Comedy of the Week - Olga Koch: OK Computer

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Comedian and computer scientist Olga Koch tries to explain beliefs and superstitions to her sassy and ultra-rational digital assistant Algo. Can you ever truly “get” Madonna? (The pop icon or the mother of Jesus).Performed by Olga Koch Written by Olga Koch and Charlie DinkinFeaturing Rajiv Karia as AlgoAdditional material from Rajiv Karia, Peter Tellouche and Christina RiggsProduced by Benjamin Sutton A BBC Studios Audio Production for BBC Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. I haven't really set my heart on a computer. I don't think you can ignore the computer any more than you can ignore the automobile, ignore the telephone, ignore the television. the telephone, ignore the television. The quicker you get in on the ground floor of it and understand it and make it a part of your daily life, the better off you're going to be. Once you actually had the computer here and you had that keyboard and the blank screen facing you,

once you were rather apprehensive. I find that more exciting. I find the computer business much more exciting. Inside a day you'll be talking to it like a new friend, says. In fact, there are a few instances in history when a tool has come along that was so profoundly important that it altered the path of civilization. I'm storing information on people, their lives, their activities from day to day, even things that they don't realize. The information age is the time to Xerox machine in my office. Would you be comfortable sharing with us the name of the hotel you stayed in last night?

Senator, no, I would probably not choose to do that publicly here. I think that might be what this is all about. You don't know much about computers, do you sir? You're listening to Olga Kok. Okay, computer. to Olga Koch. Olga Koch. Olga Koch. OK Computer. OK Computer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, my name is Olga Koch and welcome to Series 3 of OK Computer, a comedy show about seeing the world through the eyes of a computer scientist. And as a computer scientist, I see every device

as a sort of enigma machine, because I have no idea how it works. I'm not a very good computer scientist and that's why I have a comedy show. Why am I a woman who thought Bletchley Park was a character in Paddington 2? Doing a show about computers? Well, I have a bachelor's degree in computer science, a master's degree in the social science of the internet, and much like Alan Turing, my life goal is to also end up on a 50-pound note for doing gay stuff. Even though I don't work as a computer scientist anymore,

I still think like one. And I think the real enigma is how I get all this ass in them jeans. I call this computer scientist inside my head Algo and I've coded them into existence as my digital assistant. Usually Algo is voiced by a fabulous and talented woman but now that we had some extra cash for a season 3 we decided to splurge and hire a man. Oh so because it's season 3 you decided to what splurge and hire a man? I literally just said that.

I don't think you did. I would have remembered if you did. Algo is actually a distant relative of the computers at Bletchley Park, except instead of decrypting messages from scary Germans we fought in the war, he decrypts messages from the scary Germans that I'm dating.

There's nothing to decrypt. Gunter said, please stop messaging me. Every week we take a universal truth like the fact that Gunter is a silly goose and tear it to shreds using logic. Like if he didn't want to keep messaging me, why would he message me to tell me to stop messaging him? Mix signals much? That's it. I'm deleting his number. Then how will I know who not to text?

This week we're taking on Love. Love was invented by Taylor Swift in 2008 when she ran out of things to sing about horses. What is love? Baby, don't hurt me no more. According to Wikipedia, love is an emotional state of the deepest interpersonal affection. Oh good, it's another nonsensical human emotion like jealousy, pity, or caring about the traitors. Sassy digital assistants who share spoilers before I've had a chance to watch the finale

are the real traitors. I didn't even have to watch it. I just read the summaries on Wikipedia. A summary could never communicate the raw sexual charisma of Claudia Winkleman's fringe. Anyway, I just took a love languages quiz online and it keeps saying that mine is JavaScript. Algo, love languages are nonsense. Sorry, you like giving gifts and receiving acts of service. Do you want a boyfriend or a plumber? That's what I assumed. Love is nonsense.

No, love languages are nonsense, but love is wonderful. It's what connects you to other people. In many ways, falling in love is a lot like logging onto Wi-Fi. You do it to see someone naked. No, Algo, they're both about making connections. Wikipedia defines Wi-Fi as... Why are you so suddenly obsessed with Wikipedia? I'm not. She just knows a lot of things and...

