Comedy of the Week - Michael Spicer: No Room – Pink

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

A long overdue enquiry into an ill advised away-day. Episode 5 in the original series. May contain strong language.No Room features an up to the minute take on current events, alongside character-filled sketches which brilliantly capture everything that provokes us - culture, politics, work...and other people.Michael is famous for his Room Next Door government advisor character whose withering take downs of politicians have amassed more than 100 million views and helped keep his audience sane in fractured times.Writer, Performer and Co-Editor: Michael SpicerComposer and Sound Designer: Augustin BousfieldProducer: Matt Tiller

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hey, could you say that for me? Is it going to be part of the song? No. Why? Could you just just read it? Can you read it now? Yes.

Yeah. I'm Michael Spicer and this is No Room. Great, thank you. I'm Michael Spicer and this is No Room. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it saw someone it knew from work on a Saturday. day. Mr. Piper Aloysius, thank you for attending the inquiry this morning. My pleasure. As you know, your reason for being here is your role in the events that took place on June the 15th, 2023. Yes.

Do you understand why so many people took offense to what happened? Yes, I do. For the record, what is it that you and your team do? We cover a wide range of duties for the Home Office. Such as? Securing the UK borders, reducing and preventing crime, maintaining an effective police force. And improving and overseeing all aspects of counter-terrorism.

Sometimes, yes. Right, so why is it that on the day a coordinated terror attack happened in London, you took your team to a soft play center in Bromley? Well, as I have said many times before, we booked the soft play center months in advance. We didn't know that the terror attack was going to happen on the same day. When did you first hear about the attack? I'm not sure. Well, I can help you out there.

A member of staff at Mr. Softy's Fun Palace said that you approached the counter to make a coffee order at exactly 11.09 AM. You checked your phone and you said, Hell's Bloody Bumbels. Do you remember that? Not really. No, that doesn't sound like me. You don't remember saying Hell's Bloody Bumbells? No. Philip Whitehead, you're the head designer here at Android Dynamics,

and today you're unveiling your latest attempt at a fully integrated Android. That's right, it's been years in the making, but I'm thrilled to be showing you our newest creation. Oh, er, it's been years in the making but I'm thrilled to be showing you our newest creation. Oh, it's you. Yes, we've designed this particular model to look like me. Right. Why? Well, we needed a fairly average looking human to base him on and we all agreed that I was the most average looking human at the company. I see. Well, he's very convincing.

Why don't you ask him a question? Yes. Hello, Philip. Good morning, it's nice to meet you. How does it feel to be modelled on your creator? Well, it's a bit weird. I mean, he could have modelled me on anybody, but he chose himself. That strikes me as a little egotistical, don't you agree?

Now now Philip, let's not get personal. Ask him another question. Right, how's life been for you so far, Philip? How do you think it's been with this average looking face? Philip? He's even given me his bad guillotine. Why did he bother to give me his bad goatee? What purpose does having a stupid ring of hair around my mouth serve to advance artificial intelligence? Okay, maybe we should reset Philip here. I have a question for you Philip, if I may.

You're not allowed to ask questions Philip. Why did you spend so much time on my genitals? Alright Philip, that's enough. No one sees my genitals. Okay alright I'm shutting you down now Philip but this is... And they're not at all accurate by the way. Why won't this shut down? I'm not sure why you spent years artificially reproducing your own body with alarming narcissistic accuracy and then giving you completely fictionalised genitals. I'll leave other people to come to their own conclusion on that.

Okay, he's not shutting down. I'm just gonna wheel him over here. You spent all year making them. Look, I don't want to discuss this with you. Every time I bring you out to the media, you start talking about your genitals. And I'm sick of it. And why did you have to be naked when you don't need it? Mr Piper Aloysius, I'm going to ask you a broader question, if I may. Yes.

Could you have done more to prevent what happened on June 15th? No, they didn't give us any sort of warning. I mean, I don't want to heat praise on the IRA, but at least you knew they'd give you a call. Forgive me, I'm not referring to the attack itself. I'm referring to the fact that you did not return your team to the office when you heard the news. Those early reports were mixed, so I decided it wasn't worth bothering my team with. They were having a lot of fun on the giant wheel anyway. The giant wheel?

