, you quite enjoy it, have a little search. Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Kane. Go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed. Russell Cain, go to BBC Sound and have your world destroyed.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.