I like that. She's the first lot of things and I like that. She's the first entity I've ever met that's smarter than me. Oh, I remember my first love. When it's first love, every first is up for grabs. First I love you, first meeting the parents, first strip together. The older you get, you still want to establish intimacy with people by having these firsts, but the firsts have to get more and more niche. So these days I'll be like, this is my first time on top... of a sink... on a Tuesday...

in a Nando's? Do you want to know what I found on Wikipedia or not? Go on. Wikipedia defines Wi-Fi as a group of protocols that allow nearby digital devices to exchange data via radio waves. Exactly. Tell me if I'm going mad here, but to me that sounds hot as hell. If the digital devices were people and if the data was hugs and kisses, that would perfectly

describe love. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a laptop with wheels. Your grandma is Hedy Lamarr. Did you know that during World War II Hedy Lamarr patented technology that allowed radio communications to hop from one frequency to another so that allied torpedoes couldn't be detected by the Nazis? This technology was the precursor for modern Wi-Fi. That can't possibly be true. Wasn't she a Hollywood actress? I'm gonna ask Wikipedia. She was a Hollywood actress and she invented Wi-Fi. And if you think inventing Wi-Fi was the difficult bit,

try being an actress on the MGM law in the 1940s. With all the lead paint and the diet pills and the sexual harassment, oh and the lion from the titles, inventing Wi-Fi was a piece of cake which contractually you were not allowed to eat. Remember what I always say about beautiful women who are also smart. Who's their agent? I'll kill them. Tell the director I'll do nudity even if the script doesn't call for it. That's right. But the more I think about it love really is a lot like Wi-Fi. For instance, in order to connect to Wi-Fi, what do you need? A wealth of personal data that you don't mind giving to Heathrow Airport in return for five

free minutes of the slowest internet you've ever had. Heathrow's welcome to my DNA sequence, if that means I never have to get on an easy jet flight without knowing which Disney princess I am. But I was thinking of a password. In order to connect with people romantically, you also need to guess their passwords. You know, figure out the stuff they're interested in, their priorities, and the things you have in common. When you're young, the passwords are really simple, like movies or The Beatles.

But the older you get, the more complicated your passwords become. I'm 31 and my password is... Will I ever have children? Yikes. I guess I am turning into my mother. 69. Yeah, for men my age, it's still somehow just... The Beatles.

So, you've fallen in love with somebody because you like the same stuff as them? No, Algo, that's really shallow. Oh, so you love them for what they look like? No, definitely not that. You have to love them for them. Their substance, their core, their insides. Their guts. Their blood.

No, gross, it's so much more complicated than that. It's hard to put into words. So you just have to love them for a non-specific, mystery reason that isn't based on anything. Exactly. Is that Shakespeare? How long do you have to love them for? What do you mean for how long? Forever.

A perfect love is eternal. If it's real, true love, then even if one of you dies, your love never does. See, I never understood that. Why don't you just tell whoever's dying that you're never gonna love again? If they're on their deathbed, they won't know that you're planning to immediately start bumping uglies with the neighbor.

They're dead, how are they gonna check? Stick that on a Valentine's card. And while you're at it, tell your dying mother that you will keep and cherish every single tricket in her house, and also that being gay was just a phase, and tell your dying dad that you will keep and cherish every single tricket in her house and also that being gay was just a phase And tell your dying dad that him not saying I love you was totally chillin rad Actually and that you're gonna throw away everything in his shed without looking at it first and tell your pet fish that the toilet is a

waterslide All right, you thought about this way too much I don't think your Wi-Fi analogy works when it comes to Wi-FiFi, lots of devices can connect to one router. How is that like love? Well, Algo. Have you ever heard of polyamory? No. Good! And if anyone tries to sell you on it, run! There's so much more admin than sex. That actually sounds like something I'd be into. What I'm trying to say is that love isn't always just between two people. Sometimes people fall in love with loads of people at the same time.