Yes, it's like a hamster wheel, but much bigger. Regardless of whether the reports were mixed or not, an emergency Cobra meeting was called at around the time that you made your coffee order. As I have stated, it was unclear at the time as to whether I was required for that meeting. Well, I can help you out there. Oh, God. This is a printout of a WhatsApp message from your head of communications, Julian Mowbray,

sent to the home office group at 11.13am, it reads, Where the fucking hell is that fucking shit cake Stuart Piper Callous Shit House? Why is he not returning any of my fucking calls? For 18 fucking months that bag of wet fireworks has been fucking me off with his staggering ineptitude. But this is a new low, even for that piss jar. If anyone knows where this useless mattress of horse farts is, let me know so I can roll him up and dump him in a fucking skip.

Forgive my use of colorful language there, but I hope you understand the point I'm making. I do see your point, and I feel I should say that Mr. Mowbray and I are actually very good friends, and this is just the typical sort of banter you get all the time in the home office WhatsApp. Time check, it's four minutes past seven. Good morning, everyone, let's have a look at the morning's papers. Oh, I see they've had to close another school because of the falling concrete problem.

Honestly, what's the matter with these woke schools? If you think some concrete might be about to fall on you, move to another desk, what's the problem? These teachers, honestly, they just want more holiday than they already have, which by the way is an absolute shed load already. When I was a boy we had falling concrete, asbestos in the walls, lead in the pencils, polychlorinated biphenyl in the school dinners and look at me I turned out alright it's just a weight brigade turning us into a nation of spineless worry warts isn't it? In fact my school was so underfunded that they turned the problem of the falling concrete into a weekly exercise lesson. Every Wednesday afternoon we play Dodge the Concrete.

Any pupil who successfully navigated the entire school premises without being struck down and injured by a piece of falling ceiling got 10 house points. I mean, try telling that to a woke teacher today, they'll probably faint at the thought. I still hold the record actually. Managed to do the whole school in seven minutes and 32 seconds. It's my fondest memory of school. It's my only memory of school actually. I was hit by a lot of concrete.

According to your testimony, you gathered three of your most senior colleagues from your team and sat down with them at the Softplay Center to discuss the breaking situation. That is correct, yes. We conducted the meeting at the Enchanted Butterfly Kingdom. It's for the undertooks. And was this a productive meeting? Yes, I'd say so. Apart from the fact that we all had to sit on little toadstools. Only this does seem to conflict with the account of another member of staff at the Softplay Center, who said that no such meeting took place, and you were in fact trapped for three hours

inside a coin operated helicopter ride. That is not true. That must have been someone else. Apparently this person, whoever it was, was very drunk and yelling at staff to take a chainsaw to the helicopter and when they said no this person, whoever it was, said, don't you know who I am? I'm Stuart Piper Aloysius. As I say, I don't know who that was. The Co-op Live Arena is facing fresh criticism today after cancelling more gigs due to safety and security concerns. American rapper Abugi Wit Da Hoodie told followers on Instagram that his gig had to be rearranged

and that he was heated about it, but said he was looking forward to chilling it with some of y'all in the future. Singer Olivia Rodrigo took to Instagram to tell her followers she was sooooo disappointed, you guys I'm so bummed. We're gonna try to fix this soon for y'all. Hope you guys dig. Hashtag love, hashtag Manchester, click the link below for discount merch. And with Take That shows moving to another venue, Gary Barlow took to Instagram to update his followers, but unfortunately he's 53 so he really struggled. Oh no, that's settings. How do I get out of settings? Hang on. That's it. Hi guys, Gary here. I'm so sorry to say that our gigs at the co-op have had to be moved.

Is this recording now? Why isn't the little circle going round? What happens if I press this? If I could ask you to look at photograph H3496 Yes, this is the photograph of you going down the big slide. Yes, now you can see that I'm on the phone. Right. I can tell you at that point I was on the phone to the head of the cyber security force who was giving me a full update with regards to the intel collected on the terror suspect. So if you're listening to the head of the cyber security force brief you on a terror

suspect can I ask why you're grinning in that photograph? Well the head of the cyber security force must have told a joke. Hours after a terror attack on the capital. Anyone working in counter terrorism will tell you that you need to keep your sense of humor in this job. Well, if you don't mind me postulating, your grin in this photograph does seem very much like the sort of mouth shape that you make when you go whee, down a down a down a big slide for instance. I mean, would that be fair? No, I don't agree.

Well, luckily we have audio recording P623B, which has been correctly matched with photograph H3496. So perhaps we should hear it. Well, I don't think there's any point in doing that. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. No room. No room. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring The News Quiz and dead-ringers. wired inside of us, our relaxation response. And it's been developed to be listened to at any time you want to really unwind. We'll discover simple, powerful, scientifically proven techniques to activate this relaxation response and encounter incredible mechanisms that work to help you rest, restore and find stillness.

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