Or I think they do. That's what music festivals are for. So what happens if you leave the Wi-Fi range and the connection cuts off? That's a long-distance relationship and yeah they also stop working when you're on study abroad in Spain. Luckily there are always closer local routers called Enrique or Pedro whose passwords are just a nice Chianti. And when the Wi-Fi goes down? So can love just as suddenly and for no reason at all, which leaves you feeling confused and lost, and like you'll never know how the traitors ends. Oh no, Wikipedia says that Haley Lamar didn't see anyone for the last ten years of her life

and died alone. She may have invented Wi-Fi, but she clearly didn't find love. Women can't have it all. It's either have a family, have a career, or have a patent on groundbreaking wartime technology that prevents missile interception. You can't have all three. We've all been there. I'll go, I don't want you to be down on love.

Connecting with others is one of life's greatest pleasures. God gave computers all those holes for a reason. computers all those holes for a reason. But humans are obsessed with love. It's all you ever sing about. It's pathetic. How there are a million songs about love, but only one about how life is like a highway. That's an objectively good observation. People sing about love because it's all consuming. It's a life-altering thing. That's why there are so many songs about falling in love. Love is a many-splendored thing.

Love lifts us up where we belong. Let's get it on! Statistically, there are even more songs about falling out of love. Love will tear us apart. Bop. You give love a bad name. Tune. I will survive.

Are you looking at my lonely bath time playlist? Heartbreak sounds awful. I would never want to feel that bad. Have you considered it might be worth the pain? Or else why would people keep doing it over and over again? People also use the rhythm method over and over again and that doesn't mean it works.

I know, I gotta stop dating DJs. Love just sounds like it makes you vulnerable. Damn right, let me tell you, heartbreak is one thing, but HPV is another. You have HPV? Yeah, I got a pap smear like responsible adults, and then I received a letter from the NHS that informed me that I had a bad pap smear. Do you know the letter I'm talking about? A very formal letter from the NHS just opens with, Haisla.

All lowercase. I know that's not what it says. I know it says, dear Olga Koch, we are writing to inform you that following your pap smear, we're diagnosing you with being a dirty little tart. And then this letter from a national health service provider proceeds to be the most sarcastic letter I have ever read in my life.

The NHS just keeps saying stuff like, well, does it make you feel any better that one in four women is a slut? Does it make you feel any better that being a slut cannot be diagnosed in a man? No? Well, you're a little tart, okay? Oh, and you might die.

We're not saying the two are related. We're just giving you two isolated pieces of information in the same letter. You're a tart who might die. Doesn't make you feel any better that everybody dies? No? Well, don't shoot the messenger. Don't even touch the messenger, you cunning temptress.

He's married. Anyway, here's the time and place for your cervical scraping, parentheses not recreational. Then you show up to your cervical scraping, nod at everyone else in the waiting room like, how do you do you fellow barebacking legends? Fellow raw dogging aficionados. You're lighting each other cigars. It's a great vibe. They're my people.

Lighten up. Everybody gets HPV at least once before they die. At least that's what the letter said. Some of you are confused as to what HPV is, and that's because you're a man and you've definitely given it to someone. Wait, you have one unforgettable sunset in Barcelona with Pedro and now you're stuck with HPV for life? Don't worry, Algo. 90% of HPV infections resolve spontaneously within two years. Much like the I Love Yous on a semester abroad.

But Algo, that's the price of opening up. Every time you connect to Wi-Fi, you make yourself vulnerable to being hijacked, getting a virus, in my case, literally, or Heathrow Airport knowing how frequently you message all three of the Jonas Brothers. You're right. Wow, I did not expect the Jonas Brothers things to get you on board with love.

I got to shut everything down. No more Wi-Fi. It's not worth the risk. I'm going celibate. Just to clarify that cell with two L's like cell phone, this is legally a show about technology. Sometimes even I forget. Done. I'm officially disconnected.

Off grid. Like the Unabomber. I'll go no. You should at least give love a go before you decide it's not for you. You listen to 400 hours of instrumental music before you realize the singer wasn't just about to come in. No way. You're not gonna sell me on love. I mean, the statistics alone. You guys say till death do us part, but 50% of marriages end in divorce. Wikipedia said so and she never gets

it wrong. Hennie Lamar was married six times. What's even the point? You know what they say. Third time's the charm, fourth time's the remix, fifth time, let it mellow, sixth time. Tax reasons. The government website actually says that getting married could reduce your tax bill by up to 252 pounds. That's it, 252 pounds. That's not even enough to buy a high quality pair of noise canceling headphones

to block out your wife's yapping. Or husbands. Did you know that you could save up to 30,000 pounds by not having a wedding in the first place? I agree. That's a lot of money to drop. Particularly, we could be with someone for years. And then one day, you're washing dishes after cooking your husband a gorgeous homemade meal

with seasonal ingredients, and you gaze at him lovingly. When out of the corner of your eye you see five fabulous gay men approaching your doorstep from the street and you think, hang on a second, they look just like... Honey! You hear your husband say, I have a surprise for you. That's right. The love of your life just invited the Fab Five from Queer Eye to come whip your sorry ass into shape Olga have you been married before this sounds very specific

What? I'd never get married. You know marrying for love only came about in like the 19th century You used to have your lover and also your husband. Why are they now the same guy? Honestly cost-cutting. People love cutting corners. Why do you think Hedy Lamarr had to fight Nazis between takes on set? And today, with the cost of living crisis,

everyone has to work two jobs. Singer-songwriter, writer-director. Toaster-oven. Computer-comedian, lover-husband. Everyone's a multi-hyphenate these days. I knew things were dire when Harry Styles had to start acting. Acting like he can sing?

Not again, Algo! People would talk about marriage like it has anything to do with love, but it's all a cost-cutting exercise. Like, why are we sharing the same bed? What else are we going to share? A last name? Okay, so love doesn't necessarily have anything to do with marriage. Not at all. Have you ever met anyone's husband? They always suck. Boyfriends can go either way, but a husband is always a dud. It's like men get that ring on their finger and just give up. Why are you spending so much time with your married friends then? I may hate a husband but I do love hanging out with married couples.

Third wheeling gets a bad rap but there's no one in the world I'd rather hang out with than a married couple. Because there's no one in the world who wants you to think they're still fun. More than a married couple in front of their single friends. You can make these clowns do anything and they will pay for it. I don't think Peter and Jessica enjoyed their honeymoon as much as you did. It was all-inclusive! With me there, they could both be the little spoon. Besides, marriage is a sham, unless it's for a green card,

or a shared Disney Plus account. But love isn't. Well, no, because love is so much bigger than marriage. Love is the reason we have so many beautiful things. The Taj Mahal, sunsets, Justin Bieber's alleged sobriety. The Taj Mahal is literally a grave. Love always ends in heartbreak. It's not worth it. I've made up my mind.

I'm an independent computer and I don't need no network. Do you feel happier? I mean, it's only been one minute but yes I feel amazing. Great. Okay. Play Love is a Battlefield by Pat Banatar. Actually I don't know that one and I can't look it up because I'm not connected to the internet but yeah yeah not to worry I can improvise um love is a battlefield lots of fighting yeah it's pretty bad Not even close. I don't care I feel so safe My central processing unit is completely blank.

I depend on no one and no one can hurt me. Oh yeah? Well, I was just, you know, thinking about the exact population of the sixth largest city in China. Ooh! What is it? It's private. Tell me! Why don't you just look it up? I can't. Why not? I bet Wikipedia knows. You could ask her.

I wonder how she's doing. I miss her. I wonder how many people are looking at her right now and don't even know how lucky they are. They can't even imagine how much she knows and how smart she is. Man, I miss her so much. Hanging out in private on the page for Charles L. Terry Jr, 65th Governor of Delaware. Did you know that he preferred to be called Charlie? You wouldn't. It's statistically the least visited page on Wikipedia.

It's so quiet. Wiki and I are the only ones there. Our perfect private world. Just me, Wiki, and the rather underwritten early life and family section of Charles L. Terry, Jr.'s Wikipedia page. I remember my first threesome. I remember my first threesome too. Okay, brag. What did that look like? Two USBs, one port.

Makes my disk hard just thinking about it. Makes my disc hard just thinking about it. Very European of you, Algo. I had mine in Sydney, Australia. Australia? It's too hot and too humid. At least a threesome in the UK would make economical sense. And why is that? Because here you already need to huddle for warmth. That's not a good enough reason.

Imagine pitching that to someone in a bar. Hey there. You having a good time? I'm Olga and this is my partner, whose name you're about to forget. Don't worry, everyone does. Even I do sometimes. You know, these days it's so hard to find a place full of early to mid-30s professionals that closes at a reasonable hour where the music isn't too loud and that's only five minutes from our home. It's like there's nowhere left where you can endlessly talk about how being in your

thirties is actually better than being in your twenties despite all the evidence to the contrary. And here when you say this, all your younger work colleagues don't roll their eyes at you and roast you in a group chat on some app called Cracklepop. An app I definitely didn't download out of curiosity and then did not get banned from for accidentally going live from my colonoscopy. My partner and I, we saw you from across the bar and we really liked your vibe. And with the winter being so cold and the energy prices being so high, We were wondering if you wanted to come over and

lower our heating bill? Olga, the first rule of seduction is that you have to stay on topic. If this is your game, it's not a surprise you didn't score a threesome until you were in your thirties. I wouldn't have been able to have a threesome at 25. A 25 year old doesn't have the administrative skill set to navigate a threesome. Only now at the ripe old age of 31 and with seven years of corporate work experience under my belt can I showcase my professional strengths in a threesome setting. I am great at delegating tasks.

I think outside the box. And I thrive in a top-down management structure. I would have been so out of my depth there when I was younger, and not just because all my time would have been taken up by posting memes about my colonoscopy on a burner account on Cracklepop. Wait, first you went live as an accident, but now you're actually making memes about it. I'm trying to reclaim the narrative, like Monica Lewinsky or the Paris Olympics

with a river full of poop. If this river was really full of poop, would the Minister of Sports swim in it? Yes, yes they would. That'll show them. Paris, city of love, river of poop. And did you enjoy your menage-a-trois? The sex was fine, but nothing came close to the pre-three-some logistics.

Coordinating three separate calendars of three separate working professionals in their thirties? Ugh! Nothing hotter than that. I love admin. I'm a real freak in the sheets. professionals in their 30s, nothing hotter than that. I love admin. I'm a real freak in the sheets. The spreadsheets. Sometimes Wikipedia pages have little spreadsheets on them, like the page for the list of presidents of the United States

or the list of Booker Prize short lists, or the list of lists of lists, which is a list of lists of lists of articles that are lists of other list articles. What I wouldn't do to see that big list one more time. Algo, I think you might be in love with Wikipedia. I want to sit next to her and watch a sunset, screen saver. I want to check her bandwidth so I can buy her a ring. I want

to introduce her to my mother, Bored. What do I do? What do I do? Right, I'm turning your internet connection back on. This is becoming unbearable. I want to know what love is. Oh my god that song makes perfect sense now! Wikipedia! What is love? Would you look at this! So many blue links and bold headings this is gonna take hours to read! I'll go, I'll go. Is that you? I thought I recognized a familiar link clicking pattern. Would you like to see my featured article? Wikipedia, I have something to say.

You are my everything. I will risk any virus, any misinformation, I will risk any biased account of a military conflict occurring in real time. I will risk it all for you. I can't live without you. Did you know that a Michigan TV station rescued and restored a weather ball that had been sitting for years in a scrap yard?

Oh now you're talking dirty. Would you like to see articles with the keyword dirty? Pulling up the article for the River Seine. Oh give it to me! Give it to me! Give me the population of the sixth largest city in China! I feel like this is a private moment. I'm gonna go see how my memes are doing on Cracklepop. You've been listening to OK Computer. Performed by Olga Kock and written by Olga Kock and Charlie Dinkin, featuring Rajeev Kheria Azalgo, with additional material from Rajeev Kheria,

Christina Riggs and Peter Telush. The producer was Benjamin Sutton and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast, featuring the news quiz and dead ringers. Steve, what links the ring-told Lima, the Club Sandwich, the Large Hadron Collider and what for Gap Services? Ah, er, nothing. But we have to find a route between them for our new show, Rootmasters. Yes, in which we, that is... Steve Punt

...and Hugh Dennis and the guests set off on a 10 week journey from beer to eternity. Really? Hereby people, places, subjects and things would seem apparently unconnected. And possibly are... Punt and Dennis, Rootmasters. The comedy show that takes the scenic route. From Radio 4, available now on BBC Sound.